#yknow not with those words but. that's the sentiment

[invinciblerodent]

ah, he's finally getting to slut it up the way the gods (me) intended.

good for him. good for him.

[thegamingcatmom]

BIRB MAMA LET´S GO 🐦‍⬛

(I can´t get over how adorable/goofy she looks here. How am I supposed to fear any of that?)

If Mother Miranda were to take an interest in you outside the whole vessel thing, it would include:

(Yall know the drill by now: Don´t like my dark and twisted stuff, don´t read my dark and twisted stuff. 🖤)

having to listen to her ranting and gossiping about her "children"

sometimes, it´s straight up just death threats

she´s scary when she gets like that

especially because she tends to breathe down your neck to calm herself (your scent is quite helpful)

having to listen to her feverish prayers when it comes to Eva

Eva is a big topic in general

helping her in her lab

which basically means cleaning up her mess (and she is rather messy, it has to be said)

we´re talking mountains of papers as well as mountains of bodies

ofc she´s gonna make sure to snuff out every last bit of life before she lets you near her failed experiments

she won´t take any risks when it comes to you

as for the papers-

...it´s a mess

and it´s very scary (and very unfair) when she gets all hissy and murderous over you trying to do your "job" and clean up her mess just because, out of the millions of papers, there´s one that she still needs

"How dare you throw that away?!"

"Well, how tf am I supposed to know?!"

...you think to yourself because there´s no way you´re gonna say that to her face (you quite like breathing, tyvm)

Eva

whenever she has one of her downright terrifying smash-things-against-the-wall "tantrums" (as you like to call them not to her face) she gets all purry and touchy-feely after

probs her way of apologizing (cause there ain´t no way she´s gonna use them words)

you hate that it´s working

despite being a mass murderer/mold monster smt who doesn´t require eating or using any stuff that humans usually would (like toilets), she does appreciate you cooking and cleaning for her

things she tasked you with ofc

she quite...enjoys the sight

(smt about that domestic view just...does things to her)

(you force-wearing an apron drives her wild)

Eva

preening

she does have feathers, after all

and those need lots of TLC 💋

makes you clean her mask too

or her hand chains

anything, really

in return, you may wear it

(honestly? totally worth it)

we won´t talk about the fact she´s doing it more for herself (just like pretty much everything else) because seeing you wearing what is hers just...yknow?

but also to demonstrate to you just how good it feels to be bad

"Hm... What do you think, little bird? Do you like it? I certainly do..."

Eva

forces you to attend meetings with her so she can show you off

and also because it almost always gives her a reason to rip into her "children" because that bunch just doesn´t know how to behave around you

especially the tall one who keeps throwing you looks that make it seem like she wants nothing more than for you to drop dead

you kinda share that sentiment

anywhere would be better than here

...she´s scary

something Miranda takes note of as well

one look is all that is needed to put the tall one in her place

in moments like this, you truly appreciate your roommate´s/abductor´s murderous side

when you´ve been especially good for a (long) while (no escape attempts, no talking back, no disobeying her whatsoever) she indulges your childish urges to see her transform into different animals

she will deny any and all accusations of smiling at that, down to her very last breath

(she could be persuaded though...)

Eva

one day, you´ll probs have to go from cleaning that mess to making it

which means actively helping MM with her experiments

cutting someone open etc.

there´s no way out of it, let´s be honest

it´s her livelihood, ofc she wants to share that with you

(isn´t she just precious?)

spying on the villagers for her

(she will find out when you´ve been lying, so don´t even think about it)

Eva

(This actually got way less dark and twisted than I anticipated. Gotta work on that, LMAO.)

Basically, my HC for Miranda includes her getting an absolute kick out of anything family/domestic life. She goes absolutely nuts when it comes to her daughter, so I imagine this would count for an s/o as well. She gets obsessed to the point of no return, and she´ll fight tooth and nail to keep them with her always.

I could go on, and on, and on, and on, and-

But, alas, it is rather late and, unlike some mold monster smt, I do need my sleep. ;3

I might do more posts like that cause I have thoughts. 😩🤌

CYA THERE! 🫶

[cios-correct-opinions]

@evilkaeya @aaabatteryy @starrynightarchive

see my other post about this here

to tl;dr this: when it comes to fandom and content creators, ppl tend to make content of the characters they already love and thus think about most often, which leads to, at times, male characters getting genderbent into women either thru cis or trans hcs, bc they are both genderbending, thats the definition of the term bc youre changing their gender, and getting mad at people for not, in your opinion, "appreciating" the female characters enough, is not doing anything except making people feel bad for not having the "correct" feelings about a character at best, or making them actively angry and thus fueling them to create more of that thing you hate out of spite at worst (for you anyway, not for the people who like it).

this doesnt mean they dont give a shit abt the other characters who arent their faves, but to create a work of art, you need to be able to like. care enough to do it. and that requires more care than just a general enjoyment or appreciation of a character, especially if the work in question is time intensive/would be time intensive, like writing a chapter fic/thousands of words long oneshot, or making a fully rendered piece of art, etc. obvi this will depend on the skill and energy levels of the artist we're talking about but yknow, on a general scale

op of this post blocked me so i cant respond directly on it but, for context

first of all: i'm not illiterate but i'm beginning to think some people on this post might be, given this response, because it is so clearly Not what i was talking about it's a little wild, actually!

also i hate to tell yall this, but the reason you don't often see people genderbending female characters to male anymore is bc of the spread of radfem ideology thru fandom spaces like wildfire. ppl genuinely lose their shit when ppl even have transmasc or trans man headcanons for characters assumedly cis female in the source material (which is genderbending btw. them being trans doesnt mean it isnt genderbending anymore you are still changing their gender thus it is genderbending thats the definition fellas) bc they fucking hate men and the idea of men existing

sorry not sorry but if you get mad at ppl who genderbend female characters into transmascs/trans men (transmascs aren't always genderbends, bc you can be transmasc and also a woman, but i digress/for the sake of brevity...) and go "you're TAKING AWAY a GOOD FEMALE CHARACTER!" i need you to stop for a second and consider why these people - most of whom are trans men/transmascs themselves - might be doing that to a character they like.

9/10 times when i see a cis genderbend of a male character to be female, the person doing it is a cis woman. when i see genderbends, of any kind, of a female character to be male or masc? it's almost always done by a trans man and/or a transmasc. and inevitably, they are almost always dogpiled for it with disgusting levels of hate. i've seen it happen so many times i stopped attempting to count a long time ago

don't come up here saying "you NEVER see-" because actually i see all of those things happen all the time. ppl love genderbending men characters into women, or emasculating/demasculinizing/feminizing them in order to make them personally more appealing, or saying "[mlm ship] would be better if it was two girls/wlw/two fem-aligned/etc" all the fucking time. and while i realize this is often a way for the people who say this to like, try to lash out at common misogynistic/lesbiphobic/transmisogynistic/etc sentiment irl, in doing so, they are not doing it in a way that allows for a nuanced understanding of their fellow fandom-goers. they make blanket sweeping statements and then dogpile people who disagree

the moment you start treating entire demographics of people as if they are a hivemind or a single identity, the moment you decide that something "never" happens bc you personally have not seen it? youve already lost any possible chance you mightve had at making a good point

[ceasarslegion]

Hey man I just wanted to give you condolences for how hard this work shit is causing you to struggle. Just one of those things everyone has their own crosses to bear in regards to toxic workplaces. If you are considering a change in careers I'm sure it can't be too hard to translate your experience to somewhere less intense.

Thank you 😭

I just need to get out of this specific place to somewhere that let's me rest and get my ducks in a row from here. It sucks to be at a part of my life where I realize I'm not doing what makes me happy and I have to start all over. My 20s have felt like an endless cycle of starting all over honestly, but my family tells me that's normal for your 20s and it's why they suck so bad and that I'm doing fine for a 25 year old. They've told me in a worst case scenario I could come crash with them and be a paid farmhand at my aunt and uncles cattle ranch while I figure things out, but I'm not a country guy at all. It would make me so much mentally worse to leave the city, but at least I have a nuclear option if things really blow up in my face. I'm not in danger of being utterly out of work with no roof over my head or food to eat.

I think the security industry has just gone to hell honestly. It used to be a respectable and livable job where you were trusted to handle things and weren't expected to put your life on the line for customer service experience or whatever. You could bring your books and little things to play with while on guard duty because no one expected you to just stare at the fucking wall for 8 straight hours if there was nothing to respond to. I actually first got into security early on in uni because it allowed me to do my schoolwork at work so I could balance school and finances without being utterly devoid of free time or sacrificing my sleep. As long as the checklist got done and the building was still standing at the end of my shift, they were happy.

Now they treat us like a hybrid between emergency responders and customer service representatives. We aren't emergency responders, we're supposed to be the mid ground responders. Yknow, the incidents that need intervention but aren't threats to public safety. You don't call the cops on someone screaming at the service staff or the fire department when you lock yourself out, you call security. In recent years it's turned into "well what can you do to both curtail actual emergencies and make their *experience* better?" That's not my job!! Nowhere in my job description or certifications does it say I'm a first responder! I'm not supposed to be! I'm the guy who assigns tasks and keeps everyone's head screwed on when the emergencies happen but I am not the guy who puts my own life in danger to solve them. Do not ask me to do that for 23 bucks an hour and no mental health benefits and then ask me why the guy screaming at me wasnt happy with his experience today, what's wrong with all of you

Luckily my old work friend got out and found work doing like, proper big boy government aviation security for celebrities and political figures. She tells me there's no drama or mean girl bullshit there because there's only like 5 of them and there's no need to prove themselves to each other. And it starts a whole wealth bracket above what I make now. I gave her my credentials and CV and she said she'd pass them on and put in a good word for me, so I hope that goes somewhere. Other than that my like regular schedule now is waking up and going right to my pc to open the city job board and hitting apply on everything I even remotely could do

Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant man, I really do appreciate the gesture. And as a general sentiment, please be nice to security guards. We're going through enough as it is

[oh-hools]

10, 21, 23 🫡

10. would you say you're an emotional person

i think in semi recent developments. yes?. yes. in a lot of contexts im still not used to being emotional but friends and othersuch people close to me-wise i do find myself Feeling the radiating love&more. i wouldn't call myself outwardly sappy but it's hard not to feel those emotions inwardly yknow. I'm happy ive been getting better at expressing those kinds of things because like if those sentiments of comfort and happy were expressed to me about spending time together for example. well it makes me feel reallygood. words mean a lot to this thing. ❤️

21. are you a spiritual person?

not the most. but shrug! ofc u know being filipino there is a baseline lvl of spirituality that's rooted in is and i would say i at least meet that. but growing up in an urban area (& growing a little sheltered) definitely makes it different. that being said yeah our old house definitely had shit going on in it. my dad recently was telling us stories abt his encounters and the encounters on his side of the family and it's pretty freaky. i do believe him. i somehow never clocked him as spiritual To That Extent before then. but it makes sense.

23. say 3 things about someone you hate

welllllll wellll welll @ this person in my class stop talking + listen for once in your life + you're genuinely the most exhausting person i know

[definitelynotshouting]

Hello again! Im so sorry to hear you feeling well when i sent in my ask the other day :( hoping that the life series drop tmrw will provide a much needed distraction for whatever you need it to :)

-☀️

"I know the, um, this morning didn't go… very well… but… if I could—""

"Good, he thinks, but it's a rote sentiment, not half so vicious as it had been only hours earlier."

- oh??? 👀 i am looking

- Im assuming this is the meeting they had about taking grian back to hermitcraft (and the revelation that grian feeds on emotions to survive)?? Very curious

- Now that metaphor about the childhood coat being stained is a lot more painful

-☀️

"even stolen energy can't make up for that."

"everything he'd never had the first time he— well, when Grian, the real Grian— had died."

- "stolen energy" omg i am biting ankles over this.

- And the "real Grian" thing. Yeah

- This is one of those moments where grian's whole situation is so much more potent and vivid. Imagining living as myself, but knowing im occupying someone elses body, and having my very lifeforce sustained by others?? Its not hard to understand why grian internalises and hates himself for being "a parasite". Idk thats probably very obvious to everyone else but this is the first time ive really thought about all of what that entails

-☀️

"Starving hands reach out from the depths of his mind to pull him back, stumbling, under that dark waterline."

- Love how the word "starving" implies that G falling asleep is more of a survival mechanism forcing him under so that his body can feed rather than only exhaustion

-☀️

"he's pressed a knife to every promise he's ever made since the day he emerged,"

- shaking you

-☀️

"His existence lies in the shadows of these distorted fractures, jagged hopes and dented dreams, forever fated to cut his hands on the fragments."

- AHHHHJSLDHSJSVSN

- Man 🧍

- Dont have any words. Just tears.

AAAAAAAAAA SUN ANON I ALWAYS LOVE SEEING YOU IN MY INBOX!!!! Gods im so glad these lines resonated with and interested you, they were a ton of fun to write

I have a brain today so i can actually expand on some of the things youve pointed out instead of just aiming heart eyes at you for the compliments fjsndjsjejke so for the first point, yes!!! Scar and Xisuma returned to the others post chap 6 and were like "Well that sucked!! Wow!!!!" I wouldnt say theyve given all the information to everybody, because they themselves aren't exactly ready to discuss that beyond the immediately required basics, but everyone else was given the gist: convo went badly, Grian is being taken back to Hermitcraft on Scar and Xisuma's insistence. Both Scar and Xisuma feel fucking horrible for how that conversation went down-- nobody had a good time there. So while the plan is to eventually get everyone up to speed, they're sorta taking this time to be miserable about what was essentially a fight that ended in stripping Grian of his autonomy

There's also a little cross-communication happening here in the background, btw: Scar and Xisuma have a pretty big picture now, but Tango, Mumbo, and Pearl have been fed that false info abt the potions being potentially useful. So, yknow :) just smth to keep in mind there haha

Your point about how it almost feels like Grian falling asleep is a survival mechanism is spot on the money. It's essentially him falling into a state of low power mode, where everything but his most basic of functions is shut down for a brief time in favour of preserving energy-- i would honestly consider it more equivalent to a coma than actual sleep. Hence Tango's concern, and subsequent relief when Grian woke up; the entire time he was unconscious, he was fully unresponsive. So, yknow. Real nerve-wracking to see, especially after that prior full week of unresponsiveness as his body struggled to maintain itself.

Tango's role here is indeed deliberate, both on a watsonian and doylist level!! The reason however is the exact same for both: Tango is a little more removed, personally, from this situation. Grian was-- and is-- his friend, ofc, but he's not as close to whats happening. Meanwhile, Xisuma is in 24/7 server babysitting mode, Pearl is not fit to be a caretaker, and Scar and Mumbo were tearing themselves apart by trying to sit and look after him. So Tango got assigned caretaker duties 😂😂😂😂 it was an effective way to divvy up tasks and keep everybody busy, and somewhat hilariously, so far Tango is the only person Grian isnt supremely upset with for one reason or another. And thats why he's continued to stay in caretaker mode lol he is truly just. The only guy who can rn

I also just sorta think of him as a surprisingly emotionally savvy fixer-type, in terms of personality. Like. I think he just gets what people set down in front of him, yknow? Although hell if he knows what to do with it once he's got em. He fumbles a lot, sure, and he defaults to fix-it mode, but he is getting the message when Grian essentially says "i dont wanna talk anymore" without actually saying it

As for Grian and his headspace, rn, theres definitely a complexity at work here where he wants to die and is very genuine in that, but he IS also grateful he's seeing his friends. He cant deny that. As painful as it is, he still loves them very much, and ultimately he's trying to do this for their own good as much as for his own sense of punishment and relief. I think like... now that he's really creeping up on what he has planned, and the pieces are suddenly becoming a reality, theres a bit of dissonance he's fighting against to stay on course. He wants his friends happy; he also wants to die. He's so overwhelmingly tired; he is, as much as he feels he doesnt deserve it, glad to have his friends close. That sort of hopelessness mixed with a warped sense of comfort that he got to see and interact with them one last time. If that makes any sense. Its a bit of complexity i wanted to make sure i added in, because people are so rarely fully decided on any course of action they choose to take, without even a single flicker of doubt (and especially one so final as this). Im glad youve picked up on that, and that you appreciate what i was trying to set down with it!!! :D

This was such a lovely message, as always-- you are very sweet, sun anon, and i appreciate you lots :] i hope you're having an excellent day!!!

[kowaindar0u]

i present: yuichi's playlist! [spotify] [youtube]

(as of 3/14/2024)

as with most of the playlists i make, some songs are readily applicable, some just have the right Vibe, some are sorta funny... and in yuichi's case, there's a lot of a rain theme going on lol

(also, some are ones from my own tourabu mood playlist that i just had to bring over)

because i've always wanted to do this i'm gonna go through all the songs and maybe explain why i put it there or something?? yolo! playlist guide under the cut lol

i recommend having this going while you listen!

most songs (on the youtube version) have lyrics/translations where available!

there's a lot of kpop don't judge me lol

Dreamcatcher - Full Moon this is a song from dc to their fans on their first anniversary lol, so the themes of a somewhat-new bond are pretty relevant!

Seventeen- Campfire do i even need to explain? sobs this song makes my heart warm ... just thinking about yuichi & all the toudans sitting around a campfire having *sniffles* precious moments... ; A;

Rihanna - Umbrella LMAO this one is very on-the-nose but also just thinking about it's hilarious, i couldn't resist. (plus like... it's a jam. also lyrically it actually does fit!)

Dreamcatcher - Boca be prepared to see a lot of dreamcatcher w/me, they're my Favorite(TM). anyway Boca is about protecting someone from harsh words (better translation is "if those thornlike words / start to hurt you / i won't let them open that boca (mouth)") AND has a very rainy/stormy atmosphere which makes it perfect. yes i know my toudans are Sword Warriors yes i still want to protect them as best i can!! (it's more about like. bullying and hate but yknow. similar sentiments...shhh...)

The Weather Girls - It's Raining Men ...............i don't think i need to explain myself on this >.> (THO HAHA IMAGINE IF THIS WAS HOW SWORDS MANIFESTED IN HIS HONMARU i'm dead)

ToppDogg -Annie (Anniversary) another 'anniversary' type song, i think it speaks for itself. saniwa💙toudans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clean Bandit - Rather Be lyrically, yes!! being a saniwa is not an easy or peaceful job by any means but yuichi wouldn't want to be anywhere else <3 also the song makes me think of rainy/cool moist days!

Seventeen - Home seventeen shows up a decent amount too, but what can i say? the songs fit lol. saniwa-toudan relationships might not always be 100% sunshine and rainbows, but... they are home, no?

Twice - Feel Special GOD. this song came out while i was very into tkrb a few years ago and so that plus the song itself made me actually cry when i first watched it lol. it's so fitting though, i think from toudan or yuichi's perspective. for yuichi, he clearly struggles with his self-worth, and is...well, he's no stranger to a breakdown. but ... he's got so many touken danshi around him who love him

Girls' Generation - Talk Talk no explanation needed methinks! <3 just comparing a love to the rain

SF9 - The Beat Goes On okay this song is just like... pure beach episode, everyone gathering in the sunset and having a great time being free with each other. i include it on so many playlists where i just want to imagine a joyful time with the whole cast of whatever, it just has to go here too, even if you'd be hard-pressed to get yuichi on a beach lol

Yuju - Play this is just strictly for the vibes. i don't know that yuichi has someone who dipped and hurt him like that (but it could be interesting i guess lol). the song just is perfect for the rainy atmosphere

Dreamcatcher - Piri i told u prepare for dreamcatcher lol. anyway this song is literally about like... depression and getting to a point where you need a lifeline. very yuichi, unfortunately

New Politics - One of Us another "do i even need to explain?" song ;u; it's definitely on my tkrb playlist lol. also the lyric video is kinda fun lol imagining it as different toudans at the table

Gfriend - Summer Rain just very nice rainy vibes.

Super Junior - Why I Like You this song (the whole album really) has always given me rainy/humid vibes. but also... love <3 (ofc not necessarily romantic in yuichi's case! but yknow what i mean)

Flo Rida - My House almost a joke addition but like... also almost not a joke LOL

David Cook - Come Back to Me okay this song is tkrb playlist because it's like... 100% kiwame send-off vibes. i initially added it after watching hanamaru, thinking about kashuu sending off yasusada, but i think it also suits most sendoffs very well. i wanna cry. sobs....

SF9 - RPM So I don't have a good reason for adding this to yuichi's or my tkrb playlist other than it makes me think of using time travel to go on a mission. also i just REALLY like the song... and listening to it with the rain going is mmmwah *chef kiss*. just imagine a team going up to the [time travel device] all ready to fucking GO, looking all badass in the mist and shit. and then PPEPWWW they go! and now they're ready to fuck shit up (to un-fuck the timeline)... it's the VIBES AGAIN

Darren Hayes - Bloodstained Heart no words needed <3

Dreamcatcher - Over the Sky another anniversary fan song from dc! this song just makes me so happy and like. energized. spring time. anime conventions. so it's on my tkrb playlist, but it's also a sweet and fun song so, yknow, puts it on.

Ravi - Lean on Me is this yuichi talking to a toudan? or a toudan talking to yuichi? or ? who knows, but either way, i like it. sweet and reliable.

Seventeen - Thanks just... a song about being so grateful to know and love someone.

Major Lazer - Cold Water (the one song with justin bieber i listen to unironically lol)

Seventeen - Holiday oh man just LISTEN to it, even without the lyrics it's just like. fun!! party!! chill!!

SF9 - Bibora a jam. a rainy jam. but also maybe some parts of it speak to yuichi.

Jinsoul (Loona) - Singing in the Rain KNK - Rain Super Junior - Raining Spell for Love Strictly for the vibes.

JBJ - True Colors oh man. this song makes me cry too. my heart...

Starley - Call on Me Another song that I think explains itself lol

Dreamcatcher - Reason yet another anniversary song from deukae but it fits. through all the triumphs and hardships, despair and joy, the toudans in this citadel have become his whole reason for being and they inspire him to keep going and do better and be someone they can depend on and be proud to call their saniwa.

[lex-catto]

seen some sentiments abt himiko being the only one wanting to connect/ochako saying what she did to keep himiko back but that's barely the surface.

it's not even abt himiko wanting to connect, it's ochako wanting to. it's not one sided yknow?? himiko already reached out and got burned in the process, and now ochako is showing that she is genuine and she wants to show himiko that,, that she loves himiko. their mutual love is so <3 and ochako always expresses her true feelings, it's one of her greatest strengths and one of her deepest weaknesses. ochako would never say what she did if she didn't genuinely mean those words, because those are her true feelings. she hadnt accepted them before, but now she wants to show himiko that even after everything, ochako is still there and still willing to connect. she didn't leave. and she didn't give up.

ne ways they are homosexual and my everything

[gibbearish]

something kind of. bitter. abt tons of posts from about a month ago being like "anyone daring to even consider the words 'compassion fatigue/burnout' is a piece of shit for trying to assuage their own guilt over not paying as much attention as they should, much less telling OTHER people that it's ok to look away when it's not your place to say that because you're not the victims. 'wah wah my mental health' well at least you're not being bombed so you'd better be thankful you're not in their position. if you're not constantly tortured with graphic visions of genocide then you aren't actually doing your part" vs posts now being like "psa, if you're constantly being haunted by images you've seen and it's affecting your mood significantly, that's not normal and there's a word for that!" like. wow yeah damn if only someone had tried to warn people that this was a thing before it started to set in. such a shame no one did, oh well. and i know it's probably not the same people making those posts, but it still. Feels. and i know i've already made a post to this time before but idc the shift has put it back in my head so i guess take 2 on why i found this so annoying in the first place

it was always with a vibe of like, "this event is so horrible that the regular precautions to avoid compassion fatigue shouldn't apply, fixing it is more important." which. /is/ true in a sense, however those two things aren't actually related in the way that framing that way implies, paying attention doesn't actually /do/ anything concrete that would be lost by taking breaks from consuming news about this. there's the implication that the more people that pay attention, the more people in power will be forced to behave knowing that the world's eyes are on them. but like. this far in, they know everyone's eyes are on them by now, and have decided to proceed anyways. just kind of... looking at them harder isn't going to change anything. and also like.... "when the event is this horrible, why would you be thinking about that instead of putting them first"? because. the more horrible the event. the more. likely learning a lot about it will fuck you up? thats. that seems pretty obvious to me? like. there's more Shit For Your Brain To Torment You With 24/7 if more shit is being done and reported on. the worse something is, the worse it'll make you feel to spend all your time thinking about. yes, some people will be ignoring it because they genuinely don't care, but that doesn't automatically mean the ONLY way to care is to Pay Constant Attention No Matter What.

and like. yes, we should do all we can to help palestinians, but some people act like because we're not being killed and they are, we owe it to them to take on as much of that trauma as we can by proxy? like since we aren't having to go through the actual thing, any negative affects we go through can never compare and are therefore irrelevant, and we should instead only be thankful it's not happening to us. i've said this before but it feels very much like the old "finish your vegetables, there's kids starving in africa" thing parents would say, where it's like. ok, i get that the sentiment behind what youre expressing here is "you should take care to be thankful for things you take for granted, because there are people out there suffering without this," but theres always an implicit "and if you don't use yours right, you're hurting those people by wasting what they could've used" when that just !! doesn't actually follow after the first part, that is not the conclusion you should draw there!!! i would obviously give my leftover vegetables to someone else sooner than throw them away but until warp technology is cracked i am limited by things like distance and expiration dates and stable temperature zones, and i would obviously give my leftover Not Being Bombed to every palestinian if i could but until The Way Reality Works is cracked i am limited by. yknow. the way reality works. abstract concepts like that just arent transferrable without a LOT more direct involvement than just. looking at some posts or not.

and i think that's the crucial thing that bugs me abt both of these is not just that the conclusions they offer are wrong and manipulative, but that the /premise themselves/ are, and they take something HUGE for granted, which is "the thing i want you to do is Right and will Work, therefore i'm justified in forcing you to do it, regardless of any discomfort this causes as it will still have a net positive impact." eating your vegetables is Good for you, so forcing you to eat more when you don't want them is justified, and your reasons for not wanting them don't matter. palestinians have asked us to keep reading and sharing their posts because it helps them, so shaming people for not wanting to is justified, and their reasons for not wanting to don't matter. nevermind that overeating can be bad for you and children are indeed capable of telling when they're full or of having slightly smaller stomachs than the serving sizes their parents dish up, nevermind that they can have food sensitivities or even just /dislike the flavor of something/ and we don't force adults to finish foods they know they dislike, nevermind that compassion fatigue was already an existing concept long before this, nevermind that this is The Mental Illness Website, nevermind that reblogging a bunch of posts with graphic videos that will keep you up all night and be filtered by half your followers anyways doesn't stop fucking BOMBS. it's all we can do, nevermind that it's largely symbolic, therefore if you're not doing it for ANY reason, you are Bad. so do what i say in order to be Good even if it hurts you. it's just such a manipulative, PATRONIZING way of going about things that it just grates at me every time.

[datenightfright]

I still have them saved, luckily!! Hopefully they're to your taste, sorry it took so long, idk why Tumblr has a problem with my anons 😞

I like the idea that he sometimes just gets those little moments where he just gets 'stuck', for lack of a better word, constantly signing "I love you" over and over again. He really likes being able to express that in a way you understand, so he just keeps signing it over to you again and again, and he gets so giddy when you sign it back!!

Back before Skull Island was destroyed, I'd also think he likes to see you getting along with the Iwi!! They worship him but there's undeniably the fact they're probably afraid of him, so whenever you have a nice interaction with one of the Iwi, especially after it's known how much he likes you, it makes him very happy to see it. After it got destroyed, I think he basically took in Jia as his daughter, so he gets so much happier when he sees you interacting with her.

On a different note, I think he likes reminding you of things sentimentality wise. He often brings you back to where you first met, where you had important moments together, and just likes hanging out in these areas. He'd like to remind you of more domestic, every day things, but alas, he still doesn't really understand much more complicated human objects such as phones. Luckily for him, he's able to use it as an excuse to spend more time with you, yknow, for lessons and all

Stop, this is so cute! I feel like he'd just watch you from the bank opposite the Iwi settlement. Just feeling so soft for you as he watches you chase the children around, laughing and giggling. He wants so badly to give you one of your own, but you know, logistics and what not.

Those nights I feel like he's super soft with you too, just holding you close and nuzzling you. Making sure you feel how much he loves you. Ugh, I love love.

[suugrbunz]

hi girly!!

1. love love your stuff

2. hope you’re doing well fr

3. could i pls request a bob ship?

appearance wise i’m 5’5 with an average build. ngl i’m a little heavy on the top iykwim so my back always hurts fr. LOL anyways i have blue/green eyes and brown hair that has like goldfish highlights in the sun. i’m half asian half white so do with that what you will. i’m pretty pale honestly oh and my hair is long, like almost to my butt long. id like to think i have a nice smile lol and i love making a pouty face, it’s just so fun.

personality wise i’m an ENFP-T so i’m naturally extroverted and outgoing. i make friends wherever i go and i’m a great people person. i can hold conversations with really anyone and people always tell me i’m very mature and good with adults and older people. i’m also a 2w3 so i tend to be a bit of a people pleaser. i naturally am drawn to leadership positions and taking charge but when i do i often over extend myself trying to accommodate everyone and their every need. i am a generally funny person. sometimes i make a joke that goes too far but i love making others laugh. i also am always complimenting people. i can be insecure myself but i love making others feel good.

i can get into a mood very easily tho. i do my best to hide it but i am very busy so i am not always the greatest in the morning and if i spend too much time around certain people i get cranky. i don’t snap nearly as much as i used too but my friends can tell when something’s off. i hate getting in those moods where im sulking but it happens sometimes. usually after some joking around or spending time with other people i snap out of it. what can i say im stubborn.

i love being involved in school. student council, SPIRIT WEEK, choir, clubs— all that jazz. i’m a pretty good student yk like i have a good rep at school and am pretty well known. i am also a theater kid. i know im sorry. i have been singing for a really long time and it’s like my thing.

i love you sing, dance, act, read, write, listen to music, shop, and spend time with people. my love language is for sure quality time but i do love words of affirmation. i often get called an “old soul” because i am very sentimental with old school values and i am drawn to anything 40s-90s. i am a die hard 80s music and movie fan and my friends think it’s funny im so obsessed with the classics (if you couldnt tell i am a history and english nerd, my close friend calls me her “favorite history buff”) but yeah i love spending time with others. me and my dad bond over watching movies together and listening to music and you bet im the life of the party wherever i go. always the first to do or initiate something, jumping onto the dance floor first and being the last too leave — i don’t like missing out so i take all the chances i can.

anyways i hope that’s enough info and i’m sorry if that’s too much or i rambled. honestly id be grateful if you even read up to this point. if you get a chance to write a ship i would really appreciate it but if not i totally understand!! no pressure whatsoever. thank you bestie boo :)💛💛

I've not felt quite that happy in the past week for numerous reasons. I think with time I'll be fine. Dumb memories, yknow? I know what you mean I'm heavy on top as well lmao. I like the way you speak. You seem really exciting. Thanks for the request

here's your ship!! (🚢)

꒰ I ship you with . . . Floyd Talbert ৎ୭ ꒱

A mutual friend decided to hold a party that was themed to a 1950s sock hop. Dancing to 1950s music was an ideal situation for you especially with the fashion you'd dawn. It seems absolutely perfect, right?

In the corner of the dance hall, he kept glancing at your. Sure, he could probably dance with anyone he'd want to but he had formed a soft spot for you. Even if he didn't know you. Something about your energy was so lovely.

He fell from the start, something about you was... Well, he couldn't put his finger on it but he knew you two were meant to have a relationship... Even if he has some red flags (he comes off a bit player-ish but it's ok)

Your first date is shortly after your first meeting; The way you two met was romantic and by the end of the night had been obviously flirting. So, he asked for your number and when it'd be best to call you.

You two ended up planning the date at the local mall; There's an arcade and theatre nearby, plus mall food. So you two can window shop, go play games, or maybe watch a movie. Maybe all of the above. It seems quite wholesome.

Floyd kissed you goodnight, it wasn't on the lips. That'd be too much at a far too quick rate. He kissed your forehead and for a moment you saw him blush. It's been quite clear he isn't shy, but hey, he's got a soft spot for you. And he can't hide blush.

Your second first kiss— aka your real first kiss...

You initiated it. You gave his lips a quick peck at the end of one of your dates. He was awestruck by the feelings that fluttered around his stomach. You were everything he wanted to fall in love with. You're the measure of his dreams.

The song that represents you two is ; I Saw Her Standing There by The Beatles (pretty cute for you two <3)

[endless-ineffabilities]

How do you feel about Aemond x Daemon? I personally love them as a ship and since Ewan's fave character is Daemon if I'm not mistaken my heart sings every time<3 (SPOILER TERRITORY!)

I think their duel will be absolutely heartbreaking and epic at the same time (that is if the writers don't butcher it..) both because I love these characters and because I love their actors! Ewan and Matt have some cute and wholesome bts interactions from what I've seen and it makes me so happy because I've been a Doctor Who fan ever since it came out and I'd watched World on Fire before HotD was even announced. I just. I never expected such an incredible cast to come together for HotD yknow? So I'm very excited but also kinda scared.. but mostly excited! Daemon x Aemond is my OTP you could say (it's been so long since I've used that term I feel old) but a close second is HelAemond (platonic, romantic, familial, all of the loves!!!) So I hope that in the show they make a point to show us that Helaena and Aemond died on the same day, regardless of whether they had romantic feelings for one another.

As for Alys, I'm mostly indifferent toward her but I hope that they treat her and her story well! I look nothing like her (I'd look like Laena or maybe Rhaena maybe if I had white locs lol) so I can't relate to the sentiment of us all being Alys lol but I'm glad you guys can! I'm also excited for Nettles! I like to think she's Daemon's bastard or someone he thinks of as his adopted child maybe (while fully ignoring the claims that they had illicit relations lol)

Is there another character or story arc you're excited about? And I'm sure you've answered sth similar before but I can't remember- would you prefer a more manipulative Alys? I think I would bc homegirl is probably too old to play wit her heart on her sleeve but I'd like to see her and Aemond actually develop genuine feelings for one another! Which actually reminds me of another point (so sorry for this massive ask btw 😭) being what will Borros Baratheon do? Will he allow one of his daughters to marry Aemond? If so, who and would Aemond really keep a mistress in Alys? How ironic that he may or may not have fathered a bastard with Alys when he detests his nephews (even before Luke took his eye) but anyway that's enough of my ramblings 🙅🏿‍♀️ I just got carried away cuz you seem like a really pleasant person and your stories are beautiful haha bye🏃🏿‍♀️

Ps take care of yourself!

Lovely long message there! 🥺 I'll structure my answer in bullet points so I can make sure I cover everything:

Personally, I can't view Aemond and Daemon together, as a ship. Nothing from season one (or the book) has given me reason to view them as one. Aemond is clearly intrigued by Daemon's relentlessness, and if there were anyone he would want to emulate, it may be Daemon? As Ewan said, they both stand to inherit nothing, and who have to carve their own way out in the world. But anything romantic? Nope. 1000% especially not after what Aemond caused. I love them as rivals, cause they're quite similar in fire that their fight would just be frickin amazing.

I'm on the same boat with you about Helaemond. There's just something so beautifully tragic and yet soft at the same time when it comes to those two. I know I'm reaching but if Alys does manipulate Aemond, and it turns out he was in love with Helaena all along? And they die on the same day?? (You're so right, they need to make a point of this in the show) *buckets of tears incoming*

They truly did an amazing job with the cast. I know they don't all look book-accurate but the performances are so good that it's really not a big deal. Plus, it's so nice that you can see yourself in characters like Laena or Rhaena. And about Nettles? (I'm still not in that part of the book, so I don't know about her and Daemon) But then again, if he does cheat on Rhaenyra with her, it's really just the word of an Archmaester or Mushroom or whoever, so it's all up for interpretation. It kinda frustrates me that the book is written that way, cause I just want to know what actually happened, y'know? I want to know the true motivations and thoughts of the characters - not the perspective of a bunch of men 😂 ughhhh

I still don't know what to feel about Aemond and Alys. One thing that does give me the ick is that he was taken advantage of by an older woman when he was a child (13 yrs old!), and this may have distorted his romantic/sexual perceptions. I believe there was something said about Aemond preferring older women, and I hope this did not stem from childhood trauma. If he is actually, purely, interested in Alys, then that's fine. But you're right, she is meant to be 40-ish, while he's 19/20, so that's another issue. (But then again - Daemyra 🙃) But at least, far as we know, Rhae was not taken advantage of by Daemon (she was 18, in ep 4, which is still painfully young) but she seemed to have engaged with him willingly (and Daemon was the one to pull back and stop) But then again, age gaps are treated very lightly in this series - ANYWAY - no matter what, I hope the whole Alys/Aemond thing is portrayed well.

I think that whole Baratheon betrothal is done for. Plus, the poor girl watched Aemond chase a child with a knife 😂 minus points hahaha

I hope I answered everything? It's been so nice to read your insights, and though my closest pals would describe me as more Daemon-like than pleasant, thanks for calling me the latter 😉🖤

[inked-out-trees]

69, 44, and 25 for the writers ask

I need to get back to writing too, but in good news I'm getting a feel of character for one of them. Now if I only had a plot

we're doing it! getting back into writing together! thank you for the reverse directional asks i will do them exactly how you have asked

69. how do you write emotional scenes? do you ever feel what the characters feel?

if i'm coming into it Knowing that i want to write an emotional scene, usually there's music involved! i have a collection of sad and otherwise melancholy playlists (plus one that's just songs i think would fit well in those angsty last 3 minutes of a tv show episode before the cliffhanger) and they tend to serve me well; if all else fails i'll find the most recent mood-fitting song i've been repeating lately and loop it forever. (most recently has been doctor eleven by dan romer. was the only thing i listened to for my crw class submission and personally i think it turned out swell.)

as for feeling the characters, i don't think so? a lot of the time what i feel when i'm writing is just joy from writing, vague evil sentiment, or if it's Really A Lot To Handle, there'll be like, an ache. occasionally i do make myself cry but that's mostly for personal or original things, and less for fanfic. unless it's the annie chapter of bean's beans. but typically i am somewhat detached, which is actually kind of impressive considering my propensity for imprinting on literally everything. huh! i learn something new about myself every day.

44. any writing advice you want to share?

man i never know if there's any sort of sagely things i do that could be passed off as wisdom but. the best piece of advice i've read (on tumblr too i think) was that if you're stuck, it's possible that the problem is actually a couple lines back. usually i look between three paragraphs and half a page up to see what different choices i could make, and that tends to solve my problem more often than not. kind of magic, that.

in other sort of throwaway bits, i always start a fic creation process by opening a doc and just rambling onto it. no proper prose, just as though i'm having a conversation with the empty page. it's helpful both to get my ideas in order and to have a place to come back to if need be - it's easier to toss the ball around if the net's already there, yknow? also, if for some reason microsoft word isn't doing it for me, i find fighter's block to be good for dumping out words, and zenpen has carried me through several terms of creative writing assignments and also poetry so take that as you will.

25. what's your revision or rewriting process like?

would you laugh at me if i said i don't edit my fics. this is not necessarily true in that i don't consider what i post to be rough in any way, but when it comes to fic especially i'm a big first-one-done kind of guy. that being said: i reread my work a lot. a lot a lot. and often times i will pick up little things that need fixing, line edits or weird repetitive things, so i do find it helpful. also the read-aloud function on word has been great to me. and i make frequent use of the comment function in word, which has been exceedingly useful when it comes to the fact that i haven't yet figured out the whole timeline of fixed point so some of the dates are just "FIGURE THIS OUT LATER" and "IS THIS TRUE?".

and of course sharing with other people :) coming from creative writing seminars i've realised (? finally understood? i don't actually know how much of an enlightenment it was but it was something) how useful it is to get someone and just say, hey, tell me how you interpret this, are there any questions you still have, god forbid did i leave any gaping plot holes. this comes in especially handy because in MY brain i know all the answers, and sometimes they forget to worm out onto the page. this again has just happened in my current seminar, so rest in peace to the quest plot i tentatively thought i could maybe go without describing (for wordcount's sake) but apparently not. it is cool and fine.

anyway happy tuesday and also thank you!

[youhavetogotocollege]

dating, etc

dating an artist with genuine talent might be one of the most infuriating things in the world. not because he's entitled or because he's snobby, but because he's better than me. in nearly every sense of the world he is better than me and that fucking sucks. he's smart, talented, funny, artistic, has sort of okay social skills, is reassuring...need i go on. he's currently listening to me write this and butting in every five seconds saying "you're all of those things" and "you really, really are" and "you're fantastic" and everything under the sun that could be related to that sentiment. maybe he's right, but i will never be able to admit that to myself. if i were to, you'd have to torture it out of me. now, dear audience, why am i breaking my three day silence to complain about my relationship, you ask? well, because i can. sorry, that was bitchy. or maybe it wasn't, who really cares at this point? i think my brain actually hates me. my boyfriend just said that he thinks that i'm a genius. who's gonna tell him that i want to stab myself repeatedly in the eyes and ears and mouth and nose (head, shoulders, knees, and toes, if you will) until my brain—and all other related aspects of my anatomy—turns into mush.

"do you really think that dating me is infuriating?" "well, you're better than me so..." "no i'm not." "well i can't draw for shit so yknow." "well i can't write." "well kill yourself."

that last part did not happen, but it would be funny if it did. i think dryly telling people to kill themselves is peak comedy, i guess. anyway. love my boyfriend to death, but i wish that when i looked at the things that i do in comparison to the things that he does, i could say that i have as many accomplishments as him. how many times has this motherfucker had his work published in a (school) newspaper? many more times than me, that's for sure. i guess you could count my "poem" that i wrote in junior year that was later put into a book that was sold on amazon exclusively by my school's 2020 valedictorian published, but i honestly don't know if that counts. it's something, i suppose. i just wish that i could use the power that i have as a microcelebrity in the chicano journalism community's nepotism grandchild to my advantage when it came to writing and putting myself out there, but i honestly don't think the chicano journalism community wants to hear my depressing, disorder, dystopian bullshit. i don't even write about being chicano anymore because i don't even know if i count.

my boyfriend has been silent for some time, dearest audience. i think it's because i've been droning on and on and on about my shitty, boring life. i don't think that me reading my own fucking diary entry out loud is his idea of a good date. honestly, i think it sounds like a nightmare for all parties involved. too bad, so sad, my name is not brad, whatever whatever whatever. i'm going to go back to actually communicating with my boyfriend now, because i'm bored of writing and of thinking and of breathing and i want him to shower me in compliments that i will brush off while hiding my face in my hands because god forbid he knows i appreciate the words that he says to me. haha, that's a joke. i hope you guys don't think that i'm a total cunt to my boyfriend, i'm just autistic and have a personality disorder. maybe that will be the death of me and they can write on my gravestone "rip [redacted], the biggest cunt in southern california's sweaty ass crack". anyway. that's all i have to say now. goodbye, audience of very few.

[staravya]

rly funny that a seemingly common reaction to the beginning of third semester is players seeing akechi walk into leblanc and going "oh thank god a sane person. save me." not in those words but with that sentiment yknow. it's just deeply amusing. he's bonkers but at least he's reliable. the devil you know etc etc

[hausofmamadas]

got me back on my shit again and i'm legit begging(?) you for part 5? like now pls? kthxbyeeee (also gif use, honored)

═

Sorta feels like you’re just a part of it, part of him, part of the day and the routine, you know?

Wowweeee wowow, there is nothing constructive for me to say here except i just love this syntax, it’s giving prose, it’s giving bars, i’m already taking notes

But you’d still like to go out and do things together too, nice things, the way people do when they’re still trying to win each other.

SKSKSKS leave it to Johnny to get to like old-married couple with someone after only a month, like this man is just so over the rigamarole of trying to court someone proper, yknow and like it makes sense given the fact that he’s newly divorced like as someone who’s been through a pseudo-divorce of my own, i can tell you, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain the requisite number of fucks you should probably give when entering into a new relationshipskskskks but also like i see you Johnny and i’m with you and i respect the approach

… or sometimes someplace is everyplace, cause he likes just riding round with you. 

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh????????????????? once again fucking sickening concoction of words and all i can do here is stand and gaze at it, mouth hanging open, drooling like i’m just now witnessing the arrival of our space alien overlords coming to take over planet earth

Likes cutting through the night with you on the back. And you gotta say, those one’s are nice ones, cause it lets you shut everything off, which you figure is the same thing he likes about it. But if you’re really honest, most times, you don’t even get off the front porch.

See now this is another post-divorce approach to dating that i can really fucking get behind skdfjsks

Always with no requests, no offers, just, "You got a minute?" And you say, "yeah, for you I got ten," cause, well, you’re kinda starting to feel like need it. Like you’d sleep funny if you didn’t get to see him, even just for a little while.

LIKE YOUD SLEEP FUNNY IF YOU DIDN’T GET TO SEE HIM EVEN JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE GTFOSOOOOOOSDKFJSLFJKA;LSKD;DFLJSLKDFJSLFKJALKJSDLKFJSK WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, MOVING SENTIMENT THAT’S JUST PLOPPED IN THERE SO CASUALLY???? Liek johnny is hte stuffed teddy bear you need to fall asleep at night, he just absolutely is, i don’t care if he’d kick me in the head for saying it bc he’s just mad that its the truth sksksjd

But you like to hear whatever he’s got to give, boring work stuff or not, cause then it means you’re even, you know? You can go on and on about the office and he’s got to mean it when he says he don’t mind hearing about it, cause you mean it when you say it back to him, right?

I love the like sincerity but also subtle self-interest in here bc i fully do this too of like if someone’s really passionate about something or really into something that i’m not into or have no frame of reference for or just generally don’t really even care about, i will humor someone, like listen to them so attentively, ask follow up questions, make observations, etc., not out of the goodness of my heart, but bc i know there’s absolutely gonna be some shit i’m nerding out about that’s of no consequence to them, they’re entirely uninterested in, have no idea tf i’m even saying and yes, it’s usually physics related SKSKKS but bc i’ve put in the time and effort to entertain whatever dumb thing they were on about that week, i can be on my shit about whatever dumb thing i’m into this week SKSKSKSKSKk 

“You’ve got this thing,” he said one time, “this thing about you that makes me feel like I’ve slept a whole week just from being here.” And you said, “That’s those new coffee beans I got,” pointing to the ‘I heart Chicago’ mug he was cradling. “I’m serious.” But you were too. “No one’s ever thought I’m anything but real tiring,” you said. 

STOOPPPPPPP THIS ENTIRE FUCKING EXCHANGE, I COULD TALK ABOUT FOR 40000 YEARS, I AM POSITIVELY DERANGED WITH ADORATION AND LOVE FOR THIS KSDKFJS like first off “makes me feel like i’ve slept a whole week from being here” is not only one of the sweetest, most heartwearming, romantic, and downright sentimental see i was right in my dannyfic that he a sentimental mf but only to certain ppl things to say but it’s also like such an interesting thing for how it sets up Lips’ response, the like, “No one’s ever thought I’m anything but real tiring,” okayokayokay everyone shut up for a second bc there are very few things that make me feel so seen in a fic, but a character that’s like kind of A Lot, like fast talking, fast moving, fast thinking, always at 10000, constantly buzzing with energy and knows they’re a lot so tries to like lessen the burden of being “Too Much” for other people, GODDFSKJLDKFJS I JUST– it’s just such a thing I’ve felt my whoel life cause this might come as a surprise, like i'm not sure if you could tell by these screamblogs, but I, myself, have been told that I’m an exhausting person to be around on more than one occasion by more than one person and when you’re someone who has that kind of personality, you do try to hold back or make yourself as small as possible so as not to overwhelm or wear down the ppl around you. it abs is a thing and you just captured it so beautifully here, and then the fact that Johnny doesn’t mind it, and finds it to be almost like a recharge just makes me love this man even more than I thought physically/mentally/emotionally possible like ughsdfjkslfja;lIMEAN MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I’VE SLEPT A WHOLE WEEK JUST FROMBEINGHEREREEREEEEEEE;ALKJSD;FAKLJSD;FLKJDSKSJDFKJDKLFJA

… it really seems like he's telling the truth. You’re winning out over coffee and a night in bed, somehow.

Bc a man who finds your passion and zest for life galvanizing and not exhausting is a Grown Fucking Adult

But he comes by so often, it ends up coming out of him in one conversation or another, and before you know, it’s been a while. A real note-worthy type of while. And Johnny Davis has kinda sorta become your Johnny, as much as you’ve become his, in a lazy porch step kind of way. And you feel like you know him almost. Like he’ll stick around, and you will too.

The way i’m reading this all pikachuwu one on hand, and simultaneously on the other hand, I’m chewing my fingernails down to my knuckles bc like just knowing you, there’s gonna be something imminent that’s going to paralyze, nay, pulverize me completelysk to the point that I’ll need to be scraped off the sidewalk like 7 week old gum that’s so old it’s turned that gross, greyish-black color and has a texture and consistency closer to cement than the gum it once was, like this is me rn waiting for the inevitable moment where it all falls apart bc I JUST SKDJFKSJFDFUCKIGN KNOW IT’S GONNA HAPPEN BC WE CAN NEVER HAVE NICE THINGS AND I ALREADY HATE YOU AND BLAME YOU IN ADVANCE EVEN THO LITERALLY NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED YETKSJKDJF 

Mrs Saccone don’t even bother knocking no more, cause his bike’s cutting up the quiet more often than it’s not, and you reckon she got all tired of lifting up the broom like that. Or she got over it, you know, like she realised he ain’t the trouble she thought he was.

I’ve known a couple few mrs saccone’s in my day, guarantee you it’s door #1 bc a woman this bitter and nosy never willingly gives up a grudge cause she’s like reevaluated the snap judgements that she’s made of ppl SKSKSK like this kind of blind prejudice and bitterness is how some ppl live so long SKSKJ its more likely she’s just ancient and tired of shaking her fist at Johnny from her front porch KEKW

These days, you’re on the back of that thing like you know how to drive one yourself.

Idk how many more times i can repeat myself before this just becomes the most monotonous screamblog of all time but i can’t fucking help but point out THESE FUCKING BANGERRRRSSSSSSSS OF LINES YOU’RE OUT HERE DROPPING LEFT AND RIGHT ALSO ASKING AGAIN, FOR A FRIEND, ARE YOU SUUUUURRRE???? YOU’RE NOT AN UNDERCOVER AMERICAN???????? ARE YOU SURE BC NGL I’M BEGINNNING TO DOUBT THE LEGITIMACY OF YOUR ALLEGED BRITISH-NESS 

Before you got the hang of it, he said he was always thinking you might come flying off one day, right up over his shoulder onto the concrete. You told him, you never knew that was a thing that could happen in the first place, but it was too late to be nervous about it by then cause you were already used to it, you know? So he got lucky with that one. Any earlier and you’d’ve said you’re not going no where fuckin near that thing, whether he was romancing you, or not.

PFFFFFFFTSKDFJSKJ not Lips somehow being fully unaware of the dangers of riding a motorcycle despite having now been on the back of one like 4000x which is arguably should be more anxiety inducing bc you’re not in control like have you ever been in the passenger’s seat and the driver is like making unsignaled lane changes and not checking their blind spot, breaking too late for your personal comfort y’know, shit like that. Imagine that but on two wheels instead of four Like my ex had a motorcycle for about 5mins and I rode on the back of that thing once and knew instantaneously the potential of like being full hamburger meat on the asphalt and we didn’t even go on the freakingskdjfksj highway

All the way out of town, and then some, right into the crap that lies in the dirt between home and the next one over.

Once again revoking your brit card, you are officially an honorary american now with this and my sincerest ondolences to you for it but what else am i supposed to do here when you’ve captured this very distinct regional accent so superbly, tell me, what am i to do 

And you know why he’s done it, cause one of the storefronts has a big stack of grocery looking crates sitting outside of it, and everything else that might suggest it’s a place that’s selling bread, but you can tell it’s closed before he even puts the brakes on … And when you go back to Johnny, he seems real sorry about it. Like he could’a known.

PFFSKSJDKFJSKJSKKSKSKSKSJOHNNNYYYYYYY MY LOVE OML MY GOOD MANNNNSKDFJSK, homie needs like a couple cups of coffee or maybe some bennies aka trucker speed bc our babyboi is quite literally asleep at the wheel or might as well be skjskk maybe he and Lips should trade personalities for the day so he’s at least still paying attention whilst operating actual heavy machineryskdjfsk 

There’s this sandwich place by your work, which you like more than any other sandwich place you’ve ever been to, and you never really have any excuse to go there, so in a way this is a blessing, you know. No bread, what a shame. Bologna and extra cheese please.

Idk what it is about this and like as if i could be any more endeared to Lips but apparently I can but there’s something so likable about their response to this bc tbh i think i would’ve been pretty salty about it myself and i like to think of myself as a generally easy-going, flexible person but like if i told you i needed bread and you drive me around for 3hrs going exactly nowhere beforehand so that we miss the store before it closes like could we not have acquired the bread and then taken the aimless 3hr joyride after we got said bread? It’s fine and i feel like it says a lot that their general mindset around when things don’t shake out how they’re expecting or things don’t go their way is to look for the little victories in the thing. it reminded me of the very beginning of pt 1 the whole “But what can you do? It’s in there, or out here, and you’re not in the shoes for walking, never mind running, so it’s not much of a choice at all.” Like it’s making me very 

This forsure the 70th time I’ve used this ^ in the last week

about what they might’ve gone through that might’ve informed that POV. Let’s just say my eyes and ears are open and i am Ready for The Lore

“Did something happen today?” you ask him, cause no matter how he tries to fix his face, it never looks right. Looks like his mind's somewhere three miles behind you in the road still … 

It’s so funny bc i feel like you’ve managed to capture something really interesting and seemingly contradictory about Johnny in the sense that he doesn’t say very much, which can make him a hard person to get to know unless you’re Benny and you understand the terse, cigarette-smoke-laden, caveman-like grumbles of a Chicago man in his 40s bc you, as a Chicago man in his 30s(?), incidentally communicate in the same terse, cigarette-smoke-laden, caveman-like grumbles like when you talk to Johnny, you could be saying a lot and getting nothing at all from him even if he seems to be enjoying the one-sided conversation sksksksk but at the same time, Johnny is not entirely inscrutable. He’s not even as inscrutable as Benny, who’s guardedness and quietude and we’ve talked about this before is not as affected as it is for Johnny. It’s a defense mechanism, sure, but it’s more instinctual and less practiced than Johnny, so to a certain extent, you kinda know what Johnny’s feeling or thinking just by the look on his face without him having to say anything. But bc he’s not always in a sharing mood skjsk you don’t always know the why of the thing. Which seems like two things that shouldn’t work in concert but they do and I think you’ve picked up on that and portrayed it very well here

Which is a long time for anything to be sitting on it, and you saw him two days ago, but he looked fine and said nothin about it then. So he’s either lying, or real good at hiding things, until he can’t hide them no more. 

Yeah, so going off my prior point, it’s very like …. There’s always going to be a “until he can’t hide it no more,” he’s not somebody who I think could hold something in that’s really eatin at him for too long. Doesn’t change the fact that you literally have to dig it out of him like you're fuckinnnskdj deep ocean mining for sea salt SKFJSK 

“Wanna talk about it in a way that’s not really talking about it?” He puffs a big breath out of his nose, then his head goes back and away like you’re bothering him, or something. “Come on,” he says. “No is no, you know how it is.” But sometimes how it is and how it should be aren’t really working out, you know, and today you’re feeling like reminding him of that.

OKAYOKAYOKAYOKAYOKAYNOEVERYONESITDOWNANDSHUTUPBCWENEEDTOTALKABOUTTHISUNTILIMONMYACTUALDEATHBED the “wanna talk about it in a way that’s not really talking about it,” is not only an abs inspired and genius piece of writing but it’s so obvious how well you know.👏🏽 this.👏🏽 man.👏🏽 Bc like that is so the approach you have ot take with someone who’s as emotionally constipated as these club guys aresksksk like get them to do the thing aka talk about their feelings without calling it the thing aka talking about their feelings SKSKKS you gotta couch it in some other euphemistic language so they don’t feel like a feral alley cat backed into a corner fighting for their lives sdkfjsks like it’s almost like you have to conversationally trap them in a net without them realizing it. also livelaughloving the “sometimes how it is and how it should be aren’t really working out” self-advocacy there at the end bc I feel like it’s crazy well-adjusted and you so rarely see that in fanfic. Liek I think a healthy relationship can still be super compelling and have conflict but i feel like the tendency is to lean to more drama, which is fine but it’s just a nice change of pace, somethin you don’t really see

“You know you don’t always have to keep me in one hand, and club stuff in the other,” you say. Which is what this is really all about, if he felt like saying so. “I can mix with anythin and anyone, Johnny.”

The fact that Lips can already read him like a book sksksjdkj is sending me. Like it’s very satisfying, the interpersonal competency, and it’s also very like “okay, johnny, can we do better so they’re not always to the emotional labor” fuckin’ men SKSKSKSK

His face pinches a little like he might’ve stood on something sharp. “You don’t even know what you’re asking for.” “Oh, like you and Brucie are running some big scary gang or something. Come on, Johnny.”

UGHGHGHGHSDLFJHK;ALSKJDF;AKJSD;JTHE WAY I CLUTCHED MY CHEST JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW THE MOVIE ENDS like that shot of The Kid and his two cronies gunning down those three guys and they just like drop in a line flashed through my head reading this which both brilliant and rude asf of you

“It’s not…it’s just things you got no interest in, you know. Stuff you don’t wanna waste your time on.” “How’d you reach that conclusion?” His chin flicks up. “Well, look at you." “What? I need to buy a leather jacket first?” When he laughs, you can tell that he wishes he didn’t, but he can’t help it as much as you can’t stop your mouth from saying the things it does sometimes.

NOOSKDFJSKSKJIMCACCCCKLING bc you know for a fucking fact Lips is gonna be rocking on of those B&W embroidered club shirts the ones everyone wore to brucie’s funeral in no time

Cause you and her got a real sweet understanding lately, one that means you don’t ask her why, just as long as she don’t make you feel bad for not wanting to do what she wants anymore. Best sort of deal you two have ever come up with.

GODSLDKFJSLDFJA;LKSJDF;OKAYAYYYYYYYYHEREEEEWE GO bc this goes back to my earlier point of the thing with them being so flexible and like not even just willing to look at the positive, cause it’s not like delusionally putting a positive spin bc you can’t look at the negative, but more like trying to find the little win to get thru the tough thing or inconvenience they need to get thru and I feel like i just ripped open my 7th willy wonka chocolate bar and found the goldeennnnnn ticket bc even if we don’t get a ton more detail on Lips’ personal life, it’s a little peek behind the curtain of like how did this individual come to be the way they are which is aces character development yessuh🙂‍↕️

“I’m thinkin, you’re gonna take a look at one of those guys and realise you picked the wrong one,” he says. “Ugliest one you could’ve,” he says.

JOHNNYYYYYYYYSDFKLSJ;LANOOOOOAOSDJIF;ALKSJDSDFJKSJDKKSKSKSKSKKSSKSKSKJKOHI AM LARRRRRRRRRFFFFING SO MUCH BC MY DUDE, HAVE YOU AFIXÉD YOUR EYEBALLS UPON THY UNNOBLE ZIPCO, FUNNY SONNY, I MEANSKJFSKJD HALF THESE GUYS LOOK LIKET THEY GOT FREAKIN SCURVY SDFKJSKD HALF THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE THEIR ONE CAVITY AWAY FROM LOSING ALL THEIR TEETHSKDFJSKDJ HALF THESE GUYS LOOK LIKE THEY PROBABLY STINK SO MUCH OF STALE BEER AND CIGARETTES, IF YOU EXTRACTED THE ODOR FROM THE AIR, YOU COULD SELLIT AS THE NEXT FLAVOR OF FEBREEZE N CALL IT “CHICAGO'S RAWEST OF DOGS” LIKE I KNOW ITS A JOKE to deflect from the obvious fear of Lips meeting his malewife BUT GODSLKDJFS THIS SHIT SENT ME IN A NEW WAY

Which is a load of hot, steaming horse crap. So you laugh, and he’s looking at you that way he does when he gets you to throw your head back like that.

Not this bein the most insane and visionary example of “show don’t tell” that i can think of in recent memory and i may or not be having a full-fledged bonafide conniption, beset by both rage and raptures at the fact that i didn’t come up with it myself wyou don't even know how much ihateyou

“Johnny,” you say. “Benny,” he says back. “That’s what it is,” he says, “I don’t want you meeting him.” Suddenly this guy's a real comic, who knew? You prod a finger into the meat of his shoulder, scoffing at him. “I took you for a lot of things, Johnny, but I never took you for a man who’s gonna worry about losing out to someone like that. Benny or no Benny.”

GOOOOOOOORRORRRLRLRSKDJFLSKJDFLET ME DO TEEEEELLLLLL YOU THE WAY I SAT FORWARD AND NEARLY THREW MY PHONE LIKE A HOT POTATO THE SECOND HE DROPPED THAT “Benny” BC I WAS NOT EXPECTING HIM TO FOLD THAT FAST SKDFJSKDFJ but also i like that he did bc i think it’s a testament to how much emotional and psychological safety he feels with Lips like I feel like that’s kinda a huge deal that he told them 

At that, he kisses you in a way that feels like a reward, though you can’t figure out which one of you’s is winning. 

I can’t even– no dude, im’ like actually tired of how many times you’ve dropped these inspired little one-liners to the point i’ve like rolled out my sleeping bag, put my little night cap on, turned off the light, and am now honk-shoo-mimimimimi-snoring so much that it’s making the little ball on my cap float upanddown upanddown like so

not me being unable to find a satisfactory gif to illustrate the aforementioned honk-shoo-mimimimi so just going with spongebob bc it always somehow applies

“Even if it’s the ugliest thing in the world,” you say. “M’tired of only getting half of you.”

Please see prior entry into the hall of grievances accolades bc write more of the same shit i’ve been saying this whole time, i cannotttttt i tell you

On the way home, he’s even telling you which ones of them you’ll like, which ones you’ll not like so much, and which ones you don’t need to bother getting to know at all—and you figure that means they’re a real extreme version of one of those other two categories, so you listen real close to that part.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHYYYYYY IS THIS THE MOST FUCKSIGNSLKDFJA;LKSDJF;LASKJDF ADORABLE, PRECIOUS, SWEETBBANGEL THING OF ALL TIME TO ME like he’s basically doing what we all do on this hellsite with each other where we just chisme about our fav characters from movies and tv shows and if someone hasn’t seen a movie or show, you kinda prep them like “oh you’re gonna LOVE [insert plot point, character arc here] but this other [insert plot point, character arc here] is gonna drive you fuckin bonkers." Like he’s essentially filling them in on his fav show that they’re about towatch for the first time SKSKS 

Johnny’s gotta be there for all of it, of course—and you’ve just fixed yourself to the back of him like one of those old reliable saddlebags of his—so you gotta be there too. And, well, you’re really sort of excited about it.

OHHYOUUUU– NOT THE SADDLEBAGS METAPHOR IMEANNNNSKDJLFAKAGOOOOOOOFUCKYOURSELFYOUBEAUTIFULHORRIFYINGOFFENSIVEINSULTINGGENIUS I feel like the best way to convey and illustrate the depth of both my adoration and horror at this masterpiece of a fic you’re on is just to leave this here, bc this is my face rn, coming at you live, in real time

white room - pt.4

johnny davis x gn!reader, 18+, canon typical themes and language, 3.9k words, 4 of ? ao3 link | previous part a/n: thankyou for all the comments so far, it's really keeping this whole thing alive <3 <3 (gif credit to @hausofmamadas ! )

After that, the dates don’t feel like dates no more. Sorta feels like you’re just a part of it, part of him, part of the day and the routine, you know? Which you like as much as you don’t, cause seeing him so much is real nice—and it’s nearly every day sometimes. But you’d still like to go out and do things together too, nice things, the way people do when they’re still trying to win each other. 

How it’s working now, is Johnny’ll show up some time—meaning after work, or after dinner, or after it’s gone dark and you shouldn’t be accepting visitors at all, but you do, cause it’s only him, you know—without the least bit of warning, and he’ll ask if you wanna go someplace. And someplace is either that bar you and him have sorta made into your bar, from that one night that time, or sometimes someplace is everyplace, cause he likes just riding round with you. Likes cutting through the night with you on the back. And you gotta say, those one’s are nice ones, cause it lets you shut everything off, which you figure is the same thing he likes about it.  

But if you’re really honest, most times, you don’t even get off the front porch.

He comes over just to sit right there with you, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Like he pays part of the upkeep or something. Some days it’s like maybe a few minutes, other days, it’s closer to a couple hours. Always with no requests, no offers, just, "You got a minute?" And you say, "yeah, for you I got ten," cause, well, you’re kinda starting to feel like need it. Like you’d sleep funny if you didn’t get to see him, even just for a little while. 

What you think it is, cause it happens so often, and real routine, you know, every Tuesday and Thursday and Sunday, you’re thinking he’s stopping by before going to one of them club meetings. Comes over just to see you, cause he knows he’s got no time for nothin else, so it’ll have to do. And believe it or not, sometimes he’s even got a couple of guys with him, but they carry on while he’s parking up, not waving bye to him or nothin, so it makes no difference really. 

Then Johnny gets off, and takes a coffee when you offer it to him, and sits on the step when you got a perfectly good bench on the porch, and you sit right there next to him. Just talking and stuff. Saying lots without really saying much; small talk that’s a little sweet and a little boring, too. How’s your day, you know, what you been up to.

Funny enough, more often than not, his days are just as boring as yours are. Just bikes and trucks and roads with nothing much else on them. Occasionally, he’ll have a little sort of gossip on someone, like Corky pissing Wahoo off about something, but by the time you see him next, they’ve already gone right back to being best buddies, and Johnny’s got nothin more to say about it. 

But you like to hear whatever he’s got to give, boring work stuff or not, cause then it means you’re even, you know? You can go on and on about the office and he’s got to mean it when he says he don’t mind hearing about it, cause you mean it when you say it back to him, right?

When he’s done talking, he sets the empty mug down and says, see ya, Lips, and then sometimes he kisses you, and sometimes he don’t, and you watch him ride off like he’s already got you down with a mortgage and a ring and everything else that would have a person waving him off like that. You don’t mind so much. About the kisses, or the little talks you guys have. It’s just like stopping for gas, you figure. He’s only there to fill himself up before he goes back into that wolf den, and if it’s you he’s filling up on, well, that’s more of a compliment than anything else he’s ever said to you. 

“You’ve got this thing,” he said one time, “this thing about you that makes me feel like I’ve slept a whole week just from being here.”

And you said, “That’s those new coffee beans I got,” pointing to the ‘I heart Chicago’ mug he was cradling. 

“I’m serious.”

But you were too. “No one’s ever thought I’m anything but real tiring,” you said.

“They tell you that?”

“In some way or another.”

“Well, they’re wrong, alright? S’not like that for me.”

Feels crazy to say so, but from the look of him when he arrives, and the look of him when he gets back on that bike to leave again, then sure, it really seems like he's telling the truth. You’re winning out over coffee and a night in bed, somehow.

Before you can even notice it, a whole month goes by, and it’s all cause of Johnny.

His little porch-side pit stops make one day go flying on into the next, and the next, and so on, and stuff. Then all of a sudden, you’re telling him about the signet ring that was your Pop's—so that’s why you wear it on your thumb like that—and telling him about the year you worked in Minnesota—cause that's where your grandparents lived—and you sort of do kinda tell him about Mom, but not really. Cause that would tire him out, no matter how flattering he’s trying to be. 

Somewhere in that month he starts saying things about his kids, and Betty too, that you never really thought he’d ever say to you—cause why would he, you know? There's somethings even you wouldn’t ask about. But he comes by so often, it ends up coming out of him in one conversation or another, and before you know, it’s been a while. A real note-worthy type of while. And Johnny Davis has kinda sorta become your Johnny, as much as you’ve become his, in a lazy porch step kind of way. And you feel like you know him almost. Like he’ll stick around, and you will too.

There he comes again now, see, turning down your street right as you put the coffee pot on. You don’t drink it after work, or ever really, but he does. For the meetings, like you said. So it works better to have it ready for him. Mrs Saccone don’t even bother knocking no more, cause his bike’s cutting up the quiet more often than it’s not, and you reckon she got all tired of lifting up the broom like that. Or she got over it, you know, like she realised he ain’t the trouble she thought he was.

Johnny says it’s cause he saw her once and said hello, all polite and charming, so now she likes him. Yeah. Sure, you said, couldn’t be that she’s eighty something, you know, and can only bang a broom on a wall so much. Plus, she don’t like anyone that ain’t related to her, but, eh, if Johnny wants to think he’s wooed her then it’s whatever. Both of them are fine about it, or at least not causing some sort of neighbourhood war for you, so who cares?

“Hey Johnny.” 

You’re already out waiting for him by the time he’s outside, cause you hear the engine long before you can see him, and he pulls up over the driveway that never gets any use no more. He don’t shut the bike off like he usually does, though. Just sits there with it running under him, feet flat either side of it. 

He nods at you greeting him, then says, “Wanna go for a ride?”

So it’s one of those days. A Wednesday, you remember. 

“Where to?”

He shrugs, and he looks real tired today, now that you’re looking at him proper. His eyebrows all low and lazy over his eyes. “Nowhere,” he says.

Well, that’s good enough for you. “Alright,” you tell him, “as long as nowhere leads somewhere that sells some bread. I’m all out.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Gimme a sec.”

These days, you’re on the back of that thing like you know how to drive one yourself. So quick and professional about it, Johnny don’t even have to help you up no more. Just trusts that you can climb on and off all by yourself, and that you know when to lean and squeeze your knees, and all that other riding stuff too. Which you figure must be nice for him now, cause it means he don’t gotta worry about anything other than the road. 

Before you got the hang of it, he said he was always thinking you might come flying off one day, right up over his shoulder onto the concrete. You told him, you never knew that was a thing that could happen in the first place, but it was too late to be nervous about it by then cause you were already used to it, you know? So he got lucky with that one. Any earlier and you’d’ve said you’re not going no where fuckin near that thing, whether he was romancing you, or not. 

Tonight, you’re going for miles before Johnny shows any real sign of stopping. All the way out of town, and then some, right into the crap that lies in the dirt between home and the next one over. When he does, the sun’s only barely clinging on over the top of the horizon, which must be why he’s picking now to pull over someplace, cause if he waits too long it’ll be dark, and cold. Though, you never notice the cold when you’re out riding no more, not like you did that first time, cause when you’re wrapped right up in the warm of him that’s all you can focus on. But he’s forgotten his gloves today, and his hands will sure complain about that once the sun's gone. 

He’s picked some little row of storefronts that you’ve never seen before, rolling into the lot with his bike in neutral. Not firing or purring or anything, just cruising in, real slow, with one hand on the bars and the other on his thigh. 

And you know why he’s done it, cause one of the storefronts has a big stack of grocery looking crates sitting outside of it, and everything else that might suggest it’s a place that’s selling bread, but you can tell it’s closed before he even puts the brakes on. Lights off, blinds down. You get off and have a look through the window just in case, like the guy might be in there behind the counter still, but nope. It’s as empty as it looks.

And when you go back to Johnny, he seems real sorry about it. Like he could’a known.

He’s got his bike parked up and quiet now. Got it standing slanted on that little stand that don’t look like it can really hold the weight of the thing, let alone that and Johnny, who’s leaning against the lean of it, too. Two big hunks of stuff on one little arm. 

“Guess I’m not taking lunch tomorrow,” you tell him. Which you regret as soon as you do, cause then he looks like he feels even worse about it, wincing a little, and you were only saying something just to say it.

“I might have some at my place,” he says, more like an apology than a real offer of anything. “I guess we could stop by on the way back.”

You wave him off. “Don’t worry about it.” 

There’s this sandwich place by your work, which you like more than any other sandwich place you’ve ever been to, and you never really have any excuse to go there, so in a way this is a blessing, you know. No bread, what a shame. Bologna and extra cheese please. 

“We gotta think of some other place to go now,” you say, messing with the loose thread in your jacket pockets, while Johnny messes with the cigarette he’s not bothering to light yet. 

Probably planned on smoking it while you were in there shopping. Now he’s just tapping the end of it on his thigh, then flicking it round, and tapping with that end too. Which is a little more fidgety than he usually is, now that you’re thinking about it. 

“Did something happen today?” you ask him, cause no matter how he tries to fix his face, it never looks right. Looks like his mind's somewhere three miles behind you in the road still, and with the tapping, and the tiredness. Yeah, you don’t need to be one of those brain doctor guys to work it out. You don’t even need to know him the way you do. Any Joe could look at him and think something was up, some way or another. 

“Something like what?” he says.

You wait some more. You’re not feeling like knocking around the bush about it.

“S’okay,” he goes on. “Just somethin’, some trouble the other day. Last week. Still sitting on my mind a little, is all.”

Which is a long time for anything to be sitting on it, and you saw him two days ago, but he looked fine and said nothin about it then. So he’s either lying, or real good at hiding things, until he can’t hide them no more. “Wanna talk about it?” you ask.

He shakes his head.

“Wanna talk about it in a way that’s not really talking about it?”

He puffs a big breath out of his nose, then his head goes back and away like you’re bothering him, or something. “Come on,” he says. “No is no, you know how it is.”

But sometimes how it is and how it should be aren’t really working out, you know, and today you’re feeling like reminding him of that.

You move forward until you’re standing right in front of him, and cause he’s sitting and leaning the way he is, that means he’s looking up at you now. And with his legs crossed at the ankles the way they are, they’re going straight between your knees like some big lazy bean pole. Which you figure puts him right where you want him.

“You know you don’t always have to keep me in one hand, and club stuff in the other,” you say. Which is what this is really all about, if he felt like saying so. “I can mix with anythin and anyone, Johnny.”

“I know that.” He rubs a palm down over his face, then shrugs and says, “But I don’t want you mixing with it.”

“Why not?”

“Cause it’s not—you don’t need all that.”

“I think I do.” Cause he is all of that, not just cause he’s club president, but because he’s Johnny, and the club, the guys, it’s all a part of him—and yeah, sure, you’re really starting to need him, alright, which means needing all of that, too. “I can handle it.”

His face pinches a little like he might’ve stood on something sharp. “You don’t even know what you’re asking for.”

“Oh, like you and Brucie are running some big scary gang or something. Come on, Johnny.”

You’ve not met Brucie yet, not properly, but from what Johnny says, he’s as normal as anyone. An electrician that helps him count dues and wire up telephones. Johnny’s right hand and best friend, it’s cute, yeah, and no different from anyone else they run about with. Whatever he’s painting to try and scare you off, you’re not buying it. You might’ve in that pizza place that one time, but now? 

He sighs, looking even more tired than he was when you started pecking at him. “It’s not…it’s just things you got no interest in, you know. Stuff you don’t wanna waste your time on.”

“How’d you reach that conclusion?”

His chin flicks up. “Well, look at you."

And you do, you look down your front and your jeans and the boots you never wore until you started riding with him. “What? I need to buy a leather jacket first?”

When he laughs, you can tell that he wishes he didn’t, but he can’t help it as much as you can’t stop your mouth from saying the things it does sometimes. 

“You know, my mom’s on some crazy pilgrimage right now,” you say. 

Then Johnny does what anyone would do and says, “What?” like you started speaking a different language mid-sentence.

“Yeah, said she was going to San Francisco for a little while, to see some guy and learn some yoga, or something. But now she’s in Europe, trying to be one of them, I don’t know, sort of spiritual guide people, and going place to place looking for something she can’t even explain to me.” You clear your throat from the little frog in it. “Which isn’t the point,” you say.

His head shakes like he’s lost. “What is the point?” he asks, impatient in a kinda charming, sort of irritating way. 

“The point is, she’s a funny sort of person, and before she was doing all that, when I was a kid, you know, she was always moving us about and stuff. Always dragging me along with her when I was too small to be doing things like that.” You fold your arms and Johnny don’t say nothin, so you carry on a little. “We were going all over the country, near enough, and staying with all sorts of people that I never saw more than once.”

He frowns. “What for?”

“You’d have to ask her that yourself.” Cause you and her got a real sweet understanding lately, one that means you don’t ask her why, just as long as she don’t make you feel bad for not wanting to do what she wants anymore. Best sort of deal you two have ever come up with. “All I’m saying is, I saw some real weird shit before I even learned how to read eight letter words. And I bet you not one thing about that club of yours would surprise me. Or scare me, or whatever it is.”

He nods slow like he’s thinking about it. Which you figure is him being nice, cause he’s probably only nodding to buy him time to work out what to say when a person says something like that, admitting something personal that no-one likes hinting at, you know. Like Moms not being very good moms when they ought to have been. Like kids not getting to be kids, and stuff.

“See, I’m not worried about that part,” he says. 

Well. That sweeps you right off your feet almost, cause you figured that was his whole deal. “You’re not?”

One of his hand wanders up your leg til it’s sitting on your hip, with his thumb through the belt loop there. “I’m thinkin, you’re gonna take a look at one of those guys and realise you picked the wrong one,” he says. “Ugliest one you could’ve,” he says.

Which is a load of hot, steaming horse crap. So you laugh, and he’s looking at you that way he does when he gets you to throw your head back like that.

“Don’t do that when I’m being serious,” you tell him, trying to stop yourself from smiling, but not really stopping at all. 

“Who’s not being serious?”

“What is it really?”

“Just what I said,” he insists. But he’s smirking in his eyes so you know that he’s lying.

“Johnny,” you say.

“Benny,” he says back.

You stop. “What?”

“That’s what it is,” he says, “I don’t want you meeting him.”

Suddenly this guy's a real comic, who knew? You prod a finger into the meat of his shoulder, scoffing at him. “I took you for a lot of things, Johnny, but I never took you for a man who’s gonna worry about losing out to someone like that. Benny or no Benny.”

That hand on your hip squeezes you a little, and pulls you in closer than you already are. “Yeah?” he says, smiling cause you’re feeding his ego now, and you don’t mind one bit about doing it.

“None of those guys are even my sort,” you tell him. “Wouldn’t pay them no mind, even if you never existed.”

At that, he kisses you in a way that feels like a reward, though you can’t figure out which one of you’s is winning. It’s all short and sweet and soft against those lips of his, and just when you're thinking like he might take it somewhere further, cause his hand’s sliding round to the back of you, he pulls away and looks right into your eyes. And you’re so close together, you’re sorta going cross-eyed to look back at him. 

“You really wanna get involved?” he asks.

“Yeah, I really do.” 

“Even if it’s not pretty, or whatever?”

“Even if it’s the ugliest thing in the world,” you say. “M’tired of only getting half of you.” 

He nods, and it’s so slight you wouldn’t have even noticed if his chin didn’t budge against yours, stubble scratchy and forgiven for it. “Alright, then.” 

You lean back to put some air and sense between the two of you. “Really?

“If it’s what you want,” he says, like it was always that easy.

Yeah, it’s what you want, you tell him, in a sort of a way. In a kind that has that little bike stand screaming for help kinda way. Kissing him so much, he don’t know whether to push you back, or lie down on that seat and let it all happen. 

And then that’s that, you guess, flood gates lifted. You get to know about club stuff, as long as Johnny don’t mind you knowing, and he don’t seem so reluctant to have them meeting you no more. On the way home, he’s even telling you which ones of them you’ll like, which ones you’ll not like so much, and which ones you don’t need to bother getting to know at all—and you figure that means they’re a real extreme version of one of those other two categories, so you listen real close to that part. 

You don’t ever find out what was getting him looking tired that way, not really, but he does say they’re opening a new chapter now, after some debating about it. Which sounds like something that’d be a real headache to sort out, so you figure that must’a been it. 

It’s also how you find yourself invited to one of those picnics of theirs, whatever that means. The first one where this chapter and Milwaukee’s chapter are all getting together, a real big one, apparently. So naturally you says you wanna go and Johnny says alright. Alright, you know. 

Pick you up early next Saturday, he says, cause apparently you gotta ride for a while, and these things go from when the first bike arrives til the last one leaves again. Johnny’s gotta be there for all of it, of course—and you’ve just fixed yourself to the back of him like one of those old reliable saddlebags of his—so you gotta be there too. And, well, you’re really sort of excited about it.

~~~~~~~~~~

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