#yknow. the thing I said id start doing then never did

[hyper-pixels]

I was going through old snips and I found one that was inspired by Neuromancer by William Gibson. It's only a 1,000 words but it does hold up

The physical world stood way below Nex. It wasn’t an opinion of their own they decided was factual, but one where everyone who knew of Nex’s true existence knew that nothing could quite be like Nex.

And that was still a very chosen few who knew Nex was nothing more than a colony of nanites that formed together to look human.

  Nex enjoyed the sin humanity brought. Thrilled with going to hidden bars with bright lights and music that makes your head throb. Funny enough, it was the idea of getting drunk- getting sick enough to make your liver reject itself- nor the idea of finding someone to be with for the night. It was the idea of watching people. 

How they kissed even though they knew people were watching. How business men talked in nooks of the places with random strangers who came seeking their help (either knowing the cost or not, they were ready to sell their soul for their greed.) When people bite their own skin and trade off money for drugs to feed nasty habits to numb their own existence. 

Nex loved it. Even if they never had the desire to participate themselves. Sure, a few people here and there have sauntered over to them in hopes that they could entertain each other for a night, men and women, and those who are like Nex—who don’t conform to the rules—they were all beautiful in their own ways. 

Nonetheless, Nex shooed them away and went to the restroom. While unable to change the clothes, their appearance was easy to manipulate. Turning the chosen burgundy hair for the night and making it a neon green that hurts to look at it for too long. Slender fingers pressing against their cheeks and watching the chubbiness move away from their face and find another area. Becoming an entirely new person. 

It was after one of those nights. Where Nex had just come from a bar halfway across the city and a digital kiosk and was waiting for a soda to stop from the machine. The humidity and rain mixture made everything hot and sticky, bad enough that the crowd at the club was thinner than most days so the people watching weren't as fun. 

Nex bit the knuckle of their thumb. Enjoying the artificial pain it brought. Their nanites moving inside themself. Craving. Hungry. Their teeth ached and they bit harder into their artificial flesh to make the sensation leave.

   Eating wasn’t regularly needed, but Nex’s cravings for some sort of fuel was getting to them. It had stuck them so suddenly they thought the bonds would break and they’d be left with a withering, dying pile of nanites.

A woman stumbled into the street with a man. Both leaning onto one another for support. Nex’s first thought is drunk, but as they near they now notice that isn’t the case, they walk in too straight a line. Nex watched them with little shame. The woman was white and wore plenty of makeup that made her cheeks have a hard green blush with red dots to substitute as freckles. She has a loose suit with fabric attached to the waist. Her blonde hair looks to be in a tight bun that shows off her teardrop earrings. The man himself doesn’t look bad. Wearing a similar suit but with painted nails that look to be white. Expensive crimson red nanowear embedded into his face that wraps around his neck and disappears below his suit. Four rings on his left hand that would be an easy steal. They stuck out like a sore thumb. Clunky and extremely shiny.

The last of the soda goes down and leaves a horrible burning sensation against his entire body. Nex wipes some of the soda off their face with their sleeve, keeping their lips pressed against their wrist as they try to remember the rhythm their chest rose and fell. 

“Hey bud,” the woman says, using the tip of her heel to poke Nex’s hunched form. She had an appealing voice, not high pitched but now low and smooth. So smooth Nex would love to curl up in the sensation it makes them feel. “Know where the Yule is?”

A boring place where people with power meet to discuss business. It was classy, overpriced and boring as all hell. The food was mediocre from what Nex could gather. It was also on the opposite side of town in the uptown area.

“Dunno.” They lie, “never heard of it.”

“Makes sense,” the woman says. Giving a polite smile with no teeth. “You know a woman named Fae?”

“Dunno,” they repeat. This time the truth. The craving for fuel settled in the pit of their belly and right behind their jaw; their movements were becoming sluggish, desperate to jack into the web and upload data just to be destroyed after thirty days.

Before the woman can open her mouth Nex has already started to make their way across the street and continue the way they came. Mind becomes more and more hazy as they continue to walk before needing to stop all together. 

“It’s alright, Peter,” the woman says, her voice soft as she approaches. “It’s just a frequency to knock you out, you’ll be alright.”

Peter? Nex falls to their knees. Only being kept up by their arms as the man crouched next to them and keeps them from falling face first into the sidewalk. 

The craving grew. Spreading down their neck and making their artificial nerves burn. Jaw locked into place, eyes throbbing and ready to pop from their skull. Too much. It was all too much.

Nex closes their eyes, shutting down in hopes to preserve themself instead, if not the nanites.

[the-winter-spider]

Invisible | Part Six

Pairings: Bucky x Reader AU .... eventually lol

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Idiots, angst, Buckys dumb for like no reason at all. Poor steve :(

A/N: Okay im uploading part 7 directly after this cuz yall were patient when i said i was uploading part 6 last night and never did lmao, also the next two are just kinda build ups bucky and reader gonna have some words.........

Masterpost

----

Bucky sighs, running a hand through his hair as he looks at Steve and Sam, who are both waiting, wide-eyed. “Do you remember that party at John Walker’s house? It was a couple of years after you dropped out, Sam.”

Sam’s eyes narrow, thinking back. “Yeah, I only heard about it because Wanda said it got messy. And Steve… you were the one who became the keg stand champion, right?”

Steve smirks at the memory. “Yeah, that was one for the books. But what’s that got to do with anything?”

Bucky looks down, his voice soft, almost reverent. “That night… something happened between us. We’d been drinking, and one thing led to another. We, uh, we…. slept together.”

There’s a moment of stunned silence. Steve’s eyes go wide, and Sam’s jaw drops. Finally, Steve manages, “Holy crap, Buck. You two just… jumped from being best friends to that?”

Bucky nods, a small, wistful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I’d been in love with her for as long as I could remember. And that night… it felt like everything. I thought maybe… maybe it meant the same to her.” His face darkens, his voice dropping. “But when I woke up the next morning, she was gone. Just… vanished. Didn’t say a word. And after that, she wouldn’t even meet my eyes for weeks.”

Sam shakes his head, completely floored. “So you’re telling us that you two had this whole moment… and then she just left?”

“Yeah,” Bucky mutters, still looking down. “I thought maybe she was spooked, it was a lot, so I gave her some space but…” He trails off sighing, “Maybe she regretted it, or felt ashamed. Hell, I even started to think she was disgusted with herself for… being with me.”

Steve rubs his forehead, staring at Bucky with a mix of disbelief and pity. “So you’ve just… never talked about it? Not once?”

“No,” Bucky says with a bitter laugh. “She wouldn’t, and I wasn’t gonna force her to. I figured if she wanted to pretend it never happened, then that’s what we’d do, yknow id do anything for her”

Sam scoffs, shaking his head. “Buck, everyone’s known she’s been in love with you since forever. She probably thought you saw it as a drunken mistake.”

Bucky stares at him, bewildered. “What do you mean?”

“Your reputation in college, at least when I was there” Sam says bluntly. “She probably thought she was just another notch on your belt. Especially if she’d heard any of those rumours.”

Bucky looks between them, realisation dawning as he mutters, “She knew those were just rumours, were best friends, she knows me better than that, right? She had to have known they were just rumours.”

Steve raises an eyebrow. “How was she supposed to know, Buck? Everyone around campus talked about you like you were this heartbreaker, this guy who couldn’t be tied down. Best friend Bucky and relationship you are two different Bucky’s to her… can you blame her for thinking that night didn’t mean anything to you?”

Bucky stares at the floor, his expression twisted with guilt and frustration. “I just… I thought she’d know I’d never do that to her. That she was different, of course she is different it's her, she has to know that!” He clenches his fists. “I thought she was the one regretting it.”

Sam lets out a sigh, leaning forward. “So let me get this straight. You both spent years walking on eggshells, thinking the other didn’t care, and you’re both probably miserable because of it.”

Bucky shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. “It just felt safer to leave it alone. I thought it was better to have her in my life as my best friend than risk losing her altogether. I’d rather have had some of her than none at all.”

Steve shakes his head, a small, sad smile on his face. “You two have been dancing around each other all this time. It’s like you’ve been playing some drawn-out, painful game of cat and mouse.”

Bucky laughs, but it’s hollow. “Guess we’re both idiots.”

Sam gives him a pointed look. “So what are you gonna do about it?”

Bucky looks up, something vulnerable flashing in his eyes. “I don’t know. I thought I’d missed my chance. But… if she still feels the same, if there’s even a part of her that still cares…”

Steve claps him on the shoulder. “Then it’s worth fighting for, Buck. Don’t let another night slip by without her knowing how you feel, you’ve wasted enough time already”

Bucky’s face hardens with resolve, determination mingling with the lingering fear in his eyes. “You’re right. I have to tell her. I just hope… I hope it’s not too late. You’re a good friend, Steve. Thanks for this.”

Steve musters a small, bittersweet smile. “Of course, Buck. Anything for you.”

Inside, though, a quiet ache flares—a familiar, constant ache he’s learned to bury deep down. Unrequited love is painful enough, but what gnaws at Steve isn’t just his own longing. It’s the years he’s spent watching the two people he cares about most teeter on the edge of something real, only to pull back time and again. He’s seen Bucky’s yearning masked as indifference, her stolen glances that went unnoticed, and all the missed moments that could have been… if only one of them had been brave enough.

To Steve, there’s a nobility in his silence—a duty to let them find happiness, even if it’s not with him. It would be easy to resent Bucky for hurting you, for treating your feelings like a burden. But Steve can’t bring himself to feel anything other than empathy. Bucky’s been as lost as you have, caught in a battle he’s too proud or too scared to admit.

He knows, deep down, that his own feelings don’t matter here. What matters is that they have a chance, a real chance, at the happiness he’s always wanted for you, even if its not with him. And if he has to carry his love quietly, if he has to keep his own heartache in check for them, then that’s what he’ll do.

“Go tell her, Buck,” Steve says quietly, the weight of unspoken words heavy in his voice. “And don’t waste a single moment. You both deserve to know the truth.”

Bucky meets his gaze, nodding with a unsure but trusting smile. He has no idea of the sacrifice Steve is making in this moment, Steve watches him, swallowing the longing and sadness that’s always there but will never be voiced. In his own way, he’s choosing love too—a selfless love that finds peace in seeing her happiness, even if it’s not

with him.

Sam glanced at Bucky, his brow furrowing. “Hold on a second, what about Kate?”

Bucky’s face falls at Sam’s question, the name he’s been trying not to think about suddenly hitting him like a weight in his chest. Kate. Sweet, caring, loyal Kate, who had seen the best in him when he couldn’t see it himself, who had been there quietly beside him, hoping he’d come around.

He hesitates, avoiding his friends’ eyes as he tries to gather his thoughts. “I… I don’t know. Kate deserves the truth too. I thought maybe she was what I needed to finally… to finally move on.” He sighs, the regret heavy in his voice. “But that was just me lying to myself. And she doesn’t deserve that.”

Sam nods, a hint of sympathy in his expression. “Kate’s a good person, Buck. She doesn’t deserve to be anyone’s second choice.”

Bucky looks down, guilt clawing at him. “I know. And I hate that I’ve made her one. She should be with someone who’s all in… and that’s not me. It’s not fair to her.”

Steve studies Bucky’s face, understanding but also concerned. “So, you’re going to talk to her?”

Bucky nods slowly. “Yeah. She deserves to know. I need to be honest with her before I can… before I can even think about anything else.”

Steve claps a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Good. She deserves that much.”

That afternoon, Bucky texts Kate, asking if they can meet up. His heart pounds as he waits for her reply, the thought of ending things with her weighing heavily on his mind. She responds quickly, suggesting they meet at the same little coffee shop from the day before, and he heads there with a mix of dread and resignation.

When he arrives, Kate is already seated at their usual table, a soft smile brightening her face when she sees him. It makes the ache in his chest deepen—he knows that after today, that smile will probably disappear, and he’ll be the one responsible for it.

“Hey,” she says, reaching across the table to squeeze his hand. “You sounded serious in your text. Everything okay?”

Bucky nods, though the heaviness in his gaze betrays him. “Yeah, I… I just needed to talk to you about something. Something I haven’t been fair about.”

Kate’s smile fades slightly, a hint of concern clouding her expression. “What is it?”

He opens his mouth to explain, but the words get stuck, the weight of everything catching up to him. “Kate… I don’t know how to say this. You deserve so much more than I’ve been giving you. I haven’t been fair to you. I haven’t… I haven’t been fully here.”

Kate’s face softens as she reaches out, gently placing her hand over his. “Bucky, I know this hasn’t been easy for you. I know you’re… complicated. But I’m here because I want to be. Because I care about you, whether you’re all in or not.”

He shakes his head, guilt gnawing at him. “You deserve better than ‘complicated,’ Kate. I thought I could be the guy you deserve, but I just… I can’t be.”

She watches him for a long moment, and then her voice drops, quiet but sure. “Bucky, I knew what I was getting into when I fell for you. I know you’re still figuring things out, and I can be patient. I can wait if that’s what you need.”

Her words stop him in his tracks. There’s an unflinching loyalty in her eyes, a warmth and steadiness that he’s never fully appreciated until now. She doesn’t look away, doesn’t flinch, and the weight of her gaze makes his chest tighten.

“Kate, I…” he starts, but she squeezes his hand, stopping him.

“Look, Bucky, I know there are things you haven’t told me, things you don’t think I understand. But I’ve seen the way you look at me, and I think… I think we could really have something if you let us.” Her voice trembles slightly, but she holds his gaze, her own eyes filled with a quiet determination.

For a moment, he’s silent, trying to process what she’s offering him. Kate’s hope, her patience, her willingness to wait for him—it’s more than he deserves, more than he ever thought he’d find with anyone. And he realizes, with a pang, that he can’t bring himself to end things with her today. Not with the sincerity in her voice, the openness in her gaze.

After a long moment, he forces himself to nod. “Thank you, Kate. For… for everything…”

She smiles, a relieved smile that makes him feel even worse, but he doesn’t have the heart to say anything more. The truth—the messy, painful truth—will have to wait. For now, he’ll accept her patience, even if he doesn’t deserve it.

---

You sit back on Natasha’s bed, letting out a long sigh, the wine making you feel just the tiniest bit lightheaded as you stare up at the ceiling.

“I can’t go home,” you mutter. “Bucky’s over at Steve and Sam’s tonight but, when he comes home, I… I just can’t face him right now. Not after everything.”

Natasha gives you a soft smile. “Of course, you can stay here. You’re always welcome.”

Wanda chimes in, wrapping an arm around you. “We’ll have a proper girls’ night. Forget about all that for now.”

You smile, feeling a wave of relief. As you settle back, Natasha glances over at you with a knowing look. “So… what about Dean?”

You groan, rubbing your temples. “Oh, God. I completely forgot about Dean.”

Natasha grins. “I can text him, say you got cold feet or something?”

You shake your head. “No, just… leave it. Honestly, with everything that’s happened… I don’t know. I keep thinking… what if Bucky doesn’t feel that way anymore? What if all of that—what I thought we shared—meant nothing to him?”

Natasha sighs, squeezing your hand. “Look, whatever you decide to do, I’m here. I’ve always got your back, babe.”

She pauses, giving you a smirk. “But you know… we’d choose you in the divorce, right?”

You let out a laugh, grabbing a pillow and swatting her with it. “There will be no choosing! And no divorcing! Bucky and I… we’ve been friends since we were five. I don’t know what I’d do if he… if he really was out of my life for good.”

Natasha’s gaze softens. “Then don’t let him be. You’re braver than you think. Just… be honest with him. You might be surprised by what he has to say.”

You fall quiet, her words lingering, filling you with equal parts hope and dread as you lay back, trying to gather the courage for whatever comes next.

The sun is bright, and the streets are bustling as you and Natasha stroll through the city, bags in hand and laughter spilling between you as you move from shop to shop. It feels like old times, light and easy, and after last night’s heart-to-heart, you’re almost… hopeful.

You’re telling Natasha about the cute little coffee shop you spotted around the corner when, out of the corner of your eye, you catch sight of a familiar head of tousled hair. You stop mid-sentence, freezing as you take in the scene just a few yards away: Bucky, hand in hand with Kate, both of them laughing, utterly absorbed in each other.

Your stomach sinks. You watch, feeling your heart twist as Bucky leans down, pressing a soft kiss to her temple, his smile wide and unguarded in a way you’d never been able to see up close until now. He looks… happy. Truly, genuinely happy.

Natasha’s gaze follows yours, her face tightening with sympathy as she watches you take in the scene. “You okay?” she asks softly, though you can tell from her tone that she already knows the answer.

You tear your eyes away, blinking quickly to clear the sting in your eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s… let’s just keep going.”

Natasha squeezes your arm, and the two of you turn, heading back down the sidewalk. But as you walk, a hollow feeling settles in your chest, everything from the night before swirling in your mind—the confessions, the memories, the what-ifs. And now… this.

By the time you reach the next shop, you’ve already made up your mind. Bucky Barnes doesn’t think you’re worth it, and that’s that. Whatever you felt, whatever might have been between you in the past, it’s all in your head.

You glance over at Natasha, forcing a smile. “You know what? Let’s just forget about Friday. I’m not gonna… I don’t want to dwell on it anymore. He’s happy. I’m happy for him. I think… I think it’s time to just move on.”

Natasha studies you, a trace of concern in her eyes, but she nods, letting it go for now. “Okay. We’ll let it go. But… if you ever want to talk, you know I’m here.”

You nod, grateful. And just like that, you tuck the memories away, pushing everything—Friday night, college, all of it—back into a box in your mind.

After a long day of shopping, you and Natasha are finally heading back. She raises an eyebrow at the bags in your hands. “You know, you’re welcome to crash at mine again tonight if you don’t feel like facing him.”

You shake your head, trying to laugh it off. “Nah, I’ve got some work I need to finish up on my computer. Plus, I already paid rent for the month, and you know better than anyone how ridiculous rent is in New York. Can’t avoid him forever, right?”

Natasha gives you a look but doesn’t push it. “Well, you know where I am if you change your mind.”

You thank her and give her a quick hug before parting ways, gathering every ounce of courage as you head home. But when you open the door to your apartment, your heart sinks: Bucky’s there, sitting on the couch—with Kate. She’s nestled beside him, looking as comfortable as if she lives there.

As soon as you step in, Bucky’s eyes shoot to yours, and the intensity in them nearly stops you in your tracks. You can read him too well, even now. In those blue eyes, you see a mix of emotions flickering back and forth—regret, sadness, something that almost looks like relief—but you have no idea which is for you and which might be for Kate.

Kate is the first to break the silence, greeting you with a friendly smile. “Hey! How are you? Did you have a good weekend?”

You put on your best casual smile, keeping your gaze mostly on her and avoiding Bucky’s searching eyes. “Yeah, it was nice. Just got a little shopping done with Nat.” You hold up your bags, laughing softly. “Guess I went a little overboard.”

Kate laughs, glancing at the bags. “Looks like you did some damage! Special occasion or just a treat-yourself kind of day?”

You hesitate, then, glancing between the two of them. “Well, I’ve got a date on Saturday,” you say lightly, shrugging. “Needed something nice.”

“Oh!” Kate’s face lights up. “Natasha mentioned that on Friday. I’m so happy for you!” She’s smiling warmly, but you can still feel Bucky’s gaze piercing right into you, as if he’s trying to read something hidden just beneath the surface. He doesn’t say a word.

You force yourself to look away from him, meeting Kate’s eyes. “Thanks,” you say, giving her a polite nod. “Anyway, I should go put all this away.”

“Sure thing!” Kate laughs again. “Hey, if i dont see you before then, good luck on your date—he’s a lucky guy.”

You manage a smile, your heart twisting in ways you don’t want to acknowledge. “Thanks, Kate. You two have a good night.”

As you turn to head to your room, Bucky finally speaks up, his voice a little rough. “You don’t have to go, you know. You can hang out with us.”

You pause, turning just enough to look at him, this is the longest you’ve gone without speaking to him and the words that come out cut your throat, you shake your head. “No, I’m okay James….thanks, though.”

And with that, you disappear into your room, shutting the door softly behind you. Only then do you release the breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding, leaning back against the door and closing your eyes as you try to settle your racing heart.

----

The week passed in a fog of work and silence, each day dragging as you went through the motions with an ache in your chest that you couldn’t shake. It felt surreal to be in the same office as Bucky, the silence between you heavy and stifling. The two of you used to share everything—your worries, victories, and endless conversations. Now, there was a chasm between you, one neither of you seemed willing to bridge. Each day stretched endlessly, and this was the longest you’d gone without speaking to him in as long as you could remember.

At first, you tried to keep things normal, focusing on your work, staying in your lane. But the tension between you was like a third person in the room, and it made everything feel unsteady. You couldn’t help stealing glances at him, watching the way he laughed with the others, though even that sounded hollow. You missed the easy camaraderie, the inside jokes, and the playful banter. Now, every moment felt loaded, thick with unsaid words and unspoken longing.

By Wednesday night, you were drained—emotionally and physically exhausted. You’d promised yourself you’d join the group for Wing Wednesday, but as the day wore on, a familiar dread settled in your stomach. The thought of sitting across from Bucky, acting like everything was fine, felt impossible. So, you stayed home, scrolling mindlessly through your phone, wishing you could shake the emptiness that clung to you.

The next evening, desperate to clear your mind, you found yourself at the grocery store. You wandered the aisles, filling your cart with essentials, hoping the routine task would offer a brief escape. You were reaching for a can on the top shelf when a familiar voice broke through your thoughts.

“Hey! You’re alive!”

You turned to see Steve approaching, a wide grin lighting up his face. He pulled his cart up next to yours, his eyes warm with that steady kindness that always made you feel a bit lighter.

“Yeah, just barely,” you replied with a faint smile. “It’s been… a rough week.”

“We missed you at Wing Wednesday,” he said, his tone light but laced with concern.

You sighed, biting your lip. “Yeah, I just… wasn’t feeling up to it.”

Without asking, he reached over and took a couple of your bags from the cart, lifting them effortlessly. “Let me help you with these.”

You walked beside him, the weight of your bags lightened by his presence. The chill of the evening air hit your face as you stepped outside, a reminder that life was still moving around you, even as you felt stuck.

“Thanks, Steve,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady.

He glanced over, his expression growing serious. “Hey… don’t push the rest of us away. Don’t push me away because of Bucky and his nonsense.”

A sad laugh escaped you, more bitter than you meant it to be. “I’m not trying to, Steve. It’s just… hard. It’s been hard for so long, and… I don’t think I can keep doing this.”

Unshed tears blurred your vision, and you looked down, trying to keep them at bay.

Steve’s expression softened, his voice gentle. “I know exactly what you mean.”

You furrowed your brow, glancing up at him with a mix of confusion and curiosity. “What do you mean?”

For a moment, he seemed to weigh his words, as if deciding how much to reveal. Finally, he sighed, a hint of vulnerability in his gaze. “I’ve been in love with someone too… someone who I know doesn’t feel the same way.”

You felt your heart race, wondering who he could mean. You’d always thought of Steve as your steady friend, the one who was always there. A name popped into your head—Natasha, maybe? She was magnetic, effortlessly commanding any room she walked into.

“Who?” you asked softly, not wanting to pry but unable to help yourself.

He hesitated, his eyes flickering with something you couldn’t quite place, before glancing away as you approached your apartment door. Ignoring your question, he murmured, “There’s a difference, though.”

“What difference?”

He paused, then looked back at you, a weight of unspoken words in his gaze. “Yours… isn’t unrequited like you think it is.”

You blinked, his words sinking in slowly. “What are you saying?”

Steve held your gaze, his voice firm but kind. “I mean, you don’t see how he feels about you. You’re letting your own doubts twist what’s really there. You think he doesn’t want you, but I can tell you he does.” He reached up, gently wiping away a stray tear from your cheek, his hand lingering for a moment longer than necessary.

You swallowed, your heart racing. “Steve, I—”

He raised a hand, gently stopping you. “Just think about it, okay? Don’t shut me out. I know you’re hurting, but… my life without you in it would feel empty.”

He offered a soft, bittersweet smile, and gave your shoulder a reassuring squeeze before turning to go, leaving you standing at your door, heart pounding and mind racing.

[apolsup]

The super epic polycule cooking

Fhs week day 5

Polyship - Traditional/FolkClothing - Scarring

This started as me joking abt peeling potatoes being the ultimate date idea, I love peeling potatoes so yeah

So basically this is my idea of the different uhh dynamics between each of these guys,

Anyways I'll explain some things bc I've been thinking about this for a while now

I feel like Aiden and Oliver (my Bonnie) were dating for a while now since they've known each other for a long time, Aiden probably confessed first (at like 15) since hes a bit uhhh act first think later. Oliver was like "cool, wanna date then?" And they've been together ever since

Bon is obviously crushing on Oliver, but knows hes dating Aiden, starts hanging out with Freddy (Oliver asked him if it was cool for him to bring him in order to help him out since yknow guitar) and they hit it off, instead of falling into a codependent situationship like my freddon au, they start dating (bc of the little detail of Aiden and Oliver already dating)

So turns out, Aiden and Freddy are kind of developing feelings for each other, Freddy feels SO guilty bc hes crushing on his best friend boyfriend who is also his best friend, he still loves Bon to death but he cant just pick one and forget about the other he just can't. Aiden is having his own internal hell because he loves his boyfriend but yknow why the fuck is he also crushing on his best friend???? But since hes always been honest with Oliver (it took a while to get there) he decides to just tell him. Oliver has never really been someone to care about society's rule, so he's like "ok? Date him then I don't really mind or care dude, it's fine" so now Aiden has to talk to Freddy about this BUT Bon is also in the picture in case he forgot

So Freddy has been feeling awful for days and has no idea how to tell Bon about what the fuck is going on. Aiden decides to talk to him, and is honest, I like you, I still love my boyfriend, I asked him and Oliver said he doesn't mind, but I know about you and jhon- uh Bon, but if hes cool with it id love to take you out on a date or something I don't know...

Freddy of course is feelings #guiltyaf but also relived to know that at least

1. His feelings are not one sided and

2. Oliver is fine with the idea of sharing a partner

Of course hed like to accept but says he needs time to talk to Bon about it but that he also kind of feels some kind of vibe there and leaves, giving him a little bit of hope at least

Now talking to Bon? It was hard, he loves him but knows hes insecure about this topic (love, dating and stuff) so he tries to be as gentle as possible and tells him, I still love you, but ive been developing feelings for Aiden and uhmm recently he told me that hes been crushing on me and already confirmed with Oliver, and hes fine with it so he wants to like uhmm take me out but I didn't want to give him an answer until I talked about this with you and uhhh yeah I think thats all I still love you I promise I just need to know what you think about this

Bon is surprised, stunned, shell shocked even. He takes his time to think and talk to Freddy. Long story short, he accepts but needs a hell of reassurance that everything between them is fine. After this emotional talk, he timidly asks Freddy about Oliver, Freddy is surprised to see that he still has some small bit of hope in there but smiles and squeezes his hand, he tells him that he could give it a shot and hed be completely supportive and help out if he needed it, but he didn't know how or what would Oliver say if he did ask him out

So how do Bon and Aiden start dating? Well since they're metamours they have to at least be neutral to each other, at some point when they are all hanging out Aiden and Bon would have to interact more, turns out Aiden is kinda cool and okay maybe a little cute. Aiden thinks Bon is nice and its fun to watch him get nervous about horror topics, over flirting with Freddy or other things so they like each other at least enough to consider each other a friend. Time passes and turns out they like-like each other, by this moment they're used to the whole 'polyamory' thing and after giving a heads up to their partners (they both knew way before them) they go out together and well now they're dating too! After talking Aiden also hypes Bon up to ask Oliver out, he tells him "look ive seen some sparks between you two especially when you're playing the guitar, I know Oliver and im sure he'll accept!" So he does, and surprise! He accepted yay!!

So Bon and Onni have some story, way before meeting the animatronics he used to hang out with the nightmares (he used to be way edgier than how he was when he met the gang, his teenage angst was perfect for them!) And got along great with Onni since they had the smallest age gap (a year) theres two aus where they have a story, one where they were dating and Bon broke up with him due to changing and leaving the nightmares behind to befriend and form the toys with the girls, so Onni tries to get him back but is ignored. In the other, Onni has a crush on him but Bon rejects him due to his father being, well his father and not providing a safe space for his kid to realize who he is (Bon did return his feelings but got scared and chose to flee and then he meets the girls and forms the toys). The story changes a bit depending on the au, but it has the same general vibe, Bon finds him Onni sad at the library looking at his failed test (Onni got in with a scholarship and his ability with the guitar btw) Bon would usually just leave but the guilt kicks him again right in the ass and decides to walk up to him and ask if he's okay, Onni is still bummed out so he just answers by pointing at his test and the big red "2.0" (nota mínima d acá idk) and sighs. Bon knows this will end up in disaster but still, sits down after saying "I'm so gonna regret this..." And asks him if he could help him out, Onni accepts, turns out no one else wanted to help him because of his reputation.

So they start meeting at the library occasionally to study, and to bons credit Onnis grades seem to get better! They start to get more comfortable around each other and they fall back into a friendship, it's sweet, inside that library they get to joke and talk as if no time had passed, it feels as if they were barely 13 again. Bon apologizes for being a dick (he was kind of an asshole for just leaving and ignoring the nightmares) but also he needs him to apologize to those he hurt, Bon knows about his tendency to steal from Oliver and making fun of him, he can't exactly just ignore that.

So Onni does so, because he did feel at least a little guilty about it, especially more now that he had a more... Morally oriented friend/potential future boyfriend? He goes and apologizes to Oliver (and other people he hurt as well), Oliver obviously, doesn't like him and hits him, hard. Twice. A knuckle sandwich just for you! And leaves, Bon after hearing about this tends to his poor black eye and split lip (damn Oliver you had that talent hidden huh) but also "you have to admit you did have it coming" "yeah, yeah I know"

Of course they can feel the tension, they know that the other feels the same way but they dance around each other for a while before actually confessing (because their friends/partners were so DONE with it they had to force them to do it) and start dating

Aiden and Oliver DO. NOT. like him at all but they tolerate him for Bons sake, he did prove that he can handle him and control his destructive tendencies, so they accept him under the condition that he does not try to interact with them, and everyone is content with that, (also Freddy doesn't particularly care).

Fred is still here, by this time the animatronics all know about him and they like him, they're friends, Bon learnt about him some time after dating Freddy and they're also on friendly terms, they like to sing together whenever Freddy allows him to possess the body for a while. Fred kind of feels some sparks with Bon but he doesn't know how to explore this so hes ignoring this for a while (Bon is kind of unaware but he does kind of feel warm inside whenever they're sitting side by side and brushing knees)

Out of everyone, Fred is closer to Auryn (my golden) because they can relate to feeling trapped in their living situation and not having enough freedom, due to different reasons since one is a ghost with no memories of his life and the other is a repressed guy with a controlling family but they relate to each other a lot. Fred and Auryn have been dancing around each other for a loooong while, the slowest slow burn to ever slow burn. But Freddy has been pushing Fred to ask golden out for a long time. And when he's just about to do it, Auryn beats him to it! Damn it Goulding! (Joy helped) he says yes but they have to be subtle because Auryns family is, as said before, very controlling and if they ever found out about this they could take Auryn back to England (mi golden es British 😱😱) to finish his studies there so yeah, it sucks but it is what it is.

Auryn and Bon are chill around each other, not exactly friends but they like the other. Bon is also on the "im scared of my parental figures control over me haha" club so he and Auryn have at least something in common. They kiiiinda have some sort of attraction but they haven't talked about it yet.

But yeah I think thats all, maybe ill pick this up some other time bc its so fun to think about different aus where the super epic polycule exists but whatever

OHMYGOD this took a long time to write what the fuck anyways byeeeee

[tera-starstorm]

hey guys it's me mr. oc x canon gay rivals with a little oc x canon gay rival compare/contrast for you. Long winded infodump incoming

by now you may be aware that hop and yasuta have known each other since they were like 8 years old. ever since they met the two of them have sort of just hung off of each other all the time like. hop's always just been a very physically affectionate person and yasuta latched onto him (quite literally) because he was a very anxious child and trusted hop as a sort of "anchor". so as they get older they continue kinda just being Like That yknow. and as they start developing feelings for each other they don't really... Realize? the line between platonic and romantic is just so blurred for them and the process happened so slowly and gradually neither of them realized. there is no very distinct "oh shit i think i'm in love with him" moment for either of them. like there was of course a realization for both of them but it was sort of just "oh wait huh. that makes sense" and they're both pretty comfortable with the idea of being in love with each other. like the realization perhaps isn't as nerve-wracking as you would think it might be. sure there's some nervousness in the form of "would anything change if i told him" (mostly on yasuta's part tbh) but the IDEA of loving the other feels very natural and like. i think the best way i can put it is that it doesn't feel foreign to them because of the way it was built up SO slowly over time and how they've always behaved around each other.

now on the flip side. yuki and kieran did not meet that long ago. by the end of mochi mayhem and after yuki's uh. Little Plan. it's been a couple of months. kieran obviously fell for yuki fast and hard but i think until end end of indigo disk it was largely infatuation. it gets Very real after ID though. and like... he Knows how he feels about yuki and is having a lot of trouble figuring out how to deal with it. obviously he doesn't wanna fuck up their friendship and figures yuki does not and never will feel the same. kieran doesn't even really feel like he deserves the second chance at friendship he got and the fact that he feels the way he does kinda scares him! he sort of bounces between moments of boldness in which he strongly tries to make gestures that imply how he feels and moments of getting really nervous and being like "what am i doing i have to stop before i scare him away he would never feel the same"

and yuki. So yuki i think did develop a little bit of a crush on kieran in teal mask but it was not like. on the same level of kieran's infatuation with him. and i also don't think he like... Realized he had even DEVELOPED that little crush in the first place. much like his brother before him he just goes "i feel a little differently about him than my other friends. how quaint!" and moves on without thinking about it further. weirdly enough i think it was during ID where those feelings started getting a lot stronger as his worry for kieran grew. and at somepoint between ID and MM he has a very distinct "i think i'm in love with him" moment.

so. that's the big thing i think. unlike hop and yasuta, yuki and kieran did not grow up together and sort of have time to grow into those feelings so that they didn't seem so scary. when yuki realizes this it is SCARY because it's such an unfamiliar thing and like. it also requires him to think about himself which he doesn't like doing. nevermind the fact that he was a disaster between ID and MM so this stacked on top of all of that did not do him any favors emotionally. but even after those other things are resolved it still makes him SOOO fucking nervous. i mentioned it earlier but it literally makes him so nervous he gets nauseous over it sometimes. and it's unusual because yuki is typically very headstrong and just Goes For Shit and nothing makes him this visibly nervous. but like i said this requires him to consider his own feelings and i do not think he likes that ❤️ this isn't even to mention that he is somehow FULLY UNAWARE OF THE FACT THAT KIERAN LIKES HIM AS WELL AS IF IT WASN'T THE MOST OBVIOUS THING ON PLANET FUCKING EARTH. he's still working on distancing himself from the idea that he's not a burden and deserves to live and feel and this whole situation is really putting that to the test i think

[meruz]

another ask post

i mean i also read it because a friend whos rly into queer SFF fiction circles recced it but she did kinda lead with "the writer used to write hs fanfic...tasmyn..taz...?" to which i replied

of COURSE I read the locked tomb because i heard taz had written a book. of course. ill consume most any media made by a beloved homestuck bnf. thats also why i played undertale. and read like..snotgirl. and idk... watched the new dub of neon genesis evangelion.

if u made homestuck fanwork 10 years ago and havent even made it since chances are I still remember and I love you for it.

sdlkfhsg its funny you sensed that because that drawing did in fact start kinda more........ well, I'd be lying if I said my hands never wrought a drawing toeing over the pg-13 line LOL...

NOT to say i have a secret stash of porn or anything. in general im more interested in the implication of sexuality or mature themes over any explicit depiction. like everything i draw is so softcore itd almost feel silly to make a nsfw acc for anything.

but im not rly jumping to post anything on main either bc i get the sense i have a lot of kids in my social media following. it varies from site to site and fandom to fandom but the themes in my work often circle around childhood, coming of age etc and in general i like stories about kids so the fandoms i draw for have a lot of kids in them. even stuff like IT (stephen king) which is about kids but isn't necessarily for kids.. there were a lot of kids in that fandom lol.

actually thats why ive been censoring swears in comics lately because the tmnt fandom comes across to me as a little young...IDK I've had MULTIPLE people ask me what "sodomize" means because of the joke in this post and I'm like... I Cannot be the one to explain this to you. you have to look it up on your own klfsdhsdg like i wouldn't be doing this if i were doing a comic for mgs or even homestuck wherein the characters textually swear constantly LOL but sometimes u gotta change tacks depending on the faces u see in the crowd yknow.

i HAVE been thinking abt drawing nsfw of sunspot/richard rider/kobak from x-men red just because that comic seemed to be really asking for it. who knows.. if the need rly arises maybe my separate account policy will change.

its rly more a matter of the fact that i havent read/watched much of any other iterations... im sure id like most lol. I like most things related to my interests regardless of quality. i rly like the marvel ultimate alliance games for instance. sometimes seeing my fave guy is enough he doesnt have to be well written LOL. i dont exactly have a wealth of free time tho thats the real impediment.

i did watch the 2007 movie on new years eve and found it quite charming overall. and i have read about 30-40 issues between the mirage and idw comics. still feels like im barely scratching the surface but i liked em. i rly want to read all the sophie campbell stuff bc i think her work is interesting. jason aaron will be a mixed bag i think lmao. i say as the worlds biggest Wolverine and the X-Men (2011) fan.

hmm this is kinda hard bc i feel like i naturally draw very loose and the hard part for me is tightening it up. maybe some suggestions tho...

1) hand excercises. i think its easy to forget this when many artists sit in front of the computer all day but drawing is a physical activity u do with ur actual...bodys...muscles lol. if u feel urself tightening up it might help to strech (any google search for "artist hand excercises" should yield good results) or do a page of loose practice strokes like..big circles. long lines. scribbles. that kinda thing. whatever feels good for ur hand. this is also just good to do as a general warm up before u sit down for any drawing sesh.

2) draw further away from the canvas. as a general rule...when ur painting traditionally you do the big strokes with your whole arm outstreched and a long handled brush. and when you do the details its smaller wrist movements and a shorter handled brush. so it might help to take a step back or push back from ur chair a little.. or hold ur tablet a little further away. and hold your pen further away from the nib.

3) change mediums / brush types. some brushes and mediums are more suited to loose sketching and some more inclined towards detail work. so changing ur tool could help. also! i personally have this problem where sometimes if im using a brush i feel really familiar with the pressure to make a "good" "finished" "perfect" drawing is greater... if i want to force myself to loosen up ill switch to a tool i dont use as often so it feels like the pressure is off. a lot of times for me this is switching from digital to traditional. but sometimes its switching from a small pen to a big marker. or a smooth pen to a textured one. or a nice brush to a shitty dried up marker.

but also every body is different so i dont think these tips will work for everyone. u should listen to what ur body and mind tell u and how drawing feels to you

bro just sign up and set it up i dont think theres much to it... i dont rly think too much abt my itch.io store because its digital goods so u just upload the file and let it do its thing. no distribution work needed on ur part. youll notice i barely even advertise my itch unless i have smth new on there lol.. its easy. but good luck!!!

idk if im the best person to ask this im more a comic fan than i am a comic professional... a comic hobbist.

well. scott mcclouds understanding comics and making comics are good books on the craft. i think i had to buy them for a class in art school once.

other than that idk just keep at it. comics are really laborious i think for a lot of people the hardest part is sitting down and doing it.

i think a lot of people have a very instinctive understanding of how to read comics and what they look like so whatever you think seems like good way to tell the story you have in mind, its probably right. if u get stuck, study comics that have done something similar. most people in comics are relatively self taught and actually it can be problematic bc you can tell when a lot of comic artists are all copying the same like 5 old white guys LMAO. but on the flip side if you make sure to reference and study broadly your comics will almost assuredly feel unique.

sorry im responding to this anyways. this is just a really nice ask. i like when people reference my older work bc i feel like sometimes theyre subtly implying it wasnt very good LMAOOO. but its true! at least compared to the work i make now ^^ and the fact that im still making art is whats keeping me from being embarassed abt how much of my old art just floats around online lmao im never ashamed to be growing and learning. isnt that a nice thought <3

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas! reg kin anon here

so! i actually have another bit of positive stuff to talk about this time. do you remember i mentioned before about missing the stars because i couldnt see them anymore? well! i went to this social event after a rehearsal for a theatre group i joined and it was a treasure hunt in a cemetery and when you get to the top you can see some stars!!

its not as clear as back home, but me and this girl i met there were stood for a solid few minutes just pointing out stars and constellations to each other and it made me so happy ♡

also! back to the theatre thing: in rehearsals today i had a solo!! its a musical theatre group and im singing lead in one of our showcase songs!!! id been feeling really nervous about it for a while because everyone else is really good, but i actually feel like it went okay somehow, so yay

and, regarding my mother, ive decided ill go home at least once more before christmas. i dont have loads of spare time (nor funds for travel) but im going back in a couple of weeks, then i invited her to watch my theatre performance (and shes actually coming?? which she never has before) and then ill go back for christmas too. im staying for the full holiday period too, because ive got a couple of appointments that are easier to go to back home than here, but as much as i feel bad for thinking it, i do wish i could at least spend new years with my uni friends. ive never had the chance to enjoy it before, even just in the house, so i was sort of looking forward to spending it with friends and having fun for once. i know i might not get next new years with her though, but thats only really making me feel more guilty about not really wanting to spend it with her. ill probably end up in my bedroom for the most part anyway, so its not even like id be doing anything with my family for christmas/new years

anyway! this is supposed to be a happy ask, so happy it shall stay! also, since halloween mightve passed by the time you read this, i dressed as dorian gray, which was really fun. i had a cane and everything. most of all, it was very gender affirming (i imagine it will be; trying it on all together certainly felt great) (i dont remember if ive said before but im genderfluid, with more of a tendency towards masc-presenting) and i probably looked slay as fuck

yknow what, lets keep the good news rolling, because this feels like the sort of news you tell a parent but i dont have that sort of relationship with them, soooo. i had a class test today and it felt like it went really well, hopefully. i did end up finishing early but im feeling good about what i wrote and such. so, yay again

lots of positivity today, wow. ive been told i can be too pessimistic (realistic, in actuality though) so its odd but in a nice way to see myself focusing on good stuff for once :)

Hi!!

It makes me so happy to hear that you're doing so well! I remember how much you were struggling when you first started sending asks to me and I'm so happy to hear things are looking better for you! I'm so proud of you for your test and for everything else you've accomplished!

Please continue to update me, I'd love to hear how things go with your showcase and also I'm here if you need to vent about things at home <3

[aquaquadrant]

(writing as i read lol, this isn't even an ask its a live reaction- do you like those- do people even normally do this- also am i late i dont know tumblr doesnt have dates)

NOT IN A MILLION YEARS DID I EVEN CONSIDER THE CONFRONTATION WAS GONNA HAPPEN IN FRONT OF JIMMY AHHHH

and the soulbound emotions thing- ooh i forgot about that headcanon thing!!

bravo's feeling guilty now- hopefully- he better be- the question mark on my keyboard is not working-

oh never mind then i hate bravo

OF COURSE WHAT BRINGS TANGO DOWN ID HIM CARING ABOUT JIMMY A H H H not guilt he can't handle any more-

atlas i am gonna kill him where is my gun

OH AM I SO GONNA KILL HIM

no jimmy people take you seriously just hahdjghjehs yeah im not gonna lie to you-

bravo i hate you a tiny bit less now

im stabbing atlas

AH YES THE LONG AWAITED FEATHER FACTORY who'd like some golden feathered arrows for the low low price of your humanity and any scrap of compassion you have left~

yay double life is here :D

ooooh they are so cool at fighting :D

oh no

bravo i hate you a little less more now (i would still kill you on site but we could be friends after that maybe, yknow-)

tangooo child noo be okay :(

oh hm bravo back in hels i do not think that will go well for him

bravo dont be dum pls

wIllIngly (oh lol its all l's)

he pulled a tango! (sort of-)

bravo i dont know how well it'll go for you but ayy get timmy out of this horrible place (i read the ask that said things get worse im scareddd)

that's all, huh. i genuinely thought tango was gonna go back.

well i hope that doesnt end up happening (i lie i live for angst)

excited for whatever comes next :D

-🦑

are u kidding i LOVE live-blog reactions, that’s actually what mel does when she reads each new update i send her.

bravo is a very fun, complex character to write. he’s the protagonist in his own mind, an antagonist to tango, but there’s also an ‘enemy of my enemy’ thing going on w him and atlas that’s now got flipped on it’s head. LOTS of interesting dynamics.

and dw, the story is far from being over. we’ve got three more chapters and an epilogue. this confrontation was just the start of the action, if u can believe it :3

[penumbrialhexandroga]

I put this in a discord chat im in but i wanted to put it here too. Today i got diagnosed by my therapist with c-ptsd.

Hhhh today is a day of surthriving. Had therapy this morning and was rough, but i was able to communicate some of my frustrations well. Got some clarification on stuff. Like he said forget about any of the schizophrenia stuff, i dont have it, so thats a relief. He said for a clinical dx i do have CPTSD. And that my episode that id had before when i started seeing him was a dissocaitive episode. So it was nice to get clarification on that i was thinking it was like a psychotic or manic or something but dissociative makes sense with what all went on. Ugh gah but then talked with a real young part and stuff coming up and just ugh fuck i hate. People. Just very heavy. Having things validated. But im so grateful for the coping mechanisms ive developed. Hhhhhhh fuck its just hard. Heavy heavy heavy. Just trying so hard to keep every thing contained so i can get through work. Thank god for Work Mode 🙏. Id been dxed with ptsd already but i did suspect it was cptsd but man having that validated by a therapist ugh i just feel like ive been taking punches and punching brick walls >.< idk i just wanted to express this all somewhere. "Put it out there"

Thats what i put in the chat earlier.

Idk i wanted to write about it i guess. He was saying too how like a diagnosis yknow its fluid it can change. Which im fully on board with i know it can only really be a snapshot of your current whatever experiences. But one thing i really appreciate about getting that dx and that validation and assurance is that it supplies me the language to tell my story. I realized that that was one issue that i had with how generally non-pathologizing my therapist is. Its also something i appreciate about him though, but i just felt like i couldnt really. Like not even tell my story but know my story. I felt lost and confused and uncertain about what my experience was and how i fit in with the world and people around me.

Who really am i? What defines me as an individual? It helps me answer these questions more fully. Not to say my diagnoses are all that i am or can capture the complexity of me as a being.

Its incredibly validating to do this work. I feel alive and autonomous in a way i never really have before. Some of the parts i work with are so so young. If i wasnt doing this work with a therapist i dont think i would really be able to do it. So im very grateful for my circumstances that allow me that. Although i can tell my therapist wants to do more frequent sessions, but it is expensive and insurance sucks so. Idk. Is what it is.

Ugh but this work also fucking sucks and makes things so so hard. But i know im better for it. Gahhahahshbsgdgdgdhd.

Oh man im also really glad too he labeled what that episode was. I was thinking it was a psychotic or manic and maybe i had bipolar, bc some of my family has been dxed with that. But no he said it was CPTSD. and a dissociative episode. Which man even just writing that out again its just. I cant even really identify how it makes me feel its just this kinda hmmm pressure?? Electrical flux? Along the back of my head.

Im grateful for being able to communicate better with my parts too. I was able to get across some things today that i havent been able to for a while and im glad things went well, even if it got tough. Really friggin tough. I know im moving in the right direction.

Id already been diagnosed with ptsd but that was through my psych who specialized in autism and idk it didnt really sink in. Its different now getting diagnosed by someone who knows me very well, ive been seeing him for like over two years now, so i have a lot of trust in his oppinion. But gosh so many raw nerves. Plus its c -ptsd which like, doesnt mean its worse than ptsd or anything lol some people seem to think that but thats more what i was suspecting. It just made more sense to me than standard ptsd with all the dissociation. But i feel really validated and seen and heard and hmm self assured even! Which is so rare for me. I feel like there was a lot of movement and change today. So this post is really just to commemorate it all. Getting diagnosed with cptsd tho, for me its very different than it was getting diagnosed with autism. Maybe thats because of meeting with that part right after tho :/

[peacockrulz]

youre so right about narration!! i could go on all day really, its the biggest thing for me that takes a fic from good to great, especially with characters like j- characters with a persona of sorts, characters that lie to themselves or are in denial, or characters with a lot they need to sort through, and j is sort of all three in some capacity. i cannot wait for hostile takeover to update! if you ever decide to try writing a fic id love to give it a read! ive noticed you have a lot of interesting ideas about characters and their dynamics through your fanart, something i think could translate to writing well. you also clearly have an understanding of what makes a fic good- though i know from experience its often easier said than done. still, id love to see you try! this is actually my first time rp-ing canon characters, ever. right now im playing j (thanks hostile takeover) in a discord server, though i might try n soon because i reaaallly struggle with characterizing him. ive been roleplaying my whole life really! i started with roblox warrior cats though... im shuddering with you id kill for more dollxn art from you though. no pressure but you get them it seems. its been a while since i listened to final girl but its definitely their song suggestive lyrics or not i hope they die and go to robo-hell together <3 - juzi anon

*sigh* putting this under a readmore because HOO BOY did I maybe went full analyzer on this one. thanks for your time Juzi Anon <3

I've read alotta fics in my time on the internet and honestly? I don't think I've ever read a fic that hooked me on a character narration quite like Hostile Takeover's J. J's awareness of every part of what shes doing and how shes doing it makes it even more subtle when you realize that despite all of that, she has so little awareness over what she thinks. Like she doesn't question it. Uzi's narration makes a point to show how she censors her own thoughts, she doesn't allow her mind to wander to certain parts of the past, shes completely aware of how some thoughts sound and decides against saying it all together. Meanwhile, J will go on and on about how much better the job would be without V's constant talking back and N's inability to do anything right, and in the same paragraph be constantly thinking about the argument with V, and what got V so messed up to begin with. J is like a rock, a precipice of confidence. But the moments where she doesn't know what to do, (like when she thought she was going to die in that church tower from the rising sun) its almost like she has to put on appearances even in a moment where shes completely panic-ed, that she still somehow has to pretend she knows what shes doing, even with no one around. Its why the fic made me rethink J in general, I've loved J for while but Hostile Takeover was the first time I actually was able to SEE what J could be as a character story. It really puts into perspective how important narration can be in telling a damn good story. (Sorry this became a J paragraph. I could analyze fics for the rest of my life and be happy lol)

Haha maybe one day I'll finally sit down and write. I'm not really the greatest at translating my thoughts to text, for some reason its easier for me to illustrate my feelings about a character then to write it out. The only reason I can draw fanart like that is because I analyze these characters to death lol. Looking at all the angles of two characters and then asking the question of 'what would it take for them to be on friendly terms' is a pass time I indulge it frequently!!!! Thats why I like rarepairs, sometimes they're dynamics are alot more unique than most, even if they're 2 characters that have never once canonically interacted (which is my favorite. Alot more creative thinking with that one yknow?) Still, maybe I'll get to it :O (prolly would practice writing analysis post first. because I always have to stop myself from doing it on other posts XP)

I've also grew up on roleplaying (my brother is into roleplaying and that got me started on it lol) used to roleplay on roblox even before I could read (which. isn't a joke actually. who gives a 5 year old unrestricted internet access???) funnily enough I can't even say I ever completely grew out of it, I still visit alot of roleplay maps on roblox (including WCUE!! never actually roleplayed there but I think its fun to spec) but mainly I used to roleplay on animal-based mmos like FeralHeart in my younger days.

Iffff,,, I could say anything about N's character,,, to hopefully help inspire some ability to write him (and sorry this gets its own paragraph) I would probably say that he is a very self-destructively selfless person, whos never gotten over anything or anyone in his life (I.e when V was in stasis during their time in the manor, N constantly visited her and would draw pictures of the two of them together ((as lizards)) and is kinda implied to have been reading books to her during this time. Even after getting 'digitally lobotomized', while N couldn't exactly remember V as he knew her back then, he still carried that affection he had for her all that time ago. He never stopped caring about V, even when he forgot) while I wouldn't describe N as in anyway 'innocent' or 'naive', N still has a habit of unconditionally caring about pretty much anybody lol. He had like, what, a 27 minute conversation with Uzi? And while it wasn't enough to completely convince him, it still was something that made him hesitate ("I really enjoyed our time together,"). And while I'm here (having mentioned Uzi) I would also say N is a very lonely character, seeing as he was often belittled by his peers (J) or in some cases completely ignored (V, but she had her reasons and thats a different discussion) a funny part of N's character is just how much he IS like Uzi. A person completely isolated by his kind because of how he is, who was never given an explanation as to why, why everyone is so oddly cruel to him. The biggest difference though being that N never fought it, he completely accepted getting knocked around if it meant he could stick around. It took someone else to point out how fucked his situation was to make him think twice about it. Uzi is the type of character to go down kicking screaming and punching(asterisk but thats also a different discussion), and N, despite being in such a similar place to her, isn't that kind of guy. While I wouldn't say N is the type to take everything lying down, there is something to say about just how much he is willing to take before getting angry, yknow? Overall, I think N is a very loving, loyal-to-a-fault, kinda guy, but his compassion for those around him is often times the reason he gets so tunnel-visioned in the first place (i.e causing explosions and throwing rocks and debris everywhere in a mass, angry panic, trying to go save V.) and its why he is so willing to get himself hurt in the first place. ("I really enjoyed our time together, but I can't have you shooting V with that thing.") (Or yknow, cutting his arm off, but thats alot less selfless-ness and alot more self destruction) His patience and understanding is one of his biggest strengths and somehow always the reason he gets hurt. Basically I think he need to go a lil insane as a treat.

((Oh its also good to note that his unconditional love for everyone around him is also the only reason why he has lived this far to begin with (the characters this includes: V, Uzi, AND Cyn.)))

I also think the above, is the reason why I enjoy NxDoll so much. it takes SO MUCH for him to hate someone and yet Doll did the one thing that would make him do it (hurting someone he cares about the most). I just knoooowwww if they saw eachother in that church it would've been ON. That fight would've taken out the whole god damn BUILDING. it would be two people fighting for the exact same fkcing reason!!! REVENGE!!! the horrible chain of trauma contuines with them!!! killing one will only leave the other with what remains!!!! And yet I also see them as two people who would really benefit from being on friendlier terms. Both becasue N's softness is just not something we ever see Doll treated with, and because Doll's avocation for justice might just be the thing N needs to get a god damn backbone for once and earn himself some self-appreciation.

But I also think its more fun when its enemies AND lovers.

They should make eachother worse <3

[spikrock]

my mad t party lgbt hcs explained

very messy post below! some are genuine reasonings and others are just "yeah haha trust me bro"

tarrant: bisexual & nonbinary

i mean for all the bi characters the hc is pretty self explanatory, i mean look at them yknow. hes a little too fruity with mally and thackery 🤨 but tarrant and alice are literally bi4bi couple of all time as for the nonbinary hc, i dont know! id like to know if anyone else sees him this way or if its just me :) hes just got too much enby swag 

alice: bisexual & trans

its all spiderwebs fault!!!!!!! it made her gay!!!!!!!!! /j but seriously, kissing ladypillar and different numbers such ho hey (you know how every now and then theyll switch alice standing with mally to someone else like thackery or absolem, the few times she did it with ladypillar are so funny because they cant rhyme the pronouns 😭). also ik this sounds silly but i really appreciate that in the mtp shows once ladypillar was added they didnt stop doing spiderwebs or change it to be like “haha were both girls 😵‍💫blehh this is so weird 😂”/play it off as a joke or anything because they very easily could have done that. shes trans. i already made that post with her and mally but again, if shes not trans then why is her color palette blue and pink? checkmate liberals. 

thackery: bisexual & bigender

yeah hes bi i dont know what else to say he and mally are in love frfr i actually just completely made up bigender. made it up, i dont know where i got it from i just remember early february drawing mad t party on my laptop and suddenly thinking “bigender thackery” and its stuck with me since then. (the two genders i hc him with are male/female though so) i wouldnt say he feels just one or the other, he feels both at the same time

mally: bisexual & trans

he is top ten bisexuals of all time,, whenever they do the pretender and tarrant and alice stand on either side of him and take turns singing he is DYING. passing away HE IS TRANSGENDER!!!!!!! we all know it. instead of coming out as trans he made up some crazy story about being killed in a war and then coming back as a man 🙄/j hes just dramatic like that

chessur: gay & trans

haha this is mostly because of @thatrandomartistjavi's hcs xd chessur is special in the sense that hes the only mtp character that never really gets a chance to flirt with anyone else since hes always hiding behind that drumset. from what ive seen he was shipped with dinah a lot, presumably just cuz theyre both cats since they rarely interact, so ive never really understood it :p i usually hc cheshire cats as nonbinary/something under that umbrella but this guy gives me transgender vibes. idk

absolem/ladypillar(? dont know if she ever got a real name): lesbian & trans

shes very much a lesbian. just. just like yeah. i think the most prominent character that she flirts with (other than alice) is mally. from what ive seen it only really happens when its el dormouse on stage but before i started seeing that i always saw mally/absolem/thackery as like, a trio. i mean obviously everyone in the band are friends, but idk. i have lots of drawings of those three hanging out so maybe thats just something my delusional brain has completely made up. but anyway the point is i dont ship those two and i sort of see them with a more sibling dynamic. mally always holds her back when shes trying to touch the little castle music box thing, at the end of sets he’ll pull her antennae to take her off stage/she'll pull him by his scarf, etc. (also theres a clip where she kisses him on the cheek and as they begin to walk off stage she turns to the crowd and mouths “no” and does the throat slitting gesture thing which makes me think theyre sorta just playing around :p)

sooo in a post a while back i said i hc her as genderfluid but ive changed my mind?? actually before i made that post i headcanoned her as trans but then switched to genderfluid and now ive uhh changed my mind again. im very indecisive like that and very easily swayed on my opinions haha,,, @ticktockteapot's metaphor for her “becoming the beautiful butterfly she was always meant to be” is very nice i like it lots. also the fact that ladypillar has a much higher stage presence than absolem (obviously not including the spiderwebs number…or crazypillar) was always so sweet to me cuz like,,,aw shes finally more comfortable being herself and performing :’)

tl;dr none of them are straight none of them are cis. happy pride month and thank you for coming to my TED talk

[gulliesforever]

you ever think about how jake moved to la for a job opportunity. and then spent his whole time at that job talking about amir to the point where his coworker had to ask who was obsessed with who and he still didnt get it. and then he moved back because he missed amir, he sat on a beach listening to a frickin shitty playlist amir made him. and then years later he follows amir across the country again, and ultimately stays with him. and then do you ever think about how they didn't talk for like 3 years but then amir facetimed him one day and despite how much jake 'hated' amir calling him he still started up a podcast network with him. do you ever think about how much jake loves amir and would follow him to the ends of the earth but will likely never reach that conclusion himself. and do you ever think about how-

GINGER AND CELERY I DID NOT GO TO BED AT 5:30AM THINKING ABOUT THEM AND WAKE UP AT 7:26AM STILL THINKING ABOUT THEM TO DEAL WITH THIS ASK!! EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND ALL THE LLY'S!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!

no, but i litreally think about it all the time!!!! essay incoming because I'm very long winded!!!

Like you basically said.... Sick Day is, i think, the peak of Jake and Amir being extremely queercoded. not only is it an unironic queer drama plot where they both find unfulfilling love interests and then come back to each other (disregarding any intent of irl janda)... it also simply annihilates any doubt that jake doesn't CHOOSE to be with amir, which basically manufactures the crux of the complexity of their relationship and codepency.

And of course... Everyone asks, yknow, "why do you stay?" when it comes to Jake.

and you're right: he loves amir.

he loves him, of course he does, otherwise he wouldn't do these things for him. and on some level, he must know that. because he always comes back when he has the opportunity to leave. and i think road trip does a great job of conveying that jake loves amir and he knows it. but more than that, i think, actually the finale arc showcases another something that im not sure jake can really come to terms with. it's like, almost beyond love at all. its kinda just that... jake likes, needs, and wants what amir offers his life. and that's absolute destruction and discord and somebody's attention.

without amir, jake is just some failure of a writer at collegehumor who can't get dates, has no fulfilling prospects, and is so insecure he's not even sure who he wants to be. with him, he has a life where things happen, where he has the opportunity to be right and do things because amir is always wrong and getting into things. in other words, jake is a fucking loser. but that's... exactly what Amir is too, except he's has no concept of shame about it. and so jake NEEDS amir. because hes on this same wavelength as him, but he's more right and he's admired and that means he's WORTH something. that, to me, is incredibly interesting.

I think sick day showcases both sides of it - Jake loves amir, he genuinely admires his stupid songs and high voices and idiotic jokes as much as he can't say that - but he also NEEDS him because "he was obsessed with me" and therefore that must mean "im worthy of being obsessed OVER".

and what i find super intersting about that too, is like, as the series goes on, they tend to get a lot more violent with each other with LA being a point where jake was legit letting amir die and even praying for it. one might take this as like, he's being regressed (as especially after road trip) but to me, it almost makes it seem like they have fit these horrible roles that just keep escalating so much that in a sense they are confident they will never be able to leave each other. "i can wish amir death, it's not like he's actually going to die", lol, and "he already knows id choose him, so its not like it matters how mean i am". almost like a weird sense of stability in the most instable way. because it's just straight up toxic.

and so i think that informs my thoughts in terms of amir not seeing jake for "3 years" and then them starting a podcast together miraculously. its like. i think they both realized after roadtrip, finally, that they are not really leaving under any circumstance, and they've kind of come to peace with it (so amir leaving for 3 years is honestly not that weird because he's gonna come back anyways), and they speak this love language of foul-mouthed hatred and malice just because it's how they operate. that's why it feels so damn homely. its because now they both know they love each other, but they're playing their part because that's the only part they know how to play and it works. they dont have to say "i love you" to get that across. and that, to me, is incredibly romantic and fucking insane.

so yes, in a sense, I do think about how. i think about how all the damn time.

[khodorkovskaya]

From now on.... men can go their own way.

Fuck men, we can all have better times with our friends anyway.

If a man sends a half arsed message or a shitty one, then shame on him for being an absolute dick head. He can fuck off. Honestly it only shows their own worth so they might feel hard done to or like theyve done nothing wrong at the end of the day, but in all honesty it's just a true reflection if them and their morals and standards. It says a lot more about them than it ever will about any of us hurt girlies.

It takes nothing to be kind, kindness is free

Friends are forever and always

yess let's gooooo

speaking of messages and how it reflects guys' morals, i wanna tell you something else really frustrating about my ex. so you know how i said that he was really bad at replying to messages, didn't care about my social media and stuff?

side note just to explain why him being on social media was so important to me: i have a food reviews account and it's a hobby of mine, it's v silly and i used to make little videos of me trying different foods. it was a whole thing and i always got a lot of comments from my friends about it. but my ex never cared! and i get it, not everyone has instagram. but i was really passionate about this food blog and put a lot of effort into the silly little videos i used to make. and id often be like "did you see my new video?" and he would sigh and roll his eyes. and then sometimes id show him my videos and he would be so annoyed. he literally had no respect! and yeah, it was all very silly and stupid, i never claimed that this food reviews blog was like deep and artistic or whatever. but it was important to me!!! he could've at least pretended that he cares, you know what i mean?

another side note: i grew up on social media so im very used to chatting to my friends all the time and posting instagram stories as i go along my day and stuff. and a part of social media culture is sending memes and funny/cute photos to people to show affection, right? like we always send things to each other like "haha this made me think of you". again, it's stupid, but it's a thing people do. and i would sometimes send him cute photos of kittens or bunnies or whatever like "hey, this is us <3" and again, he didn't care. and he never made an effort to maybe think like "huh, this is important to her, this is how she shows affection, maybe i should be a little more considerate instead of dismissing her stupid cat pictures". like it's the bare minimum!

anyway, whatever.

so back to what i wanted to say. when i left him, he suddenly started being active on social media and he would reply to my messages instantly. all of a sudden he started sending me cute photos of animals and even photos of foods to try like "hey, this would be neat for your food reviews blog". like he immediately did a 180!!! turns out showing basic human decency and basic respect towards my hobbies and communication style wasn't that hard after all, huh?

so naive little me was like "ohh maybe we could get back together". so i invite him to the cinema to test the waters, yknow. and after the movie we had a talk. and he was like "yeah, look at how much effort i put into trying to get you back these past couple of weeks". and that's when it hit me. showing interest in my hobbies is an "effort"? enjoying talking to me is an "effort"? and the way he showed that "effort" was by simply liking my instagram posts and replying to my messages in less than 24 hours. the tremendous "effort" he was talking about would take him 2 seconds of his time. and that was already more than enough and too much for him???

so yeah, the amount of effort a guy is willing to put into communicating with you really says a lot. replying to your text is too hard? double-tapping a meme you sent him is too hard? sitting through a minute long video of you is too hard? well fuck that! as you said, kindness is free. respect is free. caring for your significant other and making an effort is free! and if that's too hard? well fuck that!

[dreamteamecho]

slightly unhinged dream journal entry. note that i have zero idea how anything christan works & my mind made something random up. entry under the cut.

smth about lens and a cool animatied logo sign with a underwater wave effect and a soundwave like effect on the sides. we needed more for the tip but because i was in early-medium stages of passing the sisterhood that was going around wouldnt help me so i got the other person to help but then they said that they didnt give money. so instead they played music and me n friend danced and we got enough money (like 5 bicks) to cover the tip we wanted to do. and the music definitely wasnt bc of the nuns. definitely. wink wink. apparently the 3 were a legendary sisterhood and they wore plague doctor outfits. they said the general sisterhood would never take me in, as i was a traitor to them. i understood. also sisterhoods in this dream could either be the general one that consists of all sisters or a small group of nuns, usually 3, that goes around spreading kindness to those in need.

later on i showed up to their church to give them food donations. one of them appeared and they could read minds. she said id do great things or maybe that was said at the store. she asked me to accept a quest where i had to infiltrate their brotherhood as corruption had seeped into it. she said the info would transcend my amnesia. she drew a plus on my palm with her finger, seemingly absentmindedly. later that day i went to school and a girl saw a glowing white plus symbol on my hand, but no one else did, not even me. i of course took her to the 3 nuns since i had no idea what else to do + it felt right. they said shed do even greater things than i would- and after some back n forth between me and my system- they clarified that yes sometimes things were about me. i think they were trying to beat the grandiose out of me. anyhow i think i ended up sticking to her later on idrk.

a couple days later they took me to the preacher who ran the brotherhood. he was a sweet guy, but not as seemingly all knowing or magical as the 3 sisters were. at least not in the same way. they convinced us not to use a deeper voice and just my regular voice and his response was almost exactly the same as if we were a regular guy. the plot thread kinda dropped there but it was a multiday thing. i think their line of thinking was that a barely passing trans man, that was very autistic, kind, short, and a system, makes for a really easy target. like a really fucking easy one.

later, i had to pledge loyalty to them. i didnt have to but i felt i needed to. morse really badly wanted to say to everything immediately (down bad) but i had to ask what constitutes as loyalty, and what constitutes as sisters. she told me, i think nep said sorry (about morse) a few times in our mind. yknow i think this is the first dream where we're actually a system. huh. amyways so then she promises me (us) that she'll lead me to a girl thats everything we ever wanted. i asked if thats what we needed & i dont remember her response but i figured it was a learning experience to see what were truly wants and what were needs. she tells me to go to an address at a specific time and itll work out. i do that, i get her as a girlfriend but a couple months down the line, she gets selfdestructive. her ex comes over, she seems scared i give her the bat & i take the gun. she goes into the room and im by the front door, i tell the ex to leave, i get a glimpse of her about to attack me in the window and i dodge out of the way. i stjll get a bruise on the chin but its not bad. we do a back and forth, she raises the bat again, i hit her arm with the gun and knock it out of her hand, she leaves. i knew that the relationship was starting to sour just not this badly. as tried to sort through my ego enough to try and figure out where i mightve done wrong to her (which wouldve been a spiral ngl) theres 3 different sisters at the door asking for donations. i didnt really have any surplus so i asked them if they could go after the now ex gf since she was displaying what i knew was self destructive behavior. they do that the ending is vague idk, i get the feeling that i should stay working with the girl who saw the glowing plus sign, as im working with her. i think its accepted that shes what i need and not necessarily what i want.

----earlier:

i think we also started a webcomic that was just indulgent for us. no real story. i domt really remember the very thin plotline we had done so far, i just remember that at some point there were landscape panels that some of us didnt remember doing. like we did it but some of us blacked out or smth. it was based off that frutiger aero sleeping beauty landscape we did a bit back. but more muted and storybook like. i think it started turning more homestuck-like, instead of just image with caption/what theyre saying that couldve technically fit into the panel. we mostly put it online just because it was interesting. it was like the origins of some people or something? idrk. we had a date for what day it was in comic (in the 1930s?) but then also what date i posted. the landscapes were the wrong irl dates (they kept putting 2026/2027 instead of 2025), someone was puzzled in the comic comments and i was too because i think i greyed out the date thing or something.

idk ill come back to thinking about comics later. maybe ill put three comic pages in my neocities or something. like links to the main, short & indulgent comics. ofc as a wip.

[lanawinterscigarettes]

Thank you aeron, I wish i wasn't like this in the first place but unfortunately here we are (not that i mean that against anyone else just myself) you definitely think im more amazing than i am, i just see it as like 'that thing i cant get rid of'

i tried to bring it up again but one of them apologised for being grouchy...lets see how long this lasts but the others don’t know and i upset one of them accidentally today in a gc so now i feel bad and like i cant bring anything up

one of my irls knew i read fanfics and i sent the tags of lady oswald (told you that was my fav fic) to a friend - who tbf already has an inkling but i keep brushing it off - they reverse image searched it and ended up reading more doctor who stuff than i did LOL i stick/stuck pretty much to my sweet sweet clara content whereas theyre in love with half the cast

hopefully they never see this ask! that will be v embarrassing

yeah im gonna call it gopiss girl 🫶

hope your food was nice!

nah my family are all outwardly homophobic (well, they pretend to be okay with it as long as its not in their family type of thing, they pride themselves on having a straight lineage and take bets on which family member will be the first one to come out as gay, and like, whisper about whos a secret gay its ridiculous) long story short it was definitely homophobically intented, but wtf does a gay person smell like, like if i have to define a gay smell i just start thinking of sweet, floral perfumes because thats the smell id be breathing in if i was cuddling with a girl (which part of me longs for but also part of me despises that i long for)

sorry again about the clara thing i feel bad for sending you so many clara requests and your writing is so good i just want more 😭 its my little escape for the world where i don’t have to be seen by anyone and no one can see me hence why i am a (hopefully) lovely anon instead

also on your page saw that gif thats like 'i am a f*cking star!* me i am star

oh cool! with the pronouns thing that sounds cool yeah i have no idea about gender ive had people explain it to me like 20 times i don’t think i will ever truly wrap my head around it but i try to be supportive

i know what a lavender marriage is id just be so concerned that everyone would think my husband is gay or that i would be so paranoid all the time that people would know, yknow - ugh its frustrating im just like, trying to figure out whether to sort of go down the get married traditionally and just be fruity secretly in my head, resign myself to being single forever or be in a lavender marriage but then again no one wants to be in one of those because they'll want to come out at some point and then it makes the girl look dumb or vice versa, and then if they're with someone romantically then you just feel like an idiot idk

sorry this is such a yap ive had a tough day

also thar description of demi kinda soudns like me i literally freak out anything to do with sex im like someones attractive but without clothes im just like 🏃‍♀��‍➡️ like i want it but im so terrified so idek

sending you love aeron and idk where sparkle went love you too

your fics are great aeron if you need validation there you go <3

- ⭐

I completely get what you mean, and I know this is such a tired and overused saying but your feelings ARE important and they DO matter, even if some people can't seem that 🫶

Okay but your friend being in love with half the cast of doctor who is so real because me too honestly 😭 and every time you mention a fic of mine that you love it always fills me with such joy even if you've already said it before 🥰

Gopiss girl 😭😭 I can't

It was!! It didn't last long though because I was hungry lmao

I also thought of floral scents for some reason when I thought of something "smelling gay" idk why either

It's not a problem at all, I promise! I don't mind writing a lot for clara because I also love her and I know it makes you happy which is the goal with my writing 🫶

That quote's always going to remind me of you from now on haha

I get it completely! I think it's okay to not understand something as long as you're supportive and respectful, which you are 🥰

It's completely okay to yap, and I get it. I just hope that someday you're able to get the happy ending you want without having to compromise or feel guilty because you definitely deserve that ❤️

See I didn't think I was demi either until I really looked into it and compared what it meant to what I feel and that's how I was like "Oh yeah I think that might be me" lmao

And you're so sweet star anon thank you so very much <3

[madisonrooney]

two and a half months later and still making myself sick thinking about the legends ceremony /pos. dont see that ending any time soon. anyways.

see like. OBVIOUSLY i knew it was gonna take a toll on me but god...i didn't think it'd be this bad. but i think i'm starting to understand WHY it ended up being so much more intense than i expected.

for one thing, it's the only time ive seen miley and she wasnt like...the only reason i was there. ive seen her in concert twice and went to the launch event for her converse line. she was the main event at all three of those events. i went to the voice 9 times, and no, shes not the only attraction there, but she was the entire reason i went. had she not been a coach, i wouldnt have gone. the whole experience was fun dont get me wrong. i enjoyed the performers, the other coaches, etc. but its still an exhausting process that i wouldnt have gone through if not for her. not to mention shes present p much the entire time.

but in THIS case, its during d23, one of the biggest events of every 2 years of my life since 2013. and at the very END of it. they were like. hey. so you just had three overwhelming, exciting days full of your fandoms (PLUS d23 day at disneyland which was new) lets cap it all off with THIS. not to mention there were other legends i was excited to see too. and mileys part beginning and ending within like ten minutes was admittedly expected, but it still made it all the more difficult to process and wrap my head around.

they also WERENT GOING IN ANY SPECIFIC ORDER SO EVERY TIME SOMEONE WAS DONE I HAD TO MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF. tbh im glad she was in the middle tho. having her at the beginning wouldve been overwhelming to start and had she been at the end i wouldve been like..stumbling out of the building lmao. the person who got awarded right after her was someone i didnt care too much about so i just got to black out for a bit. i almost needed to go in the hallway to cool down.

but like god. i fully dissociated during the best of both worlds performance like had to remind myself where i was, what i was doing, etc. likely at least partially due to my usual brain fog + sleep deprivation of d23 which almost always brings on dissociation, but also the surreal experience of hearing that song sung in that big of a venue...but also not by miley. (not that lainey wilson wasnt good, i just had to like...wrap my head around that yknow.)

i also ofc had the scare of getting my tix revoked. even once they said i was fine i was constantly paranoid something would happen and i wouldnt get to go. not even in that regard, bc i trusted that they fixed the problem, but that i would get sick or like SOMETHING would happen. and not getting to go wouldve like. destroyed me. in the weeks leading up to it i was literally knocking on wood constantly. like even at work. i was so panicked. i laugh a bit at it looking back but also like this is normal behavior coming from me lmao

i also thought it wouldnt overwhelm me as much as it did given that id seen her 12 times before, which is like...a lot to see this big of a celebrity. and 9 of those times were in a small lowkey setting for 3+ hours. so i thought "oh ive been normal around her before ill be ok :)" not thinking that had been 6+ years ago. the first 12 times i saw her were within just over 4 years, then 6 years went by without me seeing her at all, so that feeling in my brain of just seeing her casually was mostly gone. not to mention how much has happened in the last 6 years, namely quarantine.

i also had never seen her within the context of hannah before. not that she doesnt mean the world to me as herself, but hannah is really what saved me to begin with. so theres that.

anyway. if anything im glad its been more intense than expected bc im actually getting to feel something which i feel like ive been without for a while. and what im feeling is intense love for my favorite person, more intense than ive felt in years, so yah. it feels good.

[seijatachiis]

just another queer journey for pride month

so i figured since its pride month and its been basically a decade since i started my queer journey id just talk about it. especially bc theres been recent changes too!

my name is al and im nonbinary, they/them! mm well im asexual so i guess im technically panromantic? maybe demiromantic? ngl im still not sure but ill get to that. its also been about a year since i met my bf whos a transman and we often talk a lot about gender and sexuality.

like most people my journey started in high school. i had been reading BL fanfics for bands i liked around the end of elementary school and i think i was aware of transmen and transwomen. i really didnt know more than the basics, lesbian/gay/bi/transman/transwomen. someone i met in hs, an old friend, is the one who opened the door. at first obviously he didnt know me so he just told me to call him a very gender neutral sounding name and they/them. and that was the first time i had heard about someone using they/them pronouns. eventually he came out and said no im a trans so he/him? then he was basically like are YOU actually a woman?

obviously im paraphrasing bc honestly i dont remember much from how it started exactly or the exact conversation but i rememer looking into it a little and the next day i said i dont think im really a woman. i started using they/them pronouns and decided i was demigirl. i was kinda a tomboy when i was younger but it was more i just liked pokemon and the boys always had more interesting things but i liked "girly" things a little bit. i never really felt like i wanted or wished i was a man.

it might be because ive been using they/them for so long now but i got used to them quickly and they just felt so right. i didnt really focus too hard on what i identified as tho i was demigirl until uni. i remember this because i met a person who at the time was also demigirl. hes a transman now, which is great. im not sure but at some point in 2019 i think i realized i was nonbinary. i think it mightve happened when- im not out in real life. fear mostly but also bc i dont really care about other people, as long as those i care about know im nonbinary and use they/them i dotn care too much. anyways i remember being on break at work, my boss came in and was talking to my supervisor, just a "hey whats happening today" and was like "is she ready for her aquafit" and im like listening and im like oh whos doing aquafit.

it was me lol. he was talking about me. was so confused bc i dont usually hear people talking about me so i dont hear myself being referred to as she anymore. anyways its really not much to it. i did briefly try he/him in high school and the first time my friend used it i was like nope thats wrong nope.

i dont...think i really experienced gender dysphoria. or body dysphoria. i have issues with my body and an extreme disconnect to it but thats tied more to the general societal standards of beauty and less about my gender?

gender was never really the problem. my sexuality - more specifically if i was aromantic or not, has been the thing ive been struggling with and ive realized i never . solved it yet.

im p sure im panromantic/pansexual whatever, gender doesnt much matter to me bc ive always been more about if we get along. we gotta vibe yknow? the bf and i, our first date... the vibes were there. well i didnt feel the romantic vibes it was more just we definitely get along. im getting sidetracked and this is already super super long.

that same friend asked me if i was aroace. i didnt know what that meant, he explained it and i was like huh. maybe i am? i dont really recall ever having a crush on anyone or liking anyone. ive definitely not had sexual desire for anyone. but i just figured thats bc i havent liked anyone. so yeah i was aroace. a few years later i would rethink that.

because i forgot how insecure i am. and im thinking...there might have been two guys i had a crush on when i was younger but because i knew they'd never like me like that, i pushed the feelings so far down so maybe . maybe im not aro.

ill be honest, its been way too long now - i still dont know if i had a crush on them. but this is because i dont understand what that means. blah blah parental trauma but i had some stunted emotional growth and so im not great at emotions. i would flip flop between am i aro or have i just not met anyone i like yet? because i do have high walls. i dont let people in easily.

but i would daydream about having a partner. but it was never really about me liking them i just wanted them to like ME. i want people to like me. bc it was never the same person, generally whoever showed me a little extra attention that week but then id easily forget them. and i never. really wanted to date them. bc honestly i only ever pictured love confessions, never what itd be like after.

i met my bf on hinge. i fuck around on dating apps mostly bc im bored and wanna bother people, i rarely meet up with them i just spout some new random facts and im intentionally being weird. so i swiped on him first bc he had some nonsense in his profile i wanted to debate about. he said hey we're kinda hitting it off do you wanna go on a date? i said sure lets go to the thrift shop bc i was looking for a gift for my friend when i went to visit her in europe in a few weeks lol. i was really just using him for a ride to the thrift shop bc i dont own a car.

my god we hit it off and i remember thinking "id love to be friends with him hes so cool and fun to be around". i think it had to be a dating app. i dont think id ever have gotten a partner otherwise, because you kinda go into dating apps with the intention to find romance (unless you're me). he knows this but i didnt actually start to like him romantically till AFTER we started dating. i had to think very hard about it, im not entirely sure if this is what romantic feelings are supposed to feel like - i have to assume they are.

but we're happy and i had to do a lot of thinking to determine if i love him but i can say now for sure i love him. but idk if i can call that timeline long enough to really say im demi-romantic? idk if theres a specific time limit, maybe i am. it definitely took hm since we first met uh two months before i really started to like him romantically which honestly sounds normal to me.

so yeah thats not quite resolved but i dont care to find anyone else. but then. then comes the asexuality part. i originally way back in hs was like yeah im ace. whilst debating my aro problems i kinda always figured once i liked someone id probably be sexually attracted to them too. i get horny, surely that means im not ace.

yeah. i learned thats not the case. since sexuality is about being sexually attracted to a person, you can get Horny but not be sexually attracted to anyone. i put so much research into asexuality. a lot. it caused me more stress than anything i think bc now i had to tell him. that was . very anxiety inducing bc the first time i tried to tell him i nearly got a panic attack. this is knowing he'd be totally fine with it too, that he'd be accepting.

im just. not that interested in sex. i get horny but i dont really do much about it. i read smut bc its fun and bc its easier to deal with angsty fics when theres smth to distract you lol. CANT HURT ME IF THERES DICK TO FOCUS ON!!

i wont rule out that i might be demisexual. i might change my mind, i might not. i know my bf accepts me either way. but yeah thats my queer journey. its mostly me thinking. because i dont really have any experience with anything, im not a social person lol. but i also dont understand emotions and feelings all too well, so thinking only really got me so far. i always learned better by doing.

if you made it this far, thank you for reading! im always open to making new friends so i think my dms are open or whatever it is, but yeah :3