#you get an incomprehensible mix of legitimate stuff

[necklesslapras]

on a bootleg Lego kick, lads

[agentnico]

Tenet (2020) Review

Not sure I can like this movie......it made me feel stupid.

Plot: Armed with only one word, Tenet, and fighting for the survival of the entire world, a Protagonist journeys through a twilight world of international espionage on a mission that will unfold in something beyond real time.

The film to save cinema. Or so it is hoped. Christopher Nolan pushed Warner Bros. to stick with the movie’s original July release date for as long as possible (even with the COVID shutdown), and with Nolan being Nolan, Warner Bros. tried to appease him for as long as possible, but in the end Tenet was delayed to come out end of August, with hopes to bring audiences back to the multiplexes for the remainder of the year. First and foremost, having been to the cinemas now, I can assure everyone that it is very much safe to go back to enjoy screenings, as theatres have made all the necessary new precautions to ensure both visitors and employees are safe and protected. However, is Tenet itself worth the cinema visit?

Honestly, I don’t even know. I find myself in quite the perplexing situation where I watched the film, but it feels like I didn’t watch the film, as I legitimately didn’t understand much of what was being throwing on the screen. Mind you, there is a lot being thrown. Christopher Nolan takes full advantage of his $250 million budget (Jesus!) giving us intense action sequences, sprawling James Bond-style locations and so many LOUD NOISES!!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE ARE YELLING ABOUT!! Seriously, this movie is one hell of a kicker to the eardrums. If you come out of the cinema deaf, consider yourself lucky, that’s only the first phase. But not only is it loud, as a whole the sound mixing in Tenet is embarrassingly abysmal! Background sounds constantly overplay the dialogue, making most of the speech near inaudible. In addition, Nolan seems to be missing his The Dark Knight trilogy days, by turning every character in Tenet into Tom Hardy’s Bane, wearing masks which causes anything that’s spoken to sound muffled and near impossible to understand. I guess Nolan is unintentionally being with the times, as in our current climate everyone has to wear masks too, however both in reality and in-film, masks garble up lines making any kind of dialogue incomprehensible. Here I thought, I may not understand what someone’s asking me at a shop, but at least I get what this character in the movie is saying. Seems I was wrong then, wasn’t I! Gosh darn it Nolan, you ruined Christmas! And yes, summer ended, get ready for those annoying folk who start Christmas celebrations as early as September. But I digress, the sound editing is terrible and definitely undermines the film’s other technological accomplishments with the massive sets and all-practical effects. That being said, there is a wonderful exchange at one point in the movie between Robert Pattinson’s and John David Washington’s characters.  “Hngmmhmmh,” says Pattinson. “Mmghh nmmhhmmmm nghhh,” replies Washington. Marvellous.

Moving back to the film’s plot though, I don’t get it. From my understanding, the main story thread-line is actually fairly generic, with Denzel Washington’s son discovering a secret organisation that deals with world threats, and he has to go and find some evil dude who does evil things and is very very evil who may be played by a Brit (of course!) who’s doing his best at a Russian accent (double of course!) who happens to have some deadly weapon that is to cause a nuclear war. So you know, typical Bond stuff. However Christopher Nolan chooses to present this story in such a ridiculously convoluted way, that you get confused by the entire shindig even before all the time-travelling weirdness is introduced. Speaking of the time-travelling element, Nolan introduces us to this new inversion gimmick, and don’t get me wrong, I think the concept itself is actually really cool with huge potential if done right, however its execution in this movie leaves us with only questions and no answers, but even with the questions, I don’t even know what said questions are, as I just didn’t get it. Apparently I’m not alone in this, as even one of the film’s stars, Robert Pattinson, was constantly confused by the script, so spent the entire shoot asking his co-star John David Washington to explain everything to him. It literally is an unsolvable puzzle. It kind of seems like Nolan had a dream, and once he woke up, he decided to just go ahead and make the film without understanding all the details himself, with the motto of “I’m Christopher Nolan b**ches!” and of course, he is Nolan, he could make a movie about a toilet seat having feelings and people would still dig that stuff up! 

When it comes to the performances, there isn’t much I can say. All the characters are not given much depth and are quite one-dimensional, so even though both leads Washington and Pattinson are charismatic and likeable, it’s only because I like the actors themselves, not the characters. Same goes for the likes of Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Yesterday’s Himesh Patel, again, all likeable actors, couldn’t tell you anything about their characters. Elizabeth Debicki is the only who’s given at least some minimal layers, being the emotional core of the movie, but then again, she is mainly kept under the damsel-in-distress role throughout. Kenneth Branagh does the evil Bond villain fine, but his reasons for wanting to end the world kind of leave you thinking “is that it?”. Oh, and Michael Caine gets one of the top-billings on the movie’s posters, yet he’s in the film for less than 5 minutes. That must be one of the easiest paychecks ever!

I really wanted to like Tenet. I admire Christopher Nolan as a director and adore his passion for cinema, however this movie didn’t work for me. It’s too intricately complicated, but in a way where it feels like the movie thinks its more clever than it actually is, the sound design and muffled dialogue is atrocious, there’s no character depth and is overall one of Nolan’s weaker outings. Who would’ve thought that the big reason to return to the cinemas would actually be Bill and Ted! 

Overall score: 4/10

[formulatrash]

Hiii Hazel✨ I wanted to ask you because you are the FE journalist that I trust most😊 The #positileycharged initiative seems from the first statement as broad as the respective F1 initiative. Do you think that the FE initiative will bring real change and do you know what will happen in season 7? Anyways, excuse me for my little ramble, I just hope that it not as hollow as f1s... I hope you have a wonderful evening 💞💖

Heya,

So awhile ago I was like “it’s embarrassing the way FE have done NOTHING about BLM” and Formula E were like “can you not?”

I was a bit taken aback, to put it mildly and was like “well you can’t stop me saying facts” and they were like ok well let’s talk and then fobbed me off for a week and a half while I was fckin fuming at it all. Anyway, eventually spoke to them and they said basically “can you please hold fire because we’re working on it, it’s going to be big and we’re announcing it in Berlin but because we have to do a lot of stuff to make it happen, we’re not going to just say stuff beforehand.”

And I was like: ok. Ok, if you’re legitimately going through this huge HR process and trying to coordinate between teams and across all the event organisers and whatever then I can see that takes time - and a hollow commitment in the interim, well. I still think it would’ve been important to make it clear where they stand. But I also see the logic of being like, “we’re essentially shut down at the minute, we’re going to go away and actually work on this.”

So I’m like alright FE, you’ve got me, I’ll believe you. And they told me I’d hear more about it soon and then... I didn’t and I had to be like dudes c’mon. 

Then when they announced #PostivelyCharged it was very empty. Leading on climate change - which is important but Formula E already do it - and their existing partnership with UNICEF rather than details of their diversification and inclusion schemes, even though I know they’re working on them on a big level.

It’s a bit baffling; for once I actually know they are doing the right thing but for some reason refusing to say it and putting out a very watered-down and to me, somewhat gutlessly generalised message about standing in opposition to “all discrimination.” It’s like just fucking say racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia so Karens imagining it’s applies to them getting cancelled for being anti-vaxx don’t get anything twisted.

So yeah, confusing. I know they are actually doing good stuff and going through a major transformation period but like, I have no idea why they’re leading with Jean Todt mumbling through a robotic script on it followed by exactly the sort of mixed-message, hollow gesture they told me they were trying to avoid. I really like Formula E, obviously and I work with them a lot, again obviously but sometimes they are just incomprehensible to me. 

[spacebrick3]

The Malformation AU: Part 2

Chapter 1 |

Return for the second part of the Malformation AU with @writerofwriting‘s cool character of the Malformation, where...things are already getting interesting on Mars. Unfortunately, Anechoi’s not in the best position (and she needs to sleep) so this chapter will be turned over to Talya:

Chapter 2 (Talya):

Talya Lewis yawns, stumbling out of bed and slamming a hand down about two feet to the right of her flashing alarm. She proceeds to insult said alarm in various inventive and creative ways until she finally finds the off button, tapping out the code to stop the blaring sound that fills the room. A bleary hand rubs at an eye, brushing long strands of black hair out of the way. Six Cities, why did I set that alarm so fucking EARLY?

It’s a few minutes later, hair pushed back into something approximating where it should go and a little bit more alertness in her green eyes, that she makes it out of her room and into their common living area. The two of them - Talya and Anechoi - share it, a three-room apartment where the central area functions as a combination desk/workspace/living room/kitchen/whatever the hell else they decide to use it for that day. Even on the outskirts of Sapphire, it’s expensive, and it runs that line between ‘large enough to run the Designer black market from’ and ‘small enough that the authorities aren’t gonna wonder how two people with no listed income live there’.

Anechoi is already there, slumped against the edge of one of their couches with her mouth hanging open. She would let her sleep, but she’s still feeling a little bitter about being woken up last night and so she kicks the edge of the couch. “Hey, idiot,” she says, even though of course she can’t hear her. “Get up. It’s morning. Time to do things.”

She jumps, rolling over and falling off the couch in a heap and a shout. Talya snickers, patting her on the back as she gets up - Anechoi seems less happy, glaring at her with eyes that are only half-awake. “Really?” she signs, and even those movements are barely lucid. “Really? You just had to wake me up?”

“It’s morning!” she signs cheerfully, even though she herself is only marginally more awake. It’s the clearheadedness of being the most coherent person in the room, no matter the scale of that ‘most’. “The whole day is ahead of us.”

Anechoi is unconvinced. “Like hell it is.” She pulls away and heads for their tiny kitchen, grabbing the last bottle of some greenish drink from the cabinet. “I’ve got a goddamn awful headache and it’s literally splitting my head open-“ she makes sure to emphasize that point, slashing her hand through the air- “so just leave me alone.”

“Alright, alright,” she signs, trying to discharge the mood. It’s too early in the morning for such hostility. She has a headache, she’s not feeling her best, Talya tells herself. That’s what headaches do. She starts another sign, then flicks it away with a shake of her head. No, no no. Um…

Oh. Right. There is one thing to take care of, some personal business before she can leave Anechoi alone. She waves a hand to get her attention back, earning another glare but brushing it off. “Hey. So, a couple days ago it was your birthday. Winter solstice, right?”

She nods, eyes narrowing. She puts down the bottle of soda - since it’s just the two of them, she hasn’t bothered to get a cup. No matter that Talya likes that drink as well and now she can’t have it since if Anechoi has a headache she certainly doesn’t want to catch whatever it is. “Yeah. What about it?”

“Well, Syrus sent a message. He says you didn’t check in with him.”

“What?” she signs, gestures sharpening in anger.

Talya takes a step backwards, confused. “Syrus sent a message. He says you normally check in with him on your birthday. Every year.”

“No, how do you know that?” she demands.

“You…told me? What the fuck are you so angry about?”

Anechoi starts forwards, then stops, glancing around the room. She shakes her head, pressing a hand to her head and hoping some of the cold from the metal will bleed into it. “I…don’t know. Sorry. I’m just gonna-“ she gestures to the couch- “sit down…”

“You should call him,” she signs, unwilling to drop it quite so easily. See, Anechoi wasn’t always Anechoi. Unlike her, unlike the Talya Lewis with no familial connections to speak of, Anechoi still has a family - she just hates them. The feeling is largely mutual, except for her brother Syrus, the only member of her family who apparently showed any kind of affection for her. So she tries to talk to him at least once a year, just to stop him worrying. They’re a thousand kilometers away from one another, and anything could happen on Sapphire.

Except this year. Anechoi flops down on the couch, settling back into the dark fabric. She rolls her eyes. “I don’t care. You can message him and say I’m fine, because, look-“ she indicates herself- “I’m fine.”

She sighs, walking the few steps over to her desk. If Anechoi doesn’t want to be nice today, that’s fine. Talya has her own business to attend to. Her two displays on one side of the desk click on, already filled with text that should have been dealt with two days ago. Contracts and commissions, mostly, people who want her to create Designer circuits for them. It’s how the market works, but it’s a fucking nuisance for the one running it.

A good 80% of the requests can be dismissed or sent back with a form letter, because they simply don’t match the requirements she needs to create such a Design. Or they’re asking her to make it for free. “Hey, Anechoi,” she signs, spinning around in her chair. Anechoi is not looking in her direction, so she grabs one of the candies from the bowl on her desk and lobs it at her, the small yellow sphere bouncing off her forehead.

She reaches down and plucks the candy from the floor, crunching it pensively between her fingers. “What. Do you want?” she asks, with the implication that it better be fucking good.

“This- this-“ She falters under the steady glare. “This guy says I should make something for him, for free, because I’ll get, and I quote, ‘free exposure for investors’”. She pauses, but Anechoi doesn’t even fucking blink. “It’s a black market. It’s illegal to sell this stuff. I don’t want exposure!” 

Somehow it was funnier when she read it. Anechoi regards her with a flat look before turning away again, tapping at something on her personal tablet. Talya can see nothing of it besides the odd glimmer of light, flashing onto her face. Great. Just great. This day is just going fucking fantastic already.

She turns back to her work, examining the diagram of the first legitimate request. It’s a strange design, built with triangles and circles rather than the usual rectangles and for fluid transfer rather than electricity. Oh well. There’s a decent fee for this sort of work, and she’s pleased to see that it’s even through a semi-official channel. It’s a burner email, but the schematics that the design needs to fit with is clearly for Aquamarine. They haven’t even taken the official markings from the diagram.

Satisfied that the buyer will pay, she starts the soldering iron heating and spins to the other side of her desk - the workspace. It’s not a proper workshop, not really, but it’s enough. Designer magic is mostly internal design - the only true physical part is engraving that same Design into a tangible piece of metal, and that’s small-scale.

The best comparison is probably that Designs function a lot like circuits, where the magic acts as electricity that flows through the carved sigil. That’s how the combination of magic and technology - on such a level, not like what IPD was trying to accomplish - works, where the carved sigil actually contains the same wires. Electricity runs through it on the surface, providing basic functions, but below it is the layer of magic.

A pair of lenses slide down over her eyes, darkening the room except for the lines of dazzling blue that suddenly appear in front of her, the paths of magic as she painstakingly engraves the sigil into the metal. She adjusts the focus, grabbing the now-burning iron and pressing it into a piece of copper, tracing the lines experimentally and watching as they fill with molten sapphire.

The soft ping of an alert on her computer distracts her. She moves to dismiss it, except…Lifting the lenses onto her forehead, she peers at the listed address for the incoming transmission. What the hell? What is this? she wonders. Because it’s not an address, not in any meaningful sense. It’s just - a string of numbers, incomprehensible. 

Why not, she decides. Her computers are all backed up and virus-protected a thousand times over, and if it’s a threat, well, it’s always better to know that said threat is coming. She grabs her custom, handmade headphones from where they hang over the monitor and put them on.

The voice that speaks is computerized. “Talya! Talya! Are you there? Come on, don’t-“

“VAL?” She recognizes the voice, because she’s the one that programmed it. “What the hell? What are you-“

“Shut up!” A hiss of static accompanies her words. “There’s no time!”

“Time for what?”

Her utterly exasperated sigh is mixed with the crackle of white noise. Talya frowns, because Designer circuits don’t have static. There’s no way for them to degrade, not like ordinary wires, so there’s no way for static to form. “Listen. Listen to me. I don’t think I have a lot of time, because-“ The transmission cuts off, then clicks back on with an awful grating sound. 

“VAL, what the hell is going on?” she asks in complete confusion. “And why can’t I - can’t you talk to Anechoi?”

“Because-“ she starts, before the signal goes dead again. Talya is frozen, listening for anything she can pick up. There was an edge of her voice, an edge that she never put in there. The edge of fear. “Something...” Her voice manages to break through once again, but it’s quieter now, and the words fall prey to the crackling static. “Don’t kn…IPD…something broke…magic…no…just look,” she manages to plead. 

Then it’s gone. The error message on her screen reports that the signal simply stopped, that whatever it had been receiving was just not there to receive any more. She tries to reconnect, to send her own broadcast, but the address file itself has become corrupted. For a second, she simply stares at the small display, uncomprehending.

She said ‘look’, Talya tells herself, snapping out of the reverie. She said ‘magic’, so…She pulls the lenses back down over her eyes, the molten lines appearing in her vision again. But that is not what she is looking for. She doesn’t know what she’s looking for, and it takes a deep breath to strengthen her resolve. But whatever it is, she can’t do anything about it without knowing what it is. 

She turns, and it is so much worse than she could have imagined. 

The lines are fractured. That’s the first thing she notices. The magic isn’t right, because the lines that make it up are fractured, broken and splintered into hundreds of pieces. Each shard driven like a knife into her skull. They shimmer, but it’s wrong, because the shards are the wrong color, are somehow both every color and no color at once, are just a hole from this universe to the next or the most solid thing in existence. They warp and twist, a strange light flaring even through her lenses.

There is a malevolence behind it, a pattern and shifting in the way the broken and twisted strands move, wrapping and tightening around Anechoi’s head. Somehow, the complex and shifting shards form a brain, the flickering, pulsing chaos at its center in possession of a murderous intelligence. She stares at it and it, impossibly, stares back at her. It has no eyes, nothing to even show which direction it is facing, and yet she knows it is looking at her.

She wants to scream, to grab Anechoi and shake her by the shoulders because that thing is inside her head, is digging in deeper with every passing second. But she can’t. She knows, because scattered around the - around it - are the faintly glowing remains of her own Designs, snapped and tossed aside to go dark. They were the sigils of VALENTINA, the Designs that lifted her from a particularly useful computer into a person, gave her life. Were, until the…creature tore into them, ripping apart the lines with what must have been gleeful savagery, hacking and shredding the intricate patterns.

A flick of a shaking hand lifts the lenses, and there is Anechoi, sitting sedate as ever. No sign of the parasite that even now is cutting and clawing at her head crosses her face, idly swiping through some menu on her tablet. She yawns, such a normal action, so at odds with what Talya knows is happening and yet is powerless to stop.

She can’t stay here. Throwing off the lenses, she stumbles out to the door and out into the air of the city, staring up towards the faded blue of the city. Lights blink and gleam, life continuing as normal as she gaps for air, pressing her palms together to slow her trembling hands. It does no good.

But out here, looking up at the impossibly tall skyscrapers, somehow it seems more manageable. Looking up at the Union building, the pyramid that sloughs off even the skin of the dome to reach for the sky, the tiny shred of magic that’s broken into Anechoi’s brain is microscopic in comparison.

And Talya? She runs the black market for the whole goddamn city. She’s the lifeblood of half the technology that’s currently running around out there. 

So what’s a little broken magic to her?

That’s right, tune in next time for more Talya Lewis VS. the Malformation. Excitement! Action! The abomination that is the sentient and chaotic shattered magic running around out there!

Tag list (if you want to be added or removed, just let me know!):

@lady-redshield-writes, @no-url-ideas-tho, @ratracechronicler, @ken-kenwrites, @ravenpuffwriter, @cirianne, @lonelylibrary @maxbeewriting, @endlesshourglass, @thebloodstainedquill,  @anip-ocs, @dreamwishing, @incandescent-creativity, @fatal-blow, @danafaithwriting, @wri-tten, @thewitchthetimeladythehuntress

[bloodredrose-archive]

the mental illness side of tumblr is this incredible fishbowl that’s a combination of genuine symptoms being interpreted with some legitimate context and then a lot of acting a certain way based on the interpretations of neurodivergencies that have gone through a game of telephone from sources with completely baseless statements. it’s really weird.

like there’s definitely a certain amount of legitimacy in some people/social circles on here but the interpretations of various neurodivergencies on tumblr is really obvious once you, I don’t know, visit forums for people with BPD. or read articles on studies of structural dissociation. anything away from tumblr, really. there’s a basic understanding of most concepts on tumblr but past that, it’s just what someone on here decided to say about it that got spread.

and there’s the fact that most people on here are minors going through formative phases and are, whether or not they realize it now, incredibly impressionable. and they make up the mass of this side of tumblr, which just makes misinformation so easy to spread, and people cling onto looser and more “forgiving” definitions of a disorder until you don’t even have to qualify for most symptoms to “be” part of the community. then everyone screams ‘gatekeeper’ at people who suffer from those disorders in full and are just trying to clarify the official researched symptoms to keep people from making a mockery of it.

and there are plenty of people who have reason to be skeptical of, say, the DSM, but plenty of fakers don’t go by even basic symptoms consistent across real examples and get away with it.

people on here just are not very critical, and that in and of itself isn’t a problem but in this case it affects people, sometimes to a great degree. they’re not critical until popular people get called out for veneering serious disorders for personal gain or just fun. plus stuff like heavy emphasis on media and its’ effects mixed in add the weird dynamic that tumblr is known for.

I’m not really saying it’s black and white and I buy into more shit than I should, and I know that. but the whole thing just has such a specific dynamic. it’s funny sometimes but the rest of the time it is just incomprehensibly irritating

[scottielambchop]

My Summer Set Review (2/2) ...Like, a Year Later

Hey guys, I got really tired on waiting for this thing to be edited (and honestly so did the person editing it). So here it is, unedited (sorry no boobs).

Herobust – Dirty Work: Before I get into this, I have a feeling that this song isn’t about the 1998 Norm MacDonald classic. This song starts off like it’s going to be a dirty-ass hip hop song, which is pretty tight, but then actual beat comes in which sounds like someone put a bunch of springs in a coffee can and then recorded it. As the song progresses, it sounds like someone autotuned an auto body shop. It’s bordering on unlistenable. The lyrics are really good though, you know, just about straight objectification of a woman. Jesus fucking Christ, it’s songs like this that make me really wonder why the fuck I chose to write this shit in my free time. All I can think about are junked out white kids twitching to this song in a grassy field and saying that they’re “in a groove.”

Keys n Krates – Dum Dee Dum: Holy shit, this song’s initial beat is just the words “dum dee dum” on repeat at different tones while someone uses a drum machine. There’s no drive or real buildup or anything. I know these kids like to dance to this shit, but I’m having a hard time even finding myself able to move. Then again, I’m not stuffed to the gills with blow and molly. I just don’t know what I’m listening to anymore.

Malaa – Notorious: First thing’s first, at the time of this review, this song has 6,382,678 views, so I’m thinking this is a banger… but I’m actually expecting the audio equivalent of dog shit through an Instagram filter. Ok, getting started. This song has a very basic beat, almost the type of beat someone would make when they’re trying to explain generic techno. And honestly, I’m not far off. It’s just low-key shit while lyrics from a hip hop artist are scattered about whenever it fits. I don’t hate this, I mean, I also don’t really like it either. It’s so nondescript that it’s hard to formulate an opinion on it. Which makes the high number of views makes so much sense to me, because either it’s so generic that it will keep any shitty 20-something basement party going without “harshing” anyone’s mellow, or someone had to listen to the song six million times just for to formulate an actual opinion on it. It’s probably a mix.

Ookay – Thief: This guy is straight-up made out of autotune. Thankfully, he’s trying to bring back the sexy saxophone, but the shitty over-bassed beats ruin any sort of goodwill that had going for it. Like, this song just sounds like a modern slow jam. There are lyrics… layers and layers of the same lyrics over each other, but it’s alright. I just kinda wish I didn’t have to see what this guy looks like. You know when a barista says “I’m also a DJ?” I have a feeling this guy is that success story. Compared to everything I’ve listened to so far, this song may as well be Rust In Peace by Megadeth, but ultimately it’s just Ookay.

Petit Buscuit – Sunset Lover: Jesus, more than 37 million people have listened to this. It starts off with a with an alright guitar (or synth guitar) riff, but then follows it up with an annoying high pitched voice speaking in a remixed foreign language. But this is really just non-offensive, kind of relaxing. It ever so slowly builds up more, adding in beats and other percussion instruments. Minus the remixed voice, this song is actually pretty good. I’d play it to help me sleep (I swear that’s not a dig). It’s just a quiet, relaxing song, people probably fuck to it a bunch.

Playboi Carti – Magnolia: This is a break from your typical bullshit dubstep/EDM on this list, which is a warm welcome for me. Sadly, this guy sounds like The Streets, but with an over-bassed beat. I don’t know what’s going on with hip hop anymore. Lyrically, it’s like they’re not even trying anymore, no rhyme scheme or anything. Just drone beats and incomprehensible rambling followed by a clearly audible “bitch” and that’s it. That said, still better than most of the stuff I’ve listened to.

Slushii – So Long (Feat. Madi): I can really tell how much this review process has started to change my outlook on things. I legitimately got excited when I saw actual people on the YouTube video thumbnail. My brain is breaking, ever so quickly. Anyway, this actually starts off like a pop song, slow beginning, nice pianos. Hell, even the girl singing sounds like she’s using her own voice. Ok, now the electronic part kicked in, but it’s not overly annoying. Honestly, this just sounds like generic hipster garbage, that people would namedrop to get some sort of superiority (“Oh that’s cute that you Animal Collective, but I’m more of a Slushii person.”) Regardless, I’m worried that they’ll get kicked off of the festival for being an artist that creates an actual song. Prayers for the Slushii family.

Snails – Frogbass: Oh Jesus, they’re hitting the ground running on this garbage. This just starts off really loud and obnoxious. And there’s a buildup where everything speeds up really quickly and subsequently gets quiet. All leading up the huge “dubstep” climax that just sounds like it was made on Sega Genesis sound chip. Like, that breakdown seriously gives me a headache. I feel like I need drugs… I SEE THE APPEAL NOW!

Space Jesus – The Weed: Well fuck, at least we’re now throwing out any attempts a subtlety with this song title. Honestly though, if I wasn’t working on this little project, and someone asked me if I’ve heard “The Weed” by Space Jesus, I would assume they’re one of the coolest stoner metal bands ever. But in all actuality, this song is just a conversation between two people about how a guy doesn’t smoke weed anymore, and that there’s a new drug or some shit out there, then it’s all remixed at different levels over some boring-ass, non-consistent beats. There’s seriously no drive to any of this shit. Like I understand that kids want to have some sort of music to listen to while they’re frying their brains on elicit drugs, but for fuck’s sake, try and maintain some artistic integrity. Oh, and this video has some dumb, weird fascination with waffles, but really, who gives a shit?

Ugly God – Water: Who could have seen this coming? The next natural progression from Space Jesus is Ugly God. In the future, I’m going to cite these two groups as a reason for my atheism. Once again, this is just generic beats with a guy mumbling over it. But wait, this guy rhymed “water” with “water” NEVERMIND HE’S A FUCKING GENIUS! And according to this music video, he’s also very talented at pouring two types of alcohol on someone’s daughter’s breasts. You know, because that’s a thing apparently. Also, this video has a weird gangster element, and utilizes the “f-word” (homophobic slur). Maybe the Christian conservatives were right about us shitty ��snowflakes.” I mean, if (Ugly) God doesn’t have a problem placing himself above women and homosexuals, why should anyone else. I need to rethink my life.

Vanic – Too Soon (feat. Maty Noyes): This Maty Noyes girl has a pretty good voice… I think. It’s kinda fitting the trend of inward sing/mumbling so I don’t know what’s good anymore. But anyway, this song has the format of a pretty basic electronic pop song. Yeah, there’s a part in the middle where the keyboards make auto-tuned “veep” and “voop” noises, but at this point, nothing is surprising. The buildup is ok, and parts of this song are somewhat catchy. Yeah, it’s just a dance-pop song. Nothing groundbreaking, but it’ll get your ass shaking in the club or wherever the fuck you want to go.

Whethan – Savage (feat. Flux Pavilion and MAX): Well first of all, this video was uploaded by an organization called Trap Nation. I suppose there is no better time to let you all know that I have no idea what trap music actually is. So far all I can tell is that it just involves a lot of bass-y fart noises in lieu of a chorus. The quiet parts of this song are relatively tranquil, and I would very much like the song to just be nice an relaxing, but I guess that would make doing drugs in the middle of a field boring, so I guess Whethan added some loud robot farts to get you guys going… and that is trap music.

Wolfgang Gartner – Devotion: Apparently Wolfgang Gartner is the artist most retail clothing stores hire to make their in-house music. I’m currently watching a “lyric” video for this song, and they just have the same two lines on repeat throughout the entire song. It’s really loud and annoying, and yet I feel the urge to buy a pair of $150 jeans and a suit jacket.

Blu J – HDLCK: They sample Imogene Heap for this, so that’s pretty alright. But they replaced all of the music with the typical techno drums and claps, and then fill the rest off with random noises (you know, the sounds like when you hit a PVC pipe with a stick or whatever). I suppose it can make someone shake their ass. It just goes quiet and then loud and then quiet again. I’m now realizing that this review has become a test in how many times I can write the same goddamn review.

Kasbo – World Away: To start off, this just sounds like something that would be played in a dimly lit bar that would make you pay $25 for a gin and tonic. Very light and ethereal, but also really annoying. It’s like the audio equivalent of a late 20s/early 30s aspiring Instagram model. I can only picture people wearing big hats and big sunglasses listening to this and saying that this song is “so dope” and then going back to eating sushi and talking about how they want to travel the world and then live in a tiny home in an open field somewhere.

Russ Liquid – Feral Cat: Oh Jesus Christ this starts with what sounds like a pan flute and then evolves to a Moog synth. All of the sounds are compiling over each other, it’s like a multiple layers of noise that start and stop with the overall beat, like nothing is overtly loud, but there’s just so much happening all at once. After a bit, it just cuts its initial beat, and the noises just come all willy-nilly. There’s a point where a high-pitched voice is singing something, then there’s a clearly slowed down voice saying some bullshit at the same time, while it sounds like someone is having a stroke while playing a synth. This is like the official theme to a sexy headache.

Oh My Love – Spark: Oh good, it’s a band that saw early MGMT and the Phoenix back in 2009 and never grew out of it! That said, compared to practically everything else I’ve heard on this list, this has a straight-up song structure. And if I’m being completely honest, it’s actually pretty good. The female vocalist has a relatively pretty voice, and the beat isn’t overbearing. This song sounds like it would be played on a depressing montage about love lost over a summer in an indie film. Shit, I might actually listen to this song again, when I’m not forcing myself to review it. I have no idea who I am anymore.

Mielo – Surreal (Feat. Abby Sevcik): The beginning of this was highly inspired by the vocal prompts in Animal Crossing. Vocal cuts stopped and turned into actual vocals, which was nice… oops spoke to soon, it’s now just the word “you” in different pitches with a typical electronic beat. And now were back to the regular vocals. I get how this song works. It has some really peaceful, pretty singing and then it’s followed by one of the most annoying choruses. It’s kinda brilliant really, it provides audio highs and lows for people on ecstasy to better ejaculate. Yeah, a little under half of this song is good, but the rest is annoying horseshit.

Porn and Chicken – Ugh, no.

Attom – Stay: This is just local coffee shop background hipster music. Light noises, overpowering beat, peaceful synths and indecipherable vocals. Easy to ignore when you’re trying to finish your essay about how the works of Kant and Descartes affected the political cultures of their times or whatever. It wasn’t anything, Hell, it was hardly there. So needless to say, I like it better than 75% of the rest of this stuff.

GainesFM – Negative Energy: This is just typical modern hip-hop song with a minimal beat and mumbled lyrics. The only thing that sets this song apart from the rest of it is the fact that it sounds like vocals were recorded with a megaphone muffled through a pillow. At least he has the wherewithal to rhyme on occasion. Whatever.

Indrid Cold – Cosmic Dust: This starts off with a sample from an Apollo space mission. As far as I can tell, this guy is just a typical club DJ. Fun fact: I did once go through a minor techno phase in the very early aughts (we’re talkin’ ’01 or ’02). During this time, I listened to a lot of Paul Oakenfold, Chemical Brothers, and Orbital, and honestly, that’s exactly what this sounds like. It’s still shitty techno, but it reminds me of the shitty techno that I used to listen to, so I can tolerate it. Stupid samples though.

Ragebeards – Round 2: Ok here’s the deal, these guys are a local Minnesota DJ duo, I can’t really find anything of theirs on YouTube, so I’m watching a video on their Facebook. The problem (other than the fact that they suck) is that the video is more than an hour long, and I’m certainly not going to waste an hour of my life listening to this. Anyway, I can review this relatively quickly, imagine the worst parts of late 90’s Crystal Method and then add Michael Buffer/Jock Jams samples in there and that’s basically what you’ve got. Take that however you want, I’d rather listen to Filter.

Why Khakiq – Knew the Half: This song is pretty wild, man. It starts off as one of those mumblely hip-hop songs, but then the dude starts straight-up spittin’ rhymes. Then half way through, the beat completely changes to something faster and the guy really goes after it. And then it cuts back down. I dunno, man, I kinda really like this. Solid

Trufeelz – Set Ya Mind Free: Ok, imagine sped up Musak, weird synthy laser sounds, and then the same phrase being repeated on different pitches, one high and annoying, and the other low and breathy… and also annoying. But I can see how people dance to this. It sucks, but as I’ve come to realize, that doesn’t mean you can’t dance to it. OH COOL, THEY’VE ADDED PAN FLUTES AT THE END! NEVERMIND THIS SONG RULES!

Conclusion:

I’ve given one song by every artist a shot. Surprisingly, I found one or two that didn’t make me want to lobotomize myself with forklift (Hell, I actually found one that I actually kinda liked (Lookin’ at you Oh My Love)). But ultimately, most of the people playing this festival sound like the audio equivalent of vape rigs.

Most electronic dance music (techno, trap, house, flip, flop, butt, farts, Jeep Cherokee, flat earth, and whatever other subgenres) is the goddamn worst. Granted, I haven’t even smoked weed since 2009, so I don’t know what these guys sound like on drugs… or stranded in a field with people on drugs. The one thing I’ve discovered, is that this is just the next iteration of hippie bullshit. If you need drugs to enjoy the sounds robots fucking, maybe the sounds of robots fucking isn’t good. But whatever, I’m not going to fully shit on someone’s good time. I just won’t go to the goddamn festival.

If I can leave you all with one last thought, it would have to be “Fuck hippies and their bullshit music.”

But seriously, I hope you guys all do what you want, and do what makes you happy. I know I didn’t. I’m going to neutralize the nearly irreversible damage I’ve done to myself by listening to Propagandhi and Snapcase.

But seriously, seriously, fuck hippies.

Stay safe out there. Always know your dealer.