#yoko receives trauma

[mothsaresc4ry]

Yoko: *barges into Enid's dorm room, flopping down on her friend's bed* UGHH

Enid: *puts her laptop aside and pats Yoko's head* there there.. what happened?

Yoko: Divina just told me that she is doing everything in our relationship! And I'm not doing anything 😢

Enid: well.. relationships should he 50/50. Take Willa and me as an example. She investigates and puts all the evidence on her white board while I sit on her desk and look pretty. That's hard work for both of us

Yoko:

Wednesday from the other side of the room: my hard working wife *looks at her with heart eyes*

Yoko:

Enid threw herself on wednesday and it all ended in a hot make out scene.

Yoko had to go to trauma therapy after it

[wenclairly]

I will probably just write this myself someday but

A fic where the Stalker is revealed to be Yoko. Much like Rowan, she has convinced herself that Wednesday is dangerous, and wants to keep her bestie Enid from getting hurt again. Unlike Rowan, she was radicalized by MorningSong, whose "therapy" app actually exaggerates fear and doubt to dangerous extremes.

letters, knives, and second chances | wenclair

wednesday addams x enid sinclair

description: wednesday and enid receive a note from wendesday's stalker, leading to revelations that they never could have expected.

tags/warnings: stalker, stalking, post-canon.

wc: 3.5k

a/n: thank you kbb306 for this amazing request, and our first one no less :) we apologize for a tiny delay! we've been trying to balance our own writing with this blog too. and we're very excited to share our first co-written req!! we do have another requested one shot in the works, and feel free to request more guys we LOVE when you do! enjoy this lil one ;) - jes & aly

The metallic clang of the cafeteria doors echoed behind Wednesday as she emerged, the lingering taste of lukewarm gruel a bitter reminder of Nevermore’s culinary shortcomings. The midday sun was casting its usual shadows across the cobblestone courtyard; yet something felt amiss. The distorted patches of darkness seemed to cause an unease in Wednesday, one that had long taken root since her return to school.

Two months had passed since the harrowing events that had nearly torn Nevermore apart, and the scars were still visible. The manicured lawns bore the scorch marks of battle, the stone gargoyles seemed to leer with a newfound malevolence, and the whispers of students now carried an undercurrent of fear that hadn’t been there before.

Wednesday tugged her blazer tighter around her, a futile attempt to ward off the growing chill. Even her usually vibrant roommate had subdued, her infectious laughter now punctuated by moments of quiet introspection. It was as if the darkness that had threatened to consume them all had left a permanent stain.

As Wednesday made her way back to the dorm, her mind drifted to Enid’s therapy session. The new therapist, a chipper woman with a penchant for pastel sweaters and motivational posters, had arrived in the wake of the chaos, a self-proclaimed expert in trauma recovery. Enid had embraced the sessions with her usual enthusiasm, but Wednesday remained skeptical. Could a few platitudes and breathing exercises truly mend the wounds inflicted by a centuries-old monster?

Lost in her thoughts, Wednesday rounded the corner. Only to be jolted back to reality by an unexpected sight. Their door, usually firmly shut, stood slightly ajar. A frown tugged at her lips as she approached, her pace quickening with each step. Had Enid forgotten to close it before leaving? Or had someone else ventured into their shared space, disturbing the delicate balance they had carefully constructed?

The air hung heavy with an unfamiliar scent, a subtle blend of cedarwood and something floral, decidedly not Enid’s usual werewolf musk. A chill slithered down Wednesday’s spine. With a soft push, the door creaked open.

The room appeared undisturbed at first glance. Enid’s collection of stuffed animals were still perched on her bed, their wide eyes watching Wednesday with an unnerving intensity. And her overflowing bookshelf of romance novels and werewolf folklore remained untouched. Even Wednesday’s typewriter sat calmly on her desk, a half-finished poem visible in its carriage.

But as her eyes adjusted, a discordant detail pierced the illusion of normalcy. A crisp white envelope laying on the inky blackness of her bedspread. It was intrusion, a violation of her personal space that set her teeth on edge.

With a measured step, Wednesday approached the bed. Her eyes fixed on the envelope as she reached out to brush her fingers against the smooth paper. It was unsealed, an invitation to delve into its contents.

She swiftly slid her finger beneath the flap and tore it open. A single sheet of paper, thick and heavy, fell into her hand. The handwriting was an attempt at elegance, but held an obvious note of sloppiness. Yet it wasn’t how the letters were penned that unnerved her, but the words themselves.

“Dearest Wednesday,” the letter began, “Your darkness casts a long shadow, a blight on the innocence of Nevermore. I see the danger you pose, the poison you spread with your twisted words and morbid obsessions. Enid, my dear sweet Enid, deserves better than to be ensnared by your darkness.”

A cold fury ignited in Wednesday’s chest. But she read on, each word twisting the knot in her stomach tighter.

“I will not allow you to corrupt her any more than you have, to drag her further down your abyss. You will leave Nevermore, or I will ensure that Enid pays the price. Consider this a warning, a taste of a different darkness that awaits you, should you refuse to heed my words.”

The letter ended abruptly, the final sentence hanging venomously in the air. Wednesday’s grip tightened on the paper, her knuckles turning white as she fought to contain her rage. This was not a prank, not a childish attempt at intimidation. This was a declaration of war, a threat against the person she held most dear.

* * *

When Enid returned from therapy, she entered the dorm to see Wednesday furiously typing away, the familiar sound of the typewriter clacking aggressively. Enid’s eyebrow raised, though she didn’t question Wednesday’s anger. It could range from something serious to a minor inconvenience that had ruined her day. As logical as Wednesday was, Enid had to admit that sometimes she was quite brash.

It wasn’t the aggressive typing that worried Enid. Instead, it was the way Wednesday stood up and pulled the paper from the typewriter, crumpling it and flattening it down onto her desk. Thing was waiting there and kicked it into the waiting wastebasket. After that, the clacking sounds stopped. Wednesday sat at her desk and huffed a loud sigh.

“Everything okay?” Enid asked hesitantly. She’d beelined for her bed, laying down with her laptop resting on her legs. She had an essay due within the next few days, and she was terrible at getting them done on time. She had considered asking for help, but Wednesday’s apparent bad mood was enough to prevent her from doing so.

“I’m fine.” Wednesday answered briskly, not even bothering to turn around to face Enid. Instead she stared at her typewriter as if trying to burn a hole into it.

Enid hummed thoughtfully, then slid her laptop off her legs and onto the bed beside her. “You don’t seem fine.” Enid pointed out, much to Wednesday’s chagrin. The girl’s shoulders tensed and she turned, her permanent glare boring into Enid. “Yikes. Okay.” Enid immediately turned her attention back to her laptop, turning so her back was facing Wednesday.

Things were quiet for a moment, before she heard another long sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m simply frustrated. It seems my ability to write has conveniently decided to disappear.” There was a slight tremor in Wednesday’s voice. It was definitely more than that.

“Writer’s block?” Enid suggested, her gaze moving back to Wednesday. The raven was resting a hand on her temple, her elbow propped up on the desk.

“Absolutely not. I have never once been afflicted with writer’s block and I certainly will not begin to be now.” Wednesday drummed her fingers on her desk.

Enid’s sensitive hearing picked up on the drumming. Her eyebrow rose in a skeptical expression. “Maybe something else is bothering you?”

Wednesday froze at the remark. Enid tilted her head. That was an indication of her being correct. It seemed clear enough to her that something else was going on inside of Wednesday’s head. Something that was bothering her. “What’s wrong?”

Enid watched as her roommate looked at her, then averted her gaze, then looked at her again. She was unsure, nervous, even. “I received another message from my stalker.”

Enid perked up, sitting up straight in her bed upon hearing the news. “Really? What was it?”

“A threat.” Wednesday said ominously, opening the drawer at the side of her desk and pulling a letter out of it. Enid got on her feet, swiftly crossing the line between their two halves and taking the letter from Wednesday once it was offered to her. Her eyes scanned the piece of paper, and with each line she felt more nauseated.

“‘My dear sweet Enid’?” Enid quoted the letter, frowning. “Whoever wrote this clearly has no idea who you are.” She felt anger of her own festering in her chest, building up. Who did this person think they were? Insulting Wednesday and their friendship. As if Enid was too weak to be friends with someone like Wednesday.

Enid was tired of being seen as weak.

“I have a relatively good idea of who it might be.” Wednesday’s burning glare returned back to the paper loaded in her typewriter. “Who else would refer to you that way? It must be Ajax.” There was a sort of bitterness in her voice. It wasn’t aggressive enough to be anger, but it wasn’t placid enough to be just a simple dislike. It was deeper than that. Enid wondered if she was overthinking it, but if she didn’t know any better, she’d think Wednesday was jealous.

“That’s true.” Enid’s eyebrows furrowed. “But he’s never called me ‘dear’ or ‘sweet’.”

“A failure of a partner, if you ask me.” Wednesday grumbled under her breath.

Enid blinked. “That’s a little harsh.”

“Not harsh enough. I should have nailed his heart to a wall before you two reached whatever you define it to be now.” Wednesday looked up at Enid, who was staring down at her with a confused expression.

Enid sighed softly. “It’s complicated.” She quickly muttered, not particularly in the mood to detail how the best word she could use to describe what she and Ajax had was “situationship”.

“That’s what they all say.” Wednesday bit back, turning her gaze back to the blank piece of paper in front of her.

“Okay, well-” Enid started to argue, then paused and took a deep breath. “That’s besides the point. What are we supposed to do about this stalker?”

A smile tugged at the corner of Wednesday’s lips. “I could always build another makeshift guillotine.”

“Wednesday, no.” Enid huffed. “Something that doesn’t involve killing my…” She hesitated, “...him.” She finished, unsure once again how to describe Ajax.

Wednesday scoffed. “You’d be better off without him.”

Enid waved her off. “That’s besides the point.” She rubbed her temple with two fingers, starting to get a headache from Wednesday’s one-sided hatred of Ajax. “Why don’t we just talk to him?”

“I suppose. But I’m bringing a knife with me.”

Enid already knew that Wednesday wasn’t going to budge on that point, so she didn’t bother trying to fight it. “Fine.” She said lowly. Wednesday was already standing up and moving to her bed, kneeling down and reaching underneath it. “Wait, you mean right now?”

“Yes, right now. We need to get to the bottom of this immediately. These letters are unacceptable.” Wednesday pulled a small box out from under her bed, opening it to reveal an intricate dagger.

“You don’t-” Enid rolled her eyes. “Okay. Fine.” She agreed begrudgingly once again. “Let’s just get this over with, yeah?”

“Alright.” Wednesday stood up, hiding the dagger in her sleeve, and began walking towards the door, Enid in tow as usual. The two of them exited the dorm, bent on ending this “stalker” business right then and there.

The quad at Nevermore was a microcosm of the school’s social hierarchy. Flocks of sirens gossiped near the fountains, their scales shimmering in the afternoon light. A group of gorgons, their stony gazes fixed on chessboards, hurled under the shade of the outside trees. And nestled in the corner, at a small stony table, was Ajax Petropolus sitting beside Bianca Barclay.

Wednesday and Enid approached the pair. Enid’s usually bouncy gait was tempered by a hint of apprehension as she trailed behind Wednesday’s, whose stride remained as purposeful as ever. Her eyes were fixed on their target with the intensity of a predator stalking its prey.

Ajax, oblivious to their approach, was mid-sentence. Bianca, her eyes half-closed against the sun, seemed to be humoring him with a polite smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Petropolus,” Wednesday’s voice cut through the air like a knife.

Ajax’s head snapped up, his eyes widening in surprise as he took in the sight of Wednesday and Enid standing before him. A nervous smile flickered across his face before it was quickly replaced by a look of feigned nonchalance.

“Yo, Wednesday, Enid,” he greeted them with a casual nod of his head. “What’s up?”

Wednesday’s lips curled in disgust. “Don’t,” she snapped, the word dripping with venom. “We have a matter of grave importance to discuss with you.”

Enid, sensing the rising tension, stepped forward in an attempt to be a calming counterpoint to Wednesday’s iciness. “Ajax, we need to talk about the letters,” she said, her eyes searching his face.

Ajax blinked, a puzzled frown creasing his brow. “Letters?” he echoed, his voice tinged with genuine confusion. “What letters?”

Bianca tilted her head, even her expression betrayed a hint of bewilderment. “You mean fan mail, Enid?” she quipped, a playful lilt to her voice. “Saving Nevermore isn’t taken lightly. You’ve got quite the following now I see.”

Enid’s patience, already stretched thin, snapped. “Not fan mail, Bianca,” she retorted, her voice rising an octave. “Threatening letters. From Wednesday’s stalker.”

The word hung in the air. Ajax’s expression shifted from confusion to concern, while Bianca’s demeanor was replaced by a mask of guarded curiosity.

“A stalker?” Ajax repeated, his voice barely a whisper. “But who would…?”

Wednesday cut him off with a chillingly calm voice, her eyes narrowing to slits. “You tell us, Petropolus,” she hissed, her words dripping with accusation. “You seem awfully confused, perhaps suspiciously so.”

Ajax recoiled under Wednesday’s piercing gaze. “Woah, Wednesday,” he stammered slightly, raising his hands in a gesture of defense. “I don’t know anything about any stalker. What even makes you think that?”

That’s when Bianca stepped in, her voice sharp and defensive. “Back off, Wednesday,” she snapped. “Ajax is the last person who would do something like this. He’s been nothing but kind and supportive to Enid—”

Wednesday was quick to interrupt with a scoff. “Kind and supportive?” she echoed, a venomous edge to her voice. “Or perhaps he’s simply following a well-trodden path of deception, lulling us into a false sense of security while harboring sinister intentions.”

Ajax flinched as if struck, his face paling under the intensity of her accusation. Bianca bristled, her lips forming a thin line of displeasure.

Enid, however, had reached her limit. She stepped forward, her voice a low growl. “Enough, Wednesday,” she hissed. “You’re being unfair now. Ajax… isn’t him.” 

A tense silence descended upon them. Wednesday was momentarily taken aback by the outburst, remaining silent as the implications seeped into her. It stung. But there was a creeping sense that perhaps Enid was right.

After a beat, Ajax finally spoke, his voice a hesitant plea. “Enid, I don’t get it,” he said, his brow furrowing in confusion. “What did the letter even say? What kind of threats are we talking about?”

Enid’s breath hitched, the words of the letter had been a sour taste on her tongue. “It said,” she began, lowering her voice, “something about Wednesday being a ‘danger’... a ‘blight on the innocence of Nevermore’. It says that I… I deserve better than to be ‘ensnared by her darkness’.” She paused for a moment, tracing her mind back to what else the letter had said. A knot formed in her stomach as she remembered the rest, the threat to her own safety. Enid couldn’t bring herself to say it aloud.

Wednesday’s eyes narrowed. “Such theatrics,” she muttered, a hint of disgust lacing her tone. “One would think we were dealing with a Shakespearean villain, not some cowardly stalker hiding behind vague threats and flowery language.”

Bianca dismissively waved her hand. “Sounds like the kind of fear-mongering nonsense MorningSong’s ‘wellness app’ is always peddling,” she scoffed, the disdain evident. “All that talk of darkness and danger, it’s enough to make one paranoid.”

“MorningSong?” Wednesday echoed, deceptively calm. “Who here subscribes to that drivel?”

Ajax shifted uncomfortably on the bench, his eyes darting nervously towards Bianca. “Yoko,” he blurted out, the name a low mumble.

Enid’s eyes widened. “Yoko has that app?” Her voice was filled with incredulity.

“I told her not to get it.” Bianca hummed pensively, shaking her head. “But she said it was just a joke, that she wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I didn’t think she’d take it seriously.”

Wednesday’s expression darkened. “Well. I suppose we know who our stalker is. Good thing I brought a knife.”

“You brought a what?” Ajax blinked, watching closely as Wednesday gestured towards her sleeve. 

“It’s Wednesday. What were you expecting?” Bianca grumbled sarcastically. 

Enid waved them off. “Does it really matter? Let’s just go find Yoko and talk to her. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding. She knows what we’ve been through. It’s gotta be that stupid app.”

“Good luck.” Bianca called as they walked away, settling back down next to Ajax, who looked as confused as always.

“When I find that vampire, I’m going to shove a stake through her heart.” Wednesday hissed under her breath. The two of them made their way to Yoko’s dorm, Wednesday fuming and Enid feeling more unsure with each step.

When they finally arrived, Enid went to knock on the door, but Wednesday simply shoved it open with no regard of who might be on the other side or what they might be doing.

“Tanaka.” Wednesday practically growled, entering the room like an ominous storm cloud.

Yoko was sitting at her desk, her laptop open in front of her. She jolted, her shoulders tensing. She whipped around in her chair, staring directly at both Wednesday and Enid, a nervous smile flickering over her face. “Uh… Hey, Enid. Wednesday.” She greeted, her voice shaking slightly.

“Care to explain your pathetic letters?” Wednesday stormed over to Yoko, slamming her hand onto the desk and leaning over the vampire.

“Wednesday-” Enid started. She was promptly cut off by Yoko, who stood up. Given Wednesday’s small stature, Yoko stood a few inches taller than her, looking down at her with a glare. “I’ll explain it alright. Enid wouldn’t have been hurt by the Hyde if it wasn’t for you. She wouldn’t have come crying to my dorm if it wasn’t for you. All you do is hurt her, Wednesday. You’re dangerous and reckless.”

Wednesday was clearly ready to fight, but Enid crossed the room and put space between the two of them, holding her arm out in front of Wednesday. “Yoko, where is this all coming from? You were there the night we fought the Hyde. You were there the night she saved the school. You know what happened.”

Yoko hesitated, shoving her hands into her pockets. “This app I downloaded. It was telling me that something dark and foreboding was coming. I kept getting stuff like that, and the only thing I could think of… given she was the reason everything happened in the first place…”

“That app spews nonsense in exchange for popularity. You are a fool for taking anything it tells you to heart.” Wednesday snapped, barely able to hold back her anger. “You should have known better.”

Yoko seemed unsure of herself now, her shoulders slumping. “I… I just wanted what was best for Enid.”

Enid sighed softly. There wasn’t any anger in her expression, and her tone was gentle. “You don’t get to decide that for me, Yoko. I know you care, but Wednesday and I care about each other. And we’ve worked out our issues.” She looked back at Wednesday, whose demeanor had softened. “She would fight for me in a heartbeat. Even if she refuses to admit it.”

Wednesday grumbled something under her breath. Enid didn’t hear it, though she was sure that it was yet another empty threat.

“Come on, Yoko. You know better than this.” Enid chided quietly. “Delete the app, and all is forgiven.”

“Who says all is forgiven?” Wednesday asked, straightening her posture. Until Enid glared at her and she relented. “Fine.”

Yoko took her phone out of her pocket, scrolling through it and deleting MorningSong from it. “It’s gone.” She flipped her phone around, showing both Wednesday and Enid that it was completely gone. “I only got it as a joke, I wasn’t expecting it to be so effective.”

“It’s all about psychology. If you had any sense of logic, you would realize that.” Wednesday relaxed now that the threat was gone, her tone less abrasive.

“Now that that’s over with…” Enid started, a smirk tugging at the corners of her lips. “I think you two should have some bonding time! It’ll be great. My two besties, getting along!”

“Absolutely not-” Wednesday tried to object, but was immediately cut off by Enid.

“We should go get coffee at the Weathervane to celebrate! And Yoko, you should definitely bring Divina. We’ll become a gang, the four of us!” She raised her hands to her chest, balling them into fists. Excitement was radiating off of her. Excitement so genuine, that not even Wednesday could deny her wishes. “Alright, stop your incessant jabbering.” Wednesday turned to exit the dorm, glancing back at Yoko. “Meet us in the quad in fifteen minutes sharp, Tanaka.” She put an emphasis on the word “sharp”, wanting to be completely clear.

Yoko, who was stunned by the quick forgiveness, could only stand and nod as the two girls exited her dorm, Enid talking Wednesday’s ear off and Wednesday only able to listen grumpily as they walked side by side, shoulder to shoulder.

[healeroflightanddark]

Yuu Belong to Me, Chapter 7: Worried

Meanwhile, Yusho and Yoko were getting very worried. They’d received a call from Yuya’s school informing them that he never arrived that day, and he never showed up at the duel school either. It wasn’t like him to miss a day of dueling, and he was a very good boy so he would never ditch his normal school without a good reason, either. And he hadn’t come home that evening.

Which led his parents to the conclusion that something was very wrong. They didn’t think he would willingly get involved in something that would cause him to disappear, at least not without informing them. Certainly if he’d learned of another war or something similar they could understand him getting involved. But after Yusho had returned, the Sakakis had agreed that any future activities that risked them disappearing for some time would be brought to the whole family’s attention before anyone got involved from now on. They didn’t want another vanishing act to cause stress or trauma for the family.

“I’m really worried,” Yoko said, looking out the window at the darkening street in the hopes of seeing her son walking toward the house. “What if something bad has happened to him?”

“I certainly hope not,” Yusho said. “I’m going to call him.”

He pulled out his duel disc and set it into cellphone mode, and called Yuya’s disc. The call went straight to voicemail. “This isn’t good… Maybe we should talk to Reiji. I know he has surveillance in the city, and Yuya’s mentioned that Reiji likes to keep an eye on him on the cameras. Maybe he’ll know where our boy is.”

“I hope so,” Yoko said. “Oh, I really hope he’s okay!”

[leeminkifanblr]

2023 Mar 29: Arena Homme+

Interview: 질문하다 보니 이민기가 되었다 [1] [2]

I've always been curious about celebrities doing photo shoots. What do they think in front of the camera? Rather than thinking about something, I feel a bit embarrassed. A long time ago, when I was a model, I kept reading magazines because it was my job, and I was obsessed with them, so I was able to express myself. I'm a little nervous right now. What should I do, how should I do it? Since I started acting, I haven't done that many pictorials.

Aren’t you embarrassed in front of the camera when acting? Much less. There are lines and situations, so I just have to find what to express. When it comes to pictorials, I have to think about how I want to express myself.

The works prepared for this year are scheduled. Dramas <Hip-Hope> and <Look at Me>. What kind of work is it? I understand that <Hip-Hope> has finished filming and is preparing to air. This is a drama in which senior Han Ji-min plays a veterinarian and I play a passionate detective, and the two of us solve cases together. <Look at Me> is about to begin filming, and I will appear as a plastic surgeon who performs reconstructive surgery on crime victims. In it, the story involves solving a case, performing reconstructive surgery, and dealing with a person's inner trauma.

What made you decide to appear in the work? <Hip-Hope> is the work of the director of the previous film <My Liberation Journal>. The director’s contact had a big impact on my decision. I really like senior Han Ji-min, the script was very interesting, and there were many other new elements. <Look at Me> is also the first time I have played the lead role of a professional doctor. I've never seen a setting where the clues to a case are solved through plastic surgery. I think I only choose something if it's new, something I haven't tried before, or has some appeal.

Are things that you haven’t done before what motivates actor Lee Min-ki? Yes. Whether by genre or role.

I heard that you keep a routine even when there is no filming. That's the most stable and comfortable. I wake up, eat breakfast, go to the gym, and then eat lunch. I have a routine where I read a book like a short story collection after breakfast and before going to the gym. I read the book for 10 or 15 minutes before leaving. I have a routine like that.

You said in an interview that reading books is your hobby. Is that still the case? Actually, I can't read as much as I used to. In the past, I read it well while filming. I don't want to focus too much on the script. Still, I'm careful not to let go, so I keep reading.

What books do you read these days? I’m reading Hirokazu Koreeda’s “I’ll Continue My Little Story” and Yoko Sano’s “What’s Life Like?” I like essays. I felt the fun of the essay after reading Lee Seok-won's <Ordinary Beings>.

There is something fun about essays. How do you choose books to read? There are times when you receive a gift. Since my close friends know me roughly, they give me the types of books I like. I have no regrets after reading it. I'm reading Yoko Sano's book because it was given to me by my younger brother who I worked with as a gift, saying it was a book he really liked. When I see that, I think, ‘He likes these kinds of books.’ It's good to have that kind of communication.

It feels good. I received a book I liked as a gift and recommended it to myself. Why do you like reading books? Actually, when I was young, I only read comic books. I started reading novels the year after my debut. Realizing that I needed to act well, I asked a close writer. “I want to act well, what should I do?” Then he said, “Nothing else, just read a lot of books.” From then on, I started reading books. At first, I read it like an obsession. Thinking things like, ‘If I don’t read this, I’m not doing my best at acting.’ The content wasn't coming in and I was busy filling up the volumes. I read it unconditionally, I read one book a week, I read two books, etc. As I built up that habit, I actually started reading later. Content is also coming in. After that, I tried to read books on a regular basis because I learned a lot from them. For years, I found it so interesting that I just read it. Although I don't have as much focus and speed now as I did back then, I definitely know that there is something to be gained from the book, so I think I shouldn't let it go.

Do you remember a book you particularly enjoyed reading? While watching Jonathan Safran Foer’s “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close,” I thought, “How did they write something like this?” Cheon Myeong-kwan's <Whale> was also interesting, and there are many good literary short stories published every year. I also like author Geumhee Kim’s books. There are times when she is amazing. While reading the book, I thought, 'I know this feeling, but how can I express it in writing? I think, ‘I wish I could express my feelings like this.’

It's a long time ago, but do you remember what made her decide to become a celebrity? She never made a decision like, ‘I have to become an actress.’ She was a model and then she auditioned for an acting role and she stuck and that was how she got into acting. At that time, I had no idea that I would continue acting for the first year. I got accepted to the audition and thought, ‘That’s it,’ ‘I got accepted again,’ and ‘What’s going on?’ After the next year, I realized, 'I shouldn't be happy that I got it, I have to do it.' From then on, I started thinking about acting.

If you look at it that way, success is very difficult. I think successful people all have different reasons for doing well. I was curious about that too. When I debuted, I had a conversation like that with the director and writer. At the time, I thought so. Because I’m not nervous (it’s good). ‘I have to act. You can't do it if you don't do it. If I had thought, ‘This is my whole life,’ I would have been nervous, but I just auditioned to be someone’s substitute. So, as given, when I was told to do it this way, I tried it this way, and when I was told to do it like that, I tried it differently. I think I was flexible because I wasn't nervous. There were people who said they liked that when they were rookies.

That was almost 20 years ago. As you probably know better, I think that being successful once and maintaining it all the time are two different things. I do not know. I wonder if there are people who don't try just to say that they tried, and it's hard to explain, so I just think I was lucky. There were a lot of blessings. I met a lot of good people and was influenced by them so I could continue to develop.

Creating is also something that has no answer. I also feel a lot of feelings in my field that I can’t explain. Is there anything you have decided to do or not do? It's a trivial thing, but I asked a question once when I met a senior. “Senior, what should I do to act well?” The senior’s answer was very cool. “Where is that? Your acting is what you are good at, mine is what I am good at. “I’m good at being myself, just act like you and then what will I do?” While we were having this conversation comfortably, there was something he said. “There is only one thing I can teach you. Memorize the staff's names. “It’s meaningless for me to explain why, you’ll have to try to figure it out.” I tried to know the names of the staff members before, but I never thought of it as 'work' as if I was selling a script.

There will be a lot of staff on site. But that senior had already memorized most of the staff names at that time. That's how you learn. My motto is not 'I must remember the staff's names', but if possible, I prefer to call them by their first names rather than "that FD over there" when working. I came to think of that as courtesy.

That's a very good idea. What did you realize when you memorized the name and called it? There are too many. First of all, the atmosphere on site improves. A better atmosphere means that it helps everything on set, including acting. I think a good atmosphere is the best condition you can think of at a work site. We can give strength to each other.

I need to learn too. I also meet a lot of different staff members at different sites every time. But is your life as an actor still fun? What drives you to continue your career as an actor? It seems like a model answer, but it's not enough. There are times when I talk about that with my colleagues. For example, I saw very good acting in a very good work. Then, “I won’t see you. (Laughs) I’ll see you in a few days. You feel embarrassed. People say things like “I need to act at that level, but I’m not at that level yet.” But saying something like that means you have a desire to act well.

Yes. Since you want to do better, you may feel a sense of self-destruction. yes. Because I want to do better, I sometimes feel a strange sense of guilt when I see great acting. I keep going because I feel inadequate. If someone asks me, ‘Have you ever been 100% satisfied with today’s photoshoot?’, I don’t think I have. I think I keep doing more each day with the thought, ‘It’s not enough, so tomorrow will be more.’ ‘I will do it. I will do it. I'm going to give a great performance.' It's not that I feel like this, but I just feel like I can't get close to what I want to do.

Do you also practice to get better? Do you continue to do it at home like home training? I think it varies from person to person, but I don’t do that. Rather, it is a caution that if you practice a lot, it will wear out. Even if I do a great job at home, it's different when I go on set. Acting isn't something you do alone. Even if you are alone in a scene, you are not acting alone. You have to work with the camera, the situation, and the scene. Anyway, you have to go and find something that feels right, so you have to try it a lot to wear it out.

The scene has a unique atmosphere. In a large and complex scene like a drama or movie shoot, there will be dozens of people looking at you. Can you maintain concentration even in such situations? In the end, this story is similar to what the senior told me earlier about memorizing the names of the staff. My senior told me this story later. When I come to the scene and look around the camera, I get the feeling that the actors and staff think this way. 'Let's see how that famous person plays.'

It can happen. I get shy when there are unfamiliar staff members. I don't know a single person, so it feels strange to be standing around all the time. If you feel those gazes on you, memorize their name and call them by their name. When these things are mixed together, the atmosphere changes like, ‘Oh, my brother needs to do a good job’, ‘Ah, this lighting will interfere with my brother’s view’, or ‘My little brother needs to do a good job with this’.

Creating an environment where one can act comfortably can also be an actor's job. Yes. If the atmosphere on set is bright, it's good for both people. Rather than sinking. It's better to be right in the middle because you don't want to be distracted. Not too subdued and not too excited.

You asked a lot of questions about how to act well, including asking the writer and other seniors. Yes. Because I am not a person who learned or prepared for acting. But I happened to be given a good opportunity and I had to do well, but I didn't know how, so I asked a lot.

That looks great. My job is to ask questions, so I know that it's not easy to just ask about things you don't know. Let me ask you. Even now, if you need anything, just ask. When I was in my 20s, that was an advantage. I asked and when someone told me, I did it. “Watch the movie. When I was told, “Look at one thing a day,” I really looked at it once a day, and that’s what I did. I didn’t say, “I understand.”

I think all of this has accumulated to become the actor Lee Min-ki is today. What kind of person do you want to be remembered as in the future? Actually, I don't really want to be remembered.

For that reason, he is a star actor in a field that many people remember. So, I want to be someone who is naturally remembered and then naturally forgotten. I wish I could be someone who flows like that. I don't want to be the one left behind. It's nice to be a person in a memorable work. If I appear in a good work that will last for generations, it would be a great honor to remain in that work.

-

CREDIT INFO:- Editor - 박찬용; Photography - 김영준; Stylist - 남주희; Hair - 이에녹; Make-up - 이지영

[benefits1986]

Belated Birthday Bash

So ayun na nga, mhie. Easter Sunday kagulo po tayo today and sakto kasi eto na rin ang finale ng mahaba-habang birthday ganaps ng dad ko. Since alam na niya ‘yung surprise dahil nga binasa niya ‘yung phone ko and nakita niya ‘yung 12 people na invited, syempre, nag-level up tayo para may shock factor pa rin siya. Dapat talaga chill celeb lang ‘to kasi nga pagod na pagod na pagod na akong makihalubilo sa mga tao at lalo sa mga bata, but, sige, challenge accepted. Nahihiya kasi akong makiabala ng Easter Sunday kasi usually, intimate din ang galawan ng family namin ‘pag ganito. Usually, uwi na kami sa Manila para chill na or extra gala day. Nagbakasakaling invite ako sa Team Panganay GC namin and poof. Naging mga 35 people kami. :D Sobrang daming wala pa niyan kasi biglaan nga.  But, wait. This Sunday, nag-Feast ulit kami kasi nga ‘di kami nakapag-attend ng Lenten recollection. Choice ko talaga ito kahit need ko mag-recalibrate kasi nakikita ko talaga ‘yung sadness ng dad ko as a boomer na ‘di niya ma-process pero gusto niya. Or baka, bumait na talaga ako. LOL. Hassle ng parking because hindi ko sure why hindi na-anticipate na marami talagang pupunta today. Jampacked ang line up kasi pati nearby Feast communities andun. Nice to see familiar faces na after all these years, andun pa rin sila. ‘Di kasi ako masyadong nag-focus sa ministry noon because, I have my OG community na pang-single lang. The Feast x Arun Gogna is actually for my dad and my brother since benta sa kanila dad and tito jokes. Kahit na smirk much ako, ‘pag nakikita ko silang focused sa teachings, parang nanalo na rin ako sa Color Game. Choz. :D ‘Di kami active, we don’t go lagi kasi malimit, weekends are spent outside Manila pero shemay lang ‘tong session na ‘to.  Solid na praise song pa lang, naiiyak na ako kahit pigil na pigil ako. LOL. Sapul ‘yung kanta for me. Huy, naman. Yoko na. Lels. Pero, sabi ko, good choice talaga ‘di muna ako nag-travel kahit babawi tayo sa May. LOLLOLLOL. In a nutshell, basta, go lang ng go and let things happen. Let it be. Ganern. https://open.spotify.com/track/6DCtHdNZJ1y4vmHBAKsAF3

Some of the highlights nung teaching today:  -Lahat ng stories ay unfinished. Kaya may comma, ellipsis, exclamation point, question mark, atbp.  -Death is the jump off point of new beginnings. Allow me to add na, we only have two tiny hands and we need to let go to be able to receive new beginnings and promises. LOL. Hala siya, mhie.  -Hurts and pasts are meant to give you lessons. Don’t turn them to hatred. Don’t deny them. Embrace them. Keep walking. HUY. Hahahaha.  -Healing together is good; but, you also need and want to heal from within to be a wounded healer. Ayan na siya. Lels.  -God is faithful to the brokenhearted. Isa ito sa mga pinanghawakan ko during the past decade. Andun lang siya. I can’t make sense of it noon talaga kasi ang sakit talaga, andaming trauma, andaming shit, andaming detour, andaming dead end. Pero, I fully believe that the perfect time is here and now. Waited so long pero, ganun talaga. Kapit lungs. 

Listen to the full teaching here. Again, ‘di ako fan ng mass and please don’t fight me because I won’t fight you po. Promise. https://www.facebook.com/feastalabang/videos/892643598636074 More importantly, I’ve been checking out my dad from time to time and sana marealize niya na talaga from within na, through it all, God is with us especially during the darkest hours. Siguro kasi ‘yung experience namin with the loss of my mom continues sa loss ng ina ko. Noon kasi, kahit ako, lagi kong tinatanong, if ba may more funds kami, more resources, mas hahaba ba time namin kasama mom ko. 

The answer came when ina was in her deathbed. Now, mas able kami, walang debts, ready to help, ‘di man super daming funds, mas meron kami ngayong. Again, lower middle class kami, kaya, for us, achievement ito. The thing is... when we were as in negative sa funds, walang care team, stopped school, had to be a grantee para makapagtapos among other tipid things, never ever kaming nawalaan ng funds to fuel mom’s health expenses. 

I remember one time, dad was zoned out. Sabi niya, 0 na raw ATM niya to think na manager siya sa reputable bank for so many years. Then, after a few hours, may nag-message sa kanya. SMS that said ‘yung mga kasama sa community ng mom ko na from the Bronx, kesa raw pumunta sa hospital, nag-contribute na lang para sa munting help sa mom ko. Girllll. Mga labandera, walang permanent income, housewives, etc. sila. So for me, wala ‘yan sa laki ng funds mo, it’s all about intention. Since mom is well-rooted sa community niya saka cheerful giver with RBF that’s worse than mine, sobrang na-touch ako dito. Dad checked his ATM and it read P11K. Back in 2004, malaki na rin ito. Naiyak dad ko. Never did P11K hit so hard. Sabi niya, grabe noh? Ang galing. Sabi ko, mom moves in mysterious ways. LOLLOLLOL.  ‘Pag need ng dugo, full force security personnels sa office ni dad. Sa 2 1/2 months naming nasa ward na 16 ang patients, kami pa ‘yung nag-share ng food sa mga katabi namin. Pati mga visitors, laging meron. As in. And ‘pag may extra kaming gamit at gamot, pass on din sila.  Never kami nagmakaawa or humingi. We pay our debts like the Lannisters. Utang ang bayad ni dad sa utang noon pero sabi niya, kesa naman walang diapers and check ups and gamot mom ko. LOL. Tiis na lang muna kami sa kung anong natira. 4 years after mom died, dun kami nakabayad ng lahat ng utang in 8 years. No travels, no passport, no excess, bare essentials lang talaga at makapagtapos kami. Ganun lang. Kaya, alam ko anong ibig sabihin ng walang-wala. ‘Di rin ako takot kasi nalampasan ko na ‘yun. Napagdaanan ko ‘yun. At natawid ko ‘yun. Hence, I don’t get easily impressed talaga.  So, netong sa ina ko, ready kami to shell out. Sabi ko pa nga kay ina, ‘di na tuloy SoKor ko kasi shift ko na lang funds ko sa health funds niyang ‘di biro lalo sa hyperinflation season. Glad to have my tita and K na naka-full gear din pero lahat kami syempre, may limit. Walang kaming sky. LOL. ‘Yung iba naman naming relatives, sa pag-look after ni ina naman ‘pag wala ako kasi need ko na talagang bumalik sa Manila noon kahit iniisip kong mag-uwian pero sa layo ng side ng Laguna ng hometown ni ina, mhie, baka bumigay katawang-lupa ko. ‘Di ko rin naman puwedeng pabayaan work ko kasi paano po tayo magbabayad ng bills at magtatawid ng funds ng ina ko, ‘di ba? LELS. Hassle talaga maging hindi Team Laking-aircon at times. LOL. Choz lang.  Side Kwento about cash-rich bitches and gents. May isang pumunta sa ina ko na baby boomer and sabi niya na ‘di raw siya sure if lahat ng anak niya will be with her sa deathbed niya unlike my ina. Opak. Shala si lola and well off or nakakaluwag-luwag mga kids niya. Pero, for me, wala talaga ‘yan sa dami ng funds mo. Andaming families na nastress AF dahil lang sa dami ng funds na meron sila and with dami ng funds, ewan ko ba bakit damot, damot, damot is everywhere. Damot sa collaboration. Damot sa pagintindi, pag-adjust. Then, dun na lang papasok ang funds because, need din ‘yan pero ‘di ‘yan ang end-all, be-all. Again, ako lang ‘to ha. Ako lang. Sa experience ko lang. 

Sabi ko pa sa ina ko, kahit ‘di na ako mag Grab saka sa kanya na muna car, para ‘pag may emergency okay lang. LOL. But, ina knows that her fight is not merely about the funds. It’s a fight that’s going down, non-stop. Eto siguro ‘yung pivotal moment ko sa journey na ‘to. The answer na kung naging nurse ba ako then either nag-alaga ako sa mom ko or nag-fly to Europa na ako para todo kayod sa padala for her funds... the answer is, the choices I made are all aligned. Sobrang revelation ito sa akin since I’ve been really shittalking myself na I’m never ever ever good enough. Sakit aminin niyan, but true. And ina made me see that after a decade-long dark chapter, I may not have done it perfectly, pero I’ve done it well and sa abot ng kaya ko. Sinagad ko pero death is not something that we can run away from and cheat.  And soooo, balik tayo sa belated birthday bash ni dad. Bash mode ako sa kanya kasi ‘di niya inakalang lahat ng 5 kapatids niya, may represent. Tapos ‘yung tito ko na may flight pa-SG today, sumama rin. Syempre, dahil gusto ng tatay ko ng Jap food, punta kami sa South’s underrated Jap spot. Super oks niya kasi malapit talaga sa lasa ng actual Jap food. Saka, uhaw na me for my highball and sashimi. Bonus pa super cutie ng half-Jap chef. Hahahahahahaha. Sarap. Ng food. CHZ.  Sabi ng tatay ko, bakit pa raw ako nagsayang ng funds na sana pinang-SoKor ko na lang. Sabi ko naman is eto kasi ‘yung sinasabi ko sa kanya noong mamatay mom ko, make good and worthwhile memories together. Noon kasi, as in, naging super detached siya right after mamatay ni mommy. So ako, kahit adult na ako, ansaket, bhe. Tapos nagkaroon pa kami ng major rift because, ayoko na isplook that bit kasi tapos na rin naman ‘yun. Sabi ko pa nga, ‘yung pinagdaanan ko noon, ayokong pagdaanan niya lalo at his age and at this time. Kaloka lang kasi dati, sobrang gusto kong gantihan tatay ko in 4D kasi nga, bhe, ibang level ‘yung sakit. Walang-wala sa jowa pains kahit na ‘yung serious relationshits pa. As in. 

‘Di ko inakalang may pain levels palang ganun in this lifetime na kaya pang umabot sa next lifetime, kung meron man. Pero, nung nakita ko ‘yung patterns ng mom ko and ng lola ko, sabi ko, ‘di puwedeng ganun. ‘Di na dapat ganun and ayoko ng ganun. Kasi I don’t wish that kind of pain on anyone kahit sa dad kong ganun ginawa sa akin, noon. LOLLOLLOLLOLL. Mature roles na talaga tayo, mhie! Pak. Pero, kaya sinasabi kong I feel fine at 37 is because, kung bata pa ako at feisty much na mala-The Glory ang peg, leche, matindeng higanti season ‘yan. Not perfect kasi masungit talaga ako pero, gets? Mabait na ako. CHZ. Or bumabait na ako na minsan, ako mismo, nagugulat. Lorddeee, ‘wag mo muna ako kunin please. Hahahahaha. Akala mo naman apaka bait ko na talaga noh? 

While I will be putting time and effort in spending more time with myself because mhie, ngayong araw ko naramdaman ‘yung mega pagod since Feb. 20, I will also find more time with my dad and the big, big family. LOLOLLOLLL. Hassle lang kasi natampal ko si E kanina kasi ang arte-arte na kunwari iyak-iyak... proof na I don’t like kids talaga. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Akala ko kasi si Vici karga ko pero later, friends na kami ni E. Hahahahaha.  Gusto ko lang ‘tong post na ‘to as a reminder nitong araw na ‘to. Plus, girllll, my dream bike is coming soon. In the color that is my vibe. Hahahaha. Maka-dream bike naman noh? Akala mo talaga pangmalakasan. Pero super bait din ng seller and willing to wait siya kasi mag-focus muna ako sa mga ganaps pagbalik sa office because, ayoko na lang ulit isplook. Sana kayanin ko, mhie. Sana tama ang decisions ko in life because, road to adulting na talaga tayo with a heart. Charet. 

Thankful din talaga ako kasi dumating ito sa perfect timing. Mahirap? Super. Challenging? Yes na yes. Worthwhile? I’m betting my life on it. :D Akala mo naman Grey’s Anatomy or NA ang deliverables noh na life and death ang deadlines? Pero, darating din tayo sa part na masasabi kong I’m doing something for the greater good. Kapit lungs. Need ko lang talagang i-choose ang battles ko and remain true to my core and most importantly, my intentions. Ems.  Babu for now! Dami ko pang tambak na chores and tasks. 

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

It annoys me when people complain about Julian and call him “whiny “. The person that John hurt the most throughout his whole life is his own son! I feel like this gets glossed over because he was more attentive to Sean “At least he was a good father to one of his children”. John failed Julian massively. Having Sean should’ve motivated him to try harder with Julian but I feel like it demotivated him because he realised how much of Julian’s life he missed and that made him feel bad about himself. Even in May’s book she says that John would’ve avoided Julian for the rest of his life to avoid feeling bad about himself & the choices he made with his life. And even when he got his visa he was happy to fly to other countries but not the country containing his son! I mean c’mon that’s very shitty and inexcusable. People can’t relate to John’s callous treatment of Julian so it’s downplayed and undermined by the excuse of “Oh well, John was better with Sean”. I know John appeared more motivated towards the end but doesn’t absolve him of the damage and pain he already caused to his son.

I try to understand John’s neglect of Julian from his perspective - I don’t want to excuse or justify it, but I still want to know what was going through his head to make him treat Julian the way he did - but I just can’t really understand it in the same way I feel like I can empathise with a lot of John’s other flaws. Like I feel like I can understand Johns mistreatment of certain people, or his mood swings, or his anger etc. But when it comes to Julian I struggle to understand him, and I just think its such a shame that Julian never got the closure he deserved with John. But I guess a few things to keep in mind when discussing this are:

1. Alfs abandonment

That Johns father, Alfred, abandoned him at such a young age, this might have affected John in such a way that made connecting with children a real challenge. Of course, he ideally still would’ve made an effort to connect with Julian more - but I guess that this was 1963, and he was someone who at this point had had absolutely no therapy. John’s own father I think was placed in an orphanage around the age of 5, so this neglect and abandonment appeared to be a bit of a cycle within the Lennon family-tree. Alf didn’t develop the neurones to be able to connect with his son the way a father ideally should be able to, and therefore John had trouble forming these connections too.

A real tragic story regarding this disconnect is one that ive heard Paul tell a few times (see this interview at 6:24 to hear him tell it). He essentially compares his ability to just naturally connect with children, to John’s inability to do the same; Paul grew up in a household where children and babies alike were around all the time - and in addition to this, there seemed to have been a lot more affection involved in his early environment compared to Johns. So when Paul was able to pal around at ease with Julian, John asked “How do you do that?” - and its unfortunately just not something you can just learn. I think John did want to be able to relate to Julian, and a part of him wanted to be a real dad - but I guess he just lacked the initiative to do so, as well as not having the needed facilities provided for him to be able to function as “good” parent (< or in other words, that man needed alottttttttt of therapy omg—)

2. Aunt Mimi’s coldness

I think by now its sort of been established that im not Mimi’s no. 1 fan - I don’t hate her, and I think she genuinely loved John, but ive been pretty critical of what I perceive her parenting style to be like. One aspect of this parenting style is that I think she was cold and deprecating towards John, which I presume took a toll on his relationships in such a way that made him susceptible to cynicism and even bitter contempt towards those he loved most.

“She never hit him: her worst punishment was to ignore him…When she did, he’d plead, ‘Don’t ‘nore me, Mimi!’” - I think that this type of parenting style could have effected the way John relates to Julian, perhaps making him feel it was okay to abandon him, maybe as a result of some unrecognised childhood angst or revenge.

Theres also a story where I think John said something to Julian a long the lines of, “I hate your laugh!”. Like, Jules was just some four year old living his life and then John, his own father, had this massive fucking mood swing. I feel bad for Julian cause my parents were like this (had random fucking mood swings and said some pretty contemptuous things) so I can empathise with him. At the same time though, I feel like I can understand John getting these mood swings (although, I don’t think that showing that kind of contempt towards a child is at all acceptable, and assuming that this sort of thing was a regular occurrence, I would say he was emotionally abusive towards Julian. Maybe John got these mood swings from Mimi (check this post for more on that).

3. Yoko’s influence and isolation

I think we first have to take into account here that John had a history of neglecting and failing Julian, and from what im aware of, he only started making contact with him again during his ‘Lost Weekend’ after being encouraged to do so by May Pang. So I don’t think we can make Yoko take all the blame for Johns neglect of Julian (and certainly not his emotional abuse towards Julian). But I think we have to also account for the fact that Julian has stated Yoko would refuse to put him through when he would ring his dad. And I just don’t know how much John had to do with that - as in, I don’t if John knew Yoko was isolating him to the extent that she did, or if he was unaware that she was rejecting several important and significant figures in his life.

For what its worth, Julia Baird wrote in her memoir of John urging (or really, begging) her to go to Cynthias house and ask Julian to phone him, because he hadn’t been able to get through to Julian, and he was trying to construct a better relationship with him around this time (this was before Sean was born, like you said, he seemed to lose motivation with Julian after Sean was born). I don’t know why Julian wasn’t taking his calls around this time - John seemed to think it had something to do with Cynthia, perhaps it was an autonomous decision made by Julian, perhaps it was entirely just a misunderstanding; I don’t know.

When it comes to Yoko, im conflicted - to some extent, I think John was being manipulated by her, and she was clearly isolating (even abusing) him - but also, he’s a grown man, and so he had to take the initiative for his own life. So I don’t know, but id say she is still partly responsible for spoiling Johns relationship with Julian.

~ ~ ~

At the end of the day, all I can really say is that John was just a classic case of parents needing therapy before they start, y’know, parenting - but it was 1963, and thats just not something most people underwent back then, especially people with more complex and unrecognised traumas, as well as mental illnesses that, whilst prevalent, may not have been so apparent. To clarify that point, I think John could function well-enough in his day to day life to be able to get by, because I don’t think his traits of mental illness tended to disrupt his life to such a degree that he could not function (at least not in 1963, though in later years, id argue more so they did; but even still, I don’t think John tended to struggle with mania or psychosis etc.) But I think he was still dealing with mental illness in a way that wrecked almost all meaningful relationships for him, as well as made feeling love and functioning as an emotionally stable and consistent person, a real hardship and challenge for him. And this inability to feel loved and cared for etc. made being a parent, quite simply, impractical. He needed therapy, and its a shame he died before ever receiving real therapy because it would’ve been interesting to see how John might have come to terms with really acknowledging his failures as a parent, and because Julian might have gotten some real closure with his dad.

All in all, I think Phillip Larkin said it best

[johns-prince]

Let's play the speculation game and say McLennon was real. Going with the common idea that Paul dumped John in India, wasn't the "let's all be friends, write together and go on double dates with our wives" angle Paul seemed to hope for completely delusional? Why would someone with John's issues stick around and celebrate Paul's happiness with someone else after being downgraded?

I have great respect for Paul's decision of not being John's nanny/handler for the rest of his life. But I've always been annoyed by his inability to let the man go for good. Paul, you've made your choice, my friend. Enough with the sad songs about not being called back or turning up on John's doorstep with a guitar when the he was spending time with his own family. People hate that but some things in the world really are black or white. You can't have it both ways.

Why speculate when we know it was and is real 

Alright so, let me try to unpack my thoughts cohesively get ya tinfoil hats on y’all;

If we go with the theory that during 1967, when Paul and John were practically living together and conjoined at the hip, taking LSD together and sharing those intense and intimate experiences that even Pau’s girlfriend Jane had become envious of— John had come to the realization of what he wanted, finally acknowledged it and came to accept it. 

So in India, John tried to confront Paul about their relationship and their “relationship,” and openly admit to Paul that he wanted more, that he was now willing to leave Cynthia and Julian for a life he truly wanted or desired, and that included Paul (but to what extent is what we debate I guess) 

And now that I’m thinking about it, we also know John was sort of beginning to spiral downward in 1968. It was obvious his marriage with Cynthia was at it��s end, and he didn’t want to work on it anymore. He was surrounding himself more with druggies, an unsavory crowd that Cynthia really didn’t approve of (Yoko was part of this crowd) and he was actively pulling away.  

I think John was realizing that, he just wasn’t happy. That, putting everything he had into becoming one of the most successful musicians in the world, to become bigger then Elvis Presley, didn’t make him happy. It didn’t fix what needed fixing in him, what needed addressing. He was still drowning despite it all. 

So you’ve got the trip to India, the boys going in hopes that perhaps the Maharishi Mahesh Yog and his spiritual teachings would somehow give a new perspective on things, produce the answer that would save the band (save John and Paul) from what appeared to be an inevitable downfall. But as we know, that isn’t what was needed. 

John and Paul needed to talk. The lack of consistent communication between them for years and years, and the fact John needed a therapist, he needed rehab. So did Paul, during the White Album era. 

I don’t believe Paul dumped John, but I do think John could have easily misconstrued Paul taking a step back and not willing to just go blindly, impulsively jumping off a theoretical cliff with him, as being rejected. We know Paul had to sort of take the position of ‘think before you leap’, to be more conscious of the actions and decisions he and the others decide to take, and how it would effect them as individuals, and especially them as a band (because frankly the others wouldn’t) and we know that John could be incredibly impulsive, only thought of the consequences after the fact. That, and who’s to say such a proposition and confrontation from John hadn’t scared Paul? Got him feeling those insecurities of his own crawling up. 

Paul wanted a traditional family, he wanted to have a wife and children. But Paul also wanted John, he wanted and loved Lennon-McCartney, and he didn’t think (or he’d hoped) him getting married and having a family would really change anything between them (because John got married and had a kid and they were still able to do go and do whatever they wanted together, so what was the difference—) that he could still keep what he had with John, that they could still stay together after The Beatles split. Get around to writing that musical, and grow old together still writing and making music, still creating together.

How I see it, is that Paul wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

Paul, being fine with keeping the status quo between them, it was safe and enough (right?), but John vehemently wasn’t fine with it anymore, and it wasn’t enough for him. Nothing was enough for him, as we know; John was a very all-or-nothing individual, and expected complete devotion and love from someone, because receiving less felt like rejection and abandonment was only around the corner. This way of feeling and thinking for John was only exasperated by the drugs, his alcoholism, and his spiraling mental health. 

Paul could have tried compromising with John, and John still could have taken that as a complete rejection of his feelings and what he wanted, and what he had hoped and thought Paul also wanted. 

I believe Paul probably didn’t even know himself what he had done wrong, or that he did anything wrong. I don’t think Paul believed he was downgrading John to anything either.

If only they had talked.

Then they returned from India, and the rest as we know it...

“To me, a summary is something like: “gifted, disturbed boy with tremendous amount of drive to outrun a bad childhood discovers love for music and creative soulmate(s) and gives everything he has to become the most famous musician in the world, hoping it will make him happy. He does, but it doesn’t, and people who don’t have his best interests separate him from his friends, his creation and creative spark, and ultimately himself. He’s too screwed up by addiction, mental illness, and unaddressed traumas to change things, so he retreats further into addiction and mental illness, wishing he could somehow regain his lost spark. He makes a few halfway steps toward doing so, but they’re not enough, and ultimately he is killed in front of his apartment building where, 24 hours later, his wife installs the man she had been sleeping with behind his back.”"

— Michael Bleicher, The Artist as a Dissipated Man: Fred Seaman’s “The Last Days of John Lennon.”

Right, so both John and Paul made their choices in life. Some choices and decisions that we as fans and outside observers might never be able to understand, or agree with.

But who’s to say Paul (and John), couldn’t, didn’t, or don’t regret those choices and decisions? 

I get what you’re saying, I understand. Why can’t Paul move on? He made his choices, why is it 40, 50 years later, that Paul can’t just let John go? Let sleeping dogs lie, all that.

Because Paul loved John, still loves John, to this day. 

Because, clearly Paul has some regrets. He regrets how things were handled during the Divorce. He regrets not hugging John enough. He regrets not telling John, when he had the chance and time, that he loved him (and without the help of alcohol) When you love someone so deeply, and suddenly, without warning, they’re taken from you and the world, you regret a lot, and you miss what could have been, the ‘What if’s.’ 

Paul said that what he and John were, were soulmates. I don’t know how it feels to lose a soulmate. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to know how it feels to get the opportunity to love and be around them. 

How awful do you think it is to meet your soulmate, but you cannot freely love them? Can’t just, be, with them? Not in just one way, bestmates, legendary partners, but, as everything that the word Soulmate brings along and includes with it? 

That God decided to have them be of the same sex, during a time where it was illegal to love and be with someone of the same sex, and could even be a potential death sentence to be assumed or thought of as a ��queer.’ 

So, you take whatever you can with them. 

Then that isn’t enough. One grows restless, desperate for more. It can’t happen, not realistically, not without consequences of varying degrees. 

Strain, miscommunication to none. They communicate through a musical, artistic language which just isn’t enough. Drugs, alcohol, mental illness and emotional turmoil, it’s all too much. It breaks. Soulmates are still flawed human beings. 

You have people who work to purposefully pin them against each other. Parasites and piggybackers. 

A nasty divorce and breakup between two lovers that never were.

And then, after ten years, it’s happening. You two are talking again, things are tense and awkward still sometimes, but something’s changed. You’ve planned on reuniting, couldn’t do it this year, because the studio you wanted was booked. So you plan for after the New Year. 

Then, your soulmate is killed. Just, taken away from you, like nothing. Violently and suddenly. And all the possibilities... The time... Gone. Ripped away from both of you.

I can’t blame Paul for not letting go. I can’t say I’d ever be able to understand the sort of pain and heartbreak he experienced. He still goes through it! It’s still there. He’s just learned how to manage it a bit better. 

I’d say it’s more pathetic then it is annoying— and I don’t mean it in a way to insult Paul. I really don’t. Because John was just as pathetic when it came to his obvious obsession, desire, and love for Paul, too. 

Love, that kind of soul-deep love, it can make you pathetic and hopeless. And it’s not something you can just... let go for good. 

Wanting, or expecting Paul to let go of John for good... Firstly would be impossible, and secondly, how do you let go of a soulmate? John is a part of Paul, whether some like it or not. Can’t really have one without the other. 

Can’t have Lennon without McCartney, and vice-or-versa. Forever intertwined, are they.

[pmak2002]

TW/CW: John Lennon’s death, trauma

This is based on the Linda McCartney story scene about johns death.

December 9th 1980

Paul McCartney was stunned, horrified by the news he had just received. His best friend, his music partner, the man he loved more than anyone else was gone.

He felt numb and immediately called his brother Mike. He told him to send good vibes down from Liverpool.

Then he hung up the phone and Linda came in after sending the kids off to school.

“What’s the matter?” She asked.

“Johns dead” Paul told her he was still in shock to cry.

Linda looked at him in shock. “Really?” She asked worriedly.

Paul nodded.

It was all over the news. On tv, on newspapers, everything.

Paul sat on Linda’s lap on the couch listening to the tv.

“Thousands of fans are gathered outside the Dakota to honor and remember the former Beatle. Most of them say they just wanted to be near where he was shot.” Said the news reporter.

Paul sighed heavily feeling absolutely awful. It hurt him so much. His missed his best friend.

“Poor yoko, Sean and Julian.” Linda said with a sigh.

Paul sighed heavily and took a huge shaking breath.

He was trying so hard not to cry but the next thing he knew he was full on sobbing. Linda held him tight and soothed him.

Once he calmed down he decided to go to the studio for awhile.

Mostly just to take the scary thoughts out of his head.

When he was at the studio he worked through that feeling of grief, working to him helped a lot it was better to keep pushing through than to deal with the feelings. He worked for the whole rest of the day.

After that as he was leaving the press shoved their way to talk to him, to ask him questions, to ask his opinion on what happened.

All he could mutter was a phrase that left the presses shocked and freaked out. “It’s a drag isn’t it?”

Then he went home and cried in Linda’s arms the rest of the night.

Eventually things settled down even after the comment he made pissed off the press.

Even though he missed John dearly Paul still went ahead and worked hard. He decided he’d always honor his best friend no matter what.

[monkberries]

They dealt with all of the above. Ringo was treated as a joke for pretty much everything, especially since this was the era of prog rock. His personal life was also tabloid fodder. George was derided as being a dour spiritual nut who was out of touch. He along w/ Ringo didn't get the respect he deserved as a guitarist bc his style wasn't in at the time & people knew little about his role in The Beatles. All credit went to Lennon/McCartney. 1/2

John had the benefit of having the rebel genius image, but even he became a source of ridicule with all the stunts he pulled with Yoko and the way his career declined after Imagine. He wasn't deified to the degree he was in the 80s. I'm not trying to say Paul never had a hard time, but the way this fandom talks as if he is the only one who faced extreme criticism or disrespect just tells me they haven't looked much into the other Beatles' lives. The man is more admired than most musicians. 2/2

(IDK if this screenshotted anons were from the same person or not, but I’ll just answer them in this one since it’s all the same subject.)

Here’s what I think is valid, as I see it: Paul fans are upset by the way his music was treated by the music press, especially in the first few years of the 70s, while the music of the other three were generally given at least the benefit of the doubt. They’re not upset about the tabloid gossip, the purely personal stuff – they are upset, specifically and with good reason, at the way Paul’s music was treated and the way the music world’s personal dislike of him seeped into their music reviews. I’m gonna focus in on 1970 through the end of 1974, since this is where a lot of the complaints spawn from, and things start to shift in a big way in 74. You didn’t ask but contemporary writings about their early solo music is something I’m fascinated by anyway and you turned the wind-up toy key in my back, so. Off I go. This is gonna be so, so long.

At different points in the decade, all of them were subject to a sullying of their personal reputations. That is where I do agree with you: all of them were subjected to that by the press, to varying degrees, at varying times, and for various reasons for each of them. That is just what happens to public figures the longer they are public figures. Tabloids mess with everyone no matter how beloved they are. 

However, that’s not what I generally see Paul fans getting upset about. What I see is that they’re upset at the way the much more legitimate and widely respected music press approached Paul’s music and talent in general. It is widely received knowledge now that the critics treated Paul’s music differently than they did John’s and George’s and even Ringo’s; the trashing was not “equal.” They came at John and George with the assumption that their talent was real and ongoing outside of the Beatles, their genius unquestionable, their motives pure and well-intentioned and honest. Paul was not afforded these assumptions. Some examples to show what I mean, most of them found through wikipedia, rocksbackpages, or rollingstone.com.

John

Plastic Ono Band was Robert Christgau’s number one album of 1970 in The Village Voice. from Creem’s review: “John's record, of course, has been righteously raved over ever since its release, justifiably. It's interesting and even enlightening to see a man working out his trauma on black plastic but more than that, it's totally enthralling to see that Lennon has once again unified, to some degree, his life and his music into a truly whole statement.” From High Fidelity’s review: "a tremendously exciting listening experience, perhaps the best any Beatle has ever offered." In their Imagine review, Rolling Stone called POB “perfect.” A couple reviews in the mainstream were more mixed, put off a little by the rawness of it, but overall the rock world quickly grew to see this album as a work of genius.

Imagine was even more widely well-reviewed, despite a mixed review from Rolling Stone (John fell out with Jann Wenner around this time, curiously). Here’s a passage from rateyourmusic.com: “Imagine was actually one of the most critically acclaimed albums of the year, aside from this tepid review in Rolling Stone. Indeed, much of the rock press seemed palpably relieved that the former Beatle hadn't gone completely off the deep end. ‘It's the best album of the year, and for me it's the best album he's done, with anything, or with anyone, at any time,’ Roy Hollingworth wrote in the 10/9/71 issue of Melody Maker. ‘The album is superb,’ Alan Smith agreed in the 9/11/71 issue of NME. ‘Beautiful. One step away from the chill of his recent total self-revelation, and yet a giant leap towards commerciality without compromise...I have no criticism at all.’”

Some Time in New York City was admittedly John’s nadir, and the press was vicious about it, both personally and musically, deeming the album egotistical, lacking in energy, and devoid of sincerity. However, many maintained a reverence for the genius that came before it and hopeful encouragement for the future. Rolling Stone said that “The Lennons should be commended for their daring;” Creem said it wasn’t half bad; and even though NME’s article was scathing, it ended with a plea for John to return to form, saying, “Don't rely on cant and rigidity. Don't alienate. Stimulate. You know, like you used to.”

Mind Games, though reviews were mixed, fared far better in comparison. Again, there is a hopeful tone to the reviews, a sureness that John can do better. From Rolling Stone talks about the music being a return to POB form, but the writing is his worst yet; however, Landau qualifies this by saying the lyrics aren’t “offensive, per se, just misguided... [John Lennon’s admirers] might even be able to withstand something more challenging” and then praises John’s voice, his production, and a few individual songs. In Melody Maker, Ray Coleman says, “if you warm to the rasping voice of Lennon and, like me, regard him as the true fulcrum of much of what came from his old group, then like any new Lennon album, it will be enjoyable and even important.” Christgau is more middling but also says, “Still, the single works, and let's hope he keeps right on stepping.”

Walls and Bridges seems confusing to reviewers in retrospect. They couldn’t seem to come to a consensus on it. The musicianship was widely praised, for the most part, though Rolling Stone criticized the first side on this front; reviewers alternately said it was “the latest chapter in John Lennon’s Identity Crisis” (Creem) and “truly a superb album by any standards” (Melody Maker). Throughout the Rolling Stone review, the author is able to thoroughly critique the songs, for better or worse, with a neutral affect and without resorting to insulting John personally. He ends the review on a positive note: “When one accepts one’s childhood, one’s parenthood and the impermanence which lies between, one can begin to slog along. When John slogs, he makes progress.” Again, even though the reviews aren’t all positive, we can see, especially and most importantly in the most influential rock magazine of the time, the acknowledgment of his talent, a sense of excitement for what John will do next, and a belief that his work is authentic and honest.

George

All Things Must Pass, I mean. Apart from a couple of outliers like Christgau in The Village Voice (he called it “overblown fatuity”), it was incredibly, almost universally beloved by the music press when it came out. There was quite a bit of surprise that such a talent had been under everyone’s noses all this time, but I don’t think anon is quite correct that all the credit for the Beatles went to Lennon/McCartney. For example, Ben Gerson in Rolling Stone recognized George’s talent within the Beatles like this: “Up until now, George has been perhaps the premier studio musician among rock band guitarists. From the electronic whine which began “I Feel Fine” to the break in “Hard Day’s Night” to the crazed, sitar-influenced burst on “Taxman,” George exhibited an avant-garde imagination and a technical flawlessness, as well as the ability to stay within the bounds of a song, which has remained unparalleled.” In Melody Maker, the feeling of journalists was summed up thusly: hearing the album was “the rock equivalent of the shock felt by pre-war moviegoers when Garbo first opened her mouth in a talkie: Garbo talks! – Harrison is free!" The personal nature and honesty of the lyrics were praised as well; Time described it as an “expressive, classically executed personal statement.” Ben Gerson did call his proselytizing offensive, but in the next sentence says that George redeems himself from that with the personal plea in Hear Me Lord.

Concert for Bangla Desh - again, some cynicism from Christgau in The Village Voice (must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed that day) and of course tax issues dogged it later, but overall, for the rock press at the time, this was a crowning achievement that George pulled off. He was praised all over the press, countercultural and mainstream, for his live musical talent, the group of musicians that joined him, the lack of political motivation, the sincerity and goodwill, and George’s ability to bring back  "a brief incandescent revival of all that was best about the Sixties" (Rolling Stone). To this day he is credited with creating the model for future charity concerts. 

Living in the Material World - Nothing could have topped the one-two punch of ATMP and the Concert for Bangla Desh, but honestly, LITMW came pretty close for some journalists. Rolling Stone again praised George’s honesty and authenticity: “ Despite the occasional use of “psychedelic puns,” Harrison’s lyrics are so guileless they convey an extraordinary sincerity that transcends questions of craftsmanship. Similarly, the devotions we are called upon to share with Harrison, though they communicate no specific, private torment, do have the authenticity of overheard prayers and are therefore sacred.” Melody Maker said, "Harrison has always struck me before as simply a writer of very classy pop songs; now he stands as something more than an entertainer. Now he's being honest." The pushback against his pious attitude and lyrics picked up some steam with this album, particularly with Christgau (again) and Tony Tyler of NME, who called it “so damn holy I could scream.” However, it was far from the consensus opinion at the time, and with the biggest rock magazine in the world at your back, you can withstand quite a bit.

Dark Horse, oof. That poor man. It did get some positivity in Billboard and Melody Maker, but my god, the reviews for this album and its subsequent tour were so cruel. I suspect when these anon(s) talk about the others being treated terribly by the press as well, this, along with John’s STINYC, is one of the examples they would give, and they’re not wrong about that. This was the point where George’s piety and what they perceived as a sanctimonious attitude finally started really getting to everyone, and the album plus the tour was the perfect opportunity to dogpile on him. I guess it was to be expected; no one can ride that high forever, and the press loves to knock people over and kick them while they’re down. Rolling Stone called it “disastrous,” “shoddy,” and called his guitar work “rudimentary,” eventually declaring that George had “never been a great artist.” This from the same magazine that was practically worshipping at his feet the year before. Yowch.

Ringo

Sentimental Journey - The less that’s said about this album, the better.

Beaucoups of Blues was actually quite well-received. No one called him a genius for it, and it wasn’t a serious personal record and therefore wasn’t treated that way, but journalists seemed uniquely able to let themselves enjoy this record despite the serious/political/personal tone of most musicians at the time. Melody Maker believed Ringo had  "conviction and charm" and that because of that, the album stripped away the serious “hip posturing” and let you just enjoy the music on its own terms. The Village Voice said that Ringo was “good at making himself felt.” Although Rolling Stone’s tone was a bit more cruel than other magazines (there was a crack somewhere in there that Ringo wasn’t as smart as John), it also called him lovable and the record “a real winner” where the songs “sound terrific.”

Ringo was a total smash and I think people forget this. It’s remembered only because it’s an album that was worked on by all four Beatles, but actually, the critics fuckin loved it. Ringo was praised in Rolling Stone for his unpretentiousness, sensibility, and essentially collaborative nature: “Ringo was always the figure of conciliation within the Beatles, undoubtedly the most genial, conceivably the most sensible, and the one with the smallest musical axe to grind. His very lapses bespoke the esteem in which the others held him; had they not liked him so much, those perfectionists would never have allowed him to sing. Perhaps because as the drummer he stood outside the process of creation, he had the best perspective from which to see the Beatles as a unity. Ringo has never had any pretense of self-sufficiency. Once he had gotten his special projects out of the way (projects for which John, Paul and George's talents would have been unsuited anyway) Ringo was ready to call upon the three most obvious people to assist him with writing, singing and playing. As Starr's first "pop album," Ringo signifies a homecoming, not just of family, but in musical style as well.”

Goodnight Vienna was kind of a minor album for Ringo, but still, reviews were pretty good. Rolling Stone praised his “unalloyed sincerity which is his trademark and trump card.” Yet again, we see the theme of authenticity popping up in these reviews - if you are perceived as authentic, honest, and sincere, that takes you a long way with music reviewers in this time period, and Ringo was nothing if not wholly, completely himself.

Paul

McCartney - One of the main complaints of Paul fans is that Jann Wenner forced Langdon Winner, the author of the review for this album in Rolling Stone, to rewrite his article and put a more negative spin on it. The result is that Winner praised most of the music but totally undermined his own praise by questioning the authenticity of the tone and deriding the press release that came with the album as much as he praised the music. He ends the article like this: “I like McCartney very much. But I remember that the people of Troy also liked that wooden horse they wheeled through their gates until they discovered that it was hollow inside and full of hostile warriors.” This was a huge blow at a time when personal authenticity and substance were considered paramount. Melody Maker also questioned the legitimacy of his genius, saying “With this record, [McCartney's] debt to George Martin becomes increasingly clear.” Most other reviews weren’t any better.

Ram, I mean, Jesus Christ the reviews for this. It’s a widely respected album now, even made the RS top 500 albums of all time list last year, but at the time people were still so angry with Paul for supposedly breaking up the Beatles that they were still taking it out on his music a year later (imo). Landau in Rolling Stone called it “emotionally vacuous” and said it lacked conviction, saying also that it was “so incredibly inconsequential and so monumentally irrelevant you can’t even [hate it]; it is difficult to concentrate on, let alone dislike or even hate.” NME called it “the worst thing Paul McCartney has ever done.” Threaded through these reviews is a belief that the songs are devoid of meaning and that Paul’s happy domestic front is just a frustrating lie; Christgau in The Village Voice said he was “infuriated by the McCartneys' modern young-marrieds image” - infuriated because he clearly doesn’t believe it, rendering Paul dishonest and his music inauthentic. Once again journalists are unable to review Paul’s music without sniping about him as a person.

Wild Life - Though the situation remains largely the same - reviewers refuse to take him seriously, believe anything he says, or treat his musical talent as anything but vacuous fluff - the reviews aren’t quite as bad as they were for Ram and a bit of positivity begins to stir. It’s evident especially in the Rolling Stone review, where Mendelsohn wonders if Paul is making crappy fluff on purpose to piss John off because it will sell just as well anyway. It’s not much, and on top of the fairly strong criticism there is almost no hope for future Paul releases: “My own conviction is that we'd be foolish to expect anything much more earth-shaking than Wild Life out of McCartney for a good long while... In the meantime the reader is advised to either develop a fondness for vacuous but unpretentious pop music or look elsewhere for musical pleasure.” But it’s something.

Red Rose Speedway Paul continues to be lambasted by a lot of the press on this album for being lightweight and having no meaning behind his songs (at this point it’s just repetitive to quote the articles, just trust me that they say basically the same thing they were saying for the past three albums too), BUT I think a nuance that gets forgotten in all of this is that Rolling Stone gave it kind of a decent review. It seems like they finally quit gatekeeping and realized that songs don’t need to have some deep personal meaning to be good. Kaye is still not very nice about Paul’s lyrics but he recognizes that he doesn’t have to take Paul’s music on the same terms as he takes John and George. Paul’s music is less personal, but that doesn’t make it unworthy. He calls it “pleasant, accessible without concentration” and praises Paul’s voice and arranging skills. It feels like for this album, Rolling Stone took the stick out of its own ass when it came to Paul and finally relaxed enough to receive Paul’s music on his terms rather than theirs. Which, imo, primed the rock world for...

Band on the Run, Paul’s comeback. Even though Christgau in The Village Voice remained unconvinced (he called it “a pleasant piece of hackwork”), almost everyone else adored it. It seems weird to us now, but the general sentiment seemed to be that people were surprised by how good this album was. NME said, “The ex-Beatle least likely to re-establish his credibility and lead the field has pulled it off with a positive master-stroke”; and although Landau’s review in Rolling Stone overflowed with praise, he also said, “I'm surprised I like Band on the Run so much more than McCartney's other solo albums because, superficially, it doesn't seem so different from them.” 

I hope I’ve been able to demonstrate a general trajectory with the musical reputation of each Beatle here. John starts off on two incredible high points, crashes and burns, and then works his way back up. He DEFINITELY missed with STINYC, but even when he followed it up with Mind Games, there was still a hopeful tone to the reviews, sort of like, “Ah, well, the last two weren’t great but we’re still looking forward to what John will give us next.” Until the Dark Horse tour/album, which did sour the press on poor George, the music press adored him. It was hit after hit with him. He could not miss. Three high points, one after the other, then a monumental crash. Ringo seems to stay fairly high, even if the records aren’t serious records. All three of them start out incredibly well, and the music press was able and willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Paul was given none of that. Perhaps because he was out of step with the attitudes about music at the time, perhaps because journalists hated him for breaking up the Beatles, perhaps because they believed John when he painted Paul as “establishment,” perhaps a combination - whatever their issue was, Paul was given no benefit of the doubt to start with, no faith in his genius, and no belief in his authenticity. He was just a hack to the music press for the first few years of the 70s; he started at the bottom and was forced to work his way up, unlike the other three. It started, imo, when Wenner forced the journalist who wrote the McCartney review in RS to rewrite the article, and it spiraled from there. He was seen as hollow and uncool, as one of the anons said, “straight” in the parlance of the time - straight meaning “establishment.” This is kind of where I do start to roll my eyes a little bit at stans, when they get upset at people calling him “establishment” and trying to prove that actually he was so anti-establishment that people couldn’t handle it or whatever, without trying to understand what the word “anti-establishment” meant at the time. But there are also really substantive arguments you can make that say Paul’s music was not taken seriously because of a personal grudge against him.

I’m not saying that all of them didn’t have run-ins with the music press. I’m saying there is nuance here that I don’t think these anons are allowing for in the first few years of that decade. They came at George and John and Ringo with a positive, or at least neutral, slant most of the time. They came at Paul with a negative one. Case in point are the reviews of Band on the Run that were surprised at how good it was. That stuff gets people’s hackles up. The others didn’t have positive reviews rewritten to be more negative. The others didn’t have albums savaged that are now on the Rolling Stone top 500 albums of all time list. I do agree that John, at least, and George post Dark Horse, had a harder time with the music press than people generally remember or care to think about – deification is retroactive, I guess, and as Paul fans we should definitely recognize that Paul wasn’t the only one who went through a rough time with the press. But I do think Paul’s situation was made uniquely and unjustifiably difficult for those first few years.

I mean, at the same time, I cannot stress enough how much this did not affect his bottom line. Despite the horrible reviews, Ram still made a ton of money, McCartney made a ton of money, Band on the Run and Wild Life and Red Rose Speedway all made a ton of money. He had a fanbase, a huge one, that followed him loyally and faithfully through the early 70s as he was getting savaged by the press, and through the middle and late 70s when he was touring. At some point, you have to step back and go, wait. Why does any of this matter? This was 50 years ago. He was a multi-millionaire then and is a billionaire now. And you are right; whenever people over-generalize and try to make the case that Paul was always badly reviewed and the others were press darlings, I tend to get annoyed because they’re totally missing the actually interesting nuances of the situation (that can be easily found online! I found most of the music reviews through snippets on Wikipedia!) In conclusion, I guess my point is that both “Paul was vilified while everyone else wasn’t” and “everyone was equally vilified” paint the events of the early 70s with brushes that are too broad and miss the nuance that was evident in the way the press interacted with their music.

[kreekey]

what's your opinion on the Yoko Julien stuff? Like how she treated him after John died

I have no definitive judgement of it, to be honest. Julian (and Cynthia) would’ve, ideally, been treated with the utmost kindness after John’s death, and their relationship with Yoko would’ve been better. That was not the case. However, Yoko also experienced great trauma after witnessing her husband’s death, and her relationship with John’s first family was not very close. @withthebeatlesgirls s��made an excellent post on this here: X. I agree with a lot of what they say, and the screenshots from Sean’s Twitter are telling.

I recently found a Reddit comment on this subject that I found interesting, please read all. Credit to /u/texum for the fantastic write-up. (Link to original thread).

Oh, neat, a bunch of hearsay that's been proven wrong.

>Yoko made Julian, John's first born son, buy back his letters from his deceased father.

This isn't true. First of all, they weren't letters, they were postcards. As Julian wrote in his book Beatles Memorabilia: The Julian Lennon Collection:

>"I had to buy all the postcards back. It's more than likely that when we [he and his mother] moved house stuff got lost or somebody would steal something."

He lost them in a move in England with his mother, some collector got them, and Julian bought them back at auction. John and Yoko never had them--the book reproduces photos of all the postcards and you can clearly see the UK postmarks on all of them. They're all dated 1971 or after, and John never set foot in the UK after that, and neither did Yoko until years after John died.

But at the same auction Julian bought these postcards, he also bought a sheet of recording notes for the song "Hey Jude" that had once been in the possession of Yoko. The recording notes are also reproduced in the same Memorabilia book. These notes had been in a suitcase of memorabilia owned by Mal Evans which Mal's book publisher had lost after Mal died. They turned up in the New York book publisher's basement about 15 years later, and the publisher gave them to Yoko to return to Mal's family, which she did. Mal's family then sold all the memorabilia at auction, and Julian bought those "Hey Jude" notes. Later interviewers conflated the two events, and Julian didn't bother to set the record straight, but if you notice Julian's wording in those interviews, he always carefully sidesteps the accusation that he actually bought the postcards from Yoko. He just says he's been using his father's money to buy his father's things back at auction.

If you think about it for two seconds, it's never made any sense: how would John have postcards he sent to Julian if Julian lived in the UK and John lived in the US? The answer is, he didn't. Julian received them, lost them, and then ended up buying them back from a collector at auction.

>John's will left nothing to Cynthia and Julian, and Yoko...fights him in court for years

First of all, why would Cynthia be part of John's will? Who puts an estranged ex-wife in their will? She already got a divorce settlement and was receiving alimony. Though she had got pretty screwed in that settlement, that's not Yoko's fault, and no second wife I've ever heard of has ever forked over money to a first wife who already took a part of their husband's earnings.

But secondly, this isn't actually true. Julian was included in John's estate. It's just that John didn't leave much of a will. It was basically a boilerplate, "If I die, my wife gets everything" except that John had set up a trust fund for Julian and Sean to start withdrawing from when they each turned 21. Julian John had started by contributing $100K per year for Julian, and then when Sean was born, he upped it to $250K per year to be split between the two of them.

But John died early, and had only been contributing to this trust fund since his divorce from Cynthia, so only about 10 or 11 years. There's was only a couple million dollars in it, and it was supposed to be split between the two sons.

Julian sued on the basis he would have got much more than that if John had lived, and he was trying to take as much as he could get. As far as Yoko was concerned, anything taken by Julian was taken away from Sean, so it took them about a decade to settle the lawsuit. In the end, Julian walked away with about $20-25 million, which was about 10% of the value of the estate at the time of John's death. He was also the sole heir to whatever value of John's estate had already been given to Cynthia through the divorce (which was considerably less, but again, that's not Yoko's fault, that's Cynthia's lawyer's).

Another really interesting comment from the same user, very much related. (Link to thread)

What did Yoko do to Julian? Julian wrote in his book Beatles Memorabilia: The Julian Lennon Collection that the postcards he bought at auction were ones he likely lost, or else were stolen, during a move from one house to another while living with his mother in the UK. The four postcards are reproduced in that book, and three of the four are also reproduced in Hunter Davies's book The John Lennon Letters. All are postmarked as received in the UK. The earliest of the four is from late 1971, where John sent his new address and phone number in New York to Julian. Meaning, those postcards were never in the possession of John or Yoko once they were sent to Julian in the UK, since John and Yoko never stepped foot in the UK between John's move to New York and his death.

There were some interviews in the late 1990s where interviewers said that Julian had to buy these postcards from Yoko, but if you actually listen to Julian's responses, he's always careful to avoid accusing Yoko directly, instead saying something more general about how Yoko never gave him anything for free and he was now using his dad's money to buy stuff he received from his dad. (Well, by his own admission later, he should have kept better track of the postcards.)

In Davies's book The John Lennon Letters, there is a letter that John sent to his cousin Liela in Scotland that details some of the drama. While Liela's letter to John isn't in the book, John is responding to her letter discussing some failed get-together between Julian and John's sister Julia. It seems that Julia wanted to visit Julian, and John had made some arrangements for it to happen, but when Julia arrived on the arranged date, Cynthia said that Julian wasn't there and turned Julia away (who had driven several hours to make the trip). John goes on to say in the letter that this was part par for the course, and he suspects Cynthia was keeping him and Julian from talking. John made weekly phone calls to Julian, and when John was separated from Yoko, these calls went right through. Julian and Cynthia even came to the US to visit once for an extended vacation. But as soon as John was back with Yoko, Julian never seemed to be there whenever John called, and John suspected Cynthia wasn't relaying his messages to Julian that he'd called. In the series of letters between John and Liela, it seems that Julian had an open invitation to come visit in New York any time he wanted to (John couldn't leave for most of the period due to visa issues) but there were only a handful of actual visits between 1971-80. John believed Cynthia was deliberately distancing Julian from him.

That's not to say John was a good dad. He hadn't been a good dad before the divorce and he did move to a different continent. But Yoko wasn't the issue. It seemed to be rather run of the mill arguments between the divorced parents, John and Cynthia.

The only other "bad" thing Yoko has ever been accused of regarding Julian is the lawsuit over John's estate. But again, this isn't really Yoko's fault. John died without any estate planning, just a boilerplate will that said his wife gets everything. He had started a trust fund for Julian and Sean, but at the time he died, it had a couple million dollars in it, or thereabouts, to be split between the two sons. Julian sued to get more, and there was surely some settlement offered along the way, but any smart lawyer is going to try to get as much money for their client as possible. It eventually was settled, but it took ten years. The amount was undisclosed, but the rumor is that Julian got around $20 million, which was around 10% of the value of the estate at the time of John's death. Maybe that's "unfair", but keep in mind also that John had already given a large chunk of his estate to Cynthia during their divorce, so Julian was heir to that, too. (Though Cynthia did get pretty screwed in that divorce - but again, that has nothing to do with Yoko, and everything to do with John and Cynthia's divorce lawyers.)

Overall, though, Yoko never really did anything in particular to Julian. Julian may have been upset about some money issues, but again, that's due to John's shortsightedness more than anything. Yoko and Julian never had much of a relationship from 1971 on, when Julian was still only eight years old, because there wasn't much visiting going on. And the reason for the lack of visits doesn't seem to be attributable to Yoko.

Unfortunately, there’s been a lot of misinformation or conflation about Julian and Yoko’s relationship. Sorry I quoted a whole bunch, but this user put it better than I ever could and actually made me aware that I held a bunch of assumptions that were actually incorrect about how Yoko and Julian's relationship functioned.

Here, Julian states that he’s forgiven Yoko:

I would assume that Julian and Yoko had time to reconcile and if he’s forgiven her, then fans should respect that and I think their relationship has bettered. And I think that if he had forgiven her, there must be a reason. Fans may not know the exact details why Julian forgave her, but there is no obligation and I’m just happy to hear that peace has been given a chance, using that same cliche from the video haha.

I do not think Yoko’s relationship with Julian makes her an evil person, though, not at all. I earnestly think she tried to do her best, but after seeing her husband's death, it changed her for a while. But her actions regarding Julian are sometimes twisted to make her sound like a deliberate villain, which I disagree with.

[dropintomanga]

Behind the Blog - 20 Years in the Making

5 years ago, I wrote “Behind the Blog - 15 Years in the Making.” It was a post detailing how I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2000 and the experiences that led to me starting this blog. 

Now it’s 5 years later and I want to look back at that post a bit. I’m also going to discuss further insights about my past that I remembered and recent thoughts learned over time.

In my recent post about Komi Can’t Communicate, I mentioned my parents being worried about me having a possible communication disorder at the age of 2 and their decision to put me through special education classes. I joke that my life was doomed from the start even though it turned out I was alright. My father recently told me that when I was in pre-kindergaren, he was stalked by two men who wanted to rob him. After going on a school trip, I was dropped off by the special education class at a certain spot and my father went to pick me up. Once he did, he realized he was being followed while taking me home. Thankfully, he went inside a store with a security guard at the front door and nothing happened.

I’m really glad that nothing bad happened in front of my eyes. I don’t know how I would have processed it all. My parents have told me stories of how bad New York City was back in the 1970s’-1980s’. They have been robbed several times when they first moved to America. Before I was born, my mother was pregnant and was chased by three men who wanted to rape her. She got away, but fell down to the ground while escaping. My mother had a miscarriage as a result. The funny thing is that a few months later, she was pregnant with me.

It’s so freaking surreal to me whenever I think about that. I would not be here if it weren’t for that incident.

I also think back to that time in 2001 when I decided to be hospitalized. I told a college guidance counselor back in 2000 that I was hearing voices. That was a big reason why I stayed at the hospital. In hindsight, I was faking it. I think I just wanted attention and did it in a way that hurt everyone around me. I never heard voices at all. A thing that people with mental illness sometimes like to do is to dramatize things to get the attention of those around them. While it’s important to address their concerns, caregivers aren’t gods. They’re human beings with boundaries. Caregivers are placed with unfair expectations on handling mental illness in their loved ones. Now that I look back at the situation, I wished someone was there to shut me up in a compassionate way.

Speaking of college, there was one guidance counselor who I spoke with before I dropped out that said something that resonated with me. She said, “You know, I can see you being famous one day.” I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn’t pay much attention. After starting the blog, I went back to that college to attend an anime convention there and hoped to speak with that counselor again. I wanted to thank her because at the time, I felt that she was right in some way as I was going up the ranks in the manga blogging community. Unfortunately, she wasn’t working there anymore.

It’s funny because I’m not interested in chasing fame much anymore. I’m content with where I’m at.

I now want to think back to this passage I wrote in the 15-year post.

“But I’ve gone on to stay in good shape and I’m healthier than almost all of my relatives. I think it’s because deep down, I really wanted to live despite those dark desires. That or those good habits provided some physiological relief. I don’t think I’ll ever try to commit suicide. I’m too much of a coward for that. I’ve only just started to “live” a normal life honestly.

I was reading Noragami Volume 7 and it highlighted an important note about the main character, Yato. He is afraid of being forgotten. I think almost all depressed individuals have some fear of that. We want to be validated and we want people to let us know that they care. I also remember Great Teacher Onizuka Volume 17, where one of my favorite characters, Urumi Kanzaki, was going to commit suicide despite all pleas by her teacher, Onizuka, to stop doing so.

He went to great lengths to save Urumi and she realized how much he cared about her well-being. Do I want someone to sacrifice their own lives to save me? I don’t know, but I feel that I want to know that even in the darkest of moments, someone would come and physically stop me from going down a path where I never come back. In Noragami Volume 7, there was a moment where Yato saved a suicidal student and told him to never kill himself in front of him. I want to be the person to stop someone from ending their life.

It’s funny, right? I have thoughts about dying several times throughout my life, but I don’t want anyone to end their lives in front of me or other people. Maybe it’s because I don’t want them to understand how I felt. No one should. The thoughts I have can be warped and frightening to many.”

Here’s the sad thing - I considered suicide a year later after this post. I felt someone wanted me to go away for good. Someone did save me though. And then stuff happened that led me to question relationships (which thankfully got a lot better as the years went on). 

But after it was said and done, starting around 2017, I began to stop hating myself. I still have doubts from time to time and I realize that it’s okay to think about them. The world still treats people with mental illness and mental health problems like crap, so I decided to be more forward in learning how to best fight that kind of discrimination. I practiced self-compassion over self-esteem. That was the start of limiting my social media presence in an attempt to not feel pressured by external validation. This year, before the COVID-19 pandemic hit, I also stopped attending therapy with mutual agreement from my social worker and psychiatrist. I felt like I can finally start to manage things on my own. 

It took 20 years to reach that point and I have felt some shame that I’m not at the level of my peers that are the same age as me. I’m getting close to 40, but feel like a 30 year old. I try not to compare too much with other people because honestly, they probably have gone through tough times as much as I have. Maybe not to the extent of a mental illness, but certainly stuff that makes them question life.

Compared to how I was 5 years ago, I’m more reflective and compassionate. I’ve embraced all parts of my humanity. While people believe I’m a good person, I know I can be capable of hurting people in terrible ways in times of duress. I don’t have this highly inflated positive view of myself. In a way, that’s kept me grounded. I dislike it when people say that they’ll never be this way or feel that way. The blunt truth is that life will test you in so many ways and you’re going to make mistakes (sometimes horrible ones) whether you like it or not. Admitting that you’re wrong about certain things is something I wish more people were receptive to doing. Humility is truly a mind healer when cultivated properly.

I’ll end this with some lines from the video game NieR: Automata. I finally played it this year and the game left such a grand impression on me. I loved its emphasis on trying to find meaning even when everything about the world is questionable. NieR: Automata reminded me why and so many fans LOVE Japanese pop culture media. The game gets very depressing, but I found out that the game’s creator, Yoko Taro, received messages from fans who wanted to kill themselves, saying that NieR: Automata gave them hope to live. In the true ending and without giving out heavy spoilers, one character poses a question to another about the cycle of trauma happening again for a certain group of characters that went through so much due to story events, the responding character said this,

“I cannot deny the possibility. However, the possibility of a different future also exists. A future is not given to you. It is something you must take for yourself.”

I now feel that I got some strength to take a future for myself and hopefully people I care about. I finally understand what it means to take care of myself compared to 5 years ago. My “manga series” may end one day, but I’m glad to spend a good part of it writing here. I look forward to exploring myself further on this blog, thanks to you all.

[recentanimenews]

Satoshi Kon Will Always Be in Our Memories

Today, director and visionary Satoshi Kon would have been 55 years-old. Born October 12th 1963 in Hokkaido, Kon studied at Musashino Art University, and later became one of the most respected Japanese film directors of all time. While Kon is most well-known for his film Paprika (inspired by Yasutaka Tsutsui’s novel) Kon’s early career is just as rich and worthy of reflecting on as his break-out hits. Kon was, without a doubt, a master of depicting the messy inside-outs of psychological trauma and the anxieties of Japanese society. His chosen form, animation, only heightened this sense of unease in an often brutal and unforgiving world. Reflecting on the early works in Kon’s animation career, it only becomes more apparent that, regardless of how you might know his work, Kon has proven himself to constantly redefine our notion of the surreal, ourselves, and what anime can be.

  A First Taste of Blood

  The early career of Satoshi Kon is, in part, owed to the success of Akira author Katsuhiro Otomo. Otomo began his career in anime in 1987, working on the science-fiction anthology film Neo-Tokyo just before the debut of the 1988 adaptation of Akira. In his book, Satoshi Kon: The Illusionist, critic Andrew Osmand writes that Kon was working under Otomo as an assistant on the Akira manga sometime after the movie. This close association with Otomo’s style and stories would later culminate in Kon working as a key animator and art director for the 1991 film Roujin Z, also written by Otomo. 

  Roujin Z is, on the surface, a film about technology for Japan’s growing eldery population superseding its creators. It is tinged with the visual tension, claustrophobia, and strangeness that Kon would capitalize on in his iconic 1997 thriller Perfect Blue. One shot, in particular reminds me of Perfect Blue’s pop idol Mima: the student nurse character, Haruko, cleaning floors with a stained glass backdrop. Both young women are intensely dedicated to their careers until some catastrophic and deeply unworldly event strips them of normalcy. However, it isn’t Haruko’s pysche that acts as the film’s catalyst, but rather that of the old man Kijuro, who is bound to a nuclear-powered smart hospital bed. Haunted by the memory of his late wife, Kijuro is somehow able to transform the bed into a walking mecha that adopts her personality and voice. It’s already surreal and unnerving, but Kon’s unique art direction depicting the urban, yet isolating world Kijuro and Haruko inhabit only enriches the power of Otomo's work.

    While just a stepping stone into the anime industry, Kon was already proving to have a solid grasp of how art can convey a rich, troubled inner-life. Later seen in Perfect Blue and his television series Paranoia Agent, Kon has always employed a powerful pairing of place and psyche—always emphasizing that our awareness of our surroundings are always at the whim of our minds. This thematic hallmark has always been planted deep at the heart of Kon's most powerful work.

  Magnetic Rose and a Promising Future

  Back in the '80s and '90s, anime film anthologies were a hotbed of emerging talent. Maybe unsurprisingly, Satoshi Kon’s first big break as a writer was in the 1995 anthology Memories, where he produced both scripts, backgrounds, and layouts for the short Magnetic Rose—another science-fiction story based off Katsuhiro Otomo’s work. With music by Yoko Kanno, Magnetic Rose is almost like an early Kon-directed episode of Cowboy Bebop (a dream!), accompanied yet again by an unnerving cautionary tale of technology and the human mind. 

    Aboard the space vessel Corona, a crew receives an SOS signal from an unknown source. Two engineers, Heintz and Miguel, discover an abandoned space station on October 12th—Satoshi Kon’s birthday. Kon’s screenplay is powerful, striking the perfect balance of the fantastic and gruesome reality. Heintz and Miguel are entrapped into a shuttle overrun by a wayward AI, the last guardian of an opera singer named Eva who passed away alone and isolated after her lover’s mysterious death. At AI Eva’s whim, Heintz and Miguel both fall victim to their own memories and desires, all for the sake of their own grasp of reality before succumbing to the unforgiving void of space. It is far less sympathetic than Perfect Blue or Paprika for its protagonist's emotional shortcomings—in a way, this is Kon at his unpolished best. Magnetic Rose is one of Kon’s strongest works, and with its unflinching depiction of the human psyche, it no doubt proves that Kon was pioneering long before his directorial debut.

  The House Mima Built

  After the success of Memories, Kon launched his directorial career with Perfect Blue, an adaptation of the novel by author Yoshikazu Takeuchi. For the first time, Kon had near total creative control of his films; unlike his previous projects, Perfect Blue’s art direction needed to be built from the ground-up. Without the blueprint of a preceding manga or character designs, the story of Mima Kirigoe, a pop idol with a split personality and a near-supernatural stalker, was entirely in his capable hands.

  The role of memories in Perfect Blue isn’t unlike that of Magnetic Rose or Roujin Z—Mima in her pursuit to seek a new career as an actress, cannot escape her complicated past. Mima's troubled history joins Kon's dark gallery of thematic conflict: man and machine, man and evil opera singing AI, man and weird internet stalker. Kon’s characters are always moving forward, either it be Mima running away from her phantom pop idol other, or Paprika herself being chased down a dream hallway. Kon’s characters are consistently running away from, if not literally themselves, a surreal entity that is everything they hate or scared of becoming. Kon’s second film, Millennium Actress, solidified his talent as a filmmaker and of course, the rest is well-documented history.

    In the year between Magnetic Rose and Perfect Blue's release, Kon wrote the manga Opus, his final work before fully transitioning to animation. While never completed, Opus tells the story of a manga artist who cannot finish his long-running series after his main characters mysteriously becomes sentient and prolongs the final chapter's release. In a way, Opus is an appropriate predecessor to everything Kon’s directorial career is: art that reflects the artist himself, the audience second. Life imitates art, in that after passing on August 24th 2010 of pancreatic cancer, Kon never finished his final projects. A month after his death, Kon was honored in TIME, where late film critic Richard Corliss wrote: "In his art, in his life and in his grace in leaving it, Satoshi Kon was a hero, first class."

Today, I hope both old and new fans of Kon’s films are able to reflect on his earlier works and appreciate the sensitivity and passion in which he pursued his craft. He was, beyond a talented animator and artist, a man deeply devoted to his colleagues and those who supported his ambitious endeavors. Satoshi Kon will always be in our memories, not only as a director, but as someone who completely transformed our relation to art for the better.

How has Satoshi Kon's work changed your life? Let us know in the comments!

  ------

Blake Planty is a writer who loves his cat. He likes old mecha anime, computer games, books, and black coffee. His twitter is @_dispossessed. His bylines include Fanbyte, Unwinnable, and more. His newsletter is Boy Toy Box.

Do you love writing? Do you love anime? If you have an idea for a features story, pitch it to Crunchyroll Features!

By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[mywindowslookwriting]

An Expansion of Musical Suffering

When you think of musicians that have dealt with a lot of hardships in their life, who do you think of? I’m going to go out on a limb and say you thought mostly of men. Kurt Cobain from Nirvana struggled with depression and drug addiction, David Bowie struggled with fame, and practically every popular rock band has dealt with personal disagreements and difficulties. It’s something most people are aware of. As a huge music fan, and a feminist, I’m especially aware of the attention given to suffering male musicians.

But, let’s move past that into a new realm of discussion. Today, I am going to talk about three female musicians, who have also had enormous struggles in their life, but have lived through it to continue to inspire and create music today.

First, let’s talk about Yoko Ono. You know her, right? Yeah, she broke up the Beatles, and was married to John Lennon. She has long black hair, with a witchy quality to her. This is what probably comes to mind when you think of Ono, but Lennon once described her as ‘the world’s most famous unknown artist: everybody knows her name, but nobody knows what she does’.

I think it’s clear that she doesn’t really care that nobody knows what she does. Since the late 60s, she has released fourteen experimental albums, has put out numerous art books, has received human rights awards, and still creates contemporary performance art.

Ono is also a large advocate for peace, something she’s done since she and Lennon protested the Vietnam war with ‘bed-ins for peace’, where they sat in bed in their pajamas and invited the press to talk to them.

Throughout this impressive career, Ono has faced hardship. People have long attacked her for supposedly ‘breaking up the Beatles’ when in fact she really didn’t do anything beyond hang out with them while they were recording music, and the band was already close to breaking up when she met John Lennon.

She’s faced racism and misogyny, and her art has been ignored in favour of a ‘simple narrative’ regarding her romantic history. All you have to do is read the youtube comments on any of her songs to see people saying she has a terrible voice and other horrible sentiments.

But, Ono prevails. Even at 85 she’s still creating, still advocating for peace and change. With all the hatred she faced, she never gave up, never tried to be more palatable to mainstream audiences, she just kept making music and art for herself.

Now, let’s look at another female artist who has been reduced to her relationship with a man. Courtney Love is widely known as the frontwoman for the 90s band Hole, but also for her highly publicized relationship and marriage to Kurt Cobain.

Their marriage ended in 1994 when Cobain committed suicide, and then Hole’s second album, Live Through This, came out four days later. These two events have led people to believe Courtney Love killed him just for the publicity, despite there really being no evidence supporting those claims. She has faced other hardships, such as drug abuse, the death of her husband, and dealing with her personal life being discussed in tabloids for years.

But, like the album says, she lived through it. Love raised her daughter, Frances Bean, by herself, Hole’s third album, Celebrity Skin, was Grammy-nominated, and has found success as a writer and actress.

Courtney Love has also made plenty of mistakes, such as alleged drug use during her pregnancy with Frances Bean leading to temporary loss of custody. There is also a story about Love punching musician Kathleen Hanna, who I’m going to talk about soon, at music festival Lollapalooza.

And although she has flaws and is by no means a perfect person, Courtney Love has kept going. In a recent op-ed written by Hole bassist Melissa Auf der Maur, she said it’s a miracle that Love is still alive, but she is alive and she is still an inspiration and an icon.

The final musician I’ll be talking about today is Kathleen Hanna. In the 90s, she was the frontwoman for the punk band Bikini Kill, and was a co-founder of the feminist music and art movement Riot Grrrl. As a singer, her voice is like an explosion, going from screaming rage to soft vulnerability often in the same song. But, her struggles started young as she grew up with an abusive father.

Once Hanna started singing in Bikini Kill, she often faced harassment from men who didn’t understand the band’s message. In fact, she has described being in that band ‘as a war’. There’s a line from one of Hanna’s more recent songs that goes ‘We’d be told that we weren’t real punks by boys in bands who acted like our dads when they were drunk’. Even though Bikini Kill was pushing boundaries and creating change for punk girls, it was still very hard with all the hate they were receiving.

After Bikini Kill broke up, Hanna moved into electronic music with the band Le Tigre, but in 2005 Le Tigre went on hiatus because Hanna had contracted undiagnosed lyme disease. Lyme disease is a chronic illness that has a myriad of symptoms, and left Hanna too weak to at times even walk up the stairs. At one point, she even suffered a small stroke.

But in the early 2010s, she went into remission from lyme disease, had a documentary made about her, and started a new band called the Julie Ruin, which has released two albums. She’s been active as an activist, helped create a Riot Grrrl archive at New York University, and recently launched a tshirt company funding education for girls in Togo. At one point, Hanna did have a relapse of lyme disease, and has dealt with the trauma of having an ‘invisible’ illness, but is still an inspiration to many, myself included, today.

To wrap this up, let’s talk about why these women have been ignored, or ridiculed, or attacked, throughout their careers. Obviously, sexism plays a big role in this, but more specifically I think it has to do with how the world views women. We want to view women as one-dimensional, as tidy packages with which we can continue the gender status quo.

We say Yoko Ono is an unlistenable experimental musician, and we leave it at that. We say Courtney Love is a drug addict with a dead husband and too much plastic surgery, and we leave it at that. We say Kathleen Hanna is an un-punk angry man-hater, and we leave it at that. But what if we didn’t? What if we expanded the conversation, and let women be who they are as their completely real, flawed, and inspirational selves?

-written by sagan, april 30th 2019

[canmom]

What’s next for the stream? Drakengard 3!

Well, not quite next, but after we finish Dishonored on Friday, we’ll have three days to stream small games before I go to stay with @baeddel for a couple of weeks.

While I’m there, we’ll stream Drakengard 3, but with a somewhat different format. The game - played in a completionist way - is very long, and while I’m there I want to be spending time with Jackie most of all, so we’re going to...

play the game offline, recording it using my new capture card (thanks to someone on Maplin, I managed to get one unusually cheap!)

edit out the repetitive bits

stream the recording at the usual times on Twitch

possibly, with us on camera doing NieR-themed cosplays. We’ll see how that works out.

So what sort of game is Drakengard 3? It’s a prequel to the Drakengard and NieR series, released on PS3 in 2013. The devs include Yoko Taro and other members of the NieR/Drakengard team, including rarely-acknowledged writers Natori Sawako and Kikuchi Hana, as well as composer Keichi Okabe who made us all cry with NieR and Automata’s soundtrack.

Its release came in between NieR and NieR: Automata after Yoko Taro’s old studio Cavia died and Squeenix took over the IPs, and was rather coldly received on its release, but I think people are revisiting it now in light of the success of Automata. The last boss is somewhat infamous for being totally different from the rest of the game - though not in a way that’s unprecedented in Drakengard.

Despite being third in the series, it’s set a long, long time before Drakengard, and shares (almost?) none of the characters and plot. So what is it about? Expect something very different from the original Drakengard’s sickening guilt, trauma and dourness - but similar amounts of mass murder, a lot more anime girls. It’s a move from the ‘standard medieval fantasy’ designs of Drakengard towards the stylish designs of Automata.

As for the plot and themes, I’ll let @urbanfriendden describe (quoting from here):

Drakengard 3 is a break-away from earlier design philosophies in that it doesn’t make you as visceral playing it. It is a prequel, chronologically the earliest in the timeline. Instead of a world falling apart at the seams, there is ‘Dragon Europe’, governed by five powerful J-pop idols called Intoners. Matriarchies have been reinstated and there’s magic now, just saying. (There’s a lot more lore in the extra materials and novellas but I will be skipping over those for practical considerations!)

The world seems stable, but then there’s you. Or rather, there’s Zero. Instead of a silent protagonist that serves as a conduit for madness and agency-guilt, Drakengard 3 features an actual person who is also my wife. Her endearing character traits are: hypersadism, murderous lust, and hypersexuality, but she owns them, you know?

So that’s gonna be an experience - one that might make me wary, but Yoko Taro’s won quite a bit of trust. Anyway, watch the intro sequence above for a taste. Or, check out this clip-based trailer sequence that plays before the main menu...

It looks like a very different tone from NieR: Automata, but if Yoko Taro et al. are up to their usual standards, it’s going to make us cry a lot. Also: the boss fight music kicks ass (and was also used in the original YoRHa stage play - maybe one day we’ll get a translated version, lol...)

So that’s the plan. I’m really excited!

In the meantime, I’ll figure out some short games to stream next week.

[octaviaspvcks]

                                             TASK [ 003 ]                                             QUESTIONNAIRE

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Octavia Monraue

Nickname: Octi, Octopus, Tavie, Ava.

Birthday: 17/01/1994

Age: 24 Years Old  

Gender: Female

Place of Birth: Great Malvern, Worcestershire, England.

Places Lived Since: Manhattan, Washington, LA, New Orleans, Santa Barbra &  Jehirco. Arizona.

Nationality: English, Greek, American.

Parents’ Names: Elimarie & David Monraue

Number of Siblings: None.

Relationship With Family: They had a close connection, especially growing up. They were pushing her hard to be the greatest she could be but she loved every second of it. Now of course there is no relationship after their early  demise. She misses them terribly but very rarely speaks of them.

Happiest Memory: The day she achieved her first ever award for making Lucas proud.

Childhood Trauma: Early childhood Octavia was struggling with her learning,  although extremely clever it was almost impossible for her to concentrate which really destroyed her confidence. This later came to be a condition called Low Latent Inhibition which affects the way in which the brain perceives    things around the person. It took a lot for her to get used to and overcome this obstacle in her life. And of course the death of her parents was something that completely rocked her world. With such a close family and not many friends this seemed to shatter her and the world around her.

PHYSICAL:

Height: 5’7  ( 1.72 m )

Weight: 112 pounds

Build: Athletic and Lean

Hair Color: Brown with flecks of ash

Usual  Hair Style: Drop curls

Eye Color: Hazel

Glasses? Contacts?: She only ever wears glasses to add to a disguise.

Style of Dress/Typical Outfit(s): Octavia can be seen with two different kinds of wear, one of  her typical day wear tends to be battered black or grey jeans paired with a band-t-shirt or racer tank, black doc martins and her black leather jacket. While her nightwear is a contrast where she tends to wear lavish gowns and expensive designer dresses. This comes from when she used to work as a high class con artist alongside Lucas.

Typical Style of Shoes: Day time you will always find her adorning her doc Martins, she has an array of different colours but her evening she always sports a pair of Louboutin black heels that she received as a present while spending some time in Paris. She has a large array of heels that she likes to wear.

Jewellery? Tattoos? Piercings?: Although not exactly a believer in god she very often wears a cross around her neck that belonged to her mother, she has a nose piercing and wears a lot of rings on her right hand.

Scars: She has a large scar that runs down the side of her rib cage, and one above her lip.

Unique Mannerisms/Physical Habits: She has a lot of British slang and mannerisms from living  most of her childhood in England and still holds her accent very thickly.

Athleticism: Octavia is a big fan of running and she is often seen going for a 6AM run to clear her mind, she loves listening to music and working out as much as she can. She attends the gym at least three times a week and loves boxing for sport.

Health Problems/Illnesses: Octavia has a condition called Low Latent Inhibition which affects her ability to concentrate solely on one thing and affects the way in which the brain perceives and maintains information. Because of her high IQ she manages it very well but it is a challenge at times.

INTELLECT:

Level of Education: Octavia only ever got her GED, although when she was a con     artist in New York she used to go and sit in university classes under fake names and take classes, she even sat exams under false names just so she could see what she could achieve,

Languages Spoken: English, Russian, Korean, Spanish, French, German,     Icelandic, Hebrew & Latin.

Level of Self-Esteem: Octavia  has a high self-esteem and she tends to take pride in herself but when it comes to finding love just has little to none at all.

Gifts/Talents: Languages, Music and Numbers are a big part of Octavia’s talent; multi-instrumentalist and bilinguals as well as her ability with numbers and equations. But these are only a few of her talents,  manipulative when she needed also learn a lot of things when she was working for Lucas as a Luxury Black Market Art thief. She was good with Racketeering,  Bond Forgery and Identify Forgery as well as computer hacking.

Mathematical?: Octavia is a lover of numbers, she could sit and do numbers all day and gets a thrill out of getting equations and quizzes complete as it challenges her     mind which she often feels she doesn’t do enough these days.

Makes Decisions Based Mostly On Emotions, or On Logic?: Most of the bad decisions that Octavia  makes are based upon emotion. She is a rather logically person, so when she does make mistakes or bad decisions it is usually emotionally fuelled.    

Life Philosophy: Always, always trust your first gut instincts. If you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that something wrong, it usually is.

Religious Stance: Atheist. She believes that everything happens for a reason and in reincarnation.

Cautious or Daring?: Daring when needed, she likes to take a risk and loves     adrenaline and thrills but she is cautious when it comes to her heart and things that could affect her mentally.

Most Sensitive About/Vulnerable To: She is vulnerable when it comes to the death of people close to her and the fact that she feels inexperienced when it comes to love and letting people in past the shield she has created around herself. She     worries that after Roberto’s passing that she could lose other people.

Optimist or Pessimist?: Optimist towards everything but her own love life.

Extrovert or Introvert?: She is neither of these but in fact a Ambivalent. A     combination of the two. She likes people but needs to be alone. She’ll go out and vibe and meet new people. But it has it’s expiration, because she has to recharge. If she doesn’t find the valuable alone time she needs to recharge she cannot be her highest self.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Current Relationship Status: Single.

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual

Past Relationships: One Night Stand with Russell Johnson and Crush on Lucas     Price.

Primary Reason For Being Broken Up With: Nothing to compare it too.

Primary Reasons For Breaking Up With People: There has never been a break up.

Ever Cheated?: No.

Been Cheated On: No.

Level of Sexual Experience: Octavia has only ever slept with one person, once.

Story of First Kiss: In The Howling rooms drunk on Whiskey and Music while     laughing about how much life sucked at times. She kissed Russell in hopes it would dissolve the constant feeling and yearning in her stomach for Lucas.

Story of Loss of Virginity: Octavia lost her virginity recently to Russell

A Social Person?: Octavia is a very big people person and gets/feels better whenever  she is around people. But she also likes her space to read and play music, although, she doesn’t mind doing this with people around as long as they     leave her be.

Most Comfortable Around: Leo, Lucas, Russell, Mia, Sophia, Camille & Jack

Oldest Friend: Lucas Price.

How Does she Think Others Perceive Her?: Octavia has different opinions, but those close to her she believes see her as someone with an open mind who is willing to do what  she has to do to get a job done. She is respectful and loyal and will now bow out if someone needs her.

How Do Others Actually Perceive Him?: Octavia really isn’t sure what peoples formed opinions of  her are.

SECRETS:

Life Goals: To meet someone who she can spend her life with, she does not want anything extravagant  in terms of money but she does want a love just like she reads in her favourite books and love films--- she wants to have adventures, night walks on the beach and laughter with a glass of wine around a piano at night; all she hopes for beside that is to one day have a little boy and be a mother just like her mother had been.

Dreams: Octavia has a dream that one day she’ll be married.

Greatest Fears: Trypanphobia, Claustrophobia & Pseudodysphagia

Most Ashamed Of: Although she does love her life of Crime she is ashamed of     herself for never carrying on with her education and going on to be like her mother and work for the government in languages. She feels she let her parents down, even if they are not around to see it.

Secret Hobbies: She collects stamps from every place

Crimes Committed (Was he caught? Charged?): The list of Octavia’s crimes is extensive especially from when she used to work with Lucas. Some of them contain Forgery, Racketeering, Identity Theft, International Sea Extortion, Mafia ties, Homicide amongst many more.

DETAILS/QUIRKS:

Night Owl or Early Bird?: Night Owl

Light or Heavy Sleeper?: Heavy Sleeper

Favorite Animal: Wolf.

Favorite Food: Smoked Salmon Sushi.

Least Favorite Food: Prunes, Raisins ect.

Favorite Book: War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Least Favorite Book: 50 Shades of Grey.

Favorite Movie: Black Hawk Down

Least Favorite Movie: Star Wars.

Favorite Song: Misererer by Gregorio Allegri, Tebevrae. Allegri.

Favorite Sport: Figure Skating

Coffee or Tea?: Tea

Crunchy or Smooth Peanut Butter?: She hates peanut butter with a passion.

Type of Car she Drives: Mercury Comet 1963

Lefty or Righty?:  Right.

Favorite Color: Burgundy.

Cusser?: Swear  words are used more often than normal words with Octavia.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug User?: Heavy Smoker and Drinker but she will not touch drugs.

Biggest Regret: Losing her virginity while drunk.

Pets: Octavia has a dog called Yoko.

[nancygduarteus]

The Stress of a Natural Disaster Can Take a Toll on Babies in Utero

Pregnant women are often told to avoid stress. Easier said than done. Work, school, life—stress is inevitable. And now researchers are saying they can even document an ill effect on babies when mothers confront one of the most unavoidable stressors: natural disasters.

In 2009, researchers from the City University of New York received a grant from the National Institute of Mental Health to better understand the impacts of maternal stress and depression on fetal development and long-term psychological outcomes for infants. Most of the 600 women enrolled in the study were low-income and ethnic minorities who were being served by major hospitals in the New York City area—a population, the study notes, that is already at high risk of complications for both mother and baby. These women have less access to prenatal care and medical support, in part because they often don’t have very good health insurance.

The study expanded in 2012, the same year that Hurricane Sandy flooded cities and towns along the eastern U.S. coast. This presented the researchers with a rare opportunity: In a study of maternal health, the scientific community widely considers it unethical to randomly impose stressful conditions on women and then measure the effects. But when the storm hit, it essentially created an experimental group and a control group of its own: pregnant women already enrolled in the study who lived through the storm, and women who gave birth just before it hit.

[Read: Families are getting better at preparing for hurricanes]

“The storm was horrible. The power was out and people were trapped in the basement of buildings,” says Yoko Nomura, the study’s lead author. “Those horrible things are really stressful. A mother can handle it, but the fetus is like a captive audience.” How babies handle stress is a lot like how they take medicine, she explains: You can give an infant certain medications, but the dosage has to be much lower. For a fetus, receiving even a small amount of stress hormones can have outsize negative effects.

Six months after giving birth, mothers were asked to report the frequency of certain infant behaviors and reactions, like laughing or smiling and sadness or fear. In line with existing research on stress, the results showed that for women who had already shown symptoms of prenatal depression, the storm exacerbated the consequences for their babies. They showed higher rates of distress and lower rates of pleasure seeking than babies born before the storm. In other words, living through the storm amplified the impacts of existing prenatal depression. The effect was moderate but significant, and the researchers do not yet know how or whether there will be longer-term consequences. While the researchers found that the effect was observable across income groups, it will take further research to understand the nuances of how this plays out across class and race, as the study sample was too small to draw those conclusions.

While it’s generally understood that stressful events during pregnancy can trigger depression, that maternal depression can affect fetuses, and that natural disasters can trigger depression or anxiety, “people aren’t connecting the dots,” says Asim Shah, a professor and the executive vice chair of the psychiatry department at the Baylor College of Medicine. Shah wasn’t involved with the recent study, but he’s worked with survivors of Hurricanes Harvey and Katrina.

[Read: How school children will cope with Hurricane Harve]y

“The effects of a [natural] disaster are multifaceted,” he says. In the adults Shah worked with, common responses included insomnia and anxiety. Even two or three years after Katrina, some patients experienced post-traumatic stress, which could be triggered even by normal levels of rainfall. “We don't have the tools to address trauma from hurricanes and natural disasters,” Shah says.

As climate change increases the frequency of large-scale natural disasters, lower-income mothers and women of color are likely to suffer disproportionately. After Hurricane Harvey in 2017, low-income families were more likely than the affluent to live in damaged and dangerous housing; one expectant mother profiled by the Texas Observer was encouraged to induce birth early to treat her baby for mold exposure. Either way, she would eventually bring her child home to walls filled with mold and allergens, putting the baby’s health at risk. And a recent NPR report found that wealthy, white families who own homes in relatively safe neighborhoods were far more likely to receive federal aid from FEMA than lower-income families of color who rent homes in more environmentally vulnerable neighborhoods. As a result, existing inequalities are exacerbated, which could have profound consequences for public health specifically, and maternal health generally.

After any traumatic event, getting back to a sense of normalcy can be a key step toward reducing the psychological toll. “If your house is destroyed in a hurricane and you're able to make it and rebuild with insurance, your trauma would be negligible if you're back to functionality, as opposed to a person who lost everything and doesn't have the means to rebuild a house,” Shah says. “They will be suffering for months or years.” But Shah adds that identifying a problem is often the first and most important step. “People might think it’s normal to feel anxious and stressed in pregnancy,” he says. That might stop families from seeking treatment or medication for new mothers and their children, especially if the effects of the stress manifest years after a natural disaster struck. “We have to counsel [families], and with therapy and treatment we can make the outcomes better.”

from Health News And Updates https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/03/how-natural-disasters-impact-pregnant-mothers/584173/?utm_source=feed