#you're just a fucking wheelie bin

[sparkyblizz]

sjsjfjsjd this just made me think of Simon running out of insults and calling people everyday objects and somehow still making it insulting

[tarnished-ankh]

Me: "I worked on-the-ground in an animal shelter and veterinary hospital for five years. I have seen cats come in with bones sticking out of their flesh because they got hit by a car. I have seen cats with faces crusted over by mange and ears reduced to stumps by mites. I have seen cats with oozing abscesses from cat fights. I have had to syringe-feed antibiotics to cats with preventable blood infections. I have seen bags of kittens thrown into wheelie bins and ditches. 20% of the cats we found had FIV. I actually hate you and think you're a bad person if you let your cat wander around outside." Some fucking idiot: "Uhh I'm going to go temporarily blind and gloss over everything you just wrote, you're cruel and stupid for thinking cats should be locked up."

[blubushie]

What's it like keeping an emu? What do they eat? Is it hard to keep em in one place? Do they get territorial?

Pretty fun. They're definitely independent animals doing their own thing and they generally just keep to themselves. When they're babies it's a mite annoying since they do that Puppy Thing of "must explore the world with mouth," with means they bite fucking EVERYTHING. Adults aren't nearly as bad and he won't peck your hands unless he thinks you're holding something, and it doesn't hurt, but as babies their beaks are like knives and they'll peck everything in sight.

It's basically like living with a dinosaur. He steals everything. You can't do yard work. He'll lift your pencils, lift your pens, lift your hammer if it's light enough for him to carry and then he'll drop it and hiss and do this dance that looks so stupid you can't even be mad because it's hard to be angry when you're laughing so hard.

You can't have a barbie without barricading him on the side of the house with the wheelie bins because he steals everything off the grill. Chicken, ribs, pork chops, steak, snags, corn cob. Nothing is off-limits and he will nick it and either dump it in the dirt or scarf it down. I have seen this dumb cunt eat paper towels.

He gets a special ratite feed we get from Mazuri. They're not territorial so long as they're raised with whatever you want them to be with. They can be defensive with dogs, but Moony was raised with dogs and cats and we've never had an issue with him.

Also, he wakes us up by grunting every morning at exactly 6am. Right outside my window.

And they love water. Zebra ducks.

[k1ng0fn0b0dy]

The American And The Brit 💜

(They/them pronouns)

(800+ words)

Description: Wilbur has a love or host. Unexpectedly though, you are right by his side. His clingy, American, flatmate.

A/N: Whether you take this as platonic or romantic is up to you.

[Rest of the story under the cut]

{《☆》}

Wilbur was being boring today. You wanted to spend the day together and play some horror games, you even offered to let him stream it. But no, he wanted to have a "Love or Host" and find himself someone to replace you.

Okay, maybe you were being dramatic.

"Wil!" You whined, holding onto his leg tightly. "Don't leave me."

"Americans are so annoying," Wilbur whispered under his breath. Sighing, he reached down to pull you off. "If you want, you can stay in the room."

"No." You stubbornly denied. It was getting harder to not let go, so you were starting to make your eyes teary. "You're not allowed to leave me."

Wilbur grumbled, trying not to look you in the eye. When he managed to pry your hand off his leg, you started sniffling.

"Okay fine!" Wilbur broke. "I still have to do it since I promised Austin, but you can be right next to me."

"But," You loudly sniff. "I want cuddles."

Wilbur accidentally looked you in the eyes, seeing your pitiful puppy eyes and cracking under the tears. "Fine. Fine..."

"Thank you," You grin happily, still attached to his legs. "I love you, bestie."

"Call me that again and I will just throw you in the wheelie bin."

{《☆》}

"Wilbur! Wel-, uh hello other person? Wilbur who is this?"

"Austin, this is Y/N. They are my flatmate and they forced me to bring them to my Love or Host." Wilbur sighed. You rest your head on Wilbur's shoulder and relax, just watching as Austin awkwardly nod along. "They'll just be here and do nothing. They're very clingy."

You poked Wilbur in the stomach, pouting. "You're the clingy one."

"Well, I suppose it's not too big of a deal. As long as they're not problematic, it's fine."

"Y/N doesn't even have Twitter."

Austin laughed. Then, he opened up the call and the contestants started pouring in.

Idly, you closed your eyes and played with one of Wilburs hands. They let you, talking softly with Austin as they started explaining the show.

"Er, who is that?"

"Niki, this is Y/N. They wanted to be clingy today so I had to bring them with me."

You opened an eye, poking Wilbur in the cheek and turning to face the camera. "He is lying. Wilbur is lying to your face. He demanded I be here. For moral support. And also because he is deeply and totally in love with me."

The group started laughing, making you grin wirly at Wilbur. Your roommate flushed and pokes you back.

"They're American though?" The Irish one asked. Minx, if you recall correctly.

"I came here because Wilbur convinced me to and then I got accepted to a college. It was practically entrapment because I'm stuck here now."

"Oh, shut up." Wilbur pinched your cheek, making you pull away and whine. "You're such an annoying American."

You frowned comically. "And you're a depressed e-boy."

"Austin, Y/N is bullying me!" Wilbur started whining. You smiled and closed your eyes again. Resting your head against his chest, you fell asleep for a few moments.

{《☆》}

"He's eating another fucking banana!"

Minx's loud yells made you groan as the group started cackling. You twisted until you were pressed even closer to Wilbur, trying to block out the noise.

"Oh," Wilbur whispered, pressing a hand to your back to help you fix yourself. He ran his fingers through the back of your hair, gently tracing random shapes. "Go back to sleep, it's okay."

"Hmm," You hummed. It was a weird limbo between awake and asleep. You could feel and hear everything, but the warm gooey feeling Wilbur made you feel kept you melted into a pile of sleepy goo.

"- so when you choose me and we go on a date-,"

"Mine," You mumbled, clutching tighter onto Wilbur. No one reacted, so you were probably too quiet about it. Louder, you said. "Mine."

"Y/N, shush." Wilbur patted your head. You shook your head sleepily, "No. Mine."

"That's actually adorable, Willington." Baffy comments, smiling at you. "I mean, yeah sure. You can have him."

Austin laughs. "Baffy? What the hell?"

"What?" She defends herself, "They're cute together."

"True." Another contestant agrees. "Are we just third wheeling right now?"

"Mhm," You mumbled softly. "My Wil." You let yourself relax again, blinking up at an exasperated Wilbur. With a dopey smile, you nuzzle your nose in his neck.

"I kinda don't want to win." Minx muttered. Niki blinked before nodding along.

"Is-, Y/N is somehow winning? And they're not even a contestant?" Austin said, thoroughly confused. You grin, sleepily blinking at the webcam.

"He's mine." You agree. Wilbur sighs and shakes his head. "I don't think I'm allowed to disagree." You pout when he stops running his hands through your hair. He barely lasts a second before he starts again.

{《☆》}

"Wilbur, since I won can we go cuddle."

"I don't think I have much of a choice, Y/N... You're such an annoying American."

"I love you too, British boy."

{《☆》}

[I haven't watched Wil's loh since it happened so the only people mentioned are people I only vaguely remember existing in it.]

[Either you're a clingy best friend or your a clingy person with a crush. The clingy isn't optional.]

[-L0v3, k1ng]

Masterlist

[running-in-the-dark]

oh my god I'm so glad we have already found a new apartment

our downstairs neighbour just talked to me! (I'm pretty sure it was on purpose that she did it now, she'd have known my partner is at work...)

she was so fucking angry. because my partner didn't clean the wheelie bin (twice!). and because - according to her - he didn't clean the staircase at all two weeks ago when it was our turn, and instead did it last week. which is just not true at all? he did do it, I saw the used rag and everything. and she yelled at him then too, so he went back and cleaned it again.

and he told me that he asked her what the problem is exactly (so that he can do it the way she wants it) and she said 'there's dirt' and refused to say more. which is completely unhelpful when you don't see the dirt (she showed it to me, I did not see it at all).

but to me, she said 'why doesn't he just ask??' and I was like is that a joke. he literally did that on several occasions and you said you don't want to say, he just needs to do better.

I was so pissed off, I didn't just stand there and take it like my partner does. which tbh just seemed to make her angrier (at first) lol. but I said we're moving out next month, partly because of her constantly yelling at us. 'me? yelling? that's not true' lol yeah you're literally doing it right now. and she said she talked to our landlord - I said yeah, she told us and said she thinks it's super childish of you to complain about that to her (probably shouldn't have said that but whatever, we're almost out of here, I don't give a fuck anymore).

the other neighbour had her door open and was just silently standing there the entire time, it was a bit weird.

she also said she's lived here for 40 years and it's never happened that someone is this bad and doesn't stick to the cleaning schedule. and I'm like... dude is this your only problem? this is the thing that makes us awful neighbours apparently?! not fucking cleaning the wheelie bin every fucking time we put it out (it's October!!! she said something about doing it in summer!! we don't know anyone who does that regularly AT ALL!!), and maybe messing up when cleaning the staircase? there were cobwebs one time and she lost. her. mind.

I cannot comprehend something this small and petty being your biggest problem. we are literally SO quiet. we don't do anything annoying. we don't have parties. we don't have screaming children. we're nice and polite. but no apparently we're awful. she was also really mad that my partner doesn't say much/anything when she yells at him. and I said '... he's scared when people yell at him??' and she just wouldn't accept it (this is literally the biggest problem in our relationship, he shuts down when there's ANY conflict, even when you're completely calm, so yeah bitch you can fucking believe it when I say that!!).

she did eventually stop yelling when I kept telling her it's fucking unnecessary to be so angry about this and that she can say this shit in a friendly way. lol. apparently she's not used to people not being scared of her (I get that, she's terrifying tbh. but I'm fucking done with her bullshit :) )

anyway, it really sucked, and she also woke me up so I was a mess and very confused. but! my anxiety meds are definitely doing something (even though they're not working perfectly anymore) because I'm just angry and annoyed, not scared. no panic attack yet. so that's good.

[drowningparty]

caleb: hey essek! sorry to bother you while you're at work but I missed you and I wanted to talk and this is embarassing I am embarassed but wow I missed you!

essek: I literally just saw you...two hours ago?

caleb: yes, but I needed to see you alone so I could ask if you wanted to interrogate that prisoner with me? but it wouldn't be like a date or anything unless you wanted it to be a date that'd be real cool but no pressure we could just hold hands maybe?

essek: you want to help interrogate the empire assassin?

caleb: yeah! did I ever tell you about that time I was an assassin for the empire? anyway, gotta go, yeza's throwing a tea party, I'd invite you but you're probably too busy being shadowy and important and out of my league

essek: I have... work to do... what did you say about being an assassin for the empire?

caleb: yeah okay bye! (5 seconds later) fuck fuck fuck I've fucked up fuck focus on the group focus on the group what am I doing I'm an asshole aghhhhhh *sets fire to a wheely bin*