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mimzy-writing-online · 4 years ago

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Hello. I had a question regarding your post about blind characters. I have a character in my WIP that must cover their eyes.. but it’s blind. He may need to tell people he is blind to explain why he covers his eyes though. I was wondering how I might write this character without offending. Thank you :)

I think I want to start by explaining the “covering blind eyes” trope and why it has become a harmful trope. I think understanding why it’s hurtful helps everyone learn how to handle it better.

I would guess that the “blind people wear sunglasses” trope comes from Hollywood for the specific reason of 1. wanting to signal to the audience that the character is obviously blind and 2. avoid breaking the suspension of disbelief by preventing the audience from catching the sighted actor look at visual stimuli (because disabled characters are almost always played by able actors).

But this changed the way the public expects to experience blindness. If watching a sighted actor wear sunglasses and say he’s blind is all the exposure to the blind community a person has had, that’s the only model of blindness they’ll recognize. If they meet a blind person in real life who doesn’t wear sunglasses, it’s going to break this built perception and cause an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance.

And then there is the common “cloudy-white blank gaze” that pops up in media. It stems from the fact that cataracts is the most common cause of blindness and the appearance of severe cataracts is a cloudy film in the eyes obscuring the iris and pupil. It can also alter what color a person’s eyes appears to be, making them appear paler and grey in the beginning and then as the cataract advances it becomes more yellow/brown and alters a person’s vision to appear more yellow tinted.

There are lots of other eye conditions that makes the eyes look visibly different. Albinism for instance affects the color and structure of the iris. Eyes might be congenitally misshapen. The muscles might be weak or not work and one or both eyes point significantly outward. Someone who was born blind and experienced no visual stimuli might also have weak muscles around their eyes because they never had a reason to focus their eyes on anything.

And unfortunately humans have the habit of feeling uncomfortable when they meet someone who looks very obviously different from the norm, whether that’s a personal style choice (hair color and style, tattoos, clothing choices) or something they can’t help (a visible disability, skin color, scars).

To the paragraph above, @gothhabiba replied with: “it's very weird & ahistorical to claim that racism or ableism are some kind of natural "human" trait.. like frankly it's apologia”

You’re right, I wasn’t thinking beyond that generalization or assumption.

Perhaps a better way to put it is: I was raised in a society where I was taught from childhood to think that there was only one kind of human being to be. White, cis, straight, abled, conservative. That’s a very western thing and that’s a thing I’m going to constantly be unlearning.

Racism and ableism and homophobia aren’t innate, that’s a western thing that was forced onto the rest of the world by colonialism. And because western media created this idea that the world is white, abled, cis, straight, and Christian-value leaning, it taught people to think that was the norm so that seeing someone different from that archetype would cause a cognitive dissonance, which causes discomfort.

And instead of working past that cognitive dissonance to learn more and realize there’s so much more to life than media taught you, society encourages you to ignore that cognitive dissonance by sticking your head in the sand-- or TV screen.

So combine these two tropes or common beliefs together and you get something a little dangerous: the idea that blind people cover their eyes because they look obviously different and they’re ashamed (or should be ashamed) of that.

And if you’re someone who’s just gone blind or who was born blind and you have little to no contact with the blind community, then this societal belief that you should be ashamed of how your eyes look becomes detrimental to your self-esteem and further builds internalized ableism.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve read or watched a blind character cover their eyes with sunglasses because they were ashamed of how their eyes looked. And I distinctly remember a few times where a sighted friend of the character was trying to convince them to stop wearing sunglasses because there’s nothing wrong with looking different--which is true, but it plays into this fantasy of being the perfect abled ally who saves the blind character from being miserable.

In an ideal world, the character has no reason to believe looking different is a bad thing or diminishes their worth or makes people dislike them. And if they develop this belief, it’s more likely that someone more involved in the disabled community, most likely someone disabled themselves, will set them straight. Or that the character will learn to accept themselves on their own, looks included.

But there are some perfectly valid reasons for any blind person to wear sunglasses. They might have an interest in fashion and sunglasses complete the look they’re going for. They could want to protect their eyes from UV rays while they’re outside. They may experience light sensitivity and sunglasses reduces any discomfort or pain. Those are incredibly common reasons to wear sunglasses whether you’re sighted or blind.

But there are some more complicated situations.

In your words, your character must cover his eyes. You never specified why, so my primary guess is that he has some kind of power that is unpleasant or has devastating affects and the only way to prevent it is to keep his eyes covered. My primary guess stems from this post where an anon and I discussed a retelling of Medusa, a hypothetical blinding of oneself to avoid ever killing anyone ever again, and what I think I would do if I was in that scenario.

So how do you write a blind character who must cover their eyes and avoid some of the complications?

1. Your character must always have the ability to say “fuck off, it’s my business, I don’t have to tell you why I’m blind or why I cover my eyes.”

Most blind people really, really don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty of why they’re blind and how they feel about it and what it’s like being blind with a stranger they’ll never see again or a new acquaintance they don’t know well yet. You have exceptions to that rule where sure, educating the public about blindness is a thing you want to do and you’re committed to helping your community, but I still have days where I don’t want to talk about being blind or disclose my medical crap.

And if someone doesn’t respect their right to their privacy or pushes too much, the blind character is allowed to be angry, is allowed to tell them off and complain without anyone else in the situation vilifying them or saying they’re “overreacting” and “should have just disclosed private information because big deal or whatever.” If they are angry, that’s their right, and it’s not unreasonable, it doesn’t make them a bad person.

2. Your character should not be ashamed of being blind or of covering their eyes. It is a part of their life, they’re used to it by now, even if they weren’t in the beginning.

The shame and internalized ableism is something that should be written about, but that’s for an own-voices story with a blind author. I don’t think an abled person will ever be able to understand how much society expects you to hate yourself and your disability because “being disabled is a tragic thing that ruins your life” and how that does affect your mental health, self esteem, your relationships with others, your medical care, and what kind of accommodations you can get.

3. It wouldn’t hurt to have a few sarcastic lines in response to uncomfortable conversations.

Stranger: so what’s with the...

Blind Character: what’s with what?

S: the... you know

BC: you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific

S: Your eyes?

BC: They’re... eyes

S: but you’re...

BC: Blind?

S: uh...

BC: yeah, I’m blind. *walks away*

Or this conversation:

S: *to some other character* so why are his eyes covered?

(author’s note: which, honestly, that’s fucking rude. At least have the guts to ask me yourself)

BC: If I look anyone in the eye they instantly perish.

*awkward silence*

BC: instantly.

Friend: It’s truly tragic

BC: *melancholic* that’s how I lost my sister. *chokes up* She was so young

Or this conversation:

S: Why are you wearing that?

BC: It’s called fashion Karen!

Or this conversation:

S: are you like... blind?

BC: yes?? why wouldn’t I be?? Wait, are you sighted? Are you one of those sighted people? You poor thing! What caused you to gain your sight? Do you have a car? A bike? Were you born sighted? What’s it like to see color? Do you miss not having to see

God, I want a chance to try that last one. I haven’t interacted with a stranger in almost a year. One day...

4. Honestly, it’d also be cool if someone’s reaction to your character covering their eyes was like, “cool sunglasses,” or “cool *insert random character, even one you made up* cosplay,” (which is ten times funnier if this character is a notable figure in modern society like an actor who people might cosplay).

5. You know, if he’s covering his eyes with some kind of blindfold, he should totally have custom blindfolds for his moods. Like, I have a mask that says “suck it up buttercup” and another that says “not today” because sometimes that’s the mood. And sometimes the mood is one of my floral masks, and sometimes the mood is my cat mask.

So, just some thoughts. I hope that helps.

Edit: a commenter said: “op, unless i'm mistaken this kind of reads like anon meant the character ISN'T blind but lies about being blind to explain covering their eyes? it seems like they made a typo on the word "isn't"”

So my original response to the question was based on the assumption that the character is blind. However,

If the character is not blind, then do not under any circumstances have them lie and say they’re blind to escape a mild inconvenience.

It’s better to have the character actually explain the situation or straight up leave the conversation or invent a more ridiculous lie than to perpetuate the very real stereotype and misconception that there are people who fake being blind and therefore it’s okay to discriminate or harass them if you even suspect they’re faking.

Do not under any circumstances perpetuate that stereotype. Do not harass someone because you don’t think they’re blind enough.

#blind character #writeblr #writing community #disabled character #writing tropes #trope talk #blindness tropes #Anonymous

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ladyofthenoodle · 3 years ago

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About that last ask you recieved, I saw that a lot of people are pissed off about it. Like, I get why, but I think they are forgetting what she was even saying while doing that:

"Okay that's enough, get inside your cat casket!"

(Or something close to that). Like, I am betting she didn't even notice that it was a dumpster at first. She was SOOO mad which I can totally understand, and I think that it was just put in there for comedic relief ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Moreover, if Ephemeral does turn out to be an Akumadrien episode, well, it needs build up, little by little (Not saying this is going to cause it or be a factor or something, but...yeah).

Something which did bothe me at first was how easily Marinette was able to call him over for practising with her. But now that I think about it, it may have more to do with Marinette's flaws in understanding people and judging.

Then some people are saying that the writers wouldn't have put the dumpster scene in if the genders were reversed. I get where they are coming from, but what are your opinions on it?

yeah it was very clearly the heat of the moment and i highly doubt ladybug was like “it’s fine to throw cat boys in dumpsters i did nothing wrong” and she clearly feels bad about it later as marinette, but also it was meant to be over exaggerated and funny. there’s a two fold “this is a cartoon” and also “sometimes people make mistakes when they’re angry and once they calm down they’re like that was a bad call” which is also the case for chat noir. this feels like cataclysmed concrete wall salt all over again but for the opposite side.

idk about the gender reversed thing, tbh. maybe the writers would or wouldn’t. maybe they would’ve but the network said no. it’s hard to say. but the gender reversed scene would be with adrinette, and there’s just no need for that because marinette would climb into the dumpster herself

as for marinette calling him over i think she is just convinced chat noir can’t fall for her because he’s devoted to ladybug, and since she’s not planning to tell him her identity anytime soon, what’s the problem? yes there’s a staggering level of cognitive dissonance there but look i’m here for them being complete idiots, this is great 🍿🍿🍿

#can’t we just enjoy things #miraculous ladybug #ask #ml spoilers #glaciator 2

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transhawks · 3 years ago

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So does that mean bakugou is also a abelist too and so was most of the kids in the class since you call Inko one I mean if you are going to go that far

"Go that far"

Let's unpack this because this is more than just an opinion about anime and hopefully what I write can change your opinion on a lot of things going forward in your life. Which is an opportunity I am very happy about. A lot of people really get upset when you call something "ist". Racist, Ableist, Cissexist, etc. Or the phobic words.. You get my meaning. But the upset over it shows that people mistake what is really being said because we think very simplistically about this - that everyone who is an "ist" or a "phobe" is inherently a bad person.

Why? It's due to a lot of people getting caught up in individual actions over the societal motivations behind them. So, if I was to say "every white person is racist" or "every man is a misogynist" it feels like an unfair absolute, right? Not all people are like that, right? What if someone is actively trying to be an exception? The point blank statement feels mean, right? How could you just generalize?

Here's the thing, the reason the general statement is made is because it more talks about society than individuals. What I mean is this - not every white person (in the US or West, though we can talk about other places too) is actively being bigoted, but we are born in societies that have historically (and today too!) been built and profited off the oppression or exploitation of people of color. And like in a lot of things dealing with unfair power structures, there's a lot of motivation to make sure shit does not change you know, which is why people end up, even if they don't realize what they are doing, defending things. Are they trying to be actual bigots? No, not always, and something to learn is that a lot of these ism do not equal just plain bigotry. There's always a power structure behind it, or an imbalance. So, you can find someone who is bigoted but isn't actually being an 'ist'. When a lot of people complain about 'reverse' anything, what they are usually talking about is bigotry, which is an individual action that on its own doesn't confirm or defend a power structure.

I know this is a bit complicated. It took me a few years to grasp it too, but understanding the difference is really important.

Now, let's go back to Bakugou. In my post about Deku and Inko and how Deku states how much her initial reaction to his quirkless was hurt him for much of his childhood, I did mention that Inko admitted she didn't support him. So there's no argument about whether she did or didn't because Inko took accountability for her mistake. Now, the reason she did it in the first place was because she grew up in a society that tells people quirks are their personalities.

I made a post a couple weeks ago about Deku and Hawks and being 'selected' out of their circumstances where I talk about how the Quirkless are sort of seen as lesser humans simply due to the way Quirk society has folded. You can see it the older name given to Ujiko before the changes, and in Izuku being read as 'Deku'; the implication is of wooden people, puppets, etc. Then you have lots of ranting on the MLA part that revealed that a there kid's books that teach kids people aren't always their Quirks but that this is seen as a very PC concept and not really taken in by the population. Sure the average person probably isn't a Geten level supremacist, but we see how the Fox lady was treated when she was walking outside by her neighbors, or how Spinner was bullied, even by his own family, or just what Endeavor did to 'fix his quirk'.

Inko is a 4th generation quirk owner. That means one, or more, of her great-grandparents have been quirk users. Dr. Tsubasa, upon seeing Deku, also says it's rare for someone to be like him these days, implying the statistic given to us by the manga, or the 4:5 are quirk owners, is very much based on age (I've seen people put forth it might also be location based too). Toshinori adds to this by saying it was more common when he was a kid, and he is likely in his 50s.

Okay, so that's the society Izuku is born too, right? Stay with me, I know this is long but we're getting to Katsuki right now.

In the ask that you messaged about where I explain why Inko's initial problem can be criticized, I said what she did is very similar to how parents treat children with disabilities or illnesses. Hence, why you said I was calling her ableist. As I've been trying to explain in this ask Inko may not be actively trying to be 'ableist' and bigoted, but her apologizing to her son was an issue that he felt insecure over. And that this is of course tied into the fact quirk society does not treat the Quirkless well.

You see this early set of panels? This was Deku explaining that Katsuki only began to bully him really when he manifested his quirk. Why? Because there was a clear difference in the way he was treated and the way Deku was.

These panels show Katsuki looking at Deku and seeing how he's being talked about. Children are impressionable and understand that there are these dynamics even if they don't get why. Katsuki is being told here that he's amazing, that he's going to achieve greatness, and being praised. Deku is being whispered about, pitied. They are not the same. It even goes into their teens:

Katsuki is immediately praised even if he was the one in need of rescue. Deku's actions bought time for All Might but he's seen as reckless especially when he's Quirkless. I've said in the post I linked that Deku's amazing traits - his natural skill at analysis, his quick wits and reactions, and dauntless nature are really where he shines, but until he had a quirk, that society didn't see any of that about him. This is a clear example of how much importance people place on quirks. So is it any wonder in a society like this that a little kid like Katsuki soaks it all in?

Deku also calls Katsuki a bully a few times. I'm not going to post the panels here but I collected a few so there's an absolute acknowledgment on Deku's part that he is bullied for being quirkless.

As I said in the previous ask, you can't remove a lot of these actions from greater societal trends. I also, personally, refuse to label Katsuki as an abuser because he is a child and abuse is usually a very intimate thing which is not the relationship Katsuki had as a former friend. He was, however, a bully who does bigoted things like tell Deku to jump off a roof if he wants to be a hero so he can get quirk in the next life. So, he was bullying out of bigotry and doing so out of societal norms and ideals that he has absorbed growing up.

Most children that are bullied are bullied on differences, and a lot of the time it really does fall on the same divides that as adults turn into oppressions. The children's bullying reinforces the same dynamics marginalized faces outside of childhood.

So, to finally answer your question, if 'quirklessness' is pretty much a bnha-verse disability and is treated very similarly some that we have in real life, then yes, Katsuki as a child and a tween was indeed 'ableist'. But again, this is not remarkable..I don't want to say he's exceptionally bigoted even since so much of it was also fueled by his own insecurities and cognitive dissonance when it comes to Izuku. And unlike Inko, who unconsciously hurt Izuku, Katsuki did so actively but, again, he was a child and he is capable of maturing, reforming, and learning which I think perhaps he might be heading to. EDIT: a few hours after I posted this, he apologized to Izuku so he has gotten there! Katsuki was this was because he was raised to be, so outright condemning a 16 year old for a norm doesn't really solve the real issue that it was a norm, does it?

Now, I will say for victims, it's often very hard to parse this too. Even if it's normalized, the individual bigotry of a person does hurt, and it really doesn't matter to kids that it's other kids. It's why a lot of people who are marginalized will bring up childhood memories, because we are shaped so much by our experiences as kids. But kids don't always have cognitive ability to challenge the norms and ideals around them, it's one of the biggest differences between an adult and a child. Making Katsuki out to be 'biggest bigot ever' is not what I am trying do with this ask, and it's silly to think so.

I will thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this answer. I often forget that my style of applying what seem to me very basic concepts in discussions of identity to anime analysis are not as basic I assume. Your ask seemed incredulous but it reads as someone genuinely new to the concept of societal vs individual actions, and how oppression and strata work with that. I hope that whatever you gained from this ask is something you can apply to a realize situation in the future by the dynamics I speak are real life ones, with genuine real consequences, and I'm happy I can use a manga as teaching or outreach tool. Thank you for allowing to do so.

#asks #long post #bakugou #izuku midoriya #deku #bnha #meta #my meta

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masterthespianduchovny · 3 years ago

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Let’s take age off the table, I know shocker for me, the other thing that bothers me about this development isn’t that it can’t develop into something serious without major sacrifices happening if they stay together.

And that doesn’t it right with me.

Society loves romanticizing that “if it’s true love, a sacrifice doesn’t feel like a sacrifice.”

Girls are especially conditioned with this belief. On average, girls and women give up far more for love and a relationship and a significant amount gross to resent this in some capacity. They have to tell themselves that their relationships and kids made the sacrifice all worth it. And can’t express regret at the road not taken.

It’s why the saying, “you can’t have it all” is mainly directed at women and almost never men. Because, in comparison to women, men tend to have it all. Men are less likely to give up careers or take a step back in the name of love. And, when they do, they typically have more opportunities for them than women.

And the same goes for people of color. Their is rampant racism and hiring discrimination, so Black people have to move more carefully professionally.

Which brings up to the Sam and Rebecca storyline.

Both of them love and are invested in their careers. Their relationship jeopardizes either or one both of their professional goals and desires.

The idea that they can and will get over this because “love” is so dangerous because this relationship had massive red flags and was problematic from the word go and they both knew and know that. It’s not like they dated without personal attachment, and then a professional opportunity presented itself.

No, they voluntarily entered into a relationship that can only end in disaster.

If they stayed together and went public, there is no way in hell Sam could stay on the team.

Which means Sam would be the first one to take a professional hit. Sure he could go to a new team, but we wouldn’t know where that would be, if he would have to be traded/loaned, and if where he went would even be beneficial for him as a player. There is also his rejection taking a hit, because even tho they will pat him on the ass, his professional cred will have taken a massive hit.

And, for real, what owners do you think will be okay with a professional player having that kind of access and intimacy with another owner?

Sam’s professional development would also take a hit. Remember how Sam was struggling with Richmond at first, until Ted problem solved why that was? Remember how his stats was taking a hit? Remember how ted constantly advocated for Sam as a player and utilized him in a way that was appropriate for him and, in turn, his confidence not only returned and flourished under Ted.

And we saw how Jamie reacted when his loan was terminated. We saw the difference of play and what it did for his confidence training under ted v not.

I’m not saying Sam needs ted and can’t succeed without him, however, coaching arent a one size for all. Some coaches work better for some than they do for others. Some players need certain types of coaches and only respond to one specific coach.

Sam’s development is threatened by not only losing a coach, but having to play for a new team, learn a new system, and make bonds with new players. It may not seem like it, but switching teams, esp when don’t want to, is hard on players.

Sam would be voluntarily setting back his career to be with Rebecca, which may harm him in the long run.

With Rebecca, most have noted that she’s been treated like shit in the media and, in this case, it would be rightfully so. We shouldn’t be arguing that just because Rupert’s gets a pass, Rebecca should too. We should be arguing that Rupert needs to be criticized just as much if not more for what he did. Professionally speaking, Rebecca actually deserves far more criticism than Rupert. He just ran a mediocre club, she’s unintentionally undermining it by dating a player, which reeks of massive irresponsibility on her end.

Some have argued that since Sam and Rebecca have great chemistry and this could be something great, maybe Rebecca should sell her club.

Fucking, excuse me?

Regardless of how Rebecca originally felt towards the club, she has grown to love it and has a deep attachment. She even takes genuine pride at her ownership and trying to get them to succeed.

Some are really saying that a woman should sell her club to be with a man she shouldn’t have gotten involved with to begin with? Like, I’m hearing that correctly??? (Yes, this has been said.)

So in a profession where women rarely own clubs and a professional she enjoys, is a because she should give up for love?

And if this relationship doesn’t work out, which it most likely won’t, them making these massive sacrifices won’t be “no big deal, I’m glad I took the risk.”

It would be, “what was I thinking selling my club/fucking over my career?”

Rebecca’s media problem wouldn’t go away with her selling the club, she’d still be dating a footballer and mags would still write about her. This is a fucking juicy story. It would take years before this wouldn’t be in constant rotation. Even if they both went away, this story wouldn’t die and would hang over AFC Richmond like a dark cloud.

Love isn’t going to make Rebecca stop caring about what the media says about her, esp if they’re right in their criticisms this time around. That criticism practically ate her alive. She’s going to feel like the monster she thought she was in season 1.

Especially since this is going to be way worse and more frequent.

And do you imagine that she keeps her relationship with Keeley or Higgins? Do you think she doesn’t become a pariah?

So a woman who already went through a humiliating and public divorce, then gets into a relationship that increases attacks and criticisms on her ten fold, and she sells her club to be with this dude (hypothetically, of course), do y’all think Rebecca doesn’t feel even more isolated and lonely? Do y’all think that Sam’s love is enough to compensate the massive loses she’s taken? That nothing else matters because she has him?

Some want to pretend like it’s no big deal, but either they don’t understand the implications or they think just because it’s fiction it doesn’t matter, but it does. It does matter what they’re saying and what they’re not saying. Because if it’s fiction and doesn’t matter, why complain about how raze is being portrayed as well as gender?

Age can’t be treated as unimportant because it’s a fictional pairing, yet racism and sexism doesn’t. That’s called inconsistency and cognitive dissonance. Either all of these things matter or none of them do and, yes, in this case it is all or nothing.

I’ve explained enough why this age difference matters and to pretend it means nothing because “he’s an adult.” Like man, young adults are truly fucked if older people feel this way. If older people feel their responsibility and obligation for protecting younger people stops at 18.

And, perhaps, this explains why people don’t understand the other complexities and nuances of what this relationship is fucked up. Or why they’re downplaying it.

As someone once said, “all art is political.” This and these discussions are a politic of sorts and so many people are missing the mark, yet are only advocating and having nuances discussions on this topic advocate for a problematic and detrimental relationship.

#ted lasso #Rebecca welton #sam obisanya

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ryttu3k · 4 years ago

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thanky ou so so much for answering my ask! that makes actually sense. I really thought that Julain didn't give two flying crackers about you, but maybe he did; he just doesn't express it in a normal way. Although I still have somewhat my doubts. But at the end, you don't end up like Z, so that means something. And I sometimes wonder what Z's backstory is, too. It's also strange that Julian didn't seize the opportunity to groom Z as his new apprentice of sorts and not making the same "mistakes"

he made with you. I also realised that the player is technially Julian's only true ally/friend/focal point. He killed Jasper, an ally of his, he planned and sent the entire SI to Tuscon in order to take Lettow down and destabilize the Camarilla's hold there, even after he and Lettow somewhat became... luke warm friends in the end? But then again, he constantly risks the player's life, too, so there's that. And you know what the funniest thing is? Julian is a hypocrite through and through. From what I understood is that Julian looked up to Jasper in a sense. After all, they worked together and he does somewhat speak fondly of him in a way (just a tadbit though). He claims that he was so disgusted with Jasper's experiments that he had to kill him in the end, and he does seem sincere in that, but Julian does literally the same thing. He experiments on us, on other vamps like Z, and is even cool to work with Invidia Caul, who is also despised by other Kindred for her experiments. Is this cognitive dissonance or is he just lying through his teeth after all?

Oh, I forgot to mention that Julian seeking Invida's help is also weird because he knows that 1) Jasper financed he work (which shows that Invidia and Jasper have the same "moral" compass even for Kindred) and 2) she and Jasper were friends I believe. And I have no doubts that Julian knows this. Quite frankly, I believe he was disgusted by him in a sense, but at the end, he might not have liked competition or regarded him as possible future opposition and wanted to get rid of him quickly.

Yeah, it’s a complicated situation! Julian is definitely not a straightforward character - the read I get on him is that he’s trying too much, juggling too many balls, and thinks he’s better at it than he actually is. He also has a vested interest in being... well, better than others. No one is asking about 2100 and beyond, but he is. No one is as smart as he is. No one knows as much of what’s going on as he does. No one can play games with the SI like he does. Goddammit now I have Gaston stuck in my head. Here’s a bit from the Scheffler chapter:

You pull into the storage facility and do what you're told. The new phone is another disposable burner. Julian, you realize, isn't hiding from the Second Inquisition. He's using what they think they know to move them around the board, in a game you don't fully understand.

So his work with Jasper, that’s an interesting one because consider what Jasper is doing. He’s trying to push the limits of the vampire mind. He’s able to bring Lampago up to a point where she’s much more intelligent and aware, less bestial. He’s not able to succeed with Modian, but he was trying something similar there - break him down to the status of wight, then try to restore him.

Now, consider Julian’s aims with the 2100 formula. It’s meant to push the limits of the vampire mind and body. He and Jasper are actually extremely similar in what they’re working on, and I do wonder if this gave Julian a bit of disquiet when he realises how messed up the experimentation with Modian was.

Julian is a Banu Haqim. When he explains to the Courier why he killed Jasper, he addresses this directly:

Julian leans against his Fisker, then says, "You should know the truth. I killed that Usurper."

"For his crimes?" The Tremere are given relatively free reign, but torturing Nosferatu until they turn into wights is definitely outside whatever laws bind them to the Camarilla.

"Well, you and I have a complicated relationship to 'crimes,' don't we, Pyre? But yes, I suppose so. I may not be much of a vampire, but I'm still a Child of Haqim, and our work is to judge the unrighteous."

There's that wild gleam in Julian's eyes again. Some nights it seems like Julian Sim couldn't be a worse representative of his religion, or of the larger cultural complex that surrounds and sustains Clan Banu Haqim. And some nights your sire looks like the Angel of Death.

So he’s still very much from the Clan of Judges. Let’s say he’s starting to feel guilty - he’s a Judge, and here he’s judging himself. By taking out that guilt on Jasper, he can tell himself, “Well, what I’m doing isn’t so bad after all. And see, I’m still judging the unrighteous - I killed Jasper for his crimes. If I can feel compelled to stop Jasper, then surely what I’m doing can’t be that bad?”

I think you’re right in calling it cognitive dissonance. He can’t feel bad about what he’s doing, it’s for the future, and look! He punished Jasper, right? His moral compass is still correct, right? Sure, he experimented on the Courier and on Z, but at least they’re not wights, right?

If he judges Jasper, he clears his own conscience.

(As for Invidia, I actually don’t think her experiments were nearly as bad. She was working on making clones and experimenting on sheep to find a stable, reproduceable, ethical source of blood. The clones were only of questionable intelligence in the first place (they don’t seem to... react to much, seem pretty mindless) and, well, I personally don’t like animal experimentation but then I am vegan, so XD;; She was kind of a horrible person, mostly in her violence in lashing out against others and in blood binding Giselle, but the experiments itself were definitely a lesser evil than ‘torturing people until they turn into wights’.)

#vampire the masquerade #vtm night road #vtmnr #vtmnr spoilers #julian sim #baron of 2100 #banu haqim

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roguish-gallery · 4 years ago

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How would Jonathan Crane react to eventually reuniting with one of his old students? Someone who actually really looked up to him and admired his passion for teaching, but was one of the quieter students who never spoke up in class. But now that he's no longer their teacher, they feel much more comfortable talking to him?

Sorry this took so long to write! I got... a bit... carried away... uhhh. Here’s my first ever full-ass fanfic, kept under the read more like always! I hope you like it!

p.s. if the formatting on this is too weird, I also have it on my ao3 here

Jon + Reuniting with a Former Student!

It’s incredible how little he seemed to age over the years. His auburn hair might have gotten a bit greyer and thinner, and the lines under his eyes have gotten darker, but he remained just as tall, as intimidating as he was those years ago. After all these years, Jonathan Crane still goes to the same café, orders the same coffee, and even sits in the same seat. In a way, you almost admired how little he cared about keeping his identity a secret.

Of course, the last time you saw him in this café, it was during his office hours, and you had come to talk with him about the midterm. Now he’s… well. You know.

A wanted criminal.

A killer.

The Scarecrow.

You’re shocked how no one has noticed him sitting there except for yourself- a testament to how thoroughly desensitized Gothamites are towards flamboyant villainy. Or, possibly, the burlap mask does work to hide his identity. Probably a combination of the two, you figured.

You absentmindedly tapped your fingers along the table. You should have left the moment you saw him; anyone who’s watched the news would never want to be in the same room as the fucking Scarecrow. Who knows what he might do? What if he floods the air vents with fear toxin? What if he lunges at a waitress for getting his order wrong?

Yet… you still haven’t left, he has yet to create any incidents, and… you still want to talk to him. It’s not like the opportunity will ever present itself again. When will you get this chance?

Fuck it, let's go. you thought. The worst-case scenario is that you get to take a few days off from work to detox yourself. The threat of fear toxin has almost become as routine for the average Gothamite as getting into a car accident; unexpected, unfortunate, and it certainly ruins your day, but it’s nothing new. Finishing your coffee, you rose from your seat to approach him.

As you got to his table, you felt your stomach churn as Crane’s eyes darted from his book to you. He watched you with caution, his mouth pressed into a familiar displeased line. He looked mildly annoyed by your presence, but he said nothing. He doesn’t need to say anything for you to understand his unspoken threat- what will happen to yourself and everyone in this building if you chose to make his presence known. In an attempt to make things appear more casual, you took the seat across from him. He quirked a brow, but allowed it.

You might have thought you didn’t make a presence, but Jonathan Crane never forgets a face. Especially the face of someone brave enough to take his class.

You opened your mouth to speak, but Crane cuts you off. “No need to exchange formalities here.” he gestured vaguely to the surrounding café patrons. “This is hardly the place. Before you ask, yes, I do remember you- your final paper on cognitive dissonance was… adequate.” He took a sip of coffee. “If you’re asking me to change your grade, well, it’s a bit late for that.”

“Oh...” You didn’t even remember the grade you got on that final. “Well… I won’t bother you for long… I just wanted to pop in for a quick chat.”

He rolled his eyes and dog-eared his spot on his book. “Alright, but make it quick.”

...

.......

“Um..." You stutter. "... What are you doing here?”

Crane’s nose twitched. “All the things you could ask me, and you choose that?” He paused for a moment, and sighed. “Fine. If I’m being honest, no one makes coffee as good, cheap, and black as this old haunt does. Furthermore, even I get nostalgic sometimes.”

...

........

The two of you awkwardly stare at each other.

“If you don’t have anything else to tell me, you can leave.” he said.

...Better cut to the chase, then.

“I’ll leave you alone, but before I do…" You linger off, trying to find the right words. "I just wanted to let you know that you were my favorite professor back when I was in college. You changed me for the better... if you can believe it.”

Crane's eyes widened, and he disdainfully shook his head. “Of all the professors you could have chosen, and you decide that I’m your favorite? I thought I had taught you better than that. All of my research, my field data on fear, and yet I somehow fail to scare away a former student. Pathetic”

“I suppose you still have some work to do, then.” You told him.

“Yes,” he mused. “I suppose so.”

There’s more silence, before Crane decided to press further. “May I ask why?”

“I wasn’t in a good place back in school… I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, and I didn’t know how to articulate those thoughts into a vocal, healthy way... You though, you were always so passionate during your lectures” You explained. “Even if the tests were hard, and I hated having to cram for them. Coming to class and watching you talk about whatever, it was nice. You gave me hope that I’ll have that fire too, once I graduate.”

Something about that seemed to get to Crane. He blinked in surprise, and the irritated expression he had throughout the entire exchange… disappeared. His eyes softened just a bit, and his shoulders lowered into a more natural position. He studied your face, trying to find the smallest hint of deceit; something to let him know that this was just another joke. When he couldn’t find any, he sank back into his chair, his face now unreadable.

....

“... Did you find that fire?” He quietly asked.

“I don’t know... but I at least found enough to talk to you, even after all these years.”

The quiet returned, but it’s less awkward now, more comfortable. The air surrounding the table seemed to settle, and you could finally breathe.

“If it means anything to you, I am... flattered by the kind words.” Crane muttered something else under his breath, but you could make out a very restrained “Thank you”.

“I’ve got to go now, but thank you for your time, Professor.” You got up from your chair, hesitating. “It was good to see you again… I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while now.”

He graciously nods his head. “It was… good to see you too… I enjoyed our talk.”

Before you could go any further towards the exit, he beckoned you back.

“Before you go- don’t drink from your tap next Tuesday. I’ll be testing out a city-wide experiment then.” He whispered.

Your eyes widened, and you quickly nodded your head. You needed to update your health insurance anyway. You thanked him again, bid him farewell, and left.

Jonathan remained in his seat as he watched you leave. He took a glance at his watch, wincing slightly at how much time had passed. He ought to be headed back to his hideout, assuming he wanted his plan to work on time.

Hmph- that’s what I get for getting sentimental. He finished the last sip of coffee lingering at the bottom of his cup, and shuffled his papers back into his satchel. It was good while it lasted, he supposed. Jonathan rapped his fingers along the table.

How long has it been since he’s been here last? Ten... no... twelve years? Dear god.

Despite the time gap, the café was just how he remembered it. Of course, things have changed- repainted walls, some refurbished furniture, and all of the regulars he shared the space with have long-since retired or graduated. Still though, things were fundamentally the same. College students mingling with each other, some trying to tutor less than-enthused peers, some study groups feverishly swapping notes with each other. The minimum-wage baristas, as expected, passed the time by flirting, or trying to study for their own classes. Yes, everything was just the same as he had left it.

And in the thick of the chaos, in the corner table sat Jonathan Crane, either up to his neck in library books, or helping out his students. Despite a more casual setting, the café had become just as academic of a place to Jonathan as the Gotham U libraries or the psychology conferences he used to attend.

His train of thought was broken as the waitress gently cleared her throat.

“Sir?” she asked. “Would you like your check?”

He thought about it for a moment. He did have work to do… but…

“Actually, could I get a refill?”

“Of course. Black coffee, right?”

“That’s right. Thank you”

Jonathan watched her take his cup away, and he pulled his book and notes back out. The fear toxin can wait.

Let him stay in this moment... just a bit longer.

#jonathan crane #the scarecrow #headcanons #dc headcanon #DC comics

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luvnhugsgt · 4 years ago

Text

G/T: Almost a Garden Gnome: Chapter 3

***As told by Eddie “The Man” Edwards (stupid parents who thought they were funny)***

I don’t really know what to say or do. I hope asking if the little mystery human was alright didn’t cause any lasting trauma? I didn’t know I was such a scary guy! Take a look at me standing next to my buddies, and you’ll find that I actually have a noticeably slighter frame than they do. I’ve never been the biggest, toughest dude in the crowd, and I’m cool with that, I think. That’s how it’s always been, you know? I’m sinewy, light and lean. It runs in my family.

Considering my self-image, I’ve always had some sort of cognitive dissonance about hanging out around the little human folk. I’m not sure why, but I’m kind of… afraid of them? Uncomfortable?

When I look down at my feet, bending my neck at a near ninety-degree angle and squinting my eyes just to see somebody, it hurts—well, my neck—and my eyes—and my self-esteem. Am I truly a big-lug, taking up way too much space and sounding like a hurricane, just because of my race, something I’ll never be able to reconcile with the littles?

To be around Little Lady, then, as you may have deduced, while she’s ostensibly cute (I can hardly see her face, so maybe I’m just an optimist), freaks me out, big time.

Should I, then, take a good, hard look at myself in the mirror, and say ten times, “Humans are friends”? Should I shut the door and keep her out of my house for the sake of my mental health? Should I get someone to scare her awa-no, wait, that’s horrible!

I guess, just maybe, I could leave out something for her to eat, then promptly go back inside. I certainly don’t mind her munching on my strawberries, even though I holler at the damn squirrels for doing the very same thing. But I think something’s wrong with the squirrels here—they have an attitude problem! They chatter at me and they shoo me away after I shoo them! Ah, but if I dodge this tiny woman, I’ll also have to avoid my garden; my only hobby!

You’d be surprised—I show off my garden to everyone, even ~lady friends~, and everyone digs it, or at least they seem to humor me. Aw man, I love my garden! If I abandon the garden, (I named it Steve), where will all my bragging rights come from? Oh, I ooze masculinity, guys.

Unless it doesn’t matter if I attract the Bel Parine 'Babes anymore—unless—u-unless I swing a full 180 and fall in lo-

Um-fall for a cute h-

Ahhh. Let’s not push our luck here, yeah?

How do Bels usually deal with bum-humans squatting in their backyard, anyhow? Yes, this one’s endearing—‘guess I’m lucky��but what if—I mean, this is pretty shallow, but—what if she were a crusty old man with a grating voice from years of drinking and smoking? A bit of a yikes from me, dog. Maybe I should see the ‘silver lining’ in this situation…

Oop! The phone’s going—“Hiya Grandma, what’s doin’?”

“Eddie, I was passing the nursery on Main Street this morning on my way to pick up my prescriptions, and I saw the most beautiful sunflowers. Oh, to tell you the truth, I didn’t even know they were in season, yet! And of course, I bought you two pots, because I know how you adore your garden—” she pauses, “what’s that you’re calling it now—Steve? Oh, you silly goose! But you’re my silly goose, you handsome young ma-“

“Grandma, oh thank you, I love ya ‘a million,” I explain, “but, about the garden… I do have something to ask of you.”

“Oh? I’m sure I can help. I’ve got lots of books with all the different flowers, loads of detailed, colorful pictures, all kinds of guid-“

“N-no, Grandma, it’s a different kind of issue. Do you…uh…know anything about humans?”

Her tone changes, “Humans, huh?”

“In your garden?” I add.

“…Lucky you!” She chirps; I can easily visualize Grandma beaming on the other side of the line. “Oh, do you have a homeless human on your hands?” She sighs. “Well, that’s not very good. We’ve got to do something. First thing’s first—let’s attract him. I hear humans like honey water. I read it on the web. There are so many wonderful things on the ‘line’.”

I sigh, knowing now that I’ve boxed myself in. I’ll have to face my fear. Why’d I get on this crazy ride? My grandma, she’s got the opposite issue, though she’s got scant self-awareness. She doesn’t seem to realize that the way she fawns over those ‘cute, cuddly’ humans, makes them seem uncomfortably similar to animals. It comes off as, I don’t know, condescending? I know I’ve got no stake in this narrative, but it grates on me for some reason or another. I’ve not been very exposed to humans in my twenty-nine-and-some-months years of life, but even I can understand how to respect the othersiders.

“Eddie, this is the best news I’ve had from you in weeks!”

“What?! What about my Impatiens?” I frown. “You know how hard it is grow those badboys ever since they were wiped out by the—what is it, fungus?” I mused absentmindedly, distracting myself from the trainwreck that’ll most surely ensue after this phone call.

“Oh, wait—wait—after the Impatiens!”

I pout. “Okaay, Grandma, I get your vibe. I gots’ta’ go catch my show, I’ll chat with you later…?” I speak rapidly, looking to flee as soon as I can.

“Great! Love you, Eddieboy! Enjoy your show. I’ll see you tomorrow morning at ten!”

“Grandma, wait a second!” I panic, but it’s too late. She’s already hung up, and I’m reeling here, almost in tears as I draw closer and closer to facing this phobia—yeah, I’ll acknowledge it as a phobia—for real, after all those sheltered, trepidatious years…

Agh! I run my hand through my hair melodramatically. What the hell do I do here! What say you, reader, ol’ buddy ol’ pal?

Jeez, next you’ll tell me you’re a human, too! Haha!

#fluff gentlegiant gentlegt giant gianttiny gt gtfluff malegiant malexfemale romance tiny micro macro sizedifference

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untitledtallgeesepodcast · 3 years ago

Text

[TRANSCRIPT] EPISODE 10: DESTABILIZING THE MECHA-WIFE DICHOTOMY

Cathy 00:00

[midi version of Just Wild Beat Communication plays, fading as Cathy speaks over it]

Cathy 00:03

Hello and welcome to another episode of Untitled Tallgeese Podcast. I am this episode's host Cathy and I am joined by my lovely co-panelists Kat, Mallory, and Caitlin. Today we will be going over Episode 19, "Attack on Barge" and Episode 20, "Infiltration of the Moonbase." We pick up where we ended with Zechs, who has been found by Howard, whom you may remember as Duo's scrap metal salvager. It turns out that Howard used to be one of the engineers who helped design Tallgeese. Howard offers Zechs a way back into outer space, which Zechs eventually accepts, but not without first posturing in classic 19 year old fashion that the man formerly known as Zechs Merquis is now dead.

Cathy 00:44

Meanwhile, Duo stages an attack on OZ, but his Gundam is beaten by the Taurus mobile dolls, and he himself is captured when his self destruct mechanism doesn't work. His arrest is broadcasted everywhere on the Colony News Network, capturing the attention of Heero, who menacingly implies that all weaknesses must be eliminated. After infiltrating the OZ base where Duo is captured, however, and faced with actually needing to pull the trigger, Heero thinks better of it and breaks them both out by tricking the mobile dolls into believing the OZ's own Leos and spacesuits are the enemies. However, Heero and Duo are sadly forced to leave the damage Deathscythe behind.

Cathy 01:20

Elsewhere, Wufei stages the episodes titular attack on the Barge. He just so happens to intersect with Lady Une, who, in her peaceful ambassador persona, has an elaborate telepathic conversation with Wufei and her second command Nichols about how Outer Space should be reserved for peace. Nichols, frustrated and confused about Une's dueling personas, orders the Barge's beam cannon to shoot at Wufei. It manages the damage Shenlong Gundam marginally, but sacrifices a number of OZ's own soldiers in the process. Wufei, disgusted, uses his triton to light a literal fire under his own ass and flies off.

Cathy 01:55

In the next episode, Heero explains that he must kill the Gundam scientists, who under the thumb of OZ have been ordered to make all new and better mobile suits, the Mercurius and Vayeate. Duo wants to go with him, but injured is forced to remain behind. Speaking of injured Gundams and their pilots, on Earth, Sally Po tries to destroy Sandrock but encounters the Maganac forces who are trying to rescue it for Quatre. After realizing they should form a support group, and that the Maganacs actually have names, Sally Po helps them escape.

Cathy 02:22

OZ has been very busy. For one thing Lady Une submits a proposal for the colonies to form their own nation with one catch: they have to help OZ produce mobile suits and military equipment. Understandably, the colony representatives are wary of this proposition. But Lady Une goes full Treize on them, talking about how fighting is part of the spirit and beauty of mankind. At the same time, OZ has been trying to recruit random amateurs to act as test pilots, only one of those amateurs turns out to be none other than Trowa. As his final test. he's ordered to destroy a damaged site while Duo helplessly watches a broadcast. Because Trowa makes it to the final rounds, he wins a meeting with Lady Une. His barbed accusations that OZ is pretending to be friends with the colonies in order to win them over causes Une to have a mental breakdown. After she recovers, Une escorts Trowa and four other lucky pilots to the Gundam scientists where they meet the new mobile suits, the Veyeate is not actually functional. It reacts seemingly to the presence of Trowa, only to reveal that it's Heero clear snuck aboard. Unfortunately for Heero, Trowa manages flip through the air and get to his own gun faster, arresting Heero on behalf of OZ. And scene.

Caitlin 03:33

Can I just say, that, remember being 19 and thinking, [dramatically] "my former self is dead!" [laughter] and then totally, totally reinventing your look and your life for college. I think that's Zechs in these episodes. [laughter]

Mallory 03:53

Zacks is going away to college

Kat 03:54

To space college!

Caitlin 03:55

You've broken the mask of your like, high school nerdiness and now you're [laughter]

Mallory 04:02

now you're free faced and hot.

Caitlin 04:04

To be you sexy self, yes.

Cathy 04:07

I didn't think of it that way but that is totally true. And Zechs, he plays a surprisingly marginal role in these first, in these two episodes, which is kind of surprising because he'd been really important in the episodes leading up until now. And I didn't really process that until now, where you point out that literally the only thing he does in these two episodes is act like an emo fool and then flies off. [laughter]

Caitlin 04:31

Well he's dead. So he's,

Mallory 04:32

Yeah.

Caitlin 04:33

He's like, in exile because he's dead right now. [laughs] He's, he's like resting.

Mallory 04:38

Yeah, he's like symbolically killed himself.

Kat 04:40

Yeah, and complaining about getting help from Howard. Like, "Ugh, this is so much trouble to just get me to space."

Caitlin 04:46

This is like Genji in the Tale of Genji when he sent off to like, it, be punished in exile for a couple of months, [laughter] whatever. And all he does is like hang out by the seaside and like make a new girlfriend. [laguhter] This is Zechs right now. How, Howard is the girlfriend? [garbled] Serious, Genji in Exile.

Kat 05:07

I'm glad you're bringing this serious analysis here.

Caitlin 05:10

Yeah, this is, this is literature.

Cathy 05:11

I love it. And I'm glad we somehow managed to shovel in Tale of Genji into this because [laughter]

Caitlin 05:16

Uh, this will not be the last time we talked about Tale of Genji, all right?

Cathy 05:20

So, you know, I have to apologize, I know that I am supposed to be host and I've admitted that I don't really have any deep thoughts about episodes 19 and 20 other than I love them, and they're really entertaining. So I guess I'm gonna throw Kat under the bus, one of the things you wanted to talk about is the OZ use of propaganda and kind of information control in these two episodes.

Kat 05:44

Yeah, so we've spent a lot of time as a podcast talking about Lady Une, and the different roles that she takes on. And it's really interesting to see her utilizing the broadcast television that they have going on in the colonies. I'm not sure if it's clear if that's getting broadcast to Earth or not, but she's definitely using it to control the flow of information to the colonists, including when they captured Duo -- deciding whether or not maybe jokingly, to execute him publicly, whether or not he's, he's pretty enough or ugly enough that the colonists would sympathize with him if he was ugly.

Caitlin 06:20

And unfortunately, he's extremely good looking.

Kat 06:23

He's too beautiful, so he must die. And I think it's kind of the culmination of all the control that she's had over their media streams leading up to this episode.

Mallory 06:34

And you also see, like you hear the spin in the broadcasters and what they're saying, which is really interesting, like, they're always like, "these young troopers are vying for a spot with OZ!" You know, like there's a, there's a celebratory kind of tone to all of the newscasts that we are seeing and hearing

Kat 06:55

And we get a lot of plot exposition in those news broadcasts of these episodes, I think a little more, like we've gotten clips and stuff, or they just want to explain something. But I think it kind of leads the plot in these episodes in a way that it doesn't quite do elsewhere.

Caitlin 07:11

One of the things that I think is really interesting about the use of propaganda here is that it comes along with the realization of the split in Lady Une's personality and I think that there is a way in which you can view her split personality as mirroring, or like metaphorically performing the split between OZ's reality and OZ's performance, right? OZ's propaganda image. To a certain extent, it's like she's become like the physical and mental manifestation of the doublethink required to be both the front-facing OZ image of a peaceful colony helper, trying to bring everybody together. And the cutthroat OZ that we know is the reality.

Mallory 07:54

Exactly. She's a hamfisted metaphor for like the cognitive dissonance at the heart of Oz. You know, like this focus and emphasis on niceties and gentility and grace and saving face versus the cutthroat merciless militaristic takeover that OZ and the Romefeller Foundation are actually carrying out. It's like sort of her mental break at this point -- is it signaling a split between these two factions? Like Treize seems like he's at odds with the Romefeller Foundation in some way.

Cathy 08:28

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, at one point in Episode 20, right, when she goes back into her room after she talks to Trowa, she says, something like, "Am I doing this for OZ? Or am I doing this for Treize?" [crosstalk]

Mallory 08:37

Yeah, "Or is my master Treize?"

Caitlin 08:39

I thought, I thought that was very interesting. It also reflects the parts of her that are... So like, her considering, "Do I work for OZ? Or do I work for Treize?" is also, "Aam I doing this work as the harsh and cutthroat colonel?" versus "Am I doing this work as the kind and gentle Lady?" Where like, one of them is the person who works for OZ, and one of them is the person who loves Treize and is just doing this out of duty and affection for him.

Kat 09:09

The episodes are so blatant, and kind of the colony-facing version of her is weaker, like she's stronger in uniform, and it's sort of like this weaker facade that they are putting on to the colonies? But also it's working, so I guess it's a testament to how intensely she's making herself believe in this persona slash, she has to put her entire belief into it for it to work.

Mallory 09:34

For her.

Kat 09:35

For her.

Mallory 09:35

Right, because it's been established that like, part of her character is that she can't, she's a bad liar. So it's almost like she has to make herself believe that what she's doing is good?

Kat 09:46

Yeah.

09:46

In order to promote this soft face OZ

Caitlin 09:50

It's what politicians do, we see it all the time.

Cathy 09:53

To me a really interesting part of this, and I don't think it's explicit. I think this is just me projecting on it, but there seems to be to me like a hollowness or an emptiness about what OZ actually stands for other than wanting power. We just have Treize, right? Like Treize is the entire idealistic "heart" of OZ. And when you remove that from the equation, it's kind of like, what are we even all doing? Like how does, how do any of the powers differ from each other? They really don't. [laughs] They just want power. And so I really find this interesting, trying to grapple with like, what power means or what, what anything stands for, what do ideals mean? and seeing Lady Une like, break down, actually, physically and mentally in a way that was really obvious, felt really like relieving to me, just to be like, that is the thing we all struggle with. And I think, surprisingly, Gundam Wing made a really potent and relevant comment about it. Like, it is just hard to understand what any of us are fighting for, when it comes to big power structures. It doesn't mean anything. We're all meaningless in it.

Mallory 10:57

Yeah especially when, like, the lines that you are being fed by those powers are like vague things about the heart of OZ. And what does that even mean? Like you can't base a belief system on like this vague concept.

Kat 11:12

It's hard to base like a whole governmental structure around the nobility of man's fighting spirit?

Caitlin 11:17

But also that is, this is fascism,

Mallory & Kat & Cathy 11:20

[crosstalk of agreement]

Caitlin 11:20

that you have. It's purely a lust for power. There's, there's a creation of a set of ideals, that -- those ideals only exist to keep people in the existing power structure, and replacing any sort of actual belief with a fixation on one central leader, as Treize has done. It's fascism. It's what we're seeing today, basically. [muttered] Sorry, not not to get political at our Gundam Wing,

Cathy 11:46

Not to get political in our, in our podcast about an anime that is about politics.

Kat 11:50

Well, I was gonna say, I think as a kid, when I watched this, I think I was a little more sympathetic, but in a more simplistic way about Lady Une? And to me, it felt very much like, she suddenly saw that peace could be achieved and realized that her true self was fighting against it and couldn't handle that dichotomy. But now that I know that every politician can just live with 1000 pounds of cognitive dissonance in their head at all times, I don't know if that's really a thing that's going on, like if that was a naive reading of it.

Caitlin 12:23

Yeah, if you, if you recall, from our argument last time, about like, is she, has she already sort of lost herself at that point? Or is she in the process of losing herself, we were sort of, we were sort of split on whether this was an active choice that she'd made, if it was like a deliberate choice to sort of split this part of herself off, or if it just sort of ruptured by mental break. And I think now we sort of see the transition. Whereas like, last, the last few episodes that are lead up to this, I was like, okay, she's deliberately creating this persona, because she knows that she's not really good at this stuff.

Kat 13:00

Right.

Caitlin 13:01

So she's created this other other person. Now she's now she's broken,

Mallory 13:06

It was sort of the ease with which she could do that was a foreshadowing of the cognitive dissonance that would then come back to haunt her, and that we're seeing her sort of pay for now.

Kat 13:18

She seems so assured of herself and like the Lady Une militaristic persona, even though she doubts herself when Treize chastises her, but that's the only time she's not like, do these fucking plans, like I'm telling you to do it, now. And for her to be so unsure of herself in the other persona is really interesting.

Caitlin 13:38

I'm actually kind of sick of her. I feel like this is kind of a hackneyed plot move

Mallory 13:42

Mhmm

Caitlin 13:42

on their part. I don't really buy like split personality as a trope.

Cathy 13:47

Let's move on, let's move on then. Caitlin is sick of her crap. Let us move on to our second point: mobile dolls. So I think there's a lot of really interesting themes in these two episodes about what it means to be a pilot and kind of human intelligence versus robot intelligence. You know, we see this both in the way Heero escapes from the base with Duo. And then also in Episode 20, when we reunite with the Gundam scientists, and their whole point is essentially like, it doesn't matter who's who in the mobile suits. It just matters who the pilot is.

Caitlin 14:21

Yeah, there's a really great moment where the mobile dolls very stupidly kill their own people because they're in the same suit that Heero was wearing. Yeah, they've had their targets switched around, which demonstrates that the mobile dolls are not a great solution to the problems [laughs] of war? I like that, though it's sad that they killed their own guys.

Mallory 14:44

Yeah, I mean, it's like a real surprise that an unmanned machine could be manipulated, you know, hacked.

Kat 14:50

Weird.

Mallory 14:51

Strange.

Cathy 14:52

Totally weird.

Mallory 14:53

Who could have predicted that?

Caitlin 14:55

AI did not solve all of our problems.

Kat 14:57

I like how pissed Nichols -- or possibly not Nichols -- is though when Trowa goes, "it doesn't matter which one is better because the better pilot will win" or whatever. And the OZ soldier flips out because I guess he's bought totally into this too. And they did take down at least one Gundam pilot with the mobile dolls. So like, how dare he even question the idea behind the mobile dolls, even though they brought him in literally to be a good pilot.

Caitlin 15:28

And then you have the whole thing where Heero's in the suit that's supposed to be non functional so it seems like it functions and then Heero -- it's actually Heero, that whole thing. I was sort of thinking of our other big contemporary mobile suit in the room, Evangelion.

Cathy 15:44

Oh god [laughs]

Caitlin 15:45

The, the machine is actually a part of them and it's not really about like pilot skill. It's about sort of a connection that is like, primal and animal. Whereas in Gundam Wing you have a connection with between the pilots and their suits? We sort of see this when Duo flips out about that's like being publicly executed.

Caitlin 15:45

Which came out the same year. The whole, the whole like, thing is that this terrible idea of children piloting a mobile suit only really works if the mobile suit is some sort of like biological and psychological projection of themselves slash their mother.

Cathy 16:04

Yes.

Caitlin 16:07

And with Quatre and the Maganacs, who are like we have to rescue Quatre's Gundam.

Mallory 16:29

Yeah.

Caitlin 16:29

Yeah. But that isn't like, the same thing as a mobile suit can function without the pilot or a mobile suit is something that needs, is an animal that needs control, like an Evangelion.

Cathy 16:39

Although it's interesting because I think in the last four episodes, we have seen examples of this. So for instance, Sandrock, of course, just kind of walks off right without Quatre.

Caitlin 16:51

And he's like, get out of me.

Kat 16:52

Yeah [laughs]

Cathy 16:53

It was kind of like a weird open question as to whether or not Deathscythe, like didn't want to blow up with Duo in it? or if there was actually a failed self destruct mechanism. And they leave that kind of open. Similarily, and I know I called this out in my background when I was summarizing this, I love the way the end of Episode 20 is set up because there is this moment where I was almost wondering if my memories of this episode were incorrect, and that Mercurius and Veyeate really just sort of light up because Trowa is there, right? Like I was just like, oh, are they responding to Trowa? But then it turns out, it's because Heero is there. So there are all these little moments where they're kind of like building in this doubt, like, what are the Gundams? What are mobile suits? How tied, like what is that symbiosis. And I think it is really interesting that it comes out at the same time where Eva kind of like definitively falls one way or another on it, that they kind of just leave that open.

Kat 17:48

Bringing in Tallgeese, this episode too, like Zechs shows up just so we can hear again about Tallgeese and I think his relationship with that mobile suit is very much about his synchronisation with it. Like, it's harder to pilot than all the other ones so they continually talk about how like, you'd have to be a human or like, it gave him a frickin heart attack, because it's so difficult to pilot kind of thing.

Caitlin 18:12

So it does sort of reflect our relationship with machines in real life. I think a lot where you're like, Yes, I am, I am the driver of this car. I don't think this car is able to make its own decisions. I think most of us can agree that AI cars are kind of stupid, the self driving cars.

Kat 18:29

Yeah, thus far.

Mallory 18:31

I mean, I really want one but

Caitlin 18:33

When you think about people's relationship to their cars,

Cathy 18:36

Mmhmm.

Caitlin 18:36

It's an extension of self. And you get people who are who are obsessed with cars, who name their cars who refer to them by female pronouns. You have these really intense relationships with technology that the show plays with a lot even while saying, verbally, It's the pilot that matters, not the machine.

Cathy 18:55

So before we leave Mercurius and Veyeate, I want to say I actually found that really interesting and much more interesting when I saw them this time as I'm older. You know, they're red and blue. So I just want to like put that plug in, you know, there's a very kind of symbiotic relationship between red and blue.

Caitlin 19:12

[gasp]

Cathy 19:13

Just generally

Caitlin 19:13

I ship red/blue. All of my ships are reds and blues. Oh my god!

Cathy 19:18

Like they're, you know, there's a, there's a general kind of fandom-y trope and work trope, literary trope about red and blue. Heero ends up popping out of, I think it's Veyeate, who is the blue one, and the blue one is the one with the really great beam cannon. And then the red one, Mercurius has the shield. So I mean, the one interesting thought I had, like literally the only one thought [laughs] that I in these two episodes is that there's a great Chinese idiom called zìxīang máodùn" (自相矛盾). And máodùn is the Chinese term for sort of being self-contradictory and kind of like unable to go anywhere because you're kind of tying yourself up in knots. And that word in that phrase [Baldwin] actually comes from two separate words [mall], which is a spear or a lance and [twin] which is a shield. And it comes from a really classic story [Ed.'s note: from the Han Feizi] where this merchant is saying he has, you know, the world's best lance and then the world's best shield. And then somebody asked him, "Well, what happens if your lance attacks your shield" and he's unable to answer? [laughter] And so when we say "máodùn" like "oh my god, I'm so máodùn" like, "Oh my god, I'm so you know, I'm tied up in myself in knots, and I can't figure my way out," you know, I'm really confused, I'm really troubled, what we're really saying is, we have an unbreakable shield that goes up against an unstoppable lance.

Cathy 19:37

So I thought, you know, here, there's this moment where it's like, very much implied, they don't make a big deal out of it, but you have Heero and Trowa who I've always in my head kind of put in the same axis, you know, like they are kind of like the same people but on two different ends. And they are representing, they're both undercover in different ways, Heero has actually snuck into the beast, Trowa has gone undercover [laughs] as an amateur pilot for us. They end up kind of repeating this cycle sort of over and over again, throughout the series, and then it comes out in this really obvious reference to having a spear and having a shield. So I thought that was really fun.

Caitlin 21:20

Cathy you're not gonna believe this. It's the same word in Japanese. Oh, is it really? For conflict contradiction? It's mujun (矛盾). So I had to look at the characters of máodùn. But yeah, it's it's mujun in Japanese, which just means contradiction, but it's the same spear and shield, yeah.

Cathy 21:35

There is kind of a wonderfully elemental and like contradictory sense with Veyeate and Mercurius is that I didn't catch on the first time I watched it and just wanted to share with the group.

Kat 21:48

I think that's fascinating to me, because I love the interplay between Heero and Trowa there when Heero drops his gun and he's in the beam cannon. So in that case, shield wins. [laughter] Because I mean, Trowa's on the defensive

Caitlin 22:05

Shield wins!

Caitlin 22:06

You know what else is a dichotomy? [laughing] That is operative in many of these [laughing]

Cathy 22:15

Uh oh.

Mallory 22:18

Seme and uke.

Kat 22:21

Dammit

Cathy 22:21

Dammit. Alright, where's this going? [laughter]

Caitlin 22:24

It's not going anywhere, it ends right there, that's [laughing]

Cathy 22:30

Well, I am going to selfishly move this conversation then to I think I really love which is the whole Heero/Trowa/Duo like trio dynamic that is happening. There's a lot of stuff that is going on between these three people on every leg of this triangle that is happening in Episode 19/20 and I just would love to talk about it.

Mallory 22:53

There's a lot of emotional entanglement going on.

Kat 22:56

So I liked when Trowa sees that Duo is captured and then -- on his Gundam TV -- and is like, "I bet Heero will handle that, it's cool." Like just, just assumes that he's going to take care of that guy.

Mallory 23:10

Well he knows right you know knows that Duo is like Heero's first boyfriend.

Caitlin 23:16

I liked when Duo said, "I don't want anyone else besides you to kill, kill me Heero." And then when Heero's like, "Yeah, I'm actually going to kill you," Duo's like WHAT?

Mallory 23:24

"Why would you do that?" Sad puppy eyes.

Caitlin 23:27

"WHAT? You're really, you're really gonna do it?"

Cathy 23:31

And I love how that is also then followed up by a scene where Trowa is actually forced to shoot Deathscythe and doesn't hesitate.

Caitlin 23:42

That depressed me.

Cathy 23:43

There's like this beautiful like, to me. you know this like, I don't even know what to explain about it. Where like Heero goes with the express intent to kill Duo and then does-- isn't able to do it for one reason or another which is not really, you know, even lingered upon but it is amazing, see, I love that.

Kat 24:00

It's they're, they're in love.

Mallory 24:01

Could, he just couldn't he doesn't know why

Cathy 24:03

He just couldn't and

Caitlin 24:04

He's not good at killing people, actually,

Kat 24:07

He's not good at killing hotties he likes.

Cathy 24:09

What I love specifically is both of these scenes involve a thing where the assault ,the assailant throws away his gun. But in this case, Heero throws a gun at Duo and says "your right hand is okay, right?" being like, you can use this gun.

Caitlin 24:22

Aww

Cathy 24:23

And then in Trowa's thing, he throws away his puny little gun so that he can ask for beam cannon so they can actually destroy Deathscythe. So I, again, I have no idea who wrote this. But like if you read that in a fic, you'd be like hell yeah, this person knows what they're doing.

Mallory 24:39

Oh, yeah.

Cathy 24:40

I just wanted to point that out. I loved it. I ate that up with spoon

Mallory 24:43

The shipping the one true pairing OTP./OT3 energy is real strong in these episodes.

Cathy 24:49

Oh so good

Mallory 24:49

And Kat and I have been watching the dubs and then watching the subs after for each of the two episodes and the delivery of the dub actors versus the sub actors is so different between Duo and Heero that it like really informs the pairing dynamics that you might see in fic.

Kat 25:11

Yeah, watching the dub is like, "Oh, I see." Like, this is exactly fic duo where he's like, you're gonna kill ME? Versus like, "oh, you're really gonna kill me?" Like it's it's so different.

Mallory 25:25

It's it's really different. And like, for me the difference in the delivery of the the exchanges, especially as they're escaping after Heero has rescued Duo is so different. In the dub, Duo and Heero's relationship is more one-sided, like Duo likes Heero and has affection for him, but Heero is still kind of like closed off. But in the sub, I hear more, sort of, we're already in love with each other, but we don't know it yet. Whereas in the dub, this is like, pre we even have feelings for each other. Does that makes sense?

Caitlin 26:00

It's interesting that you do so much deep reading of these inflections when I was just like, the dub acting is not very good. [laughter]

Kat 26:10

Well, I mean, it could definitely be that.

Mallory 26:12

right?

Kat 26:12

But it just, it feels so different. But I guess more in terms of how it might inform fandom reading of the characters.

Mallory 26:21

Yeah,

Kat 26:21

Like watching one or the other. Like I if I watched only one I would have a different view of how those two characters interacted.

Mallory 26:30

Right, the first time I ever watched Gundam Wing and then went and read fanfic, I was I was really confused by the presentation of Duo because in fanfic he's just kind of this like hapless... I don't know sort of like [laughing] not the not smart character [laughs]

Caitlin 26:49

He's a baka!

Kat 26:50

He's a dumb baka.

Caitlin 26:52

That's the term.

Mallory 26:52

Okay, well, I just didn't, didn't want to say it. [laughs]

Caitlin 26:55

Do we, do we need to pull out the vows of not making Duo a baka again?

Cathy 27:02

Nooo we don't

Kat 27:03

Oh my god. Yeah.

Cathy 27:04

We don't we don't need to go to the Society for the Defense of Duo's Intelligence.

Caitlin 27:08

Yes, we need to review our laws of not making Duo a baka.

Kat 27:14

He has read one book. But I mean, he's, he's just not, like he gets overwhelmed by mobile dogs. It's not like he's a moron getting captured and stuff.

Cathy 27:23

I do also want to say that, like he does, he is following this particular like, hurt/comfort trope.

Mallory & Kat 27:31

Yeah/Mmhmm

Cathy 27:32

That I don't know why was so pop-- I don't know if it's still popular now but it was incredibly popular then. And in order for that trope to work, somebody has to constantly like be beat up or like in

Caitlin 27:45

Yes

Cathy 27:45

a state of pain or in a state of peril

Caitlin 27:48

Umm

Cathy 27:48

And unfortunately,

Caitlin 27:50

I think this is definitely still a thing but it's a little bit different now. Whump has evolved I think,

Kat 27:56

Yeah.

Caitlin 27:57

it still exists though.

Kat 27:58

It's not quite the same

Cathy 27:59

And, but it definitely doesn't exist the same way as it used to, which was very explicit and very blunt. And in order to get there you kind of had to put one of the characters kind of in like stupid situations I feel like? and

Kat 28:11

Yeah,

Cathy 28:12

Yeaaaah

Caitlin 28:12

And that was Duo so I,

Cathy 28:14

These days you're not allowed to beat characters up as much. You kind of have to justify it.

Kat 28:19

Yeah, I think also you find fewer authors that are like I'm gonna write 40 fuckin fic and Duo is gonna get his ass kicked in every single one of them.

Cathy 28:28

Yeah (?)

Caitlin 28:29

I don't know though, because if you, when you dive in, in the tags, you can see some really wild things with contemporary fandoms. It's just not the fic that's, that's dominating the like, rec lists or like the circles that

Kat 28:41

Definitely the whump is a lot less dark.

Mallory 28:44

Yeah.

Kat 28:45

Well, good thing Gundam Wing canon provides. Duo gets his ass beat multiple times n canon so... by other pilots, it is great. That's why he's a fave.

Caitlin 28:53

He looks beautiful in these episodes

Kat 28:56

He really does

Caitlin 28:57

When he's like beating up in the cell. When Heero's like, "No, you can't come with me because you're useless." [laughter]

Caitlin 29:03

And he's like, be a little kinder next time.

Cathy 29:06

I love that Heero was just like, well go to school for me. I'm like, are you?

Mallory 29:10

Yeah.

Cathy 29:10

[laughter] What is wrong with you, Duo doesn't look anything like you?

Kat 29:14

Didn't Heero already go to that school? [laughter]

Caitlin 29:16

He made a whole speech

Mallory 29:17

You made a whole speech in front of everybody.

Kat 29:19

"Oh, you're gonna be real popular buddy."

Cathy 29:23

And I kept being like, is that like, I remember this. I really do remember this scene where he's just like, go to school. And like now I'm watching and I'm like, it is just as weird as I remember it. [laughs]

Caitlin 29:33

Wait, wait, wait, you know what the real point of him saying that is so now we know that Duo knows that Heero used his name,

Kat 29:41

Right, yes.

Caitlin 29:41

to enroll in school. So now Duo in our fanfics can think, "oh my god, he used my name, he's obsessed with me."

Kat 29:47

"What a fucking weirdo." [laughter]

Caitlin 29:49

"Maybe he really is in love with me. Blah, blah, blah blah." So that is like, him saying that I think is some sort of like pure fan service where it doesn't really make any sense and it's just to let us know that this character now knows this other character thinks about him.

Cathy 30:04

I completely lost my shit at this episode, I just want to tell you. I was like watching it and losing my shit.

Caitlin 30:10

These are really good episodes. I like fell asleep during them 'cause there's something wrong with me obviously. But they're really good episodes, a lot of stuff happens to the point where I think it's hard for us to think of things to like, really substantive things to say. They're just good action episodes.

Cathy 30:25

So before we move on, one last thing, you know, we had this amazing moment with Sally Po and the Maganacs when they met each other and they're kind of like, "you know, a Gundam pilot? I know Gundam pilot." It was great. I'm glad that we haven't forgotten Sally Po.

Kat 30:43

I'd like that you shouted out the Maganac names because in one of my one of my notes is like, "it's so nice that they have names now."

Caitlin 30:49

They all have names

Cathy 30:51

I love them.

Mallory 30:51

And they have personality. And I like that they're ribbing with each other like, "Oh, Abdul's plans never work the way they're supposed to, ugh."

Caitlin 31:00

Yeah, there's a token fuck up. It's great.

Kat 31:02

Yeah. [laughter]

Cathy 31:05

I really, I mean, I, those are like the little things that I think. I don't know, it just overall, there is a really rich universe in Gundam Wing that I'd forgotten about the first time I watched it. And it was nice to see that there are these moments in the show that there's no reason for anybody to shout out. But the fact that each of the Maganacs had a name. Each of them had a personality.

Kat 31:25

And some style.

Cathy 31:26

Yeah. So we kind of had like a weird hybrid cultural artifact that we wanted to talk about today. Kat you had brought up this video, which is of Super Robot Wars.

Kat 31:39

Yeah.

Cathy 31:40

Which is a part of the Gundam franchise more generally. And then I also just wanted to talk about my experience with Gundam fighting games, but you first.

Kat 31:48

So Super Robot Wars isn't just the Gundam series, but it's most, most of them are produced by Sunrise, but it's like a Bandai Namco Entertainment game. So even Evangelion mecha have shown up in it. But there's a ton of different Gundam characters and robots, like a turn based RPG with different characters mecha and storylines they pull from all different anime series, mostly Gundam.

Caitlin 32:19

Does it give you more information about the Gundam Wing world? Do you get like more details with the characters?

Kat 32:27

Not a ton, sadly. I mean, not for gonna wing. Maybe for other ones. There's like one specific Super Robot Wars, Super Robot Wars W which was for the DS that had Quatre and Duo, and Duo is disguised as Heero Yuy and you have to play a mission to sneak them to Earth. I've watched like YouTubes but Super Robot Wars always felt like one of those canons like side canons that I could never really access as a kid? And now that I could do it, it's sort of like eh. Treize is in it actually, Treize is in Super Robot Wars W also, he's the Federated Earth Nation President.

Cathy 33:08

So I okay, so there there is a running joke I have with my friends and this is kind of rude and I'm really sorry. I do think there is a certain element of like, what I usually associate with kinda Reddit anime fandom, or a certain element of like, and I'm sorry to say this but like "cis male anime fandom on Twitter?" And I call them Dragon Ball versus Naruto fans and those are people [laughter] are always talking about who is stronger, or like who would win in the battle, Naruto vs Goku? And like, to me that is like the least interesting thing about watching either series.

Caitlin 33:43

It's the dumbest shit.

Cathy 33:44

Right? Like I don't give a shit. Like

Kat 33:46

Right, who would smooch who?

Mallory 33:48

Yes,

Cathy 33:48

The reason why I bring this up is like, is I wondering if, if that is what Super Robot Wars is supposed to appeal to? Like? Is there an element where you want to see all of the Gundams from, and all of the like, mecha from the different series come together and fight. Like who? Like what is the appeal of this game?

Kat 34:10

I think it is. It's like getting to interact like with all these different things from franchises you like. But it's not like a mecha-to-mecha thing all the time. I don't know it's maybe it is, it's not a fighting game though. You're, it's an RPG.

Cathy 34:26

Okay,

Caitlin 34:27

Interesting

Kat 34:27

The White Fang from Gundam Wing in the future is like a villain. Like they ally with a rebellion from Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam so like, so it's that kind of thing. But I

Mallory 34:41

I mean, I can see why people would why it would appeal to a certain segment of population that games manufacturers would assume are watching the shows. [laughter] You know, it's it's just like the novelty of seeing. I don't know, isn't that why movies like Civil War? And

Cathy 35:01

Yes, absolutely.

Mallory 35:01

all of those are so popular because it's like, I just want to see them bashing against each other like Superman versus Batman versus Iron Man, you know,

Kat 35:10

There's got to be a mecha versus mecha game though like that feels like it has to exist. This one is interesting, because I think it's interesting that Gundam Wing is sort of outside the greater shared Gundam universe. So for them to pull it in for this was always interesting to me, because I was like, I always liked Gundam Wing as a kid because it's like, "oh, I can watch this. But I don't need to watch this other stuff that's going to be like 20 bucks for a VHS tape with two episodes on it."

Caitlin 35:39

Right. But then you could you could get into Gundam Wing, and then you could be like, oh, Gundam Wing is in Super Robot Wars. So I play that and then suddenly you get into these other things,

Kat 35:48

Right. exactly.

Cathy 35:50

So I actually played Gundam Wing: Endless Duel on an emulator and Gundam Wing: Endless Duel is actually a robot versus robot fighting.

Kat 35:59

Hell yeah!

Cathy 36:00

And, um, I really don't remember how I got this. I think somebody handed me like a CD-R? of all these have like an SNES emulator.

Caitlin 36:10

C! D! R!

Cathy 36:11

And there was Gundam Wing Endless Duel and I think like a Sailor Moon flaming game, maybe?

Caitlin 36:16

There is a Sailor Moon fighting game.

Caitlin 36:17

Yeah, that definitely exists, yes.

Cathy 36:19

So I played, so I remember, you know, and my mom was never gonna listen to this, she'll never know that I did this. I used to, like sneak down into our basement, like get on the computer in our basement and like play, like, you know, from the hours of like, 2am to like 4am, play like Gundam Wing Endless Duel, which was all in Japanese at the time, I had no idea was going on. So I was just like, mashing buttons. I was not particularly good. But it is great. And there is a lot of like, you know, obviously everybody forms opinions about like, who is the best Gundam and who is the worst Gundam? Like I think Heavyarms sucks. [laughter] So it's always like, beat up on Heavyarms while you're playing? Because you're like, "Yeah, he suuuucks." And like, there is this really fun moment where you get to try on all these weird ideals that come up in Gundam Wing. And I'm sure that's true of every Gundam game, but I like there is a moment where it's like, "oh, yeah, this is what it feels like to be a cishet anime male being like Naruto vs. Goku." That was my Naruto versus Goku moment.

Kat 37:18

I feel like the suits definitely made it further then the characters and Gundam Wing

Caitlin 37:23

was very much their own characters in a lot of ways. And like a lot of fans are just really into the cha-- and into the suits. It's like, it's like, instead of your waifu who you have your mecha. Maybe or maybe you can have both.

Kat 37:36

Uhhh, my mecha could be my waifu. [laughter]

Cathy 37:40

On that note, thank you guys for joining us to discuss Episodes 19-20 and also marrying a robot.

Caitlin 37:48

Nothing wrong with that.

Cathy 37:49

Nothing wrong with that. We appreciate all robot fuckers on this podcast. [laughter] Thank you guys, see you next time.

Kat 37:59

Keep in touch! Hear about our new episodes on Twitter at TallgeesePod. Find our full transcriptions on Tumblr at UntitledTallgeesePodcast dot Tumblr dot com and follow us on Instagram at UntitledTallgeesePodcast for behind the scenes deets, fandom artifacts, and memes.

#gundam #gundam wing #mobile suit gundam #anime nostalgia #90s anime #anime podcasts #untitled tallgeese podcast #episode 10 #transcripts

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werevulvi · 4 years ago

Text

Perhaps it's not so special to just be a woman. Half the population is. So what? But to me it is a huge thing. To even be able to say those words "I am a woman." They feel magnetic somehow, clinging to my tongue. It's like the word "woman" has a texture in my mouth like no other word does, vibrating at a different frequency. As if it's poisonous to taste. Yet I taste it, yet I say it. And I will keep saying it until I've cleansed it, no matter how long it takes. No matter how annoyingly repetitive and unnecessary it may sound to you.

It is a big deal to me, because up until age 29, I never spoke of myself using that word. Not even once. To then pick it up, for the first time, at age 29... was huge. And it's been 2 years since then now, but I'm still struggling with it, and it's still huge. I still don't understand why it's so hard for me to hold and hold onto that word, yet I am fiercely protective of it. I toss it away, then pick it up again, remorseful and protective of it. And I do that again and again. For each time I pick it up again, it's as if I understand its value a little bit more. All the significance, trauma, love, pain and curiosity it carries. It is mine, and no matter how hard it is to hold... I refuse to ever truly let go of it.

I may not look like a woman, I may not even want to! But why does it matter? Why should it matter what a woman looks like? Am I taking it too far, with the masculinity, the beard and bald head? Am I pushing my idea of freedom for women's expression too far? "Yes, women can be masc and gnc, BUT..." is what I keep hearing. But what? "...but you're taking it too far by looking like a whole ass man" is what I feel like the rest of the sentence, which they do not speak, is. Perhaps I'm wrong, I can't read minds. But sometimes I feel like people's minds are so loud that I can't not hear their thoughts.

I get a lot of backlash for every time I state myself as a woman, with my obnoxious reluctance to pass as my true identity. It's difficult to properly word that, what I actually mean. Perhaps I mean to say that I refuse to look like the traditional ideal of what people expect a woman to roughly wanna look like, whether that be masculine or feminine, as long as it's clearly recognisably female in some way or another. And my "true identity" has nothing to do with my personality, or my preferred expression, but only my deep down true love for being bio female. Thus, my "reluctance to pass" is indeed my desire to keep and maintain my transition traits, and my "true identity" is my womanhood, but I don't mean it in the same way TRA's do.

That true love for being female, isn't an ideal, but rather something much closer to my survival instinct.

It's that feeling of wanting to protect yourself when in danger. It's that instant self defense you act on without thinking when you feel like you're being threatened. It's that instant reaction of removing yourself from danger the split second it touches you, your body. It doesn't matter which part of you that danger touches, whether it be your hand, knee, your love handles, scarred chest, hairy face or your genitals. No matter what part of you is touched by that danger, you will instinctively protect it. It's in that instinct that I found love for my female nature, in my instinct to protect it from harm. I found it beyond my survival instinct, because no matter what part of me is ever touched by danger, my subconscious mind recognises it as not just lovable and worthy of protection and care, but also as part of the whole. This means, that deep down I'm not just loving myself... I also know that I am whole. No matter how many parts of me are cut off or distorted... I will always be whole.

I don't always feel aware of that like in my frontal lobe, but damn, my reptile brain knows it and won't ever question it.

With that, I found that my dysphoria is a shallow creation of my frontal lobe, and that it's in contradiction of my survival instinct. Being suicidal and/or self-harming is similar to this. Even wanting to die, always came second to my survival instinct. That is probably why I never succeeded to kill myself, and also why I never succeeded to truly hate my body. This does NOT mean that such horrible suffering as dysphoria or whatever feelings lead to self harm, is somehow not real. That is not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying it's a kind of cognitive dissonance, which messes with the very core of your core instincts, and that... I think, makes such psychological issues especially harmful.

And I also mean that my self love may not always have been accessible to me on surface level, but that despite that, it has always been innate.

And with that said... having found my innate self-love, and invited it to my frontal lobe... that is sorta why I can't really regret my medical transition. Even though I still have days when I struggle. Because I can't think of my body as broken anymore. Not since I found that deep, deep, VERY deep down I view myself as whole, lovable, valuable, and worthy of respect, love and safety... no matter what ever happens to me. Because my body is me, and there is no true disconnect between my sense of self and my flesh. Only on surface level there can sometimes be disconnect.

Kinda like the branches on a tree may be disconnected at the crown, but deeper down they all share the same trunk. I see myself in a similar manner. That at the top of the tree is most of my conscious thoughts, feelings, memories, etc, as well as all the various parts of my body. Or that is what my frontal lobe is aware of. That is how I perceive myself on surface level, as a scattered mess of branches, twigs, leaves and what not, each representing aspect of me, seemingly chaotic and all disconnected. But I'm also partially aware of what's going on deeper within my mind. I'm aware of the trunk that connects all branches, twigs, leaves, etc, and I'm also aware of the roots. Not directly aware, but I sense it like an inkling. I can sense that not only is there a trunk and roots deep down that connects to all twigs, and all twigs to each other, but also there in lies my knowledge that no matter how many of my twigs are left intact... the tree will always be a whole tree.

And it doesn't matter what I look like, or what troubles my body has gone through. Survival will always be the first priority. And my self-love IS equal to my instinct to survive. Because the reason I will always come to my own rescue whenever faced with danger or threat, or perceived danger/threat, is because I love myself. Self-love is the first move before I'm even saving myself from the danger, before that split second reaction takes place. That is how fast, instant and innate my self-love is. It was too obvious to even be aware of, for most of my life.

I think that's why is was so hard for me to find my self love. Because well... it was more deeply buried than my survival instinct itself, which I thought must be the innermost core aspect of my existence. But I was wrong about that. Self-love goes even deeper than survival. THAT is the innermost core aspect. Or so I believe. Can't think of anything that would possibly go even deeper than that.

But also, although I am the most aware on my self-love in moments my survival instinct takes over, I am also aware of it in other moments.

This is also why I can't get rid of my transition traits such as my facial hair. Because finding that true self-love from deep within my core, basically made me fuse all my aspects and physical traits together into a complete wholeness. All needs to be protected and loved. Every twig, every leaf. Sacrificing bits and pieces of me that are not damaging to my health, is self harm and goes against my survival instinct/self-love. It does not matter if the parts of me are in their natural state or medically/cosmetically altered. Even if those parts of me are inconvenient for my social life.

You know how a people who get organ transplants, their bodies try to reject the new organ because their immune system regards it as foreign? Well, this is kinda like that, but the exact opposite. My body/immune system/whatever-the-fuck regards my transition traits as heakthy parts of my original body, and thus to be protected at all costs. Loss of them will result in pain and grief. Just like losing any other part of my body would. And why? Because we mourn the loss of what we love, and what we regard as "ours" and as important, whole, healthy, lovable.

Deep down I do not care as much about such things as having a functional social life. Deep down, I care much more about things like keeping myself whole, safe, healthy and loved. Getting rid of my beard goes against that. Even just shaving it goes against that. My subconscious mind regards such an act as self harm.

Does this make sense to you? That it has nothing to do with "gender," be it manhood, womanhood, dysphoria, femininity or masculinity. It has to do with self-love, self-respect and survival. And that is a hell of a lot more important than being read or respected as a woman by others. No matter how much it hurts, because respecting and reclaiming myself as a woman is also highly important to me. Thus, I have to find a way to be open and honest with myself as a woman, without further harming myself.

I know this is deep and complicated spiritual shit, but I'm just trying to explain something which I think is probably very important. This discovery I had changed my life dramatically. So am I trying to teach self-love? No, I dunno. I don't think I can do that. I don't think anyone can. Perhaps I'm just trying to show a possibility.

I also need to clarify that despite knowing I love myself deep down now, I still struggle to stay connected to that aspect of my brain. And when I'm disconnected from it, I override my survival instinct and it misinterprets itself. Basically I fall out of order and act in a self destructive way, thinking it's self protection when it's actually the opposite. With that I understand that my self-love and my survival instinct are dependent on each other and need to be in harmony with each other to really keep me alive, safe and healthy. And although I'm now sometimes aware of this bond deep with myself, I'm still in imbalance. Because I still confuse self destruction for survival sometimes. When I skip meals, when I stay up too late, when I ruminate, when I smoke cigarettes, when I skip exercising, when I let my dirty dishes mould, etc. So simply being aware isn't quite enough, but it got me very far ahead of myself.

Also, trivial matters and superficial woes still get to me. I'm still human. I'm still fallible. Which is okay, but also frustrating. And that is basically why I love being a woman, while at the same time I also still struggle to accept myself as a woman, because it does include accepting being too norm-breaking for the society that I live in to accept me. And that hurts. It's a challenge that I'm not gonna overcome over night, just because I found the most important key to my healing. It's still just a key, a framework or an attitude - not a cure or some kinda magical spell. It's highly valuable and extremely important, but I still need to properly work through my emotions and learn how to navigate my social issues.

But what I feel my self-love is doing to help me, is carrying me through all this, and soothing me when I most need it. It makes my struggle worth it, and it makes me see a hell of a lot more of my potential than I was ever aware of before. The only backside of it is... well, it seems it does get to my head sometimes, and causing me some mild narcissistic tendencies. It sometimes makes me impatient hearing people with low self-esteem go on and on about how worthless they feel. That isn't great, I know. I'm working on fixing that error too.

By Werevulvi, dated November 29th, 2020.

#my text #detransition #womanhood #gender nonconformity #self love #deep ramble #a little controversal maybe

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wormmomma · 4 years ago

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MIDSOMMAR SPOILER REVIEW: this movie fucking broke me

CW:RAPE, ABUSE, PEDOPHILLIA

“Midsommar” is a grimm fairytale of sorts. A fairly different homage to the cult film the “wicker man”. “The wicker man” is about a european cult being investigated by a british christian cop, “midsommar” avoids the christian indictment of pagan/occult religious practices. midsommar attempts to be an out and out horror film unlike the a genre bending murder mystery/horror/thriller roots of “The wicker man”. Director ari aster obviously wanted to add to the annals of folk horror by creating an ambitious beautifully horrific and sometimes downright psychedelic film. Ari aster wanted to make a film where you can��t hide from the horror as it all happens in front of you. It's also a breakup movie for some reason? As someone who has seen the theatrical cut twice and the director's cut once I can assure you it misses the mark when taking both concepts. If you're wondering whether not to watch the film i think that on a technical level “midsommar” is beautiful and has amazing cinematography, but the answer is yes, but no. Jordan Peele was shown an advance copy of the film and told Aster "I think you’ve made the most idyllic horror film of all time" that high praise. But that being said for personal reasons this will be my final time seeing the film. I think the director's cut is a gorgeous and amazing three hour film. But as someone personally affected by rape, pedophillia, and the victimization mentally or physically handicapped people i cant reccomend this film wholeheartedly. I'm far from squeamish and love films that revel in shock, horror and extremity but I cannot in good conscious recommend a film I almost walked out on. I think Ari Aster has backpedaled immensely in his ability to create horror that exhibits empathy for his characters and the triumphs and tragedies that he subjects them too. “Hereditary” had an amount of emotional pathos for its characters that was almost completely removed from “Midsomer”. The fim feels unreasonably cruel even for a horror movie. Although enjoyable, proceed with caution “Midsommar” is a beautiful, slow, horrific but ultimately controversial mess of a film. 8/10

(the rest of this review is a plot synopsis and a meditation on the more controversial passages in the movie and is to be read for those who have actually seen midsommar. Spoilers abound!)

So what’s it about?

Midsommar is about Dani, an anxious and vulnerable young woman dating an emotionally abusive and reserved boyfriend named christian. After her bipolar sister commits suicide and murders both there parents, Dani goes on a european excursion with cristian with his anthropologist friends as they study a swedish cults midsommar summer solstice tradition. Dani reeling not only from having her parents taken from her by their favorite child, but also from the lack of any real emotional support goes on a gorgeous, psychedelia, induced nightmare of the cult horror variety. Immediately after touching down on the swedish cult's beautiful grassy commune christian manipulates dani into taking psychedelics. Christian although quite emotionally stunted and quite meek at his core is very sly and amazing at working people. Watching Christian make Dani do psychedelic drugs (mushrooms i believe) to make her clear refusal to take them into something that not only affects christian but also his friends and everyone around them is almost scary in its hilariously methodical toxicity. This leads to dani having a panic attack and from there the hits just keep on coming. Dani then has to watch as two cultist commit ritual suicide. This traumatic incident further escalated when one jumped off the mountain on his leg and needed to have his head crushed by cult members till it turns to meat and dust. To make a long three hour story with icelandic pacing short lets race to the finish line:

Christian begins to be pursued by a cult member named maja. Dani still reeling from seeing two people commit suicide has her worries invalidated by christian and all of his anthropologist bros. The anthropology bro argues about who deserves to break basically every rule of basic anthropology as they try to see who gets PAID for perverting a culture they were invited to study not disturb. Christian eats one of majas pubes. After pissing on a ceremonial tree for the dead, and taking photos of the forbidden religious text (written by an inbred autistic oracle boy) our two american secondary characters are chopped off. Dani and christian are the final outsiders left standing. Dani joins a dance competition (yes really) and becomes this year's may queen. forever to be immortalized in the annals of white female faces shown in portraits plastered in the sleeping quarters of this matriarchal cult commune. Christian is then raped as we discover how all the bodies of our other character are disposed of. Dani, inebriated and vulnerable, discovers christian being raped by the cult and forced to sleep with the 16 year old maja. Disgusted dani vomits and syncs her cries of pain with the cult sister and finally has her trauma validated. She is given the choice to then murder christian as hes trapped in a paralyzed state. Dani decides to burn christian alive in the body of a bear, finally defeating and overcoming her emotional abuser. Dani smiles as the cult writhes in pain from the death of the cult members burning alive with christian.Dani is happy. She has family. She is home.

So lets (finally) talk about maja

“Look at it from an academic perspective it would provide a unique glimpse into our sexual rights.”

“Can i not have a unique glimpse without participating?”

This is a conversation that is awkwardly cut from the theatrical version of midsommar. Christian is being offered to have sex with maja. Maja is a sixteen year old girl. The closest aster ever comes to revealing this fact is offhandedly mentioning maja having her first period. Christian refuses sex and is raped by maja, and the cult while a fourteen year old disabled child watches. There's a lot wrong with this scene. I’ll be honest for personal reasons I was really disgusted by this scene. I feel like im projecting but rape and pedophellia are really delicate topics and should be treated sensitivity. Ive seen alot of extreme very difficult horror films, i've seen rape, pedophillia, and violence explored in meaningful interesting and empathetic ways even ari asters own work like “meet the johnsons”. But watching maja rape christian with what i would assume are her older siblings, aunts, grandmothers, mother and other cult members as a 14 year old boy watches just made me feel fucking dirty. The weird part: it isn't horrific. While cristian was being raped, the audience I was watching it with were laughing. It wasn't scary. it was funny. It's a cognitive dissonance. The audience isn't aware of christians being raped or majas age. Most people assume he's cheating and deserves to be burned alive by dani. Making christian the bad guy of his own a rape is horrific but i shouldn’t need to hunt down that information and watch the film three times to understand that. It makes the movie feel as if its really bad at relaying basic information, at worst it's dishonestly hiding it to make the film more palatable. After putting all the pieces together I was disgusted. Ari aster crossed a line. I felt queasy and never wanted to see this film ever again. The fact ari aster could have made maja of age, or take the disabled 14 year old out the scene entirely, or not have had christian be raped in the first place while reaching a more understandable and tragic ending annoys me to know end, it feel like i watched these characters be used and mistreated for no reason. Just to shock me. It lacks value, it’s gross and uninteresting. much like christian and everyone involved i feel violated and it's really hard for me to enjoy watching what is an otherwise (although flawed) very interesting and compelling work or art. I’m still morbidly curious of the next film ari aster makes but i really hope he learns for this mistake and doesn't objectify children in another weird fetishistic male rape comedy routine. It just leaves me confused, disgusted and only makes it more challenging to analyze the more interesting implications of the film. I really appreciated hereditary as someone who has a very emotionally abusive family and has a very hard time processing death. I found hereditary horrific as it is cathartic. As someone who had to quite recently confront a pedophile, midsommar just left me hurt, and trapped. I was reliving some of the worst parts of my trauma as an audience sits around and laughs at it. It all felt so tragic and meaningless. I want to actually give ari asters work an honest critique but he's produced the only work of film that really hurt me and left me feeling violated. I really love his work and I know I'm exaggerating but I hope art never has such a negative effect on my mental health or anyone else’s ever again. I don't blame Maja or christian or the actor who portrayed them. I respect their performances although I have zero respect for how utterly tasteless midsommar ended up being for me. I think I need to learn how not to take art so seriously and try not to invest myself in other people's work. It's a difficult habit to kick. Needless to say, I cannot recommend this movie. If you're able to separate art from the artist and read this whole review without watching the film you're not a bad person for watching it, midsommar is a compelling, difficult experience.

I hope you enjoyed this review and I'm sorry if it got wayyy too personal in the end there. The movie clearly struck a raw nerve for me. if you enjoy this or any review i've dones let me know. I may reveiw hereditary in the future.if your also having issues with death, rape, abuse or mental health i hope this review didnt make it worse. Everyone is deserving of love, family, community and I hope everyone can find that. Have a good day, and have a safe quarantine.

#movie #reveiw #horror #cults #ari aster #midsommer spoilers #midso #midsommer #film #jordan peele #bear #analysis #critque #hot take #problematic

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violetsystems · 4 years ago

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#personal

As promised, I am projecting less frustration this morning. I think maybe just because the rhythm of things in my life. I read that ritual during the pandemic has been a reliable coping mechanism for many. I have very small rituals. I get a bowl of Yukejang from down the street on Sundays. Same order. Same price. I tap it into a spreadsheet somewhere in the cloud and plan around it. All the way back in September, I chiseled out a budget for myself to figure out how to weather out this situation. The situation as it is continues to morph and shift towards the edges of chaos. This is why I try to keep things normal through planning and maybe a little ritual. I’ve been writing the same three paragraphs here for too many years for me to count. There are actually people out there who get what I’m saying. Sometimes people just like to read them. Other people just like to skim them. But these rituals kind of keep the element of control over your life in focus. Some rituals can go a little overboard. And sometimes some pandemics can go longer than a year. I try to plan for the future all the same without having much to go on. I know that a vaccine needs to happen first. At this point I won’t see that until earliest June. I’ve been seeing jobs in my salary range but nothing I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I’ve made enough money by myself this year to worry about paying taxes. But it isn’t something I really feel is sustainable. And this is where thoughts start to spiral out of control. Which is what brings me back to rituals. I make it through week to week in probably one of the most bullshit situations by looking forward to things. Broadcasting on Fridays is fun even if nobody watches it live. I’ve learned that creating content for output is more important than worrying about the results. For all the intelligent words I write, a lot of the things that come out of my actual mouth on the fly are incredibly stupid and funny to me. I like that that brings me down to earth somehow. Because most of the time I’m wondering if I’m even visible to the naked eye. You can fade away into your own self doubt even if you seem the most confident and together person. This can happen because the world ceaselessly throws shade. People don’t want you to succeed because it complicates things. Doesn’t fit into whatever plan or main questline you haven’t been briefed on. These days I’ve grown less sensitive to suggestion. I follow my own path and rules no matter what feelings it evokes. And yes I feel a sense of dread more often than not. I feel actual mental pain quite often. And that pain doesn’t come from inside of me or the result of things I do other than work out or ride my bike. The pain is the pressure from society to put it all on you. People out there are just as confused, lost and fearful. To have some sort of closure or something to blame lifts that temporarily. It’s not always true. Paranoia and isolation does that to people. Even to me. So I like to focus on the sacred parts of my life that I’ve kept to myself. And ritual keeps me in a predictable mood. That you keep going on week to week because you’ve created space that you and you alone value.

Sometimes other people value it too. And that gets tricky to manage. It isn’t really in my best interest to be at odds with society all the time. I am a loner mostly because I grew up an only child. But I’ve become a lot less sensitive as a result of whatever crucible of destiny I’ve been forged in. I think sometimes when you walk the path of ritual, it’s easy to stay in your lane. For me, for all these years I’ve been doing pretty much the same exact thing in real life often. Mostly to not cause anyone cognitive dissonance enough to fuck with me. Society is a nightmare anywhere you are it seems. Chicago can be batshit insane. It makes me project that like a mirror sometimes when I’m exhausted. And the things that keep me going aren’t always there front and center to hold my hand. I’m tough enough at this point to take it. But it’s a lot of disappointment to live with. The ritual of having a salaried job working with people who seemed pretty much like they were your friends was disrupted by all this a year ago. I got ghosted. I never really understood why. Over the months, I blamed myself over and over again. And then I started to realize people were hopelessly locked within themselves. They couldn’t communicate anything meaningful so they just decided to let it go entirely. Or I did. Communication to me over the years is funny. Sometimes people say the most to me without saying any words. If you walk away from a job after twenty years and everyone you work with pretends you never existed that’s a message. The opposite is true. If you wake up every morning to cryptic interactions on your phone that probably means something too. If you write three paragraphs every week for three years on the internet to nobody in particular, it’s true somebody will read it. Maybe somebody will even have the reading comprehension to enjoy it. The ritual of it is pretty sacred to me. I think people know me well enough to realize I err on the side of authenticity. I don’t like to betray the things that keep me going. I know how it feels to be betrayed. It sounds so cold saying that. But I’m sure we all know it to a certain degree. Some people get so abandoned that they have no choice but to move forward. And how you keep yourself moving at a regular pace in these times is anybody’s guess. Sanctuary is something more than ritual. It’s a space where you feel safe enough to protect the things that keep you alive. A safe spot to pursue your life, liberty and happiness despite the world’s encroaching bullshit around you. After years of pacing the streets here people have varying opinions of me and my rituals. It’s not the most ideal situation by far. But if anyone knows anything about maintaining sanctuary in one of the world’s most in your face cities, it is me. I’ve been to New York enough to know. Chicago is some sort of nightmare zone mix of both coasts. It’s also still fairly affordable to live. It’s also fairly free enough to go about your business with more than a few stares. People are bored, hungry, and anxious. People are looking for rituals and ideas for their own. And sometimes people cross the line of sanctuary and the holy ground gets smaller. I can’t even take out my trash without a dirty look sometimes. And I have to manage it just the same. When I shut the door and mutter to myself about politics and the government or whatever, nobody comes knocking. Or I’m over it quick enough so nobody does. Kind of like here. The good news is spring is here. I can open up the windows and listen to music alone. I can continue to work on my search for meaningful employment wherever that may take me. I honestly think after all this time someone has better ideas on where I belong.

That somebody has most always had to be me. I had to take the initiative in this entire situation. And it’s become something else entirely. I build rituals around that. Some outdated rituals I retire. Kind of like how I was. I used to travel to New York every couple of months before this all went to shit. I think I may go back this summer for a few days. I don’t really have a solid answer for the future in my head. I’ve had more time to enjoy things. I spend way more time learning how to block in Tekken and it actually becomes a whole new game. I could be harassing people in public and on the internet but I’d rather just keep to myself. I am lonely just like anyone would be in this situation. But people communicate with me just the same. And it’s on me to value it enough to interpret whether it’s worth my time. I keep hearing the president proclaim that July will mark our independence from the virus. It’s ironic. I was let go two days before the fourth last year. Still nursing those wounds as you would expect. Simply because there’s no closure. No acknowledgement of anything. And this is what I’ve had to read into. I’m on my own in this. And then again I’m not. I’ve led myself through an absolute shit show daily. And I’ve maintained sanctuary enough to keep doing it. The rituals and sacred things I hold dear are protected by the reputations I uphold. The moral capital I reserve is the real hard work. Because often I would like nothing other than to go apeshit in the face of all this misunderstanding and hallucinatory bullshit. It’s like being a celebrity and a pariah at the same time. Banging your head against the wall trying to read into everybody’s sudden interest in whatever it is you represent in real time. I don’t really know what people want from me at all. And in some ways it doesn’t matter here in America. This is what I’ve come to realize in some respects about freedom. It’s complex, messy and not easily managed efficiently. And yet no other country in the world has this many layers to navigate. If you hold your ground long enough, nobody dares cross the line. I mean nobody. For as funny, sardonic and self deprecating as I can be, people are still ultimately scared shitless of me. I’ve grown to understand that and work on that as best I can in a bullshit situation. And through that I’ve found that staying true to the things you love and care about require meditation. Self awareness and self care are the only weapons to guide you through a process that is meant to break your individual will. I could blame capitalism. I could blame the government. I could unite and tear down the very fabric of society that has kept me invisible and be forgotten all over again. And then I realize both sides are to blame mostly because nobody is really talking to anyone. Entire political parties acting like they meet you eye to eye on the street when everyone has their head slung down low at every moment of the day. And I’m not exactly interested in inviting more people into my life to violate my already questionable boundaries of privacy. Rituals give us the focus to concentrate on the things that really matter to us. Maybe they help us define what is sacred to us. If people respect that the sanctuary grows. If people challenge, question or hijack the narrative, you write them out of the story. It’s definitely easier to control the pen when nobody is on your back to tell you how to write your dreams. I wholeheartedly want that for everybody. A real sanctuary for people to be themselves. It’s not easy to manage. But where ever I end up I know want thing is true. I will always keep things sacred when it comes to you. <3 Tim

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solarpunkvegan · 4 years ago

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Please cite your sources. Listen, I believe you, and if you're wrong, it's most likely because you believe it yourself. Some people do intentionally lie, of course, but I don't believe it's the majority.

I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Most people are ignorant not stupid, meaning they lack knowledge, not the ability to understand that knowledge. We thought the internet age would bring about a second enlightenment because everyone would have access to knowledge. But then disinformation, misinformation, and lies pervaded it.

When you try to teach me sometime new I didn't know, I'm excited, I love learning. I trust that you probably aren't out to lie to me. But if we don't cite our sources, how can we ever stave off our post-truth age where facts are meaningless?

I know you're busy, I know it's not your "job" to do the research for others. But when there's too much info out there it becomes confusing and overwhelming. If you want to educate you need to cite sources, even if you find that people refuse to click on them, which happens to me a lot. At least you've done your part. The knowledge is right there at their fingertips, if they choose not to click it, they know they're choosing to not listen to your side. If you cite sources, even if no one clicks them, it appears to anyone looking like you've done your research, which you have, and it changes the way they look at your content. The person you're talking to might refuse to listen, but you've still planted a seed. Anyone else watching sees that you not only were calm, logical, kind, and posted sources, but if they click the sources themselves they can see that the person arguing against you didn't bother to click the sources themselves.

Yes, people have said to me, literally, "I can just post an opposite source!" All. The. Time.

And yes, when I nicely asked one of them to post their source they blocked me. (BTW, this was about masks and was with another animal rights activist, someone who's been vegan for over a decade and is over 40 years old. The source I posted was from Dr. Greger, a famous plant-based doctor who donates all his proceeds from book sales and speaking tours to charity, has a free app and website with no ads or corporate sponsors that runs on donations and volunteers. He doesn't sell any pills, diet fads, scams, or other products besides some cute t-shirts that also go into the site maintenance.)

In blocking me she probably also removed my comments which is not ideal. That's what makes Tumblr great in some respects, when they block me they can't delete what I've said. Anyone watching will see what has occurred: one person was calm, kind, and posted sources, the other was angry, mean, and then blocked them. YouTube comments are the same way, the person who made the video can erase comments or turn them off, but they usually don't want to because comments drive the alogoritm and get the video more views. So if we have debates about veganism in the comments of vegan videos we do 3 things:

Boost the video, using the algorithm to our advantage.

Have a debate with someone and potentially change their mind.

Let others see us being calm, logical, rational, kind, and posting credible sources.

Plant seeds for whoever sees any of this, including those we debate with.

I need to stop doing this type of activism myself as it's not good for my mental health and it distracts me from work I think I could do more good with, my YouTube videos and art. It can be grating, it can take a toll, but so can any activism. It may seem like "slacktivism" but if you are someone with less options for activism than others it could be ideal. Not everyone can participate in all forms of activism and different kinds are good for different people. If the way you want to do activism is by opening a vegan bakery, or making vegan art, or donating to vegan organizations, signing petitions, sharing things on social media, etc. all are helpful. But in all endeavors it's best to stay calm, kind, respectful, and to post links to sources and quote those sources too. If this is something you struggle with that's ok, this type of activism may not be for you. If talking to people stresses you out, raises your anxiety, or if you have a hard time staying calm, then that's ok, maybe just do something else with your time and energy.

But if you are going to post, try to make those posts kind and informative. That doesn't mean never being blunt, or not using certain words, or not calling it like it is. It simply means not using ad hominem attacks, attacking people's personality, ridiculing their beliefs, culture, or religion, bringing up things that have nothing to do with the debate at hand, cursing, calling people stupid, calling people "brainwashed" or "hypocrites" or "sheep", focusing on their looks, being ableist, fatphobic, racist, sexist, xenophobic, anti-neurodivergent, etc. Not only is none of that necessary to help the animals, I think it actively makes our job harder and hurts the movement overall. Shame and guilt doesn't work. Negative reinforcement works much less effectively than positive reinforcement. Being cruel to others makes people hate us as a group. Of course that's not fair or justified or right, but it's the way it is. Humans always lump people into categories and then make assumptions based on them. That's how our brains work, sadly. We're all biased. We all experience some cognitive dissonance sometimes. We all judge ourselves and others. But we can work to change that and it starts with you every time you're kind instead of cruel.

Instead of being cruel towards humans and asking them to be kind to animals, we should be kind to humans and ask them to extend that kindness to animals.

You may say "that's some kumbaya bullshit, the real world doesn't work like that" but for starters, that sounds a lot like the argument:

"the world isn't fair, get used to it" that we hear about capitalism. We can choose to change the world to make it fair, or hurt each other because we assume it never can be. The world is cruel because we are all cruel, to some extent. (Yes, some are crueler than others and use their power over others to do cruel things. Yes, some people cause much more harm than others.) We can work to change that to make it kind, instead of assuming it always will be unkind.

And secondly, I believe in being kind to everyone because to me, it's the right thing to do. BUT I also believe it is the most effective praxis when trying to change minds. It's not just about what makes me feel good as some silly hippy or whatever you want to say. No, it's also what I truly believe we need. Based on all the evidence I have absorbed over the years, this is the radical paradigm shift I think we need. (I could be wrong, I'm always learning and my mind is open to being changed.) Our world is based on cruelty. Don't you want to oppose that? And don't you want to "be the change you wish to see"? Doesn't it start with you? If you don't believe the fallacy that "one person can't change anything" then aren't you one person who can change things? We can't control other people. We can't force them to have compassion for others. But we can have compassion ourselves. Isn't that what personal responsibility is about? How do you want to make others feel? What do you want to create in the world? What do you want to add to the human story? You get to decide everyday.

#kind #kindness #compassion #sources #just my thoughts #my thoughts

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theeternalfamily · 4 years ago

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Helaman 9: Comfronting the truth

Have you ever received an answer from the Spirit, but you wish it wasn’t true? It has happened to me, many times. But after years and vast experiences of neglecting the answers I’ve received, I can share my testimony that the Holy Spirit is real, that God loves us and He knows what is best for us, and that pride is when I think I know better than God.

I felt very related to several scriptures from this chapter that I detail below. But before I continue, please bear in mind that if this has happened to you, you are not alone and it is normal. However, let us not fall in the trap of of feeling comfortable in this situation. Instead, if we strive to accept the promptings of the Spirit, we will become stronger in our testimony, in our prayers to God, and in taking better decisions for our lives.

7 And behold the people did gather themselves together unto the place of the judgment-seat—and behold, to their astonishment they saw those five men who had fallen to the earth.

8 And now behold, the people knew nothing concerning the multitude who had gathered together at the garden of Nephi; therefore they said among themselves: These men are they who have murdered the judge, and God has smitten them that they could not flee from us.

I can’t help but sense a spark of irony in this scripture. These are people that are not following God’s commandments, who are more forcused on their wealth and personal gain, but decide to reacognize “God’s hand” when it is their convenience. Which, for the record, those five men they captured were innocent from the murder of the judge. Later in the chapter, when it turns out that God’s hand had instead intervened by allowing Nephi to prophesy, many considered it conveninent to not see it this way because it wasn’t of their convenience.

19 Nevertheless, they caused that Nephi should be taken and bound and brought before the multitude, and they began to question him in divers ways that they might cross him, that they might accuse him to death—

20 Saying unto him: Thou art confederate; who is this man that hath done this murder? Now tell us, and acknowledge thy fault; saying, Behold here is money; and also we will grant unto thee thy life if thou wilt tell us, and acknowledge the agreement which thou hast made with him.

Ok, it is very easy to connect this to those around us that do not agree on our believes and want to convince us otherwise. However, I want to connect this verse to how we question ourselves instead, whether we do it on purpose or not. In Psychology, there is a term called cognitive dissonance. Since Google does a pretty good job defining it, I’ll copy paste its meaning:

“Cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors. This produces a feeling of mental discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance. (McLeod, 2018.)“

Cognitive dissonance is VERY NORMAL for everyone. But it is dangerous when we are not aware of it. In verse 20 we read that Nephi was offered money and saving his life in reward of lying. Sometimes life offers us things that we, consciously or subcinscously, think that we need. And many times, we really do need it. Because of this, we start questioning our “attitudes, beliefs or behaviours” to calm that need that we feel.

Although I’m not vulnerable enough to share the most personal experiences of my life, here are some examples of when I’ve faced these situations in different stages of my life:

-Girls in my school don’t accept me... it’s ok to curse, you’ll have more friends and you’re not offending anyone. (Middle school).

-I don’t like the answer that I received to my prayer...so I start believing that God hasn’t answered my prayers. (High school)

-I feel prompted to not trust my boyfriend because he is being manipulative and seeing someone else... I love him and don’t want to end things with him, so I better believe it’s not the holy spirit, but it’s just me being jealous and insecure. (University)

21 But Nephi said unto them: O ye fools, ye uncircumcised of heart, ye blind, and ye stiffnecked people, do ye know how long the Lord your God will suffer you that ye shall go on in this your way of sin?

If our hearts are hard, we will have much difficulty to learn from above. But if we try to recognize our imperfect human state, and that he have much to learn, we can receive council from God, who knows it all. I have learned a phrase that helps me understand this scripture while trying to be a disciple of Christ:

“When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision. (Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007, 10.)”

It turns our that even though I cursed in school, I didn’t make new friends because of it. Yes, more girls were cheering and talking to me, but turns out they were still badmouthing about me. I remember that on a Sunday, a temple trip was announced and it hit me “If I want to enter the temple, I shouldn’t be cursing as much as I am”.

I called my best friend soon after that and told her that I wasn’t going to curse anymore and that I might need her support to stop. She said “I honestly don’t know why cursing should be a problem, but if this is important to you then I’ll support you 100%”. That’s when I understood that I already had precious friends, I didn’t need to be popular among the others, and that I could be myself and still have this treasure in my life.

I know this is a very simple example, and that cursing doesn’t make you a bad person... but this simple example taught the 12 year old me that I didn’t have to change my belief about how a disciple of Christ speaks to be happier. Instead, trying to speak as a discilple of Christ helped me realize the precious gift of true friendship. And the accumulation of very simple examples like this one, helped me realize more about how the truth won’t change simply because I change. But that when I try to live up to the truth, I’ll understand it better.

When I decided to change my beliefs because I had dissonance, I was “blind”, and “stiffnecked“, and of course I wouldn’t want to recognize it until I figurately hit a wall and couldn’t deny that I was wrong. But I feel very blessed, because no matter how many times I’ve been blind, stubborn, and specially prideful, I have recognized God’s divine intervention to help me see the light.

I testifiy that there is only one truth. And although I don’t know the truth of all things, and I’m definitely far from knowing it all, there is one absolute truth that helps me stand firm even in times of doubt and trouble:

God lives, He knows and loves us perfectly. And we can also know and love Him more.

“If ye love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15).

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” (Matthew 22:37–39)

Living the commandments due to our love for God, will lead us to the path of light. And the more we love God, we will have the power to love others, and this also leads us to more light. Truth is light. Jesus Christ is the source of all light and, therefore, of all truth. I testifiy that the scriptures bring us closer to Jesus Chris, and The Book of Mormon is another Testament of Jesus Christ, which brings us close to our Savior, and therefore, to more truth and light.

Disclaimer: These notes are thoughts that come to my mind while studying the scriptures. I share them with the hope that they might help someone, but I don’t claim them to be perfect. These are based on my experience and I respect other viewpoints and beliefs, and I hope you can respect mine if they differ from yours. Thank you for reading.

Additional resources:

Move forward in faith

Keep my commandments

Two Great Commandments

#church of jesus christ of latter day saints #the book of mormon #Jesus Christ #come follow me

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