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[thatstoomuchinformationyo]

Oh. Man.

Being a writer and comedian gives you a little bit of freedom in that you’ve been given the balls to get out there and share some of your life’s disasterings in a way that maybe someone else is very much able to relate to and then they maybe feel like less of an outcast, or “bad” person.

Maybe they have shame surrounding some aspect of who they are (for whatever reason), which is totally normal, although just so unnecessary.

My wish is for everyone to enter the “no shame zone” and party there with me but then that would require me to stop being such a judgemental asshole and that’s just not going to happen but I can at least attempt to try.

It’s been my experience that differences should be celebrated and also everyone should come to the understanding that differences are what make you unique and then also your differences are probably a lot more common than you think.

Are you a dude into dudes or a chick into chicks? You’re basically one of the coolest people on the planet right now. Own that about yourself. Don’t back down, don’t be ashamed.

Do you think that homosexuality, while certainly adorable and dare I say hot in some cases (if you’re not watching gay porn, I don’t know what to tell you) is just simply a personality disorder? Well welcome to Unpopular Opinionville!

Are you ready to be shunned?

Do you realize your unpopular opinion really does suck, so you do your best to ignore it and then in the meantime do you pretend to be gay when needed and/or to be cool depending on the situation? I don’t see the harm in that. Some actually gay people might get pissed at you, although hopefully they just think it’s funny.

They actually are cooler than you.

Have you ever rejected a guy because either his looks or personality just were not going to work with you so then he told everyone you were gay versus even attempt to accept the fact that maybe he was just a little abrasive or just too much of an asshole or alcoholic for you to look past? Maybe you shouldn’t be so superficial but then also, shit. happens. Just go with it, it’s easier! I told some friends I was into lesbian porn in high school (I was!), the rumor will spread itself.

Have you ever really cared about a guy but a way more commanding gal was into him and, like, who are you to stand in the way of love? So you just get the fuck out of the way as best and quickly as you can because first of all you’re probably(?) dodging some kind of bullet but then now you’re obviously a lesbian because that just keeps happening over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until there are just zero guys left?

TBH it’s much less of a hassle to just wander off alone than attempt to fight someone for another person. That seems very fucked up to me. People aren’t property. Also, don’t let people just use you to get out of their own bullshit relationships because you just end up getting your feelings hurt and still alone. It is a stupid waste of everyone’s time but mostly yours.

I think really the only issue with just saying you’re gay because it’s just easier is that if you are pretending to be a certain sexuality to pander, or to just go with something, or to try and get something for free, or because everyone just thinks that about you so you just don’t even care anymore, or to get out of having to deal with someone or something (I mean the list of reasons goes on and on), is that if someone takes you a little too seriously and they come at you and then you gotta fucking cut a bitch.

“Uh, whoa. That’s a little aggressive I think you need to bring it down a notch.”

I know, you’re right. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

“Oh, I do, but I’m not quite sure you’re ready to hear it.”

I can take it.

“I think you might be a Republi...”

Republican. Yeah. I know.

Anyway, speaking of, mental illness is also a huge thing that people are sometimes ashamed of when they shouldn’t be. If you don’t yet have a mental illness of your own, just give it some time.

You will develop one or you just don’t realize yours yet.

It’s a badge of honor and you’re courageous as fuck.

“Well what’s your mental illness?”

That is a completely valid question to ask me because, as I mentioned earlier, I am a comedian and writer and I am going to loudly proclaim to you my flaws, experiences, and mental illnesses on my neverending quest for a punchline so do secure your safety restraints.

Just a suggestion when dealing with people who do not have the desire to immerse themselves in the performance arts: Although mental illness is in no way something to be ashamed of or feared, try your best not to force someone to come clean to you with a diagnosis just in regular daily life because, again, there are actually people out there who do not have an interest in the performance arts who may wish to keep their private and personal medical history private and personal.

That’s totally a thing. That’s why HIPPA laws exist.

So, back to me:

I have body dysmorphia. Autism has also been placed on the table however I’m not fully ready to accept that. Also, just to be clear, Autism isn’t a mental illness, but it can be just as frustrating to deal with.

Body dysmorphia is pretty out there. I don’t really know what to say. Some people with this disorder get tons and tons of plastic surgery in an effort to someday be comfortable in their own skin.

Some people with this disorder actually take the time and effort to learn the ins and outs of the human body so they can physically take thier body to certain limits with diet, exercise, or drugs/medication in either an attempt at suicide or to try to find a way to be content with their appearance.

Do you personally relate? I have a tip for you: Do not get your weight loss amphetamines from online Mexican or Canadian pharmacies because you will fuck up your brain either temporarily or permanently and that is a waste of your time.

I will say I do have a few select friends and family members who were “gracious” enough to see that I got mental health treatment about a decade ago so I could get a diagnosis (the wrong one) and get “life-saving” medication (the wrong one) which definitely exacerbated my actual concern pretty exponentially there for a few years however I’m back on track. My medical knowledge has only grown so I could not be more preoccupied with what direction I want to take my body next but at least people can be assured that I’ll live through it.

Quick Note: A lot of people with body dysmorphia spend time with various eating disorders. Some eating disorders mimic other mental illnesses almost exactly depending on the severity and if drug use is involved.

What fucking insanity would you come up with getting down to just a few hundred calories a day coupled with endurance workouts that should cause heart failure while dabbling in herb-based relaxation techniques?

You’d be, like, the surprisedest!

What I’m saying here is that we are all in this together and we should be embracing each other versus ostracizing. I swear to christ the FBI can come raid my apartment for amphetamines right now I am fresh out.

Have I used this knowledge to relentlessly make fun of an uncountable number of mental illnesses? I have. I apologize to those I have offended. I only did that because I understand what you’re going through. I genuinely do. I’ve seen/heard/thought it.

The very first time I tried starving myself for as long as I could, just to see how long I could stand it, one of my stuffed animals winked at me. That’s fucking scary, ya’ll! Scary enough to scare you into not doing that again versus attempt to be rail thin? Hey, the jury’s still out and I understand that’s not good.

Have I feigned or highlighted the symptoms of a specific mental illness or issue (trauma response) to try and navigate a complicated or threatening professional or social situation? Yes. Have I completely neglected to deal whatsoever with several significant actual previous traumas? Oh, yep, that too.

That makes me a dramatic cunt who refuses to deal with things sometimes.

There’s unfortunately no cure for that.

In all honesty if you’re fortunate enough to have people in your life that care about you to the extent that they simply must discover what your problem is be sure to tell them that you remember your first beer too and then just blog it publicly.

Also, if you have a friend just really going through it, I understand that you might want to share your drugs with them or help them find shelter or even provide shelter if they can’t even right now.

Believe me I understand.

Here’s the deal though: Your friend may or may not be a walking Merck Manual and sometimes when you’re helping you’re actually inadvertently hurting and/or making worse what could be better. Also, sometimes you can have all the best intentions in the world in helping a friend in need and then you end up putting yourself in dire straits because you gave up too much of your own shit to deal with someone else’s shit.

In conclusion: If you survive into adulthood things get more and more complicated. That’s ok! You got this. Everyone else is just as terrorized as you are.