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rpmemesbyarat · 4 years

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RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 5 "Pumpkin Patch" (Note: Offensive content, use at own discretion)

The theme was "Let Them Eat Cake," so my dad bought me this foreclosed McMansion down the street, and, like, 500 of my closest friends came dressed in 18th century attire, and, oh, the pool was filled with this, like, caviar slurry. And then at midnight, we just burnt the house down. When the firefighters came, they were actually strippers, and they put out the fire with champagne.

So walk me through this, honey.

Well, as you can see, every pumpkin in the patch is artisanal.

Then we move past the ice sculptures of demonic peeing cherubs, and yes, they will all be peeing vodka and Red Bull.

I'm sorry. Corn maze?

It's just that doing an exact replica maze from The Shining would have taken us way over budget on man power alone.

I told you money was no object.

Well, apparently, one of them died or something.

Do you have any idea what's at stake here?

Okay, well, it's not my fault that some guy died in the '70s.

I am tired of your sad-sack, I'm-a-total-downer-all-the-time schtick.

I'm over it!

Oh, my God, why are you so depressed?

Why do I have to be the homely one?

Just a second, nutbag.

God, do I have to spell it out for you?

You're a weird, psycho lunatic who's gonna end up in an asylum somewhere, staring at a wall, trying to nurse a watering can.

That's it! I can't take this anymore!

That is such a Mary Todd Lincoln thing to say.

You scream "I'm done with you" kind of a lot, and yet you're still standing here.

I think you know you have a good thing going.

You get to bask in my starlight as I do all the work and you get to grumble behind my back about how disrespected you are.

There's the door.

There's the door, bitch!

You did not deserve to be spoken to like that. Ever.

That is bollocks!

Clearly this fake kidnapping is a play to get the sympathy vote. So Gone Girl.

This is the biggest candle night of the year!

I hate you right now!

Halloween is the greatest night of the year. Greatest night. Because on this night, even kind of shy, kind of homely girls dress up like total sluts. I mean, every costume is just a slutty version of something. Slutty teacher, slutty nurse, slutty nun. I saw a girl last year dressed as slutty al-Qaeda!

See, Halloween it's a night for dudes with killer bods to walk around with our shirts off. And it's totally appropriate, as long as we call ourselves gladiators, Chippendales.

I have no idea how you got into this college.

Look, we'll just hang out and play charades!

This cannot be happening!

Hey, what about Black Hairy Tongue Disease? I mean, does nobody here care about Black Hairy Tongue?

What about my pumpkin patch?

I blame you for this.

[NAME], nice boobs.

Join me in saying you are not afraid!

Just baking some cookies for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters.

Uh, they're toenail cookies.

Pink fur coats worn in all weather, my idea. Flapper dresses made out of feathers, also my idea. Oversized sunglasses worn everywhere, my idea, my idea, my idea!

So why are you baking toenail cookies and giving them to children?

Okay, whose side are you on?

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I'm what you call

a "switch-hitter."

Wait, are you bisexual? Because that's what "switch-hitter" means.

Do you mean "double agent"?

What are you writing?

Do you know how big Halloween is in the candle community?

Is this an ant farm?

There's a mom ant, Deborah, who mostly just lies around and she has about 100 husband ants, who come around and give it to her good, which she really enjoys. And then there's about a million sterile daughter ants who feed her and are her slaves. So, an ideal family.

She'd win. And then I'd beg to be her second-in-command, while quietly pull the strings behind the scenes like Dick Cheney.

This plan involves a lot of circuitous logic.

Oh, my God! Those are, like, $100 each!

They're the highest quality candles that can be purchased retail.

What a brilliant and revolutionary idea.

Are you cheating?

This is a clear violation of the honor code.

You must be new here.

Who are you calling?

I'm gonna get you fired.

At least you wore something nice today.

Remember to smile for your mug shot.

I'm burping uncontrollably like Robert Durst.

They'll know I'm guilty!

I'm next in line and in charge here.

You can sum up my viewpoint on this with one word; indifference.

We are her only hope.

Sometimes, in order for a person to achieve their full potential, they have to do things on their own.

I am in charge here!

I love that you're a man.

This is the most sensual song ever written.

We need to do this right now!

I just saw her boobs.

Oh, a salad date is, it's like, it's more casual than dinner, but more formal than coffee.

Whose pants are these?

You know, you're a human being with feelings and needs, right?

Enough about me and my confusion and sad dead feeling inside.

It just really hurt my feelings.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure my so-called friends are the ones that turned me in so I'm just feeling, like, super alone right now.

Man, I am your biggest Instagram fan!

I just think you are a style genius.

I will never be able to repay you for the kindness you've shown me in here.

Besties for life, I say.

Your bail's been posted.

I knew you'd bail me out.

Can I just say what a relief it is to be able to share it with somebody and not feel judged?

You know, I mean, all my girlfriends are like, "That's immoral." "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Ashamed? What the hell you got to be ashamed for?

You should be proud.

I could've lost my job.

I mean, it lasted, like, 45 seconds, and the whole time, it just felt like I was getting stabbed in the abdomen.

I tied him up and I kept my uniform on and proceeded

to read him his rights. My favorite being "You got the right to remain sexy."

Give me some!

You know he's sexy!

That was one of the best nights of my life.

Well, I've already contacted the police department, despite the fact that a person can't be considered "missing" until at least 72 hours has passed.

That's morbid.

I've already hired an investigator.

What, are you two a couple now?

What the hell are you doing?

You sold me down the river, bitch.

Wait, Gary Coleman's parents stole his kidneys?

I would never say that, because I'm pretty sure that never even happened.

Why does ratting me out sound like exactly something you would do?

You know, I've never thought of myself as a killer, but I am seriously considering ramming this pick into the back of your eye socket.

Maybe you'll get your head sawed off.

You have cameras in my room?

I have eyes everywhere, bitch.

The name of my future perfume is Revenge.

How is that something you just happen to know?

That is stupidest thing I've ever heard.

What's the password?

I just can't eat any more of these.

This ain't The Marriage Ref! This ain't Judge Joe Brown! We ain't on the Maury Show! We ain't standin' in line trying to get tickets to Dr. Phil! I am not Steve Harvey, people, and this ain't the Family Feud!

I'm tryin' to catch a killer.

Help me get the spy gear in the car!

How can you promise?

We're in a maze, you don't know where you're going!

I always knew it would come to this.

Why are we doing this right now?

I forgot the flashlights!

What am I supposed to do with this?

This is so creepy.

It smell like booty in here.

I'm getting a nervous feeling in my stomach.

I might start farting. If I cut some, you promise not to tell anyone?

Oh, my boob!

Stay where you are! I'll come and get you!

Ooh, this is nice.

It's really beautiful.

It looks like you just crossed some stuff out and wrote that in in marker.

Okay, can we talk about that for a second? Because it just happened a few hours ago, and I'm still really traumatized.

I need some cheering up right now.

Excuse me, darling, I'm exhausted.

Wait, we need to hear what happened to you.

Just wondering where you find a house with a pit. The market for them would be pretty limited.

Did you escape, or did you kill him?

I've always had a thing for bad boys.

That got way out of hand.

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay memes #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #scream queens

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steve0discusses · 4 years

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The Live Action Fullmetal Alchemist Movie Part 6: Let’s Kill Hughes

Hey guys, I’ve been having some issues with the blog not...updating my drafts. So in case you’re wondering, that’s where I disappeared to. Give a round of applause to the support team for finding a solution until it gets fixed but as of right now I’m on like a private window with my extensions turned off and writing this from both tumblr and a LibreOffice document. Hello ads, nice to see you back.

Last we left off, we were a hop and skip away to lab 5. In the anime, this was a sequence where there was a bunch of fighting with suits of armor, and they kept that in this movie, but...not the people you think would be fighting are going to be fighting.

Listen I’m not like super knowledgeable about the world of Matte painting, but I like that they’ve unintentionally made this world building where whoever is in charge of making these red bricks basically owns everyone’s nuts. Everything is made out of the same red bricks. Like I know this is a show about homunculi ruling the world but I feel like the red brick guy is hellllllla more egregious. Freakin Monsanto over here.

I assume they had a 3d model and was like “we can just keep using it” and damn, they sure did. And inside of this brick building is, unsurprisingly a lot more red brick (although I think this is partially, if not entirely, an actual real life set.)

This next part is...such a lesson in pacing. Not necessarily a lesson to follow, but definitely a lesson to learn from maybe their non-example.

(watch Hughes die under the cut)

And what’s interesting is that there were a lot of good lines in this upcoming segment. There were a lot of good moments—bu there’s just so many. Maybe too many. You gotta prune your script occasionally, it’s like a tomato plant.

Like I’ve been doing a stress garden to cope with quarantine and Covid and 3+ months of life endangering wildfires, and I learned that you gotta prune the sucker vines off your tomatoes, although sucker vines can also make tomatoes. It sucks to do because I love tomatoes, and I want as many tomatoes as possible, but when you prune the plant, you get bigger better tomatoes that are more worthwhile than the suckers that can infect your plant and make it really sick.

Sorry that made me sound like 5000 years old with that gardening analogy. If you need me to solve your small town murder mysteries, I’m ready.

So it’s like...kind of tragic that it came together as kind of nonsensical when you can tell that it’s so close to being something better.

Like we have some reason up to this point to believe that Ed would have a freak out here...but like...a sobbing on the floor screaming at the walls type of freak out? Was there enough time devoted to this blow up, or did he walk into this room and immediately start screaming? Because he sure did walk immediately into this room and start screeching like a broken bird.

Like last recap, which was about 2 minutes ago in screentime, was this fun and quirky montage with Hughes. Now we’re sobbing into this rusty factory.

And I know what’s going on because I’ve seen the anime, but if you haven’t seen it—would this emotional break down make any sense? We were told by Dr Marcoh, “check out lab 5,” but we were only going to this factory on kind of a wish and a prayer. I really wonder if people who don’t know this show could follow past this point.

And then while we’re still adjusting to “yo, Ed just took it from a 2 to a 10 like immediately” Al is like “Hey I noticed no one is paying attention to me, and I have to lay a wicked fart:”

and then both brother’s just have a freak out. Gotta all be freaking out in this random ass Unity asset that was probably also used for some college grad’s first battle royale.

Pacing is just everything. And what’s SO HARD about Full Metal Alchemist is that there really is a lot of content to cover, there’s a lot of emotions to go through, and when you only have about 7 minutes to cover what was about 3-4 episodes, if I remember correctly, it’s kind of a zany mess.

And if you were going into this movie hoping they wouldn’t illustrate Al as a large idiot baby, then you share the sentiments of most people who saw this movie. Al is like...kind of reduced to a whiny big baby and is...not cute. Like Al is low key kind of menacing throughout this movie, not just because he has this CGI armor thing going on, but also because Al is...so impressionable and unhinged.

Something that I didn’t appreciate enough when I watched the anime was just how important Barry the Chopper was for Al’s logical character development.

Yo...These bangs…

...I’ve realized that every show I recap here just has the worst hair styles. I honestly never thought much about hair at all until I watched like 200 hours of Yugioh and all of this movie and also 6 seasons of Once Upon a Time which featured some LOOKS (but only recapped like 3 episodes, sorry if I got some of y’all excited. That was when we had no reason to cap everything because the capping community for Once was very alive and very exciting.)

By hitting him with a wrench (Al does not feel pain, ps, so he doesn’t need to be hunched over like this) Winry reminds Al that Ed would not risk his life for a fake brother (which may be a line from the anime or the manga but I don’t remember) and crying just...a lot.

Like it felt as if she had to shoot all of this out of order. Same with Ed’s freak out here. Movie’s aren’t really shot in succession and it’s up to the director to make it feel coherent and logical...this felt scattered, like the actors really didn’t know what was happening in the scenes leading up to it so they just cranked it to 11.

And then I guess Ed was either so insulted that Al punched him or was so upset that Al made Winry cry (again, this movie really tries to sell the EdxWinry ship and from me that’s a really big compliment), that Ed just started laying punches to extend a fight scene that was kind over before it started.

But symbolically there is a lot nice things going on here, Ed only uses his fleshy hand so he bleeds all over Al, hurting himself as much he’s hurting his brother. Implying more than just this fight, but suggesting that their whole journey of trying to find this sorcerer’s stone is just going to hurt both of them in their quest to save the other.

And then Al says something along the line of “it hurts!” to infer that he’s got this broken heart which is when they both finally just freakin stop.

Such a shame the pacing, which was a mix of too quick, and too many tomatoes, kind of made it hella blindsiding.

Again this was so many episodes of FMA and they stuffed it into so few minutes, it’s wild.

Especially since Ed is like...he’s cast as an adult! He’s an adult! At no point in the movie so far have they called him a kid, and they’re not pretending that he is one. But like...he acts like such a child because in the original, he was one. And, while this movie steps so far away from the source material, if should have committed and either stepped completely away or committed completely. Of course “should” is one of those things where we’ll just never know. A wish into the ether of hindsight being 20/20.

But lets get to the thing that you all came here for. This is where this movie gets BONKERS:

So Hughes actually draws out a pentagram between the different places in Armestrias, including Ishvaal, leading us to think that he’s figured out the whole dealio of turning the country into an alchemy circle. But, for some reason only helps him find the real lab 5.

It didn’t...that’s a different thing.

And it has been a long time since I’ve seen the ending of this movie—and maybe it was so offhand that I forgot if they actually do bring up turning the country into an alchemy circle--watch me eat my words, it could happen—but yo, we are finally killing Hughes—but we’re over halfway through this movie. And you may wonder...so uh...what...then what could possibly happen? There’s too much anime left!

Now I’m glad they kept this scene really close to the anime, although I haven’t watched the anime in a hot minute. It’s kind of an iconic scene so you don’t forget.

Like I do genuinely enjoy the campy parts where they were bringing up some of my favorite nostalgia of the original.

and then when you are like “ah, this is exactly the same as the anime. I can relax and watch as all my expectations are fully realized.” This twist happens.

YAH.

It’s a change!

So in the anime we had a really fun arc where we were trying to save Lieutenant Ross for being framed for killing Hughes. It’s probably my favorite part of Full Metal Alchemist, actually, it was so clever and a really thrilling chase. It was also like...half of season one.

Anyway, they cut it. They reduced half a season into 7 minutes. I know that, because each of these recaps is about 15 minutes of the movie.

You may look at this recap and be like “wait...this all happened in 15 minutes??” because yeah, this all happened in 15 minutes.

The same squad of people we see in every single scene of soldiers comes up to arrest Ed, which is weird, because I thought this band of soldiers was the military under Cl. Mustang’s command so like…shouldn’t they be arresting themselves? Mustang was over the command of more than 2 people. If we are suspicious of Mustang’s buddies then everyone in this movie would be in trouble.

And that’s when I realized that these guys were just unnamed soldiers and not a part of Mustang’s band. They only had like this many extras and just hoped we wouldn’t keep track of who is who, but I KNOW I’ve seen these guys this whole time. There are only like 6 people in this army. I see you movie magic—I see what you’re trying to do.

Anyway, Ed gets thrown into an old timey opera house that occasionally gets to be used for Middle School graduations. Or maybe also a mortuary where they charge you for funerals.

Like I know it’s supposed to be the capital building but like...this looks so weird when it’s live action. I remember the anime had this kinda feel to it but in live action it’s like…

...this is a weird ass capital building…Why do they have curtains like a Granny Holiday Inn in Reno, Nevada?

Thankfully, Hawkeye is here to explain to Ed what just happened because we, the movie viewers, were kind of surprised by that plot twist.

Like there were many ways you can condense half a season into 15 minutes, and I dunno if I would have just changed the murderer. It is a solution you can do. You can just point blame on Mustang and skip that whole Ross segment but like….

…then why write the movie?

Obviously, they had to make the movie, it had already been funded, people were really excited about the idea, and I do not envy the people that had to hack and slash with the Full Metal Alchemist script, but it is interesting what they decided was important to the original content, and what was unimportant. All that stuff that showed how Mustang was brilliant and two steps ahead of everyone else? Unimportant. All that stuff we had that showed how Mustang cares a lot about protecting other people and also cares about Ed and Al? Unimportant.

It really changes the dynamic, and it’s kind of fascinating to go into this cold because it’s been like...a year for me since I’ve watched it...and just see how different everything is without all those supporting characters that when I watched the anime I just assumed were mostly useless (Though fun). Turns out they all had a pretty significant part of making me care about Ed, about Mustang, about Al, about all my main characters.

FMA is very character driven, and this movie is mostly just...plot driven. There’s kind of a great debate in literature about plot driven vs character driven. Movies and TV tend to be very plot driven, because they are very expensive to make, so they follow pre-formatted plot beats like “Save the Cat” or “The Heroes Journey” and other ones (there’s several to choose from).

They’ve made a fine science out of at what point a TV show should introduce the main, at what point they should suffer doubt, at what point they should shun their hero’s journey, etc etc. They know it down to the page number of the scripts they are writing. I know this, because it’s readily available on the internet and people fight about it all the time. This is why a show may suffer developing a character—because they just don’t have time and they just don’t have the resources to do something out of the box. Movies doubly so, because every minute of film can cost thousands of dollars.

What’s interesting about this is that FMA, the original FMA, does follow these beats. It was a manga sold by a huge publisher so it had to follow those beats. But, it has managed to do it while still being character driven. Yo, that’s so hard to do. This story was already written to be hyper condensed and structured when it was made into a Manga, and then it was condensed again for an anime, and then it was condensed yet again for this movie. It’s like a game of telephone, and at one end you have a very character driven story, and then at the other, it’s just totally plot.

Like it’s just a really huge risk to take. This was really, really risky.

PS did you miss Shou? Did you think we’d be done with Shou Tucker? No. Because this movie is gonna end at some point and rather than introduce other people...we’re just gonna stick with Shou and only have one miniboss.

(It has a freakin radiator in it?)

So then this next part happens and it’s low key hilarious.

The whole time.

Mustang and Hawkeye knew what lab 5 was this entire time but Ed just never asked for some reason despite working with those two for what is inferred to be YEARS since his childhood.

Hey PS, did you miss that brick building? Because it’s back.

Anyway, Mustang decides to take this underground where we can recycle the tech crew posing as extras that we used in the shot above us. Would not be surprised if a few of these are someone’s husband or wife on set.

Usually when I watch a movie I don’t get this feeling so much. But this movie...the latter half is like...EMPTY.

...this is going to be all movies made during Covid, I just realized…

Mustang is stopped by an angry Lieutenant Ross, and then we get this series of events.

And when you’re like “...Sorry?” Mustang’s like “I can make it weirder.”

And he just, without any warning or anything, lights Lieutenant Ross on fire. Multiple times, and it’s pretty intense and everyone who’s holding a gun just watches it happen is like…

...well I guess it’s too late to just shoot the guy...

…and like do you seriously not carry around a fire extinguisher when you are trying to manhunt Mustang? This is the one guy you want to wear fireproof clothes around. You have the technology. You at least have the technology for buckets of water. Like no one want to throw a blanket on her?

Just want to...watch? I guess?

Mustang just looks like a nut from this series of events instead of a genius--which is what I think they were originally going for. The pacing does that, youknow? Pacing.

And, out of the corpse pile stands Envy.

Envy has a pretty good look, I appreciated his whole look and that unlike the anime where you only find out Envy is a guy because someone told you on a forum somewhere and you were like “wait WHAT?” the movie is live action so you won’t make that mistake and embarrass yourself online.

Ed has only ever seen Lust once, and she walked in from off screen, stabbed a guy, and walked off. He’s just like...having a time because he’s done zero research into homunculi, and really, at no point in this movie are we going to give him time to figure it out.

Also, there’s this shot where Lust and Gluttony just walk in from behind them in the tunnel and it’s like…

….so no one noticed these two just hanging out back there?

It’s so freakin funny. This movie is gold. I love it.

Now If you just got here, this is a link to read all these recaps in chrono order:

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/fma/chrono

Have a good one, and stay safe! 2021 has been...weird nuts...and it’s still January somehow??? Weird times. Overall, please stay safe, it’s weird out there.

Also, if you’re like “I don’t remember this scene actually” here’s the original Hughes dies scene that inspired the movie (since the movie definitely was like “we’re only going inspired for this one nerds, get mad”)--some shots were inspired cut for cut.

youtube

And obvi this is on Youtube so it’ll probably get taken down eventually, but that’s why it’s flipped.

#FMA #FMA movie #FMA live action movie #recap #Fullmetal alchemist #hughes #roy mustang #ed elric #al elric #winry #I've had to write these tags twice now because tumblr won't SAVE MY DRAFTS #photo recap

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epen409 · 7 years

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My top 17 favorite Movies, TV Shows, and Cartoons of 2017 in no particular order part Deux

11. Star Vs. The Forces of Evil.

I enjoyed Star Vs.'s first 2 seasons. But I'll admit, it had some episodes I found to be pointless, or pretty bad (the biggest offender being the episode with the magician, which committed the unholy sin of letting the episode where "Weird Al" Yankovic guest-starred in be the show's worst episode). Season 3 blew the last 2 seasons out of the water. It got more engaged in the show's story, it's been developing the characters to newer heights, it's been answering questions and questioning answers, it's overall become Disney's best current, dare I say, show in general. If you haven't checked it out yet, please do. Watching through the more duds of episodes in the first two seasons is worth it for every episode so far in season 3.

10. Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie

Another satisfying ending to a beloved show. Hey Arnold! is Nickelodeon's best non-Avatar: The Last Airbender Nicktoon. It had heart, comedy and dealt with issues like neglect, alcoholicism, toxic relationships, Hitler, the Vietnam War, and addiction in a language kids could understand. And the movie follows the show greatly, by wrapping up its biggest mystery. It had action, adventure, romance, and mystery (I'm starting to sound like a record player here). It was another great conclusion to an amazing series.

9. Ducktales

With so many great endings comes a great new beginning. If you loved the original Ducktales, and today's cartoons, then you'll love Ducktales (2017). It starts off with, you guessed it, action and adventure, then brought us along on another mystery. It reinvented the characters and world to great new possibilities, and even cast a great new cast to boot. It's a great reboot, and I recommend you watch it if you like to solve mysteries, or rewrite history. WOO-OO!

8. Legend Quest.

NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THIS SHOW! Seriously though, this show is tons of fun. It's about a boy, a witch, two ghosts, and an alebrije (A Mexican myth), and all sorts of mythical adventures they take around the world. One thing I love about this show is how they take myths from all around the world (Mexico, Japan, Germany, England, and the most terrifying of all, NEW JERSEY. Shudders), and combine it all together in an engaging and fun story. So what are you waiting for? Hop on your Netflix account (or whichever one you mooch off of) and check it out!

7. Buddy Thunderstruck

Here's another severely underrated Netflix cartoon. Among all the new cartoons this year, The funniest have been Milo Murphy's Law (which I also highly recommend), and Netflix's Buddy Thunderstruck. It's fast-paced and hillarous comedy, with the dim-witted and egotistical but lovable main character, Buddy Thunderstruck. It's got hillarious episodes, the characters are insane but fun, it's overall, a great show that deserves more love.

6. Kong: Skull Island.

Guess what idiot decided to skip the great live-action movies of the year, like Blade Runner 2049, Planet of the Apes, and Baby Driver, and instead watched films like Boss Baby and The Nut Job 2. Sigh. But at least one of the great live-action movies I watched and enjoyed this year was Kong: Skull Island. It had great action, and an engaging story, with good social commentary. One problem, the characters were not the film's strongest suit, which is why it's sometimes hard to feel bad when one of them kicks the bucket. However the one character that stole the show from the giant monkey (it's more fun to say monkey than ape) was John C. Reilly's character. Anyways, please go check out Kong: Skull Island if you haven't yet. It's one of the year's best movies that I don't hear get talked about as much as the others.

5. Coco

We all know Pixar peaked after Toy Story 3. However, since then, they've made 2 very strong movies. 2015's Inside Out, and this year's Coco. It brought cultural representation, it had a while cliched, still very well-executed story, memorable music and characters, and has one of the biggest hearts I've seen in a movie for a long time. Truly one of Pixar's greatest movies. It holds a special place in my proud corazon.

4. Muppets Take The Hollywood Bowl.

Okay, this wasn't so much a movie or TV show, so much as a live show that not everybody could legally watch, but I don't care. Its one of my favorite memories of the year! The Muppets put on a good ol' fashioned Muppet show. No mockumentary style, no hit or miss jokes, just a plain old Muppet show, with music, monsters, pigs in space, Swedish Chefs, and heart. It was an amazing show, that had all sorts of surprises, including a guest, Bobby Moynihan who had his time to shine, but didn't get in the way of the Muppets either. If you guys want to see what I'm talking about, mainly the whole show is available on YouTube. Trust me, even after how the whole Steve Whitemire firing disaster went earlier in the year, it showed that Muppets are here to stay, and ain't going anywhere for the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

3. Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie

Truly one of the funniest films of the year. Captain Underpants makes you feel like a kid again, even with all the toilet-humor, it gives off the vibes of imagination, creativity and fun that should never die, even as we grow older. It's also a very clever comedy, even with all the poop, fart and diarrhea joke, which normally don't work, but with this film, it actually has some sense and charm to it. It was a good movie, and although it didn't get quite as big an audience, I'm glad to see it's getting a cult following. One of Dreamworks' best movies in the past few years!

3. Stuff that I jumbled together and didn't have much to say about but I'll try anyways (Steven Universe, Welcome to the Wayne, Trial and Error, Little Witch Academia, Camp Camp, Cuphead, Super Mario Odyssey, Trollhunters, My Hero Academia)

Steven Universe: although there weren't that many episodes that came out this year, (Thanks CN) there were still some great episodes with great songs, fun character moments and huge bombshells of surprises.

Welcome To The Wayne: Now you may have heard this one, mainly because people have been calling it a Gravity Falls rip-off. Well, the people who say that can shut up. Even if it does have similarities, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. Technically, Samurai Jack is a rip-off of a Frank Miller comic, and we all still love it. Anywhom, this show has a varied but very fun cast of characters, they have fun stories, and even an engaging story as well. If you passed on it just cause it has similar elements to Gravity Falls, please give it another try.

Trial and Error: It has a tightly knit story that comes up with surprise after another. Also, the mystery element of the show is also very strong too. You find yourself doubting who you think the murderer is. And trust me, the result is surprising and gut-busting. Its one of the best sitcoms since Parks and Rec ended. Give it a watch.

Little Witch Academia: A cute, beautifully animated and inspiring anime that's sure to tug at your heartstrings and tickle your funny bone at times. P.S. Akko is one of the best characters of the year.

Camp Camp: a hillarous and well-written cartoon on YouTube, that while it usually has a cynical attitude, has moments of humanity that are sure to bring tears.

Cuphead: although harder than a Christmas Fruitcake, a very fun and engaging game that also pulls off being a lovely tribute to the classic age of animation.

Super Mario Odyssey: One of the best Mario games in a while, and very fun and puzzling game.

Trollhunters: Another great season to this underrated show that brings fun action, adventure, characters and with how how it's going, I can't wait to see more from the world of Arcadia.

My Hero Academia: Although it starts off a little slow, it was still a very fun and engaging season that develops the characters nicely, and had one of the best action scenes from the whole year.

1. The LEGO Batman Movie

(Again, this list is in no particular order)

The LEGO Batman Movie is not only the best LEGO movie of the year (sorry Ninjago), but also the best Batman movie since The Dark Knight. It's goofy, it's hillarious, it's got references to Batman's mythos, as well as a few other franchises too, and a heartwarming message that shows even the darkest of knight can be light-hearted.

Here's hoping 2018 has more smiles and more great entertainment!

#star vs. the forces of evil #hey arnold! the jungle movie #ducktales #steven universe #legend quest #buddy thunderstruck #kong: skull island #the muppets #captain underpants #welcome to the wayne #trial and error nbc #coco #little witch academia #camp camp #cuphead #super mario odyssey #trollhunters #my hero academia #the lego batman movie

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bigbluebarns-blog · 6 years

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ABLEISM REDUX

Well… There are so many different dimensions of disability that people can be ableist toward those with different disabilities than their own. …And it’s only in the last couple of generations (within my lifetime, at least) that Disability Rights groups have banded together in a common cause (Rather than, say: Rights groups for the blind working only for the blind, Rights groups for Cerebral Palsy working only for Cerebral Palsy, etc.). Matter of fact, based on my own recollections, I think working together for universal access rights only really got any steam in the 1970s – when I was already a teenager.

Confession time: until relatively recently (like, the last 10 years, or so), as a physically disabled person, I was biased against those with intellectual disabilities, and would get quite insulted if anyone mistakenly thought I was “R

—–ed.”

@theborkplanet IDK HOW TO SEPARATE MY COMMENTS FROM YOURS AND COMMENTS FROM YOURS. HENCE THE CAPS.

I WAS ALSO BIASED AND PROBABLY STILL AM SOMEWHAT, TOWARD PPL WITH INTELLECTUAL DISABILITIES(ID). I TOO USED THE R WORD. GROWING UP MY EXP WITH PPL W/ ID WERE NEGATIVE OR GROSS, AND NO ONE EVER BOTHERED TO EXPLAIN SOMEONE’S ID TO ME, SO ALL I KNEW WAS NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS EG JO GRABS STUFF AND SCREAMS; NO ONE EVER EXPLAINED HER AUTISM. MOE HAS DOWNS SYNDROME, IS OBSESSED WITH SAYING “BOOBIES” LOVES THE EFFING BEACH BOYS AND FARTS A LOT AND NEVER SHUTS UP; HOW ANNOYING; NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT PERSEVERATING, OR THAT DS CAN CAUSE GI PROBS SOMETIMES. AL MUTTERS, HE STINKS, AND HE KNOCKED OUT HIS AIDE SO I’M AFRAID THAT AL WILL GET ANGRY WITH ME AND KNOCK ME OUT; NO ONE EVER EXPLAINS HIS CONDITION, SO I GLEAN MY INFO FROM EAVESDROPPING and RUMORS. THE ABLE-BODIED ADULTS DIDN’T BOTHER TO PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING EVEN THO WE WERE ALL TRAPPED ON THE SAME SPECIAL ED BUS, SO THE PASSENGERS WITHOUT ID TALK SMACK ABOUT THE ONES WITH ID. THE ONE TIME I ASK, “WHAT’S AL HAVE?” ABLEBODIED ADULT SHAMES ME FOR ASKING AND BLATHERS ABOUT CONFIDENTIALITY. NOT TRYING TO JUSTIFY MY PREJUDICE; JUST RELATING EXP. I’M ALSO WORKING THRU IT BUT U R RIGHT; NEVER 100% DONE.

I’m working through it, and like to think I’m getting better (and one huge part of that is learning just how deep and intertwined institutionalized ableism really is, in our societies). But as with being a White woman dealing with racism, I have to remember that it’s a case of continuing recovery, and not something I will ever be 100% over and done with.

Thanks for sharing, @aegipan-omnicorn. You’re lovely.

@bigbluebarns, I don’t personally know anything about suffering racism, being a white american myself. However, I do know a thing or two about suffering ableism, both at the hands of able-bodied people, and disabled people.

People are incredibly social animals and will band together in groups with other similar people. This is natural, and it is good. It can be healing and cathartic to hang out with people who “get it.” But this tendency can also have an extremely dark side, as we see with “isms.” This is going to get long, so I’m going to break it here in consideration of people’s dashboards. Again, I can only speak to ableism and sexism so please keep that in mind.

OMG, I LOVE THESE NAMES AND TRADEMARKS. DID U INVENT THEM?

Ableisms I have suffered at the hands of disabled people:

The Cripple Police™: These are the people who, in an overzealous bid for limited access available, arbitrarily decide who is disabled enough to use a mobility aid, bathroom stall, parking spot, and even sometimes the label of “disabled.” If you are not Crippled Enough, you can be subject to any form of social punishment they deem to be necessary.

I HATE THE CP AND I’M CONSTANTLY REMINDING PPL THAT U DO NOT HAVE TO APPEAR DISABLED IN ORDER TO USE HANDICAP PARKING. IT’S LIKE THEY WANT U TO WEAR A TAG STATING U R DISABLED SO THEN THEY CAN ASSESS IF U MEET THEIR RANDOM CRITERIA.

Example: I used to be able to walk longer distances with a service dog, but was still a high fall risk. My doctor (a licensed neurologist) prescribed me a parking placard so that none of us had to worry (as much) about me passing out in a parking lot where no one could see me, and getting run over. A lovely woman in a wheelchair, who just happened to park in the accessible spot next to me, proceeded to scream at me and my service dog all the way into the store. A manager rescued me by going along with my ruse of knowing him, and invited me into the back were I fucking hid away until they told me she had left the store. It. Was. Scary.

EGAD SOUNDS HORRIBLE. BUT YEAH THERE IS A DISABILITY HIERARCHY

The Born This Ways™ : The experience between people who were born disabled, and who acquired disability later in life, vary a great deal from one another. BTW ableist types actively minimize the experiences of other disabled people, simply because they hadn’t been baptized since birth by xyz. In other words, the suffering was not identical to their own, thus must be invalid.

Example: I became disabled after adulthood, and tried to find solace after being subjected to ableist responses from friends and family members who were unable to cope with the “broken me.” I found lots of great disabled people who helped me, but I also found people who routinely scoffed at my experiences, again informing me that I was not “disabled enough,” and suggested I was being deliberately weak, or histrionic. Sometimes it was almost eerily word for word what my ableist friends/family said. How strange…

I’VE SEEN THE ACQUIRED DISABILITY IS BETTER. TM ADIBS MIGHT IMPLY, “WELL I’M A QUAD, BUT AT LEAST I GOT TO EXP BEING ABLEBODIED; I’LL HAVE EXP U SADSACK LOSER BTWS WILL NEVER HAVE. I GOT TO BE NORMAL FOR A WHILE” MOST OFTEN I SAW IT COME FROM PARALYZED PPL WHO WISHED THEY COULD WALK AGAIN. I WAS BORN WITH CP AND AB PPL ACTUALLY ASKED ME “WOULD U RATHER BE BTW OR AD?” BEFORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I SAID “BTW, CUZ THATS ALL I KNOW AND I’VE HAD IT FROM DAY1 FALSE EQUIVALENCY WHEREAS ADIBS HAVE TO ADJUST” NOW THO I KNOW THAT EVEN I AS BTW HAVE HAD TO ADJUST TO CHANGING SYMPTOMS. DO U WANT 2 BE A TREE OR A MOUSE...UHHH...FALSE EQUIVALENCY ALERT, CAN’T COMPAPARE APPLE N ORANGE.

The Faker Police™: I think anyone with an invisible illness has experience with this one. This is when people who “look disabled” refuse to believe someone who “does not look disabled,” and proceed to treat them as hysterical attention seekers instead of…well, anyone else. These people often practice double ableisms–I have noticed that many also tend to judge Disabled Enough based on mobility aids. Then, they try to chase the “fakers” out of the community, because everyone knows “fakers” are why we have additional burdens added (like further hurdles to access, government aid, etc).

ALSO IF U HAVE AN INVISIBLE DISABILITY LIKE YOURS AND ME ALSO, I SEE THE “WELL EVERYONE GETS DEPRESSED/SAD/TIRED.” I END UP FEELING LIKE I HAVE JUSTIFY THE DISABLING NATURE OF MY DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TO A WEG.

Example: Before my condition had progressed to me needing a mobility aid, I was already facing discrimination in the workplace. I requested an accommodation to have the crappy fluorescent lights removed from above my desk, as they provoke bad neurological symptoms. You’d think it was a little thing, but when I asked for advice on dealing with skeptical and belligerent management, I met the same reactions in some disabled people, followed immediately by “Fakers like you are why we see knee-jerk reactions like the word ‘no!’ Come complain when you’re actually disabled and need to have a ramp installed! Until then suck it up!”

The Totally Qualified Disability Judges™: This one seems to arise from the natural tendency of people to compare their situations to the situations of others. If they arbitrarily judge another person’s situation to be better or more favorable, then that person is not As Disabled, or Disabled Enough, or Disabled At All. Then, based on that judgment, they try to socially punish the condemned, or to excommunicate them.

Example: Some conditions are really straightforward and don’t vary widely. People with the condition all seem to have similar limitations. My condition is the exact opposite of that. I have the chronic form of migraine disease. Lots of people get migraines, but not all of them have more than 15 a month, and migraines can last anywhere from a few hours to three days. To some people, pain is the most disabling feature of a migraine, to others, the accompanying neurological weirdness is. (Migraines are often proceeded by cortical spreading depression, a phenomenon also exhibited in epilepsy. Just for an example).

So, when people hear what my condition is, they remember that one lady they used to know who had to lay in the dark for a couple days each month, and wonder why the hell I’m in a wheelchair. It doesn’t make sense to them (who cares that migraines don’t make sense to the most brilliant neurologists in the world), so they decide that I just must not be disabled. Or, if I am, it’s hypochondria.

I’VE SEEN: YEAH HAVE U TRIED XYZ CURE? IT REALLY HELPED THAT 1 LADY. IF U DON’T TRY XYZ WELL THEN UR LAZY N ALSO PROBABLY FAKING THE EXTENT OF UR DISABILITY?

Fun fact: Internalizing ableism from medical doctors, and from some close friends and family, and THEN the disabled people I came into contact with later, and from whom I seeked guidance, prompted so much self doubt that I had a licensed psychologist work me up for hypochondria and other related psychological conditions. It…turns out that I am not a hypochondriac. I could not find relief from all of these experiences until I encountered a neurologist familiar with my condition, and fellow disabled people who have been around the block, and who are not so embittered by their experiences that they deigned to expose others to the same.

For that reason, I will always be vocally critical of ableism within our community. I will not sugar coat it, nor will I flatter ableist disableds by giving them another name. That goes for my own ableism, too. Now that I have worked through a lot of my own, I can use my aids with confidence and obtain a freedom that is at least emotionally similar to the one I had when I first formed my adult identity (which was as an abled person).

AH YES, IN MY CASE, INTERNALIZED ABLEISM=ANXIETY N DEPRESSION. STILL NOT SURE IF DISABLED PPL CAN BE TECHNICALLY DISABLED BUT THAT’S JUST LINGUISTIC SEMANTICS.

CLEAERLY WE BOTH KNOW DISABLED PPL ARE CAPABLE OF ASSHOLERY.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO BOLD TEXT IN POSTS? #TUMBLR NOOB

For an example of sexism from women, see my post Never Underestimate Old Women, in which an old lady cashier schools us for self-righteous activism.

Thanks for the discussion!

#ableism #disability #disabled

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ruknowhere · 7 years

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Coyotes On The Beach

there are always risks, some small like losing this document, others of more significance like losing a life. I’ve done lost lives and find myself alone in a cabin in a dying forest of grand old sequoia trees. Thought about taking a bath this morning but there is a spider living in the tub and it seemed wrong to kill her with a flood.

The road flooded on my way here so I ended up spending a night in overpriced inn with a noisy clock that i took the battery out of. Never have been able to figure out why anyone would want to hear each second of their life click away.

There are icicles hanging from the cabin gutters

been a long time since I have seen icicles, the last were actually made of glass by Dale Chihuly. I took my daughter and fiancee to a spot I know in Leavenworth Washington. A faux bavarian town set in real lovely mountains. It was a pre wedding trip. Time for them to relax and for me to try to pal up with my son in law to be. Well three years later I am still trying to pal up with that guy but he is that guy for my daughter. They love each other and what more could anyone want for their child then happiness

I sure want happiness.

Leigh owns this cabin which is in one of the prettiest dang places I have ever been and I have been to many. This is a forest from another time. Huge trees fit for huge creatures. Now it is empty. I saw a marmot or at least that is what I am calling it and a few squirrels.

Not many birds and zero people. empty Odd, here in this national forest, set aside as a monument by Obama, nobody wants to venture out anymore.

The campground is nameless now, all the signs removed, perhaps for winter or perhaps forever. It used to be call Belknap Campground and it is in the middle of a sequoia grove.

Anyway Leight I bet is a piece of work. From her pictures and various little bits gathered online I suspect back in the day she was quite a piece of ass too. I know you can’t talk that way anymore but after all we are nothing but mammals wanting to do it like they do on the discovery channel.

Leigh’s cabin is reasonably well built but it is devoid of any human touches. To say it is furnished sparsely would be an exaggeration. Not even a spatula for cooking an omelet. There is a small radiant heater built into the wall with a warning note attached that says not to move it because it goes off. As far as I can tell it is always off but I am nothing if not resourceful and have found that the oven and stove burners do a fine job heating the place and the fireplace makes for some ambience deluxe. The wood bundles I bought at the Springville store crackle and have a nice smell. It is warm enough now to be naked. I have a picture of a naked gal laying on an oriental rug. She has a perfect body, long blonde hair and the rear view of her cunt makes my cock tingle. I know I shouldn’t say cunt but for guys of my time the thought of a moist cunt with a cock thrusting in and out until you can hardly tell whose cream is oozing out unless you lick it up is well simply divine.

Fire,

Fire on the mountain

the thing about being alone is you are not really alone

you’re left with all your memories

people

places

come and go

that can be good

or bad

but there is always the loneliness

the new memories are missing something

someone

the other day facebook said it was your birthday

funny for some reason I thought that your were born in july

oh well doesn’t really matter

anyway I bought some beer in your honor

a limited release from Lagunitas

Undercover Investigation Shut-Down Ale, 9.7% Alc and 66.6 IBU, especially bitter as they say

they also say Beer Speaks, People Mumble

I mumble and ramble thinking of the ESB ale at Rogue we drank on occasion

and remembering some of the great places we went together and especially the music

funny how people’s lives touch and nudge one another in new directions

I was remembering a picture you showed me once of you and some blonde hippie girl, maybe girls, back in the days of your youth standing in some sunny place

don’t know if you have been to death valley, if not you gotta get here, one of the most spectacular places I have ever seen and it has those high vistas you like

this whole trip has been pretty fucking beautiful.

California highway 190 from the deepest darkest forests near the coast with huge old sequoias

remnants of another time

falling snow, mudslides and flooded roads made it interesting

to the painted molded rocks and mountains here in the desert

thinking of you

saxophones guitars

blonde girls I never knew

Yazmeen Sophie (is it Sophia now?) and Will

happy birthday dude wherever you be

see that’s how it is with being alone

friends come and go

but still I wish I had

someone

on this trip with me

what a long strange trip it’s been

I started this life as a tumbleweed

blowing across a Texas highway

carried to a cabin in the woods

and a house in the jungle

babies were born and grown

before the wind carried me elsewhere

when nobody knows you you can be anybody

the danger is you are nobody or you can’t remember who you are now

a coyote ran across the road

2 cars stopped and people got out to take pictures

coyote stopped and looked back at them with a real wtf kind of look

he smiled at me when I drove by

one of those smiles you are not sure what to make of

especially from coyote

10.

early into my hike this kind of shady looking guy sez to me

you got go up there to the right, just a little way it is worth it

you really got go up there it is worth it

I was in a good mood so I thought why not

I got kind of a suspicious feeling though when I saw a wrapper that said 10 times more

absorbent and more so when I saw a woman putting a pad in her panties

her red bush caught my attention

I asked her if she was alright and she said oh sure and told me

a nice guy with a welcoming smile had seen her in a bit of a panic because she knew she was bleeding and didn’t know where to go

he told her to go to the right, just a little way

not sure what his intentions were when he sent me up the same path and come to think of it his smile reminded me of that coyote

11.

I walked away but she said stay as she buttoned up her pants hiding the red bush which was still in my mind. She asked if I would walk a bit with her. I really didn’t have anything to do for the rest of my life so I said why not. We got to talking and her story unfolded. She was forty seven, worked most of her life as a waitress or such in nameless towns but really just wanted to back pies and fuck. Well I like pie and like to fuck so I decided to walk with her a bit more.

12.

Darwin Falls, Edward Abbey and De-evolution

bet you are wondering what that has to do with fucking and wondering more if this story is a story.

Nothing and maybe or depends on your idea of a story

I do promise there will be some fucking complete with juicy cream pies

but not just yet gee we hardly know each other

13.

The road to Camp Nelson was the victim of a flooded bridge and mudslides

I was a victim of the closure of the road to camp nelson where my cabin in the woods was waiting for me. This meant spending the night and a lot of money at the local inn but the bartender Lois made it interesting and at the cafe there was a big moose head mounted on the wall. Bad days for mooses. Sitting at the table under the moose was a lady maybe 70 years old and definitely attending to internal stimuli, or fucking crazy as they say in the biz. She was eating a bowl of gruel, drinking coffee and talking up a storm. We ended up talking about storms and mooses much to the dismay and annoyance of the dad and his two young kids who looked sternly at the two of us and the moose and walked out. Earlier the waitress a curvy hispanic gal bursting out of her clothing had spoke with this dad in a soft voice I wasn’t supposed to hear all about my unusual behavior. I must say she was pretty unfriendly especially since when I came in there were no other customers talking to her and I was being all friendly. But me and crazy Lois talked a bit more. I paid $10 for 2 eggs, toast, potatoes and coffee and left, Lois still carrying on many conversations and men across the street were getting ready to cut off limbs from an old tree which was thinking about taking out a roof and garage.

14.

So before we go much further into this story I have to tell you some of what happens is true and the names have been changed because mainly I can’t remember them or didn’t know them to start with.

So now we can go much further with the understanding that there will be shameless self promotion, lots of fucking some things that you might not have known before

advice of all kinds and questionable scientific explanations, if that kind of shit bothers you it will be one of many reasons not to read anymore of this vulgarity.

15.

I once had a dog named Blossom. We were living on a commune called Folly Farm, way more folly than farm. It was me and blossom, Flannagan my forever best dog, shaggy terrier poodle mix. Blossom was a husky shepherd mix and poorly named due to her tendency to cut the smelliest dog farts with no shame. There were other hippie type people who maybe will show up here and include a long lost cousin with great tits, long red hair and criminal ways.

Blossom liked living on the commune. She found a way to escape the fenced in abandoned garden she and flanigan ran in among the mullein and foxglove. The first thing she did when she got out at night was kill and mame our ducks. Not really a good way to be on a commune. One of the women there was a bit of witch and great at most all commune type things including chopping the heads off the wounded ducks. Later I discovered she gave great head. We lived together for awhile until her husband came to get her and the kids. I learned a lot from her about mind connections over long distances which I am using right now as I think about a mermaid I know. Blossom developed some kind of weird relationship with a group of the local coyotes and ran around with them made lots of noise (she could howl with best of them) and killed lots of things like pets and farm animals which made the neighbors not too happy but they didn’t know if was blossom because for some reason she didn’t fart with the coyotes.

16.

At the Daze Inn in Vegas I learned that if you plan on drinking a lot of tequila and smoking lots of legal weed it is important to know how to navigate to one and only one light switch. Safety First.

17,

Once you have found that light you can go on drinking and inhaling

Viva las vegas

Where anything is possible but not likely to happen

18.

I was married once, hmm grammar check once when I was married cause I was married twice legally.

I was married once, married a long time until I thought it would be a great idea to be swingers and she found out there was someone she liked to fuck better and in fact who loved her more and better than I ever did and she knew she loved him as opposed to me who she knew she never loved.

19.

But enough about me.

to be continued?

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marlaluster · 7 years

Text

Just a note, a page link, etc for Adam Evenly. ....

Some asides I had at a point in writing the headline. The devil is trying to do some threatening n attacking. It's a bit annoying. It was threatening to do something w my pooping. "She said something like I was a pile of poop, so i said this," the devil said. But some more asides. I'll paste the links, etc for Adam Evenly who it appears may be who will help even the score here for humans against the devil. https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100015281569194&fref=nf Adam Everly (Zig Zag Fart) Rob Offord Offord and 2 mutual friends Add Friend Follow Message More She Is The Ki To My Heart, And I Am Anu World To Her. Self-Employed Details Former Professor at Duke University Details Studied Psychology at Duke University Details Went to Durham Academy Details Lives in Durham, North Carolina Details Married to Ki Lyran Details From Durham, North Carolina Details Followed by 1,294 people Details -- end page details n page link (I think that's the link) -- The devil was trying to make it seem the person was very popular n well received on his page. "I was doing that. It means something for who i was. [You something else.] Youre less than," the devil said, trying to take back its words regarding it saying something like that im to be not well received here but this person something else. "I did try to take some of the words back. I can't say whatever I was saying. Youre not," the devil said. "I can't do that thing where i mess up my quote anymore. Bye," the devil said. Someone I just friended on Facebook, i can't remember her name now but she said something will happen where the world will end very soon. But EXTREMELY strange what the weird devil thing is doing w Adam Evenly's page. One weird thing the devil did was pretending Adam had worked at Duke as a housekeeper. And also he was a former student there. "He said that would've been better," someone said. Actually, Adam was SAID by the devil or rather listed on his page (as secretly planted by the devil) to have been a professor at Duke University. Some revelation of a scandal in relation to that is to surface. But Evenly quite ending the world on his page. He has a post on Trump. He even has some detail about that -- in one post -- that people pretend it's normal here n it's not. I have the EXTREMELY interesting text from that post, it had an edit so I could copy n paste the text of the post. It INTERESTINGLY relates to the recent Sept. 23 apocalyptic date being something that means some shift or change in people n their occurrences here. "There was something. Bye," the devil said. Text of post -- wow, well really it's the edit script or schedule or whatever it can be referred to. .... Adam Everly Sep 25 at 3:26pm After 9 / 11 In 2001, The People Became Fearful. 9 / 11 Was An Inside Job. After 9 / 23 In 2017, The People Became Hateful. What Happens Next Will Also Be An Inside Job. PAY ATTENTION. Before 9 / 11 In 2001, The U.S Was All About Al Qaeda Having Weapons Of Mass Destruction. Now The U.S Is All About Russia / North Korea Having Nuclear Weapons. What The U.S (Israel's Puppet) Did On 9 / 11 In 2001 Is Nothing Compared To What They Plan On Doing Here Soon In 2017. Those That Cry "It Was Not An Inside Job" Are The Same Ones That Cry "This World Is Normal, Nothing Is Out Of The Ordinary, It's All A Coincidence And I Am Not Crazy, You Are". They Will Have An Excuse Because They Do Not Have The Intellect To Discuss These High Measures Of Deceit. They Want To Have A Voice, But Deep Down They Can Only Make Noise. We Are Not At War. Instead, We Are At Spiritual War. Nothing Is As It Seems. Our Enemies Are Not As They Seem. Our Allies Are Not As They Seem. From One Despot To The Other, The Lines Melt Away Into Ominous Obscurity. The Hoard Of The Spiritual War Is Here. They Arrived On 9 / 23. Do Not Be Startled When You Watch People Change After 9 / 23. Do Not Be Surprised That Narcissism And Evil Is Taking Over The Majority Of The Collective On Various Media Outlets. Do Not Be Afraid To Question Those You Thought Were There For You. This Is A Time Of Great Deception And All Souls Of This Planetary Vessel Will Be Confused And Lost In Distraught. Do Not See With Your Eyes, See With Your Heart. The Spiritual War Is Hidden Unto Those That Run From The Unseen. The Mystery And The Unknown Of Secret Societies Beneath What Seems. Do Not Be Deceived. Be Ready, This Is Only The Beginning Of An Unrelenting Prophecy Overseen By The Fallen Angel That Waged War Against The First Colony (Lyra). Added 1 media to this post. Adam Everly Sep 25 at 3:29pm After 9 / 11 In 2001, The People Became Fearful. 9 / 11 Was An Inside Job. After 9 / 23 In 2017, The People Became Hateful. What Happens Next Will Also Be An Inside Job. PAY ATTENTION. Before 9 / 11 In 2001, The U.S Was All About Al Qaeda Having Weapons Of Mass Destruction. Now The U.S Is All About Russia / North Korea Having Nuclear Weapons. What The U.S (Israel's Puppet) Did On 9 / 11 In 2001 Is Nothing Compared To What They Plan On Doing To New York Soon In 2017. Those That Cry "It Was Not An Inside Job" Are The Same Ones That Cry "This World Is Normal, Nothing Is Out Of The Ordinary, It's All A Coincidence And I Am Not Crazy, You Are". They Will Have An Excuse Because They Do Not Have The Intellect To Discuss These High Measures Of Deceit. They Want To Have A Voice, But Deep Down They Can Only Make Noise. We Are Not At War. Instead, We Are At Spiritual War. Nothing Is As It Seems. Our Enemies Are Not As They Seem. Our Allies Are Not As They Seem. From One Despot To The Other, The Lines Melt Away Into Ominous Obscurity. The Hoard Of The Spiritual War Is Here. They Arrived On 9 / 23. Do Not Be Startled When You Watch People Change After 9 / 23. Do Not Be Surprised That Narcissism And Evil Is Taking Over The Majority Of The Collective On Various Media Outlets. Do Not Be Afraid To Question Those You Thought Were There For You. This Is A Time Of Great Deception And All Souls Of This Planetary Vessel Will Be Confused And Lost In Distraught. Do Not See With Your Eyes, See With Your Heart. The Spiritual War Is Hidden Unto Those That Run From The Unseen. The Mystery And The Unknown Of Secret Societies Beneath What Seems. Do Not Be Deceived. Be Ready, This Is Only The Beginning Of An Unrelenting Prophecy Overseen By The Fallen Angel That Waged War Against The First Colony (Lyra). Stay Away From The Coasts. Stay Away From Large Populated Cities. This is visible to anyone who can see this post. ----- end of edit history text copied n pasted ------------- Link to post text is from. ..... https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=270970790088971&id=100015281569194

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latitudelongitudegratitudein · 8 years

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A COLLECTION OF MISSED CONNECTIONS

About 4 months ago a guy friend of mine sent me a screenshot of an add on the missed connection section on craigslist and asked if I had been grocery shopping the night before. This is what the add read:

You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, “Was that you?” You quickly replied “No … Wasn’t me!” You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulence, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving 2 loafs of ciabatta bread. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I’d love to meet up sometime.

I had no idea that such section even existed on Craigslist. Basically,if you meet someone, get some feelings and you don’t get a chance to say anything you can post an add on craigslist; In the hopes the other person sees the add, contacts you and you live happily ever after. Unfortunately, the night before I was working and not farting at some grocery store. I figured I had lost my chance of finding true love, I didn’t meet the one guy who could handle a flatulent Clydesdale.

However in India I had many missed connections with boys.

I want to start by saying the last thing I came here for was to find a guy, I am (was) on a break from boys. I even put a song called “Time to be Alone” on my India Playlist. I came here to focus my attention volunteering, on myself and travel al little. But life had other plans and lessons for me.

When you travel the unexpected happens and well there you are laughing at the irony. I spent months telling my therapist that most men, or at least in LA where superficial, egotistical, selfish jerks who only wanted one night stands (Maybe not all but a good 70%).

“How am I going to find a nice one, Michelle?! They are all the same”.

Michelle, who has been granted with the patience of a saint, looked me in the eye the way a school teacher looks at a spastic 7 year old, took a deep breath and said something really wise (She always does) Maybe something about not generalizing. I was not paying attention so I couldn’t tell you what she said.

I probably told her “ Yeah, I know Michelle.”

I could only think “Fuck, I am are screwed for sure. Good luck finding this fucking nice guy”.

I traveled 8,150.95 miles to learn a very important fact: There’s plenty of nice guys out there. They are everywhere in the world.

I don’t know how much God loves math but I met 10 …. 10 out of 10 very nice guys with whom I had “Missed connections” with ( No guys, I did not make out with all 10 of them!) Only 9, just kidding! I know that’s what you are thinking, I know I could have been capable in the past but no, I am just telling you this story tell you what I learned from them.

( I just made out with 1)

#1 Germany

We shall call him Marx, in the honor of Karl Marx. I met him on my 4th day in India, he is really cute, quiet and chill.

I usually don’t go for that type, they are “too nice”; When he looked at me I wanted to smile and hide at the same time.We talked and hung out with our other friends and then one day we kinda had a date. Not planned but dates and things just happen here.

I had to go run errands and he offered to come with me, then he suggested a walk, we went for candy ( He paid for it, the full $20 rupees haha) and then tricked me into a dinner.

He was really really fucking nice and it made me cringe to have someone so interested in my life and stuff. We had Chai tea like 10 times and then he said he would like to have Chai’s with me for a long time. I wanted to pour the scalding Chai on my face to make it disappear but I just smiled like an idiot.

Nothing happened between us. We hung out a couple times more before he left for Sikkim ( He invited me but I went to Bangalore for the wedding) and when he came back, he found out my new room number and went to knock on my door to hang out one last time before he left.

What did I learn: I learned to relx. Even though I don’t always show it, when I am remotely interested in a guy I suffer from Chronophobia, fear of passing time. Millions of questions pop into my mind the first one being What if he just wants to fuck me? (like in LA) What if he tries to kiss me? What if I like it? What if I don’t? What if he wants to hold my hand? What if? What if? What if?.

With him I learned to relax, I stopped freaking out and lived in the moment. I accepted the fact that yeah, he might have been attracted to me but he also liked drinking gallons of Chai Tea in my company because I’m really cool and Chai is awesome. Thanks Marx.

#2 Chile

“Pablo Neruda”

We became really good friends, he had a girlfriend, we backpacked India and shared many beds.

Now, nothing happened. We got really close, as close as only backpackers can become after experiencing everything together. He was super nice and told me I looked beautiful a couple of times ( Not trying to get anything from me, just a geniuine compliment). It felt strange.

He is good looking, funny, cool and … nice. Did I feel a little anxiety about sharing a bed with him after going for drinks, yes. Was there a brief moment where we shared a strange connection, yes. Did we act on it. No (I’m proud of both of us).

Instead of acting on it we looked at each other, laughed at the ridiculousness of the moment and went to sleep. Towards the end of the trip we had a conversation and he said he had never cheated on his girlfriend, that he had been tempted a couple of times … “ Very recently, Actually” (Oops!) He said :

“If you are with someone because you love them, you are with them wherever you are and that’s it. If you want to fool around with many others, then you break up. I want to be with my girlfriend.”

I learned form Pablo that there are decent guys out there, decent guys that are good looking, funny and cool. Through him I learned that as humans we are all tempted but we always have a choice. We choose to act on impulse or pause.

I am not proud to say in the past I have kissed guys, guys who are someone’s boyfriend. I had no remorse, I have always been a person who acts on impulse and I never gave a shit… I am learning to pause.

Thanks Pablo!

#3 Argentina

EL CHE

We met in our backpacking trip, we only hung out for a couple of days. I was traveling with 5 more people by then and we had activities planned out for everyday.

He dropped his plans and joined us, we rented scooters and drove to a few villages. I had no clue there was any interest from his part until I said I was going to Town to do some jewelry shopping and he offered to come. ( I also thought, he might be gay) He wasn’t.

We talked and turned out to be really smart, cool, nice and reserved. Passionate about many things but about food, he spoke of how much he liked cooking and that I should go visit him in Argentina and he would cook for me. Then he looked at me “weird” and I saw it for a second like the “like” look, it was totally unexpected and I was confused more than anything.

After an hour in Town, the girls arrived and we all went for dinner together. He left that night.

I learned from him that sometimes we don’t pay attention and pass on smart, nice guys that are interested in us. That maybe not all guys will come up to you and flirt. I learned to pay attention to the quiet guys too.

#4 INDIA

Karan

That is his real name, he was a really nice Indian bro I met.

Long story short, I was told a guy hurt 2 of the puppies that lived outside Mother house ( We played with them and I knew those puppies). I went to take a look and both of them had, had their arms broken by a fucking guy …. Like why?

Juliette (another volunteer) and I picked up the dogs and started walking on the way to the vet canine, or so we were told. We walked for like 30 minutes trying to find the clinic, the puppies where whimpering and we could tell they where in too much pain. I didn’t know why I was carrying a stray dog, I didn’t know what was going to happen, I didn’t know if the area was safe, and for a moment I thought the one I was carrying might die. The people on the street don’t understand how people can care for animals so they laugh and look at you weird.

I tried my best but when I thought my puppy was dying I felt the tears streaming down my face. I know I am a loser and the thought of having her die on my arms made me want to faint. I didn’t , instead we found Karan who took us to the vet and waited 5 hours for the doctor to look at the dogs.

The dogs are okay now, the vet probably felt bad for us and didn’t charge us and Karan wanted to spend more time with me and see me again.

Indian men are not my cup of tea when it comes to looks but he was the good looking kind an all, but I didn’t feel it. He invited me to bars and concerts and well I was not too interested in those activities in Kolkata.

I learned there are guys out there that care about the same things as you do ( Like puppies) and that are good and willing to help strangers.

P.S The puppies are okay now!

#5 INDIA II

Good Night, “Nasheeli Ankay”

This was a very quick missed connection with another Indian guy, whose name I don’t remember. We where in the hostel lobby, I picked up a book, eyeing the pages to see if seemed interesting. This guy introduced himself and started telling me about it.. In Hindi. After I clarified I wasn’t Indian he re-introduced himself and told me about the book.

He was very passionate and if I were a complete Sapiosexual I might have found it super hot. Even though he wasn’t my type at all he was super nice though so I paid attention to him, then when he talked a little and I excused myself to go to my room. I was exhausted.

Before I left he asked if I knew what “Nasheeli Ankay” meant in Hindi and I guessed good night. He laughed and told me you should google it, it’s what you have.

I thought he couldn’t possibly know about my venereal diseases ( Kidding!) I smiled and said good night.

I googled it and I found this in a blog:

“It does mean intoxicating eyes. that means your eyes are so beautiful that I could get lst in them. like when people drink booze, they get soo lost in it they become drunk. kinda the same concept”

Maybe he was drunk haha. Maybe that’s why my eyes seemed extra glassy to him or something

I learned from him that: Compliments still make me a little uncomfortable haha and I learned that it doesn’t matter I am not interested in someone, I should never be mean, rude or arrogant. I have said some very nasty things to guys in bars that have tried talking to me. No one deserves to be treated like shit, no matter how the look like, dress like or talk about. They deserve attention and to be treated politely. Maybe they turn out to be really cool, maybe you end up becoming friends with them.

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Im trying not to.

#6 MEXICO

VOLDEMORT, The one who shall note be named.

You probably know who he is already. I have known Voldemort since I was 13, I had a crush on him for about 12 years. He is the guy my family would like me to marry, his family would like me to marry him too. ( He lives in a different City btws)

Problem? He never showed any interest, for pride reasons neither did I. At 18 we kissed and it was not good and I was a bitch after -_- hehe and then at 21, on a very honest, drunk moment on NYE I told him I had always liked him.

He told me he had always liked me too but sometimes I was a bitch and a little finicky. I laughed and we kissed. He said maybe one day he would come visit me in LA and I said “Cool”.

One year later he moved to Thailand for his MBA. It has been about 4 years. Guess what Country is 2 hours away from Thailand …India. I talked to him before going to India and said I might go to Thailand ( I have always wanted to see Thailand and well, two birds with one stone).

I planned the trip with one of my friends to spend NYE in Thailand and talked to him before so he would recommend a hotel etc. He offered his house and I said yes.

We went the trip was super cool, Thailand is beautiful, the food was amazing but this post isn’t about the place.

Voldemort was really nice, he did everything right and behaved like a gentleman but I realized I was no longer attracted to him, and unlike The Beauty and The Beast there was nothing there. It had vanished, at least from my part but I feel from his too.

We spoke and a few things he said where kind of a turn off because we think and see life differetly like the fact he works as the manager of a restaurant and hates it ( I know I work in the service Industry) but it’s because I have auditions and shorts to shoot. He does it because it pays okay and he can travel.

His concept of traveling in Asia and Pakistan include lots of partying, too much alcohol and women. Not a lot about getting to see the cool things about other Countries.

He has no plans for his future, no inspiration or aspirations. He seldom talks to his family since he left and drinks probably 4 days out of the week. I don’t think we want the same things in life and well, that’s life. I was not disappointed or anything, the trip was great regardless and it was cool because we had been friends before anything happened.

#7 FRANCE

NAPOLEON

This is a very short story , he was super cute and not into me at all. In the beginning I was kind of annoyed. Like, Why? Then I remembered that I was not there for the guys and not everyone has to be into you. You get over it, you did nothing wrong, there is a reason for everything.

#8 SPAIN

Pablo

The one I did make out with and had a 14 hour date. I learned from Pablo that I can be myself in a date and survive. Of course didn’t show the psycho parts, those come later once they guy is hooked ;) No but seriously, I was able to share personal things about me. I didn’t die.

I learned he had our wedding planned out, and all guys talk shit at some point. It’s part of the game and it is important to find the humor in it.

Lastly, I didn’t feel awkward when I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him. It didn’t matter how “Romantic” it sounded, our last night in India together etc. Yes, it was nice and if I had felt like doing it I probably would have ( I listen to myself more now) but I wasn’t feeling it. I told him, he understood. He texts me till this day.

#9 BELGIUM

I met this guy on new years, we started talking and we hit it off. He said some nice shit and I thought “ Huh … interesting”, I mean I was in Thailand and it has been soooooo long since I have had a casual encounter with a stranger. Maybe about 2 years.

I was tempted, really. I could either give him the look and grab his beautiful face or I could pause my thoughts and talk to him a little longer. Surprisingly, I choose the latter.

Later I realized that he was a little desperate to just hook up with anyone, I wasn’t and so I left.

I realized I have learned to respect myself and my body ( Not that casual hook ups are wrong) I think it’s just better when there is at least a connection and not just desperation.

#10 POLAND

The same night I met the guy from Belgium I met a Polish bro. I was on my way back from the bathroom when someone put a hand on my arm, I turned an there he was. The guy who had helped me start the scooter when I had trouble with it earlier that day.

Not a looker, but a very nice bro. We talked for a while but I was sleepy and ready to go home. After half an hour I told him I was leaving and it had been nice meeting him. I could have stayed and talked because of guilt, but I didn’t feel bad I wasn’t interested in him, I had been nice to him and I was really tired.

I learned that you can still be polite and“reject” people in ways the don’t feel rejected or hurt.

Thanks to this 10 bros, my faith in the opposite sex has been restored. I believe there are many decent guys out there and they are everywhere in the world. Im thankful I learned from this really nice ones, I no longer believe that they are all vain, superficial, cheaters who just want to get laid.

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nebulawriter · 8 years

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Voltron Season 2

Overall, I am VERY VERY HAPPY with this and eagerly look forward to Season 3, but in the meantime, will enjoy what we have and look forward to making fanfictions with all this!

Because Voltron is so character heavy, we’ll divide this by characters and groups.

Main Cast, from least fave in the season to most:

Hunk--I am very disappointed with the way Hunk was portrayed this season. It was my biggest issue with the season as a whole. The Hunk we got in the first season was a mechanical GENIUS, had a great sense of humor, and was a true and loyal friend who, yes, had a passion for good food. In the second season, it felt like he was reduced to food. That was his only characterization. Any time they needed a joke from hunk it was about how he was thinking of space tacos or calzones or how he farted and vomited a lot. This was most apparent #1 in episode 4, where I understand it was supposed to be a pidge-centric episode, but you can’t tell me Hunk wouldn’t be just as enthralled with the amazing machines of the Omikari (am I spelling that right? IDK) and #2 in episode 7 Space Mall, where Hunk took over as chef instead of, I dunno, FIXING THE ROBOT. Don’t tell me he couldn’t. Oh, Also, Why was he being so MEAN to Keith in The Belly of the Weblum? Like, I get his being a Galra would make him awkward, but some of his lines were...well, really mean. That’s not really Hunk’s style.

Lance--not AS disappointed, but I feel like more could have been done with just a couple switches. Most importantly in Escape from Beta Traz, which was kinda like ‘his episode’ I felt that it was less his insecurities about himself (which were definitely there) and more about how his friends see him? What with the way he got that way when Pidge insulted him, and...I mean, I GUESS that was resolved with Shiro complimenting him, but. I was going for something deeper, I think. Some kind of raw emotion. I wanted them to make Lance cry is what I’m saying.

Coran--is an amazing, amazing character though I wish he would get some of his own juicy screen time. But hilarious, absolutely hilarious.

Allura--I liked the way they dealt with her coming to terms with Keith. I sorta wish Coran or Shiro called her out for it, but it made sense. I know people are going to bully her and say she was racist (I’ve already seen it) and yeah, it was wrong of her to lump Keith in with the other Galra, no question, but...her people were literally genocided. I don’t know if thats a word, but. All of them. ALL her people. And she’s still young, so she doesn’t know how to handle it all well, but she did eventually come around. So, I’m satisfied. I wish we got to see her kick some more ass on the Balmera, but what we got was acceptable.

Pidge--I am satisfied with Pidge’s character here. They were funny, smart, got to come into their own a bit. Vines are a...weird power to have, but okay. Could be worse. And she has another hint at where her brother might be! I look forward to this. OH! and if you’ve noticed the pronoun shift I have firmly adapted to nonbinary pidge canon, primarily for the bathrooms. Like. Choosing between the two felt like a strong hint towards Pidge being unsure which gender they fit under. So, I think they might still be coming to terms with that, but. Thats where I am with that.

Shiro--Where art thou????? But really, this was some good characterization for Shiro, between settling in as the Black Paladin, dealing with Keith, dealing with the Blade of Marmora...just in general real good. And we got to see some paladin backstory through the eyes of the black lion! I wonder if they’re ALL made of that asteroid stuff, or just Black. I think this was very important, as last season he seemed unsure if he was ‘worthy’ of Black, so to see him fight for Black was nice.

Keith--is it any surprise Keith had my fave development this season? Mostly because he had the MOST development this season? I think it was all handled very nicely, very in character, and while on one hand I’m sad to see it may have taken time out from some other character’s development, I coulda used even more. I don’t appreciate as much the writers dangling Keith and Shiro’s backstory over our heads, but I want to know what it IS. Also, I truly believe that the stranger in the Weblum is his mother. I’ve seen theories that state it was Lotor, but I disagree. First off, I don’t think Lotor could have been missing that long, and also, why would he be wearing ORANGE armor and not the traditional red or grey? Second, I know Keith called the stranger ‘he’ but thats because the kid was raised in a patriarchal society and assumed things. Personally, the way the character was standing in certain shots felt more like a woman’s stance (thinking in terms purely of character design and animation) and so, that is my theory. Also the shack was where he lived with his dad???? I was surprised by that, I had assumed he found it after he got booted from the Garrison so he could search for Blue, but. Hmm. HMMMM.

Others:

Villains--I was glad to see a seed of tension between Haggar and Zarkon, that felt more interesting to me storywise than the both of them going “mwahahaha we will soon have them.” Also, is Zarkon fucking dead? I’ll have to rewatch. Oh yeah, and Haggar’s an Altean. Who knew? I swear, though, if those theories I saw about her being Allura’s mother are true I QUIT. Honestly, looking at the OG design for Prince Lotor, I might not be surprised if he’s the son of Zarkon and Haggar (not that I want to think about THAT relationship (shiver)). So, we’ll see, I look forward to seeing Lotor’s design+Character.

The Blade of Marmora--I was sad about Thace and....that other guy....but not as much as I maybe should have. IDK they were an interesting plot device? Also, are there any women Galra? Like, I suspect Keith’s mom, but....you couldn’t have thrown in some lady villains or rebels or something? Please?

Omikiri: They were a fun race. I wish we got to see more of the slave who was working for the King? He seemed interesting. But otherwise, cool, helpful people are helpful.

Slav.--Uh. Hm. I want to know who voiced him. Its just. With the accent it felt like they were trying to do a stereotype, and a fairly offensive one at that. Maybe thats just me, and actually Indian people can say that its not stereotypical to have a character with an accent, which...is true but...hmm. I felt uneasy. Its just weird with so many diverse characters in the cast that this is what they try to do. Outside the accent, though, it was funny seeing a character test Shiro’s seemingly limitless patience.

Other others--Shay was there! didn’t expect that. Varkon the mall cop was glorious (was that Al Yankovic? I know he was supposed to be in this season and that felt like the most him character, but its hard to tell sometimes) The various Galra mini-bosses were funny in a pathetic kinda way, though I liked the Yupper. The mermaids were a thing, we didn’t get to see much of them outside brain control, but they were interesting.

IDK what else to say...Like I said, I look forward to season 3 and also the fanworks that are created in the intervening time.

#laura writes #Voltron season 2

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showupgoupla · 6 years

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Do Comedians Need Record Labels? by Jay Whitecotton

edited by Al Bahmani

Are you debating releasing an album? The idea of recording an album may be very overwhelming and you may be at a loss as to how to proceed, but I’m telling you- You can pull this off. Before making any decisions or signing any contracts, collect as much information as you can before you both regret and literally pay for it.

Fair warning, this is going to be as thorough as I can be, trying to cover angles you might not have even considered. There will most likely be some run on sentences and editing mistakes because I tend to blank out anytime I’m doing something that feels like work. Avoiding work is what attracted me to Standup in the first place and I’m not the most disciplined of people.

Also - I’m told visuals help break up the monotony of long posts so I decided to use the same picture of Jon Hamm and a German Shepard mix to ease your reading experience.

Let’s start here:

Should you record an album?

It's on you to know whether or not you’re ready. Just please be ready and don’t be the ‘I have three hours of material’ fraud carrying pounds of notebooks, but struggles to fill a fifteen-minute spot with consistent laughs.

Do you need something to sell on the road?

Clubs are paying less and less, no longer putting up Features in hotels, and having something to sell is almost a necessity just to cover gas. Headliners are even feeling the pinch trying to scrounge up more credits just so clubs will feel comfortable booking them over rising YouTube stars or that host of the Mr. Sexy Murder Podcast.

Do people want this?

Having an album feels cool and may con your parents into covering your rent while you pursue your dumb dreams, but nothing is going to put you down to reality harder than when you do all this hard work just to find out the eight friends who always ask ‘when’s your next show’ and never go – can’t seem to justify paying $10 for your ‘art’.

(Let’s all take a second to reflect on all the idiot musicians who are in the same boat, but with thousands of dollars of burdensome equipment they have to lug around. Lol art sucks)

Finally

Are you actively being sweet talked by industry and label heads looking to profit on all the years of work you already did by yourself? This is your best sign that you are ready. When industry leeches smell a hint of hope and money on you, ya know you have a shot of making a go at this.

Label vs. Self-Distribution

First the positives. If a label can’t contractually guarantee you plays on Sirius/XM radio and expose you to a large audience of new fans with contractually agreed payments for advertising and marketing in places that will get you seen – then you don’t really need a label. (Most don’t really do these things)

Here’s the nitty-gritty. I’m telling you from experience and with the same level of lazy blindness when it comes to taking control of this side of the work that – you don’t need a record label. In fact, most people don’t need record labels. We live in the future. If you’ve already recorded and edited an album, you can put it out on all the avenues the labels use and get 100% of the profit from your laptop.

“But Jay, doesn’t a Label sound cool to consumers?”

Get over yourself. No one cares anymore. You just want things that sound cool to give you validation. Fuck your validation. It’s not real. Just be good, it’ll be fine.

“But Jay, a label will promote me to a huge fan base! I’ll get new fans and lots more places will book me!”

Nope. That’s not really what they do. They may promise that to you and something like Comedy Central Records may be a giant boon, but if Comedy Central is releasing your album, you’re probably already getting exposure on the channel or getting writing work and in no way reading this.

Very few labels exist for ‘the love of comedy’. It’s about money. Labels make a money from a few physical sales, mostly digital sales and plays and some by getting the comics to buy their bulk physical copies through them.

Here’s the digital breakdown.

There’s a thing called Sound Exchange. And when your comedy gets played, a fraction of cents gets divided into two piles: The Producer and The Artist. Periodically you will get a check (usually quarterly) and the Producer will get an equal amount separate from you. Both checks are equal in amount. (I have a friend signed to one label who doesn’t even get his artist check. That goes to the label as well and it’s becoming a thing he has to try and legally negotiate with them about. There’s a ton of free-floating confusion about this stuff, ask questions)

The money is based on your popularity and for some it’s great, others not so much. Most people tell me the pay seems less and less every year. It’s almost like these streaming services are designed to profit off the artists as well as the general public. WEIRD!

Here’s what this means. Basically – you as an individual have a ceiling of worth. When you release your album – the first three days is when you will pretty much get all your sales. You’ll promote it, you’ll have toured and built up a fan base interested in buying it, and when you release it – all their enthusiasm will come together in a big sales push to support you. After that – they move on to the millions of other shit in their lives. Welcome to the future! It’s a pool of nonsense swirling with illusion and you’re a drop of water.

The Label will have got their heavy cut purely on your years of hustle and work, then pretty much move on to another because that’s their grind.

You see – while you get that Sound Exchange, they also get one AND another for as many artists as they can gobble up. It’s not in their financial interest to take the time and help you build your fan base.

It’s in their interest to profit off you doing that work and the hundreds of other comedians trying to do the same thing for themselves. You understand? You get one check, but their goal is to get hundreds.

That’s the game.

If you’re still looking for a Label to validate you, look at the Label’s previous history of artists and promotion. How many likes or shares do their posts get? Chances are – you get way more. That means the Label is most likely profiting off of you more than you from them. It might be a silly thing to view social media likes as a barometer of interest to some, but really – you know what a post advertising your album with three likes on their page vs. 200 on your own personal page means.

Look at the roster. Ask people you may know about their experiences. Research how often the Label’s been sued. Seriously, that’s a thing. I almost released on one label that had a giant roster of my favorite comedians, only to find out most were one-and-done and more than a few ended up in court over the label’s shenanigans.

The Contract:

No contract is the same as the other and I’m not a lawyer, but here’s some sample verbiage you need to familiarize yourself with as to what it means to your career.

“Recording Costs and Procedures. Each LP will be recorded at the sole expense of Label. Recording expenses shall include engineering, production, equipment, tape, editing and mastering expenses. None of these expenses will be charged to Artist’s account, nor will they be recouped from Artist’s royalties. Subject to any necessary third-party approval, Label will be allowed to record any performance of Artist during the Term, provided that Label gives Artist at least seven days notice of its intent to record.”

What this is saying is that the label will take on the cost of hiring someone to bring all the necessary equipment to record your performance and then spend the time to edit and master it. You won’t ever be out of pocket for these expenses. This is a good and worthwhile thing as getting the best sound is crucial. However, what if the label hires someone who’s not good at this? Just because someone has a mic or two and a soundboard doesn’t mean they know how to record a proper standup show. I’ve heard many a mix where the audience is super quiet and the comedian very loud. This usually means that the sound person just mic’d up the comic and let the audience laughter bleed into his direct track. It’s lazy, poor quality and also doesn’t involve that much actual “mixing”. Ask to hear the specific person recording’s previous work.

Just because they’re a professional Label, doesn’t guarantee you a professional recording! I’m looking at you Rooftop Records.

You need to make sure there’s a stage mic and that it’s recorded directly into the board, an area mic above the audience to capture their laughter and two mics towards the back wings of the crowd. Why so many? You want to get the best mix between the crowd and the comic to sound fresh on your album, but also able to tweak in the mix in case you need to hide an annoying weird laughter, somebody’s coughing fit, or worse – a drunken girlfriend trying to be supportive by answering all your rhetorical questions. All shit that can happen. All shit a proper sound engineer and label should expect if they actually care about you. Ask for it in your contract.

“Ownership of Recordings and Underlying Works. All Recordings made by Label and released on any LP under this Agreement will be deemed “works made for hire” under the United States Copyright Act, and Label shall be the sole and exclusive owner of all right, title and interest in the Recordings, including all copyrights and reversions in the Recordings delivered by Artist under the terms of this Agreement.”

This means the Label owns your recorded material.

“Label, its successors, licensees and assigns shall have the exclusive worldwide right in perpetuity, to manufacture, sell, distribute, exhibit, publicize, market and advertise the Recordings by any means and in any format.”

The Label and anyone who buys their catalog can do whatever they want with it. It means if they want to put you on their ‘Now That’s What I Call Farts Vol. 5’ compilation – they can. You’ll still be owed money for listens and sales, but the label has this option. The keyword here that you have to be careful about is “in perpetuity” – that means forever. Permanent. You as an artist have the right to put a timetable on this. You can negotiate clauses. Just know, the likelihood of being on a NOW Farts compilation is highly unlikely.

“Notwithstanding the foregoing, Artist will retain all copyrights in the original material (i.e., all jokes, stories, comedic and other material included in Artist’s performance), provided that Artist agrees not to re-record any of the same material contained on LPs produced hereunder for release as an audio-only recording until 5 (FIVE) years shall have passed from the termination of this Agreement. Label will be the ‘publisher’ of the material and entitled to collect the publisher’s share of any analog public performance royalties payable to the publisher of the material. Artist will receive its own share of analog and digital public performance royalties and digital master public performance royalties directly from its affiliate performing rights organizations.”

Ok – this shit is important. It says that while you own your own words and act, if you re-record any of it again in a 5-year window, the Label is owed money. Which makes sense – why would they record you if you were to just put out other versions in a year? The “audio-only” is important as it gives you the right to film the material if you get that opportunity.

Say HBO gives you an hour special, or SeeSo rises from the dead to feast on your act – you SHOULD be good to go to record your act for video, but if they make an album out of it you may be stuck in litigation and have to pay the Label to buy yourself out. This could turn into a motherfucker. Ask questions. Write it down.

Look harder at these words: “until 5 (FIVE) years shall have passed from the termination of this Agreement.” Ask when the termination of this agreement ends. If there’s no set date - then that 5-year window doesn’t really matter. Its five years AFTER you both decide to end the agreement. Is it the date of release? The date of recording? This matters because – and this seriously happens – if you record your hour and they drag their feet in releasing it. That means they still own your material even if it never gets released. That’s that magical “in perpetuity” coming to fuck you. It’s a predatory language in a contract and if you’re currently stuck in one – may give you a legal way out of a bad deal. Again – not a lawyer, but you see why you may need one to go with the ‘convenience’ of a Label?

STORY TIME: say you record twenty minutes opening for someone else’s album recording and they get you to sign this deal saying they could get you some extra money if you’d like from online streaming. However – they never put it out and you don’t think twice about it because you’re a comedian, not a business nerd. Then – years later and after no communication with the label, your career starts to explode. You’re getting TV show stuff and decide to record your full hour and feel excited, but guess what – after years of silence, suddenly the Label dude announces that he owns that twenty minutes he oft handily recorded years ago and you can’t use any of it for the proper album you’d like to release. Not only that but for some reason, there was a clause in the contract you didn’t notice because “TL/DR” and now you owe the label three hour long albums! You know – that thing we all can just write and do. Then imagine you have to pay the Label that did nothing for you to let you go and because you seem successful, the asking price to buy you out suddenly becomes thousands and thousands of dollars.

This happens.

Now let’s look hard at the Term of Agreement.

“The Term of this Agreement will begin on the date on which it shall have been signed by both Label and Artist. The agreement will run for up to two (2) contract periods, one initial period, during which Artist will deliver one LP (LP1) and one (1) optional periods during which, if the option is exercised by Label at its sole discretion, Artist will deliver an additional LP (LP2). Within one year from the release date of each LP delivered hereunder, Label shall notify Artist in writing of its intent to exercise its option to record the next LP. The Term of this agreement will expire either: 1) nine (9) months after the release date of the last released LP; or, 2) when Label declines to exercise its option to record the next optional LP, whichever comes first.”

The word “period” is vague here. What measurement is a “contract period” much less two of them? At the end, it says “The Term of this agreement will expire either: 1) nine (9) months after the release date of the last released LP” meaning that it's over – only after the album is officially released. Meaning – in perpetuity – if not released. The other is a Label option for a second album after you record the first. That means the label can hold you to a second release even if you didn’t like how they handled the first, which may screw you if say you get interest from Comedy Central. Especially if you’re buyout clause from your agreement doesn’t have a set price like say $500 and a pizza.

Funny story. The above excerpt is from a contract that was sent to me by a stand-up record label. When I verbally agreed to work with them, I had specifically stated that the deal would be for one album with an artist option for a second. Meaning whether or not the process sucked or was good, I had the option to record another with them or not. However – they wrote it in the official contract as their option instead. Meaning I could be trapped in a bad deal owing them the second album.

Just because you agree in person means nothing if it’s not written down to reflect your spoken agreement. Always put it in writing.

Artist’s Additional Rights.

“Artist’s Right to Purchase Copies from Label. Artist may also purchase an unlimited number of non-royalty bearing CD copies of the Recordings from Label for purposes of resale by Artist for Artist’s personal or promotional use at the price of five dollars ($5.00) per CD and ten dollars ($10.00) per LP, if manufactured by Label, (the “Artist Discount Rates”). Notwithstanding the foregoing, Label agrees to provide thirty (120) copies of the CD to Artist at no charge.”

This is about the physical copies. It means that if you’d like to sell them after your show you have to buy them from the Label. This is helpful because the label pays to have them made and you can sell them. However, $5 a copy? They are literally fucking you. There’s a whole bunch of services that charge way less to manufacture CD’s. (seen some as low as a $1 depending on quantity) Services the Label goes through themselves! That $5 is just another way the Label can profit off the comedians work.

Here’s a fun fact! It’s 2018 – who buys CD’s anymore? Do YOU buy CD’s? From experience, I’ve seen comedians sell less and less physical albums every year. Everything is about digital now. The audience wants to stream it and could give two fucks about physical copies after shows. They want T-Shirts. It sucks, but it’s true. Stand Up Comedy was invented by the T-Shirt companies to move product. If any label tries to push you into buying CD’s from them at $5 a pop – suspect everything they do.

Back story: In my contract, I negotiated down to $3.25, but found out from other people on the Label they were paying $5 while some were paying $3. This is shady shit and the Label head got super pissed we were talking to each other about it. Remember – If a Label head doesn’t want you talking to other artists about their contracts then they are trying to fuck you somewhere.

Digital Download Royalty Rates.

“For each individual track from the Recordings (a “Single”) or complete album sold or streamed via Digital Download, Label will pay Artist a royalty equal to fifty (50%) of Label’s Net Receipts from such sale(s). Label’s Net Receipts are defined as Label’s gross receipts from Digital Download sales of Artist’s Recordings, less any distributor charges for upload or file maintenance.”

Digital sales are everything you’re going to make here in the World of Tomorrow. That’s the bulk of what you get from iTunes, Bandcamp, Amazon, the whole bit. Here it says you get 50% of Net receipts from online sales.

Quick lesson: Gross sales are the grand total of all sale transactions reported in a period, without any deductions included within the figure. Net sales are defined as gross sales minus deductions.

Here’s what you need to iron out.

“…less any distributor charges for upload or file maintenance.”

Say your album is sold for $10. Well, iTunes can take 30 to 40% of your sales just for hosting it. That means you’re immediately making $6-7 on your album. Cut in half with the Label, 3 to $3.50. Think about this hard. Half your sales are going to a Label just because they spent an hour uploading it to a distribution site. Did the label bring you any extra sales or were they all from the audience you already created?

Did you not have the hour in your life to do it yourself?

Food for thought. Do you get your digital sales back after the agreement is over? Or does the label get 50% of your online sales (again the bulk of where you’ll make money) in perpetuity? This is a real thing that can happen if not written out. For instance, if you eventually get your album rights back – how will the Label transfer all your future sales back to you?

There’s a whole bunch more to this process, but essentially these things above are what you need to really get your head around. Some of you reading this may already be in bad contracts. You may have a few outs, depending on state laws and the verbiage. You may have good legal reasons to get out of it and take your career and art back into your hands from predators and dream fuckers. Talk to other comics, work together, it’s not that hard and most of you have nothing to lose.

They’re the ones with something to lose and us talking publically about these issues is how we protect ourselves from frauds.

Own your own hard work and make sure the people who get behind your talent are pushing it forward, instead of bleeding it out for their own profit.

It sounds like you hate Labels, are you bitter?

I don’t hate labels, I hate frauds. My first album was put out by Sure Thing Records based out of Austin, TX. Not only are they good friends of mine, but also genuinely doing it for the sake of comedy. They gave me a great deal and were completely upfront with me about all the ins and outs, plus they had already signed comics I loved and respected. It was the perfect situation and if anyone asks me privately, I would recommend them wholeheartedly.

For my second release, I did it by myself for two reasons. One, because Sure Thing and I couldn’t match our release schedules (they put all their energy/promotion into one release at a time and were already releasing another) and two, I wanted to research how to do this alone specifically to show others who may not have had the options I had (or considering working with leeches), how to take control of this themselves.

It's crazy how there are so many options for comics to do this and yet we’re still resigned to banging our heads with car doors at the mere sound of handling business.

But Jay, how do I know if I can record an album by myself?No problem. Let’s go through that beat by beat.

Recording and mastering

Do you know musicians? Podcasters? People who record with mics and equipment? Ask around. Get on Facebook and ask if anyone can help. This also helps in seeing if the general audience is hyped about you even doing an album. You will find plenty of people to talk to who’ll probably be down to do this. I was fortunate and had a friend named Jess who did professional commercial editing. He asked for $50, but I ended up paying him more because he was incredible and as obsessive as I was about the mix. Mastering is very important, but you can get that done later in the process. Stay tuned.

Pick a venue according to your audience needs.

If you work mostly clubs, you’ll know which ones would love to have you record in their space, but keep in mind they’re pretty much bar/restaurants. You may not want the sound of waitresses barking orders or a random bridal party fucking up your shit. For my recording, I found a bar that had a separate basement that was carpeted so the sound wouldn’t bounce around like a warehouse. It fit 50 people comfortably and maxed out at 75.

Plan on two to three shows (four is most desirable).

Hopefully, you got your shit down and can do a full hour, but that said – mistakes happen. Bad things always get in the way. Sometimes you’re sharper the second show because you were able to get your rhythm in the first. Or better yet – maybe you knock it out of the park the first show and can really relax and not be stressed out for the others. Maybe you think it sucks. You’ll probably think it sucks until you listen to it later and realize its fucking rad. Then – after tons of listens you’ll hate it and yourself again.

Promote.

Maybe do a suggested donation instead of an admission charge. You want the people who support you to come out excited to hear you record. Say it goes to pay for the recording. It's more legit then being one of those gofundme assholes.

After the recording.

Listen to it and mark notes if and when you hear a mistake or want to edit something out. Listen to all the shows. Pick what feels right. Do what matches your voice best. You or your editor can mix the tracks together on almost any audio program like Garageband, etc. Listen to it – take long breaks then come back to it. Don’t rush, you want to be proud of this thing that’s going to be in perpetuity. It’s your words, it’s your craft, whose hands do you want it to be in? Once you’re satisfied with the mix you’ll need to master. GET IT MASTERED. This makes the audio even without extreme volume peaks and quality for professional distribution.

I have my album and track listings, now what?

You’ll need art. Put out the call on Facebook. Ask around, you probably know tons of artists or just use a clean headshot. I’ve designed tons of ideas on my phone just working with apps and being creative. Know anyone with photoshop skills? Put out the call, you’re friends want to help. Just don’t be too needy and reciprocate back. We all got to support each other. I was lucky to randomly scroll through Facebook and discover Brett Brock. He’s my favorite human being and a fantastic artist.

How do I self-release this thing I’m sick of now?

There’s a ton of options and a lot of people have used sites like Tunecore and CD Baby. Both have their strengths and easy to research, but I’ll just cut the bullshit and recommend Distrokid. It was the simplest process, the best priced and gave me the options I needed for comedy. You literally upload your album and they host it for $19.99 a year. To put this into perspective, other places charge 2-3 times more to do the same thing. More perspective? No problem. For that $19.99 you can upload all the content you want, while the other places charge for each individual upload. Meaning that if you wanted to release multiple EP’s instead of one album, you still only pay $19.99 a year. Or pay $50 and Distrokid will never take it down if your membership lapses or you die. It’s kind of rad.Still want physical copies? No problem, there’s a ton of businesses who ship from everywhere in the country. I used https://www.affordablesound.com based out of Austin, TX and they were easy to work with. The price depends on the quantity you print, but keep in mind – people don’t really buy them anymore.

Release Strategy

Ok, here comes some realities. What do you want out of this release? Only you can decide this. When you upload to Distrokid you can choose literally 150 or more platforms to put your album on. If its just about exposure then click all the boxes and have a drink, you’re done. If its about sales then I’d suggest not putting it out on Spotify or Pandora streaming sites as it means people will choose to do that over paying the $9.99 for your work. Later on, go ahead and steam it as you like. I waited a year myself, but before that I personally wanted to set a value to what I produced and genuinely feel streaming lessens the public’s perception of what you do.

The fact is people don’t really want to pay for shit. Also - most of the people I know are broke, but that said - its up to you what your album is worth. There’s nothing wrong with saying your work is worth $10 and then putting it up on YouTube etc after a year as you move on to the next project. If your goal is to rank on iTunes, then make that push and promote the hell out of it on release day. I did that for my first album and got the #1 credit that pretty much no one cares about and does nothing for your career. For my second release, I first went through Bandcamp before Distrokid. I got paid quicker and got to see who and where was buying the album. It rocked, was easy and they only took 15% of each sale. You have to link it with Paypal and I’d advise paying the $10 to go with Bandcamp Pro. This will help you keep it from being a streaming release (and you can cancel after your sales die off). However, most people would rather click the ‘Buy’ button on iTunes and Amazon instead of filling out the credit card information on Bandcamp so eventually, you’re going to have to put it up through Distrokid anyways. You have options. Above all else make a list and look at what resources you have in your own community and decide for yourself what direction you’d like best to go. When do I see money from iTunes, Amazon, etc?

If you are on a label or doing it solo it takes 3-4 months to get your sales information back (unless you exclusively go through Bandcamp). Distrokid keeps track and will help you get paid. Do you work for Distrokid?

No. It was just so easy and convenient to use especially for standup that for the price and speed of service, I was pretty grateful they were an option.

Is this post just a way to promote your own shit?

Nope. This isn’t one of those dumb marketing things. Its just information for you to use or not. No twitter handles or links here.Most likely I’ll go back and edit this as more people either correct me or provide extra information that’s helpful to comics.

I hope this helps.

Jay Whitecotton is a stand Up comedian from San Antonio, TX now living in Austin. He’s written columns for magazines without any journalistic credibility – toured professionally as a guitarist, despite no lessons – and sold a script that was never made into a movie… – He likes dragons. His album “Hi, Lonesome!” & “Monster Ballads” are available on iTunes, Bandcamp, Amazon and wherever fine albums are found.

#standup comedy albumrelease recording labels record label distribution jaywhitecotton

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the-genius-fanfiction · 6 years

Text

Stormy Weather - First Case in the Field (Part 2)

Right as we were boarding the plane, lightning brightened the dark clouds that had rolled in. Thunder boomed so loudly, the plane shook slightly. “Pilot says we can’t take off until the storm subsides. Luckily, the hotel we booked with had 3 rooms left,” Hotch paused, “Unfortunately, they only had rooms with king sized beds... So we will need to share.” He finished. On the way, we discussed who would be sharing rooms with whom. Aaron decided he would share the room with Rossi and Prentiss said she would share with Morgan. This left the last room to Reid and I.

**Reid’s Point of View**

I think Prentiss did this on purpose. She even looked me in the eye before she said she would share with Derek. I swear that this was going to be torture. Sure, I thought Ivy was attractive, but sharing a room might not be a great idea. I have a lot of self control, but I don’t want to do anything to compromise our friendship or team.

We arrived at the hotel and each went to our respective rooms. “You can have the bathroom first, Reid,” Ivy said with a smile. I nodded nervously and entered the bathroom. I climbed into the shower and washed my hair and body. Trying not to think about the fact that we were going to share a bed. It wasn’t working.

I got out and started to dry my hair and looked in the mirror. “Calm yourself, it’s just one night, and a king sized bed... Plenty of room to stay apart.” I whispered to myself. I put on my white t-shirt and pajama pants and left the bathroom.

She was patiently sitting on the end of the bed, flipping through channels. when she looked over at me. I stopped in my tracks, studying her face and features. She was gorgeous, and I needed to be careful. We were finally beginning to talk without feeling awkward with each other.

She got up and walked towards me. My heart and time stopped. “My turn,” Her voice like the sweetest thing I have ever heard. She glanced up at me as she walked past and ruffled my wet hair even though she could barely reach. Her eyes, green as the leaves of a rose. Her smile brightening the room as she laughed about my wild hair.

The door closed and I heard the shower run. Wondering about if she thought of me the same way.

**Orion’s Point of View**

I ruffled his hair and laughed as I walked past. His face looking surprised at my touch and his jaw hanging a bit. I wanted to stop and wrap my arms around him, but I couldn’t. I knew better. I closed the door behind me and got undressed, let down my hair and set the hair tie and my glasses aside on the counter. I started the shower and looked at myself in the mirror, as I am sure he had not that long before me. “It’s just one night, Ivy. The weather channels say the storm will clear tomorrow.” I said out loud to myself, but quiet enough for my voice to stay in the room.

Although the shower was only 15 minutes long, it felt like forever. Pulling the curtain open and stepping out, I nearly slipped. “Woah!” I shouted. I could hear Reid jump up and knock at the door. “Is everything all right, Orion?” I heard him say through the door. “Yes, everything is fine,” I said and panicked. Hoping he wouldn’t open the door. The last thing I need is for him to see me naked. “I am fine, floor is just a little slippery,” I said to him. I could feel my face turning red again.

I grabbed a towel to dry myself when I realized that I forgot my pajamas. “Crap!” I whispered to myself, “Hey, Reid?” I asked through the door, hoping he was still there. “Yes?” his voice muffled by the wood between us. “Um, c-can you grab my go-bag, I seem to have forgotten my clothes,” I requested with a soft giggle at my own forgetfulness. I could hear him fumble through the hotel room and come back with a gentle knock.

I unlocked the door and put my arm through to get the bag and swiftly pulled it into the bathroom to ensure I wouldn’t be seen. I put on my black tank top and my yoga shorts that I wear to bed. I started rubbing at my scalp with a towel trying to dry my long hair. I stepped out of the bathroom still rubbing my head. I looked into the direction of the bed to see the blurry form of Reid.

He had turned off the TV and it looked like he had a book in his hands and even though I could not make out every detail, I could tell he looked towards me. My heart fluttered a bit as I walked towards the bed. He was on the far side and we attempted to get comfortable. I moved some of the extra pillows between us, in hopes of preventing me from doing something stupid and I could feel him staring at me as I did this.

“Is there something wrong, Orion?” Reid asked. I jumped, not expecting him to notice. “Huh? Oh,,, Uhm... Well... No... I just... Well, I nest,” I tried to create any excuse to be building this barrier. I heard him let out a little laugh. “You... Nest?” he commented through giggles. “Yes... I rearrange comfy things to resemble a nest,” I answered, “stop laughing at me!” I swung a pillow at him playfully. “Ow, hey! I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it!” He said, still laughing. I swung again and he stopped this one, trying to pull it away from me. I didn’t loosen my grip enough when he took it, and I went flying towards him, tackling him onto the bed.

Now on top of him, our faces mere inches apart, my vision still blurry from not wearing my glasses. I could still tell that we were both blushing. “Uhm sorry, I didn’t let go fast enough,” I apologized, frantically trying to push myself up off of him. Once I was sitting up again, I pulled my hair over to one side to rest on my shoulder and looked away, trying to hide my embarrassed face. “It was an accident Orion, don’t worry about it,” he started, “You know, statistically, most people with darker colored eyes tend to have a faster reflex time.” He spouted the fact and although I couldn’t see him, I knew he was pointing to his eyes. “What color are your eyes anyways?” I asked, this time deliberately getting into his face to see him. I ended up so close to his eyes before they came into focus for me, I could see them dilate.

**Reid’s Point of View**

I bit my bottom lip a little. I had to fight the urge to show her how I felt, but I could swear I saw her eyes dilate at the same time I felt mine. I tried to think of facts that would keep my feelings at bay. Her face was in mine still when I told her “Did you know that only 2% of the world’s population has green eyes? Whereas brown is the greatest at 55%,” She finally pulled her face away, I let out a quiet breath of relief.

“What were you reading anyways?” She asked, clearly trying to change the subject. “Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales,” I answered picking my book back up. “Have you read the Miller’s Tale yet?” She asked in a very excited tone. “I’ve read all of them,” I replied, her face lit up as she jumped out of the bed. She ran over to the bathroom and came back with her glasses and jumped into the bed, sliding in next to me as I opened the book. “You enjoy Middle English?”

“Enjoy it? I can’t really get into any other types of literature,” she tipped the book towards her and read a few lines. “This is my favorite part,” she said, pointing to one of the sections:

~~"Why, nay," quod he, "God woot, my sweete leef, I am thyn Absolon, my deerelyng. Of gold," quod he, "I have thee broght a ryng. My mooder yaf it me, so God me save; Ful fyn it is, and therto wel ygrave. This wol I yeve thee, if thou me kisse." This Nicholas was risen for to pisse, And thoughte he wolde amenden al the jape; He sholde kisse his ers er that he scape. And up the wyndowe dide he hastily, And out his ers he putteth pryvely Over the buttok, to the haunche-bon; And therwith spak this clerk, this Absolon, "Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art." This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart As greet as it had been a thonder-dent, That with the strook he was almoost yblent; And he was redy with his iren hoot, And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot.~~

I looked at her with a brow raised. Orion gazed up through her lashes, and her glasses slid down her nose a bit. “What? I’m weird and enjoy Middle English potty humor... Okay?” she retorted, a shy smile and a chuckle escaping her lips.

**Orion’s Point of View**

He looked like he wanted to explode into a fit of laughter. It was true though, but why was I telling him this? “You’re judging me, I can feel it,” I said, looking up at him. That was it, he let out the loudest laugh I have ever heard from him, so bad, that he was in tears and hitting the bed. “Shhhh! Stop that Spencer! If the rest of the team hears you banging around like that, they’re going to think we are up to no good!” I said in a hushed tone, laughing with him and grabbing at his hand to prevent it from lifting again.

“We should probably get to bed,” I said to him, taking my glasses off and placing them on the side table and reaching for the light cord. He reached over me to put his book next to my glasses, his smell enveloping me. I unintentionally took a deep breath as he leaned back over and settled into his side of the bed.

“Good night star child,” he said over his shoulder, jokingly using Penelope’s nickname for me. “Good night boy wonder,” I responded, pulling on the cord to turn off the lamp. After a few moments of silence and a lot of rolling around, I heard him whisper, “You did really well on the case today. How did you come to all of those conclusions so quickly?” he asked as he rolled over to face me. “I am always looking for patterns. I was also in a lot of art classes, so pinning down images is another thing I’m good at,” I tucked my arm under the pillow my head was resting on, “It was also a gut feeling.”

“Oh, well that makes sense then. Hopefully next time, though, you won’t walk into such a dangerous situation without protection,” his tone going from impressed to concern. “What protection? I had a vest on, and I stayed behind you and Prentiss, like I was told,” I answered, “Besides, you wouldn’t let anything happen to me... Would you?” I asked propping my head up using another pillow. It was dark, but I could hear him rub his head into the pillow and he answered, “I would never let anything happen to you.”

“Good. Maybe I’ll have to train to have a gun so I can protect you too,” I said with a smile that he could hear. We both giggled and fell asleep.

I woke to a calm steady breath on my shoulder and protective arms wrapped around me. I realized it was Reid. He must have climbed over the pillow barrier in his sleep. Frantic, I checked to make sure I was still wearing clothes, considering that I usually kick them off by morning. I sighed in relief, they were still on, but my shirt had ridden up a bit and his arms were making direct contact with my skin. It felt so nice, but I had to wake him up.

"Reid?" I whispered, tapping his leg. "Reid," dragging out his name this time as I shook his hip. He inhaled deeply and nestled further into my hair and as he exhaled, it managed to hit that one spot on my neck that caused my entire body to shudder. His arms tightened around me, pulling me closer.

"Reid!" I shouted. He jumped awake, immediately withdrawing his arms from my waist. "Oh... Oh my God... Ivy, I am so sorry," he was mortified. "Do you always cuddle whoever you share a bed with?" I asked with a giggle as I put my glasses on. When he came into focus, I could see his face was red with embarrassment.

He ran his fingers through his hair, propping himself up on his elbow. "Don't worry Spence, to be honest, I hadn't slept that well in a long time," I admitted as I sat up on the edge of the bed, looking at him over my shoulder. The sunlight from between the curtains was shining through the window, bouncing off of the mirror on the vanity across the room, highlighting his beautiful brown eyes. He was so gorgeous in this lighting, he could be a magazine model I wanted to caress his face and feel him against me again.

"Don't move," I said to him, he looked at me puzzled, his hand still laced in his hair. I grabbed my phone and took the picture. "The lighting is perfect and this moment makes a beautiful picture... Like... Magazine model perfect," after I told him, I realized what I had said and I tried to laugh it off. He laughed with me and asked to see. I sat on the bed again and leaned towards him with my phone, resting my head on his arm. "Wow... That is nice," he commented. “Told you... Art classes,” I said back with a smile.

I sat back up and went to the bathroom for my morning wake-up routine. When a knock came to our hotel room door. "Guys, storm cleared, we're going home now," Prentiss voice muffled. "Be out in a minute!" I shouted through back. I could hear her giggle as we finished up and got ready to head to the jet.

**On the Plane**

We all filed in and chose seats. I was the last one on and chose to sit in one of the back corners. The plane took off and everyone started settling in or getting snacks or beverages. I opted to get a cup of coffee and I returned to my seat. I was looking out the window and sipping my caffeine fix when Hotch took the seat in front of me.

“You did really well on this case Orion,” he started, “but you weren’t supposed to go into the house. You haven’t been properly trained for that.” I hung my head, wrapping my hands around my mug as I set it on the table, “I’m sorry, sir,” I said fidgeting with my cup, “I’ll stay at the station next time.”

“Actually, I just spoke to the director. You were instrumental in this case and we would like to have you as a full agent,” he said. My jaw dropped a little, I was not expecting this. I tried to speak, but could not find the words. “Don’t worry Orion, you don’t have to make this decision right now. Just let me know what you would like to do and we will see what we can arrange for you.”

I nodded enthusiastically, still unable to speak. He nodded back and went to another seat. Prentiss then came over and sat with me. “I hate you right now, Prentiss,” I whispered to her under my breath.

“Wha- What did I do?” she scoffed, trying to feign innocence at the situation that she put Reid and I through. She couldn’t even keep a straight face over it. Of course she would be the one to harbor me for those 2 months and because of it, she knew how I felt about him. “Oh no... you know exactly what you did,” I responded in a quiet, but frustrated tone. I took a sip of my coffee, trying to hide my facial expressions, “and don’t you dare try profiling me right now,” I added as I returned my mug to it’s place on the table.

“Don’t act like you didn’t wake up ‘refreshed’,” she said, winking at me. “What the hell do you think we did?!” I said through my teeth. “Listen, all I’m saying is that Reid hasn’t even spoken since we left the hotel,” she paused, looking over at shoulder at him. He was quietly playing chess against himself and didn’t even look up. “If nothing happened, then why don’t you go sit with him?” she suggested. “Why, so that all of you can profile us?” my words almost a hiss, “99% sure you all know already anyways...” I huffed. She let out a quiet laugh at my attitude and I went back to looking out the window.

We safely arrived back at Quantico and headed back to the office to grab what we needed and we had the rest of the day off. Even though almost everyone had left, I stayed behind to file some paperwork and submit reports. Heading out, I heard some shuffling around in the bullpen.

“Reid? What are you still doing here?” I asked the flustered genius as I pull the heavy glass door open. He looked up after finishing the page he was reading (which didn’t take long), a chess board set up next to him. "Just putting together my reports, almost finished up," and he looked over at his chess board and moved a knight. I dragged a chair over and moved one of the pawns as if it was my turn. He looked up with a big smile, "you play?" he asked. "Not well," I giggled, "I learned a bunch of games like this with my grandfather, backgammon is my favorite"

We continued our game, and of course I lost. "Well... That game was... Interesting," I let out a lighthearted laugh, looking up at the clock, "but I should probably go catch a cab before it gets too late." His face looked nervous for a minute, "would you rather have a ride home? Working long enough at this job causes me to not trust cabs and independent contract drivers..." he said, nodding with his words.

"I will take you up on that offer," I felt a smile grow on my face. "Great, let's get going then," he suggested, "where is you're new apartment?" I had to think really hard about it, I hadn't lived in Quantico long enough to remember the location well. "Uh, over on Main? I can't remember the exact house number," I laughed at my own stupidity, "but I do know what the building looks like."

“All right, just let me know when we get there,” he said with an enthusiastic smile as we both got onto the elevator. On the ride, when everything started looking familiar, I pointed to the building. “No way,” he said, his face showing some excitement. “Yes way?” I responded, confused by his enthusiasm. He pulled up to a space and I got out. My confusion increased as he got out of the car and locked it. “What are you doing?” I asked curiously. “Oh, you didn’t know?” he started. “Know what?” He had me genuinely confused now. “I live in this building too!” his exploded with happiness.

This was both amazing and terrifying.

We entered the building and he walked me to my apartment, which happened to be a floor below his. I put the key in the lock and opened my door and went to walk in. Reid stood kind of awkwardly. “Are you okay?” I asked with a little giggle. “Uhm,” he started. He looked down at his feet, his grip tightening and loosening on his bag. “I wanted to let you know,” he paused, kicking at the hallway carpet, “that was the best sleep I’ve had... In a very long time too.”

The expression he had was both shy and honest. I nodded with a smile and playfully nudged his arm, “I’ll see you tomorrow Spence.” He waved, “see you tomorrow Ivy,"and we parted ways.

I closed and locked the door behind me and heard shuffling footsteps go by my door. I knew that they weren’t Spencer’s because he had already gone up the stairs to his apartment. The footsteps briefly stopped in front of my door but continued and faded away. I paid no mind as I went to do my nightly routine.

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