#yet here i am with twelve word documents of different story ideas

[tommylovingho]

writing fanfic is hard :(

[oriley42]

Get to know your (much beloved) fic writer!

# 4, 11, 16, 55?

(Obligatory your hilson breathes life into me every single day and I have reread them all a million times except for the ones I haven’t read yet bc I’m saving them so I don’t run out! 🥰🥰🥰 thank you for writing!!)

aww thank youuu and thank you extra for the ask!!

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Re-watching canon always inspires show-specific stuff! And engaging with different media more broadly cross-pollinates in a cool way, like my yearly watch of Groundhog Day inspired TGIF, and seeing a random wedding-themed romance novel on the library shelves made me think "maybe this wedding planner plot bunny could be a whole story!"

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

(wording is ambiguous so I'm listing three of my own, because I barely read any fic when I'm in writing mode ahhh sorry 🙈)

TGIF - I am still so proud of this world. maybe I'm the one trapped in the time loop...

Adventures in Polyamory - I have 30k of the sequel written god Amber I am thinking about you all the timeeee

A Study in Lavender - I am also trying to finish the sequel to my Jooster fic feat. lesbian OCs before the summer's over wish me luck!!!

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

Oh, so many! *Counts documents in House MD folder* oh kay oh jeez there are fully twelve story ideas that are developed enough that I'll probably write them at some point 😵‍💫 Let's see, which one have I maybe not teased before... aha! Femslash Hilson AU. I love this framework so much more than old school "genderswap" which has always, for me, come with icky binary straight transphobic connotations (though of course that is not necessarily the case and people have written cool trans stuff under this label!)

Here's a quick teaser from the sapphic New Orleans opening meet-up:

“As you will soon learn, if you aren’t bright enough to have picked up on it already…” House slung an arm around Wilson’s narrow shoulders, “I’m not like most people. Give me the gruesome deets. But no tears, please, I’m squeamish.”

“You’re a total bitch,” Wilson marveled.

“Now, you’re getting it.”

Wilson put her arm suddenly—bravely—around House’s waist. “Buy me a drink. I’ll tell you the whole tragic story, and only cry if you get on my nerves.”

55. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers' reactions to certain ones?

Super basic, but it's House! He wears his weirdness on his sleeve to hide the different, more painful weirdness inside. It's a like a delicious Ferrero Rocher of psychoses <3 The way he processes and interacts with the world continues to fascinate, and on a personal/political level, I just adore getting to write a character with chronic pain like me.

Wilson is also fascinating, but I think I like to write him from an outside perspective/House's perspective best. Seeing juuuust enough through his mask of normalcy to know he's Not Alright, but still maintaining a sense of inner mystery. I've had a lot of very kind feedback on how I write Wilson, which encourages me to keep writing him even weirder and more unwell, which is delightful 💖

[lebrookestore]

summer of seven years; j.jh

Pairing: Jung Jaehyun x female reader

side— yuta x oc!zhong ailiseu

Themes: summer! au but not really, summer fling, brothers best friend, heavy angst, fluff, attempts at comedy, food (pizza for this teaser), slowburn, this fic takes place over a significant amount of time, learning to love, writer! jaehyun, celebrity! jaehyun but its not really elaborated on

Warnings: mentions of a broken heart, swearing, protective parents, the reader is a procrastinator, food, a makeout scene that is suggestive and leads to more but absolutely no sexual content, betrayal, rejection, some unrequieted love

Wc: 30k

Summary: Coming back home was hard for both you and Jaehyun, but when you realize both of you are back in the same place again, feelings from three years ago rise to the surface, and you start to realize that the things you thought you knew when you were younger never quite played out.

Taglist: @danishmiilk  @radiorenjun @channoticedmeuwu @chicksung @jenosslut @kisshim @mrkcore @intokook @kkakkdugi @sungchanscult @0429a​ @sakurasangcl @rouiyan @kiri-ah @kariskwn @imdamnconfused​ @armysantiny​ @subhyuck​ @aprilpari​ @hannie-dul-set​  @jenoly-simp​ @hyuckefi​ @floraljae​ @dreamycomets​ @ppangjae​ @smoll-tangerine​ @sehunniepot​ @lesdevoeux

Authors note: i did it, i actually did it goodness gracious i honestly thought this fic would never end! i cut out a few unnecessary scenes, but all in all i am proud of it. This fic is for @kokonomi​ summer event!! and it is entirely based off taylor swift albums, specifically evermore and folklore!! it was a lot of fun writing it, and i hope you enjoy it! feedback will be greatly appreciated!!

prologue— the one

Jaehyun walked out of the airport, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding it. It was about six in the morning, the sun was just barely coming up in the sky, painting it with oranges and blues. The sunrises were something he never really missed about the place, considering he was almost always asleep at this hour.

He hadn’t caught a wink of sleep the previous night, with his flight and all (not to mention the guy sitting by him. Snored a bunch, thank god for that window seat.) and now he doubted he would for the next twelve hours. 

It was ironic how the world had led him back to the place he had started at, his hometown. He had never particularly liked it there, which was why he left in the first place. He had been ready to find something new, something different. 

And he had been happy outside, he had done well, thrived even. The new environment was exactly what he needed after sending twenty-one years in one place. As soon as he had graduated, he had left, promising his parents he’d be fine.

He was Jung Jaehyun, the author that left his readers swooning over his characters (and sometimes himself). The author portrayed love differently every time which each book, giving every character a reason. Sometimes it was bittersweet, sometimes amazing, sometimes unfair.

Jung Jaehyun, who wrote love stories and didn’t know a single thing about it. 

Inspiration was a funny thing, it hit you at the most random of times. Being in the city after living for so long here, it was like he couldn’t help but pour his ideas onto a document. Inspiration fuelled imagination and his books were exactly that: figments of his imagination. He spun tales from his thoughts alone, fabricating them from his ideas.

Or in other words, it was absolute bullshit.

But people ate it up and so he must have been doing something right. He supposed that most loved sappy endings, and combined with the message of love persevering, it all worked out in his favour.

It was...odd being back home. He didn’t really feel the nostalgia yet, since the airport was a little further away from town. Might as well have been in a place he didn’t know much about.

Dragging his suitcase behind him, he walked along the footpath, waiting for his cab to arrive. Six-thirty now, still obscenely early for his taste. One of the things he boasted about was since he worked for himself, he could get up whenever he wanted, and work whenever he pleased. The problem was when he wasn’t working when he had no ideas to put out on paper. Those were the times he had to abide by the rules.

The sun was a little higher in the sky now, the normal glow he was used to coming back. The cab stopped by where he was standing and he got in, telling the driver his destinations. He had had to read it off his phone, after a year being away, he had forgotten a lot of things. Was his childhood home on the right side of the street- or was it the left?

Had he even ever lived in this place? It was so tame, so calm. Perhaps it was because it was a little too early, but in the city, the streets would have already been jam-packed at this hour. 

A lot could change in a year, he realized, sighing and closing his eyes. A year ago at this time, he would have been sitting in his apartment, typing away on his laptop as the words poured out of him. It used to be so easy, the way he could write book after book and not get burnt out. The way he could work and write as if the ideas never gave him a moment of peace.

Where had that gone? Maybe that’s why he had come back to where it had all started, to find it again.

“Come home, sweetheart, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you,” his mother said over the phone when he told her about his writer’s block. God, he hated that word, because it felt like someone had put a wall in between him and his work. 

You see, for all his twenty-two years, people had put him on a pedestal. He was Jaehyun, the boy with the looks that put others to shame, the guy who was on the soccer team in high school, the one who got a scholarship for college. He had always been forced into things and had to come out of it being the best ever single time.

Writing was the one thing that was his, the one thing he could control and work with without anyone judging him. Sure, people loved his work anyways, but it was the fact that it was his own talent, not something he had been thrown into.

But that came with its obstacles as well. Being such a young person in the writing scene was tough, some thought he was a one-shot wonder even three novels into his career. All of them even had the best-selling sticker on them dammit.

Still, it was real, even if there were people judging him. For the first time, they wanted him to fail, which only made him want to do better.

However, now as he sat on the leather seats of some dingy cab, he didn’t really feel as if he had made it. It was embarrassing, the way he was crawling back home when he wanted nothing to do with it.

“Sir?” He glanced at the driver, who cocked his head to the side at a familiar-looking house. “We’re here, sir.”

“Thanks.” He paid the man and got out of the car, pulling his luggage out and standing on the sidewalk. The cab drove off, leaving him alone as he took it in, before walking up to the porch of the house and knocked.

Jung Jaehyun was finally home.

chapter one: the cute pizza guy

If there was one thing living with your parents almost all your life taught you, it was how to sneak food around quickly.

They were, what one would call health freaks, which meant your diet growing up was extremely controlled. Burgers? Once every three months, candy was only seen during Halloween and Christmas, and chips might as well have been a myth.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. You got chips once a month.

In short, they were the protective type, in all areas. Up until you were fifteen, you couldn’t go anywhere unless one of them was with you or your brother tagged along. This was how you learned how to sneak out, but that’s a story for another time.

As of right now, however, you padded across the floors, gripping a pizza box tightly as you approached the stairs of your house. Your parents and brother were in the living room, and you had been unpacking, but got hungry in the middle of doing so and you weren’t exactly in the mood for a salad.

Finally having graduated, you came back home for a few months to figure out what exactly you wanted to do with your life. You had missed it here, after three years of being away, and were thrilled at the prospect of being back. 

Minus the whole sneaking around.

You kicked open your door as gently as you could, walking in and setting the box down on the floor, before getting down as well, sitting criss-cross as you looked at your open suitcase in disdain. Eh, that could wait, you had a lovely Margherita pizza that deserved your attention instead. 

So you ignored the mess on your bed and floor, opening the box up and taking a slice, before realizing you hadn’t locked your door. It would be a little hard to explain why and how you had the slice with you, so you placed it back down and tip-toed to the door, clicking it shut.

It would’ve been a shame to have gotten caught when you had gone through the trouble of getting the cute delivery guy to come to the back door and make a fool of yourself in the process, only to get it taken away.

Dammit, he really was cute.

Placing your feet where there wasn’t any mess, you carefully navigated back to your original spot, next to the window. You stood there, hands on your hips as you sighed, looking around. 

Your childhood bedroom was pretty small, with a closet on the far end, a desk next to the window, and your bed near the wall. The window had curtains that were hot pink because you were an eccentric nine year old who loved colour.

And it was currently a mess, with your clothes strewn about and other items you had brought back. You had never really been a pretty unpacker, but it didn’t really matter as long as things went back in their places in the end. 

The problem was that your room had been like this for the past week you had been here. If there was another thing that stood out about you, was the fact you were a professional at being a procrastinator, so in the end, nothing ended up in its place anyways.

You glanced out of the window, studying the house on the opposite side of the street since it was the first (and only) thing that caught your eye. There wasn’t anything that interesting about it, since the houses in your area of the town tended to be pretty much the same, but there was a peach tree on the far side of it.

On the footpath stood a man, dressed in causal formal clothing. His right hand was wrapped around the handle of a suitcase, and for a brief moment, you wondered if he too was like you, a person who would procrastinate.

Or maybe he was a more put-together person than you were, and his things would be unpacked within a few hours. It certainly seemed that way, with the manner he carried himself. For goodness sake, the man was standing straight from what you could tell. No slouching, not even a little bit.

He also probably knew what he was doing with his life. It seemed as if everybody but you had the answer to that.

Huffing, you were about to turn back to your pizza, which was the only thing that didn’t judge you at the moment, when the man turned around, presumably to look at the place. 

You froze on the spot. 

His hair cast a little bit of a shadow on his face, and considering you were looking at him from above, it would’ve been a little tough to make out his features for anyone else. However, you knew exactly who it was, a person you hadn’t seen in a long time and one you couldn’t possibly ever forget.

Jung Jaehyun, with his stupid pretty face and ability to leave you breathless even when you were over six feet away from him. You could tell how he looked from where you were standing, his hair had grown a little bit, but it was the same square jawline and eyes you had known.

You had been seventeen when you so naively fell for him one summer, blissfully oblivious to how it would end.  He was your brother’s best friend at the time and had always been nice to you. He smiled whenever you met each other, he offered to help you when you had to write an essay you were struggling with and was all around the perfect guy.

Which was what you hated so much about him. He was perfect in every way imaginable, with his dimpled smile and features that were akin to a Greek god.  He was a year older than you, your brother’s age and the type of guy people looked up to.

That was three years ago, almost four. That one summer when you fell in love and crawled out with a broken heart.

chapter two: don’t cry over split coffee

There really wasn’t much to do in your hometown, you soon discovered after revisiting all the usual places that had made up your childhood. The arcade, the lake a little outside of town, the old high school, and that abandoned theater kids used to put up their poorly planned out plays for fun during the summer months.

You remembered doing the same when you were fifteen, with your friends and older brother and his friend. You had written out the play, but chose to be one of the background characters. Not that it mattered anyway, hardly twenty people attended the show.

Still, it had been fun, and the look Jaehyun gave you afterward when he complimented you on the story- well, the tenth grade you was absolutely enamored by it, even more so when you heard him tell your brother he wanted to be a writer someday.

You had impressed the future writer, your job was done. You had a smile on your face, and motivation to continue writing stories for short plays. That was how it all started, you supposed, with a little bit of infatuation and they want to please him.

Dammit, you were letting your mind wander again. Ever since you had happened to catch a glimpse of him from your window a week ago, he had been plaguing your thoughts. 

Cupping your mug, you looked over. Opposite to you sat two people, your old friends from high school. They knew about the whole ordeal and were the ones you had forced into acting in your play.

The girl was Zhong Ailiseu. She was that type of person who was undoubtedly the main character in the production of life, with brown hair that she had recently cut, which complimented her honey irises. Her voice was gentle, pairing with her smile that seemed to light up the room.

Ailiseu truly was what everybody wanted to be, she was virtually the textbook definition of perfect. In school, she was the star, always at the top of her class and the best at everything she tried and put her mind to. She got into one of the top colleges on a scholarship for fashion and was now back in town just like you. All she was waiting for was to be welcomed into that company she had taken an interview for, which she was most certainly going to get.

You sometimes wondered if she was even real. Perhaps she was simply a fictional character.

Her fingers were intertwined with the boys under the table. You had caught a glimpse of it and had put two and two together. Part of you couldn’t believe they had ended up together, with the amount they used to fight and bicker over the stupidest of things when you were younger.

He was Nakamoto Yuta, and the years away had definitely treated him well. Childish features had morphed into sharp, angular ones that left him looking pretty terrifying when he was thinking to himself because f his resting bitch face. However, that was all canceled out the moment he smiled. His smile was dazzling, to say the least, his eyes would light up like someone had flipped a switch.

Currently, his hair was a muted red colour, which matched his eccentric personality. He always had been an unpredictable little shit, which was what made his presence extremely entertaining. All in all, they complimented each other well.

The three of you got along like a house on fire, even after four years of strained contact with each other. You had decided to meet up at the coffee house yesterday and within minutes it was like you were seventeen again.

“I can’t believe you two are together,” you said, glancing from Yuta to Ailiseu. “Can’t believe you got over him stealing your cookies to the point where you fell in love.”

Yuta sent you an alarmed look, shaking his head rapidly. You realized a little too late that you weren’t supposed to bring that up, because she probably still didn’t know. Ailiseu’s eyes widened, before she turned to her darling boyfriend and narrowed them.

“I fucking knew you took them,” she grumbled and he shrugged, pointing at you. “Y/n ate some of them too okay!”

I’m friends with liars and thieves I-”

“I’m going to go get some more coffee!” You exclaimed, eager to weasel your way out of the situation. Ignoring their protests, you smiled to yourself, getting to your feet and walking up to the counter.

You placed the mug down, leaning against the counter and calling for the barista. He turned to you, a puppy-like smile on his face as he nodded, “How may I help you?”

His name tag read ‘Jeno’ and he seemed to be barely eighteen. Returning his smile, you ordered some more coffee, paying him on the spot. While you waited, you read off the specials listed out on the board and other assorted seasonal drinks.

Jeno came back with your coffee and you thanked him, turning around to return to your table and probably still arguing friends. Catching sight of the table, you walked over, but didn’t see the person directly in front of you and ended up walking straight into their figure, spilling a little of your coffee on your sweater.

While you weren’t thrilled that your pretty white cashmere sweater was now dyed a light brown colour in some places, you looked up to apologize to the person, only for the words to die in your throat.

Jaehyun stood there, staring back at you with an expression that mirrored yours perfectly. He was wearing casual clothing, just a tee thrown over some jeans, but he still looked breathtaking. Swallowing thickly, you cleared your throat and greeted him, brushing away the urge to fall to your knees at the confusing feeling that was creeping up onto you.

“Jae.”

Oh fuck, you forgot the Hyun part of his name. You only ever called him Jae when the two of you were messing around that one summer when you thought that you had him. Stumbling over your words, you completed his name hurriedly, flushing embarrassedly.

“Y/n,” he nodded, a small smile making its way onto his face, “Hey, it’s been so long.”

Not long enough, clearly. “It has! How are you?” You hated small talk. It was pointless and a waste of time. Jaehyun shrugged complacently, just like he used to when you were younger 

“So and so, decided to get back in town for a bit for a break.”

“A break?” You asked, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. Trying to ignore the sticky feeling of drying coffee that was soon making itself known on your arm, you pretended to be interested. 

He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, “I’m a writer, so I’m searching for an idea for my next book.”

“Right! I remember you wanting to be a writer,” you said, words dying and growing softer with every one. He studied you for a second, before smiling.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I suppose you came looking for Johnny,” you muttered, mentioning your brother. “He’s back at home.”

You thought about how Jaehyun used to take you here for dates, ordering your favorite drink while the two of you shared a cheesecake. Perhaps that was what hurt the most, even after all these years. It hurt because he had been perfect, he had done everything a boyfriend should have. He took you on dates, he would kiss you and hold your hand, tell you how amazing you were.

You fell in love with that part of him, and this place was just reminiscent of it all. It was funny how your hometown came with these memories you would rather forget altogether. And him standing in front of you was proof enough you hadn’t imagined him that day. 

“Actually I came looking for no one,” he said, “But I’m glad I ran into you.”

That felt like a slap in the face. You nodded curtly, “Yeah- me too.” Niceties were a given when it came to Jaehyun. You couldn’t flip him off if you tried, because he was always so nice to you, even when he told you it all meant nothing.

He had told you in person, under the big peach tree beside the porch of his house. He had been so gentle, that you didn’t even feel the impact of his words until you were back in your room, which was when you finally broke down.

No one understood why you were in such a terrible mood, nor why you looked so broken for the better part of the starting of your final year at high school. This was because no one knew about you and Jaehyun since the two of you had done an amazing job of concealing the relationship.

And because of your lack of proper reaction, he still probably thought that the break up- if it could even be called that- was mutual. It definitely wasn’t, he had taken your heart and let his fall until it hit the ground and was in a million pieces.

You hated love, despised it even, solely due to this man, since because of him, it was hard to love someone else. You had been so utterly heartbroken that even when you moved for college, you put all your energy into doing well and forgot about enjoying it.

Now that you were done with it and he was standing in front of you, it was like someone had ripped those stickers open again to show off your wound. 

“I have to get back to my friends,” you managed to get out, whispering a curt goodbye and walking away, back to the table. Jaehyun watched you leave, slightly bewildered at the sudden, unexpected exchange with an old friend.

“Sir? Are you ready to order?” The barista asked. Snapping out of it, he nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll have a…..”

chapter three: dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen

Giggles escaped you as you tried to smother them down with your hand over your mouth. Your fingers were intertwined with Jaehyuns as the two of you fled the party that was taking place in his house. It was his brother’s birthday, but he had done enough for it and had chosen to spend the rest of the evening with you.

He was finally eighteen, a proper adult and picture-perfect as could be. He had grown out his hair a little for the summer, so it curled around his neck adorably, making you want to thread your fingers through it.

He turned around to steal a glance at you, a smile briefing his features as he pulled you closer. You were behind the house in the backyard, and you could just about make out the scent of his cologne wafting through the dewy night air.

Summer nights always had an odd chill in the air, one that was inexplicable. Jaehyun didn’t have a jacket on him at the moment, so he settled for simply pulling you closer to him, wrapping his arms around your waist as he smirked.

“Hey you.”

Before him, you never really understood the concept of butterflies in one’s stomach and nervousness around that special person. But at that moment as you stood in his arms, heat crept up your neck as a whole damn zoo infiltrated your insides. It was almost laughable, he could do the bare minimum and it would affect you.

“Hi,” you said shyly and quickly, dropping your gaze to your feet. He chuckled, thinking about how adorable you were. 

“It’s nice out here, hmm?” He asked, keeping his eyes on you. He had quickly figured out how easily you broke down under his utmost attention, and it was amusing seeing you so confused and grasping at words. Nodding softly, you met his gaze.

“It is.”

Details were a little bit of a blur, but you remembered him kissing you right after, lips pressed against yours. The rest of the world was drowned out in the process, as your hands cupped his face, kissing him back.

His kisses were soft, you soon discovered after sharing many of them with him. They were gentle, almost as if he was scared of breaking you. If you had to describe what being with him was like, in the most childish way possible you’d have to say it was ‘nice’, but not in a mediocre way. It was nice in the way that made you feel fuzzy on the inside and a smile appear at the sight of him. Nice in the sense where you felt safe.

Of course, there was the added edge of excitement since he was older than you and your brother’s best friend. You felt flattered that he chose to spend his time with you, especially since you thought you were simply the little sister to him. It was exciting, to an extent, since your brother didn’t know about the relationship.

He was different, out of bounds but also so safe at the same time. 

All the summer nights he would sneak into your room, the days your fingers would be entangled in his hair as the two of you kissed, being with him was truly something out of a fairytale. The glances he would give you when your brother was around and the two of you were playing it off- the thrill had remained every single time. 

You should have known it was only a matter of time before the thrill would fade for him.

~

Jaehyun had been waiting for half an hour now.

He glanced down at his watch and clicked his tongue in slight annoyance. Johnny had promised to meet him here at six, but it was already half past it, and the movie was going to start any minute now. One would think that an old best friend would make more of an effort to be on time, but apparently not.

Thankfully, he spotted his old car pulling up a few feet away, parking and getting out of the driver’s seat. Johnny looked even taller than the last time Jaehyun had seen him, if that was possible, hair messy in a stylized way. 

And then the passenger door opened, and you walked out, wearing your brother’s jacket with a bored look on your face. Some of your hair had fallen out of your ponytail and in front of your face as you crossed your hands over each other and followed Johnny to where Jaehyun was standing.

Which prompted him to panic a little bit. You see, seeing you that day at the cafe had confused him a little, and also reminded him of how the two of you left things off all those years ago. You seemed pretty put together, which somewhat helped his state of mind, but when you looked up from your feet and spotted him standing there at the entrance of the cinema, you froze in place.

Dammit, Johnny did not tell you he would be here.

“Y/n! You remember Jaehyun, right?” Your brother asked, a bright, kittenish smile gracing his features as he walked up to his friend, slinging an arm around him. You pressed your lips together, wondering how to ask the question without offending anyone.

“I thought it was going to be just the two of us?” You tried to look as sad as possible about not being able to spend quality time with your oh-so-wonderful brother, but he just walked over to you and tackled you in a hug.

“Well, we can do that another time! You’re going to be home for a long time, we don’t know how long Yoonoh will be here.” He turned to his friend, blissfully oblivious to the awkward situation he had put the two of you in, “You guys were friends too, right?”

“Well-”

Jaehyun started to say something and your eyes widened in alarm, placing a hand on Johnny’s shoulder and shrugging, “Yeah, it’s just been so long you know?”

To this the writer frowned at you, raising an eyebrow in question. You ignored him, gesturing to the door of the cinema house. “We’ve probably missed the first ten minutes of the movie, sorry we’re late Jaehyun.” 

Even though your words were directed to him, you refused to look at him, instead,  dragged your poor, confused brother in with you and asking him to get the popcorn. It seemed as if you would be pushing the dude around a lot today, especially since Jaehyun would be there.

He now stood beside you, watching your brother walk up to the counters and ask for the snacks. “What was that all about?”

“He doesn’t know about...whatever we were.” You said, not quite knowing what to describe the old relationship as. Jaehyun had told you it was just a fling, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it like that.

He raised an eyebrow, “Still? I thought you would have told him by now.”

“I didn’t talk about it after you broke up with me,” your voice had taken a turn for distant, and had a sort of finality to it that told him to not press for answers anymore. Accepting this, he didn’t say any more.

The evening was awkward, to say the least. The world had decided that you were its object of entertainment and put you in the worst position, sitting right next to Jaehyun. Why? Because your darling brother wanted that specific seat, but also wanted to sit next to Jaehyun and the only seat left was the one next to the latter.

The movie itself was pretty good, about two college kids who fall in love with each other with a sprinkle of misunderstandings and a pretty silver locket even you were envious of. You couldn’t help but scoff at the pretentious way love was portrayed in it, because you knew for a fact that not everyone got their happy endings.

Jaehyun glanced to his side, where you were slumped in your seat, practically engulfed in your jacket as you bit down on your nails, eyes trained on the big screen. The light illuminated your features in the dark theater, eyelashes casting shadows over your face.

Seeing you here, it really hit him that he was back in this place he called home. You were one of the memories that haunted him, and you probably always would. 

When he was younger, he lived life recklessly (in the words of his friend Mark, yolo), though he followed the rules. His point being- he never really thought of the consequences. As selfish as it sounded, he was there to have fun and be the best. The main character in his own little book of life, while everyone else were passer-bys.

When he was younger, he also hated history. To him, there was no point in learning about something that was in the past. It was old news, a story told too many times. It was stale.

And yet, here he was, back in his childhood, older and hit with the past again. The history that came with the town was right in his face, and he couldn’t ignore it. The past was bound to come back to him, and now as he studied your familiar features, he realized.

The past started with you.

chapter four: i have this dream you’re doing cool shit

The sun announced its arrival through your window, making you roll over and cover your face with a spare pillow. You loved your room, but in the mornings it awoke you rather violently, something you had forgotten with your time away at college.

Needless to say, you were not a morning person.

“For fucks sake,” you groaned into the plush pillow, curling your body to the side and facing the wall. You had to sleep with your knees bent anyways, since the bed was a little small for you now. You had been doing it since you were eighteen.

“Oi, sleeping beauty,” Your brother’s voice cut through your solitude, “Wake up.”

You felt the mattress dip towards the end, and you concluded at he had sat down at the edge. Turning onto your back, you covered your eyes with your wrist and sighed.

“Five more minutes.”

“What are we in school? Get your ass up, we’re going out.”

Those words were something you hadn’t heard in a long time, so part of you was intrigued. The other part was perfectly content with ignoring him and going back to sleep. However, you knew how insistent Johnny could be when he wanted, so you dragged yourself out, but before giving him a hit with your pillow.

Ah, siblings.

Driving him out of your room, you got dressed for the day. Summers in your hometown were cheery, the typical lemonade and watermelon type of season. The sun, while you despised it while waking up, was actually something you really liked throughout the course of the day. 

You jogged downstairs to get some breakfast before leaving, thanking your mother for the blueberry pancakes she made. It felt as if you were seventeen again, everything was almost the same.

Almost.

Johnny was talking to someone, and you couldn’t help but pay attention to the conversation considering he was sitting right next to you. You had definitely missed him at college, and being back with your brother well, you were his baby sister. He was the first boy you ever looked up to, and the boy you know would always love you back.

He wouldn’t be the last, but he would always be there. That was enough for you, in fact, being home as weird as it was, it was like a reminder that everything would always be the same around here. It would always be there.

“See you there,” he said, clicking off the call and digging into his own pancakes. You nudged him, plastering on a sweet smile.

“Who was that?”

“Jaehyun, he’ll be meeting us a little later.”

Your smile faltered at that, but you made sure it didn’t fall. Instead, you took another bite, using it as an excuse to not respond straight away and instead think about what to say. Taking a sip of your orange juice, you started.

“Uh, why is he coming? Not that I’m against it but I’m just there? You two are in bromance.”

Rolling his eyes, he stole a blueberry from your plate, “Because it’ll be just like it used to, you know? With you there with us. It was fun.”

An odd sort of wistful smile appeared on his lips as he played with his food. You couldn’t quite figure out why it seemed so distant and detached, but didn’t think too much about it. After all, you were busy worrying about how to deal with his best friend later.

You were regretting ever getting involved with Jaehyun in the first place because it made things so messy. It made you think over what you were saying, and rethink it. Contemplating whether you should say something or not, was just a big mess.

Another thing that was the same about this summer, Jaehyun was there.

But you’d worry about that later because you had managed to cajole Johnny into getting you froyo before you met up with him. So while he did that, you decided to venture into the little bookstore right next to the frozen yogurt shop.

It was a quaint place, cozy and welcoming. The owner was often seen typing away at her laptop, supposedly writing her own book to display up one day. You walked through the aisles, scanning the shelves for a title that caught your eye. Some were familiar, ones you had read when you were younger, and some you had never heard of, but one, in particular, made your eyes widen.

You can call me babe for the weekend by Jung Jaehyun.

It was as if your body worked on its own accord, feet leading you to where that book was. The spine of it was a light sage green, the letters were printed out onto the cover in a darker colour. His name jumped out at you from everything else. Slipping the book out, you turned it over to read the summary.

It was a love story, intriguing from what you could tell. You never really took him as a sappy love story kind of guy, but apparently, he wrote them. No wonder he was so popular, he catered to what people wanted. Biting down on your lower lip, you sucked in a breath, making a split-second decision.

Holding the book close to you, you walked up to the check-out counter, signaling for the owner. She got a little startled, flashing you an apologetic smile for being distracted, and shut her laptop. 

“This one?” “Yes please,” you said, and she smiled. You almost caught her name on the tag she wore, but she turned around to get a paper bag from the other end for your book. “Here's the bill.”

Forgetting about it quickly you paid, taking the bag from her hands.

“It’s a good book,” she said, and you cocked your head to the side. Blinking, she smiled sheepishly, “I’ve read most of his books, simply because I can brag about how I know him- Y/n right? We used to go to middle school together if I’m not mistaken.

It was then you noticed she was about your age, with brown hair that got lighter towards the end and honeyed brown eyes that complimented it. It definitely felt as if you had met her before, almost as if you knew who she was and yet you couldn’t quite place her.

“Yeah,” you said, “I’m sorry I don’t remember-”

“It’s fine,” she waved her hand nonchalantly, “Enjoy the book! It’s really good.” Opening up her laptop again, she seemed to be deep in thought, before looking back up at you. “Do you have a story?”

At this, you frowned in confusion, leaning against the counter and letting the pretty white paper bag hang from your wrist, “Story?”

“Nevermind,” she muttered, “It’s just a lot of people that come here- they have stories you know? Everyone has one, I think.” The same sort of wistful smile you saw on your brother’s face appeared on hers. “Maybe yours hasn’t begun yet, or maybe you don’t know it.”

Her words struck something inside of you, something you couldn’t quite decipher. Perhaps you did have a story and didn’t know it yet. Perhaps you were still waiting for it to begin. You nodded curtly, bidding her farewell and reaching the door when she called out to you.

“Y/n!”

“Hm?” You turned around and she had that same look on her face. Glancing down at her laptop screen, she looked back up at you.

“Tell me your story when you figure it out.”

chapter five: gold rush

It was an ungodly hour of the night, or morning if you were getting into technicalities. Your phone screen glared back at you, 3:00 am staring you in the eye in white. This was probably one of the reasons why you weren’t such a morning person because you were the idiot who stayed up till the ass crack of dawn.

You shut your eyes for a moment, before handing your head and looking at the book that sat in your lap. Jaehyuns book, of course, you had taken it upon yourself to start it that evening, but you never expected to be sitting there, with it all finished.

The story itself was a rollercoaster, it even had you tearing up at a few instances. There was no doubt that he was a talented writer, and deserved to be where he was.

He was just too damn perfect, the person everyone wanted to be and everyone wanted. This madness had started three years ago, and now that you were back home with almost everything the same, you couldn’t help but think.

A part of you was still stuck at seventeen, and probably always would be. A part of you, especially after reading his stupid book with a stupid happy ending and with everybody content, you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d ever have that. Why did it seem like everybody else got theirs while you were stuck with being bitter?

Everyone wanted Jaehyun. He was practically perfect in every way, absolutely beautiful. If they didn’t want to be him, they wanted him for themselves. Maybe that’s what made you feel so special when he chose you that summer.

You were among the mass of people who also wanted him, you soon realized. You weren’t all that special after all. You would forever be just one in the crowds, just another girl who was affected by his charms. 

You buried your head in your hands, sighing defeatedly. This was ridiculous, all of this had happened three years ago, more than enough time for you to make your peace with it and move on with your life. You thought you had, with college and everything.

But now you were back where you started, not knowing what the fuck you wanted to do with your life, forced into a past you didn’t want to indulge in. You were twenty-one, without the slightest idea of how to navigate.

Growing up shouldn’t have been this hard. 

“Oh god,” you scoffed humourlessly, wondering how you had spiraled into that train of thought after reading a romance novel. Ah yes, this was what two and a half years of college had taught you.

Wonderful. 

Pressing the power button of your phone, you squinted to take in the time. Only six minutes had passed since the last time you checked, and tiredness set in. Your eyelids drooped and you placed the book on your bedside table, yawning.

You’d leave the thinking for when it wasn’t three in the morning.

~

Someone had got to be kidding you.

You stood there, gaping at Jaehyun, who was busy talking to a few seniors. Why was he here? Why did the world deem it okay for you to bump into him at every place? So many questions that would never be answered.

You were currently visiting your old high school just for kicks, when you spotted him there, one hand in the pocket of his jeans and the other gesturing as he spoke. His attire was formal, a dress shirt and blazer. All in all, he looked good, almost annoyingly so.

You had been to the library so far, and now you regretted deciding to venture out into the halls you once roamed as a student. Rooted to the spot, you tried thinking of a way to get out of your current situation, but the exit was on the other end of the hallway, which meant you’d have to pass him.

Straightening up, you tried your best to walk past him nonchalantly, but he turned around just as you were passing, catching onto your figure and calling out to you.

“Y/n!”

Goddammit.

Turning around awkwardly on your heel, you plastered on a smile. “Jaehyun! Didn’t see you there!” 

Lying was a bad thing but hey, it wasn’t like your nose was growing any bigger. He raised an eyebrow, turning to face you properly and you averted your gaze. Okay, so maybe you weren’t a great liar, but that wasn’t the point. Swallowing nervously, you asked, “So what are you doing here?”

He took a few steps closer to where you were standing. “Since I was in town, the school invited me to give the kids a talk since I’m apparently a successful writer.” He gave you a small grin and a roll of his eyes with this statement. 

“Ah,” you said with your extensive conversation skills, “I’m um, here because I wanted to be.”

Jaehyun chuckled, “That’s cool too.” He looked around, cocking his head to the side as if calling you, “Come with me.”

“Huh?” You frowned in confusion, but followed him anyways, walking through the hallways and quickly fell into step with him. He pushed the doors open and both of you exited the school building, finding yourselves outside.

You walked a little forward, leaning against the railing. All in all the school seemed to be more or less the same from what you remembered, just devoid of the familiar faces you had once been so used to. It was funny, how almost all of them had left the town while you had come back.

You supposed that was the problem, everything seemed to be the same on the surface, but when you looked a little deeper, it was really very different. You had always been taught to never take things at face value, and that concept definitely translated into your current life.

But sometimes you wished you could take it at face value, your life would be so much easier that way, you were sure.

“So uh, we need to talk, don’t we?”

You looked at him, humming in question. He stood beside you, giving you a pointed look as if he expected you to know what he was talking about. Sighing, Jaehyun continued, “I mean, it’s been a little weird between us don’t you think? Especially since we keep running into each other.”

Pressing your lips together in a thin line, you nodded, looking away from him and sighing. “Yeah I’m sorry about that, I guess I just got startled seeing you here.”

“Why?”

You shrugged, “I don’t know, still adjusting to being back I guess and you were a pretty big part of it.” Your words were fairly innocent, but they held a deeper message that he could almost catch. 

It was true after all, you had met Jaehyun for the first time when you were nine and he was ten. You had been in the fourth grade, busy doing your math homework on the table in your living room when Johnny burst through in all his fifth-grade glory.

He had just come back from soccer practice, mud staining his socks and a bright grin on his face. He held a football under his arm as he yelled, “MOOOOM!”

You looked up from your work, playing with your pencil and frowning, “Shut up.”

“You shut up!”

“Kids!” Your mother yelled back, walking into the area of the house the two of you were in, “No screaming aren’t you supposed to be doing your homework?”

“He distracted me,” you justified, pointing at your brother, who refused to admit this, instead chose to ignore you completely. This wasn’t at all appreciated by you, but you had math to finish, which was arguably more important than Johnny.

“I got a friend,” he said, taking a step to the side to reveal another, slightly smaller boy standing behind him. Then again, Johnny had always been a little taller than most, so the new boy was probably at a pretty good height for being ten.

He had rosy cheeks and fluffy hair, giving him a scruffy look. He too wore a uniform similar to your brothers, a smile on his face that lit up his childish features and showed his dimples. He walked up, smiling at your mother since he hadn’t seen you yet.

“Hi Mrs. Suh! I’m Jaehyun!” He said, voice much higher than it was now. Your mother smiled, resting her hand on his head and patting it affectionately.

“Hi honey, I’m so happy to see you! Will you be staying for dinner?” She cupped Jaehyun's small face, bringing him to look up at her. He frowned in thought, “I’ll have to ask my mom! Can I please use your phone?”

To this your mother agreed, gesturing to her phone which was kept on the table where you were sitting. He skipped over, taking it and giving it to your mother, but first smiled at you, holding out his hand.

“Hi! I’m Johnny’s friend Jaehyun!”

You looked at him curiously, taking his hand and shaking it, the scene was rather amusing for your mother since it was so formal for a couple of kids. “Hi Johnny’s friend Jaehyun, I’m Y/n! His sister.”

He frowned, taking the phone back from your mother and punching in his own mother’s number. “You can just call me Jaehyun.”

“Okay-”

“Ignore her, she’s annoying,” Johnny stated, receiving a light, playful smack from your mother. Muttering out a half-assed, not at all sincere apology, the two boys ran into your brother’s room.

You met him at nine, your nine-year-old self would have never even thought about falling in love with him. Life was funny that way, it threw you for a look every time.

“I suppose that’s true,” Jaehyun said, snapping you out of your thoughts and bringing you back to the present. You blinked, realizing he was responding to you. “But whatever happened, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, right?”

Oh.

He was thinking about the summer, oh god. That definitely complicated things, but you saw no flaw in his reasoning. Sucking it up, you nodding, smiling softly as you met his gaze.

“Yeah, we’re friends.”

chapter six: catching up

You were starting to think Ailiseu really lived the dream life, especially since she was complaining about her brother at the moment.

Without context, that would sound odd. How did complaining about one’s brother translate into having a perfect life? In that case, you should have been giving the Kardashians a run for their money in the luxury department.

But apart from being practically perfect herself, her brother was Zhong Chenle. Practically everybody knew that name, he was the current hottest celebrity and had topped the Billboard charts with his music several times. He was currently on everybody’s playlists, even your own.

Ailiseu was related to a celebrity, she was living the life. 

You had known Chenle, he was somewhat of a younger brother to you as well. When you were fifteen with her, he was a bright eyed thirteen year old with a shit-eating grin. He would follow Ailiseu around and was always singing. You would often see him with his friend, the two of them would prank you and your friend very often.

So seeing him in a magazine in a photo shoot, as the face of some brands, was a little jarring if you were being honest. He was once a geeky little kid, now one of the most successful, youngest people in the industry.

He left the town to pursue his career when he was seventeen, moving to Korea to do so. Sometimes you felt a little inferior, you still didn’t know what you were doing with your life and he was out there making a name for himself.

“He hung up on me because he was going to dinner with some Celebrity Chef- can you believe the nerve? I’m his sister, his flesh and blood and he just threw me off!” She huffed, plopping down next to you on her bed. You had to take a moment to digest that statement.

“Hell girl I’d ditch anyone to meet a celebrity,” you quipped, picking up your phone and switching it on. “He’s living his best life out there.”

Your response wasn’t appreciated, and Ailiseu hit you playfully on your arm. You let out an exaggerated wail of pain, scooting away from her. “Demon.”

“That me!” She said chirpily, blowing a kiss in your direction, “And he should be used to the whole Hollywood shebang by this point. He’s going on tour soon.”

“That’s amazing, I know a celebrity personally damn.”

“Is that all you picked up from this?” She pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration and you laughed, leaning against her headboard of the bed. It was nice, being able to do this again as if you were just a bunch of high school kids again. Resting your chin on the tips of your fingers, you smirked.

“So, Yuta?”

She flushed, shrugging as nonchalantly as possible. “He’s nice.”

“Just nice? Don’t you remember the aging crush you had on him junior year- OW!?” You flinched when she hit you with her pillow. “I do not remember you being this aggressive what the hell?”

“You deserve it honey, and what about junior year? If I remember correctly, you were busy pining over Jung Jaehyun?” She wiggled her eyebrows at you suggestively, knowing she caught you. “Oh wait! You had been doing that since the beginning of high school.”

Rolling your eyes, you refused to answer that, scrolling through your phone for a bit. While everything that had happened back then had definitely hurt you, Ailiseu knew all about it, and it was easy talking and joking about it with her. At least then, there was someone to stop you from spiraling.

Clearing your throat, you started again, “You know, he’s back in town?”

She raised an eyebrow, “What, really? What are the odds, you come back and he’s there too?” She brought her knees up to her chest, “Maybe it’s a sign for you to go running back to him.” Her tone was light and casual, you knew she was being sarcastic, and yet you couldn’t help but think about it. It was pretty amazing how the two of you were at the same place at the same time.

Ailiseu noticed the shift in your demeanor, eyes widening. “Girl no, don’t say you’re actually going to-?”

You shook your head, letting out a forced laugh. “No, it’s just a little weird I guess.” You chewed on your lower lip, “I agreed to be friends with him again, though.”

“That’s how it always starts, he literally dropped you so easily! I don’t care how perfect he is, that was pretty heartless.” She said firmly, cupping your face and forcing you to look at her. Her eyes softened and she sighed. 

“Just...promise me you won’t do anything stupid okay? It’s easy to fall back into old habits.”

It sounded like a warning like she knew what she was talking about, eyes laced with concern. That scared you a little, but you nodded curtly, bringing her hands down from your face and squeezing them affectionately.

“I promise.”

chapter seven: lay the table with the fancy shit

You looked at yourself in the mirror one last time, deeming your outfit appropriate, and walked out of your room, jogging down the stairs. The Jungs were coming home for dinner today since your parents deemed it the perfect time seeing everyone was around. 

You let your hair out of its ponytail, running your fingers through it to the tips to brush it out a little so it framed your face nicely. Once you had arrived downstairs, you began helping around, starting by setting the table.

The thought of spending the evening with him definitely didn’t seem quite as stifling or daunting as it once had, but you were still a little nervous. Ailiseus’s words stuck out with you- what was it again? Something about old habits being easy to fall back into? Whatever it was, for some reason it felt like a warning.

The doorbell rang and you abandoned your task, which was almost done anyways and walked up to open. Johnny was still getting ready while your father was helping your mother in the kitchen, which left you with door duty. You opened it, smiling at the three figures that stood there.

“Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Jung! Jaehyun,” you greeted then, acknowledging him last. His own mother went off into a tangent about how pretty you looked and how grown up you seemed. Jaehyun handed you some flowers and a bottle of wine they had brought along.

You walked into the kitchen, placing the bottle down on a counter and looking around for how you could help. Yes, you didn’t mind being around them, but you’d much rather stay away if you were being honest.

You decided to get the drinks, now that you were legal and allowed to drink. Your parents took out the appetizers, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

Until of course, the devil himself walked in, fixing the cuff of his sleeve. He looked really good, hair left loose instead of being styled formally. You looked up from pouring your own drink, swallowing the sudden lump in your throat.

“Hey, want something to drink?”

“Sure,” he said, stuffing his hands into his pockets and taking a few steps closer, standing next to you. You pressed your lips together in an attempt to not react, placing the bottle down and handing him his glass.

He took it from you, flashing you that pretty smile of his that could make your knees buckle when you were younger. You hated the fact that you still got carried away with the idea of him.

“So,” you cleared your throat and decided to start some sort of conversation so it wasn’t awkward, “How is it being a bigshot writer?”

He giggled at your question, eyes lighting up like a kid, you couldn’t help but smile. Shaking some hair out of his face, he answered, “It’s pretty normal, I just write for a living, sometimes win an award and have the blue tick on Instagram. Sometimes people recognize me, but those are the exciting days.”

Dry humour always had been a part of his character. You snorted, opening the freezer to get a few ice cubes and dropping them into your own drink, before taking a sip. “How glamorous, I know two celebrities now.”

His eyebrows furrowed, “Two?”

“Yeah, Chenle and you,” to this, he let out a sound of realization, nodding. “I’ve met Chenle on several occasions in the city.” He took a sip of his drink, “It was pretty surprising seeing him there at first.”

“I can imagine,” you muttered, “Shall we go back into the living room?”

He nodded, and the two of you walked back together. By this time, Johnny had made his presence known, dragging Jaehyun away to talk. You shook yourself out of the slight trance the latter had thrown you into. It was something only he was able to do with you, you felt like a little kid looking up at him.

Taking a seat on the side of the sofa next to your mother, you made an attempt to figure out what the adults were talking about. It was laughable, how you still referred to them as adults even though you were one yourself.

You supposed you still had to grow up, in a sense.

chapter eight: meet me behind the mall

Yuta was lying down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t speak, he wasn’t even listening to any music, he was just there. This was something he liked to do, to contemplate his decisions. He always had been the type of person you thought before he acted, especially when it came to something as big as this.

In short, he wasn’t impulsive. Impulse often led to downfall or poorly planned out events, somethings failures altogether. 

He knew he was still young and had plenty of time in his life left. From a logical standpoint, this was a pretty rash decision on his part. What if things didn’t work out? What if it was all a big mistake?

He knew he loved Ailiseu, the both of them had been going out for two years now. The memories were strong, and she gave him a feeling of warmth and a sense of home. She was familiar since he had known her since he was fourteen.

He sighed, turning over to his side. He had been lucky enough to have the most perfect girl in the world to call his own. In his eyes, she was perfect, as she was to most of the rest of the world. He slipped his hand into his pocket, bringing out a small box.

When he told his mother what he was contemplating, she had been extremely excited, muttering the usual mother spiel of her child growing up too fast. With several questions later, she disappeared off into the bedroom, only to reappear with that same box in her hand.

Yuta opened the box, to reveal a small dainty ring. It was classy, just a small diamond resting atop the crown of the pretty silver band. He picked it out, examining the piece of jewelry.

“It’s a family heirloom,” his mother had informed him fondly, “Passed down through the last three generations.” With that, she placed it in his hands, squeezing them, “And now it’s yours, sweetheart.”

He was dumbfounded, to say the least, that she trusted him with that ring. His mother believed him, so this had to be the right thing to do...right?”

Some would say he was too young to be thinking about marriage, and in all honesty, he agreed. But then again, what he felt towards Ailiseu was real and strong, he was sure of it. If it wasn’t he would have never even considered doing this in the first place.

Yuta wasn’t the type to play around a lot, he believed in working towards what you wanted, and he had done exactly that. Now he had her, and he was ready to promise her everything, as much as he could give.

He was also a bit of a romantic.

Putting the ring back in its casing, he shut the box. A satisfying snap was heard as it closed, and he placed it on his bedside table, shutting his eyes.

All he needed to do now was figure out the perfect time to ask.

~

Hanging around Jaehyun with Johnny was something you were pretty used to. You had done this all the time when you were younger, in fact, Johnny used to just assume you were coming along.

What you were not used to was Jaehyun showing up at your doorstop and telling you to come with him without Johnny.

Which was how you found yourself sitting in the passenger seat of his old car, knees pulled up to your chest as you bit down on your waffle. He had insisted on buying them for the two of you and refused to let you pay for your own.

It was alright though, free food was always a plus.

“So,” you started, breaking off one of the end pieces of your waffle and nibbling on it. “Are you going to tell me why you dragged me out to the-” you peered out of the window and frowned, “middle of nowhere?”

He rolled his eyes, “It’s not the middle of nowhere, we’re behind the mall.”

“Behind the- why would one even come here?” Some cream cheese from your waffle slid down onto your palm and you scooped it up, “Okay, why?”

“Why we came here? Can’t I just hang out with a friend?” He asked, prompting you to scoff. As if you were going to believe that nonsense. You shoved the piece of waffle in his face, and accused.

“My brother is your friend. Me? I’m the annoying little sister you let tag along out of pity.” Though the statement was basically you making fun of yourself, you said it light-heartedly, almost triumphantly as you knew you had caught him there. You smirked and he sighed, finishing off his own waffle.

“Fine, you’re fun to be with okay?”

You raised an eyebrow, “Oh? Fun am I? I suppose that’s why you decided to play around with me in the summer.” The words were out of your mouth before you could comprehend them yourself. His eyes widened slightly at the sudden attack and you winced, “Sorry I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay,” he said, “We were young and dumb and it didn’t really mean anything. We were just fooling around.”

You had lived through him telling you you were just a fling, but hearing again after all these years? For some goddamn reason, it hurt just as much as it did all those years ago. Pressing your lips together, you nodded curtly.

How else were you supposed to respond? This was Jaehyun for goodness sake, you never knew how to navigate anything when it came to him. That was your own fault, you had let yourself get swayed with him.

But it hurt because you hadn’t told anyone other than Ailiseu, it hurt because you had bottled it up for so long and now that you were here you felt like a pressure cooker that finally had to let off some steam. And what better time than now, right? He was right there.

Sucking in a deep breath, you braced yourself and finally jumped. “Except,” you shut your eyes for a moment, catching his attention. “It wasn’t just ‘fun’ to me.”

Jaehyun frowned, “I’m not following-”

“That summer,” you cleared your throat, suddenly finding that your almost finished waffle was extremely interesting, “I didn’t think of it as nothing, it wasn’t just a summer fling to me- I actually liked you.” Your voice was just above a whisper right now, and you refused to meet his eyes.

“I-” He stuttered, “Oh my god I’m so sorry-”

“It’s fine,” you waved him off, “Like you said we were young and dumb and it was so long ago, I just saw you as my brothers cool older friend.” You forced a laugh, busying your mouth with the rest of your waffle. An awkward silence settled over the two of you, it was almost too much too bear.

Oh god, this was a mistake, you should have kept your mouth shut. You shouldn’t have told him, why did you ever think that was a good idea?

“Uh- well forget about that,” you said, “I have to be home to help my mom with dinner.” He didn’t press any question, instead nodded, “Yeah, of course, I’ll drop you back.” His cheeks were a little flushed, the tips of his ears were bright red. 

The drive back was painfully silent, to say the least, none of you had anything to say. You played with your fingers, looking out the window at the scenery as it became more and more familiar. 

He pulled up in front of your house and you got out, shutting the door after you. You hesitated, before turning around and bending down to the window with a small smile on your face.

“Jaehyun?”

“Hmm?” He looked up at you, seemingly distracted and deep in thought. That was because of you, you knew, but it was okay.

“Thanks for the waffles.”

chapter nine: i’m staying at my parent’s house

“I read your book.”

Jaehyun looked to his side and at you, his attention settling on you from the movie. The three of you had been watching a late-night movie, but Johnny had fallen asleep midway, which was made very clear by the snoring. It was okay though, more popcorn for you.

While the movie was pretty interesting, it followed a generic plot, and even though talking seemed to be particularly dangerous when it came to you and Jaehyun, you indulged anyway.

Clearly, you were a slow learner.

“One of them,” you clarified, “The one about the fake dating?”

“Oh right! That one,” he said, voice softer than usual for the benefit of your brother. “It’s my latest one actually.”

You hummed, glancing at the TV. “I think it's so amazing how you can string words together like that. It was beautiful.” This was the truth, you had genuinely enjoyed it a little too much, more than you were willing to admit. “I also find it amazing how you already know what you’re doing with your life.”

He chuckled, tongue poking against the inside of his cheek. “You could say that.”

It sounded as if he was objecting to your statement. Clicking your tongue, you shook your head, “I could- like come on you knew when you were what, seventeen? Meanwhile, I’m here wondering what the fuck I’m doing.”

“That’s okay though, I guess I’ve just been pushed to figure stuff out.” He turned to face you properly, “But in truth, sometimes I wonder if this was the right thing for me.”

“What? Being a talented and best-selling author isn’t it?” You leaned forward from where you were sitting on the couch, reaching a hand out and curling your fingers into a fist to mimic a microphone. The sides of his mouth quirked upwards at this.

To your surprise, he raised his own hand, holding your wrist as if it was an actual microphone. Your eyes widened at this in surprise, heat rising to your face at the contact. Looking at him, you realized he was smirking and had to bite back the urge to scowl at him for being so infuriating.

“Well, I write love stories, and I’m going through a sort of block right now,” he said slowly, voice still soft, but his words seemed calculated. His eyes never left yours, keeping his gaze on you. It was a little intimidating if you were being honest.

It was something he seemed to like to do because he knew the effect he had on people. He liked to see their reactions when he pushed them a little, which was something you were extremely well versed with, and it still affected you.

“A block?”

“How do you write a love story when you’ve never been in a serious relationship? Making shit up gets old after a while.”

“So Mr. Bigshot didn’t have any lovers out there in the city?” You asked, not quite believing that statement. He scoffed, shaking his head.

“Don’t think hookups are valid.”

Now that was information you didn’t need, but you nodded anyways. He smiled, but something was off about it, it almost looked- scared? You weren’t quite sure, so you asked.

“You’re faking that smile, aren’t you?”

He licked his lips, “How did you know?” 

“If you pay attention to someone, you pick up the little things,” you shrugged, “Why?”

“I’m just,” he hesitated and shrugged like a little kid. “Sometimes I take a moment to realize I’ve made it, and then the next moments that follow are me figuring out how to keep it.” He sighed, “And with this whole block about my next book, it feels like it’s slipping away faster than I intended it to.”

Swallowing because your throat had suddenly gone dry under his gaze, you answered, “Well, you’ll figure it out. At least you have made it, I’m just floating.”

“I hope I do, I’ve never really failed at anything,” he admitted, “And what? You’re so talented, you’ll sort things out soon enough.”

You realized the two of you were still in that position, with his fingers curled around your wrist, barely a few centimeters away from his face. Flushing, you pulled away, rubbing your hand where he had held it.

“I actually have an interview on Friday,” you resumed eating your beloved popcorn, looking to the television again. “For that store beside the yogurt shop, you used to work at in high school, which by the way was the best job ever.”

“You only think that because I used to give you free froyo.”

“I never denied it, did I?”

Looking over to him, you kept up a serious front for a grand total of two minutes, before bursting into laughter, as did he. What followed was hushed whispers to keep it down considering it was late, but the smile on your face never dropped.

“Tell you what,” you started placing the bowl of popcorn to the side, “When you finish your next book, tell me. That way I have something to look forward too and you have someone to please.” He smiled, agreeing with this.

“I wouldn’t want to let you down, would I?”

chapter ten: dancing in your levis, drunk under a streetlight

Your town absolutely loved Halloween, it was a pretty big holiday that was always celebrated with pomp and cheer. Children dressed up, trick or treating was a must and the candy stores favored it too.

And at the end of it all, the Halloween festival took place, where the whole town came together for the celebrations. There was even a dance, which was all in good fun. You had missed the season here with your years away.

The summer had slipped away and before you knew it it was the day before the holiday, All Hallows Eve. You got that job at the store, but today in honor of the spooky season, you were let off work early so you could get ready.

Your costume was a simple one, a baby pink dress that had a few ruffles here and there along with sequins lining it, paired with those cheap fairy wings that are available in toy stores. A witch was a little too generic and overused even for you, 

Your makeup complimented the outfit, you kept it plain and natural because of the louder outfit. Deeming yourself presentable, you collected your things and walked out the door. You were alone since you were the only one left, the rest of your family were already present at the festival.

Except you weren’t alone because leaning against his car just outside your house was Jaehyun, dressed up as a vampire, fangs and all. You raised an eyebrow, walking down the steps towards him.

“Hey, Count Dracula.”

He smiled, which was a little odd since he had fangs poking out and onto his bottom lip (not that you were staring, “From Hotel Transylvania, in the flesh.”

“Oh? So then where your daughter old man?”

“Old man- daughter??”

You pat him on the shoulder, “Seems like you need to rewatch the movie dude.”

He rolled his eyes, “I’ve come to pick you up...what are you?” He frowned, eyes sweeping over your figure. You tutted disappointedly, shaking your head.

“It’s very sweet of you to wait for me Jae, but you couldn’t even figure out what I am?”

He whined, opening the door of the passenger seat for you and cocking his head to the side. “Focus on how sweet I am and tell me what you are.”

You smiled sweetly, getting into the car, ignoring the small warm feeling that was blooming in the pit of your stomach at the fact he waited for you. He shut the door, jogging over to the other side and getting into the driver’s seat. “I’m a fairy, dumbass.”

“Well, if it makes it better, you’re the prettiest fairy I’ve ever known.” He said this with a sing-song lilt to his voice and you leaned back in your seat, pressing your lips together and hoping the dark of the car hid your obvious flustered state with that statement of his.

“Just drive Mr. Vampire, we’re already late.”

“Blah blah blah blah,” he responded oh so maturely, using the signature line from the movie. Chuckling, you fiddled with the radio so it played a song you liked.

You reached the venue in a matter of minutes, the bright orange and brown colors popping. The place had been decorated wonderfully, and it brought back a sense of childish excitement in you. Part of you wanted to pick up one of the plastic pumpkin baskets and go around collecting an abundance of skittles.

Opening the door, you looked around with a wistful smile on your face. Turning around to look at Jaehyun, you gestured towards the festival.

“Come on, let’s go! I want to get as many bloody drinks that are available.”

You joined the rest of your family and friends, taking a bloody mary from one of the stalls. Ailiseu was dressed as a witch and Yuta was a cat, her ‘familiar as she called it. He seemed less than thrilled to be her cat, but with how he looked at her when she spoke about it and how excited she was, you speculated that it wasn’t all bad.

It was cute, seeing them together. Sometimes you couldn’t help but feel a tad jealous but then again, they probably made everyone and their third removed cousin feel single.

The night was lovely, lots of chatting and conversing with fellow residents of the town, some you had known since you were a child. You made sure to keep up the talking politely, even passing ways with the owner of the store you had taken an interview with.

Looking over your shoulder to locate the snack table, your eyes met with Jaehyuns briefly. You smiled softly, before saw the snacks, and decided that they were more important.

The night, all in all, was great, you received a lot of comments on your costume and danced with a few people, including your brother. After a bit, you decided you needed to get off your feet and took a seat at one of the tables.

You had almost forgotten how it felt to be a part of this community, to be with all these people you loved. With a start, you realized that you had been homesick, extremely homesick. Being back you hadn’t really figured it out until this moment. You had been visiting places of importance to you, only to see that things were so much more different than you expected them to be.

The tone of the evening changed as the music slowed down as the night progressed. Another thing you realized was how painfully alone you were, of course, Ailiseu made sure to drop by from time to time before getting whisked off with her boyfriend, your mother was busy dancing with your father and Johnny, well, you really couldn’t say much about him.

“Not much of a dancer?” 

You looked up to see Jaehyun there and scoffed, “Are you trailing me or something?”

He smirked, “Nah, just saw you sitting all mopey here so thought I’d try and help with that.” His hands were in his pockets as he stood there, towering over you since you were sitting. “Wanna dance?”

“Why would you ask me?” You raised an eyebrow, looking around, “You know there are about ten other girls waiting to catch your eye, right?”

“And? I’m asking you out of all of them. Also because you’re the only one I know.”

“Ah yes, telling someone they’re your pity dance and last resort is the way to win over a girl,” you quipped, amused as you got to your feet, “But sure, lead the way.”

You followed him, the both of you coming to a stop when you reached the spot on the floor. You placed your hand on his shoulder, and the other found his, fingers intertwining as he raised it. His other hand rested on your waist, a smile on his face.

“I took dance classes in college.”

“So then you should be able to make up for my nonexistent dancing skills,” you joked, slowly swaying with him to the music. He let out an amused sound, nodding slowly. 

“I suppose I’ll have to, though to be fair this is just basic prom shit, don’t you think?”

“Did you go to prom dressed as a vampire in Levis? And I didn’t go to senior prom,” you said, “The new Chis Hemsworth movie had come out and I had my priorities straight. That and the fact I didn’t have a date.” To this, he looked surprised, twirling you around.

“You? No date? That's impossible, who wouldn’t want to go to prom with you.” The two of you came back to your initial position. “So you didn’t get to do the whole getting your dress and stuff?”

“Mother goose was devastated that she couldn’t go dress shopping with me, but she quickly got over it and harassed Johnny instead. I’ll say it was a win.” You smirked triumphantly as you moved to the music. You giggled, causing him to smile and twirl you again. The song was coming to an end.

“Well, I think you would have looked lovely in a prom dress. If I wasn’t at college I would have asked you.”

The two of you came to a stop and you scoffed, “So is asking me to dance out of pity a thing you’re into or…..?”

“I mean it,” he said, giving you a pointed look, “I would have taken you. Not out of pity.” He squeezed your hand affectionately, “I think you would have looked breathtaking.” He sounded so sincere, that you were honestly surprised.

What surprised you more was the close proximity between your faces, he was just there. If you moved even a little forward, you would be able to kiss him. His eyes dropped to your lips for a moment, and that thought seemed a lot more enticing.

Then you did a double take- since when were you thinking about kissing Jaehyun? You took a step away from him, avoiding his eyes and pulling away. You had forgotten how easy it was to be sucked into his little world, into him. There was something absolutely magnetic about him, and for some reason, you seemed to the iron filings.

Like a moth to a flame. 

“T-thanks for the dance,” you managed to get out, “I’ll see you around.”

And with that the vampire watched the fairy leave.

chapter eleven: the lakes

“Do you enjoy seeing me squirm?”

The question was blunt and Jaehyun chuckled, turning into the street and seeing that it was deserted, went a little faster. A small amused smile settled on his lips as he looked at your indignant expression from the side of his eyes. “Maybe I do.”

You pressed your lips together, looking at the passing landscape through the window. These sudden impromptu outings were starting to become the new normal, he’d show up, and more often than not it was for you. You were sure Johnny was getting suspicious, but he had to work so until you had received a call from hopefully your new boss, this was the best way to fill in your time.

“So not even a hint?” 

“Nope,” he said, popping the p, “Don’t you like surprises?”

“Yeah, when I was like, twelve.” you snorted, “I swear I’ve been everywhere in town, so how come I don’t recognize the way?”

“You will when we reach. You’ve only been there once and that’s all the information I’ll be giving you.”

“Generous, and how do you know I’ve only been to this place once?” You shrugged off your jacket and folded it neatly, placing it on your lap. It was too hot outside for one anyways, but your mother had insisted. She was probably one of the reasons you still felt like a kid.

“I was the one who took you,” he said cockily, causing you to roll your eyes and cross your arms. God, he was just so annoying, and for some unknown reason, you liked it. You liked it a lot.

“You seem to be taking me to a lot of places recently,” you observed, looking over at him. His hair curled around his neck, in its naturally curly state, and a small smile playing on his lips as he drove.  “Why is that?”

“You asked me this the last time too, can’t you just accept that I want to spend time with you?” He glanced at you briefly, “We’re almost there, by the way.”

“Oh thank god, I thought this drive was never going to end.”

“Are you saying you’re tired of me?”

“Hey, you said it, not me,” you wiggled your eyebrows at him and he shook his head in amusement, pulling up to the side of the street. You got out of the car, realizing no one else was around, and turned to him, “Are you going to murder me in a deserted field or something? Because I would be missed.”

“Trust me a little, would you?”

“It’s good to be skeptical,” you walked around the car and to the side where he was standing. Cocking his head to the side, he gestured to the forest and began walking.

“What- we’re going into the forest? Dude, we could get killed!”

“By the frogs?”

“Oh fuck off,” you trudged after him, leaves crunching under your shoes. You looked around before your surroundings started to seem vaguely familiar. He turned around, a bright, dangerous looking grin on his face. Reaching a hand out, he glanced at it.

“You want me to hold your hand?”

“Just take it dammit.”

You obliged, and he pulled you along until you reached a small pathway. The two of you walked down it until you came to a little clearing that was extremely familiar. You let out a breath, turning to face him.

“You took me to-”

“The lake,” he finished for you, “I brought you here that summer, and you were absolutely mesmerized by the place, so I thought it would be fun to bring you back.” He smiled, taking some pride in the awestruck look in your eyes as you scanned the area.

“I remember,” you said softly, leaning against one of the barks of the trees. The scene that lay before you was stunning, the canopy and foliage of the trees towering over the place, ivy and moss covered the ground and in the middle of it, all was a lake.

“It’s been so long,” you looked back at him, and smiled, rolling your eyes when you saw him staring at you expectantly. “Fine, fine, I should have trusted you.”

“And-?” “Don’t push it,” you warned and he snickered, taping you abruptly on the shoulder, before turning on his heel and breaking into a run, “You’re it!”

“What- ARE WE TWELVE- JUNG JAEHYUN!”

You broke into a run since you had no other choice than to chase after him. He was surprisingly fast, but then again you remembered watching him play at his soccer games when you were fourteen. This proved to be a challenge for you, considering you were the one who had to run after him.

But if there was anything you loved, it was a challenge.

You picked up your own pace, reaching out so that the tips of your fingers brushed against his coat. You managed to grab it, tugging and effectively causing him to jerk and stumble on his feet. You grabbed his arm triumphantly, smirking.

“Caught you,” you tilted your head upwards, nose in the air in mock snobbery. You kept your expression blank for a few minutes, before bursting into laughter, as did he. You looked around, feeling like a child again, but in a good way. This type of feeling was something you treasured, a feeling you had once been used to.

“Thanks,” you said, looking at him, “For bringing me here. I think I needed it.”

“I had a feeling,” he took a few steps closer to you, studying the look on your face. You looked happy, content at the moment, and he liked it on you. Spending time with you made him think of that one summer when you seemed to always be like it. In fact, he had been thinking about that time a lot.

He genuinely did like your company, which is why he fooled around with you when he was eighteen. It seemed like there wasn’t much difference between him then and him now.

You flushed under his gaze, and then it clicked. There was something else about the lakes, the reason why you liked it so much and you had a slight feeling he knew why. You glanced down from his eyes to where his lips were, sucking in a deep breath.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you spoke, “You know, uh, this is also the place you-”

“I kissed you.”

He took another step forward and your breath hitched in your throat as stared at him. “I remember that.”

Your mind went into overdrive at the moment, seeing how close the two of you were, talking about that, you froze in place as the memory overtook you- well it would have, but before you knew it, his lips were on yours and you were sure it wasn’t recollection.

Jung Jaehyun was kissing you, and though it wasn’t for the first time, it still took your breath away. The kiss was slow and impossibly soft as if it was matching your surroundings. You kissed him back, eyes fluttering shut as you did so.

He pulled away, and you stood there, still feeling the ghost of his lips on yours, eyes still shut. A few seconds passed, but it seemed like an eternity to you as you tried to figure out what you felt. When you couldn’t however, you decided to follow the feeling instead. Maybe it was the memories, maybe it was the adrenaline from the running around, but your hands reached up, cupping his face to bring him back down to kiss you.

A familiar touch, one you were used to. His hands settled on your waist, tugging you closer as his mouth moved against yours. He was so gentle as if he was afraid he would break you. It was just how you remembered it to be.

And you couldn’t think of anything else, it was like he had claimed all of your senses and instructed them to focus on him and him only. You were acutely aware of his thumb rubbing circles on your waist through the fabric of your shirt, the way his lips were warm against your own, and how he held you as if you were made of glass.

Then he stopped kissing you, pushing some hair out of your face as you looked at him, cheeks burning, but a starstruck look in his eyes. He smiled softly.

“Still the place I kissed you.”

chapter twelve: surprise shawty

You got the job at the store, having received a class from the owner telling you you had to report at eight in the morning on Monday. It was not that different from the job you had taken up during college, which was at a cafe. Here, you didn’t have to make any drinks, seriously the number of times you had ruined pieces of clothing you loved was too many to count.

Standing behind the check-out counter you scrolled through Instagram. You thought it would be a lot busier, but so far only two people came in, and one walked out without even buying anything (which you could respect). To put it plainly, the job was uneventful.

But that didn’t matter, what mattered was you were getting paid.

You saw a few of your friend’s posts, double-tapping the screen and scrolling immediately past. They all seemed to know what they were doing with their life, with set careers and paths they were to take, while you were sitting behind a counter, watching it unfold before your eyes. 

Part of you wondered if you’d ever find something you truly loved to do. If you’d ever figure out what you wanted in and from life. It wasn’t a crime to be confused, but it wasn’t all that fun either. Sure, you could just pursue music, which was your major back in University, but that industry was extremely hard, and not everyone made it. Hence the term ‘starving artists’.

You propped your elbow up on the counter, resting your chin on the palm of your hand as you clicked on the explore page, picking a post that caught your eye and continued with your cycle of scrolling. It wasn’t like you had anything better to do anyway, this had to be the calmest job you had ever worked.

So engrossed in your activity, you didn’t notice the doors open. Jaehyun saw you sitting there, and walked over, leaning against the counter.

“So could you help me find something?”

You snapped your head up, ready to jump into the two-liner about welcoming the customer to the store that you had been instructed to say when you realized it was him. You got to your feet, switching your phone off and raising an eyebrow.

“And what could you be looking for?”

“Ramen. And wondering if you have a break soon.” He grinned and you shrugged, pointing to where the ramen could be prepared. 

“I’ve been on break for the last three hours,” you filled him in, walking out from behind the counter. “I assume you want to eat together or something, but be warned, I’m not sharing.”

“Who said anything about sharing?” He looked positively scandalized at the prospect of having to give you some of his precious ramen. You snorted, taking two of those prepared bowls of ramen down from a shelf, placing it under the water, and waiting for it to cook.

A few minutes later the two of you were back at the counter, but this time with food. It was comfortable, which was honestly a little surprising. The kiss at the lake that day hadn’t been the last between the two of you, and it was like being seventeen again. Except for this time, he asked you to be his girlfriend.

That alone was enough to throw you off- it couldn’t have been a prank right? But when you saw the genuine look in his eyes, you knew it wasn’t. You couldn’t help but feel special all over again, just like you had all those years ago. 

This time, it seemed like he actually liked you, and you definitely couldn’t deny the revival of your crush on him during your time back home. Hey, that wasn’t your fault, he had been the one being all nice and taking you places. What girl wouldn’t appreciate that?

“So how’s your first day on the job?” He asked, looking up from his noodles. You finished chewing your bite, raising your wrist to your mouth to cover it as you answered.

“Pretty good, better now that you’re here.”

“And she’s a flirt? You surprise me every day.” You elbowed him in the side, causing him to let out what could only be defined as a squawk of exaggerated pain. The sound was enough to make you stare at him in mild horror.

“What the hell was that sound?” You exclaimed, scooting as far as you could from him.

“It’s my laugh.” “That was a laugh? Oh hell no, that was a dying chicken.”

“Dying- Don’t even start, I’ve heard the sound you make every time you see puppies.” He pointed out, brandishing the disposable fork in your direction. You rolled your eyes, pushing it away.

“That is different, those are puppies. I’m seriously reconsidering this relationship.”

“OVER MY LAUGH?” “From now on I’ll be the one laughing for the both of us, “ you patted him on the head affectionately, “You just stick to the silent hot guy laugh.”

He cocked an eyebrow, smirking slightly. “So I’m hot now?” “Don’t push it.”

~

Seeing his baby sister and best friend lip-locked did not bode well with Johnny.

It was an accident, really, the two of you had been planning to keep everything on the down-low for a bit, until of course, Jaehyun accidentally kissed you before walking away, leaving you with a very distraught older brother.

Jaehyun turned on his heel, wincing, “Uh-”

Considering he hadn’t even known about the summer, this was a big shock. He stood there gaping, looking from you to Jaehyun. You panicked for a minute, getting up from where you were sitting and walking over to him. “Hey uh, I can explai-”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how Johnny Suh found out you were in a relationship.

A relationship, yes that would be the term. After the second first kiss you had with Jaehyun, he took you on a date a few days later and you earned the title of girlfriend. Thinking about it made you a little giddy, in a good way. Never in a million years you would have thought you’d end up in this position.

Now, it would be an understatement if one said he handled it badly. To put it mildly, all hell broke loose at that moment.

You were his little sister, he knew every single thing about you, and to see you with no less than the boy he knew since he was ten? How did that happen? When did that happen and why in all that was good and holy was it happening?

“Shhh,” you shushed, squishing your brother’s face between your hands, “It’s not a big deal! We’ve only been going out for a month.”

“A month!!”

“We haven’t done anything,” you promised, to which Jaehyun clicked his tongue.

“We’ve kissed”

Johnny’s eyes grew wide, and you threw your boyfriend a dirty look, playfully slapping his arm. “Jae?”

“Mmhm?”

“Shut up.”

“Shutting up.”

Turning back to your brother, you smiled sheepishly. He sighed, putting his hand over yours and bringing it down. “I just need a little time to adjust to….this.”

“I couldn’t tell,” Jaehyun said dryly and you scowled at him, pointing to the door of the living room, signaling for him to leave. He tried to protest, but with one glare from you, he surrendered.

“Thought he was shutting up,” you muttered, “And hey, take all the time you need. I get that this is a little, well, out of the blue.”

“Blue? It’s fucking red.” The sides of his mouth drooped downwards as he looked at you. “I just...wish you told me. I would have never seen this coming, I mean- you and Jaehyun? Since when?”

“Since last month,” you pat him on the shoulder, “And I get that, but hey, nothing has really changed, I’m still your sister.” You smiled, “I’m sorry for not telling you when it happened. But you can’t tell anyone.”

“What? Why?” “Because we just want to keep it quiet for now, okay? It’s still very new, so please?”

Johnny sighed and nodded, engulfing you in a hug. You wanted to keep it quiet so you could get used to it yourself. Nevertheless, there was something comforting about your brother knowing, it made it feel a little more real.

“So Jaehyun, huh?”

chapter thirteen: tis’ the damn season

December welcomed the winter season with open arms, marking two months of your relationship with Jaehyun. At this point, one other person knew about it, that person being Ailiseu. She didn’t seem against it but told you to be careful once again, before rattling on about double dates.

“Hand me the cocoa powder,’ you instructed, stirring the pot you had on the stove that was filled with milk. He obliged, picking up the box and holding it out to you. Making sure it was the unsweetened one, you let your spoon rest on the side with a soft ‘clink’, opening it and taking three spoonfuls out. Putting it into the milk you pushed it to the side and resumed your stirring.

The tradition of you making your famous hot cocoa was one that you had missed out on with your years away at college. Ever since you were ten you were the one who would be in charge of the comforting drink, and so this time you decided to drag Jaehyun along with you.

“I always add a little cream,” you informed him, leaving the boiling mixture for a moment and walking to the fridge, taking the very product out of it. 

“Interesting,” he said, watching what you did carefully, “You know when I’m in the kitchen, I usually help with the actual cooking and don’t just stand around.”

“Well you’re in my kitchen, well, my mothers, and I just need you to do as I say,” you poured some of the creams into the pot, adding a tablespoon of sugar and combined it all together. “And what you can do right now is talk to me while I make the cocoa.”

He rolled his eyes, leaning against the countertop, “Fine, did you hear Taeyong was back in town?”

“Yes actually, Ailiseu told me he came back for Christmas like usual. Is his friend with him?”

Jaehyun shook his head, “It’s a little surprising honestly since they’re usually always together. I met with him yesterday and he didn’t want to talk about it, but I think he misses her.”

You blinked, “That is surprising, I wonder what happened between the two of them.”  The conversation fell into silence for a moment, before you remembered about your drink, stirring it one last time and lifting the wooden spoon. Holding the palm of your hand underneath, you blew on it a little before calling him to taste it.

He obliged, taking a step forward and you brought the tip of the spoon to his lips, tilting it slightly upwards. He slurped some of it, pulling a face because of how hot it was, and fanned his hand in front of his mouth. 

“So? How is it?” You asked and he winced as if debating his choices. Then, he started very carefully.

“Do you want me to be honest?”

It was your turn to frown and you nodded, putting the spoon back in the pot. He licked his lips, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but um-”

“But what?” You narrowed your eyes at him and he shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. It seemed as if he was trying to avoid telling you what he was thinking. “It sucks.”

“Excuse me?” You asked, eyes widening at the harsh feedback. He grimaced, glancing at the pot of your cocoa. 

“I’m sorry! I’m just telling you the truth- like sure it tastes good it’s chocolate! Chocolate always tastes good but it just ends at that.” He looked around, opening a cupboard and taking out another chocolate bar, one that was different from the chocolate you used.

You weren’t the best at cooking, but this hot cocoa was the one thing you were actually good and, and this bitch had the audacity to trample all over it? You should have been irritated, but instead, you just stood there, watching as he broke a few pieces of the chocolate and put it into the pot. 

“You got any vanilla extract?”

Wordlessly, you pointed to another cupboard, and he navigated his way over there, taking the small bottle out and using a teaspoon to add some in. 

“I always use double chocolate when I make cocoa,” he said, “And vanilla gives it a little bit of a kick. Since you already added sugar earlier, thats one less step.”

This time he held it out for you to taste. Reluctantly, you obliged, taking the spoon from him and taking a sip from it. With the few extra ingredients he had added, it tasted extremely different, in a way that did not benefit you at all. Why? 

It was fucking delicious.

But if he thought you were going to admit that, he was up for a surprise. You swallowed it along with your initial reaction, pulling the spoon in the pot and clearing your throat.

“It’s okay.”

It was as if he could see right through your half-hearted lie and smirked. Suddenly the kitchen seemed to be ten times hotter than it was- your mother really should have taken your suggestion of putting a fan there into consideration.

“Just okay?”

“Mhmm,” you hummed uncomfortably, shifting on your feet and turning away from him so your back faced him. He clicked his tongue.

“You love it, don’t you?”

It was annoying, just how perfect he was. Scoffing, you shook your head and lied through your teeth, “Nope, it’s just meh.” You poured yourself a glass of water as if to accentuate your previous statement. “I put in”

“The secret ingredient? Let me guess, it’s love!” He mocked your voice, going higher in pitch. Placing your cup down, you hit the backside of his head playfully and glared at him. 

“Now you’ll never know, and you’re not getting any of that ingredient either.” You brought out a few mugs for the rest of your family, “We should serve it.”

Jaehyun took the pot off the heat, placing it down next to where you had kept the mugs. He seemed to be amused by your curt responses. “Come on, just give it another taste, I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Sighing, you turned to him, pressing your lips together in a complacent manner. You knew he was competitive, but you had never thought that he would actually want you to say he was better. “Fine,” you agreed reluctantly, making a move to pick the spoon up before you were caught off guard.

Jaehyun had pressed his lips to yours, and you could just about make out the sweet taste of chocolate on them amidst the shock of the sudden kiss. Honestly, this man was getting more and more irritatingly swoon-worthy than you were willing to admit.

He pulled away, a shit-eating grin on his face when he saw the startled look on yours, and then as if nothing happened, started pouring the drink into the cups.

“Bet you like it now.”

He let everybody believe it was your recipe. 

~

Jaehyun leaned back in his seat, staring at the journal in front of him. He was sitting at his old desk in his childhood bedroom, playing with the pen in his hand.

Christmas was just about over, maybe a half an hour more for it to be the twenty-sixth. His family had celebrated with yours instead of going to the party that was held at the town square near the school. 

The book that sat on the desk was leatherbound, and a present from you. “Since you had writer’s block, I thought you’d like to start afresh. And this reminded me of you,” you said with a smile, handing the wrapped gift to him.

Smiling softly, he opened it, pressing down the middle to straighten out the spine of the book. It had been a long time since he physically wrote anything out since nowadays he usually stuck to typing. It made it easier for his editors and everyone else as well.

Still, nothing could beat the smell of a new book.

Picking up the pen once more, he looked over the pages, and something clicked inside of him. A new start, one that was different, this time he would be putting pen to paper. The urge to write overcame him and he placed the nib down.

Inspiration truly was a funny thing, and even at that moment he didn’t quite know how to define it, but at twelve in the morning, it struck him. Words melted into the paper like paint strokes from an artist’s brush, and for once he wasn’t really thinking about a plot he had set in place. This time he wrote whatever he thought of.

For the longest time, Jaehyuns imagination had been his muse, the one thing he could always fall back on when it came to creating his work. It was the only thing he could fall back on, simply because most of his stories were fabrications of his mind. He wrote what he thought people wanted and were often right.

He wrote about love even though he didn’t know a single thing that said emotion. He wrote about what he thought love was, his idea of it.

Some writers would say he was lucky he could just think up a plot to his next best-selling book, to just know what worked and how to make it realistic. He did too, at first, until he realized that there was only so much he could imagine.

But at that moment as he scribbled away, he didn’t think too much about it. He didn’t think too much because this time he had an inkling of an idea, this time what he was writing happened to be the start of something real.

And this time, he had a different muse.

chapter fourteen: left you out there standing

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Yuta complained, groaning as he took a seat on the first bench he saw. Ailiseu rolled her eyes, sitting down next to him with a bright smile on her face which rivaled the sun itself ,and also opposed the traumatized one on his.

“Suck it up you big baby,” she taunted, “That was the best roller coaster I’ve ever been on.”

“Yeah? So did you like the part where we tried to defy physics and the concept of gravity or the part where we were almost catapulted out of our seats?”

“Both of those topped you screaming in my ear and making me go temporarily deaf,” she quipped just as quickly, “We should go get some cotton candy.”

“So my throw-up is pink?”

“They have light blue coloured candy too!” And with that, she had already gotten up and was making her way to the cotton candy stall. Shaking his head, Yuta got to his feet and followed her, slipping a hand into his pocket to make sure the box hadn’t fallen out during the rollercoaster ride.

He had taken her out on a date to the amusement park and knew it had been a good idea when her eyes had lit up like a kid in a candy store. So far, Ailiseu had managed to convince him into riding several different roller coasters that each looked like another step into the underworld for him.

This was the third date he had taken her on in which he had been carrying around the damn ring, and he still hadn’t found the perfect moment to ask her- that and because he kept forgetting.

“I kind of want a mix of blue and pink,” she wondered aloud, before telling it to the stall vendor. All or nothing was always the case. “Hey Yu, wanna share?”

She turned to him, the nickname slipping off her tongue easily. He always loved it when she called him that, and nodded immediately, “Yeah sure.”

And a few minutes later, she held a large stick of cotton candy, which was in the colours of pink, blue, and when those parts overlapped, a little bit of purple. The smile on her face was enough to make him smile, and he tore a little piece off, biting into it. 

It melted on his tongue, the oversweet taste making him wince a little bit. Ailiseu on the other hand seemed overjoyed at the treat, some of the candy sticking to her chin unbeknownst to her. It was as if she wasn’t that perfect, but to him, it only enhanced the trance she seemed to have put on everyone.

“Let’s go on something simple next,” she said, almost out of pity for her boyfriend, considering she had forced him on the rides he wasn’t particularly thrilled about. “The carousel?”

“As long as there aren’t any twists and turns, I’m good with it.” Even though he thought it was too sweet, he stole some more anyways. It was addictive like that.

The evening passed like most of the ones they spent together, time always seemed to move a little faster around Ailiseu. It was like he was chasing time itself for moments with her, but he regretted nothing. 

With carousels and Ferris wheels, Yuta briefly wondered if the setting was a little too childish, thinking about how he’d just have to wait for another date to try again. He wanted things to be perfect, after all and would wait until it was.

The drive home was filled with laughter and chattering- she always had been one to talk a lot. Her words somehow always managed to brighten up every situation, as did her smile. At least, they definitely brightened up his.

“We’re here,” he said, pulling up into the driveway of her house and parking the car. She nodded, pecking his cheek, and got out of the car. Watching her walk away made him realize something.

Yuta didn’t ever want to see her walk away, and though he had tolerated it for the past two dates in search of that perfect moment, he just couldn’t do that anymore. There would never be a perfect moment, he would have to simply create it, or would have to let her disappear behind her door once again.

He quickly got out of the car himself, walking up to where she was on the landing of her house. The night air had a chill to it as he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

“Hey, um.” 

“Huh? Is there something wrong?” Ailiseu asked, turning on her heel. Her brow furrowed in concern as she took a step closer to him and further away from her door. That was another thing he loved about her, the way she was always ready to help, or always looking out for everyone else.

“No,” he started, voice coming out higher than usual. He shut his eyes for a moment, before clearing his throat and continued, “Actually yes, well not really there’s nothing wrong in particular but-”

She smiled at his words, which he was clearly overthinking about. It was endearing. She reached a hand out and taking his in her own, squeezing it gently. “Hmm?��

He sucked in a deep breath, and with the hand that was in his pocket, he curled his fingers around the box, bringing it out but not quite showing it off just yet. Her eyes were alight with curiosity, a glint in them as she stared at his enclosed fist and back at his face.

It was now or never.

He brought it out in front of the two of them, opening it so that she could see the ring. Her eyes widened, and her lips parted in a mixture of awe and shock as she watched him get down on one knee.

It was everything a girl could have wanted, something straight out of a fairytale. Every little girl’s dream, to find her prince charming and be whisked off with her glass slippers, seven dwarfs in a hut in the woods, or a true loves kiss. Seven-year-old Ailiseu would have been absolutely ecstatic.

Yuta certainly did look like a prince, his longish red hair falling in front of his face, eyes searching her face for any sign of an answer. Then as if someone had flipped a switch, he realized he hadn’t even asked,

“Zhong Ailiseu,” he said, voice low and a little shaky, “I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone, even more than my hair,” he threw the joke in as if to lighten the mood. Normally she would have laughed, or at least spared him a giggle, but she was frozen, staring down at the man.

“Yuta,” she whispered, sounding so uncertain of herself that it scared her. This was madness, she had to be dreaming. After all, this was every little girl’s dream. At one point it had also been her own.

This was everything a girl could have wanted, and it should have been everything she wanted and yet, all she could do at the moment was panic. Her mouth went dry as she tried to think straight but to no avail.

“Ailiseu, will you marry me?”

~

Four words.

They were four small words, eighteen little letters that absolutely shattered her world. 

Two minutes later she was back inside her house, five minutes later staring at herself in the mirror in her room. Ten minutes later it finally sunk in, the reality of her situation and what she had done- or rather, what she hadn’t done.

Fifteen minutes later she was crying, the perfect evening had turned into a nightmare of a night. It felt like all her fault, and she felt the worst she had in a long time.

Yuta had asked her to marry him, something she definitely wasn’t expecting. She loved him, she really did, but it was just so sudden, she couldn’t register it.

Now, what happened before she was back in her house?

She stared at the ring, knowing that the right word would be ‘yes’, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to say it. It was the good thing to say, the one everybody wanted to hear, but it wasn’t the right word, at least not for her.

“No.”

“W-what?” Yuta spluttered, almost dropping the ring, “Ai-”

“This is a joke right?” She asked, voice trembling, “Yuta I-”

He got to his feet, standing up to his full height, “This isn’t a joke? Ali I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he said, the nickname suddenly sounding bitter as his voice took a turn for sad, but also earnest. He was trying to prove it to her.

“Rest of it? Yuta our lives have just begun, we’ve just graduated I-,” she shut her eyes, before opening them, turning around and pinching the bridge of her nose. “I can’t say yes, I can’t get married?” It ended like a question as if she was asking herself if she had made the right decision. 

A few hours ago, the only decisions she had been subjected to were those about rides and the type of snacks she wanted. This was just too big a jump, and far too overwhelming for her.

“I-I’m sorry I just can’t,” she whispered, staggering backward and leaning against the outside wall of the house. “I don’t understand Yuta this- you couldn’t have taken this seriously right? We’re so young.”

Yuta looked so broken right then that she wanted to backtrack, to take back everything she had just said. She wanted to erase the night from her memory completely, to turn back time and say it never happened in the first place.

“Fuck, thats not what I meant,” she hissed, and he shook his head, pocketing the ring box. “Baby I-”

“I know what you meant,” he cut her off coldly, “I get it. Sure.”

She sighed, “Yuta we don’t have to think so much about the future right now.” It was frustrating, trying to explain her point of view without hurting him. “What matters is the now.”

“It doesn’t since you don’t even think our relationship is serious,” he said, refusing to look at her. 

“You couldn’t have expected to meet the one so soon? Yuta it makes no sense no one finds their forever straight out of college thats impossible! You didn’t think-”

“I did,” he said, shutting his eyes and looking up, clenching his jaw. “Now I’m not so sure.”

Those words were like a knife to her gut, it only made her feel worse. How had things gone so wrong so fast? If it had been chilly before, it was freezing now, but maybe that wasn’t because of the weather.

“I- this was just bad timing come on Yu, this doesn’t have to be all or nothing,” she pleaded, pulling her sweater tighter around herself, “Right?”

“Ali I love you, but-”

“I love you too, and this isn’t just about you,” she snapped, before apologizing immediately after, “I’m sorry, I just can’t, please tell me this doesn’t mean anything.”

He scoffed, “Goodbye Ailiseu.”

It wasn’t fair, he wasn’t being fair to her, and yet she felt guilty for it. She felt guilty because even though he was being unreasonable, she could tell he was hurt. She felt guilty because she was the one who hurt him, even though it was hurting her just the same.

She didn’t wait, as soon as he said that she opened the door and walked into the house, some stupid pride of hers refusing to let him see her cry. She supposed it was that same pride that made him refuse to think about anything more than what he thought was right.

Half an hour later, Zhong Ailiseu had successfully cried herself to sleep.

chapter fifteen: i saw you dance with him

When Jaehyun walked into the store on Wednesday with a Mcdonald’s bag in his hand, you were sure that nothing could have made him any more perfect than this. It was another uneventful workday, and the fact he had brought you lunch? Spectacular.

The icing on the cake was the fact that he had even gotten the peri-peri fries without you even having to ask. Johnny used to-and still did- forget about that all the time, and here he was, with the goods.

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” You asked, opening the spice packet and emptying it into the shaker bag. He grinned that boyish one you so loved, shrugging mischievously. Raising an eyebrow, you took a step away from the counter and began aggressively shaking the bag.

“You’ll find out when we’re done here.”

Taking a fry out of the bag, you hummed, biting down into it and savouring the spicy taste. “So basically you’re bribing me with lunch?”

“Basically.”

Another fry. “Well you certainly know the way into a girl's heart,” you quipped dryly. 

Within a few minutes, you had finished the lunch he had gotten you. While you had been flattered and impressed with the effort, you weren’t impressed when he stole some of it from himself. You shared a trait with Joey Tribbiani from ‘Friends’ and it was the fact that you did not appreciate sharing your food.

Once you were done, however, he managed to convince you to close the store for a little bit so he could take you somewhere, though you were not sure where to. Ushering you into his car, he instructed you to ignore the garment bag hanging in the back.

That piqued your interest in the item even more, and you would occasionally glance at it through the rearview mirror, wondering what it could possibly hold.

Jaehyun had taken a liking to surprising you, the way your face would light up made it all worth it, and this time he was sure nothing could ever top it. He had thought about it for a while now and decided it was the one thing you would truly never see coming.

He pulled up to a diner, parking and getting out of the car. Retrieving the garment bag from the back, he handed it to you and told you to try and keep it off the ground. Then, he took your hand in his and led you inside the diner.

The diner was empty, there wasn’t even anyone behind the counter. This only made you suspicious, and for a moment you wondered if this was how you were going to die.

“There’s a surprise inside,” he said, eyes sparkling, “Go change in the bathroom.”

Bewildered out of your mind, you obliged, walking to the back and into a stall. Unzipping the bag, your eyes widened when what was left in your hands was possibly the most gorgeous dress you had ever seen in your entire life. 

It was a pale blue colour, the fabric was delicate and airy. The top was sleeveless, with two straps connecting the front to the behind, adorned in lace of the same colour. It blended into the skirt part of the dress seamlessly, ruffles falling prettily around the underlayer. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in, examining the dress.

Was this for you?

He had told you to get changed- but for what? The piece of clothing that you held seemed too beautiful for you to wear, it belonged in a display case in your opinion. Definitely not with you, but you quickly changed into it, remembering that Jaehyun was standing outside.

What on earth was going on? What was he planning? Questions hovered around in your mind but vanished the moment you walked out of the stall and saw yourself in the mirror that panned out on the other side of the wall. The clothes you had been wearing hung from your forearm, but you looked absolutely stunning. The dress fit you perfectly, almost as if it had been made just for you.

Once you had emerged out into the front, you saw Jaehyun waiting there, an awestruck sigh escaping his lips when he set his eyes on your figure. He had discarded the denim jacket he had been wearing, leaving him in a black dress shirt and dark blue jeans. A light blue flower was pinned to his chest pocket and you realized it was a corsage.

“You look…...wow,” he said, sounding a little breathless. You couldn’t help the smile that blossomed on your face, resting a hand on your hip as you asked.

“You look pretty wow yourself Jung, mind explaining what this all is?”

He took a few steps closer to where you were, taking something out of his pocket and taking your hand in his. It turned out to be a ribbon, with the same flowers that were pinned to his pocket on it: your corsage.

“You didn’t get to go to prom so,” he tied the ribbon around your wrist, making sure it wasn’t too tight, “I decided to give you the experience”

He looked up from tying the knit, a small triumphant smile playing on his lips. Intertwining your fingers, he dragged you to the middle of the diner. It was only then you realized that along with the place being empty, the tables had been cleared out to the side.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, and his hands rested on your waist. Then he froze, before letting out an embarrassed sound, taking his phone out of his pocket and opening Spotify, playing a playlist he had put together, which was something he had evidently forgotten to do.

“Right,” he muttered, “Now we can dance.”

Perfect by Ed Sheeran came on, and the two of you swayed to the music. He had really taken the effort to do all of this for you, down to choosing cheesy songs as well. It was endearing, and the fuzzy warm feeling in your stomach had decided to make it their new home.

“How did you manage to do this?” You asked, and he made a zipping motion. 

“A magician never reveals his secrets.”

You raised an eyebrow and he sighed, “Fine, your mom helped me with the dress, and the owner of this diner is an old friend of mine.”

You hummed, “Thank you.”

There was no one else around, so it was a rather lonely prom, but to you it was perfect. In the old diner, with muffled music playing, you would have ignored the Chris Hemsworth movie if this was what you would have gotten all those years ago.

It felt a lot like you were in high school once again, still in love with Jung Jaehyun, and that was the realization that shook your entire world at that moment as you danced with him. It felt the exact same, the way your heart was in your throat, how you couldn’t stop smiling,

You were in love with Jung Jaehyun all over again.

“Told you,” he said out of the blue, to which you frowned in confusion.

“Told me what?”

“Told you I’d go to prom with you.”

chapter sixteen: countdown

Ten minutes.

It was 11:50, December 31st, and just ten minutes left for the new year. The party was underway, held at the hotel as usual. It was the only one in your hometown, so most of the events were held there.

You had snacked up on the appetizers that the caterers were handing out, talking with a few old friends, and looking around for Ailiseu. She should have been here with Yuta, but you couldn’t spot her anywhere.

She hadn’t even picked up your calls that night, in fact, you hadn’t heard from her for a while now. You couldn’t help but get a little worried, but you figured the two of them were spending the new years together or something of the sort.

The music died down as the DJ announced that there were only five minutes left for midnight and you looked around to try and find Jaehyun. You were acutely aware of the fact that it was the first time you were ever going to have a kiss at midnight.

Well, your first time for a proper kiss of course, when you were little your parents would kiss your cheeks and foreheads for good measure, and you would hug Johnny. At college you dated a guy for a little, but it didn’t last longer than four months and New Years Day did not fall in between those four months.

Three minutes.

You finished off the last few sips of the drink one of the waiters had given you, placing it down on the table, and spotted the boy you had been trying to find, walking over. He was talking to an old friend of yours, one that came back to town during the Christmas Holidays.

“Taeyong!’ You called out, earning a smile from the boy, who gave you a side hug. Exchanging greetings and such, you turned to Jaehyuns side. He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and you subconsciously leaned into his embrace.

“You two huh?” He raised an eyebrow, a smile tugging at his lips, “I suppose I should leave you two alone since there is,” he glanced at his watch, hair falling in front of his eyes. “About a minute before midnight.”

“Unless you want to see us make out- Ow!” Jaehyun jerked away from your touch when you elbowed him in the side, shaking your head at his antics. 

“Wheres your lucky girl?” You asked, regretting that statement almost immediately when Taeyong’s smile faltered. He forced a laugh, taking a swig of his drink and shrugging. 

“She’s my imaginary friend,” he said, trying to pull it off as a joke. Scratching the beck of his neck awkwardly he took a step back, “See ya.”

He walked off, and you were just about to ask Jaehyun what was up with him before the countdown for midnight begun. The music died down as people counted, and you joined in the fun.

Ten.

“So, another year huh,” he asked and you nodded, turning to face him properly.

Nine.

“I’ll be looking forward to seeing your new book coming out,” you winked, talking much louder over all the chattering.

Eight.

He laughed, a sound you could barely hear, but you could see it and it was just as beautiful. His nose scrunched up, lips quirking upwards and dimples showing. The best part about it was the fact that it was because of you, it was directed at you and you were the reason he was smiling like that.

Seven.

“Maybe,” he said, “Let’s hope I finish it, huh?”

Six.

“Yeah,” you agreed, “I know you will. You’re the best writer I know.” You declared this confidently, before thinking about it for a moment. “Actually, you’re the only writer I know.”

Five.

“True,” he took a step closer to you, “So that makes me the best anyways, huh?”

Four.

You hummed, looking straight at him. He brought a hand up to cup your face, brushing his thumb over your cheekbone.

Three.

He kissed your right cheek and you giggled, pulling away from his touch. This resulted in him pulling you back.

Two.

A kiss on your left cheek.

One.

A kiss on your lips, soft and gentle, like a warm hug that made you smile into it. Cheers erupted all around you as people clapped and kissed, and the clock hit midnight.

Happy new year.

~

A day later, Ailiseu showed up at your doorstep. For the first time in all your years of knowing her, she didn’t look perfect, far from it in fact. She looked broken, shattered even.

You said nothing, wordlessly leading her to your room and taking her into your arms. You asked no questions, you didn’t pry for any information. She cried and you let her cry, because even though you didn’t know exactly what had happened, you knew she needed to let it out.

There was something about her at that moment that reminded you all too much of how you were when Jaehyun had broken your heart. That something made you very well akin to what she needed at the moment, which was comfort.

You knew then that she hadn’t spent New Years with Yuta.

chapter seventeen: we never painted by the numbers baby

When you were younger, your parents used to tell you you were an easily distracted child. Simple things like a clock ticking could break you out of your focus, and it would take a miracle for it to return.

And distractions came in different forms, someone interrupting you while you did something, an irritating noise, or a certain Jung Jaehyun trying to get your attention.

You were sitting on his bed in his room, reading a book that wasn’t his. Now, maybe he was jealous you were giving your attention to another writer’s words or was just being The Annoying Boyfriend (patent pending), but he was trying his best to distract you.

The reason you had chosen to hang out in his room was that you thought he wouldn’t be such a distraction. You thought it would be a peaceful evening, just enjoying each other’s company, but clearly, that wasn’t what he had wanted.

“Just one more page,” you mumbled out, turning the page. He whined like the three-year-old he was- debatable- rolling onto his back and staring up at you through his hair.

“You’ve been saying that for the last three pages.”

“I’m at a good part, and aren’t you supposed to support people reading?”

“When it’s my book? Sure, but you\ve been at a good part for so long. You’ll be at the good part when you go back to reading it too,” he insisted, propping himself up on his elbow.

“I took an all-nighter reading your book, so you can bear with this,” you retorted but shut the book anyway because you knew that you were now successfully distracted. There was no going back to your former state of solitude.

He smiled sweetly because he knew he had won. You huffed, looking around the room and spotting the journal you gave him for Christmas sitting on his desk. You hoped off the bed, walking to it and picking it up.

“You started using the journal! Can I read what you’ve-”

“Nope,” he snatched it out of your hands, “Not until I’m done.” He held it above his head, far away and out of your reach. You pouted, pulling your best puppy eyes in an attempt to persuade him.

“Pleeaaaasseee?”

“Nope,” he said, a smirk on his face, “Have a little patience will you?”

It felt like a challenge, one you took on almost immediately. Steadying yourself by placing a hand on his shoulder, you attempted to jump to catch the journal. He took a step backward, the back of his knees hitting the bed, causing him to sit down on the edge.

This also caused you to fall onto him, straight onto his lap. Your eyes widened when you took note of the position the two of you were in. It didn’t seem to phase him, however, instead, the cocky expression on his face only grew. Placing the book to the side, his hands fell onto your waist as he looked at your lips unabashedly.

“Hey.”

“H-hey,” you managed to stammer out, suddenly flustered. He pushed some hair out of your face, cupping your cheek and pulling you down to kiss him.

Your lips fit perfectly against his, like puzzle pieces finally finding their places. Your fingers found their place in his hair, tugging lightly as you tilted your head slightly to kiss him better. 

You had kissed him several times before, but there was something different about it this time. His mouth felt hot against yours, fingers skirting under the hem of your shirt and slipping under. You shivered at the contact, but it only made you pull him closer to you.

He pulled away, then kissed you again and again, until you had lost count of how much he had kissed you. You were drunk on his touch, truly and completely intoxicated with the way his lips moved against yours.

What had you been doing before this? You didn’t remember and you didn’t care, because all you could think about at that moment was Jaehyun. He had taken over your senses, which you supposed was his goal from the start.

He kissed the side of your mouth like a tease, and then your jaw, pressing butterfly kisses down your neck. You were positively dizzy at the sensation, but you didn’t care. Now that you had had a taste, you never wanted him to stop.

You dropped your head to his shoulder, breathing going heavy at every little thing he was doing. You definitely weren’t thinking straight anymore, but you didn’t quite mind it. Your fingers fisted the material of his shirt, ducking and capturing his lips again, almost desperately.

He groaned, and his hands were now on your back. The two of you couldn’t have possibly gotten any closer, your bodies were already touching and you whimpered, eyes fluttering open for just a minute to look at him.

He stared back at you with a half-lidded gaze, one that made butterflies erupt in your stomach. Licking his lips, he searched your eyes for an answer to his silent question, and you nodded softly, wrapping your legs around his waist. 

His mouth was back on yours, and it was not the first, but definitely one of the many that took place through the night, his hands on your body and his touch unforgettable. You were lost to Jung Jaehyun and you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

A distraction indeed.

chapter eighteen: in the middle of the night, in my dreams

With all your expertise in sneaking junk food into your house for your consumption, you had little to no knowledge in the area that was sneaking out.

Now you were sure you would have been fantastic at it, but you had, as described before, helicopter parents who were extremely protective of their darling daughter. You had been taught from an early age that everything you did wrong would always have consequences, and when you got punished for simply breaking a vase, you decided that sneaking out was definitely out of the question.

There was a difference between the two as well, for, in the food aspect of it, you were getting something into the house, but sneaking out required you to get out of the said house. Someone was sure to notice your missing presence, whereas when it came to pizza, you could simply hide it in your room.

Jaehyun texted you at midnight, telling you to get ready for him to pick you up. Now obviously this meant you had to sneak out, and at night too. That definitely added a level of excitement, so you changed out of the pajamas you had been rocking into some respectable clothes, which consisted of sweatpants and a hoodie you had stolen from your brother. You made sure to take one of his jackets that had somehow landed up in your closet as well, seeing it was still pretty cold outside, being January.

You managed to tiptoe out of the house without waking anyone up or tripping over your own feet. You took your copy of the keys with you, waiting for your boyfriend to show up. 

It still made you giddy thinking about it, Jung Jaehyun was yours. You had to be the luckiest girl in the world to have gotten someone as amazing and perfect as him to be yours.

He showed up with his car, and one midnight drive later you were leaning against the hood of his car, eating ice cream. Was that a good idea in this weather? Hell no, you were probably going to get a cold, but you didn’t really care. You were perfectly content with your coffee flavoured ice cream.

Life was good. 

Then again, anything involving ice cream made life good. It was just the general rule of thumb, something Jaehyun seemed to know considering he had taken you out for some.

He shivered, something he thought you had missed, but you had caught sight of it. Realizing he was cold, you shrugged off Johnny’s jacket handing it to him, seeing at all he was wearing was a thin tee shirt.

“Take it, you idiot.”

He protested, “Idiot? I buy you ice cream and I’m an idiot?”

“You’re cold and eating ice cream,” you clarified, pushing the jacket towards him, “Should fit you, it’s my brothers.” “Won’t you be-”

“I’m wearing his hoodie, it’s honestly hot under here,” you said, licking another spoonful of your ice cream. “This is very high school of you, sneaking out with me.”

“Everyone likes a good rom-com moment, don’t they?” He countered, pulling the jacket on. A frown appeared on his face as he looked at you for a moment, before speaking up. “Shouldn’t you be wearing my hoodie?”

“You never gave me any,” you clicked your tongue in mock disappointment, “Aren’t you the romance novelist?”

He rolled his eyes, “You’re going to use that everywhere aren’t you? And you’re supposed to steal them, and then I’m supposed to annoy you about stealing my clothes but I don’t actually mean it because I like when you wear them. There are levels to this shit.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, before bursting out into laughter, causing his eyes to widen in bewilderment at your outburst of amusement.

“Oh, you so read fan fiction in middle school,” you giggled like a giddy school girl at the ‘deer in headlights look that appeared on his face, telling you that you had hit the nail right on the head. “And you’ve probably watched more romantic movies than I have!”

“Not true.”

“How was 10 Thinks I Hate About You?

“Excellent thank you- wait how the fuck did you know I watched it?” He sounded so scandalized that you were thrown into another fit of laughter. He was just so endearing, you couldn’t help it. Finishing off your ice cream, you patted him on the shoulder and tugged on the sleeves of your hoodie.

“Sleepless in Seattle? Oooo, no what about Clueless?”

You received no answer to this, just him grumbling under his breath.

“If it makes you feel better, the first thing I’ll do in the morning is steal some of your clothes” You promised, trying to keep a straight face as much as possible. 

This seemed to please him, making you chuckle in amusement. He was just so odd, but something about it made him all the more charming. You crushed the disposable paper cup, pushing yourself off the hood to go throw it in the garbage.

“I’ll hold you to that,” he said, “Or I’ll show up with a suitcase of clothes and demand you take it.”

“How romantic,” you snickered and he joined you on your walk to the trash can on the footpath. He glared at you mockingly, trying to prove his point as he ran his fingers through his hair, taking your crushed up cup and threw it away for you.

“Thank you.”

Your thanks fell onto deaf ears as he earnestly tried to convince you of the level of his solemnity. “I’m serious, I will, and John will have a heart attack.”

You made a show of thinking about it, though the only thing properly on your mind was how soft your bed was going to be when you returned back home to crash. Nevertheless, the thought of giving your brother a metaphorical heart problem sounded rather entertaining to you even in your state of tiredness.

“Deal.”

chapter nineteen: the beginning of the end

Winter finally bid adieu and Spring came along, dancing cheerfully through the town, sprinkling flowers everywhere. Joy rushed in, as leaves unfurled and flowers bloomed, painting the world with greens and other bright colours.

Taeyong left town once again, and Ailiseu got accepted into that fashion program she had been waiting to hear back from. That kept her mind busy and off Yuta, who you hadn’t heard from at all. Someone mentioned he had moved away, whether that was true or not you didn’t know.

The odd sense of homesickness started to creep back, even though you were home. You were home but nothing was as you remembered it, too much had changed. It was just a familiar place with memories that had been forgotten by most.

“I’m thinking of moving out,” you declared, flopping down on the couch next to Jaehyun. He hummed in question, raising an eyebrow at your statement. “You know since I’m working and I don’t see myself going anywhere else for the time being. I can’t stay with my parents forever.” 

You picked up the guitar you had left on the end of the couch the day before, placing your fingers on the fret to play a G chord, idly strumming. “And I was thinking of getting back into music, trying to do something with it you know? Maybe I’ll record a demo or something.”

“You could teach,” he suggested helpfully and you shrugged, placing it back down and sighed. Kicking your legs up, you snuggled closer to him, head in his lap as you looked up at him.

“How do you do it?” You asked, genuinely curious. “You already have your life set out for you, and here I am.”

“It happened by an accident- a happy accident.”

“Bob Ross would be proud,” you grumbled, “And life is just beating the devil out of me, isn’t it?”

He chuckled, leaning over and pressing an affectionate kiss to your forehead. His hair tickled you and you giggled, shutting your eyes at the gesture so you didn’t get any of his hair in your eyes. 

“You’ll figure it out, I know you will.”

He said it with such conviction that you almost believed it yourself. You knew it was ridiculous to expect to be successful at such a young age, but everyone you knew seemed to have it figured out for themselves. 

It seemed like you were running this race and everybody else was way ahead of you. You were tired of running (understandable since you weren’t much of an athletic person during school) and you didn’t know where the finishing line was.

Spring danced away, its performance ending as Summer once again took its footing. You Had started saving up to get your own place even though your mother insisted it was fine. It was fine, but you wanted to one day order pizza without having to ask the delivery guy to come through the back door.

This time however you weren’t too concerned about deterring a cute pizza guy. 

Yellows and Oranges, summer turned into something you loved, as did it with Jaehyun. Speaking of him, he sat at his desk once again, that same journal open again- except this time it wasn’t the first page he was on.

He was five pages away from the end of the journal- and the book itself. The story itself had poured out of him over the past few months faster than anything he had ever written. Words were his best friend and they worked side by side with him as he wrote his next book.

The story was sweet, about two kids falling back in love with each other after reuniting. It was the usual, ‘it’s always been you’ type of scenario, but he was that type of writer who could just make a cliche like that work perfectly.

The problem was he had no clue how to end the story. Usually, the endings would come to him first, and he would build the book around it, but this time it was like everything had flipped the moment he started writing in the journal. This seemed like a good place to end the story, but he had no idea how. 

Then it struck him- not the ending, but what being close to the end of the story meant, with his publishing house and editor and everything. He stared at the pages, and placed the pen down silently, dread taking over him.

He had come home to find inspiration and it had hit him like a truck the moment he met you again. He had come home in the hopes of writing his newest book and now that he had, he realized that he shouldn’t have come in the first place.

Why?

Because Jung Jaehyun, the perfect man, had made his first- maybe second- mistake. A terrible mistake he knew he couldn’t ever fix. For once in his life he had faltered. He had been rash and childish and had played with fire even though he had been warned against it.

Everybody what happened when you played with fire. It was dangerous and you could get burnt, except this time he was going to be burning someone else in the process. The one person he really didn’t want to hurt.

Now he had to figure out how to tell you.

~

“Wanna go get something to eat?”

You asked Ailiseu and Jaehyun, turning around on your heel to face them. The three of you had been going around looking at apartments for you. Ailiseu had tagged along, but mostly for the food and to tell you about her colleagues.

“Sure! We should go to that place next to the apartment you liked,” she suggested and you nodded.

“Hey, maybe if I’m lucky I’ll live there soon! And then you two can come over anytime you like- hopefully, I get it and I can get settled before Christmas.” You looked over at your boyfriend, who was currently staring off into space at god knows what. “Sound good?”

“Huh- what? Oh yeah sure,” he said, scratching the back of his neck. He had been out of it all day today, distant even. He distractedly nodded, following along with you and your friend.

You hadn’t taken much thought to this, thinking he must have been tired or stayed up late or something of the sort, but Ailiseu had.

You were sitting at the table, and had finished ordering, when she looked over at him, studying his expression before it clicked. Narrowing her eyes, she placed the menu down, smiling politely at the waiter and elbowed him

He let out a small yelp, and she glared. You looked up from your phone, confused. “Something wrong?”

“Nothing!” She chimed in quickly before Jaehyun even had the chance to complain. He pulled a face, and unbeknownst to you, somehow she knew this and swiftly gave him a kick to his shin to shut him up. “I just need to talk to lover boy here for a moment, if you don’t mind?” ‘Lover boy’ looked less than thrilled at this, visibly befuddled at the sudden bout of physical abuse he was receiving from your friend. You shrugged, and nodded, “Yeah sure go ahead, I’ll watch the food.”

She threw Jaehyun a withering look, who was still trying to figure out why he was suddenly being persecuted as such. Nevertheless, he followed the girl, who was starting to look extremely scary all of a sudden.

Once they were out of your line of sight, she yanked him outside the cafe and onto the sidewalk, leaning against the wall of the building. Jaehyun saw this as good a time as any to ask what she was doing.

“What was that all about-”

“We’re not so different, you know?”

She stated this as if she was talking about the weather, straightforward. Taken aback, he waited for her to continue, leaning on his side against the wall. She turned her head to look at him and sighed.

“We’re both perfect, or expected to be at least,” she huffed, blowing some hair that had fallen in front out of her face. “I have to live up to my younger brother, as ridiculous as that sounds, and you? Well, it’s just written off, isn’t it?”

He didn’t quite know how to answer this accusation even though somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew she was right. Ailiseu clicked her tongue, shutting her eyes, and pressed her lips together.

“I’m just...whatever you’re thinking, just think it through okay? Don’t hurt Y/n.” It should have sounded like a warning, but it didn’t. It was just concern. “People like us, people who have expectations to meet and lines to colour inside of- we all have a downfall.”

“Downfall?” He inquired, not knowing how she picked up on what he may or may not do. 

“Ditto.”

“How so?”

“Since you’re expected to be so perfect, you can’t help but want to mess something up.”

He scoffed, “I don’t want to mess anything up-”

“It’s the way the world works,” she refuted calmly and sighed. There was a faraway look in her eye, almost as if she was speaking from experience.

“All I’m saying is don’t screw this up like I did, okay?” She said, coking her head to the side and gestured back to the door of the cafe. “We should get back, your girlfriend is waiting for us.” 

This was a warning, but it was warning him against himself. For some reason, he knew he had to hear it, and it struck something within him. The problem was he had already screwed it up, and there was nothing, not that he could think of at least, he could do to fix it.

And with that she left him there, her usual cheery demeanor was back like someone had flipped a switch. Jaehyun chewed the inside of his cheek, thinking over her words. She had a point, he knew, but he didn’t have much of a choice.

He never had one in the first place. 

chapter twenty: i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything

You supposed that nothing had really changed in the years away, at least not on your part. You were still the same girl at heart, and your realization of the fact, you were still in love with Jaehyun definitely supported the argument.

Part of you wanted to laugh at the revelation, how did he manage to make you fall right back in love with him? You had always thought that first loves and puppy love never really lasted, and yet here you were, thinking about him while trying to finish the diamond painting that Yuta had gotten you for Christmas. Unfortunately, that was a slow process, and though you had been working on it for months now, you were barely done with half of it.

Diamon painting was serious business.

You sighed, trying to not smile, placing the applicating wand down. You were careful not to knock over the tray with the actual diamond, since that had happened thrice already and every time you had to clean up it slowly ate away at your ever-dimming willpower.

Love was funny that way, you would never be able to completely decipher its meaning. Did it ever fade away? Or did it stay once you had moved on, waiting for its candle to be lit once again if given the chance?

You had made two lines worth of progress, and deeming that enough for the night, you carefully poured the diamond back into their individual packets. You rolled the canvas up, and placed it at the end of your desk, using a paperweight to keep it from rolling off.

Getting to your feet, you took in a deep breath, glancing out of your window. That smile you were trying so hard to bite back broke out on your face, it was small but definitely there. Why?

Because you saw Jaehyun standing on the pavement right outside his house just as you had all those months, almost a year ago from the same spot you were standing at. This time, however, he didn’t have a suitcase beside him.

He was just staring at his house as if he was searching for something in its view but he didn’t know what. He seemed to be holding something- a journal maybe? As he stood there, watching and waiting. It was oddly full circle in a way.

Your eyes wandered to the side of his house, next to his porch where a peach tree was. Your smile melted off your face as you remembered what had happened there.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, shaking hair out of his face, “but you know, I have to leave for college this year so it won’t work anyway, and this was just a summer thing.”

You stared at the boy wordlessly, not knowing how to respond. All you knew was that each one of his words hurt really bad, they were like a rod prodding at your heart, slowly tearing it to pieces. 

“Y-yeah,” you said, “I get that.”

He smiled sweetly, “It was fun. I should get going, I have dinner in a few.”

“Fun,” you repeated incredulously. Your voice was all funny and hollow-like, but you blinked rapidly, “Yeah, bye.” Seventeen year old you didn’t know what to think, but you knew that this was the first time you wanted to cry when you weren’t physically hurt in any way. 

You snapped out of it, scoffing to yourself and wondering why on earth you were thinking about that. It was over three years ago, it was ridiculous to hold any sort of emotion over the incident because at the moment you had everything you wanted.

At least that’s what you thought. 

chapter twenty one: closure

The inside of the old theater auditorium was pretty dingy if you were being honest with yourself. It was one large place, with a stage right and the front and seats covering the rest of it, each row on a higher step than the previous one.

You walked into the auditorium, into that space between the stage and the first row of seats, seeing that your boyfriend was already there. He was standing right near the stage, hands on it as he looked up. The dim lighting lit up his features and cast shadows over his face.

���Hey you,” you greeted him, smiling softly as you walked closer. He turned to look at you, nodding passively.

“Hey.”

Something was off, you could tell from the start. He didn’t return your smile, his voice was empty sounding and the air in the room seemed to somehow weigh down upon the two of you. You frowned, taking a step forward.

“Sooooo,” you started, looking around. This was the place you first developed a crush on him at the age of fifteen, and now you were back so many years later, but you couldn’t place the feeling that was taking over you. “Why’d you call me here?”

He studied your face, the way your eyes attentively paid attention to him, awaiting his response. The small pout of your lips, the outfit you were wearing that day, he took in whatever he could. Every little thing just made it harder for him to say what he wanted- no needed to say.

What you deserved to hear.

Well, that was the biggest overstatement anyone could make. Of all people, you were the last person who deserved this. He sighed, looking at his feet and then back at the stage.

“The worlds a stage and you’re my actress,” he said, and you blinked in confusion before realizing what he was referencing. “You Can Call Me Babe For The Weekend,” you responded, “I read your book.” You had read it after all, but what you didn’t understand was why he was suddenly quoting himself.

“I know you did, you told me,” he said, turning completely to face you. You still had that look on your face, confused and in the dark. He sucked in a deep breath and smiled softly, but it was a defeated, bittersweet smile.

“I’m almost done with my next book.”

“Thats great!” You exclaimed, before stopping, raising an eyebrow. Unlike you, he didn’t seem as enthusiastic about the fact. “It is great, right?”

“Yeah it is,” he said mindlessly, “It really is, I finally managed to get something new but I’m close to writing the end.” He cleared his throat uncomfortably and you immediately knew he was hiding something. “What is it, Jae?”

“I have to go back,” he blurted out all of a sudden, before exhaling. You blinked in shock at the sudden statement, staring at him wide-eyed. The silence was too much for him, and so he blabbered on, “To the city, since I’m almost done I have to-”

“Go back, I heard you,” you finished for him. “I just don’t understand what this has to do with me, I mean you’ll be coming back right?”

He stayed silent, refusing to meet your eyes. You sucked in a breath, shutting your eyes and repeating yourself. “Right?”

“I don’t know okay? I mean I may not come back because well I got my book and with editing and my publishing house being in the city it wouldn’t make sense.” His words, even though he was almost whispering, it resounded through you. He might as well have been speaking through a megaphone.

“Besides coming home was temporary anyway.”

That hit you the hardest because they sounded so similar to what you had once heard. It was just a summer thing, it was fun, we were just fooling around, it was just temporary.

You opened your mouth, then closed it, You turned around and away from Jaehyun because you knew where this was leading, it was just too damn obvious. “Temporary huh?”

“Y/n I didn’t mean it like-”

“Of course you didn’t,” you forced a cheery voice, “How else could you have meant it! My bad, maybe you were talking about the weather.”

“I-”

“Just say it already okay?”

“I’m sorry about summer.”

You whipped your head around, wondering how the fuck the conversation went there. He looked unbelievably guilty, chewing on his bottom lip, “I was a kid and stupid and-”

You scoffed, staggering away from him. “Contrary to popular belief, Yoonoh, I do not need your closure.” You spat the word out like it was poison, bitter and hard, “I know what happened that summer, and you do not need to justify it.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, hanging his head as he looked away from you. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing, to think that just a few minutes ago you were absolutely content with your life and how things were going, this was just a complete one-eighty degree flip from that.

A broken heart was something you had only read about, but you had never expected to actually have one. You never thought you could physically feel your heart shattering as if someone had yanked it out of your chest and was crushing it with their hands until all that was left was dust. 

You had felt this time of earth-shattering pain only once before when you were seventeen of course. A few days ago you were perfectly okay with being just like your high school self, but right now? God, you despised that trait of yours more than anything in the world. You had been in love with Jaehyn then and you were still in love with him and you hated it.

You hated being in love with him and you wished that you weren’t, in fact, you wished you had never fallen in the first place. It was your fault, after all, you were the idiot who let him string you along every single time.

You should have known, this was what he did. He took your heart and played you like a puppet until he had had his fill of fun. Then he left you to pick up your broken pieces alone in the cold while he continued on with his life.

“I’m so stupid,” you hissed, the ache in your chest increased with every second you spent in front of him. “Oh my god, I hate you.”

Jaehyuns eyes widened and he reached out to grab your hand, “Y/n-”

“Don’t,” you warned, slapping his hand away and sucking in a breath. You wanted to cry, fuck, you wanted to scream and cry so badly but it just wouldn’t happen. For some reason, you couldn’t cry and it only hurt more. It was getting hard to breathe through the torrent of emotions that had crashed upon you and you were in no way prepared for them.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid-”

“You’re not stupid,” he made you look at him, holding you by the shoulders as you slowly broke down in front of him, but not noticeably enough, “Babe- Y/n’,” he corrected himself. “This is my fault.”

You chuckled, but it was devoid of any humour. Love- or losing it rather hurt like a bitch, more than anything you had ever experienced. This was worse than the last time because this time you had actually believed it was for real. All the signs had led you to trust him, but that was your mistake.

Hope was just as finicky as inspiration was, it was a feeling of the moment thing. Sometimes it lasted for long periods of time, sometimes it was just a spark to keep you warm on a cold day. You had hoped and you had been crushed, completely and utterly crushed.

“No it’s mine,” you said, pulling away from his touch because you didn’t want to ever be near him again. “I was the one who was stupid enough to fall in love with you twice, wasn’t I?”

His lips parted and for the first time that evening, he was speechless. You swallowed the lump in your throat, sniffling as you turned on your heel and walked out of the auditorium. It was strangely poetic, you had walked out on him from the place you had first fallen.

The world loved irony, it always had. You opened the door to the driver’s seat of your car, before slamming it shut and screaming into your palm. Tears finally sprung to your eyes as you leaned against the vehicle, eyes screwed shut as it hit you.

Your throat went dry, your knees felt weak. You couldn’t think straight as you stood there, completely heartbroken. You had fallen in love with the boy you just weren’t supposed to be with and it was time you learned that.

But you never learned, did you? You were a hopeless idiot, and you knew it. You deserved this, but at the same time, you knew you deserved so much better.

You didn’t want better, because all you had wanted, ever since you were fifteen, was Jung Jaehyun.

Pulling yourself together, you opened the door once again and got into the car, resting your hands on the steering wheel. You stared right ahead at the number plate of the car in front of yours, making no motion to move. Those tears finally broke free, making their way down your face as you broke down for real.

You were homesick, and so you turned to the one person you thought could bring back whatever joy you had in the first place, to reinstill that childish memory of your hometown. In a way, he definitely had now, but this was the last thing you had thought of.

You turned the keys in the ignition, starting the car up, and shakily took a deep breath, wiping away your tears with the sleeve of the jacket you were wearing- his jacket. Pulling out of the spot you parked in, you drove away, as far as you could from Jaehyun, until you didn’t even know where you were yourself.

All you knew was that he wasn’t coming back.

~

Days turned into weeks, but this time everybody knew. Johnny didn’t know how to navigate the situation except give you space and as many ice cream tubs of raspberry ripple as you wanted. For some reason, the ice cream didn’t make life any better, all it did was remind you of what you had lost.

Jaehyun boarded his flight with his journal in his hand. Though he had never wanted to come home, now he didn’t want to leave because there was something holding him down, and he had idiotically let that something run away for the second time.

He was the romance author, he should have known that second chances didn’t come along very often, and third chances were miracles. He had been handed one and he had wasted it.

He left in August, in the very end of summer and everything ended along with him the moment he took his window seat in the plane. He pulled down the retractable table and opened the journal to the last few pages.

He finally knew how the story ended.

chapter twenty two: there’ll be happiness after you

Weeks turned into months and you did move. You got another job in a music store teaching the little kids that wanted to start getting into music, or rather, their parents wanted them to get into it. 

You got your own apartment and ordered pizza as much as you wanted, and you learned how to live in your town, the town it had grown into when you were away for college. You didn’t have the apartment for Christmas as you had hoped, but you had had it by March.

Ailiseu moved away by July, and the months turned into years. Loneliness was something you had grown accustomed you, so much so you didn’t even feel it anymore. You made new friends, you waited till people came back for the holidays, you spent your Fridays watching Netflix and weekends were spent at your parent’s house.

It was a life you had been presented with and a life you were making work. Somewhere between this mess, Chenle came to visit, which brought it a lovely amount of publicity for the town. Taeyong came for Christmas, still without his friend but you knew better than to ask.

You understood the wistful look he held every time someone brought her up, it was a familiar look because you saw it every time you looked in the mirror.

You were still fifteen and age twenty-two, and twenty-three.

You walked along the footpath, waving to one of the elderly ladies of the town out of politeness, standing across the road and waiting for it to clear so you could get to the bus stop. Looking over, you thought you saw a familiar silhouette, hair and everything, only for that speculation to be crushed the moment the man turned around.

It wasn’t who you hoped- thought it was.

Not hoped, hope was dangerous. Sighing, you crossed and waited for the bus. You were going to that bookstore that was near the frozen yogurt shop, the one Jaehyun used to work in when the two of you were in high school. 

Part of you wondered what life would be like if you never met Jaehyun in the first place. Maybe you wouldn’t be at home, maybe you would have done something else. It didn’t matter now, it wasn’t like you could rewrite everything that had happened when you were younger.

The bus made its stop and you got in, bagging a seat at the back as you took out your phone, scrolling through it to pass time on the ride there. 

What you said that day in the theater, about how you hated him, couldn’t have been farther from the truth. You loved him and it made you bitter, so much so you said things you really didn’t mean.

You got off the bus, standing outside the store, and took in a deep breath. You pushed open the doors, taking in the familiar surroundings, and sighed, spotting the owner. She was the same, typing away at her laptop, eyes focused on the screen.

You walked up to the check-out counter, leaning against it. “Hey.”

She looked up, a knowing smile on her face. Shutting her laptop, she pushed it to the side to give you were full attention.

“You finally got it huh?” She asked and you hummed, nodding. 

“My story, yeah, I believe I do.”

“I’m all ears,” she moved to the side so you could walk behind the counter and take a seat before sighing. You finally understood what she had meant that day when you had bought his book. 

“I was fifteen,” you started, and you told her your story, a story that had definitely begun, and you didn’t know if it had ended, but it was a story nonetheless.

It was time for a new story because you knew there would be happiness after Jaehyun, but there was Jaehyun because of him. It was time to move on and write a new chapter of the story, or to close the book on this one.

“...And this is the story of how I fell in love.”

epilogue— cardigan

Jaehyuns phone rang and he pinched the bridge of his nose, picking it up. It was his editor, and it was an ungodly hour of the night to be receiving any calls but he was used to it. Holding it up to his ear, he shut his laptop.

“Yes?”

“We need to talk about a book signing,” the editor’s voice cut through, clear and sharp, “For your book, Betty.”

“I know the name of my book Jungwoo,” he clicked his tongue, “Just email me the details will you?” “Already have. Your flight is in a week, I’ll be following a little later.”

“Sounds good. Is that all?”

He could hear the humoured chuckle of his editor and the amused look on his face over the call. “Good job on the book Jung, another best-seller, very different from your usual happy endings.”

“What can I say, I like keeping people on their toes,” he said, “Good night, or should I say good morning?”

“Go to sleep.”

Jungwoo cut the call and Jaehyun shook his head, tossing his phone on his couch. Walking to his bedroom, he yawned, switching on the softer lights and sitting down. On his bedside table, his book was displayed.

The book he had written was based on his stay two years ago back home. Betty was a hit, moving people young and old. Usually, he would have at least a paragraph as the summary on the back, but this time it was just one sentence.

‘The worst thing that I ever did, was what I did to you.’

A week later, he couldn’t believe where he found himself, right back home once again, but this time with his editor. He sat at the table, signing books and talking to his fans, fans he didn’t know but someone he came from the same place as them.

He found himself signing yet another front page of his book, as he hummed along to whatever the person standing there waiting for him was saying, smiling at what he thought was the right intervals. It was the dedication page, but it was mysterious, because he had dedicated it to a seventeen-year-old girl, but never mentioned her name.

Handing the book back, he waited for the next person, sighing. The walked up, placing the book on the table and speaking up.

“You screwed up, didn’t you?”

Snapping his head up, he saw Ailiseu standing there, a smirk on her face. Before he could answer, she took her book back. “Forget it, I don’t need the book signed, I already knew what it was about and I know the author personally.”

He pressed his lips together. “You were right. I did screw up.”

“Fix it then. You have a lunch break now.” She said, placing a small piece of paper on the table, “I have a feeling she won’t mind.”

Jaehyun swallowed. “She won’t?”

Ailuseu shrugged, “You don’t have to take my opinion, go find out yourself.” Giving him a pointing look, she turned around and walked away. Jaehyun smoothed out the crumpled piece of paper, studying its words. It looked like an address.

He knew what he had to do.

She was right, it was his lunch break, so he grabbed his coat and cap, getting out of the venue. He didn’t take the car, instead opting to walk the way to the place he had been directed to.

He was scared because he didn’t know how you would react. You had probably forgotten all about him, moved on with your life. He definitely hadn’t, something always led his thoughts and himself back to you, so much so that he wrote a whole book about it.

He was haunted by everything he did, with the way you had looked at him that day. In the disbelief he had to face with how it ended, he couldn’t reinvent himself, not this time at least.

Jaehyun reached the address, and it wasn’t an apartment complex, but a house. So much had changed and he was standing at the root of it all. He saw someone move in the windows and looked didn’t know if he should knock or not.

But it turned out, he didn’t need to, because you happened to look through the window, freezing on the spot when you saw him. He stood there, hands in his pockets, eyes meeting yours.

You took a step back, wondering if you had hallucinated. It was him, it definitely was. Your feet moved on their own accord carrying you to the door and you opened it, standing there and staring at him.

He stood on your front porch, he looked older just as you did. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in, leaning against the door and just taking him in.

“Jaehyun.”

He smiled softly, looking around, “Y/n.”

A sad smile made its way onto your face as the two of you stood there, a million unsaid things and paths that could have been explored. Somehow, something inside of you told you you had known he would be there.

“Been a while.”

“It has,” you agreed, “I read your book.”

He returned your smile, “Told you I wouldn’t let you down.”

“You never have,” you said,” realizing it was true. Life was cruel and this was life. He had just done what he needed to, just as you had. The look in his eyes was grateful and he sighed, taking a step closer to you.

“It’s summer,” he whispered, and you nodded.

“Indeed it is.”

fin.

[spaceorphan18]

99 Perspectives on a Single Love Story #37

A/N: The Story of Kurt and Blaine told through the eyes of everyone else but them. Each chapter is a different perspective in the ongoing tale of their love story.

I started something like this a while back - and now I’m taking the idea and really running with it. Each chapter is a ficlet of a different character at a different point in Kurt and Blaine’s life - documenting their love story. This starts in Audition, and each chapter will be paired with a different episode until reaching Dreams Come True.

[Ao3]

***

Cooper J. Anderson (Big Brother) 

“It’s a misnomer that only certain people can play the leading romantic roles. Of course, there are some people, such as myself, who embody both looks and smarts and therefore don’t have to put in as much effort. However, acting is about presentation. So, even if you are ugly, if you act hard enough, you, too, can still land the lead in the quirky rom-com of your choice. Believe me, I know. I have watched over two-hundred films, and most of those actors are just not as good looking as I am.”

Cooper J. Anderson takes a chair in his parents’ dining room and turns it around to sit on it backwards. His baby brother (Blaine) and his baby brother’s boyfriend (Kurt) had been doing their homework that afternoon when he had walked through to get a protein bar for his afternoon snack. He had been stopped but Kurt, who had asked if he had any more acting advice. Of course who is he to deny his own expertise in the field?

Kurt is looking up at him with wide eyes, frantically nodding as he speaks. Blaine could work on his enthusiasm, though. Frown lines are bad for the soul. How many times does he have to tell his baby brother that?

“What do you actually know about being a romantic lead?” Blaine asks. If there’s sarcasm in his voice, Cooper doesn’t catch it. Because it is a great question. And he always has more wisdom to impart.

“I have had to play the romantic lead in over four commercials,” Cooper says, a hand to his chest. “And I have found that there are three keys to making sure that you are leading man material. Would you like to hear them?”

Kurt’s hanging on to his every word. “Oh, yes, definitely!”

“What? Don’t indulge him,” Blaine says.

Cooper points a finger at Blaine though remains fixated on Kurt. “Not a rule, just a piece of general advice -- ignore him. He would rather be on stage instead of in front of a camera. And he has no idea what he’s talking about.”

“Thanks, Coop…”

“And how many commercials have you been in, Blainey? Oh that's what I thought. Zero. So, why don't you listen?"

Blaine rolls his eyes at him.

"Rule number one,” Cooper says, his voice loud and booming. Presence is, afterall, everything. He grabs a cantaloupe that happens to be sitting in a bowl in the middle of the dining room table. It will make for a great scene partner. “Good chemistry comes from them wanting you. So you have to make them want you. How? By giving them your best sexy stare that says -- I know I am good looking and you know you want this.” Cooper gives his best smouldering look to the cantaloupe.

“Oh, my god…” Blaine’s jaw drops open.

“Rule number two,” he holds up two fingers to illustrate, “is talking.”

Blaine tilts his head. “Really, talking? That’s it? So, if I just continue to talk right now I’ll get all the leads? Great advice, Cooper, I’m just going to keep talking until--”

Cooper, again, points his finger in Blaine’s face. “Hush. Hater. I’m trying to teach Kurt some real world advice.”

“Oh, that’s what this is? You’ve been in LA for six months because Denver, Colorado wasn’t working out for you. Though, really, you’ve spent most of your time in Columbus, Ohio - so I don’t know how much real world advice you really have...”

Kurt is gleefully watching between the two of them. Good to know he still has his real audience.

“Shut up, Blaine, rule number two is talking,” Cooper says quickly over Blaine’s continued babble. “You have to tell your scene partner that you are the one that they want.” He continues his sensual gaze at the cantaloupe. “Baby, I know you want a piece of this. Let’s make sweet, sweet love and if we’re lucky, we’ll make a bunch of melon balls.”

“And this has landed you four commercials?” Blaine asks. “I really have to say I’m impressed.”

“Thank you, Blaine. Finally some positivity out of your mouth,” Cooper says. “I did hit it out of the park with all four of the female casting agents I auditioned for. Maybe you’ll have better luck with the male casting agents. We’ll just have to see. They did not seem to appreciate my methodology much.”

“Shocking.” Blaine deadpans.

“Okay, okay,” Kurt says excitedly. “What’s rule number three?”

“Rule number three,” Cooper says, his voice demanding attention. “Is seduction. You have to show your partner just how much they should want you.”

Kurt tilts his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

“Of course you don’t. He’s insane,” Blaine mutters under his breath.

Cooper holds up the fruit again. “Let me demonstrate on my scene partner who, I have to say Blaine, is much more giving than any actor that I’ve had to work with yet…”

“It’s a cantaloupe!”

“Blaine, I’m working, no distractions…” Cooper brings the cantaloupe to his lips and begins to kiss it. Not some lame peck. He is, after all, full method. He kisses the hell out of that fruit, open mouth, tongue gliding on the (god, ew, bitter bitter bitter) rind, some slobber but not too much. It’s important to be a good kisser after all. After another moment, he pulls off the fruit, trying to play down his grimace as he wipes his lips. “See - that is rule number three.”

“Yay!” Kurt lets out a little squeak.

Blaine is nearly doubling over in laughter. “My phone is charging. Do you mind if I grab it so you can demonstrate again? I think this is definitely something the internet needs to see.”

Cooper is about to make a retort and Kurt surprises him. “No, no, Blaine, I wanna try,” Kurt says, turning to face Blaine.

“Yes, okay, good, a scene to direct,” Cooper hands out the cantaloupe.

“Please don’t make out with a fruit,” Blaine says.

Kurt waves his hand at it. “No, I’m trying it out on you, silly.”

“Oh!” Blaine perks up.

“Oh?” Cooper tilts his head. This is not what he had been expecting, but he can work with it. “Okay, Kurt, remember the three rules. And…. action!”

Kurt schooches closer to Blaine. He bites his lip, pretending to be unsure while looking Blaine up and down. And then begins to give Blaine a deeply sensual look, glancing from his eyes to his lips to his eyes again. A smirk climbs on Kurt’s face as he hovers his lips above Blaine’s. Blaine is in unexpected shock

“Okay, good, good,” Cooper commentates. “You’re a little closer than I feel comfortable with, but I think it’s working. Rule number two -- talking.”

“Blaine…” Kurt’s voice is much lower than Cooper expects. It’s a little rumbly and raspy, and completely unnerving that someone would speak to his baby brother that way. “You make my heart undone. Your skin lights my soul on fire. I would make love to you until the sun rises, and even then it might not be enough to express how deeply I feel about you.”

“Okay, well, that’s a little more about him than you…” Cooper interjects. “Still, good effort.”

Kurt moves in for a kiss. It’s gentle, at first, but then he leans into it. Blaine opens his mouth, accepting the kiss, turning it much more heated than Cooper needs to see.

“Okay, and end scene,” Cooper says. They continue to kiss. He’s pretty sure he’s witnessing tongue. “What are you guys doing? You’re, like, twelve, and I called the scene....” Blaine lets out a little moan. Okay, this is becoming less and less about him… “Guys, it’s seriously time to end the scene.”

They break apart, both looking a little dizzy and giddy. “Thanks for the advice, Coop,” Blaine says, standing up, taking Kurt’s hand in the process.

“Well, I do have a few notes…”

“Nope, we’re good,” Blaine says, pulling Kurt up. Kurt’s grinning at him. “We’ll be back by tomorrow morning.”

“Wait, where are you going?” Cooper yells as they scurry out of the room. “I’m supposed to be babysitting you. Blaine, get back here! Blaine!”

Cooper lets out a huff as he stares at the cantaloupe resting on the table. Well… if they’re busy, maybe he can work on his next audition tape for Michael Bay. He picks up the cantaloupe and bounces it into the air. And he can’t go wrong with a good prop.

[dropofgoldensun]

omg hiiiii i am here from cat (@luvdsc) wondering if you could offer any advice about college apps 🙏 especially about the uc piqs? thank you so much i hope ur doing well!!!!!!!!

yes yes hello friend !! 💝 miss cat directed you to me because i did my college apps last year !!! (yikes one year passed already?? why does that feel ages ago 🤧)

first of all, congratulations on making the decision to apply to college !! i know it’s been hard for a lot of people our age to figure out the college situation recently, so i’m proud of you for choosing to take the extra step this summer to buckle up and write those essays 💞

i’ve compiled a few tips on answering the PIQs (i was actually in the middle of typing this up when i received your ask haha), but some of them can be applied to other essays, as well !! they’re all under the cut (because, unfortunately, being brief is not my forte) 😊

(and for reference, the prompts i chose were #2 (creativity), #6 (subject), #7 (community), and #8 (anything) !!)

tip #1: understand the prompt.

before you even begin writing, it’s important to understand what the question is really asking. for the UC PIQs, this will look different depending on which four prompts you decide to do.

in question one, for example, they want to know about your skills in leading others, but notice that they’re also curious about your resolution abilities and teamwork experience. or in question two, they don’t want to know that you paint and that you love painting—they could be asking how resourceful you are, how you think outside the box when you have an idea.

once you know the question you’re going to be answering, you can move on to brainstorming!

tip #2: write down three (3) key takeaways.

these are like the most basic, not-even-a-sentence answers you would give to each question. so for me, in response to question eight (“what do you believe makes you stand out as a strong candidate for the UCs?”), my answers were perseverance, courage, and character. i had a story about that, so i wrote about my experience with martial arts.

i recommend you do something similar. decide on three things that you want to communicate to your audience, and write them in the footnote of your document. your goal is to cover all three points so that, if anyone were to read your essay, they would walk away understanding those three things about you.

i found this strategy really helpful for keeping my essay streamlined while writing—if a sentence didn’t relate to any of those main points, i would cut it since those words would take up valuable space in the word count. stay focused on what needs to be in this essay, and if you have extra words left in the word count later, you can add those details back in.

and once you’re done with your essay, make sure to refer back to your takeaways and check that you covered all of them sufficiently!

tip #3: highlight your stories.

i sent cat an ask a couple days ago with a few pictures of my response to an end-of-year college counseling survey that referenced this tip (you can find it here). basically i said that, when choosing what topics to write about, pick things that interest you! if you get excited talking about it, your audience should get excited about reading it, because they’ll pick up on the passions you have and then everyone’s excited !!! :D

i’ll tell you a secret: everyone you meet, everyone you see, has countless unique experiences that few others may have. me? i spend hours making mashups out of kpop songs. i earned my black belt years after a traumatizing experience during training. i get russian harry potter and spanish dr. seuss books from the library. and i created a collaborative online google photos album for my classmates that now has thousands of entries. although these aren’t necessarily unique to only me, they’re still special enough to the point where, when you put them all together, you get a better image of the person i am, and what i value.

so find a story, a habit, a hobby that makes you different, because i believe that everyone has them. give them some food for thought, or that one-liner that sticks in their brain and won’t go away. and remember: these stories don’t all have to be extraordinary—they should be about people or moments of special value to you, because that’s what matters.

personal tip: when i was brainstorming ideas, i decided that the best way to get ideas out there was to go on a rant (because sometimes it helps to just have a conversation with yourself !!) and i recorded myself, so i could replay what i said !! this was so so crucial to me finding my own voice for writing essays. notice the way you word things when you talk—a good line or two may make it into the final draft :)

i found it helpful to read sample essays as well! they give a lot of great ideas on the kinds of topics people write about. (also, it’s kind of fun, because who doesn’t love a good story?)

but the people reading your essay won’t be there to just enjoy your story; what they really want you to do is to tell them what you learned from your experience. they want to know whether you’re teachable and willing to grow both as a student and as a young adult. so make sure to take note of the life lessons you learned, experience you gained, character you built, etc.

minor tip on ending your essay: if you’re telling a story that happened in the past, then close with what you learned and how you can apply that to your life moving forward. if you’re telling a story that has no definite end yet (like a passion or dream you have), you probably don’t have everything figured out (and you can say that in your essay!), so it might be better to close with your hopes for the future.

tip #4: ask your family for help.

peer-editing is one of the most effective ways to detect errors and inconsistencies in your writing, because, after staring at your essay for so long, you might gloss over glaring contradictions. for all of my essays, i printed them out and asked my parents to help me revise them. we’d meet every other night (or every night, depending on how much time was left) to review and discuss improvements.

i actually kept some of those printed drafts (only the first and the final ones for comparison), and let me tell you from experience—you’re probably going to have a lot of drafts (i think the most i did was seven? but you don’t need to go that far!). this part of the process does take some time, so remember to be patient and kind to yourself :) these essays won’t happen overnight!

enlisting the help of others also helps keep you accountable. one of the struggles many seniors face while writing essays is just... setting aside time to do them. and even though the constant reminders from your parents will definitely get repetitive and a bit stress-inducing, i can tell you from personal experience that i’m so glad they did; otherwise, i don’t think i’d have my essays done in time :’)

while writing college essays is challenging, your family will be there supporting you each step of the way. chances are that they’ll have their own pointers to pass on to you, since they probably remember doing this process themselves! and, out of everyone in your life, they probably remember the most about you (because you probably don’t remember much when you were four or five), so they might have a couple starter ideas for topics when brainstorming. you can rely on them for their advice and their experience.

tip #5: self-editing.

here’s the part that takes the longest time.

use action words. this is probably something you’ve heard all throughout elementary school where they didn’t like you to say “said” because it was “boring”… but honestly, the difference between “doing my own version” and “infusing it with my personality” could go a long way. also, use words that you would actually use in an essay—then it’ll have your own special flair, and not sound like it’s taken from some stuffy 80s textbook!

here are some of the words i used (once again, you shouldn’t use these words if they don’t sound like something you’d write/say): potential, overlay, wrestle, launch, analogous, weave, infuse, experiment, outlet, revel, fascinate, satisfaction, pursue, expand, distinction, capture, range, archive, engage, beyond, build, adversity, cultivate, preserve, commit, explore, convey, naturally

also, be on the lookout for repeated words. i once wrote an essay without noticing that i used “hope” three times in the same paragraph. don’t do that! use synonyms :) personally, i tended to run short on synonyms, so i always kept a tab or two open on my computer reserved for searching up new words.

side note: unfortunately, during my search for synonyms, i discovered that thesaurus.com just didn’t give me what i was looking for. i highly recommend using wordhippo instead; it has so many more options and they’re grouped by the different definitions of your word! i found the synonyms i needed really quickly and it was very satisfying!

avoid the passive voice! my teacher gave me this tip for theses or any other college-level writing. here’s an example of the passive voice: “there was a large part of me that wanted to turn back.” that’s twelve words taking up precious space in your word count! instead, say something like, “i considered turning back.” you’ve just freed up eight words :)

tip #6: final revisions.

this is the step where you fine-tune your essays. meet that word count.

read your writing out loud. does it sound like you? it should. every writer has a different voice, and you need to ensure that yours is pervasive throughout your essay. feel free to use contractions—not only do they reduce your word count (this was a good thing for me, since i had a problem with getting under 350 words), but they also give a more casual tone to your essay, as if you’re telling a story to someone in the room.

next, pretend to be an admissions officer and have someone else read your essay to you. do you get excited hearing about this student who shares your name? if you do, there’s a good chance the real admissions officers will love your essays, too. this also gives you a chance to review to your essay as a whole. pay attention to the overall flow. is there a clear beginning and end? do you resolve the issues and overcome the trials you brought up? listen to it as if it’s a story, and take this time to enjoy what you’ve written. you worked hard!

final thoughts / encouragements.

oh my goodness, did we make it to the end? honestly if you did, thank you so much 🥺

okay but despite my relatively optimistic tone throughout this post, i’m still going to be honest with you—the college essay writing process is difficult. it requires you to look inside yourself and analyze the “why” behind some of the things that you love, and that isn’t easy to do at all. it’s intellectually and emotionally challenging, because not only do you need to use so much energy writing, but you also have to dig deeper to understand yourself, and that’s not easy, either.

but i wanted to encourage you, too. no matter what you may think of yourself at 12am, 2am, 4am writing these essays, believe you have a personality that others love and will love when they meet you. you are an interesting person with unique experiences who deserves to share your thoughts with others. you have so many people behind you, supporting you during these next few months. and when you find that you can’t write any more, remember to take time to care for yourself. have a warm shower. go to bed early. i could go on and on about why sleep is good for your brain but i’ll spare you the details in this post 😉

one last thing: keep the bigger picture in focus. remember, by december or january, you will be finished with most of the application process. that’s no small accomplishment. you can do it. 💝

i really hope you found tips that you were looking for, and that they’re applicable to your own PIQs and other essays !! if you have any other questions, feel free to send in another ask (i promise my response won’t be this lengthy LOL) 💘💓

oh, and if you feel comfortable enough reaching out about anything in particular, i’m only a DM away 💕 i wish you the best of luck on writing your essays and i hope you enjoy your final year of high school !! 💗🌸💟💖

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Wolfman’s Dilemma

(Story Post)

Dax was still at work when Wano called him, so he called the doctor’s office to ask if someone could check on his partner before he could get home. Reid volunteered to make a house call as soon as he heard about Nathan's incident. Nathan was still shaken by his partial transformation. He had gone to lie down after a shower like Wano had suggested, but he couldn't rest well. When Reid did arrive, he sat with him in his bedroom and Nathan had a hard time explaining to the doctor exactly what happened because he didn't want to try to remember. “Well, this all sounds like it would be pretty upsetting, so I understand this isn't easy for you,” Reid comforted, after receiving all the details he could. “But if you think about it, this could be a sign of progress.” “No, I know…” Nathan mumbled, wrapped up in a blanket. “I just don’t like the connotations. If my anger is what made that happen, then that could mean I'm very dangerous. More so than ever.”

“We don't know that,” Reid stated, rubbing Nathan's arm. “We don't truly know what caused any of this to happen and unfortunately, yourself and Wano were the only ones witness to it.” “So, then what? Am I supposed to try to make it happen again?” Nathan asked. “Well, not if you don't want to,” Reid explained. “But, it might be best to keep an eye on you for a week or two in case it does occur again involuntarily.” “So, you mean staying at APID,” Nathan sighed. “Even when I'm off wolf cycle…” “I consulted with Dr. Aias before coming here and that was their suggestion, yes,” Reid admitted. Nathan rubbed his forehead. “I guess it's not really a cycle if I start turning into a wolf thing in the middle of the day on off days…” “Again, it's your choice, Nathan,” Reid insisted. “Camilo's coming by as well to talk to you as this pertains to your case. He might make other suggestions for you.” Nathan nodded. His phone went off and he checked it. “Dax just got off work and he's coming straight home…” “That's great,” Reid commented. “And your language suggests the relationship is pretty serious. I'm glad it's working out.” “My language?” “Aye, you said he's coming home,” Reid said. “You have separate residences, don't you?” “Yeah, well… I can't handle the twins on my own, it's too much, and I don’t know what I was thinking when I offered for Wano to stay here,” Nathan said. “Dax has been…the glue keeping this hell house together and keeping me from going insane. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't around.” Reid smiled and shook Nathan's shoulder enthusiastically. “See? I knew you two would be good for each other. Aren't you glad you went for it?” Nathan chuckled lightly. “I suppose I am… I guess I just didn't feel like I deserved someone new yet… And I feel bad dragging him into this whirlwind of a life I have right now.” “Nathan, you're a bit too selfless,” Reid commented. “Dax wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be. The people around you are around you because they like and care about you.” “I know, I know… I just...” Nathan sighed. “No, you're right.” “Anyhow, I can stay until Dax or Camilo arrives, however long you'd like,” Reid said. “Wano seems to be doing well with the twins. Is he a good babysitter?” “Yeah, they love him,” Nathan said. “I think it might be maybe the depth of his voice? I don't know. He follows instruction well enough and he loves to play with them. Maybe he'll be a good dad… Did he explain why we got into an argument?” Reid nodded slowly. “Aye… Trying to make a wee one before he's gone. I can understand your frustration. Wouldn't want that happening under my roof, if I had one.” “Right? I get that he's an adult and he can do what he wants, but also I'm partially responsible for him because I'm letting him stay here,” Nathan said. “If Jeffrey gets pregnant, I have no idea how that'll complicate Wano's case to stay here.” “Well, at the end of the day, these really are things that should concern Wano himself more than you,” Reid reminded. “You’re doing a really nice thing, letting him stay here with you but you don't have to shoulder all his problems. They're not yours and you're not his father.” “I know, you're right,” Nathan sighed again. “I just want to see him get to stay here. He's worked hard to stay. He's improved a lot.” Reid smirked as he observed Nathan. “You know, the wolf might have something to do with this. Sometimes animals who've just given birth will adopt newborns of other species, even if they're an animal they'd usually pray on, like a lioness adopting an oryx, or vice versa, a chicken adopting a kitten. Only for you, your adopted newborn is a full-grown adult alien from another planet.” “I can't help it if he has the emotional intelligence of a twelve-year-old,” Nathan said. “But it's even more reason he shouldn't be having a kid!” “You can't make that decision for him, though,” Reid said. “And you can't make that decision for Jeffrey either. At the very least, one of them has experience as a parent…” “From what I've heard though, his cousin does most of the caregiving…” Nathan mumbled. “Och, you need to stop concerning yourself with them,” Reid said. “You can put your foot down about what goes on in your house, but outside of that, you can't be meddling in their business.” Nathan nodded. “…I bet Jeffrey’s pregnant already anyway…” Reid rubbed his back. “Come downstairs for when Camilo arrives. Eat something. I’d like to see the wee twins again. How're they holding up?” “They're alright…” Nathan said getting up. “I probably should feed them, but Grace refuses to nurse unless she's a pup, but she bites me…” Reid followed him. “Do you pump?” “I do, but they refuse to take bottles from me,” Nathan said. “Dax? Wano? No problem because they have no other choice. But me, all they want is tit. Am I going to have breasts my whole life now?” “We can worry about that later, and you can take my word from personal experience that breast tissue can be dealt with,” Reid assured, chuckling a bit. “Ah, right… Yeah, I guess,” Nathan considered. “Anyway, Wano should be playing with the twins right now… He lets them bite his arms and legs and stuff because he thinks it'll toughen them up but I'd rather he didn't normalise it… I'll show you.” “Aye. Please.” They got downstairs and Nathan broke up the playfighting so Reid could take a look at the twins. They both turned to human for him which he was a bit unhappy about because he really liked to study their animal sides, but he acknowledged that it was good training that they remain human in the presence of strangers. Camilo arrived a little later and they talked in the kitchen while Wano showed off the twins to Reid in the living room. Nathan explained everything he could to Camilo about what had happened. “That is a very new development indeed,” Camilo commented as he took notes into a tablet. “We haven't seen any kind of half transformation like this… Have you asked Nari yet if he knows of werewolves like that?” “He's away on a vacation right now,” Nathan said. “I don't want to bother him with this at all until he's back…” Camilo nodded. “I understand… Well, right now since this is a one-time incident, I don't know that there's much we can do. But, now that we know it's possible, I'd ask you and those around you to video document this type of transformation if it should happen again.” “So, you don't think I should be watched?” Nathan asked. “Well, I don’t know that it's absolutely necessary, but if that's what you want, you could stay a few nights at APID,” Camilo considered. “It's up to you.” Nathan shook his head. “I want to stay home... But only if you really think it's safe.” Camilo patted Nathan's arm. “You didn't hurt anyone, you just transformed. Since having your wolf cycle nights at APID, we haven't observed any violent behaviour at all, only a bit of protective behaviour towards your kids.” “Dax said the wolf bit Dr. Aias once,” Nathan said. “Ah, well yes, but that was just because they needed to draw blood,” Camilo acknowledged. “Wasn’t that the night of Wano’s incident?” “Yes, it was…” Nathan sighed, not enjoying the thought. “Right, it’s possible you could tell your friend was in trouble that night and you were restless. Wolves have exceptional sense of smell. You might’ve smelled blood,” Camilo hypothesised. “You're really okay. Seems as long as the wolf is well fed, they don't hunt.” Nathan exhaled. “Okay… Yeah… Thanks.” “Don't worry,” Camilo assured him. “Your support system is great, and we aren't afraid of you. Everyone is here to help you.” “I get it, I just wish I knew someone else who was going through all this like me,” Nathan said. “I at least had Kent for a hot second, but now I have no one… My kids aren't even the same as me They just transform whenever they please.” Camilo pursed his lips. “Well, maybe you're not alone…” Nathan perked up. “Is there someone else? With APID? Another werewolf? Or were-anything?” “Well, no… I just meant, um…” Camilo waved a hand. “Well, you know, there's the wolf we caught on your bodycam that night.” “Oh." Nathan frowned. “But they attacked me. I still have the scars.” “Yes, but if we tracked them down, we might have answers for you,” Camilo suggested. “Well, maybe… I don't, know. I feel like we tried that lead and it got me nowhere. And pregnant.” “Yeah…” Camilo folded his hands. “But if we could find someone with a similar affliction as you willing to talk with you, you would want that, right?” “Yes, if it's possible, yes,” Nathan said. “The only person I know that's as close to my condition as me is Dax but his thunderbird situation is still very different.” Camilo nodded. “Okay. Can you come in for a meeting tomorrow? I want us to talk more about your options, but I also want to consult with Korsgaard about some stuff beforehand.” “Yeah, for sure,” Nathan said nodding. “Honestly, I talk to you so much, I forget Korsgaard’s my actual case worker…” “Yeah, he does do a lot of work behind the scenes, but he's looking into potentially retiring soon,” Camilo admitted. “I think he's holding out until Maya's grown.” “I get it,” Nathan said. “Do you think you'll take his place?” “Honestly, I don't really know,” Camilo said. “I mean, I like it, and it's been great work while I've been in school, but once I finish my PhD, I might look around… I want to stay at APID though.” Nathan smirked. “PhD classes, a job like this, and a baby at home? Are you sure you're only human?” Camilo smiled sheepishly and rubbed his neck. “I'm just trying my best…” “I could never…” He motioned to the living room where Wano was flexing with the animal twins gnawing on his arms. Reid was just sitting by, taking notes of his observations. “I can't imagine trying to get through my masters when I was your age if I had these two on my hip…” “Should we do something?” Camilo asked worriedly. “No, Wano likes it,” Nathan said. “He calls it ‘warrior play’. It's been really difficult trying to train bite inhibition and I’m so tired all the time, it's easier to just let them do whatever exhausts them…” “I see. It'll take time,” Camilo said. “Have you talked to Yori about it? They might not be exactly the same, but there's likely some issues he's had with the triplets.” “Yes, trust me, Dax has learned a lot from having the triplets in his class,” Nathan recounted. “The very first day of school, Skylar bit a kid that touched her granola bar and later Marco ate his own homework. We've been in contact with Yori's partners, because the kids just seem to fall in line for Yori without much trouble.” “Oh, I see…” At that time, the front door opened, and Dax came inside looking worried. “Nathan, I’m sorry I couldn't leave sooner!” Nathan got up from his seat and went over to hug Dax around the waist. “It's okay. Reid and Camilo have been here to talk to me.” “Ah, good! Are you alright?” Dax looked over his partner for traces of the transformation described to him over the phone. “You look okay, but are you?” “Yeah, I'm fine now,” Nathan said. “Talking to these guys has calmed my nerves a lot and the transformation didn't last more than a minute.” Dax nodded. “Good.” He kissed his forehead. “I’m glad you're okay. And the twins are alright?” “Yep, they're still their usual selves,” Nathan said, motioning to the pair now climbing onto Wano's back and jumping off like goat kids. “I think if anything, my transformation made them excitable.” “That probably makes sense, I think,” Dax said. “Reacting to your transformation I mean.” Reid got up and came over. “Nathan, if you don't need me any longer, I should probably head out.” Nathan nodded and shook Reid’s hand. “Yes, thank you for coming over on such short notice.” “Don't mention it,” Reid insisted. He patted Dax's arm. “Good to see you too, Dax.” “Likewise,” Dax said politely. “Drive safe.” “Aye.” Reid headed out the door. “I should probably get going too,” Camilo said. “Nathan, can we get you in for a meeting first thing at ten?” “Yeah, sounds good,” Nathan confirmed. “I'll see you there.” “Alright, see you,” Camilo said going to the door. “You take care of him, Dax. We're trusting you.” “Don't you worry, I'll be here,” Dax assured. Camilo smiled and waved. “Bye!” “See you tomorrow,” Nathan said as the assistant left. Dax went to see them off and then made sure the door was locked properly before going back to his partner. “Tomorrow, would you like me to join you?” Nathan looked at Dax and contemplated it. “Usually I'd say no, but if you can spare the time, I would appreciate it…” Dax smiled and kissed Nathan's forehead again. “I'll be there, don't worry.” “Thank you,” Nathan said. He took Dax's hand and squeezed it gently. “I appreciate you so much.” “Also on the phone,” Dax recalled. “Wano said you got upset because he’s trying to make a ‘legacy’ with Jeffrey.” He motioned the air quotes. “Do you want me to talk to him about that?” Nathan sighed, glancing over to Wano, now rubbing both twins’ bellies. “No… At least not tonight… Just let him be. It’s not our business at the end of the day. I made it clear though that he can’t have guests here without permission.” Dax nodded and gave Nathan a proper kiss this time. “You’re going to be alright.” “Thanks. I hope so…”

[sevensided]

how did you get into writing fic? i'd love to start but idk even where to begin! I loved adats so I was wondering do you have any advice?

Oh my goodness! I am so flattered you’ve asked me this. Yes, I can absolutely help. I’ll throw a bunch of rambling under the cut.

I started writing fic probably when I was... sixteen years old? A lot of my early works were oneshots. I couldn’t figure out how to do anything plot heavy for the life of me, so I just stuck to AUs or whatever I felt like. I wasn’t in any particular fandom -- I really wrote whatever I had ideas for. I remember I tried once to do a plot-heavy story and I received a review absolutely ripping it to shreds. Like, it was so cruel I cried lol. I ended up deleting the fic. Years later, I get what they were trying to say (basically, more substance, less style), but at the time it cut to the quick. Really, it was only when I was in my twenties that I started writing work that was longer and/or better.

The fandom that helped me actually write plot heavy work was a historical-based fandom. As I’m a historian, it was perfect. I got to use my research skills and knowledge to create works that, above all, aimed to feel authentic. I mainly read historical fiction, so I was familiar with how that genre worked. Miraculously, people loved my work. I think I wrote about ~200k in the period of a year? These were several short stories (20-40k) and a few oneshot filler fics. While I was part of this fandom I also helped organise a Big Bang which was a lot of hard work but was extremely rewarding. Along with that, I interacted mainly with other fic writers, so I spent a lot of time chatting to people about ideas and encouraging other writers, and it just created a lovely medley where no concept was impossible or any line of dialogue too difficult. We supported each other and it was truly like a little commune. I gradually stepped away from the fandom mainly because it was just a part of my life at a very specific time, and almost as soon as that time was over, my love for that story/ship faded, but I firmly believe I figured out a lot of how/what I do now purely through that experience.

Regarding ADATS

With ADATS, it stemmed entirely from wanting to “explain” three months in canon (at the end of season three). I was interested in the idea of season four setting up Will/Mike in canon, and I wanted to test the source material to see if I could draw from what already existed to create something authentic. I began with that simple idea: what happened from July to October in 1985? Then I thought about the major themes I wanted to hit -- family, friendship, coming of age, sexuality -- and I nested them around the bigger concept: how do I get Mike from being ostensibly straight to realising he is gay? That meant thinking of two steps: Mike discovering his attraction to guys; Mike discovering his attraction to Will. Those two concepts were separate “arcs” that needed addressing in different ways. Balance was key to weaving them together and making the reader feel like they knew what was coming (and that they felt smart for putting the pieces together) without just rushing through and going “now kiss!” That’s partly why ADATS needs a sequel, lol: because it’s not finished!

Writing process

The first thing I do when I start to get an idea is I write it down. Sounds obvious. But when you have a killer line of dialogue come to you in the shower and you think “I’ll remember that” -- reader, you will not remember it. You gotta get it down ASAP! I do that the whole way through, as generally I’ll be thinking of scenes I’m stuck on and then it’ll just come to me and I’ll quickly jot it down.

The next thing -- or what I do in the meantime -- is start structuring. I plan. I try to plan a lot. Sometimes it’s okay to write “and something happens here to get them here”, because you’ll figure it out later, but for the most part I’ve discovered that planning is like gold and you can’t get enough of it. I break my work up into generally 3-4 parts/sections, and I treat each section like a mini story. So each part needs a conflict and resolution, and it needs to flow into the next section. You need to have a feeling of things evolving and maturing. Once I’ve planned those little bits, I start thinking about the bigger plot arc and how I can drop in hints along the way. I’m probably not a subtle or skilled enough writer to yet pull off that sort of gasping twist you get in really excellent books, but I’m trying to get there. It’s hard, is what I’m trying to say, but that’s okay, because we’re all learning.

Then I generally do aesthetic stuff. Sounds stupid, probably. But nothing helps me get more into a mood than doing a Pinterest board or -- most of all -- making a Spotify mix. I start thinking about the vibe and the general atmosphere, and then I almost exclusively listen to that mix when I’m working. Sort of like muscle memory? Just to get the creative juices associated with that particular selection of songs.

Another thing I’ll do along with plot structure is character structure. This is a biggie. I mean, a story is nothing without characters. So I’ll just jot down a bunch of bullet points of characters and particular aspects that I want to highlight or remember. I hate continuity errors in fiction. Like, if someone says they work on Maple Street but later in the fic they’re working on Pine Street. I hate that. So I keep note of specific things that my main character might notice at repeated points in the story (colours, places, smells, names, sounds -- so they’re all consistent even as the narrative evolves). That’s another thing -- your characters’ motivations. Not everyone is going to be a huge player, but they all do serve a purpose. The most important character is obviously your main character. I personally think it’s important to let your M.C. be an arse at times. They’re going to be mean, they’re going to misinterpret things or fly off the handle... just let ‘em. Let them be wretched humans, and then bring them back and make them realise what they’ve done. Let them learn! I love consequences in fiction, lol.

At the same time, I’ll probably start writing. We’ve already written down some snippets of neat dialogue or descriptions, but now we should start the actual process. For me, I used to start at the beginning. Usually this was the most fleshed out anyway: I’ll have a clear idea of the beginning and the end, but nothing in the middle. These days, if I have a scene in mind that I can’t forget, I’ll just write it. It will possibly get scrapped or rewritten, but that’s okay, because at least you’ve got it down and now you can devote your brain power to something useful (like figuring out what the middle is supposed to be). I’ll have half a dozen of totally out of context scenes just littered in my Word document that I’ll add to as I go along. Eventually, though, you’re going to start writing properly, and that’s when you write your opening scene.

Opening scenes: super important. Every time I write a scene I think: what is the point of this? What do I want the reader to learn or takeaway? Sometimes you do have filler scenes, but they also serve a different purpose (perhaps to establish a group dynamic or to explore/describe a character’s surroundings). Mainly, though, every scene should push something forward in some way, whether it’s character development or a plot point. So, with an opening scene, I always think you have to establish: where you are; who you are; what they are doing; where they’ve come from (in a philosophical and practical sense); and where they’re going (ditto). That doesn’t have to happen in the first paragraph -- that would be silly. But if you sprinkle that information in over time it’ll gradually build up a picture of your character and that way the reader can get an idea of who they are. You basically need to give a snapshot of what your story is about. This also goes back to the character creator stuff: where they are at the start should be different to where they end up. How that happens is, of course, because of plot, and because you’ve structured everything to the nth degree, we’ve got a very clear progression of that character’s growth (/s easier said than done lol).

General advice

Write down everything: every idea, a bit of dialogue, a description, whatever. Write it down. Doesn’t have to be neat. Just has to be on paper. You can’t remember everything, so if you’re spending time trying to hold those things in your head, it’s taking up space for new ideas to come along.

Structure, plan, structure, plan. Sometimes it’s boring and I hate it. Other times, when I’ve not written in a few days and I open the Word doc and think wtf is this supposed to be, I am very grateful for Past Me for leaving such detailed notes. Seriously, it helps so much. Oneshots don’t really need planning, in my experience. You just get those out there. But multi-chaptered stories really do, even ones that “just” focus on a relationship.

Whatever you want to write, commit to it. Space goblins invade Hawkins? Do it. Eleven and Max find themselves in a cult akin to Midsommar (2019) and must escape? Yes. Just... whatever you want to do, remember that you’re writing it for you. Write what most interests you, what makes you when you reread it go AHHHHH I LOVE THIS!! Because that makes it a thousand times easier to actually get on with the writing when you enjoy what you’re doing.

Write a lot. Every day, if you can, or at least at designated times. Occasionally I have a very specific headspace/vibe I have to be in, but sometimes it just hits me and I’ll say to my partner “I need to write now” and just disappear, lol. The more you write the more you write. It’s so, so, so true. Cannot emphasise this enough. When I wrote that ~200k in twelve months? It was because I literally wrote every. day. Or near enough. Remember that some days you’ll write 200 words, and other days you’ll write 20k (this happened to me with ADATS -- part of the reason I finished it so quickly was because I had sprints of writing 10k+ at a time that only happened because I was in the rhythm of it). Write, write, write. Who cares if it’s crap! No one will see it until you are ready. In the meantime, just write!

Probably last of all (although I could go on and on) is connect with other writers. If you’re struggling to start, sometimes just talking about it can help a huge amount. I hope it goes without saying that you can message me whenever you want, anon or not, and I will talk to you. We can talk about ideas or I can beta stuff, whatever you want! Find like-minded people and talk to them about what you want to do. Another thing this helps is in advertising your work when you do publish. I see a lot of first time fic writers get super down because they publish their magnum opus on AO3 but no one comments. Honestly, it’s because no one knows you’ve published! You don’t have to be tooting your own horn every which way, but just actively talking about your work and even collaborating with other content creators with get you hyped and other people too (and the input and encouragement other fandom members give is just... out of this world. Anon messages helped me finish ADATS when I was really worried I wouldn’t [that’s the truth]. Seriously, support is everything). When you have people excited about your work, you get excited. It’s really as simple as that.

I could go on but this is already horrendously long. I hope even a bit of this helps! If you want to chat or have any more questions, just hit me up any time.

[cordria]

Gloves

Jack Fenton sat down in the uncomfortable chair, his bulk moving slowly and carefully to avoid scaring the girl sitting on the other chair. There was something odd about her, the way she held herself, the little glances out of the corner of her eye, the way her hair didn’t quite fall right. Jack couldn’t quite stop himself from cataloging all the little differences about her, even as he tried to stop himself and see her as just a girl. A girl in need of help. “Hi,” he said, keeping his voice gentle.

“Hello,” she said. 

Jack opened his mouth to say something more, but nothing came out. He couldn’t think of anything to say. He let his mouth close again, his lips twisting in frustration. There was certainly plenty that needed to be said. 

“Why are you here?” the girl asked, her thin fingers digging into the cushion of the chair. Although her knuckles turned white with the pressure, the stiff vinyl didn’t seem to notice the effort her hands were putting in.

“I like Seattle,” Jack said. “Nice city. Always wanted to do the haunted tour…” He trailed off, wondering if bringing up ghosts was, perhaps, a bad idea.

She scoffed. “Seattle’s not haunted.” The IV machine she was hooked up to beeped loudly, and the girl flinched. She studied it for a moment before sighing and sinking back against the hard chair. “That’s not what I meant. I called Danny, not you.”

“Danny couldn’t come.” Jack sort of fudged the truth. Danny could come. Danny had come. But not being 18 yet, the hospital didn’t particularly care what Danny had to say in the matter, requiring Jack’s presence. “I’m here to help.”

“I don’t want your help,” she said, shoulders crunching up around her ears.

Jack shrugged, falling silent, watching the girl glare around the small room. He had only the briefest of explanations as to who this girl was - a genetic malfunction, an aberration, a splintered example of a not-quite-human - and he understood almost none of it. His gaze fell to his bag, and he reached down, pulled out his latest needlework project, and quietly got to work. Jazz had said to do that when he was at a loss for words. She’d thought it might be helpful. 

It was nearly twenty minutes of silence, the girl watching him slowly work through his project, before she spoke. “What is that?”

“It’s going to be a quilt,” Jack said, turning the scrap of fabric so she could see a bit better. “All the different types of ghosts from stories around the world. This one’s a banshee. Sits under windows and cries and screams, usually associated with someone dying.” 

She studied it. “You’re… pretty good at that.”

“Lots of practice,” Jack said with a shrug. 

“You don’t seem like… like a guy that would do something like that. Art stuff.”

“It’s calming and good for the mind,” Jack said, tying off the string and picking out a new color. “Jazz got me started on it years and years ago. I’m hoping to have the whole thing done by August, so I can put it in the county fair.” He chuckled. “I won’t win, not compared to the artwork of other people, but it’ll be nice to finish a project.”

Her eyes were blue, just like Danny’s. But there was a shadowed, haunted feel to them - and a blankness that hurt Jack’s heart. 

Perhaps Danny was right. Maybe Maddie should have come instead.

The IV machine beeped again, and this time a nurse knocked and entered the room. “Hello,” he said, walking over to check the machine. “The battery on your IV is getting low. Gotta plug it in.” He smiled at her, holding out a hand. “Back to the bed, please.”

The girl sighed, but reached out for the assistance. She was unstable and barely able to hold her own weight. It was only a few steps, but Jack had to bite back the offer to carry her. She settled against the bed - too skinny, too broken, too empty - and laid her head on the pillow.

Jack was quiet as the nurse fussed for a few minutes, plugging in the IV machine, taking her blood pressure and temperature, setting the blanket over her legs.

Then he turned to Jack. “Parent?” he asked.

Jack wondered how to answer that. He set down his needlework, dug a paper out of his bag, and held it out. It was fake, of course; there were no real legal documents in the world for her. But the stamp was real, and the judge’s signature was real, and that was enough. “Legal guardian, for now.” 

The girl on the bed flinched.

The nurse glanced at the papers. “As of yesterday, huh?” he asked. “Nice to meet you, Mr Fenton. Wanna chat in the hall?”

Jack leveraged himself out of the chair and followed the man into the hallway. “She’s going to be okay?” he asked.

“Eventually,” the nurse said, walking him to a quiet alcove. “How do you know her?”

“She’s a relation,” Jack said, trying to avoid being specific. “Her and my son are very close, although I haven’t had any real contact with her yet. She called him two days ago and we’ve been figuring out how to best help her.”

The nurse nodded. “She was found in a park, unconscious. Came in massively dehydrated, malnourished.” The nurse glanced around, his voice quiet. “She’s not saying much, but she definitely hasn’t been treated right.”

Jack frowned. 

“I’ll send the doctor along, but it doesn’t seem like there’s anything permanently wrong with her, physically anyways. Really fragile mentally.” The nurse frowned. “The police have been around a few times to chat with her. Don’t think she’s said much to them. She’s in for a long road.”

Jack glanced over his shoulder, through the cracked-open door. She was picking at her sheets, staring at the sky through the window of the room. She looked so small. Twelve years old. Her third year of being twelve, if Danny’s explanation was right. And she’d be twelve until her broken body stopped working, whether that was next week, or five years from now, or ten, or twenty. “Anything else I should know?” 

“Gentle, slow, careful. She’s a nice girl, when you can get her to talk. I’ll be around every fifteen minutes or so, checking on her.”

“Can she have visitors?” 

The nurse hesitated, but then nodded slowly. “If there’s one or two people you think would do her good, I can’t see how that would hurt.”

“My son will probably scale the outer walls and sneak through the window if you try to keep him out any longer,” Jack said with a smile. “He’s worried out of his mind about her. He can probably get her to talk like nobody else.”

“Sounds great. You let me know if she needs anything,” he said.

Jack stood in the hallway for a long minute, trying to decide what he would say. From what little Danny had told him, the girl had been literally programmed to hate him. Created, somehow, in a lab from a mix of Danny’s genetic material, donor tissue from the corpse of a dead girl, and a ghost. Created and programmed, like a computer, for a task - to be used and then thrown away.

He walked closer, standing in the door, frowning at how little of the bed her frame took up. Her arms were too skinny against the hospital blanket - almost skin and bone. Whoever had created her had certainly not taken care of her.

She noticed his gaze, turning to study him with those sunken, haunted blue eyes. “You don’t have to be here,” she said.

Jack hummed, walked in, and dropped back down into his chair. The vinyl squeaked. “I want to be.”

“Because Danny told you to.” She sounded sullen. “It’s okay to hate me, you know.”

“I don’t hate you,” Jack said, surprised at the thought. Where had she decided that he hated her? What had he done to make her think that?

“I hate you,” she shot back, eyes narrowing. She leaned forwards a little. Little sparks of green shone against the blue.

Jack shrugged. “Join the club,” he murmured. He rested his arm on the bed, but drew away when she flinched away from him.

“I don’t want you to touch me,” she snapped, clearly uncomfortable. 

He nodded and kept his arms to himself, careful to keep his arms to the small armrests. “I plan on sticking around, just so you know. And Danny’s planning on stopping again by after school.” He picked up his needlepoint, studying the messy shadowing job he’d done with a frown.

“Again?” came her soft voice after a minute of silence.

“He was here… day before yesterday,” Jack said, squinting at the banshee’s arm and trying to decide the easiest way to fix it. “You were out cold, and the hospital wouldn’t look twice at a 17 year old. Came and got me instead.”

“He told you who I am, right?”

“Yup.” Then Jack shrugged a half-shoulder. “Okay, a little. Getting anything out of Danny is only slightly easier than storming Fort Knox.” He grinned at her. “I got that you’re important to him, and that you’re family, and that I can help. That’s enough.”

“I’m a monster, you know that,” she said. 

Jack pointed at his needlepoint. “This is a monster. You look like a scared young woman in need of some help. Maybe you’re not as human as me, but that doesn’t make you a monster.”

She bristled, but didn’t respond.

Jack let the quiet last for a few minutes, slowly fixing the bad shadowing on his banshee. 

“I don’t know what you want from me,” she said.

He glanced at her. She’d drawn her knees up to her chest, and was hugging them close. She looked lost and broken, and somehow even smaller and younger than before. “I don’t want anything from you,” he said, confused. 

She frowned.

“Danny said you wouldn’t trust me,” Jack said, deliberately keeping his gaze on his needlepoint. Jazz had been correct in packing it for him - it did seem much easier for the girl to talk when he wasn’t staring at her. “But you can, you know. Jazz has already cleaned out her bedroom for you, and Danny-”

“Bedroom?” she asked.

Jack blinked at her. “Room. With a bed in it.”

She scowled. “I know what a bedroom is-” she cut herself off, like she was going to say something more. She let out a breath through her nose. “You make it sound like I’m coming to live with you.”

“You are!” Jack grinned. “See, we got the legal-”

“I’m not coming to live with you,” the girl snapped. “We’ve been over this. I hate you. I don’t trust you. Why should I live with you?”

Jack twisted his mouth into a half-frown, turning his eyes back to his needlepoint. “Why wouldn’t you?”

“Take off your gloves.”

Jack hesitated. He didn’t take off his gloves. “Why?”

“Because I’m a monster. I’m contaminated. I’m broken, and seeping radioactive liquid, and, and, and I can hurt you just by touching you.” Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see her eyes burning a toxic, horrible green. “And I want you to take off your gloves.”

He watched the way the light gleamed off the black glove, slowly twisting his fingers. He didn’t take off his gloves. He just didn’t. Since learning how contaminated Danny was, Jack had even gone to great lengths to not touch his own son. 

But Jack knew, in the depths of his being, that Danny wasn’t a monster. And neither was this girl. Yes, she could hurt him with just a touch. But...

Slowly, he took off one of his gloves. His skin was extremely pale, fingers a bit wrinkled from the moisture inside the gloves. His fingernails were in need of clipping. He flexed his fingers and ran them over the intricate stitching of his needlepoint, feeling details he couldn’t through the gloves.

Then he held out his hand to her.

[mkstrigidae]

from the ask meme abt writing, i have a few questions about your writing process! how do you stay organized with so many pov’s in AWPH? i always wonder what writing app/site fic writers use (word, google docs, etc.), and if it’s not too much, could you show a screenshot of how that looks?

Hi friend! :) I am terribly sorry it’s taken me a while to answer this- life has gotten in the way

Oof- so the answer to that question ‘how do you stay organized’ is probably ‘I don’t’, but I’ll do my best. (this ended up long and fairly disorganized)

About APWH POVs:

For the different POVs, there isn’t really a process I have to choose whose POV is used for what scene- I’d probably be more stern about it if were writing a novel, but because it’s fanfiction, I kind of just go with whatever feels right at the time. There is one thing that’s absolutely deliberate, though- I’ve never written a scene from Petyr’s POV, because he’s the exception to narrative omniscience.

There have been a few instances where I’ve had to switch whose POV i was writing from as I went along, or after I finished a scene- Meeting Jon Arryn is an example from the most recent chapter. Initially, it was from Sansa’s point of view, but Sansa overthinks everything and so it kept going off in all sorts of weird directions and I couldn’t pin it down. Once I started writing as Robin, it got much easier.  

The single most difficult thing about keeping all the different characters straight is remembering who knows certain things, and who doesn’t know certain things.

Take this, for example. The two characters closest to omniscience are Oberyn and Sansa, but where Oberyn knows Baelish’s history and can understand certain aspects of his motivation because of years of working on the case and studying him (in addition to a hefty understanding of human psychology), Sansa isn’t always completely aware of how important certain pieces of evidence are, or how relevant certain things are to Petyr’s motivations. The two of them understand Baelish more than anyone else, but in drastically different ways. The biggest thing is that Oberyn is aware of Petyr’s relationship with Catelyn, and how he feels about her, whereas Sansa has no idea about that, and still doesn’t really understand why Baelish took her in the first place (although she’s been doing a repeat speedrun through the five stages of grief throughout the entire thing, poor kid).

But there are basic facts of the story, and then there’s the ‘who knows what’ aspect of it. Someone broke into the Stark’s home in White Harbor and stole Sansa from her bed- this is a fact. But only a few people know who it was that broke in or how it was done. An assassin was hired to kill Petyr Baelish at the airport and failed. The Lannisters know who the assassin is, but Oberyn and Daemon don’t yet.

There are lots of complicated relationships among the characters too- Jon knows more about Robb than any of the rest of them, except maybe Rhae, who only ever shows vulnerability to Willas and Marg, and so the rest of us don’t really get to see her soft side. Arya’s relationship with Catelyn is extremely complicated, and as such, she has a lot of baggage going into meeting Sansa that Sansa has no idea about. Lyanna is aware of what’s generally going on politically, and is working on several important stories that could provide some insight to Oberyn, but they haven’t talked about politics too much recently, because Oberyn’s too busy with the investigation and Lyanna’s busy with her job. There are secrets that Robb has been keeping for an extremely long time, and secrets that Sansa’s keeping without even realizing it. There are a lot of things that were odd or abnormal or red flags in Sansa’s childhood that she doesn’t even realize are odd, because she has no other frame of reference.

In terms of keeping the other stuff straight, I have a page at the beginning of the APWH Master Document (it’s so long dear god), that basically has character names, ages, locations, and time zones written down. I’ve tried making like, character info compilations, but I’m not very good at updating them so I stopped that (although I found a particularly funny bit about the targs in one that’s sampled below).

Generally, I think it’s more important to understand how your characters react to certain situations and their most basic personality traits and values, rather than just having a long list of stats on them, so that tends to be my approach. If I’m worried that I’m about to write something that conflicts with a previous plot point, generally, I’ll go back and skim the story for mentions of them to double check- I’ve reread APWH so frequently that I am genuinely sick of the first five chapters, haha.

Unfortunately, a lot of it tends to just be that I have an extremely good long-term memory for details. The trade-off is a god-awful short-term memory, though. It’s partially the ADHD. I’m on the verge of trying to keep things straight with an excel doc, tho.

The timeline is one of the trickier aspects, so I tend to scribble them out anytime I’m thinking about when and where certain events happened. Generally, I use Sansa’s abduction as year zero, because I do not understand how years work in Westeros and have elected to just use my own- here’s a sample of one I scribbled down the other day when I was trying to figure something out.

(Sorry about the post it notes- those are covering some spoilers! ;D)

About my writing process:

It is…. Not as streamlined of a process as I would like, haha. Generally, I go by chapter. I kind of have a rough idea of what I want to happen in each chapter, and generally that evolves as the story does.

For each chapter, I kind of just bullet point out some things that I want to have happen, and then try my hand at writing some of them. Some of my best ideas happen after this process, though, like the scene where Robb and Sansa find out that Baelish moved them out of the city while Robb was in town to avoid a confrontation. But I have those bullet points, and usually rough chapter titles and rough summaries before the chapters start. (Some things blacked out because of spoilers ;D)

I think that if I waited until I was inspired to sit down and write, then APWH would maybe be done by like, 2070, so I usually kind of sit down and just start writing- some of it is good, some scenes I discard completely, and usually, once I hit on something that works, the plot flows where I want it to.

I generally know how I want the chapters to start, based on how the previous chapter ends (My writing time for them usually overlaps bc it’s a natural continuation). Once I figure out roughly how I want the chapter to end, though, the whole thing starts coming together, and it’s easier for me to figure out what doesn’t belong in the middle, and what might be missing.

I started using one master document on word, because I swear to god I did not intend for this story to turn into the behemoth that it is, and that lasted for about twelve chapters before I realized that the damn thing was 368 pages of tiny font (I don’t double space my lines when I write bc I like seeing as much of it as I can). So I’ve switched to individual word docs for each chapter as of chapter 13, and used google docs to share the chapter with the wonderful @nowmywatch-begins who was kind enough to beta read the thing and remove the excess of commas I tend to use. I use color coded highlighting to indicate different things- turquoise means I want to go back and rework something, green means I need to check to make sure something doesn’t conflict with something I wrote previously, yellow is for sections that I might not want in that chapter and might need to move, etc. Anything I end up discarding goes in a section at the end of that chapter labeled ‘outtakes’. I used to have a lot of trouble rewriting things because I hated to get rid of them, so this circumvents that particular issue. I get to keep what I wrote, while still improving the story by being willing to throw out certain parts.

I write out of order frequently so I keep a separate document called ‘APWH- Bits and Pieces’ that I use whenever I’m doing something like that- it acts as sort of a holding tank for these scenes until I feel like they fit in the story. I also just keep random notes in there, questions that I think need answering, random sentences that just come to me, ideas I’ve jotted down when an idea sparks, etc. There’s a lot of stream of consciousness kind of stuff because I tend to process ideas by writing them down, and so I have stuff like ‘okay so what if Lysa did X and Petyr was here and does Sansa have a college scholarship???? Is the Braavosi prison in the northwest or the south? Why is Westeros still a monarchy? do the tabloids follow the royal family like in britain???’

Like, I have the ending for APWH written, but it’s fairly disjointed, and i think I’ll be able to flesh it out more as the story goes along. I like having a general idea of where I’m going with my writing, but I also will modify those ideas frequently as I go- sometimes the characters really do write the story for you.

This is probably not very organized, and waaaaay longer than you wanted, but I hope this answers your question!!! Thank you for the ask! :)

[stressy-enby]

Chapter 1:  4 Months Later

Cover made on Canva.com

You were great at running. You’d been running from your problems for year, both figuratively and literally. Before however, your problems followed you, now they simply wait on bated breath for your return. What’s the point in running, though, if no one’s chasing you?

Previous - Next

Masterlist

Haha, funny story guys. This may become an angsty slow-burn. I still have no idea how long this is gonna be or take, but it may be a bigger project than I imagined.

. . .

Your shoes tapped quietly against the white tile as you waved to the receptionist as you passed his desk.

It was getting colder, so the police station interior was conversely getting warmer. You shrugged off your coat, reveling in the delectable, toasty heat.

You passed several more desks on the way to your own. At this point, you didn’t have to look to see who would greet you, ignore you, or just frown disapprovingly for simply arriving at work.

The quiet buzz of chatter blended together in a symphony of voices as you walked through the center of it, only to be intercepted by Taiyo.

“Morning, (Y/N)” The older investigator gestured for you to sit.

“Hey, Tai,” You pulled out the chair, and slid your sunglasses on before your eyes met. He pushed a paper cup over to you. “Thanks.”

“Good to see you didn’t take off on us. It’s nice to see you still in the country.” His eyes twinkled knowingly “Go anywhere exotic this weekend?”

Taiyo Antonov was the stern yet kindly man who was charged with keeping an eye on you. He had been the one to bring an end to your “traveling days” as you called them to people outside of the station. Despite him being the reason you where behind bars for three years in three different countries, he had become your closest friend and confidant. You two where a bit of an odd pair; you, a shifty looking 24-year-old who knew far too much about counterfeiting checks, and he, a 52-year-old police investigator who spoke with a vague Russian accent.

“Pfft, if you consider the grocery store exotic, I guess.” You rolled your eyes, peeling the lid off your paper cup to scrutinize its contents. “You visited your daughter, right? How’d that go?”

“It was good, I had fun. She took me mini-golfing.”

“And?”

“And she kicked my ass.”

You chuckled, then took a cautionary sip of your coffee. “Anything interesting on the bracket today, or am I gonna be bored out of my skull for another twelve hours?”

“Actually, you’re going to have some visitors.” Taiyo slid his reading glasses on and flipped through a file. “Ingenium and Deku should be dropping by at seven.”

“Hold on-” You sputtered in confusion, setting your mediocre coffee down. “Why? What did I do?”

“Do you even need to ask that?” He shot you an incredulous look, which you matched with one of your own.

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

You grunted, fleetingly picturing yourself strangling your friend. “Taiyo. Why do Deku and Ingenium wanna meet me?”

“They’re the ones who presented the idea of releasing you for parole. They fought with me to get you here.” The balding man pulled a paper out of his file and handed it to you. “This is the proposal they turned in.”

You skimmed the typed document. It was about a whole page long, and was a lot like those argumentative essays you had to write back in middle school. There were several well written points about why you should be released from Tartarus and how you could help the police station, even you found yourself being convinced this really was the best place for you. Your eyes skipped to the bottom of the sheet, to the handwritten signatures, Ingenium and Deku. 

“Woah,” You breathed, mildly starstruck. You had originally thought that it was just Taiyo who got you out. You would’ve never imagined that two pro heroes would take this much interest in you. In fact, you found yourself a little hurt that they had taken the time to help you. Two perfect strangers handed you a Get Out of Jail Free card on a silver platter, but Taiyo, the pitying man who had worriedly handed you over to the French police for your first year of imprisonment hadn’t even thought to offer you the same luxury.

“Yeah, they want to check up on you.” Tai smiled a little, a proud dad-like gleam in his eye. “Last time they saw you, you looked like Hell.”

“Imprisonment wasn’t my best look,” You shrugged nonchalantly, pushing that painful twist of betrayal back down.

“I can’t imagine it’s anyone’s.” Your friend replied putting the parole proposal back in the file. “Anyway, I’ve got a few check for you to take a look at.”

He passed a second file over as you rolled your eyes. “So much fun,” You collected it and your drink, standing up. “Don’t you have anything challenging?”

“Our guy has a mix of real and fake checks. That’s interesting.” Taiyo insisted.

“No, that’s boring.” You stated. “If anything, it makes my job easier. This guy’s a real amateur.”

. . . . .

Your bosses seemed to think that giving you a surplus of work would make up for it being incredibly easy. It did not. It just made it tedious, and less fun. The first few days of work were interesting, getting to see different forgery techniques and all, but it had quickly just became monotonous.

You sorted through a pile of checks, easily discerning the fakes. Over years of practice, the identifiers where clearer than day to you. The paper being just a fraction heavier than usual, puckered wording where it didn’t belong, ink that didn’t smell quite right, and so on and so forth.

Your computer dinged, indicating an email, and you eagerly allowed yourself to be distracted. You navigated to your emails, and your eyebrows shot up upon reading the sender’s address.

Ingenium@gmail.com

There were no extra numbers or letters thrown in the address for individuality, so it seemed more likely than not to be the real deal. You were unsure why you were surprised. The hero was already coming to visit you, why shouldn’t he email you?

You shook off the initial thrill of being contacted by a pro hero, and clicked to open the message.

(Y/N) (L/N),

Good morning. I’m just writing to remind you that Deku and I will be meeting you at your workplace at 7:00 PM today. We’re looking forward to the visit, and hope you do as well.

Regards,

Ingenium

Another warm thrill dashed through you as you hit Reply. You fingers hovered above the keys, mentally drafting your response. A few words were typed out, before all being discarded, backspacing all the way to Good moring, Ingenium.

After muddling through your simple email and rereading and rewriting it twice,  you finally hit Send, releasing a breath of air you hadn’t realized you’d been holding.

Good morning, Ingenium,

Thank you for your reminder, I’m looking forward to meeting you and Deku in person. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to see me.

See you soon!

(Y/N) (L/N)

“No email should be this stressful.” You reasoned with yourself, rolling your swivel chair away from your desk.

You leaned back, watching the seconds tick by slowly. Each minute seemed to be longer than the last.

8:46

“This is agony.”

[prettyinlimegreenboots]

Twelve Days of Holly Jolly Tidings - Day 12

Disclaimers: I watched “Dash & Lily” the other day on Netflix. This story is LOOSELY based on that book and Netflix series.  I do not own “Dash and Lily” or Newsies or anything recognizable within the series.  There are occasional curse words throughout the series, nothing too horrible but there’s some. 

Catch Up Here

Tuesday, December 24

At exactly eight that morning, a knock sounded on her door. Already ready, she was dressed in a pair of jeans, a thick cable knit sweater and her boots. She had her bag swung across her chest. Throwing open the door, she grinned seeing Jack, dressed similar to her, holding two take away cups. “Good morning m’lady.” 

“Good morning, dear sir.” She took the cup of hot chocolate he offered, leaning in to give him a kiss. “How are you?”

Looking at her from head to toe, he grinned. “Good. You ready for your last adventure?” 

“As ready as I think I can be.” She made sure she had her bag, walking out of her apartment, shutting the door firmly behind her. 

Once outside, Jack offered her his elbow, slipping her arm in the crook of his elbow, grinning as they started their walk down the street. “So I gave you a hint last night . . . any idea where we’re going?” 

She had stayed up, later in her standards, trying to figure out where he was taking her. She had hit up all of her favorite places within the city the last eleven days. “I am officially stumped.”

“Good.” Jack grinned, as she gave him a look, taking a sip of his coffee as she did the same. “I was hoping that you wouldn’t figure it out.” 

Her lip pushed out in a pout as he leaned over and kissed it away. “Don’t worry . . . you’ll figure it out quickly enough.” 

They continued their journey throughout the city, Jack purposely winding throughout the streets, trying to throw her off.  “You’ve got me totally lost.”

He chuckled, glad his plan was working. “Good. We’re almost there.”

“And where exactly is there?” She raised an eyebrow, looking around the neighborhood they were lazily walking through. 

“Ah ah ah . . . nope. You’re not getting any additional hints from me.” Jack tutted, shaking his head. “All will be revealed in a little bit.” 

Nodding, she continued to match his stride as they walked. The neighborhood they were walking through was decked out in full Christmas decorations. She grinned seeing the wreaths deck the doors and the lights strung around the doors and windows. “What are you thinking about?” 

She was knocked out of her daydream by Jack’s questions. “Truthfully?” 

“No, I want you to lie to me.” Jack’s voice was full of sarcasm as she grinned, shaking her head. 

“Haha you’re a funny man. Well . . . I was thinking about how cool it would be to live in one of these brownstones all decked out for the holidays.” She shrugged, sipping on her drink. “They’re all decorated but they all have their own spin on color scheme and decorations.”

Jack nodded, his head swiveling as he took in the decorations. “Is that something you want? To live in a brownstone like this?” 

“I mean, eventually.” She scoffed. “I can’t actually afford anything in this neighborhood.” 

He laughed. “I’m with you on that. But maybe someday.”

“Maybe.” She echoed, getting lost in her thoughts once more, that she failed to notice what they were coming up on, until Jack stopped her, giving her a look. 

“Surprise.” 

Her eyes widened as she took in the many stalls of a Christmas Market at Bryant Park. She had always loved strolling between the booths, looking at everything that was offered and often picking up a Christmas present or two along the way. “You really do know me way too well.” 

“I would hope after five year together that I would know a lot about you.” He teased, as she hip checked him, laughing at his offended pout. 

She leaned forward and kissed him, successfully wiping the pout off his lips. “So what’s the game plan?” 

“I was thinking we’d spend the next few hours wandering in and out of all the booths. We have somewhere to be at 11 so we’ve got some time to wander.” He said, unhooking her arm from the crook of his elbow, opting to lace his fingers with hers. “Do you need to look for anything special?”

She reviewed her list in her head. She was done shopping for everyone in her life. “The only thing I’m looking for is an ornament for this year.” 

“I think we can cross that off your list.” Jack grinned, squeezing her hand. “How about we start wandering and seeing what we’ll come across?”

And so they did just that.  There were about 60 booths and each booth had something different, so it was a must to visit every single booth so as not to miss out on anything.  Jack mostly hung back while Kat talked with the sellers, exciting talking about the holidays and upcoming plans. A few times Kat must’ve said something about him because moments later both Kat and the seller were looking over at him in amusement. He meekly waved, causing both women to giggle and turn back to talking. 

Soon Kat joined him as they wandered through a couple more stalls. As Kat was distracted by one of the booths, Jack wandered off to go look at something. He quickly found what he was looking for, purchasing it and was back at the booth before Kat even knew he was gone. 

She joined him as they continued their journey. “Wanna grab some food?” 

Jack nodded, as they looked around for a place to sit and order some food. A little booth caught their attention and they quickly made their way over to it to order.  Sitting at the table, Jack looked over at Kat with a grin. “Having fun so far?” 

“Yeah.” She grinned. pouting. “But I haven’t found my ornament yet.” 

 Jack looked around the square. “We’ve barely gone to half of the booths. I’m sure there’s going to be something that catches your attention.” 

“You’re right.” She nodded. “Is there anything you’re looking for?” 

Jack shrugged. “I’m not looking for anything in particular. Just browsing, seeing what people are offering.” 

As their food arrived, a band started up just to the left of them. Jack smiled watching Kat sway to the music as she ate her food. “What?” 

“Just watching you and continuing to fall in love with you.” Jack grinned, popping a blueberry in his mouth. 

A light blush crept onto her face as she looked down at her Belgian Waffle. She bit her lip, a smile fighting to appear. “Thank you.” 

“You don’t have to thank me . . . just telling you how it is.” He laughed as they continued to eat in silence, the music from the band a perfect background filler. 

Lifting his fork, he snuck a chunk of her Belgian Waffle as her mouth dropped open. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you don’t steal food from someone’s plate?” 

“You steal my french fries all the time.” Jack gave her a look, his eyes wide challenging her. 

Shrugging, she plucked a strawberry from his plate and popped it in her mouth. “That’s different.” 

“In what way?” He argued back, stealing another piece of waffle, quickly dodging her ill attempt to hit him. 

Taking a sip of her coffee, she mulled it over for a moment. “It’s written in the girlfriend code . . . didn’t you have to sign one when we started dating?” 

“Hmm . . . was that a document in that big stack you gave me before you accepted a date with me?” His eyes went wide as she giggled. 

“Yep!” She continued laughing, pushing her plate away. “That was good but I’m full.” 

Gathering their trash, they quickly disposed of it before lacing hands. Jack pulled her close to him as they started slow dancing along with the band as they played “Winter Wonderland.”  Throwing an arm around his shoulder, she laughed as he led her through the steps. For someone who proclaimed he wasn’t a good dancer, Jack actually did quite well, not messing up at all. 

Once the song was finished, a couple of people clapped around them as blushes crept up both of their faces.  “There’s your daily dose of embarrassment.” 

“Thanks for that.” She squeezed his hand. “You know, you’re actually a pretty good dancer, despite your protests. Who taught you?” 

“Medda actually.” Jack grinned, as her eyes lit up. 

Medda was their residential hall “mother” back in their freshman and sophomore years in college.  She watched out for all of her residents but Spot, Race, Kat, and Jack all held a close place in her heart and she adopted them, along with Albert and Finch. She was the one they would all go to if they couldn’t talk about their issues with anyone - she was that calming presence and they all thought of her as a second mother. Medda was the one to always have a stash of candy in her office and would bake homemade goodies to bring them. More than once in college, they had all arrived on her doorstep in need of a hug and a warm meal. 

“When did she teach you?” Kat asked, as they started their journey towards more booths. 

Jack squeezed her hand, pulling her towards a booth. “Just before Amelia’s wedding.” 

Amelia was Katherine’s freshman roommate who got married just after she and Jack got together. It was the first time Jack had seen Kat in a dress and heels. Though he loved how she looked, it wasn’t anywhere in his top ten favorite looks of hers, not that he would ever tell her that. 

Kat raised an eyebrow as Jack continued. “I was worried about making a fool of myself, since you were a bridesmaid and all. I asked Medda for some help and she roped Race, Spot, and Natalie into helping. Race was natural due to dancing already but Spot and I were a mess.” 

Natalie was Kat’s other roommate and had a fond spot for Jack. “I bet Natalie hated all three of you.” 

“She did . . . until we figured out how to dance and not step on her toes.” Jack chuckled, pausing to look at a couple of knick knacks at a booth. 

“How long did it take you?” Kat asked, looking at a couple of ornaments, not finding what she had in mind. 

Jack sighed, tilting his head back slightly. “I think we practiced for two weeks. I was so nervous when the bridal party had to join Amelia on the dance floor. I just kept thinking to myself not to step on your toes or embarrass you.” 

Throwing an arm over his shoulder, she leaned over and placed a kiss on the corner of his lips. “Can I tell you a secret?” 

“What’s that?” 

“I was so nervous to dance with you. We had only been dating for a couple of weeks at that point and one of our first big outings as a couple was a frickin’ wedding. It was a lot of pressure for a girl . . . not to mention it was all the bridesmaids could talk about once Amelia showed them a photo of you. They all thought you were ruggedly handsome.”  She laughed as Jack stood a little taller at the compliment. “Not to mention how they all hit my shoulder for downplaying how gorgeous you were in real life.” 

Throwing his head back, he laughed loudly. “Little did they know how gone I was for you and didn’t even bat an eye in their direction.” 

“The same was for me.” She kissed him again. 

Jack’s ears perked up as the clock at the church struck 10:30. He looked over at Kat who was purchasing something, glancing over her shoulder at him. He gave her a little wave as she turned back to the seller, murmuring a few words before walking back over to Jack, slipping something in her bag. 

“You good?” He asked, as she glanced around the area, before nodding. “Good. Let’s find a bench . . . there’s something I need to give you.” 

Her eyes lit up at the prospect, slipping her hand into his before letting him lead the way.  They walked for a little bit, getting out of the Christmas Market and heading to Central Park.  They walked for a bit, trying to dodge all of the last minute shoppers as they made their way along the sidewalk. 

Jack tucked her arm in the crook of his elbow, ensuring that she didn’t get lost in the shuffle of the hubba babloo of the city.  He heard her laugh at something as they crossed the street, walking into one of the many entrances of Central Park. Quickly locating an empty bench, Jack led her over to it, pulling the familiar notebook from his coat. “In the rush of the day, I kinda forgot to give you this this morning.” 

Accepting the notebook from him, she slung her bag onto the bench, sitting back and cracking open the book, flipping to the correct page. A smile crossed her lips, seeing a rough sketch of them sitting on the couch in her apartment drawn out on the page for the day. 

Katherine, 

Happy 12th day of Christmas and Happy Christmas Eve. I hope you have had a wonderful morning so far. I kept the Christmas markets for the last day so I could go with you . . . it’s fun to see your face light up at each booth’s offerings and the way you engage with each of the owners. 

So I’m going to let you in on a little secret . . . another favorite outfit of mine. Don’t get too excited but it was the outfit you wore when you first came to volunteer with me at the Children’s hospital. You wrote a red sweater dress, leggings, and your boots but that’s not the only thing I remember from that night. The thing that remains stuck out in that memory is the way you interacted with each child you came in contact with.  You spent so much time with them, them believing you were one of Santa’s elves, they wanted to make sure they told you everything they wanted. And you patiently sat with them, coloring, and making notes so you could tell the Big Guy, or their parents. 

I remember Maggie coming up beside me and telling me I need to keep you in my life somehow because you were real, true, and genuine. And she’s right. You’re all of that. 

Pausing, she hastily wiped away tears that had clouded at her eyes as she read Jack’s words. She heard Jack chuckle as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Keep reading.” 

But what I didn’t tell anyone, or even you until now is that I kept thinking about how amazing you’d be as a mom. You would be patient, loving, kind, and so supportive . . . which got me thinking about our future kids but not for a long, long, long, time. 

Laughing, she shook her head at her boyfriend. continuing to read. 

But that’s not for a long time. Maggie mentioned something that night that has stuck with me all these years. She mentioned how more laid back I am when you’re around. She said that it’s almost that I can relax and not be on edge when you’re around me and it’s so true. I never realized it but it’s really true. 

So we’ve got a few more places to visit before the day is over. Don’t fret . . . just take every moment in. 

Love you, 

Jack 

Closing the book, she tucked it in her bag, leaning over and kissing him. “You never fail to make me cry when I read these entries.” 

“I don’t mean to . . . it’s sometimes easier to write everything down than to tell you face to face.”  He confessed, shrugging before pushing off the bench. “Come on, we’ve got places to go and people to see.” 

Accepting his hand, she grabbed her bag, allowing him to pull her to her feet. Still holding her hand, he tugged her closer to his side. “I love you, Kat. Thanks for going along with my hair brain idea.”

“I love you too, Jack. I’ll always be your sidekick.” She giggled as they made their way through the park.  

As they walked, Kat’s eyes kept dashing around the park, laughing a few times at the kids who were running around while parents walked lazily behind them. Feeling Jack squeeze her hand, she looked over at him with a grin. “Happy?” 

“It’s Christmas Eve, of course I’m happy. It’s fun watching the kids run around in the snow and trying to wear off energy so they don’t drive their parents nuts.” She said as a family caught her eye building a snowman. “My dad used to bring my brothers and me to the park to build snowmen so mom had time to wrap presents. He used to bring us through the Christmas Market in case mom needed more time.  Hot Chocolate was always given as a bribe, not to tell mom what we got up to in those afternoons out.” 

Jack laughed, nodding. “It was similar with dad, Maggie and me. Dad would take us out, giving mom an opportunity to wrap all the presents. Anything that wasn’t from Santa would end up under the tree. Maggie and I couldn’t touch the presents or they would all be shipped back. No matter how many times that was said, they never were. I think my parents were worried the two of us would destroy the house before Christmas morning.” 

“I mean, they probably did have plenty of cause to worry.” Kat grinned while Jack hip checked her. She yelped, shaking her head, giving him a look.  “You know I’m not lying and there’s some truth to the statement.” 

“You’re right . . . Maggie and I were hellions when we were younger. It wasn’t until we both hit our teenage years did we calm down slightly.” Jack admitted sheepishly, while Kat threw her head back and laughed. 

“Part of me would’ve loved to know you in high school and even in the beginning of college but meeting you in Junior year was perfect.” She smiled. 

Jack smiled, as he led her into a more secluded part of the park. “You would’ve hated me in high school and probably even in my freshman and sophomore year of college. I significantly calmed down junior year so I’m glad I didn’t meet you until then. You probably would’ve been running for the hills if I had met you any earlier.” 

“I don’t think I would’ve hated you . . . I think I might have been a bit cautious.” She hesitated to tell him that but didn’t have to worry as he laughed. 

“You were hesitant to date me when you did finally meet me.” He smirked. “I saw you around campus a lot, always surrounded by people. Spot told me your name in Sophomore year and I kept hoping we’d have a class or two together but fate never stepped in.” 

She barked out a laugh. “Spot told you my name?” 

“I mentioned that I saw you around campus once and Spot blurted out your name one time. Him and Race turned that into an opportunity to tease me about you.” Jack shook his head. “Race was especially awful when you and he had that Speech class together. They almost staged a run-in just so they could introduce me to you.” 

“Little did they know we would meet each other all on our own.” Kat beamed as Jack led her through the Bethesda Terrace.  Looking at the architecture and the gorgeousness of the terrace all decked out in Evergreen for Christmas, she looked over at Jack but didn’t see him, until she looked down. 

“I’ve been carrying this around for the last eleven days, trying to figure out a good time to ask you. You have been a bright light in my life for the last five years and I love you. I love you and can’t imagine my life without you in it. Will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?” Jack’s eyebrows rose as he cracked open the ring box. 

Tears clouded her eyes as she nodded excitedly. “Yes, Jack Kelly, I will marry you.” 

Pushing off his knee, he scooped her into his arms, twirling her around as they both cried excitedly. Lowering her to the ground, Jack cupped the side of her face, leaning in and kissing her. “You said yes?” 

“Yes, Jack. Yes, I will marry you.” She said as he kissed her again before they broke apart by clapping within the terrace. Pulling away, they looked at people standing around watching them get engaged. “I guess I should give you this.” 

Showing her the ring box, he took the ring out before slipping it on her ring finger.  She held up her hand, admiring the oval emerald ring, flanked by diamonds as it laid perfectly on her finger.  For the first time, in a long time, she was speechless and didn’t know what to say.  “I love you, Jack. This is gorgeous.” 

“I love you Kat. I’m glad you like the ring - it was actually hard to pick out which one I thought you might like.” Jack leaned forward and kissed her again. “And thank you for saying yes. I didn’t know if you could tell I was nervous.” 

She grinned, shaking her head. “As if I was going to say anything else. And no, I couldn’t tell you were nervous.” 

“As soon as you said yes, all the nerves went away and all I saw was our future.” Jack leaned over and kissed her again.  “I love you fiancé.” 

Her eyes lit up at that name. “Fiancé has a nice ring to it.” 

Several Hours Later

He tugged on her hand as he led her up the path to the house. Squeezing her hand, he pulled her close, kissing her. Opening the door, he tugged her inside, slipping off his shoes, allowing her to do the same before they walked down the hallway to the kitchen. He grinned seeing his parents, Maggie, and Brendan standing there. “About time you two show up. We were starting to worry.” 

Jack grinned at his dad, his eyes glancing over to Kat. “Sorry about that. We got caught up in the afternoon.” 

“It was your last adventure, wasn’t it Katherine?” His mom asked. 

Kat looked from Jack to his mom grinning.  “It was. We hung out in the Christmas Market at Bryant Park.” 

“Good day?” Maggie asked with a knowing grin. 

Jack nodded. “The best.” 

His parents traded glances, looking between their children. “Why do I feel like I’m missing something?” 

Jack pulled Kat close to him, grinning at his family. “Because you kind of are mom. Earlier today, I asked Kat to marry me and she said yes.” 

A cheer went up in the small kitchen as his mom and Maggie came over to hug Katherine while his dad and Brendan came over to shake his hand and congratulate him. Glancing over at Kat, he sent her an air kiss followed by an “I Love You.” 

Later that evening, after dinner was served and things had settled down, Jack and Kat sat on the couch looking at the tree. The gifts have been given, everything unwrapped and oohed and ahhed over.  She had gotten several wonderful gifts from Jack’s parents along with Maggie and Brendan. “Good Christmas Eve?” 

Looking up from admiring her engagement ring, she grinned leaning into Jack. “It was the best. It was wonderful spending time with your family. They’re so excited.” 

“They have always thought of you as a daughter, now it’s official.” Jack pressed a kiss to her lips. “Did you call your parents?” 

Shaking her head, she bit her lip. “No. I figured I’d tell them when they come back from their travels.” 

“Kat!” Jack was astonished at his fiancé’s flippant response. “Don’t you want to tell them?” 

Kat bit her lip and shook her head. “They haven’t been exactly supportive of our relationship in the last five years. Mom has this notion that I’ll marry a doctor while dad thinks I’ll just be alone for the rest of my life.” 

“Your dad doesn’t think you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.” Jack said off handedly, giving his fiancé a look. 

Her eyes went wide, listening to him. “What do you mean? Did you go talk to him?” 

“I may have. I went and saw him the day you went to the hospital.” Jack wrapped his arm around Kat, kissing her forehead. “I wanted to give him the heads up of what I was planning.” 

Kat looked over at him. “Did you ask him for his blessing?” 

“God no.” Jack snorted, shaking his head. “I just told him I was asking you to marry me and I hope he could support that.” 

She nodded, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I love you for doing that. What did he say?” 

“He didn’t say much . . . only that we should have dinner with them when they get back.” Jack sighed, cracking a smile.  “I’m sure that’s as much music to your ears as it is mine.” 

Holding out her hand, she grinned at him. “At least I have my partner in crime by my side. We can do anything together.” 

He laughed, his hands cupping her cheek leaning in, kissing her.  “I love you, forever and always, Kat.” 

“Love you too Kelly, forever and always.” She kissed him again, snuggling deeper into his embrace. 

“So I know I already gave you a gift but I got you a little something else.” He gave her a look, pointing to a lone bag with tissue paper in the corner behind the tree. 

She looked over her shoulder at him as she slid off the couch and onto her knees. Grabbing the bag, she pulled the tissue paper from it before pulling out an item wrapped in tissue paper. “What did you do?” 

“Just open it Kat.” He grinned, watching her carefully unwrap the item. She gasped as her eyes flew up to him. The item was an ornament that had “Just Engaged” painted on it with their names and the date below it. 

She grinned, holding it up so that the porcelain caught the lights of the tree. “It’s gorgeous, thank you.” 

“Got it at the market earlier.” He nonchalantly said, as she wrapped up the ornament before joining him on the couch. 

She eyed him curiously. “How were you so certain that I would say yes?” 

“A tiny part of me was worried about what you said but a bigger part of me knew you were going to say yes.” Jack grinned. “Besides you said that you were looking for an ornament for the year . . . and I think that one fits this year pretty well.” 

Leaning over, she captured his lips in a kiss. “You did good, Jack. I love you.” 

“Love you too Kat.” He smiled, kissing her again. “See you didn’t have to worry about your gift . . . you gave me the best gift by saying yes.” 

She snuggled into his embrace. “Sap.” 

“But you love my sappiness.” He chuckled, pressing a kiss to her head. 

They sat there in silence, enjoying the Christmas tree and reflecting on the last twelve days and the happiness they felt along with gratitude for everything that was in their lives. 

What do you think? Feedback would be wonderful and amazing. Thank you for following along on this journey with me! 

[ruminativerabbi]

Kindness in the Time of Cholera

I’m still up in the air about the whole thing in terms of where this potential catastrophe may be heading. But what seems beyond dispute to me is that we should be heeding the advice of those wise experts specifically whose counsel is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And equally clear to me is that we should be insisting unwaveringly that the government put the responsibility and authority to deal with this looming crisis squarely and solely in the hands of scientists, public health officials, physicians, and epidemiologists…and as far as possible from the hands of politicians.  

One of the most intelligent essays about the coronavirus outbreak that I’ve read, by Donald G. McNeil Jr., was published in the New York Times just this week (click here) and I recommend it highly to you. Basically, he observes that there are two ways to deal with a looming pandemic. There’s the modern method of bringing to bear the full force of modern technology to identify the infected, to perfect a vaccine, to develop new strains of drugs to deal with the already-ill, etc. And then there’s the medieval method of locking the infected inside their own cities, closing borders, forbidding international travel or commerce, and quarantining people who may have inadvertently been exposed to the virus until the danger passes and the infected either recover or die.

The latter approach, the one McNeil calls “medieval,” surely does have an old-fashioned feel to it. And it equally surely features a harshness that will make most moderns uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t work and hasn’t worked. President Benjamin Harrison, for example, apparently successful kept America safe from an outbreak of virulent cholera in 1892, for example, by closing American harbors to any ships arriving from Germany, the epicenter of that particular epidemic in Europe. But, as McNeil goes on to muse, just how possible would that approach be today really? The word “quarantine” derives from the Italian word for “forty” and came to have its current meaning because the Venetian Republic had the very successful idea during the Black Death plague epidemic in the mid-fourteenth century of requiring that all ships arriving in their port be isolated for a full forty days before their crew could come ashore or their cargo be unloaded. But Venice has one harbor and its masters had the ability absolutely to control the comings and goings of boats in and out of their city, whereas it is very hard to imagine that approach being fully successful in our globalized world of highly porous borders and uncontrolled (and uncontrollable) interstate travel. Nor am I only theorizing here. The Chinese actually have turned Wuhan, the city where the virus first erupted into the world, into a single huge quarantine zone. But the virus behind COVID-19 is still spreading dramatically in the world, both inside and outside of China.

The Jewish world has yet another way to combat a pandemic, one that was the subject of a fascinating piece on the Lehrhaus website that I read just last week. The essay, by Jeremy Brown, the director of the Office of Emergency Care Research at the National Institute of Health, concerns a long-forgotten ceremony developed specifically to address the possibility of epidemiological catastrophe: the shvartze chasaneh, literally “the black wedding.” (To read the full essay, click here.) The name, derived from the fact that brides normally wear white to their own weddings, was intended to suggest that the wedding in question is not just the union of an affianced couple eager to wed under a chuppah, but something else entirely—something rooted not in love and devotion, but in fear and community-wide anxiety.

As far as anyone knows, the last time anyone participated in a shvartze chasaneh was in 1918 at the peak of the Spanish flu epidemic. I’ve heard people mention that specific epidemic many times in the last few weeks, but even by today’s standards the numbers are still astounding. Five hundred million people around the world were infected, about a third of the entire population of the world. (Click here for more on that almost unbelievable number.) The death toll is estimated by most authorities to have been somewhere between forty and fifty million people, but some authorities put it as high as one hundred million. Life expectancy in the United States dropped by twelve years after just one year of the epidemic. This was a terrible time, the cataclysmic coda to the orgy of senseless killing that was the First World War. And the pandemic lasted for three full years, from the beginning of 1918 through the end of 1920.

The idea of the shvartze chasaneh itself is a simple one: the community seeks out a single man who is disabled, orphaned, and/or impoverished and arranges for him publicly to marry a similar destitute and handicapped woman. The ceremony takes place, as would any normal Jewish marriage, under a chuppah. But this chuppah is set up in a cemetery—perhaps as a way of inviting the dead to participate in the simchah—and then the community showers the couple with gifts, including gifts of cash, in the hope that this great act of kindness towards the especially needy will somehow avert the plague.

To document his research, Brown uncovered an account of one of these “black weddings” that took place in Philadelphia in 1918 during the height of the Spanish flu epidemic. Citing from a contemporary newspaper account published in the Public Ledger of Philadelphia, Brown reports that one Fanny Jacobs and one Harold Rosenberg were married just behind the first row of graves in the Jewish cemetery near Cobbs Creek, Pennsylvania, on Friday afternoon on October 25, 1918. A certain Rabbi Lipschitz presided; a full thousand spectators showed up to witness the union. And then, to quote the newspaper story directly, “spectators filed solemnly past the couple and made them presents of money in sums from ten cents to a hundred dollars, according to the means and circumstances of the donor, until more than $1,000 had been given.” And the point of the operation was also made explicit in the newspaper account: so that “the attention of God be called to the affliction of their fellows if the most humble man and woman among them should join in marriage in the presence of the dead.”

Nor was this something invented on the spot to deal with the influenza epidemic. The earliest report of a shvartze chasaneh goes back to 1785, when one was performed in the presence of two of the greatest hasidic masters, Rabbi Elimelech of Lizhensk and Rabbi Yaakov Yitzchak Halevi Horowitz (the latter better known today as the Seer of Lublin), and was intended to address an outbreak of cholera. Brown reports that similar wedding ceremonies took place for orphaned teenagers in Jerusalem and Tzfat in 1865 during an infestation of locusts that threatened to destroy the food source for the entire country. (The picture is of the one in Jerusalem.) They must have been quite something to see, those ceremonies: the one in Jerusalem took place amidst the graves on the Mount of Olives and the one in Tzfat took place in the old Jewish cemetery there, where the chuppah was set up between the graves of Rabbi Isaac Luria and Rabbi Joseph Karo, each in his own way the spiritual leader of an entire generation of Jewish people. Other such ceremonies took place in Berdichev in 1866 and at Opatow in 1892, which town Joan and I actually visited last summer. 

The Philadelphia ceremony inspired at least one further attempt to ward off the flu epidemic: on November 11, 1918—the very day of the armistice that ended the war—a similar wedding was held in Winnipeg, duly reported in the Winnipeg Evening Tribune under the headline “Hebrews Hold Wedding of Death to Halt Flu.”

I do not think—at least not yet—that we should consider going this route at the current time with respect to COVID-19. But I do think that we could be inspired—and profoundly—by the idea that underlying our response to what could conceivably turn into a world-wide pandemic should be the same sense Jews of a different day had that one responds to the possibility of disaster by being kind and generous, by reaching out formally and publicly to the most needy, by focusing on the future and not solely on the calamity at hand, and by refusing to abandon our most basic values merely because we suddenly find ourselves negotiating straits that even a few months ago were unknown to any of us. The notion that the correct response to looming catastrophe lies in deeds of compassion and charity is very resonant with me personally. My plan for the moment is to wash my hands carefully and often, to leave the real decision making to the kind of public health experts who actually know what they are talking about, and to try to avert the worst by ramping up Joan and my gifts of charity to the poor and the most needy, and I encourage you to do the same!

[polandspringz]

Director’s Cut of My Fic “I’d Rather Be Dry” Part 2 (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3 was probably the most painful chapter of a fic I’ve ever had to write, and not because I was sad writing the sad scenes. No, this fic was physically painful to write because it took 3 days and I was struggling to sit down and write it the entire time because even though I had the whole thing planned out, I just felt like I was dragging through it and eventually had to change some things to speed it up a bit. Still, it ended up being the longest chapter because I had to tie up so many loose ends! Luckily for me, my beta-reader @primal-shitposts​ read it through for me again, so I didn’t have to suffer again!!! If you want to support not only me but my beta-reader who makes sure my fic lacks grammar errors (and also gives you this great commentary on these types of posts), please go to their art blog @primal-interstellar​ and give their artwork some love!!! They deserve it after slogging through this mess of a fic for a game they don’t even play.

Since there are a lot of funny quotes from this proof-read, I’ll post them all under read more. Beta-reader (Primal) is in pink. If you see blue text, that’s me typing stuff in frantically before she skipped to the next line:

I actually originally wrote the opening scene with Satan in a lot more detail. It dropped us in the present where he was in the office, and Diavolo and everyone was just looking on as he slowly ran out of energy. But, I got about 3 pages in and realized it was dragging and so I cut it and swapped it for a flashback on the walk home.

While I intended for this to be a much more dramatic anime scene of Satan just silent as he ran out of steam and could barely move his arms save for slapping the guy, I love this interpretation.

I CAN’T EXPLAIN WHY BUT THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST COMMENT IN THE DOCUMENT. NOTHING TOPPED THIS. I DON’T UNDERSTAND BUT IT’S SO OUT OF LEFT FIELD IT HAD ME DYING

Primal knows about Lucifer birthing Satan because the moment I started playing the game I made her watch a crack video with me that mentioned it. Although I know she likes Leviathan cause sea monsters, I’m convinced Satan might be one of her favorites. On a side note, writing dialogue for Satan is very hard because he is very proper but when he snaps, I always feel unsure of whether it sounds believable or just like a string of curses that a twelve year old would think sounds cool. 😎 I do like the father/son dynamic Lucifer and Satan hint at though (and from what I hear the new lessons might be adding on to that? oWO)

I honestly don’t know how the demons who attacked MC aren’t dead yet. They’re basically disfigured and then Satan just doubled the damage and then tripled it in the council room this chapter. Somehow they’re not dead though! I wonder what MC will have to say about their punishment...

QUICK, SOMEONE DRAW SATAN WITH THE CRAFTING TABLE STARING AT THE DOOR WHILE THE EQUATIONS FLY BY HIS HEAD

I did choose the “yes” option when Beel asked to eat me in the animal event. It was not because of vore though, but I do make many vore jokes. I could imagine MC being forced to explain vore to Lucifer (or all the brothers) after making a joke and them being confused. Writing Beel’s breakdown this chapter wasn’t initially planned, and it was sort of what really started to make writing this fic slow down because as you might notice throughout the fic, I suddenly felt the need to give every brother an equal amount of screen time which sort of led to me RUNNING OUT OF VERBS for how to make each breakdown unique.

Okay, so the next part. I was actively seeing the comments as they popped up, but there was a delay with the comment box on the side appearing before the actual comments in the text. So, I saw this:

And had two seconds to go “Oh no” before this was added:

From here on it was chaos.

Listen, the boys are idiots. They’re all concerned, Mammon just doesn’t want MC to get upset again. In reality, this sort of dialogue stemmed more from me still lingering on the original idea of the fic. The original concept of this fic (when it was just a one-shot) was MC still getting attacked by a demon in the locker-room showers (for their soul) but because I was originally thinking about a female reader, I knew that it could have more of an undertone for sexual assault. I actually first discussed the fic idea with Primal months back when I first got into Obey Me, because I wanted to write a snippet of each brother helping MC after the event (it wasn’t going to be extreme, I was thinking more accidental scratches during the scuffle closer to the chest and such and maybe the assailants having more dialogue demeaning MC for being around the 7 brothers all the time) but I realized I didn’t have much experience with that and it would make writing scenes that I thought about (such as Asmo wanting to give MC a bath as aftercare) difficult as I could see someone after an attack like that not wanting to be in a bathroom with someone else or be vulnerable to them. I ended up playing with that idea in my previous Mammon fic with more different comfort aspects and touching on that kind of assault briefly, so this fic ended up just being focused on the brothers’ being upset over what happened to MC.

As much as writing Satan’s angry dialogue is a pain, I have fun making him talk with a more formal tone, it’s closer to how I normally talk, and prefer to write my characters talking. I have no problem writing contractions or more casual speech, but for one of my fantasy stories, where I’m writing in English but trying to differentiate different languages through italics or just whether they use certain contractions or not, I tend to really stress the characters that use absolutely zero and more complicated synonyms. 

I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS IF MC JUST ASKED FOR SOUP OUT OF THE BLUE I’M IMAGINING ASMO BEING LIKE “BITCH I TOOK ALL THIS TIME DEBATING OVER HOT OR COLD TEA AND NOW YOU’RE SAYING YOU’RE FINE WITH HOT SOUP???”

I know the shower idea may have been really corny or cringey. I know a lot of people write things like the water in Devildom as being much hotter (cause their near hell and their demons! It makes sense, also I think Asmo might have mentioned in a text chat he would make the water cooler for MC? But I could be wrong) but I imagine their is some demons who aren’t powerful enough to handle a lot of the settings. Of course though, our demon bros are 7 of the highest demons in Devildom, so they’re immune.

*Slaps this comment* Congrats, Primal. You just summarized the entire chapter.

I find Leviachan to be such a funny nickname, mainly because writing any dialogue for Levi makes me cringe because while I was a VERY big weeaboo in elementary and middle school, I was so lucky I never hit his stage of acting like an otaku. While it’s charming, having to type him in more modern fic is even more painful because it’s like “oh god he actually goes into the real world and talks like this). Sidenote, I always mispronounce Levi’s name when I’m talking about him, mainly because I have to remember so many anime characters where their name is pronounced Lee-Vai or I just think of the brand of jeans (fashion major brain). So, whenever I’m talking out loud about him to someone, I have to stop and be like, “Levi... Leviachan...Leviathan...” because that “a” sound corrects my brain to how it’s supposed to be.

*throws confetti again* Believe I felt the pain of this fic dragging through every boy going back on their character development I had given them but I felt it was only fair that each of them got time with MC. As the tag on archive says, “everybody gets time to shine with MC”. (I really just want to write Barbatos’ scene for chapter 4 though)

This scene was hard to write because I wanted Levi to get closure on the scene with MC, but I couldn’t have him straight up kabedon them because then he would be cornering them and I thought that would be too much like what MC went through in the shower. Although I didn’t write anyone in explicitly summarizing what happened to MC, and Levi saw the least of it, I think he’s seen enough series depicting it to know that cornering them would be bad, but he still wants to show that he loves them and cares about them. Also, when I was writing this, I remember just going through a counter of who got the most smooches in chapter 3. Originally only Mammon was going to get 2, putting him in the lead above everyone who got 1, but then I felt back for giving Levi the least screen time and just gave him 3.

Honestly, chapter 3 really took a turn for a more intimate chapter??? Especially with Asmo’s one-on-one scene with MC, it was all downhill from there. I have noticed with quarantine, my writing has become more focused on touch (if you read any of my Balance:Unlimited fics or even my Mammon fic, you would definitely die if you tried to do a drinking game with the number of times someone TOUCHES the other gently). It’s just an unfortunate projection issue that comes with writing.

And here is complete chaos. I had blocked this game from my memory and then I was forced to remember it right here. 

Removing these meme images from the fic text will be tedious, and painful. But, I am preserving them here. (I type up these directors’ cuts before publishing the final version of the fic, so I don’t lose the comments)

I’m not even at lesson 16 yet, but based on all the spoilers I read, watched, and scene for research purposes, I’m pretty sure it was more of a-

This is what writing 11k+ words for one chapter worth it. The final read through I get to enjoy things like this.

I wish Belphie was 7′2″. 😳 I like Beel but Belphie is one of my favs. Ironically enough he was the one who skipped this fic. (I’ll make it up to you one day, Belphie fans.... will we ever know what they talked about and what made Belphie cry? Personally, I think it’s like the iceberg effect Hemingway talked about, and says more under the surface... it’s totally not because I got burned out, lolololol.... 🤭)

I WAS ACCIDENTALLY FEEDING DIALUCI STANS but again, if you’ve read my Mammon fic, you probably know my true thoughts on Diavolo and Lucifer’s relationship. This fic is so MC focused, I wasn’t intending to write it in so much, Diavolo was just supposed to order Lucifer to go home, that’s it. But, I got rejuvenated when I hit Lucifer’s scene, because I knew it was the homestretch for the chapter! I really played up a Hamilton reference accidentally, having the “Go home” line repeated, because it just felt like the vibe the scene was getting at. I am hoping to explore Diavolo and Lucifer’s relationship more in my modern au fic, Siberia.

I hate tumblr because if I attach a link in the initial post, this won’t appear in the tag, but Primal’s comment here made me think of this art I saw of Lucifer and Satan the other day by ObsessiveAlice (I don’t want to tag them because they’ll be so confused by this long unrelated post! But I’ll put the link to their art in the notes/replies on this post, so check them out!!!)

I know it wasn’t the most romantic kiss but again I WAS RUNNING OUT OF WAYS TO MAKE THE BROTHERS HAVE UNIQUE SCENES SO I GOT DESPERATE.

And that’s the end!!! Again, if you liked the fic, more than giving me a like or reblog, please go check out Primal’s wonderful artwork @primal-interstellar​ !!! She does a lot of great oc work and it needs more recognition!!! Almost all of my fics would never get posted without her help, so please, please, please show her support! (She has an animatic she just made which I will also link in the replies!!! Please give that love too!!!)

Anyway, if you made it to the end, I don’t know if you got a laugh out of this, but I hope you enjoyed the fic commentary somewhat! I was going to post chapter 3+4 at the same time like I did the prior chapters, but chapter 3 took so long I had to just lay on my floor for 3 hours earlier today to take a break from it, lol. Luckily, I’m very excited for chapter 4, so it shouldn’t take as long!!! 

[janblog]

Parasite: tumblr Is Still A Viable Blog Website edition

parasite : something something society

        The 2019 movie Parasite tells the story of a poor family who employs at a rich family’s home with falsified information. This movie takes place somewhere in South Korea, primarily at  the Kim family's place of residency and the Parks’. The time this story takes place is in the modern age, most likely 2018, when the movie began filming. I’d be pedantic and put flavor text such as “the movie delves into the lives of people in different classes” and “the movie brings into light the unfair aspects of modern life” but that has already been said countless times since the release of the film. Instead of that, I’ll just say that the film is amazing and magnificent and now we can move on.

          The goal for this project is to pass, since due to negligence and lack of a group this has been left in the gutter for weeks. Obviously, the main goal is to give a knowledgeable understanding of the film and how it serves the purpose of the topic the teacher “taught” us. Of course, since this is a text about my understanding of the film, my take on the topics of the film will be included. If, for whatever reason, you overestimated my capability of making a project originally intended to be worked on by a group by myself, you will be surprised to know that I am (ironically, just like the characters in the film) leeching off the success of others. These “others” shall remain anonymous, but thank you for letting me use your project as a reference point.

Topic One (1): deviance and conformity.

Theory One (1) of deviance: Strain Theory

In this paragraph, I would like to bring up the topic of one Robert K. Merton’s Strain Theory, which states that people who commit crimes are likely stressed or, as the name implies, strained by a certain variable, such as making a group project by yourself, twelve days past the appointed deadline. On the topic of the strain theory, I’d like to bring into question the scene wherein the Kim family forges documents in order to gain employment in the Parks’ home. Although the strain theory is present in most parts of the film, I just decided to use this one. The high standards of today’s society demands too much from the Kim family’s poverty, so they must cope by lowballing and scamming people for money. The main focus of this film (among other things) is that the Kim family is forging their way into the Parks family in order to leech of their earnings, like a parasite. Back to the forging scene, you can clearly see that not one of the Kims are against this method of earning money, as they have been doing it for a long time. They have clearly been tired of the strain that society places on them, and they are okay with doing these methods in order to get by.

Theory Two (2) of deviance: Labelling Theory

In this paragraph, I would like to bring up the Labelling Theory, which states that the actions, behavior, and self-identity of a certain person can be influenced by the labels used to describe them. Throughout the film (or rather, the beginning part where they formulate the plan), the Kim’s label their acts of connivery as (and I’m paraphrasing here) “what they must do to survive”, which means that they must commit these scams to live. Due to this label that they give their criminal actions, they perceive it as acts they must do to get by, like how one would work a nine-to-five in order to get by. Really short tangent, but it’s a prominent thing in the first parts of the film.

Topic Two (2): parenting style.

Proposal One (1) of parenting style: Neglectful

A feature in this film is that there are parents. Two of them are even main characters, wow! And like any “woke person” in the twenty-first century, I will critique the parenting style of fictional characters, even though no one asked me to, because my opinion matters, and people should listen to me dictating how they should live their lives, fictional or not. In my onion (if you noticed that typo, good job, you’re paying attention), there are two styles of parenting; Neglectful and Authoritative. I believe that there is a Neglectful parenting style present since the parents live in sin, thus they never saw it fit to teach their children proper morals because, you know, crime. 

Proposal Two (2) of parenting style: Authoritative

Although a Neglectful and Authoritative parenting style may seem contradictory, it is present in the parenting style of the Kims. Google says authoritative parenting is “combination of warmth, sensitivity, and the setting of limits. Parents use reinforcement and reasoning to guide children.”. This means that the Kims set limits for their children, and use their twisted reasoning to make their children come up with more ideas on how to scam people. Ah, family.

Topic Three (3): experiencing personality through socialization

this is the long one.

Part One (1) of Four (4): socialization

The strange and mysterious act of socialization is present in the relationship between the Kim family members. Throughout the film, we can see them helping each other out of their predicaments and situations, although through acts that are probably highly illegal and morally questionable. 

Part Two (2) of Four (4): Personality

  Google says “Personality is the internal characteristic of a person while behavioral is the external characteristic that a person shows to a person or group of people.”, and I believe that personality is present throughout the entire film. Every prominent character has a clear personality that they showcase throughout their scenes. You can clearly see how each character behaves differently from one another. In this scene, you can clearly see how Ki-taek is irritated and angry at the fact that the Parks saw the rain as a blessing, when it ruined the Kim family’s house. You can see that he is angry at how an event that devastated his household is being described as “a blessing” from someone so high up the social ladder. However, he just looks like a grumpy man, most likely angry at the traffic or something. His personality and his behavioral expressions shine through the amazing acting by Song Kang-ho.

Parts Three (3) and Four (4) : Theories of Socialization

Theory One (1): the looking glass theory

Google says that the Looking Glass Theory is about “people shaping who they are based on what other people think of them”. In this scene, Ki-woo is “critiquing” art. Of course he isn’t, because he has no professional experience and education in the arts, and to him they’re probably just weird doodles that cost way too much. However, since the Parks view him as a highly educated person (through forged documents), they expect him to be well-versed in this field. And I still believe it’s a chimpanzee.

Theory Two (2): the I and Me theory

We can use the same scene above as an example for this. George Herbert Mead states that “The “me” is the social self and the “I” is the response to the “me. ” In other words, the “I” is the response of an individual to the attitudes of others, while the “me” is the organized set of attitudes of others which an individual assumes.”. In this scene, the “Me” is the way the Parks see Ki-woo as someone highly educated and very smart, while the “I” is Ki-woo agreeing with the way the Parks see him, even though it isn’t true.

Conclusion:

Parasite is a pretty good movie. It goes into a lot of topics about class, the divide between those classes, and a lot of other things. It makes the modern people do what they normally don’t do, which is use their brains and think about how they treat others of a lower class. The film also shows us how some people have to resort to scams and forgery in order to survive, and the possible repercussions of that kind of life. We also get to see the blatant obliviousness that people of higher status have towards the difficulties and problems of the people below them(see: rain scene). It shows us the benefits and dangers of using lies and deceit for personal gain. It shows us how gaining someone’s trust through these lies can lead to harsh results. It also shows us a kid in a native american outfit. Pretty cute. 

The movie shows us the two sides of the coin of humanity, good and evil, and how one side can disguise as the other for selfish benefit. The Kims are good in the sense that they help each other out, and have a strong bond with each other. Yet they are also evil in the sense that they are getting by in life by scamming people out of their money. The Parks are good in the way that they help people they know, and are kind to their children. And they are also evil in the way that they don’t help the people who are obviously struggling in life, and those who have experienced disaster. A lesson to take away from this movie is that everyone is both good and evil, and a person who is fully good is hard to find in today’s environment.

In the act of forging their way into employment of a rich family, and living off their wealth, the Kim family are the namesake of the film, Parasites. The way the weird dude who lives in the basement leeches off the Parks by just living in their basement free of charge is also parasitic. There’s a lot of symbolism in this film that I think falls on most of the people who watch it. I highly recommend you watch this movie, it’s pretty good. 

After watching this movie countless times (i can actually count how many times, but nah), I can say that the message of this movie is still not lost on me. I can watch the movie and still go “oh wow this really speaks about ______”. Its value does not diminish after every re-watch. It’s also a nice family movie, probably. You just have to sit through an awkward 30 second scene which I will not tell you about.

[elopez7228]

Scenic Route 34/47

Read on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/18268208/chapters/43229774 

Start over : https://elopez7228.tumblr.com/post/620919089893933056/scenic-route-0147

***

Rey sat in the grass, contemplating the decision she had to make. The car was ready. BB8 was chasing crickets around.  Right now, almost no one knew her location on the remote campground. But she couldn’t stay there forever. She was furious at Ben...but somehow she couldn’t forget about the night they had spent together. Just thinking about it sent shivers down her spine.  

No, she had to act rationally.

It was a mistake to let Leia and Ben take advantage of her. She had been too rash, too trusting for her own good. She didn’t doubt Syed’s intentions; she had also seen Skylar’s brutality with her own eyes. And something told her they wouldn’t be fooled by bear spray twice. She wished she had been even firmer with Ben that it was his responsibility to reign in the lunatics on his team...

But the doubts crept in. What if he couldn’t do it? Or, what if he didn’t actually want to? Worse yet, what if he never really loved her at all? It was hard to wrap her head around his actions. His kisses were ardent, by all accounts he was even more earnest than he had been that night in Jackson Hole.

Sleeping with him hadn’t felt like a trophy fuck or a one night stand, she had felt like an empress. He’d been so focused on her pleasure, on unraveling her with a gentleness that almost seemed out of character. Still as driven as ever, but sweeter, somehow. No one had made love to her like that in ages.

Was that all in order to get his hands on the microchip? Beneath all her righteous anger she’d hoped that it had been a misunderstanding. Maybe then it would’ve been less painful.

Maybe it was time to embrace the obvious: Cupid had it out for her. Just like with Finn, when things were finally looking up, everything came crashing down.

What now?

She thumbed through her contacts mindlessly. She ought to check in on Poe, but she hardly felt like it. Calling Jessica seemed even worse.

It rang just then, startling her.

Ben Solo.

Was he about to tell her that Syed had been put in the naughty corner? Probably not.

“Yes, Ben?” She sighed.

“Please don’t hang up.”

She wasn’t going to, but it was nice of him to insist. She relented.

“What is it this time?”

“Syed and Skylar are looking for the Falcon. You can’t hope to get away in that car.”

“I see you haven’t been successful in convincing them to leave me alone. Also, this is escalating rather quickly, isn’t it?”

“Look, I’m sorry I put you in this situation, I—“

“Yeah, I suppose you should be,” Rey tried to cut  him off, but Ben was determined.

“Whatever I did before, I regret it, and I’m trying to protect you now. So let me finish. You need to change cars.”

She snorted derisively. “Do you think I have that kind of money? Besides, your mother trusted me with the Falcon, am I really just suppose to let it rot somewhere?”

“No, no, don’t worry. I’m sending Kelsi Ren your way. Switch with her, and try to gain a few hours on Syed and Skylar.”

“And if I refuse?”

“You won’t make it past ten miles. Syed’s out for blood.”

“Is that a threat?”

Ben hesitated to respond. Rey could hear his uneven breathing on the other side.

“Rey, I know I fucked up,” he said hoarsely. “You don’t have to forgive me, but you have to trust me.”

“Trust is a big ask. As for forgiveness, we’ll see. I guess I don’t have a choice about the car...”

“I’m not trying to force you, but it’s your best option. I mean it.”

Rey rolled her eyes. Really, what alternative did she have? She sighed again.

“When will Kelsi be here?”

“Ten minutes, she’s on the way. When she gets there, switch the registration papers too. Don’t talk to her, don’t answer any questions.”

“It’s not like I’ll invite her to tea,” she grumbled as she hung up.

Ben wasn’t kidding: a large Lincoln Nautilus pulled up next to the Millenium Falcon in a matter of minutes. To Rey’s chagrin, it wasn’t quite large enough to fit her mattress, so they were back to sleeping in the car. At least this one had air conditioning. That would be a welcome change.

She supposed she should call Leia about the Falcon soon. She had promised to deliver both the car and the dog, but perhaps Leia would be receptive to the “looming killers” argument. Desperate times called for desperate measures...

Kelsi emerged from the car. Rey had seen her on stage before, but she was different out of costume, in broad daylight. She looked good in her ripped jeans and hiking boots, though she appeared younger now. Short platinum blonde hair framed her face, which was well-hidden beneath a combination of dark sunglasses and a tattered shawl that wrapped around her shoulders.

“Are you Rey?” She asked casually as she approached.

“Yeah. Here’s my car,” she replied, gesturing to the aging Oldmobile Cruiser.

The blonde grimaced, muttering something about a shitty last minute plan under her breath.

“Here’s the keys and the papers. The tank is loaded. Where’re you headed?”

Ben’s voice echoed in Rey’s head: don’t answer any questions. She realized it was time to play the clueless tourist again, since everyone seemed to think she excelled at the role.

"I don’t know,” she said, giving Kelsi her blankest smile. “I’ll just hit the road I guess. Go wherever life takes me.”

“Whatever,” Kelsi grumbled, mostly to herself. In an almost mechanical gesture, she handed Rey the keys and the registration document.

Now it was time to move the contents of the Falcon. Rey cleared out the glovebox, suddenly noticing that the toy car was gone. She panicked when she realized that Luke’s address was still there. Had Ben found it the other night? If that was the case, he now knew her location and her destination. And that meant he knew his uncle’s address. But he never once said anything. Another day, another game of hide and seek.

“Ugh, this piece of crap reeks of dog!” Kelsi complained. Behind her, Rey snorted. Good luck with that, princess.

Finally, Rey moved BB8’s toys and food bowl to the back seat of the Lincoln before getting behind the wheel. The engine revved up smoothly, and she instantly knew this was a major upgrade compared to the Falcon. It also came with a leather interior, GPS, and Bluetooth. Score! The rest of this trip was going to be so much fun.

She put her sunglasses on and adjusted her seat. Time to hit the road again!

For a little while she basked in the feeling of relief, forgetting that she was currently a crazy old woman’s pawn with no other plans in life, on the run from a pair of assassins and leagues away from her dying ex-husband.

She drove carefully out of Bozeman on Highway 89. She connected her phone to the Bluetooth system, finally deciding to give Poe a call. The conversation was brief as Finn was stable and nothing had changed. Rey neglected to mention her own circumstances because she didn’t want her friends in England to worry more than they already did.

Now that she thought about it, she wasn’t as scared as before. Was this her new normal—travelling alone, confronting bears, flirting with rockstars, and outrunning gangs? Despite the risks, she had never felt more alive.  

She slowed the car as she approached what looked like a police barricade. Rey was about to pull the window down when the officer standing there motioned for her to keep going.

But by now her good humor had suddenly disappeared. Ben had said that she wouldn’t make it ten miles in the Falcon. Was this barricade the proof? Did FORCE really have the means to intercept her like that? The idea was so terrifying that she pushed it away.

She was headed even further west, in the direction of Idaho. It was 8 AM now. If she drove for another twelve hours, she could spend the night in Reno, Nevada. From there, San Francisco would only be four hours away. Rey would find Luke Skywalker, give him his dog and the microchip, and live the rest of her average life in peace.

Eventually, she would have to call Leia Skywalker, but right now she needed some dial-in advice from her Fairy Godmother.

“Rey, good morning! How was the concert?”

Concert? Maz’s question was brimming with so much enthusiasm that it took Rey’s brain scrambled to catch up. Ah yes, that concert. Before...before everything. The old woman listened patiently as Rey explained the events of that night, and the unexpected consequences.

“Rey. Rey! Listen to me, I don’t quite get the story behind this micro-SD thing, but it sounds important. So as far as I understand, group A hid this thing on you without your knowledge, and group B, the gang, is looking for it. And you’re angry at group A but you forgive them, while also being in love with the leader of group B, who you’re in a spat with right now. Is that it?”

“I am not in love with—“ her voice broke off mid-sentence.

Who was she kidding? She couldn’t even lie to herself anymore.

Maz was silent, allowing Rey to internalize her revelation.

“What about him?” She asked Rey gently, “Is he not in love either?”

“I don’t know, Maz. He’s been chasing  me for a week with his smoldering looks and his  but-I’m-a-sentimental-beast  love songs. And last night he was—“

Rey sighed.

“Last night he was so genuine. Or so I thought. I believed his affections, and I believed his words too. But this morning he was sending me mixed signals. On one hand he was rummaging through my stuff while I slept, but on the other he just gave me a new car.”

“Rey, I’ve met Syed. She didn’t seem like a very nice woman. I’m willing to believe that she will hurt you, especially now that she has a bone to pick. So why is Kylo Ren risking himself to protect you, after he put you in danger?”

“Ben Solo. It’s Ben Solo who’s trying to protect me, not Kylo Ren.”

“What’s the difference?”

As Rey mulled the question over in her head, it dawned on her that she had always seen a clear distinction between Kylo Ren and Ben Solo. Why?

“Kylo Ren is just a persona. He’s a spy who operates the gears and collects the debts for FORCE. Ben Solo has a more complicated backstory involving his parents, and he doesn’t stand a chance against real villains like Syed Ren. He was the one who kissed me last night.”

“And the man who was looking for the microchip as you slept, who was he?”

“Definitely not the same guy who offered me a car so that I could escape.”

“It looks to me like this boy has a lot of soul-searching to do. I don’t know if you can help with his problems. Take the car for now and get as far away from them as you can! Go find yourself some shelter and let the boy figure out his own life. He’ll come back to you if he really means to.”

Rey contemplated this in silence. It was simple enough to worry about herself for now and let Ben come back when he was ready. It seemed reasonable, doable.

When their conversation came to an end, Rey stopped at Three Forks to get breakfast and buy a few more supplies for the journey. Ideally, she would make as few stops as possible to really stay ahead. Feeling a renewed sense of determination, she was ready to face the world again.

This part of the Rockies was different than the area east of the Teton, which she had passed on arrival. In Wyoming she had driven past dry mountain prairies that were almost desert-like. The other side of the mountain chain was much hillier, reminiscent of the Alpine countryside. She spotted grassy knolls, valleys, and snowy mountain peaks set against the flowery plains.

She followed the valley south, feeling lighter and lighter with each passing kilometer. There was no one behind her. No menacing SUV, no Syed in sight. Could it be that all her worries were immaterial?

Well, there was one person she still had to worry about contacting: Leia Skywalker.

[fallenfurther]

Conflict

Here a Post Episode fic for Episode 3: Space Race (I know I’m pushing into the wrong week but I only got this finished today. Also it was written on a night shift/post night shift so I have no idea how it compares to my normal writing.) 

This also contains my interpretation of the cause of the Global Conflict. This is purely from my head, because they never say anything about it. 

*****

The war had started fast, and the brutality went beyond anything anyone could have imagined. There were multiple fractions, multiple countries clubbing together to fight for their best interests. Those in charge never thought the people though, never spared a thought for the most vulnerable. Her husband and brother had matched for them, had taken up the call to arms, not for president or country, not because they believed in the cause. No, they enlisted for the money, for the guarantee of a meal. They had been promised good pay, pay that would keep their family going in these uncertain times. The families would have been able to stay in their homes. Except her husband and brother had been killed within a week. The transport they were on had been shot down. Sasha had also lost her job when a bomb blew up the offices she worked in, not that it could have supported the family, now made up of her two daughters and now her parents. The rent on her small two bed apartment had been the cheapest so her parents moved in. It had been cramped, and the fear of more bombs kept everyone on edge.

Maybe that was why they had approached her, because they knew she would jump at the money. It matched the wages her husband would have made and more, it also came with a completion bonus, a massive completion bonus. Or maybe it was the shielding project she had been working on for the government. Or maybe it was just a bit of both. Not that it mattered why they chose her, what mattered was that they had, and she had accepted at the opportunity. She packed a suitcase, said goodbye to her family and moved to the warehouse. That's where she met Abdul, the designer of the mines. The mines she was to hide. He had shown her the plans, given her a tour of the production line, and then settled her in a small office. It took a while to get used to using a real pen and pencil, all the plans and documents being on paper. Better for security, was their response.  It made everything that much more challenging, but she needed to rise to it. Her family was depending on her. She couldn't let her children starve. Sasha had met the deadline, twisting her design to fit their needs. She impressed herself at how she managed to meet it, staying up late each night. Sasha hated the pleasure she got when it was approved, and the thrill of watching the first circuit boards being prepared and emitters being put together. Her work wasn't completed. She now had to focus on getting the control network coded and running in time for launch.

*****

The mine was both basic and complicated at the same time. Brains had managed to remove the explosives, which were now being stored safely and were ready to be handed over to the GDF. The rest of the mine was simple apart from the small box that housed the shielding. This box was what he scanned and dismantled. It was incredible in its intricacy and once he understood how it work, was amazed by the simplicity within its design. The mechanism was complicated, but that did not faze him, Brains enjoyed getting his mind stuck into a good puzzle. He scanned and inspected the components, MAX passing him tools as he went, even getting him a glass of water when Brains hadn’t realized he was even thirsty. He was so lost in thought over the problem. He tweaked his scanner again, trying to find any detectable frequency coming off the device. There had to be at least something! There was small blip in the readings and excitedly he fiddled with the settings, making the blip clearer. Even with the shielding activated, he could still detect the small frequency coming off the device. Brains smiled, setting to work on a scanner that he could install into Thunderbird Three, and could be used to locate any more of these mines that might still be hiding out there. It was their duty now, to make Earth’s orbit safe, as they would never know when another mine might be triggered. They couldn’t take the risk, especially with their own ship frequenting the area. It pained Brains to think such a fantastic piece of technology had been used in such a horrible way, but now he had the design, he could improve it and maybe put it to better use. He was going to compared it to Thunderbird Shadow’s stealth systems and maybe see of there was some crossover and improvements that could be made. He might even be able to give FAB1 an upgrade. With new possibilities and ideas forming, Brain’s set to work.

*****

Sasha worked flat out getting the first batch of fifty units out. She called them units, not wanting to admit to herself what she was really doing. At least these units won't be hurting her children. They were safe, or at least as safe as they could be. Not that she'd had any contact with them. Contact was prohibited. It was to keep what they were doing from the enemy, to stop them from finding out. This unnerved Sasha, but it was too late now. No going back. The control network was coming along well, and in a few days, it would be ready for action. There would be no trial, it would go straight to live. Desperate times call for desperate measures. They had to protect the supply line, it was what was best for the people, the government had said. She was doing this for the Motherland, Sasha tried to convince herself.

Between control network, she sorted out the program for the mines. They had tested the shield so at least that worked. The boxes that designated which ships were not targets were being produced elsewhere, to her design. The first fifty units were given the ID XQ, which she hated, so in the programming when she had to put in the ID at the start, she coded the name of her brother, Markoff. They may have taken her brother away from her, but at least, in this small way, he could take a few more of them back. The dead would fight again. Sasha took what little comfort she could from it. The Motherland had started the war, not wanting to give up their mining monopoly of the nearest asteroids. Some countries had been happy to negotiate, and trade agreements were made, others weren't so pleased with the deal and when negotiations failed, and words got heated, those words quickly became actions. Sanctions quickly came into place and tensions rose. Her community suffered. Her community had started to starve. So, the Motherland said they had to fight. This was how she was fighting. Thorough these mines she would protect her 'brothers and sisters'. These mines would make the enemy think twice.

Sasha lived in the dormitory with the other workers. Including her and Abdul, there were twenty-six of them in total. The machines ran at all hours and the others took shifts. Twelve on, twelve off. She got to know the day shift well, heard their stories, which were a mirror of hers. She remembered the names of those they had lost and wrote them down in her office. Each batch would have a different relative fighting back. Every mine containing the name of someone the war had taken. Someone who never wanted to fight. At the end of the week they were given a piece of paper and a pen, and they were allowed to write a letter home. Sasha jumped on the idea and told her girls how much she missed them and that she'd see them as soon as her job was complete. She had no idea if the letters made it home, but it was the only hope she had.

A week later she was informed of the success of the mines. Multiple enemy ships had been taken out and they had no idea where the mines came from; they hadn't seen it coming. They promised her a bonus. She would never know if she got it as her wages went straight into her father's account. She received data from the network and used it to update the software. The hardware was left to her colleagues as the next batch, this time it would be known as XS, and there would be a hundred made. The Motherland was taking space seriously. Sasha named it Mika after her colleague’s brothers who died in the first air raid on his town.

*****

Thunderbird Three responded like a dream, as always. Alan loved piloting her and was glad to be back in space again. A few twists and turns as he passed through yet another cloud of space debris, scanner on, searching for more bombs. Brain’s had worked out a way to not only scan them, but to mimic the original control network, so they didn’t activate. John suddenly floated beside him.

“You know you could pick up some of the other debris as you pass."

"John, I'm on a deadly mine hunt. I don’t have time for collecting trash."

John rolled his eyes. "Just be careful."

"I am careful!" Alan complained, as he twisted out the way of some more debris. The mine that had just been detected was now in full view. John disappeared and Alan targeted the old technology. He got it first time, and it joined the eight others he was dragging along. Alan continued to methodically fly the grid John had given him of the areas he needed to scout. This was going to take a few days to clear, but at least this beat doing schoolwork. Another mine located, Alan captured it and headed to the island with another ten mines for Brains to make safe.

Over the next three days Alan clear Earth’s orbit of mines, before finally setting his eye on the junk pile that the GDF monitored and maintained with a space laser. The GDF knew of their plan, and happily agreed to turn off the laser to help them complete it. They didn’t want any unknown mines in there that could activate and blow up at any time. Alan scanned the whole area before starting to pull a few mines out that had become buried in the heap. Some had taken a little more effort than others to get out, but he felt a great sense of achievement when he got the last one free. With six mines trailing him, he moved away from the area and called John.

“Mission complete, John. All bombs removed from orbit.” Alan finished the sentence with a yawn.”

“FAB Alan.” John chuckled slightly. “I’ll inform the GDF they can reactivate the laser.”

*****

She had been here for almost five months now, completely cut off from the outside world. The war was close to entering its seventh month and she had no idea how it was going. Her family didn’t know where she was, only that she was alive and safe, if her letters were getting through. She missed them terribly. Sasha’s arms ached for her girls. The desire to hold them close and hear their innocent chatter was strong. She just had to keep going. She’d see them when the work was complete.

The current batch was almost finished and was just waiting for her to upload the program to their drives and network. This was the largest volume yet; two hundred units. Two hundred units to be scattered around the Earth, on top of the hundreds already orbiting the planet. A shield for their ships. Protection of the deadliest kind. These were the XZ batch. All Sasha had to do was give them the name, pick a relative or friend to replace the unit ID. She had a list to choose from but none of them jumped out. She needed to name the batch, and soon.

Sasha was brought from her thoughts by an odd noise from the factory. She stood from her seat and headed out to see what was happening. There was another sound, coming from the other side of the factory. She passed between the machines that currently stood still. They had yet to be asked to make another batch. There had been talk amongst them of heading home. The sound came again. She continued, heading past the assembly area where the last of the units had been readied for transport. The sound came again, louder now and unnerving. Sasha paused. She stood beside the crate. There was no indication of what was in it except for the unit ID that was printed on the side ‘XZ-198’. A door, a short way away, opened and Sasha watched, holding her breath. Two Chinese soldiers stepped out: their guns ready. An older, obviously more senior, officer exited after them. The noises started to make sense and fear filled her heart.

“The last one is the other designer. She’ll be in her office” The senior one spoke with authority, “I will then grab the papers I require from. After that we load the last three crates and burn this place to the ground.”

There was no response from the other two, and Sasha didn’t wait around. As quickly and quietly as she could, she ran back towards the office and sped to the fire exit not far from it. She pushed the bar. The door didn’t open. Panic filled her as it dawned on her that they had locked her in. There was no escape. Her heart fell as she though of the promised bonus. It was never something she was ever going to see. It was compensation, for her family, so they could go on without her. She was never going to see her children again. A tear escaped her eye. She had orphaned her daughters. Sasha knew they would be raised well by her parents, but that would never heal the pain they were going to endure. Their last goodbye had been months ago, she hadn’t seen them since. It hadn’t been a proper goodbye. Another tear fell. Without another thought, she ran back to her desk and took her seat. She typed in the name she wanted to give this batch and hit upload. She watched as it connected to the network, becoming part of it before being downloaded to each and every mine. The bar slowly moved along. She turned at the sound of the door, her body shaking. The men walked in. The guns were pointed at the ground. The gunmen flanked the senior officer, who stared directly at her. A chill ran down her back.

“Has the program been upload into the mines successful?” The man demanded.

Sasha glanced at her screen. The bar was full and the word ‘complete was beside it.

“Yes.”

The man nodded. The guns were raised and pointed at her chest. Sasha took a trembling breath as the shots echoed around the room.

*****

Alan had to wait for Brains to inspect the mines and make then safe before a full debrief could be performed. This took a little over a week, as they had to do multiple runs to the local GDF base with the various components. The explosives in particular were hazardous as they were so old, but there had been no mishaps, and all had gone smoothly. Brains now stood before him in the lounge. Alan was sitting on the sofa with Scott and John hovered beside the images Brains was taking about.

“Alan, you recovered eighty-three s-stealth mines in t-total. All from various batches. The GDF was k-kind enough to give us all the detail they had on these, which helped with the search. It turns out that many had been detonated during the conflict, or j-just after when the newly formed GDF had to try clear them to make space travel s-safe again. These mines have taken thousands of lives, and the GDF are t-thankful in our help ensuring there are no more out there. Where they were manufactured and by whom was never discovered.”

“These people make me sick.” Alan said, his words filled with disgust. “What kind of sick people make hidden bombs and scatter them through space? How could they live with the amount of people they killed?”

“The Global Conflict happened during a difficult time, both sides did awful things, Alan.” Scott butted in, fully aware that Brains had memories of the war. Scott had been too young to remember what happened, but it had been frightening times. “Just be glad the peace was achieved relatively quickly, and the World Council was created.”

Alan sighed and crossed his arms. “I still think they are sick people.”

Alan saw Scott share a glance with John and shake his head out the corner of his eye. Just because they were older. They weren’t always right!

“What d-does baffle me is the naming system they used.”

“What so special about the naming system?” Alan asked. XZ-157 wasn’t that interesting to him.

“In the c-coding of each mine, right at the start where you’d expect the ID to be is a name. It appears that each ID has a different name attached to it. For example, the XS ones had Mika and the XV ones had Sonia. They are all single first names apart from the XZ ones, like the first on you found.

“What make the XZ one so special?”

“That I c-cannot say. The XZ had a full name of a real person. Sasha Lidia Rudin.”

“Who was she?”

“Sasha Rudin was a Russian software engineer who went missing during the Global conflict. She is presumed dead.”

“So, no one important then.” Alan fidgeted, hoping the debrief was almost over so he could go play some Cavern Quest with his friends.

“Everyone is important, Alan.” Scott spoke sternly. Alan just crossed his arms and slumped down in the seat. Alan could almost hear Scott roll his eyes.