#you don't know how tempting it is sometimes to just post a song that i've already posted

[a9saga]

9muses - wild // because i've already posted figaro god dammit

[ophanimkei]

Goodbye My Love

warning for mental illness

​Hey! Ommatophilia is out and released! Imagine telling past me I'd be horrible sick releasing Ommatophilia, then right after I'd get the flu then a killer sinus infection. Pretty awesome. And cool. Right? Right. Yeah. Haha.

I guess I'm pretty happy with how Ommatophilia turned out. Part of me wants to do more to it and the other part of me never wants to look at it again. Spending such a long amount of time on a game is pretty exhausting haha, then getting sick and being unable to advertise the way you want to sucks as well. It is unfortunate but what can you do really? It feels weird now that it's done. I don't know if this will sound normal, but.. Ommatophilia for the past 4 years has honestly been my… everything? When I had my shitty roommates, I was still working on Omma. When I had my shitty job at PF Chang's, I doodled the characters' in my notebook and wrote down notes for the story while I worked. I'd stay up late after my shift getting game dev done because I knew I needed to make some progress or the story would never be done.

I took breaks from it, sure, but it never really left my mind. I was always rotating it around- talking about it with friends, writing about it in my notebook, thinking about things I didn't like in it, problems I'd fix, if I'd ever finish, if I'd abandon it.. The fact that I couldn't allow myself to commit suicide until Ommatophilia was finished. Honestly that's the really big one.

I've finished Ommatophilia, and like, I had all of these projects I told myself I'd tackle afterwards, but I just feel weird. It's like I can't start any of them. Usually I view smaller projects as a break from Ommatophilia or some random thing I may not finish- then I go back to Ommatophilia to fill my time, but now I'm just floating in space.

I know I can still make projects. It's fine. Meat Girl released and it's the most successful thing I've released in probably ever? I'm kinda sitting here wondering if it'll be the most successful thing I ever release? I mean, it doesn't matter, I'm so happy people resonated with Meat Girl! I literally just made that because I was miserable and needed to take a break from Ommatophilia and just had some concepts kicking around in my head.

I actually had a feeling it'd garner popularity because of the aesthetics and game jams it was in though it still exceeded my expectations. I thought I was hyping myself up a bit. It's hard having one thing be popular because you're just kinda tempted to keep doing the same stuff over and over, but logically I know that wouldn't work and also I'd rather die than let the other stories in my head die in hopes of holding on to the smallest bit of popularity Meat Girl had.. It would be shameful, and if I did that, I hope I'd wake up in some kind of hell where my characters torture me forever.

That is to say I never really expected Ommatophilia to have a fraction of the popularity of Meat Girl and the fact that I got any feedback at all is shocking. I'm very happy I could make a few people cry. That's really all I wanted. For some reason though, I think about my time with Ommatophilia and I find myself crying too.

I'm crying now actually. I hadn't realized it. When I was 17 or 18 I think.. I don't know, sometime during Covid, Adventure Time ended, and I cried so much. I didn't even like the finale that much, but I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Like I'm sobbing now. I don't know.

I'm listening to the Ommatophilia playlist and there's a song my abuser put on it for me. And this song is really important to me despite the worst person in my life showing it to me. It's the Reeling by Passion Pit. I don't know. I never really told anyone who showed it to me. I just always told people I really liked the song. Listening to it while writing Ommatophilia's post mortem hurts. It really feels like I'm leaving so much in my life behind you know.

And I mean like, I know these characters can appear in my stories forever and they will. It's just.. Ommatophilia itself.. With its character sheets I always felt frustrated with, my constant anxieties about the writing, waking up at night feeling so anxious and thinking “I guess I'll develop Ommatophilia since I can't sleep..”

What do I do now? I mean I know what I do? But. This was it. All my childhood dogs have died. My childhood best friends aren't in my life anymore. Music doesn't sound the same. Food doesn't taste the same. Adventure Time is over. I always had Omma. I could always go back to it. But now it's over. I didn't realize what Ommatophilia being over would be like. I always knew relief would come but.. I've just been lying in bed. I crave to open my laptop and write the characters interacting. I want to see Black and Mercy banter. I want to watch Blue struggle to speak. I want to think about Angel's inner thoughts. I want to think about the snow and the decaying small town.

It's like my old home that I can't go back to.

I have new stories. I'll be making new things forever. It just feels weird. I miss everyone. I miss the past. I miss when everything was easier. It'll be fine. The future will be fun. It's just hard right now. I didn't really realize how I felt.

But we're good. We keep going. It's fine. We've got milfs, murderers, dykes, and various other women to write now. I mean I made a story about a meat fungus in October and Ommatophilia was basically finished by then, so clearly my brain still has stuff going on. The pity part has to end. We roll.

I love everyone who plays Ommatophilia, even if you dislike it. I love Ommatophilia, and I'm happy I spent my last four years working on it, even with all of its jank. It's dear to me. I'll miss everyone. I'm so happy I could tell the story I wanted to tell, no matter how badly it hurts. I've never finished a story and had it hurt this bad. It must've really been worth it in the end.

I love you! I love you! You were my everything! Goodbye!

[syntheticmortal]

I got tagged by the lovely @crownedinmarigolds! Thank you so much mate!! I'm absolutely charmed 🥰

Now my rat bastard spouse stole most of my tagging options on their post so to not double-tag I will add:

@skaerdir, @klaciate, @tzimizce and @vamp-orwave!!

If anyone who sees this wants to be an honourary tagee, then go for it XD

For those who don't know - Hi I am Alex! (He/They) and I'm a writer and an English immigrant to the USA!

3 ships: oh mate all of these are OCxOC with @c-n-i-d-a-r-i-a-n

Victor and Gloria – A Nos and his unbound Ghoulfriend. Making your touchstone one of your mission Ghouls is dangerous af but live fast love hard, lads.

Jeff and Lamb – Another of Vic's unbound Ghouls and the Thin Blood Nos that joined the Warren. Disgustingly fucking cute injected into the den of the rejected and disgruntled.

Ventan/Taakur Rig and Rozanin Rig – My and Daz's SWTOR PCs respectively. A Chiss Cipher Agent that ends up having to go hide with his Mandalorian hireling with her Clan and Roz's unrequited love becomes hella requited and suddenly Ventan/Cipher Five-now-Taakur has step kids??

I love it so much.

first ship: Oh god this takes me back to being little. Probably a Sonic one??

Shadow and Rouge if I had to take a guess??

last song: Temptation by Sean Paul! A proper bop

But honestly massive shout out to the second Nostalgia Synthwave mix by Odysseus on youtube

This thing keeps me sane, and has all the songs marked! – that opening one, Realign by Cerulean, can usually just melt my brain into peace whenever I hear it

last film: Snatch – Like VTMB it's a problematic fave that oozes style and characterisation throughout. Watched it as prep for a Setite I'm going to play in a V5 game >:D

currently reading: Altered Carbon by Richard Morgan as part of genre research. Finished The Vampyre recently too! Really I should pick AC up today, I've been working hard on my editing and outlining of my own pieces and neglecting the reading part of the craft for a few weeks >.>;

currently craving: So I'm drinking far less booze to save money whilst I'm out of work trying to get some Proper Writing done. So when I hit a good worthy milestone I'm getting a bottle of whiskey and I am ready.

fav color: Green! Sometimes purple!

relationship status: Maaarriiied to @c-n-i-d-a-r-i-a-n

last google search: I had to double check the spelling of Taakur for the ship section, so it was 'mandoa' :')

and before that I'm pretty use I searched Scryfall last night to go look at MTG cards even though I have no one to play with right now :'D (at least it's saving me money >.>)

current obsessions: Was tempted to add my own work here but I'll tag that on the very end XD

There's a lot of fandoms I don't leave – World of Darkness and Warhammer 40k predominantly as settings I always have another angle I want to see explored in!

I do however have the Magic the Gathering bug, even though I haven't really played in years and years now – but card interaction as a generation for narrative has always kind of captivated me? Like there's a couple big mean Ogre cards that make Rats more dangerous, but due to the way the systems work they also empower the Ratfolk of Kamigawa, the Nezumi, as they count as 'Rat' cards still. So big Ogre spellcasters improving Rat people as part of a contained bit of narrative kind of fascinates me as a concept.

Plus each deck presupposes a Planeswalker character who's casting those spells – and I was always intrigued by that notion and so most of my OCs are representative of decks I played (or wanted to :P) and then in turn each Planeswalker needs a Plane to come from, probably from a still existing culture on that Plane too, and so it can kind of wonderfully reverberate inspiration.

Like how every VTM Kindred OC presupposes a Sire!

BONUS ALEX SECTION

So if you want to get to know me, let me tell you about what writing I'm working on/have made recently.

Out now!

The Mutilation of Finley Reid

A short story of masculine horror, about a young man by the name of Finley who suffers in the pursuit of having his place as a man affirmed by his peers.

The world of Torranham Nights is an anachronistic reflection of England set in the coastal city state of Torranham, drawing from contemporary culture and folklore as well as the legends and reality of the cultures that came before – without being fetishistic about it like a lot of stories will.

Handle It

A short retail horror, about working the cash register of a butcher's counter, and the customer who orders increasing amounts of ground beef...

Inspired by my own work in a same spot, anyone who's done service work should get a kick out of this – plus it's free and only takes 20 minutes to read! XD

On the way!

Defector – name subject to change

A short story of grief, shame, suicidal ideation, alcoholism, and community. On the moon.

A Special Recon mech pilot, “Crash”, from Earth has defected to the Moon rebels, and now lives in Magnolia City, rotting away in her tiny apartment. Then the Provisional Government sends one of its elite commanders, a former enemy of Crash's, to pull her out.

Elhart: Arrival

The first of a short story fantasy anthology about a city of refugees at the edge of time and space, hiding from the end of the multi-planar universe. A super soldier has washed up with a near-fatal headwound and no memory, and she must learn to live in a far more peaceful world than the one her instincts suggest she came from. But who was she? And can she earn the trust of people who fear her potential to kill?

Neon Sun

A novel! Cyberpunk Vampires! If we're mutuals you can come ask about this but I'm not ready to share things too publicly for this one yet, but the outlining has gone beautifully in my opinion, and the worldbuilding is singing.

Speartip

I'm making a TTRPG!! It's a Powered by the Apocalypse engine game, about serving as the primary field agents of a faction of people who need your support and protection. Because if you're going to be a hero, who are you doing it for if not your kin?

Setting agnostic as hell, excluding some implicit need for magic in the class moves – I'm prepping to playtest this in sci-fi and fantasy settings to see how well my mechanics hold up in both swords and firearms based stories. Plus I'm going to explore a variety of perspectives of what the faction can be – from ethnic groups, to gangs, to guilds, to neighbourhoods.

I'm VERY excited about all this!!

[supersoakerfullofblood]

Great Books About Gender Identity

Seeing some posts about how new-adult romance novels popularized by BookTok don't show genuine queer experience and largely tokenize queer characters. And look, the prose of these books is ass too. One of my reading interests is how themes of gender/masculinity/femininity interact with other elements in a novel, and with the culture from which the novel was written. I've read a lot of great books on the topic!

As a disclaimer, most of these books don't have explicit queer representation. I read a lot of old books where that wasn't a thing you could openly write about, but you could write about cultural perceptions of masculinity/femininity (a lotta people still didn't like this, but like, you usually weren't stoned for it), which is where modern queer theory and identity comes from! So if you want to feel understood by a novel, here are my book recs on gender, in no particular order:

The Earthsea series by Ursula K. Le Guin: a series of children's fantasy novels that build the foundation for modern children's and YA fantasy (Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, some Neil Gaiman, Brandon Sanderson, etc.). Men and women's roles in society and relations with magic are a major theme in the series, and while no character is queer (though there's a reference late in the series about witches living together), characters are always bound or freed by the gender they express. Also, all the characters are black, which was unheard of at the time of the first book's publication (1968) and is frankly still unheard of today. And it's just a fun read!

The work of Virginia Woolf: My favorite author and one of the largest players in what we today call gender studies. Highly recommend Orlando, where the titular character changes inexplicably from a man to a woman halfway through the novel (it's tempting to call them "the first trans character," but the label feels disingenuous. Transsexuality as we know it didn't exist then, and Orlando didn't choose or want to switch genders. It just happened to them); A Room of One's Own, Woolf's essay on life as a woman author; and The Waves, a book less about gender identity and more about wholistic identity.

The work of Kate Chopin: Chopin is a huge player in starting the feminist literary movement of the 20th century, influencing the work of many authors on this list. If you can stomach Victorian prose, Chopin is for you!

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath: Plath's novel is written from an intimately feminine perspective and wrestles with questions of mental illness from such a perspective. A must-read.

The work of Oscar Wilde: Thrown in jail for a bit for likely being at least a little gay, Wilde's writing frequently riffs on and critiques gendered social customs. Highly recommend The Importance of Being Earnest, Lady Windermere's Fan, and definitely other stuff of his I haven't read yet.

The work of Madeline Miller: I think Circe is the only "BookTok book" I've read that I thought was good, and boy is it fantastic. Its ideas of gender feel a bit cliche or elementary at times (Circe sometimes reads like an "empowered girlboss" stereotype), but how it plays with this identity at the same time it plays with Circe's identity in her family and pantheon make this book special. And Miller really is a delightful prose stylist. Galatea is also pretty good, and I haven't read Song of Achilles yet.

The Hours by Michael Cunningham: based on Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway, Cunningham reprises Woolf's themes for a book set in the 90s! Great read, and another master of the craft.

The poetry of Sappho: The popular conception of Sappho is that she's this girlboss prodigal lesbian in a patriarchal society, which isn't true. There's definitely some truth there, but it's much more nuanced, and certainly Sappho couldn't conceive of the labels we put on her today and those labels' connotations. In any case, her poetry is some of the first, if not the first, love poetry from a feminine perspective.

Any piece of literature about slavery/colonialism written by a woman: This is a broad category, but the intersection of femininity and race is a broad topic which many writers fall into. You really can't go wrong here. My recs are Toni Morrison, Jean Rhys, Zora Neale Hurston, Oroonoko by Aphra Bein, and Jean Toomer. I still need to read Gwendolyn Brooks, Octavia Butler, and Alice Walker.

The work of Shakespeare: You can't go wrong here. Obviously not explicitly queer, but many of his plays deal with cultural gender perceptions and, of course, crossdressing! Twelfth Night is probably his strongest play on this front, but The Winter's Tale and Measure for Measure are both great here, and most of his plays have at least a little commentary on the gender front.

Leave other recs in the comments/rts! :)

[longeyelashedtragedy]

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by @tetrapod7 ...i did some of them already, but not all! so i might as well answer the ones i didn't already answer!

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 155! now that i have an anonymous fic these all will get more annoying to answer, looool

2. what's your total ao3 word count? 478,822

3. what fandoms do you write for? right now i just write for "men's football rpf." i'm occasionally tempted to write for the Old Fandom again.

4. top five fics by kudos: top 5 of all time are all from a song of ice and fire days:

drabbles of ice and fire

captivated

egg baby

arya saves the day

ends and beginnings

was i the best writer of aged-up arya/jaqen AUs in the fandom? uh, yes, since 4 of those are...that, lol.

if we're just talking footy though...

shakira ex machina

doce

two hundred words to say i love you

ça c'est ma dope

hairbrush

oh ffs...removing the crossovers....

shakira ex machina

two hundred words to say i love you

hairbrush

the right kind of blue

desperate times

5. do you respond to comments? sometimes....when i don't lose track 😭 i need to be better...

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i answered that here!

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? ummm...not sure. could it be 5.VII? that's a really satisfying ending. i'll go ahead and say that one.

8. do you get hate on fics? only once, and it was a very pathetic stab at armchair activism "how dare you write a fic on this problematic topic" shit. it could happen again at any time i guess.

9. do you write smut? unfortunately...i'm not very good at it and it stresses me out.

10. craziest crossover: i wrote hozier x jaqen h'ghar for my bestie long ago and posted it at like ass am in zurich airport :')

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? yes! answered here. it was this rakidric! published 3 days before we all locked down. i have not read this in a zillion years.

12. have you ever had a fic translated? also answered here!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? answered here but also i want to cowrite with someone so very much!

14. all time favorite ship? also answered here!

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? my ivantoine, "In The" :'( and others too...my post-WC modren for example. i'm wondering if Mare Liberum will ever be finished. we'll see...

16. what are your writing strengths? i think i am confident and experienced and that comes across (?) even things i wrote a while ago, that i think are "better" (more artistic, more daring) sound less experienced at the same time. my dialogue has improved so much. i think my fics have a good rhythm--varied sentence lengths, good use of repetition and parallelism, line breaks, etc. i like to think i can get people to empathize with/care about people they didn't expect. my writing helps me examine my own flaws. i am not sure what else? my bff said i describe love and loss really well <3

17. what are your writing weaknesses? i think i'm a weak writer, actually! i think my writing is shallow and always sounds the same. a lot of angsty endings, alienated characters, sounds more immature than it should. i don't know how to make porn hot (because i think strange things are hot, i guess?). truly, i've been grappling with how shallow it all sounds. i am a deep feeler (lol) but not a deep thinker at all and i think that shows.

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? answered here

19. first fandom you wrote in? answered here!

20. favorite fic you've written? honestly--my favorites are probably still trophy boyfriend and then "chief of the armed forces" because that's just an absolute crackfic masterpiece. in footy...i probably should pick some favorites, no? let's go with dangerous, i tore off the golden branch, possible red card - violent conduct, rojo y blanco/crvena bijela, and 5.VII. i feel like some franko fics belong here but i just chose 5!

[gigakoops]

I'm seeing articles talking about Bobby Kotick talking about reviving Guitar Hero using AI, and everything about this upsets my rhythm-game-loving ass. For one I don't want to be tempted to buy another Activision game ever again. But then, if they start using AI to do stuff like note charts, it's not going to go very well and it's going to be awful to play.

So if you've seen my username anywhere else, it's likely been in the Clone Hero/Rock Band communities. I make custom note charts, and have been charting since 2011, when I worked on the Rock Band Network. So I know the in's and out's of what goes into a note chart. There's a lot of nuance that goes into these things, and when making a chart I always notice new details, even with songs I've heard hundreds of times. I don't trust an algorithm to notice such things.

I'm also left thinking about CAT, a program used at C3 (a big ol' hub for Rock Band customs that I've pretty much cut ties with at this point) to generate lower difficulties and such. And let me tell you, the results there are subpar at best. You can instantly tell how mechanical it all feels, as if there was no thought put into the note orders, or even the actual rules to how these lower difficulties work. And that's an algorithm that uses existing Expert charts as a basis!

AI-generated Expert charts would be a fucking nightmare. Instead of charts that flow well with the music, and account for all the little details in actual instrument lines, you'll get some clunky thing that technically works, but doesn't feel "right" with the music. Like, imagine playing a song, and while the notes are technically on-beat, it feels like the chords are charted in a way that feels unnatural, and there's a lack of polish when it comes to little licks and such. That's how I imagine an AI chart feeling, and it'd be downright dreadful.

There's also the thought of "What if they use existing charts to train the AI," which leaves two possible outcomes, neither of which are great. The lesser-bad one would be them using old Guitar Hero charts to train the AI. The GH series in general is pretty all over the place with chart quality, leaning oftentimes towards "overcharted" due to charting power chords as three-note chords, and sometimes just charting notes that aren't there for the sake of challenge. That's also the style of the series post-Harmonix, is to be really challenging. But also, I don't see that as being a good basis to train an AI to make charts by today's standards.

Which leads to my biggest fear: using custom charts (mostly Clone Hero charts most likely) to train this AI. And let me tell you right now, I don't consent to this. No way in Hell do I think it's an ethical thing to do to train an AI using potentially hundreds of other peoples' charts. Charting itself is an artform, and I think it'd be horrendous to just steal other peoples' styles so that you can save time on your cash-in revival.

This was originally going to be just the first paragraph, but then I decided to elaborate further until it became, well, all this. Still, I really hope that if they decide to revive Guitar Hero, that they actually hire people to make charts, because the idea of an AI seeing a Skrillex overchart, then ripping off that style for an Alter Bridge song or some shit is going to keep me up at night.

[darksideofparis]

Olay additional questions now. Random orders.

1). How will Missy feel about Alex? What about other incarnations of The Master (John Simm in World Enough and Time and Sacha Dhawan in Spyfall)

2). How does The Toymaker feel about Alex?

3). What is in Alex's room in The God Complex?

4). How will Alex feel about Division, The Timeless Child and Tecteun?

5). How does Alex feel about 15 and having a more openly queer Doctor?

6). What happens in The Wedding of River Song now?

7). When will Alex meet Jenny? And when will Jenny meet Jack?

8). Will The Doctor and Alex go to Sarah Jane's funeral now that 15 has confirmed she has died?

9). Is Alex's Time Lord ancestor Romana? Or The Corsair?

10). Why does Alex not like Danny Pink?

And finally

11). Can we write snippets and short stories based in The Alex Locke universe, weaving in our OC Sky and the brother you created Johnny, and post them here if we give credit?

Great questions!

I don't want to say too much about Missy's feelings towards Alex out of fear of spoilers, but I will say Missy does care about Alex and doesn't want to see her harmed. Same goes for Sacha Dhawan's Master and, to a lesser degree, John Simm's Master.

To the Toymaker, Alex is a delightfully useful toy in his game against the Doctor. The Toymaker never would have guessed that the Doctor he first encountered would fall madly, passionately in love, so Alex is a new puzzle he tries to use to his advantage. And he does. We will see that in Alex's version of 'The Giggle'.

Not a swimming pool, I will say that much. Or anything related to her fear of water. Hopefully, the fear that is in Alex's room will make sense when we get to it.

Alex will hate the Division, Tecteun, all of it. They just might topple Kovarian and the Silence from their top spot on the list of things/people Alex hates the most.

Alex is more than okay with a Doctor who is more open about his sexuality, because she knows that while the Doctor might acknowledge certain people as attractive, she is the one he finds the most attractive, sexy, beautiful. . . Really, the list goes on, and 15 could easily go off on a monologue on his amazing wife (and probably does, much to Ruby's amusement).

Hehe, so much. I will say lots of characters (some canon, some OCs) will pop up and we'll get a lot of answers regarding Kovarian and the Silence's plans towards the Doctor, Alex, and River. You'll just have to wait and see!

Alex will meet Jenny sometime during the first half of Series 7. What I currently intend on doing is adapting one of the audio stories featuring Jenny ('Prisoner of the Ood') and having it take place in Bristol, while Alex is visiting Marigold and Lacey. Jenny will meet Jack also during the first half of Series 7, but she doesn't start a relationship with him right away as she's traveling with her dad and Alex on the TARDIS (plus, the moment the Doctor sees the obvious attraction between the two, he's anxious to keep the TARDIS from landing anywhere near 21st century Cardiff).

They will go to her funeral, yes. I'm thinking of having it turn into a wild Arrow-verse like event, where some big alien invasion happens while everyone's gathered at the funeral and the grieved mourners defiantly defending the Earth just as Sarah Jane would have done, but we'll have to see. Either way, it will be pretty rough for the Doctor and Alex. When exactly it will take place, I'm not sure, but I'm leaning towards during 13's era.

Oh, wow, that would be awesome if Alex's Time Lord ancestor was Romana! A bit full-circle, lol, since I've got my version of Eleven admitting he was attracted to Romana. It would also make sense, with Alex and Romana both being clever. Also would be interesting if her ancestor was the Corsair, but we'll have to wait and see who, exactly, it is (if it is one of those two!).

Alex mainly doesn't like Danny because of his immediately hostile attitude towards the Doctor. She also doesn't like how Clara feels tempted to lie to Danny all the time, something she points out to Clara constantly ("Wouldn't you rather be with someone you feel like you can trust?"). Aside from that, she has no particular dislike of Danny; she just feels he and Clara aren't compatible (and she's right).

Absolutely you can! Just give credit and tag me in the posts!

Thank you again for the questions! Keep them coming!

[nirvanawrites111]

Stripper AU update!!

Okayyyy!!! So something MAGICAL happened to me last night. I was sitting in my living room working on my book (I'm in the pursuit of following my dreams and becoming a full-time author). I was struggling with writer's block and I decided to re-edit my first chapter. Then Slidin' by Kai came on and all I could see was him dancing in my head. So, I rewrote the first chapter to my stripper AU. I found an 1 hour loop and told myself I'm going to loop this. If I could hold myself accountable to just write whi

le it's looping then I'm good. Baby... my creative juices were flowing! I do need to make a slowed & reverb 1 hour slowed Slidin track because those versions just hit different!!!! So, Y/N is a male revue club owner (I also need a really cool name because I think I came up with Rock Hard Revue.. I need something that reflects a mixture of feminine and masculine energy. Even though it's all men.) and Y/n's main attractions are Taemin, Ten, and it used to be Kai. Y/n also has some type of relationship with each other them.

Y/N and Kai are divorced. Now, Taemin is the headliner. All of them using their own solo songs but they aren't idols. They are dancers who sometimes perform their own songs. I'm thinking about how I want to frame Y/n's relationship with all of them. I'm not sure how long I want it to be. Maybe a 4-part series? I don't want it to drag it too long.

One of my favorite Hwa author gave me a fantastic tip for when you have ADHD. Don't release it until it's all done. I have so many undone projects from yearsssssss ago. Months ago related to K-pop. I have a 4000 word sub!yuygeom that just need a bit more smut and it'll be done.

When I used to write for another fandom and I didn't know I had ADHD. So, I would work on 3 fanfics at a time. Start one and then start other. Delete it and then be hyperfocused and create something new. I hate that cycle. So, I will wait until it's all done before I post. I'm tempted to share what I have so far, but I want to write the whole thing first.

That way I don't disappoint you or me. We both deserve better tbh. But, I'm going to challenge myself to loop a song for 1 hour and write just within that hour. I had so much fun writing my Taemin x Reader x Jimin story. It's just something about having Y/n in a position of power that just empowers me. I've been wanting to write a reverse harem fem!dom story because I rarely see them. I think I've only seen it with 3racha.. I think?

But, anyways Taemin, Kai, Taemin are my 3 baes like fr! I might slide Baekhyun in it as a side character. But, not in the harem. I MAY OR MAY NOT add Jimin as a part of the harem. I don't know yet. I love me some sub!Jimin content TBH and alot of people see him as a dom!. Which is fine, but my perception is he makes a better sub!character.

Right now he serves a different purpose in the first chapter. But, I'll see how it goes. But, yeah that's just me updating because I love to share and use my throat chakra more when I'm excited about something.

[sad0nion]

the last few years have been very interesting to observe as someone with agoraphobia.

the quarantine and how people reacted to having to stay home. relating to exactly 0 "relatable" quarantine posts. seeing people realize what agoraphobia even is and claiming they understand it now(no you don't). the excitement of people when they went out in public again(???).

and i know that whole time period and current times are impacting people's mental health and anxiety and i know for sure some people have actually developed agoraphobia from this, but it's just so interesting to see.

like lately i've been seeing quite a few posts about the wonders of leaving the house, of how it's human nature to want to be out and with other humans, how it's tempting to stay home but going out can be so much more rewarding. and i literally don't understand lol.

i love being home. i've gone out and seen things, gone on trips, gone to do something fun, but i never feel better after doing those things, mentally. in fact i always feel worse. depending on the event and how long it lasts, it can take me out for like a week. many times i come home from a wonderful and fun experience and break down in tears- half because i'm exhausted and half because i'm so fucking happy to be home.

i never get stir crazy, i never get tired of being home... not to brag or anything, but the longest i've stayed home without leaving(not even to like a drive thru or anything) was about 7 months and it was BEFORE covid.

even outside of the anxiety part of agoraphobia, i just love home.

people talk about seeing a part of nature that brought them to tears, or going to a particularly moving play, or seeing an evocative museum exhibit... but for me, it's when i'm home. when it's quiet except for faint bird song. when the sun shines just right through the window and hits a part of the house that feels extra home. that's what is so beautiful it brings me to tears. comfort and quiet and familiarity.

as much as agoraphobia sucks and is frustrating and scary and sometimes alienating, there is a positive side to it: i get to wake up at my favorite place in the whole world every day. if nothing else, that is a joy.

[queen-scribbles]

Swiped from @starlightcleric to do with Ody

Rules: If you're tagged, make a new post with links to music and/or lyrics describing the following:

An event that defines your character's past

How your character sees themselves

How others view them

Their closest relationship (platonic or romantic)

A major fight scene

End credits song

I wound up doubling for a couple of them bc I couldn't make up my mind😅 Also, behind a cut bc I did lyrics/commentary.

(art by oasiswinds)

All Who Remain (Beware of Darkness) [Her brother's death.] You never know the last time you’ll see someone/So give them all of your love/'Cause they’ll disappear Odessa and her brother were close growing up, and his death galvanized her into really throwing herself into her work, entrenched her loyalty to the Empire. Which in turn made the events of the class story even more painful; being betrayed by the cause her brother had supported, she has supported so ardently stung.

Wander (Home & Harbor) // I Am Not Okay (Jelly Roll) I don't know if I can see the stars anymore/I know they're shining somewhere out there/And I can't tell you what the sun feels like /And I don't know if I even care This one's a little bit about her after losing Chance in the later verses, a little bit about her general state of mind after mid-Act 2. There's this growing sense of... directionlessness as she's confronted with more and more evidence that shakes her faith in the Empire. She always wanted to serve, but that dream is souring and she doesn't know what to do or where to go with it cracking like this. So she turns double agent for Kothe, but his instructions are largely "wait for orders and shore up your cover" so she feels like she's treading water or wandering an endless desert with no hope of progress. After long enough in that state she wonders if she should just... accept it will always be like that. But there's this infinitesimally thin thread of hope that it can and will get better. She just has to care long enough to find it. When it's all said and done/ I'm not okay/ But it's all gonna be alright/ It's not okay/But we're all gonna be alright The overall tone of this song is someone struggling but determined to hold on to the hope that things get better and that's so very, very much Ody's mindset from about... EoO onwards(she was getting better, then Shara being in NC sent her spiraling again). She knows it can get better, be better, life is not all loss and pain, but she has been through the wringer and it's really hard to remember sometimes. (There's a line in the first verse about "If I say I'm fine just know I've learned to hide it well" that's so very her. Bury it and press on.)

Superman (Rachel Platten) So put your armor on the ground tonight/ 'Cause everyone's got to come down sometimes [The Alliance] I was extremely tempted to do I'm Not Calling You a Liar as how Intelligence views her, but let's go with something more positive. :D There are many people in the Alliance who care about her and wish she didn't have to do so much(even if Rass is the first person in ages to straight up say "Take time for yourself"). Lana and Theron are both subtly keeping an eye on her, and there's a half dozen people more than ready to be a listening ear if she ever asks for one.

Dancing with You Ghost (Sasha Alex Sloan) // Time (2CELLOS) Never got the chance/To say your last goodbye/I gotta move on/But it hurts to try/How do I love, how do I love again? [It's Chance. It's all Chance.] I've mentioned how much Chance's death wrecked her, right? :) She did not deal with that well at all; maybe not actively suicidal, but not particularly invested in staying alive for a while there. She's getting better. Slowly. But it's still hard. He was... something good, something steady, something normal at a point where not much else about her life could be characterized by any of those words. She loved him, and he loved her, and she truly hoped at some point they could be together, not stealing visits whenever it felt safe. And then he (seemingly)lost her. And then she (really)lost him. With their last goodbye being her slipping out with a whisper and a kiss, fully expecting to see each other in a months. And she didn't even really get to fully grieve, bc she had to hit the ground running with dismantling the Eternal Empire, so there are moments for a long while where it still doesn't seem real, until she remembers. She's finally starting to open up to the idea of moving on, but it's so terrifying and it hurts so much let him go and try again. Time is instrumental, but it fits so perfectly the vibes for the wordless cinematic sequence in my head that rolls from when Ody leaves Chance's place for the (unbeknownst to them) last time, through the scenes of Wild Space expedition, Chance dealing with her "death", her being in carbonite, his actual death, Lana busting her out, up to the conversation with Theron that confirms her suspicions Chance was KIA.

State of Me (Lacey Sturm) Look at the state of me/ You can't deny it/I'm gonna walk out/So follow me now/Just get behind me This is what plays during her fight with Hunter at the end of the class story and you cannot change my mind. It has such good Climatic Fight Song energy.

Inner Gold (Lindsey Stirling ft Royal) It comes back to me sounding like a song/ I knew once/ Singing louder than the tales I've been told/ Each note is a song of my inner gold The vibes for this really fit her outlook upon switching her loyalty to the Republic. Even if there is that later... treading water feel that sinks in(no pun intended), she is confident in and happy with her decision to switch sides. (I need to write her talking to Elara, they would have FASCINATING conversations >.>). It's also where she's eventually going to end up, as sort of her healing process mood. She might have to claw her way to a better place but she is Going To Get There. Feels very end-credits-y for her.

[diabolocracy]

The Big Fat Iniquitale AU Infodump Post (wherein I copy + paste every bit and bob of info I've written about it under one big disorganized post). With pictures! Matured*3 for a reason. If you're a kid and seeing this you lied about your age or some whackjob took screenshots and didn't mark those as mature so hey, not my fuckin' problem, innit?

CW: Dead dove and M*3 for a reason. Murder, abuse, mentions of implied rape, kidnapping, drugging, child murder, also I go into detail about at least one of the sci lab trio's genitalia lol

THE OVERVIEW

• Characters are based on songs. Probably not original. I do not care!

Since they're my main focus I only have WDG's and Sans' picked out. Namely,

LOVE LOVE NIGHTMARE - specifically this version - for whom is obvious. It even goes into the planned "ending" if you do enough mental gymnastics ("Everyone is just getting in our way. I will remove them all using Science. Oh, you do not like that? Then remove me." (Spoiler: he does.))

Qbomb's Crackershock for Sans whose pseudonym is Fuse. Don't yet have a cemented au-ified design for that guy--I need to finagle in the blues and teals.

I'm tempted to use this one for Frisk but they're not relevant until after The Catastrophe, which won't be a thing here or probably ever, lol.

But if I do persist long enough this song is totally Bunny-haunting/taunting/still obsessing over-Fuse after the fact and this one actually fits for confrontation purposes haha

I wanted to use this one for Alphys but it's just... Canon Alphys... lol

[ Bunny -> Fuse || "I can make him worse." ] He succeeds until he doesn't. [ Bunny -> Alphys || "I can make her the same as me." ] He doesn't succeed at all. Alphys doesn't follow in his footsteps to manipulate that fish she's craving. She doesn't graduate beyond stalker. (She does, however, become friends with her boss and his boyfriend. She knows the things that go on between them but she's smart enough to know not to try to interfere. Given her specialty in Monster physio/bio (she wants to become the Royal Physician one day - she is sure that her research into DT will gain her the position; she works at the lab as an assistant to be able to gain access to what she needs), she'll sometimes use her boss as a guinea pig to test out new cures or medical procedures. If he's gonna go and get himself hurt anyway... Why not?)

(fuse memo: normal white eyes, goes all crossed-out when angwy similar as to how WDG's go all heartsy; this'll probably be a thing in general)

This song works for a potential Chara-Bunny alliance I've been considering (and have since decided to go with): ○ Chara was murdered and eaten by the vulture-Royal Scientist while out and about with Asriel one horrible day. They tried many times to Reset and avoid this fate, but they failed each time. As it was ultimately a complete and utter shitshow, their Soul wasn't contained nor was it absorbed. They've haunted the Underground ever since. ○ Until they decided to meddle a 'little,' anyway; in a failed timeline, Bunny was on the precipice of dying courtesy of fucking with Fuse a little too much. Chara decided to lend a hand, merging very posthumously with him after striking up some sort of deal, granting him the ability to Reset and Remember. ○ Chara's end goal is [???]. Bunny's end goal is the perfect "happily Forever after." ○ This is probably how Bunny managed to break the level cap. Additionally, the False Window likely shows Chara's stats prior to their demise. (They were rather a frail human.) ○ This of course means that Asriel is still alive and plagued with guilt over their adopted sibling's murder--and the current King of the Underground. Asgore and Toriel are still together and really old; they both inhabit the quaint Ruins home. ○ When Bunny inevitably does the thing that permakills him (more or less), Chara makes a deal with Fuse and gives him the same abilities they gave Bunny (Reset & Remember). He Resets. Of course, this doesn't bring Bunny back (not in whole) -- the Universe compensates. Alphys becomes the Royal Scientist in his stead. So on and so forth. ○ When Frisk falls, they are hostile. They have to contend with a monster that can Reset and Remember as well right off the bat, though. ○ Every Reset brings a little garbled void-twisted piece of Bunny back. ○ It's Fuse's own personal hell!

◘ As for Chara "Splatter(ed)" Dreemurr, they're a nice kid, really. A tad bit fucked up considering they've died horribly multiple times and spent who knows how along alone gradually burning out, but decent. Mischievous, playful, impish, kind of pixie-like. They were murdered, and this guy was about to be murdered, too; they need a host before they burn out completely, and this guy doesn't want to die; they can fix that by granting him the ability to Reset and Remember (which is the best they can do at this point), which also grants them a host which means they won't eventually disappear for good… And they're curious! Can he ultimately escape Death's clutches, or will he fail, too?

◘ Not wanting to ultimately burn out is also why they make the same deal with Fuse when Bunny inevitably ends up 'dead for good.'

◘ They're avoiding Asriel for their own reasons - namely, they don't want to like, torture the poor guy by making him remember them, or something.

◘ Chara's name is rarely, if ever uttered in the Underground. Asriel gets very upset when he hears their name and remembers the day they were murdered right in front of him while all he could do was scream and cry.

• This AU is, shamelessly, a dumping place for my kinks. This is self-explanatory 😪 but not relevant because he doesn't want you.

• For the sake of interaction WDG's probably created some app that lets him connect to the multiversal internet or make portals or something loll I dunno 😪 this whole shindig is a work in progress baybee.

• If his Sans were to fall before his time this crazy idiot would inject them both with DT to form an amalgamate. No dying. Only staying together. Forever. :)

• He saw this lovely assistant of his punch out a monitor during work hours because of infuriating technical difficulties or something of the sort and thought to himself, I bet that I could make that guy worse. (And he succeeds! Post-Catastrophe, Fuse/Sans fares much better in handling his issues because he doesn't have this influence in his life anymore (...more or less).)

• Instead of Gaster Blasters, given his boyfriend's penchant for punching things Bunny instead made Gloves.

• The Royal Scientist from a little before the Barrier's erection had a taste for Human meat - especially after it had been left out for a while. Vultures, y'know...? Anyway, when the Monsters were trapped Underground, her first order of business was to try and create a substitute. This ended up with Waterfall having to be renamed The Meat Cavern from the strange fungus she cultivated. The entire Underground is now a red haze of spores that smell sickly-sweet - thankfully the fungus itself can only actually grow in the former Waterfall, but it has begun adapting to grow in New Home. New Home residents are advised to burn it if they find it there. Isn't Science wonderful?

• Bunny's mother was a Boss Monster with several concubines. She wanted him to follow in her foot-steps, hinting that he had taken after her in typing, but some time in his teens she met an unfortunate 'accident.' Bunny was taken in by the current Royal Scientist, who was much more successful in shaping his future. (And who also met an unfortunate 'accident.')

Fig. Nya Fuse

• The Resort is run by BP: Bartholome(o)w Pickles (otherwise known in Classic as Burgerpants). It's a family-friendly joint by day and a sleazy strip joint by night, complete with escorts and the weekly comedy night.

• Alphys is Hot Goth GF but too awkward to land that fish on her lonesome (or with Bunny's "help"). Her goal is to become the Royal Physician, and she hopes her research into DT will land her that position. Her side project features Mettaton, magibiosci, and meaty fungal limbs meticulously grown from altered samples of the Meat Cavern fungus infesting former Waterfall. Yeah, she has read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and she's a bit obsessed. (Meanwhile, Bunny is the one low-key into the animays.)

(Further Alphys notes:

Friend is encouraging me with ideas as to how to make the AUwufied Alphys more of a little freak than I was planning and honestly. Yeah. Fuck it we ball. Increasing the canon creepiness factor (look, she has cameras everywhere, and you think she only uses them to watch out for humans? Never mind the fact that humans have to do, you know, human things, and she's a scientist) to 100.

Bunny 100% helps her abduct and fuck Undyne at least once in some timeline or another. Well, he doesn't partake of the fucking, of course, but he helps her with everything else just to if she'll actually do it.

She also uses her magibiosci knowledge to make strap-ons out of fungi and other modified materials that provide sensation to the wearer as if they actually had a dick. And dildos, too, of course! Want one that creates its own lube? Cum? Ovipositor eggs? One that's edible? A special scent or flavor or unique cum type? She's your gal! It's a side-gig for extra funding.)

Fig. Nyo! Alphys.

THE SCI LAB TRIO

WINGDINGS "BUNNY" GASTER

Unhinged yandere that uses his partner’s angry violent outbursts against him to keep him right where he wants the guy. He pretends to be a weak, defenseless, vulnerable nerd - however, he could dust his boyfriend in the blink of an eye if he really wanted to. He won’t really defend himself in dire moments because he doesn’t want to risk it, though.

He will dust anyone who thinks of getting between them, of course (in secret, obviously! that lab tech just met an unfortunate accident! it happens! science is dangerous!).

He gains EXP via pain, to put it bluntly. He uses his boyfriend as an exp farm and will only allow his boyfriend to cause him any harm. He will try to annihilate anyone else who tries.

Through the powers of Science he has broken the level cap. His stats are as follows:

LV 666 HP 666666 AT 66666 DF 66666 – basically the datamined stats for ‘classic’ Gaster. He has created a false stats window for when he is checked. It displays the following, LV 1 HP 10 AT 3 DF 3 –but there are those out there who will inevitably be able to see that it’s false, or to see through it entirely. That’s fine! He doesn’t care! No one in his world can see it, and that’s all that matters.

He has zero qualms about using his status as royal scientist to get what he wants (though he usually uses this in favor of his boyfriend).

Essentially, he is all-around not a nice or sane guy despite giving off that totally inno uwu ball of cheer!! vibe.

Physical Attributes

He is exactly six feet tall when he isn’t wearing heeled shoes or boots and his body shape is lithe with flared hips.

The black spots on his hands are just that–spots. He has them on his feet, too, and in a couple of other places upon his body. If they appear on one side of something, they will appear on its other side as well.

The ‘scars’ on his face are similar - they are all birthmarks.

His face functions similar to Hexadecimal’s (ReBoot) - in order to change expressions there has to be a moment of obfuscation, be it looking away or waving a hand across it or any other sort. The dots of his eyes, however, move freely about.

His pupils are usually normal bog standard white dots unless he’s seriously pissed off and trying to kill someone for realsies. He will throw hands - he can summon as many as he wishes. He mainly uses them to assist in his lab work, but they’re just as easily used to rip some bitch apart.

Lewd Attributes

He has both sets of genitalia and neither are one-hundred percent humanlike.

His cock is a one foot long tentacle-like organ that tapers off to a soft point. As it’s more often than not hidden away in a slit, it’s always well-lubricated. Testes are internal.

His vaginal opening is housed in the same slit, just below the hole housing his phallus. It has markedly less structure to it than a human vagina.

All intimate “flesh” - inasmuch as a monster can have “flesh” - is a deep, dark purple, nearly indistinguishably black.

He has the ability to impregnate and conceive; however, he takes fertility suppressants. Anyone who messes with them runs the risk of getting dusted - unless, of course, it’s his boyfriend. But he’d rather the guy come talk to him if he wants children, y'know?

Despite everything, he is still a virgin.

Bunny is a complete and utter masochist. He will never tell his boyfriend this because he loves the guilty look on the guy’s face after a “session” (also see: after pushing the guy’s buttons ‘til he explodes) or an experiment wherein he basically forces his poor lover to hurt him “for Science.”

However, again, he will only accept such treatment from his boyfriend. Anyone else runs the extreme risk of attempted murder with themselves as the victim.

ALPHYS, PEN NAME 'SHEL'

The magibio limb of the Sci Lab Trio and its medical expert vying for the position of Royal Physician, Alphys – much to her chagrin – is the one that has to patch the two idiots up whenever they get scrappy or perform an experiment in such a way as to eschew every single rule of laboratory safety. Fortunately, she is very, very good at it.

She is, however, not above using her boss for her more experimental procedures and cures. As of yet she has not subjected him to her DT research, but it’s always tempting…

There was a time when she confused the hell out of her boss by signing some of her research papers (those relating to DT and the use of genetically altered fungi as limb replacements or whole bodies for ghost monsters) as Shel after reading some human book she found at the dump (“Frank and Stine” or something of the sort). The confusion has since been cleared up and she continues to do this as a means to differentiate between her research and collabs or things assigned for her to do a write-up on.

She has a side-gig creating sex toys out of the same genetically altered fungus that she uses in her research and experiments. Do you want a strap-on the magically interfaces with your body and lets you feel like you actually have a dick while you plow your lover into oblivion? She’s your gal. Want something made with a specific scent or “cum” (that regenerates over time if you stick it in a bowl and feed it a specialized formula) taste? You can probably find her phone number scribbled somewhere on the wall at the back of the bar. Ovipositor that creates its own harmless – and even edible – eggs? Hit up this pangolin pronto.

She doesn’t just do strap-ons. Dildos are fair game, too, obviously, with much the same options.

Funds go to funding her research… And wardrobe!

Her LV is unknown and she likes to keep it that way.

Post-Bunny and Surface Era info pending.

COMIC "FUSE" SANS SERIF

The hot-headed machinist of the Sci Lab Trio. Clocking in at exactly four feet even when he isn’t wearing his boots (they add a little less than an inch), this guy pretty much lives up to his pun of a pet name–even though he either has yet to realize it, or has already since vented his frustrations about it.

He has a terrible handle upon his temperament. Resorting to violence isn’t unheard of. He’s the scourge of unruly computational devices everywhere. Fortunately he knows how to fix most of the things his anger issues drive him to break.

For those he can’t fix, there’s always Alphys.

His LV is 8, though he doesn’t like admitting to it. Achieving that level of violence wasn’t on purpose. Some people just have a habit of not knowing when to shut up.

On Friday evenings he has a side-gig at BP’s Resort. His comedy routines are rife with gallows humor and generally dark jokes. With that said, however, he is a Sans at heart – he will not pass up on a terrible pun.

His other side-gig involves tuning up and otherwise improving upon other monster’s rides. What, you think there aren’t alternative means of transportation? The Underground cave systems are spacious enough for motorized bikes and those fancy doohickeys with the claws that scale the cave walls like spiders.

POST-BUNNY After the inevitable occurs, Chara jumps ship and offers Fuse the same deal they offered Bunny. He, of course, accepts, and proceeds to Reset to the point they last saved – except Bunny no longer exists so things are a little different. Rather than coming-to in the lab with his fist through one of the monitor screens he comes-to at one of the snowy region’s outposts. It’s about a year before Frisk falls. In the meantime, Fuse adjusts to sharing his existence with a playful human ghost (who has a lot of horrible stories about all the timelines where Bunny f***ed up) whilst also adjusting to all the changes that he’s unfamiliar with. His brother proves to be a positive influence on his temperament; unlike Bunny, who encouraged and enabled all of his negative traits, Papyrus, alias pending, encouraged and enabled the more positive ones. When Frisk does fall, they’re immediately hostile. However, they have to contend with a monster who isn’t going to put up with their bullshit as soon as they leave the Ruins, who can Reset and learn from past timelines. The problem, of course, is that Chara’s Save Point is about a year before Frisk falls. Every time Fuse Resets they have to wait another year-or-so before Frisk falls again. Fortunately they can also Remember whenever Frisk Resets. It’s still a big jumbled mess, compounded by the fact that each Reset brings a little piece of Bunny back extremely wrongly so even when Fuse sets them back a year, after some time, it offers little reprieve: his ex eventually pieces himself back together enough to “return” as a creepy abomination of his former self. Somehow, some way still left unfigured out, the Barrier is still eventually destroyed; Frisk, Chara, and Bunny all die (again) or get erased (again) in the process. SURFACE ERA Due to absolutely no legitimate businesses feeling up to hiring a guy who is actually qualified for several things but lacks “proper certification,” he ends up working at a chop-shop and rubbing elbows with the criminal underbelly of the city. He quickly becomes very good at carjacking. His brother doesn’t agree with his life choices, of course. On more than one occasion Paps ends up having to bail him out of jail. Fuse always makes sure to pay him back with interest, of course. Occasionally Fuse runs a stand selling rather obscene but also kind'a cute food creations at the behest of his brother who keeps trying to push him towards legal means of making money. Unfortunately he does not have a food handling license and humans are way too easily scandalized. He keeps in touch with Alphys–in this last timeline they were work colleagues. She often drags him out to classy and cute cafes when her fish woman’s too busy to go with her.

GASTER GLOVES

better design pending

'Gaster Gloves' edition #1 but I'll probably be too lazy to revise. They enhance the wielder's natural strength 10* exponentially. While they're also capable of firing beams from their mouths like Blasters, it's a less powerful auxiliary function that can also be used to maneuver -- think rocket jumping from TF2. It requires a surface and comes with the potential of causing damage to the user if the distance between user and surface is lacking.

Ｌｉｖｉｎｇ Ｄｏｌｌ subspecies info

Assumed in the past by Humans to be cursed or haunted objects, and otherwise assumed to be a type of Ghost Monster, "Living Dolls" are not at all undead and can be better likened to snails or molluscs. Their external body is not the true Monster, but a protective house that grows around them. As such, their "skin" is hard to the touch, and their natural DEF tends to be rather high.

Extracting the Monster from its shell is a surefire way to kill it, and it is very much a one-way process in that there is no way to put them back in in a way that will save them. They can survive for a time if the extraction process is not "too" physically traumatic, but becoming dust is inevitable.

Every "shell" is different. Some are more or less humanoid; some have and some lack detachable parts.

In Bunny's case, he lacks a "true" face. Each "face" is a magically created mask, of which he has many in reserve for a variety of expressions, but getting stuck on one that doesn't match the situation at all happens often. A moment of obfuscation is required to change expressions lest the nature of this physical quirk (and exploitable weak spot) become noticeable to anyone with keen observational skills.

It is possible to forcibly remove his "face," but it is highly inadvisable as it is a surefire way to make an enemy out of a mad scientist.

The black spots on his external shell are also weak points. They're places where his internal body isn't covered by the shell, and as such, they're soft to the touch.

ART DUMP

^ first time doodling these nerds

Playing around with Papyrus, who will probably be some sort of halloweenie raver.

First attempt at "Bunny but he came back wrong" -- when a bitch doesn't have enough data to put their face back on...

I don't have any good images of the current iteration (drippier, meltier) but I do have this - his presence comes parceled with noises that sound like the beginning of this song. Flashing image warning from the get-go.

[pastelglows]

I am in a strange mood. Strange doesn't quite explain a feeling, does it? And... the thing is, I can't really put into words, how I'm feeling. I just know that there's a lot running through my mind, maybe a little too much at once. I know I have to sort these things one by one, step by step... but it took me some time until I was ready to start with that.

Anyway, one thing that's keeping me up at night is unrequited love, as cliché as that sounds.

YouTube recommended a song I haven't heard in quite some time. It reminded me of him, and I couldn't help but write out some thoughts about him... somehow it turned into this mess of a love letter.

I don't know why I decided to post this, but since I'm never going to send it to him, I still wanted to share this strange mood with someone.

Dearest J,

I know you probably did not expect to get this. And probably, you don’t know what to do with my words. Please, just know that this letter comes from deep within my heart and it's written in all honesty.

Sometimes I wonder how I look like through your eyes. Crazy? I guess I am crazy. I’ve been this girl standing a couple of feet away from everyone else, always just watching. All this time, I’ve been looking at you from afar, until you decided to walk up to me. Initially, there wasn't much more than mild interest, but with your charming way of words, you quickly turned it into attraction, into anticipation for the next time I would meet you, into something even more, even deeper.

Once or twice, I was brave enough to hint my feelings towards you, but I never dared to do more, say more. Yet I do remember a hug that we shared, and it was the most comfort I've ever felt from such a simple touch. For once, I felt like it really is going to be alright at the end.

You’re like my favourite book at the library - stacked on the tallest shelf, but no ladder in sight. And me? I’m quite short, so no chance of ever reaching you. You’re like the forbidden fruit. Forbidden, but all too tempting. But I’m not near as brave as Eve. And maybe that's for the best, because I know one bite wouldn’t be enough. Once I get a taste of you, I would want all of you. I guess I am quite greedy as well.

Whenever we had the pleasure to share a conversation, I fell a little harder for you. Ever wondered why it’s called “falling” in love? Recently I thought about it, and you know, the phrasing is pretty logical once you experience it. Just imagine stumbling over a cliff, and you begin to fall. You fall and fall. At first, you’re scared, and then you can’t help but enjoy this feeling, that tingly feeling in your stomach as you experience free fall, the rush of adrenaline running through your system. And then you reach the point where you start to worry about how you're going to land.

In my case, I knew it would hurt. I tried really stupid ways of trying to soften my landing. I even tried to forget that I was falling. I should have known better. But I just hoped that somehow, I would live through it without a single bruise.

But my heart shattered into pieces. It was impossible to mend it back together, at least not the way it was before. Sure, it's doing the same as it did before, but everything feels a little off.

I always wondered how it would feel to be able to love you, to really show you all the love I have for you. Just thinking about it... I think I'd get easily addicted to that, you know? And how would it feel to be loved by you? Just as addicting?

Would you like to know what I imagine how your love feels like? When I close my eyes I imagine the warmth of the sun on my skin. Everything is tinted in colours of honey and amber. The fresh and comforting yet spicy scent of ginger, a taste that prickles on my lips just thinking about it. Your eyes, blue and deep like the ocean. I dream of diving right into them. You just feel like summer to me. A perfect dream of summer. Like a gentle breeze caressing my face, the taste of ripe cherries, spontaneous trips to the beach, star gazing while talking until the sunrise, and oh so hot and humid nights that we get in August.

You’re off limits. I know that. That’s why I contemplated whether to tell you about my feelings. I remember, the last time we saw each other, your words were so gentle to me. And I remember asking you, if maybe in our next lives, we would have a chance. And you said yes.

We were both going through some hardships at that moment. We said we would meet again in a couple of months, when certain things have settled. We still haven't heard from each other, but I like to think that neither of us is reaching out, because we’re scared of what could be. I hesitated to put these unspoken feelings into words. But here I am. I feel guilty about feeling this way, I truly do.

J, you deserve all happiness. You deserve to show your bright eyes and smile when you passionately talk about your ideas. You should show your sly grin when you’re joking around more often, because that makes you even more irresistible. You should laugh as much as you can, love as hard as possible and get loved even more so.

With that I will end this letter. Just know, that I’ll be waiting for you in our next life, praying that you’ll find me there.

Forever yours.

V

[astra-nomy]

FOCUS ON THE END: focus on the desire, not the process.

Hello my little stars! So recently I've gotten a lot of asks about dealing with fears of not getting your desires - which is, by the way, totally not possible, as your desires are yours the minute you decide you have them, but I understand that it can be daunting to know this and tempting to wonder "What if...?" so let me tell you what it's all about.

First, these feelings are normal. Please, please, please do not beat yourself up for feeling them. We are humans, we experience emotions, and yeah! Sometimes that includes fear. But the only power the emotions have are the power we allot them. Do not shame yourself for feeling disappointment or fear. Instead, know that these emotions cannot interfere with any of your manifestations. Rest easy in knowing that.

Next, I said this recently when I reblogged a post by @lavender--fairy, but I'll show you word for word what was said:

"You don't get what you want, you get what you focus on." (@lavender--fairy)

AHH I LOVE!! I once saw a video (I don't exactly remember who, it was on tik tok lol) about how when you ski through densely wooded places, if you continuously think, "Don't hit the trees, don't hit the trees," you will only see trees and you would be bound to hit them. If you simply flip "Don't hit the trees" to "Follow the path," you'll be able to continue on just fine :)

So basically, if you take something from that, let it be that you should focus more on your desires themselves than what it takes to have them. You already have them, so don't agonize over how or when or why. Choose to give attention to what it feels like to have these desires rather than your fears of not having them. As, @lavender--fairy said, you get what you focus on.

So what does this look like? If you get a fleeting thought along the lines of "What if I don't get my desires?" stop for a moment. Either flip the phrase to "Why would I wonder that? I already have my desires!" and go about your business or immediately turn your attention to something about having your desires that makes you happy. For me, I would have a "fallback scenario" so that, whenever doubts crept in, I would have the same visualization to run through set and locked so that I wouldn't find myself scrambling for something to lift my spirits. For me, it was driving in my SP's car with the song Ava by Famy blasting. I'd imagine the temperature of the air and the way I felt and the way he looked. It doesn't have to be that detailed, I just liked immersing myself in that scenario. And guys - it came true. I got to live that scenario. I didn't realize it for a few minutes, but as the first chorus of the song came on, I was like, "This is my fallback scenario. It's my reality now." and when I tell you I was SO OVERJOYED.

To summarize: focus on what you want, not what you don't want. You have to understand that your fears are well meaning, but they don't serve, and if they don't serve you, there is nothing wrong with putting them aside. I guess this can be called living in the end, but it's more about what you pay attention to. Whenever doubts creep in, don't pay any mind to them. Pay attention to the happy memories you have involving your desire. Know that they are yours. Give that happiness all the power, and you'll have your desires in the blink of an eye.

Alright, that's it! Thanks for reading my stars, and have a lovely day living the life of your dreams <3

- Astra

[vdlest]

The Roommate

Characters:

TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Neighbor!Reader

Summary:

Bucky Barnes as your neighbor is a good thing, especially when you need company. You two instantly became friends ever since he heard you listening to classic songs, and that you prefer "old but classic" stuff. To make the long story short, you fell for him, but when you confessed your feelings for him, he avoided you. And you thought that's how your beautiful start would end.

Warning:

Fluff

This is why you sometimes hate Sundays, you have nothing to do, and you're bored as fuck.

There's nothing to watch on Netflix, you have no new books to read, and no new episode of a podcast to listen to. So at the moment, you are just lying on your bed, staring blankly at your room's ceiling.

If only you're still living with your ex-roommate, Ana, the two of you must've talking gossips and having conversations about life nonstop. But she's not here since she moved to a different State last week already for a new job opportunity. She didn't want to leave you but she can't say no to a job opportunity, and you can't keep her from achieving her dream as well. So here you are, hoping that your next roommate will be just like Ana.

You were about to grab the remote control of your television inside your room when your phone vibrated, signaling that you have a text message.

Hey, I saw your post on the internet and that you're looking for a roommate. I'm interested and hoping we could meet today somewhere so we could discuss it.

You frowned a bit when you noticed that the sender of the message didn't mention any name nor introduce himself/herself.

Just when you're about to reply to this text, you received another message from the same number.

I'm Sam by the way.

Now that this sender finally introduced himself/herself, your confusion vanished, and decided to meet with this potential roommate of yours. Although you're still not quite sure whether this Sam is a guy or a girl, nonetheless, that's not important. What's important for you is that he or she is not a bad person and a heartbreaker.

You agreed to meet with your potential roommate in a nearby coffee shop in an hour. So you got up and went your way to your shower to prepare for this unexpected meeting.

The moment you entered the coffee shop you and your potential roommate agreed to meet on, you grab your phone and dialed the number of the person you're meeting, Sam.

Well, at least, you're not gonna die out of boredom. ───────────────────❥

"Hello?" you began when you heard that Sam already accepted your call, "This is Y/N. I'm already here in the coffee shop. Can you like raise your hand so I could see you?" you asked.

You roam your eyes around as you wait for Sam to answer in the other line.

"I'm right behind you," a familiar voice spoke on the other line.

Your heart skipped a beat when you heard that familiar voice.

You slowly turn around and see for yourself if your hunch is right about that familiar voice.

Hell, you are right.

It was him. It was Bucky.

It was the man you fell for.

Your eyes met his blue eyes when you face him. He was still holding his phone to his hear when you two face each other.

Seeing him now made you remember how you told him that you like him and that you're starting to fall for him already, and at the same time, you remembered how he walked out of your apartment and broke your heart into pieces. He left without any words. He just left and avoided you from then on.

Well, not until this day came.

"What the hell are you doing here?" you asked him straight on his face as you end your call with your supposed to be a potential roommate and put your phone inside your bag, "And what kind of sick joke this is?"

Bucky took a deep breath as he moves a step closer to you, "You have every right to be mad at me, and I won't question it. I've been a jerk, an asshole, I get it. But I was hoping you'd listen to me," he said.

You scoffed, "Listen to you? Listen to the guy who walked out on me on the night that I confessed my feelings? That's a bit absurd, don't you think?" you sarcastically smiled at him as you ask him. You shook your head, "This is going nowhere. So long, old friend."

You were about to walk past him when he gently grabbed your wrist to stop you from walking away from him.

"Please, Y/N. I'm begging you," he made you face him again, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to avoid you as much as I didn't mean to love you."

Love you? He loves you?

He nodded, "Y/N, that night you told me that you like me and that you are actually falling for me, I was the happiest man alive. But that happiness faded away the moment I remembered who I am, and who I was. Instantly, I realized that you don't know me that well for you to love me that easily," he explained.

"Let's say you really do love me and that there's still I need to know about you," you pull back your hand away from him and crossed your arms in front of your chest, "Why tell me now? Why confess to me right now?"

"Because I fucking love you damn much already," he answered back immediately. He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes for a second before he started talking again, "I tried my best to forget you, to forget what I feel for you but it's fucking too impossible. So I thought that if I'd let you know who I really am, who I was, I'll leave you the choice whether you still want to be with me or not."

You can't believe that this is happening right now.

A month ago, you realized that you don't have every time in the world to take your time to confess your feelings for Bucky, so you did confess to him. However, he broke your heart. And now here you are, you are very tempted to kiss him right now but you fought the urge to since you are curious about who he really is.

Bucky extended his hand towards you, "Come with me."

You took a glance at his hand before you look at him again, "I don't know, Bucky," you looked down and shook your head, "You already broke my heart and I don't think I have enough trust in you to come with you."

He chuckled, "You have a swiss knife on your bag, you have a pepper spray, if I do something vile to you, use it. I won't fight it," he assured.

Despite the heartbreak he gave you, you won't deny the fact that he's still charming to you. So yes, you ended up saying yes and coming with him.

➽──────────────────❥

"What the hell are we doing in the Smithsonian museum, Bucky?" you ask him as you both walk inside the museum.

It was a long drive from NYC to DC. You fell asleep the whole time you two were on the road. You wanted to ask him why does he have to take you to DC, but you were too tired to give a damn. So you let him take you to the place that will show you who he really is.

But you never thought you'd end up here in the Smithsonian Museum.

He didn't answer you, instead, he leads the two of you inside the exhibit made for the legacy of Captain America, Steve Rogers.

You chuckle and shook your head as you both walk inside the exhibit, "If we're planning to steal Cap's shield, I hate to break it to you but there's a new Captain America already," you joked.

"Yeah, I know," he casually answered, "I know him."

Your brows furrowed as you look at him, "The former Captain America or the new one?" you asked him, not sure if he's kidding or not.

"Both of them," he sighed and stopped walking. He faces you, "Before we proceed," he grabbed your hand and sighed again, "I want you to know that I love you, I really do. I also want you to know that I'm sorry for breaking your heart, for hurting you, but there's a lot of reason why I had to do it."

Your heart melted the moment he told you that he loves you. It wasn't the first time, but it feels like it. You wanted to tell him that it doesn't matter who he was and who he is because, for you, love is love. It doesn't give a damn about anyone's real identity. But you two have come a long way to back out now.

"Ready?" he asked you.

You nodded, "Yeah. I'm ready."

You and Bucky walked a few seconds more, but your body froze the moment you saw his picture inside Captain America's exhibit. He was beside Captain Steve Rogers.

"Battle tested, Captain America and his Howling Commandos quickly earned their stripes. Their mission, taking down HYDRA, the Nazi rogue science division."

"Bucky?" you murmured when your eyes landed on the picture of the guy standing next to you. You took a glance at Bucky and he was just looking at you and what your reaction will be. You look over Bucky's shoulder and saw a portrait of him plastered in a glass. You automatically walked there and check it for yourself.

"Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield. Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country."

There's both so much and too much to see in this exhibit, not the Captain America part, but the part where you realize that your neighbor, the guy you fell for is actually not the man you thought he is.

Beside Bucky's glass mosaic, you saw a video presented near it. It was Bucky and Captain Rogers.

"You weren't really kidding when you said that you knew the former Captain America," you said when you saw Bucky on your peripheral, looking at you, watching you.

"He's my best friend, and even he's gone already, he still is," he said.

You and Bucky walked around the exhibit more. He also showed you around Captain America's exhibit and even showed you the uniform he wore during his Howling Commando days.

You have no idea what to think or feel at the moment, but one thing's for sure, your love for him didn't fade away even if you knew who he really is and who he was, not even after he told you that he was the infamous Winter Soldier. You still feel the same for him and you have no idea why. Maybe because love is love.

After you two went ou the Smithsonian Museum, you two walked around the National Mall.

"Why did you think that showing me these would change my mind about you?" you asked him, breaking the silence between the two of you.

"Because I--"

You cut him off, "Because you assassinated people in the past?" you stopped from walking and faced him, "Or because you are a hundred and six years old man?"

"Y/N, you know---"

You cut him off again, "No, I don't know, Bucky. So tell me," you chuckled and shook your head, "Does these things supposed to change my mind? My heart? What I fucking feel for you? Well, sorry it didn't! Because even after I found out that you are Cap's best friend, that you were one of his Howling Commandos, that you were the Winter Soldier, and that you are an Avenger, I still feel the same way for you, I still see you as the guy I fell in love with, I still see you as my neighbor who likes Marvin Gaye so much that he listens to it through night and day, I still see you as Bucky Barnes," you told him.

The whole time you two were walking around the museum up to this scenic place in DC, you have nothing in mind aside from the fact that you were actually fascinated about who he really is.

Finding out that he's an avenger, that he's making this world a better place and saving it from going chaotic made you love him even more. Even the fact that he's a hundred and six years old man doesn't bother you at all and doesn't change how you see him.

"And if those things you showed and told me why you broke my heart, then I must tell you," you wiped your tears away, "You just wasted your time because it didn't change the fact that I love you. You told me that you're giving me the choice whether I still want to be with you or not, and I made my choice now, Bucky," you walked closer to him and held his right cheek, "I want to be with you."

Bucky held your hand that was on his cheek, and your eyes landed on his gloved hand because now you know why he was always wearing a leather jacket and covering his hand with gloves.

So you grabbed his hand and slowly remove the glove he was wearing, when you look at him, he was surprised by what you did.

"This is the hand that I will always hold onto, the hand that I will always choose to hold," you smiled at him.

You finally felt his vibranium hand on your cheek as he wipes your tears away, "I'm sorry if I had to hurt you that way. I'm sorry for breaking your heart, but I'm already here and I will not leave you," he pulled you closer to him and kissed your forehead, "I got you now and there's nothing else I could ask for," he pulled you again and this time it was the tip of your nose he chose to kiss, "I love you," he said before he finally claims your lips with his.

His lips dance with yours, and with every sway, you felt his longing, his love, and care for you. As cliche as it sounds, it was truly like your love for each other. It was pure and true.

"Who's Sam by the way?" you asked him after you two kissed, "Wait, Sam Wilson as in the Falcon?"

He nodded, "Yeah, the new Captain America. I asked him if I could use his name because I know you won't answer my calls," he said and sighed, "Anyway, you might have to take down your post about looking for a roommate."

You frowned, "And why is that?" you asked him.

"Because I'll be moving in with you," he revealed, which made your eyes widened in surprise, "Only if you want to of course."

You chuckle as you nodded, "I would love that."

"Just to be sure, you're my girlfriend now, right?" he asked you.

"For a hundred and six years old man, you're the most slow-moving one," you joked and run your fingers through his hair as he wrapped his arms around you, "I'm yours and you're mine, Bucky Barnes."

-v.dl

[buckybeardreams]

Fanfic asks: 1, 13, 21, 28

(yes I'm reading a few of your current works I haven't commented yet because I'm too overwhelmed but v soon, I prommy, I love them very much you're doing great as always, love ya)

1. favorite fic you wrote this year

Fuck, that's hard cuz I love everything that I write for different reasons. My favorite one that I've finished and posted would have to be Manors, cuz I just really love the dynamics and Tony in little girl dresses is just the cutest fucking thing to me.

Out of my current WIPs that have been posted it's a tie between Tempting and Little Stories, cuz they're literally the most self-indulgent shit ever, like they're both basically just an excuse for me to write porn. Yet I also get to explore some things that are really interesting to me that aren't necessarily just straight up porn lol

Like in Little Stories with Tony having so many struggles over being ace, but suddenly finding himself experiencing sexual attraction. Like that fic has allowed me to explore asexuality being on a spectrum and questioning your sexuality and how sexuality is fluid and can change over time, something which is so relatable to me.

Then in Tempting I get to explore this very relatable struggle of being put into a box and then struggling with your wants and desires that don't fit into that box, and we get to touch a little bit on gender later on as well, with Steve being okay with embracing girly things that are commonly associated with Omegas and Bucky rejecting most of those things, cuz he doesn't like being an Omega and would rather have presented as an Alpha.

I have a few chapters planned out that bring up Stuckony's preferences when it comes to gender or gender expression.

There's one where Steve talks to Peter about how gender feels very fluid to him and sometimes he feels more like a boy and other times more like a girl, but mostly he just likes being good and is usually happy to go along with it if his Alphas want to dress him up in pretty things and call him a good girl.

Then there's one where Bucky insists that he's not a girl and doesn't want to wear a dress and Tony says that's fine, but also points out that boys can wear dresses, too, and how he himself sometimes likes things that are associated with girls even tho he's a guy and an Alpha.

And then my fave might be one where Clint and Bucky want to put Steve in a skirt. Steve gets upset with them for teasing him about how he's so girly and Steve tells them he doesn't want to be a girl right now, even tho sometimes he likes it, but he still wants to wear the pretty skirt and Clint says, “Ah, I get it, so right now you want to be a pretty boy, is that right, baby?”

Oh and out of the things I've started but haven't posted yet, I have this series I'm working on called Fantasyland that is basically an excuse for me to write some of my more fucked up ideas/kinks and there's a shit ton of con non-con in it, also I do plan to write both necroplay and knifeplay scenes for it at some point

Don't know if that really answers your question lol, but that's my answer anyway 😂

13. favorite writing song/artist/album of this year

Okay so the song Just My Type by The Vamps made me think of WinterIron the first time I heard it, like I heard it and immediately was like this could be a WinterIron fic.

I want to write a fic based off of it with Tony being hurt after one too many bad experiences with shitty relationships and so he's not ready for a serious relationship, but he loves to flirt and tease and he pulls Bucky in and then gets scared and pushes him away. And Bucky just can't let him go no matter how many times Tony pushes him away and always ends up coming right back the moment that Tony smirks and licks his lips and asks for him to light his cigarette

I have found myself listening to this song on repeat one too many times to admit while writing fics lol

21. most memorable comment/review

Yeah, I'm not even gonna attempt to answer this one, cuz every comment makes me so happy and I've received so much love and support and I'm so grateful for all of it

28. longest fic you read this year

Ain't No Rest for the Wicked by Kellyscams

https://archiveofourown.org/works/3185375

Great fic, highly recommend. It's a sex worker Bucky, Stucky fic, and Bucky is so freaking adorable in it. It's like 300k words and I binge read it in like three days lol

[hughiecampbelle]

Gelid (John Shelby Drabble)

Character/s: John

Word Count: 902

Tag List: idek if I should add it @dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt @myriadimagines @lilyswritings @encounterthepast @writerdream22 @brithedemonspawn @death-of-a-mermaid @lotsoffandomrecs @woahitslucyylu @obsessedunicorn24 @thedarkqueenofavalon @fangirlsarah16 @theshelbyclan @creativemayhems @soleil-dor @thegirlwithoutaname87 @babylooneytoonz @peakyxtommy @locke-writes @lucillethings

A/N: When I tell y'all this is dark!!! I'm hesitant to even post this and might end up deleting idk. It's similar to Hypothermia, very macabre, I am warning you!! I have to say tho I'm really proud :) It's been a month since I've written anything. I have tons of ideas, the words were all just awful. I hope this is a good sign that I'm finally getting out of my slump/ getting rid of writers block and can finally get all my ideas out! Hope you enjoy!!!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜💖💜

Summary: Getting caught in the snow isn't as fun as it seems 💕

Gif Credit: @pcllygray :)

FIC MASTERLIST PART ONE. / PART TWO. / PART THREE.

WANNA BE ADDED TO THE TAG LIST?

You sat on his lap, heavy arms wrapped around you, his head resting on your shoulder. Unsure if he's awake or asleep, his breathing shallow, but consistent. You don't look back, though. Something about the uncertainty too enticing. Instead, cradled by the warmth of him, you watch the fire instead, listening to her sing-song voice crackle and whine. There's an infatuation you have with her, an admiration unspoken, a love you dare not share. The wisps, the whines, the cackle of her voice. On your cheeks, she is warm and inciting, her lips on your skin, face to face, skin to skin. Your hands threaten frostbite, though. Cold and small, every piece of your bone exposed. Never enough layers, he always chuckled, laughing the way he used to: always bashful, playful, pleasant. You lean towards him, his cap scratchy against your neck. She will not burn forever, and neither will you, but it'll be okay. You'll all go together, yeah?

The smoke moves as if she knows something you don't. Confident, smug, dancing in the wind, tempting you to follow. You knew better, though. She could run off, run away, without worrying about scraped knees, without worrying about the chill, thicker than blood, in the air. Like a child, wanting to be chased, giggling with secrets. The desire is there, to escape, to disappear between the silhouettes of the woods. Trees tall above, looming, grinning, rustling leaves violent, sharp. It is only the three of you under the deep blue sky, stars spelling words you can't read, urging you in every direction. Twinkling, stitched across the infinite above. They might have been stunning, beautiful, even breathtaking, in another life, another memory. Here, now, it was only horrific. Mocking you for your own mortality, your own limitations of which they know not, warm blooded, so unlike them. Holding secrets of the universe you could only dream of, your last thoughts those of envy towards constellations.

The fire, at first a parade of delicate dancing, eager to please, to show off, grows tired, her skeleton aching. Behind, you could hear him sniffling, shuffling, the snow below him nipping back. It was his idea, the fire. Something familiar, a distraction, anything to take your minds off the inevitable. You weren't sure how long it's been. Not since the car stopped, skidding off the icy roads. Not since wandering for help. Not since the creeping realization there was nothing out here, no one to help, to call, to do anything, only you and the great beyond. You hoped he would say something, anything, but he didn't. It wasn't the time to fill with words. You guessed it was better anyways. The quiet grew comfortable, the silence, no use in fighting it. Instead, you sat together, not wanting to sit in the car, to freeze there instead. In need of dignity, even now. The freedom of choice. Here or there. You chose here.

Eventually, his shivering stopped.

Stay close. Keep warm. You weren't quite sure which came first: his want to protect what little source of heat you had left, or his fears of dying alone, with no one to hold, or to be held by. An affectionate boy turned man, his hands never strayed too far. You didn't make him beg this time. The chattering of his teeth, the quiet of his voice, as if not to disturb anything more, it was enough for you to listen. Now, even if you wanted to, you could not get away. Tangled. Seen together. Not one, or two, but something more, something less, something about to find out what rests on thr other side.

You can't bear to look. His hands are enough of a sign. A blue tint settles into his freckled skin. The pinky ring, shiny below the bright of the moon, frozen solid. His breathing no longer rocks you. Instead, a stone sits in his chest, unmoving, unwavering, quiet. His name nothing but a faint whisper. He won't answer back, you know this, and yet you try regardless. Such a human thing to do: keep trying. His coat over your shoulders, one last act, one last joke. Stripping, at a time like this? He'd go first. He'd been out running the grim reaper long enough, his hand lay on his shoulder longer than you ever realized. Trying to give you a chance. Naive, your John, or maybe just a little too human, hoping for a miracle in a place as godless as this.

You're okay, though. You squeeze his hand, solid in your own, reassuring the goth of you this is what you want, what you're ready for. A sudden warmth spreading through you, an ease, a way out, too kind to refuse. The shaking has stopped, the shivering, the ache in your back settled. No more discomfort. No more pain. No more fear. You rest your head against his, waiting. The only sound left is the wind, howling, praying, the two too close. Even the sight of your own breath in the air is faint, struggling, exhausted.

The fire, she is done, nothing more than a pile of blackened sticks. And he is gone, too. There is no one else but you, and you too, have found an odd comfort in this. There has to be something more, right? Sometime better, something they know you don't. If there wasn't, what's the point of all this?