#you know the volcano monster from moana?

[miinteaa]

Piece of writing I found from grade 6

 “I can’t sail to Hawaii in a boat in this condition! Who am I kidding! I am only twelve after all! I will die! I am too young to die!”. 

Then all of a sudden 2 figures appeared on her shoulders: an angel and a devil. 

The angel said “ Don’t do it! You will regret it! You will die!”

“So what!” interjected the devil,”so what! Chicken chicken chicken!” 

“you will die” 

“chicken!” 

“you will regret it!”

 “bwack bwack bwack!”

 “You could die!” 

“bwack bwack bwack!” 

“DIE!”

 “CHICKEN!”

 “DIE!”

 “CHICKEN!”

 “DIE!”

 CHICKEN!!!” 

“Both of you STOP it!” Sally cried in frustration.

[hiccanna-tidbits]

“Let her come to me.”

Cyan waves ripple aside, and Moana steps onto the wet sand. In the distance, glowing veins of bright red stand out against pitch black and smokes and sparks and cinders fill the sky.

All fire and fury and burning...like the worst of you. And the best.

The creature in the distance shrieks, drops to all fours and starts crawling across the seafloor. Mindless, furious, feral--far out of her reach. But she has to try.

Water coats her like a protective shell, flowing and rippling across her skin in a sort of dancing armor. Her hair rises and falls like ocean waves, encased in a little pocket of sea.

I have crossed the horizon to find you.

She’s come so far, sailed oceans and followed stars and felt so lonely and pained and lost she feels like she might die--but she kept on anyways. She kept on because all she wants in the world is fiery hair and eyes like the morning sky and the loudest presence she’s ever known and if she fucks this up now, she might never have that again.

And Moana would cross another horizon, if she had to. If that’s what it took to get her back.

Searing, clawlike fingers throw up wet sand. Moana keeps on. 

I know your name.

“You’re Merida Dunbroch,” she says, voice cracking. “You’re the best archer I’ve ever met. You’re crude and brash and unapologetic and fearless. You’d take on the whole world if it meant you could prove yourself. You love empire biscuits and apple tarts and you’d finish a whole roast chicken yourself if no one stopped you. You snort when you laugh and you eat like you’ll never see food again. You love feeling the wind in your hair, and getting it even more tangled because your mom used to hate brushing it out afterwards. You’ll climb to the top of any rock or cliff you can, no matter how dangerous it is, just so you can take in the view and drink in the wind. You’d do anything in the world for your little brothers, but you’d never, ever tell them that. You carved my name into your bow and told me it was so...so you could always take me with you, wherever you went.”

Moana’s voice breaks.

They have stolen the heart from inside you.

She remembers the smoke coming in and clouding the island, Te Ka lunging across the waves and onto the beach. The villagers screaming, fleeing to the top of the mountain to get out of the beast’s reach. Merida, the outsider, the one who fled from a kingdom far, far away to escape a destiny she didn’t want, the one whose boat had washed up one day and forced her to integrate to an entirely new way of life, bravely standing her ground with her sword brandished. The way she swung and struck and screamed with everything she had, trying to take down a monster twenty times her size to protect a village she had only called home for a little over a year. The way she kept fighting even as Te Ka closed her hands around her and black rock began to grow on her skin.

She kept fighting until the very end, when Te Ka took her away. When Te Ka corrupted her, made her into something just like the vast, wrathful goddess.

When the lava coursed through her, it must have burned her heart away until she was left with nothing, like Te Ka.

But there had to be something still in there. Moana had to believe that.

She couldn’t come all this way to find out she was wrong.

But this does not define you.

The lava beast draws closer. Moana can see the eyes. They’re vast, golden-orange pits, impossible to read.

Impossible to see if the girl she knew was still behind them.

But she had to be. Merida Dunbroch was not one to go down with a fight. Not one to let herself be lost completely. She was the strongest person Moana had ever known.

This is not who you are.

The anger. The rage. The hatred. The pain. Moana knew they all belonged to Merida--all things Te Ka could feed off of to power her little double. Anger at being forced to be someone she wasn’t, rage at being ���auctioned off” into a political marriage when she knew she could never love a man. Hatred at a world that didn’t care to understand her, that told her every time she was loud or impassioned or stubborn that it made her shameful and disgusting and worthless. The pain at being trapped and alone in a place where she was going to have to put on a facade for the rest of her life.

But there was more in her. She smiled radiantly, she laughed hard, and she loved fiercely. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for people who showed her kindness and care. She loved amusing the other villagers, loved making her friends happy. She doted on Pua and HeiHei with surprising gentleness.

There was so much more in her than anger and chaos and cruelty and destruction. And that was what Moana needed her to remember.

You know who you are.

The lava creature pauses, snarling mouth hanging open, hair flowing behind in billows of smoke. Moana steps forward, willing her to remember. Needing her to remember. The playful shoves, the evening dance lessons, sipping coconut water as they watched the sun go down. Moana knew all of it still had to be inside of her somewhere.

What had once been Merida wouldn’t be pausing in attacking her if it wasn’t.

Moana steps forward, and the lava creature doesn’t move. Taking a breath, she presses their foreheads together. It burns and sears like anything, but Moana just doesn’t care. The lava creature closes her eyes, still and calm in a way Moana never thought she’d see again.

“Who you truly are,” she whispers.

She reaches up and places a water-cased hand on the hard, rocky chest, and the lava beneath sizzles and steams as it dries and hardens into black rock. A soft rumble fills the air as the rock begins to split, water snaking over it and burrowing into the cracks. Chunks begin to shear off and thump into the sand, and Moana catches sight of pale skin and a torn dress.

She watches in wonder as the ebony shell crumbles away--first her chest, then her arms, and finally her face. Two wide, pale blue eyes stare at her in amazement as smoke disperses and lava slides away and what’s left is a head full of bouncy orange curls.

“Mo?”

Merida says it uncertainly, like she’s in the strange space between wake and sleep where she can’t quite tell what’s real and what’s in her mind. Moana laughs, and she wraps Merida in her arms and crushes the other girl against her--so she’ll know this is real.

“You’re back,” Moana sniffs. Somewhere in her laughs, tears have begun to fall. “You came back to me.”

Merida laughs, and holds her back. They both sink into the sand, clinging to each other like there’s nothing else in the whole universe to cling to.

And maybe there isn’t.

“What are yeh doin’ way out here?” Merida murmurs against her ear, tone surprisingly stern. “The ocean’s a dangerous place, lassie. And Ah know damn well yeh can’t actually sail, no matter what et is yeh tell yerself.”

“I had to come to you,” is all Moana says.

Merida seems to melt even further into her grip. “Yeh...came all this way...for me?” Her voice breaks as she says it. “Why?”

“I love you.”

The words slip out before Moana can stop them.

Merida leans back and studies her inquisitively, and all Moana can think is I’m fucked.

The next second Merida’s hands are on her cheeks and she’s pulling the other girl forward to kiss her ferociously.

Moana is frozen, stupefied, completely unable to move. She never thought she’d be here, living this moment--but bringing Merida back was only the first of the miracles to happen today, apparently.

Moana slowly lifts her arms, draping them over Merida’s shoulders and melting into her.

“Ah love yeh, too, lass.” Merida pauses long enough to breathe it into her ear. “Ah just didn’t know how tae say et. Ah never thought yeh’d look at me that way. Ah was scared yeh might think et was...wrong.”

Moana responds by kissing her again. Before they know it, they’re tipping over, lying entangled on the wet ground. Sand stirs around them, slowly coating their skin and already-dirtied clothes as they press closer and closer into each other, but they realize that they just don’t care.

Moana is filling with warmth--so vast and full and overpowering that she can’t help but wonder if Merida still has some of that lava left in her. Whether she does or not, Moana can only form one thought as she laces her fingers through sandy red curls.

I’m never letting you go again.

***

When Merida next feels lava on her skin, it’s dozens of years later.

She doesn’t know what to make of it, waking up with cracked black rock on her skin again and streams of lava curling away from her scalp in fiery hair. But it doesn’t burn, it doesn’t hurt--it feels all too right. The power, the passion, the vigor of when she was taken over by Te Ka is there--but this time, she can control it.

Merida lived a long life. A happy life. She stayed on Motunui--even when the village began voyaging again, charting new lands, she always came back to their home with Moana. Her Moana. They passed together on a summer evening, lying on the beach with their hands entwined and the tribe safely in the hands of the fine young man they had chosen to be the next chief-to-be.

When Te Ka became Te Fiti, it appeared a vacancy opened--the need for a goddess of volcanoes and lava, now that the goddess of life had returned. Life was a cycle, after all--you couldn’t have green and growth and lushness with burning magma and barren rock and life sizzled out. That’s where Merida guessed she came in.

It baffled her, why some outsider like herself would be chosen for such an honor. She had worked hard at becoming a great warrior, protecting the people she had adopted as her own. But ascending to godhood? She didn’t deserve something like this.

And then she sees her walking over the horizon.

Her body is made entirely of water--curves in shining cyan, dress splashing around her laced with foaming whitecaps, hair whipping behind her in rippling ocean waves. But her hands, her face, her eyes--there’s no mistaking it’s her.

“Moana?” Merida whispers.

They run to each other, ripping across land and pounding through sea to reach one another. When they crash together, steam rises around them in graceful billows--the heat of lava and the cool of ocean, united into a gentle mist.

“Moana? How are we here?”

“The ocean chose me a long time ago, to return the heart of Te Fiti and restore life to the world,” Moana murmurs into her shoulder. “And now it’s chosen me again--for something more important. I’m one with the ocean now, making sure it brings and sustains life for all the generations to come. But you...you deserve to be here with me, contributing to the endless cycle.” She leans back and gives Merida a soft smile. “So I may have put in a good word for you.”

Merida laughs. “Are yeh sure et isn’t cuz yer too clingy tae let me go?”

Moana just smles. “That too. I guess eternity seems a lot more tedious to pass when you’re not there.”

They’re an odd pair. The goddess of the ocean, who gives homes to sea turtles and whales and bright fish, who guides ships between islands, who’s always there for someone to dip their feet in on a hot day...and the goddess of volcanoes, who explodes with burning magma, who rains ash and smoke across the sky, who brings unquestionable death to all those who don’t get away fast enough. But when they touch, when they kiss, when they tangle themselves up in one another, pieces of volcanic rock topple into the sea and grow lush and full with life bursting from every seam. The goddess of the sea and the goddess of lava make more life together than they ever could apart. 

Sometimes they must temper one another. An especially vicious volcanic explosion is stopped only by the cool calm of the sea. Fierce stormclouds that could sink ships are pulled apart by clouds of smoke and ash. Magma rises from the ocean floor, calming tsunamis. Rain puts out the worst of the fires from spewing lava. It’s a balance.

But at the end of the day, when the sky clears and new islands come to be, green and lush and full of fruit and palm trees and vines and animals that hum and chirp and buzz, there can be no doubt that the two goddesses can’t be without each other.

There can be no doubt that the goddess of the ocean and the goddess of volcanos are deeply--and eternally--in love.

***

WELL WELL WELL! A lot of people seemed to really like my Moanida Goddess AU, so I made a moodboard and started writing a drabble and...this happened, I guess? The story came out a lot longer and more angsty than I planned, but oh well--hope y’all like it!

Legit love how these two balance each other out. I feel like the chaotic, reckless “fire energy” of Merida definitely needs kind of a calm, rational “water energy” from someone like Moana. Merida needs someone level-headed to talk her out of doing Dumb Shit without being mean-spirited or talking down to her about it, and Moana needs someone like Merida to drag her out of her comfort zone and help her face off her demons and self-doubt and whatever. Literally a perfect match! God I fucking love Fire x Water pairings so much. Can you tell I’m also a fan of Zutara

Also yeah I’d definitely be on board with Moana x Te Fiti if Fi wasn’t a giant-ass goddess like 20 times Moana’s size. Can you tell? But sue me, that entire scene did in fact have sapphic vibes.

@takaraphoenix Moanida time!!!

Pic credits available upon request!

[theshiniest]

evil!maui au

everything in the movie stays pretty much the same, maui tries to steal the heart of te fiti but fails and a couple millennia later, moana finds the heart and sets on a journey to find him and ask for help in restoring the heart.

bUT

maui didn’t lose his hook and didn’t get banished to a desert island. instead, he dropped the heart in the ocean and fled, spending all the latter years trying to hide the fact that he didn’t succeed by doing even more great deeds. but he has already done most of what could be done (slowed down the sun, lifted the islands, planted palm trees, scared all the monsters away) so he has nothing to do. none of the things he can do now like kissing babies or helping old ladies carry water can compare to his marvelous feats.

so he’s all miserable but then his secret monster lover, the prince of lalotai, kills his grandmother, the queen, in hopes of inheriting the throne, but instead gets chased away from lalotai by monsters who deemed him murdering someone who raised him and trusted him as an atrocious betrayal. so now tamatoa (who else might it be) has to hide on the surface because lalotaians are eager to get revenge on him.

maui comes up with a plan. he offers tamatoa shelter, food and treasure in exchange for frequent little favors. tamatoa agrees and right after the first “favor” realizes what an absolute win for him this is

maui unleashes him on a human village

lets him eat a couple people (shush, it’s an evil! au, he’s a self absorbed bitch with no morals) and then triumphally arrives to “fight” him and scare him back into the ocean. unsuspecting village people honor maui as their savior, tamatoa gets back to his and maui home island.

all these years their scheme seems to work. terrified villagers from different islands add new and new features to the beast they saw in their legends, so no one really thinks about all these monsters possibly being the same one. everything’s perfect. maui himself lives in an abandoned village on a desolate island and keeps tamatoa in a cave under the island’s dead volcano. he has a bunch of human henchmen (who are either as evil as him and want to use being seen with the hero to their own benefit or terrified of him and do as he and tamatoa say to protect their own islands/villages/families) to help him in planning new attacks and in taking care of tamatoa. said tamatoa just chills in the cave, eats whatever henchmen manage to catch or whatever maui brings him and just... drags maui inside sometimes for some affection time.

then moana arrives. she goes “hey man we’re kinda dying and you’re like a hero help us” and explains to him that decaying te fiti produces darkness that kills all living things (you can actually remove darkness in this au instead just no new life can come to the world since te fiti’s gone) and at first he’s trying to make up an excuse but after seeing that moana actually has the heart and it’s not easy to trick her (she’s already starting to understand what’s going on), he knocks her out and orders his henchmen to bring her to tamatoa as a meal. everything else is pretty much up to you /// ////

bonus points:

since maui is just as cruel and inhumane, he and tamatoa are in IN LOVE IN LOVE. maui acts all cocky and charming when he first meets moana, then changes his demeanor to cold, aggressive and ruthless when he realizes how much of a threat to his agenda she is, but when he thinks he and tamatoa are alone, he’s tender and caring and affectionate and moana (watching while she hides in the same cave) just _knows_ it’s not an act. on the other hand, tamatoa amazes her with how gently he holds and kisses his tiny demigod bf, how carefully he plays with his hair, all the sweetest little pet names they call each other. basically, tamatoa is maui’s only weak spot.

to contrast tamatoa and maui’s manipulative natures, henchmen are simple people, simple to the point of stupid leaning. good for comedy

tamatoa’s degree of wickedness is even higher - he’s a literal monster, after all. sometimes his thoughts out loud and suggestions are a little too much even for maui

treasure, food and shelter aren’t the only thing maui promises. after discovering that the heart’s not lost, he and tamatoa come up with a new plan to show humans the heart, achieve their unconditional trust and with the power of creation, conquer lalotai to get tamatoa his throne. they never talk about it but both know that after having both human and monster armies WITH the heart of te fiti, they will be powerful enough to challenge gods and risky enough to actually do it

just two gay pieces of shit loving each other is this too much to ask

/ fun fact, this originated on our discord upon seeing this ↓ scene from rio and thinking of a way to make it a tamatoa parody. i proudly present to you, an event that totally happened. the smugglers as the henchmen, marcel as maui and (obviously) nigel as tamatoa >;3

[avionvadion]

Had the weirdest dream.

It was Halloween (twst version) but took place in the hotel from Kingdom Heart’s Traverse Town, but played out in FF X-2 mini game style.

The entire time people kept challenging me to a duel, and I was backing up and picking up random cleaning supplies, and instead of casting magic at them I would be spraying them with the cleaning supplies until they surrendered. After winning, the people would question why I didn’t just kill them and it was like, “Why would I??”

And they would start questioning me after giving me the keys to enter other rooms in the hotel, and then someone that was sitting at a bar commented, “Oh? Shall we duel next then?”

And I whirl around like, “If you’re ready to lose!”

But then I see that it’s Rook mother freaking Hunt and I just backed away saying,

“but first let me rest because I’m TIRED.” Like a coward because I’m not about that life where one gets freaking destroyed and possibly killed by Rook Hunt who you just know is a tank of a fighter, physical or magical, and could track you down within seconds.

So, going back into mini game style, I booked it out of there while spraying cleaning supplies at all the magicam monsters who were in my way. And then the dream turned into Lilo and Stitch with Jumba and Peakley, but Aqua from KH was there too, and I don’t really remember what happened but they were trying to figure out where I (as Lilo) lived and I told them, and Jumba was like,

“Wait. Is there more water where you are from or more volcano?”

Because I guess the many volcanos were about to erupt. Then Aqua and Peakley started panicking, throwing me into the submarine space ship thing, and Jumba was yelling. “We need to get you super water suit! And super lava suit!” Like this was Pokémon ORAS, but I was like “okay” and then we were underwater while the volcano was erupting, and a giant squid heartless (that was glowing very Moana “shiny” style) started attacking the ship we were in, and we were all screaming, and then Aqua snapped and took the reins and beat up the squid using gummi ship mechanics and then the dream ended.

And then I couldn’t go back to sleep 😂

[mst3kproject]

605: Colossus and the Headhunters

I usually find the Hercules/Maciste episodes of MST3K to be pretty good fun, and as you could probably tell from the number of similar films I’ve used as Episodes that Never Were, I do enjoy the genre.  It was therefore a surprise to realize I hadn’t seen Colossus and the Headhunters in literally years, and I wondered why not.  The answer?  I think it’s because it’s honestly kind of dull.

As the movie begins, some unfortunate cave people are crushed when a volcano showers them in styrofoam boulders.  Whether they have anything to do with the more Greco-Roman folks we see in the speaking roles, I don’t know – but mere moments after young Ario’s dying father charges him with finding their people a new home, Maciste shows up!  He leads them to his raft on the beach, and they set sail as the whole island falls apart. I hope that wasn’t supposed to be Atlantis.  It wasn’t nearly impressive enough to be Atlantis.

Anyway, they decide to head for the land of the Uriels, where there’s supposed to be a city of gold.  Some undetermined amount of time later, they get there, but there’s no golden city waiting for them, just a tribe of guys in kerchiefs who shoot Maciste and take everybody else prisoner.  This is merely a misunderstanding, however – these are the Uriels, whose city of gold was taken over by the evil Kermes with the help of his following of Headhunters! At first Maciste isn’t interested, since he doesn’t want to take on a new project until he’s done saving the island people, but when the Headhunters attack the Uriel camp, he can’t just leave them to be slaughtered.

I love the name Kermes. It sounds like something you’d get if The Muppet Show put on a sketch about Greek mythology.  Mighty Gonzeus rules Olympus, with his brother Fozzeidon and his messenger Kermes! Actually, there are a lot of amusing names in this one.  If the hero is My Cheesesteak, then the deposed king is Honey Badger, and IMDB insists there’s a character named Gunk.

There are a number of other rather cynical observations I find myself making while watching this movie.  One is that, despite the fact that nearly all the cavemen we saw killed in the opening were male, there seem to be at least twice as many men as women among the refugees – both the island people and the Uriels.  This could be a problem for both groups.

Then there’s the fact that the movie can’t make up its mind just how strong Maciste is. When he’s shot by an arrow he pulls it out and then just walks away despite the blood pouring down his chest, and in scenes no more than a day or so later, he’s completely healed.  Yet just two or three opponents can keep him busy enough to allow Kermes and his toady to escape?  But wait, in the final battle he takes on ten at a time with ease? He couldn’t bend the metal bars of a portcullis, but he finds his way into the prison chamber beyond by punching through a stone wall?  And how the hell did he miss the giant lever that raises the portcullis, anyway?

The dialogue is remarkably inane.  Most of the lines seem to be things like, “don’t worry, it’ll be all right,” “we’re being defeated,” and “be quiet.”  The English dubbing is half-assed at best, never matching the lip movements and voiced without enthusiasm.  The costumes are ridiculous.  Most of the island people wear brightly patterned loincloths.  The Uriel priest wears a diaper on his head and Amoa sports a series of silly costumes, some of which she has visible trouble walking in.

When I reviewed Goliath and the Vampires, I noted that Maciste movies were rarely in continuity with each other – this is a fine example.  It was made by the same director as Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules just a year later, and in fact the opening volcanic eruption is lifted from the earlier movie.  In Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules, Maciste was played by a guy named Reg Lewis, who walked off into the sunset with Princess Moa at the end.  In Colossus and the Headhunters, our hero is Kirk Morris, who leaves at the end with a different girl.  No attempt is made to even pretend the two stories happen in the same universe. Indeed, Colossus and the Headhunters might almost be a remake!

Consider: both stories concern a group of refugees who aren’t much welcome in their new home.  The locals are ruled by a usurper, aided by members of a third tribe rather more savage than the other two, while the deposed queen quietly refuses to marry him. Maciste is able to bring about peace between the two groups by saving them both from disaster, and at the end the queen runs off with him instead of taking her place as ruler, I guess because girls would rather give blow jobs than orders.

If Colossus and the Headhunters is just a second stab at Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules, then we should probably ask if it’s any better. Well… sort of.  There are no terrible felt monsters in this one, and the things that go on are slightly less ridiculous, but in a way that actually hurts the movie.  If you read my review of Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules, you’ll remember that it was bad enough to be downright hilarious.  Colossus and the Headhunters has significantly less in it that’s over-the-top enough to be funny.  There are breathing corpses, plastic skeletons, and a cosmetology class’ mannequin head on top of a pole, but it’s not quite corny enough to get a laugh. People topple off a rope bridge into a river, but they’re not dramatic enough to be funny (though Maciste’s reaction to getting hit with an arrow is pretty close).  The dubbing is bad, but not amusing-bad, and so on.

In a couple of others ways, Colossus and the Headhunters is significantly worse, for example in its portrayal of cultures.  In Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules, the Sun and Moon tribes were quite simplistic but they were internally consistent and you could sort of see how each one worked.  In Colossus and the Headhunters we meet three different peoples, none of whom even come close to that.  The island people, of course, we barely see – they flee their homeland and then most of them vanish while only Ario accompanies Maciste to save the Uriels.  The headhunters are stock savages in briefs and warpaint, so the only ones we get to see very much of are the Uriels themselves.

We don’t exactly see them at their best, of course – their golden city is in ruins and the remnants of their people are hiding in the woods or living in tents in a field.  What we do see, however, is a weird mix of motifs that never manages to gel.  There are Grecoey-Romany elements, particularly in the costumes, but the artefacts range from the pseudo-medieval to the pseudo-Aztec, while many of the names (such as Amoa) sound almost Polynesian. Then there’s stuff like the ridiculous purple tutu Amoa’s handmaiden (her name is Moana, and the last time I watched this episode was so long ago that wasn’t funny yet) wears to dance at her mistress’ wedding, which doesn’t belong in any sort of ancient past.

Also, Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules was actually about its two peoples and what happened when they found themselves competing for resources.  In Colossus and the Headhunters, the island people who are first to be introduced are ultimately irrelevant.  For most of the story they’re off hiding somewhere while Maciste takes time out to help the Uriels.  Only Prince Ario sticks around, and he never does anything of importance.  Why are they even in this movie?  The only thing that would be missing without them is about fifteen minutes of screen time.

There’s no shortage of things that time could have been better spent exploring.  For example, they could have thrown in some actual development to the romance between Amoa and Maciste, which comes out of nowhere. He is captured and brought to her tent, where she tells him about the prophecy that a man will come from the sea to solve all the Uriels’ problems.  Maciste protests that he can only save one civilization at a time, and Amoa calls him a coward.  The next time she sees him is after he came back to save her father, and she immediately confesses her undying love.  I guess he’s been kind of heroic by then, but even before that she’s talking about him to her handmaiden and implying she’s already in love with him.

At the end, Amoa swims out to Maciste’s little raft and heads off to sea with him, even as he begs her to stay behind.  This isn’t the ending we want for Amoa – after Kermes earlier mocked her by telling her he was the only one who could give her a throne, and that the ‘delicate shoulders of a woman’ could not bear the burden of rule, we want to see her take her rightful place as Queen of the Uriels.  Other characters nod sagely and say she might be back someday, but it’s still kind of a letdown, as if Kermes was right and girls just aren’t up to the job of politics.

My overall feeling about Colossus and the Headhunters is that it’s pretty blah.  It’s neither good enough nor bad enough to be entertaining – the MST3K commentary livened it up a lot, but without it, it’s not really worth the effort.  This one really needed a couple of guys in cheap monster suits to liven it up.

[imaginegladions]

Moana AU??? :0 (It can just be like the little headcanon list since you're so busy ;))

Excuse me did you just say movie about a strong woman from an island tribe in the pacific? Because Alola?? Yes, of course, I’ll do it.

MOANA AU HEADCANONS:

I’m just crying because clearly Gladion is Maui and that means we have to see his lanky self half naked and wearing a skirt of leaves.

He hates the skirt.

In the beginning of time Gladion and his sister Lillie lived on the mother island Aether. On that island lived the creator of nature, Lusamine, and her husband, Mohn the volcano.

They lived there is peace and harmony.

Welp, until Mohn the Volcano became dormant.

Mother Nature Lusamine distraught from losing her husband started morphing various wildlife into creatures that would love her forever.

Unfortunately, said creatures seemed to have gained immortality and immunity to… a lot of stuff.

Gladion, having a bit of power himself that he inherited from Lusamine, created a doggo out of spare parts lying around. His doggo could also turn into different weapons which is pretty useful.

Armed with his doggo, Null, he went to face Lusamine and tell her to stop making immortal monsters to wreak havoc on the world.

And Lusamine, predictably, takes this personally and banishes Gladion to an island far away with just him - in a grass skirt - and his doggo.

To top it off, he sets a tattoo on him that will report back to her with whatever Gladion does that day to make sure he doesn’t interfere with her plans to overrun the world with ultra beasts.

The tattoo - Guzma - eventually becomes fond of Gladion and teaches him how to make some pants out of leaves. Oh, and fishing. Because if Gladion dies then little Tattoo!Guzma would be in a pinch.

Upon discovering the banishment of her brother, Lillie quickly realised that Lusamine has gone bonkers and tries to escape Aether on a creature she created called Nebby that could become a giant bird and a lion out of the heart of Mohn the Volcano.

She thinks that when paired with Gladion’s creature, someone can defeat and purify Lusamine.

Lusamine was still pretty displeased with Gladion so finding out that Lillie betrayed her too was the final straw.

He turned Lillie into… the ocean.

But right before she was transformed, Lillie shoved Nebby into a tiny jewel state and brought Nebby with her into the sea.

Years later, Ocean!Lillie finds you splashing about in the ocean.

She’s been watching you all your life, not to be creepy.

You’re new at Hao’oli Island but you’ve been chosen to become the bride of Chief Hala’s son, Hau.

And while Hau’s a pretty nice guy, you kind of want a little more adventure than island life. 

So~ Lillie decides to show herself (well, her ocean form) and give you Nebby.

You - not understanding ocean speak - are pretty darn confused and are about to run to the village and ask what just happened when Ocean!Lillie proceeds to shove you on a boat.

“So… am I supposed to just… sail?”

*Ocean!Lillie nods*

“I’m talking to an ocean. Wow. I don’t speak liquid!”

Lillie has to take it into her own hands and lead her to someone who can understand what Nebby is. 

Luckily! Gladion’s island paradise is nearby~

Lillie then proceeds to physically push your boat until you land on Isla Dela Gladion where you run into a grumpy lanky boy with… ridiculously long blonde hair.

“Wow… well, it’s a unique style.”

“Hey, you try being stranded on an island. There’s nothing to cut hair with.”

Gladion feels like the sight of the boat should make him want to return to Lusamine and slay her or whatever. But, he’s come to like island life. No responsibilities. Just him and his Tat. 

When you present him with Nebby he immediately recognises it as Lillie’s work.

“You know… this could be powerful enough to defeat Lusamine.”

“Lusamine, like… mother nature?? We’re fighting mother nature??”

You did not sign up for mother nature fighting.

“I’m going back to my island.”

“Well, alright. You can go back, and then you can watch your island be swallowed up by Lusamine’s beasts. Whatever.”

*sighs* Demi-gods.

You and Gladion then go on a confounded sea quest to find the island again because Ocean!Lillie might be expansive but it doesn’t mean she can beat out mother nature.

Lillie pushes them until they’re just a long row away from Aether because even if she’s the ocean she can’t enter Lusamine’s territory.

By that time, you find out that you have to imbue the Nebby jewel with all your feelings for it to activate.

Except the only strong feelings you have atm are your unexpected warm feelings towards Gladion.

Gladion, realising you came way too early, surges forward with Null and fights Giant Land Monster Lusamine.

When it looks like he’s about to win, Nihilego and the Ultra Beasts overpower him and destroy Null.

You’re S H O O K.

Your shook feelings end up triggering Nebby and out comes a giant ass lion that with one roar destroyed countless Ultra Beasts.

While the lion decimated the beasts, you go over to Gladion and his dead doggo.

Tat!Guzma, with his fondness for Gladion, gave up his magic to bring life back to Null thus becoming a permanent non-moving tattoo.

In exchange, Null becomes a phoenix version of himself that Gladion calls Silvally.

Silvally then charges up a roar and riding on the back of Giant Bird Nebby, roared and revived Mohn (it’s magic don’t question it shhhhh).

Lusamine calms the f down and realises that nature alone without the steadying balance of father Mohn can be quite cruel.

You and Gladion, at a loss for what to do, decide to team up in exploring around the world uncovering countless treasures and other tribes etc.

By the time you return to Aether on your way back to Hao’oli, Lillie inherits the title of Mother Nature and comes along with you to Hau’oli.

A year after your kidnapping via the ocean, you return with a demigod boyfriend, tons of treasure, and a bride for Hau who is the actual embodiment of Mother Nature. ;)

[pengychan]

Te Rerenga Wairua - Ch. 12

Title: Te Rerenga Wairua Summary: Found by the gods drifting at sea, Maui always assumed he had been thrown in it to drown. When that assumption is challenged, there is only one way to find closure: speaking to his long-departed family. But it’s never a smooth sail to the Underworld, and he’ll need help from a friend - plus a token that fell in the claws of an old enemy long ago. Characters: Maui, Moana, Tamatoa Rating: K Prologue and links to all chapters up so far here.

A/N: Well. We all knew this was coming.

Also, the whole Giant Headless Warrior Guy thing is based on the fact that, in an early version of Moana, Tamatoa was supposed to be a giant headless warrior from an Oceanic myth. I tried and failed to know more about said myth, and eventually decided to borrow him for the fic because hey, why not.

***

Losing his fishhook had felt all the world like losing a limb.

When the gods had created it and given it to him to mark his passage to adulthood - he’d been a boy barely grown, really, but so very certain he was ready to carve his way in the world and so damn  insistent  about it than even Tagaloa had to give in - Maui had felt  whole.

Before, he’d been an abandoned boy the Ocean and the gods had taken pity on and gifted with immortality; with that in his hand, however, he was so much more. He was  Maui  - shapeshifter, demigod of wind and sea. He was powerful. He was strong. He had the power to  to accomplish feats humans could only dream of, and the humans he returned: he had been a weak and powerless newborn when he’d been thrown into the sea to drown, but certainly humans would love him now that he could do so much for them, wouldn’t they?

They would, and they  did.  For centuries to come, and then for thousands of years, Maui’s name became as well known as the name of the good winds, of the good currents that brought voyagers home, as the stars in the night sky. He was their hero, the one who did more for them than any of the gods ever had.

He lifted the sky for them. He pulled island out of the oceans for them. He harnessed winds, he slowed down the sun, he gifted them the secret to make fire for themselves so that they would no longer need to approach volcanoes for flames. He gave them the coconut tree, an endless source of food, for the days their nets failed to catch enough fish; he fought monsters for them, to keep them from harm.

Until the day he’d failed them, because he had failed to realize which monster he should guard them from. And then he’d failed them again, when he’d believed a warning would be enough to keep Tamatoa from striking again and he’d turned out to be so, so wrong.

But maybe he’d been wrong all along. He’d thought he could protect humans from all harm, but the truth was that he could not: there were so many dangers, too many, and he couldn’t be everywhere at once. His power alone was not enough: humans should have the means to protect themselves when he couldn’t help, a power of their own. And Maui thought he knew precisely  where  he could find it. He knew how to reach it, too, and how to get away quickly - he had thought of everything.

Except of the part where a shrieking demon of earth and fire would appear out of nowhere and strike him right out of the sky, of course. He’d failed to account for that bit, and he’d paid for it dearly: stuck in a deserted island, the heart of Te Fiti and his fishhook both gone. Without the familiar weight of the fishhook in his hand, without the power to shapeshift, he was as good as maimed. Crippled. Powerless, as he’d been as a newborn.

And, as time passed - days, months, years, centuries - without anybody coming for him, Maui knew he’d been abandoned yet again, or forgotten, despite everything he’d done for humans. After all, what worth did he have to them now that he was powerless? None, that was it. He could do nothing now. He  was  nothing.

Without the hook, I am nothing.

***

“They told him he was  what ?”

“A waste. Can you lower your voice? I can hear you just fine.”

“Sorry, sorry. I just… why would  anybody  say something like that to someone else?”

“Giant crabs weren’t known for their social skills or tact, you know. They did have a tendency to say whatever went through their mind, which usually wasn’t a lot. It might have had something to do with their extinction, come to think of it.”

Moana sighed, and turned towards the beach. Pilifeai had gone right back into the ocean, but with the Ponaturi unable to leave the caves during the day they were in no rush to sail away from the island - and Tamatoa in particular seemed to have no intention to move at all. He was sprawled at the shore, looking at his reflection in the water and humming to himself what sounded like a rather depressing tune even from a distance. “He’s taking it really badly, huh?”

“Yeah, worse than I’d have thought. He didn’t even eat the bodies,” Maui muttered. For a moment Moana thought he was trying to make light of the situation, but he looked perfectly serious. She took a mental note to never ask in detail about giant crab habits when it came to dealing with the dead, and turned back to Tamatoa instead. She tried to imagine for a moment what it had to be like - believing to be the last of his species, finding out it wasn’t true, receiving nothing but demeaning comments from his kind and then finding himself the only one left  again,  all in a matter of a few hours. She found she couldn’t: it was just too far from anything she’d ever experienced.

“Maybe you should talk to him?”

Maui’s voice snapped her from her thoughts. “Huh? Me?”

A shrug. “Well, why not? You’re the crab whisperer. Or monster whisperer. Or goddess-turned-destructive-demon whisperer. Whatever you want to call it, you’re better at this kind of thing than I could ever be. I’d probably just say all the wrong things.”

Well, Moana thought, at least on that one point, he wasn’t wrong. She glanced back at Tamatoa, and nodded. “I’ll see what I can do,” she said, and walked up to him slowly. He may very well not want to talk, in which case she’d leave him alone for a while longer, but at least she had to try. The more she approached, the clearer the words Tamatoa was gloomily singing to himself became.

“I’m too shiny, I’m the sunrise on the surface of the sea. Look at me, you see, I’m so shiny…”

“Hey.”

Her voice caused him to trail off and fall silent. He didn’t move at all except for his eyestalks, which turned towards her just slightly. He gave her an apathetic look before resting his chin down on his claws. “… Hey,” he muttered, voice flat. “I take it Maui told you. Must have loved getting his payback.”

“He didn’t mean to get any payback and you know it,” Moana pointed out, sitting on the sand and putting a hand on his claw. “We’re just worried.”

“If you try telling me something your grandma would say, I swear I’m gonna vomit.”

“I won’t. What would  yours  say?”

Tamatoa’s shell rose and fell in a massive shrug. “That I shouldn’t give a second thought about anything others do or say, probably. That was her answer to everything,” he said flatly.

“Well, then maybe you should listen–”

“Not to  you,  I won’t,” Tamatoa cut her off, sulking. “Let’s be real, this kind of crap is easy for you two to babble about, isn’t it? Taken in by the gods. Chosen by the ocean. I had to go and try to make myself special on my own. No one ever  chose  me.”

Moana shook her head. “That’s not true. Someone did.”

That caused Tamatoa to roll his eyes. “Oh, yes. My mother. Who was an idiot, by the way. Didn’t you get the memo?”

“That’s what they said. And you just  believe  them? What about your grandmother - do you think she was an idiot, too?”

That seemed to hit a nerve, because Tamatoa tensed up. There were a few moments of silence before he scowled, entirely avoiding her question. “Couldn’t those two just stay alive for  one  more night? If they’d seen me with more treasure, they’d have changed their mind about me.”

If what Pilifeai had told her about giant crabs was anything to go by that was not the case - if anything, it would have probably just made them think he was a complete oddball. But telling him so would do him no good, and she decided against it. “Well, it was their loss, wasn’t it?”

An eyestalk turned back towards her, antennae perking up just a fraction. “Was it?”

Moana rolled her eyes. “Are you kidding?  Of course  it was.”

“They thought I was a waste–”

“Well, they were wrong. Whose judgment would you trust, your grandmother’s, or that of two old hags who didn’t even know you?” she asked, and smiled a bit when his antennae twitched, perking up some more. “Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that grandmothers have this annoying habit of being right most of the time. She and your mother had a choice between the home of their ancestors and giving you a chance, and they chose  you.  They thought you were worth it. I think they had the right idea, and so does Maui. We have  seen  what you can do. Those two back there just had no clue.”

Tamatoa blinked at her a couple of times, as though absorbing the information, then finally lifted his head. “Well,  of course  they had the right idea,” he said haughtily, like he never had a single doubt about it, and Moana mentally patted herself on the back. “It’s just annoying that they didn’t realize it, you know?”

Moana shrugged. “Well, since they were so unpleasant, they didn’t really  deserve  to see all of this, did they?” she added, gesturing towards Tamatoa’s glittering shell. He followed her gaze, and his expression finally broke into a grin.

“Hah! True enough. Why should they  get  to see something so shiny? They probably had no taste, anyway.”

“See, that’s the spirit,” Moana said, and glanced up at Tamatoa’s shell. “So, what’s the story behind these?”

“Huh?”

“Your treasure. You said you know all of it like the back of your claw. Mind to tell me more?”

Tamatoa seemed amused. “Trying to get me to talk about my treasure now?”

“Yep. In song form or not.”

That finally got something out of him that resembled a laugh. “Hah! I’ll have to pass. Not that I wouldn’t love to put my amazing voice to some use, but I don’t improvise, you know - this kind of thing’s got to be rehearsed.”

With a terrible effort not to laugh at the thought of Tamatoa rehearsing his musical number in his lair in case anybody wandered in it, Moana let her gaze shift to his shell again - and it paused on something that seemed to stand out from the rest: a greenstone the same color as the heart of Te Fiti, but carved in a figure-of-eight, serpent-like shape, with a bird’s beak in the upper half. “What is that?”

Tamatoa turned his eyestalks to follow her gaze. “Oh, that? It’s a carving of the Manaia.”

“The Manaia?”

“Yeah, this being who used to be a messenger between the world of the living and that of the dead. They kind of disappeared about a thousand years ago, though. No one knows where they went. Shame, because it looks like we could use their help, since Maui’s plan to get into the Underworld isn’t even a plan. Anyway, that’s a pretty stone, but just a stone. Oh, but that lamp right next to it? That’s another story altogether! So, I was not too far away from Cape Reinga, looking for this shipwreck I’d heard about…”

***

Maui had absolutely no clue what Moana had even told him, but by the time they sailed off Tamatoa seemed in good spirits and surprisingly cooperative, hardly even protesting when it was time to shrink him so that he could travel with them by boat. He didn’t even ask again to eat the chicken or the pig, though Maui suspected that was mostly due to his snack back in Manawa-Tane: he just lay down at the front of the boat, and seemed to be rather enjoying the breeze and sprays of water.

“I just told him the truth,” Moana said with a shrug at the quizzical glance Maui gave him while Tamatoa was out of earshot. “That whatever they said wasn’t worth a thought.”

As far as Maui could tell, that was a message Tamatoa had been getting for a long time – not least from his grandmother – without it actually getting through his thick head. That Moana had succeeded where everyone else had failed was remarkable, but at that point Maui expected nothing less of her. So he laughed. “And that’s why  you’re  the crab whisperer,” he said, and turned to call out to Tamatoa. “So, the Taniwha! Brings back memories, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, and few of them good,” Tamatoa muttered, and glanced at Moana. “Maybe she should stay away. They have a thing for human women. Not a good sort of thing,” he added. Maui shrugged when Moana’s gaze shifted on him.

“They’re treacherous bastards. They look kinda like men, kinda like reptiles–“

“It’s more three quarter reptile,” Tamatoa cut him off. “Scales, tails and all. They have arms, but that’s where the resemblance ends. They’re even uglier than you humans,” he added, only to pause when Moana raised an eyebrow. He frowned for a moment, then blinked.  “Oh, wait! That's  not  a nice thing to say, right?”

… Well, look at that, he was learning. Maui supposed that being on the receiving end of that kind of careless talk had helped. Not that he thought Moana especially cared about judgment on her looks coming from a giant crab, but still. Predictably enough, Moana shrugged and just steered the boat. “It’s okay. I’m more concerned about the Taniwha. I am still coming with you,” she added, trying down one of the ropes. “But I must know what we’re facing first.”

“Humanoid reptiles,” Maui said, sitting down and grabbing a coconut. He cracked it open easily against his knee, kept one half and handed the other to Tamatoa. “Nasty bastards, a bigger than the Ponaturi. Bigger than most humans, really. As Tamatoa mentioned they’re not one of the best things a human woman could meet, so–”

“Spear with me at all times.”

“You got it.”

Tamatoa bristled. “Won’t let them come close enough to make you use it. Right, Maui?”

Truth be told Maui was sort on counting on watching Moana kick some Taniwha butt, because he’d seen what she could do, but she was still one human while they were a demigod with shapeshifting powers and a giant crab monster, so he supposed it would be best to be on the safe side and not let it come to that. “You bet. They live in this island a couple of days of navigation from here, and the currents there are quite bad. They stay near dangerous currents so that they can attack whoever shipwrecks. We’ll need to be careful when we approach the island.”

“Yeah, and also mind the giant headless warrior guy,” Tamatoa said thought a mouthful of coconut. Moana’s eyebrows went up to her hairline.

“Giant headless warrior?” she repeated, but this time all Maui could give her was a look of confusion to match her own.

“… I’ve got nothing,” he admitted, and turned to Tamatoa. “What giant headless warrior?”

“What, are you blind or– oooh, wait! Right, by the time it appeared you were already stuck… wherever you were stuck. It actually got there around you messed everything up,” he added, and took another bite from the coconut.

Maui decided to ignore the jab and just focused on the issue at hand. “So, what about this guy?” he asked. Tamatoa chewed and swallowed before replying.

“It’s just what it sounds like. A giant headless warrior, with spear and all, guarding the Taniwha’s islands and attacking whoever comes close. Ships or otherwise. It just stands up from the bottom of the sea and is made of… stone, or something. I didn’t get close enough to get a good look. The Taniwha had nothing I wanted at that point and I didn’t need trouble. Oh, also it’s headless. Hence why it’s the Headless Warrior Guy.”

“Original,” Maui said drily. “Any idea where it comes from?”

“Nope,” Tamatoa replied with a shrug. “Your guess is as good as mine. Word is that the Taniwha have its head, though, and that’s why it follows their orders and patrols their coasts.”

“So we’re gonna have to fight it to get to the island.”

Tamatoa shrugged. “Or the human can shrink it,” he said, nodding to Moana. “Seems easier.”

Maui made a face. “But far less fun.”

“Hey, she can turn it to full size after we get my treasure back, and then we can fight it,” Tamatoa pointed out, causing Maui to grin. He hadn’t thought about it at all.

“That’s a very good poin–”

“What if we recover its head instead?” Moana spoke up, causing both of them to turn and glance at her like she’d just grown a second head of her own. She shrugged. “Well, if that is how they control it, it might be worth taking the head as well when we take the treasure, if we find it. If we give it back to its owner, it will have no reason to keep guarding them.”

Maui thought about it for a few moments, then grinned and turned to look at Tamatoa. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“I think? Because what I’m thinking now are variants on jokes about losing one’s head and how I can work them into a song.”

“… That, too. But most of all, it could turn against the Taniwha when they lose control over it. I know  I  would be pissed if someone made me work as their patrol guy for a thousand years,” Maui pointed out, and Tamatoa’s expression immediately brightened.

“Oh! That would be fun! Yes, I like your idea, human!”

Moana crossed her arms. “You know, it was more a matter of doing the right thing by freeing it than having it beating the crap out of the Taniwha.”

“Well, why not both?”

“What he said. Let’s do both.”

“But—”

“It’s two on one, babe!”

“Bwoook!”

“Three on one,” Tamatoa corrected himself with a satisfied look at the latch leading to the hold. Moana sighed, and glanced down at Pua. The pig looked up at her, and then went to stand beside her, looking warily at Tamatoa. The crab huffed and crossed his pincers. “Three on two. We still win. Besides, it’s up to the guy what it does once it gets its head back.”

“It could attack us again,” Maui commented, unable keep a hopeful note out of his voice, and gave a sheepish grin at Moana’s raised eyebrow. It was very easy to guess what she was thinking: how he’d almost drowned after the Kakamora gained the upper hand in the fight he’d thrown himself into. “Sorry, can’t help it. A fish can’t change its scales.”

“Unlike me,” Tamatoa pointed out. “I can change my shell if I need to.”

“That was a figure of speech, Crabby.”

A shrug. “I know. Just thought I’d draw attention to my shell, in case– wait, what are you–”

“Turning you off,” Maui replied, and reached down to scratch the spot between Tamatoa’s eyestalks before the crab could pull away. Just like when Moana had done it, Tamatoa went still after the first scratch, everything about him - eyestalks, antennae, pincers, limbs  - going entirely limp. His protest turned into a few slurred words that sounded a lot like ‘I hate you’ before his eyes fell shut and he just lay down on the floor, snoring lightly. Maui grinned, pulling his hand back. “Have I already said I wish I’d known this trick for a few thousand years ago?”

“Yes. Consider it my thanks for teaching me how to sail,” Moana said, causing him to laugh.

“Hah! A fair trade,” he said, and went to help Moana counterbalance the boat - but not before moving Tamatoa a little more to the centre of it, to make sure he wouldn’t fall into the ocean at a sudden roll of the boat.

***

When they came within sight of the small group of islands the Taniwha lived in, a storm was brewing to the west. Moana estimated that it would be on them within the hour, and Maui’s conclusion was precisely the same: going straight for the Taniwha would be a seriously bad idea, because it could result in getting stuck on the island until the storm had passed, or worse yet being locked in a fight with a giant headless warrior when it came. It would be best to stop somewhere else, wait for the storm to be over with, and then move again.

"How about there?” Moana asked, gesturing to their left. There was a tiny island some distance away from the others, showing no sign of being inhabited. It was very small and far from ideal, but there seemed to be a cave and it would make a decent place to stay dry and keep the boat ashore during the storm.

Maui nodded. “It looks good to me,” he conceded. “The Taniwha live on the southern side of their island anyway, unless something has changed. They’re unlikely to see us staying there. Heard that, Crabcake?” he added, turning back.

Tamatoa had demanded Moana to turn him back his usual size as soon as they were close enough to the islands. The sea was shallow enough for him to talk with most of his upper body above the water, and he’d claimed he wanted to stretch his legs – though Moana suspected he wanted to take a look at the bottom of the ocean to see if he could find any stray piece of treasure. So far, he seemed to be having no luck.

“Yes, yes, you’ll be on the island,” he muttered with a shrug. “I’ll get there later. I’ll take a look around meanwhile.”

“Don’t get too close to the main island,” Maui reminded him. “Last thing we need is having to fight this giant headless warrior in the middle of a storm.“

"Hah! Don’t worry. Even if I stumbled into it, I’m sure I could handle– HEY!”

His last words were covered by his own cry, by the huge splash as he was suddenly dragged underwater, by the loud groan of stone sliding against stone. The sudden wave caused by his fall caused the boat to rock violently, and Moana could barely manage to keep it straight, one arm shooting out to grab Pua before he could fall into the sea. Something emerged from the bottom of the ocean, something huge that had been lying in wait until someone – Tamatoa – had stepped close enough to be grabbed.

Above them stood what looked like a gigantic headless statue, twice as tall as Tamatoa - except that it wasn’t just a statue, on account of the fact it was moving. It had thrown Tamatoa entirely off-balance, and all Moana could see of the crab in the churning water were legs uselessly kicking up in the air, the rest of him upside down and submerged. The headless warrior stood before him,  on  him, one foot on his abdomen to keep him down; it did not even flinch when one of Tamatoa’s claws closed on its leg, the stone not even scratched. It just lifted a huge, long spear high above his head, tip gleaming in the sunlight, ready to bring it down on his trapped foe.

“Maui!” she cried out over Pua’s terrified squeals, struggling to keep the boat from capsizing, unable to let go of the ropes long enough to even use her bracelet. But she didn’t need to: Maui had seen everything as well, and he wouldn’t just stand by to watch.

“You get the boat away from here!” he called out, and leaped. It was an impressive leap, something that almost looked like flying, and with a cry he brought his hook down against the stone spear. It was a terrible blow, the kind that could shatter mountain peaks, but the spear didn’t shatter. Still, the blow had been enough: it was knocked aside, and the huge being holding it was thrown off- balance.

With a groan of stone grinding on stone, the headless warrior took several steps back not to fall – which in turn gave Tamatoa enough time to get up. For a moment Moana feared he’d be unable to, that he’d stay stuck on his back and vulnerable, but being in the water seemed to help. Within instants Tamatoa was back upright, claws raised and looking extremely displeased to say the very least.

“You could handle it, huh?” Maui called out, half laughing, a moment before turning into a hawk in mid-air and attacking the headless warrior again. The being was forced to step back again, and raise the spear in defense.

“Hey, you were beaten by the Kakamora!” Tamatoa protested, causing Maui to laugh again.

“Then we’re even! C'mon, help me out! You woke it up, help me put it back to sleep!”

“Oh. Right! Coming!”

They both were on the headless guardian a moment later, but Moana didn’t get to see much of the fight: she focused entirely on getting as far away as possible, to the small island they had spotted earlier. It was a struggle, the fight raising waves that threatened to overturn her boat, but she managed to finally get far enough to keep it steady, and turned to look.

Back in the Vault, when they had fought together against the demon she’d accidentally turned into a giant, the battle had been rather spectacular but also rather short: they had gained the upper hand right away. But now Moana could tell that things were different, the huge headless warrior holding its own, easily matching Maui’s blows and seemingly unaffected by Tamatoa’s claws. It didn’t seem to be gaining the upper hand, either, but it wasn’t giving an inch and the storm was approaching quickly.

Well guys, you had your fun. Got to end it now.

Moana lifted her hand, the one with the bracelet, and pointed it towards the giant. “Iti haere!” she cried out.

Nothing happened.

“… Huh?” Moana blinked, looking down at the bracelet. Why hadn’t it worked? Had she pointed wrong? No, she was sure her fingers was pointed straight at–

A painfully loud screech snapped her form her thoughts, causing her to look up again. Maui had shifted into his hawk form and was flying up and up towards the sun, away from the headless warrior and from… wait, where  was  Tamatoa?

The stone guardian seemed to be wondering precisely the same thing, for it stopped trying to strike Maui with his spear - how could it even see him without a head? - and tried to turn, spear raised. Moana could barely see something, a golden gleam right below the water, and she guessed Tamatoa had burrowed in the bottom of the ocean just one moment before Maui shrieked again, and  struck.

He fell from the sky like an arrow, sunlight turning his feathers golden, almost too fast for Moana’s eye to follow… and definitely too fast for his foe to brace itself, or lift its weapon. Maui turned back at the very last instant, and struck the giant on its barnacle-encrusted chest with his hook, and all of his might.

It was not enough to injure the warrior, but it was enough to knock it back. It tried to keep standing, to step back and regain its footing, but it immediately tripped on something right behind it - something that rose up from underwater the next moment, knocking it entirely off its feet and into the churning sea.

Tamatoa.

“HAH! How do  you  like that?” the giant crab called out, but he didn’t stay to gloat: instead he moved quickly away from the stone being as it thrashed in the attempt to get up. “Don’t stand there, babe - got to get to the island!”

“But Maui–”

“He’s gonna keep it busy. C’mon, before it sees where we’re going!”

Moana did as she was told, not without first glancing back to see Maui, once again in his hawk form, was flying right above his struggling enemy. She could have sworn the hawk had winked at her the moment before turning into a whale and fall crashing down on the headless warrior, lifting up a wall of ocean water.

***

“Are you  sure  it didn’t see you getting here?”

“I told you, I turned into a fish and just swam here. It was still trying to get up after the whale treatment, anyway. And besides, it would already be here if it knew.”

“Maybe we got far enough for it to lose interest altogether.”

“Here’s hoping. We really don’t need to be fighting the guy out there with this storm going on.”

“I still think the fire was a bad idea. What if Headless Guy sees it?”

“It can’t see anything without a head or eyes, Crabby. It felt our presence somehow, and it could fight, but I really doubt it can see anything the way we do. Besides,  some  of us need to keep warm.”

“Right, right,” Tamatoa muttered, settling down in the back of the cave. It had turned out to be surprisingly large, enough for him to stand in and take a few steps. It was a bit of a tight fit, especially with Maui, the human and her pets huddled in front of the fire, but it would do. Sure, he didn’t  need  to be there - he could as well take shelter from the storm underwater - but he’d prefer to stick with them, for time being. He stayed still, listening to the wind picking up outside, the crashing waves and pounding rain. In the distance, there was thunder. “Do you think the storm is going to last for long?”

“Naah, it will be gone by the morning. Let’s just wait here.”

“I thought the Ocean was your buddy, human. Can’t it just stop the storm? Oh, or take down Headless Guy for us?”

“That’s… not how it works.”

“Some jerk you’ve got as a friend, then.”

“Relax, Crabcake. We won’t need the Ocean’s help to kick its butt.”

The human frowned slightly. “Are you sure there is no way to avoid it? It seemed to be giving you a lot of trouble,” she added, and glanced down at the bracelet on her wrist. “I wonder why it didn’t work…”

Maui shrugged. “You probably didn’t point it straight at it. It was moving, the boat was rocking… easy to get the aim wrong,” he said, and put another log in the fire. “You’ll get to try again tomorrow, at any rate. And if it doesn’t work, then Crabcake and I will just try harder to get it out of the way.”

Truth be told, Tamatoa wasn’t sure he could try beating it any harder than he already had: he’d given his best in the earlier fight and, even with Maui fighting alongside him, they had barely managed to incapacitate that thing for enough time to get away before the storm began. If the fight had carried on… he wasn’t as confident as Maui on the outcome.

“Or we could move on to look for the treasure elsewhere,” he suggested, and shifted a bit when Maui and Moana looked at him, exchanged a glance and then turned right back at him. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m scared or anything–”

“Of course not,” Maui said, just a bit too flatly.

“… But we could look elsewhere first to find the rest of the treasure?”

Maui shook his head. “I’d rather check the Taniwha’s island while we’re here. We don’t have many other leads at the moment. None at all, really. They were seen trading with Lalotai monsters at the Vault, so they could be the ones who have the hairpin.”

Oh. The hairpin.

“Right,” Tamatoa found himself saying. Truth be told, he’d completely forgotten about that stupid hairpin, and back at in Manawa-Tane… hey, wait a moment… ! “Hey, you didn’t bring it up at all in Manawa-Tane!” Tamatoa pointed out. “Didn’t even ask about it!”

Maui shrugged. “I looked and there was nothing that looked like a hairpin in the bunch. No real point in asking when I already knew the answer.”

Because it wasn’t there,  Tamatoa thought.  The Ponaturi didn’t have it. The Taniwha don’t have it. I do.

There was a pang of something in his chest, and he couldn’t really define it, but it was enough to make him turn back to his missing leg. The hairpin was there, hidden in a tiny gap between his carapace and what was left of the limb. It had been there all along - the thing Maui wanted the most, the thing the human had risked her life to help him get. The only bargaining chip he had to get them to help getting his treasure back.

Tamatoa’s eyes shifted back to Maui and the human, who were now trying to stifle laughter while they watched the chicken try to swallow a stone. Maybe, he reasoned, he didn’t need to keep holding onto it anymore. It was an ugly old thing anyway, and… and they would help him get the rest of his treasure even if he handed it over, wouldn’t they? They wouldn’t have at the start, so he had been  right  in keeping it, but now maybe they’d help him regardless. No, of course they would. The human  definitely  would.

With their attention elsewhere, Tamatoa reached with one claw to pull the hairpin out of its hiding place.  I just realized it was among the Ponaturi’s stuff,  he would say. They would believe him, because of course they would - they trusted him, didn’t they? - and then they–

The crack of thunder boomed through the sky, shaking the earth itself, and that it was all it took. With a startled gasp, Tamatoa flinched… and lost his grip on the hairpin. It fell on the ground and, before he could even think of trying to catch it, it half-bounced, half-rolled across the stone floor - coming to rest in plain sight, a scant inch away from Maui’s foot.

***

“And so I was thinking, if the chicken came first– huh?”

It was a weak gleam of burnished gold in firelight that caught Maui’s eye. When he trailed off and looked down, he wasn’t too surprised to see something shiny next to him: of course, at some point, some of the shinies on Tamatoa’s shell would fall off. He still wasn’t entirely sure how the crab made them stick to his shell; it had never occurred him to ask.

And right there and then, it didn’t occur to him that there could be anything special about that tiny object. He didn’t even pay much attention to it: he just picked it up and called out. “Hey, careful there. No point in picking up all of your stuff if you start losing it piece by–”

“THAT’S NOT MINE!” Tamatoa blurted out, causing him to trail off. Maui blinked, glancing back at him. He was staring at him with the wide-eyed look of a cornered animal, and that confused him even more.

Had he not panicked, Maui would have just handed it back to him without a second look. But he  did  panic, and that changed everything.

“What are you talking about? It’s got to be yours. Didn’t it just fall off?”

Tamatoa worked his jaw for a moment, then he grinned - the most forced grin Maui had ever seen on his face. What was up with him all of a sudden? “YES! I mean– yes, of course it’s mine! Haha! Just, uh, got confused for a moment. Just hand it over and–”

“Wait.”

It was just one word, but it was spoken like an order. It caused Maui to still and Tamatoa to cringe, letting out a small strangled noise when Moana gently took the trinket from Maui’s hand. She held it up in the light of the fire, causing Maui to really pay attention to it for the first time. That was when he finally realized it wasn’t  just  a trinket. It was a hairpin - very old, very brittle, and not one he’d seen before. But he was sure he’d checked every single one–

Wait. Wait just a moment.

Maui tore his gaze away from the hairpin to look at Tamatoa, who seemed to be trying his best to shrink under his gaze. Realization dawned on him just as Moana spoke slowly, with the voice of someone who’s hoping against hope to be proven wrong but already knows it won’t be the case.

“… This is it, isn’t it?” she asked, looking up at Tamatoa. Her voice was barely audible through the sounds of the storm and, in the flickering light of the flames, hurt seemed etched in her every feature. Maui could only watch, feeling as though he’d been encased in ice. “How long have you had it?”

Tamatoa blinked quickly, and his eyes darted to the cave’s entrance as though he was trying to figure out if he could make a run for it. He could lie, deny that was the hairpin they were looking for, Maui knew; he could say he had just found it. But what would be the point? His reaction had already told them, loud and clear, all they needed to know.

“I… not long, honest! I… just since… I was gonna tell you, I…huh. Hey, what’s with the leaking? Human…?”

Moana stared back at him in silence, the hairpin in her hand and tears running down her face - the very picture of betrayal. That, more than the revelation itself, was what caused the ice encasing Maui’s mind to shatter. The cold dread and incredulity replaced by wonderfully familiar fury, he grabbed his hook and stood.

She trusted you. We trusted you. How could I make the same mistake again? How could I let her make it?

“YOU LIED!” Maui roared, stepping forward, the fishhook held right in his hand. “You had it all along!”

Tamatoa winced, but he tried to snap back. “You would have just taken it if I told you! You know you would have! I had already lost enough–”

“You  stole it  from my mother!”

“Maui?” Moana called out, standing up and trying to get in the way, but Maui didn’t hear her, hardly saw her. He moved her aside with a swipe of his arm, eyes fixed on Tamatoa - who, on the other hand, was quickly running out of room to retreat: the next instant, his rear was pressed against the wall of the cave. Huge claws were lifted up, but it was obvious that he knew perfectly how few chances he had to take on that fight and win. Of course he knew. They had been there before, and Maui had taken his leg.

Now maybe he’d take his head.

“Look, it was  your  fault that I lost my— Wait, wait, can we just– I would have told you–” Tamatoa blabbered, panic clearly starting to sink in. “Human? Human, say something!”

“Maui, please–” she tried, but Maui was beyond hearing her. He could feel blood rushing in his ears, anger thudding into his skull. All that time, he could have simply gone to Cape Reinga and summoned his mother. His family. He could have talked to them, and instead…!

“All this time, you  lied  to us!”

“No! I mean, I guess there was a tiny bit of omission there–”

“I saved your life, and YOU MADE US RISK OUR OWN JUST TO GET SOME GOLD BACK!” he screamed, and lifted his hook, ready to land a blow, all of his strength behind it. He would shatter his shell, he would obliterate that lying, slimy bast–

“I HAD NO CHOICE!” Tamatoa shrieked, claws reaching up to cover his head and eyes squeezing shut. “You don’t get it! I  had  to get my treasure back! I  can’t  be without it!”

Without the hook, I am nothing!

Maui’s fishhook froze in mid-air. He was aware, dimly, of the sounds of the storm outside; of Moana’s voice calling his name, of the weight of her hand on his back. But it all seemed so very distant, and even his anger was now beyond his reach. All of a sudden, Maui just felt  tired.  He drew in a long breath and lowered his fishhook, slowly. He turned, and held out a hand; Moana put the hairpin on it without another word.

Behind him, Tamatoa let one eye peer out from beneath a raised claw. “So, uh… we’re cool, right? You have the hairpin and look, I even polished– hey, wait, WAIT!” he protested, flinching back. There was simply no way Moana’s wooden oar striking him could possibly hurt him, but he still yelped when she let out a cry and struck him. “What’s gotten into–?”

“WHY?” Moana cut him off, lifting the oar again. She was scowling, but even so tears were still running down her face. “Why did you do it?”

“I told you, I needed you to help me find my treasure and–”

“We would have helped you regardless!”

“I know! I mean, no– I  didn’t  know! As in, I know now, but I didn’t  before,  you see?” Tamatoa babbled. “Look, can you… can you stop leaking? No harm’s done, babe, you have the hairpin and– hey! C’mon!” he protested when Moana let out another cry and struck him again and again with the oar.

“I. Can’t.  Believe  you!” she snapped, each word followed by a blow. “I thought you were– uuugh!” The oar fell with a clatter, and Moana reached to wipe her face with both hands. “I was such an idiot,” she growled, causing Tamatoa to blink down at her in clear confusion.

“No you’re not! I told you you’re the smart o–”

“I don’t  care  what you said,” she cut him off. Her voice shook for a moment, and the turned away, arms wrapped around herself as though she was cold. “I should have seen this coming. I was wrong about you. I’m done believing a single  word  you say.”

“C’mon, don’t be like that! I was just about to give you the hairpin!”

A scoff. “Oh,  sure  you were,” she muttered, refusing to turn.

“Honest! Look, I could have destroyed it–”

“So we’re supposed to  thank  you now?”

“No! I mean, that would be nice, but you don’t have to. It was a misunderstanding, all right?”

No answer.

“Hello? Did you hear– Oh, I see, you’re pretending not to hear me! Very mature! Maui, you tell her she’s overreac–”

“Enough.”

One word from Maui was enough to make Tamatoa suddenly fall silent and flinch back, as though reminded that Maui had just as many reasons as her, if not more, to be furious. And he was furious all right - just a cold sort of anger he was unfamiliar with, mixed with something else entirely that wasn’t too far away from sadness.

“If you know what’s good for you,” Maui said, his voice tight, “if you don’t want to lose yet  another  limb, you will leave now.”

“But–”

“I said  now,  bottom-feeder,” Maui snapped, causing Tamatoa to fall silent and his lost expression to turn into a scowl. “You know where the rest of your treasure is. That’s all you care about, isn’t it? So go get it. Or leave it where it is, return to Lalotai - I don’t  care  what you do. But whatever your next step is, you do it alone. Our ways part now. We’re going where we should have headed from the start.”

Tamatoa’s scowl deepened. “So what now, you go to Cape Reinga with that ugly hairpin and drag the human with you?”

“I’m dragging her nowhere. She can choose whether to come or go home. ”

“You know she’ll come with you, so much for being smart! You’re going to get yourselves killed - great way to get into the Underworld,” Tamatoa snapped, taking a step forward. “There is no way you can get past Hine-nui-te-pō, and you know it! You tried and failed, and she’ll  kill you  this time!”

“That is none of your concern,” Maui said sharply. “Or am I supposed to believe you care about what happens to us, after what  you  made us go through needlessly?”

That hit a nerve, causing Tamatoa to flinch back. “I… well, I…” he babbled, only to fall silent when Maui lifted his hook to point towards the cave’s entrance, where the storm raged.

“Leave.”

For a moment, Tamatoa didn’t say a word: he just kept still, eyes shifting from Maui to Moana. She was sitting now, still giving him her back, her pet pig in her arms. “Moana?” he tried again, his voice oddly small. She tensed, but didn’t or turn or answer, and Tamatoa turned back to Maui. Finally, he set his jaw and scowled.

“Fine. Get yourselves killed and see if I care,” he snapped, lifting a pincer to point it at them. “I’ll get my treasure back and throw a party in Lalotai and  you  won’t be invited because you’ll both be dead!” he added, and finally stomped out of the cave, narrowly avoiding to step on Maui in the process. Maui turned away with, saying nothing.

Neither him nor Moana turned to watch him leave, and they both missed his hesitation, the way he turned back to look at them for just one moment before he scowled again and marched out, alone, into the storm.

***

[Back to Chapter 11]

[On to Chapter 13]

[movies-are-magic]

Moana (pt. 2)

Moana (called Vaiana in many countries of Europe for copyright reasons) is Disney’s latest animated feature film. It garnered outstanding success as well as critical acclaim all over the world. This being more of a review than an actual piece of analysis, here are some thoughts on why its positive reception is so well-deserved. Because of the length of this piece, I'm posting this in two parts, this being the second.

part 1

WARNING: Contains heavy spoilers. If you have not seen the movie, chances are that this text will be difficult to understand.

Before I return to the characters, let us take a look at depiction, for that is highly interesting. A ton of work must have gone into these many little lively details that make the movie so interesting, such as the children on the boats trying to catch the rain. There is all the detail in the clothing, and it is thick, heavy clothing, the way it is when made from natural materials. In contrast to the standard cartoon-y characters, these people are allowed to have real weight on screen, muscles and body fat, and that shows their strength and weight. Moana herself does a lot of heavy lifting and shoving, which tells about how she works just like the others of her people.

Moana’s learning of the world and sailing is another very interesting aspect in the storytelling. In the beginning, she makes mistakes over and over because nobody taught her how to sail – and that is okay. The ocean doesn’t always assist, only when it’s necessary and not always in ways Moana understands, for example by sending her a terrible storm to bring her to Maui’s island. She has to do the work first and show that she wants and deserves help, and then she receives it in abundance, thus making the ocean a character all of itself: another great supporting character, one who represents an aspect of nature so very important to humanity. One who loses their patience with a rooster and pricks Maui with a dart when he is arrogant again, but never you mind.

The friendship building up between Moana and Maui successfully sails around (sorry) all those boring old stereotypes of hero development. As they keep grinding against each other,  they start to define each other, not changing at all at the base of their characters, but seeing each other a little differently. It is both interesting and entertaining how Maui starts to see Moana as a capable partner, while Moana learns that she shouldn’t be too impressed by the demigod, and even how to actually manipulate him. Interpret this however you like.

Side note: a demigod has one divine parent and one human parent. In the myths Maui is a proper demigod because his father was a god and his mother a human, but in the movie he’s technically a human with godly abilities.

The dialogue is seasoned with well-crafted lines, such as Maui hauntily asking ‘Lava monster? Ever defeat a lava monster?’, to which Moana replies with a sharkish smile, ‘No. Have you?’

Mini-Maui often gets such lines thrown at him, such as ‘Stay out of it, or you’re sleeping in my armpit’, although the little guy knows how to keep the upper hand. My favourite one is Tamatoa’s ‘the power of creation/for a crustacean’ though, closely followed by his mini-science-dump about bioluminescent algae.

This brings me directly to the villains in the movie, who are altogether fantastic. It is good to see that danger is shown as actually dangerous and scary, especially in the underworld. Once more this place is a delightful example of visual creativity and the incorporation of Polynesian mythology into the story, combined with the neon look of deep sea abysses as well as sheer incredible boat designs for the Kakamora.

But visuals are not all there is to this world of monsters. Just like with every other character, there are more sides to these villains than mere meanness. The Kakamora are ridiculously cute, but also highly dangerous, and obvious master builders of gigantic ships with intricate mechanics ob board. In one of the best action scenes of the whole movie (and a lot of others), Moana is shown knocked down by a Kakamora, then fighting them with no more than a paddle, climbing around the ship parcour-style, and saving a chicken by gripping it with her teeth, only to swing and jump back down to her boat. There are not enough words to describe the magnificence of this.

It is also the humour that defines these villains, such as the giant crab Tamatoa and his immense conceit. I found this interesting, because it is actually a baddie who tells Moana that she shouldn’t believe in her grandmother’s lesson of listening to her heart, and that she should instead go for a sparkling look because looks are everything – and that Tamatoa tricks ‘lesser’ fish into his mouth that way. Even more interesting, he compares himself to Maui. Both Maui and Tamatoa are shown with gigantic ego problems and keen on their looks, which Moana completely ignores.

Maui gets a bit of a humbling lesson when he turns out unable to shift shape in the cave, and his motivations behind the theft of Te Fiti’s heart are revealed. Moana accepts these, but never does she let him off the hook. (I should stop these metaphors, but they just keep coming…) She cannot help him if he doesn’t let her, and he starts to understand this. As she says, ‘But the Gods aren’t the ones who make you Maui. You are.’ She builds up his self-esteem, and only then does he start to trust her. Mind you, this is not the female character being pushed up because she already is that strong. Neither is Maui the main character of the story. This highlights Moana’s inner strength just as shows Maui’s difficulties. She even trains him – cutest bug ever by the way – just as he teaches her how to sail. When he tells her about her ancestors having sailed the seas, linking this to her learning, this is the greatest thing in the world for her. They finally start to understand each other, sharing insider jokes, but giving up on their mission to Te Fiti is no option, even when Maui turns out scared to the bones of Te Fiti’s heart. Why? Because it bears the power to create life itself?

Branching off a little, I think it is important to remember that this power is a more than natural one, and usually associated with femaleness. This is represented by the goddess Te Fiti, but also that she ‘gave birth’ (mind the wording) to Te Kâ as this life-giving heart of hers is ripped out. Obviously Te Kâ is but another aspect of Te Fiti, just as volcanoes and green islands can be one and the same thing.

Moana is the one who finally understands this. This is her greatest power, her ways of seeing and understanding, and being true to her principles when dealing with the world. She sends off Maui to deliver the heart, but it cannot be done, he fails – because he fights Te Kâ when he should apologise to her. It is not Maui who can save the world, and instead of admitting that he was wrong, he blames Moana for his damaged hook. Moana thinks that if he can’t, what is she supposed to do?

So Moana gives back the heart, but instead of yelling at the ocean, she begs it in tears to choose someone else. But, and this is fantastic, it’s her grandmother and her many other ancestors who show up when she is all alone in the middle of the ocean and at the end of her strength.  Gramma Tala tells her that it’s okay to fail, that she can go home if she’s ready – and that is a real option. Failure is okay. Sometimes things are too difficult.

But Gramma Tala also asks Moana who she is, and it’s the vision of her ancestors that makes her realise who that is. She jumps into ocean to retrieve the heart herself, without any help, and realises she has to deliver the heart, not some hero. It was her task all along.

The difference in Moana’s approach is that she has a plan to get past Te Kâ, not to defeat her, and that she has spotted a weakness of the fire demon. Moana actually looks like Maui from the legend here, a slender figure with her hair in a knot, and she shows her full strength and ability with the boat. She becomes the heroine to save the world, and when Maui changes his mind and helps her again, he acknowledges that.

Why Moana then? Another great aspect of this movie’s storytelling is that it is not straightforward in its answer. Maui says that she was chosen for her ancestry, but that is only part of the truth. Moana herself was picked because she is both brave and just, and cares for nature and those weaker than she. Even as a toddler, instead of running for the beautiful sea shell, she helps the turtle. When she extends a hand to the ocean, she’s not so much chosen, but accepted as a friend and some sort of foster-daughter.

There is another very good question though, and that is why the ocean didn’t just bring the heart back to Te Fiti itself. The answer is, because it had to be done by someone who understood Te Kâ’s nature, and why she is the way she is: not a villain, but a deeply wronged and wounded creature whose very essence was taken from her. Moana has this understanding. She asks the ocean to let Te Kâ come to her, and encounters her with friendliness, which Te Kâ understands and becomes solid so as not to burn her. They exchange the touching of foreheads, which is a gesture of deeply respectful, harmonious greeting. Te Kâ turns into Te Fiti again after having received the heart, revealing who she was all along.

Maui not just apologises to Te Fiti, he has also learned that he doesn’t need the hook to be himself. Moana is rewarded by the goddess with a boat: not only her way home, but also what she always wanted and a nod to her heritage as a wayfarer. The hug between her and Maui is very sweet and, let me just point that out again, there is no boring lovestory involved.

When Moana returns home, she finds nature restored and both her parents have noticed so, paying close attention to their surroundings. They are all visibly moved to be reunited again, another important aspect of their characters. Moana especially almost cries, so much has she missed then. This is not the end of her adventure, this is closure on its beginning.

Instead of putting a stone on top of the mountain the way chiefs have done before, she adds a seashell the kind of which the ocean offered to her when she was but tiny, which is a great way to continue that story arc. She accepts her position, but in her own ways. It is Moana who brings her people back to the sea. She teaches her father how to sail, she is in perfect harmony with her mother as they handle the boat, and she even sees a manta ray with her grandmother’s tattoo. When Maui returns to accompany her people as they sail the waves at high speed in their ancestors’ boats, this is the greatest moment for Moana.

This final image of Moana on the literal top of everything her people have achieved, so deeply happy and fully in her place, is the central message of the movie, and a fantastic one. It is not a story about being somehow chosen, but of finding her own identity in the lived history of her people, their deep respect for nature, and that approaching the world and other people with an open heart and mind, with understanding and kindness, with self-integrity and being an active part in one’s community for the better of everyone, is what makes out happiness for her. Personally, I cannot think of a better movie for our times and any.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not Polynesian, so if you are and you spot something in this essay that’s not okay, please don’t hesitate to call me out on it. I’d be very grateful!

[theworstbob]

the thing journal: 30 july 2017 - 12 august 2017

the pop culture things i took in over the last two weeks (because i was busy last week). in this post: faces and sounds, catch me, superstore, me. i am mariah... the elusive chanteuse, crazy heart, platinum, cocksure, the obsessives, okja, golden, if you wait, nervous system, moana, right thoughts right words right action, who told you to think??!!?!?!?!, the incredible jessica james, moonrise kingdom, and unbreakable kimmy schmidt

1) Faces and Sounds, by Pete Holmes: Faces and Sounds is such a good name for a Pete Holmes album. Like, if you were to read a transcript of a Pete Holmes set, it would obviously still be very funny, but it wouldn't seem like one of the best things in the world. But when the material is paired with Pete Holmes' boundless exuberance, it's one of the most distinct comic experiences of all time, like Pete Holmes is one of maybe three people I could imagine both wanting and being able to pull off a joke about Enrique Iglesias in 2017 because he can sell you on the idea that he's a man who is enjoying the fuck outta some Enrique Iglesias in 2017. Pete Holmes is a nice boy who likes to say fun words!

2) Catch Me, by Maggie Baugh: So I was sick last week, so I missed a Thing Journal, and now I'm here, and I'm looking at this pop/country album I listened to, at this point, exactly two weeks ago, and I'm trying to figure out something I remember about it, but all I can remember from this album is thinking, "This is an acceptable way to background 38 minutes." It's a fun time, but it's not particularly memorable, there's no strong character to any of the songs, nothing that suggests any strong desire to rise above the level of "#16 country radio airplay single."

3) Superstore (s2), cr. Justin Spitzer: And it's kind of the same thing with this sitcom! This is significantly more memorable than Catch Me -- the romance between Wheels and Lauren Ash is one of the single-greatest romances in history, every interaction those two shared made me happy forever, and it's worth noting that the show knows the perfect amount of usage it can squeeze from the teen mom's husband's character, but it is very much A Sitcom, something that's gonna be really fun for the seven hours it'll take to watch it (slash have it on in the background during Zelda times) but isn't going to make an effort to rise out of the B+ range. It's a good show, recommended if you're looking for something to enjoy, but not if you're looking for something to sink into, if that makes any sense.

4) Me. I Am Mariah... The Elusive Chanteuse, by Mariah Carey: Her. She is Mariah... The elusive chanteuse.

5) Crazy Heart, dir. Scott Cooper: I'm not sure how long I would've made it into this movie were it not for Jeff Bridges and the promise of more T. Bone Burnett. It makes me angry that T. Bone Burnett's wastebasket is filled with songs a million times better than anything I could ever write, and Jeff Bridges adds layers of depth to a character that doesn't really deserve his performance. Like, here's my main gripe: this movie is about a self-destructive person, right? But this movie chooses to depict the dad he destroyed, you see him interacting with Buddy and Maggie Gyllenhaal and think he could've been a wonderful husband if it weren't for that damn ALCOHOL, when a much more unique movie would've been the movie just at the edges, about how he destroyed Bad Blake. Like, imagine Bad Blake watching Scoggin' Billiam or Walker Wheeler or whatever ponytail's name wasperform the best song he ever written and knowing that Scoggin' Billiam could never do it justice, that Bad Blake kept Bad Blake from enjoying a career-defining hit and has to settle for royalty checks, that's a way cooler movie about what art means and the things we do to chase dreams and how we get in our own ways, it's a way cooler movie than "man loses woman and decides it's time he gets right." Like, it's a movie about a musician that doesn't have any music after the forty-five minute mark. That's dumb.

6) Platinum, by Miranda Lambert: So with this album, Project 2014 was completed, I caught up on all the 2014 releases I think I want to listen to (though I'm sure we'll find more at some point), and I am free to move on to 2013. This is one of the better Miranda Lambert albums, and it hit all the Miranda Lambert buttons, songs about being a pissed-off ex, songs about people understimating attractive women, standard country songs about being proud of small-town upbringings, it's all there. I feel like there's five album reviews from last week and all of them are some variation on "it was good," and I'd like to say I tried my best but I'm not sure that I did? Like you can probably tell that this was the last capsule I wrote, there's gotta be some air of "if I can say three sentences about this album I will be at last free."

7) Cocksure, by Laura Stevenson: Of all the female singer/songwriters I've heard about from checking Dan Campbell's Twitter feed, I think I like this one the most, simply because she's plugged in as hell. This album just rocks. I wish I hadn't gotten sick over the weekend and had written this capsule after listening to it twice in one day, when all the songs were fresh in my mind and I could have called out some specific lyrics, but bad as I am at listening, I still remember that this album is a joy, and I'm very much looking forward to hearing more from this person.

8) The Obsessives: THIS WAS A GOOD ALBUM BY A PUNK-LEANING BAND AND I ENJOYED IT AND GODDAMNIT WHY DON'T I EVER REMEMBER ANYTHING, I SAID I WAS GONNA WRITE STUFF DOWN AND I DIDN'T AND NOW I'M HERE YET AGAIN, WAY TO GO ME like I've been at this post for three hours and I can come up with things but i just, ugh, i'm bad at listening

9) Okja, dir. Bong Joon-ho: One of the things about Netflix as a production entity is that it seems to be staying out of the creators' way as they try to make their thing. It's giving people creative and financial freedom, provided they can make something lucrative for Netflix. And if the upshot is more movies like this, where high production values are being paired with thematic complexity and brutal endings, I'm for it. Like, this is a bold, devastating ending. (Turning spoilers on!) The corporation is the winner. The girl gets her pig back, but she's also going back to the farm knowing the horrors that occur behind the scenes, having seen the grotesqueries the corporation deemed not good enough for the cameras. The environmentalists get arrested, and the corporation gets a gold pig that's probably worth more than they were going to make off the meat the pig was going to produce, as well as continue to kill pigs. The machine keeps churning, and all a regular person can hope for is the chance to be afforded a small, personal victory. Not a lot of filmmakers would have been willing to go there, and not a lot of studios would have been willing to let them explore that place.

10) Golden, by Romeo Santos: I don't speak Spanish, so I'm not gonna pretend I have anything truly substantive to say, but one thing I'd like to point out is, the instrumentation on this record is something I never hear. Like, because I don't listen to Spanish-language stuff, I don't hear guitars played the way they are on this record, so even if I have no idea what this album is about (I'm assuming it's about how good Romeo Santos is at horny), I can still get some value out of hearing a new way to play music. Like, I can't remember if I brought this up when I watched the Finnish film The Happiest Day in the Life of Olli Maki, but in that film, there's a scene where a bunch of the boxers have a naked splash fight in the locker room. That scene either doesn't happen in American film, or happens as a joke, like, "Look at these silly boys having an effeminate fun time!" But with the Finnish movie, they're just like, "Yeah. Sometimes men have naked locker room splash parties. It's fun to have fun," and they move on, and it's cool to see how other cultures treat that sort of thing.

11a) If You Wait, by London Grammar: This isn't a full album, or at least I wouldn't consider an album featuring a live performance from The X Factor to be a complete artistic vision, so I'm not counting it as a full thing. I did enjoy hearing the undeveloped version of the ban I so enjoyed on Truth Is a Beautiful Thing, hearing some of the ideas they had for their sound, hearing things that they would eventually drop, I dunno, this might just be because I like introductions, but it's fun to revisit debut albums well after the fact. ...Except The Wonder Years' Get Stoked On It! The Wonder Years is my favorite band, but I don't know if I'll ever be ready to hear what Get Stoked On It! sounds like. Anyway, London Grammar, they're really dope. I'm not gonna go back and see if I compared them to the Parks & Rec scene where Tom is confused at how the shapes make him feel things, but that's how London Grammar makes me feel. I have to figure out these shapes!

11b) Nervous System, by Julia Michaels: So let's also bring this up, because Julia Michaels is an awesome songwriter and most of these seven songs are good and I can't wait for a full album, true YAS hero Julia Michaels, but also, "There's no innuendo/It's exactly what you think/Believe me when I tell you/He loves the color pink." I mean. You can? I would never tell you you can't. I'm just not. You can! I'm not.

12) Moana, dir. John Musker & Ron Clements: This would be one of the best Disney movies if they had cast an actual actor instead of The Rock. He gives a very enthusiastic performance, it's clear The Rock is trying his best, but it is equally clear that The Rock is not a voice actor, nor should he have been asked to be a voice actor. Like, there's probably a cooler movie here where Moana ends up having to fight both the volcano monster and Maui at the same time, where Maui reveals he was never more than a selfish jerk and Moana has to push herself to overcome Maui's selfishness to restore order and go as far as she can, but because The Rock isn't capable of nuanced vocal performance, it's kind of a standard buddy comedy with a few highlights ("Shiny" best song, I can't believe Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote a top-tier Flight of the Conchords joint) and Alan Tudyk giving an Oscar-worthy performance (I can't tell if it's funnier if they just used real chicken noises and gave Alan Tudyk a credit for the chicken or if Alan Tudyk was actually in a recording studio making chicken noises for thirty minutes) but not enough meat for this 28-year-old man to be satisfied with a children's movie. Um, know your audience, maybe?

13) Right Thouhgts, Right Words, Right Action, by Franz Ferdinand: Franz Ferdinand could make this exact album a thousand more times and I would love it a thousand more times. This music is my happy place, which means Franz Ferdinand has achieved their goal.

14) Who Told You to Think??!!?!?!?!, by Milo: I had to look up whether or not whether or not the Link to the Past boss Arrghus was named after some mythical figure or another because I heard some line like "Argus with a hundred eyes" and needed to confirm if I was giving this guy a shout-out for the first Link to the Past reference in a rap song I've ever heard. Truns out: it is! So that's one special thing about this album, how it's so densely laden with references that you sort of need to have a reference guide handy just to keep up, to catch everything this dude is saying, something which warrants multiple, attentive listens, which, pffft, who the fuck got time for that? So I probably haven't explored this record fully with one bus listen, but I'm excited to get in there again at some point.

15) The Incredible Jessica James, dir. James C. Strouse: There's a way to make a thing about what it's like to be an Artist in New York City that's its own thing and doesn't feel like the other billions of things about being an artist in New York City. I know this because I read literally show me a healthy person this year. This was... This was not an example of how to tell a story about being an artist in New York City, or being single and looking for love in New York City, or looking for love in 2017 with all these apps and social media the kids use these days. Jessica Robinson does her best to make it unique, and man, this film did not deserve the work she put in making this film watchable. But yeesh, this movie doesn't need to exist.

16) Moonrise Kingdom, dir. Wes Anderson: So first off, let's all agree we are giving Wes Anderson side-eye for the copious shots of 12-year-olds in their underwear. I know it's for art! But remember last Thing Journal, when we watched Jackie Brown, and there was a long, long close-up of the one girl's feet? I do not trust Wes Anderson! But I do enjoy his films, as I am a pretentious white boy with a sense of whimsy, and can I tell you guys about the funniest line I've seen in a movie all year? The boy and the girl are mourning the dead dog. "Was he a good dog?" "Who's to say? But he didn't deserve to die." That is the most Wes Anderson shit of all time and I loved it. It was a charming film about young love and broken people finding each other, especially resonant since it is two kids. We only hear the stories about how they act out their emotional damage, but when they're with each other, they're calm, at peace, because they found a kindred spirit, and I thought that was touching.

17) Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt s2, cr. Tina Fey & Robert Carlock: Maybe it's because I spent the first 25 years or so of my life accepting the 22-minute sitcom, but every single episode of this season, I would ay, "Hey, this was a fine episode! I bet we're ready to wrap up soon!" and then I'd see there were eight more minutes of sitcom left. And that's not specifically a critique of this show, I think everyone making TV shows in a commercial-free environment needs to look into their hearts and ask themselves if they really need to take advantage of lax time limits, but especially in a show as zany as this one, you run the risk of running out of gas for minutes at a time, or needing to explore unnecessary subplots, like Jane Krakowski crusading against the Washington Redskins, which, why? Why would th -- no! You don't need that to be a plot point! You didn’t need to bring up the Native American thing again! Why would you lean into that? No! This is me being exceedingly negative about a season of television I truly enjoyed, Ellie Kemper is a national treasure and when this show is on it is unlike any other, just that unfortunate tendency we all have to focus on misses instead of hits.

[geekygek]

Moana two idea

I just had a dream about Moana. More like Moana 2 There is no intro, it was connected to a previous dream. If truly wanna know read the next paragraph if not jump to the second one I remember the main characters of the dream (I saw through their eyes some times, and some theme would of no were I was there, it constantly change of perspective, I think they were the try guys from buzz feed, I only remember Zach, the short one with glasses) leaving an institute, and to get out they crosses a bridge of stairs, but the bridge wasn't necessary, there was nothing going under there was not even a hole. But at the levels area there was a lady selling weird kinky stuff, fake big boobs some were transparent,( I remember that I as a myself ask if there were some smaller and she said no, I fore some reason asked if she was going to be there the next day she says yes and smiled, I thought about coming back the next day to see if she had maned to bring some smaller) there also were wipes, fake inflatable animals, some long and glowing stuff that were like a necklace but open and they were please fasten to the front of the neck and the opens parte fell at the back, there also was leather stuff, and other things. Then the many characters got the weed necklace went down de stair of the bridge and they were at the beach, they started swimming and Zach's necklace was push to the bottom of the see, he got mad at their person who pushed it, Zachary try to reach for it the guy who pushed the necklace and an other of the group king of helped him to reach it, but they didn't really help, they when he had it he started to swim to an island that was infect of them tours an under ground túnel, the other guys were surprise that he was going, it was their plan but they didn't thought that he would go with them. Then Moana begins After going through the underwater tunnel ther arived to de lag one inside the island (in which was hard to breath sins there was only a couple centimeters -like 7 to 10- between the water an the sealing, it was a long tunnel so you had to go for air to the top a couple times, so that made it hard) they arrived to some natural jacuzzi more like a hot pond, one inside the other (they were small volcanos full of water) one big and one smaller inside it, in the smaller one was Te Fiti this was so a ritual of rebirth could be done, and the one arriving was (the many carácter who became) Moana, she was surprised that the ponds were cover on some kind of volcano dust, like pollution or the residuals of a fire, Moana ran and try to get it off of Te Fiti but then it all retreat into the larger pond and formed a man, he said that he was trying to help and know he would have to start again, he was try to stop something from coming in, Moana rock a lock at Te Fiti and saw her sad and weak and soon after she was cover again by the dust, nobody knew what to do,the ritual happen every 1,000 years the dust man said that he was the ashes of the death, so the island of Te Fiti could grow again from the ashes of the fallen and learn form of older. The dustman order Moana tribe to start cutting the treats and plants left at the island of Te Fiti and burn them to add to the ashes (the Te Fiti at the pond was the side of a human, but it was the físicas representation of Te Fiti heart and body, the inside lagune was inside the actual island of Te Fiti, that was also cove with the dust) the tribe started to do as told and kit the flora not yet cover by the dust and left it clouse so it will unite with the rest of the ashes, everything was starting to turn grey and the dust man said that the ridirth was clouse. Many different creatures, animals and monsters started arriving from the see from all directions, the dust man said that they were there to feed on the energy of Te Fiti’s rebirth so they had to fight them, it went like that for a long time and Moana was tired of having to hurt others, she thought “I'm doing this for Te Fiti, and when it's all over I will see that it was worth it” but still she had a hard time accepting it, so she thought that if she sow this beautiful green eyes once more she will remember what they were fighting for so she went Inside the dust to see Te Fiti’s face even though the dust man said that it was prohibited, she winter the dust and saw a monster of dust fearing in Te Fiti's volcano, tears running down her eyes, she threw a rock at him and he turn tours her, it was all a lie the monster was about to ataca so she ran and ran to tell her tribe, they were all at the coast and everybody saw how the dust turned into one gigante monster and started attacking Moana, the tribe prepared the canoas and got ready to escape, they barely got away, they didn't know where to go or what to do, and then the see started taking them to some mysterious place. Moana and her tribe was taken to a hidden and sacred place, it was full high stones, walls and walls of this stones, and there were gaps between them and among one of this gaps there was her grandmother, she was a spirit, a gigantic spirit it was like she was there (she was not blue) the bout kept going between the walls of stone until she reach a place where there was the spirit of the goddess it was Te Fiti, the man at the of the dust lied he wasn't trying to help he was stopping the energy from reaching Te Fiti, part of the ritual involved her leaving her physical form to unite once more with the universe and then come back to her physical form but the man they trusted lied and everything they were doing was wrong, the man of the dust was the volcano gigant, he was sucking Te Fiti’s physical form energy, and know the spirit of Te Fiti had bean to long as a spirit in the physical world, she was dying, so Moana fused with the spirit of Te Fiti to fight the giant bust man, the fight was hard and quite lasting, and then Moana started to lose connection with the gigante spirit since Te Fiti was starting to disappear, Moana was starting to wake up in her body and that meant that Te Fiti was about to die so she had no choice but to kill herself to become a spirit so she could permanently fuse with Te Fiti and keep her alive, so with the full union they manage to defeat the dust gigante and trap the dust man, so they could become once more the goddess of nature. And because is Disney Te Fiti would have mange to return Moana to her body But I'm my dream she became a goddess