#yes i have problems with writing about happier people

[leavemeslowly]

The problem I have with writing about younger Eddie is that he is so difficult to imagine? I watched how Theo looked in Divergent but Four has this really agnsty vibe that I don’t think Eddie had when he was in his 20s.

I think Eddie was smug and entitled and a bit naughty but overall his vibes “weren’t fcked” to quote Chucky. Eddie smiled more and was happier even thought he resented his place in the society and his relationship with his father was complicated. At the time when my fanfic is set he is still a careless student, still having some idealistic ideas about falling in love. But he doesn’t have this burden on his shoulder.

It is so hard to write sometimes.

[pupyuj]

→ “little things.” || ahn yujin x reader fic.

— being away from weeks too long from your girlfriend has led you into thinking all the horrible things about yourself that you thought you had shut down long ago, but of course yujin wouldn't let that slide...

word count: 6.3k.

dynamic: soft dom!ahn yujin x sub!reader.

warnings: hurt/comfort (emphasis on hurt...), angst, reader suffers a depressive episode, praises, reassurance, cunnilingus, fingering.

requested?: yes!

a/n: 2/4 requested fics done! we're almost there! i hope the anon that requested this months ago is still lurking around to read this, and i hope they're in a better place now as they told me that this request came to be because of their struggles ;~; anon, please know that you are loved by a lot of people no matter what you may think of yourself ❤️‍🩹 i hope you all will love this fic as much as i loved writing it 💞 definitely hit a little close to home 😆

your girlfriend loved you more than it was humanly possible to love another person, but you were somehow convinced that she didn’t.

because how could she? she’s ahn yujin—a top-class idol, a beloved entertainer widely known throughout the country and even the damn world! she’s the leader of one of south korea’s best girl groups in history, she’s so famous that her face is plastered all over billboards, ads, articles, posters, screens… ahn yujin was a real treasure. and you? a mere secretary in a moderately famous game company. it was the real workings of fate that made you and yujin meet right outside of your company building where you were crying at the bottom of the stairs that led to the entrance doors after receiving yet another senseless sermon from your boss. yujin just so happened to be walking her precious dog in the area and was kind enough to waste her time comforting a stranger.

though at the time, you hadn’t known it was yujin due to her being disguised as a random passerby. that was until she took off her hat, face mask, and colored hair extensions that you finally realized where you’d seen those cute dimples before—the tv screens. you didn’t make a big fuss out of being face to face with a literal golden celebrity, and yujin appreciated that a lot. so much so that she opted to stay with you on the concrete until she was able to lift your spirits. of course the two of you said your goodbyes, but both of you knew in your hearts that you would meet again someday.

and that proved to be true merely three weeks later; when all six members of ive, as well as their staff members, graced the conference room in a meeting for a collaboration with one of your company’s most popular games. you and yujin stared at each other with soft smiles and loudly-beating hearts—it was the start of a warm friendship, and an even warmer relationship when yujin finally got the guts to ask you out on a date after having been friends and colleagues for a year.

now, in your sixth year as a couple, you should be happier than ever. you’ve created the most euphoric of memories with yujin, shared the loveliest of promise rings, kissed the best of kisses, and you’ve even sworn to each other that when things calm down on yujin’s end then the two of you would settle in together, live in the same house, and eventually, if fate allows it so, get married. it all had been exciting, of course. you knew that yujin was the love of your life and that you would be the luckiest girl in the world to be her wife, but there has always been this tiny little voice in your mucked-up brain that is always telling you things you didn’t want to be true… and yet they might be.

that you might not be enough for yujin.

that you’re nothing but a problem to yujin.

that somebody else was better for yujin.

that you are not at all loved by yujin.

for a while, you blocked this voice out because not only did yujin make sure that you know that she loves you, she made you feel it. whether it was from her kisses, her touch, her thoughtful gifts, the meals she cooked for you, the late night drives she always takes you on every other friday, and even from the way she simply looked at you; you could feel every single drop of the love she held for you, and there was a lot. however, you hadn’t been able to shake the voice off for a while now and it didn’t help that you and yujin hadn’t seen each other for quite some time due to both of you being abnormally busy.

you always hated doubting yujin, but it wasn’t your fault. between the weeks you’ve been apart, the less-than-thirty-minutes calls on yujin’s breaks, and every text where yujin tells you that she can’t spend the night with you, it was easy to believe that she might be pulling away. something you hated even more than doubting your girlfriend is asking yourself the ‘what if?��� questions: “what if i’m bothering her?”, “what if i’m distracting her?”, “what if she’s come to hate me?”, “what if she met someone else?”, and the worst of it all, “what if she’s falling out of love?”

ridiculous and stupid to think about, let alone even entertain the thought. but that damn voice…

that damn voice has led you to barely eating breakfast before you left for work today. it led you to perform your tasks poorly at work, but you were lucky that your new boss (the old one, the asshole, was fired a few years ago for verbally abusing his employees)  was understanding and kind and let it all slide. it led you to skipping lunch completely, making you work for nine hours straight with barely any breaks. it led you to collapsing on your bed after you’d gotten home, sobbing pathetically into your pillow when you realized that yujin hasn’t sent you a single text today at all.

shit, what if the voice was right?

you fell asleep in your bed crying that night, in your work clothes and all. you had a dreamless sleep, but it wasn’t the kind of dreamless that was comforting or funny in a way you could make fun of it for being nothing. it was the kind that weighed heavily in your heart when you woke up and didn’t see your girlfriend snoring right beside you. and not even in your dreams did you get a chance to see her. how cruel.

you could barely get yourself to stand up and make a small breakfast—you knew yujin wouldn’t like it if she caught you skipping your meals. and right after that, you dragged your feet in the bathroom and had the saddest shower of your life. at least you didn’t have to cry all that much in there. it was pure silence from your end, with only the sound of the water running and the faint noises of the television in your room accompanying you while you washed yourself. you couldn’t remember the last time you had taken a shower with your girlfriend, it was always one of your favorite things to do with her but only because you liked the way she would insist on washing your hair and how she would smile so brightly when you agreed.

ah, great. now you miss her even more.

you couldn’t bring yourself to do much after that shower. you bundled yourself up with blankets and stared blankly at the television, waiting until another day without yujin passes. much to your annoyance, time was moving a lot slower than usual. as if the universe wanted to shove it in your face that you’re spending all this time alone. you think your phone buzzed a few times, but you didn’t even have the energy to turn your head and look at it. instead, your mind wanders to the possibility that it was anyone but yujin that was trying to contact you, and that just made your heart waver.

you let yourself wallow in your own sadness in the darkness of your room, crying softly and quietly. maybe if you disappear underneath all of your pillows and blankets then yujin will finally forget about you. would she say “good riddance”? you hated that thought, but you wouldn’t blame yujin if that was how she felt. soon enough, you’ve completely lost your sense of time. your eyes hurt from crying, your head throbbed with so much pain that you wanted to get medicine just to get it to shut up but you couldn’t be bothered to move an inch from where you were, and your entire body aches from having been in the same position for hours.

you begged the earth to swallow you whole, but not before erasing the memory of your existence from everyone’s minds completely just to spare yujin the pain of losing someone she loves. loved.

it was getting hard to keep your eyes open, especially when all you’ve been doing was cry your heart out. despite everything, you were afraid of what your fragile mind would do once you wake up without yujin by your side again. she never even liked it when you got something as small as a papercut. you can’t imagine how she would react if…

god, what were you thinking? how did you get here? is this really going to be your life whenever yujin wasn’t around to help you keep your demons at bay? you are stronger than this. you know that better than anyone. better than what they all give you credit for. get up. you repeated those two words like a prayer in your head until your body cooperated with you—sitting up and leaning your back against the headboard. good job. you took that untouched glass of water from the night table and took one big sip. that’s even better. small steps for others, but very big for you. it was enough for you to decide to not allow your mind to wander and focus on something. you wouldn’t feel any better (it was never that quick), but at least you wouldn’t be thinking about such horrible things.

and when you started getting lost in the cooking show that was playing on the television, it was impossible for you to hear the door to your dingy apartment creak open.

ahn yujin was home. finally. she could drop to her knees and cry right at your adorable ‘welcome’ mat by the door. your scent was all over your apartment and it was enough to immediately relieve the young celebrity of all of her worries and stress. she had been hoping to find you scuttling about in your kitchen since you loved reading your cookbooks there and checking if you had the correct ingredients for a dish or dessert you want to whip up impulsively, and as soon as yujin spotted you, she would’ve jumped into your arms and kiss you until you were sick of her lips on your skin. she missed you so much and all she wanted to do was be with you and celebrate the collection of good news that she has for you… but even before seeing pretty much all the lights in your apartment turned off, yujin knew something was horribly wrong.

yujin had been busy the whole day. from filming for variety shows, brand photoshoots, and magazine interviews, she didn’t have much time to do anything else. she had all the energy for it though but not because she just so happened to love her job, but she also knew that after all of it was over, she could finally go home to the love of all her lives and do everything she has been wanting to do with her without interruptions. as soon as she changed out of her work clothes and got her makeup off, yujin texted you. she told you she missed you, asked you to get ready ahead of time because she was going to pick you up and take you out on a short drive around the city before sitting down for a romantic dinner with a breathtaking view of the sunset in her friend’s fancy restaurant.

but you never replied to her messages. you didn’t even see them. that was the first sign and truthfully, it was all yujin needed to know. yujin knew you wouldn’t be doing much today so surely you would have at least tried to look at her messages even if you were occupied with something. rather than getting pouty about it, yujin was instead really worried. what if you were angry with her because she hasn’t been with you for so long? she couldn’t imagine someone so mature like you would get mad at something she can’t control and you have been apart from each other like this before and there weren’t any problems then! but… maybe that was just what you made it look like so yujin wouldn’t have to lose her head thinking about your well-being.

which would be insane, by the way. yujin believes that she isn’t the smartest person alive, but she should know when the woman closest to her heart is having a hard time. she should… and somehow she managed to not. yujin stands frozen in the cold kitchen, realizing that all this time, you were probably just putting up a strong front for her. and every day she was gone, you were dealing with things she should’ve been helping you with instead of just leaving it all for until she comes back home to you. fuck.

panic rises in yujin when she doesn’t see the lights turned on in the vacant bedroom either. if you weren’t trying to cook or waiting for yujin in the living room while getting some reading done, you would be in that bedroom working. so now yujin knows that you were holed up in your bedroom, and that alone was enough to send her running all the way to the other side of your small apartment, ready to burst through your door… until she gets a hold of herself. she prayed to the gods that you were okay, and that you were unharmed. she could hear the faint, muffled sounds of your favorite cooking show inside but you weren’t laughing.

an eerily silent (y/n) was never a good sign. slowly, yujin turned the knob and opened the door. she finds her heart breaking in two when she sees you curled up in your bed. you were barely even watching the show. between the half empty glass of water in the night table, your dirty work clothes in disarray on the carpeted floor, your adorable and fluffy panda indoor slippers haphazardly shoved underneath your bed, and the fucking pitiful state that you were in, it didn’t take yujin a split second to even know that it was definitely one of those days for you… but so much worse than what she was used to seeing.

“(y/n), honey…?”

yujin doesn’t wait for a response. she sits on the small empty spot beside you as you weakly and slowly turn around to face her. you looked exhausted. your eyes were red, puffy, and half-lidded which yujin assumes were from crying. she hated that she hadn’t been with you throughout all of this, as in at all. when she was gone, she could barely message and call you and even when she got home, she would still be occupied with something work-related or she would be too exhausted to do anything else. she needed to make it up to you. she has to. starting now.

“i’m home,” yujin brushes your hair away from your face. she leans down and gives you a kiss on the forehead, and she stays still for a few seconds to truly savor the moment of being back in your presence after such a long time. she felt safe, she was at peace. away from the cameras, the lights, and the fake smiles. now she has to return the favor. “i’m sorry i took so long…” yujin lays in bed with you, taking your figure into her arms and allowing you to melt into her after weeks too long. yujin fully expected you to cry and break down, and she truly would have just let you while pouring all of her love to you… but you were damn near silent.

there was no way you were angry. if you were, you wouldn’t even hug yujin nor would you let her come near you at all. you nestled your face comfortably on her chest, holding her like you don’t even want her to think of going anywhere else. not even a few minutes since yujin joined you and the two of you were already a mess of tangled limbs in your bed due to how close you held onto her—it was enough proof of just how much you missed her. if it hadn’t been for the fact that the television was on, yujin wouldn’t have been able to see the deep solemn look in your eyes as you looked up at her. the silence weighed heavily in the air; both of you had things to say to each other but there was so much that neither of you knew where to start.

however, now that she was in your arms, you had no problem just going back to hiding your face in the crook of her neck and just appreciating how you didn’t have to go even longer without her. yujin didn’t dare to complain, of course. whatever you thought you needed, she would happily give you and if silently cuddling was just that, then so be it. you stayed like that for a whole half hour, only occasionally raising your head to look at yujin as if not looking at her for too long would make her disappear suddenly. but no, yujin has been away from you for too long that at this point she doesn’t even want to leave your side ever again.

“i thought you’d forget about me.”

you spoke so suddenly and that yujin thought she must’ve imagined it. she feels you clutch her shirt tightly, and what she doesn’t know is that you were fighting back your tears. you wanted to celebrate having your girlfriend back, of course, but your sadness managed to beat your delight for once. this time, you couldn’t stop your fears from showing and as much as you didn’t want yujin to lose her head comforting you, you also just needed her to tell you that it was all going to be okay.

meanwhile, yujin couldn’t believe what she was hearing. she hoped that you wouldn’t take her silence the wrong way; she was only processing your question in her head to make sure that did hear it correctly. forget you?

“that’s impossible. why would i?” she was quite offended by the question, actually. but that was something she’ll make fun of another day.

“i thought that perhaps being around other successful, accomplished people could wake you up and make you see that… that i’m worthless compared to all of them,” you refused to meet yujin’s eyes as you spoke. you knew you would just break into tears and nothing would be solved. “that’s what everybody used to say… remember? during the first few months after our relationship got leaked to the public. a ‘normie’ dating ahn yujin… i was afraid you’d start to think that way too after being gone for so long.” 

that indeed was quite the dark time. yujin fought tooth and nail to tell everyone that you were worthy of her and if anything, she was the lucky one in this relationship because you’re so perfect in her eyes. she got scolded by her management for being unprofessional when she got worked up on live television about it all but it was worth it making those rude entertainers shut up and avoid her gaze for the rest of filming. not one person dared to speak ill about you around yujin ever again after that, not even in online articles and gossip sites! especially after they saw how inexplicably happy she was to be with you. 

yujin thought you could see that, too. she smiled the biggest when she was with you, laughed the loudest, and shined the brightest too. so hearing you say all of this… well, to say that yujin was in disbelief would be an understatement.

“(y/n)... you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. what more could i ask for than meeting and falling in love with the most amazing girl in the world?” yujin hoped that this would be enough to ease your worries enough that you could finally look her in the eye, but instead you let go of her and rolled to your other side—away from her. any other day those words would’ve been enough to make you smile and tease yujin for being such a cornball despite the seriousness of the situation… but today, you cried instead. 

yujin, however, doesn’t miss a beat. she wraps her arms around your waist and kisses your shoulder, “i love you. no matter what you think—i love you.” she spoke every word with conviction. her tone strong enough for you to not only accept her words but absorb it in every fiber of your being. yujin holds you tightly as you cried in her arms, whispering words of affirmation here and there while also peppering your shoulders, neck, and ear with her soft kisses. she wouldn’t even care if this was what the two of you did for the rest of the day, just as long as she gets to see you smile and be yourself again. 

for yujin, that was when you were the most beautiful—being happy and unapologetically you.

neither of you bothered to keep track of how long you were in that position, but you did eventually stop crying. the television kept on playing its shows, the sun had started to set outside your closed blinds, and yujin was finally starting to feel all the work she’d done in the day catch up to her body. she had assumed that you’ve fallen asleep with how quiet and still you’ve gotten… but then you finally faced her again. this time, you were staring right in her eyes. and as if this was the first time you’ve done it, yujin’s heart skips a beat.

“i missed you so much… i couldn’t spend another day without you.” you told her in a weak, raspy voice.

yujin smiles, “me too. i’m so happy i get to be here, finally...” she tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. she takes her time to get familiar with your features once again, all while unknowingly leaning closer and closer to you. you close your eyes, waiting for what you have been needing for the longest time, until yujin gets a hold of her senses and finally puts her lips on yours. it might have been the softest kiss you’ve shared with her as yujin was careful with the way her lips moved against yours. but even a kiss as heavenly as this was enough to fill your heart with flowers… so when yujin slowly makes her way on top of you whilst her kisses get hungrier, your stomach was a storm of butterflies.

you started to unbutton her loose casual dress shirt, an act that mildly upset you since yujin looked so handsome in it… but she looked better with it off, and you needed to feel her skin on yours. once you’ve dropped the shirt on the floor beside your bed, your hands glide down yujin’s back with your heart beating erratically at the feeling of her muscles beneath your fingertips. yujin slots a knee in between your legs and thank goodness for that actually—the buzz in your core was not going to go away by itself, after all.

yujin’s lips were now on your neck, eager to leave a mark on every inch of your skin tht was visible while pressing her knee against your clothed pussy. you moaned, your pretty voice making yujin’s ears tingle and raising her excitement enough to slide a hand inside your shirt and cup your bare boob. you started to slowly grind against her knee, sighing blissfully at the feeling. you weren’t a big fan of… playing with yourself to satisfy your needs if yujin just so happened to be gone. her hands always knew you so much better than you did yourself. because not only did she know your heart, but she knew your body too. knew exactly which spots to hit, which part of your skin to suck on to get the most noises out of you, and how you like it all best. 

when you moan again after yujin brushes a finger across your hardened nipple, she raises her head with fear in her irises. “t-this… probably isn’t the right time for this, isn’t it? god… i’m sorry, baby, i-i went overboard… i just wanted to kiss you but… i couldn’t resist touching you too…” yujin says with those adorable puppy eyes. always have to be such a gentlewoman, this one. it was one of your main reasons for falling in love with her as that aspect of her made her so much more charming in your eyes.

as soon as you feel her moving her hand away, you stop her. “this is the perfect time, hon. i missed you… and right now, all i want is your hands on me.” you trap her knee in between your legs and press harder against it, showing yujin just how much you wanted her to touch you.

yujin was still uncertain about it all, however. “a-are you sure? we don’t have to if you’re not feeling we—”

“yujin,” you said sternly. you took her face in your hands and kissed her nose, finally smiling at her. yujin feels her heart making a mess inside her ribcage. “believe me. i’m sure.” after six whole years of dating, you still manage to make it feel like she was falling in love at first sight all over again. you’ve both grown as people since your little meet-cute, of course, but to yujin, you will always be that beautiful girl on the steps of that dingy building with the prettiest pair of eyes yujin has ever seen. and so with your confirmation, yujin was no longer hesitant to grab the hem of your shirt and pull it over your head.

she was touching you in a way that reminded you of your first intimate night together all those years ago. nervous touches, and even more nervous kisses. even the way yujin was adamant to take things as slowly and steadily as possible was the same. you didn’t complain, though. as much as you wanted your girlfriend to get it going already, you also wanted to savor this moment and make the night last. judging by how yujin hasn’t told you any devastating news about her schedule staying busy yet, you figured that the two of you now have all the time in the world to be together… so hell, why not take your time?

yujin places her hands on your hips as she sits up, opting to stare at you and ogle at your perfect body for seconds too long. she was just as desperate to feel you as you were desperate for her to show you how much she missed you, but her disciplined hands kept her from doing anything too rash. it was adorable—how glaringly obvious it was that yujin just wanted to rip your clothes off and take you however she wants to, but being the sweetheart she is, she acts according to your wants and needs. she then went on to unbutton and unzip your jean shorts, but she doesn’t pull it off of you. she slides her hand underneath the waistband of your panties and moans at the feeling of your bare cunt on her fingers.

“mmhn… i missed touching you… you have no idea how many times i wanted to walk out of a set to go home to you, and listen to something so much more pleasant than a director telling me how to do my job,” yujin parts your lips with two of her fingers and uses a third to slowly feel up your slit. you were drenched already. obviously you’ve wanted this for such a long time that no one can blame you for getting wet so easily. “do you know what that is, darling?” yujin asks. she lowers herself to your chest and gives your nipple a scrutinizingly slow lick before catching it in her warm mouth.

you were too focused on the feeling to answer her question. your hand digs through yujin’s hair, gripping it and pushing her head closer while simultaneously grinding your hips faster on her hand. yujin dips two fingers inside of your pussy but stops there, opening her eyes and letting go of your nipple, “your voice. let me hear you.” she finally shoves both fingers inside your cunt, relishing in the way you arched your back and allowed your beautiful voice to invade her ears.

you were tight around her fingers, as always. it was just how yujin liked it. something about how her fingers can’t always move in and out smoothly because your walls loved to just suck her in always made her embarrassingly wet. her next favorite thing was watching you as she fucked you; your pretty face making all sorts of expressions at every thrust and every brush of her thumb against your clit just scratched the right parts in yujin’s brain. she can’t help but want more, and more she will certainly take. yujin feels horrible about not being there enough for you during such a hard time… she should’ve figured that leaving you alone with barely anything to distract you would’ve hurt you the way it did.

“i should’ve called more… i should’ve ignored all the risks of my manager nagging at me and visited you, even just for a short while…” yujin peppers your chest with kisses as her pace increases. you couldn’t even be bothered to say anything to her—not when you were overwhelmed with how good she filled you up with only two fingers. every time her palm slammed against your wrist with how hard she was fucking you now, all the embarrassing whines and moans you tried holding back were free to be heard… but it turns out that yujin loved it all so much so there was nothing to be shy about at all.

so you stopped being self-conscious about it all, allowing all of the sinful noises to come out of your mouth just as yujin liked it. while you were busy getting lost in the pleasure, yujin had lowered herself enough to be kissing your stomach. pure desire radiated from her dark eyes, and you didn’t even notice that she had pulled off both your shorts and panties from your body until you could feel her hot breath fanning against your pussy. she pulls her fingers out, but quickly replaces the void inside you with her tongue. she knew that you were the weakest when she used her mouth on you so she was quick to intertwine your fingers to keep you grounded and focused on all of the feelings she was giving you without being too overwhelmed by it all.

“ahh.. mmn… you must’ve missed this too, huh, baby?” yujin opens her eyes and looks up at you with a grin. you were already making quite the mess on her face, but really, that wasn’t entirely your fault. yujin liked it messy, and if she could, she would make you cum to the point of showering herself in your juices but she wanted to take it easy tonight. for you, of course. between you covering your face with your arm, your chest heaving up and down from you taking deep breaths, and your grip on yujin’s hand getting tighter by the second, it was all enough for yujin to keep doing what she does best.

she ate you out like it was her first and last time, too. humming and moaning in approval while she was either deep inside your walls with her tongue or as she sucked on your sensitive clit. the latter action made your legs shake and grab yujin’s hair, not caring about her seeing all the faces you were going to make the longer she went about using her tongue on the hard bud. she put one hand on your inner thigh and pushed it back, opening your legs up even more for an easier time and actually ending up digging her nails on your skin with how hard you were gripping her scalp. she liked the pain and you were going crazy over the pleasure she gave you; it was a win-win!

every time you whined her name, it only adds to yujin’s ever-growing need to give you the best orgasm you’ve had in a while. or even ever. “god… you’re so fucking pretty. i must’ve… heh.. saved the fucking planet in another life or something… or else it doesn’t make sense how i just so happened to meet a goddess in this lifetime…” yujin smiles at you as she says this, giggling at how you blushed wildly and looked away. yujin believed in her heart that you were the most beautiful girl she would ever meet in her life—you just happened to be too humble to accept the alleged ‘facts’ that your lovely girlfriend believed.

deciding that you probably can’t take anymore teasing, yujin presses her thumb on your clit and pushes her tongue back inside you. she proceeds on rubbing your clit harshly, wincing slightly as you were starting to hurt her with your nails on her scalp. the noises that you released gave yujin nothing short of ecstasy, only encouraging her to be better, go deeper, until you finally, finally let go of yourself on her tongue. delicious. yujin keeps her lips on your pussy as you cum, slurping up your juices as best as she can, yet never having enough to actually get herself to stop.

it was a few minutes after you’ve come down from your high and yujin was giving your exhausted cunt the tiniest of licks that she heard something new. something she hadn’t heard before when the two of you got intimate like this. she missed a few others as the sound of her sucking up your wetness with so much hunger and desperation toppled over literally every other noise, but yujin was sure that she didn’t mistake that noise when she did finally hear it. a soft, tiny sob… coming from you.

you’ve been crying, and yujin had been unaware. “oh, no… i’m so sorry, honey. i-i didn’t think—did i hurt you?” yujin immediately takes you in her arms, remembering that it was the place where you felt safest. she immediately regretted going overboard when she did. how could she forget that you weren’t in the right state of mind to entertain her gimmicks? fuck, she felt beyond heartbroken to be the cause of your tears right now when she was supposed to be the very person that made them go away.

“no… no, i’m okay,” you said in tears. once you looked at yujin whose cute face was all scrunched up with worry, you ended up laughing. yujin was so confused. “i promise. you didn’t hurt me, yujin-ah.” you squeezed her shoulder and giggled even more, making yujin laugh in return but in a more… nervous and uncertain way.

“w-wha… are you sure? why are you crying then?” yujin couldn’t help her smile and hug you, rocking you back and forth out of relief. how could yujin ever hurt you, anyway? you knew in your heart that she wasn’t capable of any of that, ever.

“i don’t know… but i’m alright, i swear.” you reached up and kissed her nose. giggles erupt from the two of you when yujin starts attacking your face with kisses—it was all part of her master plan to hear more of your laugh, of course. one of the biggest things she has been missing throughout the weeks she was away. 

eventually, the two of you merely laid still on your bed in each other’s arms once again, staring blankly at the television. you’ve started to feel sleepy too since you did spend a lot of the day crying, and now yujin was threading your soft locks after she fucked you so good that you ended up crying! no wonder you were drowsy. you found yourself laying on top of your girlfriend’s chest, fighting back sleep by blinking it all away and opting to stare at yujin’s face instead. every time she asked you a question (“do you need water?”, “are you cold?”, “should we take a shower together?”) you replied with a lazy hum and weak shake of your head, neither accepting or denying whatever she offered you.

“you look tired, hon… you can take a nap. when you wake up, i’ll either have cooked you dinner or… um, i’ll have ordered our favorite take-out! how do you feel about japanese food tonight?” yujin asks. you hum again, but refuse to fully close your eyes. you opened them every few seconds, seemingly checking if yujin was still there every time you did. of course, yujin notices your intent and pinches your cheek. “i’ll be right here when you wake up. don’t worry.” yujin plants a sweet kiss on your forehead.

“mm… promise?” you pouted. gosh, you were far too cute for yujin’s weak heart.

“of course. we won’t have to worry about running out of time for a while.” yujin pulls a soft, thick blanket over your body and smiles as you immediately start drifting off. she kisses your forehead again, feeling a sudden surge of pure love washing over her as the feeling of having you sleep in her arms again was… home. yujin’s smile widened when she remembered just what she intended to surprise you with if you had seen her message and went with her to that romantic dinner with the sunset.

it was a surprise that she would have to wait another day to unveil—a surprise that came in the form of a breathtaking diamond ring that would’ve completed the beautiful picture that is your love story.

[narcjsistx]

Takemichis younger sister dating one of his friends🤭🤭🤭

I had excessive fun writing these hcs, I swear

𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

— Takemichi's sister dating one of his friends HCS ᡣ𐭩

If Takemichi had any say in the matter, he would definitely have preferences on who you can have a relationship with. As much as he loves Mikey, NO, he wouldn't let you get engaged to him because he knows that yes, he would protect you, but he's a pretty chaotic guy

His list would be more or less like this: he would be comfortable with Draken, Mitsuya, Inui, Akkun, Takuya and more or less with Chifuyu too. His peace of mind would disappear if you got engaged with Mikey, Baji, Kazutora and Makoto

If you got dating one of the guys from the Mizo group, so Akkun, Takuya, Yamagishi and Makoto, let's say that he would have more freedom in speaking because he is basically the leader of the group. He would try to keep you as far away from Makoto as possible because yes, he absolutely loves him, but he is literally a pervert for only being 15 years old. With Akkun and Takuya he would be very calm, they are both good guys. With Yamagishi... meh, let's say a 50/50: he wouldn't have any problems but overall he wouldn't be 100% calm

Speaking of Toman... let's say that in terms of protection he would be comfortable with everyone, his friends are literally the members of the most feared gang in Kantou! but leaving you with some would definitely make him a little worried. You can literally FORGET about dating Kazutora, on his list he is the last person he would like to see you with. He would die seeing you with him

Let's assume, I don't know, you're dating Chifuyu. He's his best friend and he knows he would never do anything wrong with you, but on the one hand we're talking about Chifuyu... he's afraid he'll trade you for a shoujo manga. JOKES ASIDE, nah, he'd love to have Chifuyu as a new family member. I have this scenario in mind of you and Matsuno going out on a date and, by pure coincidence, the date becomes between your boyfriend and your brother. Yes, they would probably leave you behind while they talk to each other. This scenario is more or less doable with Draken, Inui and Mitsuya

Now let's talk about the blacklist: you engaged to Mikey, Kazutora, Baji and Makoto. Unfortunately he can't decide your feelings, so there's a good chance you'll fall in love and end up with one of these guys. If we're talking about Mikey and Baji, well most of him would put his soul at rest and simply give you advice on their tastes in different things. If, unfortunately for him, you ended up with Kazutora and Makoto, it would be the end of him. He would spend hours with Hina and Naoto checking on you when you went out with either guy

While I was writing the other hcs I thought: what if the reader ended up with Naoto? Takemichi probably be a bit happier than any other guy you could choose. Both Hanagaki with both Tachibana brothers... sounds like such a cute thing!. Then we know that Naoto is relatively a character who doesn't give up (this is demonstrated by his perseverance in trying to keep Hina alive when Takemichi failed in different timelines) so with him you would be safe and healthy practically always

Even if it's not in the request, I'd like to imagine the reader with other people too, like the Haitani brothers or Izana or even Kakucho. He'd be happy if you ended up with Kaku Chan, but for the brothers Haitani and Izana... yeah, he'd probably die of a heart attack if you introduced one of them to him as your new boyfriend

[rekino2114]

How did the whole "will you marry me" scenario go? I love how you write Makima.

Makima proposing to you

A/n:Thanks so much. At first I was worried people were not gonna like how I write for her so I'm really glad you do.

Marriage was a very interesting concept to makima. The fact that two humans could find their company so enjoyable to want to spend the rest of their existence with each other was very intriguing to her. of course, she herself never thought about falling in love, much less getting married, but when she met you, her views changed completely, she couldn't think of anything but spending the rest of her life with you after all you made her feel love for the first time in her life.

Of course money isn't a problem for her so she brought the best ring she could buy, one she knew you would like, she got the measurements of your finger while you slept so you wouldn't know what she was planning.

She thought long and hard about how to ask you the question,maybe she could do it on a big occasion or just a simple date, but in the end she decided to do it in a private and intimate way so that she could show you just how much she truly only loved you.

She gave you and herself a day off and used it to spoil you and do anything you wanted (as if she didn't do that already) she made you breakfast in bed, bathed with you, and finished the day with a movie marathon,you were worried you forgot your an important day or something but she reassured you she just wanted to do it.

As the last movie you chose finished makima got up from the couch and then on one knee in front of you, pulling out a small box with the most beautiful ring you've ever seen inside of it. Before you could even gasp, her soothing voice filled your ears.

"In the time we have been together, you have changed me completely. The first time my heart truly started beating was when I first saw you and it only beats for you now, you showed me what it truly means to be loved and to love and now I understand why people call it the most beautiful feeling in the world. You made me feel emotions for the first time in my life, and I will forever be grateful to you for that, I promise I will continue loving you for the rest of our shared existence. So will you marry me?"

In her long life as the control devil, makima had forced countless people to make contracts with her simply for her own benefit. However, this was one contract she could not force you to accept both because her powers didn't work on you as you were one of the very few people she considered her equal and even if she could she would never do it, she wanted you to love her by your own volition just as she wanted you to marry her of your own volition.

She had the biggest smile on her face when you said yes and immediately pulled you into a very passionate kiss. After that, she put the ring on your finger admiringhow it perfectly fit you. She felt so happy, maybe even happier than when you accepted her confession. her heart always beat fast whenever she was around you but now it beat even faster, she was so excited to spend the rest of your life with you, she couldn't imagine any other way her future could be.

[wonbriiize]

pairing; anton x reader

genre; fluff, friends to lovers

warning; a little bit of cursing

note; i thought i should try to write about another member in riize than just wonbin, so here is my first anton story !! hope u guys like it :)

bound to happen

in which you go ice skating with your friends but it’s your first time so you’re struggling and falling a lot. one of your friends (anton) can‘t see you hurting yourself because it pains him, so he rushes over to help you…

“hey, don‘t leave me here alone,” you scream over to your friends who left you as soon as you all stepped on the ice. “oh, you will be fine,” sungchan screams while starting to skate backwards. of course he is good at ice skating, he is good at everything.

you try to step forward with one foot but your legs are shaking too much and you almost fall. it’s making you angry that you can‘t balance yourself.

people say that ice skating is easy if you can rollerblade, but why is it not working for you then? you loved rollerblading when you were a child. hell, you’d even consider yourself somewhat talented in it. angrily, you start rushing forward because you think that might help you find balance. obviously, it doesn’t. you just end up falling on the ground.

“*y/n*! are you okay? let me help you!” anton skates over to you. he has been observing you the whole time but he thought he should let you try ice skating out by yourself at first instead of directly approaching you to help. but seeing you fall down, it made him feel like he just fell down himself. it hurt him.

“thank you,” anton helps you up and you shake off the snow from your clothes. “no thanks needed. if you want, i can teach you how to ice skate,” anton offers with a shy smile, scratching the back of his head.

he‘s so adorable when he does that, you think.

“i would love that,” you smile at him. “but if you would rather go and have fun you shouldn’t waste your time with me.”

“being with you is never a waste of time,” anton shyly says. you can tell that he’s embarrassed by saying this so you just smile and nod, ignoring all the butterflies he has given you just now.

anton skates in front of you, softly grabs both of your hands and starts pulling you forward. it’s actually working, you’re actually moving. well, anton is pulling you so you’re not actually doing a lot by yourself, but still, at least you’re not falling down.

“wohooo, anton, i see you stepping up your game,” seunghan is skating so fast, he flashes past the two of you followed by sohee who’s grinning like crazy. anton rolls his eyes, acting unbothered but you can see that his cheeks are becoming even more red than they actually are (because of the cold).

after a few minutes of letting yourself get pulled by anton, you stop him. ”okay, i think i‘m ready to try it on my own.” “really? are you sure?” anton looks deep into your eyes and you can tell that he’s actually concerned. it makes you feel warm inside. he cares about me, you think.

“yes, i will give it a try.”

anton softly squeezes your hands before he lets you go. “you got this.”

falling in front of anton would be the most embarrassing thing ever so you’re really trying your hardest.. and it’s actually going well. you lift up your feet, one by one and after a few more minutes, you are actually sliding smoothly over the ice.

“oh my god, i did it!” you couldn’t be happier.

anton catches up with you, also having the biggest smile on his face. “you’re doing so well.”

“i learned from the best,” you say, grabbing after anton’s hand. it shocks him at first because he didn’t expect it, but he‘s fine with it.

anton would never have a problem with holding your hand. it’s what he has always wanted to do. it’s what he keeps wanting to do in the future, too.

“well, you weren’t so bad to begin with, you just needed a little help,” anton gives you an encouraging smile while the two of you slide over the ice together.

your other friends are watching you two intensely, knowing that this was bound to happen sooner or later.

anton and you were bound to happen.

shotaro and wonbin approach you two with the biggest grin on their face.

“so i guess anton finally had the guts to tell you that he likes you,” shotaro wiggles his eyebrows.

wait, what? anton likes me? you are surprised. in the best way possible.

“now we don‘t have to listen to him talk about how he should confess to you every second of the day,” wonbin somewhat sounds thankful to you when he says that.

“anton, why is your face so red? it’s not that cold,” shotaro asks, looking confused.

you look at anton whose face is almost as red as a tomato. you didn’t think that it was possible for a human to turn this red.

“wait a minute,” wonbin‘s eyes widen. it looks like a lightbulb lit up above his head. “he hasn’t told you yet, has he?”

you try not to laugh, because you’re actually finding this whole situation hilarious, knowing that anton probably wants to sink into the ground at this very moment.

“i would have if you two wouldn’t have interrupted us,” anton glares at them. he actually sounds mad. it’s the first time you hear him talk like that because usually he’s very soft-spoken and doesn’t get angry easily.

“holy shit,” shotaro joins wonbin in widening his eyes too. they look at each other, back to anton and you, and then again at each other. “we should go,” wonbin suggests and shotaro nods hysterically. “sorry anton,” they say in unison and seconds later, the two are nowhere to be seen within your sight.

you turn to anton, not letting go of his hand. he lowered his head, avoiding your gaze. you don’t want him to feel awkward so you give him a little squeeze, just like he did to you before.

anton can’t look you in the eyes though, he is totally embarrassed. he had his whole confession planned out in his head after discussing it with shotaro and wonbin for hours.. days even. he keeps asking himself why they’d destroy the plan after helping him come up with it. he knows they had no bad intentions, but still, it annoyed him.

it was actually anton’s idea to go ice skating. he knew that you didn’t know how to do it so he thought that it’s the perfect opportunity to spend more time with you. he strictly told the others that they‘re not allowed to help you because he wants to be the one to do so. he had planned to confess to you at the end of the day but well.. what did eunseok once tell him? plans are meant to go wrong.

“i feel the same way,” you say.

anton raises his head up super fast, not believing what you just said.

“what?”

“well, if what shotaro said is true, then i want you to know that i like you too.”

now, anton is surprised. he had hoped that you’d feel the same way, but actually hearing you say it catches him offguard.

“it’s true,” anton says, smiling at you.

“well, then just ask me out on a date already,” you pout which makes anton laugh.

“*y/n*, would you go out on a date with me?”

to tease him, you let go of his hand and skate away. not fast because you’re still not feeling too safe on the ice, but compared to how you were skating a while ago, you were doing way better.

you turn around to see anton standing at the same spot, looking perplexed, not knowing what to do.

“you have to catch me to get an answer,” you stick out your tongue towards him and start skating even further away.

it doesn’t take anton long to catch up with you though. obviously. he is the better (and much faster) skater between the two of you.

anton pulls you into his arms, his chin resting on your head (since he‘s way taller than you).

“got you,” he whispers. “what’s your answer?” he distances himself a little from you so now he can look down to you.

you decide that after this little chase, he deserves to hear the answer.

“yes, i would love to go on a date with you.”

anton doesn’t let you go. instead, he wraps his arms around you even more and you let him. because you feel safe. because being this close to him makes you feel things you’ve never felt before.

and it also makes you forget that you’re in the middle of the ice rink right now, your knees feeling weak because of anton. you fear that if he lets you go, you will fall down.

“just promise me you won’t let go,” you look up to him, noticing that his face is even more handsome this close up.

antons smile only grows bigger once he sees you looking at him.

“i would never,” he says, pulling you even closer, if that’s possible.

[houseki-no-suffering]

Hey! I found a post of yours (specifically a phos analysis) from a looong while ago. Just curious to hear what your thoughts on the last chapters and the conclusion of the story are!

I recently finished the manga after putting it off for 4 years, and it was an incredible but such a bittersweet read. Maybe it's just me being a sucker for happy endings, but man, it really did not get happier </3

And you probably already know this, but did you know that Ichikawa released the last chapter the same day a comet flew by that looked exactly like the comet from the last chapter? Really cool stuff but I am emotionally destroyed haha

I suppose it was the only kind of happy ending HnK could have, and I don't think I mind it as much as other things that have happened in the last few chapters. It reads more HnK than anything that has happened in the past 1-2 years of serialization.

I appreciate the bittersweet notes (always have) and Ichikawa's words that this is how she wanted the story to end, it doesn't happen to every mangaka. Also, the comet bit is such a nice touch.

As for Phos (I suppose this is the post you meant?), I do believe that they got a happy ending.

If you think about it, instead of becoming a lunarian and being prayed away like the others, Phos' journey gave them the power and knowledge to rise above them. Thanks to their flaws (being brittle, having special inclusions, maybe being the most human of all the gems) they became human, the most flawed of creatures, and basically reverted to the purity of a child, a god, sin-less (even if this is a Buddhist story, so idk if I can actually speak of sin) and therefore free of everything that made humanity always dissatisfied, dangerous and unhappy. The others renounced existence, Phos found a way to reach paradise.

Humanity doesn't come out of this looking like a nice bunch of people to hang out with, and neither do the lunarians (gems included at this point). And yet, there's so much compassion in everything Phos does: a kind child, up until the very end.

I always speculated (and was not alone in this) that Phos' job would become to pray the lunarians/everyone away, find Cinnabar the job to kill them, become a Bodhisattva... in this, I believe, the story remained true to itself. What I believe no one saw coming was how shallow(?) it all seemed in the end.

Everyone came back, making Phos' sacrifices and suffering basically meaningless, everyone started getting along and solving centuries-old problems in seconds. Then, Ichikawa introduced so many new changes abruptly... It felt rushed, lazy and overly simple, when most of us loved HnK for its complexity and depth.

Maybe it was because Ichikawa wanted (or needed to) end the series with ch 108. Usually, when mangaka put a limit to the chapters they want to write, it really damages the story and I wasn't a fan of this even in this situation.

Aside from these issues, I appreciate how Ichikawa seemed to care about the character of Phos.

Maybe this all happened so that Phos could be happy, maybe this was the only possible way for Phos to be happy? It would be a little bit like in Devilman, where the world basically ends only so that Satan can understand love. Idk, little old Phos didn't seem that desperate a case, they just wanted truth, yes, this did cause some... issues, but other than that they're a sweetheart.

This is the leitmotif of the series, after all: Phos is a kind, selfless gem who cultivates a deep sense of self-hatred.

They internalize a pressure and a need to feel useful (coming from gem society) and turn them into a necessity for change (unlike in gem society). Initially, they want to find a job. Then, they want to help Cinnabar find a job, then they want to help Ventricosus, then then want to become a fighter, then they want to help sensei, then the gems, then the lunarians...

Contrary to most of the other gems, Phos loves and loves openly and unconditionally. They start off as a self-less creature who believes that their life isn't worth anything. Therefore, they put it on the line time and time again and, eventually, lose it time and time again as they change form.

It's their journey towards truth and happiness: they change and lose pieces of themselves, forget things, renounce gem-ness in favor of humanity and then humanity for god-hood.

Phos changes until they find the form that makes them happy. Their purest, happiest form. They change so much that they come back to square one almost: they become pure Phosphophyllite, with no inclusions at all. Still fragile, still small, but selfless and cheerful. Carefree.

In a sense, HnK ends with Phos becoming Phos.

[seruadoric]

clinginess .

incl . medpoc , x , pavia , zima , horropedia , 6 (six)

synopsis . how do they deal with clinginess, how compatible are they with a clingy s/o?

content . romance , headcanons , ooc (??) , gn!reader

MEDICINE POCKET is very clear about their boundaries; they do not take crossing them lightly. while you are their lover and significant other, they still make a line that you should not cross.

. though, a contrary belief is that medicine pocket would reciprocate your manner. i believe that either way, medicine pocket would find your behavior endearing.

. medicine pocket would often let you work alongside them - that is, if you don't mind. they would let you take notes for them, telling you to 'do as i say,' or 'write down what i say'.

;; OVERALL medicine pocket would be ( somewhat ) compatible with a clingy partner. just as long as you don't bother them as they're working, they would enjoy being in your presence and having you cling onto them.

X is rather indifferent to this. unlike medicine pocket, he does not necessarily have a sense of boundaries; he does not mind whether you cling onto him or not, he acts just the same.

. x is used to charming people with his personality and looks, so he did not seem to take notice of it at the start of your relationship. he found it amusing, and would oftentimes return your gestures.

. there is a chance of x taking advantage of this scenario to make you test his inventions for him ( of course, he makes sure they're safe to try first ) but otherwise, nothing serious.

;; OVERALL i find x to be a sort of 50/50 in this case. he could be considered more compatible, but there are some contradictions in my head. he is pretty questionable, really ...

PAVIA doesn't want anyone digging into his business. he doesn't want you asking him questions about his work knowing you wont get any answers, he would be happier with someone understanding of his boundaries and line of work.

. i have a headcanon that his wolves get clingy whenever they're hungry - so pavia is quite used to clinginess already. in general, he wouldn't mind if you were touchy with him. you could just lay your hands on his chest, sit on his lap randomly, and he wouldn't care all that much.

. the only problem that pavia has with this is the countless questions you ask him. about his past, about his work - he dislikes having someone pry into his personal life. other than that, he really just doesn't care.

;; OVERALL i don't exactly believe he's all that compatible with a clingy s/o. yes, he likes your touches and affection, but he does not need you smothering him! he needs to do his work as a mercenary, and prefers keeping you out of it.

ZIMA would have to take time to warm up to your clinginess at first. he appears awkward and gruff at first, but eventually would be willing to engage in it.

. he was but a lonely poet before he met you, with nothing but wild animals to keep him company - he considers himself lucky to have you in his life. about your clinginess, he does not mind it much.

. physical affection isn't something he's used to, and it's something that you introduce to him. he has no trouble in showering you with words of affirmation and small gifts, but he's quite iffy with other love languages.

;; OVERALL zima enjoys bathing in the warmth of his lover, a deep contrast to his life in the cold. i believe that zima is one of, if not the most, compatible with a clingy s/o.

HORROPEDIA is completely inexperienced, but that doesn't stop him from reciprocating your affection.

. he'd get caught off guard each time you touch him - he just doesn't strike me as the guy that's really used to physical touch. sure, eventually he wouldn't start to mind it much, but at the start of the relationship he's a bit sheepish with it.

. when he starts to get used to it, he likes to return your affections. he'll often have you by his side, but there are still times where he needs some time alone. if you can respect that, the relationship will be long-lasting.

;; OVERALL compatible! he enjoys your presence, and you enjoy his too. horropedia does not have any objections to your clinginess, and likes being showered with your affection.

SIX does not know how to deal with your clinginess. is he supposed to entertain you? he was more used to blending in with the background, he is unfamiliar with your touches and affection.

. six is curious by nature, and he starts to wonder why? he could understand it from a medical standpoint, and it's not like he would really mind your clinginess - perhaps you have some emotional wound that you would like him to heal?

. unless it bothers you, six wouldn't be as affectionate. he's been so closed-off and distant from his friends, learning how to love and be affectionate towards somebody again must be hard for him.

;; OVERALL makes a decent couple. while six takes a lot of time and space to get used to it, he likes your affectionate gestures, despite not returning them as much.

before you ask ' wheres diggers !? ' DONT. HES TOO UGLY I JHATE HIM !!!! ( /j i don't understand his character and am too lazy to write for him ) i will be posting another part of this !! the next part will be including the girlies next :33

likely going to be editing this soon ... this has got to be my worst work broa 😭

[wwaheoh]

maid x master are overrated booo tomato tomato /hj

i want more maid x maid wlw cuz i think they're cute :3

well since we talking about maid here can i request alexandrina x shy fem junior/trainee maid, for short rina teach y/n proper etiquette as they spend time together they start flirting or something like that (y/n working for months so they know each other a bit)

sorry man I can't write good prompt :(

anyways get enough sleep, sleep good you deserve it

"The One in Which You and a Ghost Lady Fall in Love” Alexandrina Sebastiane x gnReader

a/n: decided to do gender neutral rather than female, hope you don’t mind! but feel free to change the pronouns and such in your head!

a/n²: ironically pretty bad at writing a relationship that doesn't end in tragedy

As the newest addition of Victoria Housekeeping, you had to undergo various types of training- as expected. Ranging from household cleaning to taking down Ethereals in a fast and professional manner. Honestly you sorta expected it- even having been warned as you applied for the position about the additional forms of work Victoria Housekeeping did.

Though to be honest, it was pretty fun, being given training and permission to let go and duke it out with enemies whenever the need arose. The problem was the whole ‘interacting with clients’, it was really hard not to tremble or cringe while talking, feeling as though you were embarrassing Mister Lycaon and the rest of Victoria Housekeeping just by existing.

So, you had been given more training in customer relations, with your main teacher being Miss Sebastiane- though she preferred you call her Miss Rina. She was your senior, a woman with a serene gracefulness, kind and gentle- yet not afraid to put pressure on clients who got too handsy or Ethereals that entered the property they were hired to keep. She was so kind, strong, gentle, firm, a smile that made you at ease and inspired you to keep pushing away from the mental barrier of interacting with clients. Beautiful, with soft hair framing her mature face, eyes of ruby that kept you mesmerized…

Then those eyes blinked.

Today Miss Rina had been teaching you how to dance, a semi-often requested service. For when a client didn’t have a partner- either through choice or circumstance, they would call on Victoria Housekeeping to be their partner. It happened more often than one would think.

Yet as she lead you through the steps, you had become transfixed on the older lady, still mirroring her but losing yourself in her. Something she noticed as you lost your usual unsureness, steps becoming more loose rather than the high-strung nervousness you usually exhibited.

Truthfully she was very flattered, where people usually looked at her, it was with either lust or a passing by before turning to the other workers like Lycaon or Ellen. You looked at her with love, heart stolen by her. She had her eye on you for a bit, the cuteness of your bashfulness, how you aimed to do your best- much like Corin, yet fell flat at the more mental problems. You were cute yes, but also strong in your own way, a trait you shared with Corin as well. Always aiming to protect, eyes filled with warmth even when in stressful situations.

As the two of you finished your dance, she dipped you low, holding you steady, gaze looking deep back at you.

Words escaped you, “Would you grant me the honor of going to dinner with you?” You immediately slammed your palms to your mouth- leading you to fall and hit your bum on the ground. Internally you were panicking, doing everything you could to not look at Miss Rina, hoping you didn’t ruin the relationship between the two of you, having overstepped the bounds of the work-place.

Out of your view, she relaxed, sinking down and cupping your chin. Softly directing you to look at her, you followed, puddy in her hands. “Nothing would make me happier.” With her free hand she held you by the arm, pulling you up alongside her as she moved with the serenity of a flowing river. “Tonight at 8?” You nodded, not trusting your words to be able to convey what you wanted. There weren't any words possible to let her know what you felt.

The two of you danced once more, steps in sync.

[it-was-summer]

Video Killed the Radio Star - Tape #4 (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

A/N: Y'all this chapter took so long to write. This is NOT proofread once again me and Grammarly were beefing because she doesn't understand fanfiction. Nonetheless, it is 12 am MST and here it is. Now for an overall warning, this chapter talks about so much that I was to let everyone know that I meant for this to be a dark series. That was my goal. I'm so sorry if some of these topics seem like they're too heavy for you. If you feel overwhelmed, disgusted, or just find it hard to read please remember that it is okay and you are loved. This chapter mentions miscarriages, eating disorders, gunshot wounds, suicide, etc. I love you all and stay healthy. I will try to post my 500 followers post soon! Not proofread because eepy. YOU'LL read my chapter unedited and you'll like it! (hopefully). Thanks for reading. -Love you all, Em.

Video Killed the Radio Star Remake Masterlist

Link to the Ao3: Video Killed the Radio Star

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WARNING: miscarriage, eating disorder, catholic guilt, bisexuality mention??, period underwear, stalking, marital problem, divorce, sexual harassment, guns, knives, gunshot wound, This bitch shoots someone, suicide, mention of a skull, blood so much blood.

Tape Contents: We briefly dive into Heather's past. Adeline makes a call that gives the team a reason to visit the suburbs. Heather makes a decision. You see something other than pink for the first time in four days.

Word Count: 6,296

Seven to Four Years Prior- January 10, 20XX

Heather had to get out of Norfolk. She felt suffocated under her father’s watchful gaze and helicopter ways. He was a hard man to love and hard to be around in general. When he drank, she used to pray that he would forget about her, so she became quiet. She didn’t have many friends here anyway, so she took you out of the equation and knew no one else would know her name. 

So, with a heavy heart, she moved her life away to Richmond. She changed her major to nursing and killed that quiet girl from Norfolk. She fabricated real lies that sometimes she couldn’t separate from reality. She stared at girls silently with longing and played it off as admiration if she was ever caught. Catholic guilt stopped it from growing into anything else. 

She was slow to open up about her feelings and showed people an extroverted sorority girl nursing graduate who liked to go to bars on the weekend and let men’s hands pull at her hips desperately in dark corners. 

Now, at twenty-four, she only thought about one thing: how good her stomach looked in this dress. She had thinned out tremendously since the move. At first, it started due to not having enough money to eat anywhere except the shitty university cafeteria. Then, it warped into something else. During its worst moments, she would log her calories or purge food moments after eating it. She could look into mirrors afterward and feel she was achieving something remarkable. Then, sometimes, she would also look at her face and think, ‘Is that what I look like’? 

But tonight, she wanted to do something different, something fun. Having told her sorority sisters this, they all jumped on board quickly, agreeing to meet at the bar around 10 p.m. that Saturday. They were thirty minutes late. 

Heather was gently fiddling with the hem of her short black dress, her eyes flickering towards the entrance every so often as she waited for them to walk in. This year, she wanted to be happier, less suffering in silence, and a little more smiley. So yes, she wanted to have fun with people she called friends. Despite all her efforts, she was sure they could see right through her sometimes. She swallowed nervously as she nursed a margarita. 

The next time she looked at her phone, she saw texts from her former sisters saying that work had been hectic and that they needed to reschedule for another time. So now, Heather Alexander was right back at square one: alone. She glanced down at her dress and frowned slightly at its tight material. It was the kind of dress that made her uncomfortable but made men comfortable. Something always felt wrong with that. Heather always secretly knew that she felt an attraction to women and men, but she always felt guilty at the thought. 

She sighed as she debated her next move when she saw him. He was the prettiest man she had ever seen. He had soft masculine features that almost looked slightly feminine, a uniform clad against his chest, and a charming boyish smile as their eyes met. Heather whispered a silent prayer that he would like her as he approached her and introduced himself as David Hernandez. How could she not fall for him instantly? Deep brown eyes, pink lips, dark skin, and a low rumble in his voice made her feel like giggling. 

It wasn’t long before the two of them were getting married. They spent a few months together in domestic bliss. He got some time off from work, and she kept her last name, and they were… happy. 

At least they were happy for six months, and then her world shattered around her as David was deployed to England. She cried herself to sleep the night she heard, and David stroked her back softly to calm her. Heather didn’t want him to leave her and see someone better overseas. She was sure that women would throw themselves at David’s feet, begging him to kiss them, touch them, fuck them, like whores in the street of Babylon. She couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else touching him, looking at him the way she looked at him, talking to him the way she did in his ear late at night. She begged him to try and find some way out of it, scared to lose what was rightfully hers, but he couldn’t. He left that week.

At first, it was just six months, but then it stretched out into a year of deployment—a year spent being faithful to a man across the Atlantic. She called him when she had time, wrote letters to him, sent him emails, and constantly contacted him in any way she could. 

When he got home, it was clear that all her efforts had gone to waste. David was distant. He would sulk in corners of their home on his phone. He would lament on and on about how England felt like his home and how he missed it. She couldn’t stand it. This house they bought together was his home, and it always had been. Why was he struggling to see that? 

The more he talked of his deployment, the more Heather became frustrated with him. Then he started to go out more. At first, it was just to speak with some Army friends on base a few spread-out weekends in the month. Then it was every weekend. 

Heather found that the only thing that could keep him home was sex. So they had sex constantly, like animals in heat. Disgusting and rutting against each other any moment they could. However, the second that it was over, he would withdraw again. He would get dressed and say he had to get to the base. 

Then he was coming late, drunk and slurring, as he pulled her to the edge of the bed and woke her up with sensual touches and dirty talk. She took this as a good sign he was coming home to his wife. He was fucking her and no one else. But slowly, he stopped coming home. He would call her late at night to tell her he would stay with a friend for the night. The following day, he would come home smelling sweet. 

Heather felt lost, searching desperately for something to save her marriage. She was devoting all of her love to a man who no longer wanted it, and she could feel him falling out of love with her. 

Her saving grace was the morning that she found out she was pregnant. She called David with tears in her eyes and told him softly over the phone, and she heard him laugh for the first time in months. And just like that, he was back. 

His soft touches, kisses in the grocery store, and dancing with her in the living room were all back. Her devoted and dotting husband had returned home to her. She could feel the dark cloud of the past couple of months dissipate and the sun shining on her. 

That light lasted a good three months. Heather sat up straight as pain coursed through her body, thundering in her abdomen as she shook David awake with tears streaming down her face. Something was wrong with the baby; she knew it. He drove her to the hospital as fast as he could, but it was too late. She had already miscarried.

Heather took a small sabbatical from work and took time to think about her life. She would stare out of their living room window blankly for hours. David was attentive at first, coming home after work and tending to Heather’s broken spirit. But he soon became bored of that routine. 

When Heather returned to the pediatric oncology unit, David was notified that he was being deployed again to Okinawa, Japan. He was packed and ready by the end of that month. She didn’t see him off at the airport, picking up an extra shift at the hospital to distract her from the fact that he was leaving her again. 

David called her two months into his leave to tell her he wasn’t happy. He wanted a divorce. Then he hung up before she could get a word in. That’s when it all started. Her obsession with consuming anything romantic was almost debilitating. She would visit bookstores and attend readings at the public library, sometimes calling off from work to sit at home with her romances. That’s when she saw you again. She thought that you would have stayed in Norfolk. You had once told her that you loved the water. You liked how it could look gloomy and promising on different days, with mist rolling off the surface. 

She tried not to talk to you. She did. She didn’t want to scare you away like she scared David away. No, no, no, she was sure it would all work out this time. So she loved you from a comfortable distance, watching you from her car on the weekends at night, leaving you her gifts on your windshield—a silent courting. 

She couldn’t help herself on Valentine’s Day. She had slipped into Nicole Smith’s room without Adeline recognizing her, and she gave the table with Adeline’s purse on it a gentle knock with her hip. Heather apologized quickly, telling her not to worry. She promptly dropped to the floor to gather the spilled contents from Adeline’s bag, and she slipped a labeled key connected to a keychain that read ‘or die’ into her pocket. Once she had copied the key, she quickly returned the original to its owner. 

She felt electric when she entered your apartment on Valentine's Day in a dark outfit, a hood covering her face, and four dozen rose petals in a container. She breathed in your perfume as she perused through your bathroom. She traced the spine of every book she could touch on your shelves. She gently dove into your dirty hamper and quickly pulled out a pair of dirty underwear, blood on the inside of them as she shamelessly slipped them into her pocket. Then she got to work spreading the petals throughout your apartment. By the end, she stared at her work, panting lightly as she lay across on your rose-covered bed. 

She had to have you. 

Present Day- March 5, 20XX

Derek and Spencer managed to get to the public library an hour before closing. They pulled your coworker, Valerie, aside. She was a pretty brunette, glasses resting on her face delicately as she stared at the two men with a soft look of disappointment. She knew that if they were here, they had yet to find you, and the thought made her feel like breaking down in a fit of tears. She fought the urge to cry as Derek asked her a question, sliding a copy of the Polaroid you had received on your windshield. “Do you happen to remember anyone coming in with a Polaroid camera?” 

Valerie stared at the Polaroid with a soft frown, trying to remember something helpful. Spencer spoke quickly, “Sometime around January fourteenth, maybe?”

Valerie chewed on her bottom lip before the memory washed over her, “Yes! Yes, oh gosh, she was blonde, I think. I remember telling her we didn’t like flash photography in the library. I only saw the back of her head, but I remember the back of her head and the flash of a camera.” 

Spencer tilted his head slightly and nodded at Valerie’s words, processing the information silently.“Are you sure it was a woman?” Spencer asked softly before Valarie enthusiastically nodded. 

“Yes, it was definitely a woman who took the picture.” She confirmed in a soft voice before she looked down at the Polaroid with a gentle tenderness in her eyes. “She baked me cookies last week, you know?” She looked up at the two men with a sad smile and tears in her eyes. “My cat is sick, and she made me cookies to make me feel better.” She laughed sadly as the tears started to fall. 

Derek placed a soft hand over Valerie’s and gave her a tender look, “We’re looking for her,” The words caused a shaky sigh to escape Valarie’s lips as she pulled her hand away quickly and stood up. 

Her cheeks were red as she cried out a soft “Excuse me.” before she turned on her heel and hurriedly left the room. 

Spencer picked up the picture and stared at you in the photo. The way your hair shined in the fluorescent light, your eyes and smile trained directly on the person you were talking to. You were personable, and the thought made his stomach turn. He looked over at Derek as Spencer handed the photo back to him. 

The two men walked out of the library silently, and Derek let out a soft sigh as he watched the sun starting to settle against the horizon. Spencer walked beside him with his hand stuffed in his pockets, and his head hung a little low in thought. 

Derek broke the silence first, “We should get back to the station to see if JJ and Rossi have anything,” 

And then they rode back in contemplative silence after that. 

March 6, 20XX

You weren’t sure if it was day or night anymore. All you knew was that you were starting to feel uneven. Every creak of wood, settling of pipes, and rumble of the house had your back straightening against the bed. You were sure that Heather would fly in at any moment and touch you. 

A million options weighed heavy in your mind at the scenario; you could fight back again, but that would get you sliced again or worse. You could go with it, zone out as much as possible, let her have her way with you. That option made your head spin with nausea. You had to find a way to get out. 

You licked at the gash on your lip, gently exploring the cut with your tongue until you could feel the warmth of blood again. You pushed your tongue back into your mouth and looked over at your day-old apple on the nightstand, half-eaten and brown. You tenderly took a small bite that wouldn’t require you to move your lips too much. 

You didn’t have much of the day-old meal left; a half-full water and this apple was all you had. You chewed softly, fighting off the nausea that threatened to creep in due to the morphine. 

You tried to remember anything that could be helpful to you. It was hard to think of high doses of morphine. You had played with the knob often; when you were ready to sleep, it would go up, and when you were up, it would turn down. But lately, you just wanted it to be turned up. 

You tried to think of when Heather came into the pink room. She always stuffed her keys into her pockets. A plan was in the making: Get her out of her clothes, and you could get the keys. 

You nodded a little despite your discomfort with the idea of her touching you again. You just had to seduce her a little, which should be easy considering that she was ‘in love’ with you. The only problem with that plan was that you had a mangled ankle and a body running on morphine; she didn’t. Heather’s temper was quick when you talked back, and rage followed if you did something against her liking. 

Maybe begging would work. No, you tried that already. Why would begging work? Perhaps you could hurt yourself just enough to force her to take you to the hospital. But that didn’t work either; she was a nurse. She wouldn’t incriminate herself like that, would she? Maybe total submission would be the key. 

Convince her that you love her back and somehow ask to be let out with her supervision, but that could take forever. 

You started to cry softly as you set down the core of the apple and laid down, wishing to pull your legs to your chest, but the pain of one ankle and the chain around the other made that physically impossible. 

You cried until you felt your eyelids become heavy, tears still slipping out of your eyes as you fell into a morphine-induced sleep. 

March 6, 20XX

JJ paced back and forth in front of the bulletin board, occasionally flicking her eyes over to the photos pinned to it as she tried to chase what was likely to be a loose end. The number that had called yours and left a message full of sobs had been a burner. 

Spencer had tried to tell her to eat something this morning, but as the clock’s hands crept towards nine a.m., she still didn’t feel hungry enough to try. She sighed out another frustrated huff as Emily appeared in front of her. “If you sigh like that one more time, I think I might have to force a croissant down your throat.” 

JJ gave her another dramatic sigh before she put her hands on her hips: “I’m sorry, I just feel like we have no leads. We know it's a woman, but Adeline isn’t likely to be the unsub, and all her coworkers have alibis. It just feels like we are running around with our heads cut off.” 

Emily smiled and gave her a gentle nod of understanding, “I get it, but you pacing around like this isn’t helping anyone. Let’s get you a drink, coffee, or maybe something to eat.” 

“People who eat breakfast consistently are twenty-five percent likely to be more productive at work,” Spencer spoke up from a desk not too far from the two women. 

Emily pointed over at Spencer, “See? You’re making Spencer freak out.” 

“I’m not freaked out,” Spencer frowned at the comment before looking back at a file on the desk. 

JJ’s smile was slow as she let her hands fall to her side and let out a soft, “Fine.” She agreed as Emily walked over to the precinct's breakroom, JJ following her. 

Derek was clicking a pen obnoxiously in an off-beat rhythm. He was about to say something when his phone started to ring on his desk. He didn’t recognize the number, but he answered it anyway. “Hello?” 

“Hi, uhm, is this Special Agent Morgan?” Adeline’s voice was shaky through the phone. 

Derek relaxed slightly as he set down his pen. “Yeah, Adeline. Did something happen?” He couldn’t think of another reason as to why she would call the number he had left with her if nothing happened. He was too focused on the case to think of any other reason anyway. 

“Yeah, maybe? I was talking to one of the nurses about something today, and I recognized one of them. I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner, but it was an old friend from college. She was more Y/N’s friend than mine, but I talked to her a little.” Adeline’s voice dropped to a whisper as she continued, “I mentioned that she was missing, and Heather had a weird reaction. She smiled for a second. I swear, she said she was sad to hear that, but she looked… well, for a second, it just seemed like maybe she was happy.” 

Derek picked the pen back up again, ready to write down a name. It wasn’t much, but they could visit her. “What was her name again?” 

“Gosh, it was Heather something… Heather, Heather, Heather,” She bit her lip as she tried to think back. “Alexander! Heather Alexander.” 

Derek wrote it down and muttered quickly, “We'll look into it, thanks.” As a goodbye, he let Adeline quickly thank him over the phone before he hung up and called Penelope. 

Penelope, quick as always, picked up on the first ring. “Center of divine intellect,” was her greeting. 

“Good morning to you, too, baby girl. Listen, could you get Heather Alexander's address? Adeline Smith called saying that she had a strange reaction to hearing about our girl going missing.” 

“Easy,” was her answer before Derek could hear the sounds of keys being tapped against and a soft humming sound emitting from Penelope’s lips as she pulled up the address: “4432 Lake Margaret Pl., Chesterfield, Virginia.” 

“You are an angel, Garcia.” 

“I always aim to please,” 

“And you never fail, baby girl.” 

JJ had begged Derek with her eyes to let her go with Spencer. It was just an interview, not even an interrogation, just to see if the connection between you and Heather went deeper than old college friends. So why shouldn’t she go? 

Derek wasn’t one to put up a big fight, so he let her with Spencer. It was only thirty minutes away anyway, so if they needed the team it wouldn’t take too long for them to show up, right? He stayed behind on the phone with Garcia, who was doing her best to see if Heather had any criminal history on her record. 

As the car rolled around the cul de sac, Spencer’s eyes struggled to look away from the plethora of plants in the fenced-in front yard. Pink anemones were scattered amongst daffodils, and what looked like daisies were blooming side by side. JJ rolled the car to a stop, parking it against the curb. 

“Pretty yard,” She muttered as she took the keys out of the ignition. Spencer nodded a little; he had to admit that Spring came in a close second to Fall as the superior season in his mind. The flowers growing after frozen earth had kept them dormant, the welcomed feeling of the sun getting slightly warmer. It was still somewhat chilly at ten in the morning as he stepped out of the car with JJ, but he had to admit, it was shaping up to be a beautiful day weather-wise. 

His head tilted back a little as he stole a glance at the blue sky above them and smiled before stuffing his hands into his pockets and tilting his head toward the house. JJ smiled and walked beside him, happy to be out of the precinct and in the early morning air.

Heather was washing the paring knife she had used on you in her kitchen sink, facing a large bay window in her living room. She swiped at the hardened blood and frowned a little at the memory. Why was she so upset with you? She could hardly remember herself when she got angry like that. 

It was almost fitting, her flying off the handle over something so simple as you not being ready for her love. Was she no better than a man? Had she gotten so accustomed to men's vile and sharp ways that she had somehow forgotten how to be gentle? 

She felt her hands shake as a voice came into her head, whispering her worst fear: She was worse than her father. 

She let tears blur her vision at the thought as she rubbed the knife harder with a sponge, shaking her head quickly. No, no, no, no. She was not like that man. She was not cold like that man. She was lovable. She felt love. She felt overwhelming love for you. She had felt overwhelming love for David. 

Her downward spiral was cut short as she lifted her weeping head and saw a black SUV parked in front of her yard. She quickly wiped away a stray tear with the back of her hand and sniffled lightly as she gently slid the knife into the dishwasher, watching two people get out of the van. 

Heather’s eyes were glued to the blonde at first, pretty and fair in the morning sun before her eyes flickered to the man beside her. She recognized him immediately. She was sure it was the same man she almost ran into at the hospital yesterday. 

She dried her hands as she walked around the kitchen island. As they got closer, her head arched to see how close they were. Panic was running through her veins. Her gun was in her room upstairs, loaded. She just had to get upstairs; her feet were quick to try and run upstairs and stash it somewhere close before they could ring the doorbell. Just as the idea seemed plausible enough, the bell rang through the house. 

Heather let out a silent scream of panic as she smoothed out her shirt, fixed her hair, and caught a quick glance of her pretty face in the mirror near the front door before she swung it open with a pleasantly fake smile on her face. Her eyes quickly scanned both of their faces as she smiled. “Can I help you?”

“Yes, hi. My name is Jennifer Jareau. This is Spencer Reid. We’re with the FBI, and we were just wondering if we could ask you some questions.” JJ spoke clearly as she flashed her badge at Heather, a slight smile on her lips as she looked into Heather’s eyes. Spencer recognized her, finding it strange that he had almost run directly into the beautiful woman at the hospital just the day before. 

Heather laughed softly and nodded as she stepped aside, opening the door wider to let the two agents inside. “Of course,” Her hands were shaking, but she gripped the edge of the door tightly, half tempted to slam it directly in their faces and go upstairs to shoot Catherine and herself to freedom.  

They weren’t on to her yet; she was sure of that– especially given their lack of people– just two against one. She was quick to shut the door behind them before leading the two of them into her living room. “Can I get you two any water? I have some juice.” 

The two agents shook their heads in a polite ‘no, thank you’ way as they sat on the sofa across from Heather. Heather sat on a chair with a soft “Okay” as she eyed them carefully. “Am I in some kind of trouble here?” 

“No, We just wanted to ask you a few questions regarding an old college friend of yours, Y/N L/N.” 

“Well,” She smoothed out her long skirt slowly, remembering to breathe normally, “What about her?” 

“Had you been in contact with her at all? Did she mention anything about someone following her?” 

Heather let out a gentle laugh as she shook her head, “I haven’t really had the time to reach out to old friends lately,” 

Spencer’s interest peaked as he joined the conversation, “How come?” 

Heather’s gaze became a little pointed at the question. Of course, the man has to ask her, “I lost a baby recently, and my husband was deployed soon after, so forgive me for not becoming pen pals with someone I knew at eighteen.” The words were direct and vicious, but she couldn’t help herself. She blew out a soft sigh before she let out a gentle and timid, “I’m sorry,” 

Spencer licked his lips nervously as he leaned back against the sofa slightly, trying to resist the urge to disappear into it. Self-isolation wasn’t uncommon for women who had recently suffered from a miscarriage. That feeling more than likely increased as her support system was ripped away from her. 

JJ gently touched Spencer’s knee before she cut the tension. “I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs. Alexander. We’re just trying to piece some information together.” 

Heather ran a hand through her hair before she gave JJ a tight-lipped smile. “I understand that; I’m sorry. Would it be alright if I ran upstairs for some medicine? I feel a headache coming on.” She spoke fast with a tense voice, trying her hardest to pass it off as pain with a rub of her temple. When JJ nodded, she stood up and headed upstairs as calmly as she could manage. 

JJ looked over at Spencer, watching Heather walk away carefully. “She seems angrier with men than anything.” Her voice was slightly amused before Spencer frowned. 

“Doesn’t mean she’s in the clear; stalking is often a form of intense infatuation, but it's also used as a way to control something. She’s struggling with two things that could be our stressors: she’s craving control or dependency. She-” The soft ringing of his phone cut off his whispered rant. He answered it, happy that at least it was just Garcia calling, hoping for a better lead than his ongoing hunch. 

He stood and looked at JJ, who was mouthing for him to go outside, “Hey,” He answered as he slipped out of the front door. 

“Hey, nothing is coming up anywhere on Heather’s record for criminal activity—sorority sister, wife, nurse, clean as a whistle. However, considering we don’t have much right now, I decided to see if she had any warnings at work.” 

“Right,” Spencer looked over his shoulder at the front door as he walked away to stand in front of the garage. 

“Well, last month, she got a write-up for stealing some morphine; her supervisor forced her to go see a therapist after Heather said that she was using it for some leftover pain she was experiencing after her miscarriage. But Heather never showed,” 

Spencer was walking a little further down the driveway as he listened to Garcia talk on the phone, counting the number of windows in the house. His eyes narrowed slightly to try and block out the sun before he looked away. He licked his bottom lip gently before acting on his little hunch, “Could you check her credit report? See if there are any purchases that you can find that seem odd around March third?” 

“Could I check her credit report,” Garcia repeated with a laugh, “Hold on, boy genius.” 

Spencer could see the top of JJ’s head from the bay window, and he turned away slightly, finding ease in the fact that she was still there. Something felt off, and he couldn’t put his finger on it. “She went to the store, but nothing crazy. Bought,” He could hear typing, “Bleach and rubbing alcohol.” 

Spencer chewed on the inside of his cheek as he asked, “When was her husband deployed again? Did she buy anything from a florist around Valentine’s Day?” 

“Husband was deployed December first and,” she hummed gently before she sighed, “Bought some flowers on Valentine’s day, rose petals.” 

Spencer felt that feeling when something connected in his brain, a rush of adrenaline as he felt his hunch slowly turn into a plausible accusation. The roses were just that, roses. But the bleach and rubbing alcohol? That’s a recipe for chloroform right there. And finally, Heather’s husband was deployed at the beginning of December, stressor number two. It made him feel slightly hopeful about walking back into the house. “Thanks, Garcia.” He said as his feet reached the end of the driveway. He hung up the phone, walking back towards the house at a fast pace when the familiar and startling 'crack' of a gun reached his ears. 

His hands drew his gun out of the holster, running back towards the house. He pushed the front door open with his foot as he heard the thumping of footsteps running on the stairs. He rounded the corner to the living room before lowering his gun as he saw JJ bleeding from a bullet wound in her thigh. 

“JJ!” His voice panicked as he reached her groaning side, kneeling low to the ground next to her. “What happened?” 

JJ shook her head quickly, “I’m calling for backup. She ran upstairs. She didn’t even try to,” her eyes squeezed shut tightly as a sharp pain rattled through her inner thigh, “Just go!” She urged him as she reached down for the phone in her back pocket, her free hand pressing on her gushing wound to try and slow the bleeding. 

Spencer’s eyes were filled with uncertainty as he let out a soft, “No, I’ll stay here until everyone gets-” 

“Spencer, go!” 

Spencer felt his spine straighten at the second command. He gave her a grim nod as he stood up, readied his gun, and started for the stairs. His footsteps were soft and calculated as he ascended, pink light flooding the floor as he approached the top of the stairs. He could hear gentle begging in a voice too soft and thick to be Heather’s. 

“Please, Heather, please, my love. Don’t, please don’t.” Repetitive cries for mercy made his legs move faster until he approached an opened door. The regular-looking bedroom door gave way to a steel one just behind it before revealing the scene of what looked like a demented love nest. 

Spencer swallowed a lump in his throat as he took in the scene. Gun pointed carefully at Heather as he spoke, “Heather, put down the gun. You love her. You don’t want to hurt her. You know that.” 

Heather jumped a little at the sound, her pistol clicking softly as her sweaty palms tightened their grip. She was quick to turn her body around to face him with the gun aimed directly at him as she spoke. “Don’t pretend like you know me or her. You don’t know our relationship. She wants this just as much as I do.” 

“You know she doesn’t look at her. Look at what you’re doing to her.” 

Heather’s eyes drifted to you, chained to the bed, watching as you hyperventilate softly. Heather felt her bottom lip quiver before she looked back at Spencer. “She’s just scared. You’re making me do this. She knows you’re making me do this.” 

Spencer’s eyes drifted to your crying form on the bed, trying to keep your sobs quiet as you stared at him with wild eyes. He glanced over at the morphine drip next to your bed before his eyes settled back on Heather. His lips parted to say something more, but she cut him off quickly, “Put your gun down, and I won’t do it.” 

Heather’s body language gives her away as she motions for him to put his gun down, her eyes crazed and large, her hands shaking and rigid against her pistol. “I’m not going to-” 

“Put your fucking, gun down, or she dies,” Heather yells so loud that it elicits a soft sob from your lips, your arms coming up to protect your head, ready for the shot to be administered and for your brains to be blown out in front of Spencer in that very moment. 

Spencer holds up both of his hands at that; he swears he can hear the soft sounds of sirens in the distance as he lowers his gun to the floor slowly, his foot gently kicking the gun away with a soft ‘clack.’

“Now you,” his calm voice says as he raises his hands, inching closer. Tears stream down Heather’s face now as she shakes her head gently. 

“I have to,” Is her tear-soaked reply as she keeps the barrel pointed at Spencer’s head, her fingers twitching lightly as they move for the trigger. Your shaking voice cuts through the scene, and Spencer is pretty sure it’s the only thing that is stopping him from diving for his gun a few feet from him. 

“Heather, baby,” Your voice betrays you as you speak the pet name, coming off a little too forced, but you continue anyway. “He can help. You don’t have to hurt anyone else. We can be happy, and we can get away. He can help, right?” Your arms relax around your head slowly as you look over at Spencer, who nods silently. 

“I can, but you have got to put your gun down.” 

Heather chokes out a strangled sob as she looks over at you, watching as you smile at her. You know it’s forced, but Heather can only view it as the prettiest thing she’s ever seen—a great parting gift. 

She feels spit thick on her tongue as she evaluates her options: kill Spencer and go to jail. Kill you, and she might not have enough time to kill herself. Killing herself seems like the best plan out of the three, so she holds her gun steady at Spencer as she looks at your now bleeding smile. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” Her voice is soft, almost so human that you feel your heart clench in pity before that clenching feeling turns into pure anxiety as you see the movement of her arm. Spencer’s feet aren't quick enough for him to tackle her to the ground as Heather raises the gun to her temple and pulls the trigger. 

Her body drops to the edge of the bed, sliding down it as you feel blood coat your legs. Your ears are ringing, and your mouth is wide open as you scream. At least you think you’re screaming. You can’t hear much but a pathetic muffle of the sound as the ringing in your ears increases.

Your hands are quick to try and wipe off chunks of what looks to be part of a skull off of your exposed stomach, and you can’t seem to stop staring at Heather’s limp body at the edge of the bed. The image of her mangled head oozing blood has you gagging softly, feeling yourself getting ready to be sick before you feel two hands cup your face. 

You’re screaming or sobbing; you can’t tell anymore as Spencer Reid’s face blocks the view. He keeps your face steady in his hands as you try to read his lips, your breathing heavy as he strokes your hair gently. His voice creeps in through the ringing until you eventually hear the soft repetition of, “I got you, look at me. Just keep looking at me; you’re safe.”

You feel your breathing slow, your arms reaching up to grab him before your eyes roll back as your body slumps against Spencer’s, and everything is engulfed in black.

Tag List: @dollykisses4reid @babyspiderling @cocobean16 @kodzukenie333 @mmmunson

[tossawary]

For a while, I kept periodically thinking about F/M Wangxian (Male Wei Wuxian and Female Lan Wangji) without being able to figure out why I kept being distracted by F/M Wangxian. I mean, I think different genderbending AU situations are fun to think about in fanfiction, especially in worlds where gender roles are a problem. M/M, F/M, M/F, and F/F Wangxian all change the story slightly and I think it's neat to explore why and how.

And obviously, F!LWJ would be a total babe, that's nice to think about, but why still M!WWX and not F!WWX? F!WWX would also be a total babe, though of a different type, especially as the Yiling Patriarch. But my brain kept insisting that M!WWX was still crucial somehow and I couldn't figure out why that setup.

I mean, it is funny to think about how M!WWX's unchanged flirty behavior in their teenage years would suddenly set off every single alarm bell in the Cloud Recesses due to people being able to SEE IT thanks to heteronormativity goggles. WWX with a degree of societal permission to be romantically interested in Lan Wangji? Intolerable levels of annoying. Unbearable to witness. Singing love songs under her balcony type bullshit like he wants her to start another fight under the moonlight. He's writing her poetry (clever "joke" poems bordering on innuendo and actual romantic poems) and has the gall to be good at it. Lan Qiren is barely resisting the urge to beat WWX off with a broomstick. Lan Xichen doesn't know whether to be horrified or delighted (LWJ is bluuuuushing).

I do also like the idea of WWX coming back from the dead and finding out that the common people have decided in the past decade (thanks to the heteronormativity goggles) that the noble female cultivator LWJ had a Tragic Romance with the Evil Yiling Patriarch. Poor woman! WWX: "Who had a what now?" (I do also like the idea of Wangxian actually having a Tragic Romance during and after the war. And mutually stated romantic interest and affection still didn't fix anything for them. But it's funny to think about WWX getting completely blindsided by this EPIC LOVE STORY if there was no actual relationship.)

(Sizhui is still adopted here! Noble and pure-hearted LWJ adopted a war orphan because she longed to be a mother but swore never to love again after the Yiling Patriarch broke her heart, obviously! WWX, listening to this gossip: "She what? I mean, Lan Zhan would make an amazing mom, good for her, lucky kid, and no one is good enough for her if she doesn't want to get married, but seriously, I cannot stress this enough, what the fuck. She didn't like me back! Aiyah, I bet she's still so mad at me for ruining her reputation like this.")

Eventually, I realized that the key piece of this AU that I was missing was that I wanted to write F/M Wangxian that turned into F/F Wangxian. Because I think Transfem Wei Wuxian would display (and I mean this affectionately) the most ridiculous trans egg behavior imaginable, especially because it would lean more towards one of those "I was mostly fine living as a guy, but I'm so much happier as a girl" situations. Absurd amounts of queer foreshadowing.

So, Wei Wuxian gets resurrected into a female MXY's body or something and obliviously goes, "Oh! This is nice! I've always wanted to try being a woman! Yes, I can roll with this." And eventually Wei Wuxian has to actually examine the fact that she really likes being a woman and doesn't want to "go back" to being a man in any way, but not before putting Lan Wangji through an incredible amount of new "joke" flirtation. And people who knew WWX before are like... "Hmm. Some things are making sense now."

Things like: 1) As a teenager, WWX insisted that LWJ was such a strong woman that, if they got married, LWJ could be "the husband" and "he" would happily be "the wife". There were lots and lots of "I want to live as Jiejie's spoiled wife" jokes. Consequently, at the Cloud Recesses, at least one outrageously inappropriate joke was made by WWX about LWJ knocking "him" up, because WWX's breeding kink is still very much a thing. WWX didn't know about her breeding kink when she made that joke; both she and LWJ learned something about themselves that day.

2) Wei Wuxian would frequently pull crossdressing-related pranks saying: "Wow, this is crazy. I can't believe you guys are forcing me to put on a dress and all this makeup for this prank! You guys are wild!" And Jiang Cheng would reply: "No one is forcing you to do this. No one dared you. You suddenly volunteered to crossdress for a prank that does not require crossdressing AGAIN. Also, give me that brush, I'll do your makeup because you suck ass at it."

3) WWX would frequently go on rants about how women are so much more beautiful than men, which flew under the radar as a "normal behavior for a lustful young man", but there was always something a little off about it. Like, WWX might say that women are so beautiful and perfect that everyone would choose to be one if allowed to pick before being born just to admire the gorgeous view, and JC might say, "I don't think that's quite right...?" But WWX would just say something like (like an obnoxious teenage sibling), "That's because you know that you'd make an ugly woman!" or, "Are you saying that women aren't perfect? Also, are you saying Shijie isn't the best person in the world?" And JC would have to be like, "I didn't say that! And I'd make a beautiful woman, fuck you! Also, how is that relevant to your point?"

By the end of this AU, there is at least one public love confession that is horribly embarrassing for everyone else to witness, in which Wei Wuxian has finally realized that LWJ used to be in love with "him" and that she loves LWJ back, but tearfully apologizes because she can't be the handsome man that LWJ loved anymore. Even if she could be a man again, she still doesn't want to stop being a woman, even if she's not very good at it yet. She can't perform the required husbandly duties like provide a good home for LWJ! She can't father LWJ's children anymore!

(Jiang Cheng: "Do you have to do this now?! Stop being indecent! There are children here. Also, we're all being held hostage.")

But it's all cool! Because shortly after realizing WWX was back and determined to live as a woman, LWJ speedran a sexuality crisis, flipped a mental switch, and essentially went, "I'm a lesbian now." (Or maybe LWJ was really confused about being attracted to WWX when they first met, because LWJ had only been physically attracted to her fellow female disciples up until then, so WWX seemed like the "exception", until WWX comes back from the dead as a woman and then it's like, "Ah. Not an exception after all.")

[capybonara]

More personal thoughts under a cut

I’m not trying to think about the other day’s rude message but here I am trying to get my thoughts in order. I was vague in my last personal posts because I want to air out my grievances but not in a way that spreads negativity. But for clarity's sake, this message was a private tumblr dm from someone who didn’t follow me. Like, I think they felt they were trying to be helpful, but everything about it screamed "passive aggressive I-know-better-than-you" energy. And the implications it had is what I keep dwelling on; that my characters in my friends comic are/will be terribly written. And I’m like THAT'S MY WORK, THAT’S OUR WORK 😤 and that’s when I spiraled with thoughts like “oh so people who viewed the comic disliked them the whole time? Are my contributions/ideas that bad?”

I've been talking with @semirampant-dwickery and @smackins about this, and how these collaborative projects with zora characters reminded me of CDN. For context, that was a mass effect RP forum I was part of that focused on the lives of OCs. @werewolfsister added this nice response to a comic of mine, and all of this got me thinking about past projects and the kinds of things that worked, did not work, and the troubles we had in the forum.

The basic definition of a collaboration is a project between two or more people to work to create something. Using my own experiences, it was common courtesy to ask others if they were interested in joining in on a project/story. After someone said yes, we started talking about our characters to give each other a basic insight on their personalities, and hopefully we got a rough outline of the idea we wanted to execute and then wrote it out, drew scenes, or both!

The roadblocks I've come across are sometimes characters (and people) don't mesh well. Their ideas might not vibe with mine, and vice versa. As an example, I really enjoyed a lot of slice of life scenarios and many others wanted to do action related plots! And try as we might, a middle ground couldn't be reached so while it was a shame, no harm no foul! The community had mods to keep the peace, so if someone went too far with crossing lines they were given the boot!

You never want problems but at times they happen regardless. One example for myself involved a former writing partner who didn't want to do any work, but they still wanted the rewards of the end game. We talked about developing a ship between characters, but they didn't want to work on the in-between details. Details like first meetings, going out on dates, the realizations, etc. It was difficult to push anything along, and their personal end goal was for our characters to have sex (I guess in accordance to mass effect tradition of “we’ll bang, okay?” haha). I didn't feel comfortable with that and wanted to have the characters build a rapport first. Despite asking questions about their OCs, it usually ended up like this:

“Let’s start with something basic. What’s your characters fav thing to eat” “Your character 😏” “Ew dude cmon” “Lol I dunno, just food”

 which made me go AUGH! 😂😅

So, I started chatting with other forum members who were more than happy to brainstorm and make ideas happen. My character started making friends with other OCs, I joined other threads, but my other writing partner was feeling left out. And I sympathized because I wanted to work on the ship, I wanted them to feel included. Every time we talked though it was like hitting a wall. I was slowly getting the impression they didn't want to write. But they sure didn't complain with the art I drew of their OC! 

There’s a lot of details regarding that experience that's still ick to discuss openly. In the end, they unfortunately got banned for their behavior and it took a while to recover from it.

The happier side was, in time, I began collaborating with other, kinder people again. But after bad experiences I learned how important communication was. My characters got to engage in all kinds of adventures because all people involved were willing to talk. I learned it was important to let others know that I wanted to join something. I couldn't sit in my corner and hope someone noticed me. It was hard, and it still can be now because I'm shy, and bad experiences make me wary to try again. Though later I found out everyone I worked with had the same anxieties so we would discuss how we can help fight those insecurities. @smackins and I would build each other up to make posts because we were so worried we came off as dumb or annoying. And sometimes that's all you need, a little support and the courage to speak up. 

@semirampant-dwickery and I ran into each other by chance via an “in character” argument and his OC challenged mine. Originally, I wasn't going to accept because I was scared and I thought it'd just annoy him. Whenever we talk about it now, he always expresses how happy he was that I accepted his offer to write a thread with our characters meeting. Said meeting ended up being one of my favorites, a lot of improv that included musicals, a hologram room, feasts and a hammer to his OCs face xD

Werewolfsister’ss response to my comic got me waxing sentimental! This method of collaborating is a little different from CDN because it's more art focused but the same process applies. You chat with folks, you work on outlines or do fun improvs on the fly!

The other difference I noticed is how small cameos can turn into stories of their own!  Characters who appeared in her comic regularly are usually because communication continued between people. Some surprise art pieces prompted other people to reply with their own art. Like werewolf’s response said, it's how we ran into each other! I remember a few months back they were asking folks if they had diplomat characters they could include in their comic, and originally I wasn't going to join because of my own anxiety. But I realized nothing ventured, nothing gained, created Kaska and said “here's my submission!”

They later sent me a message asking if the zorca could participate in assisting other characters in a scene, and asked me questions regarding scenarios, and I answered to give an idea of what they could or couldn't do. I was excited for even the smallest role xD so when they asked more questions I gave more answers and ideas! The person who sent their “warning” to me the other day made an assumption my characters were being controlled by her, but everything dealing with them has my hand prints on it as well. Like with my friends on CDN, I offered suggestions, helped when they hit a roadblock and asked if I could contribute with my art!

Thinking on CDN, I know the roadblocks I personally hit was the lack of communication between parties involved. Like with my writing partner who didn't want to help do the work. I ran into others who came and went and the one complaint that stuck out for me was how I formed a “clique” with semirampant-dwickery, but the thing was, I sought their help the most because I knew they were fun and easy to speak with, and they helped me when I hit my own roadblocks. They proved to be a trustworthy and supportive partner! So of course I worked with them often! He’s done so much to write stories to get other members involved. 

I've received messages years later from people who admitted they made assumptions about us, and how anxiety kept them from joining our threads. I still grieve over those missed opportunities at times because I personally thought they were heckin cool! It is what it is though 😔

Because of those experiences and how difficult it can be to organize projects; I want to give werewolfsister praise for their hard work, their positive attitude, and welcoming presence. It's not easy communicating with a number of people, making outlines for the plot, and then drawing a comic where I've literally witnessed you dish out TEN+ PAGES A DAY. And you've been doing this since MAY! It's a lot of things to juggle alone. 

To the casual onlooker, it might look like a simple project with guest appearances she has full control of. But cameos remain cameos unless someone speaks up and offers more info and help. And characters who've had longer appearances were all discussed with her in chats; from permissions, to story outlines and boundaries. I've had the privilege to watch and be part of these discussions 👍 

I kept thinking about disengaging from the zora community, because of how that message had me focusing on the negative. It was one harassment message but honestly that's enough. I know why it came about, and I hate how that kind of negativity made me want to cut off from everything. Wanting to isolate is my knee jerk response because it made me paranoid. Who else am I upsetting? Who else will send more “warnings?” I'm an old millennial, I'm not here to have beef with strangers on the internet.

The paranoia has been an issue for me and that message “cemented” some other worries I had. For example, I made a previous post asking folks if they had characters that played instruments, then tried to clarify if anyone would be okay with their OCs interacting with Cironus. I got a few responses, but the tumblr dm responses I received, however, were details of who not to associate with, along with a fatphobic remark about Cironus. It left me feeling on edge: one wrong move from myself or my character, one piece of art that didn’t depict every detail correctly, and I was guaranteed to set something off.

I understand there are folks who have extremely personal connections to their characters, and I sympathize and respect that. And for the sake of everyone’s mental well being, I’m going to avoid them. Characters carrying that level of weight need complete control by the creator, and collaborating with others by definition means you have to relinquish some of that control. It requires that you retain a modicum of trust that other players are acting in good faith and not out to ruin your character. No one else gives over that control but you.

Collaboration is about trust, communication, and teamwork. CDN thrived when people came together, but if someone didn’t find the idea appealing, they chose to go solo and found other outlets. I came to this community with the hopes of creating stories with others. And if they don’t want that, like it was with the forum, we move on.

I know we can curate our spaces so we are surrounded by the things we enjoy, and choose to be around those who are supportive and understanding, but I’m not feeling very confident about finding more folks to work with. That’s not an invite to say you want to either. I need to think, and writing this helps me think. My original plan was to post about my zorca and Cironus to give what audience that's out there a better idea of my characters. 

As I write this I realize what I’m tired of is having to set things up like I’m preparing for an audition. I just want to draw, I want to include people and make them happy with the things I draw. This is a hobby I’m trying to have fun with. Outside of my friend group, I don’t think I’ve been able to casually share ideas about my characters with other people. I want to be seen, and connect with others. In turn, that usually became a chain of helping others feel seen too.

The negativity makes you feel powerless at times, but we have the ability to build the kind of communities we want. It takes time, it takes people you trust. I don’t want to say “be the change you want to see” because to me it always implied you have to do it alone. And we don’t.  CDN had a set of rules when working with others that allowed the community to last for years, and the one I try to follow the most is don’t be an asshole. Be kind, be respectful, uplift others when you can, and when you take, give back to others as well.

[markrosewater]

A friend shared this in our discord and I asked him to send it to you, but he doesn't use Tumblr, so I asked if I could. It was far better written than some of thoughts and seemed worth sharing with you. "My Magic Cards' Lament As you all know, I love me some cube. Its my favorite way to play magic and, more importantly, my favorite way to /think/ about magic. I enjoy theory crafting cubes on the Cobra and imagining different possibilities. But I've noticed something recently: I've become desensitized to the aesthetic. And this isn't by choice. Scrolling through scryfall I find myself reading over UB cards from fallout or assassins creed or dr who or warhammer and thinking "this is a really unique effect and would fit perfectly in this cube". But it hurts to put them in. As someone who's genuinely obsessive/compulsive its a very bothersome incongruity. Sometimes I put them in, sometimes I don't, but I have to start ignoring aspects of the card for my own wellbeing which is often difficult. Regardless of my decision, I find that I shrink the card down to only its mechanics and its interaction with other cards' mechanics, and lose touch with the great aesthetic and world-building that got me so excited about magic in the first place. UW is not a priority to them, and if they even do make Magic equivalents, it would be released 2-3 years from now. I believe this to be a serious threat to the longevity of MTG, and it has me leaning more into other TCGs."

Universes Beyond might be the latest topic, but this is a note I've gotten many times over the years. A player writes to me that they love the game, but there's this element in the game that they have problems with. If only the element weren't there, their enjoyment of the game would increase greatly. But there are a lot of players for whom that element is something that makes the game more enjoyable for them.

The core problem is this. It's much easier to add things to the system than take them away. To use my buffet metaphor. We can add seafood because there are many players who have a better meal if seafood is there, but there's not a lot we can do for people who feel the buffet is lessened for seafood being in it. Yes, if enough people have issues with seafood, we can take it away, but what do we do when a majority likes the seafood and a small minority dislikes it?

I can encourage players to not eat the seafood, and even find other players who all promise to not eat the seafood when eating at the same table, but it's not something I can address while still keeping all the seafood lovers happy.

My answer is part of what makes a community is the understanding that others will enjoy things you don't and that things bringing happiness to others is a net gain for the community. Find the foods you love at the buffet and accept that the foods you don't like being there makes the customers of the buffet as a whole happier.

[tallulah477]

Below the cut contains my thoughts and feelings about certain issues that I've seen recently that I feel like need to be addressed including hate/bullying, the new Neteyam & Lo'ak rp blogs, and the general fandom as a whole.

CW:// Mentions of pedophilia, predators, racism, and homophobia

Over the past several months, and especially over these past several days, it's come to my attention that we as a fandom need to make some things abundantly clear.

I was a silent reader for a long time. I love Avatar and this fandom with my entire heart and I wanted nothing more than to be an active part of it and member of the community, but the thing that stopped me for a long time was seeing how hateful people can be and I wasn't sure if I could handle it. Obviously, I decided that my happiness and sharing my love for Avatar and the characters with other people who love it as much as I do is more important than any nasty messages I might get and I couldn't be happier with my decision. I think I can safely say that most of us here in the fandom can say the same (although I'm sure the feeling of happiness comes with endless ebbs and flows for all of us).

That being said, the amount of sheer bullshit that I've been seeing on here is ridiculous.

The amount of hate messages that I've had to witness my mutuals receive is unacceptable. The amount of hounding as to why someone unfollowed this person, why aren't they interacting with this person anymore, why would someone write something like this, why won't you write this, is crazy to see. I've seen racist comments, I've seen homophobic comments, and I've seen people being called a pedophile wayyyy to often now.

This is Tumblr. We are responsible for our own media consumption. We cultivate our own media experience.

That means authors write what they enjoy regardless of content as long as they are responsible and tag the work correctly. You as the reader are responsible for heeding those warnings.

This means that if two people who used to interact or follow each other all of a sudden don't or someone gets blocked, it is no one's business as to why it happened. They don't owe you an explanation and there's no need to publicize drama. Do not go into their inboxes asking for details because all that does is feed the flames.

This is supposed to be people's happy place. Our safe space. And instead it seems like there's something new happening every single day.

At this point, we've all seen the rp blogs that have popped up. I'm not generally someone who enjoys rp so I didn't interact, but I saw a ton of my mutuals and others having a great time with them. Despite me not liking rp, it was exciting to see at first. A live persona of one of my most beloved characters interacting with fics that I love? Yes, it's definitely exciting to see!

But then it got not so exciting to see. The responses seemed solely sexual and out of character for Neteyam, a lot of them were really dark and borderline violent. I like dark fics, and I love dark Neteyam. But there are warnings to every dark fic and you go into them knowing what to expect. For a blog that's rp-ing a character that's not canonically like that, it was concerning to see.

We've had issues in this fandom in the past with predators. And despite us all being adults here (at least we should all be), you can never be too careful when it comes to the internet. I am NOT saying that the people running these blogs are predators, but certain things I've seen have raised some flags to me. Rp can be really dangerous when people don't know who's behind the character, especially if things are sexual. Since then, both blogs have created 'About Me' sections which I think is good. So that's something I appreciate.

However, we've also had the opposite problem in which minors interact with us and our content. It's a huge problem that we are constantly trying to battle because while seeing/reading sexual content can be harmful for those who are underage, it's can also get us into a lot of trouble for interacting with minors even if we don't know they're underage. When the accusation that the rp accounts were minors came out, they were sent asks to confirm. One responded respectfully and one, in my opinion, responded not so respectfully. If you are ever asked if you are a minor, don't get pissed about it. It's an important question and you should understand and respect its importance. Just clarify.

I'm saying all this not because I don't think people should interact with these blogs if you want to. It's 100% up to you and I know a lot of people were having fun with it. You're all adults, do what you think is best. And I do think it would be really nice to have more guys in the community, whether they rp or not. My issue with them is more about safety than anything else.

Now back to the hate comments. For any issues I might have had with the Neteyam blog (again, no hate, just my own thoughts), I only ever saw the Lo'ak blog being respectful. Yet, I still saw someone on their actual blog, not under anon, telling him "can't you just leave?". Under no circumstances is it okay to say this to another person. Any one who is an active member of this community who posts fics or the like KNOWS what its like to receive hateful comments like this and you think its okay to say something like this to someone else? No way. I'm sure you know what it feels like to get comments like that and you decided to be nasty to another person anyway. You should know better. Anyone who can say something mean to or about another person should be ashamed of themselves.

For as much as I love this fandom, this is insane that I actually have to say this.

Be kind. Be respectful.

And if you can't?

It's called the block button, people. Use it.

[sir-adamus]

I will never understand how Shane Newville can be called a hater. Yes, his letter did cause problems but he didn't do it out of malice or spite. It's so weird that so many people demonize him just because he wrote that letter 8 years ago. I even saw someone on Twitter once say Shane was never Monty's friend.

yeah i think it's mostly because of the letter being used as ammunition to attack the show, the crew and the fandom in its aftermath that Shane gets conflated with the virulence of the hatedom that followed, not helped by the title of the letter being a shade emotionally manipulative - 'to those who loved Monty' - and then his attitude throughout the letter where he posits himself as if he was Monty's only friend in the company (which was demonstrably untrue) and pinning Miles and Kerry (though not naming them, he uses their job titles so we knew who Shane was talking about) with the 'not following Monty's vision' label (especially in regards to cutting or changing fights because they didn't make sense or wouldn't have worked thematically; like Raven attacking JNPR for... some reason. or Adam and Yang having a full on fight before she lost her arm, or Pyrrha nearly beating Cinder... somehow, before getting killed because Jaune distracted her. if i recall he claimed Pyrrha was 'nerfed from being a badass fighter', and it just reminds me of the volume 1 director's commentary where they had to rein Shane in on the Black Trailer because he wanted Blake to cut the entire train in half) and acting like he was entitled to assume the director's position despite no indication he had even put his name forward for it

ultimately Shane comes across in the letter like he would've probably been happier working on Dead Fantasy over RWBY; he was in it to make cool fight scenes with Monty for fight scenes sake, not to make a show with a narrative throughline (that he utterly downplayed Miles and Kerry's involvement in writing the damn thing - which every behind the scenes featurette from the beginning had made a point of, especially volume 1's where Monty talked through his process of bringing others on - was again more ammunition people used to attack the crew and foster the 'Monty's true vision' narrative), and the letter was coming from a very skewed perspective as a result of grief and frustration (from internal and external factors; his marriage broke down, he lost his job) and while he doesn't put voice to it, his own actions as described in the letter make him come across as obstructive (very resistant to the changing of the team structure and workflow to a more professional standard) and a pain to work with (because he'd keep working on stuff that they weren't gonna do, like the aforementioned Raven vs JNPR fight, and was wasting time making tools for the new animators more familiar with Maya to use for Poser because he didn't want them to move to a new animation program after 3, if i remember rightly)

like, i don't think he wrote it in an attempt to fuel the hatedom or just to be an ass, and he did highlight some behind the scenes problems, it's just that it did end up doing a lot of damage and his skewed perspective doesn't really account for the issues he was creating or that he wasn't the only one impacted - but again, grief, frustration

it's now been eight years and i think we all should be well past it and just let sleeping dogs lie

[m4dm4yhem]

Hey! Mind if I asked for a darker topic?,

S it okay if I request Gwen Stacy with gnc reader, but like...the suicide/self harm one, just like the rest of the spiders? I haven't seen any, but I liked your writing and wanted to see Gwen's,

It's okay if you don't want to, I understand<3

Have a good time

summary: gwen knew what she was getting into when she dated [name], they always had a issue with self harm and their mental health.. while it was a lot to take on, she was always there.. until.. she wasn’t.

a/n: tysm for the request & enjoying my writing! I’ll try my best to do this right, and if you ever feel like you have no one; just dm me and we can chat and become friends, while this is fictional work feelings like this are very real, if you need anything dm me; they’re open for anyone, of all ages. I am a judgement free blog, and if you ever need me to write something with your comfort character comforting you in particular ( not a reader but YOU) I will not hesitate to write something like that up for you as well, I hope you guys are all okay, drink water and make sure you stay healthy. but once again my reader will always be black, my apologies if someone reading this is not black, but a black reader is the only one I am able to do because I am black.

TW: self-harm, suicide, reader’s death, character death, suicidal thoughts, voices, hallucinations

__________________________________________________

GWEN LOVED BEING SPIDER-WOMAN…

it was a tough job, but it meant she could save people, ever since she had lost peter, she wanted nothing more than to save those she loved, those who cared about her.. whether that be gwen stacy or ghost spider.

gwen loved to save her partner the most. she knew she probably shouldn’t have a favorite person to save; but this was someone close to her, someone who understood her, someone she loved and who loved her.

and that person was [name], her partner.. while it could be draining once she got a second to herself, it was harsh and worrisome when she got calls from her partner.. letting her know they wouldn’t be at school for a week or two due to an attempt on their life, and they’d ended up in the mental hospital.

it was scary, learning when they relapsed and they came to her for help. it was a lot, but it wasn’t too much, it was never too much.. because when you love someone.. their problems become yours. their emotions become your own as well if you aren’t too careful.

___________________________________________________

a tear slipped down [name]’s cheek, the voices were acting up again. telling them they were not enough for their girlfriend.. whispering in their ears in the late of the night that they might as well kill themselves, the poor teen gripped on their hair, and yanked on it; dry curls from the weeks they went without wearing their bonnet and moisturizing their hair were left behind in their palms.

“ jesus.. I can’t do anything right, I can’t take care of my hair.. I can’t do basic hygiene.. “ [name] began; feeling the tears begin to well up in their eyes once more.

“ yes.. you’re worthless.. you can’t do anything.” the voices spoke in their head, mentions of being ‘ useless’, ‘ a burden’, as well as insults on their appearance being thrown around as well.

it wasn’t until the mention of gwen; is when the tears really started to roll..

“ why is she even still with you?”

“ all you do is burden her.”

“ the world would be better off without you..and she’d even be happier if you just killed yourself.”

[name] tried to fight the urge, -after the brain they hated so much began to overwhelm them with the thoughts of how much.. better gwen’s life would be if they just.. were not in it. - but.. the urge to grab the knife and slice their wrist.. where many scars already lay was strong. the need and desire to hurt themselves to give themselves a peace of mind.. to not burden her.. it was stronger than the small voice of gwen’s in the back of their mind..

“ if anything like this happens again, please call me.”

it rang in their head, the voice of their girlfriend begging them to call her if any suicidal thoughts popped up, if any hallucinations or voices were heard or seen. if anything was bothering them, gwen was always there to lend a helping hand.. but whenever she needed anything.. they were always in the hospital, always there because they had made an attempt on their life.

the voices rang loud, they were overwhelming.. and it felt like they couldn’t even control their body as they hurried to the kitchen from their bedroom, and grabbed the sharpest knife that was available; hurrying to push their sleeve up, dragging the blade across their skin, small slits that were slowly dripping blood, their body shook, eyes closing; they couldn’t keep a steady hand. the knife was pressed against their wrist, and it was dragged across.. hitting a vein.

[name] open their eyes, and was met with a white slit against their dark skin, eyes widening. they knew what that meant.

the blood came next, “ oh shit.” they mumbled; trying to find a cloth, the blood was rushing quickly. the only thing they found was a sponge, pressing it against their arm. hurrying back upstairs to call the first person that came to mind, their girlfriend.

___________________________________________________

“ - okay, that doesn’t mean-“ gwen stopped for a moment, she was in the middle of a fight with a villain, “ wait.. hang on.” she sheepishly spoke as she pulled out her phone, picking up the phone “ hey.. honey, I’m kinda.. in the middle of-“

“ gwen.. gwen.. I’m sorry, but I need you right now.. I relapsed and.. I-…I’m bleeding bad, I can’t stop it.” [name]’s voice was full of distress, it was full of cracks and they couldn’t stop crying, gwen could hear the sobs

“ what?!” her voice was loud, worrying dripping from her lips, she turned to face the villain and then looked at her phone. “ sorry.. sorry.” she spoke multiple times, “ what?! fight me spiderwoman!” the villain had yelled, obviously offended from her words. gwen didn’t say much else, but just swung away, using her webs to swing her as quickly as possible to her lover’s house, keeping them on the phone. “ i’m here.. i’m here..” the panic in her voice was obvious as she tried to comfort her sobbing lover, who couldn’t stop apologizing, “ did you call the police?” gwen was just hoping an ambulance would be there when she arrived as well

“ no..i just.. I panicked and called you first.”

‘oh no..no.. no!’ gwen’s thoughts were running crazy, and her vision was starting to get blurry, “ hang on.. ima call you back.. I’m gonna call an ambulance first.” gwen’s voice was soft, and the last ten seconds of the call was her reassuring her partner that they’d be okay, that it was only a few moments they’d be apart before she dialed 911, telling the operator that her partner had cut themselves too deep and needed medical attention. the operator kept her on longer than she originally thought; giving the operator [name]’s address, to send a ambulance, the operator kept asking questions but gwen wasn’t in the right mind to answer them, so she avoided them by hanging up.

when she had finally made it to [name]’s window, her heart dropped, seeing her lover in a pool of their own blood.. shook her to her very core. it was something she would never forget.

“ h-hey…hey!” her eyes were wide, and she couldn’t think straight at that very moment. she quickly pulled the window open and hurried inside, “ [name]!” she quickly pulled her mask off, her blue eyes staring at her lover, gwen rushed to their side, giving them a few quick shakes to see if they were still alive.

they weren’t.

gwen had tried to cup their cheek, the body was still warm but the look in their eyes told gwen all she needed to know, “ oh my god..” she muttered, “ no.. no..” her blue eyes stared into [name]’s. seeing how dull and lifeless they looked, she should’ve been there..

she should’ve been with them, to help them through this.. god why did that stupid villain have to decide to rob that store.. was he even a villain? more or so just a criminal? why was she thinking about this now?

just.. why.

why.

why

___________________________________________________

it was at this time that gwen thought about the song IFHY.. by tyler the creator, not because the song related to her, it didn’t. but the line

“ life without you has no goddamn meaning.”

made her think about every second she had spent with her partner, and discovering their dead body was a lot, it hurt. her mind, body, and soul were affected from their death. she took a deep breath as she looked over New York, it didn’t make any sense to her.. why [name] wasn’t next to her. it would’ve made sense if they lived, they would be in the hospital by now, getting treated for their mental health.. but, they were sitting alone. somewhere, their body cold, she’d never get to hold them again, never would get to kiss them again.

she’d never..

unless.

she looked down at the drop to the ground, it’d be enough to kill her right..?

the thought was enough to shock her, she was never one to think about ending her life, these feelings were so heavy, and it hurt.. but.. she missed [name]..

she stood up, standing at the edge of the building

“ hey gwen.. i love you..c’mere”

“ you’re so funny.. c’mere.. I wanna cuddle”

“ gwen.. can you come over?”

“ come on.. give me a kiss..”

every single time.. her lover had wanted her to come closer to them, whether that be for a hug.. a kiss.. or just to be close together.. and sit in silence ran through her head, it was like.. the voice in her head.. of her dead partner was beckoning her to come to them? should she do it?

she missed [name]..

she missed them so much

but the thought of all her friends back at HQ.. her dad..

but the pain was too much for her.. she just wanted it to end.. she already went through enough.

maybe she’d also see her mother again?

her mother.. and [name].. she missed them.

too much..

she missed them too much not to..

she took a deep breath, deciding she’d actually do it..

she closed her eyes, swallowing any anxiety she had..

it was quite ironic to her, every other gwen stacy variant had died by falling to their death after falling in love with spiderman.. and she had tried so hard to never become the next dead gwen stacy. but here she was.. jumping off the building, letting her body fall.. with a smile on her face, tears fell out of her eyes.. a feeling of anxiety in her stomach.. and fear.. but peace as well…

she didn’t even feel herself hit the ground, but anyone who fell victim to the witness of a teenage girl taking her life knew.. she wasn’t alive, she couldn’t be, not after that ten story drop…

she was gone

[a-cure-for-hysteria]

A RANT ABOUT PARTY DRUGS AND PSYCHIATRIC DRUGS

(Expect little cohesion, don’t want to edit this after writing)

Another thing about medicine (both psychiatric and otherwise) is the lies we - collectively - tell ourselves about them. After seeing Dopesick on HBO, even my most conservatives relatives would agree that it’s “such a shame about that girl” and “who’s to say we wouldn’t end up like that with her life”. Basic empathy - finally - but bear with me.

The characters in Dopesick are pretty much fine until they are so tolerant or have been on Oxy so long that no doctor is willing to prescribe more. Then, they’re off to the streets, doing anything they can for oxy, heroin, later fentanyl. The only thing they had in common was some sort of injury happen to them, and a doctor sponsored by Purdue Pharma.

Personally, I have (due to a long list of diagnoses, of which none have been revoked as I got new ones, for some reason) automatically renewed prescriptions in almost all the drug categories. I have amphetamines, cannabinoids, zolpidem, pregabalin and benzodiazepines. If I ask nicely and have a good reason, I get Oxy too - luckily for me, my body has some sort of allergic reaction to opioids, so addiction is unlikely.

However, my cornucopia of legally prescribed substances is a constant, looming threat to my continued well-being, made even more so by the fact that I need them to survive. I just have to NOT go overboard. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes it’s hard.

I’m 30-something now. I live a pretty calm life - child free with cats and a loving partner, somewhere in rural Northern Europe. Before that, I partied hard. I’ve tasted all the substances for fun (and later; out of social necessity) and let me tell you - the effect I get from a rail of amphetamine snorted from a CD cover at 02:47 AM on a Wednesday, at a party (three tweakers in a dirty apartment) I’d never attend sober… that clear, ready feeling, it’s the same as what I get from 60 mg of Vyvanse each morning.

“People with real ADHD don’t get high from their meds!” you might say. Your ignorance is forgiven. There is so much we don’t know about the brain, about ADHD (if it’s even ONE thing and not several, if it’s generic or trauma or both) and let me tell you - me being high on my meds IS what makes me do the dishes. Go to work. Remember how my partner feels before I take all the dinner scraps without asking if they’ve eaten. I am high. I have taken speed at parties and I know. Every day, I know.

There is no inherent difference between the speed you do at a party and the speed your doctor gives you. Sometimes prescribed speed is tied up with lysine, making you wait an hour before it kicks. Sometimes you get BAD speed at parties - levoamphetamine and not dextroamphetamine. Sometimes it’s cut with bad stuff. But - it’s the same. It’s the same it’s the same it’s the same.

I am as addicted as the guy living under the bridge. However, I get to call it meds and everyone is so happy about my go-getter attitude at work, and how I am a valuable asset to the company. My partner rejoices upon learning I now do my half of the chores. My mom says I seem happier, more well-adjusted. A friend tells me she considered just leaving me alone because I never seemed to get my shit together, but now my shit IS together. Nice!

I recently upped my dose from 30 to 2 x 30 mg Vyvanse. No problem - it even says so on the prescription that I can. I’ve been taking out two boxes at the pharmacy every month, but haven’t taken the correct dose since I started. I just didn’t need to, except now and then on stressful days. Now I need 60 mg, and it doesn’t even feel like 30 did in the start. What happens when 60 is no longer enough for me to feel the high that allows me to get anything done? And, am I lying to myself? Would 30 have been fine? I need, need, need the clear, ready feeling. And I need to get shit done. I need people to be happy with me.

Yes, that’s it. I need people to be happy around me. Is there a rehab for that?