#you fucking idiots shut the fuck up im a real fucking person and i deserve to take up space and i dont need nor wanna hate myself go

[objectlovernonhuman]

villain fictive existing in online spaces moodboard

[darkstarbureau]

hey i know i said i found discourse a waste of time but theres one little thing i would like to say about a certain group of fuckers who i hope face the justice they deserve.

unlike you, im not going to tag my rage antics with the tag that should be your "safe space".

stop citing fucking religious sources for your "non-traumagenic plurality" bullshit. stop saying shit like "actually its psychological and metaphysical"??!?!!?

here is the fucking definition for you. it is not related to a structured law or form of any kind. anything that actually exists has some definition. by saying that a "practice" that "put people in your head" actually exists is self-contradictory. it is metaphysical. it is not real. shut the fuck up.

it also seems that we have forgotten the whole broken bowl thing that recognized by psychiatry. alters are not full people. they are fragments of a whole personality that failed to form to protect whoever was receiving/experiencing the trauma. by saying that this practice has formed people in your head, you are butchering the very definition and psychology behind dissociative disorders.

why am i mad? im not a system, but i do have a currently unspecified, but nonetheless diagnosed dissociative disorder. these ideologies of people being able to manifest an EXTREMELY stressful experience are utterly disgusting. you are not "pro e/do". you are not pro-anything. you're anti-mental help. you're anti-humanity. we shouldn't even have to call real sufferers of dissociative disorders who have experienced such fragmentation of their own sense of self traumagenic systems. being a system should imply being traumagenic on its own. i am fucking done.

my source? my psychiatrist and several therapists, and the dsm. yours? a belief that you have forced upon yourself so much that it could be medically recognized as a delusion. i wouldnt dare armchair diagnose any of you idiots with any psychotic disorder though, because that would make you feel like you're winning. your own ignorance could be a tiktok subliminal. i am fuming, rightfully. don't fucking talk to any person with a mental disorder ever again.

[212-apricity]

Okay I’m finally here! I wanted so badly to read it when you posted but I was so freaking tired I crashed 😭 But I’m here with another rant/essay of thoughts and emotions haha I feel like with every chapter I write more and more 😂

Getting a glimpse into Conrad’s head in any fic itches my brain nicely, idk I just love him?? Anywho, the way you write his like emotions and his anger/frustration? I’m here for it, he deserves to be a little upset instead of just shutting himself down to protect himself 🥺🖤 BUT him tracking Dean down and punching him before the ass can even get a word in?! Yes!! Thank you omg, protector Conrad getting his emotions out AND making sure Dean knows he’s not welcome anymore? no and then he comes home and tucks us in??? After beating a guy up?? God I’m feral for him I need therapy 😂

Him and his moms? (Bc lbr Susannah x Laurel is the real otp here 😭🖤) I tear up every time Susannah’s cancer gets brought up bc of personal stuffs so like Conrad crying on her and letting himself feel bc he didn’t mean to hurt us while his mom was sick?? My eyes were sweating I wanna give him cuddles and back rubs and forehead kisses 🥺😭🖤🖤

Steven would be that person tho “oh don’t worry I watched the cooking channel I can do this!” And then fucks it all to hell 😂 I love him, I feel like Steven and I would be those besties that are complete idiots together because we share half a braincell 😂

And Connie calling us my girl?!?! AND baby?!! That shit gives me butterflies omg 😭😭 im so lonely lmfao ahh the whole living room scene has me in a choke hold I love him, just ahhhhh the domesticity of caring for your lover after he beats someone up for you 🥺🖤

The almost kiss on the beach had me swooning too 😭 Fucking Steven and cockblocking us 😂😂

MATCHING TATTOOS AHHH 😩😩

No but who tf does Thérèse think she is???? “Sorry I stole your bf I was jealous but I ended things with him” like good for you but stay away lmao like that trust would be so damaged!!! Thérèse and Dean really do deserve each other 😤😤

Okay but us hitting Dean? And just being a feral cat about him not shutting up? Yes please?! Couples who beat shitty exes up together are top tier 😂 (I know we’re not a couple yet but in my heart Conrad’s already my husband 😂🖤) AND AGAIN the of checking over each others wounds?!!! I love them, your honor. 🖤🖤

Okay but Connie immediately wanting to take off and beat the shit out of Dean, while the love of his life’s injured??? But his tunnel vision is just like “gotta kill this guy”?? Like you idiot I don’t want Jere to take me to the hospital I want the person that makes me feel safe there 😭😭😭

Overall I love how theres a bunch of little moments showing how we love each other but it doesn’t feel forced or too fast? Like obviously Conrad and her just wanna kiss (damn you Steven) but also they’re comfortable just existing together too because they both know they care?? Does that make sense? Is that even what you were going for? Idk but that’s how I’m feeling it rn, maybe it’s just my craving for love that’s reading in too deep 😂😂

AHHH 😭 Anyway thank you again for another glorious chapter, I love it, I adore you, and I’m so so excited for more! I can’t wait to see the moms reactions to their tattoos (and for getting into a fight and getting injured 💀😂) and just for more shenanigans in general with everyone 🖤🖤😭

oh. my gosh. STOP I LOVE THESE COMMENT THINGYS SM THEYRE SO FUN.

ok so i totally agree, dean is a RAT he deserves whatever happens to him ik i wrote the damn thing but i stand w it🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

no but fr someone needed to humble dean and thérèse both like they’re so annoying. i didn’t want thérèse to have a giant monologue just explaining why she did what she did bc honestly people like that don’t rly say all that much irl, they’re just looking for ways to get back in ur life and mess it up again tbh and she was just annoying too like

and i mean i didn’t wanna say it myself but yes the main characters here ARE susannah and laurel, glad we cleared that up. they’re literally so cutesy and wonderful i love them sm

STEVENS SO FUNNY STOP- hes literally hilarious i love him sm

no honestly i love the living room scene too it’s so cutesy and domestic i thought those two needed a tiny little cute relaxed moment before it all went down tbh💀💀

and i agree, if someone called me baby??????????

🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

that’s all i have to say. next question.

no everytime i write an almost kiss im literally on the edge of my seat as well like should i make them kiss or should i wait🤨🤨

REAL. we’re not officially w conrad yet but we bascially are married w two dogs and an adopted son (steven) so we don’t even need to go through the formalities anymore

no fr like ily conrad but now is not the time, you better get in that car and drive to the hospital.

YESS IT DOES MAKE SENSE IM SO GLAD YOU NOTICED!!!! i didn’t want to make this one too like fast paced or too like oh everyone gets what they want happily ever after like i feel like you don’t need to be constantly making out or talking w someone you care about, even just spending some time w them is more than enough like just having these tiny cute little moments is so lovely

YESS IM SO EXICTED TO WRITE MORE ON THIS ONE sadly i don’t think i can post another part until like friday night / the weekend bc schooo started again today (kms) and it’s gcse year (double kms) but im so happy you like it, i love love love these conment things so much you have no idea🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

[snowboiwinwin]

can i req for victon reaction when bff! s/o constantly confessing but they think of it as a joke until s/o distances and gets close w another member 👉👈

pls make it a fluff i dont want to cri lmAo

+ im so sorry if this is so detailed sksbskdm

+ take ur time and thank you!

Hi love! 🥰 Thank you so much for your request, I really appreciate it! I’m sorry it took me quite a while to finish this... I’m also sorry if they’re all repetitive! I hope you like it though! 🥺

--------------------------------------------------------

Seungsik:

i find it quite hard to figure this guy out tbh

obviously he is super kind and sweet, but i have no clue how he would react with his best friend confessing

as a friend he is  reliable, honest and very supportive

he is just a great shoulder to cry on

not someone to belittle you or not taking your worries serious

so obviously you fall for him... he is your rock

although he is the oldest and knows a bit about love

i think he would ignore every single signal you send him

like he would be absolutely oblivious and have no clue about your feelings

your confessions? he thinks they are a crazy prank you pull on him

and that really frustrates you... it also hurts ngl

so you decided to take a step back and try to get your feelings under control

but to no avail

Byungchan, the only one of the bunch who is able to tell you’re in love with their leader, tries his best to help you through this heartbreak and somehow manages to distract you with his funny antics

when Seungsik notices you coming over to the dorm less and less and Byungchan always talking about you... he starts to feel weird

maybe jealousy? he really doesn’t know

so he confronts you one day, as he is not one to get into conflicts with his children, and he does that in a very calm and mature manner

no screaming or shouting, just two grown-ups having a serious talk

again, you tell him;

“Seungsik, I. Am. In. Love. With. You! Can you finally be a grown-up about it and stop laughing at my face, accusing me of ‘pranking’ you?!”

he would be soooo taken aback cause

you love him? for real? tf? when did that happen?

but after the initial shock, he is quite relieved 

“I thought you were dating Byungchan... you almost broke my heart.”

you slap his shoulder lightly, crossing your arms and pouting

“you broke my heart first with you constant rejection!”

I’m sorry... but if you would let me, I would love to be your boyfriend. Cause I love you too.”

Seungwoo:

this baby would be SO confused

you constantly want to talk to him in private and then just say “i love you”

he will always reply with an “i love you too” and a big smile on his face

that you are actually confessing... well he really doesn’t get it

he thinks it’s just your way of platonically saying that you love him

and you might be too shy to say that in front of the guys

soooo yeah, he thinks you’re just being his great friend, making him feel loved

he obviously appreciates it and does not understand why these private conversations always seem to ruin your mood

Hanse is the one who kinda notices your sour mood whenever you had a talk with his bro

so of course he confronts you about it and you tell him the whole story

if anyone knows Seungwoo, it’s definitely the boys

and Hanse has actually great advice for you... or so you thought

“Seungwoo is VERY oblivious. Sadly, you will have to think of a grand gesture, or else he will just think of it of something friendly and platonic. Even if you would surprise him naked on a bed of roses... he would still be confused and not get that you’re in love with him.”

how are you supposed to do this? what kind of gesture is grand enough?

Hanse is no help in coming up with an actual plan, don’t get your hopes up

therefore you just go with the flow and ask yourself “what feels right?”

food is apparently the key to the heart, so you settle on a romantic picnic, at night!

Seungwoo is obviously surprised with how secretive you act and what brings you to the park at night

but when you sit him down and tell him sincerely about your plan and what made you do all of this

he is speechless

mind: blown

he did not see that coming

but after the initial shock has set in, he surprises you with a big smooch

“I love you too. Romantically as in my girlfriend.”

Chan:

he would know

and it wouldn’t be a secret that he knows

you have talked to him about it plenty of times

but when he explained that he doesn’t want a relationship just yet, you understood

putting labels on what you guys have, is making him anxious

he knows he can’t be there like a boyfriend should

so knowing he isn’t your boyfriend, pressured him a lot less

you promised you would wait until he was ready and that’s what you did

sometimes it got really frustrating and you tried to distract yourself by hanging out with Seungsik

he is such calm and gentle guy, not hyper like the rest (minus Hanse)

so most of your days are now spend with the leader, obviously very friendly dates, you are not looking for another guy to mess with your feelings

Chan of course noticed how you hung out more with his member than with him

and suddenly he started to fear losing you

because let’s be real, Seungsik is beautiful and he has a great personality

Chan then looked for Sejun and asked him for advice

he feels stupid - how can he say he isn’t ready for a relationship and then be jealous of you hanging out with other guys?

that is not fair on you at all

“channie! you are in love. we know, i know, everyone knows. why are you like that? go and get your lady, please!”

and although he wanted nothing more than to punch Sejun in the face, he decides to finally make your guys’ relationship official

when you arrive at the dorm, it’s show time

“Hey... I don’t wanna beat around the bush... I’m ready.”

“Ready for?”

“Ready to be your boyfriend.”

“What if I’m not ready to be your girlfriend?”

“Don’t mess with my feelings.”

“Joke, let’s make out.”

“I already regret it.... but hey, I love you.”

Sejun:

soooo you guys are a very special pair of friends

you guys have been inseparable since birth

but along the way, you guys decided to become friends with benefits

the rule: no catching feelings

and it worked out fine

until you kinda developed a small tiny crush on the beautiful man

but obviously this is a secret - you don’t want this arrangement to end

Sejun has also developed feelings but obviously you are not aware of that either

both of you are quite oblivious 

due to your guys’ arrangement, you never got your hopes up

but although Sejun fulfilled your needs, you still craved for love

and Chan was seemingly offering you that kind of love

you aren’t sure about that yet, but he has asked you out on a coffee run (date)

when Sejun found out, he was furious

because yes, you aren’t his girlfriend and no one knows you guys are sleeping with each other...

BUT how dare Chan make a move on his bestie?

and love of his life... tf?

after your date with Chan, which was so beautiful

you got a message from Sejun

typical booty call

kinda sad and hurt, you still walk towards the boys’ dorm

Chan is quite surprised to see you yet again but doesn’t ask too many questions

Sejun is already in his room, more than ready to get right into the chill part of netflix and chill

this time it feels different though

as if he is more caring

he handles you a lot gentler than usual

and is constantly asking if you’re okay

not that he usually isn’t caring but he is not as aware of your feelings during the process

after you guys are finished, he pulls you super close

also very unusual

after a while just cuddling, he finally speaks up

“I think I’m ready.”

“For what?”

“To go a step further.”

“... you wanna try anal?”

“WHAT?! NO!!! I wanna date you, you dumb idiot.”

“Okay, works fine by me. I wanna date you too.”

“Great, now shut up and kiss me.”

Hanse:

he is so in love with you

absolutely head over heels in love

but he does not dare to say a word

to him, he is bad news and you definitely deserve better than him

but that’s bullshit cause Hanse is god-like

his confidence hits an all time low when it comes to you

with you it’s different

when he is with you he feels loved, he loves himself and he just enjoys your presence

Hanse knows whenever he hangs out with you, there is no judgement and he can be himself

so obviously he is in love with you, how could he not?

but there was Sejun, the attractive hulk

Hanse loves his friend but the way you look at him and how you always seem to hag out with him, makes Hanse feel sick

he isn’t one to be jealous though

you deserve all the love and happiness

even if he isn’t the reason for it

for you, Hanse was never more than a friend

but nowadays, the way he carries himself, you do kinda feel attracted towards him

and as Sejun is a naturally flirty guy, you go to him and ask him if he has noticed anything different about Hanse and how you can try and steal his heart

unfortunately Hanse overhears your conversation

and let me tell you

HE IS SO HAPPY

he can’t get rid of the smile on his face

but he doesn’t say anything and walks to his room, happily swinging his hips

after your talk with Sejun, you decide to go home but not before saying by to Hanse

as you walk into his room, he immediately pulls you into a tight hug

“I love you so much. I heard everything you said to Sejun and I can’t even put into words how happy I am. I love you, so fucking much, please let me be your boyfriend.”

“I want nothing more than for you to be my boyfriend. I love you too Hanse.”

Byungchan:

i feel like it’s a regular occurrence for you guys to prank each other

so obviously when you tell him you love him more than a friend, he bursts out laughing and asks you where you hid your camera

this is obviously very frustrating

how on earth are you supposed to tell him about your feelings in a serious setting, when nothing you guys ever do is serious?

after various tries, you decide to give up 

you cannot waste your time when he clearly isn’t that interested in you

so you distance yourself and spend more time with Subin

Subin is quite the opposite of Byungchan

he is way calmer and more relaxed than your best friend

it’s a nice change

Byungchan notices how you start watching YouTube videos with Subin instead of him

which he doesn’t care about at first, cause you are allowed to have other friends too!

but when all you ever do is hanging out with baby Subin... he feels horrible

and he gets mad

and he acts on impulse

he is usually very peaceful an solves arguments ina calm manner

but when he sees Subin, he immediately starts to accuse the boy of stealing you from him

Subin is take aback at first but then turns furious as well cause he is well aware of your feelings for the lanky giant

“If you weren’t an idiot that constantly reject her, you wouldn’t need to cause such drama!”

“What do you mean? I am not rejecting her?”

“But you are! She is so in love with you and all you ever do is laugh in her face! Imagine how she feels.”

Byungchan is shook

so he immediately calls you and arranges a meeting

all this time you confessed you were actually serious?

he feels so horrible

he never meant to put you through all of this

before you can even greet him, he smashes his lips against yours and kisses you as if his life depended on it

“Woah, what was that channie?”

“I love you. And I know you love me too. I’m so sorry it took me so long to realise!”

“I love you too. I’m so glad you finally know.”

Subin:

i’m so soft for Subin

he is such a cutie

he is very young, so I think he might not really know that he is feeling butterflies in his stomach and not just the food he is digesting 

telling his hyungs about how he feels weird around you nowadays and them being like: our baby is in love!, has him confused

is he really in love?

you bet he googles his “symptoms” to see, what the internet says about all of this

and good news: all the sites tell him, he is indeed in love (with some expectations but he trusts his hyungs)

but how is he supposed to tell you?

to him you are this unreachable goddess he will never be good enough for

he is a baby, there are more mature guys out there that are far better for you than him

especially Chan

he is also your friend, you guys get along so well

and while Subin is happy you love his friends as much as he does

it breaks his heart little by little every time he sees you with his favorite hyung

little does he know that Chan knows how in love he is with you

it’s not like Sbin tries to be subtle at all

but you are so focused on your friendship, you don’t realise all the little things

so one day Chan sits you down and asks you a bunch of stupid questions

“Don’t you think our Subinie is super sexy nowadays?”

“He is definitely boyfriend material.”

“I would love you two to date!”

Subin walks into the dorm and overhears you guys

he is so embarrassed 

so he storms in and drags you into his room with no words spoken

“what was this all about?”

you ask confused

“I think I might be in love with you.”

Subin stutters, cheeks and ears tinted red

you smile softly and press a sweet kiss to his pouty lips

“good thing i might be in love with you too.”

“WHAT?! FOR REAL?”

“yes... so what do you say? should we date?”

“uhm... I would love to! Yes!”

[angelthebedsheet]

my fav boys with slick black s/o pt 1?

a/n: im losing inspiration for my current requests and i’m not feeling good mentally or physically. my mood has been down the whole week and it’s messing with my school work so that’s also putting me in a sad mood. but im also in the mood for some fightin words so i’ll use my comfort boys. this may be corny but hey it works for me and this is my blog ❤️

lets get it

—————————————————————————-

Bakugo Katsuki

bro you MATCH his ENERGY so well with your clapbacks

tbh... bakugo’s clapbacks are just trash

he got the aggression but cmon now

tf is “shitty extra”

boy if you dont sit ya ass down

he LOVES your clapbacks tho

them shits be making him lose his mind

any slick shit you say he eats that UP

one time monoma was talking too much shit and you just

“nigga if you dont sit yo ass tf down fore i snatch yo forehead tf off”

safe to say bakugo busted out laughing

you were ready to post up

he lives for when you be roasting ppl under ya breath

what he doesnt like is when you roast him

bc you can and will read a bitch no hesitation

he really thought he was special....

aint shit sweet come get these roasts nigga

“boy if you dont take them damn pants off. shits look like hammer pants. cant touch this headass”

yall know how i have desiree roasting him?

that’s exactly how it be

you got a sharp ass tongue and will use it against anyone

let someone get both of yall pissed off together???

straight up verbal abuse at that point

file a complaint bc you and bakugo def made someone cry before

i think the class lwk hates you bc you helped bakugo’s clapbacks get better

which is bad for them

yall rmb those roasting vids where they go mmm after each one?

thats bakugo in the back

“big body headass”

“mm”

“dumpster truck headass”

“mm”

typa shit

he’ll hype it up too much

Todoroki Shouto

you think this man dont talk shit himself????

bro he can and will read a bitch RIGHT TO THEIR FACE TOO

he want all the SMOKE

yall together??? im sorry to whoever pissed yall off lemme plan they funeral

i imagine the way todoroki reads niggas is real sophisticated like he will point out every single insecurity you HAVE without even knowing you that well

no cursing for majority of them

“what shoes you got on?”

KAJDJSKKDKCKDDJ

yall would read bitches together but like this

“shou it’s the lifting acrylics for me”

“it’s the dusty wig for me, love”

“its the disconnecting wig for me”

“its the cakey makeup for me”

painful for them

i think he can do rapid fire roasts as soon as someone tries to start shit with you

“i know you’re not coming for my s/o. it’s the talking shoes, it’s the bootleg supreme shirt, it’s the fake chain, it’s the brittle hair”

he gets real disrespectful and wont care who it is

unless it’s your friends or family then he’ll dial it back a lil bit

if you start roasting endeavor????

my mans might be on his way to the jewelers

“try this ring on. i wanna see if it can fit you”

he finna spouse you up (spouse IS gender neutral innit?)

unrelated but todoroki is a hottie and will “ah 😜 mwah 💋” everytime and you might have a video of him losing his mind girls in the hood LMAOOOOO

Killua Zoldyck

now this boy.... cant roast for SHIT

yeah he’s a lil brat and can get mean and petty

but he cannot compare to you

this nigga’s a whole trained assassin but cant kill niggas with his words that well

🤡🤡🤡

i think the meanest thing he’s said is call you “a stupid fuckin idiot”

to which you responded with

“shut the fuck up, mushroom built ass bitch. body built like a smurf. hair lookin like hairballs cats cough up. dont get loud lil boy”

killua respectfully sat down and scratched his head

no cap that shit lwk hurt but he gonna pretend like it didnt

he dont even know what the fuck a SMURF IS

he just know that it hurt

lwk thought that was your nen

the ability to manipulate emotions into irritation or anger or some shit

like no baby they just good at roasting bitches

after a while he starts to hype you up in the back

“how you FEELLLLL”

“OOOOH BURNNNN”

“SHIT GOTTA HURT DONT IT BITCHBABY?”

eventually he learns how to roast and clapback then it’s over

the sass meter is overboard

like you might have to knock him a couple notches down

swear to god this boy uses clapbacks on leorio just to piss him off

one time leorio was telling killua to do sumn he just

“oh you must want me with the way you keep gobbling on my fuckin nuts i will do it soon relax”

you damn near BEHEADED this boy with how hard you slapped the back of his head

like it was funny but leorio wouldve JUMPED YOU

Kamado Tanjiro

OUT OF ALL OF THEM HE DOESNT WANT THAT

listen he likes to be the peacemaker

but with your clapbacks they’re enough to make zenitsu wanna post up

like you read him a lil too much

“THATS HOW YOU FEEL Y/N-CHAN? ALRIGHT”

cue tanjiro rapidly apologizing while dragging you away

the first time you roasted the absolute shit outta inosuke he had to sit down

he didnt even know what the majority of the shit you said meant

same with killua all he knew was that shit kinda hurt

tanjiro be TIRED of yall

“y/n can you PLEASE relax”

“NAH HE WANNA GET LOUD WITH ME”

“HE BREATHED”

“AND IT WAS AN AGGRESSIVE BREATH”

of course you know your limits

there’s no way you’re gonna get tanjiro to roast people

but this one time you heard him clapback by accident

“you heard me loud and clear, sir. dont act like you couldnt hear me correctly.”

like oop?

i felt a lil HEAT

aint no where near burned but for tanjiro??? good e fucking nough

dont act like he dont say some lil slick shit on the dl

this man got pent up aggression fym

tho you do be making him laugh

esp in battle if you just start reading a demon

he cant help but snicker

baby loves the way you talk and wouldnt have it any other way

if you roast him he will just go

“oh okay 🙂”

he doesnt know how to respond to that

if you roasting someone who deserves it nezuko will be your hype girl bc tanjiro’s busy trying to de-escalate the situation 💀💀💀

“and thats why yo grandma got a busted funeral”

“MMPH!”

“Y/N NO STOP THATS SO RUDE IM SO SORRY FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR THEY DONT MEAN IT”

“YES TF I DO”

“y/n shut up NO THEY DONT SORRY”

before dragging you away

jfc you’re like verbally feral

Nishinoya Yuu

your personal hypeman

will respectfully allow you to roast people

cant roast to save his life either

“you tell em!”

“yuh!”

“mhm”

“bitch”

hopping around n shit LMAOAOAOAOAO

you got that shit

someone irritating him?

“y/n.... baby.”

“alright who is it?”

“tsukishima”

“aight bet. AYE BITCH”

legend has it tsukishima is still recovering from those third degree burns

do not roast him this man will run away he values his life

“oh you must be ready to attend this barbecue”

(love that guy)

“IM VEGAN” liar

and DIPS

nigga will 100% ROLLINGGGGGG THUNDAAAAAAA tf up outta there

he can clapback and that’s the most he’ll do

he do be saying slick shit bc i hc him as someone who want all the smoke

ride or DIE

on they ass

(struggling to come up with clapbacks w/o anything to clapback to 💀💀💀)

(been cryinf over rengoku and hw my brain is mush)

“GO OFF Y/N TALK YOUR SHIT YOUR MAJESTY”

NIGGAS A CLOWN ✋🏽😭

thats all for this one folks lmao

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The Bank Shot Job

leverage 1.05

I decided I’m also going to start highlighting meta material in these posts for reference reasons (like for fics, headcanons, meta, etc)

I’m colorcoading by what character the meta pertains to btw

Clerk: Hello, Judge Roy.

Judge Roy: [slaps her ass] Hey, sweetheart.

Frank: Can I help you, your honor?

Judge Roy: Yes, Fred. Her phone number?

Frank: It's Frank. And she's 19, sir.

Judge Roy: That's too bad. She got a younger sister

diSgUsTiNG

- - - - -

Hardison: No. No more. We gotta talk to Nate. No more rip deals. They take too damn long.

Parker (ripping paper): That's why they're called "Rip Deals". You have to convince them they're getting a deal before you can rip them off.

Hardison: Two weeks. Two weeks sleeping in crappy hotels. Two weeks eating in crappy diners. Two weeks having my soul sucked dry. It's 107 degrees. Who lives where it's 107 degrees?

Parker: Juan's not so bad. I kinda like this town

I wanna see that domestic shit of them sharing hotel rooms and eating the continental breakfasts and dingy diners and everything about them living in rundown hotels for two weeks

- - - - -

Hardison: You know, I had to retask two satellites just to get a lousy internet connection. Took more than an hour to torrent the last episode of Doctor Who.

Parker: Hey! Illegal downloading's wrong. (lights paper on fire in trash can)

that’s it. that’s their relationship.

- - - - -

Hardison: How we coming on the breakdown?

Eliot (loading truck elsewhere): Fake addresses are shut down. Post office boxes are closed. The phones are cleared. Five more minutes, we never existed

bruh those props ??? I wish I had a screenshot but wtf where they DOING for the con ???

- - - - -

Hardison: Want me to call the Delgado family, tell them the news?

Eliot: Nah. Soon as I clear county line I want to do it. I just wish we could do more than bankrupt that corrupt son of a bitch

eliot is so good you guys im-

- - - - -

Nate: Get out. Now.

Hardison: Is he talking to us?

Parker: An unmarked van parked across the street from a bank that's being robbed? Yeah. I think he's talking to us.

Hardison: Yeah, well, five more feet and he would have been in the clear. What the hell was he thinking?

Parker: Don't be an idiot, Hardison.

Hardison: What?

Parker: Sophie was still in there

parker knows nate loves sophie and would never leave her behind because she may not always get people, but even she can see how much nate cares for sophie

- - - - -

Derrick: Everyone empty your pockets. Wallets, purses, watches, everything you've got, throw it over here.

(everyone throwing stuff to center of floor)

nate threw his fucking toothpick

- - - - -

Deputy Arnold: No, right here, right here, and we need ...

(Eliot crosses police line)

Deputy Arnold: Whoa, whoa, I need you to take a step back, sir.

Eliot: Tell me what's going on in there.

Deputy Arnold: I'm afraid I can't do that, this is an active crime scene, and you need to ...

Eliot: (to cop) I'm not talking to you. (to Nate) How many are there?

Nate: Yeah, you're right. Clearly amateurs, these two. Yeah. The younger one, looks like he's never handled a gun before.

Eliot: Is judge blow-hard next to you?

Nate: Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, definitely amateurs, That's what makes them so dangerous.

Eliot: Alright, 2 guys, both armed, neither one a criminal mastermind. You want me in there?

Deputy Arnold: Sir, we can't have you going inside the bank ...

Nate: Probably, uh, a good idea just to sit tight, don't you think? You know, and see where these guys' heads are

at, you know?

Eliot (backing away): Alright, your call boss.

Deputy Arnold: Thank you

poor deputy arnold + eliot being done with local law enforcement

- - - - -

Sophie: Okay. So what is the plan, Stan

“what’s the plan, stan” adorable.

- - - - -

(Eliot leans against a building across the street and watches Hardison and Parker pull up in a sedan)

Eliot: Nice ride.

Parker (taking notebook and removing badges): It's embarrassing. Everyone knows you don't rob a bank without an exit strategy. These two deserve to get caught. 42 seconds. (tosses notebook back to Eliot)

Hardison: What?

Parker: To rob this bank. One security guard who has never fired his gun before, 2 closed-circiut cameras outside, 1 inside, and a Glen-Reader safe built in the 50's whose default combination is the birth date of the manager's wife! Get in, get out, 42 seconds.

Hardison: Seriously

parker was so angry that she chucked the binder at eliot and he was like ??? we good ???

- - - - -

Hardison: Seriously? (to Bill) I'm Agent Leonard. This is Agent Elmore. We'll be taking over this crime scene,

Sheriff ...

Bill: Bill Hastings. Nice to meet you. You guys sure are quick, just called this in 20 minutes ago.

Hardison: Well, we were coming back from a little border skirmish. Patrol unit came under attack from a pack of Chupacabras.

Bill: Chupacabras? I thought those things were urban legend.

Hardison: You're adorable

I love it when hardison fucks with people it’s hilarious

- - - - -

Hardison: Whoa, what's going on?

Bill: Cut power to the bank. Standard operating procedure.

Hardison: Standard ... it's standard op ... it's standard? Where do you getting that bull-hockey from son?

Bill: Deputy Arnold, he took a seminar in crisis management last year.

Deputy Arnold: It was an online seminar. We got certificates.

Hardison: Certificates? Magic kits come with certificates. Does that make it cool for kids to saw their parents in half?

Bill: We're just going by the book.

Hardison: The ... the book? The book got a good man killed. I can't ... my blood pressure.

Parker: Ex-partner. Probably shouldn't mention the book again. Or propellers.

parker is doing so well with grifting considering and I’m so proud of her

- - - - -

Sophie: They are not cops, I promise you, they're friends of mine, you can trust them.

Derrick: Why should I trust you? I don't know who you are.

Sophie: I am a thief.

Derrick: Okay, I'm not sure what to do with that.

that’s it guys. that’s the show.

- - - - -

Nate: I didn't say it was going to be easy. But nothing's impossible, especially when you have the world's greatest thief on your payroll. Parker, have you ever robbed a bank that's being robbed?

Parker: There's a first time for everything.

her SMILE YOUR HONOR

- - - - -

Parker: The bank was built before 1980, before computers. Means it's got a larger than normal night deposit chute.

Hardison: 'Cause business had to drop off ledgers with their daily hauls. What, you thought my genius was only limited to ones and zeroes?

Parker: I'm thinking the chute's my way in. Only problem is, it's in the alley on this side of the building

the way she looks at hardison like damn boy you know my stuff

- - - - -

Hardison: I can take care of that, but, we actually have bigger problems.

Eliot: What's that?

Hardison: Well, Sheriff Coltrane over here called the FBI, the real FBI. Now the closes office is in San Diego, so they should be here, in about, um, give it 45 minutes.

Nate: We can't worry about that now.

Hardison: When do we worry about it?

Nate: In about 45 minutes

hardison, internally: lord give me strength

- - - - -

Hardison: Hold on ... Excuse me. (answers phone) Agent Leonard. We will do whatever you need us to do, just please, don't hurt anybody. Okay. (hangs up) Guys ... Boys, boys, come on, gather 'round. Now boys, that was THE call. The call we were waiting for. Now look, they have a list of demands. First off, they want 12 large pizzas. One cheese, one Hawaiian, extra pineapple. Two pepperoni and black olives, two meat lover's, t ... Seriously? Nobody's writing this down? Seriously? One triple-shot half-caf vanilla latte, tall,

(Parker goes down alley and opens deposit drop box)

Hardison: …three of the latest copies of the Hall and Oates CD. I know, right? Exciting stuff I didn't know they were coming out with a new one either. We're gonna need steaks. Steaks and a grill. They're trying to tailgate. Okay, they need your overalls, I don't know why. They need some kibbles n' bits, we need an Etch-A-Sketch, somebody in there likes to squiggle okay ... Are we good? Let's go people. Everybody. I need you guys moving. Everybody get out. Go. (hardison points at an officer) You stay. We need to talk about Hall & Oates.

I fucking loved this monologue,,, hardison is VERY GOOD at improvising

- - - - -

(Derrick opens night deposit box)

Parker: Hi.

Derrick (hands her the briefcase): There's a lot of money in there.

Parker: Yeah, I know.

Derrick: My wife's life depends on that money getting where it needs to go.

Parker: I understand. Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get

parker’s face softened and you can see that she understood. parker didn’t get people in the beginning of the show, and sure her values and ideas aren’t typical, but she was ALWAYS a good person. she cared and understood what was at risk and she consoled him.

also, this is yet another piece of evidence that parker was the main character all along!!! I’m not gonna go super into it because there are already posts out there about it, but she had three (3) episodes dedicated to her character in season one alone AND had her say what is basically the mission statement of the show here in this scene

- - - - -

Sophie: Things could be worse.

Nate: Worse than me getting shot and you blowing our cover?

Sophie: No, no, you're not gonna lay that crap on me. We wouldn't even be in this mess if you'd just walked out with the cash when you had the chance. I would've been fine.

Nate: I know.

Sophie: Yeah, I can take care of myself. I've been doing it a long time. Since way before I met you. I'm just saying.

Nate: Yeah, you're right.

Sophie: Okay

nate knows sophie is a strong independent woman and that is one of the only things I stan about him lol

- - - - -

Sophie: We lost communication.

Nate: Yeah, we did.

Sophie: Hardison, Parker, and Eliot ...

Nate: That's right, they are on their own. Yup.

they ended up doing great on their own, but also, can we acknowledge what a glow up it was building up to the rundown job ???

- - - - -

(Mom gets out of truck and tries to run)

Meth #2: Where the hell you think you're going, old lady? (pulls mom back) Where the hell you think you're g ...

Eliot (catches Meth #2’s arm): Hey, what smells like crank and screams like a girl? (Takes his gun and breaks his knee)

Meth #2: AAHH!

Eliot (kicks car door closed before Meth #3 can get out, empties the bullets from gun): That's the right answer. (throws gun into car at #3, hits #1 as he approaches) Come on. (fights #1, kicks door shut, beats #1 more, kicks door again) Stay in the car. (beats the hell out of #3 and #1, kneels down near mom and removes her gag)

Mom: Who are you?

Eliot: Well ma'am, we'd be the cavalry.

this entire fight scene always has me ROLLING it’s so funny

also I’m not sure if this should go on the List Of Non-Weapon Objects Eliot Uses As Weapons but eliot DID use the car door in the fight

- - - - -

Sophie: Just let the paramedics take him. The rest of us will stay.

Judge Roy: And give up my leverage

*sophie and nate look at each other*

both, internally: tHATS OUR WORD

- - - - -

Nate: Hey, listen. She's gonna be alright. Everything's gonna be alright

Derrick: Your people ... they're good?

Nate: Yeah. The best.

nate’s smile when he says that??? proud dad alert

- - - - -

Sophie (looking at replay of tape): You're still a geek.

Judge Roy: They're trying to ruin me.

Hardison: Geek power, baby. Stay strong!

in other words: age of the geek, baby

also- kudos to 2008 hardison editing video like that. I can’t do that shit with today’s tech lmao

- - - - -

Bill: Go home now. Bank robbers are in custody, hostages are safe. FBI's got the whole thing wrapped up.

Taggert: Do you have any idea what?

Mcsweeten: Just go with it.

Deputy Arnold: Mr. FBI guys, can you help me here?

Bill: My, my. Look at this. Our local drug boys, both with outstanding warrants. It's incredible.

Taggert: Damn, we're good!

mcsweeten and taggert stumbling onto the leverage crew’s cons and directly profiting off of them is iconic. they have no idea. too pure for this world

- - - - -

Sophie: Hey, thanks Parker.

Parker: Whatever.

Sophie: No. It was an excellent performance.

Parker: Yeah, I think I can act okay when I'm yelling at people and bossing them around.

Sophie: Well, it's a good start.

proud mom!sophie + grifting parker

Nate: Listen, we have to make sure we get the cash to the Delgado family. Ow!

Eliot (tending Nate’s wound): Oh! Settle down. You act like you've never been shot before.

Nate (glances at Sophie): So, uh, pizza boxes, huh?

Hardison: Yeah, I know, I know, You could have done better.

Nate: No, no, no. No I couldn't have.

eliot casually stitching up nate’s wound bc no hospitals but also can we talk about how much nate has to trust eliot to literally operate on him

+

nate giving praise to hardison ??? rare af I don’t know her

[powerosewaterpuff]

yo ,i remember a post about sort of reverse batfam , between jason and dick , can you do the headcanons about under the red hood please

yes yes yes yes yes and another yes to top it all off. i really really love the idea, and i love under the red hood in general so thank u so much for suggesting this :) like i spent all day brainstorming (probs shoulda been studying but shhhhh) diff headcanons so i’m pretty excited to write it out. also so the timeline with this is a little tight ig?? i really wanted to include tim as bruce’s new sidekick with dick in the middle of his fallout with bruce but again a lil too tight so we’re just gonna have rebellious dick for now and i also haven’t watched death in the family so i’m basing this purely off of under the red hood :) (oh and fuck dick’s hair in the movie oh my god i’m ignoring that it even exists i’m so sorry)

dick is 17 on the cusp of hitting 18 and he’s so fucking sick of batman. every conversation of theirs was leading to a screaming match where each one tries to push their opinion as fact. it was getting messy and soul crushing at this point, and dick hated it. the rising action of it all was dick getting fired from robin, a role he hadn’t even been formally granted by batman yet he felt it in his power to strip him of it. he felt like a pawn in a chess game that gambled his identity and being off of the mind numbing mantra of be better. do better. faster. punch harder. follow orders. be better be better better. and dick was sick of it, so he shed the robin uniform. swallowing it like a bitter pill because he was forced to do so. but nightwing was giving him clarity as of late. the sheer rush, brilliance and exuberance of it all reminded him of when flying was a much simpler task.

however, dick had an annoyingly unwavering loyalty to protecting bruce’s (less batman then bruce. bruce was his father. batman was not. yet nowadays the man himself was forgetting who exactly was the secret identity and who the real person was.) safety and well-being, even if it meant risking another shouting round. so, once dick catches wind of batman’s whereabouts for the night, he decides to help him with Amazo etc., and dick cant help but realize how well they still mesh together when it comes to fighting. the talking part however, did not come naturally anymore. (it used to. it used to be so much easier)

now bruce, is attempting his best to keep dick out of the loop. he knows dick will furious. and dick’s temper is something not many can tame, but bruce would take the risk. he’d rather dick spit on his memory then be dead in his arms (just like jason was, blown to bits when he should’ve been in his room. safe. sleeping after studying for some test not fighting crime with him in the underbelly of Gotham city, or getting dragged along bruce’s self induced fight with the world.)

dick, of course, does not appreciate this and can very easily tell the bruce is trying to get him off the case. dick doesn’t appreciate that in the slightest, and it only makes him want to push more. to fight bruce on every detail and demand he be apart of this because that’s the only way he can get anywhere with him. it was fair to say, that the interrogation with the joker he had to force bruce into taking him too, wasn’t exactly pleasant. he watches, leaning back against the wall as batman has joker by the neck. some part of him hates himself for not being upset about this, like he’s failing his moral code in some way. but he ignores that half, and tries not to feel angry as bruce doesn’t choke joker out like the rat he is. dick wished, in the darkest parts of his mind, that he could burn joker alive, just to watch in vengeful satisfaction that the man who stole his brothers breath wither in pain. ( and watch that fucking laugh die out)

now, the confrontation goes quite similar. except dick is noticing these little things that resemble jason too much it be a coincidence. too much. he knows how jason fights, he’s sparred with him for years and used to spend countless nights in his room trying to emulate his older brothers swift and hard hitting movements in front of his mirror. he always wished he could hit as hard as jason, as dicks strength at the time was his inhuman flexiblity and professional acrobatic skills. now, when he and batman are against the red hood, fuck it doesn’t feel right to dick. it’s all too similar. it wasn’t even the bigger moves that caught his attention but the little moves in stance that screamed at him that it was his brother. he kept shutting the idea down, because if it was possible dick would have made it happen. he would’ve.

dick gets hurt in the aftermath, but bruce must be a fucking comedian if he thinks it’s going to stop him. they get into another argument, bruce talking him down to nothing and dick frustrated that bruce couldn’t see that he’s been doing this for too long to be lectured on it, and that bruce wasn’t atlas. he wasn’t responsible for the world being held up between his two hands. it simmers down to loud silence, like it always does and dick hobbles out. leaning slightly on alfred.

bruce’s hunch is eating him alive. devouring his soul and heart with a satisfying crunch, not sparing crumb. with the revelation that his son could be alive, and the Red Hood of all people, one of the first thoughts that run through his mind is that he could not tell dick. dick could never know, and will never know. it was a hushed promise, one kept inside his chest, locked like all of his unspoken words. it would crush dick, just like it was crushing bruce now. (or maybe it was because if bruce was on the fence about breaking his moral agenda, he knows that dick would hurdle over that fence. he hates that he knows this but he does. dick wears a bleeding heart on his sleeve for his family, especially for jason. this is the same boy that was set on killing zucco all those years ago before jason and him had stopped it.)

(jason’s tasting bitter green as he mulls over why the fuck dick was there. that little idiot was supposed to be at home. safe. not carrying out bruce’s destructive agenda of self proclaimed justice. he didn’t know whether to be mad at bruce or dick. because of course bruce encouraged this shit, eager to force another child soldier into the suit and send him out to die. but God, did it hurt that dick had taken bruce’s side over his even if he didn’t know it was jason. and that stung like a motherfucker. his little brother, whose fond memories were becoming hazed in a cloud of viridecent smoke, had picked bruce’s side. a little part of himself though, shy and hesitant, whispered that he had hurt dick. he had hurt his little brother and he couldn’t justify it no matter how vengeful he was. but he shoved that part aside, trying to ignore its desperate murmurs as they told him that every time he looked at nightwing or whatever the fuck his new name was, he saw his eight year old little brother smiling up at him).

dick knows that bruce thinks he’s covering his tracks well. he is but dick knows bruce, better then bruce thinks he does. so dick is slowly beginning to formulate a hunch of his own, as he spends countless nights rubbing his formerly injured leg and wondering if he really did everything he could’ve to save jason. if there was something he missed. it’s starting to gnaw away at him, until realization settles into his chest after snooping through bruce’s files. then, he’s dashing to get into uniform, giving a breathless and hasty apology to alfred. itsjasonitsjasonitsjasongogogorunrunrun

batman. red hood. bruce. jason. father. son. bruce cannot stomach the vigor in jason’s words and jason’s heart is giving out at the fact that his father won’t do this for him. to end that pathetic excuse of a fucking life, one that’s stolen from so many people, but it still wasn’t up to his moral standards limit. was jason not enough to warrant a sacrifice for the greater good. (was jason’s desperate need to feel safe of that walking nightmare not worthy to overtake any mission)

it happens in a rush. dick is swinging up to the building, the blood pumping through his ears drowning out the screams of his chest. the joker tackles batman as the timer tick tick tick’s away numbingly. suddenly, dick has kicked the joker off and has one hand over his neck while the other smothers itself over his mouth and nose. why didn’t he do this before? why didn’t he kill the thing before? it didn’t even deserve to be called human, so why would any moral standards apply to a human based code. if batman wanted to be the whole representer of pure justice, fine. he could do that. dick wasn’t though. he was going this kill piece of shit then never let go of jason as long as he lived.

suddenly, there’s a pull at the back of dick’s uniform and at the corner of his eye he catches sight of jason being pulled by bruce as well and he’s just about to call out for him when the next thing he knows a blast rockets through his ears and the world goes black.

jason was no where to be found. and bruce ends up having to shove dick into the batmobile before he lunged after the joker, after realizing jason was missing and that the joker was still alive and kicking. the argument that insues? isn’t pretty. in fact it’s their worst. dick had spun around and asked bruce, ‘who are you? batman or bruce? because im not talking to batman, i want to hear why bruce couldn’t do the one thing his son needed! i want to know why bruce thought it was going to be beneficial not to fucking tell me that my brother-Bruce, he’s my brother! that he was alive, because you thought I was gonna pull shit like this? look at that! the exact thing you tried to avoid happened, you know why? because you cannot trust me, and it blew up in your face!’

it goes on. and on. and on. there’s no resolution, or admittance to what happened. bruce simply shuts himself down, stating this wasn’t changing anything. there was a then and a now, one in which bruce harbours enough guilt to crush his shoulders.

there’s a stony resolution in dick’s voice after bruce tells him to get out with more finality to it then he’s ever said it before, when he says, “fine. batman.”

(jason replays it over and over again in his head. the batarang. bruce turning his back to him. the jokers screechy laugh eating at his mind. eruptions of pain from the crowbar. again. again. again. and dick. smothering the joker. a steely resolve in his brothers eyes he never wanted to see but was secretly glad for. it replays like a broken film in his head, cutting and chopping but creaking out the same tune.)

AHHH OK SO i def wanted to do so much more with this ugh but i really wanted it done td so excuse just how unpolished it is, i might go back with some new ideas in it, but i like where i ended it off. this is more or less the ‘detachment’ phase in dick’s relationship with bruce, as hes nearing the end of high school and cannot do this with bruce anymore (oh college is a whooole other ordeal hehe) but i think dick would be better to tim then what he canonically was to jason. (also because dick is totally not on a mission to get his brother back at all costs and fix this family, nope. not at all.), and i think dick just has a lot more anger in this too? and bitterness here ig? just because he had lost his parents, then his brother essentially, and had to deal with being the emotional support to bruce who was falling apart. it’s a heavy load, and dick is absolutely still himself, just when it comes to jason and the joker as well as his family in general, i think he has a lot more anger as well as less control yk? (oh also i have him less in blüdhaven in this lil thing just bc like he’s still in highschool and is in this weird phase with bruce that hes fired etc., but is now yk fully going into the, ‘i’m not speaking to you anymore’ part. SOO THATS IT FOR THAT THANK YALL SO SOOOO MUCH FOR READING UR KINDA ALL THE BEST TBH AND TYSM FOR THE SUGGESTION AGAIN THIS WAS HELLA FUN :)!!

[lustinglilac]

Heart to Heart

A/N: In which Pope’s sister goes on a terrible date and finds herself at Benny’s doorstep minutes later...

Warnings: none, Benny being soft??? 

Pope had always been protective of his sister; she was younger than him, though not by much, she was beautiful, and she had a charming personality. It was hard not to love her, and that’s what made Pope’s job as an older brother much harder.

He let her have her own space and her own life, of course, but he always kept a watchful eye out for the few men she dated. Tonight was another one of those nights where he watched her frantically get ready for yet another night out.

“Tiago— don’t look at me like that.” She huffed, catching his stare in the mirror as she put on her earrings and checked her lipstick.

“You already know I don’t like the guy, he doesn’t really have a great reputation.” Pope speaks lowly, following her out of her bedroom, handing her her coat.

“Because he beat you in pool that one time?” She raised an eyebrow at his offended expression. “Give him a chance, he’s not as bad as you think.“

Sighing loudly, he agreed to drive her down to the restaurant they’d be meeting at. Pope didn’t understand why her date couldn’t just pick her up but if he was being honest, he’d rather make sure she got there safe himself.

She looked out the window, a familiar house catching her eye, “Hey! Isn’t that Benny and Will’s place?” She pointed to the house on the corner and sure enough it was.

“Yeah, they don’t live too far from here.” Pope answered her, making one final turn at the corner. “Well, here you are. Call me if you need anything. Anything at all.” Pope leaned over to kiss her on the cheek as she returned the favor, squeezing his hand assuringly. She stepped out into the breezy night, fixing her hair and texting her date that she’d arrived. She settled into the booth and waited, glossing over the menu.

He responded eventually... about fifty minutes later. She sat by herself in the booth as the waitress refilled her water for the third time.

“How are you finding everything, miss?” She didn’t miss the waitress’ sympathetic tone as she stared up at her with an unreadable expression.

“He’ll be here soon.” She tried to reassure herself more at this point rather than the waitress who was getting just as angsty that she didn’t have customers to serve.

“Hey— sorry I’m late! I’m here!” A gust of wind followed his arrival as he whirled past the waitress and slid into the booth across from her.

She couldn’t look him in the eye, clenching her jaw, “Where were you?” She spoke cautiously, looking at him through her lashes.

“Takin’ care of some business, babe, relax. I’m here now, right?” He smiled, completely shrugging her off and taking a sip of water.

Her eyes caught sight of the faded lipstick mark on his neck just below the collar of his shirt, his usually neatly styled hair had been tousled like he’d just gotten out of bed, it clicked in her head that he’d definitely been taking care of business inside of someone else’s bed right before their date.

“I think I’m gonna go—“ She maneuvered her body out of the booth but not before throwing a stack of tissues at his face, “Might wanna wipe the lipstick off your neck.” She spat, storming out of the restaurant, all eyes on her and the man who’d turned out to be just what her brother said he was.

He didn’t bother running after her, he knew he’d screwed up. He sat frozen in the booth, slamming his hand down on the table out of frustration.

Tears blurred her vision as her legs picked up speed; she was headed for the only safe place on the corner of the street, Benny’s house. She contemplated on calling Pope but she knew he’d freak out like always. She didn’t wanna hear it from him, not right now at least.

Benny was inside, lounging on the couch, screaming profanities at his TV as he watched yet another MMA match for the hundredth time that week.

She’d made it to his door, ringing the bell twice, Benny muting the TV and getting up to answer. The last thing he expected was to have his heart broken that night at the site of the younger Garcia crying on his doorstep.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Where’s Pope? Is Pope okay?” She was bombarded by a series of questions upon entering, to which she merely shook her head.

“No, Benny— I was on a date and it wasn’t going well so I didn’t wanna call Santiago and—“ She clung onto his t-shirt, barely containing her tears at this point.

His arm wrapped around her, holding her close to him as he rubbed comforting circles onto her back, “You’re okay.” He spoke softly into her hair.

Will had heard the bell and opened his bedroom door, “Yo Benny, who is it?” His voice bellowed.

“Nobody!” Benny’s chest rumbled against her temple as she sobbed quietly, trying to not alert the older Miller. Benny rested his chin on top of her head, standing there for a moment in the doorway.

“This is s-so stupid.” She sniffled and let go of him for a second to wipe the tears off of her cheeks, “And I got makeup on your shirt.” She whispered, face to face with his mascara stained t-shirt.

“Don’t say that. It’s not stupid, you did the right thing.” Benny assured her, placing a finger under her chin to tilt her head up to meet his blue eyes.

She looked so vulnerable, so different, not like her usual self with the teasing glint in her eye whenever she’d insult him jokingly.

“Come on, let’s go sit.” He slowly led her to the couch he’d been sitting on minutes ago, TV completely abandoned as he had bigger issues facing him right now. He wanted nothing more than to find the asshole who’d dare to even look at her the wrong way and beat him to a pulp.

She sat on the plush couch, toeing off her boots, tucking her legs under her and grabbing the nearest pillow hugging it to her chest, “I can’t tell Tiago.” It dawned on her that he was right after all, the guy had been a lowlife and had no intention of going steady with her.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t but, you kinda should. I get it, he overreacts. He’s your older brother, I mean, shit happens.” Benny sat facing her, carefully listening and replying to what she had to say.

She huffed, “Okay, just— just give me a minute. I don’t want him to know I was crying.”

Benny would be right next to her as she spoke to her brother, he could hear Pope trying to keep a level head on the other end as the broken hearted girl sitting next to him tried not to cry all over again.

“I’ll be there soon— don’t go anywhere.” Pope’s muffled voice spoke as she opened her mouth to reply.

“Tell him I can drive you home. If you want.” Benny offered silently, gesturing for her to continue.

“Benny said he could drop me off if that’s okay with you?” She toyed with a loose thread on the pillow, awaiting his answer.

Pope sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose on his end, “Fine. Sure. Don’t be out too late.” He commanded.

“I won’t, I’ll be home soon. I love you?” It came out as more of a question than a statement.

“Te quiero.” Pope breathed out, hanging up the phone after she had nothing to respond with.

Benny nudged her softly, “See? Wasn’t so bad.” He smiled, hoping she would smile back at him to at least let him know she was okay.

“Benny, you don’t have to drive me—

“I want to.” Benny didn’t let her have a say in it as he got up wordlessly and grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge.

A moment of silence passes them by as she takes a sip of her water, “Do you wanna talk about it?” His voice wavering as he asked her, unsure of what her response would be.

“Sure, let’s talk about the fact that I’m an idiot who couldn’t see what everyone else was talking about when I started having feelings for the guy.”

“Well when you put it like that—“ Benny gulped, the guy must’ve really fucked up. Like real bad.

“He showed up late with a lipstick stain on the side of his neck and his hair in thirty different directions.” She recalled the moment she’d seen her douchebag of a date failing to make up excuses as to where he had been.

“I’m so fucking sorry. You don’t deserve that.” Benny couldn’t believe what he was hearing; his blood was boiling, now he really wanted to fuck him up.

“I can kick his ass if you want me to? I’m pretty good at it.” Benny squared his shoulders, biting his lip. She couldn’t help but let out a giggle at his actions, she found it funny that he would be willing to fight someone for her.

He smiled upon hearing her pleasant laugh, “What! I’m serious. A little right hook and then an uppercut, knock ‘im right out.” He demonstrated the moves to her playfully as she rolled her eyes, sniffling once more.

“Benny, no. It’s not worth it.” She placed a hand on his shoulder to stop his movements, shaking her head in disagreement. He stopped fidgeting, grabbing her knuckle and holding it to his mouth for a hot minute.

She was definitely blushing now, wondering where he was going with this until he spoke again, “You’re worth it. To me, to my brother, to your brother, to Fish. You’re so damn worth it, Garcia.” He rasped against her knuckle, meaning every single word he said.

She was a lucky girl to say the least, she’d been surrounded by men who would show her what it’s really like to be treated properly and she wasn’t going to let some scumbag treat her like shit.

She pulled her hand away slightly when she heard footsteps behind her, Will emerging from his room, “Garcia? You okay? Where’s Pope?”

She couldn’t help but smile at how similar the brothers were, both of them asking the same questions when they’d seen her, “Hey, Will. We were just—“

“We were just heading out— I’m gonna drop her off. Don’t wait up.” Benny stood abruptly, having been caught by his older brother having a heart to heart with Pope’s little sister.

Walking side by side to the driveway, they settled into the big truck quietly, slamming the doors shut and driving off in the direction of her apartment building. After a few minutes in silence, Benny had pulled onto her street, parking his truck and walking her all the way up to her door despite her protests.

Before she knocked to alert her brother that she’d made it, she turned to the blue eyed man towering over her, “Thank you, Benny. You truly deserve the world.” She grinned softly up at him, his cheeks turning slightly red.

“Don’t mention it. Call me whenever you wanna talk, okay?” He leaned down to place a kiss against her soft cheek. The door opened, to reveal Pope standing there, before he could leave.

“Hey man, what’s up?” Benny pulled him into a hug.

“Benny.” Pope nodded his head towards him, stealing a glance at his sister.

“Hi.” Her voice came out smaller than she wanted it to, making Pope’s heart swell slightly. He could never be mad at her, nearly forgetting the situation altogether if it wasn’t for her noticeably red eyes that he knew she’d been crying over that stupid boy.

“I’m gonna get goin’. See you soon, Pope. Have a goodnight.” He smiled softly at the both of them, more so at the younger Garcia, and walked out of the building.

As soon as he was out of sight, she spoke again, “Tiago, you were right—“

He hushed her, pulling her into their apartment and shutting the door behind them, ”I don’t care if I was right, wrong, left, up, down. I don’t care. All that matters is that you’re not hurting, okay?” Santiago nodded his head to make sure she understood, and she did. She was grateful to have a brother like him, and friends like Benny.

“I’ll be okay.” She smiled, hugging his torso tightly considering how much shorter she was than him.

Hugging his sister back just as tightly, Pope cleared his throat, “Did you— did you and Benny kiss by any chance—“

“Santiago! No!” She pulled away from him immediately, mouth wide open, shocked that he would even ask that.

He sighed a breath of relief, “Yes! I fucking knew it. Will owes me twenty bucks.” Pulling out his phone to probably text him right now.

“You guys made a bet? On your siblings kissing? Grow up.” She hit him with her purse, turning to walk to her room, biting the inside of her cheek at the thought and trying to contain her smile.

No they hadn’t kissed but what was said was way better than any kiss she’s ever had, in her opinion.

[pianjeong]

Making it angsty. JJ defects (and by default they break up) and then a few years later he shows up to a White Lotus meeting and sees his ex and it's just the Spiderman pointing meme

oh BOY ANGST PART 2.....im gonna say this is a continuation of this post so some things might make more sense if u read that one first

but. they haven’t seen each other for Years at this point. and people have stopped whispering - well, also bc piandao’s shut himself up in the villa and only comes out to take his swords to market probably - and it’s all very depressing. because on one hand, if jj had just gone on and finished out his navy career he probably would’ve went down in the books as just the admiral and the prodigy which is just not the vibe (that’s the thing he’s sensitive about!). but this way he goes down as the deserter and gets forgotten and like. he just deserves so much better than either of those and piandao just wishes that he could’ve stayed with him. reminded him that he doesn’t need to be any of what people say he is.

idk how long after the desertion that this might happen... but i think at this point piandao’s trying to internalize the fact that those (heady golden) days are over and it’s v likely that he never sees jj again. and then he gets inducted into the white lotus and shows up at a meeting and wait a second that hair looks familiar - oh shit. it’s the spiderman pointing meme......but with feelings.

for one: bitch, you joined a secret society without me? i understand that we have not been speaking and also that we ended up in the same secret society anyway, but STILL. seriously? you could’ve sent a noTE

but for two: are you fuckign kidding me i was just starting to get over you except i really really wasn’t and i already sorta knew i never would but now here you are and i don’t know what to say.

and while piandao is thinking the above jj is in Conflicted Town because seeing him is a reminder of a version of himself that no longer exists and that he has very conflicted feelings about - was relatively happy, and successful, and had at least one person who cared about him, but also had approximately -2 perspective on life as well as the harm he caused to other people. he still feels astronomical levels of guilt for leaving him behind without saying anything but now they’re in the same room again and he can’t quite remember why he hadn’t at least written because that’s still the guy he spent a summer falling in love with and years writing to and now years missing and what is happening.

that first meeting is very awkward for both of them for obvious reasons. they keep kinda Looking at each other across the tent but refuse to engage and everyone else is like ????? and it keeps on being awkward honestly bc they aren’t sure how to act around each other anymore - they’re both convinced that the other one has moved on already and doesn’t want to be the first to initiate. 

the other members pick up on it and one time they scheme to leave them alone in the tent and it is just so gd awkward. and piandao keeps trying to reach out and make small talk or whatever and he gets monosyllables in return. but jj doesn’t break eye contact the entire time and eventually piandao snaps and is like “why are you looking at me like that” bc it’s so much like when jj would just sit and stare at him back when they were together and he would like to not think about that thanks. and jj just keeps looking at him, and doesn’t say a word. until in the smallest voice he just says “i’m sorry.”

and piandao’s just utterly taken aback because what? he’s never know jj to apologize for anything. and like an idiot he’s like “what?”

and jj jumps to his feet (and if he’d still been bending probably would’ve set sth on fire) and goes “i’m fucking sorry, okay? but i had to leave. i was just trying to protect you. you didn’t need to pay for my mistakes.” and there are so many things wrong with that but piandao knows that that’s not what he needs to be saying right now. so once he’s processed he just gets up and goes around the table and hugs him. and says “i forgive you” because he wasn’t angry and now that he knows this is what jj thinks he just wants so much for him to know that piandao doesn’t blame him for it at all. it takes a moment but jj basically collapses on him and it’s part relief and part ‘what do you mean it can’t be that easy’ but maybe there’s still hope. maybe there’s one thing that he hasn’t ruined.

and then. they reconnect. and it’s a long damn road to recovery and jj definitely needs some Therapy (again with me making him so connected to his bending like why did i do that his self hate is real) but piandao is absolutely committed to not pushing him past what he’s ready for and even though he really is still in love with him, they are and always will be friends first and that’s what jj needs right now. jj’s self-aware enough to know that he is not ready for anything past that even though he’s also never really fallen out of love either, but it isn’t awkward between them. it’s just a knowledge that that’s my best friend, and he isn’t going anywhere, and when we’re ready to acknowledge this thing again then we’ll both be here. it’s about the mutual support, and that’s love babey it really is.

[notfckincool]

DIRTY GIRL CHAPTER 7 - LUCKY FUCKIN DAY

NEGAN X ANA (OC)

Ana embarks on a casual but obviously filthy affair with Negan, accidentally falling for the man, knowing he will never love her.

Angst and Kinky fuckery. Its Negan so expect swearing and strong sexual content throughout

CHAPTER 7- LUCKY FUCKIN DAY

NEGAN X ANA(OC)

SUMMARY: Busy life at the Sanctuary and Negan's new 'no shagging on the job' rule, means they've not been together for a while.

WARNING:🔞 swearing, Negan being Negan (ie: an asshole) usual dirty talk, f/f/m, mild humiliation, fingering, voyeurism, pussy spanking, masturbation, oral, facial (gotta be honest, this is pure filth)

It''s a big one, hahaha. I enjoyed writing from Negan's point of view and got a bit carried away.

Negan stands, Lucille nestled on his shoulder, proudly surveying his jubilant saviors on their return home.

The Sanctuary....His castle....The community HE built, from the shit storm of epic proportions, that left the remainder of the human race fighting for survival. Everyone here a cog in the well oiled machine, with a mission to save as many unfortunate souls as possible....And...bring some kind of fucking civilisation back to humanity. The Saviors...These men and women, these fucking magnificent soldiers, were the key to its success, the last line of defence for HIS citizens. His own personal army, a force to be reckoned with. They were a bunch of quarrelling fuckwits and murdery fucking hoodlums before he took this place. He made them what they are today. He gave them structure, rules, purpose. He made them strong. Look at them now.

As trucks are unloaded the mood is jovial. Today had been another productive damn day. There would be celebrations this evening. Rightly so. Fuck it, he's in a great mood, everyone gets extra vegetables at dinner, they deserved it.

Heading inside the large canteen, they are rewarded with good food and bottles of liquor. He watches over his people, observes their hearty laughter, loud banter, and congratulatory patting of backs. His eyes scan the room.

He leans back against the wall as his eyes rest on Ana. She's sat at a long table with Simon, a few of the other higher ranking warriors, and....that girl she always seems to be hanging with these days. He lowers Lucille to rest casually by his side. She'd done well, he'd known she would, and, she'd finally even got Simon's approval. Simon was right though, fucking her while on Savior business had been a mistake. While they were working EVERYONE needed to be focused. He didn't want to lose any one over some emotional shit, or by getting eaten on the job, so to speak. They'd had to cool it. Maybe they could get together when they both had free time, but with missions, meetings, and wives, it hadn't happened. A shame. It had been fun.

Sighing heavily he watches her as she laughs a full belly laugh, her head thrown back. She looks really fucking happy. As rare as rocking horse shit these days. It makes him smile.....briefly. His eyes fixate on Simon's hand patting her thigh, resting a little too long for his liking. He shifts uneasily from the wall, his jaw clenching, hand tightening momentarily around Lucille. The fucking fuck? His brow sets in a deep frown.

Ok..ok..calm your tits.....

It's probably just his imagination, but he might need to keep a fucking eye on that. Tearing his eyes away he looks down at the floor, inhaling deeply, rubbing his forehead, and trying to relax his jaw as he looks back over in Ana's direction.

The girls are now sharing a conversation that he can't hear. They move in closer to each other, real fucking close. Huh?

Cheering erupts. A drinking game has begun and a bottle of tequila is being passed around the table. The merriment continues, tables are banged enthusiastically, and numerous shots are knocked back. He shakes his head at his bunch of roguish fucking idiots.

There it was again. A touch of the girl's thigh. A firm squeeze. No mistaking. This time stroking higher, leaning right in. His brow arches as Ana kisses her, playfully nibbling at the girls lips. Tangling her fingers in the long tresses she pulls her in for a firmer kiss. Jeering breaks out.

"Get a fucking room you two"

Something is tossed across the table hitting Ana on the head. Breaking the kiss she tosses it back, laughing and giving them the middle finger. Jesus fucking Christ, sometimes It's like being at fucking high school with these morons. His attention is drawn back to the two women as they stand from the table.

So how long has this been going on?

She looks up. Her eyes meeting his. Hmmm.... Did she know he was there? Did she know he'd been watching? Neither looks away, locked in an unwavering stare as he tries to read her. A small smile plays at her lips as she whispers something in the girls ear before grabbing her hand and leading her hastily from the canteen.

Swinging lucille by his side, he takes a moment to process, pulls himself from the wall, bat on shoulder, and heads out into the corridor.

***

Turning the corner, towards Ana's room, the girl is pinned to the wall in a passionate kiss, a sense of urgency as she fumbles with the key in the lock. The door swings open. They tumble in. He saunters towards them, observing a moment before tapping loudly on the door with Lucille. When Ana spins around he studies her, his eyes narrowing, Lucille swinging gently by his side.

"Hi" he grins, taking a step forward into Ana's room.

"Hi" She moves protectively in front of her 'friend'

"Sorry to interrupt....." The grin fades as he peers around Ana for a better view of the girl. He's seen her around. Someone new Simon had recruited and trained, name escapes him though. Never really took much notice of her before. He looks her over. Similar to Ana in age, probably. Looks pretty badass, sweet though. Not bad. He definitely would. Flashes her one of his irresistible smiles. She seems to be struggling to maintain eye contact with him. He revels in the long awkward pause.

"...and you are?"

The girl swallows audibly and opens her mouth, but no words come out. He chuckles maintaining his stare. Ana glances over her shoulder looking quizzically at the suddenly dumb struck girl, shaking her head at her.

"This is Lily."

"Hey there Lily. Nice to finally meet you." He doesn't offer his hand, instead he twirls Lucille in his fingers, his tongue creeping out between his teeth. He can't resist looking her up and down again with a smirk. Immediately she blushes and looks down at the floor to hide her burning cheeks. That's cute. He chuckles.

"Not much of a talker huh?" Her eyes still glued to the floor he turns his attention back to Ana.

"Is she ok?" he mouths silently

"What do you want Negan?"

"You really have to ask? Ana, you know what I want." Placing lucille against the wall he takes another step closer, leaning into her space. Lily shrinks away behind Ana.

"No Negan, I dont." Her eyes search his "I dont know what you want from me"

"Yes...you fucking do" Lowering his face towards hers, he takes her by the hips. Lily shuffles uncomfortably while Ana holds his gaze.

"Oh, so you think you can just drop in whenever you feel like it, without an invitation"

"Oh girl, dont give me that shit. You know goddamn well I dont need an invitation. This is my place, I can do whatever the fuck I want" his thumb traces along her jaw

"What about what I want? ....What exactly are we doing here?"

"What do you wanna be doing?" He chuckles "This was your fucking idea. 'Why dont we come up with another arrangement', you said. I fucking remember it. Very fucking clearly." His thumb brushes over her lips "right before before you put my dick in that pretty little mouth of yours"

"That doesn't mean you can just call by whenever it suits you"

"That is EXACTLY what it means." He withdraws his hand " I gave you a choice. This is what you chose"

"Well, Im not just gonna sit here waiting for you" she smiles pulling Lily to her side.

"Yeah, I can see that" he glances over at Lily

"Look, I'm a big girl, I can make my own decisions, and I made my choice. I'm NOT one of your wives remember" leaning into Lily she kisses her softly.

"Thank fuck for that, you'd drive me nuts" His eyes linger over the kiss "So this is what you get up to when I'm not around"

"Mhm. What did you expect? I got needs you know." The woman's lips part for Ana "...So if you dont mind...." she mumbles through the kiss

"I don't mind at all". He interrupts " I'm enjoying the fucking show, dont stop on my account"

".....If you don't mind" she continues "I'm quite busy, so you can shut the door on your way out"

Arching a brow he watches the girls, their tongues exploring each others mouths. His grip on her hips tightens, pushing himself against her so she can feel him hardening.

"Hahaha. Ya missed me right? I can read you like a goddamn book......Ok you got my attention, got me over here......with the TWO of you. I see what you're doing here." taking her by the chin he pulls her face to look in his eyes. "Yeah...." he smirks "....you missed me"

"Maybe....Maybe not" she swipes his hand away

"Maybe...maybe not" he mocks "Why you always got to be so damned difficult all the time? Fuck, you're infuriating. See..... I'm hearing the words coming out of your mouth, but your eyes are saying 'fuck me Negan' ......." he shrugs off his jacket

"Wow! You really are an arrogant fucker"

"....Fuck me, AND my horny friend" he continues "Am I right? Hahaha. I know what you want, and how you want it. I know what kinkyfuckery runs through your dirty mind"

"You absolutely sure about that" she retorts "Maybe...I actually didn't miss you, or your dick. Maybe...you're wrong." She smirks at him as she peels off her shirt

"Now I KNOW you're fucking lying" his tone no longer as playful. "Enough fucking teasing now. I told you before, don't play fucking games with me princess"

"And I told you before, don't call me princess" roughly she pulls lily towards her, pulling her shirt up over her head and tossing it to the floor "I dont need your permission to fuck someone else. You don't own me"

Taking Lily's face in her hands she kisses her passionately. Releasing her hips he grabs a handful of Ana's hair, tugging her head back, prising the girls apart.

"I said that's enough. Have you forgotten who's in charge around here?" He says into her ear, his voice stern, delivering a hard sharp slap to her ass "Have you forgotten who your dealing with?" Another rough tug makes her wince. "The Sanctuary is mine. The Saviors, ..are mine. You....Are mine."

Lily cautiously takes a couple of steps back, Ana chuckles triumphantly.

"There's my Negan. You know I like that. she bites her lip " I love it when he gets mad, Lily. We like to play rough. This is just our foreplay" she chuckles again. "Still wanna fuck him?"

"Well?" His eyes burn into Lily's "Do ya? You wanna be my dirty girl too? " He smirks darkly "then it looks like it's your lucky fucking day.....if you think you're up to it" he unfastens Ana's jeans "...Choice is yours sweetheart, nobody's forcing you to do anything you don't want to do." Still holding Ana's hair in a vice like grip he tugs her jeans down to her hips. "Stay,.. or leave, it's up to you...but it's now or fucking never Lily" he palms Ana's ass "...Gonna need an answer. Are you staying?"

Lily chews thoughtfully on her bottom lip and nods

"Then be a fuckin doll and shut the door"

Negan's eyes follow Lily as she closes the door and leans her back against it. 

"Well, Ana, would you look at that. Lily does as she's told, unlike some people I know" his hand rubs across her stomach down towards her panties as he presses his swelling dick against her, eyes still locked on Lily.

"That's because she's a good girl Negan."

"Is that fucking so?" His stare unmoving, deliberately disarming her "wanna play a game of good girl / bad girl?" He smirks as he teases Ana, thumbing over her panties. "Ana is the bad girl obviously, but you've clearly spent some time together so I guess you know that already" Ana squirms as his thumb toys with her clit. "Speak up. Don't be shy. Can't be shy around my Ana"

"I'm not your Ana" 

"You fucking sure about that?"

He pulls her hair hard, tipping back her head, exposing her neck to him. Grazing her with his teeth, nipping at her skin, he raises his eyes to look at Lily from under heavy lids. Ana moans softly and reaches behind her rubbing his hardening length through his jeans. 

"So.....You just gonna stand there?" 

Lily's eyes follow his hand as it slides into Ana's panties. 

"Oh. You like to watch huh? We can put on a show for you if that's your thing" He really didn't mind that at all. He rubs down Ana's folds "Any requests? What freaky weird shit you into?" He grins as he circles Ana's clit. "We're pretty fucking comfortable with anything." Deciding the girl was probably not gonna move from the door he ignores her turning his attention back to Ana's neck, biting up to her ear lobe. 

"So fucking wet…" his voice is low in her ear, his grip tight on her hair  "Such a bad girl. Don't ever question whether you are mine, you understand me? You..are mine. This pussy..is mine" He delivers a sharp spank to her clit before plunging two fingers inside her. 

"Yeah, you like that, huh? That's why you' misbehave. You want me to fucking punish you"  He withdraws his fingers, hand poised for another slap. He knew this was what she wanted all along, playing her fucking games. "Dirty little slut, you fucking love it. You want me to spank that aching wet pussy…." He delivers another slap.

He feels her shaking, her face contorting in pleasure as he 'punishes' her relentlessly. Panting, gasping and quivering, as he alternates circling her, slapping her and finger fucking her, until her breathing quickens and she starts to squirm

"You're close right? You wanna cum so bad...my filthy girl. Should I let you? Can you fuckin behave?" 

"Yes... yes... please" she gasps

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Not so fucking cocky now, are you. You're fucking mine, and don't you ever forget it." He knew what she liked, how she wanted to be touched. He circles her clit rapidly, she shakes and bucks. "You can cum for me now" 

He bites down on her neck spreading her folds and pressing on her overstimulated clit. She shudders and arches backwards into him releasing a loud moan. Lily stays back up against the door as Ana unravels in front of her. He holds her tight plunging his fingers back inside her as she contracts and writhes against him. Fucking her through her orgasm, prolonging it.

"That's right, see, you can be a good girl"

Her knees buckle, he holds her firmly as she comes back down and regains some composure. Removing his glistening fingers, he sucks them clean.

"Mmm mmm" he smacks his lips, then beckons lily over. Let's see how much of a good girl she really is.

"Take off those jeans" he commands, his eyes wandering over her as she obediently pulls them down and kicks them aside. As Ana calms, he releases her stripping off his shirt to reveal his slim toned body. He sees Lily admiring him, puffs out his chest, smirks with his tongue brushing over his bottom lip. Yeah this is gonna be fun.

"Now get on your fucking knees.." he unbuckles his belt

".....both of you"

Ana turns to look up at him, eyes heavy with lust, and lowers herself to her knees, Lily willingly drops down beside her. He looks down at them, taking them both by the chin. 

"Open wide ladies" 

He smirks as he pulls down his jeans and boxers, his fully erect cock springing free. Lily's eyes widen as she watches him wrap his hand around the base. He chuckles to himself and smiles down at Ana. Full of fuckin attitude a few minutes ago, now look at her, mouth open, waiting for him.

"Look at you two, both begging for daddy's cock." 

He offers Ana the tip, she sticks out her tongue, needily salivating, ugh that's what he likes to see. He taps it, teasing her, trailing around her lips. 

"That's it princess, I know how much you want it"

Looking up at him she takes a lick of his tip and wets him with gentle sucks, dips to kiss down his shaft and a long flat tongued lick up the underneath from balls back up to tip, exploring over the slit and around the rim, toying with the sensitive area before taking him in her mouth, lowering herself, sucking and rippling her tongue as his fist steadily pumps his shaft. He lets out a groan, chews on his bottom lip. 

"Good girl."

Removing his hand he takes her head sliding her down lower, hitting her throat and briefly pausing as her well trained gag reflex allows him to inch down further, watching his own cock disappearing inside her until he bottoms out. Her throat constricts around him. He hisses willing his self control to hold her still. He wanted to fuck her mouth hard, hang her head over the end of the bed pin her down and throat fuck her, watch his cock moving up and down inside her neck….but not today. He has another girl waiting eagerly and he's not sure what she can handle. He sucks in air and grits his teeth, releasing her. Withdrawing she gasps for air, eyes watering, saliva pooled and dripping. He wipes her chin, she smiles up at him.

"Thank you, daddy" 

He smirks down at her as she dips and lowers, licking at his balls as he offers his throbbing cock to Lily.

"Damn fuckin right princess. You lucky girls. I am horny as fuck and hard as fuckin steel right now. You sure this is what you want sweet cheeks?" she looks from his eyes to his cock, swallowing audibly and nods.

"Then suck it doll" 

She takes him hungrily in her mouth. He wants to close his eyes and focus on the sensation, but he's got two girls attached to his cock and balls right now and he's enjoying watching them licking and sucking enthusiastically. Tongues battling over him. Lips finding each other, slobbering wet kisses between them and his rock hard cock. Clenches his jaw as Ana's hands wander across Lily's breasts and down towards her soaking cunt. He decides it's time for a little girl on girl action and guides them to the bed.

"Time for you two to put on a show for daddy"

Stroking himself, he watches as they passionately kiss, bras are unclipped and panties are ripped off and cast aside, playful wrestling and Ana eventually pinning down her friend and working her way down her girlfriend's body with nibbles and kisses. 

Wishing he'd had the forethought to bring along his video camera, he squeezes himself as she holds her thighs apart, exploring her pussy, tongue caressing, tasting and flicking until Lily finally arches and bucks. 

"Fuckin hell ladies, quite a fuckin show. Now if you dont mind, and I know you fuckin don't, I'm just gonna jump in before I blow my fucking load"

He chuckles as he joins them on the bed, congratulating himself on his amazing self control and stamina, bringing them both earth shattering orgasms as he thrust into them both powerfully. What a fuckin day! A massive victory for the Saviours and ending in fucking two beautiful women at the same time. Satisfied his enormous ego, and cock, have been suitably massaged, he stands.

"Fuck ladies!" 

Pumping himself in his fist, his head thrown back, he's ready to let go.

"Oh fuck I'm gonna cum….You want daddy's cum?"

"Yes, please" they kneel before him

"Let me hear you fuckin beg"

"Give it to us daddy…. give us your cum….pleeaaase"

"That's my good girls, Fuck, fuck, urggghh….jesus fuck"

He groans, shakes and stills, spurting in ropes across their faces. Looking down panting, a satisfied smirk on his face as he watches them greedily licking at his cock and each other, milking him of every drop.

Finally eyes closed, head relaxed back, he breathes deeply and composes himself.

"God fucking damn! That was a stressful day. I fuckin needed that"

Flopping onto his back on the bed he pulls them both into a hug, kissing the tops of their heads.

"My dirty fuckin girls, you are both fuckin filthy, you know that? he chuckles, holding them there quietly for a while…. but he's not much of a cuddler and the silence is killing him.

" I knew you missed my cock" he says to Ana laughing 

 "....Maybe I don't miss your dick" he mocks "...I can fuck who I want…. don't call me princess... blah blah fucking blah. I swear to god woman, you ever talk to me like that again I'll spank you so fuckin hard" he chuckles giving her a playful slap to the ass.

"Is that a promise?" She laughs, kissing his chest. 

OK that's enough. Time to crack on.

"Well, no rest for the fuckin wicked. Cuddle time is officially fuckin over. Shit to do, this place don't run it's fuckin self"

He hoists himself up collecting the clothes from the floor and tossing the girls theirs.

"Well it was lovely meeting you, Lily" he chuckles glancing over at her as he pulls on his boxers and jeans. She smiles up at him admiring his shirtless physique.

"So..." Lily ventures "What happens now?" 

Ana raises her brows and dresses silently.

"What do you mean?" He pulls on his boots. 

"Um...us?" She looks from one to the other "What happens now with us?"

Ana and Negan exchange glances, he pulls on his shirt, his brow furrowed.

"Wow, quiet little girl just found her voice? Um...Nothing….There is no us" he turns and looks for his jacket. "Look darlin, nothing is fuckin happening here. It was just a casual fuck that's all...a bit of fun" he picks it up, pulling it on "I thought you knew that"

"But ....I thought maybe we could...you know ....have an arrangement."

Ana grabs her cigarettes and rolls her eyes at Negan.

"I'm going for a smoke. I'll leave you two love birds to it"

Negan turns to Lily with a frown.

"Whoah! Let me stop you right there, sweet cheeks. You wanted this. You got it. Your lucky fucking day. I'm very happy for you. 'Today was the day I fucked Negan' you can write it in your journal and tell all your friends.." he laughs at his own joke "...but that's it, there isn't, nor will ever be, a fuckin 'arrangement' " he air quotes with a smile and his trademark lean. 

"Oh...I thought…." Lily looks away, lip quivering.

Shit! She's being fuckin serious. What the fuck? Shutting that shit right down, immediately. 

"You thought what? That we were in love now, we'll be skipping hand in hand through the fuckin meadows? Look, dont get your titties in a twist sweetheart, it's just a fuck. You've had casual sex before right?"

He heads towards the door 

"...Or are you one of those crazy obsessive stalker types? He picks up Lucille  "…..Should I be fuckin worried?"

Lily's eyes fill with tears.

"Such an asshole." Ana shakes her head at him as she brushes passed. 

"Tell me something I don't fuckin know." 

He groans and rubs his forehead 

"Ok. Ok. For fucks sake, I'm joking….jeezuus.. Some people got no sense of fucking humour….C'mon, don't go getting all emotional on me,....I'm just busting your lady nuts. Look... I'm a busy guy. I got this place to run, several wives to entertain, I got a lot on my mind, I just don't have the fuckin time...." 

He backs out the door. 

"Don't take it personal.....I'll ..um....see you around." He shakes his head " fucks sake" he mumbles under his breath as he hurriedly leaves.

***

MASTERLIST

TAGS:

@chloejanedecker1 @negan-love @bychrissi @nayghtynegan @negans-attagirl

Let me know if you'd like to be tagged in new chapters

[xmemeanonx]

Tough love

The second part of my yandere Luther Hargreeves fic which was based from @yanderepeterparker s (❤️) headcanons for said character.

The story will be told from your POV and Luther's POV.

Tw. emotional abuse, kidnaping, past talk of physical abuse, disabilities, past noncon talk, Luther's basically no help

Darker than the last one DO NOT READ IF THE WARNINGS OFFEND YOU

Enjoy! :)

= = =

The squeaking of the wheelchair on the hardwood floor became a normal sound to the both of you. Though it made each of you feel very different emotions.

To him its a symbol of his love towards you, a mark of every generous thing he has done for you. The vague reminder of the noise puts a smile on his face.

To you, a constant reminder of the type of monster he truly is. He calls it love, you call it bullshit. This isn't love. Love is selfless and understanding, his love is selfish and one sided.

But he doesn't see it that way. Never did, never will. Stubborn bastard.

= = =

“What would you like for breakfast, dear?” He chirps. He’s facing the counter but you can tell he's smiling.

You cringe on the inside. “Can I make my own breakfast, Luther?” you say quietly, picking at wood on the table.

He turns to you silently, frowning. “It's not Luther, dear.”

He tries so hard to be a normal “couple.” From pet names to breakfast in bed, he tries everything that normal couples would do. But it all feels so empty, so forced. Even his love for you feels fake. Sometimes you wonder if he even truly loves you, or if it's just something to take his mind off of how much he hates himself. You want to confront him on it someday, but for now it's easier to just play along.

“(Y/N)? dear?” he says expectantly. You look up at him.

“Sorry. . . . . honey. I was just thinking”

His smiles, eyes softening. “Its okay, dear. What were you thinking of?” he says expectantly

Your stomach turns, “oh. . .” you gulp, look up at his smiling face, fake smile on yours. You sit up in your wheelchair.

“I-I was just thinking about how. . . . happy I am with you.” The words felt disgusting on your tongue. Heavy and tough to say.

“Oh, that's great dear.” He grabs your hand, holding it gently. “Im happy with you too.”

Its silent. You clear your throat, turning away. He takes the sign.

“So uh. . . breakfast?” he asks.

You nod.

“. . . . eggs?”

You nod again.

= = =

“Honey?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Can. . . . can I go outside? Please?”

He stops pushing you, next to a window. He looks out to the backyard. “Sure, we can go outside. It looks like a nice day out, kinda grey though.”

You sit up, turning to look at him. “No. . . Can I just go out by myself. . . . honey?”

Brows furrowed, he frowns, “no, dear.”

“Why not?!”

He scowls down at you. You forgot how quickly his moods changed, almost like he was waiting for you to “mess up.”

“Because I said so.” You almost scoff at this. Did he really think you actually cared about him, or hell, even his opinions? Fucking idiot.

You put your head down, sighing.

You felt your emotions build up, yet you swallowed them down. You know they will come out as bullets one day. Wanting to pierce his skin, directly into his heart. Hopefully killing him, lord knows he deserves it, especially after everything he did to you, but that’s just wishful thinking.

“(Y/N)” he growls, gripping your shoulder. “Talk to me.”

You shake your head.

He grips you harder, “(Y/N). . . . .”

You put your head down lower, tearing up. Picking at the skin around your nails, you get the same feeling you got when he crippled you. He’s going to do something bad to you very soon, you felt it, but really. . . . . what did you really have to lose?

Your life? His lost.

“(Y/N), say something!” You sob. That shuts him up. Good, he talks too much. Now it’s you turn to speak.

You turn, eyes leaking hot tears, smiling dryly at him. “Why?”

“Wha-“

“Why do you want me to talk, Luther?” It's becoming too much for you to handle

He squints, “(Y/N) I’m not playing your games.”

Way too much.

“Is it because you can’t handle the silence? Because you know that, then you’ll be alone with your thoughts? Maybe then you’d actually think about what your doing, instead of keeping, crippling, assaulting and abusing someone who barely even knows you.”

He punches the wall beside the both of you. You suck in a breath, looking between it and him. Ohhhhhh shit, you messed up.

This happens quite often actually, surprising or not. You mess up and he get pissed. He's going to get angry now and you're going to pay the price of his “mistakes.”

Mistakes. That's what he calls them. As if your legs were a mistake. He says they'll heal but you don't really care, he would just do it again if you tried to run. And you will try again.

But that's how it normally goes, you “misbehave,” he loses his shit, he takes it out on you, then cries and begs for forgiveness. You give him what he wants, fearing for your life, but recently you're getting really desperate.

“. . . . . I'm sorry. “ you say quietly. He can tell your lying.

“Were going to bed.”

You may have no respect for him but at least you`re not stupid.

“Okay, honey.”

= = =

After helping you get ready for bed, with surprisingly very few words exchanged, Luther's body ached for a shower. He felt tiredness like he never felt it before when he had to deal with your childness. If he told his younger self that this was what love was like, he would have never even bothered. But he's changed so much hasn't he?

He'd never enjoyed showers, even as a child to now, with his grotesque body. He remembers his mother telling him that they were good for him, especially after training. She said it was a great way to get clean and to calm down.

He still thinks about her now, Pogo too. But what had to be done to keep you safe was done. Every risk, chance, or possibility of you being taken away from him, he'd take care of. Even if it means removing his own family from the equation or taking away your dignity.

Yes, it hurts him to see you cry, but what are his other options? He's never been good with words.

= = =

Lying on his bed, waiting for him, had to be the longest 20 minutes of your life. Picking the skin around your nails, silently listening to the shower water falling on a human body would normally be a calming thing for you, but nothing about this is calming is it?

You knew what was going to happen but that didn't help the feeling of dread coursing through you.

You weren't a virgin when he first did those things to you, but it didn't make it any less painful. You pissed him off real bad, but you didn’t run or try to fight, you just yelled, you spoke out, and that was enough for him to force himself on you.

You remember lying there, wishing you were dead. You told him to stop, you told him no, screamed it even. But he didn’t care, in fact, he made it even more painful. All for his amusement, his pleasure.

It was when he just left after he finished, not caring for your comfort, you realised how much of a monster he truly was.

Now your scared he’s going to do it again.

= = =

“You do this to yourself, you know?”

“. . . . . “

“I’m only doing this because I love you.”

“. . . . . “

“I love you so much.”

“. . . . . “

“(Y/N)?”

“. . . . . “

“Please”

“. . . . . .”

“Please (Y/N), please just say it back.”

“. . . . . “

“I know you wouldn’t mean it bu-“

Oh, so he does know. Even with him spooning you now, he knows just how much you hate him. Honestly you’re surprised. Considering how much he plays into his little fake domestic life with you, he knows just how much you hate him. You can’t tell if you feel bad or if it makes you hate him even more. But for once, why not play a bit too?

“I love you too, honey.” You say, petting his hand in fake comfort. It’s hard to say, but in a way, you hope it would comfort the pitiful, love-hungry beast behind you.

“O-oh. . . That’s. . . . n-nice to hear.”

“I’m glad, honey.” You feel his tears on the back of your shirt, they make your shirt damp and uncomfortable.

It’s silent. A comfortable silence surprisingly. But then he asks you a question that surprises you. Something you’ve thought about for so long, yet sounds so awful coming from the person it’s directed at.

“(Y/N), do you hate me?”

Yes. oh my god, YES! Oh how much you wanted to tell him that! Yet, you chose not to, especially after what he did to you legs. Broken, yes. But they will heal. At least that’s what he says. But you don’t really trust him do you?

You wanted to tell him the truth, for your sake, not his, never his. Although you try and think of you options and their possible outcomes.

If you say no, you continue to lie. Possibly fueling the already smoldering fire inside of him, feeding his ego yet, at the same time, his insincerities.

Yes on the other hand could burn the whole forest down. It would either burn you or him to death. And honestly, at this point you can’t decide which is the better possibility. You, finally being brought the sweet relief of death, or him, being left to care for a person who he knows hates him while he constantly yearns for their, although fake, love. It almost seems like the better choice is the one where both of you get burnt.

You know which one is the better answer, you even say it what a smirk on your lips.

“Yes. Yes I do Luther.” Your words pierced him right into his heart.

Closing your eyes, listening to his soft sobs behind you, you felt something you haven’t felt in a long time. . . . .

Satisfied.

Because now, he knows the meaning of tough love.

= = =

Hoooooo! That got intense! I’m so sorry if this offended anyone, but I did put a warning at the top. Also Happy New Years, y’all! Hope y’all have a great 2020! Love you! I have a lot more ideas for Luther and the umbrella academy so I might write more. But please request more in general, requests are always open for the umbrella academy!

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[histeetharenotsoft]

honestly i have no idea how i’m supposed to make it to ep 165

because 162 killed me, like 3 times

spoilers below the cut!

ITS GERRY!!!!!! MR KEAY I MISS YOU

but this is the first time we’ve actually Heard him, not secondhand or with spooky ghost echo, just as a normal voice on a tape. and i just want to hug him so much because ohhhh boy he has no idea what’s going to happen and also i am love him

“do i get to hear them?” “perhaps. if you live long enough.” shut up gertrude shut the fuck up don’t just mention gerry dying so casually its Rude

hmmm i might write a fic where jon, sasha and gerry are somehow all the archivist because I Can Do What I Want

ooo here we have more fire in the archives foreshadowing

did. did gerry’s chair scrape when gertrude raised her voice. like he flinched. someone hug this man

and then his voice goes all quiet when gertrude is lecturing him and Mary Keay Can Catch These Hands

“you are occasionally useful despite your foolishness” wowwww gertrude. what glowing praise. don’t just say that to his face come onnnn

but “useful” though. “useful”. i know we already know gertrude is an ‘ends justify means’ type character but goddamn if that isn’t just a perfect description of her relationships with people: categorised by their use to her plans and nothing more

“the network of sinister tunnels that snake beneath the archive” gertrude definitely knows about the tunnels lets be real. she’s just protecting jurgen leitner stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner goddamn fool book collecting dust eating rat old bastard shithead idiot avatar of the whore

what i wouldn’t give for gerry to have canonically beaten up jurgen leitner more than once. that’s going in my triple archivist fic

“what happens if we fail” oh. oh no. oh no whats gertrude going to say

“i suspect death puts us beyond their power” hmmm. seems like a fair point but i feel like the end would come up with some fuckery because this universe is a bastard and doesn’t let anyone get the rest they deserve. this isn’t really important to the plot (at least I Hope Not) but the thought of eldritch fear gods being able to reach us after death... chills

“[actual death] is preferable to lingering in a world they control” oh no that’s not good for jon to hear

“they might even stop death entirely.” hmmm. HMMMMMM

“and taxes?” “taxes i imagine will continue” hell yeah jonny get his ass (’him’ being capitalism). also i know the coronavirus lockdown isnt exactly an apocalypse caused by eldritch fear gods forcing themselves through into our world, but considering the shit thats been going on? yeah i imagine taxes would continue

“could it be undone?” “no, i don’t think so” oh no. oh no jon. jon nooo. he’s just playing it over and over and god he must be feeling so guilty and helpless. he also gets a hug. and another. and then three more. then one more but it lasts for like an hour before i have to phase back into my own dimension

TIM AND SASHA i’m still not prepared to hear their voices i love they

sasha is so competent she’s incredible and i am in awe of her

hell yeah tim is drinking his respect woman juice

“jimmy magma. joany magnum? jack magnet” asjdfhakjfhakjhfk tim you’re the best

“what if we kill him” Fuck Off Jonny You Can’t Do That

SADHJA WAS GOIJNG YO QUIKT I AM SJDFHKJLASLKFDJGKSDJHF

holy fuck we got canon timsasha. also “you’re not the love interest”??? sasha was a lesbian. source: me, also a lesbian. who can Do What She Wants

“you might be the character they drop after the pilot” sasha no dont say that!!!! as the character who was dropped after the pilot (ok season not episode but still) i have determined that is Illegal. and yes i know sasha was killed off for entirely valid reasons and not just dropped but shhhh i am hurting

“i dont have anything keeping me here” oh sasha. oh you sweet summer child. i wish that was the case. i really do

oh hey sasha knew about tim’s brother? martin told tim about his CV? THE S1 ARCHIVE STAFF WERE FRIENDS AND I MISS THEM A LOT BECAUSE GODDAMMIT THE S3/4 STAFF DIDN’T FOUND-FAMILY LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO

“no such thing as the real you”? “it’s all just masks”??? jonny stop stop im already dead you dont need to kill me again

(god i fucking hate that i get the stanislavsky bit. i only did drama gcse but the exam was terrible because none of the exam board’s practice questions were even anywhere close so no one was prepared and i spent so long revising all these pointless notes on how to answer the difficult questions and i regret it So Much and any reminder of that fucking bullshit exam i had to do Fills Me With Rage

“if you get eaten alive by improperly filed statements, me and martin will avenge you... we’ll burn this place to the ground.” god i am in pain. not only do we have more archives arson foreshadowing but we also have this line that hits like a punch in the gut because they didn’t avenge sasha, did they?

“i find it highly unlikely this sasha ever even existed at all” “i’m unforgettable” shut up shut the fuck up is this allowed? IS THIS ALLOWED???? because it fucking shouldnt be. it’s murder jonny time lads!!!

is. is jon crying. oh no

and then he gets fucking posessed by the cabin?? i love how the format of the statements has changed its very interesting

The One You Love The One You Love The One You Love

jonmartin are so in love that even eldritch fear cabins can’t not see it. jonny really said “you can read their relationship as platonic... but i am going to do my goddamn best to make that hard for you” huh

and fuck, this statement. it’s so creepy and i love how we cant distinguish which entity it is, because does it even matter any more? the list of 14 was a human creation anywhere, i think the ‘different parts of a body’ metaphor l*itner used is makes more sense now. it doesn’t matter which part of the body is attacking you, it matters that you’re being attacked in the first place so figuring out which part it is isn’t really a priority any more

but i think it’s mostly stranger and spiral? i also get very vague corruption vibes from the description of the planks because “they are warmer, softer and more yielding than the timber they present”? ugghhhh. corruption has often been associated with this kind of ‘wrong’ warmth (think jon amherst) and it also brings to mind that episode where the guy nails meat all over his walls and the rot makes the statement giver’s ceiling collapse. but then there’s the lonely there too, because yes jonmartin have each other but jon says it himself: “it will not let you feel the warmth of joy this love may claim to gift”. just try tell me the concept of being unable to find happiness in love isn’t Lonely, even if it’s not entirely true

but yeah basically i love the merging of entities present in this creepy statement

“our tomb” huh. the pov changes here, it’s gone from talking about jon in second person, to talking as jon in first person. so if jon wasn’t possessed by SpOoKy CaBiN like i thought (because if he was, why would he suddenly switch like this? it doesnt make sense)... then what was making that statement? my instinct is to say it was The Archivist or rather, The Archives talking about jon but like a separate personality, which... yikes

“[this will be] my chrysalis. it is time that i emerge.” monster jon? monster jon. this line gave me chills because damnnnn i love me some good eldritch!jon

“i wanted to leave and hunt down elias” hell yeah jon go and brutal pipe murder that bastard its what you deserve

martin has packed bags already and he brought tea and i love him so muchhhhh

and jon’s smile is AUDIBLE he loves martin so much my tiny heart can’t handle it

“we got this.” “apparently so 😍 “ just tell me you can’t hear the heart eyes in jon’s voice. oh wait. you cant

LET MARTIN BURN SOMETHING ITS WHAT HE DESERVES

“we can’t fight the world, martin” “says you” afkjhasfkjhadkjghdakjghakdgf

to summarise:

get ready for me to type out the same summary for all 40 episodes because jesus fucking christ. jonny’s writing never fails to make me Feel All The Emotions at once. i give this one a spooky sentient cabin out of 10

[dont-rainonme]

role model

[bucky barnes x reader]

[warnings] - mostly wholesome, with a pinch of angst and very brief mentionings of car crashes and injections but nothing graphic

[summary] - you, bucky and the avengers visit hospitals to surprise the children there for a charitable cause. bucky hesitates to go, because of his metal arm and the past, until he realises how much he means to the children there.

[A/N] - ive never written a bucky fanfic in my life, so please be gentle lol im trying. uhhh I google translated the tiniest bit of russian so if it’s wrong, please correct me. but i had this idea and thought that maybe it would be a good story. as always, italics mean it’s a flashback or a past memory. :))

seeing the avengers, a group consisting of heavily skilled assassins, enhanced individuals and super soldiers, interacting so softly and gently around the children made your heart practically melt with joy. there was peter, who was technically a child and obviously bonded with the children with ease.

and to think these people could snap your neck if they wanted to.

today was the day that tony‘s charity programme was finally coming together, with the team visiting the first hospital in the many to come. in the past few years, the avengers have been gaining coverage over magazines, newspapers and even the news, which, naturally, made them very popular, especially amongst children.

you remember that time as clearly as the sky was that day, when you surprised bucky with a funko pop figure of him. you remember the silence that fell over the two of you, as you stared at him anxiously awaiting his reaction. you remember how his head lifted slowly, his long, brown locks brushed out of his face to reveal the face you loved smothering with kisses. you remember the look he gave you, almost silently asking, this is for me? before giving an encouraging nod. for a minute, you thought you’d upset him, because of how unresponsive he was, until he suddenly stood up and engulfed you in a crushing hug.

to be fair, it was a very comfortable hug.

moving on, you were the only person, apart from steve and sam, that bucky would ever open up to, and you were proud to say that you were the one who could reduce him into a love-struck, flustered mess; a feat that not even steve nor sam could accomplish. although, you did appreciate their attempts, specifically sam’s.

you grin to yourself, your mind wandering to the time you walked into your room in the compound, only to find sam laying on your bed with möljnir on his chest and bucky casually sharpening his knives.

“how you doin’?” you heard sam say nonchalantly, as if he didn’t have an ancient hammer on his chest, hindering his every move.

“what the hell happened?” you yelped, dropping your bag down, “all i did was go out and get some food.”

“sam tried braiding my hair like you do,” bucky said, a flicker of a smirk playing on his lips, “but i only let you touch my hair and he kept annoying me, so i got thor to put his hammer on him.”

“why can’t i give you pet names?” sam chided in.

“because you’re not (y/n).”

“so what? ive been here for an hour and a half,” sam groaned under the weight of the hammer.

“it’s been six minutes,” bucky said blankly.

“shut up.”

you couldn’t wait to see him with the children.

you felt like you could smile forever, watching nat pretend to fall over when a little girl, with tubes and drips inside her, pretended to punch her, or when steve and sam cheered with pride when the boy, who was recovering from his many surgeries, slid cap’s shield onto his arm. and you knew that whilst it made the children’s day, it made the team’s day as well.

and then you spotted him.

your boyfriend.

bucky.

he was in the corridor outside of the room, away from everyone else, with a hat tilted so that it covered his face. you had managed to pursuade him to wear a sleeveless jacket, with the intention to help him grow more confident with his metal arm in public, but he had his left arm stuffed inside the pocket of the jacket, the other hand flicking at his nails. you sighed, smile faltering only a little, as you apologised to the girl you were talking to, and made your way towards him.

“what are you doing? why aren’t you with the others?” you asked softly, gently lifting his head and tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear. almost immediately after, he shook his head, and the piece of hair went back to its original spot, in front of his face. you shot him a stern look.

“bucky.”

no response. you closed your eyes and exhaled out quietly. you learnt a long time ago that you had to be patient with him.

“bucky, please, talk to me.”

you stood in silence, both of your heads down, and after a long pause, he spoke.

“i don’t deserve to be here.”

“bucky-“

“i don’t deserve to be treated as a hero.”

your head shot up immediately, lips parted to speak, but he dismissed you, his hand held up to silence you.

“don’t start with how i’ve changed,” bucky said dully. he paused before he buried his face in his hands, “Блядь-“

“language. there are children here.”

“…i can’t even get a control over my own mind yet. anytime i hear something that barely even resembles the trigger words, i suddenly feel an urge to do something… evil. its like a part of myself is disappearing bit by bit. and i’m scared that if i don’t learn how to control myself, then one day, ill lose every piece of me and ill end up hurting all of you.”

his voice cracks near the end of his sentence, eyes widening at the sound. the two of you are completely still, with you frozen in complete shock. he had never been this vulnerable and open even with you, often keeping his feelings to himself, but today must’ve been his breaking point. he hastily wiped his eyes, swallowing harshly and turning his head away from you.

that still didn’t hide the tears.

“why do you love me?”

“bucky, I swear to god, listen to me right now,” you gently, but firmly push his arms down so you could finally see his face, damp from the fresh tears, “i know this is difficult, but i know that you can do it. what you did wasn’t you. you were controlled. that isn’t the bucky i know. the bucky I know is smart, he’s strong and protective and caring and he’s occasionally an idiot-“ you both smile a little at that, “-but he’s my idiot and he’s also a hero, which is how the children here see you as. what you did in the past does not define who you truly are. you’re not going to lose yourself, because me and the others are here for you, and i want you to know that you’re safe. that you’re not with HYDRA anymore, that you’re with us, you’re part of the avengers, so you have every single fucking right to go into that room and make those children happy. because they see you as one of us, a cool-ass avenger, and they see you as a hero. okay?”

you were being honest when you surprised even yourself with that little rant, but it was worth it to see the smallest hint of a smile form on your boyfriends lips. you had to tip-toe to kiss him lightly on the lips (an attribute that bucky had brought up before and ended with him being tackled to the ground by you), as you both laugh a little, and bucky cups your face with his metal hand, murmuring quietly to you.

“what was that about our language?” he asked, looking down at you smugly.

“…shut up.”

his tough demeanour breaks instantly. he sighs contently.

“what did i do to deserve you?”

“everything,” you reply in a heartbeat, “you deserve every part of me.”

with his hand still on your chin, you both lean forward to kiss, eyes fluttering shut as you do so. your lips brush softly against each other, when you both feel a tug on bucky’s jacket.

stunned, you both look down to see a little boy, fiddling timidly with his fingers. you and bucky’s eyes graze lower down to his height to see that he has a prosthetic arm.

“go on,” the nurse says reassuringly, “ask him.”

bucky immediately looks to you, panic flaring in his eyes, but you give him a look that quickly calms him down. although your intimate moment was ruined, it opened up an opportunity for him. he hesitated a little before squatting down so he was the same height as the boy, who looked behind him to the nurse; she eagerly nodded her head.

“c-can I touch your arm?” he asks shyly, pointing to bucky’s left, “it’s really cool and my friend said it’s not real, so i wanted to prove her wrong!”

you and bucky laugh, and he gives you a look that silently thanks you.

“go ahead, it’s real,” he says smiling, extending the arm out to the little boy, who’s giddy with excitement. his little fingers brush over the vibranium, eyes lighting up and face splitting into a wide grin.

“c-can you move it?” he asks in a hushed whisper, and bucky complies, flexing his fingers, as the boy watches the metal plates running up his arm move corresponding his actions.

“hannah!” the boy yells into the room, “i told you it’s real! look! i touched it! it moves and everything!”

he turns to bucky.

“can my friend touch it too?”

“sure thing.”

and before you both know it, he’s being dragged into the room by the boy, and you follow them, with the nurse by your side. by the time you arrive by the boy’s bedside, a small crowd of children, all with some sort of prosthetic limbs, surround bucky fascinated.

“this is my friend, bucky,” the boy says proudly, “and his arm is real and i know that because i touched it! we’re practically twins now.”

an excited gasp ripples through the small crowd and suddenly the children send him streams of questions.

“is that your girlfriend?” a boy asks, pointing suddenly to you. bucky grins.

“yep. she’s pretty great.”

“that’s all i get?” you teased, raising an eyebrow, “pretty great?”

“yes.”

“do you love her?”

“of course.”

“have you kissed?”

bucky pauses, but before he could say anything, the boy from earlier answers for him.

“yes they have! i caught them almost kissing when i went to ask if i could touch his arm!”

an echo of “ew!”s reverberate around the room, accompanied by the children laughing. you bury your face in your hands in amusement and embarssment, and you feel bucky rub your back sympathetically.

“does that mean you have cooties?”

“…yes?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

the two of you spend the next hour with the children, answering their questions and giving them small gifts like little action figures of yourselves. you melt at the sight of bucky - his face was the youngest and happiest you’ve ever seen him. there was no line of stress on his face, but instead a smile, and a glimmer of hope in his eyes. it’s obvious he likes the children. around them, he was as carefree as he could be, even going as far as letting them draw on his arm and putting magnets on it. your boyfriend is an actual child at heart. and you love him for that.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“how did you lose your arm?” the boy from earlier, who you later learned was called freddie, asked bucky. the two of them were happily colouring away, as you watched in the background smiling. bucky paused, choosing his words carefully.

“i fell off a really tall bridge from a train…”

freddie gasped dramatically.

“and… i used my left arm to break my fall. it broke, but the doctors gave me a new metal arm. cool right?”

“yeah! that happened to me too,” freddie explained, using elaborate hand gestures as he told the story, “except i didn’t fall. i was in the car with my mum when some lorry crashed into us and suddenly there was fire everywhere! i woke up in a hospital and the doctor said that they had to get rid of my old arm because of some infection or something. i don’t know what it is, but i know it’s some complicated stuff.”

“so then what happened?” bucky asked, a flicker of sadness in his eyes, sighing as he went back to his colouring.

“the doctor was like don’t worry we have a cool new arm for you! just like yours!” he pointed to bucky’s arm and grinned, “but he said I had to have surgery so they could attach it to me. it was scary, but i promise i cried only a little bit, even when they gave me an injection! i promise! you believe me right?”

“of course. you’re one of the bravest people I know.”

the little boy beamed brightly up at him.

“and then when I woke up, i had the cool new arm! the doctor said i can go home soon!”

“really?” bucky said, genuine joy on his face, “that’s great!”

“i know right? i wanna be like you when im older and beat up bad guys with my cool new arm.”

“you do?”

“yeah. you’re my favourite out of alllll the avengers. but don’t tell the falcon that, okay? because i told him the same thing so i didn’t hurt his feelings.”

“i won’t,” bucky laughed, as the two continued colouring. he grinned to himself.

he was going to give sam so much shit for that later.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

when you and him met up with the other avengers in the lobby when your time there was done, they all turned to look at the pair of you.

“what are those on your arm?” natasha asked, amused as he pointed to bucky.

“magnets.”

“oh my god,” sam said, “this should be good.”

he held bucky’s arm, twisting it to get a good look around it, admiring all the drawings of the avengers the children had done.

he paused.

“where am i?!” he whined, the team erupting into laughter, as he did a circled around the arm to fo a double take.

“don’t worry sam,” tony chuckled, as the doors of the hospital opened and they all exited, “we love you really.”

“yeah, yeah, you all totally show it,” he grumbled, his face cracking into a smile when tony shook his shoulder playfully.

you walked alongside bucky silently, your arm hooked around his, though it wasn’t uncomfortable. you were proud of him for today. you had never seen him smile so much before.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

that was a lie.

a week later, you found bucky in your room, smiling as he stared at something in his hand. when you asked him to show you, you felt your heart leap.

it was a picture of freddie, at home from the hospital, posing next to his little bucky action figure. and on the back was a little note from the boy.

“i‘m gonna be just like you!”

[chimchimsauce]

Sanctuary (16 FINAL)

YN is a young girl, bright and ambitious, but due to her busy schedule, she’s been unable to make any real friends. When an ad for Saint Mary’s Sanctuary catches her attention, she never expected her life to be changed by a certain hybrid named Jimin.

Tag List:  @feed-my-geek-soul @raspberryhaterade@dinorahrodriguez @loriosborne @majestikblue  @younginfluencernut-blog @jiminotopia @yady24 @amoretti-rossetti  @j-hofe7 @scared-money @alina-foxy @catwhipes  @cloudyfelix @justfollowbacon @chims-kookies @hoodiebangtan@xanny91 @catarina-catycaty @lewd-lemon @yaseminflames @lulanii @jeonsdear @omgsasusakulover @let-fred-live @perfectlyfangirling @daddyjoonie @meganleafmusic @okayjinmin @blueskys-brightstars @boononx @bubblefishrainbow @scamanderbeasts @cjisluckycharm @artsy-gingersnap  @yoongi-bias @miraiikki @ccocorosie  @skyebloodhood   @mixedfandxms @vixsynsblog  @mypurplelamp @acupoftaewithsuga @xthefuckerysquaredx  @take-u-2-an0ther-w0r1d @young-yellkie @yoonjinbabe @animedreamscometrue @thefutureiswithyou @2seokkyo @x-josii-x  @childish—soul  @lilliaflurr @daddyvernon    @jiminslye @moostachoaway   @beatstotheheart @im-a-percy   @dreadity  @lovesickpjms  @nanie5  @killcomet  @certainuncertainty11 @sunkissedhobi  

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

By the time YN gathers her wits enough to climb back upright and chase after him, the wolf is long done, wet, icy footprints all that are left of him. Jimin hadn’t closed the door when he ran blindly into the night, giving YN no barrier in chasing after him.

“Jimin!” she shouts into the night, eyes wide and panicked, breath turning into smoke as soon as it leaves her lips, “Park Jimin!”

The night is silent, the cold chilling her exposed skin to the bone. She hardly notices at all, the sound of the complete silence deadening all her senses. She breaks into a run down the street, picking a random direction and hoping that she’ll be able to catch up to him.

YN isn’t sure how long she’s out in the freezing temperatures, calling for Jimin fruitlessly, but she almost jumps out of her skin when a pair of warm hands land on her shoulder. With a startled scream, YN pulls away, turning towards her apparent attacker. Kim Taehyung stands there, hands raised in a sign of good intent.

“Woah, woah, woah, YN! Calm down, it’s just me,”

“Taehyung?” YN asks, beginning to notice the chill finally as the man snaps her out of her hysteria, “What are you doing here?”

Her friend looks bewildered.

“What am I doing here? I rushed over as soon as our call cut off and - but nevermind, let’s get you inside! It’s literally snowing out here and you’re practically wearing nothing. Your lips are blue,”

Gently, Taehyung leads her back to her house, her front door standing open and small drifts of snow taking up space in the doorway. The man kicks out what he can with the sole of his boot, shutting the door while YN stands shivering right beside her couch.

“Jesus, YN, what happened? Why are you running around like a madwoman in the middle of winter? Where’s Jimin?”

Almost instantly, the girl collapses into the startled Taehyung’s arms, tears slipping down her freezing cheeks and stinging as she desperately attempts to draw breaths in. Her body isn’t listening to her it seems, as she continues to cry loudly, clinging onto Taehyung like a lifeline.

Although he’s confused and slightly frightened, Taehyung holds the girls closely, patting her gently like he’s seen in the movies. When her cries finally calm down slightly, morphing into ugly hiccups, her leads her to the plush sofa, sitting her down gently and tossing the throw she keeps on the furniture over her goosebumped legs, rubbing them quickly over the fleece.

YN rubs at her temple, a headache already making herself from her sudden fit.

“What happened, YN? What’s going on?”

“I - Jimin - he,” she pauses, sucking in a large gulp of air and taking several deep, slow breaths, “I had Jimin soaking in ice water when you called me. I slipped away to answer you, and then we had our conversation. But he must have slipped out of the water, hormones or whatever, and then the next thing I knew he was hugging me from behind. I was startled, and I dropped and broke my phone,”

The girl grows quiet for a moment, as if she’s processing her story as if she wasn’t the one who was telling it.

“I suggested your solution. It was dumb, I was dumb, but I was frightened of him. You frightened me with all of your possibilities because it seemed like things were going as you said they would . . . that maybe I would wake up one day in a vice grip I couldn’t escape from. But I should have known better. I should have known better,”

She’s shaking herself, arguing with herself it seems.

“You don’t him, Taehyung. I do. I know Jimin. I know he wouldn’t have done anything. I knew, really I did. But I was afraid, so I asked him. You should have seen his face. You should have seen it, Taehyung!”

She’s yelling now, anguish bubbling to the surface.

“He looked so hurt. So broken! Worse than he ever looked when he talked about his past, worse than when we broke him out of Saint Mary’s, worse than I’ve ever seen! I didn’t know someone could look so . . . so  . . . defeated. Like he had his heart ripped out. It was me who made him feel that way, me! I’m the monster here, Tae!” Another sob, short, like she’s grasping for breath in the middle of drowning, “Because he was waiting for me! He sat there and bawled his eyes out talking about all these hopes and wishes I didn’t know he even had, hopes and wishes that all had something to do with me. I hurt him. I hurt him because I couldn’t even say anything as he bared his soul, as he confessed he was in love with me, Taehyung. I couldn’t even say anything, just say there uselessly, and now he’s gone into the wild in nothing but a damp shirt! He doesn’t even have shoes!” She wailing now.

On the other side of the couch, Taehyung sits with an uneasy feeling in his stomach, guilt flaring up inside of him.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, throat dry and eyes burning.

“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault but mine! I did all of this!”

“Do you love him?” Taehyung asks quietly.

“What?” she asks with a sniff.

“Do you love him?” Tae repeats, leaning forward and searching her red eyes.

“I - I can’t love him, Tae! I can’t! We’re - it would never work. He’s not human, Taehyung. We could never have a future together. I haven’t even let myself think about it. A hopeless pipedream,”

“You’re an idiot, YN. An actual idiot,” the man says harshly.

“What?” she asks, not expecting the sudden change in his tone.

“Jimin is just as human as you and me. He bleeds the same way, he cries the same way, his soul is every bit as legitimate as mine or yours. The only thing that makes us different is that foolhardy scientists with a god complex did torturous experiments on his ancestors, that his senses are heightened, that he has to go through this heat every time the first of the year rolls around. If you’ve been holding out on loving him because you think he’s something less than you, you don’t deserve him,”

YN stands in a fit of rage, shoving Taehyung harshly.

“Of course he’s not less than! How dare you even suggest I think he’s below me?! Jimin is the sweetest, most giving person I’ve ever met, Taehyung! He’s so easy to make happy, so willing to do things for others, such a bright person despite all the shit that’s been tossed his way!”

“So you’re saying you love him?”

“Of course I fucking love him! Maybe not the way he loves me, not yet, but I can’t even imagine living without him, Tae! I can’t even dream it!”

Standing up and brushing the remaining bits of snow off of himself, Taehyung grins at her, placing a large hand on top of her head.

“Then we’ve got a hybrid to find,”

But despite all of Taehyung’s outreaching and mysterious connections, the two of them are unable to locate Jimin, spending hours every day searching near and far, hoping that one of Tae’s people will be able to find him. Every day that passes YN grows more concerned, worried sick over Jimin.

Is he safe? Has he found somewhere to sleep? Does he have food? Clothes? Is he warm?

The optimistic part of her wants to believe that Jimin is perfectly okay, that he’s somewhere and not even thinking of her, moving on with his life and heading out to make something of himself.

But a larger part, the frightening part, can’t help but think he’s tucked away in some run down shed in the middle of nowhere, starving and freezing to death, wishing for his end to come believing he’s unloved, that no one will miss him when he’s gone.

Nearly three whole weeks pass by in terrible silence, YN barely able to drag herself to work, her health depleting as the fate of Jimin rots her from the inside. She’s nearly given up when Tae gives her a call, telling her that he’s finally found a lead, a man by Jimin’s description spotted in a grocery store about twenty miles away. His man had followed him to an abandoned looking house just off of a dirt road hardly traveled.

YN stops herself from feeling relief, afraid to be disappointed like the last two false calls Tae had reported to her. She doesn’t think her heart can take another disappointment.

When Taehyung’s old pickup rolls to a stop with a whine, YN sits stone still inside, eyes glancing at the house through a small smattering of trees, run down shackles falling off of its roof, the front door ajar and barely hanging onto its hinges, the tired looking paint peeling off off the outer walls.

“Are you ready?” Taehyung asks, breaking the dead silence.

“No,” she whispers, a sinking feeling falling into her gut.

“Me neither. Let’s go in,”

The two walk towards the house, their feet leaving marks in the thick mud and slush on the ground. The sight of a third pair of fading tracks seizes YN’s heart, her breathing speeding up. She clenches her fists in anticipation, remembering the martial arts she took as a child in case things go south.

The house makes a squeak as her feet stand on the rotting porch, YN glancing to Taehyung in a vain attempt to make herself feel better. The man had offered to check this out himself, but YN had insisted on going with him.

All the duo find in the abandoned house is a plate of messy leftovers on a broken down table in the kitchen, like the person eating had to leave in a rush and tried to eat as much as they could before departing. Nothing else is in the house except for the smell of decay and the few rats and roaches lingering in the corners, watching them with suspicious eyes.

YN is just about to call it a day, heart already bruised when there’s a groan coming from the floorboards. YN almost believes she’s hearing things until another sound come, a whining noise, and she and Taehyung give each other a glance. They sweep the place, more carefully this time, and Taehyung finds a loose floorboard he yanks up, wiping his dirty hands on his pants. The board hid a small wrought iron handle which he grasps tightly, pulling up.

For a moment nothing happens, but eventually the house yields, a cold draft seeping up from the gaping hole in the floor.

The noises are louder now, a grunt making its way up to their ears. YN, unable to see anything, presses a covered toe into the blackness, nearly falling when her foot makes contact with nothing but the air.

“I’ll go first,” Taehyung suggests, but YN shakes her head, sitting on the floor and slipping into the darkness.

Her feet hit the floor a bit unsteadily, YN flailing but righting herself.

Before she can call out, she finds herself pinned by a pair of glowing golden eyes, a growl ripping out into the void.

She can hardly see, but she softens at the sight of those familiar eyes, bright with anger. She takes another step and he growls again, but she ignores the clear warning, getting closer until she’s squatting right in front of him.

He makes a whimpering noise, looking away from her, eyes closing in an attempt to pretend she’s not there.

Jimin had been so hurt, is still so hurt when YN looked at him without saying a thing, so hurt when she broke his heart. It was worse than any pain he felt before. He’d left in a blind wave of hopelessness with the realization of something he’d kept suppressed for years.

He’s truly unlovable, isn't he? How could he delude himself into thinking someone as sweet, brave, so fucking perfect as YN could ever look at him the way he looked at her.

So why is she here? Why, when he’s already accepted that nothing good was meant for his pointless life.

“Jimin,” she whispers, almost like she’s afraid being too loud might shatter him.

It just might.

“Go away. Leave me alone,” he whispers, exhausted.

He’s tired. He’s so tired of being kicked around by the world. He doesn’t have the energy to stand up against it anymore, to fight against it.

YN doesn’t pay his words any attention, arms looping around his thinning waist, pulling him closer to her, laying her head on top of his bony shoulder.

“It’s my fault, Jimin. Mine. God, it’s not what you think. Not at all. I - I just thought your heat was making things fuzzy for you, that all of your words and actions were just consequences of that. I thought that the two of us had no business being anything more than friends to each other, that nothing could ever work out, that you’d come to resent me in the future. But Jimin,” she laughs slightly, pulling herself closer to him, “Living without you is hell. Being without you is hell. You’ve made me realize how beautiful the world is. It must be, for someone like you to live in it, for you to be alive and breathing the same air, for you to be there, holding me in your sleep, for your laugh to be the most heavenly sound I’ve ever heard, for your smile to make any shitty day a million times better. My life is better with you in it, Jimin, so much better that I can’t go back to living without it. And I’m sorry I’m so shit with feeling and I’m making it complicated but - I guess what I’m trying to say is -”

There’s a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob as the hybrid’s arms wrap around her as well, squeezing so tightly she can hardly breathe. But it’s the noise, the noise she loves so much to hear, dusting across her neck.

“You’re an idiot,” he says, nuzzling into her.

“I know,” she replies, tears gathering in her eyes.

“But I’m an idiot too,”

“I know,”

“And I’m so in love with you,”

She cries as she kisses him, hands tangling into his knotted hair, his warmth seeping into her.

She doesn’t feel so cold anymore.

-----------------------

A/N

I want to thank you all for going down this journey with me, for reading my little story and hopefully feeling something. Thank you to those who commented, sent asks, liked, reblogged, and those who did none of those things, but still took the time out of their lives to read Sanctuary. This story has a special place in my heart.

Don’t worry, this won’t be the last of it you see, I promise!

Love you all! 

[headspace-hotel]

That racism post is so stupid, I'm so sick of idiotic white women getting together to define racism and how it should be written about. Shut the fuck up and stay in your lane. If black men started talking about how to define sexism you would be out with the nooses but you can talk about how racism is perpetrated by good people who deserve redemption. Fuck you.

First of all, I posted an ask meme earlier that was like “send me a callout post about myself” (obvi expecting jokes) so I seriously hope I’m not simply missing the nuances of online humor. 

Im guessing youre referring to the post about moralistic standards for fiction writing. I didn’t mean the post as any kind of defense of racists or racism; I want that made clear to everyone. Rather, I feel that portraying racist people as abhorrent, one-dimensional caricatures so that no one mistakenly sympathizes with them or is unclear on whether they’re “supposed to” be bad is a disservice to readers because it keeps white people from recognizing racism in their own family members, selves and communities. I notice a belief that nice or well-intentioned people cannot be racist. I used to believe that kind of thing myself. If racism in fiction is not allowed to be multidimensional, appear “nice”, or occur in people that are “good” and “kind,” it seems to me that it would fail to have relevance to real world racism. There’s a place in books for straight-up Nazi’s, but it’s people whose racism is more “palatable-looking” that make Nazis comfy and that’s why I see the excessive moralism in books as having the potential to actually hobble helpful conversations about racism. 

 I did not mean to humanize or make sympathetic racism. Racist people have families and dogs and feelings, like everyone. It DOES NOT mean they are not racist. Just being “nice” doesn’t make a person not racist. But if a racist character cannot *have* sympathetic traits, it allows the white members of the audience to detach themselves totally from the character’s behavior and think to themselves, “Well, I’m not like that.” In that way racism becomes something that “bad” people do, and no one thinks of themselves as “bad.” I can’t see racism dying within our lifetimes if all but the most extremist white people are unable to acknowledge it exists in them. There’s a reason why Nazis are growing more numerous, and the reason is that the people who donate to charity and are “nice” but are like, “Hey, we should hear this guy out instead of just dismissing him” are growing more numerous. 

On redemption: I think this word is so controversial because it’s used to mean “everything this character did is okay now.” That’s why you talk about characters “deserving” to be redeemed; this definition of redemption requires us to think, “Are this character’s actions okay enough to excuse?” 

I don’t consider Severus Snape’s arc, for instance, is a redemptive arc. He did awful stuff, and then he did good stuff. That’s not a redeemed character, that’s just a multidimensional one. 

In my perception, redemption requires a character to 1) realize what they did was wrong, 2) work to amend it.  This doesn’t just mean “do a good thing after doing the bad thing” or “not be ALL bad.” It means the character is trying to rectify the damage of their previous behavior because they realize that it was harmful. They might still face consequences. 

It’s fine to believe racists can’t or shouldn’t be redeemed, but this viewpoint conflicts heavily with the idea that white people should try to confront their own racism. I am told that I, as a white person, must figure out how to suss out and deal with my own internalized racist viewpoints. In the same breath, I am warned against portraying racists as complicated, human, or redeemable. I am wary of deeming myself as Not Racist because I know that most likely, I’m not. Like considering the job done just seems not-right to me. However, viewing myself as irreparable due to the likely existence of some deeply held racist viewpoints seems to negate any use at all in trying to get better. If racists cannot or shouldn’t get better, why should I try? More importantly, how? 

This is a complicated job, I know. I know. If we’re not careful, we’ll end up creating a racist character whose sympathetic nature makes their racism more palatable. That would do great damage, and from what I’ve heard these characters already exist quite a bit. However, there has to be a way to show a character overcoming their biases if that happens in real life. If we prevent the process of realizing one’s own prejudices and trying to get better from being shown in fiction, I am not sure how we expect it to happen in life. If we prevent “nice” racists from being in fiction, I’m not sure how we will be able to easily recognize them in life instead of just thinking, “Racists are bad and evil people, and this person obviously isn’t like that, so we shouldn’t call them out for racism!” One-dimensional portrayals of racism are going to make sure people know for sure that racism is bad, but they’re also going to make it much harder to see in life and in themselves, and thus much harder to do anything about. This is what I meant by the general message that dictating or preaching harms the message of a book. 

I see the message “educate yourself and unlearn your prejudices” or some variation probably ten times a day on social media. And yet I don’t have many resources (there are a few books, but I don’t have money right now to buy books, or a decent library), or even a model or point of reference for how that process is supposed to work. Just the command to do it. It’s not shown in media, probably due to fear of the complexity and the many ways it could go wrong. 

Like i said, I’m open to criticism and perspective, and I hope i didn’t do unintended harm.