#yesterday just left me feeling so emotionally drained

[funky-dealer]

mm.

[fuck-customers]

(10/10) so i got into a car accident yesterday. i’m completely unharmed and the only damage to my car is that a plastic cover on the bottom came off. it can be reattached, no insurance required.

HOWEVER this experience DEEPLY rattled me. i’ve never had such a bad panic attack, i truly understood what people meant when they said the phrase “shuddering breath”. it was HORRIBLE and i was so emotionally drained even after it passed. i did not feel able to work in the slightest.

so i called my manager and let her know. i told her that i was in an accident and i was completely honest about it being minor, but i also said that i did not feel emotionally stable enough to work, which was true.

she started guilt tripping me and saying, “well you’re abandoning your team, you understand that right?”

i stood my ground and said, “i understand that, and i apologize truly, but i cannot work tonight.”

she didn’t even give me a chance to explain further before hanging up on me without so much as a “feel better soon”.

like. i have one more day left before i’m leaving. i NEED the money, i would absolutely come in if i wasn’t feeling like i was falling apart at the seams. this wasn’t just me feeling slightly depressed or anxious, i got into a fucking CAR ACCIDENT. so glad i’ll never have to work with this bitch again after friday.

[karikarasuno]

sonder ch. viii

Pairing: Erwin Smith x Fem!Reader x Levi Ackerman

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warnings/Tags: Lack of Communication, Flirty Behavior, Masturbation, Eavesdropping, Descriptions of Sex, Too Many Feelings

Word Count: 5.6k

song(s) for the chapter: my all by mariah carey

chapter vii | chapter viii | chapter ix

Pandora’s box. That was what Moblit and Hange were currently trying to pry open from you with their bare hands. When you agreed to take a late lunch with Moblit, you hadn’t realized that your chicken caesar wrap would be accompanied with a side of interrogation. All lighthearted and well-intentioned, but you’ve been unsurprisingly irritable lately. Your newly realized feelings for Levi and Erwin left you emotionally drained and physically tense. Not that it was anyone else’s fault but your own. Moblit, though, was not helping the situation. And Hange’s erratic commentary was truly the cherry on top.

“I’m just saying you all seem awfully close,” Moblit said. He was teasing you and it was clear, but you couldn’t help but bristle at his words. 

“Friends fuck sometimes and that’s okay,” Hange added, thoughtful and serious, which made your jaw drop and your food bitter in your mouth. 

“Hange, please,” you said, pushing your half-eaten wrap to the side and taking a sip of your iced hibiscus tea instead. “We’re not,” your lips refused to fix around the word fuck out loud, “sleeping together.”

“So then what are you three doing together all the time?” Moblit asked innocently. The innocence was a mere facade, though, since you knew he was simply trying to fish for information. 

“Hanging out. Y’know, like we are, right now.” 

“Right,” he said unconvinced. “So you expect us all to believe you’re not dating?”

“Yes, exactly that. Because it’s not a belief if it’s a fact,” you bit out, your eyes narrowing at him when he smiled and shrugged.

“So you and Erwin are just hanging out as friends this Saturday?”

“How the hell do you even know about that?!” You whispered loudly, leaning towards him and snatching a potato wedge from his plate as payment for your distress. Levi had asked a favor of you yesterday when he had to take a last minute shift for Saturday since one of his regular patients needed an emergency session. Erwin’s father and his fiancee signed up for a dance lesson for their upcoming wedding and invited Erwin and Levi to join them. But given Levi’s schedule change, he asked you to join them in his place. You said yes (obviously) because you said yes to all of their requests, even if it was at your own emotional expense. 

“Levi told me,” Hange said casually. “He only feels a little bad over it because he hates dancing.”

“Of course he did and of course he does,” you responded grumpily as you slouched back in your seat and looked out the window you were seated beside. “This is just a favor anyway, nothing else.”

“Not a date,” Moblit nodded, as if he was agreeing with you when in actuality he was pressing you further. 

“Do you think my first date with someone would be a double date with his dad and his dad’s fiancee?”

“Sounds romantic enough to me,” he grinned, swiping the uneaten half of your wrap and taking a large bite in retaliation for the wedge you stole. You stared at him for a minute, observing the tiny moments of intimacy he always shared with Hange. The light grazing of his fingers on the back of their neck or the way they always made sure he had enough to drink in his cup. It seemed so easy. Fluid. Envy turned in your gut and it was only worsened by the knowledge of knowing your friends bore witness to your complicated relationship with Levi and Erwin, but knew you couldn’t do anything about it. 

“I don’t see what your point is,” you mumbled, glancing away from them again as Hange took a napkin and cleaned the corner of Moblit’s mouth that had a smear of caesar dressing left there aggressively. You fought a disgusted sneer at the softness between them to not come off as bitter. Which you definitely were.

“My point is, if it sounds like dating and it looks like dating,” he said it slowly as if you were beyond the capability of comprehension. “It’s dating.”

“Well maybe you should break it to your buddies that according to you they have a girlfriend,” you said with an annoyed eye roll. “Because as far as I know I am their neighbor who also happened to turn into a friend.”

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way,” Hange started, leaning forward with their elbows on the table. “But we’ve known Levi and Erwin for a long time and all we’re trying to say is it’s worth a conversation.”

“What conversation is there to be had?” You whined in exasperation. The memory of your almost kiss with Levi popped into your mind without your consent, the skin of your neck and chest warming up at the thought. That was a conversation that definitely needed to be had, but it had already been weeks since that night and neither of you made a move to bring it up. And with all your dinners together since then another incident like that hadn’t happened again. So, you forced it from your mind and refused to dwell on something that may have meant nothing at all. 

“The one regarding your feelings,” Moblit emphasized.

“What feelings?” You said stubbornly, arms crossing and an agitated huff released from your lips. You were starting to hate how easy it was for Moblit to read you. He had an uncanny ability of seeing straight through you. His intuition was nearly always right, especially when it came to the sticky complication of the emotions you swore you hid quite well. 

“You’re hopeless,” Moblit shook his head, placing your wrap back on your plate with a large chunk missing. Thankfully, they dropped the topic after that. But your mind couldn’t help but toss the concept around in your head for the rest of the day. 

They made it sound so simple. So normal. As if you entering an already established relationship with two men wasn’t odd or complicated. And it wasn’t as if you were any sort of advocate for traditional relationships. It was just something you never considered. A relationship with one man nearly broke you in two. And almost a year later, you were still reeling from the aftermath. It was hard enough grappling with the fact that you were falling in love with two people at the same time. You recognized long ago that you had the capacity for it. Loving people with your whole being was not a foreign concept to you. But extending that love, acting on that love, that you held for Levi and Erwin seemed crazy in a way that you couldn’t imagine. 

If one man had the capability to crack your soul in half so deeply the damage seemed irreparable, you could not fathom giving your heart away to two. Surely, the loss of their friendship alone would leave you raw and exposed. It would reverse all the work you had done this far. And you were afraid of the person you would become if you faced another loss like that. You felt jaded and cynical enough. If you handed your heart over to them, only for it to be returned in pieces seemed like a fruitless endeavor. Stupid, even. 

So you kept it exactly where it was. In the center of your chest with a stitched crack down the middle. 

“Erwin, we’re going to be late,” you called for him from his doorway. He was adamant on finding his black t-shirt, which you didn’t realize was even a remotely big deal. But, apparently it was and you had to be at the dance studio by 5pm. Currently, it was 4:36pm and it was a 20 minute drive. 

“Just a second! I found it,” he yelled back excitedly and you couldn’t hold back your loud sigh because you really did hate being late to things like this. It always made you anxious. Another minute passed as you began to tap your heeled foot against the concrete step outside his door because you were convinced that if you stepped inside he wouldn’t feel your obvious sense of urgency. 

“Erwin!” You shouted again, pulling your phone out of your purse to double check the time. 

“I’m coming,” he rounded the corner breathlessly, black shirt fitted around his torso with a zip up slung over his shoulder since it was still chilly outside this early in the new spring season. 

“You looked fine before,” you complained, grabbing his forearm and tugging him outside when he was close enough. “I don’t know why you needed to change.”

He locked the door behind himself, bounding down the steps to meet you at the gate. His hand found the small of your back then as he guided the two of you to his car, “I wanted to match.”

He grinned down at you with pleasant sincerity. As if matching with you was a necessity to this particular outing, and if he didn’t he would’ve ruined the entire thing. “You’re kidding.”

“Nope,” he smiled again and opened the door for you. “What’s the point in going to a couples dance class if we don’t match?”

Your jaw ticked at the word couple, your muscles spasming in your lower back when his hand disappeared and left you cold and tense. He was excited, but you could sense his nervous energy the moment you were in the car and driving towards your destination. This wouldn’t be his first time meeting his father’s fiancee, but it was still evident that he struggled with the idea of his dad getting remarried. And in typical Erwin fashion he played everything off as if it didn’t truly bother him. But knowing him for almost a year now, you could sense the tiny cracks in his facade. The fractures in his usually ebullient personality were starting to become more and more apparent. You wanted him to feel comfortable in your presence. And at present his nerves were crackling off of him like sparklers in the hands of a child on new year’s eve.

“Are you nervous?” You asked, eyes tracking a couple on the sidewalk beside the car as they walked their dog. 

“About?” His tone was hesitant, like he could sense you calling him out on his anxious energy. But instead of confronting him like Levi probably would have, you allowed his feign on indifference to steer your conversation. 

“Stepping on my toes,” you said with a teasing smile at him. He stopped at a red light, turning to grin at you–teeth white and smile blinding. 

“Oh sweetheart,” he replied in playful condescension, “I’m a terrific dancer.”

“We’ll have to see about that,” you responded snidely, expression unconvinced as you turned to look at him just as the light turned green. He released a loud laugh, his hand moving from the gear shift and hovering above your knee for a second. You were curious as to what he was about to do, your thigh tensing involuntarily before his hand landed on your knee and he squeezed. Your breath was held tightly in your chest, your cheeks growing warmer (a constant, uncontrollable reaction you were becoming increasingly more irritated by), and when his hand didn’t move for the rest of the drive every attempt you made at relaxing only made the discomfort fester more beneath your skin. 

The studio was small and on the second floor of a renovated townhome with a cute bookstore on the first floor. On one side of the room were floor to ceiling windows with a perfect view of the park that was just across the street. The lights were golden and dimmed to create an intimate and private atmosphere. Before you entered the studio, your short heels clicking satisfyingly against the glossed wooden floor panels, Erwin’s phone rang and he stepped back out, leaving you to greet the instructors alone. 

They were an older couple with thick accents that you could only attribute to an eastern European country, but you weren’t sure which one. 

“Hello, pretty,” the woman greeted you first, leaning over to press her cheek against yours. She was beaming at you, her eyes sparkling with excitement and you couldn’t stop the sheepish smile from stretching your lips in response. Her husband, you assumed, extended his hand to you in a warm handshake. 

You heard Erwin finally walk in behind you again, tugging on your purse to slip his phone inside before he said, “Looks like it’s just you and me. That was my dad and he said he can’t make it.”

“Is everything ok?” You said with a note of worry, but also the itchy feeling of anxiety stirred in your chest because this truly was a date now. Whether you wanted to admit that or not. 

“Yeah, he’s okay. I refused to ask what he was up to considering the fact that he was out of breath.” He shivered at the thought, and you laughed at the grossed out look on his face. 

“I don’t blame you,” you said, stepping aside so the instructors could introduce themselves. You had to suppress an eye roll when Erwin kissed the older woman on the cheek and she pulled away blushing. Someone had to be immune to his charms and it was unfortunate that it wasn’t you.  

“You two make such a beautiful couple,” the lady said warmly as she led Erwin further into the room and you saw his face light up in the mirror that was parallel to you. 

“Oh, we’re n-”you started, but was swiftly interrupted by Erwin’s appreciative, “thank you.”

Maybe it was easier to indulge rather than explain in a roundabout way to strangers that you weren’t actually together. And that he actually had a boyfriend. Both of which you spend an alarming amount of time with. 

“If it sounds like dating and it looks like dating. It’s dating.”

Moblit’s words clanged around your skull like a ping pong ball gone rogue. The sharp sounds rang in your ears and you were dumbly frozen in place until Erwin turned towards you with an outstretched hand and a teasing, “are we gonna dance or are you too worried about stepping on my toes?”

Embarrassingly enough, you did step on Erwin’s toes. Not because you lacked the coordination or balance or rhythm, but because you were stiff as a board. He was impossibly close to you. One hand on the small of your back applied enough pressure to keep your bodies pressed together while his other hand held onto yours securely. It was a simple waltz, but you couldn’t concentrate on anything besides the way his firm body felt pressed up against the softness of yours. 

Finally, when you were awarded a short break as the instructors went over to choose another song, you all but pushed Erwin off of you so that you could inhale a breath that wasn’t stained with the smell of his cologne. He was smiling as if he was thoroughly enjoying himself. And looking at you as if he was privy to some sort of damning information about you. 

“You need to loosen up,” he said while stepping back into your space, his hands swiftly finding your shoulders and massaging the very present tension there. You sighed, the knot that settled near your neck forever ago being worked out by his attentive and strong fingers. “You know Levi can massage this out for you,” he added when he felt the obvious discomfort in your shoulders. 

“I’m not gonna bother him with that,” you shrugged Erwin off as you said it, inhaling another steadying breath. 

“It wouldn’t be a bother,” he chuckled, “we have a massage table in the guest room for a reason.”

You had never stepped foot in their guest room so that came as a surprise. “I’ll think about it,” you said, waving off the suggestion because downright refusing would only trigger his more persistent side. 

“Ok! Back to positions,” the woman called out, hands clapping together giddily. You recognized the song immediately. The first sounds of My All by Mariah Carey delicately filled the room and your spine tensed once again. You stopped yourself from groaning because out of all the songs this one had all the romantic yearning you could possibly imagine. And with Erwin’s hands on you again and your chest firmly secured against his, you had to close your eyes to steady the racing of your heart that you were sure he could feel pounding against his rib cage. 

“Relax,” he leaned over and whispered in your ear, his lips dangerously close to touching the shell of your ear as he squeezed your hand in an attempt to be reassuring. “Stop concentrating and let me lead you.”

You allowed your forehead to fall to his chest and swallowed down the apprehension that wasn’t allowing you to just enjoy the moment. Regardless of what Moblit said or how you felt for Erwin or Levi, you shouldn’t ruin the fragments of familiarity and intimacy offered by them. Whether it was their strange way of extending friendship or something much more complicated, you took it. You let Erwin lead you in a waltz. You relaxed your shoulders and when you took one last breath and looked up at him he was staring down at you with affection. Maybe tonight you would pretend– just as he had when you stepped in the room– that you really were a couple. That tonight instead of going home to a bed alone, you would feel the safety of two bodies beside you. In an ideal world it would be that simple. 

But reality had a sick way of reminding you that nothing was ever that simple. But a girl could dream. 

“Oh my god, look!” You said as you made your way to the car. There was a flower beginning to bloom right beside a tree. And even though snow hadn’t fallen in weeks, the dreadful chill persisted. And while the sun set hours later, spring had yet to reveal herself to you. 

Erwin stopped suddenly beside you, his arm bumping into your back from the abruptness of it. You were pointing excitedly at the flower. It was a tiny little thing with white petals. Nothing worth noting, really, but the stranger of hope began to introduce herself to you again. It was odd how something so seemingly insignificant made your heart grow in your chest. 

“Oh would you look at that,” he said, following the line of your finger with his eyes, “Levi’s gonna be happy about this. He’s been grumbling about his plants for the last month.”

“It’s how he relieves his stress,” you teased, smiling at the memory of Levi fussing over his herbs that sat in the kitchen window and cursing winter for overstaying its welcome. 

You heard Erwin scoff out a laugh beside you while unlocking the car as you approached. “I, personally, could think of far better ways to relieve stress,” he said as he reached around your shoulder to open the passenger side door for you. There was far more suggestion in his tone than you appreciated. And with how close his voice was to your ear again, you couldn’t suppress the shiver that went straight down your spine and scattered frenetically across your skin. 

The initiation of temptation had to be purposeful on his end. The lingering touches and over-indulgent words couldn’t be a coincidence and you were beginning to wonder if this was some game or if all three of you were treading across a tightrope that got thinner and thinner the further you balanced across. Someone was bound to fall first. And you were afraid it just might be you since you were barely hanging on as it was. 

But the fear of breaking after such a long fall was what kept your core tight and your body forcing your feet to remain unsteady on the rope. You were starting to believe, though, that neither Erwin nor Levi had those same priorities. Especially when, as you were stepping into the vehicle, Erwin leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss to the side of your head. It was so unexpected that it gave you pause, your foot braced on the floor of the car as you whipped your head to face him. He was smirking at you expectantly, eagerly awaiting your reaction like he was trying to bait you into something. 

And in your disheveled state most of the words you knew seemed to escape you. Yet, the only thing you could manage was a petulant, “leave that man and his hobbies alone. Don’t be nasty.”

His grin grew wildly into something wicked. Your stomach flipped and desire swirled around dangerously low in your gut. He nudged you into a seated position, your head bumping against the head rest before he grabbed the seatbelt and clicked it into place for you. When his face was merely a few inches from yours, his breath casting puffs of air across your lips, you were taken back to the evening on your couch with Levi. And you wondered if he knew what almost happened that night. But as much as you wanted to look up into his eyes for some sort of confirmation, they refused to stray from his lips. 

“Fine,” you saw his lips shift around the word seductively, “but just know my idea of stress relief is much more fun.”

He pushed himself off the center console, ducking out of your door and then shutting it behind him. You were startled in a way you couldn’t really describe. Desire flowed through your veins like fear. Lust drove through your heart like anxiety. And it was the most conflicting set of emotions you have ever had the displeasure of feeling. Because now he wasn’t even being secretive about it. 

And for the first time since befriending the neighborly couple, you were beginning to feel like you may be in over your head. 

“Ok,” you started as you strode into Moblit’s office at 8:06 am, exactly two minutes after you saw him enter the office. He barely had his things set down before you shut his door and closed the blind to the small window he had that overlooked the cubicles. 

“What’s with the secrecy?” He said, a bit concerned, but mostly amused. He was still shrugging off his coat when you started to pace. Which you knew wasn’t the best look, but after your evening with Erwin and then stealthily avoiding them for the rest of the weekend to protect your sanity after what you overheard after he dropped you off at your door. You knew you weren’t crazy regardless of how you absolutely, positively felt crazy. 

Erwin wouldn’t intentionally fuck his boyfriend loud enough for you to hear through the wall that separated your living room from their bedroom. He couldn’t possibly know you were even laying on your couch that night because you were too lazy to get up and drag your ass to bed because strangely enough the arches of your feet were sore from dancing in heels for an hour and a half. It had to be another coincidence. But you knew the mood Erwin was already in when you left the studio. He had reckless energy coursing through him the entire drive home. Even when you stopped to grab takeout on the way home, he still possessed that crackly, staticky spirit that had you shifting in your seat expectantly. 

So, you could confidently assume that he was horny. Especially with the way he carried himself with a sense of emboldened carelessness. He kissed you again on your doorstep, this time on your cheek and narrowly missing your lips so much so he might as well have kissed them. So, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when you were startled awake from a sleep you hadn’t realized you fell under to a thud. It was muffled and distant sounding. You knew it couldn’t have come from inside your apartment so you decided to ignore it and chalk it up to the sounds of the city. But then, as sleep threatened to pull you under again, you heard a groan and a creak. Realization flooded over you like a bucket of cold water. Goosebumps rose on your skin in recognition of what was occurring on the other side of the wall and a fierce blush blossomed on your cheeks. Your whole body rising in temperature and that strange feeling returned to your gut. 

The heels of your palms pressed into your eyes and you knew you should probably gather yourself and head to your bed. But when you heard another moan, this one longer and needier than the last, you struggled to come up with a good enough argument to actually get up. One that based itself on something other than this probably being morally wrong. Eavesdropping on your friends while they were clearly getting hot and heavy was not an appropriate way to end your evening, but the weight of your touch deprivation was burying you into the cushions beneath you. You couldn’t even remember the last time you touched yourself. With the chronic stress and anxiety that exhausted your body it was difficult to conjure up the energy to even get yourself off. 

But this, this fervent desire that had rooted itself in your bones hours ago due to Erwin’s blatant teasing, was nearly suffocating you. Maybe you shouldn’t have allowed your hand to trail down your abdomen, smoothing over your sleepshirt and slipping hesitantly between your thighs. And you shouldn’t have matched the pace of your fingertips rubbing greedy circles against your clit with the way their headboard thumped against the wall. You muffled your own moans with the back of your free hand, merely mimicking what you knew to be Levi’s voice groaning alongside what you could only assume was Erwin fucking him. 

Your imagination, as vivid as it was, was running away from you. The idea of Erwin and Levi together in any position you could pull from your own memory was sending a hurried flush over your skin. Lips on heated skin, hands kneading at reddened flesh, it was too much. You already knew how pretty Levi looked with rose-tinted cheeks and wine-stained lips, and you could nearly feel Erwin’s strong body cradling yours. Being held by him without the layers of thin clothing separating your sweat-dampened skin. It was surprising how close you were to finishing with only a few sticky strokes to your clit. The pent up sexual frustration evidently brought to its boiling point. 

All you could hear, all that was replaying in your mind as you came over your own fingers was Levi whining out Erwin’s name in desperation. The sound of his release was obvious when Erwin could only respond with a “yes, Levi” and the pace of the headboard hitting the wall quickened for a few seconds before everything went silent. 

You lied there in astonishment and shame. Your fingers wet with your own release and your body slightly sweaty from unexpected exertion. How were you going to face them again after that? When all you would be able to hear when they spoke to you was the gruffness of their moans and the noises they made as they came?

It would surely haunt your every conversation and interaction from now until forever. 

“Are you gonna talk or would you prefer to burn a hole into the rug with your incessant pacing?”

Moblit’s voice startled you straight out of your memory. Your orientation returned to you once you remembered you were in Moblit’s office on the verge of a nervous breakdown instead of post-orgasm and spiraling out on your own couch after listening to your best friends have sex. When you met Moblit’s gaze, his amusement diminished in favor of true concern. Maybe you also looked just as crazy as you felt. 

“I’m in big trouble,” you said, arms crossing and eyes averting to look out onto his view of the lake that was miles away but still visible through the spaces between the high rises. 

“Legal? Do you owe someone money?” He said, hands leaning onto his desk and it should’ve sounded like a joke but he was being utterly serious. 

“I don’t want to know why that was where your mind immediately went. Quite frankly, it scares me,” you said, expression a mixture of confusion and astoundment. “But no, I don’t owe anyone money. I just maybe haven’t been completely forthcoming about my current situation with Levi and Erwin.”

“You totally fucked, didn’t you?” He smirked at you like he knew it all along. Like you couldn’t possibly keep anything from him without him finding out in some way. Which should’ve agitated you more than it did, but you were too wrapped up in your mess to scold him over it.

“No!” You said louder than you intended, so you lowered your voice when you added, “we didn’t fuck. At this point, I think that would be the simpler situation.”

“I have a feeling you’re being a little dramatic,” he said softly, again acting as if having a threesome with your two closest friends who were in a years long relationship didn’t have the potential to ruin things to an atomic degree. 

“Ugh,” you sighed, deciding to sit down in one of the chairs in front of his desk. “A couple of weeks ago Levi and I almost kissed, and up until my date on Saturday with Erwin I was under the impression that he didn’t know about that given the fact that Levi and I have pretended it never happened. We were also high so I kinda thought he didn’t remember it.”

“So it was a date,” Moblit grinned, leaning back comfortably in his office chair as he looked directly at you. 

“Can you believe that his dad canceled on us at the last minute?” You complained, throwing your hands up in exasperation. “So, yes it very much felt like a fucking date. And it really messed with my head, especially because Erwin was being so…”

You allowed the sentence to hang there, not sure how to really describe Erwin’s behavior towards you that night. He was treating you like it was the early stages of a relationship. The unmistakable air of a date, the touching, the closeness. It was all so real and unplatonic-like. You groaned into your hands while your body fell deeper into the seat. 

“What do I do?” You emphasized whinily, peering at Moblit’s smug face between the cracks in your fingers. 

“Did Erwin make a move on you?” He asked simply, and you scrunched your face up in thought because the answer in your mind was yes, but the lines were blurry and you couldn’t see them clearly enough to come up with a straight answer. 

“I mean, how would you define ‘making a move’?” You thought back to the kisses he left on your temple and cheek, which he has done before. And the way his hands never strayed far from your body, whether it was your waist or the small of your back or even when he rested it on your knee on the drive there. You thought of his reassuring words and how he put your seatbelt on for you once you left the dance lesson. Those all felt like moves, but they also all felt like Erwin. 

And Erwin was handsy and clingy. 

“You know exactly how I would define it,” he replied dumbly and you fought the eye roll that always followed you whenever you spoke with Moblit. You loved him, but weren’t always too fond of him calling you out on your bullshit. 

“Fine, then yes, he was very,” you made weird grabby hands at Moblit, who frowned and tilted his head but seemed to understand what you were trying to convey. 

“Did he kiss you?”

“Not exactly.”

“Not exactly?”

“He kissed me like right here,” you pointed to the corner of your mouth and refused to make eye contact with him. You felt so juvenile and ridiculous. This was so much harder than having a teenage crush. So much worse too. 

And it was made even worse when you heard Moblit stifle a laugh. When you glared at him, he couldn’t suppress the cackle where it was currently lodged in his throat and slipped out in one absurd sound. 

“You’re so annoying,” you grumbled as you rose to your feet, fully intent on trudging back to your office and hiding out there for the rest of the day. 

“Wait,” he called after you, and you stubbornly turned around to face him again. “I’m gonna suggest something a little crazy… talk to them.”

“Why can’t you just let me be difficult?” You had to stop yourself from stomping one of your feet on the ground petulantly. 

“Because this isn’t as difficult as you’re making it, I promise.”

You heard the earnestness in his voice. He truly believed that this thing between you, Levi, and Erwin would work out. And you weren’t sure if he was delusional or if you were oblivious. But the ache in your chest only ever subsided when you were with them. The feelings you harbored could be one-sided but as each day ended and another began that didn’t seem like the case. Fear gripped you, though, tightly around the neck, squeezing your vocal cords together and refusing you to utter a word about your love for them. Your very real, awful, tragic, beautiful love for them. 

“What if I ruin it again?” You said barely above a whisper. You wanted to shrink into yourself. Nothing but raw insecurity ripped through you. “I can’t do that to myself again.”

[xoxoemynn]

Em!!

Hello lovely, I know I wrote you a lovely letter recently during your own love fest but I still wanted to pop in and say hi and spread some more love and give some hugs.

So, just to reiterate what I’ve said a million times before:

Thank you so much for sharing your work with us and for being so awesome and supportive. It’s so beautiful to have people like you in our fandom who do so much to help uplift others and stay positive. Honestly, idk how you do it sometimes, this world can be so nasty and whenever things kinda go sideways you’re always there with the just right thing to say to bring that little spark of hope back. For me at least.

Your post about the show yesterday really hit me hard bc I was feeling pretty low and it’s just nice to know that we have such passionate fans who are willing to stick around and keep this fandom running, even if we don’t get our show back.

Thank you again 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 I hope you have a lovely rest of your sunday evening. 💜

Awwww lovely, this is so extremely kind of you to say. And I'm glad you found comfort in that post. Truthfully, I do still circle through all the stages of grief in losing OFMD. Some days are better than others. I know everyone handles it differently — some people go full clown, others prefer to accept that it's over for good. We've all got to do whatever is best for our mental health. For me, that does mean keeping a bit of hope alive. That spark, no matter how faint it may be at times, is what keeps me going. I lose hope, I'm just straight into the abyss.

But hope doesn't just happen. You do have to nurture it. I've gotten much more protective of my fandom space since the cancellation. We live in a reality where it's very likely we will never get more canonical content for this show. Fandom is the only guarantee we have left, and even that will only last so long as we tend to it with love.

Because of that, it's just not fun to me to be a hater, or to spend time dwelling on the parts of the show/fandom that I dislike or wish would be different. It's just not interesting to me and, frankly, I think nearly every round of discourse we get is just a weak rehash of discourse we've been through a dozen times already and that's very boring to me. So I just don't engage. I block and filter liberally. If shit starts getting to me, I log off and come back when I'm ready.

I prefer to spend my time celebrating all the art and fic and meta that comes out of this fandom, or sharing fun head canons, or laughing at shitposts. And I have very selfish reasons for doing that because usually that inspires people to do MORE of it, so I get to enjoy it even MORE, even when I'm busy or emotionally drained and can't offer much myself.

It's a common phrase that you get out of fandom what you put into it, and I do think that's true, but I also think it's only half of the equation. I think you also get out of fandom what you take out of it. And so that's why I spend my time in places and with people that spark joy and creativity and love, because that fuels my own, and that's what keeps my spark of hope burning. That's what encourages me to continue sharing my love for the show and all the fans, because I see it in so many others. And if anybody or anything gets in the way of that? Fuck'em. They serve no purpose to me and are in fact counterproductive to the reason I'm in this fandom at all. Fare thee well.

And so when I see you going around spreading kindness, and dropping these really thoughtful notes in people's inboxes, and reaching out to people who are struggling, and leaving really sweet replies on posts and the BEST comments on fics? That's IT. That's what fandom is. That's the whole heart of it. That's what gives me hope. That's what keeps me going. That's what keeps me out of the abyss.

So thank YOU for all that you do, thank you for showing your love for the show, thank you for showing your love to the fans. That's why we're still here. And that's the only way we'll continue to be here years upon years after the Revenge sets sail for the final time. 💕

[sweet-honey-tears]

Remembering

Katsuki Bakugo x Self-Conscious!GenderNeutral Reader x Eijiro Kirishima

Mostly just Kat x Reader with a hint of Kiri. Still getting use to this kinda of writing, tips are always welcomed🤍🤍

Spelling is bleh and I’ll probably delete later idk- still not to comfy with this kinda writing.lol.

WARNING:Mention of self harm(scratching), tell me if I missed any!

Kat remembered the first day he met you like it was yesterday. ShittyHair had introduced him to you, if only by accident. The sounds of you two dumbasses' laughter filled the common area as you both walked in dripping water. The storm, which he warned ShittyHair about, had snuck up on both of you.

Bakugou remembered scoffing, all before his eyes landed on you. ShittyHair, being well ShittyHair, gave you his sweatshirt to try and protect you from the storm. It hung on your smaller limbs, dripping water onto the floor under you, a small puddle forming.

“Who’s extra?” The look had him, fuck his heart broke a little. You stopped laughing and instead shifted on your sopping shoes. When you side-eyed Kiri for help, fuck he hated it. Why hell did he feel like this for some dumbass extra!?

Kiri, being ever the savior of moments like these, threw his arm around you, yanking you to his side.

“Bakubro! This is y/n!” Bakugou remembered hearing the name before. Mina kept droning on about some extra she met at a concert. Their quirk could manipulate moods through their singing. Then Denki, Kiri, and Sero met you at the park. Mina pointed you out, and Denki, being the dumbass he was, scared the shit out of you by yelling your name. Sero had told him the story to Denki’s embarrassment.

Bakugou to his credit, didn’t scoff or glare at you. “Fuck’in mermaid” he grumbled, before to his shock, his hand moved out, waiting. He remembered the look in your eyes, how they sparkled a bit at the offer. Your cold, clammy hand shaking his own warm, rougher one. Fuck, they were so cold. “You dumbasss go change, your dripping water everywhere.”

Then there was that moment Kiri told him more about you. It was 8 months after he first met you. You were passed out on the floor, Mina laying across you and Sero and Denki asleep on the other couch. It was quiet, just Kiri and him watching some shitty horror movie. A predictable scream rattled from the film and then Kiri spoke.

“I don’t want to sound unmanly-but I... Bakugou need you to not tell anyone this.” The look in Kiri's eye was haunted. Weight, so much weight. The weight landed on his own heart too after that. You were self-conscious. It’s why Kiri and you clicked, bonding over the feeling of being less than. You told Kiri about how you were scared of weight, gaining any. You were petrified of failure, of falling behind and being left alone by friends again. How you clawed at yourself when you were younger because you hated your body, your quirk. You had a drawback, a major one. You would feel emotionally drained or shitty about yourself if you overused it in the slightest. Bakugou gazed down at your sleeping form. You were softer than the rest of them, sure, but you weren’t training to be a hero. You were going into psychology. Your classes were about the psyche, the brain, trauma, and whatever the fuck else.

“Fucking dumbass” he whispered.

“Bakugou-” Kiri’a voice was sharp, a warning sort of tone. There was a pause of silence.

“I like the shitty mermaid.” He growled into his palm. He had started to already regret the words when Kiri blurted out.

“I do too”

It was a year and a half after graduation. You had pretty much been living at his and Kiri’s shared apartment.

It had been midnight, way past his usual bedtime. But you were up, you had called him and he had fucking answered. It was one of those rare nights you weren’t sleeping there, and you hadn't gone out with one of them. Instead, you were dragged to some stupid club with one of your coworkers. In a flurry of tears, you spoke to him, about something he couldn’t understand. And then the words ‘fatass’ and ‘I’m an idiot’ left your lips and it clicked. Kiri told him about these calls. Days or nights you drowned in your thoughts, but they usually happened because of your quirk. What the fuck happened? Why would you use it at a club?

Bakugo had been reminded of the fact you usually reached out to Kirishima. He was softer and able to talk you down better than himself. Kiri was also more likely to be awake too. But Kirishima was on a mission.

Bakugou didn’t enjoy speeding, but fuck he could care less at the moment. Fuck the law.

The moment Bakugou reached the club he saw you. You looked like a wounded animal as you moved to him. Head hung low and your fingers clenched at your sides. You had been protecting yourself, trying to comfort yourself. The Bouncer gave Bakugou the most pitiful look he had ever seen from someone in that profession give. Fuck.

The ride to his and Kiri's apartment was mostly quiet, with you sniffling apologies every so often. When you both entered, it only took 5 minutes for him to get you to start talking. You were crying, sniffling, and pacing around. You blubbered about how you were stupid, ugly, and useless. Sentences weaved together till he gathered this: They made you use your quirk. They forced you to sing them into some frenzy bullshit at the club before pushing you out. Calling you a name he couldn’t and didn’t want to remember.

Bakugou can’t remember much after that, but you were shaking in his arms, allowing them to cage you in.

“You’re a fucking dumbass, ya know that?” he gruffed. He felt your hiccup, the tug of your hands on his sleeping shirt. “You can’t see shit, even after all these years. You’re fucking beautiful” his arms had pulled you incredibly close. “Ya’ant stupid,” he had mused, his rough fingers moving in circles on your back. “You’re fucking brilliant. And beautiful.” He stopped, cotton filling his mouth. “And I fucking like you- you Shitty mermaid.”

About a year after that-

Kiri had been there to help you move in with them.

[daryl-dixon-daydreams]

Words: 2,701 Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Reader Reader pronouns: she/her Era: Alexandria, pre-Negan Warnings: scary imagery, language, typical TWD, nothing particularly bad in this chapter! Summary: Y/N and Daryl sort through their feelings after the previous day and head up to the overlook to see what they can see in the valley below. A/N: [TW in this note: loss of beloved pet, grief] Well, I finally managed it. After a necessary hiatus, I finally was able to get this update finished. Last night, I wrote about 200 words, sobbed, and then finished the chapter. Strider is based on my beloved black lab Aldo who passed away unexpectedly in July due to an antibiotic resistant infection that ultimately damaged one of his heart valves. He was only 7. Writing this fic is emotionally draining for me. It causes me to reflect on my own loss of a pup who should be here still but isn't. Updates may be a bit slow because of that, but I have more of Y/N and Daryl's story to tell, so on we go...

A/N: This is part of a series! You can find all the previous parts on my Master List.

Previous Chapter

Your name: submit What is this?

“Are you sure yer ready for this?” Daryl asked you for maybe the hundredth time. “I just mean—yer leg, ya know?”

You were sitting on the bench pulling on the last of your winter gear. You finished lacing your boots securely and stood, giving him a small smile and a hearty nod. “I’m sure. Would you quit worrying so much?”

He brushed a hand back through his hair as he watched you shoulder your heavy pack. Loaded with gear for the long hike ahead. “ ‘M’sorry. I’m just—”

“Making sure,” you finished for him, your hand on the door handle. “I know. But I can do it. I’m a pretty good judge of my own abilities, Daryl,” you said, a light lilt in your voice. “It’s sort of how I’ve lasted this long.”

“I know. I know…” he drawled again, ducking his head. “I ain’t questionin’ yer abilities. I ain’t doubtin’ ya. ‘M just—”

“Worrying,” you finished for him again. You nodded, still smiling. “I know. But we’ve got this. If I need to rest on the way up, I’ll rest. Now, come on.” You whistled and the dogs, who had been pacing around impatiently bounded out through the front door as you pulled it open. You grabbed a pair of trekking poles that were leaned up against the cabin and stopped on the top step of the deck, looking out at the sun sparkling on the snow. It had been smoothed by an icy wind overnight and looked like a clean, white blanket. You took mental inventory of your gear one more time and then stepped into the deep snow.

Daryl was trailing behind you and you glanced back at him over your shoulder, slowing up to wait, a small smile still on your face. “Are you hiding back there?” you asked him. “Or just guarding the rear?”

Daryl lifted his gloved hand off the handle of his knife and came along side you. “No,” he drawled.

You started forward again, watching the dogs bounding playfully in front. Bear was carving a straight track toward the trail that would lead you up toward the overlook. Strider was quartering in front of you a short distance away, moving left then swinging around and running back to the right, nose in the snow, tail flagging happily. His face was already dusted with snow.

“You’ve been a bit quiet,” you commented, hazarding a sideways glance at Daryl.

He kept striding forward, his bright blue eyes narrowed a little in the sun and snow glare. He gulped. He was trying to come up with a response to that but his mind seemed to be a blank slate.

“Since I kissed you yesterday, I mean,” you said suddenly.

Daryl took a stutter step in the snow and you stopped abruptly and turned to face him completely. You were looking at him expectantly. “Uhh—” Great. That’s what he managed to get out. ‘Uhh.’

Your eyes were bright and perceptive, and you looked pretty much the opposite of how he felt. “Is there something on your mind about it? Maybe we should talk about it?”

Daryl was a swirl of nerves. You’d kissed him. He’d kissed you. He’d kissed you again. You’d slipped your fingers between his. Then the two of you had spent what turned out to be a largely normal evening together in the cabin. Sure, maybe you would touch him lightly on the shoulder or rest your fingers on his arm for a moment. Or you’d leaned your body into his as you reached for something in the cabinet he was standing in front of… and yes, those little contacts with you were setting him ablaze even more than usual—but beyond that… had anything really changed? He couldn’t be entirely sure that there was anything more frequent or more heated about those little touches. Was that kiss, your confession of your feelings for him, just a spur of the moment whim that maintained no momentum, had no traction? He was consumed with doubt.

Maybe he should have kissed you again when you’d said goodnight to each other… it’d felt like being on a different planet when he’d retired to his room and you’d slipped into yours. He’d laid awake a large part of the night, his mind swirling with disbelief and fears and hopes and voices from his past that he could never quite banish.

“Daryl,” you said again, gently prodding him. Fuck. How long had he been staring vacantly?

“Nah, ‘s’nothin’,” he drawled. He was caught off guard with you bringing it up so bluntly and abruptly.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I think I’m still processing everything, too. But if there’s something bothering you—”

Daryl cleared his throat and started forward again. You fell into stride next to him again, still glancing over and trying to get a read on him. “I think ‘m just stuck on… logistics,” he said.

Now your brow furrowed. “Logistics,” you repeated. You shook your head, clearly confused. “What—I don’t know what that means.”

Daryl hummed a vague noise and started forward again. “ ‘S’nothin’. I think we should just—ya know, just focus on gettin’ up to this overlook and seein’ what we see.”

You didn’t respond and Daryl could see you still puzzling over his response. He sighed heavily, worried he’d crushed your previously high-spirited mood. “Fuck,” he muttered. “‘M sorry. I shouldn’ta even mentioned anything.”

You glanced back over at him. “You didn’t. I asked. I just—I feel like something is on your mind and if there’s something I can do to lift it—”

“‘S’nothin’. Really,” he drawled, but you still looked unconvinced. He stopped when he felt you gently grip his arm a moment later.

“Do you want to kiss me again?” you asked him, your eyes fixed on his face, your expression open and earnest.

He did. Of course he fucking did. He nodded.

You smiled. The light in your eyes seemed to sparkle. “Then kiss me,” you said.

“Righ’ now?” he asked, a kneejerk response.

“No, next Tuesday,” you joked. “Yes, right now.” Daryl still hesitated. You stepped closer to him. “I can tell that you’re worrying about something that isn’t these fucked up runners or whatever. And it obviously has to do with yesterday. But let me just tell you that I meant what I said. And I wanted you to kiss me goodnight last night. And I want you to kiss me now. And I feel every inch of space between us like it’s a mile. And I don’t see that changing anytime soon. So,” you grabbed onto the front of his borrowed jacket, “I don’t know what we’re going to find when we get to the overlook. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I don’t think any of that matters. The logistics? We can figure those out as we go. So, if you want this the way I do, the way I said yesterday and the way I still mean now—just get out of that head of yours.”

He nodded and his expression looked lighter. You smiled and his heart fluttered that it was for him, that you were looking at him like that, and that you hadn’t changed your mind. “So… s’alrigh’ then if I kiss ya?”

Your smile widened and you felt a burst of warmth in your chest, right between your lungs, and it seemed to glow outwards. “Pretty much whenever you want to,” you said. You let out a peal of laughter as he suddenly tugged you into him with an arm around your back.

“Ya might regret that,” he drawled, brushing the rosy glow on your cheek lightly with the back of his fingers. “I think about kissin’ ya and holdin’ ya all the time.”

You grinned. “Prove it.”

He leaned down and found your lips with his. It was better than a shot of bourbon or slipping into a hot bath—it warmed you from the inside out and you felt dazed by the time you were interrupted.

Strider had barreled in between the two of you and was wagging his tail and darting back and forth. You laughed and pet his silky head. “I think someone is jealous,” you said. Bear was standing nearby, watching thoughtfully with his bright eyes. “Someones…” you added.

Daryl bent to scratch Strider’s chest and the lab leaned into it. “I know, bud. Ya were here first, but I’mma need ya to just share a little bit,” he said. He glanced back up at you and his heart swelled. He felt a hundred times lighter than he had since he’d gone to bed anxious the previous night.

“Come on. We better make tracks if we hope to be back before dark,” you said, tilting your head in the direction of the trail. Daryl and the dogs followed suit.

_ _ _ _ _ _ You were nearly to the overlook but your leg had started cramping. Both of you were out of breath from the steepness of the climb. The dogs, on the other hand, hardly seemed to notice the mileage or incline. You pulled in a deep breath and headed toward a boulder at the side of the trail. The deep snow and terrain were taking their toll. Daryl helped you ease down to sit for a minute.

His brow was heavily creased. “Ya alrigh’?”

You nodded and drew in some more steadying breaths. “Yeah. I just need to rest it for a minute.” You rubbed a hand over your leg. It felt a bit shaky and every once in a while, the muscle would cramp sending a searing pain that shot up into your stomach. You breathed through it as Daryl looked on, worried. “I’m good,” you said. “It’s easing up already.”

You took a moment to breathe the chill air in deeply, filling your lungs as much as they would allow. Daryl was watching you while you were watching the scenery. “It’s really beautiful, isn’t it?” The trees looked like they all had been individually iced with snow, they were so perfect.

“It is,” Daryl said. You realized he wasn’t looking at the views and your face flushed.

You sighed one more time and gave your leg one final rub. “Okay. I think I’m ready. Let’s keep going.”

No sooner had you spoken those words than a corpse rose suddenly out of the snow right beside you, grappling at your shoulder with tremendous speed and strength. You let out a yell and slipped from your seat into the snow beside the boulder to get away. Daryl was instantly there with his knife, landing a strike to the head and stilling the thing completely. The dogs had run over barking at the commotion from their guarding places and were now sniffing intensely in the snow nearby. Bear stopped to lick your face where you were still on the ground, a hand clutched to your racing heart.

“Jesus fucking Christ! I fucking hate those things!” you exclaimed.

Daryl helped pull you up. “Me too. How the fuck are they just waitin’ in the snow like that?” he shook his head. “Ain’t right…”

You finished dusting the snow off. “None of this is right. We’ve come up at least another 1,800 feet in elevation. That thing should have been frozen solid three times over.” You glanced around, uneasy. The dogs were still on high alert too.

Daryl wiped his knife blade on his pants and replaced it in its sheath. “Ya okay?”

You nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Just nearly gave me a heart attack…” you trailed off, glancing up the trail ahead. “We’re almost there. Let’s keep going.”

Daryl fell into step beside you. “At least the way back is all downhill,” he said. For some reason this made you laugh and he gave you a questioning look.

“Oh, it’s just—Brian used to say that a lot,” you said.

“Mm,” Daryl nodded. “Might be where I got it from. Mountains back home ain’t this big, but we’ve got ‘em. And they’re older than these. Way older… Least, that’s what he told me.”

“Really?”

Daryl nodded. “Yeah. Ya couldn’t get him to quit ‘bout rocks and shit like that,” he drawled, a vague smile on his face. “Once he started, ya just had to let him run outta steam.” You laughed at that. Same Brian. “But he told me the Appalachian range is older than the Atlantic Ocean. Older than bones. I thought he was just sayin’ shit, ya know? But he explained it. They existed before bones even evolved.”

You were smiling at Daryl serenely again, and hearing something so normal about your brother again soothed your nerves from the runner that had just appeared and what you were going to find at the top of this trail…

“If we could set the world right, back the way it was before all this, and you could snap your fingers and be anything, what would you be?” you asked. The crunch of the snow beneath your boots was setting a satisfying rhythm, and you found that your leg wasn’t tired anymore.

Daryl chewed his bottom lip for a moment and shrugged. “I dunno,” he hummed.

“Oh, come on! Sure you do!” you prodded him.

He thought about it for another long moment. “Well. I guess if I could be anything… I woulda liked to design and build custom bikes. Work with my hands, ya know? I dun think I’d be any good at studyin’ like you or Brian were.”

“I think you could do whatever you decided to,” you said. “But hey—you could still design and build custom bikes now. Just is probably a bit harder,” you said thoughtfully.

Daryl rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Yeah, I, uhh—I did kinda. My bike is somewhere down at the bottom of the damn mountains,” he said with a wry laugh. “I built it back home with a bunch of spare parts and—anyway, it’s what got me out here.”

“Are you serious? It’s just sitting down there somewhere?”

“Yeah. I tried to leave it in a safe place but who knows… could only get so far in the snow on a motorcycle.”

“Well, we should go get it. When the snow is gone, we’ll go find it,” you said, as if that was a perfectly easy task.

Daryl glanced over at you and laughed, shaking his head. “Just like that?”

“Yeah. Why not? Between the two of us badasses I’m sure we can manage,” you said with a grin.

God, Daryl loved to see the light in you shining like this. It seemed to be glowing through more and more these days. “Alrigh’. Then we’ll find it. If ya say so.”

You nodded. “I do.” You glanced ahead as the two of your rounded a curve. You pointed with your trekking pole to a very obvious rock formation just ahead. “There. That’s the overlook. There’s a natural window in the rock. You can see the whole valley.”

Daryl followed you the final stretch up. The trail had narrowed and was switchbacks cutting across the mountainside, carving through the wind-stunted trees and rocks. Finally, the two of you stepped onto the stone, largely protected from snow by the natural arch above.

You set your pack down and pulled the spotting scope and tripod from inside and started setting it up. Daryl was already scrutinizing the trees and plains below, but the distance was so great he couldn’t really make anything out beyond the winding elbows of the rivers and streams and a few distant buildings. “Okay,” you mused. “Let’s see just how screwed we are…”

[irondad-defensesquad]

The perks of being a wallflower - Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Also on AO3! (Starts from first chapter)

TRIGGER WARNINGS (for this chapter) - mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harm

DO NOT SHIP PETER AND TONY. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

Weird. Apparently, the kid left earlier today, according to Happy. Peter is in school.

Tony has been feeling a little guilty for telling Peter to go to bed the way he did. Although Peter wasn’t in any condition to be in the workshop, the teen looked pretty drained. Not just physically but emotionally as well.

Thus, Tony thought he could make some nice breakfast for Peter. But then he found the boy’s bedroom empty. Peter must have left in a rush since he left his room messy. It’s not like him to leave without saying anything to Tony.

Regardless, the man starts organizing Peter’s things, like the bed and the abandoned clothes everywhere. The entire time, Tony tries to figure out what’s going on.

That is, when a white envelope lying on Peter’s desk catches his attention. Especially the big “Mr. Stark” written on it.

Huh, so he left Tony a letter? Peter usually texts him or calls him when he needs Tony.

The man carefully opens it, finding a handwritten letter. It looks messy but still readable. And the paper seems to have… dried teardrops. Quite a few of them.

“Dear Tony,

Dear Mr. Stark,

I’m so sorry I was messing everything up in the lab. I didn’t mean to make you angry.

I’m not feeling very good lately, for some reason. I mean, everything is better now, right? I love coming over and building things with you. That’s my favorite part of the week. But I’ve been feeling so bad, worse than I’ve felt in a while. I wanted to cry so badly and I didn’t want you to see me like this, because it’s not your fault, Mr. Stark.

I’m so tired. I want to die again. Or cut myself again. But F.R.I.DA.Y would let you know and you would probably get angrier with me.

So I’m gonna leave in the morning, okay? Maybe I should be alone for a while. You don’t want to deal with me like this. Again, I’m really sorry I ruined our time together.

I guess I’ll see you around.

Love Sincerely,

Peter”

…

Oh my god.

This is why Peter was feeling so off yesterday. Tony just assumed Peter was being irresponsible and not getting enough sleep. But the signs were so clear. And Tony didn’t even bother to check in on the kid.

He immediately takes his phone again to text Peter. He decides not to call in case Peter is in class right now.

Tony: Hey kid

Tony: You’re at school, right?

Well, the GPS says he’s in Midtown. Then again, Peter could abandon his phone somewhere or hack it like he did his Spider-Man suit before. In the meantime, Tony asks Happy if the driver noticed anything off about Peter. Happy only says that he noticed the kid was quieter than usual, but he just assumed Peter was tired.

Eventually, probably during Peter’s morning break, Tony gets a reply.

Peter: sup

Peter: yeah why?

Thank goodness.

Tony: I was just wondering if we could grab a bite after school’s over. Sounds fun, right?

The typing dots take a while to appear.

Peter: uh sure

Peter: is everything ok mr stark?

Tony: Of course, kiddo. I just miss you.

Peter: you literally saw me yesterday

Tony: Well, you left without even eating my masterchef breakfast.

Peter: you always burn the pancakes lol

Tony: Shush, that only happened once.

Peter may be joking around but Tony knows better than that.

Tony: Okay, I’ll pick you up then we can eat whatever you want. Sounds good?

Peter: ok mr stark

Tony: Alright. Sorry to bug you. See you later, kid.

Peter: see ya

Now Tony will only see Peter at 3 PM. He’ll just have to know what he’s going to do when they see each other again.

--

Tony is waiting inside the car, watching all the kids leaving school. Then he sees Peter talking to Ned. He’s smiling and laughing with his best friend. It all feels like any ordinary day… except Tony is keeping Peter’s letter with him.

Peter and Ned do that handshake of theirs, not without Ned staring at Tony’s car with amazement. He waves hello despite not being able to see Tony from outside due to the windows.

Regardless, Peter gets in the car with his usual casual smile. Though he seems a little suspicious of Tony’s sudden invitation.

“Hey, Mr. Stark,” Peter says regardless.

“Hey, kid. Did you have a good day?”

“I guess so.”

Tony is unable to really hide his concern, so Peter’s smile fades quickly.

“Okay, Mr. Stark, what’s all this about?” He doesn’t ask impatiently, he just doesn’t understand. He’s not even expecting Tony to apologize to him for being rude to Peter. Because he believes it’s his fault for not feeling well.

Tony sighs deeply, taking a moment before revealing the envelope, which was carefully closed again.

“... I read your letter.”

Peter’s eyes widen like never before. He snatches the envelope quickly.

“What?! No, you weren’t”– Peter looks like he wants to tear the letter into pieces –“You weren’t supposed to read it!”

“What do you mean? It was on your desk and it had my name,” Tony gently points out.

“No, I forgot it there! I was supposed to take it with me!”

“But you still wanted to tell me something, right?”

Peter groans, angrier at himself than anything. Tony almost puts a hand on his shoulder but he doesn’t know if that’s going to help.

“This is so embarrassing,” the teen says, wanting to cry.

“Kid–”

“No, I mean…”

Peter takes a deep, shaky breath.

“Ever since I was a kid, I would… write letters to you. I did send you the first ones but that was a long time ago. I knew you wouldn’t reply ‘cause you had more important things to do… but I kept writing more and more, imagining you’d be able to read them somehow. These letters got a lot more personal and no one else knew about them, not even Aunt May or Ned… or my uncle. I stopped writing them when I became Spider-Man because I wouldn’t really have time, and well… I got to know you, so why keep writing letters, right?”

The teenager starts letting out tears. He tries to hide them.

“But this last week… I dunno what happened. I started feeling really bad again. I was afraid of telling you that and I screwed up. So I thought it’d be better if I left before I ruined everything for good.”

Now, Tony squeezes his shoulder.

“Peter…”

“I-I didn’t, like… plan to do anything against myself. But I’m still thinking about it. Things are gonna get bad again and I don’t want them to. I wish I could stop it for once.”

The moment Peter starts sobbing, Tony pulls him in a hug.

“I-I’m sorry, Mr. Stark. I’m sorry I’m such a mess…”

“Shhh… I’m sorry I got angry with you, kid. I should’ve talked to you.”

“It’s not your fault…”

“It’s not your fault, kid. You deserve to be heard.”

Peter is shaking his head but he’s not protesting. His tensions slowly disappear as he returns the hug. He just sinks in it completely, like he’s been wanting a hug from Tony for years.

“You can tell me when you’re not feeling well. I promise I’ll listen and try to help you,” the man reassures him.

“I just don’t wanna lose you, Mr. Stark…”

“You won’t. I’ll be here for you, okay?”

Peter lets go of a breath he’s been holding back this whole time.

“Okay.”

Tony squeezes him a little tighter.

Eventually, they let go.

Peter’s face is tear-stained and red all over. He’s contemplating the envelope in his hands, not wanting to destroy it anymore.

“So… you mean you wrote more letters to me?” Tony asks.

“Oh, man… I wrote a lot. And they’re so embarrassing. If you already find my rambles annoying, they only get worse in the letters.”

“Well, I love your rambles, kid.”

Peter smiles shyly.

“I think I lost some with how often I moved,” he reflects. “But most of them are with me.”

“Hmm.”

Silence.

“... do you really want to read them?” Peter doubts.

“Only if you’re alright with it. I would love to know you better, but you don’t need to show them to me if you’re not comfortable.”

There’s a spark in Peter’s eyes, which must come from his child self, that actually really wants Tony to know what he has in mind. The kind of things he couldn’t translate into any other way.

“I could… um… send them to you at some point. There are a lot of letters. It’s okay if you can’t read all of them and like I said, they’re really cringy and dumb.”

“You’re not dumb.”

“Still, Mr. Stark.”

“That’s because you haven’t seen my letters. I’m actually bad at them.”

Peter rolls his eyes at his mentor, who takes them to Delmar’s. They get some sandwiches and chat for a bit. Then Tony points out Peter shouldn’t be on his own when he has suicidal or self-harming thoughts. Especially considering May hasn’t been home often due to her night shifts. Therefore, Tony offers Peter to stay with him for a while, so he has company and safety. There are also doctors that can help him if Peter needs them.

Tony admits he’s a little surprised that the boy accepts the offer. But of course, he’s relieved that Peter is accepting help.

His stay lasts a week or so. Peter slowly feels better again, so he goes back home, promising he’ll keep in touch.

Soon, Tony receives a huge box of letters.

Peter jokes with a sticky note, “Careful! Fragile”.

Tony will certainly read all of these.

--

Dear Peter,

Hey, buddy! I’m only a couple years late. Better now than never, right?

I’ve read nearly all of your letters and I will finish the remaining ones. I am definitely going to reply to every single one of them, just you wait. But I would like to tell you a few things first.

I want to thank you for all your letters and for sending them to me. I’m glad I could help you feel less lonely in a way. I know you don’t have it easy, kid.

I also wanted to remind you, it’s not your fault. You were struggling with so many things at once, especially with your powers. You always did the best you could, and you keep doing your best. You don’t know how proud I am of you.

Finally, thank you for being you. You are so talented, Peter. My greatest honor is getting to know you, including your sad parts. You can trust me with them. I hope I never make you doubt that again.

Many hugs,

Tony

P.S.: Do you still have that mini arc reactor you built? That would be the greatest birthday present ever.

P.S.2: Do you have your camera? I want to see your photos as well. Hell, when I thought you couldn’t be more talented…

[bellofthemeadow]

Summer of '03 | Joel Miller x Female Reader

Chapter 2 - The Garden Party

Series Masterlist | Previous Chapter

Rating: M for Mature (18 + no minors allowed)

Word Count: 6K

Warning: All warnings on the Series Masterlists, will update if necessary (Re-iterating, no minors allowed! Thank you)

Chapter Summary: The annual neighbourhood garden party is the last place you want to attend as the new gal in town. But you spot Joel Miller in the corner who gives you a rather charming smile. Maybe things are finally looking up!

Notes: Hey everyone, its been a minute! I am really sorry for the delay for the chapter, but life has been insanely busy! Between work, preparing grad applications and the upcoming semester, I have not had a minute for me. Also, this chapter was really hard to write, I've been trying to make my interactions more natural and its SO HARD!

I hope you all enjoy the chapter and like always thank you to everyone who liked and commented previously, I live for all your feedbacks! If you wanted to be tagged, let me know and I'll be really happy to add you to my taglist :D Take care everybody!!!

Taglist: @brittmb115 , @bitchwitch1981, @kittenlittle24 , @casa-boiardi

As the morning sun crept through the curtains, you woke up completely groggy. The oppressive feeling was eerily reminiscent of your late teens when you'd sneakily raid your dad's liquor cabinet for a swig of that fancy cognac. You groaned and snuggled your head further on the pillow. Note to self: "Never again mix wine with emotions” The fight with Joel last night had left you emotionally drained, and the contradictory desire/hate combo that was swirling inside you further accentuated that hangover feeling you were experiencing. And on retrospect, mixing wine into the already boiling pot of emotional turmoil had not been a great idea.

Getting up slowly, you shuffled your way into the bathroom, urgently seeking relief from that awful pasty feeling in your mouth. With your teeth brushed and the unpleasantness washed away, you returned to your room. Feeling a bit daring, you cracked open the bedroom window. And what do you know? A wonderful gust of fresh air greeted you, like the universe had just dropped a perfect little slice of heaven right at your doorstep.

Your hangover momentarily forgotten, you dashed to put on your cutest co-ord yoga outfit – a playful pink ensemble sprinkled with little white dots that made you feel like your best Barbie self. You unfurled your yoga mat, eagerly anticipating the next 45 minutes of respite from thinking about one Joel Miller. As you were bending down in some stretches, your peaceful bubble was abruptly shattered by a relentless assault of knocks on the front door. Seriously, universe? Can't a person downward dog in peace?

Letting out an annoyed huff, you marched towards the front door and yanked it open, fully prepared to tear into any doorstep salesman audacious enough to disturb someone at 8:45 on a Saturday morning.

Your annoyance faded as soon as it appeared because right in front of you stood a very sheepish-looking Sarah Miller, dressed in cute white shorts and a purple cap-sleeve shirt. A broad smile lit up her face as you opened the door. You arched an eyebrow, crossing your arms playfully before teasingly asking, "I thought you weren't supposed to come around here from now on?" Sarah's response was an Olympic-worthy eye roll; the sass was strong with this one.

"I don't know what's up with my dad, he was so out of line last night! Uncle Tommy says that he's got a stick up his ass, and honestly, truth!" You burst out laughing before herding her inside.

"Ah well, men are from a completely different planet. I stopped trying to decode their language a long time ago" you giggled with her.

Sarah suddenly had a very vulnerable look etching itself on her face. "I was afraid you wouldn't want to hang out with me after yesterday. I would totally understand if you didn't want to; my dad can be a lot sometimes. Like I love him and everything, but he really needs to chill." You smiled and reassuringly bumped your shoulder with hers.

"Hey, don't sweat it, alright? I loved hanging out with you yesterday, and your dad's grouchy grandpa routine isn't going to change that. Now that school is over, maybe you could come around more, we could hang out and stuff. If you aren’t busy of course, I cant imagine that youd want to spend all of your time with your boring old neighbour!"

Sarah's smile could light up the whole of Austin with how bright it got. "I'd love that! I have a babysitting gig for most of the summer, but I'll be free every day after 3 pm, and Dad works late, so we can hang out then..." Sarah kept rambling about how excited she was, and you couldn't help but smile fondly.

"Still, now we'll make sure that Joel knows when you come over; don't want to give him another excuse to hate me, you know. He’s got a big enough list already" Sarah acquiesced quickly, "Don't worry, my dad's gonna come 'round. He likes playing the overprotective Texas man, but inside he's like a big mush of jello."

 You couldn't help but snort at her words; many words came to mind when you think of Joel Miller, but "mushy," "soft," and "jello" would definitely not be contenders. Words like "intimidating," "broad," and "grumpy" would more accurately describe the man. And the sneakier voice in the back of your head would go even further and kept traitorously adding explicit descriptives that you couldn’t take out of your mind; “sexy” “arousing” and “daddy” were just a few. But you would deny ever having those thoughts until your grave. It didn’t matter how hot and steamy Joel Miller was, he was first and foremost a Grade-A asshole.

But when you looked at Sarah, who was so sweet and lively, you found it hard to believe that Joel Miller could truly be as terrible as he appeared. After all, he was the one who had raised her, wasn't he? Just the previous day, Sarah had disclosed to you that Joel was a single dad, which might account for his long hours and the fatigued yet determined countenance he wore. Observing him leaving his house in the morning, you were reminded of an old drawing you had come about in your grandma’s library when you were a child. You remember spending hours overlooking the printed carving depicting Atlas shouldering the world's weight as if an immense burden rested on his shoulders. The roles of provider, nurturer, and protector seemed etched into his demeanor – qualities, you imagined, he sought to embody for his daughter. It couldn't be easy, day in and day out.  If only he was less of a dick, you would bequeath those qualities to the man: dedicated, protective, nurturer. A shame he had the personality of a constipated rottweiler.

You smiled at Sarah and gestured toward the living room. "I was about to do some yoga, you want in?"

"I don't have a mat," Sarah replied.

"Lucky for you, I have two," you winked at her. When you decided to move to Austin, you’d never be able to guess that your new best friend would be a 14-year-old girl.

"Come on, you can't miss it! It's going to be so much fun, and literally everyone will be there!" Sarah exclaimed, her excitement only adding to the throbbing headache you were developing.

You hesitated, trying to find the right words to decline politely. "Well, you know, big meetups really aren't my scene…" In truth, the idea of spending your entire Sunday afternoon at the annual neighbourhood cookout in Didi Roberts' backyard didn't appeal to you at all. The Robertsons' legendary BBQ supposedly marked the beginning of every summer and was the talk of the neighbourhood, but for you, it was more like an anxiety-inducing spectacle to avoid at all cost. As the new face on the block, you could already hear a million questions coming your way - something you'd much rather steer clear of. The prospect of being surrounded by a sea of unfamiliar faces, engaging in small talk, and participating in group activities made you feel slightly uneasy. After all, you had come to cherish the quiet Sundays you've enjoyed since moving to Austin, spending them with a good book, relaxing in the backyard pool with Sarah, or strolling through the nearby park.

“I don’t think I want to have a bunch of people asking me a bunch of questions, Sarah, you know what I mean?” Sarah clucked her tongue, putting a stray curl behind her ear as she turned toward you. Both of you were lounging in the backyard, savouring the last rays of the sun before Joel would be due home. “Nah, people won’t care. Didi’s husband left her like 2 months ago, and no one knows why!!! People are gonna be way more interested in that drama than you moving in, trust me!”

You chewed your lips as you considered Didi's new divorce proceedings being in full swing. You couldn't help but wonder why she would be so adamant to host regardless. Perhaps it was out of habit, an attempt to maintain a sense of normalcy in the midst of what you heard to be a complete shit show of a divorce. Or maybe it was an act of defiance, showing everyone that she was doing just fine despite her husband leaving her for his secretary. The jury was still out on that.

Despite your best efforts to stand your ground, Sarah's contagious enthusiasm was proving to be a formidable opponent, gradually wearing down your resistance. For every argument you put forth, she effortlessly offered a counter, until finally, your resolve began to crumble, and you found yourself giving in.

"Well, okay, I guess I could drop by for a little while," you finally conceded, a soft smile escaping as Sarah's triumphant expression lit up her face.

"Awesome! You won't regret it, I promise!" Sarah assured you, wrapping you in a tight hug.

This was how you ended up in a large backyard, full to the brim with the entire neighbourhood on a blisteringly hot Sunday afternoon. The sun beat down relentlessly, casting a golden hue on the lively scene before you. Laughter and chatter filled the air, accompanied by the tantalizing aroma of grilled meats and sizzling vegetables.

As you stepped into the midst of the gathering, you couldn't help but feel like a fish out of water. An outsider among the familiar faces, you took a moment to observe the different groups scattered throughout the yard. Kids were running around with playful abandon, their laughter like tiny bells chiming in the summer breeze. Their parents were scattered over the expanse of meticulously trimmed green hedges and professionally cut grass. The dads had for the most part congregated around the large bbq, while the moms were drinking rose and chattering on the patio chairs. And you were… there. Sarah had said that she and unfortunately Joel, would be there at 1h30 pm, well now it was 1h55 pm and they were nowhere to be found.

Suppressing a groan, you reached for your glass of sangria, lifting it to your lips and taking a hearty sip. You had arrived at the cookout armed with the special concoction, hoping it would somehow win over the crowd. Your culinary prowess might not shine as brilliantly as Gordon Ramsay's, but who needed Michelin stars when you had the “Boozy Book” written by your very own Granny Mabel? She had always sworn by the magic of adding 3 extra shots of triple sec and 2 shots of Jameson to a full bottle of white wine, claiming it made the whole thing pop. You could still vividly recall the sight of your relatives at family summer cookouts, gleefully imbibing Mabel's potent sangria, only to end up toppling over and snoozing on the meticulously manicured lawn. In your younger years, the adults' antics might have seemed far from impressive, yet your grandma's smug wink and her declaration, "Someone's got to add a little spice to these dull gatherings, my darling!" had stuck with you. Now, as an adult, you embraced the tradition with open arms. After all, people didn't have the luxury of being judging assholes when they were too intoxicated to even form coherent thoughts.

And apparently, your master plan to win over the neighbourhood ladies had worked like a charm. Initially met with unsure and haughty looks, their opinions quickly changed after just one sip of your sangria. Suddenly, you became their new best friend, and even the hostess, Didi, declared that you would be invited to every future cookout. Hip hip hurray, you thought, though a tinge of gloominess lingered.

As you sipped your drink, you found yourself trapped in a conversation with Bonny and Portia, neighbours who lived down the street. They were busy talking your ear off about their husbands and their brood of children. They were practically living novellas of family life, expressing their eagerness for the resumption of school to catch a break from their children's ever-present demands. A wry smile danced on your lips as you listened to their musings, "so much for motherly instinct," you couldn't help but snort into your glass.

As you tuned them out and Portia's voice began to fade into the background, your eyes wandered away from the endless chatter and scanned the gathering.

And there he stood, Joel Miller, the man who made your heart skip a beat. Time seemed to slow as your gaze locked onto his, and the air around you crackled with electricity.

He looked delectable in that tight blue t-shirt, his charm and charisma radiating effortlessly. Joel stood in the corner, sipping on a beer, the condensation forming delicate droplets on the bottle. The way he casually leaned against the fence showcasing his confident ease as if he owned the place. The world around you seemed to blur, and all that remained was him and the palpable connection between you.

A mixture of excitement and nervousness flooded through your veins, momentarily halting your breath. The fleeting eye contact said more than words ever could. He knew, and you knew, and it was intoxicating.

A mischievous glint danced in Joel's eyes, and a knowing smirk tugged at the corner of his lips. He raised his beer in a subtle salute towards you without breaking the locked gaze, revealing the underlying connection between you two. However, before the moment could fully unfold, he shifted his attention to a smaller man in round glasses who was chatting animatedly at him.

Joel responded with polite nods and occasional hums, but it was evident that he was merely going through the motions. His eyes, though looking at the man, seemed distant, as if his mind was elsewhere. And your eyes stayed glued to him, observing the mesmerizing bobbing of his Adam's apple with each sip he took from his beer, entranced by the subtle movements.

You felt yourself grow warmer and a throbbing ache slowly started to build deep within you. You rubbed your thighs together as subtly as you could, but the sight of Joel Miller, who, for once, didn't look like he wanted to rip your head off, was too much for you. So you indulged, taking your time to watch him – how good, strong, and wholly masculine he looked compared to everyone else. Your eyes roamed over his strong shoulders, stretching against the fabric of his checkered shirt. His sleeves were rolled up, leaving his powerful and hairy forearms on full display. With his arms crossed, his stern stance gave you the perfect view to appreciate the thickness of them. You couldn't stop looking at him. You close your eyes, feeling the pressure of the man from the other side of the backyard. Fuck what you wouldn’t give to have him bend you over the table in front of everyone at that party. To have those big strong hands hold you down, hold your hair. Maybe you’d see something other than resentment in those warm brown eyes for once.

A teasing smirk played upon your lips as you continued to indulge in shamelessly ogling the man who had been causing headaches for the past couple of weeks. Your eyes settled on his strong thighs, outlined perfectly by the well-worn fabric of his ever-present jeans. It was as if he had a personal commitment to denim, regardless of the occasion or the weather. But you weren't complaining; in fact, you were quite appreciative of this consistency. Those jeans offered you an unobstructed view of his muscular legs, each contour and sinew highlighted in exquisite detail.

The play of sunlight on his skin only intensified the appeal. The way his muscles shifted beneath the surface as he moved, the way his stride exuded confidence – it was all captivating. You marvelled at how he could maintain such an effortless air of strength and masculinity, even amidst this admittingly boring BBQ.

Your lips met the cool rim of the glass in front of you, and you took a tentative sip. The liquid provided a fleeting reprieve, its flavor momentarily drowning out the persistent tug of the dilemma that wrestled your thoughts. Should you muster the courage to wander over and initiate a conversation with him? The notion lingered, a prominent question mark dancing in the recesses of your mind, illuminated much like those incessant billboards on the highway. It was as if a colossal, bright yellow arrow was pointing directly at Joel Miller and his infuriatingly irresistible face!

But the memory of his all too recent antagonistic behaviour gave you pause. The last time you crossed Joel Miller’s path, his words had been laced with a sharpness that grated your soul raw, leaving you exposed and feeling like a misbehaving little girl all over again. Your palms felt sweaty when you were with him, and you were pretty damn sure that about 60% of that wasn’t due to arousal. Ok maybe more like 40%, but still!

When his piercing brown gaze fixed on you, warm and inviting for everyone else, it seemed to hold a different essence entirely, summoning a sense of learned powerlessness that you had vowed never to let anyone inflict upon you again. It settled deep within your stomach, a leaden weight that felt unshakable. Like an anchor, it connected you to the darkest corners of your self-destructive tendencies. It was astonishing how a devilishly handsome, middle-aged contractor from Texas had managed to raze the fragile castle of self-esteem you had painstakingly erected after you had left your parents' home at just 19-year-old.

But at the same time, shouldn't two adults be able to talk without making a big scene in public? You were twenty-six for God’s sake, not a toddler! And he was… well you didn’t know how old Joel Miller was, but he should be old enough to not throw a temper tantrum. At any rate, that smile he threw your way could have been a peace offering, maybe he realized he had been nothing short of a complete douchebag since the day you two met. And there was Sarah too. You loved the girl, and it would be really nice if you and her dad weren’t always going for the jugular like a pair of wildcats!

Just as you were lost in thought, Portia's loud voice snapped you back to reality:

“And then, Marie said that the lifeguard down at Millbrow public pool wanted to show her how he used his stick and… Hey you even listening?”

You turn your head sharply toward the woman who exchanged an annoyed look with Bonny who rolled her eyes at your blatant display of inattention. You smiled nervously before downing the rest of your full glass in one go to the look of horror of the two PTA moms. You tapped the edge of your glass for emphasis, “Empty, gonna grab a refill of the punch I saw coming in. See you two later.” Before either could utter a word, you quickly make your escape toward the large table on the patio where a large bowl of punch had been placed.

As you were making your way, you tempted a quick look towards where Joel was standing a minute ago to find… Nothing. You let out a sigh, probably better that he went somewhere else, gives you an excuse to not talk to him. As you reach the table you grab the oversized ladle and poured yourself a generous amount of the unknown concoction into your glass.

“I’d be careful with that if I were ya. Didi’s famous ‘round here for having a pretty generous pour.”  You dropped the ladle with a large splash from the shock of hearing the voice of the man that had been living rent-free in your mind right in your left ear. He was close… way too close for your heart to handle. Joel let out a sharp laugh as you felt yourself grow hot.

“Glad one of us is having fun.” You grumble, “Could you give me some space, I gotta…” you point in the general direction of the punch bowl and extend your hand to start a game of go fish with the ladle. But as your hand reaches for the bowl, Joel’s own larger, browner, and calloused hand reaches for your wrist and softly squeezes. “’tis my fault, I’ll grab it. If Didi saw you contaminating her punch, she’ll throw a damn fit.” You shiver as you slowly retract your hand, “Euhh, thank yo-” You inhaled sharply as you felt his other hand grabbing your lower back, gently nudging you to the side.

You turn your head and were met with the devastatingly beautiful side profile of your infuriating neighbour. You were so close, that if you leaned in you could probably kiss the apple of his cheek. “Won’t Didi be angry with you if she sees you though?”  Joel only smiles as he fishes out the ladle and puts it on the napkin next to the bowl before wiping his hand down. He turns his head in your direction and all of a sudden, your two noses are inches apart. You drew in a sharp breath as Joel Miller smiles his devil smile “Better me than you, trouble.”

You raised an inquisitive eyebrow at his taunting and dare you say, flirty word, “Trouble? Is that supposed to be me?”  Joel gave a shy smile at the playful tone behind your words, and slowly brought his face inches closer to yours, your nose almost touching. You could feel his warm breath on your face. His sharp woodsy aftershave invaded your senses, leaving you a bit dizzy. “Yeah, I mean you’ve been nothin’ but trouble since I met ya…” And just like that the spell was broken.

“Excuse me?” You drew your head back sharply and took a couple of steps back, clearly, Joel wasn’t expecting you to react that way because he levelled you with a lost and slightly panicked look.

“I don’t be meanin’ anythin’ by that. I just, ya know.” He was clearly scrambling for words, but you just stared him down putting your hands on your hips to make you look as unimpressed as possible. He squirmed under your hard stare. Good, you thought. Let him feel as small as he made you feel these past 2 weeks. After 30 seconds of this suburban recreation of a western showdown, Joel seems to remember who he was and who you were because his eyes narrowed, and his lips formed a thin line.

“Sorry to burst whatever little rich girl bubble ya been living in, sweetheart. But you’ve been a troublemaker since you set foot in this damn neighbourhood!” You refused to be intimidated, not this time. Not when you had been mere inches away from kissing those plush lips that now were disdainfully scorning you.

“I don’t see how I’ve been trouble at all actually.” You replied, fixing him with an angry glar.

 “What you want an itemized list or somethin’?” You felt your eyes narrowing further at his words, “I’ve been nothing but nice and friendly since the day we met! You are the one that’s been acting like a grade-A asshole!”

 “Come on kid, ya bein’ serious right now?”

“Do I look like I am joking?” you retort angrily. Joel deflated at your tone and looked sheepish for a split second. You could see the gears working in his mind as he was trying to stringed together an excuse that would get him out of this.

"I didn’t mean to be rude, but ya know you ain’t the most considerate…" You let out a loud gasp, looks like Joel decided to double down.

"Is it about me arriving a ‘day later’?” You made sure to emphasize the words with air quotes, “I told you that day, no one told ME I had a schedule to abide by. If I had gotten in late at night, I would have found a hotel to crash in, no biggie. Rich girl pockets, you know." Joel looked a bit reddish at your sarcastic words and a little frown settled between his bushy eyebrows.

"Well, then you should’ve used that big New York, fancy educated brain to know not to disturb people when they don’t want to be bothered!" God this man knew how to push your button! What was wrong with him and why did he love throwing you your life back in your face like a well-placed jab!

"May I remind you that it was 1 pm by the time I got to Austin? How was I supposed to know you'd be asleep at 1 pm? I am many things, Mr. Miller, but a mind reader is not one of them."

Joel was getting quieter with each answer you were giving him, but he was not a man with the habit of letting go. He had dug himself a grave and he was in too deep to reach the top, so the only way to go now was deeper.

"Well, you did have my daughter at your place without tellin' me! That was irresponsible and downright negligen…"

"And I already apologized for that. I apologized, but that wasn't enough, was it? Why exactly? I didn't do anything to Sarah! I would NEVER do anything to that girl, and I would NEVER let anything happen to her! For Heaven’s sake, you act as if I was taking her into a cult! And you treat me like a… Like a fucking nuisance! Like I’m a fungus under your foot. And for what? Because I’m inconsiderate based on your minimal assessment of me? Based on the fact that I didn’t abide by a schedule I didn’t know about? Because I woke you up in the afternoon when I should have known that Joel Miller would be sleeping? Or because I love spending time with your daughter? From the way I see it, one of us is acting like a kid and it sure as hell isn’t me. You need to grow the hell up, Joel!"

You catch your breath as you start to notice that you two have been attracting a crowd, and most people in your general vicinity have gone completely silent. Hypnotized by the free melodrama happening in front of them, no doubt.

Joel was not letting go, and although his voice was much more subdued than what you’d heard before, he kept going his accent getting thicker with each angry word he was uttering. But you were too angry for his charming southern drawl to have any effect on you “I told ya I didn’t want ya hanging out wit’ Sarah no more! She’s my daughter and I decide who she should hang out with!”

You rolled your eyes at his last-ditch effort to apparently stick it to you. What was it with men and their refusal to admit fault? You were so tired, and the day was so fucking hot. Fuck, things had gone sideways so quickly. You really didn’t want to fight with Joel, all you wanted now was to go home, crawl into bed and sleep for 12 hours, hopefully away from all the nosy neighbours. You cringed, you and Joel would without a doubt be the number one topic of gossip in the weeks to come.

You gave him a tired smile, “I don’t even know why I am arguing with you right now, since everything I say, you’ll just twist to fit whatever weird narrative you’ve got going on. Look, I like hanging out with Sarah, she’s just a lovely girl. She is funny and kind and just completely smart as a whip. She is the first person that’s shown me some kindness since I moved here. If you really don’t want her spending time with me, I won't push it all right. I just want you to please leave me alone now.”

Your words seem to placate Joel as his stance became softer as he finally seemed to realize that you two had amassed quite the crowd with your little display. “Look, I didn’t mea..” “It’s fine.” You cut him off, “I’ll get out of your hair, and I’ll stop causing so much trouble since that’s apparently all I am good for to you.”

“Now wait a min…” His plea went ignored.

“I said it's fine Joel! And now, I am going home.” You turn sharply and swiftly make your way out of the backyard, your blood ringing loudly in your ears and tears welling up in your eyes. From hurt or humiliation, you didn’t know. Now you could see things pretty clearly though, Joel Miller was a fucking asshole.

Joel's gaze tracked your hasty retreat from the garden party, his eyes fixed on your form as you disappeared from sight. The soft murmur of his neighbors' conversations reached his ears his. Your public spat was probably the highlight of their fucking month. Vultures the lot of them!

He shot them a withering glare, his frustration palpable, his words of sharp retaliation poised at the tip of his tongue. However, before the acerbic retort could find its voice, a broad hand landed with a hearty thud on his back, interrupting his thoughts.

“Alright folk, Show’s over! How ‘bout ya’ll go find something else to entertain ya lot?” Tommy’s voice was friendly enough, but the authority underlying his words was sufficient for people to start scattering like a bunch of barn mice.

Tommy's grip on Joel's arm tightened as he led him away from the chattering crowd, angling towards the neglected corner of the backyard. The hushed echoes of whispered conversations seemed to follow them, an audible shadow that gnawed at Tommy's nerves.

Something was definitely off, but he wasn’t able to put his finger on what was going on with his brother. As they reached the secluded spot, Joel's brows were furrowed, his features a mix of bewilderment and frustration. Tommy could sense the tension in the air, a palpable unease that crackled between them.

"What the hell is going on with you?" Tommy's voice mirrored the frantic thoughts racing through his mind. "I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but even I can tell that whatever the hell just went down was a complete disaster, Joel! Seriously, for the love of God, ya made the poor girl cry!"

"I sure as hell didn't plan for that, Tommy, you gotta trust me on that! I was just messing around with her, and she took it way too seriously. Not my fault she got all bent out of shape. Those city kids, they can't handle a little ribbing..." Tommy shot Joel a stare that oozed complete and utter disbelief.

"Yeah, you and I both know that's a load of crap. Whatever went down, it sure as hell wasn't because of some harmless teasing. You were just dishing out your typical Joel jerk-face. I've seen that expression before, but it’s usually reserved for when the cement guys are running late, not for the cute girl next door!"

Joel's shoulders slumped as he let out a frustrated grumble in response to Tommy's words. He shut his eyes and agitatedly tousled his hair, as if trying to shake off his thoughts. "She's like under my damn skin, Tommy!" Tommy's mouth dropped open comically, momentarily resembling a fish caught on a hook. "It's like... I can't even explain it. I don't have the right words. But ever since I laid eyes on her, it's like an itch I can't scratch, and it just doesn't make any damn sense. We've had maybe three conversations since she moved here, and each one ended up in a fight. But damn it, Tommy, it's like she knows exactly how to push my buttons! Every time she walks outside in those shorts, it just gets under my skin 'cause I know every creep on the street is staring. And God, when she's with Sarah, she's incredible. Sarah adores her. I'm just... lost." Joel's words tumbled out in a jumble, an attempt to give voice to the chaotic swirl of emotions inside him.

Tommy fixed his brother with a blank stare, his voice tinged with incredulity, "So, if I'm getting this straight, you're attracted to her, and your grand strategy was to become the biggest jerk possible? Is this your mid-life equivalent of pulling the pretty girl’s pigtails in 8th grade?"

“Fucker! Ya don’t have to be such an ass about it!”

“I wouldn’t have to be if you’d get your head out of yours!”

"DAD!" Joel's eyes clamped shut as a loud groan erupted from his lips. "For crying out loud?" he muttered under his breath, the frustration evident in his tone. He pivoted on his heel, only to find himself locking eyes with Sarah, whose expression conveyed equal parts anger and disappointment over the scene that had just unfolded. She levelled a stern gaze at him, her hands planted firmly on her hips, a mirror of the very pose you had struck during your argument.

“What the hell was that?!” she shrieked.

“Don’t start with me Sarah, your uncle is already ripping into me so ya gonna have to take a ticket!” Joel grumbled unhappily.

“Yeah well, you were a complete dick..”

“Oy, language! I don’t care how angry you are, ya know better than not mindin’ your manners!” Sarah took on a sullen look and angrily exhaled a puff of air through her nose, “What like you minded yours with her? I invited her you know, the least you could have done was to be cordial!”

Joel took a step toward Sarah and grabbed her into his warm embrace, he could feel her tears wetting his shirt, “I really like her dad, she listens to what I have to say and she doesn’t just pretend to like other adults do. She took me shopping last week, and we looked at makeup for hours, because we couldn’t decide on the right shade. I’ve always wanted to have that.”

A pang shot through Joel's heart as he absorbed his daughter's words. He knew that Sarah had borne the weight of her mother's absence in silence, and now, with stark clarity, he understood the nature of the bond that you shared with her. Regret surged within him as he recognized the depths of his own blindness, the emotional whirlwind he'd been trapped in that had blinded him to the very essence of Sarah's needs. The realization hit him square in the chest: he had been a jerk, a self-absorbed fool, but now, he was determined to make things right.

“I know babygirl. I am so sorry for how I acted; I’ll make things right ok. Daddy will make everything right.” he murmured, his voice tender as he continued to hold her close. Sarah had reached an age where grand displays of fatherly affection were met with a facade of maturity. She had declared herself "too grown up" for such things, yet beneath it all, her heart seemed to welcome his words of comfort.

After a moment, they released each other from their embrace. Sarah wiped away her tears, her determination shining through. "You promise?" she questioned, a mix of vulnerability and longing in her voice. Joel reached out, his touch gentle as he brushed away a stray tear from Sarah's cheek. Offering her a warm, reassuring smile, he answered, "I promise, sweetie. How about tomorrow, you head over there and invite her for dinner next Friday?"

Sarah's face lit up like a child on Christmas morning. "Really? You mean it? I can invite her for Miller Friday?!"

Joel nodded, his own smile matching her excitement. "Yeah, it'll be a good time."

Sarah's enthusiasm didn't stop there. "And Uncle Tommy can still come? So, it’ll be like all of us?"

Joel chuckled, his eyes twinkling. "Of course. For better or worse, we're stuck with him."

Amidst the playful protestations coming from Tommy, who had been observing from the sidelines, Sarah managed a chuckle of her own.

Her gaze turned serious once more. "And you'll apologize?"

Joel's expression softened. "Yes, babygirl, I'll apologize."

"Promise?" Sarah pressed, her eyes searching for his assurance.

Joel's smile broadened, before spitting loudly in his hand and extending it toward Sarah. "Promise!"

"EWWW, DAD, GROSS!"

Next Chapter

[gladiatorofthevoid]

Moments Chapter 3: Dr. Delicate Touch

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Ao3 Link: Here

Tensions had been running high in the Hamato household for days now. Raph and Donnie had been fighting, Raph and Leo had been fighting, Donnie and Leo had been fighting, everybody was fighting with everybody. Mikey doesn't even really remember the reason why it started, he only knows that every attempt to apologize or to calm everyone down had only caused more harsh words to be exchanged and more feelings to be hurt. And honestly, Mikey was just getting sick of it.   

Even still, he might not have done anything about it. The fighting may have lasted another week before fading into obscurity, and it all would have gone back to normal. But Mikey was tired. He had stayed up all night for the first time, and when the morning had come, he had been barely able to keep his eyes open, and of course, when he went down to breakfast everyone was pointedly ignoring each other or glaring at each other. But Mikey had been too emotionally and physically tried to give a damn, just sat down with a thump and tried to eat his cereal in peace. Then, Leo decided to open his big mouth.  

"So, you're really going to pretend that nothing happened?" the Slider said, glaring at Donnie.   

"I don't know what you're talking about," Donnie responded coldly, not looking up from his bowl. Mikey squeezed his eyes shut with a despite, silent plea for his brothers just to stop.  

“Oh, wonderful. We’re just going to mosey on past all that stuff you said. Awesome. Great.” Mikey put his head in his hands and wished he had hair to tug on.  

“You’re not even going mention what you said yesterday?” Raph asked, eyes narrow. Mikey could feel himself losing control and getting closer to a breakdown every second.  

“Don’t start with me, Rapha.” Leo snarled and opened his mouth to say something else that he would most certainly regret later, and Mikey felt the moment he lost it.  

“Shut up, Leo. You’re not helping.” Mikey said. The others all stopped and stared at him. “What? He’s not. He’s just mad 'cause he knows he’s in the wrong, and he can’t worm his way out of it, so he's pointing out everyone else's mistakes.” There was silence for a moment then Dee, still a little unsettled but determined to use this to his advantage, shakily smiled and turned to Leo.  

“Ha! See Leo-”  

“Oh no, Donnie,” Mikey interrupted before that could get off the ground. “Just because he’s trying to deflect, doesn’t mean he isn’t right. You need to get off your high horse and quit pretending you’re better than us because you’re smarter!” And you!” Mikey said pointing at the eldest brother, and the others watched as Raph leaned away from his younger brother. “You need to quit it with the passive-aggressive stuff! Just say you are angry and hurt! We don’t need you pretending you’re not and then ignoring us or saying backhanded stuff! Comminate! It’s not that hard!”  

Mikey then turns to the whole group and grits his teeth.  

“All of you know you’re wrong! But none of you are going to come out and apologize and would rather keep shouting at each other because you don’t want to lose whatever weird and annoying game you’re playing!” Mikey was waving his arms and then slammed them down on the table. “Well, guess what? It’s not a game! And if you don’t stop, I’m going to tie you together, and dangle you over the sewer fallout! And I will be happy and smiling while I do it, so don’t TEST ME!”  

By the end, Mikey was breathing heavily and the others had backed up several feet. The wind had drained out of him and slumped slightly.  

“I’m going back to bed. Don’t wake me up.” He left the three of them in the kitchen, and marched back into his room, collapsing onto the bed and curling up into his shell until he fell asleep.

-

When Mikey awoke, he groaned and popped out of his shell keeping his eyes closed. He was already forming an apology in his mind to his brothers for his sleep-deprecated shouting earlier. So, when he opened his eyes and found the three brothers surrounding his bed, he squeaked in surprise and then groaned again once he realized who was there.  

"Look, guys-" he said, but was quickly interrupted.  

"We're sorry, Mikey," Raph said, and Mikey blinked.  

"What?" he asked, feeling an intense amount of whiplash.  

"Yeah..." Leo said, fidgeting with his hands. "We shouldn't have been fighting so much, you were right."  

"As much as it pains me to admit it," Donnie said avoiding eye contact and crossing his arms. "You were right, and we could tell that our fighting was hurting you too. We should have been more considerate."  

"We've all already apologized to each other and made up," Raph said. "So, we just needed to apologize to you as well."  

Mikey was overwhelmed, and quite possibly in shock. This was so different than what he was expecting when he woke up. But he felt a rush of relief that the fighting was finally over.  

"Thanks, you guys," he said, feeling a smile. "And I'm sorry about being so mean."  

"You were just a tad mean," Leo said with a dismissive wave. "Honestly we needed more than a little delicate touch, doc." Donnie clapped his hands from where he was standing.  

"Well now that all the sticky emotions are over, I am getting back to business." He turned around and waved back to the others. "You three enjoy yourselves doing whatever it is you do."  

Ralph rolled his eyes and turned to Mikey.  

"Do you want to play Animal Crossing with me?" Mikey shook his head.  

"Nah, I'm going back to my nap," he said.  

"Alright," Raph said and nudged Leo. "Come on, Lee."  

"Alright, Alright," Leo said exasperated. "Night, bro," he called back.  

"Night," Mikey said and curled up with a smile.  

-

I know this is late, stuff happened. Thank you for reading. Let me know if there is anything I should work on.

Thank you to @sariphantom for hosting the Rise August Challenge, which this is inspired by.

@nickelodeon Please save Rise.

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[finyx7733]

06/06/24

Affirmations: I am worthy of love I am capable of great things I am not a burden I am made of stardust and magick

How do I feel physically today? I feel really good today. I managed to fall asleep around 10pm last night and didn't wake up until 8 am this morning. I guess I needed the sleep. My body feels well rested and I am ready to take on the day.

Am I intellectually stimulated? I have been doing some research on Paganism and BPD, so I would say yes, I am being intellectually stimulated. It feels nice to be doing something productive and I feel like I am learning a lot. I will post my findings at a later time once I have more information.

How do I feel emotionally today? I am feeling great! my mood has improved greatly since yesterday. I don't feel like crying or breaking anything. I feel at peace, which is a rare thing for me, but it's been happening more and more since I moved here. I had a nice cup of tea this morning and just sat with my thoughts. I put it out into the Universe that today was going to be a good day and so far it has been.

How do I feel spiritually today? Like I said before I feel at peace today, my spirit is calm. I've already started practicing what I'm learning. This morning while I was making my tea I did a little manifestation spell, a prayer that today would be a great day and that I would have the energy to finish the tasks I set out for myself and so far it worked. I am looking forward to learning more and using what I learn in my everyday life.

Today is a lazy day for me, I have to clean the closet and declutter the bedroom but other than that I don't really have anything planned. Mimi is heading to work around 1 and boy is she just not ready to go. Poor thing is super sleepy and drained. I now know why I've been manic and overly emotional this past week, usually a week before my period starts I am an absolute wreck, my emotions fluctuate I go from being manic to being severely depressed. Well, this morning it decided to rear its ugly head. Which means this week is going to be emotional for me. I'm hoping this won't be the case but that is how it usually goes.

Last Mother's Day Mimi's mom, Whom I will not refer to as my mom, taught me how to crochet and I absolutely LOVE it. I am working on two blankets one for myself and one for Mimi. I'm hoping to have them finished by next winter, I'm a beginner so my progress is a little slow but I'm really proud of the quality. Mom says she is surprised at how well I'm doing. This makes me feel really good. I'll post pictures of my progress. I am really grateful for Mimi's mom, she is the kindest woman who welcomed me into her life with open arms. My own mother died from small-cell lung cancer seven years ago and life just hasn't been the same. Our relationship when I was growing up was very strained, she had her own mental health issues she was struggling with, and at times she would take that out on me, but as I grew up and became an adult our relationship flourished and she became one of my closest friends. When she died I was left to pick up the pieces, it's something I still struggle with. Mimi's mom treats me like one of her own and it warms my heart and brings me a peace I didn't know I would ever feel again. I've been doing a lot of research on BPD there are so many things I do because of this illness that I never even realized. It is helping me to understand myself better and I am looking into coping skills and something called DBT. I'm compiling notes so I can make sense of things. I can get sidetracked fairly easily so sometimes research is difficult for me. Mimi and I are watching a movie called The Stand, it's really good. I know they made it into a TV series I'll have to watch it. I really enjoy the movie so I'm sure I'll enjoy the TV series. Well, I am going to watch the movie and do some more research. Ta for now. <3 Fi

[pia-writes-things]

This is kind of a vent post so feel free to scroll past it but like.

I have currently 18 chapters, any fics included, to comment. I am 18 chapters late, technically.

And like, when I read something ongoing, especially if it's written by a mutual, I always try to comment, and to do a detail comment thanks to the floaty review box. And this year, I managed to do it until may, I think ?

But after that, I watched the third season of HPI. And it was an absolute shit-show. The last minute of the last episode ruined everything. So now, I have all those emails in my inbox that I don't delete because I want to comment the fics but I just can't do it? Because the idea of reading something that is HPI related just completely blocks me. It drains me emotionally to just think about it. All the missed potential, everything they ruined.

But the thing is, for some reason, it also prevents me from commenting the other fics? Like, I have the exact same feelings toward it even though they're completely different fandoms?

I really hate this feeling. I know commenting is not an obligation, I know I shouldn't feel bad about it, I know all of that. But I still do. Because I love being on the receiving end of comments and I hate myself for not doing that for my friends and fellow writers. Even tho it's not my responsibility. So now, I just feel bad every time I open my inbox.

And the worst is, yesterday and today I did comment some fics. I did. I finally made a dent in the pile. But I still have so many left, and yeah... It's discouraging and it's entirely my fault for feeling responsible even tho I'm not. I hate it.

[howireallyfeels]

Awkward Moments

Yesterday was my birthday, November 8. I turned 29. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d make it to this age. This year has been brutal—harder than the last, and I don’t know how I’ve managed to keep going. I’m exhausted, worn out, barely hanging on, but somehow I’ve made it this far.

At the start of the year, my high school friends and I planned a trip to Boracay. They booked the dates, and it just happened to fall on my birthday, November 8-10. I thought maybe they did it on purpose because it was my day, and I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, my birthday mattered to them. But then I found out it was just a coincidence. November 8 was simply the date everyone was free. I tried to brush it off, telling myself it didn’t really matter.

We left Mariveles at 2 a.m., and a friend picked me up. I thought that maybe she’d remember it was my birthday, that she’d say something, anything, just a “happy birthday.” But she didn’t. It was like any other day to her, and I felt stupid for expecting otherwise. When we got to the airport, another friend messaged me with a birthday greeting. But by then, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was just out of obligation. They remembered because of a reminder on their phone or some notification. I know I shouldn’t care. I know birthdays are just another day, but deep down, I guess I wanted it to mean something to them, to be noticed, to feel like I mattered.

When we finally reached Boracay, I didn’t really have any plans. This was my first time traveling by plane, my first time going somewhere this far, and I should’ve been excited. But all I felt was this heaviness. We ate, toured the island, but I was already drained, mentally and emotionally. Every time they took photos, posing perfectly, looking so effortless, I felt more and more out of place. I couldn’t bring myself to join them. I was overwhelmed by every insecurity I had: the way I looked, the way I didn’t fit in, how awkward I felt. I didn’t feel like I belonged there with them.

I was too embarrassed to take any photos. My mind was racing with thoughts—“Why am I like this? Why do I look this way? Why can’t I be confident, or at least look okay?” I felt like an outsider, like I wasn’t good enough to be part of their moments. They tried to include me, but I just couldn’t. I could feel their pity, and it only made things worse. Being with them made me second-guess everything about myself, and I realized I didn’t feel safe with them anymore. I was afraid of being judged, even if they weren’t saying it out loud.

Yesterday was my birthday, and maybe this was the last one I’ll get to celebrate. It felt like a bitter reminder that I’m still here, barely, and for what? I tried to be happy, tried to act like I was okay, but inside, it felt like I was falling apart. Today, I just feel empty. I thought I could rely on them, that I had people who’d understand me, who’d be there when I needed them. But now, I’m not so sure. I feel defeated. I feel like I don’t have anything left to give, like I’ve already given all I have.

All I want right now is to go home, to lie down, to close my eyes, and forget everything. I just want to disappear from this feeling, this weight on my chest. I feel like I’m breaking down, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.

[alrawabi-imagines]

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror Ch.2

Pairing: Step-sister!Hiba x Female!Reader (platonic) 

Word count: 1518

You stayed in bed for the majority of the day,you just couldn't bring yourself to get up. You felt so exhausted that it was hard for you to do anything except lie in bed all day. You barely ate anything and stayed in your pajamas the whole day, feeling completely unmotivated by everything. The only reason you forced yourself out of bed was to use the bathroom or get something to eat, but as soon as you were done with those things, you would go straight back to bed again. You hadn't moved all day,and you were starting to feel worse. The fact that you hadn't moved all day and had been in bed for hours, doing nothing, only made you feel worse. You felt even more tired, and your mind started to spiral into negative thoughts. You kept thinking about how alone and pathetic you were, and how worthless you felt. You were feeling completely overwhelmed by everything and you just had no energy left inside of you. The last thing you wanted was for anyone to see you,let alone talk to you. The last thing you wanted was for anyone to see you or talk to you in this state. You felt so miserable and pathetic, and you didn't want anyone to see how broken you were. You just wanted to be alone and hide away from the world so no one could see how much of a mess you really were. It was the middle of the day,so no one should be home. You walked downstairs to get some water. After hours of lying in bed and wallowing in your own self-pity, you finally got up and went downstairs to get some water. You felt a little bit better just from the simple act of getting ready and going downstairs, but you were still feeling emotionally and mentally drained from yesterday. You grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and filled it up with water, then took a sip.

About two hours later you heard a knock on your door 

"Go away" you said,your voice weak since you hadn't said anything all day. After a few hours, you heard a knock on your bedroom door. You groaned at the sound, but you realized that whoever it was wasn't going away. "Go away!" You murmured weakly, hoping that they would just leave you alone. But the knock came again. "What?" You asked

"Can I come in?" You hear your step sister asking from the other side of the door. Her voice sounded soft and concerned, not like she was trying to start anything.

You stood up and opened the door 

“What?"

"I just wanted to see if you were doing okay." She said, She looked at you and you could tell that she was genuinely concerned for your well-being.

"Why do you care?" You asked,not in a tone that accused her but simply asking why.

"Well, I'm your step sister, so I do care about you." She says. She's hesitant to get into a detailed conversation with you, especially since she knows you're in a bad mood. "So I just wanted to check in on you."

"Since when. Ever since we met you've been nothing but a bitch to me,you made it clear that you hate me. Just tell me that you're just here to laugh at me" you were fully yelling as tears flowed down your cheeks. Your step sister looked a bit stunned by your outburst and seemed genuinely taken a back. She had never seen you get this emotional before and it made her feel bad to see you like this. 

"I'm not here to laugh at you. I... I really do care about you and I'm sorry for being so mean to you." She says, but in a softer tone than before, not wanting to aggravate you further. Before you had a chance to slam the door in her face she stopped you, putting her hand against the door to prevent you from closing it. She really didn't want to see you hurting and she wanted you to know that she truly did care. "Hey, stop." She said, and she was even more surprised when she saw the tears running down your cheeks. "I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you, I shouldn't have done that." She says sincerely. She regretted the way she had treated you for these last few months, and she really did feel bad knowing that you were hurt in some way by her comments and actions. She was truly sorry. You let go of the door and let her in,you didn't know why you did that but something inside told you to let her in. Your step sister stepped into your room and shut the door behind her. She had no idea how you were going to react but she was grateful that you let her in. She had come here because she cared about you, and it was clear that she was genuinely sorry for the way she'd treated you. You sat down on your bed,trying to calm down. Your step sister watched as you sat down on the bed, looking like a complete mess. She could tell that you were still deeply upset but she wasn't sure exactly how to handle the situation. She wanted to reach out and comfort you, but she was afraid that it would only make things worse. She didn't know what else to do so she just stood there, trying to think of something that she could say to make you feel better. She spoke up first,apologizing. Your stepsister was the first one to speak up and she began to apologize for the way she's been treating you. She acknowledged that she had been a huge bitch to you and that it would be completely reasonable if you didn't want to forgive her. Yet she hoped that you would be willing to let bygones be bygones and start over with a clean slate. "I'm sorry I was a massive bitch to you"

"I'm sorry I called you a whore" you apologize,even if she was worse you were also in the wrong. Your step sister was genuinely surprised by your apology but she accepted it. 

"It's fine, I mean I deserve that anyway." She says, acting like this is something she's used to hearing all the time. But you know her too well to know that it really does hurt her. She just doesn't want to admit it. 

"I only said it because I hoped it would make you realize that those guys never wanted you,they just wanted to sleep with you. I was worried about you" 

Your stepsister pauses briefly, not expecting this kind of honesty from you. 

"Well it did work, I guess I'm dumb and naive enough to believe that if they sleep with me it means they like me." She says, rolling her eyes like this is something she already knew but didn't want to think about.

"We should really start over,and talk to each other from now on. There's a lot I haven't told anyone about,like that dress you borrowed" you ended up telling her the story about the dress and how you were ghosted. Your step sister sits down next to you as you start to share your story. She's surprised that you're actually opening up to her and she wants to listen, so you continue to tell her everything. You talk about how you felt when he ghosted you, and how the dress was some sort of reminder that he had never really cared about you. She listens intently and doesn't interrupt or judge you. She feels like she understands you better now and realizes that there's more to your story than she thought. "So if you want to keep that dress, keep it,but I don't want it back. I was just gonna throw it away" you said,the last thing you wanted was to keep a bad memory. Your stepsister nods in understanding. 

"If you want to get rid of it then that's fine by me. I don't want to keep something that's just reminding you of a bad time." She says. She realizes that it must be hard for you to keep it, knowing how much it reminds you of that incident. She also realizes that she should be more mindful of the things she says to you, because she doesn't want to cause you any more pain. For the first time you felt like she was genuine. For the first time you feel like your stepsister is truly being genuine with you. She's not being snarky or rude, and she's actually listening to what you have to say without any judgment. She's not just trying to make herself look better, she genuinely feels sorry for the way she's treated you over the last few months and she just wants to start over. This is the first time you've felt understood by her, and it feels good.

[gatun-gatunesco]

...

Yesterday was such a day that I hit (for the first time) the post limit of Tumblr.

Most of the day and thanks to the amazing boop mechanic, I managed to get my mind distracted; being whimsical, having fun and enjoying the silly things of life, at least for a while.

Yet. The whole month of March was a very heavy time emotionally speaking. There were a lot of things to have in mind, a lot of things I wanted to do, to talk, to reach, to find once again. And yesterday a new friend finally cracked the puzzle:

"The yearn of a bond like that"

The bond I had with the person that used to be my best friend, my lover, my fiancee, the person that used to be my favorite person.

It was an amazing bond for 3 years until everything changed; until they chose a different path in life, until they chose to go wild in a self-destructive way, until they chose others. They were no longer the same person I could live with.

Two times they broke their promises in a big and awful way. Their words no longer had weight as they loyalty became null in almost all senses. My trust was drained.

Of course I would have stayed, I cared for them more as a person than their relationship with me, but I was warned that will only bring me pain. That a third time was just going to happen at any time and I had to go away before it did. And so I left.

I wish to be wrong about it and that they managed to recover and not let it happen again, but something in me knows that probably is going to be worse than before (if it has not already happened) i just cannot be positive about it.

So, the grief for what it was and what could not be, is really more about the loss of the bond I had with them. The one they were before; that friend who then became a lover. The slow yet somehow lovely process we had to bond, the deep connection of our minds and bodies. All of that is gone, just like them.

The things I feel? I finally know what it is: "a yearning for a bond like that"

[parttimedragonslayer]

Day 30 (Day 37) - Complete December 6 2023

Went to the gym for a weights session. Bench, deads and a bunch of dumbbell stuff. Was a pretty short session, probably not the 40 minutes scheduled, but I’m counting it anyway. 

Day 31 (Day 38) - Complete December 7 2023

Rest day

Day 32 (Day 39) - Incomplete December 8 2023

Was supposed to run, but it was one of my early start days so there’s no way I was getting up at 5am to run. Planned to run when I got home, but it was raining so I used that as a lame excuse to not go. 

Day 32 (Day 40) - Complete December 9 2023

4km non stop! I was pretty sure that I could do it after my previous 3km, but it still seems weird to me that I can now run 4km non stop. I’ve not been able to do that for a long, long time, and last time I could do it, it wasn’t this easy. I’m still going really slow, but I’m not dead by the end and I feel like I could go further. 

Day 33 (Day 41) - Complete December 10 2023

Cross training at the gym again today - deadlifts and a lot of dumbbell work. The schedule said 30 mins cross train or 15 minutes run. I ended up doing about an hour of cross training, so I’m thinking that in future I will try and do less weights and a bit of extra running. I’m a little worried about how my feet and knees will go with extra running though, so I’m a little hesitant to increase it over the scheduled runs. I’m going to have to get used to it though, I’m going to be doing a lot more kms in the weeks to come. 

Day 34 (Days 42-44) - Incomplete December 11-13 2023

Things got a little rough here. I had a massive binge episode and I spent a lot of time cocooning in bed and I just couldn’t pull myself out of my little depression for three days to get myself to work, let alone to go for a run. 

I suppose this was triggered by the one year anniversary of mum’s death. I hadn’t expected to be bothered by it, but in the week or so leading up to it, I did start thinking about it a lot. I think it’s finally starting to sink in that I’m never going to see her again. Living in another country, I don’t think the reality of it has really settled on me, because even if she were still alive I wouldn’t have seen her. I would have called her or texted with her, but even that wouldn’t have been super often. We weren’t that close before I left, she didn’t play a massive role in my life. Generally contact with her was always a hassle, it was emotionally draining. But now, after a year, I think I’m finally starting to miss her. 

Day 34 (Day 45) - Complete December 14 2023

This was the second 4km non-stop run. I was a little worried that after 3 days of nothing I might not be able to just step back into where I left off. But it was fine. Started getting a little tired during the last kilometre but was still able to finish strong. 

Day 35 (Day 46) - Complete December 15 2023

Another rest day. Thought about skipping it, but the next scheduled day is a 5km non-stop run and I don’t want to do that straight after yesterday's 4km non-stop run. Also it’s a Friday so that means an early start, and it will be dark by the time I get home. 

Day 36 (Day 47) - Complete December 16 2023

My first 5km of  the program and my first non-stop 5km run for a decade. I made it. I was struggling a bit for the last km, and a lot for the last 500metres, but I made it. I didn’t stop. 

I’m might finally be learning to tell when it’s just your brain saying “I don’t like this, let’s stop” and when your body actually needs to stop. When I want to stop I check in with my lungs and see if they are just working hard, or if they are burning or struggling to get enough air. I check in with my calves to see if they are actually hurting, or just tired. Usually I find that I’m just tired and working hard, but not actually hurting, which means that I can keep going. 

The last couple of runs I’ve noticed my left knee feeling a bit strange. It’s not hurting, it just feels a little swollen or puffy. It doesn’t look swollen, it’s just the sensation it has, like it’s a little harder to move, perhaps? I’m not really sure how else to explain it. It always feels better after an hour or so, but it’s something I want to keep an eye on. 

Day 37 (Day 48) - Complete December 17 2023

Cross training at the gym today. Bench, deads and dumbbell work. I then jumped on the treadmill for a bit as well. It was only for 7 or 8 minutes while I was waiting for Steve to finish up.

Day 38 (Day 49) - Rest day

I feel like I could have skipped this rest day, but I had an unexpected earlier than usual start this morning so that’s enough reason for me to keep the rest day. I think I’m going to swap around some days later in the week to better suit my schedule as well. 

[dongwoouwu]

My sister msged me yesterday about the whole thing w her husband and my ex-fiancé. Not only did she not apologize to me about her deleting me out of her discord because of my ex and not tell me till months later, but she told me that her husband was "hurt" about a relationship he wasn't even a part of.

She and her husband had deleted me from their discord when I had broke it off with my ex-fiancé at the time because I no longer had feelings for him and the engagement and relationship itself was premature. I made some mistakes and bad choices and I own up to that; there could've been a way better way to break it off. During this time, I had turned to him because i had felt he was the only one I could talk to about it. Apparently that to him was me "using" him when things got messy?

The undertone of the message was just basically "you can come back but you should apologize to michael", which is insane because this whole thing was between me and my ex anyways, so why did he feel so strongly to place himself in the equation and say he was equally as effected.

I cut-off all means of communication once michael decided to delete me from the discord that I'd been a part of for a couple of years now, and they had kept my ex in there instead. I was obviously the one hurt from this because when it happened, no one had told me anything and kept me in the dark and I suddenly had no communication with the friends I made there. I tried to text my sister about it when it happened and she had just left me on read. I had to get the answer through my mom who had to contact them for me and the proceeded to explain that "they are hurt from the 'Kevin situation'". I never once asked them to intervene with our relationship and yet they ask this of me when they did that all on their own.

The other thing was when i finally told them about me breaking it off with Kevin, they told me that they wanted me to do what i thought was best to me and that they would stand by my decision. The moment i did however, them and everyone had turned against me.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my sister because of this; because she would always put her boyfriends' feelings above her own and mine. This situation was just the final straw to the years of this stupid cycle of thinking maybe this time it would be different and it never is. She would always question my decisions and my opinions, viewing them as less than hers and that i was just "her little sister who doesn't know any better". I have told her time and time again in that i deserve to be treated better than how she treats me when she is in these relationship with these boys. I had to listen to her for years telling me how stupid and how incapable i am of myself and that she constantly has to watch over me. It had took a toll on my confidence all my life and now that I'm finally free of her, i can finally do things that i never thought that i was even capable of doing.

My parents know about my feelings about her, and how she just typically acts, yet they still wish for me to forgive her... but how can I? NGL a part of me wants to so bad and wants this whole thing to be over and for things to go back to how they were when we were growing up. But I had listened to that same voice in the past before, had ran back and apologized and hearing her saying that "things would be different this time" and nothing ever changed. I'm tired of false hope and being emotionally drained from trying to fix a relationship that had been broken for years. Every time i would try and make an effort of increasing our time together, I would be rejected for michael, so I eventually gave up knowing that was going to be the answer every single time. The moment I did, she would run to my parents with alligator tears saying that i was the one putting no effort.

I keep gaslighting myself saying that maybe it was my fault... but in full honesty i just don't care anymore; I don't care to reply or reach out about it. I don't know if maybe I'm taking things too far by cutting off communication? But I'm also just done being thrown into this loop time and time again. I want a way of resolving this without it appearing as me groveling. I finally have a new respect for myself and I don't need to it come crashing down all over again.