#yet again top .1% of mitski listeners

[forehead-scar]

^_^

[just-sp-in-inginthevoid]

@tihaari, as promised, here it is

The songs with a * means I think about several characters individually (2, most of the time) for these songs

The songs with a ¤ means there is an english translation in the comments (the other non-english songs have subtitles)

Almost every songs have lyrics (in the video, in the description, or in the top comments)

As you will notice, my music taste is quite wide. Hope you’ll find some song you’ll like

(just thought about it but i think like only 1 or 2 are ‘happy’/not angsty songs)

Shinichiro :

- 4:00AM by Taeko Ohnuki*

- Fourth of July by Sufjan Stevens

- Euthanasia by Will Wood

- Coma Baby by Nicole Doppelganger

- 最愛なるあなたは花葬 by 虻瀬犬 (Flowers, Mountains and Funerals by Abuseken)¤ (’Today, I’m just getting older. Today, you’re just getting older too.’, everything’s fine. ‘I’m getting older. Now, I’m getting older.’ no sign of the pronoun ‘you’, Mikey’s dead. ‘Today, I cannot grow old, yet since you can grow old today,’, Shinichiro’s dead, not Mikey)

- Birthday Kid by Mili

- I hold you by CLANN (this one’s over 9mins long. Just so you know if you wanna skip it lol)

- You are my sunshine - The Phamtoms version

- Don’t worry by Mr.Kitty (The lyrics fit as a whole but. 2:33)

- John and Nancy by Jack Stauber

- Telephones by VACATIONS

- Pale Machine by bo en (most of the song lyrics are in english but someone put the lyrics in the comments with the translation of the japanese bits)

- Secret by The Pierces (to sanzu ofc ofc. Also asked mikey if he wanted to start ridding bike… probably cuz mikey always wanted to but also shin never accepted but then. Then.) (first verse, OG timeline, second verse.. not-OG timeline)

- Mother Mary by Mr.Kitty

- Neverending Nights by Mr.Kitty

- Karma by AJR (OG timeline, before he knew about time leaping)(he does say in a chapter to wakasa that he spent a lot of money on suspicious religious groups and he did a lot of therapies)

- Youth by Glass Animal

- Lemonade by Mili*

         + Mockingbird by Eminem

Mikey :

- Sometimes by Nick Lutsko*

- Achilles come down by GANGOFYOUTHSBAND

- sister by Eve*

- Tout Petit Moineau (Very small sparrow) by Igorr (youll hear the pure despair in the screams | mikey loosing all of his loved ones one by one. Also parallels between a bird taking flight for the first time | bonten mikey jumping off the building. Probably the song/music i’m the less confident in)

- Poison Tree by Grouper

- Hurting for a Very Painful Pain (prehaps with kisaki singing the more feminine parts)

- Aesthetic ? More like Ass-Pathetic by Panucci’s Pizza

- I rather sleep by Kero Kero Bonito

- You are an Awful person by R.I.P*

- Sing to me by MISSIO

- Why didn’t stop me ? By Mitski

- Riptide by grandson

- Still Life by sitcom

- Between two worlds by Mili

-Cigarette Ahego by Penelope Scott (‘oh I don’t smoke, I just like how it smells’ → memories of Shinichiro - ‘In my defense I wasn’t suppose to be around this long’ → reference to the OG timeline ofc ofc)

- A sadness runs through him by The Hoosiers (Takemichi’s pov)

- HELP by PINK GUY

- Destroy me by Mr.Kitty

- Romantic Homicide by d4vd

- Suicide by Midnight To Monaco (the title is misleading. Its a hopeful song, okay ? Dont- don’t worry about it)

- 1985 by Bo Burnham (just for the 1:44-2:29 part)

- 不浄の世/The Impure World by Shitoo

- ハッピーエンド/Happy end by Shitoo (first part is final timeline mikey, second im not so sure. Perhaps og timeline shinichiro?)

- 棺の舟/Coffin arc by Shitoo (Manila timeline. Although I guess all of them work)

- Monster by Fight the Fade

- Bad Things by Cults

- Heart Nonsense

- Same Man I Was Before by Oingo Boingo

- Jesus don’t like im gay but satans cool with it by lil boodang (once again, you can ignore the title when listening to it) (‘summer’s always awful’ → Shinichiro’s death ‘winter is the one that breaks me down’ → his mom’s, emma’s and izana’s death)

-  物をぱらぱら壊す/breaking things to pieces by Kikuo

- 光よ/oh light (Hatsune Miku version) by Kikuo and here’s Hanatan’s version

- What i deserve by the remedy

- 降伏論 (Koufukuron) sung by Miyashita Yuu

- 悪い人 (a bad person) by syudou sung by すとぷり (sutopuri) (valhalla arc. To Kazutora. the ‘i’ve known it all along that you’re a horrible person’ may go to kisaki tho)

- 13th floor by Jade Lyel

- The mind electric by Miracle Musical

- 内臓ありますか by ピノキオピー (What’s inside ?by PinnochioP)

- Bulbel by Mili

- Oyasumi by bo en

- A New Hour by Mr.Kitty

- Bleed Black by Mr.Kitty (Bonten timeline)

- You’re somebody else by flora cash (can’t decide whose POV it fits best but it definitely describes Mikey)

- 大大大キライ/DAI DAI DAI KIRAI by DennokoP (Mikey’s words when there’s color, when it’s grey it’s Kazutora, from 2:43 to the end it’s Shinichiro)

- Mr.Fear by SIAMES

- CLOSET by Yoh Kamiyama*

(So. I love Kagerou Days. That’s like one of the first song i’ve got to heard when I went on youtube for the first time years ago. And it doesn’t work with TR timeline/story. But it could so much be an AU--) (Mikey plays the role of the boy and Takemichi the girl. Or Takemichi and Hina (with whatever role for each of them). Actually, picks two characters you wish to be stuck in a time loop, it’ll probably work ; You can imagine PekeJ as the cat idk if it adds anything)

Takemichi :

- 4:00AM by Taeko Ohnuki*

- the 1st opening of Owari No Seraph (to mikey) (different stories. Different context. Still works tho)

- I’d find you by phendste (about Hina)

Sanzu :

- Happy Pills by Weathers

- Blow my brains out by Tikkle me

- Do it for him/her (Sanzu singing it to takemichi) (also ive never watched stevens universe and this cover is the only version i can listen to the song so excuse me for ‘stronger than you’ following it)

- Room 401 by Shitoo (Sanzu thinking about the OG timeline)

- とんねる大冒険 (Great tunel adventure) by Kikuo (‘the you who is never anywhere’ is OG mikey ‘the you who should have vanished’ not-og mikey)

- p.h. sung by Miyashita Yuu

- Hyperdontia by GHOST (not all the lyrics work for this one. For example i have no idea what to do with ‘i’m pulling teeth for what seems like an eternity’ – but ‘i don’t want the infection spending’ first for his own scars then looking at mikey’s dark impulses, ‘pull ‘em out and wash ‘em off the memories – tear ‘em out and make up for forgotten years’ for the og timeline ofc, and ‘your hands in my mouth, 1,2,1,2, they never came out’ – how he got his scars. Plus ‘ahahaha’ for how mikey ordered him to laughed. 3:19 to 3:32 is (kanto manji) mikey speaking to sanzu – after learning shin was a time leaper from wakasa or something)

Takeomi :

- You are an awful person by R.I.P* (the first ‘him’ are for Shinichiro, ‘and soon he’ll realize he doesn’t need you – sooner or later he is gonna leave you’ is for sanzu tho)

- Everybody likes you by Lemon Demon (this man is the definition of wanting to feel important because he knows he isnt i swear-)

Chifuyu :

- Just take my wallet by Jack Stauber

- I can’t decide by Scissor Sisters (bad Toman timeline)

- Propaganda by Crusher (Bad Toman timeline)

- Mon amie la rose by Françoise Hardy (Bad Toman (or Manila) timeline. ‘my friend, the rose’ is Mitsuya cuz he’s the only one I can imagine - with what we’ve seen of the other Toman members of this timeline – not going full on evil)(‘you admired me yesterday – and i’ll turn into dust forever tomorrow’ for baji tho..) (btw ‘on est bien peu de chose’ while meaning, yes, in fact, ‘we don’t mean much’ also carries the meaning of ‘the person who’s in charge of us doesn’t care much about us’)

- なきそ – げのげ (Genoge by Nakiso) (genoge might mean ‘the lowest (of its kind) ; the poorest’ i don’t know japanese tho so..) (still bad toman timeline too)

Draken :

- Dark Red by Steve Lacy

- I’ll Never Smile Again by Frank Sinatra

Mitsuya :

- ビターチョコデコレーション (bitter choco decoration) by syudou sung by Miyashita Yuu (Manila timeline. Could work with Bad Toman too ig but i like the idea of Ran being the one saying ‘I remember now ! You’re that serious-looking person from back then… On second thought, nevermind’ about the festival in Roppongi where Mitsuya saw the brothers for the first time (and Ran saw him too))

Taiju :

- Saint Bernard by Lincoln Vlogs

- キリスト by 虻瀬犬 (Christ by Abuseken) (cw : repeated mentions of rape and child born out of rape) (ALRIGHT ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN THIS ONE. While i don’t specially believe the shiba siblings were born out of rape (even tho it is implied their father was (physically) abusive toward their mother) the rest of the song fits. Taiju became catholic since he didn’t have anyone to ask what he had to do – so this song of someone asking again and again things without them being ever answered fit. There’s also the ‘I’ll kill you’ at 2:52 which can so easily be said by either Taiju, Hakkai or even Yuzuha) (if you don’t see where i’m coming from interpreting taiju this way – i made a post ive pinned about it)

Izana :

- sister by eve*

- Treehouse by Alex G (with Kakucho ofc)

-🔪、🔪、🔪 ///ナイフ、ナイフ、ナイフ/// (Knife, Knife, Knife) by Kikuo

- CLOSET by Yoh Kamiyama*

Inui :

- sister by Eve*

- Washing Machine heart by Mitski (to Koko)

Koko :

- Feel dead inside by Younger Hunger

- Money by The Drums

- 요단강 (Jordan river) by Natsyona (Vivinos’s video) (well basically change the video to him making money rather than sewing a doll)

Baji’s mom :

- Lemonade by Mili*

Senju :

- Brutus by the Buttress (i like to think she was bitter about being left behind by Mikey, Baji and Sanzu. And since she kicks asses she deserves a song that does too)

Kazutora :

- YELLOW by Yoh Kamiyama

- Two birds by Regina Spektor (with Baji ofc ofc)

- No children by The Mountains Goats (still w/ Baji)

- Sigh sung by Kagamine Rin (STILL with Baji)

Kisaki :

- Dumb dumb by Mazie

Hanma :

- No one lives forever by Oingo Boingo (the lyrics fit but ngl, it’s mostly for the VibesTM)

Hinata :

- 一ツ眼リッパー殺人事件/One-Eyed Ripper Murder Case by Shitoo (this one also fit in an AU rather than the canon story (where basically Kisaki stays in contact with Hinata – everything else is the same. Naoto knows Hinata is going to die in the future). Also watch until the end, don’t be mad at the ‘little brother’ ;) )

It fits too many characters individualy OR I think of several characters at once (like Sunflower by Michele Leigh):

- Scars by Mr.Kitty (I always end up thinking about the original quartet (Mikey, Sanzu, Baji, Senju) for this one. But it works for Toman)

- Look What You Make Me Do by Taylor Swift

- Sometimes by Nick Lutsko*

- Teen Pregnancy by BLANK BANSHEE (ignoring the title -)

- Summer Nights by SIAMES

- いかないで (Ikanaide) (almost every character lost someone they hold dear)(although thinking about Mikey/Draken loosing Emma-)

- Sunflower by Michele Leigh (ex-toman members to kanto Manji/bonten Mikey... im not crying)

- Nowhere to run by Stegosaurus Rex

- Trauma by Mr.Kitty

- Fight your friends by Mr.Kitty (Three deities/Kanto manji arcs lets gooo)

- Oh Klahoma by Jack Stauber

- AaAaAaAAaAaAAa by NashimotoP

- Welcome to Paradise by grandson

- Pain Shopping by grandson

- Forgive yourself by xojira (lyrics in comments)

- 愛を探して (searching for your love) by Kikuo (ngl, it fits mikey a lot)

- あなぐらぐらし(Anagura Gurashi) by Kikuo

- 猫の食卓 (the cat’s dining table) by Kikuo

- わたあめ (cotton candy) by Kikuo

- 君が死んでも許してあげるよ (I’ll forgive you even if you die) by Kikuo

- 哀悼、そして日常は続く(Condolences, and then the everydays continue) sung by Miyashita Yuu¤

- How it ended by the drums (ex-toman members wondering about Mikey – Bonten timeline or Kanto Manji)

- Evelyn Evelyn by Evelyn Evelyn (choose your fighter among the different siblings) (honestly i mostly do with the akashi –)

- Francis Forever by Mitski

- We’ll meet again by Vera Lynn

- I’m sorry by Brenda Lee

Other audios/songs which are too shorts :

- What am I without you ? - Baji & Kazutora/Shinichiro & Takeomi (if you read toilet-bound hanako-kun and you havent finished/if you dont wanna be spoiled even if you dont know the story at all - avoid looking at the video/skip this one. couldnt find this audio by itself but for this one)

- Have we gone wrong ? from Don’t Hug Me I’m scared - Bad Toman/Manila timeline (one of toman member telling mikey he’s ‘gone wrong’, the others getting between them and brushing it off. Sanzu asking if they went wrong, Mikey answering)

- Peppermint by Jack Stauber – Takeomi & Sanzu cuz Sanzu’s hated food is anything spicy

- Hope by Jack Stauber – Shinichiro

- Rain by Jack Stauber – Shinichiro/Takemichi

- $ 4.99 by Jack Stauber – Kokonoi

- Library by Jack Stauber – Every character who has lost their mother/sister

- Big Brother i’m just like you – you know who :’)

- Is it cold outside – Izana & Kakucho

- Daisy Bell - Draken & Emma

- BMO always bounces back – Baji (‘but i’m supposed to save the rift. That’s my job’ → baji thinking he could save the founding members’ relationship by himself) (couldnt find a video with only this audio and no song - only with animatics)

- This but with Sanzu

- It’s not Michael – Takemichi when meeting one of the future Mikey

- One’s a genius, the other’s insane – Kisaki & Hanma. That made me laughed so hard the first time I thought about it

- Where did the year go – Takemichi with Manila/Bonten Mikey

[staghunters]

1 84 & 92!!

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Party - Daughter The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us! - Sufjan Stevens Valentine, Texas - Mitski Count Your Blessings - Mattiel Agnes - Glass Animals In My View - Young Fathers

(the top four of these are on my shaunajackie playlist lol)

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

Do not sell marijuana to my husband

(this is whenever an inanimate object is an inconvenience to me)

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

This is very specific, but the annual carnival is in my gran's town and I'm around 7 years old? but it's sunny, and my uncle has the barbeque set up with chicken wings and fries, I'm making a blanket fort with my cousins using a bench and an old mattress, we're getting ice-pops from my gran. I didn't have those thoughts yet that my gran would die someday, nor did I really have anything to worry about except getting that plate of fries and some chicken. It wasn't anything special, and that's what made it so nice.

thanks for asking!

[embrassemoi]

Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 30

Pairings: Sirius B, F!Reader, Remus L  Warnings: Language, angst, meeting new characters Important Question: do you guys prefer shorter or longer chapters? also, I listened to first love / late spring by Mitski for this ch if anyone else wants to listen along!

【 Masterlist | Previous Chapter | ao3 】

Chapter 30: Like a Tall Child

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Remus was alone for the trip back to King’s Cross; not wanting to be stuck with James or Peter who would only pester him. He mulled over his thoughts as his head rested against the window, watching the scenery whip by. But the more he had time to think, it caused more guilt to build; they were only trying to be supportive. They cared so much, still willing to associated with someone like… him. And all he did was push them away. He didn’t deserve real mates like them.

Remus tried to distract himself: knitting, drawing — reading next year’s material, but settled on pulling out his cartridge of cigarettes. About to light one, his attention was drawn to the soft knocking on the carriage door. Lily was there, waving before coming in.

“Hey,” she said, closing the door and sitting down. “I wanted to say bye for the summer.”

He exhaled, now itching for the rush of nicotine while Lily fidgeted in her seat. He already knew why she was there.

“Sev — Snape — came to me a couple days ago…”

It was impossible to escape, wasn’t it?

“They’re mad, his theories… He’s been telling me the entire year and kept going on about this one story… wild story of you and Y/N and the other Marauders…” Lily looked up nervously.

Instead of getting angry, Remus closed his eyes, feeling himself sink further into the cushions, centring his breathing. “What did he say?”

“He’s been telling me you’re a… a...”

“Werewolf?”

She froze at the word, having to take a deep inhale and suddenly looked paler than usual. Remus wanted to jump out of the moving train. “Yes,” she stated, “But I told him to bugger off.”

Lily stopped again, meeting his eyes. “So… It’s true?”

“You can’t tell anyone.”

Lily sat straight, leaning over and even putting a hand on her chest, close to her heart. “I’ll take it to the grave.”

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(Letters between Y/N and friends)

To my lovely Whiskers, I hope your summer has been grand so far. Are you sure you can’t spend time with me? It’s been so lonely. Prongs

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Dear Bambi, Unfortunately, I can’t. Mom’s dragging me to New York for the month. Something about being invited to do a special surgery. Said leaving me alone will do no good. I promise to bring you back a souvenir? How are things with Black? Whiskers

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My adoring, wonderful Whiskers, And it hasn’t. My parents are concerned. They’ve been trying to get me to talk about what happened but I can’t. Dumbledore and McGonagall have already started their punishments. He lost over 200 points for next year, got detention for half the year and he can’t try out for the Quidditch team if he wanted to. I wonder what they’ll do next. I love souvenirs! All things Muggle! Yours truly, Prongs/Bambi/James

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July 20th, 1976 Meet me in Times Square at 1 pm on the 8th. There’s a bench outside a bagel store, there’s no way you’ll miss it. Until next time, Matthew G.

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¡Hola! Greetings from Barcelona! My brothers took a few weeks off to spend time with me to come to Spain with my parents! They’re dragging me to a football game later. I heard they call it ‘soccer’ in North America. M. McKinnon

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Y/N L/N, Hello, I hope you’re having a wonderful break. Your letters are the highlight of my day and they keep me busy. So I hate to inform you that you need to stop sending me letters for now. I’m not supposed to be getting any and my parents are going to start confiscating them if I receive any more. I’m sorry. I can’t wait to see you in the fall. R.A.B

━━━༻✩༺━━━

I’m visiting Tuney with my parents in a few days. She moved to London for a clerical job in March and we’re meeting her boyfriend, Vernon! He sounds nice but she’s told me she’s nervous about me and magic around him. Lily

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Petals! I’m sure you’ll be fine! Who couldn't love you? Write back and tell me what happens!

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Whiskers, I’m with my parents up in Wales in their cottage. I was born there before having to move for my Dad’s work. Also, I think I have to get a rabbit. James always told people that I got my scars from a poorly behaved rabbit and if I’m not seen with one soon, people will start to question. Remus

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Does this mean I get to call you Moony now? Professor Moony? Wales? And that’s where that small accent comes from. It bleeds through when you’re concentrating or relaxing. And a rabbit? At least they’re cute! I’m sure you can just Transfigure a book though. Y/N

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Professor Moony? Haha, okay! And really? I never knew. I’m kind of embarrassed now. I’ve thought about that but at this point, I think it would be easier just to have one.

━━━༻✩༺━━━

Oh no! It’s nice! Gives you personality. I think it suits you well How about… Moody Moony near full moons? And Moody Moony Mondays on Mondays.

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Now you’ve gone too far. Bloody fucking Moody Moony? Have you ever heard of Mad-Eye Moody?

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Would you prefer 'my Moony' then?

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Yes, actually.

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August 6th, 1976

“Hurry up!”

She thudded down from the top of the staircase, dragging her trunk behind while her mother sped out of the terminal door, flagging down one of the zipping yellow taxis with her luggage in hand.

It was strange, being with her mother again after almost a year apart. She hadn’t come to King’s Cross again, instead sending her a bus fare in anticipation of school ending. She hoped for some sort of recognition, any kind of sign that she was missed but was only given a side-armed hug and delved back into work.

Y/N wondered if maybe she just didn’t want her there, hoping she would get lost and never come back. She only had been on a bus in London twice, therefore almost ensuring that she would get lost and would have stayed lost if she didn’t have extra spare change to use a payphone.

Ignoring the crackle of whispers as she strode to the cab, people blatantly stared at her unnatural coloured hair, as she entered the car, slamming the door shut.

“Where ya ladies off too?” Said the driver, pulling out a map from their car door.

“Cranberry Street, Brooklyn Heights.”

It was a quiet drive, aside from the driver drumming their fingers on the steering wheel at the sound of the Bee Gees blasting in the background. She watched other cabs whipping back and forth, people going on with their days, the dirty streets and building under construction.

“Hey, mom?” She asked, reasoning now was a good time to talk about her OWL results. She’d gotten them mere seconds before leaving their house back in London and she’d been putting off looking at the results until now.

She only grunted, flicking through one of her medical journals, jotting down notes. “I don’t have time right now.”

Y/N sighed, that familiar sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach expanded again. “It’s kind of important.”

“Not now.” She waved her hand and ended the conversation.

Thirty minutes later, the cab came to a stop as they grabbed their luggage and strolled up to the brownstone building they were renting for the month.

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Jet lag got to her as she unwinded lounged until finally getting up from bed that morning as her mom rushed around the house. She frantically was putting on shoes, dressed impeccably sharp, no doubt in hopes to make an impression as her eyes flew across her journal. Her feet were scrambling to the door as she flung her bag over her shoulder.

“Have a good d —” And then the door slammed shut.

She stared blankly at the door for a while and then turned around, getting ready for her day. A daint drum of excitement yet nervousness built up, pushing aside that sinking feeling. Today she was going to see Matthew again.

Having a few hours to spare, Y/N walked around, marvelling at the tall buildings and lights before heading into the heart of Time Square, immediately spotting the bench outside the bagel shop. She sat, waiting for him anxiously. She made sure to wear a hat, covering any sight of hair to avoid weird stares and chatter.

But then a few minutes turned into ten and then twenty minutes later.

Slipping out the letter again to make sure, she re-read it. Time Square, at one, today… near the bagel shop…

“Where y’at?”

Her head lifted as she jumped to her feet and pulled each other into a tight hug.

“Matthew!”

His face nuzzled into the side of her neck, arms wrapped around tight as her face pressed gently into his chest. Eventually, she pulled away - arms outstretched to get a good look.

Matthew Gaplin looked different. His hair, coarse and thick, had grown. He was taller, filled out more, tan skin became even tanner from the beating sun and he filled out.

His smile was large. “S’been so long.”

She gave him a small whack!

“Ow!” He jumped back, “What’s wrong wiv ya?”

“I thought you stood me up.”

“Sorry, doing something for Mom. Had to wait on line forever.”

He looked down bashfully, now staring at the hat. His face made a disgusted look. “It’s disgusting out. Why are you wearing —” Curiously lifting the hat, his lids widened astronomically as Y/N grabbed it, covering her wild hair.

“I told you,” she hissed.

“Right the Potter sport!” He gave a full-body laugh. “Oh come on, I wanna see it again!”

But her hand clamped down on that hat to prevent him from pulling it off. “No! The Muggles keep judging —“

“Muggles?” Matthew’s brows furrowed. “The fuck is a Muggle? Sounds… demeaning.”

“Sorry, it’s what they call No-Majs.”

“Ahh,” and then he moved to loop an arm around her shoulders and continued to walk. “Too good to use ol’American terms?”

“Turned British snob.”

They laughed loudly as he took charge, showing her around the city. There was something so calming amid the chaos of New York. The bustle, low chatter and his enthusiasm made it all the better.

Soon enough, after hours of walking around, they both came to a stop in a large park as they grew hungry. Matthew disappeared for a while, leaving her alone to lay down on the soft grass before returning, holding up a brown bag with two drinks.

“Got us bagels wiv schmear.”

She mumbled out a thanks and took it from him as he sat down on the grass beside her.

“Missed ya, really.”

She shoved him playfully, his head dropping bashfully. “Shut up.”

It stayed quiet for a bit, as they listened to the birds chirping until he broke the silence again. “Ya thinkin’ ‘bout moving back eventually, right?”

“Why?”

Matthew gave her a haughty look, contemplating his words carefully. “Do ya… not know? They’re losing the war.”

Momentary terror gripped her heart but she swallowed it down fast. “Matthew,” her voice dropped, “Please, I want a fun summer… can we not talk about the war? I have more than enough time to worry later."

He wanted to keep talking, worried for his good friend but he refrained, biting down on his lip and nodded stiffly.

“So…” he thought to himself, contemplating how to change the direction of their conversation and fast. “Fess up, what’s been goin’ on over there.”

“Huh?”

“You’re telling me you haven't — what is it called? Kissing?”

“Snogging?”

He smiled. “You’re telling me you haven’t snogged anyone of those rich Old-Majs yet?”

“Nope!” She spoke too quickly and voice was a little too high.

“Liar. Ya going tell me who then?” Y/N looked down, hand going to fiddle with the fem of her clothes while Matthew shook her. “Come on! Tell me!”

“Fine! His name is Sirius Black.”

Matthew's eyes widened in recognition as he sat upright. “You don’t mean the Black family? Gawd! No way!”

“What?”

“And ya don’t even know!” Matthew was full of amusement. “They’re one of the oldest wizarding families out there! Are you still wiv him?”

Y/N stopped, trying to conceal a chuckle. She didn’t have it in her to lie anymore. “No! He almost got me killed.”

“Ha. Ha, very clever. Fine, don’t tell me.”

“You? Anything exciting?”

Matthew snorted. “Fought over a fin if that counts as exciting.”

“You know that’s not what I'm talking about,” she teased.

He abruptly became very serious and it had Y/N sitting up straighter. Matthew breathed in, this time not looking at her but instead at his metal pop can. “I’ve… had a tumble wiv a few... didn’t matter their… genders.”

It took a second for his words to click in but when it did, her mouth fell open and saw his face fall as she pulled him into a tight hug. “I don’t care who you cop, just be safe and have fun.”

He mumbled into her shoulder. “Been rehearsing that since I knew you were visitin’.”

“Love ya, could never judge you.” He tried to look insulted from the babying but prickled with tears before wiping them away quickly.

“Bless ya!”

“You alright though?”

“Now that I know your reaction, never betta. Now, you talk, enough ‘bout me.”

After making sure he was okay, Y/N prattled about Hogwarts. Matthew would pop in a few times, asking her to clarify or ask what words the British used — he often called her his ‘British insight.’ She rambled much about her day, her new friends but made sure to leave out a few details. Matthew became peculiarly silent through most of her speech. It wasn’t like him to not try to speak up, but he looked at her with something she’d only seen a few times prior.

Matthew stared at her for a long time, analyzing with underlying adoration. “What did them Brits do to ya?”

She looked at him, waiting for him to continue. “Ya sound different.” He says calmly, going to sip on his pop. “Talk funny.”

“Tawk funny,” she mocked and earned a shove. “Different? How so?”

“Everything ‘bout you seems different. Y’look happier,” he smiles, although there was a twinge of hurt. “Talk softer, look different — move differently and ya voice sounds different… but the same.”

She takes a bit of her food. “I hope that isn’t a bad thing.”

Matthew smiles gently, sheepish but there. “Not at all.”

She smiled back. Matthew always knew how to make her smile and it felt good, normal.

“Happy looks good on ya.”

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

She finally sat down, tired from the long day she spent wandering the city. But it wasn’t long until a tapping sound came from the window. Celeste was there, waiting with a letter in her beak. She walked up to her, letting her fly inside and opened the letter.

Got my OWL results. Outstanding in Astronomy, DADA, Charms, Transfigs. Exceeds Expectations in everything else but an Acceptable in Potions. Moony

She re-read that last part. Remus getting Acceptable in Potions? Her attention travelled to the stark white envelope peeking out from the side pocket of her carry-on. She marched up to it, ripping it open and scanned the paper.

Outstanding in Transfiguration, Potions and Herbology, Arithmancy. Exceeds Expectations in everything else except Poor in History of Magic. She cringed at that.

She immediately got up from her seat. Rushing over to the master bedroom, peeking her head in. “Mom?” She said quietly, “Can I talk to you.”

“Didn’t I tell you I was busy?” Her voice cut through. “It’s not the time to be a nuisance.”

A scorching feeling of anger thrummed through her but kept her voice low and steady. “That was a few days ago.”

"My answer didn't change."

Any semblance of calm vanished. “It’s about my OWLs. My future. I need some sort of guidance.”

“I wouldn’t understand them,” she sighed and peered up. There was an odd expression, borderlining on confusion and something else. “It’s not the same. I’m not a… witch like you are. I don’t know how to help you.”

“I’ll make it into No-Maj terms?” Y/N’s voice was tight and came rushing over to where she sat on the couch. And laid out her examination results. “Look, an O is the same as getting an A! It’s the highest grade you can get. And here,” she pointed, “My teacher, Professor Slughorn, invites me to parties because of my work in Potions class. I’m one of his top students.”

She glanced at her mom excitedly but was met with a look of annoyance and slight judgement. But she continued, “A-and in Herbology I'm doing excellent too! I was becoming interested in becoming a Healer. I told you in my letters. It’s similar to being —”

“I’m sorry,” her mother said but it didn’t have any trace of guilt or sorrow, “I’m busy and you’re getting in the way of work — my achievements — that you know are important.”

“Are mine not important?”

A thick, profound silence filled the space between them. Everything about the connotation had her averting her body, feeling the sinking in her chest explode. From the war, traumatic near death experience and her mother's constant aloof nature, it was her cracking point.

Snatching the OWLs results, she walked out the door, shutting it gently before diving into her room; throwing the covers over her head.

All the New-Maj and No-Maj children were told stories of the Boogeyman. To Y/N, it felt comparable to reverting to a small child as she tucked herself into a tight ball. She recalled watching all the other children running up their parents, being roped with large hugs and smiles, surrounded with infinite quantities of love as they left the school playground. She remembered being envious, wanting to have two parents as the images of the Boogeyman drew near.

There was an overwhelming sense to scream — to cry out for guidance as the knot in her stomach grew. Instead of her mother coming to her rescue — to reassure, to give any sense of security or safety while other parents would scare off the Boogeyman or monsters ready to nip at their children’s toes under the bed, Y/N was left in the dark as all sense of relief or love vanished. It left her vulnerable, exposed to the monsters lurking in the dark.

Her mother may have not been physically absent but it sure felt like it.

━━━━━━━━━༻✩༺━━━━━━━━━

【 Next Chapter 】

Slang dictionary:

Fin = $5 / five dollar bill Bagels with schmear = bagels with cream cheese Wait on line = the same as 'Wait in line' Pop = Canadian slang for soda / soft drinks Sport / old sport = (depending on the context) a term of endearment similar to buddy, pal, friend

© gotkindabored 2021. Do not repost or modify

[mccoymccoymccoy]

Bones - Two Slow Dancers

A/N: 1) yes this written with the mitski song in mind no you don’t have to imagine it 2) bones is a big comfort to me for god knows why and i keep listening to the song on repeat, that’s it, that’s the inspiration. this is meant to be TOS specifically, btw!

Words: 1015

A wave of satisfaction came over you as you finally finished organizing your quarters. Well, yours and Leonard’s. The books were lined up neatly, bed made, clothes all folded neatly and in their correct drawers. You sighed, hands on your waist, admiring your work- it only took about twenty minutes this time! Smiling, you dimmed the lights, turned up the music that was playing from the computer a bit, and went to the main room with one of the books to read at the table. It was going to be a while before Leonard came back, you presumed, as usual.

He thought it was interesting that you liked to listen to old music and read physical novels. Of course he had his own physical books, but as he would say, “they’re medicine books! It’s different.” He was silly like that. Despite that, you both were able to learn from each other and enjoy what the other liked, music especially- you often would find yourself humming a tune only to find him picking it up and going along with you. You stretched out, laying forwards onto the table, arms extended and playing with the edge of the other side.

Sigh. Part of you felt so, so selfish, wishing people could just stop getting sick or injured for a little bit so you could get to spend some time with him, but you knew he loved his job just as much as he did you. Not that he’d said it yet.

Book sitting off to the side now, open and lonely, you traced circles onto the smooth surface of the table while kicking your legs underneath. Counting the minutes. The seconds. The door opened.

The door opened! Leonard walked in and straight toward you, kissing your head softly as you sat up with an expression of pure joy on your face. “(Y/N), the place looks great!” He complimented. “You’re late, mister!” You joked, punching him in the chest lightly, then wrapping your arms around his waist and pressing your face into him. He chuckled and started to pet your hair. “Stop leaving me here for so long,” you muttered, muffled by him. He hummed a note of question in response, gently taking your shoulders and holding you away so you could repeat yourself clearly.

You blushed, you hadn’t really meant it- or at least, hadn’t meant to say it. “Nothing, Len. I missed you, that’s all,” you said to the floor.

“Think I didn’t miss you?” He smirked, moving his hands from your shoulders to your own hands. You looked down and played with his fingers.

“Sometimes.”

“Always,” he said softly, guiding your hands in a way to stand you up. You did so as he brought your knuckles to his lips, kissing them softly. You looked at him lovingly- those damn eyes. You could look into his eyes forever and still find new sparkles. While lost in them, you felt him place your hands around his waist as you had earlier, and his go to yours, a close, but somewhat casual embrace. “Listen,” he whispered, pressing closer to you.

A slow song was playing from the computer. It was one that you had shown him, but he instantly fell in love with- he said it reminded him of how he felt for you. At the time, that was all he had said.

You rested your head against his shoulder and smiled, starting to sway gently to the sweet tune. Despite being in a hospital like environment all day, he still smelled like the breakfast you shared in the morning.

“You know,” he started, vibrations from his voice tumbling into your skull, “I listen to this whenever I get a free minute at work. With all the hectic days we’ve had recently, I haven’t had a chance.” He brushed a thumb against the small of your back. “I like to pretend we’re dancing like this. It’s funny I’ve walked into it here.”

You hummed contently. Dancing with him was a rare, but favourite occasion. It wasn’t like a movie where you fit together perfectly, it was a little awkward as he was only a bit taller than you, but you both loved it anyway.

You hugged him a bit tighter and picked at the hem of his shirt, whispering, “tell me again. Tell me about why you love it so much.” He chuckled softly, once again seeming to be a completely different Bones than who he was to the rest of the ship.

“Well, for starters of course, you showed it to me. It sounds like the grace you carry, the warmth of your smile, and the way your eyes seem to sparkle even in the dark like this.” You looked up at him, blushing, and quickly pressed back into his shoulder.

“Leonard, you’re a doctor, not a poet. Give me a better reason.” Smiling, he kissed the top of your head.

He pressed impossibly closer, and spoke softly yet again: “When you played it for the first time, that’s when I realized I was in love with you.”

You looked up at him again. Love? He loved you? He hadn’t said that before. You had, but only when he was sleeping- a sweet kiss on the forehead, a “goodnight, I love you-“ nothing seemingly serious. He loved you?

“Was?”

“Hm?”

“Was in love with me?”

He grinned. “Still am, of course. You mustn’t take everything so literally.”

His grin seemed to infect you, taking over your face until you could barely see. Standing up on your toes, you reached up for a kiss, which he gladly returned while leaning down slightly so you could stand normally again. When you parted, you kissed him again, and again, and again, covering every part of his face that you could reach. His smile didn’t falter and you both giggled a little bit, but you calmed down and resumed holding him close.

“I love you too, Len.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. And, another thing?”

He pressed a kiss to your head and hummed in response.

“You’d make a pretty shit poet.”

[holyshit]

thank you so much @sryluvidrc​​ and @quickpauseinconversations​​ for tagging me <3 💖 this was fun!

i’m tagging @itsanoldcurse, @2youngghosts, @isitmyimagination, @mscalifornication, @liamloveslarry, @deludedandlostcause, @louciernagas, @blulouisboi, @harrystinyshorts, @ok-ak, @buckyjpg, @vintageumbroshirt, @bluelightsaber, @otblou​, @basketofconfectionary!​

picrew can be found here!

✨ screenshots

my lockscreen is: a picture of my late cat 😪

the last song i listened to: desire by years & years

last photo saved: screencap of an anon calling me kayak <3

🎶 four songs i’ve heard today:

temporary fix by one direction

last dance by rhye

door by caroline polachek

exit music (for a film) by radiohead

🎬 seven comfort films:

i don’t watch enough movies to actually be able to answer this fully sdlkf so i’m gonna do seven comfort tv shows instead!

superstore

jane the virgin

glow

the l word

skam

sense8

the mindy project

🖐 get to know me:

name/nickname: kristen / kay, kristy, kiki

star sign: pisces sun, aries moon, leo rising

 favourite bands/groups: oh god i’m gonna forget everything... off the top of my head: one direction, arcade fire, metric, glass animals, london grammar, fall out boy, haerts, queen, alabama shakes, daughter, the cranberries, stars.... 2000000 others

favourite solo artists: again, i’ll forget everything, but: solo 1d boys, britney spears, rihanna, florence + the machine, banks, st. vincent, mitski, perfume genius... etc etc

song stuck in my head: play with fire by hilary duff lmaooo

last movie: i don’t even remember 😐 possibly pride?

last show: genera+ion

when did i create this blog: this blog was september 2015 but i only started posting in september 2020. my main blog was made in january 2008 😬

what do i post about: larry, 1d, and whatever random shit i like!

last thing i googled: “maison margiela” because i heard they were having a sale and wanted to find their website

other blogs: @lalalalovely​ for multifandom, @itsbritneybitch​ for britney spears!

do i get asks: a few, both nothing crazy.. like average 0.5 per day, if that.

why did i choose this url: back in 2008 or w/e i was just trying random things and it worked! and i say holy shit a lot! seemed appropriate to use for a 1d blog years down the line

following: 623 (but a lot of them are inactive from 2015/2016)

followers: more than i deserve <3

average hours of sleep: 7-8

lucky number: 13 because birthday!

instruments: lol no, i wish. i have an acoustic guitar sitting in my room that i’ve been meaning to learn how to use, but alas

what am i wearing: pyjamas! black short shorts with little hearts on them, navy green oversized shirt

dream job: stealing candelaria’s answer kinda and saying being on louis’ tour crew <3. more realistically, a pastry chef

dream trip: norway, or the brazil trip me and my bff always planned but have not done yet

favourite food: my mom’s fajitas! and pizza realistically sdlkd

nationality: canadian

favorite song: i used to say “breathe me” by sia, but she showed her ass recently so idk. “home” by 1d always has a special place in my heart!

last book i read: i don’t remember 😩. i thiiiink outlander?

three fictional universes you’d like to live in: oh god.. 1) star trek, 2) westworld (wherein i am a robot killing humans), 3) charmed so i can be a witch 🤙

[harrowdubois]

okay, i said if there was interest i would think about making a post listing all the references i squeezed into the locked tomb fic i spent the last month or so writing, and now i’ve realised i don’t care if there’s interest because i want to be self-indulgent SO

under the cut is a (somewhat spoilery) chronological list of all the memes, vines, and cribbed tumblr posts, as well as homages to various books, tv shows, song lyrics, etc. that made their way into blessed with a wilder mind! 

(cw for suicide mention)

this is of course a reference to the legendary bodybuilding forum thread where they did, actually, argue over how many days there are in a week (cw for ableist slurs in the thread)

---

buzzfeed unsolved meme. i am dirt and i love to eat dirt

---

this is so well-known it’s almost not worth listing it but oh my god they were roommates

---

in itself, this isn’t a reference to anything in particular, but if you didn’t do this on your first read then i’d recommend taking another look at this scene and thinking about the specific wuthering heights/frankenstein/rebecca excerpts discussed by harrow and mercymorn but in relation to canon!harrow’s trauma/relationship with the body in htn :~) 

---

also not really a reference to anything in particular but when i looked back over the fic for this post it struck me that the ‘sex panther’ phrasing was probably at least partially unconsciously inspired by the shoebox project (professor mcgonagall’s oiled man panther was a formative moment for me, truly)

---

cw gross/unsanitary: it’s the tinder poop window incident. i mentioned this in the end notes of the fic as being what i had in mind for that scene but if it’s too gross for you (UNDERSTANDABLY) then feel free to Death Of The Author me to your heart’s content!

---

i listened to a lot of orville peck while writing this

---

 very very very loosely inspired by this clickhole article

---

respectively: fourth of july by sufjan stevens / wuthering heights by emily bronte

---

TWO BROS, CHILLIN IN A HOT TUB, FIVE FEET APART BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT GAY

---

there was absolutely no need to stretch this across three paragraphs, and yet

---

iconic

---

i already linked to this one in the end notes of the fic itself, but it’s good, so here it is again

---

 i can’t find the actual original post but it’s this fucking horrible thing 

---

the last line is a reference to the secret history by donna tartt:

“Could it be because it reminds us that we are alive, of our mortality, of our individual souls- which, after all, we are too afraid to surrender but yet make us feel more miserable than any other thing? But isn't it also pain that often makes us most aware of self? It is a terrible thing to learn as a child that one is a being separate from the world, that no one and no thing hurts along with one's burned tongues and skinned knees, that one's aches and pains are all one’s own. Even more terrible, as we grow old, to learn that no person, no matter how beloved, can ever truly understand us. Our own selves make us most unhappy, and that's why we're so anxious to lose them, don't you think?”

---

a lyrical double whammy!

from ‘last words of a shooting star’ by mitski: “they’ll never know how i’d stared at the dark in that room with no thoughts like a blood-sniffing shark”

from ‘a better son/daughter’ by rilo kiley: “sometimes in the morning i am petrified but can’t move/awake but cannot open my eyes” 

---

*

shout-out to maybe my single favourite video game moment, the encounter with the sky cat in night in the woods: “There is a hole at the center of everything, and it is always growing. Between the stars I am seeing it. It is coming, and you are not escaping, and the universe is forgetting you, and the universe is being forgotten, and there is nothing to remember it, not even the things beyond. And now there is only the hole... You are atoms, and your atoms are not caring if you are existing. Your atoms are monstrous existence.”

---

“Nothing is ever fulfilled, not until the very end.” - rust cohle, true detective s1, this reference is VERY tonally dissonant because in context it’s actually grim as all hell but w/e w/e i couldn’t resist the shout-out

also harrow quotes from the goldfinch again here! i had the reference included before i read this post and realised tamsyn muir also quotes from the secret history in htn. terrible synergy 

---

they are in fact all real. you’re welcome

---

this one’s doing a lot of work lmao. it’s paying homage to this quote by tamsyn muir talking about the draco-in-leather-pants trope in relation to ianthe by loosely referencing drop dead gorgeous, the best drarry fic ever written, in which harry is part veela

---

“It's a very Greek idea, and a very profound one. Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it. And what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the Greeks or our own, than to lose control completely? To throw off the chains of being for an instant, to shatter the accident of our mortal selves? Euripides speaks of the Maenads: head thrown I back, throat to the stars, "more like deer than human being." To be absolutely free! One is quite capable, of course, of working out these destructive passions in more vulgar and less efficient ways. But how glorious to release them in a single burst! To sing, to scream, to dance barefoot in the woods in the dead of night, with no more awareness of mortality than an animal! These are powerful mysteries. The bellowing of bulls. Springs of honey bubbling from the ground. If we are strong enough in our souls we can rip away the veil and look that naked, terrible beauty right in the face; let God consume us, devour us, unstring our bones. Then spit us out reborn.” - that’s right it’s another reference to the secret history, with a little bit of mary oliver (tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?) sprinkled on top for flavour

--- 

a small one, but it’s the goldfinch again: “And I feel I have something very urgent and serious to say to you, my non-existent reader, and I feel I should say it as urgently as if I were standing in the room with you...”

---

my FUCKING cinnamon apple

 what if i... put my minecraft bed.... next to yours... aha ha just kidding.... unless?

---

[cw: suicide discussion in these next two]

*

robyn can have little a rust cohle quote, as a treat.

1. “I'd consider myself a realist, all right? But in philosophical terms I'm what's called a pessimist... I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law... We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, that accretion of sensory experience and feelings, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody... I think the honorable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming. Stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction; one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.”

2. “This... This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean when I'm talkin' about time, and death, and futility. All right, there are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions. Fourteen straight hours of staring at DBs, these are the things you think of. You ever done that? You look in their eyes, even in a picture, doesn't matter if they're dead or alive, you can still read 'em. You know what you see? They welcomed it... Not at first, but... right there in the last instant. It's an unmistakable relief. See, cause they were afraid, and now they saw for the very first time how easy it was to just... let go. Yeah, they saw, in that last nanosecond, they saw... what they were. You, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never more than a jerry-rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go. To finally know that you didn't have to hold on so tight. To realize that all your life - you know, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain - it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room, a dream about being a person.”

---

ahaaa this one’s particularly rough. evil monkey no one alive dot jpg

“Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see or feel that it was Jack he held. And maybe, he thought, they’d never got much farther than that. Let be, let be.” - annie proulx, brokeback mountain

---

a TRIPLE lyrical whammy!

- harrow’s words to gideon in the dream are a bit of a vague reference to the song ‘adventures in solitude’ by the new pornographers (”we thought we lost you/welcome back”) - gideon’s words to harrow are a reference to the song ‘blush’ by wolf alice (”you’ve got two hands to take all you can/but don’t take too long”) - what harrow texts to gideon is a line from ‘about today’ by the national, aka the most devastating song ever written (”hey, are you awake?/yeah i’m right here”...)

---

i CANNOT find a clip of it but harrow’s repetition of “life is short... it’s short” was me paraphrasing from memory a line from pride (2014), because i am the worst

---

spooky scary skeletons! 

“jail for gideon” is obviously a reference to the “jail for mother” tweet that tm also referenced in htn. so, not original in the slightest, but it’s a great tweet

---

one of my favourite tumblr posts

---

because naberius tern absolutely would watch rick and morty. he would. i know it in my heart. 

---

and that’s it, i think. hope you enjoyed this horrid little post and my horrid little fic!

[goldfishh]

thirty questions that actually aren't exactly thirty questions: tag game!

tagged by: @windymoor thank u raven <333

rules: answer 30 questions and tag some blogs you want to know better

I’m tagging: @horrorgay @virginalbehemoth @credentiast asjsskskdkk if yall want! + ofc anyone who sees this and wants to tag their own ppl

name/nickname: fiona

gender: f

star sign: libra 😞

height: 5′1″ short king

time: 10:49 PM

birthday: questions that get ur identity stolen. it’s oct 10

favorite bands: i had to go browse spotify for this lmao i guess i dont follow a lot of bands. i have a LOT of the family crest and oh wonder on my playlists. every few months i’ll put my two fave fall out boy albums on repeat

favorite solo artists: fjfhwjfwklwjk i am also pop indie basic but like BASIC basic. taylor swift hozier lorde.......joji..........i can’t even claim mitski bc i only started listening to her bc of the strawberry blonde amv

song stuck in my head: before your father hears us by the family crest. it’s about the orchestral vibes

last film: technically it’s fantastic mr fox which was an excellent movie. however i want to talk about vanessa hudgens’ netflix xmas movie the princess switch 2 because as ridiculous as the plot is i DO think that the movie is remarkably emotionally coherent and characters get developed well. in this essay i will

last series: i stopped four episodes into bridgerton because it DIDN’T feel emotionally coherent and characters didn’t get developed well 😞 orchestral versions of pop songs DID hit though

when did i create this blog: 2013................i was but a mere baby

what do i post: supernatural. i mean before it was just whatever i’d watched recently that i could find gifsets for on tumblr and i wasn’t posting at all but now it’s. it’s supernatural. 

last thing googled: “sad emoji” so i could copy paste it into this post LMFAO

other blogs: i have a side blog @atlascas that i was using to clear out my likes/archive the anime posting that i didn’t want going to my main LMAOOO but now it’s just an spn sideblog

do i get asks: nope. i have flown SO under the radar on here

why i chose my url: wanted a url that i didn’t have to change every time i got into a new interest lmao. goldfishh was satisfyingly pretty and generic

following: i do have my follow list open on mobile lmfao. it’s just so i could enable a blogroll on desktop bc i thought it looked cool. idk like 150 or so blogs

followers: ;)

average hours of sleep: finals FUCKED with me i was sleeping at like 7am and waking at either 12 or 1 or 3pm. but now im home so im trying to adjust to 8hrs again

lucky number: 10 is where its at

instruments: was conscripted into playing flute and piano as a young child as all good chinese children are. neither stuck

what am i wearing: sweater and jeans and cat socks that my sister got me for xmas

dream job: i dont dream of labor but when i do i dream of being a portrait artist

dream trip: me and my friends have been talking abt a cross-country road trip for yearssss east coast to west coast baby!

nationality: american

favourite song: right now its honey + tea by mozi

last book read: kurt vonnegut slaughterhouse five. i havent finished yet. yes i checked it out because of dean shut up

top three fictional universes i’d like to live in: i dont usually fantasize abt living elsewhere. gotta echo raven and say hobbit hole in middle earth. or a peaceful animated universe like hilda (is that just sweden?? i dont know).

[carndriverrecords]

First Blog Post 3/20/20

Started CnD Records today. Feels Good.

Working on some diss tracks. Not sure if they see it coming - doesn’t matter either way.

Planning to release Car and Driver first real record this Friday 3/20/20. Driving Test Driver Fest 1. 

Self release first record - another 20 tracks next week. Compile top 10 - 15 for first release with other label - thinking Terrible, Kranky, blu ish label or Thrill Jockey. Citrus City a no-go for now. Maybe just keep building CnD records.

Be the middle man - take advantage of opportunities without sacrificing my bands’ (and those I represent) integrity.

Reach sleep destroyer.

Last night at Ted’s - great DJ set. Kidz bop remixes, Fancy. Crowd hated it. Ted disappointed we had to leave but it’s ok with everyone. Tall guy took aux right out of computer, have video. Started dancing - cucked everyone. Everyone thinks they’re the crazy charismatic guy. Am I actually? I think so. Syd thinks so. 

CnD Fest 2 , 3 , 4 at Purchase and beyond. Would like to play apartments, Scully’s den in BK (reach out) and Philly, DC etc.

Next voice memo album - 20 - 25 tracks right now. Better than the first. Danny said best album ever.

Working on “My oh Maia Reason Why” video - my favorite video I’ve ever seen. Getting good feedback.

Important to collab with certain SUNY people before I go:

Members of Lip Critic, Dawson, Neal, Gabe.

Send stuff back and forth with Joseph Kress. 

Need to write song about not sharing a stage w unstable Car and Driver - cost me 2 gigs. Ok because I had the police interaction that night. 

Things have been working out quite well. Syd is keeping me in check. Main priorities are keep the energy going while I can and make sure everyone around me is comfortable with me doing my thing, specifically mom, sofia.

Going to Only Angels tomorrow to collab with Alex.

Tues/Wed in RI with Zach Gorton. Need to see Nick Holcomb, Sofia, Will Orchard if he’s around. Riley in Boston? Would love to. 

Visit Dad soon on the way to Richmond, in a few weeks perhaps. Grandma Roberta etc. They have a BBQ place now - I bet it’s great. 

Follow up in the morning (3 hours from now) with wedding band, Kevin Daniels, drummer etc.

Film sunrise sessions at Purchase: My Ride’s Here, Splendid Isolation, Keep me in your heart, Studebaker, Cat’s in the Cradle, Everybody that you know. Don’t think twice, Boots of Spanish Leather, Someday my Prince, Teenage Dirtbag, Arthur (Woof Woof), Forget You, Signed Sealed Delivered, Superstition, The Promise, Hold me now (TT), Love on Top, Townes Van Zandt, 1-800 superstar, Evan Wright, Tom Petty, Blinded By the Light, Searching for a Heart, Mag Field’s, Barenaked Ladies, TMBG, Dolly Parton one sided love, Byrds, Beatles, Kinks, Stones, Parquet Courts, T Swift (Red, Way I loved you), Mitski, Sasami, Anything Could Happen, Beach House, He Needs Me, These Days, YLT, Beach Boys, Big Star Take Care, G500/Luna, Felt, Psychic TV, Shelia, BJM, Yellow Sarong, Over and Over, Hazel St, Heatherwood, Helicopter, He Would’ve Laughted, I wanna be your lover, The pump, Good enough (sleep destroyer), Them airs, BH (14, indian summer), help me scrape mucus off my brain), Beach Comber, DO YOUR THING, Icehead, Bobby, 1000 times, WIll Orchard, Bon Iver, MGMT, Tame impala, Instant Crush, etc. Art Vandelay, Quick Canal, Stereolab, Grouper, Broadcast, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Bachelor Kisses, Cranberries, Cure, Pastels, MBV, I found a reason, pale blue eyes, Deerhoof, Gretel Alex G, Dancing w tears in my eyes, Elvis Costello, No age(things i did), Are ya ok, Maus, Ariel, R Stevie, Aphex Twin, Zomes, Vampire Weekend etc.

Bring Laptop for Beats on some and lyrics for all. 

Love life more than ever before. Music feels so good. Want to help, make amends, everything that moondog did. Don’t be homeless much longer.

Not sure if I like throbbing gristle - definitely like Psychic TV.

How savage should diss tracks be? Very? Match the severity of the person’s treatment of me/others. Aka - pretty bad for all except for Auto.

Listened to new Kanye today - 10x better and more influential than death grips. 

Realized today that i’ve spent my whole life wishing I was Kanye and now I am Kanye. Feels very good.

Everyone is gifted but internet makes us angst. 

I am mostly Camus right now - maybe more Kierkegaard soon. Religion and Terrence Malik. Still need to read books.

Order of Books: The graduate Portrait of the artist Consider Lobster Infinite Jest Pynchon Ulysses (At recommendation of American gamer association)

Syd is incredibly gifted. Want to help her feel comfortable doing art/work here in the chaos but also sort out the chaos for both of ours’ sake. I thrive in it, she tolerates well. Want to move to Riverdale still, maybe East Williamsburg with Backpack Chris. We’ll see about money. Philly perhaps, little too far. Jersey is good location but bad commute. Bad to RI. 

Visit RI and Boston Tues - Thurs. Sell Cigarettes at Concerts. Feels right.

Keep smoking for now - quit end of summer perhaps. 

Don’t have Corona Virus - glad we are not quarantined. Still be smart. Don’t expose mom regardless. Protect at ALL costs. 

Really though, why does Journee hate me? Write new track (Journee into forever nevermore not now not ever (Lou)) or Journee into SJW self righteous moral posturing (way too savage - maybe voice memo outro)

AR Kane album is incredible. Syd loves too. Sample everything.

Crazy - sound better at jazz than ever in my life. Exploring harmony - never practice. Teach free lessons all the time. Love the diminished scale. Might be best jazz guitarist to ever live. Time will tell. Would be cool long term. Prefer singing. 

Getting good at piano too.

I’m my favorite lyricist/comedian/actor.

Is maia right, acting isn’t hard? Weird they can’t act.

^Remember to delete^

Don’t share this on Facebook yet.

Why does Journee hate me so much? Just the Louis CK joke?

People who stay home and do nothing hate to see irreverent people doing things.

People like when you’re losing - don’t like to see you win.

^That makes me sound crazy.

F00D outsider might make me famous first.

Need to keep up with legal situation.

Hope mom and dad both live long. Call Syd, get something nice for everyone in family. Get weird jewel cases. Order jewelry from etsy. Post merch on bandcamp.

Finish album art soon. Music videos. Get better at animation etc. Pay Ben for his poster. Actually really good. Maybe album art? Duo album! Record in Wisconsin, release under his name. WIll success be good for Ben? I think so. Still can’t believe Liv told him I wasn’t ok. Wow - good content for lyrics. You truly cannot write this.

How will people react to diss tracks? Extremely negatively. Or no reaction. We shall see. Maybe no real names in the titles...... only on Oh my. 4 names in titles is too many. Don’t release Auto track. Maybe on Voice Memos. 

Track List: Good God Bed Head Rosa Reprise Oh My House Pop 1 skydive Pop 2 APhex GVO Pay 4 Take some Cherish Stars in F Are ya ok too bright Honeys Get to work Everybody That You Know Frost Bit BPC NYC New Age Heimet Helmet Deadbeat dads watermill for slitting bars romantic song david byrne Cinema study in cinema Brain ego Cherry doc marten Can’t liv w/o Venmo groceries Oh you like? Dancin DJ blues We are the State Farm robots Danny dorito is a dirty devito My funny valentine Zoomer blues The thing abt genres Blss Like minds ft dawson Lil toucha jazz Introducing car and driver The holy moment empire Ethics 101 - gma in the street Otto is sad I don’t know what it means! Operatic mellismatic Car and driver fest will be a success! Car and driver fest was a bust again! Cipha’s comedy corner Ryder Be gone evil atonal spirits!

Unreleased mental breakdown compilation ep:

I like all music! I’m a stupid pos Electric micro bike Get off your phone! John frusc Nice song Lap steel for 2 My masseuse advice Bed head wash sq Punchie John Maus yoyo interview Diminished  kinda thing

Build the NYC scene, w Blu ish, Evan, 1 800, sweet joseph, Comics Club, Dawson, Sloppy Jane, Wheatus,

See Jack Fortin in NYC soon. Either my event or his. 

Things are still good. Syd will be a great filmmaker. WIll maybe will end up with a dancer or a filmmaker - Probably not a musician. WIll have many loves. 

Things are good right now - hope they stay that way. 

Feel like Ezra Keonig - hopefully someone reads this one day and agrees. Different time in history and the internet - hope this is less cringe than Ezra’s blog , probably not. Ezra, if you’re reading this, sorry. See ya at Bernie’s rally. 

[kuciradio]

As 2018 is coming to an end it’s time to reflect on this amazing year for new music and artistry. KUCI is a diverse group of DJs and we are proud to represent all genres of music. I have finally put together our Top 10 albums of 2018 along with some honorable mentions towards the end accompanied by some lovely words written by our fellow DJs. We can’t wait for what 2019 brings for us and continue tuning in on kuci.org or 88.9 FM if you’re in the Orange County area. Have a safe and happy new year!

1. Mitski - Be The Cowboy

“Mitski Miyawaki’s powerhouse voice resonates with a haunting clarity on her stunning masterpiece Be the Cowboy. She creates entire worlds and characters out of pieces of herself, from paranoid, awkward women who yearn for traditionalism and some idealist version of what life or love should be (hello “Lonesome Love”), to cowgirls who can do it all on their own. From sorrowful to triumphant, Mitski colors the spaces in between from soul-bearing ballad “Geyser” to unforgettable dancing-alone-in-your-bedroom anthem “Nobody.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

“This album was so personal and raw and I also liked how the songs flowed well on this album.” (Heidi Barragan)

2. The Internet - Hive Mind

“I can't talk about this album without mentioning how mad I am at myself for missing the tour. Syd, Pat, Steve, Matt, and Chris, The Internet, are prominent figures of musical evolution; this speaks volumes and not just because they got their start with Odd Future, a hub of avid freeform artists. If you’re inclined to believe what I believe, Ego Death is a heartbreak album and Hive Mind is loaded with recovery anthems and passionate songs to share with your new partner who is not a rebound. Across the timeline, the sounds change from R&B and Hip-Hop to Funk and Soul; but what captures my attention the most, from Ego Death to Hive Mind, is the way a facade is casted aside. Hive Mind is just so sincere and therefore, perfectly fitting for being a part of my top three.” (Thorson Munoz)

“[This album] is a very funky album with heavy tones of R&B. The Internet does not disappoint with their funky sounds, which can be heard on “La Di Da”. Overall the album has powerful baselines, thanks to the amazing Steve Lacy, and groovy beats backed by Syd’s smooth vocals. It is hard to listen to this album and not dance along to it.” (Melissa Palma)

3. Kali Uchis - Isolation

“Colombian singer Kali Uchis’ long-awaited debut album is a high-production value journey into her uniquely sultry, dreamy world of R&B. The songstress’s silky voice pushes boundaries of various genres, from bossa-inspired intro “Body Language” to the Amy Winehouse-esque “Killer,” each track better and more of a banger than the last. Isolation features artists like The Internet guitarist Steve Lacy, British soul success Jorja Smith, and reggaeton icon Reykon. Uchis also recruited her friends Tyler, the Creator and legendary bassist Bootsy Collins for the hit single “After the Storm,” a follow-up to her and Tyler’s song “See You Again” from his 2017 album Flower Boy (supported by a stunningly whimsical music video by director Nadia Lee Cohen). The producer credits are just as stacked, including the likes of Thundercat, BROCKHAMPTON’s Romil Hemnani, Tame Impala’s Kevin Parker, and Gorillaz frontman Damon Albarn. Uchis proves herself as the new sound of pop, never veering from her originality that made her a Soundcloud sweetheart.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

4. Janelle Monae - Dirty Computer

“She’s such an intelligent creative weirdo and I LOVE HER. Not to mention her oozing femme POWER.” (Naseem Eskandari)

“About the moxie I mentioned earlier, this emotional rollercoaster has an abudnace of it and I cannot get enough! Cover to cover this album packs a punch, and as the visual companion--which brought me to tears--would suggest, this entire album is a celebration of deviant bodies and identities. This album contains the perfect ratio of soft and tender tracks and upbeat exciting ones so its no wonder why NPR named Dirty Computer their number one of 2018.” (Thorson Munoz)

5. Anderson .paak - Oxnard

“Sometimes artists, after huge successes, feel that they need to make music that sounds just like their previous work to gain the same traction, but really the true artists are the ones that stay honest and true to their creative ability - their sound moves through life with them.” (Naseem Eskandari)

“Anderson .Paak, to me, is responsible for every playlist I've ever built that revolves around driving in Los Angeles with the windows down, no matter the time of day. However, I don't drive a convertible, so instead I honored Venice and Malibu using my radio program, Detours. Not only am I excited to honor Oxnard as well, but Oxnard was built for driving; this is evident after listening to "Tints", the first release, and "Headlow". This album, just like Malibu, is masterful; the only difference is that Dr. Dre stepped out of the shadows and was a feature. Oxnard is beyond incredible and worthy of it's legendary features, Snoop Dog, Q-Tip, and Kadhja Bonet, to name a few. I'm really excited for what will likely be Anderson .Paak's next Grammy nomination.” (Thorson Munoz)

6. Blood Orange - Negro Swan

“AMAZING production, amazing narrative!!!!!!!” (Angel Cortez)

“Dev Hynes never fails to make master pieces of albums that narrate the experience of marginalized people in an oppressive and toxic environment. Hynes brings together artists as big as ASAP Rocky to smaller artists of equal talent such as Steve Lacey creating a beautiful medley of indie hip hop to soul and funk.  Coupled with interviews, Hynes is able to make this album a personal experience for the listener. For me it always feels as though he is singing to me personally, something that not many artists are able to do.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

7. Kevin Krauter - Toss Up

“Toss Up has to be my personal #1 favorite album of 2018 by Kevin Krauter who began making music apart from lo-fi dream pop band Hoops in 2015. Toss Up was released this past summer and was the perfect album to listen to during warm summer nights and has carried through to the end of the year as a comforting reminder of those warm times during these cold nights. It has that dreamy, nostalgic feeling, something that you would listen to as you’re reflecting on the tender moments of your life. Krauter mixes vaporwave-esque sounds with sweet ballads with no one song sounding like the other.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

8. MGMT - Little Dark Age

“MGMT's come-back album is focused, synthy, and fresh. Without abandoning the dark undertones present in their older albums, this album reflects the band's personal growth and resonates with fans, old and new. Tracks like TSLAMP and Little dark Age are some of my favorites!” (Angelica Sheen)

“MGMT has maintained their status as an alternative staple and has since transformed their sound into something more experimental since their debut album Oracular Spectacular. MGMT did not disappoint and gave us an album that went from the weird wii-fit/dystopian vibes of She Works Out To Much to 80s dance of Me and Michael to another sweet ballad titled Hand It Over which is super reminiscent of the ending/title song of their second album Congratulations. MGMT never fails to write well thought out lyrics that all almost feel like their own story. All in all, they did not disappoint and this is exactly the kind of MGMT album I was hoping for after a 5 year hiatus.” (Kelsey Villacorte)

9. Ian Sweet - Crush Crusher

“Jilian Medford refines IAN SWEET’s sound and practices self-care on sophomore album Crush Crusher, her most intimate release yet. Medford rediscovers her identity as she considers how much of herself she has forgotten while preoccupying herself with being a guardian to others (she warbles “The sun built me to shade everybody” on “Holographic Jesus”). Ever poetic while satisfyingly straightforward, she notes that “It’s been too long since I let myself cry about something that wasn’t even sad” on the pummeling single “Spit.” She coos, squeaks, and screams in perfect, dissonant harmony over her guitar’s cathartically melancholic reverb. IAN SWEET remains a perfect contradiction that only grows sweeter.” (Sophie Prettyman-Beauchamp)

10. Parquet Courts - Wide Awake!

“This band's genius shows through with every new release. Wide Awake throws all of their influences together and expels energetic funk beats with poignant, dark, and brutal lyrics that are especially political. The juxtaposition of these themes with upbeat and optimistic instrumentals speaks to their compositional talent, making it a fan favorite. AND THEY USE COWBELLS.” (Angelica Sheen)

Honorable Mentions:

Glenn Crytzer Orchestra, "Ain't it Grand?"

This album couldn't have been better aimed at me if the band had come and asked me what I wanted to hear.  A modern swing-style orchestra performing both classic tunes from the 1930s and modern pieces written in the big band style.  The ensemble playing is tight, the solos just exactly right, and the production quality a lot sharper than any of the original Duke Ellington recordings.  Top notch stuff. (Michael Payne)

The Vaccines - Combat Sports

"The Vaccines brought back the spirit and energy of their debut album but with a new twist when they released their 4th album early in 2018. Get pumped up with the "I Can't Quit" and "Nightclub" or settle down with  "Maybe (The Luck of the Draw)" or "Young American". The Vaccines perfectly embody the sound and snark of the '70s and '80s artists of which their influenced while still creating a modern feel of the 2010's. My personal favorite off the album "Out on the Street" definitely a treat live! Over all Combat Sports is an excellent album and what we needed in 2018." (Stacey Brizuela)

Cobra Man - Toxic Planet

“Los Angeles local duo Cobra Man blows it out of the water with their sophomore album that carries the heart and groove of something you'd hear out of '84. It is indeed one of the best albums of the year because it utilizes one of the most underrated instruments in the game, the saxophone.” (Spartacus Avina)

Nu Guinea "Nu Guinea"

Heaven & Earth by Kamasi Washington is an album that’s loud and bold in both sound and vocals. A lot of the album often creates an ethereal effect with the heavy instrumentals ascending into a grand peak, most notably heard on “Street Fighter Mas”. The vocals on the album accompany the instrumentals in their same form, loud and climaxing. Listening to this album is like a rollercoaster with its thrilling jazz sounds. (Melissa Palma)

Drug Church - Cheer

Mac Miller - Swimming

“The tragic beauty of this album speaks for itself. Mac was such a raw and very real individual and it reflects in his music the way that many others cannot replicate. May he rest in peace - I hope the next life will be better for him.” (Naseem Eskandari)

Thank you to all the amazing DJs who submitted their Top 10 list of 2018! I am super glad to have been part of an amazing and diverse radio station for this past year and this is only a small piece of what our DJs music tastes are like here. I hope everyone has an incredible and safe New Years Eve and a happy 2019 :)

-Kelsey Villacorte (Music Director)

[hqrbinger]

SPOTIFY WRAPPED ASK #2 MUAHAHA !!!!!!

90 - 100 !! (AS IN 90 THROUGH 100)

AND ALSO 1 - 10 !!

sorry if this is rlly long WKKXKWKD YOU DONT HAVE TO ANSWER IF U DONT WANT TO !!!!!! AS ALWAYS ILY MWAHHHH <333

HELLO AGAIN LOML !!! KAJHKJSDFDSF TY FOR ASKING FOR SO MANY IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😭😭 i got a lil excited and rambled abt too many songs and it got SO LONG IM SORRY DFKJHSFDDF so utc <33 ILYSM QUILL TYSMMSMS <33

1- comfort crowd ; conan gray

so uh... this is my favorite song of all time !!! and i listened to it almost 2,000 times this year SKJHSKSJDFLSFGHD (1,945 times to be exact ty spotify wrapped) it is my comfort song and i love it with my entire heart

2- rom-com gone wrong ; matt maltese

this song makes me so sad..... but then again most matt maltese songs make me sad KSDFJH i have yet to write angst to this but it is on my list !! i had this and the whole krystal album on repeat last winter for like a month straight which is why theyre so high up KJSDFHSFDKLS

3- krystal ; matt maltese

another one to write angst or really sappy hurt/comfort to, god this song makes me feel some typa way for REAL crying screaming sobbing head in hands

4- the night we met ; lord huron

AHHH SUCH A ROMANTICALLY SAD SONG <333 this song has one of my favorite lyrics in it and every time i hear it i am banging my fist on the table GOD ( "i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you" ) i once walked through the woods behind my house while it was pouring rain while this song was on loop and i think i ascended that day

5- people watching ; conan gray

is it possible to kin a song ??? KJHSDKJSDF ok but when i first heard this song i was obsessed w it i listened to it for like 36 hours straight i dont wanna talk abt it LMFAOOA

6- curl up and die ; matt maltese

ok this song is so sad i just i can't listen to it anymore bc it reminds me of a rlly shitty time i was having last year and i listened to it on repeat but if u are looking for a very sad song !!! this is it !! LMFAOAOA

7- young ; vacations

AHHHH THIS SONG I LOVE THIS SONG SM !!! its one of ym favorites idk i just the vibes ?? there. another song i blast at full volume while driving SDFJKHFS

8- vas ; jagger finn

THIS IS ONLY HERE BC I LISTENED TO IT FOR SO LONG WHILE WRITING A KAZUHA FIC LIKE 3 MONTHS AGO HAJKAHKLSD its good dont get me wrong but i am looking away from it now i am SICK OF U

9- wish you'd ask me ; matt maltese

another victim from my krystal binging moment... this one's okay its just another gut-wrenchingly sad song SKJHSDF

10- last words of a shooting star ; mitski

...why are my top 10 songs so SAD WHAT LMFAO I SWEAR IM OKAY JAJKHSD i love mitski tho <33 vv good

ok god curse shut the hell up challenge LMAOAOA HERE'S 90-100 TOO MWUAH

90- astronomy ; conan gray

this is one of those songs where i popped my airpods in and turned the volume up too high and layed flat on my back on my bed at 4 am and stared at the ceiling wishing i could be in love yktv

91- dissolve ; absofacto

god I WAS SO OBSESSED W THIS SONG IN SUMMER 2019 BC OF TIKTOK but its actually such a banger and i still love it VERY much its such a cute song

92- kyoto ; phoebe bridgers

THIS ALBUM IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES AND I LOVE PHOEBE BRIDGERS this song brings me back to like december of last year and i love it sm

93- angela ; flower face

honestly i did not remember this song at all until i listened to it and damn.... ow ???? what playlist ru from ?? i wanna go lay in the snow and think abt the world listening to this

94- don't panic ; coldplay

omg this song ;;; this brings me back to my childhood when my mom would be driving my sister and i to the swimming pool and we would ask her to play the pool song and she'd play this song SDKJHSDFS i loved this song 12 years ago and i still love it now

95- sparks ; coldplay

ANOTHER SONG THAT MAKES ME WONDER IF ITS POSSIBLE TO KIN MUSIC HAJKAHKJAHF this song makes me <333 I LOVE IT SM

96- affluenza ; conan gray

i LOVE this song bc it makes me think of the idiots i live by <33 SKJHFS JOKES but i love screaming the lyrics to this one too <33 can anyone tell that im a conan gray stan yet

97- glitter ; benee

BENEE OMG I LOVE HER SM <333 sometimes i still can't believe i got to see her live I LOVE HER MUSIC SMSMMSS <33 ITS SUCH A VIBE

98- dream girl ; crisaunt

this song is so precious like ;;; when will someone hear this song and think of me huh ???? @god WHEN ??💥💳💥💳💥💥💳💳💳 LMFOAJDSF /hj BUT I DO LOVE THIS SONG AND ITS BEEN IN MY GAY PLAYLIST FOR SO LONG <33

99- meet me at our spot ; the anxiety, willow

ok honestly i don't like this song that much anymore akljhsdfkjsdfhsd i think i'm just tired of it KSDFJHSDF bc i hear it sm on tiktok and i listened to it a bunch when i was writing that one fic but that one chorus part is STILL a banger

100- the moon song ; beabadoobee

i learned how to play this on guitar once bc it is so soothing.... i love it so so much like ITS SOOOO CUTE TOO ??? PLS

[howveryheather]

pandemic songs + self discovery

My Spotify Unwrapped for 2020 looked remarkably similar to every other year of my life recorded on the platform. The number one song, for what has to be at least four years running, is an ambient track from a video game that I listen to while I’m working. Most of my top musicians are a mix of film and television composers and Enya. This is true even in a pandemic. So many of my existing musical influences are still here to weather the many storms of life that are ahead — whether I am ready for them or not.

In every moment where I was not working, I was listening to a lot of music. Pouring over my Spotify, I’m able to see so many different moods and feelings. I have always kept one enormous playlist that lets me go back and know exactly what music I was listening at various moments in my life. Moments in time where the world felt like it had lost its balance, but music kept me grounded. Kept me thinking about the past, present, and future. The way I see it, the best is still yet to come for everyone. Better times are on their way. People I don’t yet know are coming into my life. Places I haven’t lived in yet will be here soon. And there will be even more songs that will define those moments in time for me. 

I didn’t know the songs I’d be listening to during the pandemic and yet, here we are... with the music that defined this uncertain time in my corner of the world.

“Say So” — Doja Cat

In the aftermath of getting knocked out with one of the worst flus of my life for a week this year, I spent the remainder of February desperately trying to regain my strength and sense of self. Little did I know that in March the entire world would change because of the coronavirus. This song feels like the last music video of our “normal” time. Nostalgic for roller skating rinks and hanging out with friends.

“Geyser” — Mitski

Have you ever heard a song that emotionally rocked you to the core so badly that you had to get into the fetal position and think afterwards? This one did it. Screaming while crawling and rolling around in the dirt is a real 2020 mood.

“Too Late” — The Weeknd

The entire After Hours album, and the red suit character, is a real quarantine/lockdown mood if there ever was one. Abel can’t miss.

“The Chain” — Fleetwood Mac

Everyone else might have been on a Dreams kick, courtesy of the Ocean Spray skateboarder but I was all about The Chain. 

“Me And You” — NERO

In the movie montage of your life, this is the song that plays to emphasize you’re a boss who can do anything. I stopped drinking for the better part of this year, which is pretty cool. Then I attempted the keto diet. That lasted for... less than 48 hours. The message is simple: I will just exercise instead of giving up carbs!

“Ocean of Mine” — Kennedy One

Before I started paying for Spotify Premium, I was trapped in a world of endless commercials. Once in a great while, the streaming service would recommend music that I might like. Kennedy One’s Ocean of Mine was one of those recommendations. I listened to this while I had my first crown put on at the dentist. You know I love anything that sounds like the wind, the water, and the promise of the shore.

“Joan of Arc on the Dance Floor” — Aly & AJ

These sisters came through so many times in 2020! The Up All Night event on YouTube and the Viper Room streaming show made it feel like concerts had, in a slow but sure way, been able to make a return. Just in time to kiss 2020 goodbye we have an explicit version of Potential Breakup Song... MVPs!

“Moscow Invitational 1968″ — Carlos Rafael Rivera

Many hours spent writing require a specific kind of soundtrack for staying in the zone. The moment I heard this score play during The Queen’s Gambit, I knew it was going to be part of my background noise whenever I’m working from this moment moving forward. It’s inspiring to listen to and helps me stay even more concentrated on the task at hand. Whatever challenges are ahead, I know I can reach them and keep leaping onward to the next hurdle and beyond.

“forget me too” — Machine Gun Kelly feat. Halsey

This is why we need concerts again: recreating a mosh pit feeling alone in your bedroom is simply not possible.

“Shine Ibiza Anthem 2019” — Paul van Dyk, Alex M.O.R.P.H.

In a pre-COVID world, I had plans to see Ultra 2020 in Miami. In a post-COVID, vaccinated world, I still have these plans for the future! I so look forward to the return of music festivals again, particularly those of the eat, sleep, rave, repeat variety. 

“Violence” — Grimes & i_o

This is my December song that will carry into January and beyond. I love, love, love it! (RIP Garrett Lockhart.)

As 2020 comes to a close, I have discovered some things about myself. 

There were three times I cried, and I mean sobbed my eyes out, during this pandemic. The first was during the news of the initial lockdown. That was pure fear and confusion and chaos. The second was when I started to see news footage of miles-long lines of people waiting for food to feed their families. That was an aching sadness that I felt deep in my bones because a lot of people lost their jobs and had nowhere else to turn for food. And the third was when I heard Governor Newsom ordered 5,000 body bags for California. Hearing news like that makes it impossible to never un-hear it again. It’s the reality of how badly this virus has rampaged our country.

It really bothers me when I see people saying that they want normal again. I get the root of the desire which is that you’d like to enjoy a drink at the bar or have a dinner out or spend time with friends, etc. But there were a lot of problems with our normal world. Too many. To me, it feels like signaling that you’re okay with continuing to live in a society where so many people have to work multiple jobs to survive, the healthcare infrastructure is buckling, and the education system is completely fractured (among many other issues!). 

What it seems, at least to me, is that people only want the aspects of normal that they were fortunate enough to receive but come at the expense of others. I suppose the best analogy is to consider the super rich. Once they exit their bunkers, they will want someone, likely paid on barely liveable wages, to make and serve them brunch. One can only hope this time has changed enough people to do and be better, but human nature is a fairly predictable beast. A number of people failed what I consider to be a basic human experiment and revealed seriously selfish true colors. I could rant about this topic for awhile — and believe me, I have THOUGHTS — but it’s too easy to dwell on bad news and opinions. 

There was a lot of good, just news in the mix. Some of it made the news, some went under the radar, but it was still there and it’s still happening. Here’s a few links:

There has been an animal discovered by scientists (a jellyfish-like parasite) that does not need oxygen to survive.

CRISPR was injected into a live patient’s eyeball this year, to treat genetically-caused blindness.

PG&E plead guilty to 85 counts in the 2018 Camp Fire, the same fire that wiped out Paradise, California. 

A Michigan jeweler named Johnny Perri buried $1 million of gold, silver, and diamonds for a real-life treasure hunt this summer.

Princess Beatrice and Edo Mapelli Mozzi had one of the prettiest, socially distanced weddings I’ve ever seen.

American Girl launched a new doll, Courtney, born in 1986. (They’re catching up to my age now!)

And the 2021 Super Bowl is inviting healthcare workers to attend the big game.

In the post-coronavirus “new normal” when I have been vaccinated, I know some aspects of my life will go back to their bubble. A lot will change though. 

What I really want is to do is get involved, hands on, in the community again. I want to volunteer at local food banks, soup kitchens, and/or churches for a few hours each week, when possible. (I also have a thought surrounding the idea of making a whole bunch of travel-size feminine product care kits for women in need if this isn’t already happening...) And if I can’t physically be there, then I want to donate and offer support in other ways. I am not helpless. I am a helper, as Mr. Rogers would say, and I would like to be able to help out more and contribute to the well-being of others once it is safe to do so.

I hope people will find it inside of them to want to work together again and come together as a community. It means a lot of hard work and energy and time, but it’s gonna make our world a lot better — far beyond the normal one we left behind.

[unwrittenarticles]

Top 50 Albums of 2018

1.)  Adrienne Lenker - abysskiss

Pure, sweet vocals with delicate guitars 

2.)  Against All Logic - 2012 - 2017

Nod to UK 80s-90s clubs and dance bangers that is definitely appreciated.  Every track is sound.  

3.)  Maraudeur - Maraudeur + Maraudeur

Tight guitars, simplistic and stripped back but with swagger and finesse. Uplifting, empowering vocals, slick and intelligent from the Swiss band.  Absolute find of the year and their earlier albums.

4.)  Grouper - Grid of Points

Favourite artist contender.  Sentimental.  New England.  Morose.  Antisocial.  Warm.  Bright.  Thoughtful.  Sensual.  Perfection.  

5.)  Julie Holter - Aviary

6.)  Okay Kaya - Both

7.)   Tirza - Devotion

Feisty and soulful with damn good beats with relevant, engaged and critical lyrics.  

8.)  Low - Double Negative

Stunning vocals, guitars and lyrics. Beautiful harmonies.

9.)  Rival Consoles - Persona

Gorgeous ambient music.  

10.)  John Hopkins

Depth + space.  

11.)  Cindy Lee - Act of Tenderness / Model Express

Beautifully haunting music with depth and space in the lyrics, synths and guitars.  

12.)  Parquet Courts  - Wide Awake!

Smart, sarcastic, reflective, NYC narratives

13.)  Drinks - Hippo Lite

14.)  Beach House - 7

Interesting themes, ye ye, dream pop and nice instrumentals.  Surprise for me as I had written them off as bland music.  

15.)  Jon Hopkins - Singularity

16.)  Miss Red - K.O

Sensual rhyme, pace, lyrical flow, so so good.

17.) Sun June - Years

18.)  Yo La Tengo - There’s a Riot Going On

19.)  Janelle Monae  - Dirty Computer

Sassy and self-aware, ace production, pure pop but intelligent as well.  

20.)  Kurt Vile - Bottle it in!

Lovely, warm quality to his voice and neat reflection on themes about getting older

21.)  The Lovely Eggs - This is England

Funny, smart, sweet, sexy and historically-aware Northerners, with a very special place in my heart.  

22.)  Kadjha Bonet - Childqueen

23.)  Kathryn Joseph - From When I wake the Want is

24.)  George Clanton - Slide

25.)  John Maus - Addendum

Nostalgic and hypnagogic with bittersweet narratives that jolt and soothe.  

26.)  Soccer Mommy - Clean

27.)  Exploded View - Obey

28.)  George Clanton - Slide

29.)  Emma Tricca - St. Peter

30.)  Forest Swords - DJ Kicks - (Mixed Tracks)

31.)  Anemone - Baby Only You and I

French ye ye pop that is sultry and summery and shimmery and makes me want to walk down a promenade in a striped dress.

32.)  Mary Lattimore - Hundreds of Days

33.)  Special Interest - Spiralling

No-wave deconstruction with lots of energy and gusto.  

34.)  Aidan Moffat, RM Hubbert - Ghost Stories For Christmas

Wry and sly and sarcastic yet warm and fuzzy and likeable.

35.)  Mitski - Be the Cowboy

Washing Machine Heart - good song about kissing.  

36.)   Virginia Wing - Ecstatic Arrow

If New Order were post-structuralist feminists :P

37.)  SMERZ - Have Fun

38.)  Sauna Youth - Deaths

39.)   Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks - Sparkle Hard

40.)  Snail Mail - Lush

41.)  Cardi B - Invasion of PrivacyUnashamedly critical and boastful with great production, what’s not to like??

42.)   АИГЕЛ - музыка

Russian feminist indie techno - I don’t have a clue what is being said but this makes me want to dance so much.  

43.)  The KVB - Only Now Forever

44.)  Tunng - Songs You Make at Night

45.)  Spiritualised - And Nothing Hurt

46.)  Lucy Dacus - Historian

47.)  Cat Power - Wanderer

Beautiful Chan with heart and soul.  

48.)  LAUREL - Dog Violet

49.)  Khruangbin - Con Todo el Mundo

Easy listening festival music which could seem dismissive but it is interesting enough to hold your attention.  

50.)  Wye Oak - The Louder I call, the Faster it Runs

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Kacey Musgraves - Golden Hour

Baloji - 137 Avenue Kaniama

DJ Koze - Knock Knock

Half Waif - Lavender

Carla dal Forno - Top of the Pops

U.S. Girls - In a Poem Unlimited

Fester - The Room

Ariana Grande - Sweetener

Bill Ryder Jones - Yawn

Tracyanne & Danny - Tracyanne & Danny

I love to hear Traceyanne sing on anything.  

White Denim - Performance

Mid Air Thief - Crumbling

Haru Nemuri

Sons of Kemet - Your Queen Is A Reptile

Pynkie - Neoteny

Criticisms of this list

Lack of working-class artists, reflective of current economic trends as artists need to be supported financially

Lack of BME artists - again relating to structural biases

Special mentions:-

[zoetropia]

Zoetropia’s Top 10 Albums of 2018

Well, here we are, later than usual but I couldn’t let myself not do it. I didn’t do any music writing this year so this thing is going to be longer than usual, with a lot more extensive honorable mention section than normal. That means I’ll probably lose most of you until you get to the top 10 but oh well. I listened to 163 2018 releases by the time of this writing. These are my favorite.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (in no order)

Yo La Tengo - There’s a Riot Going On: Solid, but solid for YLT is career-best material for most other acts. This band has been around for 34 years and they’re still this inventive, playful, and relevant. Incredible.

Mount Eerie - Now Only: Incredibly powerful (how could it not be?) but it’s more Mark Kozelek than Phil E. this time around.

Foxing - Nearer My God: A swelling, generous Emo magnum opus and its reach extends ever so slightly beyond its grasp by the end. But those first 5 tracks are an absurd collection of excellent songs.

Mitski - Be the Cowboy: Mitski goes full art rock in a very fine of collection of songs that show her range but struggle to cohere.

Phosphorescent - C’est La Vie: Matthew Houck and his band can still cut a lovely and rousing tune, and this album finds him growing up, settling down, and accepting the weight of the rest of his days. But yet, I miss his anger and rebellion. Some might say losing your rage is a sign of maturity. I don’t know if I agree.

Fucked Up - Dose Your Dreams:  Bursting at the seams with pretty much every style of rock that’s possible, but ultimately too shaggy to be a Great album. Still, there’s so much to like in this album, and it’s not afraid to give you more and more of it.

Joey Purp - Quarterthing: Wild, ranging, but most of all fun. Joey Purp finds himself stretching across styles, beats, rhymes, and samples but always sounds like himself. Maybe the most exhilarating rap release of the year.

Earl Sweatshirt - Some Rap Songs: And way out on the outer edges of what rap can be, we have Earl using his extensive powers of wordplay to explore his psyche and fill out the sketches of production that loop samples filled with tape hiss and record pops. It’s a rap record that feels both tossed off and intricate. In a word, effortless.

IDLES - Joy as an act of resistance.: A bit of a sophomore slump for one of my favorite new acts. Maybe they rushed to get the new record out to capitalize on the word of mouth of their bracing debut and a new record is always easier to publicize over a reissue. Still, there are some great, pummeling punk tunes here, and welcome additions to the set of one of the more raucous and rowdy live acts I’ve seen in a while.

Daughters - You Won’t Get What You Want: Brutal and uncompromisingly dark, this is one of the most frightening records I’ve listened to this year (I don’t listen to too much metal). Isolation, alienation, apocalypse, terror, despair. All the good stuff is in here! And while the unrelenting bleakness is part of its “appeal”, I just wish it wasn’t so one note.

The Sueves - R.I.P. Clearance Event: A relentless garage rock record, pumping up and speeding up some of your fairly groovy rock n roll to maximum distortion and maximum speed. They’re loud, they’re snotty, and if they’d leave Chicago, I’d love to see them in a tiny, sweaty venue soon.

Mastersystem - Dance Music: We miss you, Scott.

THE TOP 10

10. Superchunk - What a Time to Be Alive: Superchunk continue to justify their existence after their hiatus with their tightest and angriest collection of songs maybe ever. Always good to have the vets show the kids that they can rock just as hard, and be just as mad at the direction of the world.

9. Darlingside - Extralife: An absolutely gorgeous folk record, filled with beautiful male vocal harmonies and just the right amount of flowing instrumentation to build worlds of warmth. It’s thankfully free of fast strumming and floor stomping and sparingly uses the one-trick of a rousing crescendo in every song to explore more nuanced song structures. But when the trick is pulled out, it’s perfect.

8. Courtney Marie Andrews - May Your Kindness Remain: I love Kacey Musgraves and I was a big fan of her record this year, but this is my favorite country record of this year in a walk. The songwriting is strong and simple, foregrounding Andrews’ powerful voice and sad, longing words, and her strong backing band fills the space in just enough to color in the emotion.

7. Typhoon - Offerings: An enormously ambitious indie rock opera about life, death, art, and memory. Vividly detailed, intelligent, and impeccably orchestrated, this is the kind of record that’s aimed right at what I love. Oh, and it also quotes 8 1/2 so it was never not going to be on this list.

6. Parquet Courts - Wide Awake!: Never ones to shut up and play the hits, Parquet Courts goes full political with this one. Full of righteous ideological anger and the best and most varied songs of any of their releases, Wide Awake! tackles collectivism, environmentalism, economic inequality, violence in America, and how to stay aware, stay sane, find love and companionship, remain peaceful, and take care of yourself and others in a crumbling world. I can’t think of a record that captures this sociopolitical era more completely. And fuck Tom Brady.

5. Car Seat Headrest - Twin Fantasy (Face to Face): Will Toledo’s ongoing deep dive through his psyche takes a backwards turn as he remakes one of the more beloved of his “Bandcamp” albums with a full band this time. And these songs are worth the rework, as they are some of the brightest, heartbreaking, insightful, and detailed that Toledo has written in his young career. The new production doesn’t give them too much shine but instead fills out of enough of the sound to let them speak for themselves. Plus he did it all in a way that still fit the concept of the record. Pretty impressive.

4. Saba - Care For Me: Where Quarterthing is wild and Some Rap Songs is experimental, Care For Me is focused. It��s a sad, angry record about grief, loneliness, and depression. Saba’s flow seems to need to erupt out of him at times, culminating in the astonishing climax of PROM/KING as he describes the moment he found out about the murder of his cousin. It’s powerful, devastating music, and easily my favorite rap release this year.

3. Jon Hopkins - Singularity: It’s been 5 years since Jon Hopkins’ last LP and immediately upon listening to this new record, the time just seems to disappear. This is an album that could have taken a decade to make, or could have just appeared in the sleepless work of one night. As all of Hopkins’ work, it is precise and detailed, intricately textured and arranged. And as much as we know that every song on this album was worked over and perfected note-by-note, it still somehow feels organic and natural. Astounding.

2. Low - Double Negative: Despite being one of the figureheads of the genre, it really felt like Low had exhausted all the possibilities of “slowcore”. While they’ve never made a bad album, the formula of slowcore seemed to be inhibiting them more than anything, and it being 25 years into their career, it would be forgivable for Low to just continue making, say, Ones and Sixes over and over again. This is not what they did. This is easily best album Low has ever released. They twist and warp and distort their sound into shapes that are at once gorgeous, ominous, foreboding, isolating, and expansive. It is a remarkably cohesive album united around a sound that ebbs and flows, builds and decays, resolves and dissolves constantly and consistently. This is the undisputed masterpiece of Low’s career and I hope they keep getting better.

1. Beach House - 7: Similar to Low, it also seemed like Beach House had exhausted the possibilities of their brand of widescreen dream pop. To my mind, Bloom was the album they were working to all along and after that, they seemed a bit lost. Depression Cherry and Thank Your Lucky Stars had some nice tunes, but they were records that made it seem like the band didn’t know what to do now that they’ve reached their destination. And the two records made at the same time definitely didn’t help counter the impression that they lost their focus. But 3 years later, Beach House returned with their (duh) seventh album, and it’s the most focused statement of their career. It’s swirling and immersive, dialing up their shoegaze influence to build every song to an enveloping world of sound. It’s the perfect album to crank up my headphones and get lost in and Beach House is the perfect band to deliver that kind of album. It mines all the peaks of their previous records and melds them into one massive record that so consistently aims at my musical pleasure center that it seems a bit unfair to all other acts. I’m so glad that they found they way back, and that the way still points upward.

[haylightsmagazine-blog]

HAYLIGHTS HIGHLIGHTS: JANUARY 2019

January is sad and cold, so for this month’s Haylights Highlights playlist, we thought we’d share a bunch of fun songs to get you movin’ and groovin’. Stay warm out there, Haylighters!

1. Insecure Men - “I Don’t Wanna Dance (With My Baby)”: That new Fat White Family album announcement was a good reminder to look into their various side projects, and we’re glad we did from this song alone. Disclaimer: okay for dancing, despite the title.

2. Miya Folik - “Stop Talking”: This song is us @ ourselves when we start getting too excited about dudes that will soon reveal their true fuckboi selves. Plus we could listen to the bridge starting at 1:43 on loop all day.

3. Sunflower Bean - “Come for Me”: Sunflower Bean give themselves a glam-rock makeover and we’re all for it. This particular track kinda sounds like a good version of HAIM (no disrespect to HAIM).

4. Sharon Van Etten - “Comeback Kid”: SVE is no longer a sad folk singer, but instead a modern day Siouxsie Sioux/Kate Bush hybrid GODDESS.

5. Kolars - “Dizzy”: Kolars are a little bit rockabilly, a little bit glam and very much a super cool duo made up of guitarist/vocalist, Rob Kolars (hubby), and tap dancing drummer, Lauren Brown (wifey). Please see official video below for sick dance moves to recreate while listening.

6. Japanese Breakfast - “Machinist”: With a spoken word intro, auto-tuned vocals and Mars One project inspired lyrics about a human/robot romance, “Machinist” is JBrekkie at her most adventurous. We stan a sci-fi queen.

7. Mr Twin Sister - “Echo Arms”: Mr Twin Sister vocalist Andrea Estella may sometimes sing like that “indie girl introduces us to her kitchen” Vine, but does she know how to write a bop or what.

8. TOPS - “Petals”: Montreal’s TOPS are constantly compared to Fleetwood Mac and ABBA, but for good reason. “Petals” is a swoon-worthy flashback to the dreamy, disco-infused soft rock of the ‘70s.

9. Your Smith - “The Spot”: This song IS Sheryl Crow’s “All I Wanna Do”. You can’t convince us otherwise. Regardless, it’s just so fucking catchy and the perfect tempo for walking sassily down the streets of NYC.

10. Parquet Courts - “Wide Awake”: Parquet Courts never struck us as the funky type, but they pull it off pretty well here. 

11. Weaves - “Slicked”: Weaves are yet another Canadian treasure. They don’t sound quite like any other band out there right now, yet their songs are always approachable and instantly likable. 

12. Sheer Mag - “Need to Feel Your Love”: Our go-to song for getting ~*~indie parties~*~ started.

13. Grapetooth - “Blood”: We've said it before and we’ll say it again--Grapetooth are just too much fun to not like. “Blood” is easily the most danceable cut from their self-titled debut LP, with a perfectly cheesy instrumental outro you can break it down to.

14. Mitski - “Why Didn’t You Stop Me?”: This synth-driven number is a pretty sad song lyrically, but too delicious to not include. And hey, we've always loved the juxtaposition of melancholic lyrics and upbeat music.

15. Carly Rae Jepsen - “Run Away With Me”: Last, but certainly not least, we have the ultimate pop classic from CRJ to close out this set.

Until next month,

Team Haylights

[mhagnolia]

avpd asks by @acevoidant

i thought this might be a good (?) activity to better understand myself. i’m definitely on the road to recovery but i had a sad episode today and found avoidant tags on tumblr. 

1. how did you find out about avpd? on my fifteenth birthday, i knew i should be happy, but, the whole day i couldn’t stop thinking about my mental space. i think this is one of my symptoms, constantly trying to rationalize and fix my mental state rather than confront the pressing behaviors that cause this (my avoidance). i got ready for bed but i wanted to know what was so wrong that i could never have a normal day. i stopped assuming it was depression, anxiety, ocd, schizophrenia, etc. and considered the next thing i had heard of but never checked: personality disorders. after reading about the criteria for avpd, i found it was strikingly similar to my experience in a way no other disorder has. in short, i guess i just tried searching for an answer for the umpteenth time and found it.

2. are you professionally diagnosed? nope. i don’t know if i really need to be; for me, right now, it’s best if i figure this all out on my own.

3. what age do you think you started having avpd symptoms? my first memories of avpd like symptoms are from second grade when i was about 8 years old. we were let out of the classroom to go to the bathroom and i didn’t want my friends to walk before me (lil meanie) and my teacher called me back into the classroom. i don’t really know what the proper reaction to this is but i went back to my seat, muttered to myself how i was such a bad student, and pulled my hair tie onto my wrist to hurt myself.

4. do you have other mental illnesses? Does avpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way? in truth, in truth, in truth, i’m not that sure. i feel anxious often like when i wash dishes or share an opinion but i don’t think its too debilitating. my anxiety is usually just fuzzy chest feelings i get every so often. depression is questionable, but right now, i’m definitely facing a dysfunction that i so often associated with depression (slipping grades, losing sleep, not eating). i believe that my avpd sort of trumps any other mental issues i face and makes my relationship with them much more complex i.e., “i don’t deserve a community/a common place”; “i deserve less than depression”.

5. what do you do to deal with loneliness? i guess busy myself. i never find myself actually reaching out to others.

6. what do you do to deal with depression? if i knew i wouldn’t be writing this.

7. what do you do to deal with anxiety? hmm, i guess try to reason myself out of it? my anxieties usually deal with forces outside of myself, so, it’s much easier to rationalize it. i try to think of my blossoming self growth, my goals, my dreams, and the trust i have in others.

8. if you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally? i don’t believe i’ve ever experienced dissociation. i think i sometimes do experience depersonalization, though.

9. were you ever misdiagnosed? if so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? how did that affect your treatment? never been diagnosed

10. do you have a safe person? i’ve told my mom i believe i have avpd but we don’t do much about it and i’ve only talked to her about on maybe three occasions. i find a lot of solace in my mom’s side of the family and when i’m with certain cousins i find that my minds quiets and i become a bit of a different person :).

11. have you ever been hospitalized? Ii you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way? never been hospitalized

12. what is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized? i don’t think i would really recommend it for anyone dealing with a mental disorder if you don’t pose to a danger to yourself or others. however, honestly, i’m not really versed on what actually occurs in a psychiatric hospitalization. it just doesn’t seem like a positive or pleasant experience that would help,

13. have you ever been in residential treatment? if so, what was it like and did it help? never received treatment

14. what is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment? same as above

15. what is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with avpd? not sure, i don’t think i could allow myself to muster anything. i guess just find help, whether in a medical respect or in a social respect.

16. who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? what personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them? anyone who is materially or emotionally successful, definitely. i find myself often trying to internalize others’ kindness, helpfulness, work ethic, passion, etc. it’s a culmination of different books characters, movie characters, online “personalities,” friends, relatives.

17. who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)? i don’t really know, no one really comes to mind in particular.

18. how have you changed since you were first diagnosed? never been diagnosed, however, since i somewhat found my “answer,” i’ve certainly been a lot better than before. whether that has to do with my initial discoveries isn’t clear to me but i am surely better than before.

19. what are some things related to your avpd that you still want to work on? ahaha, everything? the disorder still affects me in the same way than it did at my peak, just to lowered degrees.

20. how are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood? i’m alright rn, we just went to a few parks and walked around different vistas. i had hoji cha bubble tea and i’m feeling ok.

21. do you have any friends with avpd? Ii so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have avpd? i don’t believe i have any friends with avpd.

22. favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood? right now it’s ribs by lorde, streetcar by daniel caesar, less and less by maltese, and a story playlist i made for a wattpad fanfic. if i’m in a bad mood and i want to feel better i listen to adam melchor.

23. what do you do to get yourself through a breakdown? i listen to music, watch particular youtube videos, read!!!, or journal.

24. what are your top 3 healthy coping skills? i’m not really sure, i guess breathing, taking a break, and preventing anger/blaming.

25. do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc? “channel pain” lol. i guess i do.

26. are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone? isolate

27. are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection? definitely keep to myself

28. does avpd affect your appearance? for example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently? ah, no way. i’ve been 200% better about this recently but a few years ago, i was afraid to wear new clothes and change hairstyles.

29. what keeps you alive? everything and everyone. i love the world, a lot.

30. how open are you about having avpd? maximum security >:( unless you’re my mom. but then again, i think talking about a daily dysfunction-ing disorder twice in about five years isn’t all that much haha.

31. when starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have avpd? i don’t know if i could start an honest and genuine relationship with someone if i didn’t let them know beforehand. but this could change.

32. do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has avpd? not perfectly but i love first love, late spring by mitski, eartfquake by tyler, the creator, sense by tom odell, if i’m being honest by dodie, why by bazzi, cursive by billie marten, and listen before i go by billie eilish. music wise (not really lyrically) is the entire submarine ep by alex turner, only ones who know by arctic monkeys, singularity by bts, bad religion by frank ocean, and here’s an obscure one: bran-new lovesong by the pillows.

33. were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up? innocent! i always followed rules.

34. are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet? coping skills are not really things apart of my routine. sounds like it would be good but i’m just trying to get to college.

35. are you currently in recovery? if so, how is that going for you? i would say yes! it’s going alright, some more lows than highs, but i’m insurmountably grateful for all of my highs.

36. what keeps you motivated? my dreams of becoming a writer/creative/academic and my personal responsibility to stay true to my identity.

37. name five qualities you like about yourself. sorry, this isn’t really a question i’m comfortable answering.

38. do you journal? if so, does it help you cope? yes! though it does help me in a stoic way, like meditation, it also helps because i’m really passionate about all forms of writing.

39. list some of your favorite avpd blogs. i have none; probably won’t ever have one.

40. how do you handle social interaction? i’m pretty good at leveled social interaction and i’ve gotten over my awkward quirky stage of adolescence (i think) lol. anything super deep is difficult for me, though. i almost never have heart to heart’s with anyone anymore.

41. are there any quotes/lyrics/etc that resonate with you? i already have a list of my favorite lyrics so here: “I leave you broken and shaking / but you still call me baby” “Please hurry leave me / I can't breathe / Please don't say you love me / 胸がはち切れそうで / One word from you and I would  / Jump off of this / Ledge I'm on / Baby” “You're the sun, you've never seen the night / But you hear its song from the morning birds / Well I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star / But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds” “She said: He might just be a big story / But there's more to life than truth” “in a foreign place / the saving grace was the feeling / what it was the heart he was stealing” “some people think its supposed to hurt / like it couldnt be real / if its putting you first” “its a hail mary / i bet it all that you dont want to see me now / but ill take my shot in the dark / for you” “Don't leave, it's my fault“ concerning quotes, i have none, but aza holmes’ monologue toward the end of turtles all the way down by john green when she’s hospitalized made me sob, really cry. i’ll always remember it as when one of the first times i’ve really felt seen and completely understood. i considered ocd for a bit because of this monologue.