#you know what? if you're following me here on tumblr dot com you get the BONUS LORE

[jaypg9]

everyone look at my guys right now

[asterythm]

on the ending of in stars and time:

an essay from someone who couldn’t sit with it at first, & a love letter to the fic that brought me here anyway. (…spoiler warning for in stars and time, naturally, but you knew that!)

if siffrin isat has taught me one thing it's that vulnerability is cool, actually, and being forthcoming and generous with love when there is love to be shared is how the coolest kids do it.

so. hello isat nation of tumblr dot com. i'm here because even after cutting out several chunks to shorten this significantly, i busted through the ao3 comment section character limit and still had more to say, so i needed somewhere to put it all that would let me go longer.

i’m pretty sure this post is for, like, three people, one of whom is me. but look, it’s been moved here to the webbed site so if you wanna read it anyway i won’t stop you!

=====

i think what it is, ultimately, is this: the ISAT canon ending was beautiful. it was an objectively well-written ending with so much love and hope and thematic satisfaction.

it also left me, for a period, with a deep and unshakeable sense of dread.

:)!!!!

now enter @faedemon's "None Forward & Two, Two, Two Steps Back" (hiya, fancy seeing you here), a two-chapter alt act 5 in which siffrin finds a New, Worse way to break the loops.

despite being, as mentioned, a notably worse outcome for everyone involved, this alt end managed to cut straight to the heart of that dread and settle it — and not in the sense of "oh, i like this alt ending better", or “oh, the canon ending looks better in comparison against this worse alt ending”, so much as "oh, thanks to this alt ending i am finally able to sit in a place where it no longer feels like the canon ending, as a beautiful outcome which felt impossibly lucky to get, is the only outcome in which life can go on — and my ability to accept it, and the game as a whole, is elevated for it."

which!! i mean!! i don’t know that that’s exactly what you set out to do; None Forward is explicitly a tragedy!! and one, as your tags say, written because the canon ending didn't ring true for you.

but I realized that the thing that was stopping me from enjoying ISAT’s canon ending was that ugly hard core that was still so, so scared after the canon ending of every way we (that is, siffrin + i as the player moving in that incredible ludonarrative lockstep with him, holy moly the harmony in this game) had not yet grown to earn it. 

=====

(I’ll take a sec here under the cut to say that when I played ISAT, and then for much of the month that followed, my main reason for engaging with it and its related content at all was that it was a piece of media that came fervently recommended by my incredibly dear friend @iconocat , who it had massively, violently impacted and whose media recommendations in general I trust more than anything.

so i played ISAT, and it was incredible. but even though it's a piece of media that just about hit on every point on my list of Things That Set My Brain On Fire, it failed somehow to. well. set me on fire — at least to the extent I was expecting it to. I still enjoyed myself in the few weeks afterwards of running through fan content and intentionally plunging myself into media analysis, but I was never convinced that I would be engaging with ISAT to the extent I was if it wasn't for the sake of trying to intentionally hack my brain to the point where I could share with my friend something so important to her at the same level of genuine investment. 

I’m telling you all this because, legitimately the same night I posted “nothing but a dull ache” (ie, if you're not charlie faedemon and are somehow caring to read this anyway, the epilogue oneshot I started feverishly writing the morning after reading None Forward), I realized through my rambling in my friend’s discord dms that reading None Forward was the moment the fire finally caught. I spent a month burying myself in ISAT content and asking myself “Is this natural yet?”. after None Forward, the answer to that question finally became a sure, wholehearted yes.)

=====

so anyway, back to the essay.

don't get me wrong. it's really, really nice, to read a story where the moral is less “you should have asked for help", and more “there are people who will unselfishly give the gift of a love that saves even when you cannot save yourself".

but that whole ending also was only able to happen because 1. they broke in a way no one should ever have to break, and 2. everyone involved got lucky.

which, in media, happens all the time!! it is not inherently dissatisfying for a narrative to wrap by saving you with luck and love in the nick of time!! in fact it should be incredibly satisfying, after the unambiguously-negative downward spiral into Director Siffrin who had begun to learn what to say and do to make his family behave exactly the way he needs them to, for a stroke of unpredictable luck brought about by factors entirely out of his control to finally be what sets him free.

but like... I think it's because the story is set in a situation where it's no longer true that luck and randomness is a factor by which anything significant can change.

we're hammered over the head with it: until and unless you do something to alter the course of events, they will not be altered. when you are the only dynamic element the world is reacting to in an otherwise looping course of events, you don't get to rely, anymore, on the idea that at any moment something could happen to save you. you have to assume that nothing will happen unless you make it.

and siffrin?? siffrin's literal motto was "stick to the script"!! they spend the loops with a mouth that kept closing tighter and tighter and tighter until i got to act 5 and watched them implode. and then I’m saved, and I know I haven't earned this. I get to the end and I'm still not telling them anything!! I wasn't supposed to get the good ending!! but I get away with it anyway with open arms and acceptance and unconditional love, and it's. kind of nauseating?

how am I ever supposed to learn and grow, if I didn't manage to change my behaviour even then under the threat of Eternal Looping Torment, and still got the good ending anyway? how can I prove there was an alternative way I could have broken free if things hadn't turned out so lucky in that one terrible act 5 loop?

I can't. and that's terrifying.

(aside: I’m speaking in the first person here to emphasize that the thing that got in my way is not because I don't believe siffrin is deserving of this love — quite the opposite, I think the driving force behind the good ending is that siffrin went scorched earth and saw he was loved anyway — but because this is a game designed to frequently encourage the player to deeply feel what siffrin is feeling throughout its course and. well. as a thing to happen to a fictional character it's beautiful. as a takeaway for the player, it's... harder.)

and that's where None Forward comes in. (i’ve already written thousands of words in comments and epilogue fic declaring my love by now, but i mean. im hoping you won’t mind just a liiiittle more.)

None Forward shows a devastatingly written, all-too-believable version of what might have happened if siffrin didn't get lucky, and the loops continued, and they kept clinging to the script and refusing to Look At It and successfully stagnating and stagnating and stagnating as they were so determined to do. and it's bad, it's worse, it's way way worse — but there's no reliance on outside factors. it comes completely from within siffrin and loop, the only dynamic pieces in the world, finally breaking out.

it was the terrible, nightmarish unfairness of the loops brought to their natural, just-south-of-inevitable conclusion.

and yes, it's a terrible, unfair conclusion, but the loop still breaks.

in a roundabout way, it... gives me so much hope. if the outside factors were different, if the stars did not align just right to allow siffrin's family to get there on time to save them, if siffrin never learned to open their mouth, which by all means seems like the likeliest course of events... they'd still get out. worse for wear, and separated by a gap unbridgeable, but out.

there is a future. there is freedom.

=====

to speak more specifically on dull ache, if you'll forgive the indulgence, just since this was originally meant to be in a reply to the author in my own comments section:

I think I so desperately needed to write it with a focus on the family siffrin left behind because I wanted to prove, if just for myself, that in that barely-dodged alternative there still could be a future for everyone. (isabeau's just happened to be the voice in which dull ache came to me, but the point was to create an epilogue for all four.)

for the rest of the family, who was not quite so deeply ravaged but was still left in a bad way at the end of None Forward, and for whom randomness is not pretty much unequivocally good just by virtue of being better than the alternative like it is for siffrin and loop (more on that in a sec), I could see it mattering more to set specific pieces up precisely, and I could actually imagine the pieces I could set up that could have a meaningful impact in the immediate future.

so. y’know. I set them, in the way I happened to want to. granted, with some extra... divine indulgence, but siffrin's departure from their family's perspective at the end of None Forward was definitely Wrong but not so obviously wrong that I could believe that without it they wouldn't otherwise either (a) go hunting him down to force out the truth, which felt Worse, or (b) just "accept" that it was as simple as Siffrin not actually caring about them/brushing them off and thus intentionally fade him into the distance in their minds to deal with it. which felt like the WORST POSSIBLE THING.

you'd think it might make more sense to have done this for siffrin and loop, instead. they're arguably the ones who need it most, after all, so why not build them up from rock bottom as a sweeping show of "things get better"?

but... i think it doesn't need to be written to have faith that it will happen: the very fact that Siffrin is about to set out on a new journey in a reality where everything is a dynamic player just. immediately gives me hope all by itself. random lucky things that save you are so much more believable and wonderful when random lucky things in general are happening all the time, and you have all the time in the world for them to happen.

and anyway, I don't think this is the kind of future you’d write satisfyingly as a sequence of events at all. to heal from this is something that will take an incredible amount of time and nonlinear progress. 

until one day, through a series of disconnected small quiet gloriously-random lived experiences, without knowing when it happened or being able to trace it back, you realize, oh —

somewhere along the way, you came to know how to live again.

[paintednailsandsoftdetails]

911, a confession

Let me start by saying that I don't really know what I'm doing here, so bear with me. If I actually go through with posting this, and you find yourself tagged and wondering who I am and why, or even if you happen upon it in the tags, I hope you take a minute to read this.

You don't know me, but you've been my community for a while now. I've checked your blogs daily for years, I've read your posts and loved your art and sent you countless anonymous asks to pick your brains- never hate though, because I'm not a Freak.

What I am, however, is a lonely lesbian with depression and (newly diagnosed) OCD, who has always needed some hyperfixation media/fandom to find life bearable. For some ~fun context, I was Raised by the glee fandom, I will die on the hill that watching queer as folk when I was 14 and discovering its fans 10+ years after airing made me who I am, I've got the most bizarrely timed stint in the 1D fandom under my belt, and I find nothing in the world more interesting and also affirming than Queer Reading (verb) media- to the extent that I earned an English degree and wrote a thesis specifically about it.

I haven't posted on here in 1.5 years, since I fell out of my previous fandom (apologies to anyone from said fandom who still happens to follow me and is seeing this, feel free to move along.) But I've been on this app every day since, because of 911.

(starting the read more here to spare you- again especially if you are tagged, I know you're probably feeling miserable rn but I do hope the entirety of this love letter reaches you)

I started "watching" mid season 5- by which I mean I was in a deep depressive state after disconnecting with previous media hyperfixation and, when I happened upon 911 trending while in need of distraction, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole. Tale as old as time, tumblr dot com convinces you that you need to tune into *insert media here* bc its fun and there are gay people! I caught myself up through all the big blogs and by the time May Day was airing I felt like I had a decent grasp on all the lore, all the fandom drama, all the places the writers were "definitely, so brilliantly" going to be taking the show that we had to look forward to, all without ever having actually seen an episode of the show (before you boo me, yes I've watched it by now, even season 1)

But I think it is important, and also a little messed up, that I fell in love with 911 through YOU, through the fans. Obviously watching the show initially through the lens of fan reactions first and not whats actually happening on screen can have some... interesting results. We've heard it all before, with the people who started watching specifically for Buddie around season 4/5 because they saw The Will and by the time they caught themselves up and watched the end of season 6 they wanted their refunds.

Here is where I want to make a clarification- the reason I got so interested, why I started coming back every day to check in on tags and certain favorite blogs I didn't even follow bc I was denying the want to become fully Involved, was because I fell in love with Evan Buckley. I won't lie, it was Buddie that caught my attention first- of course, thats what everyone here was talking about- and as much as I quickly started discover the value of the show outside of them (Henren my absolute Beloveds!!!!! Captain Dad Bobby Nash you are so special to ME. Chimney man of all time i can keep going) none of it was enough initially to bite the bullet and catch up on 5 seasons worth of a show I also knew would have elements I WASNT interested in (Copaganda and Taylor Kelly I am looking at you.)

But then I started really getting into fan's readings of Buck *insert footage of me learning the Buck Begins of it all for the first time* as a character separate from Eddie (as much as people were capable of anyway, and I will say some of yall continue to be absolutely atrocious at it) and I knew I was done for. Buck, this character so full of goodness, and his need to be Found but to also Find his own family and purpose and sense of self, for whom the show's thesis statement concerns the act of working to Make the kind of Love you want to have in this world, even if you were raised without a blueprint for it- I'm sorry but what else were me and my gay ass queer reading inclined hyperfixated brain to do other than take Evan Buckley into the folds and never let him go?

I love Buck. I was convinced by the time the s5 finale was airing before I had actually watched the show that Buck had to be bi. Even if they never did a thing with it you couldn't convince me otherwise and I was also confident that Oliver was portraying him with a similar mindset. I never wavered in that interpretation, even when the utter disappointment of the s6 finale and the failure to do anything truly meaningful character development wise through the lightning strike-Natalia speed run hit, and certainly not as I got fully caught up actually watching the show outside of tumblr live reactions during episode airings. I'll admit I was pretty ready to Check Out after the end of season 6, to the point where I hardly checked in on fandom at all going into 7 until the rumblings of possible canon Bi Buck reached me and I doubled back like "hold on, for real this time?" But when I say Check Out, I mean I was ready to walk away from the hyperfixation with a joint lack of satisfaction with canon & firm conviction that Buck was queer.

Things with Eddie are a lil different- and I want to try and keep this bit brief bc this is ultimately a post about Buck and Bucktommy and I have no interest in unsettling those of you who may have a queer reading connection to Eddie as real as the one I feel for Buck, but unfortunately this conversation cannot exist separately from the Eddie/Buddie of it all- I personally don't think Eddie is queer. I don't really think I ever did, even when I was in the thick of it with falling for Buddie. I know me saying this would cause certain audience to pelt me with accusations of fetishizing Buck or treating Eddie as nothing more than a vehicle for Queer Buck via Buddie- false! I actually think Eddie is an incredibly fascinating character, a deeply compelling representation of grief and fatherhood and masculinity, and also a hilariously weird lil bitch guy. I just don't feel like- especially having removed fanon glasses while actually starting to watch the show, and taking the time to acknowledge that the things about Buddie that appealed to me on a romantic level (this is NOT about their friendship which i stand by being beautiful and important) all boiled down elements I was reading within and onto BUCK specifically, not Eddie. Perhaps an impossible concept for some, the idea that Bi Buck could feel so real and apparent to me primarily divorced from the idea that Eddie had to be queer as well, but I won't bore you with my explanations for it, though I suspect the people tagged and still reading by this point know exactly what I am talking about.

All of this potentially obnoxious prologue to say, I've spent the last however many months falling in love with canon Bi Buck *insert footage of me speed running back into my daily fandom involvement/blog check ins the moment I knew Buck kissed a man*, with Bucktommy, and with Bucktommy fans.

For a long while there I had resigned myself to an odd, though perhaps not as unique as I thought, reality of loving and fully believing in Queer Buck, not necessarily feeling the same about Eddie or Buddie, but also in full agreement with many that already 6 seasons in with literally nothing else having remotely worked, Buddie would be the only satisfying conclusion for Buck's love story. This is again not exactly how I felt about Eddie- but a big part of that for me is that I don't think Eddie's primarily story in 911 is a love story. He's the vessel for telling other important, beautiful stories about fatherhood and forgiveness and that is OKAY bc not every characters story is a love story!!! Evan Buckley's is though (Despite some very weird and confusing things mr stark has just said about his character that actively contradict what hes previously said and what audiences have been looking at and for this entire time, but I digress)

But then! By whatever happy accident we want to call it 911 had Tommy Kinard fall back into its lap as the solution to what felt like the impossible: They found the ONE way they could introduce a non Eddie Diaz love interest for Buck that COULD be satisfying for Bucks story. Someone with connections to the 118 and the shows history and potential for further development within main storylines as his job directly pertains to their plots. Someone with such compelling connections for interweaving these two characters that it got us- including the showrunner- talking about the Red String of Fate. That it got some of the beloved tumblr pals I had been watching for years, who NEVER would have believed they'd ever root for a Buck endgame that wasnt Buddie doing exactly that, and with joy, love, and conviction. Again I'll ask, what else were me and my Buck loving brain to do but take Bucktommy into the folds and never let go? (apparently I hadn't considered that there was apparently horrifying alternative- more on that next!)

As you all damn well know, falling in love with Bucktommy has not come without its trails. I have never seen things in fandom as vile as the things I've seen go down here. And as I mentioned before, I've been IN IT with yall for a while, even if you didnt know it. I was here, lurking, and I know this fandom has had its highlight reels of racism and misogyny and harassment (despite certain factions current batshit consensus that things were "never bad" before *gasp* a couple of people, some over the ancient age *double gasp* of 30 heard about bucktommy through tumblr the same damn way the 90% of you who havent been watching since season 1 heard about buddie and decided to invest)

What happened tonight made me cry, for about 40 minutes straight. And yeah, its been a devastating week for us all for a lot of reasons. On top of the ~national dread (I'm a lesbian in the US btw) today was my 7th out of 9 straight days of open to close shifts in a demanding retail/management position, and I have a head cold so maybe this was just a Breaking Point after a whole lotta shit.

But also, maybe, it was really fucking shitty to watch this play out. I've already seen countless people say it better than I could. Yeah, its a tv show. It's a fictional ship. But its also escapism, a spot of joy many of us were extra dependent on this week. It was something GOOD, queer representation and a love story on national tv days after a horrifying reality set in for queer people, and we are allowed to acknowledge how much losing that sucks just on a general level for a second...

Second over, now lets talk not on the general level. Lets talk about how I've watched real human beings get harassed, sent death threats, be told they are faking cancer and failing to properly grieve dead loved ones, I've watched deeply homphobic language be adopted and incorporated into everyday use despite constant correction and pleas from queer men to knock it the hell off, I've watched homophia as a whole run rampant and unchecked by big blogs, with some biphobia to boot, I've seen some images of horrific anti gay violence and historical trauma invoked as a way to make fun of others, I've seen lesbianism slandered and proffered as an excuse for such vile behavior in a disgusting erasure of the beautiful solidarity that has historically existed between gay men and lesbians in the face of homophobia, and yes, I've seen graphic descriptions of child rape via targeted fanfiction attacks.

Again, others have already said it better than I can: This isn't about Bucktommy. It's about the way that everyone who was Pulling for them as a couple, who DARED to *checks scribble on hand* enjoy a canon queer mlm couple featuring a character (or two) they've grown to care deeply for, has been subjected to all the above mentioned and more, and for...what. For. What.

In the name of a fanon couple that has not been legitimized by the writers in 7 years? of a fanon character interpretation of a canonically straight man (not just assumed straight, verbally assigned straight now on multiple occasions) that people cannot fathom perceiving this show, let alone liking these characters, without? For the version of this story that, if the writers REALLY wanted to happen could have happened so many fucking times by now- especially when the show was coming to what might have been its end in s6- and still hasn't? A version that has been dismissed multiple times by the writers cast crew and every other unfortunate individual who has been harassed repeatedly about it?

And I'm not here to say Buddie is inherently bad!!!! It brought me into this same as the rest of you. I don't even believe it would necessarily be a bad or wrong conclusion for either character or the show were it to eventually, finally happen!! But for the love of god, hear me when i say from the outsider pov of someone who has experience the show in the way I did first through fandom then stepping back to watch for real and now watching it with my mother who is a near Exact representation of the general audience of this show (experienced Procedural watcher, no idea about Buddie or fandom interpretation, had no sense of gay eddie to speak of, and is not shocked but pleasantly surprised by and endeared by Bi Buck) you are SEVERELY deluded if you think what happened tonight by breaking up Bucktommy "makes sense" to any audience outside of buddies who've been writing manifestos for years about how every single thing in this show is "carefully, intentionally, clearly" leading to Buddie canon. I swear to you the people at home do not fucking see it. The people at home saw Buck in a nice, developing relationship that finally seemed to be going somewhere real for him after discovering an important part of his identity late in life, and then they saw that relationship abruptly ended and Buck heartbroken, going to sit with his best, still straight, bud Eddie Diaz. The ONLY people this makes sense for are the people who I am afraid it seems may have legimately bullied this into happening.

And if that is the case? We are sooo far fucking past the point of no return here. There is no true satisfaction in a Buddie canon endgame here for anyone who's lived through the past half a year in this fandom unless you were a perpetrator of any of the horrific shit mentioned above. I mean that with my whole fucking chest. If, and i do think it is a Big Fucking Fat if, Buddie does happen, and you find yourself no qualms happy and satisfied with it as your well earned endgame, I hope you know how rotted you are. And while I'm at it, I hope some way some how you come to see that this was not the carefully crafted beautifully developed loved story of all time you were gods bravest soldier in waiting for. Its just what left after years of meandering storytelling and cyclical character "development" with a bow slapped on top at the last moment because the gift giver was afraid you might kill them if they presented less.

Anyway. I said a million words ago that this was a love letter, and I do mean that. As much as its also been an mental health exercise for me to write this all out. So,

@kinardbuckleys @bucksboobs @kirkaut @tevankinkley @userautumn @sunglassesmish @tommyscurls @ohithankyou @buckxtommy @princessfbi @bigfootsmom @firewasabeast

(And so many other people I'm surely forgetting, and the few artists and writters on other platforms I dared to venture to- maybe never opening twitter again after this xoxo)

Thank you. You don't know me, I never quite got over the anxiety of trying to re-enter a fandom space after a time away, or maybe some of the imposter syndrome or embarrassment I felt accidentally falling in love with this show and Buck by just watching you all talk about him before anything else. But for the last few months, some of you years, you've been my community, my escape. I've loved watching your brains and your hearts work to discuss and create, even amidst the absolute shittiest fandom behavior Ive ever seen. And I am as grateful for getting to experience it from a far as I am devastated at the thought of losing it, of not individually typing in all your blog names (I was too anxious to even FOLLOW you guys truly rip) to see what new content or spec or art or love you had to share about Buck / Bucktommy every day.

In another life- one where idk perhaps people were kinder or showrunners weren't bullied and actors weren't dropped last minute after months of torment and a satisfying canon queer love story for a character who genuinely needs it could just Be in peace- I would have loved to one day put on my big girl pants (aka saved Buck url) joined the fandom for real. To have directly talked to any of you in a way that wasnt... this.

I would have loved to love Bucktommy with you.

[anistarrose]

Please, please, please remember to check the notes for an image description before reblogging! This isn't me accusing anyone of any moral failure, because building habits is hard and takes time, I totally get it. But that doesn't make it any less unfortunate when inaccessible posts are circulated, even though a described version could be found in literally three clicks. Just go "Notes" > "Reblogs" > "Comments only".

"But I want the person on my dash who reblogged the post to know I saw it from them, though!"

[Plain text: "But I want the person on my dash who reblogged the post to know I saw it from them, though!" End plain text.]

Okay, understandable — but that's easy, just like their post on your dash before reblogging from the description writer! They'll still see the like notification!

"But I scroll through tumblr on the customizable blogname.tumblr.com pages, instead of the dash or popout blog pages, and I don't have an option to check the notes that way!"

[Plain text: "But I scroll through tumblr on the customizable blogname dot tumblr dot com pages, instead of the dash or popout blog pages, and I don't have an option to scroll through the notes that way!" End plain text.]

I hear you! In fact, if you're a person who navigates blogs like that to re-circulate old posts and art, I actually think you're doing a great public service — but you still only need like two more clicks to be accessible.

When you find a post you want to reblog, save it as a draft. Don't type any tags or comments yet if you're planning to. Then go to your drafts page — either in another tab, or after accumulating more posts like this — and pop out the notes there to look for an ID. If there is one, reblog that post and delete the undescribed draft!

"I try, I really do, but I almost always forget!"

[Plain text: "I try, I really do, but I almost always forget!" End plain text.]

Like I said, I've been there. I can only recommend what eventually worked for me, but I can't suggest enough that you follow some described blogs (here is a tumblr post listing some, here is a google doc listing some). If you see IDs daily, it will hopefully become much more noticeable when they're absent.

Of course, if anyone else has another strategy that's helped, please add on!

There's a multitude of reasons why not everyone can write image descriptions for every post they share, or sometimes even any of them. But those of us who are out here writing IDs do so with that knowledge in mind — so help us help ID users have a more accessible and less aggravating online experience!

[faulix]

btw, since people love lying about me on this website:

i have not known lolthia for a year like they claim. i first learned of lolthia about a month ago when i noticed their racist treatment of my friend. it was by chance we learned of their goretober list that had abuse glorification with prompts like medical/drugged torture, kidnapping, and stalking. we were able to see that lolthia had a pattern of writing yandere, murder, and other gross topics with a quick search of their blog. THAT is why i decided to say something and call them out. period

x

i find it kind of hilarious that you're claiming to have blocked me from servers and discord so you don't have proof. i wonder if you would even know my discord, yknow, the one handle i haven't changed in years. i mean, surely if you have me blocked you would be able to pull that up easy right? let's not forget the fact that you're claiming to know me personally when you cannot even get my pronouns right.

x

the funny part about this is that barely anyone who rb'ed your callout weren't even your mutuals, with a good amount of people actually adding in the notes how fed up they were with your bullshit. i am not a big enstars blog. i'm not even talking about enstars right now. i am a small blogger with less than 100 followers who ships with the only two minor characters in enstars. a majority of people who have rb'ed your callout are not big enstars bloggers. we are small time selfshippers just trying to have a fun time on tumblr dot com. the only one who is willfully taking themselves out of the fandom or even the circle of enstars selfshippers is you. you willfully create harmful content, you paint yourself as the victim, and you refuse to apologize for multiple things such as your racism and suicide baiting.

x

i am nice to others because they are not winding up their victim complex to make me look like the bad guy. again, if you have legitimate proof that we were once friends: look at your blocklist (or your server blocklist) and post my handle. i dare you. but then again, you probably couldn't do that considering you don't know what the username is. i think the funniest thing about it is that you can't even be bothered to post the server name, can't even bother to explain how we met (shocker considering i've only been into enstars actively for like barely a year now), it is you saying "well this is clearly my word against his" when you can't even provide the basic proof that you and i ever knew each other. you probably DON'T want me to post the ask where you said that you had finally found me and lamented that we could even be friends now if i would take back my words and be the bigger person. but then again, you kind of admitted that yourself when you said you didn't know who made the callout and even said it could be multiple people because you didn't know, but hey, let's take back that and spin it as a long rooted hate campaign by me. x

btw, when i first made this post, i held off on posting it because i haven't received nonanon asks for this, so i was able to chalk it up to you just trying to send more anons toward me to get me painted as the villain, but since this morning i woke up to you making a callout post about me that was filled with lies and fake screenshots it's about time i speak up. you may have deleted it, but don't worry, i made sure to screenshot everything you said and put it in an imgur album to refresh your memory. right here, don't worry, i took every screenshot word for word so you can remember what you said.

i'm not going to post every single screenshot to this. i think it would be insane behavior to make this post even longer. so let me just some up my feelings:

in your fake screenshots not only did you try to blur out what my name was (probably because these are not actually talking about me, but hey, you thought you could make it work, right?) but you proceed to, once again, continuously use the wrong pronouns for me, which is kind of weird since you're claiming to have known me for a year.

let me reiterate this so you get it through you thick skull: i use he/it pronouns and have been doing so for years now. your callout and screenshots repeatedly uses the wrong pronouns for me. do not even bother claiming you didn't know or that i recently changed them as my past blog and every single friend i'm close with will testify to my pronouns, and i'm absolutely sick of you misgendering and degendering me and my identity. considering you've been sending me several asks you could have easily looked and my pronouns in both my description and pinned, but hey, that's another lie for you, right?

then you post a screenshot of a server main chat, but it's very convenient of you to 1.) not get the server name and 2.) leave out the date you sent it, yknow, the things that you could at least say we shared together. i wonder why you didn't bother to get that information if it was so important. oh wait, i do! it's because you are deliberately lying about me to paint yourself as the victim.

i'm not going to even dissect the lies you weave together because, once again, you are speaking without proof. this is not a case of "my words against his" you are deliberately spreading lies on the grounds that you think no one will fact check you, you tool. again, if i was such a danger to you that i would deliberately make several accounts to surpass your "ban", why would you not post my discord username or the "alt accounts" i made to protect others for safety? why don't you do so now? oh! it's because you don't know them and are lying through your teeth.

i did not send you an ask where i told you that you needed to change your goretober list to get rid of the necrophilia. if i did, how about you post it with my url and call me wrong. not to mention the biggest thing i called you out on was the fact that you were glorifying and romanticizing abuse with drugged torture, kidnapping, and stalking. but sure let's gloss over that part because that would make you look bad!

there is nothing out of context in what you said or did, it is in plain english, several screenshots where you demonized a selfshipper of color because "they were more popular than you", pulled several excuses out of your ass to ship with a 16 year old, and put suicide baits in the main enstars tags, oh but don't worry! in your eyes the enstars fandom deserved it! and you want to paint yourself as innocent? give me a fucking break.

and the absolute gall of you to proclaim you acted like this because of your bpd, which you're still rb'ing sad bpd posts now. the nerve of you to assume i am not neurotypical when i have been struggling with autism and adhd all my life, and my own bpd for the past 14 years since i was diagnosed. it is not an act of ableism to call you out on your disgusting behavior towards people of color and abuse victims. i don't care about your backstory. you know exactly what you are doing and say that you are "exploring dark themes". no one believes you, and no one ever will. and miss me with that "i didn't know the shipper's race" as if you did not see the commissions you were directly complaining about them that shows them as not white very obviously. but hey, what's one more lie for you?

just so you know: every single ask you have sent me i have kept. from where you pretended to be 10 different people, all from your original ask where you think we should "just talk it out" without you taking any accountability, thanking me for the callout, pretending to be anons sticking up for you, and even threatening me with fake evidence that i have been in enstars servers sending death threats. but hey, since i didn't respond to those so you could have ammunition as so you could say i'm stalking you and villainizing you, i guess the next step would be a callout!

i will never be as obsessed with you as you are with me. you are the stupidest person on this planet if you genuinely thought i would not catch wind of what you were doing, from sending me and my friends and mutuals several asks to deliberately lying about me on your own blog. you have sent me over 50 asks in 24 hours, spamming my inbox with anons, but you couldn't even bother changing your typing style. you can't be bothered to tell people to watch out for this discord user because, again, you don't even know who i am. you can spin a web of lies to cover your ass, but barely anyone sees through it, and no amount of anons you send yourself will never convince anyone, especially strangers who has seen your blog. i do not care about how you no longer can look forward to your sick goretober where you glorify the abuse that real people go through. i am a grown adult with a job, school life, friends, pets, and so much more. maybe you could be the same if you shaped up and stopped being on tumblr. touch some grass for once. no one will believe you. i will not delete your callout. you have deliberately done horrible acts and acted like you were being demonized because "the enstars fandom and selfshippers are mean and cliquey", as if people don't see right through what you post without care and how you act. either apologize for what you have willfully done or log off and deactivate. i don't care which. leave me alone, leave my friends and mutuals alone, and grow up.

btw, i figured i would also throw this in the enstars tags so people would know about your horrible act and how you have treated me and demonized me for the past two days for standing up for my friends and the people you've hurt. here's the original callout btw, just in case anyone's new here! i don't care how badly you say this affects you because, again the only person trying to demonize you is you yourself. you lie about every aspect to save your ass and i will not take it. i mean, you tagged my "callout" with enstars tags (despite the fact that i never interact with the enstars fandom and have been talking about brc for the past month) but hey! if you wanna act like a clown i'll treat you like one.

you are an absolute moron if you think 1.) anyone would believe you considering your past behavior and 2.) thought i would just lay over and start crytyping for an apology. you are 20 years old acting like a spoiled toddler who got punished for throwing toys at others. i have more resolve, a backbone, and friends that will always care for me and support me, sorry if you can't relate. fuck you

[alovelywaytospendanevening]

TC tag game

Thank you for tagging me, @renaultphile!

Rules: Answer the questions and tag other TC fans!

1. "He would not fucking say that" only they did and it's canon. When/who?

"Look, my dear, we've had all this in principle. Let's be sensible when something concrete turns up. We knew this whole position before we'd even spoken to each other for the first time."

Now you're being an ass, Laurie!

2. Did they kiss in the study? Yes/no + why you are 100% correct about this.

The “no kiss” option suits the plot better, I guess; Ralph probably just caressed Laurie’s face.

But I don’t think the kiss alternative sounds unreasonable. We’re talking about a Mary Renault novel, after all.

3. Mandatory question about Ralph's alleged tattoos.

I can see Ralph having a (single) tattoo, but it would be located on a discreet place, so most people can't see it.

4. 53 vs 59 edition: quote a line or paragraph that is better in the edition you like the least.

I’m used to the 1959 edition, but I don't really have a clear preference. The 1953 edition’s extras bits are very interesting, particularly the ones concerning Laurie and Andrew's relationship:

Andrew looked straight at him. "I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep; it makes one a bit stupid. I only want to know that everything's all right." "Follow this carefully. It is. It always has been. And it will be, always, as far as I'm concerned. Is that good enough?" "You spoiled it, saying it always will be. That's not real." He smiled, but not soon enough.

5. Which TC character would feel right at home here on tumblr dot com?

Nurse Adrian, with her cottagecore blog.

6. Tag yourself at Alec's birthday party.

I'm this guy, of course:

7. Post a TC meme.

Here it goes, I tried...

8. Easy to talk about who deserved better. Who deserved worse?

Madge. She managed to get away with all the mess she created.

9. You can break the fourth wall (at any point in the novel) and say a single sentence to our protagonist, Laurie Odell. What do you say?

The obvious choice is "Stop patronizing Andrew". However, "Come clean with your mother about everything" is tempting, but I do recognize this could cost their relationship, particularly after Lucy married Mr. Straike.

10. What's a question you have about TC? One you haven't found an answer for yet.

How does Laurie keep attracting all these good-looking blonde guys?!

Tagging: @laisofhyccara @mademoiselle-red @eclare1000 No pressure, of course!

[simmancy]

Happy Spooky Season, pumpkaboos! 

Here’s what’s happening this month / going forward on simmancy-dot-tumblr-dot-com.

𝙷𝚎𝚕𝚕𝚘 𝚗𝚎𝚠 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚜! 👋

Hi there if you’re new! My name is Kit, I am 32 now, this is my simblr, I am active on and off. If any of that bothers you, unfollow, it's okay! If you're here because I posted a mod list or a random piece of CC you like, then I have good news - I do those things occasionally! When I am actively posting, I usually dabble in gameplay. I don't do much storytelling anymore because... well, I don't have the time!

𝚂𝚒𝚖𝚋𝚕𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚂𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚍𝚞𝚕𝚎 🍬

I have SOME stuff I've been poking at in my ~spare time~. I love Simblreen, it's the best time of the year imo and it's just... a tradition. It's a tradition. So I'm going to try 🤞

I have been writing out a mod list centered around occults/spooky gameplay at least. So that's seasonally appropriate????? If you have a mod list request hit my inbox because I still fucking LOVE WCIFs and that's a sort of WCIF.

𝙾𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝 🎃

This year (and likely going forward), I'm going to try to use my blog to showcase the community. There's SO many cool things in the ts4 tag!! So I've been scouring it at the dead of night to refill my queue 👻 That's what you can mainly expect this month. No CAS challenges, no CC challenges, just some creepies and kookies from others around simblr.

𝚁𝚎𝚐𝚞𝚕𝚊𝚛 𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝 🌕

Hi regular followers!! I’m so sorry if you've been here a long time, because I don't have much updates on my ~classic~ gameplays and saves and they just...... won't be. For a while.

Not So Perry... I have a bit of Gen 4 but I haven't played in a whiiiiile so. I might revisit that/redo/we'll see.

Star x Crossed is indefinitely on hold - I will probably revise how that was posting because the full episodes just aren't possible right now. I might do it more as like... an edit type thing, where the edits tell the stories or whatever. It SUCKS because I had really big hopes and dreams for that save and instead I... had a child.

The Nobel ABCs will return because I have 10 generations done in game. I just need to queue.

Maggie's Wonderful Life WILL eventually be done LMAO. I'm hoping to get back into that save soonish. I LOVE farming gameplay! So I want to play/finish it. I had about half of the introductions shot before I got distracted with other things and then... well. yeah.

New saves? When I manage to play, I play a lot of newer saves LMAO. Mostly because when I have time right now I need... something easy.

𝙻𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚄𝚙𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚎 🔮

I decided I like doing this once a year Simmancy Newsletter during my favorite time of the year. Halloween remains the BEST season, and there's also no guarantee I won't drop off the face of the planet again.

Obv the main thing is that, as previously stated, I had a baby. A whole ass baby. She's now 3 months old, and she is so much in the best way. We're currently teething and if you're like "Kit that seems a bit early," you're absolutely right but this is the lot I've drawn in life. She likes to be sat up, and stood up, and to talk to the Baby in the Mirror. She also is obsessed with trees and the cat. I know new moms are annoying and I'm absolutely that annoying new mom, I literally cannot shut up about her and therefore make my sims blog also about her.

I go back to work next month and I'm absolutely dreading it. Can I just be a sim and have someone press motherlode for me? Please?

Otherwise, there's very little in Kit World. The past 6 simblr years remain wonderful, and I've met some of my best friends on here. I go between BG3 and Sims when I have game time (which isn't a lot because Baby Simmancy is increasingly awake and mobile). I WISH I had more time to hang around here but maybe in a year or so.

Anyway, that’s my update of the year. Happy spooky season everybody! I hope it’s a good one!

Stay safe & spooky out there!

[pinchofhoney]

HIII

First off: YAAAYYY we hit the same milestones together omg!

You're practically my tumblr soulmate now!!

Secondly, my request:

Ben Barnes with angst prompt 1 and fluff prompt 9.

Maybe like best friends in love but they see each other fall in love with other people before they accept their feelings and get together??

a tale of chance and destiny # 200 follower special event

» prompt event » special events masterlist

angst prompt one: “i guess i wasn’t enough, was i?”

fluff prompt nine: “how much longer are you going to hide your feelings for me, dummy?”

gif is not mine, credit to the owner

ben barnes x fem!reader

word count: 1.4k

warning: a little angst with a fluff touch, friends to lovers

summary: Life can be a whirlwind of surprises, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

a/n: oh, who do we have here?? my sweetest tumblr dot com user<33 hello!! let's shine together and continue to be delusional by writing things that will never happen lmao

pages that may interest you: masterlist ♡ taglist ♡ who i write for

taglist: @myladydarkling @alexxavicry

The torment of unrequited love had been with you for as long as you could remember. Your heart ached every time you looked at Ben, your best friend, and realized that he would probably never feel the same way about you again. Yet, you couldn't help but hold onto hope that maybe, just maybe, he would see you in a different light.

As you both grew up together, spending countless hours playing in the park, building forts in the woods, and dreaming about your future, your bond grew stronger. You shared everything with each other, including your passion for acting. You made a promise to pursue it together, and you did just that.

But fate had a cruel way of teasing you. Your friendship took an unexpected turn when you were cast as love interests in a movie. You both tried to resist the chemistry between you, but it was too strong to ignore. You dove headfirst into a romantic relationship, believing that it was meant to be. However, the harsh reality of the entertainment industry set in, and the demands of your busy schedules made it almost impossible to find time for each other. The once-strong bond began to fray, and you both realized that you were better off as friends.

The aftermath was a painful and bittersweet journey. Years went by, and both you and Ben tried to move on with your lives, dating other people and pursuing your careers. But the feelings you had for each other never completely vanished. You could still feel the intense longing, the deep yearning for something you couldn't have. The memories of what could have been haunted you, and you found yourself daydreaming about Ben, wondering if things could have been different.

One particularly rough day on set, you returned home exhausted and defeated. You collapsed onto your bed and let out a deep sigh. Your mind was filled with images of Ben with his new girlfriend, laughing and smiling together on social media. You couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy and sadness.

You dragged yourself to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. You stared at your reflection, feeling completely drained. “I guess I wasn't enough, was I?” you said to yourself, your voice barely above a whisper.

The tears fell freely down your face, and you tried to wipe them away with shaking hands. But they kept coming, a never-ending reminder of the pain you felt deep inside. You didn't know how to move on, how to forget about Ben and the feelings you had for him for all these years.

You tried to push away the feeling of sadness and jealousy that crept up inside you. You knew you shouldn't feel this way, that Ben was free to be with whoever he wanted. But the thought of him with someone else just made your heart ache.

You leaned against the bathroom sink and closed your eyes, trying to calm your racing thoughts. Suddenly, your phone buzzed on the counter, interrupting your thoughts. It was a text from Ben.

“Hey, are you okay? You seemed pretty down today,” the message read.

Your heart skipped a beat as you read his words. You hesitated for a moment before typing out a response.

“Not really. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed,” you replied.

A few seconds later, your phone buzzed again.

The pain was becoming unbearable. The thought of Ben with another woman was a constant thorn in your side, a reminder of everything you couldn't have. And now, with him asking if you wanted to talk, the temptation to spill your heart out was almost too much to bear.

You wanted nothing more than to tell him everything. To let him know how much you loved him and how much it hurt to see him with someone else. But you knew that it would only make things worse. So, you swallowed your pain and replied with a simple “No, I'm fine.”

The silence that followed was deafening. You sighed deeply and cast a quick glance at your reflection. Your smudged makeup made you look even more pathetic, as if crying for a man you couldn't have wasn't enough.

The realization hit you hard – you were in love with someone who would never love you back. You tried to push the thought away, but it clung to you like a disease. Every moment you spent with Ben was filled with the unspoken tension of unrequited love.

You had to pull yourself together, especially since tomorrow you were going to have to visit the set where you were supposed to meet Ben. You took a quick shower, where you thoroughly cleaned your face of any leftover makeup and changed into comfortable pajamas, then went straight to bed, trying not to think about your friend and the girl who made him smile widely.

But sleep was elusive, and your mind raced with thoughts of Ben. You couldn't escape the pain, no matter how hard you tried. You tossed and turned, wishing for the sweet release of unconsciousness, but it never came.

The morning came too soon, and you dragged yourself out of bed, feeling more exhausted than ever. As you got dressed, the thought of seeing Ben again filled you with both dread and excitement. You knew that you had to be strong, to put on a brave face and act like everything was okay.

But as soon as you saw him, all your resolve crumbled. The way he smiled at you, the sound of his voice, the way he moved – it all reminded you of what you couldn't have.

Despite trying to keep your feelings under control, you found it increasingly difficult to hide your emotions for Ben. Every time you saw him with someone else, your heart ached. You tried to convince yourself that his happiness was all that mattered, but deep down, you knew you were lying to yourself.

Days turned into weeks and weeks into months, and you both continued living your lives as best as you could. But little did you know, Ben was also struggling with his feelings for you. You had always assumed he was happy in his relationships, but that wasn't the case.

One day, after a long day of work, Ben asked you to come over to his apartment for a drink. You happily accepted, excited to spend some time with him. As you walked in, you couldn't help but feel nostalgic. Nothing had changed since your last visit a few months ago.

After catching up on each other's lives, you and Ben had a few drinks and began to feel more relaxed in each other's company. As the night wore on, Ben turned to you and with a twinkle in his eye, asked, “How much longer are you going to hide your feelings for me, dummy?” You felt your heart skip a beat, unsure of how to respond. You had always been afraid of confessing your feelings to Ben, afraid that it might ruin your friendship, especially since it didn't work out for you once. But Ben had something else to say, “We broke up with Lena a few days ago, and I couldn't keep it up any longer. To hide what I really feel and I know you feel the same.”

You couldn't believe it. The man you had secretly loved for so long had just confessed that he felt the same way about you. Without hesitation, you leaned in and kissed him. It was a sweet, gentle kiss that felt like all the stars in the sky had aligned just for you. It felt like everything finally made sense, and all your fears were put to rest.

You spent the rest of the night talking about your future together, dreaming up all the amazing things you could do and be as a couple. You snuggled up together on the couch, feeling content and happy.

As you left Ben's apartment that night, you couldn't help but feel grateful for all the years of friendship that had brought you to this moment. You had been through so much together, and now you were finally able to take the next step in your journey together.

You knew that the road ahead wouldn't be without its challenges. You had made mistakes in the past, and you were determined not to repeat them. But as you looked up at the starry sky, you knew that destiny had brought you and Ben together for a reason. You placed your trust in the universe and felt a sense of peace knowing that everything would work out as it should.

[thelastsaiyanprincess]

Are you open to DMs of people who just want to chat and or session

aight yall here's the deal

i have DMs set to mutuals only and for the most part do not follow many people. i do this on purpose because getting DMs from random blogs stresses me out & most people on tumblr dot com do not have good intentions. however, if we are mutuals, you can DM me anytime. i love talking to my moots! if i followed you back, it's because i am open to chatting with you.

if you're not one of my mutuals but want to DM me, you need to come off anon and ask me with ya chest. if you genuinely want to be platonic friends and do not expect ANYTHING MORE from me, including kink play and kink talk, i might consider it. but in my experience a lot of people don't actually want to be my friend. they'll just say that to get in my DMs and farm whatever it is they want from me. my trust has been broken several times by people i thought cared about me and that is why i may appear to be standoffish. however, you're always welcome to ask, and i will make my decision based on my own discernment. understand that i am not obligated to say yes nor do i owe any of you my time and attention.

at the moment i am not interested in doing casual kink play or sessions. as i learn more about myself and my own needs, i've decided that i ONLY want to do sexy kinky things with someone i am in a committed monogamous romantic relationship with. this is what will make me feel the safest and most secure. kink is a very intimate thing for me along with sex and i no longer wish to share that part of me with just anyone. i need to deeply trust you and know for a fact that you won't abandon me after the toys are put away and the bonds are released. i also do not wish to be a part of someone's roster ever again. i want to be the only one switching with my partner who values and cherishes me.

these are my boundaries and i will not tolerate anyone who does not respect them. i have been hurt in the past by people who pretended to care about me that ended up using me for pics, kink talk, RP, etc, so again if i appear overly guarded and cautious you can blame them for taking advantage of my kind heart.

[northern-passage]

Genuine thought as a fellow trans dude, I’ve seen a lot of (obviously non-serious) questions on other blogs about characters’ genitals such as “how does it look like?” and similar, and I think we all know & understand that such questions are extremely inappropriate to ask and (I hope) no one would actually go around asking these questions irl. Idk, I think we should treat trans characters just like cis ones, without any special “precautions”, so to normalise them and not make cis people treat them like fragile boxes, a thing which happens to a lot of us irl. Hope this doesn’t come off as an attack or anything lol.

no worries, i didn't take this as an attack at all. i actually agree with you, that's why i mentioned feeling conflicted about it and also mentioned that i've changed my stance on how i felt about handling Noel and Clementine in game and in explicit intimate scenes.

however, for me the problem comes from the fact that people... don't ask these kinds of questions about cis characters? i suppose people do get cheeky "who is the biggest 🤪" asks but i would hardly compare the two. to be a bit crude, no one is going to be asking if a cis character has a dick or not, or "what does it look like". of course it's natural for people to be curious, and i honestly encourage the open discussion and am happy to see trans bodies being talked about more in a positive way, but not everyone is going to be comfortable with it due to the inescapable transphobia online and in the community. sending me that kind of ask is like sending out an invitation for a debate or a discussion that i don't necessarily want to have. i also just don't think people should default to asking a random IF author on tumblr dot com to describe what bottom growth looks like.

and with most of these asks typically coming from someone who is anonymous, i have no way of truly knowing what the tone is, what their intentions are or why this is being asked - is it another trans person? or maybe someone who is just genuinely curious? or, more likely in my experience, is it someone who is going to immediately follow up this message with something transphobic after i answer? do i want to roll the dice and find out?

so while i agree with what you're saying, it's important to consider the context and the reality we live in. the IF community is not kind to trans people or trans characters. and as a trans person, my first priority is protecting myself and my mental health. so what i mean when i say "precautions," is that those precautions are for me, because i've had to deal with transphobic harassment here for years now, and i try to mitigate it as much as i can. it's also for my personal comfort - again, to be blunt, i'm simply just not comfortable discussing a trans character's genitals with anonymous strangers on the internet. it makes me feel vulnerable.

also i do want to say i didn't mean for any of that to come across as a dig at other authors - if you're comfortable answering those kinds of questions, that's really only something you can decide for yourself. like i said, this is just coming from my own experiences in IF and for my own personal comfort - i have previously talked a lot about trans stuff and gender and sexuality here, when i'm feeling up to it, but it is something that is very draining for me and can also be very upsetting.

basically: i do agree that it's important not to other trans characters or treat them any differently than cis characters, but i also think there are ways to do it that don't require me answering invasive questions or questions that i don't feel comfortable with as a real life trans person, you know what i mean?

[dollgirly]

every time some trolling ass bitch from the true crime community on tumblr dot com hops on anonymous to say the most clown behavior bullshit i laugh because what it is that keeps you miserable bitches so fucking pressed over a woman feeling a connection towards a man she's attracted to?? you ain't anybody but a hating bitch who hides behind concealing your damn identity because you know you ain't about shit, fucking weirdo. come correct or don't come at all. get a fucking hobby instead of breathing over your keyboard every second of the fucking day. you're not the bully you believe you are! i hope that helps.

edit to add on because i'm not making another post over this stupid shit; i said what i said and i meant what i said. the fact that i don't openly interact with the true crime community beside follow people i take a liking to on there yet bitches who don't shower have found my profile is telling, lmao. and mind you, all i do on here is reblog stuff i find cute. so, if you're going out of your way to start shit with me, you're the problem. i don't start beef over the man i'm married to because i know where his heart lies. it's with me and it must make you mad. mind your fucking neck. it's crazy how you know who i am yet i have no idea who you are, it's giving fan behavior and it's embarrassing. get the fuck off of my profile, you're obsessed.

[xjoonchildx]

I don't want to freak you out but can I say that I just adore you so much?

Tumblr has been a mess lately! there is so much negativity and hate around here that at times I feel like it is losing its true meaning to everyone (which is to create or consume what you like, make friends and have fun).

But I feel safe seeing you around really. not exaggerating it. that is really how I feel. the way you make your followers and mutuals feel safe to interact with you, the way you respond to every little ask with utmost kindness and the way you are so humble even after being one of the big names here in this community, I really really appreciate it all! I wish people here were more like you.

I love ya! XOXO

ANON oh my goodness this is so sweet 😭 💕 😭 

i love that my blog feels like a safe space to you, and i hope it feels that way for other people, too. but i get what you mean about the hate and the nastiness that's been going around here on the ol' tumblr dot com. it's been ... messy.

see the thing is that i never really address the drama on the dash, but rest assured i know about it. and i've seen it firsthand. you really would not believe the mean girl shit i've seen behind the scenes on this site. some people get a following and they just lose? their? minds?

we're never going to play that game here. when i started this blog i had a very specific idea about what kind of environment i wanted to have here. i want people to be free to speak their minds, interact, and most importantly have fun.

thank you for riding with me this entire time. every single person who's read and commented and shared my stories has become a part of my experience on this site, which has been overwhelmingly positive. you guys make this rad for me, so i want to make it rad for you, too.

i hope you're having an amazing day. are you doing something just for you? hope so. thank you for the beautiful message 💕

[vanmarkus]

Does it ever make you sad how the "big blogs" are so shut off from the fandom? The ones I followed right away when I got into the show, I've unfollowed by now. Everyone seems to be friends with them but if you're not in the inner circle, I don't know how that works. They don't tag their stuff, they don't reblog other people's posts, they don't follow new blogs, it's weird

hmmm interestingly this is actually a topic that comes up more often lately

here's the thing; popular blogs don't have to tag cuz their friends are all popular blogs too, so just by passing along a post amongst themselves they get it seen by people who would've found them through the tags, which is what it is, honestly.

on the other hand the cliques are definitely real and it's usually all 'if you have x amount of notes regularly, then you're cool enough to interact with me'

when I join a new fandom, I always start off by following big blogs and then finding smaller ones I like, until I can unfollow the big ones lmao they are very rarely run by nice enough people to keep and usually just too full of themselves unfortunately (regardless of why they are popular and how objectively or subjectively good what they post is)

my only opinions about this are that a) you don't actually wanna be friends with these people and b) if you're a popular blog acting like this: this is tumblr dot com, you run a fandom blog, it's not even paying your bills, get some perspective!

[donnerpartyofone]

i find you unimaginably cool and ive expressed to you before on anon the sentiment that i feel a deep kinship towards you for how you speak so candidly abt your own stupidity (pls dont take that as me calling you stupid) bcuz i feel exactly the same way abt my own stupidity and hate when ppl try to talk me out of it but ANYways i just saw your post abt writing a novelization of splice and i am literally reeling. i love that weird ass movie so much and i think writing a novelization of it is one of the most off the wall and amazing things ive ever heard of. i hope that you will share when it is published bcuz i cannot wait to read it. pls know that someone out there understands you (or at least understands you as best as someone can thru this parasocial lens of tumblr and how you choose to share yourself there) and that someone out there thinks you are basically what i hope i can be when i grow up. thank you for sharing. thank you for articulating yourself as well as you do (i too have the itch to tell you you are not stupid but bcuz i know how it is i wont do it but besides that, i think you are one of the clearest and most well articulated writers ive ever encountered online or elsewhere). sorry, this all feels insane to type. im off two tallboy ipas and i just think youre great.

Dearest Correspondent,

Oddly enough, just the other day somebody liked an older post of mine, and when I clicked on it to remind myself of what it was, the next post down was your last message. Anyway, thanks! The whole novelization business is really funny. Do people even know what they are anymore? I didn't know anybody still made them until I was hired to do SPLICE. I used to get them from the drugstore sometimes when I was a kid because my parents were very uptight about what I watched, but they wouldn't be caught dead restricting anyone's reading habits. During my initial conversation with the SPLICE publisher, we kind of bonded over our memories of the CHILD'S PLAY 2 novelization, of all things, that seemed to help me a lot in addition to my ideas about what SPLICE should be like on paper. I tend to think of novelizations as just another piece of merch, but when you write them, I don't know, like you really have to live out the movie in your mind over and over again to figure out what the characters are experiencing physically, environmentally, how their emotional experiences affect their bodies, etc. You have to fill in the blanks of what they think and sense just enough to make your transcription convincing, while staying within certain bounds to honor what the filmmaker meant to say. SPLICE started as kind of a lark for me, and then almost immediately it became extremely personal; when I was nearing the end of my first draft I thought, "OK, well, I guess everyone is about to find out how insane I am." I was afraid it just sounded "crazy" and wouldn't be what the publisher was expecting. But after I turned it in, the surprise encouragement I got from actual-Vincenzo Natali was pretty amazing, so maybe it's good! Maybe you really CAN'T tell how crazy I am, and it's just very entertaining. You'll have to wait and see.

Parasocial relationships are tricky, huh, especially here on tumblr dot com. The best thing you can do for yourself is just be very aware that they are happening within you, a test you seem to have passed. I think a lot of us come here seeking understanding of our weirdest parts, but the more you put out there to find the people who get what you're saying, you simultaneously get a lot of reminders that most people have no idea what you're talking about. There will be people who seem to hate you because they've misunderstood you, and there will also be people who love you but whose interactions prove that they have absolutely no idea what you're communicating. I recently culled a bunch of followers because they were just creating a lot of noise, even though they may have meant well, and I was losing the clarity I needed to keep doing this. I started to see every post as a worrisome opportunity to find out how poorly people can possibly read me, and suppressing the urge to re-explain myself every day was becoming exhausting. And ironically, around the same time, I was briefly mutuals with one of my favorite bloggers ever, and just as I thought we were becoming chummy, they unfollowed me. I didn't freak out, actually I just unfollowed them back because I was concerned about being annoying, but I did have all kinds of Thoughts about this event. I have spent a lot of time reviewing what my projections were about that person, and what my personal investment in their narrative says about me. I think there could be something good to get out of this audit, even though the whole episode is sort of embarrassing. But Tumblr definitely gives you a lot of opportunities to examine your own filters, clean them out once in a while, and get to know yourself a little better--even if other people seem to be getting to know you a little worse! You just have to stick to your own course and see what comes of it.

Uh. What the hell was I saying. I don't know! But I appreciate your messages, I feel "gotten" by them. Some of the follower upheaval recently did involve the way that I process my experience of my own stupidity out loud on here--like I know that sometimes folks are trying to be helpful by contradicting me whenever I sound "negative" (read: realistic), but being told (by strangers) how to feel about yourself and that you're wrong about your own experiences is actually really awful, confusing, frustrating, and undermining. So I don't mind being reminded that my signal is coming through for at least some people. I hope you're doing good this holiday season. I wonder what beers you had, they sound fun!

Good tidings to you,

C

PS Isn't "on here" a weird phrase? I always feel like a primate when I say it, but I have yet to find a different phrase that conveys the same thing as accurately.

[spindrifters]

dude i really dont know how to tell you this in a comprehensible way but im just so in awe at you. i've been following your blog for maybe two months or smth bc of the constant wolfstar spam and really enjoy that.

but also i find it so so nice to see an adult in fandom that is comfortable with being an adult in fandom. i've seen lots of people turn away from fandom activity as they grow older (especially from harry potter related stuff. ig it becomes embarrassing for people) but i couldn't imagine that for myself as it is a big part of my own life. why would i stop engaging in a community that shares art and stories and beliefs?

(also as i'm a nonbinary teenager my heart just kind of jumps seeing an adult whos comfy presenting themselves like that on the internet. i'm finishing school soon and growing into the age where lots of people in my social circle seem to expect from me to grow out of this "phase". ALSO i make art myself and its just cool to see "real" writers in fandom. (i really hope me telling you this doesn't bother you.))

i just wanna tell you that your silly little posts always make me giggle and this blog feels like its own little safe space :) hope you're having a nice day <3

I want you to know that it really made my day to wake up to this.

I remember being a teenager and seeing my 30+ fandom friends and just sort of thinking well that's great for them, but there was an underlying assumption that I'd probably grow out of it by then. which made me really sad, but I assumed it was just a natural part of growing up. and then I didn't grow out of it. but more importantly, like you've said, I became really comfortable with it. if football fanboys can have their niche obsessive interests their whole life, then so can I. that's something that happens across the board, at least in my experience. I hit 27 or 28 I think and started embracing things I thought I'd have to put away as an adult, only now I had the freedom to do it in ways I didn't when I was younger. (I'm not just talking fandom. I'm talking dying my hair pink after 7 years of blonde because it made me happy and I stopped caring about it looking professional.)

and I do think part of this is because there's no actual way to 'be an adult.' part of that's because the markers and milestones boomers and much of gen x had don't really exist for us anymore. so you get older and it's a realization that, "I don't have to look and act like an adult. an adult looks and acts like me, because that's what I am." and then you start to meet other people who think similarly. the community of 30+ fans here on tumblr dot com are honestly some of the best people I know.

anyway, all this is to say, I so remember what those growing pains you're going through/can see on the horizon were like, especially relating to the interests I had that society messaged to me were shameful to have. I was a teenager during peak fangirl shaming of the 00s/10s. so I turned it into a fucking career instead.

I'm really, really glad that this feels like a safe space for you, it makes my lil gremlin heart very cozy and warm. xx

[numetaljackdog]

sos

my number one skill is never shutting the fuck up ever and indeed in many circumstances it's more of a curse than a blessing because i genuinely can't control it for the most part but it does come in handy including throughout the entirety of my academic experience as well as just about every desk job i've ever had because it means i can fill a lot of space with a vast quantity of words that scan with a great deal of clarity and cohesion despite ultimately saying very little over the course of that volume. the result of this is that those who are reviewing my writing, which are usually people with varying degrees of power over my continued success, scan the content i've generated and deem it to be of high quality because everything seems well-thought out and competently composed and so they give it an instant pass, at least as long as they aren't paying too much attention, which - spoiler alert! - pretty much nobody ever is. they've all got their own shit to worry about, things that matter far more to them than whether or not you ended a sentence with a preposition in your 10-page report for a course that they're already sick of. now, what i did just there was a little trick where i actually violated my own natural cadence and patterns of writing in order to include a little gag! in the sentence where i mention the concept of ending a sentence with a preposition, i did just that; the sentence ended with "of." but for me, i normally would have phrased that sentence as follows: "they've all got their own shit to worry about, things that matter far more to them than whether or not you ended a sentence with a preposition in your 10-page report for a course that they're already sick of teaching." if this were actually a report with a word count minimum, obviously i would include that final word at the end of the sentence, because getting all cute and meta with the way i phrase things isn't worth losing that extra word of length. but in projects where the minimum requirements are more lax, i find it's helpful for my motivation to allow myself to have a little bit of genuine fun with it and liven the place up some. of course, that only applies if you're like me and you're a massive nerd who has fun doing that sort of thing, but i would say that there's a pretty decent chance that is true about you, seeing as how you're on tumblr dot com, a website that has an observably quite high population of huge nerds, and also you're presumably following me, which means you've identified with my nerd self enough to choose to see more of my blog. for what it's worth to you, my external keyboard seemingly ran out of battery several sentences ago, which is really kind of funny when you think about it. what an ironic time for that to happen, as i'm discussing and demonstrating my ability to type forever and ever! this is the first time i've had the battery in this keyboard die, so it must have had fresh ones in at the time i got it. i wouldn't know for sure, because i got it secondhand from someone i know who was clearing out some old inventory from their workplace's office building. that's where i got my big external monitor, as well. i really like tech appliances but honestly i really don't know much about them, that was never my area of expertise. as is likely obvious from this post alone, my passions have always remained more with the humanities. good god i have to stop now before i give you my whole fucking autobiography but i think by now i've sufficiently proven my point - i could easily do this until the end of time.

i have to create a new block now because of tumblr's character-per-block limitation. the one last thing i'll tell you is that, since i'm now typing on my laptop's keyboard which is at a somewhat awkward angle from me, my wrists are in danger of mucking with the trackpad, and just a few moments ago i accidentally selected the entire wall of text i've typed here and replaced it with what i was continuing to type. so thank goodness for the tumblr post editor's ability to undo, or else nobody ever would have seen this very intellectual and not at all frivolous and annoying post that i've generated here. if you actually read all of this, you're a huge freak and i'm proposing to you right now.