#yes this means i will miss the succession finale. yes it will take every fibre of my being not to kill myself on the spot

[wambsgender]

back in 2 weeks

[bohemiansweede]

HOT SPACE

HOT SPACE

Fanfic

Pairing Brian May Reader

Warnings Smut 🔞

A/N Please like and reblog or if you want leave a comment

Thank You

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- No.. I really like the "HOT SPACE" album Bri.. No matter what you or the critics might think..

- It's fuckin disco Y/N...

- Maybe it will take time for it to sink in for some people.. And it is just because you don't dance.. You'll never know.. maybe you like it later on..

Brian shrugged his shoulders and took down the last of his beer before he hinted to the bartender to give him another one

He looked around and saw John, clearly drunk dancing on around the tables, Freddie was happy, he chatted and mingled with everyone, Roger was cheerful and snuggled in his girlfriends neck

- Damn it.. This party sucks aswell.. maybe I begin tog get to old for this shit

The release party was a huge success for everyone.. well.. Everyone else but Brian

- Bri C'mon.. Cheer up a little, a new tour is coming, you enjoy to be on the road right?

- Yeah.. It's not that love.. Ehhmm, I have been thinking a lot lately and... I am well over 30 and.. Damnit.. I don’t have my own family.. Even Roger.. Can you believe Roger got a kid before ME!!

- Brian, you are drunk.., you have never mentioned this before..

You could clearly see the panic form in his eyes and even if he had been drinking, you knew he was right

You sipped on your drink and twirled the tiny umbrella between your fingers

- I am serious Y/N.. I have been so deep into writing and music that I have just literally missed everything else around me and.. I know that don't have a biological clock like you girls but... still... And you? You are still falling for wrong guys or am missing something?

You knew that he was right

All idiots were drawn to you like magnets, and you were closing in on 30..shit

- Sooo... What are you plan then, you are not exactly meeting your wife while sitting in your studio.. Or.. Hey.. You can go to one of thoose clinics and wank off in a mug... Giggle

- No fuckin way.. Are you fuckin mad??? I am kinda famous.. Have you forgot that?

You kept giggling, you could see him in front of you, sneak in there with a big coat and hat..

- Sry Bri... Just thought... Well... If not that and adoption is a deal for you.. I have a suggestion...

He stopped in motion and you could see his eyes widened like he already knew what you were about to say, you had been friends for a few years now and always joked about stuff but..

- Brian.. You want a a kid, a family... so do I, Ehhh.. Sooo ... why not help eachother?

Brian spat out his beer over the bar and almost dropped the glass and if his eye wasn't already fully wide..

His mouth fell open and he started to stutter and you were not quite sure if he was laughing or not

- Ohh.. Omg.. Y/N.. Ehh.. You said I was drunk but.. Omg.. You mean... Shit... Seriously?

He stopped laughing and looked and your serious face

- Omg.. You're really serious

- Hey guys!!! Cheer up!!!

Freddie came bouncing and slammed his palm in Brians back

- The party is over there!!, He pointed with his thumb towards the back of the room

- You go ahead Bri, I think it's time for me to go home..

- You sure sweetie? He wrapped you into a big hug that only he could, are we still having dinner next Friday?

- Yes.. I'll be over at 7 as usual.. You gaved a soft kiss on his cheek and saw him leaving with Freddie

You tried to not think of the embarrassing incidence during the week.

But had you really made a fool of yourself and said theese things? .. If so, you could only hope he would not remember any of it from that night

For as long as you could recall, you tried to hold on to the ritual to see eachother every Friday, from the beginning it was four of you from a science class, now it was only you and Brian

Of course it was a strouggle during the tour, but then he always called instead, from Asia, USA.. Sometimes boyfriends or girlfriends had joined and a few occasions you had been little waisted so you had shared a kiss or two, but.. never more...

You smiled for yourself while you jumped out from the taxi, Brian the hopeless romantic and gentleman

You really wished the best for him, a really sweet girl someone who..

- Y/N!!! HI!!!!!

- Hi Bri... Am I early?

- No.. God you look beautiful .., the food is in the owen, come in

He placed a soft kiss on your forehead and you breathed in his aftershave, he always smelled so good

- I brought wine, shall I open it?

You went into the kitchen where he had prepared vegetarian food, he were an amazing chef, your stomach almost screamed of hunger

He stod silent behind you.. watching

- Y/N.. The other day

- Bri.. I..

- No... S'alright.. been thinking tho... What did you mean when you said we should help eachother

Shit.. There was no turning back from this, he remembered.. every single word

Sometimes you really wish you were an ostrich

- You ok hunnie? He caressed your upper arm and an electrical stream went through your spine

- Brian.. Thing is.. You swallowed hard.. I was kinda hoping you forgot..

- I do not forget things like that Y/N..

You started to fiddle with the corkscrew..

- Have you changed your mind

- No.. No.. But.. I.. We didn't finish talk about it and.. It is not just to buy a loaf of bread you know..

It became silent again, you started to sip on your wine, no matter what were about to happen it was best to get shitfaced, in the corner of your eye you saw Brian pour a glass for himself aswell and never taken it down so fast

- Don't missjudge me, you are very attractive and it is not that... I wa.. I don’t... Damn it... But our friendship.. I am afraid that we are losing what we have..

- Me to Bri..me too, but I want a kid aswell .. And if this is the only way for us.. We might have both friendship and a baby..

- But... He put down his glass.. If it doesn't work.. I mean.. Do we ke..

- Keep trying? Yes.. I want it to work.., you closed the gap between the two of you

- B.. But.. This means that we are going to have sex right.. Shit.. I can't just.. you know.. without touching.. And..

He closed his eyes and bit his lower lip

You placed your head on his chest and trailed your hands up and down his back

- It's ok Bri.. It is just me...

- That's the thing... It's you.. You.. My friend.. My everything..

- Brian... Look at me

It was almost like he forbid himself to look at you, he shok his head and a tiny tear fell from his eye

- I want you... I want th..this.. s.. so bad.. He stuttered.. pl please.. let me kiss you

Finally your lips met, you let out a tiny whimper and your fingers tangled in his dark curls

You pushed your body against his and his hands fumbled with your blouse

- Oh.. No.. Brian.. Shit.. I want this to be so perfect.. Our first time.. Shall we.. shall we.. you phanted in his mouth

- It.. It is perfect love... It is with you..

He turned off the stove, the food were less important now, took your hand and led you down the hall to his bedroom

Never before had your own heart beaten so fast, it felt like your first time all over again, in one way it was but now it was with a man you were so sure of, that you had known so long

His head fell back and his eyes closed again.. you kissed him softly on his exposed neck and he started to breathe faster, his strong arms pulled you closer and you felt every muscle, every fibre in his body wanting you

- L.. Let me touch you..

His voice almost cracked

You helped him by taking his hand up to your breast and already hard nipple, he cupped it gently and started touching it while moaning in your ear

- Please Bri... I...

- Sssscchh... I know... I know.. Let's not rush it ok.. I have wanted to touch you for so long..

Your hips bucked against his crotch, you whole body was in flames

You tried desperately to unbuttoned his shirt and you both giggled a little

He cupped your face with his big hands and looked deep into your eyes

- You do know that I love you so much Y/N..

He kissed you with such passion and intensity, his tounge left a trail along your neck like a lava stream

- Omg Bri.. I.. I love I love you too...

- Mmmmm... There is soo much I want.. Mmm I want to do with you... I have thought about this so long..

He laid you down on the bed as you were a treasure, and hooked his long finger in your jeans

- Lift up hunnie

He smirked up at you and you tried to help him wiggle down your tight jeans, in same motion came your underwear and he gasped after air

- Brian... You have seen this before haven't you..

- N.. Not yours... Shit I.. Want to make you feel so good but I am afraid I might explode

- Bri.. We have time..

He took his long fingers and drawed patterns on your inner thighs while looking at your glistening core, with one finger he followed the slit between your folds up towards your nub and stopped

He looked at you while circling your clit fast with his thumb, his other hand held a tight grip around his member

He removed his thumb and replaced it with his mouth, he flicked his tongue in fast motion, he whined and whimpered against your core and you could tell he was struggling to hold back

- Ahhh Brian ohhh God, feels so good.. Ahhh yes....

Your walls were soon contracting in an orgasm and you took a firm grip in his hair and pulled him closer

- Bri... Ohh Bri... Please... I am ready.. Make me pregnant...

He looked up and smiled at you and once again you saw the tears were building up in his eyes..

Also you felt it...

This could be it..

It could be happening

He placed himself between your legs and kissed you soft on your lips and pushed a piece of your hair behind your ear

You felt him in your entrance slightly stretching you out bit by bit

You were trembling under him

You moved together in unison

His body were shaking and you knew that he could not hold back so much longer

- Omg Y/N... I.. Oh God ohhh.. I am so close...

He tried to slow down his pace but you stopped him by wrapping your legs around his back

- Ohh Yes Brian Fill me.. Fill me.. Please Ahh yes...

You could feel every vein on his throbbing cock was ready to push his seed inside your body

He snapped his hips a few more times until he came, you felt his warm wave of cum through your walls

Your final contractions emptied him on the last drops..

You wanted everything

All your limbs were tangled together, you laid like that for a long time before anyone said anything

- Do you think it worked Y/N?

- Mmmmm maybe?

- You know we cannot go back to the way we were even if it didn't work right away...

- I don't want to Brian...

- Me neither..

This had changed everything for you

And this first weekend actually did work... It planted a little seed inside of you

But neither of you knew that yet

That is another story

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Enjoy more reading in my masterlist

[groovyzombiellama]

My Queen

Title: My Queen Requested? Yes. Plot: Being a plus size girl and dating MGK and he shows you how much he cares about you when you’re feeling down about yourself after a pool party thrown to celebrate MGK’s new music video. Word count: 1446 

---***---

The pool party was in full swing and people were dancing and drinking, the music was blasting. Colson had just finished shooting a music video for his newest single, and to celebrate the success, and fill up their batteries after a long week of shooting, the MGK team decided to throw a pool party. At first you were into the idea, still excited about another one of your boyfriend’s successful music videos, and you pulled out your favoite swimsuit, it was a pink one-piece, and the top half of it reminded you of one of the famous Marilyn Monroe swimsuits. Colson loved that one on you, and you did too. Colson and you met through a mutual friend, and the moment he first saw you, he knew he would be an idiot not to ask you for your number and get to know you. The sheer fact that your smile lit up the entire room and your laugh was like music to his ears and made his heart beat faster told him that he had to get to know you. And you ended up exchanging numbers and pretty soon you starter talking, and a few months later, he asked you to be his girlfriend.

It’s been two years since then and you loved the support you were getting from fans that you didn’t bother reading the mean tweets. But you would get upset at times, due to you not having the hourglass figure, that model body, and you seeing fit girls all around would have you occasionally thinking that Colson would be happier with one of them. However, as soon as Colson would wrap his arms around you and place a kiss on your forehead, all your worries would disappear, seeing the glimmer in his eyes as he would look at you. And as soon as you exited the house in your swimsuit , Colson’s eyes were on you. He was standing with Pete and Rook, smoking a blunt and he followed your every move with a slight smile on his face, feeling so lucky to have such a hot ass girlfriend. But you on the other hand, your mood was starting to dampen. While you were on the beach chair, skinny girls were giggling as they walked past you, and you heard so many comments about how could Colson possibly be dating you when he could have any girl he wants. You kept your cool and enjoyed your day, but those comments kept repeating in your head even after the party ended and Colson and you were back at home.

At the pool party, having Colson unable to keep his hands off you helped you block out the haters as they gleamed with jealosy. “You look so sexy right now that I just want to lift you up and take you to the nearest bed, no matter if people are watching us, and just worship you.“ He whispered in your ear, his warm breath on your neck making you shudder. You were checking your social media, being bombarded with paparazzi pics of you at the pool party with captions of hater profiles, and you frown, trying to scroll to any positive captions, but today was way different than usually, when positive posts and support from Colson’s fans outnumbered the haters. You were so focused on your phone, confused at yourself as to why you were reading those captions that you were taken by surprise when a smiling Colson wrapped his arms around you from behind, and the two of you even took a few steps forward as he leaned some of his weight on you. He kissed your cheek and placed his head on your shoulder to take a look at the screen of your phone himself.

Colson immediately frowned as you didn’t have time to close Instagram and he saw one of the captions hating on your weight, his smile disappearing and his brows furrowing as he let go of you and grabbed your phone from your hands. You immediately tried explaining yourself, because you knew how much he hated seeing people hating on you. “Colson, babe, listen. It’s not a big deal, I just tapped into it by accident, really.“ “Yeah, by accident, and that’s why you’re fifty posts in. Y/N I know these things can sometimes get to you, but I have no doubt in my mind that to me, you are the most gorgeous girl in the world.“ Colson locked your phone, placing it on the table next to which you were standing, and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you closer to him. He rested his forehead against yours and sighed, as if trying to calm himself down more than you. “I hate people being mean to you with every fibre of my being. It hurts me a hundred times more every single time. It just hurts that they can’t understand how fucking happy you make me.“

You had your hands rubbing up and down his upper arms, and a small smile was curving your lips at the mention of making Colson happy. That was all you truly wanted, for him to be happy, and that was mostly why you were not always upset and doubting yourself and questioning if you should be with him, because Colson would not miss a beat in telling you almost every day how happy he was with you. And all the time he would post about you, you would see how in love he was, just as much as you were, and it would delete haters from your mind. It’s just today that you let them get in your head way too much. “You have to know that I love every inch of you, and that I think you’re so damn perfect that you shouldn’t exist. But I’m glad you do, and I’m glad you’re mine. I have no idea what I did to deserve you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life thanking you for chosing me to be your boyfriend.“

You were just about to melt in a puddle. It was nice to hear Colson say all these things once in a while, and you pressed yourself forward, wrapping him in a hug. He immediately hugged you back and all the love you felt from that hug caused your eyes to get a little bit glossy. “Thank you for all these kind words baby. I know you love me, as much as I love you, and you make me so happy too. Let’s stop worrying about the haters and focus on each other, yeah?“ You said and felt Colson nod with his cheek leaning against the back of your head, and you confirmed it with an ’okay’ and pulled away to look at him, your eyes still glossy, but you were not crying. When he saw the look in your eyes, the adoration you looked at him with, he leaned in and kissed your eyelids, your forehead, cheeks, nose, and chin before finally pressing his lips to yours. After parting, you turned to grab your phone, exiting the tab with all those hate comments and heading into the ’post a photo’ section, leaning against Colson’s chest as you asked him about which photo from today’s party to post.

After going through several photos, you found the perfect one, but while you were thinking of a caption, you felt your boyfriend kiss his way up and down your neck, causing you to close your eyes and let a moan escape your lips. You could feel his little(not so little) Colson poking your back, and the voice Colson now spoke to you in was slightly darker, filled with lust. The one he knows would turn you on. “You just reminded me of how mind blowingly hot you looked today. Just caption it with an emoji, so I can take you upstairs and show you how madly in love with you I am.“ Trying your best to think straight, you quickly typed out ’sunkissed’ and added a sun and beach emoji, that were luckily in your recently used ones due to you posting a story from the party and using them. You didn’t even wait for Instagram to inform you that you photo was uploaded, you placed your phone on the table and turned around to press your lips to Colson’s in a rough and passionate kiss. Your hands roamed each other’s bodies, as he lead you to your shared bedroom, not even bothering to close the door before throwing you on the bed and climbing on top of you. “I love you my queen. So fucking much!“ “I love you too. My king.“

---***---

Thank you anon for requesting this imagine, it made me feel kinda better writing this, and it gave me motivation, thank you so much, and I hope I didn’t kill you with the fluff <3 I’m not sure if MGK soot a video by a pool, but this plot came to me first.(btw I have that swimsuit in real life, it’s similar to this one, but it’s doesn’t have the dress part and it ties behind the neck, oh and it’s pink haha)

Also, a bonus, kind of, just imagine Colson looking at you like in the first gif OMG I would melt if someone looked at me like that...

Also, also, I’m sorry for the typo in the last image, disrespect me*

[inyournightmares97]

My Youth (Chapter 3)

Broken and miserable, Park Jinyoung returns to his hometown to learn that no matter how hard he falls, there are still people who think he’s a hero.

Warnings: Mentions of suicide/depression, angst, slow build, maybe some language. (Please don’t ask when I’ll update. Wait until the series is finished to read if you’re impatient.)

Word Count: 5.6k+

(Can’t put links to the other parts here, please check my Masterlist/the reblog for the Prologue and Chapters 1 and 2)

“I can’t believe you would do that, Jinyoung,” you hissed.  

15-year old Jinyoung raised an eyebrow. He had figured out that you were angry the moment you both exited the classroom. Normally, you would bounce over to Jinyoung and ask him about how his exam had gone and insist on discussing the answers to all the questions. But today you had stormed straight past him and out of school.

“Me?” Jinyoung asked innocently. “What did I do?”

“You know what you did.”

“No, I clearly don’t-”

You whirled around and jabbed a finger at him accusingly, your hand trembling. “Don’t lie, Jinyoung. I saw you and Jackson Wang passing notes during the exam. You were cheating!”

Jinyoung bit his lip sheepishly. He didn’t understand why you were so upset or why your cheeks had flushed red in anger. But evidently, you had caught on to the little plan that he and Jackson had concocted the night before the exam.  

“Look, I can explain-”

“Why? You’re already the best in the class. You don’t even NEED to cheat. You’re smart and intelligent so why would you think about doing something like that?” you demanded. You were extremely upset. “I always try so hard just to match up to you and and your grades but the whole time, you were cheating?”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “What? No! This is the first time I’ve done something like that, I swear! It wasn’t even for myself! Jackson promised he would buy me a new model car if I slipped him some of the answers. I figured it wouldn’t do any harm.”

“I can’t believe you would get involved in a stupid scheme like that,” you hissed. “I am so disappointed in you.”

Jinyoung’s eyes narrowed in irritation. “Why are you only attacking me? I told you, I wasn't stealing answers from anybody! I was helping Jackson pass his exam.  If you want to be so morally superior then you should go and yell at Jackson Wang instead of me! He’s the one who wrote down answers he didn’t solve himself! You should be mad at him!”

You folded your arms across your chest. “Why would I get mad at Jackson? He’s not my friend.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t care what Jackson Wang does. He can jump off a bridge for all I care. I’m mad at you because you’re my friend and I think you deserve to be told that what you did is wrong,” you snapped at Jinyoung. He stared at you in surprise and a small, handsome smile suddenly spread across his face. You frowned. “Why are you looking at me like that? Are you seriously proud of yourself right now?”

Jinyoung smiled widely and shook his head. “No.”

“Then why are you-”

“You yelled at me because you care about me,” he said playfully, grabbing your arm and entwining it in his. Jinyoung’s handsome face looked smug while you blushed. “I always wondered why you never care about Jackson getting up to stupid shit, but you get upset whenever I do something wrong. This is your weird way of showing affection!”

You wrenched your arm out of his grasp, annoyed. “Affection? For you? No. Go away.”

“Oh, come on. If I were anyone else, you would have raised your hand in class the moment you saw me cheating and told on me,” Jinyoung pointed out.

You sighed and glanced at your best friend. “Yeah, okay. It’s true. Good friends deserve honesty, right? You always tell your friends when they do something wrong because they deserve a chance to fix their mistakes,” you explained. Then you folded your arms across your chest and turned to Jinyoung. “Are you really going to make Jackson buy you that model car?”

Jinyoung rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Would it make you mad if I did?”

“Kind of.”

“Then I won’t,” he replied with a smile. “You can buy me an ice cream instead, to make it up to me. Come on. Let’s go.”

----------

“There are some really strange people hanging about our town lately.”

You raised an eyebrow at the newspaper lady. She was barely looking at you, too busy fumbling for change behind the counter.

“Strange people? What do you mean?” you wondered. The lady hummed lightly as she counted out a few coins in the palm of her hand.

“Well yesterday evening there was a man who came by my store on a bicycle. He was wearing a black hoodie and a mask; all very mysterious! I could barely see his face. He bought a newspaper, handed me a bill and then walked away silently without even waiting for the change! I was astonished,” she fretted. She dumped the carefully counted coins into your hand as you smiled.

Ah. So the newspaper lady had finally gotten a glimpse of her long-awaited Park Jinyoung. If only she knew exactly whom she had sold a paper to.

“Maybe it was a cyclist passing through,” you replied lightly.

“And today! There was a  handsome man who drove past in a luxury car!” she cried, shaking her head. “I’ve never seen such a car in my life! Quite the opposite of the cyclist; he kept asking the oddest questions and left without even buying a newspaper!”

This was a surprise. You blinked at her. “What sort of questions did he ask?”

“Odd, extremely odd,” the lady replied vaguely. She suddenly brightened up as she pointed at the headline on the newspaper you had picked up. “Oh! But there’s more about our dear Jinyoung’s company in the news! It seems they’re uh… re-restructuring, was it? Something called a merger? I hope they’re all good things!”

You blinked at the newspaper. GOT Tech and GOT Motors to merge with major competitors! The headline screamed. Changes in top management expected to follow the GOT Group restructuring process! You blinked at the headline in surprise. The article talked about the GOT empire merging with major competitors for the first time. These were all billion-dollar deals. This was an important, if not crucial, time for Jinyoung’s company.

Why was he taking a vacation now when the conglomerate needed people to make important decisions?

“Well, I suppose it means growth for Jinyoung’s companies,” you admitted to the newspaper lady with a smile. “GOT Group will become a multinational entity once all these acquisitions are through.”

The lady beamed. “Oh, how lovely for Jinyoung!”

Yes, how lovely indeed. So why is he sitting at home? Why is he hiding from the world? Why doesn’t he seem happy? What am I missing?

You waved goodbye to the newspaper lady and continued towards the coffee shop. You needed a cup of something strong to get you through the evening; the parent-teacher meetings would start next week and you had to prepare progress reports for each of the students in addition to helping with the PTA fundraiser.

You were going to be swamped all week.

“Aeri!” you greeted your friend who was sitting behind the counter. “I’ll have a cup of black coffee please, lots of sugar!”

Aeri smiled at you prettily. She had always been one of the most beautiful woman in town but now her pregnancy had her positively glowing. She and Jackson had been trying to have children for a long time and they were finally going to be blessed with a little baby girl in a few months.

“You look tired,” she told you bluntly as you climbed onto one of the bartools at the counter.

“And you’re glowing with happiness,” you replied.

“Try telling Jackson that. My husband just received an earful from me because he did the groceries and forgot to buy carrots.” Aeri sighed and poured you a mug of black coffee. She passed it to you and then leaned against the counter miserably. “We don’t even need carrots. I don’t know why I keep losing my temper with him.”

You smiled. Jackson adored Aeri with every fibre of his being. “I’m sure he’s forgotten about it already.”

“Do you think so?”

“The man has five to ten year olds crying and throwing unreasonable tantrums at him every day, babe. A pregnant woman can’t be that hard to handle. You’re lucky Jackson adores you.”

“I guess I am lucky,” she admitted softly.

You clutched your warm coffee mug. You hadn’t been particularly close to Jackson or Aeri during your school days but they were the only people of your own age left in this small town. Most of your high school classmates had left for Seoul in search of more luxury and success. You had no choice but to befriend Jackson and Aeri. Like you, they had chosen to stay behind and live quieter lives. The only difference was that they were married and had plans for the future. They wanted to raise children in their peaceful hometown and live happily.

You, on the other hand, were just sort of… existing.

You couldn’t help but feel jealous of them sometimes.

“Whoa. Who is that?”

You noticed Aeri’s eyes go wide and followed her gaze towards the window. A sleek, silver luxury car had pulled up outside. The man who stepped out of it looked rich. He had broad shoulders framed in an expensive suit and his jaw was clenched tightly. He walked up to the counter and gave Aeri a forced smile.

“Can I have a latte, please?” he asked her politely.

“Of course,” Aeri replied as she set about making his drink. “I’ve never seen you before. Are you new in town?”

The man let out a dry, humourless chuckle as he took a seat at the stool beside yours. “No, ma’am. I’m just passing through. I’m looking for someone, actually, but I haven’t managed to find them yet.”

Aeri blinked. “Oh. A relative?”

“A friend,” the man replied. He looked exhausted and you could tell just by the tired look in his eyes that he had absolutely no expectations when he finally posed the question. “You wouldn’t happen to have seen Park Jinyoung anywhere around here, would you?”

You froze. What? Who was this strange man looking for Jinyoung? You suddenly remembered what Jinyoung had told you the previous day. If anybody weird comes around asking for me, then tell them you don’t know me. Was this man perhaps one of those journalists Jinyoung seemed to be so afraid of? You took a sip of your coffee quickly. Maybe it was best if you got out of here and went to the Parks’ home to warn Jinyoung that somebody in town was asking about him.  

“Park Jinyoung?” Aeri asked, eyes wide. She glanced at you awkwardly. “Oh, dear. He is from here but it’s been at least a decade since he’s visited this town. Shouldn’t you be looking for him in Seoul or something?”

The man looked disappointed as he rubbed his temple with his fingers. “I wouldn’t have come here if he was in Seoul; I’m from there myself. It’s all right. It seems nobody in this town has seen him in years so maybe I’m just on a wild goose chase-”

“Why are you looking for him? What is Park Jinyoung to you?” you demanded.

“I told you, he’s a friend,” the man replied as he turned to look at you. He had dark, intense eyes and they narrowed sharply on your face. You felt your stomach lurch a little at the way his expression changed suddenly. He pointed an index finger at you. “Wait a second… you look extremely familiar.”

“Me?”

He nodded. “Yes, you. Have we met before?”

What was this? Some weird way of hitting on you? You were absolutely positive that you had never seen this man in your life. You exchanged an uncomfortable glance with Aeri and then quickly reached into your pocket to pay for the coffee.

“No, I’m pretty sure we haven’t met,” you told the man shortly. You handed Aeri a bill. “I’m off, Aeri, I don’t want to miss the last bus home.”

Aeri nodded in understanding. She had noticed the way the strange man was looking at you oddly and wasn’t about to push you to stay. You gathered your things and avoided the man’s stare as you hurried out of the coffee shop. You had just made it a few yards towards the bus stop when you heard footsteps behind you; the man was following you.

“Wait!” he called out to you sharply. “Wait, I know who you are!”  

You clutched your purse tightly and kept walking. “Please leave me alone.”

The man was still following you and your heartbeat began to thud in anticipation. What did he want? You dug into your purse for the pepper spray you kept handy but his words caused you to stop in your tracks.

“I can’t remember your name, but- listen! Park Jinyoung kept a picture of you and him on his desk during college! It was a picture of you both on your high school graduation day; he said you gifted it to him when he came to Seoul!” the man cried out.

Your eyes widened in recognition. You had gifted Jinyoung a photo frame with a picture of you both on graduation day before he left. You whirled around and saw that the man was a few feet behind you, trying to catch his breath.

“Who are you?” you demanded firmly. “How the hell do you know that? Aren’t you a journalist?”

“No; I’m Park Jinyoung’s friend. He was my roommate throughout college. We went to Seoul University together,” the man insisted. He reached into his pocket and withdrew a business card that he gave you quickly. You flipped it over. It had the GOT Group logo on it. The man’s name was Im Jaebum and it said he was the Chief of the Legal Department at GOT Group. You paused. Im Jaebum. That name was familiar. Where had you heard it?

Ah, yes.  

Jinyoung had mentioned it to you himself; the first and only time he came home for Christmas after leaving for college in Seoul. That Christmas break was the last time you had seen your best friend before he cut you off for an entire decade.

“So how’s college going?” you asked him lightly. “Are you as popular in Seoul as you were here?”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “What use is popularity? That’s for kids. I’m looking for fame and stardom.”

“Ha-ha, very funny. But seriously, Jinyoung. I’m worried about you. Do you have any friends?”

He bumped your shoulder lightly and chuckled. “Shut up, I’m fine. I have plenty of friends, okay? In fact, my roommate is a really cool guy. His name is Im Jaebum and he’s planning to study law. We get along great. He might just become my new best friend,” he teased you.

You huffed. “Let him try. He’ll realize how unbearable you are in a matter of months.”

“Me? Excuse you, I think you’ll realize that the unbearable one in this friendship is YOU, Miss I-can’t-even-save-a-piece-of-Christmas-cake-for-my-best-friend…”

You looked down at the business card and took a deep breath. You were convinced that this man really was Jinyoung’s college roommate. The fact that he was even working at Jinyoung’s company had to mean that he was somebody Jinyoung trusted, right? You bit your lip and looked at him nervously. Jaebum seemed less dangerous than he had a few minutes ago but you still weren’t sure.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” you asked him, handing him his business card back.

“Help me find Jinyoung. I know you’ve seen him. You were his best friend-”

You raised an eyebrow. “You must be mistaken. Jinyoung and I are barely friends. In fact, I haven’t been in contact with him since-”

“He ran away.”

You blinked. “What?”

Jaebum took a step closer to you and you finally saw the pain and desperation in the man’s eyes. This was not a journalist looking to snoop around. This was a man under immense pain and pressure.

Jaebum took a deep breath. “Jinyoung went missing three days ago. I haven’t been able to get in touch with him since then. His car, most of his belongings, everything… they’re still in his apartment. He only took a few clothes and his wallet. His secretary can’t contact him either. I broke into his apartment to see if maybe he was stuck inside or injured and all I found was…”

You watched as Jaebum’s lips trembled and he struggled to choke out the next few words. He took a deep breath. “I found a half-written suicide note in his apartment. Okay? You have to help me find him.”

“A suicide note?” you repeated. Your brain suddenly felt fuzzy. “W-what…? Why would he write something like that?”

Jaebum bit his lip and sighed. “Fuck. You don’t have any clue about what’s been happening, then.”

“What’s been happening?”

“Things at the company… they’re not going well. Jinyoung is under immense pressure. The Board of Directors…” Jaebum groaned and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. His eyes were red and he was struggling to speak. “Fuck. Fuck them. What does it matter? I can’t even figure out if he’s alive or dead right now!”

You wanted to puke.

“Did he seriously write a suicide letter?” you whispered.

“Yes.”

“You’re not lying, you… you’re not just trying to get me to tell you where he is?” you demanded, heartbeat thudding.

Jaebum’s eyes widened and he lunged forward to grab your arm in desperation. “Then you do know? You’ve really seen him?”

“Yes,” you replied. You glanced at Jaebum’s silver luxury car. “I’ll take you to him. Let’s go.”

----

The drive to the Parks’ residence felt like forever even though it was only a few streets away. Your head was spinning and you felt dizzy. Jinyoung? Leaving a half-written suicide note and running away from Seoul? It didn’t sound like him. Jinyoung had always been a happy person. Jinyoung had always been a stable person. Jinyoung had always loved life.

How could somebody like that even think about killing themselves?

More importantly…

What had happened to the happy, fun-loving and hopeful Jinyoung that you always knew?

“Here? We only came to his parents’ house?” Jaebum demanded as he pulled to a stop outside the large home. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair again. “I came here earlier, his mother opened the door and said that she hadn’t seen him.”

“I know. But he’s here,” you promised.

Jaebum frowned. “You’re sure?”

“He’s been hiding from the townspeople so he probably told his mother to send away anyone that came looking for him,” you explained nervously. You took a deep breath and looked down at your trembling hands. “Trust me, he’s just hiding upstairs.”

At least, I hope he is.

“Fuck. That bastard. I’m going in there, then,” Jaebum replied and unbuckled his seatbelt aggressively. You reached out and grabbed the man’s arm, stopping him.

“Wait. Whatever you just said to me… about finding a suicide note in his apartment…” you took a deep breath and looked up at Im Jaebum firmly. “If you even mention that in front of his mother then I will kill you, do you understand?”

Jaebum frowned. “Relax. I’m not an idiot.”

“Just making sure.”

You slowly got out of the car as Jaebum ran to the front door and banged on it loudly. You winced at his loud voice.

“Park Jinyoung! Park Jinyoung! Get your ass out here right now, I know you’re in there!” Jaebum called out. You stood nervously behind him and waited until the front door opened. Mrs. Park appeared on the front porch looking terrified.

“You! I told you to go away earlier!” she insisted, eyes widening in fear. You hurried over towards the older woman.

“Mrs. Park, it’s okay. This man is a friend of Jinyoung’s,” you tried to reassure her by putting an arm around her. “Can you just call Jinyoung downstairs? This is his friend Jaebum and he’s worried about him because it seems like Jinyoung didn’t tell a lot of people before he came down here on vacation…”

You tried to soothe the harried older woman. Before she could respond, though, you caught sight of movement inside the house. Jaebum had seen it too. He stormed past you and Mrs. Park, entering the small home.

“Jinyoung!”

Jinyoung’s faint voice carried out to the front porch. “J-Jaebum?”

“Where the hell did you go without telling me, you asshole? I’ve been trying to call you for days…” Jaebum cried, his voice breaking. You hurried inside to see both men in the living room. Jaebum had wrapped Jinyoung into a tight hug and Jinyoung was standing still. His dark eyes were distant as he slowly and reluctantly hugged his friend back.

“Why did you come all the way here?” Jinyoung asked him slowly.

Jaebum frowned. “You know why I came, how could you just…” he trailed off when he saw Mrs. Park and you. He released Jinyoung and made an awkward polite bow to Mrs. Park. “I’m so sorry for barging in like that, ma’am. I was worried Jinyoung would refuse to see me and I, um…”

Mrs. Park looked shocked. “But what is so urgent that you would come all the way down here just to find Jinyoung? Is everything all right?”

Jinyoung briefly made eye contact with you. There was a flash of intense emotion in his dark eyes. What was it? Worry? Fear? Before you could even begin to register it, Jinyoung had turned back to his mother. “It’s just business stuff, Mom. This is Im Jaebum and he works for the Legal Department at my office. We’re going upstairs to talk about some work stuff.”

Mrs. Park nodded while still looking surprised. “Oh. Should I, um, should I make some tea, then?”

“That would be great, thanks.”

Jinyoung grabbed hold of Jaebum’s arm firmly and dragged him upstairs. There was a sudden, awkward silence. You turned and smiled at Mrs. Park.

“Can I maybe have some of that tea too, Mrs. Park?”

She smiled at you.

“Of course you can, dear.”

----

You were dying to know what was going on upstairs but you couldn’t simply barge in. After all, who were you to interfere in Park Jinyoung’s life? Who were you to demand answers from him? He was simply an old friend whom you hadn’t spoken to in a decade.

Instead, you stayed downstairs and had tea with Mrs. Park.

“I was worried that he was one of those journalists that Jinyoung was so afraid of,” the older woman explained to you once she had made the tea. She smiled sadly. “I never knew that it was a coworker and friend of his. Something must be terribly wrong at work for the poor boy to come running down and find Jinyoung during his vacation. Should I ask Jinyoung if everything’s all right?”

You smiled and shook your head. “I’m sure it’s fine, Mrs. Park. Jinyoung knows how to handle things.”

“Does he?” she wondered.

I don’t know. I thought he did too, but if he started writing a suicide note and then left Seoul without a word to even his best friend… maybe Park Jinyoung knows less about how to live life than I thought.

You tried to ignore the creeping thoughts that filled your mind. You had to be strong and supportive for Mrs. Park’s sake. She couldn’t find out that something was seriously wrong with Jinyoung. It would break her sweet heart.

Despite the sick feeling in your stomach and your throbbing headache, you sat with Mrs. Park and shared cheerful stories about the kids at work. You told her about how Ki-woo had built an adorable little model train for his Art assignment and how Jangmi had tried to bite Mr. Wang’s arm off during gym class. Mrs. Park laughed with you and by the time Jaebum and Jinyoung finished their conversation and came back downstairs, she had calmed down visibly.

“Mom, is it all right if Jaebum spends the night here?” Jinyoung asked. He looked tired; his eyes were as sunken as ever but his soft smile seemed a little more genuine than before. “He has a long drive back to Seoul so I told him to start in the morning.”

Mrs. Park leapt to her feet. “Of course! It’s getting so late. You must stay the night,” she told Jaebum kindly. He gave her a bow and a grateful smile. Mrs. Park gasped. “I didn’t even notice the time… I should get started on dinner quickly!”

You slowly got to your feet as well. “I’ll be leaving then, Mrs. Park. I have some work to do…”

Mrs. Park blinked at you. “Oh, dear. But it’s so late, the buses must have stopped running! How will you get home? It’s not safe for you to walk so far at this time of night. Maybe Jinyoung should-”

Jaebum smiled and stepped forward politely. “I can give you a ride in my car. This is a small town, I’m sure you don’t live too far away.”

You bit your lip. “I don’t want to be a bother…”

He chuckled. “No, it’s fine. I owe you for bringing me here and helping me find Jinyoung.”

“Okay. That would be great.”

----

You got into the silver, luxury car. Is this what rich people in Seoul drive? This was probably the most expensive car you’d ever been in in your life, but you couldn’t bring yourself to appreciate the leather seating and the priceless sound system. You glanced nervously at the man who sat beside you as he pulled out of the Parks’ driveway.

You took a deep breath and asked the question that was eating away at you.

“Jaebum-ssi.”

“Yes?”

“Is Park Jinyoung suicidal?”

Jaebum turned to you with wide eyes. He bit his lip as he expertly maneuvered the car onto the small street. “Wow, you really don’t beat around the bush, do you?” he laughed drily. Then he frowned. “I don’t really know. What does it mean to be suicidal? Did he contemplate committing suicide at some point? I’m almost positive he did. Would he do it again? I don’t know. I don’t think even Jinyoung knows if he would do it again.”

You clenched your fists. “I mean, should I be worried?”

Jaebum glanced at you. “I don’t know. Who am I to tell you whether or not to worry about something?”

“Do you ever give direct answers or are you always this fucking enigmatic?” you snapped at him. “Listen to me. Do you, or do you not think that Park Jinyoung needs professional help? Should I be telling his mother to take him to a psychologist?”

Jaebum sighed. “You’ll never convince Jinyoung to go to a doctor.”

“That’s not the point-”

“Jinyoung has been through a lot lately,” Jaebum replied. His hands were tight on the steering wheel. “He’s always been married to his work and things aren’t going well right now.”

“But GOT Group is expanding. It’s all over the papers. Growth rates are phenomenal.”

“Things are going great for the company but they’re not going well for Jinyoung,” Jaebum explained. He bit his lip. “Look. I don’t know how much he’s told you but Jinyoung is about to lose everything he worked the last ten years to build. He’s watching his hopes and dreams get flushed down the drain. He’s probably angry. He’s probably empty. He probably feels like life is cheating him.”

Your eyes widened.

“That sounds to me like he needs professional help.”

“Maybe he needs help,” Jaebum replied softly. “Or maybe what he really needs is love. I’ll be honest. For a good minute I was afraid I would find Jinyoung face-down in the Han River. The fact that he came back to his hometown instead… whether he admits it or not, it shows that he’s looking for some acceptance. He’s looking for a reason to keep living.”

Your heart skipped a beat.

“Do you think he’ll find it?” you wondered.

Jaebum smiled at you lightly. “I don’t know. I hope he does. Maybe you can help him.”

You looked down at your hands in your lap, trembling. Me? How can I help him? What could you do for a man who refused to acknowledge that you had once been best friends? How could you help Jinyoung when you had no clue who he was, or what he was going through? You turned to Jaebum nervously.

“Shouldn’t you stay here a little longer? Since you’re the only one who knows what he’s going through, maybe you can convince him to go back to his life in Seoul instead of running away from it-”

Jaebum shook his head firmly. “I can’t do that. Jinyoung can’t keep clinging onto the thoughts of his old life. He needs to find something new to live for. I think he needs to find it here, among people who care about him.”

You sighed and rubbed your eyes tiredly. “I guess it’s best for him to be with his parents. I can’t think of anyone who cares about Jinyoung more than his parents.”

“And you?”

You blinked. “Me?”

“You care about him too. I saw the look in your eyes when I mentioned the suicide note. You were terrified,” Jaebum pointed out knowingly. He sighed and bit his lip. “While we were upstairs, Jinyoung kept asking me not to say anything to you. He said he didn’t want you to know about anything that’s going on with the company. What happened to you both that Christmas break?”

“Christmas break?” you asked.

Jaebum nodded. “Yeah. During our first year of college. When Jinyoung and I became roommates, he talked about you all the time. He told me so many stories about the two of you and his eyes always lit up whenever he said your name. Before he went home for Christmas break, he was so excited to see you again. Did something happen then?”

You blinked. During Christmas? What had happened then? Jinyoung had come home and there had been a neighbourhood party. You’d both spent a few days together while Jinyoung told you all sorts of stories about Seoul and then he’d gone back to university. It was immediately after that that he cut off all contact with you and the rest of the townspeople. He’d never answered your phone calls again.

“I don’t know,” you replied vaguely.

“Jinyoung never talked about you again after he came back from that Christmas break. He said he’d been an idiot to think that you both could stay the way you were forever,” Jaebum replied. His eyes were soft as he turned to look at you. “I think Jinyoung cares about you a lot.”

Your voice was cold. “Jinyoung definitely cared about me. But after these past ten years, I can’t believe that he still does.”

“You don’t just stop caring about people-”

“Yes. Yes, you do. It’s surprisingly easy,” you explained. “There’s a thin line between love and hate.”

“You think he hates you?” Jaebum demanded.

You forced a smile. “I don’t know what Park Jinyoung thinks anymore. I don’t even know who he is. Take a right and stop at this building, please.”

Jaebum frowned. “But-”

“Thank you for the ride,” you told him politely, unbuckling your seatbelt. Jaebum’s lips were pressed together tightly but he nodded and got out of the car, opening the door for you. “Have a safe drive back to Seoul tomorrow, Jaebum-ssi.”

“I will. Good night.”

“Good night.”

-------

Your head throbbed as you flopped back into bed after a warm shower. Not only had you failed to finish any of the report card work that you needed to do, but now your mind was whirling.

All you could see when you closed your eyes was Jinyoung. The childhood Jinyoung, your warm and loving friend. The adult Jinyoung, the distant and broken man. How could they be the same person? What had turned him into the person he was now? What had happened to Jinyoung that Christmas break to cause him to stop talking to you, what had happened to him in Seoul that he had considered ending his life?

You had so many questions and no answers.

Your phone rang loudly as you closed your eyes. You reached over and checked the caller ID. Mrs. Park. She was probably checking if you’d made it home safely, the darling woman.

“Hello, Mrs. Park,” you greeted.

“Uh, hi.”

You sat up straight in bed. That was not Mrs. Park’s voice. It was much deeper and quieter. Your head throbbed in confusion.

“Mrs. Park?” you demanded.

“Uh, sorry, no, this is Jinyoung,” he replied awkwardly. His soft voice was hesitant but it sent a shiver down your spine all the same. “My, uh, my phone broke, so I’m calling using my mother’s. Jaebum said that he dropped you off home safely?”

You bit your lip. “Yeah, he did.”

“Right. I was… I was wondering if we could talk,” Jinyoung admitted quietly.

“Sure. What about?”

“I’d rather talk in person. Are you free tomorrow?”

Your heart skipped a beat. Why? Why did Park Jinyoung make you so nervous? Why did hearing his voice over the phone make your heart flutter like a teenage girl? “Sure,” you replied calmly. “I’m at school until 3. You can come by then and we can talk once I get off work. At the same bench where you were waiting last time?”

Jinyoung paused for a moment. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Good night.”

“Good night, Jinyoung.”

----

 A/N: I’m trying to take this slowly to build up the relevant details, but I’m not sure if it’s getting boring with all the unanswered questions and lack of drama. Do I need to be picking up the speed with this one? 

[delia-pavorum]

59.“Why are you hiding behind me? What did you do this time?”

Thanks for the prompt, anon! This one took an angst-y turn and was initially inspired by @cosmo-gonika​‘s speculation re: Ep IX and a potential Reylo baby. Then, it all spun out of control with the Reddit “leaks” and further speculation and, anyway, this is what you get when my brain explodes.

Hope my nonny prompter enjoys and all of you do, too! 

The voices droned on around him as he allowed his mind to wander.

It was easy enough to feign interest or the barest amount of attentiveness. A well-placed nod, a cool, fixed look. He had achieved much success over the years in allowing others to believe they were in charge, while only he truly held the reins.

Yes, much success. In many areas.

He fixated on his leather clad hand, watching as it slowly curled into a fist, almost of its own volition.

Many areas. Except for the one that counted.

They called him a benevolent leader. Some even touted him as the ‘saviour of the galaxy’. Many followed willingly after seeing the benefits that would arise from doing so and appreciating that the punishments to the contrary were no longer so severe. Some even disparaged those who would think to resist – ‘Extremists’, they called them. ‘Self-serving fundamentalists.’ The Resistance had lost its rosy hue in the eyes of the people. Too fanatical now to be commonplace. Rebels in a universe where rebellion was unnecessary.

Kylo Ren sympathized, truly he did. He knew how it felt to be on the wrong side of history. To fight on the losing end of a war and, as time passed, to get further and further from your end goal. Like being swept out to sea in an undertow, powerless to fight against the raw strength of an entity so much more formidable than you.

Yes. He knew that feeling well.

He turned a baleful eye onto the standing, sermonizing form of General Hux, datacron open and projecting yet another galaxy map over the long, duraglass table. Kylo sat at the head, while other generals, admirals, and captains of the First Order occupied the other seats along the length.

Another speech, glorifying the First Order. Exalting the work they had done. Reveling in the planets they had converted. Extolling the virtues of their regime. Condemning and deriding the continued existence of the Resistance, pitiful as it was. “Not for much longer,” they promised each other. “Not for much longer.”

Kylo had to agree, but it left a sour pit in the bottom of his stomach. They didn’t know. None of them did. There was more to the Resistance than the meagre remains of a rebellion. Than the ashes of its predecessors. Something buried in its depths. Something there that mattered.

More than anything else.

As if on cue, he felt the infinitesimal shift in the air. The scattering of ions, the rippling of space and time. Sound muting, as if sucked into a vacuum.

No, he thought, even as his heart soared. Not now. His eyes surreptitiously scanned the room, though his expression divulged nothing.

Then he heard it, coming from his left, beelining towards his chair.

He resisted the urge to turn around, instead clenching his jaw until his teeth ground together and keeping his curled fists on the glass in front of him.

The noise came closer.

Suddenly, his chair titled backwards abruptly. He had to move with the motion, acting as though he were simply leaning back into a more comfortable position. He could feel the erratic thuds of scrambling and kicking feet, with the minute sound of a struggle, clear in its grunts and sharp exhales. A weight settled heavily on the back of his seat, close to the top where his head peaked over slightly. He could feel warm breath on his ear. Still, he could not risk looking behind him, even though every fibre of his being screamed at him to turn around—

“Oh, hi, papa.”

His lips twitched involuntarily.

“Hey…hi,” the little voice whispered once more.

The mechanics of the Force Bond were difficult for a four-year-old to understand fully. Even an adult could have trouble comprehending that there was a room full of people who could neither see nor hear them. The little one understood well enough that she likely would not be seen by others, but, moreso, she understood that she wasn’t allowed to be seen. That was why she tended to lower her voice, affecting a four-year-old’s understanding of a whisper (typically just a slightly quieter version of her normally boisterous tone) during the moments when she caught him with other people.

He cleared his throat and shifted slightly in his seat. He made a movement, bringing his right hand over his left shoulder like he was adjusting his cape, and furtively wiggled his pointer finger near his ear. It successfully made contact with a tiny nose and he was rewarded with a giggle. His centre of gravity shifted again with the movement of his chair and he looked down to see five little toes attached to a small foot land in his lap. The foot was attached to a leg, followed by a torso, followed by two gangly arms and a tousled head of dark black curls hiding a cherubic face, but not quite hiding the tips of two perfect, shell-like ears, slightly too big for such a tiny head.

His daughter looked up at him then and his breath caught, like it always did.

I don’t see you enough, he thought ruefully. My beautiful girl.

She looked bigger since the last time he had seen her, only a week prior. He knew it was likely impossible, but it still felt like he had missed something, that he was missing so much—

“Supreme Leader?” a nasally voice interrupted his perusal of his daughter’s freckles as she smiled up at him, dimples and gapped baby teeth prominent. She may have his ears and hair, possibly even his lanky form, but her face was purely her mother’s. Toothy, fresh, dimpled, freckled, and sweet. A ray of sunshine.

They both turned to look at Hux, who was glaring over his nose at Kylo expectantly.

“That will be all, General.” Kylo’s words held a finality to them. The man knew, very well, that he was being dismissed.

Still, he spluttered, colour raising from his neck towards his face. “But—you didn’t address my concerns regarding—”

“I said—” Kylo pointedly shifted so he sat tall in his seat and his daughter mimicked the action, glaring coolly at the general in an imitation of her father. “—we are finished here.”

Hux glowered at him, his ire emanating from his body with every second that passed. Still, a rabid cur, even barely tamed, knew its place. “Very well,” he clipped. “We will continue this discussion at a later date.” With that, he clicked the datacron closed abruptly, the room once again taking on the tepid glow of its regular lighting rather than the ethereal radiance of the holo, then turned sharply on his heel and stalked out. The others followed in short order, most unwilling to make even the briefest eye contact with him as they scattered. Once the last subordinate had left, Kylo relaxed into his seat and smiled down at the little girl in his arms, finally able to fold her up against his body and press her head into his chest. He kissed her tousled curls as he held her close.

“Hello, my girl,” he rumbled. “Why were you hiding behind me earlier? What have you gotten yourself into this time?”

“Nothing, papa, I swear it!” came the innocent reply, an angelic face belying the true nature of mischief that lurked beneath the surface.

“Eliana Reya Solo!”

As always, Kylo’s heart leapt at his daughter’s full name. Meaning ‘gift’ and ‘queen’, he found it so fitting that she should have those names; and to be named for her mother as well as her father, a symbol of the good they could do when brought together.

They had both heard the echoing voice before the body manifested. Of course, the bond had remained open and, as such, the ones who were capable of using it had access to its passageways. This meant—

Yes. There she was.

Rey appeared out of the corner of his eye like an avenging angel, striding limbs and flowing hair. Her true origin remained a mystery, but soon she was standing before him as though she were there in flesh and blood. And, for all intents and purposes, she was.

Ah, but they knew that well, didn’t they?

She frowned at the two of them, arms crossed, jaw ticking.

“Eliana,” she scolded, “you know you’re not supposed to do this.” She refused to look directly at Kylo. “It’s not safe.”

“It’s perfectly safe,” Kylo retorted, offended. As if he would let anything happen—

“It’s not,” Rey insisted, meeting his eyes for the first time, a wealth of weariness and sadness behind the hazel irises. “We still don’t know the mechanics of it all. If she gets seen somehow, or stuck, or ends up somewhere where she shouldn’t, with neither you or I there to protect her—” She broke off, shaking her head, overcome. “It’s too risky,” she said finally.

He sighed, suddenly exhausted. His daughter looked between the two of them, eyes wide.

“And also, little miss,” Rey continued, softening her tone, crouching lower to be eye-level with the little girl in Kylo’s lap, “You can’t just use your papa as an escape every time you know you’re going to get in trouble. Those staffs weren’t for you to play with. They aren’t toys.”

“I just wanted one,” came the return grumble in a little voice. “To train with you, mama.”

Rey’s expression softened further and the corners of her mouth deepened in a frown. “I know, baby. And I’m sorry I’m so busy.”

“Maybe,” Kylo spoke up, before really considering his words, “maybe she can stay here for a bit—?”

“Ben.” Rey closed her eyes on an exhale and shook her head as their daughter chirped with glee and Kylo realized his tactical error.

“Yes! Yes!” she cried, throwing her arms around her father’s neck. “Can I please? Can I stay with papa for a bit? And mama, you stay, too! And we can all stay together, in one place, the way we belong.”

Kylo’s gaze met Rey’s over their daughter’s head, his expression ravaged, Rey’s eyes already swimming with unshed tears.

“Soon, my love,” Kylo whispered against dark curls. “Soon we’ll be all together, the way we belong.” He repeated her words back to her, like a mantra.

Eliana pulled away with a pout. “That’s what you always say. Soon, soon. Soon takes too long! I’m already four-years-old, papa!”

Kylo flinched like he’d been hit by a blaster. “I know, sweetheart. I know. I’m sorry, I—” His voice cracked and Rey abruptly turned around and walked a few steps away from them. Kylo could see her shoulders shudder briefly. “I wish things could be different. Could work faster. But your mama and I, we’re trying. We’re trying to get our family together again. I promise you that. You just have to wait a bit longer.”

Eliana heaved out a sigh with the level of exasperation only a four-year-old could manage. “Fine. But only a bit longer, got it?”

Kylo let out a chuckle, even as he looked up and willed his tears to dry. “Got it, my girl. You go with your mama now, okay? I’ll come see you soon. Don’t try and come to me again, alright? Mama is right, it’s not safe enough. Let me come see you instead. Promise?”

“I promise, papa!” Eliana wrapped her small, sinewy arms around her father’s neck and kissed him on the cheek. “I love you, papa. And I miss you all the time,” she added, in the innocently gut-wrenching way only a child is capable of, wrapping her arms tighter around him and burying her face in his neck.

He choked back a sob and hugged her back tightly, closing his eyes and breathing in her scent. His baby. His sweet girl. Getting bigger each day – and him, not around to see it. Just like his father before him. A shudder ran through his entire body with the effort to keep from breaking down.

He felt a gentle, but firm hand on his shoulder. Slowly he looked up to catch Rey’s watery eyes with his own.

She gave him a small, sad smile. Soon.

He nodded, not sure if either of them really believed it. Kissing his daughter a final time on one of her perfect ears, he relinquished his hold on her.

Rey hoisted her into her own arms and moved back as the little girl steadied herself in her mother’s hold.

“Bye, papa,” she said glumly, resting her head on Rey’s shoulder.

“Bye, my girl,” he rasped, touching his fingers to his lips. “My girls.” He looked at Rey.

Her lips quivered and she looked away.

“Be safe,” he whispered, looking at her pleadingly.

She nodded. “Always.” She glanced down at her daughter, then around the room, as though someone was waiting to burst out of the shadows and catch them unawares. Finally, she looked up at Kylo.

He knew that look.

He stood as she met him in two strides and he wrapped his arms around her, around them both, and Rey tangled one hand into his hair and they held their daughter between them as their lips met in a scorching kiss, tongues stroking, teeth clacking, tasting like joy and sorrow and heartbreak and hope.

And over too soon.

Kylo allowed Rey to pull back and she settled back down to the flats of her feet. He stole one more kiss, a soft one, this one conveying security and familiarity, a “see you soon” or a “goodnight”. The little comforts that they had yet to be afforded, but that they hoped, someday, they could look forward to.

Adjusting Eliana in her arms once more, she took a few stumbling steps back and closed her eyes. Kylo knew she was preparing to close the bond, knew that she had some power in controlling it, just as he did now.

“I love you,” he blurted out, before she could disappear. “I miss you. God, I miss you.”

Her eyes snapped open as twin tears streaked down her cheeks in unison.

And then they were gone.

now what? –> see all my prompt fills | fic master post | ask me anything

[theotherscarmanthewoman]

Series 1 Review

Forty-three episodes later, Series 1 (Season 1?) is done and dusted. Before launching into Series 2 tomorrow with Planet of Giants, I thought it might be fun to do a little review of the story so far...

General Thoughts

Overall, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. I’d seen most of these serials as a kid, though never in the right order, and watching them from beginning to end has given me a newfound appreciation for just how much excellent character development there is in the early years of the show. I have also become a diehard Barbara fan. Obv. 

From a feminist perspective, there’s been a lot to like, though there have been a few major issues for me. As far as the series regulars go, Barbara gets to do a fair amount of physically, emotionally, and verbally badass things whilst remaining a well-rounded character: she’s clever, compassionate, occasionally morbid, brave, pragmatic, imaginative, resourceful, and deeply flawed in an entirely non-gendered way *cough*AZTECS*cough*. However, she also nearly gets raped in The Snows of Terror, has men draw lots over who gets to murder her in Marco Polo (only to be victim blamed by the eponymous dickhead of the serial), and is often a victim of the well-meaning but mostly stifling paternalism of Ian Chesterton (though she does at least get to complain about it). 

Susan is more problematic, as she very rarely gets a chance to shine, and suffers greatly at the hands of writers who just don’t know what to do with her. All too often, she’s reduced to a plot device, which I suppose is how she started out, after all: she was a means of getting the humans onto the Tardis and introducing us to the Doctor. And while she had genuine and gorgeous character development in Marco Polo and The Sensorites (the latter in the face of serious patriarchal bullshit from the Doctor), she ended the first series as a means of getting/keeping other characters in and out of jail whenever it was narratively convenient for her to have a mystery headache. JUSTICE FOR SUSAN! There are also way too many episodes that fail the Bechdel test for a series that has two women in the recurring cast.

Favourite Serials

I am the kind of person who panics when there are more than five options on a menu, so obviously I cannot restrict myself to a single favourite serial. With this in mind, and with the proviso that none of these are entirely unproblematic, here are my top three (in no particular order):

The Daleks I love this serial for so many reasons: Barbara getting her shit together after the whole caveman debacle/having been given a serious fright by a Dalek for the first time in Whovian history, donning a pair of hexagon trousers, and going on to display her infinite capacity for badassery (see exhibits A, B, and C); Space Corbyn; the Daleks being established as Space Nazis; the birth of Team Tardis; hexagons; Barbara and Ian fighting (which I always enjoy); the Doctor giving Barbara hope in the first of many classic chats; and of course Barbara deciding that yes she will kiss that alien, thank you very much.

The Edge of Destruction This is so ambitious and weird and wonderful, and of course contains that epic Barbara Wright verbal smackdown. The Tardis is alive and speaks in melty clocks and photographs (setting in motion a Tardis character arc without which The Doctor’s Wife would not have been possible), Susan is possessed and scissor-happy, Ian is in a ludicrously short dressing-gown, the Doctor learns to cherish his humans, the Doctor  gets crazy excited talking about the birth of solar system, the humanities save the day, and everyone learns about each other and therefore about themselves. Just don’t ask me whether it makes any actual sense.

The Aztecs Problematic as all hell, but so very, very interesting. Barbara’s hubris, Susan’s continued arranged marriage issues post-Ping-Cho, the Doctor and Barbara bonding over history and time travel and ethics, Space Bro antics, badassery, ruined lives (Autloc! Cameca!), and life-long lessons learned. A meaty historical with repercussions for the whole of Doctor Who.

An honourable mention must also go to Marco Polo, which drove me absolutely crazy at times (because it’s missing, because yellowface, because Marco being the actual worst and causing me to go on my first sustained rant about rape culture in Classic Who), because in it we got a glimpse of Susan’s potential as a character. Which got shat on from a great height in The Reign of Terror. 

Bring That Side Character Aboard the Tardis

Ping-Cho PRECIOUS CINNAMON GOLDFISH YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH SUSAN AND YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SPACE (GIRL)FRIENDS FOREVER.

Ganatus His brother is dead, many of his friends are dead, and his planet is mostly fucked. Get that Thal aboard the Tardis so Barbara can show him just how much she doesn’t always do what Ian says; a whirlwind space romance would do them both a power of good. 

Character Development

The Doctor has had quite the journey, from the selfish goblin we met in a junkyard in 1963 who was quite happy to brain a caveman with a rock (and leave Barbara to die of radiation poisoning on Skaro) to the selfish goblin we met on a road in eighteenth-century France who was quite happy to brain a man with a shovel (on his quest to save his friends from the guillotine). The quality of his selfishness has been transformed because he now cares for two humans who have grown to care about him. He’s learned some manners, he’s learned about two other people, and he’s learning about himself.

Susan. Poor, poor Susan. She had such potential to be an interesting character, but alas she was served shoddily by writers who didn’t know what to do with her. She got to talk about home and what it means to be a wanderer in Marco Polo and The Sensorites, and she even got to stretch her telepathic legs in the latter, but alas her character development has suffered throughout the series. The one consistent thread for Susan is her increasing attachment to her human Space Parents, and her ongoing issues with saying goodbye. I have so many questions about Susan, but unfortunately none of the writers could be arsed to answer them.

I worry about Ian, actually, because he seems to have become desensitised to violence in a way that surely can’t be healthy for him. He also seems increasingly unable to function when he’s not being called upon to be Action Man (or indeed welded to the side of Barbara Wright). The weirdest example of this is when he thought all his friends were dead and he was stranded in eighteenth-century France, so he decided to become a spy for the counterrevolution just for something to do. At the beginning of the series, I disliked Ian enormously for his patronising paternalism; I don’t dislike him any more, but as I say, I worry about what’s going to happen to him when he finally makes it home and he has to function on an everyday level again without the psychological crutches of ‘I must kill the bad guys’ and ‘I must find/protect Barbara’. I also worry about his change of attitude from ‘I’m not going to do this because it’s wrong’ to ‘I’m going to do whatever it takes to get everyone out of this mess alive and I’m going to decide that whatever this involves is morally right’. And I think the turning point for that might well have been on Skaro where he managed to convince himself that asking the Thals to sacrifice themselves for the greater good was morally the right thing to do if he could find a way of thinking about it as helping the Thals to help themselves. I do love his Space Bro relationship with the Doctor, though. And his ongoing leftie streak.

Oh Babs. She’s really developed over the series, and what is excellent about seeing it in order is that it becomes clear that the Barbara we met in An Unearthly Child was Barbara on a (really) bad day. And yes, she went into hysterics over a dead pig. But very soon this self-professed unwilling adventurer was getting stuck in: no sooner had she recovered from a nasty bout of radiation sickness in a Dalek cell on Skaro than she was busy making mud pies to take out those malevolent pepper pots, embracing the local fashions, flirting with the locals, and taking on Daleks with rocks and a can-do attitude. She adapts to the situation time after time, and learns about time-travel and history the hard way, bonding with the Doctor and caring for her fellow travellers; if The Edge of Destruction is the Doctor’s turning point, The Aztecs is hers. But we also see that being surrounded by death is beginning to take its toll, as well as a nihilistic sense of the absurd that comes of having truly absorbed the lesson that you can’t rewrite history. Fortunately for Babs, the Doctor is actually there for her at these times, as we’ve seen from their ongoing time-travel chats. I think the biggest surprise of the series for me has been the relationship between the Doctor and Barbara, actually; they’re teaching one another to be better time travellers.

A note on shipping

I have deliberately shied away from overtly shipping Barbara and Ian in the recaps (though I’ve been less successful elsewhere), not because I don’t believe with every fibre of my being that they absolutely ended up getting hitched when they got back to Earth, but because frankly it’s more interesting when they fight than when they’re being cute. Also I’m saving a post on the many aspects of their relationship for after The Chase, as I feel like that will help me deal with my Feelings after they leave the show.

BRING ON SERIES 2!