#you can acknowledge the bad parts of them without twisting obvious information. say you’re concerned without assuming you know

[edge-oftheworld]

if your fave says that someone makes them happy btw. the least you can do is believe them. if they say that they feel safe and a bit calmer and they’re getting a chance to heal. you gotta respect that. even if you have your own concerns and reasons not to be happy about it, in the end it’s their well-being and they have a right to live and to tell their own story however they choose. and if you refuse to believe basic evidence that’s right in front of you, you don’t deserve to scrutinise their life or who they have in it.

[raleighcarrera]

finally

ride or die | colt kaneko x mc (ellie wheeler)

but the truth is this / i’ve never seen a mouth that i would kill to kiss / and i’m terrified / but i can’t resist

a coda set somewhere between chapters 7 and 9.

~4.2k words | M (18+)

out of all the girls in los angeles -- out of all the girls in california -- out of all the girls in the world... why did it have to be her?

he’d had crushes before. he’d met plenty of girls that made him feel uncomfortable, not like himself, nervous. 

and yet none of the girls he’d ever hooked up with made him feel quite like she did.

only ellie could craft that particular cocktail of deep irritation and annoyance mixed with an aching, longing desire to fuck that self-righteous tone out of her voice and shake it up until he was simmering. she was the only girl he’d ever met who instantly, without even talking to him all that much, located each of his buttons and figured out how to press them perfectly with little more than a few pointed words. 

so of course she had to be infatuated with the most insufferable person he’d ever met. it didn’t make any sense; a girl like her should have never looked twice at a loser like logan. he had absolutely nothing to offer her. if colt was being honest with himself, it made him sick. she was wasting her time with an idiot kid who didn’t know how to handle her, and logan was completely ignoring her potential. he didn’t understand what she was capable of... but colt did.

and the thought of what she could do for the crew? what she could do with him, if they put their heads together... admittedly turned him on a little bit.

okay, a lot.

but he saw the way she looked at him. ellie didn’t seem to notice or care that logan hardly knew what she was worth -- she was obsessed with him nonetheless, sleeping in his fucking bed every night, making eyes at him from across the garage every day, taking his side in every argument, even though he was a moron who never knew what he was talking about.

colt was quick to anger; he was self-aware enough to know that. despite his temper, he also knew how to be patient -- how to bide his time carefully. maybe that was in his blood, passed down from his old man. maybe that was what made him such a good planner, what made any scheme he could come up with have a higher probability of success -- he knew when it was important to act, and when it was important to wait.

it was inevitable that logan would find a way to fuck up. he was out of his league with ellie, and he had to know that. all colt had to do was hold out.

eventually, what he’d been waiting for fell right into his lap. but he’d never wanted it like this. 

his blood boiled as he stormed out of the shop. he felt like he wanted to punch something -- or someone -- but there was no one around, except for his dad, who he’d just left alone in his office. his mind was racing a mile a minute as he tried to process the information he’d been given.

jesus. how could they do that to her? and not even feel badly about it? 

and now he was part of it, too. every minute he didn’t tell her, he was contributing. he was helping them -- helping logan take advantage of her. 

a strange feeling was churning in his stomach, twisting it into knots. colt could feel it eating away at his already frayed nerves, and grit his teeth once he identified what it was. guilt. 

now she had him feeling guilty, too -- for something he didn’t even do! that was just great. that was perfect.

as if he’d conjured her, just by being angry, ellie’s car pulled slowly into the street in front of the shop. he glared at her as she got out and walked over to him. once she was close enough to see his face without the sun in her eyes, her smile dipped.

“colt? everything okay?”

he tried his best to swallow down some of his anger, but the concern in her voice just worsened it -- what was she doing, worrying about him? he hadn’t even been all that nice to her. 

colt stared at her, at war with himself. god, was he angry -- at logan, at his dad, at himself for being in this shitty position. what the fuck was he supposed to do? all he’d ever wanted was for his dad to trust him, to bring him into the operation -- and now he finally had a way to prove his loyalty, and he didn’t fucking want it. 

he was dangerously close to blurting it all out. and once he told her, he couldn’t undo it. 

“i need to get out of here,” he said abruptly, pushing off the brick wall he’d been leaning against. every second he spent with her looking at him like that brought him closer to a place he knew he could never come back from.

“what’s going on?” fuck her. the expression on her face was open and sincere; ellie looked genuinely worried. fuck her for acting like she wanted to understand him. she was going to go back to her life after this -- at the end of the summer, she’d give it all up and go straight, head off to college and put the whole crew in her rear view mirror. they’d become a story to be shared during drinking games -- the craziest thing she’d ever done. her dirty secret.

“it’s nothing.” he turned and headed inside, towards his bike. he needed to clear his head, and he couldn’t think straight with her looking at him like that. 

but she was nothing if not persistent. ellie followed him inside and stood in his way. “where are you going?”

“what’s it to you?” his voice was rough, the words harsh. he needed to get her to leave him alone, but -- all of his usual tricks seemed to be escaping him. 

her brow furrowed. colt looked away when she frowned at him. the expression on her face felt... wrong. “you’re obviously -- upset,” she said carefully, “maybe i could come with you?”

he laughed humorlessly. before he could stop himself, colt said, “you’re the one i need to get away from.”

he pulled his helmet out from under the bike, not looking at her. “me?” she sounded confused. “why? what did i ever do to you?”

“nothing,” he bit out defensively, “just -- move, so i can get out of here.”

she shook her head stubbornly. his eyes settled on her hands, which were planted firmly on her hips. “no, i’m coming with you.”

“no, you’re not.”

“yes, i am.”

“fine.” colt reached for the spare helmet and shoved it at her. “if you think that’s what you want. then be my guest.” 

she was quiet when she slipped on the back of the bike; he hesitated as his hands found the handlebars. just because she was a colossal pain in the ass didn’t mean that he wanted her to fall off on the 405. “hold on, princess.”

her arms looped around his waist and squeezed tight. as he sped out of the garage and headed towards the highway, he tried to remember the last time he had a girl on the back of his bike. girls at school always loved it when he showed up to parties, but he rarely extended the invite to join him to anyone, even chicks he wanted to sleep with. 

of course, ellie was a whole different animal -- not that he was keen on examining that in further detail. 

she didn’t say a word on the whole drive down to malibu, but eventually he felt himself relaxing, his breathing turning peaceful as the tension bled from his shoulders. a ride like this always managed to clear his head, and it seemed like it didn’t matter if his biggest stressor was tagging along with him -- speeding down the road with the breeze from the ocean beside him still worked to lighten his mood like a charm.

still, he found it tough to look at her when they both finally stepped off the bike. the stretch of the beach he’d pulled up to was blessedly deserted, and colt drew in a deep breath as he dropped wordlessly down into the sand, staring out at the ocean. after a minute, ellie came and sat down next to him.

“do you want to talk about it?”

just like that, the guilt was back. he knew he should tell her. it was the right thing to do. “yes,” colt answered honestly, “but i can’t. i’m sorry.”

surprisingly, she actually seemed to understand. logan had probably done that to her -- forced her to learn to accept non-answers and bullshit when she deserved the truth. his jaw tightened. 

“if you change your mind,” she started softly, “you can always tell me anything.” colt forced himself to turn his head and look her in the eyes. again, she seemed annoyingly sincere. “you can trust me.”

“i don’t trust anyone.” 

for some reason, that made her smile. maybe he was getting predictable. “well, you can trust me,” ellie reiterated, “that’s a promise. and i never break a promise.”

this whole thing was so fucked. he had to tell her the truth. if he didn’t tell her, he’d just be hurting her more -- ellie was going to be crushed when she found out. she so obviously thought the sun rose and set with logan. it was going to ruin her life if she ever found out what was weighing so heavily on his mind.

he could feel the words coming up, beyond his control. he was going to blow it.

desperate for a way to stop himself, colt leaned in and kissed her. that was probably just as bad, but -- it worked. everything except for the feeling of her lips on his faded away, and he lost himself in how incredible it was to finally, finally give into the temptation to sink his teeth into her invitingly full bottom lip...

she gasped when he pulled away. the reality of what he’d just done was starting to sink in. this was something he couldn’t ever undo, either.

“i shouldn’t do this.” maybe if he acknowledged it out loud, it’d help him find a way to stop -- or she would realize that he was right, and stop him; colt wished she would scream and push him away and shove him into the sand, but...

she didn’t. she had her hands bunched in his jacket, and she was staring at him with wide, dark eyes.

oh, well. one way or another, his life was already over, anyway.

colt tangled a hand in her hair and pulled her in again. ellie immediately opened up for him, groaning and parting her lips for his tongue. colt held her tightly as she fell against him and kissed her hungrily, his mouth searching and insistent, his intent to completely devour her perfectly obvious. his free hand slid down her side and mapped the curve of her body, committing it to memory. 

any moment now, she was going to do what he wanted and shove him off of her, so he was greedy in taking his fill, knowing he’d need the memories to stop himself from doing something insane when he saw logan next. remembering this, later tonight, was the only way he was going to be able to get some sleep.

otherwise, knowing that she was in his bed with no idea that he was using her, like an asshole, would kill him. 

ellie pushed forward, trying to climb into his lap. he scrambled back on the sand to let her, welcoming her on top of his thighs with a shiver. his mouth broke away from hers to trail frantic kisses along her jaw, dragging his lips across her soft, sun-warm skin. 

carefully, she moved her hands under the hem of his shirt. her palms were warm on the muscles of his stomach and they tensed under her touch as she ran her fingers along the defined lines she found there. he unwillingly let out a shaky sigh. if she didn’t stop --

“god damnit,” he groaned, lifting his head out of the space between her neck and shoulder. he stared at her, breathing hard. ellie looked beautifully debauched, her hair mussed and her cheeks flushed. she was so fucking gorgeous. “fuck.”

his eyes were stuck on her throat as she swallowed. “colt... it’s okay.”

absolutely none of this was okay. in fact, it was misery -- this entire mess was the last thing he’d ever wanted. he shook his head as he reached up and gently pushed her out of his lap, back onto the sand. “it’s not. we’re not doing this.”

her eyes narrowed. sure. she was probably very used to getting her way, especially since logan had to keep her happy one way or another. “why not?”

his heart was racing. he exhaled, running a hand down his face. the anger he’d been doing his best to repress rushed back to him all at once. fuck her for making him resent his dad for involving him in this. fuck her for making him feel this way, for being a weakness. fuck her for looking at him like that, like how she usually looked at logan.

fuck him for wanting her to. 

“look --” he stared out at the ocean. that awful, sick feeling was back again. “there are things you don’t know, okay?” 

colt pushed the envelope in a lot of ways. he took chances most people wouldn’t, he did things even people who broke the law often couldn’t dream of. he was a risk taker by nature. he wasn’t the type of guy who’d hold off on taking something he really, really wanted.

but he wouldn’t do this to her. he was nothing like logan, and he didn’t want to be. because she deserved better.

“and you have a boyfriend. and you’re happy. so we shouldn’t --”

ellie shook her head. “logan’s not my boyfriend.”

he snorted. “you sleep in his bed every night. you don’t need to patronize me.”

his eyes cut back towards her just in time to watch her cheeks flush deeper. “i’m not. he sleeps on the couch.”

wow. logan really was an idiot. “are you serious?”

“if you don’t want to do this, you can just tell me. you don’t need to make up some reason to get me to back off.” her voice was defensive, and she looked almost embarrassed, when he turned his head back in her direction.

it was actually pretty funny, that she could even think for one second that he didn’t want to kiss her until they both ran out of air. 

...but she didn’t take kindly to him actually laughing about it. “colt!”

“sorry.” he smirked at her for the first time all day, feeling a little more like himself as his face pulled into the familiar expression. “but that’s hilarious. of course i want to do this. it’s one of the only things i ever think about.”

his pulse sped up as he watched ellie’s eyes drop deliberately to his lips.

with all the self-restraint he had, he firmly continued, “but we’re not doing it. not while you’re... doing whatever you’re doing with him.”

his eyes traveled over her one last time, taking in the soft, inviting curve of her lips, the way her hair framed her face, how her wide, expressive eyes were staring at him. he was going to be dreaming about this for days. 

“so... what?” ellie asked softly. “you want me to -- break up with him?”

he blinked. she had to be kidding. “huh?”

“you said you won’t while i’m -- i mean, we’re not dating, but what would it take? i’d have to find someplace else to stay?”

one of the most annoying things about her was ellie’s ability to leave him speechless. “jesus.” he was frustratingly tongue-tied. he hated what she did to him. “no. come on -- be honest with yourself. i see the way you look at him. you don’t want this.”

“that’s for me to decide,” she argued. “you don’t get to make that decision for me.”

“got it,” he agreed, nodding, “now it makes sense. you only think you want this because i said no.” he thought back to when she’d stormed over to the shop in the rain, ranting and raving about how she’d finally stood up for herself, how her dad didn’t trust her to make her own decisions. she thought that doing this would give her a taste of independence. of course that was it. 

colt’s lips twitched as ellie’s mouth dropped open indignantly. she was cute when she was pissed off. “that’s not true! how i feel about you has nothing to do with logan.”

he couldn’t think about this now. this wasn’t what he’d come out here to do. he stood up, brushing sand off his jeans. “come on, i need to take you back. the crew will be wondering where you went.”

colt held a hand out to ellie to help her up. she glared at him as she took it, standing with her jaw set in a hard line, determination in her eyes. he barely had a second to wonder what that look was for before she tugged on their clasped hands, pulling him in close.

ellie’s free hand gripped the back of his head and she kissed him again, her mouth scorching and all-consuming. he didn’t stop her, resting his hand on her waist and letting her take the reigns, lazily moving his mouth against hers. out here, they were just two dumb kids, making out on the beach. so far from the city, there was no one to stop them, and he knew it was probably stupid not to take advantage of that. they might never be alone like this again.

“if we have to stop when we get back,” she whispered, pressing her body in along his, “then i don’t want to go back yet.”

damnit. damnit. damnit. what was wrong with him? her words lit something inside him on fire, and just like that, he couldn’t control himself anymore. his lips found hers again and he lifted ellie into his arms, groaning when she locked her legs around his waist. slowly, he lowered her down into the sand.

colt kneeled over her, trying not to be too demanding -- but it was hard. she was stretched out beneath him, looking like a birthday present, and he was only human. out of all the girls in los angeles, in the state, in the world -- he wanted her. 

his hands touched her stomach, her thighs, her face. he tried not to think about the sounds she was making and if she made them when she was with logan, too, his ever-present jealousy rearing its ugly head for the briefest moment before he swallowed it with her next groan. 

if he didn’t stop soon, they were going to get dangerously close to public indecency. 

“hey,” he said roughly, pulling back enough to press their foreheads together, breathing hard. “i don’t want you to do something you’re going to regret.” 

her eyes tracked his face quickly. ellie’s breathing was labored, too. “you seem pretty adamant that i’m making a mistake.”

well. wasn’t she? 

colt stared at her seriously. “you don’t know what you want. i don’t want you to blow it before you figure it out.”

logan would forgive her, though. he wasn’t like colt; he’d forgive her for messing around behind his back and never think about it again. it wouldn’t keep him up at night, like it did to him. 

“your concern is touching.” her voice was dry -- sarcastic, and he probably deserved that. a taste of his own medicine. colt watched her teeth dig into her own swollen bottom lip. she seemed to be lost in thought. “alright,” ellie said finally, “let’s make this last one count.”

all of her limbs wrapped around him and held on tightly. colt kissed her with everything he had, giving in and letting himself go for it. there was no holding back. he let the part of himself that had been wanting to do this since the sideshow take over and kissed her hard, determined to give her something she wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about. after today, if she had to go back to logan’s bed, he wanted it to be with thoughts of him. he needed her to not be able to forget this. 

eventually, she moaned for air, and he forced himself to let her go. ellie’s head tipped back against the sand and he watched her suck in a few deep breaths, sliding his hands reverently down her sides one last time. 

okay. he could do this. all he had to do was get up. 

her legs squeezed around his waist. damnit.

colt’s lips kissed a trail down her neck, down into the open front of her shirt. if only they were somewhere private, then she’d see what he was really capable of. he’d fantasized about a number of things he wanted to do to her, but the position they were in now was really doing it for him -- the thought of holding her down and giving it to her slow was making his whole body tingle. 

ellie wove her fingers into the hair at the back of his head and lifted his face out of her shirt. she was smiling. “it’s getting late.”

he sighed. “yeah.” they’d have to get back to reality sooner or later. he pushed up onto his hands and pressed one last, lingering kiss to her lips. ellie cupped the back of his neck in her hand, and then rolled out from underneath him, pushing to stand.

she was covered in sand. he bit back a smirk as she brushed it from her thighs and tried to shake out the legs of her shorts. 

“you know, maybe next time i’ll take you to my favorite spot,” he remarked, as they walked slowly back towards his bike. colt pointedly didn’t think about the way they were both dragging their feet, trying to prolong the inevitable.

“yeah? where’s that?”

“my old man used to take me to this cliff out here, overlooking the water. i’d jump off all the time as a kid, but -- i haven’t done it in years.” he handed her the spare helmet, more gently this time. ellie ducked her head and smiled down at it, like he’d just given her a gift. 

“cliff jumping,” she remarked, laughing under her breath. “very on brand.”

his eyes traveled up and down the length of her body. out here, he could really let himself look. for some reason, she wanted him to. “hey, what’s life without a little danger?”

she nestled up neatly behind him as he tore away from the pier. in another life, he might’ve made a day out of their trip -- taken her onto the boardwalk and let her play carnival games, bought her an ice cream, kissed her at the top of the ferris wheel. 

but the cards they’d been dealt were different. and he had to make do with what he had. 

he pulled over when they were a block from the garage, lifting his helmet so she could hear him. “go ahead. say you went for a walk.”

ellie looked unsure, but he held firm. after a beat, she got off the bike and put the spare helmet away. he watched her expectantly, waiting for her to start walking away. 

“thank you,” she said softly, “for today. i feel like i know you a little better now.”

yeah. that was what he’d been afraid of. that sick feeling of guilt rushed him again, and he grimaced, looking away. “don’t get used to it.”

ellie laughed, reaching out to pull his helmet back down. she slid the face shield over his eyes, then leaned in and pressed her lips to the glass. “i’ll see you later?”

sure. why not? that’d be the cherry on top of this fucking disaster of a day, if he got to hang out at the shop tonight and watch her play grab-ass with her boyfriend. 

he needed a plan. he had to figure something else out. they couldn’t do this forever.

but in the meantime... he knew there was no way he’d be able to stay away. “yeah.”

he watched her walk off into the sunset. she turned the corner and disappeared, heading towards the shop. he still felt unbearably hot under the collar, warm from the phantom press of her lips. 

colt knew he couldn’t outrun the way he felt forever, but even just an afternoon of peace would be welcome. he kicked off from the curb, heading back towards the highway. 

he’d have to clear his head all over again.

[thedistantstorm]

A Shipwright Worth Her Salt Chapter 12

In which: Sloane is a woman on a mission, Zavala is beside himself, and Amanda comes clean. (ft. Enoch Bast and Marcus Ren)

(References to suicide and self-harm. If those topics bother you, please proceed with caution or click away from this post.)

-/

“Listen to me, and listen carefully,” Sloane is saying, her eyes dark and hard, her arm wrapped around his neck in a rather constricting headlock. She would not actually harm him, but she would definitely stand there with him in that position until he begged her to end his suffering. “You are going to tell me everything you know. Now.”

Marcus holds up both hands in an apologetic way, casting a glance at Enoch, who looks incredibly guilty. Sloane had just threatened to deploy him to Mars for the next two centuries if he didn’t lead her to Marcus. He had no choice but to force his Hunter friend to fold.

“She paid me to pick her up. I’ve worked with her before. She’s paid me for birds, done work on some of mine. Didi and I like her well enough but it’s not like we’re super close.”Sloane released him and he worked out the tightness in his neck as he returned to his usual height.

“Well, it’s in the Vanguard’s best interests that we return her to the Tower. Perhaps you should have checked before you picked her up from our exclusive hospital? What if she had been a suspect to a crime?”

“Flygirl is only dangerous if she’s racing you. There’s not a malicious bone in her body.”

“‘Flygirl,’” Sloane quotes, testing out the nickname, “Is recovering from a serious injury. Or did you miss it-”

“Nope, didn’t miss it.” He motions to his right leg with a slashing motion. “Kind of obvious.”

“You have a way to get in touch with her? Or any idea where she is?”

He sighed. “She’ll never work with me again, if I contact her for you.”

Sloane shook her head. “I’m sure she’ll forgive you. I, however, will not. The Commander is rather serious about her safe return.”

“The Commander?” Enoch looks at Marcus, surprise on his face. “Like Commander Zavala, the Commander? Dude, what did you get us caught up into?”

“Dude, yourself, Bast.” Marcus rolls his eyes. “I asked her why she had his radio and she didn’t tell me. It’s not about the radio, is it?”

“The radio?” Sloane pauses. She turns her palm up and her Ghost immediately appears. “Contact the Commander. Ask him about the radio.” A shiver, one flash into light, and some sparks later, her Ghost reappears.

“His Ghost thinks we might be able to hack it remotely. Will send you coordinates.”

Sloane nods, and regards the unlikely duo. “If they can hack this radio, you’ll both be lucky.”

“She said she wasn’t in trouble,” Marcus says defensively. “I just gave her a rover. Nothing crazy.”

The female Titan nods, and picks up a mostly broken data-pad on his workbench. “She’s not really in trouble. I think.”

“You think.” The male Titan looks perplexed.

Sloane sighs. It’s obvious this isn’t her usual cup of tea. “It’s a difficult situation. Need to know information, Bast.” The lightest warg of sound from her Ghost comes with an updated target in her HUD. Target is South by Southeast. “Looks like cyber team was successful.”

As Sloane turns to leave, Didi chimes, “You know, you could come around once and a while for fun! I know you like a good Sparrow as much as the rest of us!” The Deputy Commander raises a fist in acknowledgement as she leaves, and Didi scoffs. “She’s always got her knickers in a bunch. Thank goodness I’ve got you as my Guardian, Marcus. I think I’d die of boredom as her partner.”

Both male Guardians laugh, before looking at each other. They’d dodged a bullet there. Things were never dull around this damn City. It made patrols a welcome break, once in a while.

-/

Sloane does not make a sound as she enters the building. She follows her Ghost’s intel via their neural link. Third story, last room on the right. The rover was parked a block over, and there’s the obvious scratch marks from crutches on the floor in front of the door. She knocks tentatively. She knows this whole thing needs to be handled with caution - which is why she’s the one doing it, not the Commander. Even if he means well. He’s an absolute wreck. This requires a lighter touch.

There’s a thump, and the clink of crutches, before the door opens a crack. The girl gasps, and Sloane bites her lip. She doesn’t look well - like she hasn’t slept since she left the Tower. There’s a haunted look in her eyes and they are very bloodshot.

“Can I come in?”

Her left hand twitches on the crutch she’s holding onto. She tries to peer around the larger woman. “Who’s with you?” Her throat sounds incredibly scratchy, like she has a cold.

“My Ghost. No one else.”

“Does Zavala know you’re here?”

She shrugs. “At this second, no. He has me looking for you, so I’ll have to report back to him at some point. Can I come in?”

Amanda shrugs, saying hoarsely, “You’ll let yourself in if I don’t, right?”

Sloane sighs and replies, “No, but I’ll probably end up standing here until Zavala does.”

“C’mon then.” She undoes the chain and pushes the door open.

The room is small, obviously meant for only one inhabitant. Sloane makes sure to move away from the doorway instead of backing up to it like she’d prefer. Amanda limps back to the half made bed, and flops onto the side of it. She’s bundled up in clothes like she’s feverish. She’s obviously not taking good care of herself.

“I’m sure you know why I’m here.”

Amanda nods, not looking at her. “To take me back. But I can’t.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to mess anything up for the rest of them.”

“You won’t.”

“They’re all fighting bout me.”

“They fight no matter what.” Sloane doesn’t buy it. Truly. They fight over literally anything, without anyone’s help.

“The Speaker‘s concerned about me being there ‘fecting Zavala’s sense of duty,” Amanda finally admits, after several minutes of silence. The wheeze in her voice is mildly distressing. “Heard Cayde and Andal talking about it.”

“Idiots,” Sloane rolls her shoulders back, kneeling in front of the teen on the edge of the bed so that they are at eye level with each other. “Look. The Speaker is concerned because Zavala chose you. You’re a brat, if you ask me. But you’re his brat. Zavala is beside himself right now, worried about you. Fuck the Speaker. There were plenty before him, and there’ll be plenty after him. You don’t need his personal approval. Kapeesh?”

The girl looks at her with big green eyes. “That’s what you think?”

Sloane puffs her chest, levels Amanda with a serious gaze. “That’s what I know.”

The ensuing staring contest is severe, despite the younger blinking several times. “I trust you,” Amanda says with a rasp. “Titans don’t lie.”

“To a fault,” She agrees. “I piss a lot of people off that way.”

She nods. “They just can’t handle the truth.” She winces and reaches for her stump, rubbing it gingerly.

“You okay to ride back with me to the Tower? I’m gonna get pinged any second now, and you should really get checked out.” She blows a puff of air into her bangs as she stands. “If we go before he contacts me, I don’t necessarily have to tell him. Means he might not be waiting at the gates and you can talk in private without the whole tower knowing your business?”

Amanda nods gratefully. “Please Just need a second for the cramp to pass,” She grits, rubbing it harder. A little later, she’s shoving Sloane outside so she can change into the only remaining clean clothes she has.

The Guardian lifts her gently when they go downstairs. She flushes in embarrassment. “Sorry I’m so useless,” She murmurs, before Sloane sets her down at the bottom.

“You’re not useless. Stop beating yourself up. It’s stupid.”

“Yeah. Thanks,” Amanda says with a wince when she bumps her bad leg with one of the crutches. “Says the Titan with two legs.”

“You still have two, one is just shorter than the other.” Sloane isn’t feeling the self-pity. “You lived. Plenty of Guardians wouldn’t. They’d chicken out and let their Ghosts take away the pain. You don’t get that luxury. It makes you tougher than the rest of us. Takes balls to keep on keeping on. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

She helps Amanda onto the Sparrow first, before hopping on in front of the girl, who wraps lanky arms around her waist and leans into the back of her chest armor. She should have a helmet, the Titan thinks. Sloane removes the piece that transmats onto her head automatically, twisting back to face the girl. “Here.”

Amanda looks at her. “It’s okay.”

“Put it on.” The Titan’s tone brokers no argument, and Amanda caves. The helmet is a little bit too big, but it does the trick and smells like citrus shampoo. She leans back against the Titan, who starts the bird and lets it squeal before they jet away. Once she gets to cruising speed, Sloane takes one hand off the handlebars and squeezes it over Amanda's interlocked ones.

It’s with this action that Amanda decides she likes Sloane well enough. She’s passionate and serious and doesn’t take any shit. And, she's not terrible at driving like Andal is, or a speed demon like Cayde who has no finesse. She really needs details on how Zavala is on one of these things.

They take the long way up the Tower. Sloane walks with her quietly, not upset that the girl’s pace gets slower as they get closer to their destination. “You feeling okay?”

She nods, stifling a cough. “I’m alright.”

They continue down the hallway until they reach an area that requires a code. Sloane enters her own, and the doors whoosh open in a rush of air. “I’m going to take you to the Commander’s office first. He can choose what to do with you. Unless you think you need to be checked out immediately.”

Her tongue peeks out from her lips as she thinks. “Nah,” She decides. “I should probably get the hard part over with, huh?”

“I don’t think it will be as hard as you think,” Sloane says sincerely. “But I do want to tell you something.”

Amanda stops, and looks over at the Deputy Commander keeping to her left. “Yeah?”

“If,” She sighs. She can rally troops, but pep talks on these sorts of things aren’t really her forte. “If you feel like you’re going to do this again, or… whatever, just talk to someone. If I’m free, I’m all ears. Don’t run. You’re not a coward.”

She nods. “I’ll try.”

“Good girl.” Sloane pats her back once, then clears her throat. “The Commander’s office is the next door on the right. Ready?”

The blonde shakes her head. “Not really, but I guess I gotta do this.”

The Titan can tell. “I’ll get the door.”

Sloane knocks once, and hears the gruff affirmation that they may enter. Amanda looks up at her and nods. Sloane nods back and opens the door.

“Sloane. I didn’t think-”

Amanda crutches with Sloane into the large office. She’s trembling again, but she’s not looking back or shrinking away. She’s made of tougher stuff, the Deputy Commander thinks fondly enough, realizing that she’s falling for the girl, the same as the rest of them.

“I’ll take it from here,” Amanda says with a quiet rasp to the woman beside her. “If that’s okay with you?”

The Deputy Commander nods. “I’ll leave you to it. Remember what I said.”

“Will do.”

Sloane regards her superior with a cool nod. His eyes are on the girl, shock, relief, grief evident. “Commander.” It’s like he doesn’t see her, and that’s fine. She has a feeling this one’s going to be too touchy-feely for her, anyways, and lets herself out without waiting for a response.

“Where have you been?” He asks, when they’re alone. His voice is shaking.

Amanda’s eyes water. “A boarding house in the South-Central ward,” She says quietly, sure to keep her eyes up. Once they drop to the floor, she isn’t sure she’ll be able to raise them back up to face him again.

“Why?”

She looks at him. His eyes are unbearably bright, more than usual, and she realizes that there’s a reason for it. There’s tears in his eyes. She’s the reason for them. ‘You’re a brat,’ Sloane’s words echo in her head. ‘But you’re his brat.’ The confirmation makes something twist in her belly.

“I didn’t wanna mess anything up, for you or anybody else,” She admits. “But by tryin’ not to I just made everythin’ worse, didn’t I?” Her voice gets squeaky and pinched toward the when her throat constricts and she fights the urge to cry.

“Foolish child.” He shakes his head, and his eyes are less glossy when he does. “Come here.”

She treks over to him, and he guides her to the couch tucked off in the corner. It’s got a cozy crochet blanket on it that’s orange and blue, and she sighs as she’s able to take a load off her sore arms and leg. Her other leg is aching dully, but it’s been the constant and she ignores it. He sits down beside her, his body turned to face her.

“You look horrible,” She quips, looking at him up close. “You’re not sleeping.”

He shakes his head, murmuring something like, “Unbelievable,” before he says, “Neither are you. And you've fallen ill.” She doesn’t deny it. He tucks a stray lock behind her ear and looks down at her.

“Are you mad at me?” She asks quietly, looking away.

The Commander sighs. “No, Amanda. I am not angry. I am afraid.”

She cocks her head at him. “You? Of what?”

“That you will do this again and I will not be able to find you. That something will happen to you. That I am not making you feel safe enough.”

She reaches for one of his hands. “No. It’s not your fault. I’m stupid. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to cause more trouble. I just thought if I got outta’ dodge it would make things easier.”

“I thought you truly didn’t want to stay here.”

“I want it more than anything,” She shyly admits. “But I’m not a Guardian. I don’t deserve-”

“You deserve more than I can give you,” He says fiercely. “You deserved to have my protection against those scoundrels-” He closes his eyes and closes his other hand over hers, so that both of his shelter her littler one. This isn’t the time for that. Her gaze is heavy on him. “You deserve to be protected and cherished.” He sighs. “Allow me to do so. Please.”

She swallows. “But, I’m all messed up,” She says in a whimper. “I can’t handle-”

“We will get through it,” He promises. “Together.”

She nods, and curls up against the back of the couch, pulling her good leg up and her cheek to her knee. She sits silently for a long while, processing something. Then, “Can I tell you something?” She worries her lip. “It’s... something I did. Somethin’ bad.”

His heart beats in a frantic staccato in his chest, but he nods. “Anything.”

She nods, tilting her head to stare straight ahead. “I, uh, tried-” She takes a deep breath, clears her scratchy throat. She pulls her hand out of his and unwinds the familiar red scarf around her neck, handing it to him. The line is purple-red, the intentions behind it clear.

“How?” His voice quivers again, and he keeps his eyes trained on her face and not on the mottled bruising that rises above and below the laceration line. Her eyes are bloodshot for more reasons than lack of sleep, and it’s like someone’s dropped the floor from underneath him.

“Shower,” She works up the nerve to explain. “The rod was rusty and broke. I think I lost consciousness. I kinda... woke up on the floor.”

He pulls her to him, and it isn’t until she feels twin saltwater drops on her cheeks that she realizes that he is crying. That’s not accurate though, because she can feel the sobs like small earthquakes in his chest, shuddering through her tiny frame.

“Don’t cry,” She tells him, swiping at his cheeks with cold fingertips. “It’s okay, I’m fine. ’m here. Throat doesn’t even hurt ‘nymore.” That’s a lie, told to try to make him feel better. “I realized I was an idiot,” She continues. “Y’all went through all that trouble to save me, and here I was throwing away all your effort. I won’t do it again.”

He only cries harder at that, and she looks up at him, his eyes are scrunched so tightly closed she wasn’t sure he’d be able to open them again. He does though, making no effort to quell his tears or wipe them away. “Look at me, Amanda.”

She does, his tone rendering it impossible not to comply, though it is incomparable to the depths of his luminescent eyes brimming with tears.

“My sweet, precious child,” He swallows hard, trying to find the right words, trying not to shout or frighten her with the force of his emotions. “I do not care about the effort it took to extract you from that wretched garage. I care about you.” His nose is nearly touching her own, he’s so close to her, but he maintains eye contact. He has to tell her. She has to know. “I love you. Your life is so unbelievably precious. Please believe me. I beg of you.”

“You-” She pauses, stunned. “You love me?”

He nods, and his chin quivers from the effort not to crumple into sobs again. “So very much,” He whispers, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

His tenderness is her undoing.

Strong arms wrap around her as she sobs pitifully, air coming out in gasps between hiccups and coughs - it sounds wretched. The Commander does not hide his own emotions, they’ve surpassed that point now.. His own grief is more easily manageable thanks to his age and experience, but he will not deny his heartbreak. Eventually her sobs die down, and become soft, little rasps. Her hands come to the front of her throat, where the bruising is the worst, and the laceration is the deepest. He shudders.

“What do you need?” He asks her quietly.

She shakes her head. “This,” she answers, dropping her hands and holding onto him tighter. Her throat is really starting to hurt, but she isn’t willing to move right now.

“I’m proud of you,” He tells her, when her grasp eases around his middle. She blinks up at him in confusion. “For telling me,” He elaborates. She looks away. “No, look at me, please,” He says quieter. “I know this is difficult. We... need to talk about these things. We need to continue to do so. And why you feel this way. It’s important. You’re important.”

She nods, and looks down. He puts a hand on her head, and it makes her straighten. “You did this once,” She says quietly, putting both hands atop his on her head. She closes her eyes. “Before. You probably don’t remember-”

“I do,” He intones warmly. “Shaxx had called me away. I believe you were trying to convince me to let you fix my sparrow?”

“It was the first time someone touched me that wasn’t scary since my Ma ‘n Pa,” She whispers to him, her scrunched shut in memory. “I was so scared and alone, in the City,” She said. It seemed to apply both then and now. “But you always made me feel safe. I knew I-” She shakes her head and opens her eyes, casting a glance up at him. “I didn’t wanna scare ya off, some little girl all clingy-like,” She coughs. “But I do,” She says with a nod, refocusing on his face. “I love you, too. So ya know. I’m sorry.”

“I am, too.” She relaxes against his chest and he allows it, smoothing her hair gently for a few moments. He hears the high-pitched rasp in her breathing now that it’s silent and sighs. “You’re going to have to go back to the med-bay for a bit,” He says softly.

She nods into his chest. “I know.”

“I will be limiting some of your interactions,” He says, just as quiet. “You’ll have a guard posted at your door if I am not there.”

“What?” She looks up at him in astonishment. “That’s insane. I don’t need-”

“Amanda.” His eyes are serious. “You’ve just told me something very important, that you did, unsupervised, after being able to run out of the Tower in the middle of the night. I am certain, had Marcus known exactly what you were going to do, he would not have come to get you for all of the glimmer in the system.” She flushed hotly. “You aren’t going to be locked in that room all day and night. You have my word. You will, however, have someone with you at all times. Without exception. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, okay,” She replies meekly, then yawns.

He pulls the blanket down off the back of the couch, and pulls it over her. “You can breathe alright?” He designs to confirm, to which she takes a deep breath in and out before nodding into him again. He hears the raspy wheeze again and tries not to think about why for a few heartbeats. “We can wait a few moments. I’ll handle some things before I take you over.”

He re-positions so that her head is on his thigh, and she’s curled up on two-thirds of the couch. He puts his palm on her head, and she relaxes immediately. She’s asleep less than a minute later.

Aashimah flashes into corporeal existence silently, her eye flickering in an emotional way. “Oh Guardian,” She says to him, “We’ll get her through this.” She flutters to his cheek and nuzzles him in her way. He leans into it, a rarity. “You did really well with her. I can’t imagine-” She floats over the girl, her neck still visible. “This kid,” She twitches. “We’ve got our work cut out for us. She’s worth it.”

He pulls the crochet blanket up to her chin. “Definitely.” He changes tracks. “Send for Ikora. Tell her to be discreet.”

“On it,” She bobs in midair and disappears in motes of light. He scrubs a hand over his face, erasing any evidence of his previous breakdown. No going back on this, old man, he thought to himself. And despite feeling unbelievably out of his depth, and knowing how hard this was going to be, he knew he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

[gwyvian]

Resistances and Dalliances

Chapter 1: Stormy Skies

“You did what?” Evfra demanded, leaning fists onto his table as he loomed over it towards Ryder. Aya’s peaceful, bright sky seemed entirely out of place behind that dark expression, just a hair’s breath away from throttling her, she was sure. He had sent everyone out reluctantly at her request, but seeing his face she wasn’t sure if it had been prudent after all. Private matter or no, she wanted witnesses around her suddenly with him in that mood.

Ryder let out a slow breath, determined not to break eye contact. “I found evidence about your family,” she repeated.

“Is it your usual form to look where your eyes are not wanted?” he asked coldly. “Or is this your idea of diplomacy, finding any loose thread you can to gain my trust, even though I made it clear I do not want you in my business?” His desk actually creaked from the pressure he was placing on it and she was sure that had she been another angara, he would not have held himself back as much as he did. Was that ‘cultural sensitivity’ or disdain on his part?

Ryder knew she should have resisted the temptation to follow up on Evfra’s family and this reaction was exactly how she pictured this conversation before mustering the courage to walk through the Resistance base doors not ten minutes ago; but the man’s every word was a grating, burning challenge that she couldn’t let go of and before she realized it, she had stumbled head first into an investigation that could cost her and the Initiative everything. The problem was, the moment he shut her down when she inquired about his past, it nested in the back of her mind like a splinter, a puzzle that made her itch inside. That wasn’t all, of course; he himself began to fascinate her in ways she found quite distracting.

Pull yourself together! Ryder chided herself, desperately trying to suppress the embarrassed blush creeping up her neck. “I did not go out of my way,” she replied somewhat stiffly. “But I thought that since I did find something, you should know about it. You have a right to know about it.”

Curse the intoxicating glow that blossomed in her chest the first time he had approved of her actions; she blamed that feeling for this hot mess she was in now, unable to let things lie where he was concerned. Somehow that unexpected, grudging compliment made her keenly aware of how little she knew about him beyond what was obvious to the eye. Or nose, she thought, nostrils flaring slightly to catch his curious scent. The best she could do to describe it would have been a moonlit night over a blanket of snow: clean and fresh, but with a flowery twist that… Ryder groaned softly, feeling a fool for standing around admiring the block of ice that was Evfra when her news was so grim. The number of ways it was inappropriate was mortifying.

“I do not trust your motivations, human,” Evfra pushed himself away from the desk and turned away from her, arms tight across his chest. “I told you I’m not going to share my life’s history with you. You should have accepted that and left this alone. I buried their memories a long time ago and I have no wish to revisit events that happened ten years ago to satisfy your curiosity’s whims.”

“I can’t believe that,” Ryder retorted, crossing her own arms in frustration. The man was nothing if not difficult. Maybe she was becoming too accustomed to angaran openness, but it was especially irritating how little the Resistance leader divulged about himself, the one walnut that just wouldn’t crack no matter how she positioned it. You’re just avoiding admitting that he is right about you, she thought, not liking the burn of shame his words caused at all. But she was also right, no matter if her motivations had been driven by an irreverent curiosity. “Family is everything to your people and I might have just found hope for you. Isn’t that worth something?”

“Did you learn that about us from a datapad conveniently left on Paaran Shie’s desk?” Evfra asked, glancing over a shoulder, nebulous gray eyes bleak with a void that seemed somehow more infinite each time she looked into them.

Ryder breathed out slowly again, trying to ignore the sting of that comment. “I know I am an outsider,” she began, but Evfra cut her off before she could finish her sentence.

“I’m not interested in your excuses. If that is all you came to tell me, then leave. We are finished.”

“Can’t you just hear me out?” Ryder shouted at him and to her surprise, Evfra cocked his head and seemed to reassess her with what seemed like an unconscious curiosity. He turned back around fully, leaned back on one heel and waited. It wasn’t all she hoped for, but at least he wasn’t objecting anymore or trying to send her away. “I might have something, it may be nothing, but you don’t lose anything if you just listen to what I found,” she went on, moderating her tone as much as she could. “I was tracking a group of kett on Voeld and I came across ruins…” She faltered, words dying on her lips as her empathy demanded respectful silence. The ruins of his home, she had been about to say.

Open with emotions or no, Ryder definitely did not want to get on Evfa’s bad side, especially considering how unwelcoming his good side was, but it had always been compassion that drove her to share what she found with him; she did not want to rub salt in his wounds, no matter how he pretended he didn’t feel it. Besides, she had to tread lightly here even had it not been about him personally. She was sure the Initiative would be in jeopardy without Resistance support and angering Evfra by meddling in his or any angaran’s pain was a dangerous gamble at best; but more than that, she wanted just one acknowledging, admiring word out of him – just one. If she could do something for him, something significant to earn his trust, his respect…

Evfra did not seem at all phased by Ryder’s stumble into such a sensitive subject, unless a slight narrowing of his eyes counted. “I’ve been to that ruin more times than you have seen anything at all in Andromeda,” he said finally, obviously impatient with her to spit out the crux of her information. “I have seen every broken beam and scar on the rocks before Voeld reclaimed most of it. There is nothing there.”

“I found a trail and followed it,” Ryder said, numbed by his callous attitude; she was still just as driven to help him whether he liked it or not, but she found that her sympathy was inexorably drowning in a growing river of exasperation.

“A trail cold by ten years,” Evfra scoffed, unimpressed.

Ryder shook her head. “This was new. The kett returned for some reason. That’s why I followed it in the first place, there was nothing there for them to find anymore,” she paused again, uncomfortable in skirting around such a personal tragedy. “It led me to a base. After I killed the kett I searched around to figure out why they were interested in the place. They kept records there, some of it valuable intel that I already forwarded to the Resistance, but… some of it was quite old information. I found your family. They were taken to a camp, but as far as I can tell they were never slated to be exalted.”

“I have yet to see the ray of hope in any of this… or the sense,” Evfra interrupted, frowning in a way that said his patience with her story was skating on thin ice.

“They realized who they were, Evfra. That they were your family members, so they kept them apart from the other angara they captured. There were notes added to those entries.”

Evfra sighed, visibly irritated now. “Human, you may know your way around a weapon but your sense of tactics leaves something to be desired. If they held my family for ransom, they would have used that leverage long ago. And they know that any member of the Resistance would rather die than fall into their hands, and that extends to family as far as they are concerned. I would have gladly died to save them, but the Resistance is my family now; I will not let all the sacrifices of every angara who gave their lives for this cause to crumble for a mere rumor so obviously designed to draw me out.”

Ryder chewed her lip, her frustration beginning to influence her mind towards shouting again; it seemed to be the only form of communication that actually helped this conversation along. “Evfra, I know it’s a long shot. You’re probably right, they may all be long gone. But if there’s even a chance that they are still alive… you have to try to save them.”

“It still sounds like a trap to me, not hope,” Evfra replied, finally unwinding his arms.

“Evfra,” Ryder said as sternly as she could, pouring as much emotion behind it as she could. Again, it seemed that Evfra sensed it and responded: he waited. “I will go with you if that’s what it takes, but either way I cannot let a chance to save them pass me by. If you think it’s too risky to drag your ass personally out from behind your desk, so be it, but I am going after this lead.”

“Why do persist in this? They’re not your family,” he demanded, the fringes of anger coloring his voice, eyes like a blizzard that could have rivalled his homeworld for its stormy intensity.

“Do I need a better reason than liberating angara from the kett?”

Evfra made a noise of disgust, but his shoulders relaxed ever so slightly. Huff as he would, Ryder saw in that dusty infinity that was his gaze that he was convinced. “Very well,” he said finally, grimacing. “I will accompany you to Voeld. Only you, it is bad enough that you pried against my wishes, I refuse to involve anyone else.”

“But my team—”

“No,” he repeated.

“Very well,” Ryder acceded. It was good enough for now that she won her point, best not to push her luck, though at that moment she was tempted to slap him. She smiled for the first time since arriving. “This will be an interesting journey.”

“If you call dragging up my past interesting,” Evfra shrugged, his disapproval written in every line of his face.

Ryder cringed inside. “Oh, shut up, Evfra. Meet me in an hour on the Tempest,” and without letting him get a word in edgeways, she stormed out of the Resistance headquarters, ignoring the curious, baffled and intrigued looks she gathered in her wake.