August (I)
Hm, so I don’t know yet if I’ll do my average 1.5k - 3k worded chapters or I’ll do monstrous chapter of at 50k or more for each part of this story because it takes course over roughly a year and I plan to be really detailed about it because it all counts.
I also feel like this is different than how I usually write, it feels super easy and good for me but I have no idea yet :D
Oh geez, SUPER OUT OF ORDER (it’s 7th in line) bleh this will all be super confusing but I’m hoping this will help unblock the prequels/spinoffs.
"So," Nora drawled, playing with her pen. "Anything in particular you're planning for your birthday?" Roxanna shook her head, leaning back against her chair, flipping through some cold cases Lana had asked to her to look at.
"Probably... Treating it like any other normal night." Quite frankly, she was a little surprised that Nora and the others even remembered her birthday. They weren't so close that it was mandatory but it was nice she supposed.
"You're turning twenty one! Legal drinking age!" Ashton protested, rolling past them in his chair.
"I'll pop some champagne and get drunk out of my mind then," Roxanna replied dryly. She wasn't going to of course, it was a waste of time and not worth the pain that came afterwards and besides, she had never liked alcohol in the first place.
Being old enough to legally drink it didn't impact her at all. She'd done it illegally before, what difference did it make?
"I'm pretty sure Zane would love to serve you your first legal drink," Ashton coaxed, sliding back to a stop next to Nora. "Plus, fun! Fun times!"
Roxanna bit back a snort. Alcohol was only good for numbing the pain when it got unbearable. She found nothing fun about it. She didn't even know if she had any other alcohol other than tequila, rum or vodka in her house.
Plus, her definition of 'fun times' widely differed from Ashton's. She would most likely be helping Drew clean up messes if she went along.
"What did you do last year?" Delancey wondered and Roxanna shrugged.
"Stayed home, read some books, watched some tv. There's really nothing to celebrate." Nothing she wanted to celebrate anyways.
There was no point. It was the same as any other day, she'd get older, she'd work, wonder how the others were faring and she'd be closer to her end.
Her end.
It seemed like eternity to her but it probably wouldn't be very long for the others.
Roxanna thought quietly, Nora and Ashton bickering in the background.
Maybe she would visit Isla's grave. She wasn't sure if she was welcome to, she hadn't even gone to the funeral and had never even left flowers for her former best friend.
But still, she itched to talk to her, even if it was just a gravestone and Isla had probably been reincarnated already.
Maybe she would visit-
She immediately cut off the thought.
She wasn't welcome at the fey mansion anymore. She wasn't sure she ever had been but she was certain she wouldn't be well received.
They knew she was alive, if they had wanted her back, they would have asked. They never hesitated in asking.
And maybe, it was just the way it was meant to be because she had never fit in, she was never meant to.
"Yoohoo," Ashton called softly, waving a hand in front of her face, a look of concern flashing across his face. Roxanna jerked out of her thoughts, flying back to the present.
She blinked rapidly, shaking her head frantically.
"Yes?"
"You've been reading the same page for five minutes," Nora pointed out and Roxanna hastily flipped the page. "Are you sure you're alright? You've been spacing out a lot recently. Especially after..." After you saw Geraldine and Leah.
Roxanna laughed, making an effort to make sure it didn't sound too careless. She was grateful that Nora worried but being concerned for her wouldn't benefit Nora in any way.
"Thinking, Green. Did they reinterview the wife? Ever?" Nora raised an eyebrow, bending over to take a look at the file.
"No, why?"
"Her airtight alibi is..." As Roxanna rattled off on the flaws she had gleaned, she let her thoughts wander again.
Kastor had been kind to her so far, she was living comfortably, not happily but comfortably. It wasn't home, really, she didn't think of anything of home anymore but it was what she had.
Drew had been accepting, so has the rest of the little group but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was just intruding. She got their jokes, regularly spent time with them and did everything friends did but it didn't feel real. She wasn't part of their circle as hard as much they tried it include her and she, tried to fit in.
She was just a visitor, a passing acquaintance.
Not much could feel real after coming back from the dead she supposed, but for someone who had had a very firm grip on reality and essentially understood things that could be understood thoroughly, the feeling was foreign and even though she adapted easily, it was unsettling.
She hated the feeling of not being in a zone where she had some semblance of control.
"Roxanna," Drew's voice startled her and she whipped around, barely able to stop from lashing out from surprise. "Phone call."
"For... Me?" Not a lot of people called her. Calls were reserved for people outside of the city, everyone knew where to find her and when but she didn't have much people outside of Kastor that would want to speak to her.
"It's Phoenix."
Roxanna started to reach for the phone before she halted, her poker face firmly in place. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do.
She had barely even spoken to Phoenix after the... Incident.
Predictably, he has been mad, no, furious, not only because she hadn't confided in him or their siblings, but because she had told River, someone that hadn't been all that trustworthy for most people back then.
And she couldn't help feel that she damaged River and Phoenix's relationship in some way, asking River to keep such a heavy secret from someone he cared so much about, essentially making River choose between helping her and being true to her brother.
She hasn't damaged their relationship really, that was sugar coating the results, she had nearly destroyed it. Phoenix wasn't hurt easily but she knew River had unintentionally tore a ragged wound in Phoenix's heart.
"If you don't want to talk to him," Drew murmured comfortingly. "I could tell him."
Roxanna shook her head and took the phone from Drew, quickly retreating to the break room. Leaning against the door, she sighed heavily before bringing the phone to her ear.
"Hello?" She winced as her voice cracked, nervousness thrumming through her body, leg jumping and down.
"Roxanna." Phoenix's voice was warm, welcoming but it did nothing to soothe her. She knew he was still hurting, she hadn't even apologized and even though he had never asked, she owed him one along with a explanation.
"Phoenix, how are you?" Her voice was uncharacteristically high, cracking every few words.
Control was nowhere to be found.
"I'm good," Phoenix hummed cheerfully, as if her stuttering and being nervous was normal. "How about you?"
Roxanna let out a shaky breath. "I'm fine. They're treating me very well here."
"Roxanna," Phoenix sounded a little stern. "'Fine' means many things."
"I'm fine, really." She was fine, physically. Mentally was another matter, mentally was always another matter, it was so complicated with no set or certain answer, different for each person and quite frankly, she wasn't sure if she had ever been fine, mentally.
"Roxanna-"
"Is something wrong?" Roxanna redirected. Phoenix didn't just ever call out of the blue for no reason, it wasn't him, he probably had a request or-
"I just wanted to hear you voice," Phoenix admitted quietly. "I miss you."
"Oh..."
"It's not any less lively here, it's just, it feels a little more empty." Phoenix sounded wistful.
"Ah," Roxanna finally managed to bring her voice back to acceptable tone. "I..." Miss you guys too.
The words got stuck in her throat, she didn't know why and her voice was back to the unstable high pitched tone.
"Um... You're welcome here anytime, despite what others say." Roxanna's leg started bouncing again and she let out a nervous laugh without even thinking about it.
"I um, don't think that's particularly true for Leah." Or most of them. Phoenix went silent before he sighed mournfully.
"Leah said you weren't welcome to come back, didn't she?"
"Yes." Among other things.
"Geraldine misses you. You were one of the only ones she trusted fully."
Roxanna recalled Geraldine's pained expression, the thin press of her lips as she turned away without saying a word.
"I don't think..." She trailed off, feeling the urge to cry all of a sudden. "I don't think she does anymore."
"Miss you? Or trust?"
Roxanna bit her lip and felt a tear trace down her face.
"Both," she barely managed to get out, wincing as if someone had punched her in the gut because that was what it truly felt like.
She had been pushing those thoughts to the back of her head for a while, ever since they had seen each other again, trying to distance herself, trying to tell herself that it wasn't true but now, it glaringly obvious that it was.
And it hurt, the pain she'd been staving off shattering her poorly built walls, rushing back in.
"That's not-"
"Phoenix," she interrupted him, her hand trembling and she tried to concentrate on something, something to keep her grounded. "I have to go."
"Roxanna-"
"It was nice t-talking to-" She couldn't finish her sentence, ending the call as fast as she could, pressing the end call button as hard as she could. The phone fell from her loose grip and she slid to the floor, a quiet sob escaping her before she buried her face into her hands. Her head throbbed, her heart was constricting and she couldn't breathe.
"Roxanna?" Nora called from the other side of the door. "You alright in there?"
"I... No," Roxanna gasped out.
"Open up, I could-"
"No," Roxanna quickly cut her off. "Please, I just... I just need... Some..."
"Roxanna," Nora stopped trying to open the door, her voice gentle but commanding. "You're having a panic attack again."
And somewhere where her rationality still existed, Roxanna knew Nora was right but she shredded the rationality and turned to her instincts that would ultimate destroy whatever sensibility she had left.
"N-No I-I'm-" Her tears blurred her vision and she shook her head frantically even if Nora couldn't see. "I-I'm fi-fine!"
"Roxanna-"
"Please," she whimpered. "Please, just leave me alone!"
She clapped her hands over her ears and hunched over, curling into a ball. She didn't want to listen to anyone, she didn't want talk to anyone, she just wanted to-She didn't know what she wanted to do but, but-
Reality stung and maybe she hadn't noticed this before because she was so unfeeling but it was terrible and it made her feel like-She couldn't describe it and perhaps-
She was drowning in her thoughts and voices that had haunted her head recently but had quieted down for a bit returned a tenfold and then it was torture, she couldn't tell what was the difference between reality and hallucinations anymore.
"Roxanna," Drew called, might've called, Roxanna wasn't sure because for a moment she heard Dark and then a slew of accusations from her siblings as she thought the others were trying to talk to her but all she heard was her siblings, her old friends and the other fey.
It was a multitude of voices rising in crescendo, all of them blurring into each other, crashing down on her and Roxanna just wanted everything to be quiet again.
4 notes
·
View notes