#you little whorebag.. I know what you are

[twelve-kinds-of-trouble]

I am not over the fact that Jesper didn’t realise he’d met Wylan before until he was literally on top of him. He didn’t recognise his one night stand until he was On Top Of Him,,,, that’s the angle he had to have to remember his face,, there’s only one image that’s fitting for this.

[notstilinski]

Desperados Starters !

Taken from the 2020 Netflix movie, Desperados! Some of these have already been edited. You can change them however you see fit!

“My first boyfriend was a teddy bear.”

“I’m not even going on Instagram anymore because I cannot see another pregnant belly with the words ‘nine months’ written on it.”

"I got a lot of guys in the mix right now. Some of them are ghosting me, which means they have my undivided attention."

“I’m sorry I called you a bitch when you told me you were pregnant.”

“I always feel like, on a blind date, you should have an automatic out. You show up, say hi, no chemistry? Just say no. Over.”

“Usually when girls get married, they try to yard sale their reject pile.”

“I saw your purse go flying into oncoming traffic and thought you might need some help.”

“I didn’t mean to look at your organs when I said that. It was just natural.”

“Look. I’m just facing facts, my personality is an acquired taste.”

“He likes kids, he owns a duvet cover, he liked me with a slight concussion. What more do I want?”

“I don’t have a problem with online gambling anymore. I already told you that.”

"Please stop hashtagging all of your Instagrams #photography. Everything on Instagram's a photograph."

“If I got an email saying, “Don’t read the last email,” that is the first thing I would do.”

“No, no, no. Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes, I hate it when you do that.”

“Come on, guys. It’s one hour of burglary and two days by the pool.”

“I hope this minibar is a megabar.”

“What do we do? Google ‘breaking and entering, I don’t know.”

“On a scale of one to ten, how desperate are you to break into this room?”

“I Googled you pink penis toy, and it’s called a vibrator, and it’s for girls who are lonely.”

"I'm bringing your body this way, and you're gonna have some sex."

“I completely respect you, and, look, my eyes are completely closed, I’m just gonna give this to you without any lawsuit.”

“That sounds like a human rights crime.”

“Sweetie, you’re not very good at revenge affairs, but that guy was a fucking asshole.”

“Stay away, whorebag, or I will pop you like a balloon.”

“What are you here for? What do you want? How can I get rid of you quicker?”

“You are way above using emotional blackmail.”

“I will remember this betrayal when I pick your bridesmaid's dress. They will be hideous and very expensive.”

“Was that the sound of a chainsaw cutting through bone?”

“What’s up, Suge Knight? Wow. I love what you’ve done with the place.”

“I’m not making this about me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, and I want the bus to pull over right now so we can get off.”

“Candles and flowers. Wow. Sounds like a Bachelorette episode.”

“Uh, take it from me. It’s always later in the story than you think.”

“Now you can tell the kids how Mommy stalked Daddy all the way to Mexico like a bounty hunter.”

“Well forgive me for assuming that a scam artist, hippie, sociopath wouldn’t be a woman.”

“I know you’re wondering if this is a good idea and the answer is: "please shut up."”

“Unbroken eye contact is a particular kind of torture.”

“I don’t know, he’s hopping out of the cake. I do not know this man.”

“You don’t wanna pop up with a little bit of crazy one day, and then surprise, he’s out!”

“Look, you are a lot of things, but normal is definitely not one of them.”

“You should know that, if I don’t take care of it, I, too, can grow a mustache.”

“When you say things like that, it sounds like you don’t take our problems seriously.”

“You know, I probably shouldn’t admit that, but I’m trying to own up to my eccentricities.”

“The blind date is not going good. He’s kissing another girl on the street!”

[demisexualnathanvuornos]

Canon Aces 73/?: Amy Chao (Rosie Simon) Slasher: Solstice/season 3x1-3x4, 3x8 (2019)

Kit Jennings: So, uh, what crazy plans you got for tonight?

Amy Chao: Nothing exciting. 

Kit: No? No, uh drug-fueled sex orgies? 

Amy: No, that’s Wednesdays, after knitting. I’m probably gaming in VR. Me in another world. 

Kit: Sounds trippy. Maybe you can show me sometime. 

Amy: Sure. 

Kit: Are you gay? 

Amy: Why? [Kit describes being high] That’s how it is for me with VR.  

Kit: You fuck on VR?  

Amy: No. I feel alive. Surrounded and safe. The world’s too…  

Kit: Tense? 

Amy: Yeah. 

Kit: That’s what I want, though. I want the too much of it all, you know? I even looked into trepanation. — I just want to drill holes in everything. Okay, I’ve flirted with you and you give me nothing. I make my moves. You have zero reaction. 

Amy: You were making moves? 

Kit: Yes. And you barely even look at me. Like I understand if you were gay, but fuck me, but you probably won’t, because I bet you’re asexual. 

Amy: Why do you care? Hmm? 

Kit: Because I’m obsessed with sex and I’m a bi poly slut. You know, some people look around and they say, “Yeah, no, maybe, definitely not. ” The people they would or wouldn’t fuck. 

Amy: Not really. 

Kit: Okay, well, people do that. 

Amy: Okay. 

Kit: But with me, I fuck everyone. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to be in your world. Can you imagine if we could see each other’s lives through VR? 

Amy: There is a camera at my gaming place. But I think you’d get bored. 

Kit: No. Mm. No way. We’re kind of perfect for each other. 

Amy: But I’m not into sex and you’re all about it. 

Kit: You could teach me restraint, maybe some control. Something I know nothing about. 

Amy: What, and you’d teach me about sex? 

Kit: I’d teach you how to how to feel it all. Everything.

Amy: [DOOR OPENS.] [AMY CLEARS THROAT.] This is my partner, Xander. Kit was just..

Xander: I was worried about you. Didn’t know we opened up a strip club in the laundry room. 

Kit: Yeah, sorry, man. I’ve been in that shirt all week. 

Amy: I’m okay. 

Xander: I didn’t even know you owned a shirt, so that’s, like, totally news to me. 

Kit: All right, maybe I’ll see you guys around, huh? Maybe the Solstice party. You should come. It’s gonna be crazy. Okay. 

Amy: Alright.

*** [Amy reads an article on asexuality]

Xander: Hello? Earth to Amy. 

Amy: Oh. That was nice. 

Xander: [SCOFFS.] That was nice. I am a gifted linguist. If I am talking to you down there, you don’t need to be on your phone. 

Amy: Right now? 

Xander: [SIGHS.] A little less FaceTime, a little more below-the-waist time? [AMY CHUCKLES.]  [SIGHING.] Hey. All right, we kiss, we make out we make enough noise to drive those pathetic neighbors out of here. Orgasms and pest control. I mean everybody wins. 

Amy: Hey. What if I wore these[VR goggles] while we did it? [SIGHS.] Hmm? 

Xander: [BOTH CHUCKLE.] Well, if you’re doing that [handjob] you can wear whatever you want. Mm-hmm. But, uh, but why that? [GRUNTS.] 

Amy: Oh, uh [AMY SIGHS.] Oh. It’s kind of kinky, hmm?  

Xander: [XANDER SIGHS.] [BOTH CHUCKLING.] Like robot porn. 

Amy: I’m your dirty, little sex robot.–That’s okay. 

Xander: I want to get you off. 

Amy: Look, I liked that. I don’t need more. 

Xander: What’s up, C3? You seem a little PO’d. 

Amy: Of course not. 

Xander: Where’d you go? 

Amy: Xander…

Xander: You thinking about someone else?  

Amy: Oh, my God, don’t. We were fucking. Hard. 

Xander: He’s a slimy, out-of-work druggie whorebag who is too stupid to even get paid for it. 

Amy: I talked to him twice. 

Xander: Yeah, it’s like I’m the only person in this building who doesn’t want to fuck that wannabe rock star. 

Amy: I was fucking you. 

Xander: Yeah, with those space goggles on. 

Amy: You said you were into it. 

Xander: Yeah, what are you even watching on this thing? Whoa. What the fuck? That’s what gets you off? 

Amy: Well, nothing gets me off. I didn’t cum. I don’t ever cum.

Xander: You cum. You’ve cum before. I bet Kit makes you cum. 

Amy: Look, Xander, no. There’s no one but you.

[norrlands-nonsense]

@chispas-and-broken-bindings​​ oh nooo! That was way too many nice things to say about me you crazy wonderful whorebag of a human beeing! 😍 😍 😍 And even though -as you know- I’m a Very Sensible Mature Adult I found myself in a bit of a situation yesterday after reading your answer (which I did at least eleven times but who’s counting right?) I was going to explain it to you in a nice and tidy spreadsheet but tragically the murder board I made was too confusing even for me, the maker of it. But I’m like 73% sure that my lizard brain misstook the “omg-look-at-all-the-shiny-pretty-praise-I-got-omg-look-look ma, loo at the all the delicious compliments! -induced agitated sweating and elevated heart rate in my body for the reaction of a vicious bear attack. Or something similarly dangerous -like a saber tooth tiger or even worse some old random classmate who wants to hang out and “catch up” and my fucked up defect survival instinct got confused and panicked, and in a feat of unprecedented over reacting it turned me into an emotion fearing raccoon. And a raccoon -while having fabulously cute hands- unfortunately lacks even the  basic capability to handle the mess of getting paid compliments and how to deal with it in a reasonable way. So like any rational raccoon, I torched my house, faked my death and egged my ex’s house -no names shall be mentioning, I’m a classy lady after all. And also  the whole self-incrimination thingie. Now as I write this I am slowly rolling making my way south towards the rest of Europe, desperately trying to get away from these itchy daunting awful emotions that is online friendship. Therefore -sadly- this is probably the last time we talk. At least until the day I sneakily roll my way into your house, stealing you away while cackling like a mad woman and/or raccoon, about the fact you thought I’d want to steal anyone rather than you. (Ok full transparency: I also wanna steal Sain and @charmtion​, but we’ll go get them after I’ve secured you in my little red wagon, I’m thinking cable ties should hold. Or maybe that will hurt? Hm. Well nevermind, I’ll sort out the details before I get there) I love you a ridiculous amount and you always brighten my day when we talk. I’m so glad we found out way to each other and how you are alwa- Oh NooOOOOO raccoon taking over must.not.talk.about.feelings.nope.oooh yessss I know let’s find the closest body of water and dip stuff in it! Dip it with my lil handsies! Dipping Splashing Fun Time! Might I offer you some gifs of the OG wretched slapper himself while I Dip Some Stuff? Because you know: gifs and pics are so much easier than Words. and what do you mean I overuse this nifty line thingie here look ma it’s so lovely! oooh maybe we can dip the line in the wa-

5 facts about the fellow Hot Anna of your choosing.. - gooooo go goo! 😈 (would also like it known that I need to be told my nipple ribbon colour because outfit matching reasons yes yesss såatte yep)

@norrlands-nonsense you will ALWAYS be the Hot Anna of my choosing, my hot, funny tvättbjörn.

1. You are the funniest person on the internet. No one can change my mind. I’d be jealous if I weren’t so in love with you, since I already have a chip on my shoulder about not being the funniest Anna my husband has ever dated, and now I have you to contend with...another hotter, funnier Anna. Don’t ever come to the U.S. of A and steal my husband away. Unless you bring me Alexander Skarsgård or Alicia Vikander or Rebecca Ferguson or Joel Kinnaman in exchange (Sidenote: why are all of you Swedes so hot? is it all the Surströmming? does it contain alchemical properties beneath all that rot?) 

2. Tech-savvy extraordinaire. my personal help desk for basic internet functions. Does it sting a little when you laugh at my idiocy? Yes...maybe a bit, but I’d be lost without you, you manip-making magician, you website wizard, you reverse image search raconteur, you sexy gif finding sorceress. Thanks to you I know the going rate for most crimes and how to bully you into finding me high-res photos. MWAH!

3. You bake lovely, amazing cakes. You should have your own television show, where you seduce everyone with baked goods and your amazing tits. 

4. The Venn diagram of who we are each attracted to would basically be a perfect circle with only slivers on each side. on one would be my Draco, Lucky Blue...on the other would be yours, and because we are in polite company I won’t mention his age. (I also won’t mention his name, because I’ve already forgotten, since mine is better)

5. The day you finally write a fic, my life will be complete. I’ll probably pee my pants again reading it, because I know you will kill me with your scintillating calf-wanking. 

Happy New Year Norry! I hope you are cozy and happy and you are able to sleep tonight! If If find you online late, I’m going to bomp you on the nose!

EDIT: I FORGOT YOUR RIBBON! It’s coming! Scrambles, shit falling of my desk...it’s here somewhere...just need to wrap it...

[ncartistry1]

Oh, Pandemic, You Little Rascal...

Always pay attention to what is going on around you and keep your eyes up because the moment you become wrapped up in your own mess... POW, Global fucking pandemic motherfuckers!!!!! Yea.

I really thought this year would be going quite a bit differently right about now. I did get a new apartment of my own. I am still getting divorced. But now because Earth decided to remind us who's boss, my stupid ass allowed my soon-to-be ex-husband to move in as well so he is still living with me. By the way, moving during this time was in no way an easy task. And if that isn't bad enough, it gets even better! My teenage stepson's mom had him removed from her home to a shelter because she couldn't handle him, then lied about her custody of him, had him removed again within hours of him returning, and was possibly going to be placed in foster care. So in rides Nichole with her stupid giant heart and says he needs to come back and live with us too!

I have always felt the need to help people, no matter how they have treated me in the past I feel like I am meant to help as much as I can. Now I am helping the man I am divorcing get full custody of his son. I feel like such a fool and this situation is all sorts of messed up, but I can't shake the feeling that I need to so this. Luckily the crazyass, whorebag, fucktard of a mother is making this easy.

Divorces and child custody don't have to be this hard all the time. The whole child support system is a fucking joke as well. It is possible to not hate each other after a break up or divorce. It is possible to coparent, be civil with each other, come up with a support system that benefits the child rather than the parents, and even remain friends afterwards! Move on, people. Focus on the present and the future.

I'm really not sure where I was going with this. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. But I'm still moving forward. Wear a mask in public. Wash your damn hands. Stay safe. And though I've probably not said it to any of the people I should have, just know that I care about you and I love you.

[whatsthedealpinwheel]

shit my dad says. ooooh look at me I've got a freaking lighter said the toaster Yeah shut up I want food We'll have a complete Skank off. You know why mine look good?cause they're not fucking there (about randys tattoos) Its ric wih matt flair! Whats his brothers name? Letter opener? Sexual Almond Turner! I just want to return these tools into your head Edward thinks of nothing but murder all day Time to take a dirt nap! Dirt nap village I could think of better metaphors.... Fucking homocidal Angry squared Good morning percy Good morning ass hole Moo juice Did you know big show can fit miz's entire head in his mouth So bitchin' Im pretty and ill kill you. I ate your children alive; didn't you hear them screaming? Brian; If they mispell his name it'll say brain! Nothing says whorebag like holes in your pants (when you purchase them) Whats his new name blackasaurus Its hard to be a creepy attacker when all you see is pain. The wheels on the bus grind up little children on the pavement Thats what happens when you fold your child up in the changing table. I wanna go to a place were they have hail this big, will that give you a concussion? More like a conclusion. You know i have a knife in ny hand right? Cat full of tables Angria I drink to keep my homocidal urges in check, you asshole They dont wanna see you blathering in the ring, they wanna see you lathering so lets bring down the big tub and watch them really get gay. Now we have to live in a cardbord box in the parking lot of the liquor store The coat hanger is still stuck in his head from the failed abortion My murdered neighbors Do you know that creepy show my mom watches? You should cause your on it! I forgot the tp again! Here honey come have a kiss, blehhhhhhcufhfhsnnsj djcjcnd oh sorry did you drown) That goes to show you you can escape the nazis and still die, if your lucky the crows will pluck your eye from your skull Yes she has a sternum Samoan sickening machine Chris asshole mind fuck Good fuck you morning asshole Jamaican me crazy. Whats it smell like kofi kingstons ass? Mike yetter on the big fish(bass) Tansqeesha Fagin fag like to kiss other men in the locker room in front of men who dont kiss other men-briel Hi im paris who do you want dead I wonder how much he weights Step on the aquarium and see Just what i wanna do pay for clymidia Ow, my life Ive always wanted to be in a band called nun stabber Great your a maraca Big papa dump Surprise sleepover. What she means by that is hello im here to rape you Vintage sasquatch He looks like Alice coopers grandfather Swinging a flag is a lot like playing guitar probably shouldnt do it in the living room Dads sleeve it would say fuck you and your mom and anyone else that didn't think you were a piece of shit Pizza tracker let's you know what lesbian has been working on your pie. Have you ever heard the expression blood bath If I wanted you to shut up I'd stomp on your head till you did And crack! Which Is exactly what he's smoking. What? Crack. Who who what are your a fuckin owl? You look like drew Macintyre bro And her skank team partner If I was blind I'd still hate you. .fuckingcom World war .5 Did you say rammadan? Unfuckular It's like an apple pie accept its lubricated with your blood. Dismembered the corpse!!!! You fucking dinosaur Just imaging Michael cole ass raping himself with his slammy Daddy come in the water! Thunk! Daddy my skull is broken I see says the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw He didn't want syfilis on contact You know their biggest song is about statutory rape right? Yes we're arguing over cream cheese. It's still warm almost like you found a corpse Maybe it's the cat your strangling What's this beauty and the breast? I spy with my little eye something red headed and angry Fuckin fuck fuck fuckin fuck -love dad baby shredder hi hitler! mangled baby ducks dripping from my jaws oh Paris I love you now let me fuck with your shit you'll never see a bag from Claire's that says I just got a prince Albert see your a poet and I didn't even kill you time to play spaceman! I've had surgery. 5 times in my fucking contact lensed eyes I'm not even Mexican I'm just a midget those damn jews I wish someone would round them up and put them in camps so they can concentrate! your meat kind of dulls my blade stop fagstin suckbriel omg it's William regal and he's getting syphillis by contact! 7 tiny wookies named Michelle I wanna shirt that says John laurenituss swallows shoveling their bodies into the furnace you fuck with me and now I'm pissed off and wanna kick you in the dick you hide under the wheels of the train and I'll tell it to start moving Thomas chugged beer at the party? he was so happy he went into a closet and shot himself soon Thomas was assassinated by his friends what if you inhale liquid does it stay in your lungs? yes that's when you die if your gonna be dickadile I'll be tiny nigger why didn't you graduate? I was Rollin a joint. ok next be captain pike for Halloween oh what are you? beep. they need to bring out jr in a wheelchair beep an it'll be barbie cue sauce running out of his ears nostrils mouth Phil the fucker upper why don't you choose not to be bitch ww blur My job is to murder children. Shut up Remember in crash team racing when you would get. Most juiced up? That's what randy would get: Cm punk meet my cm junk Chincko you know the game on price is right There once was a woman from Venus Who's body was shaped like a ... I painted a big fuckig swastika cause I feel like hurding you all Ito an oven and melting down the gold that's in your teeth Does his head turn into a coach at midnight How can you stand being around yourself Is that when pooh bear raps and pops a couple of caps in someone's ass. It's right here right next to my tounge (Captain Kirk) Planet Sluturn There's always 1 girl not 0 not 2. That's so they don't think they're gay or taking turns on the unfortunate orphan Your synapses must be snappin' AARP American assoiciation of retarded people Cinderella 4 Las Vegas prostitute years Alls that's left is the choo choo train shit Bell. Shoe. Fuck you

[floral-and-fading17]

PFFT HORNY JAIL FOR JESPER-

I am not over the fact that Jesper didn’t realise he’d met Wylan before until he was literally on top of him. He didn’t recognise his one night stand until he was On Top Of Him,,,, that’s the angle he had to have to remember his face,, there’s only one image that’s fitting for this.