#you don't need to be 'weird' and 'strange' to be valid or interesting

[starrynightarchive]

it makes me want to tear my hair out when someone mentions that platonic relationships need to have sexual/romantic undertones to be interesting. friendships that blur the lines between romantic and platonic is great, friendships that have sexual relations are great, any kind of friendship is great. but these days im seeing this awful thought of "friendship needs to not be strictly platonic to be interesting and platonic" and people don't realise that this is just "friendships are less important than romantic/sexual relationship" in a different font. im very intense about my friends and each of my relationship with them is different than the other. one of my best friends is also almost like my partner. another one of my best friend is just my best friend. there is nothing romantic or sexual orientation whatever between us. i love both of them dearly and one relationship here is not more important than the other to me. i smile so wide my face hurts when i see her walking towards me. we used to live a few streets away and yet everytime i saw her i used to run to go embrace her. i have seen them in their lowest and they have seen me in mine. i do not want to kiss her on the lips or make her my girlfriend. the thought has never crossed my mind. but she has saved my life multiple times. she is a part of my soul. she is my friend. and if you say "yeah, that's what i mean, that emotion and its intensity is inherently romantic!" then that means you haven't experienced the height of love and care friendship can offer and im so sorry for your loss. also you are subscribing into the inherently harmful thought of "everything that is intense and meaningful is romantic". like my wonderful friend vik once said, "they're not my just anything. they're my friends."

[enkays-den]

Enkay Watches the Imp and Skizz Podcast #127 (featuring @joehills)

First of all, if you are not watching Joe Hills on either youtube or twitch, DO IT!!!! He's streaming pretty much every day and the conversations are always so interesting and he has the best little windows into the workings of Hermitcraft. Folks will pop by and have super interesting conversations with him! He's one of my favorite hermits and I think his unique way of experiencing minecraft, life, and hermitcraft is something that deserves more eyes on it, because I know people are sleeping on him.

First off, THIS is how you show up to the Imp and Skizz Podcast! Classy, on brand, and unique!

I love Impulse's little nest of pillows, he's so cozy nestled in there, holding his mandated amount of water like a security blanket

I love that the reason they wanted Joe on was to talk about the coup SPOILERS: they never even touch on it

joe's dad being a logician makes so much sense tbh

"a creationist universe where god wants you dead and i play minecraft like a greek hero idiot" is such an amazing way to talk about super hostile maps

HOW IS IT THAT JOE AND SKIZZ BOTH HAVE EDGAR ALLEN POE ANECDOTES OFF THE DOME

Joe having his wedding taking place during the recess of a vehicular manslaughter trial feels so strange and yet so Joe

JOE HILLS FULL NAME DROP?????

"YOU'VE GOTTA BE JOE KING" okay he mentioned on stream that there was a joke that maybe two people would get and I will proudly claim to be one of the two.

"fighting to become an artist" is so validating to Skizz's journey so far. It's gonna be his year anniversary of being a hermit soon and im gonna get emotional about his path this last year

Joe WOULD put on the Scottish Parliament sessions as background noise, love that

"I don't trust any platform with my art. I'm the one that makes the art and the audience is the one that appreciates my art" "I need to be as platform/brand agnostic as possible" "next time Amazon does something terrible to the unions" 👏👏👏

CHEERS REFERENCE, SKIZZ'S SITCOM BRAIN IS ACTIVATED

talking about his streams like a bar and like,,,,, he's so smart about the role of creators and fandom and i just appreciate joe so much

it's funny that they're shocked about the relationships can be formed within fandoms when like,,,,, that's how they met tango

((also if we talk regularly and read this i love you guys <3))

skizz, the worst chat reader ever i love you

i need hermitcraft standup. please. custom texture snowballs as tomatoes or flowers to throw

thinking about a younger skizz using a tape recorder to record his 'genius ideas' and quotes he likes and annoying the crap out of his friends

YES JOE AND SKIZZ TALKING ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF COMEDY AND THE STRUCTURE, THEY'RE SUCH AN INTELLECTUAL DUO

I'm glad that we got to hear Joe's JFK impression

COURT CASE TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Bdubs will only let Doc win if it's funnier for doc to win, because that's how guilty doc was"

Joe quoting Sun Tsu and then going on the stand and said "Your Honor, Your Highness, my client is a baby" in an asymetric star trek dress, that's the Joe Hills Difference

"DELICIOUS" skizz i love how schadenfreude you are

"FIVE DIAMONDS PER F TIER BOOK???" impulse my favorite wet cat

"I'll make one sale every two months" and also implying that the shopping district has property taxes

the delivery on "two. some people say four" was SLICK

TUMBLR MCYT SEXYMAN POLL MENTION

"tumblr defines sexyman to mean 'most bizarre, cryptid, creepy thing' " not wrong there.

"well scar is obviously going to win the sexyman competition"

"once i found out that it's for weird, cryptid energy, I knew "oh nevermind I'm gonna win this"

joe hills is my favorite weird guy and he deserved to win

cleo as our nonbinary icon placing third place in the tumblr sexyman poll

All in all, fantastic podcast, and not long enough imo. I hope Joe gets to be there in person one day like he originally envisioned, and there's just an untapped well of information that could go into future podcasts

Reminder that you should subscribe and follow Joe!

BONUS, edited by me, please credit if you use it, I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE you to use it (original screencap under cut):

[yandereunsolved]

You're My Cult Leader - ,, yandere Kai Anderson

tw(s): yandere themes, Kai fuckery, graphic gore, suggestive themes, Kai threatening to cross your boundaries, descriptive depictions of anxiety and panic attacks, self harm, (Kai) glorification of self harm, talks of mental hospitals & mental illness, demonization of medication & mental health (influenced by Kai), baby trapping

ꨄ︎ He found you by pure accident. He was scrolling through Reddit on r/AITA when he found your account. You were asking if breaking up with your partner after they had a mental breakdown and pushed you down the stairs made you a bad person or not. Interest sparked in his mind. If you were this insecure that you had to get validation from others when your ex was clearly in the wrong, you must be easy to manipulate. He wanted to see more of who and what you were, so he hacked your accounts. He didn't do anything more than scroll through him and store your information and passwords marked 'Serpent' on a file put on a hard drive he keeps of all his cult members. He keeps it just in case they try to betray him. They wouldn't dare go against him if they knew he had all of their skeletons locked in his closet. 

ꨄ︎ He marks all of his files with the names of mythical animals. All cult members go under one large file named 'Serpent'. In his inner circle, he has another file named 'Sphinx'. As he learns more about you, he compiles an entirely separate file just for you. He names it 'Phoenix'—an immortal bird that cyclically regenerates, obtaining new life by rising from the ashes of its predecessor. He even begins referring to himself as Phoenix when around his other members. Of course you don't know him; you two haven't even had a conversation yet, but you are already part of his cult. It was just a matter of putting a few more things in place to have the perfect meeting.

ꨄ︎ What he didn't expect was to actually begin to form an attraction to you when he had his little 'excursions' with you, stalking you wherever you went. He resents this. You aren't worth his time and attention. He is the divine ruler, a being of divinity. You are just another lamb to be slaughtered within the confines of his cult. Yet he notices how wide your hips are, how good your medical history is, and how motherly you are. He stores it away in his mind. You'd be a good possible womb to store his messiah baby in. He does need the best genetics. It doesn't matter if you are afab or amab; you are having his baby.

ꨄ︎ He introduces himself to you after you had a shitty day at work. He invites you out to your favorite cafe. Huh, how did he know? He knows everything about you. Including what you do in the privacy of your bedroom when you think no one is looking. He speaks to you like an old friend or a lover. You two really seem to have a genuine connection. He's a smart guy, 135 IQ; he toured in Iraq; and he graduated with a double degree. Not to mention, when he stood up and stretched, you could see his muscular physique underneath his gray sweatshirt and joggers. Now you want to know more about him, see him more, and get the validation you crave because you have been starved by others. Just as he planned.

ꨄ︎ It's so strange that after that, the people you hated most started disappearing. It was all over the news. People started seeing you as bad luck. Some people thought you were just a serial killer who hadn't been caught yet. Others thought it was because of some twisted secret admirer of yours. They would both have reasons to think that. The bodies came up in parts. Each on the bed in their bedroom. They were cut into chunks and placed to make little hearts. First, there was nothing else. Then the killer got bolder with the weird smiley face drawn in blood. Eventually, the killer or killers had another collective sign off: 'From F.I.T.— your divine ruler.'

Not even the police would touch you. No one would. Only Kai was there for you in those trying times. He drove you deeper into his grasp. Not suffocating at first just so you wouldn't see it until it's too late—like a boa constrictor constricting around its sleeping prey.

ꨄ︎ He offered you a place to stay and promised to protect you from the evils of the world. He makes you as scared of the outside as possible. Think of all the horrors out there. Can you not see the killings all over the news? Can you not realize that the country is being flooded with dangerous people? Are you so unaware that someone could slit your throat if you so much as stepped outside the door? Kai is there to stoke your fears, like feeding an ever-growing flame by placing more wood in the pile. He makes you so paranoid that you aren't even sure if being around him is safe. He assures you being around him is the only safe place. He subtly threatens to take his protection away if you disobey him.

ꨄ︎ You don't interact with Winter. You actually aren't allowed to. Kai expressly forbids it because he's afraid his sister might make you queer. Sure, you are allowed to look at her and maybe make small talk if she is around you and Kai, but she isn't allowed alone with you—ever. Kai just can't risk it. He knows how tempting women can be, and he can't let his precious little lamb be tempted by his sister.

ꨄ︎ He begins integrating you into F.I.T. even though you are unaware. You don't exactly know what it's called, but everyone seems to treat you kindly. Not too kindly, though; Kai doesn't want your affections to be given to one of his ungrateful, pathetic followers. This is really the first touch of human interaction you have had in months, other than Kai, of course. It's like a new breath of fresh air. You may refuse to leave the house and Kai's side, but at least you have more people to talk to. It's like torture when Kai leaves you all alone. No one else is allowed around you, not that you know that. You only know that they seem to distance themselves almost purposefully, even methodically. It's like Kai is ripping your very heart out of your chest and taking it with him when he leaves.

ꨄ︎ Sometimes it's even worse when his 'friends' are around. He acts all aloof and distant with you. He calls you slut, whore, little one, and worst of all—sweetheart. Whenever he calls you sweetheart, you know you have messed up around the others. During their meetings, you are forced to sit in his lap. Most of the time, he forces you to straddle his waist. If you speak or even squeak, he'll scold you in front of everyone. You always end up having hickeys on you the day after. You always have some sort of hickey or bruise on you. He'll occasionally kiss you on the neck during these meetings. At first, you were uncomfortable. You tried to confront him about it, and he brushed you off.

"You like it, don't lie. You like all of the attention on you. You are my little slut after all."

You wanted to argue, but he had a way of making you speechless, so flustered that you became light-headed. After that, you didn't argue much on the subject.

He doesn't actually allow you to listen, either. He makes you wear these stupid ear plugs that make you feel so idiotic. You only know he scolds you because that's when he takes the earplugs out. He calls these meetings his 'private business'. You don't press him on it because he's already done so much for you. Someone out there is stalking you. Kai is keeping you safe. It's the least you can do to stay out of business; he doesn't want you in.

ꨄ︎ If you are good during these meetings, he rewards you with an outing. You have to stay by him the entire time. That is one of the unspoken rules of being with him. However, that's not really a problem for either of you. That's pretty much the only time that you are outside. He doesn't outright say it's a 'date', but that's what it is to him. You may not know it, but you two are practically married in his eyes. He just has to train you some more. You need to be entirely dependent on him—submissive, feminine, and motherly. That's all he wants. He has given you so much. He just needs to take a little from you. It isn't that big of a deal.

ꨄ︎ You first witnessed Kai's true cruelty when he stapled that poor man to death. You pinkie promised him that you would stay by his side. You pinkie promised that you wouldn't run. So you stood there and watched, and everyone took turns stapling him in the head. The blood gently dribbled down his face, almost peaceful—in complete contrast with the monstrous act being committed. 

He made you kneel before him. He swiped a strip of the oozing blood off of the man's face. He stuck his finger in your mouth and made you lick it off. He asked if you were truly devoted to him as he planted the last staple in the back of the guy's neck. He asked again, his voice more alluring than any song a siren could sing.

"Are you completely and utterly devoted to me?"

You said yes. Why wouldn't you?

"Prove it."

He stood above you with the staple gun discarded on the floor. That night was a lot different than all the other times you 'proved' yourself to Kai. It was much more passionate and tender. You were unable to even move from your spot. It was like nothing else existed except you and Kai. It was addicting. You needed more of him, even more than before. 

It was like that night he had cast a spell on you that stripped away any personality or ideals you had from your previous life. He had broken every part of you. You were now repurposed clay. You were made into a brand new clump for him to mold with his skilled and nimble fingers. You will be his greatest creation yet, for you are completely and utterly his—forever.

ꨄ︎ However, while molding, he's careful not to be too harsh with you. In a way, it's the gentlest and most honest part of Kai you will ever see. You see the moments when he has flashbacks to those times. You get to see when his shoulders heave due to the overwhelming anxiety he feels. You see the few tears that slip from his face. Part of him feels that you have earned this part of him. Another part wants to push those feelings so deep down into the darkness of his soul that they never have a chance of getting out.

ꨄ︎ You'll only see it in subtle ways. At night, he won't force you to snuggle with him, but he'll urge you to. He'll wrap his arms around you and gently whisper about how he'll protect you from all the bad things in this world. It's true on some level. All of this is truly for you. He just can't show his love like a normal man. One thing is for sure—he promises to never be a man like his father. He shakes when he thinks about him, his muscles tightening and his breath shortening. It makes him want to hold you in his embrace forever. To kiss you like it's the last thing he'll ever know. That small and hidden part of him craves your loving touch. That part just wants to be coddled and told he's a good boy. Just telling him you're proud of him is enough for him to drag you off to the bedroom.

ꨄ︎ He makes you pinkie promise. Naturally, you have to tell him everything first—your fears, your fantasies, and how much you love him. He finally speaks a bit of his past. It's the first time you see him breakdown. The first time he has a genuine emotional response. The mask slips only for a moment, but you're hesitant. You know, sometimes he manipulates you—maybe. That's what one of the others told you before they were killed. Still, it seems real, and it feels real. You can't imagine him telling anyone else such private things. He pulls you into a hug and rocks you back and forth. He sticks his face in the crook of your neck greedily. He treats you like you'll disappear with one blink of his eyes.

"You aren't ever allowed to leave me, darling."

He's gritting his teeth, and suddenly the Kai you know all too well is back. From time to time, you can't help but wonder: How much of old Kai influenced new Kai to be so helplessly entranced by your very presence?

ꨄ︎ No part of you is hidden from him. No part of your body is left unseen or explored. There is no part of your personality that he hasn't memorized. There isn't any memory that he hasn't plucked from your head already. If you remember anything, even the most mundane, you are under strict orders to allow the words to fall from your lips—no matter what you were doing before. There are no 'boundaries', in most cases. Kai is an asshole, but he isn't that much of an asshole. If you've been a good little lamb, then there's no need to bring up painful memories. He wouldn't want his obedient servant to be plagued with fear of others in their heart. However, act bratty, and he has no qualms of making himself a new set of memories for you to gain PTSD from.

ꨄ︎ The first time his hold on you loosened a bit is something you won't ever forget. You were looking for him when you heard moaning. Meadow had gone missing earlier, and you were worried. You found her partially tied up, and your heart broke in two. Kai looked back at you with no emotion in his eyes. He simply dismissed you with a 'get out'. 

You were so horrified that you quickly packed up and ran from the house. You snatched a stack of emergency bills that Kai always kept under his mattress. You slept in some shitty motel for a few nights. You planned on escaping to another state and starting anew. If you could just get a phone, you could call someone. Yet your heart was torn in two. Those tendrils of fear were wrapped so tightly around your mind that you were paralyzed with indecision. You love him, but he was cheating on you. He was supposed to protect you from the world! You forgot the most important lesson—to protect yourself from him.

You had multiple panic attacks each day while hiding in that motel. You feared stepping out of the door. You just couldn't do it. The 'what if' was too much. You knew that, rationally, no one was going to jump out and kill you. Right? Right...? RIGHT? You couldn't even open the door. Your hand reached the knob, and yet you couldn't open it. You just sank to the floor and continuously sobbed. You couldn't stop the feeling of dread and weakness.

What was he going to do when he found you? That thought had your head spinning. Your legs just gave out then and there. It was the one question that ran through your mind like a never-ending track carrying the train of your anxious thoughts. 

You had to get breakfast delivered to your room. You had to wear your clothes for multiple days. You didn't have any toiletries except the ones provided by the hotel. You were too paranoid to even take a shower. You needed Kai. You still needed him. You couldn't even breathe correctly without him!

ꨄ︎ You finally broke down. It was like he knew you would. You went to that campaign of his. You were barely able to step outside, but the promise of seeing him made you more than eager to leave. Once you spotted him, all your fears seemed to melt away. Then you saw Meadow shoot him. Your heart broke again—she fucks him, and then she shoots him? Who the hell does this woman think she is? 

You saw her turning the gun on herself, but you beat her to it. Another woman was screaming at the both of you. She took the gun. You just kept hitting Meadow. You don't know what came over you. All the bitter jealousy and hatred from that night just came up. You let it all out on her. Eventually, you heard a snap. That same woman was screaming at you and pointing the gun at your head. You killed Meadow. You snapped her neck. You felt good, in control. A part of you even liked it.

You didn't get to mull over it because the cops arrested that woman and led you away. You rushed up to Kai, who was on a stretcher. The emergency medical responders tried to push you away. Kai grabbed your hand and pulled you down onto him. With his other arm, he dug his nails into the side of your head. He sloppily made out with you until you were pulled away.

"It was all for you, baby. Come and ride in the ambulance with me. You've been bad—and you'll atone for your sins once I get better."

Those are the words he whispered in your ear. Your mixed emotions led you to feel so much, but how could you refuse? A moth is always drawn to a flame, just like you are always drawn to Kai. Hopefully, you won't get burned again by his lies and deceit.

ꨄ︎ Once he is home from the hospital and recovering, he chastises you. He screams, pushes things, and threatens you. He can feel actual tears filling his eyes at the fact that you tried to leave him. How dare you.

"Can't you see you worthless slut!? This has all been for you. I had to get Meadow out of the way for you and for us. Yet you run off to some shitty motel and hide there? You are pathetic."

Wait, he knew about the motel? Of course he did. He just wanted to allow you to make your own choice. Sure, he was going to drag you back to him anyway, but you coming back somewhat willingly just proves the control he has over you. It feels so good to have you twisted around his finger.

ꨄ︎ He makes you cut yourself because of this. It's a punishment that he often uses. He wants you to feel what he feels when you disobey him. Sometimes he cuts you himself. He teases the burning wounds and touches them. He kisses each one of them and licks the oozing blood leaving your veins.

He sees it as just another way for him to claim you. He feels that possessive urge inside of him cool when he sees the scars you have given yourself because of him. He enjoys cutting extra deep into your skin to hear those pained whimpers escape your sweet lips. He gets even happier when you get self-conscious about them. 'No, baby, you are so beautiful with those scars.' It's just another way to control you. You have to live off that praise from him, affirming your self-harming behaviors.

ꨄ︎ It evolves into a ritual. When he gets really pent-up, he cuts you up and drinks your blood. He tells you that's the most divine thing he's ever tasted. He kisses you and makes you taste yourself. He'll swirl your own blood around in your mouth with his tongue. He'll barely allow you to breathe. It's like it restarts his mind. He's calm after. He feels like a blank slate.

He once did it in front of his cult. You were sitting in his lap. You could feel him growing more livid and tense. He pulled out a pocket knife and gently knicked the side of your neck. He licked and kissed the blood away. He promised to give some of your blood to his inner circle if they all proved themselves to him. No, they aren't going to be allowed to touch your skin. They may drink from a vial. You are dreading the day that it becomes a normal practice within the cult.

ꨄ︎ That isn't the only punishment you'll get if you severely misbehave. He isn't against locking you in the basement and chaining you up. He'll deprive you of food and water and will only give his body to you as sustenance. Later on, he builds a metal cage in the basement. He uses it both for torture and to shove you in there if you are disobeying him. The cage is much worse than being chained to a wall. If you get chained to the wall, at least he'll let you near him. If you get caged, then some random follower of his just comes down and throws whatever shitty rations in between the bars. Most of the time the food isn't even edible—mold and other infectious diseases are tainting it. The little bit of water you get is wasted when they throw it on you.

By the time you are let out, you are malnourished and touch starved. Kai always makes sure to give the most heavenly aftercare. He whispers sweet nothings in your ear and tells you that this didn't have to happen; all you had to do was behave. He gives you a bath with rose petals, and he gets out the fancy lotions, oils, and shit that he can't even pronounce. He makes sure that you have a fresh pair of clothes and the best meal one can dine on. He even took it slow with you that night. He is passionate and loving.

It's a side of him you rarely get to see...

ꨄ︎ Sometimes you want to act bratty just to see if you can get brown-haired Kai to come out and play again. It's a treacherous game. One wrong behavior, and you may end up kneeling before him, cutting yourself up for his entertainment once again. You can just do little things to manipulate him just a tiny bit. You are his well-trained bitch that occasionally loosens their collar and nips at their owner playfully. You have learned how to manipulate from the best, after all. Most of the time, Kai understands your angle, but rarely can he be tricked into misunderstanding your true intentions. 

ꨄ︎ Accidentally getting hurt can be one way to possibly soften him up. Although you do have a half chance of just being called a clumsy bitch by him. If it is someone else, accidentally or not, hurting you, not even the deities from the highest of heavens can save that person. He'll either beat them to death in the moment or plan their slow torture and subsequent death in the cage downstairs. After taking care of the filth, you may see a little bit of brown-haired Kai. He'll take care of any cuts or bruises and kiss your temple. You may or may not have paid that asshole five bucks so they could push you on the pavement and threaten you. You were scared to death that Kai would realize what you were doing, but it was more than worth it.

That's just one way that you can manipulate him into letting brown-haired Kai come out and play. 

ꨄ︎ Another one is if you cook for him. If you make him a good manwich, dressed up all pretty with an apron on, he is melting inside. He has this starstruck and dopey expression on his features. It's quickly replaced by indifference, but he is elated internally. If you bake, then all bets are off for cult leader Kai. He's oddly sweet when tasting your sweets because it allows him to regress back to a state of almost childlike innocence. It reminds him of when his mom would bake things with him and teach him to bond with him. His father always thought it was making Kai soft and a sissy, but he refrained from making those comments most of the time.

When you bake those sweets, it's like a positive trigger for him. He'll take a bite and wrap you up in his arms. He'll gently pepper kisses on your face and compliment your skills. A little bit more of brown-haired Kai comes out. He almost seems shy, nervous, and unconfident. Kai doesn't even realize he is acting like this. He just feels safe, like he is home.

ꨄ︎ He puts tracking chips in all of your things after your first attempt to leave him. Anything and everything has some sort of chip in it. He secretly enjoys hand-sowing the chips into all of your clothes and undergarments. It feels so oddly intimate to him. It's just another way to claim you as his. It makes him feel all giddy inside. All the chips are waterproof and extremely durable. He has access codes to all of them and can connect to them through any device he has. If you try to escape one too many times, he will chip you on your inner thigh. That way, he can casually rub his hand over your plush thigh and press his thumb right over where he implanted the tracking chip. It's his favorite way of reminding you that you have no way out—no possible escape from his binding grasp.

ꨄ︎ It doesn't stop there, no. He puts cameras everywhere. Some are in hidden places; others are not. He enjoys just flipping through the cameras on his phone while listening to some idiotic citizen complain about something miniscule for the thousandth time. You were wearing his clothing, just sitting in your shared bed and watching your comfort show. You were enjoying yourself with that innocently lewd expression adorning your now placid features. You just seemed like such a cute house spouse. He may have to excuse himself and go take care of a problem. What? You're just being so good for him. It makes him swell with pride.

ꨄ︎ If you are good enough, then he may allow you the privilege of having internet access. Of course, he is monitoring it. When he is in a good mood, he will act like he is your sugar daddy. Which he technically is, because he pays for everything and you are physically incapable of stopping him. Your wishlist is his. He keeps a list in your file about the types of gifts you like. 

You may just occasionally be surprised with the same exact thing that you had favorited awhile ago. You know it's always Kai doing it because he always buys some lacy or risqué for you to wear. He gifts you; you gift him with your body. Lingerie is just human wrapping paper, after all. He enjoys the present under the wrapping the best. 

He also scrolls through the media you watch. Any political content has a parental lock on it. It has to be approved by him before he allows you to watch it. If there is something intriguing that you decided to watch when you thought you had privacy, Kai may just barge in and ask if you'd like to recreate it.

ꨄ︎ If you get a period... Kai will track it. He will always make sure you have the right period products, foods, and medication. No, nuh uh—he swears he isn't doing it because he just genuinely cares and doesn't want to see you in pain he didn't cause. He's doing it because he can't have the future parent of his messiah baby harming their womb. It wouldn't be responsible if the divine ruler didn't treat your fertility with the respect it deserves. 

You're probably a lot luckier if you are able to get a period. He's a lot more lenient with you. He'll allow you to have mood swings and crying fits. He'll let you eat all the chocolate and sweets you want, as long as you eat the balanced meals he provides. He'll treat you like a god(dess) during that time. When no one is around of course. He completely focuses on your happiness and pleasure during that time.

ꨄ︎ When he gets arrested, you have another panic attack. You had finally settled into a comfortable routine with him. You had succumbed to Stolkhome syndrome. You were just content with it. Your anxiety and fears were still higher than ever, but Kai protected you from all the bad things. Now, the bad men want to take him away from you? You get interviewed many times. You refuse to speak. They call you a victim of his manipulation. They see your scars, and after a doctor gives you a physical examination, they conclude that Kai is an absolute monster. They had to give you anesthesia for the physical examination. It was the only time you talked with any of the police or detectives. It was more like shouting than talking. You thrashed, twisted, and turned to escape them.

In this way, it just proved that Kai was right. They said you were brainwashed by him. No, you weren't. Kai saw the truth in the corrupt institutions. They violated your boundaries for no good reason. Kai violated your boundaries, but for good reasons. You deserved it when he crossed them.

ꨄ︎ They declared you mentally unwell and put you in a mental hospital. You went willingly only because you wanted to be away from the scary people. You only got newer and scarier people. They made you strip, and you had to be constantly watched. It made you yearn for Kai's safety and control.

You lied to get out of it. You said that you were scared to cooperate at first. You weren't brainwashed by him. You were only acting like it because you feared him. They believed you, and within a month, you were out of there. They put you on anxiety and anti-depressants. They urged you to also get a therapist to work through your trauma.

ꨄ︎ You disregarded them. You didn't need therapy! You didn't need some bullshit medication! That's what Kai always said. The medication and psychologists were just there to warp your mind. They aren't there to help you. They are there to make you conform into what society believes is 'mentally well'. You just have a little problem. It's all just fake. Kai would tell you if you had problems. He helps you out. He keeps you safe. He'll tell you what to do.

ꨄ︎ You helped him escape prison. Naturally, it was hard to get in to visit him because some of the guards had heard whispers of what Kai had done to you. With a little bribe, you managed to secure a monitored conversation with him. He threatened the guard, and suddenly your conversation wasn't monitored anymore. Kai was so unbelievably proud of you. He was so proud of how loyal you are. He rewarded you for such a good job. He remarked you with hickeys and bruises, so people know who you belong to once again. He possessively rubbed circles into your inner thigh over your tracking chip. You wouldn't let the bad men take it out, and because of a lot of red tape, they legally couldn't do it without your consent. It just made him ready for another round. How did he get so lucky to have a person like you who loves him so dearly? A lot of abuse, manipulation, and Stockholm syndrome.

ꨄ︎ As you sit on his lap in one of the visitation rooms, he formulates a plan with you. Soon enough, you are dressed in a guard's uniform and stressed out of your mind. You were barely able to help him escape. Your hands were shaking the entire time. You must have taken over half of the bottle of that stupid anxiety medication just to get through it. You were a little out of it and threw most of the pills up after. 

Kai had to punish you for taking medication you weren't allowed to. He just worries about you, okay? They almost got his little lamb. He couldn't have your personality numbed by any 'medication'.

ꨄ︎ It all climaxes when he confronts Ally while she is running for senator. It was all such a blur. One moment they were arguing, and the next Beverly tried to kill Kai. You managed to tackle her and wrestle the gun out of her hands before she shot him. You got shot instead, in the gut. The next few months are extremely hazy for you. You kept going in and out of a coma. When you awoke, a lot had changed in Kai's world, but you remained ever-present.

ꨄ︎ You learned that Winter was gone. You didn't feel much. You didn't get to learn the details of it. It could have been way before you were even aware. Kai always kept you out of the loop about those things. He said it was to protect your pretty little head. You listened to him. You'd always listen to your divine ruler. Kai managed to slander Ally and turn everyone's opinion around. Suddenly, Ally was the one who had abused you and fed you all these lies about Kai. She was arrested and sentenced to death. Beverly met a worse fate. She was brutally mutilated in the same way that your, you forget, you had a stalker once—didn't you? You can't exactly remember.

You know Kai had a hand in it. He always has a hand in everything.

You learned that he truly was a cult leader. Your memories were so repressed and damaged that you were unable to connect the dots. You were overjoyed that Kai won the senatorial seat. He was heading towards the presidential seat next. With that, he had you married. A ring on your finger, forever. A divine ruler did need his spouse. It is crucial.

ꨄ︎ He made sure that you recovered and were right by his side while campaigning. He had a book ghost written for you about how evil Ally Mayfair-Richards was and how a vile feminist cult twisted your mind. Most of it was just sugar-coated lies. Kai's abuses were in there, but they were all said to just be minute things that Ally spun into a defaming web of lies.

He campaigned with you and made sure that all of your clothing was appropriate. He only let you show your scars when it would win him polling points. He still wanted the cutting to be just a you and him thing. He didn't need the press to see the fresher scars and cuts and run a slander campaign against him.

His possessiveness did occasionally overpower his need to dominate the world. He would always keep a hand on your waist, have at least one eye on you, and scare anyone off that tried to get too close to you.

ꨄ︎ It climaxed when he realized he needed to push family values. So he announced your pregnancy during an interview on some right-wing news platforms. You were understandably confused. You aren't pregnant. Kai plans on fixing that. All day and night, he is trying to fill your womb. He is so desperately making it so you will have his heir. Part of it is just publicity. Another wants his messiah baby really badly. He needs to baby trap you so you don't ever leave him. He needs to ultimately mark you as his. What better way than a child? The miniscule brown-haired part of him just wants to be a better father than his own. He just wants to be a better husband for you than his father ever was. He wants to make his mama proud, wherever she is in the afterlife. You wouldn't deny him this, would you? You've already given him so much. Just a little more, and he'll be satisfied. To think this all started with your silly little Reddit post. 

.ೃ࿐ -ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- .ೃ࿐

⟿ taglist: @coentinim @bluerthanvelvet444 @cxndiedvi0lets @doll3tt33 @lacucarachapisser @etheral-moon @fear-is-truth @slutforgarlogan @newwavesylviaplath @fuckedbykai @violet1737 @marchsfreakshow

.ೃ࿐ -ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- .ೃ࿐

[philomaela]

The Rhaenyra/Laenor marriage is very fun to think about imo, because like it's such a mess of power play and yet it reads as oddly balanced to me?

He's the husband so he should have more power than her, but she's the princess of dragonstone, so she outranks him. He's marrying into her dynasty, but she needs him to keep her inheritance (since her father threatened to disinherit her if she didn't go through with it). He's gay and she's a woman having an affair, both of these things are scandalous and seen as a betrayal of their society's genders norms but their marriage is already a weird betrayal of gender norms?

I personally feel like theres some evidence that their marriage was actually a great success on a personal level, just not at all by the standards of their society and not at all in the way their parents intended. What I mean by that is... Rhaenyra clearly didn't want to marry Laenor but she was forced to by her father. We don't know Laenor's feelings on the matter, and I think in some ways it's easy to not consider his feelings at all. Or to simply consider him some hapless victim, forced into a marriage he didn't want and then equally forced to acknowledge children that weren't his. What I think back to is how when Rhaenyra bestowed her favor on Harwin Strong, Laenor laughed and did the same thing with Joffrey Lonmouth. This is framed as a scandalous little moment in universe, but I feel like it symbolizes how Rhaenyra and Laenor are on the same level with each other. They don't want to be married to each other, they certainly aren't romantically or sexually interested in each other. And strangely... this unites them (will get to that in a little bit).

Laenor remained at High Tide after the wedding while Rhaenyra remained at court (and later Dragonstone, after the situation with Alicent became worse). Certainly I think Laenor had very valid obvious reasons to not want to be at court what with Criston Cole being named the queens protector after killing Joffrey Lonmouth. But again there’s something interesting here where there’s a parallel/understanding with his wife in how they act apart from each other. He takes up with Qarl Correy and Rhaenyra takes up with Harwin Strong. When Rhaenyra starts giving birth to brown haired children, Laenor raises no issue and in fact seems very happy with these children, given how badly he wishes to name one of them Joffrey. Notice too that he's overruled in naming them Joffrey by Corlys, not by Rhaenyra who also seems to love her children fiercely.

I think what I'm getting at in this, is that you could interpret Rhaenyra and Laenor's actions, not as those of a couple who hated each other, but as those of a couple who were actually very united in their goals. Look at it this way, their marriage is arranged by both of their fathers. Rhaenyra is strong armed into the marriage, Laenor is at the very least indifferent to it, though he may have been forced into it as well. Despite both fathers seeming somewhat indulgent, this is a marriage arranged expressly for the benefit/ambition of Viserys and Corlys and their political ambitions, not for the personal comfort of their children. Afterwards, both children remain within their respective fathers homes (under their power) and they carry on affairs under their father's noses, in a way that seems to flout and disrespect the marriage their fathers worked so hard to set up. Point being, there's an interesting lens where Rhaenyra and Laenor living apart and carrying on affairs is actually a mutual "cuckolding" of their fathers rather than each other. Viserys and Corlys express ownership over their children's sexuality by forcibly marrying them, Rhaenrya and Laenor express their agency by taking back ownership of that sexuality and in doing so, actually have a very happy marriage. See again Rhaenyra not only having children with Harwin Strong, but Laenor attempting to name them Joffrey... we're talking about Jacaerys and Lucerys, the future heirs to the Irone Throne and Driftmark. Again, there is this subtle push-pull for control, not between Rhaenrya and Laenor but between Rhaenyra/Laenor and Viserys/Corlys.

To be clear, none of this is saying Viserys and Corlys were just these evil monsters who actually hated their children and only used them for politicking. They were clearly portrayed as men of their time (TM) doing of their time (TM) things. They honestly both appear relatively indulgent, considering they pretty much fall in line with the state of Laenor and Rhaenyra's marriage after the fact. Viserys is certainly very proud of Rhaenyra's children ("one day this will be your seat lad") and Corlys... as much as giving them Velaryon names is a sign of control, it can also be viewed as a sign of pride and he does acquiesce to the third child being named Joffrey. In fact, I think you could argue that this flouting of societal norms could only be done by children who, though strong armed by their fathers in one thing, were ultimately reassured of their position and their fathers love.

[dreamtydraw]

Hi ! Can you tell us more about what kind of dynamic Corvus has with the other LIs if you played their route ?

okay so i took to play everyone's route ( except Cirrus chapter 2 ) so I can finally answer ! I'll start from the worst relationship to the best relationship Corvus has with the Lis ( fun fact you can notice how comfortable they are with them based on how much Corvus is willing to show their appearance )

For starter Corvus fear Cirrus like a wild rabbit would fear any predator. They are NOT comfortable around him because of the fact he's showing up as a sort of superior authority that makes them feel extremely vulnerable and because they constantly fear that someone could use them, the gut instinct of fear push them to AVOID Cirrus. If I want to explore Cirrus route I would make up another character because this two are not compatible.

Now Oleander and Corvus is a particular relationship- There isn't more honest than someone who dislike you and Corvus dislike him, more precisely they dislike how amused he seems to be from their torment. This weird relationship of hate is mixed with a sour strange need of validation, Corvus despite their inner monologue of discomfort do enjoy Oleander's company and is willing to offer more loyalty than they claim they would. I don't really know how Oleander view this relationship as for now I kinda have a hard time understanding his personality, so maybe i'll develop it once I have a better grasp of who he is as a character.

Francesco is a breath of fresh air for Corvius. They abandoned their whole guard because their heart wants to believe on a stranger kindness and they genuinely enjoy spending time with him, it helps forgets about death. Even if their motive aren't all pure hearted, Corvus do see in Francesco a friend. They like the way he approach the world and his strange mannerisms. The relationship is ambiguous as they both share mixed signals of interest but as for now ( so beginning of the story ) it's casual on Corvus side ( but I do hc the theorie that Francesco might know mc from outside the mountain and already likes or have stronger feeling toward them than we know. So he surely like them way more than platonicaly and is overjoyed to spend time with them. )

Now let's dive straight for them, hey should make out- that the understanding everyone around them have of what Corvus and Keir relationship might be. The worst situationship to witness, they both fumble at each other attempt to take that step in the relationship and the slow burn is a bit too burning for how slow it is.

Now outside of the romantic aspect, I do like their relationship in the fact they don't really share the same morals but respect the one the other share and are open to understand it. It's rare to find someone who you feel at ease despite your difference and it offer instant where you can see things from another point of view. Corvus is literally an enjoyer of material collections who do not want to be seen as kind for the fear of being used by others while Keir does not find interest in owning more than necessary + actively do goods to help others. They complete each other in a way that don't stop them from being who they are individualy and I swear to god i am a big sucker for Moon and Sun themed pairing okay-

Also on a more developed part but Keir's route is the most fitting route for Corvus because it force them to go against one of their insecurity which is the idea of being used + not having any worth. In this branch of the story Corvus find a purpose and something that makes living worth it when they enjoy the fruit of helping a community.

Thank you for reading this far ! It's not super detailed but that really because I wait for more materials / understanding of what I could use from the game to build Corvus relationship with the lis !

[fizzigigsimmer]

Thoughts on a scenario where billy figures out Steve’s bi (but not necessarily realising Steve’s into him) before Steve figures out that he himself is bi?

So many thoughts anon. Lol this is actually part of the dynamic of a fic I am currently writing now. I have read a lot of fics where Billy realizes that Steve is attracted to him before Steve does... but strangely few that take it any further? Like, Billy rarely takes it beyond flip flopping over whether Steve wants him or not, due to insecurity. Which fair, lol that's often how our minds work.

But it's always interesting to me when Billy comes at it from a different angle and does a bit more detective work. Not just for the opportunities for hilarity - because what a teenager thinks is a sign of bisexuality is basically tumblr on steroids and the comedy abounds - but because of the ways it forces him to slow down and reexamine his approach. Suddenly Steve is not just the object of his desires, or the answer to his most immediate and crushing need for affection and validation. He becomes fully human to him, just like in the shower scene.

It's not the same scenario, but the underlining hurt is the same, but Billy knows what it's like to be abandoned by someone - to have his love betrayed. And I've always thought that is the underlining reason he doesn't go in hard on Steve in that moment and almost seems to be giving him a half formed peptalk by the end. And we don't see him bother Steve again until we get to the scene at the Byers house. Which was a really weird situation that he totally could have responded to in a lot of ways. But up until he actually sees Max there and realizes that Steve is trying to hide her for reasons no one could fathom being good, Billy was low key being civil to him.

And just as a bonus point, I'd argue we see the same pattern of behavior between him and Max. He's generally awful to her. Angry, volatile, big brother from hell etc. But then he sees her leaving the school upset, a boy hot on her heels locked in some kind of argument. I'm not gonna pretend to understand the totality of what is going on in his mind here, cause I'm not sure the directors do either, but suffice it to say it obviously triggers some deep emotions inside of Billy and tripes more than a few wires. And yet his approach is, yet again, strangely soft for him as he tries to explain to her why she should stay away from Lucas. That's why it takes Max by such surprise when he flips on a dime. Soft wasn't working. Soft got him dismissed. But this is obviously important enough to him to scare him, and Billy reacts to fear with what he's been trained to think strength is.

In short, I think realizing that Steve Harrington might actually be Bi, would throw Billy for a loop and we'd see more of that softer side come out. Thinking Steve might be going through some of the same things he's been through in terms of grappling with his sexuality would alter his behavior. He'd try to help and it would be just as volatile, mixed up, awkward and hilarious as you can probably imagine; but Steve would catch on pretty quick to the fact that weird and annoying as Billy is, helping is what he's trying to do and he'd have to look back on all of their interactions differently.

[all-pacas]

house live-ish blogging: paternity (still only here for the Team, sorry old men):

this is i think the only episode chase does a crossword, and he's not even shown to be good at it, and yet. chase and his lil crossword books. you'll never take this headcanon from me. he goes through one 1001 puzzles to stump you! book a month 😌

also add it to the characterization pile, we now know three things about chase: strange accent, nepohire, bad at crossword puzzles

the letter cameron wrote "as" house:

[unreadable] to first say thank you for contacting my office in regards to my son, Daniel. I am sorry […] about your son's present condition. I have reviewed the date you forwarded to my office. There certainly are some interesting re[…] Daniel's testing thus far. I also have some concerns from the CT Scans I reviewed. Although I r[…] the work of the physicians you consulted previously, I do feel it is time that Daniel met […] specialist. I feel it is imperative for Daniel to seek advanced medical treatment immediately. Often […] neurological condition, time is the patient's greatest enemy. I am unable to make appointments in my office at Princeton-Plainsboro teaching hospital. I only consult […] on patients that are referred to my office from within the hospital. I do however see patients daily […] our walk-in clinic. This clinic is designed to treat patients who need to see a physician within Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. We are unable to schedule appointments within the walk-in clinic. I am scheduled to see patients daily Monday through Friday, between the hours of 3-6 PM. Thank you for contacting my office and I look forward to consulting you and your family. Sincerely, [signed] Greg House, M.D.

i love this because it is such a bad house impression. she isn't even trying. i also love the "listen. there is no way you will get an appointment. here is where i, gregory house, will be at the clinic. every day. just show up. no this isn't sketch, i, gregory house, definitely am writing this letter."

i will forgive cameron for literally anything but "the kid is having neuro symptoms, no i did not ask if he'd had head trauma recently" is an mess for sure. like i get it's set up for the episode to happen but. that's bad. love house telling cameron good work and then IMMEDIATELY rescinding it. "you're an only child aren't you?"

"you shoved it in my face just to humiliate me" — this is actually something cameron does a couple times in s1, she takes disagreement very personally; she assumes when house thinks she screwed up in heavy that he's doing it out of personal feelings and gets really upset about it too. she is thin skinned. she does not take criticism well, at all.

(cameron is a fundamentally self-centered person. this isn't a criticism. so is house. so is half the cast. but even her selflessness tends to be couched in external validation and praise: she does want to help people, but she also wants to be recognized for it: she flees situations difficult for her, she is not as selfless as she pretends/wants to be, she is thin-skinned and advocates for patients she sees herself in (or the people she cares about in) most of all. this is not unique to her but it is something i don't see talked about much -- except for by her legions of bashers who of course mean it completely different. she's not a selfish bitch, she's genuinely selfless and giving and kind. it's just her perspective is much more limited than i think even she is aware of. house dismissing this case is an intentional slight against her, not house being house.)

anyway there's a couple early episodes in s1 where cameron is the main whiteboard writer, which i think the show stopped when they realized it was actually kind of weird to make the One Girl office secretary lmao

chase early on wins points by suggesting the kid's parents are lying, and spends the rest of the episode chasing that high lmao. he keeps checking house for answers and guessing (pretty accurately) what house wants them to say and notice. he doesn't have a clue what is happening with the patient, but i love the mix of chase's asskissing/"political talents" and perceptiveness put towards the ridiculous purpose of "impressing the boss" instead of actually doing his job (also something about how chase is a people pleaser, or at least, tries his best to be liked and say and do what is expected of him in every situation)

once again foreman is coming up with most of the ideas and doing most of the work this episode lol, although the focus on him is less intense than in the pilot (chase, if anyone, is getting the most characterization this episode, although it's mostly he's kind of dumb and a suck up). but house actually defers the treatment to him almost entirely -- something house kind of did in the pilot as well.

chase and foreman positive interaction alert!!! joking about the dna test and chase suggesting they pretend the kid has huntington's. love to see it

the kids go to house because they don't agree on the patient having MS, the resulting argument reveals that it's foreman for and cameron and chase against. foreman is wrong, but gets his way with house. i feel like this is a pattern

"[the parents] aren't suing, but i think only because chase asked them" the asskissing powers emerge fully formed from the waves--

house asking foreman if he'd like some coffee and then pouring him some 😳

chase casually sexually harassing cameron by suggesting the patient stare at her breasts lmao. like i should find it annoying but a) cameron also seems to find it funny and b) they're such cute s1 friends okay

generally i love s1 and the episodes but i do feel like this one is kind of weak. i can't really say why, it just doesn't hit for me the way most of the first half of s1 does. i think the case just kind of feels weak; the show usually does a good job connecting the patient or case to at least one of the main characters, but there's really none of that here. nor do we really learn about the characters in any way, or have a dramatic case to make up for it. might be the weakest of the first half.

[nihilnovisubsole]

have you ever toyed with the idea of making a spin-off set in the same universe as dangerous crowns?

i did a lot more than toy with it. i got about 30,000 words into a second book in the same universe before i abandoned it. i think saying "it's not the story's fault" gives the story too much credit, but it was also a victim of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

what do i mean by that? many things, some probably more valid than others. this got away from me and turned into a postmortem, so i'll put it under a cut for those who are curious:

2019-21, when i was trying to write the second book, was when i realized i had to get serious about advancing in the game industry. all of a sudden, i had to spend almost all of my free time applying and filling my portfolio with game work that wasn't romance. i got rejected a lot, which is not really motivating when it comes to doing your for-funsies writing on the weekend.

of course, we did also have some major world events around that time. those were also things that happened. i think we all felt a little strange.

i read some opinions on writing that made me existentially question many of my style and storytelling choices up to that point. some of it was about dangerous crowns itself. in other cases, it was people analyzing fantasy conventions as a whole. i'm not trying to be vindictive, like "some BUTTHEAD wrote a BAD REVIEW! NYEH!". i think many writers go through an experience like this sometime. they read something that challenges the way they've always worked, and it feels like re-breaking a bone to set it right. there's a period of pain.

on the other hand, i don't want to overplay the negativity or throw the baby out with the bathwater. a lot of people liked dangerous crowns for what it was. my friends argued that the bone was never broken, and these things i'd read were matters of taste. they wouldn't fix my writing, just make it different. they told me the real problem lay with trying to please everyone, and i should write with my own voice first and not worry about who took me seriously. it was good advice. even so, when you put years into making ice cream and readers think you made a toy car, you have to ask yourself whether you did something wrong.

but, yeah, it was also the story. when i looked at the second book through the lens of these new attitudes toward writing, it came up short. the plot crumbled under questions like, "why are they choosing this heroine?" "why does she have to be in Situation X with that character?" "why doesn't she do the sensible thing?" the answer, in every case, was "it has to be that way for the main couple to get together," and i found that unacceptable. i felt my old, self-indulgent impulse of "i want to get these two together, let's see where it goes" was no longer enough. i had to make sure i was saying something believable.

it's embarrassing to admit, but around this time, i grew very self-conscious about my approach to writing love stories and love interests. i've alluded to this a few times over the past few years, because i still haven't been able to extricate myself from it. i think it's because, when i write a couple, it comes from such a personal place - i explore aspects of myself in my female characters, and i always find something attractive about the men who fall in love with them. it's like i got hit with the cringe paddle: one morning, i just woke up and went "omg this is so weird! i have to hide it from everyone!" maybe the solution is exposure therapy? do i need to start churning out a ton of heavy ship art again? i don't know what to say except, lmao, don't be me.

where do i stand today? well, i think something would be cool, but i'd have to revisit my approach to genre and worldbuilding. that's why i keep chewing my nails over dangerous crowns. it can't be that easy - if you're doing Fantasy Rome, you have to make a caesar-sized mess. working at obsidian, where they push you not to make the comfort-food writing choice, has given credence to these concerns. so i have no idea. but we'll see!

[goodluckclove]

Hello! I’m an aspiring author and I was wondering how you got people to get invested in your story and characters?

Well first off I'd bet upwards of 30 dollars that you aren't an "aspiring writer". While I'm firmly in the camp that you need to at some point write something to be a writer, I also believe if you've ever made any attempt to write anything you're past the point of "aspiring". You're doing it, man.

Even if it fails? Especially if it fails. Most of my career is failure that's like a third of my job.

If you haven't tried to write anything yet, you can open up your word processor right goddamned now and churn out 500 words of whatever-the-fuck, and then you'll be done with the label of aspiring writer forever.

Rant aside - that's been building up for a while, but no one's referred to themselves in that way to me directly before.

Okay, so my secret to creating stories and characters that people can get invested in. Because I guess at this point I can say that I do that. My secret is going to sound really weird and kind of mean but maybe it can help other writers. Here it is, put simply:

I have a very low awareness of other people's ability to engage with my work, positively or negatively, and because of that I am hardwired to create solely for my own amusement.

Maybe it's because I was writing alone for about ten years. Don't get me wrong - I value the critiques I've gotten from beta readers. I understand the use of beta readers now. And I do love positive feedback. Oh man it's been such a pleasure being able to have people to talk to about writing, just the highlight of my creative life. But if my engagement plummeted and no one spoke to me on this Tumblr ever ever again - which I hope doesn't happen - that wouldn't stop me. I'd be sad for maybe a few days, but ultimately I'd keep posting little snippets and sharing insights on writing and doing exactly what I'm doing now.

I essentially treat my Tumblr like I did my high school WordPress, which I don't think anyone read. I still posted because I found it fun.

People talk about writing for yourself and they debate whether or not it's valid or pick-me trash. I don't get that argument because it's not really - like - optional? In my opinion? It's not the only thing you need to do, but I do believe it's a thing you need to do.

My last book is like 188k words. That's fucking long. I fully believe the reason a majority of positive feedback comes from the fact that I wrote it in full earnestness towards what I liked and wanted to see in a story. I did think of the reader, but mainly to the extent that I would want a writer to think of me as a reason. Which is mainly in creating a literary landscape that's comforting and exciting in a safe way. Because that's what I wanted to do.

I'm a deeply, deeply selfish writer by nature. Sometimes I worry about markets, or trends, or whether anyone would want to read 4-5 asexual epics where like one major plot point happens per book. But then I get distracted by something, usually writing whatever happens next, and I eventually lose interest in thinking about it. And I firmly believe if you commit to the bit to that obsessive extent - I mean, it probably won't get you commercial success. I am the wrong person to talk about gaining commercial success. But with the right marketing tactics it could gain you cult notoriety.

Frankly my whole goal in life is to be a sort of asexual John Waters type. Like just a kindly, strange, vaguely Eldritch queer with ramshackle production capabilities that just end up happening somehow. That's the dream.

[gatheringbones]

i have a question that I've been trying to puzzle out the answer for -- I've noticed that some speculative fiction takes a queer is normal approach because "in the future or since there's aliens! and werewolves! who has the time to question gender?" kind of mindset. as much as I treasure the thought of a future where different phobias aren't a thing, and I don't want to be someone who take too much pride and ego in the suffering (perhaps not the right word) I've been through and survived, it also makes me feel strange in that kind of mindset that, of course there's lesbians and trans people in space! without any homophobia whatsoever. my question is, do you think queernorm is possible in a good way in speculative fiction in a setting where it's so far in the future where idk. teleportation or cloning or body modification or cyborgs exist? regency/historical/fantasy novels tend to be set "in the past" and erasing the colonialism, the racism/xenophobia, not questioning why it's ok to murder orcs/an acceptable group of people, and then suddenly having Gays Are Perfectly Fine and Acceptable is definitely weird, considering all these other biases. But what of scifi? Sorry I'm not as concise and cohesive as I wish I was. I'm in a spot where I do read these and I do think it's fun, but it bothers me as someone whose race/transgender/homosexuality/background as an immigrant has informed so much of me that reading these things has been a war of "I should be happy for others that they imagine this future for themselves and it's all just fun imagination anyways!" vs. "this is not the future I'm sure that I want but I'm worried that I'm too attached to my identity and that's why I'm not considering this other possibility of what science fiction or speculative fiction could imagine for me"

that’s it exactly isn’t it— what’s “normal” when we’re in a speculative world where we’ve supposedly transcended all forms of normal? what’s normal in a future we haven’t seen yet?

answering that would mean looking at the quality of the relationships and the dynamics between the people inside of them and seeing how they connect to present day conceptions of normative behavior. You would have to look at how this comforting speculative world arranges power and the relationships between people with various forms of power.

in assimilationist fiction, queer people assume very specific positions in the story. Their existence summons and soothes specific anxieties crucial to the assimilationist mind— will my straight parents accept me? will my straight friends and acquaintances accept me? am I normal? is the way I love valid? Do I have to change anything about myself just because I’m (cringe) queer? can I go on about my life as a normal person who just happens to be (cringe) queer? will I be able to achieve the standard and normal markers of success for a white, upper-to-middle class, able-bodied person even though I’m (cringe) queer?

the assimilationist story will take these anxieties in hand and address them with the goal of seamlessly incorporating queerness into a heteronormative story structure with functionally no difference between queer and straight (which has the effect of making everyone seem incredibly straight).

I hear you on the taking too much pride and ego in suffering, but I want to poke at that as well— is queer difference really rooted in suffering? are our identities nothing more than wound sites? what IS queer difference and how and why must it be assimilated into heteronormativity and its stranglehold on culture? how does heteronormativity manifest in queer works and what needs does it fill for the queer creator manifesting it? what is it about heteronormativity that feels so so reassuring and interesting and good for queer writers?

it all depends on what the werewolves and aliens in your sci fi are doing, in other words— and who they’re doing it to and why. It depends on what anxieties are present in the text and how the text itself chooses to address them. It depends on the author’s relationship to queer culture and how they relate to cultural norms to begin with, because there won’t be anything like our set of norms in a speculative futuristic world, so the whole question revolves around what is purported to be normal and how the people in that world are meant to relate to that paradigm.

it’s tricky! I don’t have answers, just a whole heap of books written by queer authors who just want to fit in and make money you couldn’t pay me to read.

[caintooth]

Okay this is a little weird but I have a DID question.

I had a friend in high school who claimed to have DID. I met several alleged alters and she really would change a lot between personalities, even seeming stronger, having a higher body temp, and having different handwriting as certain alters. She also definitely had a real, terrible childhood that I could see causing her to split off an alter for protection. At the time I was about 80% convinced.

It's been years and we're still good friends, but she hasn't mentioned any alters since high school, and she has also not mentioned being able to integrate some or all of her alters, even tho we talk about mental health often. I haven't seen her be (or at least I haven't noticed her being) any of the alters I would recognize from high school. But I also used to spend almost every day with her and now I go weeks or months without hanging out with her so my sample size is smaller.

Starting a few months after I stopped seeing her every day I started to become more skeptical of her claim to have DID, because it felt a bit too much like a movie to me at the time. Sometimes I could request time with a specific alter and they would show up, but sometimes they wouldn't. It didn't seem like she was someone else without willing it, very often if ever. She had like 3 main alters when she told me about it - a protector, a little kid, and one more I can't remember and didn't see often - and she allegedly acquired a cat alter sometime after that.

I'm split about it now. I believed her for the most part at the time, because she really did seem different, but I also knew that was the kind of thing high schoolers sometimes lie about so I was always mildly suspicious. Now looking back I feel bad doubting her because if she was telling the truth, it would probably really hurt her to know I doubted her. But also that is the kind of thing high schoolers sometimes lie about! I had other friends lie about similar shit. And I haven't seen any evidence in so long and it hasn't come up in just as long.

I've always wanted to ask her about it but I don't want to embarrass her or harm our friendship which is still strong despite this question lol. I know you're not a doctor and it can be dangerous to speculate, but I just wondered what your perspective as someone with DID is?

This is such a strange thing to anonymously ask a stranger.

Are you hoping I’ll tell you she was faking? Are you hoping I’ll validate your assumptions about her inner life? What you have described is incredibly textbook for DID.

To help you understand, let me explain that Dissociative Identity Disorder presents in two ways, typically: overtly, or covertly.

An “overt” presentation is as you were describing her high school presentation— the disorder is easier to see as an outside viewer, because an “overt” presenter has (comparatively) more visible switches between alters, with (comparatively) more noticeable differences between their abilities, voices, interests, personalities, mannerisms, etc.

And so, a “covert” presentation is the opposite of this, where the disorder is not very obvious to an outside viewer at all. Switches may seem seamless, or they may seem to not switch at all. Alters do not have as many outwardly visible differences, may have similar or same voices and mannerisms, may not speak openly about their differing opinions or likes/dislikes.

DID is a disorders which forms, as you acknowledge, to protect the haver from trauma. And because the disorder is trying to protect you, it can shift between “overt” to “covert” presentation as needed.

A system may present more overtly, for example, if some alters are better emotionally or physically equipped for a task than others, if some alters are more likely to be treated in the way the system most needs at the time, if some alters have stronger interests and knowledge about a certain subject, etc. And many systems, myself included, find themselves presenting more overtly simply when they are safe and comfortable with the people around them!

In contrast, then, a system may present more covertly when it is not safe to have visible differences, and/or to help disguise the system as one person. Alters may mimic each other to help keep their differences from putting them in danger, and this can happen so discreetly that the system themself may not even be aware of switching when it happens. This being said, systems can also present covertly just because super visible differences are not needed to keep them safe / if being outwardly visibly different from one another doesn’t serve as much of a purpose as being inwardly different.

Systems can also move between these modes for other reasons besides safety and comfort, but as far as I know, those are the main two reasons. And I want to clarify that this move isn’t, most of the time, a conscious choice. The disorder kinda decides for you.

So, if your friend who once presented very overtly around you and spoke of their DID often, is now showing a much more covert presentation and not sharing details of their disorder with you… I have two guesses.

One, your friend may simply be in a different phase of their life, where they don’t feel the need to share many details of their DID with you. People can decide to be more private about things they were once open about, and there’s nothing wrong or suspicious about that.

Two… Your friend is presenting covertly around you for comfort and safety reasons. Maybe they no longer consider you a person they can openly be themselves around.

You might want to reflect on why either of these reasons might be the case. I am not going to tell you your friend is faking. Everything you described is very typical of DID and, again, I think it is very strange you would come into my ask box seeking my opinion on this, as if you assume I, and very good friends of mine, have not presented in similar ways throughout different points in our lives.

Have you considered, I don’t know— just asking about how her headmates have been doing lately? This is indeed a very weird way to handle your feelings about this.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Okay so, one weird choice the Netflix series made was making it so Aang could fly without his glider.

Which is a VERY strange choice when you consider how iconic his glider is.

They also changed "Aang ran away because they were going to separate him from Monk Gyatso" to "Aang just left to clear his head and intended to return", presumably because they didn't want people calling Aang a coward on Tiktok.

Even though, like, the entire point is that Aang WAS too young to handle the responsibility that was hoist upon him, and he ran away because they were taking away his only support.

That said, one change I do think is interesting is that they have Sozin attack the Southern Air Temple literal MINUTES after Aang leaves, and intercut shots of Sozin's forces wiping out the Air Nomads with Aang getting caught in a storm and sealed in an iceberg.

I'd need to see how much he does in action but yeah canon was pretty good at having Airbenders not truly 'fly' except for the one fucker in LoK who was a notable exception and freaked everyone out. Like it's called a 'glider' for a reason.

Re: running away:

It's weird because just.

In the original, Aang had major guilt over the fact that he ran away. It was a big thing for him. And the running away is validated by saying 'hey yeah you were a literal child who was suddenly thrown into this bullshit. Ofc you'd want to step back from it.". With a double helping of 'well if you stayed you'd be dead so....'

And like. I don't think anyone with any critical thinking skills would think that Aang running away means that he would have /kept/ running away had he not been stuck in the iceberg. Aang very clearly demonstrates in the first episodes that when he actively sees danger, he steps up to handle it.

If, in some alternate timeline, Aang didn't get stuck in the iceberg? He would've camped out for a bit before hearing of trouble and come sprinting full tilt to try and save people, even if it got him killed in the process. Hell, even without danger, I don't think he'd have done much more than camp put for a few days to think things out before the guild and responsibility to do the right thing even if it fucking sucks would kick in.

But I think that's kinda the point. Critical thinking. They have to both hammer in 'oh he would do the right thing and never abandon anyone on purpose' and also go 'oh well he's a Good Person™ so he'd never do anything selfish or anything because that's Bad™'.

[wakaposting]

I don't know if you have any strong opinions on them but either Shizuku or Tokitsugu :3

I DOOOOOOOOOOOO. looking at you with my big eyes

Shizuku

First impression: I know that Matsui-sensei gives all his characters their time to shine, so I was excited to see how he'd treat her as the story progressed. Her deadpan delivery was really endearing to me.

Impression now: I really adore Shizuku!! Her arc is such a beautiful example of so many themes that are important to this story. I can't wait to see her grow into herself and become more outspoken, and fight for her desires...! and also just experience the pleasures that life has to offer!

Favorite moment: "I want to feed your eyeball to a snake ^_^" is one of the first things she said that really made me giggle hehe. Her gambling battle against Mima is so insanely iconic and I think about it all the time.

Idea for a story: If I had to write about her... her having a vision and talking to shige post-timeskip (similar to what happens during the mima boat battle) would be interesting. whatever i wrote would probably be very quiet and introspective. i do also want to keep working on the role swap au where toki is a god of a shrine and shizuku has known him since they were very small!!

Unpopular opinion: I can imagine people would get up in arms about her relationship to toki bc she calls him 'nii-sama' lol. It's very clear that she does have romantic feelings for him. unpopular opinion i suppose is that i love her love for him, and i think it's as beautiful and valid as mima and ayako's, too, but it's also important to me that they do NOT end up together. the only answer is for him to marry all three of them or none of them tbh, lol. this is an opinion that is exclusive to nigewaka and matsui's writing bc i literally detest harem/love triangles in any other media.

Favorite relationship: I like her and Ayako trying to navigate both having crushes on waka tbh, lol. which again is a testament to how good matsui-sensei's writing is because as I said before i usually Hate this angle.

Favorite headcanon: she's weeeeeeird bro. let her be weird. i can't remember if they actually make this joke in the manga or if i made it up but she's a kid who would sit and squish ants or drown them a little bit fr (sob). i think we need to let her say strange unknowable and slightly unhinged things more often

Tokitsugu

First impression: tokitsugu freaked the hell out of me when i first saw him because at the point where he showed up, i still hadn't been able to figure out if shizuku was shige's biological daughter or not, lmao. so i was like WTF DO YOU MEANNNN HE HAS ANOTHER KID. he sent me into a tailspin trying to figure out how old shige was, too, lmfao.

Impression now: I LOVE HIM. i love him. i freaking love the suwa family so much. beautiful man and his horrible son. i love them

Favorite moment: I love when he cries a little bit and blurts out that everybody ignores him when his dad is around. it's so freaking funny. more poignant answer is when he admits to yorishige that he snuck into his bed as a child... cries forever.

Idea for a story: I really really REALLLY wanna write modern AU answer to the 'kunitoki meets shige' fic where shige introduces tokitsugu to tokiyuki. i think he'd want to be supportive. but he also is like. this is..... unusual...

Unpopular opinion: More people should pay attention to him. GIVE HIM ATTENTION!!!! I love you forever Tokitsugu

Favorite relationship: I think about him and Yoritsugu a lot. i can't imagine it was easy raising a kid like that, haha...

Favorite headcanon: in modern AU i headcanon him as not being fully blind, but having a degenerative eye disease that has been slowly getting worse as an adult :( he's a single dad and lives with yoritsugu in a rural little area maybe 45 minutes away by train from where shige lives, but his health problems have been making it harder for him to come and visit his dad.

[octosan]

Seeing that choice infographic today got me thinking about Bellara in particular and it's like, huh.

The choice they listed for the end of Bellara's questline is listed as "keep the archive spirit" vs. "free the archive spirit" and that word choice in this stripped context immediately got me thinking, like...

Wouldn't it have been more impactful if that was just, the choice? That wasn't the choice. The choice for the questline was "do you want to let Bellara keep all this desperately needed information on the ancient elves for the sake of Bellara's people, or do you want to destroy it because something something it could be dangerous in the wrong hands?"

The question is "do you think that pursuing lost culture and knowledge for an oppressed people is inherently more valuable than the risks?" which feels like a very unbalanced choice imo. Like yes, obviously, lmao why did you even need to ask Rook.

But

The game never really discusses the fact that this information is being given by a spirit, a person (to some extent) who is bound to that artifact for all eternity. It seems very strange in retrospect because in Inquisition we had concepts put forward such as "spirits being bound is wrong, they deserve autonomy even if their personhood looks different from ours" and "Corypheus is trying out rituals to cut down on a person's autonomy for the sake of acquiring the information they possess" and the Nadas Dirthalen feels like a natural extension of both these concepts, if only the spirit inside it was not just, functionally, a silly little boot-licking AI.

I don't know how it would fit into the whole Anaris thing if they did this, but I think it would have potentially been more interesting and thematically appropriate if Bellara's questline had this idea that the Nadas Dirthalen is another extension of Evanuris/Forgotten Ones slavery.

This idea that she is burdened with an unfair sense of personal guilt about her gods turning out to be tyrants, because she loved and exalted the elven empire for so long in her own research without seeing the red flags. That's not exactly. What they did but I want to charitably say that's what they were intending with her dialogue about it.

Then she is presented with her ultimate goal made manifest--a manual all about what things were like in Elvhenan, even if from the perspective of a Forgotten One. Only, by the end of the questline, she has to ask herself very seriously if she believes that having this information is worth it being at the expense of an imprisoned being. Especially if you've seen the murals that explain how spirits and elves are linked (and this just makes me feel how weird it is that Bellara's questline isn't tied tighter into the main story anyway) but even then we have characters like Spite and Manfred who could communicate personhood and autonomy in spirits.

And I think that would have potentially been a harder choice for her to make.

Now, this would have the unfortunate suggestion that destroying the archive is the "good" choice and destroying the archive is such a horrible thing to do in context dfkgkfdskfg so maybe that's why they didn't do that.

idk though, I mentioned this to a friend and they suggested the story could at least give Bellara and Rook a consolation prize to lessen it. The spirit won't be around to "consult" but in gratitude it can impart the answers to Bellara's questions directly into her head anyway--demons can already canonically do that. So here Bellara has the information she sought for so long, but it'll be harder for her people to use it and to keep it. So it's a bittersweet, but she has the validation of knowing she is not like the Evanuris or Anaris, that she is a better person than her gods turned out to be and she was rewarded for that.

Or, if she does choose to keep the spirit, it's an unfathomably huge win for the Dalish, an archive of countless secrets about the elven empire that will last forever and can be protected, already organized and archived for them... but for Bellara in particular, it comes bundled with a very uncomfortable fact she learned about herself.

It'd be a heck of a foil to Merrill's questline where she had the impossible choice of setting a demon free or letting the information it knows rot forever.

[womeninsports18]

Not to validate Horan in any way but American commentators are...not smart. They don't really talk about tactics, refuse to call "keeper timeouts" what they are, are more interested in talking about players like celebrities and repeating their ages 10 times a minute than dissecting them as soccer players.

And it's very obvious they could care less about anyone who doesn't play in the US, Canada and maybe Europe. Really just the UK, Lyon, and Barca. You can hear it in the way they talk about NWSL internationals too. It's just embarrassing.

This is exactly my point. It paints a weird image of our team and it makes them look kinda bad in my opinion. I swear they need to do tests with the commentators to see if they even know other countries players. It’s annoying to me. Like yes I like Horan but don’t bring up her personal life it’s not that hard.

With the NWSL players that are international it’s strange that they wouldn’t like to cover the player that hasn’t always played in the states to show how they add depth to the league.

[terrifyingstories]

@lingeringscars: you're a coward.

when amanda suddenly finds something interesting enough to pump the brakes on your impromptu lobotomy, dread isn't up there in the top five emotions you should feel pounding against your ribs. he'd seen the look in her eye that exact moment she'd decided he'd outlived his usefulness, but he hadn't been able to stop bargaining either. "please, please, please, don't do this! please, i can help you, there are other black boxes you need me to decrypt! i'm the engineer!" but those, despite the many times harper has made the case his skillset is invaluable, could be replaced - and any value he'd had had been destroyed right along with his hand.

not that amanda had been ever really been that impressed to begin with (she had sonya. he saw her as they'd drug him in. the weird, strangely sharp pang of sympathy he'd felt at the fear in her eyes hurt nearly as much as the kick in the ribs that shortly followed). he was here because of nikita. his value was nikita. he wouldn't give up nikita (and harper, and bellamy, and michael, who could never be far enough away to escape division's reach.)

yet, she still seemed optimistic enough - or simply desperate enough - to slow down enough to give birkhoff the chance to retreat back into his most basic nature for warmth. "you used to be such a selfish creature. now you've mutated into something entirely different." desperate is not a word he'd often use to describe amanda, but there was something heated and urgent about the press of her knee into the side of his thigh as she'd leaned inward with the needle, using her own weight as leverage for force and proximity.

only amanda would wax poetic about torture as an art form. a science. a very, very exact science. "what is it about nikki, anyway?" she'd inquired as she'd pushed the needle in deeper, and he hadn't had the clarity of mind to do anything except beg her to stop, not even think about how weirdly violating the nickname felt rolling off her tongue. "why are you so taken with her?"

harper would find that validating, probably. a supervillain for the books poking at him being in love with nikki. she was so damn sure he was in love with nikki.

harper.

"i mean, you must know michael is first in line. she could never see you that way. unless... it's not her. unless... it's not her at all." all he'd managed was gasp of pain and surprise as the needle came to a halt inside him, duct tape wrinkling as he fought every naturally occurring instinct not to move as his body shook with little care for whatever common sense he could scrape together about do's and don't's for when a giant needle is approaching your brain, but amanda had apparently taken it as confirmation. "it isn't, is it? at least, not any more. it's the newbie. the recruit. harper."

she smiled at her name, as if the realization was as delicious as a t-bone steak. even more when birkhoff let out a terrified gasp of a whimper, heart battering so hard against his ribs it felt like it would give out. her hands pulled the probe back toward her with little regard for the moans and coughing that took place once she successfully removed it and turned it to the side, temporarily fascinated by something else entirely. her now free hands went to his shoulders almost as if she sought to comfort him, expression an uncomfortable picture of fond amusement. "oh, birkhoff. you can't be serious. you make it out into the great big world and have every opportunity to leave it all behind and you let yourself get infatuated with yet another woman who will never love you."

"i always knew you were a soft fool, but i underestimated you."

her hands slid down his arms slowly, pityingly, only tightening as he involuntarily jerked from her grip, much as he could with the abysmal amount of leeway. all it earned him was a painful cough as he rammed toward duct tape fastened across his neck to keep him in place, and apparently a god awful, "oh, sweetheart," that had the same impression as a truly terrible mixture of vodka and redbull: immediately revolting enough to know he absolutely never, ever wanted experience it more than once.

she, however, grinned like a kid in a candy store, delighted by the profanity that followed. "at least you and nikita found a camaraderie when she was here. but harper... she's only ever seen the worst of you. the foul-breathed, mean instructor breathing down her neck, the very man who wiped her away from existence. i mean, i personally find it disturbing you'd even consider it. you can't tell me there isn't something truly unnerving about that imbalance of power."

she didn't seem to mind rolling in the irony of that when he choked out a weak, "oh, shut up you bitch," and she'd responded with a painful slap across the face. "you have to know she'll only ever think of you as the coward who would do anything to preserve his own life. you can't really believe she'll ever see you as anyone other than the monster who put a kill chip in her head." the tears that had begun to flow only drew her in once more, her hand reaching toward his burning cheek as if to wipe the moisture but instead forcing his chin back toward her, making him wince as the tape pulled at his skin with the movement.

it tightened around his throat as she leaned in closer still, letting her elbow dig into his chest for a sickening: "i should have used it." the temporary menacing look faded into laughter as he thrashed with all his might, the restraint on his ankle just loose enough for him to ram the bone into the surrounding titanium cuff with a horrible clang. the holler of pain that resulted, unlike the bitter taste of redbull with the kick of gasoline, wasn't enough to keep him from trying it twice, as if it could somehow reach her. "stop the theatrics. we both know you're a coward through and through. you can cover it up in the name of love all you want, but you know that person is still in there."

"oh, get some new material," birkhoff groaned as she slowly pulled back, composure perfect as ever as she slid her hands down his arms, halting at the restraints. "i'll make you a deal. i don't want your little recruit. tell me where nikita is, and i'll let her go. you two can slip off to oblivion, and no one has to get hurt. now, she'll still despise you, but you'll prefer it to the alternative."

not even when the needle had sat deep in his nasal cavity had he felt that sharp sting of fear. "which is what." he didn't mean to ask, even with such venom. didn't mean to give her the satisfaction. and yet.

"i have my men bring her back to division, and i find a way to get that little chip of hers back online. then it all gets very simple after that."

though perhaps not as simple as provoking a reaction from birkhoff, a string of threats and screaming from a chest heaving up and down violently, "you bitch! i'll kill you. i'll kill you. you'll never find her. i'm not telling you anything, you might as well go ahead and stick that skewer back up in my head, 'cause it's the closest to her you're ever gonna get." amanda must have found it kind of pathetically simple and easy, too, because she let her hands cover his - almost as if to be reassuring - with a deceivingly gentle, "oh, seymour."

"don't worry. i'm not without mercy. we were family once, after all," which he'd gag at, if not for the general state of things, and nearly does anyway. "i won't make you watch." and then she lets her perfectly manicured finger nails claw into his hands with no further delay, digging in deeper at the blood-curdling scream that results from the further assault to his smashed hand.

and once again, he ceases to be of any interest. barely has time to register amanda pulling in the machine once more, not even when the cart it sits on rolls into his chair causing another painful jolt. he only half recognizes her knee returning, this time painfully sat on top of him, letting him bear the brunt of her weight as she shifts forward - mind consumed by the needle once again pushing, pushing, pushing into his sphenoid sinus without any further delay, just seconds from reaching his skull when a door opens, pulling her focus.

he doesn't realize until after that if nikita's bargaining call had come any later, he would've been a goner - that in some perverse way, harper had saved his life (maybe that should be surprising, but of course it isn't). had amanda not been so keen to discuss her, the birkhoff they would have found wouldn't have been very birkhoff at all. maybe he should feel worse about wasting that, about not letting the redbull and vodka incident teach him anything about vodka and pills, but mostly some desperate part of him that can't stop remembering amanda or the sensation of water burning his lungs is hoping she'll save him again.

"happy. my savior," he tries to tease when she answers the phone, but it sounds all wrong, almost like a gasp for air underwater, which he feels like he is, the way he can't catch his balance, keeps almost falling - made his hand start bleeding again actually falling and trying to catch himself out of instinct.

"can you. can you talk for a minute." he does an alarmingly convincing job of not sounding horribly desperate - almost sounds a little like he's laughing, which.. he is, a little, but only because he reached for the railing on the side of the stair case and saw his hand curl around it just for it to close in on a handful of air as he takes a step down, losing his balance and almost falling face first as he reaches for it again. he manages to catch it this time and almost drops the phone as he leans out over the railing. what do they say, don't look down? he chuckles a little as he looks down at the floor below, stomach twisting uncomfortably as he sluggishly registers the danger of a potential drop. "ooof." it's good advice. yeah. good advice.

he has the good sense to sink into a crouch, even one that makes his knee ache a little - or would, if he could feel it, or much of anything. as it is, he only barely feels the sting of his hand as the blood begins to dampen his poor excuse of a bandage. "you.. you. uh busy?"

of course she is, in enemy territory - but his head is too dizzy to think about that. he looks down and he sees amanda's hammer crushing his hand. he looks up and sees a flash of lightning through a sheen of dark, angry water. he tries to refocus on something else, anything else, and ends up looking at his shoes, sluggishly and clumsily pulling at the laces before trying to retie them.

bunny ears are a bitch to do one handed, though, and he just ends up with a mess to trip over later. at the sound of her voice, though, he manages to get a solid fix on the brightness her eyes take on when she's happy, the little wrinkle of concentration between her brows when she's focused or stubborn or both.

yeah, she saves him all the time.