#you promised that you'd be more understanding about my mental illnesses when we started talking again

[elliesbelle]

lol

[teasdays]

just a ... note for people who desperately need "to improve your situation" (as OP first put it): the first step probably ISN'T networking, or making new friends. In some cases, this kind of self-help-ish advice may rankle or hurt. I know I hated it in undergrad !!!

With some more experience & wisdom on me, here's why (I think): when we talk about 'networking,' we're often using language (/discourse) of self-help and business-oriented advice. We're thinking of economic success, 'climbing the ladder' or 'getting your foot in the door.' But moreover, we're thinking of INDIVIDUAL expectations/advice. Individual success or failure.

So yes: networks--of friends, of family (blood or not), of neighbours and trusted colleagues; people you can rely on--these are essential. They will save your life.

But--particularly for people facing both external structural barriers and ALSO internal (psychosocial) barriers (mental illness/persistent distress/etc)--I think the first step is often being able to identify what network you ALREADY have. When I came through a... really, very bad year of my life lol, on the other side I found that I had a whole network of people who I hadn't realised I was befriending. Like I really mean that, as I started to get better (a fucking long process btw), one of the first & most amazing things I encountered was this new reality where... people who I'd hung out with at parties and such (events where I felt like I was just drifting & unimportant) suddenly felt like close friends who I could genuinely count on. (To be clear: they had been good friends to me long before this point! I just wasn't in a place to understand that). & in retrospect now, I can see that there were still people who I grew close to & then drew back from over the years as I continued to get better, because I was shy and self-conscious and afraid to call them my friends, because I didn't want it to be one-sided.

I don't think I can offer good advice to anyone in a similar place, beyond "try NOT to do that" (<- unhelpful advice!!!) except to just, maybe... do try to reflect carefully on the people in your life. Journal about it. Think on them, whether they're good to you and whether you'd like to be good to them in return (you might already offer more to that friendship than you realise btw!). And when you think of them, consider reaching out--sending a text, or a photo, suggesting coffee or a movie or something. Maybe they won't respond kindly, maybe they won't respond at all (it happens!), but uh... what I CAN tell you is this: isolation can hurt you more than being ghosted, or having friendships which fall apart.

What OP calls 'networking' I prefer to term "community building." You do NEED networks--community. More importantly, you deserve community as a basic & essential human right. I promise you, there are always people in your life who you could reach out to, who can lend a hand. Not everyone will treat you well, as you deserve--but the ones who do? Genuinely, no exaggeration: those people CAN save your life. That's something you can pay forward and still pay BACK in friendship, because your presence & support is ALSO more valuable than you may think <3

young me especially would have hated hearing this but networking is literally the most important thing you can do to improve your situation like forget economic barriers to education etc just keep making friends with different people and eventually someone will offer you a hand up just because they dig your vibe and that is exactly all that's happening when undeserving people surpass you anyway

[billiedeanhwrd]

when i fell you were there, with your hands in the air

cordelia goode x fem!reader

summary: your depression is hitting you harder than most days, cordelia comforts you 🤍

warnings: depression, slight mention of childhood trauma, it's angsty mental health fluff basically

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first ever fanfic and i'm very very nervous about it, so pls don't be too harsh, constructive criticism is very much welcome though!! also i'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. i also have to add that this was very much self indulgent and based on my own experience with depression, so if you don't relate, that's fine, everyone experiences it differently. I hope you enjoy it tho, have fun reading <3

today was one of those days again. one of those days where everything seemed grey and pointless. one of those days where taking a shower was too exhausting. one of those days where it didn't matter if you left your clothes on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. one of those days where you isolated yourself. one of those days that seemed to return to you every morning for almost 3 weeks now.

you had been struggling with depression for years now and attending therapy regularly still didn't take away from the embarrassment you felt about your illness. cordelia didn't know, you didn't want to burden her with your subjectively "silly" problems. It wasn't easy hiding something so life consuming from your lover, but whenever you were with her you felt as though you could reach for the stars and there was no point in ruining happy moments with sad stories.

Whenever you felt really depressed and unable to function, you isolated yourself. Cordelia and you had been together for 7 months now and the first time she thought she had done something wrong which had resulted in you needing space from her, but when she confronted you, you reassured her that sometimes you needed some time to yourself because you were a more introverted person. While that might be true, you wanted nothing more than for her to take you into her arms and tell you everything was going to be okay again, but the fear of possibly burdening the already very busy supreme held you back from confessing what was weighing you down.

you were used to this already, you always kept your darkness to yourself, too afraid of being too much or being abandoned by your loved ones, while the rational side of you knew that the people in your life who truly meant something to you would never abandon you because of your chronic depression, anxiety left no room for rationality.

you were always feeling kind of down, but some days it was easier to cope and enjoy your day despite that... and then there were those phases where you felt unusually down, those phases that caused you to isolate yourself and wait for the storm to pass in solitude. They usually lasted only a few days or maximum a week, but this one had been going on for much longer. cordelia was worried, you had never needed so much "alone time to recharge your social battery", but she didn't want to overstep your boundaries and possibly push you away, because what you weren't aware of was that cordelia too struggled with abandonment issues and fearing she would be "too much" (which she could never be for you, you adored every single second you could spend in the blonde witch's presence).

After leaving multiple text messages and trying to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, cordelia took it upon herself to see what was going on with you. The knocking on your door would've usually startled you, but you had just ordered a pizza, too tired to prepare a meal yourself and assumed the delivery was faster than they had stated on their website. your jaw fell open and the door was quickly closed again, shit shit shit, what am i supposed to do now? the place looks like a mess, i can't let cordelia se-

"y/n can you open the door please?" she asked in her gentle voice. "Uh, yeah, give me a second" you replied, hastily throwing on a hoodie that had been lying around on your couch, coincidentally that hoodie being one you stole from cordelia a few weeks ago, something that made your girlfriend's heart warm up a little and relieve her of some of the worried thoughts she had that this might be your way of signaling to her that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with her.

"can we talk? i haven't seen you in three weeks and you haven't answered any of my texts... what's going on? you know you can talk to me about anything..."

"uhm, yes, of course. sit down, make yourself at home, would you like anything to drink?"

"no, thank you, i just want to talk to you"

you didn't have the energy to lie to the woman who held your heart in her hands anymore, you were terrified of her reaction, not only to you being mentally ill but also to you hiding it for so long.

"i'm so sorry delia, please don't be mad", you anxiously stuttered out. cordelia grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly, signaling for you to continue talking.

"I didn't tell you before because i know you've already got so much going on with the academy and i didn't want to pile onto that with my irrelevant issues... I was diagnosed with depression amongst other things a few years ago, it's something i have to deal with every day and some days are easier than others, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me and i feel like i'm lost in an ocean of a sadness so powerful, i can feel the pain on my body. I know it can be challenging to be close to someone with severe mental issues and I understand if you don't want to continue being with me, i would never want you to stay with me because you pity me or because you're afraid i'd do something to myself if you'd left, you're not responsible for my feelings or actions and i would never want to impose you with such a burden and-"

you stopped rambling when you noticed the tears flowing down cordelia's cheeks.

your eyes widened and your heart started pounding rapidly in your chest. "i'm sorry, was that too much?"

"no, no, no, no, no... it just pains me to know that you've been dealing with this on your own for such a long time because you don't value yourself enough to believe that other people might want to support you through your everyday battles. y/n, i know you, you're the girl who's always there when someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, anytime, anyplace, you always go out of your way to make others feel seen and accepted, why would you ever think that you don't deserve the kindness you so openly give to others?"

now it was you who was crying, cordelia was right, you didn't value yourself enough to believe that. you didn't actively think of yourself as less than others but that thought always unconsciously motivated the way you dealt with the things that were bothering you.

cordelia patted her lap, signaling for you to sit on her lap and come into her arms. you hesitated though, you weren't used to being so vulnerable and open with your emotions and it scared the shit out of you. you feared cordelia was possibly annoyed at you and was only doing this to get it over with and then get out. she watched you, while you were anxiously deciding what your next move would be, her heart broke for you, you looked like a scared baby dear when all she wanted to do was to comfort you.

"baby, look at me"

her chocolate colored eyes were so full of love, simply looking into them managed to get your heart rate down.

"it's okay, i'm not mad at you for talking about your feelings and all i want to do right now is to hug some of your pain away, so please, let me hold you"

you melted at her gentle words and understanding nature, cordelia was an incredibly smart woman, who went through traumatic things herself and even from that little information you shared, she understood you. she saw her younger self in you, so incredibly lonely but oh, so scared of being vulnerable with another person, due to the emotional abuse her mother subjected her to, and while she might not have gone through the same things you did, she felt like she understood your feelings in this exact moment and she wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe with her.

you slowly crawled into her lap, still afraid this was all a trick to hurt you, but when she started combing through your hair and reassuringly whispering "i've got you" and "you're here with me, i promise you, you're safe", you relaxed into her arms.

after about half an hour of laying there with each other, calming down and enjoying the other one's warmth, you spoke up.

"delia?"

"yes, my love?"

"so you're not leaving me?", you hesitantly asked.

cordelia sat up and looked straight in your eyes while asking "would you leave someone you love because they're depressed?"

"no, never"

"then tell me, sweetheart, why would i leave you?"

her response left you speechless, you almost missed her confessing her love. "you love me?"

she hugged you tight and pressed a kiss on your forehead. "more than anything, and please, never worry about telling me about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, no matter what it is, i wanna know, okay?"

you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and confidently replied "okay"

a few minutes passed before you spoke up again when you remembered you didn't say those 3 special words back.

"i love you too, by the way"

cordelia smiled lovingly and stood up to reach out for your hand and pull you up. "i know, now let's go to bed, we can clean up this place tomorrow"

you accepted her helping hand and engulfed her in a hug. the way she so naturally used the word "we" and didn't seem to mind helping you clean up your mess of an apartment made you more emotional than you'd like to admit.

And while you knew this would not be the last time you were overwhelmed by your depression, you now knew that you could count on the woman who loved you to stand by your side and help you get through even your hardest day.

[darkmulti]

(TW: Harassment, bullying, mental illness, self harm)

Okay so I was hesitant to talk about this but I feel like I'm safe here I guess. You don't have to say anything, and you can ignore this if you'd like but I haven't been able to tell anybody because they won't believe me.

When I was 7 there were two boys in my class who bullied me to no end. I've never been a uhhh... small person. I've always had a lot of trouble with the way I look, and it's very hard to like, love myself I suppose. But these boys made it 100x worse. Every single day, they would find me in the hallway, or just coming out of the bathroom or something. And they'd follow me around and poke my stomach and pinch at my sides. And I wanted to hit them back and scream at them but I didn't want to get in trouble so I always just tried to ignore it. But then one day in gym, our coach was always playing on his phone and never played attention and he was creepy and in his 50s or so and he scared me so there was no way I'd talk to him. But in class, the two boys kind of cornered me and no one could see us. And they started touching me and calling me names and I froze because I didn't know what to do. And class ended, thankfully, and they both left to go get in line to leave, and I went too but we were at the end and as we were walking through the doors, one of then smacked my butt really hard. I hid in the bathroom for the rest of the day bawling my eyes out. And there was a bruise where he had smacked me(which might just be because I bruise easily but it was still there and I was disgusted with myself).

Years passed I guess, and they didn't bother me again. I never had any friends and I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and paranoia when I was 9-10. I started hurting myself and there were a few instances where I tried to end my life.

On top of this, in my freshman year of highschool, there was this girl who I thought of as my best friend. I came out to her ad bisexual and she seemed really supportive and stuff. I went over to her house one day, and we were doing everything we would normally do. She promised that we would watch the Harry Potter movies because I still hadn't seen them. But halfway through the third movie, she just took her shirt off randomly. She wasn't wearing a bra or anything and she tried to play it off like she did it all the time. So I kept watching the movie, extremely uncomfortable. And then she straddled my lap really quickly and I put my hands up to try to push her off of me. But she grabbed one of my hands and made me touch her chest. I froze up again and was just sitting there holding my breath. Because I was petrified. She was supposed to be my friend and I had no idea what I was supposed to do. She started moving around and she said something like "don't you like girls?" and she was gonna lift my shirt up, but she heard her dad's car pull up in the driveway and got off of me really quickly. We both acted like nothing happened and I wanted to go home but I couldn't. So I had to stay there with her.

I'm always the person that pushes away help and comfort and sympathy. I never talk about my problems because I focus all my time on helping other people. And I'm terrified that people will push me away and blame me like I do myself.

I just feel really safe here and your blog has helped me so much. I feel like I'm heard, you know? Like I don't even have to say anything for people to understand and it's been so helpful. Up until yesterday, I had been a month clean from self harm which was a biiiig step. I relapsed last night, but I've made it a full 24 hours so far. I just wanted to say thank you. You didn't have to share your story or your writing, or provide this safe space. But you did, and I'm so so grateful. -🎵(if it isn't taken)

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You’ve been through a lot at such a young age. I hope those boys are more respectful and realized what they done. Same with the girl. Though it may sound cruel, I hope the same thing happens to them. Then they’ll see that it hurts. So many people lack empathy, it really amazes me.

You are so strong, baby! I’m glad you’re well now and hope the best for you in the future! With time, you’ll find people who will understand and will respect you!

I am very grateful for all you guys. It really warms my heart to know that people are comfortable enough to share their experiences with me on this blog. I’m so happy to know that I’m not alone in this💕 and neither are you guys💘

🎵 emoji is all yours❣️

[letsdiscoverkitty]

hi kitty - i'm being referred to the ED services in my area and even though the waiting list can be a year, i'm so so nervous, do you have anything you wish you'd known before you started seeing someone for your ED? x

Hey lovely, first of all I want you to know how proud I am of you for reaching out for support, I know how hard that can be and I know that ED is going to be raging about it but I promise that this IS for the best. I really really hope that you get some news soon, to have to wait a year is utterly ridiculous and downright wrong - I hate how much of a postcode lottery MH services can be in the country :( 

As for what do I wish I had known before starting to see someone? Good question...

Number one: has to be that these people, that work for the services/your GP, are not the enemy. They are not trying to work against you or make things worse, they are trying to help you and are fighting alongside you. A lot of what they may say might not make sense at first and it might feel backwards, but they know what they are talking about; trust them. ED will try to trick you into thinking that they are lying/that they don’t know what they are talking about but they do. They are fighting your side and want to help you; listen to them, trust them.Number Two: It is okay to talk. The first step towards recovery is being able to admit that something is wrong in the first place. This can be hard and it can open a lot of wounds/bring up a lot of emotions/feelings that you have suppressed for so long, but that is okay. You are allowed to have these feelings and emotions - they are very real and valid and deserve to be heard. Talking and opening up does not make you weak or a failure; it is the complete opposite. Speaking out and asking for help is the bravest and strongest thing that you can do. I know you might have had your guard up for a long time, letting down the drawbridge is not going to be easy, but it will be worth it and it can be done. You do not have to go through this alone.Number three: The people around you (your family and friends) are a huge and vital part of your support network. They are the people that are there every single day, they are the ones that are going to be there (whether physically or on the end of the telephone) through all of the emotions, the ups and the downs. They are there to support you and they want to help you through this but they are not mind readers. As much as they want to be able to understand what you are going through, unless they have been through it themselves, they can’t. However they will try their best to understand and be there for you - it is okay to let them in, to tell them how they can help you (whether that be in the form of a distraction after meals, helping you get to appointments, joining you on appointments, going food shopping, practicing eating out etc.) Number Four: There is no ‘perfect’ or ‘right’/’wrong’ way to recover. Mental illnesses are notoriously difficult to treat because every single person is different. There is no ‘one thing’ fits all. We are all individuals. We are not meant to fit inside of neat little tick boxes that fit into x or y criteria, those things are there to help professionals to know what might be helpful/not, but it is important to remember that what has helped one person might not help the next. Just because you have been diagnosed with x it does not mean that you have to fit into every single box. It does not mean that you have to be or act in a certain way. YOU ARE NOT A DIAGNOSIS. Do not let it define you. There is no ‘perfect meal plan’, no ‘one way to recover’ - these are all lies that ED will make up. Just because your road may look a little different to someone else’s it does not mean that you have done anything ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. We are all on our own journeys; and yes our paths may cross at times but you need to stay focused on your road and do what is best for you. Number five: You are not a unicorn. ED will try to make you believe that you are a ‘unicorn’ - by this I mean that it will try to make you believe that the ‘rules’ of recovery do not apply to you. That you are different. It is all lies. ED is trying to make every excuse it can to stop you from going against it. The truth is that ED would never be satisfied. It will never be ‘enough’. It will always try to take no matter how much you ‘give’.Number six: There is no such thing as “sick enough”. There is no weight or BMI or number that will ever satisfy ED. It will never be enough. It will always point out that there is someone, somewhere in the world, that is ‘sicker’ or ‘more worthy of treatment’ than you. And it is all LIES. This is the thing about ED, it always lies. This is a MENTAL ILLNESS, which yes has some physical health complications at times, but that is not the illness - that is a symptom that SOME people suffer from. A weight does not determine whether you are ‘worthy’ of treatment or not. Number seven: There are going to be people who don’t understand. There are going to be people who say the ‘wrong’ thing. There are going to be difficult conversations, there are going to be miscommunications. And it’s hard, but this is part of life. Life does not come with a ‘trigger warning’ attached. Number Eight: Recovery takes time. A heck of a long time. Longer than you first thing. But just because you might not be where you thought you would be in x months time, that does not mean that you have ‘failed’ or let anyone down. This is your life, your journey, there is no scale or number or time length that defines you and your recovery.Number Nine: Do not compare yourself to others. Like I said before, all mental illnesses manifest in different ways. Comparing yourself to others will only feed into the disordered thoughts, it is another trick that ED loves to use to try to trap us and stop us from moving forwards with our lives. If there are certain people in your life who are causing a negative effect to your recovery, it is okay to take a step back and put yourself first. A lot of recovery is about putting yourself first, and that can be hard, but recovery is about learning to LIVE again, it is about finding out who you are, healing your mind, your body, and your relationship not just with the world around you but yourself as well.Number Ten: You are worth it. Keep saying it over and over again. Write post it notes to stick up around your mirror, around your bedroom, in the kitchen - wherever it is that they may help you, stick them. Keep a journal, write, and keep writing. Hold onto ‘the little things’, these are the things that often matter most. A unexpected smile here, an off-guard laugh there - the little things really do add up. Catch them, acknowledge them, and celebrate them (because ED will hate this) - and that’s another thing, ED is not going to like this one single bit. It is going to try to throw everything it can to put a barrier in your way, to stop you from going against it; and this is where you are going to need your support network, in other words, your army. They are there to fight for you and catch you if ever you should fall, because nothing is perfect. Recovery is a whole new learning curve. There will be slips and falls, and times when you feel like ‘nothing’ is changing but I promise you, with all my heart, that things can and will get better. It might take longer than you hoped, and there may be some stumbles along the way, but you will get there. Keep your motivations close, use all the support you can, this is not going to be an easy ride, this is likely to be the hardest thing that you ever have to do in your live, but it will also be the most worth it.

I hope this helps a little, take care xxx