#you stupid stupid useless toxic lesbians

[whitechocolateanti]

my final announcement to all 2 people in the samtory nation if tory never gets to tell sam "you're alright larusso" at any point like johnny told daniel i kill myself

anyway doodles of the morally questionable stupid fucking bitch princess babies ❤️ SAMTORY SLEEPOVER!! we all say in unison

[disaster-theysbian]

Because @morningsolitude has specifically requested it, here is the rest of the Useless Lesbian Story of how my partner and I got together.

Quick backstory, we'd been friends for a year or so before having a platonic cuddle at a party. Then we realised our feelings weren't very platonic at all, and proceeded to dance around the issue for the next two months because... well, useless lesbians.

It started with me popping round to use her printer. Then it was popping round for cups of tea. Cooking dinner together. That kind of thing. We had a movie night where we shared our Favourite Stupid Films from our childhood, and it ended with a Very Awkward Handshake (story here )

Anyway, the following night was a Christmas movie night with all of our friends, including her brother and brother-in-law. All of them were getting ready to knock our heads together. Whereas the night before we'd had a sort-of cuddle under a blanket, we were so conscious of people watching us that we were sitting bolt upright and not touching.

Then our phones start pinging. A few of our friends started posting cute animal cuddle gifs in the group chat. We were smoking at the ears by this point. I went to the loo and actually heard her voice from upstairs (she never shouts, ever) calling her brother in law a twat!

She gave me a lift home that night and it was excruciatingly awkward as ever. But we both knew something was there, and we both knew that neither of us were going to be brave enough to say it.

So I decided I didn't have to say anything at all.

That week was Christmas, so I made her a card. A silver elephant wearing a Santa hat on a dark forest green background, bordered with holly and ivy, holding a single sprig of mistletoe in its trunk.

She came round for a cup of tea before giving me a lift to our craft group's Christmas party. I gave her the envelope. And promptly hid behind a cushion as she opened it and read what was inside: "Shall we address the elephant in the room?"

The next thing I knew she gently took the cushion away from me and pulled me into the gentlest, warmest, most comforting hug I'd ever had. I let myself melt in her arms.

I had come to realise, and realised over and over during the first year of our relationship, that I'd never known love before I knew her. Attraction? Yes. Desire? Yes. Infatuation? Yes. Codepedency? Trauma bonding? An innate, unmet need for validation that was preyed upon by multiple people? Yep yep yep.

Before I confessed my feelings to her, I didn't really care if she didn't share them. I just loved being with her. I loved watching her smile and laugh, and infodump about her favourite things. I just wanted to be around her. And the way she made me feel.

She made me feel like I was worthy of care and respect, without me doing anything in particular or saying anything in particular, or liking the same things as her, or looking a certain way. This was something I'd rarely felt, not just with romantic partners but among friends and family. As friends, she never treated me like I was extra special, never said anything cheesy like "you're perfect just the way you are". But I felt special just being around her. Just sitting there having cups of tea or eating dinner, folding laundry, doing normal shit. I'm not the only person who feels this way around her. She is so well loved among our friends because she so quietly, innocuously, makes you feel like you matter, without love-bombing you or putting you on a pedestal. She doesn't even know she's doing it.

She has given me back so much of my faith in humanity, in kindness, in patience, and optimism. She has given me back my own self, that I hid under layers and layers of people-pleasing cultivated by 25 years of toxic environments.

On Valentine's day just gone, I asked her to be my wife.

And she said yes.

[femsolid]

Sometimes I think radfems and feminists in general put too much focus on the past in certain instances. One example is the "holy mother goddess" thing. That's fine to speculate about but some women aren't religious and will find it off-putting. It's fine to look into past to study and understand women's achievements and history, but "Mother Goddess" thing feels very religious and Radical feminism is about Material reality. Some radfems underestimate conservative propaganda.

I agree. I lost a few friends over this, believe it or not.

See I had a group of radical feminist friends. We were even discussing serious separatist projects together, we looked into buying land etc. Then some spiritual women joined in, one in particular, let's call her Claire, a philosopher, deep into the woowoo pseudoscience. Like most philosophers, she would ponder for hours about pointless things instead of actually doing anything. Everyone thought she sounded smart enough. Except for me who was rolling my eyes and making sarcastics comments in the background. So Claire started avoiding me and I started avoiding Claire. No problemo. Except that while I was avoiding her she was spreading the woowoo. Before I knew it, the conversations had become entirely focused on the "sacred womb", the "true nature of women", "women think through their uterus" and other crap like that. They were proud to be bioessentialists at this point. I was bewildered. This was so far removed from our initial community.

When I asked for evidence regarding any of their claims they replied that men control science therefore science is irrelevant. They promoted motherhood as the reason for women's existence. I asked if being childfree made me a failed woman and if lesbianism was unnatural. They said I was being mean to the new guru Claire. Any resistance to these spiritual ideas started to be met with utter contempt. They said I was thinking like a man and denying my true nature you see. I just wasn't as enlightened as they were, with my stupid useless radical feminism. Of course the main women promoting holy motherhood were mothers themselves. Claire would say ridiculous unscientific nonsense every day and get praised for it.

And eventually they all became anti-feminists, they said feminism was about denying women's true essence, our real uterus driven instincts. Talks of the holy mother goddess were becoming the norm. Radical feminist thinking was not welcomed anymore, especially not my proclivities for scientific inquiry and materialism. And what a waste of time... All they did was complain about feminists while doing nothing at all themselves. The ambiance was extremely toxic. So when women were coming to us in search of feminism they were receiving agressive pseudoscience and spiritual anti-feminism instead. And that's when I truly became alarmed.

My "true nature" is confrontational it seems. If I have a problem with someone, I'd rather talk it out, so we can solve it you know? So I ended up confronting them all. Especially the one woman who was becoming like a cult leader. I told Claire this was all misogynistic and spiritual nonsense, in more words than that. She said I had dicks in my brain and that I had unresolved issues with my mother that I needed to take care of that was the source of my animosity. Charming. I told them all that they had become a religion and that I was leaving. And so I did. And then three other women who had witnessed the confrontation contacted me afterwards to tell me they were leaving too, for the same reasons. And so they did.

The irony is that I'm actually very interested in women's history, female figures in mythology, women's cultural impact. I've loved learning about ancient religions and their goddesses creating the world (and humans from clay! The bible is just bad plagiarism btw). I'm interested in many things. And even in my aversion for "spirituality" I don't mind the women who are into that, because for the most part it's harmless and it's just women trying to have a common culture and feel powerful. I kinda like it actually, I like the art they make, the sisterhood they feel, good for them, as long as they stay grounded in reality. Men have erased us from history and culture, it's nice to be reminded that we have existed and mattered. I also understand the need to reclaim and celebrate our bodies. It's not the problem at all.

Just beware of the pipeline to actual cults my friends... I've experienced it. No magic crystals and sanctified menstrual blood will elevate you towards liberation... only activism will. You need to fight not to pray.

[pageofheartdj]

you cry about being “bullied” and yet your going on other peoples posts and attacking them and picking fights. literally just sit the hell down and nobody would say a word about your stupid ship. like quit getting so heated over useless fandom drama and maybe, just maybe, you won’t feel like everyone’s out to get you the second they respond or post their own opinions. p.s. nobody is going to be okay with you erasing a lesbians identity. quit throwing amity into your boring het ship. you deserve every criticism you get.

If it's a useless fandom drama, how come you are literally here coming at me?xD

I aren't attaching much unless I try to explain a thing or two(which is not attacking btw. not agreeing is not attacking, especially not agreeing with false accusations). Besides most people don't even do anything except saying that they love this ship and yet they are immediately insulted. I admit, in some posts I might've come up more rude than I intended, but kinda hard to keep calm when because of the small ship you are being insulted over and over, directly or indirectly and for the fake reasons.

'Sit down' while you are being insulted, shamed and forced to feel like a bad person for liking some ship when there is literally no reason for it.

At the beginning I've barely even seen anyone saying anything about lunter yet there already were posts 'can you believe someone ships Luz with Hunter Ew how DARE they'. Are you suprised people feel the need to defend themselves and not being drowned in toxicity?

P.S. Amity is just a fictional character(a toy to play with, to put it simply). She is still lesbian in the show and thousands of fans still ship her with Luz. A small bunch of shippers won't erase shit. Het isn't boring just because it's het(or are you saying that boys by definition are boring or only gay ships are interesting?), most of the shippers don't ship them because 'finally a boy to put a girl with!' and they say they also ship lumity.

Do you... not know how shipping works? It's basically like an AU. Making Luz a witch doesn't mean 'you hate humans' or 'human erasing'. It's a simple 'I wonder what if'. Shipping works literally the same. 'Let's pretend in this non-canon alternative universe this character falls in love with someone else who is not the canon partner'. I just so happened to like thinking about Amity and Hunter(and Luz) and I am not goint to stop enjoing what my imagination gives me. If you don't like it, ignore it.

[catrasredemption-moved]

Honestly I’m considering leaving the fandom. As much as I love the show and it’s positive representation of neurodivergent people and queer people, I’m tired of these Anti Catra and Anti Catradora people trying to pull something out of their asses as “reasons” as to why Catradora is toxic and Catra is abusive. I feel like these “reasons” are deeply rooted in sexism and homophobia because if Catra was a guy and/or straight these people will say silent because “hot emo villain boy UwU”. And don’t get me started about the people comparing Catra to Kylo Ren and Zuko, as well as comparing Catradora to Reylo. These characters are from three different fandom, especially comparing Kylo and Zuko to a female queer former villain, aka Catra.

These people won’t discourage me from picking the show up again. But honestly these arguments are deeply rooted in homophobia and sexism.

They are, and it’s dumb and disheartening, and if you want to leave the fandom no one can really blame you or stop you. But it’s worth remembering that you can tailor your exposure of fandom to a certain extent. 

See someone with a hot take that’s stupid af? Block ‘em. It’s not too extreme or too much to block someone for posting shit you don’t like. Take the Marie Kondo approach - if it doesn’t bring you joy, get rid of it. Especially if you just want to enjoy the Catradora tag - block every anti mofo you see.

Blacklist. I have Kylo Ren and Reylo blacklisted because honestly I just don’t care about Star Wars anyway. I like ATLA enough still that I won’t blacklist Zuko, but everyone who compares Zuko and Catra gets blocked so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You choose who you follow. Someone consistently posting takes you don’t like? Unfollow. You don’t owe them anything. Tumblr/Twitter culture has this weird obsession with mutuals that makes you feel bad when you don’t want to keep following someone, but screw that. Again, if it doesn’t bring you joy, get rid of it.

One of the big problems with social media is the risk of falling into a vacuum, where you only see things you agree with, but you know what? Social media is supposed to be FUN, and I think people forget that sometimes. Especially the fandom side of Tumblr - we’re not here to get news or discuss political opinions, we’re to scream about fucking useless lesbians and things that live rent-free in our brains. We’re allowed to look at someone and say “No, you don’t jive” and hit the block button. We’re allowed to blacklist things we don’t like. We’re allowed to make this fun for ourselves. If anyone wants to give you shit about it, well.... block ‘em ^_^

[janiedean]

Antis are in the r*dfem cult too and it's sad how almost half of an entire generation of young queer people got recruited into that

I mean... the problem is that they infiltrated a lot of spaces when they should have been shut off since the beginning and I really just hope people wake up to how toxic and generally shit they are at some point never mind that they're nowhere near progressive, but the fact that it happened is bad and the thing is that... basically anti-ism and terfism have an entire list of shit in common starting with wanting people to conform to whatever they think is the correct way of thinking, being antikink, being anti sexwork, othering anyone who tells them they're wrong, discouraging critical thinking and mostly wanting to police what people are allowed to like or not, and like that's why all those dumbass posts that were around ages ago like 'ah op was a terf so I'm cp-ing from them so that they don't get traffic' were like the most fucking stupid thing in existence

because like sorry if I go into a rant here but point is: you can't steal stuff from a terf and presume to repost it as an opinion you share because guess what you're still sharing a rdfem opinion which is most likely not harmless - what is going to cp posts from terfs saying all men are a scum of the earth going to accomplish? it's a shit rdfem opinion that you should criticize because it comes from that side of the fence, and it's not like you can say 'ah I disagree with rdfems about trans women/trans people/being gender critical but they're right on everything else' because just that means that automatically they're cutting out of the list of ppl they care of everyone that's not a rich cis(het) mostly white woman and I put (het) in the brackets because then they preach political lesbianism and go around saying wanting to be with men is being brainwashed by the patriarchy and like... that's not a thing you can pick and choose. it's shit thinking. it's like that time I argued with one who said that going back to separate gender schools would be super feminist bc apparently girls performed better in a same gender environment and boys performed worse so it would bridge the gap in society and like

that just shows you don't know how a sexist society works bc if society is sexist it doesn't matter if a woman is more competent than a man I mean didn't the 2016 us election teach ppl anything

separated genders schools means that you don't interact with ppl of the opposite gender your age regularly every day until you're 18 and like... not to be that person but if you don't have friends of the opposite gender then how are you gonna interact with the opposite gender when you're in university? like... all these people say men should be more understanding of women but how can they if they don't talk to any that are not related to them?

where do you send trans ppl in this scenario?

what about lgbt people in general surrounded by possibly homophobic/transphobic classmates?

also those schools tend to be private in general so what if someone can't afford it?

like basically such a thing only favors (in theory) girls who are well-off, not lgbt and I dare say not non-good looking bc I can swear an all-girls school if you don't conform to whatever's the ideal is not the place you wanna spend thirteen years of your life, but hey that's feminist! because we said so! and it sounded good! yeah no, it's not feminist it's like dumbass 50s rhetoric dressed to sound feminist and it's the same for all terf crap - like you can scream that you don't like surrogacy how much you want and it's a thing that should be discussed/regulated, but someone telling me surrogacy is a travesty bc 'motherhood is a fundamental part of femininity' which is what terfs say about it means implying that if you're not a mother you're not a full woman and that if you want to be a surrogate you shouldn't which in one go negates body autonomy (bc surrogacy is also that if someone chooses to do it out of their own free will) and says that any woman who can't have children or doesn't want to isn't a whole woman, which... they might think it's a clever way to say trans women aren't women, except it cuts off each single cis woman who's sterile, every single cis woman who like doesn't want to have kids and on top of that sounds like victorian age bullshit bc what the fuck we spend the entire 20th century making the point that having children was a choice and a woman wasn't useless if she didn't have any and in 2021 we're sprouting this? like fuck that, and let's not even go into the antikink stuff because saying that if you like something in bed then the patriarchy influenced you OR it means you're not okay or whatever then it turns into whatever crap antis say about ppl being sick in the head for writing kink which is like not anything that makes any sense whatsoever and guess what you get sucked in like that and then you turn into the kind of idiot who agrees with trump/the american right wingers that you should have guards at public bathrooms to make sure trans ppl don't access the one of their gender and like.... sure, as a woman I feel so much more threatened by a trans woman using the stall next to me than by idk a guard feeling me up to make sure I'm a cis woman before I can use the bathroom, suuureeee /sarcasm

tldr: terfism is backwards right wing ideology dressed up as feminism and that people fell for it like this is a disgrace but I'm nowhere near suprised that terfs ended up recruiting antis or that antis ended up being terfs, bc it's the same kind of bullshit thinking and if you don't wonder why you're sharing the ideas of someone whose ideas you technically loathe then good luck not getting sucked in into cults like that :/

[kyshiwarrior]

addy is such a goddamn useless lesbian and im so PISSED at how STUPID she is . . . but then you gotta remember shes a teenage girl ... you gotta realize the real villain is a coach, a fucking adult, who used her an puppeteered her obsession for her own benefit. you have to look at power dynamics  and recognize something is very wrong and very off. I’m always proud of usanetwork and their ability to not romanticize that sort of dynamic being unhealthy and toxic. it was a new light of one girl being infatuated and the woman clearly just abusing that infatuation or not knowing the full extent of it. it’s so sad.  and so FUCKING CLEAR FROM THE START there was a power dynamic at play?? it frustrates me, and the PEAK FRUSTRATION happened and WARNING SIGN that couldnt have been more clear was coach french ripping addy a new one for coming to her when beth was drunk / drugged out of her mind and she was worried with no one to go to ---- but coach french ???  GOD THIS WARNING SIGN !!!!  of  bringing a teenage girl  to a suicide / murder scene  that was so graphic and horrific  and had her look at it ,,,  only to have the audacity to gaslight her and let her suffer in PTSD that could have been avoided ???? to have the audacity to make her not only do push ups but also with claps in front of everyone??? JESUS FUCK . . . .   that shit was  fucked up.  And then shutting her down in every way. Like i knew !!! i knewwwww something was off when she told addy to come to the crime scene.  something BIG WAS OFF because she had no business being there. im so frustrated and im sure coach french isnt innocent in any fucking way and its all fucked and im so MAD and want her in JAIL.    

poor addy . . . but also i wanna SMACK some sense into that dumb giel like....fuck.  Beth really gave her all  to try and get her to listen and she kicked her to the curb for the chance of being groomed.

addy is not the best of friends and coach french is a sociopath, change my mind.   (  and when i say sociopath, that is a term well worth investigating into season 2 because honestly im wondering if psychologically wise if she is of sound mind or her personality tends to lean towards apathy and being antisocial...like what happened to you to make you this cold and fake and manipulative? )  

(  im also so shocked about mr. french’s involvement and concerned they fucking had sex near a dead body, which crops up all sorts of different concerns.  LIKE WHAT HAPPENED SUNDAY NIGHT ?? )

[bionicdragonguardian1]

Ranma 2/4

Yup... I’m doing it... yes this how I plan, shut up

Part One: Chapters 1-12

Genderfluid Ranma Saotome

Bisexual Akane Tendo

BAMF!Akane if it kills me

More modern America take on LGBTQIA+ themes

Bisexual Ryoga Hibiki

Fuck the Kunos

Full Series AU because I am a fool who doesn’t know restraint

Magic Rules are a thing

I am actually going to keep a consistent timeline if it kills me

I have a PLAN

Very Minor changes to the actual plot cuz economics

Bad Parenting is addressed

Harassment is Addressed

I will make them acknowledge Physics/Medical because I’m an asshole

Pulling from both the Anime and the Manga

Still working through the Manga as I plot

Friendly reminder that Genma is crap

Friendly reminder that Nodoka is crazy

Poor Mousse

Soun Tendo TRIES really hard but grief fucking sucks

Nabiki is morally grey

Toxic Shampoo

Kasumi gets Character Development or so help me

polyship cuz surprises

I promise I do love this anime

I’m just stunned that so many people didn’t get a lot of character development

Actual fucking ENDING

I do actually hate Shampoo tho

I watch dubs

Ranma slowly starts using they/them pronouns vs switching

Ranma wears a bra, fuck you

Yes I’m using 2020 LGBT stuff BUT I will keep the tech as close to the 90s as I can (tho fair warning I was BORN in the 90s)

Toxic Masculinity addressed (yes I mean Ranma’s)

Ranma is awkward as hell

bc that’s what happens when you isolate a child, Genma!

Also, they spent closer to 1-2 months in China bc of how many things happen while they’re there

Homophobic/Transphobic Language

Ranma uses Ranko WAY more often cuz it makes sense

Tatewaki is actually not as stupid as he is in canon, but he’s worse

Kodachi… on the other hand... IS stupid

Canon Heights are used (hence the “actual magic” tag, it’s how Kuno explains it and is still wrong)

Ranma is a shitty liar, and trusts his friends (kinda)

I’ve never like Shampoo, I don't hide that

While reading the manga I’ve realized how often Ranma wears a hat in the early chapters

I love it

Laws Exist

Rule Enforcement

Adults aren’t useless

Demiromantic Ranma

Ace/Demisexual Ranma (I haven’t decided yet)

Demiromantic Akane

Pansexual Ryoga

YES Akane is Bisexual AND Demiromantic. It’s a thing!

Genma is a sonnova bitch and piece o shit

Diasuke x Hiroshi

Sayuri x Yuka

Polyamory discussions

Hiroshi x Yuka

Protective Ranma

Protective Akane

Protective Ryoga

Tendos adopt Ryoga bc they care

Cologne sucks, I didn’t realize that was justified until now

Minor Anime over Manga Arc Choices

People aren’t oblivious those around Ranma a lot pick up on the transformation thing (eventually)

Ryoga’s crush on Akane turns into something normal, I may be ~Aro but even I know that’s bad

The “Akane Can’t Cook” Joke was funny once or twice; NOT the whole series Akane learns to cook

WAY fucking sooner than she did in the Anime

Look, I get the stereotype but it’s NOT funny!

Manga Chapt6Pt3 cover gave me too many ideas for what I want to do to Ryoga & IDK how I feel (Tiny pigtailed girl Ryoga is just too cute that I want to drop him the niángnìquán)

I will use Wiki-Mandarin-Spellings for Jusenkyo Springs cuz I don’t understand a lick of Chinese

Certain Arcs will be skipped entirely because I HATED THEM (any time they showed up)!

YEET Tea Ceremony Arc(s), mainly cuz an outsider I didn’t get it like I’m sure I was supposed to

If I could just kill Happosai I would, but I can’t

Expect him to be VERY dead/gone post-Canon

Fair warning tho cuz I hate him more than I hate Shampoo or Cologne

Shampoo still sucks

I wish the scene w Hiro/Dai was in the Anime cuz it’s hilarious

Ranma’s hat is back! I love it!

Is… is Ranma ADHD or is that me projecting again?

God, these two are hopeless dorks

Was someone going to TELL me that Ranma’s classmates figured out the transformation BEFORE the Romeo thing or was I just supposed to sit there stunned when it happened?!?

Goddammit, I hate Romeo and Julliet

I don’t mean the ep, I mean the play/movie/etc cuz my school years have done it 1.6 million times that I just can’t stand it anymore

Gosunkugi… wtf is wrong with you?

STILL hate this play

I’m American, ok

this has been shoved down my throat since I was 8 so It never occured to me that Ranma not knowing Romeo & Julliet at all wouldn’t be weird

Ranma learns his lines (kinda)

Kuno is 600% the reason they go off script

...And Gosunkugi being creepy af

TBH where they go off script (like Akane’s sleep scene) I’ll probs redo purely cuz I know this play

Still hate this play

Lol, tape ain’t a thing, that’s hilarious

Ranma kissing Kuno, yes

Akane kissing Ranma, NO

It’s called FAKING it

You either get over it or learn to fake it

Is it wrong that it’s tempting to get rid of P-chan in chapt8?

Don’t answer that… I know it is

Akane you need to learn to trust Ranma

Like seriously… that’s the 1 thing that drove me batty

100% going for the Anime version of the Japanese Speong of Drowned Man cuz it’s funnier

(I’m still tempted to change Ryoga)

Since the Cookie thing came before any comment about Akane’s cooking (Anime) I just figured Ranma was like me and can’t eat a ton of processed sugar (yes, make you that sick) so... HEADCANON!!

But Ranma’s still awkward af talking about it

Yup, subbing out Sasuke for Gosunkugi

Ranma not realizing his dad was committing crimes NEEDS to be handled better

I see angst potential

Ukyo is def still cis-fem, that point at least works

Ukyo’s dad is NOT in the clear here

Friendly reminder that Genma TOLD Mr. Kuonji that Ranma had a fiancée

Jealous Ranma’s fun

Ranma… just cuz you’ve 6.5k fiancé doesn’t mean everyone does

I’m just saying, Ryoga only falls for Ranma

Is Ranma wearing a binder while cursed bad? I honestly don’t know…

Poor Ranma, I’d DIE!

Obvs changing the rules of the pill from “first person of the opp sex”

I’m thinking “first person you’d be attracted to” cuz it’s nice and inclusive and won’t make someone fall for someone they wouldn’t normally

I’m just tryin’ to avoid some gayboy from fallin’ for a girl or some straight girl fallin’ for a girl

I mean Ranma’s still gonna Insta Cologne

Rule gets stricter the longer the pill lasts

also incest needs to be excluded

Look, I am NOT condoning Mousse’s obsession

but Shampoo still sucks

Is me making Tsubasa mtf bad?

Someone tell me cuz I’m not sure

I think I accidentally made Ukyo transphobic… oops

Redemption? Hopefully, idk yet

Do you realize how much anti LGBT shit I have to work through?!?

Tsubasa’s issue is 600% that she’s a lesbian so Ranma being a guy (even sometimes) weirds her out which for the record is FINE since they haven’t been dating at all & Ranma didn’t tell her!

The ½ white ½ brown dog IS actually Ryoga’s?!?

I didn’t know I needed this!

Also she’s staying!

Is Sasuke an Anime character?!?! Idk how I feel about this…

Ranma is a little shit & I love it

My idea may’ve been wrong (and Ranma!) but I love the idea had that I’m tempted do it anyway

Alright, Ranma is def going too far… even I can admit that

I’m quite sad this arc wasn’t animated

I don’t know which one I want! Kuno sick vs sneezing cat?

I can’t pick!

They’re both perfect!

Yup, Shampoo is evil

Akane… tone down the weapons kay?

[cbk1000]

GATHER ROUND MOTHERFUCKERS.

I have dirt on the clinic I used to work for. Under a cut because this is long.

So, one of my former co-workers also got a job with the company I now work for. He works for a clinic they own and I work at the business office so we don’t actually work together, but there’s an inter-office instant messaging system, and most days we check in with one another to see how the other’s day is going (he was one of my fave co-workers at the clinic and we both served as a reference for each other, so he’s one of the few I’ve kept in touch with). Naturally, throughout the course of our conversations, we’ve both mentioned how happy we are in our current jobs, how nice our bosses are, and how relieved we are to be out of that toxic environment, so the clinic and our old bosses come up now and again. Today we’re on the topic of how happy we are in our current positions and how much we both like our bosses, and he tells me, “I’m hearing more and more stuff coming out of the clinic. Supposedly Bob (the husband; also I changed everybody’s names, FYI) and Veronica (the wife) are heading for a divorce, and Karen (the problem child secretary who treated people like shit and caused 98% of the clinic’s issues and was consequently promoted to a manager, as you do) and Bob are having an affair. I don’t want to believe that, but the person who told me is really close with Bob and Veronica.”

Naturally, I text my sister and tell her the latest, because you gotta’ keep your girl in the loop. This is earlier in the afternoon; a few hours later, as I’m pulling out of the parking lot at work, I feel my phone vibrate from a text message, but obviously can’t look at it. I make a stop at the grocery store on my way home, and pull out my phone to see who texted me, and it is a very excited text from my sister, all in caps, informing me that she ran into Veronica at the very same store, and she was going on about all the shit my former co-worker mentioned (she had texted me as soon as she got home, so this was probably half an hour or so before I arrived at the same store, because I’m always just shy of the good shit, dammit). I, of course, call her to get the good shit.

So here’s what Veronica tells my sister.

They are getting a divorce; he’s already living somewhere else, but some of his stuff is still at their house, so he’s been going back and forth. Apparently he will not tell anyone where he’s living, but my sister and I posit that he simply doesn’t want HER knowing where he’s living, because based on our observations of them over many years, we have every reason to believe that she’d kick down his door and murder him with an axe. He’s also leaving the clinic. One of the billing employees (there are only two in their billing office) quit because of all the garbage going on, and the other girl wanted to quit, and was only talked out of it because Veronica moved her out of the billing office (which is upstairs) into the area where my sister and I used to work, which is downstairs and away from all the drama, and Bob (he works in their billing office for most of the day, and while Veronica handles payroll, he handles the actual billing portion, along with these two other employees). Allegedly, he was really mean about their break-up, demanded she sign the divorce papers, caused a big scene, etc.; we highly doubt this, however. It most definitely might have happened, but it was probably her doing all the screaming and making demands. She has a tendency to not only be very aggressive, but also to turn everything around so that it’s his fault. My sister and I worked right around the corner from her office, and overheard many fights. They’d go something like this: she would scream at him while he stood there silently, every once in a while offering a tired-sounding word or two in response. Then he would leave, and once he was back upstairs, she’d come out to our area, and immediately launch into a woeful speech about how mean he was to her, how aggressive, how he completely attacked and blindsided her, etc. etc. To his credit (and I don’t give him much, because he’s no prize either), I never once heard him say anything bad about her. She, on the other hand, was all kissy face while he was in the room, and then as soon as he left it, would start telling my sister and me about how stupid and useless he was, that he was a pussy, that he was worthless, etc. etc., all in a tone I would use to talk about my worst enemy. I’ve had the impression for a long time that she loathes him. If at any point I’d ever come downstairs to find him murdered on the floor, I would have been like, “Ah; saw this coming.”

As to the affair, Veronica claimed that multiple people at the office knew about it, and just never mentioned it to her. She also claimed that Bob forced her to make Karen the manager and give her a big raise, that he badgered and badgered her till she finally caved and agreed. She said in hindsight it makes sense knowing there was an affair going on and he wanted to give her things, but this smells like bullshit to both my sister and me. A couple of reasons: it was long known by several people at the clinic that Karen would have been fired long ago if not for Veronica, because Bob couldn’t stand her. In fact, my sister said he outright told her more than once that he hated Karen because she caused so many problems with everyone. It wasn’t till recently that he suddenly started to take her side on things, which is a point in favour of the possibility of an affair, but let’s go deeper. A while before I left, I overheard a big messy blow-out between one of the medical assistants, Karen, and Veronica. Karen, as usual, had poked her nose somewhere it didn’t belong, acted like a jerk about it, and when the medical assistant stood up for herself, she got in trouble. I talked about this a bit some time back, so I’m not going to go into it again; let’s just say I was sitting across from Veronica’s office and heard a lot of what happened, and that poor medical assistant was railroaded by both of their gaslighting asses. I myself overheard Veronica tell the medical assistant that Karen had done a lot for them, so they really valued her, and that basically she was in charge and could do whatever she wanted, and tough shit. Also, I heard her say that she would fire everyone in the clinic if it meant keeping Karen, and other co-workers said they had heard her express a similar sentiment. Also to the second power: I don’t believe for one second that Bob ever bullied her into doing anything she didn’t want to do. So it’s highly suspect to me that making her a manager was all Bob’s idea when Karen had her nose so far up Veronica’s ass that they were essentially the same person.

So, while my sister is telling me all this, I say, “Well, whether there is or isn’t an affair, I’m guessing Karen doesn’t have a job anymore, because Veronica at least thinks they’re having one..” And my sister goes, “NO, that’s the fucking weirdest part--KAREN IS STILL THERE.” I’m the surprised Pikachu meme at this point. You are telling me that this woman, who gets angry just because Bob may have possibly given another woman a passing glance, is convinced that the manager, who has been her bosom ass-kissing buddy for years, fucked her husband, who is no longer part of the business and therefore has no hand in the hiring and firing process...just...lets her...stay employed??? That makes fuckall sense to me. I tell my sister maybe they’re actually the ones who are fucking; Mr. Jenn’s theory is that both Veronica AND Bob had an affair with her. Additionally: Veronica claimed that one of the other secretaries came to her and reported that Karen had told her she and Bob were standing out in the parking lot of the clinic, and Bob told her he loved her. Now, I believe this may have been said to the secretary; but I have a hard time believing Bob is THAT stupid, so I suspect that was probably Karen trying to stir up shit. Regardless, Veronica now thinks that her husband not only fucked her bosom ass-kissing buddy, but was ballsy enough to make declarations of love to her in the parking lot of their business, in the middle of the day, with patients and employees coming and going...and...she’s not...going to fire her???

I’m only half-joking when I say I suspect maybe there’s actually some torrid lesbian shit going on between them, and she twisted it around so that A. She could be the victim and B. Preserve her image as a Good, God-Fearing, Homophobic Christian. I just can’t fathom why she would keep that lady on, and she has ALWAYS been the driving force behind Karen getting special privileges and keeping her job when she otherwise would have been out on her ass years ago.

And that’s what I got for now, kids. Stay tuned, because I’ve got people on the inside, and I wouldn’t be surprised if more comes out in the following weeks. This is a goddamned soap opera.

[artificialqueens]

absolutely smitten (i'll never let you go) [branjie] - cherubi

(alternatively titled: useless lesbian pining)

(alternatively alternatively titled: how many times can i write words like ‘smile’ or ‘smirk’ in one fic)

wanted to write a fic inspired by absolutely smitten by dodie. finished it after about a month. here we are.

hope you guys enjoy this fluffy little pining fic! thank u to pinkgrapefruit & ace for looking through this for me and to everyone in the brainstorming discord channel, lol.

tw mild sexual harassment (partway through the section of ‘handsome stranger, you have made her happy, the first in a long time’)

-

she knows this feeling all too well,

she feels her heart begin to swell

Vanessa had had her fair share of crushes in her life, the majority of which having never been requited. It was just her luck, only ever crushing on straight girls, girls she didn’t even know. So she knew exactly how it felt when she saw a pretty girl across the room and became fixated on her for far too long. And she could feel that today was the day she’d have another one of those crushes the second she saw that woman across the room.

She usually hated working on the gym’s reception desk, having to deal with sweaty men constantly trying to flirt with her. God, she hated how they’d sneakily try and flex their muscles, leaning against the counter and winking at her, and all she could notice was the sweat dripping down their foreheads. It was somewhat of a relief to see such a beautiful woman walk through the door rather than another twenty-something-year-old man reeking of sweat and toxic masculinity. And, fuck, she was beautiful; tall with her long blonde hair in soft waves against her back. Vanessa watched as the woman stopped after coming through the entrance, running a hand through her hair before pulling it up into a high ponytail.

As she wondered what it’d be like to run her hands through that hair, see if it felt as soft as it looked, she realised that she was fucked.

handsome stranger,

you have made her insides turn to jelly

She’d been too busy watching that she didn’t realise when the woman had reached the counter, waiting to check in. The woman waved a hand in front of Vanessa’s face, an amused smile on her own at the obviously distracted girl in front of her.

“Hi? I’m Brooke Lynn Hytes, I’m supposed to have a training session now?”

Vanessa blinked, looking at her for a moment before nodding.

“Oh yes, sorry!” she finally said, turning to her computer, “Brooke Lynn, yeah?”

“Yeah. Two words, though - Brooke,” she paused, raising a hand to emphasise her point, “Lynn. I’m not a city.”

Vanessa let out a snort of laughter in response, looking back up at Brooke. The other raised her eyebrow, amusement still on her face, and Vanessa coughed, attempting to compose herself.

“Okay, Brooke. Kahanna, your trainer, she should be out in a minute. Do - uh - d’ya want some water or anything while you wait, or-”

It was at that moment when Kahanna had walked in, greeting Brooke and inviting her to follow; Vanessa couldn’t decide whether it was a blessing or a curse that she’d interrupted her rambling. Brooke started to follow Kahanna, but paused, looking back at Vanessa with an apologetic smile.

“Bye, Miss Vanessa,” she said, and then she was gone.

Vanessa took a moment to sit down after the woman left, butterflies dancing in her stomach even after the short interaction. She was intrigued by this Brooke Lynn Hytes woman - and she hoped she’d get to see her more often as the weeks went by.

she wants to dance around the room,

kiss you until your lips turn blue

Luckily for Vanessa, Brooke coming to the gym had become a regular thing. Unluckily for her, seeing the woman so often, tight gym clothes and messy hair, had turned her intrigue into a full-fledged crush. It had become more than just admiring how she looked - she’d gotten to know Brooke somewhat through their limited interactions whilst waiting for Kahanna to come in. Brooke preferred cats over dogs, Brooke taught dance at a local school, Brooke preferred tea over coffee, and Vanessa? Vanessa was obsessed with Brooke, apparently.

It hadn’t really hit her how bad her crush was becoming until she woke up one morning from a dream involving Brooke pinning her down, lips on her neck and - fuck. Since then, her mind had been wandering to the other girl far too much, picturing herself resting her head on Brooke’s chest, or playing with her hair, or walking through the park with their fingers interlaced. Maybe this was more than one of her usual crushes.

The morning she woke up from that dream, she came into work and practically begged A’keria to let her do anything but work on the reception desk right then. A’keria, the good friend she was, just laughed when Vanessa finally explained the story, telling her to go back to the reception with a ‘get it, girl’ and, well, if she was blushing and stumbling on her words a lot more than usual that morning, Brooke didn’t mention it.

handsome stranger, you have made her wonder

… is she pretty?

Vanessa had noticed after a few weeks of Brooke coming into the gym that she’d been spending much longer getting ready for work on those days she knew Brooke would be in. She’d began to worry more about her appearance at work, even getting up earlier to make sure she had time to make herself look presentable; she’d spend more time on her eyeliner, try more intricate hairstyles than the messy ponytail she’d usually wear, make sure her usually crumpled uniform was smoothed out. Though she was usually one for waking up ten minutes before she had to leave, rushing around the apartment because her bed was just too damn comfy, she’d now given herself much more time when she knew Brooke would see her.

Unluckily for Vanessa, whilst Brooke had noticed the change - she’d complimented her on her hair or her makeup more than once - A’keria had also noticed it, and was quick to question it the second Brooke had left the building. Feeling her face heat up when the other confronted her behind the counter, Vanessa couldn’t exactly convince A’keria that she wasn’t hopelessly in love with a woman she barely knew.

There was a glint in A’keria’s eye after Vanessa had attempted to explain her situation. SHe was planning something, Vanessa could tell, but before she could question it, she heard the familiar sound of the door opening and a customer walking in. She settled for a glare in A’keria’s direction, the other grinning back at her.

she’s absolutely smitten,

she’ll never let you go

“Why’d you put me on stocking the vending machines today?” Vanessa asked, trying to hide how much she was struggling to carry the box of assorted bottles to the counter top.

“Eh, figured you’d need a break from the counter,” A’keria replied, a small smirk playing on her lips.

“And you forgot that I can’t fuckin’ reach the top of the machine?”

“Girl, figure it out,” Vanessa glared at A’keria, who grinned back, shouting an overly kind ‘love you!’ before walking away, ignoring Vanessa’s yelling.

Vanessa sighed as she grabbed the first few bottles from the box, organising them into the machine. She was just hoping that she’d finish before Brooke walked in, if only so the woman didn’t have to see her struggle to reach the top of the vending machine (and totally not because Vanessa wanted to talk to her again).

As it turned out, Vanessa didn’t get what she wanted, and she froze momentarily when she noticed the jingle of the door and the familiar scent of Brooke’s body spray. She pursed her lips, standing on the tip of her toes as she attempted to slot the bottle she was holding onto its place at the back of the machine, trying to ignore Brooke’s presence in the room.

“You, uh,” Brooke started from behind her, noticing her struggle, “you need help with that?”

“Nope. I’m totally fine. I can reach.” Vanessa responded through gritted teeth and leaned further into the machine. She could tell Brooke was stifling a giggle - probably with that fucking smile she’d have on her face whenever Vanessa did something stupid - so, eager to prove she didn’t need help, she tried harder to reach the back of the machine and, as if Vanessa always had to do something stupid whenever Brooke was there, she felt her foot slip.

She had to stop herself from letting out a gasp when she felt a hand tentatively grip her waist to steady her.

“Why A’keria asked me to do this, I’ll never know. Child.” she said, turning her head to face the other, Brooke’s eyes locked on hers. Vanessa could almost feel the other’s breath against her forehead, noting that if she tilted her head slightly, she could probably kiss Brooke, and - Brooke let out a laugh, quickly removing her hand from Vanessa’s waist and stepping back slightly. The taller woman ran a hand through her hair, face tinged pink.

“You sure you don’t want any help?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Uh,” she paused, looking at the still half-full box of bottles she still needed to put into the machine, “maybe? If you wanna help? But, I mean, I can just get A’keria to do it, it’s not-”

“Hey, it’s fine. Gives me a reason to put my height to use for once.” Brooke responded, reaching for the bottle from Vanessa’s hand, hand brushing against her own as she did so. Vanessa hadn’t noticed the height difference between the two, not fully at least, until Brooke was towering above her as she easily placed the bottles into their slots. God, she was so tall, and stunning, and Vanessa just wanted Brooke to hold her, and-

She made eye contact with A’keria from behind the counter, catching a smirk on the other girl’s face.

If she hadn’t been utterly screwed before, Vanessa knew for sure that, right now, she was 100% smitten with Brooke Lynn Hytes. She truly was fucked, and she - along with A’keria, apparently - knew it.

that girl just there, yes, she’s the one,

with cupid’s arrow in her bum

It was A’keria who next interacted with Brooke, making sure Vanessa was anywhere but on the reception when the blonde woman entered. Brooke looked momentarily confused, A’keria clocking disappointment on her face for a split second, but just as quickly as A’keria had noticed, Brooke had put on a bright smile and had moved towards her.

“Morning!” A’keria welcomed.

“Hey,” Brooke walked up to swipe her membership card, “how’s your morning going?”

“Pretty quiet, honestly. But, y’know, I haven’t been working on the reception for ages. It’s usually Vanessa doing this stuff.” she answered, trying to watch for any reaction to the mention of the other girl. Brooke turned away, a small smile on her face, before humming in response. She began to walk away, pausing for a moment before looking back.

“Where is she, by the way? I, uh-” she stopped as if in thought, “it’s quite quiet in here, don’t you think?” she let out a laugh.

“Oh, just… about. Oh, by the way,” A’keria added, “any chance I can say something before you go?”

“Uh, sure, I mean-”

“I was just gonna say, I’ve noticed,” she glanced behind her to make sure Vanessa wasn’t listening in, “that you get along quite well with Miss Vanessa here.” She smirked, watching as Brooke parted her lips slightly in shock.

“I mean, I guess. She’s - she’s very nice.” Brooke spoke slowly, worried she would say something wrong under the scrutinising eye of the receptionist opposite her. Unexpectedly, A’keria cackled in response.

“Ah. She’s very nice, huh?”

“I mean-” she cut herself off, unsure of what to say. Luckily for her, at that moment, Kahanna had walked out looking for her, and Brooke let out a breath, “I don’t know. She’s nice, yeah.”

“Okay. Well, just thought it was worth pointing out. You two really seem to get along. And I’m tellin’ you this, just because I know she ain’t gonna do anything about it. Anyway,” she put on her best customer service voice, speaking in the overly kind voice she uses to talk to angry customers, “have a nice day! Thank you for coming!”

Brooke watched in shock as A’keria walked away, contemplating what she’d just been told. She’d thought Vanessa was pretty, yes, and she was absolutely smitten with the girl, as she’d told Nina multiple times since she’d first walked into the gym. She couldn’t get over the sly smirk on A’keria’s face as she spoke about how Vanessa enjoyed talking to her. Brooke had previously thought the woman was just kind because - well, she had to be. But after hearing what A’keria had said, she thought back to all of their interactions; of the look in Vanessa’s eyes as they stood far too close to each other, of the way she adorably stumbled on her words when Brooke was there, of the raucous laughter Brooke received after every joke she made. But then again, she was probably overreacting, maybe A’keria had just meant that Vanessa preferred talking to her over the sweaty old men flirting with her, or just that they got along as acquaintances, and not - well, not whatever Brooke was hoping it was.

She convinced herself that whatever she was hoping was irrational as she followed Kahanna into the gym and shook her head, willing herself to get her mind off that receptionist.

It didn’t work.

handsome stranger, you have made her happy,

the first in a long time

It was a few weeks later when Brooke came in unexpectedly; Kahanna had called in sick, and Vanessa knew she’d told all of her clients so, figuring they wouldn’t come in if they didn’t have the personal trainer to work with. She’d selfishly been disappointed hearing Kahanna was ill for the pure reason that she likely wouldn’t see Brooke. When A’keria asked, she’d answered that she was worried about Kahanna getting iller - the way A’keria looked at her though, that knowing glint in her eye, proved she knew that wasn’t the reason.

“Hey,” Vanessa welcomed as Brooke neared the desk, a slight confused edge to her tone, “y’know Kahanna’s off ill today, yeah? Figured I’d told everyone, but knowing me, I coulda forgot.” she continued, despite knowing that Brooke had been the first person she’d contacted.

“Yeah. Decided to come in anyway, though - gotta keep that routine going, you know?”

Vanessa hummed in response, reaching for a towel and placing it on the countertop. She expected Brooke to take it and be on her way, but when she looked up, the other was Brooke her, a small smile on her face.

“How’ve you been?” she asked, leaning slightly on the counter.

“Huh?” Vanessa blinked, confused that she’d stayed when she easily could have gone into the gym.

“How are you? Just tryna make conversation, I guess.”

“Oh! I’m, uh, I’m pretty good. Been quiet this morning with Kahanna being off and all.”

“Quiet? With you in here? I somehow doubt that.” Brooke joked, her perfect lips curved into a smirk.

“Bitch!” Vanessa yelped, swatting at Brooke playfully, before pausing, her face turning red. She looked down at the floor as she rambled. “Sorry, oh my God. That was unprofessional of me, I just-“

“Hey,” Brooke tried, Vanessa continuing to worry, “hey.” She said once again, moving her hand to gently tilt Vanessa’s face up to make eye contact, “it’s fine.”

Vanessa took in a sharp breath, noticing how close their faces were once again and taking a step back to stop her from doing anything else stupid.

“Sorry, I just,” she sighed, “I don’t know why A’keria hasn’t fired me, honestly. Not sure I’m cut out for a customer service sorta job.”

“You’re likeable, though. People love you.”

“I mean, I guess. But I’m not prosef- profeso- I’m not smart and business-y and stuff.”

“Everyone loves you anyway, Vanessa.”

Before Vanessa could respond, a man had walked up to the counter. Brooke jumped, shuffling to the side of the counter, a small smile on her face as she looked at Vanessa. Vanessa cursed the man for interrupting their conversation, figuring that Brooke would leave now that their chat had been cut off.

“Hey, princess,” the man leered at her, reaching to run his fingers through her hair. She stayed frozen, unsure of what to do for a moment as he twirled his hand through a section of her hair, before jerking away suddenly.

“Please don’t touch me, sir. You can sign in here,” she said, trying to move his focus onto the sign-in scanner.

“And this pretty little lady’s allowed to?” he responded, gesturing towards Brooke, who looked uncomfortable under his gaze, fists clenched on the counter.

Unsure of how to respond, Vanessa looked to Brooke, making uncertain eye contact. She’d hoped that the man would get bored, but as he continued watching her, she figured it wasn’t going to be the case.

“Because I’m her friend. You’re a strange man trying to touch an innocent fucking receptionist, and I think it’d be smart for you to fuck off.” Brooke said, tone cold and voice held back as if she was trying not to yell. The man glared at her, letting out a grunt before storming into the gym. The two stood in silence for a few moments before Vanessa took in a shaky breath.

“Fuck. You okay?” Brooke broke the silence, concern for the shorter woman evident in her tone.

“Eh. I’m used to it, I guess. They’re like this most of the time.” She looked at Brooke with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Brooke’s heart broke for her.

“You want a hug?” Brooke asked as she noticed Vanessa still faintly shaking. The shorter woman nodded wordlessly, walking around the counter to snake her arms around Brooke’s waist. Vanessa’s body relaxed into Brooke’s as Brooke moved her arms to hold her, resting her chin against Vanessa’s head. Vanessa felt safe with Brooke’s protective arms around her, felt warm in the embrace. She sighed as Brooke rubbed her back before parting from her, a faint blush on both their cheeks.

“Thank you,” Vanessa whispered, turning to walk back behind the counter. The two stood in a strange but not uncomfortable silence as Vanessa began to rifle through some papers on her desk in an attempt to get something done to get her mind off of how badly she wanted to kiss Brooke right now. She absentmindedly tapped her nails on the desk rhythmically, unaware of Brooke regarding her with a small smile on her face.

“Hey, Vanessa?” Brooke broke the silence first.

“Yeah?” Vanessa looked up from the sheets on her desk, tilting her head.

“You look really pretty today.”

Vanessa could feel a blush creeping up on her face, and ran a hand through her loose hair somewhat self-consciously.

“Thanks, Brooke,” she responded after a moment, her voice much softer than any other time Brooke had heard her speak.

“So she can speak without yelling. Who’d’ve thought?”

Vanessa let out a snort of laughter, aiming a mock glare in the other’s direction before the two burst out laughing. God, she really liked Brooke - really enjoyed talking to her, joking with her, just looking at her, honestly.

The two chatted for longer than either of them had expected or planned, Brooke waiting off by the side of the counter whenever someone came in and Vanessa had to work before resuming whatever conversation they’d been having prior. Vanessa caught herself falling for Brooke even more with every joke she made, every time she caught the other watching her with a smile when she thought Vanessa wasn’t looking.

Brooke had been shocked when she looked at the clock for the first time since she’d arrived, noticing how long she’d been eagerly chatting to the receptionist. Realising she’d probably been stopping Vanessa from getting her work done, and noticing that she also had work to do, she bit her lip, contemplating whether or not to leave. While she didn’t want to, she knew she probably should, if only to make sure Vanessa didn’t get in trouble for not working all day.

“Oh God, I should probably be leaving now, huh? Didn’t realise we’d been chatting so long,”

Brooke noticed Vanessa’s face fall slightly in response, the eager smile she’d had previously from a joke they’d made fading.

“Yeah. You probably have shit to do,” Vanessa replied, looking down at her desk.

“I’ll see you next time I’m in, I guess.” Brooke picked up the gym bag she’d placed on the floor however long ago - at this point, she wasn’t even sure, having only been focusing on trying to make Vanessa laugh the whole time they’d been talking. She loved hearing the other girl’s laugh; a loud, joyous laugh filling the room, making Brooke want to laugh with her. Vanessa’s smile, too, was gorgeous, she noted, as she pictured how Vanessa had grinned up at her, listening intently to whatever she’d been saying.

“Bye!” Vanessa shouted as Brooke began to walk away. Brooke turned around, blowing an exaggerated kiss to the younger woman before shouting ‘bye’ back as she walked out of the door.

Vanessa didn’t even notice that Brooke had never gone into the gym until A’keria pointed it out to her, the unused towel still on the edge of the counter.

did you just whisper in her ear?

words she only dreamed to hear?

A few weeks later, Brooke came in slightly late, much quieter than usual. She seemed in a rush, hair already in a haphazard bun and face flushed as if she’d been running.

“Hey,” Vanessa began, “you okay?” she questioned unsurely, as if she couldn’t decide whether or not she should ask.

“Yeah,” Brooke responded after a pause, “just stressed, I guess. You don’t need to worry about me.”

Unconvinced, Vanessa raised an eyebrow but chose not to question it further. She figured if Brooke wanted to talk about it, she would, and constantly questioning her would probably just annoy her.

“Hope you’re doing okay, Brooke.”

Brooke smiled gratefully as she walked in to meet Kahanna.

Vanessa watched, confused, as Brooke left. Brooke had seemed anxious, almost; like how a student would look in the run-up to their exams. She just hoped the other woman would feel comfortable enough to talk to her about it at some point - she wanted to be there for her.

-

Brooke stepped out of the changing rooms refreshed after the workout, it having served to clear her head, if only temporarily. As she walked, worry began to overcome her again, thinking about all of the what if and the how do I do this and - she paused, took a breath. Noticing A’keria working down the hall, she decided to go over and talk to her, if only to warn her of what was about to happen, knowing she’d be interested.

A’keria noticed her presence before she’d even reached her, stopping what she was doing to wave at her, grinning.

“Hey, boo. This about Vanessa?” Brooke knew she’d figure her out quickly, but hadn’t expected it to be this quick; she opened and closed her mouth in surprise, wondering how exactly to respond.

“Yeah, actually. I was thinking-”

“You wanna ask her on a date finally?”

Brooke spluttered, once again unexpecting of such a quick response. Worry began to bubble up in her chest again,

“Uh, yeah,” she spoke slowly, trying to gauge A’keria’s reaction to the idea. The other’s smile grew wider.

“God, I’ve been waiting for this!” she exclaimed, her hands waving a little in excitement..

“Yeah,” Brooke smiled shyly, “you think it’s a good idea? She’ll want to?”

“Honey, if only you knew what I’ve gone through since she first saw you. If she doesn’t, I’mma be mad. You should go for it.”

Brooke’s worries calmed slightly in response to the encouragement, and she nodded. Before she could say anything, A’keria was speaking again:

“If you wait a minute, I can go on the reception. Y’know, let Vanessa go out on break.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“Just as much for her as it is for you,” she paused, smirking, “for me too, actually. Maybe she’ll finally shut up about you.”

-

Vanessa hadn’t expected to have a break right then, but she sure as hell wasn’t complaining - especially when she saw Brooke come out at around the same time. The taller woman still seemed anxious, picking at her nails, but somewhat less so than she’d seemed this morning. Vanessa smiled at her when they made eye contact, gesturing to the outside door.

���Come with?” Brooke nodded. If Vanessa didn’t know better, she’d have thought she saw Brooke look back and nod at A’keria. She figured she’d imagined it.

Brooke followed Vanessa around to the side of the gym and leaned against the wall. She thought she looked absolutely stunning under the mild sunlight, hair tousled slightly from the wind.

Vanessa reached into her pocket, grabbing a packet of cigarettes and holding it out to Brooke

“Want one?”

“Thanks,” Brooke answered, reaching for one out of the small box and lighting it with the lighter Vanessa offered her soon after.

“It’s nice out here,” Vanessa started, taking a drag of her cigarette, “if ya ignore the dumpsters, I guess,” she grinned.

Brooke hummed in response.

“Hey,” Vanessa paused, turning to face Brooke, “you wanna tell me what’s up, now?”

“Nothing’s up, really. Kinda anxious, I guess.”

“‘Bout anything in particular?” she questioned. Brooke shrugged.

The two smoked in silence for a few moments, Brooke’s hand brushing as she shuffled next to Vanessa.

“Vanessa?”

“Hm?”

“Forgive me if this is too forward, but. I was wondering. If,” she paused, trying to figure out what exactly she was going to say before it all came out a jumbled mess, “if you wanted to get coffee with me after you finished work? Whenever that is. I mean, you don’t have to, obviously, but-”

“Hey. I’d love to,” Vanessa answered, interrupting Brooke’s rambling. She responded without fully registering the question, jaw dropping as she actually took in what Brooke had just asked. She grinned as she tilted her head up to look at Brooke properly, “Yeah, I’d love that.”

“It’s a date then, Miss Vanessa.”

“Better be a good one.” Vanessa deadpanned, sticking her tongue out at Brooke, who rolled her eyes in response.

“Shut up,” Brooke smirked, “Y’know, I was scared to ask you. A’keria sorted me out though.”

Vanessa’s eyes widened, remembering the interactions she’d thought she’d imagined between Brooke and A’keria. She thought back to the times A’keria had specifically put her on anything but the counter when Brooke walked in, to how she was suddenly given a break as Brooke walked out, to the nod she thought she’d seen between the two only minutes prior.

“Wait, bitch!” she shouted in shock, “What the fuck! Y’all was conspiring, I knew you was!”

Brooke just shrugged, a wide smile on her face at Vanessa’s antics. She reached out to grasp the other’s hand when as she waved it about. Vanessa paused her yelling to look at Brooke, a small smile on her face.

“You’re cute.” Brooke said, pulling Vanessa’s hand so the two were stood closer to each other and moving her other hand to rest just above Vanessa’s waist.

“Oh, I am?” Vanessa responded flirtily, twisting her hand through the ends of Brooke’s hair. She bit her lip as she looked up at Brooke, a glint in her eye.

“Yeah. Real cute,” she repeated, a small smile still playing on her mouth, and licked her lips. She ran her fingertips up and down Vanessa’s back, Vanessa standing on her tiptoes as she maintained eye contact with Brooke.

“Awful kind of you,” she whispered, her face edging closer towards Brooke’s, both knowing that they only needed to lean in a little more before their noses were touching, before their lips were. Brooke breathed out, her breath tickling Vanessa’s nostrils, and made the move to kiss her. Unexpectedly, Vanessa stepped back, Brooke already missing the warmth against her body. Brooke pouted, reaching out for the other’s hand.

“You’ll have to take me on that date first, Miss Brooke,” she whispered, a smirk playing on her face, as she stubbed her cigarette out and walked away, the sway in her hips much more prominent than before. Brooke shook her head fondly as she watched the other leave, excited to spend more time with the fiery girl whom she’d become truly enamoured with.

and it’s too late,

you believe in fate,

you’re absolutely smitten,

you’ll never let her go

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

In my humble opinion, the wlw community is very toxic in the fact I feel as though it pressures lesbians and bisexual women to be attracted to all women. There is a very strong narrative of “I’m so dumb and useless and I love EVERY women!! All women are so attractive and I turn into a stupid idiot mess around every girl EVER!!!”

I mean, good for you if you are that way, but most people aren’t. I’m here to tell you it is absolutely okay to find some, or even most, women unattractive. As a younger lesbian I felt a lot of pressure to lie about what I was attracted to in other women, because I thought I was a bad woman hater who was judgemental if I found women ugly or not my type. I, like most other people, have a pretty set types of attributes and physical features I’m attracted to. In all honesty, I don’t often find women that both fit my physical and emotional desires. And that’s okay!! I don’t call these women awful names, I don’t treat them poorly, I’m just not attracted to them romantically or sexually. You’re allowed to find women ugly and unappealing. If you only ever want to date women that are under 5’3 who have hairy legs and shaved heads, DO IT!! If you only like women who are over 6’0 and wear hells and tight dresses, thats great!! Don’t compromise what you like or want because you think you have to. ,wlw communities go through phases of what type of woman they promote as the ideal woman to date, or that every lesbian is useless for (ie, big titty gosh gf, etc), but don’t take it seriously. It is just people pushing their desires onto other people. You are a whole and complete lesbian or bisexual women regardless of the type of women you like.

[pinkcloudsnightlightbell-remade]

TW heavy

For once I don't feel like asking advice would be a sign of weakness.

I WANT AND DESERVE MORE. I WANT TO LIVE. I DONT WANT TO KEEP WANTING TO DIE. I DONT WANT THIS AND I WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT. LIFE AND STRENGTH AND LOVE SEEMS SO FAR AWAY TIL RECENTLY. BUT IM STILL SO TRAUMATIZED AND SO PRONE TO DEREALIZING. HEALTH AND HAPPINESS ISNT A PRIVILEGE RIGHT...? I WANT MORE. ISNT LIFE A RIGHT

Even if my parents have done their middle class most to feed house and even help get me out of credit pits and even though they aren't physically abusive they have been abusive to my older sister who committed suicide after secretly being a victim of child sexual assault dismissive neglectful emotionally mute narcissistic feudalistic and ableist and rape apologists. I HAVE built up this role and this mask where I am tolerable to them so they do not find me problematic day to day. I keep telling myself that I can be bitter but I just can't shake this feeling that maybe I'm just an entitled millennial who got cucked and I'm wrong. But I have been formulating a plan to get a diploma while I am under their roof then run away one night with some money saved and live alone instead of doing this song and dance of bad class analysis where I pretend like I'm not supposed to be doing anything remotely political just put my head down work make money be less of an embarassment go to a bank get loans just to get degrees certificates jobs get cars move around be socially pleasant meet someone to make babies with (I'm bisexual/pansexual and poly...But I am trans and my parents have major issues confronting that even if they pretend to be absolutely progressive minded" (TM) like being literate and half way informed is the same thing as actually really thinking about microaggressions and oppressive behaviours they enact in oorder to be better supports which they haven't) and while their ~support~ of me being mentally ill/disabled and actively suicidal is something that did come across the first week of our bereavement--literal days before the funeral-- their twisted toxic manner of mourning has made me suicidal at least three times as of 27th December 2018; and their responses to coming out as transmasculine and bi was dont get all PC snowflake on us (Read:shut up about it unless we feel ready to go ask you curtly and rudely) and then two days after when I actually felt soft and tender enough to say I had visions of dying violently because of how terribly small and useless I currently feel they begged and begged me to make calls on my own and handle things myself because Hey We Are Really The Ones Who Are Suffering And Mourning Why Are TWO of Our Daughters Suicidal I Am Truly Suffering. Implied--"we will have insurance cover this therapy shit you should be happy haven't we mentioned it to your idiot face already just leave us alone about this shit". I may have had to survive day after day through my depression since 2014 by thinking they weren't people to open up to but that doesn't mean that they can say that. Imply that. They CANNOT

They cannot.

But they did.

They did it. They fucking did that when my heart finally came around to a place of, "Well I understand that they haven't experienced surviving and being a victim of violence and victim blaming and being transgender is foreign and even vilified so that's fair and here are all their siblings coming to the funeral to feed and help us in the aftermath and to keep us housed through all the preparations so how come, among and amidst all this compassion, they seem so hit by Stupid Bitch disease? Wtf why *shouldnt* anybody deal with depression by themself!

" I don't know that all the fear you felt before this bereavement of being in the same room holds up when they can just be seen as foolish and immature. You can 100% deal through therapy with the ableism and gaslighting you endured the silence around your constant issues with being fired at jobs you hated the the moments of realizing they want to be white passing and are sociopathically happy to be alone and have no hobbies and live in codependent relationships where they treat others like infant children or wayward siblings who need a firm hand but not heart to heart talks or reassurances or loving toughness... so just try to be uncomfortable and just shore up and bolster your underlying hope of seeing your long held affectionate blindly loyal love reciprocated.

"Keep up that small hope and bury all your pain and your furious and sour resentment if it means their happiness is number one in my life. Just do it Isagani! Do that... because it is Good." I tried it and I fell apart. I functioned for a week or two but now I am just as prone to sleeping and alcoholism and moreover, I want to escape but now I feel like hiding my desires to just pay my own way through art college and transitioning in a nearby city is nothing compared to our long history of living as a dysfunctional but somewhat stable household. /:

I FEEL like I understand I should leave but I suddenly feel ... IDK like I'm sinning before Jesus himself. What would it mean to pick up a backpack my laptop and a suitcase of clothes and some money and just go...and... Wouldn't it destroy their happiness and their legitimacy as NOT bigoted parents and NOT bad community members and NOT hypocritical and NOT at all to be blamed. ////:

I would leave them a note... I would say to meet me in 2027 in a town I feel has a small leftist community called Tavistock in South Devon in Britain and I would leave a blog entry where I detail my grief and my pain.

I wrote the post one evening on the 19th where I realized I've been covering for them even though my little lesbian moderately autistic and anxious sister had her birthday and needs my brutal honesty and my parents to stop dismissing me the most.

It (the blog post that is) speaks to my analysis of their issues and I don't want to leave without a note because they might feel like I have just gone away in a panic and might turn up dead just as my late sister did... What I want to know is should I make an escape, or should I stay with them.

I need to decide but I feel so confused. Please help I think I ... can't see a way out

■

isagani \ 26.\ marxist feminist \ communist \ atheist \ very bi. \ filipino migrant. \ transgender nb. \ femme in the s.g.a. woman sense.(anons are open) \ 4 years past a severe depressive breakdown. \ scorpio passing

[acupofmatt-blog1]

A New Genesis→ MATT (SELF-PARA)

Tagging  → mentions of @acuplara

Location→ a church somewhere in Chicago (Note: she is not having sex here, I promise)

Date→ September 7, 2018

Summary→ After having left New York City for a week, Matt walks around the streets of Chicago in hopes of finding a solution to all the problems she’s spent a while running from. Upon exploring, Matt stumbles into a church and finds out she’s not alone.

It didn’t matter what city Matt traveled to. At the end of the day, she still felt that loneliness despite the fact that she was surrounded by swarms of people. Sometimes, it was the loudest places that maintained the quiet while the quiet places were too loud to handle. Matt wasn’t sure which was worse.

           So now Matt was walking with no set plan of where she’d wind up. She was walking for the sake of walking. For the sake of thinking. And to be quite frank, Matt had a fuck ton to think about.

           Where could she even begin?

           Matt was never particularly great at feelings or allowing herself to feel them unless it she felt them recklessly. Even when Matt was 16 years old and had fallen for her best (straight) friend, Viviana. Matt didn’t go up to her and told her “I like you.” Instead, she pulled Viviana in for a heated kiss and hoped that spoke enough. It earned her a slap in the face.

           Matt was always great with action. Reckless action. It’s why she was so perfectly content with sex. Sex was pure action, and Matt couldn’t fuck that up. But when feelings were involved? And Matt had to talk about those feelings? Suddenly, Matt’s actions would freeze.

           And then Lara came along. And Lara tried to get Matt to do more feeling and talking instead of just reckless action. For a while, it worked. Matt talked and felt. Sure, it came in the form of nervous word vomit, but God, it was the first time Matt ever came close to trying to communicate in more than just fucking and stupid, reckless (and now completely shitty) behavior. It was scary, but it was so beautiful. For a good minute, Lara made Matt feel like maybe she hadn’t been a malfunctioning human this entire time, she just needed someone to put in a screw and pound her in the head.

           Clearly, it didn’t work. Because then Scout showed up and Matt thrived off stupid, reckless behavior and Scout fully embodied that enticing behavior. Did it make their relationship functional? NOPE. It was toxic, it was painful, and it was damaging. They loved each other, but, in their instance, love wasn’t enough. But Matt couldn’t get enough of the pain. And Scout. And her face. And the arms she missed. Matt was great at finding love that gave her pain, but when the good kind of love found her? Matt couldn’t see it—or Matt chose to close her eyes to it.

           So then Matt slept with Scout, lost Lara, and dated Scout. Something was different, though. Matt regretted her stupid, reckless actions. Usually, Matt just shrugged her behavior like it didn’t matter, but this time she couldn’t shake off the guilt. Why? Because she loved Lara. And now her and Scout couldn’t be reckless and toxic alone because there was a little light peeking in Matt’s way and they couldn’t stay blind to the truth that they weren’t good for each other. So then Matt lost Scout, and that hurt like hell. But what hurt most? Lara not standing the sight of her.

           But Matt wouldn’t show that. Nope. No way. So she dyed her hair, covered up her problems with a blindfold, and began to do what she did best—sex. Lots of rough, nasty sex. Lots of rough, nasty sex on her bed where she felt most alive in. Where she fell in love with Lara.

           No matter how much sex she had, Matt couldn’t erase Lara from existence. As much as she wanted to, Matt couldn’t forget the good thing she almost had.

           And now Lara came back from her retreat in the woods and Matt was confronted with reality and the cold, hard truth: Matt loves Lara. Present tense. And she couldn’t get rid of the feeling. And Lara was throwing Matt the truth Matt spent so much time not facing. That Matt did say “just words” to Lara. Because Matt didn’t know how to communicate, so, instead, she said all the things she thought Lara wanted to hear. That Matt was hers, that Matt would be ready for Lara, that Matt was gonna be with Lara and give her the relationship they both needed…. all while not believing these words herself. And Lara believed them.

           And even though Matt’s actions: the kissing, the reserved soft smiles she had for Lara, the longing looks, the intimate moments in Matt’s apartment that now haunted her…despite them having the ability to speak volumes, Matt left these actions running on mute. So even if these actions did show love, Matt couldn’t rely on them to talk to Lara about how she felt.

           So when Lara threw the truth? Matt threw words back. They weren’t just words. Matt loved Lara, no doubt, but now Matt’s truth terrified her. Matt was saying something true and honest and suddenly having to confront the reality that she’d have to explain these truths and look at Lara and say words that were true and something Matt felt, she ran. Because having to face her truths? Matt couldn’t do that. Matt didn’t know how to do that. 

           Why? Matt could trace it back to so many things. She could trace it back to when the one time she spoke her truth to her parents, she lost them. Matt’s truths always faced loss. Coming to terms with being a lesbian and wanting to proclaim her truth with pride wound up kicking her in the face when her family turned their backs. And then later Matt tried speaking truth in her past relationships and they always left and turned their backs. So, eventually, Matt found that by not saying anything and not allowing herself to feel her truth, she could survive. It wasn’t living, but at least Matt was getting by. 

           Matt’s conversations with Evie were a hard punch in the gut. Because Evie was right. About everything. As much as Matt denied it and justified her actions, Matt was an asshole. A dickhead. Manipulative. Cold. Deceiving. Hurtful. She was all these things to Lara and it was wrong and she hadn’t been owning up to her wrongs or make any means to right them. 

           Matt threw the word “love” in the way she shouldn’t have, like Evie said. She just said it because Lara’s truths were honest and real and Matt couldn’t handle it. So she threw a word. This time, a word that was true, but she used it to make it twisted. To make it hurt. And while Lara caught herself up in the world, Matt ran. Here. In Chicago. The place where Matt’s fucked up life began.

           Matt let out a shaky breath as she found herself walking by a large, cathedral church. Matt sometimes went to church, still. To see if she still believed and if she still loved God. She still did, but it was complicated. Right now, Matt was pretty pissed at God.

           Matt stared up at the church before finding her legs walking up the steps and stepping into the seemingly empty church, staring at the stained glass portraying Jesus and saints and angels. Matt stepped closer to the altar and above it hung a dusty Jesus Christ in his cross. Matt gulped and suddenly felt a fiery rage.

           “FUCK YOU!” Matt exclaimed, tears raging in her eyes as she pointed up at the figure. “Fuck your stupid tests and your stupid religion and my stupid faith that you’re gonna guide to the right direction. LOOK AT ME.” Tears streamed down Matt’s face. “God is love?” Matt laughed pathetically. “I don’t know how to love! I don’t even love myself! You expect me to believe in you? To love you unconditionally? To believe you’re a powerful entity that’s gonna save me?” Matt wiped away tears, finding the action useless when more tears streamed. “WHERE ARE YOU, THEN? Where the FUCK are you? I pray to you! I fucking ask you to give me strength and guidance to be brave and look at me! I’m a coward. I can’t confront the woman I love. I can’t confront my feelings. It’s like you only give me the ability to cause pain and destruction. I ruined my family, my life, and the ONLY person who saw something worth fighting for. Everyone gives up on me,” Matt sobbed. “because you gave up on me. Because you see how much of a piece of shit I am. Because I’m so caught up in action I don’t know how to fucking sit down and just talk. How to say more than just words. How to—to not be afraid of walking into the light and see what’s in store for me. I’m a spineless coward and YOU won’t help me. Fucking HELP ME. Please.” Matt begged, sounding pathetic and weak and vulnerable. Matt whimpered. “Help me…” Matt whispered. “I want to be a good person, God. I want to love and know how to say the right words and do right actions and to look at the woman I love and make her feel like she’s the greatest blessing in my life. But I can’t. Instead, I pretend she means nothing to me when she means the whole fucking world.”

           Matt shook her head. “I love her. She is the light of my life. You know…you know the Garden of Eden? Where things are good? And pure? And innocent? There’s no pain, no corruption, no fuckery…just good. I was there. In the garden of Eden and got kicked out. Give me a new Genesis. Please. Build me a new world with her in it and PROMISE, I’ll change. I’ll do my best to be a better person. Just…let me have her again.” Matt covered her mouth to cover another sob itching her throat. “I want her back, God. Please. Please…I’m just…so lost without her. I was almost so good with her. But then temptation swept in and I fell, don’t let me fall again. Let me be better this time around, I promise I’ll change. Just give her back. Let me keep her. Don’t let her be another almost.” Matt cried. “I want to be a good person and I think she’ll help me get there. I love her. I love her so much. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and you can’t let me suffer the consequences. Not again. Help me out. Give me a chance again, I swear I won’t take it for granted. I’ll love her.” Matt nodded. “I’ll tell her I love her and I’ll show her and I’ll make her feel it. I want to be a light for her. I want her to believe in me again. Please, God, please. This is all I want.”

           Matt continued to cry pathetically, sitting on a bench and hugging herself. Matt was so caught up in her own pain and sorrow, that she didn’t notice the person sitting next to her.

           “I know you hate tests, but trust me, He’s doing it for a reason.” A voice spoke up.

           Matt’s head jolted up and turned to see a priest, most likely from this church, staring at her with a soft, yet concerned look in his wrinkled eyes. Fuck. Matt was probably going to get her ass kicked out because she just proclaimed at a CATHOLIC church that she loved a woman. And, plus, he looked to be an old guy. Probably in his early 70s. This dude was about to damn her to hell as if she wasn’t there already.

           “I…what? I’m sorry, I’ll go— “

           “You don’t have to be scared. I heard every word you said. He heard it. I heard it. And you want guidance, no?” the priest asked.

           Matt sniffled and wiped her tears away, nodding.

           The priest leaned back, keeping his eyes on Matt. “As I said, He’s doing it for a reason. I can sense your faith in Him is lacking. Understandably so, we live in a society where even something as pure and as gleaming as love is persecuted. It can be lonely, I imagine.” he spoke. “But be rest assured…He loves you. But you lost faith in him and, in return, you lost faith in yourself. He loves those that believe in him. Even when He throws pain and agony our way, we still have to believe in Him. Because the moment we lose faith in Him? You start to lose yourself.”

           Matt scoffed. “You think you know me? I spent most of my life loving God and praising His name and then what? I start to love women. And then I lose my family and I become alone. So if God REALLY loved, would’ve given me a test that wouldn’t fuck me up.”

           The priest stayed silent for a few seconds, seemingly in thought, before speaking up again. “I’m sorry you lost along the way. God didn’t put hate in the hearts of your family. Only light. But sometimes we stray from it and selfishly hurt others. You allowed them to seep pain and anger and resentment into your heart which caused all your selfish and reckless actions towards people God sent you as a way of bringing light into your life. Admit you did wrong and believe He’s looking out for you. He always has. He’s just waiting for you to see He’s always been here. Waiting for you to come back to the light. If you’re comfortable, tell me everything. Maybe I can help. I won’t judge.”

           And, somehow, Matt found herself opening her mouth and saying absolutely everything to a priest she didn’t know, but a priest who listened to every word. Matt spoke about her pain, her faults, her weaknesses, her life, and the things she felt hurt for. And he listened.

           Matt chuckled. “Yeah, I’m kinda messed up.”

           The priest shook his head. “No, you’re just lost. And you’re just running around and looking for a soft place to land. Running from your problems, however, gets you nowhere. It seems like New York City is your house and there is also a home there, but you’re running from it. Don’t be afraid of it. God guided you there as a fresh start and you’ve done something with it. But you need to do more. You have a place to live, but it’s not home. Home is where you feel at peace and you feel loved and you don’t feel that right now. You don’t let yourself feel that. Understandably so— you’ve dealt with a lot of pain. But receiving pain and torment from others does not justify you to return the same sentiment to others. Like Lara? She was a light God sent you in the form of a person and you pushed her away because you were scared to leave your bad habits. God is…love. And a lot of people forget that. He loves and sometimes tests that love to see if you’ll continue to love despite the tests He throws your way. Sometimes we stray away from love because we confuse it for pain. Love is not pain. It is an act of serenity and it is simple if we choose for it to be. Love is patient and kind. Sometimes, us humans, we are afraid of what’s good. After all, we don’t live in the Garden of Eden. We can’t see purity and light and innocence as easily because we live on Earth without rose-tinted glasses. We get caught up in our own selfish desires and anger and pain that we forget to love. Forgetting to love is forgetting God. And you’ve forgotten. But I’m here to help you remember that you can love. It is a terrifying act to commit to, but when you remember to love? All the complicated things about life suddenly don’t seem as complicated. He is the answer, as they say. But it’s more than that. Love is the answer. But we forget to study His words of love and respect and get the answers wrong. It’s why there’s hate and misunderstanding and lots of pain in the hearts of people. We make things complicated in areas that don’t need to be. So, just know, love is an action, but it is also a spoken truth. Truths we need to reveal to everyone around us.”

           Well shit, Matt thought. he’s good at what he does. What a wise motherfuc—Matt he’s a fucking priest you can’t say that shit!

           “Uh…that was a lot.” Matt laughed awkwardly. “It’s similar to what someone else told me. Lara’s best friend. Only more direct and a lot more painful to hear. I…I know I’m afraid, but how do I just jump at a chance with someone without knowing if I’ll get hurt or not? I can’t endure more pain.”

           “But you can. Humans can endure so much. And the thing is, dear, is that we do not know if the risks we take will hurt us or not. But that is why they’re risks. We don’t know if pain is what we’ll receive, but we’re going to try anyway. You said you wanted a new Genesis? Well, if you’re seeking your Genesis, you’re going to have to take some risks to find your new beginning. You might find it if you try to allow yourself to be with Lara. However, it might not. But don’t find your Genesis in humans. We did get kicked out of paradise, after all.” he chuckled. “but humans can play a crucial role in helping you build a new Genesis for yourself. Let her—let Lara…help you. And you help her. I could see in your eyes when you spoke about her that you love her. But while you may love her, you need to learn to love her right. If she makes you feel these things, you need to make her feel loved in return. And right now? She doesn’t feel that. Go back home. Or she’ll close to doors to your personal Garden of Eden and you won’t be able to enter ever again. Don’t let your fears damn you to an entire life filled with unhappiness. It’s there for the taking.”

           Matt took in all the words the priest shared and felt calm for the first time in so long. And hopeful. And light.

           “Do you…think that…God would take me back? I’ve fucked up a lot so, I don’t know if He’ll take me back.”

           The priest smiled fondly. “If your heart wants to take Him back, believe me, He will embrace you with open arms.”

           “What about her? Do you think she’ll take me back?”

           The priest hummed. “That I can’t tell you. Like I said, you have to jump at the chance, as scared as you might be, and hope she’s there to catch you. And if she doesn’t, well, God’s there to fall back on if you believe hard enough. I get the feeling, though, that she’s just waiting for you to come back home to her. You deserve to be happy. Just know that. Despite the pain and suffering you’ve endured by others who claimed to love you, it doesn’t mean you’re undeserving of love. It just means people were undeserving of the love you had to give. But Lara deserves your love. Don’t say you don’t know how to. It’s there. Somewhere in you it’s there. You’re just afraid to let it come out. Let it jump out. Let it take over you completely. If you wind up getting hurt, just know pain heals. It will heal.”

           Matt nodded slowly, taking in all the information. “Huh.”

           “What do you think? I talk a lot. My sermons can be overwhelming.” The priest chuckled.

           “I think…that I’m done running.” Matt paused. “I’m not good with words, but is just saying everything, even if it comes out as word vomit…is that okay?”

           “As long as they’re not just words.”

           Matt nodded. “I think…I think I’m ready to go back home soon. And to love.”

           “Good.”

[defendglobe]

this line fucking hit deep. this was what upset me so much that i had to leave the house. because its too close to home.

not to be super morbid but like. that’s exactly what’s going to happen to me and i know it. i have almost no connections anymore.

every day i get more and more isolated. most of my old irl friend group doesnt talk to me anymore and for good reason!! they are doing so so much better now that im out of their lives and while im happy for them its a depressing pattern. i remember back in jr high how my friend group was the only thing that kept me going lol. it makes being alive a lot harder now that i don’t have anyone to live for you know?

tumblr friends are all fun and good but when it comes down to it i feel like they just like me because i say funny things sometimes. and that the only reason they give me the time of day is because of that and that they dont know me in real life so they can see what a fat stupid socially inept waste of a person i am.

and then i go and pull shit like fucking not speaking to irisa or helen for months because i cant bring myself to message them. they’ve got enough to deal with without my dead weight bringing them down even more. they deserve better than that lol. i feel like its only a matter of time before it happens to someone else because im just a drain on everyone i touch.  (if any of you read this im sorry and its really not you its me)

im such a toxic shitty selfish person. i make everything about me and am too stupid and/or self centered to think about anyone else. 

my roommates all think im damned to hell for being born a lesbian (and if they’re too dense to figure that out then they think im damned to hell for thinking that its ok to be gay or non christian or some fucking thing) and that’s fine!! whatever!! hell doesn’t exist anyway and i dont need their approval. 

it just gets so tiring having to fight every single day and being so in the minority in your opinion that you are never heard. especially when the fight you have to keep up is “there’s nothing wrong with my existence”. its just one more fucking thing. 

my fucking dad doesn’t even like me any more and even though ive tried so fucking hard to fix it things only get worse. i dont even really know why hes so angry at me all the time. is it because i couldn’t find a job this summer? because my mental health issues prevent me from being a normal active teenager and i have to do things a lot slower than most people?? because he thinks its appalling that im 20 and still live at home most of the time??

sometimes i worry that its because im gay. (lol there’s smething ive never said before!!) like hes ok with it as a concept but hes uncomfortable with having a gay daughter in reality. or because i dont want to have kids and hes from a very big family. i dont know!! he wont fucking communicate so who knows what it is.

and while i really do wish i could meet some girl and have a relationship how the hell is that going to happen when i barely even have friends and no skills to make them. the one time i did have a gf i totally killed it because im too goddamn distant and clueless with relationships which im sure made her feel like i didnt like her. (in reality i probably liked her more than she did me which honestly is all my friendships in a nutshell bc im so desperate for any interaction lol) and ever since things have been fucking weird and i know its my fault for opening my damn ass mouth in the first place.

who am i to inflict myself on anyone else anyway? im too goddamn mentally ill to have a relationship without making a hypothetical girlfriend miserable. i dont want to hurt anyone else with my self destructive shit. the self harming and the self isolating for days at a time or the terrible reckless shit i do that borders on halfassed suicide attempts. shit like stepping out into traffic without thinking or taking too many pills. ive stopped watching what i eat and what makes me feel sick. in fact i sometimes eat shit i know makes me sick on purpose. its weird i know. 

i feel i deserve it. i feel like hurting is what i deserve. for being so useless and unfit to be alive. i dont think im capable of happiness because of who i am. it feels like the only way i can ever be at peace is by not existing.

i just wish i didnt feel this way at all but some days it feels inescapable because of how isolated i am and how hopeless things have been for so long. i have nowhere else to go and nothing to live for and no one to stop me in any way that doesnt feel hollow and empty. 

im not planning on doing anything right now so please don’t worry about me. im alright for now. i just needed to vent.

[redribbons09]

Tumblr turned me into a hypocritical bitch and almost ruined my friendship with my straight cis female friend that I had a crush on. I've been listening to lesbians saying how "Straight girls should try dating other girls"'and thought of convincing my friend to date me and I end up harassing her into dating me. I end up driving her away. She's my only friend that supported me and loved me like a sister, but I almost ruined our relationship, bec of my selfishness. We did rebuild our relationship.

Tumblr is pretty toxic if you don’t look at things objectively.  It has a very strong “other” attitude towards people that don’t fit them.  It’s disgusting and honestly does far more harm to the LGBTAQ+ community than good.  In fact, I’d argue that gate-keeping, policing, othering and political in-fighting as being the second highest factor on why the LGBTAQ+ community is not reaching its full potential with being accepted by society (homophobia and anti-LGBTAQ+ sentiments being the highest factor).

“Straight girls should try dating other girls” - that logic is the same as “lesbians should try dating men”.  It’s purely hypocritical yet they believe because of their sexuality, they are untouched.  Bullshit.  If you have a shitty, entitled attitude, you deserve to be treated like shit.  If you treat others with respect and are genuine, you deserve to be respected.

Plus, that phrase is very ineffectual and rather useless - a straight girl is not attracted to girls in the first place, so what is the point of that? To prove that apparently all girls are attracted to girls or can be by choice (hypocrite much - I thought all sexualities were a born thing)? Yeah, no, sorry, but kissing and banging a girl makes me squirm and feel pretty disgusted - just like how my lesbian friend squirms and gets pretty disgusted with the idea of kissing or banging a guy.

It’s good to hear you and your friend are rebuilding your relationship.  But let this be a lesson to everyone - judge by behaviour and attitudes, and nobody is entitled to have anybody.  

Even then, those Tumblrina lesbians failed to think that perhaps straight girls don’t just throw themselves at every man that expresses interest in them or wants to date them? If I was harassed by a Tumblrina lesbian into dating her, I’d treat her as harshly and as bluntly as I would with a guy who continuously harassed me in dating him (which did happen back in my high school years with a rather obnoxious jerk).

A little exercise I do at times to check if something has unfortunate implications or bullshit is to change the gender, sexuality or (sometimes) race or belief of a party.  Though I usually do this for media like anime, games, and movies, I can apply it in real life, too.  Like in this case: Tumblrina lesbians believe they are untouched with that point, yet when you turn it around and change genders or sexes, it proves how stupid, hypocritical and entitled they are.  

What would really complete it is slapping a fedora on their heads.

[pyramidhead316]

On ‘Supergirl’ and toxic relationships.

So, I didn’t know about this sh*tstorm that was going on, until I came across it while reading one of my regular jaunts through Supercorp for the day, since I’ve been steadily working on my Star Wars/Supergirl/Persona crossover and my Silent Hill fic ‘Dark Descent’. (Yes, it’s as crazy as it sounds!  ;-D) And I’ve been shocked at the mess that this has turned into it. I’ve read accounts of it on Reddit, where people have blamed the fandom from Supergirl, and said that shippers are toxic to the series. Others have said that people are taking this way too seriously.

Yes, fans may be overreacting to this. I don’t condone threats or very harsh personal insults to the cast, since they have friends and family too. But here’s the thing. We’ve just endured an entire series of one of the worst relationships I have ever seen on screen, with a character that literally makes me, a bi-leaning man, want to see Bane break him. I really wanted Bane to just put in one appearance on ‘Supergirl’, break Mon-El in half, and then leave.  :-P  Chris Wood is a good man, but he’s been stuck with playing Mon-El, a character who is one of the worst and most boring love interests I’ve ever seen on screen, and who has sucked away nearly everything I loved about the series. He pales to some of the legendary love interests who have been presented for strong female characters in the past. Hell, he pales to James who came before him! And now we’re told that LGBT people, who don’t have enough representation on screen, have to feel diminished and that they’re not worth much to the show, that they have to accept anything thrown their way even if it’s insults, that they have to have their fantasies mocked, by straight people who can never understand even an inkling of what they’re going through (God, I really want to punch some straight people tonight, after reading through that thread on Reddit), and that it’s okay to have a formerly strong female be together with an absolute slime of a man, because God forbid you have another LGBT pairing on the show? Yeah, I don’t blame them for being pissed.

By now, I’m sure we all know what was done. Jeremy Jordan said something stupid at Comic Con, and used a song to turn it into a game. Thereby earning himself and Melissa the ire of about 500,000 fans. :-P Even Gail Simone herself has chipped in on this, bashing rightfully the cast for their idiocy. That we’ve pulled a legendary comic book writer from her important work to comment on this says a lot about this situation. The problem is not that Jordan said Supercorp was never going to happen. We knew it was never going to happen. The problem is that he then turned it into a game, using it to insult the very viewers that support him, and a partial portion of the cast was stupid enough not to shut him down. This would NEVER have been done for a straight pairing, and if you’re a straight person and you believe differently, then you’re a fool and deluded.

First off, let’s be honest: the way Kara and Lena are written on ‘Supergirl’ is queer baiting. I understand this happened a lot on another show, ‘Rizzoli and Isles’, to the detriment of that show’s cast when they personally took to mocking the show’s fans who were hoping for a pairing. A lot of people never forgave them for that. Another reason why I never watched that show, besides my disinterest for police procedurals. I don’t have time for that game. Kara and Lena could easily pass for best friends at first. But the dozens of flowers as gratitude for saving (or trying to save) her reputation? The increasing relying on Kara for support? The fact that Lena and Kara have more chemistry in their little fingers than Melissa and Chris have in their entire bodies, on screen? (Where is this supposedly hot action that Karamel fans see on screen? The words that come to mind are “cold fish”. Now John Crichton and Aeryn Sun – there’s a HOT pairing! And I’m not ashamed to say that as a man.) All this has to be intentional on the part of the writers. The chemistry can be accidental – that happens in sets, but the actors can only work with what they’re given. Mon-El never should have passed beyond his comic relief role as an almost little brother for Kara, and I think the writers realize this. They have no plans for what they want to do with him in the end, but he fits the traditional white bread image of a love interest. Lena and Kara have fantastic chemistry, terrific chemistry, but the writers already have an LGBT pairing on the show, and they can’t afford another one – the censors would eat them alive. So, they write this way, teasing glimpses of something that could be more, in order to keep the LGBT audience watching, knowing that there will never be more. That’s queer baiting. Writing teasing glimpses and touches, in order to give the appearance of a possible gay relationship, knowing that there will never be another gay relationship on the show all the while.

Secondly, some people say that why is it important. Do you wonder why so many fans pair together characters in lesbian or gay relationships? People flock to pairings because there is a dearth of representation on the television. Hetero relationships have NEVER been under-represented on TV, ever. It has been the norm for so long that people have accepted it as the norm, and don’t realize that it’s not everybody’s norm. It’s become so accepted for people to assume that a character is straight that a woman could come in on a show and start flirting with every woman imaginable, and people would still assume she was straight and just playing around, unless she outright said she was gay. The same goes for men. Jonathan Frakes attempted to destroy this with an episode of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” in the 90’s, by wanting a man to play his love interest, showing that love knew no gender, but big surprise, the writers never let him get it passed, out of fear of the censors. If you would just give us more LGBT pairings to root for, we wouldn’t give a crap who Supergirl was with! As it stands, you don’t and you pair her with a man that she would otherwise be advised to dump as soon as possible by most people. It’s the final insult, in a long line of insults. What do you expect to happen!?  O_O  You can’t keep pushing the LGBT fandom, teasing them and needling them whenever necessary, and not expect some fallback. Yes, sometimes it falls on the actors unfortunately, but you have to understand that a lot of people out there are getting sick of this ‘straight only, white only’ crap out there. I notice that you guys didn’t go deep into Maggie’s background in Blue Springs, because you probably didn’t want to traumatize white viewers watching it. What’s the matter, you don’t want to show how nasty white people can be in a small rural town?  o_O  (And I say this as someone who’s most favorite protagonists are mostly white (Solid Snake, Alessa Gillespie, Raiden, Anakin Skywalker, Kara, etc. The whities are strong in my fics. ;-P Yet it’s their stories I like, not their skin color.)

Wonder Woman is absolutely, blatantly acknowledged as bisexual in the comics. Why is she not portrayed as blatantly bisexual in the movie?  O_O  Are you that terrified of the few hundred Christians who will protest the decision, that you don’t want to risk ever giving a hint of it in the film? Oh no, other Amazons can be involved with women, and Diana herself admits that men are useless for pleasure, but God forbid you come out and say that she loves women. And this isn’t an attack on the WW filmmakers, they did the best they could. This is an attack on the mindset in Hollywood that says you can’t make a protagonist gay or bisexual in a strong Summer tentpole movie. Why don’t we have a major gay or bi superhero out there, in full display? Why are we letting the bigots continue to run our entertainment for us? And I hate to see this kind of crap filtering down to the television world, with its series.  :-(  Some people would say, that we should be grateful we got one LGBT couple, in Alex and Maggie. That’s exactly the point: we shouldn’t have to be grateful for only getting one couple, the scraps of whatever they deem fit to toss us? You may know more gay people in your real life than you see on TV! It’s ridiculous. When are we going to be able to see a woman loving a woman, or a man loving a man, and not have it called a perversion or “sickening” children’s minds? It’s the freakin’ 21st century. Get with the program!

Third, if it had been a man who was Lex Luthor’s brother or son, you can believe the Network would have wanted that they hook up and sleep together in three episodes into the season. You can better believe that would have happened. In fact, it would have been a demand: they would HAVE to sleep together, or the writers would be hearing from the network executives soon. Yet God forbid that a woman has something besides friendship with another woman!  :-P  Yes, it’s perfectly fine to have women be platonic friends: it’s completely ACCEPTABLE! But that’s not the whole story. Far too often, women’s love has been restrained only towards the friendly, while it was expected that any man they meet up with would immediately turn into the romantic. James, Winn, and Mon-El; three red-blooded men who fall in love with Kara, and want to be with her. Why is it that every time Kara meets a man, it has to be romantic? Yet with Lena, a woman, it’s like, oh no, she has to be a friend only! There’s a blatant double standard there, and you must be a blind man without Daredevil’s enhanced senses if you can’t see it!  :-P

What hurts about Jeremy Jordan’s words is that his character was (unfairly) characterized as a Nice Guy (™), and not the one you hope for but the other one (i.e. manipulative asshole), whereas he wasn’t that at all. I think he was a friend who genuinely fell in love with Kara, and then shifted out of it later on. He wasn’t trying to manipulate her feelings, by playing the sensitive companion. But the point is that he, out of all the cast members, should have learned that you have to be careful with what you say, and make sure writers give the right impression. It’s like the actor learned nothing from his own arc!  O_O  I can almost expect this from James’ actor, because then it would have been characterized as jealousy that his character never got a full romantic arc with Kara, and people are clamoring for one with Lena. But for this to come from Winn’s actor, who should have learned that you have to be careful with what you say, because of his own story, is just incredible to believe. I’m glad the actor who plays J’onn J’onzz is staying out of it. He seems to be the wisest of all the main performers there.

I just find this all sickening. The fact that LGBT fans still have to fight for even the slightest shred of respect, and that the smug straight people call them “immature” or “perverts”, or “toxic” or “obsessed for it”. F*cking bastards. It just makes me sick, and makes me wish to never interact with the ‘normal’ fans ever again. If this is what the ‘normal’ fans look like…I’d rather be with the shippers, thank you very much.  :-P

Why are gay people and bi people pissed all the time with TV shows? Because gay people ALL DIE in serious programs!!  O_O  The Clexa thing is an example. You have a 10 times greater chance of dying in a serious TV show, if you’re a gay person! No happy endings are allowed, no sirree. You have to satisfy the Network’s demands that gay people are a perversion, and deserve to die, even if it’s heroically. Whereas with a straight couple, God forbid they have some fatal trouble in their relationship.  :-P  Some people dismiss that as an insignificant detail, that some people are obsessed with Lexa. I used to think that way, too. Until they realized the truth. Many, if not most straight protagonists make it through their relationship intact. Gay people don’t.

I’ll be honest, I am not going to be watching the season 3 episode when it first premiers. Not just because of this, but because of all the crap with Mon-El, the lazily scripted arcs, the people acting completely out-of-character for the sake of the plot, the hints of Lena turning evil, and many other things. Mon-El sucked all the joy I found out of watching ‘Supergirl’, and the crap going on around him didn’t help. I didn’t care for watching ‘The Mon-El Show’ week after week, and it just became a chore to watch, week in and week out. Sometimes I even switched over to ‘Dancing With The Stars’, even though the lineup was the worst it had been in several years, because I got bored with ‘Supergirl’. At that point, I’d rather have watched a show about J’onn J’onzz and his little adventures, than turn to follow Kara and Mon-El. :-P  I’ll wait about six episodes in, until I make sure that it’s good, before tuning in. It wouldn’t be the first time I abandoned a series. I stopped watching ‘The X-Files’ way before the final episode ever aired, and I gave up on ‘Farscape’ for a brief little while when it was obvious the writers had no idea what they were doing, until they got themselves back on track. (Which they did. Thank God.) I have no trouble easily abandoning a series for a few short episodes, until it sorts itself out. Kara’s strong characterization is gone. The strong sisterly bond she shared with Alex is gone. J’onn’s commanding presence is gone, thanks to being hijacked by Mon-El. Lena is set to be evil, from what it looks like, which would completely take away the grayness of her character and stupidly prove that “You are more than your family” just isn’t true.  :-P  Cat Grant is sorely missed, because James is no replacement, Snapper is sure as hell no replacement, and as cruel as she was, she brought something to the show which is lacking now. Getting rid of the “strong feminist tones” to satisfy the red-blooded American male, apparently means making it like everything else. There is nothing worth watching on ‘Supergirl’ at this time. That’s the simple truth. Besides the occasional guest starring character; those are always good (i.e. Superman, Mxy, etc.). Unless they’re Daxamite. Then they just suck.  :-P  I hate to put it this way, but maybe it’ll spur some clarity in some folks. ‘Supergirl’ has become a toxic relationship in itself, expecting you to take whatever crap it dishes out, because hey it’s tradition! – that’s what all the other shows do, and I’m cutting it right now. No one is forced to watch, not even if Melissa’s or Chyler’s acting is excellent, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do, I won’t watch. It’s that simple.  :-P  Unless the show does some serious redeeming, gets back to strong characterization, and forces Mon-El to show remorse for all of the godawful things he did and his godawful fratboy douchebag personality, I’m not going to come back for what is sure to be a sh*tshow of white privilege and faux-romantic arcs painfully grinding strong women down. I miss the way the show was when CBS used to run it.  :-(

The irony? I wished for it to be a part of The CW Arrowverse. I see now that my wish was horribly misguided.  :-(

*And I can assure you that Mon-El is going to get the most unholy of beatings in my fic. Nothing personal, but his clownish personality and incompetent fighting skills make me sick, and other heroes that aren’t Kara aren’t going to stand for this crap. Can you imagine Batman training this guy? Holy sh*t, Bruce Wayne would go ballistic!  :-P  As for Winn, I was going to give him a cute little obsession with Star Wars, once he realized the Jedi were real. Oh no, Serra is going to take him to task now, for some of his more annoying foibles. :-P  No mercy for the I.T. Hobbit. (And to think, I used to hate that nickname. No longer. You suck, Jeremy Jordan. Thank you for ruining my pure, innocent image of Winn.  :-P)

No anonymous messages bashing my views, please. I automatically delete any anonymous messages I receive on my inbox, on every site I’m on whether they’re positive or negative.  :-P