#you can tell they desire her so much
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Arlecchino's whole deal is unbelievable
Arlecchino: Huh I wonder what's causing my weird powers? I can't really worry about that right now tho, I've gotta become King and then kill my "Mother".
*Kills Clervie and "Mother"*
Arlecchino: Huh I wonder why I was able to defeat a Fatui Harbinger when I'm like 17 or so? I can't really worry about that right now tho, I've gotta be in jail and become a Harbinger.
*Is in jail for a while and becomes a Harbinger*
Arlecchino: Huh I wonder why I am-
Pierro: Hey what's up hello, anyways you're descended from the Crimson Moon Dynasty of Khaenri'ah. I'm sure that this is a lot for you to take in so-
Arlecchino: Ok.
Pierro: ...You're just cool with that?
Arlecchino: IDK maybe? I can't really worry about that at the moment, I'm a father now. This orphanage full of children I love (who also are child soldiers and are not allowed to leave or else I'll execute them except maybe now I'm just gonna wipe their memories IDK I'm morally complex) isn't gonna run itself.
*Runs the orphanage/spy recruitment initiative*
Me, the fucking player: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE KHAENRI'AN? WHY WASN'T THIS BROUGHT UP IN YOUR FUCKING QUEST?? OR ANYTHING ELSE????
Arlecchino, talking to me through my phone: I honestly don't know why you care, I'm too busy to give a shit. Anyways, I'm gonna go fight fate itself I guess. I'm sure that I don't share any thematic parallels with any other Khaenri'an characters (particularly as it relates to acting and family angst) and that I haven't made the idea of 'curses' on Khaenri'ans and what they entail even more complicated than they already were. See ya.
#arlecchino#genshin impact#pierro#WHY IS THE GAME FUCKING GLOSSING OVER THE FACT THAT SHE IS KHAENRI'AN?!#Not only that but she is the first Khaenri'an we've met (that we know of) who's from the Crimson Moon Dynasty#I'm so fucking confused#Did Celestia place a DIFFERENT curse on members of the Crimson Moon Dynasty?? Or is this stuff all of them can do???#HELP#She also seems almost...uninterested in the fact that she's descended from Khaenri'ah. Which honestly I think is interesting.#I don't know if I like it yet but when every other Khaenri'ah character has one of their major traits being that they super fucking#care that they are Khaenri'an (whether that be Kaeya with his paranoia/destiny/duty or Dain with his guilt over his failure/desire to#prevent our sibling from fucking with anything too much or whatever the fuck is going on with Pierro)#having a character who is Khaenri'an but doesn't seem to particularly be invested in that part of themself is different#she cares more about the curse and its effects on her then she ever really cares about the Crimson Moon Dynasty or the cataclysm#IDK I think it's neat from a character writing angle. or at least it has the potential to be if the writers do a good job.#But from a 'I like maybe 3 things in this game and one of them is Khaenri'ah' perspective it SUCKSSSSS#That part of the plot is already suffering from chronic live-service storytelling disease where people just straight up don't tell you#shit that they logically SHOULD BE TELLING YOU because the game needs to save plot points to build hype around#so for one of like 4-ish (depending on how much we count Albedo) Khaenri'an major characters to give us literally 1 and 1/2 voicelines#kinda sucks ngl. but again it's also interesting and realistic for Arlecchino and from that angle I like it#she doesn't care about what fate says her place in the world is. she's gonna carve her own and being Khaenri'an isn't relevant to#the life and identity she has built for herself. she isn't the type to look for answers she doesn't need. she's practical and efficient.#at the very least it's better than when Albedo 'I want to find all the world's truths' Kreideprinz doesn't let the audience in on his stuff
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Beauty and the Beast for the WIP game?
My only real attempt at writing poetry before this year happened during a stretch when I tried to write a Beauty and the Beast retelling in verse. I got about two-thirds of the way through before it fizzled out and languished forever unfinished.
When it comes to my recent novel-in-verse obsession, the simplest option would be to take another look at this work and try to finish it. There's a lot of terrible poetry in there, but there are some that are somewhat better than I remember. I can't claim to be a judge of what's good poetry, but some of these are readable, so I'll share some of them here.
The first set of semi-readable poems covers the first meetings between Beauty and the Beast. (These are all numbered, and I'm leaving the numbers in place to better differentiate between separate poems. I think the speaker in most of these is fairly clear from context, but just in case, I'll put the speaker's name in the title, too.)
VI. beauty and beast
he is every nightmare i’ve ever forgotten he is thunder and darkness and death he is fear with fangs he is beastly
she is every dream i’ve never dared for she is roses and sunlight and life she is hope with jewels she is beauty
*
VIII. beauty
the chair creaks when he sits
my knees quake when he speaks
the master laughs when i ask
when i will die
my ears doubt when i hear
my mind reels when i realize
the master wonders when i began
to think he’d kill me
IX. beast
the rules are these you are mistress of this castle the servants will obey your every whim the rooms and all within are yours including me
you will dine with me at dusk we will not speak if you want silence you will look at me and try not to scream
i will not harm a hair of your head i will not cause a moment’s worry you will do whatever you wish except leave
X. beauty
his mercy shatters my world makes it bigger and at the same time smaller
how can i live in a monster’s cage
my life will be long and lonely with him my friend and at the same time jailer
how can i look at a monster’s face
the castle teems with wonders that all belong to him and at the same time me
what do i do with a monster’s love
*
The next set of poems I feel like sharing starts with Beauty finding a portrait in the castle, and then leads into her sharing a dance with Beast that makes her kind of freak out over the fact that she might be falling in love.
XXII. beast
today you found a painting in a long-forgotten room covered in cobwebs and shrouded in dust
there was a reason it was lost
the portrait showed a man with a face like the dawn and eyes like the sea you thought he looked kind
he was young and a fool
you may keep it if you wish or lock it back in darkness it matters not to me i used to see him daily
i doubt i’ll see his face again
*
XXIV. beauty (and beast)
if rooms have souls the ballroom is wise a radiant beauty long past her prime
she treasures the days when she lived and was loved she keeps them and counts them like pearls on a string
(she is not the only one, my dear)
long past midnight in moonlight and hush this sleepwalking girl can glimpse former days
a flash of a gown and a whisper of waltz what glorious balls must this room have beheld
(they were marvelous indeed, my friend)
it seems a shame she grows old alone with nothing but darkness and dust held within
i would dance for her return the spark of life if only we had music and i had a partner
(i will gladly dance with you, my love)
XXV. beast
my dear beauty don’t you know i learned dancing long ago
one step closer take my hand with a waltz you’ll understand
let the music guide your feet in a dance that’s slow and sweet
hand in hand and heart to heart it’s not love but it’s a start
XXVI. beauty
he is hulking beastly
i am small delicate
i should be stumbling crushed
but
we marvelously miraculously dance
and it feels like flying
XXVII. beauty (to the portrait)
man on the wall i may be mad but i must give voice to the storm in my heart and you are the only one near
the master puzzles me i know his home as well as my own but i know so little about him
(is he beast or man or nightmare or dream or captor or friend)
i saw his face and thought him a beast
(but he grows roses and reads poems and has never killed or even raised his voice)
i heard his voice and thought him a monster
(but he spared my life gave me his home and all he owned offered his heart and never once has been anything but gentle)
i watched him dance and thought him a man
(with grace like an angel or a prince and i think that maybe he was not always so lonely and that his heart aches for things lost)
what am i to think do say be feel about him now
and why do these questions always come at midnight
*
The final poem is one that I had completely forgotten about, so I was shocked to find it lurking in the latter sections of the document and showing signs of using some decent imagery. By polishing up the last couple of lines, I've got something that's not half bad as a standalone poem.
This one occurs during an extended period when Beauty is still trying to process her feelings toward Beast and figure out if this is really love or if her feelings are being warped by isolation and close proximity.
XXX. beauty
if this is love it is a dark and grasping love a child stumbling in the night crying for a candle flame and cherishing the smallest spark of light
if this is love it is a bleak and desolate love a skeleton tree in a barren desert windbeaten and scrubbed to bone and bursting into bloom at the first drop of rain
if this is love it is a smoke and mirrors love a sleight of hand or trick of light that takes my broken heart and fools me into thinking he can make it whole
#answered asks#poetry#fictionadventurer poetry#adventures in writing#fairy tale retellings#beauty and the beast#i was surprised to find that for the most part the free verse was much better than the rhyming verse#in editing this i'd take out most of the rhyming poems#and work to actually characterize beauty and beast a bit more#i'm still debating whether this is worth polishing up#in terms of 'satisfying this mad desire to write a novel in verse'#this is the least labor-intensive one#a decent training ground for the format#(also can you tell that i was reading too much e.e. cummings when i originally wrote this?)#(unforunately all i managed to absorb was the most superficial stylistic things)#(i don't know if there was a thought process behind the specific line placement in beauty's 'talking to the portrait' poem)#(beyond just trying to convey that her thoughts are all over the place)#(so i didn't overthink the formatting here)#(but i do wonder what i could do with it if i had any clue how to go about using line structure like that)
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without you
#hxh#kacho and fugetsu#me when i err uhhh scribble#my art#seriously though can you tell im going crazy about hxh rn#like. just the fact that theres been so much of a focus on postmortem nen in the SW arc#like that zombie girl? misha? woah i cant believe i remembered her name straight off the dome those flashcards & pop quizzes must be workin#anyway the zombie girl who is like. still working with the mob after her DEATH!!??? like the amount of loyalty...#and so often we've seen post-mortem nen used in a violent of dangerous way. i.e. you kill ME i curse YOU#and then we saw hisoka use it as a fucking cheat code for death#its great its great but. just. ughh the idea that your nen ability... you know. the beast that was formed from your most intimate desires#and fears and weaknesses#the most primal needs in you brought to the surface#and at the heart of her being the thing kacho wants most in the world is to be with her sister#this is post-mortem nen. its not just curses and cheat codes but this prevailing love and refusal to let go of the ones care about the most#idk it reminds me a bit of the mechanics of kite's resurrection.. or hell the chimera ants in general#the prevailing humanity inside each of us#kacho isnt gone she loved fugetsu so much she fucking incarnated herself into a nen beast#i want this to be a thing where kacho is still alive in the way that the chimera ant reincarnations are alive yk? for my own sanity#but yeah. yeah. succesion war go brrrrrrr#screeds#hxh manga spoilers#hunter x hunter#art#prince kacho#prince fugetsu#kacho hxh#fugetsu hxh#without you
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I think you might find the mother-daughter sexual abuse angle in Black Swan of interest if you haven't already delved into that
yesss
I was really taken aback by their relationship when I first watched the film because the incestuous subtext was pretty blatant and I hadn't seen any discussion around it beforehand. The idea of the abusive mother is still pretty hard to register for certain people, so when you add sexual abuse into the mix, plus inflicted on another woman, it mostly disappears from analysis.
#asks#it made me absolutely crazy when I watched it at the time cause NO ONE was talking about it and I felt like I was just making connections#which weren't there#but so many things hint towards this interpretation and tbh it's not that surprising that it's an overlooked subject.#it's very often reduced as mommy issues as many relationships in other medias are without looking much further#(Sharp Objects for instance. like... how can you read the book and not see that. anyways)#Some of the interractions they have can be read this way (like the scene where Nina licks Erica's finger or 'are you ready for me?')#But the one where it truly clicked for me was when they showed Nina's room opened right after she wakes up from her night with 'Lily'#plus the 'Sweet Girl' during the sex scene#Tbh I can't really say if anything really happened between the two at this moment. but it's extremely telling to end the scene this way#The interpretation that Lily in this moment is a projection to think of somebody else while it's Erica who's truly there is plausible#However I don't know if Aronofsky thought of it that way. I think it was supposed to be read as an hallucination through and through and#given the incestuous undertones established earlier in the film it was more to be seen as a psychosexual/Freudian dynamic#But idk. Erica still violates Nina's boundaries repetively and says things concerning how attrative and sexually desirable she is#which are beyond the simple dominating role most people associate to her#SO YEAH ! I spent quite some time thinking about this relationship last year since I thought I was losing my mind at first#might have to rewatch Black Swan now...#black swan#my thoughts
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I assigned reading homework for the weekend and was hit by this wave of irritation with the implicit lying that goes on where they act like they’ll read the homework but they never actually do and so I called them on it and started teasing them and of course they laughed but then I was like “you know my secret dream is that you go home and you walk in the door and someone wants to do something fun with you or you get a text but you hold up your hand and say ‘no no, I have to read ten pages of Beowulf’ and then you sit down and do it” and they scream-laughed at the idea but I like to think it at least presented it to their minds as a possibility
#I ended up telling 3 of my classes because I thought it was so funny and so did they#But then it was sweet because my seniors (a handful of them at least) were like ‘but we do!!’#and then it just kickstarted this real discussion where I told them honestly that my job would radically change if everyone did the reading#like. It would challenge me so much more we could go so much further#anyway I know that mostly it doesn’t work. it being my passion for it and my desire for them to read#but sometimes I’m like if it could light a couple of fires! or help some kids even think of doing the reading as a real choice they HAVE#i also tell them that it’s a skill like any other and they can get better at it.#idk. So much of my job is also just telling them why they should. why they CAN. why their lives will be better if they do#there’s a senior girl who started listening to the audiobook every night when we were reading Emma and she started taking notes#and she’s started to flourish!!! Like you can tell she enjoys it and she’s so much happier with her time#and you guys I just love to see it so. much.#Anyway sorry for all the text posts it’s Saturday and therefore time for weekly processing#this has been#4 text posts in a row with Maria#teaching tag
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I totally was one of those people who thought nothing of Dorian honestly he was just the local cute boy and I didn’t care much for him.
Until Empire of Storms and how my man was completely transformed because of a certain witch like the real man hiding popped up out of nowhere because my girl Manon really made him work for it and he met every challenge and then some
#I’m sorry but the way he had her begging has altered something in my brain#booklr#books and reading#throne of glass#manon blackbeak#tog#dorian havilliard#manon x dorian#manorian#empire of storms#eos spoilers#spoilers#Manon wasn’t one of those women who woukd fall for his charming face#but that wasn’t the only thing he had#and my man is resourceful he drove her crazy with desire#shadow hands daddy Dorian is my favorite Dorian#you can tell these two are kinky af#and for once Dorian knows he can’t scare Manon away because they have the same energy (kinks)#I love him so much it physically hurts
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Tough day rambles
In a world with a different setting id be a prophet or a person with cool visions, id be a person worthy of protection and trust and friendship. Here im just paranoid and i worry about the wrong things. Somewhere else when i dance on my way to a shop everyone thinks im full of joy and whimsy and they dont think im drunk or childish. Somewhere else i can be around people for more than 5 hours before i shut down for the rest of the day. Somewhere else i dont remind everyone im stupid and dumb and i dont describe everything i do and feel as "slight" and "little" and "a bit", im able to love romantically and dream of tenderness and give it and recieve it. Idk i just hate myself a lot.
#period moment#im unable of feeling any positive emotion currently#but its true i am worthless#i always promise myself i wont enter new fandoms because in the end theyre just reminders of how ill never be cool and enough etc#i wish i had a confirmation that im not that bad#old man journalist who came to our uni said oooh i thought you were american with your accent and how much u use the word 'like'#i told him my vocabulary is just really really bad and he laughed but yeah omg what a way to tell me im dumb#and also guy from class texting me transphobic pro trump stuff just cause he wants me to give him arguments against what he says#why#just why#and im bad at german#and i havent started writing my article even tho i have over a month to do it#and i dont understand in between wars economics in germany#and i cant write my coalecroux and theres no point of continuing there are much better writers#everything i do is wrong and i dont understand what i should understand#disgusting uh i feel disgusting#my mom told me that her boyfriend got a “beautiful” christmas gift for me#dude why WHY would you buy me things that can be described as beautiful#i hate christmas#i just want to be somewhere else in a different world#i want to be in avantris i want to use magic i dont want to be human#i wish i was older because maybe when youre like 27 your opinions and feelings matter#but im over here rocking back and forth and sucking on a necklace like a fucking baby watching wizard of oz#how do you stop hating yourself i dont get it#i dont fuckinf understand anything#everything is clouded with my desire to be dead or somewhere else and its been like this for a decade i just want it to stop#goodnight i hope i dont fucking wake up i hope my cat scratches my stomach open and eats my body so im useful for something
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Actually I’ve come to the conclusion that Cynthia would like Kingdom Hearts for the exact same reason she likes Graces f (the homoerotic tension,,,,,,)
#Also she’s just an action girlie in general! (sorry dism you have Inigo to enjoy turn-based games with instead 💔)#just pav things#She likes graces better though because it has multiplayer :) So she gets to ramble to Inigo as they both play!#In her mind this is basically forcing Minty to pay active attention to said homoerotic tension rather than passively watching 😎#But also she assumes that with Inigo’s demeanour he doesn’t want to be there :(#So also in her mind she is trapping Inigo into socialising more actively with her. Gaming is a cover for her desire to connect with him#After all it’s easy to say ‘heeey you promised you were gonna do a full playthrough with me >:(‘ and not ‘I really miss you’#Classic You Have No Name Poor CommunicationTM ✨✨✨✨#Inigo DOES want to be there wholeheartedly and sincerely derives enjoyment out of neurodivergent people monologuing about their interests#He loves his creachurs very much and that’s why he gets along so well with Dism and Cynthia! Inigo enjoys interesting people :)#Buuuuuuut he’s driven to suppress his feelings for Cynthia in particular because he’s trying to prevent having an attachment to her#Attachments lead him to get careless and hurt people :) Murder them even :) And then it hurts reeeaally bad :3#Of course this is where you can see the flaw in his logic#Why would he be trying to protect Cynthia from himself. If he didn’t already have an attachment to her in the first place <3#He doesn’t want Cynthy to ‘die’ bc he loves her. Inigo tries so hard to deny this fact in his head bc it defies his faulty belief system#he wants to keep indulging in the Lie born from his emotional Wound :3#In truth though feigning detachment makes him incredibly lonely and dissatisfied and ultimately hurts them both 💔#Cynthia doesn’t help in this either with her own ambitions to heal him hurt/comfort fanfic style for her own loneliness’s sake#So in conclusion fuck yeah codependent relationships ✨ truly a concoction of bottled up feelings#We love the drama hehehe. On some days I even prefer this over Dism and Archie’s mess just because of how natural and realistic it is#There’s no spiriters adding fuel to the fire and facilitating corruption this is just 100% flawed people doing flawed things!#…..Can you tell I was thinking of the moment where Cynthia and Inigo mend their relationship today 😭❤️
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Beginning-of-the-timeskip sketch
#not nearly far enough in2 my 03 rewatch 2 b knowledgeable on the subject(my memory can b questionable)but Im having timeskip brainrot again#like given that Rose wasn't in her right mind when all the stuff in the underground city was going on and Al lost his memories of it#the only person who came back to Winry who could tell her what happened to Ed would be Wrath right?#so she would look at this child who she knows has a vested interest in killing Ed#at the fact that he looks like he's been in a brutal fight#and at Ed being gone#like ''hey kiddo uh. did you kill my friend?''#and Wrath is probably having So Many Emotions at the time#like two of the most fundamental parts of Wrath's character are his desire for familial love which makes him latch onto Sloth as his mother#and his trauma over being stuck in the Gate#but Wrath's never been through the gate. He can't have any actual reason to believe there is a ''through'' to it#so we have Edward. who fucking killed Sloth but who also as far as Wrath knows is trapped in the Gate just as Wrath had found tortuous#would Wrath pity Ed? would he think Ed got what he deserved? Would Wrath wish the gate on anyone?#and Wrath'd be stuck in Resembool while getting his automail done#Surrounded by people who care about Ed and want him to tell them what happened to Ed. with all his old allies dead/as good as dead#god early timeskip must have been so much for Wrath#my art#fma#fma 03#Winry Rockbell#Wrath#timeskip/cos al + wrath stuff#<- ik Al's not in this post but it's in a similar vein
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#I'VE GROWN INTO A DEEPLY UNLOVABLE ADULT: playlist.#I know this is kind of a weird place to start with misao BUT I swear this song is relevant to her character jsjsj#During the 400 years she spent in Japan after she left home she had actually become acquainted with Japanese Pirates.#And she had joined them on their ' travels ' ( which basically just means raids / illegal exploits JSJSJ ).#But something unexpected happened during her time spent with them. There was one other woman on the ship and of course Misao wanted to try-#to connect with them as a result. And Misao was left being in complete wonder of her as she had never seen someone be so agile with a sword#before that point since the other woman in question ( her name was reika ) was known for being a BRILLIANT swordfighter. and due to her-#bunk being right above reika's they often found themselves have late night convo's with each other. And over time Misao felt this-#overwhelming feeling of warmth within her heart whenever she was around her as they soon began spending pretty much every single waking-#moment of their time together. And because Misao had never experience romantic love before this point she had thought she just held a deep-#admiration for Reika for a while. But then Reika volunteered to show Misao how to sword-fight and that's when she knew that she loved Reika#Because every single time she would physically correct Misao's stance with her hands or show her how to do a move more properly-#Misao felt this uncontrollable desire to kiss her. She just thought that Reika was so beautiful. And she wanted to have the spirit-#of a ' warrior ' just like her. So she reallyyy wanted for Reika to be her gf and after having a nightmare one night-#(because she is unfortunately plagued with them sometimes) and Reika expressed her concern for Misao by telling her that she could sleep-#in the same bed as hers Misao could've sworn that her heart stopped for a second and she was hesitant to at first but crawled in bed next-#to her anyhow in the end and after just laying there for a bit Reika turned to face her + just look into her eyes for a moment Misao asked-#if she could kiss her and Reika laughed and said something akin to ' oh if you only knew how long i've wanted for you to say that. -#of course you can ' and from that moment on Misao + Reika were a couple. And Misao was sooo in love with her that she wanted to find a way-#to make her immortal too. But decided not to when the topic was met with Pity by Reika whenever Misao finally revealed to her what she-#really is. Though the years that Misao spent with her were perhaps the happiest she's ever had. And she still loves Reika to this day.#She is also the reason why Misao wants to perfect her sword-fighting skills. Because she wants to make Reika proud of her.#... wherever she may be.#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.
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big fan of aromantic kinitopet as an aro individual. now how do I reconcile that with selfshipping with him
#kinitopet#he would fr believe that romantic attraction is the only explanation for how unbearably intense his love for you is#not to ramble but I have a 'crush' on an pal of mine & I recently came to the conclusion that I don't want to date her#because to me every aspect of a romantic partnership that I might desire is just something I can get out of a friendship#i.e. hanging out as much as possible giving gifts & compliments telling her I love her. that stuff#I can do all those & still just be friends. so I choose not to pursue her romantically#I forgot what this had to do with the post. I'm saving myself for kinito#I feel like he would want to be your partner because he was lead to believe that that's 'more important than friendship'#but maybe down the line after a while... he decides he'd rather be friends. but you still do all the lovey dovey stuff you love :]
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.
#not 2 be like. negative but i just kinda got hit hard by the way my relationship w my best friend has changed#dont get me wrong i understand that her girlfriend will be super important to her esp bc she lives across the world and is only physically#here for another 2 or so weeks#but my best friend just got back from a trip to another city to see an artist she loves and as she came in i got up to go see her and ask hl#how it was but she was in her room w her gf before i could and thats fine i get it and like she hasnt done anything wrong i can not#emphasize that enough like i hold no bitter feelings to her she is excited to talk to her gf understandably#it just hit me that like. oh yeah. i have no one else that i go to about literally anything but she does#and its less ab her so much as its. its just hitting me that i dont really have? friends?#i have one or two people but like. i only have One Person thats my go to fave person always tell them everything#and i just. I've realized that its not reciprocated the way it used to be#and that i think is just like a part of growing up#i dont have a partner i dont have someone my life is intrinsically linked to#like a best friend is great but its not. relationships are placed to a higher level you know like its jusy more important#and i just. ive nevr Had a partner really. unless u count a like 2 month thing when i was 12 which i dont count#not to be depresso but i am just not the kind of person that people want or desire#and thats been the case long before i came out as trans but its extra complicated now since i dont. Fully pass#idk not 2 sound sad i just wanna be loved#and i think theres only so many times i can hear the most important person in my life come home and talk excitedly ab things thru the walls#and then never actually get told anything myself. not just ab things shes excited for but just in general#we were meant to go to a house viewing together a few days ago and it was only half an hour before it was happening when no one else was#home that i messaged them to check in and they were like oh yeah we're not going we have this and this going on#which like. fine whatever but i dont drive and getting anywhere fast is hard so it just. was stressful#but it just seems like i am constantly out of the loop. everyone i live with is in a relationship w each other and i am just here#in every aspect of my life i am Just There and im tired of it#not to sound desperate or needy but i just would like to. be noticed? or feel prioritized? or even wanted#idk this is. i just needed to rant i think im emotional bc my hormones r a bit wack#im due for my testosterone shot in a few days but i dont have the money or time to go to the doctors lately so its being pushed back#a few weeks and its just. i think its messing w me a bit#i mean i feel this way literally all the time but just the like. the being upset and emotional and posting ab it i think is bc of that#idk i needed to get it out idk it this will stay up or not
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✿
bold for things i could definitely see or want, italics for things i could see or am unsure of and striked out for things i don’t want or cannot see.
FRIENDSHIP. childhood friends / work buddies or coworkers / family friends / friends with benefits / smoking buddies / adventure buddies / fake friends / recently friends / party buddies / friendship of need / dying friendship / circumstantial friendship / partners in crime / old friendship /[your muse] is the good influence /[your muse] is the bad influence /[my muse] is the good influence /[my muse] is the bad influence / opposites attract / ride or die / frenemies / roommates or flatmates / penpals / exes to friends / enemies to friends / other
ROMANCE. childhood sweethearts /[your muse is mines] childhood crush /[my muse is yours] childhood crush / exes / exes to lovers / forbidden lovers / highschool sweethearts / secret relationship / opposites attract / long distance / unrequited [from your muses side]/ unrequited [from my muses side]/ unrequited [from both sides]/ skinny love / friends to lovers / enemies to lovers / spurious relationship / power couple / newly entered / soulmates [ metaphorical ]/ soulmates [ literal ]/ awkward / turning toxic (only in Godhood Path) / toxic love (only in Godhood Path) / cheating [on your muse]/ cheating [with your muse]/ other
FAMILIAL. siblings [half]/ siblings [step]/[my muse] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure /[my muse] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse /[my muse] is a parental figure to yours /[my muse] is a child figure to your muse / guardian figure / legal guardian / adoptive child / foster child /[your muse] is taken under mines wing /[my muse] is taken under yours wing / other
ANTAGONISTIC. dangerous to each other / dangerous to others / unpredictable / rivals / petty / developing into sexual or romantic tension / based off family matters / based of off circumstance / based of professional matters / based off misunderstanding or lies / conflict of ideology / betrayal / hero - villain dynamic / enemies / fight club / friends turned enemies / lovers turned enemies / exes turned enemies / other
#wizofwaterdeep#ANSWERED.#(hoo boy. Gale. Gale is a complex one regarding Valerya and the companions)#(because a good part of me is debating on her stance with choosing Godhood or staying as he is now and moving past Mystra)#(since she herself is trying to escape her illness with partial ceremorphosis and becomes lost in her wonder and desire to know all on it)#(it's almost morbid; and that morbid curiosity would definitely spur itself open with the Karsite Weave and whatnot)#(beyond that though; a lot of this is back & forth as you can tell but i do overall see them as very deeply intertwined people in some way)#(not just both of them being wizards but in a way; both of them are chronically and terminally ill)#(she's more than willing to always give him magical items in Act 1; likely knowing more than anyone save for Gale on how precious those are#(she likes how good-natured he is and how much he loves to just... talk. and share his mind)#(Valeryana was never able to do much of that even in the academy; so much distrust and ambition is woven into drow society)#(you can't trust anyone. yet gale is one of similar mind and accomplishment; separated from those burdensome paranoias)#(i can see her having long talks beneath the stars as friends or lovers; sipping on a glass of wine and philosophizing)#(of course; it isn't all sunshine; she's far more harsh than him overall and tries to balance it with her want to still end up positively)#(i think he'll see her desire to do the right thing and also see why she's like that; she was raised to be nothing BUT brutal)#(even when attempting to do the right thing; i imagine it'll bring up a lot of ideological fights between them)#(but the both of them learn from one another as a result)#(he teaches her it's okay to be openly kind and vulnerable. not everyone will try and use that kindness against you)#(she teaches him that it's never a sin to advocate for yourself. even and ESPECIALLY against those you admired and loved)#(which can twist and appear in a lot of ways for both of them)#(I'LL STOP HERE BUT. Gale And Valeryana Would Likely Be Quite A Time)#(thank you for the ask!! i'm curious to see yours for valeryana in turn :eyes:)
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I give my grad speech in a week, have been writing a million versions of what I want to say in my head all year, talked to my mom last night, boy did she separate the wheat from the chaff.
#teaching tag#allskskskksksjsjs my mom one of the only people in the world who knows me and appreciates me but is not under the influence of my charm#even a little bit#skksksksksjsj actually my whole family is like this. which is a GIFT. and also something that can be so hard for me skskkdjdjdjdjdjjd#truly my most ruthless critics#but I wanted to cut things down in my own mind to the truest and most bare essentials#and that’s why I asked my mom! because I wanna get the core straightened out#will it end up being slightly more joke-y and vulnerable than she would like? yeah. but I am not my mom and cannot live as if I were#anyway have I thought too much about this speech? 100%. and wildly overestimated its actual importance#which is pretty small. so I have a week to wrangle myself back in line#idk i know it’s a good thing—the wave of excitement I can create#and I’ve had many people tell me they’re so looking forward to it etc.#but with it also comes a lot of pressure. a lot of pressure to be funny and to be charming#my own instinctive desire to fly too close to the sun and to take everybody on a ridiculous journey#but I want to go back to the core. especially in my teaching#it feels extremely important to me#anyway. what I need to do is let this go. and pray. and stop having a huge ego etc.#but it’s very hard because I am a self-obsessed narcissist who LOVES the sound of her own voice#I am also exhausted and have a lot of teaching/grading to do in the next week#sorry just processing thank you for listening
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Okay BUT that ancient idea that all 'good' women don't have any sexual desires at all, only men do is highly destructive and still influencing society today...
For a very long time, I was so uncomfortable with the idea of having a sexuality at all because I internalized that shit. YES, REALLY!
For many years, I fought for the rights of my gay friends fiercely (all the while not connecting the dots of why it mattered to me on a more personal level).
I was loudly vocal about LGBT activism at my college, all while living like a nun and avoiding ever having to deal with any of my personal feelings.
Suppressing yourself like I did is NOT healthy. I wouldn't suggest it at all.
#I tell you I was probably the least self aware person you have ever met#granted I am sort of glad it turned out this way because I didn't know I was bipolar until I was 22#So somehow younger me was just put all her manic energy into really loving the gays...hmm wonder why#I would not want to be a scary unmedicated girlfriend nooooooo because trust me it would have been UGLY#and somehow I thought I was asexual...I was just very good at supressing things which I can't any more because of the bipolar#and because I wanted to be the perfect daughter I tried to be straight and failed horribly at it...comp het is horrible it really is#don't waste your entire 20s trying to be someone you aren't#look you can be ace and be a woman that's not my point#hypersexuality which is a symptom of bipolar disorder pretty much rules out being asexual- sorry but I realized it#I wasn't asexual because I wasn't interested in men I was gay because I had been interested in women the whole time#I just aggressively ignored it for the most part since I had some fucked up ideas about myself and cared too much what people would think#one of my best friends is a lesbian irl and many many of my friends in school were LGBT of some kind#I purposely sought out other LGBT people to hang out with- because on a level I knew I belonged with them#I definitely miss the communities at school and I could just be around other gay people and just chill there#I'm lucky in that way I think and I hope all LGBT people experience that sense of belonging in their lives#Idk but I was thinking about the damaging confinement of assumed asexuality for women when uhhh that's not accurate WOMEN CAN HAVE DESIRES#mychatter
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Saw gladiator ii last night and it was pretty good but the entire time I was like it could've gone so much harderrrr if you got more creative with the plot!! Which reminds me of my current wip which borrows cultural elements from various ancient societies and makes me want to write that. which is the worst possible decision I could be making right now
#just short of being on tumblr instead of working! :D#real talk it reminded me how much of a sucker i am for the mundanity of ancient life#you're telling me hundreds to thousands of years ago people loved and laughed and played and worked the same way i do#are you kidding. hold my hands look me in the eye there are dozens of diary entries from ancient people who loved their cats and dogs#let's lie down in a field and contemplate how everyone has fear and a capacity for tremendous greed and pride and yearning and desire#i adore the human experience#what do you mean that kid had a little doll to dress up in little costumes of rough old fabrics.#what do you mean she painted her pretty little kitty and loved her no matter how many times he fought her when she came close.#what do you meannnnn humans have lived and loved forever and ever. suddenly i understand live laugh love#principal tenets of happiness imo. live your life laugh about silly things love the world with all your heart#also just like life back then was also so different to now it's fascinating to imagine#building structures. hobbies. daily chores. games in the street. lack of exposure to the outside world. the curiosity of travelers#i grew up with the internet and spent my teen years holed up in my room#so you can imagine that the concept of experiences so different from my own intrigues me greatly#imaginechats
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