#yonghee fic

[slytherinshua]

my cix fics are gonna slay trust

[lemondropchaos]

I’m in need of serotonin so here’s random CIX (maybe just seunghun and bx because i’m tired) headcanons as your best friend/boyfriend i thought of

Byounggon

-BX is a big teddy bear and would always be clinging to you whether it’s having an arm over your shoulder or holding onto the hem of your shirt

-gets pouty when you try to annoy him/tease him but secretly loves it and has no hesitation to return the favor

-well sing off key randomly to make you laugh if he thinks your having a bad day and will do anything to make you smile again

-likes it when you cling to him first. he will get protective big brother mode and won’t let anyone else try to take you away especially if your feeling down or tired

-i could do so many for bx but moving on

Seunghun

-would 1000% sing you lullaby’s or your favorite songs without hesitation hed even go out his way to make a playlist of your music taste for when he’s with you

-Would definitely give you small but noticeable moments of physics affection if he wanted like holding your hand/thigh, kissing you’d anywhere he could (shoulders, neck,cheek,hand,lips etc)

-would goof around and joke to try and make you laugh and smile as much as possible because he loves to see it

-would bring you to karaoke atleast once a week and make sure you let off some steam by screaming songs terribly with him before he made the place his own concert

[complete-in-ix]

Parallel Lines, Intersecting

Rated: T Warning(s):

Description: After mistaking someone else for his dear friend Byounggon one Pride evening, Yonghee makes it his mission to ensure that his new friend's first Pride goes well. As the night goes on, he never would have thought that their friend groups would intersect so deeply—how could he have known that Daehyeon's first love is a classmate of his boyfriend?

(Read on Ao3)

Yonghee checks his phone for the nth time this morning, having already been waiting for half an hour. Where could Byounggon be? His last message was from half an hour ago, just a plain “Blue hair, you can’t miss me”. There’s just one problem…

    “Hyung, when you go to pride, everyone is going to have wild hair colours!” he types into the message bar, though he doesn’t hit send. Byounggon always gets a little nervous around crowds, that homebody. Yonghee had gotten here early anyway, he could afford some patience. He sighs and runs his hair through his freshly dyed purple hair, done with Hyunsuk’s help early in the morning today. Everyone will be so excited to see him, especially Jinyoung! Now, if only they could get here… He scans the crowd again, slower this time.

There, across the street, Yonghee finally spots him. Bright blue hair, plump, pouty lips, and a loose hoodie and sweatpants combo that should be entirely too hot for a Pride parade. Yonghee’s sprinting over before he can really think, too excited to start his day with his friends. 

“Gonie-hyung!”

A little late, the person who is not Lee Byounggon turns around, and he only has time to choke out a startled yelp before Yonghee bowls him over. They go down quickly, and Yonghee can barely move his hands to protect the other man’s head before they’re hitting the ground.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else, are you okay?” Yonghee groans, gingerly untangling himself from this handsome stranger’s body. 

“Yeah, m’just winded… Jeez, you’re strong,” the stranger wheezes. “Didn’t think my first Pride would already get this wild.” The last part is under his breath, meant only for himself, but Yonghee hears it anyway.

“It’s your first Pride?! Oh my god, I’m so sorry, that was—” Yonghee starts to ramble, but the stranger cuts him off before he can finish his apology.

“It’s fine, really! Honestly, this will just make it even more memorable,” he says with a shrug. “I hope you find who you’re looking for. Maybe he deserves to get knocked to the ground?” Yonghee takes a second to scream out his embarrassment into his hands before he can face this stranger again, something he smiles at as Yonghee helps him up. Well, at least someone’s having a decent time.

“He should be here soon, I got here early.” Still unable to meet this stranger’s eyes, Yonghee focuses on brushing himself off. While he does so, he can’t help but notice the other man’s lack of supplies—not even a water bottle. As much as he’d like to vanish off the face of the earth, Yonghee still has to ask. “Are you here with anyone?”

“Uhh, not really. I’m a bit of a loner, so I’m totally lost. I can find my way though,” the man says with a shrug. He seems to be about Yonghee’s age, maybe a little older, but he still worries. He had once been that person, totally lost and unsure of the new people around him, still scared to be rejected even though he was surrounded by kindred spirits. He had been lucky to encounter his friends—and current boyfriend—right around then, and since then had sworn to never let anyone else go through that.

“Are you sure? My friends and I are going to be around all day today, why don’t you stick with us? They won’t mind!” Yonghee gives a reassuring smile when he hesitates, clearly torn on whether or not to accept. “I totally get it if you don’t want to, you don’t have to!”

“Uh, sure, I’ll hang with you guys,” he says after a moment. “Thanks, uhhh…”

“Yonghee. Kim Yonghee. It’s nice to meet you, even if it was uh… Like this.” Yonghee extends a hand to the other man, though he can’t make eye contact in his returning embarrassment.     “It’s totally fine, please don’t worry about it! I'm Jang Daehyeon." Daehyeon shakes Yonghee's hand with a shy smile. "Oh, before I forget, how old are you? I’m twenty-five, I was born in ‘97.” 

“Ah, I still feel bad…" Yonghee mutters under his breath, for his own ears only. "I’m twenty-two, born in 2000, so you’re my hyung. Unless you’d prefer to be called something else?” His heart starts to clench in apprehension. Even in a setting like this, people still tend to get more than a little weird towards him about this question. 

“No, hyung is fine. I haven’t really explored my, uh, gender much, but so far, I’m just a bi man." Daehyeon's shrug is nonchalant, but his gaze is nervous when he makes eye contact with Yonghee again. "I recognize that flag on your cheek, and you called me “hyung”, so…” he trails off, obviously unsure of how to finish that sentence. Yonghee doesn't blame him, he hasn't been on T for long, but still passes so well without it that it would be hard for a stranger to tell which way he's going.     “Yep, I’m a man! I just haven’t been one for as long as you have.” Partly because of their age and partly because Yonghee hadn't figured out the source of that constant off feeling about himself until he was in tenth grade, though he decides against telling Daehyeon that. 

“Still, it doesn't make you any less of one. Was—was that okay to say? I'm really sorry, I get the basics but I'm still new to this, I know I'm out of the loop and it's—” Daehyeon rambles on, completely oblivious to Yonghee's beaming. It's adorable to see, but Yonghee can tell he's actually stressed out, so he takes pity on him. 

"It's okay, hyung, don't worry! I'm actually really happy to hear that, it's really refreshing compared to some of the other things I have to put up with…" His smile drops ever so slightly at the sour memories, but quickly pushes them away. No need to be reminded of that when he's out to be himself with his best friends and have a good time. 

Daehyeon's eyebrows furrow in concern, but before he can say anything, a pair of strong arms wrap around Yonghee's waist and pull him against a broad, toned chest. 

“Making new friends, Yonghee?” 

“Jinyoung!” Yonghee squeals. All his brooding thoughts fly from his brain as soon as he registers the presence of his beloved boyfriend. Overcome with affection, he bumps his head against Jinyoung’s—much like a cat—in lieu of a “proper” greeting. “I did make a friend, he’s hanging out with us today!” There’s a beat of silence that Yonghee hadn’t expected, and he glances back at Daehyeon to see him and Jinyoung staring at each other with similar searching expressions.

“... Did you go to Produce High?” Daehyeon finally asks. The silence finally breaks, but the tension only mounts higher. It’s no secret that Jinyoung was popular in high school, but not all of it was positive. Yonghee hadn’t gone to the same school, so he has no idea what could have been between Daehyeon and Jinyoung.

“Yeah, I did. Do we know each other? I’m Bae Jinyoung.” Jinyoung’s voice sounds casual enough, but Yonghee can feel the way he tenses against him. Still, if Jinyoung doesn't recognize Daehyeon, there can’t be any bad blood between them, right?

“We do! It’s Jang Daehyeon, I was a few grades above you! Wow, I hardly recognize you, you were so shy back then!” Daehyeon exclaims, his face lighting up in recognition.

“Yeah, well, I guess I just learned how to be confident in who I am." Despite his words, Jinyoung still half-hides behind Yonghee, clutching him a little tighter like a teddy bear. "It's nice to see you again, hyung." 

“Likewise.”

Before the silence can get awkward, three voices sound from not far off, rapidly growing closer. 

“Hyung!!! Wait up!!!”

“Yongheeeeeeeee!”

“Guys, wait, I can’t run that fast!”

Yonghee turns around the best he can with Jinyoung still clinging to him to see the rest of their friend group sprinting over—one lagging behind the other two by a considerable amount.

“Sorry we’re late, Hyunsuk couldn’t decide on an outfit and parking was a nightmare,” Seunghun says, somehow not out of breath despite the obvious distance he’d just crossed at a dead sprint. 

“We’re here though! Let’s get started!” Hyunsuk chirps, excitedly bouncing on his feet as if he were still a child and not a whole six foot man.

“Just hold on a bit, would you?!” Byounggon wheezes. He doubles over as soon as he stumbles to where the rest of them are standing, hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath. “You guys are way too fast for me…” 

Daehyeon shoots Yonghee a pointed glance upon seeing Byounggon and his bright blue hair, which matches his to the exact shade. Yonghee flushes and averts his gaze. 

“I’m sorry, I just got excited!” Yonghee protests.

“If he wasn’t early, I wouldn’t have run into an old friend, anyway,” Jinyoung adds. Yonghee internally sighs in relief, having been drawing a total blank on how to introduce Daehyeon to his friends.

It turns out that there isn’t much introduction needed in the end, saving everyone from any awkwardness. Daehyeon just happens to be good friends with a classmate of Byounggon and Seunghun’s, Seokhwa, who in turn is also dating Hyunsuk’s boyfriend, Junseo. Daehyeon nearly has a heart attack upon learning this, until Hyunsuk clarifies that Junseo is polyamorous, and he’s fully aware of the other man. Along with him, Daehyeon also knows someone named Yoo Yongha. The name doesn’t ring a bell for Yonghee, but Jinyoung recognizes him as the person who has been in love with another classmate of his—the straightest man in Produce High, he had been called—for as long as anyone could remember. Yonghee doesn’t believe in any gods, but he still prays for Yongha. 

In all the excitement of introducing Daehyeon to his friends, Yonghee finds himself slightly pushed aside. Truth be told, he’s more relieved than hurt, considering how the crowds around him were already overstimulating to begin with, and he really didn’t want to run out of energy keeping his silent promise to Daehyeon. He half-hides behind Jinyoung as they start walking in no particular direction, stimming as subtly as he can. He can feel Daehyeon’s eyes on him at a couple points, but pays it no mind. He’ll explain later, if he asks.

“Hold on, is that—”

“No. No way. Yongha!”

Seunghun and Jinyoung’s shouts snap Yonghee out of his thoughts. Following their shouts, he spots a fucking gorgeous punk decked out in spikes, studded leather, and a skirt headed their way. Snake bites flash in their ear-to-ear grin, and as they get closer, Yonghee spots the nonbinary flag painted on their cheek and a he/they pin on their jacket. The man beside them isn’t dressed nearly as flashily as the person Yonghee assumes to be Yongha, but his handsome, bunny-like face and the way his MISBHV shirt defines his chest and arms still draws just as much attention as his company. 

“Daehyeon-hyung! You’ll never believe how this happened!” Yongha gushes, holding up their hand—which is entwined with the man next to him.

“Kim Yohan, at Pride with someone who isn’t a woman? The world must be ending!” Jinyoung crows at the same time. 

“Well, it’s a bit of a long story…” Yohan says, flustered. 

“We’ll be here for a while, we don’t mind listening!” Hyunsuk chirps. His tone is light, but Yonghee would recognize that protective gleam in his—and the rest of his friends’—eyes anywhere. 

“Really? Perfect! We’ll tell you while we head to Twilight!” Yongha chirps, oblivious to the searching glares being directed at their boyfriend. Twilight… The name of that club brings back memories. Or rather, the lack of them… Last time Yonghee went there, he woke up draped across Hyunsuk’s couch with a stranger looking for Junseo. Now that Yonghee thinks of it, that might have been Junseo’s other boyfriend. Judging by the look on Daehyeon’s face, he must have had a similar experience.

“You’re taking him to Twilight on the first night of Pride? Oh Yohan, I hope you know what you’re getting into…” Daehyeon mutters under his breath.

“Of course I do, Twilight is really fun! One of my friends performs there every other week, I go whenever I can to hype him up. I think he’s doing a special today, actually,” Yohan says with a shrug, just as oblivious as Yongha to the shock of Yonghee and his friends. Only Jinyoung shows no sign of surprise, frantically tapping at his phone before showing it to Yohan.

“Does this happen to be him?” 

“You know Donghan-hyung too?!” Yohan exclaims, his eyes lighting up in recognition. Yonghee and Daehyeon share an incredulous look. Just how much do their friend groups overlap?! Yonghee finds himself swept up in yet another web of overlapping conversations, all going entirely too quickly for him to keep up with. The only person who shares his silence is Daehyeon, though unlike Yonghee who simply prefers not to talk at the moment, Daehyeon seems like something is bothering him. He’s somewhat curled into himself, a faraway look in his eyes. 

“You okay, hyung?” Yonghee asks, slowing down just a little so they fall into step together. “If Twilight would be too much, we can go somewhere else.” Daehyeon shakes his head.

“It’s fine, I like it there. I just…” Daehyeon drops his gaze to the table. “Do I still belong here? I mean, the rest of you already had yourselves figured out a long time ago, but I didn’t really embrace myself until a couple months ago, so I’m totally lost on how everything… Works? I-I don’t know, I don’t think I’m making any sense.” 

Yonghee has to take a moment to plan his response. Daehyeon’s worries match his former ones almost exactly, so how would he like to be assured? 

“What are you talking about? Of course you belong here,” Yonghee assures. “I didn’t even discover myself until like, six years ago. Most people like me know who they are since childhood, so I’m really late by comparison. Even then, there’s no such thing as “late” when it comes to accepting yourself.” 

“I know, I just… It took me so long to get here, even after I knew who I was and accepted myself.” Daehyeon shrugs. “I guess I wanted to focus on my “actual” life first, before throwing myself into being all loud and proud like everyone else.” He cringes as soon as the words leave his mouth. “Not that being loud and proud was a bad thing, I just… I don’t know. I guess I thought I wasn’t allowed to do that?” 

Yonghee hums in understanding. “It’s fine, I see where you’re coming from. Still, that doesn’t make you any less deserving of a place here than us. Would you treat Yohan the way you’re treating yourself right now?”

“No, I would never!” Daehyeon exclaims. He continues in a lower voice. “Especially not now that I see how happy he makes Yongha. He’s a good person, I wouldn’t want to exclude him.”

“So why do you think you deserve it?” 

For the first time tonight, Yonghee locks eyes with Daehyeon to prove his point. 

“I… I don’t know. I guess I’m just a little hard on myself, or something…” Daehyeon meekly trails off, a slight blush dusting his cheeks. Cute. 

“That’s understandable. Still, keep that in mind the next time you start thinking that you don’t deserve to be here, because you do!” Yonghee chirps, 

“... Thanks, Yonghee. It really means a lot.”

A cacophony of squeals from Yonghee’s friends ahead of them draws their attention back to the group.

“You’re kidding! You just kissed them just like that?!” Hyunsuk exclaims.

“What else could I have done? It’s Yongha! ” Yohan fires back.

“Hold on, I think we missed a few chapters. How did you two get to that point?” Daehyeon asks, quickening his pace to catch up with the rest. Yonghee hangs back a little, content to just listen from the sidelines while holding Jinyoung’s hand. They’ve reached the line to get into Twilight by now, and thankfully they’re early enough that it isn't too long yet.

“So, as you know I was crushing on him like, forever, right?” Yongha asks. Daehyeon nods, and they continue. “Turns out that as soon as I came out, he started questioning stuff about himself—which is so unbelievable, since I didn’t even know he knew I existed?”

“How could I not know you existed?” Yohan whines, “You were like, the hottest person I had ever seen!”

“Still! Anyway, so we started talking because we have mutual friends, and I was going literally crazy because it’s him , you know?” Yongha gushes. Truth be told, Yonghee has no idea what he’s supposed to know here, but everyone else seems to understand just fine, so he keeps listening.

“I wanted to know more about you! And everything else, since being straight can really shield you from a lot of different perspectives…” Yohan trails off with a nervous laugh.

“Well, that’s fine, I really appreciate that you wanted to learn.” Yongha presses a kiss to Yohan’s cheek, bringing a pretty pink blush to his cheeks. “I think the real key was when I did your makeup before the rave we went to, though.”

Yohan flushes even deeper at Yongha’s words.

“Yeah… By then I was super attracted to them, but also a little confused? I mean, they’re not a man, so it’s not like I was gay ,—not that anything’s wrong with that—but that didn’t make me straight either, so I was just there letting them sit on my lap doing my makeup—”

“You were on his lap?! ” Daehyeon exclaims.

“Anywhere else would have been too far away! Can you blame me for wanting to be close to my crush!” Yongha whines defensively. “Besides, he already knew I liked him by then…” they mutter under their breath.

“Y-Yeah, that too. Anyway, I was trying not to have a crisis since I didn’t want to break their heart, and while this is happening, our friend is like, egging me to just give in and kiss them, which… I mean, yeah both of us wanted me to do it, I just didn’t want to do it without knowing exactly what was going on with us, if that makes sense?” Yongha nods in agreement to Yohan’s words, leaning into his side much like Yonghee is leaning against Jinyoung’s. Yonghee shares a knowing glance with them, and they flash him a smile before continuing Yohan’s train of thought. 

“That’s when I figured he didn’t know that anyone could be attracted to me regardless of sexuality, since…” Yongha gestures to themself and shrugs. “As soon as I told him, he just went in, and now here we are!”

Yonghee’s heart warms at the sight of Daehyeon’s accepting smile.

“I’m really glad you two are happy together, Yongha. I can tell you treat each other well.” Perhaps Yonghee is reading too far into things, but does Daehyeon sound… Bitter? It’s subtle under his genuine happiness for the couple, so perhaps Yonghee could be imagining it. Still, he makes a note to check in on that once they get in.

The rest of the line breezes by within a few minutes, and they’re met with booming music as soon as they enter. Yonghee flinches a little at the sudden spike in volume, but he’s over it just as fast.

“Baby I see why the way I walk, you tryna find something to say~” A sultry voice rings out from the stage ahead of them.

“Oh. My. God.” Daehyeon whimpers from next to Yonghee.

“What, what?” Yonghee asks, craning his neck to see the latest performer. Yohan had mentioned an old friend of his would be performing tonight, and Jinyoung had also recognized him, but his name escapes Yonghee at the moment. Could this be him?

“There’s no way that’s Kim Donghan,” Daehyeon wheezes, blindly grabbing at Yonghee’s shoulder for support. That’s the name!

“Why are you saying it like it’s a bad thing?” Yonghee asks. Then again, Daehyeon could just be in shock and Yonghee could have misread. It’s hard to tell, sometimes.

“I mean, it’s not, but it kind of is. He was my bi awakening!” Daehyeon hisses. The crowd parts a little in front of Yonghee, leaving him a perfect view of the leather-clad man onstage throwing a wink in his and Daehyeon’s direction. 

“Yonghee.”

“Yes, hyung?”

“I’m going to fucking die.”

As if to seal Daehyeon’s doom, Donghan starts strutting over, a sensual line about sugar canes and chains playing on his lips. Yonghee finds himself getting accosted from both sides; Daehyon locking his left arm in a vice grip and Jinyoung repeatedly smacking his right in excitement.

“Save me, Yonghee!” Daehyeon whimpers.

“I’m going to be honest, I don’t know if there’s much I can do!” Yonghee is only half aware of the words leaving his mouth, dazed by the sheer intensity of Donghan’s gaze. He looks at his audience like he’s about to fucking eat them, something that Yonghee never thought he would be so into. Then again, Jinyoung looks at him the same way, when… 

He’s jolted out of his thoughts by Daehyeon bolting off to the bar. 

“Uh—Daehyeon and I will get our first round of drinks first! You guys go ahead and get good seats for us!” Yonghee blusters, barely staying long enough to process Jinyoung’s nod before he’s pushing through the crowd to get to Daehyeon. 

"Hyung, wait up!" Yonghee calls over the music. He all but throws himself into the chair next to Daehyeon who's huddled at the far edge of the bar, staring down at it as if it were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. "Are you okay?"

"No!" Daehyeon squeaks. "How am I supposed to face the only man I've loved since middle school after I haven't seen him in years and he's like this now?! Did he recognize me? I really hope he didn't recognize me, because if he did then he'll know it took me this long when he's always been like this and I never have and—"

"Whoa, hold on, breathe, breathe!" Yonghee cuts in as Daehyeon starts running out of air. 

He had only managed to pick up about half of Daehyeon’s rambling, but from that, he had picked up most of the same concerns that he once had when he and Jinyoung had first reunited after high school. Yonghee faintly wonders if Daehyeon is himself from another timeline. The bartender slides a glass of water towards them, which Yonghee accepts on Daehyeon’s behalf. 

“Drink up and run that by me again, hyung,” Yonghee murmurs, “slowly this time.”

Daehyeon downs half the glass in a single go, nearly choking on it in the process. 

“So, we went to high school together,” Daehyeon groans. “We weren’t super close, but some of our friends knew each other and we would always be right on the edge of being friends, but not really, if that makes sense?”

"Okay, so you know him,” Yonghee says with a nod. “Judging by how he looked at us, he remembers you, right?" he asks.

"Yeah, and I was really stupid back in middle school and rejected him when he asked me out!" Daehyeon all but wails. "What is he going to think of me showing up like this now?!"

Yonghee blinks down at Daehyeon for a couple moments. It's obvious that a blunt reply won't help this situation at all, but he really has no other idea how to reply. 

"... If it happened in middle school, I highly doubt he remembers that, hyung. Even then, feelings can still change after time!" 

"I rejected him because I said I was straight , Yonghee!” Daehyeon wails. “What is he going to think now that I'm here? What if he thinks I'm just one of those shitty guys who likes to experiment and throw people away?"

"Well, are you?"

"No! He’s the only one I’ve had on my mind!"

“So what’s the problem?!” Yonghee exclaims, incredulous. “The only problem I can think about right now is that he might be taken, which. Well, yeah, okay, that’s a problem, but it wouldn’t be your fault like you’re making it out to be, right?”

Daehyeon muffles his sigh into his glass before chugging the rest. He doesn’t look back up at Yonghee when he sets it down again, staring down into the ice.

“It could be. From what I heard after I graduated, he really liked me. I already broke his heart once, I don’t want it to have been repaired only for me to show up and break it again. That’s why I was a little hesitant to come here when Yohan mentioned him, but honestly…” Yonghee leans in a little closer to hear him better over the music. “I also just really wanted to see him again.”

Yonghee’s heart aches on Daehyeon’s behalf. He remembers exactly how that had felt like.

“I don’t think you’ll believe me, but I was the same, sort of,” he starts, sliding his stool closer so he won’t have to shout. “I’ve loved Jinyoung since middle school, when I was a little girl and he was just coming to terms with being gay. I never told him I liked him back then, partly since I knew it wouldn’t work out and partly because we both moved schools before I had the chance. I was devastated, obviously, but in the time we were apart, I was able to really discover myself properly. He did, too. By the time we got to meet again, he had actually forgotten me. Made things slightly awkward because I was thinking of him through everything, but you know what? That had just made things better for us in the end.” 

Daehyeon gapes at him. “How?!”

Yonghee can’t help but smile at the memory, lightly tracing his fingers along the patterns of the bartop. “If we had stayed in touch with each other between middle school and college, we both would have had more trouble figuring ourselves out. Back in middle school, I was the only girl Jinyoung would have ever considered marrying on the playground, and Jinyoung used to be the kind of boy that I wanted to be as well as just…” Yonghee shrugs. “Wanted in general, I guess. We still would have turned out fine in the end, but we also would have confused each other. Maybe you two have the same thing going on.”

Daehyeon sighs. “I wish it could be that easy. I mean, I’m sure you and Jinyoung didn’t have it easy, but with the way you say it, I just…” He absently swirls his half-melted ice around his glass. “I don’t know. He’s him, and I’m me. Even if he still sees it, I don’t know what he sees in me.”

“Let’s find out, then!” Yonghee chirps. Just then, his phone vibrates with two messages from Jinyoung and one from Yohan. The first from Jinyoung is a list of everything the group wants to drink, and the second is a “You’ve been there for a while. Is everything okay?” that warms his heart. Yohan’s message simply reads “Donghan-hyung’s single and looking for Daehyeon-hyung lol I think he’s going to have a heart attack.”

“Judging by the look on your face, you already have, haven’t you?” Daehyeon asks, an edge of defeat in his tone. Yonghee meets his somber face with a grin.

“Yep! And this will be good!”

A squabble over who pays for the first round and another glass of water for Daehyeon later, Yonghee and Daehyeon finally arrive at their friend’s table with the drinks.

“You’re just in time!” Yohan says to Daehyeon. “Donghan-hyung’s set is almost done!”

“I don’t think I can do this…” Daehyeon mutters under his breath.

“Yes you can! We’ll help you!” Yonghee nudges Jinyoung as he speaks, glancing first at Daehyeon, then at Donghan who’s still onstage. Jinyoung nods in understanding, and leans over to whisper something to Yohan.

“Yohan explained everything while you were gone, are we finally getting you and Donghan-hyung together?” Yongha asks Daehyeon, who freezes like a deer in the headlights.

“Yep!” Yonghee says before Daehyeon can finish flailing for an answer. Right on time, Donghan’s last song ends with a flourish and thunderous cheers from nearly the entire club—however none are as loud as their table. Donghan throws another wink their way and immediately starts making his way over, much to Daehyeon’s dismay.

“Guys, you said you’d help, what do I do, he’s coming this way!” Daehyeon whimpers, half-hiding behind Yonghee. “I don’t want to mess this up!”

“You won’t, just be yourself!” Yongha assures.

“Love conquers all, doesn’t it?” Hyunsuk adds.

“Donghanie-hyung! Look who came to see you!” Yohan calls as soon as Donghan gets close enough. Before Daehyeon can hide, Jinyoung and Seunghun all but drag him up in front of Donghan.

“Uh. Hi, Donghan… It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Daehyeon stammers. In an instant, Donghan’s icy, wolfish eyes squish up with the force of his grin—a stark contrast to the man who was onstage not even a minute ago.

“Daehyeon-hyung! You have no idea how much I’ve missed you!” Donghan gushes, pulling Daehyeon into a hug. “Can we talk? Just the two of us?” he asks as he pulls back. There’s a certain softness behind his tone when he speaks now, one meant only for Daehyeon to hear.

“What, and leave us all behind? That’s mean, hyung, I’ve missed you too!” Jinyoung whines, though his smile shows he means none of it.

“Don’t worry, you can still get a piece of me when I’m done with him!” Donghan says with a teasing grin. Even in the dim club lights, Yonghee can still see Daehyeon flushing red all the way down his neck as he and Donghan head off. He only gives one look back at Yonghee on his way, to which Yonghee flashes him an encouraging thumbs up. The last thing the group see of them before they disappear backstage is Daehyeon reaching out to take Donghan’s hand, and the entire table bursts into cheers.

“Finally!” Jinyoung crows. “What did you tell him? It must have been good to finally get him out of his shell.” 

Yonghee shrugs. “He was just like how I used to be before I met you. I figured he could use some of the advice I learned from everyone else. I just hope it worked.”

The next morning, Yonghee wakes up on an unfamiliar couch, wrapped up in Jinyoung’s arms, to a flurry of half-coherent “thank you” messages from Daehyeon, whose number he doesn’t recall saving. 

“Well. Looks like it did.”

[dat-town]

you are the knife i turn inside myself (that is love)

Characters: Seunghun & OC (Jieun)

Setting & genre: angst, hurt/comfort, set in the world of Save Me Kill Me MV

Summary: Jieun had always been an enigma. Yet, Seunghun can’t stop loving her.

Warnings: mentions of suicide (Yonghee’s), past attempted suicide (MC), bullying, parents’ divorce and neglectful behaviour (MC’s), deceased parents (Seunghun’s), academic pressure, depression (MC’s), therapy ‒ if any of these topics are triggering for you, please don’t interact with the fic. if you would like to know what to expect under any warning beforehand, feel free to send me an ask

International suicide hotline: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Words: 6k

Author’s note: it’s a spin-off to in your eyes i see another me, for my convenience I named the previous reader, as Jinah. I don’t think it’s a must to read it but it gives more context. Heavily inspired by the CIX story films and Save Me Kill Me MV, so the boys’ characters resemble that more than their idol personality. This story is heavily Seunghun-centric.

Title taken from Kafka, read the meaning here.

For @restlessmaknae, thank you for always being such a supporter, for introducing me to new music (and groups) and for fangirling with me over fictional characters or real people in general. I hope next year you find a place where they appreciate you the way you deserve it and that it will be a better one health-wise. I wish you more (kpop) concerts, travel experiences and happiness! love you <3

Seunghun couldn't tell when exactly he fell in love with Jieun. Was it love at first sight? The way her fringe had fallen into her dark eyes, the fierce fire in them, the way she had looked at him like everything was a challenge ever since the first day of high school? Or was it much later when she had held his trembling hand during his mother's funeral?

Seunghun wasn't sure but he knew one thing: he didn't remember how it was to not be in love with her. That's why it hurt when he started to notice her building up walls, acting weird and hanging out with Byounggon more. The boy told himself he wasn't jealous, he had nothing against the other guy after all, but lying could only take him that far.

Then his whole world turned upside down when it turned out that Jieun had a twin who pretended to be her while she was in a hospital. In a coma. Because of attempted suicide.

It was like an ice cold shower because Seunghun would rather have Jieun be with somebody else than dead. Or in pain. But Jieun was like a rose with sharp thorns, so to love her was like handing her a knife, ready to be hurt.

The smell of the hospital was the same. Seunghun remembered it all too well. It didn't matter that it wasn't the same building or that months had passed. He had spent too much time beside Yonghee's bed, praying that he wouldn't leave like his mom, to forget. And now here he was, right by the unconscious Jieun's side doing the same.

She looked so vulnerable in the hospital bed, all pale and put on machines that kept her alive. So unlike how she really was: wild and lively like ember among ash. Whenever Seunghun came to visit, his heart sank at the sight and he couldn't help checking the heart monitor just to make sure. Hoping that one of these days it would be different, that she would open her eyes and everything would be okay. What a wishful thinking but it's not like he had anything better to do.

"Your sister comes back from the UK tomorrow. You should see Byounggon, he's like an excited puppy," he recited, sitting on the uncomfortable metal chair next to Jieun's bed. He didn't believe she heard him but the nurses told him it could help, so he did his best. It made it feel less weird too, just being there, silent, watching her sleep. Like this, he could pretend they were gossiping, like she could chuckle anytime soon and call him out on his bullshit when he exaggerated. Not this time though; ever since Jinah notified them that she had finished all her final exams and was heading back to Seoul for the summer, Byounggon was restless. "How long do you think it will take them to get together officially? We all saw how they looked at each other and long distance can't be an excuse now."

Honestly, given Jieun's and Byounggon's arguing history, Seunghun didn't think the girl would have been thrilled to know that her twin got so close with the guy, but he would have rather taken her frustration than her silence at this point. He would have given anything for her to wake up. Maybe he was selfish but he wasn't ready to lose her too. Too many good people had left them last year.

"I miss you," he whispered, toying with a loose thread of her thin duvet. The realization wasn't sudden but his confession was. It tasted bittersweet on his tongue or like sour candy.

Seunghun gulped while watching Jieun's porcelain face, her dark lashes and listened to the rhythmical beeps of the machine beside her. Nothing even stirred. Gently, he reached out to take her hand in his, so cold against his sweaty palms, so still and unlike her. Jieun wasn't fond of public displays of affection after all. He sometimes got away with a brief hug or nudge on the shoulder, but Jieun was often quick to pull away. But she was like that with everybody, so Seunghun didn't take it to heart.

He squeezed her hand softly, suddenly nervous at being so daring, but naively he hoped that maybe the cliché things from dramas would turn out to be true for once. But no, even as he stood up to leave and let go of her pale hands, the heart monitor's beeps remained steady.

With Jinah back in town, they had one more person at those Saturday hang outs Hyunsuk liked to call movie nights in honour of the film club they used to be a part of.

Eventually all of them had graduated, even Byounggon and Jinyoung had managed to do so without having to retake the senior year. Seunghun wasn't sure it would have happened without Jinah. Sure, her lying to them and impersonating her sister had been morally wrong but with her around they had all gotten a new perspective: that they all had something to live for and none of the people who had left them would have wanted them to feel otherwise. At first, Seunghun had thought that it had been naive to think so, so unlike Jieun, but then he had gotten to know about her in the hospital and realized that maybe it had been their pessimistic mindset of theirs all along that had pushed the girl to the edge.

Hyunsuk and Byeol had gotten into the same college, sociology majors – she had wanted to study that and he hadn't known what else to do –, and it was cute how they lived their campus romance. Jinyoung had started working in a coffee shop and whenever they visited him, female customers were making heart eyes at him. Byounggon had gotten a job at a convenience store and often took night shifts because he had always been a night owl (and because with the timezone difference, this way he could talk more with Jinah), but with her back in time, it was most likely up to change.

And Seunghun? He had taken on a few children's dance classes to teach and was studying for the civil worker exam. With house bills to pay he couldn't allow himself to dream big. With all of them pressed up against each other on a couch, watching a movie, he was already paying his dream coins thinking of Jieun – that she would make faces but like this anyway –, wishing she was there.

It was almost the end of the visiting hours when Seunghun woke up. He didn't mean to fall asleep over Jieun's hospital bed, arms folded like a pillow but he was up late learning a new choreography. He loved the lack of crushing thoughts when he was dancing, the soreness in his muscles and the beats of music the only thing he was aware of. No what ifs or guilt or anxiousness, just dance. Except when Jieun had been watching him dance before because then his thoughts had been all about her.

The boy startled and pulled back, scooting back in his chair. He yawned as he rubbed his eyes. Then he froze, eyes widening.

Jieun was watching him.

Her eyes were misty and unfocused but she was awake. Seunghun stood up so vehemently that he almost knocked his chair back. Her name was a prayer of gratitude as he called it. The soft sound made the girl focus on him. Breathing through the plastic mask over her face, heartbeat measured by the wires put on her body, white hospital grown over her pale skin, Jieun seemed like a stranger but her eyes, they were still the same: sad but with fire in them.

Seunghun held his breath while a single drop of tear rolled down Jieun's temple, then she closed her eyes again right before the nurses arrived.

Seunghun was sent out while the doctors and nurses ran a million tests on the girl. He called Jinah and wrote in the group chat but he didn't know what else to do. He was pacing, walking up and down the corridor and while this was what he was waiting for, for her to wake up, it was also nerve-wrecking.

"How is she?" Seunghun ran up to the nurse who just came out of the room.

"Better than expected. But I can't tell you the details. Only family members are entitled to know medical details."

It left a sharp feeling in Seunghun's gut after spending in the hospital hours every week, but he wasn't surprised. He needed the family's permission to be able to visit too, so he didn't push it.

"Can I see her?" He asked instead, but the nurse looked at him uncertainly, with pity.

"I'm sorry but… the patient specifically said she doesn't want you to see her like that. Nobody apart from her family actually," she bobbed her head apologetically before hurrying away, leaving the boy behind.

Disheartened, Seunghun sank down onto the row of uncomfortable plastic chairs in the corridor and tried not to feel hurt. He knew how proud Jieun was, how much she hated to show weakness to others. He should have expected it, but it still stung.

He didn't know how much time had passed by the time the doctors and rest of the nurses left or when Jinah and Byounggon arrived. He just sat there, waiting, waiting. He wasn’t sure what for, not anymore.

Jinah told all of them that according to the doctors Jieun would make full recovery. She had to attend rehabilitation because she just spend months not moving and obligatory therapy due to the attempted suicide. She wasn't particularly happy about either of those nor having to repeat her senior year. But at least she didn't look like she was disappointed that she survived or so Jinah said. Not that they talked about it. Jieun wasn’t quite generous with words, not when it came to topics like this.

After a week of various examinations they would let her out of the hospital and she would spend two weeks in the mountains for recovery. Three weeks until Seunghun could see her again. If she was ready then.

"Seunghun, you are a beat behind. Where's your mind at?" His dance teacher's scolding pulled him out of his running thoughts.

Thoughts around and about her. Always her.

"Sorry," he mumbled and tried not to think of Jieun.

But he saw her even when he closed his eyes.

Jieun was alive and awake yet she had never felt farther. Seunghun's messages went unread on her phone and he only knew what was happening to her from Jinah. It felt wrong. Weren't they supposed to be best friends? When had it all gone wrong?

When she had jumped? Or when Yonghee had done?

Or when he had fallen in love?

Seunghun felt like she was slipping through his fingers like sand. It was almost like he was losing her all over again. For real, this time.

People said that it was natural to drift apart with your friends after school, once you didn't see each other every day, but he couldn't let go. He knew it wasn't about him graduating. Jieun was avoiding him. Seunghun told himself that she must have needed time. She was one of the strongest people he knew and she hated when she was seen as weak or vulnerable, she must have resented that he had been with her in the hospital. But how could he have not? At least he had been close to her that way.

The day after Jieun got back from the mountains, Seunghun got a text in the middle of his teens class. It was one simple message:

Can we meet?

His heart thrummed like a traitor when he saw it. He was sweaty and tired, but he wouldn't have missed out on the opportunity.

They agreed to meet at the park they often hung out later that night. Seunghun was more nervous than he would have liked to admit. His hands got clammy again after taking a quick shower and water droplets were still falling from his hair when he jumped on the bus. He was drumming on his knees to the rhythm of his heart, a jumpy little dance.

He didn't know what to expect. After months of not talking to Jieun, he wasn't sure. After her not wanting him to see her, he got even more uncertain. He kept replaying their last conversation. The one Jinah had confirmed wasn't with her. The way Jieun had smiled at him, nudged him playfully and stolen his fries. It had been painfully normal. He had used to beat himself up over not noticing the signs but all of them had been a mess after what had happened with Yonghee and Seunghun  had been busy with his mother's funeral too. There had been a new norm after that, nothing had been the same, so nothing had felt out of the ordinary. Nothing had felt like ‘Yonghee all over again’.

Jieun was already there when he got to the park. She sat on a bench with her long hair falling onto her shoulders, moonlight shining on her fair skin beautifully. She wore her signature eyeliner and black nail polish which reminded Seunghun of times before she got to the hospital where she was pale and bare faced, looking young, innocent and so so fragile. Seeing her again like this knocked the air out of the boy.

"Hey," she looked up, straightening her spine a bit once she was aware of his presence. The small movement didn't sit well with Seunghun. They were closer than to act differently around each other… Or so he thought they were.

"Hey," he echoed and took the seat next to her, his hands gripping on the edge of the bench. It felt unreal, being so close to her again, and she was awake, warm and real. "You… you look better."

It was a clumsy compliment but Seunghun knew Jieun would have never let him get away with calling her pretty or something like that. She didn't like that and the boy never knew why but according to Jinah they were always compared based on their academics and looks too. Early signs of Jieun's rebellion came with her going against what their parents would have liked to see her as: the ideal, well-behaving, perfect little angel.

"Better than half-dead in the hospital? Jeez, thanks," the girl snorted and her tone made Seunghun wince. Joking with her almost dying wasn't funny to him. He didn't say anything though, so silence embraced them for an uncomfortable moment.

"I'm sorry," Jieun sighed eventually and she sounded sincere.

Seunghun wasn't sure why she apologized though. For the insensitive joke? For ignoring his messages? For not letting him visit her in the hospital once she was awake? Or for the reason she had been at the hospital in the first place? Nevertheless, Seunghun shook his head, not wanting her to blame herself.

"Don't be."

"I am," she insisted, her eyes intense when their gazes met. "I never wanted to hurt you."

The boy sucked in a breath.

He was at fault too: he cared too much. But he couldn't say it was okay nor he could say he wasn't hurt. He was so damn confused at the same time as he was just happy to have her back. Because she was back, right? She wouldn't disappear like that again?

He wanted to ask. He wanted to beg even though he didn't have the right to tell her what to do. He wanted her to stay, but they didn't talk about it, about the elephant in the room, since everything was still so fragile.

Instead Seunghun looked into her deep dark night of her eyes and smiled.

"I missed you," he said.

Stay with me, he wished.

"I missed you, too," she said with the smallest of genuine smiles in the corner of her mouth.

For then, it was enough.

Admittedly, Seunghun had feared that Jieun wanted to meet because she would have preferred to cut ties with him, that it would have been a goodbye, maybe her moving away or just trying to start a new life. He was terribly relieved when it turned out that she just didn't want to apologize over messages for being distant ever since she woke up. She just needed time and space and she didn't like the idea of him wasting his time beside her hospital bed like he had done with Yonghee, too. He wouldn't have called it a waste of time though, he'd had nothing better to do and he had wanted to be there for them. Since he hadn’t been able to help, this was something he could have at least done. But convincing Jieun something like this was a lost cause and he didn't want to argue. A part of him just wanted things to go back as they were but another part of him, the one that wasn't a coward, wanted to be mature about it and talk it through. But he was afraid Jieun would put her walls up and shut him out then and he didn't want to lose her. He knew how much she disliked that therapy already that she had to attend for a year.

So Seunghun did the next best thing he could think of: making sure Jieun had reasons to live. He started writing a list, a list that he hoped would never end, of things that he knew she wanted to do, achieve or see. Be it a band concert, a trip to Gangnueng or just a choker she bookmarked on her phone. He knew her well and long enough to easily come up with a dozen list items but the hardest part was being smooth enough at delivering these that Jieun wouldn't call him out on it.

Like when they were out late again one night and he thought using that excuse that he was hungry would be enough to suppress her doubts.

"It's just so random," she grumbled when he told her dinner would be on him. It wasn't even anything fancy, just bibimbap that she always loved.

"I wanted to take you out from my first paycheck but you weren't awake then, so here we are," he echoed the practiced explanation. Technically it wasn't even a lie, he had wanted to do that. But now he had one more reason to.

When they crossed an item off his unwritten list, Seunghun added two more points in its place. With time, it turned into a little bucket list about things he wanted to do with her. Hyunsuk teased him that it was almost like he was planning dates for them and Seunghun had to make him promise not to call them dates out loud in front of Jieun. So what if he wanted to try out the new bingsu place with her or watch falling stars together or discover old record stores? He just wanted to be with her.

He knew it was only a matter of time that Jieun noticed the pattern and actually said something about it and then it would end. Seunghun guessed she kind of already knew, she just entertained him by letting him throw in a new idea for every weekend. Sometimes she asked if he shouldn't have studied instead but eventually let him be after listening to his nonsense excuses like how taking a break would fuel his productivity eventually.

Seunghun thought he could act like nothing had happened. Because it seemed like this was what Jieun wanted.

But sometimes he just couldn't.

"Jinah told us that you went to a psychologist," he said quietly after they visited Yonghee and his steps halted when Jieun fell behind.

"She shouldn't have. She had no right," she snapped, sounding both cold and angry at the same time, brushing past him, clearly not wanting to talk about it.

It was exactly what Seunghun wanted to avoid, but the cat was already out of the bag, so he didn’t want it to be an affair to brush off. He caught up with the girl, grabbing her wrist just temporarily to stop her and slip in front of her vision.

"You could have told me," he added, quiet and gentle, and Jieun's anger seemed to fade. She always seemed to soften just a bit when it came to him. Maybe that was also a reason why he fell for her. Because she made him feel special.

"You were struggling already because of your mom on top of what happened with Yonghee," she reasoned and Seunghun wished that she would have been more selfish than that. How could she have thought that her struggles would have been too much on top of everything as if she mattered less to him?

The boy sighed, shaking his head.

"That's not the only reason," he argued because he knew her and she respected him enough not to deny.

"That's not the only reason," she agreed, keeping eye contact. Brave, brave Jieun, why was she so afraid of showing vulnerability as if it was a weakness? Didn't she know that he wouldn't have thought less of her because of something like that?

"Can you tell me now? What happened? I would have never thought that you…" Seunghun wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence and it was probably the worst timing and not the best location either. But at least the streets were vacant and they were the only people under this alcove. The stars would keep their secrets. 

"I wanted to know how Yonghee felt," Jieun shrugged, trying to play it off but Seunghun saw the nervousness in her movements, the way she put her weight from one leg to the other. “Was he scared? Was it fast? Did it hurt? Maybe if it was fast and painless, it would be easier to accept it.”

Seunghun imagined her walking over the bridge, watching the river rush by underneath her and thinking of Yonghee. Of the boy with the gentlest soul and all those bruises on his fair skin. He imagined her screaming and reckless, finding comfort in the dark and the waves. The impact of her jump held magnitudes. It could never be fast and painless, not for those who loved them.

“Do you know what was the last thing I told him?” Jieun asked but Seunghun didn’t answer.

How could he have known when she had never told him? What he knew was that she had gotten into an argument with Yonghee not much before he had left them. But that was nothing new, Jieun had got into her fair share of arguments with all of them, especially Byounggon, because she was like an ember, fierce and restless. Yonghee had known this, he had known that her words were sometimes harsher than she intended.

“I called him a coward. I told him he was weak. That if he wasn’t going to stand up for himself, it’s like he’s letting them kill him,” Jieun’s lips trembled and she looked away, her voice getting breathy. “We were his safe space and I made him feel like he was a disappointment. I…”

A sob escaped her. It was so sudden that Seunghun didn’t see it coming. He had never seen Jieun cry. Not at Yonghee’s funeral, not when she had broken her arm trying a skateboarding trick in their freshman year. Yet, it was like an instinct: winding his arms around her, pulling her into his embrace. He half-expected her to push him away, to build up the walls once again just to prove that she was strong and independent. But maybe, finally she knew that from time to time it was okay to be vulnerable, with the right people it wasn’t a bad thing.

“I… What if that was the last straw? What if it was like I pushed him over the edge?” She sobbed into his shirt and he held her tighter as if he could keep her together as she was spiralling down. He had no idea she held so much guilt and grief inside.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispered into her hair and murmured other reassuring words while storing her back. Yes, they were all bystanders and maybe they could have offered help, could have pushed more but Yonghee had loved them and he insisted that he was okay. There was no way they could have known what had been going on behind his smiles.

Jieun cried for a long time. Years worth of tears dried up on Seunghun’s white tee as she pulled back and wiped away the rest from her cheeks.

“Shit. I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you,” she sighed, her voice raspy from all that crying and the boy practically saw her build up her walls level by level as she composed her facial expressions and wiped away her smudged makeup. She was mentally running away, so the boy told her the only words he thought that could stop her.

"Jieun... you are the strongest person I know."

The girl blinked at him in disbelief, his reflection clear in her shiny eyes.

"Do you really still think that?" She asked ironically with the certainty of someone ragged and patched up, scars from her fall still fading into her pale skin. But to him, she had never been broken.

"Yeah, I really do," Seunghun nodded, convinced and genuine.

She had never looked stronger.

Seunghun was hovering over his textbooks in the pleasant warmth the coffee shop where Jinyoung worked provided when somebody stopped by his table. His first thought was the barista boy but the mellow female voice that greeted him proved him wrong. Even after months of knowing Jinah, sometimes the striking similarity of the twins still surprised him. Most likely because he had spent years without knowing about the other girl's existence. But now that he knew and the girl stopped pretending to be Jieun, it was also painfully obvious in just how many subtle ways they were different. It wasn't just about the lack of eyeliner – which Byounggon had noticed since day one –, but the way they styled their hair, the way they dressed or the way they talked. There was that warm smile on Jinah's face too that Jieun so rarely showed. Looking back it was impossible to not tell them apart.

"Hi, how's studying?" She asked, sounding sincerely curious as her fingers intertwined over her iced frappé.

"As okay as it can get,"  the boy shrugged, straightening his back, using her presence as an excuse to focus on something else other than the material. "And what are you doing here?"

"Just getting coffee while I wait for Gon to finish his shift," she explained and glanced at her watch, checking the time, before pointing at the chair across from Seunghun. "Can I join you until then?"

"Sure," the boy nodded, trying not to show any lingering awkwardness that remained from the time when she had been pretending to be Jieun. He wasn't angry at her anymore, he understood her reason no matter how wild it was but he still couldn't forget the confusion he had felt when he had thought he had been starting to lose Jieun to Byounggon only to realize that it hadn’t been her to begin with.

Small talk with Jinah wasn't as awkward as he thought though. He asked her about how she was holding up in the Korean summer weather and told her about his upcoming civil servant exam. Only when they seemed to run out of easy topics like that did she bring up her sister.

"Did Jieun tell you anything about Gon and me?" She asked, fidgeting with her napkin.

Seunghun furrowed his eyebrows. Why would they have talked about them? Was something up? Should he have known something? He thought things were going well.

"Uhm, no. Why?"

Jinah seemed a bit uncertain at the outright question. She was probably embarrassed to bring it up herself.

"She doesn't really like him, huh?" She whispered, tapping her nails against the glass. "And it's not like I need her approval but... she's still my sister, you know."

Well, Seunghun didn't know. He didn't have any siblings and up until last year he had no idea Jieun had. But after getting to know Jinah and their close bond with her twin despite being separated for years, he thought he understood why she felt that way.

"Jieun doesn't hate Byounggon or anything like that. They are just too similar in a way," he told her eventually, thinking of how vocal they both could be about their opinions, how fierce they could fight for their loved ones or how reckless they could be if they thought it was the right thing to do. They had similar enough personalities to clash because neither of them liked to be proven wrong... or seen vulnerable. They were the lone wolves that could lead packs. "Maybe the same reason why she doesn't think she is fit for happiness is why she would prefer if you stayed away from him."

Jieun was good at holding grudges but the one she forgave the hardest was herself. As if she didn't deserve it just because she made some honest-to-god mistakes.

"The same way she stays away from you?" Jinah asked and Seunghun's eyes widened, his ears on fire.

"Did she–"

"She didn't need to say anything, but I can tell that she is guarded whenever it's about you. She cares about you, a lot, but she doesn't want others to know," Jinah interrupted him before he could have asked and yeah, that sounded very much like Jieun. "While I was pretending to be her, I heard girls whispering that she didn't deserve you. That's also probably why she had 'bitch' written over her locker and who knows what else happened to her that made her think it would be a bad idea to… let you closer, I guess."

Seunghun hummed, more to himself than to her, his hands in fists, knuckles white in his lap. Was he a bad friend for not knowing about it? For thinking that something so petty couldn't get to Jieun?

He wasn't sure he had the right to ask more even if Jinah knew more, so he stayed silent and then watched Jinah's face brighten and following her gaze, he saw Byounggon by the door, with the same, small but happy smile on his face. They were so obviously in love that it made Seunghun wonder when it had stopped hurting for them.

Seunghun made a plan. It wasn’t a very thorough or foolproof plan but summer was ending and he really should have stopped being a coward. Life was short and he didn’t want to live with regrets.

He asked Jieun to meet at the playground in the park where they often hang out. This late it was empty and Seunghun was sitting on one of the two metal swings, enjoying the last of the summer breeze in his face. Jieun arrived with soft steps and a not so soft push on his swing. Her laughter that followed his yelp was a chime of bells in the night.

"So what's the occasion?" She asked, straight to the point, taking a seat next to him, not yet sensing his nervousness, so the boy decided it was better to just tip off the bandage.

"I thought we could get away from the city before you go back to school," he said once he was sitting up straight again. He reached into his backpack and handed her a return train ticket to Gangneung, her favorite beach town. She took it with a frown, her surprise morphing into something akin to embarrassment mixed with frustration. Not a good sign but the boy tried not to lose hope as he waited patiently for her to say something.

"You don't have to do this. You don't have to, I don’t know, trying to convince me that life is beautiful or whatever," Jieun scoffed but her fingers grazed across the paper ticket in her hands like it was something precious. Her addition almost sounded like resignation. "I don't want to die."

The not anymore echoed somewhere between them.

"I know. But I want to do these things with you," Seunghun insisted because it wasn't just about that. What happened to her made him realize that life was fragile and fleeting, he didn't have all the time in the world to wait around for a chance with her. He didn't want to procrastinate these plans anymore.

But it wasn't enough for Jieun, it never was. She liked logic and reasons and the truth.

"Why?" She asked firmly and Seunghun felt like he was held at gunpoint.

Because we are best friends sounded like a lie.

"I want to be the one you do these things with," he admitted and it sounded like a confession. He didn't plan it but his voice softened as he looked at her, his eyes were probably full of the longing he tried to hide so hard all these years because he knew she would reject him for a better or worse reason.

"Seunghun…" Jieun sighed and he thought this was it, she knew and she would reject him. Of course, she knew. He wasn't exactly subtle, even Jinah knew and she knew him for the least amount of time. Jieun looked at him and the boy held his breath, waiting for the blow. The invisible gun, aimed at his heart, fired. "You deserve better. I'm such a mess and a bad influence. You deserve a pretty girl who is kind and patient."

It didn't hurt as much as he expected. Jieun said nothing about her feelings or that his were ridiculous or one-sided. She just said what she thought was true because she had no idea how he saw her, how much he could thank her. She might not have been the conventional idea of pretty but to him, she was the prettiest. And bad influence? When it was her who pushed him to believe in himself and keep trying because he could do anything?

"I don't want anybody else," he said because he knew he couldn't have convinced her of anything else. “I like you.”

Jieun abruptly stood up from her swing and leaned over him, grabbing the metal chains to support herself just above his hands, her hair falling around them like a silk curtain and her warm breath fanning over his skin. Seunghun felt heat rush to his cheeks as he kept eye contact and warmth spread through his whole body from the point where her pinky brushed against his fingers.

"Why me?" Jieun asked and it was the most ridiculous question because the boy couldn't have said why it could not have been her.

The girl who had taken the blame when they had gotten caught being late from school because there had been a long queue for the waffle they had bought before classes. The one who had been there for more of his dance recitals than his own parents. The only one who had told him he could do it even when he hadn’t believed it. His safe place. His first love.

"It could never be anybody else," he whispered. He didn't mean it literally and she knew it. There were girls who had approached him before both in class and at the dance academy but he didn't care. To him, there was only Jieun.

"Idiot," she murmured but there was no edge to her words, only fondness. She sat back down on the swing next to him, feet kicking sand.

Seunghun turned to her, watching her expressions closely before he reached for her hand. First, he just tentatively held it, half-expecting Jieun to pull away, like she always did but when she didn't, he intertwined their fingers. They were both holding on.

What was love if not this? Feeling content just by sharing a space, this kind of closeness between two people? Knowing that by being vulnerable with them, they could hurt you and yet you willingly give them the power because you hope they wouldn't? Why? Because they love you too.

[papermatisse]

hiiii i discovered your account through your fic “Opia”, and i loved it so much!😭 your writing is just so pretty. hyunsuk and readers dynamic mirroring the play? genius, beautiful, i love them🫶🏻 plus it was so cute as a smau!! and… AND THE SPOOKTOBER ONES?! i love horror works sm and you captured such an eerie and uneasy atmosphere so well in both hyunsuk and jinyoungs! i was at the edge of my seat with how immersive they were!! i will patiently wait for the yonghee spooktober one if you are planning to continue it! (the world is in a cix fic drought, and cix content in general- ). i hope you’re doing well, thank you for sharing your writings!!🩷

ah! thank you so much! 🥹

I agree, there's a big cix drought, especially on Tumblr. I'm glad you liked the few pieces I have written, though! I have a few other cix stuff I've been planning, but I'm so hesitant to post them for a variety of reasons. but your message does motivate me more to finish up one of the fics and post it soon ❤️

I will be posting the last of my spooktober fics this October! the Yonghee one is interesting because I just didn't know how to write it in an effective way, but I'll be working on it over the next few months to try and get it to a point that I like it :))

thank you for reading my stuff!

[restlessmaknae]

Omg I am like dying rolling around after reading your yonghee fic 😭😭😭😭😭, he so adorableeeee. More cute yonghee please

Hi anon,

Oh my gosh, I'm so happy you enjoyed it so much! 🥰

You can definitely expect more cute Yonghee stories because I have more fluff story ideas with him.

Thank you so much for reading the story and for leaving such a lovely feedback! It means a lot to me. 🥰

Hope you have a lovely day/night!

[joochansimp]

sealed with a kiss | yonghee

you’re a princess and yonghee is part of the royal guard. he has been away for months and you miss him almost too much to bare. every day you worry and hope he comes back from the war in your kingdom. and one day, he does.

tags: fluff, so much fluff, tiny bit of angst, historical au, mentions of light wounds

four months, one week and fifteen days. that’s how long you’ve had to endure without yonghee. it has been the longest four months of your life. even when you were sick with the flu for three weeks, which at the time had felt like a lifetime, hadn’t felt as dreadfully long as this. you know he hadn’t had a choice, that as a part of the royal guard it was his duty to go and do what he does best: take his place as an archer in the army whenever it was needed anywhere in the kingdom. 

as long as the civil war had been going on, he has been gone, and day in day out you are afraid to receive word that he will not come back alive. he had made a promise on the day he left, when you were in your comfortable bed, naked and tangled up in each other, kissing your nose softly as he had whispered that no matter what, he would return to you, safe and sound. you had wanted to believe him. desperately. 

“you worry too much,” he had chuckled softly, lightly pressing his nose against your cheek, something he always did when he wanted a kiss and you weren’t facing him. you had turned to him, a smile on your face that hadn’t reached your eyes. he kissed you then, soft and gentle, yet determined to prove that he meant what he said. sealed with a kiss. 

no one knows how long this war will last, but even if it wasn’t for the fact that you hated being separated from your lover, it breaks your heart that it hasn’t been resolved yet. this is a matter between different civilians, and since your father, the king, can’t let his people ravage each other, he had had no choice but to send the royal guard on a mission to make sure no people would get unnecessarily hurt. it did, however, happen often enough that they needed to step in when a battle would take place. three, so far, you heard. three too many, for many reasons. especially because it put yonghee in danger. 

watching the sunset from the long, slightly arched bridge, you wonder if he is looking up at the sky too. it is painted with pinks and purples, a cloud dotted against the light blue here and there. it is beautiful. almost as beautiful as him, you think to yourself. you would often watch sunsets together, be it in the royal gardens, at the large pond behind the palace or from your balcony. it made his skin glow a stunning gold, a sight that is engraved in your memory, probably forever. 

“how long...” you whisper under your breath, your elbows leaning on the wooden railing of the bridge. “how long before you come back to me.” 

“how about... three seconds?” 

for a moment you think you imagine the familiar voice and you are positive you have gone insane with longing, but a feeling in your gut tells you that this is no hallucination. you quickly turn and see him at the edge of the bridge, a smile spreading onto his lips. he looks rough; his hair is dirty and looks like it hasn’t been washed or combed in days, if not longer. his robes are torn in some places and blood stained and you hope with all your might that it isn’t his blood. his face has smudges of dirt here and there and what looks to be a fresh scar on his brow, but other than that... he looks like the yonghee you know and love. 

you suck in a gasp as you hurry over to him, right into his open arms, and you hug him tighter than you ever have before. he winces lightly but holds you just as tight and you stand there, in each other’s embrace for god knows how long. your eyes are firmly shut, stinging with tears as they trickle down your cheeks, still processing that he is, in fact, back. 

“it’s alright, my love, i am here,” he whispers, one arm wrapped tightly around your waist, while his free hand is in your hair, holding you as close to his chest as possible. “as i promised.”

although yonghee isn’t badly hurt, it is still more than you’d like to see. his eyebrow has already been patched up, most likely over a week old, but he has a bruise on his side that tells you he probably had a broken rib or two. other than that, you have to admit that he is lucky to have gotten away with such light wounds. from what you heard after having gone into the palace with him, there had been nothing short of a blood bath a few days ago. the only good thing about that day, was that the conflict seemed to be resolved now, which is why he had been able to finally come back to the palace. the war is over. 

you sit beside the bathtub in your white underdress as you lightly dab a wet washcloth along yonghee’s cheekbone. he is laying in the bath, his head leaning back on the edge of the tub, his eyes closed and a smile on his face. the water is just the right temperature--not too hot, not too cold--and you take your time washing the grime and dirt off of his body. you had insisted on doing it for him, wanting him to just relax as much as possible now that he was back home. back with you. 

“sit up for me?” you ask, and he cracks open one eye slightly. 

“hmm...” he hums, moving his hand up out of the water and tapping his lips lightly. “i require payment first.”

you scoff and roll your eyes, but you lean in anyway and kiss him softly on his lips, which are soft and freshly cleaned and familiar. the only lips you ever want to kiss. 

“is that payment enough?” you giggle softly when you pull back, and he smiles as he sits up. 

“i’ll be needing some more of those later, as well,” he lets you know as you shift your stool to be positioned behind him and get to work on washing his hair. 

“oh will you now? we’ll see about that,” you say, as though there is any doubt that you would give him anything that he wants at this point. when you’re done washing and rinsing his hair you fetch him a towel. he gets out of the tub, water dripping from his clean body, and you step closer to him, first lightly drying his hair with the towel, then wrapping it around his waist. 

“i should go to war more often if it means you treat me like this, my love,” he smirks down at you before laughing when you playfully slap his chest. 

“don’t even think about it. i’m never letting you leave my sight again,” you tell him firmly, and he kisses your forehead when you wrap your arms around his still wet middle. 

“i know you won’t,” he smiles down at you. 

after drying off, yonghee lies on your bed, a deep sigh leaving his lungs as he finally gets to relax on something that isn’t the floor or a makeshift bed for the first time in months, probably. you insist on putting a soothing balm on his side that should be able to help with the pain, and carefully wrap a bandage around his waist, making sure not to make it too tight. he lets you, knowing it brings you peace of mind to take care of him like this. 

“now come here, princess,” yonghee says, his voice becoming huskier and sleepier, and you know it won’t be long until he falls asleep. you join him in your bed, the sliding doors to your balcony open, letting the summer night’s breeze play with the thin curtains and caressing your body gently. the moonlight falls on his face perfectly and for just a tiny moment, you wonder if this is all just a dream. when he takes your chin in between his thumb and index finger to pull you closer into a kiss, however, you know that this is very much real. 

“thank you,” you whisper against his lips. 

“for what?” yonghee asks. 

“for keeping your promise.”

[ericbrainrot]

"promise that you

won't fall in love

with my brother?"

"i promise i won't,"

in which, you are in love with your best friends brother, but you made a promise that you do not think you can keep.

yoon hyunsuk

he/him

20 years old

college student and model

6'1

yoon hyuna

she/her

20 years old

college student and model

5'7

[your name] [last name]

she/her

20 years old

college student and model

5'9

slight dark themes, mature language, sexual innuendos, slight mature themes.

this is a black!fem!reader book! hyunsuk and hyuna are twins, i decided to make the reader tall because i'm tired of reading about short readers, anyone is welcomed to read. i was debating on making the reader haitian, but i do not know anyone's nationality so yeah! i hope y'all enjoy and STAN CIX! also this story was inspired by an oneshot i read on here, if i can find the link i’ll put it here.

yoon hyunsuk x black!fem!reader

you can find this story on my wattpad

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬: 𝟎𝟎

[foenixs]

MTL have a big dick of cix please🖤🖤

most

Seunghun

Hyunsuk

Jinyoung

Byounggon

Yonghee

least

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seunghun - the only one who gives me true big dick vibes in CIX, and ironically he's the biggest bottom. he would love to get praised for his big cock that can please you so well, since he loves to get used by you, but at the end of the day he wants to end up face down on your mattress as your dick pounds him, so his own size doesn't really matter

Hyunsuk - has a relatively thick dick with average length, but he is so inexperienced and innocent that he doesn't even know it, so whenever you compliment him on his size he just becomes a blushy mess

Jinyoung - his dick is long but pretty thin, but trust and believe he can still please you perfectly well (if he's not thick enough he might add a finger or two). is not ashamed of what he's got, either you take it or you leave it

Byounggon - I think he's slightly below average in length but it still fills your hand nicely and what he doesn't have in length, he makes up for in width (pretty much the exact opposite of jinyoung). is also very shy and insecure and he needs a lot of reassurance to feel confident in what he's got and what he's doing

Yonghee - cute lil dick, but we love him for it. seriously i would just love to lick his small cock and watch him become such a wreck under you from just the tip of your tongue. he would be as red as a tomato if you called it small but he secretly has a thing for being degraded in that way (doesn't realise that it's a compliment in your eyes)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tagging: @edolieeh , @sub-hoshi-enthusiast , @weishinsofficialhypeman , @subbyboyhaven

[soleilsuhh]

— what cix would be like as dads.

« byounggon » the type of dad that is very indulgent - to the point that he might lowkey gets ‘bullied’ by his own child(ren). is a ‘best-friend’ to his kids. also the family’s shoulder to cry on and go-to source for heart-warming pep talks. the type to always tuck them to bed every night — loves watching his kids sleep while grinning like an idiot because he feels like the luckiest person in the world. he always makes sure to give them a ‘good-bye’ kiss on the forehead or top of head before heading out for work. loves talking bragging about his child(ren) to his relatives, friends, and co-works. the type to say “your mom’s gonna kill us both, but me first,” whenever your kids go to him for “favors.” his empathy is one of his biggest strengths; he innately knows when his kids are stressed, angry, or anxious. it’s nearly impossible to ever lie to him. the type of dad that is really nice but the moment he tells them something seriously with a straight face, they would listen and obey immediately.

« seunghun » honestly such a sweet and soft dad, but he would try to appear tough and strong because he has this desire to be the protector of his family and in many ways, he is. he does value discipline and probably assigns chores for your kids to do and then help them out if they ever have problems. the type to sing lullabies to lull his babies to sleep. he takes ‘family time’ seriously and has laid down family traditions such as always having dinner together at least a few days a week or a game night on the weekends. the type to pretend everything is okay in front of his kid(s) because he doesn’t want to worry them, but will never forget to ask how they are. overprotective dad in a sense that he wants to keep them sheltered from the ‘dangers’ and ‘darkness’ of the world as long as he can. he wants to spend as much time with them as possible before they grow up. also dad jokes; so many of them. 

« yonghee » the type to work really hard because he wants to provide the best for his family. a very reliable and attentive dad; the type to make sure that his kids always finish their homeworks and are well-prepared for their exams or any other after-school activities. is actually very supportive and open-minded; he would allow plenty of room for his kid(s) to discover what they’re passionate about. go-to source for practical advice and life advice in general. the type to skip out on night-outs with friends or co-workers to have a family outing instead. the type to let his kids go out and experience things but have curfews and rules; would not hesitate to ground them if they break these rules. gentle but strict would be the perfect description of yonghee as a dad.

« jinyoung » oh, definitely the type who would treat his wife like a queen and his kid(s) like princes/princesses. would probably spoil them as well as bribe them into behaving with gifts or money. he also loves teaching life lessons to his children and i think he would be really good at it. he loves telling his child(ren) bed-time stories and always makes sure to emphasize the lessons at the end of these fairy-tales and stories. also enjoys talking about his own experiences as a way to teach them. might also be kind of mischievous and play little pranks on his kids or plot with them to prank you. generally pretty patient and rarely raises his voice, but also sets healthy and strict boundaries, so usually his kids listen to him at once and knows his cues and looks well enough to know when to stop playing and behave. 

« hyunsuk » the type who believes that kids should be taught responsibility and duty from an early age; he wishes to encourage independence while also setting healthy boundaries. the type to worry a little too much inside while trying to stay calm on the outside; he would probably be really nervous the first time being a dad but that would ease as times goes on. while generally sweet and patient, he wouldn’t show too much affection but cares really deeply inside. the type of dad who would promise he wouldn’t wait up but still does anyway. not the type to be strict or restricting like others but would always be warning them about the consequences of their actions. would definitely have the biggest soft spot for his child(ren). the type to remember and notice little things about his kids; he knows exactly their favorite food, favorite color, artist, movie, piece of clothing, etc, and is fantastic at giving gifts. 

[seunghunney]

‘my darling’

pairing: kim yonghee x you

requested: yes prompt- ‘i love holding you, my darling’ (from prompt list here )

words: 80

masterlist

-

[9:07 am] you woke up to light kisses to your forehead as the sunlight peeked through the curtains. your eyes fluttered opened up to the sight of your sleepy boyfriend, yonghee.

he looked so adorable in his sleepy state, eyes slightly swollen, hair sprawled across the pillow, his face masked a look of adoration whilst his lips held a lazy smile on them.

‘i love holding you, my darling’.

his soft voice sending shivers down your spine. you grabbed his hands that were wrapped around your waist and interlaced your fingers, responding

‘and i love you, my baby’.

[thirstygirlhours]

New blog!

I know it sucks when no one reblogs your fics or you don't get feedback, so this is my sideblog to at least try to help creators 🤷��‍♀️ I don't know I just really like reading fic and want a place to put it

Mostly kpop stuff for now I think

[shwazzberrysbeenreadingfics]

so hot and I loved the ending so so much!!! I especially love the angel concept because Yonghee really is such a fucking angel, ungh thinking of him falling from grace like this....this fic is so good 💖

to fall from grace //

pairing: angel!yonghee x fem!reader

genre: smut, blowjob, unprotected sex, pwp

words: 450

warnings: 18+ content, read at your own discretion

~ requested by anon ~

yonghee was going to hell for this. all he could do now was accept his fate as he indulged in the irresistible pleasure you gave him. from the moment your lips had touched his he knew there was no going back. your intoxicating touch had thrown his self control out the window. now, as he revelled in the sensation of your mouth sucking his cock, he knew he would have to accept his fate without regret.

you were unable to see it. but his wings were spread out wide, grand and oh so majestic. every time he sucked in a sharp breath, one of the million dazzling feathers trickled down, falling into oblivion. it hurt him so much, but the bliss you gave him eased it just a little.

he pulled your mouth off his member, knowing the pain was going to grow more prominent. you needed to give him something stronger. as if you’d understood his thoughts, you angled his tip and your entrance and slowly sunk down on his cock. he winced, a mix of pain and pleasure overtook his body. no one had ever told him what happened when angels lost their divinity. no one had ever returned to tell the tale and he was surely no exception.

your moans sounded like music in his ears, more calming than the harps that frequently played in heaven. as you moved your hips up and down, his wings lost even more feathers than they previously had been. with the growing pain, he also felt intense pleasure. he closed his eyes, concentrating solely on the pleasure. he needed to feel it. he needed to be consumed by it.

yonghee had never asked to be an angel. had he known this was what he was being deprived of, he would have fallen from grace much sooner.

then something magical happened. an overpowering sensation coursed through his veins. he felt like he was flying, despite the heinous state his wings were in. he found himself holding onto your tighter, bucking his hips up into harder as he euphoria clouded his mind.

an excruciating pain followed the heavenly feeling, making him bend over. it felt as though someone had taken two whips to his back. a warm liquid oozed from where his wings connected to his body. he didn’t need to see it to know what it was. he had finally bled. a terrible weakness riddled his veins. suddenly he felt sick.

he wasn’t dying, he knew. if he had been, he wouldn’t be feeling this way. as you continued riding him, Yonghee realised what the price of giving into lust was. he would be stuck in this endless cycle of pain forever.

taglist: @byeongsung | @jayvoir | @jisungismymom | @lqsience | @jakesavocado | @giveortake | @choijwiss | @treasuretaeil | @bts-txt-ateez | @heeslily | @sunoosi | @dong-hyuc | @borrovvedyoongi | @uwusforateez | @haechanswhore | @abdiitcryy | @minspalette | @jjbeansies

[dat-town]

in your eyes, i see another me

Characters: Byounggon & female reader

Setting & genre: angst, hurt/comfort, set in the world of Save Me Kill Me MV

Summary: After 6 years, you come back to Korea and take your sister's place. You discover more secrets than you would have ever thought so. Maybe you didn’t know her as well as you believed.

Warnings: mentions of suicide (Yonghee's), attempted suicide (minor character), bullying, parents' divorce and neglectful behaviour (MC's), deceased parents (not MC's), academic pressure, depression (not MC’s), anti-depressant pills, invasion of privacy (between siblings), arson, theft ‒ if any of these topics are triggering for you, please don’t interact with the fic. if you would like to know what to expect under any warning beforehand, feel free to send me an ask

International suicide hotline: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

Words: 11.9k

Author’s note: Heavily inspired by the CIX story films and Save Me Kill Me MV, so the boys' characters resemble that more than their idol personality. The story takes place in the next school term, which I decided to make the senior year, after the MV's events. According to this, Yonghee's character never wakes up, so this is partly about the aftermath, sorry. Furthermore, the reader’s arc was inspired by the Thai drama called Not Me. No need to know it in order to understand the story but if you do, know that I took the twin thing and ran with it.

Title taken from Ateez’s Dazzling Light.

For @restlessmaknae, sorry for the angst (again) <3 (also it was actually hard to choose a guy for this story because you are soft for all of them but the mv and @lily-blue helped)

You used to have this game with your sister: you switched places and waited how long it took for people to figure it out.

Being identical twins, you looked pretty much the same. Even if your behavior had a stark contrast – where she was sharp and brave, you were timid and careful –, you could deceive people easily. Sometimes even when you looked into the mirror you used to be unsure whether the one you saw was her or you. It was in a way a frail attempt of trying to remember her, trying to imagine how she grew up while you were separated.

The divorce was ugly. Lots of yelling and plate breaking. It was better this way but you didn't expect losing half your family, too. You moved to London with your mom and Jieun stayed in Seoul with your dad, cutting off all contact. You were twelve then.

Eighteen when Jieun jumped from a bridge.

It was the first time you heard your father's voice in the last six years. It was also the first time since their divorce that you heard your mother cry. The next day after the call the two of you got on a plane and within 48 hours, you were back in Korea, back in your childhood room that now had more makeup than teddy bears. Jieun never liked soft things anyway.

She was always tough in your memories yet she looked so vulnerable in the hospital bed, tied to machines, unconscious. You couldn't help but wonder about the reasons. Why would she do such a thing? You had a fairly wealthy family and she was said to be a good student. What could possibly make her do it, to give it all up? You had no idea and it frustrated you to no end. It was like you didn't even know your sister and sadly, it was exactly the case. That last six years put the world between you.

It was an impulse decision, such a Jieun thing to do, when you visited a hairdresser and had your long hair cut shoulder-length like hers with bangs you had never had since you were fourteen. You also went to get your ears pierced and put in one pair of her earrings. You looked the same once again. Your mom almost fainted when she saw what you did. But at least you felt closer to Jieun somehow.

The questions kept you up all night even if you knew you wouldn't get your answers staring at the ceiling of her room. You went through her drawers first then her phone. She had an unanswered call from a boy named Seunghun from the night she had jumped. And a bunch of photos with a group of boys, all wearing the same school uniform as hers. You stared at Jieun's untouched school clothes hanging from her wardrobe door and made your decision.

So far in your senior year, your school in England let you take the classes and tests online, not real time though due to the time zone difference, so you were mostly at home while your parents were either at work or in the hospital. You didn't think they would even notice you leaving. So the next day, you put on Jieun's uniform and name tag, then left for her school.

Korean high school life was both the same and very different from the UK one at the same time. You tried your best blending in. Even more so because you knew that your parents didn't want to shout out to the world what had happened, so the school only knew that Jieun was on sick leave. Divorced parents was enough of a stain on the perfect family picture but a daughter with suicide attempt would have been worse. You thought it was ridiculous, that they were still so afraid of losing face when their daughter was in coma due to the head injury she had. But their arrogance came in handy to you because this way nobody was too shocked to see Jieun – you – back at school so quickly.

"Jieun-ah!" Came the voice from behind and you were so lost in your thoughts, trying hard to not look like a sore thumb sticking out as you were looking for the classroom of 3–2 class, that you forgot that you should have reacted to your sister's name like you did to yours. The boy didn't take it to heart though, he came up to you from behind and threw an arm over your shoulder which made you flinch but he didn't seem to notice that as he smiled down at you brightly under his fluffy hair hanging into his eyes. "Hey, are you feeling better now? Mr. Lee said you were sick but you didn't reply in the groupchat."

Oh the dozens of unread messages on Jieun's phone? You couldn't make yourself read them, not yet. It probably would have been wiser to do so before you walked into the school wearing her name tag but strangely, out of all the things you did, reading over her private messages would have felt the most like invading her privacy.

"Ah, I'm good but my phone seems to be acting up, I need to take it to the service," you lied but tried to make it sound natural and casual but you had a feeling that you sounded a bit nervous. Gosh, Jieun would have never. Hopefully it could be written off as her being sick for a while.

"Oh, okay. I just got worried when I called you and you didn't answer. After what happened with Yonghee last year…" he trailed off and you used his momentary distraction to glance down at his name tag. Kim Seunghun indeed. So he was the one who called Jieun on that day and since he said he was worried, they must have been close.

You had no idea what had happened with that so-called Yonghee though but you couldn't ask about that. It seemed important to Seunghun and you were sure Jieun would have known about it. You made a mental note to look into it but first you had a class and you still didn't find the right classroom.

"Did I miss a lot?" You asked vaguely enough, so the boy could interpret it as in studies or in the previously mentioned group chat too.

"Not really but you should ask Hyunsuk or Byeol for notes if you want them. We all will meet after classes anyways," Seunghun hummed and still with his arm's weight around you, he guided you through the corridors, chatting your ears off about this new choreography his dance class was learning. Huh, pretending to be your sister seemed easier than you thought.

The Korean education system was stricter than the British one you got accustomed to but the hardest part of it was the language. The sinus-cosinus definition wasn't really part of your native language vocabulary that you used with your mom while being abroad. The teacher wasn’t so supportive either, you got reprimanded for not catching up quick enough after your sick leave. Jeez, did they think you were machines, all fine after rebooting? You clenched your hand into a fist, suppressing the urge to yell at her that Jieun was in a freaking coma because she had tried to take her own life and the homework was all she cared about? You had been brought close to tears just by the reminder of what happened to your sister but nobody cared. The teacher called out another student’s name and you cast your eyes down, feeling the weight of Seunghun’s worried gaze on you. He didn’t say anything even if he thought that you were acting out of character.

“Jieun-ah! I’m so glad you’re back,” Thin arms embraced you tighter than you would have expected from them when you got up from your desk after the torturous Maths class. You peeked down at the petite girl with long hair and reserved smile as she stepped back. Behind her stood the tallest boy of the class, a lopsided smile playing on his lips shyly. “I should have sent you the schoolwork material but you went MIA and we didn’t know when you would be back.”

“Her phone broke,” Seunghun piped in as he slid to sit on your – Jieun's – desk, the casual familiarity of the action making your thoughts run wild. Jieun seemed to have close, good friends yet none of them seemed to be aware of her struggles. Just what exactly was she going through?

Hyunsuk and Byeol were a funny couple. You weren’t sure they were official per se but they were practically attached by the hip and while they weren’t touchy or anything like that, the boy looked at the girl as if she hung the stars and all. He even gave her his strawberries from his tray during lunch break claiming that he didn’t crave anything sweet at that moment. Byeol was less obvious but she looked overly fondly at him whenever he did something slightly embarrassing or said something funny. It was cute.

The rest of the school day wasn't too interesting but after meeting the couple and also sharing lunch period with them, you wondered who else Seunghun meant when he had said that you would meet the others after school. You thought back on the group picture you saw on your sister's phone. They all wore the same uniform, so they must have gone to this school too but not all of them were in this class apparently because you haven't seen other familiar faces yet. You packed your bag slowly, following Seunghun's lead when the group left the classroom after your last History class for the day. When you ended up in front of the door of the Film Club, you were rather surprised because you had no idea Jieun was into movies. Maybe you would have expected more movie posters in her room than indie punk rock band merch then. Just how much you didn't know about her?

Seunghun opened the door and acknowledged the presence of somebody inside with a nod. You gulped as you stepped inside, trying not to be too obvious about never having been at that place by looking around too much. It was a cozy little space but your gaze settled on the boy sitting on the worn couch. His uniform's necktie was loosened but his name tag was still neatly attached, so you could catch his name. Bae Jinyoung.

At your arrival the boy looked up from his phone, his expression stern and neutral, his gaze lingering on you longer than the rest of the guys before turning back to whatever he was doing before. You glanced down at his hand holding the device, at his knuckles that were scarred and red. You soon learned though that he wasn't the most troublesome-looking member of your current company. The winner of that title came in late, wearing a black hoodie instead of his uniform jacket, clicking a lighter in his hand, his dark gaze unwavering when he saw you.

"Ran out of eyeliner today or what?" He scoffed and needless to say, you were shocked by his first words at you. Did he know? That you weren't Jieun? Just because of your makeup?

"Not your business," you rolled your eyes at him, trying to channel your inner savage based on your father's descriptions on your sister's 'rebellious phrase' and it was probably believable and Jieun-like enough that the boy just plopped down by the coffee table, leaning against a shelf without saying anything more.

Who the heck was he anyways? Maybe you really should have read over your sister's chat history to know how to act with all these people. You only guessed how Jieun was now based on what you remembered  from 6 years ago and what your father said about her behavior from before the incident. Hopefully she didn't have any secret boyfriend you should have known about because you didn't even consider that possibility. You didn't wish to deceive somebody so close to her. In retrospect, it might have been a crazy idea to even try to figure out what had happened to her by being literally in her shoes instead of asking around about her but people tended to be wary of strangers, and you didn't want to waste your time with gaining others' trust.

"Gunhee and his minions still bother the freshmen. I saw them pour the contents of a lunch tray on one of them yesterday. I guess we need something more memorable than destroying their property that can be bought with daddy's money. Any ideas?" Seunghun started off and you tried to school your expression into a less confused one than how you felt. Wait, wasn't it a film club?

"I say we should hit them where it hurts them. Especially Gunhee. He's their leader, without him, Botong and Woobin wouldn't do anything," Jinyoung noted and everybody hummed in agreement. You obviously had no idea whom they were talking about.

"What about taking Gunhee's expensive Swiss or whatever watch? He's so proud of it," the boy whose name you didn't know grimaced in disgust and this time you couldn't stop yourself from speaking up.

"But that's theft."

The boy's sharp, dark eyes laser focused on you. But not only his. You could feel everybody's gaze on you.

"I'm aware, Miss Dictionary," the guy in the hoodie rolled his eyes, his tone condemning. "What? Pouring bleach on Wonhee's hair was okay but theft is suddenly not?"

Oh that sounded like an accusation. Did Jieun really do that? Either way you raised your chin and stood by your standpoint.

"Theft is illegal and if they are rich enough, they can get you into serious trouble. Expelling you from school is the least," you tried to talk some sense into the guy and looked around to see if anybody would support your point but you could only catch a glance of Hyunsuk and Byeol exchanging a glance.

"If they know that it was me. We never got caught before," the boy kept going and the realization that they were doing things like this for quite some time based on his words messed with your head. Just what kind of friends had your sister gotten herself? Just what kind of things had  she done that led her to jump into the cold water of Han river?

"I'm just saying it's too risky and has a low impact. Even if it's a fancy watch, he can probably get another after a slap from his father," you claimed because you might not have known these students but bullies and rich kids were the same everywhere.

"Do you have a better idea then?" The rude guy challenged you and shit, you didn't think that ahead. Or at all.

"Byounggon…" Seunghun put a hand on his friend's shoulder. Probably he could feel the tension in the air too and bless him, he wanted to help. "She's right. It's nothing we didn't do before."

"Let's catch them in the act. Record it and send it in to the school committee," you suggested but of course, the other boy was quick to call you out on your naivety.

"You know that wouldn't change a bit. They would bury the case. Gunhee's father is an honorable donor to the school's trust fund.

"Then let's humiliate them in public. Post the video online. They couldn't bury that," you retorted, sliding your gaze from one boy to another when the so-called Byounggon didn't object.

"I like it," Byeol broke the silence quietly and apparently being a petty loser when it came to arguments, the hoodied guy pushed himself off the ground and stormed out of the room.

"Don't worry about him. He will cool down soon," Hyunsuk said seeing your dumbfounded reaction and you wondered if every meeting was like this for them. What kind of club was this exactly? Revenge Rangers of what?

After the adrupt leave of the guy, the others discussed where would be the best idea to catch the bullies red handed but you only paid attention partly. Your mind was too busy processing all the information about Jieun's friends. No wonder Seunghun, who seemed to be the closest to her, noticed that something was up with you.

"You were quiet today," he spoke up, not accusatory, just kind of worried, as you walked out of the building, backpack on one shoulder. Funny because you didn't feel like you were quiet at all, you had never been so argumantive. Was it an every day thing for Jieun?

You couldn't look the boy in the eye as you shrugged it off.

"I still feel a bit off," you quickly made up a lie, hoping that it was believable enough and luckily the boy didn't stick to the topic.

"I will walk you to the bus stop," he said instead and you were grateful for his consideration even though you knew it wasn't directed at you. Nothing they did was, it was all for Jieun.

You were doing everything for her too.

As expected, your parents were too busy to notice that you slipped away during the day and even if they did, they didn't ask about it. The deeper you dug into Jieun's life, the more you felt like you didn't even know her. Sure 6 years was a lot but still. Even the rude guy was right. Based on her pictures, Jieun liked to apply a thicker eyeliner with dark smokey eyeshadow lightly enough to get away with the school policy probably. So you adjusted.

You also caught up a bit on her recent messages with the group, trying to find something, any clue about what she could struggle with and to not give yourself away. Seunghun seemed like a constant in her life, they texted a lot, him always checking in on her. She also talked a lot to Byeol and Hyunsuk. Her last conversation with Byounggon was months ago, him asking where the hell she was but it was left on read. While searching for Jinyoung's contact in the app, you stumbled upon Jieun's conversation with Yonghee dated back late last year, her frantic last messages still unread.

can we talk? yonghee please i'm sorry

It took a simple search on the school website to figure out that Yonghee was a boy in Jinyoung's class. Or used to be. The tragic news of his suicide were more hidden as if the school or somebody tried to cover it up. Yonghee's father was a political figure, so it must have been a sensitive topic. Could that be the reason behind his actions? Could it be behind Jieun's?

You knew that academic pressure was intense in Korea but it must have been even more overbearing if one was born into a family of high esteem, since they couldn't allow themselves to lose face after all. On top of that, was Yonghee bullied too? The others had never said anything but they seemed to be very pissed at bullies, it would have made sense, doing this revenge plot. Yonghee seemed happy in the videos you found after all. But it was easy to only see only one side of the story when somebody was trying to hide the other.

The next time you met Byounggon, he acted like he was looking for trouble.

You were by the standees next to the school's basketball field, texting your mom about going home late because you needed to check something out in a local library for homework. You didn't think anybody would be around there but apparently you were wrong.

“What do you need two phones for?” The guy grumbled at you, hopping down next to you on the bench, eyeing the iPhone in your hands as if it personally offended him. At first you wanted to tell him that he remembered wrong, you only had one phone but it would have been a hard pass because he could have asked any of the guys who had seen you use Jieun's Samsung even that day.

“My phone has been acting up lately, remember? This is my backup,” you tried to make it sound convincing but it didn't matter. The guy still crunched his nose in disgust.

“Rich people things,” he muttered under his nose, disdaining and you wondered whether he was like this to your sister, too. Based on their scarce messaging, probably. What was his problem anyway?

“Why does it matter to you?” You huffed, not really getting why he had to make these kinds of comments. For real, did he walk up to you just to point out your phone?

“It doesn't,” he rolled his eyes, sliding backwards to balance himself on his elbows, looking up at the sky before closing his eyes. You used this chance to let your gaze linger over his always stern features and his black hair brushed out of his face. That day he didn't wear his hoodie, but his tie was loosened and his uniform was crumpled.

“Don't you have class?” You blurted out and the guy peeked at you, narrowing his eyes.

“I could ask the same.”

Well, he could. You would have had PE but you managed to get away with claiming you weren't feeling well and the teacher sent you to the infirmary. You needed time to work on your Literature essay for your home school back in the UK before you failed because you spent too much time digging into your sister's life.

“I wasn't feeling well. I guess the teacher didn't want me to faint during running laps,” you shrugged, getting better at lying. It wasn't a skill you should have been proud of but maybe Jieun would have been. Not that she would have been too happy about discovering that you pretended to be her. But you would have cared about that when she woke up. You would have taken any scolding happily if that happened. When, you reminded yourself, not if. “What's your excuse?”

“I'm just not feeling like it.”

So he was skipping class too. You wondered how often he did. Whether he didn't care about acing the CSATs and getting into a good university at all. Or maybe he just gave up, knowing he couldn't afford tuition and that's why he hated rich people so vehemently.

The next thing you went through among Jieun's things were her wardrobe's hidden or stacked compartments. That's how you found the bottle of pills labeled neatly, half-empty.

"Did you know that Jieun took anti-depressants?" You brought it up at the already awkward family dinner that night, the silence following your words was astonished.

"What? That's ridiculous," your father scoffed but it wasn't laughable in your opinion. Nor something that should have been brushed off. Especially because you knew that mental health wasn't an as accepted topic in Korea as in the UK.

So you looked up the doctor who prescribed the pills and booked a session under your sister's name. She welcomed you with a kind smile and understanding eyes, she asked how you were coping. It wasn't even a lie when you told her that everything was a bit too much.

"Did you think about what I asked last time? What do you have to live for?" She asked and you felt your heart churn. Maybe Jieun really had had enough.

It was an interesting session: trying to act and think like your sister while answering deep, thought-provoking questions about things you had no idea of. At one point you wanted nothing more than to cry and admit what you were doing and why or how worried you were about Jieun but in the end, it still felt like it helped. Talking to somebody about Jieun's situation, even if you didn't get to know much more about it.

But when you were about to leave, the psychologist called after you.

"Is Jieun okay?" She asked, firm but not unkind, no malice or anger in her voice.

"Did you…" You blinked, surprised, but it made sense. If she was good at her job, she must have seen the differences in your mannerism and reactions. You wondered when she realized you weren't your sister.

"She told me about you, you know. She missed you," the psychologist said and you felt tears well up in your eyes.

"I missed her too," you admitted, a little fragile sound in the back of your throat. "She jumped from the Mapo Bridge two weeks ago, she's in hospital."

Saying it out loud made it so real and yet, it felt somehow deliberating that somebody other than your parents knew who you really were. That you could talk about Jieun with somebody like this.

"Did she really want to die?" You found yourself asking, a part of you afraid of the answer.

"She felt guilty for a lot of things. She wasn't as strong as she made herself seem but she didn't want her friends and family to know," the woman said in an understanding, emphatic tone and you wondered just how many things Jieun was hiding.

You thought you would feel closer to her if you went to Mapo, but you only had more questions. Standing by the railing of the bridge, you watched as the waves washed the shore quietly. On the way, you had walked by an emergency phone booth for people thinking of suicide and you wondered why your sister hadn't reached out. Why didn't she tell anybody that she had been struggling? The psychologist's words rang in your ear: she didn't want them to know. But still, why jumping? She had those prescribed pills, she could have painlessly overdosed herself if she really wanted to, why this? Did she want to give herself a chance to survive? Or was it just a sudden decision? Was it because of Yonghee? You thought of her last texts to him. Was she feeling guilty towards him too?

There was another thing that the psychologist said that made you think. Was the reason why she could tell the difference between you that she knew that Jieun had a twin sister to begin with? Maybe pretending to be her was only easy at school because nobody knew about you? Who would have guessed after all that you were a secret twin just because you acted a bit differently? Not even the teachers nagged you about the change in your test results. You aced English but sucked at Korean Literature and History. Everything else was mostly okay because science and Maths couldn't really have been taught differently. It was only temporary, you told yourself, it wasn't like you were going to take the CSATs instead of Jieun too.

Not how you took her place in this group of hers. The Film Club was just an excuse to get together because the closest you got to anything relevant was Jinyoung showing a recording through his phone's cracked screen about one student shoving others out of his way. It was shaky and taken from farther away but it showed just enough to know where it was taken and what was happening. Still, you knew that this much wouldn't do much. Gunhee's behavior would have been written off as rude but not as a bully.

"It won't be enough to convince people," you murmured and even though everybody must have known that, you were the scapegoat for saying it out loud.

"What? You want us to film when he kicks and hits kids for fun and do nothing just to have video evidence?" Byounggon snapped at you, his face distorted with disdain. As you glanced at him you saw something else there too though: guilt.

“Well, it's not like we would find any CCTV recordings now, would we?” You asked, keeping eye contact with him. Of course, you didn’t want any of you to just be bystanders and watch bullying happen, but you wanted to stay realistic and you knew that in a world where money and power talked, something like this wouldn’t have been enough, it would have gotten buried.

"And whose idea was the whole thing to begin with?" The guy retorted and seriously, you had no idea whether he had a problem with your sister, you or the whole world but his snarky comments bugged you.

"Wait…" Jinyoung interrupted, louder than he usually did, before you could have spoken up and potentially escalated the situation. Everybody turned to the boy because it was rare that he spoke with such vehemence and urgency. "Their phones… I had seen them record things before."

You felt dread spread in your body as you imagined just what kind of videos those could be. You watched Jinyoung closely, the way his hands were in fists, knuckles turning white and wondered, just what he could have seen.

The others were shaken up a bit as well.

“I’m sure they are sharing it in their disgusting group chat,” Byeol muttered.

“That’s messed up,” her boyfriend agreed but it was Seunghun who eventually threw in the idea:

“So… are we stealing a phone?”

Yep, you were planning to steal a phone. If only your parents knew what you were up to! If Jieun knew…

It was easier said than done because it wasn’t enough to take a phone. You needed it unlocked and preferably without anybody noticing that it was gone at least for a while, so you would get away with it the easiest. But Gunhee and his minions were going everywhere like a pack, it was hard to find them alone and unsuspecting, so you were over some unsuccessful attempts when the guys started to get restless and annoyed. You were afraid that one of them would do something rash and stupid, so you told them you would approach this thing differently. The bullies might not have trusted you knowing whom you were friends with and how vocal they and Jieun had been against them but boys were boys at the end of the day and if you implied that you liked them, their pride might have overshadowed their judgment. You just needed to ask to exchange numbers or KKT contact after all to have their phone in your hands, easy peasy. But Byounggon called your plan stupid and Seunghun looked at you with worry written all over his features as if they hadn’t put themselves in the crossfire with their previous attempts. Like Jinyoung who almost got into detention because of it.

"Is he… okay?" You asked later when it was just the two of you with Seunghun, tentatively.

Jinyoung clearly wasn't okay but you didn't know how to phrase it better. The dancer boy seemed to understand it though.

"Not really. Not since what happened with Yonghee," he said and despite still not knowing what exactly happened to their friend, it would have been too suspicious to ask now.

It was already too late to reveal the truth without burning the bridges behind you. But the more and more time you spent with them, the more guilty you felt whenever you lied to them. Like when you told Seunghun you didn’t take your usual bus because you headed in a different direction for your dental check up when in reality you went to visit Jieun.

You sat by her bed and held her hand. You whispered promises like that you wouldn’t mind if her friends hated you after they found out about the truth or even if she wouldn’t forgive you, you wouldn’t care if only she woke up. You had missed 6 years already, you didn’t want to miss more. You wanted to be there for her, so she wouldn’t feel so alone ever again to feel like she didn’t have any other choice but jump. You promised you would go against your parents if they wanted to separate you once again. You wouldn’t leave her alone, not again.

You stayed in the hospital until a nurse kindly sent you away and even then you weren’t ready to go home yet. There were days when it hit you that a tragedy (an almost tragedy) had to happen, so you would come back and it just didn’t feel right, without Jieun at the dinner table.

It was while you wandered around the neighborhood when you heard the angry yelling, a man threatening to call the cops and the next moment you saw a flash of somebody run past you and it was only because you had spent so much time around him lately that you recognized him in his signature hoodie over his school uniform right away. You didn’t really think, you didn’t really have the time, you acted on impulse as you ran after him and catching up, you grabbed him by the wrist to pull him into the first 24/7 corner convenience store you saw.

Panting, you crouched down behind one of the shelves before getting a good look at Byounggon’s bruised face.

“Just what have you been getting yourself into?” You questioned but probably your worry came across as an accusation because the boy’s only answer was to yank his arm out of your hold and sit down on the ground with his back to the fridge on the other side.

No matter how hard you watched him, you couldn’t tell if he was more angry, annoyed or embarrassed, so you decided not to push the topic. Sighing, you got up, made sure nobody was looking outside of the store's glass walls before picking up two cups of noodles, sausage, cheese and hard boiled eggs and went to the counter to pay.

Without saying anything you dropped a few items into Byounggon’s lap when you were done and walked to the dining-in part of the store to pour hot water over your noodles and started packing out at one of the plastic tables. Soon enough, the grumpy guy joined you as well, sitting across from you, putting down his own steaming cup of ramen.

“Did you cry?” He grunted out and you had the urge to laugh because if this was his idea of small talk or thank you, he was doing it wrongly. But still, since he noticed your puffy eyes, you automatically reached to wipe down any possible remnants of tears.

“No,” you objected poorly, not liking to cry in front of anybody.

Byounggon didn't call you out on your bullshit though, just shrugged and muttered something under his breath about you looking okay without the eyeliner too. You huffed out a laugh at the absurdity of his comment but felt a bit lighter after.

Clearly, you both had things you didn’t want to talk about, so you didn’t exchange any words while you waited for your noodles to soften and even then, when you both dived into the spicy hot late night meal of yours, chit-chatting wasn’t really among your plans. There was enough casual intimacy in sharing a meal. But the moment you slurped on your ramen, the flavourful taste startled you which obviously didn't go unnoticed by the boy.

"What? Does it not appease your rich taste?" He huffed but you were too baffled by the amazing taste to take offense in his tone.

"No, god, I missed convenience store food!" You admitted excitedly like a child, diving back into your instant ramen with the melted cheese and egg on top. Your mom never let you eat this kind of ‘junk food’, so it felt a bit like rebellion doing something like this behind her back but thinking about it, lately you had done worse things she wouldn't have been proud of.

Byounggon seemed a bit surprised but he didn’t make any more comments and continued eating instead but you didn’t forget his comment while devouring your new favorite guilty pleasure.

"Why are you so obsessed with my family's financial background anyway?"

"I'm not obsessed," the guy rolled his eyes and bit some off his sausage.

"Sure, you just like to point it out whenever you have a chance,” you reminded him and even though you knew that you didn’t owe him anything, you had enough of him acting like you were some spoiled princess. Sure, your family might have been privileged because you didn’t struggle financially but money couldn’t solve everything. “You know that I can't change that, right? What family I was born into. And it's not like it's picture perfect. My parents got divorced when I was 12 and I haven't seen my sister in 6 years, so whatever idea you have about it, it's not like that," you blurted out a bit more vehemently than you intended to before turning back to your food.

"I didn't know you had a sibling," he said, quietly. Out of all things he could comment on he chose this. But this confirmed your theory: the reason why Jieun’s friend didn’t even suspect you must have been because they didn’t even know you existed.

"Yeah, well, sometimes it feels like I don't," you muttered, casting your eyes down as you went back to slurp your noodle.

You weren’t sure what but something shifted between you and Byounggon after that night. He wasn’t so quick to make comments on you or your ideas but it didn’t mean that he didn’t nose into your business. If anything, suddenly he was everywhere.

You usually ate at the canteen with Seunghun, Hyunsuk and Byeol, sometimes joined by Jinyoung but never Byounggon. Now he put his tray at the end of your table more often than not. Even Seunghun notices that you didn’t argue that much.

“You know, you got somehow less reckless. Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing. You and Byounggon were always like fire and gasoline, a dangerous duo, always overbidding each other with crazy ideas. Now, it's almost like you can control his flamboyance with rationality," he told you and even though you didn’t feel like you could control the other guy at all, it was an interesting insight.

Was Jieun really like that? So hot-headed? Was that why Seunghun was constantly worried about her or was that because he knew that she put up a front? It was clear that he was the closest to Jieun of the group but you couldn’t be sure just how close. The boy had never implied that they were ever more than friends nor acted suggestively at all but still, sometimes when he looked at you ‒ at Jieun ‒ you couldn’t help but wonder if there was more to know.

But your head was already a mess with all the things going on with your sister, the bullies and Byounggon’s weird behavior. You didn’t want to add more to the pile. You were already too distracted as is, enough to get knocked out by a dodgeball the next time your grade had PE together. You only remember lying on the ground, looking up at the sky, other students hovering over you.

“Hey, are you ok?” Byounggon shook your shoulder and despite feeling dizzy, you tried to nod. He didn’t look convinced. “I will take you to the infirmary.”

“Don’t,” Seunghun brushed his hand off you. “I will take her.”

Next time you woke up, it was already late. The sky was dark outside of the window and the only light inside was provided by the yellow lamps in the infirmary room. It was quiet and empty, except for Seunghun dozing off in a chair next to your bed. You pushed yourself up into a sitting position, wincing when you touched a bruise you acquired during the fall. Maybe that was what brought back the boy to reality because he immediately rushed to your side, worried.

“Are you up? How do you feel?”

“As if I slept the day away,” you shrugged. You weren’t really in pain or tired but you still felt a bit sleepy. Hearing that, Seunghun sighed, relieved.

“The school nurse said that it’s unlikely that you got a concussion from that. You should get some rest, ice the bump and go to a hospital if you feel dizzy or nauseous,” he told you and offered a hand as you were getting out of the bed but you didn’t feel weakened, so you didn’t need his support no matter how much you appreciated his help.

“I should change,” you said since you were still in your PE clothes and you had the rest of your stuff in the girls’ dressing room or the classroom. Seunghun offered to get your bag while you put your uniform back on, so you agreed to meet in front of the changing rooms.

When you switched on the lights inside, you immediately noticed that something was off. On the metal locker in which you had previously put your clothes, there was a writing scribbled with red lipstick. It was smudged but there was no mistake in what it was supposed to be: bitch.

You furrowed your brows, not understanding where this suddenly came from. What had you or Jieun done that resorted somebody else to such means? Did Jieun have enemies? It was all too sudden after weeks of radio silence, so you tried to ignore it as you put back on your clothes and closed the locker. You didn’t say anything about it to Seunghun when he waited for you with your bag in hand.

“Thanks,” you smiled at him, grateful, and fished your phone out of the inner pocket. One glance at the screen was enough to know that the atmosphere at home wouldn't be great. You had missed dinner without telling your mother in advance after all. Or maybe they got a call from the school that something had happened with Jieun. One option was worse than the other.

"I need to go, mom wants me home," you excused yourself without thinking, turning to leave only for light fingers to circle around your wrist, keeping you in place. You looked back at Seunghun with furrowed brows, his expression just as confused.

"Your mom?" He asked, tentative and worried. Your heartbeat picked up its speed as you realised your mistake. Shit. "Is she back?"

With how close they were, you weren’t surprised that the boy knew about how, for Jieun, your mother was out of the picture, so no wonder he was surprised but honestly, after everything you had learned about her, you weren’t sure you knew how your twin sister would have reacted to your mother being back for a while. Because it was all temporary, you reminded yourself.

“Yeah. She has something to do in the city,” you shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, as if you didn’t just drop a totally cover-blowing information.

“So… she won’t stay?” Seunghun asked so softly as if he was fearing that his question could hurt you and once again, you were grateful that your sister had friends like him who cared about her like this.

“I don’t think so,” you shook your head and saw something painful flash in the boy’s warm brown eyes, so you reached out to squeeze his hand. “It’s okay. I’m okay,” you reassured him, not knowing if you were actually comforting him or yourself.

It happened so fast. You still hadn’t come up with a new plan about how to have proof about the main bullies of the school when you found yourself in the middle of a situation.

You ran into Byounggon and Jinyoung by one of the benches near the canteen and sat at their table. Before you would have never done that without Byeol or Seunghun beside you but the others were busy and by now you weren’t afraid that any of the boys would corner you with doubtful questions. Jinyoung acknowledged your presence with a brief glance then he turned back to his food, Byounggon on the other hand kept his eyes on you. Did you forget the eyeliner or did he find something else off? Either way, he didn’t comment on it and you all ate in silence.

Then you heard metal clattering on the floor and laughter that erupted somewhere further in the back. You were on your feet right away but the boys were quicker, so you could only follow them. Of course it was Gunhee and his gang. Girls and boys alike laughed over how one of their classmates fell, dropping his tray.

“You should have paid more attention. I can put my leg wherever I want to, can’t I?” Gunhee tsked as if it wasn’t his fault or intention. You stood there frozen, not sure how the situation would unfold with so many people watching but not daring to interrupt. You were all bystanders one way or another. Whenever people were watching but didn’t do anything it was partly their fault too. But you couldn’t blame them, not really, because they had their own reasons for not acting up: out of fear or because one wasn’t supposed to be nosy, not in a society like yours that depended on hierarchy like it was law written in stone.

“Come on, say sorry,” the guy cooed at his victim, kicking his tray even further away, his expensive sneakers smeared with the lunch. The kneeling boy in front of him stuttered out sorrys but apparently that wasn’t enough. “What was that? I didn’t quite hear you,” he pushed more and leaning down, he grabbed the boy by the hair.

That was when Jinyoung snapped. He bolted from by your side and grabbed Gunhee by his collar, pushing him against the table, pieces of metals making cacophony. You wanted to go there and pull him back, explaining that violence shouldn't have been the solution but instead you rushed to the boy on the ground and helped him up. He was too embarrassed to look you in the eyes and he quickly brushed your helping hands off him too before hurrying away.

Beside you there was chaos. The popular girls, like that Wonhee Jieun apparently had beef with, were either screaming or leaving but Jinyoung and Byounggon were fighting with Gunhee and his minions, punches thrown and kicks exchanged. It was two against five, they stood no chance. That’s why you ran to get a teacher to stop the fight even if it meant that all of you ended up in front of the teachers’ room after everybody on the scene was questioned in private, waiting for the verdict over the case of ‘unacceptable violence’.

“Everybody can leave except for Bae Jinyoung and Lee Byounggon,” the teacher who showed up claimed and from the bench across you Gunhee scoffed as if it was expected.

“Why can they just leave?” You stood up, confused, not reacting to the all too smug smile the bully guy flashed at you as he passed by you.

“Other than you, nobody thinks that Gunhee did anything to trigger your friends’ aggressive behavior and the other involved student you mentioned also said they were just joking around,” the teacher explained, tired and didn’t even give you a chance to retort before turning to the boys. “You two get a week of suspension. Be grateful that Gunhee’s mother didn’t insist on a harsher punishment.”

“But‒” You wanted to protest, to yell, to do anything because it was so unfair, it felt like a punch. Now you were feeling on your skin how much injustice it could cause when you went against powerful people who had the money and influence to have their way.

“Leave it,” Byounggon told you firmly and grabbed you by the wrist to hold you back from going after the teacher.

You couldn’t believe that both of them were so resigned, willing to go down without fighting. Were they tired of it, always being pushed down by people on the top? Were they giving up? You found yourself looking down at the boy with pleading eyes because they couldn’t do that, not now, but he just stared back at you, the corner of his lips lifting and he pulled out a phone from his hoodie’s pocket. It definitely wasn’t his  because it was a new model and not to mention an iPhone for which he had practically called you a snob before.

“You got it!” You whisper-yelled, suddenly excited and feeling accomplished. Byounggon nodded at you and just held out the phone to Jinyoung who didn’t seem surprised at all, as if it was their plan from the beginning.

“I’ll leave first,” the other guy said after pocketing the phone. Neither of them seemed too upset over the week long suspension even though with the approach of the exams, they probably should have. But the phone and the videos on it mattered more than grades, the untold stories of hurt and the ugly reality. If it was revealed and the bullies were accordingly punished, maybe the victims could feel at least a bit at ease. You hoped at least.

You would have thought that Byounggon would walk away similarly too but instead, he turned to you, something serious you couldn't quite place written on his face.

"Wanna skip class with me?" He asked and you furrowed your brows, ready to protest but then realized that due to the whole incident it was already twenty minutes into your Maths class. You shrugged but followed the boy nevertheless.

You thought that he would go off school grounds since he was suspended anyways but instead he led you to the teachers' smoking area balcony on the third floor and beckoned you towards the ladder resting across the building's wall. You furrowed your brows, not sure that going up to the rooftop wasn't against some kind of rule but didn't say anything. You have broken enough rules for the day, one more couldn't have hurt.

You were climbing up the steps, taking Byounggon's outreached hand when you reached the top, barely noticing how his touch lingered when you saw the scenery. Everything around you seemed so small, so unimportant, it put life into a different perspective.

"Wow," you breathed, wandering farther ahead.

"I know, right? It's pretty cool," the boy behind you hummed. "I kept thinking why Yonghee chose this place to jump from. But after all, it was this school that killed him."

You froze in place, suddenly trembling despite the warm breeze in the air. The boy didn't seem to notice as he sat down on the ground and lied down to watch the cloudy sky.

"Sometimes we keep doing things that's killing us," he added and you couldn't help but glance at him then, the blooming bruise on his cheek, the firm line of his lips. "Did you know that my father died from smoking? I was fourteen."

He didn't expect an answer as he took out the lighter he always played with. Your heart churned at the sight.

"Do you miss him?" You asked, gently, not pushing. You wanted to reach out and hold his hand, reminding him that he wasn't alone.

"Yeah," he whispered, a heavy word on such a sharp tongue. He turned to you, head tilted, his fringe messy against his forehead but eyes so so clear. "Do you miss your mom?"

You needed a beat to realize that he asked about your mother because of Jieun. Of course, he did.

"I do," you echoed, because your sister must have missed your mother the same way you missed your father. It wasn't the same as him though, at least they were alive and yet, that somehow hurt more that they willingly decided to stay out of your lives.

"You know…" Byounggon started as he sat up, quiet like he was sharing a secret, his eyes boring into yours. "I wish you had come into my life sooner."

You blinked slowly, throat dry and heart beating like a drum. You couldn't look away from the intensity of Byounggon's eyes, his words hanging between you like a thread that binded. Your breath hitched as he inched closer.

You thought of his outstretched hand, of him getting you napkins at the convenience store, of throwing back the paper spitball that was thrown at you in the canteen,  telling you that you looked okay without makeup too, of him holding you gently, insisting to take you to the infirmary… but no, it all wasn't for you. He believed you were Jieun, all of them did.

The realization once again felt like a slap that even if he liked you, he didn't like you for you but for being Jieun. Their constant banter must have been their version of flirting.

You were too busy living your sibling's life to realize your own feelings, that the reason why it felt like ache in your chest was because you actually started to feel like you belong in this group, you started trying too hard to act like your sister because they accepted you like this. Seunghun noticed the change, so they all must have. Didn't Byounggon?

You turned your head before he could have closed the distance between you and let out a shaky breath. You could feel his breath against your cheek, warm, and then when he pulled away, it hurt even more but you couldn't do that to Jieun. You couldn't do that to him. It wouldn't have been fair to any of you.

Just then the school bell rang in the distance and in its echo, your (Jieun's) phone buzzed, Seunghun's name on the screen. You took it without thinking, needing any distraction you could get.

"Hey, I heard what happened. Where are you? Are you okay?" The boy asked, worried probably because you didn't show up for class.

"Yeah I'm good, I'm with Byounggon," you replied, fingernails digging into the cement under you. You could tell Seunghun tried not to sound disappointed when you mentioned the other boy but right then it was too much, so you just told him you would go to your next class, not to worry about you. It also gave you a valid reason to leave.

"I have to go," you excused yourself once you disconnected the call and Byounggon didn't try to stop you as you stood up.

"When will you stop lying?" He asked suddenly though and his voice was thunder in the quiet.

You forgot to breathe for a moment and you stared back at him with widened eyes. You expected him to be fierce and mad since for the first time he actually had a valid reason to dislike you. But you looked him in the eyes, dark as always and somehow this time it was softer. There was some kind of understanding in it. He usually had so much pent up anger at the world and guilt to deal with. You assumed that his clear dislike towards your financial status had come from the latter. Or maybe he just needed an outlet for his anger and your sister's personality provided him the perfect banter to de-stress.

"What?" You asked, dumbfounded, fearing but not sure that he actually figured out the truth about your real self. Would he have looked at you like this if he had done? Would he have confronted you before telling all your... his friends about you or even the whole school?

Byounggon sighed, his gaze never wavering.

"You are not Jieun," he said, certain, and your heart was beating in your chest like crazy. You wanted to object out of reflex but at the same time you didn't want to keep lying anymore. He didn't even let you. "The Jieun I know is reckless, acts first, thinks later. The Jieun I know hates her mom for leaving her and has a scar on her arm from when we got into a fight one time. The Jieun I know would have slapped me if I tried to kiss her."

Your breath hitched at the last part but you tried not to get fixated on the detail that he even mentioned that. You had bigger problems to take care of. 

"When did you figure it out?"

"You have been suspicious for a while. Suddenly you were more naive and cursed under your nose in English but I became sure that something was off when you fainted during PE. The lack of scar confirmed it."

If he had a hunch ever since then that it meant that when he was going to kiss you... he really meant to kiss you, not Jieun and yet, he had never said anything. Was he waiting for you to reveal yourself? Is that why he brought you there, why he told you about his father, why he tricked you to talk about your mom?

"So... who are you? The sibling I guess. Twin?" He asked and it would have made no sense to deny it further, so you nodded. "Where is Jieun? I doubt you are reenacting The Parent Trap."

You wanted to snort at his mention of the old Lindsay Lohan movie and wished that was the case. You never planned to tell them this way but he had the right to know, so you bit the bullet and told him about what happened in the simplest terms you could manage:

"She is at a hospital. She jumped from the Mapo Bridge. That's when my mom and I came back to Seoul last month."

"And you just decided to carry on with her life?" Byounggon raised a brow and you knew exactly how crazy it was but you had your own reasons.

"I wanted to understand why she did it," you explained even though pretending to be her got you nowhere near close.

"Well, good luck with that," the boy said bitterly and you wondered whether he was thinking of Yonghee. Whether everybody in the group had such deep trauma after what happened with him. The lack of his presence seemed to have affected all their lives deeply.

"Can you tell me what happened with Yonghee? I found Jieun's last texts with him and I think it might have something to do with her reason," you pleaded at which Byounggon looked away, his expression weary and sad and you were about to tell him not to mind your nosy ass but then he started talking and he didn't stop.

He told you about how the group had been formed, coincidences pushing them together and like-mindedness keeping them together. They were different in many aspects: families, hobbies, goals and yet, they could be themselves comfortably around each other.  There had been the five of them at first, then Seunghun had befriended Jieun. Hyunsuk had only started dating Byeol after what had happened to Yonghee. There had been a time when their group seemed to fall apart, each of them blaming themselves in a way, yet ironically it had been Yonghee and the Film Club that had brought them together again. That was when they had decided to do something about the bullies, so what had happened to their friend wouldn't happen to others. Yonghee had been facing a lot of academic pressure from his parents and bullies had liked to pick up on him too. Byounggon had known but he hadn't done anything about it, not until it was already too late. Neither had done Jinyoung and he had taken it even worse.

"Did Jieun know?"

"With his bruises, I think we all could have guessed it sooner. We could have helped but Yonghee was always so guarded, claiming he was fine. I think we were afraid it was his father,” Byounggon trailed off, quiet, his nails drawing crescents into his skin through the tear in his pants. “Jieun and him got into a fight before... you know. I think it was about some grade. Jieun told him he was overreacting and he didn't take it well saying he had to prove his worth for his father."

Oh, that would have explained the texts between your sister and him. Could it have been one of the last straws? Could it have been why Jieun was also struggling? All you had was guesses but Byounggon was right, you could never know what was going on in another person’s head, not even if you were friends or family. Everybody had their own reasons and nobody could know when somebody would reach their tipping point. It could have been something small and otherwise insignificant that pushed them too far.

“You need to tell the others,” Byounggon spoke up again and you cast your eyes down. It was easier said than done. It was easier to avoid than facing your wrongdoings.

“Don’t you hate me?” You asked, because you were sure that would happen if any of them realized that you deceived them and lied for weeks, listening to stories they wouldn’t have shared with strangers like you.

“No. I mean, it wasn’t the smartest plan but I was mostly confused when Jieun started to act differently. The others will understand why you did it, too,” he said and while you weren’t as sure as him, he knew his friends more than you did, so you nodded, promising him that you would. But not yet, you weren’t ready yet.

The boys’ suspension gave you some time to think over things, to get prepared for the end of this play and ironically you realized that you were sad that you would never see them again. But it was always supposed to be this way, you weren’t supposed to stay and become a part of their lives or them, a part of yours.

All of you gathered at the Film Club’s room, watching the video Jinyoung had edited during his time away from the material he had found on the memory card in the stolen phone. He covered the victims’ faces but never the bullies, who could be clearly recognized in all of the edited pieces. It was undeniable evidence, it would ruin the current fabolous life of those guys but they deserved it. So you posted it on the school website’s forum and on every major video sharing platform, making it impossible to get it down too easily.

With that done, feeling accomplished, there was nothing else left to do. You gulped nervously, stealing a glance at the boy in his hoodie, his eyes encouraging you as you stood up to face the others.

“I have to tell you something,” you admitted in a higher pitched voice than usual because you were nervous and from then on it was like an avalanche. You rambled about how you didn’t want to lie to them but it was necessary because you knew nothing about your sister and it felt like the only way. Only when everybody stared at you clearly confused, did you realize that you missed the most important bit. “I’m not actually Jieun. I’m her twin sister.”

The shocked silence that followed was expected and you felt bashful under the stares.

“Wait, what? Are you serious?” Hyunsuk broke the silence first, furrowing his brows, looking closer.

“I can’t believe that you guys didn’t notice,” Byounggon scoffed, oh so helpful as always, at which Byeol was quick to retort.

“Of course, we noticed! She even came with me shopping once. Jieun never did that. I just thought that maybe she changed.”

Okay, so far you had to admit it wasn’t as bad as you expected. Jinyoung seemed way more invested in the video statistics than whether you were or weren’t Jieun but Seunghun’s silence was actually scary.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, feeling small and guilty but for the first time since you had known him, his warm brown eyes were unkind.

“Did you have fun?” He accused you and you had never seen him so angry. You deserved it though, so you understood it. He was the closest to Jieun after all, he had every right to know what was happening with her, but he didn’t even let you answer, he almost stumbled across the table as he tried to get to you in a hurry.

“Where is she? The real Jieun?” Seunghun asked, desperation dripping from his voice and you tried not to think too much into how protectively Byounggon stood between the two of you when he had seen the other guy lunge towards you.

“Would you like to visit her with me?” You inquired instead of directly answering. Your parents made sure that only family members were allowed into the ward where Jieun was kept, so no matter how mad Seunghun was at you, he couldn’t see her without you.

“We’re all going. She’s our friend,” Byeol claimed and you didn’t argue, just nodded at her.

The bus ride was mostly her and Hyunsuk asking you questions about your real life. It was almost like they tried to get to know you for real. It was ridiculously good for your heart that they took it so well. When you locked eyes with Byounggon accidentally, his knowing look was like an unsaid ‘I told you so’ and you smiled at him, grateful, nevertheless.

When you arrived at the hospital, you could feel the tension in the air. It must have brought back a lot of memories for them. You could see the way Jinyoung stopped in his tracks by the entrance before he cleared his throat.

“I will wait for you guys out here.”

“I will stay with him.” Byounggon offered.

The rest of you went in, finding Jieun just as you had left her last night, on machines, pale and vulnerable. Quietly, you told them about the bridge and what the doctors had said about her chances. You promised you would talk with the hospital, so they could visit Jieun on their own too and at that, Seunghun at least spared a glance at you. Byeol patted you on the shoulder.

“He will forgive you too. He’s just blaming himself for not noticing,” she mouthed.

You glanced at the way Seunghun was looking at your sister and it made so much sense.

So this was it. The dreading end of pretending. You hoped it would end on a happier note, Jieun waking up and taking back her life. But in a way it was fair this way, that you had to step down yourself because you couldn’t pretend anymore and you didn’t know how to be yourself around the guys. If they even wanted you to. You didn’t want to wait to find out the hard way, it would have made no sense. You would eventually have to go back to the UK. You didn’t plan to stay this long in the first place. You had heard your parents talk the other day, that they wouldn’t have thought Jieun would be on machines for so long. You feared that it would be their way of saying that they would let her go but you were glad when it wasn’t the case. Still, it was your mother’s reminder that she didn’t plan to stay afterwards. She had built a new life in Europe for herself and you. But back then, you didn’t have a choice to go or to stay, legally you still couldn’t but now you could stand up for what you wanted more. And what you wanted? It felt so selfish.

You stayed in the hospital until visiting hours ended, so you didn’t expect Byounggon and Jinyoung to still be waiting for you outside. As Seunghun elbowed his way through the friend group's little crowd, Jinyoung followed him quietly, throwing an arm around him supportingly. You thought the others would leave too, without saying goodbye, but Byeol, the always sweetheart, hugged you briefly and waved her goodbye with a little smile before taking her boyfriend’s hand and tugging him towards the bus stop.

You glanced at the boy still standing beside you, his dark eyes haunting but gentle and you didn’t know what to do with yourself. The whole situation was probably the most unfair to him because you wanted to go back to that time at the rooftop and let him kiss you now that you knew that he had figured your lies out by then. But what would it have been good for when you weren’t meant to stay?

“See? It wasn’t that bad,” Byounggon broke the silence and in a way he was right, other than Seunghun, everybody took it pretty well, better than you expected. You still felt guilty though. Towards them, towards Jieun.

“Still, tell them I’m sorry,” you sighed and finding it hard to look him in the eye, you turned to walk in the other direction. You weren’t sure where exactly, just to hide, away.

“Are you going to just disappear?” The boy called after you as if he was reading your mind. He seemed to know you better than anybody despite not knowing much about you at all. It froze your limbs with a heavy feeling.

“Why not? Now you all know where and how Jieun is,” you said, thinking that you didn’t need to explain the obvious. Even if you didn’t get the answers you wanted, at this point you doubted you would this way and they didn’t need a middleman like you either.

“And you think we wouldn’t be worried about you?” Byounggon asked and it sounded so much like an accusation that it made you turn around, to face him.

“I was never supposed to be part of your lives.”

“It’s too late for that,” he retorted, firm and direct, and your lower lip trembled.

You loved your parents but their divorce made you feel like an asset, something to choose, something without a choice itself. Maybe that’s why your life never really felt like yours, just a half of whole. Maybe the reason why you didn’t make lasting friendships was because you were afraid your mom would pack up one day and take you away with her without questions asked. It was ironic that you felt the most at home when you carved yourself into Jieun’s place.

“Stay,” Byounggon whispered and you thought of him sticking by your side in the last weeks, sitting next to you quietly in a convenience store after midnight with a bruise on his cheeks, him still being there. I wish you had come into my life sooner, he had told you, his words still echoing in your ears. He saw you, really you. Not Jieun or the mirror image of her. He saw you for yourself and the relief that washed over you brought tears into your eyes.

When he hugged close, quieting your sobs with the soft material of his worn hoodie, you finally realized: you weren’t alone, not anymore.

For those feeling betrayed by the open end, here are some notes about what happens after this:

Jieun wakes up with Seunghun beside her. Yes, Seunghun is in love with her and she knew, she ignored it on purpose because she thought she didn’t deserve it (I can see them getting together though)

the bullies do get dealt with and using the virality of the video, the gang keeps working on making changes in how bullying is treated as a norm and how stressful is the current education system

MC makes up with her sister (who rolls her eyes whenever she sees her with Byounggon). They go to family therapy though to get through their problems

MC goes back to UK to graduate but comes back to Korea for university to help the gang with their new initiatives

[cixthotshit]

Butterflies

Pairing: Yonghee x Femme Reader

Genre: One Shot, AU - Non-Idol Yonghee/University AU, Fluff

Summary: Tutoring sessions were for solving math problems, but with Kim Yonghee so close and patient, the fluttery feelings inside can't be ignored anymore...

Word count: 2.9k

Rating/Warnings: Mature/Not Beta Read, Sexual Themes: Kissing, Dry Humping, Body Touches, Sex Talk

Minors DNI! 18+ ONLY

Author’s Note: This was a request and THANK YOU SO MUCH Nonny!!!! I never thought anyone would send in a request! I'm so sorry it took me so long to fulfill your request. Personal life has been a lot T_T I'm not completely back from my hiatus, but I wanted to post this fic as a celebrations of sorts for FIX Day. IDK if I'll be around here for that.

I'm sorry for any mistakes or messing up OP's fantasy!

    The air vent whirred loudly. She wiped the fridge door handle one more time, eyes glancing around the floor.

    The tutoring session didn’t start until 6:00 PM but Yonghee always showed up five minutes early. Coat closet door squeaking as she threw the broom inside the dusty space.

    The doorbell rang loudly. Chipped polish from the tips of her nails snagged at the loose tendrils she brushed behind her ears. Dragging her feet, she scanned for any messes she might have missed.

    She made a vow to clean up after herself more routinely - instead of letting small messes clutter up until she had to worry about another human being seeing how she lived. Especially someone perfect. Smart. Put-together.

    Yonghee.

    Giving herself a few moments to catch her breath, adjusting the fit of her blouse as she stood beside the front door. Maybe it was too tight at the neck? Chest? She certainly wasn’t perfect.

    Far from.

    He was her tutor, helping her with her math homework, she couldn’t mess around with the idea of flirting with him. What she was concerned about wasn’t looking attractive to him. But she still had to present herself well. She couldn’t have her tutor thinking she was lazy.

    Her chest felt bubbly, like she could float into the air when she opened the door. Hands in his trousers pockets, blazer unbuttoned, and red tie impeccably in place against his creaseless white button-up, Yonghee looked more like her professor than her classmate. His round black framed glasses gave off an otherworldly maturity as he nodded to her in greeting.

    She could barely say more than a couple words to him as she let him in. His sparkling brown eyes lit up, jawline sharp as he smiled. Pearly white teeth shining, his high cheekbones heightening his handsome features. Almost lost in his beauty, she looked away.

    “Are you thirsty?” She walked over to her small white refrigerator in her tiny kitchen. “I have water or apple juice. Or beer?”

    “Water is fine, thanks.” His handling was careful as he set his shoes aside. Her body felt the familiar heat tingle up her stomach as Yonghee stood beside her, their shoulders touching as he washed his hands alongside her. “This soap smells good. Did you buy a new brand?”

    “You notice things like that?” Her head ached as hot blood rushed up to her head, neck and cheeks burning. He’d licked his lips as he smiled, eyes downcast.

    “You buy very good smelling soaps. I like this new scent too.”

    Her blouse felt heavy as the sensation of the silky fabric brushed against her skin. She turned away, hands grasping the paper towels from the rack that sat beside her glass kettle. The heat of his body created goosebumps up her back as he grabbed his own paper towel, reaching around her.

    She walked away from their close space together, getting two bottles of water out of her fridge. Watching him fold his damp paper towel before setting it down on the counter for reuse. He’d apologized profusely the first handful of times he kept throwing them into the trash after one use.

    “How did your Geometry test go?” He sat to her left at the kitchen table. Her back faced the front door and living room.

    Opening her Geometry book, she pulled out the five page quiz she took three days before. There were giant red marks all over the front page. A high, sweet whistle rang as he held her quiz up toward the lamp that sat behind him.

    “73% is a lot better than 59%.” Body feeling like it was a hot summer day, her blouse was heavy against the tops of her breasts. “I know I could have done better. I keep confusing congruent and similar triangles.”

    “That’s a great improvement.” His long fingers ran along the edge of the paper as he set it down. Her cheeks were ready to burst - like cherry tomatoes - his smile was sweet, eyes locking with hers. “Should we go over the questions you got wrong?”

    Tucking her left foot under her right leg, she leaned over as Yonghee picked up his black mechanical pencil. His thumb circled the eraser at the bottom end a couple times before clicking down to push out the lead tip. Dark tendrils fell over his forehead, head tilted down at the quiz.

    “Problem 4-” his pencil tapped against paper “-you forgot about the length of the third side. Despite being correct with the equal sides, that was the error.”

    Stomach aching, like something was growing inside. Up her chest.

    “I was so excited that I had written the equation down right, I can’t believe I forgot such a small thing.”

    “Hey, it’s OK.” His hand was over hers. The tone in his voice had gotten even softer. Like  a soft gust of wind. “Going over your mistakes is a good exercise. How else will you improve? A lot of people forget about the third side all the time.”

    The pink shade of his lips were the same shade as the panties she wore, making her stomach tingle like butterflies had been unleashed inside of her. His smile always made his eyes sparkle, even though the light of the lamp was behind him.

    Faking a cough, she freed her hand from his warm hold. Threw it over her mouth to look away. Hoping the sudden rush of butterflies inside would disappear. Wings thrashing against her chest and heart.

    “I should write this down.” She pulled out her stack of yellow Post-It notes, clicking the end of her pen against the table with her free hand. Deep breath, hoping the butterflies would settle down.

    For a while, they worked methodically together. He’d glance at the problem she got wrong, tell her where her mistake was, and she’d write down notes. The Post-It notes were placed inside her spiral notebook, each note having had Yonghee’s thick index finger gliding over it to make sure they remained adhered to her notebook.

    Her eyes were strained. Mind unable to track how long they’d been working. The mole she marveled so much at the corner of his eye came into view as he tilted his head down, capturing her gaze. Pretty inkspot on his creamy skin.

    “Are you tired? Should we do a stretch break?”

    He pushed his chest into the air as he brought up his arms, stretching them over his shoulders, flexing his elbows before throwing his fists up into the air over his head. Butterflies tickling her belly as his broad shoulders cracked. He’d pulled his blazer off. Shoulders looking so broad in his bleach white shirt.

    “Did you want coffee or tea?”

    “No. It’s too late for caffeine.”

    Tilting her head from side to side, she looked away from Yonghee’s gaze, eyes focusing on problem 36, one of the last problems she’d gotten wrong. Tension in her shoulders and neck loosened as the familiar cracking of her joints made noise when she rolled her shoulders back. Heat hit her cheeks as she locked eyes with Yonghee again.

    “Nice.” He smiled, eyes crinkling up. His handsome features brightened into sweet affection. “I knew we needed a stretch break.”

    “I don’t know why I’m so tense.”

    It was because Yonghee was beside her, smiling his innocently perfect smile, smelling like fresh linen and dew. Looking sexier than every before with loose tendrils falling over his eyes. Her chest shook deep inside, the million of butterflies rushing round and round her heart.

    His eyes moved down to the quiz that sat between their arms. She saw his lips moving but all she heard were noises, her mind unable to turn them into cohesive words. After a deep breath, her mind connected the noises with words.

    Settle down, butterflies. Please, settle down.

    “-in relation to the rectangle, not the triangles within it.”

    “Oh, I see.” She licked her lips, nervous. She’d taken nothing in. If she asked him to explain again, he’d know she hadn’t been paying attention. Worst tutor student ever. “Thank you, Yonghee. You’re so sweet. Coming here and teaching me so late. I probably waste so much of your time being so slow learning Geometry. As you know, I’ve never been good at math.”

    Mortified that she was babbling, she shifted her eyes down as his tongue licked his lips. They remained fixed on her blank Post-It notes as she thought of the pink dots she’d noticed flush up his cheeks. Her face was hot and her blouse felt heavy against her chest again.

    The sensation of hot blood rushing up her head finally dissipated. The insides of her ears stopped hearing loud ocean waves crash around as she realized the room had been silent for much longer than a minute.

    Yonghee had gone silent. The blurry corners of her limited vision were still, like he’d stopped moving too.

    “Yonghee?”

    “You will never waste my time. Every moment with you is special. No one cares for me like you do. I wish I could show you how much I want to care for you too. This tutoring is nothing.”

    She finally set her pen down and tilted her head up. His eyes were darting back and forth gently, studying her face. As she felt a hand on her neck, she touched his neck too. His face was coming in closer. His eyes were closing, so she did the same. His lips warmed hers.

    Her mind spun as the scent of his cologne filled her nose, infiltrating her mouth. Down her throat.

    She wanted more as his tongue wet her lips. Humming gently before she pushed her own tongue against his. His large, soft thumb caressed her jawline. Glided down the side of her neck.

    Fingers grabbing the collar of his shirt, she inhaled as she let him shove his tongue roughly into her mouth, moaning softly. Cool air touched her slickened lips as he broke their kiss.

    Her fingers slipped down his arm as he pulled away, one hand touching her chin. She wanted to blurt out how much she’d been wanting to kiss him, but she felt tears welling up in her eyes. If she did anything, she might cry.

    She shut her eyes, his lips over hers. The familiar musk and taste of sugary candy filled her senses. Hot tears pricked her eyelashes. Hands against his chest, she pushed him away, breathing heavily through her mouth.

    Eyes wide, he mirrored her breathing as she stood. Grabbing his hands, she tugged, hoping he would stand up. Tongue licking his lips, he grinned as he stood, hands shooting to her hips as he stood.

    “Oof!”

    Her mind blanked. She lost sense of gravity - air leaving her lungs.

    A moment passed as she realized her back had hit the wall, Yonghee’s sturdy body pressed against hers. Her mouth ajar, she inhaled dramatically, hands planted against his chest.

    “Are you OK?” His eyes were soft, fingers caressing her cheek, tilting her head up to look him in the eyes. Nodding, she pressed her lips together. “Can I kiss you again?”

    “Yes.”

    His thumb brushed over her lips, making heat surge down her chest to her stomach. Eyes shut. Knees weak. Yonghee’s hips pressing against hers.

    Biting her bottom lip, she bunched the fabric of his shirt into her fists. Their lips met again, his sweet kisses consuming her.

    Wrapping her arms around his neck her finger raked through his soft tendrils. His tongue flicked against her lips with every kiss. She teased him; parting her lips the slightest bit with every tug from him. His gentle hum against her lips as he paused to press their lips together shook her sinuses, reverberating down her spine.

    His lips on her neck, she bucked up against him. Breathing in deeply through her mouth. Knuckle lodged between her teeth, she bit down as her hold around him tightened, stifling a moan. His fingers massaged her flesh as they explored her back and hips.

    When his fingers caressed the inside of her thigh, heat surged up her insides, making the heat between her legs noticeably warmer. She released him, hands back to his chest. Her whole body filled up with butterflies, her mind spinning with jumbled thoughts. As much as she wanted more, she firmly pushed against his chest, making him break their kisses.

    “Have you had dinner?” Her fingers brushed the loose hairs away from his forehead.

    “I’m not very hungry right now.” His stomach grumbled loudly between them as it shook against her front.

    “Let’s order something.” She laughed as the apples of his cheeks flushed pink. “You need to eat.”

    She sat down on the couch with her legs crossed in front of her, feet tucked underneath as she scrolled through her phone.

    The local fish and rice restaurant sold a tofu and bamboo soup she enjoyed, and they also sold a boiled chicken and rice dish that was quite popular. With one arm around her waist, body resting against hers, he held her close. She was seated in the sun with him.

    Her focus was barely hanging on by a thread as he cooed gentle affirmations into her ear, finger continually brushing her loose baby hairs away from her face.

    “We don’t need to order rice. I have some.”

    His lips warmed the pulse on her neck. A gentle “Mmm-hmm” vibrated against the front of her throat. She moaned, his tongue flicking her skin.

    “I-I-I like boiled chicken. Do you want me to order some?”

    “Yes.” His nose nuzzled against the back of her ear. His deep inhale sent shivers down her spine. “You smell like lavender and peony, so sweet. So warm.”

    His fingertips’ strokes against her skin sent heat rushing down her neck. By the time she finalized the order, his lips were back on her neck, sending goosebumps down her chest and back.

    “Yonghee.”

    His lips were over hers. She grabbed his tresses to direct him into a better kiss. Her arms tightened around his neck as his arms parted her legs, settling himself between them.

    She gasped against his lips as she felt the heat of his cock against her clothed center, the weight of his hips creating a heavy upwards friction that pushed against her labia.

    “That feels so good,” she breathed against his lips, nails digging into the flesh of his neck.

    “I don’t want to rush it,” he said softly.

    “Liar!” She laughed as she pushed against his chest.

    His eyes were heavily hooded as he planted his hands on her hips. Bucked his hips against her again, harder and faster.

    She cried out, feeling her chest ache, gasping for air. Arms hooking under his armpits, she clung onto his shoulders as she thrust against his motions.

    The friction sent waves of fiery heat deep into her core. Her insides were hot and wet. Sweat and arousal making her whole body tingle.

    “Do you want to do more than this?” He quickened his thrusting, hands grabbing her wrists as she loosened her grip on him. She arched her back, hips no longer able to keep up with Yonghee. Her mind was filled with the pleasure of his cock throbbing and rubbing against her wet heat. “You’re so beautiful. So warm. Do you want more?”

    “I-I-I can’t!” He stopped, breathing heavily as he held her arms down beside her shoulders. As he opened his mouth, she cut him off. “Th-this isn’t my first time, but I’m shy. I’m not just a girl you can sleep with.”

    “I wouldn’t just sleep with you.”

    “I’m not a naive girl, you know. I know a lot of guys say that.”

    He got off of her, holding his hands out as he offered to help her sit up. Her cheeks flushed with heat as she watched him sit back in his seat, giving room between them.

    “Don’t be silly.” She moved to wrap her arms around his waist, resting her head against his chest. “What plans do you have tomorrow?”

    “I have an exam in my morning class, and then I’m free to study for the rest of the day.” One arm wrapped around her body as his free hand touched her chin, making her look up at him. “Will you join me for lunch? I want to spend time with you outside of our tutoring lessons.”

    “What did you have in mind?” Her shoulders felt tense as heat rushed up her stomach to her chest.

    “There’s a sushi place nearby here that sells melon shaved ice too.”

    “That sounds nice. And afterwards, why don’t we come back here and do some more math?”

    “You want to study?” His voice raised a few notes, making her laugh as she sat up to look at him.

    “Add in you and me,” she began slowly, hand touching the front of his shirt, fingernail tapping against the top button of his shirt, “subtract our clothes, divide the energy it takes for you and me to have a good time-”

    “-I get it, I get it.” His nose nuzzled against her cheek as his lips warmed her neck. “I’ll buy condoms and chocolates and…lube?”

    “So romantic, Yonghee, you’re so calculated.”

    “You’re not as good at puns as you think.”

    “Coming from a math wiz, that doesn’t add up to much.”

    She laughed into his lips as his hands were back at her wrists, his body pushing her to lie down onto the couch.

    Body consumed with butterflies, she held onto him tight. Yonghee spun her world upside down, but he held her safe, hands holding hers tight, lips sucking her earlobe. A sweet sigh escaped her lips.

    “Thank you for this tutoring session, Yonghee.”

---

Thank you for reading!!!

Love, CC ♣︎

[yv17]

your writing is thee cutest (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠) love love loved your yonghee fic, the lack of cix writers is so sad :( can i be added to your perm taglist???

thank u so much !! ofc i'll add u to the taglist <33