#yknow this is like the one time i wish tumblr worked more like twitter

[toffee-rambles]

damn i havent looked at my dash in over a week

maybe i dont have to spend as much time here as i usually do (note: im not actually getting anything done instead, the attention seeking brain shifted to discord lol)

[thedanceronthestreets]

Just saw this post on my dash and wanted to comment on this keeley bit cause i've seen this argument made a few times now and i just feel like i wanna add my own carrots to the soup:

Am i pissed off that people keep forgetting keeley's queer? Absofrigginlutely. Am i pissed off that a character can't casually mention her attraction to women and be taken seriously for it? You BETCHA. But the sad truth is that if i asked my family whether they thought keeley was bisexual and showed them the evidence they'd all go 'it's just a joke'. Which, yeah, is homophobic (rural queer rite of passage 😌) and sucks balls. But to me it proves the point that in mainstream media, we've just not reached the point yet where keeley's off-hand comments about her sexuality are enough to make an audience question its own homophobic bias. And i think it's easy to forget that in our tumblr bubble, as op mentioned in their above post, all of these takes and accusations around whether someone is acting homophobic or not (this applies to tedtrent shippers accusing tedbeccas of homophobia as well, though i've only seen that on twitter so far) are so far removed from the ACTUAL homophobic takes that are prevalent in the larger fandom of white conservative christians who think ted lasso is about how to have a positive attitude towards capitalism. Queer people saying 'i wish the ted lasso writers took keeley's sexuality more seriously' are not the enemy, just as much as queer people saying 'let keeley be silly and goofy about liking women' aren't. It's casual audiences who are so oblivious to any sort of queer insinuation that even if keeley were to kiss rebecca on the mouth, they'd probably call them very good friends. And while i think it's flipping fantastic to see keeley be unashamedly bi while being in a relationship with roy (well yknow, hopefully again soon), wanting something more explicit on tv that will cause obvious discomfort in the very specific homophobic audience niche of sports fans and karens is perfectly valid. AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH CHARACTERS WOULD ENGAGE IN SUCH A PLOTLINE. I think many people flocked to tedtrent because people started laying out (very sparse) arguments within season 1 and 2 that could be read in a queer way and now that not only ted is a main character but also trent a title character the ship was bound to gain more popularity as that's just how these things work. But if in the end tedbeard turned out to be canon i would eat my own arm (out of positive emotion and delight). If colin and isaac turned out to be a couple i might worry that the storyline lasts for 1 episode and nothing more due to the size of their roles, but ultimately i'd sob at the tv and wouldn't shut up about them ever again. It really doesn't matter WHO challenges the general audience as long as it happens. And as much as i love keeley, her comments so far haven't managed to trigger that sort of uproar in the audience that would kick off an avalanche of arguments around queer characters and their space in media (and i wanna specify again that this refers to the general audience, not the queer tumblr-residing one that has obviously had this discussion around keeley). Anyway ted lasso writers, let keeley and jodi balfour's character get nasty on screen please 🫶

(Also, i keep seeing posts insinuating that the tedtrent fandom has turned awful and i'd be much obliged if someone could enlighten me on that front as i don't know whether i'm just entirely oblivious in my own bubble of people but whenever i check the tedtrent tag all i see is gifs, theories for the upcoming episodes or people going 'haha i know i have shit brain fungus but what if')

[pinkseas]

naur but everytime i word vomit into ur inbox i literally cant remember 70% of it than the core details and the ones you answered the next day so it's kinna funny i wish tumblr lets me save my anon asks than eating it up cus i ain't drafting it like ANYWAY TO UR BESTIE THAT MENTIONED US >> I LOVE GOING INSANE WITH ALY PINKSEAS TOO ur friends are so real!!!!!!! youre insane are you single IS SUCH A FUNNY ASS LINE I WISH I WAS HIT BY IT AND I'D SAY YEA WHAT ABOUT IT

"twitter scares me so bad" as you should it's a shithole for genshin altogether with discourse and mischaracterization and you'd literally cannot stop seeing any of them once you get genshin in ur algorithm and yknow what i realized my only Best fandom experience came from tumblr with undertale Despite its discourses bc its got effective filters and the people are genuinely Good so now i'm thinking of yeeting outta twt and spectating my way here like last time (i am already doing it)

"if i read soulmates it has to be done Right [...] they can’t depend on one another they cant need one another they have to Want. they have to Choose" LIKE NO YEAH THIS IS SO TRUE SO REAL THIS IS WHAT BUGS ME ON SOULMATE AUS when it's almost not by choice and they have to work on accepting it like they're forced into needing it's like,.. a very complicated method here in changing their minds toward the other person Because of the cursed bestowed on them- the point of Choice is so fucking important to me especially when it comes to xiao specifically bc in my rendition of his he's unfamiliar with such things for a long time,.. and even in canon he's a lil troubled about deciding things for himself in the presence of higher beings until he's allowed to IT JUST HURTS HE LOST HIS FREE WILL AND THEN UR SOUL BOUND LIKE WHAT (AND FR specific soulmate tropes where the two ARE given the choice for it are. acceptable 2 me)

"lumine handling intensity well and being much better at identifying her emotions suits her SO well imo" yeah like yea!!EVERYTHING ABT THIS and i think it follows up all the traveler's sass in-game bc she's so fuckin hilarious for delivering lines super well despite having Less lines cus aside paimon taking over the talking she does have her moments and i lov her for it I DO WISH THEY HAVE HER TALK MORE EVEN WITH THE USUAL TEXT CHOOSING i just want her sick ass lines conversing

FKSDFHJSKDFJ ENDEARING IS SUCH A GODLIKE WORD TO ME I WILL KEEP USING IT FOR XIAO EVER its the way you can use it like. subtlely. a lil hidden a lil not Much about his cuteness without explicitly calling him cute its Big Word for the small boy!!!!

your thoughts on qpr makes me feel so much better abt thinking this way bout r/s like YEAH its all abt communication and open with boundaries and there really is something stifling about established r/s BUT IT'S COMPLETELY FINE FOR THOSE WHO PREFER THAT ANYHOW!!

AND YES SO MUCH ON LUMINE AND XIAO'S SHOW OF ATTRACTION TO EACH OTHER i wudnt even call it attraction i think anything that indicates a romantic tension between them is something i'm not gonna entertain like 'craving' or 'desire' (this word in particular is used very specific) and stuff like that, and it's a big fact that lumine's attachment feels like its the same to everyone Except aether,... even after she discovers his abyss persona she still begs for them to go back home too. it's unbeatable even to xiao, or at least, xiao has a different treatment to kindness for being so Similar to her (breaks down) "i feel like seeing each other constantly would be a detriment i think it’d make them both feel really weird." like RIGHT????? IT JUST FEELS OFF THIS WAY and it's not a good portrayal of xiao's desperation not wanting to lose someone else anymore. but even then, idt he shows that notion much or at all than his self-sacrifice tendencies, which is an entirely different topic. this thing about xiao's attachments and morals is a complicated thing to tackle altogether...;;,,

"no bc i characterize lumine as LOVING nature so bad" and u are absolute fucking RIGHT to think that, and for me she just likes exploring in general and is a bit of a reckless daredevil so long she has her glider and its the only condition. its stupid it's silly BUT IT MAKES SENSE shes just a constant headache to xiao in looking after her testing through the terrain but /pos

"i am So Grateful to you for sharing your thoughts i am so giddy over us being on such similar wavelengths" AND ME TO YOU TOO IT'S BEEN SO GOOD TO JUST SPILL EVERYTHING I HAVE IN MIND and get comfortable even on stuff im shy to reveal on unpublished asks cus ur reactions even if not agreeing there's still some reassurance anyway and i dont mind that or feel rejected at all when 98% others is what we just. have connected brains on KDJFHSDKJFH AND JEEZ I RLLY DO CAN'T HELP MYSELF WHEN THE BRAINWORMS INVADE WHEN I REPLY UR RESPONSES TOO it takes over my fingers like a parasite i gratefully let em

and ouuouh ur interpretation of the two's development starting in inazuma is so sweet and it makes sense bc of how dangerous the region is bc in my silly lil bran it made sense to have it After the chasm since it's the quests centering his arc AND I STILL CANT BELIEVE HE HAS HIS OWN ARCHON INTERLUDE,.. this made me loving all the peeps of the chasm gang too and i wish they did Something after the quest ended like UEUEUE TRAUMA SHARING SESSION FOR PPL WHO ONLY MET FOR 3 DAYS LETS GO

so like i start from sumeru bc of the points bc of this and bc i love slow development So Much im practically immune to slowburn did u know. all those fics do Not affect me even if i reach its 30th chapter of them being reluctant to opening up. ""zhongli encouraging him to take more time to himself, lumine taking him on little trips guiding him out more and more and more often" is THE CONCEPT EVER YOU HAVE ZHONGLI INVOLVED idk if you dig this but parental zhongli has me on the floor so id like to think he's another important figure in xiao's life aside lumine too he's just that warm hand on his back encouraging Out of his comfort zone and obligations and lumine's the hand that pulls him Along to see the new things of the world. like zhongli is such a dad,.... doing dad things a grandpa to liyue but i also cant help but have him having an attachment to xiao knowing they share a life even as a master-subordinate r/s (cus in my interpretation zhongli never felt that way than thinking he just wants xiao to Live, too,.. sobbing crying shitting)

"taking baby steps in leaving that part of his life, never quite letting go but letting the ties that hold him to liyue loosen, never forgetting his contract and his duty but understanding that there’s no longer an obligation to fulfill it, that he does it out of his own wish instead. i just. idk. idk !!!!!! at the core of it i think im obsessed with them learning how to live again and doing it together" i got no words. i ran out of brain fuel but my body is convulsing folding in on itself liek MY LIEGE YOU ARE!!!!! U R SO,........ LIKE OSBFGKJFGHDKJGH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA this is THE XIAOLUMI AND METHINKS,....... THE XIAO ARC IN ENTIRETY AS WELL CUS I BELIEVE IN HIS INDEPENDENCY (with a little help and support from ppl who cares bout him) i just akjdhaskejjksfhsdfkjhdsjfhkjdsbvadhvbjhkv

using a read more thingy just for the sake of anyone on mobile

NOT REMEMBERING ASKS IS SO REAL i forget what i say so often even when i Can go back and check how the fuck am i supposed to know what ive said when i Can't

MY BESTIE THAT MENTIONED US >>> SO REAL i think its been more than a few at this point actually which is very funny to me. shan if ur reading this i am holding u so close to me in my little arms. youre insane are you single is the best line ever especially when you are Dating The Person Who Says It my response every time is "no but i could be😏" i find myself far too funny its awful

we are Shaking Hands in terms of being on tumblr experiencing the undertale fandom that's so real of us undertale was the reason i got a tumblr in the first place all those years ago... you should ABSOLUTELY spectate here i literally never see anything i don't want to see i live in my perfect little echo chamber it's so <333

"even in canon he's a lil troubled about deciding things for himself in the presence of higher beings until he's allowed to" GODDD YEAH YEAH YEAH YEA H YEAH YEAHY HEA YEAH !!!!!!!!!!!!! do NOT force this boy into situations he does that enough by himself thank you very much

"even after she discovers his abyss persona she still begs for them to go back home" no bc its just. On Another Level Genuinely. they've been traveling together with no one but each other with god knows how long especially depending on personal headcanons, they're used to going through entire worlds and moving on theyre used to not getting super attached !!! its a little different in teyvat i think because theyve lost most of their power and they're trapped and alone for the foreseeable future but. that still doesnt change the past and their habits yknow ?? its something i try REALLY hard not to think about actually because (with the exception of a very specific au which i am currently writing for) unless they're just. trapped on teyvat Forever i CANNOT imagine lumine staying there once she has the ability to leave and i CANNOT imagine xiao ever leaving. it makes me So Sad genuinely i simply refuse to acknowledge its existence

"xiao's attachments and morals is a complicated thing to tackle altogether" SO REAL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM SO GLAD U THINK IM RIGHT ABT THE NATURE LOVING it just feels right tbh and "shes just a constant headache to xiao in looking after her testing through the terrain but /pos" also so real <33333333 lumine and her silly little glider. god. i love them both so bad

i do like to think of the chasm as post-inazuma but thats because in my head w/ their development inazuma is like. The Next Step almost, where they're close enough in liyue but the fact that they continue to be close even once lumine has left really hits. and then they've been a bit closer and become familiar with one another in quite a few ways by the time the chasm happens and then i get super self indulgent with the chasm because i am so silly like that <3333 in terms of slowburn and the way you've described their growing closeness it does make SO much sense to swap it tbh i love the thought of the chasm being like the start of things and the way that'd bring them closer before inazuma and. mfgnmhfnmf god. GOD.

"i wish they did Something after the quest ended" no bc in my little brain they get together once every month or two just to have a meal together and talk and keep up with each other they are Friends Now

"parental zhongli has me on the floor so id like to think he's another important figure in xiao's life aside lumine too he's just that warm hand on his back encouraging Out of his comfort zone and obligations and lumine's the hand that pulls him Along to see the new things of the world" this is the most perfect accurate thing i have read in my entire life for starters i LOVE parental zhongli like. idk not FULL parental not too much but def him being a more parental figure in xiao's life especially compared to other interpretations of their dynamic i just. god. it is So Important to me that zhongli cares for him and looks after him just in those little ways. the warm encouraging hand on his back vs the hand pulling him along is PERFECT thats such a fucking amazing way of putting it i love everything abotu that the image is so clear in my head

o(-(

^^^ me dead on the floor thinking about zhongli and lumine being such important figures in xiao's life... i like to think that a Lot of the characters in liyue are important to him in different, small little ways i just don't know their characters well enough to fully describe how but like. idk baizhu qiqi yanfei ganyu yknow ?? i know next to nothing about yanfei but i might have to try and write her for this honestly we'll see how it goes but i REALLY want there to be at least one character other than the few i have now who he ends up talking to even if its just smth rly simple... if nothing else the chasm crew is getting an honorable mention on god

idk i just. xiao has done so much for liyue for so long i really love to think of those very few who know him trying to do little supporting things for him, too it's so important to me

okay and now !!!

i am also gonna answer the Other Ask but without publishing it naturally it will simply live comfy cozy in my inbox <333

THAT ONE SHIP "it mischaracterizes Both characters in the pair altogether for the sake of romance" you're so real for this idk i dont MIND seeing it but it has never felt in character to me and i feel like this describes exactly why ?? idk maybe its just the xiaolumi brainworms eating away at me but like. i Get It

what you said about like. your personal hcs for him in regards to that trauma and how he processes it that is SO fucking valid, i def understand getting anxious about certain self-indulgent hcs im the same way both with the sillier ones and heavier ones but i can promise you that if nothing else i will Never judge you for even the most self indulgent ridiculous shit EVER. like the way you described it all is so valid and so easy to picture and a really good way to interpret/believe he'd deal with everything but even if you were to have the most ooc headcanon or anything ever just for fun just for the sake of it i simply would never judge having fun is the Most Important with these things im so srs

we have diff interpretations of how he'd deal with things like the yaksha's deaths and zhongli dying but i think a lot of the points we both have are still pretty similar, ESPECIALLY with him not knowing how to handle it and ESPECIALLY especially with the shock factor. the way i write him or would write his reaction to that would definitely be him just sort of Shutting Down emotionally because its too much and too overwhelming and so he kicks into like. i cant call it work mode its not really a job. but he fully focuses on fighting and finding out who couldve killed rex lapis and like. he turns his attention to things that are familiar and easier to deal with and he buries himself in them the way one would bury themselves in their work to ignore emotions yknow? and then there'd be the shock factor of "oh he Is alive" and then there's this massive pit of grief with nowhere to go because logically, reasonably, rex lapis is alive, there's nothing left to grieve. he shouldn't still be upset <- man who refuses to let himself process and feel his emotions when the emotions dont stop existing just bc he ignores them

that being said that's definitely a Pattern With Me Specifically like in the barbara fic ive been working its built off of canon but i take it SO far just bc i can :sob: and i enjoy it way too much to want to Not do that yknow? girls who struggle to process and Actually Feel their emotions writing characters strugglign to process and Actually Feel their emotions so that she can process and feel them vicariously through them <3 or something along those lines idk at this point its less that and more "wow this is really fun to write and its smth im familiar with so its easier to write as well"

my cat meowed and i stepped away for like 2 seconds to pet her and immediately lost every train of thought ive ever had in my life hopefully i wasnt gonna say anything else LMAO but no yeah self indulgent hcs and ways of interpreting characters >>>>>>>

i keep reading and rereading the way you described xiao's response to grief i am OBSESSED its so easy to imagine its so easy to see like oh my god. ohhhh my god. based as hell it suits him so well

i cannot think of anythign else to say back to the trenches i go <- finding scenes where i started in the middle or left out the endings and filling those parts in now that i dont know what else to write. its been really nice actually ive gotten a lot done just with that LMAO

[sleepyivoryrose]

All my interests seem to fall into a curse of some kind - Bandai Namco is holding .hack// hostage, Blue Period had an awful anime adaptation (even though the live action one looks really promising, but its not my cup of tea), the GANGSTA mangaka got really sick and couldn't end the series (as far as I'm informed) and now the mangaka of the TAD manga might go to prison...i hope it's fake news, but I've seen in on tumblr and on twitter...

...on the other hand...the animal crossing rumor that next game is going to be completely in a city made its rounds and persisted for quite some time...

Hm....hm....HMMMM!!

Man, I guess it's just more motivation to keep making fanart of some sort.

At least Pokemon and Animal Crossing are thriving as always. You can't mess with the power of cute, no you don't.

---

Right now I am in a bit of a slump, creative wise...like the ocean, it seems to have it's tides. I have been submerged into the depths of it for long enough, it's time to at least try to fight back against...well, against this stagnation.

But how do I do that? I am not strong willed, or very smart, or at least disciplined in some way or another. Organizing myself is also not exactly my forte.

Maybe it's time to work on my drawing and writing techniques. More learning oriented, yknow?

Now I've got at least time, if anything else, might as well to put it to good use.

I tend to be endlessly stuck in the clutches of the neverending cycle of posts of social media.

But how else am I supposed to observe and learn? I could go outside, but my most interesting subject, people, is, well...I'm too socially awkward and not very sly to start people watching. Some might even take offense to being used as reference material. No, I can't do it.

Procastination is the greatest enemy of creative progress. Boredom in itself, on the other hand...

--

One of my favorite books dropped a line once: "Forge your blade in the fires of your wrath, that will be your strength." I'm tired of running from my feelings. I want to feel alive. And I will use those feelings, to run ever forward.

It will not be easy though. Many times I will fall to lethargy and feel hopeless and alone. But I will rise. Sooner or later, I'll get up again, and keep running.

Working with my feelings in a productive matter seems to be the best outlet for now.

Take all this frustration and anger, and produce something meaningful out of it. Confront myself with these ugly manifestations, and gain the ability to not drown in them.

It's scary. Not only because the feelings itself are creepy, but the things and people who provoke these feelings will always be there, and they will not be happy to see my true self.

They seem to forget that my illness is nothing to sneeze at. That I am plagued with thoughts and feelings I wished I could bury ten feet under. Contradictory thoughts and feelings, that slowly convince me that this ugly beast that lurks inside me is the real me.

These are difficult times. And if my old me could at least one thing well, is survive a crisis, acting when everyone is frozen in fear.

Keeping a cool head, even if things seem chaotic and scary at first.

And that's what I will do now. I will strive to be the version of myself I want to be. Even if nobody understands me, or hates me. It's always been like that anyways. I just need to get strong again.

---

But to end this entry in a less intense note...

Last days were rainy like crazy. That makes me happy, the temperature is nice, if, of course, humid, but I got almost used to listening to the rain while falling asleep. It's better than the almost absolute silence there is sometimes. On the weekends, just like this, do happen to be a lot of party people walking by, singing or screaming, completely wasted. It's comforting, as long as you are in the safe haven of your room.

--

Okay, I think that's it for today!

[thebadtimewolf]

shh its not important

i don't wanna see ur tags ragging on a ship. otherwise why reblog it?

because liking a well-made and well-crafted gifset is not enough. 

reblogging spreads the work of art. its someone going: [hey my tags are irrelevant! look at what this person did with this scene that they made it their own! i love it so much i reblogged it to my blog!], show, ep, actors, 

what an individual puts as tags used to be private, a spur of ramblings as well as thoughts or random non-fluent theories of said scene in show. unrelated and were only to be seen by the reblogged and whoever followed said blog. 

if someone said prev tags, it was meant as a response to the two rebloggers - the tags never showed as a response to the op unless the word OP or op was in said tag.

now they added replies for gif posts and that is where you are supposed to compliment, praise or critique the gifset or give ‘kudos’ to the gifmaker. i don't even notice the tags from other ppl blogs. because its not my mf business.

the same people that complain and wish to block because of somebody else’s tags are the same people that are upset they have WAY more likes than reblogs.

i stopped making gifs as heavily as of late because of this sentiment that's starting to rise. and i knew that tumblr update where you can see tags (yknow because ppl didn’t reblog and put in tags; they reblogged AND HAD A WHOLE LONG POST THAT WHEN THE GIFMAKER DEACTIVATED ALL. YOU. HAD. WAS. THE. LONG. POST. VERSION. AS THE OLDEST) was going to bring this convo.

block whoever you like but, if this is your main complaint: don’t be shocked at the drastic decrease of your gifsets and sudden increase when you decide to step away for a decade or so.

I've seen this convo every time since 2010.

but tags always been like this. 

plus there’s an off switch to only have people that only mutuals reblog it. 

there are even tags of others shared sentiment OF THE COMPLAINT WHICH DEFEATS THE PURPOSEE/INTENTION OF THE INITIAL COMPLAINT

why else ya think they lumped text, photo, video, audio etc into one thing? because of nonsense complaints like that. its already harder for gif makers and resources to function and post on here with a busted tag search - don't make it nearly operational simply because you rather it function like facebook, twitter, insta, etc.

if that’s the case, go there.

but don't come to a self-proclaimed hellsite with clowns and complain that it’s acting as a self-proclaimed hellsite with clowns even in the tags. cmon now.

[thundersyst3m]

I saw you spoke to the victim I defended (my original thread) Im happy they are doing alright. I was very worried about them around the time. tell them I wish them well. the response you got wasn’t at all surprising since.. yknow.. he accused me of triggering their suicide much like how they blamed you for they’re ED. he never changed and I called that one years before.

as a precaution I am going to let you know that IP blocking doesn’t work here on tumblr. be careful. on top of that nsf/w is now permitted keep your settings on if you don’t want your alters seeing.. heated content if they look up characters/etc. If you make a alt tumblr under this email address your using likes will be seen by this account and not your alt. (regardless if you have your likes private people will track it down if they deem needed by any means necessary even petty means.)

as another note don’t involve yourself in tumblr arguments. yeah Twitter is bad but tumblr is 50times worse. abuse your block button and don’t involve yourself in arguments you can’t have godly control over. I’ll give you more advice if you need it. I’ve been using tumblr since I was 12(?) I can help you out. -🔥

OH YES I DO WANT ADVICE, it is worth to make separated blogs like, i wanted to make a priv page for my closer mutuals and stuff (for vents and doodle dumping), a main one, a art one and a littles one (like i have in my twt), do i have to make a email for each? Also kitkat said they love you!!

[bumofthewild]

How did you came up with your style?

hmmmm my style journey was something like this: 

i used to try painting bc there was this artist whose painting style i really liked but i wasnt too good at it and didnt enjoy doing it that much, and i was never really happy with the results because i’d look at that persons art and compare it to mine very often. comparing is a very bad habit that i still have and that most people probably have. i am on the slow path to trying to get rid of it by using tumblr/twitter less. around that time i decided to switch from photoshop to clip studio paint because i decided that using photoshop was more like a chore than it was fun. i used the opportunity of starting afresh and switching to a new program to just draw without thinking too hard about it/experiment with different brushes and i found that i leaned more towards drawing in a flat, cartoony kind of way. you can draw influenced by other people, but there’s also a “style” that just comes naturally to you. everyone has one i think. i didn’t accept it though bc i was so bent on painting like someone else. so around that time i flip flopped between painting and messing around with a cartoony style, and realized that because the cartoony one was more something i would do (as opposed to copying someone else), those drawings always had a lot more soul to them and were more fun. then i found another artist whose style i really liked. i wish i didnt feel better when i see someone else doing something, rather than just accepting when i do something. its normal and human but yknow, kinda sucks. so seeing an artist have a more toony style when a lot of artists online have a more anime one made me feel better about really trying a toonier, flat style. my art just turned out better that way and i really did like it more. around this time i still experimented a lot because i didnt learn technique or anything, i just fiddled around with whatever brushes or style seemed interesting at the time and did whatever. i think that advice where you learn proper drawing techniques first before developing style is important, but ive always been a lot more concerned with style and i think i can afford to because im just a hobbyist and not someone looking to get a professional art career. and because art can be whatever you want :)

by late 2018 i got into octopath and my octopath stuff started getting some traction so i started to draw a lot more consistently with the cartoony style. fanart i made in this style got me more notes, it was easier and quicker for me to draw this way (therefore i could produce ~content~ faster), and i found it fun. so i’d say that aspect of my style stuck around after all the experimenting i used to do before. dont get hung up on notes though usually during any times where i feel stressed, i start to flip flop with my art style again. ill start to use really simple tools like drawpile or a binary tool, which are easier on me mentally, and it forces me to really think about what my art looks like without any fancier brushes or effects behind it. i cant say im too satisfied with my art when i do that because of what i said about not learning proper technique, but its fine lol 💀 rn im always frustrated at my lack of understanding of really good anatomy. you really cant avoid the practice if you want something and ive always wanted really good lines and anatomy but am unwilling to do the work for them, so my style also involves a lot of skirting around doing practice/studies haha, bc i just want to enjoy drawing in the moment..... another issue is that i basically also want every art style in the world. i mean these feelings are normal ofc but they are annoying. a lot of how i come up with something involves looking at something someone else has done and then doing my own thing with it. this is also normal. but i definitely dont mean that you should look at someones art style and try to directly copy and accept that as your own art. because you cannot and shouldnt be someone else! so its not good for you and because thats someone elses work! people are always arguing about what constitutes being influenced by someone vs. just stealing someones art, but i think theres a clear line you can draw. i think if you like something you can have it, but you have to make it yours and accept what makes it yours. for example, if you like the way someone uses bright colours in their work, use bright colours. but dont use the colour picker tool on their work or use the bright colours schemes they do or in a way you think that they would. dont try to embody someone else when you make something. take the time to experiment with “bright colours” as a concept and figure out something that you like for yourself.  2019-2020 i still draw basically in any way i feel like, but i got more confident about my skills (thats prob why technique is important) so i can now push drawing a bit further. for example i am now able to execute a brush id wanted to use since 2018 a lot better and now i use it all the time, when i’d given up on using it back then. currently im back in my phase where im experimenting with my style again and just do whatever. usually i do that when im stressed LOL so rn im more focused on incorporating many different things that i like independently of art, that i believe can all still constitute part of my style: for example with this drawing recently ive been into more textured brushes, bright reds, messy and unplanned lines, pink, and hearts. all of those things together can make up a “style” i think because style is just what you do and like to do imo. you can see it here too, textured brushes, pink, messy lines, hearts, bright red etc.  sorry i always give long answers to these things. i dont know much about actual art techniques or something youd get at an art school, so my way of going at it has always been kind of haphazard and involves more feeling and experimenting rather than being particularly intentional, and thats the only way i really know how to explain it. this is more like a long context for what i think are the important points: do what you like with what you draw, its no good if what youre doing isnt fun. i like messy art and flat and shapely images with thicker lines. so my art style is literally just what i like at random. social media is good for exposing you to a lot of art that you can use as a reference for inspiration and influence. for example i keep a blog where i reblog art that inspires me or has something i want to try. but too much social media is bad because you’ll be bogged down by art you think other people want to see as well as art you literally cannot achieve because as i said before you cant be someone else, and you shouldnt want to be someone else. you have to be real about it. really detailed art for example im just bad at and it isnt good for me to look at other peoples art and want to do something like that if im not going to put in the work, but cartoony art i like and am able to achieve happily. i look around first and gather all the things i like and then i fiddle around with it, something like that. it takes time

[ruby-whistler]

Are you normal or do u sometimes go "IVE BEEN SCARED OF SLEEPING WITH THE LIGHTS ON(off? Idk its hard to decipher)"/lyrics -curious anon

me: oh boy, can't wait to try and make a tumblr blog! Before i do i should research it- *what in the hecking heck is an xkit*

djskdjsk i had no idea what an xkit was until yesterday and when i got it i got too confused and uninstalled it - dw curious anon i don’t use it either i just vibe and do whatever i guess. if you tag correctly and make good posts things should work out, can’t wait to see your acc around!

I got some sad-ist merch :DDD!!

yooo!! that’s so pog for you! it’s probably pretty comfy :D

me standing ominously in your askbox waiting to rec my fav fics:

fjsjdjsk i literally just finished passerine i still have 80 more (some of which are like 300k words long) on my to-read but uh if they have c!dream mischaracterized i’ll not be reading them anyways so it’s very hit-or-miss, will probably get through some of them quicker-

After many moons spent under the dsmp, seeing discourse and analysis alike, i have come to the conclusion i simply do not have the energy to care about any lore outside of c!tubbo and c!tommy's and will only defend them. And that is ok. It is ok to not watch or care about all dsmp or want to discourse about them or analyze. Idk man was thinking deep thoughts today

it’s ok to watch entertainment and enjoy it the way you want to! it’s great to want to enjoy or talk about your fav character!

the problems come up when you attack other people for their perspectives on the medium or spread misinformation about different characters based on only watching the perspective you like, but you know - if you’re not doing analysis, you really don’t need to look that deep into it.

it’s ok to just chill. your feelings about characters are valid! :D so yeah i agree with you! let people with different opinions exist if they’re also being respectful (e. g. tagging correctly).

Hey ik u worked with animgician's newest vid and i found a not-crit (i rlly think) little thought on it if u wanna see it

yoo feel free to send it in!!

No one: me: *shuffles around* wanna hear about my cool warden c!tommy au?

may i interest u in a little bit of my writing? If not that is ok i just wanna see if my writing is any good before working on a fic lol

Anyways if i am not in the askbox for a little it is because i am now writing a proper fic thing out. Wish me luck o7 -curious anon (i have three different lyrics i am going to be incorporating and a little analysis and just a smidgen of projection)

Ruby do u wanna read a little something i wrote? *does the little fingers thing* its really short just a headcanon with a little prose

i sure do! that sounds rlly cool - are you sure you don't wanna make a post about that on your own account though? i don't mind seeing it at all but i think the c!tommy tag would be able to appreciate that au better than my followers. you've gotta find the right target audience, y'know? /lh

though of course i'd love to see your writing, i'm sure it's great! looking forward to it :]

Ayo i remembered u talking about how punitive punishment doesn't work the other day so i want to discuss. What would u consider to be a fitting "punishment" for c!dream's canonic killing of mexican dream?/gen

i mean... we're not trying to - being against punitive justice is about the fact punishment is wrong, not just certain types of it. asking me what a "fitting punishment" would be is sort of very not getting the point.

hurting people further is not going to teach them anything and it’s not going to help anyone, why is it necessary?

so the answer is: none. he shouldn’t be punished, actually! he should learn on his own that what he did wasn’t right, and that’s about it. that’s the thing about transformative justice. him becoming a better person who Wouldn’t Do That again because it goes against who he is.

however, there’s also restorative justice, which is working to “make it up” to the victims. to which i propose; dream has the revival book and could literally bring him back once he is out of the prison. give him some powder maybe. md would probably be chill w/ that.

Yknow. In all my time in dsmpblr i can confidently say that the main differnece between c!dream apologist/enthusiants and c!wilbur/sam ones is that the c!wilbur/c!sam ones want their fav to have a breakdown and c!dream ones want theirs to get positive reinforcement /hj /lh

i’m pretty sure the sam and wil ones also want them to get better/get redeemed, at least deep down, but i get what you mean! you’re *glances at the 🟩⛏ gc where all we do 24/7 is write angst about c!dream being terribly hurt and then we cry about it* 100% correct. no angsters who like the pain here *nervously laughs* we all just want him to heal and be happy for the rest of his life with no heart-shattering breakdowns whatsoever! /s /lh

Hope ur having a great day m8 :]] -curious anon (also i have a new canon fact i wanna share. In quackity's alt lore stream yesterday he said (to the best of my memory) that "no law/juridsiction exists on the dream smp to prevent one from building anywhere" so i guess that clears up the big debate on wheather or not c!dream had a right to enforce rules (or basically the arguement that he owned the server by divine rule)

no i’m - i’m pretty sure that’s just how it works. dream still owns the smp, but he himself has said wayy back at the beginning “everyone can build and go wherever they want” and that was that. it was one of his rules on the smp, it was his main problem with l’manberg. being able to build anywhere were the rules that he “had the right” to enforce. and he did, not because he was a god, but because it was his smp, his home that he claimed for his friends. wouldn’t call it a big debate, it’s really that simple.

.AGONY. HURT EVEN. THIS IS HOW IT IS FOR CURIOUS ANON. I LAUGH, I CRY, I FIND AN ANIMATED GIF ON TWITTER THAT SQUEEZES MY C!TOMMY ENJOYER HEART INTO OBLIVION. (i am being dramatic btw for the funnies just so ya know) I AM NOT GOING TO FINANICALLY RECOVER FROM THIS. AAAAAAAAAAA UEEEEEEE

OK THAT FREAKING

O U C H-

also for the old phil ask. Hes a bad dad because of how he treated ghostbur. I will elaborate if u want

didn’t ghostbur just say “i’m not wilbur” and philza said “you’re not my son” and they went on with their day? weren’t they actually in agreement that he wasn’t the same as wil when he was alive? i don’t remember him really treating him badly tbh other than disowning him which seems fair to me, because ghostbur was a literal stranger to phil at that point?

wish you a nice day, curious anon! (i’ll be back on my essays and answering other asks now, so i might not reply right away :])

[simpbur]

hello! i would like ur 40 song wiblur playlist

anon thank you so much for asking <333 while it would’ve been easier to just drop the link i have so many thoughts about everything so i explained why every single song has its spot on this list which was IMMENSELY fun for me

(also: if anyone does want the link i can provide both apple music and spotify but if u would like the apple music link i’d rather it be through dms or an ask off anon that i can make private!)

another also: i bolded all the songs for ease of perusing if you don’t want the director’s commentary and bolded + italicized the ones that i think fit Very Well

another another also: wrote the second bit of this on my laptop and the keyboard is p funky so if there are any typos or things that do not make sense i will try to fix them asap haha

saint bernard by lincoln: this is one of those like. Dream SMP Songs that i added because it fits into so many different relationships and plot lines and arcs but i think there’s some connection to c!wlbur somewhere out there. idk i asked my friend and he said to add it so this one goes out to him

amnesia was her name by lemon demon: ghostbur song ghostbur song! mostly comes from this lovely animatic

o valencia! by the decemberists: okay this is one of those songs that only really has one lyric that fits but is an absolutely banger so it’s here anyway. you’ll also notice a trend of quasi love songs that i relate to c!wilbur’s perception of l’manburg and i think this song shows this in a really cool way, esp with the chorus (‘and i swear to the stars i’ll burn this whole city down’ is The Line)

achilles come down by gang of youths: another one of those Dream SMP Songs. i think this fits better with c!tommy but i like it too much to remove it. this is a somewhat common trend with the earlier songs on this playlist (i’ve been building this thing since january, for reference)

brave as a noun by ajj: another Dream SMP Song. i think certain verses fit better than others when it comes to wilbur’s character but that ones that work really work

harness your hopes by pavement: a song that is one here for vibes alone. i have no idea what these lyrics mean. all i know is that i heard it, thought of c!wilbur, and put it on the playlist. thank you all for being here

evelyn evelyn by evelyn evelyn: sad-ist made this a tommy and tubbo song (as she should) so it’s validity on this playlist is questionable but folks used to compare it to wilbur and tommy’s relationship during the pogtopia arc and i think some points were made there

the execution of all things by rilo kiley: i’m so excited to get here because this was the first song i put on the playlist that i think really works and i thumb nailed an animatic for the last verse and november 16th so! i think it’s a good l’manburg song and the last verse has some good ghostbur lines (‘and lately you’re all alone with nothing left but sleep/but sleep never comes to you, it’s the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak’)

i’m just your problem from adventure time: this ones a bit tricky since at is my favorite show of all time and i cannot detach this song from its in-show context very well but there is a very cool animatic with this song that landed it a spot on the playlist

man burning by josh ritter: almost became an animatic but the audio i wanted to use (which i recorded at a josh ritter concert and it’s just him and his guitar and there’s echo and it’s very haunting and pretty) has my stepbrother singing in the background and i could not edit it out so. that will probably not happen. but anyways the only hole i would pick in this song is that it’s mostly about self sabotage which isn’t really applicable but i think the imagery is cool

mamma mia by abba: here me out. here me out. this is another song that fits so well and i have spent so many hours thinking about this and somewhere there is a note on my phone explaining how every single line relates to c!wilbur’s entire arc from founding l’manburg to the resurrection (made when we thought gbur was going to get resurrected in january) and just. the metaphorical ‘you’ is l’manburg does this make any sense (another almost animatic except now that wilbur’s actually back it might become an actual animatic)

the other side of paradise by glass animals: no idea why this is here other than being a Dream SMP Song. it’s good tho

infinitesimal by mother mother: they saaaaay it stared with a big bang but they saaaaaaaay it came out of a small thing latelyyyyy i’ve been feeling like a big bang You Know

curses by the crane wives: had a thing drawn out for this song showing the comparisons between c!wilbur and c!niki because of the chorus and i think the last two lyrics of said chorus are the best thing about this one

lonely eyes by the front bottoms: gotta admit that i have no idea how this song got on here but i’ve come to associate it with ghostbur based on vibes alone. it’s a friendly song he’s a friendly ghost it works. the other tfb song coming up fits a bit better methinks

king of new orleans by better than ezra: not to put better than ezra on my c!wilbur playlist but like. something about the whole ‘tasing something up to let it fall’ motif makes me think

get me away from here, i’m dying by belle and sebastian: another almost animatic song (there’s a trend here). not only does the story told in this song work i like the lines ‘play me a song to set me free/nobody writes them like they used to so it may as well be me’ in relation to my l’manburg

montgomery forever by the front bottoms: certain bits and pieces of this song fit so well, specifically the chorus and those bits in the last two choruses Yeah (’montgomery forever and ever and ever and now they’re blowing it up/(x2)/as you started laughing and crying and trying to explain how all you want to do is leave’)

don’t look back in anger by oasis: out of all my almost animatic songs, this one got the furthest. the animatic, which I got pretty far in thumbnailing, was about wilbur and tommy and kind of drawing comparisons between their characters, also about the revolution in general. maybe i’ll finish that animatic one day idk 

snow by ricky montgomery: i wish i had a link for this so bad but!! saw art on twitter!! with the lyric ‘bury me six feet in snow’!! and went ahfsdjfk!!

burning pile by mother mother: a Dream SMP Song. also a jam there’s no real specific connection for this one but i think it could fit in a couple of ways

rounds by the oh hellos: in the same position as snow except it was on tumblr..... @ whoever made this comic i saw these lyrics in your brain is massive and your art is incredible

lovely by mt. eddy: on here for vibes alone. there’s something in the lyrical content too, but my thoughts in that regard are not very fleshed out

adventures in solitude by the new pornographers: ah yes..... the song that prompted this all...... this is a beautiful and incredibly well written song and if you’re going to listen to any song off of this playlist i’d encourage you to listen to this one. it’s place of here is mostly cause of the chorus but the imagery in the verses could all represent a part of c!wilbur and i’d love to explore that more

caught in the middle by paramore: obligatory paramore song. i think it got on here because limbo = ‘middle’ but i’m not quite sure. on the verge of being deleted if i can find a better pmore song

delicate by damien rice: one of the oddest songs on this list and i am well aware that it sticks out like a sore thumb. a song that’s on here pretty much because of one lyric, which is ‘and why’d you sing hallelujah/if it means nothing to you’ which i related to both eret’s betrayal and how my l’manburg is hallelujah yknow

bang! by ajr: almost animatic song. i think we all know what the bang is here

somewhere only we know by lily allen: ik i said don’t look back in anger has the most potential to get made into an animatic but this song might actually take it place. on par with adventures in solitude in terms of how pretty of a song it is, and probably even moreso. it’s kind of turned into a ghostbur song in my head, and makes me cry like an infant child every time i hear it

a pearl by mitski: i cannot defend this song’s place on here past the line ‘it’s just that i fell in love with a war and nobody told me it ended’

eight by sleeping at last: the official c!wilbur song needs a spot on here <3 if i can dig up the clip of cc!wilbur talking about this song in relation to his character i’ll add it but until then yeah <3

always by rilo kiley: no idea why this is on here but it fits well!! could not tell you why!! banger!!

celebration guns by stars: it’s a hauntingly beautiful song about war, and kind of one of those that necessarily isn’t about wilbur but moreso his place in the story? idk how to explain it but yes

passerine by the oh hellos: it’s. it’s from the . the fic. yeah h

oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place by bright eyes: added this after the real resurrection and i think it’s because fo the imagery? also the last verse

we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos!: all i have to say is ‘i cannot emphasize enough that my body/is a badly designed, poorly put together vessel/harboring these diminishing, so called vital organs/i hope my heart goes first, i hope my heart goes first!’ has always made me think of pogtopia era wilbur :(

dead weight by jack stauber: no real connection other than eret played this song during a break during the ghostbur’s january ‘resurrection’ and i heard it and went :0

point me at lost lands by tired pony: gives me season on l’manburg vibes..... i love how free and passionate it sounds and that's p much the only reason it’s on this list haha

ghosting by mother mother: added this five seconds ago because i could not BELIEVE it was not on here. ghostbur song. mans sang it on that one stream with the reverb and everything. the lyrics ‘i will be kind and i’ll be sweet/if you stop staring straight through me’ hit particularly hard back when everyone thought that ghostbur was actually wilbur in disguise 

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[subdivisi0ns]

tagged by the lovely @britneyshakespeare to answer these 10 questions & come up with 10 of my own. thank you !! 💗

psa i wrote way too much please don’t read this. just skip to the questions at the end if i tagged you

1. What are 3 songs that mean something to you, and what do they mean?

that’s hard because i don’t usually find personal meanings in songs. i’m a lot more interested in what the song means to the artist who wrote it. but let’s see if i can think of some

-um. after all by david bowie was always Highly Relatable. like. prattling on & on waxing philosophical only to suddenly realize everything i said is wrong and don’t hate me and also now i’m having an existential crisis and i shouldn’t have started talking in the first place? M e

-when i was first getting into rush i was a big fan of Self Isolating To Cope and also i had no friends and was proud of it (bc if i couldn’t find a way to take pride in my [perceivedly] unchangeable flaws my entire self image would come crashing to the ground and that just wasn’t a good time . anyway). so the lines “nothing can survive in a vacuum / no one can exist all alone” from turn the page pissed me off. but now! now i have loads of friends and i feel legitimately cared about and i feel like i can comfortably reciprocate that and now when i hear that song i think you know what neil? you’re goddamn right.

-uh i s’pose i relate to another brick in the wall pt 3 which is not a good thing but. i dunno i really love being angrily in denial of needing any help whatsoever along to this song. it’s my flaw-pride anthem (don’t worry i don’t take it literally. it’s just fun in the moment)

-shit i know this said three but the one person who i relate to EVERY FUCKING SONG he’s ever put out is bill wurtz. never have i felt so understood than when i listen to bill wurtz’s music. god it’s the most uncanny feeling, i really really understand it a lot

ok i have to stop thinking of more . turns out a lot have meaning to me ive spent like an hour on this question alone Moving On

2. What’s your ideal self like?

. this was The Worst question to ask me because i can and will ramble on for hours given the opportunity

well i’d be able to execute my ideas, for one. instead of just having a half-baked - quarter-baked - fleeting concept with no real idea of how to achieve it. more specifically i want to be able to write songs. more more specifically i want to be able to write the music aspect of songs. i can’t do it. i dont fuckin know why i just can’t. but if i could i think i just might be content with life.

but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to improve. i wish i was funnier. i like my weird brand of humor/abstractity online but that’s hard to replicate in real life. i wish i was better at thinking on the spot. i wish my memory didn’t only retain stuff when it feels like it. i wish i was better at putting my thoughts into words, more concisely and accurately and effectively.

um i wish i didnt have executive function issues. like i wanna just do stuff and not have it take all the energy out of me. wish i had the energy to do it to begin with. wish i could keep up with socializing and not ignore people for hours/days because i can’t get myself to maintain conversation.

ok clearly this is leading down an endless tunnel of what i’d change so . i’ll just say my ideal self is a successful musician with a good social life but also an element of mystery and intrigue. my ideal self is just david bowie

3. Who, of all your family members (immediate or extended), do you think has had the most influence on you, for better or for worse?

my mom for a lot (a looooooot) of reasons but if i go into it this is gonna push it over the line from a tag game into a therapy session (if i havent crossed that line already)

4. What’s your main outlet of expression?

writing. journalling. fuckin , social media. actually yeah that more than anything. my Self is on display here if you look at my tumblr(s) my twitter(s) and my instagram(s) you’ve got a pretty goddamn decent picture of who i am

5. What was the first album you ever bought for yourself?

uh i mean i listen to most stuff off of youtube if i don’t already have it so like,,? i dunno. does itunes count? the first vinyl i ever got was wish you were here (for forty fuckin bucks god) but i paid with my aunt’s money so does that even count. i don’t know.

6. Do you like to go shopping?

depends on a lot of things. lately i’ve been in the mood to just get out of the damn house whenever possible (love being a high school dropout !) so the answer is pretty much yes anytime. but it really depends.

7. Kind of cliche but, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would you pick?

i wanna be the fourth person at the dinner with rush table. just to observe. i’d be terrified to actually have a conversation with any of my idols. okay but if i had to get over that fear i guess i’d pick..... bowie? todd? i don’t know this is hard. alex lifeson circa 197something so he can take me back to his place afterwards you pickin up what im puttin down

8. What TV show do you watch when you’re feeling stressed or low and you need a quick feel-better fix?

i don’t watch tv like ever not even in this case but i guess full house

9. What was the last intriguing conversation you had about?

everything my girlfriend said to me today (edit: yesterday but i did this last night) was great everything my girlfriend’s ever said to me was great

oh that didn’t answer the question at all i just realized. uh they were telling me about the star wars prequels (which i have not seen) and earlier we were having a very analytical conversation about a particularly interesting rush photo

also me & @swanky-trash were discussing our plans to take down trump and all the rest of those bastards while wearing jareth from labyrinth costumes and eating mushrooms. because it’s our destiny as clones separated at birth. yknow just life stuff

10. What’s something about yourself that you don’t think comes across as painfully obvious online, but is, in fact, in person?

shit are we at the end already? damn. i was enjoying this (can you tell).

okay here’s another one i could go on for 12 years about. but uh. i probably come across as way more perky irl? like my voice is all high pitched and i talk really fast and smile and laugh at everything and i have a whatever the opposite of monotone is voice. i don’t like that. i try to combat it online with the all-lowercase typing and shortening of words and omission of punctuation and that sort of thing. i think it’s worked. also i may be terrible at typing but i am WAY worse at speaking. i’m scatterbrained as hell and if i seem at all interesting or witty online that all goes to shit irl. also i can’t fucking talk to people who i only know in person? it just doesn’t work. thank god i have you guys

haaaa okay sorry for the rambling here are the questions

1. what’s the best day/one of the best days you’ve ever had?

2. how important is your social media presence to you?

3. what achievement are you proudest of?

4. describe your sense of humor.

5. is there anything you’re good at or like to do that people who don’t know you well probably wouldn’t expect?

6. what’s your most interesting family story?

7. favorite color palette?

8. what’s something that would be very “out of character” for you to do?

9. yknow that thing on twitter that’s like “pick 1 & rt for good luck” and the options are good grades, meet your idol, money, or crush texts you? which one would/did you pick and why?

10. what’s a song you either wish you’d written or feel like you could’ve written?

i tag @thetemplesofrush @thumbnailoak3 @swanky-trash @lavender-layne @realalexlifeson @davies-jones @goallines-and-musicrhymes @fruitthemed @graveyarding @cosmikdebris99 and anyone else who wants to do it and dont feel pressured to do it etc etc god i hope none of you actually read this whole thing i am so sorry

[jujusama]

im glad i dont use tumblr much at all anymore tbh. theres a lot of unnecessary negativity and things that can just seep into you subconsciously and i kinda just wanna talk about that

this is more when youre part of a certain community/fandom as opposed to like just following blogs that post pictures of like cats or nature or some shit. its true that there are a lot of great people to meet and things to learn but theres also a lot of bad influences.

in my experience there was a lot of normalization of smoking and drugs and alcohol. and in the kpop scene whitewashing was so frequent it became a normal thing. it honestly took me like 6 months to recognize whitewashing was a thing and realize that i subconsciously accepted these idols super pale bleached and unnatural skin as the norm before learning how detrimental this practice of whitewashing is. im not gonna go super into detail because ive ranted about whitewashing before but my boyfriend, for example, (a dark skinned filipino boy) grew up hating his skin and wishing to have lighter skin like 2 of his siblings have due to asia’s beauty standards and rampant whitewashing.

another thing i let influence me from my years on tumblr was black and white thinking. not necessarily in relation to the kind you get with anxiety or bpd but the kind of aggressive stubbornness that makes you unwilling to compromise and so quick to strike some thought or opinion down due to one fallacy or thing you dont agree with. you see this a lot with people suddenly “boycotting” or hating a show or piece of media due to one problematic occurrence or thing they dont agree with. people become so unwilling to look at things objectively due to this black and white thinking. no one thing is completely evil or completely good (there are some exceptions like trump of course lol). its totally fine to dislike something because it is offensive or problematic but bringing this kind of thinking to the real world and shutting down anyone you dont agree with and refusing to work together will not work. heck the us government doesnt work because this 2 party system and how unwilling politicians are to listen to the other side of the story and compromise. even if their story or beliefs are completely absurd and wrong the only way to change that and educate them to believe in what you think is right is to understand their foundations. listening to the other side’s story and understanding the way they think is the way to analyzing how to turn their beliefs around and educate them. education is really a powerful weapon imo.

theres probably more negative things that have influenced me on tumblr but honestly being away from all this feels so enlightening and freeing?? im really so so happy nowadays like these things can really subconsciously affect you and im so much better away from tumblr. thats not to say im off of all social media tho i use twitter quite a lot but. ive just been doing great ive been so much more focused on my studies and on doing the things i like like playing skyrim and watching kdrama and movies and spending time with my boyfriend its really nice. i feel ive really matured as a person. and of course i still keep up with bts 24/7 (or as much as i can with how intense college is and my job and my bf and my other interests)... in a way i actually feel like bts helped me reach this point and way of thinking. namjoon is just so damn thoughtful yknow?? and he makes me think a lot too and i really pride myself on being a very understanding and thoughtful person.

anyways i hope everyone is doing well!! whatever youre going through right now just know that is really truly will get better! i know hearing these kind of trite sayings of positivity from someone who is not suffering sounds like an empty promise, but ive seriously been there before and felt hopeless and stuck so please always keep hope in your heart. there really is no finite solution to mental illness, i dont know how ive gotten through it, and i know nothing anyone else says can fix your problems, but sharing your experiences with someone you trust is the best way to weather through it until you find your own path. its very comforting. because “when sadness is shared its halved, and when happiness is shared its doubled” (--kim namjoon)

[equestrian---strumpet]

CONTENT WARNING: Strumpet goes the fuck off.

CONTENT WARNING: Strumpet goes the fuck off.

Hello friends. Since our time left on tumblr is short, it is now time for me to really lay out just about EVERYTHING on y’all. Yes, I drew shocking, humanized MLP porn. Yes, I purposefully tagged it as shota for more views. Yes, I was doing everything for attention. You see, my boyfriend at the time when I started drawing my MLP smut was cheating on me. Not only was he cheating on me, but it was with someone who not only drew foalcon (yes, foalcon, tiny Cutiemark Crusaders and all, still very much single digit fillies, gore inclusive) but this person dateraped me at FWA 2011. He not only made me apologize for this person literally taking advantage of me right in front of him, but now they are dating. All they wanted in life was to be ~*HORSEFAMOUS*~ So yknow what? I was gonna take that from them. *I* was gonna be the “horsefamous” one, not them. He wants to cheat on me and get away with it? She wants to betray my trust and defile me? Fine. 2011 Gabby will play hardball. …and it fuckin’ worked. Too hard, even. A few months later, I’m getting “famous” for my shocking Sparity porn. My boyfriend and this “friend” of mine are jealous. Oh hell yes, everything is working. …and then the fucking Whoo saga happened. She started harassing me after Bronycon 2012 after I called her out for trying to make me a victim in a photo taken by Carnifex. I was now her target. Despite her having friends who we discovered much later were MAKING GRAPHIC GURO SHOTA AND LOLI ALL THIS TIME AND FLIRTING WITH MINORS, she decides to attack me and my shocking art. And yknow what? I am sorry I drew that and purposefully tagged it shota. Even though I was only 20 and even though I was doing it just to make my shitty, foalcon-producing boyfriend and daterapist jealous, I’m sorry. I am especially sorry because I am now learning some of my VERY ADULT FRIENDS have been flirting with minors in the fandom essentially like…this entire fuckin’ time. I am so, so sorry to produce things that were uncomfortable, not knowing this kind of grooming bullcrap was happening behind our backs this entire time. Even though I was just doing it for the views and I was too naive and jealous to know better, I’m really fuckin’ sorry. Even though I legitimately base that Spike I draw on myself and that Rarity I draw on my ideal, female partner, I’m still sorry. I was definitely egging things on at the beginning to piss off my boyfriend and the person he cheated on me with, and that was just…so wrong. I am glad I finally stopped being an entirely NSFW tumblr down the road; not only did I feel more genuine with the stuff I was posting (mostly rants, even!) but I started to get more of a sense of purpose in what I wanna do in a fandom, no matter what it is. I even started to gain more followers that were NICE and SUPPORTED ME. I wasn’t just their porn-producing piece of meat. …however. I will not ever, EVER apologize to Whoo. You are an evil, vindictive person. Even when I was just trying to enjoy myself for a day in LA last year for the last EQLA ever, you felt the need to fax my boss a letter, trying to get me fired for things I did LITERALLY YEARS AGO. You can say it wasn’t you, but you were stupid enough to use a public faxing website and it not only gave you city away, but it pinged right in your damn neighborhood. (Yes, I know where you live. No, I’m not gonna doxx you, even though you tried to doxx me SEVERAL TIMES, 1-2 TIMES A YEAR SINCE I STOPPED USING TUMBLR REGULARLY). I only wish my boss fired me, then I would have had the pleasure of taking your ass to court (not that I would have been able to get very far, based on your current situation lol) Like, damn…I haven’t spoken to you in years, and you try and ruin my life all because I was having fun at a convention? I am sorry if I might have made people uncomfortable; but you suck, Whoo. I will never, EVER apologize to you. May the God(s) you bully people for believing in have mercy on your soul. To all of you: the folks I know love me already follow me on Twitter. And once again, I’m sorry for all the stupid bullshit I did on this site. But just in case it wasn’t clear: Fuck you, Bobby. Fuck you, Hannah. and fuck you especially, Whoo. I will never be sorry for the grief I gave you three specifically. love, Strumpet

http://equestrian-strumpet.tumblr.com/post/180815739145/content-warning-strumpet-goes-the-fuck-off

[anything-with-a-girl-on-top]

Back at it again

Yet another word vomit post man I'm getting quite sick of this but I really got to hand it to tumblr cos it's the only place I feel like no one really knows me here. And that's good because no one (that I know of personally) needs to see all this. So here goes, another of my stupid overthinking session that's making me feel down and listening to paramore for the past 4-5 hours definitely boost my sadness. I love paramore. I also feel kinda trapped that I can't post this anywhere else because I have so much to say and this time round I just can't deal with those stupid subtle signs that I always do on my insta or Twitter ugh it's so lame I really hate myself?? Haha but not really. Also, you're following me on all my social media platforms and this is all about you. So. I just let someone new enter my life a couple of weeks ago and I think I've grown and matured a lot compared to my past experiences with girls. But this one was kinda unexpected. I met a girl before her but that ended as quickly as it started and I'm thankful for that because she was a reminder for me to not get too caught up in the moment and just chill yknow. After that I started talking to this girl. She's super funny and I really like her energy. She's the first girl to ever ask me out first and that was a nice change. When we met I felt so comfortable like I knew her for awhile and we could vibe a lil because we were both chill and everything was cool. She's cool. Really cool. She knew things that I always felt like I should take note of but never did. She's so open and expressive, yet not afraid to show her vulnerable sides. She made one of the biggest impacts on me for a first meet up and that got me wanting a bit more. I didn't even know if I was attracted to her that way. The week after our meet up had me in a dilemma if i should ask her out properly or not. Thing is, I know she'll be a great friend. And then something hit me. Idk why but I just felt like I didn't want to screw this up.. I didn't want to lose her and I know it sounds insane since I barely know her but I just can't help but to feel so drawn to her as a person. It felt like every time I have something on with a girl, they're usually the one to like me first or have the thoughts of dating me the same time I do, and the moment I actually invest my feelings and let them in, nothing good comes out of it. They either block me off or just forget about me completely. I usually avoid this if I really don't feel anything for a person and just not start anything at all. So I immediately squashed any thoughts about dating her whatsoever. Then we met again, my thoughts felt more solid since she's an open person and I found a way to roughly guess what I was to her. However, after that we just kept communicating. I found it weird like does she text her friends everyday too? She made me feel like she was interested in me genuinely. Maybe not in a romantic sense but kind of. I couldn't help it. I could post my dog on my insta story and she'd reply to it just to create convo. I read up and watched videos on how to know if a girl likes you/what are the signs and all that nonsense for god knows why and she fit all the categories well. I actually thought she was interested in me. But of course after a few days, her texting got a bit duller. A bit more mundane and mediocre. It was still nice? She'd ask me how was work and everything. Check up on me here and there. Still replied regularly. I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie and so we did. However, just a few days before we met, she started sounding kinda down. Her messages got quite still and she didn't sound like she wanted to talk at all. I didn't know what to feel about that. Should I not reply? Should I leave her alone? But.. She texted me telling me she was going to shower and I just sent a smiley face because I really wasn't feeling it and was already in bed. A few hours later she suddenly texted saying she's going to sleep and said nights to me. She didn't have to, I thought. So that small gesture gave me a little hope. That maybe she's just like this after getting comfortable with someone yknow. We met for the movie and everything was as usual. But i don't know. A depressing thought crossed my mind. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I feel like nothing ever works out for me. I feel like after all this time of getting hurt, whether it's in secret and I'm letting it out on tumblr, or I talk to all my friends about it, I ought to be smarter?? Build a wall? Don't let people in so easily? I kinda wish I didn't have feelings sometimes. I don't want to ruin this friendship. I don't want things to get weird but somehow it always does and I understand why. You told me to be smarter so that girls won't take advantage of me but, I guess I'm just not smart enough. God is fair. Sigh. I just want her to know but I know things will get weird since she doesn't feel the same (even though I thought she did at the start) and I really don't want to let this one go. Not like the rest. Never really felt this way about someone before. I usually skip the friendship part and hence only losing a relationship, not really losing a friend in the process. This girl though. She's a real great person that I chanced upon and I definitely don't ever want to lose this. I feel so ridiculous like what's up with this girl right? I haven't even told her my feelings yet I feel like I already lost her. I hate myself. I hate how I overthink everything. fuck this.

[mey0]

THOUGHTS u can ignore this lol

ok ignore me im going to type a lot about my life because I have nowhere else to really let it out hahahaha

 I might delete my twitter because I don’t want to use it anymore bcbcbcbcbcbcbcbb but UHM! I thinkn I have a crush on someone.... and I want to like die a little bit inside, I love talking to him and he always says I look cute and hes relaly funny but I think he only sees me as a friend whcih is like FINE! as long as I get to hang out with him ya know but liikke e he told me he was goin on a date and I couldn’t help but get a little bit sad yknow bc he’ll probably never know I ever had a crush on him or anything and i’m lik el LOL u could take me on a damn date I haave nevr dated a person in my fuckign life. I just wish for once one of my crushes could work out, Like you know when you reallly only want to talk to that one person that makes ur heart beat a nd hurt a little bit more than normal? Thats how I feel and im pretty sure he doesn’t feel that way about me but a girl can dream right? My mom told me I should tell him how I feel once I hit a goal or something like the end of the musical or maybe once I hit my diet goal but I’m too scared ot lose the friendship so I’m scared this crush will end up like all of mmy other crushes going nowhere hahahaaaaaa I mean i’m pretty sure I’m not his type anyway but A GIRL CAN DREAM LOL! I’m just so desperate for attention (mainly his) and I’m so glad I can use tumblr to like let out all of my steam this is so thereputic- I feel so  distanced from everyone I know here and thats what I really want... just a place where I can write my feelings down with nobody I know talking to me. Sometimes I feel like I would just be better off alone. When people show an interest in becoming my friend I get sketched out... I just get sketched out if I don’t want to give them attention in return- socializing for me is really tough sometimes and taking the time to get to know someone really is difficult when you have so mmany things to do. Making friends in theater was easy since I’m witht hem everyday but I have no desire to like.... hang out with other people... I know that sounds mean but I feel like i’m secluding myself. I wanted to make more friends this year but now that I have my small group of theater friends I feel ok? LIke I don’t want to bother with making more friends I have no fuckin time like aqquaintances are chill but FUC HAHHA i’m typing so much, can you tell I have a lot to say? My problem is... I just pine away- hoping the person that I like will catch on and ask me out or something, but maybe for once I should start makinng the first move? GRRRR Idk I have so many things on my mind. and I’m just a little bit sad. god I wish that were me.....