#yes i am looking at the shit ton of lesbians who just happen to ignore female characters who just dated men

[lunaechaos]

man i don't know why but i can't trust people who erase canon information about a character just to label them a sexuality that doesn't even make sense

[mistystarshine]

Whenever a female character is widely hated, put the blame on misogyny. However, a good chunk of fans of specific works (with certain exceptions) are teen girls and women. Is it a case of internalized misogyny, then?

Somewhat, yes, but it's also a matter of attraction.

A great deal of fandom is shipping, and people tend to be more drawn to ships that they are attracted to. No, it's not the be-all end-all, yes, you can love characters and ships that you don't find attractive and dislike ones that you do, but it adds a MASSIVE boost. You are more likely to consider ships when you find one or more of the characters attractive. You are less likely if you do not.

I'll use myself as an example.

I don't give a shit about m/m pairings unless they have strong canonical chemistry that appeals to me (or it's a REALLY well written fic) because I'm a lesbian. It is harder to make them appeal to me because I don't get the attraction boost. I will read Adamsapple fics (with a note that I am picky about characterization) because I find the dynamic compelling. I don't mind Huskerdust, but have never once sought it out. Alastor is the major ship-launcher in this fandom, but I have not and will not read any fics that dedicate a significant amount of time toward Alastor shipping (or read Alastor-centric fics in general) because I can't comprehend how people find him hot and I find what we saw of him in canon deeply boring, so there is absolutely no appeal. M/F is honestly largely the same. Constrastingly, although I obviously gravitate toward things I already ship, I will give almost any f/f ship a shot if the fic seems well written. (With another note that I am picky about characterization.) Why? Because there is additional appeal there to make me willing to give the author the time to convince me.

(This is without even getting into smut, and I don't think I need to explain the importance of attraction there. All of the M/M or M/F smut that I've written was as a gift to a friend or because the narrative demanded it. And guess what? The f/f I've written (on a burner account that ya'll will never see) was way better.)

The majority of fandom is women. The majority of women are attracted to men. So guess what? Attractive male characters and m/m pairings get most of the attention. And guess what else? Female characters often get in the way of m/m ships, which provokes hate. Especially around younger fans who might not be experienced enough with narratives to be able to get a female love interest out of the way without demonizing them.

If you want me to say that female characters just aren't as well-written as men, it's not going to happen. There are PLENTY of male characters who are flat as cardboard yet get tons of adoring fans and fandom doing the work to flesh them out to hell and back. Just look at Hux in the Star Wars fandom. There are plenty of extremely well-written female characters who are ignored in favor of the most prominent bland hot man. And yeah, it's because they're hot. And maybe it's a bit of misogyny too, but... from what I've seen, a lot of attention comes from attraction, and when it comes to female characters, much of the hate comes from ship wars that people don't want to admit are ship wars. Plain and simple.

[saltyaro]

[Image description: The cover of the 5th book of Aromantic (love) Story. It features a drawn woman in a red tank top, a white skirt that hides her heels, and red high heels shoes. She has her hands on her hips and looks confident.]

You know what I forgot to do? That review on the 5th and last tome of aromantic (love) story. For those who weren’t aware yet, I’m not going to keep the suspense going on any longer: yes, it is safe, no, the heroine doesn’t end up as a straight woman. That’s already a victory in itself, so now all of you can go ahead and buy it if it’s available in your country ;) 

The actual review is under the read more, it’s not spoiler free so!

So, Futaba (the main character) tried dating to see if she’s able to develop romance, or not. The person she chose to do so with of course knows about it, and they’re actually both trying it to see if they can understand romance. Futaba still can’t imagine romantic attraction outside of sexual attraction, which frustrates her, because she *knows* allo aces are a thing so obviously, sexual desire isn’t necessarily linked! The viewpoint of her (straight dude) partner-in-crime is...well, not surprising at all, actually. His opinion is that romantic feelings are born of, on one hand, wanting the other person’s happiness, while also wanting to possess them and keep them all to yourself. 

This is, well. A very Straight Man™ way of seeing things, but, on the other hand, this point of view isn’t limited to them. (I promise, I’m not going to ramble about how it’s scary that society puts such a violent feeling as the most beautiful and important. Not on this post at least)

Fun note, at least for me, you have the classical “guy is sick, girl brings him medicine” except...Futaba gives him the medicine and just. Leaves. I love her. Well, she ends up going to his apartment, but that’s where her being aro really stands out. Usually, in a basic romcom, everyone’s flushed, and it’s annoying. But Futaba is aro, so she isn’t embarrassed, she just sees someone she cares about being sick and wants to help. She’s very natural and stoic about the whole situation. It may seem like a detail, but honestly I find that so important!

She explains that, when she was a teenager, she avoided men as much as possible (to avoid romance) and I relate. So fucking much. I don’t know if any of you did the same, but with my parents bugging me about boys, I just avoided them as much as possible (with a few exceptions). I didn’t feel unsafe around men yet back then, so I know that’s not what it was. 

She explains she was afraid of creating misunderstandings, and ended up not using the world “love” at all because of that. I relate to that so much too, I’m trying to heal from that, and I think it’s important, really important, for us as a community, to learn to separate love from romance. Anyway, this kind of struggle that just...hinders your vocabulary options is really a shame, and I’m glad to see a character mention it (and not be shamed for it!).

Are you ready for some Hetero Bashing™? Because Futaba reunites with her friends and they talk a bit. The Straight dude (Kyosuke) asked Futaba to think about marrying him, and she’s a bit “huuuuuh” so she talks about it to her friends. Friend 1 is like “well, you don’t need to be *in romance* to get married. I have friends, a straight dude and a lesbian, who got married by necessity” and Futaba expresses that she never thought such a thing would happen to her, she never thought of marriage being an option for her. Friend 2 they says that it’s the contrary for her, impossible to avoid the idea of marriage and children, despite not wanting either, because it’s been so ingrained in her head. “you know, the “to perpetuate the specie” argument, like having descendance is every human’s mission...”

And the friend 1 says “ah...the perfect exemple of a notion made by straight people to validate their point of view!” and I love that?? I mean, in general, even in the larger queer community, we’re dancing around the argument, finding proof that there are non-straight animals in all species, and all. She then adds “If reproductions is *that* important...then rich single people could have a ton of kids using articifial fertilization and bingo, they’d have contributed to society’s well-being!” Friend 2 is like “uuuuh, that would raise ethical issues” to what friend 2 answers: “Personally, I kinda reaaally don’t care for lessons of morality from a society that considers sexual minorities and childfree people as useless. If we consider that humanity will necessarily go extinct one day, then mating to reproduce is nothing but a useless cycle”. I really like that take which’s why I *had* to share it despite it being so long to read haha. 

Futaba is surprised by her words, so friend 2 explains that friend 1 is worried that a straight guy is going to steal Futaba from them, and she doesn’t want to be abandoned. Friend 1 is bi but that’s a very aro sentiment here tbh. 

(Straight bashing, over)

You have the usual meeting with the family...god, how realistic is that, you see your aunt and uncle you haven’t seen in maybe years and the only thing they’re interested in, is whether or not you’ve found a romantic partner. I swear, I got annoyed for the character cause it’s so true. She’s bothered (and I am too) by her grandma’s affirmation that everyones gets married someday. I hate that, it really, really annoys me that I supposedly can’t be free to make my own decisions! But she also knows that it would be useless to explain to her grandma that her words are paternalism, so she lets her be. Because she means well, and maybe that’s the worst thing about amatonormativity and its assumptions...that the people upholding those mean well. 

The manga also touches (rapidly) on Futaba feeling of guilt for not being sincere with her family. Her parents aren’t pressuring her to get married, but she knows that seeing their only child, still single, and over 30, is sure to make them worried (especially given she’s not exactly wealthy). I can’t express how much I love seeing a character like that, she knows what she wants, but there’s still this lingering feeling that keeps you from feeling totally at ease, regardless of how much confidence you’ve got. It’s only natural and nothing to be ashamed of. 

I think one of my favourite moments of this book - maybe of all the serie? is after Kyosuke’s friends remotivates Futaba by, basically, telling her to do what she always did, fight out of spite, even if that means to accept to sometimes take hits (this happens throught the phone). Kyosuke says to his friend, that he would never have neeb able to say such things to him, and his friend answers that love blinds him, and prevents him from seeing what she really needs. To that, Kyosuke doesn’t answer, and his friend understands immediately and says “That look...maybe you actually nurture this self-deception.” 

And I love this moment because, for Futaba to be happy, she needs to be single, and free. From him, and his expectations of romance, because even though he knows, rationally speaking, that she won’t ever feel the same, he still wants her, and still wants to be the one at her side - when no one should be. Not in a partnership way anyway. He’s actually choosing to ignore the rational part of him because he still hopes for her to make the difficult choice, and stay at his side, because it’s not really that he wants her to be happy but rather, that he wants to be the one to make her happy, which is of course, extremely selfish and possessive. I love that it’s just laid here, without ambiguity. What’s great also, is that the straight dude in romo realizes what he’s doing, even if he tries to ignore that. Later in the manga, Kyosuke thinks to himself that he couldn’t help but hope that she would concecede, yield, and accept him, despite knowing that’s not what she needs, and knowing that’s not the way you build a positive relationship. I...don’t know if alloro usually know they’re doing such things? I don’t know what’s worse, to be confident you’re not doing that shit when you’re doing it, or to keep on doing it even though you’re aware. 

On a sidenote, I really, really like that she got boosted by the least expected person? They don’t like each other, they’re more or less at each other’s throat most of the time cause he’s sexist and unsentitive, but in the end, he was touched by the anger in the beginnings of her work, and it built a sort of...professional trust between the two of them. Like, those characters won’t ever be friends, but there’s still that little place of trust between them, it’s a delicate portrayal of ambiguous relationships. 

Basically, what ends the manga, if the end of Futaba’s own manga (the romantic comedy). And I really like the outlook she has on it, at the end of her 2 years and a half of work. Even though she didn’t want to write such a thing, in the end, she met a lot of people thanks to it, and, through challenging her own vision of relationships and romance, she finally managed to complete her certitude in herself and who she is. I think that’s a lovely parallel. 

It also ends her questions, and she rejects Kyosuke (I usually can’t help but laugh when a Straight man gets rejected in fiction I’m an asshole I know). Their conversation is really lovely after that, and challenged the expectations of partnership. Kyosuke asks her if she would have accepted his proposal if, like one year ago, he didn’t feel anything towards her. And her answer is no. She did think about it, imagining their marriage as a fake straight couple, and how she knew that, while it would have asked concessions and sacrifices from both of them, they could have been happy.  But what she needs isn’t some stability based on renunciations, but ton confront reality, so she can live in agreement with herself. 

Also, the moment after her choice, loneliness and worry strike her, and she acknowledges that feeling, because it’s okay, it doesn’t mean she made the wrong choice. It will pass. 

The younger guy who’s also in romance with her, interestingly enough, resolves the situation in a very mature way. He asks her if she’s found her answer, when they’re about to part ways (he’s no longer her assistant), and she says that, yes, she doesn’t feel romance - and he thanks her, for having endured his weirdness all this time, and bids her farewell. And we then have his thoughts - while his decisions, to act that way, was difficult for him, he did so because it was the right thing to do and he realized that insisting would have bothered her. That was nice. The situation is weird for Futaba too, because, as his senior, she kinda felt responsible for him, protective maybe? And she’s a bit overwhelmed by how much this kid’s grown. 

There’s an epilogue of sorts, and we can see that Futaba decided to entirely live while being true to herself, which also means making some changes. 

To conclude: I really liked this serie! It’s nice to see a woman over 30, finally embracing herself - despite having gone through doubts, even at her age - after making sure she was right about her feelings. She’s, well, asexual I think, but it’s the aro part that matters to her, and really has an influence on her life, the ace part is more of an afterthought. It’s also nice to see a nonamorous aromantic woman! Aro women are already hard to grasp in our amatonormative and migogynistic society, so a nonamorous one probably even more so. 

It was overall a really nice experience, I’m not going to say everything was perfect, and her aromanticism is the topic of the story, but Futaba is also her own person and this is never downplayed in favour of talking about her identity. Definitely something too rare and, as such, very enjoyable. 

[targentis]

answer them **all.**

DAMN OKAY! these r so hard to answer i hope youre happy KJDFNGKSDJFNDKFGSJ

Your favourite non-canon ship?

COFFEE WOLF, I GUESS. it’s canon to us though. um. god this is a hard question. Doc/Ramirez from Skies of Arcadia i guess!!

Is there a ship you didn’t like at first but ultimately started shipping?

TONS BUT IM DRAWING A BLANK RIGHT NOW. Alfonso/De Loco. yes. that’s one. thanks Din

What is the rarest rare pair (that you ship)?

help all my ships are rarepairs.......Des/Nils is probably the rarest. no that’s not true bc i got all my friends on board with this. ok. closest one after that is like...trans lesbian Bloom/Emmy then. eGDKFJGN

Name a popular ship you don’t get the appeal of.

Akechi/Joker...........don’t tell anyone but i have the tags for that ship blocked dfjgkhdfgk it doesn’t make me particularly uncomfortable or anything it just doesn’t appeal to me and i’m tired of seeing it so much

What is your most fluffy + happy ship?

Lunivas/Butter :] (For Now.)

What is your most angsty ship?

UUUUUUUU. GODS UM.....how about VinceDes. thats pretty angsty bro. i think they’re just mostly angsty independently though ejrhdgjhdf

A non-canon ship that should be canon?

dude, Wrightworth. it’s like basically canon already Capcom just needs to like stop being cowarDS DFKGNDFKJGDF

Your oldest ship; the one you’ve shipped for the longest time?

NOT SURE. Alfonso/Ramirez is a pretty long-running ship i think. Wrightworth too but i think Alfonso/Ramirez is older by like a year. 

What ship represents the kind of relationship you’d love to have?

VinceDes. ;]

Is there a ship that makes your skin crawl?

unfortunately, because i am in the Layton fandom, yes. for instance, all the Desmond ships with canon characters, bc they are all like. family members. euughghghgjahgahuggg,ghf,h god

What is a character you can only imagine in one particular ship?

not Ramirez that’s for surE DKJNDFKJGDF probably uhhh Randall......he belongs with Henry and that’s that on that!

What is your favourite canon ship?

hehehe...Nico/Kastor/Vlad!! 

Name a ship that deserved more content.

all the rarepairs bro. every gross artist who has ever drawn like d*sl*y or something owes me coffee wolf content. ESPECIALLY gross artists who draw d*sa*ro and interact with my posts. cough cough. pay up You Know Who.

Is there a ship you feel gets undeserved hate in fandom?

i don’t know any ships that get hate period cause i no longer subscribe to weird fandom drama...but i know of One ship that gets Deserved hate, which is Ramirez/Galcian. i’ll never stop shitting on it never

What is the first ship you had?

ugh. in order to answer this question i had to try to remember the first fandom i was ever in, let alone the first time i ever cared about romance. soooooooo...i think it was Seth/Jynx from my ex’s story Fantasy Fulfillment??

Is there a ship that made you realise something about yourself?

yes there is! a certain ship made me realize i had a second Des canon...

Is there a type of ship you always go for?

IM LIKE NOT BIG ON SHIPPING ANYMORE SO THIS IS HARD TO DETERMINE i just kind of...find my favorite characters and then put them together bc sexy. also sometimes characters will have undeniable chemistry and i’ll be all like ok legally i just Have to ship them. see: Din/Ade.

Is there a ship the writers have ruined for you?

every canon ship in Skies of Arcadia. the writers of this game do not know what chemistry is. Enrique/Moegi sucks, but they have so much POTENTIAL to be a good pairing, but this was not shown at ALL in canon, and i’m SALTY.

Is there a ship the fandom has ruined for you?

Akechi/Joker probably...fandom didn’t do anything wrong per se i just. like i said before i’m just tired of seeing it dkgjhdg

Have you ever created fan created content for a ship?

yeah tons!! i am a Content Creator bro i will not stop

Favourite thing you’ve ever created for a ship?

this VinceDes Valentine’s Day project i’ve been working on for the past four days!! it’s like my favorite thing i’ve ever created PERIOD bro

Is there a ship you’ll never admit you have?

hmmmmmmmm. do my old Hetalia ships count? DFGJDNFG

Have you ever started shipping a ship because of the fans?

YES ACTUALLY! speaking of my old Hetalia ships, i used to ship Japan and Canada SIMPLY BECAUSE i went to an anime convention and these two cosplayers said i looked like their lovechild. i took a photo with my “parents” and it was my phone wallpaper for like two years. i’m so sorry for talking about that stupid anime but like that’s still an important memory to me

What is one scene you want to see happen for all your ships?

HRNNHNH. KIS

I there a ship you wish you didn’t know existed?

You Know Exactly Which Ones.

more recently though...Miles/Franziska?????? like sigh i know of COURSE it exists but like. idk i Just found out about it and i wish i could unlearn that fact.

Name a ship that ended like you wanted it to.

Nico/Kastor/Vlad.........if you want good content you have to make it yourself!

Name a ship that deserved better in the end.

LAYTON/CLAIRE. FOR FUCKING REAL

Is there a character you have several ships for?

Ramirez from Skies of Arcadia........he can just Get It.

What is the ship you ignore 98% of canon for?

ENRIQUE/ILCHYMIS. I JUST THINK THEYRE HOT THEY NEVER INTERACT IN CANON

Is there a ship you like but you dislike the fandom?

lol wym i dislike all fandom. eKJDGFN ummmm??? no i can’t think of any right now??

[stolen-kisses-pretty-lies]

Before I begin: warning for discussions of abuse, rape culture, rape and just a whole shit ton of my personal issues, including some internalized biphobia.

So I’ve been having a lot of bad thoughts lately and since I don’t want to put this on any of my mains, I’m gonna spell out some of my emotions here and hope it helps me cope.

So... I have been traumatized by fear mongering. I internalized the hell out of the “anyone at any time may rape you and you would be at fault if you did anything but say no and fight back and even if you did that it would probably still be your fault” culture that surrounded rape and rape discussions when I was growing up. “That shirt/skirt/dress will distract the boys. Who knows what it might make them do. Don’t drink at parties or something bad will happen to you.” Yeah, I noticed that if “something happened” it would be my fault for not taking every precaution I possibly could, and that fucked me up. A lot.

I’ve been dealing with internalized bi-phobia because of the “men are dangerous to you” rhetoric they fed me as a child for years. Literal years.

I have been identifying as a lesbian, knowing full well I was not a lesbian (I’m bi), because I was Afraid of being attracted to Men, because if I’m not attracted to men, then obviously if a man assaulted me, that would be rape. Because I’m not attracted to men.

I experience intermittent sex repulsion, mostly towards men, mostly because of this fear of being raped/assaulted. It’s irrational, but you know what else is irrational? Telling a little girl not to be friends with a boy because he might hurt her. Telling a teen girl that not fighting back means you wanted it, so you better fucking fight back. Having cleavage showing means you’re open for business, and anyone can look and if you let them look you’ll tempt them and make them do evil things to you.

People do bad things. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or what your orientation is. “Being careful” doesn’t guarantee you’ll never be raped. Telling people that dressing provocatively invites provocation is correcting the wrong behavior.

But I digress. I have all these fucked up feelings about men and I deal with them in exactly two ways.

1) hypersexualizing myself and whatever man I’m into that day.

2) completely rejecting any and all sexual content/context/behaviors for myself.

These have manifested in 2 ways. This blog that is obviously the hyper sexual part, and several other blogs where I don’t take nsfw requests, don’t write nsfw things and don’t reblogs nsfw content are the rejection part.

I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to shake this dichotomy.

I used to chalk it up to being asexual (which I am) and we can’t control what makes us horny, but it’s more than that.

I don’t get turned on by the idea of someone assaulting me. I think I just said how paranoid the very idea has made me about men. I rejected an entire part of myself for years because of this fear of assault. But I write these fucked up situations where men are taking advantage, so what gives?

Well... I’m writing it. Me. I am. I have complete and total control of the scenario. I don’t like it, I stop it. I rewrite. I delete. This portrayal of romanticizing what in real life would be repulsive behavior isn’t romanticisizing. It’s taking back power over my fear. I acknowledge that in real life some of my kinks would be Not Okay and downright Illegal without properly negotiation. But I don’t want this shit in real life. Even if I did, it would be consensual, and well planned out and safe for me and the other person/people. I have struggled for years with self hatred because “If you’re so afraid of rape why are you writing it?”

Because it’s not rape. That character isn’t a real person, that perpetrator isn’t a real person. I have all the control. I have all the power. I am owning something that scares the shit out of me and making it my tool for self expression.

The entirety of opposite-sex sexual interactions have been ruined for me by the fear of being attacked by the opposite sex. I may be romantically interested in men, but without some serious therapy I will never be able to be in a healthy relationship with a man. And I take responsibility for that. I have decided not to date men. I’m still bi. I still occasionally want that sappy romantic life with some random dude who catches my interest, but that relationship would be unhealthy and not gonna lie, possibly abusive on my end. Because I’m self-aware, but I’m not too proud to admit that I fuck up and am occasionally a slave to my emotional brain and say and do things that repeat patterns of abuse that I have experienced. I would like to believe that I know enough to know better than that now. I’m also an intelligent human being and know that I’ll make mistakes.

I don’t feel safe around men who are romantically attracted to me. I never have. I feel actively in danger around men who are sexually attracted to me. I can’t control that. I can control my fiction. I can control these scenarios where I take that attraction that I perceive as dangerous and I make it work to my benefit. Instead of being afraid in this fiction I write an experience that is enjoyment, pleasure, from one of the things I fear most in the world.

And fuck anyone who tells me I shouldn’t be able to write it because it’s “problematic.”

The anti- movement is really grinding my gears as of late, and I keep trying to brush it off because in my little fandom circles “they’re not talking about my ship” and “I’m not the bad one.”

But they’re talking about this. They’re talking about what I do. If I posted ever on this blog, or tagged anything ever on this blog, some of them might have already come for me.

The stuff that makes it onto my blog is the stuff that I want to let out. I set it and forget it. Let it loose and I’m free. My fantasies of sitting in bed with a woman who loves me while we watch some show/marvel movie/other media together? I keep those. I want to keep those. I want to keep remembering them. Because I want that.

When I write and post the shit that would be fucked up if it happened to me irl, that gets it out and leaves room for the good stuff. The stuff I want. The hand holding and the secret sharing and the love.

This blog is pure sex because it has to be. Because I can’t express my fears in any other way. Having control makes all the difference. I make it so you have to actively be looking for nsfw content to see my writing. And you have to ignore all my warnings at the front. Before you can say that you interacted with content you didn’t want to. So this shit about how I’m “endangering the children?” No I’m not. In fact, I take far more care than I should have to to keep my content out of young impressionable minds. Because I have been that young impressionable mind. I know that parents aren’t keeping track of the things their kids do on the internet. And I blame my parents just as much I blame the parents of any random kid that shows up on my blog. It’s not my job to be safe for kids. I’m not safe for kids. I’m a grown ass woman. I have grown ass woman issues and I would never Ever talk about those issues to a kid. But if I’m talking to another adult and a kid comes in an eavesdrops on me when I’m in a space that I have outlined as being not for kids, it is not my fault when that kid hears what I’m saying. I’ll be sorry they did, but it isn’t my fault. “Think of the children” is the same argument religious purists use to push anti-gay rhetoric and all sorts of other fucked ideologies. Think of the children is not an argument. It’s a false equivalency. It is not my job to police the media other people consume. It sure as hell isn’t yours. If you have kids, then yes, you should steer them away from things like my blog. But I don’t. I will never have kids. The very idea repulses me. So stop asking me to be a parent for someone else’s.

I’ve been going on forever, and I don’t care, because it feels good to let this out. It’s been festering for weeks.

I’m taking a stance: I’m antianti, I’m pro ship, ship and let ship, screw fandom policing.

Fiction is my outlet, and you can pry it from my cold dead hands, but you’ll have to kill me first.

[lightsandlostbells]

The greatest gift Skam France has given me so far is that I can’t help but see Daffy and Imane as Angela and Phyllis from The Office when Phyllis managed to take over the party planning committee from Angela.

Good: I like the girl squad.

Less good: Contrivances that come with doing a close remake.

Clip 4 (post-cabin return)

Yann saying some “not like the other girls” bullshit is aggravating but I mean … it’s very much something a teenage boy would say. I’m not really going to hold it against him. Character flaws are good. Also, if I’m being optimistic about the show, you could say they’re going to knock down all this “girls are superficial” crap with the formation of the girl squad and the power of female friendships, so potentially it’s there on purpose.

On that note, I want to give the remakes the same trust I had in Skam at its best; the thing is, I’m not sure it’s earned it yet, because it’s such a close remake that I can’t actually get a sense of this production’s own values. If the series were to write a new season about Daffy or Alex or Yann from scratch, what would it be like? The one thing Skam France has really done to build some trust on its own merit, IMO at least, is cast more POC; other than that, their choices have made me trust them less (not casting actual teenagers is the biggest one for me). Skam broke the audience’s trust in certain areas, but it also did a number of things right that created the trust in the first place. People were disappointed in S4 partly because S3 had handled so many sensitive issues well. Anyway, this will be easier to discuss later in the season as it is still early.

Emma smiling after Yann compliments her is the most I’ve liked her so far and the most natural the actress has seemed, as well as the most chemistry this couple has had.

Clip 5 (Manon and Emma in Spanish class)

I like Manon. She has a different vibe from Noora and seems a bit softer and less sure of herself, whereas Noora seemed outwardly confident and outspoken. Noora was confident enough to correct the teacher and Manon was all “I’m just trying to be nice” (although lol, mentioning that Emma didn’t do her homework is throwing her under the bus a little).

Here’s a minor example of how scene flow and motivation sometimes seem muddled, though. In the original, Noora rescued Emma by being all, “Here’s the mistake you made, teacher” and Eva was like ???? How did you know that? and Noora explained that she lived in Madrid. Whereas in this version, this is like …Manon speaking very good Spanish, from what I can tell? But not presenting herself as an authority like Noora did, but it’s still treated as this thing that needs an explanation. Like maybe Manon is just gifted at Spanish? That’s not exactly unusual. But I might be missing some other context lost in translation, I’d like to know if there’s something I didn’t notice (like IDK, Manon’s Spanish accent is different from the one typically taught in French high school Spanish classes). It’s not a huge thing, just something that seemed a bit off.

Not trying to start a ship war or anything but Noora/Eva was way way WAY gayer in this scene. Remember when Noora was talking to the teacher in defense of Eva and Eva stared at her as if she’d seen the goddess of her dreams? Remember when they looked at each other afterwards and there was a ton of eyes flitting down to each other’s lips? That was a thing that happened, very blatantly. The whole “Eva wants to be friends with Noora” thing was SO much more drawn out, over the first three episodes and ended up having a bunch of parallels to the later canon couples on the show (Eva stalking Noora’s Facebook vs. Isak checking out Even and Sana checking out Yousef). Like by all means, board that Manon/Emma ship and set sail, I can see it from Manon’s end, but nothing came close to Eva’s heart-eyes. H!

I mean this is throwing down the gay gauntlet to Skam France. Bring out yer lesbians.

This is not a substantial comment at all but I am in love with Manon’s white cardigan.

Clip 6 (girl squad UNITES)

Okay, I wanted to talk about this clip in particular, because I went back and rewatched the scene in the original, and I was really impressed at how good Julie’s directing can be. I think we know she can pull off the big showstopper moments, but she’s also great at getting the little details that you don’t even think about until you’re actually analyzing the scene. Conversely, there are parts in the remake that come across as contrived.

I was a little worried about Daphne/Daffy in the first episode, but I liked her more here. “Liked” in the sense that I felt better about the actress, not that she was at her most likeable here.

So the introduction of Imane to the group.

The original scene does something where Chris enters and is in the frame on the left and says, “This is Sana, she wants to be on the bus” (paraphrasing) and then the camera slides over the empty space to reveal … a Muslim girl. There’s kind of an element of surprise which is certainly how Vilde reacts; I don’t want to speak on behalf of Norwegians, but I wonder if it wasn’t done for the audience as well? Considering the attitudes about Muslims and russ not mixing in S4. (I mostly just want to mention this shot because I think it’s effective. The remake makes Imane immediately visible next to Alex.)

Vilde is instantly taken aback and appears to eye Sana up and down. Her first question is to ask how Sana and Chris know each other, which in this context doesn’t seem like friendly small talk, but disbelief (”how could you two possibly know each other?). Her obvious discomfort and the sudden tension is what I think makes Sana reply sarcastically about meeting at the mosque. Then we have the incredibly awkward moment of Vilde asking whether Sana can participate in russ as a Muslim. She never actually accepts Sana into the group during this scene.

In the remake, when Alex asks if Imane can join them, Daffy’s discomfort is less obvious (it’s there but it’s shorter and less pronounced from an acting perspective) and she says yes. Yes, she also says a bunch of dumb shit 10 seconds later. But the first thing she says is agreeing to have Imane on board. That should immediately set a different course for the scene, because even though Daffy is being ignorant, she is at least superficially accepting Imane into the group. Her asking how Imane and Alex know each other is therefore not quite as hostile in this context, but Imane makes the same comment about meeting in the mosque. So … did Imane manage to pick up on Daffy being uncomfortable anyway because she’s used to microaggressions? Because she figured a bunch of white girls would instantly question why a Muslim girl wanted to be involved? Or is she just making a joke by way of introduction? All of these are plausible explanations, but this is part of the problem with doing such a close remake. You end up keeping the dialogue and events the same even when the execution - the directing and acting and staging - doesn’t really flow or match. I don’t need to be force-fed explanations for why someone says or does something, but I also am not sure much thought is going into some of these interactions besides “it happened in the original.”

Just a note about the directing: In the original scene, after Sana is introduced, Julie puts the camera behind Chris, and has Vilde keep looking over to her, both for guidance (”can you help me out with this situation”) and in a “why did you bring her” sort of way. It’s a pretty interesting choice that adds an extra complexity to the scene; it’s not just this racially tense conversation between Vilde and Sana, it’s also adding the silent conversation that Vilde is trying to have with Chris and taking note of that relationship. Especially I think Vilde does feel stupid after Sana makes the comments about the mosque and the stoning. I mean, she was being ignorant and I can’t say I feel bad for her in this moment. But Chris is her best friend in the group, the only one she’s close with so far, and Chris is loudly and obviously laughing at a joke make at Vilde’s expense. Chris has taken Sana’s side, in a sense, making it a sort of betrayal to Vilde. How could you invite someone like that to be on the bus with us, how could you laugh when she’s making fun of me?

The remake doesn’t have this extra layer in its direction; it’s shot in a pretty straightforward way, the conversation between only Daffy and Imane, really. And that doesn’t mean it’s bad, but it does show how different directorial decisions can add subtext and layers in the smallest of ways.

There is a more lingering shot of Daffy toward the end, which does not bother me nearly as much as the lingering shots of Lucas, because a) Emma is sitting there anyway and b) it’s not revealing anything we couldn’t have guessed about Daffy’s state of mind from her dialogue and attitude in the rest of the scene, while the bits with Lucas hint at something that he’s hiding.

OK, I have to mention this, too. Does Imane go to parties? If so, wouldn’t it be likely one of the other girls would have seen her at some parties? Especially for Daffy who would surely see a Muslim girl and go “does not compute.” If not, then why does she want in on this one specific party all of a sudden? It made sense for Sana to want in on this specific cultural event, that has a lot to do with proving herself and tying her Norwegian/Muslim identities together, and saw the girl squad as an opportunity to be on a bus when Pepsi Max and other groups would likely reject her. It makes less sense here for Imane to … want to be popular? If she wants that, then what was she doing before to achieve that goal? Is this a new aspiration of hers and if so, what motivated that change? Does she just want to make bank on this party? But overall, it’s just murkier why Imane would want in on this random party, especially a party thrown by the school losers. Unless she just wants friends, which is fair enough!

All of this could potentially be really interesting if they explored it. Maybe they will have Imane talk about her reasons by the end of the season. And honestly, if I hadn’t seen this story already, I probably wouldn’t question it at this point. My issue is that I get the feeling they’re not going to account for this shift in motivation and just do a shallow find+replace on the situation without taking into account the different context.

That said, despite all of this, I loved Imane right off the bat. And Alex!

But like … garr, the setup of the whole hitting-on-Lucas gag is SO much more contrived than in the original, like Chris was actually standing there while Vilde was talking to Eva. Isak was sitting directly in front of her. Her flirting fit the scene while this other conversation between the girls was happening. Alex is super cute and charming and if you look at it charitably, it’s a nice establishing character moment? But less charitably, it’s an attempt to shoehorn in a moment from the original even when the blocking and directing doesn’t fit. (It reminded me of Julie’s comments in the script for 3.5 about how she changed the locker room scene because of the way the room looked, and the blocking made it difficult to film what she wrote, so they re-did the scene. I hope they feel free to do that here.)

Clip 7 (girl squad PLANS SOCIAL DOMINATION)

I don’t have much to say about this clip because it felt like a bit of a non-entity compared to the original. The original clip felt very much like an establishing scene for Sana as a character more than anything. Sana had all the answers, never hesitated, spoke so confidently, and the longer it went on the more you were astonished by this girl, until she was nodding in satisfaction and essentially congratulating herself for a job well done while the other girls sit around her in stunned silence around their new queen. I do like Imane but because the clip was so much shorter, and felt kind of perfunctory, it lacked that specific punch. Even the way it ended, like YOU HAVE TO DUMP YOUR BOYFRIEND, felt more like a ooooOOO wacky cliffhanger, what will Emma do? sort moment, more than an emphasis on Imane.

There’s one little moment I like, when Alex and Imane are talking at the beginning and Manon looks over at Daffy who gives her this look and small smile, like it’s friendly but there’s also some exasperation and disappointment behind it, “this is not the way I imagined this going” kind of feeling. It’s the sort of tiny and subtle beat that I want to see more of in the show.

Maybe I’m missing something because I don’t speak French, or I’ve missed it in the social media, but when is this party supposed to be?  Because I thought the synopsis for the show said that they would be planning the party over the first two seasons?

General Thoughts:

One thing I will say is that it’s becoming clear that pacing matters. Not just the pacing of the clips as spread day by day, but the pacing within the clips themselves. I think part of the reason Skam felt really natural to us is that events took time to unfold, the show was not afraid to have long pauses or silences and to let moments breathe, to let tension build or realization dawn or slowly change the tone of a scene. With Skam France it’s apparent that the scenes are often rushed. They’re just plowing through the dialogue.  If there are time restraints that mean the show has to air within a set amount of time, then there was unnecessary stuff this episode that could have been cut to make room for more important content.

The reworking of the russebuss into a generic party is pretty contrived as many have noted, but I want to get an answer on when the damn party is supposed to take place before I comment further.

I like all of the girl squad so far except Emma. Sorry! I’m not trying to drag this actress, she’s just … not there. I can’t imagine her pulling off the vulnerable moments later in this season. I would be happy to be proven wrong.

The thing about Lucas is that I don’t necessarily think he’s a bad actor, but he seems like the most obviously “acting” and the least natural and so far he doesn’t quite fit in what’s supposed to be a hyper-realistic teen drama. I could see him doing a good job in a different type of production like a stage play where everything’s heightened and dramatic.

But I also saw some people who speak French be like nah, he’s pretty bad so (shrug). I do think you can kinda see him think “here’s my line” and “here’s where I hit my mark” in his scenes.

[yakumtsaki]

Take your hands off me, I don't belong to you, you see, and take a look at my face for the last time, I never knew you, you never knew me, say hello.. ♪

WAVE GOODBYE. 

WHADDUP PPL. Much like Ronroneo, we’re back from the dead and ready for a whole new generation of Union fuckery. We’re also officially.. drumroll.. MIDDLE CLASS. Our shiny new house is based on this one by frottana-sims​, which I downloaded but dumbassly forgot to install, and since loading the game takes a hot half-hour I opted for this poor recreation instead. We start the extreme home makeover with an incredible budget of..

...Yea, I see the value of getting 6 pets to the top of their careers now. Included in this insane sum is the 20k+ that Wyatt and Jojo brought with them moving in, and at first I’m worried that we’re way too rich for only generation 2. Well, careful what you wish for, cause here’s our post-remodeling budget:

LMAO. It’s as if not a day has passed since Vic started this legacy with a dream in her heart and crap to her name. Let’s check out the new digs!

Everything was purple.. his pills.. his hands.. his foyer. 

As eagle-eyed readers may observe, both the hall and the living room were designed with nothing else in mind but whether they matched our cat paintings. Per legacy rules I use as little cc as possible, which isn’t that hard since I feel this bizarre, angular and hugely impractical couch really encapsulates Jojo’s essence. Like if he was a servant in Beauty and the Beast this would be his furniture form.

Apparently the only things I deemed important enough to capture were the cat portraits, so it looks like my Komeization is finally complete! Here’s some floorplan shots tho so you don’t get disoriented in our labyrinth-like mansion. Please note our amazing pink-blue-purple kitchen! Barbie’s Dreamhouse who??

And here’s the second floor, which also illustrates the exact point I ran out of money. Honestly looking back I don’t understand how the fuck this place cost 70k?? Like nothing is particularly expensive except the amazing vintage batmobile which was around 30-40k and some of the paintings? But I guess all the small things add up in the end + I’m super bad with money..

..and I’m not the only one. Jojo GET A FUCKING GRIP and A JOB. Literally no comment @ your cat wants, you inherited the jaw, wasn’t that enough??? ANYWAY. I know the question on everyone’s mind is how is Wyatt going to fit in with the Unions.. and all I have to say about that..

..is LOL. Truly the perfect career for when your mother-in-law is a criminal mastermind and your husband is a serial killer! I mean the jokes practically write themselves. At least he doesn’t want 10 kids or any shit like that, cause I’ve seen hell and it was the result of mixing Jojo/Wyatt genes in cas.

On top of gifting us with his future-probably-fug children, Wyatt also gives us the gift of our first ever kitchen fire when he decides to make dinner with 1 cooking point. His generosity really knows no bounds.

It’s all fun and games now but Wyatt deadass almost died in the inferno and was about to take poor, stupid Komei with him, who of course ran to the fire even though he was in the yard. Meanwhile Victoria was safely watching tv and didn’t move while Jojo..

..was doing this in the next room. Two types of sims I guess!

-So Wyatt, you’ve been here for almost an hour now, burned down our kitchen and I still don’t see any grandchildren. I thought you were a family sim!

-Haha oh mom, you’re hilarious! Ignore her, Wyatt, let’s enjoy your delicious pasta.. It was definitely worth almost dying for.

-Your mama is right, mon cheri, not only do you have an obligatión to your famille but I rolled the want to have a bébé the second we graduated!

-Well it’s still gonna be there when we aren’t broke, Wyatt, god!

-But.. bébés, mon cheri! Tons of bébés I can have but never interact with, in typical famille sim fashión!

-UGH thanks a lot for opening this gate, mom. If only you had found your love of children when I was living on cat food.

-Well it’s different when they are your children, everyone knows that.

-THAT’S NOT WHY PEOPLE SAY THAT MOM

-Honestly, Jojό, I’m prouder of taking down your répugnant suitόrs than I am of graduating with honors!

-Aww Wyatt <3

-And if I have to souffrir through a childless existence to be with mon amour, so be it (:

-Aw- wait what?!

-Really, c’est bien, Jojό, marriage is all about compromise, nό? I mean, not that I would know since we’re not even married yet!

-Wyatt we’ve been here for 3 hours.

-My point précisément.. C’est bien though!

-Can’t believe I’m saying this but I really regret murdering Ti-Ning. 

That makes two of us, Jo. Honestly even Francis would be better than this. Family sim spouse??? Tf was I thinking. 

Ah, some things never change <3 It’s a new day and someone very special passes by our lot..

UGH NO not you asshole, once again delivering bills at the worst possible time.

-Miss me bitch?? Lolol

ONE OF THESE DAYS DAGMAR. ONE OF THESE DAYS ISTG

No, it’s mismatched beard townie, whose regular outfit is simply iconic, and he’s waving at me! What a sweetheart! TAKE SOME NOTES DAGMAR YOU FROZEN-FACED FREAK

-Umm he’s actually waving at me, moron.

-WRONG, he’s waving at me!

Ok it literally doesn’t matter who he’s waving at. 

-Well c’est moi. 

OK WHATEVER WYATT GOD. Just go off to work in a position you’re criminally unqualified for and try not to die ok??

-Why would I mourir?

Hm let’s see, maybe because you’re a ‘SWAT Team Leader’ straight out of college with a shocking lack of skill points?? Jfc college degrees in this game are so fucking op it’s legit making me resentful of my sims.

In other news, major dicks Sophie and Victor have started constantly beating each other up and the only thing surprising about this development is that it took this long. Honestly these fights are peak #TeamNoOne. Please note Alegra who continues to give 0 fucks @ the bloodshed. What a gal <3

Burning with religious fervor, fundamentalist nutjob Sophie emerges victorious!

-I WALK WITH GOD BITCH

Tears. Literal tears. Victor is the most unbelievable creature I have ever played.

-The rampant violence in this house is a violation of human rights! I AM OUTTA HERE

Literally still cannot believe this happened, like the sheer NERVE is killing me. Victor has started every fight he’s ever been in for an astounding total of 40-50 fights, and as you all know he almost always wins. Like this one was what? The fourth one he lost?? AND YET HE RUNS AWAY LIKE HE’S THE VICTIM I HATE/LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Meanwhile this happens which, of course. Leave it to me to finally get a chance card right for the only sim who doesn’t even deserve the job he currently has.

..Police Chief Wyatt reporting for duty! And crime increased 80% overnight. 

In actual good and not lawsuit-waiting-to happen news, Wyatt brought Amanda, Vic’s only friend/lesbian crush with him! Amanda has the distinct honor of being literally the only non-Union non-Jojo person Vic has ever genuinely liked and hasn’t had an affair with. YET THAT IS.

Man, these are some fat fucking flies. I’m talking 10 plagues of Egypt teas. 

-I KNOW, where the fuck is Komei, what are we paying him for?

-I’m over here honey, talking to my least favorite son for the second time in my life, since apparently he’s sticking around.

-Yes, thanks for requesting a recount of the heir vote, dad. I will remember it when I decide where to scatter your ashes. 

-I TOLD YOU I WANT THEM MIXED WITH THE CAT LITTER 

Ugh Komei, please stop trying to bond with your son and do something productive instead-

-like finally convincing Neo to bang Sophie. She has refused 3 TIMES because there’s a rule I have to earn kittens by suffering. I mean Alegra refusing to procreate with Victor made sense, it was Victor, wtf is Sophie’s excuse? Waiting for marriage?

ABOUT TIME

YAS. CAT GEN 3 ON THE WAY. Human gen 3 will have to wait till I’m in the mood to deal with screaming infants aka it might take a while.

The science career FINALLY SHOWS UP after 5 fucking days, jfc. Love how Wyatt’s dumb ass started as a swat team LEADER but Jojo who has half the skills maxed starts as a science teacher. Also love the idea of Jojo as a teacher in general, I mean just imagine having him teach you science in high school. I would literally drop out.

Jojo returns from work, brings this rando with him and doesn’t get promoted. We can’t all be Wyatt I guess! We’re not completely broke anymore tho so..

It is time.

Gunther, Melody and Max Flexor on one side..

Craig, Brit Brit, Ti-Ning and Daniel on the other. What a bunch of assholes, Craig obviously excluded. Remember him? I invited him because he and Jojo are still semi-friends thinking he wouldn’t show up and yet here he is! What a good guy. 

-It’s at moments like this, watching your high school boyfriend get married.. that you really get to thinking..

Awww.

-..there but for the grace of god go I.

Less awww. You’re not wrong tho, definitely dodged a sociopathic bullet..

..not everyone is that lucky. WE GET IT WYATT YOU’RE CRAZY AND IN LOVE

-Mon bien adoré, I vow to aimer and honόr you and not cheat on you again or at least be more discrete about it <3

-And I vow not to kill you and feed you to the cats for as long as we both shall live <3 

Ah, true love, you guys. 

Too bad half our guests are inside dancing-

-OR HAVING COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE AND UNTIMELY THOUGHTS. TI-NING SERIOUSLY GO TO HELL. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU HOW DARE YOU

Well at least Vic is excited which is more than I can say for Gunther who is literally LOOKING THE OTHER WAY. 

Time to cut the cake with the sky as our only witness, since everyone has taken a plate from the buffet and fucked off inside. Seriously WORST GUESTS EVER 

Not one to be outdone by his guests’ questionable behavior, Wyatt takes the time to remind us who he really is. 

-And n'est-ce pas forget it!

Despite all the obvious problems, like one of the grooms literally going to sleep, our party score is ‘good time’ which is a truly rare and exciting occurrence. With less than a minute left I’m feeling pretty confident that nothing can ruin this wedding!

Weirdly no one has touched the champagne even though sims in general are obsessed with it?? My best guess is everyone is at a loss for words at having to toast this union and who can blame them tbh. Thankfully Daniel steps up and I find it super sweet because I’ve forgotten that he and Wyatt are mortal enemies and it’s only by chance they haven’t beaten each other up on this instance like they have countless times before.

-Let’s all raise a glass to my beloved brother, Jojo, who generously woke up to attend his own wedding reception! Just one of many examples of his fine, giving character. Too bad he’s committing his life to a complete waste of space adulterous loser like Wyatt, who I’m not even convinced is really french, since his ability to speak and understand english fluctuates according to convenience. Man, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but this choice in spouse is just too tragic. Oh well! To Jojo!

NOICE, still a good time. SO CLOSE

AND YET SO FAR. Goddammit do you two mind killing each other on your own time and not literally 10 seconds before our wedding ends??

-DIE WHORE, THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO STEAL MY MAN

-THAT’S MY LINE SLUTBAG

-HA! ZUMBA, BITCH

-Wow, so glad I woke up for this, really got my bloodlust going! 

Indeed a roaring success if there ever was one. I mean how can this night possibly get any better?

.............of course.

Oh nice, I remembered to install an alarm for once! I’m also desperately trying to wake up Wyatt thinking that he’s fucking CHIEF OF POLICE so he might prove useful in this situation..

..especially since we get this cop of a completely untrustworthy Bieber hairstyle. Talk about striking fear in the heart.

Sadly it turns out that Wyatt could not give less of a shit that we’re getting robbed and picks this moment to head for wedding buffet leftovers-

-while Bieber cop prevails! This robber is awesomely named Russ Bear btw and I wish that was my name, sounds like a slavic medieval folkore hero. But I digress. Please prepare yourselves because our first robbery is about to take a dark turn.

-Ehh, you get at a certain level on la force, you just become desensitized to la criminalité..

-Oh don’t worry Wyatt, I totally understand.. I mean I’ve robbed so many houses in my time, I hardly blink anymore..

-So it looks like you and I are not so different after all.. ;)

.............

.....................

............................why. why has the universe chosen me for the greatest suffering the world has ever known. i try and i try but incestuous relationships just keep sprawling like mythical strangler vines. i bet this wouldn’t happen to someone named Russ Bear. fml

[docholligay]

Silverleaf 3: Secret Lesbian Pineapple

The next installment in the Silverleaf series that Ben is sponsoring on Patreon! If you like this, please let him know on this post (Also me, let me know.) All of Silverleaf is here!

As it happened, Haruka was the one who had cleaned her living room most recently, and so it was Mina who made the brave journey down the hallway, past the nasty cat in 309, and delivered herself and Haruka’s beloved oversalted alfredo sauce to her warm and cozy apartment.

It was not very big, but Haruka had done it up nicely, with Mina’s help. The couch was long enough for her to comfortably stretch out on, and a large basket of soft afghans purchased from thrift stores rested under the side table, and could usually be found to have a small grey cat sleeping in it. Her small kitchen had her favorite mugs hanging under the countertop. She had deep cereal bowls and money enough to fill them.

It was not fancy, but it was hers, and it was here she found contentment.

It helped that it was hard to feel lonely, with a friend to bring Italian.

“So like…,” Haruka wound the pasta around her fork, twirling it in the bowl thoughtfully, “you were saying earlier, about the orchestra teacher…”

“Haruka,” Mina looked over at her and slurped a noodle through her lips, the edge of it jumping up and hitting the edge of Mina’s mouth and depositing a splash of sauce, “I know you watch a lot of movies, but this is nuts.”

Haruka leaned over and brushed the sauce off Mina’s mouth with a napkin. “What the fuck do you even mean?”

Mina gestured dramatically, reenacting her story. “I mean, you get these ideas in your head that the quiet princess in the castle needs to be saved by you, butch knight in shining armor” She withdrew a sword from the air and gave a chivalrous grin,” from the dragon, and then at the end you two go to prom together and we all jump in the air at the end as an upbeat song rolls over the credits.” She punctuated it by jumping up from the couch.

Haruka scowled “I don’t--”

Mina grabbed the sides of her face. “Haruka, sometimes the girl IS the dragon, and that’s what’s going on here. I’m trying to help you.”

“She sent me fruit.”

“What is that, lesbian code?” Mina gripped the sides of her face harder and glared into her eyes.

“No,” Haruka murmured through fish lips, “Like fruit...on the counter”

Mina whipped her head around and looked at the partially eaten bouquet. “Sinister. The butch’s natural affinity for snacks is a clever trap indeed.” She jumped over the back of the couch, walked over and examined the strawberries.

Haruka turned around, resting her arm on the edge of the couch, “Not to say something fucking crazy,” her cat jumped up and nuzzled her, purring, “but maybe she’s just being nice.” She turned her attentions to the cat. “Mousie, baby, Aunt Mina’s losing it, isn’t she? Yes she is, oh you’re a good kitty.” She kissed Mouse on the head. “Muah muah muah muah.”

Mina shook her head. “Hey remember when you thought you were tough, wasn’t that a trip? Where’s old yelly Haruka when you need her?”

It was a joke, but in the way Mina often joked, it was not a joke at all. Haruka had been made of stone, and in the way stone often does, she had nearly shattered under the blow of her destroyed Olympic dreams, and nearly split by Yuki’s leaving. She had grown back a softer and more organic thing, but Mina was used to worry, now, and she privately wondered if Haruka’s life might have a three strikes and you’re out policy. She’d struggled so hard after Yuki left. She hadn’t dated since.

The way she had been in college was, Mina realized, likely more fragile than she was right now, but it was easier to deny it, when Mina didn’t have to see the mood shift in her eyes, when she could ignore Haruka’s slumped shoulders when she thought no one was looking.

Befriending a lesbian was indeed an undertaking, and possibly a mistake.

It was up to Mina to protect the princess from the dragon.

__

Michiru took a delicate bite of the lemon pastry, and dabbed at her lip with a napkin. “I’m not entirely certain how my greeting a new instructor affects you in any way, shape, or form.”

Mina sat down at the table in the lounge and pointed her finger at Michiru. “Just stay away from Haruka with your secret lesbian pineapple shit, Kaioh.”

“Are you interested in Haruka, Miss Aino?” Michiru looked at her with a sly sideways glance, a delicate smile playing across her lips.

If Mina had been looking, she might have noticed Rei, in the corner, listening for the answer in a way she might have described as subtle, but even Usagi stared at, and she might have delighted in such. But Michiru’s high crimes distracted her from this temporary joy.

“I am EXTREMELY interested in Haruka,” Mina leaned forward over the table, eyebrows furrowed, “and you--” she stopped herself and stood back up, nearly tripping over herself, “Oh god, that’s not what you mean, oh god, not like that, no, no.”

Michiru gave a low, disapproving hum. “Then why, praytell, are you so exceptionally interested in whether I do or do not pursue her?’

“Because I am interested in her welfare, and there is a long list of women who you’ve made miserable. This school is a fucking monument to your chewing people up.” She pointed a finger, and stuck her chin in the air, “One may smile and smile, and be a villain.”

“Forbear to judge, for we are sinners all.” Michiru smiled her sly smile,  “I’m quite sure that individual from the Shakespeare festival might attest to that, at the very least.”

MIna scowled. She hated Michiru. She hated an assortment of things about Michiru, each as unique as chocolates in a box. That she could go Shakespeare for Shakespeare with Mina.  The way her voice lilted in a way that seemed to be passing judgment, even as she commented on the weather. That she matched Mina in beauty and in conquest. That she saw things as they truly were. Perhaps that most of all.

“Listen this isn’t about me. Besides, they were--”

“Somehow complicit in their downfall, and you are innocent and blameless, yes, that seems correct.” She folded her napkin, the pastry finished, and elegantly rose from her seat. “In any case, Haruka is an adult woman, and she can do what she likes, with whoever she likes, and unless you two have an arrangement of which I am not aware, I am not required to ask your permission to show her a kindness.” She picked her purse off the table. “I shall take my leave. Rei, if you did, after all, want those tickets, you may as well come get them from my office.”

Rei nodded, still looking at Mina with her mouth pursed, as if not deciding whose side she wanted to take in this argument and so simply disapproving of them both.

“I have my eye on you, Michiru.” Mina called to the door.

“Excellent, that will give you a marvelous view of my walking away.”

Michiru, for her part, was a bit insulted. There were a number of presuppositions Mina had made about her, first being that she had intended for all those relationships to ever be serious in the first place. She wasn’t entirely certain how other women’s inability to read the seriousness of the situation, or lack thereof, could be taken as her fault. If a woman had ever impressed her, she would have stayed.

She had dated the English teacher for two months, for example. That was hardly a trifle.

She and Rei continued down the hall wordlessly. They had worked out a strange friendship, over these years, and while Rei enjoyed Michiru, she was never quite certain that she understood her. It seemed as if she should be understandable, and yet it eluded her in a way few things did.

“Michiru,” Rei looked over at her as they entered her office and Michiru took the tickets from the desk, “You have a ton of dates,” She indicated to the calendar on the wall, where Michiru’s fine script noted her social engagements, “Why do you care? I mean Hanuka or whatever her name is, isn’t really…” she gestured into the air, as if Michiru would suddenly see that Haruka wasn’t worth the trouble it caused in the teacher’s lounge.

Michiru was quite annoyed to discover she had no ready answer. Why did Haruka interest her so much? There was a certain level of blue-collar slumming to her, but it would hardly be Michiru’s first dalliance with such a thing.

“The point is not Haruka herself,” she decided, “but rather the principle of the matter, Mina thinks she is the highborn tyrant of the entire Arts department.”

“Yeah, but I mean--”

“Although I know you are terribly fond of her.” Michiru smiled knowingly, and the remark had its intended effect, Rei turning the hot red of her shirt and stammering, thrown deftly off the trail.

Rei sparked like a toaster in a sink. “Oh, I am not, she makes all these things up and YOU saw her at the festival going home with whoever the hell that was,” Michiru picked up her violin case and continued to listen to Rei prattle, secretly pleased, “anyway Mina is not my type even a little bit, even at all, you know, I’ve always said you and I should go on a double date with someone from your circles, that’s much more my type, I think we both know.”

“Why, of course, Rei, how foolish of me.” Michiru touched her shoulder. “Enjoy class, I’m off to lunch.”

They said their goodbyes, Michiru relieved that the strangeness had passed. It very likely was Mina’s influence that made Haruka so terribly fascinating. She was just a girl, as they all had been, and Michiru liked new things, and to be denied anything on any reasoning was anathema to her very soul.

She rounded the corner and Haruka was there, bag slung over her shoulder, Pikachu lunchbox in hand, headed for the lounge. There was a certain sway in her walk that drew a smile across Michiru’s lips, that strange mix of boyish womanhood that had charmed her since she could first remember being charmed by anything at all.

“Why, hello.”Michiru purred.

Haruka stopped, a silly grin on her face. “Afternoon!” She held up her Pikachu lunchbox. “Practically ate half of it I was so nervous.”

“Well,” She stepped in closer to Haruka as the bell rang, “How fortuitous.I was wondering, if you might accompany me to lunch today.” She smiled at Haruka, holding her violin case in front of her. “I have completely neglected to bring anything, really, I am helpless.”  She gave a self-depricating laugh.

Haruka smiled and shrugged. “I guess, if you want me to come.” Any warning Mina might have given her had gone from her mind, carried away on the gentle tides of Michiru’s soft teal waves. “I could use some. And it’d be...nice to get to know someone, here, at school. You know, I have lots of friends of course, and dates, and, but….anyway, yeah, let’s go.”

“Delightful. I do insist on treating, you know.” They walked side by side down the hallway.

“Oh, you can’t do that.”

“Oh you must allow me! Then I might have cause to collect, later.”  She flipped her hair and the full weight of rose and jasmine filled Haruka’s nostrils.

Haruka laughed. “Okay. If you say so.”

Down the hallway and around the corner, behind a thick oak door where girls sat, practicing lines, Mina looked up from her desk, alarmed. “By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”

[thatstoomuchinformationyo]

Oh. Man.

Being a writer and comedian gives you a little bit of freedom in that you’ve been given the balls to get out there and share some of your life’s disasterings in a way that maybe someone else is very much able to relate to and then they maybe feel like less of an outcast, or “bad” person.

Maybe they have shame surrounding some aspect of who they are (for whatever reason), which is totally normal, although just so unnecessary.

My wish is for everyone to enter the “no shame zone” and party there with me but then that would require me to stop being such a judgemental asshole and that’s just not going to happen but I can at least attempt to try.

It’s been my experience that differences should be celebrated and also everyone should come to the understanding that differences are what make you unique and then also your differences are probably a lot more common than you think.

Are you a dude into dudes or a chick into chicks? You’re basically one of the coolest people on the planet right now. Own that about yourself. Don’t back down, don’t be ashamed.

Do you think that homosexuality, while certainly adorable and dare I say hot in some cases (if you’re not watching gay porn, I don’t know what to tell you) is just simply a personality disorder? Well welcome to Unpopular Opinionville!

Are you ready to be shunned?

Do you realize your unpopular opinion really does suck, so you do your best to ignore it and then in the meantime do you pretend to be gay when needed and/or to be cool depending on the situation? I don’t see the harm in that. Some actually gay people might get pissed at you, although hopefully they just think it’s funny.

They actually are cooler than you.

Have you ever rejected a guy because either his looks or personality just were not going to work with you so then he told everyone you were gay versus even attempt to accept the fact that maybe he was just a little abrasive or just too much of an asshole or alcoholic for you to look past? Maybe you shouldn’t be so superficial but then also, shit. happens. Just go with it, it’s easier! I told some friends I was into lesbian porn in high school (I was!), the rumor will spread itself.

Have you ever really cared about a guy but a way more commanding gal was into him and, like, who are you to stand in the way of love? So you just get the fuck out of the way as best and quickly as you can because first of all you’re probably(?) dodging some kind of bullet but then now you’re obviously a lesbian because that just keeps happening over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until there are just zero guys left?

TBH it’s much less of a hassle to just wander off alone than attempt to fight someone for another person. That seems very fucked up to me. People aren’t property. Also, don’t let people just use you to get out of their own bullshit relationships because you just end up getting your feelings hurt and still alone. It is a stupid waste of everyone’s time but mostly yours.

I think really the only issue with just saying you’re gay because it’s just easier is that if you are pretending to be a certain sexuality to pander, or to just go with something, or to try and get something for free, or because everyone just thinks that about you so you just don’t even care anymore, or to get out of having to deal with someone or something (I mean the list of reasons goes on and on), is that if someone takes you a little too seriously and they come at you and then you gotta fucking cut a bitch.

“Uh, whoa. That’s a little aggressive I think you need to bring it down a notch.”

I know, you’re right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

“Oh, I do, but I’m not quite sure you’re ready to hear it.”

I can take it.

“I think you might be a Republi...”

Republican. Yeah. I know.

Anyway, speaking of, mental illness is also a huge thing that people are sometimes ashamed of when they shouldn’t be. If you don’t yet have a mental illness of your own, just give it some time.

You will develop one or you just don’t realize yours yet.

It’s a badge of honor and you’re courageous as fuck.

“Well what’s your mental illness?”

That is a completely valid question to ask me because, as I mentioned earlier, I am a comedian and writer and I am going to loudly proclaim to you my flaws, experiences, and mental illnesses on my neverending quest for a punchline so do secure your safety restraints.

Just a suggestion when dealing with people who do not have the desire to immerse themselves in the performance arts: Although mental illness is in no way something to be ashamed of or feared, try your best not to force someone to come clean to you with a diagnosis just in regular daily life because, again, there are actually people out there who do not have an interest in the performance arts who may wish to keep their private and personal medical history private and personal.

That’s totally a thing. That’s why HIPPA laws exist.

So, back to me:

I have body dysmorphia. Autism has also been placed on the table however I’m not fully ready to accept that. Also, just to be clear, Autism isn’t a mental illness, but it can be just as frustrating to deal with.

Body dysmorphia is pretty out there. I don’t really know what to say. Some people with this disorder get tons and tons of plastic surgery in an effort to someday be comfortable in their own skin.

Some people with this disorder actually take the time and effort to learn the ins and outs of the human body so they can physically take thier body to certain limits with diet, exercise, or drugs/medication in either an attempt at suicide or to try to find a way to be content with their appearance.

Do you personally relate? I have a tip for you: Do not get your weight loss amphetamines from online Mexican or Canadian pharmacies because you will fuck up your brain either temporarily or permanently and that is a waste of your time.

I will say I do have a few select friends and family members who were “gracious” enough to see that I got mental health treatment about a decade ago so I could get a diagnosis (the wrong one) and get “life-saving” medication (the wrong one) which definitely exacerbated my actual concern pretty exponentially there for a few years however I’m back on track. My medical knowledge has only grown so I could not be more preoccupied with what direction I want to take my body next but at least people can be assured that I’ll live through it.

Quick Note: A lot of people with body dysmorphia spend time with various eating disorders. Some eating disorders mimic other mental illnesses almost exactly depending on the severity and if drug use is involved.

What fucking insanity would you come up with getting down to just a few hundred calories a day coupled with endurance workouts that should cause heart failure while dabbling in herb-based relaxation techniques?

You’d be, like, the surprisedest!

What I’m saying here is that we are all in this together and we should be embracing each other versus ostracizing. I swear to christ the FBI can come raid my apartment for amphetamines right now I am fresh out.

Have I used this knowledge to relentlessly make fun of an uncountable number of mental illnesses? I have. I apologize to those I have offended. I only did that because I understand what you’re going through. I genuinely do. I’ve seen/heard/thought it.

The very first time I tried starving myself for as long as I could, just to see how long I could stand it, one of my stuffed animals winked at me. That’s fucking scary, ya’ll! Scary enough to scare you into not doing that again versus attempt to be rail thin? Hey, the jury’s still out and I understand that’s not good.

Have I feigned or highlighted the symptoms of a specific mental illness or issue (trauma response) to try and navigate a complicated or threatening professional or social situation? Yes. Have I completely neglected to deal whatsoever with several significant actual previous traumas? Oh, yep, that too.

That makes me a dramatic cunt who refuses to deal with things sometimes.

There’s unfortunately no cure for that.

In all honesty if you’re fortunate enough to have people in your life that care about you to the extent that they simply must discover what your problem is be sure to tell them that you remember your first beer too and then just blog it publicly.

Also, if you have a friend just really going through it, I understand that you might want to share your drugs with them or help them find shelter or even provide shelter if they can’t even right now.

Believe me I understand.

Here’s the deal though: Your friend may or may not be a walking Merck Manual and sometimes when you’re helping you’re actually inadvertently hurting and/or making worse what could be better. Also, sometimes you can have all the best intentions in the world in helping a friend in need and then you end up putting yourself in dire straits because you gave up too much of your own shit to deal with someone else’s shit.

In conclusion: If you survive into adulthood things get more and more complicated. That’s ok! You got this. Everyone else is just as terrorized as you are.

[theadhdace-blog]

“Wait, the A isn’t for Allies?”: Part 1 - The Privilege Check TM

(okay, yes, shut up, I don’t know how to make the trademark symbol happen on an iPad)

tl;dr I have passing privilege and experience significantly less systematic discrimination for my orientation/the way I present. That gives me responsibilities when interacting with and advocating for/defending the lgbtqia+ community.

HI INTERNET, I’M ASEXUAL AND PANROMANTIC

Yeah, I know, you never would have guessed from my blog header. But exactly three people know this in real life, so it’s fun to feel like I can, like, all-caps yell about it.

But in figuring out that asexuality is even a ~thing~, I’ve a) learned a lot about both the aspec community and the queer/lgbtqia+ community as a whole and b) done a lot of soul searching. Do I fit in one community? Both? Neither? If I do, how? Where is my place? What is my role? As a white, cisgender woman in a relationship with a white, cisgender man (I know, I know, but please stick with me...) obviously the FIRST responsibility I have is to WHAT?

check. that. privilege.

If I am to participate in the lgbtqia+ community, discourse, Pride, etc., I HAVE to be aware of the fact that, while I definitely have struggled because of my sexual/romantic orientations (see Part 2, ~coming soon to own on VHS~) my struggles are not the same in type or degree to those of nonbinary folx, trans people, polyamorous people, or lesbians/gays, to name just a few. And while queerness isn’t a pissing contest of who has it worse, or a game of misery poker, intersectionality is key. I can’t enter a space made to protect and nurture those society shits on and expect them to do emotional labor on my behalf. No ma’am. So while the points I’m about to make may apply to other pan/ace friends, they are not meant to be representative of every pan/ace person’s privilege/lack thereof.

*There are significantly, drastically fewer systematic injustices/abuses toward me. I happen to be romantically committed to the embodiment of American privilege right now, a cishet white guy. I can openly walk down the street with him, I got married to him, we own a home together, and people expect us to have children (the fact that we don’t want them right now is a privilege itself - we are childless by choice, not because of any biological factors or systematic discrimination). Society as a whole didn’t bat an eye about ANY of these things. I don’t have to worry about getting fired or denied services, funds, or housing based on who I love right now. And if I were single, I still wouldn’t have to worry, because being ace doesn’t really leave a paper trail (if I ignore the pan part).

*I have passing privilege that affects my interactions with individual people as well. No, there’s not one way to look to correctly be femme/masc/gay/trans/etc., but the people who cause grief for lgbtqia+ people tend to think they can tell someone’s orientation by looking at them. This creates tons of abuse for some people and erasure for others, as well as being fodder for jokes and microaggressions. But because I present primarily the way society as a whole wants to slot “femmes” into and I am cisgender, I don’t get bothered. Nobody asks if I’m in the right bathroom, commits physical violence against me, or hurls verbal abuse at me that is based on my orientation (catcalling and sexual assault yes, but that’s usually a sexism/woman thing for me - again, that will come up in part 2, because a subset isn’t).

I’m sure I’ll think of more, and there are details and nuances I may not have mentioned. But these are HUGE factors when considering how I do/do not fit into queer spaces. These mean that my time, energy, and resources are much more available than those of more marginalized and discriminated-against folx, no matter what label(s) they have. Which in turn means, in my interpretation, I have a much bigger responsibility to advocate, to educate, to protest and fight for the rights of the lgbtqia+ community and societal change than do people without my advantages. I do feel like I should have less responsibility/burden than those considering themselves straight cishet allies, though, which I’ll get into in Part 2. But do I truly have a place in the lgbtqia+ community? Can I celebrate at Pride? It depends on who you ask, and not many people seem to be asking me or those like me to be part of that conversation.

Edited to add:

Obviously my ace/pan experience is very different from that of someone who is also gender non-conforming in one way or another, is a POC, and/or is disabled AND/OR is in a partnership/relationship with anyone who is, or that of an ace/pan person in any relationship that doesn’t read as heteronormative.

Also, checking my privilege includes being open to discourse and learning from others with different experiences. It means remembering that pushback from those more marginalized than I may not be personal/acephobic even, but like “reverse racism” - I embody and benefit from a lot of characteristics they see in their oppressors. Am I listening? Am I being respectful? Am I making sure they feel heard and understood as to their discomfort/concerns about my inclusion/participation, and considering how our experiences differ? This is not to say blatantly acephobic language should be accepted or tolerated, but that I should take with a grain of salt what does or doesn’t qualify as such.

[thevulernablepreacher]

Energy Healing-Read it Anyway

Inspiration is a God thing. When it hits my mind is on fire. It courses through me. I LOVE it. Rarely am i somewhere i can write it down as its happening. I’m on the toilet or driving..recording doesn’t help. I forget i recorded and have zero to negative patience for listening back.

I read Lean Dunham’s piece on her breakup this morning when i woke up b/c it was front and center in my Instagram feed. IT’s gross how addicted I am. i had been looking at her photo’s lately, wondering if she’d broken up. I sensed it. The energy surrounding here screams it. She’s been looking so clearly sad behind what looks like attempts to put on a strong and happy front . 

Someone wrote a reply saying so. I wanted to annihilate that person. I cannot tolerate the ease with which other people decide they're on an intimate enough basis to say this kind of shit to pepole. Of course she looks sad you ignorant fuck; you think she doesn’t see that or know that? She’s a fucking creative genius living in her emotions at every flipping second. So that’s not a helpful reflection.

I hate the word trigger but that comment clearly did just that to me. But that’s not at all what i want to write about.

What happened when i read that was that i fell in love with LD again. She blows my mind. She is an INCREDIBLE writer. She can talk about shit that we all talk about and experience in a way that no one articulates it. She has this special sauce ability with language to get into the nooks and crannies like a Thomas’s English muffin,  so deeply descriptively. 

I fell in love and i was jealous..so fucking jealous. I want to write that well. I want to be that fucking famous; not for fame sake, but i think maybe for the flow of cash (so i could work from an Adirondack chair) and for people desiring to hear more from me and thus paying gigs would fly in..a beautiful viscous cycle.

I had a mind blowing energy healing session yesterday and one of the things she said to me was, “I can just imagine your next speaking gig when you show up completely authentically; how powerful that will be.”

Well, i had that next gig this morning. I had to read  a “purpose and overview” statement to my networking group at 7:15 am. i wrote it last night. I took two bowls of ground curried lamb topped with black salt, and three cups of chamomile tea get it good and done. It took probably an hour and 1/2 to complete. I love it and its torturous.

I read it this morning and i will tell you i was amazed at my sureness confidence. No longer is my voice shaky when i speak. I”m finding that to be true in my speaking club group too. I just feel right; strong, upright, grounded. I was listening to myself and i thought, “God, this is really good.”

I was speaking to a room full of humans of an incredible caliber. They are all seasoned vets, with solid truly “successful” and thriving businesses. More importantly,  they are also stellar humans. 

Interestingly there’s a lot of lesbians in this group. We have the woman who brought Title IX to Yale, back in the day. She was also the first female plumber in the state. She’s unbelievably awesome. We have an amazing acupuncturist and a landscape architect to die for: all lesbians. Amazing, so cool. 

And in terms of men; stellar men. Incredible to be able to say that; and its true.

One of my mentors and fav’s among uttered, “wow” when i finished reading. Another caught my eye from a distance, beamed at me and gave me the thumbs up.

They’re all human of course, even though i pedistalize them (constant challenge for me). They've al made  gaffs in the building process. I of course LOVE to hear about them. Nothing more fulfilling than hearing about stellar fuckups made by people i so admire. It takes a ton of come to Jesus moments, courage and perseverance to create a business, build it, hone it and nurture it constantly. Beyond belief.

The first thing i thought when sat down was: “is that what i’m supposed to be doing, speaking publicly”? The answer is yes. I’ve known this ALWAYS.

That question came this morning though b/c my energy healing session was about clearing a blockage between my solar and lunar chakras. She said she’d never seen a more perfect and equal imbalance. she was psyched and I was psyched. she cleared it. 

The imbalance was making it impossible for me to live my life’s purpose. 

I knew exactly when the imbalance came in. It happened after the best six years of my adolescence. And ironically i have been through 6 years  physical pain, illness, total annihilation of feeling like Emily. So the six year thing she thought was incredible. I guess the jig is up.

What i learned: ANYTIME one has pain or feet issues it is because they are having Lunar issues. FASCINATING to me! Can you imagine if we all did energy healing instead of taking pills or having surgery? WTF!!!!!

Anyway a part of me got scared when she talked about showing up now authentically.  Could i do that after mastering looking like i was showing up authentically so well? What would that feel like?

I talked to her about how I am able to create great intimacy, make people laugh, connect, when i speak publicly. So I am living my life purpose..sort of; the blockage part is that i keep the all at a 5 feet distance. 

She asked about friendships; which ironically my former therapist asked me recently through an FB chat we were having. I said i have them; very close one’s but i never see them; any of them. it’s always been a source of great pain.

I don’t have daily intimacy. It makes me so so sad. You know those people who command the stage and can’t bear talking intimately with a group? I’m not that person. I have very intimate interchanges and time with close friends ..but it’s far from often. And when i do I then go home alone, and spend inordinate amounts of time alone.

Some of that is okay..but id prefer less at this point. Pain and illness have made that alone time grow; but it has been there since as early as I can remember.

And while i would love a best friend/partner who makes me laugh and with whom i can go to the movies, hang out, talk about nothing and everything with; i also stay away from it b/c i think it would suck to be with someone who has such intense forward and backwards and ups and downs..id be afraid of bringing them down and of becoming dependent upon them.

I know. I have a fear of true intimacy. I come by it so honestly it’s beyond.

I blocked off from true intimacy b/c performing was exhausting; performing in real life. i learned in my house that revealing all of me was going to receive very intense judgment and rejection.

Ive had two long term lesbian relationships. They were both abusive. Im so different now; that would not happen. And i think the right person will show up when the time is right; but i keep feeling like that may be close. I have a great curiosity as to what that will look like. It will be something i’ve never known before. This much I know.

I’m writing all of this b/c during the energy healing session my feet were buzzing. Afterwards i was able to walk in my adidas flip flops with the nubs comfortably for the first time in months. I was elated.

I thought...this shit works.

I talked about my very clear image of myself in my 60′s galavanting all over the globe with a partner having the time of my life; pain free; joyful, healthy. She asked that i write about the crazy creative that i was at Far Brook when i was a kid; when i was encouraged every day to be as insane and out there as I could possibly be. 

My surrogate grandfather Mr. Finckle, would sit in the back of the hall while i did this larger than life evangelical thing. He loved it. My friend Donna would play some soap opera music and gospel music and i would just go. If I was watching myself now i think i’d find it hilarious. I was off my rocker in the best possible way.

I did this every day all day for 6 years. I laughed straight for 6 years. it never occurred to me to button up or quiet down. My music, humor, authentlic prowess, improv gifts were living LARGE. It was a magical creative faucet turned on and flowing at full force.

That’s me. That’s my essence. 

I remember being at a visual art opening this past winter  at a crystal gallery (yeah, really). I was being told as the artist was playing her violin. That not only did she create art. she was clearly a musician, and a writer. I thought: Jesus  this art is hideous; but regardless, she has as show and is playing her music at her show and people are here loving all of it! WTF.  And i thought, i too am a musician and an artist..and used to produce on full throttle. What happened to her?

So this morning...i was wondering after i read that piece: “was i being authentically me?” I know i was talking to a bunch of  business people...but i think i was being me.

Im working on that really consciously now. I told my energy healer that really me is kind of messy looking and tatted abundantly. I wasn’t messy enough today for sure. And i would LOVE a few more tattoos.

I walked by a  woman looking like an artist coming home from yoga yesterday. She was disheveled and nothing matched. And i thought she was stunning. She made me feel completely at home. She was a huge reflection of me at my most creative self. She would have been floored had i told her how much i loved her look.

So i am trying to button down  big time; to be me in the realm of business and the real world..and watching; seeing what that might be. 

I write all of this because i left my networking meeting early. I was in a fuck load of pain. My foot is not healed. My knees were killing me. another part of my foot was really hurting and i though omfg i think i restrained the right ankle area again..this is of course not the left ankle that is always stressed and restraining if i have the boot on. 

A couple of people asked me why was there if i was in pain. I was completely flummoxed and searching for the answer. Why was I there when i was in pain?

Because i didn’t want to be in pain; because i thought i’d be okay. Because i rarely cancel on business things. Lately I'm cancelling more and not feeling guilty.

I was so fucking mad at my pain this morning. I told people i was mad, over it. Tired of shelling out cash like an ATM to heal myself. O.V.E.R. IT!

I get to say that. I so get to say that.

Im over the shame and i’m over the isolation it causes..i do everything in my power to heal. I seek every possible Western and alternative person on the planet..and still I am in  pain. 

I’m also confused and not sure how to proceed. I’m not good at figuring it out.

And because i’m me, this is what i think: There is something that i am not getting. There is something about my souls path that i am not answering. 

That’s why i ask: “am i supposed to be speaking and not building this business?” Logic to me, and the inner voice says, “yes, that’s right.”

My life should flow. My life can flow. My life is not flowing. 

When i’m in pain its really hard to be positive. Someone used the word “positivity” today at our meeting..a visitor. No one in our group would use that word. I wouldn’t be in a group that did. I would be throwing up all over the group if that was the case. I can’t stand that word. 

It’s complete bullshit. You have to get the core of your shit to feel positive..i think i’m at my core. I cannot stand “words or quotes of the times”..horrifying.

I also wonder: "If i start speaking publicly will my physical pain just go away?”

I’m an unbelievable magical thinker. So i think that’s what the universe is waiting for. 

For today i will wear my cool blue Bomba’s peds with my Adidias flip flops b/c for some reason that seems to ease the pain a bit. I think it’s just because the feeling of the nubs takes over.

I have no cohesive ending here; i’m just ending.