#you know. sad day i think its why i blog so much is bc i dont like when i do or think things and theres no evidence of it occuring

[itsalwaysdark]

ive gotta stop starting so many posts with 'also' like they r not continuations of conversations or whathaveyou generally

[haerni]

OH MY GOD, “who is he? ”

summary: feels like you’re fallin’ deeper & maybe you’re going crazy, right? does he want you or not? he’s so confusing!

ft. park sunghoon (based on ‘OMG’ by newjeans!)

content: fem! reader, tooth-rotting fluff, a lil bit of hurt comfort, sunghoon is that confusing guy, mutual pining, reader is a bit embarrassing i think? sunoo your support system! 1.8k words

— very very minimal proofread and editing bc ive only done this in one sitting (help me).

( 🍃 ) notes: this took me so long omfgsbks but here we are with my very first content on this blog, please be nice TT sunghoon might be ooc saur.. theres that! can u tell i love sunoo, i have to sneak him in. maybe the story will jump for awhile so sorry for that also.

you've probably liked PARK SUNGHOON for almost half of your life.

ever since he sat with you at the swing from the park you used to go to when you were kids and offering his own comfort when you were crying on that day, to this day forward when he offers his shoulder for you to cry on.

he never questions the reasons behind your cries, he never pushes and all he does is sit there and offer you whispers of solace that you take to heart.

because your best friend wouldn't want the worst for you.

because all he does is care for you.

and maybe—just maybe—you hate him a little for it, for doing things that make your heart flutter, for simply just touching your hair and pulling you closer hoping that it will quell the sadness that consumes you. or when he would walk with you home after his practice despite being tired and run down to the bones, he would never miss a day. or when he would call you such sweet things like you are together when you aren't.

or when one time he heard through jay how someone was making passes on you and disgusting comments about you, he comes home with a bruised lip and wounded knuckles. he refused to let you see him, not until you forced your way to his room with the first aid kit his mother let you borrow, because he also wouldn't let her treat him.

or when you can't even pretend to be okay in the sea of bodies in a party and he notices right away. he drags you by your hand and drags you out of the party without a care for anyone. he only tells you that he hates the party and would rather eat out in a convenience store nearby.

he holds your hand tightly, you knew that night you loved park sunghoon more than you could ever imagine.

a decade into your friendship, you fell in love with your best friend, park sunghoon.

you did your best to hide it, to keep these emotions at bay and lock away into the very bottom of your heart. you swallow the bubbling feeling in your throat whenever he's close. you did your very best to preserve the relationship the both of you built together. even if all you wanted was just ruin it and become something more.

loving park sunghoon was easy, it was easy as the breeze that touched your hair, it was easy as falling into a routine of living and looking forward to days when he's with you. the prospect of loving sunghoon comes naturally and you don't know how to stop it. it just grows more everyday and suddenly you find yourself in garden of flowers blossoming in your heart, so much that's its starting to flow out little by little and you're slipping, you're heart is becoming unguarded, the walls you've spent all your life building is chipping away slowly.

it's becoming suffocating, it's hard to breathe around him.

the passing touches, the stolen glances and brief silence has been occurring more and more.

it's only a matter of time, before someone catches on. unfortunately, that time is right now.

"what's with you and sunghoon, lately?" your friend, sunoo asks, "did you guys have a fight?"

a second passes before you answer him, "we did not. why do you ask?"

sunoo sits closer to you and puts his face on his palm, "you have been avoiding him."

you stopped, "no, i'm not."

"it's lunch and you're sitting here with me in the library, working on an assignment that's not due until next week, when you usually never miss eating when he comes by our room to eat with you." he pointed out.

too specific. were you that predictable? and when you don't answer sunoo realizes something. when his eyes widen too much for your comfort that's when you interject from whatever train of thought he had.

"or maybe—"

"i don't know what you are talking about, sunoo."

"you're avoiding him.."

"i already told you, i'm not—!"

"sure, keep telling yourself that." sunoo snorts at that, "i know you like him and not how a best friend should."

you can't breathe again, you were absolutely done for. because sunoo was right, he got the answer right and you couldn't find it in yourself to quip back at him. you can't find it in yourself to deny and brush it off, because it's simply not real, it's not what your heart is telling you. maybe, that was your last straw.

maybe that was all it needed for you to let out your heart just for once and face the reality.

you don't want sunghoon as a best friend.

the realization hits harder when someone utters it out, because you have lived all your life hiding and suddenly, it pours out like rain after a long unending drought.

now here you are. in the porch of your house under the moonlight with you encased in sunghoon's arms, because you were stupid enough to go out and try to forget about him, to go see other people and hope that you can lose all these feelings you have for him. it didn't, maybe it never will. a boy, somehow he's the same height and stature as sunghoon it was enough for you to agree for a dinner out.

it was stupid to begin with. you didn't even know this guy's name (you can't even bother to remember). because while you sat there and tried to engage with him, your mind drifted far on how he does not have the same moles as sunghoon, he does not make you laugh like sunghoon does, maybe he would've took you out to that ramen place you always go to after a long day instead of this fancy restaurant that you don't even know. quite sure enough that guy only talked about himself, you didn't listen.

"so are we going?" he gives you an all-knowing smile and as you try to turn him down a voice comes in.

"she's not going with you." you look behind, and there he stands one hand in his pocket wearing a white button-up shirt that you haven't seen before, a cold gaze accompanying it and his hair done all too perfectly—like he was on a date.

"hey! who do you think you are?" sunghoon ignores him as he offers his hand to you. tilting his head in question. you did not hesitate to grab it. it's almost a curse for him to know when you need him the most.

you can feel the heat rising up in your body as he intertwines both of your hands and gives it a squeeze.

he brings you home, like how he promised your dad when you were sixteen.

you bite your lips in hopes of suppressing all the emotions running down on you. but you can't really do that in front of sunghoon, can you?

you broke down.

and sunghoon was there—it was enough. it was enough for everything to pour out.

"i'm tired, hoon." his arms tighten around you, burying his face to your hair, almost as if he's kissing it in comfort.

you're tired? is it because of that guy? should he beat him up? you wouldn't like it anyway, so he erase the thought. park sunghoon has never hated anyone more than that jerk right now. he curses that stupid guy who made you like this.

"i hate you park sunghoon."

"you don't mean that."

you don't.

"i really really hate you." you were probably the worst to utter such words to him. to your best friend, to sunghoon out of all people. but you can't stop. "you're so stupid, stupid."

it takes him back, he didn't expect for you to be mad at him. he's silent for a moment as he continues to hold you like you're going to disappear.

"how am i stupid, baby?" there he goes again with those stupid nicknames.

you refuse to look at him, burying your face to his nape. and when you don't answer he talks for you.

"do you hate me that much for you not to look at me?" you really hate park sunghoon.

he sighs at the lack of your response. he shakes his head before he turns his face closer to your ear, "what am i gonna do, baby? you hate me, but i like you so much."

what? what the fuck?

that makes you widen your eyes processing what he just said as you sit up straight and facing him. and it makes him laugh a little, he probably shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. not when you're this adorably looking at him like you can't believe it.

"don't joke about things like that park sunghoon!"

wow, using his government name? "you don't believe me?" you don't answer. "why do you think i came to that awful restaurant wearing this shirt?" you knew it was new, you've never seen him wear it.

"because you want to fit it?" you answer.

"that too," he laughs, "and because you didn't eat lunch with me, you didn't walk home with me. i heard from sunoo, that you were out with someone and you didn't dress up because of me. you were on a date and it wasn't me. you were avoiding me, baby."

he looks at you and it hurts because both of you are a fucking idiot. all this time, sunghoon liked you.

park sunghoon likes you.

"how long?" and you can't help it, you have to know.

he thinks for a second, "hm.. since when you were on that swing? i thought you were pretty." he smiles so easily.

oh my god.

you buried your face once more, not really knowing what to do, because for the longest time you thought you were the only one feeling this way.

but sunghoon understands, he continues to talk, "jay thinks i'm obsessed with you. he's not wrong, you know? you don't have to say anything right now, i know you're having a har—"

you kissed him. park sunghoon is really an idiot. how can you not like him? how can anyone not even like him? he's so stupid. sunghoon's eyes widen a bit, but melts into your touch as quickly.

god, was this really happening? please don't ever wake him up if this is a dream.

you pulled away for a breather and he reached for another one causing you to block his lips with your hand.

feeling the blood in your cheeks, flustered as sunghoon kisses your palm instead. his hand coming up to yours to remove it.

"can i kiss you again?" you were going to die, "please?" you're sure of it.

"no!"

sunghoon laughs at that. you can't feel it, but his cheeks are really hurting now from smiling. maybe one day you'll let him kiss you more, but for now this is enough.

he has loved you almost all of his life.

𖹭 likes and reblogs are highly appreciated! i hope he is not too out of character :')

[nc-vb]

𝐎' 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐧, 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞

So... this is a culmination of that monster dream I had a few weeks back, and the weed-induced dream I had of Ayato a couple of nights ago, that no one asked for, nor was it even in my wips until two days ago... yeah. Uh, it didn't exactly go in the direction I was meaning to send it, but I think it's still good enough to post. Haha.

pairing -> body-snatched!kamisato ayato x afab!reader

warnings -> 18+ (minors & blank blogs dni), afab/fem-bodied reader + no pronouns used (unless i missed any, pls lmk); modern Genshin AU, major character "death" + mild description of a dead body; mild-yandereism + identity theft (is not a joke); noncon -> dubcon segue (agreement/contract involvement); mild smut (honestly like barely, ok), tentacles... not beta'ed.

notes -> "Ayato" is a body-snatching shapeshifter w/tentacles bc my dream told me so. -> it & he pronouns are used interchangeably-- "it" for the body-snatcher & "he" for "Ayato". -> italics are used for when it is specifically the "creature" speaking; normal text is for when the "creature" is using Ayato's voice.

word count -> 6.2k

No matter how stubborn you could be, the creature knew you would never be able to hold out against him indefinitely. Lately, you seemed intent on treating him no differently than a housefly, like some pest that needed to be swatted away— ignoring him when he hovers almost too closely behind you to watch you complete a task, ignoring him when he watches you bathe, when he watches you change clothes, just watching, it seems, all done to discomfort you, you’re sure, for to speak is to grant permission.

He knows you can see him, though. And the times he made it so you couldn’t see him were the times he enjoyed you most.

When you met his eye for the first time, it had been less than two weeks after the funeral service you’d attended. The sad, sorry part of your mind would tell you that you’d finally snapped; that the news and the loss and the forced acceptance of your fiancé’s death finally embraced the effects of the sheer insanity you’d been forced to engage in. An assassination? Despite the overwhelming proof, it’d been too much to try and accept so soon. By the time you bothered to, it arrived.

Maybe it was for the pure shock and awe of things, why it arrived carrying Ayato’s stiffened body in its numerous arms in the dead of night, like it only waited for you to turn the lights on in your formerly shared home so you could tie up the garbage bag and drag it to the curb— it waited for you, so you could see with your own two eyes as it absorbed the love of your life into the blackness of its own body. You’d only just begun to grieve. So why? Why… something so awful? So horrific? And why couldn’t it just finish the job?

Thinking back on the incident, you clearly lost your mind; not checking into a hospital’s psych ward for an obvious psychotic break was a mistake, wasn’t it? Maybe that had been the case before it proved itself to not be a hallucination from over-exhausting yourself. You’re stuck, now, latched onto by this being all because you acknowledged it once as your former lover— you’re stuck, and you know it. It knows this, too.

At half after five in the evening, you’d finally returned home from your place of work, the rush hour traffic at least a little forgiving on behalf of you and your sore feet. But rather than take an immediate break as you wish you could’ve, and as the creature expected and hoped that you would, you’d trudged into your room to change, only to stumble back to the kitchen to begin tackling last night’s dishes that needed soaking after you’d had the oven on too high, only reminded of them after catching a whiff of burnt food from your attempt at a veggie deep dish.

If it wasn’t such an awful smell, I’d have left it, you think, draining the overnight water into the “dirty” half of your dual sinks. But I can’t afford to be distracted.

You don’t even need to raise your head to know that the shadow looming over half of the kitchen belonged to the creature. You do your best not to react, not to look up at it and see just what kind of face it wears behind your back. Its own, or… Ayato’s.

“Perhaps I should have tossed the thing and done you a favour. Then you could put all of your focus into ignoring me the second you walked through that door rather than tending to such a tedious chore...”

Save for its eyes, the creature is mostly formless, able to twist and contort its obsidian-shaded body in all the ways the physics of reality should and do deem perverted. But those lilac eyes it wore, like a trophy of sorts, could not be touched, the “windows to the soul”. You’d wished this weren’t the case. You wish it would’ve “taken” his eyes, too. You wish that you wouldn’t have to see them again— not like this, anyway.

In forcing away a particularly stubborn piece of broccoli with your steel wool scrubby, your own eyes teary and burning, your elbow rams itself into the waist of the creature hard enough that you flinch; he, however, chuckles in faux discomfort.

“Ouch,” the creature says. “Though I can appreciate just how much energy you’re putting into cleaning this dish, you might end up injuring yourself, while you’re at it… Calm down, dear one.”

Don’t call me that, your thoughts hiss, and you only wish he’d been the type of creature who could read minds. Don’t call me that with his voice.

What on earth is with this strange concern of his— ah, its…? If anything, it’s only done you more harm than good— receiving such warm regards by something that shouldn’t exist by any means, using someone’s voice that should no longer have one, and yet it’s attached itself to your home like black mold— to you, like some true fungus. And somehow, it still allows you to leave it, believing in your return.

Is it because it absorbed Ayato? Whatever similarly human feelings it displayed for you must be because of this, must be because it has taken on his former memories and thoughts, his former feelings— at least, every science fiction movie you’d ever watched encourages this belief. So then, it must also mean that this is why you keep returning to your home, because despite such an impossible situation, this creature still has his body; it still defiled Ayato’s grave to retrieve it and claim it like a prize…

Really, what was stopping you from leaving and never coming back? No other person had been around that it could bother to threaten in order to keep you shackled to it— not that you received many guests ever, anyhow, but the mere mention of “plumbing issues” had been enough for your family and coworkers to steer clear of your home. It had never displayed any signs or actions of malice; it never made to harm you nor even the random strangers who would approach your home with their business agendas, and not even the sweet Shiba Inu pup you and Ayato purchased just months before his untimely passing.

What agenda did it have, itself, then?

“What a sour expression you’re making. Oh, if only I could read your mind, my love,” the creature laments. You rinse the scrubbed away food from within the dish before submerging it in the opposite, sud-filled sink— the current the movement creates beneath the foam has it slam into the sides.

You sure you’re not playing dumb? you think, embittered by the coincidence.

“Then I might know of the hate you covet behind those beautiful eyes of yours for me— the hate, and perhaps, the depravity.”

My ass. It takes every inch of willpower stored up within you during your time away not to slam the dish into the draining rack.

“Perhaps you think of me as often as I think of you while you’re away. I know I was never present when I was… well… you know.”

The creature shifts, carrying the wind with it when it leans further over the counter. You do your best not to move, other than in regards to your dishwashing, focusing whilst reciting an ad-libbed internal monologue on the history of glass-blowing— the molten glass, with a consistency of molasses, gathers at the end of a hollow pipe to be inflated to a bubble, where it is then formed by blowing, swinging, or rolling along a smooth marver — whatever you could remember from the old How it’s Made television show that would pop up on one of those free cable channels as a kid. It does little to distract you from the warmth now curled against your spine or the strangely comforting scent it suddenly begins exuding, such a familiarly sweet spiciness that has you breathing in just a little deeper—

You shake yourself out of your stupor, wincing. Thankfully, it isn’t full-bodied.

“Perhaps you think of me as deeply as I do of you… And isn’t it just so kind of me to allow you to leave this place and return, as if nothing? “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”— you humans and your silly little phrases. I quite like this one, though.”

There is another shift, one that moves into and past your peripheral vision in front of you— two black tendrils, dark as the charr you’d just discarded, dark as the rest of him, creep toward where your hands remained busied rubbing away bits of florets of broccoli from your colander beneath running cold water, and tear the dish away from you to rinse, himself.

“I do believe I’ve been quite patient for you,” he whispers from above you, voice still carrying into your ears from a distance. You watch the water from the tap roll over the tendrils as they twist beneath it, another desperate attempt to remain distracted. “I’ve kept my “hands to myself" and minded your privacy per our agreement…”

The tendril releases its grip on the colander, placing it loudly into the draining rack. You jump.

“But the longer you choose to ignore me, the more severe your circumstance at the end of our agreement will be.” You fear your lip will split with how hard you bite down on it is. “I now ask of you… to amend our agreement. To add another clause to it, even.”

It doesn’t continue speaking. It won’t be the first to do so now. Even the strange hum-like purr from deep within its chest cavity ceases. And you know why. This isn’t an offer. It’s an ultimatum. It’s the true meaning behind “fuck around and find out” to the nth degree. The longer you choose to ignore this creature, whatever secret plan it had in store for you would only be made worse by your stubbornness. You also know what it means for you if you do speak.

Your original agreement was simple: allow the creature to remain at your side, within the confines of your home; to share the same space you and Ayato once shared; converse and engage with it, and in return, it won’t harm you. But after spending the past few months forced into an exchange of dialogue that had you on the verge of tears whenever it spoke in Ayato’s voice, you could barely bring yourself to get a word out besides the odd, dry response to appease it, until radio silence.

The creature didn’t like this. Still, it never resorted to violent acts to frighten you. As if it drew inspiration from Ayato’s memories, it followed you through the halls and rooms of your home, keeping a conversation going one-sidedly, and studied your expressions and body language to its heart’s content. Whenever you expressed annoyance, anger, or petulance, this had been something Ayato did while alive, too, until you would cave in and discuss the problem.

It wants me to renege our contract? you bite back the scoff that tries bubbling out of your throat. What worse can it do than keeping me an emotional prisoner?

Because as much as you do wish you could flee, this creature still has Ayato’s body. Your Ayato. It has his voice, and his eyes. How can I possibly abandon him twice?! You find your brain is close to tearing from the weight of each choice hanging from either half— renege, or take whatever consequences might eventually come out of your refusal.

You grit your teeth and reach for the hand towel you’d tossed onto the clean part of your counter prior to starting, pat your sudsy hands dry, and turn on the spot. You don’t immediately look to the creature, your gaze focused on any other part of him— its narrow-but-still-large waist, its broad chest, the tendrils floating through the air from all part of its body, wiggling and writhing with such eagerness that makes you writhe uncomfortably in return.

Your esophagus burns, bile threatening to rise and spew out on an almost dramatic scale, when your eyes finally meet. They still belonged to the man you once loved, after all. To see them free-floating within the voidal mass has been… an incontrovertible pain to be felt.

Its eyes narrow down at you, too obviously pleased by your submission through its intense and perverse stare. You know it’s just thriving; simply by making itself tall enough to look down at you (by nearly four of your own heads) provided it with the control over you it so obviously desired. Despite the forms you’d seen it take, “human” was never one of them— until you submitted, you don’t think it would bother. Not until you submitted.

All of which, explains your confusion, as the creature before you starts to morph.

You’d never seen it happen first-hand; it had always been while you were away at work or to run errands (the only two tasks it permitted you to perform as it meant keeping you alive) or while you slept, both circumstances meant to provide shock and awe (questionable) to its target (read: victim). And yet, in all of its threatening forms, it never once harmed you. Too obviously so, it yearns for you, and it still does, hence its desire to have you change the agreement.

The first night it appeared, it made this known through its visceral ignorance of your personal space— standing before it now, closely enough that you could feel its warm breath bear down on your neck where it indulges in you — you, your own human warmth, your scent, the pulse hidden beneath your jawline — you’ve only allowed it to do so again.

“The amendment,” you say, your voice catching from its disuse. “What… what is it.”

The creature smiles at you, a barely noticeable split appearing where its mouth should be. Strangely, it’s one full of mirth, of relief that you’d consider its new proposition.

“First,” it says, that strange purring in its chest beginning once more. “Revoke our current agreement. One cannot be made as another exists.”

You refrain from sighing at it, and instead draw your arm up from where it’d been tucked between your bodies, recalling how the previous deal had gone down— an exchange of handshakes. “Fine. I… I revoke our current agreement.”

Your first mistake.

The creature chuckles almost excitedly, and it draws your gaze up from your own hand to look to him, eyes wide with expectant fright when its tendrils rise altogether. “Excellent.”

“W-Wh—”

There’s simply too many to count, too many to try and evade or fight off when they curl and unfurl toward your flailing limbs. You’d turned at the last possible second in an attempt to break past the barricade it’d managed to create with its body, even bothering to half-climb the counter for a height advantage against it. The tendrils free-floating near its head reach out for your waist, wrap around it and tug, dragging your one leg bent along the counter’s surface away and along with the rest of your air-suspended body.

“S-Stop!” you shriek, your panic clear and evident in your expression and tone, in the way your arms flail around to squeeze at the closest tendril, in the way your nails dig as deeply as your flesh would allow to no obvious effect. “Let go of me—”

“______, I thought you loved me,” the creature nearly trills; you’d caught the way Ayato’s voice warbled out of pitch with what you could recall the creature’s original voice to sound like. “We’re getting married next month, aren’t we?”

You tremble in its grasp, your eyes quickly filling with tears of frustration. Its hold on you is unrelenting, but not painful— it only restricts your movements and prevents any semblance of freedom as the rest of the tendrils join in, wrapping around your middle and pulling you into it— i-into, into h-him?

“______, dearest.” Ayato calls out to you, his kind lilac eyes shadowed by his pale blue bangs— not only would the creature intend on violating your — broken — agreement, but it would defile Ayato’s memory, your last memory of him. Hands still freed, you brace yourself against the creature’s body and meet his stare, and the tears accumulated on your waterline finally fall. “Why do you cry?”

You sniff loudly; Ayato reaches over your lap to grab the small package of tissues tucked into your nightstand’s drawer and hands you one. “Weren’t you watching the same movie as me?!” you weep, your hands rising to press into your eyes.

“Of course, I was, dearest,” he answers. “I chose it, after all.”

“You could have warned me it was going to be sad!”

“I-In hindsight, I suppose it would have been smart of me to warn you, but I just didn’t wish to spoil it for you…”

“I’m not mad or anything; gosh, I just—” your eyes drift down to the end of your bed where Taroumaru watches the two of you, only whimpering when you meet his eyes, and your eyes begin to water again. “I could’ve used a warning…”

Ayato pats his lap once, and ever faithful, Taroumaru rises to lay across yours— Ayato knows that when your cries grow a little louder, it’s out of relief for their tag-teamed comfort, and you squirrel a little deeper into his chest.

“Hm… Wasn’t that one line nice?” Ayato hums, only to rest his cheek atop your head. “You should never forget anyone you have loved”… If Hachi wasn’t the embodiment of loyalty, I couldn’t say what else is.”

“… h-he really was so loyal,” you say, voice muffled by his sweater.

“Then why do you cry, dearest?” Ayato thumbs away the freshly fallen tears. “What can I do?”

“... you can let go of me.”

You’d stilled, hands still resting upon its voidal form— once more, you avoid its eyes, Ayato’s eyes, because beyond it is the pale flesh of Ayato’s face; seeing it and knowing what truth exists for it is too much to bear.

They creep up carefully, these smaller tendrils that have deviated from the one curled around you, slithering across your cold, trembling skin with an unfortunate vigor until they reach your neck, your chin, your lips— you shudder, eyes squeezed shut when your head is tilted up and forward.

“Do you no longer value my loyalty?” it inquires in Ayato’s voice. You leap in its grasp when what feels like a thumb swipes across your lower lip before it rubs away a fallen tear. “It’s all I’ve wanted since my death… to return to you… to prove my loyalty… to show you I haven’t abandoned you.”

“You’re not him. You’re not Ayato. Y-You’re not… what I want, I-I don’t want your loyalty!”

“Isn’t this enough?” Two “hands” take hold of either side of your face and force you to face him. “Isn’t it enough to see his face and hear his voice?”

“They should still be buried six feet beneath the cold earth!” you shout at it. “What you’ve done to his body…! There’s nothing loyal about it! What the hell are you that you can’t comprehend this?!”

“I… I am… Kamisato Ayato.”

Is it… confusion? Is it instinct? It never explained why and how it chose your fiancé out of every other corpse that lies in that graveyard. Had it been because he was the newest to be lain there? More nefariously, did it see you and stake a claim on you?

“You… are not him,” you spit. “You stole him. Get…” You raise an arm, the only free one, to try and rake at the creature’s face. Instead, it grabs your wrist and forces your palm flat against its cheek. “… get… off… s-stop—”

“I have Kamisato Ayato’s mind,” the creature says. “I have his voice. I have his face— his whole body. Now, I have the human he loved. How… am I not Kamisato Ayato?”

A sob trapped in your throat escapes you, fuelled by the creature’s sudden decision to begin morphing again. It shrinks, though not by much, and the pale flesh of Ayato’s skin spreads lower, down its neck, into its broad chest, into its arms and torso, lower and lower and lower— your trailing eyes snap upward and away as it manifests all of Ayato’s former self. He is naked, unlike the way you saw him that night it appeared to you by the curb, cradling your dead lover in its arms.

“Do you not miss him?” the creature asks. “His voice? His face? Are you not… loyal?”

“S-Stop.”

“Do you not miss his touch?” Ayato’s hand squeezes yours. “You loved these hands… and he… thought about it so often…”

“S… stay out of his memories—”

“— thought about you so often—”

“— get out—”

“He loves you dearly. When I claimed his body… and assimilated with him… it was his last thought before his death.”

“— no… I—”

“He could not tell you then, and so I…” The creature’s hold on you slackens, allowing you to rest on your bare feet again, but despite your adrenaline, your knees buckle— instead, the creature raises two thicker tentacles to hold you up beneath your arms, Ayato’s hands still cupping your face.

Don’t say it, your thoughts plead.

“I love you.” Lilac eyes flicker between your teary ones and your trembling lips. “He… I… I love you…”

Ayato dips his head low to capture your lips, this time, and easily spreads yours apart to slot his own between them. You grab for him, fingers squeezing along the length of his forearms from his wrists, traveling quickly up the naked expanse of his chest and up to his face where your fingers curl beneath his jaw to hold him closer.

Oh, god… what am I doing?

“You—” your mumbling against its lips is nothing more than a nuisance to it; this, you know, by its insistent attempt to shove its long tongue into your mouth to silence you “— are not my Ayato…” Gently but firmly, you shove him away with a sharp exhale. Ayato licks his lips. “… but you have him, and that has to be enough for me… or I’ll lose my mind. You aren’t going to let me go, I… I know this! And so I… I have to accept this… but…!”

The creature draws back, its eyes so focused and trained on you that it becomes less unsettling, and more so embarrassing after you’d allowed it to kiss you.

“Don’t think of this like that,” it says, once more reverting to using Ayato’s voice rather than its own pattern of trilling and warbling. “This is a second chance with your beloved Ayato. Is this not what you’ve dreamt of?”

Another tentacle emerges, wriggling around from behind Ayato’s back to press against your abdomen. Through your teeth, you seethe.

“S-Seeing his face and body being used by some… tentacle m-monster—” you inhale sharply, the tendril’s reach extending into the pant leg of your shorts; it squirms itself past the hemline of your panties with clear intent, and curls in time to dip into you. “W-Why…!?”

Ayato hums disapprovingly as it twists in your entrance.

“You’re too dry down there, dear,” he notes, his own human-like hands falling to hold your hips, thumbs rubbing the line of your waist with anticipatory fervour.

“Why wouldn’t I be,” you demand through your teeth, and when the tendrils push just a little further, your eyes slam shut— you fear not even your glass-blowing knowledge will distract you. “Do you think any of this i-is… a turn on?”

“… I do suppose you have a point.” The tendril retracts completely from you, disappearing behind Ayato’s back; you’d winced. “If I want your understanding, your… affection… I don’t think we’ll be able to proceed with anything but him present. So, I will wait my turn.”

Somehow, the creature manages to shrink down to a more human form, this time, the same height of Ayato’s own body. Your fears shift priorities. The eyes that once contained so much adoration for you that now held inhuman perversion; the flesh that would warm your own so easily, now cooled and pale, not even bordering life and death when his body already met and crossed its threshold; the hands that once cradled you so delicately, so intently— you fear the truth in the creature’s words: With Ayato present, you know it will get what it wants.

“Why,” you start, hands shakily rising to try to push his thin wrists away when his hands slide down your thighs, dragging your shorts and undergarments down with you. While alive, Ayato had been averagely strong, yet you were still able to put up a fight in times where it mattered— too much teasing, too many tickles. This strange, gentle strength the creature displays while in his form doesn’t even allow you to budge a finger of his— “why me? W-Why Ayato? I-I don’t—” and as a result, your clothes are dropped to your ankles.

“Going after this man was not so specific, you must understand,” Ayato says, his fingers skirting across your abdomen, your body twitching at each touch. “My kind simply are attracted to the warmest body.”

“A-Ayato was dead,” you try to reason awhile pinning your shirt at your side— his eyes flit up to yours, lidded in a silent warning. Hands off. You lose your hold, lips spreading thin as they instead reach to hold the counter behind you almost bruisingly tight. “… he was dead… h-he was cold—”

“I did not mean him. Choosing which body to inhabit comes down to how soon after it dies— how much time has passed since they took their last breath. Crossing paths over his ceremonial burial had been a coincidence; it could have been any other body newly buried in that cemetery.”

Frustrated, flustered, and confused, the creature deigns to continue its explanation.

“You deceased humans are either burned or buried, and when you are buried, your organs are preserved during the embalming process. It is sometimes difficult to find humans so recently intact; many times, the organs are missing from their bodies for donation to other humans. When we inhabit their cold bodies, they never feel the same warmth they would while alive— their hearts do not beat, so their blood does not circulate, nor is there any blood to circulate. But they can sense another’s warmth. A lover’s warmth.

“At the time, I still hadn’t fully been able to understand humans and their need for a true connection. My kind doesn’t normally ask politely. But you were there that day— his lover. Your tears, your cries, your warmth, is the reason he was chosen. I desired your warmth. Your love. Your tears. I wanted to sense them for myself.”

“… and you thought using his body for your desire was the best way?” In steeling yourself, you cast a look at the creature, at Ayato, and this time, you don’t bother to attempt to keep the tears at bay.

You really messed up. You knew this earlier, but now... the realization of it just senses like having a sledgehammer connect with the back of your skull, like experiencing severe whiplash or like having been stuck upside down on the loop-de-loop of a rollercoaster— all uncomfortably painful things you pray you never have to experience firsthand. You’ve seen enough painful things play out in the movies and television shows you’ve watched, and so you’ve been fine with playing it safe in recent years— you’ve tempted your god with your arrival far too many times as a teenager and, for the most part, you’d have learned your lesson since.

Almost as if by means of a hallucination, you can just see Them standing in wait for you, at the end of your failed pursuit of euthymia. Breaking your agreement to “coexist” was a catastrophic mistake. Because now, coming to terms and accepting your fate is what your definition of euthymia has turned into. Coexisting is… likely no longer a viable option. It has become almost wholly one-sided, to be caught in a net made of tentacles. To embrace it all as you’d tried to moments before is to turn your back on whatever god you can bring yourself to believe in, to turn your back on your weak idea of overcoming your grief and moving on.

“It is like I already said,” the creature murmurs, much closer to your ear than you cared for, “my kind doesn’t normally ask politely.”

It just doesn’t seem possible anymore.

You feel them before you see them— the tentacles. They extend toward your limbs with a will, curling around each limbs tight enough to elicit a gasp past trembling lips— “Ayato” leans forward into you, forcing your lips apart with an abnormally wet tongue, an abnormally long tongue, that has you wondering if it’s the saliva or its length that chokes you as they both slide down your throat. You squirm in his multi-appended grip, body fruitlessly thrashing against his unmoving form; you can’t even draw your head back with the cool grip he has on either side of your head.

Your gag is loud, messy, and it makes the creature shudder, Ayato’s eyes rolling back slightly when its tongue travels just a little deeper down the back of your throat, swirling and curling along, tasting; testing. Your chest lurches forward, unable to ignore the awful gagging and tickling the creature had been intent to end your life with any longer, and with a sharp gasp, he’d finally retracted it. Your heart seems to race at the same speed your rapid breaths take, and you can’t seem to will it to grow calm again, not when it begins to matter most.

There’s no longer a barrier of clothing barring him from you, your blouse and brassiere lifted away during the brief respite the creature gave you to breathe, tongue extracted quickly and with an all-too unsettling, devil may care expression to match.

It’s unfair, you think, shutting your eyes once more so you don’t have to see it approach you with its tongue again. This is so unfair.

This time, he is gentle, not so intent on stealing your submission and instead curious on how best to earn it— it’s already learned the trick of getting you to respond, the trick being using your former lover’s image to stoke your flames, using his memories to recall what he’d last done for you while in the throes. Strangely, it feels shame for doing so— the last time you’d spent tangled together had been the morning of the incident. Human emotions are… complicated. But it is not without the understanding of loss.

His hand rises to rest along your sternum, a delicate gesture that sends a different kind of tingling down your spine. Your eyes snap open to find Ayato’s staring back at you, and your skin grows hot under his lilac gaze; surprisingly, when you pull away, he allows you to.

“W-Why are you looking at me… like that?” you demand, panting heavily. “S… stop looking at me like that…”

“He loved to look at you,” the creature answers. You swallow harshly. “Out of everything he had and everything he owned, you were his most prized possession. Ah, he also knows you don’t like that word.”

“That’s oddly hypocritical of you to bother saying.”

“… perhaps. But he thought you to be most beautiful. Hm, yes…” The creature’s eyes lower for a moment as if in thought. “Yes; most beautiful.”

Once more do you flush with heat. How cruel.

Still under its hold, the creature feels you go slack rather suddenly— Ayato raises a brow in confusion. Are you planning to give in again? This time, honourably? A part of it wishes you won’t. Not for the sake of winning the fight, but to have won you over. To have earned your loving gaze the way the real Ayato did; to have earned your warmth. It’s aware it may be deluding itself into ever receiving such a gift.

“… all of this has been for your own benefit… with zero consideration of me, the source of that warmth you so desire…” The palm resting at your collarbone travels past it, sliding up the curve of your neck until it reaches behind your head, his fingers running along your scalp as if to soothe. You bite back the whimper that tries to claw its way out of your throat, the anticipation of the creature’s next move almost too much to bear waiting for, and instead of drawing away, you force yourself to lean into his palm.

Ayato’s eyes widen— the creature is sure that if the man before you had any blood still pulsing through his body, he would be flushed pink.

You hate that the feeling of being held this way doesn’t make you angry— the acid in your stomach doesn’t bubble, doesn’t rise up into your throat and burn along the way. And you know why.

What desperation existed after you’d heard the news to find him the day of his attack, to be with him, to help and promise him that he’d be alright, to tell him that “it’s not as bad as it seems” and hold his cheeks with your hand— the guilt of being at his side would eat at you, even up until this moment.

By some sick twist of fate, Kamisato Ayato stood before you once more, offering the forgiveness you would beg any god to receive from him. This creature is not a manifestation of the heavens— this, you also know. Guilty of the crime of body snatching to its apogee but untouchable by humanity’s laws, you were stuck with him. You, the only person made privy to its secret. No longer would you be able to look his sole living kin in the eyes and share your feelings of grief without thinking of the monstrous betrayal of trust you’d just committed by not telling her of such a truth, but Ayaka would never be able to accept such horrendous news. You, alone, are the lucky one, now saddled with the grandest of burdens to bear.

Your mental state already carved as a rickety slope, what is one more notch to its road?

“Have it, then. My warmth.” The creature’s surprise by your words is made obvious by the flickering in his visage; for a moment, the skin of his face goes pitch black, a nod to its natural voidal form, only Ayato’s eyes remaining and seemingly hovering in the center of it. “Our new agreement… whether you’re willing to be capable of it or not… No harm is to come to me nor anyone around me. You can’t leave this apartment, not until I c-can… figure something out. You can’t be seen; Ayato was too well-known.”

“I understand,” the creature says, nodding, and its visage slowly gradients itself back into Ayato’s palette. Bound by the parameters surrounding the creation of your contract with one another, the creature’s tentacles are forced to retract— you ignore the subconscious curiosity that questioned his intent, his next moves, and instead force yourself into collection — while his arms remain on either side of you, pressed into the counter. “But… your exchange… you said I have zero consideration for you. I don’t wish for that to be truth. What… can I offer?”

“Time,” you immediately answer. “Your patience. My pain is overwhelming and you have done nothing but… sow its seeds and encourage the speed of its growth! And don’t manhandle me! That’s the whole reason that first agreement was made. D-Don’t… You can’t do scary things like that anymore, okay?”

“I—” the creature huffs in response, casting Ayato’s gaze down at the floor between you almost… petulantly? He was just chastised, and probably for the first time. “I will refrain.”

You exhale, yourself, adrenaline still coursing through your veins like fire in its attempt to keep you on high alert. It truly took making a deal with the devil to keep it at bay; at least now, you know your general safety is secured.

If I truly have no choice… if this creature were to simply follow me for the rest of my life… at the very least, I’ll live that life on my own terms.

“G-Good,” you nod, turning slowly on the spot to face the small pile of cookware remaining,. “Then… let me finish these dishes… They smell.”

You nearly shrivel up when in the corner of your eye, you see his elbows bending, and soon, you feel its cool breath on the back of your neck before its icy lips land at its curve.

“… that’s not quite the smell I was hoping we’d prioritize, dearest,” Ayato murmurs into it. Another smaller breath escapes you.

How cruel, indeed.

@c-a-v-a-l-r-y @leis-stuff @auraee @rvisn @plinkuro @vcvoxu @minty-vxnilla @ChaoticHearts-19 @stygianoir @imeanwatever @n-akaharachuuya @katelynwithpaint @sadflightlessbirds @sunnyf4lls @mydickisbigger @endlessmari @chocogi @hunterluv @kwelibeeery @okadahimeko @junephantom21 @kom4ya @barbatosfavouritenun @amilium @whorerificstuff @swivy123 @kwelibeeery @keelszet @aikxo @aliensatemymemories @jooniebearsworld @aydene

© nc-vb/niicevibe 2022-2023 please don’t repost! reblogs & comments are always appreciated.

[msperfect777]

https://www.tumblr.com/piercedblunt/722579034865844224/whos-gonna-tell-the-non-dualism-girlies-that?source=share

u might want to see this, it might be abt you

LMAOOOO BYEEEE💀💀 a whole riot about a concept they dont even care about smh why bring so much anger and attention to it then🤡.

they dont get that non dualism has nothing to do w manifesting or loa and the point is to be free from suffering in this “life”. when i learned about non dualism it was not to learn how to “get desires” but to learn how to notice that i am not the human that is feeling pain (as someone who needed to hear it). i fr didnt even know that non dualism was “trending” in the loa community when i learned it and since i understood it and i wanted to reshare the info, i did (bc i can). ig bc it was a “trend” ppl always asked about desires so i mentioned it in my posts.

and the saturating and affirming shit was always talked about in the loa community even wayyy before i learned non dualism so i shared what i learned about my loa experience on there.

if they was so secure in they “law” the they wouldnt be coming at the “non dual girlies”… like the arguing is all forrr whatt?? i got a blog and ima share what i know on it like it aint no problem💀 block me if any of ya got an issue i promise i encourage it😘 now that im rereading it its bc they just dont understand non dualism… u cant talk shit about something u dont even understand bc u just look stupid.

and whats all this push about “loa just being non dualism” if thats the case whats the point of eating ass about it? and “not having faith in loa” like why u such a fan of the type of content i post and why should a stranger care about whether or not im with loa or not💀💀

im even realizing that ppl are using terms of non dualism to mix it up w loa which i think is getting the loa girlies a bit mad but idc.. it got nun to do w me. i actually know how to mind my business. for example tho (ima talk about it bc i can) like before the loa community used to talk about affirming then repetition and saturation and impressing the subconscious mind U DEF CANT LIE THATS DEADASS WHAT THEY TAUGHT💀. and now w non dualism they r using more words like “consciousness” and “ego” more often is what im realizing and how “nothing is real” blah blah even when its wrong to use it in the loa context.

nah but its mad sad tho like why ppl so pressed about a little concept that they dont even agree w or care about smh… bitches is weird these days…

if u got so much faith in the law, why u so threatened when someone talks about something else or “misinterprets loa” like u know the law so stick w it. there no point in getting on ppls dick just for that💀 im actually crying rn this is mad funny.

[literaphobe]

hmmm is there any specific analysis of tvl youve been dying to share but havent been asked about yet?

ok. there’s a lot. but some I don’t want to do right now for SPOILERY REASONS. some of them are as follows:

- the fundamental misunderstanding that passively occurred between tvl ladynoir for most of tvl

- the way tvl chat noir ‘tests’ ladybug throughout the story and why he does what he does and why he behaves in seemingly ‘bizarre’ ways

- a lot of the others r um. I can’t even share the topic regarding it bc you guys haven’t gotten to whatever chapter it’s linked to yet (feel free to ask any questions tho! be it now or after future chapters. that’s usually what awakens the intense TED talks I give about tvl to myself in my head)

right now tho? I want to pick apart tvl adrien being an actor and why that is and why that’s sad and how it came to be

-> like with many parts of tvl! adrien being an actor is sort of thrust upon readers. it’s a story that places a Huge gap between canon and the tvl timeline, and some details can be inferred, but loads of stuff aren’t things a reader can know for sure

-> also, due to the set up of the story, most of the tiny teased bits of info regarding tvl Adrien’s life leading up to and At 23, is largely fed to readers by tvl marinette, and not tvl adrichat himself, despite most of the story being his pov. but the scenes he is allotted are largely those where he Interacts with ladybug, and when he is with her, he doesn’t think of much else, unless it’s specifically relevant (like the love marks conundrum)

-> he just doesn’t unpack his past in his thoughts very much. however much it pains him. because it’s not something he’d prefer to unpack is how ladybug is making him feel and how he feels about her bc she’s Right There and she has this Hold on his heart that he can’t help but fixate over

-> but what you can tell is that he doesn’t really want to be doing his job… rather he sees it as a means to an end. and also an inevitability in a sense 😔 very. You Can Take The Man Outta The City Not The City Out The Man core. it’s. the ones who abuse us can leave but the effects of that abuse aren’t as easy to shake. it’s also. sometimes we wind up doing what we ran away from but we pat ourselves on the back saying it’s different bc we chose it, or it’s not the same because we wound up in a hole two steps away from what we were originally doing and that’s a different hole so it’s okay maybe!. its. was this too hard to break away from? or was it just too easy to go back to because its all we were ever taught?

-> because imagine ur tvl adrien in uni and your friends have always had passions for things that are vaguely related to industries that you suffered in as a kid. your best friend wants to be a dj but he also loves directing and talks so passionately about his favorite films and DREAMS of making One Of The Greats one day. his gf who is also one of your best friends is into journalism and your ex gf who is also one of your best friends loves designing and fashion. and you used to be a model but don’t want to be a model anymore. u make some small movies to help your best friend with his projects for film classes. they’re so fun! you love how it brings you and your friends together. your ex who you never really got over helps make costumes, shyly puts makeup on you, your best friend’s gf promotes it on her massively successful blog. the public mostly cares about it because you were in it and you’re the kind of famous that doesn’t ever go away. you WISH it would go away. but then you try to see the bright side of it. your best friend is so happy people like his short film. he gets an A for the class. you accidentally get another friend even MORE heavily considered for the job she’s been talking about non stop all week because you mentioned knowing her. you get pressured into doing a film because they say they’ll give your best friend an important role on the crew. little by little it all builds up and this is just your career now

-> but you find little ways to take control. you realize you get to decide who works with you and for you and you see your Good Best Friend Ex who just started complaining about how little the internship she’s doing pays. you think you could take away her pain so easily. and it makes it all less painful for you. it’s such an even trade. but then your Partner Against Magic Crime starts taking up more of your time and you realize you WANT all the time that you can get, and having Something To Do In The Day becomes an absolute chore again, and maybe you don’t care how happy it could make the public and how Excited your fans will be

-> this manifests in all the little asides you see in tvl where he Suggests quitting his job all the time and Thinks about it a lot

-> At the same time. who doesn’t wanna quit their job. he’s just a little guy. surely he’s worked enough for several lifetimes

[purplepixel]

Rise fan watched and finished 2012 TMNT

Comparing the first episode to the last is like night and day to me.

2012 did not know who it wanted to be in the beginning but over the course of 5 seasons, it slowly found its footing and its identity. It is an incredibly flawed show both in writing and animation, but it's also really fun. And anytime jj Conway is boarding you KNOW it's going to slap. It does some god awful story choices (why do the characters hate each other at the beginning? why are we pushing karai/Leo? Why are the characters undereating/overreacting to this situation? Why is shredder the most boring villain?) but also does some REALLY COOL THINGS. So many insane plotlines occur and there are some great character moments.

Most people that follow this blog are rise fans, and I'm actually very curious to know how many of you have seen this show. It was initially a very jarring experience for me going from a fast paced, colorful show that KNEW WHO IT WAS AND KNEW WHAT IT WANTED TO BE to the slower paced show that fought wanting to grow and change its story and characters but also tried to hold onto a status quo.

While I enjoyed 2012, I would not recommend this show to anyone who's not a TMNT fan. Like imo, it does not hold a candle to shows like atla, Steve universe, gravity falls, owl house, etc. And also I refuse to be like "oh it gets better after you watch the first two seasons" like naaah. No one's got time for that. This show is one that I'll rip into mercilessly in terms of the writing but I'll also be the first to defend it. I have a lot of thoughts specifically on April. 2012 April defender but not for the reasons you think. The real villain was the writers. Anyway.

This show is honestly a testimony to how I am willing to critique something negatively but also still enjoy it for what it does have to offer. Maybe also a little of what it could have been.

I will say I am very disappointed that people got so mad this show ended that they slept on rise. Maybe its bc we now live in an era where shows get one season but are split in three and pretend to be multiple seasons, or really good shows that have so much story to tell get cancelled too early. But y'all ended on a solid note with season 5. I feel sad I finished 2012, but damn I thought 2012 was going to end on a cliffhanger or something with the way people were so upset that rise was replacing it. This was not a teen titans situation.

Anyways, 2012 is simultaneously the worst and the best. If anyone wants to talk 2012 TMNT, my asks are open. I have so much to say about this iteration of the turtles.

Shout-out to my bestie @cottoncandywoof for sticking with me on our weekly watching of this show. In Gavin Hignight we trust 😌✊

[creatively-cosmic]

dare i say that i love your art? I love it and im eating it up…

berserk cacao is so cool and just so sad and just so petrified :((( my poor baby i just wanna hols him in my arms or sit in his big hand and rub his face to let him know everything is going to be okay

i’m sorry i just like babying enormous creatures or killing machines. Or both.

also wondering if you’ve ever drawn young prince choco before?? If not, you should!! he’s really fun to do! and if so, do you have any photos?

(sorry for the long ask!)

ahh thank you so much!! im glad youve been enjoying it!

the big guys def been fun to think on and draw. and god i understand the sentiment i used to be exactly the same way with werewolf cookie LMAO you dont need to apologize (ill just find it a little funny bc this cacao is a 60 year old father. if anything he'd baby you)

as for the young prince... a few times, but not anything recent. we were way more into the cr franchise a while back which is when we did these

(+ a storybook thing we did on an old discontinued ask blog)

also hii under the cut just so this doesn't get too long, but i saw your tags under another post n wanted to clarify that yes its dark choco in front of cacao in our latest art! a. LOT of our designs of anyone from any media ever have a lot of discrepancies from the base design. we like to personalize each one to really make it our own as often, the characters we post are introjects in our system (also why we don't often maintag posts. don't take this as us saying we're uncomfortable with people enjoying our drawings and the characters- we like seeing people's takes and thoughts! the guys in our head are much different than the characters they take after)

all this a roundabout way of saying Yeah we've always drawn dark choco with longer hair. this went up the other day but this is the full design of the fella from that post

[lovemyromance]

I have a little rant lol.

In general, the entire acotar fandom is immature and toxic (I honestly think its gotten so bad since nesta's book came out). Most of these people are grown women and men arguing back and forth about characters and ships. It's bad enough that its been going on for years that its sad. "I'll laugh at the elriels or gwnyriels or the eluciens if their ship isnt endgame" Do the people who say that realize how embarrassing they are? Many people are going to have good and terrible theories but bashing people and harassing people over fictional characters is just immature. I also hate when they say "its that [insert ship] the one who is being the most toxic and weird" NO. its all of you. None of us know who is going to be endgame no matter the theories you have or anything. YOU DONT KNOW. So, please, can we stop this already? its getting annoying and weird. This fandom has made it incredibly difficult to know who the next book is going to be about when its right in front of their eyes. Sarah has not made it impossible to know who the next will be about and I think thats why shes been so quiet about because everyone is being so aggressive about this ship war. I just know the moment she announces the couple, she'll get a ton of hate when its not even her fault because people love to twist her words on paper and thinks she's probably doing that but it could mean a whole other thing. Yall have let theories get to your head and twisted words so much that I think it's incredibly unhealthy for all of you to be acting this way. Stick with who you ship or love and of course, you can have beautiful theories, but toxicity is not necessary. No need to go back and forth about who is the real "endgame".

I mean yeah this fandom is insane. Sometimes as I'm aggressively typing out a reply to an anon who calls me a delusional psychotic bitch bc I made an Elriel post they didn't like, I genuinely just blink and think what the fuck am I doing?

It's partly why I didn't want get involved. At all.

I still try to keep to myself. Only even entertain the antis if they come to my posts. I stick to my own tags.

But there are people - and you're right they are from both sides, as I have also said multiple times on my blog -that go out of their way to start a fight on posts they know aren't meant for them.

These are the people that are making this fandom so toxic. Like I understand, no one person can be responsible for a fandom's collective behavior, but you can be responsible for yourself at the very least.

I have always made it clear what i believe acceptable behavior for discourse in this fandom is and isn't. It's not something I can personally enforce for others, but I can follow myself.

It really is crazy how out of hand this fandom has gotten because other people can't control themselves. If I see an anti Elriel post I don't like (and I don't follow any tags, actually, so I see ALL the ships posting), I have the self control to ignore it and keep scrolling.

This fandom has been overrun by childish adults, intent on being louder than the rest. It's crazy how many disgusting things have been said over just fictional characters, it makes me wonder what these people are like in real life.

At the end of the day - there's going to be a book and one side is going to be proven right. It's not worth all these vitriol that's been spewed across all sides just to "be right". I at least, would be perfectly fine to read an Elucien book. If Elriel does happen, I'm certainly not going to lord it over anyone's head and laugh.

Not worth my time. Not worth my energy.

[haejjoon]

Recently I was brain-rotting with someone about Joker's sexuality and we both concluded that... He seems kinda uncomfortable in the game. Mostly because of the "There's no turning back..." Msg afterward. Like, Atlus? Why is this so menacing and dreadful? And then you have these several moments of Akira jokingly flirting/or openly flirting with his Bros (gobro included<3)

It's just that nothing happens in relationships... I know you can interpret anything as you want *ahem* Curse Atlus for making silent Protagonists. But I couldn't feel like Akira enjoys it. It is as if he felt that he has to be in relationships with women (I forgot the term name but it's like when you question your sexuality because of heteronormative everywhere)

Of course, it may be just because romance is purely optional so there is no need to write it that in deep. But some romance routes are showing disapproval through Sojiro or Akira's face in model change.

It's just... Seeing Akira smiling after the friendship route with Futaba was such a whiplash for me. He doesn't do it when saying he loves her. I never even KNEW he CAN change his face on a model!!! That made me so curious if his face changes with others by he always facing away from the camera</3

Let me study you, Jokerrrr

(if someone is curious about Futaba, you can find screenshots on @/leonawriter's blog)

So uhh... I am really curious what are your thoughts on Romance in P5 :D

Because there are several posts about some translation misses in Persona for a variety of reasons as well as THESE. DAMN. FLOWER. KEYCHAINS.

Atlus can "queerbait" me as much as Capcom(Ace Attorney) but it is not my fault they have written these characters with homoerotic tension!!!

...or maybe I am just deluded AroAce V.V

So, yeah, sorry for my rant about not well-written romance :'D

HOL ON LETTER COOK???? U HAVE A POINT.

i always saw the romance options as... you know, options, which was why i always took them with a grain of salt. like its kind of ridiculous how little romancing anyone affects the overall plot. i romanced haru my first run through because i thought it'd somehow give her more screentime via plot (jun hhaeyeun u poor, poor fool.)

but you're so right??? whats the in lore reason as to why joker seems so aloof?? from his various options in main plot we know that hes pretty memey, cares a lot for his friends, etc etc. but when u have the option to romance the Girl Of Your Dreams you're suddenly about as emotional as a rock? i think ur onto smth...

not to mention he DOES seem to be super uncomfortable with the options... idk he always seemed like he was just going along with whatever the girl wanted to make her happy, bc he was her friend. one thing in particular that i wanted to point out was ann's romance route, where ur choices are either "you can rely on me" or "you can rely on the others" .... WHAT. like obviously you'd say "i'm here for you", right?? obviously akiren would say that he's here for ann, right?????? personally i think that akiren doesnt even know when hes dating a girl. the horde of girls who castrate him on valentine's day absolutely took him by surprise. he was just being a homie.

(which i think is prettu sad if you think about it... half of the dialogue options to toggle the romance route just sounds like akiren's trying to be friendly. "you can rely on me" "i came here to see you" "you've got me" arent romantic in the slightest. these poor fucking girls... a guy is decent to them One Time and they're over the moon .......... pls u all deserve better)

[chatange]

if you don't know me, i treat ask games like surveys because ask games as we know 'em are pretty much dead. here's the og

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

guitar hero 2, deviantart x reader fanfics, not being allowed to watch horror movies as a child

show us a picture of your handwriting?

3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

i'm not a big movie person, but probably zero day, the original child's play, and crash

what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

kitty synth, "wentzian", bathroom updates, pig as a slur

what made you start your blog?

old one got too much anon hate

what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

there are so many images of pretty men to be found. some of them are dead.

what scares you the most and why?

probably the prospect of instability. i imagine its bc i moved a lot as a child

any reacquiring dreams?

in the case u meant reoccuring, not particularly. i have a bad memory.

tell a story about your childhood

oh, you dont want that.

would you say you’re an emotional person?

i learned apparently im more emotional than i even knew, recently.

what do you consider to be romance?

sensuality and the human connection.

what’s some good advice you want to share?

goal setting without clear vision is like building a couch with no instructions, just a picture of the end result.

what are you doing right now?

listening to pretty hate machine by nin and filling out this questionaire

what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

learn to drive

what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

my partner

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

my need to dig up the corpse to make sure it's really dead down there

name 3 things that make you happy

i. discovering new fetishes ii. my partner system iii. animals

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

its a fool's errand to try and define our surroundings with our limited perception. radio exists. anything is possible.

favourite thing about the day?

the kids playing on the street loud enough to hear from inside.

favourite things about the night?

the quiet coolness.

are you a spiritual person?

that part of me ain't dead yet

say 3 things about someone you love

i. prevailing ii. patient iii. not appreciated enough

say 3 things about someone you hate

when will it ever be enough for you? nothing can learn you. nothing will.

what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

trying again.

fave season and why?

autumn. bugs are going away, coats are coming out. halloween and thanksgiving. the bus is going by again.

fave colour and why?

pink, green, and black. they're just nice to look at.

any nicknames?

i get called lee more often than not.

do you collect anything?

records, tarot decks, stuffed animals.

what do you do when you’re sad?

attempt to logicize if i can help it.

what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

a live set for my current favorite artist

are you messy or organised?

messily organized

how many tabs do you have open right now?

one pinned, three unpinned

any hobbies?

writing, art, producing music

any pet peeves?

sloppy eaters

do you trust easily?

i'm working on trying to. i can be paranoid, but i don't want to be

are you an open book or do you have walls up?

i think i have more walls up than i realize

share a secret

i'm currently organizing with a stranger to have her steal a dog being neglected by someone in my neighborhood

fave song at the moment?

the only time (nin)

youtuber you’ve been obsessed with and why?

dollar tree dinners. the sheer culinary efficiency and humble kindness...

any bad habits?

worthless martyrdom.

[spindrifters]

dude i really dont know how to tell you this in a comprehensible way but im just so in awe at you. i've been following your blog for maybe two months or smth bc of the constant wolfstar spam and really enjoy that.

but also i find it so so nice to see an adult in fandom that is comfortable with being an adult in fandom. i've seen lots of people turn away from fandom activity as they grow older (especially from harry potter related stuff. ig it becomes embarrassing for people) but i couldn't imagine that for myself as it is a big part of my own life. why would i stop engaging in a community that shares art and stories and beliefs?

(also as i'm a nonbinary teenager my heart just kind of jumps seeing an adult whos comfy presenting themselves like that on the internet. i'm finishing school soon and growing into the age where lots of people in my social circle seem to expect from me to grow out of this "phase". ALSO i make art myself and its just cool to see "real" writers in fandom. (i really hope me telling you this doesn't bother you.))

i just wanna tell you that your silly little posts always make me giggle and this blog feels like its own little safe space :) hope you're having a nice day <3

I want you to know that it really made my day to wake up to this.

I remember being a teenager and seeing my 30+ fandom friends and just sort of thinking well that's great for them, but there was an underlying assumption that I'd probably grow out of it by then. which made me really sad, but I assumed it was just a natural part of growing up. and then I didn't grow out of it. but more importantly, like you've said, I became really comfortable with it. if football fanboys can have their niche obsessive interests their whole life, then so can I. that's something that happens across the board, at least in my experience. I hit 27 or 28 I think and started embracing things I thought I'd have to put away as an adult, only now I had the freedom to do it in ways I didn't when I was younger. (I'm not just talking fandom. I'm talking dying my hair pink after 7 years of blonde because it made me happy and I stopped caring about it looking professional.)

and I do think part of this is because there's no actual way to 'be an adult.' part of that's because the markers and milestones boomers and much of gen x had don't really exist for us anymore. so you get older and it's a realization that, "I don't have to look and act like an adult. an adult looks and acts like me, because that's what I am." and then you start to meet other people who think similarly. the community of 30+ fans here on tumblr dot com are honestly some of the best people I know.

anyway, all this is to say, I so remember what those growing pains you're going through/can see on the horizon were like, especially relating to the interests I had that society messaged to me were shameful to have. I was a teenager during peak fangirl shaming of the 00s/10s. so I turned it into a fucking career instead.

I'm really, really glad that this feels like a safe space for you, it makes my lil gremlin heart very cozy and warm. xx

[isa-ghost]

honestly I think you are so awesome and deserve all good things in life and I appreciate your role in the community sm, like I think I'd stick around even if you posted about things I know nothing about because just seeing you on the dash makes me go "omg its isa!" (even when its discourse lmao)

What The Fuck this is so sweet!! ;^; 💚💚

Worry not, I'm not leaving QSMP yet. Even if it hurts. If Phil's done, I'll likely migrate to Fit for it. Provided he streams when Phil doesn't. 😅

And I'll be damned if this stops me from completing AMFMN. Apollo has hinted during a brief reading with him that he'll kick my ass. We NEED more Phil centric fics, it's half the reason I said fuck it we ball and started AMFMN to begin with. That goblin of a deity is INVESTED in the story. I think I'd get sunburn for eternity if I left it incomplete.

And I have a perhaps therapeutic idea to write Phil coming home to the Hardcore World via Rose after departing with the kids. I think I'm gonna go for it, even if it hurts to write and I cry during doing so. :p

I'm not sure what'll become of that QSMP AU I was cooking on but I don't think I'll discontinue that before it even begins either. Additionally, I've played with the idea of just. Continuing some kind of AU storyline post-AMFMN. Like writing stuff (headcanons or short story(s)) after the events of the fic. We'll see.

I've been miserable at worst and palpably sad at best the last 2 days, and we'll see what happens during and after Phil's stream today, but.. at least for now at this good hour of 10am, I'm feeling,, better-ish. Cautiously optimistic. I don't want to leave (and I especially don't want to lose the amazing mutuals and friends I've made 😭). I'm not going anywhere.

But if you're curious, here's some other interests you'll see here besides QSMP:

I'm a Phil main first and foremost. Even if he's done on QSMP, I watch every minute of EVERY stream. Hardcore my fucking beloved. I won't hesitate to start cooking up more hardcore Phil headcanons or a fic or AU.

After Phil, I watch Sneeg second most. I also watch Hermits/Lifers & friends, Ranboo (yes hello I love Genloss), Tubbo & a bunch of others. Like I said, Death Family's end on QSMP isn't my end in QSMP, nor MCYT. :)

I barely post abt it anymore bc it's more bitter than sweet for me, but DSMP will always hold a place in my heart. I'm always down to talk about it if asked.

D&D/Critical Role/Candela Obscura (I've been dual-wielding hyperfixations on Phil & CR this whole time, you'd be getting Phil & CR primarily if I fell out of QSMP for some reason)

Related, I plan on getting into Dimension 20 sometime and I also want to watch LA/NY By Night. TTRPG enjoyers that follow me will be getting FED.

I FUCKING LOVE DRAWFEE!!!

Anime!! Bungo Stray Dogs, JJK, Soul Eater, Apothecary Diaries, Frieren, and a bunch of others are my faves/current faves :)

I'm actually primarily an OC and roleplay person, it's my biggest special interest and I've been doing it for 12+ years. It's why I love mcrp so much. I'd probably post this stuff on @isas-oc-asylum and then reblog here if anyone was interested, idk. But I have an entire original world + country full of lore and characters I could talk about for eternity

I FUCKING LOVE HORROR PODCASTS. Magnus Archives & Protocol, Welcome to Night Vale, Old Gods of Appalachia!!

Veteran followers of me know I was originally a Jacksepticeye & Markiplier ego theorist blog before 2020! I have so many AUs of them and I love them still even though new content with them is slow. (I like Sanders Sides a decent amount too!)

I love talking about witchcraft!! I'm always down to infodump, answer questions, or gush about my goofy ass deity circle!! <3

Controversial (/s) but I love the Hazbin & Helluva series. I also love other indie series like Murder Drones, TADC and Lackadaisy!

I'm also slowly watching The Dragon Prince with friends!!

I've reblogged stuff plenty of times but I fucking love The Owl House & Gravity Falls

When will Arcane return from the war,,,, 😔 (soon)

I won't hesitate to plunge into the Monster Prom series deeper. Milo Belladonna and Damien LaVey my lomls I will get monsterfuckery on main I s2g

Basically... I'm a fuckin charcuterie board of interests!! Realistically, I'll still mainly be Phil/Sneeg/CR. But I'm always down to be abnormal about all that 👆🏻 and more.

If any of that interests anyone reading this, feel free to stick around. Or keep beating me with QSMP & Phil stuff in my asks. I'll still always be down to write headcanons and talk about fic stuff. I love qPhil too much to shut up forever.

And if it doesn't? Congrats, I'm also a massive shitposter. I have like 3 different tags for it. Feast your eyes upon how funny I am. It's like the one thing I'm confident in about myself, I'm fucking hilarious.

Honest Opinion Anon Asks

[yuukei-yikes]

hie I've just been sitting here thinking about harutaka fighting I know the whole "I knew i was gonna die and didn't tell you" is prime material for them to fight But I like to think about like Long term how they deal with little inevitable conflicts Bc those are gonna happen when you wanna spend your life by someone's side I feel like Haruka's reaction is most often just To immediately apologize He wants to fix things He doesn't want anyone to be upset So he slaps a bandaid over it! Takane however Needs to experience her feelings even if they suck She needs to get mad She needs to get sad (and try to cover up that sadness with angry outburts) I think there's times Haruka apologizes to try and soothe a conflict and she gets upset because it's really not his fault and she wishes he'd get mad instead! I think eventually they kinda learn Takane needs her moment to run through her feelings and just because she's crying screaming punching a pillow doesn't mean it's personal And Haruka needs to learn that sometimes it's okay if things feel bad for a bit, it's better to talk things through than to bury them under panicked pacification. A tense afternoon isn't going to undo their pile of happy memories. Honestly I wanna see Haruka try to get mad about something. Restaurant got his order wrong or something. And Takane's just there like yeah!! Tell them!!! And he immediately deflates when he has their attention (also if this characterization is a little off I apologize!! I hadn't touched kagepro in a while and have just recently gotten sucked back into the hyperfixation but haven't freshly gone through all the material yet. I'm slowly making my way through it again I just really enjoy your blog asjshffj)

YEAH EXACTLY U GET IT SO WELL especially with takane wishing haruka would get mad. they run through emotions differently, takane gets mad/explodes because she cares about something so much, so haruka not matching her energy when she gets like that makes her feel like he doesn't care.

i think that could be a good way for them to learn how things work, like if takane told him its like you dont even care and haruka had the chance to say OF COURSE he cares. how could he not???!!!

so when she's blowing up about something admittedly silly and haruka isnt telling her Hey that's silly and instead he's like ok❤️sorry❤️dont be mad❤️ that makes her madder. but haruka is also capable of getting angry yknow (NOVEL 6 KANO MOMENT) (Still so funny kano is the 1 character that managed to make haruka angry) but i have a hard time seeing him angry At takane. maybe he could call her immature or something lol....

i think he could ask her to stop being such a tease??? haruka's too spineless to ask her to stop teasing him (over the dimension lost days I moment) but by post str i dont think this would be a problem. maybe he could manage to ask and takane would be like AWWWW IM JUST GOOFING cuz from his pov in lost days it REALLY seemed like haruka didnt realise takane was fucking with him. personally i didnt notice in my first read. once i read it again i noticed takane is described to have a mischievous smile and stuff and that just changed the whole context. it was haruka moaning and crying abt having an art block and takane being like girl ur being pathetic and she was right🙏

i mostly have a hard time imagining What theyd fight about. i think they could have arguments but it'd have to be something punctual for that to take place. i dont think couples just Have to argue to work out at all. that bit u said abt "thats gonna happen when u wanna spend ur life with someone" LIKE yeah there are disagreements and all but nothing that could cause An Argument of that nature yknow.

that's why haruka not telling takane abt his condition is like the best potential for it, otherwise more domestic stuff is like. haruka wanting the lights on while playing a horror game and takane wanting them off. thats like the most heated dispute they can have bc theyre both very serious about their stances💔(haruka is scared. takane wants the full horror game experience🙄)

[catboyjamesbond]

I have GOBBLED UP duskofdreams’ omegaverse fic like none other. I am patiently waiting for the day I can read it in its entirety as well! She’s such a good writer 🤩🤩 (and tbh, one of my inspirations as well! I love all the azris they write.)

Ooo! Learning to fly! We have so much in common?? Queer… and apparently wanting to fly! My dad has his pilot’s license and I wanted to learn to fly planes as well! I even for a little bit there, considered piloting as a career. 

Oh my GOODNESS. HOW DARE THE KITTY BE SO CUTE. Not allowed. Too cute. Banned. 🥺🥺🥺 I love The Cleo it’s official. Also, do you play an instrument? I see the music… in alto clef? So perhaps viola?

Also, I have a random question… if you had to choose something physical (ex. alcohol, cigarettes, opioids which we can pretend exists in acotar) for Azriel/Eris to go to when they’re feeling anxious or just any bad emotion… what would you choose for them each? (<- write down your answer before you read below! I don’t want to influence the answer)

I personally have Az down for alcohol and Eris down for cigars (because they seem more Autumn-coded), but I’m curious! I haven’t written much of the fic yet so it can be changed.

Get-To-Know-You Question: What is your ultimate favorite book or book series? Why?

Its so fucking good, right!

Somehow flying is less stressful to me than driving, but I’ve never had to land/take off

The Cleo is baby and I miss her when I’m not visiting my mother. I was a viola player but i haven’t played in 2 years now and I was never any good

Regarding your question, sorry this is gonna be long so I put it under the cut:

I think that they’re both men who want control and feel at their worst when they don’t have it and most substances go against that.

In my mind, Azriel is someone who sees drinking as a social activity to do with friends. As in, only gets drunk in positive situations. Same with weed. I know the IC all smoke it, I know it!

Maybe he had a psychedelics or cocaine phase when he was younger (& Prythian wasn’t in danger for once)? Azriel as a smoker would be hot af though and there’d be an Azris connection. So I’ll go with that.

Eris would be a wine snob and maybe might take an opioid or something to sleep after a torture session but he’d see an addiction as a weakness and getting drunk as uncouth. After becoming high lord (and azris can happen openly) he might relax a little and start a bad habit of drinking shitty alcohol when sad.

Actually I’ve know decided that the Autumn court only uses vapes bc that’s hilarious to me

the Wolf by Wolf series by Ryan Graudin is my favourite of all time. I used to run an incorrect quotes blog for it (which means I can tell exactly when some one reads it bc I get a bunch of notes from one person outta nowhere)

What’s yours?

Cya Santa

[b1mbodoll]

kyaaa so glad that you're back <33 i hope you had sooO much fun!! i need your opinion on something tho bc atm i keep seeing minors here trying to argue w writers on whether they should be allowed to read their nsfw works or not and idk why but it lowkey frustrates me that theyre completely missing the point. imagine youre like 15 and meet a 20y/o and they're talking abt sex w you thats just so inappropriate. its similar on here when you try to start a conversation w a grown ass person (who clearly stated that theyre uncomfortable w minors interacting w them). no matter how mature you might think you are. "i StArTeD rEaDiNg SmUt WhEn I wAs 12 🤓☝️" babe thats not a flex but rather sad tbh and as you grow older youll realize the bad impact this will have on you (speaking from experience)

idk im sorry for rambling but this whole discussion is so weird to me why dont they just accept that adults dont want literal children in their comments

🫧

this made me smile so hard i missed u lovebug!!!!! i did have sososoooo much fun thank u! mwah <3 i hope u’ve been well !

n agh !!!!!!! i dont understand why minors feel the need to let writers know theyre interacting despite being minors… its so odd!!!!!!!! like cool ur disrespecting my boundaries and sending me anonymous messages so i cant block ur main blog -_- thanks for making me uncomfy! (^^)b /s

like i started reading smut young and i really wish i hadnt bc that shit fucks you up!!!!!!!! like writers arent saying this to gatekeep we r sayin this for ur benefit!!!! its so annoying bc i dont understand why its hard to respect rules T_T like at the end of the day it is up to the person consuming media but it’s so stupid they cant bother to be patient and wait until theyre of age to read such inappropriate and dark content

[swaggypsyduck]

ramosita, i really don't know if your hair is messy (messi?), but if it is is probably in a beautiful way. this song here is the one i choose for you for the simple fact that, yes, you make me smile. you make everyone smile. and what would be better than having someone who comes here to make people have a good laugh? yet always so on point in your opinions and takes without dropping the sense of humor. <- idk how you do this actually but i appreciate it so damn much!

-🌹-

I don't know why I love you I just know I can't stop thinking of you Oh, wait It's 'cause you make me smile You always make me smile

-🌹-

i don't ever want to see you sad, it's inconceivable to me. but i know that will happen eventually and when it happens, keep in mind i'll be here for whatever you need. you are truly a beautiful person <3

how did u know my hair is a mess rn (i just woke up). ugh again this is so sweet and thoughtful how can i even repay u for this???

when ever i see u and ur absolute devotion to Charles (specifically) one song comes to mind and i think the way you've immortalized every facet of him on your blog, in ur writing, and with ur edits.

Oh pretty baby I wanna carve you out of stone Like they did in ancient Rome That way you'll live forever

and also lines like

And I will write your name in sand Even when the tide, washes it away You said "If I know one thing's for certain Is one day life will close its curtain" And if that's the case Why don't we give them the best show?

and idk why but it always sounds like a song written by u directly for him. it always puts a smile on my face since u always have so much love to share with us (ur mutuals) and the reason i kept delaying answering this was bc each time i saw it id giggle and get distracted from actually answering the ask 🫣🫣