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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years ago

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Life Story Part 36

Life went on this way for a month or so, maybe two. Zack would unveil new depths and oddities about himself everyday. It seemed to be something he made an enormous amount of effort to do. He showed me where, between his thumb and pointer finger, his cousin had once accidentally shot him with a beebee back in Minnesota. The little ball stayed between his thumb and finger and you could still feel it in there. He told me about how his heart was on the wrong side of his chest, and doctors said he wasn't going to make it past ten, but he seemed to still be around so he would probably be fine now. Everything he told me was recorded carefully and meticulously in my understanding of the whole. I should have been happy, I didn't really have to do anything, and Zack was just there everyday. But then, I found myself more stressed. I was giddy, but this wasn't fun. His paranoia went as far as he suspected that many of the people in the school and in the town had been replaced by robots. I found myself getting these waves of nausea and confusion around him. I didn't know why. I didn't know what to do with anything he said either. It seemed like making him feel better wasn't the point. It seemed like happiness wasn't the point of anything anymore.

And I was confused. He courted me for months. Just when all the stars and the moon had aligned, some force had mysteriously reset the chessboard. And then he disappeared and come back with an entirely different mindset about me. I now felt like I was under his control, but like I was more of a disciple or a councilor. Do you court people for eight months, and then give them an unromantic role in your life once you have completely overthrown their autonomic sense of reality and they are willing to walk off a cliff if you merely asked it of them? Because that is what ended up happening. And despite all of that, I would have killed for Zack. I would have done whatever he said. I felt like he had systematically taken me apart and was putting me back together in a new way. All the while, I felt cheated. I just wanted him to feel the same way for me that I felt for him. But I was willing to put myself through this for him. I came to school shaky every morning. I was not able to sleep, simply waiting for second hour to roll around once again.

Maybe too, when it really came down to it, I was afraid of the intimacy in the situation. Nobody had ever confided in me like this. There was this need to resist it, and run, but a stronger pull to give into it entirely. It really hurt. It forced me to confront Zack as a real person rather than an idea. I have a natural tendency to like people be they a friend, a hero or a romantic interest and then put them in a frame and hang them on the walls of my inner world to look up to and see the best in them. I love these people. But when I have to jump into the frame with these individuals, I feel very awkward. I sometimes see sides to these people I didn't want to see. What if I become disenfranchised and that person is nothing as I thought they were? Then I have ruined a beautiful thing, and I will have to take down the picture, leaving a barren empty space where that person used to be. But more likely than that, I feel like I am afraid I cannot live up to the great beauty that I saw in the other. So me jumping in the frame as an equal was/is hard. I feel like I am making a beautiful thing that I value less beautiful, and the stress to do everything with a novelesque perfection is very high.

Also, I couldn't tell if Zack was losing his mind or not. Maybe he was, maybe I was. Or maybe we lived in a very fucked up world that was out of touch with greater things. I had no other information to go on. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone anymore. Obviously there were no adults who understood or cared. Calling my feelings a crush didn't quite cut it anymore. I tried to explain that this was like we were speaking to one another on a higher plane of existence, but that made zero sense to my friends, what little I might have said to my mother or sisters, and it was something my father could never know about – and in any case I already knew he didn't get that sort of thing.

Sarah suddenly seemed very feeble to me and unsure of herself. She seemed to look up to me in a way she never had before, and this was largely because Zack put so much value in me. Nobody believed I had magic powers of course besides him. I never believed that either, not for one moment. But it still did scramble the way Sarah looked at me. I knew this because she was comparing herself to me in his eyes, and I could see that plain as day in the way she talked, behaved and thought of herself. It made me weary. Why? And didn't she understand that my position didn't feel good at all? Like, I was addicted to it. I was terribly addicted. But now I had to worry about someone I was in love with being schizophrenic, and secret societies. I had to force myself to think day and night about how to best live up to this great authenticity that Zack was looking for. There was no cuddling or fun stuff. This was a soul-searching mess. But all she saw really was power. That's all that Ava saw. It reminded me of something my father had once explained to me.

Though he is wrong about a great many things concerning human relations, he told me once that humans, like every animal in the animal kingdom serve and long for power. It's so engrained in us that we don't even know it. We immediately see it in other people. We search for it in ourselves. We have different language we use to disguise this fact, but every micro detail in any given situation and you will see the transfer of power between two people. Every thought you have is a search for a new way to find power, a way to maintain it, or a reaction from a fear of losing it. You can see it in the body language of any two people talking. Human beings are in a constant state of war, even at the best of times. We are a violent and chaotic animal who lusts for power, in all it's various forms. Even eastern religion, which seeks in some ways to eliminate the lust for power, is in itself a facet of the same problem. It's an attempt to wipe away temptation and desire itself, which are considered weakness or hindrances to greater enlightenment more like. I never wanted to believe that really, but I was starting to see it as a truth that I could not avoid. It was weird to think that just two years ago Sarah had been schooling me on why I wasn't cool and she was.

Ava wouldn't look at me if I talked about Zack at all. She had been acting really strange lately, well, stranger than ordinary. She was acting impulsive and greedy in just about every scenario. She left absolutely no room in conversation for anyone else. She was still funny, and I still enjoyed being around her but in a sense she wasn't fun like before. She had become vainglorious. She would call me on the phone, and then just talk without hearing or responding to anything I said. It was getting to where I didn't like her calling me anymore, though I didn't want to admit that to myself. I took her phone calls more and more reluctantly.

And Samantha was not really apart of 'the group' anymore. Sure, she ate lunch with us, would share her pencils and paper. She seemed to like Sarah okay, and was still around us, but she had her boyfriend up in Moscow, Adam and what happened between her and Adam, or sometimes other guys she talked to on the internet was all that mattered to her anymore. And there was nothing about our little lives that interested her really. She had ambitions to go to college, and I think my attitude against the institution of our little lives kind of annoyed her. She wanted to work with the system that existed, excel and get by. Not question everything to bits hoping to tear down society and restructure it in some new way as I was naively beginning to propose at the lunch table on lunch break.

I remember quite distinctly waking up every morning riddled with a massive amount of anxiety and adrenaline. I would feel sick to my stomach, but excited. Everyday something compelling and new would happen, and I was changing rapidly. In the class that Zack and I did most of our talking FFA, there was another class going on for a very small minority of seniors who were learning how to weld. And there was this smell of burning metal that I will never forget. It mixed with my anxiety, and I imagined myself to be an animal being helplessly ground into a machine with that unnatural smell all around me. And then Zack's eyes. It all muddled together and when I think of it now, I still can almost smell it. I would always start my day by listening to Vegetable Man and Baby Lemonade by Syd Barrett. Ava had burned me these two songs to disc and I would listen to them on repeat every morning as I got ready. Then, I would I'd skip breakfast and fly up the hill. I could feel absolutely no pain in my legs at all, which was weird. If you have ever run for your life, in total fear, then you might get my meaning. Your legs just don't register the pain. I was rushing up the hill as fast as I could. Once I got to the top, I would look down at the school on the other side of the hill and see if I could spot Zack. He would often be waiting for me, a little tall green flannel speck with blonde hair waiting for me.

One of the times I ran down there, and first thing he learned the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody over the weekend and was just being absurd and singing off all the lines. He had taken out the time learning all the lyrics just so he could be entertaining and funny and sing them to me when I got to school. Zack also made me tapes of his songs. He mostly covered Nirvana, but also did a Jimi Hendrix song, The Rolling Stones, and Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground. He sounded like Thurston Moore if Thurston Moore was drunk and trying very hard to sound like Jimi Hendrix. At the time, he I thought he was the best singer I had ever heard.

Because I had not signed up for Driver's Ed in January, I missed out on a fair amount of time that I could have spent hanging out with with my friends and Zack. I was already beginning to see the error in my ways. How could I have been so dumb? How had I not realized that Zack was going to be in the class? So twice a week for several months I was forced to hear about how they all would hang out in the elementary school. Zack would often say that he really wished I was there. But what could I do? It was too late. And there was a part of me that was skeptical about my ability to drive. My father's girlfriend Tammy had taken me out for a drive on an old dirt road, and I had mistaken the break for the speed peddle and in a panic I had pointed the car to veer off the road and into a ditch. I had fortunately found the break milliseconds before we would have flown off the road. Tammy had me get out of the vehicle and we all drove back. I felt very strongly that perhaps there was something wrong with my common sense when it came to things like this. I could not immediately tell my left from my right either. In fact, a lot of this stuff seemed to be somewhat of a genetic gift from my mom. I had always grown up hearing about what a terrible driver she was, and how she should not have a license. And she couldn't tell her left from her right very quickly either.

Zack and I never did end up going to prom, though, my other friends all went did go. I didn't own any dresses or any nice clothes at all really, and I would have been too afraid to wear a dress if I had owned one. So I stayed home. Samantha and Adam went together Sam wearing just a t-shirt and fishnets. Ava's mom had bought Ava this gothic nurse uniform. And they had gotten the DJ to play Marilyn Manson and it was a grand scene I am sure, the entire redneck community reeling angrily the horrors of 'The Nobodies' (I do imagine that Marilyn Manson would have been quite proud).

Perhaps I should have found a way. But I really felt like there was this bridge between me and the rest of the world. I no longer could be a part of the world somehow. One may say this was depression, and maybe there was some of that. It just felt like I had a duty to distance myself from society. I could no longer feel comfortable in any group. I had troubles even standing with my friends in a circle. Because, were they my friends? Were they really? Even if Zack were wrong about most of what he had said about secret societies running the world, or especially about the whole robot replica replacement thing (dead wrong on this one for so so so many reasons), there really was no ignoring that I was starting to see this pattern with people. I had followed along my entire life, but something had always seemed wrong. Some little voice in the back of my head always knew something was up.

This reexamination of society was the starting point to me thinking critically about things. I was wrong on just about every assessment I made about society, psychology, aesthetics, philosophy and whathaveyou when this all began. Zack wasn't really all that correct about much – nor was he the bag of wisdom I made him out to be, but ultimately, this was the beginning point for my discourse with life itself. I have never woken up a single day of my life without a serious question formed and ready to analyze. I can reach back to before this time and understand myself emotionally, but honestly most of the thoughts I had before this time were quite primitive. I have troubles connecting with my former self intellectually. Seeing my first fourteen years of life is more like watching a movie of a stranger doing things that I barely understand. I was still me. I recognize the emotional wiring of that young girl quite well, as well as a few other inclinations. But my thought patterns were not much to speak of.

Tammy and I went to the Metallica concert. The concert was being held in a very large stadium up in Spokane. Our seats were very far and very high up from stage itself. I had never been in such a big stadium in my life, and as we went up the steep steps, I worried that I might fall. I relied more on an enormous screen projected for the masses to watch, to get a decent view than we did from actual eyesight alone. From eyesight alone, the members of Metallica looked like toy wrestlers you might buy at the dollar store. I was more excited about Godsmack. I've gotten over Godsmack and Metallica now. They don't resonate with who I am anymore. But I will give them something. The singer of Godsmack had this strange moment where he went into this strange chanting episode and stopped playing music that people recognized. He played these strange drums, and it was very trance inducing and dissonant and almost had this otherworldly vibe that made me feel strange. He did this for about ten minutes. I personally was most impressed with this part of the show than any other part of the show and to this day it's most of what I remember. The drummer of Metallica kept passing out, and then they would drag him back to the drums upon his request. I have no idea if this was a stunt or not.

That Easter was a strange one. I ended up having Sarah and Ava over for a sleepover. We stayed up late, talking and laughing about various topics. My father came home, and was snoring so loud that the entire upstairs and downstairs rang with the sawing sounds of his snores. Then Tammy came over late and drunk. We could hear her drunken steps going up to my father's bedroom, and much to my disgust, they began having loud ridiculous sex. My friends and I all held our ears. It's never been my idea of fun to listen to my parents going at it. It seemed to last forever. Eventually, all three of us just started holding our ears and singing over the noises, but nothing seemed to stop it. I knew they must have heard us singing as loud as we could, but they didn't seem to hear. Ava pointed out that there was no way that Tammy wasn't faking it.

Later that night, after my father and Tammy had fallen asleep, Ava started getting paranoid and freaking out. It was three or four in the morning, and we were all sitting in my old room next to the stairs, and they too could hear the footsteps through the house that belonged to no one marching up and down the steps checking room to room. I was used to the ghost noises. But my friends were horrified. And then we started hearing footsteps outside the window. But there was no one out there. Ava was being so out of control with her loud panicking that I was beginning to ignore her. It was unsettling. But as far as I was concerned, nothing was even a fourth as scary if your friends were there with you. These girls didn't know the half of what I dealt with alone. Ordinarily, this kind of thing happened when I was alone. It was eerie as hell, made me feel paranoid and sick to my stomach. I would get scared, force myself to lay down frozen and then force myself to go to sleep to end the agony of thinking about who/what had walked up to my door and had stopped.

I decided to try to ignore Ava's manic hollering, who was more of a nuisance than the noises outside my bedroom window were and everyone knew that she did this kind of thing off and on for attention. She kept insisting to me there was a ball of light outside my bedroom window. I didn't believe her and told her to stop. She kept insisting that there was one though. So I looked out there, and sure enough, there was a light that was moving around in suspension. It wasn't with such bright intensity that you couldn't see through it, it wasn't a perfect orb. It was slightly blue and more soft in texture. It moved a little bit, and then would move back. The outside of my window was a covered porch. It moved up to the ceiling part of the porch. I just kind of watch fascinated, and in all curiousness, I tried to find a light source. There were no street lights that would have created this. It was not beaming from any particular direction. Tammy and my father were both upstairs asleep. It just stayed there by the window, and eventually floated away.

In FFA, by the draw of a hat, Zack and I were placed in a group together that would be our project in that class. Basically, we had to come up with a farm structure. I knew nothing about agriculture or farming and had zero interest, but Zack said he knew a little bit and we would muddle through it. Also, in our group was this older popular athlete named Casey. He told us first and foremost that he thought the both of us were dirty trash, and he had no intention of failing this class on account of us. Just because we lived like degenerates, did not mean that he wanted to as well. Eventually, he talked Mrs. Gulke into getting out of our group, which she complied. Zack and I spent the first two weeks just talking. We got nothing done besides that. Then, in the last week or so, we started working on it. For me, it was kind of embarrassing because for there to be a Sanborn-Brunes joint family farm, would that not mean that one or both of us had to be related by marriage? It just seemed kind of obvious that most of these types of these shared arrangements were brought on by a marriage of some type. I remember little of the details involving this project, other than that Zack was insistent that we have a lot of silos and some kind of aircraft to drop the seeds. Zack had an older brother named Jimmy who flew planes for a living. Jimmy had been Zack's mother's first son with another father, but the child had been taken away by her mother due to her being mentally unstable. Zack's mom had been institutionalized for mental health reasons in the past.

When we went up to do our report in front of the class, Zack did most of the talking. And somehow we passed.

It was becoming painfully obvious that Ava could not stand me being Zack's friend in any way. When Zack would come up to talk to me, she would literally use her physical body at times to separate us from conversing. It was so absurd that it was becoming comical. I no longer had any doubts that Ava was jealous, it was too obvious. It did upset me a little bit, but then I did remember that Zack had told me that he didn't think Ava was a very nice person. What I didn't understand was why he thought that. It had seemed to me that everyone had liked one another just fine that winter. I was tired of beating a dead horse, but I still felt like there was something missing.

One day, I think it was for a health class, our health teacher decided to take us for a walk. It was a bright sunny May day. Jason was back in school. I remember as he was walking with us, he walked ahead of us and went into some old geyser's house to ask for a cigarette and come back. Ava was trying to separate herself with Zack. We all watched as she shoved between me and Sarah, and was standing so shoulder to shoulder with Zack that it was hard for him to walk without touching her. And I remember he finally had to stop her and tell her to give him space. He told her he specifically just wanted to hang out with me that day. Ava was infuriated, and she ended up walking away to walk with Teal instead. Zack and I walked together. I was so happy. I felt like things were finally back to normal. On our way back to the high school, Zack held my hand and we sort of skip-walked and sang Buddy Holly by Weezer.

I was blissed out. Zack regarded me over everyone else. I knew everything was going to be alright and work out in the end. The world softened. I remember thinking that it might have been one of the best days of my entire life as I laid on my bed saturated in glowing happiness after school. I could finally put the uneasiness of the previous months behind me. Then Ava called.

Ava had something to tell me. She seemed upset and nervous. I tried to hide it, but some part of me already knew somehow. It had been unable to form in conscious thought, but somehow I had known. She wouldn't quite tell me until I coaxed her out of it. She finally told me. She had fooled around with Zack. During that fateful basketball game that I had been unable to attend, she made plans with him to go to his house after school. He initially had wanted me to go to his house, but she had found a way to intercede with this and go alone. And she had initiated the whole thing.

The air was knocked out of me. And I felt sick. Nothing was real anymore. As she got more comfortable talking about it, I could tell she was actually enjoying the fact that she could tell me, mostly to brag really. I couldn't move, or talk. All I could think to ask was, 'did you kiss him?' She was confused by that upsetting me the most. She thought all the sex stuff was going to bother me, and it did. But the idea of him kissing her made me the most sick.

I ended up getting off the phone. I was disembodied. I thought about killing myself, but I didn't have any real way to do it at the moment. Plus, my little brother and sister Allison and David were home, and that wouldn't have been right. I couldn't really breath. I was dizzy, falling in and out of consciousness. There is a threshold of pain where, you are besides yourself with pain, and you are able to consciously recognize 'I am in pain.' This is what most pain feels like to a varying extent. But I was not able to do that. I was pain. Pain was all there was. I didn't even know what I was doing. I filled the bathtub with the hottest water that would come out of the tap, and I got in. It burned. My skin grew red. My head was burning. The water hurt me less than my mind did.

Eventually I crawled out of the tub when I hit a point where I couldn't take it. I curled up with a towel in the corner and I tried to scream but nothing came out. I felt myself floating out of my own body, and I seemed to look down at myself in the corner. And then I don't remember anything until I woke up an hour and a half later.

I was shell shocked at school the next day and for the rest of my time in school. I told Sarah about it. She seemed shocked and thought that was really fucked up. I think she tried her best to step outside of herself and understand, but there was no way she could. I just felt empty and drained and used. I felt like Zack had used me in his own way. Ava had used me. I was a fucking idiot. I could see through things now. The world was a cruel place and there was only ever any meaning if you were the one who held the power. I thought very seriously about death. I thought it might be better if I simply killed myself. But I didn't do it. I just kept living somehow. Zack continued to talk to me more or less just the same. For a week there, I fully expected the world to end. But the world is a funny place like that. Everything can fall apart, and yet it just seems like things keep going. I watched Allison and David play outside with their friends, just as I had done when I had been younger. My dad carried on his relationship, BBQing chicken outside. Cars commuted, the school buses went their normal routes. Ava and Sarah found other things to talk about. The world was not going to end for me, or anyone else.

I became very monotone in person. The only time I let myself have thoughts or feelings was behind a pencil or a keyboard. I stumbled through my classes mostly observing the rest of the world that I could never be apart of again. I had spent several years taking typing classes, and I had never been able to type very fast, but now that I had racing thoughts, I had suddenly overnight developed a knack for typing at a rapid pace. The keyboard was an extension of my brain. I would come home from school and write every day. They were no longer suicide letters or dear diary entries, but loose ideas about how I thought the world operated, or metaphors of what life was.

I also lied and told everyone I no longer had a crush on Zack. This was true, but not the way people thought. I no longer thought crush really summed up how I felt. Aside from being deeply disappointed that he had given into Ava's desperate need to get laid. I felt the love that I had for Zack had transformed into an agape type of love that was hard to even put into words. Like I had known him all my life. I took my feelings, I locked them up. Nobody I knew had the right to see the real me anymore.

It actually wasn't for another week that I heard the full story. Ava, Sarah, Teal and Sam, all of them had known, but nobody had told me. Zack had been dating Melissa since November. On the weekends, he had been up in Moscow with his sister Whitney, Melissa, and her older brother Josh. That means that all the times he had said he loved me, held my hand, tried to kiss me, all the things he had said, or expressed to me had been kind of like cheating. It had all been empty. I had been living a complete and total lie. And then what he had done with Ava had most certainly been cheating in a way that was empty and dishonest. It was so dismal and I was so disappointed that I had to laugh at how horrible it all actually was. It was the kind of thing that punches you in the nose so hard that it's almost funny. Samantha – to give credit to her indifference, had been the one who had told me the truth. Sarah had only known for a short time. Ava had known for several months, and so had Sam, but she just hadn't felt like telling me anything because it didn't matter to her. I was in the library, and Sam told me the truth.

What I felt then was more like anger. And of course it as Melissa all along. She had been the one who had taken interest in me to begin with. She had been the one who had infiltrated my friends and gotten them to throw rocks at me, the one who had known I had liked Kyle when I did. And yet, I really didn't dislike her. I didn't think that any of this had actually been her fault. She didn't know about what Zack had been up to in Kendrick, or about Ava or me. It would have been convenient to pin this all on her somehow, but Zack was at fault. There was no other way about it.

My friends just accepted that I didn't like Zack anymore. Sarah may have partially understood that I was not being entirely honest, but it was something that I think everyone wanted to believe was true. I learned how to put on an ere of indifference. I asked Ava details about what she had done. It made me sick to hear it, but I knew that if I wanted to be the kind of person that faced the truth, than I needed to put my feelings behind me, or test my own feelings by allowing myself knowledge that hurt me personally. Perhaps there was a level of self destruction in forcing myself to listen to the fine details. Ava was all too happy to tell me.

In details of how she had gone about it and why, I learned that Teal had pushed and supported her going and doing this. In Teal's eyes, I was a weak female who didn't know how to take what I wanted in life and therefore didn't deserve it. In fact, I deserved to have failure rubbed into my eyes. She thought that girls like me deserved to get hurt. Also, she didn't think friends should have any dibs on guys. If you had more power, and your friend was dating someone you liked, it was in order that you ruthlessly take what you feel you deserve. Might makes right. When I asked Ava why she had done it, she had told me she was horny, as if that was obvious and a good enough answer. I was really baffled. I couldn't believe a person would just destroy their friend's life like that just because they were horny. I mean, did she not have hands?

I also talked to Sarah. I think Ava was trying to get me to turn on Sarah, and I wasn't having any of it. I started thinking back to the beginning of the year when we had still been friends with Katie. It was only now that it truly occurred to me that Ava had screwed Katie over and manipulated her, much like she was trying to manipulate me. Why would she do this? When you looked at Ava's history of friends, none of them stayed, and many people seemed to have a strong negative feeling towards her. I understood now that this was no accident. Ava was a bridge burner, and she did it for no better reason than she was insatiable, and was good at finding new bridges. She burned me as soon as she was able, without a second thought.

When talking to Sarah also, I carefully crafted a question. I had always felt she was jealous. But there had never been any proof. She was polite, kept her distance. But she seemed highly dissatisfied with Zack and me just the same. I phrased it carefully, and I asked her 'If you could magically go back in time and replace me, so it had been you who had gotten close to Zack instead of me, would you do it? She was nervous. 'Yes'. Her voice was shaking over the phone. I closed my eyes.

I went home the day I found out that Zack had been dating Melissa this whole time, and I was angry, but not at anyone in particular. This seemed beyond help. I was angry at the world. Everything was one massive cruel joke. I had tried hard to be such a good person, and it meant literally nothing to no one. I was the weak fool who saw the best in everyone and it had ended up leaving me burned and broken. I took one the kitchen chairs, and I threw it as hard as I could. The legs shattered. I threw the pieces until the chair was a heap of wood. I realized that I had created an enormous knick in the wood floor. That knick is still cut into that floor to this day.

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