#you mean now I have to write a bunch of boring exposition before they take out Palpatine?

[altocat]

I wouldn’t put this in the tag, but why do certain people in this fandom get so mad when Seph gets any form of humanization so much?? Keeping a bunch of his background a mystery is a reasonable request absolutely, but why is it so bad to see him emote and have connections and deal with shit before his downfall?

Why is it so bad to add to the subtle and delicate writing that surrounds his “fallen angel” arc? I mean, do people want a smirky, one-dimensional villain forever? (Not that he ever was one-dimensional anyway but apparently some think he was).

No villain should just be evil for no reason, and if we want their reasons to be a little mysterious, that is entirely able to be done without stripping them of their emotions or tragedy. Everyone’s favorite villains have carefully crafted downfalls and often there is tragedy and misunderstanding involved.

Seph is an absolutely iconic villain and deserves more of this treatment. He is frankly, overdue for some humanization that isn’t bound to the limits of an older game like Crisis Core that often suffered from a lack of deeper exposition or elaboration. He’s earned it after being a terrifying, mysterious villain for so long.

Just a touch of it doesn’t ruin anything. The writers seem to be treating it with care and delicacy so far, which is good. That’s what we need.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Twitter is getting on my nerves because people are saying things like “He better just stay crazy and enjoy burning shit for no reason.” and accusing people that disagree of “not actually being a true fan of the character.” (As if Crisis Core didn’t already make him more sympathetic!!)

(I’m also not using his full name so that this doesn’t show up in anyone’s search results if you don’t want to draw any contention. Cheers).

Pure evil villains are boring, unless it's full camp or they're having fun and it's delicious to watch.

I think people aren't paying attention to context. This isn't CURRENT Sephiroth, this is Sephiroth as a child. If he was always evil and always sadistic, it would take away a lot of the message the original game was trying to convey with him--Sephiroth is the product of SHINRA, the product of immoral ethics, war, and greed. Sephiroth was a normal baby given abnormal enhancement, shoved into extremely traumatic rules and expectations, and subsequently loses everything that ever made him human in a mad quest for revenge and control. To say Sephiroth was evil from the moment he was born is a HUGE disservice to his character, and his story as a whole. Sephiroth is a monster. But he is the monster Shinra created.

Now do I think Sephiroth should be redeemed? No, probably not. It's not about his journey back into the light, it's about his descent into darkness. That's what makes his character interesting. For the record, I don't want them to woobie him either. Part of the reason I find those Disney Remakes insufferable is how they take fun villains (Cruella, Maleficent) and try to make them all weepy and sympathetic. THOSE are villains where being pure evil works. It's entertaining. Their evilness is infectious. They're chewing the scenery and it's great. They're nasty little shits and they ENJOY it and they're cartoony enough to where you don't have to take it seriously. Sephiroth is a completely different beast, with an actual message to his story.

I've always found serious pure-evil villains completely uninteresting because there's no layers to them. No pathos. No depth. Part of having a good villain is looking into their eyes and seeing something of yourself in there. YOU could be that. YOU could become that. These are moral lessons for adults as they try to navigate a confusing and unfriendly world. You shouldn't turn into this because, in the end, succumbing to anger and hate ISN'T good. It ISN'T healthy. And these villains, at the end of the day, are extremely unhappy people who bring about their own destruction. You lose that when they're just a smirking sadistic killing machine. It's an empty husk that just exists for the heroes to defeat. I'd like to think that Sephiroth is more than that, and has always been more than that.

Anyway, rant over. Twitter is dumb, hence why I'm not on it. I'll agree with them if the Remake Trilogy attempts at a redemption arc and it's clumsy and unjustified. But this? A tragic Seph backstory was always a given when you look at the lore. So long as they go about it in a balanced morally gray way, it fits very well with his character.

[nny11writes]

Let’s Try This Again- Chapter 6

<-Previous Anakin woke suddenly with a gasp, his legs spasming as he tried to right himself to reality. His face was throbbing with pain and his vision was filled with Obi-Wan’s concerned face. The Force was...well it was a mess. Shock, outrage, some fear, determination, delight, humor, tiredness, wariness, openness. All at once from everywhere! Oh, wait, no that was all of the Council Members. Wow weren’t they supposed to be good at shielding?

“Anakin, you need to let go now.” Obi-Wan roughly whispered to him, begging as their training bond thrummed slowly, purring gently against Anakin’s mind. “You need to return to yourself.”

How ridiculous! He was perfectly well himself. He was...gosh everything just hurt so much. The Force throbbed with his pain. Well, perhaps he wasn’t completely there yet. Anakin forced his way back, pushing and pulling and shredding away until he’d released his grasp on the Force. The room popped back into place, quite enough and solid enough for him to finally fully come too.

“Master, what happened?” His voice was raspy and even though he’d been awake for less than a few hours, Anakin was sure he could sleep for the next century at least.

Obi-Wan frowned before glancing up and Anakin tilted his head to follow his Master’s gaze.

Master Yoda sat on the floor, with Ahsoka curled up in an angry little ball half in his lap. Master Windu was kneeling next to them as still as a statue. Master Koon sat with his legs stretch out in front of him with one large hand rubbing Ahsoka’s back. Anakin tilted his head around. Masters Yaddle and Bilaba appeared to be in a quiet debate with Masters Mundi, Koth, and Piell.

“Curious. Very curious what I have seen.” Master Yoda spoke softly but the sound carried well enough. “Please, dismissed for now you all are. Masters Windu, Koon, Knight Kenobi, and Padawan Skywalker; a moment more of your time I require.”

Anakin was unaccountably grateful that everyone left slowly and quietly. It gave his head a chance to stop hurting so karking much. It gave him a chance to try and pull pieces fully together even if the ragged edges grated.

“Masters,” Anakin whispered, sitting up and toying with a glass of water he didn’t remember being given. That was probably a bad sign. “I believe I’ve had another vision. I had one in the alley where we found her, and I think I had another on the ship. Just now I, uhm, I think I saw more.”

“We all saw more Skywalker.” Mace spoke gravely. “The question now is more about how much  this foundling knows.”

Anakin looked at Master Yoda in confusion.

“Perhaps a better question is when is she from. Or where. Our galaxy or another?” Master Yoda left his hand still on Ahsoka’s head.

“Time travel and galaxy hopping.” Obi-Wan sighed heavily. “Yes, I suppose it has been rather quiet for us recently. Something was bound to crop up.”

Anakin snorted in amusement and tried to hide it as a sneeze. Judging from Master Koon’s amusement and Master Windu’s exasperation it hadn’t really worked.

“Obi no!” Ahsoka moaned, wiggling to roll over and glare at him. “It’s bad luck Obi.”

Anakin grinned and chanced a peek at his Master’s face as he responded. “She does seem to know you rather well Master.”

Obi-Wan shot him a dry look. “Yes, well, she must be positively loopy if she time traveled to be your Padawan...for a second time.”

“Perhaps we can attempt to focus gentlemen?” Master Windu cut in before they could really get wound up.

Anakin’s amusement swung directly into annoyance. “You’re right Master, we should focus on if Ahsoka is alright after such an experience.”

Obi-Wan’s rebuke in the bond barely made a difference to his feelings on the matter.

“ ‘M Fine,” Ahsoka huffed in the way that always meant someone was anything but fine. She finally unraveled herself a little and immediately began picking at her tunic. “Ani...uhm…”

There was a long pause while she obviously tried to pull her thoughts together. The bond flared to life between them, and he could feel the way she seemed to draw something from him. It didn’t hurt and he didn’t feel less for it.

Ahsoka took a deep breath before starting again, speaking slowly and obviously working at each full sentence. “Anakin is, was, not bad. He needs...help. And others too. So I’m here. To help. Think ’m suppose to... Uhm, what year’s it?”

Mace nodded, “PRR 983.”

Ahsoka seemed to take a moment to count, squinting with concentration as she tapped her fingers on her stomach. “Thirty.”

A pin could have dropped.

“Are you saying you are from thirty years in our future?” Mace asked, his face completely blank.

“Yes.” Ahsoka’s face scrunched again as she kicked her stubby legs. “Don’t like being short.”

Obi-Wan’s voice was filled with a sort of glee that Anakin usually associated with spending far too much time in the archives or the labs. The kind that promised wild adventures and massive headaches. “Well that would explain why you were so reluctant to let us get a full work up done at the med center. Perhaps you’d be more willing to submit to a few scans now?”

Ahsoka puffed up and groaned. “Don’t wanna! Hurt!”

Obi-Wan absently patted Anakin’s shoulder as if that would transfer to the girl across the room. “I promise you it won’t hurt a bit, Anakin can sit with you if you’d like.”

“Excuse me Masters...but, Ahsoka, what do you mean you want to help me?” Anakin asked. The Force still hummed through him, the question out before he could truly think of it.

There was a wibble and then another soft tugging sensation. Then, something went wrong the tug becoming a forceful yank. He could feel Ahsoka scrambling, trying to pull him back but it was- it was as if Anakin had grown six feet, ten feet, twenty feet tall-the room was distant and small and-

Stars he hurt. Everything hurt from the fall. He twisted his head back up to the top of the Sith Temple and gritted his teeth. There was a child and an injured man up there. This was his fault, his fight. How dare that-that abomination toss him off the battlefield as if Anakin was a speck. As if he was truly nothing. His Master wouldn’t have-but his Master was gone wasn’t he.

Wasn’t he?

One foot after the other, Anakin forced himself up. Forcing his legs to carry him up to face Vader. Vader had truly killed Anakin, and he would avenge his Master. It was the least that he owed him.

The least.

Because Anakin was gone...he had to be.

Vader stood, arm outstretched towards Ezra, pulling for the holocron to gain control of the weapon. Anakin snarled and began to run, igniting both his blades. As he lept, Vader turned, desperate to block his twin white blades. He almost didn’t need to, Anakin pulled his hit and was shoved through the Force. His ribs ached in protest as he once more struggled to get on his feet. Oh something was definitely broken.

“Ahsoka,” the deep mechanical mask wheezed.

“Ahsoka,” the distorted voice called.

“Ahsoka,” Anakin pleaded.

Anakin stared, his heart shattering and reforming. His Master lived. His Master was still there inside of the Sith. There was still good in him. He could feel it, that little speck of fire.

“Anakin...I won’t leave you. Not this time!” The Force sang with the truth of his words.

Anakin was torn, torn and hurting, and Vader looked back up at him. “Then you will die.”

The Force rang with the truth of his words-

Anakin woke cradled in his Master’s arms. Tears rolling down his face and mind floundering to make sense of what Ahsoka had just shown them. He wasn’t a Sith! He wasn’t! He wasn’t! He never, he would never! Obi-Wan pressed their foreheads together, one hand clenched in Anakin’s hair. “Breath Padawan. Breath.”

He was a monster! The Council had been right about him all along, he was dangerous and a monster. Vader.

Obi-Wan pressed more firmly, his breath washing over Anakin’s face and his hair blocking Anakin’s view of the chamber. “Anakin, please, breath. You are not dangerous! Listen to me and breath.”

Anakin gasped for air, feeling light headed.

“You are Anakin Skywalker. My apprentice and my friend. You are a good person Anakin. You are filled with compassion and love. You are inspiring.”

Anakin tried to listen, he did, but he could remember the way that Vader had felt in the Force. An oily fire, an explosion, a crushing weight. His brain helpfully suggested that  this was, perhaps, a really good reason for someone to travel back in time. Slowly, very slowly with Obi-Wan’s help, Anakin regained control. The pit of helpless despair and fear never lessened but he had once lived with that everyday as a slave. He would do so again. He would have to. He would learn to.

Anakin gently pulled back, not wanting to let go of Obi-Wan for a second but knowing his fate was sealed. He forced himself to look over to Master Windu only to find the man already next to him. Anakin flinched.

Mace Windu looked at him, one hand settling softly on his shoulder. His face full of concern and his presence in the Force soft. “Anakin, are you alright?”

He half nodded and half shrugged.

Master Windu squeezed his shoulder gently. “Alright then, I want you to pay very close attention to me Padawan. What we have all just seen, this information is going to stay between us. No one else, not even the rest of the Council will be fully briefed on this potential future. Do you understand?”

Anakin worked to hold back his sniffling even as a few tears escaped. “No sir. I mean, yes sir but why?”

Master Windu smiled at him, small but genuine and sure. “The future is always in motion and darkness can be overcome. We will work together to make sure of it.”

Anakin didn’t miss the way Obi-Wan was sending amusement over their bond, likely feeling the pure shock Anakin was sure was radiating off of him. Another nudge got his mouth working again. “Yes s-Master, thank you.”

Anakin looked briefly to the floor and blanched at the shiny black tiles, that terrible shining mask burned into his mind. He quickly averted his gaze to look at Ahsoka again. For her part, Ahsoka seemed none the worse for wear. As if sharing terrible events and future’s past was a regular day for her. Considering that she had apparently survived being thrown off a building before beating back a full Sith Lord, and then time traveling thirty years...perhaps to her it was.

The adrenaline in him seemed to bleed a little off from his fears into excitement. He had a really cool Padawan, and she came back for him. She came backwards in TIME. Wizard!

Obi-Wan sighed as they both watched Ahsoka climb fully onto Master Koon’s lap, before she tried to bury herself in between his tunic layers. His Master’s voice was soft, pitched only for him. “I believe you left quite the impression.”

Anakin’s heart thumped painfully against his chest. Feeling simply exhausted he slumped backwards against his Master’s chest. “I suppose so.”

Then he went out like a light.

~~~~~~

And that’s all she wrote...so far, I wasn’t lying when I said this was a WiP lol! Not sure when I’ll actually shore everything up for another chapter but I am trying to work on it while my interest in it is still high. Feel free to check this out on AO3 if you’d like an easier place for notifications on this. :)

[a-duck-with-a-book]

REVIEW // Nevernight (The Nevernight Chronicle, #1) by Jay Kristoff

★☆☆☆☆

So I’m very late to the party, but I just finished reading Nevernight by Jay Kristoff I had such high hopes for this series based off of what people recommending it had told me and what I read about it before picking up. Dark fantasy? Check. Strong leading lady? I’m here for it. Gays? It’s literally my only personality trait. Sign me up. Unfortunately, this book fell flat in all those categories. It reminded me a lot of Sarah J. Maas’s Throne of Glass, which made me take one point off of to begin with simply for making me think of Maas’s writing. Overall, I just found the book to be too predictable, with bad writing, exposition, and pacing, and too many parts that just made me ~uncomfortable~.

In case you are not familiar with this novel, Nevernight tells the story of Mia Corvere, a girl who lost her family when she was a child after her father was convicted of treason. When the book begins, she is 16 years old and embarking on a journey to join the Red Church, a school for assassins, so that she may one day be able to avenge her father’s death. Along the way she meets a bunch of forgettable characters whose names I can’t be bothered to remember and is taught by the most fearsome killers in the Republic. Here she gains many valuable skills, like how to survive being poisoned, how to fight, and how to get big boobs.

+ Side note: by chapter 3 three I started picturing Mia as the crow guy from RWBY and I could not shake that for the rest of the book

I had many issues with this novel that I will try to summarize in some sort of coherent fashion, but to be honest this book sucked the will to live out of me so I don’t know how much energy I can put into this review.

// image: official cover art by Jason Chan //

FOOTNOTES

The footnotes were probably the most jarring element of the book for me, and, unfortunately, there’s a lot of them. Their function seems to be twofold:

they are the form of most of the world-building, explaining several customs, the history of the institutions and peoples Mia meets, and the mythology followed by the people of the Republic.

they allow for the narrator of our story to interrupt with comical one-liners or cryptic foreshadowing

In my humble opinion, both of these are unnecessary and stupid. The interruptions come off as crass and immature and make the other more textbook, boring exposition come off as a joke, especially when it is dealing with sensitive or serious topics. There is one that explains this brothel called the Seven Flavors, which the footnote explains refer to “Boy, Girl, Man, Woman, Pig, Horse, and, if sufficient notice and coin was given, Corpse.” Now, on its own, this passing mention of pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia could very well contribute to the world building and tone of the novel, but when placed side by side with the childish, joking tone of the “cue the violiiiiiiiins” or, regarding the acoustics of a room, “…they were, as it happens, exceptional. Falalalalalalaaaaaaaa”, come off as way too light-hearted for the topic at hand. Maybe I’m being way too sensitive, but I’m pretty tired of authors using serious topics as off-hand remarks as a lazy way to make their world daker and grittier. Plus, these footnotes were just so incredibly cringy that I would recoil from second-hand embarrassment every time. They resemble the things I wrote when I was 14 and trying (and miserably failing) to be funny. Also… there are way too many of them. While at first I appreciated the attempt to deepen the lore of the story (I’m a sucker for world-building), after a while it became evident that the author was just forcing information down our throats without taking the time to actually weave the lore and background into the story itself. It came off as a very lazy way to force exposition.

OVERLY FLOWERY LANGUAGE

This story is BRIMMING with similes and metaphors, like every other sentence is some overly complicated way to describe something that could have been presented in three words. When you include so many metaphors/similes/etc., they begin to lose power. They should allow the reader to extrapolate more meaning and emotion from a sentence, but if the book is bursting at the seams with them, they become increasingly ordinary, to the point of losing all of their luster. One prime example appears on page 30:

“It was a bucktoothed little shithole, and no mistake. Not the most miserable building in all creation. [here there is a footnote about some other inn/brothel] But if the inn were a man and you stumbled into him in a bar, you’d be forgiven for assuming he had—after agreeing enthusiastically to his wife’s request to bring another woman into their marriage bed—discovered his bride making up a pallet for him in the guest room.”

So first of all what the fuck is that supposed to mean? That whole paragraph is a fever dream. Let’s begin with “bucktoothed little shithole”. Bucktoothed? Really? What does that mean. Please, someone explain to be right now what a bucktoothed building is. Is it uneven? Is it awkward? Is it half-finished? Is one side longer than the other? Did they do a bad paint job that only covers on side? Are the windows askew? Is the door too big for its frame? We already know from the paragraph above that it is “disheveled” as well, so why the need for another weird phrasing of its appearance? We then move on to that whole JOURNEY of a sentence, where the inn is compared to a man being cuckolded. That is the most insane tale-can you imagine running into someone in a bar and that story being the VERY FIRST thing that runs through your mind??? I know I’m focusing way too much on this stupid paragraph, but basically what I am trying to get at is that even though we spend half a page talking about how bucktoothed and disheveled and cuckolded this building is, we get no actual physical description of it. Imagine if Kristoff had just written that it was a run-down, ill-kept building that looked as worse for wear as its owner did. Done, one sentence. Great. Let’s move on. Instead, we spend so long reading these absolutely batshit descriptions that ultimately tell us next to nothing. Flowery language is placed over actual context. You may think that a description this long and complex means that this inn is a significant or recurring setting in the novel. Nope. It’s not. Mia leaves and that’s that. The reason that I’m focusing so much on this objectively irrelevant paragraph is because it is so representative of the biggest issue I have with the writing in this book. There are so many unnecessary comparisons that function only to make the author feel clever rather than add anything to the story at all. It’s very à la 2010s Tumblr.

THE (IN MY OPINION, BAD) WRITING

For the first half of the book, we are constantly being TOLD things rather than being SHOWN things. With the exception of one of the teachers cutting off Mia’s arm, we rarely see the ruthlessness that the assassins are so feared for, but we hear about it in nearly every other sentence Where are the consequences? I think this book would have been way more enjoyable if there were actually consequences to the characters’ actions. The inclusion of the weaver and the weird vampire guy completely remove any tension regarding the fate of the central cast. When Mia had her arm chopped off, I was shocked, and pleasantly surprised. How was she going to overcome this unexpected obstacle in her training? Then a couple pages later, its reattached with absolutely no lasting consequences. All of the initial tension and shock value of the loss of Mia’s arm is entirely removed because of the two incest-y siblings. Their entire purpose for existing is just to undo all damage to the main characters. Then suddenly, out of the blue, Mia is willing to take on a ton of consequences and completely throw away her chance at becoming initiated in order to avenge her family just to save Tric from receiving like one punishment??? Like why?? As an aside, the only moment I truly enjoyed was when Ash fucking stabbed Tric to death. I assume that when the reader’s favorite moment is one of the central characters’ death, it does not bode well for their reception of the book.

THE THEMES

TW: rape-y subjects

The author seemed a little too keen to include rape and sexual assault in his story. Mia withdrew her consent in the sex scene in the very first chapter, and even if you read it as consensual (which I do not), it is described as incredibly unpleasant on her end. Tric is the result of a rape, which is brought up several times throughout the story. Further, Mia is constantly facing harassment from men. I understand that this is frames the idea that the world she lives in is misogynistic and ruthless, but there are other ways to push that idea through other than constantly putting in her in those situations. As in, this didn’t need to be the ONLY way we explored this subject. Beyond the uncomfortable propensity for sexual assault, I also very much disliked the sexualization of the 16-year-old main character. Oh. My. Gosh. Mia is CONSTANTLY sexualized. Every single damn character makes comments about her body, how hot she is, how much sex she potentially has. It is so weird and uncomfortable. I feel the need to reiterate that she is SIXTEEN. There is, however, a focus placed on the power Mia can gain from seducing her targets. Girl power? Not to me, really. The issue I have with this is the idea that a woman has to be overtly sexual in order to be considered powerful. This is something that we can see in many female assassins and supposedly powerful female characters in fiction (like Black Widow) especially those written by men. Now, there is nothing wrong with using one’s sexuality as a weapon, and I’m certainly not saying that a strong female character cannot be sexual, but the idea that a sixteen-year-old girl is shown having her body painfully modified tp be more desirable, and in a graphic sex scene with another character, in order to for the reader to read her as liberated and powerful does not sit well with me. I don’t really feel like this aspect of her training should be relevant to the overall story. I wish the time that Kristoff had dedicated to hammering into our heads that Mia is a femme fatale to developing her Darkin powers instead. The way she is written now feels more like she is a faux strong female character written for a male audience.

Secondly, Mia is fully written as “the plain-girl-who-is-actually-pretty”. This whole trope bothers me IMMENSELY. YA is full of girls who are described as plain, forgettable, or ugly while their physical descriptions are just the dictionary definition of conventionally attractive. It seems like a way to market off of girls’ self-consciousness while still being able to market the main character as a hot heroine in official art. And there is, of course, the issue of Mia’s boob job Readwithcindy (just “withcindy” now!) did a whole video about this so I won’t get into it much just to repeat what she already said, but I agree that the idea of a 30-something year old man including this completely unnecessary detail regarding the sexualization of teenage girl, who we have ALREADY seen in a rape and being sexualized by other men in the story, made me really, really, uncomfortable. I highly recommend you go watch her video, as she touches on this in way more detail. [Cindy's video

RATINGS

Worldbuilding: ★★☆☆☆

A lot of thought obviously went into the world-the mythology, society, and politics are well-thought out. But the way they are introduced is annoying and bland. It seems like the author put a lot of effort into constructing this world but realized a lot of it would be left out of the book, so he crammed it into footnotes instead.

Tone and writing style: ★☆☆☆☆ for first half, ★★★☆☆ for second half

The tone of the first half is all over the place, like it doesn’t know if it should be dark and gritty or comical and immature. Footnotes and character dialogue ranges from lighthearted and crass to seeped with themes of torture and sexual assault. It is jarring, to say the least, and often feels like the author doesn’t take these ideas of rape or violence seriously. There are so many instances where the scene is tense or gritty, and Kristoff is actually writing it pretty well, I’m enthralled and on the edge of my seat, and then Mia or some other character (or the footnotes) throw in some stupid comment or make the same “Mia is such an asshole lol” joke for the billionth time and completely ruin the mood of that scene. The second half of the book moved much faster and was helped with way better writing, but it really did not do enough to make up for the horrendous structure of the first half of the book.

Pacing and structure: ★☆☆☆☆

The first half of the book really drags on. Once we arrive at the school, there are constant jumps in timeline, marked with periods when a thousand things happen all at once and the plot moves forward at a dizzying rate, and others when the characters just seem to be going about their daily lessons.

Concept: ★★★☆☆

I found the overall idea of the books to be very interesting, even though it is certainly not the most original or unique concept for a YA fantasy book. The issue is that the potential is squandered with a poor execution.

Characters: ★☆☆☆☆

I truly did not care about any of the characters. The token mean girl, the bumbling nice-guy-who-is-definitely-the-love-interest. too many of the characters just sat nicely within their tropes, doing nothing much to pique my interests. I think my favorite overall was Mister Kindly.

[dragonwarriorgal]

Fate: Winx Saga episode 2. No Strangers Here

Ah, more exposition fever

ah, this monster that i can't see is very scary in this supposed daylight lighting

I think that I will go this entire SIX episode season (thank god) not ever seeing what a Burned One (the monster) looks like...

Oh, right, I completely forgot that Bloom gave up on the school ON THE FIRST DAY!!!

"How are you feeling?" GAH, A NORMAL CONVERSATION STARTER

"well suck it up!" scratch that, the show doesn't want any good writing between teenagers

Wow, for being the friendliest of the bunch (it is a low standard considering this group), Terra sure is being rude to Musa.

Oh. MY GOD. I hate their interactions

"No one says anything to anyone" Teen tv drama in a nutshell.

Ah, evil villain of the series. I didn't recognize you without the braids for a minute.

Beatrix is her name apparently... not THAT I HEARD IT IN THE VERY FIRST EPISODE (or forgot about it, same thing really)

Wow, could she BE ANYMORE SUSPICIOUS? Next thing she says will propably be "Can I feed the Burned One you have currently locked in a shed in the woods behind a powerful barrier where only you have the key headmistress?" *blinks innocently*

Ah, yes brown nosing, that was what she was doing...

pop song number 1 (4 if you count the first episode)

Is Beatrix SERIOUSLY MAKING AN EVIL FACE while showcasing her power TO THE WHOLE CLASS?!?!?!?

I really want Bloom to actually have more control in her power in this scene. It only showcases how STUPID IT WAS THAT SHE WENT ON HER OWN ON THE OPENING DAY TOWARDS DANGER TO PRACTICE HER POWERS. And then giving up on the school.

"Focus on clear, positive feelings" *the entire class gossiping about her control of her powers*

Yes, focus on your parents and how they took away YOUR DOOR to FORCE YOU TO BE "MORE OPEN"

It is surreal to me, when the show becomes self aware of how stupid this plot can be. "why didn't you tell me about my parents headmistress? Instead I get to hear it from my roommates!"

"Eventually the answers will come" in a form of exposition monologue probably in the next 1 or 2 episode

Cryptic and vague?

Show: all this talk about feelings and learning more about your powers is getting boring... LET'S HAVE AN ACTION SEQUENCE WITH HOMOEROTIC UNDERTONES!!!!

"could you be 50% less of a dick" My motto watching this show made it in apparently...

JUST FUCK ALREADY!

That is the first scene where I actually feel that they have healthy mother/daughter relationship. Not, whatever the fuck those scenes from the last episode was

"I can actually hear your eyes roll" Oh, sorry, was I too loud?

Wow, and she end this conversation with an insult to her own daughter...

Holding a sign over her head saying "I am the evil student" would be less subtle for Beatrix!

No matter how many emotional scenes we get with Terra about her struggles, I will ALWAYS find her ANNOYING

I get so distracted in this scene because honestly, I think that this actress who plays Bloom would have been perfect for the role of Clary Fray in the Mortal instruments series. Now whether Kathryn McNamara would be better as Bloom that is another story, because she KILLED IT in Arrow and honestly I think that McNamara isn't cut for Teen drama... where were we again? Oh that's right

I mean she dresses the part of Clary Fray rather than Bloom

*snores*-GAH! What did I miss? Oh, nothing, just Bloom doing things herself rather than getting help and Stella being a bitch.

Stella: "Here, let me help you with controlling your power, you just need positive emotions. I'll just go ahead and bully you like the bitch I am"

I literally had to take a 10 minute break from this episode

This GREENhouse is unnaturally YELLOW considering all the plants

"you wanna see something cool?" "Sure" Me: No

This show makes me numb...

"Show, don't tell" And yet another one of my mantras made it in.

"That's Mr. Silva, who is fighting for his life, let's just stand here and where the hell has Bloom gone off to? That silly girl"

Oh, my god! That Burned one just went through Bloom's fire like it was nothing! Just kept on parkouring!

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP ALERT!

IS THERE SERIOUSLY NO BACK ENTRANCE OR A MEDICAL FACILITY THEY CAN DRAG SILVA THROUGH? THEY JUST HAD TO GO THROUGH THE MAIN CORRIDOR????

WOW BEATRIX! COULD YOU BE ANY MORE FAKE? "Oh, poo, headmistress"*blink blink*"Headmister Silva was hurt by that monster thing you kept in the barn in the woods"*proceeds to put eyedrops in her own eyes to produce tears*

I have no idea where anybody is in this scene.

There really is no medical facility in this school. Also "Someone released the burned one before we got there" "But who would do such a thing?" Beatrix:

Honestly I had no idea that the assistant was in on the evil scheme.

Dear god, that electric toothbrush is louder than my neighbor's drill... and our walls are made out of concrete, so if he hammers or drills on the wall, we can hear it as if he is doing it right next to us!

That toothbrush isn't even on. I mean it is not spinning, isn't it supposed to spin?

Stella: "I had to cover for us of what we were doing there trespassing." Me: So... what did you say?

Here's how the Hate to Like spectrum is to me so far: Stella and Terra, Bloom and Musa, then Aisha.

PFFT! OH MY GOD THAT CLIFFHANGER!

And I think this gif sums up my feelings about the episode:

[inmyarmswrappedin]

DRUCK reactions - s4 ep2

With special thanks to Michi ( @wodrueckts ) for looking over it to make sure I didn’t say anything glaringly wrong. 💛

CLIP 1: It’s hard out there for a hijabi

Here’s one thing I like about this episode: the shot of the tiara spinning in the air. That said, it’s kind of inexplicable. It’s been like a month since the Abiball, so what’s the tiara doing here? Was Amira holding onto it all this time? Did she have this vision of, like, sorting out her shit as she prepares to move out of her parents’ home, and remembering how her gay friend gave the tiara to her because he hated that his boyfriend was so hot he just naturally won all popularity contests? And she was like, “Imma do a solid for future Amira and get rid of this dollar store tiara right now”?

Anyway.

So far, Amira M.’s season has been the only Sana season not to drop during Ramadan. Seems like the Druck team thought they might not even get to Amira, and then they got renewed at the eleventh hour. So they needed to put that shit out quick because the character was set to leave for Australia and anyway it would’ve been really weird to do an Amira season in uni, and then go back to high school with the next gen. So this season is set in summer, and depending on what Wtfock does with Yasmina, it might be the only Sana season to do so.

I think setting this clip lakeside was pretty clever. Plenty of chances to show people in swimming suits or skimpy clothing, as well as people’s reactions to Amira’s burkini. It very quickly sets the stage for the season, same as the bus montage did for Sana in Skam.

I’m not sure how to feel about Sam thinking cunnilingus is boring. Is she sure she’s having it done right? I thought Abdi had a longer than average tongue.

And thanks to Michi, I discovered that this was a reference to Skam, which I didn’t even know because I still had the gdrive subs for s2, where Chris says getting eaten out in Gran Canaria was fun, as opposed to the new subs, where she says it was boring as shit and she fell asleep.

I can’t remember whether Sana’s prayer app ever went off in front of the girl squad. When Skam España did it, the girls immediately freaked the fuck out at the thought of Amira praying right in the middle of a street party. In this case, Kiki looks at Amira for a second. Amira turns the app off though, so we never find out what the girls would’ve done if Amira were to pray right there. Or if it’s happened before. (I’ve been told by Michi this has happened before but the girls didn’t have a reaction then either.)

“Girls, why does it always have to be about boys with you guys?” GO OFF, AMIRA. I remember when I watched the season live, I became exhausted at all the boy talk, so it’ll be interesting to see if I still get this feeling watching the episodes.

In comparison to Vilde, Kiki is also a good sport about Amira wanting this topic to be over. I mean, she laughs a little (perhaps knowingly?), but Kiki is always up for changing the topic to something else about her… Like her and Carlos’ house hunting!

And also, Druck has sent Mia off to Spain to reassure viewers that this Noora won’t take over the season like other Nooras. (Ahem.)

For lack of something to talk about, Amira brings up boxing. Kiki is immediately interested, since she loves working out. Amira is really not into the idea of her brothers getting to know her friends, so she uses Hanna’s reticence to shoot Kiki down.

Her mood has been spoiled all in all, so she stays back to feel alienated as the girls splash around.

She does look cute as hell in her burkini and sunglasses though.

CLIP 2: Am I a bet? Am I a fucking bet?

I really like the blink and you’ll miss it shot of (I think is) the customized snow globe with the Nadia and Amira pic.

Some other stuff in Amira’s room: A polisci book, a list of lodgings in Sydney open on her browser, and what I’m pretty sure is a save the date card from Nadia and her fiancé. This is a very smart way to set up Amira’s character for people who might not have been paying a lot of attention to her so far. It’s always fun to get a peek at a Skams character’s bedroom for the first time.

Amira’s season came after Imane’s, and one thing I immediately liked more about Druck was that they spent time with the prayer scenes. I remember ONE (1) scene where Imane prayed in Skam France, and we only got to see the tail end of it.

I’m pretty sure the game the Mahmoodis play doesn’t actually exist, which probably has to do with having to pay royalties to show a real game. Interestingly(?), when I searched Dr. Whoo and Chopstick on google, it led me to Doctor Who pages, so I wonder if it’s all an elaborate Doctor Who reference on the part of someone in the Druck team.

In Skam, Sana misses the shot because the balloon squad are talking throughout the whole song, but Amira loses because Mohammed literally leans into her line of sight to make eye contact. In general, Mohammed is a lot more suave and savvier than Yousef ever was.

CLIP 3: This apartment is gonna kill somebody

And on a similar note but related to Amira, she is set up as someone the other girls rely on for advice. Kiki needs her help with the renter, while Sam asks her for romantic advice. I think the reason for this might be that while the girls didn’t exactly rely on Sana for advice in Skam, Sana was the one with the ideas since the start. Amira doesn’t necessarily take charge of situations the way Sana did, but there’s this notion that without Amira, the squad would fall apart.

The Berlin housing market = shantycore goals.

I also like the bit of subtle social commentary in Amira’s speech, about middle aged people helping young adults get started with life, so the latter can support the former when it comes to pensions, etc.

CLIP 4: Huh.

So even though Amira didn’t want the girls at the gym earlier, they are here now.

The day before, Amira posted a story on ig reminding the girls about the boxing class, with no indication that she ever tried to get them not to come.

Hanna gives a quick bit of exposition when she mentions Stefan is already working full time (and in a job that presumably requires a uni degree) while she just graduated high school. Which she finds weird.

As in Skam, Essam calls Amira ‘slave,’ which Kiki and Hanna notice. Amira quickly says it has to do with a bet, and the subject gets dropped.

When the season was airing, I thought for sure this wasn’t the end of it, and it would be brought up again, either through Kiki, Hanna, or possibly Stefan via Hanna. But no, this is really the end of that storyline.

My question is, why? What is the point of recreating this storyline from Skam (even going through the trouble of setting up a week during the hiatus between episodes 31 and 32, where Amira wins and Essam has to be the slave) if you’re just going to drop it in the same episode? It’s bad writing because we’re still in the stage of the season where storylines are being set up for later. It’s bad writing because Kiki and/or Hanna literally never bring up this bet/slave business again after devoting several clips and a bunch of social media to it. It’s like the writers didn’t really want to adapt this storyline from Skam, but they also didn’t have a ton of ideas for this week. Or maybe they were going to go somewhere with it, but then they changed their minds because it made some character look bad, but they forgot to take it out.  

Like okay, fine, it wasn’t my favorite storyline in Skam either. It made Vilde look like an idiot at best, or a racist and a traitor at worst. But then why even have Kiki and Hanna overhear Essam? It’s not like they had to do it for adaptation reasons. Skam France didn’t.

It’s frustrating as fuck, and it won’t be the last time this season will pull this on the viewer.

Speaking of which, Sam thinks Mohammed is hot as hell (she ain’t wrong) and invites Essam, Omar and Mohammed to Jonas’ birthday party. This bothers Amira, because she doesn’t want her brothers to hang out with her friends. Even though she apparently just invited the girls to the boxing class that takes place at the gym her brothers attend.

[SIGH]

But anyway, Sam is being characterized as someone who is in charge of her sexuality (throughout the whole show, but specifically in this episode). While Amira is pining from a distance, getting flustered just from eye contact, Sam sees a hot guy and immediately creates an opportunity to see him again.

CLIP 5: Barbecue pining

There’s such a summer vibe about always finding reasons to hang out at a specific place because your friend got a summer job there.

I gotta give it to the writers. Essam is such a well-constructed younger sibling character. He’s a brat exactly in the way younger siblings are, and yet… That’s also the reason he’s so endearing.

And, on that note, Omar gives off such dad vibes. Not even older brother vibes. Every time I see Omar I feel like he’s thinking, “ha-ha! These little brats are acting out because they’re going through a lot! We just have to understand them!”

The conversation Amira and Mohammed have around the barbecue is so dumb, but you gotta love how pleased Amira is that she has Mohammed’s attention. Though she’s also unused to liking having a guy’s attention.

David and Matteo are back, and they’re still adorable! Good for them.

The way you could describe this moment as, Amira literally turned around for a moment and Sam was already touching Mohammed’s hair, and have it be accurate, sums up what they’re going for here.

Social media

There was a lot of social media content to keep people fed in the hiatus between episode 31 and 32. David and Matteo backpacked through Europe, Mia left for Spain and Kiki made a video about it, Stefan was invited to a game night with the crew, Kiki and Carlos looked for an apartment, and as I mentioned earlier, Essam lost a bet to Amira and had to be her slave for a week. I think that’s about it!

Abdi suggests that he and Carlos give Jonas supplies to make a protest sign as a birthday present and I almost lost it.

I think the piece of social media that most pissed off Skam purists was a chat where Jonas assures Amira he’s already thought of buying halal meat (as well as vegetarian and vegan options) for his birthday, because apparently Druck wanted to show up Skam or something, but like… It’s not like this storyline went anywhere on Skam either, like at no point do the girls learn to order pizza Sana can eat. So what does it matter if Jonas is already aware that Muslims eat halal meat.

I love that Hanna went to boxing class once, posted a bunch of stories about it and then never attended again. What a mood.

And to close the week, Kiki texts Amira that Essam started following her on insta.

FINAL THOUGHTS

When the season was airing, I found these clips cute enough. But on rewatch, I didn’t care for this episode and the reason is that so much of it ended being irrelevant to the season. What this episode did well was setting up the Kiki/Amira friendship, setting Kiki and Carlos’ apartment and the boxing class as recurring settings for the season and some character details. Essam is a really solid character from the get go, and I like the details in Amira’s room. They could’ve left out just about everything else.

[thesummerstorms]

Rev Recaps Hard Contact (Chapter 7)

CW: mass execution

TL;DR Recap: Niner & Omega watch the Separatists murder Hokan’s old militia. Etain and Darman meet and it’s incredibly awkward. Hokan takes time to gloat. The truth finally comes out about Atin.

Beginning Kal Count: 10 Ending Kal Count: 12 (or 12.5)

THIS RECAP IS THE LONGEST YET. Everything seems to happen in this chapter.

So we open with Niner being bored, Fi being Fi, and Atin being cheerful because he’s up to his elbows in electronic guts. The scene starts pretty quiet before a massive tonal change, but it’s honestly the front half that’s my favorite, just for character reasons.

Niner is bored and grumpy, so logically he’s thinking about how to revise the training manual. Plus his little “if one precaution was good, two were better.” Good old Niner.  Fi being amused that Atin is made content by shredding a computer to pieces. I don’t know, it’s just the little things about their dynamic that makes me happy.

Niner is still upset with Atin, but he’s also curious. He doesn’t have long to think about it though, because the Separatist troops assigned to Uthan along with some of the battle droids assigned to the planet start approaching Hokan’s old Weequay militia. The squad watches as the Separatist officer and the droids proceed to murder every single one of Hokan’s old “associates” in visual range with no warning then retreat back to their base, which Niner finds understandably worrying. 

We switch then to Etain, who is frustrated and paranoid and is building herself an emergency exist by loosening the boards in the back wall of the barn where Jinart has been hiding her. She’s yet again frustrated that she can’t do more with her Force powers, and her lack of self-esteem really comes out in full measure.

“She wondered why Jedi blood had bothered to manifest itself in someone who was so fallible.” Sweetheart...

Jinart arrives to take her somewhere and lets Etain finally feel her presence in the Force. But when Etain mistakes Jinart for a Jedi and asks why Jinart didn’t tell her what she was... Jinart tells Etain to shut up.

“And given your competence, I’m the one who’s most at risk. Now, silence.”

Okay, listen, if you could give her even like three seconds of genuine explanation rather than just attacking her for not trusting you after her teacher was literally sold out and then tortured to death, then you wouldn’t need to tell her to STFU. I’m just saying, Jinart.

Anyway, Jinart tells Etain that there’s a soldier waiting up ahead for her, so Etain heads in that direction, despite Jinart still being extremely shady. She’s about to meet Darman, and while I love them both dearly, while this ship is my OTP, it’s... really fucking awkward.

Listen. This is just weird as hell, okay? I’m gonna admit it. I also pretend it ... wasn’t written like this. Because while Darman is naive and inexperienced, he still has enough neurological development (and enough experiences that go beyond the pale of normal adulthood even) that this weird framing of him as “childlike” just comes off creepy. So I ignore it. That’s really all I have to say about it.

Etain feels Darman’s scope or his attention through the scope or whatever, and decides “well, I’m going to fuck someone up before I die, if I can”, which to be fair, is a very Etain thing to do.

Darman sees her lighstaber is like “oh, finally a Jedi”, and tries to greet her politely. Except this is Etain, who really has no idea what the fuck is going on except that she’s been on this planet for three or more months, the only person she trusted was murdered, and there’s an evil Mandalorian somewhere who wants to hurt her badly.

So naturally when her vision clears (Darman blinded her with some kind of light), she see his helmet, assumes Jinart’s shadiness was in fact the prelude to a betrayal and that this is Hokan...

Darman getting worried now:

And Etain being Etain,she launches herself at him.  (ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง

It... doesn’t go well. Darman deflects most of her attacks pretty easily and literally dumps her in the river, continuing to try and calm her down to no avail, but she’s reached her breaking point and is pretty much in a blind rage.

“and when she was frightened and desperate and angry that was very hard indeed. She hadn’t know it until now.”

Listen, it’s a very un-Jedi-like but very Etain thing to do, and also who can really blame her given what she thought was happening and the kind of time she’s had on this planet so far. But Darman is exasperated, and I’m pretty Etain was embarrassed looking back at this for the remainder of her very short life.

Anyway, Darman finally manages to calm her down enough to let him talk, and in the process, he tries to smooth things over by taking the blame. He didn’t identify himself, it’s his fault, etc. He introduces himself (with the wrong designation- KT uses CC 1136, which would make him a Commander, rather than RC 1136) but in doing so, he uses terms of ranks, confusing the hell out of her. She asks when they got a Grand Army and-

We get the iconic “handing her back her lightsaber from the river” scene, except the official art for that picture always neglects to depict the fact that as gentlemanly as he’s trying to be, she’s dripping wet with her hair plastered in her face and desperately trying to politely ask her not to either get herself shot or go after him with a lightsaber again.

Instead of “meet cute” it’s more of a “meet extremely awkward”.

Anyway, this is all coming on the heels of several really bad months for Etain and the utter dismissal she just got from Jinart, so her insecurity really comes out in this conversation. It’s not really pretty.

(Side note, for once I do have to give KT some points on effectively carrying a tiny world building thing: Dar was embarrassed when Jusik asked for his name, he’s embarrassed that Etain is doing it now, and he’s going to be embarrassed again when she asks the rest of his squad.)

“talking army gibberish” lmao.

Again, self-esteem issues. But to be honest, as embarrassed as I am for Etain in this scene (she really doesn’t give her best here) it’s probably because I can relate a hell of a lot to her emotions?

Like, imagine. You’ve already got major issues with your self-worth from a lifetime of not being good enough for the people and the system that raised you, you just got dragged by an old woman after months of struggling behind enemy lines, you failed in your mission to protect the one person who gave a shit about you, and some (to your knowledge) regular human just successfully took you down without too much struggle when Jedi are supposed to be more than human, the best of the best. Then he turns to you with wide-eyed confidence and insists you are now his commanding officer, and you almost feel worse because he’s trying to absolve you of any fault. 

I’d be kind of prickly and asshole-ish, too, if I’m honest.

Again, we start with her having trouble with some wounded pride. But... we end on that bomb shell, and I would not blame Etain for short-circuiting at being told a 10 year old had been “bred to serve [her]. It’s a hell of a lot.

Anyway, I’m aware I copied and pasted almost the entire scene, but there’s a lot there, okay? But next comes more Hokan, and he’s basically just gloating that he’s now more powerful than Ankkit.

*long, exasperated sigh*

Listen, I could write a college essay about characterization just focusing on this man’s use of the word decadent, holy fuck. Also, the gloating is “vulgar” but all he does for pretty much his entire appearance in this chapter is gloat.

You know who Hokan would have gotten on with? Vizsla. Wait- no. Even Vizsla kicked him out. Anyway, Hokan finishes gloating and then goes off to murder a farmer for not divulging important information quickly enough/trying to trade it for booze.

This chapter is long and I know I’ve made this post really long, but we cut back to Niner and Fi again. They’ve made their way to one of the rendezvous points, only to find the trees that should be there aren’t. Fi eventually guesses that they’ve been logging and makes a disparaging comment about intel. Niner gives a little bit more exposition on how terrible the Kaminoans were, including a rumor about clones with impaired eyesight who disappeared and a comment about how Jedi giving orders is different from Kaminoans because Kaminoans are the only things he fears.

Fi is sighing, and eventually Niner prods at him:

And we get our biggest Kal Count yet. Technically this is one continuing remembrance, but it’s also long as hell and includes lots of little memories, so I almost want to include it as 1.5 towards our Kal Count, bringing us to a total of 11 (or 11.5). I’m way more interested in their conversation before Kal is brought up than after, honestly. But the reminiscing gets broken up when Omega is suddenly shot at by a few Separatist officers and a bunch of battle droids:

Please, please imagine this moment with the cartoon B1 battle droid voices from The Clone Wars. Please, I’m begging you.

Atin saves Niner’s life, which is honestly the most positive thing that has happened between the two of them so far and marks a turning point for them in general. It’s also the first time we get to see Fi jump in as squad medic, but he’s super efficient about it. Also, he snarks at Atin as he’s actively trying to decide if Atin is dying or not:

Niner offers to carry Atin’s pack for him until he’s doing better, which means he’s probably carrying something like 300 lbs now, even if Atin did save his life. And I know my screenshots for this post have been ridiculously long, but Niner finally, finally reconciles with Atin enough to figure out why Atin has been an asshole about Darman this whole time (minus the Vau thing):

It’s a pretty nice closing line to the scene, honestly. Also, technically speaking our Kal Count just jumped to 12.

I’ll spare you most of the closing scene because it’s just Hokan being pissed and thinking it’s impossible clones could have done this, but:

a) Mandalorian. Honor. Complex. You’d think Mandalore the Ultimate had been in charge for the last few years instead of Jango.

b) seriously. What is it with the word “decadent”??????

But it’s over quickly with Hokan making the wry observation that if he didn’t know better he would think he was being haunted by Jango’s ghost.

[eisforeidolon]

Episode: Raising Hell

So, uh, basically I have no idea why anything in this episode happens or what its point is supposed to be. Having looked up who wrote it somewhere in the middle, I am completely lacking in surprise.

I mean, the first bit pretty much sets the tone.  Chatty Corpsy spouts exposition a mile a minute, then gets killed, and the ghost stands over her and spells disembowel.  Is that actually supposed to be scary?  Funny?  Anything but an absolutely bizarre waste of my time?

A bunch of dudes with basically nothing but FBI jackets and a bullshit story to back themselves up with convince an entire town to camp out in the local high school for two days without anybody figuring out they're full of shit.  You know, what with smartphones existing and all.  Plausible!

Furthermore, I have become convinced that everyone in this writer's room genuinely believes there is nothing scarier than a bunch of random antagonists standing around in a room pontificating at each other.  It's all demons do anymore. It's all angels do anymore.  Oh, fucking look, here's a bunch of goddamn ghosts doing it, too!  A fucking thrill a minute, I tell you.

Also, you know how the episode with H.H. Holmes was actually scary?  Whether or not you think it's in questionable taste for them to use real life serial killers at all, the reason they included him was because the whole murder castle deal and semi-mythical legends about him made for a scary premise they actually used in the episode.  I ignored the thing with it being Gacy before in Lebanon because there was more important stuff going on, but contrast the current writers' choices with him and this Jack the Ripper guy with the use of Holmes.  Here they're just throwing out the names of real life murderers to try and make their villains scary in the cheapest, fastest way possible.  Just like bringing back “Bloody Mary” that just kills whoever, this loudmouthed windbag has nothing to do with the name they're stealing to try and make him scary.

Also, the spell demon guy did is keeping the ghosts in, right?  Sure, it's going to fail, but at the moment, it's supposed to be an impassible barrier, yes?  So why, exactly, is it necessary for Sam to call in his goon squad to join the four of them in wandering into the danger zone to shoot at 'em? Seriously, why?  Shooting them dissipates them for a few seconds, maybe minutes.  They’re not laying out additional salt or iron lines or doing anything that might genuinely help contain the ghosts, they’re just putting themselves in danger because ...?  The mooks could also be better spent guarding the major entrance points to the town and/or the townies and/or doing research back at the bunker into what they're going to try next after the barrier fails.  But those things would actually make sense and prevent the shambling zombie that is the writers’ pathetic attempt at a plot in this episode being pushed into something vaguely resembling action. 

I am shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that Rowena is now suddenly unable to do something with her powers that she did before.  Hey, remember when she stole that page out of the damned book to make herself more powerful to unseal her full powers (even though they touted her as the most powerful witch ever to begin with) and that was in season 13, well after the ghost-crystal-bomb thing?  But LOL, now she's even weaker?  This is exactly why nothing matters anymore.  Things that worked previously (angel powers, witch powers, the Colt, whatever) suddenly and randomly don't work to do the exact same jobs for … reasons.  The thing that makes it even dumber is they could have said that the ghost containing spell and crystal ghost sucking spell interfered with each other somehow.  Still at a bullshit level of convenience, but it doesn't involve making everyone and everything's powers completely arbitrary just because fuck continuity, that’s why!

Then Ketch shows up to save the Winchesters from their sudden attack of brain damage.  The show has provided an entire. fucking. town. full of angry ghosts straight from hell.  But actually bother to write a scene of Sam and Dean legit getting over their heads in a believable way?  Why fucking bother when you can just make them astoundingly incompetent.  It is literally unbelievable that Sam and Dean would not recognize those people as possessed fucking immediately.  Yet they stand there with rock salt filled shotguns doing sweet fuckall confronted by three fucking ghosts so Ketch can make a big entrance.  Is there a rule on a board somewhere in the writer's room that Sam and Dean have to be made to look incompetent at least once an episode?  Is this some kind of revenge for having to still write the main characters they're so clearly bored with?  Are these idiots just so fucking stupid they don't realize how insulting this is?  Did they run out of money for extras and the stunt coordinator?  

Also, someone explain to me how tiny flakes of metal are going to be less harmful to a human body than rock salt.  I'll wait.  They just really really wanted Ketch as one of the BMoL guys to have some kind of specialized gadget but couldn’t give him something actually potentially useful for the situation at hand.

Again, these writers really want to be writing a bad soap opera with occasional supernatural elements.  So despite that it's the final fucking season, we have time for Rowena and Ketch flirting.  Not to mention that they also give the only major female character even more relationship drama with the Jack the Ripper guy later.  If it's not questionably skeevy, it's not Bucklemming! 

Also, Castiel is not good at inspirational speeches, just like he’s frustratingly almost never good at anything else these days (those healing powers that were working last week? ha! forget it!).  Anyway, why do they keep having him make them?  Are we as the audience supposed to find them convincing though they never work on the target?  Are we supposed to feel bad for all the ~*feelings*~ Castiel supposedly has despite being an angel who isn’t supposed to have emotions the same way humans do?  I guess this particular one is to further show that Dean’s still mad (which I am absolutely 100% behind) but eh, whatever.  Though I guess that still ranks it above most of the episode sitting at a solid WTF, no really, WTF?!

Now we get to the part where they bring Kevin back for no fucking reason beyond that he's a “fan favorite”.  None of it makes a single tiny speck of sense.  Let's skip right past the fundamental absurdity of how Chuck apparently did this for literally no reason just to be a dick when he was actively trying to pretend not to be a dick.  Kevin has a “bad boy” reputation (come the fuck on) because God Himself cast him down - so him being in hell would have to be fairly common knowledge, for it to result in him having a reputation.  Except literally no demon Sam & Dean ran into between 11.21 and now taunted them with it?  Crowley, who was still alive and fucking King of Hell through season 12 never noticed and either told the Winchesters or tried to trade on it?  BULL and SHIT.  This is pretty close to the same scale of insult to continuity and the audience’s intelligence as these two fuckwits suddenly writing Lucifer as the older brother. 

Then in typical fashion, Sam & Dean discuss their plans to totes send Kevin to heaven in front of demon guy just so they can be told OH NOES!  He totally can't go to heaven!  So sad!  The poor widdle woobie!  Fuck off with this shit, show.  Not even to mention that they take the word of a demon as gospel truth when there is no time crunch or clear lack of better options.  It's all those many many hits to the head, I guess.  That I do actually find quite sad.  I mean, I don't actually want Kevin hanging around like a bad smell while they divert from actually important shit to try and get him to heaven where it makes no sense for him not to already be.  But at the end they don't even arrange some way to keep in touch just in case the fucking demon might be (gasp) lying?

Hey, I did actually like the exchange between Dean and Sam over Chuck poking his corresponding wound.  Oh, look, it's Sam's “I'm totally lying” face, followed by Dean's “I totally know you're lying but I'll let it go for now, Sam” face.  It was a great moment that required very little dialogue to work quite well.  It's such a shame nobody's making a show about these two characters!  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The absurdity keeps on coming, too.  In the whole two days they've been wasting time in Sunshine Daylightville they never discussed how long the spell would last?  Oh, right, they were too busy wandering into the ghost zone to shoot at 'em for shits and giggles to care about that, I guess.  Not to mention the whole “just cast it again!” is remarkably blasé about it requiring a 'fresher the better!' human heart.

More ghosts blathering at each other.  Yay.  This supposed Jack the Ripper guy is just always in the right place at the right time to hear all the gossip, knows every random thing he could possibly need to, and already has the power to intimidate and attack other ghosts. He's basically ghost!Asmodeus, who also steals AU!Michael's original idea of how to get through the barrier, because we really needed time spent discussing the world's most obvious plan.  Also, we've seen ghosts able to attack and absorb the power of other ghosts, but it was because they had already been doing it for a while.  This guy is just as fresh out of hell as everybody else, but he's more powerful and knowledgeable and totes threatening!!!  Well, I'm convinced and not on the verge of napping from boredom.

Naturally for reasons, Rowena goes into town entirely by herself without protection with their only real hope of containing the ghosts before the barrier breaks down instead of anybody insisting on her going with backup.  That's what anybody with a brain would do!  

Of course no one asks where Ketch has been the whole time.  Or even thinks of trying to test him after he was last seen literally knocked unconscious in the middle of ghost central where we know there are plenty of ghosts angry enough to be capable of possession.  Nope, why would anyone even think to do that?  Everything in this “plot” that happens requires all of the characters to be completely fucking stupid.

I'm going to assume by “you” Ketch meant “you Winchesters” because Mary wasn't there.  It probably didn't, because Bucklemming, but fuck it.  It's the least egregious stupidity in this episode that's a cornucopia of choices for the worst.

I … actually like the scenes with Chuck and Amara?  So, you know, that's something!  

Then the episode ends with the guys looking at all the ghosties still shooting up from hell and wring their hands about what they're going to do and maybe they should get on that!  Again, if Sam's flunkies aren't all dead, why aren't their worthless asses already researching this shit over the past two days?  It's not like it's new news that there was a big open hole to hell at the center of the problem and there was honestly nothing but wrangling some cranky civilians to interfere with trying to think ahead to that.

In summary, this episode is a constant showcase of the problems that result when you set incompetent morons who don't recognize their own inadequacy to write characters who are actually supposed to be intelligent experts at their work.  It's a joke – except not at all funny.

[deltaengineering]

Spring Anime 2019 Part 1: git gud

I was trying to wait until something really good came along. This ran into a problem. Yes this is a day behind but not because of... that.

Amazing Stranger

What: Otaku dipshit buys a figurine that turns out to be an alien robot girl from an anime.

❌❌ Otaku dipshit nonsense about perving on a figurine-sized robot girl. It’s bad, yo.

❌ Execution is as questionable as the content. I’ll give it a star for using 3DCG and 2D animation where they respectively make sense.

♎ Only ⅓ runtime so it ended before I could get mad.

Bokutachi wa Benkyou ga Dekinai

What: Overachiever gets conned into tutoring a bunch of girls with specialized talents and general uselessness. The twist is that they don’t look identical.

♎ Basic ass harem setup with little to distinguish itself. And if it’s not a real harem it’s just a lacklaughter comedy.

♎ Characters aren’t terrible but sort of just there. Their talents are also too cartoonish to take seriously but not outlandish enough to be funny.

♎ You guessed it, production is workmanlike/undistinguished as well.

❌ Didn’t I just watch this? In any case, this lacks Quintuplet’s trademark sass so it’s just painfully mediocre.

Fruits Basket

What: Poor but optimistic high school girl gets involved with a harem of supernatural critters.

♎ This seems incredibly derivative and unoriginal. Seems of course, because Fruits Basket is the OG so all the others ripped it off in the first place. Doesn’t change the fact that I’ve sampled and discarded dozens of otome harems exactly like this.

✅ The production is aware that they’re adapting a classic over here, so the production values are high. It looks nice.

✅ It’s directed quite competently as well, especially the comic bits have the right timing.

❌ I don’t like the characters much. Tohru is a little annoying and the boyz are a big nothing. That’s not good for a romantic comedy. Side characters fare much better but hey, side characters in a show like this don’t matter.

♎ I have no attachment to Fruits Basket so this will have to stand on its own. So far it looks watchable, but very middle of the road.

Hitoribocchi no Marumaru Seikatsu

What: Kiraralike about a class of middle school girls that are all named after their personality. The main character (Bocchi Hitori, natch) is lonely and made of social anxiety.

❌ Dealing with #relatable topics is always sketchy, but Bocchi talking to herself for the majority of the episode just gets really old no matter what.

✅ However, once she starts actually talking to other people it gets better. Slightly above average for a show like this, which means inoffensively cute and very mildly comedic.

♎ This is a Kiraralike where all the characters are named after their personality, so I wouldn’t expect any depth. Not that that’s unusual for the genre.

♎ I’ll probably give this 3 episodes because these shows live and die by the cast, which we haven’t seen much of so far. If Bocchi’s character development sticks and we get a few good support characters, it might be fun.

Joshikausei

What: the sound of one thigh slapping

❌ but

✅✅ though

Kimetsu no Yaiba / DEMON SLAYER

What: Edgy shounen about a dude whose family gets KILL BY DEMONS (no, he isn’t the demons (his sister is the demons)).

✅ Actually better than that sounds, it’s pretty serious with its approach to the whole revenge thing. The edginess is also only apparent on the margins, so tonally it’s more or less fine.

✅ The main guy isn’t terrible and his superpower (a superlative sense of smell) is fairly subdued for the genre. You could tell a story with this.

✅✅ This is ufotable and it looks REALLY good. ufotable shows are always very elaborate, but their aesthetics can be questionable. This, however, keeps the postprocessing to a minimum and uses CG only where appropriate. I’d say it rivals Emiya-san for the best looking thing they’ve ever done.

❌ The OP shows a bunch of supercool superdudes fighting like they're in a shounen anime, just in case you’re wondering.

❌❌ Three words: Weekly Shounen Jump. This is an instant death sentence for the long run, since it will be stretched until nobody cares anymore, then get swiftly killed - with some lipservice to closure, if you’re lucky.

❌❌ In case you’re willing to take your chances, WSJ is still a magazine for babies and imbeciles, so get ready for its “distinctive” writing style. Here it isn’t quite as bad as in Promised Neverland, but you’re still getting 100% wall-to-wall voiceover coverage explaining things that you either don’t need to know or are blindingly obvious. 

Kono Yo no Hate de Koi wo Utau Shoujo YU-NO

What: 90s eroge protagonist starts hopping dimensions to look for his dad or something.

❌❌ Those 90s eroge protagonists sure were hilarious, what with their lechery etc. Rest of the cast fills the genre template nicely as well, which is to say they suck.

❌ Doesn’t look outright terrible so far, but it already shows signs of slight jankiness that would lead me to suspect this is a candidate for a production collapse in the future.

❌ Story? Surely you jest. All that happens in the first episode is vague exposition and naked girls falling from the sky. I hear the game gets real good 100 hours in, btw.

❌ This isn’t just some 90s eroge, it is the 90s eroge. You know, before KEY came along and made them all respectable (ostensibly). In any case, YU-NO is regarded as some stone cold classic of epic feels. I have experience with those, and they usually are only great for as long as you can’t read them.

Midara na Ao-chan wa Benkyou ga Dekinai

What: High school girls hates men because her father happens to be one. Understandable, since he’s also a tiny dirty old man caricature from the 60s. Can love bloom on the ecchifield?

♎ This is mostly inoffensive...

❌ ...except when it isn’t, of course. Which isn’t that often but still too often.

❌ It would also be appreciated if it could be less offensive in those instances because hot damn.

❌ Even if it removed the main source of irritation it would still be nothing much. Something like Hitoribocchi or Benkyou ga Dekinai has at least some potential, this doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere.

❌❌ My man Kenjiro Tsuda is wasting his time on this goblin’s comedy voice.

Mix - Meisei Story

What: Some kids play baseball, very slowly. You’re supposed to care because you presumably cared about Touch (which Mix is a very far removed sequel to).

❌ I did not in fact care about Touch. Nor about baseball, for that matter.

❌ Seriously, the entire selling point for this is “Sequel. To. Touch.” It cares not for your indifference towards Touch and would rather you go away.

❌❌ The languid pace is a killer. I know baseball is a boring sport but Mix doesn’t even attempt to make it interesting. This could work as an iyashikei-type show but in that case it would need different hooks, such as characters whose personality goes beyond “good at THIS aspect of baseball”. Maybe they’ll get to that but with this pace it’ll take a few seasons.

✅ I think the 80s design with a few contemporary animation frills looks quite nice. They’re probably doing their job right over there.

Nobunaga-sensei no Osanazuma

What: One “Oda Nobunaga” is an otaku and somehow also a teacher. Girls looking for his better known ancestor approach him with marriage plans, and since they’re looking for a Sengoku warlord, they come with era appropriate sensibilities.

❌ Do not care much for anime about 14 year old time travellers falling onto some dork’s dick, sorry. Unless they’re real good. Which this isn’t.

❌ I suppose i should be thankful this isn’t an all-out ecchi show, but unlike the characters, “lmao they can’t fuck” gets old.

❌ Besides the obvious, this fails at pacing, comedy, heartwarming, production, etc. I’m getting tired of spelling it all out again, this season definitely has an overabundance of not-quite-terrible-but-subpar-in-every-way romantic comedies.

Senryuu Shoujo

What: Senryuu is poetry that’s pretty much a haiku, but not hella deep. A quiet weirdo girl and a delinquent type write some of those.

✅ This has low ambitions, but manages to meet them. It’s chill and cute and the characters are likeable.

✅ Half length, which is the correct runtime for something as slight as this.

♎ It’s cheap but not to the degree that it detracts from the experience.

✅ It’s the second coming of Go Go 575 and I’m all about that. Check it out!

ULTRAMAN

What: uLtRaMaN is an ultrasequel to UlTrAmAn in which Ultraman is now Ultradad and has to take care of his Ultrason.

♎ Decent looking by CG TV anime standards, though the amount of action is so low that it raises the question why it isn’t just live action, especially since it’s partially mocapped already. I would have expected more pizzazz, especially with Kenji Kamiyama AND Shinji Aramaki directing.

♎ Old man superhero has some charm, but the show suggests and Wikipedia confirms: He’s about to get his ass kicked and his much more standard progeny takes over. There goes your selling point.

♎ Apart from that, this appears to be a competent but not especially engaging sequel to Ultraman (i.e., it’s most definitely not SSSS.Gridman). I have no special affinity for Ultraman.

[tippitv]

Supernatural TippiTV Recap: 14-13 “Lebanon”

Okay before we get started. This is a long one and while I think it's pretty funny if I do say so myself, there's also a lot of me just... frickin ranting about John Winchester and rushed plots. If you loved this episode and don't want to see someone snarking about it, this might not be the recap for you.

On the other hand if you're like me and come from the TWoP tradition of snarking about the things we love most, then come on in!

THEN!

Two children talk about how their dad is on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a while.

Oh wait... holy crap it's Sam and Dean. It took a sec to recognize them without the gravelly voices and almost 14 years of soul-crushing despair.

We also get a reminder of very recent episodes, including the one where Mary learns about the time John threw young Dean's food away because it reminded him of her. It's important to remember what an abusive, hardened asshole John Winchester was... so that we can forget it! Forget it all!

[insert video of recapper letting out a Klingon scream]

NOW!

Sam and Dean mosey on into a pawn shop that I'm positive is in the US because they never leave the US but there's a sign that says the shop buys "jewellery" which is how they spell it in places that also spell "flavor" with a u. Dean flashes a big wad of cash to get the broker to show them "the good stuff."

By this, he means the magical goods, although the secret room looks like a high school drama department prop closet.

Dean says they're looking for the skull of a woman who was executed during the Salem witch trials. While the broker goes looking for it, Sam picks up a teddy bear from, you know, a shelf full of cursed and magical items because it's not as if stuffed animals have ever been dangerous. <cue ironic flashback>

Luckily he's warned away from it before he can unleash some kind of... Pooh demon... probably.

Anyway, it turns out having the skull proves that the broker killed a friend of theirs or something... Honestly, very little of this is going to have any bearing on anything. Long story short, fisticuffs ensue and Dean shoots the broker while he's expositing to Sam. "They always talk too much," Dean says.

Sam and Dean decide to take a bunch of magical items home with them. Although... what if they rightfully belong to other peop---ah screw it.

Okay now... here comes a long, boring subplot about teenagers back in Lebanon, Kansas. The main thing that's pertinent to the show is that Sam and Dean have a certain reputation around town. And no wonder! They park right in front these teenagers and start talking about shit they would never want anyone to hear.

They head into the world's skimpiest liquor store and the owner addresses them as "the Campbell brothers." Say whaaaat? Have they been using their mom's maiden name for a while and I just missed it? I mean, I guess it makes sense because... Actually, I don't remember how much stuff is still in their world about the infamous Winchesters. Like I legit can't remember if Charlie or someone erased their FBI/police records or if it was just some fanon someone told me about.

Also, nothing says "real liquor store" like shelves of bottles turned so that their name brands don't show.

Anyway, Sam stage-whispers to Dean about an ancient Chinese pearl that grants "what your heart desires."

The plan is to get Michael out of his head, but they notice someone is driving off with the Impala. They run out to confront one of the teenagers about it. He confesses that a girl named Max is the culprit, so that we can spend several minutes on this subplot instead of the much more emotional and important main plot.

I mean, we go from the post office to a pizza joint to an old house on the edge of town to catch up to the Impala. Max has apparently brought all that lethal “secret” stuff inside for a party. The camera lingers on that teddy bear again as if it's going to be important to the plot later.

Max, the car thief, has a crush on a girl and ISTG I was prepared to be mad if she died. Like I don't even want this whole subplot at all but I'd be puh-hissed if they had queer characters on just to kill one. Luckily I was wrong and neither of them die. However, the dialog is killing me. "I'm sooo excited for pizza." Tell me you can't imagine Lumpy Space Princess saying that.

Apparently the ghost of John Wayne Gacy (sigh) was waiting for the kids to go in search of pizza before oozing out of a cigar box the Winchesters brought from the pawn shop.

Why is his ghost dressed as a clown? I mean yes I know Gacy was a children's party clown, but it's not like he died in that outfit. Aren't ghosts supposed to be wearing what they died in? OH GOD WHY DO I CARE.

The Winchesters show up and scoot everyone out of the house, but not before at least one kid sees the ghost. Sam zeroes in on the cigar box and Dean points out how Sam's love of serial killers and hatred of clowns are in conflict.

Of course, some of the kids come back in just as the ghost goes up in flames. Sam and Dean decide to just... tell them the whole truth instead of just lying. Like..."Yo, one of the things you stole was secret holographic tech and you could face prison time if you talk about it." See? Easy peasy. Instead, they just trust the kids to never talk about ghosts being real and meeting actual ghost hunters.

I briefly wondered if this was some kind of back door pilot for teen hunters, but I haven't heard anything about that. Granted I didn't actually look that hard.

Once back at the bunker, Sam finds the magic pearl but it's kinda... chalky and medicinal looking. It looks like something Goop would sell to stick up your hoohaw.

Dean decides there's no time to wait because we've already spent too long on teenagers playing hooky. Like, even Sam doesn't really know how to use it. "I guess you just concentrate on what your heart desires," he says, scrunching his face uncertainly. I mean what if this had happened

The music swells dramatically. The lights flicker off dramatically. A shadowy figure approaches... dramatically. Fisticuffs ensue! It's a nice callback to Dean and Sam fighting in the dark in the pilot episode because ta da! It's actually John Winchester! Which we all knew because this was foretold in promotions.

The lights come up, showing... just a whole lot of things for me to process.

Now, at first, things don't seem that weird. We've seen people come back from the dead so many times, it's basically as surprising as buying socks at this point. Except! John isn't back from the dead at all! He's traveled through time! He eventually tells us he's from the year TWO THOUSAND AND THREE. TWO ZERO ZERO THREE.

He's both three years younger than the last time the bros saw him AND 13 years older, because for Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and all the rest of us mortals, time has marched on. Consequently, John Winchester looks like he got stuck in a wormhole for a good while.

Now, kudos to John for recognizing his sons, especially Sam, who looked a little something like this the last time they saw each other.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Palo Alto?" he asks Sam. "And also not a middle-aged man?" he doesn't ask, but I bet he was thinkin' it.

It's just... sigh. I might as well get it all out now. I get what they were going for here. It's the 300th episode and they wanted to have John show up. But because everything is so rushed, they just gloss over anything remotely realistic to the characters. John is all softness and awe the instant the lights go up, instead of bristling and suspicious. Why wouldn't he think it was a djinn or some other creature's doing? "Well we don't have time for him to be as flinty and wary as John would have been in 2003, because we need to get to the part where he spends quality time with his family!" YES EXACTLY. The show is three hundred episodes old now and it deserves more than this speedy treatment put together seemingly for the concomitant promotional opportunity.

Anyway they have a Sit-n-Chat to catch John up on what they've been doing, including the living situation there at the bunker which includes an angel and the son of Lucifer. Goodness only knows what John is picturing.

Now that I think about it, the brothers should be hella wary too. I mean, what if the pearl is cursed? What if John is actually some shambling interdimensional beast masquerading as John? What if the whole thing is just a hallucination brought on by nefarious moon herbs in Paltrow's pookie pearl? They just uncharacteristically seem to rely on the pawn broker's ledger.

Fine! Fine! I’ll drop it.

They talk about how they met John's dad via time travel, too, but don't mention that's why John never saw him again after childhood. They talk about the Men of Letters, finally killing old Yellow Eyes, saving the world... Then just when they're about to tell him that Mary's back from the dead, she actually shows up and starts calling to her sons. What a coincidence! John is pained.

It seems like they didn't tell her, either? Did they just tell her to come over for a surprise or did she just happen to be on her way there anyway? Anyway John and Mary start in on a smoochy reunion so Sam and Dean quietly leave the room.

Sam's like, "How'd this happen?" And Dean's like, "We spent too much time on the teenager subplot instead of looking into this potentially dangerous thing, is how!"

For some reason, John is perusing the library alone instead of... um... making up for lost time with his hot wife. Sam goes to talk to him and finds out Mary's off writing a shopping list for Dean so she can make that emotionally important casserole again. This leads John to admit he fucked up with his kids. Sam is reluctant to blame John because he's had almost 13 years to get over it.

I hate that everyone's acting their little hearts out and all I can think is how painfully contrived the episode is. Whatever problems I have with the writing and the premise, I don't have a problem with the job the actors are doing. Okay, okay, I'm really letting go of it this time.

John rubs Sam's shoulder and tearfully says, "Son, I am so sorry." The cellos of sadness play sadly. "I'm sorry, too," says Sam. "You did your best, Dad. You fought for us, you loved us... that's enough."

It's one thing to decide you're going to move past the shitty, shitty things someone did because you're in the midst of the enormity of what's going on RIGHT NOW. But it's another thing for the show to minimize the past. John did NOT do his best. For fuck's sake, he left a little boy in charge of an even littler boy! Dean knew his Dad was possessed because his REAL dad would never be proud of him! When Dean stole food to feed Sam, John abandoned him to face the consequences!

God damn it I guess I'm not going to let it go, after all!

Anyway, Sam and Dean head into town for groceries and time paradoxes. The liquor store owner no longer recognizes Dean, which is the surest sign that something is Very Wrong. Dean is flabbergasted. "It's me! Dean Campbell! I come in here like... always!"

As Sam heads back to the car, he sees a wanted poster for his bro. It's the old Blue Steel one except I think Sam used to be on it too? He's not anymore. He heads back to the car to tell Dean, but Dean's already been a-googlin' on his phone.

He plays back a video of Sam as a turtleneck-wearing lawyer espousing a raw food diet with plenty of kale. Good lord how much raw food does someone the size of Sam have to eat to fulfill his daily caloric needs?

They kind of hand-wave how these new versions of themselves exist at the same time as the OG versions. "Our timeline is changing to this new one!" Sam says. He says they need to put things back the way they were or they'll be stuck. It's nice of the timeline to work slowly enough that they can figure this out.

Somewhere nearby, the angel Zachariah appears. Castiel moseys up beside him and he's brought some old friends.

They decide to head into the nearest pizza place. The teenagers are there because not even a paradox will get rid of this subplot. "Can I help you?" asks the waitress. I think the usual question would be, "Can I get you a table for two?" but whatever. Zachariah asks her who's been messing with time. "We sensed a disturbance in the, well, let's call it the Force," he says. Naturally, she's very confused, and even more confused when he says they're from Heaven.

He says he'll have Castiel murder everyone if they don't tell him what's going on. To emphasize this, Castiel whips out his angel mojo.

Sam and Dean see the bright light from across the street and come running in. Sam's like, "Zachariah?!" and Dean's like, "Cas?!" and Cas is like, "Is that with one S or two, and also who are you?"

Zachariah exposits that Heaven had big plans for the Winchesters but then their dad suddenly disappeared in 2003. Why wouldn't the angels assume the disappearance and the time event are connected? Why'd they have to just start asking questions in a random pizzeria? Fisticuffs ensue!

Zachariah force-chokes Sam while asking him for an explanation. Why do villains always try to make people talk while they're choking? Pick one or the other! But this gives Sam a chance to surprise Zachariah with an angel blade in the heart. Oh, Zachariah. Destined to die by Winchester in every version.

Meanwhile, Dean and Castiel are still tussling even though I'm pretty sure Castiel could kill them both pretty quick. Sam joins in for a bit, but gets flung into a table. If there's a table around, someone's getting flung into it. Then he goes back to strangling Dean instead of finishing off Sam, giving Sam a chance to make one of those angel-vanquishing sigils with his own blood.

They go back home. Dean explains the whole paradox thing to John. If he doesn't return to 2003, Dean will live the same life but alone, Mary will never have come back to life, and Sam will devastate kale crops like a moose-sized locust.

John agrees to go back. "Me versus your mom, that's not even a choice." That's... a weird way to phrase that dilemma. At the same time, Sam is delivering the news to Mary. He says "the lore is pretty clear" that if they destroy the pearl, everything goes back the way it was. What lore? They knew jack squat about it before they used it. Mary has some questions.

John tells Dean he's proud of him and I slightly expect Dean to whip a gun out on him. "I never meant for this.... I guess I hoped that eventually you get yourself a normal life..a family..."

WHAT.

WHAAAAAT.

He did nothing to prepare them for a normal life! Leaving your kids in motel rooms, never letting them settle down in one school, issuing ultimatums when Sam wanted to go to college? Man, Dean should've been like, "Nah, that was your other son, Adam, who got to live a normal life... at least until a ghoul ate him and his body was used by an archangel." But Dean is nicer than me, I guess. "I have a family," he says.

They decide to eat dinner even though who knows when the timeline is going to snap into place permanently. Oh my God they even take the time to wash the dishes after. They have a nice chat and again, everyone's acting their little hearts out and I'm trying not to be distracted. Dean tells Sam he doesn't want to change the past. "I'm good with who I am. I'm good with who you are." Please let that stick with no reversions to self-loathing and I'll retroactively like this episode more.

They cut to this shot and for a second I thought it was Sam and Dean holding hands at the sink.

Of course it's John and Mary. Sad piano plays sadly. John's not going to remember anything, but the rest of them will. Oh man what if John got Mary pregnant during his visit. Sam and Dean were out shopping for a while. I wish I hadn't thought that, but now that I have, you all have to be witness to my horrible brain's meanderings.

John reiterates that he's proud of them. So this time Sam pulls a gun on him! No, he doesn't. They all hug and cry genuine tears before John goes back to holding hands with Mary. Sam reluctantly smashes the pearl to bits. Seems like Dean would have to be the one to smash it since he's the one who made the wish, but it works and John slowly fades out of the present.

Everything goes back to normal, including the teenagers remembering and loudly discussing the existence of monsters in public.

Castiel returns to the bunker in his newer, homelier coat and less erotically tousled hair. "What happened?" he asks. The response in my brain:

Back in 2003, John wakes up in the Impala to the sound of his flip phone ringing. Smart phones are great and all but man I miss the battery life of my flip. It's the Dean of the day calling to check on him. John, although he's not supposed to remember anything from the future, seems to have experienced it as some kind of dream. He seems nicer, too. This will probably have no bearing on the timeline, though... right?

I mean, is that 2019 casserole still in his stomach? Did the wine turn back into grapes? Probably not but these are the kinds of things I think about.

Sigh.

I feel the episode does a disservice to its main characters. I've already ranted more than enough so I'll just pick one example:

If Sam had gone on to live a normal life, he would've become a cold-hearted douchebag who tells people that hobbies and families are a waste of time. Like, ha ha yes it's amusing that Sam is the leaf-munching Steve Jobs of law, but what's the meaning here? Are we saying that wanting to get an education for himself means he's a selfish asshole? Like this is the alternative to the codependent relationship with Dean that formed because of their father? Argh.

The John apologia is just so clunky and unnecessary. John could've said, "I should've done more than teach you to hunt monsters... prepared you for a normal life so you could have a family." Then Dean ccould say, "Being able to kill monsters kept us alive long enough so that we figured out things for ourselves. And we do have a family." Bam! It lets John be rueful without rewriting the past or having Dean swallow all the years of hurt and it even acknowledges that knowing how to hunt isn't a bad thing.

Thank you for sticking with the recap to the end! I do still intend to recap past episodes but things have been kind of stressful. Just staying afloat has been a chore some days.

For updates and info you can check here: https://www.gofundme.com/winter-rent-and-dog-care

I also have a virtual tip jar of sorts here: https://www.paypal.me/tippiblevins

[fae-fucker]

Zenith: Chapter 29-32

I realize leaving y’all hanging for a whole year like that in the snark, where our beloved heroes Andi and Dex had just been shot in their empty little heads, was very cruel of me. You guys must’ve been just DYING to know what happened.

Quick recap: Andi & Co are space pirates. They are captured by Andi’s ex Dex and the father of Andi’s childhood friend, whom she “murdered” by landing a ship bad. He asks her to get his son, who is in a dank dark prison. Andi does the thing with the help of Dex and her ragtag bunch of generic archetypes. 

We good?

Let’s go.

Chapter 29

We interrupt the 100% totally real threat of Andi and Dex being shot to death to have another boring-ass moment with Nor. She walks around in an underground lab feeling sorry for herself and thinking about how tragic her backstory is. We’re introduced to a two-headed scientist who could’ve been interesting in the hands of actually talented authors, but who doesn’t appear in the book after this point so she’s wasted. For some reason she’s also referred to as one person when the heads are clearly different individuals? Irl when there are two heads sharing one body the heads are different people with different names. You know, because the person is stored in the brain? Idk why Shinsay did this.

“Slowly, you dolt!” the right head screeched to the left. 

The left head huffed in annoyance. “I’m merely trying to give our queen a glimpse of her new toy.” 

“It’s a wonder I’ve been able to put up with you all these years,” the right head retorted. 

“You haven’t a choice, my dear,” the left said back.

I think this is supposed to be funny, but all I can think if is how everyone’s dialogue sounds exactly the same. 

We find out that this is where Nor’s people are developing the titular Zenith (except it’s not named yet, spoilers), and Nor wants to know if they’ve made any progress.

The two-headed scientist, Aclisia, says that the weapon is ready and that they only need a test subject. Did they develop this mind-altering thing without any previous test subjects? I mean I guess it makes sense that they’d need somebody unaffected by previous versions to test out the final product, but like ... Did the previous subjects die? That doesn’t bode well. 

Anyway, the test subject they have is one of the guards on Lunamere, where Andi and Dex were in the previous chapters. Nor is displeased that the guard “let them go,” and I want you to remember this line:

“You had one of the Unified System’s most wanted fugitives in my prison. And instead of keeping her there, where she could have been persuaded to join the right side of the galaxy...you lost her. [...]”

File that away for future reference, my pretties. 

Anyway, we end the chapter without even finding out what the drug does, because Shinsay love breaking their own pace and suspense because they have to rely on cliffhangers to keep people reading. 

Chapter 30

Oh Christ oh God it’s our girl Klaren again. It’s year twenty-four and despite five years passing this woman is still all about how she’s destined to die and everything in her life is crap, which, idk, mood I guess?

Xen Ptera is losing the war and Klaren is sick because of all the poison air or whatever. The king wants her to hide because enemy troops are closing in, and Klaren takes another moment to think about how she wasn’t supposed to fall in love and yadda yadda. 

Who’s ready for another Smaasism?

She wished she could go back. She wished she could change that passionate night they had shared, the careless days after and the tonic she’d forgotten to take...

tOnIC

You’d think in advanced space times they’d have more reliable birth control. 

Also ... wouldn’t the king expect an heir anyway? Like, we’ve seen that even the title of “general” is inherited in this shitfest of a universe, so wouldn’t he eventually catch on and insist on having a kid? Or if she claimed she couldn’t produce one, surely there would be tech to get around that? Idk. For all the future-sight this bitch had, she sure didn’t have any common sense. 

Klaren tells the king to take Nor and fuck off, and Darai says something about how she’s the strongest Yielded and how she must fulfill her duty. 

Which apparently includes going into the battlefield, which is conveniently right outside the palace, and mind-control General Cortas into wanting to fuck her so bad he forgot she was his enemy. 

Her husband was wrong. 

Hope was not dead. 

Hope, in the form of the queen’s sacrifice, had only just flickered to life.

This is framed as tragic and beautiful but she is about to mind-rape a man for years soooo get ready for some extremely uncomfortable shit.

Chapter 31

We’re back in Andi’s POV, except it’s still a fucking flashback. This time it’s to when Andi was still Kalee’s Spectre and lived with Valen and the other dingdongs. And then we get actually good writing?

During meals, when Andi and the other Spectres stood guard, she’d watch him curiously. Valen usually sat in the farthest seat from his father, hunched forward as if he were battling some deep, silent pain. Sometimes she’d catch him staring at her with his strange, unblinking hazel eyes, his paint-stained fingers gripping his golden fork like a weapon he didn’t want to use.

Like I’m into this. It’s showing and not telling, mysterious and intriguing without being on the nose, and for once Andi doesn’t have all the cards and knows what Valen is inside and out, so his character doesn’t become obvious. Like, he’s battling some pain, but he’s also reluctant to use a weapon? That could mean anything! In a good way!

This good chunk is also immediately ruined by the following descriptions, which point out that indeed, all the other kids talk about Valen and how WEEEEYOOORDDD he is, and how he’s constantly covered in paint, because that’s what artists look like, I guess. Catch me bodyslamming a freshly painted park bench to prove I know color theory.

We’re also told that Valen never got a personal Spectre for spooooooky reasons. He just doesn’t feel like a proper part of the family, ya know? I wonder that it all could meeeeaaaaaan. 

This is all told to us just so we can revisit the part where Valen tries to stop Andi and Kalee from going on a joyride. Kalee insults him for a bit, and then Valen drops some more foreshadowy dialogue about how he hopes this birthday is everything Kalee wants it to be. 

Subtle. 

Chapter 32

OH MY GOD WE’RE IN LIRA’S POV NOW. YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE SHINSAY, WE KNOW YOU WOULDN’T MURDER YOUR PRECIOUS CELAENA AND RHYSAND RIPOFFS IN CHAPTER 29 WHEN THERE’S A BILLION MORE CHAPTERS LEFT.

Lira has been literally counting seconds since they left Andi. 

Yeah.

She recaps everything that happened three chapters ago, saying they executed their secret plan with the “ultimate amount of finesse” before noting that despite obeying Andi’s direct orders to run, she feels like a traitor. 

Your captain is in chains, a voice whispered in the back of her mind. You should be by her side. Instead, you’re running. 

All you ever do is run.

I have literally no idea how this is even a little bit relevant considering that they’re waiting for Andi and Dex to return and aren’t moving anywhere. By the way, Andi and Dex are thirty minutes late. Which freaks Lira out because THAT WASN’T IN THE PLAN. 

Her scales start freaking out and she’s about to overheat. Holy shit, how are you still alive? 

Honestly, this is a pretty accurate depiction of someone with an anxiety disorder, but I think we’re supposed to think Lira is emotional or analytical or loyal or whatever. I doubt Shinsay have the finesse required to write something like this on purpose, so this just reads as incompetence. 

Apparently Andi said that if they’re late, the girls are supposed to flee and save themselves, and Lira is starting to get antsy. 

Ok so ... just moments ago you were worried about how you’re always running away. So why is your first instinct when your beloved captain is THIRTY MINUTES LATE to book it? Like. Calm the fuck down. Thirty fucking minutes, in space? Can you chill??? 

Lira whines more about how this is the second time this week that she’s second-in-command and she hates it. Hey why not give that responsibility to Breck, who’s always calming everyone down? Would that make too much sense? 

Lira goes to her room to mope and angst about how she likes being alone. It’s riveting. She thinks about how this crew is her SOUL and how much she LOVES them. Which we can see by her sitting alone in her room thinking about how much she loves them, obviously.

She continues to angst about how her dad died of Space Plague, and her mom became a drunk because ... Idk, that’s what moms do in books like these. But lo, she and her brother got taken in by their Cool Aunt, who then wanted them to Do Things when they grew up, and Lira doesn’t want to Do Things, she wants to fly around and Crime. 

So she left her home planet because her Cool Aunt wanted her to Do Too Much Stuff, and the weight of her expectations crushed Lira, who must soar the skies like the beautiful bald blue bird she is. 

The other girls interrupt this godawful exposition dump by inviting Lira to play some Not!Pokémon. And we get this exchange, which I included in my review, and yes, it’s real:

“Hope is a raging asshole,” Gilly said. 

“Explain to me, Gilly,” Breck said with a sigh, “how exactly can an asshole rage?”

Lira choked on a sudden, unexpected laugh. “I swear, the two of you. You were both born with my brother’s sarcastic soul.”

This bloated and repetitive nonsense that apparently passes for character development is interrupted by Alfie, who’s gotten out of the waste bay. We’re reminded that this ship doesn’t have any mechanics, because of course, and Alfie makes a reference about how the ship’s AI’s voice is turning him on. 

It appears Lira has gotten a message from Soy to come and get Andi and Dex.

*sigh*

[sabbathism]

People don’t like season 2, and here’s what they have to say :

tl;dr: I answer the web’s most vehement complaints about season 2 of American Gods. If you happen to recognize yourself in one of those, then I suggest thinking about it really really hard and, perhaps, giving the show another chance. If you recognize yourself in several of those, please drop the show. It’s not worth wasting your time and especially not ours. (I put a list of helpful cast and production related facts at the end.)

Hi, Nelle here, I’m but a humble fan who wishes to have fun seeing gods bicker and argue among mortals, complete with the craziest of situations, stellar cast and great visuals. And yet I can’t help but hear things when I start browsing this hellsite in quest of juicy fanworks.

Although I’m no Joan Of Arc, I hear voices from above and here’s what I have to shout back (lest I get burned at the stake)  :

“The pacing is all over the place ! It’s too slow !”

Is it tho ? Pacing has been “all over the place” (really meaning: different from what we avid show-viewers are accustomed to) since season 1, we’ve never gotten straight answers out of anything unless we started listening and paying attention to details. 

The book (you know, the source material) has four parts, the fourth serving as an epilogue to the whole story, season 2 is most definitely meant to close part 1 which, allegedly, had the slowest of pace to begin with. And it doesn’t even have half the new narratives the show has been creating. So no, it’s not slow. I promise you things are happening.

“It needs to follow the actual book more !!”

What’s a good adaptation ? Is it something that is 100% truthful to the source, down to every word ? Is it something that should offer something for people who don’t know the source ? Or, on the contrary, be something inseparable from it ?

American Gods as a TV show offers new things for people who have read the book and for those who haven’t, while keeping the beloved moments and aspects from the original material.

Why add or change stuff ? Well because, if you’re a book reader, you get welcomed into the state of existential dread that comes with not knowing what happen next, I promise it’s part of the fun. But also because author Neil Gaiman believes that he can do more, do better, with something that was written 20 years ago and needed the changes in a lot of places. He’s aware that he has, in fact, a show to make, and not a carbon copy of the book, as well as a fanbase that deserves to be challenged and entertained.

“Why taking the focus off Shadow ? He’s barely the protagonist anymore !”

Because there are..... characters ? who are also part of the story ? Like, actual stories need characters ? But alright, I know it can get confusing when you have a lot of those, here’s how you can still tell Shadow is the protagonist : months of advertising and the entirety of season 1 which was spent following Shadow with only minor breaks allowing other characters to breathe. Trust me they need the development too, or then we’ll really have reasons to complain.

You want a narrative focusing solely on staying in Shadow’s head ? Alright. Try the book. But here’s my take on its narrating choice, as a graduate in english literature : it’s boring. To the point where Neil Gaiman himself got sad that he couldn’t follow other characters.

“They’re not giving the POCs enough space ! Where are the coming to america segments ? At least they gave actual insights.”

Out of every piece of fiction, I truly don’t think you want to get angry at American Gods for how much room it’s giving POCs... (a 20% white cast ensemble, POCs and especially WOCs writers and directors on production, ethnically accurate casting and writing, diversity positive messages, etc) Really I’m sure there are many other places in the fictional industry were the question of diversity is more than legitimate. American Gods has yet to be one of them, by far.

As for the Coming To America stuff, well, there’s not that many in the book to begin with. There are a whole bunch for sure, but we’ve got over quite a few of them in season 1. If there’s more believers you want, we’re served with the latest episode 4, with humans worshiping both Old and New, and interacting with gods. I’m sure we can review that point again once the season is over.

“Those white directors don’t even know how to read or write POC characters !”

*cough*

here’s a list of the POC directors and writers on episodes 2 to 5 of season 2 only :

Deborah Chow (director)

Aditi Kapil (writer)

Salli Richardson (director)

Rodney Barnes (writer)

Orlando Jones (writer)

That’s half the entire director-writer team for these episodes, with Neil Gaiman being involved. You’ll have to point out to me exactly what you mean by “not writing right”.

“New Media ? 1. she’s a bitch, 2. her actress is just plain bad, 3. she’s a hurtful stereotype.” 

And here comes perhaps the trickiest one of all... I’m gonna have to bear with you, as much as you’re gonna have to bear with me :

1. Yes. 2. No. 3. Yes, and it’s a problem, but not for the reasons you think.

First of all, and let’s get it out of the way : actor =/= character nor writing. You think the writing is bad and/or that the character is annoying ? Well, it’s certainly not on the actor. You wanna know the actual level of Kahyun Kim’s acting ? Starring in an Alan Cummings play alongside him. We’ve got a lot to discuss but please keep her out of this.

Second, New Media is an absolute bitch of a character. She’s mocking, manipulative, and too ambitious for anyone’s good. A lot of people seem to love her tho and to that I say good ??? I mean, great if you like her, because she’s got as much potential as the rest of these crazy characters, I’m not here to tell you who you should hate and who you should love.

But there’s a problem you shouldn’t ignore, and that its so far she’s not well written. It’s a terrible thing to say in such a show but she’s really not : because we barely see her talking, because we barely got any scene with her (remember what I said about letting character breathe ?), and because what we’ve seen of her so far is the stereotype of the hypersexualized naive asian girl. Complete with tentacle porn scene. (Whether you felt weirded out, amused or utterly disgusted by this is your own valid opinion.)

The character has been officially described as “the goddess of global content”, “a cyberspace chameleon” and “a master of manipulation.” In recent addition to that, actor Bruce Langley (Technical Boy) has said : “New Media’s willing to be perceived as naive because if she’s being underestimated, when she does make her move, you’d never see it coming, but she knows way more than she lets on.” He then goes on to compare her to Gillian Anderson’s Media.

This proves that the way New Media comes off isn’t a problem of intent (the naive part is calculated and they want the character to be duplicitous, falsely seductive), but of handling, and it’s just as bad. Sure, Gillian’s Media also knew more than she let on for about as much screen time -I’m sure New Media will get to her four scenes in one season-, but she had been grounded in the narrative as her own character, she’s had her exposition speech and time. (See her meeting with Shadow in S01E02) We’ve yet to see that much of Kahyun’s New Media.

Because they do not give her what she needs to be more than a two dimensional character, we find ourselves with a shallow character who doesn’t give too many signs of the thought process everyone seemed to have put into crafting her beforehand, including Kahyun’s acting. This is a serious issue that needs to be handled before the season ends, or she will just stand out like a nasty spot in an overall incredible piece of fiction. Hell even Laura (another very unlikable character) manages to be a great addition to the narrative. Come on people.

You can of course argue that they could have gone for another type or personality for her, other than naive and sex-oriented, for a korean actress to play. You’re right, there’s a lot of aspect of social media that could have been put to work, but not only are we gonna need more than two scenes (at least the tentacles aren’t a regular occurrence so far), but it’s just like they could have not made the Technical Boy hang Shadow. 

The New Gods appear as the ‘general bad idea’ we promote through and associate with their element. Mr. World is gonna be the creepy looking government dude, Tech is gonna be the lanky rude geek, they’re gonna be cold, insensitive and selfish. They’re gonna be the things we don’t like. Throughout season 1, Tech Boy was in the same place we find ourselves in with New Media : he was the loud white racist teenager hating on anon on the net, he was unlikable from start to finish, and it’s only once we got inputs from his actor, the writers, and then now that they’re showing more of his story and personality well after season 1 that we see him as the fully complex and interesting character he is.

Let’s all keep our wits about us, not engulf ourselves in blind hate or love, and encourage the writers to prove us all that this character is worth the while like her actress says.

(I still won’t forgive the bitch, but at least she won’t stick out like a sore thumb.)

(if you want Kahyun’s input on her character and experience, here’s a lengthy interview)

"They don't even know how to write their own character, period !"

By all means, tell me your basis of characterization to declare that characters who didn’t even have enough screentime to have much substance in season 1 (except Shadow, but strangely no one complains about him) aren’t written right when their creator is literally hovering over the writers and actors shoulders, because he wants them to be developed and written right.

It’s not Harry Potter, Neil isn’t making up facts about them to make himself look better, maybe accept that the vision you had in your mind wasn’t entirely accurate to the truth of the characters and that’s okay ? You can still write them yourself however you want, tell the stories you want to tell, Neil has made it very clear that he doesn’t consider fan ideas less valuable than his.

“Bryan has such as specific, unique vision ! They’re just trying to copy it and they’re failing.”

Definitely. No really, you’re right, I’m a big fan of Bryan’s work, I lost my mind like everyone else when he said he wasn’t giving up on Hannibal season 4.

But you know who else has a unique vision ? The seven directors who took over (four of those are women) and the show-runner who had already worked with him beforehand. They’re not trying to copy his style, they’re trying to make a smooth transition so fans like you don’t have a hard time mourning the terrible loss of Bryan and Michael. And for every person who noticed the changes, there were just as many who haven’t even paid attention to it.

Concept : some people may watch shows/movies for the story and the characters, not just for who’s behind the camera. (As far as I’m concerned, I actually like the image better. Everything was killer in season 1, and I think it’s even nicer in season 2.)

“Bryan gave us Salim and the Jinn, and now they’re just gonna be cast aside because those directors lack the LGBT+ sensibility Bryan has !”

Alright, yup, sure. As a member of the community myself, I totally recognize that someone who’s also part of it will know firsthand of the subtleties and details to give the best representation possible on screen. The example of Salim and the Jinn is perfectly fine, since the entire segment was indeed beautifully made. But if we cannot allow people from outside to ponder and think about our lives through writing (which is probably the best way for them to start understanding and broadening their mindset), how can we expect wide representation to improve in any meaningful way ? Especially considering that the show has been casting LGBT+ actors, in an environment where the cast is listened to and solicited on their opinions. 

And especially when Bryan was not the one who gave you Salim and the Jinn. (Because I’ve seen people genuinely believe it.) Neil Gaiman did. He wrote a gay muslim couple in his book 20 years ago, way before it was considered a political statement. He’s also the one who gave strict and specific directions as to how these very characters should be handled. Because if he expanded Salim and his fire boyfriend Jinn’s story from a one-shot to a full story integrated into his entire narration, then it’s certainly not to pull a “bury your gays” or make them miserable. No need to be LGBT+ to be a decent writer and human being.

“Production was a mess anyway, I knew it’d turn out like this. It sucks without Bryan.” 

Define “mess”. Because all the incendiary reports we got throughout early production had been utter bullshit.

Showrunners being “fired” ? Bullshit. “Disastrous” organization ? Bullshit. “Screaming matches” between directors and actors ? Bullshit. Actors “refusing” to come back ? Bullshit.

Every report that wasn’t made through direct input of the cast or production team was not only wildly exaggerated, but also fake ? But please, hear it from Neil himself :

It was weirder for me to read some of the stuff online that said, “Oh, my god, American Gods, behind the scenes, is all falling apart.” I was going, “But they just shot four episodes, and everything is fine. They’re doing some re-shoots, but they’re doing less re-shoots than they did in Season 1.” [...]

I was reading Steven Bochco’s biography on the tube, going into work on Good Omens, every morning, and learning about what went down on Hill Street Blues, and then on NYPD Blue. That was worse, by a factor of thousands, than anything that happened on American Gods. A showrunner came, and a showrunner left. That’s not even an unusual thing. [...] The weirdest thing for me was putting out a thing on Twitter on Season 2, and having a bunch of people go, “We thought this was canceled.” No, it’s not canceled. In its own mad way, it’s on schedule.  

(Source)

The show was never in any danger, much less in jeopardy. It's overreactions to false rumors and dramatic assumptions that can kill a show faster than a showrunner leaving. You want to be critical of a production ? Go ahead, and check your sources and facts. Please. I promise most of the time it’s not worth the worry, much less losing all hope.

“Bryan cared, they’re just ruining what he’s built.”

I dare you to watch any cast interview and tell me these people don’t care about the show, and that they do not value the work everyone else (from hair department to makeup artists, producers, writers, directors and costume team) puts into it as well.

I’ve watched my fair share of shows, I’m curious about production and behind-the-scenes material in general, and I’ve never seen a group of people being so genuinely happy and passionate about what they do and create together.

Neil took time out of preparing Good Omens (which he was showrunning himself) to be more active because he knew things would be different between season 1 and 2. Ricky Whittle (Shadow) had his contract reviewed to better accommodate shooting and planning. Orlando Jones (Nancy) contributed to writing episodes (especially regarding Black history and representation) and brought inputs on characterization. Ian Mcshane (Mr. Wednesday) participated in directing when he explicitly said during season 1 that he wasn’t interested in working as a director on this kind of show.

And that’s for the well-known names only. Go on the American Gods hashtag on instagram, you’ll find all the various artists who participated in crafting all the details found in new episodes. They’re out there talking about how excited they were to work on it all, how they did it, the love they have for the show and crew. They’re active and positive in every way you can be, please tell me how much they don’t care.

Production made the choice of taking its time making this season rather than rushing it when it’s been very clear that delaying can cause massive loss of viewers, because they care more about how the show comes out than what people actually think. They took in stride whatever problem a show of this magnitude could naturally encounter (again guys, no disaster happened) and worked to solve it the best way they could because they were perfectly aware that we fans care. And somehow that’s what made some of yall disappointed ??

If you seriously think Bryan (and Michael, some people forget about him smh) cared more about American Gods than these people -when he, in fact, cared just as much-, then by all means, leave right with him.

(Also uhm, idk if you noticed, but they’re both still credited in the fucking opening. Because, you know, they’re going by the bases they’ve settled.)

Some (hopefully) helpful facts :

+ Bryan and Michael weren’t fired, they walked out of the show after mutual understanding with the rest of the production that they weren’t agreeing on budget and realization. They concluded that pushing it would just be harmful to the show.

+ Likewise, Jesse Alexander (second showrunner) wasn’t evicted but stepped out once disagreements rose as to how to handle the end of the season. Again, they found a solution fairly quickly.

+ Gillian Anderson had only signed for season 1. Whether her character will ever be seen again (probably in flashbacks) is entirely up in the air. No promises, no impossibilities.

+ Both Kristin Chenoweth (Ostara) and Chris Obi (Anubis) have not been able to contribute to season 2 due to conflicts in their schedules.

+ Neil Gaiman has been much more involved in the production of season 2 as he had finished shooting Good Omens, something which took up most of his time when season 1 was produced.

+ Taking time producing a show =/= production being a disaster.

+ Always go for the reports/articles involving interviews and/or inputs of the persons actually working on the project (cast members, producers, writers, directors). Those are the most reliable sources you can fight. (Just remember that there’s always a possibility for fake news/drama online !)

[dlamp-dictator]

Allen Rambles About Writing

So as I’m getting back into writing I’m starting to feel the same kind of anxiety that I felt when I started taking my drawing and art a little more serious. Back then I made a Rambling discussing how I felt about the situation, making a message to future Allen to not worry about how your drawings look when you feel down about your progress and starting to compare yourself to others. 

And looking back, I’m surprise how well I know myself since every time I thought up a counter point I was instantly shot down by the bluntness of 2018-Allen’s demands of not taking my hobby as a seriously as an actual job. 

But back on topic, I wanted to do a sort of Rambling like that again, this time focusing on writing. Though honestly, a lot of that stuff I wrote in that original post on drawing can be applied here. However, there are a few points I could add to that, so... here we are. 

But to get right to the point...

Points that Remain the Same

Just a quick rehash of the points I made in the art Rambling that still hold water:

Much like drawing, writing as a hobby, not a profession. You can fail, fumble, and fall all you like and it will not effect my daily life.

If any criticism you recieve feels pretenious and self-gratifying then it probably is. Best to remove them from your mind entirely as their points aren’t for your sake, but their own.

Again, you are not writing for money, so no need to worry about screwing people over finacially. Then only thing their wasting is their time, and their time is theirs to do with as they please.

And with that out of the way, here’s a few new things I want to say.

Your Stuff Probably Isn’t Great

This isn’t to say you should be pessimistic, but you need to understand you’re not making the next bestseller or the deepest of stories exploring the human condition. You’re just writing out what you think might be a cool story. 

For example, right now my stories consist of two fanfics and two original stories. On the fanfic side you have a tsundere aikido girl fighting a bunch of wacky characters that includes a female shounen karate fighter, a taekwondo fighter with an impoverished dojo, and goddamn Rulue from the Puyo Puyo series. The second fanfic includes a tomboy cannibal pretending to be Batman and fighting... basically anyone I think from obscure video games and lesser known/discussed manga. 

In terms of my original stories we have a story about kung fu girls being stuck in the delinquent dorm of their kung fu school forced to fight bullies, gangsters, yakuza hieresses, cultists, and evil priestesses... also yes all these things happen at school. And the second original story is about a forest ninja and her ragtag group of warriors that consist of a Black sukeban, a genderbent Goro Majima, a shy archer girl, and the main character’s sister who is a ballet dancer. 

None of these stories are exactly high art. But that’s okay, not much is. 

And this seems to be a nice segue into talking about...

The Bell Curve

This is the Bell Curve. The Bell Curve is a type of distribution method that shows the likely probability of most variables in a given equation, statistic and general data distribution. This is usually used to determine a fair average among any given amount of data to see what the majority of information lies on any give graph or form of measurement.

Okay, that was a lot of mathematic terms, and unlike my friend Infall I majored in the Humanities, not Mathetics, so I’ll stop there. 

But the point is, this graphic shows where the majority of... things will land. Most... things that make up the average of whatever... thing you’re looking at will be in the center where the curve is. Anything on the ends are the highest and lowest points of data. 

In short, most things in existence are average and will be average, middling, and ordinary. That how averages work. This is what most media and statistics falls into. Very few things created are truly bad, just below average at worse. Most things are, in fact, average. If everything was extraordinary, then there would just be a new scale to maintain some form of equalibrium. 

Hence why the Bell Curve is used in the first place.

I say this not to discourage anyone wanting to write the best story ever, but to just let you know that even if you don’t hit your target goal, if you land within the middle of this curve things show be okay. 

Again, you’re not doing this for payment or as a job, you’re doing this for fun. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t shoot for the moon, but to understand that at worst, you’ll be below average. 

And that’s okay. 

Not everything created can be great, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good. Not everything needs to strike gold when silver is still valuable. If you get hung up on being the best, you’ll never achieve good. I’ve got a bad habit of trying to make a chapter of a story absolutely perfect before posting, and all that does is make it take a month to post when it could had taken two weeks. Sometimes I honestly need the extra time due to working two jobs, but it’s rarely needed. 

And honestly, for those that say the worse thing something could be is average, I’d like to remind your that 60%-70% if any media is average. To throw out that average and only focusing on the best and worse... I pity you.

But moving on.

General Writing Advice

In all seriousness though, there are a few things to keep in mind when writing. I’m going to be serious for a moment and give a few bits of advice and things I keep in mind when writing:

Worldbuilding is a double-edged sword. It can be cool to explore and explain how certain things in your world work, but it also means you have to adhear to every text dump of exposition you mention. Try to only exposite things that are really important for the audience to know and keeps notes on the side for you to follow as you write it out your story.

Your audience isn’t as plothole-searching as you think, nor are they as thorough when reading something out of enjoyment as you were when you’re tightening up your narrative. Don’t worry too much about detail unless your doing some mystery/intrique plot. Most people just want to read a story that interests them, so just relax and writing something fun and entertaining to you.

On that note, the human imagination is a lot more powerful than you think. You don’t have to go into extreme detail about everything. Your audience can fill in a lot more of the blanks than you think, and what they think up might be more interesting than that 3-paragraph description on your main character’s height, weight, eye-color, and each individual freckle.

Again, relax you’re likely writing as a hobby, not to pay the bills. Just write what feels right and everything else will fall into place.

Oh, and big piece of advice before I close this little motivational writing post.

Shut the Fuck Up

Seriously. If there’s one piece of writing advice you should keep in mind, it’s to not Ramble. Ironic coming from me, but keeping prose and descriptions to a minimum helps a lot more than you think. I’ve said this several times on my RP blogs and I’ll say it here:

More Words =/= Better. More Words = More Words.

 And just prattling on about a character’s backstory or exposition is boring. Be sure to keep that in mind as you write. Try not to go on for too long about a description without very reason.

Anyway, that’ll be it for this Rambling. Sadly, TW3K crashed on me today in the late game, so I guess Total War Tuesday will... be back on Tuesday.

In any case, see you later folks!

[ginnyzero]

The Importance of Being Organized (for me.)

I am a note taker. This started in high school and continued through college. I was the one known for having the notes. If someone was missing something, I probably had it. This is also true of my writing. I mentioned in my post about my writing process that it involves a lot of note taking. I get a lot of ideas all at once and so I write them down. This serves the purpose later I can focus on writing rather than stumbling about wondering where I was going with the story and bemoaning the loss of funny dialogue. The more notes I write however, it seems like there is this law of entropy, meaning the messier things get. And after a while messy grates on me. I can only let mess go so long before I have this horrible urge to wash something!

Or in this case start cleaning up the notes and copy and pasting into new files and breaking things down on what happens when and, oh God where did I put those notes on the characters! Eep! But it is important for me to clean my notes up and put them into different files so that later when I need to know something, I can find it without too much digging.

Notes are especially important if you are writing something longer. Say, more than a book. If you’re only writing one book in that universe, then you won’t need as many notes as say, a person who is writing a series of two or more books. If you’re writing a series it is twice as important to be organized than someone who isn’t. I want to say by the fifth to seventh book of a series, if not sooner, I can tell if a writer had an idea for the entire series in advance or if they are writing without a clear end goal in mind. Sometimes writers have clear end goals in mind and don’t have the middle portion figured out enough to make the end goal make sense when they are done. So, they write their series and by the time their done their original ending no longer makes sense, but they use that ending anyways.

This is a good way to anger the readers. You don’t want angry readers. They might not want to read anything else by you because you’ve disappointed them.

So, as I’ve said, the very first very good reason to be organized is so you don’t forget anything.

Look, not everyone has the time or the willpower to write ten thousand words a day which means fifty thousand words a week and that is a small novel. That takes a lot of fortitude and really, sounds exhausting. No matter what your writing level or skill, it takes time to write something. And with time comes this terrible thing called long term and short term memory. Things pass out of our heads and since no one has cracked the hippocampus like in Meet the Robinsons, we are forgetful people! Even if you are writing fifty thousand words a week, somewhere in the blur of words it is easy to forget a key scene or an important detail. Notes are your friends!

The next best reason to be organized is to have a roadmap of where you are and where you are going. Now, I understand that there are writers who cannot literally write this way. They have characters and some sort of vague idea of a plot and they write and write and write and hopefully at the end of whatever they are doing they end up with a story at the end of it. When I try to do this, I end up with a plotless mess and a story that never ends up going anywhere. It tends to be boring. If I’m organized, I know where the character is now, where I want them to be and hopefully, how I’m going to get them there. (Or at least some cool core ideas for stories that will test their patience and skills.) Otherwise I feel like I’m floundering around in the dark with my hands in front of me hoping that I bump into something that tells me where I am!

The roadmap isn’t set in stone. But it does exist enough so that hopefully where I end up still remains logical and hopefully, I’m not set on my ending idea, that if the road map changes, I can let it go for something that makes sense. Really, the roadmap is there to keep me from deviating too far from what I’m doing and throwing something really strange into the mix.

Stories can change over time. What you feel is right when you first come up with the idea, may change by the time you’re on the second or third draft of the idea. Notes give you a sense of history. This is where you were at the time and this is where you are now. Notes allow you to see clearly what has changed and at times whether or not that change is for the better.

Between drafts and over time, as the ideas and the story changes, there will be scenes and ideas and plots that you toss because it just doesn’t fit with the concept anymore. It happens. But the great thing is if you have notes about those ideas, they might fit a new concept better or become a story of their own. Maybe the discarded idea will take a life of its own and create a whole bunch of new stories to play with. Drat those squeaky toys of doom! They keep breeding!

Notes can also help writers from repeating themselves. Writers tend to be drawn to certain ideas and themes that are important to them. However, if a writer keeps using the same idea over and over and over again, it is liable to become boring. No one wants to read boring! Notes can help a writer see if their story is too similar to their previous stories and make changes!

The other thing notes do is create a level of consistency. (I know, I just said repeating is bad.) This is particularly important when you’re writing a series. Character histories need to be decided on and kept the same throughout the books. Personalities need to be kept consistent and when changes happen, they should be natural results of what is going on in the series. People, places and objects need to be described. A lot of times they end up being described in the book and then later, they might be described a completely different way. It is important to keep everything matching to each other. A lot of author’s solve this problem by copying and pasting their important dialogue and exposition phrased into another document and then copying and pasting that into each of their books when appropriate. This is a viable strategy that saves time!

Speaking of time, having notes saves the writer time for when it comes to doing the very important thing, writing. Having notes allows the writer to focus on the task of telling a story. This means, there is a time for taking notes and a time for writing. If the writer focuses too much on making, sorting and organizing their notes, they’re never going to get any writing done. So, there has to be time for the writer to say, enough is enough, let’s get writing! (Sort of like this blog post.)

Notes are very useful tools for the writer, but they are just a tool to be applied in limited quantities. It is important that notes be organized so the writer can find the information they need when they need it. Notes help the writer remember things, where they are going, keep track of changes in a story, come up with new stories, keep the writer from repeating themselves, create consistency in the work and saves time.

For those writers who don’t use notes, outlines and so on and just sit down and write. I applaud and respect you. It just doesn’t work for me.

[shanastoryteller]

shana’s thoughts on the dragon prince

now, i did like it overall, but there are a bunch of negative opinions i have about the show, so if you don’t want to read someone saying mean things about your new favorite show, that’s totally fair! but then this post isn’t for you

i’m putting this under a cut, and if the cut doesn’t work bc you’re on mobile ... scroll really fast? i can’t help you.

1. first and foremost, what the FUCK was that frame rate?? i’m sorry, i’ve seen smoother motion in early 2000s video games. that was literally painful to watch at times. i get they’re trying to save money, but please ... the two different animation styles are distracting enough, especially what the people are animated to be so flat. the animation, while beautiful in parts, is definitely not the strongest part of the show, but could be infinitely improved by a higher fps

2. so many “jokes” that just aren’t funny. they’re trying for everyone to be wry and it actually very rarely works. or even when the line is funny, it disrupts the flow of the story. “say hello to my little friend” as the trigger word for bait completely took me out of the story, but they didn’t even keep it as a trigger phrase, so it was pointless. rayla pausing to say goodbye to the ground before climbing the tree could have been very funny - but she paused!! people are in danger, this is time sensitive, why are you stopping to say something funny to no one? this thing in particular happened multiple times, where the line was funny, the delivery was funny, but the way everything stops so they can say the funny thing ruins it. i’m certain people can walk and talk at the same time, so let them.

3. holy shit there’s so much exposition. like straight up, that whole intro scene? worthless. everything gets covered again later on. it defs shouldn’t have been more than 30 seconds. there’s a lot of explainy moments where characters talk about things they should already know. there are also lots of clever moments where information is conveyed deftly and well, so more of that, less hitting the audience over the head with it. i found the first 2 episodes to be pretty boring because of this, and it wasn’t until 3 episodes in i was like, oh good, something interesting is happening. because of the long explanation in the beginning, the opening scene of reyla sparing the guard had less weight for me, because i was still trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, instead of accepting a fairly straightforward scene between rayla and the guard that would have been a fantastic starting point for the show

4. on a similar note, please some exposition about how magic works. what are its rules, its limits, how does it work?? we know about the six sources of magic, but that’s pretty much it. there’s laughably little information about how the rules of magic work in this world, and because nothing is ever explained, we have no idea how impressive something is, or what the stakes are, and its very frustrating

5. there was an awful lot of hype for how moon shadow elves were unstoppable only for them to be ... kind of invisible and really strong and fast? but like clearly very stoppable. 

6. lots of “plot twists” were incredibly obvious, but this is a kids show, so i’ll let that one slide. but it does mean that as an adult viewer i’m less surprised by a big reveal than i am just waiting for it to happen so something else can happen

7. ezran’s animal speaking came out of almost nowhere, and it definitely should have come up like, 4 episodes in, not in the last episode when convenient. wtf. also, like, if this is a thing the king can do too, which would make sense with his bird and all, why is it a secret? why didn’t ezran just find a better way to prove it to callum before this whole thing started, instead of oh i tried with the raccoons now i’m done? his brother clearly listens to him at least sometimes. 

8. rayla’s hand. oh my fucking god, her hand. she should have lost it you cowards. the line about her not understanding sacrifice in the beginning, having to take responsibility for bad decisions like the king said, the whole subplot with the giant wolf only having three legs and how he was just fine that way, literally like ten minutes before. and absolutely no mention about dragons being able to bite away the binding, or about royalty being able to break the binding. just oh good the dragon has bitten the binding off in the last two minutes of the show, all that set up and overarching themes we set up? pointless and worthless. 

now for thing i like

1. the characters are genuinely likable and multi dimensional (excluding viren who’s pretty cookie cutter). they all have flaws and doubts and are all badasses in their own way. it’s 100% how i like to see characters written, and so rarely do, and it’s absolute pleasure that this show is full of them. it makes all the things i dislike about it so much easier to swallow

2. callum and his conflicted relationship about being in the palace and being the step prince are so incredibly obvious and real and wonderful, and i can already tell i’m going to write a fic, because it was done so well and i adore it. his conversation with the king was a masterpiece. definitely a high point of the show

3. callum’s relationship with ezran is so pure and loving and good. he loves his little brother so much, with no bitterness or resentment or anything at all. he just loves him. and he gets irritated by him, because they’re brothers, but it’s clearly a very good relationship.

4. claudia and soren get the runner up for best sibling relationship. they also clearly care about each other and get on each others nerves and make fun of each other. 

5. soren is surprise fave. he’s a big dumb idiot who’s kind of a jerk but i love him. like one second he’s making fun of callum for being a step prince, and the next he’s pretending to get beaten by him so callum can impress his sister. it would have been so easy for him to make fun of callum instead, or to humiliate him for his crush on claudia, but instead he’s like “yeah i’ll help you look cool in front of my sister, even though you ruined my fun and didn’t let her walk into a tree” he’s dumb and a jerk and a good person. he’s great. 

6. reyla’s internal struggle and her relationship with runaan is fantastic, and i wish we’d gotten to see more of it. she’s trying so hard all the time to do the right thing and make everyone proud and i love it. 

7. amaya is fucking iconic. “breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” i love her. shes’s amazing and wonderful in every way. also the way she refuses to take the throne is badass.

8. the show is clearly trying so hard to be diverse and inclusive, and it really is like a breath of fresh air to see. there’s so much obvious care going on here, and the clear love in which all of it was done is another thing that blunts the edges of the many things i dislike about the show. 

9. the landscape and background animation is very well done, and often beautiful. 

look, i watched the whole first season in one sitting when i wasn’t planning to, so obviously it’s a net positive. i liked, i’ll watch a second season, but there are things which i really dislike about the show, and to be completely honest, if the characters weren’t written so incredibly well, i would probably drop it. but they are, and while there are other, smaller things about the show that make it good, the well written characters alone make it worth watching

[misscrawfords]

I can’t stop thinking about that terrible movie, The Christmas Wedding Planner. It doesn’t deserve 1/10th of the mental energy I’m giving it and yet here we are.

The main problem is that just a few tweaks could have made it a decent film and that the things that were wrong with it were just so wrong. So I’m making two lists. The first is its greatest atrocities. The second is what I’d tweak to turn it into something watchable, even good.

The premise: Kelsey is a rookie wedding planner, about to get her big break with her rich cousin Emily’s wedding to the oh so charming, Todd. Then she bumps into Connor, Emily’s ex, a private investigator mysteriously charged with investigating Todd. He wants to recruit Kelsey to help him with his investigation. She wants him to piss off. Sparks fly while my suspension of disbelief remains firmly rooted to the ground.

This post will contain spoilers. I really wouldn’t bother caring. Buckle yourself in - we’re going for a very inane ride!

Problems

The leads have no chemistry at all. This is obviously a problem. Buying a romance and attraction between them was just impossible. Their first kiss was meant to be awkward but, my god, surely not THAT awkward! 

This lack of chemistry was added to a flat script that clearly was trying to present Kelsey and Connor as a sparring love-hate dynamic who grow to appreciate each other and eventually come to realise that their connection is really deep as they share the same values. But, uh, that may have been the intention but not the story that came across on the screen. Which was just two people who irritated each other suddenly and for no reason getting upset about how the other was behaving after knowing each other for about three days and then...

THEY GOT FLIPPING MARRIED. I mean. WHAT. They’ve kissed twice. They know basically nothing about each other. Half an hour previously she thought he was a villain. This isn’t romantic, this is INSANE. I give them till the end of the honeymoon.

She’s called Kelsey. Like, that’s not a name. It’s just a random word. (This is petty as hell, but still.)

Kelsey has a “tragic backstory” where her mum died and she’s narrating her life in text messages to her mum which are text message overlays of exposition in case the viewer is finding the plot too complex to follow. I have no idea why this exists. It goes nowhere.

A romantic comedy ends with Emily, described as the most perfectly lovely and sweet person, discovering at the altar that her almost-husband was cheating on her and got a maid pregnant and then dumping him. And then she watches her wedding planner get married to her ex-boyfriend who she barely knows. I don’t particularly care about Kelsey and Connor but I’m very, very concerned about Emily! Make your beta couple happy, you cowards!

Todd was cheating with the maid. Wow, what a radical secret. And then Emily just doesn’t even talk about it. She just accepts the wedding is off and wants to plan a girls trip away instead. She was going to MARRY this guy. Doesn’t she want to IDK hear his side of the story? Why so quick to believe the worst? I mean, wow, clearly she shouldn’t be marrying this guy if she doesn’t care, but she’s meant to be intelligent as well as beautiful!

So basically none of the characterisation makes sense. In that there basically isn’t any. Just plot points that apparently have to be hit. Like, Aunt Olivia is a bitchy Rich White Woman (tm) half the time and a caring, mother-figure the other half. I was getting whiplash keeping up with her 180 degree character changes.

Connor isn’t even vaguely attractive. Physically or emotionally. That’s kind of a problem in a romance film. (I mean, YMMV with the physical aspect but, eurgh really.) He’s as charismatic as a block of wood. She’s... eh. She’s a generic Hallmark movie protagonist.

The way these characters dress and look. It’s so... 90s? I don’t mean that exactly. I mean, everyone looks the same and it’s a kind of glossy Clueless vibe. The women are all in tailored mini dresses and with long waves of hair. The men wear slacks and a shirt and have a bit of stubble. They all live in massive mansions or cute apartments that are all spotlessly clean and neat. They literally look like Barbie dolls except even my dollhouse was more realistically lived in than any of these sets. It’s such a weird aesthetic. And it makes no sense for the demographic these people supposedly belong to.

Perfect, sweet Jane Bennet Emily has three caricatured bridesmaids who are horrible. Why? Why are bridesmaids always jealous, miserable bitches? WHERE ARE HER ACTUAL FRIENDS? Speaking of, who even has weddings like this? What is the deal? Who WANTS this kind of wedding? Who behaves like this about their wedding or their child’s wedding? I’m so confused. If this is some kind of fantasy, I wonder whose it is, because everything about it is horrible. Which brings me back to this all feeling very dated in its aesthetic and early 2000s obsession with skinny women getting carried away with designer weddings in romcoms written by men. IDEK. This is 2018 and we have Set It Up and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. This kind of film just doesn’t belong any more.

So that’s quite enough issues. Let’s try to solve a few and make this a better film.

Most of the problems could be solved by making the lead couple appealing. Cast different actors and write the script that they think they already have. If you can actually buy the narrative of two people who have more in common than they think growing closer from antagonists to partners, then the ridiculous ending where they decide to just get married could potentially work. POTENTIALLY. If they had more lingering looks that were genuinely hot, their awkward kiss melted into something real, their interactions sizzled with wit and suppressed passion then... yeah. Maybe then the spontaneous decision at the end would make you think, “Actually, yes, it’s mad but LOOK AT THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS!”

Work on characterisation. So Kelsey’s deal is she’s concentrating on managing other people’s happiness instead of concentrating on her own because she can’t let go after her mother’s death. This is kind of heavy for a romcom. Let’s scrap the dead mother altogether. Make Emily her actual sister instead of the cousin who is like a sister and make Aunt Olivia her mum. Streamlines everything. This is better. So Emily is the perfect daughter who is beautiful and sweet and having the perfect wedding and Kelsey is the younger daughter who is determined to make her way in the world without the family money. This causes friction because she thinks her mum favours Emily and her determination leads her to believe that if she gets involved in a serious relationship which would please her mother then she is compromising her desire to be independent. Cue touching moment near the end when her mother admits she’s got it all wrong and she admires Kelsey’s entrepreneurial spirit and reveals that it’s possible to have a career AND a relationship. None of this is rocket science or even that interesting but I’m trying to make this a better Hallmark movie, not Citizen Kane.

Connor’s turn. Good grief, get a better actor for a start. And the entire plot here needs to change now. Because the PI bit is good but being hired by Aunt Olivia because Todd is cheating is just... so BORING. So before we can improve Connor we need to work on what he’s there to do.

Time to look at the actual plot. Wedding planner forced to work against her will with PI to investigate the wedding she’s planning is a genuinely cool concept. We have a bunch of tropes here: spies! we had to kiss for cover! love to hate! fake dating! All of these need to be fully exploited and above all the spying has to be funny. This needs to be the centre of the film. Not a single montage. It needs to circle through every conceivable trope to romantic and comic effect. We need to see these two bickering and flirting and denying their attraction in ridiculous undercover situations. This should be basically 90% of the film. Because that I would watch. But “Todd is cheating” is beyond boring. So what will the scenario be?

A couple of options and I’m not sure what I’d go with at present. Firstly would be sticking with the “Todd is cheating” plotline but... he isn’t. He’s a great guy! The spying is all pointless and both Kelsey and Connor realise that but... just... can’t quite bring themselves... to stop... because that’s their excuse to see each other. Todd and Emily find out in the most embarrassing way possible, and find it hilarious. Because they’re a well-adjusted couple ready to take the next step into married life. Either Aunt-now-Mum Olivia did start it and then has to eat humble pie and realise she was wrong about everything or someone else instigated it. Maybe a jealous ex? IDK. It doesn’t really matter. They’re proved totally wrong and true love triumphs!

The alternative is that Todd is really a bad egg but in that case we need to play his relationship with Emily differently so she doesn’t come out looking like a robot or an idiot. We can do a Much Ado situation where their superficial relationship - Emily desperately trying to please her mother as much as Kelsey is trying to distance herself (two sides of the same coin) - is contrasted with the real and flawed relationship that develops between Kelsey and Connor. Meanwhile, because this is a romcom, while Todd and Emily’s relationship is obviously wrong from the start, Emily builds up a cute friendship with the adorable baker making her wedding cake - who is the only appealing character in the film as it stands. Once Emily’s relationship with Todd is exploded, then give her a shoulder to cry on and the hope of something real with the lovely baker in the future.

But even if Todd is a genuinely rotter, the spying needs to be a smokescreen. If Kelsey and Connor do discover whatever is dodgy about Todd, it needs to happen accidentally and so all their spy antics need to be a complete waste of time except to lead to them falling in love. Because actually spying on people and so on is... not very nice and turns this into a spy film rather than a romcom. Even better, let Emily come to the realisation herself. When Kelsey breaks the news to her (she has to do it, not Connor for maximum emotion, and not ridiculously while she’s at the altar) then Emily has to admit she already worked it out so she can make a really informed decision.

If you’re going to have Connor propose at the end (which is stupid) then the correct response is for Kelsey to laugh hysterically and say something like, “Are you crazy? But you can take me out for a real date!” Cue kiss, applause and credits.

So Connor. Firstly, his background needs to be simplified. He shouldn’t be Emily’s ex. That’s just weird. And the whole money business is dubious and overly-complicated and doesn’t make him look great and is just shoe-horned in for ~drama. He’s just a stranger who is a PI. The end. This ought to be an easy job for him, a boring one. He didn’t count on the genuinely smart, witty wedding planner he got entangled with. Bless his snarky, so over-it cotton socks.

So, I can see you wondering, haven’t I removed all sources of tension? No issue with the ex, no money problems, Kelsey and Connor don’t even affect Emily’s relationship. What is the massive problem that will occur 4/5ths the way through and make our hero and heroine desperately miserable for five minutes before the final denouement? But, my friend, if you think this is a problem, then you’ve completely missed the central premise of this story. They think they’re just forced to work together! As spies! Undercover! But actually! They have real feelings! For each other! Isn’t that enough of a plot? When Emily and Todd’s wedding either goes ahead without problem or is broken up no thanks to the inept spy duo, they have no longer any reason to see each other! And thinking that the other one doesn’t care, they just sadly say goodbye and prepare to part for ever... BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU. Look, this is all the level of conflict this film needs. Nobody is watching this because they want this part of the film to last more than a couple of minutes maximum. Just let them roll their eyes at each other like the Beatrice and Benedick dynamic they so desperately wish they had and kiss!

THE END.

[tkscz]

DC vs Marvel: Animation Justice League Action vs Avengers Assemble

I know before I said I'd start this with X-men: TAS vs Batman: TAS, but because I knew I had to watch these two shows, as I haven't before, I began watching them and, I'd rather write this now while these two shows are on my mind.  

There are multiple reasons why I chose these two shows to compare, most obvious being that it's Justice League vs Avengers, you pretty much have to do that. But also, the fact that these two shows were made with the purpose of promoting their respective movies (though I don't see JLA helping that at all as this show is way more influenced by the comics than the movies. AA on the other hand is way more influenced by the movies than the comics). Lastly these two seem to have gotten a negative reputation among them, so going into either, I wasn't expecting much, and I can say neither are "end this show now" bad, but one of these two aren't exactly good either. So, without further ado, let's get started.

                                                      Writing

Justice League Action: The writing here is obviously aimed at a younger audience and is definitely meant to be more of an action/comedy series, with a little more focus on the comedy aspect. Cartoon Network isn't really interested in pure action shows anymore so this makes sense, especially with the popularity of Teen Titans Go. However, unlike the aforementioned Teen Titans Go, the jokes aren't low brow or toilet humor, (most of the time) but they aren't the most complicated jokes to understand. That's not to say they are bad. Admittedly, I enjoyed the humor more than I assumed I was. I honestly thought it was going to be a bunch of corny jokes and a bunch of quips coming at me every two minutes, but the show surprised me on how it crafts its humor. It reminds me of early Fairly Odd Parents or second season Sonic Boom. The jokes are snappy, well timed, and are only told when needed. The dialog isn't bad either. That is to say, it works for the type of show this is. Nothing sounds too off, though when they want a character to sound or be annoying (usually Plastic-man or Booster Gold), they make them sound as annoying as possible. I mean, I get what they are trying to do here, write the annoying characters as annoying as they can be so that when they do the heroic thing, the audience gets a sense of pay-off, but they can tone it down a bit. The dial can be on 7 or 8, doesn't have to be 11. As for other characters, they do a good job writing each one as close as possible to their comic book counterpart, though, as said before with annoying characters, some of their personalities get a little over emphasized (looking at you Wonder Woman). Overall, I would say the writing is pretty good. Balanced dialog for the most part, characters are pretty well done and the humor works for what type of show it's trying to be. It's nothing to write home about but works.

Avengers Assemble: The writing for this show is different from Justice League Action as this show is meant to be taken more seriously than the JLA. It's written more as a pure action serious with the way it's dialog is handled. Jokes are used as a way of braking tension instead of being used as it's natural dialog. The problem here is that tension is written blandly and so are the jokes. The show takes itself quite seriously but isn't written in a way where the audience can take it as serious. The dialog is way too bland for it. There's no enthusiasm in what the characters say. It's partly on the voice actors, (something I'm trying not to bring up, but in this case, there is no getting around it), but mostly it's because the script. It's possible, but it is not easy to act enthusiastically when the script is boring. It's such a bland script and comes off as paint by numbers. At times the dialog doesn't even come off as natural. Most of the time they keep calling each other by codename instead of their actual names. It becomes awkward when they start talking about how close they are as a team and as friends, but rarely use real names. You also know what they are going to say sometimes before they say it because it's the obvious thing to say. I want to say the dialog gets better in the later seasons, but it doesn't. In fact, it gets harder to pin some parts of it down. Like Tony is sometimes his lovable asshole self, but then he is super serious Tony in other episodes and then lovable asshole again. This would work if he was a mix of both in most episodes, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Then there is the comedy and let me tell you, it's good jokes are few and far between as this show will hit you with so many quips. This action scenes are full with quip after quip after quip. It's shooting you with quips at you at 50 puns an hour. And the jokes rarely make me giggle, let alone laugh. Honestly, I can only remember one laugh out loud joke from the entire series. Captain America wakes from being hurt and told Falcon that he won't lie to him, he thought he was going to die, but then pauses and goes "why did I say that, I never lie." And I honestly thought that was well timed and really funny. Otherwise the show mostly just makes quips and puns that rarely hit and feel ill timed. Like come on guys, just fight the villain of the day, please stop making bad jokes about everything you do. Overall, the writing here is just boring dialog and bad puns.

Better of the two: Yeah, it's pretty obvious I'm choosing JLA. I actually had a hard time listening to Avengers Assemble. Either I'm bored or I'm cringing. I get the feelings of cringe from JLA at times, but Avengers Assemble has me more shocked when it's writing isn't making me cringe.

JLA Wins

                                                      Story

Justice League Action: JLA is purely episodic. Each fifteen-minute episode is self-contained and the show doesn't have any continuity from one episode to another, even if said episode isn't played directly after the previous. That being said, the show does a really good job telling the story it needs to in the time given. In the 10 to 15 minutes it's got it gets through the six steps on the ol' plot diagram. You know how it goes, exposition, conflict, rising action, climax, falling action and resolution. Of course, it's not perfectly in that order, but it still manages to work. Now this isn't saying all the stories work out. Quite a few of them have cringey or hard to sit through expositions and conflicts, looking at you "Meet the Kryptonians", but most of those ones tend to get better once it hits the rising action. This show also does character development better than it should. It's episodic, so no matter how they develop within the story of an episode, they'll go right back to their status quo next time they show up. Plastic-man is a good example. He goes through some good development and gains respect by the resolution, but the next episode, nope, no more respect. This is kind of why people like continuity, gets annoying to watch characters change their minds about someone/something, only for them to be the same way the following episode. Overall the stories aren't bad, they do a very good job for the time allowed but with the show being episodic, I actual feel they are doing TOO good of a job on a standalone story that has no long-standing consequences in the show's running.

Avengers Assemble: Where JLA was fully episodic, AA is only semi-episodic with an ongoing story per season. Basically, there are a lot of filler episodes, but there is an over-arching plot. Season 1 may be an exception to that as there wasn't really a plot there, but some continuity. Season two started having more plot and more multi-part episodes. Seasons 3 and 4 is when it's obvious there is plot to focus on more than there is filler. Again, the problem becomes how bland it all is. The stories became quickly predictable, down to the point where I just felt myself going "well I'm not surprised" a lot. Sometimes characters are brought into the story simply as plot devices and then are never seen again, even when it would make total sense for them to return. Sometimes plot points are brought into the story for no reason. Example in the four parter Civil War (Marvel please stop trying to make Civil War happen) in which Black Bolt had a machine that would seal up every inhuman on Earth in order to bring peace between humans and inhumans after they were being controlled by Ultron. He goes to that machine and was about to use it, but Captain America told him not to and rather than turn it off, Black Bolt destroys the machine. That entire plot point was pointless and could've been gotten rid of. The pacing in the episodes also tends to be off. Things happen too fast or off scene so things sometimes just come out of nowhere. Sometimes they build something up only to resolve it almost immediately, leaving it feeling unsatisfying. I'll give them that they don't leave hanging plot points. They do resolve everything, but the bad pacing causes the endings not to be satisfying. Sometimes the episodes feel like they're stretching because they resolved one or two plot points too fast and now they have to pad the time be doing the same thing they just did at a different area. Overall, the stories are just bland, not bad, but predictable. The pacing is what really ruins it as things end too early and it makes the episodes feel long.

Better of the two: Honestly, this one is a draw. JLA's short format and not having continuity can make the show feel repetitive when specific characters show up over and over again and have to go through the same issue over and over again, but those plots are never really bad and they mix it up well each time they do it, so it feels like you've seen it before, at the same time it still has the feeling of being fresh. AA's stories aren't bad, just uninspired and really badly paced. You know where the story is going and how it's going to end and you can guess the twist before it ever happens, but they do take care of every loose end and it does keep up with character development and continuity. They both have flaws that could push a lot of people away, but both of pros that could bring them in.

Draw

                                                   Art Style

Justice League Action: This is definitely where you can tell the show was made mostly for children. It's art style is super colorful, very bright and vivid and everything about it pops out, and you know what, it really works. Everything stands out. Everyone looks so unique from their face to their bodies. They did this thing with faces where eye sizes and facial features placements are always slightly different so you can always tell who whom is no matter what. Though I will admit, while it does do different body shapes for many of the characters, a lot of them have the same body shape, normally the villains. The backgrounds are also a bit bland. I know it's so that the characters pop out more, but at times the backgrounds feel washed out. Overall, I love the art on the characters, but the backgrounds could be better.

Avengers Assemble: Just like the story, the art work here is just bland. The colors are dim and drab. There is very little shading done, the characters almost never deviate in shape or size unless it's the obvious like a kid character or a Hulk, and even then, the Hulks don't look that different in body shape, just taller and slightly wider. The backgrounds can look better than the characters, but unless something is happening, it usually isn't breath taking. Things only got worse in the fourth season. Characters no longer have shading or lighting, so they all look very distilled. The backgrounds have shading and lighting still so now the characters look out of place. At times it’s just really hard to look at.

Better of the two: JLA takes this one. While the backgrounds can be washed out looking, at least the characters match it. AA feels like they took the piss in character modeling and season four took a bigger piss with detailing. The art looks so boring and dead compared to JLA’s more lively art style.

Winner: JLA

                                                   Animation

Justice League Action: The animation in this show is very lively and dynamic. The backgrounds may be washed out but they also feel alive with motion. There is some CG here and there but nothing intrusive, just a hologram or something of the like. Characters move naturally in comparison to their sizes and shapes and capabilities. The Flash feels fast, Superman’s punches feel hard, Plasticman looks like something between a liquid and a solid and it’s all thanks to some great animation. That’s not to say it’s perfect, and if I’m honest, which I should be, it suffers from what seems to be, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, lag. At times the animation will just slow down or feel like it’s stuck on frames. Some character motions tend to come off really weird as well. Almost like mistakes they missed or something they were trying but it didn’t go well, but overall the animation is well done. Not Justice League Unlimited levels of well done, but still really good.

Avengers Assemble: This will be the only thing for AA I won’t call bland, because the animation here is just bad. Stilted movements and motions. Terribly done zoom effects to depict depth or motion. It’s like the majority of the animation was done with motion tweens. Then there is the bad lip syncing, horrible use of CG, many, MANY animation errors that include very blatant and visible continuity errors. The fight scenes become nearly impossible to tell what’s going on. Weird camera angles like face zoom ins that happen WHILE another action was happening. AA’s animation is an overall mess.  

Better of the two: JLA no doubt about it. It has its mistakes but at least there is more good animation there to balance it out. AA has more mistakes, bad tweens, failed depth depiction, bad lip syncing, terrible CG integration and just awful fight scenes.

Winner: JLA

                                            Overall better series

For this one I’d have to give it to JLA. While they both aren’t the best stories ever told, as animated series, JLA feels like it was something someone wanted to work on, or at least done by those who understand the basics of animation. AA feels undone, like it’s their rough animation and they were about to start working on the details and it was published before they could. If you’re a big fan of the Avengers, I suggest Earth Mightiest heroes, honestly, there isn’t much reason to watch AA, while at the very least JLA is good children’s entertainment and adults can get a laugh out of it too.

Winner: JLA