#you were the loss of my life (these specific post canon fics)

[blueraine]

feeling grief over deleted fanfiction

side note: i know the andi mack fandom is fully dead by now but if anyone has any idea how to get dumb binch juice andi mack fics after they deleted their account please please send them to me i need them very much

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

July 13th

~*~

1. it's been a while since I read this fic but it's set during the sunshot campaign and wwx jc jzx and lwj all develop some sort of bond and can share powers/cores(?) I don't remember if the golden core transfer happened. they can bring each other back to life (though I think there's some sort of time limit to it?) that they first discover when wwx was killed (I believe)

FOUND!🔒🧡 Song by WithBroomBefore (T, 41k, Platonic Soulbond, Hurt/comfort, Canon Divergence, No golden core transfer, JC&JZX stay in Xuanwu cave, Fix-it, Temporary character death)

~*~

2. Thank you for this blog. I am looking for a fic that I read a few years ago, focused on Lan Sizhui. I think the pairing was ZhuiLing or else it was focused on Lan Sizhui, Lan Jingyi, and Jin Ling in some combination. They were still cultivators, Lan Sizhui was a monster/tentacle monster/eldritch kind of creature when he wasn't in human form and the Lan clan helped keep this secret. I think it was because he was a Wen but I don't remember the exact explanatiom now. It was a bit long, as I think it had some chapters, and the juniors were still cultivators who went on night hunts and trained. I liked seeing how the slight change from the original universe was used. I've searched several ways in ao3 and have not been able to find it again yet. @mejomonster

FOUND? sounds like "Lurking" by Verse, but they deleted all their mdzs fics. It may exist on the wayback machine.

~*~

3. Hi!!! I was hoping you'd find this wangxian fic:

It was a Jonh Carter AU(? yes that Disney movie about Mars) Like Lan Zhan is from Helium and Wei Ying is a Thark. I think is listed as explicit and top Wei Wuxian... not sure about other tags... The Summary might be vague and say something along the lines of Lan Zhan doing a trip and encountering a stranger (Wei Wuxian) I've tried to search it but there's just so many fics!

I hope it's still up 😭😭 Thank you so much before hand! @nat-first-account

~*~

4. Love this blog it always helps me find my next fic. I need help finding a fic where lan wanjai and Wei ying find a baby and they make jokes that Wei ying dreamed about it and got pregnant. But than a ton of woman start saying that man Shan got them pregnant through dreams.

FOUND? Taking Responsibility by deliciousblizzardshark (T, 6k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Getting Together, Trope Subversion/Inversion, Pretend mpreg, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Fluff and Crack)

~*~

5. Hi! I’m looking for a specific Wangxian fic. The Lan sect is full of monks and LWJ is a monk assigned to protect WWX on his journey to get something for Jin Guangshan. WWX is one of the best archers and that’s why he’s specifically sent on the quest to hunt something down. LWJ falls in love with WWX on their quest and near/at the climax they run into a sage who almost kills WWX. Can you help me find this fic? Sorry if this has been asked before! @whompmwhomp

FOUND? Climb Every Mountain by athena_crikey (E, 21k, WangXian, Magic, Warrior Monks, Archery, h/c, Quests, Bodyguard, vow of celebacy, Temptation, (sexual) frustration, Falling In Love, Loss of Virginity, First Time, LWJ's self-selected repression, the inherent eroticism of WWX)

~*~

6. heyy! i'm currently trying to find a fic where wwx came back to the cloud recesses all beaten up and has his mouth sewed shut, the fic is basically focused on him recovering with nie huaisang and others getting revenge. i think in the end, it was sect leader yao who did it? thanks!

FOUND? Silenced by Tasharene (M, 63k, WangXian, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Temporary Blindness, Aversion to touch, Fear of crowds, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, WWX Whump, Hurt WWX, Whump, Angst with a Happy Ending, world-class troll LXC, see the archive Warnings BEFORE you accuse me of not tagging things!!!)

~*~

7. hii im looking for a wangxian fic where a phoenix god/spirit(?) has lived many lives. he chose his next life to be human and he reincarnated as wei wuxian. some big event happens that leads to him being kept in i think the cold pond cave and theres barriers that only lan wangji can go through. its definitely not a 2024 fic and im betting on it not being 2023 either. youre my last hope </3 thank you in advance

FOUND? 🔒 Breathing Firestorm by ladyshadowdrake (M, 110k, wangxian, angst, fluff, captivity, creepy WRH, no non-con, dreamsharing, politics, people making the best decisions they can, epic length, mythical creature WWX, canon-typical violence, dark, happy ending) I haven't read this but 7 sounds like the summary of breathing firestorm

~*~

8. Hi! I need your help once sgain. Because once again I thought I had this fic bookmarked, but can't find it, and my Google-fu has failed too, so here goes: x number of years ago, Wei Ying and the Wen Remnants vanished from the Burial Mounds. Lan Zhan has never stopped searching for Wei Ying. There are strange rumors everywhere that WY & the others are in a resentment-filled no man's land (kind of like the void in the Shadow & Bone novel) where huge deadly monsters roam. Word is also that people who really need help have safely disappeared into this void. As time passes, rumors of strange cultivators suddenly appearing to aid people are also circulating. And I think Lan Zhan actually meets Xiao Xingchen in an inn at one point & it's clear he knows Wri Ying (he & Song Lan turn out to be Wei Ying's right-hand men). LZ does try to get into the void thing, but the energy is too strong & he barely makes it out of the area. After a number of years they get a message out of the blue, i think, from WY saying that the monsters are getting out, and WY ends up bringing the Wei Sect back to the cultivation world to help fight. Wei Ying will have nothing to say or do with Lan Zhan, at least to start, which Lan Zhan is devestated by. Um...and Lan Yuan is there, grown up & still the Best Boy ever. I think A-Yuan tirns out to be a Gusu Lan fanboy. Anyway, it turns out Wei Ying created a ghost path that allows the Wei Sect to safely use resentful energy. But you find out WY got too damaged back in the beginning and by the end they defeat the monsters but he's dying, so Lan Zhan gives Wei ying his golden core. I think LZ actually does the whole transfer himself in the Jingshi.

Your help is hugely appreciated!

FOUND! 💖 Echo, Murmur, Dream, Here by bluerainmist (M, 51k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Universe Alteration, the yiling patriarch survives, Angst with a Happy Ending, Catharsis, Slow Burn, Drama, Getting Together, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Melancholy, Love, Mutual Pining, Reunions, Love Confessions, Eventual Smut, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, Switching, Grief/Mourning, fucking while pining, Implied/Referenced Torture, Self-Harm, golden core transfer, Playing fast and loose with worldbuilding, Battle Scenes, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, implied / Referenced suicide attempt, Sect Leader WWX, YLLZ WWX, Yílíng Wèi Sect)

~*~

9. I found a fic where the sect leader Yao travels through time and fixes things. as far as I remember the title. I was going to read the fic but I missed it @quwieiidkd

FOUND? 🔒 how Yao Yongzheng traveled back in time to save everyone by ShippersList (T, 6k, Sect Leader Yao & WWX, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Time Travel Fix-It, Crack Treated Seriously, WWX is a Yao, Eventual WangXian, saving the world by accident, Genius WWX, Everyone Loves WWX, sect leader Yao is every overconfident underqualified middle-aged cishet man ever)

~*~

10. Hii!! I'm searching for wangxian fanfic I read long ago and don't remember it's name. Wei ying and lan zhan are married at the cold pond and due to misunderstanding they don't acknowledge their marriage until the cliff scene. Where lan zhan follows after wei ying and fall down but they are saved by lan an and baosharan. After which they don't return to cultivation world and stay hidden for 16 yrs and has 3 kids(1 girl and 2 boys). Also, jin zixuan does not die and same with Jiang yanli but they lie to wangxian and have war and blame wei ying. After 16 yrs all sect leaders are threatened by meng Yao and to save themselves they stay with wangxian. Also, wen Qing family is also alive. @jungkookswife07613

Hii! Sorry but this is not the fiction I'm searching for. Can you try again?

The story starts from the cliff scene and wei ying remember all the things he had done with lan zhan. Also,lan zhan follows after wei ying and fall down the cliff and they are saved by baosharan and lan an. The elders also saved wen family and they lived in some place for 16 yrs in peace. With wangxian children which he gave birth to. Ayuan is eldest,followed by girl who is half blind and last son who is quiet. Ayuan goes outside and falls into some troubles and all sects(jin,Jiang,lan,nie) were present there including jin zixuan and Jiang yanli with their son because they were chased by meng Yao. He wanted to kill all of them. Wangxian comes their to save Ayuan and they get saved in the process. They got some cursed so Ayuan request wangxian to let them stay in their house until their cursed is solved.they stay in their house and yanli tries to connect with wei wuxian but he doesn't. Wen Ning is also married. Also, wangxian are immortal. Wei ying form is crow which he uses to spy on his son for safety reasons. Also, lan xichen repents himself and tries to make amends and connect with the kids. Lan zhan is also trying to connect with his family. Also, that Jiang family is a bit#h (bitch), cheng verbally abuses wei wuxian at any chance he gets and yanli only knows to cry. Same with lan qiren,he is still the same. Nice mingjue is still alive but he also already got cursed. I don't know about lan zhan. I didn't read after because it was not completed.

NOT FOUND!🔒These Things Unseen by bonyenne (T, 34k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Found Family, POV Alternating, Mutual Pining, Kid Fic, Additional Warnings In Author's Note) well, the first half the the description, the rest doesn't match. but i'll leave the link in case original requester is thinking of two different fics b/c the first half (with the three kids and rescue by bssr) is a pretty close match

NOT FOUND!🔒Blossoming flowers in a full moon - 花好月圆 by ThisIsWhereTheMagicHappens (T, 64k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Happy Ending, Fix-It of Sorts, make LWJ happy agenda, wangxian cuddle to Immortality)

FOUND! If It's Too Hard To Forgive by Machevalli (M, 94k, WIP, WangXian, XuanLi, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Fluff and Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Yunmeng Jiang Sect Bashing, WWX Leaves the Yunmeng Jiang Sect, Top LWJ/Bottom WWX, Mpreg)

~*~

11. After being a long time lurker I finally found myself needing your aid. The fic I lost track of was an A/B/O fic that had omega!LWJ & alpha!WWX. It was a modern AU, but I can't remember much that would help narrow down this fic other than I know there was an age gap, with LWJ being older than WWX. Thank you so much for your help!

FOUND? The Ties That Bind by silverclaw (G, 43k, wangxian, A/B/O, Arranged Marriage, Modern, Alpha WWX, Omega LWJ, past toxic relationship, Slow Burn, husbandiest of husband material WWX, mention of mpreg in relation to side-character, hurt LWJ, WWX falls first AND harder, No Smut)

FOUND? To Belong, To You by mk404 (E, 44k, WangXian, JYL/JZX, JL/LJY, WIP, A/B/O, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Alpha JL, Alpha LXC, Alpha LSZ, Beta LJY, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mpreg, Modern with Magic, like they still go night hunting, But also its the 21 century, WWX doesn't die but goes into a coma, Age Difference, Older LWJ, Younger WWX, a-yuan is their bby, Age difference but like they are both adults, Like adults adults, Mates, Ass Play, Ass to Mouth, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Nipple Play, Nipple Licking, Finger Sucking, Knotting, Creampie, Size Kink, Size Difference, YLLZ WWX, Size Queen WWX, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation, Canon Divergence, Male Lactation) the description is a little vague so it doesnt really narrow it down

~*~

12. Hi!! Do you know anything abt a modern au fic were lwj thinks wwx is in a relationship with someone called "a-yuan" and is kinda a jerk abt it but then it's revealed that wwx was never dating anyone but that a-yuan was his child. Sorry if this is kinda vague it's been awhile since I've read this fic 😅 (great blog btw) @imreallyonthishellsite

FOUND? 🔒 breathe in the air, the last of its kind by wereworm (T, 27k, WangXian, Modern, assumed cheating, Miscommunication, gc transfer modernised as hand-wavey illness (referenced/implied), 5+1 Things, wwx's lil family 3.0: the wens, wwx didn't adopt a-yuan the wens adopted wwx, lwj is a flawed person and people need to stop ignoring that, Translation Available, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian)

FOUND? Green Is The Colour by lamusadelils (T, 2k, WangXian, Modern, A/B/O, Office, Omega LWJ, Alpha WWX, Jealous LWJ, casanova WWX, Or Is he?, Humor) I think I'm a bit late but I just found an alternative to 12

~*~

13. Help me wangxianficfinder, you're my only hope!

I would swear I bookmarked this one but I can't find it anywhere!

It's a modern au where LWJ and WWX are college students. Iirc they are already in a relationship.

Iirc it opens with WWX and LWJ in a wrecked car which is possibly half hanging off a bridge - they'd been run off the road (though that's not established until later).

When the emergency services arrive, LWJ is taken to hospital but WWX is arrested for some bullshit reason - resisting arrest or something. Iirc the cops on the scene were Jin Zixun and Xue Yang.

There is worry from LWJ's family because they don't know what happened to WWX. Just that he was in the car and he should be in the hospital but isn't.

Later, WWX is in an interrogation room not making much sense because he's injured and hypothermic (it's winter and he was soaked through but he wasn't allowed to even dry off) then he gets left on his own.

I *think* he was tracked down by police (chief?) NMJ who got to WWX shortly before his heart stopped due to his injuries, the hypothermia, and the mistreatment while in custody.

That's all I can remember. Does this ring any bells for anyone? @greywake

Yep, looks like that's the fic I was after 😭

I don't suppose anyone has a copy downloaded?

FOUND! I found a link in another site in tumblr but i can't find the fic. Truth or There by FRecklis be well :) / The suggestion for 13 is available via the Wayback Machine here: Follow up on the Wayback Machine link for 13: it looks like only the first chapter was archived 😭

~*~

14. Hi! This is for the fic finder. I'm looking for a fic where WWX takes A-Yuan and flees the Siege on burial mounts. He heads towards the ocean and meets XXC and SL, who travel in the same direction. He gives them a fake name and they eventually get to a seaside town where XXC and SL have a house that they offer WWX to stay in. I think in the last few chapters NHS found out he was there and WWX started to teach some town children (well, teenagers) so that the town has more protection and he doesn't have to use demonic cultivation.

I meant to suggest this fic in the ITMF on the 27. June but I can't find it for the life of me. Thank you in advance for helping me look for it! @hikato-chan

~*~

15. Hello everyone, I come again looking for your help. This fic is an au of Harry Potter, or at least contains elements of it. I'm sure it's just one chapter and it's about Lan Wangji being cursed as a rabbit in the middle of his class, Wei Wuxian has a small bout of madness that involves torturing the spell caster because he thinks LWJ was killed in his presence (there's a mention that Jiang Wanyin was scared and didn't look him in the eye for a while, I think) until Lan Qiren pulls Bunji out of the fallen clothes. The curse is broken with a kiss of true love. As always, thank you very much for your time and effort. @makolashida

~*~

16. I’m looking for this fic where Wwx is dead and while dead his (memories?) are shown to the cultivation world and when Wwx comes back everyone (or most people) consider him a good person. I believe in the description of this fic the Wwx that comes back this world is a different one from the one who dies in that universe. I also remember a scene in the fic where Wwx is overhearing people passing by talking about the compass he invented and he swore he named it something different, or he named something differently. This scene may not be in this fic but I swore there was a scene about Lán Xichen begging WWx for forgiveness for Jin guangyao actions

FOUND? remind me of this fic Have You Heard Of The Yiling Patriach by R_PONTS. But i think its deleted? Wei Wuxian is not strong, or at the very least his brute strength is not something he take prides in as much as his speed and flexibility, but those can only get you so far, and when going against stronger enemy, your mind is your trump card. Or, Wei Wuxian develop a time traveling array during the Sunshot Campaign in case everything went wrong but forgot about it after. It was during the Siege that people have disturb it along with Some other experimental talismans and truths was revealed a little to late.Wei Wuxian woke up in a world different from what he remembers.

amalthia said: well, the first half the the description, the rest doesn't match. but i'll leave the link in case original requester is thinking of two different fics b/c the first half (with the three kids and rescue by bssr) is a pretty close match

FOUND? scatter and sunder by silversshadow (T, 15k, JYL/JZX, wangxian, major character death, canon divergence, temporary character death) the first half of the request sounds like a perfect fit for scatter and sunder by silversshadow It doesn't have a seen with the misnamed compass but does have LXC begging for forgiveness

~*~

17. HI, Im looking for a fic where i believe it was a kidfic? A yuan was adopted by lan zhan? There was a scene where lwjs car broke down in a snow storm and wwwx drove his old car to save them. Lol i cant remember much else. Pls help

FOUND? love thy neighbor by wincechesters (M, 7k, WangXian , Modern AU, Neighbors, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Single Parents, Single Parent LWJ) not exactly snowstorm, but there's a scene in 'love thy neighbor' when lwj's car broke down in winter and wwx rescues him and a-yuan with his old, loud car.

~*~

18. Hello, wonderful people! Thank you for your hard work! Can you please help me find this fic? It's wangxian and either xiyao or 3zun. What I remember is at some point Jin Guangyao did something to contradict his father I think so in punishment he was thrown to some abandoned mine. Lan bros, Nie Mingjue and Wei Wuxian were searching for him and WWX said he will use the spirits of the dead for the search. Others disagreed but he said that JGY doesn't have much time since it was really cold in the mine for someone without a good golden core. At this point LWJ started to suspect WWX doesn't have one, I think. Does this ring any bells? Thank you in advance! @themorrana

FOUND! Aftermath by KouriArashi (T, 57k, JYL/JZX, wangxian, LXC/JGY, JZX & JGY, JYL & WXX, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Everybody Lives, Romance, Developing Relationship, Family, Sibling Bonding, Light Angst, Politics, Attempted Sexual Assault, some murder on occasion, People talking about their feelings, processing their trauma, The good shit) Jin Guangshan dies at the beginning of the story, but the part with the mine happens at the end.

~*~

19. Hello! For the next fic finder I have a fic i would love to get found.

It’s Wangxian.

And I think it was time travel but I’m not too sure. It might not have been, I’m 90 % sure it was in the cloudless days though.

Anyway the only thing I really remember is that wwx tells lwj that the older disciples used to make him drink with them when he was younger, like he started young around 12 I think?

He mentioned to lwj that it took around two bottles of wine to get him drunk and that usually he didn’t have to drink that much around his year mates as they got passed out drunk pretty quickly.

I also remember lwj or someone telling him that his golden core had burned away the alcohol the entire time. Which had put it under some kind of strain I think?

I would be really grateful if you guys could help me find it. @ravenwithwings

FOUND!🔒 The Second Hand Unwinds by trulywicked (E, 64k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, WIP, Graphic Depictions of Violence, Time Travel Fix-It, Not JC Friendly, Not Yunmeng Jiang Sect Friendly, Not Jiāng Family Friendly, Not YZY Friendly, Time Travelling LWJ, Protective LWJ, Fluff, Minor Angst, Minor Character Death, JGS is his own warning, Wooing, LWJ is romantic af, Inventor WWX, Genius WWX, Cloud Recesses Study Arc, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Protective Gusu Lan Sect, Supportive LXC, Good Uncle LQR, WWX Protection Squad)

~*~

20. Hiii!! I’m trying to find this one fic. I never read it but the summary was intriguing. Wangxian are in a relationship but they both think the other is asexual (neither of them are). I think it was in a modern universe but i’m not completely sure. Been trying to find it for hoursssss

FOUND? Pounding Madly by Dei_Starr (DeiStarr), DeiStarr (E, 11k, WangXian, WIP, Car Accidents, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Hospitalization, Roommates, Boarding School, Teenagers, Adults, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Celibacy, Abstinence, Asexual Relationship, Where Neither Of Them Is Actually Asexual, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Attempt at Humor, Angst and Fluff, Eventual Smut, First Time, Loss of Virginity, No Underage Sex, It's Plot Relevant I Swear, Demisexuality, Demisexual WWX, Asexuality Spectrum, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Communication Failure, Lack of Communication, Everyone Else Is Very Entertained, Epic Fail, Comedy of Errors, Romantic Comedy, Slow Burn, The Romance Is Fast, But The Sex Takes Years, Sex Is Not The Enemy, this is what happens when, Mr. "I Talk A Lot But Don't Really Say A Thing" & Mr. "'Mn' Is A Full Sentence" Get Together, Casting Couch, Corset, Gender Non-Conforming WWX, Crossdressing Kink, Crossdressing WWX, Seduction, Body Worship, Hand Jobs, Sexual Roleplay, Cock Warming, Mirror Sex, Intercrural Sex, Nipple Play, Oblivious WangXian, WWX Has a Breeding Kink, LWJ Has a Big Dick, Gay Sex, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, First Time Blow Jobs, Lingerie, LWJ is Bad at Communicating, WWX is a Mess, LWJ is a Panicked Gay, Horny LWJ, Horny WWX, Idiots in Love, POV LWJ, POV WWX, Human Disaster WWX, WWX is a Tease, WWX Has ADHD) I was trying to find the car accident fic someone else mentioned, and I think I found the one 20's looking for instead! I also haven't read it, but the summary matches!

~*~

[sitp-recs]

HP Rec Fest, Day 30

Here we come with more @hprecfest! Today I’m only reccing rare pairs since I couldn’t think of any pre-canon Drarry fics 🤔 I wonder if canon divergent / canon rewrite applies?? I don’t read them often either way, so I figured this would be a good opportunity to boost lesser known fics. I think this is my favorite rec post for the fest so far - there’s something so poetic in reccing these two specific fics alongside each other since Little Compton Street verse was my first (unforgettable, devastating) contact with Prongsfoot and 5 years later here I am reading them again - this time welcoming the pain. More embarrassing emosh blabbing below!

Day 30) a pre-canon fic:

empire builders by shecrows (James/Sirius, E, 25k)

Say, James, he rehearses in his head. Remember that time we were both roaring drunk at the end of term, and you put your cock in my mouth, and I came so hard I still get tingly thinking about it? Was that just a one off, d’you think, or did you want to do it again sometime?

Prongsfoot my beloved 😭😭😭 sometimes I feel like I’ll never feel as strongly about a ship as I feel for them which sounds so crazy because I don’t even read it! or, well. after being utterly ruined by Winter of ‘79 (curiously a fic within LCS verse as mentioned below) I promised myself I wouldn’t look for this ship anymore bc the inevitable tragedy of it depressed me way too much. I locked them away in a secret space deep within my heart and only allowed myself to re-awaken those feelings this year, with the brilliant empire builders. what a fic! a few lines in and I was hooked and completely obsessed with Sirius’ unbelievably spot on voice, the peak friends to lovers dynamics, and the unbearable sexual tension mixing guilt and devotion (my favorite shippy combo btw). fuck, they are so young and so lovable, and so attuned to each other it makes me wanna cry. never before a 25k fic has felt so short, I’ve read it in a frenzy and couldn’t stop thinking about their love for days. the best word to describe my state after this fic is “tormented” which might as well be the best compliment I’ve ever given in a rec.

Play Me Like A Love Song by @writcraft (Minerva/Will, E, 67k)

Minerva McGonagall doesn’t believe in love at first sight, which is why her instant attraction to drag king Wilhelmina ("Will") Grubbly-Plank is so unexpected. War tears apart the wizarding world and as one battle ends Minerva and Will must fight once more, this time for the lives of their friends on Little Compton Street. A love story spanning five decades defined by music, laughter and tears, in which love is not always easy, but it’s always worth fighting for.

truly a masterpiece of lesbian fiction, this fic is more like a religious experience, bold, brutally honest, romantic, eye-opening and necessary. I never thought I’d care so much for a ship like Will & Minerva but they worked their way inside my heart and I’m deeply moved by how their story encompasses everything that’s inherent to the queer experience: love, loss, resistance and hope. there’s so much joy and grief walking hand by hand, and it is our privilege to watch the characters mature and experience life as individuals and as a couple. Writ crafts oh so thoughtfully two stunning character studies (Minerva’s voice omg, please don’t @ me on my competence kink) while taking us by the hand into the magical universe of Little Compton Street, which is so completely irresistible and healing. I adore the atmosphere, the imagery, the soundtrack, and how this seductive setting allows them to explore their queerness in such a free, proud and joyful way *getting emosh* I feel like nothing I add here will make this story justice, it’s such a poignant and transformative fic but sadly deeply underrated like it happens to so many wlw tales. I hope this rec inspires at least one person to check it out and while at it please also check the entire series with a Drarry piece and a Prongsfoot piece, a perfect trifecta!

[instant-bull]

Do you have any favorite little headcanons for any of the founders that you kind of default use no matter the fic or setting

Great question! I have plenty of headcanons for these guys, but some of them are indeed too specific to be universal for every kind of setting, so taking out those that actually could be more universal is difficult. This is gonna be a pretty long one, so I'll be nice and put a divider up.

Tobirama:

Tobirama is on the autism spectrum, and since it's fantasy Edo period, it can be something incredibly hard for him to navigate. I believe representing his ASD can be a slippery slope, given how easy it would be to simplify him into "autistic boy genius with no social skills" stereotype, which I find very trite. He sure is a genius, given his excessive achievements in jutsus, and maybe his social skills aren't amazing, but he's definitely trying his best and I don't think he comes off as heartless. I would have to write a seperate post all about his autism, because this post could reach 10k words if I continue right now.

Tobirama's mother came from the Hatake clan. Pretty straightforward, it would explain why he looks so different and also creates drama around him for being different. Albino!Tobirama is not a bad concept either, but it doesn't bring me as much joy. @fashionredalert gave me a fantastic prompt of the Senju clan being far less obsessed with blood than the Uchiha, which also makes a very compelling story beat (hi Amy :) )

Tobirama's seals are tattooed, or carved into his face (depending on my mood teehee). The ones on his face help him see, since generally he'd be considered legally blind. Adds additional drama if he were to be captured or imprisoned.

Hashirama:

Hashirama is a very loving older brother. He's suffered so much loss in his life and now, left with only one baby brother, he makes sure to love and cherish him as much as possible. Sure, he was ready to give up Tobirama's right to the Hokage title for Madara, but I believe he had only the best of intentions and that decision didn't come from his distrust in Tobirama himself.

Mokuton kinda... does shit to Hashirama's brain. Not necessarily dark!Hashirama concept on its own, but definitely something that impacts his perception and his way of living. Trees talk to him and he talks to the trees. Does he listen to their instructions? What do the trees want?

Hashirama is taller than his canon height, because I said so. Oh... tall like a tree...

Madara:

I never really look to Kishimoto's art for body references, since he tends to draw all bodies in a very similar way. That being said I see Madara as a real rectangle of a man, 0 waist, big arms, big chest, big legs, sprinkle in a nice layer of fat on top and you have my man. I'd bite into him any day.

I'll eat rocks before I render Madara a pathetic meow meow. He's a complex man with layers of pride and shame (mmm... lasagna...), and making him pathetic or really dense in order to elevate Tobirama or Hashirama (I've seen it happen in both cases) just makes me sad. I let him be his smart, brash self.

Madara has horrible, horrible oral fixation and is generally a huge weirdo in bed<3

Izuna:

Izuna is kind of a blank slate and I love him to bits. I've enjoyed a lot of different characterisations people give him, but I think my most favourite of all are the ones where he's quite chill. His brother is always on some shit with Hashirama, and Tobirama has a stick so deep up his ass it must scratch his brain: of course Izuna wouldn't be able to take all of that seriously all the time. He cares deeply for his clan and maybe dies for its sake (depends on a fic you know), but he's not a stoic, nor a haughty warrior.

That being said, I quite enjoy making Izuna an obnoxious brat when interacting with Tobirama. I think pushing his buttons and seeing him react so viciously makes Izuna's day better. Torment that stupid bitch, yay!!

You can always make an argument that his happy-go-lucky attitude is a facade that protects him from pain. Let's not forget how much suffering this boy has experienced from a very young age. You can always put a sense of profound sadness into him and make me, as a reader or a writer, suffer from heartache.

Mito:

I love Mito and Mito erasure is frowned upon in this household. She's a strong person, a master of seals, and probably one of the only forces in this universe that could pull Hashirama down from whatever bullshit he'd go on. They love each other tremendously and have an incredibly strong bond. Their sex life must be insane...

Mito has a fierce Uzumaki attitude, and has a strong presence around the Senju clan, who generally treat her with respect (after all, she's the clan head's wife). Do not cross her, I cannot stress this enough.

She enjoys spending time with her brother-in-law, since they are both crazy about seals and could talk, speculate and experiment with them for hours on end. At first, when Hashirama was yet to be married, Tobirama had a huge anxiety about talking to her, because she felt like this idol of seal-craft and Tobirama felt silly</3

Phew? I think that's the main ones, which I think are pretty universal to any fic I write. Thank you for the ask, sorry for the longest possible answer!

[quidfree]

Hello!!! so I love your story Sober II… I was re-reading it back to back with TSH and the way you wrote them felt so true to Tartt’s characterization of them I was absolutely floored to how you captured the essence of the characters in your writing and your extension to their dynamic.

I have a question about your own personal head-canons between the two because I also read your spin off fic of sober II and found myself wondering who you think is the more physically affectionate of the two? I get the feeling that both your Francis and Richard kind of shy away from showing the other affection, or at least quite hesitant in doing so. From what you’ve written I feel like it’s Francis because of little moments like him placing his feet on Richards legs when they’re both on the couch… but in my re-read it’s Richard usually reaching for Francis, or Richard keeping Francis’ hands on him out of instinct. And that bit where they’re in their 40s and Richard suddenly becomes paranoid about how close they were in front of his students. Anyway, sorry for the tangent but I’m simply curious about who you think is the more affectionate of the two!

Also, don’t laugh at me but when you mentioned Anne Carson in your story I fell into a spiral of purchasing a few of her novels and translations and now I’m obsessed. She’s pretty popular but she’s never really be on my own personal radar, so thanks for that!

ahh thanks so much anon- and what, i’m delighted you discovered anne carson through me, not laughable at all!

that’s an interesting question and your analysis is good haha- made me sit and think about my subconscious choices in writing them. i think you’re right that i don’t necessarily see them as affectionate with each other from jump, due to all of richard’s sexuality hangups and francis’ weird relationship to physical affection.

in my head francis is definitely more touchy but it’s like, following a specific set of rules- he’s flirtatiously touchy (see: initiating all his hookups), and casual with the touches if you’re an unthreatening figure in his life (his mother, camilla, etc), but i feel like bc richard is a bit of a complicated situation as of post-canon he’s more withdrawn with him than he might otherwise be (and might have been back in early hampden when he gave less of a shit about richard and also was prodding at him to see if his gaydar was right). he has a lot of walls in place mixed in w his sexual traumas (childhood and otherwise). altho he does tend towards softer than richard, what with the blanket coverings and such.

richard’s thing is 1) he’s the outsider, so he’s more yearning for other people to bring him in than secure in reaching out 2) Men are not for Touching. hes so happy to be part of the pile of limbs in the backseat or get his hair ruffled or hand held or whatever but even in hampden i don’t recall him initiating that very often except when his emotions just overpower him (see the camilla kisses). that said, to your point, i think especially w the benefit of their history and also the traumatic losses they suffered, richard is very reachy- the whole sober ii thing is like. the kind of panicked / instinctive motion to keep what’s left of his hampden days with him. and how that melts into holding onto francis specifically.

anyway they both have that going on. richard is probably more classically touch-starved? but they’re both more comfortable with sex than other touch from what we see- like, it is kind of ironic that the day francis comes to hook up with richard seeking that connection to distract from murder hell is Literally on the heels of richard seeking out a random girl to do the same thing with. they are soo.

they grow into it tho. francis starts it off bc hes like oh right this is someone im hooking up w now so i can do x y and z. but richard’s probably first to go sort of, ah, romantic about it, which then sends francis skittering back a bit. i have a lot of Thoughts abt their physical scars & how those play in.

[squidkidnerd]

Writing Notes - "Bomb Rush Blush (but it never ends)

Hey guys! Happy C4ll13 day! If you haven't read it yet, I posted a fic to mark this special occasion, and you can read it here. Initially I was just gonna ramble in the notes in ao3 like I've done for the other 2 oneshots I've posted, but then I realized I have too many Thoughts™ to just put there... so here we go! Spoilers for the fic ahead!

Before we talk about the fic itself, I want to talk about Side Order.

When it first came out, many people were disappointed. I worried I would be too, at first, but after beating it the first time (and now having done it with all of them except Eight's) I can say that I personally wasn't. The color chips are insanely fun and I love them: truly the best take on upgrades we've seen in Splatoon. However, that's not the main part people were disappointed by: instead, it was the story.

And yeah, I agree.

The problem with Side Order is not conceptual. It has all the ingredients to make something really good. The problem is that it doesn't use any of them. Specifically, with grayscaling. What even is grayscaling? We don't really know. All we get is an exposition dump from Marina and that's it. That's... not good. There's a reason "show don't tell" is preached to the nines. Because we don't know what grayscaling means, it's hard to really care about anything that's going on. We're climbing up this tower for... what? To save a bunch of random people? We don't even have any reason to believe they're in danger. Saving Marina would have fixed this, but that goes out the window after you clear the tutorial because she's just... there. Afterward. There's no motivation to get to the top of the tower, no reason to beat Order. You just do it... well, because you have to.

That's bad.

So yeah. After Side Order, I was eagerly waiting to see if anyone would do something cool with the grayscaling... but to no avail. So, I took power into my own hands and wrote this thing.

Grayscaling—what even is it?: Yeah, I had to answer this before I did anything else. What I came up is well, best summed up by the phrase used in the fic itself: dissociative depression. One of the few details we get about grayscaling canonically is that it's a "loss of free will." And well... depression kinda is exactly that, isn't it? Well, it literally isn't, but in a way, depression saps out the energy you could've used to make changes in your life. It traps you, making you believe there's no escape. It's stagnant, unchanging, just like Order wants everything and everyone to be. And the dissociation comes from the fact that grayscaling occurs when your soul is literally sucked in to the Memverse. The way I see it, with a "soul" almost being like consciousness, that means your mind is being sucked into the Memverse too. Given that souls are very resistant to being separated from the body, I imagine this isn't a pretty process. Hence, the dissociative episodes that occur when a soul is being sucked in... and the "snap" back. These episodes are uncontrollable, which is what makes them dangerous. Imagine if you're driving on the highway and this suddenly happens to you. What happens if the person in front of you breaks during it? Well, an accident.

The Squid Sisters and mental health issues: Famous celebrity or not, everyone struggles with mental health sometimes... hence, why I gave the Squid Sisters a history of it in this fic. For Marie, it felt very fitting to give her depression. She comes off as cold and uncaring sometimes, and depression can make you into that. I also wanted to reference the fact that she's struggled with this several times throughout her life, because while many people have one depressive "episode," many cycle through several in their life like Marie. Just like in real life, it gets better and worse for her from time to time. And for Callie, while the focus is Marie for most of this fic, I think she struggles with anxiety. Callie is the exact opposite of Marie, she's happy and peppy and go go go, and anxiety is almost like the opposite of depression. Like Marie, she suppresses her symptoms just as intensely, if not more.

Callie and Marie's relationship: As with what happens whenever I write new characters, I was at first worried about writing these two, but as it turned out, it went pretty well! They're like true sisters in that they do their fair share of jesting (see: Callie calling Marie "grandma," which is something actually in in-game dialogue), but deep down, really care about each other. They've also done a lot of growth since S2, which is why this situation is so distressing for them at first. It can be scary to realize you're falling back on old patterns... but at the end of the day, you're moving forward regardless.

Dr Herring and THE EMAIL SKIN YAAAYY: Part 1 of the snazzy formatting, the email skin! I found it online, it's pretty neat, but let me tell you... it was a pain to get it all right for every single email. Still, I think it worked out really cool and adds some nice realism to this fic. Now, as for the emails themselves, I think they serve several purposes. For one, they show how deeply Callie cares about Marie because you know, she's literally emailing her therapist. They also do some exposition. I always like doing exposition like this, where it's an-universe thing that is directly told to characters rather than being in narration or something, because it's far more natural and interesting. It's also why there's the scene with Jay... and just in general why I write a lot of scene where characters find things out by eavesdropping

The News (snazzy formatting part 2): Yeah, the news articles! Again, for a touch of realism and to include exposition without it being jarring. While the first one wasn't that hard (I just made the text into headers), the second... definitely was. Specifically, because it's a podcast transcript and I wanted to have the names on the left and the text a unified block on the right like real ones... so, I had to learn how to code tables with HTML! It took me a bit and at some points it randomly moved the text to the end of the fic with a bunch of line breaks, but I figured it out and I'm very happy with it! I hope to do more cool formatting with my fics in the future.

The... Actual Content of the News: Remember when I mentioned how the dissociation caused by grayscaling could be dangerous? Yeah, I knew I wanted to fulfill my promises with that. The reason was... well, I wanted grayscaling to have actual consequences. I mean obviously depression is bad, but this makes it way scarier. Like, people are dying! The Persona series does this in its beginnings and it works super well.

The Ending: Man, poor Callie. She's been through the ringer. I ended it like this because it's still a few months/weeks before Side Order, and I imagine Order's takeover took a while. Yeah, canonically it took place in *one* day I think, but I don't care about canon. It's way more interesting if it gets actual buildup. But... don't worry, she isn't like this forever obviously. I might write a second chapter of some kind where she gets better in the future, who knows.

So yeah! Happy C4ll13 day! I've wanted to share this fic for a while, especially because it's more angsty and I haven't written anything quite like it yet? Or at least, anything that I've posted. I'm also planning a similar fic from Marie's perspective that covers the same events called "Tide Goes Out (but never comes back in). That will come out... whenever I feel like because March 13th is in like, eleven months. I also have a larger, Side Order-related project that is basically my retelling of the story with some tweaks called Monochrome Malaise. Both are fun and I hope I get to them so... no promises.

Anyways, enough writing talk. I'm on April break, which means... I'm graduating soon! Yay! That also means I'm one step closer to getting a cochlear implant in my left ear. If you've been following my writing for a while, you know that I lost hearing in it randomly in February 2023 and have been basically half-deaf ever since, which has been a struggle and a half. This implant will hopefully help me hear better, since I can't use a hearing aid. It's a surgery though, which is scary... they literally stick a magnet under your skin and put a wire of electrodes through your cochlea. No, I'm not making it up. Since I'll be out of commission for a bit because of that, that means... more writing! Yay! I can only imagine I'll be bored out of my mind lol.

So yeah! RIP Splatoon 1 and happy April, Neil banging out the tunes and Homestuck day! Hope it's a good one for you.

[roobylavender]

Hello, this is sort of related to your essay a few days ago about jason, but I was reading a short fic about what could potentially transpire had willis todd lived and instead chose to give jason up, and i was kind of surprised because in the comments it was mentioned that post-resurrection jason has no legal status and the author sort of stated having no official documentations means its easier for an abuser to keep their victims close to them and its like no? jason has no canon legal status because the writers dont care about him and dont care to explore their civilian life. not really some intentional (or unintentional) maneuver on bruces part.

Here is the fic in case your curious [and if you do choose to read I would love to know your thoughts!]:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39350217

this is why the problems with under the hood in particular are so glaring and made such a mess of the canon to follow like.. i sympathize with readers who internalized all of the abuse jason was canonically subject to as a result of this book and those that followed it but it's also frustrating how few people actually question whether it made any sense for that abuse to have occurred to begin with. bruce's treatment of jason in under the hood not only contradicts the tenets of their relationship prior to jason's death but also those of bruce's relationships with other criminals who have done similar or worse. there seems to be this idea that bc jason is bruce's son that means he'll be harder on him but if anything it's precisely the opposite. the fact that it's his son should mean that it disarms him completely, as the 90s stretch of canon so thoroughly explored in its long-run play-by-play of bruce's emotional breakdown and near loss of faith due to jason's death. and this doesn't even breach the most crucial element to discuss—bruce's historically lax interpretation of the no-kill rule that in certain situations allows for singular collateral death. there's simply no world in which a bruce who wanted to murder the joker would subsequently be so averse to him dying via other means. i do think it's in character for bruce to have revised himself on the former point and realize outright assassination is not going to give him the solace or vengeance he thinks he needs (batman: year two and batman: full circle is a good duology that explores this concept via joe chill), but given his history i'm far less inclined to believe that preserving the joker's life would come at all costs and more specifically at the cost of jason

like idk at the end of the day i am genuinely unable to grasp my head around the idea that bruce would care about jason so little, not only with respect to the events of under the hood specifically but with respect to whatever else comes after. and i think all too many of bruce's relationships with his children in general are sacrificed for writers' desire to explore the narrative implications of batman and increased military hypervigilance. at some point the priority is no longer to portray how bruce feels about his children personally but how they can be retroactively read into his purported morality. which would make sense were he a cold character to begin with, but he's not. he repeatedly wears his heart on his sleeve and allows his feelings for others to cloud his "judgment". it is more likely that bruce would do everything in his power to get jason resituated as a civilian and absolve him of all crimes bc of his recognition of jason as a traumatized child for whom he feels like he didn't do enough—for whatever our issues with the classism inherent to bruce and jason's relationship, the truth of the matter is that bruce put the onus of responsibility on himself. that's something i actually really have a problem with being so obscured in post-resurrection canon bc nearly all of it puts the onus on jason instead while conveniently forgetting that it was bruce who repeatedly felt like a failure—than that he would withhold his benevolence merely for the sake of instilling discipline. that's not something bruce was even willing to do with ra's as their relationship improved over the years, and god knows ra's has been more than willing to commit worse crimes

anyway, i've more than gotten away from the point here, but yeah, at the end of the day the increasingly event-focused structure of big two comics no longer allows for exploration of the trivial. we don't get to see characters live anymore bc it's not directly important to anything therefore it's useless to even portray. what does jason having a legal id do for the narrative that dc wants to tell? realistically: nothing. his only purpose is to perpetually exist as the red hood, therefore reclaiming his real identity is either peripheral or entirely unnecessary to the plot (unless you're shawn martinbrough). and it's not to say that i'm opposed to capitalizing on gaps in content, you're more than aware i do that plenty with talia. but that capitalization also needs to be.. sensible. and i hate to be mean but i think it's incredibly lazy to take everything that fails to exist in jason's canon merely as fact

[seethesunny]

Hi, lovely! Here’s some for the ask game. 🍓🥤🌻🪐

Hi friend, happy Saturday 🤲🏼❤ thank u lots for the ask! I always get bored haha

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

This is funny because I've always been a creative kid, so I would create my own stories inside my head and they eventually turned into some of the shows/books I liked- sometimes a mixture- and at the time I didn’t know that was called fanfiction! I have the vivid memory of snatching my mom's lavender Nokia cellphone to write in a notes app, that happened until I fell into the role-playing world for years and that only cemented my love for it, I fully got into writing seriously around five years since that but never posted, it was for that same group of friends only. So that's my backstory! I had given up on it for a number of reasons but I'm back in the fanfiction pit lol

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

Since I've been a tessjoel girlie from the beginning I'm pulling some of the hidden gems on FF dot net that some new fans may not know! These are all videogame tlou.

Starting with one of my favorite fics EVER (it is a habit to reread it monthly) written by Raff who is a legend and was a pioneer for them. This is an au that's technically canon compliant for the tone, a very straight-forward summary: Ellie is Tess and Joel's daughter, this is the little glimpses of how they raise her in the QZ:

@kokureno and I gush over this particular fic nonstop, college au with romcom elements, what's not to love?

This one is a curious case because while I read it previously, my mind was blown away when I finally read Dirt (also recommend it) then came back to it. Tess and Joel share a vulnerable moment and Tess realizes there is more to him than what she thought, pretty spot on character analysis:

This one is a Tess lives au AND a babyfic, and you know how hard it used to be to find babyfics for them specifically? Aside from signs (originally from FFnet), I wasn't that lucky and this was a blessing:

Someone said missing scene fic about a very necessary topic aka Joel and Ellie bringing up Tess during their journey? The old man HAS feelings??? Anyway, this is 100% canon to me:

This one is for those who are fans of Tess’s backstory in the old tlou storyline where she was the main antagonist/villain, which means she had a brother who was killed; in my heart this will always be her OG origin story honestly. Plus, Joel also opens up about his own loss:

Don't you love it when there's a recurring theme in your fic???? Tess and Joel's lives when they're running out of time, Tommy appears too, canon compliant:

Okay this one is on AO3 too, I get that, however I first found it here and anyway it has now been buried so! I'm showing it again. Tess's centered fic were a rarity so I know this one like the back of my hand, the most juicy gritty QZ life angst, it's also an origin story about her AND a character study, go wild:

Another one on AO3, but hear me out this IS them at their true core and a required reading for everyone to understand them and their dynamic perfectly, it's pretty sad and there's not much comfort but that's why it's so good. Also, the queen herself (amb) wrote it and this is my special dedication to her bc she cemented this Fandom alongside Raff and she's the best at pulling our heartstrings:

Those are some of my favs. I can't include every single one cause it would take me ages but there are so many more there that are worth a read. If you love them most at their ambiguous nature, the early fics filled the void and nurtured the mind.

🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis

A really talented artist around here who's outstanding at what she does, ily chica @betweentwoceremonials

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

Last year I had an awful infection and it took me a while to get rid of it, but I did some medical analysis a few weeks ago and now I'm fine 🥳

This spot is for the people I love and love me in return, I never take it for granted!

Not to get too pessimistic bc I try to keep it light but I never thought I would reach my 20s and yet- I'm still here, and I'm proud of myself for it

[flesh-and-faith]

"This is a love story."

I started writing Don't Go Where I Can't Find You in January 2023, but I'd been thinking about it much longer than that. I've been a Halo fan for as long as Halo's existed, but more specifically, I read Halo: The Thursday War in 2012 and was especially intrigued by this plot line:

In the story, a Sangheili named Jul is taken prisoner by ONI and they introduce irukan, a grain that they intend to feed him while he is in captivity. As he eats it, he starts to become ill. He notices that half the grain is also being fed to an animal called a colo. The ones that are getting the grain are becoming emaciated, while the ones that are eating grass are healthy.

Jul never confirms what ONI was doing, but the readers learn that ONI was genetically modifying the crop so that it would be indigestible to the Sangheili before introducing to Sangheili colonies, starving the planets out.

I was horrified and fascinated. Halo can get dark, but despite the major themes of war, it usually steps carefully to make sure that you don't have to think too hard about the people you're fighting in the games: you're either killing aliens before they kill you, or killing robot aliens before they kill you. So to see a plan that would impact civilians (and mostly women and children, given how the Sangheili military was structured at the time) was shocking. But then, the place the experiment was being held becomes a joint human-Sangheili research development, and the project seems to have been presumed to be cancelled. That always seemed strange to me. It doesn't seem very ONI of them to just stop. So, where did it go? That question sat with me for years.

When I decided to pick up writing again, it was just for my own enjoyment. I've loved writing since I was young, but life got in the way and it made me sad to be so out of practice. I was experiencing pretty bad burnout at the end of 2022, and needed an outlet, so with some encouragement, I decided to try it out. I knew immediately that the story I wanted to tell was going to be my answer to what happened to the irukan project.

I also knew that if I was going to write a Halo fic, I wanted it to be about regular people. In Halo, by the end of the human-Covenant war, about half of the entire human population has died. By the end of the Sangheili civil war, Sanghelios' population is also halved. Assuming rescue efforts prioritized children, that is a lot of orphans. Billions, even. And so, my next question was: What does that look like? What are the practical consequences? I imagined empty stores and children raising children. I imagined the people who were not able to fall back on their wealth or status. That was more compelling to me than another supersoldier among supersoldiers.

Lastly, I decided on inter-species romance, because that's what I like, and I haven't seen anything quite like what I was imagining. I thought that using loss as the great unifier between very different people who were once enemies could make for a beautiful love story. You know what they say: write what you want to see.

Once I had they story's main question and an idea of who the characters would be, I was able to do a deeper dive into canon to see where this story could fit. I know not everyone cares about fitting neatly into canon, but I like the limitations of canon because it gives me direction. First, I looked up planets that had a Guardian event, and then I looked up human colonies that were glassed around a time that made sense for Julia's age and August's disappearance.

I don't use large story outlines or character charts because I find them to be too overwhelming, and I think it can create a trap wherein I'd spend all my time preparing and too little time getting to work. I do have a chart I refer to to make sure I don't mix up dates, which I'll talk about in another post.

The most important part of this note isn't the character work at all, imo. The most important part is the first thing I ever wrote in preparing for this undertaking: "This is a love story."

I suppose you could call this the central theme or the heart of the story. It's what I come back to when I'm stuck or getting bogged down in the details. At the end of the day, it's a love story, and the plot should advance that theme.

So, I had my question: What happened to the irukan experiment? And I had my central theme: This is a love story.

And then I got to work.

[lotusthewriter]

What I've Done - Chapter 3

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist (2003)

Rating: T

Relationships: Alphonse (Wrath) & Edward

Characters: Alphonse Elric (Wrath), Edward Elric, Sloth, Dante, Envy, Izumi Curtis; MINOR - Roy Mustang; other characters to be added

Summary: “As soon as the homunculus decides to shove these feelings down his throat and take the alchemist to Dante for once and for all, his troubled opponent finally dares to say something that stops the world from going.

“… Al?”

It paralyzes Wrath.”

A Homunculus Alphonse Elric AU.

Word count: TBA

AO3

First chapter | Previous chapter

A/N: I actually already had this chapter planned but I hadn't written it out, so here you have it!

The next chapters will take longer to be posted, though, but I want to keep dedicating myself to this AU, because I really like exploring these characters and the idea of a homunculus Al. Even though this chapter specifically will focus more on Ed's side of the story.

If you want to check out my concept art for this AU, you can check out my art blog, @lotusthekat! I usually post it under the #homunculus al tag :)

Alright, so big trigger warning for suicidal thoughts/ideation in this chapter. It applies to the whole fic, but it's very present here.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - death, grief, repressed trauma, child abuse, physical and emotional abuse, emotional neglect, canon-typical violence, self-sacrifice, suicidal thoughts, blood and injury and loss of limbs. (More might be added)

P/roship DNI.

--

“... AL! ALPHONSE!”

His throat is sore at this point.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been in the forest, looking for that kid. Someone like that shouldn’t be this hard to be spotted.

Edward coughs roughly, exhausted both from the search and the fight that once took place. He has fought many, many powerful enemies before, but he never thought someone would be as quick as Ed, knowing his every move.

Ed has pretty much lost his strength at this point, unable to run or perform alchemy. He’s glad his automail hasn’t broken, but there’s too much inside his head and Ed doesn’t know what to do about it.

As he drops to his knees on the dirt, not caring about it dirtying his pants, there are desperate steps coming in his direction. Ed almost wants them to be that boy, but it turns out to be Ed’s alchemy teacher, Izumi, who also seems to have been hopelessly searching for someone in the woods.

“Ed!” Teacher exclaims. “Where the hell were you?! I’ve been looking everywhere-!”

She stops the yelling when she sees the state Ed is in, her eyes softening in concern.

“Oh, Edward… what happened to you?” She asks as she helps him stand up.

Ed looks away, gulping in fear. Izumi was really angry with him when she found out what he had done, so he doesn’t want to make her mad again. She notices, hence why the woman gently rubs his cheek, probably to clean off the dirt in his face.

“Hey,” Izumi whispers, “you can tell me, Ed.”

He’s not entirely convinced.

Thus, she sighs.

“I… I’m sorry I never made you feel safe enough to come to me all these years,” Izumi apologizes. “So, I want to do this one thing right. I want to be part of your journey. I wouldn’t have come all the way to Dante if I didn’t.”

Her smile is… truly soothing.

Ed doesn’t feel scared of her right now.

Though, it’s really not just her. It’s the fact that everyone involved with Ed will only get hurt or disappear. He doesn’t want that to happen to his teacher, either.

Regardless, Ed finds himself relaxing, letting out the deepest sigh.

“Okay.”

--

Close.

So damn close.

Yet Ed couldn’t even do this right.

His little brother’s hand was gone.

And there’s a monster in the transmutation circle.

He failed.

But most importantly, Edward failed his little brother.

And he couldn’t bear that.

With his own blood and an absent leg, Ed yells at the beyond, hopefully to bring Al back even if in this armor for now.

Once again, the bright light obfuscates the dark basement.

And Ed has no right arm.

Except…

“Al?”

The armor doesn’t show one sign of life. Other than the monster, there’s no other sign of life at all.

Still, Ed, obviously struggling, manages to cling to the metal armor, to see if it’s going to move.

“Al, can you hear me?” The boy begs.

Nothing.

“C-Come on, Al, say something.”

Ed starts shaking the armor, though pathetically since he only has one arm to do that.

“Please. Please, Al.”

It smells like tears, blood, and rotten flesh.

And dead metal.

“No…” Ed’s voice is a pitch higher. “No, no, no! I gave up my arm! Give him back! GIVE HIM BACK!!”

He’s pounding on the metal armor, hating it with every force out there, and yet unable to rip it apart in two. Ed is so angry that not even destroying a thousand armors would ever satiate the feeling.

Edward gradually sobs more painfully, growing numb to the pain and the blood coming out of him.

“He’s my little brother…” he whispers, his true priority. “Please…”

He’s probably going to die.

What’s the point, anyway?

"Al... come back..."

He won't.

The older Elric growls loudly and pounds the metal with force, not even caring about hurting his only weak hand.

"No! Al! AL!" He yells. "AL!!!!"

Ed lost everything.

And he’s going to die alone, all because he was too selfish.

“I’m sorry…” Ed cries, vision slowly darkening.

He has nothing. Nothing.

…

There are steps coming downstairs.

They sound like… boots.

Ed already feels rage just imagining who that could be.

Not him of all people…!

The steps rush to Ed’s direction.

The boy growls, “Go away…”

Whoever is there scoffs quietly. “Kid, you are literally bleeding to death.”

“I don’t care!” Ed ends up whining instead of sounding actually angry.

It’s not like he’s even able to resist much considering half of his limbs are gone, so Ed feels himself being held in the stranger’s arms.

“So, you did all of this…” the man mumbles.

The boy’s golden eyes are filled with tears again.

“It hurts…” Ed sobs.

He realizes he’s losing more and more touch with reality.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t see Mom or Alphonse once he leaves.

“... Winry,” Ed whispers nonsensically, his last hope. “Rockbell…”

There’s silence, then a sympathetic sigh.

“You’ll be alright, kid.”

Beyond his better judgment, Ed finds himself hiding in that stranger’s firm arms, clinging to his wet coat. It’s far from comfortable, yet Ed has already lost everything to care.

The only things Ed will remember then are blurs.

--

When Ed wakes up, he’s in bed taking soup, Winry eyeing him with curious yet terrified blue eyes.

Winry and Granny are apprehensive, neither of them daring to speak. It’s quite a miracle that Ed survived, according to Granny. He expected her to give him a full lecture, and maybe she was about to do so… when Winry asked Ed about Alphonse.

With silence as their only answer, Granny is not even cranky. If Ed isn’t seeing things, she might be letting out tears in secret. Winry appears to have cried, too, and she still does every now and then.

It’s raining too much outside.

Ed knows that creature is still there in the basement, but maybe it’s just going to die due to its state.

Al, then… never came back.

Ed knows he can’t say anything. Nothing will be enough to explain what happened. No apologies will ever bring Mom and Al back. There’s absolutely nothing to justify the older Elric.

Unlike the Rockbells, he’s too empty to cry. Like all the tears were gone with the rain.

The boy doesn’t feel any pain.

He has nothing.

Nothing at all.

He could’ve just… died.

Why didn’t he?

Ed already lost everything.

What was the point?

He’s nearly claimed by the deep rain when the guy that saved him – and Ed already hates him for it – returns, after borrowing the house phone for the moment being. Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang, apparently, was looking for the Elrics’ father thanks to a couple of unsent letters. Ed tunes out of the conversation entirely at the mention of that old man, almost wanting to tell everyone else to leave him alone to die.

Ed is staring at the window, golden eyes deprived of any hope, when he hears the same boots coming to him… gently this time.

“You may not think so right now… but I know you have talent, kid,” Mustang lowers his voice to him. Ed refuses to look back, and the man understands it. “If you want to use it, well… I hope you are ready for the next State Alchemist exam.”

Now is the time Granny Pinako yells at Mustang, appalled that the Lieutenant Colonel would suggest something as such to a bleeding eleven-year-old. At least he leaves before the older Rockbell can kick him out with her wrenches and automail limbs.

Ed, for the first time that night, frowns.

None of them see it.

State Alchemist…

--

“... everything has been for Al.”

Izumi’s black eyes are deep with sadness.

“Nothing else mattered,” Ed explains to her. “I would do everything to get my little brother back. I joined the military, I fought the fiercest and most dangerous enemies, all just for Al.” He could only stare at his automail arm… now knowing where his real limbs must have gone.

His metal limbs make noise, shaking.

“I… I never thought… I-I’d see his face again.”

Izumi tenses. “What do you mean?”

Ed’s head is lowered. “... homunculi.”

She gasps. “You mean…”

He sniffs.

“He fought just like Al, but he was much stronger and faster than me,” Ed narrates. “He was… the only homunculus I’ve ever seen performing alchemy.” He blinks. “I didn’t know why at the time… but I think he has my limbs, Teacher.”

Izumi grabs some of her own hair. “No.”

Ed chuckles bitterly. “Turns out I haven’t lost my right arm for nothing.”

His metal fist tightens, almost breaking into pieces. Winry would disapprove instantly.

“He really wasn’t like them. He only focused on fighting me. Until… I cut his hair with my automail, and he was suddenly really angry,” Ed recalls. “His hair was long and it covered most of his face, so it was only when he was about to punch me in the face that I… saw him.”

Growling teeth, intense purple eyes, profound hatred and resentment…

“It looked like… it was really him , Teacher.”

“Edward,” she warns, “you know that isn’t true.”

“It wasn’t just the- the physical appearance, it was like the real Alphonse wanting to beat me up for everything I did to him,” Edward’s voice breaks just imagining his little brother hating him. “And it’s even worse that the moment I called him Al… he looked terrified. He ran away from me. It was like he hadn’t heard that name in years, and… it meant something to him."

Izumi looks like she wants to deny that the homunculus is Al, yet she’s too pained to dismiss Ed’s suffering.

“I’m pissed off, too, that the homunculi never told me about him,” he bites. “They must’ve known this whole time, and they decided to play with my feelings to get what they wanted.” Ed can only remember Nina’s dead eyes staring deep into his soul, after he also failed to save her, after she brightened his darkest days without Alphonse’s sunlight.

The woman sighs. “I’m so sorry, Ed.”

“It’s not your fault, Teacher. It’s all mine.” His eyes grow wet, only for his left arm to dry them. “I’ve already suspected something was off for a while… but after seeing that boy…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence, refusing to come up with the conclusion. Izumi notices, and while she does not force him to spit it out, she grabs him by the shoulders gently yet solidly, her eyes now serious.

“Edward,” she calls him, “you can’t run away from the past anymore. You have got to make a decision, to take up responsibility for what you’ve done. You must, or else you will regret it.”

The pain of a mother giving up her own child, and unable to turn back on it, is heard beneath Izumi’s stoic nature. Ed swallows the tears of his eleven-year-old self, the tears that rarely come out nowadays because he lost everything that night.

Izumi cannot ever go back on her choice. Ed wants to believe he can bring his brother back, but now that the truth has come to take him down itself…

He doesn’t want to give up on this. He can’t let Al go.

Ed doesn’t think he could handle living with his absence any longer.

“It’ll be okay,” Izumi reassures him, wiping his unseen tears for him. “I promise.”

She hugs him like he’s her own child, loving him despite all the mistakes he’s made.

Ed isn’t entirely soothed by the embrace, which is not Izumi’s fault. He knows she’s trying her best and will continue to do so.

The knowledge, however, of that lost boy in the forest, running forever and ever without a destination, and that ghost that keeps haunting Ed whenever he’s near the Führer…

He won’t be ready.

…

Not yet.

[dudeimabird]

Honor her, just stay happy.

REQUEST'S ARE OPEN

@decaffeinatedmisery

Request: Post S-8 where Keith is trying to convince Lance that he can honor Allura’s memory and still follow his dreams of being a fighter pilot. Also because Keith misses him and wants to kiss him

(Keith Pov) So I know canonically Adam isn't alive, but I love the adashi ship too much to pass this up.

It had been 2 years after the war... The anniversary of Allura's death. It felt weird I always pictured being in space for the rest of my life, staying in the lions, never seeing home again. Yet, I'm here on earth safe and happy I never pictured that. However, we have lost too many to not feel at least some grief. All the planets involved in the war have a day to commemorate Allura's death, for Earth its tomorrow. Each year we head to one of the original paladin's house, last year it was Corran since he had known her, her entire life. This year it's Lance. We don't talk as much now, and I still have as big of a crush on him before as I do now. Shiro, Adam, and my mom know, they all agree to just get it off my chest, and after the war I was planning to but then Allura passed. As a person who has had to grieve before I knew that Lance was in a whirl wind of emotions, and I couldn't. And honestly, I want to tell him now but, I don't think he's over Allura yet, at least not enough to have a former teammate, and friend confess his undying love for him. When I do talk to him sometimes through call occasionally in person not once has he ever talked about someone he is interested in, I know people age and change but it's been 2 years and before Allura, Lance would completely fall in love with any person he met. At this point with the chemistry Lance and Allura had I think they were actually soulmates. Now whenever I see him, I can always see his walls are up he puts on a smile clearly in pain and gives a pickup line that doesn't have that spark those lines used to have. Everyone can notice but no one has had to deal with a loss of a significant other yet. So, no one knew how to comfort him.

I was at the house of the Mcclain's there was a giant stone statue of Allura, dozens of gifts, flowers and treats lining the pillar. I was with Adam, and Shiro. We were in bright colored clothes (In this fic Allura asked that they celebrate her life not feel sad over her death) Adam knocked and Veronica answered.

"Adam, Shiro!" She smiled. And look over to me.

"Keith, it's been too long!" She yelled while hugging me. I smiled; I don't know why but Veronica specifically took a liking to me when we met. I guess everyone in the house heard because they came running outside and started yelling and hugging everyone, Lance wasn't there, was my first thought but then everyone kept on talking. Turns out we were the first people there.

"Oh yeah! Lance is up there Keith" Lance's mom explained pointing up the house. I nodded and started walking up the stairs. Found the door and knocked. I heard something shuffle around and the door creaked open. And saw Lance, a Lance that had been clearly crying.

"Keith?" He smiled, looking a little surprised. I could understand why though, last year there was an emergency with The Blade of Marmora which is now a relief organization. So, I couldn't go there I felt horrible, and I couldn't explain the situation because it was an under the wraps plan.

I smiled "Hey, Lance."

I'm sorry I'm going to make it a 2-part project because I was losing interest, and I'm honestly loving this one-shot, that I couldn't just do a horrible job on the rest I should get it out tomorrow. I'm so sorry but I hope you have a great day/night!

--dudeimabird

[seeyouafter]

SYA Ch. 49 Extended Notes

Notes for "See You After" Chapter 49: Aug 10-15: Recent News Articles, Aizawa’s Home Visit Notes

If you follow my main account, it's not a secret that I've been frustrated with a lot of things that have happened in the canon endgame. I'm not going to go into that here, but I did add a few things to this chapter specifically because I wanted to make it very clear where this fic diverges from canon. I made a separate post with the significant points of canon-divergence that are most relevant.

Additional commentary on things in this chapter (Aizawa's home visit notes and the various news articles) below the cut:

Aizawa's texts & home visit notes

This was a nice way to include an external POV, which I thought was important because although Shouto and Katsuki are both getting better, they're definitely not "fine" as they keep insisting.

I wasn't originally going to include Izuku's conference notes, since he's not the main focus of this story. However, after the recent manga chapters, I felt the need to make it clear what happened to him in the universe of this fic, since I previously kept it more ambiguous in case I felt like following canon. This felt like a good way to do it without writing an annoyingly long author's note.

Again, not going too deep into Aizawa/Rooftop squad lore in this fic, but in my head, Shirakumo is alive (in some capacity). Midnight's death was also never properly explored, which is a shame after their interactions in Vigilantes, and I think Aizawa and Present Mic would still be coming to terms with that loss.

The izakaya that Aizawa and Mic visit is a reference to "Midnight Diner" (yes, I know they're there before midnight but shhh...) If you're into slice of life, character-driven shows that feature food, I highly recommend it.

Article Notes:

Article 1: Surge in travel expected for this year's Obon season

Not sure why, but at some point, I got stuck on the idea of what Obon would be like in the aftermath of a war. It's more of a general worldbuilding thing than something that's super important to the plot, but it is a major cultural event, and it does come up in a couple of conversations, so I decided to include an article about it.

Article 2: The failings of foreign aid groups

Yes, this is a jab at that pointless panel of the US President in ch 422 of the manga. But also, there's unfortunately a lot of similarities to the real world, in which foreign aid arrives far too late for the people who need it most. The structure of this article was based off of a real news article I read recently with a similar sentiment.

Article 3: HPSC under criticism for involvement of underage students in the war

I mean...at some point, we have to address the fact that they fought in a war despite being literal children, right? At the same time, that comment at the end of the previous article about how they sort of had to use the hero students because they were out of options, is a valid point (in fiction obviously, not in real life).

Article 4: Has Hawks flown the coop?

Puns aside, I find Hawks' canon storyline fascinating, and I think there are a lot of interesting things to explore with him in regards to hero society. That's all I'll say for now.

Other Daily Mail article titles:

More than it seams? (Untangling the threads of Best Jeanist and Edgeshot’s friendship)

10 popular theories about All Might: Were any of them true?

History’s Greatest Villain or victim of a broken system: Who is Shigaraki Tomura?

Heroes with ‘villainous’ quirks and how they use them for good

Equity or Unfair Advantage: to what extent should support items be allowed in hero training?

Mostly, these were just a way for me to point out some of the "hot topics" in the media and maybe add a little worldbuilding.

I wanted to mention something about Edgeshot, since his death is something that's still on Katsuki's mind with the impending return to Best Jeanist's agency for his work study (also, the bad fabric related puns 😅 sorry, not sorry)

The Shigaraki article is meant to be titled similarly to the one about Toga that was in Ch. 38 (I'd imagine they did some speculation pieces on each of the main villains)

The article about equity and support items ties into the idea of quirkless heroes. Given the real life arguments about equity being unfair that some people with privilege like to make, it's something that would likely come up in regards to support items, which are essentially "accommodations" for heroes.

[gffa]

One of my favorite projects is Taking a Closer Look at the Jedi Order in Star Wars: What They Actually Say And Do In Canon (and word of god commentary) to provide a set of references for what’s actually canon and what’s not, to illustrate and celebrate the Jedi ways that I really love, and to make it easier to write worldbuilding in your fic without you having to read a dozen different books, because I’ve already read them for fun!  Though, I always encourage reading them anyway, get context for yourself, see what you think of it yourself, etc.  But if you want a quicker cheat sheet, then this aims to help! One of the best books for worldbuilding recently was PADAWAN by Kiersten White, a book that I absolutely recommend, not just for the worldbuilding stuff (though, that’s fun, too) but because it was a satisfying, sparkling, delightful story that really gave me a ton of feelings about Obi-Wan Kenobi and the Jedi ways. These snippets will eventually be folded into my bigger meta project (and thus are organized in the same categories), but as a way to promote that I think more people should pick this book up, I’m collating these together for this book specifically and I hope that you find it useful for getting a better picture of what Jedi Padawans were like in the prequels era! (Spoiler alert: They are adorable kidlets but also adorable hellions I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, I want an entire novel about Bolla Ropal and Prie and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Siri Tachi as Padawans now!!) Topics Covered In This Post: Section 1 - How the Force Works Section 2 - Jedi Culture & Philosophy & Teachings Section 3 - Jedi As a People (aka Jedi younglings are CHAOS GREMLINS) Section 4 - Psychic Space Wizards Doing Psychic Space Wizard Things Section 5 - Jedi Temple (Living Quarters and Dining Halls!) Section 6 - Jedi Outreach and the Bigger Galaxy Now enjoy almost 7k words of Jedi Worldbuilding you can use for your fic writing, if you want!  Write me fiiiiiiiic about the chaos gremlin Padawans, fandom, I’m begging you!

SECTION 1 - HOW THE FORCE WORKS: JEDI EMOTIONS ARE ABOUT CONTROL NOT SUPPRESSION - PREQUELS:

The Padawans expression emotion all along the gamut just fine:      Obi-Wan gleefully made his way down to the Padawan dining hall. If Padawans weren't busy, they could almost always be found eating. Sure enough, Bolla, Prie, and a few other Padawans he'd known and trained alongside his entire life were gathered around a table. But rather than eating, they were all leaning intently toward Siri Tachi, talking.      Obi-Wan could barely contain his smile as he sat down next to Prie.      "Oh, you're here," Siri said, and her expression re-formed into a worried frown.      "Don't be so excited to see me," Obi-Wan said with a laugh. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Obi-Wan isn’t just passively out of balance in the Padawan novel, he is extremely aware that he’s out of balance, his connection to the Force is wonky because of it, that’s how the Force works, it manifests in a Jedi’s Force abilities when they’re emotionally unbalanced:     Just like Lenahra, he wasn't in balance. Not with himself, not with the Force. For so long he had been afraid of being afraid. Closing himself off to his feelings because of what they might mean, what they might lead to. But closing himself off was doing the opposite of what he hoped. It wasn't about not feeling fear or ambition or anything else he didn't think was right for a Jedi. It was about whether or not he gave those feelings power. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     He could almost laugh. His fear that he wouldn't be able to use the Force to help others was making him close like a fist, tighter and tighter around himself. He didn't trust himself, and because of that, he also didn't trust the Force. If he didn't believe he deserved the Force, then he didn't trust that the Force had chosen him, or that this path was the one he should be on, or that the losses he would go through along the way were natural. Necessary, even. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     With the fear in front of him, honestly acknowledged, Obi-Wan felt himself lightening. At last, all Qui-Gon's admonishments to exist in the present made sense. All Obi-Wan's worries were tied to his past and future, and he couldn't control either of those. Obi-Wan set his fears aside the same way he had moved through this clearing. Respectfully, but purposefully. His fears would always be there, but by looking right at them, he could put them where they belonged instead of constantly hiding from them. He could move toward the trust he needed in himself and in the Force.       It wasn't a destination he could reach with one try. He knew that. Learning this trust would be a journey he'd be on for the rest of his life. But he was ready to start.      For the first time since becoming a Padawan, Obi-Wan let go. He opened his hands, and his heart, and his mind, and he reached out. His shock almost brought him out of the meditation, but he tried to stay present as the waves of connection rushed in. His fears had been like a dam, blocking the flow, and now that they were out of the way, the life of this planet was everywhere.      [....] he was aware of everything. He was floating in a vast current of the Force, connected to it, and through his connection to it, to everything else on Lenahra. That was what had tried to fling his senses further and further out the night before—he had inadvertently been close to connecting with the planet because he hadn't been trying to do it. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Basic Jedi training is to feel things, not control them:      Obi-Wan laughed. "If I knew, I wouldn't be here. Not being calm or focused is exactly why I left." He tried to think of how Qui-Gon instructed him, or how their meditation classes as younglings had gone, back before meditation had become so fraught and aggravating. Back before the things that had felt easy became impossible because he stopped feeling them and started trying to understand them, to control them. [Star Wars: Padawan]

THE JEDI AND "ATTACHMENT" AND THE ART OF LETTING GO - PREQUELS:

The theme of letting go is one of the intrinsic themes of Star Wars as a whole and specifically to the Force, the entire plot of Padawan hinges on Obi-Wan’s inability to let go, his clinging to the Force (this is what attachment is) and once he resolves that, he is able to connect with the Force again, it’s not just Jedi philosophy (though it is that as well) but literally how the Force works:       That had been Obi-Wan's problem, hadn't it? He had been reaching for the Force to grab hold of it, to cling to it, to try to wring his own destiny from it. Not unlike the way the Lenahrans used the Power. In their minds, it was a tool to be wielded, not a cycle to join. Obi-Wan had been treating the Force in a similar way. He wanted things from it, wanted it to do things for him. Centering himself, always. He was so focused on his own desires and, most destructively, his desperate fear of failure.       Fear of loss, too. The Lenahrans were afraid of losing the Power, of losing the life their parents had chosen for them. And he was afraid of losing his Jedi friends as they drifted apart into the galaxy. Afraid of losing his place in the Temple, in the Force. Afraid of letting go of the familiarity of his past and embracing the unknown future, whatever it would bring to him. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     But it didn't have to be like this. The people here didn't have to be parasites, sucking life from Lenahra and giving nothing back. If they could let go, if they could give up consuming the Power, the planet would sustain them as it sustained everything else. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Obi-Wan wanted to know more about the past. Maybe it would help him decide his future. And it wasn't against his own beliefs [like it was the Lenahrans’]. He was supposed to let go of the past, yes, but also learn from it. That was why the Jedi had such extensive archives, after all. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Obi-Wan understood. Loss was part of growing up. It changed you, but it also stayed with you, shaping you. But he could control how it shaped him. He could stop fearing it, stop resisting it, and instead let it become part of his journey. [Star Wars: Padawan]

UNTRAINED FORCE ADEPTS - PREQUELS:

     If Force adepts weren't identified and trained young, their connection was haphazard, chaotic. Dangerous even, at times. And in a lot of them it faded, becoming a hum in the background of their lives. Not vital or active. [Star Wars: Padawan]

SECTION 2 - JEDI CULTURE & PHILOSOPHY & TEACHINGS: JEDI CULTURE - PREQUELS:

Jedi do not forbid personal possessions, most of them seem to not really need more (contrasted against Anakin’s room full of them), but they have them      So instead Obi-Wan trudged to his room. It was small and austere, but a shelf above his bed held a few treasures he had gathered. A rock from Ilum. A flower Siri had once tucked behind his ear as a joke. A shell Prie had given him that was probably from an unspeakably terrifying creature she adored. The spoon from their initiate days that Bolla had for some reason decided was his favorite, so they all made a game of stealing it. Obi-Wan had won, he supposed, since they were no longer younglings.  [Star Wars: Padawan]

    Qui-Gon sat on the simple gray cushion he kept in place of more elaborate seating. He had never added furniture for hosting guests. Obi-Wan always felt like he was somehow intruding, like there really was no place for him in Qui-Gon's life. He knew Siri's master had a table for two in her living quarters where they took most meals together. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Or going back and finding Qui-Gon wasn't there at all, his name already added to the Lost, the Temple Guard ready to arrest Obi-Wan for theft of Temple property and betrayal of the entire Order. He knew they wouldn't do that—it wasn't the Jedi way. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI PHILOSOPHY + TEACHINGS - PREQUELS:

     Meditation was the last thing Obi-Wan wanted to do, soaked and still caught somewhere between panic and fury. But given that it was the last thing he wanted to do, it was probably the best thing for him. Many things in the Jedi Order were like that: the less he wanted to do them, the better they were for him. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Meditation is about facing yourself:      Now, with Qui-Gon, [meditation] seemed to be the bulk of [his training]. Obi-Wan couldn't rely on his other skills to compensate. Maybe that was what he hated: meditation laid his weaknesses bare in front of him. There was nothing else to think about, nothing to do but face them.  [Star Wars: Padawan]

     He had found the balance he had been sent here for, and he was ready to go back. To face his fears of failure, of loss, of inadequacy, and to accept them so he could move forward. "I know. And I'm grateful. But my place is at the Temple. Assuming I'm still welcome there." [Star Wars: Padawan]

     "Well, what are the good leaders like there?"      Obi-Wan thought of Master Yoda. The way he taught by prompting them to find their own answers, never giving them information when they could gain experience for themselves. "They see the best in people, and help them get there." [Star Wars: Padawan]

Jedi are very aware of the physical power they have over people and make a point not to rule because of it, how they could really hurt people if they didn’t guard themselves:      “I didn't have to find the Force. It found me. But that's why Jedi move through the galaxy and don't stay in one place for long. Why we don't rule. Because we do have access to power. And we have to be on constant guard to make certain it doesn't corrupt us. We have rules—so many rules—and structure, and guidance, and still we have to always be alert to ourselves. And the Jedi around us." Obi-Wan thought of Orla Jareni dropping her own studies to help another Jedi. And on the other end of the scale, of Master Dooku walking away from the Order and abandoning his path as a Jedi in favor of ruling on his home planet. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     "The right way isn't always easy," Obi-Wan said, thinking about the Jedi path. How he wanted it to come easily to him as proof that it was right and that he belonged on it. But so often the right thing to do was the most difficult. If he had the chance, he would follow the path the Force put him on for the rest of his life, no matter how hard it was. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Obi-Wan’s goal, as is implied a Jedi ultimate goal, is to be an extension of the Force rather than the other way around:      But when it came to the other aspects of the Force—communing with it, not using it as an extension of himself, like a lightsaber to be wielded, but getting to the point where he was an extension of the Force—well, maybe that was why Qui-Gon didn't bother with him. [Star Wars: Padawan]

The Jedi’s goal is not to be competitive, but even when they are, it’s never punished or yelled at, just that the bigger goal is to be the best Jedi you can uniquely be:      Obi-Wan laughed. "We're not supposed to be competitive. Everyone uses the Force as best suits their abilities." [Star Wars: Padawan]

Which is given context with Obi-Wan’s thoughts of how he’d been competitive and it was something that was looked on positively, that Bolla was trying to help him return to, that Obi-Wan values and doesn’t think should be bad:      Now that he thought about it, though, he'd had fun with Bolla, hadn't he? They had played jokes on each other all the time. Once, Obi-Wan had swapped Bolla's wash cream for Naboo glitterpaste. Bolla had shimmered for days. He almost laughed out loud, remembering it. Bolla was right—Obi-Wan had been competitive. So maybe when Bolla said he was trying to help Obi-Wan lighten up again, he had meant it. Obi-Wan had been so miserable lately, he could only assume miserable intentions from others. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Jedi do not consume the Force, they’re not stealing it, they’re not hurting the Force:      “But I think this whole planet is connected, symbiotic even, and that those things, your so-called Power, are a physical manifestation of its life. You aren't using the Power like Jedi use the Force. You're stealing it. You're consuming it. You're hurting Lenahra and everything on it." [Star Wars: Padawan]

     "I think I can explain it better now. The Power isn't like the Force. The Force isn't something I consume and burn up. It's so much more than just power. It's life. It's connection. It's—it's this." Obi-Wan gestured around the clearing. "It's trying to find the balance, that place between life and death where peace can exist. Being a small part of a great whole." [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Obi-Wan knew that death was simply returning to the Force, but still. He didn't want that for them. Not yet. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Obi-Wan laughed. "Well, then, we merry band of attractive adventurers, let's go see a man about a mine. And may the Force be with us."      "What does that mean?" Audj asked.      "It's something we say to each other, when we're embarking into the unknown. It's what we hope for, always." [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI AND THEIR LOVE OF RIDDLES IN TEACHING - PREQUELS:

     What would Qui-Gon Jinn do if he were here? Obi-Wan closed his eyes. Qui-Gon was maddening and puzzling, but Obi-Wan could almost hear his voice. [Star Wars: Padawan]

EARLY JEDI  TEACHINGS - PREQUELS:

Youngling training is pretty broad in scope, not just one thing or another:      Meditation. Obi-Wan had to figure it out. He had never been bad at it before his trials, but then again, it had been only one small part of his training. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Though, they do have meditation classes as younglings, it’s just not all they do:      He tried to think of how Qui-Gon instructed him, or how their meditation classes as younglings had gone, back before meditation had become so fraught and aggravating. [Star Wars: Padawan]

MIDDLE JEDI TEACHINGS - PREQUELS:

     Reach for the Force with open hands, Qui-Gon told him in his memory of their very first meditation together. Not to grasp or to grab, but to touch. To connect. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Exist in the present, Qui-Gon had said many times, trying to ground Obi-Wan when it was clear Obi-Wan couldn't settle into meditation. Move through the present as the Force moves through you, connecting you to everything. You are one small part of an infinite whole. Find peace and purpose in that.      Obi-Wan certainly couldn't meditate right now, and he doubted there was much peace to be found. He could, however, follow the advice to move through this moment like the Force, connected to everything around him. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     There were many avenues to becoming a Knight that Obi-Wan was sure involved almost no meditation whatsoever. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI YOUNGLINGS CULTURE - PREQUELS:

     He almost laughed as he remembered a game they had played often as initiates: hide-and-sense. They would scatter throughout their clan and training quarters, and one youngling would have to try to sense where they all were—blindfolded. They had thought it was merely a game, but in reality it was careful, crucial training.      Everything had been easier when he was an initiate, when using the Force was the same as playing. As easy as reaching out and expecting to find something, and finding it there simply because he expected it to be.      [....] Trying to remember what playing a game had felt like, Obi-Wan closed his eyes to quiet his mind and focus. It wasn't as easy or as fun as when he had been young, but—there, like warm spots in a chilled room. They were scattered through the ship: three clustered on the far end, one closer, a couple above him somewhere. Six total, seven with the one outside, and— [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI KNIGHT CULTURE - PREQUELS:

Sometimes he wondered why Qui-Gon ever took him on as a Padawan. It wasn't required of Jedi Knights. When they did choose an initiate after the Trials, they were always guided by the Force. [Star Wars: Padawan]

SECTION 3 - JEDI AS A PEOPLE: JEDI VIEWS OF THEMSELVES AS FAMILY AND CARE FOR THEIR YOUNG - PREQUELS:

     The Jedi were his only family, the Temple his only home. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Obi-Wan parallels the Lenahra younglings’ connection to family with his own in the Jedi Order, to be with others who understand you:      "We talked about it. We want another planet filled with nature, with lots of water for Shush, Trill, and Whistle. One where we can connect and grow alongside the planet, not in spite of it. Dex thinks he can figure out where the other families ended up settling; it would be nice to be among people who understand where we're coming from. Maybe even find some relatives. Hopefully better ones than Loegrib." She tried to smile, but it didn't quite work. Obi-Wan didn't blame her. It was a loss on top of a devastating betrayal.      As much as Obi-Wan would miss them, he couldn't fault them for wanting to reconnect with others who knew what they had grown up with. The idea of never being among Jedi, not having other Padawans to talk with—and complain to and about—was terribly lonely. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Even though no one here had parents, it was clear they were a family. It made Obi-Wan miss the closeness of his own youngling initiate clan. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI PADAWANS - PREQUELS:

     They would continue on as they always had, whether he returned or not. After all, Padawan deaths were rare but not unheard of.  [Star Wars: Padawan]

If a Jedi teacher is no longer available, they’re simply assigned to another Master:      "If Qui-Gon leaves, you'll simply be assigned to another Jedi Master." [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Almost every Padawan made it through to Knighthood, but there were rare exceptions. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI ROLES + CAREERS - PREQUELS:

There are a variety of roles within the Jedi Order and a Padawan’s area of study reflects that as well:      Prie's master worked extensively with animals, was known for it across the galaxy. If a planet was having issues with fauna, they requested him. Prie was a great fit as his Padawan. She had an intuitive way with creatures and an endless thirst for knowledge.      Their friend Jape had a brilliant grasp of astrophysics, which paired him perfectly with his more scholarly Jedi Master. Even Bolla, who had often struggled as an initiate, seemed thrilled with his new duties as a Padawan. He and his master spent much of their time in the Archives, researching. Bolla was never happier than when he had a holocron in his hands. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI SCHOOLING - PREQUELS:

Obi-Wan, in addition to the other languages he learns, is learning binary:      Obi-Wan was still getting the gist of binary, but from what he could tell, the droid was ready to go. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI AND COMMUNITY - PREQUELS:

     When he arrived, he skirted the edges of the extensive [Archives] rooms. He didn't want to attract the attention of Jocasta Nu or any of the other librarians. They'd all be more than eager and willing to help him, but he wanted to do this on his own. And he definitely didn't want to see Bolla.      Fortunately, there was no sign of the other Padawan, and all the librarians were occupied with a group of younglings. The younglings watched, rapt, as Jocasta Nu taught them how to navigate the labyrinthine shelves. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     He'd never been alone. The entire Temple was filled with mentors, teachers, helpers. There had been one time as a youngling when he had gotten sick. He still remembered the comfort of the Temple nurses, gently caring for him and bossing the droids around. It had felt nice to have nothing to do but get better, and to have capable, patient, caring adults there to make sure it happened. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     "Don't talk about it as if you understand! You have no idea what it's been like for us. You've been taken care of your whole life."      "You're right," Obi-Wan said. "I have. And I didn't have to find the Force. It found me.” [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI YOUNGLINGS AND PADAWANS ARE ADORABLE HELLIONS - PREQUELS:

     The same liquid Obi-Wan was soaked in flew out of Bolla's mouth, streaming down his scaled green chin as he laughed so hard he couldn't contain it. His fingertips were still suctioned to his own bowl of steaming—and decidedly demon-squid-free—supper.      "Ow," Bolla said, trying not to spill his bowl as he wiped under his mouth. "The spices in this soup hurt my skin!"      Obi-Wan's hands clenched into fists. Pain spiked through his raw and throbbing wrist. "Hot soup also hurts when it splashes all over you while a demon squid tries to inject you with poison!" [Star Wars: Padawan]

     He used the forms to move himself through the waiting creatures. It was hard not to get distracted by success as the creatures around them shifted aside without a noise or a threat, but Obi-Wan had plenty of practice doing his forms when things were chaotic. Though usually that chaos came in the form of other Padawan learners, as opposed to lots of animals with lots of teeth.      Then again, Padawans had teeth, too. They just didn't go to them as their first line of attack and defense. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Siri nodded. She and Obi-Wan had been close growing up, and he missed that closeness now. He missed all of them, really. They had been a merry band of brats, as Yaddle had once muttered under her breath during a particularly raucous lesson. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Obi-Wan does not miss a beat when trolling younglings, he absolutely has done this on a regular basis all his life:       "Oh, it absolutely is. Your horns will rot, and rockmites will burrow in and set up a nest. Isn't that right, Obi-Wan?"      Obi-Wan blinked in surprise. "Oh, yes. It's a hopeless situation for a warrior like yourself, once rockmites settle in. All you are then is living quarters, and they're terrible tenants. Always making too much noise and keeping you up at night, never cleaning up after themselves. Not to mention the noise of them chewing, chewing, chewing away on your horns." [Star Wars: Padawan]

Obi-Wan acts like this all the time, just casually “yah holding a live bomb helps negotations”:      "The impact might set [this bomb] off and hurt some animals. When we get on the other ship, we can figure out how to disarm it, or find someone who knows. Besides, if all else fails, nothing like holding a bomb to help speed along negotiations." [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Once, his creche had snuck into the lower sections of the Temple where the more aquatically inclined Jedi and younglings spent their time in vast pools. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Even Bolla would be welcome. Obi-Wan wouldn't ask a gobbler to eat him. Maybe he'd ask one to scare him, though. Just a little. [Star Wars: Padawan]

      Mem actually laughed aloud at that, and it cut right through the tension, like a lightsaber through a block of cheese. Bolla had done that once to see if it would toast the cheese. All it had done was make a mess. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Obi-Wan answered, distracted as he watched the younglings finish eating and then begin an elaborate game of keep-away with the last piece of fruit. Was he imagining things, or did they all seem to be more coordinated than normal, leaping and twisting and flipping through the air in ways he had seen only among Temple younglings? [Star Wars: Padawan]

     He could treat this like a game, though the potential bomb in his pouch did make the stakes rather higher than they had been at the Temple, when all he faced was Siri's teasing and Prie's transparent attempts to cheat. She hated games so much.      Now that he thought about it, though, he'd had fun with Bolla, hadn't he? They had played jokes on each other all the time. Once, Obi-Wan had swapped Bolla's wash cream for Naboo glitterpaste. Bolla had shimmered for days. He almost laughed out loud, remembering it. Bolla was right—Obi-Wan had been competitive. [Star Wars: Padawan]

    His confidence that everything was going to be okay was disappearing faster than dessert in an initiate dining hall. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI LEAVING THE JEDI ORDER - PREQUELS:

     "We keep our door open to my old master Dooku. Sometimes paths diverge, and he is walking a different one than the rest of us. But he is still welcome. If we cut off everyone whose choices differ from our own, we would stagnate and cease to learn, cease to grow. We must let people choose their path, and let them go as they see fit, but always leave a door open for them to return. Despite what others may call them, no one is ever truly lost. There is always hope in the Force.” [Star Wars: Padawan]

     If anything, Qui-Gon spoke of his old master with respect and admiration.      "He's here often enough," Siri said, folding her arms. "He still meets with the Council on occasion. Just because he's no longer on it—"      "No longer a Jedi," Bolla interjected.      "—doesn't mean he's not welcome here. [Star Wars: Padawan]

SECTION 4 - PSYCHIC SPACE WIZARDS DOING PSYCHIC SPACE WIZARD THINGS: JEDI CARRYING A PSYCHIC WEIGHT/FEELING OTHERS’ WEIGHT ON THEM - PREQUELS:

     Now that Obi-Wan wasn't braced for attack, he realized he didn't sense any threat from the gobbler. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Anger surrounded that wound and that ship. Anger and fear, two things Lenahra had never had to feel before sentient life landed here.      That anger and fear pulsed up with roiling darkness from the wound. It broke Obi-Wan's heart, tracing that pain as it spread out into the land around it, poisoning the trees, corrupting the gobblers, agitating the avalanches. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     His stomach roiled, head spinning. He took a staggering step away from them and the ship. That sense of wrongness had picked up, thrumming through him, setting every nerve on edge. "Can you feel that?" he asked.      Audj ripped the cloth away from her head tendrils. "Do you sense her?" [Star Wars: Padawan]

Jedi can sense other (likely active) Force-users:       And why, with so many Force users around him, could Obi-Wan not sense them the way he could sense Master Qui-Gon or the other Padawans? And what was that terrible low humming just outside his hearing that he could feel in his teeth? [Star Wars: Padawan]

Obi-Wan is confused why they can’t sense things empathically/psychically if they’re using the Force, and it’s a running theme, showing that Force use pretty much almost always automatically comes with being psychic:      Zae-Brii settled next to Obi-Wan again, turning to look at him. "You seem conflicted," they said softly.      "Can you sense that?" Obi-Wan propped himself up on an elbow, excited. "You can feel my emotional state? So you are using the Force in more than just—" [Star Wars: Padawan]

    "The Force is more than just physically sensing things. It can help you sense moods, calm emotions, connect with—well, almost anything." Obi-Wan was struggling to explain. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Obi-Wan smashed his hands over his ears, but he could still hear the screaming. He could feel it, like needles in his entire body. "Stop!" he shouted. "Something's wrong!"      [....] Obi-Wan could barely think straight. It was a wonder he was still standing. How were any of them functioning? And how could they not feel that whatever was happening was bad?      [....] Whatever his friends had done, it had hurt...the cave? The water? The roots? The planet? Obi-Wan had no idea. But it was hurting, and Obi-Wan was hurting, too. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI AND KYBER CRYSTALS + LIGHTSABERS - PREQUELS:

     He changed out of his dirty clothes, trying and failing not to mentally curse Bolla. Then he washed and wrapped his wrist. All the initiates and Padawan learners had tidy little burn kits, designed to soothe minor burns from lightsaber learning errors. He hadn't used his in so long, but he was glad to have it now. The gel instantly soothed his inflamed skin. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Apparently lightsaber practice with Padawans can get pretty chaotic:      Obi-Wan had plenty of practice doing his forms when things were chaotic. Though usually that chaos came in the form of other Padawan learners, as opposed to lots of animals with lots of teeth. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI BONDS - PREQUELS:

     He had lost his clan, his Padawan friends were all busy, and the most important bond he had was supposed to be with a Jedi who couldn't even bother to show up when he promised he would. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Jedi younglings have strong bonds with each other, such that Obi-Wan mentally compares them to the family on Lenahra.  He misses that connection multiple times over the course of the novel and not once says he shouldn’t, it’s always with the context that he should feel more connected to people as a Jedi:      Being a Padawan was so unexpectedly lonely. He wasn't connected to Qui-Gon, and he didn't feel connected to the Force, and all his friends were tied to other people more than they'd ever be tied to him again. Becoming a Padawan had always been his goal—the most important step toward his final destiny as a Jedi Knight—so why did it feel so much like a loss?      Maybe that was why he was dreading leaving Lenahra. He wasn't part of this crew the same way he had been part of his youngling clan, but for a while it had almost felt like he was. [Star Wars: Padawan]

SECTION 5 - JEDI TEMPLES: JEDI TEMPLE ON CORUSCANT - MAIN ZIGGURAT - PREQUELS:

     He loved the Temple, now that he was away from it and might not ever get to go back. He loved the pools, the underground rooms, the secret passageways he and his creche mates found, only to realize later they weren't secret at all. He loved the training rooms, loved sparring, loved the exhilaration triggered by the hum of the little droids that shot him until he learned to deflect with his lightsaber. He loved the Archives, loved visiting them and seeing the galaxy spread out, contained, knowable. Right there for them to learn about, right there for them to know how to help. An answer to every question. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Obi-Wan gleefully made his way down to the Padawan dining hall. If Padawans weren't busy, they could almost always be found eating. [Star Wars: Padawan]

    Once, his creche had snuck into the lower sections of the Temple where the more aquatically inclined Jedi and younglings spent their time in vast pools. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     Obi-Wan followed Qui-Gon out of the Padawan dining hall. They left the lower sections with their vast training rooms and various living areas, then wound their way up toward the gardens Qui-Gon favored. Obi-Wan liked them, as well. Or at least he used to, before they became the location of his most consistent training failures. Now even the fresh scent of a green space triggered a spike of anxiety.      In a quiet corner of the luscious and sprawling gardens, surrounded by vivid orange blossoms and the sound of unseen water, Qui-Gon sat on the floor. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI TEMPLE ON CORUSCANT - LIVING ARRANGEMENTS - PREQUELS:

     Qui-Gon sat on the simple gray cushion he kept in place of more elaborate seating. He had never added furniture for hosting guests. Obi-Wan always felt like he was somehow intruding, like there really was no place for him in Qui-Gon's life. He knew Siri's master had a table for two in her living quarters where they took most meals together, and Prie's had insisted on a Padawan room right next to his own so they could have easier access to each other when studying together. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     All around him were the small noises of other bodies sleeping. It wasn't that keeping him awake—if anything, it was comforting, a reminder of his days bunking with creche mates instead of sleeping alone in his Padawan quarters. [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI TEMPLE ON CORUSCANT - KITCHENS - PREQUELS:

     "They don't post guards in the kitchen," Prie snapped. She continued, her voice kind in the most horrifying way as she tried to be supportive. [Star Wars: Padawan]

The Jedi Temple has a variety of foods and spices, there’s always something unusual to try:      Obi-Wan looked in the container. Did they really eat only this? The fruit wasn't terrible, but it was stringy and fibrous. Too much longer here and he'd even be willing to risk tentacles to get some variety. With so many different species living at the Temple, there was always something unusual to try. "Have you ever had anything to eat besides this fruit?"      "It's food," Mem said, scowling at him from behind the container. She always kept something between them.      "Yes, I know, but there are other types of food. Varieties. Textures and flavors and spices and a million ways to prepare them all." [Star Wars: Padawan]

     His confidence that everything was going to be okay was disappearing faster than dessert in an initiate dining hall. [Star Wars: Padawan]

SECTION 6 - JEDI AND THE BIGGER GALAXY: JEDI MAKE FRIENDS WHEREVER THEY GO - PREQUELS:

     Now that Obi-Wan wasn't braced for attack, he realized he didn't sense any threat from the gobbler. He deactivated his saber and hooked it onto his belt, then put one tentative hand on the gobbler's exposed belly. It kicked three legs in the air, twitching them, and made a low rumbling sound that was all satisfaction and no anger. [Star Wars: Padawan]

     "Hello, friends," he said, reaching out a hand. Several little avalanche creatures rolled up, popping out of their tight rolls and nuzzling his extended palm. A gobbler settled on the ground next to him with a sigh, closing its eyes in peaceful rest. The pitcher plants' antennae danced in the air, and even the worms seemed to sway in a rhythm that was, once again, either extremely cute or deeply unnerving. Several flying creatures, small and fragile, broke free from their hiding places among the trees and landed in the clearing, rubbing themselves on the outsides of the pitcher plants and gathering spores they would carry to the trees.      One even settled on Obi-Wan's shoulder, singing high notes in his ear. Obi-Wan whistled back. The gobbler opened one eye, giving a surly huff of air.      "Oh, sorry, were you trying to sleep?" Obi-Wan laughed, patting it on its scaled head. [Star Wars: Padawan]

Obi-Wan makes friends with a whole ass planet:      A piece of the cliff rock beneath the droid shot upward, launching the droid in the most beautiful arc Obi-Wan had ever seen, straight over his head and down into oblivion.      The Force really had been guiding him exactly where he needed to be for Lenahra to use its terrifying power. "Just a reminder," Obi-Wan said, kneeling and patting the rocks beneath him, "that I am your friend." [Star Wars: Padawan]

     "Before I helped you, everything here was ambivalent toward me. Friendly, even. Because I wasn't stealing from the planet, or harming it. It only ever tried to attack me when I was with one of you." [Star Wars: Padawan]

JEDI OUTREACH - PREQUELS:

     He peered around the corner and caught sight of a tall black-cloaked frame and a head of elegant silver hair disappearing through a doorway. Whoever he was, that man knew a lot of the Temple's history. Maybe he was a senator. Politicians weren't common sights in the Temple but weren't unheard of. [Star Wars: Padawan]

[mimzy-writing-online]

You probably know this by now, I don't know if you keep up with Whumptober, but one of the prompts this year includes "blindness". I'm not blind but based on your posts about writing blind characters, and based on how I would feel if one of my disabilities were used as a whump prompt, I'm not super comfortable with it. I was wondering what your thoughts are on blindness being a Whumptober prompt.

(unironically and with feeling) thanks, I hate it.

Yes, I’m familiar with Whumptober, but I’ve never participated myself and I haven’t seen this year’s prompts.

Edit: I later did see the prompts and check out the blog. I think it's a good set of prompts and I look forward to all the promising content, especially since some of my favorite tropes are there. To be clear before you read this, I have no problem with Whumptober2021 or whump in general. This is not the first time blindness has been included for a list of whump prompts, and it won't be the last.

This post directed at the concept of "blindness" as a whump prompt and why I think it's a bad idea. The intended audience is individual writers thinking about future projects.

The timing of this is almost too perfect because I read a fanfic earlier this week that would meet that prompt exactly. Tags included whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. Now whump, hurt/comfort, and angst with a happy ending are tags I enjoy reading, but blindness as whump has a specific message to it.

To explain that message, I want to discuss what whump is. Many readers are already familiar with the genre, but I think taking the specific definitions and picking apart what it means and what expectations we carry when reading whump fanfiction

Urban Dictionary defines it as: taking a character and putting them through physical and/or mental torment and is typically followed by the same character being treated for their traumas. To indicate the characters place in the situation they’d typically be called a whumpee (the character being hurt/comforted), the whumper (the character that causes harm and trauma), and the caretaker (the character designated the helping/healing/comforting the whumpee).

Fanlore has a page for whump that explains it in depth, including where it started in fanfiction, examples of whump, and even a list of “popular targets” in different fandoms. (Warning: you might find yourself called out on the popular targets list)

“The term whump (or whumping) generally refers to a form of Hurt/Comfort that is heavy on the hurt and is often found in gen stories. The exact definition varies and has evolved over time. Essentially, whump involves taking a canon character, and placing them in physically painful or psychologically-damaging scenarios. Often this character is a fan favorite…”

To add to that, I think an important detail is the distinction Fanlore makes between hurt/comfort and whump:

“While some communities and fandoms may use whump as a synonym for hurt/comfort, there is still a recognition that whump refers to darker and more extreme scenarios. And there are still whump fics been written that have very little, or no comfort at the end of the story.”

The big appeal of hurt/comfort is getting to both explore the darker sides of pain and then experience the catharsis of being taken care of, of being supported by your loved ones as you recover from the trauma. The character is the proxy for experiencing those highs and lows while you yourself are safe at home.

I personally don’t read much/any whump without some h/c involved, but I’m happy there are stories out there for people who do enjoy it. I’m not here to judge what you like reading or what you do to your characters.

What I want is to express how blindness, my disability, used as a whump prompt personally makes me feel and what message it sends to me, to others, and how that message affects my daily life.

Whump undeniably involves watching a character suffer through something painful and traumatic.

My use of the word “suffer” is what I want you to focus on.

Vision loss can be painful and traumatic. I personally developed an anxiety disorder in response to vision loss. Others experience depression. For some it might result in relapsing into old, maladaptive coping mechanisms like drug use, self harm, or eating disorders.

A big part of my anxiety was how people reacted to my vision loss. It was a cause of their stress. They were worried because they genuinely believed I would never live a happy life without normal vision, and that my life would only be struggle and pain.

I recently saw an old friend who hadn’t heard about my vision loss. The conversation was awkward, but the worst part was how they reacted as though I had experienced an insurmountable tragedy. And even when I assured them I’m happy with my life, they clearly didn’t believe me. They acted like I was just lying or in denial.

I love that people want to empathize with my situation and ask themselves what they would do in my situation, but I hate when the conclusion they come to is something along the lines of “I could never do that, I’d be too miserable thinking about everything I lost, I’d never be able to do anything I enjoyed ever again.” But I did go blind. And I’m not miserable, I’m actually happy with the direction my life is going, and I still enjoy my hobbies, even if I engage with them differently.

I’m not suffering. My life didn’t end with vision loss. It’s not ruined, broken, or worthless.

I read a fanfic that was tagged with whump, blindness, and angst with a happy ending. A general synopsis of the plot: the whumpee had gone blind due to a curse. It was true love’s kiss that broke the curse. Even from the summary I knew it was going to end with whumpee being cured somehow and that I’d leave that fanfic vaguely dissatisfied no matter how good the rest of the fanfic was.

I can say this for the fanfic: the whumpee had already accepted that they would likely be blind for the rest of their life, but everyone around them was treating it as a tragedy that needed to be fixed, working tirelessly for a cure despite the whumpee’s protests that they didn’t have to.

It actually hit home to my personal experience.

I still left it dissatisfied with the ending. I might love curse fics in that fandom, and I love the “true love’s kiss” trope, but it wasn’t enough to distract me from the fact that: an actual person out in the world thought the best happy ending, maybe the only happy ending, would be if the character got their sight back.

(note: I clicked kudos and exited out of the story's page because no fanfic writer deserves unsolicited critique or hate, especially for content I consumed for free and at my own volition.)

Why read a story I knew would disappoint me?

Because blindness representation is so damn rare that I feel like I’m wandering in a desert, dying from thirst and desperate for that oasis. But sometimes that oasis is a mirage and the author is unintentionally telling you that your life is actually awful and you’ll never be fully happy like this. And that is a shit mentality to walk through life with.

I don’t appreciate blindness being a whump plot. I hate it. Hundreds (thousands?) of fanfictions featuring blind characters are about to enter the internet and the overall message is going to be “You poor thing! You must be in so much pain, you must be miserable! Who’s going to save you? Who’s going to comfort you? Wouldn’t it be terrible if there was no one in your life to take care of you? You poor helpless thing!”

And I feel objectified. I feel trivialized. The mirage in the desert is going to become a starch, empty room filled with dozens of water bottles, almost all of them poisoned. My representation is going to hurt me personally, and it’s going to reinforce that idea strangers have about how awful my life must be.

(I returned to school this past month, and every day I’m hesitant to tell someone I’m visually impaired because I don’t want to be treated differently. If I’ve managed to pass as sighted this whole time and then suddenly reveal “oh yeah, I’m visually impaired” I feel this instant silence, this pause of awkwardness as people suddenly question how they’re supposed to treat me. They treated me like a person, and now I’m something strange and unfamiliar.)

I’ve worked so hard to improve representation for blind people, to give internet strangers the exposure to a blind person they need to normalize blindness because I hope that if they’re ever so lucky as to meet a blind person, they’ll treat that person with respect. That hope that another person in the blind community will find a friend they feel comfortable and accepted with. I hope that I’ll meet people who accept my blindness as just another aspect of me (like being bisexual or gender fluid or a writer or a cat lover).

Please don’t turn me and my community into a caricature. Don’t erase everything I’ve worked for with this blog.

To be clear, this is not just me saying "I hate the cure trope" again. This is me saying "the purpose of whump is to painfully hurt your favorite character, and I hate that your idea of pain and suffering is my daily (wonderful) life."

[princeescaluswords]

I know it's said that antis ignore canon, but the most egregious example I've seen so far is where scott sees someone dying and refuses to turn them bcs being a werewolf os a curse.

My dude, have you watched season 3? I don't ask about season 6, but in both these occasions Scott was prepared to bite Stiles if it would save his life. I'm pretty sure his guilt abt Liam was the lask of consent not the turning per se

And this fandom pisses me off sometimes. Like, i love Stiles. Canon Stiles. The asshole who gets his ass handed to him and still jumps into danger for his friends. I actually like his whole " everyone but us can die" mentality and it's a shame the show didn't use this as a true conflict between him and Scott.

And i wish there were more Scott and Stiles fics where they're friends. Not even a ship, just friends.

They want Stiles to be a mom friend? Fine, help him tell Scott to chill and that being a true Alpha doesn't mean surrendering his life to it. Have Scott have to deal w the emotional toll of being a leader he never asked to be. There's so much angst to be taken from canon and they just invent new one that has no validation.

Idk, I'm mad. I'm mad at the lost potential and the constant blindness of it all

You should be mad.

The misinterpretations that anger you arise from very specific fandom behaviors which certainly aren't limited to the Teen Wolf fandom. They seem more egregious in ours because they are not only so easy to disprove, they are fundamentally opposed to the story itself.

And that's the root of the problem. I wouldn't say that antis ignore canon. It's more than that: they are hostile to canon. They don't look at what was important in Teen Wolf: the Scott and Stiles friendship, the Scott and Allison relationship, Scott's growth into a leader, Stile's resolution of his insecurities, Derek's grappling with his past, the growth of the pack, and say "how can I use these to tell the story I want to tell?" They look at the show and say "this isn't what I wanted" and instead of moving on to a show that gave them what they wanted, they have spent the last ten years and incredible amounts of content pissing on all the things that made the show unique.

Let me give you an example: I ran across yet another untagged post-Season 2 monstrosity which had Stiles irritated with Scott. He was pissed off because Scott put tending to Allison's wounds after a battle first, even after "she had tried to kill their friends." The monstrousness doesn't primarily come from the lack of recognition that in Season 2, Allison was Stiles's friend, not Derek's betas who disliked Stiles if not outright attacked him. It doesn't come from the fact that Stiles was never in Derek's pack. It doesn't come from the fact that this Stiles had no sympathy for a character who acted out because of the loss of their mother. It doesn't even come from the idea that Scott's only presence in the story was in violation of the Rule of Chekhov's Friend (an idea that originated with @lettersiarrange and I shall now begin employing constantly). The monstrousness comes from the fact that Stiles's irritation with Scott tending Allison's occurs while Stiles is getting chummy with Peter Hale -- the person who literally tried to kill Stiles and his real friends, repeatedly.

You see, I suspect you are angry because all these stories which are about Stiles aren't actually about Stiles. They are about a Self-Insert with a Stiles Name-Tag, one who doesn't care about the horror that Peter and Derek and the Darach and Gerard and the nogitsune inflicted on Stiles and who Scott fought against. Now, a little bit of self-identification has to be tolerated, because Fandom Bicycles is a function of fandom. But you might have noticed that the vast majority of these stories have been tilted in the direction of hot white male villains (and only hot white male villains -- Monroe doesn't get treated like this). And since Scott is the protagonist, then he must be the enemy.

And I state for the record that "ship and let ship" is not an effective defense because their content is not really about shipping. There is not a single thing in canon that would make Scott the enemy of Sterek, for example. Given that Canon Stiles was angry with Canon Scott for having hope for Peter, there's not much of an argument that he would be an obstacle to Steter. And it's not about the fandom relating their own problems with their friends, because if that were true, there would have to be more stories where Scott puts up with a pushy, mean, bullying Stiles. But there isn't. Their problem with the show -- expressed through their content -- is that it was focused on a particular protagonist, and this protagonist was Not White Enough.

So, I think anger is a pretty reasonable response.

[booksandabeer]

fic rec anon here, so I was specifically asking for recs because I'm on vacation rn and could use some long-ish reading material. I do like the pre-war flavor, but I'm not really picky about the plot or era overall, as long as it's written well, the characterization fits, and the dialogue flows easy

Ok, long fics to read during a vacation, you say? So nothing too heavy I think—although I personally am all for ANGST in my fave fics and I guess a lot of people would still consider some of these quite angsty? I tried my best!

Without further ado, I offer you a Stucky recs potpourri of five wildly different stories:

North Fork by @beaarthurpendragon | 62K, Explicit

Author’s summary: Sworn to silence by the Air Force after a friendly fire accident in Afghanistan, former aid workers James and Sam have come home to take over Sam’s family’s vacation rental business to escape the bad memories. Losing an arm and working maintenance wasn’t how James pictured his life turning out, but his life is good: He likes fixing things, he gets to work for his best friend, and he loves surfing every morning.

Fresh out of the ice, all Steve wants is for SHIELD to announce his return and let him get back to work so he won't have time to think about all he's lost. But when his psychiatrist refuses to clear him for duty until he's dealt with his trauma, he reluctantly accepts Tony's offer of a beach house for the summer to settle his mind. Armed with a false identity and a stack of sketchbooks, his only goal is to get back into the field. He's got no intention of letting his heart defrost along with the rest of his body.

That is, until a handsome maintenance man with a secret of his own shows up with a gallon of ice cream and a smile that could light up half of New York.

One of the best Shrunkyclunks fics I’ve read. Both, Steve AND Bucky are complex, fully fleshed-out characters in this, and — even more importantly—equal partners (something which I feel can sometimes be a bit of a problem with Shrunkyclunks). Bea is one of my favorite authors writing for this ship, so I’d also recommend any other story of hers. I picked this one for the ‘beach house for the summer’ premise, but it is really so much more than that. Features beautiful art by @lisamott9

These City Walls by @tessabennet | 88K, Teen

Author’s summary: Before there was Captain America, before there was even a war, there were two idiots in Brooklyn, just getting by every day, living a life, trying very hard not to let it show that they had, as a matter of fact, fallen in love with each other.

This is the first part of what I plan to be a multi-part fic spanning the entirety of the MCU, following Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes on their journey with, away from, separate from, and back towards each other.

A beautiful, in-depth look into Steve and Bucky and their lives in Brooklyn before the war. Be aware though that they don’t actually get together in this installment of the series (the goal of this series is to stay as canon-compliant as possible all the way through, with an eventual divergence post-FATWS to give these boys their much-deserved happy ending). However, if you’re into Pre-war Pining™, this will definitely hit the spot for you. And then some.

 A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall by @disraeligearsgoestumblin | 60K, Explicit

Author’s summary: He got off the boat in New York on May 13th, 1945, five days after V-E Day... 

A story of loss, grief, war, and a love that survives them all.

An AU set between 1945-1979, where Steve doesn’t go into the ice, but Bucky still becomes the Winter Soldier. This is the darkest/angstiest fic on this list, but it is so, so good and you will be rewarded with the most satisfying ending, I promise. God, just thinking about it, I want to reread this right now.

Space Oddity by @spacerenegades (crinklefries) | 147K, Mature

Author’s summary: After the world ends, things happen to Bucky in this specific order: he helps defeat Thanos, he rejects Steve’s attempt to address Feelings, he watches Steve volunteer to put the Infinity Stones back in time, he waits for Steve to come back, he is sad when Steve does not come back, he realizes that everyone thinks Steve disappeared in 2012 (???), he gets taken to space by Carol Danvers (!!!), he meets up with a depressed literal alien Norse God, he and the depressed literal alien Norse God travel through space, he and the depressed literal alien Norse God hit a wormhole and fall into the--Multiverse.

What the fuck.

This is the story of how Bucky and Thor pick up the pieces of their lives, find their own worth, find their own person, and find their way out of a multiverse of 100 realities stitched together with 100 tropes. There’s love, there’s friendship, there’s an extreme amount of Tesseract fuckery, but most importantly there are sexy vampires. Bon Appetit.

A love letter to Stucky and to fanfiction as a whole. It’s hilarious, heartbreaking, and just incredibly entertaining. The perfect binge-read for a vacation, I think. Also comes with beautiful art by cyclamental and @nalonzooo.

the world on fire by burlesquecomposer | 51K (WIP), Mature

Author’s summary: Steve loves old vinyl records, doodles on his files, and cannot remember a time that he didn't serve the TVA. And that suits him just fine—that is, until stray variant Bucky Barnes, fresh out of HYDRA's grasp, drops into his time theater and makes Steve question everything he believes in.

Yes, this is a WIP (a regularly updated one!), but PLEASE do not let this stop you from reading this gem of a story. It is well written, has a super fun premise,  clever plotting, wonderful characterizations, and a firm grasp on the SteveBucky dynamic. It is brilliant and I think it deserves a lot more love and attention.

This was fun--let’s do it again some time!