#yennesker

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 11

"Hey, Geralt, isn't that your f***ing bard?" Lambert asked, pointing towards the sidewalk. He and Geralt were on their way back from the hobby store, and were waiting for the light to change.

Geralt scanned the moderately crowed sidewalk. Yep, that was Jaskier! The bard was doing a little window shopping at the jewelery store.

"Yeah, that's him,"

"It's close to lunch time, let's see if he wants to get someting to eat!"

"He'll probably say no," Geralt said.

"Well, then we'll just have to pursuade him!" Lambert replied.

Geralt glanced at the red-haired Witcher.

He grinned at Geralt mischeviously.

Geralt grinned back.

Jaskier looked over the jewlery in the window. There was a really nice ring that had caught his eye, and he also spied a necklace that he knew Yennefer would like. Maybe he would stop on the way home this afternoon and get them.

Jaskier continued on his way, heading to the studio. He paused to check his phone...

The light changed, and Geralt floored it...

As bystanders watched, the rusty old van swerved to the sidewalk. The sliding door whipped open, and a large, red-haired Witcher leapt out and grabbed the poor man who had stopped to check his phone.

The poor man is screaming and flailing as the scary Witcher drags him into the van. Or tries to. The man is certainly putting up a struggle. He is proving to be a bit difficult to hold on to...

Jaskier is putting his phone back in his pocket when hands grab him and start dragging him away. "Motherf***er!" he snarls when he recognizes Lambert, "Let me go!"

"You're coming with us!"

Jaskier, either genuinely unaware of how he sounded or just out of pure pettiness, started screaming, "Nooooo!" and desperately trying to break Lambert's grip.

Lambert finds himself trying to hold on to Jaskier, who is twisting, wiggling, flopping, randomly going dead weight, and making all kinds of noises.

He finally gets an arm around Jaskier's waist and a hand over his mouth just as he starts screaming, "Help!", and half frog-marches, half drags him towards the van.

He's almost there when Jaskier goes dead weight, slips out of Lambert's grasp, and tries to run. Lambert's grabbing the back of his shirt and trying to swing him towards the open van door.

Jaskier grabs a lamp post and is screeching and cussing as Lambert pries him off and drags him backwards towards the van.

Geralt is getting nervous in the van. This is taking way to long, and people are staring, and...sh*t here come the police. F**k.

Jaskier was clinging to the door frame of the van as Lambert tried to yank him inside when the authorities arrived.

Lambert abruptly let Jaskier go to put his hands up as the police surrounded them.

Jaskier fell to the ground with a surpirsed little yelp and was 'rescued' by an officer and put safely in the back of a police cruiser.

They hadn't even given him time to explain before they rushed back to assist in apprehending his kidnappers.

Things were not looking good. He dialed Yennefer's number and then hesitated. Pushing 'call' was practically a death sentence. Yennefer was going to f***ing kill them all in front of the police. They would probably be safer in jail...

Geralt and Lambert were cuffed and laying face down on the sidewalk, frantically trying to explain. The police seemed disinclined to listen due to all the eye-witness testimony.

F**k.

Jaskier swallowed hard and hit 'call'.

"We know him! He's our friend!" Lambert was saying as Yennefer arrived via portal. She was immediately confronted, and not happy about having guns pointed at her

"Don't f***ing point that thing at me! I'll turn the lot of you into toads, the King be d*mned!"

"I'll turn him into a toad as well!"

"Why is my husband on the ground in handcuffs?"

"Of course I know him, you nimrod, I just told you he is my f***ing husband! The other guy? Never seen him before in my life."

Lambert: *gasp of offended betrayal*

Geralt: *hmmm!* (translation: Yen, stop f***ing around!)

"Fine, yes, I know him. He's my brother-in-law, and he's a bigger dumba** than my husband! Now someone with an IQ of more than two digits tell me what's going on!"

"Kidnapping!?"

Yennefer looked at Geralt, Lambert, and Jaskier in turn.

Geralt was suddenly very busy studying an incredibly interesting crack in the sidewalk.

Lambert was pressing his face into the sidewalk so there would be absolutely no chance they could make eye contact.

Jaskier was sitting in the back of the police cruiser. When Yennefer looked at him, he had the audacity or wave.

"You a**clowns! I should just let them take all your a**es to jail!"

"We were just trying to take him to lunch!" Geralt tried to explain.

"By pulling up in a pedo van and snatching him off the street? Really, Geralt?"

"We didn't think he would put up a fight!" Lambert added.

"Shut up, Lambert, the adults are talking!"

"I'm sorry, officers. This is all just a big misunderstanding. The man they were trying to 'kidnap' is my brother-!"

"I thought I was your Darling Husband!" Jaskier interjected from the backseat of the police car.

Yennefer turned and gave him A Look, and a very graphic mental image of what she was going to do to certain parts of his anatomy if he didn't immediately shut the h*ll up.

Jaskier quickly shut his mouth and the car door. For his own safety.

Geralt and Lambert were given a chance to explain themselves, identities and relationships were confirmed, and the detainees were handed over to Yennefer.

The witch glared at them and pointed mutely at the van. They scrambled for it like horror movie victims making a last ditch effort to survive.

They probably weren't going to survive for long, judging by the sounds that began emanating from the van after the witch closed the sliding door behind her.

The police prudently packed up and left.

[sarazelswift]

Let’s hide under the covers; We don’t know what’s out there

Prompt: Holding Hands

Relationship: Jaskier/Yennefer (Background Lambert/Aiden)

Rating: General Audiences

Content Warning: FLUFFY

Summary: Jaskier manages to land a date with Yennefer and proceeds to become flustered. Yennefer thinks its adorable.

Let's hide under the covers; We don't know what's out there

My second contribution, but sixth prompt with @theprincessoffrost​ for the @witcher-rarepair-summer-bingo​

[brokenmoonsongs]

Companion!Bard AU Prologue/Preview

Alright, Companion!Bard AU. Geraskier primary. Jaskier/Other Witchers secondary. Maybe Yennesker/Geraskefer? This will probably parallel most of season one, unsure yet if at all of season two (or if it may deviate pre-Mountain). No CWs for this first part as it's just setting up. ~900 words.

They say that the best way to hide anything or anyone is to hide it in plain sight. Because it would be so obvious that no one would think what or whom was there would be truly there, in the open right?

It's why Redanian's Secret Service is so obvious about their place in Oxenfurt University. Although, enough people know that it's a convenient front for their other activities. All related of course in the service of their King.

Oxenfurt University keeps another open secret to the world. There are actually eight Liberal Arts one can study and master. But the eighth is rarely taken upon, or completed. It is one of the more difficult of the set, since it does rely so much on reading people, on exposing oneself to a lot of unnecessary strain. And while being a master of this other, more secretive Art could lead someone to live the life of luxury amongst royals, a graduate is usually seen as less than from their peers, and is more likely to get hurt out in the world than the others.

Still, Jaskier, or Julian at the time, was always a godsdamn completionist. And hedonist. And some would probably say masochist. Basically all the -ists that were mostly positive. (He was still too young and naïve to learn yet that what he knew of Elves and some other non-humans were patently false and derogatory. It would still take him some years [and running into a Witcher] to unpack and unlearn all of that.)

The eighth Liberal Art he only learned about when one, he was of age to learn of it, and two, in his second to final year at Oxenfurt. The Univeristy's policy was always as such: As long as you were of the age of majority for your species/culture, and had already mastered at least one other liberal art (or in the final semester of it), then anyone was allowed to attempt mastering this final one. It was also the only path one could pursue with no fear of ending up in massive debt or other complications if one were to fail out or give up on mastering it.

The completion rate to this elusive Art was only one in six students. And majority were of the non-masculine persuasion. Julian had honestly thought it was going to be the easiest of the programs to master. He was very wrong. Oh, he had some natural affinity to it, and used the fact that he grew up very privileged and healthy and pretty to his advantage. But there were always constant lessons that youth and beauty were very temporary. It was one of the reasons why one had to have at least one other Art to fall back on.

This program was the only one that Julian slightly cheated on, desperate to not fail out. Before the final semester in this program, there was a special evaluation. Ones who were susceptible to their emotions (if it hadn't already been trained out), and couldn't separate performance from reality (which wasn't terrible at all), they couldn't become a master. They'd get another grade and still could do a few of the jobs this particular Art availed to them, but it wasn't quite the same.

Despite his ever growing hubris, Julian, only just settling on the name Jaskier, knew himself well enough. Had to, to get this far in the program. He relied on his closest friend, Essi, to help him train and steel his mind, to play the part right. She didn't quite approve of this particular persona, but she was curious to see if it would work.

It did. Jaskier passed the evaluation and in the end, mastered the elusive, secretive, eighth Liberal Art. He was officially deemed a Court Companion, automatically eligible to be any Royal's consort, if they so desired, and would get priority positions in the most elusive of pleasure and entertainment houses. All he would need to do is show off the magicked brand as proof.

Jaskier, of course, was never intending to use it beyond proving to Valdo fucking Marx that he did it, something even that cad couldn't finish. No, Jaskier was content to travel the world as a regular bard and make his mark that way.

And then he was given a summons to the "Faculty of Most Contemporary History". And there, he found himself amongst an even smaller group of esteemed graduates from the eighth Liberal Art. Sigismund Dijkstra was surprisingly a very convincing man. And conniving. Jaskier was ready to turn him down, not wanting to be beholden to anyone. He was young and had his whole life ahead of him! There was a reason he escaped Lettenhove after all.

Unfortunately, as Jaskier was leaving Sigi's office, the man gave him an offer he literally could not refuse.

He was promised that the missions would be few and far between, that it was up to him to take up any other Companion Contract if he so desired. And in exchange, Sigismund wouldn't dig into the Pankratz Family and their political affairs. Convincing, indeed. To protect his sisters, Jaskier swore himself into service.

For nearly three seasons, Jaskier's content, being a bard and mission-less, having only once needing to take a Contract. But then he finds himself in Posada, and meets a Witcher, and finds the lines between his head and his heart beginning to blur.