#yes i’m like if julie winters was very small and pathetic

[groupwest]

sorry for sleeping in, every night i lay restless awake in bed thinking about about all the animals i’ve loved that my mother has killed, and i wonder if it’s exactly that which made me who i am.. that’s all

[deputylacy]

Character Interview

tagged by: not tagged by anyone but I want to do it sooo...

tagging: @pabstbeerpussy @scarlettkat86 @starsandskies @fkingpeggies and idk who else so do it if you want! Or dont do it, its okay!!

(Top answer is Lacy, bottom is Chanel)

name ➔ "Lacy Marie Morrison, later Morrison-Boshaw! Because I got married! That's why!! What do you mean you get it?"

"Chanel Sera Payne. Yes my middle name means serum and I am a nurse. Funny, isn't it? No? Yeah, it's not."

are you single ➔ "Hell no! I've got Sharky and we're in it together FOREVER!"

"No, I am not. Staci and I are in love and committed."

are you happy ➔ “Of course I am! Sharky, Boomer, and the freedom to do what I please? How can I Not Be?!"

"I definitely am. With Staci, with my job, my friends, my free time...I certainly am happy."

are you angry ➔ "John gave me that dumbass Wrath tattoo because he thinks I'm wrathful. But I'm pretty chill unless you give me a reason to be mad. Then I'm not so chill."

"No, it takes a lot to get me mad. Really the only thing that has made me incredibly angry is what Jacob did to Staci."

are your parents still married ➔  "They were when they passed. My dad died in a car wreck, mom died of pneumonia."

"Yes, they are."

NINE FACTS

birth place ➔ “Missoula!"

"Hope County, but I moved to Seattle for most of my adolescence and young adulthood."

hair colour ➔  "Black! Sharky says he loves dark haired girls. He got lucky with me!"

"Light blonde. And yes, it is natural."

eye colour ➔ “Dark brown. Sharky says they look like cool demon eyes. Maybe that's why the Seeds think I'm from Hell or whatever."

"Golden brown. I could've had blue from my dad's side, but you know how genes work. Mom won."

birthday ➔ “July 6, we use the leftover fireworks from the 4th to celebrate."

"September 13."

mood ➔ "Content. Could be having more fun if I was causing chaos with Sharky."

"I'm fine, I suppose. I miss Staci, he's at work."

gender ➔ “We're both girls."

summer or winter ➔ "Winter! You ever melt a snow drift with a flamethrower? It's fun as hell."

"Winter. It's just so beautiful! And relaxing indoors with hot cocoa and warm blankets and Staci by my side...its lovely."

morning or afternoon ➔ “I'd say afternoons considering I'm usually not awake until noon."

"Mornings. I get to have coffee and take a warm shower with Staci before work and it's pleasant."

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

are you in love ➔ “Hell yeah! Sharky and I, we're in it forever."

"I certainly am. I couldn't love and care for anyone more than I can with Staci."

do you believe in love at first sight ➔ "The first second I met Sharky, my heart nearly exploded. I was like, this guy is 100% my type. We're getting together. So yeah."

"In a way, yeah. I felt something when I met Staci like, no we aren't in love at the moment, but I feel like we could be eventually."

who ended your last relationship ➔ "Never had a relationship outside of Sharky. So nobody."

"Him. He told me I was pathetic, but it was his fault for doing...things to me. Of course he saw me that way."

have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ “No, but I've cracked plenty of ribs doing CPR."

"I think I broke my parents' hearts when I decided to go back to Hope County. They thought our life was so perfect in Seattle...but I wanted to go home."

are you afraid of commitments ➔ "Nah. I commit myself to something, I'm sticking with it."

"Kind of. Other than Staci, my other relationships were abusive and I did not want to stay with them. So it made me fear the thought of sticking with someone forever."

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Sharky, of course! And Boomer. And Peaches (not Staci), and Cheeseburger. I love my boyfriend and my animals."

"Staci. He's really the only person I feel comfortable hugging."

have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ "Before Hurk saw how Sharky and I felt things for each other, he had a crush on me. He once told Sharky I had a nice ass, not knowing we were together, and Sharky pushed him down a hill."

"I'm not sure. I hope not."

have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ "Eh, not really."

"When I left Seattle, I broke my own heart along with my parents'."

SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔ "I can't feel lust without love. So both."

"Love. Love is an amazing, perfect feeling."

lemonade or iced tea ➔ “Lemonade! Pink is better, though. Ever tried hard lemonade? It's the shit!"

"Iced tea, preferably with some kind of fruit additive."

cats or dogs ➔ "I love all animals! Why do you think I take so many nature walks?"

"Dogs and cats are both great, but I feel like a dog's protective and unconditional loving nature shows more. So dogs, I'd say."

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔ "My guns for hire, that's all I need! So, I guess a few best friends."

"A few. I don't really like socializing so I'll keep the few I have."

wild night out or romantic night in ➔ "If by 'wild night out' you mean setting shit on fire, blasting music, and getting drunk with Sharky, then that's my choice!"

"Romantic night in. Sometimes Staci will do cute things like leave rose petals on the path to the bath or bed, prepare some rose wine, candles...it's very nice."

day or night ➔ “Night! Fire shows brighter at night, and cooler animals come out at night."

"Day. I like the sunshine."

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔ “Yeah, in high school I had some delinquent friends and we'd sneak out to go set fires, vandalize, that kinda thing. My parents would sometimes catch me but they wouldn't really punish me."

"No. I've never snuck out."

fallen down/up the stairs ➔ "Both! Mostly because I was drunk."

"I think up the stairs, if I was in a hurry. Down, I haven't."

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ "Even though I knew Sharky and I were gonna end up together, when we were just friends I wanted nothing more than to be more than that."

"I wanted Staci to be safe and escape from Jacob so much that I'd have panic attacks."

wanted to disappear ➔ "Nah. I'm here to stay."

"As a teenager, being a doormat and abused...well...I tried. Now I don't, though."

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔ “Sharky's got gorgeous eyes, don't get me wrong, but that smile gives me butterflies every time."

"I can't choose between the two on Staci. His eyes are so intense, his smile so sweet...they're both too beautiful."

shorter or taller ➔ “Taller! I'm small, I like guys that tower over me. Lucky that Sharky's a foot taller than me."

"I'd say taller, considering I'm 5'2 and a guy being shorter than me is rare."

intelligence or attraction ➔ “Both are good, but if you haven't noticed, Sharky's kinda lacking on the intelligence thing..."

"Both are necessary for me. It's good Staci has both."

hook-up or relationship ➔ "Relationships. I can't do short term shit. I'm committed to Sharky, anyways."

"Considering I'm with Staci, I would never hook up with someone. Relationship."

FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔  "When they were alive, we got along for the most part. They were annoyed at my deviant friend circle, but proud of my academic shit."

"Yeah, I'd say so. They got upset when I left Seattle because they'd miss me, and I was upset to leave, but that's really our only disagreement."

would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ "Yeah, and I love it!"

"Now that Staci's back and my job is stable, I don't think I can say yes to this."

have you ever ran away from home ➔ “I'd sneak out and go on drives to other towns with my friends in high school, but that's about it."

"No, I haven't."

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “Nah, my parents threatened it a couple times in high school but never delivered."

"No. My parents are super attached to me."

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “Hell no! Why would I have a friend I hate?"

"No, of course not!"

do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ “Yep! We're all the best of friends!"

"Of course. I don't like the thought of a casual friend."

who is your best friend ➔ "Sharky, of course! And Chanel, my first Hope County friend!"

"Staci. But also, Lacy."

who knows everything about you ➔ "Sharky does! We share everything!"

"Staci, he's really the only person I trust to know things about me."

[juniper-and-lamplight]

2019 Femslash February Recs

It’s Femslash February! Which means it’s time for some RECS. Here you’ll find multifandom femslash fics, as well as a few not-quite-femslash fics that focus on female characters. My femslash reading is all over the place, and this list follows suit: some recs are new, some are collected from earlier rec posts; all are in alphabetical order by fandom, at least. Recs below the cut, and please remember to show your love with kudos and comments! 

Code Name Verity Wind, Sand, Devotion - montparnasse, read by fire_juggler - 6k, 53min, T, Maddie/Julie "Empty spaces want for filling, and Maddie Brodatt is overflowing." A gorgeous, sensitive pod of a hauntingly lovely fic.

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency A Moment of Clarity - electricteatime | @kieren-fucking-walker - 7k, G, Farah/Tina “Farah is saved from answering when Tricia promptly throws up on her own shoes. She would be more annoyed, but in the moment she finds herself too preoccupied to care. Girls with girls. There’s a thought." If you believe that Farah Adrienne Black deserves ALL the love and acceptance, from herself and from others, then you absolutely must read this fic.

real and okay and beautiful - embraidery | @blueandnoah - 2.8k, G, Farah/Tina/Amanda (but mostly just friendship) "Mona's feeling down in the dumps (body insecurities) and her friends try to help her feel better about it all!" Do you love awesome women supporting each other and feeling free? If so, read this!

Keep the Home Fires Burning - @flightinflame - 16k, M, Farah/Tina, AU "Bergsberg is a small town off the beaten track. For Project Vesta, a Blackwing runaway, it offers a fresh start and the chance of a friend in the town's sheriff." A painful, cathartic fic that gives Tina’s character some real attention, and gives Farah and Tina the happiness they deserve.

pray for the thunder and the rain - inkyfishes - 7k, T, Farah/Amanda "A Farah-centric slice of a possible future. Everything has gone wrong. Everything is broken. Farah works through her anxiety whilst beginning their lives on the run. Her place in the universe is, as yet, undecided." An excellent and all-too-brief glimpse into Farah’s psyche, with a steady undercurrent of Faranda.

i was born in a summer storm (i live there still) - janeseyre - 10k, G, Farah & Todd & Dirk "Farah confronts the vestiges of her past as she, Dirk, and Todd travel east to visit her mother. It turns out Farah isn’t as over her father’s death as she thought she was." A deeper look into Farah’s families, both biological and chosen; full of lovely little smile moments and Farah getting the closure she deserves.

Never Played It Cool - @lavellington - 1.8k, T, Farah/Amanda "Dude," Amanda says, squeezing her tight while her hair tickles Farah's face. "It's so good to see you." "You too," Farah says, meaning it, and when they break apart Amanda's hands linger on her shoulders for a second longer than they have to, and that's nice. That's enough to feed her borderline pathetic crush for a week, at least.” Short, sweet, a tiny bit steamy, and beautifully in-character.

Hold Her Fast - Lynds | @gold-from-straw - 11.9k, T, Farah/Amanda, AU "Farah Black is the new girl in Amanda's school, and she's captivating. Everyone has a story about her. Amanda just can't quite figure out why her entire being is so totally aware of her, why her skin prickles when she's around, why Farah looks more real than anyone else she's ever known." I’m not typically into high school AUs, but this one is funny, moving, angsty, and gloriously DEFIANT.

Firearms Proficiency 101 - @nekosmuse - 3k, T, Farah/Amanda "I can't believe you took me to your private shooting range on our first date. That is so punk." Do you enjoy awkward Faranda? ME TOO. Especially stuff like Farah saying: "I... I am... into you as well." These nerds <3

you will soothe my worried looks - orphan_account - 2k, T, Farah/Amanda “Farah sees a therapist. It's a strange journey, but not one she needs to take alone." I would read many thousands more words of Farah in therapy, honestly.

there's cell reception on this widow's walk - strix_alba - 2k, T, Farah/Tina "In which Tina sort-of-kind-of asks Farah to stay with her in Bergsberg, and Farah kind-of-sort-of wants to say yes." Clumsy flirting, Farina styles! Tina mentally describes the Jacket Team as a “bunch of hot, uptight weirdos,” which is p e r f e c t.

Coincidental - tastewithouttalent - 3.7k, M, Farah/Tina "It turns out that blue is a ridiculously good color against the dark of Farah’s skin, and also that that shirt fits her better than any shirt has any right to fit anyone, and also apparently Tina has more of a uniform kink than she realized she did." You just have to love a babbling, awkwardly-crushing Tina.

(Note: this rec list isn't meant to be About Me, buuuuut if you’re into DGHDA femslash, I’ve written a few Farina fics you might enjoy.)

Ghostbusters (2016) Celebrate the Me Yet To Come - Vera (Vera_DragonMuse), read by @revolutionaryjo - 6k, 37min, M, Jillian/Erin "She is deeply strange and strangely deep. She looks in the void and the void blinks first. This is how Jillian Holtzman makes herself." Holtzmann is such a fantastically odd character, it's so enjoyable to dig into her past and her passions.

i don't wanna give you up (i don't wanna let you love somebody else but me) - @notcaycepollard, read by RevolutionaryJo - 3k, 20min, E, Jillian/Erin "Erin Gilbert is not the second or even the fifth straight girl Jillian’s ever fallen for, and it’s kind of getting to be a problem, except when she sees Dr Erin Gilbert, she thinks, maybe, this woman might be a statistical outlier." Closely observed, funny, hot, and the narrative voice is perfect.

Gilmore Girls Suggestions (And Mallomars) - Mosca | @moscarific, 3.3k, T, Rory/Paris "Identity, chocolate, mother-daughter relations, and the importance of voting: scenes from the first 90 days." Hands down, this is a more plausible (and enjoyable) romance than any of the ones that actually occurred in canon.

Harry Potter Library Solicitation - @gracerene09 - 1k, G, Cho/Hermione "It's not as if it's unusual for a solicitor to spend so much time in the Law Library of the Ministry of Magic. Hermione has a lot of cases to prepare for, after all. It certainly has nothing to do with how helpful and interesting and surprisingly funny their newest librarian is." As a librarian, I'm verrrry picky about librarian fics, but this was adorable.

The violets and the bloodroot - @lbmisscharlie - 908 words, G, Hermione/Luna "Luna strokes the underside of one tentacle; the plant hums. Hermione’s skin feels warm, her breath humid. The Room of Requirement offers up many things." Short, but vivid and memorable.

Winter Like a Balm - Lomonaaeren - 2k, T, Ginny/Luna "The first winter after Fred's death, Ginny escapes into the Forbidden Forest with Luna and her unicorns." A gentle but deeply felt story about grief and loss that brings Ginny through to the other side, to the terror/joy of allowing herself to feel hopeful again.

Grazed Knees - montparnasse - 5k, T, Luna/Ginny "The war is over, except that it isn't, and Ginny is done fighting, except that she's not." The mood in this one is so evocative, and I love it so much.

Blood Magic and Rebirth (or, The One Where They Are All Feminist Academics) - notcaycepollard - 1k, G "Moon cups, Luna thinks. Moon cups and blood magic. And she remembers the old itch under her skin, and a music box fluttering into a flock of birds, and wonders just how powerful it could be." Not femslash, but this fic is 1000% headcanon for me now.

Trust A Few - @violetclarity - 13.2k, T, Hermione/Pansy "Hermione has a pregnant adopted sister, parents who don’t believe she’s bisexual, and a crush the size of the Great Lake on Pansy Parkinson. Taking Pansy up on her offer to be Hermione’s fake date to her parents’ Christmas dinner could solve at least one of those problems...but it could also make everything worse." Half holiday romcom, half character study of adult Hermione her relationships (both romantic and familial).

Independent Love Song - @writcraft - 6.2k, E, Ginny/Millie "Millicent Bulstrode is a tailor and Ginny is losing her mind over a woman in a tweed blazer and burgundy brogues." I saw the summary and thought “hell yes,” and then I read the fic and upgraded that to a “FUCK YES PLEASE.” I love dapper butch Millie, and just-out but all-in Ginny, and also I would like to own ALL of Millie’s clothes.

His Dark Materials Selected Moments in Introductory Symbology - @kaydeefalls - 5.6k, G, Lyra/OFC "Lyra in Oxford after the Fall, relearning the alethiometer and discovering a life of her own." A poignant yet hopeful follow-up to the original trilogy, with characterization that feels very authentic while still allowing for growth.  

Merlin A Statue Strong Enough for Two - @theladyragnell, read by exmanhater - 39k, 3hrs 30min, E, Elena/Mithian "Elena is a street-level superhero. A visit from an old enemy forces her to step up and see what she might have to do with the Sidhe who invaded and were sent away twenty years ago. Luckily, she has fellow superheroes to back her up, and a new girlfriend in her regular life to make things feel more normal." I admit that I was skeptical going in, but the characterization and world-building in this AU is strong and absorbing.

Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries Rise and reprove the insolent daylight - lbmisscharlie - 3k, E, Phryne/Mac "Mac takes a breath; Phryne exhales. The trailing skirt of Phryne’s shining dress – starlight and sparkle – brushes the backs of Mac’s hands as she slides them up to Phryne’s knees. Her stockings are soft; her thighs fall open, softly, under Mac’s hands, which clench, just slightly, with the heat that sends to her gut." Lush and laden with sensory details and weighty emotion

Every Day's Most Quiet Need - @tiltedsyllogism - 22k, unrated, Phryne/Mac, Phryne/Jack "Doctor Elizabeth Macmillan does not traffick in regrets...if Mac occasionally longs for a time before her friend became somehow distracted by the stiff shoe that is Inspector Jack Robinson— well, one must always endure some bad with the good." I love everything about this fic, but especially the closely observed characterization, of both individuals and relationships. There's a moment where Mac recognizes that she and Jack share a certain kind of "well-tailored" intensity...I almost shouted "YES THIS" when I read it.

et faisons la grasse matinée - mazily | @ylizam - 1k, M, Phryne/Mac, Phryne/Jack "'I do love you,' Mac says. She's not fond of saying it." Quiet, atmospheric, and sensual.

Sherlock How the mouth changes its shape - breathedout | @havingbeenbreathedout - 132k, E, Sherlock/Johnnie, AU “1955. A hidden London; the clandestine love between women. To Sherlock Holmes, struggling private detective and mistress of disguise, it’s a realm she renounced. To Johnnie Watson, daredevil ambulance driver turned auto mechanic, it’s too familiar.” Not only is this a deliciously plotty mystery with complex characterization, it’s also well-researched historical fiction. (Also recommended: HBBO’s Femslash and sex-writing essays.)

In the palms of the hands, invisible - lbmisscharlie - 3k, E, Sherlock/Jo "'I touch myself here, in this room, stretched out on the sofa, when you’re asleep, or showering, or – or in the kitchen –' Sherlock's breath hitches, almost imperceptibly, when Jo’s hand skitters, startled by the deep, rumbling rush of lust that pools low in her cunt at Sherlock’s words." The voice and characterization in this fic absolutely destroys me. It’s so uncomfortable and fascinating and real.

Diversionary Tactics - ShinySherlock, read by @fffinnagain- 2k, 16min, E, Molly/Irene, AU "Oh. This could be interesting. Irene’s fingers moved to the third button of the dress and paused. 'Shall I just . . . check the rest of you, then? Make sure you’re quite all right?'" A brief, hot, historical PWP, Mollrene style. UNF. Finnagain's performance is very...impassioned--maybe don't listen in public ;)

Supernatural To know what's under the floor - beckaandzac, read by exmanhater - 4k, 21min, G, Charlie/Jo, AU "No one here is like me, Jo thinks, and she knows it’s what every eighteen year old on the planet thinks. And she also knows in her case it’s completely justified. But then she meets Charlie." A college sorta-AU in which Charlie and Jo get something a lot closer to the lives they deserved.

Wonder Woman (2017) be yourself my ally - imperfectcircle - 15k, G, Diana/Etta 'That’s all very flattering,' Etta says when Diana has finally run out of steam, 'but surely you have more qualified candidates than me?' 'You are of the world of men.' Diana looks a little embarrassed. 'But not a man.' Diana and Etta go back to Themyscira." Did you wish for more Themyscira in the Wonder Woman movie? Did you think that Etta Candy was delightful and underutilized? ME TOO! Hence, my love for this fic.

Etta Candy's Last Stand - sanguinity - 2k, T, Diana/Etta "This is the way Etta is going to die: trapped between a bed and Diana Prince’s breasts." Bless Etta Candy and her dorky, romantic heart.

Beyond Belief - thingswithwings - 14k, E, Diana/Peggy, crossover "Diana finds her for the first time in 1947, underneath a rather heavy pile of fallen masonry." An unapologetically sexy crossover fic about camaraderie (and attraction) between two badass women.

Further fic recs | Fic bookmarks

[bbbb-barnes]

Friend Of A Friend, A Bucky Barnes X Reader Fic.

Bucky Barnes can’t seem to stop running into a friend of a friend, he also can’t seem to stop himself being infatuated with her infectious smile, quick wit and her ability to bring the walls he had spent so long building, crashing down. 

Got loads of unfinished fics and exams so why not yeaaaa

Warnings; Swearing.

It was hot. Mid July and in the middle of a particularly hot week in NYC, the papers were calling it the ‘worst heatwave in NYC since 1943.’ It was the kind of sticky heat that made you sweat just from standing up and when you walked out of a building the heat hit you like a brick wall. The air smelt of salty sweat and sun damaged skin and everybody was in a particularly sluggish mood. It was 11:30am on a Thursday morning, the sun was almost at its highest point and you could tell. People milled in and out of the National Archives building, some came in just for the shade, but you had no energy to refuse them. There was a particularly aggravated lady occupying the desk, she was fanning her face with one hand, the other was clutching a stack of papers, she was trying to request a file on behalf of the company she worked for but didn’t have ID. She seemed to be giving your colleague, Andrea a particularly hard time about it. Andrea was a middle aged, African American woman who you worked closely with, she was on the same shift pattern as you and you had become somewhat close friends because of that.

“I have told you ma’am I cannot give you the file without any valid ID to prove that the person who is authorized on that form is actually you” Andrea repeated, exasperated and with an edge to her voice, that usually meant ‘don’t push me’ she placed her hands on her hips and raised her brows at the blonde woman, who must have been about 35, she clicked her tongue at Andreas words and sighed heavily.

“But it is me, that’s my name right there” the woman almost whined and slammed a manicured finger down on the name highlighted on the form.

“How do I know that?” Andrea asked, raising her eyebrows further and cocking her head at the difficult customer. The woman slammed her stiletto clad heels down on the marble flooring of the NA building.

“You’re telling me, I have to walk back across the city in this heat, just to get my ID to collect a file that I can see from here” She pointed wildly behind Andreas head and into the filling room as she raised her voice a few octaves in pure frustration. Andrea remained unfazed by the woman’s outburst and kept a calm demeanour.

“Unless you can produce some identification from where the sun doesn’t shine then yes, that’s what you’re going to have to do, it’s company policy” Andrea crossed her arms over her chest and gave the customer a testing look, the look that warned most people they were getting dangerously close to the edge. Despite the woman’s clear irritation, she didn’t push further, just sighed dramatically and gathered her papers.

“This is pathetic” she hissed at the two of you before striding across the marble flooring, her heels clicking violently as she left. Andrea turned to face you, a look of annoyance on her features.

“It is too hot to be dealing with people like that today” She declared, taking a sip of her water bottle that she grabbed from under the counter and took a moment to lean back against the filing cabinets that you were currently riffling around in, you looked up at her and wiped your head with the back of your hand and nodded in agreement.

“Your patience is a virtue” you praised jokingly and gave up on your task to join her in leaning against the black filling cabinet. You both surveyed the large building from your stance behind the counter.

“Well I’m running low on it” She grumbled as you snorted. You both enjoyed a few moments of peace, Andrea’s eyes surveying the floor as you leaned your head back and shut your eyes, thankful for the small break when you remembered something that made you grin with slight excitement. You opened your eyes and pulled your head forward to face your co-worker.

“Andrea, I think there’s some ice cream sandwiches in the freezer in the break room” you told her eagerly, excited at the thought of something to cool you down, even if it was only slightly. She turned her head to face you and narrowed her eyes slightly.

“Well what are you waiting for child, go get them” she faux scolded and shooed you into the back which made you chuckle but you did as you were told and hurried through the filling room and down the linoleum hall way that connected to the break room, a dingy room with a table and chairs, a small fridge and freezer and a microwave that was on the fritz. You pulled the door open to the freezer and sighed contently as the cold air rushed over your overheated body, you didn’t waste another second before rummaging around in the old freezer, it was right at the back you saw the box and pulled it out in triumph, similar to a war torn hero retrieving an important artefact from the fiery depths of hell, or something like that. You clutched the two to your chest and shut the door with your foot, on the way back you decided you just could not wait for the whole 30 second walk and ripped yours open with your teeth, discarding the wrapping in the bin in the filling room, you emerged into the light, like a hero, tucking into your ice cream sandwich.

“Well, it was hard but I di…” You started as you walked out but was interrupted by Andrea stood at the desk looking displeased with two large burly men in full combat gear who didn’t look so happy themselves. One of the men you recognised as Sam Wilson aka The Falcon AKA your only friend in your politics and international relations night class and the other man as The Winter Solider. You had taken the class purely because you were interested in the subject and almost dropped out when you heard a bunch of girls gossiping at your induction sign up.

“Did you know there’s supposed to be an Avenger in this class, it’s the only reason I took it”

“Oh my GOD, I hope it’s Captain America, he is hot”

“No, his friend is so much hotter”

“Jesus they’re all snacks”

You cringed at the memory. It wasn’t that you disagreed with the girls at all, they were all hotter than this insufferable heatwave. But you didn’t want to have to put up with fan girls and the fact there would be a hunky guy in your class, that would no doubt know he was hot and get good grades without even trying and all the pretty girls would be friends and it would be JUST LIKE HIGHSCHOOL GODDAMN IT. You were sure your sanity or anxiety couldn’t take it. You decided to sign up anyway and you could always change to a different subject if it was too bad.

However you had unknowingly sat next to said Avenger on the first night of classes, you were running late because you had been doing VERY important things that had overrun slightly (you had fell asleep watching MasterChef and almost ran into the lecture hall looking incredibly dishevelled and sat down in the closest seat to you). Nobody sat next to him despite their intrigue and attraction because Sam could be a scary looking guy when he wanted to be. You had almost choked when you realised who you were sitting next to, you were sure that your eyes had bulged out of your head and you were certain your breathing was incredibly sporadic, you looked like a mad woman.

“Is everything okay?” He had whispered, his deep voice had sounded concerned as he looked down on you, you noted how the short sleeve T- shirt he was wearing displayed his array of muscles.  

“Yep, fell asleep watching MasterChef, very disoriented, pretty much ran here, other than that yep I’m stellar. What about you, are you okay?” you had whispered back whilst nodding profusely, fuelling those mad woman traits. But he had just laughed down at you and you smiled back up at him and I guess the rest was history, you had somehow become good friends after that interaction. You realised pretty soon he wasn’t scary or intimating, he was just a huge goof with a wicked sense of humour. Despite being single and flirty, he didn’t really have much romantic interest in the girl in our class, but he did enjoy flirting.

They hadn’t noticed your entrance, so you watched the exchange from afar and ate your ice-cream.

“Do you have ID?” Andrea deadpanned, her eyes scanning the two men, she didn’t look impressed with their unpleasant demeanour. Sam whipped out his ID and handed it over without a word, he nudged his Avengers co-worker to do the same, The Winter Soldier, or Bucky Barnes as he goes by now, was devilishly handsome with long brown hair and beautiful blue eyes, you were certain his mysteriousness and intrigue caused girls to literally loose their minds over him, but he stayed quiet and brooding as he always did as he just shoved Sam back in annoyance.  Andrea examined the ID and handed it back, turning to look at the long-haired man expectantly.

“And yourself?” she tapped her red nails on the counter whilst she waited, he matched her deadpan expression and made no attempt to retrieve his ID.

“I don’t have any identification, I’m 100 years old” the man spoke in a deep, low voice, there was absolutely no trace of jest in his words and Andrea threw her hands in the air in exasperation. You snorted in amusement but decided to step in before she literally lunged at the two men.

“Sam?” you called as you stepped into view and all three of them snapped their heads towards you. Andrea looked relieved, Sam looked slightly shocked and Bucky held his deadpan expression.

“Y/N” he greeted with a grin. “Good, if you know these men you can deal with them” Andrea interrupted quickly sauntering off into the filling room, grabbing her ice cream sandwich from your outstretched hand as she went, you had long finished yours. You walked up to the desk and leaned on your arms.

“What’s up?” you asked casually looking up at him, he seemed to relax a little since seeing you and didn’t look as intimidating.

“Here on official Avengers business, on the hottest day of the damn year” he grumbled wiping his brow. “I forgot you worked here” he added, surveying the surroundings.

“New York’s finest National Archives administration assistant at your service” you mock saluted as Sam snorted. “One of us has to have a real job” you muttered, and Sam’s eyes widened at your words as he placed his hands on his chest in mock hurt as you grinned.

“I save the world” he protested loudly crossing his arms, you waved him off, not wanting to get into this debate today.

“What do you need Sam?” you asked again, standing up straight. The large man dumped a pile of papers on the counter.

“I need these files.” He stated simply.

“Buuuut no ID?” you questioned gesturing to Bucky and Sam rolled his eyes

“You heard the man he’s 100 years old, he fought in world war two, he’s an American hero Y/N!” he exclaimed dramatically, you looked to Bucky, deadpan expression still in place but he was nodding at Sam’s words solemnly.

“I’ll see what I can do” you murmured, grabbing the papers from Sam’s back and turning your back on them to riffle through some paperwork.

“You look great for 100, what’s your secret?” you called over your shoulder, keen on getting the infamous winter solider to converse with you.

“Get kidnapped, brain washed and frozen by a Nazi organisation” He answered flatly, you snickered at his words, grabbed the file you needed and whipped back around to face them.

“I ought to give it a try” You joked, unfazed by his comment, Bucky raised his eyebrow, the ghost of a smirk on his face.

“I wouldn’t recommend it, maybe a just a facial?” he suggested in his usual flat tone. You laughed and you saw his mouth quirk for a small second, before settling into the signature horrific death glare.

“Thank you so much for this, I am forever grateful” Sam went to grab the file out of your hands, but you raised it above your head quickly.

“I could lose my job over this”

“I know, and I am so thankful”

“I could lose my house, end up on the streets begging for scraps of foo—”

“Alright kid, what do you want” Sam interrupted with pursed lips, you smiled sweetly.

“Nothing I just want to hold it over your head for years to come” you waved the form around above his head, Bucky eyed it and you realised he could very easily snatch it if he wanted.

“How about lunch?” he offered, and you scrunched up your nose.

“HOMELESS Sam!” you reminded him with mock seriousness, he huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Lunch AND I’ll snag you an invite to Starks next party… Free booze” He tempted, and you considered his offer but before you could reply he had snatched the form out of your hand.

“That’s the best offer you’re ever going to get” Sam teased with sass in his voice.

“Make it dinner, tonight because I have no food in” you offered leaning over the counter to smile widely at Sam.

“Done!” He agreed with a triumphant smile.

“Would you like to come too, um Mr…Winter Solider?” you questioned, unsure of how to address him, he looked surprised and them amused, Sam chortled in the background, you shot him a glare.

“It’s Bucky, and no thank you” he gave you a polite smile, you were sure your grin faltered when he turned you down, but you quickly covered it up.

“Okay…If you change your mind, don’t hesitate to come cos’ Sam’s paying” you offered with a smile, Sam protested slightly but you waved him away. Bucky just gave you a small smirk and a nod.

“Duty calls, see you tonight, don’t look too pretty it might prevent me from getting a date” Sam joked, giving you a mock salute.

“Thank you very much for this” Bucky gave you a tight smile and you waved them off, watching them retreat into the sweltering New York sun.

[hellobarbarellauniverse]

Starting from scratch...at 31

When you feel like you’ve faced it all and it can only get better from here. But it doesn’t.  I was fully aware that all new beginnings are hard but I was not ready for this. The months of July and August had me bent over, staring blankly at walls in rooms that were not mine to keep, crying, wanting to give up and go home, not knowing if I have enough money for food, wanting to keep fighting because I have always pushed through no matter what, feeling alone, feeling thankful for my friends and feeling hungry. But mostly, feeling depressed. After victoriously returning from my 4 months in Longreach thankful that I have made it back with no major injuries (well, I did loose a toe nail but that’s a small price to pay) I imagined that just like everywhere else in the world I was living before, I will land a job easily. Finally get this Australian dream going. Get a car, start surfing, live in a cool shack. After all, I did suffer enough, right? I have the motivation, I have the experience, I have the skills. Let’s do this. Man was I wrong. Noosa is a paradise. It is also a spot where everyone from Australia and overseas wants to live so the competition is crazy. If you don’t have your own business or a history here, your options are pretty much hospitality or tourism. If you are not a certified barista (like everyone beyond the age of 16 seems to be) or a knowledgeable cocktail barman, there is the option of waitressing (if you can gracefully carry at least three full plates and casually entertain your posh guests). If none of those apply, plus you are an immigrant (”What visa are you on? Oh, sorry, we don’t really like that.”), there are the options of dishwashing or cleaning the resorts. I shrugged at that thought, thinking never-ever-ever will I sink this low. I did not come all the way here to wash dishes or scrub toilets (which I will learn later is not all that bad when your account is cleaned out).

Long story short, I have spent two months looking for a job. It does have a (hopefully) happy ending, but I am certainly not there yet.

To avoid being too pathetic, these are just few moments and things I have learnt along the way. I thought it would be good to have them somewhere in case I should get too comfortable with life again. 

I have moved five times during two months. I was living with a girl that pretended I am not really there and watched cheesy American teenage shows and stupid movies way too loud. For someone who needs their own space to keep their sanity this was also the time when I got that psychically unstable that I made myself sick and ended up projectile vomiting a whole night through. Holding on to a glass in my bed at the end of that madness because I was too weak to run to the toilet and there was not enough liquid in me worth making it all the way anyway. I think I was suppressing the stress both from my living situation and being unemployed and running out of money.  I was told that I should stop hoping that I will get a normal job and should go stocking the shelves in supermarket. Apparently, that is the “price you pay when you’re living the Noosa lifestyle”. I would be spending hours filling in the applications for dream jobs in Melbourne and updating my LinkedIn. And 5 minutes later, I would be compiling an excited cover letter saying why I am the right candidate to clean rooms in resorts. Which never worked out anyway because I “don’t have the right resort cleaning experience”. I did not know that there is a special technique to scrub the toilet but OK, fair enough.

At one point, I considered packing my stuff and fleeing to Melbourne since I thought there must be more job opportunities, also in my field. I did not go through with it as I did not have enough savings to get me going not even the first month and I couldn’t go through this all over again. Plus Melbourne in winter is misery.  I received the best feedback from a dream job application to a conceptual design studio in Melbourne saying that “as we are looking for a candidate with around 5-6 years of experience, we did feel that your background was not yet extensive enough to fulfill the needs of this role, though given your enthusiasm and work history so far, I am sure in time you would grow into the perfect fit.” I did not get this job, but I was given hope that a) being foreign does not necessarily disqualify you b) I have got what it takes to apply for these kind of ambitious jobs. 

This made it so much harder trying to understand why none of my applications and walk-ins in Noosa were successful. Not even a freaking job in a shitty restaurant! OK, I was a bit selective but what’s the point of living in Australia when you slave away in an Indian joint? I basically begged for jobs, saying that anything would work for me. 

At this point, your whole persona starts to slowly fade. The self-esteem and believing in your skills are gone. 

I have spent a few nights on a couch with friends, depending on them to feed me, cheer me up and keep me going. Bless them. I have moved to another room that belonged to a surfer dad with a small child who is surfing in South America at the moment and was kind enough to rent me his own room. I have photos of his son next to my bed. I have shoved all toys, kids books, Lego castles and other random shit into shelves and under the bed, as I couldn’t see myself living 5 weeks in a room of a bachelor without losing my mind again.  The Lego castles went, the fleas came. The fat grumpy cat George infested the whole house with fleas. Me and the two other girls living here have dozens of bites all over our bodies as the fleas have spread from George to all the carpets and rooms and thrive. When I finally forced the girls to clean and flea bomb the whole house after days in agony we washed George and pulled (I’m not kidding) what would have been close to 300 fleas out of him. I fucking hate living with cats. And since I was the only one following the requested routine to keep cleaning for the next 14 days, they are back. I will be out. I got excited that I can exhibit my photos from Longreach during the Horizon Underground festival. I got so excited because I love this project and I want to go places with it. It’s the first project I truly believe in. Then the curator shut me down claiming that “ he thought that they were not significantly linked to the other material planned for display ”. The other material next door was an exhibition about how we perceive death. I guess my raw images of dead lambs and dingos hanging from sign posts are not a very obvious link. All right then, I will find a more suitable place. I don’t have the money for prints anyway.  I am an occasional babysitter. I am not that person who thinks kids are cute and uses silly kids language. I think I was not too bad with Izzie, she is a cool kid. Until her sleeping time when she realized both her mum and dad took off to Splendid in Grass festival and I was afraid the neighbours will call the child protective services hearing her agonised screams “Mommy! Mooooomy” for almost half an hour before I gave up and rocked her to sleep again (what killed my back a bit). Or that moment when aa old lady asked me on a playground “How old is your girl?” and I replied “Dunno, 15 months?” :D 

I can hardly talk about living healthy as I am far from buying all good stuff I would like to have including fresh veggies, smoothies, quinoa salads with feta and such. Meat-what? One positive thing is that I have hardly touched sugar as I’d rather buy an apple or bread than a chocolate stick. When you have budget of 10 bucks and are hungry, you weigh your options carefully. It’s actually fun looking back at my emotional rollercoaster. I am also surprised I am not in an institution yet. Here is where I would like to thank my loyal friends (you know who you are) that let me pour my heart out and keep me going. JULY 11 Homeless and living out of my suitcase again. Squatting at Anna’s before moving in to Andy’s. JULY 12

Hi Barbara yes I would like you to exhibit in the green room at the old Ambo and to be on our volunteer staff during Horizon. Publicity! Please someone buy my prints. I got invited for the interview from the mysterious graphic design studio in Noosa that had no info on who they are but their requirements matched my skills perfectly!

JULY 13

I think I can’t make it anymore. JULY 18

Interview with Jaxon and Megs from Clandestino Roasters. Not so casual as expected, they made me sweat with tasks questions and “tell us something about yourself” questions. Somewhere along 50 minutes into the interview I gave up and pulled out my Longreach card. I really want to work for them, such lovely people and such a cool company. JULY 24

I think I’m done. I have no money, I am in debt back home, I owe money to my friends. I have no job. I eat the same breakfast (on a good day it is the same ritual of adding a quarter of an apple, stolen honey and three almonds to muesli, on a bad day it’s a discounted bread with butter). I am not buying basic things. I have no insurance in case something happens. I have no car. I ride Anna’s bike. I take buses together with school kids that don’t have a drivers license yet and an old guy with a catheter coming from his private parts that is ducktaped to his thigh who smells like lemongrass air refresher (I’m guessing to cover the smell of urine). I think it’s time to think about giving up and flying back.

JULY 25 Jaxon called me and offered me the job! Starting August 14. Hallellujah!!! Things might be happening! FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. Happy but still broke. I went to a bottle shop go buy prossecco to celebrate it but then I realized I got no money. But I still wanted to celebrate. So I bought myself a body lotion instead, since I haven’t had one for a couple of weeks considering it a luxury. I might be broke but I’ll be smooooooooth.

JULY 26 The worst 8 hours shift at Skal cafe that left me thinking that hospitality (especially busy bistros) might not be my thing after all. Too many orders, zero training, too much stress and no lunch break. I was bugged. Since my first interview with Kelly, I had two trial shifts of 3 hours and this shift. I still don’t have a definite answer if I have the job. I am starting to think that building doors in a factory is the way of less resistance.  JULY 27 I might have a job on the horizon but it’s only 2 days weekly which will not give me enough to cover my basic needs. And I want the luxury to have the insurance if I ever go to the ocean on a board again. I keep looking.

JULY 28

I wrote my artist statement. It is taking shape. When does this end and I can finally eat like a normal person and sleep without having nightmares of how much money I already owe. JULY 29

Brankos B-day bonanza. Fun. Patrick told me that they hired someone for the factory job who had a forklift license. That’s out of the window too then.

...........

August is a bit of everything. I keep being broke, I need to move out by 16th (somewhere), I had to turn down offers from friends to rent out cool places because I have no idea if I can pay the rent. But I also started this job this week and some of it is just too good - I feel like a person again and I am doing what I love to do. I also have an occasional cleaning gig. It least Donna talks to me like I am a person and not just a cleaner. The highlight of this week was meeting that local who was sending me to go pack carrots at night at Cole’s and telling her how much I love working for one of the coolest family businesses in Noosa while she snorted that she has to go to a staff meeting at a bar.

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

4 Secrets Moving Across the Country Taught Me About Thriving with Celiac Disease

New blog post! For many people, the New Year is equivalent to change. A new date to write on their papers. Some new goals and dreams for the blank slate that is 365 new days. For this college celiac, though, the "newness" of 2017 began a few weeks early when I flew into Colorado.

Let's just say that as soon as I stepped into the terminal and saw my breath, I knew I wasn't in California anymore. 

While I've definitely loved getting to see my family and being "home" (though it's a different one for me), adjusting to Colorado hasn't been without its challenges. And as I was freezing at the local zoo a few nights ago, I realized: I could say the same about celiac disease. 

In fact, the more I thought about it, the harder it hit me: moving across the country actually taught me four secrets that make thriving with celiac disease - or any chronic illness - more possible than ever in 2017.

1. Prepare for success or prepare to despair.

Okay, this tip may sound a little corny and dramatic at first glance. However, when preparation can make the difference between happiness and pain - even life or death - I think a little exaggeration is warranted. 

The truth is, when I landed in Denver airport, I wasn't prepared for the -10 degree weather. All I had were San Diego clothes that I layered as much as possible...so, when I stood outside for five minutes waiting for my shuttle, it's no surprise that my glove-less fingers started to go numb and I started crying from pain. 

The most pathetic of all selfies...

Living with celiac disease is similar in a lot of ways. If you don't eat beforehand or bring your own food, the pizza party with friends will probably feel more torturous than fun. If you don't have a list of easy recipes or frozen meals for when time gets rough, you may end up crossing your fingers and eating out at a less-than-celiac-safe restaurant instead. 

It's now been over three years since my celiac diagnosis, and I've come embrace the fact that while I'm low-maintenance in many ways, food isn't one of them. I always have a bar in my purse, food prep whenever possible and call restaurants ahead of time to ask about their gluten free protocol. 

I can survive weather in the negatives with the right amount of coats, gloves and layers. In the same spirit, I  - and anyone - can thrive with celiac disease as long as we've curved our c's and dotted our i's. 2. Keep trying new things. Maybe you're a preparation ninja. Your purse mimics Mary Poppins' (if she had celiac disease or an addiction to gluten free snacks and meds, anyway) and you never forget to read your ingredient labels. Even after you find a routine that works for you, though, you should keep experimenting. 

A few days after I got home, I felt like I was doing purty dang well at building up a winter wardrobe. Long underwear? Check. Thick fuzzy socks? Check. Scarf, hat, gloves and so many layers, I lose count? Check, check and check. Yet, when we went to see the Christmas lights at our local zoo one night, I felt like I was naked. The bitter cold seeped right through my four layers - and it freakin' hurt! 

The lesson I learned? Well, first of all, always put on one more layer than you think you need. But more importantly, keep looking for new ways to improve your life - like fleece leggings and a winter shirt specially designed for insulation. 

My face almost froze like that (bonus points if you realized it was an animal eye)

In the past years, I've similarly kept tweaking my gluten free diet to see what works for me. Yes to probiotics, no to tomatoes. Yes to small amounts of sweet potatoes but definitely no to butternut squash. I'm extremely fortunate to get to partner with companies and try new products that way. However, experimenting as a celiac can also be as simple as buying the new GF cereal that's on sale one week or trying a restaurant with raving reviews on the Find Me Gluten Free app.  

Celiac disease, by nature, is restrictive. It limits what we can eat, what products we can use and, many times, how we choose to socialize or live our lives. Through experimentation, you can take back a little of your control - and possibly make your life even more awesome than before. 

3. Accept - even embrace - moments of discomfort.

Sometimes, though, discomfort is unavoidable. Even once I get some crazy warm clothing, there will still be days I'm cold. That's just a fact created by my cold-blooded nature (my sister inherited my dad's natural furnace abilities) and Colorado's cold weather. But that's not going to stop me from enjoying myself and the beautiful Colorado scenery. 

Because, honestly, the discomfort is minimal when compared to the joy I get from exploring the outdoors. I get to see huge groups of deer chillin' in a yard across our street. I can revisit the nearby river I loved to walk to this past summer and see the icy designs winter has drawn on the water. My cheeks become frozen in a smile - only partly because of the brittle wind. 

A bit chillier of backgrounds!

The longer I've been diagnosed, the easier it is to apply the same mindset to celiac disease. Sometimes, I'm going to attend parties and feel left out, even though I've brought my own food to enjoy. Sometimes I'll even choose to avoid social events (like I did with Thanksgiving) because I don't want to deal with the food offers, my polite rejections and the resulting questions. And sometimes my stomach will freak out for absolutely no reason, and I'll hate that celiac disease keeps me from eating anything like a "normal" 20-something. 

But these bittersweet moment are becoming fewer and farther in between. I've surrounded myself with people who care about me and not about my dietary differences. I've educated my friends so they know what to expect, from my food to my finicky stomach. I've learned that celiac disease, for better or for worse, is part of my identity...and that needing to eat gluten free doesn't make me any less of a bad ass. 

4. Know that practice makes progress - not perfect.

You've heard the cliche before, whether about your fifth grade math worksheet or challenges at your new job: Practice makes perfect. I'm sorry to ruin your fairytale ending, but I've discovered that advice isn't entirely accurate. My parents have lived in Colorado Springs since July, and they're still discovering plenty of challenges about living in a snowy environment. Like: ice may not melt for weeks, so you need shoes that won't slide. Like: stock up on food before a snow storm because you may not leave the house for a few days. 

Our family photo this year

Even after years of practice, I'm 100% not the "perfect" celiac. I recently discovered the probiotic I used for months contains gluten; since it was gluten free the first time I bought it, I never bothered to check the ingredient list again. The truth is, I'm human. I make mistakes - and while mistakes should be avoided as much as possible when it comes to eating gluten free, I also won't beat myself up for it. 

Because with every misstep comes a lesson. I nearly froze at the zoo; I need to buy clothes specifically designed for winter. I glutened myself with a product I "trusted"; I need to not take GF for granted and always scan the ingredient list. My goal isn't to be perfect - as a celiac or a snow survivalist. Instead, it's to be and do better than before. 

This New Year, you may have a lot of worthwhile goals you want to check off your list. Maybe it's losing or gaining weight, or maybe you want to spend more time with family and less on your phone. Whatever you're striving for in 2017, just remember: the secrets to thriving in life often emerge from (even seemingly unrelated) challenges. 

Walking in a winter wonderland...

Or, in my case, the secrets to thriving with celiac disease may emerge from some very cold, Colorado-livin' feet!

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