#yes I know this doesn't seem to be anything but Izzy hate but I am a sucker for redemption arcs and he had one of the best ones out there

[mermaidlighthouse]

Since I’m apparently making this a fuckin series of posts…I’m gonna look at another Izzy moment/scene from the perspective that while a separate character with other functions and characterizations, Izzy narratively is a personification of Blackbeard and therefore an extension of Ed…this time we’re gonna look at the “you know me better than anyone has ever known me and I dare say the same is true for me about you” and recontextualize it around that premise…

Two things before we begin - First, this is going to be highly critical of Izzy if that’s not for you then skip it, however, this is critical of Izzy from the perspective of someone who does enjoy his character both as a separate entity and in this framework. Second, this interpretation is predicated on the idea that Izzy is both a personification of Blackbeard and that the persona of Blackbeard functions narratively as a physical manifestation of Ed’s poor self-worth and darkest thoughts about himself.

To get to the meat of the scene I think it needs to be said first, that Izzy is canonically and categorically WRONG in his assertion. He doesn’t know Ed all that well at all frankly and it’s apparent from the very first interactions between them. So, let's go through some of those:

The scenes in the Captain’s cabin on the QAR: Izzy didn’t know that Ed was so fucking bored that the idea of something…really anything…out of the ordinary would interest him. We know that Izzy has no qualms with straight-up lying to Ed. “I explicitly told him Blackbeard desired his company.” Even if you take the stance that there should be no way Stede wouldn’t know canonically famous for being Blackbeard’s First Mate Izzy Hands (which I have said before) that means that Izzy assumes he’s just that famous that he should be a known entity but, that still isn’t explicitly saying Blackbeard. With that in mind, why didn’t he just lie to Ed about losing Hornberry? He could have very easily lied about not having been “bested at swordplay”. That’s just another interesting thing about Stede…Izzy ends up being the person who ultimately keeps making Stede seem like the MOST interesting person. The fact that he couldn’t recognize that Ed would not only find Stede initially interesting but would find him even more interesting because he told Blackbeard to “go suck eggs in hell” after they’ve already been following him around is a huge indication that he doesn’t understand Ed at all, let alone better than anyone else.

The first day on The Revenge: so Izzy NEVER realizes that Ed already has a plan to get away from the Spanish. I’m not litigating whether Ed’s actions are manipulative (which I do think there’s a sound reading there btw) I’m simply saying that Izzy was unable to read Ed’s actions or nonactions to recognize he was being played with. I’m also not litigating whether the plan was sound because again my whole point is that Izzy never realized Ed had a plan from the moment Izzy found him on deck. This one may be up for personal interpretation but, if you know a person better than anyone else, it seems like you should have some sort of inkling that they are messing around with you. 

I’m not actually going to go through every interaction between them but I think these showcase that from the start of the show Izzy doesn’t understand Ed, he doesn’t know Ed. Izzy is not telling the truth, he’s lying.

Back to the original premise then

looking at this line from the perspective that Izzy functions as an extension of Blackbeard. So, a lot of the dialogue between Ed and Izzy throughout the show can be read as showcasing when you have self-loathing, the voices in your head will lie to you because you can’t see a way around them. That you can and will lie to yourself when you hate yourself because it’s easier at that point to perpetuate the lies because they’ve been what you’ve told yourself for a very long time. That you may have a skewed perspective especially about yourself. Essentially, I’m saying that Izzy functions as a way to show the audience how Ed talks to himself in his darkest moments, Blackbeard’s voice (in the same way ghost!Nigel functioned for Stede). 

Izzy telling Ed that he knows him best and vice versa is the voice in Ed’s head, Blackbeard, saying “we are the same. I’m the only one who understands you and no one else will see you better than me. I know all your darkest moments which means I know the REAL you. The version of you that I desire is the REAL you. I’m here to protect you from the darkness within and from outside because I’m your only point of contact in the world.” It’s a personification of how low self-esteem or self-worth preys on and isolates you by creating a false dichotomy where no one else will ever identify with you. Or that anyone who thinks you can grow beyond what your low self-worth dictates is “the right way to be” is wrong because they don’t know you, not really. 

It’s the ultimate mindfuck because it’s the voice in your head manipulating you from the inside, it can be very difficult to argue against your own thoughts. We see this in the scene as well, Ed never actually contradicts Izzy even though we already know there are several ways in which Izzy doesn’t know Ed.

This scene shows how Ed can easily feel as though there will be nothing but this, this constant boredom, this constant pain in trying to conform to the darkest thoughts in his head, Blackbeard.

This same logic can be applied to the "This is Blackbeard. Not some namby-pamby pining for his boyfriend" line. Izzy is voicing the idea that the persona of Blackbeard isn't supposed to have emotional entanglements. He's implying that Blackbeard doesn't want or need to be loved, Blackbeard only needs prestige and power. The desire to be loved is all Edward and Edward is nothing without Blackbeard. That Stede is an impediment to who Ed REALLY is. It's mirrored in Izzy telling Stede "I know you think you understand him." It's how your self-loathing can and will attempt to push people away. And Izzy falters when Stede proves that he actually does know Ed, he's fully aware of who Ed is as a person in his entirety and Stede is the person who is going to accept ALL of Ed's iterations. All of these lines from Izzy are lies and manipulation disguised as self-preservation.

The voice of Blackbeard is literally just how Izzy speaks to Ed…and in this way Izzy is the rotten leg that needs to come off................

This is no way justifies or allows Izzy to get off the hook for being manipulative and being an outside person who does all this shit...I'm just looking at how the show allows you to understand Ed better by giving an outside voice to the things Ed is struggling with internally. It can be both.

[dragonmuse]

Oh god, Pete from Mainverse, She Said Love, or “feels like falling” meeting Izzy from the May Be Bad Timeline sounds like an absolute tragedy and I yearn, I tell you! Yearn!

(well if you yearn, who am I to deny! I have one more Alma request after this and then I think I've cleared the ask box, but if I missed yours in a reply etc or you came in late and still have desires let me know! These are quick-ish and such a fun writing exercise!

you know it's feels like falling for maximum sads, c'mon)

They meet on the balcony. Feels Like Pete has a whiskey, he pours one for May Be Bad Izzy.

Pete: You look good.

Izzy: Thanks. I don't know you.

Pete: No? that's a damn shame.

Izzy: Why?

Pete: Because I love you kind of a lot. Or my you anyway.

Izzy: What's he do here? Run a bakery or something?

Pete: He's a detective. But he used to do the job. Good at it too. That's how we met.

Izzy: No fucking way.

Pete: Ouch, but yeah way. I wasn't very good at it. Turns out I'm pretty good at being a husband though and I like that job better. I mean I also work. I'm not a sugar baby or something.

Izzy: *looks away, takes a sip of his drink*

Pete: Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Izzy: I'm not a fucking sugar baby. I set him up in the life, for fuck's sake.

Pete: Set up..Luc? He's doing security?

Izzy: Something like that.

Pete: Lucius. Our Lucius who once gave up red meat for a month before the juice from a raw steak made him queasy?

Izzy: My Lucius hasn't been 'queasy' in a long time. He's good at the work. *sips the whiskey*

Pete: I mean he's good at most things if he really wants to do them. He just usually...doesn't. He's pretty happy drawing, mixing drinks and trying to invent new ways for us all to have sex.

Izzy: He's happy? *quietly devastated*

Pete: Yeah? I mean, I like to think so.

Izzy: How do you KNOW?

Pete: Uh, dunno. He smiles a lot. Got a bit of a skip in his walk. He draws more when he's happy too.

Izzy: *downs the rest of the whiskey*

Pete: Woah woah that doesn't mean it's the same for yours. I mean he sounds pretty different.

Izzy: Am I happy here?

Pete: Um, yeah. I don't think I could make you stay somewhere where you weren't.

Izzy: That's how you know? That he doesn't just leave?

Pete: No. He says it, in his way. The way he holds my hand when he used to never do things like that. The way he smiles when Lucius is home when we get home. The way he tells me things without being asked all the time now and listens when I talk to him. I dunno. It's a lot of things.

Izzy: *nods mutely*

Pete: You could...talk to me? About it? Whatever it is. It's kind of a confessional space.

Izzy: I don't confess for anyone.

Pete: Bet that's not true.

Izzy: I don't...I did. I told him everything.

Pete: Luc?

Izzy: Yeah. I did. I let him have it all. I think sometimes, maybe I didn't get it all back.

Pete: What's that mean?

Izzy: Dunno. but I wonder sometimes. I feel okay most days. I've got things to do, keep me busy. I like our life. Love it sometimes. But others...you ever wake up tired even though you've slept?

Pete: Sure, I know the feeling.

Izzy: Just happens sometimes. Just seems to happen more when he's away. When there's empty space. Time to think.

Pete: I don't...babe, I don't think you're okay.

Izzy: Don't call me that.

Pete: Yeah, my you hates it too. Sorry. But you don't have to walk around feeling like that. I mean, maybe talk to him about?

Izzy: *laughs low* but then he'd try to fix it.

Pete: Yes?

Izzy: I don't want it fixed.

Pete: ...you don't?

Izzy: *looks up* Sometimes it's the only time I think about how it used to be. I have to remember. Keep that. I love him, but I have to be careful.

Pete: I really don't understand.

Izzy: Good.

Pete: Do you maybe want a hug?

Izzy: No.

Pete: Yeah, okay just thought I'd-

Izzy: Fuck. Yes fine.

They hug. Izzy wakes up a little confused, but warm even though the bed is empty. Pete follows his Izzy around a lot the next day, but he does that a lot anyway and Izzy just hands him things and finds him things to do if he's going to be hovering.

[sixstepsaway]

I am so sorry someone already sent you rude comments on your fantastic meta on Ao3. I'm also having a day of being super fed up with the fandom, and it sucks cause this is supposed to be fun! And people make it such a battlezone! You may already know, especially if you were around for the 'Sexy Times with Wangxian' ordeal, but there is a way to use site skins on Ao3 to block users from appearing on your page - I use it to block certain user fics, but coincidentally it does remove their comments from showing up as well (proven when I blocked that one who sent you the rude comments - the comments just disappeared <3)

Posting this so people can see how easy it is to do a block on AO3 even without it being built-in yet.

Thanks for the nice message. I was asked to post the meta to AO3 because it's an archive and because people have been getting a lot out of it and a specific nonnie was anxious about the idea of Tumblr nuking fan pages one day (which isn't an unrealistic concern, frankly). I wasn't doing it for comments or kudos or anything like that, I was doing it to archive on archiveofourown, and I dunno. It was four posts. I was going to just put everything up at once, I thought maybe that would be better, but I thought a few at a time would be better than clogging the tag with too much meta at once.

I might go in and make it chaptered, I dunno. The anon who asked said individual works seemed like a better option because then it could be referenced if someone wanted to tag it as "inspired by" more easily, and because to me it made sense because individual titles make finding specific metas much easier. I don't really want to change how I'm doing it just because someone was an ass, though.

Also, nonnie said meta is uncommon on AO3 and they don't really know why, but I bet I know now tbh.

Fandom can be so toxic, and sometimes it feels crushingly so (especially when I'm already having a rough patch with my anxiety), and other times it just feels like people don't... quite realize how fandom works?

Fandom doesn't exist because the show exists. OFMD doesn't just get allocated a specific amount of "fandom" because it passed a bar of diversity or spice or amount of episodes, it gets a fandom because people can't stop talking about it. It's the talking about OFMD that put it so high on rankings that Rhys Darby has already won an award and it was trending #1 on most popular new show for 7 weeks after it finished airing. Fandom isn't made from a piece of media, and fandom doesn't die when that media is killed, fandom is made from the conversations that spring from that thing.

Me posting a frustrating amount of meta into the Izzy Hands tag is actually a good thing, much like it's a good thing that people post their "I had a grilled cheese sandwich today and all I could think was how much Roach would love grilled cheese omg" into the OFMD or Roach OFMD tags and that people post their fanart and fanfictions and all the rest of it. Just because one person doesn't like that brand of fan content because it's 'half-baked bullshit' in their eyes doesn't make it less valid or more important. If we all stopped posting, fandom would die. Simple as that.

Also LMAO the sexytimes with wangxian ordeal. Oh yes, I was there for that. Worse still, I was actively in the CQL fandom for that!

Related to that: the CQL fandom had trolls similar to the ones that go around hating on Izzy. If anyone mentioned the ship Xiyao even in passing in their fic, the Xiyao troll would appear from nowhere to shit all over them. It was quite a time.

(proven when I blocked that one who sent you the rude comments - the comments just disappeared <3)

Anyway, thank you for the kind message. I really appreciate it. I don't think I'll ever understand people who decide their contribution to fandom should be toxicity.

(Speaking of anxiety; I have a couple of other messages in my box I still have to reply to, I just haven't found a moment to do it yet and now I have spicy anxiety simmering away under my skin for a while, I'm not ignoring anyone.)

[khaleesiofalicante]

OH MY GOD! ITS HAPPENING! Its only the summary and I’m emo 😂 I should be studying for my exams, but I have tomorrow for that ;)

Ok, lets do this:

UDHWIJSHW THEY ARE SO CUTE FOR EACH OTHER I CANT-

"He preferred to hide his heart away. But he couldn’t hide David. He didn’t want to. David deserved to be seen." Like father like son. Both speeking poetry about their love ones. (and no, Idk which father I'm talking about 😂)

“I don’t think they are fake dating,” David hummed from the other end. “You don’t talk for hours every night if you are just fake dating.” (THANK YOU DAVID! SOMEONE THAT ITS NOT BLIND)

"They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”“So, by not helping them, we are technically helping them?” Bapa had asked and Max had nodded with a grin. “Shadowhunters are weird.” “True dat,” Max had laughed. They were all weirdos. But Max loved them anyway. He loved his weird shadowhunters. (The domesticity lf this is killing me in a good way🥺)

“Will you on a date with me? Tomorrow?” Max asked then – because why the hell not. (Hell yeah Max. Go big or go home babe😎)

“This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.” In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that. (I'm already feeling his chaotic ass will do something like Magnus did, but lets keep hope)

"Maybe Lexi and Liv would probably enjoy a date – a fake date - in the arcade." Could I be more in love with both of them?? Is that physically possible?? 💙

Elyaas giving Max dating advice!! Lmaooo 😂😂

"His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice. But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages."  YOU LIL SHIT. YOU ARE NOT WRONG THO...

FUCK. An attack??

You lil shit Max.

Yep, Rafael has to deal with it everyday 😂

OOMG YESS. THE ALIANCE RUNE!!

"So, when he got tired, he would simply fix the problem by eating. It was a win-win to be honest." I feel like I should say something, but tbh it makes sense

Ok, this fight is intense

Wait. Anjali is there???  What?

Oh ok, it wasn’t

“Say the thing!”Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.” I'm dead 😂

THAT SCENE WAS EVERYTHING. LOVE THOSE TWO

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out. “Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.” “Asshole,” Max laughed and punched his brother.

“Text dad we are okay,” Rafael said, slowly recovering. “They will worry.”Max nodded and did that. (This just summ up sibling relationships so well *chef kiss*)

“It can be hard, Max. Bapak and dad…Sometimes I look at them and feel like I will never have what they have.” YUP. THEY HAVE SIBLINGS DYNAMIC. ALSO RAFAEL IS JUST 🥺🥺🥺

David got wounded???

Oh ok. False alarm.

Rafael sat down next to him and put Bapak’s head on his lap, gently massaging it.

“Are you okay?” dad knelt down next to his husband. “Just a little tired,” Bapak replied.A little tired. Max knew Bapak was fucking exhausted."  "Bapak never showed it. He never complained. Max wondered what else he hid away from everyone else." “Okay,” dad whispered and kissed his husband on the head. “Get some rest, my love.” Bapak nodded and closed his eyes as Rafael hummed something softly. (Well, now I'm crying 😭😭)

" His niece found an herbal medication that helps with the pain.” ANJALI!! I LOVE HER💙💙

"Dad finally smiled and went out to the balcony, phone in hand. He seemed to hang out in the balcony a lot lately" No no no. I dont like this. Babe find a better copying mechanism!!

"Bapak smiled then. A brilliant grin. The one dad probably fell in love with." jsyeihdiej I cant🥺💙

"Bapak sniffed when dad sat down next to him and gave him an odd look. But he didn’t say anything." Magnus tell him something. I dont like where this is going😭

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked. “Do not drag me into this!” Bapak protested and dad laughed at that" Ahh yess. Typical family discussions 😂

"David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!” (😂😂 I HONESTLY LAUGHED WAY TO HARD!!)

“Well, no! I don’t want drama. But I want you to be dramatic so I can tell you not to be dramatic!” I would like to say WHAT? but I honestly get it 😂

“Also, we all know you had an embarrassing crush on Uncle Jace growing up,” Rafael snickered. “And you definitely still have a crush on Uncle Jem.” Oh god 😂😂 but I mean... Who doesn't have a crush on Jem?

“Oh yeah?” Max demanded. “Well then let me explain your type. You are probably going to fall for someone who is like a combination of Aunt Izzy and Aunt Lily! Some femme fatale type who is a heartbreaker and looks like a supermodel and-” Boy got it right huh? 😂

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?” “There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!” lmaooo 😂😂

"And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life." I. I have no words

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.” “Not happening,” dad said into his coffee, and Max groaned before walking back into his room. (THAT FAMILY 😂😂)

" I tried to hurt your father once.” OH no, the angst is coming

" He didn’t know about this. He knew about their story. Everyone did. The accords hall kiss. The fight in Edom. The changing of the law. Their love was legendary. Not this!" THIS IS BRINGING BACK SO MANY FLASHBACKS

“All I know is that I was terrified. I love your father. I love Magnus more than anything in the world. And I didn’t want to lose him. And I didn’t know what to do.” 😭😭 NOT AGAIN!!

"When you love someone so much, sometimes you do crazy things.” THIS

" Love had made a fool out of them. Love had made them blind." Yup. tsc: a summary

"When you love someone, you have to be honest with them" And THAT is character development!!

"They called it The Jem effect." I'm using this from now on 😂💙💙

"Uncle Jem was wearing a tank top and and ripped jeans." So its time for SIMP over Jem Carstairs? Okey then.

"In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual." Same here 😂

“MINA! I SWEAR TO LILITH I AM GOING TO GET YOU BACK FOR THIS!” OH MY GOD I LOVE MINA!!

“In my defense, I was busy!!” “Oooo, someone has been getting busy!” Mina WINKED. (You lil shit! I love her 💙)

He didn’t know he could blush!!!

" They had gone to hell and back for Roman. It wouldn’t have been possible if not for Catarina. She was, and always has been, a miracle worker." Again, I love my queen💙💙

“I believe in Mavid supremacy.” ME TOO

"There is something so queer about Ferris wheels!" Someone needed to say this

"They had their own space in the spiral fucking labyrinth. These fucking legends." I BELIEVE IN WARLOCK TEAM SUPREMACY

"But Ragnor had always had a soft spot for Rafael." 🥺🥺

I love my warlock squad so much I cant-

Ragnor is so done😂

“I don’t want to lose him,” Max said it out loud for the first time. “But you will, Max,” Catarina said gently. “Everyone loses people they love. Every day. It’s how life works.” (its to early to be crying)

“Yes, we do,” Ragnor replied. “But it also means we fall in love over and over. Century after century. It’s our blessing.” (these warlocks are just to perfect)

“And that love is going to last for a lifetime,” Tessa said softly. “Can you imagine that? Someone loving you for centuries. Someone remembering you for eternity. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” 🥺🥺

David deserved to be loved like that – endlessly and impossibly. (OK BUT THE PARALLEL)

Tessa should definetly write a guidebook

“Je t’aime à la folie,” Max said.David’s eyes widened. “Vraiment?“ "Je t’aime. Je t’aime de toute mon âme. Je t’aime pour toujours.” ( I literally screamed and woke up my sister, I just love them so much!!!)

"David smiled. The smile Max fell in love with" 🥺🥺

“I know I am not your forever and I am okay with that.” Max bit his lip. “Okay.” “But you are mine,” David said. “You know that, right?” (ksidjdldk its just all this was beautiful!)

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do." (Me as I should be studying 😂)

" And you were just scared. You were just a kid." “I just…I just realized you might not have had that when you were growing up – that there might not have been people you could talk to about these things.” THAT!! LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

"Max pulled him closer and kissed him again. Every kiss a promise. A promise to love. A promise to fight. A promise to survive" I would die for this two

OMG he took him to the Celestial Palace!! Thats so perfect and 🥺🥺

“Oh mon dieu! Ceci est incroyable! Il y a tellement de livres! Oh mon dieu! Je l'aime tellement!”💙💙 Idk how you manage to make me love David even more

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.” David blinked. “You’re joking, right?” “Of course,” Max grinned. His father had actually said that but there was no need to scary poor David any further. (😂😂 Imagine having the Consul as father-in-law, poor David)

“Yeah, not good with words my ass,” Exactly!! They say they are not good with words and procede to recite poetry of their love one??!!

Ughh I love this chapter so much and I loved how they deal with the inmortality thing! I just love when people comunicate and talk to each other! THATS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! And how they didn't repeat Alec and Magnus mistake. I just love it! *chef kiss*

Anyway, this was really long and it took to open notes to fullfill, so i'll just leave💙💙

Bro I just felt like I read the whole chapter again and I am feels. I AM FEELS SEND HELP. Not me catching feels over my own shit lmaooooo.

Thank you so much. I have some work to do and I was like meh and now I have some energy to do it lol. I hope you spend tomorrow studying! You better!! Good luck!

ps - I love you notice the parallels and references. It makes me lil heart go boop!

also why do I feel like y'all are eternally doing exams????

[buttercupsfrocks]

As a young'un I once owned a badge proclaiming "Back By Popular Demand". Sadly I chucked out my vintage badge collection when I moved to my current flat but I'm wearing it in spirit for the benefit of any readers I still have left. Yes, I'm back again. Hopefully for the duration - as long as we don't get plunged into full-on zombie apocalypse mode again. Never mind anything else, shielding for an eternity leaves one with very little to talk about.

At least with a war everybody knows when it's over, but the conquering of this bastard, ever-mutating virus still seems a long way off. But, hey, I'm fully vaxed up, have started meeting friends for tea and cake periodically, (even took the mater out for lunch with my unofficially adopted stepsister and her youngest last weekend), am in virtual therapy thanks to a local mental health charity, and seem to have rediscovered my interest in clothes beyond schlumpwear. Mind you it's a case of having to. Like everybody else over lockdown I've put on some extra chub and some of my wardrobe no longer fits, or if it does it's doing me no favours. Plus it's summer, (allegedly), when one can't exactly wear the same thing for five days straight without niffing a bit. And while I hate sweating I really like wearing summer clothes.

Most of my shopping has been done online but I managed a quick whizz round Monki in Carnaby Street enroute to a desperately overdue visit to my optician. As you can see I've added another capacious, loudly printed shirt dress to my burgeoning collection. And it wasn't all I scored. Thanks in part to the sale being on I procured two more frocks and a top in the same fabric as one of said frocks, which along with this one cost me a grand total of seventy five squid. Damned changing room was closed because of course it was, and inwardly rolling my eyes at the suggestion of a jaded shop assistant's to "maybe come back another time", (On the tube? With large numbers of people? Half of whom aren't wearing masks and/or think Bill Gates is injecting us with miniscule surveillance devices? I should cocoa), I proceeded to try most of it on over my clothes in the middle of the shop. Shame I wasn't wearing my How About No tee shirt really.

If this print isn't his natural habitat I'd like to know what is. I think the only accessory you mightn't have seen before are these Big Metal earrings, (a brand we used to stock in the erstwhile World's Loveliest Gift Shop®, and one that doesn't irritate my ears).

Pardon my bathroom phone-selfie but one of the most annoying things about my living room is that, while it's the best location to take outfit pics, my hair is often shrouded in mystery, especially on an overcast day. And I wanted you to see my new colour. I'm not sure if I'll stay red or if I'll go blackcurrant again come winter. Just felt like a bit of a change.

There's been a few new additions to the ceramics collection since I've been out and about once again. These were both from chazzas. Meanwhile Karen included some finds of her own for my birthday. This cute little wall pocket looks very at home in my bedroom...

And I can always shoehorn a bit more Carltonware into the living room cabinet...

But the thing that's given me the most happiness during lockdown and beyond has been watching Ubi grow up. At a strapping nine-and-a-half pounds, not that you'd know it from looking at him, lanky creature that he is, I can't believe he's a year old already. And a more hilarious and affectionate furkid I couldn't wish for.

I didn't discover that his dad is half Bengal for several months but it explained everything. His extra-long back legs and ability to jump from the sofa to the top of the china cabinet at 10 weeks old. His intelligence and copious amounts of energy, his chattiness, his periodic death metal roar. The state of my hall wallpaper. (Freddy Krueger, eat your heart out). I learned from a breeder that it's such a persistent gene that he might as well be a full Bengal. A breed I always swore I wouldn't have if you paid me.

Izzy hates him. And me.

He's totally the best cat ever.

Toodles!

[morgemuffel]

MALEC. ➰ PROS & CONS TO MARRY YOU. (STAY WITH ME)

This story takes place between episode 3Bx16 & 3B17. Why does Alec suddenly thinks about getting married?

-> Alec creates a pro and contra list about whether he should propose to magnus or if it is too early etc. He confronts himself with his thoughts and fears, which had never been expressed loudly before. *(Part 3 of my series: our heart beats like one)

My vision is blurred and everything around me happens like in slow motion. I'm standing there like a fool and don't have the strength to move. My heart contracts as if it were crushed in someone's fist. The air is thin and Izzy had called Catarina Loss to help, when she heard my cries for help. I'm so mad at myself. "Magnus, Magnus, can you here me?" is the only thing I can say. Why didn't I see it coming? I'm still standing there as if rooted to the ground, too shocked to do anything meaningful. "Please, I'm right here" I continue talking, in the hope that he at least hears my voice. I had given Magnus a heart rhythm massage until Cat finally arrived after a felt eternity. Cat now kneels next to Magnus on the floor and holds her hands over his right clavicle and left chest muscle. Stand back" she commands. A blue cloud flows out of her palms, enveloping his lifeless body, and once again an electric shock of several thousand volts shot through his chest area to reactivate his heartbeat. "Come on, Magnus. Hang in there" Catarina screamed in panic as still nothing happened. "Catarina is he going to be all right?" I ask anxiously. Another electric shock. But Magnus, whose body had just shrugged like wild before, lay there now only calm and motionless. "I...I...Alec he's gone..." Cat sobs and looks at me in disbelief. I see the tears rolling over her blue face. I know that she has done everything in her power, because she doesn't even have the strength to maintain her glamour. I feel pure fear crawling up inside of me. No. No he can't be dead, he simply just can't be dead! I don't know how, but somehow my body starts moving again and I stumble uncoordinated and fall on the floor next to Magnus. Stay with me is the only thought that constantly wanders through my head and throbs like my own heartbeat in my head. I form my right hand into a ball and place the left hand over it to start another heart rhythm massage. I feel Cat's pitiful look on me, but she says nothing. I won't give up on him. Press twice per second, I know how it works, every shadowhunter knows the required frequency, but the longer I press the more the fear is taking over me and the more irregular my rhythm becomes. I repeat: "stay with me Magnus" to the beat of my pressure movement. I can't lose you, I just can't. "Stay with me Magnus" I taste something salty wet in my mouth and realize that it is my tears that flow over my face and is taking my sight. But I can't wipe them away. I don't have time to release my hands from Magnus. "Stay with me Magnus! I don't have to see anything to know that I can't stop, that I won't stop. "Stay with me Magnus!" I drift off and my body... Oh God as if I were in free fall... No. No. No. The darkness surrounds me and I am lost in nothing. My thoughts echo through the dark void. Our hearts beat like one and if his stop beating, mine dies with him. Magnus is dead.

Alec opens his eyes disorientated, he is bathed in sweat and his heart races as fast as it threatens to jump out of his chest. He looks around in fear and searched for Magnus. He is alive, it was all just a nightmare! At least the part about his death. Alec's subconscious had probably played a trick on him with his greatest fear. The fear of losing Magnus. How could this happen? Why had he not noticed the signs? Or had he noticed them and simply ignored them...? Alec is sitting on a very uncomfortable plastic chair, in the New York Institute in the Medic department, watching Magnus. His chest lifts and lowers gently to the beeping sound of the ECG device. His breathing is flat and slow but he is breathing. It is so unusual to see him uncombed and without make-up. In the blue coat he seemed almost inconspicuous and very vulnerable. Alec has been sitting on this chair for hours, he must have fallen asleep, he thinks, rubbing the palms of his hands against his face. He closes his eyes and the pictures reappear before his inner eye. With a shake of his head he tries to shake the pictures away. Yes, it was close but they had made it and Cat had set up everything right here to watch Magnus non-stop. A cold shiver ran down Alec's back as he tried to interpret his dream, it had felt so real. And he believed he knew what the message was behind it. He had to apologize to Magnus. Alec had a guilty conscience because he should have known how tortured his boyfriend really was. 

Alec interlaced his fingers and began to speak slowly: "Magnus, I... I don't know if you can here me. But this is my fault. I was selfish. When you first lost your powers and you said you were okay with it, I...I didn't think twice. I guess I was just so happy that maybe we could... grow old together." He took a break to breathe deeply. It was the first time he said it out loud. He was ashamed of that thought. He had asked himself several times whether he was a bad boyfriend because of that. He had talked to Underhill about this topic. But to say it out loud, to hear his voice, brought him the knowledge and thus the answer to his question. It had hurt him when Magnus had accepted Lorenzo's magic without talking to him about it. But Magnus magic was a part of him and he didn't have the right to begrudge him that. And he knew one thing for sure. To see Magnus happy was the only thing that really mattered. Alec's heart got heavier at this thought and he started rubbing his thumb over his ankles nervously. He tended to exert so much pressure on that movement that it almost hurt. But the pain there eased the pain in his heart. He sniffed before continuing: "I guess I just didn't realize, how deep down, how much you were suffering. Magnus, I love you. He reached for Magnus' hand, near the tears and his voice was now full of despair: "More than anyone in the world and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He heard the sliding door open and quickly wiped away the one tear that had made it over his cheeks. "May I come in" Cat asked gently. "Yeah" Alec replied and stood up with a deep sigh to talk to Cat about Magnus' condition. "Did you manage to make contact with the people at the Spiral Labyrinth" he asked full of hope. She nodded, "yes, I shared the test results, an he agreed. Magnus' body is rejecting Lorenzo's magic. "Rejecting? What do you mean?" Alec asked and folded his arms in front of his chest. "Think of it like a failing organ transplant. Each time Magnus performs a spell it puts a tremendous strain on his body. He got lucky this time. He will regain consciousness . But if he uses magic again, even for something small, he might not survive," she explained to Alec in a haunting tone. "Why can't you just fix him? Why can't you just take Lorenzo's magic out?" Alec asks in surprise. "I wish I could. The only one who can reverse the transfer is the person who gave it to him" she explains. "Lorenzo did this on purpose," Alec hummed furiously. "Alec, there's no way he could have planned it. With magic transfusions, there's always this possibility." Cat tried to protect Lorenzo. But Alec disagreed. "No he knew how desperate Magnus was. He took advantage of him. I'm not gonna let this son of a bitch get away with it." he hissed upset and tried to squeeze past Cat. But Catarina grabbed him by the arm and held him tight when she said: "You need to settle down. What's the shadowhunter saying? - Emotions cloud judgment? - You loose your temper with Lorenzo, he'll have less incentive to help. Like it or not, Lorenzo Rey is Magnus only hope" she made clear to him.

On his way to Lorenzo's loft, Alec shook his head in disbelief. Had he really just thought that? He corrected the sentence in his mind. Magnus' Loft. He was on his way to Magnus' loft in Brooklyn that was stolen by this mucous guy Lorenzo Rey. Magnus hasn't woken up yet, so Alec had decided to ask Lorenzo to take back the magic he had given him. He was almost certain that this would also be Magnus' wish. Magnus' near death had shown Alec how precious time is. And he knew that he wanted to spend all his time also if only 10 years or even 60 years,  with Magnus at his side. Nothing was more precious than the time with him. When Magnus agreed to his suggestion to move in together, Alec was the happiest person ever. There was only something that could make him happier. To make Magnus his forever. Put a ring on his finger and call him his husband. There were many reasons for this, but he also knew that there were some contras. He started to write a pro and contra list in his head:

   PRO:  

- It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever

   CONS:  

- Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him

I remember what it was like before Magnus. The time of uncertainty, fear and my own identity crisis. It was like my whole life was a lie, I was living a lie. It was before Jace, I had always known it. I'm not saying that I am different but in the eyes of others I am. All of us who don't fit into the over century formed norm are considered different. Growing up in a society that fears everything and everyone just because they don't understand it or know it differently and respond with hate is sad. The hate and fear that was directed against other races or against the preference of sexuality frightened me. I was afraid of this hate and took the safe side. The don't ask don't tell side of the shadowhunter culture. I preferred to be angry and unhappy than to deal with these feelings. On some days I feel ashamed not to have been brave enough before Magnus came into my life. To simply ignore the prejudices and discriminations and to stand by myself. But for shadowhunter - family, honour and tradition are written in capital letters. At least that's what they believe. And I certainly didn't want to be the first Shadowhunter in my family to destroy this supposed honor. Family is everything to me. Grown up in the institute under the enormous pressure of the council and my parents. I always did everything for my parents and for the council. My fater drilled in to me that I was never good enough. I always thought it was me, because they felt who I really was and wanted to suppress it. So I did the same and ignored my feelings. I was impure with myself and carried this anger inside me for years. I couldn't define exactly where it came from but I was always angry at everything and everyone. Not knowing who you are and not knowing where you belong is terrible. By the angel I'm so happy that I met Magnus.

"Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what's in your heart" he had told me back then. I thought I would never be allwed, or to even find somoen to marry out of love and the only thing I could hope for would be a solid partnership with a woman. But here I am, in a happy relationship with the man I love above everything else. I will do everything in my power to lead him back to his identity as he helped me. So pack up your hatred and discrimination. I alone decide how my life goes on.

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, not that I would know." I hear Magnus' voice in my head.. We'll find out, my darling, we'll find out.

Alec circled the two reasons and tried to look at them from every angle. He was a man of tradition and honour and he always knew he wanted to get married one day. He just never would have thought that this wish could actually become reality with someone he loved with all his heart. But here he was and his boyfriend was Magnus Bane. He knew he would never love anyone as much as he loved Magnus. He also knew that a marriage is about being together for the rest of your life and that this same - a life long - was a different view for Magnus before. Magnus was no longer immortal and to ask for his hand now would painfully remind him of this loss. Alec wondered if it wouldn't be possible to ask Asmodeus to give Magnus back his real magic and thus his birthright, his immortality. What would be the price? For sure one that Alec can't pay at all. He sighed and began to walk faster. There was also the housing situation, he was at least able to fix. Cat had told him that Magnus had asked her for a real estate agent. But Magnus was in the infirmary and couldn't make it to that appointment today and Alec wouldn't leave his side for a house visit. The apartment could wait, but he was looking forward to starting this new phase of his life with Magnus. So it was 1 to 1 when he stood in front of the door of the loft and was about to knock, when it swung open and Mozart's symphony came towards him.

Lorenzo had already expected him, charming isn't? It's one of Mozart's lesser-known works, but certainly one of my favorites. You should have seen the look on Wolfgang's face when I told him what I really thought about his Mass in C minor," he bluffed to Alec. But Alec didn't have time for this small talk, they both knew that they would never be friends in this and possibly in any other life. "We need to talk" Alec said and tried to make his voice sound as calm and controlled as possible. "Hang on. This is the best part." He just wanted to provoke Alec, no they wouldn't even be friends in another dimension. Alec switched off the music to show him the urgency of his visit. "What can I do for you, Mr. Lightwood? he asks and takes a sip from his martini. "Magnus has fallen ill as a result of the magic you gave him" Alec told him. "I did warn your boyfriend of the risks involved. He assured me he could handle it" Lorenzo replied visibly unmoved. When he poured himself a second drink. "Well he can't. And I would appreciate if you would take the magic back." Alec said in a thoughtful tone. "Yes, I'm sure you would appreciate that. But he brought this upon himself. Not my fault the pompous old warlock falls by his own hubris." Lorenzo was amused by Magnus' pain and Alec knew that he had no intention of helping them. But why? "Why? Why do you hate him so much? he asked without understanding. "It's simple. All my life, I've had to sit by and watch while the world lavished praise on Magnus Bane. The prodigy. The High Warlock who could do no wrong." Lorenzo said bitterly. So that's it Alec thought, he was insecure and jealous. "Green isn't becoming on you, Lorenzo," he simply stated. "You have no idea how hard I've had to work for everything that I have" he hissed and put his glass down. Before he continued. "That man was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His celebrity is not based on talent. It's nepotism. Alec felt the rage crawling up in him and with each of Lorenzo's words it was harder to suppress them. "Lorenzo, you're right about one thing. Magnus is beloved. And when word gets out that you wouldn't help him, purely out of jealousy, how would you think the other warlocks are gonna feel?" Alec said as he walked up to Lorenzo to underline the threat in his voice. But Lorenzo remained unimpressed and said: "I guess we'll find out, won't we?" The fuse in Alec's head blew, how could this cockroach even dare. He would have loved to go for Lorenzo. "You bastard. I swear, I will..." But Lorenzo interrupted him annoyed. "You'll what? he asked unimpressed and shot Alec with a clenched load of his magic towards the exit. "I believe we're done here. You can show yourself out." Alec knew that his last visit by Lorenzo was also part of Lorenzo's rage against Magnus. Anger, anger didn't get him any further, he had to convince Lorenzo at all costs. Magnus' life was at stake and he would beg on his knees if he had to.

"You've never been in love, have you?" Alec asked desperately. Lorenzo must have loved someone at least once in all those years. Alec had to remind him. "I'm over 300 years old. Of course I have. More times than I care to admit" Lorenzo said cool. Alec saw his chance and slowly walked towards Lorenzo again. "Well, for me, it's only one. Magnus," he said and looked at Lorenzo as he went on. "He is my world. And if he dies..." Alec sobbed, who now found it hard to keep his feelings under control. He didn't care if Lorenzo saw him that way, saw him the Head of the New York Institute so vulnerable. He didn't care if he ridiculed himself and he didn't care that he just revealed his greatest weakness. Alec raised his hand to a defensive position when he said, "Look, Lorenzo, he's no threat to you. Okay? He doesn't have his powers." His eyes filled with water and a tear ran down his face as he begged Lorenzo. "Just please... Please help him"

Alec left the loft with Lorenzo's word to help Magnus. A cool breeze blew in his face and dried his last tears. The heated conversation had given him two more points on his imaginary list. To show oneself so vulnerable to someone and to reveal oneself. Showing oneself as one in front of two different worlds, a unity that nothing and nobody could destroy.

   PRO:  

- Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days

   CONS:  

- The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children.

Even though deep inside I always knew that I was gay, I had always imagined a family with children. I could have imagined them with Lydia too, even though the thought of having sex with her made me freak out a little. Lydia is great but still a woman. Maybe the Clave would agree to an adoption for a Shadowhunter or a Downworlder baby? The Mundane couples have to be married as far as I know if they want to adopt... Would an adopted child even like me? With Madzie it's always wonderful and children love Magnus anyway. But maybe Madzie was a exception. Well they'll like at least one of us. So the biggest problem would be the Clave. For whom I'm already a thorn in their eyes, the gay head of the New York Institute, who is in a relationship with a Downworlder. So what, fuck that point. I really hope that Magnus also wants children. I think he's born to be a dad. He has so much patience and love to give. He has travelled so many countries and lived through so many decades, he would certainly have great good night stories. Him and I as parents, who could teach our children love and tolerance. To pass on our views and values and to show the world that there is another way. That diffrent doesn't mean weird or wrong, but that the world view is outdated and wrong. And it's on us to start change that.

The Clave always had such weird rules. In the past, Alec wouldn't have noticed the inconsistencies. He obeyed orders blindly without questioning them. But now, why did they make rules they disapproved anyway? And have they ever thought that two same-sex shadowhunters and downworlder would want to get married? Because Alec didn't know if that was possible at all. But he knew something else, no matter how, he and Magnus would one day start a family together. Alec had never asked Magnus if he wanted to have children, but somehow it was a logical step, wasn't it? Or was Alec once again too far with his thoughts and wishes? He was walking past a playground and saw all the Mundane mothers playing with their toddlers. A dream he had dreamed so many times, before meeting Magnus. Changing his children's nappies, teaching them to walk and fight and attending their first shadowhunter rune ceremony. All those things, those kitschy things he had wished for were not graspable before Magnus, but now. Now he suddenly had the chance to make all his dreams become real, with the man of his dreams. And before any of this could come true, Magnus had to wake up. He increased his pace again because he wanted to be the first thing for Magnus to see when he opened his eyes.

Alec was sitting on the uncomfortable chair in the institute again, his butt was slowly strating to hurt but he didn't care. He saw Magnus' eyelashes start to twitch. "Magnus, can you hear me" Alec asks. Magnus blinks and slowly opens his eyes. "There you are. Hey," Alec said pleased. Magnus is still a little confused and Alec gently turns his head with his two fingers in his direction. Magnus chuckles when he sees Alec. "There you are" Magnus repeats and pats gently and awkwardly Alec's cheeks. "Yeah" Alec replies smiling. "What happened?" Magnus asked, still slightly dazed. Alec tried to explain it to him as simple and gently as possible. "Oh, well you got very sick. But everything's gonna be okay." Magnus tried to sit up and Alec got up quickly to help him. Just hold on. Here, let me get that for you." Alec said lovingly. Magnus tried to play the whole situation down again when he joked: "Oh I could get used to this type of treatment. Oh but definitely not to this wardrobe." Alec realized that Magnus wasn't aware of how serious the whole thing was. "Right. Let me get you a change of clothes" he said and wanted to get going. "No, no need" Magnus said and raised his hand to use his magic. "No!" Alec screamed full of panic and healed Magnus' hand so that he couldn't use his magic. "Alexander, what..." Magnus began irritated as his gaze wandered to the door and he noticed Lorenzo. "What's he doing here?" he asked even more astonished. Alec took a deep breath to explain everything to Magnus: "Using Lorenzo's magic is what got you sick. Catarina says that if you use the magic again, even a little bit, it could go horribly wrong. The only way for you to get better is for Lorenzo to take the magic away." He looked away at Magnus and hoped to see an understanding for all this in his eyes but Magnus only replied: "Oh. No, Caterina's just being overly cautious. Trust me, I feel fine." Alec should have known it. Of course, Magnus wasn't aware of how narrowly he escaped death. He had to tell him everything. "No. can we just get a minute, please?" he said and looked at Lorenzo, who had only observed the whole situation pitifully. "No! I'm not getting rid of my magic. Magnus screamed angrily. Why was he so stubborn? Alec had to make him understand how dangerous it was to leave the magic in his body. He didn't want his nightmare to suddenly become reality.

Magnus got up angrily and went for his clothes himself, he stood demonstratively with his back to Alec. But Alec just stood quietly next to him and waited until he had dressed before telling him exactly what had happened. He wasn't sure if Magnus was just pretending he didn't realize how dangerous this magic was for him. "Magnus, you stopped breathing." Alec began. "Your heart stopped. I thought you were gone." Magnus's anger vanished slowly. He hadn't know it had been so bad. "I'm so sorry for scaring you. I was clearly adjusting to Lorenzo's magic and I must have overextended myself." He turned to Alec with a smile to show him he was serious: "I promise, I'll be more careful from now on," he said before returning his attention to his shirt. "It doesn't matter how careful you are. As long as you have Lorenzo's magic, you'll be living with an axe over your head" Alec contradicted. What was wrong with Magnus? "Oh, could you stop being so morbid?" Magnus said when he turned back to Alec. The two men clearly talked past each other. "Look, I know how important magic is to you, but is it really worth dying for it?" Alec tried again. But Magnus didn't answer. "Magnus, answer me." Alec asked again with insistence and full of fear of the answer. Magnus said "Maybe" without turning around and Alec was stunned. "How can you even say that? Alec asked. Magnus now looked at him again and Alec saw the anger, the self-hatred and the fear in his eyes when he said: "I'm nothing without my magic. "You fell in love with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Can you honestly say you don't feel differently about me?

Look at me! Can you honestly say you like this?" he asked in disbelief and disgust as he pointed to his body. Alec was slowly getting desperate, he had to convince Magnus that he loved him even without his magic. "Yes. Your powers were incredible, but that's not why I felt in love with you. I..I..fell in love with you because you're wise a..and you're generous and you're brave and you're incredible" Alec stammered. The feelings overcame him, why couldn't Magnus see it? Why didn't he see how unbelievable he was? Alec continued: "I just... When you walk into a room, there's a spark in you, magic or not, th..tha..that lights up everything and everyone around you. "A..aaa..and... Hey!" he grabbed Magnus by the arm who was about to turn away. Alec didn't know what to say anymore. He only knew one thing he couldn't live without Magnus! When Magnus looked at him again Alec said desperately the last thing he still knew: "I won't lose you. I can't." The room was tense and they just looked at each other. And finally Alec saw it in Magnus' eyes. He got through to Magnus.

When Lorenzo left the room after the withdrawal of the magic, of course not without clarifying that he would keep the loft. Alec noted down his last two pros and cons.

   PRO:  

- I love him

   CONS:  

- Magnus would rather die than live without his magic

The last two reasons he noted down were the ones that weighed most heavily on him. So he sorted the list in his head again and prioritized these last two reasons. He loved Magnus more than anything else there was no doubt. But Magnus wasn't sure if he could live on without his magic or if he wanted to. Alec hears the echo of his words in his head, again and again: "I am nothing without my magic."

Yet I don't understand it. I thought I understood it, how dependent Magnus is on his magic. That I understand his pain. But I'm not a warlock and no matter how hard I try I will never fully understand what Magnus is going through. I keep trying to compare it with the Parabatai bond of me and Jace. If Jace died in a fight, I would feel incomplete and like a stanger a nobody without this bond. A part of me would die and be lost forever. And yet I would never prefer my own death than a life with Magnus. At least I hoped that this thought was true.

This thought ignited the little hope he needed. The hope that Magnus didn't mean it as seriously as he had said it before. That deep down inside his love for Alec was stronger. So it was 3 to 3, equal. No matter how often he went through the list he came to a single decision.

   PRO:  

   - I love him  

   - It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever  

   Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days  

   CONS:  

   - Magnus would rather die than live without his magic  

   - Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him  

   - The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children 

It didn't matter what was on the contra side of his list, as long as his love for Magnus was at the top of the pro side. He loved Magnus and that outdid all other reasons."I have everything I need, right here." Magnus had said it aptly. And this one reason was the most important one. And therefore he, Alexander Gideon Lightwood would ask Magnus Bane to marry him.

Alec looked through the window of the small library his mother had bought and took a deep breath. On the way there two pros and contras came to his mind. He didn't put them on the list because his decision had already been made but they were still haunting around in his head.

    PRO:  

- He'd have my last name, Magnus Lightwood-Bane

   CONS:  

- He could say no, and I would completely embarrass myself

I think everyone is a bit afraid of this scenario when planning a proposal. Even though I know that Magnus loves me, there is a risk that he will reject my proposal. It could be one of my reasons on the contra column or a completely different one and I think I wouldn't only be sad but it would also be really embarrassing for me. Embarrassing because I'm so impatient, but who doesn't dare doesn't win. And therefore I won't initiate everybody in what I intend to do and try to plan the whole thing in a small scale if not even alone. Hiding it from Jace will probably be the hardest, as he will feel my nervousness for sure, so if he asks me I'll just tell him. Maybe for once he even has a good tip for me. Or could tell me if Alec Bane sounds silly?

Alec opens the door and enters the book store. "Hi" he said and walks to greet his mother. Maryse turns to him and smiles as she greets him: "Alec. What a nice surprise! The two embrace and Alec looks around as he says, "I thought I'd actually stop by and see the place." "Im proud of you." Most of the shelves were already dusty and the books had been rearranged. "Thanks. It's really coming together, isn't it? Maryse said radiantly. Alec was a bit nervous and answered with a question. "There's actually something I wanted to talk to you about." he burst out. Maryse looked at him uncertainly and tried to interpret his face. "What is it?" she asked, worried. The two sat down when Alec began to tell her: "Uhm..Magnus had a little health scare." Maryse was shocked but Alec spoke quickly. "He's okay, everything's fine, but when it happened, it made me realize how much he means to me, and I.. I.. can't live without him." This sentence made his mother overjoyed. She was so happy that her son found someone who loved him heart and soul just as much as he loved him. What could make a mother happier? "That's what love is" she said with a smile. Alec chuckles. "I'm so happy you two found each other." she said. "Me too." Alec said sheepishly. The question burned on his tongue as he slowly began.

"And I need the family ring." he said and looked at her insistently. Maryse stared back not sure if her son really intended what she was thinking he was intended to say. "I'm gonna ask Magnus to marry me." Alec said after a break and Maryse chuchles overwhelmed. Yes she had thought right. She couldn't believe it and jumped up to pull her son into an intimate embrace. Her son is actually getting married!