#yesterdays piece was the only full length one

[sorryimananti-romantic]

The Leaders | Chapter II

"this is the underworld that no one escapes from."

masterlist

ot8!ateez x f!reader, mafia au

chapter warnings: drinking, smoking, illegal businesses, mentions of gangs, war/military and weapons, hongjoong is the designated asshole in this chapter

chapter wc: 10.9k

chapter synopsis: you learn more about ateez from your housemate, wendy, and from kihyun of mx pharmaceuticals who is also the crescent’s business partner. you get familiar with your new job at the crescent company’s main office and learn about their deal with secretary park. wanting to stop them from that harmful deal, you finally speak up only for the boss, hongjoong, to remind you that you are just a bookkeeper. 

prev chapter recap: an attack on the crescent bar prompts you, the bookkeeper of the crescent bar, to carry out yeosang’s order and flee with the contents of the safe. however, you have discovered a secret package which leads you to a confrontation with the underboss, park seonghwa, who has no choice but to kill you. to save yourself, you reveal that you possess some information about the elites that could be useful to them, and that you are willing to exchange this information for your life. that lands you a job at the crescent company’s main office and you have a rocky first day, getting to know the ins-and-outs of your new workplace and colleagues.

For the beginning of a new chapter of your life, which could take a very sinister turn, it sure was awfully sunny today, the pigeons on your window sill taking great joy in the way you would pause in the middle of getting ready and reconsider all your life choices so far. Their cheerful chirps were starting to annoy you and you couldn’t help but shoot deathly glares in their direction. 

It was your first official work day as the bookkeeper in the main office of the Crescent Company, and you were done getting ready– as ready as you could be with your heart threatening to burst out of your chest. It didn’t help that when you exited your room, you immediately had your housemate’s attention who let out a dramatic whistle at the sight of you.

“Woah. That’s quite a formal outfit for the bar,” Wendy said, stopping in the middle of stirring the pot, the fragrant scent of rosemary and chicken broth filling your nostrils. “Also… why are you still home?”

You turned to the full-length mirror in the living room, inspecting your outfit for the day– a pleated navy blue skirt that reached mid-calves paired with a blue tweed jacket, your feet clad in ivory kitten heels. Just the right outfit to make good first impressions, yet it was a struggle to ignore the urge to go back to your closet and restart the lengthy process of choosing another outfit.

“Uh…” you took a deep breath while tucking the stray strands of your hair back in the half-tied hairdo, bracing yourself for her reaction. “I may have gotten a new job at the Crescent Company.”

The room fell awfully silent and you turned to Wendy, finding her deadpan staring at you.

Odd.

“Something wrong?” You frowned in confusion. 

“The Crescent Company?” Wendy repeated and you nodded. It was strange, the soberness in her tone, when you were expecting enthusiastic theatrical reactions from her. “When?”

“Literally yesterday,” you turned your full attention to her, wondering if she was cross with you for not letting her know earlier. “I start working officially from today.”

“How did you get this job?” Wendy asked, finally doing something else other than assessing your form. She turned the stove off, setting the pot on the table where you joined her for breakfast.

“Well… one thing led to another. Some gang attacked the bar two nights ago and when I carried out my instructions– which were to get the contents of the safe and run– they decided… that I am good at my job and would do better in some other environment.”

“I heard about the attack, yes,” Wendy said, munching on a piece of bread. “But I thought it was a fight outside the bar, not an attack inside. Is that how you got these tiny scratches all over you?” You pursed your lips in answer and Wendy continued. “Are you sure this is the right job for you? Because let’s be real– we all know who Ateez is. You should be avoiding that gang– didn’t you want to lay low?”

Ateez. Known throughout all the eight sectors of Eden and its capital, the gang formed after the Battle of the Eight Hills and layed a vital role in the rebuilding of Eden afterwards. Really, you wondered if they had done so much for Eden, why were they feared and labelled as a criminal organisation?

“I am laying low,” you sipped the broth as you said, “It’s just an office job– paperwork.”

“I don’t know, Luna,” she said, clearly worried. “I’m not sure about this.”

“Do you know something you’re not telling me?” You asked but Wendy kept a straight face which meant there was something. “In fact… refresh my memory a little since I wasn’t here when Ateez was at the peak of their career, but who is Ateez? What do they really do?”

Wendy took a deep breath as if contemplating opening her pandora of secrets for you but then she checked her wristwatch to your utter disappointment. “Next time or else we’ll both be late. Just… stay safe, will you?”

“Oh, I will. I keep the gun in my purse, you know,” you smirked and Wendy finally relaxed, smiling back. “See you tonight if you aren’t snoring by that time– my shift ends at the strike of midnight.”

“Heavens, that’s late,” Wendy winced. “What are you doing up so early then? You should have slept some more.”

You should have, but you had a little stop to make before you clocked in at midday at your workplace– the stop being at the office of MX Pharmaceuticals located in the heart of Sector 1 with all the other businesses and offices. It was only the Crescent Office which was situated right outside that hotspot, and you were starting to think that it was a calculated move on their part. With their status, they could be situated in the slums and still be flourishing– the leaders of Sector 1.

It was a bit strange to walk the streets of your block and not allow your muscle memory to take you in the direction of the Crescent Bar. It felt alleviating, even, to not cross the old lady on the pavement selling crocheted goods to make a living. Somehow, she always made you feel guilty about having the privilege of connections. You could very well have been sitting there at the corner of the road instead of her, selling your paintings or embroideries if Kihyun hadn’t helped you land a job when you came back to Eden from Wonderland just a few years ago.

Because your father always made sure you would never be in the spotlight. There was a reason he basically shipped you to Wonderland– though you often wondered if that was justification enough. He claimed that you could study more if you wished to while you looked after your aunt but really… you knew that he wanted to get rid of you because you found out his dark, dirty secrets– things you were never supposed to find out. It was a shame he couldn’t kill his own daughter and bury those secrets along with her. Maybe his humanity awakened when he thought about his children. 

You could spot the MX Office when you took a turn left into the busy, bustling street with corporate slaves ready to sign in for their daily dose of torture. To your demise, you were blending right in. You walked towards the office, which was a brick-coloured building just like the rest of the offices in this street. The guard at the front door recognised you and nodded in greeting, as did the receptionist and a few employees, aware that you had some sort of a relationship with their boss, though no one dared to ask the nature of it.

The boss, Kihyun, was a respectable figure in all of Eden as a powerful businessman and a former gang member. Each connection he made was for a reason, but you were not just a connection. You respected each other far too much to refer to each other as just a ‘connection’. 

You were being accompanied to Kihyun’s room when on the stairs, you encountered Hyungwon.

“Miss Jeon– what brings you here?” He asked. It had been a while since you saw the manager of MX Pharmaceuticals. He was usually found at one of the labs or warehouses that MX owned. “Good to see you.”

“Hope you’ve been well,” you smiled. “I’m here to see Kihyun.”

Hyungwon nodded at the assistant who left and you followed Hyungwon upstairs. “Kihyun just arrived. How has it been?”

“I’m doing good. I got a new job so I was going to tell him about that and discuss a few things.”

“Oh, that’s nice to hear,” Hyungwon knocked at Kihyun’s door before opening it for you. “I’ll send some tea. And you know that if you need anything, we’re here, right?”

You nodded, smiling earnestly at his reminder. “Thank you. Have a good day.”

You entered Kihyun’s room, closing the door behind you. His room was as neat as ever with a variety of indoor plants lining the huge windows that provided a view of Maddox Street. You walked past that window, drawing the cerulean curtains away and Kihyun tsk-ed at you.

“You’re back at it, eh?”

“You need someone who will pull the curtains open every day. I can’t keep doing that for you,” you grinned, joining him at his desk. He was clad in a navy button-down shirt, his hair combed back. “How have you been?”

He spread his arms in answer. “Right in front of you. As good as ever. But I’ve heard you are doing better lately.”

“Heard the news already?” You shook your head. “Once I find your informant, I’m gonna give them an earful.”

“We’re the Crescent’s business partners. I should know the happenings,” Kihyun said, waiting for the assistant to leave the tea for you before continuing. “Tell me… how did it happen?”

“Let’s say I passed a trust test,” you said, adding a sugar in your tea and two in his, just as he liked. “I’m the Crescent’s bookkeeper now.”

“That must not have been easy.”

“Actually, yes,” you took a sip of the black tea. “I almost got killed. I had to win their favour.”

“And how did you do that?” Kihyun frowned.

“I played a few cards,” you admitted and he groaned in disbelief. “It was that or I die.”

“They would not have killed you–”

“They knew we were acquainted, and they were ready to kill me,” you interjected. “I only told them that I’m aware of Assemblyman General Wi’s artefact gallery.”

“Luna,” Kihyun leaned forward, clasping his hands. “You know the game you are playing right now is a dangerous one–”

“I know that I have to keep my identity hidden, and I’m sure they only know what’s on the documents–”

“Let me finish,” Kihyun said in a low voice and you slumped back. “It’s not just about your identity. You know who they are, don’t you? Ateez? They were once a gang, and they always play dirty.”

“So were you, Kihyun,” you reminded him. “Back in your early days, before my father took you under his wing.”

Kihyun clenched his jaw– he did not need to be reminded of his ugly past. “We were not children of war when we were a gang, Luna. The Crescents– Ateez– they are children of war. They served the army when they should have been fooling around with other kids their age or studying. A nineteen year old Kim Hongjoong became a well-known military strategist in the Battle of the Eight Hills. Another nineteen year old Park Seonghwa became a sniper and a medic– a god awful combination, don’t you think? And an eighteen year old Jeong Yunho became an honoured lieutenant colonel, for heaven’s sake. Those are the people you have involved yourself with.”

That was the first time you heard about their achievements during the war and you realised with a creeping dread that Kihyun might be right about this.

“Us? We were just a street gang, Luna. We were kids who rebelled, who got lucky because your father, a politician, saw potential in us and hired us as his informants. Ateez are different, and it would do you better if you stay aware of them.”

You took a deep breath. “Do you think they will dig into my past?”

“I can’t promise they won’t,” Kihyun relaxed, finally smiling and drinking his tea. “But I’ll see if I can do something. Just make sure to stay in the shadows.”

“Until it’s time,” you reminded him.

His expressions didn’t change. “Still conjuring up revenge plans?”

“You know how stubborn I am,” you traced the gold outline on the cup. “I cannot forgive my father for taking my identity and shipping me to Wonderland as if I meant nothing to him.”

“I’m sure you mean something to him. You are his daughter, after all.”

“I’m sure I don’t, and I don’t need him,” you said, looking at the boss of MX. “You are my family if I ever had one, Kihyun. I am in your debt for everything that you have done for me.”

“Nonsense,” he waved his hand and you stifled a smile at the way he always got a little shy when you called him family or brother. “You don’t owe me anything. I would have done that for anyone.”

“You risked your business and your life for me. You don’t do that for just anyone,” you concluded and he smiled in answer. It was a truth that he could not deny. “You can call it whatever you want, but let me feel about it however I want too.”

“I can see how you might have talked them out of killing you, you stubborn brat,” Kihyun said, laughing. He stared into the distance, taking a few moments to think. “I heard you will be answering to Park Seonghwa and Jeong Yunho. That worries me.”

“It is just work,” you told him, though you were wholly aware that it was not just work. “You don’t need to worry too much.”

After a busy midday shift at the Crescent Office with Eunha and Jihoon, you decided to pay a visit to the Crescent Bar– you were free for the rest of the afternoon and could squeeze in a lunch with your friends. Plus, you were not sure that you could do the night shift without some liquid courage in your system. 

The bar was as lively as it could be during day hours, with people popping in from work to get a drink or a meal. The employees– your old coworkers– warmly welcomed you and you went to sit at the counter with Eunbi and Jeonghan, just like the old times.

“How has it been without me?” You teased Eunbi who wrapped her arms loosely around your waist, snuggling beside you. 

“Boring. Jeonghan is always pretending to sleep so I can’t really talk to anyone anymore.”

“I am actually asleep,” Jeonghan raised his hand as a sign that he was alive. He looked like a corpse, actually, if you could put it nicely. Eunbi gave you a pointed look.

“Got a new bookkeeper yet?”

“Not yet,” she said, going back to the cash register when she saw a customer approach. You walked to the staff room, catching up with Yuju who ordered your favourite grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch with Black Shadow– probably the best wine you had tasted in your life, if you were objective. You knew there was a backstory to how Ateez made that wine their staple, but you figured you would hear about it someday later. For now, you had another purpose that led you to Yeosang’s office.

Yeosang opened the door when you knocked, blinking in surprise. “Aren’t you supposed to be at the main office?”

“Good evening? How have you been doing? How has work been?” You glared at him. “I’m good, thank you for asking.”

Yeosang snickered, letting you in and you took the seat in front of him. You sighed deeply, folding your arms. “I kind of miss this, I won’t lie. I feel like an outsider there, and it’s only my first day. Shift doesn’t start for another hour, by the way.”

“Would you like a drink?” He offered and you shook your head, telling him you just had lunch. “Well, Miss y/n. How can I help you today?”

You passed him the side-eye. “It’s still Luna for you. And I wanted to ask you a few things that I really should have asked before.”

“Ah… is it time for those questions?” Yeosang relaxed back, resting his hands behind his head, his muscles poking out from under the ivory dress shirt. You watched him for a moment, wondering what his accomplishments during the war were. Could he be holding a scary title as well, or was it something worse?

“Yes. You can’t blame me for being curious after the stunt the underboss pulled that night. True to your name, Ateez.”

It was the first time you ever referred to them with their gang name and he only watched you in silence, waiting for you to continue. It irked you that his expressions gave away nothing. Trained to give away nothing, a distant voice in your mind said. 

“Just tell me if there’s anything I need to know for now. I’m reporting directly to Mr. Park and… Mr. Jeong. I really don’t want to make a mistake.”

“You weren’t worried when you started working under me.”

“That’s because… you are you,” you tried to explain, ignoring the faint ache in your heart. “You don’t go around wearing formal suits and looking down on people and being… weird.”

“We don’t look down on people,” Yeosang sighed, though he was smiling at your admission. “Was Yunho weird towards you? What did he do now?”

“How did you– he didn’t do anything,” you told him. It was uncanny how well they knew each other. “I just want you to tell me if there’s something I should be aware of so I don’t make a mistake.”

Yeosang thought it was strange that you were asking such a question. He wished he could ask you what exactly you meant. Just what mistakes were you so afraid to make? Why did you always have to be cautious and walk on eggshells, even around him, even when you claimed that you were comfortable with him?

“I don’t think that you realise that Yunho is the only one of us who will forgive you even if you betray us in the worst possible way– he would still try to understand your reasons.”

Your eyes went a little wide as you let his words sink in. “Lieutenant Colonel Jeong Yunho… is forgiving?”

“I don’t know what you’ve heard about us,” Yeosang leaned forward, speaking gently. “But I can promise you that it’s not the entire truth. We are more than what you people make us to be, if you care to look past the ranks and titles.”

You didn’t understand what he meant by that, and you were too scared to ask. You couldn’t stop thinking about his admission about Yunho. You really couldn’t see it– he always looked so strict, in the traditional sense. Even when he had a hint of a smile on his lips last night, you couldn’t envision him to be someone who could sympathise with the ugliness of the people who were driven into the corner. Perhaps, because Yeosang was his friend, he was able to look past everything and see the lieutenant’s true, unmarred nature, but to you…

To you, he was Lieutenant Colonel Jeong Yunho. And you intended to keep it that way, for everyone’s sake.

Later, when you were at work and taking a breather, having just finished recording the day’s transactions, you reminded yourself that your relationship with Yeosang had turned too casual. Sure, it was the way he was with everyone at the bar– almost everyone. It was different with you, whether you liked it or not. Even though you had wanted to keep a distance from Yeosang, you just couldn’t. After all, you went to him right after hearing about their old gang days. 

You made a mental note to learn more about Ateez and the Crescent Company, and to learn about the extent of their involvement in Eden’s business world. You needed any information you could get your hands on, every detail whether true or not. If you were going to play this game and use them for your goal, you needed to know that the Crescents were not involved with your father and his business in any way. 

You needed to know if what they did was truly moral and right. And if you needed to sneak into places where you weren’t meant to go and possibly risk your life again… you would. 

It took you about a week to fully get the hang of things at the office. While Jihoon was still being an arse– at this point, you were starting to consider that it might be a part of his personality– he never refused to guide you or help you when you were stuck. Eunha was just as helpful and you were actually starting to like her a little. She wasn’t very talkative but considering that she was able to make Jihoon laugh… you were tempted to take pointers from her. Jihoon had worked the longest here and you needed to crack him to get him to talk.

In that one week, you got a chance to go into Mr. Jeong’s room twice, when he was not present to take the report from you himself. You made it quick– unlock the room, unlock the cupboard and place the report inside, look around if you had a few seconds and get the hell out. It was too soon to make a mistake so you only dared to make note of what the office looked like. There wasn’t much to it anyway– just the usual workspace, and it frustrated you that his workspace gave away nothing about him.

Mr. Jeong, you noted, usually came to the office during your shift at the late hours of night, presumably after dinner. You learned that Kim Hongjoong was out of station for some business dealing which was why the office was mostly empty, but also that this was where they usually gathered to meet up and discuss things. This office was sort of a base and if not here, they would be at the bar, though they generally avoided it because of obvious reasons. There was no saying when a drunkard fool, or two, would dare to interrupt them.

Yunho usually locked himself inside his office (Eunha was very suspicious that he usually napped there, claiming to have heard light snores sometimes) and Seonghwa came by twice that week, greeting you and asking if you were adjusting well. Neither of them had interacted with you much during the week but…

You recalled two nights ago when Yunho came back to the office just as it was closing time. You handed him the report and he called you inside his office to discuss a few things. When he was going over the report, he asked you if you had any problems with work recently.

“None at all,” you assured him. “It is manageable.”

He flicked through the pages, the white sleeves of his shirt rolled up over his sleeves, baring his veiny arms. You resisted the urge to trace all those veins on his arms– Jeong Yunho was one handsome man. It didn’t help that he had such beautiful hands either. Why were you assigned to submit him the reports every night? What was this new form of torture?

He caught you staring at his hands but he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he finished checking the report and shut the folder, running his hands over the cover once before clearing his throat to get your attention. You met his stare, pretending that you had not been ogling at his hands and arms– or at least, fake confidence that you were normal about it. 

“You were right about the artefact gallery,” Yunho said and you straightened. “It is indeed a money-laundering business. He is an assemblyman, a potential presidential candidate and, well, that’s a bad look for him with the elections right around the corner. How did you know when even his enemies aren’t aware of this information? And more importantly… do you want us to do something about it?”

“How I know does not matter,” you shook your head, adamant to not tell them your source. “It is just a piece of information that might be useful to you later. I am aware that your leader has been well involved with politicians– for connections, to secure deals. If you ever need leverage over General Wi, here is what you can use.”

Yunho took a deep breath at your response. You watched him scan you slowly, his eyes unreadable. “Is your source Yoo Kihyun of MX Pharmaceuticals?”

You looked down to hide your smile. “I have heard that you are well acquainted with him. He was more of a recipient than a source until a few years ago. The tables have turned now, but we still share information, and I was told that you could be trusted with the information I have. Is that still true?” 

He rubbed his chin in thought. “That depends on how useful the information you possess is. And it also depends on how loyal you are.”

“I am loyal to anyone who is loyal to me,” you said with a certainty that surprised him. “I know what it is like to be betrayed by blood and water both. To me, loyalty is the highest virtue.”

“Higher than morality?” He asked with a certain nonchalance, perhaps expecting to pin you in a corner, but…

“And what is morality, in this era?” You mused. “I’m sure you ask that question yourself often… Lieutenant Jeong.”

You seemed to have hit the nail because his gaze darkened. Perhaps, you should not have reminded him of his military rank, but to be Eden’s honoured lieutenant colonel and possess some fair morals? It didn’t add up even after Yeosang had said all the good things about him.

“I know what my morals are, Miss Jeon,” Yunho leaned forwards, locking his eyes with you and you wish some of his dark tendrils hid a bit of his eyes because that gaze was damning. “Do you? Or do you like to make yourself believe that you are the only virtuous one in the room?”

Maybe it was a dangerous game you were playing but you mirrored his position, your clasped hands almost brushing his as you said, “Oh, I have the lowest moral standards. In order to survive in Eden, especially when you’re on your own… you can’t go around possessing such foolish things as virtue, isn’t that so?”

Yunho looked down at your clasped hands, spotting the fading scar that ran along your thumb down to your wrist– one that you had gotten the night you lost everything. 

And then he ran a finger across it, ever so slowly, sending a trail of fire in its wake before getting up and wearing his coat, indicating that the meeting was over.

Damn him. Damn him and his stupid, beautiful hands–

“Goodnight, Luna,” he said in a low voice and you got up as well, gathering your wits before exiting the room.

“Goodnight… Mr. Jeong.”

And that had been the last time you saw him. It was Mr. Park who took the reports from you the day after, and last night you locked the office yourself about half an hour after midnight– you did not know why you stayed waiting for somebody to show up, but you felt a bit stupid afterwards. You should have clocked out on time.

You did not know why you waited.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you almost did not hear the sound of footsteps skittering in the direction of the office rooms. You looked up, gaping at what had to be a fifteen year old considering his scrawny appearance, moving not towards Yunho’s office but Kim Hongjoong’s. You frowned– how did he get past the guard?

“Oi,” you called but when he proceeded to knock at the boss’ door, you decided you had enough and slammed a hand on the desk to get his attention. “Oi, kid!”

“Is the Captain not inside?” he turned to look at you, looking as surprised to see you as you were. “Who are you?”

“Who are you?” you beckoned him to come nearer and he obeyed this time. “How did you get in?”

“I have something the Captain might like,” he grinned. “Still not back from his little trip to Edenary?”

So that’s where he was. The Capital of Eden, the land of the elites. “Uh… nope. Why you calling him ‘the Captain’?”

“Because that’s who he is?” He shook his head in disapproval. “New here?”

You scoffed in disbelief. “Kid, if you don’t tell me who you are, I’m going to have to escort you out.”

“No need, I’ll see myself out,” he winked at you and you laughed this time. You had to admit he was kind of cute for a kid even though you wanted to smack him on his head. You didn’t recall seeing him on the streets– his loose flannel shirt and newsboy cap was a look you thought you would have remembered. “I’m Jaemin, the informant. I answer directly to the Captain, so don’t even think about asking me what this was about.”

“You could still tell me, it could be our little secret,” you smirked but he shook his head. You stuck your tongue out at him. “Alright then. He’s supposed to come back tomorrow, I think. Should I let him know some kid was looking for him?”

Jaemin narrowed his eyes. “You haven’t met him yet, have you?”

“No,” you said. “Why?”

Jaemin only smiled condescendingly in answer. “You’ll find out. No need to tell him, I’ll be back soon.”

With that, the kid disappeared downstairs, leaving you wondering why he called the boss ‘the Captain’. It didn’t refer to his military rank because you knew that he was an honoured military strategist and colonel. You recently heard from Wendy that he had played a vital role towards the end of the war before the treaty between Eden and Halaland was signed. At such a young age, it was impressive. He was only a year older than you so he must have been about twenty when he earned that honour.

You distantly wondered if you ever came across him during the war. You had volunteered as a medical assistant– almost a nurse– in the latter half of the war. You had spent two whole years training medically and assisting the doctors and nurses. There weren’t many people in Eden so you might have encountered one of the Ateez men there, though you weren’t sure if you would recognise each other now. 

Moments later, you heard another pair of footsteps coming, this time familiar. Mr. Park, dressed in his usual black three-piece suit, met your gaze and sent a warm smile in your direction before he approached you.

“How are we doing tonight, Luna?”

“Good, Mr. Park. How about you?” You asked, taking tonight’s report and following him to Yunho’s office. “Did you perhaps see a kid leaving the building?”

Seonghwa chuckled at that. “You might find it hard to believe but that kid has saved lives with the information he shares.”

So the kid had not lied. “Impressive.”

Seonghwa waited until you took the seat in front of him. “He is like a stray cat who has marked us as his owners. We cannot take him in– he is too young, and he does not need to share the same fate the rest of us did, yeah? But he is a kid that nobody notices, and he uses that to his advantage. Next time you see him, ask him how he struck a deal with his ‘captain’.”

You laughed softly at that. “I will.”

Seonghwa nodded and started skimming through the reports. You told him that the new batch of liquor– specifically Black Shadow– had successfully been shipped to Mist Island. The shipment of their latest copper bullets was on the way too. You were surprised when you first found out that Mist Island was willing to trade weapons for liquor. Mist Island had a strict liquor import ban so the smuggling was being done secretly from both sides. It was impressive what money could buy.

Silence, Jihoon had told you one day when he was in a good mood. Silence of the police force.

You still hadn’t figured out what exactly they were doing with the weapons– you were aware that a lot of their money was being used in their business partnership with Pledis Manufacturers who were producers of machine parts. Your best guess was that they were involved in the weapons business and doing something undercover. You couldn’t question anyone about that yet. It was too soon.

“Good job, tonight,” Seonghwa said his usual words but this time, he did not dismiss you. Instead, he rested his back on the chair to look at you. “There are a few questions about your background that I must ask you before our boss arrives tomorrow, Luna. I’m hoping you will cooperate.”

There it was. They must have been done with the background check now. You wondered how much they found. “As best as I can while protecting myself, I will.”

Seonghwa smiled at that. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. Neither is it that I trust you already– Yeosang did, but that was different. You are now involved in the heart of the business that the Crescent Company does, so I have to make sure you’re suitable for this job, right?”

You were glad it was Mr. Park who was asking you these questions right now. Something about his presence was utterly calming and you could relax a little while talking to him. If you were objective, you could say that perhaps, it was his strategy to get you to lower your guard. But still… he was always soft spoken and kind. That did not change. 

“I understand, Mr. Park,” you assured him. 

“I could not find the records of your family… Miss Jeon,” he emphasised at your surname and you nodded. “You’re not a Jeon, are you?”

“It is a surname I borrowed around the time of the war, but I can assure you that I am from Eden. I was born here and have lived here all my life, at the Sector 1 border… save for a few years that I was not here.” Almost the truth. You had lived in Edenary, at the outskirts that met with Sector 1.

“And where were you? Where did you go in 1963?”

You exhaled. “Wonderland, to look after my sick aunt and get some further education.”

“Where, in Wonderland? Can I confirm that?” Seonghwa asked.

“The capital, Wonder City” you told him. “I’m not related to that aunt. She’s just an acquaintance who was willing to take me in. I looked after her and she gave me the financial help I needed.”

“Financial help,” Seonghwa repeated, glancing at your pearl ring that you always wore. He had an eye for things, and he knew that the pearl could not be in the hands of someone who was struggling financially. You could not have worn it so proudly if you had stolen it, so was it a family ring? A normal middle-class family could not afford such a pearl.

Just who were you?

“Yes,” you confirmed, willing him to trust you. “I might be wearing a pearl from Maddox & Co., Mr. Park, but that does not mean that I was showered in luxuries all my life. You must have found out that I was desperate for a job when I came back in 1966.”

Seonghwa nodded, swiping his hair back and exhaling. “Alright, I’ll let it be for now. You only need to tell us if you are related in any way to our rival gangs or the Sirens Rebel Party.”

“I am not your enemy,” you confirmed. “I cannot be acquainted with Yoo KIhyun and be in cahoots with any of your enemies. You have the same rivals.”

“Today’s friend is tomorrow’s rival,” Seonghwa mused. “Today’s enemy might be tomorrow’s lifesaver.”

“Then it is up to you, whatever you want me to be,” you smirked. “Rival or friend.”

Seonghwa nodded in thought, a bit amused, proceeding to pour you both some wine. While he downed it in one gulp, you sipped on it slowly, anticipating his next move.

“Do you perhaps have another tip for us?” Seonghwa raised a brow, amused.

“I might have, regarding your latest dealings with General Wi, but I will wait until both sides are clear.”

“Good,” Seonghwa shut the folder in conclusion. “I will take the leap of trust in you, Luna. Maybe you can do the same for us?”

“For you… yes, I can,” you told him. “I have one favour to ask, though.”

“Another one, already?” Seonghwa teased.

“You have a meeting scheduled with Secretary Park Byung Eun on the 14th, right?” You asked, the name leaving the most bitter taste in your mouth.

“President Lee’s secretary, yes,” Seonghwa nodded. “Do you know him?”

“Everyone knows him,” you said. While he was the President's current secretary, his name was well-known before that as one of the most successful businessmen in Eden. “You must be meeting because of a potential pharma-collaboration?”

“That’s right,” Seonghwa frowned, anticipating what was next.

You took a deep breath. “Do not reveal all your cards to that man. Do not let them know what you are up to.”

“Is that your way of telling us to be careful?” Seonghwa snorted. “We never show all our cards in the first meeting, Luna.”

“Neither do they,” you warned him and his smile fell. “Secretary Park’s team has a penchant for tricking you into deals. I’m just asking you to think this deal through. Whatever they are offering you won’t be very beneficial in the long run.”

“And how do you know that?”

“That doesn’t matter,” you told him. “If you need sources, or funds, you don’t need to rely on the Secretary Park.”

“You don’t know what business we conduct here, Luna–”

“I don’t need to know to warn you,” you insisted, feeling that tight knot of frustration build up in the back of your throat now. “I’m only asking you to think this through and take my words into consideration.”

“Your words, Miss Jeon, lack credibility right now,” he stated in a finalising tone, a pang of hurt shooting through your chest for a moment. He was right, though. They had no reason to trust you and to them, you must be seeming like someone who was looking to jeopardise their deal. “If you really want us to take you seriously, you would have to start giving us more.”

“I cannot give you more if I don’t know what you will do with the information,” you told him, sighing deeply. “Forget it, just… can you please let me know what you will be gaining and what you will be losing after your meeting with Secretary Park?”

“You’re assuming we will lose something,” Seonghwa noted. You didn’t answer and Seonghwa scanned your face, almost detecting fear in your eyes. Just what were you so scared of? “Is there any way you can trust me and tell me what this is about?”

“Not so soon, no, sorry,” you smiled sadly. You wanted to trust that man, you wanted to trust someone, anyone. “I don’t know what I’m waiting for, if I have to be honest. I’m probably asking too much considering that I am a mere bookkeeper.”

“We may have ranks here but we’re all equal, in the end,” Seonghwa said and his words tugged at your heart. There was rarely anyone who didn’t bring rank into everything. “I know you have no reasons to trust us either. Let’s work through our differences first before we make such demands, alright?”

You smiled at him and got up to leave. He followed, locking the doors and you both exited the building together. You shivered when the chilly night wind hit you. 

“The weather is getting colder. Bring a jacket or a scarf next time, will you?” Seonghwa said and you nodded. “Goodnight, Luna. I hope we are able to overcome all that is keeping us from mutual trust.”

“Goodnight, Mr. Park. Thank you for taking my words into consideration.”

He nodded, patting your back affectionately before you separated ways. That night, when you went home, you found Wendy getting ready to go to sleep. You didn’t get much of a chance to talk to her the whole week, considering your conflicting schedules, but you needed some answers right now so you sat at her bedside and she groaned in defeat.

“You need to tell me every detail, every rumour you’ve heard or any information you have on Ateez and what they do. Now.”

It was quite the busy day at the Crescent Office today. 

During the midday slot, you were packed with the new reports you had to make regarding the recent trade dealings with Mist Island, and you also needed to compile a transaction history before the Crescents were going to finalise their new deal with Utopia– both dealings happening undercover. You realised just how much work this job was– you had to create a pretty seamless legal report that was going to be used officially and make it seem like all their money was being circulated in their manufacturing business or the liquor business.

Seonghwa and San arrived when your shift was about to end. San waved at you, promising to catch up later and Eunha looked at you with a scandalous smile.

“Do you know the Choi San?”

“I literally worked at the Crescent Bar, Eunha,” you laughed. “I had to work with him.”

“He’s never waved at me like that. I’ve been here for a decade,” Eunha pouted. 

“Maybe you need to work as a cashier at the Crescent Bar in order to earn that privilege,” you told her, though you felt a bit pleased to hear that San had formal relations with the staff here.

Why were you pleased to hear that? You wondered but not long enough to make sense of it, soon getting caught up in more work. 

You went home after your midday shift, hoping to get some rest before your night shift because you knew it was going to be packed. You had no idea when the boss was supposed to come to office but you just hoped you would go unnoticed today– you had far too many thoughts that needed some sorting from everything Wendy told you last night– another reason you wanted to get some rest because her words kept you awake for the most part of the night. 

You made sure to dress properly today though, in any case. The weather was starting to get a bit chilly– summers were usually chilly in Eden. You wore a grey plaid suit that you kept for days like these, when you needed to make a good impression. You had fond memories with the two-piece– it was the first gift Wendy got you and it was more than she should have done, but she insisted she earned enough to buy gifts like these for the few friends she had. That made you wonder why she lived in a lousy shared apartment. You knew that her actual residence was in Sector 8 and she sometimes joked about how she lived here because it was ‘convenient’.

You wore white net gloves over your hands before going out, donning a matching grey hat. Eunha noted the new additions to your outfit and whistled as she shut her registers, groaning in satisfaction when she stretched her back.

“You did right with the gloves, but it’s a shame the boss isn’t here to appreciate them.”

“Eunha,” you glared at her and she giggled. She had warmed up to you– a bit too much, if you had to say, because she made jokes and teasing remarks like these often now that she was comfortable with you. You took off the gloves and spread them on your desk, grinning at her.

“I think they look pretty good from here too.”

You both shared a grin at that and Eunha wore her overcoat, saluting mockingly before leaving. Just before she was about to go downstairs, she turned in your direction, her doe eyes gleaming.  “Luna!”

“What now?”

“If you see the boss… don’t take his words to heart,” she said. “He may sound like a complete arse but he cares for all of us.”

“It can’t be any worse than Jihoon, can it?” You joked.

Eunha was right, though. At around 10 pm, you finally heard a few sets of footsteps ascend up the stairs and you took a deep breath, fixing your gaze on the stairs. To get to his office, the boss would have to walk past you so you fixed your half tied hair and arranged your desk a bit. Yunho’s head was the first to pop up, followed by an unfamiliar man and Seonghwa. They went inside Yunho’s room first, absorbed in heated discussion and you took a deep breath.

It was clear as day who Kim Hongjoong was. If it was not his appearance that betrayed him– dressed in a luxurious three-piece suit with the chain of a golden pocket watch visible, dark brown curls falling stylishly over his forehead– it was his unmistakable aura, the way he carried himself and his confidence. You felt it even if what you got was only a glimpse. 

A few minutes later, the trio popped out of Yunho’s room to go into Hongjoong’s room. You continued scribbling this time. You were going to remain in the shadows and go unnoticed–

“Get me the tax files,” the boss said. “I will personally make sure everything is seamless because I cannot have anyone messing it up– ah. Who is this again?”

Seonghwa cleared his throat. “Miss Jeon y/n. The bookkeeper– I thought Yunho told you already?”

Yunho looked guiltily at Seonghwa and you stood up in greeting, meeting the boss’s sharp eyes and internally gasping because oh, good heavens. He was inexplicably gorgeous–

“Good evening, Mr. Kim. If you need the tax files, I can get them for you.”

Hongjoong’s eyes betrayed him for just a second as he scanned your form, finding something oddly familiar about you. But his steel expressions returned and he shrugged lightly. “Yeah, well. I’ll have Yunho deal with that. You can get back to work.”

With that, he went towards his office and only waited a moment for the others to follow before he shut the door.

What a snob, you thought. His new bookkeeper and he didn’t even acknowledge you. Had Seonghwa and Yunho really not told him about you, or was he above these meagre details? You were aware that you would have to work with the boss now that he was back, but… how? 

Later, you found yourself at the Crescent Bar instead of your room. Perhaps, here you could get something that would make the bitter aftertaste in your mouth after tonight’s shift seem like nothing. Eunbi’s shift was over so you just found an empty spot in the corner and instructed one of your old colleagues to get you some Black Shadow and to make sure no one would bother you. He gave you a thumbs-up and a few minutes later, you were sipping at the rich drink while recalling the events of today.

Kim Hongjoong. Ateez’s boss, the brains behind the entity of the Crescent Company. A force to be reckoned with. A trickster, a manipulator, a true businessman, you had heard a while ago from the mouth of the elites who came here to drink. A man of his principles, Wendy had told you last night. He was rigid with his principles and that was what got him so far. You supposed he had to be all of that in order to survive after coming back from the war. 

Wendy said she wasn’t worried that you were working with him– at some point in this small sector, everyone had or would encounter him at least once in his life, directly or indirectly. However, she was worried that you would catch his eye, because according to her, you did not want to be involved with him personally in any way. He was a calculating and ruthless businessman with an ambition, and according to Wendy, that was something you were better off staying away from.

You considered everything you knew about the Crescent Company now that it had been a week working with them. They had partnered with Pledis Manufacturers to produce machine parts but you now knew that it was an undercover business for their weapons assembling. They had recently signed a new deal with Utopia to export these weapons in exchange for the Utopian wine– Black Shadow–  which was a trademark of the Crescent Bar. 

And it was Mist Island that provided the Crescents with the bullets and some metal for weapons production in exchange for Eden wine. It truly was a well-thought out business.

But that could not be all. You still did not know what the small packet– the powdery thing that got you here– was. Was it just a drug they used for pleasure purposes? You had never seen them in such a state, nor did the Crescent Bar tolerate druggies, though deals happened there, just like at any other bar. Nobody seemed to talk about it, there was no record of such an object being traded or produced– so what was it? Why had they almost killed you when they learned that you saw it?

And if it was a drug, why did they need to make a business deal with Secretary Park Byung Eun and have him fund MX Pharmaceuticals, of which they owned shares of? Kihyun knew that Secretary Park was not a man you should involve yourself with, so was he not aware of this new venture or was he turning a blind eye to it because they needed Secretary Park? Why would they need him of all the people in this world? 

“If you glare at your glass any longer, it will shatter,” a familiar voice said and you looked up, mouth parting in surprise.

“San!” You got up, straightening your clothes. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh, I literally own this bar?” San chuckled, noticing the almost empty bottle. 

“I mean, here here,” you pointed at your table. “I was just… drinking, as you can already see.”

“Long day?”

“Kind of,” you nodded. 

“Can I join you then? I’ve had a long day too.”

“Sure,” you said and he settled down in front of you, tossing his jacket on the other chair, now in a half sleeve black shirt. You poured the drink for him and he swirled it a few times before downing it in one gulp. You filled his glass again and motioned one of the waiters to get you a new one. 

It felt a little strange to have him seated like this in front of you. Sure, you had shared drinks countless times, but that was when you worked here and were serving him. There was also a shift in your interactions ever since that fateful night at the bar– somehow, that had turned your conversations more casual. He caught you staring at him but he didn’t comment on it.

“I’m assuming you met Hongjoong?” San asked and you exhaled, making him snicker. “What?”

“He’s… definitely the boss,” you laughed shortly. “He scanned me once and was like, okay, time to move on.”

“That’s him,” San laughed. “But that little scan he does means that he has memorised who you are and won’t forget. He’s got quite the memory.”

“I would expect nothing less, but San,” you sighed. “I miss being here. Even though I acted all professional here for the sake of formalities, it wasn’t ever suffocating being here.”

San frowned at your admission. “Do you not like where you are now?”

“It’s not that,” you shook your head. “I like the new job. It’s testing my capabilities, and I like challenges. It’s just that… you aren’t there. Yeosang isn’t there. You both are Crescents too. You both are also Ateez, so… how are you two so different from the rest?”

A smile creeped up on San’s lips and your heart did a little somersault– you hadn’t forgotten how handsome he was, but it had certainly been a while since you admired his charms. “Just say you miss us and move on, Luna.”

You laughed at that and San joined, the two of you chuckling for a few moments. “Yeah, I kind of miss being here and reporting all the gossip to you,” you said. “I miss working in silence with Yeosang too– don’t tell him I said that. It’ll get to his head.”

“I won’t,” he grinned. “Shall I tell you the gossip?”

“Oh, please, I’ve been starving,” you said.

About an hour passed over gossip and drinks, switching from wine to plain soda. San told you the latest happenings of the area– they had a little fight with Chan’s gang and had settled the matter about the attack on the Crescent Bar, making them pay for the damages. Yuju had gone to different bars to do a survey of what was trendy and come up with nothing, and you joked about how she was only good at doing what she knew– managing the staff, something she was an expert at. San said he would be sending Jeonghan and Mingyu next– perhaps, they would come up with a better report. 

It was the first time you talked to San as a friend, and though you had always found it quite easy to talk to him, you liked that just like Yeosang, he didn’t make it feel like there was a distinction between you two. Perhaps, you wondered, it was because of the nature of your work- after all, you couldn’t be too formal in a place like a bar. Maybe if there was no Crescent Bar, you really would have found San intimidating and unapproachable, just like people claimed he was. You still couldn’t believe them– not when he had the softest gaze when he paid attention to you, not when his eyes curved into moons when he smiled or laughed, and certainly not when he whined like just another adult with problems. 

When you checked the time on your wristwatch, you whistled– it was almost 2 in the morning. “Well. Time flies.”

“The night is still young, but we’ve both got to get up early, don’t we?”

“We sure do,” you nodded. “Well, this has been… a pleasure, San.”

“Likewise,” he propped his chin on his hand as he looked at you. “We should do this again.”

“Complaining about work?” You laughed. “Complaining about my bosses slash your friends?”

“Oh, so when you do it, it’s complaining, but when I do it, it’s whining? Noted,” San shook his head in disappointment and you grinned. “Can I tell you something, Luna?”

“Sure.”

“The hyungs– Yunho, Seonghwa and Hongjoong… they’re just like me and Yeosang. You just don’t know them yet.”

You looked at him for a moment. “I would have believed you if you had not included Seonghwa in that list.”

“Why?”

“You’re nothing like Seonghwa,” you joked. “He’s far too kind and refined.”

San’s loud laughter filled the room and you looked around, making sure no one was being disturbed. You leaned forward to tap his hand and make him stop laughing.

“I’m not lying, Luna,” San wiped his eyes. “Seonghwa… he may look refined but he can be very playful and childish when he wants to be. Yunho… well, once he warms up, you’ll know that he is the best kind of person you can have by your side.”

Somehow, his words wrapped around your heart like a promise. “You care about them a lot, huh?”

“I do,” he nodded. “They’re my friends, a part of my heart. I would do anything for them.”

“And… Hongjoong?”

“Hongjoong, well…” San smiled. “You find that out for yourself.”

“Not helping, San,” you folded your arms but he shook his head.

“All I can tell you is that if you’re lucky enough to break his walls… if he takes you under his wing, he won’t let anything hurt you. That’s the kind of person he is. He is the boss but he acts like a shield for us, and I wish I could do the same for him.”

You took note of his words. Did you trust San? A bit, yes. If he said all those things about Hongjoong, they must be true– at least according to his perception. But could you trust Hongjoong? Could you act as a shield for them so they could protect you in the future?

You made the decision before you slept that night. 

During your night shift the next day, you waited for the office to get a bit emptier. When there was only Seonghwa and Hongjoong on the upper level, you took a leap of faith and knocked on the boss’s door. It was now or never, and you had to make your move.

“Come in,” Seonghwa’s voice sounded and you opened the door. Seonghwa was seated at the couch while Hongjoong was at the end of the room in his chair, scribbling on paper, not bothering to look at you.

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” You asked Seonghwa.

“Sure, have a seat,” he motioned to the couch in front of him and you did, sliding the report to him and glancing at Hongjoong once. “Is everything alright?”

“It is, but… I must warn you of something. You cannot proceed with the deal you’re making with Secretary Park Byung Eun.”

Seonghwa settled the pen he had been playing with on the table, taking a deep breath. “What is this really about?”

“Secretary Park is aiming to become the Minister of Health, isn’t that right? All of the ex-president’s team has either retired or left their posts, replaced by President Lee’s people,” you said. “Is that why you need Secretary Park? Because you have no other option?”

Seonghwa narrowed his eyes– how did you find out that he was aiming to become the next Minister of Health? It wasn’t publicly announced yet– he had yet to sign up as a candidate for that post. 

“You must have one hell of a source,” Seonghwa looked amused, glancing at Hongjoong who was smoking a cigar and now looking at you with mild interest. You gathered your nerves before continuing.

“He is not a good candidate for the position, but that is not what matters right now. I would have gone to Kihyun but I decided to confirm with you first because I’m not sure if he’s aware of your plans, but… you must need Secretary Park to approve some drug in the future, right?”

Seonghwa’s brow rose ever so slightly and you jumped a little when Hongjoong slammed the pen that he had been holding on the table. He cocked his head as he glared at you. 

“Miss Jeon,” he said in a warning tone. “If you don’t stop talking in circles right now and tell us what this is about, I’ll have to deal with you myself. You don’t want that.”

You gritted your teeth, unafraid for the first time in a while. “Do you want this business deal with Secretary Park to be legal? Just answer my question first, Mr. Kim.”

“That’s right,” Seonghwa answered for him. 

“You should know that Secretary Park already has some business deals with Strictland officials going on,” you said in a low tone and the two looked at each other in surprise, clearly unaware. “You know how it will look for you if word comes out– Strictland is already an occupied state on the verge of military dictatorship. You can try to verify it for yourself if you want, but whatever deal Secretary Park has going on with Strictland… it’s not legal in any sense, neither is it moral.”

Seonghwa took a deep breath. “Our meeting with Secretary Park is scheduled for tomorrow.”

“And I thought you should be aware of this before the meeting,” you locked eyes with him, hoping he could see the desperation in them. 

“Jeon y/n, was it?” Hongjoong called and you looked at him. He was squashing his cigar in the ashtray on his desk. You nodded and he finally smiled, though it looked almost devilish. “Why would you care to tell us this information?”

“You must have heard from your underboss,” you said. “I am willing to trade information with you in return for protection.”

“And power,” he pointed out the missing part. “You mentioned power.”

“I only desire power in order to survive in Eden,” you said.

“So why protection?” Hongjoong asked. “You can’t be a powerful figure in Eden and not have everyone targeting you.”

“Being a part of the Crescent Company is protection enough, I suppose,” you rested your hands on the soft material of your black pants, subtly wiping the sweat off. 

“Protection from whom?” Hongjoong asked, his gaze set on you. You found it overwhelming almost to the point that you considered answering– he had a commanding presence. 

“I… can’t say. Not yet,” you said and Seonghwa shook his head, having already known your answer. “I don’t expect you to tell me what the deal is about– after all, I’m only a bookkeeper. But I can give you better options– ex-president Mr. Son, for instance, or Assemblyman Kim Jooheon.”

“Assemblyman Kim is a nobody in the political scene if we are being objective,” Seonghwa said. “I don’t think he will have much to offer to us.”

“He will have something to offer to you if you give him something in return– maybe something that pulls him out of the shadows and into the spotlight of the political scene,” you said, recalling how the politicians in Edenary always thought Assemblyman Kim had the potential but lacked the resources. 

“Why would Mr. Son ever associate himself with us?” Hongjoong got up from his seat, slowly walking towards you, hands in the pocket of his striped black suit. “We may be owners of a legal business company now, but everyone knows of our mafia ties and background.”

“You are an honoured military strategist who played a vital role to end the war, isn’t that true?” 

Hongjoong chuckled at that, nodding slowly to confirm that and settling down next to Seonghwa. “Not everyone is aware of that, Miss Jeon. I don’t like people talking about it.”

“But Mr. Son was the president at that time, and he honoured you with a badge,” you kept his gaze. “I think he will agree that a person who did everything in their power to end the feud between two nations would not be making a deal that would harm his motherland and its people… don’t you agree?”

Hongjoong stared at you while considering your words. “You have a lot of audacity to come in here and make claims about a business you are not a part of, and people you don’t know enough about. Possessing such audacity is what almost cost you your life that night, and what is tempting me to retract the deal my partners made behind my back.”

And there it was. A stark reminder that you may have struck a deal with the queen, but you were still just a pawn in this game of chess where the king ruled. Weak and expendable– that’s what you were.

“Hongjoong,” Seonghwa began but Hongjoong raised his hand in the air to stop him from speaking further, his eyes still locked with yours. You didn’t feel shame nor fear in that moment– just regret that maybe you had trusted the wrong people.

“You are a bookkeeper, and you can remain so. Goodnight, Miss Jeon.”

You nodded slowly, letting his words sink in and then you got up, bowing in greeting. “Good night, Mr. Kim, Mr. Park. Thank you for hearing me out.”

With that, you left the room and Seonghwa looked at Hongjoong. “You did not have to put it like that. I know she got you.”

Hongjoong slumped down on the couch in front of Seonghwa, cracking his knuckles while he thought about his next move. “Is there any way we can verify the information about Secretary Park without anyone getting a whiff?”

“I don’t know,” Seonghwa admitted. “I’m wondering how she knows that– if that was the truth. If Secretary Park really has a business deal with Strictland officials… I don’t think even his wife would know about that. If anyone gets a whiff of that, it could cost him his position and cause President Lee significant harm too, since Park Byung Eun is his secretary. You know how Strictland is still a sensitive topic after the war.”

“Then how does she know?” Hongjoong looked at Seonghwa. “Is she a spy?”

“She can’t be,” Seonghwa shook his head. “Luna worked as the bookkeeper at Crescent Bar for two years–”

“Luna?”

“That’s what everyone calls her,” Seonghwa said, a hint of a smile on his lips.

“She could be a mole, then,” Hongjoong sighed. “But no. Even a mole could not possess this information. What do we do?” 

“Kihyun was Secretary Park’s former business partner. I’ll ask Yunho to check with Kihyun and confirm if Secretary Park is the right man for this deal, but that means we will have to let Kihyun know that we are intending to make such a deal.”

“We were going to tell him anyway, let’s proceed with that plan. And Seonghwa?”

“Yeah?”

“Contact the RV spies and get any information you can on your little bookkeeper.”

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[xanaxspritz]

an: a continuation of these perv!nanami headcanons. im a journalist for my work and i had so many deadlines this past week. sorry for slight inactivity !!!

synopsis: nanami knew he was in trouble when you mentioned you were a virgin. he's been obsessed with bedding you ever since then

cw: perv!nanami, creampie, overstimulation, slight power imbalance, virgin afab! reader

nanami felt his own heart pounding when he opened the his apartment door for you. you looked so sweet, so delicate in the mini soft pink sundress you wore. your lips upturned into that shy flirty smile of yours that always drove him crazy. you looked good enough for him to eat whole.

he wondered if his intentions had been clear enough when he invited you over for the first time. unknowingly or not, you teased him relentless for weeks and weeks, from batting your doe eyes at him to slowly, day by day, showing up to his office at work in a much more revealing outfit than yesterday. you made him mad with lust.

and now he has you squirming on his couch, panties soaked and pulled aside with his thick fingers sliding in and out of you, thumb rubbing on top of your clit.

"that's it princess. you're doing so good," he says softy into your thigh, digging his fingers even deeper inside you. "need to stretch you out first."

"p-please i can't..." you mewl out. "it feels too g-good!"

"i know, i know. don't fight it, stay with me love." he reassures. determined to give you your first orgasm, he took out his digits and fully removed your pretty pink panties, diving into your wet heat, savoring and licking up all your deliciousness. the deep heat you felt down inside blossomed into a bright, mind numbing feeling that took over your whole being, as if you were floating on a cloud.

"good?" he asked.

you nodded, your head in a haze. never in your life have you felt this good, and you didn't want him to stop.

"im going to fuck you now. okay?"

"o-okay..." you watch him strip down to boxers, wondering how much trouble you would be in taking his girthy length.

"just relax," he whispers hovering on top of you, throwing your legs over his shoulders.

you felt his tat tip rubbing at your slick entrance, feeling every inch of him slide into you until he was fulling seated. it felt like he was slowly ripping you apart.

"kento, it hurts..." you whine.

"shh..ill go slow."

your pussy was intoxicating, so tight and snug around his cock, like a fitted glove. the fact that he was even fucking your little virgin pussy made him want to cum instantly, but he refrained, fucking deep long stokes into you.

"so fucking good," he moaned. "like you were made for me."

your eyes started to roll into the back of your head with pleasure as each stroke of his fat cock filled your pussy up. the living room filled with your soft whimpers and moans that made nanami's cock impossibly harder.

"i want to cum in your sweet little pussy. will you let me?"

too much of a daze, you nodded your head yes. loads and loads of his warm cum filled deep inside your womb. nanami pulled out, leaving the rest of the sticky substance to drip on to your inner thighs.

you didnt realize how tight you were gripping nanami's shoulders until he pulled off you, red finger marks rippled along his collarbones.

still fucked out, you rolled into his arms, where he holds you so dearly as if you were a piece of fine china he was scared to drop.

"good girl," he mumbled into your hair. "taking my cock so perfectly."

next time he would fuck you even harder, faster. he wanted to absolutely drunk on his cock, like it was only thing you knew. and since he was so blessed to be the one to take your virginity, he wouldn't let anyone else inside you.

[smutoperator]

Get It Like Boom Boom Boom

Kim Chaewon x Male Reader

Tags: anal, creampie, dirty talk, dominant woman, facefucking, grinding, multiple orgasms, ruined orgasm.

Word count: 2839.

Chaewon is a girl with not many moments for herself. Between her hectic schedules and her tough job as a leader of one of the most famous new kpop groups, pleasure is hard to come by. However, she always manages to get some deserved escapes from such a strenuous schedule. Tonight she wants it to be one of those nights where she leaves all the stress behind her and just gets to enjoy herself.

"I'm in need of a thrill I haven't experienced in a long time", she told herself. Searching her phone she finds your contact. You hadn't met Chaewon since the moment Iz*one became a page in kpop's history. Since then, she had switched agencies, debuted under a new group and rose to new levels of fame. She was busy and never called you, That is, until this day.

You got surprised when you got her message. "I want to come to your apartment, have some fun you know". You thought she would have just forgotten about an old fling she hadn't seen in years, but it wasn't the case. As you learned, Chaewon always remembers everything.

You had a tough day at work, tired and trying not to sleep, you waited for Chaewon. The night passed by: 7 PM, 8 PM, 9 PM, almost 10, and she hadn't showed up. Maybe she was just pulling a prank on you, but then she finally arrived, wearing a sultry black dress that caught you by surprise. You were still wearing your work attire as you were so tired you couldn't even take it off. "How are you doing?", she asked. "Better than ever", you lied to her. "That's nice to hear", she replied.

Chaewon quickly made up for the wasted time as she unbuttoned your shirt and sit on your lap. "Let's make it even better", she said, gripping her nails against your torso as she slid her hands down your body. It wasn't long until she unbuttoned your pants, revealing your massive member down there. Chaewon grabbed your cock with both hands and started smiling, eager to take on your full length. She took one lick from the bottom to the top and released a little cute moan, before taking it in her mouth. You quickly got aroused, despite looking extremely sleepy.

Chaewon took that cock down her throat, reminding you of how good her blowjob abilities were from the get go. You could only admire as she took it balls deep until gagging, then picked up the pace as she jerked you off. The way she slurped all over it quickly sent shivers down your spine, as she took it again deep in her throat. Chaewon got bragged about her skills, telling you "I should have made you wait even more for that, so easy". She was both being a cocky sucker and a cocksucker to you.

"Fuck my face", she told you, as you thrust upwards into her pussy-esque throat. Dok dok dok dok the sound of that pole hitting her deep in the hole. Chaewon took a deep breath and released your cock, screaming "HOLY FUCK YEAH!", sucking it even harder and not caring if you were to cum right there. However, just as she sensed you were getting close, she said "See you tomorrow" and abruptly left the room. You were confused, maybe she just wanted a little fun, what if she was lying to you? But you just had to resign yourself to sleep.

Just as you sensed your clothed penis being touched by a piece of fabric, you heard a familiar voice. "Wake up", it was Chaewon, sitting herself on your morning wood. It was definitely worth the wait as your cock looked much fuller than yesterday, and you had recovered your energies.

"I wanna see if that's good enough to destroy my ass", Chaewon told you. What a difference from that girl you met years ago that asked you to be gentle because your cock was the first she took up her ass. Now it's like breakfast for her, just a regular part of her sex diet. "You looked rusty last night, maybe you were just beginner level", she mocked you. "No I'm fine", you told her. "I'm not so sure you're strong enough to take on me again", she trashed talked you while grinding her clothed pussy against your hard dick, taking off her bra and moaning softly.

Chaewon turned back and asked again if you were strong enough. You replied positively to her. "Then show me", she shot back, grabbing your cock and restarting to suck it off just like the day before, this time giving you a panoramic view of her ass in lingerie. "Look at this big fucking cock, it's gonna look so good in my ass", she said, before deepthroating you.

"Fuck it deep into my throat", she ordered you as you pounded even harder and deeper inside it. Chaewon had a throat of steel it seemed, as she could take all those poundings while barely gagging. "MORE", she screamed as she coughed on your veiny prick. "Punch it in there, daddy". Gagging, sucking, spitting, jerking, Chaewon did them all with your cock. "You love it on my whore mouth don't you?", she kept provoking. "Look how I am such a nasty fucking slut with this dick daddy", she said, turning you on to fuck her face even harder.

"I want every inch of it in my asshole, hit it just you hit the back of my fucking whore mouth", Chaewon teased you. "God I want this fucking cock inside me so bad, shove it deep in my ass daddy", she kept saying, giving you tender kisses. You put her back facing the sky, taking her panties off and preparing her for the pounding. Chaewon got on all fours and tilted her ass to the sky and shoved it in your face, twerking it as you were eating her bunghole. "I know what you fucking want", she said.

As you tongued her anus first with deep movements then going rapidly up and down, Chaewon told you to keep going, "Shove that tongue in my asshole", she said. Chaewon now lost all her composure, looking like a mess in distress. "Oh yes daddy", she uttered alongside many loud moans as you kept showing your tongue and even sniffing your nose up her butthole. You spat in her shitter, a move that drew lots of approval from this little whore. "Spit in there, daddy, get it warmed up for that big cock". Many could only wish to taste her forbidden fruit, but you were the lucky one taking it fully.

And indeed, a few spits was all you needed. Her hole was very tight but once you managed to get your tip in, it engulfed your cock like a black hole engulfs light. "Bury that hard dick inside me", Chaewon ordered, and was quickly served. "Now we are talking, make that asshole yours daddy", Chaewon said alternating between moans and screams that only got louder. "Give it to me", she said.

As you stretched her shithole, Chaewon behaved more and more like a whore. "That dick is so big inside me, so good, so deep". The harder Chaewon told you to fuck her ass, the deeper you went, slapping her balls against her cunt and make her feel even more sensations quivering into her body. You spanked her asscheeks, your balls clapping against them as you went faster and harder inside her anus

"FUUUCK, YESSS, stuff me like that", Chaewon uttered. "Fuck me like a whore, slap those balls like boom boom boom", she said, asking for more just as you pulled out, she still on all fours. But not for long. "Please give me more", she asked. And sure you did, mounting on top of her like a bull, while she fingered herself to get even more stimulation. "I love how you shove those balls deep inside me", she told you, and then screamed the hardest moan yet.

"Stretch it wide open", she kept ordering, grabbing your cock with her hands and directing it inside her butthole. "God keep me fucking like this you're gonna make me cum", she told you. "Make me cum daddy, don't fucking stop", she said just as you hit her balls deep. Chaewon then stuffed two of her fingers in her pussy, fucking it herself and getting close to cum. "You are so deep in my ass, let me spread that asshole", Chaewon said, before releasing her juices into the bedsheets as you kept burying it inside her. "Daddy I can't get enough, my ass is so fucking full". Just a few seconds of you pulling it out already had her begging to shove it in. "Stuff me all the way up".

Boom boom boom got your balls slapping on her. "YES I'M CUMMING", she screamed, while twerking her ass against your hips to get that boom boom boom you were giving her even harder. The little mess, still recovering from her orgasm, pulled out and went straight up to taste her nasty butthole straight from your cock. You gave her no rest, fucking her skull just as she inserted her filthy mouth in your prick. "You taste so good out of my ass", she replied, followed by a succession of jerk offs and ordering you to shove it the back of her throat, her eyes rolling as her throat got smacked by your big sausage.

Chaewon spat on your cock, quickly asking "don't you love that sloppy tongue all over that cock daddy? Milking the shit out of it", she said as she started licking your balls like an insane slut. You told her to turn around and shoved it back in her asshole, well lubed by her excelled blowjob skills. Now she could only moan and scream as you kept stretching her. "That ass is all fucking yours daddy, keep stretching me like a bitch", she said.

You switched positions, taking her ass in a spooning position, where now you could see the reaction on her face every time you pumped her. As you started to finger her cunt, Chaewon quickly reacted "shove those fingers in my pussy daddy please, I love getting both my fuckholes stuffed. FUCK ME LIKE THE SLUT I AM". You kept going, now spitting on her pussy, to which Chaewon engulfed it like it was your cum filling her womb. That whore was insatiable, the more you attacked and destroyed her, the more she kept asking for it.

"Fuck me harder, fuck me like a little fucking slut, or just fuck me, I don't care", she kept telling you. "HARDER, HARDER", Chaewon was begging. She really wanted that boom boom boom sound of your balls clapping against her again, it was such a huge turn on. Once she got it, her already wet pussy started to cream even further. "BABY YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CUM AGAIN". You groaned as you keep shoving it, her telling lies about loving you beyond that throbbing member you were using to stretch her.

You kept pounding Chaewon, while also slapping her wet pussy and put your fingers on her needy mouth. "Keep going keep going, fuck me harder", she kept telling you, demanding you nothing but your best. "Fuck me up daddy". She was taking your stamina like no whore had ever done. "Don't stop, I'm gonna fucking cum", and she finally did, as you boom boom boom'd her ass once again. "That cock looks so good, that big thick yummy cock", she said. Chaewon set things straight, only praising you after you made her cum.

Chaewon spread her cheeks, showing you her gaped poop chute after the pounding you gave her. "Yes I love how you gape my asshole", she told you. "Look how I only spread that asshole wide open only for you daddy. I just came, and you're gonna make me fucking cum again". Chaewon kept getting sluttier and sluttier, but she wasn't done yet. "Fuck me harder baby, shove it up my guts, destroy me. I love those balls pounding against me. Fuck me like your little bitch", she kept telling you.

Chaewon took a break to suck your cock again, giving her classic sloppy blowjob. The little cocksucker shoved it balls deep, as you also dunked her head deep into your meaty pole. You kept fucking, but her throat just didn't bulge. "I want you to ride that cock", you told, trying to save your face against an insatiable Chaewon. She quickly sat on it and saw you thrust upwards against her asshole. But she didn't cave in easily, taking herself control of the ride and putting you on the verge of cumming, making you search for the worst thoughts deep inside your head just so you wouldn't give in.

"I wanna fucking milk it", Chaewon stated her intentions loud and clear, it was now a battle to not cum inside her butthole. You had enough of it and decided to take control, giving Chaewon a full nelson. But that only made her fire burn harder. "Slap those balls against me, spread that ass like I'm the biggest whore". "Keep it wide open", you answer back. "Yes use me baby, fuck that tight little asshole", Chaewon was quick and punched back. You spanked her cheeks, fingered her pussy, but nothing seemed to throw her out of her rythm. "Make my legs shake, fuck my asshole", she said.

You kept doing the work and pounding her down low but the one enjoying the ride was Chaewon, draining your energy while hers seemed endless. "Wreck that little asshole, fuck it hard, I can't get enough", Chaewon quickly pulled out and sat on your sweaty face, grinding that pussy and anus against your skin. "Yes daddy", Chaewon said as you ate both her fuckhole, quickly moving to another session of sitting on your hard cock, she wouldn't rest until you unleashed that white milk, and you knew that.

"Pound it up against me, that's your fucking asshole", Chaewon's incentives were hard to resist. "YES I'M CUMMING", Chaewon screamed as she released a fountain of squirt from her pussy, quickly recovering for another wild ride, and then speading her legs getting herself out to swallow your big dick down her throat. "I want more", she said as you spread her cheeks and gave her another full nelson. "Use my little fucking shithole, open me wide. Baby I need you to fuck me harder". Chaewon got out of breath as you pump on her harder than ever. "GET IT LIKE BOOM BOOM BOOM, GET IT LIKE BOOM BOOM BOOM", she started to sing like you were just a stage for her to perform. And what a performance she was giving.

"Come here", you told her. You had finally waived the white flag, putting her in missionary until you manage to cum inside her fudge factory. Chaewon knew it, telling how weak you were and begging you to be a real man and give her the biggest shot of semen she had ever got. She moaned as you put your finger in her pussy and kept going in and out of, according to her own words, gaped asshole.

"Pump it, pump it", she told you like a motivator. "Look at my whore eyes while you fuck me. Yes daddy, bury it in there, I'm such a fucking whore, my asshole is so fucking filled, my little pink asshole. Use that fuckhole, it's all yours". Chaewon couldn't stop talking, claiming her victory over you. "Tear me up, tear that asshole, fuck me like your dirty little whore".

You spit again in her asshole, Chaewon giving once again approval "you're spitting cause you wanna cum inside there don't you?". You finger her pussy, eliciting more moans from her "Don't stop, make me fucking cum again", she mandated. "HARDER HARDER I'M GONNA CUM", she screamed right after, her pussy sending a flow of juices right to your hips, her holes clenching and making yourself get close too.

"I wanna feel that warm hot load buried in my asshole. I wanna feel that cock exploding inside me. Give me every drop of that milky load, make me your cumslut, please, please, please", Chaewon said, and just like thar as she uttered those words, an explosion of sperm was felt hitting the depths of her shithole, your fully swollen cock giving in. Chaewon scooped it out straight into her mouth, swallowing that jizz like the slut she was. And just like that, it was over, it didn't even looked like it lasted under 40 minutes as you felt like she gave you a four hour fuck.

And if girls wanna have fun, Chaewon surely did after that.

My first smut. Maybe it was too repetitve but the point is simple: queen Chaewon getting fucked in the ass with many references from Le Sserafim's extremely milked hit mostly known as Get it Like Boom Boom Boom.

[heli-writes]

A dragon's heart, part 9.

Pairing: Barbarian!Bakugou Katsuki x female!reader

Summary: The dragonblood tribe is known for being cruel, barbarian warriors that slaughter, loot and rape all places they pass through. They are feared among the villagers and even bigger cities. Having lost most of their women to a plague, they're trying to ensure their tribe's survival by kidnapping women from other places. However, they're not the only monsters in human form out there. When y/n experiences this first hand, she has no choice but to ask for help from no other but the barbarian leader Katsuki Bakugou himself.

Disclaimer: mentions of injuries, mentions of forceful behaviour towards women, bad family dynamics

[Please don't read if you are sensible to or triggered by the topics mentioned above.]

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10

Series Masterlist

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Y/n has no idea what is happening. Currently, there are two elder women around her who undressed her, redressed her and now are pulling her hair and painting her face. And by painting her face, it must be clarified that they don't put pretty delicate makeup on her but that they draw bright red lines on her face, arms, and legs. It looks like full-body war paint, y/n thinks.

Also, y/n is not convinced by the outfit they put her in. It's a two-piece. A loose neck holder top ends only a few inches under her boobs. She's also wearing a floor-length skirt. However, she's not sure if the word 'skirt' fits the piece of clothing around her hips. Two long pieces of fabric are strung in multiple hold chains that sit tightly around her hips. One piece covers her backside, the other the front side.

The squishy part of her tummy and her belly button, as well as her arms and legs, remain uncovered. Y/n usually feels comfortable in her body but it's a bit too revealing. At least for this weather. Also, she's a bit scared her butt cheeks can be seen when she's walking.

She tries not to think about it too hard since the two women working on her hair are wearing similar clothes. It seems as if this is normal for women around here, even if they are a gazillion years old.

The women don't speak to her. Also, they don't speak to each other.

When Katsuki left her alone with them, y/n felt a bit relieved since this was the first female company she had in a long while. But now she just feels awkward.

The women braid her hair and pin it up in a lavish updo which y/n finds very pretty. When they're done, they decorate her hair with golden hairpins and put necklaces around her neck that look similar to Katsuki's. They also want to put earrings on her but y/n doesn't have her ears pierced so they leave them as they are.

Absently, y/n massages her earlobes. She wonders if they'd like to pierce them. They have multiple piercings and also Katsuki wears earrings. She's also positive that she saw men with piercings in their noses and other places in their faces yesterday.

She shudders. It's against the beliefs of her people. Her people believe that one is born by nature's divine design and altering your body by piercinging or tattooing it, is a heavy insult to the great being of things. Some even refuse makeup and say it's not how nature wants them to look. Y/n isn't so strict about that but also wouldn't usually wear any form of paint on her body.

All of this feels so very foreign to y/n. Of course, she knew that Katsuki must live a different way of life but when being with him, that rarely became apparent. This outfit makes it painfully aware of just how different their cultures are.

Somewhen, Katsuki reenters the tent again. He wears a similar body paint as her. He lost the cape and more necklaces than usually hang around his neck. He also wears a bunch of bracelets, he usually doesn't wear.

When the ladies are done with y/n, they present her to him. Y/n gets up from where she is seated and gives him an unsure smile.

His eyes run up and down her figure. He has a stern look on his face the entire time, but he gives her an approving nod. Then he steps closer to her and pulls a delicate chain from his pocket. Carefully, he places it on her head.

Immediately, the women step closer and pin it into place. Y/n touches it carefully. The chain is thin with strings of golden beads. In the middle of her forehead dangles a drop-shaped pendant in a rubyred shade.

Katsuki puts a hand on her shoulder. The weight from his arm grounds her. She didn't notice how shaky her breath was.

The funny thing is, she doesn't even know what this is all about or what will happen when they leave the tent. Based on the outfits and Katsuki's grim expression, it must be something meaningful, something big.

She wonders if he drags her down an aisle. Figuratively speaking, because her people don't marry in churches where you would have to walk down an aisle. Her people marry in lakes and rivers or creeks. They believe all life comes from water and therefore they tie their lives together in it.

Y/n is pretty sure, she would refuse to step in a lake around here. It's just too cold for swimming on the tip of a mountain. She wonders if she'd walk down an aisle with Katsukin if that's what is going to happen today.

Anxiety chews at the sides of her stomach. Truth is, she doesn't want to get married. She wants to be with Katsuki, yes, but again in her culture that doesn't mean one just immediately marries. Y/n thinks that a challenge or crisis must be overcome first before two people can truly know that they belong together. That hasn't happened so far.

She needs more time and she doesn't know if Katsuki or his people are going to give her more time.

The two women leave the tent and Katsuki and y/n remain alone. Katsuki steps a bit closer and carefully puts his hand on the side of her head. He leans closer and puts his forehead against hers. The pendant presses into the skin of y/n's head and it doesn't feel as reassuring as it probably should feel.

Y/n swallows hard.

Katsuki leans back and stares into her eyes. The red of his eyes looks particularly hard today.

Meanwhile, Katsuki can see the fear in y/n's eyes. He wants to explain to her what they will do today but he knows he can't. It makes him angry he's never been taught the common tongue. His mother was traditional like that.

He is racking his brain for any words or sentences he picked up. Unfortunately, most of the things he learned, he picked up in battle or from captives or the women they took. He doubts however that things like "die", "you bastards" or "please, no" will be reassuring to y/n.

"Okay?", he tries, the word feeling foreign on his tongue. He holds out his hand to her. Y/n stares at his hand, then at him. She takes a deep breath. "Okay", she whispers and takes his hand.

*~*~*~*~

Katsuki takes her to the bonfire square. It's where his mother, her ladies-in-waiting, and the rest of his people wait for them.

He's as anxious as y/n looks like. He has to admit that while y/n looks absolutely stunning in his tribe's clothes and paint, she also looks smaller and weaker than ever. He tells himself that things will be alright. That even if his mother doesn't approve, he can take her on as his mate anyway. He's chief, he makes the decisions.

But deep down, every child wants to please their parents. And Katsuki looks up to his mother. She's fierce, she's strong and the only reason he's chief to begin with is only because she stepped down after the plague. Some people blamed her for it even though everybody knows that it's not something a human being can control. Maybe that is why she feels so strongly about Katsuki taking on a good mate that will produce lots of offspring.

Katsuki shudders even though he's not cold. He looks at y/n who is also shivering. He holds her hand a bit tighter. Y/n looks up to him and gives him a small smile.

At least she doesn't despise me and comes along willingly, he thinks.

The past few presentations since the plague have been anything than pretty and joyful. After raids, men brought women from other places. Women that didn't want to be there. It was either impossible to make them look presentable due to them fighting it or the paint on their faces was ruined by the time they stepped in front of Katsuki.

Usually, his men have to present their future mates in front of the chief and he has to decide whether they are acceptable or not. Since he's chief, it's his mother who will do the presentation. In contrast to Katsuki's decision, his mother's is completely representative and meaningless. He's chief after all. And still, he feels like he needs his mother's approval. Maybe part of him is afraid that his people won't respect him or his mate when she doesn't approve of her.

They approach the square. His people are lined up at the side desperate to get a view of the woman Katsuki brings along. His mother and her ladies-in-waiting are sitting at the other end of the square.

Katsuki can feel y/n stiffen at his side. He gives her a glance and can see how her face is pale beneath the red paint on her face. She's not shaking anymore but her muscles are tightened to a point where they will probably ache tomorrow.

He links her arms with his and proudly struts along the square. He tries not to walk too fast so that she doesn't stumble over her feet. He's seen women stumble and fall on their presentation and it was always humiliating for her and the man. Of course worse are the cases where they have to be dragged or carried into the square while crying and loudly protesting.

Quickly, he tries to shut out these thoughts. This is different, y/n's different. She's coming willingly, she's looking more than just presentable, things will be fine.

He steps in front of his mother who looks at him with a hard stare. She doesn't even spare y/n a glance.

„Mother, I present to you the woman I have chosen as my mate.“, he tells her. His voice sounds hard and determined.

His mother sits up more straightly. Her eyes shift from him to y/n. Katsuki doesn't dare to look at y/n. He just hopes she holds eye contact with his mother. His mother, Mistuki, looks y/n up and down.

Then she stands up and walks up to the couple. Gently, Katsuki lets go off y/n's arm and takes a step to the side.

His mother circles y/n while examining the woman infront of her. She lifts y/n's skirt a bit and peers under it. She touches her hair and the necklaces that dangle around her neck.

„She's skinny.“, Mitsuki comments. Katsuki stays silent. His mother stops infront of y/n and looks her up and down again.

„She has no muscle mass whatsoever. Can she even carry a bucket of water from the creek to your tent?“, his mother continues.

„She arrived yesterday. I'm sure she can build up muscles over time.“, Katsuki answers her calmly.

Mitsuki cocks her head to the side.

„Can she? She looks cold. She might also freeze before she even finds her way back to your tent.“, his mother continues.

„I get her warmer clothes.“, Katsuki argues.

His mother gives him a glance.

„Sure, sure. You can. But what if she catches a cold? Is she sustainable enough to survive that? To survive childbirth?“, his mother asks frowning.

Katsuki steps closer again and pushes y/n's top to the side a bit.

„When we met, she had an arrow stuck in her shoulder. Look, it healed quickly and without infection. I'm sure she can heal well after giving birth.“, he explains.

„Struck by an arrow?“, his mother says with a raised eyebrow and Katsuki instantly regrets mentioning it.

„That means she lost a fight? Are we not a tribe of warriors?“, Mitsuki asks sharply.

„It's a wound of a warrior. I've been struck by arrows before. Are you saying I'm not a warrior?“, he bites back.

His mother gives him a long stare before returning to her seat. She leans her head onto her arm and runs a hand over her face. He knows what comes next.

„I don't approve.“, she says and Katsuki's face twists in anger. Whispers run through the crowd.

Before he can answer her, Mitsuki continues.

„Katsuki, you understand you are our leader, yes? You understand that it is necessary that you have plenty and healthy children, yes?“, she points out angrily.

„Of course, mother. I intend to ensure our tribe's survival in any way I can.“, he tells her calmly.

Mitsuki slams her fist down and stands up.

„Then, why are you intending to bond to this frail excuse of a female? Why do you not wait until one of our own is of age?“, his mother says loudly pointing towards a few girls at the age of 10-12 at the side next to her ladies-in-waiting.

„The longer I wait or any man of this tribe waits, the bigger the gap between the generations will get. This poses a threat to our tribe. You know that. It's why we began bringing in women from other places in the first place.“, he argues back angrily.

„Wrong“, his mother says cooly, „We began bringing other women here because so many of us died that even the next generation of women can't ensure the tribe's survival.“

Katsuki grinds his teeth. She's not wrong.

„Do you know what kind of insult this is to these women? That their leader chooses a foreign, weak female like that over them?“, his mother continues and gives y/n a demeaning gesture.

Katsuki starts to see red.

„They're not women, they're children, mother. Do you intend to make one of them my child bride? Isn't that an insult to their mothers who died? Is that all they're worth?“, he yells at her.

He knows that will hit a sore spot. His mother cares deeply for these young girls and grieves the death of their mothers equally as deeply.

Absolute silence engulfs the square. No one dares to even move a finger. His mother gives him a long, cold stare. Then she sits down again.

„You're chief, Katsuki. Do whatever you want, but I'll warn you. Your example will precede this tribe. If you fail to produce an heir, this tribe will not survive under your reign.“, she tells him.

Katsuki is fuming. He wants to yell at her, maybe even throw a knife at her. But people are watching and he has to be careful what he says next. He must strengthen his position as chief even if that means demeaning his own mother.

„You've brought this fate upon us in the first place. Why do you think you have the answer to how we ensure our survival? Didn't you step down because you don't have the answer?“, he says striking to kill.

His mother's face contorts in anger and shame. He doesn't give her a chance to reply. He turns to his people.

„This woman came here by her own free will. She's proven herself a great healer and skilled hunter to me. You all feasted on her success at yesterday's bonfire. Therefore, I approve her of being worthy as my mate.“, he declares to them.

Without waiting for a reaction from his people or his mother, he turns around grabbing y/n's arm and he leaves the square with his head held high.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Y/n stumbles after Katsuki. Her head spins. The last few minutes have been nothing but bizarre to her. Obviously, she didn't understand a single thing that's been said but y/n isn't stupid. She quickly picked up on the atmosphere of the conversation. Which was not good.

Even before Katsuki and the women started yelling at each other, y/n knew that the conversation was not going well. It's easy to spot when Katsuki gets angry. Really angry, not the normal state of angry he always seems to be in.

Katsuki walks fast and y/n has trouble keeping up with him. He drags her all the way back to his tent. Only when they're inside, does Katsuki let go of her. He doesn't say a word.

He walks over to the table and pushes it over with a loud, angry yell. Y/n flinches at the action.

Katsuki kicks a bucket filled with weapons to the other side of the room and lets out a string of angry words that y/n guesses are insults.

She's never seen him this angry before and it scares her. She wants to get closer to him, put a hand on his shoulder, and comfort him in his frustration. But when Katsuki starts destroying one of the chairs with a battle axe, y/n is sure it's best to not get close to him at this moment.

So, she stands helplessly in the middle of the room flinching and trying to avoid flying splinters of wood.

Suddenly, there's a rustle at the entrance of the tent. A red-haired warrior enters it.

„Yo, Bakugou!“, the man says carefully and steps next to y/n.

„What the fuck do you want, shitty hair?“, Katsuki yells at him, his face contorted in anger.

„Making sure you don't scare the poor thing to death.“, the man says and points towards y/n.

„Fuck off, Kirishima. She's fine.“, Katsuki growls at him

The man named Kirishima sighs and gives y/n a side glance.

„You sure? She doesn't look too happy about this. You still have to mark her, maybe tune it down a bit until then.“, Kirishima tells his chief.

Katsuki drops the bits of wood he is holding and frowns.

„Whatever, shitty hair. What do you want?“, Katsuki asks.

Kirishima pushes his hands into his pockets.

„Looking if you're alright. I mean the presentation went... not well, I guess.“, the red-haired man says carefully.

Katsuki scoffs. „I'm fine. The hag's opinion doesn't matter. I'm chief.“, he declares.

Kirishima nods. „Of course, you are. And your decision stands.“, he reassures his leader.

„And if you ask me, I think you made a good choice.“, Kirishima continues.

„From all the women that we brought here over the last few years, that one is definitely the calmest. Remember when I brought mine? She was a mess, well, actually still is but I don't need to tell you that.“, Kirishima tries to reassure him.

When Katsuki doesn't answer, Kirishima quickly adds: „Also, she's very pretty.“.

Katsuki straightens his posture and looks y/n up and down.

„Yeah, she is.“, he tells his red-haired friend.

Kirishima nods cheerily. „Exactly. So why bother thinking about your mother's words? Why don't you and... uh...?“, Kirishima gestures towards y/n.

„Y/n“, Katsuki tells him.

„Right, why don't you and y/n come and join us at the stables? Denki, Sero, and I are heating up some mead. Have a drink with us.“, Kirishima proposes.

Katsuki shrugs. „I don't know. Y/n might not feel comfortable meeting more people after this.“, Katsuki tries to excuse himself.

Kirishima gives him a toothy grin. „Oh, what a gentleman. You're really smitten, aren't you?“, he teases.

Katsuki shoots him an angry look. „Shut the fuck up, Kirishima. It's just been a lot, ok?“, he mumbles.

Kirishima doesn't fail to notice the pink dust covering his chief's cheeks.

„Alright, what about this. Y/n stays here and can collect herself. You come with us for a drink. Maybe we can come back and catch her later. What do you think?“, Kirishima tries to convince him again.

Katsuki shrugs.

„I guess we can do that.“, Katsuki says reluctantly.

„Great!“; Kirishima says clapping his hands. „Y/n, you stay! We'll come back later.“, he tells the woman next to him who looks at him with wide eyes when he speaks directly to her.

Katsuki steps over the destroyed chair and follows his friend outside without sparing y/n a glance.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Y/n feels like crying. She's standing in the middle of the half-destroyed room all alone. She's so confused.

What on earth happened?

What's going on?

Who is that red-haired man?

Where is Katsuki going?

Her head starts to hurt by the amount of force she uses to suppress her tears. Eventually, she can't hold them back anymore and hot tears run down her face.

She makes sure that no one can hear her sob.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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[crguang]

meet me in the afterglow

The Astral Express landed on your sick planet and removed the cancer of your world. Even though Himeko belongs with stars as bright as she shines while your place is on steady ground, you would suffer the distance if it meant knowing her.

long distance relationship, hurt/comfort, 7k words.

A/N: this really beat my ass. himeko pov practice, i wanted a more emotional piece so she feels a bit ooc to me

The video call connects and your slightly obscured face is viewed at a low angle. You look down at the screen, smiling with your teeth when you see her, and Himeko easily mirrors your happiness. Her cheek rests in the palm of her hand, elbow on the desk’s surface as she gazes at you through the phone.

“Hiii,” you wave at her cheerfully. Himeko hears the sound of a door closing in the background and with a couple of steps into your apartment, the lights flicker open, illuminating your bright expression born from the mere sight of her. The weariness of her eventful day washes away faced with the striking love you hold for her and she can’t help a short giggle from falling past her lips at your greeting. The musical sound lights up the color in your eyes. 

“Hi. Did you just get home?”

You hum in agreement, your keys rattling in your hands. “Today was so long. I’m happy you called.”

You step out of your shoes and walk around your apartment, only looking up from the screen to open your bedroom door. Himeko watches you prop the device on top of your desk and wander around the room while you discard your jacket. A full-length mirror stands across from the desk, showing your figure even when you’re not in the camera frame.

“Me too, we haven’t talked in a while,” Himeko says as you rummage through your drawers. “How have you been?”

“Yeah, we’ve both been really busy,” you find a clean shirt and begin pulling the one you’re wearing over your head. “Oh!” 

You excitedly walk back in front of the phone, shirt hanging around your neck and exposing your torso. You seem too thrilled to care, but Himeko’s gaze unashamedly lowers to your chest until you clap your hands once and speak again. 

“I got the promotion yesterday! I wanted to tell you. I’d say it was worth being worked to the bone this last month.”

“You did?!” She beams. “I knew you would, no one worked as hard as you have for this. I’m so proud of you.”

The delight on your face warms her from head to toe. It’s a wonder how light you make her despite being multiple warp jumps away, you shine through the distance and effortlessly reach the depths of her chest, filling her with hot air until she’s drifting among the stars she knows so well, weightless. You take the work you do seriously, so she does as well. Your victories are hers, and it feels as though she’s gone through them all with you even though she’s not often physically present. 

“Thank you. How are you? Is the Express parked somewhere?”

“I’m doing good. We’re on the way to Herta’s space station right now for a few minor repairs and to stock up on supplies. We should be there for a couple of days.”

You change into a graphic t-shirt and thin pyjama pants, nodding along to her words. You pick the phone back up and bring it closer to your face. A small, fleeting crease appears between your brows as you truly take her in and notice her lack of sleeping clothes.

“Are you still working?”

Himeko hums lightly, a finger absentmindedly tracing patterns on the desk. “I need to finish up a couple of things.”

You take her with you to the bathroom, and the brighter light makes the concerned down curve of your mouth apparent. “Don’t sleep too late.”

You miss her fond smile. “I won’t.”

You set her up near the sink so you can start brushing your teeth. It’s nice to be privy to these mundane moments, these glimpses of domesticity, even if Himeko wishes she could witness them in person. Her smile twitches at the corners at the cursory thought, but it zooms past when your eyes light up with an idea and you rush to spit the toothpaste into the sink to talk properly. Your expressiveness is a treasure she deeply cherishes. 

“I forgot to tell you,” you quickly rinse your mouth and wipe it with the back of your hand, “I need your advice on something. I was invited to this formal-ish dinner this week and I’m not sure what to wear.”

“What kind of event is it?”

You pick up the phone and make your way back into the bedroom. “An acquaintance’s birthday dinner. It’ll be a good way to make some connections, though, hence my hesitation.”

Upon Humeko’s request, you adjust the screen on your desk to show her the outfits you visualized for the event. You’re too engrossed in your task to feel shy as you change in front of the camera and the endearment of it all almost overshadows the desire bubbling in Himeko’s lowered gaze. She finds her fingertips aching to trail down your bare biceps and forearms, across the tender skin of your wrists and over the lines of your palms; a homogeneous mix of gentle yearning and lingering melancholy simmers inside her chest. The distance between you suddenly feels as immense as it is because no matter what either of you does right now, she cannot touch you. It’s an imposing part of her, touch. Tangling her fingers in your hair, tracing the faint marks of your hips and thighs, pressing reverent kisses on the apple of your cheeks or behind your ears— they are confessions she slowly realizes that she can’t go without. She will utter warm truths meant solely for you, and even shout them if you wish, but her hands are growing restless. She does everything with her hands, she tinkers and soothes and creates, but she cannot touch you, not as often as she craves to. The feeling isn’t unfamiliar, she simply tells herself that she misses you particularly hard on this day and counts the next ones until you reunite. Tonight… perhaps it’s the month-long absence with only scattered messages exchanged between you or the fact that you’re trying on clothes for yet another event she won’t get to experience with you, but the longing curled around her rib cage tingles uncomfortably. 

You turn to face the camera, showing off one of your outfits, and Himeko’s smile holds a sad tint that you don’t notice straight away. It’s hidden behind genuine affection, but she unknowingly becomes slower to answer and you send her a quizzical look. 

“Are you okay?” You ask, stepping closer to the phone to see her better. 

“Of course.” Himeko blinks, not expecting the question, and answers reflexively. You don’t seem convinced, so she adds, “This outfit is my favorite, you look gorgeous in it. You should put your hair up to go with it.”

You nod slowly, eyes flickering over her features in search of what lurks beneath her easy demeanor. When she doesn’t expand on the matter, you let it go. You start taking off the outfit to change back into your pyjamas. It’s briefly quiet for a moment and in usual circumstances the silence would be comfortable but there’s a persistent weight on Himeko’s chest that she can’t part with, it manages to cloud your sunny smiles and bright eyes enough for a soft sigh to escape her. She’s full of affection as you settle into bed with your phone in your hands and look at her with half your face squished into your pillow, it is exactly what this discouragement is born from and she can’t elude it. She feels a touch of guilt come into the mix for having something so beautiful bred such negative emotions. 

Your thumb hovers over her image on the screen as you speak. “If you’re not too busy… I have this weekend off. We could see each other?”

Himeko quickly runs through the tasks she has to complete this week. If she moves some things around and delegates others well, she should be able to free up at least an entire day to visit you— and she will because just the thought of having you close has her floating a few inches from the ground. 

“I can do Saturday,” she replies. The promise of seeing you soon almost melts away every other thought.

“Oh. That’s not too bad.”

Her pout is playful but her question is not. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing. I just miss you.”

Right. Though you don’t often complain, she’s reminded that the distance also weighs on you sometimes. Guilt grows steadily in the dark confines of her guts like a slow-acting cancer. Himeko knows it’s not anyone’s fault that she’s a Nameless fated to travel among the stars while you’re rooted to your world, helping its recovery from a Stellaron disaster. You’re needed where you are, she’s walking the path of the trailblaze, but she can’t help feeling awful at the dismissive way you imply that it’s been some time since you last saw each other in person. She bears the responsibility of your happiness and a sense of failure overcomes her whenever it’s clear that her absence saddens you. It’s easier to blame herself when she’s the one who never stays too long in one place.

“…I miss you too, you know.”

“I know,” you offer her a soft smile that doesn’t meet your eyes. Himeko does her best to return it. “I can’t wait to see you.”

“Me too.”

—

Himeko doesn’t show up on Saturday. You’ve left her multiple messages, called her phone throughout the day, growing increasingly worried every time you reached her voicemail, and waited in your apartment for hours in case she would appear on your doorstep. You stand in front of the kitchen counter where two cold servings of her favorite dish lay and stare at the phone screen, opened on your private texts, like the familiar three dots indicating that she’s online will suddenly pop up. You tell yourself that she likely got caught up in something important and ignore the mocking voice that asks, “Are you not important, too?” You feel the food under your nose is laughing at you, its carefully plated vegetables reminding you of your previous excitement and exacerbating your current disappointment, so you put it in a container and throw it in the fridge. You’re not hungry anymore. It’s not the first time your plans have fallen through but Himeko usually warns you that she can’t make it or calls you with soft apologies on her lips. Because of your schedule, you’ve had to cancel a couple of times too, these things happen and no one’s to blame for them. That thought doesn’t dissolve the dejection burning your throat. 

It’s late in the evening, and you settle on the couch with a book you’ve been meaning to read for weeks now but have been lacking the free time to do so. Two chapters in and the words stop making sense; they dance on the page and merge to form completely different sentences as your mind wanders to what lies beyond your skies— the grandiosity of the Astral Express. You visited it a few times, back when its crew parked on your planet and helped seal the Stellaron that was eating at your world. You still remember its large panoramic windows and the boundless stars beyond them, its long hallways and cozy parlor. Traveling with such an extraordinary companion makes each day worth remembering. That train is her oldest friend, she saved it from erosion and has taken great care of it since, it’s witnessed her growth as a Trailblazer and showed her sights you can’t picture. You understand, a little because Himeko introduced you to the constellations with a hand on your forearm and you smell coffee beans whenever you look up at them from your balcony. 

You mark your page and put down the book. There’s no point in attempting to read more tonight, your head is full of those first days spent learning Himeko; her talent for diplomacy, a strength that could shake the seas and a regard for life just as unwavering. She sometimes says your meeting was meticulously etched into the firmament. You didn’t care much for the truth behind fate before her, she single-handedly turned you into a believer like she was an angel apparition bringing news from above. You’d argue being loved by her is akin to a religious experience, her palms soften your woes and her sincere words touch parts of you that you’ve never known until she spoke. You wish to revere her without constraints. 

You’re so lost in memories that the sudden melody of your ringtone startles you. You reach for the phone on the coffee table. You stare at the contact, hesitant, before erasing all wistfulness from your features and accepting the video call.

Himeko waits for the call to connect with a thundering heart and guilt pooling in her stomach. She dreads this so much, dreads seeing the frown on your lips knowing she’s the cause of it, that she’s put back talking to you for two hours now. She owes you an explanation, of course, and she doesn’t seek your forgiveness for her lack of communication. Her apprehension comes from the disappointment she’s sure you’re feeling, and a familiar sense of failure washes over her at the thought of letting you down again.

Your pouty face appears on the screen and Himeko can’t even force a shaky smile. 

“I’m so sorry,” the words are quick to tumble from her lips like they’ve been uncomfortably sitting in the back of her throat for days. “I should’ve called. The Express needed some last-minute repairs and I’m the only one— I’m sorry.” 

It’s the truth, but her voice is small to her ears because it sounds like she’s making excuses when she has none. She should have taken a few minutes to explain the situation to you instead of leaving you hanging for hours after assuring you that she’d be there this weekend. Getting lost in her work is easy and happens more often than not but she has a foreboding feeling that she truly messed up this time around, something curls around her throat and squeezes, forcing unsteady breaths out of her. 

“It’s… It’s fine, Hime. Is everything okay?”

Your easy understanding is not a facade and it worsens her guilt, she could swim in it and not touch the bottom. She sees the hurt you try to push away for her sake, it’s in the depths of your eyes and the slight curve of your mouth. A recurring thought lingers in her mind; she doesn’t deserve you. 

Himeko nods once, futilely swallowing to loosen her throat. “Everything’s alright, I had to sort out some complications with the suspension components and the HVAC systems. I didn’t forget about you, I just… got caught up in other things. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. It’s a bit of a bummer, I made your favorite,” you sigh playfully, hoping to lighten the mood, “I’ll just have to eat it all.”

Your teasing has the opposite effect. Her heart drops knowing you must have been cooking for a couple hours in anticipation of her visit. The scroll of missed opportunities she keeps locked in a corner of her mind grows longer and the longing in her chest expands to her fingertips. 

“You… made my favorite dish? I didn’t deserve that.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I wanted to surprise you.”

Himeko rubs at her eye with a weary sigh in an attempt to partially conceal her mournful expression before she has the chance to shift it into something less melancholic. A taunting voice, her voice, whispers in her ear that your efforts are wasted on her, that they’ll forever be wasted on her because she can never be away from the Express for too long. You’re at home, staring at the heavens, waiting for her to land and she breathes easier among the stars. You deserve to live your life without your head constantly in the clouds. She’s holding you back, the voice rings inside her head like multiple murmurs on top of each other, she’s stringing you along despite the weight of circumstance dragging you both down. 

“Hey,” you say softly, noticing the far-away look in her eyes and the quiver in her brow. “We can set up another time to meet. When are you free?”

She wishes she had a definite answer. Pom-Pom is currently reworking their timetable to ensure the Astral Express doesn’t run out of fuel and in the meantime, there’s no guarantee that she’ll be able to see you. Still, she can’t bring herself to tell you the harsh news so she softens the blow to give you some hope.

“I’m not sure… Hopefully next weekend?”

You try hard to keep your face from falling, she can tell, your expressiveness is one of the things she adores most about you. Tonight, it only hurts.

“I’m out of town, it’s my parents’ anniversary, remember?”

“Right.”

The following pause in the conversation is tense with the unsaid, what you both know to be true yet refuse to vocalize; it’s getting harder to make time for each other due to the drastically different, busy lives you’re living. The voice in her head gets louder. It turns into an insistent ruckus fiercely protective of you meant to preserve your wellness even at the cost of her heartbreak. You deserve someone who will take the time to celebrate your accomplishments, who will share the most intimate part of your life with you, and she… Himeko can’t simultaneously be that person and a Nameless. She wants to be there, her body yearns for your proximity to confess all the things she can’t find the words for, but she would have to sacrifice a piece of her identity for that consistency, something she can’t bring herself to do. Her love for you shouldn’t hurt this much. It’s unfair, how her affection is the source of your pain. How much longer can she lie to herself and pretend that having you this way is better than not having you at all? How much longer can she stand the defeat in your eyes?

“...I miss you.” It’s a pitiful sound, helpless and small. She wills herself to be strong against the sad smile you respond with.

“I miss you too. But we’re both where we want to be, right? You get to blaze a trail every day and I make a difference here.” You speak the truth, and yet it doesn’t soothe the tightness of her throat. 

“It doesn’t make it easier, does it?”

“...No. It doesn’t.”

Himeko knows what she has to do. Your smile falters, the following silence weighs on her bones, and she comes to a conclusion long overdue. A quiver runs through her fingers and she has to keep them out of the frame so you can’t see her growing distress. She takes a slow breath, blinks her unshed tears away and forces the words out of her mouth.

“What if… What if we—”

“Don’t say that,’ you interrupt her readily, firmly, furrowed brows worsening her guilt. 

“Why not?”

“Because you can’t take it back.”

She knows that, too. Even so, it was always going to end like this. Himeko feels like she’s falling apart, flayed layer by layer until she sits painstakingly raw in front of you. A screen and millions of miles separate you from her, burning her desires to hold you tight and bask in your comfort to ashes. She is reduced to heartbreak and guilt and yearning, she is an amalgamation of emotions impossible to contain in a human body; her hands shake, her next exhale is wobbly but she can’t bear to look away from you and your sorrow. It’s her fault, it was her pursuit of you that doomed you to where you are now. She was so intrigued by your determination and selflessness, your aching need to create a better life for you and everyone around you despite the corruption of the Stellaron plaguing your planet. Your attention was intoxicating and gave her the same feeling as watching the stars breeze past from one of the Express’ panoramic windows. It hurts now, but she could never regret knowing you. 

“What if it’s the right thing to do?” Himeko asks weakly. Her eyes flicker all over your face as if etching the image of you into her mind. 

“How can this feel right?”

“...Because I love you.”

She loves you and she can’t withstand being the cause of your pain. She can’t string you along knowing she can never give you the companionship you’re worthy of. She can’t keep holding you back from fully enjoying the life you’ve built for yourself. What she can do is spare you months of disappointment. 

You swallow thickly. “And ending things will make it better?”

“I don’t know, but it’s better than… than this.”

She’s not expressing herself properly, her emotions cloud her mind and she finds it difficult to choose the right words to convince you that this is the best decision for both of you. 

“How?”

“Because it’ll hurt less.”

Her eyes shut briefly at your stunned silence and her head tilts away from the screen so you can't see how much this is affecting her.  

“It’ll hurt less than being with me, you mean.” 

It’s not a question, so she doesn’t reply. She wants to say she’s doing this for you, to save you the agony of waiting around for her, but she doesn’t trust her voice to stay steady. Her fingers grip the edge of her desk to keep her grounded. She hears a shuddering breath coming from the other line. 

“Are you breaking up with me, Himeko?” 

Your words announce the point of no return. If she doesn’t do this now, she’ll never find the strength to bring it up again. 

She looks at you, and her reply comes out a choked whisper, “Yes.”

The train’s engine is loud in her ears to fill in the quiet between you. You nod absentmindedly, slowly, as you compute her answer. Your eyes don’t settle on the device in your hand, avoiding her mournful gaze, and the camera shakes a little when you straighten up on the couch. The air is heavy around her, it seems to weigh on her like gravity, and her pulse drums in her head like a haunting tune. Your lips purse to control the quiver in them. 

“...I’m sorry,” she says uselessly.

“I have to… I have to wake up early tomorrow,” you don’t want to look at her a moment more and despite how much that hurts, she can’t find it in herself to blame you. She can’t stand herself either. “Um… Goodnight.”

The call ends before she has a chance to speak. Himeko is left staring at the dark screen, tears blurring her vision at the edges, and without the need to appear fine in front of you, she crumbles. A quiet, choked sound escapes her and she slaps a hand over her mouth to muffle the pitiful sobs that start racking through her body. She spends a lifetime hunched over her desk, forehead resting on its cold surface, crying over the loss of you. Memories of moments shared with you— your sunny smiles and melodious laughter, your sleepy voice over the phone, her adoring palms on your full cheeks— every wishful happy ending that she wanted for you torments her mind. She’s drowning in an ocean of her own making. Regret accompanies her guilt and self-loathing, and she starts telling herself that perhaps she should have fought harder to keep you. She should have sacrificed more, she should have stopped herself from uttering words she can’t erase, she should have… 

A week passes so slowly that it feels like she’s been in this state for a decade. The Astral Express crew have all noticed the changes in Himeko’s mood, her prolonged quiet and red-rimmed eyes, but they’re used to her comfort and don’t know how to ease her mind. They try, clumsily, and she appreciates their efforts even if they amount to nothing. She would turn to you for these sorts of things, now she has no one to tell about how she lost you. Her thoughts circle back to you, she wonders what you’re doing when she wakes up, if you’re mourning her like she is you, if your softness has been replaced by hatred or worse— indifference. She goes through the motions because she has to, as the navigator of the Express she can’t afford a week of feeling sorry for herself when so many things require maintenance regularly. All of it is second nature. Her mind wanders to the tremble of your lips while she goes through her checklist. She blinks tears away as she discusses the conductor’s timetable with them. At night, she stares at her phone and fights the urge to press the call button under your contact name. 

Himeko finds herself in the Express parlor on a night she should have gone to bed early. The universe beyond its big windows no longer offers the same comfort it used to and she sits on one of the large couches, huddled in on herself. A half-empty bottle of wine stands on the floor next to her frame. The warmth in her chest and the fog of mind dull her heartbreak to a tolerable ache, tears are drying on her flushed cheeks and her sniffles are fewer than a half hour earlier. The bright phone screen light hurts her tired eyes but she can’t look away from the last video you sent her of you showing your look before leaving the house for that event you once mentioned to her. In her state, she can’t remember the details. Her stare is on the little twirl you make, the white smile you direct at the camera and the movement of your lips as you ramble about your hopes for the night. The clip plays over and over, it has been in a loop since she started drinking. The train car is quiet, there’s only your excitement livening up the place. She stops hearing most of your words at one point, lost in your features and the way you address her so affectionately. 

The desire to call you simmers inside of her like the alcohol she ingested and makes her fingertips twitch. You’re speaking to her in the video, but it’s not enough. It’s not truly you, just a captured moment of a time she hadn’t broken your heart. She wants to hear the real you, to ease the worry that you hate her now even if she can’t fault you for it. Her muddled mind replays the same thought like an annoying chorus and she sluggishly picks up the bottle on the ground to bring it to her lips. All she feels is a little warmer and a little more numb. She wants you. She wants your arms around her, your murmurs close to her ear. The last time she’s held you dates to around two months ago, maybe, she can’t be sure. Her thoughts are a blur. 

Himeko stares unblinkingly at her screen and doesn’t register that her thumb has navigated to your contact and pressed the call button until the line rings. She puts the phone to her ear with apprehension, heart thundering, and holds her breath. The call goes to voicemail. The defeat that crashes over her almost nullifies the effect of the wine, she sucks her lip into her mouth before calling again. And again, and again, and each time she’s met with the same automated message of you asking to leave a voicemail. Her throat tightens. She feels fresh tears prick at the corner of her eyes. She knows she has no right to expect an answer from you after what she’s done but her distress grows with every call she makes. She just wants to hear you, that loving undertone in your voice when you’re speaking to her like she’s special and cherished. She doesn’t count the number of times she’s pressed the redial button and she doesn’t stop to think off how pathetic she must seem, desperate to hear from someone who wants nothing to do with her. 

The call connects when she least expects it. 

“Himeko?” Your groggy voice answers the phone, leaving her quiet. “Is something wrong?”

Part of her can’t believe you picked up, the other cringes as it realizes that you were asleep. She doesn’t move the phone away from her ear to check the time, she’s frozen in place with her fingers clutching the device. Her mouth opens and closes while she figures out what to say, and the longer she takes the more awkward the silence becomes. Her reply comes out slightly garbled, like she’s biting back her tears, and at first all she manages is your name.

“You… Y-You picked up,” she finally says, swallowing hard to keep her voice from breaking.

“Is something wrong?”

Her eyes squeeze shut. She’s so relieved to hear you again, but the fatigue lacing your words breeds a familiar sense of guilt that washes over her in an instant. She’s woken you up with her insistent calls and your first thought is to worry about her. On one hand, it means you must not despise her as much as her mind has made it seem like. On the other, she’s ripped you from needed sleep and she doesn’t even know what to tell you. She’s wasting your time and if you still felt anything for her prior to now, you surely won’t after that. 

Himeko wills her pulse to slow down enough for her to focus. The wine went to her head thirty minutes ago, and it’s making her hazy. She lets out a shaky exhale, taking a moment to steady her breathing before she answers quietly.

“I miss you.”

“...You called for that?”

She can’t help but flinch at how tired you sound, a hint of annoyance in your tone. She deserves it, she tells herself. It’s the middle of the night and she’s calling you to whine about how she misses you, however true that may be, it’s ridiculous and unfair. Her fingers grip the device tighter, her bottom lips trembles, and she tries to think of a response that won’t irritate you further. 

“No. I mean, yes? I just… I missed you.” She gets progressively quieter as she speaks, eyes shut tight in apprehension. The alcohol slurs her reply slightly and slows her delivery. 

“You don’t get to do this, to call me eight times in the middle of the night after you ended things just to say that you miss me.”

“I know… I’m sorry. I-I shouldn’t have called you…” Regret fills her lungs and tightens her throat. She wraps an arm around her knees and curls in further into herself. “Are you mad at me?”

“...Are you drunk?”

Himeko pauses longer than a sober person would. “Yes…” She says shamefully. “I’m sorry.”

“Drink some water and go to bed.”

It feels like you’re shutting her out, refusing to speak to her when all she wanted was to hear your voice. Her heart sinks and she tightens her hold around her knees. She barely manages a response after a bit of hesitation. 

“Okay. I will… I just— missed you and it was stupid to think…” She can’t string a coherent sentence together, her thoughts are jumbled because of how little she’s been sleeping lately and the alcohol she’s been sipping on for the past hour. She also has no idea what to say. Her tongue feels heavy in her mouth and betrays her by spilling unfiltered sentiments. “I can’t stop thinking about you and it’s making me miserable.”

She’s only ever felt this bad after talking to you when she broke up with you over the phone. It’s obvious you don’t want to hear her drunken blabbering  and she feels like a fool, holding back tears as she listens to you breathe on the oher end of the line. She just needs something from you, anything that might provide her some comfort even though she knows she doesn’t deserve it. 

“Do you want to hurt me?”

“Huh?” It takes a minute to understand you. She bites back a sniffle, almost certain you’re about to end the call. You would have every reason to. In a moment of drunken confusion, Himeko forgets herself and blurts out,  “N-No, of course not, I wouldn’t… I love you.” She’s forgotten she can’t say that anymore, and Himeko is left breathless and horrified at the realization. 

The line is silent. She can’t hear your breaths from how loud her heart beats in her ears. Her body tenses, the grip on her phone turns white-knuckled and she doesn’t dare speak another word until you do. 

“...You’re the one who broke up with me. Now you miss me? You love me? Seriously?”

“I do miss you. I thought… I thought I was doing the right thing, that it would be better for both of us because you get so sad and it breaks my heart to know that I’m to blame.”

“You don’t get to decide what's good for me. Do you have any idea how I’ve been feeling? It sounds like you did it for you, not for me.”

“No, I…”

“Get some sleep. Goodnight, Himeko.”

Himeko’s body jolts upon hearing your reply, her eyes snap open and she sits up a bit on the couch. There’s more she wants to say to you, but you hung up the phone before she could even call out. She wants to say that it’s not true, she did have your wellness in mind when making that decision. She’s left sitting there, the quiet around her almost deafening. She stares into space as she slowly lowers the phone from her ear. 

After a few more minutes of sitting in her sorrow, Himeko finally heaves a sigh of defeat. She can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. She sets the phone down on the couch, the urge to throw it across the room almost unbearable. She can still hear your words ringing in her ears as she buries her head in her hands, her fingers digging into her hair, and she desperately tries to hold her emotions from spilling out of her in undignified, strangled noises. Her throat feels like it wants to close in on itself while her chest heaves with the effort it takes not to break down in the middle of the parlor. She needs you. She feels so empty without you, and it’s her fault. She thought she was sparing you unnecessary pain and that you would eventually be better off without someone like her, who you can’t see or talk to consistently. She believed that being apart from you would hurt less than having to sit behind a screen and watch you for hours, longing eroding her bones. She was wrong, and the longer Himeko sits there, the more she’s convinced of it. The arguments she’s made up in her mind to justify her decision feel meaningless. She can only feel the weight of your absence as warm tears stream down her cheeks.

The next day, Himeko reminds herself of the path she follows. The spirit of the Trailblaze lies within her, she’s a Nameless and that means she fights to the end no matter the outcome. Three days after that, there’s a knock on your door.

You’re staring up at the ceiling of your bedroom one evening, letting the comforting patter of the rain against your window panes soothe the melancholy of your heart. The breeze is also welcome, you almost doze off against the pillows, eyelids heavy, when a firm fist knocks on your front door. You hear it through the rain, and a frown tugs at your lips. You’re not expecting anyone in this weather and frankly, you’d rather be alone. You consider ignoring it, hoping whoever is vying for your attention gets discouraged and leaves. After a minute, three strong knocks sound from behind the door again. You leave your bed with an irritated sigh. You stride towards the entrance of your apartment, unlock the door and sharply twist the handle to reveal your visitor. 

Himeko’s soaked figure stands on the porch. The rain darkens her long hair and seeps into her thin clothes, strands of red sticks to her forehead and her coat uselessly hangs around her shoulders, drenched like the rest of her. Water streams down her face but her eyes are clear as they look up at you, wide with nerves and determination. Her body trembles with a cold shiver. Her lips part in fleeting surprise like she wasn’t expecting you to answer the door. She’s been rehearsing what to say to you in her head on her way to your place, making sure she would leave having said everything she meant to tell you. However, now that she’s standing in front of you in the flesh after so long, the words melt on her tongue and all Himeko can do is utter a single word.

“Hi.”

“Himeko…?” You blink at the sight of her like she’s an apparition meant to mock you. “What are you…”

“Before you say anything, please, let me start,” she swallows once and stands a little straighter, head high. Confessions that have been sitting on her chest for what feels like an eternity come tumbling out of her lips. “I was a coward. I gave up on us when times were toughest and let my insecurities make up reasons for it to justify the fact that I was scared. I was scared you would realize that I don’t deserve you and that you’re better off with a woman who can actually be present in your life. I still believe you’re worthy of that but it was wrong to end our relationship over the phone with no proper discussion, and it was worse to call you afterwards while I’d been drinking. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t want to be without you, no matter what form our relationship takes. I feel you under my skin like the muscles that make my heart beat. Knowing you is part of what makes me happy, it’s as much a part of me as the Trailblaze, and without you, I’m incomplete. Whether that means anything to you now, I… I love you. I’m in love with you. You don’t have to take me back, but I needed you to hear it.”

You stare at her in disbelief. She has to blink the water out of her eyes as she speaks but her voice never wavers, her conviction shines through the pouring rain and sends your pulse into a frenzy. Himeko’s bare shoulders shake with the cold and she gazes at you with a heaving chest while her words settle in the air. At this distance, her fingertips ache to reach out for your touch. She stands in front of you, and she suddenly forgets how you feel under her palms; the texture of your hair between her fingers, the curve of your back, the plane of your stomach. She longs to experience it all. 

It feels like a lifetime before your body decides to obey your mind again. Your heart swells, your lungs fill with air, and you do the only sensible thing you can do. Stepping into the downpour, your palms cup her frozen, rosy cheeks and pull her close. Your lips press into hers with a desperation you didn’t know you were capable of, melding with the softness of her mouth in a passionate kiss. You immediately feel her cold arms around your waist and her wet lips reciprocate your affection. Himeko holds you flush against her as she kisses you with equal emotion, gripping your clothes like she can’t bear the thought of being apart a moment longer. Under the heavy rainfall, you’re as drenched as she is in half a minute. Her breath mingles with yours, your senses become attuned only to her loving mouth and soaked chest pressed to your own. You don’t feel the cold. The water turns your kisses slippery, your lips slide together like you’ve been kissing her your entire life, and Himeko makes a breathy sound into your mouth. In the next instant, her hands are wandering up your back and down your sides, pulling you impossibly close to her body until you’re two pieces of a whole that will never be broken. Her touch spills confessions she will repeat over and over.

Your pace slows to gentle kisses on each other’s lips, foreheads resting together as you catch your breath. Your clothes cling uncomfortably to your skin and a shiver runs through you from the temperature, but your chest warms at the way Himeko’s nose nuzzles against yours. 

“You’ve always been worth the distance, Hime. How could you not be?”

“I’ll find a way to be with you more often. I promise.”

She seals that promise with a revering kiss wet with the heavens’ tears.

[lionheartedmusings]

as the pieces start to slot together (and i mean... barely, we have like two corners) it's becoming to me more and more apparent that everything we're seeing from q!bad is nothing more than a very elaborate game of chess that he's forced everyone into, and i have thoughts, especially regarding two things he said to q!bagi yesterday that really, really stood out... and something he hasn't said that speaks volumes.

let me preface by saying that q!bad is a liar, a gaslighter, the man is built on lies and deflection — he almost always tells you the truth sandwiched between two lies and leaves you to wonder what the fuck just happened. he's slippery, he's deceitful, and he doesn't make the error of thinking he's the smartest person in the room all the while knowing full well he can pull all the strings he needs mostly undetected.

q!bad is also not someone who measures his love by how much he trusts people — those two things are separate to him to an extent, he can love you with his whole everything and not trust you. the only people he trusts are the eggs — i'd go as far as to say he doesn't even trust skeppy fully. take q!etoiles for example! someone who's always been on q!bad's corner but who he told to his face he can't trust fully because he's too powerful.

his trust issues run so deep that he doesn't even trust himself. he expressed that during the presidential election arc, and he's questioned if he's the one helping the feds subconsciously — q!bad hasn't cleared himself out of his own suspect list, and i need people to understand that.

q!bad is paranoid and cautious and every move he makes is weighed against the cost of making it, and how that could cause security and safety issues. it's exhausting, by the way, and i will go into heavy detail about that at a later date — how much it weighs on him to always think of the worst and prepare and anticipate and fight to prevent it.

still, it's... pretty apparent when q!bad is telling the truth if you know him enough — he does it when he doesn't say enough. if he's being cryptic, if his voice drops and he seems blaze about something unimportant... he's telling you a lot more than he's letting on, and he's hoping you'll catch on. i find it fascinating that he chose to do that with q!bagi yesterday.

"my only goals are to find my kids and to leave the island" is such a rich morsel of where q!bad is going with this? we know he's sussing out someone who is knowingly or unknowingly working with the federation, but i don't think that's all — i think he knows very well what he plans to do when he finds that person, and also knows how he plans on using that info to get everyone out safely.

he also blatantly (in q!bad speech) told q!bagi that everything he's doing, he's doing for a reason and that that reason is ultimately a positive end goal for everyone. he was telling her that he's got a purpose, he's not crazy or erratic on a whim — he's calculated. i don't know if he chose q!bagi because he knew she wouldn't get it but he hoped she'd find it curious, or if he just needed to talk at someone, but it really stood out to me.

the second thing that stood out was his surprise that q!bagi had even trusted him before, and that knowing that was the highlight of his day.

now, i genuinely don't think q!bad measures his love / care in terms of how much he trusts other people, but he measures his own worth in how much he's trusted, relied on, and how much he can do for others. for him to blatantly admit how that little admission of trust even if it's gone now means so much to him? my man's struggling big time (we knew that already) but enough that he's vocalizing it.

but really can we be surprised? i've talked about how i didn't feel like q!bad was sorry for kidnapping / torturing ron and i've let him cook and changed my mind on the subject... kind of.

i think q!bad is remorseful and sorry for what he's having to do, more than of what he's doing. he's sorry he's having to go to this length, he spoke candidly about how much he hated hurting his friends and how he wasn't sure how many more he'd have to hurt in the process, he hates that for his plan to succeed (and everything is always "going according to plan") he has to do these things. he wishes he didn't have to.

he's not sorry for what he's doing, but he is. he's sorry he's hurting people, but he's not sorry that his plan has to be seen through — he's working towards the big picture, and he can't stop now. he knew what he was getting into, and there's no jumping ship now. he decided to burn himself and his bridges for the benefit of his children and his family (and q!bad's family is much more extensive than he lets on) and it's his cross to bear now.

he also doesn't trust himself, like i said before.

here's the thing about q!bad — he will talk in circles, alone, for hours. he'll run scenarios over and over in his head, ruminate, theorize and discard possibilities to exhaustion... it's the things he says once and doesn't mention again that are scary, because he locks them down in his head where it's safe.

he's noticed the federation is incredibly lenient with him — he said it offhandedly once, alone, he said "chat, have you noticed that all they ever give me is a slap on the wrist" — he knows. he knows something's up, he knows something's wrong with that picture.

he doesn't trust himself. he'll get to the bottom of this whole thing if it kills him, and by god if he has to be the most hated man on this island by the end of it... so be it. it's a small sacrifice to make for the children that he loves, and for their many families that he considers friends.

never forget that q!bad is, above all else, the man who lives in service of others... it's just that sometimes, that service isn't items and help and safety.

we also need to acknowledge that what q!bad is doing is most likely a direct parallel to what q!cellbit did with the regret arc but i don't think people are ready for that conversation yet

[divine-knight-hand]

A Show of Temptation

Loki Masterlist || Full Masterlist || Read on AO3

Pairing: Loki Laufeyson x Female Reader

Summary: The show must go on! …But who will be the first to break in your and Loki’s game of temptation?

Content Warnings: Teasing, elements of exhibitionism, hints of jealous!Loki, dom!Loki, sub!reader, mirror sex, praise, degradation (use of the word “whore”), a touch of dacryphilia, and a little aftercare (<3).

Notes: Everybody send lots of birthday (month) love and wishes to the love of my life, @fandxmslxt69! Do it, neowwww!!!! (This is her gift, after all~) 🥳💕🎁

I've turned this little fic idea around and around in my head ever since we had this interaction, which was almost a year ago but feels like yesterday. (And, of course, none of this could have happened without the amazing and talented original artist, @grrrenadine!)

Also, I didn’t realize until I was almost done writing this, but some parts of this piece lowkey (Hehe! Get it?) remind me of Lesson Not Learnt. So, I guess this is a tribute as well as a gift. 😅

Word Count: 4,151

Dividers by @saradika

“The supernatural hour is at hand!” A disembodied voice boomed throughout the theater. “Please take your seats, and prepare to be amazed by the mischievous man of mystery, Loki, and his breathtaking assistant in magnificence, Y/N!”

That was our cue. Loki and I pushed through a set of curtains, arms interlocked as we strode to center stage.

With a wave of his free arm, he silenced the roaring cheers of the crowd in front of us. Before he even began to speak, everything about him commanded attention from the audience. Even offstage, he carried himself with a confidence that bordered on arrogance, but he always had the intelligence and skillfulness to hold weight to it.

Tonight, he stood beside me in a sleek, neatly tailored black suit, paired with a green silk tie around his neck, which served as his outfit’s pop of color. My eyes continued to trail up his body, following the collar of his shirt before reaching the sharp cheekbones just below his piercing gaze. I used to think that he could see straight through me. He was so generally intuitive that I figured, in a way, he could.

On the other hand, my revealing costume didn’t help me retain any sense of mystery. I wore an emerald green sequined bodysuit with equally green elbow-length satin gloves. The only thing left to cover my legs was a pair of translucent tights. The costume left very little of my body to the imagination.

Every time I stepped onstage with Loki, I felt vulnerable, but I also felt safe. Had we not sold out every show we put on, I would have even found the experience intimate. As I worked with him onstage, he made me feel that was where I deserved to be, and with each show we put on together, I quickly managed to grow a confidence of my own.

Finally, after another moment of silent anticipation, Loki spoke, not even needing to raise his voice as the audience eagerly ate up his usual pre-show spiel. “Good evening to each and every one of you. Welcome to, not a show, but an experience of magic and mischief.” His eyes sparkled, holding promise for tonight’s show. Magic and mischief, indeed. “Tonight, with the help of my beautiful assistant, I will make you see and feel things that will leave you questioning the very world around you…”

I knew his introduction by heart at this point, so I allowed my thoughts to drift into more dangerous territory, mentally undressing the man I had interlocked arms with as the softness of his voice filled my ears, but the words stopped finding my consciousness.

I imagined that same voice talking me through it as he slowly thrusted in and out of me, our fingers interlocked as he held my hand. His soft hair would fall around our faces as the emerald green glow of his eyes in the low light would trail along my body, appraising me as he flattered me with sweet nothings and praise that seemed to roll off of his tongue with ease. How skilled he was with that silver tongue…

“Darling,” Loki’s sudden shift in tone snapped me out of my trance. “I believe I just asked you to grab the props for our first trick.”

“Oh!” I felt my cheeks grow warm as I rushed offstage, towards a small table that had a black top hat set atop it. The audience laughed at my absent-mindedness, adding to my embarrassment.

As my hands grabbed the corners of the velvet tablecloth, a naughty idea bloomed in my mind. The show was already off to a bit of a shaky start, on account of my excessive daydreaming, so I thought I’d made it up to Loki. I figured it was a good thing our nighttime shows only allowed adult audience members. After all, tonight was a good night for a little teasing.

I couldn’t help the smirk that curved at the corners of my lips as I wheeled the table over, making sure to sway my hips with each step. Sparks ignited under my skin as Loki’s eyes trailed over my body, his gaze seeming to caress each curve, dip, and contour my suit clung to.

“Here you go, my love~” I set the table right in front of him.

“Thank you, darling.” His tongue darted out to wet his lips as I rested my hand on his shoulder. 

Then, I scurried offstage to prepare my- I mean- his next trick.

As he amazed the audience by summoning the illusion of a rabbit to pull out of the hat on the table, I gathered the props for our cup-and-ball trick.

Once the gasps and and awed chatter from the audience died down, I wheeled over the next small table. Arriving in front of Loki, I spun myself around and kicked the previous table with the back of my heel, sending it wheeling backstage. Someone in the audience whistled, setting off a chain of scattered catcalls.

“Putting on a show tonight, are we?” He purred into my ear as his hands slid around my waist, guiding me in front of where he stood.

“Of course,” I whispered back, “Isn’t that what we’re here for?”

“You clever minx… Two can play at that game…” I felt his chest shake against my back with soft laughter before he spoke loud enough for the audience to hear again. “In front of us are three cups, but only one red rubber ball. Care to assist me in mixing them up, my dear?”

“Gladly,” I trapped the ball under the middle cup before shuffling them with practiced ease.

Though my movements looked sporadic and careless, I actually moved with rapid precision, my eyes never leaving the cup with the ball under it. All the while, I felt Loki’s hands trail along my costumed hips, and I was overly aware of his breath at my ear as he softly gripped my thighs.

I bit my bottom lip to stifle the moan that threatened to escape me as I was struck with a pang of desire. Damnit! He was too good at this. I had to be better.

Feeling myself fill with a playfully competitive spirit, I dropped my hands from the cup, tapping the back of Loki’s leg three times to signal that the ball was under the cup to the left. But, instead of dropping my hand right after, I kept it there, using my grip on it to pull myself closer to him.

“Now that the cups have been shuffled, I will reveal which one the ball remains under.” He announced.

In reality, he’d already used his seidr to make the ball appear invisible, so the audience would believe that it had completely disappeared.

His deft hands went to work lifting each cup with dramatic flair. “Nothing under cup number one… nor under cup number two… and- Hah-” Loki cleared his throat to hide the moan I elicited from him once I began slowly grinding back against his crotch.

A satisfied smirk spread across my face as I felt a faint twitch from behind me.

Loki finally recovered before lifting the last cup, revealing nothing. The crowd gasped in awe before erupting into applause.

Loki’s hands found their way back to my hips before he murmured by my ear. “You sneaky thing. That’s hardly fair…”

I softly giggled, reaching up to caress his face. “I don’t remember us making any rules.”

The applause began to die down, and for a moment, I could have sworn that I saw a glint of pride in Loki’s eyes.

“Enough with the party tricks.” He let me go, and I immediately missed the feeling of his hands on my body. “Now’s the time to truly astound our audience.”

“With pleasure~” I purred as I strutted backstage.

I wheeled over a longer table with an openable wooden box attached to its top.

“Allow me.” Loki took me in his arms, hooking one under my legs to rest me within the open box. Only my head and legs were left peeking out.

He then secured the latches on the box, locking me inside. “Comfortable?”

“Ye-” I gasped as I felt his touch slide up my leg–that which he could reach–and it was enough for me to feel a fluttering between my thighs. “Yes…”

Damnit! Of course he’d take the opportunity to tease me while I was locked up. Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

“I’m sure this next trick needs no explanation.” He announced as he raised a handsaw in the air. “Though, I must assure you, my dear assistant will escape this one unscathed.” He positioned the saw over the middle of the box and winked down at me. “Ready, darling?”

“Ready, my love~” My eyes were glued to the saw.

I wasn’t nervous. This next trick was purely illusion. The saw wasn’t even real. That was why I had to watch it carefully. I had to be able to see how close it was to me, because once it neared where my body was…

“Mmmm…” I rolled my eyes and tilted my head back as the illusion of the saw passed through me.

The audience got a kick out of my feigned ecstasy, erupting into laughter. Meanwhile, I opened my eyes just in time to see Loki’s lip twitch. He was completely unreadable.

Finally, a smirk broke across his face, and he tossed the saw offstage. It disappeared behind the curtains in a burst of green before he began to work the locks on my box.

“It would seem my assistant is more interested in being a little temptress tonight.” He helped me down from the table before effortlessly sending it wheeling backstage.

This was weird. He’d never stopped mid-trick before. What was he planning?

“Stay put, if you will, darling.” He booped my nose. “I’ll fetch this next one.”

He walked offstage, and I mentally panicked. Had I gone too far?

Loki returned with a tall box. He brought it over to me and opened the door.

“There we are.” He then approached me and guided me in by my hips. “Since you’ve been so keen on distracting us tonight, how about we make you disappear for the time being?”

The audience gasped in wonder as he positioned me inside the box, and he leaned in to growl by my ear. “I can’t imagine you being a little tease for this one.”

With that, he shut me inside, plummeting me into complete darkness. That was when I knew I hadn’t gone too far. In fact, I hadn’t gone far enough. As soon as I heard the clinking of a lock, a smirk spread across my face. He was testing me. Challenge accepted…

This trick fully depended on me. As Loki gave his spiel to buy me time, I was supposed to slip behind the fake back of the box, hidden from the audience’s view once he opened the door.

But, how could I resist using the quick-change skills that he and I learned for our past shows in Vegas? So, I got to work in the dark, being careful not to hit the walls and tip off Loki–or worse, the audience–as to what I was doing.

Satisfied with my work, I leaned against one side of the box, crossing one leg over the other as I rested my free hand on my hip.

“And with that…” Loki threw the box open. “She’s- Oh, Norns!”

The audience gasped in shock. There I stood, in nothing but the lacy green underwear I wore under my bodysuit. There were whoops and whistles from the crowd, and once my eyes found Loki’s, I licked my lips.

He was utterly frozen. I’d never seen him in such a state of shock. Had I actually managed to catch him off guard? His wide eyes dipped up and down my body, unsure of where to focus.

He finally seemed to come back to his senses–Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard–before slamming the door back shut. “And it looks like that’s all we have for our show tonight! Thank you for coming, and we hope you had a magnificent time.”

I heard the roaring cheers of the audience begin as the box started to move. Then, they started to slowly fade just before dying out entirely.

It was only after a moment of silence that Loki spoke. “Don’t bother putting your costume back on.” His voice sounded close, as if he was right by my ear. “You won’t be needing that for what I’ll be doing with you.”

My pulse started to thrum in my ears as I awaited my fate with nervous, yet eager, anticipation. Suddenly, the door flew open, and I was whisked into another room while my eyes were still adjusting to the light.

My back hit a wall, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to knock the wind out of me as Loki pinned me against it. He only needed one hand to hold my wrists above my head, the other gripped the bare skin of my hip.

“What was that?” He breathed, his face inches from mine. “Hm? What was that stunt you pulled out there?”

“I- I-” I stammered, at a loss for words.

“What’s the matter?” He cooed. “Suddenly feeling shy? You certainly weren’t just a few moments ago.”

“I- I didn’t mean anything by it.” I gulped. “I just wanted to-”

“To what?” Loki growled. “To parade yourself in front of an audience like a common whore?”

“I-”

“I don’t remember saying I was finished speaking.”

I shut my mouth, embarrassment flooding my cheeks.

“So, what?” He went on. “You risk ruining our show just to show off your body to our paying viewers? Hm? To take us from a magic show to a peep show?” When I didn’t immediately respond, he barked, “Answer me.”

“N- no…” My voice came out small. Pathetic, even.

“Then, what?” Loki spat.

“I just wanted you.” Was I whining? I wasn’t sure. My heart was pounding too loud in my ears for me to hear myself clearly.

I noticed a small smirk twitch at his lip before he managed to hide it. “You did this to get my attention?”

“Yes.” I squeaked.

His expression softened, but his grip on my wrists and waist tightened. “Oh, my darling pet,” His tongue darted over his lips as he appraised me. “You do realize that all you need to do to have me is ask, yes?”

“I’m sorry.” And I was. I didn’t mean to take my antics too far.

“What’s done is done.” He softly chuckled. “And besides,” He moved one of my hands to the crotch of his pants. “Your little performance worked.”

My eyes widened at the feel of his hard cock pressing against the fabric of his trousers. I almost felt weak in the knees as I was hit with a strong pang of desire.

“However,” My eyes snapped back up to meet his when he continued. “Now that you have my attention, it would do you well to prepare for the consequences of that.”

“I’m ready.” I breathed. “I don’t care how. I just want you.”

He suddenly spun me around, my back against his chest as he turned us to face a nearby vanity. It was then that I realized we were in his dressing room.

“My darling pet,” He purred by my ear as one of his hands slid along my skin to cup my breast. “You have no idea what you’ve just asked for.”

I shuddered as his other hand moved from my hip to the hem of my panties. “Please…”

“Please, what?” He murmured as his lips neared my neck.

“Please- Ah-” My legs quivered as his hand dipped into my panties to tease fingers between my folds.

“Gods,” He panted between kisses on my neck. “Already so wet for me,”

“Hah… Loki…” I moaned, lightly bucking my hips in a desperate attempt to get more friction. “Please…”

“Still wanting more?” He gently chided. “You’re needy tonight.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but another moan tumbled from my lips as Loki’s passionate kisses quickly shifted to possessive bites.

An animalistic growl escaped his throat as he began to slowly grind against me from behind. “The things you do to me, girl… I have no more patience to summon.” He paused his movements to walk me towards his vanity. “I have to have you… Now.”

I whimpered as he pulled his hand away from my panties before he quickly bent me over. Letting out a yelp of surprise, I threw my hands in front of me to catch myself on the desk.

My eyes found the mirror in front of me and locked onto Loki’s reflection. His face was flushed, a sheen of sweat collecting on his brow. He appraised me with wild eyes, and took a moment to loosen his tie as he swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing before his chest continued rising and falling with his heavy breathing.

He deftly hooked a finger into my panties before effortlessly ripping them off and tossing them into a tattered heap on the ground. Then, he tore my bra off of me in the same fashion.

I licked my lips in anticipation as I felt the soft touch of his hand against the curve of my ass.

He softly rubbed it before giving it a squeeze. “Mmm, glorious…”

I felt him let go before the clinking of him undoing his belt filled the silence between us, sending a jolt of excitement into the pit of my stomach.

Finally, the clinking stopped, and I bit my lip as electricity crackled underneath my fingertips. I saw his arm in the motion of slowly stroking himself as he lined up with my entrance.

“Oh, darling…” He murmured as he ran a hand down my spine. “Take a deep breath for me.”

Take a deep breath? Confused, I did as he asked just before he pushed in with a single thrust, quickly filling me up as he bottomed out.

I cried out, my nails scratching the wood of the vanity as I scrambled to grip something. Anything.

I’d just barely adjusted before he gripped my hips and set a brutal pace, sliding almost fully out of me before slamming back in.

“Ah-” I squeezed my eyes shut as I was dizzy with pleasure. Loki was all I could feel, and all I could hear.

His primal grunts reached my ears as I slowly made sense of his praise. “That’s it… Mmh… You’re taking me so well… Ah- G- Gods- You look so perfect around my cock…”

“Loki…” I groaned as my back arched.

“Yes,” He panted. “Don’t forget who’s filling you up like this… Hah… Who’s making you feel this good… Mmh…”

My nails etched grooves into the wood of his vanity as he managed to keep up his merciless rhythm.

“You wanted this?” He grunted. “You wanted me to fuck you into submission? Mmh… To use you like a little cockslut? Ah- Like my little cockslut?”

I was so overwhelmed with ecstasy, I almost didn’t notice the tears beginning to stream down my face. Was I wearing makeup? My reflection was too blurry for me to see.

“Oh, Norns…” Loki groaned. “You look so perfect- Mmh- when you’re overcome with pleasure… Hah… So divine… Ngh… when you cry for me…”

The switch between praise and degradation nearly gave me whiplash. I couldn’t decide which one my body liked more. Seeing as each one made my cunt clench around his delicious cock, I decided I was eager to have more of both.

I felt the pressure mounting in my core as I approached my peak, and by the slight sloppiness creeping into his thrusts, I could tell he was close, too.

“Oh, darling,” I could have sworn his voice curled into a whimper. “Cum for me… Mmh- I need to feel you- F- Fuck- clench around me…”

That was all he needed to send me over the edge.

“L- Loki!” I cried out as my eyes rolled back.

I saw a flash of white, then for a moment, nothing. All I could do was feel. I felt wood chips from the vanity dig into my fingernails as I attempted to tighten my grip, and I felt the vibrations of my loud moans escaping my throat.

But, stronger than the rest of the sensations in my body, I felt my inner walls flutter around Loki’s cock as I came around it, as well as the way he unceasingly pistoned in and out of me, helping me ride out my high. Each drag of his cock sent another twinge of weakness into my knees. I was certain that, had he not been holding me by my hips, and had I not been bent over on his vanity, I would have keeled over.

I was still only semi-coherent when his cock twitched, and Loki sharply pulled me flush against him, spilling his release inside me.

“F- fuck!” Loki’s cry broke through the haze in my mind. “Ohhh, yes…”

My eyes fluttered open, and the first thing I was able to refocus on was his reflection. His head was thrown back as his shoulders and chest moved in time with his heavy breathing and panting.

As he came down from his high, and he lowered his head to look at me, I saw the small wisps of hair that stuck to his still flushed face. He loosened his grip on my hips, which I’d almost forgotten he’d been holding, and rubbed the red marks apologetically. They would bruise over by the morning, and I’d admire them each chance I got. His marks on me. Proof that I was his.

I finally caught a look at myself in the mirror, and I looked ghoulish. As it would turn out, I was wearing makeup, and mascara tears made a mess of my cheeks, which also shone with sweat.

“Oh, dear…” Loki slowly helped me up, taking care not to pull out just yet. “Was I too rough with you?”

I swayed the smallest bit before he righted me, holding me against his chest. I was still catching my breath, so I couldn’t find the voice to respond just yet.

He tried to wipe my tears away with his thumb, frowning as he pulled away to rub my ruined mascara between his thumb and forefinger.

Instead, he resolved to cup the side of my face with his hand. “Breathe for me, darling. Just breathe. I’m going to pull out now, okay?”

I silently nodded before he pulled out of me, and I squeezed my legs shut as our shared mess began to drip down them. It was absolutely filthy, and it felt amazing.

“I’ve got you,” Loki picked me up bridal-style and carried me over to a small green sofa to lay me down. “There we are.” He gently stroked my cheek, and my eyes fluttered shut under his sweet caress. “How are you feeling?”

“Amazing,” I croaked.

“Thank the Norns.” Loki chuckled before conjuring a glass of water for me. “You had me worried for a moment.”

“Sorry.” I gave a small smile as he helped me sit up to take a sip of water.

I wiped the back of my hand across my mouth. “And you weren’t too rough, by the way.”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

“Yes,” I breathed. “It was perfect.” At least, that was what I said. What I wanted to imply was, You could fuck me senseless any day.

“Good.” Loki’s mouth twitched into a smirk, almost as if he heard my filthy thought. “Though I do hope I’ve discouraged you from assisting me in any future shows with such… obscenity.”

“Are you kidding?” I giggled. “Now that I know this is how teasing you ends, I’m gonna tease you at every show!”

“Oh, gods…” Loki massaged the bridge of his nose. “What have I started?”

“I’m just kidding.” I gently coaxed Loki’s hand away from his face. “From now on, I’ll behave onstage. Okay?”

In one fluid motion, Loki lifted me up and sat down on the sofa, pulling me into his lap. “That’s more like it.” He gave me a peck on the cheek.

I rested my head in the crook of his neck, melting into his hold on me. “Well, I’ll behave most of the time.”

Loki’s chest heaved with a sigh of disapproval. “Is there no end to your shows of temptation?”

“Nope!” I answered in a heartbeat.

“What a shame.” He softly chuckled, rubbing my back before planting a kiss on the crown of my head. “All well. What am I to do? As always, the show must go on…”

[imaginesheaven]

National Anthem – F!Reader x Price (x little bit Valeria)

Summary: After Graves’ betrayal another villain appears on the screen for the Task Force. They are nothing like all the others before.

This is kind of inspired by the song National Anthem by Lana Del Rey. I wrote all of this down, but I’m actually not sure what to do with it, so enjoy this little piece of pure braindump. I’m also not sure if I like this at all, so I would really appreciate to know what you think about it :)

Warnings: MDNI – sexual talk; swearing; angst; mentions of death

Length: 2.7 k

“Laswell, you look like you could use a drink”, Price sits down at the bar handing her a glass full of the best whiskey. “Thank you, John, but alcohol isn’t going to get rid our problems this time”, Kate takes a sip of her drink.

Her words make the whole Task Force kind of uncomfortable. Laswell is usually convinced that they can manage everything that the world throws at them, but this time she does have her doubts.

“At first, I thought we only have a usual Russian problem, but it turns out to be way bigger and more than just that”, she gets out two pictures from her jacket pocket to put them upside down onto the table, “There is no room to fail this time.” John exchanges a brief glance with his team, “Hit us, Kate.” As if there would be ever room to fail in their field of work.

“Alejandro contacted me a few hours ago fuming. Valeria got bailed out of jail with an amount of money we all only can dream about. I did a lot of digging to find out what the hell is going on. A woman paid the money to get Valeria back to her El Sin Nombre cartel. It was the same person, who overtook the Shadow Company after Graves’ got killed. This woman is going to be a big problem gathering herself the best army”, Laswell pushes one of the pictures towards John.

The Captain can feel his heart stop for a second as he turns the picture around just to find a very familiar face looking back at him. A thick coldness starts to spread in his chest; doom setting slowly in.

“Price?”, Gaz asks quite concerned about John’s silence. The Captain keeps staring as the seconds tick by. “Fuck”, it’s the only thing he says and hands the picture to Gaz. John literally prayed years ago to never see your oh so beautiful face ever again. His heart can’t get over the fact that you are still looking the same. The way you glance at the camera with a winning smirk makes his knees weak. You know that you were observed from afar and you did not give a single fuck about it.

“You know her?”, Kate can’t explain otherwise his reaction. Price nods his head in agreement, “(Y/F/N) (Y/L/N). Met her once years ago. We had a mission together, but never saw her again after that.” He really hopes none of them can see through his lie. It was way more than just a mission. It was way more complicated than that.

Even after all this time John feels everything like it has been just yesterday. The way your hands have been roaming over his chest. So fucking close to him. Skin on skin. The way you felt amazing underneath him. As well as the way you broke his heart into thousand pieces. If there would be ever a regret he has to live through, it would be you.

Price doesn’t tell them a single thing about it. He will not go through every detail of his biggest mistake with his entire team. That’s something only between you and him for the rest of his life.

“So, she is military?”, Gaz asks as Soap hands the picture to Ghost. Neither of them can’t deny that you are absolutely breathtaking as much as you are deadly probably.

“Yes, (Y/N) worked for a special forces team in the American military. There is nothing much to know since almost everything is classified. Only a handful or so have the security rank to gather that information. The team included five members with the call signs X-1 to X-5, which sounds very nice, right? X-1 means Executer-1, so they called them actually Killer-1 to Killer-5. She is one of the best”, Laswell answers and pulls another picture out of her jacket.

John already knows that the picture will be you in your impressive completely black Executer-gear. He hates and loves this one so much. “No, Kate. (Y/N) is the best”, Price doesn’t say those words very lightly, but they are the truth. If you are going to be their enemy, it will be a fucking war.

“She took over the Shadow Company and the El Sin Nombre cartel? For what? What is her goal?”, Gaz can’t make the connections yet. Kate let’s out a deep sigh and turns around the last picture, “I think she is going for this man.”

The Captain shakes his head, “Makarov? (Y/N) is going for the big kill. If she can gather Russians, the Shadow Company and the El Sin Nombre cartel around her, we are all doomed. With that (Y/N) can take over every army and if that happens, she will go back to America getting her final revenge.”

“What do you know, John?”, Kate is almost kind of mad that she isn’t fully in the picture apparently like Price himself. “(Y/N) made a decision the military didn’t want to see. X-2 to X-5 were supposed to execute her. The members were named after their ranks, so (Y/N) was Executer 1 – the best of them. She killed every single one of her former teammates. The American Government classified everything to keep people from talking. (Y/N) escaped in the end, but all of that were rumors years ago. Everyone who told them got silenced. The military didn’t want to acknowledge her existence anymore. So, who really knows if that’s real or not”, Price knows exactly that everything he just told was real.

Neither of them dares to interrupt the silence thinking about the worst that could happen. Someone as power-driven and skilled as you will bring hell over those who did you wrong. What they don’t know is that you are halfway through your plan to conquer the world like you want it to.

A few hours earlier…

“Ah, Valeria. Nice to meet you in person finally. (Y/F/N) (Y/L/N). At your service”, you give the soldier your best smile to greet her properly. She raises one of her eyebrows still unsure about your intentions, “Why did you pay for my freedom?”

You mention towards the waiting car, “Let’s talk in the car. It’s way cooler in their and it would be only fair to bring you back to your cartel.” Valeria follows your invitation, “If you try to do something stupid I will kill you.” You can’t help yourself but laugh as you get in the car after her, “I really don’t doubt that for a second.”

“So, what’s the deal, hermosa?”, Valeria asks after taking a sip of the cool drink you gave her. You lean forward smiling knowing exactly how to expose your cleavage and use your body to get what you want. Valeria’s eyes follow just like you planned.

“Mi vida, I want your El Sin Nombre cartel to work with my Shadow Company. I am working towards a goal that is very important to me”, you explain to her leaving out a few important details. Valeria doesn’t ask but you could see the question in her eyes.

“Graves got … detained by me. His former soldiers are under my wings now. And well, there is no nice way to tell you this, but your people are also mine”, you keep on smiling knowing exactly she will understand the hidden threat.

“So, the rumors are true that you are gathering an army. They warned me about you, hermosa. Take my men if you need to. You paid for my freedom”, Valeria knows when she is in a situation without options. She is in your hands without any chance of an escape, better playing along for now.

“I’m really glad you took that so well. Graves wasn’t really cooperating”, you lean back taking a sip of your own drink. Valeria knows how to pick her fights and you are much more powerful than she thought.

“Well, the Gringo didn’t know how to handle dangerous women. Especially when they are as breathtaking as you are, mi vida”, Valeria holds up her glass to clink hers with yours. She can’t help herself but be enchanted by you.

You have already wrapped Graves around your little finger with your sex appeal until you took what was his. Now Valeria, next one will be Makarov. And you are pretty sure he will not resist you just like the others. Your plan is going wonderful. Now comes the fun part…

The ringing of his phone snaps Price out of his deep focus on working out a plan to bring you down before you can raise hell. No matter how many options his brain goes through it will never be good enough to keep up with your next steps.

“Captain Price”, he is only paying half attention to the caller on the other side of the line. “Hi, John”, your sweet voice rings in his ears over and over again. Price is not a man to get shocked easily, but right now his mind is absolutely blank. There are literally not words to form a proper sentence.

“Oh, I wish I could see your face right now. Happy to hear that I’m still alive?”, you can’t help yourself to let a heartfelt laugh, which brings John’s heartrate into a very dangerous zone. “Why are you calling?”, he tries to keep calm, but everything in him turns slowly into panic mode. It’s unusual for him. Only you can make him feel this way.

“Oi, don’t you know anymore how small talk works, muppet? How are you doing? What have you been up to the last decade? We really need to work on your manners, handsome”, you didn’t mean to sound it seductively, still you are not mad about it. You don’t have to be in the same room with John to know that you are still going under his skin with so much ease.

“John, humor me for a second. How have you been? Tell me a bit about your little Task Force”, your voice could play on repeat for eternity and John would still not get enough of it. In this moment he hated you so much for all the love he still has for you in his heart. But the two of you are a shadow of the past.

“You haven’t changed, so I’m pretty sure you know already everything about my team”, John will not give in. Not this time. “Yeah, but it would have been nice to hear it from you. Do you really think your Task Force is good enough to keep up with me? Are they ready to do whatever it needs to take down the devil herself?”, you have been watching him and his team for a while now; tracking their success as a team and still they will never be as good as you are.

“What happened to you? This isn’t you, (Y/N)”, John’s voice is only a whisper over the line. You don’t want to admit it, but you actually missed how sweet your name sounds when it comes over his lips. “Betrayal. So much betrayal that I finally found solace in power and revenge”, you reply replaying in your head what happened long ago.

“You killed innocent people… Children…”, John remembers how you stood right in front of him; trying to explain everything, but he wouldn’t hear a word about it. He knows now that you made the right decision back then. His younger self didn’t know it.

“You draw the line wherever you need it, Captain! Isn’t that something you like to tell your team? I did that, but what did I get for sacrificing so much? Nothing. The military sent my own team after me. You left me. I lost everything to save thousands of lives. But you know what? I will gain so much more for sacrificing those lives now. Revenge is best served cold”, once you get what you want, you will never have to defend yourself ever again, “John, we both know that villains are also human beings with a dramatic backstory. Just like the heroes.”

“You called just to tell me all of that?”, John can almost feel his heart bleeding; knowing he is part of the problem. He is one of the reasons you turned your back against humanity. “No, since we have quite the past together, I wanted to give you a change. I can be merciful, if I want to. You have 24 hours to find Makarov to stop me”, your voice transforms from being bitter to cheerful in a second.

“You already know where he is, eh?”, Price realizes that you are playing with him. You know exactly there would be no chance for him to win this battle. “Oh, of course. I would never go into a conversation like this without having plan beforehand, handsome. 24 hours, big boy. Time is ticking”, without a further word you end the call leaving John alone in a deafening silence. This is a fucking war neither John nor the Task Force can win.

Bonus:

“It’s over, (Y/N). Lay down your gun”, Price points his weapon at you as he makes his way towards you. A slight smile appears on your lips before you do what he says. Your little handgun compared to his gets put on the table right in front of you.

You can’t help yourself but admire how handsome he looks after all this time you have seen him. He is aging like a fine wine. For a moment you remember how young he had looked back when he still was a Lieutenant.

“Don’t worry, I’m not a sore loser”, you raise your hands so he can see them clearly. For once you are not a threat to him. Slowly you make your way around the table. He keeps his gun pointed at you, but still lets you come as close as possible. His eyes never leaving yours for a second.

“We all know it was your decision to lose. You had everything to bring hell upon us. So, why do you give up now?”, John’s finger ache to stroke your cheek softly; to feel your warmth against his skin once again. Your eyes bore into his; looking straight into his soul. “And we both know I can’t do anything against my weakness, John. You are still the only one I don’t want to hurt.”

Your words touch his soul; breathing back live into him. For a moment neither of you know what to say. Softly you push away his gun and he let it happen. The two of you are so damn close now almost breathing the same air.

“Do you still love me?”, John can hear the pain but also the hope in your voice. There is no need to deny the truth any longer. He can’t ignore anymore how his heart calls your name over and over again. How it has been doing that for the last few years.

“Yes, I always have and I always will…. I’m so sorry for everything”, he caresses your cheek with his hand and you lean into the touch; yearning for his attention for such a long time already. “It’s okay. I love you too, John…”, you reply letting your tears fall freely now.

“… But neither heroes nor villains get happy endings, handsome. Right person, wrong time. Maybe we will find each other in the next life again. Good bye, John”, you place a soft kiss on his lips. Both of you savoring this moment as long as possible.

A single shot rings through the silence, then a body hitting the ground. And that’s how this story ends.

[snarky-synesthete]

New Fic! "As the World Falls Down"

So this piece has been several months in the making. I initially wrote the section that would become the first two chapters of this five-chapter fic for the Good Omens Song & Poetry Exchange.

My match-up requested the song "As the World Falls Down" from the movie Labyrinth. Be still, my beating heart! As a gift exchange, it was expected to be a fairly small fic, 1K-3K in length. I was falling in love with the story as I wrote it - I've never done a true AU story before - so I reached out to a mod to ask if I could only share the fic with my giftee instead of posting it publicly...because you see, as I was writing, the Good Omens Fairy Tale Minibang started up. Labyrinth is a fun a fairy tale as a 90s kid could possibly desire, and here was a good excuse for me to keep on playing in that sandbox.

You know how Discord does that thing where like...someone's actual Discord handle is one thing, but their name is personalized for different servers? Yeah. The mod I reached out to? Actually my giftee. The "teehee, I thought I had an idea but I think I need to give it more consideration, sorry for wasting your time, byyyyeeee" back-tracking I had to do...

Anyway. I shared the first act of this story with my giftee (patient, understanding, gracious, only laughed at me a little and then with indulgence) and got to work expanding this fairy tale into a full-blown story.

The first chapter of "As the World Falls Down" was posted yesterday, and I'll be posting a chapter a day until all five chapters are up (including the radiantly lovely art by the incomparable @wizardflowers!)

You can find it here (due to the spicy nature of Chapter 4, this work is locked to AO3 users - if that's you, just copy/paste this into your logged-in browser window): https://archiveofourown.org/works/58923310

Side question: can an AU truly be called an AU if it's a direct sequel to the story? Because my tale picks up after S2 of Good Omens. Canon-compliant AU? No, I think this should be "canon-complicit," because this is probably some sort of fandom crime...

[pocket-lad]

Angsty idea 😈 (After the events of ch 17)

Ian returns to his house in Texas, and decides to cut into the wall where Adelaide lived. (Out of morbid curiosity or a need to feel more connected to her. Idk). But he finds the picture they took on Halloween and other memoried of their time together. Trinkets she made for/from borrowing and the gifts he gave her. Her room, her nest and her drawings.🥲🫠

Uh oh.

~~~

Without a real grasp on fine motor skills, the door slammed harder than intended. Whatever. Ian immediately found whatever drink was both closest and highest in alcohol content.

He and Sarah got into another fight. Again. It wasn't relationship-ending, but it was big enough for him to angrily storm out and drive the twenty hours to Austin. Already he couldn’t remember what the argument was about, even though it had only been about a day or so.

Regardless, they’d make up soon. They always did. For the time being, he was going to get wildly drunk.

***

The hole in the corner of the backsplash really wasn’t that large. Five inches maybe? But it may as well have taken up the whole wall for how much attention it drew. He couldn’t look away from it.

There was no point in covering it up. He knew it was there. There was no point in fixing it. Beforehand, somebody used it. Nowadays, he was hardly home. But when he was home…

How long had it been? A year? Two? Five? Did it matter? Whether it happened yesterday or a decade ago, Adelaide was gone, and she’d be gone every day thereafter. And it was his fault.

Something warm and wet tickled Ian's skin as it trickled lightly down his knuckle. Then the stinging, searing pain set in. It seemed as though he had punched a hole in the drywall. Hm.

Splintered pieces of wall fell away as he slowly withdrew his hand. Before he could turn away, a brief glimmer within the foundations caught his eye. Stupidly, he investigated.

The first thing that stuck out to him was an Altoid tin. It looked like fabric had been hastily pushed off of it and its lid sat ajar. A pencil ran the length of the room, at least from what he could tell, and various trinkets hung off of it - rubber bands, thread, safety pins, paper clips, even a screw. Most of what was inside was obscured by darkness, though.

Just as he suspected, Ian had accidentally found Adelaide’s house. Out of all the places he could have put a hole into his wall, it was here.

God, she would be so unbelievably pissed right now. If she were here. He could imagine the absolute thrashing he would receive for putting a hole through her entire house.

Then, to his horror, he realized: He put a hole through her entire house. He was strong enough to put a hole through her entire house. His hands were large enough to put a hole through her entire house. Ian regarded those hands as if they belonged to a monster.

Against his better judgement, he peered back in. He couldn’t see much and, since there was already a hole, there wasn’t any reason to not make it bigger. He took out a pocket knife and carved further.

With enough light filtering in, the home became much clearer. It was messy, cobwebs having nearly overrun the place, but despite the clutter, it was hauntingly empty. Someone had clearly lived here once. A long, long time ago.

A matchbox served as a table, and it was slightly open so that the matches were accessible. Other lighting sources made themselves present through birthday candles and Christmas tree light bulbs. Another table was crafted from a button and broken toothpick fragments, and for a chair, she used a cork for the seat and cardboard wrapped in fabric for the back. Her bed just looked to be a pile of fabric scraps.

There were plenty of things Ian recognized as his, such as an overturned shot glass and a stress ball he got from some conference somewhere. One thimble and three plastic medicine cups sat full of water, and he couldn’t help but laugh at the playing card that hung on the wall. Adelaide had drawn a mustache and glasses over the Queen.

Ian took his time shuffling through and studying each item. Adelaide was always so private for reasons opaque to him, and without her here, he indulged his urge to snoop. It wasn’t like she was using any of it anymore…

Some stuff had to be pulled out for him to see, and even then he couldn’t properly make out what half of it was, though if by some miracle he could, he still didn’t know what it was for. There were pieces of paper with miniscule images clearly drawn on them, but it was anyone’s guess what they depicted. Ian wouldn’t be able to see them if he tried, even with a magnifying glass, and the papers themselves were so tiny that they could easily be swept away with a gentle breath.

Everything in the house looked so lived in and purposeful. When removed from context, however, each piece just looked small and dinky in his grasp. A particular woven basket came apart completely in his large, clumsy fingers.

Not only would Adelaide be furious that he destroyed her house, she’d be even angrier when she learned he was going through her things, and angrier still when she learned that he broke some of them. He could almost hear her voice scolding him in his head.

Stop talking about her like she’s here .

His gaze landed on a large polaroid. Well, large compared to its surroundings. Ian instantly shut his eyes, wishing he had never carved into the walls in the first place. It was the picture of them from Halloween. He remembered her makeshift spider costume and his own costume that was so half-assed he couldn't even tell what it was. He remembered how freaked out she got when he pulled out the camera, and how he let her have the picture as consolation. He remembered how the flash went off before they were both ready, resulting in the horrible image resting against the wall in front of him.

Finally, Ian stepped back and saw the situation for what it was. A giant mess he’d have to patch up. Great. This brought an immediate headache, and what was it all for? To find closure, or something of the sort? That rarely worked, and it obviously wasn’t working here.

Closure…perhaps he should just get rid of it all. Keeping Adelaide’s belongings only fueled the delusion that she would return. If he trashed it, that was clear acceptance. Burn the old, make room for the new.

Did he want to accept it, though? He should accept it. But did he want to? He should.

The deliberation grew to be irritating. Mind made up, Ian stumbled his way over to find a metal bucket and, refusing to think about it too hard, grabbed fistfuls of Adelaide’s belongings. He could feel some of them snap under the pressure, and what didn’t break in his gigantic hands certainly didn’t withstand the fall into the bucket.

He lit one of her borrowed matches and dropped it in, watching the contents burn.

***

Not one to exaggerate, this was perhaps the headache to end all headaches.

Ian groggily sat up and rubbed his eyes. He felt his bare feet on the floor, felt the warm sun shining through the window. He drew the curtains closed.

Next thing he knew, he was trudging through the kitchen, and his eyes landed on the massive hole in the wall, as well as the debris that collected underneath it. He groaned.

Then, he noticed the metal can from the night before, but it was knocked over, its charred contents spilled out everywhere. Hm.

He couldn’t say if it was the right decision. He certainly couldn’t say if there was a right decision. It didn’t make him feel good, though. In fact, quite the opposite.  Everything Adelaide owned, all gone, and with it, Adelaide. There was no getting it back, just like there was no getting her back. Fitting, he supposed. In a logical sort of sense. Emotionally, however, devastating. Pretty emotionally devastating.

Nothing he couldn’t sweep up, though. Broom in hand, he shuffled all the dust back into the bucket. Most of it went back in, but the broom kept catching on something. He gave it a few more hearty tries, each time growing more and more irrationally frustrated. Just short of breaking the broom in half, Ian finally bent down to pick up whatever it was and slam it into the bucket.

Once his hands closed around it though, his heart sank, and the spot it once occupied filled with dread. One by one, each of his fingers curled slowly and securely around the item, his gaze fixed on a distant wall, expressionless beyond the tightness in his jaw.

He squeezed it, feeling the sharp edges of cracked glass, feeling the burnt leather crumble away. Ian didn’t even look at it, knowing it would break him. He remembered when that thing went missing. He remembered when Adelaide gave it back to him as a gift, as if it wasn’t already his to begin with.

So perhaps it was foolish, selfish even, that he marched to his room, opened a drawer, and shoved the ruined watch into the back corner. Ian never hoped for anything. Hope didn’t result in action. If Ian wanted something, he got it. So even though he refused to acknowledge it as such, his decision to keep the watch was a declaration of his belief in hope. Because he didn’t have anything else left. There wasn’t anything he could do about Adelaide. But maybe hope would prevail, in the end. What did he have to lose, anyway?

[into-september]

"Destruction" is the worst episode of Miraculous Ladybug

Oh hey guys, remember way back in April or something when I said I was doing this? Well, the one year anniversary of its premiere is a suitable time to post this, particularly since yesterday saw the airing of the last piece of canon to come out in a while, which happened to be set immediately after these events.

With the always obligatory reminder in place that I generally think that “Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir” is in fact a good TV show whose appeal potentially reaches beyond its merchandise-mandated target group, it has an unflattering pattern of introducing the juiciest story threads and then just… do nothing about them.

The topic of today’s sermon isn't in isolation the worst offender. But it is thanks to this that the worst offender happens at all, so I'm not gonna be nice about it.

Scroll past to skip the negativity.

So, “Destruction”, possibly the most eagerly awaited episodes of out S5 if you don’t count all the false advertisement that was “Revelation”. I remember finding this episode uncharacteristically charmless for this show when I first watched it. They've been onto heavy topics before, but those episodes still had that je ne sais quoi that gives this show such heart. But re-watching "Destruction" I found it lacking already from the first scene, and felt it only in glimpses. It's just not fun.

The episode is also poorly paced, no way around it. It is inexplicably a flashback to two episodes ago which is not evident from the start. More than half the runtime technically consists of Marinette and Alya having a sleepover. The battle and its game-changing outcome is over at 12 minutes into the episode, which is barely past the halfway point. After that, we spend five minutes - a quarter of the episode's full runtime - on a flashback re-playing the same battle but now with verbal exposition explaining Marinette's clever plan. Mind that the confrontation between Marinette and Gabriel lasts for all of seven minutes, meaning that the flashback is nearing the length of the battle itself.

To top it of, it's bogged down with lengthy exchange between Gabriel and the kwamis just to make clear that the haters on the twitter were totally wrong when they bitched about Orikko being OP because actually its powers were something else than we established last season. Here's a bonus plot hole which has nothing to do with everything else I'm going to nag about: Orikko allegedly can't give out the powers of time-travel because no kwami can replicate another kwami's powers. Except for Nooroo and Duusu, I guess, who have done so on several occasions. One of the more remarkable being the episode which first heralded the event that "Destruction" set in motion: "Timetagger".

And who can forget that this was the second time in three episodes where Ladybug and Cat Noir had Monarch at their mercy but spent so much time giving triumphant speeches that he gets away.

Or that that in fact was the second time on the same night.

But while those things certainly make the episode poor, they are not what makes it the worst.

What makes this episode the worst isn't its technical failures, but about the way it leaves its feces all over the themes and the character arcs it seemed like the show had been building up until this point. Moreover: in the role it plays in S5 and the Agreste storyline, and how the show's refusal to touch it again creates a black hole in the season at large, and arguably in the show as a whole.

I. THE INESCAPABLE CONTEXT OF WHAT CAME BEFORE IT

The art of telling a story is the art of highlighting what matters and leaving out what doesn’t. In a well-crafted story, no matter the medium, no detail is insignificant. Every word is carefully chosen, every line or hue made with intention. The curtains aren’t blue just because, and Miraculous Ladybug has made too many meta jokes to hide behind the claim that it’s just a silly rom-com for kids. It has trained its older audience into looking for context and connections; after “Mr. Pigeon 72”, you can’t insist that nothing that happened earlier in this show matters for what happens later. Titles matter a lot in a show where episodes are titled after the villain-of-the-week who usually is the thematic mirror to what our heroes are going through.

“Destruction” is the fourth episode somehow named after Adrien, and the third somehow named after Plagg. You bet this matters.

As some might know, "Kuro Neko" is not my favourite episode. That's not to say I don't like it! It's cute! It's playing a really interesting scenario! We get Plagg hanging out at chez Marinette! But to enjoy it, I have to willfully ignore the storytelling incompetence it flagrantly displays. Because the moment you peek beneath the surface of the events happening to consider theme, motifs, and narrative parallels, it's just

"Kuro Neko" is the second episode that is named after Cat Noir. The first one was "Cat Blanc". There is a thematic connection between the two; not a very clear one and probably not an intentional one, but all the same: both episodes are about an alternative to Cat Noir. One is the result of his father's violence; the other is Adrien's own attempt to become more like the person he presents around his father. They also both show us Plagg and Adrien negotiation Adrien's relationship to Ladybug, and how Ladybug and Cat Noir negotiate that same thing.

"Cat Blanc", for all its apocalyptic visions, starts and ends with hope. It starts with Marinette’s hope at confessing to Adrien, to Adrien’s hope in finally knowing Ladybug’s identity and knowing her like he’s yearned for for three seasons. Those hopes lead to disaster, but the episode ends with Ladybug finding Cat Noir on the Montparnasse Tower, where he is singing his lullaby about the kitty being "all alone without his Lady". As is fitting, Marinette breaks the pattern: after having just witnessed a world turned to destruction because the two of them loved each other, she leans her head on his shoulder in perhaps the most romantic gesture she's ever given him.

"Kuro Neko", in contrast, starts with Adrien resigning the job when he realises that Ladybug no longer needs him and that makes him feel bad. It ends with him coming back and verbally accepting that Ladybug doesn't owe him any exclusive treatment; he isn't her unique partner, just one of many. Where the final scene of "Cat Blanc" seemed to confirm that Ladybug is indeed the answer to Adrien's solitude, the final scene of "Kuro Neko" and its continuation in the first scene in "Risk" both make clear that the opposite is now status: Adrien has to accept the painful fact that as much as Ladybug might be the most important person in his life, Cat Noir does not hold a similar space in Ladybug's.

(The end of “Strike Back” of course claims to remedy this, but those words don’t ring very true when to Marinette’s knowledge, nothing of what went wrong today had anything to do with her keeping secrets from Cat Noir. More damning: Marinette never follows up on her purported regret. In all of S5, she never once sits down to share all those secrets with Cat Noir. Status from "Kuro Neko" still stands, and Adrien is fine with that now. This has nothing to do with the many problems “Destruction” creates, but talking about “Kuro Neko” by necessity means talking about how it wasn’t fixed even if they put the words in Marinette’s mouth. And now back to our scheduled programming)

"Cat Blanc" and "Kuro Neko" by their very existence bring up a thorny topic: That Adrien being Cat Noir isn't wholly unproblematic, and that both Adrien as an individual and Ladybug as the Guardian might have legitimate reasons to question that choice. This has always been obvious to the viewer who knows Hawkmoth’s identity, but the show itself eventually starts calling attention to that from an entirely different angle - namely that of his powers.

Lest we forget: The first episode of S4 that aired wasn't the first episode chronologically: It was "Furious Fu", wherein we learn that The Order of the Guardians has it out for Plagg specifically, and where Ladybug's status as The Guardian is almost revoked on the grounds that she's letting him run around unsupervised. This question of Plagg's whereabouts comes up again in the only episode that is named after Adrien sans Plagg: "Ephemeral", a re-play of “Cat Blanc” except not good. This whole subplot is quickly forgotten, though it being the only one of Su-Han's complaints that weren't about him being a boomer, it's also worth remember that "Destruction" technically happens a couple of hours after he made his last appearance. One might expect that his one consistent lesson would be important enough to echo a bit in the episode where it’s proven to be justified.

"Destruction", as not only one very early episode of the season promising to finally bring about some significant and not the least permanent changes to their lives, but indeed an episode happening on the same night as Ladybug's declaration of regret and Cat Noir's renewed declaration to be her partner, would by its title and its topic seem like the obvious place to finally resolve what "Cat Blanc" and "Kuro Neko" both asked us to question: The existential terror of Plagg's powers, why it is that Adrien is uniquely chosen to temper them at Ladybug’s side, and how Adrien feels about being the one to carry that responsibility.

Yeah. Well.

II. ADRIEN'S PRESENCE IN "DESTRUCTION"

Where "Kuro Neko" and "Cat Blanc" place significant focus on Adrien Agreste in his civillian life, in "Destruction" he appears on screen for a total of 25 seconds - most of which are another flashback to a previous episode, and whose purpose is to highlight Gabriel's hurt from the cataclysm, not Adrien's thoughts about what is happening.

Cat Noir's presence is also marginal. Three minutes of screentime pass from his first appearance until the battle is over. Said battle is the turning point in the war between the heroes and Monarch, thanks to neither Ladybug's powers nor Monarch and all the kwamis, but Monarch using Cat Noir's powers for an impulsive act of self-mutilation. Cat Noir is distraught over this, turning desperate when Monarch first start toying with the idea and being near tears after he carries it out.

I'll get back to the impact of this event, but for now I'll point out that the aftermath is brief: After Monarch escapes, our heroes have this exchange:

LB: We had him, we almost had him! The kwamis were safe, they were right here! CN: I cataclysmed him! I can't believe this, I just cataclysmed someone! Granted it was Monarch, but - there was a real person behind that mask, and it must have hurt him terribly! Milady, you gotta fix this! LB: Cat Noir, Monarch just ran away with my lucky charm! Without it, I can't fix anything. I can't call on my powers and undo the effect of the cataclysm. There's nothing I can do...

We then cut to the slumber party, where Marinette tells Alya that she and Cat Noir "split up" immediately after, and Alya comforts her. From this point in the episode, Cat Noir and Adrien only appear in flashbacks. First a fifty-second flashback wherein Marinette sets up her convoluted plans, then a few seconds of him moving his statue in the wax museum before Monarch appears.

In the episode that more than anything should thematise Adrien, Plagg's powers, and his relationship to his father, Adrien is on screen for a whooping four minutes and twenty seconds.

And because I am that devoted to proving my point, I went and timed all of Alya's on-and-off appearances, which clocked in at a total of five minutes and six seconds.

Alya is of course core to the slumber party which frames the setting of the entire episodes. Moreover, it is with Alya that the emotional arc of the episode ends: it starts with Marinette tormenting hersef watching a Ladyblog report about Monarch's recent win, for which Alya chastises her. The last scene (before Gabriel pulverises the miraculous) has Alya reassure Marinette that she will get the kwamis back. When she regrets her lack of superpowers, Marinette in turn reassures her that Alyas true superpower is being her friend. The journey of the episode was for Marinette to stop blaming herself for messing up, and learning to rely on Alya's support in the new turn the war has taken.

...

IN THE EPISODE WHERE ADRIEN KILLS HIS FATHER.

III. SIR NOT-APPEARING-IN-THIS-FILM

In the episode where Gabriel commits suicide on his son's miraculous, here are some things that got more screentime than the son forced into using his only source of liberation to kill his father:

Flashbacks to past events (four minutes and fourty-five seconds)

Alya (five minutes six seconds)

The kwamis (six minutes and nine seconds)

Bet you can't guess which one is the only kwami who doesn't appear in this episode!

...okay, and Duusu, but you get the point. In the episode detonating the nuke that is the gruesome potential of Plagg's powers, and the potential damage Adrien might deal with them, Plagg never appears on screen.

In the episode highlighting the presence of the kwamis and their importance to their holders, the kwami whose presence is the most thematically tied to his holder's character arc is completely absent.

In the episode irreparably going into the only kwami whose powers is straight up murder, the kwami who The Guardians have singled out specifically as particularly dangerous, the kwami whose irresponsible nature has previously caused problems both to Adrien privately and Cat Noir professionally, said kwami is never even mentioned.

It's almost as if we're not supposed to remember that it is because of his presence that this whole tragedy was possible.

IV. THE EXISTENCE-DEFINING HORROR OF A CATACLYSM GONE WRONG

And ain’t that a funny one, when the gruesome potential in Plagg’s powers was the driving factor in Adrien’s first true crisis as a hero?

Marinette faced her moment in "Origins", where she gave up on her miraculous after the first disastrous attempt. She knows that she is the only one who can do something about the situation, but refuses out of her own lacking courage. She only becomes Ladybug of her own choice when she realises that she can save Alya's life. After this, Marinette never again questioned her place. She would grieve the burden on occasion, but she never once thought anyone else could do better.

Adrien, as we all know, was the polar opposite: he jumped right into it without reading the manual, had to have Ladybug pick up the pieces after a rash cataclysm, and never doubted his calling again until he realised what Plagg’s powers could do when used on a living being.

The NYC special has Adrien quit for reasons that had nothing to do with being unsatisfied with Ladybug's HR policies. It is in part because he effed up his duty as Paris' substitute guardian, but it's certainly also because of the recent horror he just witnessed: his hand forced by someone else nearly killed Ladybug, and killed Uncanny Valley instead as she stepped between them. Adrien just saw a mother weeping over her daughter's corpse, and how only the lucky presence of Ladybug's powers could undo the damage caused by his, unintentional thought it might have been. Adrien would of course never kill anyone on purpose, but Uncanny Valley’s temporary malfunction was a brutal display of what would happen if he stumbled the wrong direction with the gun loaded. Ladybug might have the duty to protect Paris, but Cat Noir has the duty to not to disintegrate people on touch.

The show never before discussed the weight of this burden in Adrien’s presence. “Cat Blanc” did it from Marinette’s side, but this never was a consistent story thread, only briefly brought up as her remembering why his knowing her identity is a bad idea. The sabbatical in “Kuro Neko” has nothing to do with Plagg or with Adrien’s sense of duty, and where you’d think this would be where Marinette finally brings up the issue bridging the NYC special and “Cat Blanc”, neither of the two are as much as alluded to. That Adrien has the power of murder has yet to be explicitly discussed in the show proper, but in combination with his personal relationship to Hawkmoth being a ticking irony bomb, the question of can he even bear it is inevitable.

That Adrien’s post as Cat Noir wasn’t as given as Marinette’s as Ladybug is echoed in the amount of times that Adrien has either quit or at least contemplated doing so (“Syren”, NYC special, “Wishmaker”, “Kuro Neko”). He likes being Cat Noir more than Marinette likes being Ladybug, but he lacks her iron certainty in the role. It is notable, then, that THE ONE TIME where Marinette questions her part, it is after Cat Noir has quit. She says this, out loud, in words. When Cat Noir’s powers become too heavy for Adrien to carry, then Ladybug, too, disappears.

So surely "Destruction" must be the point where this is finally comes together - where Adrien's history of quitting meets his ultimate crisis, where his powers abused on a human being of flesh and blood forces him into confronting the potential cost of being this particular hero, which will foreshadow the ultimate choice he’ll have to take: between being Cat Noir and being his father’s son. And where his choice, in turn, will define whether Ladybug can exist.

Or not.

Maybe we'll never again have Adrien think about how he probably murdered a man. Maybe we'll just - oh I don't know.

Have him start trying to cataclysm people?

Repeatedly?

While showing none of the horror at himself which he clearly had in the aftermath of accidentally cataclysming the villain responsible for his later victims’ possession?

And in the end, after never calling attention to Adrien’s new and trigger happy ways, we’ll have him give in to his fear, claim that he isn’t strong enough to responsibly use Plagg’s powers, and send his miraculous away for Ladybug to use alone, because it turns out that “Kuro Neko” was right and the NYC special was wrong: she can be Ladybug without him.

Growth, amirite.

V. IN THIS HOUSE WE DON’T TALK ABOUT PATRICIDE

Dramatic irony was the main engine driving "Miraculous Ladybug" from the start, and it was Adrien who bore the brunt of it. Not only did he spend four and a half seasons in unrequited love with a girl who rejected him for himself; he spent five seasons doing weekly battle against his own father.

The superpower war between father and son isn't just a source of story tension, however: it is inextricably mirrored in their relationship as family, where the father is openly abusive and the son is magically incapable of protesting. The show repeatedly makes A Point about how the freedom Adrien so wants, is one that he only gets through being Cat Noir, and the only way Adrien is capable of fighting his father - albeit ignorant of it - is with Plagg's powers.

Cat Noir defeating Hawkmoth was necessary not just for his story as a superhero, but as his character arc as a normal boy.

And in "Destruction", this is exactly what happens. Thanks to Plagg's powers, the path to Adrien's freedom is finally paved, in the most gruesome and unwanted manner possible. Adrien might not get the big cathartic show-down with his evil father, but technically he was the one to bring him down.

But we don't talk about that. Except for his one (1) line after Monarch escapes with Ladybug's lucky charm, Adrien never again brings up the fact that his being careless with a cataclysm certainly maimed a man, by precedent (Aeon) possibly killed him. Rather than a story arc about Adrien being afraid of his own powers, it’s only now that he starts aiming it at people when he’s under emotional duress. This could of course have been one hell of a story point if it was intentional, but by all accounts, it wasn’t. When Adrien never again reflects on his having probably murdered a man, or reasons that Monarch is probably fine since he’s clearly still around so maybe a cataclysm isn’t so bad, and he never dwells on his nearly murdering two of his friends, there can’t have been any connection intended here. Moreover: when Adrien is scared of his miraculous towards the end, it’s not about its capacity for normal murder when he’s having a bad day, but its capacity of ending the world if he happens to be akumatised.

Gabriel is likewise disinterested in the cause of his impending disintegration. You’d think the man would feel some kind of special resentment towards Cat Noir and his powers, you could think this was where he’d get to re-thinking his relationship to the two people who are sitting on the keys to solving all his problems. Maybe he’d start doubting himself now, bearing the ultimate testament to his magical hubris. But no. The cataclysm wound is there and it’s a problem, but the reason it happened is completely irrelevant to the man who did this to himself and unknowingly, to his son.

That is almost as mind-blowing as the fact that they really had a straight up patricide happen on screen. Sure, death was never the intention of either of the two parties, and Adrien certainly holds no blame for what happened. But Gabriel must have at least known what he was risking, and even if the soft-hearted Adrien would somehow reason away the gravity, Plagg would certainly now. By its very nature, this one cataclysm drags out and distils a plethora of questions about both Adrien’s role as Cat Noir, about Gabriel’s vision of himself and his goals, and about their relationship not as father and son, but as villain and hero. The gruesome narrative irony looming over all this is in that regard just the icing on the cake.

There is certainly an Oedipal layer to the drama of Gabriel and Adrien, though the often more scandalous incestuous angle is considerably downplayed here. Even so: By the denouement of S5, Adrien has successfully killed his father and set up a home with his mother. That really happened, but we’re sure not going to investigate how this influenced the relationship between two nemesis, between father and son, between Adrien and his kwami.

The cataclysm in “Destruction” turned Adrien from anguished shoujo love interest to the hero of a greek tragedy, but the show is dead set on pretending that it didn’t.

VI. SO THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT

In isolation, "Destruction" comes across as weird more than anything. It's named after Adrien's kwami, it spends an inordinate amount of screentime on Adrien's father, it reaches back to Adrien's perhaps most defining moment as Cat Noir as it fundamentally changes the game between our heroes and our villains as one of them is finally dealt a damaging blow - which in turn sets Adrien's life down a path towards tragedy that must be interfered with for him to have a happy ending by the end of the season.

And yet, Adrien is a peripheral presence in it. Marinette and Gabriel dominate the screentime, Alya and the kwamis are consistently present as the thematic chorus at their respective sides throughout, the episode plays its events twice in order to make it clear that Ladybug is too clever for Monarch's miraculous, the emotional arcs that are followed are the follow-up on where Marinette and Alya stand after the disaster in "Strike Back" as well as Gabriel's renewed vigour. Adrien's only contribution to the episode is to follow Ladybug's instructions and to make clear that his relationship with his father is still awkward. The episode depicts probably THE most important event of the show, but this event is treated almost as an afterthought, and the horrors of it are confined to one (1) line of dialogue from Cat Noir.

The only thing in “Destruction” that is brought up in later episodes is that Gabriel is now actively dying. If they wanted for Gabriel to live on a countdown for his date with the grim reaper, there were countless other ways about it: Have it be his use of too many miraculous which backfires, have him having used the peacock before it was fixed, have it be too much evil on the hands of Nooroo, have him get a serious call from his doctor, have him screw up Tomoe's machinery, have him develop a drug problem. This is a fictional narrative; its twists and turns are absolutely in the hands of the writers, teenage girls being irredeemable or not. It was never vital that this happened by cataclysm specifically.

So what was the point, then? Did we truly turn our magical girl show into a Greek tragedy for the shocked pikachu faces only?

The one thing I somehow haven't seen people bring up, is that "Destruction" makes it impossible for Adrien to learn Monarch's identity. According to the writers themselves, the reason lies in two of the other episodes named after him: "Cat Blanc" and "Ephemeral", wherein he learns his father's identity and is promptly akumatised. This is of course bullshit: both these cases relied not on Adrien learning his father's identity, but on Gabriel specifically scheming to traumatise Adrien with both the Hawkmoth reveal AND the fact that he's been living in the same house as his mother's dead body for the last year or two (timeline here is spectacularly contradictory). There was anothing inevitable about this. You're the writers. You could've set up a scenario where Adrien didn't learn about his father's crimes as an act of psychological warfare, and where he'd have the time to absorb it, to grieve and to find support by the time he'd confront him with it. Having every person close to Adrien keep life-defining secrets from him “for his own good” is, by god, not a good look on anyone involved here. Still it’s understanable, at least for those who aren't either adults or gods of destruction.

"Destruction", however, serves as an explanation for the gaping plot hole in the epilogue: Marinette tells Alya, she tells Su-Han. The one she doesn't tell, though?

The partner who was at her side before Alya or Su-Han ever appeared, and stood by her in far worse storms. Because telling Cat Noir the truth would mean telling Cat Noir that he dealt Gabriel Agreste the killing blow, and ain't that a nifty way to ensure that Marinette won't. Because if Adrien does learn Monarch's identity and the truth about his fall in future seasons, Emilie better hide those garment pins.

The truly damning part of "Destruction" isn't so much what the episode itself does. It's what it doesn't do. It's the storylines it cuts short and leaves behind, and it is the storyline it by its very existence introduces, but which the show refuses to touch.

Per title and content both, "Destruction" should be the culmination of thematic storylines from "Cat Blanc", the NYC special and "Kuro Neko". It’s not; it’s not even about Adrien, and Plagg isn’t even present in it. Moreover: its lacking presence on future episodes make it painfully evident that ambitions, there were none. Those storylines were either aborted like Adrien picking up Felix's spyglass in the S4 finale, or the show never did mean for there to be such a thing as "layers" to this story about a boy who becomes a hero to unknowingly break free from his superhero father.

The real reason why "Destruction" is the worst episode of Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir is that it obliterates the most cohesive character arc this show had going for it, and that this was done on purpose.

[notmasonpines]

Piecing Together the Inside of the Noceda Residence

Hi, hello, it's me again, posting some more work my brain forced me to do before I'm allowed to get back to writing again 'cause none of it will be seen by anyone if I don't.

tl;dr, I tried to use the scenes we get to put together two possible floorplans for the Noceda residence, though, surprise surprise, there's no definitive answer.

Introduction

Alright, so we all know that houses in cartoons are innocuous suburban homes that inside are secretly eldritch shapeshifting nightmares hellbent on driving anyone trying to put together a definitive interior insane, answering only to the whims of the storyboarders. And typically, the longer a show runs and the more scenes we get inside a house, the more contradictions etc. build up. Thankfully, the Noceda residence, which I think I'll call Walnut Grove, or the Grove for short from here on out (since Noceda is losely translated to grove of walnut trees, and the Grove or Walnut Grove sounds like something people might name their house). Petering out sentence aside, thankfully we only see the inside of the Grove in a couple episodes: Camila's room in Enchanting Grom Fright's last scene, the living room in the ending scene of Keeping up A-fear-ances, several scenes of the kitchen and Luz's bedroom in Yesterday's Lie, the kitchen and entry hall at the end of King's Tide, Luz's room and the upstairs hallway in the epilogue, and of course every single room we know of in Thanks To Them.

Since the scenes establishing the Grove's interior are mostly isolated to single rooms or all within one episode, hopefully the paradoxes and contradictions remain somewhat low. And of course, before we fully dive into things, this is not meant as a critique towards the show. Setting up a scene, joke, or otherwise, trumps a fully logical, realistic layout, and putting together a full floorplan prior to boarding or animating makes it almost impossible to account for any later rooms or more useful arrangements that are needed in the future.

So, with the introduction aside, let's first take a look at the exterior of Walnut Grove.

The house is a quaint suburban home with two floors, possibly an attic, and (a later revealed) basement, with a forward-facing gable roof that has one shed-style dormer window at the front. There's a chimney off on the right, slightly off-center, and there's two windows on this side, one for each floor. The front door is to the left, along with six windows, two thinner ones on either side of the door and four big ones, though the second thin window is occasionally missing, such as in the picture above. There's no garage, just a driveway. The back and left-facing sides of the Grove are never seen, so they're a blank slate, though it's very likely there's a backdoor. The general dimensions of the house seem to have a comparable width to length, close to a square.

First attempt

With that out of the way, now for piecing together the actual inside. Let's have the first attempt start right at the front door, which opens up into the entry hall, where the staircase resides.

In the second half of Thanks to Them, there's a perfect shot that shows the full entryway.

Here you can see the stairs on the left, a door on the left near the back of the stairs, a door all the way at the end with ventilation up top, and two openings on the right, one leading directly into the kitchen.

As a funny aside, in the extended intro in Thanks to Them there's a shot of the hall that looks like this, where the stairs have to be fit in a seriously thin slice on the left to not be visible.

Anyway, going counter-clockwise, the living room is easily established as being the first opening on the right of the hall (hard to see due to low lighting), the stairs are also visible from the living room. The majority of this room is occupied by drawers and small tables, plus a large sofa in the middle with a TV against the front wall. There's also a window off to the right.

The back right corner of the living room is never seen properly, nor is the front wall beyond a close-up shot of the TV, but the back left has this additional inward corner.

The other room visible in the prior establishing shot of the entry hall is the kitchen, being accessible through the second opening. These two opposing shots give a full view of the kitchen. There's a counter that runs along the back three walls, along with a kitchen island and a breakfast table on the other side. The microwave and stove top plus oven are on the left along with the fridge, and the sink's at the back.

The opening on the right of the second picture leads into the hallway, with the other exit being a regular door.

There's also a different angle where the opening is seen more clearly, with the room opposite the hall being the downstairs toilet. This also means the door on the left of the establishing shot of the entry hallway belongs to the downstairs toilet, leaving only the door at the back of the hall unaccounted for, though the presence of the window in the kitchen makes it very likely this is the backdoor, or something that leads into a small room that has the backdoor.

And that should be all the known rooms on the ground floor done with. Here's a crude sketch for the layout (not necessarily to scale):

Before making anything more definitive, let's move on to the other two floors. First, the basement is probably the easiest and most well-defined. These two opposing shots map out the majority of it.

There's a small work station and a sofa seated up against the stairs down to the basement, a closet on the wall to the right, alongside a washer/dryer setup. In the opposing corner is a small bar. This was definitely the mancave. The one thing that's missing is a pool table. The only trouble the basement has is…where are the stairs to the basement located? The space right under the stairs in the entryway is already occupied by the downstairs toilet, and the front of the house is already mapped from left to right: left wall -> entry hall -> living room -> window on the right wall. The only bits with space undefined/left is in the back right, as the kitchen's right wall has no windows or anything to indicate it's actually an outside wall, or the back left, with the unassigned door which may or may not be the backdoor obscuring things. The unassigned door has ventilation above it, and while I'm not sure, I presume it's common to have those above interior doors rather than exterior ones, so perhaps there is indeed another room back there. Especially if it's the entry to the basement, which has no windows or access to the outside for ventilation. Plus, the way the kitchen extends further back than the hallway in its establishing shot suggests there is room back there.

Lastly, let's move on to the upper floor.

The main thing we see on this floor is Luz's room, which is almost fully mapped by these shots, leaving just one corner unseen.

It has a bunk bed, a window on either side on both walls, a built-in closet with sliding door on the opposing wall, a small bookcase, and a desk under the right-most window. This is also where we run into the first definitive irreconcilable contradiction. You can see the slanted roof of the house here, with Luz's ceiling going up diagonally from the wall with the bookcase to the door at the back. However, in Yesterday's Lie, Vee jumps out of the desk window on the right, and comes out the shed window at the front of the Grove.

Furthermore, we also have a shot at the end of the extended intro in Thanks to Them, where Luz sits at her desk on the right and directly sees the school bus arrive at the front.

So, the ceiling says the desk window should be on the side of the Grove, but two instances say the window is at the front. There's sadly no way to reconcile this, so any future layout will have to compromise and pick one or the other. One thing that's clear though is that Luz's room has a front-facing wall. Whether that means her room is at the front-right corner or the front-left corner is up to us to pick.

The ceiling's slant in Luz's room should start a lot lower near the floor anyway, as the roof at the front slants down all the way to the bottom of the upper floor, along with the shed window being obvious from the inside, while in Luz's room the diagonal ceiling is only near the top, and the windows are both on flat walls. But of course, fitting in a bunk bed with that kind of ceiling is much more difficult for animators with these shots, so let's just let that slide.

Moving on, we also get a few shots of the upstairs hallway.

Now, I definitely think this hallway has been stretched out in the right picture, namely to add in all the photos on the wall, so let's go with animation trickery and assume the length is shorter than this, otherwise it'll probably be wider than the entire house, length- or width-wise. We also have at least two doors on one side of the hall, possibly three since the door in the left picture is white, with the other door further back in the right picture being brown. There's also room behind the camera on the left for a door, as well as the stairs leading up to the hallway. There's no serious slant visible in the ceiling like in Luz's room, so the hallway isn't directly up against an outside wall, so that's one point off.

When it comes to Camilla's room we basically see nothing except the bed and the door, so nothing more to say about that.

Before I go ahead and show my first attempt at a complete floorplan, I'll also mention that we're missing a proper bathroom, so that's something that has to be around somewhere. Since there's at least three doors in the upstairs hallway, and convention, the bathroom will be upstairs.

There's also this inward corner in the back-left of the living room, and the kitchen doesn't have an alcove back there, so another room has to be back there. Though from all possible angles, no door can be seen. So apparently the Grove just has a hole in its center?

Lastly, there's the already mentioned possible location of the basement stairs behind the door at the back of the hall. I'll leave out a highly possible attic space, as it's never shown, and adding it to the floorplan is pretty easy. Just a singular room with a collapsible ceiling ladder somewhere in the upstairs hallway.

With all this kept in mind, the floorplan that arises from this looks like this, though proportions can be altered a little:

Some clarifications, I turned the mysterious gap in the center of the house into a pantry, with kitchen-access, even if there's no actual access visible in the show. The second doorway in the kitchen also directly leads into the living room, in the corner we can't see. A fireplace is also added, as there should be a chimney/fireplace around that location. The space behind the door at the back of the hall is turned into a room with access to the basement, though I can also see it containing the breaker box and that kind of stuff on the right wall.

For the basement, nothing more needs to be said, except yes, I did add the pool table. And for the upstairs, by making things fit with the parameters set with the ground floor, the additional space in the front-left corner becomes a home office (for Manny, rest in peace), with Luz's room at the front-right and her desk window becoming the shed window, and Camila's room at the back-right. Using up some of the remaining space for built-in closets, the potential third/middle door in the hallway becomes the missing bathroom, which is an en-suite here. Lastly, the remaining space in the back left just becomes more storage space.

So yeah, a few clunky things, but it works overall.

Now to tear this apart and point out all the inconsistencies I left out up until now.

The inconsistencies #1

Obviously, Luz's room is a Schrodinger's room that's in either the front-left corner state or the front-right corner state. For the sake of illustrating both options, I collapsed the wave function into front-right for this attempt, but I'll get back to the other state in a bit.

This also means the hallway is oriented wrong, as none of the slanted roof can be seen at the back, which would be the case if the orientation was front to back. The upstairs hallway is depicted as being oriented from left to right, parallel to the rooftop, especially with the window at the end.

Speaking of windows, the sideview of the Grove's exterior shows there's no window near the front at the right-facing wall, even though the living room has a window at the right. No matter what, the living room is solidly depicted as being in the front-right corner of the house, making this missing living room window the second irreconcilable contradiction we've encountered so far.

Keeping up with windows, the exterior window in the back of the right-facing wall is nowhere to be seen in the actual floorplan, belonging to the kitchen, which has no window on that wall. Furthermore, the side of a neighbor's house is visible in the kitchen window, meaning that wall is side-facing. This means the kitchen is either in the back-left corner or the front-right corner, though the latter is already occupied by the living room, so if anything, the kitchen would be in the back-left.

And, as mentioned previously, there's absolutely no entry to this mysterious hole in the center of the floorplans in any of the interior shots.

Based on these floorplans, it should also be clear that the house stretches back more than it is wide, which doesn't match up well with the outside, where the layout is more square.

Oh, and I left out the biggest inconsistency so far.

You remember that second entry to the kitchen? The one with the door, not the one to the entry hall? The one I assigned to being a direct passage into the living room?

Yeah, there's a whole-ass second hallway beyond there, one we never actually see from within in the show.

So…big oversight on my part there.

With all these big inconsistencies pointed out though, barring the two irreconcilable ones, let's try again, and attempt to work out these kinks.

Second attempt

I'll spare you the same pictures of the rooms (partly because I actually hit the picture limit of Tumblr and had to resort to screenshotting pairs/triplets in-draft to turn them into single pictures (did I trick ya?)) so let's get to the meat of this second attempt.

Rather than base things off the entryway, let's instead build things up on the ground floor around the kitchen, since that one had the biggest inconsistencies in attempt one.

Well, let's start with putting the kitchen at the left of the house, with the kitchen window facing left. We also still have the downstairs toilet across the hall from the opening, and we now also have this second hallway visible from the other door, which has a corner, if not a T-junction, right where the kitchen door is, and two doors, one for each wall of said corner.

A crude sketch of this arrangement looks like this:

We now have a weird mess of hallways and turns, but to further build on this, let's just connect the two bits of hallway we can see into one, which you'll see just below in the final floorplan.

Of course, the location of the entry hallway and the living room doesn't change whatsoever, so let's just go ahead and show my full second attempt:

As you can see here, the new kitchen direction with adjacent hallway system, combined with the entryway and living room, fills up quite a bit of floorspace. That, and the downstairs toilet now neatly explains the back-left corner of the living room. Concerning the two additional doors visible in the second hallway, I've assigned one to the pantry, and the other to a small closet containing the breaker box.

The long stretch of hallway parallel to the right of the kitchen did create some empty space between the living room and the pantry, but I filled this up with a proper dining room. This also now happens to be the spot where the chimney/fireplace would be located, which seems very fitting.

The basement does not change in any significant way, besides needing to figure out where the basement stairs are, as the kitchen now occupies the space right behind the entry stairway. As the weird second hallway section seems to extend beyond the windowless kitchen wall, the implied space right beyond the kitchen is turned into the basement stairs. This also turns the whole basement by ninety degrees.

Lastly, there is the upstairs. As the placement of the staircase really does not change, the floorplan of the upstairs is not determined by that of the downstairs. In reality, the floorplan of the first attempt and that of the second attempt here could be interchanged if you fudged the proportions a little. Anyway, for this upstairs I collapsed the Luz Schrodinger's room wave function into the front-left corner state, meaning we're now adhering to the sloped roof visible in Luz's room rather than the desk window. I also gave the one corner that's never actually shown in the show an indent to give some room for the stairs to go up without the ceiling being in the way.

With her room in the front-left, this makes the hallway stretch from left-to-right, also solving that discrepancy discussed with the last attempt. Beyond that, I assigned the three visible doors upstairs to Luz's room, a hallway closet, and the home office (otherwise an empty space), with the shed window now being part of said office, and in the back there's Camila's room, a walk-in closet, and the en-suite bathroom to fill the remaining space.

All in all, a decently put together floorplan, I'd say. Now let's point out what's wrong with this one.

The inconsistencies #2

Let's get the obvious ones out of the way. Luz's desk window now doesn't face the front anymore, but this was one of two irreconcilable contradictions anyway. The other one is the lack of a living room window on the right side of the house, which again can't be fixed.

Speaking of windows, the one in Luz's room, above her low bookshelf, is not visible on the exterior, where only the shed windows are visible. Proportions just won't allow this shed window to belong to Luz's room, unless you fudge with things and make the other room on the front end be much thinner. At least there's now space for a window on the lower right wall near the back, which I added to the bit of hallway that reaches the right wall, between the dining room and pantry.

There are two glaring inconsistencies though, one being the fact the entrance hall no longer matches the one establishing shot, where the kitchen is visibly established as being oriented where its one window is facing the back. This kitchen window both facing the back of the house as well as showing one of the neighboring houses is the third irreconcilable contradiction.

The other big inconsistency involves the downstairs toilet, which happens to have a small window on the wall opposite the door. The stars are even visible through it.

In this layout, this wall is an interior one, with the living room being on the other side. It seems this window is somehow capable of quantum tunneling to the exterior wall, which doesn't sound very realistic. (As an aside, I'll skip on figuring out a floorplan for the actual Owl House, citing magic as my excuse. That, or 'Hooty was feeling a little quirky with his insides that scene' when contradictory shots show up).

Concluding remarks

In general, the Noceda residence is decently well established, and does not have too many irreconcilable contradictions, as hoped for predicted in the introduction. Trust me, other cartoon houses are notorious for being extremely inconsistent in their depictions.

Luz's desk window suggests her room plus upstairs hallway stretch front-to-back, but the ceilings of her room and hallway show they stretch left-to-right.

The kitchen window is facing left, but the entry hall and kitchen are established to face front-to-back.

The living room is established to be in the front-right corner, but the window visible on the right wall is absent on the outside.

Anyway, I'm pretty happy with the two layouts I put together, though I personally prefer the second attempt. Besides the three irreconcilable contradictions, which you'll just have to pick and choose or ignore altogether, there's only three other contradictions here, compared to the five of the first attempt, which included the missing hallway. That, and things just fit together more neatly. I do like how both have at least one loop in them. I can just picture younger Luz doing the human equivalent of zoomies on the ground floor.

So, dear reader who's somehow found this post and read it to the end, which floorplan do you prefer, or think makes more sense? Keep in mind that you can swap the layouts for the upstairs between the two attempts as long as you adjust the proportions a little.

But that's enough out of me. I'll see you once the next side-tangent for fic writing hits and I put too much effort into it to not show it online.

[gemini-magic17]

Entanglement Chapter Eighteen

**Queen Raina's POV

Aiden never should have yelled at Ser Easton like that yesterday. Instead of blowing up at everyone he should be trying to remain calm and not alienate all the people around him. I went to check on Ser Easton and apologize for Aiden I went to his room. As I arrived I knocked on his door there was no answer and instead of leaving I opened the door. From first looks, I could see most of his stuff missing which included his clothes and riding gear. Noticing a note on the table I picked it up only to be saddened by the written words.

"Dear King Aiden,

You were right when you said it was my fault for letting the Princess disappear without a trace. My sole responsibility was to protect her and I couldn't even do that. Because of that, I have left to go in search of Y/n to bring her home. By the time you are reading this, I have already made my departure and will do my very best to bring her back to Tir Asleen.

Sincerely,

Ser Easton"

Covering my mouth from shock I dropped the piece of parchment and made my way to go find Aiden. I knew that Aiden would be in the council room as he has been in there since Y/n went missing. Bursting open the doors everyone turned to look at me with wide eyes.

"Aiden, Ser Easton has gone", I told him.

"What do you mean he has gone", he said leaning forward on the table.

"I mean he went looking for Y/n because he felt terrible that she went missing as though it was his fault."

"Well at least he is doing something."

"How can you be so caviler about this? Yes he feels terrible about what has happened but did you have to blame him for it", I exclaimed.

"He had one job one damn job that he couldn't do!"

"I look at you Aiden and I question where is the man I married", and with that, I left the room leaving him dumbfounded, and everyone shocked to their core.

**Boorman's POV

I can't stop thinking about the exchange between Willow and that man yesterday. He looked familiar but I couldn't place him but whatever conversation those two were having seemed intense. I figured it couldn't help to ask Willow who the man was after all. I grabbed a horse from the stables and made my way to Willow's home.

As I arrived I saw another horse tied to the wooden railing of his home. From what I could tell it was Kit's horse Chief, part of me wondered what she was doing here if she was leading a search party today. With a loud knock on the door I can hear Willow's voice from inside.

"Who is it", he asked.

"It's Boorman open up", I said. He opened the door and we exchanged greetings. It wasn't until I saw Kit that I could tell she was in bad shape. Part of me wondered why see she didn't even like the princess.

"Hey Kit how's it going", I could see her nervously biting her nails.

"How's it going, How's it going? Let me tell you how's it going. Y/n is missing and no one has seen her for days. Not knowing if she's okay and if she has been hurt or worse dead is making me lose my mind", she exclaimed and that I thought she started to lose it.

"God Kit", I said and turned to Willow.

"I need to ask you something and its about someone you were talking to yesterday", I told him.

"Who is the someone because I talked to a lot of people yesterday", he laughed.

"It was in the town square the guy had silver-colored shoulder length hair and he had a brown horse with him",

"Doesn't ring a bell sorry", I could tell he was lying and it was not just me it saw it as well.

"Are you talking about Ser Easton", she asked me.

"Is that who he is", I said.

"That is Y/n's guard. How do you know him Willow", Kit had her full attention on him now.

"I don't really know him he just asked for directions and he went on his merry way", he said.

"If that's true Willow why did I see you giving him a letter", I raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know what you are talking about you must be confused", he said trying to weasel his way out of this.

"Willow I can tell when you are lying so I'm going to ask you a question and you better be honest with me", Kit stated walking closer to Willow.

"Did that letter have anything to do with Y/n's disappearance", she asked and Willow went silent.

"Answer the question Willow", I said.

"So what if it did", when he said that Kit had an incredulous look on her face.

"Are you kidding me? What did it say", she asked and again he went silent.

"Did that letter say what happened to her? Where she is", she exclaimed.

"WILLOW", she yelled.

"YES! The letter contained where she was alright", and at that the fury that Kit's eyes held could light a room on fire.

"You know where she is", I asked and he nodded his head.

"Yes I do."

"Is she okay? Did she get hurt", Kit frantically asked.

"No, she is perfectly fine", and that confused us.

"If she is fine then where is she", I asked.

"Somewhere safe I can reassure you", he said.

"Willow so help me if you do not tell me where she is", Kit threatened.

"You will do what", he said and with that the look she had could kill someone where they stood.

"I will make sure to get it out of you one way or another so tell me where she is", she exclaimed and I have never been more scared of Kit than I have now.

"She is in Ancient Dristarya", and at those words Kit's face paled.

"You can't be serious why would she be there," Kit asked.

"No one would look for her there", he said.

"She went to the place that is deserted due to the fact that no one dares goes there."

"Yes, she figured it was the best place for people to leave her alone knowing no one would travel to that place", he said.

"Well, she was wrong because I'm going to get her", at that Kit stormed out of the home and left on her horse.

"You should have told her in the first place that you knew where Y/n was", I said and left to find Kit.

**Kit's POV

With the new information given to me by Willow, I raced back to the castle to pack my belongings to set out. As soon as I got back I dismounted Chief but before I could get inside I was stopped by Boorman.

"Kit what are you planning to do", he asked following me to my room.

"I'm getting what I needed gartering a ship and going to Dristarya", I said.

"You can't go alone."

"Then you can come with me but you better get your shit together and meet me by the docks tonight", I stated and I can see him battling with himself to decide if he should tag along.

"Fine", he said and then a thought popped into my head. Damn it I have to take Amara with me otherwise King Aiden would have my ass. Groaning I turned to Boorman and let him know the plan.

"I forgot that I have to bring Amara with us."

"Who is Amara", he asked.

"Y/n's best friend since childhood and a real bitch if you ask me", I said and he gave me this weird look.

"Why are you looking at me like that", I said.

"You sound jealous", he said with a laugh.

"What do I have to be jealous of? As far as I'm concerned she is nothing but a friend to Y/n."

"Right, like you were just friends with Jade."

**Amara's POV

I can't stand her ass! Where the fuck does Kit Tanthalos gets off on being a bitch to Y/n. She never did anything to her and she thinks that she can treat her like shit. If it was up to me I would have her head on a spike. At that precise moment, I came upon Kit and whoever she was talking to. I figured now would be the best time to discuss the search party considering we had to leave later today. Plus it was best to do this out in the open so that I don't end up killing.

"Kit I need to talk to you", I said and she turned to me and rolled her eyes.

"What a coincidence I need to talk to you too. It's about Y/n", she said.

"What about her"?

"I found out where she is and I plan on going there tonight" she stated.

"Oh really and were you planning on telling me about this", I asked.

"I'm telling you now aren't I", she smirked and I wanted to punch it right off her face.

"So where is she"?

"In Dristarya", and at that I laughed.

"Dristarya? Are you serious", I asked.

"A friend of mine received a letter from her explaining where she was", she said folding her arms. Not believing a word that came out of her mouth the man next to her spoke out.

"It's true he told me himself", he said.

"Who are you", I questioned.

"I'm Boorman and your name is", he asked.

"Amara Hartridge of Praisa", I said then turned to Kit.

"So we leave tonight that's a six-day journey to Dristarya we are going to need a ship", I said

"I got that covered you, Boorman and I will meet at seven", she said.

"He's coming with", I asked and she nodded her head.

"We have to leave then so the guards that King Aiden wanted us to take don't know that we have already left", she said.

"Why don't we want to take them with us? After all, it is Ancient Dristarya", I asked

"They would bring Y/n back kicking and screaming knowing that she is there. We want her to come back willingly not by force and knowing that she is safe there is something to be grateful for", she said.

**Time Skip (three days later) Ser Easton's POV

The journey had been painfully long and tiring. It almost took me an extra day to get here when the ship's captain found out my planned destination. The thought of coming close to Dristarya scared him shitless, and he gave me a boat large enough to carry my belongings to make it here. The sight of the castle was breathtaking its structure must have been excellent as it was still standing after thousands of years.

Arriving on the beach I carefully got out to push the boat the rest of the way on the sand. My boots soaking wet the sound they made as I walked could only be described as a sloshing sound. I decided to leave the belongings on the boat until I came face to face was the Princess. I made my ascent towards the large gates that lead to the trail. The gates haven't been opened in a long time which fits with why it looked so abandoned until now. As I walked along the stone trail toward the castle I was halfway way there I heard a loud screech. Walking a little further to where it had originated I was met by the sight of a red dragon with an unnaturally long neck.

It was only then that I recognized that it was Tyrax standing in front of me. I kept slinking forward which made me extremely cautious of my next move. Before I could do anything I saw a silhouette walking down the trail in my direction. Seeing that it was Y/n made me happy now knowing that she was in one piece seeing it with my own eyes. Tyrax kept a watch on me the entire time as she was moving to see if I was a threat to her. The smile that stretched across her face as she saw me warmed my heart.

"It is so good to see you", she said pulling me into a hug.

"It is good to see you too", I said reciprocating the hug. I pulled away just to take in the way she looked. Y/n seemed healthy and there was no physical damage that I could see.

"Ser Easton I am fine I promise", she said as she could tell what I was doing.

"I can't help it. Finding out you were here of all places made me very worried."

"I know it could make anyone worry especially about the rumors that circle this place", she said and we made our way to the castle.

"I know."

"How was your journey? Was it alright", she asked.

"It was somewhat fine", and she looked worried by that answer.

"It was just tiring was all and I had to row the rest of the way here on the sixth day", I stated.

"Why", she questioned with head tilt.

"When the captain of the ship I was on found out I was heading to Dristarya-"

"He told you he didn't want to come near this place and sent you on your way", she said.

"Yes", as we got closer to the castle I stopped in my tracks and it was only until Y/n didn't see me by her side anymore that she turned in my direction. The image in front of me made me speechless and Y/n had a small smile as she could see what I was astounded at. Four dragons flew around the castle while Calyx and what I could only assume was Aeras were sleeping not far from us.

"Come. I want to talk about what has been happening since I left", she said and we continued our way there.

The inside of the castle was magnificent the intricate details of what seemed to be dragons cared into the walls along with other aspects of culture that were only found in Ancient Dristarya. Y/n took us to a room that was filled with books, maps, and paintings.

"I came upon this room on my fourth day here. I think this castle's form of a library and the books they have are intriguing", she says and pulls a book off a shelf.

"I started reading this book on the history of Ancient Dristarya. They had no mention of this place in any book in my family's library", and she handed it to me. We took a seat at the table closest to the door and I flipped through some of the pages.

"It is quite an interesting book indeed Princess", I said and she smiled.

"I knew you would think so."

"So, I read what you said about the things that went on in Tir Asleen since I have been gone. How bad is it", she asked with her voice shaking.

"I'm not going to lie to you but your family is going mad over your disappearance. Rather I should say your father and your brother as I said in the letter wants to kill Kit. Your mother is heartbroken from what I can see. She tries to put on a brave front but I know that this is killing her", I said and she put her head in her hands.

"I never should have left. I have caused so much damage and pain to the ones I love. How could I do this to them", and she began to tear up.

"You were unhappy and hurt by that incessant girl. Going through what you have been through would make anyone want to flee", I said taking ahold of her hands.

"It's still not right. They will never forgive me for this", she stated.

"In time I know you will see them again and if I know anything about your family it is that they love you. They are your family and will understand why you left along with forgiving you for it."

I could see her mulling over my words in her head. The internal struggle that she was battling with was written all over her face. In time I just hope she can realize that she doesn't need to blame herself for all the pain she has been through.

[ratatouillewastakendammit]

Regrets

Chapter 8

Next chapter

Warnings/index

Maybe Chrollo talked some manners into him, or maybe he just discovered a dormant shred or human decency, but Nobunaga made no snide comments about your red eyes or puffy nose. At least, none that you remember. At this point in time, you still were highly against allowing yourself the vulnerable practice of falling asleep in front of these people. However, despite still technically being conscious, the rest of the car ride was a blurry mess in your mind. You didn't even remember stopping, much less getting out and going anywhere.

Hence your confusion at waking up in an unknown room in an unknown bed.

Your clothes were still the same, but they didn't detract from how comfortable it was. The blankets were soft and felt expensive, along with the silken pillows that were cool to the touch. The rest of the room was dark, save for the small slivers of light peaking through curtains. You got up and pushed them aside, revealing the expanse of city below. It was surprising how high up it seemed you were. Now the rest of the room was easy to see as well. It looked like an expensive hotel setting; nice and spacious, but devoid of any personal touch. There was a bedside table and chest of drawers supporting a television, along with two doors that what you assumed led to the main area or a bathroom.

These suspicions were proved correct when you opened the one closest to you, following through it into an extensive living space.

Wall length windows showcased the same view as before. A black leather couch sat behind a low-standing walnut table, which was a few meters away from another flat-screen. A large stone fireplace lay inactive underneath it. There were a few more pieces of furniture, all of which looked quite expensive, and from what you could tell, the living room seemed to link into a full length kitchen. The space was surprisingly large, leading you to see it more of a apartment lacking character rather than a hotel.

However, the factor that held your curiosity at the moment was the long, dark oak bookshelf lining the wall between the two areas. It extended from the floor to the high ceiling, making the corner more like a miniature library. You definitely couldn't reach the top, but the various novels in front of you ranged from multiple categories and genres.

"I see you're awake."

You jumped at the voice behind you, spinning around to be met with Chrollo. Instead of the usual dark coat, he wore a simple pair of trousers and a gray t-shirt. He closed the door he came from and walked into the kitchen.

"Where am I?" You immediately inquired.

"One of my apartments in York New."

Hesitating, you quickly took in every possible exit, gauging your options in case of a needed escape. "And, uh, why am I here?"

He stepped back into the room, carrying a small plate. "I wasn't sure where else to take you."

Hurt and embarrassment flooded through your veins as you allowed yourself to remember the events of before. You had completely broken down. Honestly, you doubted anyone would blame you if they knew why. However, Chrollo had seen it. He watched your life fall apart and you along with it, leaving you at your weakest point in front of your worst enemy. Not only that, but he had actually helped you.

Even worse, you had accepted it.

The notion made you feel open and weak, not to mention guilty to no end.

'As far as I'm concerned, you're one of them now.'

Am I?

There wasn't anything you were sure of anymore.

Well, there was one exception: Kurapika hated you. There was no denying that, but it didn't lessen the heaviness of your heart or cool the heat building behind your eyes. So, you did what you do best when it comes to emotional turmoil.

Ignore it, at least until you had time alone, and just hope the man in front of you doesn't mention the shameful incident of yesterday.

"So, I'm guessing your nen is back?"

He nodded slightly, opening his hand. You were about to question what he was doing when a book formed in his palm out of thin air. The medium-sized volume was a shade of garnet with a human hand print on the front. Up close you noticed it seemed to have a slight glow emanating from it, trailing up into Chrollo. Or maybe it was the other way around, coming from him instead.

"Is that your power? Stopping other people's nen I mean." You asked, recalling how easily he has halted your own back at the hideout.

"One of them." He put the plate, which you could see was topped with an assortment of fruit, on the table and sat down on the couch. The gesture was small, and you couldn't even be positive it was on purpose, but with him sitting down you were much calmer. "I'm actually a specialist."

That didn't help.

"I'm able to trap others' abilities in this book." Chrollo gestured to his hand. "Then I can replicate them myself whenever I want. Nullification is just one that I've recently picked up."

Oh, how wonderfully overpowered.

"And yours?"

"Huh?" Chrollo's question turned you away from the endless possibilities you were imagining based on his explanation. "My what?"

"Your ability, will you explain it to me?" He asked.

"Oh."

Is that really the best idea?

It's not like any secret or weakness I have will give me an edge up if we fight. I'll die if that's what he wishes, learning about his insane power just reinstates that.

Still, if it's something he wants.

"I have a question first." You crossed your arms and sat down on the couch. The short distance from him was unsettling, but an equal playing field might be the best way to get the answer you wanted. "When I'm not of use to you anymore, what are you gonna do to me? Like my eyes. Are you gonna... ya know."

"Steal them?" He answered. "No. I think they look much better in you than whatever mason jar they'd end up in. As for your previous question, you're free to leave at any time. No harm will come to you from us as long as you're not the one to strike first. However, I doubt that'll happen."

"What's that supposed to mean?" You snapped.

"You just don't seem like type." His smile wasn't like the polite, detached ones you had previously been receiving. This one was odd, almost playful. "I also doubt you'll run out of use to me unless you decide it so. You're extremely capable, not to mention what I know so far about your abilities."

The warm feeling of being valuable, of being wanted, was much too nice to ignore. So, you told him. You told him about the basics of your emotional sensing and control, along with the powers that were linked to it, such as the reason why you were able to evade Pakunoda's interrogation. He just sat silently, listening to you until you were finished. And when you did, he looked up.

"Any weaknesses?"

You considered them before answering. "I'm not very strong and control doesn't last very long, especially when the subject is someone else who specializes in nen. And when it is, I usually have to let some sort of sound to keep myself in control and stabilized. Nothing big, just usually a hum or verbal commands, but again, that's just for the more powerful people."

He nodded. "Anything else?"

"Um," You hesitated. "I have this, this weird thing where, uh, people can feel what I'm feeling if I touch them. That's why I wear all my layers." You gave a nervous chuckle and raised your hand, which was still covered by the glove.

Chrollo hummed. You could see the gears in his head were turning. With what you weren't sure until he raised his own hand to you. "May I see?"

The breath going down your throat hitched. His outstretched palm remained in front of you, still against the untouchable glass that enclosed your domain, patiently waiting, anticipating what you were going to do next.

Biting back a sigh, you tentatively raised your arm, lightly prying at the tips of your gloved fingers before pulling it off fully and letting the black satin fall to your lap. You slowly connected your hand with his, ready for whatever sickly feeling would come over you.

But it never did. Nothing else had arisen besides the ever present poke of your own self-inflected guilt. However, the odd yet pleasant feel of human contact managed to overcome it. His hand was cold, slightly rough and larger than yours. Its owner gazed down, a thoughtful expression overcoming his face.

He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them before allowing a pleased grin to arrange itself upon his features. "There it is."

"What?" You inquired, confused by the look.

"I seem to have reached the point in nen mastery where my Ten and other defensive abilities are present at all times, even unconsciously. I can see what you're talking about, but I had to momentarily disable those shields to do it." He finished.

"Wow." That level of concentration was truly impressive. A foggy memory of him touching your face reeled through your mind. Did he really not experience any of your emotions then? "So you can feel it?"

"How nervous you are? Yes." That slight, playful smile was back.

Your eyes flit from his own back to your fingers. You released they were still touching and quickly withdrew, pretending to immerse yourself in the brightly colored fruit plate sitting on the table.

"That's for you, by the way." Chrollo offered, following your line of sight.

"Hm? Oh, I'm fine."

"It wasn't a request." He stood up. "I'm supposed to keep you alive, remember? I do believe it would be a failure on my end if you happened to kneel over from starvation during your stay."

You narrowed your eyes, but took an orange slice nonetheless. The mandarin was plump and juicy, exploding in your mouth as you pondered his words. "So, does that mean I'm still working for you?"

"If that's what you want."

"What would it mean? Like I said, I'm not gonna-"

"Kill anyone, yes, I remember." He said. "I'm just interested in using your abilities to their fullest potential. Besides, according to our deal I'm not really allowed to kill anyone unless you give me your permission."

That's right, he did say that. I'm not sure why. For someone like him that's a pretty hefty thing to promise. If I stay, I might even get to help people, especially if he honors our deal.

My situation isn't looking too bright either way.

"So?"

Fuck it.

XxXxX

The 'go with the flow' type attitude you had recently attempted to adopt was oddly freeing.

While the concept was depressing, without Kurapika there wasn't much left you wanted to live for. Nevertheless, that small detail also meant that death wasn't exactly something you needed to spend time worrying about. Your time would come at some point and you had accepted that. More so, you had accepted the notion that when your time did come, you'd leave this world alone, without anyone to miss.

This fraction of silver lining was rusty, but it was keeping you together and that's what mattered.

However, this laid-back frame of mind brought some unexpected results, especially to you. While you had grown less anxious in your everyday life, you would have never predicted you would become more used to the Phantom Troupe's leader in the process.

Chrollo Lucilfer was a man of many talents, one of them being the charming persona he effortlessly was able to assume. Yet, you knew better and had spent the last few years with him starring in your nightmares. Despite this, he was still extremely agreeable. At least, when he wasn't trying to kill you.

In the past forty-eight hours, he hadn't bothered you. On the contrary, he had supplied you with your own room during your stay and had done a wonderful job of respecting your boundaries, leaving you alone most of the time. Save for a few instances, of course. Sometimes he would open your door to ask you what you wanted to eat for dinner, making sure to knock every time. And when the two of you did interact, he was always well-mannered, almost friendly and you found yourself feeling less and less weary of his presence.

This fact not only flared the steaming pile of guilt within your stomach, but was also a small reminder of how incredibly naive you could be. Hence another benefit of God's-plan-I'll-die-when-I-die perspective. But the remorse was still ever present.

You, against probably everyone on the planet's better judgement, had agreed to continue working for the Phantom Troupe. A small part of you wanted to say you didn't know why. A bigger one found security in the fact that your staying limited the amount of people Chrollo was allowed to kill. That final piece, the one you hated the most, had other reasons hidden in the cracks.

You were wanted, needed. Even if it was by the group of people you hated most, that idea of being valued made your heart light. It filtered the large chunks of guilt through the hope of finally not being a burden. You knew if everything hadn't happened you would've refused without a second thought, but a part of you was broken, still left in fragments by the hammer of your friend's words. And the thing was, Chrollo had been there. He had seen you at your most vulnerable and offered a way out. That small, broken part of you hoped that because of this, the results of your rationality-neglected agreement wouldn't be that bad.

This did absolutely nothing to calm your apprehension in the slightest, especially as you neared the presently appointed Phantom Troupe hideout.

The last time you had been taken there, you happened to be totally unconscious. You had thought some sort of precaution would be used to make sure you didn't know exactly where it was, but nothing of the sort was enacted. The drive was moderately normal. You just sat and waited, nervously fiddling with your gloves to try and distract yourself from the anxiety regarding the impending situation.

Your temporary home and the city surrounding it melted away, transitioning into a terrain ruled only by nature. Being a few hours out, it was a wonder there were no human-made interruptions. Naturally, this also meant the area was a perfect place for those who wished to remain unseen.

The actual location looked like a regular mountain, but the inside was the recognizable, cavernous space that you remembered waking up in days ago. The only light source came from small cracks within the stone that allowed moonlight to bloom through. At least, until you noticed the small candles standing in the corners of the room like little white soldiers waiting to be lit.

Chrollo did. They burned against the cold stone, tiny suns captured within the essence of wick and wax. Their tiny flame flickered in his steel eyes for a moment before he turned around.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." You automatically answered, a meager attempt at saving face.

He may have seen through the facade, but said nothing. Instead, he remained under one of his own; calm and polite as usual. "Of course. My apologies."

You two were alone as of now, which made sense as he was their boss and therefore most likely expected to arrive first. This did help a bit with your anxiety, but you slipped away to an isolated corner anyhow, content with watching from afar. Maybe that would hinder the amount of scrutiny you received, at least a bit.

It didn't.

Pakunoda was the first one to arrive. You remembered the memory reader well. She walked into the center of the room, regarding you with no ill intent, rather of serenity and contemplation. A similar aura seemed to follow the woman wherever she went and made her one of the least panic-inducing members.

Next was Machi, which was true to form, at least with what you've learned about her so far. She respect for her leader and the Troupe itself was overwhelming and you guessed she'd be quite punctual for meetings. Her eyes followed you in a similar form as the blonde's.

More members began to trickle in, each giving you unwanted attention that you squirm internally. Thankfully, you were able to remain outwardly calm, leaning on a stalagmite with what you hoped was a passive expression. However, there was one gaze in particular that did surprise you.

I thought he left the Troupe?

The golden eyed clown and the one that followed, whom you had never seen before, were the last to arrive. While the rest of the group were looking up at their leader, his stare caught yours like a rat-trap. Whatever Chrollo was saying was buried under the discomfort of Hisoka's leer. His associate didn't help either.

The individual was about the same height, but that was where similarities ended. Long, glossy hair the shade of obsidian fell down his back, contrasting with the fair tone of his skin. Based on his physical makeup, you could discern that he was male, but the soft details of his face may have been confusing to some. These details did absolutely nothing to allude towards any sort of inner workings or thoughts. The worst part was his eyes. They were endless circles of pure ebony, reflecting everything but the life many possessed within this feature.

If eyes truly were the windows to the soul, then this man had none.

Although they were indeed a discomfort, there was a type of terrifying beauty that they brought as well. They were almost like the eyes of a doll, lifeless, but also pristine, with a mysterious quality about them. You could get lost in those eyes forever if you weren't careful, and you were making that mistake right now.

"And I'm sure you remember her as well."

You snapped away from the man's eyes to meet Chrollo's gaze. Clearly you hadn't been paying attention to what was happening, so you opted to remain quiet.

"Is she joining too?" That was Shizuku, the forgetful young woman with glasses.

He turned to face you, taking a moment to think before deciding on an answer. "No, not yet."

You held back scoff.

'Yet'

I'm not joining

Ever

This is different

I think

"However, she'll be working with us for the time being. I believe her abilities will be useful here."

Some of them were apprehensive, at least with what you could see regarding those who you could actually read. Despite this, no one said anything, the confidence in their leader overshadowing any traces of hesitance. They had no reason to worry, you weren't dumb enough to try anything. Still, the trust they held in Chrollo was something to be admired.

Having been spaced out in thought about Hisoka's new friend, the meeting seemed to be almost over. You would just have to hope that the details would be relayed once more later. With some final words, the Troupe split off into a few separate groups, those who hadn't volunteered or been selected for the mission leaving entirely. On the other hand, you stayed in your corner, reluctant on speaking to anyone.

Life sucks sometimes.

"Hey, you're the chain user's friend, yeah?"

It was the blond, lilac covered boy. His over-cheery demeanor hadn't dimmed since the last time you'd met. You, unfortunately, did not share the same attitude and stifled a grimace at the mention of Kurapika.

"You could say that."

"I'm Shalnark, in case you don't remember!" He beamed.

"Tone it down. You'll scare her off." A stern voice interjected. It belonged to Machi. The pink haired woman was sitting down on a rock, observing your conversation.

"She can handle it." He waved her off, turning back in your direction. "Your nen's kinda like Pakunoda's, right?"

"Uh, I mean, I think?"

"But I guess you took down Nobunaga pretty fast," Cue the irritated scoff a few feet away. "so I guess it's a bit more offensive."

"I don't..."

You subtly glanced over at Chrollo, hoping that something he would do could excuse you from the situation. Of course, you hated to rely on him, but you were still weary to exhibit any behavior that might be considered rude in front of these people.

"So maybe it's a bit more like mine. At least based on how he looked afterward and everything."

"It won't happen again." Nobunaga, who had apparently had enough, pushed the golden haired boy back. "And listen to Machi. If the boss says she's important, we can't have you being such a dumbass."

What?

The man must have taken notice of your confused expression based on the dramatic sigh and harsh eye roll he gave. "I know you didn't kill Uvo. Even if you did, if the boss says you're joining then I'm not gonna say anything against it. I respect your abilities, but I still don't like you."

"The feeling's mutual." You blurted without thinking. Immediately, you tensed in fear of what your anxiously induced mindlessness had produced.

Thankfully, he let out a deep, hearty chuckle. "Maybe you won't be terrible to work with. But like I said, you won't beat me again."

"Just stop being annoying, both of you." Machi stood up, walked over to you and grabbed your arm. Her grasp wasn't painful, but firm as she pulled you away from the small group. Her touch was surprising and still a bit scary to you. But, if you thought about it, you were probably the least uncomfortable with her. "You can ignore them. Men are idiots anyway."

She got to the middle of the room before releasing your arm and seeing herself out without another word. Still, you could feel the rest of your gaze falling over you for a split second before exiting the cavern. You wondered if it was purely out of inspection, or maybe something more. Your pondering was cut short when yet another member cleared their throat from behind you. This wasn't surprising. Being new was usually a cause of inspection, but that didn't lessen your dislike of being constantly tossed back and forth for a questioning.

It was the woman in purple, Pakunoda. Her expression was stern, which seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary for her, but she was less intimidating than most of the others. For reasons why, you weren't sure, but you were thankful nonetheless.

"I'm guessing you remember me?"

You nodded.

"Shalnark said your nen was similar to mine. Can I see?"

She reached out a hand and you immediately realized what she was asking. A memory reading would indeed be quicker than whatever explanation you could come up with. Giving away your information to once more so soon made you hesitant, but her straightforward way of asking was refreshing.

"I usually like to know who I'm working with. Unless you were actually telling the truth about the whole mind block thing."

"Yeah, sure."

Her touch was warm and gentle, as if she was expecting you to run away at the slightest prick of contact, like a doe dashing into the bush at a mere human glance. You didn't.

"Show me what you can do."

It only took a few moments and if you didn't know what powers she possessed, you would have simply thought her strange for pressing a hand onto your forehead. You weren't sure what she was able to see, but after a few moments she backed off, seeming to contemplate whatever vision your memories had provided.

"Shalnark was wrong."

"Hmm?"

"Your abilities aren't like mine. His second guess was more accurate. However, the boss, on the other hand, is right."

"What do you mean?"

Her face fell into a slight smile. "You'll do well here."

"Oh, uh, thanks."

She nodded in recognition then moved to begin her walk towards the exit. Before she made it too far though, she stopped without turning around, primed to give one final piece of advice.

"He was an asshole, you should've let him die. Don't like empathy get in the way of your best interests."

At first, you had no clue what she was talking about. You rifled through your memories, seeking through anything that would've connected to her last minute statement. That's when it hit you: your run in all those months ago. The one where you had nearly killed a man under the influence of your own nen-powered drug. Clearly her open ended question brought up more secrets than you would've thought, but it made sense.

She wanted to know about your abilities and the Switch was technically a part of that. You realized that she was the only other one who knew, having forgotten to mention it to Chrollo in your previous discussion. Of course, you had no intention of ever activating it again so, hopefully, it wouldn't be of any harm. You did however feel a bit infringed upon, betrayed by your own mind to reveal personal information. But maybe it was for the best, another reminder of how dangerous that aspect of your nen was, despite how hard you tried to forget.

And it was quite nice just to forget sometimes.

To your relief, her greeting, or whatever you would call it, was the last. Everyone else was either gone or disinterested in conversing.

"Ready?"

You swiveled to face Chrollo, giving a small nod. He returned the gesture before flicking his hand. Why, you weren't sure, until the candle-captured flames dissipated, plunging you into a moon-lit gloom. It was actually pretty cool, even if you refused to admit it.

The ride home was much less tense. Even though you knew a simple assembly would most likely be nothing compared to actual missions, you were still glad to get it out of the way. Meeting people was difficult. You were still quite nervous in the presence of these people and glad to have it done with.

It was silent, the good silent. The kind which allowed you to sit back and breathe instead of force you into wordlessly worrying about whatever task was in your path. It was the type where the imaginative reins were loosened, allowing you to travel to any galaxy you wanted, limited only by the boundless landscape of your own creativity. You did this for a while, mindlessly floating along with the car and not even noticing. At least until the ropes of your mind were forced to pull once more at the sound of your name.

You recognized Chrollo's voice, but didn't hear what was said before. You turned in his direction, waiting for him to continue or repeat whatever was missed. He did.

"Why did you agree to this?"

"Hmm?"

It took you a moment to register what he was asking, the windows to your mind still foggy. When you did, you gave yourself a few moments to ponder your answer before offering a response.

"As long as I'm, here you can't kill people. At least unless I say so, or something like that."

And that was true. Or at least, partly true. The fine print of your agreement had indeed played a role in your decision, a decision the you from a year ago would've positively flabbergasted at. However, there were some things that had happened in the last year that might've also been of influence, things you did not want to acknowledge, much less talk about with Chrollo Lucilfer of all people.

The man himself also seemed to notice that there were more details laying beneath your shallow reply, but he didn't say anything. You were glad he wasn't going to push for more details, but the quietness his lack of response left was not as nice as the one before.

"So, do I need anything for whatever we're doing?" You asked, wanting to fill the silence, but also hoping that he would somehow mention something about the mission itself. You had been horribly distracted during the initial debrief after all.

"No." dammit. "I did order you some clothes, seeing as most of your possessions were left behind."

Asshole clown.

Wait.

"You got me clothes?"

He nodded. "They should be at my apartment by the time we arrive. Of course, if you'd like to change living situations, I'll find some way to transport them and any other necessities."

"No, it's fine. Saves money and everything."

Your answer was much too quick to be believable and you mentally cringed. Living alone had never been enjoyable for you. It was much too quiet, too empty to feel comfortable. Moving around constantly as your previous lifestyle required made it tolerable, but seeing as you may have to stay in the same spot for a while, a roommate wouldn't be minded.

Not to mention, and you absolutely despised yourself for it, you had gotten used to the raven-haired man in the past few days. You'd definitely had worse living situations.

Stop that.

"Understood." His smile was a hint to how easily your bullshit could be seen through.

"How'd you know my size?"

He shrugged. "Lucky guess."

"And how much do I owe you?" You asked, internally frowning.

"Nothing."

Huh.

You didn't enjoy the idea of being in debt to him, but seeing as your monetary funds were currently at zero, you let it slide for the time being. You did need clothes anyway.

And for the next pressing issue.

"So..." You began. "Could you just, like, rerun what we're doing?"

A grin, small, but smug, grew on Chrollo's face at your question. "So, you weren't paying attention then."

"Yes, I was." No, no I was not. "I just wanna double check. For safety measures."

"It's fine. Although I'm quite jealous someone was able to steal your attention so easily. At such an important meeting no less."

The sarcasm was unexpected coming from him, but welcome. You rolled your eyes and waited for him to continue, thankful that you weren't in trouble for getting distracted.

"His name is Illumi." You quirked an eyebrow at the odd response. "The man you were looking at. He's a partner of Hisoka's and will be taking Uvogin's spot as number eleven at his request."

"Oh."

It was surprising someone as seemingly emotionless as Illumi was able to work with a theatrical individual like Hisoka Morow. Perhaps opposites do attract after all.

"As for the mission, I doubt there's anything you'll have to worry about. The rest of the troupe will not be present, but I'm sure we can handle it."

"Really? Any reason why?"

"I figured it would be odd to have anyone else there. Especially seeing as we'll be posing as a couple."

If you were drinking water, you would have spat it out and choked.

"We're what? I-I thought the Phantom Troupe was a gang of thieves. What are we gonna achieve with me pretending to be your girlfriend?"

"Wife, actually." He corrected. "Unless, of course, you can't handle it."

What do I do?

"That's not-"

Wait.

Is his asshole serious?

Alright, fine.

There was no damn way he was going to offer a challenge and not have it be met. If he actually thought you couldn't do it, then proving him wrong was going to be the first enjoyable activity you had partook in in a while. Besides, if you couldn't physically harm someone you disliked, seeing them eat their words could be just as gratifying.

Naturally, you disliked the idea, but you absolutely refused to be bested by Chrollo. The agreement would be the second one this week made with split-second debate, but you wouldn't regret it.

"Nope, I'll be perfectly fine." You retorted.

"Perfect." He replied, polite smile ever present, matched with something more lurking underneath. "I'm counting on it."

[frijae]

this is us, after the war

endhawks

part 1 of 5, 9.8k

slow burn post-war romance

(just a love letter to hawks, really)

Hawks has slipped back onto his chair in the meantime. Pushed the bottle away from himself in the process, but he’s keeping the still-full shot glass close at hand. Drink in case of emergency. “Bullshit,” he says. “Don’t play coy, it’s unbecoming for a man your age.” “I don’t want to influence your decision.” “You don’t want to–” Hawks would ruffle his feathers in sheer irritation if he still had them. “Really? We’re going there?” There’s only carrots and potatoes left in Mera’s container, roughly chopped and swimming in lukewarm curry. Hawks watches Mera move the remaining pieces around – probably looking for something more interesting. “Endeavor said yes when I asked last week,” he says at length. There, he’s finally found it: the last bit of eggplant hiding almost forgotten in a corner. “Jeanist too, if it matters. Yesterday.” Hawks downs the shot. (Or, the one where Hawks tries to Figure It Out after the war and slowly realises that he doesn't have to do it alone. It's a love story, baby!)

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Who Ya Gonna Call?

This is going to be a rambling mental health dump about yesterday. Be warned.

So yesterday afternoon I watched Ghostbusters, my all time favorite movie, that I saw for the first time when I was 6 in 1984, and have seen likely hundreds of times since then, with a friend I've had for several years now who is at least as old as me, who had NEVER seen it. I fucking love watching this movie, especially with people who are seeing it for the first time. My son leaves the room when I watch it because, "Mom it's honestly weird that you know every single word of dialogue." My friend commented on that too, even watching it 'together' long distance and communicating via text. I can't help it. I love it. She asked me why I love it so much. I didn't want to write her a full length doctoral dissertation on Ghostbusters while she was actively watching it with me for her first viewing, but here will be a long essay about a couple of the reasons I love it so much today. I wrote an essay before about how I love that the Ghostbusters are good men, about how even cocky, wryly comedic, womanizing Pete Venkman (Bill Murray) reveres informed consent. I've written about how much J is like Egon Spengler. Some folks have heard me talk about how this movie connects me to A, who's my best friend who passed away last December (You want me to get REAL emotional and sappy, talk to me about Ghostbusters Afterlife. That's obviously about both the afterlife and Egon Spengler. That's like ...a lot. But that's another whole essay. I'm sure I could have just a Ghostbusters blog.)

Today I'm gonna write about 2 things though that no one really thinks about when they see Ghostbusters and one of them is HYPER specific, and it will probably only land if someone else reading this is a freakish super fan like me. But here we go.

At the very beginning of Ghostbusters, Pete Venkman is doing a 'psychological experiment' as a professor at Columbia University, where he claims to be studying, 'the effects of negative reinforcement on ESP (extra sensory perception) ability.' The comedy is that his experiment is shit because he's skewing results in favor of a pretty girl he's trying to pick up. But if you pay attention to the scene his actual results are showing that negative reinforcement improves ESP ability. The poor student getting the mild electric shock on the incorrect guesses, does get one right after 4 misses. And while I can't name the card you pull out of a deck without looking at it, or actually read minds, nor did I ever get actual electric shocks or other physical pain-type negative reinforcement growing up, the subtle negative reinforcement I did constantly get from my family except my grandparents essentially trained me to fucking figure out from whatever you can observe and feel in your space how to navigate it and make a guess at what people need or expect from you in order to avoid that. In my case...I think the negative reinforcement enhanced my 'ESP ability,' for better or worse. I've had many people in my life straight up ask me if I was psychic before. I'm not. I just have a trauma history that makes me so hyper aware of other people's feelings and needs that I can fairly accurately project and predict what they'll do and say a lot of the time. And the closer I am emotionally to that person/the more time I spend with them, the better I get at it. I like that part of Ghostbusters.

And the other piece I want to rant about is the silly commercial they make for the business that ends with the line, "We're ready to believe you," and of course, the catchphrase, "Who ya gonna call?" I'm an honest person. I don't lie. But that doesn't mean I'm always believed. My feelings and needs for attention and affection were ignored, denied, and negated often by pretty much everyone in my life except for my grandparents, A, J, my son(mostly), and some online friends. I don't trust them all the time either. It goes back to all that negative reinforcement and overused and overly relied upon ESP ability. Actually, I don't even trust myself a lot of the time, even though I'm not a dishonest person, especially if I'm thinking or feeling something good or hopeful. My default about people I love and want to trust, and even about my own feelings is, "This can't be real (implied: because it's good)." But the Ghostbusters are ready to believe me. They won't ignore, deny, or negate my experience. It's their promised business model and mission statement. And J and I woke up at 2am today and talked all morning about...life. And about how hard it is to trust and rely on other people other than each other. About how neither of us have anyone really, that we feel would be of any real help to us other than each other. All of our closest emotional connections are scattered and fragile, and all of our closest geographic connections are tenuous at best, but actually basically unreliable to the point of uselessness. We don't have anyone to call. We ARE who other people call. I'm 46 years old and a parent and a homeowner and a college graduate, but I admit I wish we could call Ghostbusters. I like that part of Ghostbusters too. They understand my negative reinforcement and they're ready to believe me and if there's something strange in my neighborhood, I can call them. That's basically my lifelong relationship fantasy. That's why I love J so much. It's why I miss A so badly. They give/gave me that for real.

That's not all of why I love Ghostbusters so much, but it's a start. Thanks for watching it with me yesterday. You don't really know how helpful and necessary it was for me to get through the day. ❤️