#you’re allowed to be critical of a wrestler when they do something wrong

[critterdotcom]

i’m sorry but no one (even in pro wrestling) should be physically assaulted at their workplace just because someone didn’t like what they said. like i have probably had about twelve separate occasions at MY workplace in eight months where i have wanted to throw hands but i didn’t. you know why? because assaulting a coworker isn’t exactly the best thing to do. “well jack could’ve just kept his mouth shut!” HE WAS APPROACHED. probably wouldn’t have even said shit if punk hadn’t come over to him and started an argument. from what i’ve gathered, jack basically said “womp womp, cry me a river” and punk flew off the handle and choked him out. i’m the first to admit that yes, i am a jack perry fan, not at all a punk fan, but if the roles were reversed and jack walked up on someone to argue and turned it physical, i would be calling for him to get fired. because even if their profession is physical in nature, that’s out in the ring, and they should maintain a professional relationship outside of it, i.e. NOT assaulting each other. and jack got suspended for… being the target of an assault. right. meanwhile punk is living it up at the company he’s been shitting on loudly and repeatedly for years. yeah, ok. sure.

[undercoverwizardfanfiction]

Mud is Thicker then Blood: Test

Verse: ROTTMNT Fantasy Verse

Summary: Being a father is one thing, but also being a teacher is another matter entirely. Especially with a son as stubborn as Donnie

Characters: Leonard, Donnie, Mickey, and Danny

Pairings: Why are you like this?

Rated: G

Dedicated to: @star-boy-blue for all the amazing art you made us!

“Focus Donnie”

The fourteen year old in front of him rolled his eyes, but as a parent he’s used to that. Donnie brought up his bo staff again. “I am, Dad.” As he expected, Don responded with an attack. Whenever Don got frustrated, he’d always respond with physical retaliation. Len took a step back, avoiding the blow before forcing his way into Don’s space. The teen immediately got a flustered look on his face before doing a corkscrew dodge away. Len could see Don’s eyes shift to his left. The teen started charging to move past him when Len swept his hook staff out, catching him around the ankle. With a squawk, that Len struggled not to laugh at, Don hit the ground on his plastron.

Len couldn’t help but wince. ”You ok?” He stepped closer, kneeling down looking over his son's form with a critical eye. Other than some dirt on his clothes, there didn’t seem to be anything wrong. “How’s your leg?”

“It's fine.” Of course Don wanted to do things the hard way. He rolled away and back to his feet with his training staff in hand. A part of Leonard is proud, but he can’t help but sigh as he stood up. “Dee, you don’t have to do this. If you need more practice and training it's fine. No one will think less of you.”

The teen looked at him with what can only be described as exasperation. “No, you don’t get to decide when I’m done. After how many times you made me try ‘just one more time’. No, I’m not done till I say I’m done.” He spun his staff for a moment, probably to vent some anger before slamming the end into the ground and settling into a stance.

Len studied him for a moment. He knew that Donnie is determined not to fail today. He knew what’s at stake. “Then listen. When you bottle up your feelings you get clumsy. You lose your advantage. Just breath and you’ll succeed.” He slid back into a ready stance.

A moment later, Donnie was on him again. The two deflected each other’s attacks for a few moments before Don pivoted in his step. Bringing his staff up to swing at Len’s head. With more defense then necessary he brought his shoulder up to shove Don away before taking several steps back. Without breaking eye contact he reached up to test his ponytail to make sure it wasn’t undone. With that, Len couldn’t help but grin. A surge of energy went through him as his hand caught the incoming bo, his hand now traced with an almost translucent black flame that made Don give an offended noise. “No fair, you didn’t say we could use magic!”

“Come on, rule number one is sometimes you gotta make up your own rules.” Len freed his hand, allowing his kinetic magic to flow through his body. Don, who knew better at this point, bent his knees and jumped backwards. Len could see the gears rolling in his son’s head as Don decides his next move. Len shot forward to retaliate, causing Don to jump again with a furrowed brow when his levitation kicked in and allowed him to float further away and try to stay out of his reach.

Len was on him the minute he hit the ground with an almost inhuman speed. His son was able to deflect his blows but was forced to take several steps back till his shell was up against a tree. Len brought the hooked staff down from above as Don quickly blocked with his own. Len can see his brow is furrowed in frustration, struggling to come up with a solution to the problem. The part of him that is Donnie’s father, silently begged him to surrender. They can always try again later. The teacher in him begs his son not to give up.

Don suddenly released his bo staff and ducks away, the staff snapping to the ground causing Len to stumble. Before Len can move, Don twisted his body and gave him a kick in the ribs. The blow broke his concentration and he lost his kinetic magic as he held his ribs with one arm hand. “Nice hit,” he commented, even though he didn’t have a broken rib or even a bruise, it was enough to knock the air out of him. “It’s not enough to beat your old man though.”

Don grinned. “You said I didn’t have to beat you though.” In his free hand Don held up a familiar blue headband with a gold coin held between his fingers that made Len blink rapidly. He reached for his ponytail again, only to find that the headband he used to tie it back was replaced by a cheap, frayed string, that fell apart at his touch letting his hair fall in his face. He could only stare in surprise for a moment before grinning. “Yeah, I did say that.” He stood up. “When did you realize that’s where I hid the coin?”

“This morning I saw you putting product in your hair, which you wouldn’t have done unless you were worried something might fall out.” Donnie held up the coin. “This counts as a win right? I found the coin, stole the coin, all without you noticing.”

Len’s proud smile sank into a slightly sadder one, one he hoped donnie wouldn’t notice. “Yeah kiddo, you win.”

Barely a moment later, Mickey burst out of the bushes, flailing his flippers in the air “WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO go cookieee!” He shrieked with glee before sliding over and wrapping the teen in a hug. “Your Uncle Mickey is so so proud of you baby Deeeeeeeeeeeee.”

Don gave a loud gasp as he struggled to free himself. “Yeah I know Uncle Mickey! Air, turtles need air! Gah!” He squirmed around but Mickey’s hugs are a power all in themselves and they both end up in a somewhat escape/wrestling match (escape for Donnie, wrestling for Mickey), Len grinned as Danny approached him. “Well, he won.”

“Only because you went easy on him.”

Len glanced at the wrestling nephew and uncle, thankfully too enraptured in their wrestling match to notice them. “Don’t tell him that. He’s my kid, I’m not going to go all out on my kid.”

“I know, you big softy.” Danny wrapped his arm around Len’s neck and pulled him into a side hug for a moment before Len gave him a playful elbow to the ribs and steped away, he brought down his hook staff hard enough to catch the two wrestlers attention (though Mickey had Donnie in a nonlethal head lock, Donnie had a grip on either side of Mickey’s cheeks and was now trying to stretch his face out), Len snapped his fingers with his free hand and pointed to the ground just in front of him. Mickey squirmed free and went to his side while Don stood up.

Hesitating long enough to take a deep breath and move closer, readjusting his hood as though it were a safety blanket. In almost a blink the confident teen who wanted to challenge the world around him was again wracked with insecurity. But, as Donnie stepped up, Len knew his neverending courage would never fail him. “Um,” Donnie started quietly, “I did what you asked. I haven’t snuck out, I’ve listened to everything you said, trained with you everyday, and I got the coin without you noticing.” Despite the anxiety in his eyes, there’s a glimmer of hope. “Do I pass?”

Len had always waited for this day with dread and excitement. He let out a breath through his nostrils before putting on a brave smile. “Yeah you pass. You can be a Mud Dog now.” Don’s eyes filled with excitement as he curled his hands under his wide smile, a strangled squeal started emitting from his throat that sounded sorta like that time Mickey drank that bottle of rainbow liquid that made him radioactive for three days before he stood back up again. Seeming to understand there was more Len wanted to say.

“You’ve earned it. I always knew this day would come, but-” he reached out and cupped the side of his son's face. An act most sons would have detested but Don gently tilted his head into the touch with a smile “-It seems like yesterday I found you, a tiny little child with not even a name. I’ve seen you grow, get better, get stronger, smarter. More stubborn.” He used his thumb to rub his cheek, “You grew up too fast for me kid.”

“Are you saying you’re old now?” Don said with a wicked grin, trying to alleviate the swelling of Len’s melancholy. But Len responded with an equally wicked grin.

“Not too old to put you in a corner you brat.” He reached up and pulled down Don’s hood, causing him to let out a loud laugh before adjusting it to his standards. Len gestured to Danny and Mickey, “Alright, these two softies said they wanted to give you something in case you passed today. So I’ll let them at it.”

The teen blinked and looked in between the two, “Wait, no you don’t have to-“ but Danny waved him off. “Come on kid, I promise it isn’t vegetables this time.” With a dark blush, Don ducked his face into his scarf, save for his dark pink eyes but didn't protest further.

Danny went first. “From me.” He dug into his pocket, and drew out a familiar silver old pocket watch that he held out. It was probably twice Danny’s age and the only thing on it that had been replaced in its time was the fine dark purple cord that would hold it to the user's form. Don took it with both hands, eyes widening. “Recognize it? It’s the same one you fixed for me when we first found you. Been running ever since. Took care of it so when this day came you’d have something from your favorite Uncle.” Danny ignored Mickey’s offended look in his direction. “And see?” Danny pointed to the outside of the pocket watch, “it even has our initials.” Referring to the giant D on it. “It’s the closest thing I can give you to a family relic.” Danny gave a shrug that he probably hoped to seem nonchalant but failed at the slight quiver to Danny’s breath. “Hopefully you’ll think of me every time you use it,” he said rubbing Don’s scalp over his head.

With that he stepped back and turned away for a moment, probably hoping no one would catch him quickly dabbing at his eyes with his sleeve. If anyone but Len noticed they gave no indication. Don looked at the pocket watch with a smile and glint in his eyes before putting it back in his pocket and looking over to Mickey as he squiggled forward. “Well from your ACTUAL favorite Uncle,” Mickey made sure to give Danny a pout (who had collected himself to turn back around) before turning back to Donnie, “I made this a while ago, and figured you’d make good use out of it.” He held out a dark purple bag. That, to an observer may have looked like a terrible gift but Don’s eyes widened showing how valuable it really was. “It’s an infinite bag, you can load it up with a ton of stuff and carry it with you like it was nothing!” He flailed his tentacles excitedly. “Just like what we have!”

Don took the bag with both hands with a look of awe before he smirked weakly, “There’s not a criminal in this right? I don’t want another Registration Day fiasco-”

“IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!” Mickey cried loud enough for nearby birds to take off, flailing his tentacles again dramatically. “An accident! I didn’t know Heinous Green was in it, I didn't!” He probably would have spent another hour defending himself had Danny not reached out and pulled Mickey back. “I know buddy, I know.” Danny said, pulling off his fedora and setting it on the eel’s head as a way to appease him. Which you wouldn't think would have worked except Mickey immediately deflated, his head sinking into his neck as he let out a sigh, feeling the brim of the silk fedora with a giggle.

Donnie let out a chuckle at his uncle's antics before tying the bag to his waist. He opened his mouth again, probably to thank everyone when Len held up his hand, “I got you something too. It’s not exactly new but I think you’ll enjoy it.” He swung his hook staff around. The moment Don’s eyes set on it he gave a loud gasp.

“I-No-Dad I can't, I can’t!” he protested immediately, taking a physical step back. But Len gave him a stern, but warm look that made him move back into place. Len let the staff rest in the palm of his hand as it returned to its handle form with a flash. “The Dragon Claw staff has been in our family for generations. Only a few of us have been able to use it to its full power. My mom, your grandma, was the first to use it fully in three hundred years. Then me, then you. The staff accepted you as part of the Yukimura family ever since it formed in your hands when you were five. When you wield this staff, it’ll be like me and your grandma are always protecting you.” He extended it out to him.

In that moment, he remembered watching his Mother train with this same staff. He remembered learning how to use it under a bridge, his only shelter from the snow and the only distraction from his hunger. And finally, he remembered a small, green hand, far too curious for his own good, reaching out and touching it, only for it to flash and form. Scaring the poor child for a good day in a half. It had only been when it formed again at Don’s touch (days later under the protective eye of him and Danny) that Len knew it had claimed Donnie.

Donnie looked up to him, only when he saw Len’s affirming smile and nod, did the fourteen year old take it. Cradling it in his hands like a sacred treasure. Len could see the tears form in Don’s eyes and was in a way grateful that his son understood how important a moment this was. He’s about to step up and console him when Donnie scrubbed his eyes on his sleeve

“Th-thanks you guys. Thank you dad. I know I wasn’t always the easiest kid in the world, but you never laid a hand on me or gave up on me. Even though we aren’t blood, I never felt like we weren't….” He took a breath, “Family.”

At that moment, the tables are quickly turned and suddenly it's Len with rapidly filling eyes that he can’t blink away. “Aw hell,” he said, wrapping his arms around his son. He could feel Donnie hug him back just as tightly, his smaller hands gripping the back of his jacket as though terrified Len would disappear from his grasp. “I’m so damn proud to be your dad,” he said, pressing his face into Don’s scalp after giving it a small peck.

Don’s muffled voice broke out from its place in Len’s chest. “Are you crying?”

“No!” Len quickly rubbed his face with his free arm to hide his lies before rewrapping it around Don. “Of course not!”

“Oh, definitely, he’s barely keeping it together,” Danny said with a grin that made Len promise to burn all his romance novels later.

“He’s going to cry big time,” Mickey added.

Len glared at them both, “You two are assholes you know that!?” He used this thumb to wipe his newest stream of tears away. Despite what he said, and despite the laughter, the two Uncles joined in the hug, holding them together as close as they could. The world saw them as thieves, as criminals. Wanted posters said three of them were unreformable monsters. But in that moment, and in so many more, he was a father. The luckiest Dad in the world.

They were a family.

They would always be a family.

[rexcoatlarchive]

Such a thing as too much love (rewrite)

After receiving some criticism and advice and taking a look back at Quetz in game I've decided to rewrite this story. I'm leaving the other one alone for comparisons sake.

Palingenesis was a unique ritual chaldea used to help improve the servants and help them reach their fullest. The process caps out at what would be considered lvl 100 but it was never said whether or not that was truly the maximum.

Rex, in his deep love for his wife, had already helped her achieve the maximum for both her rider and ruler forms. But he always considered the possibility of going further. He wanted his goddess of a wife to go even further beyond her limits in this fight to save humanity.

Quetzalcoatl on the other hand saw the idea as him picking favorites. She thought it wasn't right and would rather prioritize grailing others to help. He wasn't afraid to admit that he really was biased, but that it only made sense, she was his wife so why shouldn't he treat her better.

Eventually after enough convincing she finally agreed on the condition that he only use 1 more grail, and any others would be used for other servants. Rex was fine with this, since she would go beyond 100 but others would still cap off at 100.

Quetz: mi amor, I understand that you love me very much. But it still doesn't feel right for you to spoil me in this way.

Rex: I understand mi corazon, but what kind of husband would I be if I don't spoil you once in a while.

Quetz: even if you did, I rather other forms of spoiling. Like setting up another lucha match like before.

Rex: we can do that another time. Now it's time for you to go beyond!

The ritual was being done in the couple's room rather then where it was traditionally done, as it wasn't allowed to try to go beyond the maximum. It also took a large amount of concentration, which was not Rex's strong suit.

Quetz: since you're doing it anyways, make sure you concentrate as hard as you can. You know you're not that good at it, your mind wanders too much.

Rex: I understand, and I will make sure it goes without a hitch!

He would be unable to do this however. As he was focusing, he couldn't help but get excited at the idea of a stronger Quetzalcoatl, this would cause him to botch the ritual and lead to the creation of something very interesting.

Rex: here goes nothing!

As he said this the grail glowed a bright white color and then light filled the room, before subsiding revealing the couple to be left on the floor.

Rex: oooohh, Quetz are you good?

Quetz: si. What about you mi amor?

Rex: I'm fine, what happ-

But before he could finish this thought the two noticed the new presence in the room. Another female servant, who looked remarkably similar to the floored sun goddess.

Quetz: eh?! Who are you?!

The other Quetzalcoatl stood there, with a more aggressive demeanor. Her smile was far more toothy then the original, her skin a pale snow white. Her headdress consisting mostly of feathers, her clothing colored an obsidian black and her choice of weaponry, a large spear rather then the sword the original wielded.

???: I'm you, pendeja!

Her words felt different from how the original would've spoken. They felt like the words of someone trying to start a fight. Her eyes shined a sharp gold color, and were slit like those of a snake's. When she opened her mouth a forked tongue could be seen, flickering like a snake's.

Quetz stood up, ready to fight if need be, but prioritized protecting her beloved master. She stood in front of Rex to keep him safe.

Quetz: mi amor! Stay behind me! We don't know who she is or what she'll do

The other one was clearly annoyed by this, when she looked at the original Quetzalcoatl her eyes stared daggers, she clearly wanted to start fighting the original. But when her eyes met those of the master they dilated like a cat seeing their prey, she seemed to harbor genuine affection towards him. It seemed to be something that carried over from the original.

???: you trying to keep master away from me is really irritating other me. Things would go smoother if you learned to share.

Quetz: I don't know what you mean by "other me" but I do know I won't let you get to my master.

???: isn't it obvious? Do you not remember Christmas? Or do you need another lucha match to help jog the memories?!

The other goddess spoke in a very aggressive manner. She was like a heel wrestler in WWE, or a Ruda as they would be called in lucha libre. She wanted to fight, she loved the idea. Especially with the original. Perhaps it was a way to show dominance.

Quetz: are you telling me you're Black Quetzal mask?

???: close enough, I have the memories of her from that Christmas. But I'm so much more this time around.

Rex: so did I end up splitting you like before?

Quetz: I don't think so, I don't feel any different. Maybe that's what she means by more?

???: exactly! Now you're getting it other me! I'm the new aggressive ruda Quetzalcoatl! Tho I guess another name would be more fitting? Hmmm, how about Kulkucan!?

Rex: the mayan feathered serpent? The one far more ok with the sacrifices and acted more like a war goddess?

Kuku: that's exactly right! My how smart mi amor!

She spoke to Rex in a far more kind manner then towards the original, she almost felt like the original gentler version when speaking to him. It was clear she seemed to want to be with him, but Quetzalcoatl wasn't having it.

Quetz: you don't have the right to call him that! Es mi esposo! Not yours!

Kuku: I knew you'd be like this! I was ready for a fight! Now we can have a real lucha match, no holding back!

Quetz: fine by me!

Rex: wait! Not here! You'll wreck the room!

Quetz: he's right, we're better off doing this somewhere else.

Kuku: fine by me! Anywhere's fine, I'll kick your ass regardless!

But as this was being said, the door opened

Mash: hey senpai! Da Vinci needs to ta- what the!? Whose that?!

Rex: it seems we've stumbled upon a Quetzalcoatl alter.

Mash: how do you stumble upon an alter in your room?

As she said this she noticed the grail on the floor

Mash: senpai! Did you try to use palingenesis more then what's allowed?!

Rex: ...maybe

Quetz: wait is that why?! Did you not concentrate?!

Rex: I was trying to but I guess my mind wandered. I didn't think this would happen tho!

Mash: it seems like you accidentally did the same thing Gilles and Medb did in their respective singularities.

Rex: not sure how to feel about those comparisons.

Mash: now what do we do?!

As this was happening Kulkucan took the opportunity to try and steal away the master, but Quetzalcoatl managed to grab him before she could make off with him.

Quetz: please let go of him! *she says as she starts to pull*

Kuku: I don't think so! He's mine now! *she pulls in her direction*

Quetz: like I'll let that happen! You're hurting him anyways so stop!

Kulkucan reluctantly conceded, if there was one thing she didn't want to do it was hurting Rex.

Kuku: ugh fine! *she says as she let's go of him*

This action lead to Rex and Quetzalcoatl falling over.

Mash: senpai are you ok?!

Rex: I'm fine

The alter stared daggers at the original again, annoyed that she had to let go

Mash: I think we need to get the others involved.

Later the group were in the command room. When Da Vinci was informed of what had happened, she was annoyed.

Da Vinci: you see stuff like this is why we cap it off at 100. And why we have a special facility for the ritual in the first place!

Rex: I'm sorry!

Quetz: ...si, I'm sorry too.

Da Vinci: what the hell are we going to do with the 2nd Quetzalcoatl.

Kuku: there's nothing to do! Just let us have our lucha match! Winner takes Rex!

Quetz: like I'd ever agree to those terms!

Kuku: ha! Afraid of losing!?

Quetz: I won't risk my marriage on a single lucha match! Regardless of how confident I am of victory!

Kuku: that just proves you don't think you can handle it!

Rex: that's enough you two! Please stop this, you don't need to fight so much!

Quetz: I'm sorry mi amor! I guess the idea of losing you riled me up too much!

She says this while hugging Rex, though it seemed that Kulkucan had something to say about this.

Kuku: don't hog all the love for yourself!

Now she started to try and hug him, leading to pushing and shoving from the two goddesses.

Da Vinci: cut it out! You might hurt him!

This lead to the two to stop what they were doing. It seemed that their master's safety was of the utmost importance to the both of them.

Both: sorry.

Da Vinci: Rex, you have to decide what to do. You caused this so now decide how to resolve it.

Rex: I mean, I'm not sure what to do. I know Quetz doesn't like Kuku. But she's a lot like Quetz, just more aggressive, so getting rid of her sounds wrong too.

The two goddesses didn't like that the situation frustrated their master, so they did the unexpected.

Quetz: ...well, I guess I can deal with her for your sake.

Rex: are you sure?

Quetz: si... I don't Ike sharing but you don't have to get rid of her.

Kuku: and I won't try fighting her so much, for your sake. It's the least I can do.

Rex: well I guess that's fine.

Da Vinci: well another servant joining isn't too bad.

Mash: what's her clas anyways? Is she a rider?

Kuku: I'm actually a Lancer! If you couldn't tell from my spear.

Rex: now we have 3 classes for Quetz! Interesting.

There's the rewrite. Hopefully I did a better job of keeping the original Quetz feeling more like herself and Kulkucan feeling more aggressive.

Tagging again

@panyum @hasereshdoneanythingwrong @haspaulbunyandoneanythingwrong @gxymlky @hasishtardoneanythingwrong @grievouslyxorvia @hasabbydoneanythingwrong @castlecsejtespeakertechnician

[dreamaboutwhathappens]

the man was FILLED with easter eggs and metaphors. here they are!

1. being in the room where it happens

in the lyric video for the man, we see a woman working so hard to try and get to where all the men are -- on top, both physically and metaphorically. in the music video, we see The Man starting out here, just another normal day at the office. another normal day in charge, and on top.

2. “i’d be a fearless leader”

The Man not so much as walks into the room and makes a few comments before getting applause for his work. at the same time, every desk in this office can be seen with a mountain of papers, files, and books stacked on top of them. for all the hard work that these people are doing in this office, The Man gets all the applause for a fraction of it.

3. the subway

now, obviously what we have here is what you have on any and every subway or other form of local transportation -- that one asshole who feels entitled to take up as much space as he wants at the discomfort of everyone around him. while i could get into how mansplaining is a metaphor for men feeling the right to take up more space in society then women, i won’t. instead, i want to focus on all the little details on this subway that tell men they can. at the very, very top of the frame, we see text at the bottom of an ad that says “because you DESERVE what you want” and the posters on either side of The Man tell us “mother nature doesn’t stand a chance” and “capitalize on the feeling”. this is how society treats men. they should get to do whatever they want, based only on their feelings or wants. this notion will become important in the subway station.

shoutout to the girl in the miss americana hoodie! i think we can safely say she’s listening to lover on her headphones.

4. the newspaper

for this image, i turned the brightness WAYYY up so we could read the newspaper. the leading headline is “what man won the year in celebrity dating?” with the caption “who crushed it this year?” one headline says “years most eligible CEO’s” and another says “men in love in sports”. now, i don’t have to tell you that taylor swift was vilified for her relationships. these headlines show the difference between how men and women are treated when it comes to relationships. what’s it like to brag about getting bitches and models?

on the back cover, we see a contrast between how men and women are viewed in society. the ad dedicated towards men has a very strong and tough vibe to it, and the article beneath it carries the title “it’s men against boys with no ladies around.” in fact, the only mention we get of said “ladies” is in the “style section” where we see two sexy, rail thin women posing at fashion shows. while society views men for their strength, women are supposed to be objects of beauty and desire, and nothing more. 

5. here lies taylor swift’s reputation (and all her previous albums)

now, obviously, the sign says “missing, if found, please return to taylor swift” and grafitied on the walls are the names of the albums whose masters taylor does not own. remember when those ads on the subway told men that you DESERVE what you want? that’s what empowered The Men who stole taylor’s masters to take them. they wanted them, after all! let’s also remember that The Man is can be seen pissing on the wall in this shot. it’s a metaphor for The Men who own taylor’s old albums and are essentially pissing on all her hard work. we can also see “KARMA” written in big letters in the middle of all the albums, which invokes a lyric from look what you made me do: “all i think about is karma, and then the world moves on but one things for sure, maybe i got mine but you’ll all get yours”. pretty sure karma is coming for The Men who own taylor’s masters.

if you look closely, you can also see a sign to the left of The Man that says no scooters! sc*oter bra*n is not welcome at the 13th street station

6. “i’d be just like leo in st. tropez”

for your viewing pleasure, i have included an image of leo in st. tropez. we can see women in bikinis, and every sort of expensive, luxurious form of leisure you could think of. during the verse where we see The Man on the yacht, she sings “they’d say i hustled, put in the work, they wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this i deserve”. this is reminiscent of The Man when he was in the office and how, no matter how much work he did or didn’t do, he is heralded as a genius. the point of saying she’d be just like leo in st. tropez is not to try and call out leonardo dicaprio for going a cruise and having some fun. people should be entitled to celebrate and vacation however they please. the point is that women should be able to do the same thing.

7. The Man’s “walk of shame”

this is a metaphor for how men in society are treated when they take a misstep. while women can be criminalized and thrown the wolves, it appears that men always have people on their team, and in this case, hands lining up to be high-fived. men often are not held to the same standards as women, and even when they do something wrong, they face very little backlash for it, and normally have their own set of groupies or supporters telling them that they were really in the right (and they are allowed to believe it).

at the back of the hallway, there hangs a portrait of The Man pointing at the camera, as if to say “you ARE the man.” it feels like uncle sam, but in a “ i want YOU for us army whatever your heart desires” kind of way.

8. world’s greatest dad

the bar for men is so low that when they do the very minimum (in this case, merely look after their own child), they get commended for it. imagine if this were a woman. would she be applauded? no, she would probably be reprimanded for being on her phone and ignoring her child, like The Man did here.

9. bragging

this one is pretty self-explanatory. what’s it like to brag about raking in dollars and getting bitches and models? what’s it like when it’s all good if you’re bad and it’s okay if you’re mad? in this scene, we see The Man telling all his buddies about the bitches and models and dollars, and then freaking out on somebody. 

10. raking in dollars

who's on the 100 dollar bill? he is! the serial number on this bill also ends in 13. i thought there might be more hidden goodies here, but if there are, the video isn’t in high enough resolution to tell. the only other thing i can make out was that it said “for motion picture use only” which i thought would be an easter egg until i rendered it in photoshop and could read it clearly. oh well!

11. raising money for the women’s charity

a problem we see in society a lot is people of privilege being an ally only by action, not by everyday behavior. here, we see The Man benefitting a women’s charity, but all throughout the video we haven’t seen him go out of his way to respect or give a voice to women. even in this shot, a woman stands on the sidelines while The Man takes all the glory. while he raises money for women, he has no other character traits that show he actually cares about them. 

in a different shot of this scene, a water bottle from taylor’s merch can be seen on the sideline.

12. the unimpressed umpire

this is taylor’s dad! his name is scott. in a video full of mediocre men, scott is our resident Good Man :)

13. the freakout

in 2018, serena williams unleashed on an umpire who accused her of cheating and stuck her with her third penalty of the game -- penalties the whole crowd was certain she did not deserve. she even said at the time “To lose a game for saying that, it’s not fair. How many other men do things? There’s a lot of men out here who have said a lot of things. It’s because I am a woman, and that’s not right.” this is a DIRECT representation of this. it’s as they say, it’s all good if you’re bad, and it’s okay if you’re mad.

14. the hat

the hat our tennis attendant is seen wearing says “TS” in big letters, and in a circle around it, it says “i’d be a fearless leader, i’d be an alpha type.” taylor’s dad can also be seen wearing this hat.

15. the one where lover is NOT the happy couple’s first dance

first of all, this shit makes me SO uncomfortable. this is obviously an allusion to all the men who marry MUCH younger women, which is poignant because, again, taylor suffers mercilessly for her relationship choices, and they’re nowhere near as abhorrent as this. something also worth mentioning: scott borchetta is turning 58 this year. i’ll let you figure the rest out.

16. mr americana

any taylor swift fan will know that in january, taylor released a documentary with an intimate perspective on her life titled “miss americana” which focused a lot on the struggles taylor has overcome in her career. choosing miss americana to be a part of this video is a wise choice, because it highlights those same struggles that taylor is tackling in this music video. we can probably assume that mr americana faces significantly less struggles.

every part of this poster has been revamped to be man-centered, even down to the star role - tyler swift, not taylor.

17. take two

here, our director tells The Man that he needs to be sexier, and more likable. this reflects criticism that taylor and other women in the public eye hear almost daily. as i mentioned before, women in society are valued only as objects of beauty and desire, and here, we see the script flipped to bring that to light. 

in this final scene, we leave the fantasy world of the music video that The Man is starring in, and go to what appears to be a woman-dominated world, insinuating that the universe of the music video is one opposite to our own. this drives home the claim that if taylor were the man, she would be the man.

18. dwayne the rock johnson

i thought that having the rock voice The Man was really poignant. think about the rock’s career -- started out as a wrestler, is now an actor, but he’s known for his kindness and his dedication to social justice. if you asked me if he had ever been a part of any scandal, i would tell you no. and that’s exactly who The Man is. that’s exactly who this song is about, and that’s who taylor is. she has had an insanely successful career spanning over a decade, crossing into multiple different genres and fields, and excelling at all of it. she’s friendly, hard working, a social justice warrior, and a philanthropist. but all of those things are pushed aside in favor of the negative. using the rock as The Man was the perfect way of finishing off the statement,

“if i was a man, i’d be the man.”

[comicgeekscomicgeek]

Their Hero Academia – Chapter 64: Final Exam part 6: Making the Grade

Presenting the next raw and unedited chapter of my on-going, next-gen, My Hero Academia fic, Their Hero Academia!   Please note, this chapter may undergo more extensive editing before it gets posted to AO3/FF.net, as this one ended up a bit on the long side.

Earlier chapters can be found here

“Kocho!  Were you watching the whole thing?  I didn’t know you were going to be here!  Does this mean you’re going to be in our class?” Ojiro wrapped her arms around Koharu and pulled her into a tight hug, which she returned.  “What’d you think?”

“Maybe let her breathe, Kimmie?” Sato asked, but he was smiling.  Even Koharu would admit the invisible girl’s enthusiasm was contagious.

“I was,” she told them, as she took a seat in the small auditorium she and Class 1-A had been brought to after the exam had ended, injuries had been tended to, and the Hero Course students had had a chance to shower and change.  “You guys did good.  I was worried for a while, but wow, you really pulled it off!  Your teacher was quizzing me just about the entire time on what I’d do if I was out there with you. So, yeah, I think that’s pretty official.”

“Yeah, that sounds like him,” Sero added.  He had one of those flick-combs and was trying to fix his hair. One strand was stubbornly sticking up no matter what he did.  “Do you think he’s that scary naturally or does he have to work at it?”

“Bro, really?” Sato asked.

“I’m pretty sure it’s natural,” Koharu told him.    “He can make you feel like he’s glaring at you even if he’s not looking at you.”

She gave a wave to Midoriya and Haimawari, who were in the front row with Tokoyami and Shinso. Twenty chairs filled the back of the room, meaning it could have fit a Hero class with room to spare or any class from any of the other courses.  There was a podium at the front, and a large projection screen behind it.

As Aizawa, All Might, and Vice-Principal Midnight entered the room, Class 1-A grew silent and took their seats.  Koharu folded her wings and took a seat in the second row from the back, with Ojiro, Sero, and Sato.

Behind the teachers followed the Villains from the exam.  She recognized the bug-like Nauseous and the winged Raptor right off the bat, and it wasn’t hard to identify Kamuy and Shadow-Thief.  Even utterly depleted of power, Kamuy still towered over most of them.   The last one, a beefy man built like a sumo wrestler,  with a shovel-like jaw, had to be Jawbreaker, even if he was now made of flesh instead of a conglomeration of metal, concrete, wood, and rock.  All of them had changed from their costumes to comfortable clothes.  Most of them looked amazingly relaxed for people who had just been fighting a bunch of students less than an hour ago.  Only Shadow-Thief kept stealing furtive glances at the door.

Aizawa took the podium and held their gaze for what seemed like an uncomfortably long time.  She was certain he was doing it on purpose, trying to put them on edge.  She’d already gathered from his exam behavior and the discussion about the “Villains” that he liked to play mind games.  “So, let’s discuss the results of your exam.”

He clicked a button on a small remote control, and the screen behind him divided into three vertical segments.  The right portion contained a picture of Recovery Girl and a note that her final distance from the civilian defense shelter was two meters.  Koharu had to admit, her heart had been in her chest the entire time Haimawari had been racing after her, especially as Shadow-Thief had gotten closer and closer to the end.  But given that the numbers were green, she guessed they were still good.

“You were able to complete your primary objective and keep Doctor McGuffin from being moved past the 100 meter,” Aizawa went on.  “Barely.  Not guarding the defense shelter after you engaged with the Villains’ final assault was foolish and under other circumstances, could have been deadly not just to Doctor McGuffin, but to the others inside as well.”

Ojiro’s arm shot into the air.  “No fair!”  she whined. “You didn’t tell us she could just sneak inside like that!”

Aizawa narrowed his eyes. “The results would have been the same if one of the more powerful Villains had brute forced their way in. You all practically left the door open and did not only did not account for the full range of her teleportation abilities, but seemed to forget her existence entirely once you were engaged with the others.  I shouldn’t have had to explain what all the Villains could and could not do to get in.”

Even Koharu had forgotten about Shadow-Thief, getting much more caught up in watching the other fights. But Aizawa was right too.  

“Would have gotten away with it too,” Kamuy said to Shadow-Thief, “if you hadn’t stopped to gloat.”

“Don’t blame me,” Shadow-Thief hissed.  She jerked a thumb in Aizawa’s direction.  “He was the one who said we had to give them a fighting chance.”

“Still,” he went on, “you met the objective.  Barely.”

The middle portion of the screen showed a tally of civilians rescued and a separate tally of failed rescues. The top number was bigger by a long shot, in the three digits, but there were numbers on the bottom too.

“In terms of civilian rescues,” Aizawa went on, “you more than surpassed the bar we set.  The number of failed rescues includes a portion of the those injured in Doctor McGuffin’s abduction, but also those missed during the course of your other fights.”

He looked down. “Fortunately, no real lives were lost, as this was just an exam.  But in the real world, there will come times when you’re unable to save everyone. When you have to make a split second decision between confronting the Villain or saving the civilian.  When you’re too slow or not attentive enough or simply unaware there’s anyone there.  It will happen and it’s more than likely at some point, you will make the wrong choice.

“So learn while you can.”

None of the others said anything at that, though many of class 1-A exchanged glances with each other. Koharu guessed that they were trying to figure out what they’d missed, what they hadn’t seen.  Second guessing could make you crazy like that. Hopefully, it wouldn’t weigh on them too much.

The final screen displayed pictures of the Villains, all of them but Shadow-Thief with a red x slashed through them.  “And for your third objective, you managed to defeat four of the five Villains.  As valiant as your rescue of Doctor McGuffin was, Haimawari, I’m afraid it did not count as a complete take down of Shadow-Thief.”

“Still,” Shadow-Thief piped up.  “Nice try, kid.”

“I’m going to be sore for days,” Jawbreaker said, speaking less gruffly now than he had during the exam. “I wasn’t expecting children to go all out like that.”   He rubbed the back of his neck.  “I haven’t been hit like that in a while.”

“At least you got to put up a fight,” Nauseous said.  “I got taken out early.”

“Wimp,” Kamuy taunted.

“Can you all not…?” Raptor said.

“Settle,” Aizawa growled.   He looked over the class again. “As we told you originally, in addition to the three-tiered priorities for passing the exam, we were also scoring you individually.  You’ll all receive more detailed feedback after All Might, Midnight, and I have had a chance to compile it, but for now, we’ll be providing a basic evaluation of your exam performances.”

There was a collective gulp from the class.  Even Koharu felt a chill go down her spine.  

***

Worried looks passed through 1-A, dreading the criticism that was surely going to come from Aizawa. Koharu had only known him a short amount of time, but already she could tell that he did not suffer fools gladly and was quick to point out any flaws he found.  Judging by how fearful 1-A looked… she was going to assume it did not get any better with time.

“Aoayama,” Aizawa began.   The glowing boy stiffened in his seat. “Nothing exceptional in your performance, but no glaring weaknesses either.  You made decent use of your Quirk to try and counter your foes.”

“Merci,” Aoyama said, looking relieved.

It was short lived. “However,” Aizawa went on, “check the arrogance.  When you were out the search and rescue teams, you lost valuable seconds arguing with your teammates.  If you have something to contribute, offer it.  But don’t automatically assume you know better.”

Aoyama looked down, but nodded in response.

“Funny, that’s not how I remember it when we used to team up, Eraser,” Vice-Principle Midnight said, giving him a teasing nudge with her elbow.  

“I seem to recall some choice words as well,” All Might said, wearing a grin that might have best been described as “shit-eating.”

“That’s not the topic of discussion,” Aziawa said.  “Moving on.”

He made a show of shuffling his papers.  “Since we have two Iidas in the class,” Aizawa went on, giving Vice-Principle Midnight a significant look, “we’ll begin with Sora.

“Overall, impressive tactical thinking in the early stages and excellent teamwork throughout.  When the shooting started, you did a good job taking command of the situation and put yourself at risk for your teammates. Commendable.

“But you twice allowed yourself to become distracted and vulnerable because you were worried about your boyfriend.”

“That’s when I got you,” Jawbreaker said.  “And I’m not exactly easy to miss.”

Sitting next to Sora Iida, Midoriya turned a bright shade and sunk low in his seat.  

“They’re dating?” All Might gasped.  “Young Grandson, why did you not tell me about this?!” Koharu wouldn’t have thought it possible, but Midoriya turned even redder.

“Sorry, Grandpa Might,” he squeaked.  

“Heroes in relationships are more common these days,” Midnight said.  “But with a handful of exceptions like Suneater and Nejire-Chan, they typically don’t work together, for just such a reason.  I’m all for young love, but do keep it in mind, children.”

At this point, Koharu was wondering how Midoriya’s chair hadn’t caught on fire.  Sora Iida looked nonplussed by the whole thing, occasionally shooting curious glances Midoriya’s way.

Still, Koharu understood the flying girl’s worry.  Midoriya had been knocked under a collapsing building and no one had been able to raise him. He could have been hurt or worse. That he’d just been pinned down with his patched together communicator unable to get a signal out was nothing short of a minor miracle.

“As you say,” Sora Iida said.  “Thank you.”

“As for you, Tensei,” Aizawa continued, “you demonstrated overall good sense and teamwork, and a willingness to sacrifice yourself for your teammates.  You kept your head about you.”

“He still went down when I got ahold of him,” Jawbreaker added.  “All that speed doesn’t do anybody any good once somebody grabs you.”

Tensei nodded.  “I shall endeavor to improve.   Perhaps some sort of shock field through certain points on my armor…”

“It would be difficult to properly calibrate the strength of it though,” his sister said.  “Especially since you could not anticipate enemy resistance in advance and under such circumstances, it would be difficult to manipulate precise controls.”

Both twins made a “Hmmm” sound and looked like they were about to burst into more discussion.   Aizawa cut them off. “Moving on,” he said.  “Ojiro.”

Next to her, the invisible girl stiffened and shook.  On her other side, Sato took her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“You did well,” Aizawa said. “Good use of your Quirk, good support of your classmates, and good, if unorthodox, thinking when fighting Kamuy.”

“You’re creepy, kid,” Kamuy growled.  

“Continue focusing on your skills and teamwork,” Aizawa finished.  “And know when to back off.  Your stunt against Kamuy ultimately worked, but it also severely hampered Todoroki and Kaminari’s ability to support you.  If Aoyama and Tokoyami hadn’t arrived when they had, you could have had trouble.”

“Yes, Mister Aizawa,” Ojiro replied, actually sounding serious.  Koharu hadn’t known her long, but she hadn’t really expected that of her.

“See, Kimmie” Sero said, leaning forward and looking her way.  “Nothing to worry about.”

“As for you, Kaminari,” Aizawa said, and Koharu looked to the back row, where the blonde was sitting next to Mineta, “while you proved effective during the majority of the fighting, with good use of your Quirk and Support gear…

He sighed wearily. “Victory dancing?  Really?   Never let your guard down like that.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” Kaminari replied, her Cords drooping.  “In my defense, I really thought she was down.”

“That kind of overconfidence will get you killed, Sweetie,” Vice-Principal Midnight said.  “As it was, it nearly cost your class their win.”

That got a gasp.  And there was a lot of hurried talk and in the case of Kirishima-Bakugo, a lot of swearing.  It wasn’t until Aizawa activated his Quirk that they silenced again.

“Had any of the objectives not been met,” All Might said, gravely, “we’d be having very different conversations right now.  As it stands… we decided the two things canceled each other out well enough.”

“Understood,” Kaminari said, very quietly.  Mineta gave her a small hug, but Kaminari pushed her away.

“It wasn’t even good dancing,” Kamuy added, which earned her a glare from a couple of the others.

It wasn’t fair, in Koharu’s opinion.  But in the real world, that kind of slip up would have absolutely been fatal.  And even she was boggled by Kaminari’s early declaration of victory.

“Kirishima-Bakugo,” Aizawa began, clearly eager to move on.  

The muscular blonde girl sat up a little straighter in her seat.  “Bring it, teach.”

“You acquitted yourself well in straight-up combat scenarios and demonstrated a measure of tactical thinking,” Aizawa went on.  “But your first instincts continue to remain all out, full-frontal assaults.  Those aren’t always going to work.”

“Worked well enough on this guy,” Kamuy said,   giving Jawbreaker a nudge.

“Shut up,” Jawbreaker snapped back.

“Worked so far,” Kirishima-Bakugo said, flipply.  “But got it. More thinky, less blasty.”

“I could have told you that,” Todoroki, who was sitting on her left, said.

“…Maybe tell me those things earlier, Iz.”

Aizawa’s attention focused next on the rock-skinned girl sitting next to Aoyama.  “Koda, you made good use of your Quirk and demonstrated excellent teamwork with your classmates.”

“Thank you,” Koda said.

“Unfortunately, your combat skills are often not as aggressive as fits the situation.  While I respect your desire to cause as little harm as is necessary… there are times where that’s simply not possible. Restraining your opponents won’t always work.”

“Sometimes,” Jawbreaker added, “you just have to hit someone.”

“I shall keep that in mind,” Koda replied.  

“I thought you performed admirably, Mademoiselle Koda,” Aoyama said, making a dramatic flourish with his hands.  

“Now, Sato,” Aizawa said, obviously determined not to get derailed.  

Next to Ojiro, Sato just buried his head in his hands.  “Oh no, here it comes.”

“You were one of the few to be able to properly approximate how Kamuy’s Quirk worked, and you were able to use that you your advantage, so good job there.  And you had creative application of your Quirk when you faced her the second time, as well as good teamwork with Ojiro.  In the future, however, you may want to put more work into combat options that don’t require the use of your Quirk.”

It took a minute for Sato to realize he wasn’t being yelled at.  “He said you did good, Kenta!” Ojiro squealed.  “Get your head up!”

“Th—thank you,” Sato said, nodding rapidly.  “Thank you, sir.”

“Shinso,” Aizawa said, and Koharu could have sworn that there was something just a little warmer in his voice when he said the same compared to the rest.  She remembered how he’d cheered for the purple-haired boy when they were watching the exam.  Just what was the relationship between the two of them?  

“Excellent teamwork and good use of your Quirk,” Aizawa said.  “We did have some concerns you weren’t giving it your all, but you eventually corrected.”

A small smile pulled its way across Aizawa’s face.  “And your… unique insights proved invaluable in supporting your team’s efforts.  Good job.  Work on bringing your A-Game right out of the gate though.  Don’t just build up to it.”

“Got it!” Shinso bubbled, punching the air.  “Give them the Smash right from the start!”

“As for you, Shoji,” Aizawa continued, looking at the tall, six-armed boy.  Koharu was one hundred percent of a lesbian, but even she had to admit, Shoji was ridiculously good looking.  No wonder Ojiro’s webshow—After becoming friends with her, she’d dug up a few old episodes—called him Class 1-A’s most eligible bachelor.   Of course, she’d suddenly stopped doing that for some reason, but hadn’t mentioned why.

“You did well.  Good fighting skills, good teamwork.  Work on showing some greater initiative in planning and remember that you have options for long range attacks that don’t put you at as much risk in a physical confrontation.”

“Understood,” Shoji said with a small nod.

“Sero,” Aizawa began.   The name had barely left his lips when the pink-skinned boy let out a terrified whimper and turned several shades paler.  “Overall, good teamwork and good rescue work.  You were especially effective against Raptor.”

“Damn tape,” the winged man growled.  “Swinging me into that building hurt.”

“But watch your grandstanding.  The correct response to finding out you’re fighting real Villains is not worrying about your hit count.”

Sero still hadn’t moved or reacted.  It took Sato giving him a nudge.  “Bro. You’re not dead.”

“I’m not?”

“You’re not.  I’d tell you if you were.”

“Good.”

Once again, Aizawa looked as though he’d rather be anywhere else.  He closed his eyes and appeared to be counting, judging by the slight movement of his lips.    “Tokoyami.”

The glowing frog-thing, Frog-Shadow Koharu thought it was called, was sitting on Tokoyami’s shoulder. She perked up at Tokoyami’s name. “And me!” the thing declared.

Aizawa gaze briefly went to a corner of the room, where a yellow sleeping back, of all things, was sitting.  He instead returned his attention to the bird-headed girl.  “The first true victory went to you, so congratulations on that.”

“She got you good, bug man!” Kamuy yelled, slapping Nauseous on the back.

“Yeah, yeah,” Nauseous growled.  “Rub it in, why don’t you?”

“I was planning on it.”

“As seems to be the common theme here, good use of team work and collaboration with your classmates. However… as difficult as it is to draw the line where you and Frog-Shadow end and begin, let’s focus on your own physicality and active participation in these battles.  Being saved by your living Quirk is fine, but you cannot rely on that.”

“I shall keep that in mind,” Tokoyami said, giving a slight nod.  “Or rather,” she added before Frog-Shadow could interrupt, “we shall.”

“Todoroki,” Aizawa went on, addressing the pale girl with the multi-colored hair.  Koharu wasn’t quite sure how her ombré hair worked exactly, starting white but turning red the further out it got, but given that her own hair matched the pattern of her wings, she wasn’t sure she was in any position to question it.  “Your overall performance was excellent.”

“Indeed,” All Might bellowed, interrupted him.  “Young Todoroki was very much the MVP of the exam!  You proved invaluable in multiple Villain confrontations!”

“I merely did what I could,” Todoroki said demurely.  “I only regret that I was unable to better protect my classmates…”

“That is unfortutnate,” Aizawa said.  “But sometimes inevitable.  In the meantime, you demonstrated excellent use of your Quirk and good overall thinking and teamwork.  Continue to work on your endurance and you’ve a bright future ahead of you.”

“Would it be possible to have that in writing?” Todoroki asked.  “I would like to make sure my mother is aware of these facts.”

“Geeze, more jokes, Iz?” Kirishima-Bakugo asked.  “You’re on a roll today.”

“Yes,” Todoroki said, her voice carefully neutral.  “A joke.”

“You’ll receive your written evaluation later,” Aizawa reminded her.  His voice turned protective.  “But by all means, do invite your mother to visit if she has any… concerns.”

In the front row, Haimawari squirmed uncomfortably as Aizawa focused his attention on him. “Haimawari, your overall performance was positive.  If not for your efforts, the class would have failed the primary objective.  You also proved your strategic worth against Jawbreaker and your combat powers against Raptor.”

“That was your plan?” Jawbreaker asked.  “Good job, kid.”

“I was supposed to give you a chance,” Shadow-Thief added, “but I didn’t expect you to catch up. You could be faster than Inegnium someday.”

Aizawa stared the lanky boy down.  “You’ve raised my expectations of you, Haimawari.  I’ll be looking to see you step up to leadership positions again.”

In spite of the praise, Haimawari looked a little pale.  “Ah, okay, got it.  Thank you, sir.”

“As for you, Midoriya,” Aizawa continued, “if you keep hitting up against a wall and keep bouncing off, what do you do?”

“If you’re this kid, you keep on doing it,” Jawbreaker said with a laugh.

“Maybe… not that?” Midoriya tried.  “It’s kind of my go to move, but it really wasn’t working so well. And there wasn’t a lot of room to do some of my bouncing tricks like Gran Torino.”

“At least,” Aizawa said. “You recognize it.  You’ve got a lot of power and a lot of techniques, work on developing them.  We can focus on some options for when your usual strategies don’t cut it. Additionally…”

“Yes, Mister Aizawa?” Midoriya said, in response to Aizawa’s trailing off.

“In the next team exercises in class, you’re not allowed to take charge or formulate plans unless your teammates have also come up with plans.  I think we’re all very aware how much of a leadership role you’ve taken.  And while those skills are desirable for a Hero, we can’t have your classmates becoming complacent.”

“He is right, Young Grandson,” All Might added.

Midoriya nodded. “You’re right,” he said.  “I’ll… do my best to stick to that.”

“See that you do.” Aizawa looked down at his notes on the podium, then up at the class.  He looked back down again, as though he was making sure of something and made a pained expression.  Finally, he looked back up.

“And Mineta,” he said. “As is becoming a pattern for you against live opponents, you demonstrated solid tactical thinking when provoking your opponents into a trap or otherwise keeping their focus on your mouth instead of what you’re doing.  I would tell you to be less…”  He gestured vaguely.

“Ah, you just gestured at all of me,” Mineta said.

“Exactly.  I’d like you to be less you.  Except that it seems to be working.”  He pinched the bridge of his nose.  “It would be illogical not to encourage you to continue using those skills, not matter how distasteful.”

“What Eraser is saying,” Vice-Principal Midnight added, “is continue to own it, girl!  If I was still active in the field, I’d snare you for a sidekick in a heartbeat.”

At that, Mineta actually blushed, something Koharu hadn’t been sure was actually possible.  “Y-yes, Vice-Principal.  T-thank you.”   Koharu was extremely sympathetic though.  The Vice-Principal’s expression was enough to set her own heart aflutter.

“Continue to work on battlefield discipline, however,” Aizawa corrected.  “As useful as your… talents are, there is a time and a place.”

“Got it,” Mineta said. “Time.  Place.”

“And Kocho.”   It took Koharu a moment to realize Aizawa had said her name.  The others of 1-A turned to look at her.   “Overall, good analysis of how you’d participate against the exam Villains. Though you did forget about Shadow-Thief, just like the rest of the class, so I can’t fault you for that entirely.   But good analysis overall, especially for someone not currently in the Hero Course.  I’ll be expecting good things of you when you join the class for the training camp and for the next term.”

“I knew it!” Midoriya shouted.

“Way to go!” Sero said.

“Good job!” Sato added.

“You did it!  You did it!” Ojiro said, practically bouncing in her seat.   Cheers went up from some of the others, like Haimawari, and even those of she didn’t really know, like Shinso.

The celebratory moment was short lived.  One of the Villains, Jawbreaker, spoke up.  “So… that’s it then?”

Aizawa nodded.  “The exam is over and the students will be returning to their dorms after this.”

“Then,” Raptor said, “I suppose we just wait for the police, then?”

All Might gave Aizawa a surprised look.  “Just what did you tell them, Aizawa?”

“He said we had to beat the kids if we wanted early parole,” Shadow-Thief snapped.   “I knew it.  I knew I should have run when I had the chance… just taken my chances and run…”

“I can’t speak for these idiots,” Kamuy said, “but I’ll go quietly.  I gave my word and I keep it.”

“What’s a few more years?” Nauseous said, shrugging.

“It was a logical ruse to get the most competitive edge out of you,” Aizawa said.  “Once you’ve returned to your respective detention centers, your effects will be returned to you and your releases will be processed.

Koharu wished she could say she was surprised.  Even already knowing that Aizawa had misinformed the Villains somehow, she hadn’t expected that.  But given what she was learning about the man, along with the dirt that the Voice and Deku had spilled on him, she really, really wasn’t surprised.  

“You bastard!” Shadow-Thief snarled, and had to be restrained by Kamuy and Jawbreaker.  She probably could have escaped easily if she’d wanted to, but it seemed her heart wasn’t in it, as she let the other two push her back down.  “I thought I’d lost my chance…!”

“Guess I’m going home,” Raptor said, leaning back in his chair and smiling.

“You’re definitely a bastard, Aizawa,” Jawbreaker said.  “But I have to say… it worked.”

All Might just shook his head.  “Dirty pool, Aizawa, dirty pool.   Let me apologize on his behalf.”

Jawbreaker waved a hand in the air.  “Honestly, I figured he was bullshitting us.  It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.  But I figured it was a worth a shot.”

All Might just shook his head.  “One of these days, Aizawa, these “logical ruses” of yours are going to backfire…”

“Haven’t yet.”

Being in Class 1-A, Koharu thought, was definitely going to be an experience.

***

“Okay, everybody,” Midoriya began, “if I could just have your attention for a minute?”

Unfortunately, Class 1-A (and Kocho, who’d been invited to celebrate with them) were too busy celebrating their exam victory to notice.  After the exam, they’d pooled their money—Izumi had offered to pay for the whole thing, but they’d insisted it come from all of them—and ordered pizzas (and shakes for Kocho), gotten the stereo going, and turned the dining area into a party spread with other snacks and sodas.

It had been close out there more than a few times, but Isamu was glad he’d been able to be a part of it. Of course, now Aizawa was expecting bigger and better things from him, on top of having already raised his profile at the Sports Festival, so that was a lot to live up to. And there was still the training camp on the horizon.  They had a departure date for it, but no other details. But those were worries for another day.  

He did wonder how the other Hero Courses were doing.  1-B was supposed to be taking theirs this afternoon, and 1-C in the evening.  Kana had promised she’d let him know when they were done though, so he was anxiously awaiting that text.  1-B didn’t have as many “heavy hitters” in it as his class did, but they had a lot of variety and a lot of potential for teamwork if they really tried at it.

“Guys?” Midoriya tried again.

“If everyone could give us their attention for just a moment?” Tokoyami tried, with no success either.

“HEY!  LISTEN!” Frog-Shadow shouted, from her perch on Tokoyami’s shoulder.   And that did get everyone to shut up.

“…Thank you,” Midoriya told Frog-Shadow, before looking around at the class.

“Anytime!” Frog-Shadow said, giving him a thumbs’ up.

“As I was saying,” Midoriya continued, “everybody did great out there.  There’s not a one of you I’m not proud of.  Not that I was worried for a minute, but we really showed how we could come together when it really matters.  So absolutely, let’s celebrate!  We earned it!”

Isamu joined with his classmates in cheering, though he thought Kaminari looked like her heart wasn’t in it, despite everyone having told her that they didn’t blame her for almost causing them to fail the exam.  He could see the electric girl had taken the criticism to heart and he doubted she’d do anything like that again.

He’d talk to her later if he had the opportunity.  They weren’t exactly friends, but they’d gotten to be friendlier over the term, especially when he’d burned a few copies of some of his mom’s lesser known CDs for her. And they both agreed that Double Pop was a cheap rip off and not an homage, no matter how hot Mineta insisted they were.

As the cheers died down, Izumi spoke up.  “I have already told my parents about our passing the exam,” she said. She sounded pretty happy, as far as he could tell.  Izumi was a fairly reserved person, but even he could see the pride in her victories today.  She deserved it, completely.  “They send their congratulations to all of us.  They have also extended an offer to the whole class—and you, Kocho—to join us at our island vacation home before the training camp.”

He knew Izumi’s family was rich.   But all the same, he couldn’t help but blurt out, “You have an island vacation home?”

Kirishima-Bakugo smirked at his surprise.  “They have their own island.”

That did not do anything to take down his surprise.  “Of course,” he said.  Visions of the costs of plane tickets and island prices and everything else immediately tampered down any enthusiasm he would have had for going.  Not all Pro-Heroes were rich, of course, but with the right endorsements and even a modest amount of success, they could be very well off.  That was not his family.  They did well enough, of course, but he wasn’t anywhere near the same ballpark.

Really, between the Iida twins, Izumi, and Mirdoiya alone, the amount of yen in the room was staggering. It did very little to quell his feelings of inadequacy.  But he could see Kocho doing a very good job of concentrating on her drink and a pang of sympathy overrode anything else.

“Of course, since it is the Yaoyorozu private jet and hotel, it is all expenses paid,” Izumi went on.

“As long as we’re back in time for the I-Island Expo,” Midoriya said.  “Dad’s going to be busy, but the Aunt Meslissa and the Togata kids are all going, and I’m going with them.”

“We’re going too!” Sora Iida piped in.  “Mother is presenting several new inventions and Father will be there as well, representing the family.”

Tensei Iida looked over at his boyfriend.  “I will insist upon you being allowed to come,” he told Sero. “It is only fair, since my sister’s boyfriend will be there.”

“Double-date vacation with our Iida squeezes, Midoriya?” Sero said.  “It’s all moving so fast!  We’ll be in-laws before you know it!”

Midoriya turned red at that. “Maybe… maybe not that fast!”

“Toshi,” Sora told him, leaning in, “I think he is joking.”

“Or am I?” Sero laughed, giving himself a double thumbs�� up.  Ojiro reached over and gave him a smack on the shoulder.  “Ow!  Go easy, Kimiko!”

“Stop making Midoriya a nervous wreck!  You’ll ruin my ships!”

“You can’t call it a ship when it’s real people, Kimmie,” Sato said, looking faintly embarrassed at his friends.

“You’re going too, right, Haimawari?” Midoriya asked.

“I, ah, yeah,” Isamu said, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. He still needed to find a suit before that happened.   As the first year winner of the U.A. Sports Festival, he’d gotten an all- expenses paid invitation to the Expo.  It would be the furthest he’d ever been from his home in his life.  Still seemed like way too much attention on him, but Hero-Society really did like to have people it could celebrate, it seemed.  “Hadn’t had too much time to think about it, with the exams and everything.”

“You get a plus one, you know!” Mineta yelled.  “You should totally take Kana!”

Isamu let out a squeak. “We’re really not ready for that!” he said quickly.  “Really!”

“Take me then?” she asked, pouting.  “Shinji’s still grounded and I’ll be so lonely…”

Nope, nope, nope, get away bad thoughts!

“We should be able to return in plenty of time,” Izumi said, answering the question and thankfully ending any conversation with Mineta.  

“Are you sure it’s okay if I come?” Kocho asked.  The tips of her wings flicked about as she talked.  “I mean, I’ll have to ask my parents to begin with, but you all barely know me.”

Boy, did he know that feeling.   It definitely summed up how he’d felt at the start of the term.  But now he had good friends here, and even got along with pretty much everyone else.  He still sometimes felt like an outsider, but with people who’d literally grown up together, that wasn’t completely surprising.  But he definitely no longer felt like an outsider.

“You’re going to be in 1-A,” Midoriya said, smiling.  “That makes you family.”

“Welcome to the crazy house,” Kirishima-Bakugo said.  She made a sweeping gestured.  “I’d say you get used to some of them, but, well…”

***

It’s the next morning, Saturday, and most of the class was out and about, some of the couples spending time with each other, some enjoying a day of much deserved rest after the exams. A few had even gone home already in preparation for the upcoming trip.  They’d had one of the biggest tests of their lives and they’d passed.

So why couldn’t Chihiro bring herself to celebrate?

Maybe because she’d nearly ruined the whole thing.  Not just for herself, but for everyone.  She’d barely passed her other exams.  As much as her mom often told her to “dig down deep and find the genes I gave you,” Chihiro sometimes had to admit… she just wasn’t that smart.  Book learning did not come easily to her.  So she’d poured everything she had into being a Hero.  And with her new costume, she’d actually started finally getting good at that, overcome the limitations of her Quirk and started thinking a little bit smarter there.

And in one fleeting taste of victory, she’d done something stupid and started celebrating.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. One of the first basic rules of Heroing. Never, ever celebrate until the Villain was either unconscious or in a police car.  She’d been so damn sure their combined power had been enough to put Kamuy down.

She’d been wrong.

And everyone had nearly paid for her mistake.  Sure, they said they didn’t blame her.  And she even believed them.  Well, she believed everyone but Kirishima-Bakugo.  She’d never actually said it, just grimaced and nodded along when the others said it.

It didn’t mean she didn’t blame herself.

In retrospect, being alone in the common room with her thoughts probably wasn’t the best thing right now, no matter how much she didn’t want to be around other people.   Of course, if she really didn’t want to be around other people, she would have just stayed in her room. Instead, she was sitting on the couch, strumming on her ukulele.  Maybe, just maybe, a little music would take her mind off of everything.  She hadn’t had as much time to play as she’d like this term, but maybe she could get back to it.

She was definitely bringing it on the trip to Izumi’s island.  Islands practically called for ukuleles.  Also, she just liked the word ukulele.  This one in particular had been a gift from her dad.   It even had a small inscription.  “Just write “I love you, Chihiro.’”

The doors to the outside flew open and in walked someone she really didn’t want to deal with right now:  Shiro Monoma.  If he said one word about anything—never mind how he’d have found out in the first place—she knew she’d throw hands and Cords.  And then she’d probably get in actual trouble.

He had bolted through the doors like he’s gathered up all his courage for an important mission, but now that he was inside, he just looked a little confused.  He even pulled his phone out and checked something on it—probably his text messages.

“Mika’s not here,” she told Monoma flatly.  Mika had said something about how he was having a rough time lately, but honestly, he got on her last nerve often enough that she wasn’t sure she cared.  “Pretty sure Koda’s upstairs though.”

How someone as nice as Koda was put up with the likes of him and Aoyama, she had no idea.

“I, ah, yes, good,” Monoma said, looking both awkward and uncomfortable under her gaze.  She must have stepped up her intimidation game. Maybe she’d actually see how this played out.  “I… heard you all passed the exam?”

Of course.  Why did she think it was anything else?   “Come to gloat?” she snapped, pointing her Cords at him.  Sparks danced along their tips.

He put a hand to his chest, offended.  “Gloat about what?”

“You don’t know?”  She carefully set her ukulele down in its case on the table in front of her and stood up.  She waved her arms through the air as she ranted, her Cords mimicking the gestures.  “You’re not just bullshitting me, so you can insult me?  Mock me?  Mock poor stupid Kaminari who nearly danced her way into failing the exam?”

Crap.  She said too much.

Monoma’s expression softened, though she could also see some kind of comprehension dawning too.  “I assure you,” he said, crossing the room so he was standing across from her, “that I meant to do no such offenses.   It’s not my place to do so anymore anyway.  At least you’re still here.  It sounds like you still deserve your spot.”

Wait, what?    “The hell does that mean?” she demanded.  Dammit, he needed to stop looking like a kicked puppy. It was making it incredibly hard to be mad at him!

“I’m leaving U.A.,” he told her.  Chihiro’s Cords jerked up in surprise.  “I’m… I’m not cut out for this.  My Quirk’s not good enough.  I’m not good enough.  I only stayed long enough to help my class pass the exam.  Which they did.”

Okay, seriously, what the hell.  

“I, ah…” she began, uncertainly.  “They throw real Villains at you too?”

Now it was his turn to be surprised.  “…Your teacher really is insane.”  She didn’t disagree.  “Super-Ball got some of his Pro-Hero friends to play the part.   Dirtbreaker, She-Panther, Silver Stalker, the Human Rocket, and Microwaveabelle.  They’re all fairly minor and low ranked… but they gave us all a pretty good fight.”

“Betcha Shinso could have told you all about them.”   She did genuinely like the little guy.  Their dads were friends, so while they weren’t close, she was certainly more than used to his quirks.

“Yeah,” Monoma agreed. “He probably could have.”   Chihiro recalled that his dad was friends were Shinso’s dad too.  She seemed to remember the two of them had even been closer, once upon a time.

“But you’re quitting?” she asked.  As much as he tried to brag or claim his class was better than theirs, she couldn’t believe it.

“My mind’s made up,” he said, quietly.  “Please don’t try to talk me out of it.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” she said.  “But like I said, Koda’s upstairs if that’s who you’re looking for.”

He hesitated, then looked down at her ukulele.  “I didn’t know you could play,” he said.

She shrugged.  “I’m not nearly as good as mom.  But I do all right.”   She realized he was looking at her expectantly.   The curse of the musician.  As soon as you admitted you could play, people wanted to hear it.

With a sigh, she picked it up and sat down, using her Cords to indicate that he could sit too if he wanted. He took up a spot on the couch opposite her.   She took a moment, then launched into the cords of a positively ancient song and couldn’t help but launch into song, in English.

“I see trees of green and red roses too

I'll watch then bloom just for me and you

And I think to myself

Oh, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue, clouds of white

The brightness of day, the dark, say goodnight

And I think to myself

Oh, what a wonderful world…”

She stopped when she realized he wasn’t just watching her, he was staring.  Hard.

“What?” she asked.  

“I’ve never actually seen anyone play music up close like that,” Monoma said, actually sounding impressed.  “At least, not live.  Video is one thing, but up close and personal… it’s actually rather breathtaking.”

Okay, Monoma was dishing out compliments instead of insulting her intelligence.  This was obviously a Monoma from an alternate universe where he was nice.  “Think you could copy it?” she asked.  “You’d probably make a good musician that way.”

He shook his head.  “I could copy the motions, but I wouldn’t have the heart for it you do.  Or the kind of conditioning in my fingers you have.  I’m honestly really impressed.  You’ve got real talent.”  There was an undercurrent of “and I’m jealous” to it, so she took some pity on him.

“It take some work,” she said.  “But anybody really can learn.  You learn the chords, you put them together, one after the other, they turn into music. Same for every song, just broken apart and put together in different ways and speeds.”

Monoma’s lips were moving, but no sound was coming out, as he seemed to be processing what she’d said. He suddenly bolted from his seat. “That’s it!  Like music! Not like shots from a quiver!”   His eyes were wild and Chihiro slowly and deliberately put her ukulele in its case so she could stand up.

“I’m going to tase you if you don’t start making sense!”

His expression still maniac, Monoma continued. “I could string moves together into a symphony of fighting!  I’ve been treating moves like separate weapons, to be used and discarded!  I can combine them!”

“Uh… good for you?” she tried.  Should she be calling someone here?  Was he having an aneurysm?  She could probably always defibrillate him, but she was pretty sure that wasn’t the right medical procedure.  

His eyes were shining and maniac still, when he focused them on her.  “You’re brilliant, Kaminari!  Thank you!”

In a burst of speed, he was at her side, his arms wrapped around her and holding her tightly against him. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” His lips pressed against her cheek for a moment, a long moment, separating with a wet, smacking sound.

Reality seemed to settle back in.  He stared at her, then bolted towards the door.  “Thankyouagain,Ihavetowithdrawmywithdrawl,Ineedtogonow!”

Chihiro stood there for a moment longer, before she flopped back onto the couch, her legs suddenly weak.   Her fingers touched her cheek where Monoma had kissed her.  “What… what just happened?”

***

Mika had made herself scarce from the 1-A dorms and was hanging out with Anime in hers.  As was expected, her friends’ dorm walls were completely covered in posters from various manga and anime, most of which even the biggest otaku would find obscure.  

Her phone buzzed.   Earlier, she’d sent a message to Shiro, telling him a “mutual acquaintance” was feeling depressed and maybe he could go by and cheer her up.  He was depressed, she was depressed, it was the perfect plan.

She checked her phone.

Cute Ex: So I’m not quitting.   Got a really good idea when I was at your dorm building.  Had a really good conversation.  …I may have kissed her.  Things got happened and I got passionate.

Mika smiled.  That was fast.  Really fast, actually, given the parties involved.  Good for Shiro and good for Akaya.  Her friend needed it.  And Shiro would be way better for her than Aoyama, if he ever figured out that he was clearly crushing on Akaya.

“It worked!” she told Anime.

The animated girl squeed happily.  “I knew it! Just like I Set Up My Best Friends (Because I Could)!”

Cute Ex: I hope this doesn’t make things awkward.

Mika was about to respond that of course it didn’t, this was her plan all along, when she saw more dots indicating Shiro was still typing.

Cute Ex: Because now I might actually ask Kaminari out.  Not just because of the kiss.  But because I discovered she’s actually fascinating.  I know it sounds crazy, but…

She didn’t see the rest of the text, as the phone dropped from her hands.  “Anime, we’ve made a terrible mistake.”

[fromtheringapron]

Scary Wrestling Stuff from My Childhood

Every Halloween season, it’s not uncommon for wrestling fans to reminisce about the moments in our great sport that genuinely scared them, and I’m certainly no exception. At the end of the day, wrestling is still a fantasy world that’s seen plenty of dark, suspenseful, and even at times supernatural bullshit. In fact, one of its biggest stars is The Undertaker, who has been in turns a mortician, a zombie, a Satanic cult leader, a desert biker, and some strange hybrid of all those characters at once.

Truthfully, nothing in wrestling scares me anymore. Well, at least not in kayfabe. Real life still provides a lot of fright in and out of the ring. When I see a wrestler get legitimately injured in the ring, you bet I’m concerned. The depressingly common trend of premature wrestling deaths is a terrifying subject on its own. But when you’re a kid, where even the most ridiculous thing in wrestling can seem real, there’s a lot in kayfabe to be scared about, and you don’t even known what the hell the term “kayfabe” even means.

So, to get in the spirit of the spooky season, I’ll give you a quick rundown of some things that personally scared me shitless watching wrestling as a youngster:

Evil Doink the Clown: Doink is usually associated with everything wrong in WWF’s New Generation era⏤one-dimensional gimmickry, cheesy beyond belief, and worst of all, out of touch. But it’s a reputation that isn’t quite deserved. The original Doink character was that of an evil clown, brilliantly brought to life by Matt Borne. As someone who churned out many rewatches of WrestleMania IX as a child, which features the character at its peak, you better believe I was terrified of this wrestling clown with lime green hair. If evil Doink’s sudden mood swings and aggression weren’t unsettling enough, the entrance music is fucking horrifying to this day. Far scarier than Pennywise and the Joker could ever wish, complete with maniacal clown cackles. Yikes, yikes, yikes. It sounds like the soundtrack to a haunted carnival episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? on Nickelodeon. Given the rise of creepy clowns in recent pop culture, evil Doink would still get over now, and scare a whole new generation of kids to boot.

Kane, Circa ’97/‘98: Hear me out: the video package to Kane and The Undertaker’s clash at WrestleMania XIV is one of the best ever. The music, the footage, and even the random Michael Cole narration all flow together perfectly to create something goosebumpingly epic. But, damn, as kid? This was some terrifying shit. Considering I was too young to stay up and watch every episode of Raw in full, that package was like a highlight reel of pure horror. Kane has become known for taking part in some of the most infamous and illogical storylines in WWE history, but it’s often forgotten how effective a job was done to build him up as a monster upon his debut. Remember when he lit that random dude on fire on Raw? Holy fuck. Not even the Wicked Witch of the West setting fire to The Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz shook me up quite like that. The eyes peeping out of his mask was, to me, the most frightening part of his appearance. Total nightmare fuel. Generations more familiar with bald, mask-less Kane could never quite know the trauma.

Papa Shango’s Sega Genesis Theme Music: Okay, this a fairly obscure one, but my brother and I would play WWF Royal Rumble on Sega Genesis back in the day. The game was complete with cute little 8-bit versions of each wrestler’s entrance themes. The Crush theme, in particular, is a minor masterpiece. The other piece of music that made an impact on me is the version of Papa Shango’s theme. I didn’t have too much footage of Papa Shango in my childhood wrestling VHS collection so he held some mythical status to me. The original theme is creepy enough, but the Genesis version really takes you to an dark, murky swamp where Shango is hexing his latest victim. It scared me so much that I’d speed ahead the character selection screen in the game so I wouldn’t have to hear it. You can scoff at me now all you want, but I must speak my truth.

Zeus and Randy Savage Attack Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake: If you’ve watched Survivor Series 1989, you may remember a segment where Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake about their upcoming match at No Holds Barred. That’s not scary at all, but it’s what happens as the interview unfolds that, for whatever reason, really tore me up when I’d put my copy of this show in the VHS. Sensational Sherri crashes the interview, with the most wild-eyed glared you could imagine, shouting at Hogan and Beefcake in her dark, garish makeup. She then throws handfuls of powder in their eyes, allowing Zeus and Randy Savage to attack them. It’s so hard to describe what’s so scary about this. No Holds Barred, both the movie and the pay-per-view, were pretty notorious failures so it’s not even like it’s remembered as a major angle or anything. If anything, I gotta think it has something to do with the sudden tonal shift from a goofy babyface interview to an all-out assault, which can be pretty striking for any young viewer.

Mick Foley, Hell in the Cell: I don’t really need to say any more, do I? The Hell in the Cell match at King of The Ring 1998 is something that warrants a post of its own, as its undoubtedly one of my favorite matches of all time. But I cannot stress this enough: watching a human being do what Mick Foley does in this match, no matter how pre-planned, is some seriously distressing shit. As an adult, you realize you’re watching this man single-handedly take years off his career. But even in kayfabe, there’s true terror in watching the full extent of Mankind’s threshold reveal itself. The dude literally fucking smiles to the camera as he’s concussed and his mouth bloodied into steak tartar. If that image alone doesn’t stay with you, I don’t know what will. Mick Foley turns this match into a mini horror movie. Years before people tuned in droves to watch Saw and Hostel, they watched Mick Foley torture himself. In the match’s most chilling moments, he turns Mankind into a character like Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees⏤just when you think he’s been completely broken in half, he’s up and ready for more.

Early Undertaker: I can’t possibly go on without mentioning The Undertaker. When you really think about it, some of things I’ve mentioned already wouldn’t have been possible without him. It seems a little cliche to even bring him up for a topic like this, but he’s the OG of cheesy wrestling horror. Plus, it needs to be said: The Undertaker, in first couple years of his WWF career, could easily scare kids. It definitely scared the kids who grew up watching that version of the character, at least. I watched Survivor Series 1990 countless times growing up so, as you could imagine, I was one of the fortunate/unfortunate children. One of the more brilliant touches of The Undertaker’s early character, outside of the creepy glare and slow approach, was the various shots of mortified children in the crowd. It seems like a minor detail, but it went a long way in establishing him as a genuine monster. Not to mention, there were things the Undertaker did during that era that, even by the family-friendly standards of early ‘90s WWF, were pretty messed-up. How about that time he locked The Ultimate Warrior in a coffin? Or when he worked with Jake Roberts to terrorize Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth? Make no mistake, those first few years were critical in letting us know for whom the bell tolls.

And that about does it for my own personal horrors. Maybe you think mine are silly, but what about wrestling scared you growing up? Does it still scare you? Does it still give you nightmares? As you ponder, I’ll be looking over my shoulder, hoping I’m not attacked by Zeus.

[rockrevoltmagazine]

IBOTW: The Lonely Ones

The Lonely Ones

Formed in the summer of 2019, The Lonely Ones are just waiting to pump your ears full four piece vocal-oriented hard rock band. These guys are no strangers to the music industry. The Lonely Ones know what they want and know how to get it. Satiate your inner stirrings with this interview by Jymmy Tolland and gorge your ears on their first singles “Eternal Sadness” and “The Lonely One” debuted in March of 2020. We are giddy beyond belief to have them as our very own INDIE BAND OF THE WEEK!

How do you rate your live performance ability?

I think that live performances of the thing that I’m best at. What other scenario can I be in where it’s appropriate for me to grab my dick at people, or flex on top of an amp? I’ve got no desire to stare at my hands, be still and play perfect. I’d rather act like a wrestler up there than a scientist.

Do you think that online presence is important for fans and critics to find your music to write about?

Yeah! Of course. If this were 1985 or 1969, I’d be limited to how many posters I could print off at Kinko’s and how many open telephone Poles I could staple ’em to! In this day and age, however, it’s just as easy for me to get my music to somebody in a different country as it is to get to my neighbor down the street. It really is kind of a Golden Age for promotion. Maybe that over-saturates the waters – maybe it doesn’t.

What’s your claim to fame?

I don’t know if that’s for me to say! The first thing that comes to mind, though, is that I was on Stormy Daniels’ bus when she was framed in Columbus, Ohio. It was a pretty fun laid back night with some friends until lo and behold I found myself locked up on her bus with the police outside saying that everybody was going to go to jail.

Well, I wouldn’t call that claim to fame, but it is something! What is your biggest pet peeve?

My biggest pet peeve is people who – when you tell them what you want to do or what your goals are – their 1st question is “why?” or they like to tell you why you shouldn’t do something. Kevin Smith once said that it’s much better to surround yourself by people that say “why not?”

The best thing you can do as an artist, or anybody I suppose, is to surround yourself with people who, at worst, cheer you on or, at best, find some way to help you. Anybody who asks you why you want to do something or tells you why you shouldn’t do it is not somebody you want around you.

Fair enough! How do you handle mistakes during your live show?

The best way to handle a mistake during the live shows to pretend like it never happened. Never let on that anything’s gone wrong. Rock and roll is all about confidence, swagger, bravado etc. Don’t look like you saw a mouse on the floor because you played a wrong note.

When and why did you start playing music?

I think I started playing music for the same reason that most young boys do. You’re trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be and you’re struck by somebody with long hair and a guitar and surrounded by chicks. That can definitely be a defining moment for a 15-year-old.

Besides the chicks, were you influenced by old records and tapes?

I grew up in that weird in between era where it was before record players were cool and vintage, but after they were the norm. I think it’s called the late “90s”. I have a distinct memory, though, of my dad picking me up from preschool in his ugly white and red Dodge truck with Aerosmith’s 1st album or GNR’S Appetite for Destruction playing way too loud. What he finally sold that truck and bought something with a CD player he gave me all of those old tapes. I used to hide cigarettes and joints in the Aerosmith cassette case. Sorry Dad!

Dad! Your son was a rebel! What was the first tune you learned?

I can’t really remember. It might have been “Smoke on the Water” or maybe “Train Kept a Rollin” by Aerosmith or maybe “TNT” by AC/DC. Not that I really “learned” any of them well.

Describe your first instrument.

My parents finally caved and bought me and Ibanez GIO that vaguely looked like a double cut Les Paul when I was about 11. I wasn’t smart and mature enough to apply myself to practice so it set by the wayside til I was 15. The 1st instrument that I really got into was trombone in middle school. I think I wanted to play drums but there were already too many kids who had gone to the schools with band programs and already had experience. So, I went with the instrument that had the funniest name. There’s nothing funnier for an 11-year-old and being allowed to say the word “Tromboner.”

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IBOTW: The Lonely Ones was originally published on RockRevolt Mag

[ariyadaivaris]

itsmebreadclub replied to your photo “let me tell all of you a little horror story!” PLEASE!!! GO AHEAD!!!...”

Did you feel like the first few lines of this were a direct callout @ WWE for their treatment of the cruiserweights???? Bc i was like 'wait where is this going is he going off book here??' even though i know wwe wouldn't keep it in the archived version. but the first part of the horror story just sounded like him venting about how underappreciated the cruiserweights are.

OOOOOOH...i feel like that COULD be something. ariya’s dealt with critics of 205 before, but he, like...most employees of wwe, hasn’t ever had the chance to call out the company for how shittily it treats most of its talent. and UHHH ESPECIALLY NOT FOR HOW IT TREATS THE CRUISERWEIGHT DIVISION. i think ariya kind of flirted with the idea of that callout, at least. he acknowledged the division almost disappearing, but he’s still not able to talk about Why the division almost disappeared. 

and i mean, that’s something that’s only ever been addressed by enzo as a heel before. but while people will acknowledge 205 rarely gets eyes on it, no one in-universe can talk about Why. and it’s no fault of 205. it’s no fault of the cruiserweight division. 205′s done things wrong and it has issues but it’s CERTAINLY gotten better at solving problems than anything else in wwe. it’s improving and it’s miles above anything else wwe is putting out, imho (not that...i havent made that obnoxiously clear lmao), 205 is really good. everyone ive met who’s WATCHED it agrees its fucken good. 

the issue is wwe itself. wwe doesn’t make an effort to get people engaged with the cruiserweight division. it hasn’t showcased 205 the way it deserves, it treats the division as an afterthought, for the most part. 205 is in a weird position, where the cruiserweights have segments on raw, which is pretty readily accessible, but the meat of the division is showcased on 205, which is a network (and hulu) exclusive. if you don’t watch 205 already, you’re probably not going to understand the point to raw’s cruiserweight matches, or why these people are fighting, and wwe doesn’t wanna explain it to you! 

it’s gotten better at this, i think, and god the cruiserweight division keeps getting fucked over but they HAVE gotten more eyes on them lately. but the failing of 205 has nothing to do with the product, and EVERYTHING to do with wwe. and wwe hates admitting it does things wrong. even when kayfabe is, on the level of the company, Mostly Dead, wwe won’t own up when it fucks up and it’s actively spiteful towards people who are upset with things. they took #GiveEmmaAChance, a fan hashtag that took DIRECT INSPIRATION from the #GiveDivasAChance hashtag that kickstarted the so-called women’s revolution that wwe loves to pat itself on the back for, and they turned it into a pathetic laughable mocking heel character trait, wrung emma out, and threw her away. raw might be handling its womens division better now, and just this monday, i think they did, but at what cost? 

there are other examples, like the horrible shitty racist everything of smackdown, like sami’s heel turn where he’s villainized for being justifiably upset that “the land of opportunity” gave more opportunities to its own commissioner than to the talent it was meant to push (among other reasons for turning heel but this one gets glossed over a lot), like, wwe is not good at taking criticism. but that’s not the point i wanted to talk about, the point is, This Thing Can Be Fixed, But At What Cost? like emma being sacrificed for a HOPE that might not even actually EXIST for the women’s division, in adding enzo to 205, wwe changed things. yeah, there are more eyes on 205. but enzo is NOT 205. enzo is the worst of the fucking worst. nothing that makes 205 good is present in enzo, and he’s only made things more stressful and weirder and WORSE, on top of being a shitty wrestler, a capitalist running dog, and an awful person who cheats on his girlfriend, makes police brutality jokes, and gets opportunities dished out to him just because. 

there might be more eyes on 205. but like. is it worth it? enzo cut the line ahead of an entire division that ACTUALLY deserved it. and chances are he’s going to stay on top for a longer time than he deserves, because wwe refuses to understand what made 205 good. enzo’s presented as the heel for only caring about star power and attention, but wwe is literally coming here with that exact same mindset. wwe is so so bad at self awareness and its exhausting and its tiring and calling it out only leads to the mcmahons singing and stuffing their fingers in their ears. 

did ariya get to call wwe out about their treatment of the cruiserweights? he might have. but there is so SO much to call out and no one is allowed to do almost ANYTHING about it if they want to keep their job, if they wanna be booked well, if they want anything. ariya can point out that 205 is cursed, but he can’t say the curse was laid there by wwe itself. could he get farther with it over time? i wanna hope so. but like...we’ve got a long way to go, yknow? 

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior’s Top 25 of 2019

This was such a good year for movies. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The amount of good or great movies and the amount of variety among the better movies made it hard to know where to cut off my annual top 25 and to which movies to give “Honorable Mentions” instead. As has always been the case, I make an effort to see the better movies two or sometimes even three times before deciding where they place, and that was the case with most of the movies below.

There have been quite a few years where I haven’t rewarded a single movie a 10 out of 10, and this year, there are FOUR! Even so, 2019 will forever be known as the year I started to appreciate and even love the music of Elton John and George Michael, although only one of those movies made my list.  Just a reminder that this is a list of my favorite movies of the year and it’s based solely on my own opinion. If you don’t like one of the movies on my list that’s fine – it’s your prerogative – but if there’s something you may have missed and you check it out based on inclusion here and you like it, then please let me know!

Also, if you just want to peruse everything that I wrote this year, you can find all of it at my Weekend Warrior Blog.

25. Wild Rose (NEON)

I’d be remiss if I ignored this wonderful film directed by Tom Harper that premiered at the Toronto Film Festival in 2018 but finally was released this year. It stars Jessie Buckley as a Glaswegian country singer, a single mother freshly released from prison who just can’t get her act together, even though she is a terrific singer with a real passion for country music.  Buckley is such a revelation in the role, and I just loved the songs written for the movie, and I’m not even remotely a fan of country music. (So I guess that’s a third type of music I began to appreciate this year.)

24. Fighting with my Family (U.A. Releasing)

Another terrific and nearly forgotten film this year was this wrestling biopic about WWE superstar Paige, as played by Florence Pugh (she’s gotta be this year’s actor of the year, right?). Written and directed by Stephen Merchant and co-produced by Dwayne Johnson, Paige’s story really is pretty fantastic, as you follow her trying to make her way in the WWE where she’s nothing like the other women wrestlers. The movie was warm and funny and not at all what you’d expect from a WWE Films movie, but it’s definitely the studio’s finest work to date.

MY REVIEW

23. Plus One (RLJE Films)

One of the nicer surprises out of Tribeca this year was this twist on the rom-com by filmmakers Jeff Chan and Andrew Rhymer, starring Jack Quaid and Maya Erskine as two best friends who decide to attend all their weddings together to act as wingmen to help each other hook up. It’s a plan that works out well at first but starts to falter once they realize they might have feelings for each other. It’s classic rom-com territory but the movie is hilarious (Erskine is an absolute gem!) and you’re on board even when it goes to somewhat predicable places. (Some of the wedding speeches given by Jon Bass, Beck Bennett are particularly funny.) This is a movie that I’m bummed I haven’t had a chance to see a second or third time, as I’m sure it might be higher up on my year end list if I had.

22. Spider-Man: Far from Home (Sony)

You can’t argue when the fans are right but when Kevin Feige and Marvel Studios came on board to produce Spider-Man: Homecoming, it actually was pretty good and you had to have confidence they could make a sequel just as good or better. There was a lot to love about this one including the decision to take Spider-Man out of New York, which makes sense when you realize all the space-faring he’d been doing in Infinity War and Endgame. Then there was Jake Gyllenhaal as “Mysterio,” a fun and twisty take on the classic Spider-Man villain that also allowed director Jon Watts to play with some of the ideas introduced in Avengers: Endgame, while also giving Samuel Jackson’s Nick Fury more to do than he has in many movies. I can’t wait to see what Tom Holland’s Spider-Man gets up to next!

MY REVIEW

21. One Cut of the Dead (Shudder)

The Japanese META zombie movie that’s been winding its way through the genre festival circuit for most of the past year, it’s an amazing bit of mind-fuckery where you think it’s merely about a zombie attack on a low budget movie but as we learn after the first 30 minutes, there’s a lot more going on than what seems… and that’s about all I can say, because it’s the kind of movie that’s more amazing when you go in not knowing what’s happening. And yet, you probably should know that there’s a lot more going on since the first 30 minutes on their own aren’t very good.

20. The Irishman (Netflix)

Don’t get me wrong. I really liked and appreciated Martin Scorsese’s reunion with De Niro and Pesci, as well as their pairing with Al Pacino to tell the story of the man responsible for the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, but just not as much as other movies. Granted, Scorsese continues to be one of the best filmmakers working today but it did feel like he and De Niro were returning to familiar and popular territory to try to claim back their cinematic throne. I guess it worked, because The Irishman is a great film, and heck, I’d watch it a thousand more times on Netflix if I didn’t have other things to watch.

MY REVIEW

19. Little Women (Sony)

I just wrote about Greta Gerwig’s adaptation of Louisa May Alcott last week, and I’m probably more surprised by most about how how much I loved this movie, maybe even more than Lady Bird. Those performances by Saoirse Ronan, Florence Pugh and Timothée Chalamet just makes this film so wonderful at times and heartbreaking at others. It’s always been a great story but Gerwig found an original way into it that made it a wonderful follow-up to Lady Bird.

18. Sword of Trust (IFC Films)

I’ve been a Lynn Shelton stan for a number of years now, mostly from Your Sister’s Sister, but I generally like much of her work, whether it’s all improvised like that one and Humpday, or scripted like her pairing with Jay Duplass for Outside In. This one was really special, as it paired her with her Glow star Marc Maron and a trio of really great actors to bounce off of, including Jillian Bell and Michaela Watkins (from the almost equally great Brittany Runs a Marathon), as well as Jon Bass. The interaction and improvisation between these four actors as they deal with a sword from the Civil War with a controversial past makes this one of Shelton’s more entertaining movies, deserving of its placement in my year-end list.

Thoughts from My Column

17. Good Boys (Universal)

You’ll notice that I have quite a few comedies on my Top 25 this year, and that shouldn’t be a surprise for anyone who has read my reviews over the years. I love comedies and I love to laugh, and this high concept comedy about three 6thgraders, one of them played by Jacob Tremblay, just cracked me up so much. No surprise that it’s from the mega-comedy-kings Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, who produced this movie from the team of Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg, who are best known for “The Office” and a number of not-so-great comedy hits like Bad Teacher. Like Booksmart (see below), this one involved a fairly simple all-in-day quest by the three main characters but it led to some absolutely hilarious situations. Totally reminded me of myself when I was their age. Can’t wait to see what Brady Noon and Keith L. Williams get up to next as they’re amazing.

16. Late Night (Amazon)

While Mindy Kaling’s feature film might have come out of the whole SJW virtue signaling movements that surfaced post-Trump, her movie loosely, based on her own experiences working on the staff at a late night show, was a beautifully insightful look into the business. It starred Emma Thompson as veteran late night host Katherine Newbury, who is forced into diversifying her writing crew by hiring the less-than-experienced Molly (Kaling’s character). Over the next few months, Molly tries to make her way through the ins and outs of writing for late night, dealing with sexism and even some racism, even from Newbury.  Unlike the recent Bombshell, this is a comedy and both Kaling and Thompson were both terrific, to the point that it was a bummer that Amazon decided not to give this any sort of awards push by sending out screeners with some of their other movies.

MY REVIEW

15. Peterloo (Amazon)

While I’ve been a fan of filmmaker Mike Leigh almost as long as I’ve been writing about movies, I always seem to be in the minority when I’m not as into some of the movies my fellow critics love (like Mr. Turner), but this amazing movie about the political climate of England in the 16thCentury and the violence spurred on by a peaceful protest is an amazing bit of writing/directing by the British master. This is another movie that I wish got a lot more attention because the writing and cast were so good, and it just seemed to come and go without much fanfare. A real shame.

MY REVIEW

14. Once Upon a Time … in Hollywood (Sony)

I probably won’t have too much to add about Tarantino’s movie beyond my earlier review, but this is a movie that I liked quite a bit the first time and even more the second time I saw it.  It’s just a fun portrait of Hollywood in 1969 through the eyes of a filmmaker who was six years old at the time. The performances by Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt and Margot Robbie drove this film about what it was like trying to make a living as an actor in the climate of the late ‘60s with peace and love… and brutal murder in the form of the Manson Family. And yet, Tarantino found a way to give the Sharon Tate story a happy ending. Go figure.

MY REVIEW

13. Pain and Glory (Sony Pictures Classics)

Pedro Amodovar has been a bit hit or miss in recent years, so seeing him reunite with his regulars Antonio Banderas and Penelope Cruz to write his best (and possibly most personal?) screenplay to date made Pain and Gloryone of the year’s nice surprises. Despite doing a lot of questionable movies in recent years, Banderas once again proved his worth as an actor, giving a performance as a has-been director that hopefully will get him his very first Oscar nomination.

12. First Love (Go West USA)

Another filmmaker whose work I’ve loved but who has also made some real dogs is Japan’s Takashi Miike. His latest take on the crime genre ended up being one of his best movies in twenty years. It may even be better than Audition, which celebrated its 20thanniversary this year. It’s a simple story of a young Japanese boxer who encounters a young woman who has been sold into sex slavery, but in helping her to escape, they get caught up in a gang war that includes some of the craziest characters to ever appear in a Miike movie. But as the title says, this is a love story more than anything, and that helped Miike prove that he has not gone soft, but still knows what it means to be human.

11. The Two Popes (Netflix)

I just wrote about this dramatic two-hander, written by Anthony McCarten and directed by Fernando Meirelles (City of God), last week, after putting it off for far too long. (It’s hard to get inspired to write reviews of movies when you’re not being paid to do so, let me tell you.) It’s an amazing film about the relationship between Popes Benedict and Francis, as played by Anthony Hopkins and Jonathan Pryce. While you wonder how McCarten researched a movie between two very private public figures, neither of whom have written about this meeting, this is another great film from Netflix this year that’s proving that the studio is not going away and it’s going to produce quality films as great as the big boys.

10. Avengers: Endgame (Marvel Studios)

It shouldn’t be too big a surprise that a Marvel movie has made my top 10, as there have been others, like last year’s Ant Man and the Wasp, Iron Man, Thor, Guardians of the Galaxy. Oddly, only one of the three Russo Brothers movies made my list – Captain America: The Winter Soldier – but with Avengers: Endgame, they managed to create a culmination of everything that’s come before but also made a Marvel movie that is the most like the Avengers comics I love, even to the point of having various members going off on their own missions. I’ve seen this movie three or four times now, and I still love some of the big moments like Captain America stating, “Avengers Assemble!” (finally) and this more than made up for Infinity War, which was good but not great.

9. Waves (A24)

A rather late addition to my year’s best is the new movie from Trey Edward Schutts, which delivered another amazing performance by Kelvin Harrison, Jr, who was also fantastic as the little-seen drama, Luce. The energy Schutts gives the movie with the use of music is fantastic, but it’s just an interesting character portrait that halfway through, throws you for a major loop before switching gears to follow the characters played by Lucas Hedges and the equally talented Taylor Russell. And then on top of that, you have Sterling K. Brown giving a moving performance as Harrison and Russell’s characters, who just doesn’t know how to deal with what’s going on with his family. There have been some great teen coming-of-age dramas over the years but Waves is one for the ages.

8. Book Smart (UA Releasing)

Olivia Wilde’s directorial debut has been compared both favorably (and sometimes unfavorably) to a female Superbad, but I think a better comparison would be a modern-day Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Like Good Boys, it was a single night movie where two best friends (Beanie Feldstein, Kaitly Dever) decide to spend their last night in high school rebelling against their overly studios nature by going out to a party and have fun. What happens to them and the crazy characters they interact with makes this one of the funniest movies of the year. What was really amazing, besides the entire cast, was that I could watch this movie and see stuff that would have happened in my own high school days (which was more in the Ridgemont High days), and to see that high school just doesn’t change despite the technology and all the different standards and morals that come along.  Wilde is one filmmaker who I can’t wait to see what she does next and same for her entire cast. I’ve been saying since seeing this that I’d love to see Wilde do another movie with the exact same cast, all of them playing different characters, as I think we’ll see that these actors can do anything.

7. Yesterday (Universal)

Here’s a surprise for you all, but again, if you realize how many Danny Boyle movies have been in my top 10 over the years, you’ll know what a big fan I am of the Oscar-winning filmmaker. Teaming him with Richard Curtis for a high concept comedy where the world has forgotten the Beatles’ music and a young busker named Jack (Himesh Patel) who remembers them starts to make a career for himself by claiming the music as his own. I loved the lead, but it was especially his friendship/romance with Lily James’ Ellie Appleton that made me love this movie enough to put it in my top 10.

6. Marriage Story (Netflix)

While I really appreciated Noah Baumbach’s latest movie quite a bit when I first saw it at the New York Film Festival back in September, it was my rewatch on Netflix more recently that really made me appreciate what Baumbach has accomplished after nearly twenty years making movies. Granted, the movie might be seen as a bit of a downer, but you know what? Sometimes, I have to even out all the laughs and humor with something more serious.  Having a friend who went through a (far less litigious) divorce with a small child, I couldn’t help but thinking how much worse it could have been. As much as this was about Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson’s characters and the change in their relationship, it was a good lesson in how ugly things can get when lawyers get involved with Baumbach having a powerful trio in Laura Dern, Ray Liotta and the wonderful Alan Alda in those roles. This created a beautiful bookend to Baumbach’s earlier film The Squid and The Whale, based on his parents’ divorce, but this didn’t seem autobiographical as much as it showed the work of a mature filmmaker who has created his most personal and best work.

5. Knives Out (Lionsgate)

Speaking of dysfunctional family relationships, Rian Johnson’s look at the death of a wealthy mystery author’s (played by Christopher Plummer) and how his greedy family might be responsible, as investigated by Daniel Craig’s “gentleman detective” Benoit Blanc and the author’s maid, played by Ana de Armas. Besides putting a clever a spin on the ensemble whodunnit typified by the work of Agatha Christie and others, the movie was insanely funny thanks to the cast assembled by Johnson, which was literally an all-star team doing some of their funniest work. Really, there wasn’t a weak link in delivering Johnson’s best screenplay to date, and I look forward to seeing if we’ll get another movie in this realm. As with most of the movies in my Top 10, this is a movie I could see repeatedly and get more out of each time.

MY REVIEW

4. Rocketman  (Paramount)

And here it is, the Elton John movie that made me a fan of Elton John’s music after nearly 40 years of mostly shunning it. What director Dexter Fletcher and star Taron Egerton did in telling John’s story though his music, essentially creating an original jukebox musical on screen was the perfect way to frame the music and story. A lot of people compared this to last year’s Bohemian Rhapsody– which I also liked, mind you – but however much work Fletcher did to finish that movie after Bryan Singer’s firing, this was clearly something he had a clear vision of from beginning to end. This is one of the few movies I’ve seen this year three times, and I’ve been going down the Elton John rabbit hole of music ever since.

MY REVIEW

3. Ford v Ferrari (20thCentury Fox)

When I reviewed James Mangold’s Le Mans racing movie, starring Christian Bale and Matt Damon, back in October, I gave it a 9.5/10, and then I saw it again in IMAX and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I took off half a point. The movie is just about perfect.  This is such a great story and the way the action is framed by the relationship between the former’s Ken Miles and the latter’s Carol Shellby with all the other players in the mix just made the movie one that was extremely watchable. And boy, those racing scenes! I haven’t seen action that exciting in years and that includes some of the best recent action movies, including Baby Driver and some of the “Fast and Furious” movies.

MY REVIEW

2. 1917 (Universal)

This was almost my #1 because it’s such a masterful achievement in all aspects of filmmaking that it also earned a rare 10 out of 10. Granted, I’ve been a Sam Mendes fan for many, many years, and he probably has had a few movies in my top 25 over the years, most notably with his second film, The Road to Perdition, which was actually my #1 movie that year. I’ve generally followed Mendes’ career with interest with only one or two movies just not working for me, but with just eight movies in 20 years, it’s amazing that it took that long for Mendes to be back in the Oscar conversation after winning for American Beauty. Frankly, I think this is unequivocally one of the best movies of the year between the screenplay, co-written with Kristy Wilson-Cairns, and the performances by George MacKay and Dean-Charles Chapman, making it a movie that’s a wonder to marvel at how they achieved such a powerful cinematic experience to behold.

MY REVIEW

1b. The Biggest Little Farm  (NEON)

As with every year, I like to pick one documentary as my favorite and best of the year, but instead of deciding where it fares among the narrative features, I just make it a tie for #1. My favorite doc of the year was John Chester’s movie about show he and his wife Molly decided to move out to a farm and try to get it work fiscally despite tons of issues, some they could control, others they couldn’t. While I also liked Apollo 11, and I’m sure that will win the Oscar, the way Chester told this story was done in such a wonderful way that it was far more enjoyable and entertaining than most docs. (And as you know, I do LOVE docs!)

1a. The Farewell (A24)

This should come as no surprise to anyone who has followed me on Twitter, where Lulu Wang’s China-set dramedy has been my profile picture almost since I first saw it in June – I’ve seen it three more times since then, each then having the same emotional reaction. Based on a story from Wang’s own life, it stars Awkwafina as Billi a poor starving New York artist who travels to China when she learns her Nana (the terrific Chinese veteran actor Shuzhen Zhao) was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Her family has decided not to tell Nana that she may be dying, but they all return to Mainland China under the guise of a wedding for Billi’s cousin, but she knows the truth and has to skirt around while trying to spend possibly her last time with her beloved Nana. The movie was emotional but also quite amusing and entertaining, really showing what life in China is like in a way that was far more personal and human than last year’s Crazy Rich Asians i.e. that was more fantasy than this movie’s reality.

Some More Thoughts

Honorable Mentions: Motherless Brooklyn, Les Miserables, Honey Boy, Long Shot, Toy Story 4, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (As I said above, it was tough to leave a couple of these out of my top 25.)

Top 12 Docs

Not going to write too much about all of these but this was a pretty fantastic year for docs, and if you have a chance to watch any of the below, I would jump on it, especially since some of them barely got a theatrical release.

1. The Biggest Little Farm

2. Apollo 11

3. The Cave

4. WRESTLE

5. Linda Ronstadt: The Sound of My Voice

6. Marianne and Leonard: Words of Love

7. Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am

8. 63 Up

9. Agnès on Varda

10. One Child Nation

11. Be Natural: The Untold Story of Alice Guy

12. Love, Antosha

I used to do a TERRIBLE 25 as a separate thing, but this year, I’m just going to list six movies, although a few of these I saw so long ago, I barely remember why they sucked so bad.

In fact, Jeffrey Nachmanoff’s REPLICAS was one of the first movies released in 2019 picked up by Entertainment Studios from TIFF the year before. It’s funny how much love Keanu Reeves got this year for John Wick: Chapter Three and other stuff, but everyone seemed to completely forget that he started the year with this stupid high concept sci-fi thriller about a man obsessed with bringing his family back from the dead.

Also, not many people saw Joe Chappelle’s AN ACCEPTABLE LOSS, which opened just a week after Replicas, but it was a political thriller starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Tika Sumpter that was so poorly written and so boring that I felt bad for Sumpter, who was giving her all.

I probably have said as much as much about Tom Hooper’s CATS as I plan to – you can read my review over at The Beat– but it’s also the most recent of this year’s bad movies, so it’s the freshest on my mind on how awful it was. I’m not going to pile on any further.

It’s been a while since I saw Tim Story’s SHAFT sequel/reboot, and as excited I was to see Samuel L. Jackson and Richard Roundtree back in the role, it’s Jessie T. Usher’s presence as John Shaft, Jr, meant to be the main running gag of the action-comedy that made it one of the worst movies of the year.

Another remake that really didn’t need to happen was this Neil Marshall remake of HELLBOY, and sure, maybe I was a bit biased, having loved Guillermo del Toro’s movies, particularly Hellboy: The Golden Army, but this just wasn’t a good movie as hard as it seemed to try. (You can read my review of that here.)

And yet, that wasn’t even the worst movie of the year. No, that would be Rob Zombie’s 3 FROM HELL, a movie so abhorrible that I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I called it the “worst movie of the year” back in September, and that sentiment didn’t change.

Before we wrap things up, here are some of my favorite records of the year. You may have heard of a few of them. Maybe not others? Most of them should be on Spotify.

1. Smiley’s Friends - In the Sixth Sense

2. Kevin So - S.O.U.L.

3. Pixies - Beyond the Eire

4. The Alarm - Sigma

5. Silversun Pickups - Widow’s Weeds

Best concert of the year? Easy one. Dave Mason’s Saucerful of Secrets with my buddy Jonathan Baylis when former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters shows up to perform one of the classic Pink Floyd songs! Possibly one of the best concert moments of the last couple decades!

That’s it for 2019... onto 2020!

[moorefitness]

Should I Cut or Bulk? — The Definitive Guide

Ahh, the eternal question. But before I answer it, let me point out that yes, I used the word bulk, because that’s probably what you Googled. But actually, “bulk” should be removed from your vocabulary. The term implies rapid weight gain likely to put on unnecessary body fat, leaving you frustrated and forcing you to cut your gaining phase short. Thus, from here on out, I’ll use the terminology “gaining”.

However, before considering rates of weight gain (or loss for that matter), you might be thinking, “Hold on, I don’t know if I should be trying to gain muscle or lose fat in the first place!” In this, you are not alone. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, “Should I bulk or cut?”…well, let’s just say I’d need an additional room in my home just for piggy banks.

The answer to this question depends on more than just your current body composition. It’s not quite as simple as saying: cut if you are high in body fat, gain if you are not. There is also an interaction with training experience.

Advice for Obese Individuals

I wouldn’t advise someone with obesity who is just starting a weight training program to purposely start tracking and weighing to achieve a targeted amount of energy restriction (although there is nothing wrong with simply adopting healthier eating habits such as consuming more fruits, vegetables, protein, and water). Just becoming more active alone can give someone who was previously sedentary more finely tuned hunger signals 1, and body-fat percentage will go down even if muscle is gained without fat mass losses. Also, metabolic health will improve purely from resistance training without dieting. In this case, I’d only advise you to institute a caloric deficit once the initial “magic” of newbie gains end, and if at that point you still had a goal of lowering your body fat (which as I said, may happen anyway just from lifting regularly).

Those Who Are ‘Skinny Fat’

In the case of someone who is generally not very muscular, but is also higher in body fat than average (often referred to as “skinny fat”; I’m not a fan of the term, but it hopefully helps you understand what I’m referring to), I also don’t recommend cutting. However, I also don’t really recommend gaining at the rates I recommend later in this chapter for novices either.

In this case, once again, just let the magic of partaking in serious progressive resistance exercise (for specifics, check out our Muscle and Strength Training book—sample programs also free on this site here) do its thing for 6 months, without focusing on instituting a significant deficit or surplus. With a low starting level of muscle mass, you’re ripe for putting on muscle regardless of your nutrition (outside of it being totally off base). After letting this initial phase occur, you will probably have a much better foundation to work from.

When the Cut or Bulk Decision Is Clearer

The times the answer to this question are cut and dry, is when you aren’t a novice. If you have a few years under your belt of training, and you fit into the “intermediate” or “advanced” categories (defined later in this chapter of the book), gaining or cutting does pretty much just come down to your body fat level.

However, the answer to this question is also not as critically important as you might believe. There is a common notion that if you aren’t reasonably lean, efforts at gaining will produce a disproportionate amount of fat and little in the way of muscle. This concept is called your ‘P-ratio’, which is simply defined as the proportion of fat to muscle you put on when gaining weight. Indeed, there is research showing that very lean people—who are naturally lean, not who dieted—gain more lean body mass during periods of overfeeding, and people with obesity gain more body fat during periods of overfeeding 2.

However, what two things that are frequently misunderstood are: 1) putting on more lean body mass when overfeeding occurs in naturally lean people who walk around lean. If you dieted to get really lean, your body if anything, is actually a bit more primed for fat storage. Also; 2) that this relationship is based on observations of individuals who aren’t resistance training.

If you start lifting weights this drastically changes the game. Nutrient partitioning in your now highly active skeletal muscle is much more favorable for muscle gain as you are providing a stimulus for growth and regularly depleting your muscle of energy and pushing them to become energy efficient and adapt.

If it was true that individuals with a high body fat couldn’t gain muscle mass effectively, sumo wrestlers wouldn’t have the highest recorded lean body masses of any athlete…but they do 3. Likewise, super heavyweight powerlifters would be weaker than weight classes below them, but they aren’t.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a license to go on a dreamer permabulk! But rather, I’m saying don’t be the guy who is afraid to enter a surplus because they aren’t 8% body fat (or the gal who is afraid because they aren’t 16%).

The Difference in Body Fat for Men and Women

Men and women have different ‘essential body fat’ levels—the body fat essential to life and physiological function (largely not subcutaneous body fat). Meaning, even in shredded, stage condition, a female competitor will be at a higher body-fat percentage than a male. While individual differences do come into play, on average this value is around 2-4% for men and 8-12% for women. Thus, I often present examples of bodybuilding contest condition in this text as around 4% body fat for men, and 12% body fat for women (actually, measuring body fat accurately is another story, which we’ll cover in the Making Adjustments and Measuring Progress section). Likewise, when I present body fat examples of men and women they will be ~8% apart and should be seen as equivalent.

Limits to How Much Body Fat You Should Gain

There probably should be some limit to how high your body fat is before you decide it would be better to cut versus bulk, but it’s for logistical reasons, not “anabolic resistance”.

Essentially, you don’t want to only get a month or two out of your gaining phase before you have to diet. If you are a powerlifter you don’t want to be too far above your weight class, and for bodybuilders, you don’t want to be too far off your stage weight. In either case, the inevitable diet to come will be unnecessarily hard or long if you are.

Likewise, for recreational lifters, you probably don’t want to be so high in body fat at the start of a gaining phase that you aren’t happy with your body shortly after starting it. Essentially, in each case, you want enough of a runway to be able to spend at least a few months in a surplus.

My rough guidelines are a maximum of ~15% body fat for men and ~23% body fat for women for beginning a gaining phase. After starting, allow your body fat to climb ~3–5% in the course of a gaining phase before you do a brief ‘mini cut’ (I’ll bring this concept up throughout the text, but for a full description see the end of The Recovery Diet section) to clean things up a tad before you rinse and repeat.

But remember, this is The Muscle and Strength Pyramid, not the constantly-cutting-to-be-aesthetic (but not actually succeeding) pyramid. A general recommendation (for those who aren’t starting with a high body fat level) is to have a minimum of a 4:1 ratio of the time spent in a gaining phase vs a cutting phase. Thus, if you spent four months in a surplus putting on muscle, you earned yourself no more than one month to do a mini cut.

Now, the tough part is actually assessing your body fat level (see the ‘Making Adjustments and Measuring Progress’ section of the book—also covered on this site here, here, and here). Everyone stores body fat differently. Also, having more or less muscle mass can make a given body fat level look better or worse. So in the end, just make your best guess as to whether you are below or above the cut-off. If you are somewhere in the range where either a cutting or gaining phase could be appropriate and you can’t tell where you fall and what you should do, don’t worry, it doesn’t matter which you choose to do. You hopefully realized that though, now that you are no longer under the false impression that your gaining phase will be sabotaged if you don’t start it lean enough.

I’ve recorded a quick video guide using coaching client photos as examples to help you estimate your body fat percentage here:

Note: It’s common for people to over-estimate how much muscle mass they have. So, after identifying someone who you believe fits your body type, click through to see what their lifting stats were. If they were a lot stronger than you, they probably carry more muscle mass than you, which means you won’t look as good as them when you have finished your cut. There’s nothing you can do about that but it’s something you need to be aware of to avoid disappointment.

Cut or Bulk? Summary Guidelines

Don’t try to get super lean before doing a gaining phase, you’ll be so hungry you’ll gain too quickly, and after dieting to a very lean level you’re actually more primed for fat storage. Don’t diet to the point where you are really feeling food deprived and hungry (this often around 8–10% or lower for men and 16–18% or lower for women, but also depends on how you dieted).

If you’re a novice trainee with obesity or who is starting with a relatively high body-fat level, train hard for 6 months, establish a basic structure with your eating and then reassess. You might find you substantially improved your body composition.

If you’re a novice trainee who is both higher in body fat than they’d like (but not overweight) and also doesn’t have much muscle mass yet, just eat around maintenance (the point where you are not gaining or losing weight) and train hard for 6 months, then reassess.

For the non-novice male over 15% body fat or female over 23%, you can go into a surplus for a gaining phase and you will put on muscle, but it will come with some body fat as well. If you don’t want to push your body fat too far over these levels, you should consider a fat loss phase first.

For the non-novice male up to 15% body fat or female up to 23%, it’s fine to start a gaining phase. For competitors, you’ll probably be able to push it until you gain 3–5% more body-fat percentage points before you should consider a mini cut. This will ensure your next contest prep diet isn’t more difficult. For non-competitors, in my experience, this point is where many (but not all people) want to trim up. However, you should know it’s not unhealthy at all to be in the high-teens of body fat for a male, or high-twenties for a female.

This article was taken from the calorie intake setting chapter of the upcoming second edition of our Muscle and Strength Nutrition Pyramid book. I’ve modified it in a few small places for regular readers of this site, thus kept it in my name as an author, though it’s a joint written effort.

If you’d like to be notified of the release of the books in the new year pop your name and email in the box below.

Thank you for reading. Questions welcomed in the comments.

– Andy, Eric, and Andrea.

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