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smoochi-dazai · 4 years ago

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✿ “ Perfect Two ” ✿

—> Bungo Stray Dogs, Nakahara Chūya | reader / @soukokuwu

—> Sweet | Gift / Songfic

—> Description | It’s a surprise. Love you Rachel <3 feel better and remember to smile honey.

Note: I’m sorry if it’s bad, it’s really late and I didn’t have much energy to begin with. I just really wanted to make you smile today, you deserve so much. I don’t know what you’ve been through, but Chū and I are here for you. It’s pretty rushed sadly... I hope it’s tolerable still atleast. Ngl I feel sorta sick at the moment, but when there’s a friend in need- you are my priority. Probably a lot of mistakes too. 😭 it’s almost 4am-

Words 2.5

When you first met, the last scenario to play in Chūya’s mind was for you to be standing in front of him with a beautiful white gown. Those adoring eyes of yours, leaking any emotions you tried to conceal in your heart— the same heart you’ve given to him since your first exchange of smiles.

But here he was, getting dressed in a expensive tuxedo, preparing to await for his beloved future wife in the wedding room.

Imagining you in a gorgeous wedding dress had him shiver in anticipation, trying to calm down his flustered heart.

You can be the peanut butter to my jelly

You can be the butterflies I feel in my belly

You can be the captain

And I can be your first mate

You can be the chills that I feel on our first date

“ Let go of me, Chūya! ” You growled, beginning to whine as Chūya reached over you for his wine glass which you rudely snatched from his grasp while his back had been turned. “ You’re heavy as hell, fuck off before I make you regret it! ” The frustration in your tone seemed to increase rapidly, trying to convince yourself to be genuinely angered with the hot headed boy leaning against you. He practically had you pinned on the couch while you held his wine glass in an outstretched arm. Chūya’s shorter arms unable to reach for it while cursing at you under his breath, attempting to keep himself composed for you. He never enjoyed yelling at women, but it was so incredibly hard with your proud smirk forming before his eyes.

“ Until you return what you fucking stole, I refuse. Now hand it over ” Chūya’s voice was rather composed aside from the curses, until you still refuse to budge. Losing all rational thoughts, he applied more of his weight ontop of your body, his lips grazed against your ear while muttering in an aggravated tone. “ I’d like to see you try and threaten me again, it won’t be pretty in a minute. Now hand over my wine so I don’t have to do something damn rash... ”

“ As if! You’re always rash, you don’t scare me Chūya.” You snicker, unfazed by his clear threat.

It was true, nothing he did was threatening to you.

He loved you so much, and that was his first date with you. Together you drank the night away, holding each other on the couch. He planned to go out to a restaurant but the weather had other plans. Drops of rain echoed in the room all night, adding to the atmosphere.

You can be the hero

And I can be your sidekick

“ Chuya, what happened?” You gasp at the sight of him outside in the rain, returning home from yet another Mafia business trip. “ Are you okay? ” Your concerned voice echoes throughout the darkened skies, observing your injured boyfriend.

“ I’ll be fine, just ran into a couple morons who really pissed me off. Fuckers were stronger then they look— huh? ” As he began to speak, you were already dragging him inside of the house. Running throughout the home in search of medical aid, he couldn’t help but smile. Watching you stumble over your own feet as you arrived back in front of him, a small chuckle escaped his throat. Catching your attention, you kneel down to tend to all his cuts and bruises, allowing your chin to lift a bit and stare at him for a moment in confusion.

You were always waiting at home, welcoming him with open arms. An uncontrolled warmth lit a flame in his heart, each and every time you’d aid him with any issues that would come up.

He loved you so much.

“ Take me with you next time, even if I’m not as flashy and powerful like you. I can’t stand you arriving home injured again. ” you mutter weakly against his skin, leaving small kisses on each bruise.

You can be the tear That I cry if we ever split

“ Why don’t you ever use your head, Chūya?! ” You shout will a pout by his grave mistake in eating the last of your food, this was your first argument. Silly really, it was all just a misunderstanding. Tears threatening to fall dramatically from your eyes, the puppy look was sickeningly cute to Chuya.

“ Hah?! How was I supposed to know that it was yours!? ” Chūya was incredibly frustrated, arguing with you over eating leftovers from the other day.

Even while you were angered, both of you were incredibly fond of the other.

You can be the rain from the cloud when it's stormin'

Or u can be the sun when it shines in the mornin'

Waking up at your side was always Chūya’s desire after your returned romantic feelings for one another.

“ Wake up, you’ll be late for a meeting again if you continue to cling on me like this— Chū? ” you desperately try to pry the fatigued red heads arms off your waist. His face nuzzled into your chest while keeping a firm grasp on your figure.

“ Hell to the meeting, I need you right now. ” Chūya grumbled, attempting to rest again peacefully without you nagging him about work he didn’t want to think about so early in the morning.

“ Come on Chū... please? I don’t want you to be late because of me. ”

Don't know if I could ever be without you

'Cause boy you complete me

And in time I know that we'll both see That we're all we need

Exchanging smiles, laughs and happiness felt like pure bliss. Hand in hand, you both walk out in public together- enjoying the cool breeze of a beautiful autumn damn.

“ Keep your head down. ” Chuya suddenly said, while you simply tilted your head in confusion. As he accepted the fact you wouldn’t listen to his direct order, suddenly he lifted his hat off his head and shoved it over your face. Blinding you temporarily-

“ Wha-“ man you were confused, receiving no response was rather frustrated too. Lifting the hat off, you glare at him. Softening when you see a couple other men across the street who you could only assume wouldnt be too fond of chuya being away from work for a date with you. He was only hiding you for your own safety—

Thanking him with a peck on the cheek was plenty for him to begin smiling again. A small blush flushed on his cheeks.

'Cause you're the apple to my pie

You're the straw to my berry

You're the smoke to my high

And you're the one I wanna marry

He loved you so goddamn much, and there you are. A blush adorned your cheeks as you stare at your feet shyly, walking down the isle for your wedding. Meeting his eyes as you lift your head. Both parties felt butterflies flap their wings in their stomachs.

Standing so vulnerably infront of him, all he could imagine was your future together. He was really marrying you here and now, it’s settled.

'Cause you're the one for me (for me)

And I'm the one for you (for you)

You take the both of us (of us)

And we're the perfect two

Did he deserve something so beautiful? An angel dating a Mafia executive was odd, but he accepted it. The thought rarely crossed his mind, to distracted by your utter beauty.

You were really his, and his alone.

Preparing his vows, your Chū complimented you smoothly before exchanging a loving, warm hearted look. His eyes were so warm and endearing, your heart began to melt.

We're the perfect two

Baby me and you

We're the perfect two

You were perfect for him, as he was perfect for you. The missing piece of the puzzle finally joined.

You can be the prince and I can be your princess

“ Why the hell did I agree to wear this. ” Chūya glared at himself in the mirror, a tiara placed on his instead of his typical hat. The same hat that you held over your own head happily, laughing at your cute prince in the shoes of a princess.

“ awe, stop complaining. You’re so cute, Chū~ “ Oh how he despises your teasing, growling as he rips off the tiara and chucks it to the side.

He looked ridiculous, wearing a cute frilly dress after losing a bet with you. Now he was forced to be a princess for his day off work, he’d complain more but atleast he could hear your cute laugh.

You can be the sweet tooth I can be the dentist

You can be the shoes and I can be the laces

You can be the heart that I spill on the pages

“ I bought something for you, I hope it’s to your tastes.” Chuya’s chilled voice meets your ears as he enters you home, a sudden smell of freshly made pastries hit your nose. Running over to greet him and the awaited snacks-

“ Is this from the bakery across town?! Chu!! You didn’t have to do this” you freaked out, wanting to repay him somehow. “ how much was it? I’ll get the money for you right now. ”

“ Not telling.”

“Why??”

“ I bought it of my own accord, a gift for my beautiful girlfriend. Accept it or I swear I’ll force you to eat it anyway. ”

Groaning, you were finally convinced to accept the gift. Opening the box he held onto, there was a bunch of little donuts freshly cake. They were decorated with tiny hearts sprinkled on them.

Taking the box, you set it aside. Whipping around, you immediately grasp onto his face— pulling the shorter male into a passionate kiss as thanks.

You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser

You can be the pencil and I can be the paper

You can be as cold as the winter weather

But I don't care as long as were together

“ You are covered in goosebumps, here- take my coat. ”

Before you could even refuse Chuyas offer, you felt a larger coat be thrown over your head. Smiling in the warmth, you can’t help but snuggle in the material of your boyfriends coat.

It was a snowy day out, sending chills throughout your body. The coat alone didn’t appear to work, so the normally hot headed boy wraps an arm around your waist, pulling your frame closer to his. Radiating heat, you can’t help but melt against him. A pleasant sigh escaped your cold lips

Don't know if I could ever be

Without you 'cause boy you complete me

And in time I know that we'll both see

That we're all we need

“ I love you. ” just those three words alone, were enough to tie chuyas heartstrings around your finger.

“ I love you too, Sweetheart. “ He muttered back, feeling as if he could faint in any moment.

'Cause you're the apple to my pie

You're the straw to my berry

You're the smoke to my high

And you're the one I wanna marry

Those same words never once lost their meaning, after your vows- both you and chuya leaned closer to each other.

“ I love you.” You both whisper in unison.

'Cause your the one for me (for me)

And I'm the one for you (for you)

You take the both of us (of us)

And we're the perfect two

A timid smile was exchanged before chuya pulled you into a kiss, everyone began to cheer. Tearing up as they sat up and clap.

You regan wrapping your warms around his neck, resting on his shoulders while a hand found its way in his hair. Tugging it gently as you feel the kiss becoming much more intimate, deeper and to say in in simple terms- hot. At the same time, his hands grip your hips firmly.

We're the perfect two

Baby me and you

We're the perfect two

...

God he loved you.

...

You know that I'll never doubt ya

And you know that I think about ya

And you know I can't live without ya

Marrying someone was always a tough decision, it was a lifelong dedication that may break. But you refused to let that happen with your beloved- even as a hot head, this bb would kiss every part of your body to let you understand how much he adores you.

Never once did Chūya have doubts for marrying you, he wanted this so badly it hurt. It was a dangerous game, to marry you even during his work at the mafia- but they all loved you. Mori and Elise insisted on arriving at the marriage to congratulate you.

I love the way that you smile

And maybe in just a while

I can see me walk down the aisle

“ Do you realize how hot you are? “ You randomly say out loud, not realizing your thoughts were brought to the real world.

“ Hah?” Chuya stared at you in utter shock. Not quite understanding if he heard you right.

“ I asked if you realize how Hot-headed you are, W-Why are you looking at me like that? “ you attempt to cover up your mistake, blushing bright red while turning your head away. Adverting you gaze from his to the wall-

Ah, the memories of your foolish coverups.

'Cause you're the apple to my pie

You're the straw to my berry

You're the smoke to my high

And you're the one I wanna marry

Pulling away from your passionate kiss, your eyes remain shut even after the connection. Chuya takes notice of this, leaving a gentle kiss on your forehead to catch your attention. Allowing you to meet eye to eyes once again—

'Cause your the one for me (for me)

And I'm the one for you (for u)

You take the both of us (of us)

And were the perfect two

The ring officially will be stuck to your finger for eternity, glittering beneath the moonlight as you lift a hand to the sky. Allowing your head to fall against Chūyas shoulder. Both of you sat comfortably at the doorstep of your home— hours after you became officially husband and wife. Absolutely carefree, you guys ignored the rest of the world for just this moment.

An arm was strapped around your waist, securing you from any dangers of the night. Chuya refuses to let you frown so long as he’s there at your side, he loves that smile of yours. Planting a gentle kiss on your head.

Were the perfect two

Baby me and you

We're the perfect two(yeah, yeah)

“ I love you. ”

“ I love you more.”

“ You sure about that?”

“Are you really going fight me on this?”

“Yes.”

Oh how you two haven’t changed.

~Fin~

#smoochi dazai #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #chuya nakahara #nakahara chuuya #chuya x reader #Nakahara chuya x reader #Chuya nakahara x reader

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beckzorz · 6 years ago

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PREMONITIONS 2 (2/8)

or, Adventures in Pursuit of a Seven-Year-Old Seer

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Words: 1662 Summary: It’s been over a year since you met Bucky, and you couldn’t be happier. If only you could figure out why your precognitive niece is burying you in abstract crayon art… A/N: Happy new year!

Part 1

Your phone slips out of your hand and clatters on the ground at your feet. Blood rushes in your ears. You run to the front door, pull on your coat and boots, and yank open your door. Before you lock up, you remember your phone. You run back in and grab it. In another thirty seconds you’re in the street, trying to flag down a taxi. The freezing air stings your cheeks, your legs, but nothing compares to the terror flaring in your chest.

What the hell is happening? What was that call? Where is Gemma? Is Matt okay? What about Sarah?

Where is Gemma?

A taxi finally pulls over for you. You rattle off Matt’s address. “Hurry,” you add, voice catching. “It’s an emergency!”

The driver peels away from the curb. You can’t relax; you lean forward, breathing down your driver’s neck, not even buckled until he nervously asks you to sit back. Even then, you’re trembling, your blood pounding. You stuff your hands between your knees, but they’re shaking too.

Ten minutes never have never gone by by so slow.

The second he pulls up to Matt’s house, you open the door. You’re half out of the cab before you remember you need to pay. “Shit shit shit,” you mumble. Your purse is still hanging on its hook by the door back home.

You stare up at Gemma’s open window as you dig through your coat pockets. By some miracle, you find a twenty.

“Here, take it, keep the change,” you blurt, throwing the bill at the driver. You slam the car door shut and squeeze between the parked cars in front of Matt’s house.

The front door is unlocked. You burst inside, heart in your throat.

You freeze.

Half the stair runners are askew, and Gemma’s winter gear is strewn haphazardly across the living room. One of the couch pillows is in the kitchen doorway. You inch forward, barely breathing. The slow cooker is on the floor, and Sarah’s mulled cider is in a brown puddle across the floor, soaking into the pillow. A strangled sob escapes your throat.

You run upstairs to Gemma’s room. It’s empty, cold… The window is still open. Scribbled-upon papers litter the floor, covered in crayon and pen. Gemma’s bed isn’t made—but then again, it never is. You fall to your knees and press your hands to her bare sheets, willing them to reveal your niece. What’s happened to her? What’s happened to your brother?

In your pocket, your phone starts buzzing.

You flinch in surprise. Damn it, you should have called the cops by now! You pull your phone out and stare blankly at the screen before registering that it’s Bucky calling.

Thank god.

“Bucky!”

“Hey darlin’, how are y—”

“Matt and Gemma are missing!” you cry.

“What?”

You collapse onto Gemma’s bed. “Matt called and he said Gemma was missing and then someone else was there and the line went dead and now they’re gone and—”

“Woah, woah, hey, calm down,” Bucky interrupts. “Where are you?”

“Their house.” You sniff. “I haven’t even called the police, I just… ran over.”

“Okay. Okay.” Bucky is quiet for a moment, but you can hear his breathing accelerating. “I’m on my way there now. I’m going to call Steve, okay? If this is about what I think it’s about, we’ll be able to do more than the police. Okay?”

You bite your lip to keep your crying quiet. Instincts from the days before Bucky—most of your life, really—all want you to hang up and call the police. But Bucky’s not wrong. The Winter Soldier and Captain America have more resources at the arsenal than every police force in America. Probably.

“Y-yeah. Okay,” you tell him. “When will you be here?”

“Soon,” he says. “Where’s Sarah?”

“I—I don’t know. Her cider’s all over the kitchen floor…”

“Can you call her?”

“Um, okay. Yeah.” You sit up slowly. Your head is spinning, but you nod. “I can do that.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Bucky promises. “Call Sarah, and I’ll be there before you know it.” He pauses. “We’ll figure it out. It’ll be okay, darlin’. I promise.”

“Okay.”

You hang up. What else is there to say?

When you call Sarah’s phone, it rings from their bedroom next door. Your heart drops.

No one answers.

“Hello?” you call.

No one answers.

If Sarah is with her phone, why didn’t she answer it? Why would she ignore you?

She wouldn’t. She never has. The only options that come to mind are that she’s missing too—or she’s lying prone in her bedroom. Dead or unconscious.

You bolt to your feet and fly into the other bedroom.

An ounce of tension lifts from your shoulders. The bedroom’s empty; Sarah’s not here. At least she’s not dead��not that you can see. You still have no idea what’s going on, but at least you haven’t seen any dead bodies today.

“Darlin’?”

You jump. It’s Bucky. “Up here!”

Two sets of footsteps pound up the stairs. Two? You spin to face Bucky, who buries you in his arms without preamble. Over his shoulder, you see Steve going straight into Gemma’s room, his face drawn and focused. You close your eyes and let yourself relax into Bucky’s hold, burying your face in his chest.

“I’ve got you,” he murmurs. His metal hand is secure across your back; the other is on your neck, warm and grounding.

“Oh god, thank god you’re here,” you whisper. You pull back. There are wet spot on Bucky’s shirt, and you lift your hands to your cheeks in surprise. Oh. You’re crying.

Bucky brushes your tears away, his eyes soft but his mouth set. “We’re going to find them. And then we’re going to make sure nothing like this every happens again.”

Bucky and Steve go through the upstairs one room at a time. You hover along behind them, trying not to get in their way, but the house isn’t big and those two aren’t exactly small. Every other minute, you’re in their way. But they never send you away. Bucky’s focused on studying the rooms, looking for clues, but he says nothing.

When they move downstairs, you linger in Gemma’s room. You kneel at her bedside again, tracing the empty indent on her pillow. God, what’s happened to her? Your sweet niece, with her happy laugh and her stubborn determination and her ominous certainty—

You put your head against the spot where she sleeps, wishing you could close your eyes and hear her breathing, hear her heartbeat, hear anything that would reassure you she’s alive.

Downstairs, Steve and Bucky start to talk. You sit up and listen hard.

“This has to be about her powers,” Bucky says.

“I agree.” Steve sighs. “What’s the plan?”

“What’re you askin’ me for?”

“She’s your… dammit, I’ve never even been here before, Buck! You know these people.”

A thump—did Bucky punch something? You hope he didn’t leave a dent.

“Keep it together, Buck,” Steve hisses. “Your girl’s upstairs!”

Before Steve finishes, you can hear Bucky stomping up to you. By the time he reaches you, you’re sitting on Gemma’s bed, your hands between your knees. You can’t imagine what you look like, what with the crying and the terror, but Bucky doesn’t comment. All he does is kneel at your feet and take your hands in his. He stares up at you with tender concern.

“How are you doing?” he murmurs. You shake your head, unable to meet his eyes.

“I don’t know. I keep wishing her damn bed would tell me where she is.” You force a laugh. “Crazy, right?”

Bucky joins you on the bed and pulls you into his arms. “No,” he says. “Not crazy.” He settles his chin on your head. “I’m sorry to do this, but can you tell me about the phone call?”

You tell him as much as you can. The phone call, your harried trip over, your exploration of the abandoned house. He listens in silence.

“—and to think, I was going to have a nice night,” you finish with a sniff, thinking of the unlit candles and the pie no doubt setting off fire alarms in your oven and the new lingerie. What was all of that against your brother, his wife, your niece? “God. That sounds so selfish.”

“Trust me,” Bucky says, pulling back, “it’s not.” He kisses away the tears clinging to your cheeks, then tugs you back against him for a last, brief hug. When he pulls back, the dismay is clear on his face. “I don’t want to leave you. But I—we, Steve and me, need to get to the bottom of this.”

“I’ll be okay,” you say. You’re pretty sure it’s a lie, but what does that matter? “Go. Find them. Save them, and then come home safe.”

Bucky squeezed your hands. He studies your face, his blue eyes intent as if he were memorizing you. “Yes, ma’am.”

After Bucky and Steve leave, you call the police as instructed. It’s easier to tell the story this time. Or maybe you’re just numb.

Either way, you let them take your statement. You let them root around your brother’s empty house. You let them bring you out of Gemma’s room, downstairs, outsi—

“Wait,” you blurt.

You turn and rush back inside, back upstairs, and into Gemma’s room.

“This is a crime scene!” one of the officers says, running after you. She tries to grab your arm, but misses as you kneel on the floor and pick up a piece of paper.

Your heart pounds. It’s one of Gemma’s drawings. All the other pages on the floor are pictures of people, of animals, of houses or rocks or flowers. This one, though?

This one is abstract.

You stare at the paper clutched in your hands as the officer leads you back outside. Her lecture goes in one ear and out the other.

Gemma, you think, what are you trying to say?

Read Part 3 here!

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x you #winter soldier imagine #bucky barnes fic #the premonitions story #becca writes

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jasonvtodd · 6 years ago

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11 QUESTION GAME

i was tagged by @kazsbrekkfast ✨❤ Rules: Answer the 11 questions you’ve been asked, nominate 11 other bloggers, ask your nominees 11 questions, let them know you’ve nominated them!

If you could be any character’s best friend, who would it be and why? default was: jason todd!! but then i thought about it and i mean yes obv him too buut... i genuinely believe that nothing would make any person feel more complete and happy and safe then if you were the wally west to dick graysons dick grayson. so... yeah dick grayson aoisuhd like boys a mess but damn if he doesnt do everything he can to let his friends and family know how much he loves them!!!

What book is the most well-loved and well-read on your shelf? (stealing kat’s question lolol) i think the raven cycle?? i carried them all around a lot when i was doing classes in 2016 in my backpack when i was rereading them and my copy of gatsby was very worn and torn but :(( lent it to someone and have yet to have it back </3 also the things they carried by tim o’brien is also a Mess tm the spine is a wreck.

What book or book series got you into reading/creating your blog? the raven cycle got me back into reading and remembering i love books in 2015. buut then the foxhole court got me to change my url in 2016 for the first time since 2012 and go into a full lit blog for a while so aoishd i guess foxhole but wouldnt have gotten there without raven cycle?? the Best two tm

Quote one of your favourite books of all time. “I suppose it’s a cliché to say you’re glad to be alive, that life is short, but to say you’re glad to be not dead requires a specific intimacy with loss that comes only with age or deep experience. One has to know not simply what dying is like, but to know death itself, in all its absoluteness. After all, there are many ways to die—peacefully, violently, suddenly, slowly, happily, unhappily, too soon. But to be dead—one either is or isn’t. The same cannot be said of aliveness, of which there are countless degrees. One can be alive but half-asleep or half-noticing as the years fly, no matter how fully oxygenated the blood and brain or how steadily the heart beats. Fortunately, this is a reversible condition. One can learn to be alert to the extraordinary and press pause—to memorize moments of the everyday.” ― Insomniac City: New York, Oliver, and Me (its long but i dont talk about this book a lot and i really adore every aspect of it)

Would you ever consider writing poetry if you’ve never done so before? its... possible i have done so before... and no, before you ask, i do not still have it... (even if i did i wouldnt tell you kiddo)

Do you have any of your own characters/original writings? youve... seen... my Past tm....

Opinion on fanfiction? love it but havent read much of it for a while tbh

Most meaningful book/book series you’ve ever read? oh fuck... no no... this is... no. i cant do this no you know i cant do this aisjdh cause how ‘meaningful’ the books are... is subjective to every person you know?? plus it also changes sometimes depending on my mood/mindset... standalones that really fucked me up that i read one after another is: they both die at the end, when breath becomes air, tin man, insomniac city. series is.. a whole other thing asodiuhf but you know them all anyway so eh

A book that made you cry? lmao again. this is too hard to answer and im gonna keep saying the same answers but tin man really fucked me up ok. and insomniac city had me crying a lot too and.. again.. theres a Lot tm

Do you like short stories or long novels? mhmm i dont mind novellas if they have characters i like from a anotherseries but generally speaking id prefer longer... in saying that though... tin man (yes, gone there again) was only 200 pages and managed too... HA.. so.. i guess if youre a good enough writer you dont need a long amount of pages sometimes

Who is the most interesting female character you’ve ever encountered? lila bard but she identifies as genderfluid anyways but still amazing and schwab!! gave us!! that beautiful pirate icon!! also obvious shoutout to nina zenik as well!!! and i just realized this isnt just book related so aisudh i could go on with comic characters too but then we’d be here for another few paragraphs SO!! we’ll just!! stick to books!!

‘nominating’: @amritasher @dqstoevsky @kingormmarius @wickerjulias @thedreamertrilogies @brucewaynse @hawkgirls @bluejeanbarold @brvkker @wallewest @gracelessnites

MY QUESTIONS

24hrs till the end of the world... you can get to any place, to any person in an instant though.. where do you go, who do you see.. and why?

zombie apocalypse, who do you have on your team (rl buddies or fictional, your choice mates)

five must read before you die books (or comics if you want)

if you had the power to time travel to any point in history, where would you go and why?

one thing you’ve done this year that you’re proud of?

what’s something everyone loves, but you think is very overrated?

going to get real controversial here (how you answer this, will possibly end our mutual engagement...) ... pineapple on pizza... should it be on there?

whats an album that is your ride or die? (or artist/band)

apple or android? why.

advice you’d give to your past self at a time when you were struggling?

something you’re looking forward to?

#i got tagged #this was sitting my drafts whoops aoisuh thanks for the tag kiddo this was fun!! i rlly need to start reading more though this year ahh #i misss it

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emilyprentissisababe · 6 years ago

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Hi my lovelies! I've been working on this Jemily college AU fic for awhile now. I'd love feedback! This is the first fic I've written in maybe 10 years, so please be gentile (but constructive if you've got any advice 😊 ). There will probably be 2 more chapters, so let me know if youd like to be tagged.

Thank you so much @books-cats-fandom for helping me with this and putting up with my whining. You're the best ❤. Also thank you to @bi-ssaemilyprentiss and @cicinicole-14 for being willing to read this for me!

There are no warnings. This is complete fluff. _____________________

Emily had a knack for not being able to sleep at night. For some reason all of the days events and tomorrows worries plagued her in the waning hours of darkness. As she laid in bed she couldn't help but feel anxious about what the new day would bring. She had midterms coming up, an eventual graduation, figuring out what to do next, and "real world" problems on the horizon. The main things dominating her thoughts tonight however? Jennifer Jareau. She and JJ had been mutual acquaintances for about a year now. Going to the same parties. Taking the same classes. But in the last three months they've become really close friends. They tell each other just about everything. Em even told her how it was hard for her to grow up moving around and how she had a hard time making friends. JJ told her how she was born prematurely and they doctors thought she wouldnt make it. They usually ended each day talking to each other. It was a nice occurrence for Emily. University life can be quite lonely sometimes.

Her phone lights up. "Speak of the devil". She thinks.

"How many pages should that paper be again?"

Emily looks at the clock. Its 3 AM. No rest for the wicked huh? "Umm, what are you doing awake? We have class at 9 tomorrow. You better be there, seeing your gorgeous face is the only thing that makes that class bearable."

"I've gotta finish this paper. Have you ever known me to skip class? You know me better than that! Wait....what are you doing awake?"

"Just thinking.."

"Thinking about what?"

"What happened today. With Caleb....I can't believe he asked you out, just like that, with all of those people standing there. With me standing there."

"Yeah, I was...taken off guard, that's for sure. I don't like him like that..."

"Then why did you agree to go?"

"Hes a nice guy, and I was so shocked, I just kind of nodded.....hey! I've got an idea, why dont you come with us?"

"Come with you on the date? Um, no thanks Jay, I dont want to be a third wheel."

"Then bring your own date. Theres gotta be SOMEONE you're interested in. "

"Well, there is someone I'm interested in, but I dont know how they feel about me and...idk"

"I'm sure they'll say yes if you ask them. You're so smart, and beautiful, and caring, and did I mention beautiful? Anyone would be lucky to date you."

Emily feels her heart skip a beat. Damn. She really knew how to get to her. "No, I dont think that's the best idea."

"Awww come on! At least tell me who it is!"

"You're getting distracted. Do your paper and get some sleep babe. You've gotta take care of yourself."

"Okay. Okay. Fine. But dont think I'll forget about this conversation. I want answers as to who's stolen your heart, Emily Prentiss."

Emily sighs, smiling into her phone. "Go to sleep. Goodnight ❤"

"Goodnight, lovely ❤"

____________________________________________

The next day Prentiss ran into class a few minutes before it started and was disappointed when all the seats next to JJ were taken.

"You were almost late ��"

"Sush! You're the one texting in class 🙊"

"Umm, you just texted be back though."

"You're such a brat! 😂"

The professor then passed out a test that took the rest of the period. Emily took longer to complete it and by time she was done, JJ had already left. She wasnt sure why, but she felt a little disappointed when she walked out of the classroom and JJ wasnt there waiting for her. After a moment Emily was able to shake off her disappointment, she needed to go talk to a different professor and if she didnt leave now she would miss her. As she rounded the corner to her professors office she saw a little blonde head peak out from a door across the hall. She couldnt hide the smile that came across her face. Her professor was just on her way out of her office so Emily asked her question quickly and her professor left.

Suddenly JJ was behind her, "hey there." She said with a smirk playing on her lips.

"Hey you."

"How did you do on that test?"

"It was rough right?"

"Oh sush. You always get perfect grades."

"Umm so do you!" Emily said, leaning against the hall wall. JJ didnt say anything and just stared at Emily. After a few moment the blonde reaches over the space separating the two. Emily had been looking down at her boots as JJ gently lifted her chin.

"You're so beautiful." She said as she gently caressed Em's cheek. "And your skin is so soft." Emily blushed a little and then put her hand over JJ's, enjoying the touch. Emily was a little touch starved. Her mother wasnt the most nurturing parent and she hadn't dated anyone in a long time.

"Look at you though. Your eyes are my favorite color. Vast. Clear. Beautiful. Just like you." JJ smiled, making Emily's heart beat just a little bit faster. What was that about? She thought. Just as quickly as it happened, JJ pulled her hand back, leaving that spot on her cheek feeling cold, "oh shit, I'm going to be late! I'll talk to you later!" And with that, the blonde glided away, leaving Em, smiling and gently touching her cheek.

After class had finished that day Em had to go to work and then straight home to do homework. As she lay in bed that night, thinking yet again of Jennifer Jareau. She was notoriously good at overanalyzing everything. Tonight? The cheek caress. Why did she do that? What did it mean? Sure, they have been touchy before, mostly sitting close and brushing against each other, but this? This was so....blatant. This was so new. Emily is wrapped up in these thoughts when she gets a text, "Hey, party this Saturday. I'll go if you go!"

"Wait, you mean the infamous homebody Jennifer Jareau is going to a party this weekend? I'm so there!"

"We'll see who's infamous after this weekend. 😉" another text "you should bring that guy you were telling me about the other night. I need to meet him!"

"You know them better than you think..." Em typed, feeling her heart rate speed up. It was about time she admit to herself that she had feelings for JJ. How is that possible? She'd never had feelings for another woman before....

"Oh come on Em! Just tell me who they are! Maybe I could help them fall in love with you! It's such an easy thing to do! 😉"

Em sighed. It was about time to just admit her feelings. Maybe theyd go away if she just got it over with. Another text, "who is ittt?"

After taking a big breath, she types out, "it's you... " she closes her eyes and presses send. Her heart is beating so loudly she cant hear anything else.

"Oh, Em, I'm flattered. I'm just not in the position to be in a relationship right now...."

"That's okay! It honestly just feels good to get it off of my chest..."

"Babe. This wont affect anything. I promise. I want you to always be able to tell me the truth."

"Okay....good...I'll see you Saturday?"

"Yes! I'll see you Saturday! Be ready for a party!"

____________________________________________

If you've made it this far, thank you ❤ I appreciate you. If I'm being honest, I am writing this for a personal reason to help me deal with something that happened in my real life. So far it has been very cathartic.

I'm tagging @prentissisthebestest @mullinscarousel @unleash-the-doves @unitchiefwives @puke-and-nutballs @emily-prentiss-is-bea @blondeandbrunetteshipper @just-take-a-moment-and-dream @nekocrocs @magnificentperfectionmiracle @sunnysaysbookreviews @soul-disposition @katiealyssa96 @mikan-chan-the-obsess @oakleygartner @feelingsbutnofeelings @ryker-the-pta-mom becuase you all said you'd like to read this when I asked in a previous post. If you dont want to be tagged in the next chapters, just let me know. I'll understand. I hope you enjoyed it :)

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kosmicdream · 7 years ago

Text

The Bizarre Pacing of Feast For a King

I WROTE ANOTHER LITTLE JOURNAL THING ABOUT MY COMIC enjoy

Feast for a king, right now, is around 4350 pages long. (A bit more than that, especially if you include the 80 page bonus chapter) but one thing about this story that stands out and ultimately becomes one of the biggest deciding factors of a readers enjoyment is the way I handle pacing.

Besides the ‘rough’ artwork, its absolutely the #1 thing people comment on. Disorienting, Rambling or meandering, it very much encapsulates a style that you would not typically find in a comic. It promotes an atmosphere of, obviously lacking an ‘editor’ who would attempt to reel things in or get to the point. As its creator, I’m very aware with how strange it is but that’s exactly one of the reason why I attempt to commit to it. I allow myself this strange liberty to participate in this comic in a format that is very revealing of all my flaws.. but also helps me discover my strengths as well. And besides that, it really gives me the most clear window of the possibilities of my skills.

Still at this point in my comic creating process, I start to hesitate to call this format experimental anymore. I understand that it is, but it also just.. is how I like to make comics. By calling it experimental, i find that I take myself a little less seriously as an artist. Or that it becomes a little more easy to put down what makes this process work and why its effective.

In the eyes of many, it breaks necessary boundaries and there’s not a lot pause for air. Its just like this, the entire way that it goes. Its something you must confront and deal with in order to read the story. I think that in a way, I use this pacing also as a protective wall for myself. The only problem is that it also isolates me from a larger audience. Which kind of sucks because, i think that my story is very special and i’d love for more people to read it because.. id.. like to make this my career and support me. I’m sure there are a lot of other aspects of my comic that make it hard to read besides the pacing but, I think that my pacing is something that I’d like to address in more detail as to why i do it. It IS absolutely an intentional choice, but at the same time, I’m not sure if its a choice I can really undo anymore. So perhaps its actually just something I can’t help but do.

1) The largest reason that I do this pacing is because its reflective of my main source of inspiration, Roleplaying! And, my favorite method of roleplaying is actually a very simple format close to chat-based style. I’ve been roleplaying since i was 11 and making characters and stories ever since. Its where I feel more comfortable working and exploring ideas. I wanted to make a comic feel like how I do when I roleplay. And how i roleplay is often filled with mundane, small scenes of almost pointless activities which end up really building that atmosphere or illusion that these characters are always living their lives somewhere, even if we don’t notice. I’m obsessed with documenting all that small boringness. The more i can pull out of myself, the better it feels. I feel like its a reward to get to see those things, and its the kind of attention to detail that often hooks me in when I experience other media. Its like, oh my god, i love this character fussing with a flashlight or looking for food at a grocery store. Tying their shoes. Fussing over their thoughts in a moment. These are things I cling to and want to take the time to mention. You can do all those in roleplaying without it being super distracting because its casual, but suddenly when its in the format of a comic it just-- doesn’t seem necessary. and it isnt. but thats why its such a treat to get it. But it also just stops being a treat when its constant, and instead, its all the time. Its just the normal standard. You’d think that make its loose its appeal... but for me i just, want more of it. Its really an obsessive hunger. I realized that i could do it this way in a comic and I never wanted it to stop. And i dont have to. That’s what makes it so cool but i feel like..im cheating at something by having so much..fun?

2) Meandering gives you plenty of fucking time to plan ahead. Oh it sure as fuck does. Oh my god. I am not even kidding. The satisfaction of feeling like I’ve got all my plans together because I spent hundreds of pages of my characters fucking around (sometimes literally FUCKING around) is amazing. I love just not having to worry about shit for a while because if i was hitting all these huge story beats at all the time, i think I would evaporate and miss out on just the slow, happy experience of getting to know my world so intimately and feeling very comfortable with how it unfolds. I sit and debate on things and Its like ahh, thank god I don’t feel a rush to get around to do anything. I love just being chill and drawing my characters walking around and doing fucking nothing but walking around and its like damn I could be walking around right now too, but I’m not. They are. What am i typing right now?

When exciting things happen in my comic, I love it. But i also love working by making basically mental buffer pages. Its like the camera kept rolling and following the crew around. Once again, basically ties into the “mundane” aspect, but it just gives a very nice satisfaction of not feeling rushed to do anything until its time to do it. personally, i think that if we are given more time with characters, even just by seeing there, we get a little more fonder of them. Like seeing a regular at a coffee shop or like, a video game npc bouncing around in the corner in the same spot for the entire game. They’re there and its a reliable landmark. Until it goes away. :)

3) Pay off. I’ve lulled you all into this false sense of mundane non changing-ism. Just think though. I could pull that fucking rug out at any time and all those little cute moments suddenly become very upsetting because that was all you got. It sucks now. See? I’ve manipulated you from the start and ive planted the little seeds in your mind-just kidding. everything is fine and no one will ever experience sad things in ffak. ONLY happy endings.

4) What’s the forth reason? Ummmmm....... I can take breaks from my own comic and then go into the past of the same story, or write about some random character... and then like. just do a totally different comic for a bit. and no one can say i cant do that, because if Its just what i wanna do you just.. get to see some of that. and i can extend one single day for as long as i want. i might just draw an entire chapter about sneezy the worm if i wanted. 600 pages of sneezy the worm. you want to hear about sneezy the worm? no? you want the main plot about the final feast? no fuck you.. im going to talk about sneezy now. that’s what you get. yesss. you look upset now but just wait, you’re gonna love sneezy the worm when I’m done and you cant escape caring about cute little worms no matter what.

So to wrap up today’s delirious ramblings 1) Its fun and i love small character moments 2) gives me plenty of time to write ahead and figure out endings lol 3) potential heart breaking pay offs when i change the routine 4) freedom to do whatever and write about whatever characters without a looming deadline or judgment from bosses. this is just what i love to do.

FFAK’s process is strange but I intend to enjoy myself as much as possible. I also think I’m very great because the longer i work the less ashamed i feel about my choices with writing and making it this way. its just like oh cool, i can do this and its not the end of the world if everyone doesnt like it cause I like it and thats what matters. and turns out, my happiness results in thousands of pages because I’m constantly self-motivated. So its fucking cool as shit and i love drawing. I love drawing more now in 2018 than i did when i was a teenager, or even a kid. Its so weird how much better and fun the experience has grown to be and I wouldnt trade that for the world.

Anyway thanks for reading. I’m drinking a frappichino. frappuccino. how do you fucking spell that.

-kosmic

#feast for a king #ffak faq #ffak #journal

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lovebunnie · 7 years ago

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nick carraway and jay gatsby are both gay and heres why

its 11:30 at night and i have class tomorrow but ive been itching to make this post for about a week so im gonna do it. this wont be centered as much around jay and nick being in LOVE, since id have to read and analyze it a bit more to make honest to god claims and opinions for that, but these r some of the reasons that point to both of these characters being completely gay. also, im going to be issuing some points from others sources, but ill include links to the original texts which i recommend reading!

so the great gatsby was written in 1925, a time full of alcohol, financial bliss, and parties like u would not believe. many of these themes are prevalent in the novel, making themselves known all throughout. even the term ‘gatsby-like’ is extremely well known. needless to say, this book is extremely well known in every front. one of the ones i saw the most was calling the great gatsby ‘the greatest love story ever written.’ and before i read the novel myself, i wouldnt have been able to tell u any different. but when u read it, and really, how u analyze it, really shapes how u see the characters. to some people, it really could be an amazing love story. but to me, this story is written about someone obsessed with a facade, denying himself who he is, and a man who watches his downfall and can do nothing to stop him.

one very important thing to acknowledge is how this novel is told: its told completely in nicks perspective. we only know how he feels, we only know these characters based on how nick sees them. it is immediately biased towards nick. and what he does is describe a hell of a lot of people. but it is very distinctive in the way he does it; men and women are very differently described.

nick describes daisy in her voice and the power it has over people. all of nicks flowery language goes into daisys speech, but not in great length about what daisy looked like. with jordan, nick does a bit more describing in the way she is ‘small-breasted’ and had the ‘shoulders of a young cadet.’ these traits are masculine, and we know from the novel that nick does enjoy jordans company and he does say he ‘enjoys looking at her.’ hell, even the name ‘jordan’ is traditionally masculine. nick sees jordan leaning more towards masculinity than femininity. but even still, the flowery language is not as grand as it could be, not as we know nick can get.

its when nick is describing men that things get bold and expressive. even while describing tom does nick go into great and intimate length with him; ‘ He had changed since his Haven years. Now he was a sturdy straw haired man of thirty with a rather hard mouth and a supercilious manner. Two shining arrogant eyes had established dominance over his face and gave him the appearance of always leaning aggressively forward. Not even the effeminate swank of his riding boots could hide the enormous power of that body he seemed to fill those glistening boots until he strained the top lacing, and you could see a great pack of muscle shifting when his shoulder moved under his thin coat. It was a body capable of enormous leverage -- a cruel body’ the author of this paper literally said this passage ‘pulses with sexual energy,’ and this is for a character nick doesnt even like. it obviously means more in the way nick describes him, has more heart and passion put into it.

and now gatsby, who nick, in the final chapters, dwells on even more. we know gatsby is attractive, that much we can tell without nick even really having to describe him. but even in a single paragraph about his smile does it provoke more feeling than anything else about daisy or jordan; ‘ He smiled understandingly-- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you might come across four or five times in your life. It faced --or seemed to face-- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.’

like. damn nick. this is only about gatsbys smile. this was no accident or cruel twist of fate; nick is enamored with jay and obviously finds him attractive and also enjoys looking at him, like jordan. nick sees men and women differently. this could be chocked up to ‘it was the olden days’ and ‘sexism,’ but nick isnt rude to these women, nick is simply not interested in them, at all.

but how do we know nick is gay? wheres the textual proof? its written out word for word, you just have to know where to look. and where to look is at the very end of chapter 2.

so chapter 2 does a lot for the plot; it basically introduces nick to the life these people live and makes him see how unappealing it is. we meet a large cast of characters and expand on others, like myrtle, her sister, and most importantly to the subject of nicks sexuality, mr. mckee.

mr. mckee is described as a ‘pale feminine man’ and nick offhandedly describes the smudge of shaving cream on his cheek. weird right? later in the night, nick describes himself as ‘ Taking out my handkerchief I wiped from his cheek the remains of the spot of dried lather that had worried me all the afternoon.’ nick has been LOOKING at this married man all night and cleaned him up when he was messy like come ON. plus, a ‘pale feminine man’ could very easily be a stereotype of a gay man, especially in the 1920s.

but then comes the most important part about nicks sexuality in the entire book: the ellipses.

the great gatsby is relatively short, only about 200 pages or so, give or take. fitzgerald would not include anything he wouldnt need, as he is also an expert in metaphors and making things seem as they are not. everything is masterfully placed and paced, making it seem to flow like water.

the scene in question describes mr. mckee and nick on an elevator, leaving the party. mr. mckee walked out, leaving his wife, and nick decided to follow. heres the scene:

Come to lunch some day,” he suggested, as we groaned down in the elevator.

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

“Keep your hands off the lever,” snapped the elevator boy.

“I beg your pardon,” said Mr. McKee with dignity, “I didn’t know I was touching it.”

“All right,” I agreed, “I’ll be glad to.”

. . . I was standing beside his bed and he was sitting up between the sheets, clad in his underwear, with a great portfolio in his hands.

“Beauty and the Beast . . . Loneliness . . . Old Grocery Horse . . . Brook’n Bridge. . . . ”

Then I was lying half asleep in the cold lower level of the Pennsylvania Station, staring at the morning Tribune, and waiting for the four o’clock train.

LIKE. WHAT.

those ellipses separate the time between nick and mr. mckee on the elevator and nick and mckee at his home, with one in underwear and then nick leaving for the train at 4am. there is a large gap of time missing from this, and nick decided to leave it out while fitzgerald decided to keep it in. it means something, and the use of ellipses gives the audience enough to know what is happening without explicitly telling them. it is the authors ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ to the audience. think of the environment nick was in; tom was cheating with myrtle, the heavy metaphor of the eyes watching over the sins we think no one can see. this party was full of mischief and nick fucked a married man.

mckee does not seem intoxicated, he invites nick out to lunch while gripping the elevator handle, which are always objects shaped like dicks. plus in the novel, the scene does feel somewhat out of place; nick does not spend too much time discussing the interactions between mckee and himself, it seems thrown in. i get the impression that nick almost didnt want to include it it his writing, and put it in last minute. however, nick is fictional and i dont have much to go on off from an almost 100 year old book. its open to personal interpretation, but it seems like nick and mckee had sex and nick left on the 4am train, leaving mckee in his underwear at his own home looking through his pictures.

even at the beginning of the novel, nick is planning on living in a house with another man before the plan falls through and he goes to washington dc. could this be a failed boyfriend? we cant say. but it is a possibility.

nick carraway ends the novel mourning his friend jay gatsby, moving back to the midwest alone and away from the glitz and glam of new york. his ending does not involve getting married and having kids and riding off into the sunset, which seems bittersweet for our narrator. however, given the way things planned out for other characters, this is the best ending we could hope for for nick, one away from the destruction and one where he can at least begin to to to be happy again.

and now we move onto jay.

ill admit, this has little to do with textual evidence; i cant point out a place where jay fucks a dude or describe the way jay sees men and women; with nick being our narrator, again, he only know his perspective. but we do hear things about jay from other characters, how he acts and acted before nick and the type of man he is.

wolfshiem describes jay as ‘ very careful about women. He would never so much as look at a friend’s wife.’ this means that jay knows women and knows when to back off, never advancing on someone he had no claim to. this is very important to me for several reasons.

1. it implies jay is not a cheater

2. it implies jay has been around enough women to know who is who

3. it shows jay is respectful

this also says to me that jay is not bi; he only has eyes for daisy, and not other woman. and those eyes for daisy are questionable.

we know daisy and jay had last seen each other 5 years prior to the events of the novel. in that time, jay had collected numerous things about daisy, built a house just so he could see her, and blew thousands of dollars every weekend for parties in hope that daisy would show up, even obtaining money illegally just to impress daisy.

jay gatsby is obsessed with daisy.

this is obvious from the text, the behaviors he puts forward are strange and creepy in pursuit of daisy. gatsby stares longingly out the window, cant hold a conversation with nick, and flat out bolts out of a restaurant to avoid embarrassment. he is an awkward guy, no doubt. and he lives his life as trying to be someone else, specifically, the man he thinks daisy wants from 5 years ago. when the car crashes with myrtle, all gatsby cares about is how daisy feels; when hes literally about to get ganked all he thinks about is daisy, daisy daisy daisy.

this isnt love, and i think deep down, jay knows it. this is the equivalent of dudebros who go above and beyond to prove they arent gay but end up the most gay of them all. gatsby is compensating for his feelings and trying to push the limit to deny himself more and hide back into the closet. he wants to seem the most manly he can get and basically say ‘wow i love women! i love women so much! look what i did for this woman! look at how much i love her!’

daisy is the first person jay felt he could be himself around, could begin to feel happy. and when he went to war, he no longer had something to push all his feelings onto. plus he was surrounded by other men, and for someone so in denial about their own sexuality, it probably drives them to pretty bad places. pretty obsessive places. he needs daisy, not because he loves her, but because he needs to security blanket. he needs to feel validated.

those glaces and stares out at nick feel like cracks of the real jay poking through, one who likes men but cannot admit it to himself. after all, as a man so attached and desperate for the ‘american dream,’ back in the 1920s, that did not include marrying a man. jay lives with internalized homophobia and tries to calm his nerves with his pretend love of daisy.

i could go on and on about this forever but its 12:30 and i have class.

if u take nothing from this, let me leave u with these main bullets:

TL;DR

nick fucked a dude

nick describes men erotically while he describes women very dully

nick almost lived with another man

jay is obsessed with daisy to repress his emotions

the separation and wartime made things worse for him

his internalized homophobia causes the plot

his longing stares out the window at nick are cracks in his facade

ty and goodnight

#space.txt #the great gatsby #natsby #jay gatsby #nick carraway #I SPENT AN HOUR ON THIS #YALL #idc if no one reads this i had fun writing it #ut yeah nick fucked a dude confirmed

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tamiddyinyourcity · 4 years ago

Text

11:01am.

Casually had a mental breakdown for all of yesterday.

My eyes are surprisingly not swollen as fuck.

And adding yet another person to the "probably has a terrible voicemail of me" list.

Plus, the silicon lube dude used with me (why even use silicon??????) has fucked up my vajayjay, despite showering every day and whatnot, so that's a bad sign...

But leaving six voicemails doesn't mean leaving a 7th "and stop using silicon lube on girls, creaming isnt normal, you watch too much porn". (It was like, "Oh, thats just like in porn, interesting", and me focusing more on how he had no refractory period and was on our 3rd fuck.)

Literally the first man I met who had that ability? What the fuck is with their fucking genetics? Just always hard, always erect, and even if they nut 3 times, there's still more? Lord.

Whew chile, 6 times in a day had me swooning. It was insanity, but perfect, since I have a super high sex drive as well. Its wonderful.

12:11pm.

I'm just..... so upset. I might cry in a bit, if I think about it longer.

I liked him for many reasons, damn near a perfect dude. Even some of the odd things, like him having what seemed like 18 huge box cases of Yu Gi Oh cards he collects, and will blow an entire paycheck to buy an entire shelf of their cards, (i like him and respect his choices on how to spend his money, but its def a big worry,) or some of his quirks, i still liked.

He was seemingly a great dude; it's a pretty big turn-on when your boyfriend is out here making huge barbecues with grilled onions and bell peppers with fancy marinated steaks for you. Plus the two times we had wine with it, he felt hyper bad about giving me alcohol while underage, (its alright,) and made sure to question me extra hard about having sex consensually and how tipsy I felt.

Considering I can recall 99% of our conversation from that night, and enjoyed sex a lot, I can reassure yall reading this that it was consensual and whatnot.

It was a nice relationship. He would kiss me at random, just kinda noticing my shoulder/elbow/knee/thigh, and thinking "Psssst..... free real estate" and kissing it.

So when you're with a dude that you sleep better with every night laying next to, feeds you every day whatever you feel like, goes out of his way to impress you, and actually enjoys taking you shopping or buying things with you? Similar sense of humor, meshes pretty well on sexual levels, and he was my type too? (Phat Ass White Guy with like, skinny legs and a nice dresser, like; do you know how hard it was to stay off of his dick?)

And the REFRACTORY PERIOD, NONEXISTENT, LORD. Three bangs and still never dropping, highly impressive.

1:05pm.

I'm so lightheaded, I can't even focus on writing. I feel so weak. And overall, making a ton of new friends and a love interest just to lose it all in a month, as well as going from overjoyed to heartbroken in a mere few hours between being at Target and going home, leaves a huge whiplash feeling for me honestly.....

I just don't get it.

He had me and still wanted someone else. He just did the thing he always does, where he rewords my accusations in a slightly less terrible light.

"You told me to my face that you worried that if you ever came inside, you'd lose all interest in me romantically!"

"Well I said that since if I really care for someone, of course I worry about them! If I didnt care, then i wouldnt worry about you!"

(That's not even in any way fucking helpful????? If the only thing keeping a relationship going is the fact that you haven't been able to cum inside yet, then you are knowingly continuing a relationship built on lies and a very shallow level of love and care involved.)

And that shit he said about "I wanted only you; I didn't want her. But I was figuring out my wants and needs."

Wants and needs???? What fucking "wants and needs" could you have? What's that got to do with downloading shit off of a girl who you're stalking's page?

What, you were trying to figure out how you WANTED to stare at pics of your old fuckbuddy, and NEEDED to do it while I was at your house? Why the fuck did he even say that? He couldn't even explain what the fuck he meant by "i was figuring out my wants and needs", which is basically him trying to derail the conversation from the obvious point of "You're obviously still into this girl."

I.... hate his ass.

I also hate myself a little bit too, for giving in with him. He was getting irritable with me around but not having sex with him. And....

I just regret ever having sex with him; or continuing with him. Sure, things were nice, but he really is just gonna never acknowledge how his actions had hurt me.

I hope that one day, he dates a girl, then finds out she's downloading nonstop pictures of her ex fuckbuddy off of her page.

But it probably would hurt less for him, since he's not the one who was trying to only have sex when he felt 100% committed to by someone else he liked romantically, just to repeatedly get manipulated and treat her like fucking shit.

I'm still so lost.

I got tired of telling him how what he did hurt me. Men have no feelings or ability to use logic or anything, and lack common sense. I'm just not gonna be with anyone again. This was too much. Too much bad after a lot of good tarnishes the good.

......

And the irony in him never getting me a rose but thinking I'd forgive him entirely because he bought me hella shit at Target.

I almost did..... but, still knew better. I hoped to at least maybe even have a heart to heart for why he felt so strongly for Sarah. He's never told me much good about her. He mentioned her ignoring him for long periods of time, her reckless actions with sugar daddies, and more. Them going shopping together, their cute first date where they walked around the city.

But, nothing of substance.

Not any stories of how they connected, or what..... then, I could at least see where he's coming from, and all that.

Like for example, there's a difference in me saying, "Patrick #2 was a great boyfriend. He had wonderful eyes, he was really pretty, and got me pearl earrings", versus....

"Patrick #2 and I had a complicated dynamic at first. We kept butting heads due to not understanding each other's sense of humor, and our different ways of expressing joy and interest or interacting with eachother, but over time, we started hanging out back to back due to how comfortable we got with each other, spending days in each other's arms, watching movies, going out to eat and having really nice long talks with eachother.... Plus, they were there for me when I had struggled with my previous breakup and whatnot. Eventually we ended up realizing we developed feelings for eachother, and transitioned from extremely close FWBs, to a potential relationship. We took trips to different cities where he would have me meet all his friends, took me to parties, had late night sessions going to view the stars, and he showed me Orion, I believe. He played jazz music from his speaker as we looked at the shooting stars and the comet shower blazing through the sky that night, then held me in his arms as we sat on his car, staring at the way the cities lit up at night from that gorgeous view. He had the most fascinating smile I had ever seen, a cute snort when he laughed, and amazing bright blue eyes. I fell for him very hard, and it took a long time to get over someone like him, who supported me during the rough moments of my life, and made difficult moments better."

.......

See the difference, visually?

The first example lets you know that they found a person attractive, and that they bought them something, so they like them. But if this were a reason to say why you're not over a person yet, despite being with them for a month, your significant other would be upset. "Well, I thought you also found me attractive, and I've also gifted you with jewelry? What do they have that I don't? Did I fuck up, or something?"

The person you're dating will question if the other person is so beautiful that you just can't help but be fully entranced by them.

But the second example gives you an idea of why they're hooked on a person. It says their date experiences, how they helped them through hard times, the specific things that they love about them, and explains their backstory.

It would've at least helped me understand, and not have it just be some "i was horny and i like staring at her" weird shit.

.....

2:21pm.

Reread my message to him.

Damn, harsh.

2:54pm.

Falling in and out of focus. One second I'm writing, next second I found someone with huge titties on twitter, and forgot about things.

Moving on.

2:54pm. I need to give things more time, fam.

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survivor-kuwait · 5 years ago

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Episode 14 - “Maybe i should be careful what I wish for nxt time” - Owen

youtube

What the motherfucking ass shit was that. Who in their right mind would let it slip so that Ian/Devon would play an idol. And then Matt playing the idol, first of all wtf I didn't know he had an idol. But god damn that was messy. I'm shook that Maynor and I didn't get any votes in the revote, but wow that paints a target on our backs which is the last thing I want. It makes me feel great about where I'm at with the people I've been talking to and even those outside the alliance. So this is both good and bad but wow messy. Ahhhh I still don't know how to feel, but if that revote tied then maynor and i would've gone to rocks and been out since it would only be us and yeet there I go.

I feel super shitty for doing that to Corey. I don't even know if it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to have to use my tiebreaker yet and if it had tied I was not about to let Timmy/Maynor go home. I never wanted to turn on Corey in this game but the way this merge has turned out ugh idk. I had to make a choice and I had to choose the group of people I feel comfortable with over the group of people I'm only tied to because of Corey. It was shitty all around. I'm sorry Corey, I know you're going to be mad at me but asdfkjhf fuck i love u :((( god im shit. okaythat was actually kind of crazy tho and I'm honestly a little happy it went down like that? two idols OUT OF HERE! and that ian idol couldve been so fucked up later on. matt's idol gone got me happy af too. I feel closer with timmy and maynor after this round and hopefully matt knows he cann trust me for not blowin up on him about his HIDDEN IDOL!!!! madison and I got closer a little this vote too. I'm glad she was on the same page as me. It's a little awkward to deal with the aftermath of devon and ian. especially with corey or cullan coming back.... cullan I can deal with but corey not so much. thats gonna suck. i still got my idol i still got my tiebreaker and a threat is still leaving either way. but now when the pieces rearrange next vote I gotta work hard to pull them together in my favor. kjDFHSKJSF goooooooooooooooooooooooood idk. that wa swild. i said at tribal that the game was gonna blow up soon. maybe i should be careful what I wish for nxt time lmao

Oh... WIG guess this tribal popped the hell awf. At the time of my last confessional I had no intention of playing my idol, but things were just so tense and quiet that I knew it should be done, but boy did I not know how badly it needed to be. Now I’m more scared than ever with like 3 pissed off people and all the eyes on me for having a secret idol. Guess it’s time for everyone to stop playing quiet, easy games, and time to go the heck crazy.

Annnnnd that was the worst possible outcome from that round. I inadvertently idol'd out my closest ally. My game could potentially be over, this very well be my first ever double digit placement in the 9 orgs I have played, but if I'm going out then it's not before I do the only move I got left. I've shared all my information I have been sitting on about Owen/Kait and by extension Matt, how they are aligned with Thomas and Madison. All I can do is let the others make informed decisions on how they think this game can be played best for them. If they choose to let the power team continue to run it for them then that's their prerogative. It's all I have left. At the very least I didn't go home with an idol in my pocket and I didn't burn it without needing to use it.

So last night, I wanted to die after the votes became 0-0. Me and Timmy had a 1/3 shot of going home but we some how managed to get zero votes against us. I felt really bad about voting for Corey. He was someone i really liked and was working with but we got to different sides. Now ian has some interesting info that Owen and Kait are part of an alliance with Thomas & Madison and also had devon and corey. Idk which side they are most loyal to because they sided with us this time but they could easily flip to other side if they wanted to. I need to keep an eye on them thats for sure.

---

What the hell, 11 idols in play!? Like this twist is crazy. I want and need to find my idol. There is no excuse. I really need it to make sure im here after tribal. Like idk care who its getting votes as long as im safe.

I have so many feelings on this immunity challenge. Mainly I'm pissed because I don't have an idol clue because I got second so technically I didn't bite Chips so he didn't get a clue for me which sucks because like people like me I guess so I'm pretty much punished for that. As a result it could be easy to vote for me since I have a disadvantage in finding my idol since I don't have the clue. I'm scared because of that since what I learned after last tribal is spicy (and i'll make another confessional about that tomorrow) so I don't even know what to do at tribal and I'm just hoping it's not me. But I didn't give Thomas his clue so hopefully that will help me since he won't know where to look either so that's an advantage for me because I have absolutely no reason to give him his clue, we don't talk. I'm not going to help someone else while subsequently actively hurting myself. At times I also want to try looking at spots for other people to try and get their idol so I know that they won't have it...but that's just a maybe.

---

I’m heated and I can’t even do much about it because of the nature of this round. Kait, Owen, and Matt think their sitting so pretty and I’m fucking sick of it. Here I thought I was doing well and hearing shit about them and now seeing it first hand is ridiculous. Owen is kind of slipping up with that trio and here’s why. Owen told me that kait and Matt found their idols, so I messaged both of them asking how their hunt is going. Kait hasn’t answered yet but Matt says “If I get up at 9am and guess every hour I’ll find it” because he’s “figured out the math”. Bitch i already know you have it and now you’re just lying to my face. Like we’re in an alliance together but I guess that doesn’t mean shit to you. I’m assuming Owen even probably has his idol and is lying to me. I feel so stuck because i can’t make a move this round due to the idols, but I’m probably going this round due to not having a fucking idol clue because of the bullshit this challenge was.

---

OH OH KAIT JUST ANSWERED “no luck lol I suck” WOWOWOW AND SHE HAD EVEN SAID SHE WOULD HELP ME FIND MINE. Fucking fake people i can’t stand them.

THIS WHOLE IDOL THING GOT ME CRACKT OUT MY MIND LMAOOOOOO HSKSHDJDJDHD FORST OF ALL!!!!!!! I hate that tommy gave immunity to chips and not Timmy. Why wouldn’t tommy pick someone more likely to give him his clue????? Ugh. SECOND OF ALL. Literally fuck madison and Maynor for giving Devon and Ian their clues. What the fuck were they actually thinking !?!?!?!? Everyone with a clue is gonna find their idol unless they’re stupid or someone else finds it first so like.... idk I genuinely don’t get it. I think Maynor just wasn’t thinking and madison was tryna be social with Devon idek. I’m mad about it and it makes me want madison outta here. Not Maynor tho bc he’s precious and I luv him. Third thing why does Devon think I’m going to believe any guess he sends me nnnnnnn like he sent me matt and Kait random coordaintes that apparently weren’t it. I replied to Devon being like ‘e9 is miss too hehe’ and then realized I shouldn’t tell him where I’m searching and panicked and sent ‘omg typo meant r9 oops!’ Hskshdjdjdh Fourth KAIT FOUND MT IDOL SHSHDHD AND THEN WOULDNT GIVE UT TO ME AND I ACCIDENTSLLTNPOSTED ABOUT IT IN THE TEIBE CHAG AND KEPT IT THERE FOR A MINUTE IM SO STUPID. Literally started crying after. I’m like I can’t velieve I did that but if only my roommate hadn’t woken me up singing I’d still be ASLEEO RN AND NOT FUCKING UP. Or if Kait had just Given ME!!!! Oh my god like I’m rlly embarrassed and if they didn’t know Kait and I were tight before they sure do now! Tommy and Timmy are the only ones without clues. It’s kinda fucked that chips didn’t get a clue for Timmy grrrr. I rlly don’t want either of them to go but if I gotta I guess it needs to be Thomas. But I can tell Kait wants thomasnto stay....

---

God I love when the dumb bitch disease flares up

Having idol make me happy, but I’m probably gonna end up losing a number, that being either Thomas or Timmy. I can’t even figure out who I want to go out of those two and I hope maybe Ian doesn’t have his? It’s very strange trying to come down from the last vote without really having the chance to vote anyone besides who’s available.

Honestly this challenge probably could not have come at a better time, just about everyone has their idol so people feel more free to talk since we're all "safe" but if Timmy goes instead of Thomas my game could still be in trouble. The beauty of this round for me is that I planted the seeds about Owen/Kait/Madison/Thomas alliance before the challenge even began, then they played it out exactly how they would and Timmy at least took notice. Timmy has become woke, that's why I absolutely need him to stay, I can't say for sure if Chips is on the wavelength but Maynor seems to be since he shared my clue, albeit late, but he did. I could still end up tenth but if that alliance burns to the ground then I have done what I needed to in this game. I also talked things over with Mateo, we might work together down the line, we might not. At the very least I expressed why I felt we had beef at the beginning of merge and that I was willing to turn a new leaf with him.

So this is a crazy round obviously. I really think the trio approach really helped but finding all those idols myself was crazy. Still don’t feel safe in this game for now, going to be a crazy night.

I’m so stressed!!! Like I don’t want to go home on a twist round, that already happened in Virgin Islands, like been there done that already. I have Thomas’ idol so I know he doesn’t have it, thank god. People are saying their voting Thomas, but I have no reason to believe them bc they have been lying to me so much. I only trust maynor so if I see after the season that he was lying to me...I’m going to be hurt, like genuinely hurt for a while because he knows how much I trust him. These past 2 rounds have been taxing on my stability and I want to make a move but with the nature of this round, i can’t.

There were barely any vote talk this round. I found my idol and Im playing it on myself. Im trying to find Timmy’s we only have 2 more guesses. Thomas is the target this round which okay with me because he hasnt been talking to me all that much so dont think he’ll be a good ally moving forward. This round has been not chaptic like last round.

So this vote has a lot for me to cover. Last time, I was voted out alongside Corey. However, after a 3 1/2 hour endurance challenge, I fought my way back into the game with an idol and a legacy only the jury know about! Coming back into the game there was a challenge which chips won immunity. There was also a twist where everyone had to search the grid for their own idols where I found mine and will be immune at tonight’s vote. From what I know, Thomas does not have his idol therefore will be the person I am voting for and hopefully he goes home and I don’t get blindsided again

in a shocking turn of events...... i love tommy so much i'm so sad at the prospect of him leaving.

Well I am very fucking pissed at the moment. Timmy wanted to keep the fucking idol clue away from me and I wasn't able to find a fucking idol. Now I am going to be going home because of it. I just got to get this off my chest, THIS SEASON HAS BEEN SHITTY! I love traditional Survivor gameplay and stuff like the warzone and the everyone gets an idol twist like Oprah gives everyone a car twist is unnecessary. Like what the fuck! I've been in several ORGs but, no offense to Alyssa, Johnny, and Monty, this has been the worse ORG I have been apart of. I was able to meet Kait, Maynor and Chloe but those were the only posituve things from this ORG aside from a few challenge ideas I got for my ORG. That is it. Peace y'all.

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years ago

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dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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tsekooh · 8 years ago

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bet yall want yet ANOTHER post with 150 things about yours truly!!! buckle up!!!!!!!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

hghgkjhjsjkhkjsdghjkgs

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy!!! but i can be really outgoing i think? if i have One thing i want to work towards i will do it (college doesnt count shhshhshs)

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

MEG!!! HOLY SHIT I CANT WAIT TO SEE HER

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i.. hope so!! i dont hate anyone

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

she’d do her best for being in australia

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

do i.......have a type?

all my friends are gay

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

OF COURSE

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

i only have like 2 o/g friends so i thought abt jace right away

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

only if serious/about real ppl or me

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

meg LOL

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“SARCASM IS KEY i would know im the sarcasm queen”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

eeeehhh

-shelter / porter robinson

-honey / magic man

-find a way / safetysuit

-collect call / metric

-wildfire / marianas trench

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

ABSOLUTELY

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

YES BC I HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE (picks up meg)

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i saw rina!!!! i love them ;;

and i met meg after that!!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

yes

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

LMAO NO i thought i was straight

but if we’re talking abt an actual crush then ... rarely?

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yes!!

20. Do you like your neighbors?

dont know them

21. What are you bad habits?

nail biting

22. Where would you like to travel?

australia...

japan w meg ccoUGH

23. Do you have trust issues?

EHHHHHHHH only w ppl i have a reason not to trust?

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

saying good morning to meg

playing games!! drawing!! talking 2 people

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

stomach

26. What do you do when you wake up?

-turn alarm off and brightness down bc its 11pm and fucking blinds me

-skim notifications to make a mental note of who i need 2 reply 2

-unlock phone and say good morning to meg

-shower / eat

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

my skin tone is so awkward....its hard 2 say cause anything doesnt match my hair

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

meg/jace/toby/ren

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

i dont have like...........any real exes LOL

30. Do you ever want to get married?

LMAO I CANT IMAGINE IT only bc if i introduced my wife 2 someone i would literally say “this is my girlfriend- i mean wife”

idc abt marriage like id be down but its not like........Essential 2 a rs

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yep

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

sasuke

33. Spell your name with your chin.

im too lazy to move my head

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

im exercise my stress level in splatoon

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yep

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothingsfhdsghjk

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

shes cute and plays video games with me and she loves me and never lets me forget that also her name is meg

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

i love. target.

40. What do you want to do after high school?

LMAO so ive been out of school for a year so... i did want to go to college bt my mom wont let me so im just gonna move countries

Bye Bich

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

yes..........at least if the harm was done to me.....

unless ur my mom/step dad/dad

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im dissociating/have nothing 2 say

43. Do you smile at strangers?

i try not to look at ppl

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

OCEAN

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

meg

46. What are you paranoid about?

47. Have you ever been high?

barely secondhand

48. Have you ever been drunk?

L O L

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

i have no secrets

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

green

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

sometimes but then i think i might be straight and im happy w who i am

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

my disgusting social skills

53. Favourite makeup brand?

eyeliner idc abt brand

54. Favourite store?

amiami .. or target

55. Favourite blog?

softsuke is like my fave mutual theyre p chill

56. Favourite colour?

PINK

57. Favourite food?

SPAGHETTI or chicken

58. Last thing you ate?

...spaghetti

59. First thing you ate this morning?

.........spaghetti

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i never win

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope tho im surprised

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope!

63. Ever been in love?

yeah... (looks @ meg) (coughs)

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

idr i think it was spin the bottle and i kissed 2 people and i was like 16?

anyway that was my first and last HGJKSGHDUIFJAL

65. Are you hungry right now?

nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

all my friends r my real friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

both

69. Are you watching tv right now?

nope

70. Names of your bestfriends?

meg / jace / laura / ren / toby / rina

71. Craving something? What?

2 be w meg gggghhj

72. What colour are your towels?

orange!

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

2/3 maybe 4

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yea

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

AT LEAST 40

75. Favourite animal?

HYENA

76. What colour is your underwear?

pink

dont say anything

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

.........vanilla

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

green jacket

80. What colour pants?

pink plaid pj pants (so rn i look like a fucking disaster)

81. Favourite tv show?

NARUTO

82. Favourite movie?

mmmm... the road to eldorado!

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

never watched 21js

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

i lov the goth girl and the gay guy i forget names

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dory

87. First person you talked to today?

meg

88. Last person you talked to today?

meg

89. Name a person you hate?

mom

90. Name a person you love?

meg

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

mom

92. In a fight with someone?

nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

idk LOL

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

A LOT

95. Last movie you watched?

UHH.. digimon movie i think?

96. Favourite actress?

emma watson is sooooooooooooooooooooo pretty

97. Favourite actor?

idk (spins a wheel) chris pratt

98. Do you tan a lot?

never

99. Have any pets?

my gma has a bunch of cats

100. How are you feeling?

TIRED I REGRET DOING THIS

101. Do you type fast?

NOT FAST ENOUGH

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

LOL YEAH

103. Can you spell well?

most of the time

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

i burned a wacom tablet once

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

i hope not

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yes

108. What should you be doing?

uhhh... nothing that i know of

109. Is something irritating you right now?

nope

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

haaehuhsghsu

111. Do you have trust issues?

I ALREADY ANSWERED THIS

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

grandma/sister one of the two

.......DAMN THAT WAS RLY LONG AGO

113. What was your childhood nickname?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

SPLATOON BABY

116. Are you listening to music right now?

im listening to shiny rn.......from moana......(quiet cough)

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

118. Do you like Chinese food?

ehh

119. Favourite book?

my name is riley, im 19, and i dont know how to fucking read

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

not if i know where i am

121. Are you mean?

i hope not

122. Is cheating ever okay?

stop

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

shrugs

125. Do you believe in true love?

YES

126. Are you currently bored?

lil bit

127. What makes you happy?

meg and all my friends i love u all

and games

128. Would you change your name?

legally, yes,

im working on that

129. What your zodiac sign?

capricorn

130. Do you like subway?

not rly but sometimes i crave it for some stupid reason

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

THIS WOULDNT HAPPEN

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

ALREADY ANSWERED THIS

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

my brain cannot process this question right now

134. Can you count to one million?

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

fk if i know

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

CLOSED

137. How tall are you?

5′4′’

138. Curly or Straight hair?

straight

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

winter

141. Night or Day?

night

142. Favourite month?

december

143. Are you a vegetarian?

semi

the only meat i eat is poultry

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee

146. Was today a good day?

so far!! yea

147. Mars or Snickers?

neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?

dont look back youre not going that way

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

lil bit

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

NO FK THAT IM DONE BYE

#quiz thing #if u actually read these holy shit kudos

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