#yes your post about t is relevant to me but i am not a trans guy

[lavenderlyncis]

Okay, so, this is gonna be a long post about my gender identity I guess, because I have been struggling and need to express it in some way

Tw: struggle with gender identity and experiences with misgendering

I usually don't care about labels too much. I do what I want and that's it. For the past year and a half I have gradually outed myself to people as a trans man. I have an ID with my preferred gender and even a job with my "new" name. And I am happy about that

However, it's always been all a bit weird to me. Most of you don't know what I look like, so it's easy for you to gender me correctly, but if you knew what I looked like, if you knew me irl, you'd have big issues since I don't look trans at all. I barely look masc. The very most people assume of me is that I am a lesbian, but no one ever thinks of me as man. Every single person in my life has a problem with gendering me correctly. Every single one. There is no one who never made a mistake, even those that never knew me under my deadname

I've been told that that's a privilege. Since I don't look trans, I'm safe from hate crimes by people that don't know me (if you disregard the whole looking like a woman or lesbian thing that makes going outside inherently dangerous). But it's really not. Getting misgendered every day of your life by everyone that you've ever known is not a privilege. Knowing the only people I could ever date are bisexuals because I am not man enough to be desired by gay men or straight women and not wan enough for straight men and gay women is not great either. I struggle with feeling undesireble and monstrous anyway, I really did not need the extra pressure

I guess maybe I am not a man. Maybe I'm genderfluid. Going back and forth between it all. I am never a woman. But sometimes I am not really a man. I mean, look at me. Listen to the sound of my voice, my mannerisms. It's not very masculine at all. Sometimes I do look more traditionally male. Or like someone despereately trying to do so

I love tumblr. On here, I get treated like a flamboyant man and I know that other people here actually see me that way. But my real life is so much more different. It's barely survivable. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to just go back to being a woman on here so it would hurt less when I have to go into the real world. Not even my therapiat can gender me correctly, she always does it wrong and then corrects herself

But I don't want that. I am not a woman. It's just that no one else sees that. Not even other trans people. Yes, other trans people that I know irl have trouble with gendering me correctly. There is some hope however. I have a friend group that... really tries to gender me correctly and enforce it with everyone around us. They do make mistakes, but I feel like they are the only ones who are really getting it. Ironically, they are all cishet people and I am one of the maybe 2 queer people that they know, yet somehow they are better allies to me than most of the queer people I met in my life (with one big exception but that's not relevant right now)

Why am I even like this? Life would be so much easier if I were just someone else. I'm even tired of correcting people when they misgender me. One of my uni friends misgenders me a lot. She doesn't mean to, she just... doesn't know a lot about the topic I guess. And I don't know how to correct her. I don't want her to feel guilty about it and I am tired of explaining things to everyone all the time. Every time I introduce myself with my male name, I either have to justify myself for being named that way, or the other person just assumes I'm a woman anyway. The only people who have gendered me correctly immediately are people that only know me through emails since they have never seen my face

AND I DON'T EVEN MAKE A HOT WOMAN, THIS IS A SCAM

And sometimes I don't mind being feminine, I like it. I just am never ever a woman. Now, I actively try to make myself more masc, even if that's not what I want all the time, just so people believe me that I'm trans. Yesterday, I had a Professor say to me that it's great that I support trans people. Sir... I am one of those trans people and you KNOW that! Why is it so hard to believe??? I DON'T GET IT

The only person at uni who really gets it is my History professor. He's a real one. My favourite person on earth

In conclusion, I am probably going to a self help group now

[faggotcitosis]

oh my fucking god.

1) every study talks about men. how is this relevant for all the trans men in the tags thinking they'll take T and it'll cure their depression. please explain to me. show me the research.

2 & 3) they're clearly saying if you take a small dose you can control what changes happen in your body. did you read the tags here? so many people saying they want a deep voice and no bottom growth?

not almost everyone, everybody has both T and E, men and women, period, because they're more than sex hormones - they're physiological. not having WILL cause medical issues. i described them as opposites didactically. they're all steroids, they all come from cholesterol. they will never be the same level, one pushes the other around. high E suppress T. high T turns into E (which is why gymbros get boobs). P is a precursor to both T & E. you will never have all of them as the same amount, one pushes the other around.

5) i agree that that plays a big part on the high control of it. but testosterone is factually more harmful if taken incorrectly than e or p. like, this is a fact. it will severely fuck up your liver. it's way easier to overdose than e or p. the doses cisgender men have, which is considered physiological, will have an increased risk due to the nature of the hormone, yes. what i was and am talking about is people injecting it willy nilly and having it way higher than a physiological dose. i am literally talking about people wanting to get it illegally (and not following a guide) or doing it like a recreative drug. also e and p are used in birth control, which you can get otc, which is why diy is easier for trans women. how are you going to tightly control a substance that is used for reproductive control?

did you read the tags? are we in the same post? i never said doctors prescribe testosterone like tictacs (btw some are! hello detrans wave!. but thats not the point here).

trans ppl who take a physiological dose of t are literally fine. and not what im talking about. i never talked about that. did you the screenshots???? they are literally talking about irresponsible use of a steroid. steroids are a specific class of drugs that r controlled because they will fuck you up in different ways (hello steroid induced cushings!).

of course conservatives think any use is irresponsible use. that's why i dont advocate for making access to t harder, i advocate for trans people being educated and fully aware of hormone physiology, benefits and risks.

[everyone-needs-a-hoopoe]

it bugs me so much how many resources about t, top surgery and other defeminising things are prefaced with “hey trans guys”, and how many demasculinising things are prefaced with “hey trans girls”. please remember to be inclusive of nonbinary people when making resource posts and psas like that!

[lavender-lotion]

Fanfic Writer Asks

I was tagged by @asarcasticwitch - thank you so much!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

737, which is an ugly number :(

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,890,054 words, which ... AH I might actually get to 2mil by the end of the year!

3) How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

thank you, ao3 dashboard for this handy list:

Teen Wolf (TV) (377)

X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies) (187)

Marvel Cinematic Universe (93)

Glee (29)

Young Justice (Cartoon) (11)

Kingsman (Movies) (9)

Original Work (9)

The Avengers (Marvel Movies) (8)

Criminal Minds (US TV) (7)

Thor (Movies) (6)

Deadpool (Movieverse) (5)

Weird City (TV) (5)

X-Men (Original Timeline Movies) (4)

Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga) (4)

Ragnarok (TV 2020) (4)

Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies) (3)

Teen Wolf (TV) RPF (3)

Iron Man (Movies) (3)

The House in the Cerulean Sea - T. J. Klune (2)

Venom (Marvel Movies) (1)

Stranger Things (TV 2016) (1)

Captain America (Movies) (1)

Fate: The Winx Saga (TV) (1)

Power Rangers Ninja Storm (1)

X-Men - All Media Types (1)

Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan (1)

Riverdale (TV 2017) (1)

X-Men Evolution (1)

Push (2009) (1)

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

With You, I Belong

Mates and Marriage Proposals

The Perceptions of You and I

(baby) maybe that matters more

Breathing You In

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

ughh so, fair warning, I have a lot of works. I definitely do not remember all of them, however I do have four works tagged as Unhappy Ending and then another nine works tagged Ambiguous/Open Ending, which is way more than I’d thought I had! 

however, there is one fic that stands out in mind when I think about which of my works has the angstiest ending! Heed the tags :)

And Now?

Teen And Up Audiences | Major Character Death | M/M | Teen Wolf (TV) | Chris Argent/Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski | Chris Argent, Peter Hale, Stiles Stilinski | Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canonical Character Death, Peter Hale Dies, Unhappy Ending

Stiles Stilinski finds out who his soul mates are by setting one on fire.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

ughhhhhhhh I truly do not know??? 

7) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I don’t write many crossovers at all! I have some mcu/teen wolf cross overs, I have a teen wolf/glee cross over plotted (that i’ll probably never write), but my strangest is probably this teen wolf/x-men cross over!

what-ifs (don’t fuckin’ matter to no one)

Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | M/M | X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)Teen Wolf (TV) | Logan (X-Men)/Sheriff Stilinski | Logan (X-Men), Sheriff Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski | Memory Loss, Telepathy, Mentions of War, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Neglect, Grief/Mourning, Telepath Stiles Stilinski, Telekinetic Stiles Stilinski, Nightmares, Cuddling & Snuggling

There’s somethin’ there. Somethin’ that has him sleeping curled up on his side with a pillow tucked to his chest, somethin’ that has him splittin’ up his food ‘fore he eats ‘cause he don’t need as much as a baseline. Has him turnin’ to tell someone shit that ain’t there. There’s just...there’s just somethin’ there that’s missin’ and it shouldn’t be missin’.

8) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

sometimes! I don’t write a lot of smut because I actively dislike writing it, but the smut I do write is super super soft and sappy and full of emotions lol

9) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I respond to almost all of my comments! comments i won’t respond to: negative comments, unsolicited criticism, comments that aren’t relevant to the fic itself, comments simply asking for more 

I love love love responding to comments! I love every single comment that I get and I want to show how much I appreciate getting them, and personally I think responding to comments is the only way to do that! everyone has different comment philosophies, but for me, if someone is taking the time to comment on my fic like I so badly want them to, I think it’s important to respond to show my appreciation! 

10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

aha YEAH I DO. this past weekend I actually got a number of shitty comments and had to file two ao3 abuse reports for harrasment (: I love it

I am no stranger to hate comments. I write copious amounts of age difference fic. I write copious amounts of incest. I am not going to apologize nor am I going to feel bad for enjoying either.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

ughhh I sure as heck hope not! 

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I have a number of them :) I always always do my best to make sure it’s linked to the original fic, AND that I add a tag noting that there’s a translation!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have made a few attempts! the only successful attempt is there's nothing i wouldn't do to make you feel my love which is a collaboration with @flightinflame, not quite a co-write!

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

I am unable to answer this lol I don’t have an all-time favourite. mutli-shipping forever.

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

god okay this is such a good question! imma ramble about a few so bear with me here! (i may have 700 posted works but I also have a few hundreds wips & ideas floating around in my gdrive, too)

gone & past - this is a starrish wip i’d started in 2017. I ended up deleting it from ao3 to rewrite it and never got there, but I have about 20k of content! I built my home, inside of you - thorki human au with college jock thor and high school dancer loki. i’ve got a start and nothing else Sheriff Stilinski Gets Some Sweet Sweet Lovin’ - massive wip where... well, the sheriff fucks his way through the entire pack. I want to write it but. trans allison au - this is an au where allison is trans and that changes the entire season 1 canon. it features stallison, petopher, and a looooooong ass outline that will never exist beyond my wips You Fill My Heart (With Such a Gentle Love) - this is a stetopher a/b/o au with pregnant omega stiles and alpha pair petopher falling in love. it started as a labour of love to someone I no longer have in my life. I have about 30k, a full outline, but idk. makes me sad to think about it they slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered - this is my big x-men first class rewrite that I honestly don’t think i’ll ever finish. I have a few thousand words, a full outline, but no love lost for cherik so. doubtful Physiotherapy (I'll Be Your Baby) - this was a fic I was SO excited about, and then it kinda flopped and stayed a wip because I didn’t have a plan or the motivation to finish it. it’s a winterspider human au with amputee bucky and science twink peter that I adore the premise of but who knows breathing you in chapter 2 - I have a massive second chapter planned for this fic but the first did so good so fast I am way too intimidated to write more in case everyone hates it lmao

there are more arjgoirjeg there are so many more but these are the bigger ones I can think of right now!

16) What are your writing strengths?

ughhhhh I hate answering this because I have, like, seriously bad imposter syndrome around my writing BUT I do think i’m able to weave poignant backstory into narration & i write strong, distinctive narrative voices!

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

literally I can’t write settings at all. I don’t know how people vividly describe settings but I absolutely cannot do that and it’s one of the reasons I haven’t delved into original fiction. I need to write the town my characters live in?? fuck that imma just use a location we’ve seen on screen & let readers fill in the blanks lmao

I am also shit at long fic. I don’t have the mind for long and interesting plots, and I don’t have the focus to write long fic (which is why every long fic i’ve ever posted has taken me literal years to complete smh).

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I like it! both as a reader and as a writer. as a writer, I generally only use a few words, or small sentences that can be understood by context, and I generally don’t 

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

the last thing I wrote and posted was this one:

Languish

Teen And Up Audiences | No Archive Warnings Apply | M/M | X-Men (Original Timeline Movies) | John Allerdyce/Bobby Drake | Bobby Drake, John Allerdyce, X-Men (Team) | Not Canon Compliant, Future Fic, Established Relationship, Summer, Teasing, Fluff

It was a really, really hot Saturday, and most of the school was outback, enjoying the sun, not caring about the heat, and having the time of their life.

Everyone but Bobby, of course, who was melting away.

“I just want to remind everyone that I make ice. I am the Ice Man. I am not built for the heat and soon enough I’m going to melt away into nothing.”

20) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

this is another impossible question! I have a few I really enjoy, but I really don’t think I have a favourite that stands out above the rest!

i’m tagging: @4magicandmayhem @insertmeaningfulusername @midrashic @wynnefic @ikeracity @stronglyobsessed @elledelajoie @wolfnprey​ & anyone else who sees it and wants to do it! seriously! go ahead :)

blank questions below the read more!

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

3) How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

7) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

8) Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

9) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

10) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

14) What’s your all-time favorite ship?

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

16) What are your writing strengths?

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

20) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

[theywontletmebeprincipal]

can you give me drowsy headcanons, ramble, or anything please, i am so deprived. do not be afraid to make it super long, the more the better, i just love drowsy chaperone and love to hear other people (plus you’re one of the only people i’ve seen who knows a lot abt it)

ASK AND YE SHALL RECIEVE

I’ll divide this into a few different parts, going from least to most excruciatingly sad :)

1. general headcanons

2. in canon things i noticed and think about daily

3. a full analysis of man in chair’s connections with the drowsy chaperone as an in universe show (trigger warning for abuse ment, alcoholism ment, suicide ment)

SECTION ONE: HEADCANONS

- okay the chaperone is trans I don’t make the rules

- also her name is ambrosia :) she forsook her last name :)

- she’s about 12 years older than janet and kinda hung with janet’s family after leaving her own for a while . essentially she’s a big sister to janet

- aldolpho has some lines where he asks if the bride is big and/or burly and while in canon this is supposed to show he’s kind of a womanizer I like to believe it’s because he was fully prepared to fight her if needed

- speaking of which Of Course janet is ripped she does gymnastics

- my batshit crazy headcanon for this show is that dee dee allen from the prom is a descendant of roman bartelli no I will not elaborate

- is aldolpho one of those bitches with pets that definitely shouldn’t be legal? yessir

- post show kitty becomes a star okay I just want her to be happy

- the “pastry chefs” do discover a love of baking post show and now run a shop along with performing in feldzeig’s follies which might maybe be a front for some crime too

- TRIX DROWSY AND ALDOLPHO WORLD TRAVELING POLYCULE CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE

- underling’s name is james I will not elaborate on this either

- show never says what trix does so I’ve decided she’s an explorer. she charts maps and punches colonialists and drags her stupid friends along with her, the only bitch in the show with a braincell

- drowsy was a former vaudeville child star pre transition - she left the business but was a mentor to janet

- I do have a headcanon for mic’s name but in the spirit of every actor who’s ever played him I won’t fucking tell

SECTION TWO: SHIT I NOTICED

- robert refers to himself by full name a lot of the time which is v interesting given he’s named after the writer, bob martin (whose wife is also named janet van de graaf). the real bob martin is like five feet away at all times playing mic

- idk how to describe it but the dynamic kitty and feldzeig (VICTOR felgzeig. we have a name from one (1) line) have when talking to each other is so snappy and funny and good

- aldolpho’s lines in spanish are mostly romantic bullshit but his first one hints that he has/had a wife who, if we’re taking the translation literally, refused to touch him. yeah I’ll bring this up in analysis

- the “pastry chefs” provide liquor for the wedding even though it has absolutely no relevance to their mission of stopping it :)

- drowsy is like. SUPER endearing towards janet and despite her bad social skills it’s super clear she cares a lot about her

- robert speaks fluent french apparently

- everyone says “ew” after aldolpho reveals his affair with drowsy despite her being a certified milf

- the body language of drowsy in the end of the show where she takes mic’s hands and breaks the barrier between reality and fiction is just so good. she was iconic the whole show but I honestly think this final bit is what won beth leavel the Tony in the end

SECTION THREE: OH NO

before diving into the way the drowsy chaperone affects his character, we need to understand what exactly it’s playing off of. to fully understand mic’s attachment to the drowsy chaperone, we need to outline what led him to isolating himself and living in fiction to the extent that he does.

mic’s father left his family at an early age and his semi estranged alcoholic mother was the one who began his love for theatre. mic grew up in a broken household and eventually moved on to land in a one sided marriage, which lasted a few months until he slipped up and expressed his discomfort with the situation, after which he and his wife split. nowadays, he lives alone in his apartment surrounded by records he uses to escape to a better life - his favorite of which being the one his mother gave him, the drowsy chaperone.

symbolism in the drowsy chaperone regarding mic’s life can be split into two main categories - mommy issues and internalized homophobia. there isn’t nearly as much mom symbolism as there is the latter, so I’ll cover that first.

drowsy covers both bases, but she definitely has some undeniable mom symbolism going on. drowsy marries aldolpho and mom dreams of being swept off her feet by a latin lover, both feel they’ve wasted their chances at love, both drink to forget, etc. this is where the idea of the drowsy chaperone being mic’s ideal way for things to work out, a positive parallel, comes into play. given that we don’t hear too much about mic’s mom other than her connections to major life events and the record itself, we can assume they grew apart in one way or another. the key difference is that drowsy finds a happy relationship for herself and retains her bond with janet, unlike what we’re led to assume mom was like.

further elaborating on the drowsy chaperone representing mic’s ideal fantasy version of events is the wedding the drowsy chaperone’s plot centers around. here’s a list of the things that didn’t stop that damn wedding:

- a minister not showing up

- the groom cheating on the bride with the bride

- the bride having a complete mental breakdown

- indirect mafia interference

- direct mafia interference

on the flip side, what little mic says about his wedding indicates it sucked absolute ass. he spent the entire ceremony in internal distress as he went through with a life changing event he, at that point, knew at least a bit that he didn’t want. I think he also implies he had severe diarrhea on the wedding day? it gets worse when you realize mic’s relationship before the wedding wasn’t any good for him either - he was playing along the whole time because it would be cruel not to, right?

throughout the show, mic is pretty clearly shown as an extremely repressed gay man. there are five specific instances that point at romantic and/or sexual attraction to men directly and another moment outside of his commentary that pretty much confirms it if you look a little bit deeper. thus, here is what I propose - to mic, the drowsy chaperone’s wedding plot represents a world where he was able to ignore that part of himself and have a happy marriage with his wife despite all the overwhelming obstacles thrown at him. however, bits and pieces of that internalized homophobia manage to show themselves throughout the drowsy chaperone anyway despite its happy ending. here’s a rundown on a few significant instances:

- by the end of the show, the “pastry chefs”, who had literally been planning to kill feldzeig, have left their life of crime to perform with him. this symbolizes how in mic’s ideal world he would have been able to turn away from what he perceived at the time as living wrongly - his homosexuality

- at the same time, the “pastry chefs” have this line, spoken in regards to janet: “if she gets married and leaves the show... there ain’t no show.” this is a take on mic’s subconscious concern that he might lose himself if he goes on with his marriage pretending everything is alright - of course, as we already know, he doesn’t listen

- “cold feets” is a pretty obvious instance of mic’s hesitation

- aldolpho’s line in spanish regarding the wife who won’t touch him flips to reflect on mic’s treatment of his own ex wife - she was alien to him as a lover, just as aldolpho was to this woman

- janet recalls her meeting robert at a point in the show and states “we spooned, briefly, then he proposed.” though mic’s relationship pre marriage was much longer than that, it must have felt that way to him - just as quick and nonsensical as janet describes

- just as janet is caught in showbiz but has a toxic love for it, so does mic with his own repressed life

- janet has a line in “show off” that alludes to her experiencing harassment/assault: “I don’t wanna be cheered no more/ praised no more/ grabbed no more/ touched no more/ loved no more” , which I believe represents the way mic perceived his intimacy with his wife - labeled as love yet unenjoyable for him

- “I look into his eyes... I get all woozy. and that’s... love, isn’t it?” is another very clear nod to mic’s misconception of love based off the only thing he’s ever experienced, relationships with women he’s had to fake

- this is the part where I tell you the lyrics to toledo surprise are a metaphor for actively suppressing gay thoughts. I’ll just leave you with “if it tries to rise; don’t let it”. these lyrics are not comprehensive enough to make a dish - trust me, I have tried. it’s also notable that they serve a double entendre as instructions on how to beat the shit out of someone, but several lyrics are also directed towards the singer/audience. for example: “it’s a snap/ try it folks/ whip your whites/ split your yolks” is an easy metaphor for the unhealthy mental gymnastics required to repress oneself so wholeheartedly

it’s also worth noting the obvious just for the sake of it - mic copes with all this by isolating himself in a safe spot where he can use musicals to escape and live his ideal fantasy, even if it’s only for a short time. there are plenty of nods to this throughout the drowsy chaperone as well. in “as we stumble along” drowsy notes that “the best that we can do is hope a bluebird/ will sing a song/ as we stumble along” - to mic, musicals are his bluebird. while mic mostly indulges in these fantasies, he knows to a certain extent the sheer amount of time he’s spending in them is unhealthy. the first line of the show is “I hate theatre” and I think that to an extent? he does. obviously mic loves theatre as a concept, that can’t be denied. what he hates is the way he’s allowed it to confine him.

with all that out of the way, let’s move on to the most important moment of the show. if you’ve ever seen the show, you’ll know exactly which scene I’m talking about immediately. I’m referring to, of course, the infamous “l-ve while you can” scene. as janet stands at the alter she asks drowsy for one final word of advice, which is partially obscured by aldolpho dropping his cane. “l-ve while you can.” it’s a simple moment, but mic reveals to us that he’s been agonizing over it for years - did drowsy say “live” or “leave”? it occurs to everyone eventually, whether a couple days after the show like with me, or years after like with bob martin’s replacement on broadway that the most likely answer is that she had said “love while you can”. it’s this moment, when you realize why mic had never seen that as an option, that the drowsy chaperone’s status as a musical within a comedy within a tragedy is solidified. mic had no love in his life - his parents hated each other and he was forcing himself into relationships in which he felt nothing. to him, living and leaving were options, but loving never was. so he locked himself away.

as the final note on the record is playing, all power in mic’s apartment shuts down and the fantasy is ruined. the superintendent arrives and further invades his space, breaking the private sanctity he had built up for so long. she fixes the power and before mic can stop it from happening, the final note of the record plays. and the super recognizes it as a musical. she makes a remark about how much her wife loves musicals and leaves, completely unaware of what she’s just done.

mic sits in silence for a while. and then he begins to sing. gradually, the cast members begin to echo their songs, dancing around him but never touching him. then drowsy appears and sings harmony to mic. and she takes his hands. the show ends with the entire cast, including mic, taking off on trix’s airplane as the curtain falls, drowsy handing mic his record as the plane takes off.

some people interpret the ending as mic committing suicide, finally deciding between live and leave. I don’t personally believe that and neither does writer and original mic bob martin, but it’s still a valid interpretation. the drowsy chaperone’s ending is ambiguous, yes, but not to that extent. no matter what you believe the ending means, it was brought on not by the interruption of the fantasy, but by whatever realization the super’s remark about her wife triggered. as I see it, there are two main options here.

option one - mic realizes he still has time to live and to love. when he was younger the prospect of living as himself was unthinkable to him, yet now he sees that while he was spending countless years alone the world grew. drowsy offers mic her hand, an invitation to finally become what he had admired in her - someone who isn’t anywhere near perfect, but is damn well trying and living life without regret. he accepts.

option two - mic realizes that while he spent years alone the world moved on without him and he’s isolated himself so much from social interaction that he’d no longer be able to make a meaningful connection with anyone outside. so he stays inside instead, never trying, always trapped between live and leave. drowsy offers mic her hand - at least he’ll have a tune to carry with him.

I really want to believe we got option one. I think option one is the intended, really, given mic ends the show with a joyful goodbye to the audience. but the way that the ending is still left open for interpretation makes it so that we can never really know - we as the audience only get to be privy to a small part of mic’s life, and we don’t get the answers we want because at the end of the day they’re irrelevant to us - all we can do is make our own choice.

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

JK Rowling, transphobia and a hopefully helpful post.

A few days ago I posted on my Facebook (yes I have one sue me) debunking some of the things Rowling has been saying on twitter. Since she made a statement I felt the need to make another one... but this time Im sharing it here. Please note this is long, it is fairly opinionated in places but her statements have felt so insidious I want to share something in depth. If you are cis I implore you to read, but I understand this is long and a lot of people wont want to. No judgement. 

Jk Rowling’s latest statement is a mess of valid concerns and fear mongering. At this point there can be no claim she doesn’t know what shes talking about - she herself has said shes been researching this for years. She throws in token acknowledgements to “real” trans people while framing the rest of her statements as concern for confused teens.So first things first - and something that might not be popular with some of my trans friends. I agree that teenagers should not be able to medically transition. It is a choice that should be made when the brain is fully mature. Hormone blockers are something I trust - and that are reversible. I have seen enough detransitioned people hurting to feel like we do need to be careful - especially with children who are trying to find themselves. I dont know about other people but during my teens I was coming to the crushing realisation that I wasn’t special. I was learning that no matter how well I painted someone else did it better, no matter how badly I hurt someone had it worse - I was learning about the wonderful mediocrity of life, and having anything that made me stand out gave a brief reprieve from learning to be okay with all these things. For me to be fair it was dying my hair outrageous colours and dressing in black leather during 30 degree summer heat - but its still something we cant forget. I KNOW a lot of kids claiming to be trans are - and I dont want to keep that from them, however I dont want to cause harm to the kids that are wrong. Continuing on, I’d like to address her comments about TERFS. Terfs are Self Described Trans-exclusionary-radical-feminists and the term does get thrown around a little too liberally at times. Terf is not and never will be a slur. No more than “White” is. It is about a group of people who have taken it open themselves to segregate another group - and calling that what it is, is not a crime. The reason Terf and transphobe have become synonomic is because the ‘radical feminists’ that subscribe to this have lost focus on nearly all other issues of feminism and sit squarely on “dropping the T” from the lgbt community and “keeping men out of womens bathrooms.” Terfs are overwhelmingly women - this is sadly simply a fact. Terfs are reviled because of how much it feels like a betrayal to the community. A group that fights for rights - except ours. A group that wants equality - except for us. Its different to the conservatives who hate us all equally - with Terfs we are singled out. Terfs are not, as Rowling claims, inclusionary to Trans-men. I’ve been met with a combination of pity, loathing, mockery and revulsion by people within this group. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t let homophobia push me into transitioning - only for all correspondence to abruptly drop when I mention Im marrying another man. I’ve been told my old body was beautiful - only for stunned silence when I agree. I was beautiful - I was curvy, I was a dancer and had a body to match - but I wasn’t Me. When their usual arguments against me fail - I’m met with hate. Im called anti-woman, traitor, homophobic. I even have some such comments saved on my blog. I have yet to meet a Terf who was pro-trans-man. Rowling claims that had she had the ability, as a confused teen, she may have sought to transition. I hate to tell her but she did have the ability and trans people didn’t pop into existence in the twenty-first century. I’m actually looking to do my dissertation topic in my final year on lgbt presentation throughout history - and in my overeager way I’ve already started researching. James Barry has been becoming a common name for years - a transgender surgeon who died in 1865. If Barry was able to at least socially transition from 1790 to 1860, I am fairly sure Rowling could have in 1980 - over a century later. Rowling also claims that groups of friends in schools all suddenly identify as trans at the same time. Speaking from my school experience - the queer kids group together. We seek out others like us, and we take strength from each others bravery to come out - often around the same time. We almost get a rush of resolve when one of our group musters the courage and strength, and some of us use that rush to bite the bullet ourselves. Its one of the beautiful ways the lgbt community is here for one another - and the influx of people identifying as trans is partially a factor of more people knowing the name of their feelings. Survivor bias will ignore the trans people through history without the knowledge or means to transition - and will claim they were never trans at all. Her initial statements about charities worry me in particular. As I said last time - we know sex is real, we just dont really like to be defined by it. She is worried that we’re going to “rebrand medicine” and ignores that medications for years have had warnings in their leaflets about “If you are or become pregnant” regardless of if the person receiving it has a dick or a vagina. We dont advocate for ignoring the differences in how people respond to heart attacks - and I for one would like research to be done on how hormones effect that. I dont actually know if I would respond more like a cis gender woman or a cis gender man if I were to have a heart attack or a stroke. But where possible we do want to change the language around some of these things. I have had a double mastectomy, but some Cis-men have these as well. This is not a gendered term. Why should a period be called anything else? Why call it a “womens problem.” I and Im sure many other trans people, support the research into how different medical and mental issues affect different sexes. I just think that should be extended further - and we know it should, as some medical issues affect people of different ethnicities in different ways and we don’t know how. I am truly sorry that Rowling has experienced abuse and assault of any nature. I am truly sorry that she has felt unsafe. But her feelings do not invalidate others experiences. Of the trans people I know, a saddening number have been assaulted, have been abused and in particular have experienced these things domestically. There is much work to be done on this in the UK. There are nearly no mens shelters for sufferers of violence to my knowledge. I, a trans man who have experienced some of these things in my teen years, would Not want to be around cisgender women even if I could be. A cis woman was responsible for much of the pain I personally suffered - and in fact one of the acts of violence she carried out against me was directly after I came out as trans to her. Trans women, even if they could go to male shelters, should not have to be surrounded by a group that put them in danger - in a place that is detrimental to them physically and mentally and is frankly degrading. The belief that allowing trans women into shelters for those escaping abuse is dangerous is sad. To be so afraid is deserving of pity. To let fear blind you to the suffering of others - to think its better that a trans woman face homelessness or a return to an abusive household because you personally would sleep better at night is the kind of passive evil we should be aware of in this day and age. It comes from choosing to see the word “trans” before “person.” Its from choosing to see a persons genitals before their humanity. Trans people are not dangerous - and cause no greater risk than any other demographic.  Her claims that she can empathise with this fear are empty. A gender recognition certificate is not a ticket into womens bathrooms. Funnily enough you dont actually require a piece of paper to go almost anywhere. I do not have a gender recognition certificate and use male bathrooms, can enter male spaces as I please. All a gender recognition certificate does is change the letter on your birth certificate. It doesn’t even affect other forms of identification - my passport, my student id, my drivers license all already say male. I am not sure why so many people have chosen this as their hill to die on because its the least relevant thing to them on the planet. How often have any of you seen another persons birth certificate? Rowling says she and other ‘gender critical’ (a terf dogwhistle) people are concerned for trans youth. Well… she can take her condescending concern and direct it to matters that are relevant to her. Trans people want to be left alone. Its a simple request, and yet people endlessly seem to trip over the dirt level bar.

[addictedtoeddie]

The full Esquire Spain interview translated from Spanish:  

Eddie Redmayne trial: guilty of being the most talented (and stylish) actor of his generation

The Oscar winner talks about what it means to premiere a film with Aaron Sorkin (The Chicago 7th Trial on Netflix) and filming the new part of the most famous saga of all time under the watchful eye of its author, J.K. Rowling.

By Alba Díaz (text) / JUANKR (photos and video) / Álvaro de Juan (styling) 10/23/2020  

At the Kettle’s Yard Gallery in Cambridge, stands alone and leaning on a piano Prometheus, a marble head made by Constantin Brâncusi, and the only piece of art that Eddie Redmayne (London, 1982) would save from possible massive destruction. He tells me about it as he leaves the filming set of the third installment of Fantastic Beasts in the early days of an autumn that, we suspect, we will never forget. It begins to get dark as the actor nods seriously: "I promise to do my best in this interview."

Eddie Redmayne made himself in the theater despite some voices warning him that he could not survive in it. "Many people were in charge to tell me that it would never work, that only extraordinary cases make it and that I would not be able to live from this professionally." Even his father came home one day with a list of statistics on unemployed young actors. Redmayne, who is extremely modest, polite and funny, adds: “But I enjoyed theater so much that I got to the point of thinking that if I could only do one play a year for the rest of my life… I would do it. And that would fill me completely.

Spoiler: since then until today he has participated in many more. He set his first foot in the industry when he debuted at the Shakespeare’s Globe Theater and won over critics and audiences. He then landed his first major role in My Week with Marilyn opposite Michelle Williams. And then came one of the roles of his life, the character he wanted to become an actor for, Marius. With him he sang, led a revolution and broke Cosette's heart in Les Miserables. “I found out about the Les Misérables auditions when I was shooting a movie in Illinois. Dressed like a cowboy. I picked up the iPhone and videotaped myself singing the Marius song. I always wanted to be him ”.

Now Redmayne is an Oscar winner - thanks to his portrayal of Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything - and the protagonist of one of the most important sagas in history, Fantastic Beasts. He plays the magizoologist Newt Scamander in it. When I ask him what it means to him to be the protagonist of a magical world that is so important to millions of people, Eddie sighs and takes a few seconds to answer. “I have always loved the Harry Potter universe. Some people like The Lord of the Rings or Star Wars ... But, for me, the idea that there is a magical world that happens right in front of you, that happens without going any further on the streets of London, that. .. That exploded my imagination in another way.

During the quarantine, J. K. Rowling, who has been in charge of the script of the film, sparked a controversy through a series of tweets about transgender women. Redmayne assures that he does not agree with these statements but that it does not approve of the attacks of some people through social networks. The actor was one of the first to position himself against Rowling alongside Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and other protagonists of her films. "Trans women are women, trans men are men, and non-binary identities are valid."

After having spent a while talking, Redmayne confesses to me that he has never been a big dreamer not to maintain certain aspirations that ended up disappointing him. So he has always kept a handful of dreams to himself. One of them was fulfilled just a few weeks ago with the premiere of The Trial of the Chicago 7, a film written and directed by Aaron Sorkin that can already be seen on Netflix and in some - few - cinemas. “I was on vacation with my wife in Morocco and the script arrived. I think I called my agent before I even read it and said yes, I would. She probably thought the obvious, that I'm stupid. After that, of course I read the script, which is about a specific moment in history that I knew very little about. I found it exciting and a very relevant drama in today's times. "

And it is that having a script by Aaron Sorkin in your hands is no small thing. Eddie Redmayne has been a fan of his work ever since he saw The West Wing of the White House. “His scripts have delicious language and dialogue. As an actor, it's fun to play characters that are much smarter than you are in real life. That virtuosity is hard to come by. I really hope that audiences enjoy this movie and feel that there is always hope. " He remembers that since he released The Theory of Everything he has recorded, to a large extent, English period dramas, “and although the new Aaron Sorkin is not strictly contemporary,” says Redmayne, “to be able to wear jeans and shirts and sweaters instead of so much tweed is great ”.

Besides acting, art was the only thing the actor was interested in, so he ended up studying Art History at Cambridge University. “My parents are quite traditional and when I told them I wanted to act they gave me free rein but on the condition that I study a career. And I'm very grateful for that because ... Look, beyond that, when I play a real character I usually go to the National Portrait Gallery in London quite often. There I lock myself up. Now, for Sorkin's film, I went through a lot of photographs and videotapes. Art helps me to be more creative, to get into paper ”. If he were not an actor, he would be, he says decidedly, a historian or perhaps a curator. "Although I think he would be a very bad art curator."

Against all logic, Eddie Redmayne is color blind. But there is a color that you can distinguish anywhere and on any surface: klein blue. He wrote his thesis on the French artist Yves Klein and the only shade of blue he used in his works. He wrote up to 30,000 words talking about that color with which he became obsessed. “It is surprising that a color can be so emotional. One can only hope to achieve that intensity in acting. "

Like his taste for art, which encompasses the refined and compact, Redmayne seems to be in the same balance when it comes to the roles he chooses. When I ask him what aspects a character he wants to play should have, he takes a few seconds again before answering: “I wish I had a more ingenious answer but I will tell you that I know when my belly hurts. It's that feeling that I trust. In my mind I transport him to imagine myself playing that character. When I read a script I have to really enjoy it. You never fully regret those instincts. It's like when you connect with something emotionally. "

So we come to the conclusion that all his characters have some traits in common. "You know what? I never look back, and this is something personal, but I do believe that there is a parallel between Marius in Les Misérables trying to be a revolutionary, someone who is quite prone to being distracted by love but at the same time is willing to die for his cause, and Tom Hayden from The Chicago Trial of the 7 who was a man who had integrity and was passionate and fought for the things he believed in. So I suppose there may also be similarities between a young Stephen Hawking and Newt Scamander. There are traits in common in all of them that I don't really know where they come from ”.

When we talk about the year we are living in, in which it is increasingly difficult to find hope, we both let out a nervous laugh. "There must be," Redmayne says. “There is something very nice that Tom Hayden, the character I play in Sorkin's film, said to his former wife, actress Jane Fonda, just the day before she passed away. He told her that watching people die for their beliefs changed his life forever. In that sense, I also think about what Kennedy Jr. wrote about how democracy is messy, tough and never easy ... As is believing in something to fight for. I look at history and how they were willing to live their lives with that integrity to change the world and I realize that somehow that spirit still remains with us. " We fell silent thinking about it. "There must be hope."

I tell him about my love for Nick Cave's blog, The Red Hand, and one of the posts that I have liked the most in recent weeks. In it, the singer affirms that his response to a crisis has always been to create, an impulse that has saved him many times. For Redmayne there are two activities that can silence noise: drawing and playing the piano. “When you play the piano your concentration is so consumed by trying to hit that note that you can't think of anything else. Similarly, when you draw something, the focus is between the paper and what you are trying to recreate ... There I try to calm my mind.

Before saying goodbye, I drop a question that I thought I knew the answer to, but failed. What work of art would you save from mass destruction? "How difficult! I could name my favorite artists but still couldn't choose a work. Only one piece? Let me think. I am very obsessed with Yves Klein, but I would stick with a work by Brancusi. There is a sculpture of him, a small head called Prometheus, in Cambridge's Kettle’s Yard, on a dark mahogany piano. The truth is that I find it very ... beautiful ”.

Before leaving, he confesses to me - with a childish and slow voice - that he would like to direct something one day. We said goodbye, saying that we will talk about his next project. Next, the first thing I do is open the Google search engine. "P-r-o-m-e-t-h-e-u-s". Although Eddie Redmayne has trouble distinguishing violet from blue, he doesn't have them when choosing a good piece. He's right, that work deserves to be saved.

* This article appears in the November 2020 issue of Esquire magazine

Source: esquire.com/es/actualidad/cine/a34434114/eddie-redmayne-juicio-7-chicago-netflix-entrevista/

[melissatreglia]

Colder than Winter (Part 2)

(Again, this is an edit of an old RP done on this day in 2017. It was written by myself, @southerndragontamer​ and antisilverstorm at the time. Part 1 is located here, if you haven’t had the chance to read it yet. This part also contains a battle scene: relevant warnings apply.)

With a flash and an oddly muted sizzle, Alex arrived in the one clear spot of floor in their bedroom. They’re just about to breathe a sigh of relief when they realized Grace’s hand was no longer in their own.

“Grace?” They spun on the spot, desperately searching for a sign of their friend. But they were alone in their room.

“Grace!” They tore through the apartment checking every room. No, no, this couldn’t be happening. They had concentrated so hard. They had been so certain of every detail. Why hadn’t it worked? Why? Was it just a ploy by Dark? To keep her there? He’d seemed so concerned, but maybe it was all a ruse. The attack and everything.

Maybe they just screwed up really bad.

They stood alone in their living room, pulling at their hair, their breath uneven and shallow, their heart beating furiously. The gateway! Grace had mentioned something about the gateway. Maybe she had just ended up there? Maybe they needed to go get her back from Dark. 

They were going to fix this. They had to. Whatever it took.

They burst out of their apartment and took off sprinting towards where Ulysses and I still waited, as if the hounds of Hell themselves were on their heels. It was a long run, but Alex arrived at the gateway... panting, heart racing a million miles an hour, only to find just me and Ulysses, with Grace nowhere in sight.

“Grace? Grace!” Alex shouted, falling to their knees in exhaustion. Tears started to drip down their cheeks as they gasped with stuttering breaths. “Tell me she’s here! Fuck, tell me she’s here!”

I stared at them in confusion. “No. She’s supposed to be… with you…”

I exchanged a look with Ulysses. He gazed at me evenly, his expression as grim as mine probably was.

“Looks like we’re goin’ in, after all, blue boi. Let’s saddle up.”

“I don’t even know for sure she’s there.” Alex shuddered. “I don’t even know for sure she’s...” They cut off, their throat closed at just the idea. “I fucked up. I fucked up real bad.”

They climbed unsteadily to their feet, clumsily wiping tears from their eyes. “But I guess I have to go see. This was my mistake. And I,” -- they drew their knife, the weapon sliding out silently due to a coating of holy oil -- “I’m going to do whatever it takes to fix it.”

“We’re going to fix it,” I corrected them. “The Shadow Realm’s the last place you saw her, so it’s the first place we should go.”

I stepped closer to Alex, my voice becoming what I hope is a more soothing tone. “Look, Alex. You can’t go back there alone, I can’t just sit back and cool my heels while Grace may be in danger, and we need a demon guide so we don’t get lost.

“So we go together or not at all.” I sighed, feeling bad for not being as comforting as I’d like to be during this time.

But that was the problem: time. Or, more to the point, not having any.

“I can’t say the help isn’t appreciated.” Though they were speaking to me, Alex’s eyes remained fixed on the portal in front of us. “But if Dark wasn’t just being a manipulative asshole, then it’s a war zone in there right now. An I-don’t-know-how-we-survive kind of war zone. But if you’re certain...”

I turned to Ulysses. “Is the gateway ready to reopen?”

My demon companion frowned. “It should be… right abouuut… now.”

There’s a loud CRACK as the portal reopens. I nearly jumped out of my damn skin at the sound. “It didn’t make that sound last time!”

“Well, the last time, a Hellgod opened it,” Ulysses replied in a moderately annoyed tone.

“But it’ll be safe, right?”

“As safe as a trans-dimensional rip in the space-time continuum can possibly be.”

“Joy.” I offered my hand to Alex. “You ready, kiddo?”

They hesitantly took my hand, “Yeah. Let’s fucking do this thing.”

Ulysses took my other hand, and we stepped into it together.

It’s the same vertigo-inducing sensation as before, and Alex grabbed my hand tighter as up and down became vague concepts.

But they landed with their knife out in front of them, fighting back the twisting of their stomach, ready to take on otherworldly horrors. But we were greeted only by the same unending darkness. 

Our eyes went to the horizon, or where the horizon should be, searching for Dark’s ostentatious manor.

---------------------------------

For a moment, Grace just stood there stunned and hurt. Alex left me? Why? Did I do something wrong? No wait, maybe the coin only worked with one person... She shook herself out of her shock and looked at Dark. And paled at the anger she saw in His now pupilless obsidian eyes, an anger that could slaughter millions. But she wasn’t afraid, at least, not for herself. Oh Alex, my friend, I’m so sorry. But you ticked off the wrong Hellgod.

Dark looked angry enough to start breathing fire as He stepped away from her. His vessel cracked and this bone chilling, earth shaking roar of anger made her stumble slightly, almost falling to her knees.

“They had one task, a task they had set for themselves. To protect you. This is unacceptable. They have failed… and for that, they will die.”

She froze. His voice reverberated in her head, static and ringing in her ears. No! I don’t want Alex to die because of a mistake! Grace took a breath, holding onto any courage she had and walked over to the enraged Hellgod. She grabbed His hand and looked Him in the eye.

“Dark, I know your angry, furious at what just happened. I am too... but I don’t think Alex left me willingly. You saw how protective they were of me till now. That isn’t something you just fake, and they were the only one with a hold on the coin. I wasn’t, I just had their hand. I wasn’t touching the coin at all. And we may have thought of different places as well. Please don’t kill them for something that isn’t their fault.” 

“The coin would have taken you both, so long as you held onto each other and thought of the same place.”

He looked Grace in the eye. “I do not wish to be harsh with you, My love. But I ask you: Did I or did I not give clear instructions? And did you or did you not state exactly where it was you wanted to go?”

He took one of her hands in both of His. “My Grace, you weren’t in danger before, but you are now. You will be nothing more than prey to the other creatures of this Realm, if you stay for too long. And that… is because of Me.

“I will do everything in My power to ensure your safety. But your safety would not be in question now, had your self-appointed protector played their part.”

She nodded.

“Yes Dark, You did give clear instructions. And yes, I told Alex where I wanted us to end up. However, Alex was scared. I could feel them shaking and mortals don’t always think clearly in fear. They may have thought of a location they associated with safety as a response to their fear, instead of the location I said in case they couldn’t remember it clearly. If I know Alex as well as I think I do-and I do-They are most likely frantic right now in worry for me and on their way back here to help, if they can make a second trip.” She smiled at Him gently, chocolate brown eyes warm, setting her other hand atop their joined ones .

“My King, I was in danger the moment I revealed how I felt toward You. None of this I blame on You, Dark.” She leaned up slightly on her tiptoes and kissed Him sweetly a moment. “I trust You Dark, My King.”

Dark sighed and gently ran a hand through Grace’s hair. “I will do all I can to ensure that your trust in Me is never unwarranted.

“I will spare your friend’s life… but only because you asked.”

I’m so giving you a Gibbs-smack when you get back here, Alex, she thought, sighing softly as He stroked her hair. She smiled soft and grateful at Him.

“I believe You, My King. A seven-nation army couldn’t hold You back when Your loved ones are in danger. Now until the Calvary gets here what can I do? Can I still borrow one of Anti’s knives?” 

Meg ran back into the library, bearing arms like a member of a post-apocalyptic survivalist militia. “Everybody in the house has a weapon now, Daddy.”

“Grace will need one as well, for self-defense,” Dark replied. “One hopes it will not come to that, however.” 

Grace nodded, gently squeezing His arm. “I hope not either, but better safe than sorry.” 

Meg rifled through the handful of blades on her person. “Hmmm. I think this one might do it.” She offered a light dirk dagger to Grace. “See how that feels in your hands, if the grip is comfy.”

“Thanks.” Grace took the dagger from her and gave it a few light swings in the air away from them, testing how it felt in her hand. She nodded. “Yeah, it's comfy. I like this one.” 

“Very good.” Dark then turned to Meg. “I will need you to guard Grace. Do whatever you feel is necessary to ensure that she remains unharmed.”

Meg gave a minute nod. “Yes, sir.”

Dark pivoted on His heel and strode out the door. “Let’s go.”

Grace momentarily placed the dagger in her belt and started doing up her hair. “I need something to tie this up with, it's a battle hazard otherwise.”  

Meg ripped a band of cloth from the waist area of her shirt, and stepped behind Grace to pull the woman’s hair up. “I know this isn’t much, but we don’t have a lot of time before shit hits the fan.”

Meg worked quickly, tying Grace’s hair up in a bun. “Less to grab than a ponytail,” she said, then headed for the door. “Come on, you don’t want to miss the action.”

Dark eased to the front line of the small group that was the manor’s defenders. The rumbling sound increased, and everyone’s nerves were stretched bowstring tight. Then the enemy appeared from the darkness.

It was a horde bearing down on them. The rumble they had heard earlier was, in fact, the horde’s footsteps as they surged forward.

Dark glanced over to Anti, and nodded. Anti gave a nod in return, and it was clear that more had been shared between the two males than a simple glance.

Dark’s little patchwork group of defenders met the oncoming horde head-on, the sounds of the clash between the two sides ranging from angry roars to shrill screams, to the clank of metal on metal or the slick wet sound of rending flesh.

Meg was at Grace’s side, a whirling mass of knives impaling anything that threatened to get too near. 

Grace reacted as one mook got close to her other side but, doing her best to use her plus-size weight to her advantage, she slashed sideways. Black blood spurted from the wound she’d made in the demon’s torso and she could faintly see organs of some sort among it. Grace could feel the shock of what she just did but tried to block it from her mind. Do NOT panic, Grace! This is a VERY BAD time to panic!

She managed to dodge a demon that leapt at her. Meg helpfully sliced its throat open and it fell dead. The demoness whirled the blade around in her hand and stabbed at another’s eye. Fear-driven sweat dripped on Grace’s face. Meg was clearly the better fighter, but Grace was also doing her best simply to stay alive.

Dark could be seen amid the tightest clutch of the horde, sweeping away His opponents with the deadly precision of a buzzsaw. At least, that’s what I saw when we got there.

I wrenched the sawed-off shotgun from my back and loaded it with rock salt rounds, ready to fire.

“Looks like we’re fashionably late to the party, guys,” I pitched my voice over the raging battle, so Ulysses and Alex could hear me. “I’ll give you cover fire, you kick ‘em in the ass!”

When I fired the first round, I heard Grace shout, “Took y’all long enough!” I found myself chuckling, in spite of the seriousness of the situation.

Alex dove into the fray, with only one goal in mind: making it to Grace. But they never quite got there.

They knew where to aim, back and neck, under the arm close to the ribcage, kidneys to wound, back of the knee to incapacitate. But the non-human physiology of our enemies complicated matters, and the battle was pure hell. Bloody, close quarters, across a flat ground soaked in blood, and beginning to pile up with guts and corpses.

I was far enough away that I didn’t have to worry about being in the thick of it. But I was far luckier than my friends, in that regard. I didn’t give the demons a chance to get too close to me, either, loading and firing rock salt rounds as fast as I could.

I didn’t see what took Alex down. I don’t think they did either. A nasty set of claws, definitely, as Alex was wounded by a slash all down their back from shoulder to hip.

“Get Alex outta there!” I shouted at Ulysses, as Alex went down.

Bless the boy. Because the second the coast was clear, he draped Alex in a fireman’s carry, taking our half-conscious friend far enough away from the battle.

I stepped back a few steps further and hunkered down protectively beside Alex, reloading and continuing to fire rock salt at the demons who were busy trying to kill Dark’s crew.

Dark Himself was still kicking some serious ass out there, moving in a deadly ballet as if He were Neo in the Matrix. Showoff. For a split second, I was tempted to fire a round at Him too, purely out of spite. But I quickly realised just how dumb that would be. Better the devil you know, after all.

“Alex, you gotta stay with me,” I said to my friend, not entirely sure they can hear me. But I couldn’t let them pass out from the shock and pain. That would be all kinds of bad at the moment. “You gotta pull yourself out of it. You can’t sleep until this is over, then you can sleep all you need to. Okay?”

Alex mumbled something in response about a witch king and demons not being as cool as oliphants. It didn’t make a whole ton of sense, but at least it let me know Alex was alive -- albeit not all there at the moment.

I heard Grace scream for Alex, before something jumped on her, clamping down against her calf. Grace’s scream turned to one of pain, and Ulysses dove back in to retrieve her. She stabbed blindly at the creature trying to gnaw at her, and I got a shot off at the creature’s body. But it was Meg who made the killing blow, sliding her blade under the creature’s jaw and forcing it to let go of our friend, before slicing open the creature’s throat.

Meg’s eyes were black with fury as she shoved the dead demon-thing away, helping Grace up and handing her over to Ulysses. “Alex. I gotta make sure they’re okay,” Grace said, in between pants. Ulysses obliged, pulling her out of the fight and over towards me. 

“Hey, Miss Melissa, thanks for looking after us,” Grace said, clearly exhausted, and smiled weakly at me. She crawled over to Alex’s side. “Hey gardener, don’t die on me. I still have to smack you for not listening. Got it?”

Alex mumbled, “No. Not gardener… Rohan. And captain? Guardian? The citadel. It doesn’t fall, right? We win. Don’t want to miss the coronation.”

I heard Grace laugh in relief. Apparently, if Alex could make Lord of the Rings references, then maybe it wasn’t that bad, after all. “Alex, I’m not going anywhere,” Grace said. “It’s okay.”

A sudden ripple passed through me. Not a shiver of cold, or of fear, but of forethought.

Dark’s True Form. I can see it. Or the closest approximation my human mind can comprehend. It hasn’t happened yet. But it will soon.

He’s about to drop His vessel.

I immediately laid my shotgun on the ground and shielded the eyes of my wounded friends. “Guys, you don’t want to see this. Trust me.”

Grace jumped at my sudden movement, but obediently shut her eyes. She gently squeezed Alex’s hand. “Shut them, Merry. This won’t be pretty.”

“No, no, I’m not going to sleep. I can’t, Grace… I don’t want to go.” Alex’s mumbles were frantic.

On the battlefield, with a sizable amount of their enemies still present, Dark knew He couldn’t keep this up while still bound to His vessel.

He had heard Grace’s cry of pain, and that only fueled the fire in Him now. He stepped back as quickly as He could to a relatively untouched spot. Oily smoke shot from His vessel’s mouth then, as the body dropped lifelessly to the floor, the smoke coalesces.

His True Form emerged, talons splayed and wings bent but still beating in this supernatural darkness. His many eyes glared with undisguised fury, and His roar both pierced the air and made what passed for ground here tremble.

I heard Alex’s shriek of fear and pain.

The remaining demons taste fear for the first time as they looked upon this Leviathan, absorbed the inherent wrongness of it. A thing that even these demons do not fully understand. A thing that should not exist in this, or any, world.

But it does. By the gods, it does. And if any were merciful, they might spare a few lives to carry the tale of what had happened. But there is only one god present to hear their prayers and pleading… and He is not inclined to be merciful tonight.

He tore through the ranks of the horde without hesitation, His strength no longer bound by the limitations of human flesh.

He can also hear the thoughts of those around Him, the fear of both friends and enemies… and relief from one person. Dark, you’re alright. Good. Give these intruders no mercy, My King.

Dark heard that thought and snarled in pleasure at it. He continued to mow the pitiful demons down, until the only survivors were the ones who fought on His side for this evening.

The damage done, His bloodlust sated, He returned to His restrictive but familiar vessel. The empty body is once again the container for His essence, and the filter for Him to communicate with lesser beings.

Though He had not considered Grace a lower being for some time now. She is the exception that proves the rule.

He sat up, cracked His neck and shifted the joints from their atrophied state, then stood. Smoothing down His jacket once again, He made His way over to the small clutch of humans and demons.

I reluctantly got out of His way as He lifted Grace into His arms, bridal style, being careful of her wounded leg. Neither of us were willing nor able to let her go, but for different reasons.

“D-Dark don’t!,” Grace protested. “I-I’m heavy and You’re probably tired from the fight.”

“Nonsense,” I heard Dark say to Grace. “You are a feather, dearest.”

I rolled my eyes. Boy, He’s really laying it on thick, isn’t He?

“The term, ‘feather light’ isn’t something usually directed at me. For obvious reasons,” Grace said, clearing her throat. It was obvious she was trying to wipe away some familiar negative thoughts, even as she spoke. But she relented, laying her head on His shoulder.

Meg looked up at her father. “We have to get them out of here. This is no place for a couple of injured humans.”

Dark nodded. “Agreed. Let us proceed to the gateway.”

“Grace,” Alex murmured. “Don’t trust him. He’s a bad man, Grace. A bad, bad man. Melissa. Tell her. He’s a bad man. Shifty, missing shadow motherfucker. I don’t like him.”

Alex’s nervous mutterings pulled me out of my introspective state. “Alex,” I told them softly, close to their ear so no one else can eavesdrop. “It’s okay. I’ll handle it.”

“‘s not okay,” Alex slurred, trying desperately to stay awake. “She trusts him. Can’t…can’t do that. Grace. Melissa. You gotta watch her. She’s gone, I can’t. Wasn’t good enough. It’s empty, just like it always is.” But the fight is eventually gone from them, as the pain of their wounds becomes too much. “Damned nasty-ass spider.”

“Shh. Alex. You can rest now. You’re off-duty and I’m on the job.” I continued to whisper gentle and calming words to them. “It will turn out alright. I’ve got this.” I then turned to Ulysses. “Do you have enough energy to carry Alex through the gateway?”

Ulysses nodded. “I’ll manage.”

Grace looked at at Meg from her position in Dark’s arms. “Thanks for backing me up. You were a badass.”

Meg smiled and gave a slight nod, but otherwise said nothing.

The way through the portal was no different than the previous trip through it, and we arrived back at the meeting place we had all started.

“Ulysses, Dark. If you’d set them both down, gently.” I then turned to Meg. My eyes narrowed at her, because I remember how she treated me too. “You do exactly as I say. I want them both patched up.”

I walked over to the car, and open the boot. Rifling among the other objects in there, I pulled out a first aid kit. “We just need them stable enough to get them transported to a hospital. Meg and Ulysses, you both have special demon-y senses; you can see what I can’t. So it’s up to you two.”

Meg glared at me, obviously not liking having a human order her around. She turned to Dark and He gave her an encouraging nod. She sighed and squatted down and, between her and Ulysses, the cleaning and bandaging of wounds began.

Grace winced after playing with her glasses, and taking them off revealed that the skin on the bridge of her nose was raw. Another to add to the list of wounds and abrasions to patch up, and her hand came away with a little dot of blood.

But apparently that was enough for her. She began to shiver from delayed panic, face going waxy and pale. “Oh God what did I just do?! I-I killed-” She swallowed hard. “I-I killed demons! Holy shit!” She clung to Dark fiercely, as if He were her lifeline. “Don’t-Don’t let me go, Dark, My King, My Hades.” She began to ramble a little. “I’m sorry I got hurt, but Alex is my friend! I-I couldn’t leave them! I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at Meg, please! It wasn’t her fault.”

Alex had passed out… and perhaps that was for the best. The poor dear had been delirious from the pain.

Dark shushed Grace. “It’s quite alright, My love. I won’t leave you. Not now. Not ever.”

Yeah, about that... I definitely have a few reservations.

With a saccharine sweetness, I told Dark, “I hate to break up this lovely Kodak moment, but I’d like to talk to You, Dark. Alone.”

Panic returned for Grace. “No! Please don’t, please don’t. Don’t-Don’t leave me Dark! You promised!”

“Hush, love. It will only be for a moment. I’ll come back. I promise.”

“Yeah, I’m just borrowing your boyfriend for a few minutes,” I added.

She seemed to latch onto that, finding a little comfort, and the panic subsided. She nodded shakily, and finally released her grip on Him.

The shotgun felt heavier than usual in my hands as Dark and I walked far enough away where we wouldn’t be heard.

“Seems like Grace has gotten really attached to You,” I said to him. “Is it mutual?”

“Unequivocally.”

“Good, then You’ll understand this.” I fired a round of rock salt at Him, hitting Him in the kneecap.

He hissed in pain, doubling over, then gave a short and breathless laugh. “If that was for our last meeting, you stated your case clearly enough.” He straightened up. “You know rock salt can’t kill Me.”

“Oh, I know. But it sure stings like a bitch, doesn’t it?”

“Perhaps then, you’d care to explain why you shot Me?”

“It’s like this, Big Guy,” I finally told Him. “You hurt Grace or anyone else I care about, physically or psychologically, I’ll pump You so full of rock salt, You’ll be crappin’ Margaritas for a month. We clear?”

“I understand completely.”

“Good. You can go on then. Your girlfriend’s waiting.”

We returned to see a calmer Grace chatting with Meg about her injuries, watching as she and Ulysses worked. “How bad are they? Be honest.”

“Not great, but not that bad, either,” the demoness replied. “And you’ll probably be on crutches for awhile.”

“Will I lose it you think? I know the damned thing tore into it like a dog with a toy.” Grace winced. “And it hurts. A lot.”

“As long as we get you to a hospital, you’ll be fine,” Ulysses said. “You should both be fine.”

She breathed another sigh of relief. She turned then, perking up as she saw Dark and myself returning. Grace smiled at us, despite the pain.

“With what I just overheard, I believe we need to get you both medical attention.” Dark bent down and picked her up again. Once more Grace clung to Him. “Meg, you will carry Alex, and do be gentle with them. Wouldn’t want to waste your hard work now, would we?”

Meg nodded once and set Alex over her shoulder in a fireman's carry. Dark looked down at the woman in His arms.

“Now hold onto Me, dearest Grace. This may not be pleasant.” She nodded and shut her eyes... then the two demons start to move very quickly, away from me. Almost like they were in a really fast car with the windows down, but Grace was already half passed-out.

I sighed and began to pack away my first aid kit and the weapons into the car. This was definitely one for the books.

---------------------------------

When Grace came to, she was in the hospital. It was a familiar feeling, though not quite in the same context. Her leg was tightly bandaged and slightly elevated. She could hear a heart monitor beeping, but it wasn’t hers. It was from the bed beside her own.

Sitting up, she looked over and saw Alex in the other bed. Grace teared up at the sight of her friend. They looked a little pale, bandages all over their chest and stomach but were still breathing evenly. She looked at the heart monitor attached to them and was relieved that it didn’t waver. 

She whispered so as not to wake them. “I’m so glad you’re okay,  Alex. You really had me worried there. And I hope you’re ready to get smacked upside the head when you’re better, for not listening to me earlier. Then I’ll hug the stuffing out of you for coming back for me, despite the danger.” She laughed softly and laid back in the bed.

What a night this was, I dined with the Devil, in his own home nonetheless! I met His kids and they like me so far. And I got my first kiss. Then as if that wasn’t enough, I fought and killed demons! Oh I know no one will believe this. But maybe my new scar will help with that.

She turned over as best she could.

Alex was right. I shouldn’t trust Him. He’s a master manipulator, a seducer. He psychologically tortures people, for Pete’s sake! But I do trust Him because, despite that. He’s honorable in His own way, honest, loyal, funny, kind and caring to those He protects. It’s stupid, and probably insane, but I trust Him.

And… this isn’t a schoolgirl’s crush. I think… I think I’m a little in love with Him. Heaven help me.

Deciding to try and get sleep, she whispered, “Good night, Alex. Sleep well. Hope you feel better come morning.” 

Her eyes flicked to a dark corner of the room. She wasn’t sure if He was actually there or if she was dreaming it, but she decided it didn’t really matter. Maybe He’d hear her anyway. “Good night, Dark.” 

Grace fell asleep with a soft smile on her face.

[alifeasvivid]

(1/6) Okay so... That post about people saying things like I wish I was gay or I wish I was the other gender is like... Annoyingly relevant to me. For the past couple weeks I've been seriously struggling with thoughts of "I wish I was a guy" and it's been insanely hard at times?? Like, I've suffered from fairly severe depression and bouts of anxiety for years, but this is a whole new thing for me.

Alright! I’m here. I had a lot to do today, thank you for being patient, anon.

First of all, do not apologize. You asked me if you could vent in my inbox and I said yes. So say “thank you for hearing me out, Sonder.” In which case, you’re welcome. :P (I will get you kiddos into this habit, so help me gods.)

Second, it is an absolute myth that every trans person, binary or otherwise, knows from the time they’re a kid that they are just “different.” A lot of people don’t figure it out until later, particularly if they are never exposed to other trans people or if they don’t have the language for it. 

As for me, I’ve always been out of step with most people in just about every way and it was always hard to parse out which way was affecting what interaction. I am afab, agender. My pronouns are they/them, but I prefer male endearments (bro, dude, man, son, etc.), this is made difficult to communicate by the fact that I like to be stylish and, like you, the clothes that fit my body type best are very femme. I wore a binder, cargo shorts, and t-shirts for a long time. I do still keep my hair cut short in a masculine style, but I got bored of looking boring in my style of dress. 

Also, I swung all the way toward thinking I might be a trans man for good long while, but in the end, I came back to identifying as agender. So you’re not alone. I have struggled and still struggle in a similar way as you.

So... you didn’t ask explicitly, but here are some recommendations for things you can try.

1) don’t worry about your body type right now. Your body is your body. It is not a womanly body if you do not identify as a woman and if you come to the conclusion that you are a trans guy, there actually ARE things you can do to change how it looks, but... let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

2) Get a binder and wear it when your boyfriend isn’t around. This sounds sneaky, but you’re not sure about yourself right now and maybe you wear a binder and dress like a dude and figure out it’s not for you and if you wear it away from him, then you won’t have upset him unnecessarily. Get a binder from gc2b, btw. I’ve tried several others and they are the best.

You honestly sound a lot like me. I’ve never been super femme--my default outfit in high school and college was an oversized sweatshirt and dark wash jeans. I had long hair, but I wore it up every day, no exceptions. You probably won’t be happy with yourself until you find a label you like or until you can come to some conclusions about yourself, so I’d say focus on just experimenting right now. Contrary to what much of the world and the binary trans community say... it is absolutely okay to be unsure. Being absolutely 100% of one’s gender has been a pre-requisite for getting hormones and surgeries for binary trans people for YEARS AND YEARS so I understand why they feel that way, but it’s very impractical and goes against the nature of all other human experiences.

I’m going to tell you a thing my therapist at the gender identity center I went to told me:

If you are even questioning your gender at all, then you are most likely not cis. Whatever else you might be, you’re probably not cis, so that makes you part of the LGBT family (regardless of what anyone else says and if anyone harasses you about it, you let me know. I will kick ass and take names.)

Try to let go of some of the intense emotions you have and try not to assign judgement to anything right now and just let yourself feel the way you feel. If you can, talk to counselor or therapist who is well-versed in gender issues. And... one thing about your boyfriend... I don’t know what your relationship is with him, but I know that you’re the one who has to live with you your whole life, no one else. I know we all make choices and sacrifices about how to be around the people we love, but just keep that in mind.

I know what it’s like to not feel good in your body. I am teaching myself to accept mine the way it is, but it’s very difficult; I keep looking at it and feeling like something is not right about it and having no idea what that something is or what to change or anything. It’s not easy, but just be patient with yourself.

Thank you for trusting me with this, anon. I hope I have helped you in some way.