#yeah so now whenever i drive i genuinely CONSTANTLY feel like i’m doing SOMETHING wrong

[oncyprusshores]

Religious Trauma and the Fundamentalist Doomsday Cult

Content Warning: Pretty heavy discussion of doomsday fundamentalism and emotional abuse I’ve tried writing three different topics this morning, and none of them were working out. I wanted to touch on some aspect of Christianity that I believe is failing our generation, but my brain just couldn’t make the words. In all my drafts, though, I noticed a theme. And if I’ve been subconsciously using that theme this whole time, maybe it’s what my brain wants to write about.  There are so many reasons I believe the modern church is struggling (and rightfully so), but I suppose the biggest, most obvious, one is simply that those of us who grew up in fundamentalism have been pushed away.  I grew up in a small pentacostal church (yes, the snake handling kind). Looking at it now, it feels like a doomsday cult.  Countless sermons about the coming of Christ, media hype surrounding blood moons suggesting that the world was ending soon, watch parties for Left Behind, year-long studies of Revelations, and this one man who every single sunday was possessed by the Holy Ghost to warn us: “Be ready, be ready, be ready”. To this day, even though I don’t believe in Christianity, whenever I hear a loud sudden noise my entire body tenses in fear that it’s the trumpet of the seventh angel about to show up and prove everything I believe is wrong. Of course I don’t think that will happen. If I thought it was a genuine possibility that Jesus Christ could appear at any moment and throw my soul to hell, I probably wouldn’t have dedicated my soul to Aphrodite. But that is what effective brainwashing does. That is what true emotional abuse does, it sinks it’s claws into you so deep that your mind is changed forever from it. And, also characteristic to abuse, if I said this to any of the people responsible for it I would be gaslit.  “You’re just feeling convicted.” This is the most insidious line in Christianity. My rational brain knows, of course, that me hearing bullshit I hate and wanting to turn it off is NOT in fact my soul feeling convicted- it simply means I am hearing bullshit I hate and I’d rather not spend my time thinking about it! But in the heat of the moment, when you’re face to face with your own mother, your emotional response is immediately guilty.  I know it’s wrong, I know it’s not true, I KNOW it’s not right: But that’s abuse. It hijacks your mind, your normal through processes, and all you can feel is conditioned sympathy for the abuser.  But of course it goes deeper than that. I’m still scarred in so many other ways.  I grew up constantly being told there was no future. To this day whenever I muse about ‘oh I wonder what this place’ll look like in ten years’ around my parents I’m met  with “the world probably wont be here by next year”. Without fail. Every time. I have to actively convince them to just imagine a hypothetical scenario where the apocalypse doesn’t come tomorrow just to talk about something as mundane as “hey do you think this mall is still gonna be around?”

I thought that I would never get to discover true love, I would never get to have my first kiss, I would never be married, I would never get to be a mother, I would never even get to drive a car. Hell, I was ten years old- That mindset hit everything! I would pray to Jesus asking him to not come back until after Pokemon Black and White came out. I laid awake at night thinking, ‘oh man I’ll never get to see a Star Wars Episode 7″. I couldn’t bring myself to watch trailers for upcoming things because it’d just make me sad I probably wouldn’t get to experience them! (Now I wonder if that’s the underlying reason I don’t watch game trailers outside of E3 and actively try not to get hyped for anything).  I’ve also had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was 10. Yeah, that didn’t fucking help.  In many Christian circles, they just assume the end of all things is imminent. And when that is the most popular religion on the planet... Yeah! That’s how you get things like manmade climate change! That’s how you have those in power justify exploitation and colonization! Towards the end of my mandatory church services, the pastor could tell he was losing me. To keep my attention, he offered me a regular spot to write in the church newsletter. The very first thing I wrote was titled “DOOMSDAY”, an article wherein I simply argued, “Yes, Christ is coming. But it’s awful for our mental health and makes our life decisions shortsighted if we just assume there is no tomorrow.” Sorry, did I say that was ‘the first thing’ I wrote? That language was a bit misleading, it was also the last thing. They declined to publish it, told me to forget about the offer, and never went to me for anything ever again.  So if I wanted to profile a reason why Christianity is failing, I guess I ended up doing that. When you create an environment like that, when you operate on the basis that the world is ending next tuesday (no matter how many times tuesday comes), when you actively choose to refuse anything that even slightly challenges your world view- Yeah, that’s when your religion fails.

That’s how your weekly church article writer grows up and writes to extol the virtue of the Gods you tried to bury. 

[chemicaljacketslut]

oh wait i have to do stuff tomorrow ☹️

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating J.D.

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous and @poruchik-logy​)

(Sorry about the inactivity lately. With the holidays coming up, I’ve been a bit busy. Plus, I’ve written a post or two on my other blogs which means no post on this one. Anyways, hope you enjoy!)

- You meet J.D. when he transfers to your school. You’re in study hall when you just so happen to look up and make eye contact with the boy while glancing around the room. 

- For the rest of the period, you feel like someone's watching you, and lo and behold, every time you sneak a glance his way, his eyes are on you. He doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he was looking, he just raises an eyebrow at you when you turn and meet his gaze. 

- You spot him in the lunchroom later that day and ask your friends about him though they don’t have much information besides his name and where he moved from which they got from one of their teachers forcing him to introduce himself to the class. He was a mystery …and boy were you intrigued. 

- You have your first conversation at the local Snappy Snack Shack. You’d just popped in to grab a little junk food, only to find him stalking through the store in his black trench coat. You figured you’d dance around each other until one of you left but before you knew it, he’d sauntered up to you and interjected that you looked familiar. 

- Before you knew it, the two of you had introduced yourselves and began a sort of flirtatious conversation. He bought you a slushy and offered you a ride home on his bike which you coyly accepted after a moment of nervous hesitation. 

- It was that same night that he returned to your house, rapping at your window and damn near giving you a heart attack. Even though it was terrifying at first, it was also sort of endearing and you soon found yourself joining him outside.

- Now, It’s your choice whether or not you sleep together that night. If you do then consider yourself kissed and claimed from then on. If you don’t, he’ll continue to show up at your house or hang around you at school until he gets what he wants. You. 

- You suppose that your first date happened at the Snack Shack so from then on, the two of you were sort of seeing each other. Well, one of his favorite things to do with you is not be at home so the two of you were hanging out in an empty lot.

- The sun went down and you were sitting in the dark, the glow of the moon being the only thing lighting up your date. You were sitting down and he was lingering on his feet somewhere behind him, sorta pacing from what you could hear. 

- He knelt down beside you and you turned your head to look at him, only to immediately get pulled into a kiss that all but had you melt into the floor. It was passionate and somewhat rough, exactly what you’d expect from him. And you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

- Well, he most certainly isn’t letting you go after that. I hope you like him babe because you’re not getting rid of him anytime soon. 

- This man is fully willing to makeout with you in public. So yeah, there’s a lot of Pda.

- His hands are pretty much on you at all times.

- Pecks on the lips. He loves when you just give him a kiss for no reason at all.

- Rough, passionate kisses. He asserts his dominance by hooking his arms around you and pulling you into a searing kiss until you can’t breathe.

- He definitely calls you “woman” and a ton of other pet names ranging from cute to just plain annoying. 

- He never would have imagined a girl like you would actually put up with him for so long …but boy is he thankful you have.

- He’s a little shit and that’s just something you’ll have to live with. He’s blunt, conniving and sarcastic, but he does care about you.

- He pretends like he doesn’t give a shit a lot of the time but he does, more than he cares to admit.

- Surprisingly enough, JD actually really likes cuddling. You’ll usually lay with your legs intertwined and your head resting against his chest while he wraps his arms tight around you. 

-  Jason's father sort of ignores him, they aren’t very close and certainly not close enough to be sharing affection besides; maybe, a pat on he back or something similar. So he craves attention and affection.

- He yearns for you to touch and love him but he doesn’t know how to tell you that he wants you to suffocate him with your own body. He’ll just try to repeat whatever it is he did to make you touch him or touch you until you do something to him.

- Hugs from behind.

- Husky whispers in your ear. He does it on purpose because he knows what it does to you.

- Motorcycle rides. 

- Trying to get him to quit smoking. It never actually works but he; somewhat, tries to cut down on it for your sake. He thinks the fact that you care is sorta amusing. 

- Cutting class together.

- Going shooting with him. The beer bottles and porcelain plates kind of shooting, not the Ram and Kurt kind of shooting. 

- Dark humor. Although, sometimes you genuinely don’t know if he’s joking or not. 

- He can always seem to make you laugh, even if it makes you feel guilty to laugh at some off the stuff he says.

-  Hearing an alarming amount of gun and bomb facts. 

- Going to Snappys Snack Shack with him.

- Junk food binges.

- He’s kind of a stalker if I’m being honest. He follows you around without you knowing, finds out everything he can about you, etc. You’re sort of like an obsession of his and that can be good or bad depending on the situation and to what extent you know about his feelings. 

- He knows practically everything about you, ranging from your birthday to where you are at pretty much any given time.

- He’s not too great at all that lovey dovey shit but he tries. It might take him a little while to get the hang of it but he eventually will. 

- Getting him to play the sax for you.

- Having his hand on your thigh whenever he’s driving. 

- Making out.

- Hickeys.

- He likes when you wear his clothes, it’s like marking his territory without getting in trouble for making your neck different colors.

- Listening to morbid music.

- Deep existential conversations. What else do you talk about with your girlfriend besides the meaning of life and why society will ultimately cave in and destroy itself in a violent revolt?

- Late night phone calls from him. Be prepared to rush to your landline at three a.m. so that you don’t wake up your parents. You can’t even really be mad at him because he’ll just immediately launch into either a spiel about how he missed you or ask what your opinion on Manchurian candidates are; successfully silencing you in bewilderment. 

- Getting random knocks at your window whenever he decides he just has to see you. 

- Your parents either love or hate him, there is no inbetween. He’s generally pretty good at playing the role of the upstanding young man who cares a lot about their daughter; that parts real of course, but occasionally a parent will just get a bad vibe from him and his charade; though convincing, just won’t work on them. 

- If that’s the case with your parents then you’ll sort of be forced to sneak out if you want to see him, which he’s particularly good at helping you do. 

- Getting kept away from his father. He tries to keep your interactions to a minimum, especially if you have a much different personality than to the man.

- Incredibly jealous though he’ll always try to hide just how upset whatever situation you’re in makes him. He makes jokes and “forgets about it” as soon as you join his side, convincingly acting like nothing happened or that he saw nothing wrong with it but staying up the rest of the night wondering what he can do about it. 

- Possessive. You’re each others, aren’t you? He’s yours and you’re his. Everybody belongs to someone and the two of you belong to one another. 

- Is he protective? What do you think? If you ever complain about a person bothering you, he’ll almost immediately ask if you want him to kill them. You think it’s a joke. It’s not. 

- Although it may seem like he does things just for his own benefit, he would genuinely do anything you ask of him. Sometimes he’ll surprise you with the lengths that he goes to make your life easier and happier. 

- He’s hot tempered and kind of an asshole so the two of you are; most likely, almost constantly fighting. You’ll usually be yelling at each other or arguing passionately which is a problem because he thinks you’re hot when you’re angry. He’ll usually wind up trying to kiss you which succeeds in making things worse and having you give him the silent treatment/break up. 

- He tries his best to give you your space but the instant you want him back, he’s all over you. He usually never actually apologizes but he doesn’t force you to when you’re in the wrong either so you suppose it’s fair. 

- I love you’s are few and far between. He doesn’t really want to make himself seem too vulnerable so you only get them on rare occasions. 

- The two of you tend to not talk about the future. He wants to be with you forever; which is obvious, and he wants you to be his; which is also obvious. But you don’t know if you’re entirely sure you can handle him. So, you try to just enjoy the time you’re spending together and not think about how things may end. 

- You’re either the Bonnie to his Clyde or his blissfully unaware darling. Pick your poison. 

[wikiangela-fanfics]

Heartbeat

Ao3 here

This is dumb. I was listening to Enrique Iglesias and when I heard 'Hearbeat' I had this idea and decided to write it and, well, it sucks haha

Wasn't sure if I even wanna post this, but fuck it 🤷

It doesn't make any sense, I don't know what this is,

But enjoy, I guess hah 😅🖤

***

Bucky was a super soldier. That was common knowledge. And what it meant was having super strength, being super fast, having enhanced senses… like enhanced hearing. And look, by now he got used to it. He could just tune out certain sounds, or focus on that certain thing he wanted to hear. But there was one thing that he kept hearing, even though he didn’t try not to.

No matter how hard he tried to resist, his super hearing became really sensitive to Sam’s heartbeat. Which was crazy, and he didn’t exactly understand it. Just, whenever he was in a close vicinity with Sam, his ears were picking up on his heartbeat. In a short time he knew what even the smallest change meant.

What shocked him the most, was how it changed around Bucky.

How it would get a little quicker every time Bucky smiled at Sam - which he didn’t notice at the beginning, but he was observant.

How it would skip a beat whenever their hands accidentally touched, when they hugged, when there was any kind of physical contact, really.

After a while, Bucky even started noticing Sam’s heartbeat quicken when Bucky simply walked into the room where Sam was. And that’s because his super hearing started to pick up Sam even when they weren’t in the same room, somehow.

Honestly, the fact that he heard all that and physically couldn’t tune it out made him feel invasive and a little creepy, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. Again, he really tried not to do that.

Now, Bucky wasn’t stupid. He knew what it meant. He observed Sam and his behavior for a while after he started noticing this. He knew Sam’s heartbeat around others, while doing different activities, and he knew the difference. He knew how Sam felt about him.

And he felt the same way about Sam. His heart was doing all the same things as Sam’s. Plus, he kept thinking about him. He wanted to always be around him, though at the same time keep his distance, because hearing his heartbeat was intense and overwhelming, and hearing it on top of everything else was sometimes making his head hurt. He loved Sam’s smile, his stupid unfunny jokes that Bucky laughed at anyway, his movie references Bucky rarely got, but also how kind, good, and amazing he was. Bucky was just… so in love. He could list things he loved about Sam without end. He couldn’t imagine his life without Sam anymore, in whatever way he could have it, even if he tried.

But he didn’t want to ruin their friendship, especially at the beginning. And then with more and more time passing by, them becoming more comfortable with each other, becoming best friends, it became harder to both ignore the feelings, or gather courage to admit it. That’s when Bucky’s hearing started to hyper focus on Sam’s heartbeat and Bucky got the confirmation he needed - that Sam felt something for him too. Still, it was difficult. Because there was a possibility he was wrong.

With more and more time passing, he was getting more sure, but, to be honest, he was just scared. So he decided to keep ignoring those feelings, and wait until whatever was gonna happen between them happened - because he had no doubt it would eventually. For now, though, he decided to keep those feelings to himself. Until finally he couldn’t do it anymore.

***

They were in Delacroix, sitting at the docks, drinking beer, talking and just relaxing. Well, Sam was doing most of the talking, as usual. Bucky enjoyed listening to him talk, like he always did. But then Sam said something that made Bucky laugh, and suddenly Sam’s heart skipped a beat, reminding Bucky that, oh yeah, he could still hear it. Fuck, Sam was in love. And it made Bucky extremely happy, but constantly hearing it made him feel not only annoyed, but also just bad.

Still, he looked at Sam and saw him already looking at Bucky and smiling, and Bucky couldn’t not smile back. That’s when he heard Sam’s heartbeat quicken, just a little bit, but Bucky was really sensitive and attentive to every smallest change.

For some reason, that was the moment he couldn’t handle it anymore. His smile dropped and he quickly got up.

“What’s-” Sam started to ask, also slowly getting up, but Bucky interrupted him.

“I can’t, uh-” he exhaled heavily. “Sorry, I gotta go.”

“Go where?” Sam seemed confused. “Is something wrong?”

“Yeah, yeah there is.” Bucky ran his hand through his hair. “I can’t stop hearing- fuck.”

“Hearing what?” Sam tried to put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, but Bucky moved away. “Buck, you’re starting to worry me.” yeah, Bucky got that. He heard his heart start beating like it did when he was concerned.

“I feel insane, you know?” Bucky chuckled. This was ridiculous. “It’s gonna sound insane, and really bad, but don’t judge me, I really don’t have control over it.”

“No judgement here. Ever. Cross my heart.”

“Okay.” Bucky took a deep breath. “For a while now, I haven’t been able to- to stop hearing your heartbeat.” he more mumbled the last part, but he was embarrassed having to admit it. “My hearing just focuses on it, and it’s always there, in the background, even when you’re in the next room.” he wasn’t looking at Sam as he was talking, not wanting to see his expression. “It’s the only thing I can’t tune out. And it’s driving me crazy. I can hear your reaction to literally everything, including-” he sighed. “Including me.”

“Oh.” Sam said. He tried for a calm tone, but Bucky knew he was nervous. “And you, uh, you don’t like how, um, I react to you?”

“What?” Bucky looked at him now. Sam seemed unsure. “That’s not it at all, Sam. That I’m happy about. I just, it’s overwhelming. And it makes me feel like I’m invading your privacy, which I am doing, but I really don’t mean to.” he hoped he sounded as genuine as he felt. “I’m sorry, I’ve been trying not to listen. It’s not happening with anyone else, I don’t know-” he exhaled loudly again. “It’s just frustrating. I’m so sorry.” he repeated.

“Bucky, it’s fine.” Sam rolled his eyes. “You could’ve just told me.”

“And then what?” Bucky scoffed. “We’d just stop hanging out because of it?”

“We’d find a way to fix this. There has to be a reason, right?” Sam tentatively reached out again, putting his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “We can deal with this.”

“And you’re not mad?” Bucky asked doubtfully.

“Dude, how many times can we go through this?” Sam asked incredulously. “I can’t be mad at something outside of your control, okay? Besides, it’s just my heartbeat. Why would it be a big deal to listen to it? It’s not my thoughts.”

“You can find out surprisingly a lot by just listening to someone’s heartbeat and observing what caused different reactions.” he pointed out.

“Oh, really? And what did you find out?” Sam grinned, his heart quickening, probably already knowing what Bucky was gonna say.

“That, um, apparently-” Bucky cleared his throat, gathering his courage to say it. Here goes nothing. “Apparently you feel about me the same way I feel about you. If I read that correctly.”

“Well, that’s not ambiguous at all.” Sam rolled his eyes again. Then he moved his hand from Bucky’s shoulder to his cheek. Bucky felt his own heart start pounding in his chest. “So, if I am reading this correctly, uh- you’d be okay with me kissing you?” Sam asked, his voice shaky, heart beating as fast as Bucky’s, slowly bringing his face closer to Bucky’s.

“God, yes.” Bucky exhaled, and that’s when Sam linked their lips. And at that moment, their heartbeats, beating in the same rhythm, were the only thing Bucky could hear. All that existed was just them. It was amazing, and beautiful, and so much more than Bucky could’ve imagined. It felt long and short at the same time, and Bucky felt so much, he felt as if his every enhanced sense was working at the highest possible setting, and it was one of the most insane experiences he’s had. When they pulled apart, he felt lightheaded, and almost drunk, if he remembered correctly what feeling drunk felt like.

“You know, maybe the reason you couldn’t tune out only my heartbeat,” Sam started, leaning his forehead against Bucky’s, “is that you stole my heart and it’s yours now.”

“That was so cheesy.” Bucky laughed, not able to stop himself.

“Fuck you.” Sam pushed him away playfully, also laughing. “I’m trying to tell you I love you, and you're making fun of me.”

“Could’ve found better words for it.” Bucky shrugged, a huge grin not disappearing from his face. “I love you too.” he added, his voice softer now.

“Now go fuck yourself.” Sam said, amusement clear in his voice, as he sat down. Bucky just laughed and sat down next to Sam. “I’m serious, I take it all back.” he tried to make his expression serious, but failed. He couldn’t contain a smile, but he was looking ahead, not turning towards Bucky.

“Sure you are.” Bucky rolled his eyes. “I can hear when you’re lying.”

“Shit. Maybe it is an invasion of privacy. Should I be mad about it?”

“Yeah.” Bucky immediately responded. “But please don’t. I wanna kiss you again, and I have a feeling it won’t happen if you’re mad at me.” he added, leaning into Sam and putting his chin on Sam’s shoulder, so that his nose was against Sam’s cheek. Sam chuckled.

“Fine.” he sighed theatrically, then turning his head towards Bucky, bumping their noses. “I guess I can make out with you a little. And we’ll deal with the whole eavesdropping on my heartbeat stuff later.”

“That’s fine by me.” Bucky responded, because despite it still being intense and overwhelming, he felt a little better knowing Sam wasn’t mad about it. And that he knew about it now. So it wasn’t like, well, eavesdropping.

Bucky kissed Sam again, forgetting about anything else but the man next to him. They’d deal with whatever they have to deal with later. For now, he was happy, finally getting to express his feelings to the man he loved - getting to make out with him was even better, because damn, Sam was a good kisser. And being this close to Sam, Bucky could not only hear his heartbeat, but feel it, too. Sam was overwhelming all his senses, but for once, Bucky wasn’t gonna complain.

[dreamkidddream]

I really enjoyed your writing on the ADA members with a younger sibling like partner <33 I was wondering if you could write the same scenario but with Chuuya and Fyodor? Except the younger partner in question has a rough past and cheery/joking personality similar to Dazai(?) I'm super excited to see more of your writing!! c:

Hi anon! Thank you for the compliment and for reading (here’s the scenario for those that want to read it)! The only difference is that instead of this reader being pure, they’re going to be like a mini Dazai (or at least similar to him). One change that I did make was that Reader isn’t as suicidal as Dazai (ie. constantly trying to find a way to end their life), but Reader is ready to go whenever and wherever, whether it’s on their terms or not. Reader is gender neutral and hope you enjoy!

Also ayyyeeee my first time writing for Fyodor! Hope I did him justice cause his part took a while lol

TW: Mentions of suicide, dark moments (Reader is a bit sadistic, but nothing graphic is mentioned) small spoilers for Dark Era arc and Season 3

Acting as a Younger Sibling with a Rough Past and Personality Similar to Dazai with: Chuuya and Fyodor

Chuuya

Well he was extremely disturbed to say the least. Okay extremely may be over exaggerating, but the way you acted got underneath his skin bad

You reminded him too much of Dazai, minus the suicide attempts and the animosity towards him. Although that didn’t stop the morbid jokes from happening

“Hey Chu-Chu, what did the librarian say to the guy that wanted to check out a book on how to commit suicide?”

“How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that!-“

“Go away, you’re not going to bring it back. HA! A knee slapper, am I right?”

He wondered if Dazai got to you first like he did Akutagawa, and if he did, that was just another reason to strangle him

You were his partner, and you were young. So seeing the way you interacted with everyone and everything with such a pessimistic attitude while still being cheery was alarming

Not to mention how easy it is for you to just readily accept death at every turn. You’re the literal embodiment of “guess I’ll die” and it drives Chuuya up the wall every time

He remembers the one time an enemy held you hostage how you were so cheerful to finally be rid of this joke you called a life, and that you told the guy who was holding a gun to your head to “put it between the eyes, it looks 10x better that way.” And “don’t be afraid to blow my brains out either! But you do you, but I think it’s a rather stylistic choice if I do say so myself.”

The man thought you were trying to distract him at first, but when he figured out that you were serious he honestly got so nervous he was ready to just let you go and suggest therapy lmao

After he handled the situation, he took you directly under his wing. Sure, you were already his partner, but he was really going to look out for you including outside of work. If it meant that he had to “babysit” you, then oh well

Plus he didn’t want to face Mori if he just let you die while under his care

You realized what he was trying to do when you two would go off to “collect information” and would be doing the complete opposite. “Hey, I’m kinda hungry, let’s take a break and grab a bite to eat.”

“I thought we had to get this info back to Mori ASAP. Not that I care if he’s mad, he’s been holding out on me and this is the perfect way to take revenge.”

“Holding out how?”

“I told him that since he’s a doctor he would be the perfect teacher to show me some new techniques.”

“...on?”

“Torturing, duh! My methods are getting kinda stale, and I do want to perfect my craft after all. I want to be good at something before I kick the bucket, Chu.”

Poor man is honestly in so much distress because of you please help him

And the way you interacted with the other members was both entertaining and horrifying to watch at times. Majority of the time, you were this happy go lucky kid with a dark sense of humor (you still made people smile, although sometimes it was tense or apprehensive, but whatever a smile is still a smile). But when you were having a bad day or a mission was going wrong, everyone knew to steer clear of you.

A new recruit tried to cheer you up one day, telling you that “it could always be worse”. You then got pulled into the office with a very angry Chuuya and a mildly disappointed Mori.

Chuuya finally had enough after months of this occurred. It was like a never ending cycle: except your behavior was getting increasingly more reckless and dangerous. It was driving him crazy trying to figure out why you were this way and if it was any way to snap you out of it

He wasn’t a stranger to death, he’s seen it with his own two eyes, end even killed people with his bare hands. But the huge difference between you two is that he didn’t particularly enjoy killing, if it had to be done then he had no problems doing so; it comes with the job y’know? But with you, you took actual pleasure in killing. It filled you with a sick sense of glee, and it even made his stomach turn

The bond between you two grew from just a typical work relationship (as far as working in the mafia goes). He knew that from underneath your rather concerning persona, you were just troubled. Someone or something made you this way, and while he had his own troubles growing up, he was able to deal with it and overcome his issues. It just seemed like you just...gave in to yours. And it made him feel pity for you.

You didn’t mind Chuuya at all. You actually liked being his partner! He was pretty much the only person that you didn’t feel a need to harm or kill. And he was fun to be around, when he wasn’t being such a party pooper (I mean what’s the point of being in the mafia when you can’t purposely spill some blood every now and then for fun?). The only thing you didn’t like was how he would try and get you to talk about your past. You honestly didn’t see a point in it, it’s called the past for a reason, why didn’t he understand that?!

But no matter how many times you would shut down or try to change the subject, he would always try again, and again, and again. It was very annoying. And you didn’t like to talk about it. Why didn’t Chuuya understand that?!

Eventually, his pestering worked. One day after a rough mission when he had to patch you up, you opened up to him. You didn’t immediately tell him everything, but you gave him small insights to what happened, to what lead you to be this way

You could tell that he was grateful that he was finally getting somewhere with you. And you yourself was surprised that your dynamic didn’t change. He didn’t look at you with sympathy in his eyes, he didn’t baby you, he wasn’t disgusted by you, everything was normal. The only difference is that Chuuya told you that it was okay to talk to him, and that you shouldn’t be scared to approach him (psh you scared, yeah okay)

Chuuya felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders once you opened up. You were still a bit sadistic (but you did tone it back after the recruit incident, and after you saw how repulsed he looked, so you just did everything behind closed doors now) and had your cheery persona on, but it felt a little bit more real now. It felt genuine. It gave him a good feeling to see some spark in your eyes instead of the full he felt himself getting used to. And he would never say it to you, but it also gave him a warm feeling with him being your role model (you knew but didn’t want to burst his bubble yet)

Your change wasn’t very noticeable at first, but that’s okay. No one needed to know, it was fine with just you and Chuuya. You still felt the desire to just be done with life, but it wasn’t your focus whenever you were with him. You hadn’t made peace with your past yet, but you felt you could one day with him by your side. He was someone that you didn’t knew you needed (or wanted to admit to), but it worked out in the end. You had doubts that you could or would ever change, but if you did, growing to be someone like Chuuya would’nt be the worst possible outcome

Plus, whenever he did run into Dazai with his new sidekick, he is 10000% bragging about how much better and cooler you are, with him being the superior between them both. He can’t WAIT till you guys can whoop their ass

Fyodor

Well weren’t you such an interesting character

To see someone as young as you ready to just leave this world in an abrupt way was intriguing, and he realized that he could use this to his advantage. Maybe even give you something to gain in exchange

He found you hiding inside a disgusting abandoned building (a fitting place for a rat if he would say so himself), drenched in blood. Fyodor didn’t necessarily care why, but he was curious about one thing: why were you smiling? Your eyes were so lifeless, yet here you were smiling so bright, as if you weren’t covered in someone’s blood

Fyodor found himself smiling down at you. Did you think he was prey, that he was going to be your next target? He wanted you to try, he wanted to see what you were really capable of

“Tell me, what is going to be your next move? Do you wish to attack me?”

“If you do something that I don’t like, then yes, that’s the plan. Why are you here Mister? You wanna have some fun too?”, your smile turned into a smirk, twirling your very sharp knife in your hand. “You’re not even from here, so why are you trying to bother such an innocent kid like me?”

He matched your smirk, “You are from innocent, child, even a blind man can see that. To see just how full of sin you are. This wasn’t your first atrocity that you committed nor would it be your last. Which is a shame, it might be too late for me to cleanse you of your filth.”

Oh, he was going to be very amusing to mess with. But you weren’t stupid. Something wasn’t right with this man. No one would walk up to someone with copious amounts of blood on them, holding a weapon that caused said blood, while berating them about being “full of sin”. What was his ability? Did he have people with him? Was the building surrounded or booby trapped? These questions swirled around your head, all while he just kept smirking at you. He was pissing you off, who the hell did he think he was?

But you kept your anger at bay, plastering a cheerful smile on your face. “Sin? Cleanse me of my filth? I guess I do kinda stink but who exactly do you think you are, some type of God?”

“That’s exactly what I am. I’m here to free this world from this wretched curse that has been brought upon.”

...huh? Did-did he escape from the asylum or something? Did he seriously believe himself to be a God (not even a prophet but an actual God)? Seeing your confusion, he continued on, “The curse of ability users. They plague this Earth, and they need to be eliminated.”

“Why is that? What’s wrong with having abilities? Hellooooo, some people’s abilities are actually pretty cool! If you just have a terrible ability, it’s your problem, not the world-“

“Why not let me show you why it’s indeed a curse?”

“And how would you do that? You must be crazy if you think I’m going anywhere with you. I may be dangerous but I’m not dumb!”

“You poor, misguided soul.”, he tutted at you. “Look at where you have ended up at. These people with these so called “cool abilities” have failed you, have they not? Yet you still idolize them, not believing that they are the reason for your misfortunes. If they were truly your idols, they wouldn’t have left you to fend for yourself, to live among the rats. They left you to rot, do you not see that?”

He was hitting too close to home, he was getting too personal, too close. He didn’t know you at all, you’re a complete stranger to him, but why did his words hold some truth to them?

“Come with me, and I will prove to you first hand why this has to be done.”, he was now physically close to you, staring you deep into your eyes. “It would be such a waste for you to die without knowing the truth, wouldn’t you agree?”

You didn’t have much, he wasn’t wrong. But if he could take you somewhere with real food and not scraps you had to fight to find, and to have real shelter, then fine. You agreed. And if you felt that something was up, you’ll just kill him, run away, or both

After he took you away, he kept to his word. It seemed like he was really was telling the truth, you getting first-hand experience like he promised. It was scary that he was right, but you were also indebted to him. He not only allowed you to live in luxury (at least it was luxury to you considering what you had before), but he opened your eyes to what the true problem is. He gave your life a new purpose. If you two were able to successfully complete his goal, then your problems would be gone forever right? You would finally be able to feel a sense of peace, and you can’t wait till that could happen

You and Fyodor, after he opened your eyes, bonded easier than in the beginning. You were smart enough to not fully trust him after leaving with him, but after just a couple of pulled strings to cause certain things to happen, you slowly melted and molded into the way that he planned. You would be an excellent pawn in his grand plan, and you would do well in keeping him entertained at the same time

You were a joyful child, even when carrying out his dirty work, you did so gleefully. After joining the Rats in the House of the Dead, you tried to spread that joy among the other members. They didn’t find it very amusing, but you didn’t care and neither did Fyodor. You were far too important to let go of now

You were always by him, it seemed. Always in the same space, whether he was planning his next move, and playing the cello, you were always there with this look of awe directed at him. Every time he would catch you staring, he would simply chuckle and softly reprimand you about, “how rude it is to stare, but you simply can’t help it.”

He even taught you how to play the cello!

You sounded terrible but practice makes perfect

As time went on and the end goal seeming to be closing in, he came to see you as more than just an expendable tool. He found out about your past, but simply proved to you once again why you two had to make sure the curse was ridden as soon as possible. No one wanted a repeat of what happened to you to happen to anyone else, so the mission had to be success. Failure was not an option

Fyodor didn’t see himself as a cruel man towards you. He just didn’t mince his words and he made sure that you were dealing with the truth, and not some lie that was attempted to be twisted as reality. If anything, that was the way that he showed that he held some compassion for you, he wasn’t willing to let you be lead astray from the truth again, not while he was here. You had somehow wiggled your way into his mind, where he had been accepting of your close bond, and he took that into consideration

Once his goal is achieved and he has truly made his place known as a God, he’ll make sure that you gain your rightful place among him as well. You were worthy in Fyodor’s eyes, and as long as nothing came in between your bond and the end goal, then everything will work out. He will make sure of that.

[youwontlikethisblog]

Forgive Me!

This is a long post, like really long so take breaks if you need them :) There's also some rants in this lol

The night started off with Betty leaving Eco Moda and Armando going to a bar with Mario where they talked about the plan. At some point Mario, seeming sincere told Armando that he was convinced and that he shouldn't go and comply with his duties as a man.

However Armando tells Mario that he can't do that and with an endearing smile told him that Betty was really looking forward to them spending time together, that he couldn't let her down.

As I keep mentioning, Armando has an EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION to Betty up to this point. That emotional attraction is what pushes him forward. He does have a physical attraction to her but it is mostly based and motivated by his emotional attraction. I think it's extremely important to understand that having an emotional attraction to someone doesn't mean you don't find them physically attractive. People usually experience physical attraction at first sight and confuse that as love, however those types of relationships don't last long UNLESS there is a strong emotional attraction and while Armando has first experienced an emotional attraction to Betty and then a physical attraction to her, it doesn't make it any less valid that he does like her and that he is attracted to her but by this stage of the novela Armando, though not completely understanding his feelings towards Betty has now come to be at peace with his emotional attraction, though he still rejects the idea of any attraction to her because he's a man obsessed with perfection.

We have been seeing Armando slowly come around to his emotional attraction to Betty and whenever they have heavily emotional conversations or they are being vulnerable it is when he seems to desire her more. The entirety of his character is that he goes from being this vain and superficial man to being a man that cares for true substance and stops being so selfish. If he were to ONLY feel physical attraction to Betty or be ONLY motivated by that physical attraction than his character would have never learned any valuable lessons in life, aside from not being a liar. However the fact that his attraction to Betty is emotionally strong and the main course of action that moves him to change and INSPIRES him to change is what makes this such an important and impactful relationship to him because he knows he can satisfy his human body, however he's never felt his emotional senses satisfied. I don't want that lost in translation when I do these breakdowns because we understand why he has denied, ignored, and confused his feelings towards Betty, however it is important to also understand that the feelings he doesn't hide away from are the ones he is slowly embracing in the past few episodes that set a foundation to what happens on the night of Betty's party.

For that exact reason we get the scenes we do.

Now that that's out of the way, lets dive in.

Armando told Mario that he thinks Nicolas is still trying to get with Betty, that he had been calling her all day long and that he thinks that Nicolas is a cansón(unbearable) guy.

Later on at Betty's house after Don Hermes gave him a tour of his daughter's degree's and such, they're sitting down while Don Hermes drunkenly tells him about Uncle Lazaro, the man who was rich and lost all his money. As he tells him this emotional story we hear a knock. Betty runs to the door and calls out it's Nicolas and Armando tries to hold his composure.

This scene is a favorite for two reasons: One Nicolas does something that Armando swore he'd never do; take a romantic serenade to Betty and Two that while Armando has said he has never wanted to meet Nicolas in this scene you can tell that he wants to.

As Betty is outside with Nicolas who is telling her that he'll behave and that he even wore his best dress to impress Armando is inside constantly leaning towards the door and looking to that direction.

When Betty finally accepts the serenade from Nicolas Don Hermes words are impactful to Armando as he gives him a nickname, which means that Don Hermes like Nicolas a lot and views him as part of the family and lastly as Don Hermes said; that the most important thing to him was that Nicolas adores Betty.

To Armando this means a lot and it does upset him.

Take a look at the scenes of this episode; Betty's dad brags about his daughter, he shows her off like the most beautiful girl to ever exists and she is(being beautiful transcends the physicality of someone). I highly doubt that Armando's parents ever do that. Roberto didn't even know what his son studied in college. Armando has a deep respect for Don Hermes and fear of him as well(it doesn't stop him from being a jerk but he has it) and for a man that brags about his daughter that way, who protects his daughter so much, and who makes her daughter be respected; to declare Nicolas as the son they never had, say he's a member of the family, give him a nickname and say that what matters to him the most is that Nicolas adores Betty means so much to Armando because he holds none of that.

Armando isn't the one they call son, he isn't a member(not yet at least) of the family, he isn't the one that adores(that they know of) Betty and has Don Hermes approval. It angers him. The post I made "Nicolas Mora Is Better Than You" explains this a bit better. Armando has barely just begun to touch surface of what Betty's personal life is like and he now has to not only view Nicolas as his economic and romantic rival but now as the rival that is also taking away his opportunity to join Betty's family life.

Now add that with his short fuse and obsession with perfection and cleanliness, by the time everyone leaves the man wants to go. Also that Betty accepted Nicola's serenade and roses while he was there.

However when he tells Betty that he wants to go home and for her to follow him to the door he literally stops a step or two away from him, as if he sensed that his shadow was no longer there, he turned to look at her and asked her what was wrong, why wasn't she following him?

He tries to explain that they've been drinking, that his clothes are dirty, and that most places are closed but when he sees Betty's demeanor he lets out a sigh and tells her:

"Well, fine, Betty, okay. Let's see what's open." He says with a soft tone and happy to comply to Betty, who's entire demeanor brightens as she asks if he's for real. He gives her a genuine smile at this, she tells him to give her a moment to grab her things and then they can leave. Armando then hears his father-in-law start to sing and he covers his ears.

Just in time Roman and Co. cause a scene with Marcela and Patty(they were there spying on Armando) so that Armando and Betty can sneak off without getting caught.

(Read posts Betty's New Look, I Don't Believe He Desires Me Part 1 & 2 to better understand these following posts.)

Both Betty and Armando have been drinking that night but Betty more than she is used to so she is being more relaxed ;)

While Armando is driving and looking for a place to eat Betty is giving him small kisses on the neck. When Armando asks if she's had a lot to drink she chuckles and says yes.

As Armando explains that all restaurants are closed and there's no more places open Betty asks if he's still hungry and he sarcastically respondes that the appetizers are her house were exquisite(he didn't get to eat) and asks Betty what place did she suggest.

"We can go dance."

"Dance?" he asks surprised.

"Yes Sir, let's go dance." She smiles but Armando doesn't seem enthusiastic or even happy about it. So Betty leans away from him. "Mm, well, if I'm taking your time, if you don't want to be with me, if you're bored, and you want to go to Ms. Marcela's apartment, I get it."

"Betty it's not that, Betty. How do I explain this? It isn't that. It's just getting late, it's getting really late." He tries to play it off with a laugh. However Betty swallows hard and stays silent. Armando turns to glance at her briefly and takes in a quick breath and says "Okay we'll do something, don't get sad my picarona(google translate gives me both naughty and smart so you do with that information what you will)." he grabs her by the chin. "We'll go dance for a little then."

"The Sir had his drinks too, no?"

"Yeah... but a few." He says at the end. "I still need a few more." he says under his breath. Betty then leans her head on his shoulder and he stops the fake smile and shows a genuine one.

(The next scene is of Freddy dropping off Aura Maria and I'm currently writing another post about them :))

[I don't know if y'all noticed that Both Armando and Betty are using the same outfit that they used the day of the new collection launch(before he changed for the show). Betty is wearing the same green dress with flowers while Armando is wearing the same black suit with the dark gray shirt and dark purple tie.]

Armando and Betty made it to a club where they danced until Armando imagined Marcela catching him and he freaked out and told Betty it was best for them to sit down.

He's paranoid because Marcela hasn't been ringing up his phone so he thinks that she's following him though the times he has spoken to her that night he has always said "We'll talk tomorrow" implying that for the night they won't converse anymore but because Marcela is a controlling possessive freak he is paranoid she'll catch him.

Betty goes onto being the supportive girlfriend who wants to take care of his emotional needs by asking:

"Sir what's wrong? Is something worrying you? Are the drinks making you ill?"

"No." He says after he sets his drink down. "Or yes? I don't know." He looks worried.

"What's happening is that we've drank too much." Betty smiles and runs her fingers through the back of his head. "we're a little crazy." she laughs.

"Yeah."

"But I'll make sure to make you better, sir."(GIRL (0O0)). Armando looks at her serious.

"Yeah, how?"(DUDE I CAN'T Y'ALL DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH AND NOW WRITE? LMBO).

"With my kisses." Betty pulls him closer and he leans down to kiss her and they goin, they goin at it, my guy. For a man who says that he isn't attracted to Betty he sure do have a funny way of showing it. CAUSE DANG SON.

Armando jumps back a few seconds later because he is imagining Marcela sitting across from them watching him. Panicked he jumps back and tells Betty:

"Betty you're like pa-pa-passionate[tonight]."

Betty here asks for consent, she is asking for the go ahead to continue.

"Why Sir? Do you not feel the same that I do?"

"Eh ye-yes, of course."

"This urge to be close, kissing." Betty kisses him "Oh Sir, I need you so so much. Do you need me?" Armando has been distracted looking around him, paranoid that Marcela could be around but also because Betty is really putting it out there, you know?

'Ah?" However to reply to her he finally stops looking around and stares at her and with sincerity tells her "Yes, I also need you so much."

There's a reason why I point this out a lot recently and that is that Armando throws all caution to the wind and prejudice and stops caring about his denial whenever he has let his guard down around Betty and whenever they have been conversing about emotional subjects.

Here when Betty said she'd make him feel better it allowed him to feel her love because it wasn't just Betty flirting, he knew and trusted that she would both emotionally and physically, which is why he invited her flirtatious effort and flirted back. Then when Betty was telling him how much she needs him, asking if he too needs her, though for Betty this was all her flirting and being romantic, to Armando this all felt very emotionally charged because when he responded to her that he too needs her very much it wasn't just physically but mostly emotionally and that means to him so much more than anything else when it comes to Betty up to this point because they haven't sinned(lol) so once more he welcomes and returns Betty's affections.

He still pulls away though and he looks confused and worried as well as uncomfortable.

[EDIT: After watching this scene again(I pressed the wrong episode and I'm too lazy to go back on the disc menu but I ain't complaining) I realize that Armando's expression here isn't him uncomfortable, it's worried, and surprised. After he pulls away he keeps his eyes closed, as opposed to before when before, during, and after he kept his eyes open. He keeps eye contact with her and swallows hard and takes in a deep breath and then searches her eyes.]

"What's wrong, Sir? Do you not want to be with me anymore? Do I make you uncomfortable? Am I bothering your?" Again, Betty is asking him for consent. She is asking him if he wants to. This is so important! Not only because it proves that Betty didn't take advantage of Armando like so many think she did but because it holds a lot of emphasis when it comes to Armando and his affairs/relationship with Marcela and I'll explain that later on in the post.

"No-no it's not that Beatriz. I'm just nervous and paranoid." he says looking around "this thing with Marcela, I don't feel at peace. Why don't we leave?"

"Where to?" Betty asks with a smile.

"Where?" He asks worried.

"Yes, or do you not want to be with me, Sir?" Betty again is picking up on his cues. "We've only been together for a little bit." Betty's had her arms around Armando's shoulders this entire time and is staring at him adoringly.

"No yeah, yeah. I don't know. Let's go somewhere else, like some other place."

"We can go somewhere we can be tranquil and at peace." She flutters her eye. "lets go." She kisses him.

Now Armando once again has been a hit or miss. One moment he welcomes Betty's advances and the next he seems uncomfortable. One moment he sincerely encourages her advances and the next he do so forcefully.

When it comes to consent the lines are very clear. Betty has asked for clear consent and when she herself, drunk or sober, has taken notice that Armando is not on the same page as her, she has asked to reassure herself and him. She is doing all of this under the guidance that Armando feels the same way and is consenting, both physically and verbally.

Yes, she's had a lot to drink which would explain why she isn't so timid as to flirt and show her affection. Betty is a affectionate drunk, or a happy drunk if you will. So this is normal behavior for a drunk Betty. We've only seen her drunk once before(when the girls took her out to celebrate her promotion) and she was pretty happy, giggling, and over-all when she got home very excited and happy as she wrote in her journal.

Armando is a cynical drunk...well he's always cynical. This is really based on personal opinion and not on what we are being told by the writer during this scene so take this with a grain of salt. I believe that Armando IS feeling paranoid about Marcela, obviously, we are shown this but I also believe that the reason he also jumped back when he was kissing Betty is because he felt something other than the emotional attraction he's so used to feeling towards Betty and it was a lot more noticeable to him here.

[EDIT: Hey guys this is a correction to a certain detail that I confused, though the meaning still stands.

I wanted to clarify this because I mixed up both scenes. This is the kiss after he jumps back when he sees Marcela sitting across from them. This time he pulls away from Betty with his eyes closed, that expression that he has is the face that tells us that he knew in that moment that physically he would be capable of doing that to Betty. ]

Now Betty and him leave the club and while Betty is inside the car Armando calls The Love Guru, Mr. Dimples, The Hype Man.

While he expresses that he has no desire, no wish, no anything that inspires him to do that with Betty, Mario tells him that he should just grab the situation by the horns and get it over with, that Betty is testing him to see how far his love for her goes and this is where he finally decides to do it.

Mario didn't use his classic tactics of "The Company! Our Money! Your Family! Nicolas! Your Ego!" this time he said "She's testing to see how much you really love her." and Armando decides, with free will and all, that he'll take Betty to a hotel.

This scene pisses me off for a lot of reasons(it's actually my first time seeing this scene since the NBC airing took it off when I saw this episode so this is all my opinion at the heat of the moment lol)

For one, though Armando does care for Betty, he doesn't care enough. He is disregarding the fact that Betty is a human being, a person with feelings and emotions and all he's doing is just forcing himself to go along with it, yes he has secret desires bla bla bla, but above all, his actions are being driven by deceit, to himself and to Betty. The fact that he doesn't even take some time to consider her feelings, to express himself so disgusted by the idea that Betty, his Betty, desires him and he thinks it's so disgusting that she does, infuriates me!

He is being extremely unfair here because he believes he is the first man to ever lay eyes on her, to ever be physical with her. He believes that he is the first man Betty will ever be with to the extent of the word and even then, even for some stupid sympathy, some stupid chivalry or some stupid kindness! He doesn't think about how she could be feeling! He doesn't stop to consider if she's scared, afraid, nervous, a freakin' wreck! He stops to think "Oh I can't take her to my apartment because then she won't ever leave!" just like he expressed himself about Claudia Boche. He thinks more about himself than he does about Betty and her wellbeing and this plays such a huge role in Betty's future pain.

But damned be his dedication questioned and he'll kick into gear.

While yes Armando has begun to actually play the role of her boyfriend, who has now learned to place Betty's feelings before his own, sometimes, he has yet to learn to be a man about it all. He still hasn't truthfully sat down to try to figure out his dream and when he has done so, he has decided to ignore, deny, reject, and push away.

Betty deserves so much more than this "man" that night.

Ok personal rant over, let's continue being objective.

Okay it's not. Can he make up his mind?

Now it is.

So Armando drives up to a hotel, where Betty asks where they are and he tells her, a hotel(okay sometimes breaking down Armando's behavior exhaust me but it's like I love to suffer IG, so I keep doing this to myself lol so I'm probably gonna be snarky and sarcastic a lot for this one lol) and goes on to explain that he thought this is what she meant but then tells her in a fast pace "or not. We can go home to our beds because we have to get up early-" and Betty interrupts him by saying that it was what she was thinking and leans in to kiss him and again, homeboy goes in. He goes in with enthusiasm, like someone pointed a gun to his head and said "Kiss her like you mean you slut" and he said "bet, no gun needed."

Yo that's a nice hotel(THIS IS ALSO MY FIRST TIME SEEING THE SCENE OUTSIDE OF THE HOTEL. Y'ALL GETTING MY LEGIT FIRST REACTIONS).

Armando's behavior here is embarrassment as he is whispering who he is and that he wants a hotel reservation. He keeps looking around to see if anyone will notice him.

Also Armando is bougie cause he told Calderon that he wasn't going to go to a dingy dark hotel and look at the very NOICE hotel he did go to. The hotel is very nice.

Betty however has not once laid her eyes off of Armando. One could imagine what she's thinking. It's something probably along the lines of "I can't believe this is happening, that he's here, that it's really him and that we're here together. That he desires me just like I desire him."

However as soon as they enter the room Betty's entire demeanor changes. She stops holding onto him and her smile falls from her face and she looks like she's holding her breath. Very timidly she sits on the bed and when she notices Armando sitting as well she moves away with her hands holding each other in front of her, on her lap.

I imagine this probably brings back flashbacks of her first time and how she must've felt. She's probably running all these memories and thoughts of it, wondering if Armando will also be like Miguel.

I do appreciate the fact that this scene is so quiet. It makes it so realistic and honest as well as raw. While Armando is thinking about he is sacrificing himself, Betty is reliving a trauma.

This is why I didn't want to talk about Armando physically desiring Betty as this eager craving that was driving him crazy. His desire for Betty in a physical sense was motivated and pushed forward by the growing of his emotional attraction, again, that doesn't invalidate his attraction to her, attraction is attraction one way or the other the only difference is that physical attraction doesn't last very long while emotional attraction does.

Armando turns to look at Betty with a pain expression on his face. His brows are furrowed but his mouth is in a snarl.

Betty then stands up quickly and excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

Now Betty's first time has a lot of impact here, it isn't only because she's been bullied and made fun of because of her appearance all of her life. Her first time with a man made her feel extremely hideous as a woman. Could you imagine what she felt when she found out that Miguel had only slept with her because of a bet? To look at herself in the reflection of a mirror after that? And not obsess with it, not hate what she was staring at? To not feel disgusted by her own reflection? While before she hated that she was ugly this time it felt so much more personal, to the point that she wanted to die. Her first time was traumatic and it holds so much meaning here.

Betty is staring at her reflection, she glances at her body covered in her baggy clothing and pulls her coat forward, she rolls her shoulders back, pulls her glasses up and stares at her face, while Betty is going through this Armando is going through his own dilema.

He calls up Mario and tells him that he doesn't think he can do this and Mario tells him to order a pill or something but to do it.

"I'm going to try to be more explicit. I won't be capable of it."

"Where's Betty?"

"She's in the bathroom." He points with his hand holding a whisky. "She's in the bathroom, I'm waiting for her to come out. Brother, I want to leave, yeah? I want to run out of here." He says those last words as a begging.

"Look, Armando, I don't think you've understood me. You're playing with fire. Get serious. You can't take her to a hotel room and then try to escape. You can't, it's too late. Comply with your obligation, man."

"I can't. I'm not capable of doing this to Betty. Plus I've had two bottles of beautifiers, of whisky, and none of that, none of that convinces me that I have to do this to Betty."

"Listenlisten wait for her to come out of the bathroom, turn off the lights, close the curtains, leave the room in complete darkness and think of Adriana Arboleda[...] but you're not leaving there, you understand me? You. Are. Not. Leaving."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks a lot." He angrily hangs up the phone. Armando then goes to turn off the lights and close the curtains.

A very shy and timid Betty steps out of the bathroom and the darkness towards the part of the room where the bed is.

"Betty..." He squints at her. "Would you like a drink?"

"No Sir." She smiles. "I drank enough tonight." She laughs(her smile here is so cute! Like she smiles so bright that her eyes almost close and she looks so cute! I told you I love Betty, she is my child and I will defend her to the ends of the earth.) but when she turns to look at Armando she stops. He stands up and goes to kiss her but Betty, though for a second looks like she's going to kiss him, walks past him and sits down on the bed, again, sitting very straight and still(A sign of nervousness) with a worried expression, her hands are once again clasped in front of her, sitting on her lap.

Armando and Betty both lean in to kiss once they're both sitting on the edge of the bed again but Armando pulls away this time. Betty searches his face while he maintains his eyes closed and swallows hard. His expression was pained one.

"What's wrong, Sir?" She leans back. Armando now opens his eyes and stares off at something else.

"it's-it's just that I won't be able to, Beatriz, I'm sorry." He finally says.

"It's because of Ms. Marcela, right?"

"No, it's because of you." He says the last word looking away from her and standing up and going to the couch next to the bed, against the wall.

Betty swallows hard and stares off to the other side of the room and then turns to stare at him, once again swallowing hard, her eyes start to tear up and she nods.

"Don't worry, Sir. I understand." She looks down at her hands.

"Thank you, thank you." Armando replies while staring at her though for a quick second he looks confused about it.

Betty draws in a sharp breath and begins to speak. "I knew that this, this couldn't happen." Armando now stares at her, again, with a solemn expression. "That it was the start of a dream but without an ending." She chuckles while Armando still stares at her, Betty hasn't made eye contact since she said she understood. "I aspired too much with you." Armando looks away from her, deep in thought and considering what Betty is saying. "It was already enough that you would have noticed me, for you to go out with me..." Betty's chin quivers and her eyes become more teary while her voice chokes up as she tells him "for you to have kissed me." she shakes her head and looks like she's fighting the urge to start sobbing. "This is a big deal to me, Sir. What I have accomplished with you up to now, is just too much to just expect that you desire me as well." She finally looks at him.

"No. No, Betty you're misinterpreting what I just said. It's not like that either." He speaks to her softly. Betty however shakes her head, with tears streaming down her cheeks.

"No-nono Sir. You don't have to explain it to me. You-you don't have to feel that kind of attraction for me...that desire. You can't be the exception...and for the fact of having this... very beautiful relationship...by the fact that I love you, Sir." She again makes eye contact with him. "Doesn't mean that you're under the obligation to make love with me." She looks down at her hands.

Armando removes his glasses and stands up to take Betty's hands in his.

"No Beatriz, come, please come." He takes her hands into his and holds them up. "Don't say those things, yeah? Don't say these things, no." he says staring at her.

"Sir." Betty looks somewhere else. "Forgive me. Forgive me for pressuring you, for-for having been so overbearing tonight. Forgive me, sir." She begs. "I'm such an imbecile." She cries. "Forgive me." She covers her face with her hand. Armando takes her hand.

"Don't say those things, Beatriz. I do desire you." He whispers and leans in to kiss her but after two kisses Betty pulls away, stands up and says:

"No no, Sir. You don't have to do it. Don't do it out of compassion or commitment."

"Beatriz I-I'm not doing this nor do I want to do this for any of the things you just said." he says emotionally frustrated. Betty turns to stare at him again.

"Then why do you want to, Sir?" She asks timidly.

"I want to do this because I love you." Armando himself seems surprised by this confession of his. "Because I love you, Betty."

And scene.

Marcela, the models, and the women Armando has had affairs with have more in common than looks and social statues. They also don't take no for an answer.

When Armando has at first said no, has said that he doesn't have time, this and that, the women continued to insist until he finally gave in. Yes, Armando is a seggsual man and yes he does choose to sleep with these models but lets not ignore the fact that he too at times is pressured, persuade, or manipulated. Is he an easy victim? Yes because he is a man driven by his seggsual needs, does this excuse his cheating? No because at the end of the night he does consent because he finally gives in into his desire but it doesn't happen until they basically beg him to. Marcela is a different story. She seggsually manipulates him a lot.

In other words what I'm trying to say is that for the first time ever that's about to change. When he calls Mario to beg him to get him out of that situation, Mario dismisses his feelings and tells him he has to "man up" and do it, an angry Armando agrees and hangs up, however this is very similar to the time he tried to explain his feelings and why he felt so guilty for what he was doing to Betty and Mario just made a joke about it all and he stopped talking about it.

So he stays, against his will, feeling guilty, terrified, and scared of it all and a timid Betty enters the room and when he makes an advance she moves, when he makes an advance and she follows it but stop when she sees that he isn't doing anything anymore, she studies him and asks him what's wrong.

Even when Betty is terrified, reliving a trauma, she caters to him and his emotional needs. Armando finally confesses that he can't do that(I'll explain I promise!), when Betty asks if it's because of Marcela, he again confesses that it's because of her[Betty] and this shatters her but she understands and she again places his feelings and his needs before her own.

Betty has been cautious, sober or drunk. She has asked for consent, she has read his body language, she has waited for him to reciprocate it. Up until this point, Armando had given her the green light. When she was doubtful, apologized, and pulled away, he told her otherwise.

However now things have changed. Again Betty asked for consent and this time he didn't give it. However unlike all the other ones, Betty doesn't pressure nor try to convince him otherwise. This time the woman he was going to spend the night with tells him that she understands him, that he doesn't owe her an explanation, that he isn't obligated to do that just because she loves him.

This time Armando's no is being respected and this holds a huge significance in what is to come next.

As he hears Betty's expression of remorse, her shame and guilt over her behavior towards him, he is once again grabbed by the cheeks and forced to face his feelings for Betty.

When he repeated that he couldn't do that to Betty we have to look at the context of that. Unlike when he spoke to Mario at the office and outside of his car at the club Mario told him to take a pill, something to physically make him capable of doing it but Armando clarifies that he didn't mean that, he meant he wasn't going to do that to her.

That he wasn't going to be her first time under the guise of love when he wasn't even aware that he had those feelings for her.

Finally Armando pulls his head out of his an*se. and starts to think about Betty and how it could impact her because he is capable to physically do this. He sits on the corner of the mattress taking in deep breaths, mentally preparing himself to think of AA to be able to do this but when it comes down to it, when he is now faced with timid and sweet Betty, he no longer can.

When he is faced with an emotional Betty that is being vulnerable, sharing her spirit with him, he is faced with the reality of his feelings.

What is love?

Love is an emotion we all feel to certain degrees. There is familia love, platonic love and romantic love.

Above all that however love has qualities that allow us to pinpoint what we are feeling and if it's healthy.

Love is kind, respectful, honest, loyal, faithful, humble, peaceful it is not possessive nor jealous and it does not hold record of wrong doing. Love is forgiving and love is selfless.

Betty truthfully loves Armando.

However, Armando is still figuring this out but in this scene, while Betty cries and tries to hold herself together, Armando shows to be kind, honest, peaceful, forgiving and selfless.

Armando has the exact same expression he has when Betty is letting him in, when she's giving her all, showing her heart and being to him with simple words of confessions. He is always deeply impacted by what she is saying. When Betty says that she aspired too much he looks away from her because the guilt is now killing him. He is seeing how what he has done has affected Betty and his fear of hurting her sets in because now what Betty feels, he feels too.

"it's just too much to just expect that you desire me as well." his expression here is pained, it hurts him to hear this from her.

He replies to her "You're misinterpreting what I just said."

What exactly is she misinterpreting?

He said that he couldn't have relations with her because of her. For Betty, who has once been with a coward, who has been made the laughing stock of Eco Moda, her neighborhood, and schools, there's only one reason why, she's ugly and no man would ever desire her.

So what does Armando mean here? Because his tone of voice, his behavior is very natural.

Armando couldn't sleep with Betty under deceit. He couldn't sleep with her by pretending she's somebody else and he couldn't sleep with her for the sake of everyone else that he's doing it for(the company and his ego). Armando couldn't be Betty's "first" if it meant he wasn't being honest but as he sits there and listens to her his heart is moved and it isn't for sympathy, empathy, obligation, or pity that he stands up to tell her the he does want to be with her, that he does desire her, it is for love.

This is where that emotional attraction I keep pointing out comes into play. Once again, when Armando is fully charged on emotion with Betty he is ready to go.

"Just because I love you." He is fully concentrated in every word Betty is saying and the meaning of it and the fact that under deceit he has gotten Betty(We know she's loved him since before but he doesn't) to fall in love with him makes him angry at himself(he clenches his jaw showing anger or frustration.).

But how are we so sure Armando is being honest in this scene with Betty?

For one Armando can't bare to make eye contact with Betty when he's lying to her or feeling guilty. When he is being manipulative his voice sound distant from emotion, rehearsed, unnatural, and cocky. This time it isn't like that at all. He stares, makes eye contact and his voice is sweet, tender one could say, full of emotion, natural, and desperate to comfort her.

So in conclusion this night is very meaningful for the both of them. For Betty this is the first time since Miguel that she is giving all of herself despite her trauma. It is the first time she is trusting somebody else and welcoming them into her intimate space. However for Armando this night is also very meaningful because it's the first time that someone respects his boundaries and doesn't demand for excuses or reasons. Its the first time someone apologizes to him for crossing the line, the first time someone considers him in the relationship, add that to the fact that he was already deeply moved and affected by the way Betty is treated and how it makes her feel and you've got yourself a man that for the first time ever is in love and he isn't only going in for the mechanics of it all but to make Betty feel his love, to give himself to her, to show to her that she is important, she is desirable, she is his love.

However when all is said and done, Armando is left confused with everything because an otherwise emotionally "controlled" man who has been denying and ignoring his feelings towards Betty has finally let his guard down and he has crashed into the abyss of his feelings that finally came to light.

Was Armando in love before? No.

Up until this night Armando wasn't in love but in the heat of the moment with emotions riled up inside of him, he fell in love.

How do we know he didn't lie or manipulate Betty?

Because when we finally see their scene after they fornicated(I am really immature and that makes me laugh) Armando is sleeping like nothing, homie fell asleep like he just had the best time of his life and was ready to hit the hay but we've been told that Armando hasn't been sleeping and shown scenes of him tossing in bed but this time he is sound asleep.

Now, again, this is the first time that both his physical and emotional needs were met at the same time so of course it's an important night.

Betty is left more in love than ever, more enamored, hallucinated than before and when she exits the bathroom we see a cold man who at seeing Betty softens.

Homegirl gave mans a five star rating in her yelp review.

When she hugs him he looks confused but also savoring the moment.

As they walk towards the reception desk Armando no longer looks stressed out. In fact he walks with Betty at her pace, holding her hand and checks out without whispering and behaving casual and normal.

When they're in his car and she leans her head on his shoulder, he asks what she's doing and she says "I want to keep dreaming." and he looks pained by this because Armando has had conversations with himself about his feelings and the ending of their relationship because he knows he will never end his relationship with Marcela.

Finally the drop off scene.

While Betty is asleep on his shoulder, Armando stares at her sleeping and gently wakes her up.

"Thank you so much for everything. It was the best birthday of my life." She smiles at him.

He swallows his guilt and tells Betty that she has no idea how happy that makes him.

"Beyond the best birthday of my life, it's been the best night of my life and though I know this is just another night, that you've had other nights with so many women(girl nice way of calling him a whore, I approve) -"

"No." He states. "No. this night was very special, very, very special."

"Of course." Betty picks up her head. "Because you've never been with a woman like me." She laughs but Armando stares are her serious.

"No Betty, No. This night was very special and you won't ever imagine how special it was. See, lets talk tomorrow, alright?" He smiles at her. Betty's demeanor shows us that she believes what he said to her.

"And will you go to Ms. Marcela's apartment now?"

"No." He says quickly. "No. I'm going to stay at my apartment." Betty nods slightly and moves to exit his car when he stops her. "Betty see I need to ask you a question, I don't know, I've got stuck inside of me, and it's best that I ask it now."

"Ask me." She nods.

"What happened tonight, what we did you and I...truth be told...I-I always thought that it be your first time ever. I would have never thought that you'd made love in the past."

Betty swallows hard and asks him: "and does that affect you? Does it change your image of me? Sir, will you stop loving me?"

"No, no, no. It was imply curiosity, Betty. Beatriz, who were you with before[me]?" Betty looks away from him and swallows hard. "There was another man in your life, right?" he seems a bit jealous here. Betty nods.

"Yes, Sir...there was someone...I had a relationship before[you]."

"Nicolas Mora?" he asks mad.

"No." He looks away, relieved. "another person but I don't like talking about that."

"No I don't want to make you uncomfortable either so lets no talk about it anymore. You know.. go in and rest a bit. We'll see each other at the office, alright?" Betty nods and they both lean in for a goodnight kiss.

Armando asks himself what he did as Betty walks across his car to get to her house and he watches her until she enters her house and turns on his car to leave. Unlike before that he turned on his car as Betty walked to the door and drove off as she entered her house, this time he waits for her to go in to turn on his car and this small details is so important!

It is currently 10 am where I'm at and I have been writing this post since 11 pm last night so forgive me for my typos, which I'm sure there is more than the usual but by this point it's my signature.

'Til next time! :)

[EDIT:

I just wanted to also point out how relaxed Armando is when he shows up to his apartment that he starts to play with his dog(yet another victim of this show WHY DON'T WE GET MORE DOG SCENES, WHAT HAPPENS TO HIS DOG?) and for a brief moment is deep in thought while we hear Betty's monologue, as if they're sharing the same thoughts.

Then Armando walks into his room and his actual girlfriend is waiting for him, he rolls eyes and this is the first time that not even her seggsual manipulation works on him.

Marcela asks the same questions Betty asked him "Does it bother you? Does it make you uncomfortable?" but unlike Betty who was truly concerned for him, Marcela does it to control him.

They argued but by the end of it when Armando tells her he is perfectly fine and just wants to wash up and go to bed Marcela goes to kiss him, telling him that she wants him(and unlike when Betty said this, that he told her he did too, this time Armando doesn't even interact with Marcela) but unlike before, when he'd at least give in a little, well at least to the degree that Marcela thought it was okay for her to continue, this time Armando just stares at her with a serious face.

"What's wrong with you? What? You don't want to be with me? Want me to leave?" She asks angrily. Armando once more, with a dead serious expression tells her:

"I'm tired." He says and purses his lips while he stares at her.

"That's never been an impediment in the past."

"Well tonight it is." He says.

He tells her not to worry, that tomorrow will be another day and the last part sounds like he is telling that to himself. As well his rejection to her is not only because he made love to Betty, with Betty, but because he also told her that that night he wasn't going to be with Marcela, in other words, he wasn't going to get rid of her trace.

I do feel bad for Marcela in this scene but not enough.

Okay I'm sleepy bye. ]

[binxyu]

When people spoke of love, you grimaced inside. You had never felt truly loved before and the only person you had ever wanted couldn’t have you. Love? It can be deadly. It can be staggering. It can be the end.

>>Pairing: Hwang Hyunjin x reader | best friend!hyunjin x heartbroken!reader

>>Word Count: 2.8k

>>Genre: Oneshot / Requested / Angst

>>Warnings: Mentions of murder, s*icide, mental illness, self harm, mental and physical abuse, and death

Hyunjin had always been suspicious of your boyfriend. It was natural for him to be protective but something had always been off about him. Maybe it was the way your boyfriend always had his arm around you when he was around or that bruises showed up on your skin when you spent time with him.

Whatever the reason was, Hyunjin didn’t trust him and he couldn’t help but worry about your safety and happiness. When you two were alone, you always seemed so happy and excited to see him. But, whenever you met up with him or your other friends when your boyfriend was with you, you seemed tired and depressed.

Of course, Hyunjin could’ve been overthinking, but he had known you for so long that he knew when you seemed off. You were the only reason Hyunjin was even still alive and you lit up his world. Seeing you constantly depressed, unmotivated, and in pain was so different. Hyunjin hated that different.

“Y/n, you feeling okay?”, Hyunjin asked now that you and him were finally alone. He had noticed as soon as he saw you that your cheek was bright red and there were small bruises spread across your wrist and arm. You had tried to hide them with your long sleeve, but Hyunjin still noticed.

“Oh, yeah I’m fine!”, you smiled softly, a smile that would usually make Hyunjin smile too but he knew this one was fake. It was forced and that was obvious. He knew because he also used that fake smile a lot. The only time he didn’t was when he was with you.

“Okay... let’s go get you those new clothes then”, Hyunjin smiled back, deciding not to continue talking about it. He wanted you to at least be happy with him for a little bit, so he held your hand and walked with you towards the nearest clothing store.

“Hyunjin! What about these?”, you held up a pair of shorts and the man smiled at you, thinking you’d look cute in them. He said you should try them on and he’ll get them for you, but you remembered the dark bruises and scars all over your thighs and realized you could never wear shorts again. You held back your tears and shook your head.

“It’s getting cold out! I better get jeans instead”, you smiled at him and Hyunjin’s eyebrows furrowed. It was warm outside recently and spring was coming soon, but he didn’t comment on it. If there was a problem then he assumed you would tell him like you always did.

Help me. Please

That’s what you wish you could tell him, but you knew your life would be in more danger than it already was. Hyunjin’s life would be too. He didn’t know enough about your abusive boyfriend to keep himself safe.

He didn’t know that your boyfriend hit you, slapped you, and tried to kill you. He didn’t know that he was a criminal and would kill you if you tried to leave him or tell anyone. The less Hyunjin knew, the safer he was. You knew that.

“Okay, let’s get jeans instead”, Hyunjin nodded and you were thankful he didn’t ask questions. You went through more stores and Hyunjin spoiled you, trying to make you feel safe and happy for a few hours. He also had noticed that your clothes recently had been ripped and dirty, so he wanted to get you new ones.

“Thank you”, you actually let out a genuine smile as you watched Hyunjin carry all the bags of clothes he bought you. You tried to tell him to stop and let you buy them even though you knew you couldn’t afford them. Hyunjin still bought them anyways and you were beyond thankful.

“Your welcome”, he put his arm around your shoulder and kissed your head like he always did. You felt your heart beat a little faster and you mentally scolded yourself.

Calm down. If you love him then he will be gone.

That thought always appeared in your head whenever you were with Hyunjin. You loved him more than anything, but you couldn’t accept that. You couldn’t act on that. He would be dead if you did.

Or I will be.

You knew that about Hyunjin’s scars and depression. You were the only reason he lived and you knew that. You saved him and without you there would be no Hyunjin.

If I die then so does he.

That is why you put up with your boyfriend and faked a smile. Your love for Hyunjin kept you alive. It kept you fighting.

Fighting for another day. Fighting against your thoughts that told you to end your pain and leave. Fighting against everything against you.

Just to see the man beside you smile. Smile just another day.

“Let me at least buy you some hot chocolate”, you begged and Hyunjin pouted, but he eventually agreed and you let out a sigh of relief as you two walked to a café together.

“You know me too well”, he chuckled and you rested your head on his shoulder happily.

The worst thing of it all, Hwang Hyunjin, is I still want you.

I want to love you, kiss you, and protect you, but I can’t.

“Here you go!”, you handed Hyunjin his hot chocolate and he sipped on it, letting out a hum from the sweet taste. You loved his reaction to sweets. It was always so cute and that’s why you just needed to get him hot chocolate. You always wanted to see that reaction each time you met just in case you never saw it again.

“You really are my best friend. Thank you”, Hyunjin patted your head and watched as you drank some of your hot chocolate. He laughed when there was a little whipped cream left on your upper lip.

“You have got to be doing this on purpose. It happens each time”, the truth was you definitely did it on purpose. Every touch from Hyunjin was precious now. It was the only touch you didn’t flinch from. The feeling of just his thumb rubbing the whipped cream off your lips was precious now.

“Maybe~”, you joked and giggled, holding Hyunjin’s hand again as you two walked out of the café. You two happily sipped on your hot chocolates as you walked. You knew your boyfriend was coming to pick you up soon and you should probably let go of Hyunjin’s hand, but you just couldn’t. You couldn’t bring yourself to let go of your light because if you did then he might just flicker out.

“I knew it”, Hyunjin said after a little bit of walking in comfortable silence. You raised an eyebrow at him and turned your head to look at him.

“Knew what?”, you asked and Hyunjin looked into your eyes, noticing how they had tear stains around them. You looked down and saw that he had lifted your sleeve up all the way. You didn’t even notice since you were so deep in thought.

“He’s hurting you, isn’t he?”, Hyunjin took a deep breath as he looked at the deep cuts on your arms and bruises. You shook your head immediately.

“No no! I just got them when I fell the other day”, you lied straight through your teeth. Well, for the most part. You did get them from falling, but that fall was not an accident. Not by far.

“Y/n... the truth”, you still refused to tell him the truth even though you could tell he knew. He knew everything. He had.

“I promise it’s the truth”, you lied again and Hyunjin sighed. He rubbed his finger over one of the cuts and then lifted your arm to kiss it.

“Just... never hurt yourself by staying with someone like that. Never”, his heart hurt as he felt your pulse on your wrist speed up. You hadn’t been loved in so long and he knew it. You were hurting and he had no idea why you wouldn’t just tell him the truth.

“Goodbye Hyunjin...”, you whispered and sighed before you took his arm out of his grip and shoved your hands into your pockets as you walked towards where your boyfriend was parked. He had seen it all. You knew he did.

“You’re an idiot, you know?”, your boyfriend chuckled and shook his head in disbelief once you were inside the car.

“I told him I fell. Don’t worry about it”, you sighed and realized you made a mistake when your boyfriend gripped your jaw harshly and turned your head towards him.

“Did you just tell me to do something?”, you whimpered when he slapped you across the same cheek he had this morning. You knew it was definitely more than red now and likely bruised.

“I-I’m sorry. It won’t happen again”, you felt a tear go down your cheek and your boyfriend wiped it away with his thumb.

“Then stop crying like a pathetic bitch. Damn... I should’ve killed you when I said I was going to”, he shook his head and started the car, pulling out of the parking spot and starting to drive towards his apartment.

You just held your bruised cheek and covered your mouth with your free hand, tears going down your cheeks as you tried to see Hyunjin. He was looking away from the car on his phone and you looked down to see your phone had a notification.

Tell me. Tell me you need help.

You read the message and kept quiet, wiping your tears away and trying to think of what to say. You just messaged him that you were fine and put your phone up. Eventually, you hoped, he would drop it and accept your lies as truth.

“Clean up the house and then I’ll give you your phone for an hour”, your boyfriend instructed once you got back to his apartment and you nodded, quickly getting to work on cleaning. Your boyfriend went through your phone as you did and you were thankful you had deleted Hyunjin’s message before he took it.

“You do realize he likes you, right?”, your boyfriend asked as you folded his laundry. You looked at him briefly before you continued working.

“Who?”, you asked back, not even caring in the slightest since you would never be able to love anyone else again.

“Hyunjin. It is quite obvious”, he answered back and you stopped what you were doing, accidentally dropping one of the shirts in the wrong basket and you quickly picked it up and fixed it.

“How?”, you looked at him and he chuckled, walking over to you and gripping your jaw.

“I was kidding. No one could love you. You are obviously too desperate”, you should’ve seen that coming, but, somehow, his words made you think about it.

Does Hyunjin love me? Like I love him?

You pushed the thoughts out of your head once your boyfriend let go of your jaw and went back to lay on the bed. You let out a quiet sigh and continued cleaning.

Once you were done, you finally got your phone back and a moment alone. You did what you always did and facetimed Hyunjin. Just the sight of his face was enough to make the soreness in your body worth it.

“Y/n!”, he exclaimed, obviously excited to see you for some reason. You giggled and waved your hand at him as you laid on your bed.

“Hey Hyunjin, what are you so excited about?”, you asked curiously and he brought a big stuffie into the camera. You looked at the bear in awe.

“This! I won you it!”, he smiled and, somehow, you fell in love with him even more than you thought was possible.

It’s going to be the death of me, but I can’t live on like this. Surrounded by lies.

I love you Hwang Hyunjin.

“I love you Hwang Hyunjin”, you didn’t expect the words to come out as clear as they did. You knew your boyfriend heard those words. He heard everything, but you finally felt free. You spoke the truth for the first time in months.

“Y/n... I love you too. More than anything”, Hyunjin smiled softly on the screen and hearing him say those words somehow broke your heart more than heal it. Tears started to stream down your cheeks as your boyfriend slammed the door open and walked over to grab you.

Goodbye.  

You put your thumb on your palm and closed your fingers around it, hoping Hyunjin knew the symbol. It was the symbol for abuse.

You kicked and screamed as your boyfriend grabbed you and turned the call off. He threw your phone at the wall in anger and shoved you onto the ground, kicking your stomach over and over. You could feel the bruises forming and the pain spreading through your body, but, at the same time, all you could think about was Hyunjin’s words.

Y/n... I love you too. More than anything.

You smiled. Through the pain, you smiled.

“What are you fucking smiling about?!”, your boyfriend yelled and you finally had enough. You were free. Even if it would only be for your final moments of life.

“I’m loved! Unlike you! You will never be loved”, you retorted and the man looked shocked before he grabbed you by the hair.

I love you more Hyunjin.  

“What did you just say?”, the man looked down at you in anger and there was no way you were backing down now.

“You will never be loved. I never loved you. Fuck you”, you spit in his face and he wiped it away before picking you up and walking to the roof as you kicked at him and screamed. The building was always empty at this time and he knew that.

“I hope it was worth it dumb bitch”, he sighed once he got to the roof and put you on the ledge of the building. Only one tear went down your face. That tear was for Hyunjin. Only him.

He held you there tightly and, for a moment, you actually felt at peace. The wind blew into your hair and the sight of the city was beautiful with all its lights. The stars were only barely visible, but they were there. They were waiting to greet you once you left.

Maybe I’ll become a star. Maybe I can still look out for my love.

Hyunjin. I will miss you. I’m so sorry.

“Y/n!”, you thought the voice was just in your mind until your boyfriend briefly let you go to turn around. You tried to run away from him, but he grabbed you again. You looked at Hyunjin, his hair in a mess as he looked at you from the door. He looked back at you.

“Let her go”, he tried to rationalize with the man holding you and you shook your head at him.

“Leave Hyunjin. Live your life”, you smiled softly at him, reassuring him you were going to be okay.

“No. I can’t live without you”, your boyfriend scoffed at this and moved towards the ledge again.

“We will meet again. Just not in this life. Just be strong in this one without me”, you sniffled, holding back your tears as you were placed on the ledge again.

“I-I can’t. Please fight”, he moved slowly closer and you shook your head.

“I can’t Hyunjin. I don’t have any fight left”, you eventually let your boyfriend push you off. You weren’t really scared surprisingly as you started to fall. The wind felt nice against your back and you were free. Free of pain.

Well, you were at peace until you felt a pair of arms wrap around you. You opened your eyes to see Hyunjin’s face right in front of your’s and the building you were pushed off of in the background.

“No. No! Hyunjin no!”, you desperately cried out and he shushed you, kissing you passionately. You kissed him back as you could feel your bodies nearing the ground.

“I love you. Let’s be together through everything. Go together. You know I couldn’t live without you”, you did know that and you wrapped your arms around him too. Both of you were holding onto each other tightly and Hyunjin turned with his back facing the ground, hoping somehow he could save you. You knew it was hopeless though.

You were going to die in each other’s arms.

“Goodbye Hyunjin. I love you too. I’m so sorry”, you shoved your face in his chest and he stroked your hair.

“Shhh, it’s not goodbye”, he cooed before everything went black.

For this life, it is.

[elriel-oblivion]

Okay here's the thing.. I respect everyone's opinions and they can ship whoever they want but like... For Elucien and Gwynriel... I literally cannot even see how. I would gladly ship them if someone gave me a valid reason. Elain avoids talking or even being in the same room as Lucien, and Azriel had one polite conversation with Gwyn. Az is just nice to her. As nice as he would be to any female. Elriel has foreshadowing & chemistry- The roses painted on her drawer and the rose necklace...👀

Strongly agree with all of this!! My main problem with anything that's not elriel is that a lot of anti-elriel shippers completely ignore or erase Elain. With these ships, it's always what benefits Elain does or doesn't bring. It's so misogynistic, people just ignore everything she's mentioned about her own heart and how she doesn't want a mate or the bond, she doesn't care for it, but oh Lucien's had such a hard life, he deserves his mate!!!!!

😒😒😒

Surely he deserves someone who wants him as much as he wants them, no?

Non-elriel-endgame with the canon we currently have would mean Elain's choices are stripped once again since she'd have to give up/lose the love she actually wants in favour of one she doesn't want that's attached to some cultural concept that means zilch to her and her human heart. I mean, sure sjm could spin it so Elain catches feelings for Lucien and they end up happily mated. But then what is the point of having Elain constantly avoid him for three books? That's not even setting up for a good relationship bc every time they interact/meet, the communication just gets worse.

While I can honestly see the potential of gwynriel bc platonic interactions can later become romantic, I still don't ship it bc it doesn't feel right the way elriel does to me. I can def see gwynriel becoming a strong healthy friendship, but if it's endgame then Elain ends up with Lucien, whom she visibly shrinks from and has been avoiding since acowar. She doesn't feel seen by him at all - as much as I love Lucien and truly do want him to have his own HEA, we can't deny that he's really just pursuing (I use pursuing in the loosest way since he's very respectful about it 😅) Elain bc of the bond. If we take that away, there's nothing between them imo and he probably wouldn't give Elain more than a passing glance for her beauty and that's it bc she's not the type of girl he's into.

But people don't wanna think about how that makes Elain feel. This girl who previously felt seen by only one person - who then rejected her bc of that bond itself - and craves someone to see who she truly is, is being courted by someone who doesn't actually like her for her, but just the idea of what a relationship with her would entail. He's only trying bc of some divine belief she doesn't share. That must suck like hell. It's almost objectfying, the bond. And again, I don't blame Lucien at all, not even for trying bc it is something that's important to him and his culture, but it's not a mutual thing. If it were important to Elain too and she just wasn't cooperating bc of some stupid shallow reason, then I'd be angry at her. But that's not the case at all.

But with Azriel, the first person to see her since Graysen, there's so much potential for growth - for both of them. They make each other feel seen. And for all that antis say neither has grown in the time they've known each other, how did Az pluck up the courage to almost kiss Elain after having not done anything with Mor for five centuries? How did Elain initiate that kiss - ie have the courage to follow her heart again after having it torn and shredded by Graysen? And anyway, weve never seen into Elain's head so we don't know what she feels has changed within her; we can only detect subtle changes from other povs, but there might be some huge changes in her learnt from Azriel, maybe about her outlook on life/strength, that she's just keeping hidden for the time (or that no one has bothered to see bc Elain is invisible 😭). Same with Azriel. One little chapter isn't gonna tell us everything he's been thinking the past two years.

But either way, we know now that they both have feelings for each other. Why is a mutual healthy relationship shut down so quickly, one where both partners' choices are taken heed of? If Elain had said no in that moment, Azriel would've stepped back instantly, no questions asked. He probably would've have some huge internal conflict about his own self worth but he wouldn't have gone further without Elain's consent. He's already shown he respects her, he said they've been sharing looks and touches, and these are things fandom eat up, so I don't understand why it's suddenly wrong or unwanted just bc Elain makes up half the ship.

And there's so much foreshadowing/symbolism that antis seem oblivious to, which, fair enough, interpret the text how you want. But even if somebody doesn't see the spark or blooming feelings between the pair throughout the books (how do they explain away all the stiffness whenever one of them is mentioned or is in the same room or something though? Genuinely curious here), there's a lot of plot foreshadowing. The Blood Duel has now been mentioned twice, as has the idea of breaking the bond, maybe more. There's the issue with Koschei and Elain not being able to see things related to him past mist and shadow. There's all this potential conflict that could arise between the Courts if elriel pursue their love, and conflict is the driving force of any novel.

If gwynriel were an IRL couple, I wouldn't care if there were never any conflict, but if I'm reading their story, I want more than just them falling in love and having internal conflict about whether they should kiss the other or not. Especially if the backdrop is a fantasy world on the brink of war with many players. I saw a gwynriel post mentioning Merrill once and while I do think she has the potential to be a running antagonist, I don't see her as anything but a subplot/crony for/associate with another stronger villain. I don't think she could carry a whole novel at the moment. So Gwyn is tied to nothing in the overarching plot. Same with Az. Not to mention all the theories about the Koschei/Swan Lake/firebird folklore that is potentially inspiring this new series in the acotar world. Of course, this could all change as we get more info about the next book/s and all, but compared to elriel certainly, I don't think there's as much conflict with gwynriel.

Ultimately, I don't claim knowledge of the next books' content, so I don't really care what people ship, but the main thing I take issue with is how they treat Elain in the midst. A lot of gwynriel arguments I've seen portray certain acts in a romantic/positive light for Gwyn but either completely ignore or erase any semblance of romance for Elain or tear her down. Like, we shouldn't push the narrative that Gwyn as an SA survivor can't have healthy meaningful sex in the future (yeah, of course I agree), yet some of the same people who say that are also people who judge and make fun of Elain and call her too vanilla for Az without having a clue what her bedroom habits/preferences are 🤯 This is just one of many. There are so many double standards I've seen for gwynriel against elriel and I'm just tired of it. And even if they're not doing any of that, they simply hate Elain and don't want her to be with Az and so ship gwynriel as the next best alternative. Like, can they not push down Elain in favour of Gwyn, please? That's so misogynistic 🤮

For all that this fandom flaunts the series being feminist with strong female characters, they sure do a good job in tearing down females who don't fit their definition of strong, despite even Feyre stating and acknowledging multiple times that Elain has a different kind of strength 😒

Gahhhhhhh. *exhales deeeeeeeeply* Sorry this is so damn LONG!! 😅😅😅😅😅 I did not expect to write a whole bloody essay lol but I hope it was fun/comforting to read at least 😅😆 I know I fall back on elriel posts when the ship war gets too intense bc I actually enjoy shipping elriel. They've become my otp, and I absolutely adore both characters of the ship; I think most of us elriels do. I haven't really seen any elriel stans who dislike/don't care for Elain and her welfare so it's nice being in this corner of the fandom where we can appreciate both Az and Elain equally. And of course, the other characters with their due respect. I truly do want Lucien to finally get his good life, but I don't think that's with Elain 😕

[vs-redemption]

Tis i 🐱 anon I’ve been Mia for a bit lol. But I had the idea of Dabi with an assassin reader that was either 1) recruited into LOV or (2) was sent to kill Dabi but fell in love etc. whenever you can pls ily thank you ❤️

From Cindy:  🐱 anon! I love you ♥♥ And I missed seeing you in my inbox. I’m sorry it took me a bit to get to this request. I’ve been busy due to the holidays. My sister stayed at my house for a few days and we watched the entire first three seasons of Haikuu. lol Now she’s obsessed too *evil laughter* Anyway, I really hope you like how this came out. It might take a turn you don’t expect.

Bullseye (Dabi x Assassin!Reader)

The name of the extraordinary ability you had been born with was documented on the government’s official quirk registry list as “true aim.” It was a simple, yet accurate title for the power which allowed you to hit any target with pinpoint accuracy. No matter what, you never missed the spot you were aiming for as long as you had a clear path. The only drawback was that you had to be within twenty feet of the target. Anything further than that began to lose detail and required something greater than perfect 20/20 vision.

When your quirk had first manifested, you’d been pretty excited to think of all the creative ways and situations in which such a power could be used, even though the adults around you were quick to point out that most of your ideas would be considered illegal by the suffocating and suppressive laws enforced in your country. Such restricting rules had instantly rubbed you the wrong way, and that slight irritation had grown into full blown resentment by the time you’d graduated high school with the reputation of being a trouble maker. Your teachers and other authority figures never seemed to appreciate the way you dared to question the way things were, or that you constantly tested your boundaries by trying to get away with using your quirk in any given situation.

Your refusal to conform to rules made it difficult to get into a college or even hold a job. You even ended up getting banned from several bars and sports centers for having an unfair advantage against other people playing darts or other precision games. The discrimination drove you to look for the freedom and acceptance you craved in less respectable parts of your city. It was in some back alley pub where you’d met a crooked broker named Giran. He sympathized with your situation right away and convinced you that if people were going to villainize you no matter how you used your quirk, you might as well live up to the exaggerated and often times false accusations made against you.

The partnership began with small crimes, but grew more serious as time went by. However, it had still been quite a shock the first time Giran asked you to take care of a hit that had been put on some random scum bag who’d done some bad business with a different random scum bag. Your hesitation waned after seeing the reward money and you accepted the job. The power of your quirk in combination with the black market weapons you’d received from Giran made completing the task a piece of cake. You got a thrill from the easy money, and decided you’d take more jobs like that from then on. Reports of your assassinations spread until you’d earned the nick name “Bullseye” by the press. By the time Giran offered introduce you to a member of the League of Villains, you’d already made it onto the country’s most wanted list.

“Well, if it isn’t the infamous ‘Bullseye” everyone’s been talking about.” The moment your eyes landed on Dabi, you began questioning Giran’s judgement for the very first time since you’d met him. You didn’t like making assumptions about people based on appearance, but there was something about the fire villain’s presence that put you on edge right from the get-go.

“A pleasure to make your acquaintance,” you nod politely. “You must be Dabi.”

The recruitment process was a little tedious. Dabi asked a lot of personal questions about your goals and motivations which seemed weird coming from a guy who left piles of burnt corpses around the city. It wasn’t the questions themselves that gave you pause though, it was the taunting little comments he made at your answers, and the lazy smirks he gave you every now and then. There was something about the intense look in his half lidded blue eyes that got under your skin as well. It was like he was trying to rile you up. But even though you weren’t a diehard follower of Stain or anything like that, your skills as a killer allowed you to pass the interview, earning you a spot in the League of Villains.

The weird feelings you had about Dabi only increased as you spent more time with him on missions and at the hideout. The way his eyes lingered on you always gave you chills, and certain things he said lingered in your mind until you couldn’t focus on anything else. You tried your best to ignore him, but sometimes you lost your patience and ended up bickering with him about the stupidest things.

“Can you try to control your fire please?” You’d tell him irritably. “I can’t do my job if I can’t see where I’m aiming.”

“Sure thing, doll.” His answer just irked you more due to the mocking undertones in his voice.

“And do you really have to monologue for your victims every single time?” you snap. “You’re such a drama queen!”

“Oh, would you rather I focus all my attention on you?” the playful glint in his eyes does weird things to your heartrate and all your pent up feelings finally come to a boil. Keeping a cool head was important for you, especially as an assassin, but Dabi had gotten on your last nerve.

“I swear I’m going to actually murder you!” you say through clenched teeth. “Every time I look at your face I feel sick to my stomach. Your eyes and smirk invade my thoughts and drive me to distraction! You’re annoying comments make me feel like I’m actually on fire, and I really just want to punch you in the face.”

Dabi’s blue eyes go wide and he stays silent for a moment as your words sink in. Then, slowly, he’d make an expression you’d never seen grace his face before… an actual genuine smile.

“Wow,” he says while shaking his head. “Do you even hear yourself? You’re even more emotionally constipated than I am.”

“What do you mean by that?” you ask and the way his gaze softens threatens to trigger your fight or flight response.

“Do you want to punch me?” He asks seriously, “Or do you want to kiss me?”

“What?” of course the mere suggestion sounds ludicrous for a moment, but suddenly your thoughts shift and everything clicks into place. His eyes and smirk didn’t give you a stomachache, it gave you butterflies. And your reaction to his teasing comments wasn’t real rage at all, you were just flustered. All the pieces meshed together and formed a conclusion in your head. “I have a crush on you.”

“Oh?” He was surprised that you’d make such a bold statement after misreading your own feelings for so long.

“And yeah,” you say with a weird amount of resolution, “I think I do want to kiss you.”

A victorious look blooms in Dabi’s eyes and that obnoxious smirk spreads across his face. He opens his arms and beckons you to come towards him. “Well, come on then doll,” he coos. “Don’t keep me waiting.” You let out a sigh and narrow your eyes at him.

“But I think I’m still going to punch you first.”

[knuffled]

just practice - chapter eleven

ao3 link

Ambrosia was Annabeth’s favorite coffee shop in the city. It was a quaint affair, tucked behind an alleyway, cozily decorated with clusters of polished cherry wood tables surrounded by plush purple chairs. There weren’t many drinks on the menu, but what the cafe lacked in quantity, it more than made up for with quality. Although she wasn’t a coffee connoisseur or anything, Annabeth could easily tell the coffee at Ambrosia tasted far richer than anything at Starbucks.

Annabeth drummed her fingers on her window-side table and twirled a strand of hair around her index finger, trying not to feel too nervous as she sipped her espresso. Inviting Reyna out for coffee so she could get relationship advice after turning her down a month prior was quite possibly one of the worst ideas she’d ever had. The thing was, she had no other options. All her friends were also friends with Percy, which made confiding in them impossible. She could only imagine the ensuing chaos if she were to come out and say that she had only pretending to go out with Percy.

Still, that didn’t make her feel any better about her current situation. In fact, Annabeth was nearly on the verge of sending her a text to cancel the whole thing under the pretense of not feeling well when Reyna walked into the cafe. She looked around until she spotted Annabeth and made her way over to the table, a dark look on her face.

“You sure picked an absolute bitch of a place to find,” Reyna said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Google Maps had a fucking aneurysm trying to give me directions.”

“Nice to see you again too,” Annabeth said, smiling despite herself.

Reyna rolled her eyes and plopped down in the seat opposite her. “This better be the best goddamn coffee I’ve had in my entire life,” she grumbled.

Annabeth slid her a menu and tried not to laugh at the disgruntled look that spread across Reyna’s face as she surveyed the prices. Annabeth raised her palms up in surrender when Reyna looked at her with an immaculately raised eyebrow.

“It’s worth it, I swear!” Annabeth promised.

Reyna pursed her lips and nodded in a clipped fashion before studying the menu again. After a few seconds, Reyna set the menu aside with a sigh and looked at Annabeth again, a tired look on her face.

“I have no idea what to get,” Reyna muttered. “What’s good here?”

Annabeth shrugged and said, “Pretty much everything. I really like their espressos, but their cappuccinos are great too.”

Reyna pulled a face before mumbling under her breath, “Hazelnut latte it is then.”

“Funny, I would have pegged you for a ‘black coffee’ kind of girl,” Annabeth said, grinning.

For the first since she’d met her, Reyna blushed and twirled a strand of dark hair around her finger, refusing to meet Annabeth’s eyes.

“I’m just bad with bitter stuff,” Reyna muttered.

“I had no idea your tastes were so basic,” Annabeth teased.

Reyna scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest. “I am not basic.”

Hearing Reyna sound genuinely offended by the implication only made delighted Annabeth instead of deterring her.

“Uh huh, sure,” Annabeth drawled.

Reyna narrowed her eyes and said, “You’re on thin fucking ice, Chase.”

Annabeth held her palms up in surrender and tried to suppress the grin threatening to split across her face.

“Ok, sorry, I’ll stop,” Annabeth said. “Go treat yourself to a hazelnut latte.”

The glare Reyna gave her before she made her way to the front counter to order could have withered flowers with its intensity. Annabeth allowed herself to smile once Reyna left the table and noticed she felt significantly calmer than she had before Reyna’s arrival. Thankfully, it seemed that things weren’t awkward between them, despite the fact that she had rejected Reyna last time they’d spoken.

When Reyna returned with her drink, Annabeth watched with avid interest as she blew into the lid of the cup and took her hesitant sip. Her eyes widened in surprise momentarily before returning to normal, but it only made Annabeth’s smirk grow larger.

“So how’s your drink?” Annabeth asked innocently.

Reyna cleared her throat and said, “It’s passable.”

Annabeth raised an eyebrow. “That’s high praise.”

Reyna’s lips quirked upwards in a smile. “Don’t be such an ass. It’s good, okay?”

“Worth the drive?”

“Hardly,” Reyna said, snorting.

“That’s a win in my book,” Annabeth said, shrugging.

Reyna scoffed and took another sip before saying, “So why did you call me out here today? I assume it wasn’t just to make fun of my choice of beverages.”

“Tempting but unfortunately not the case,” Annabeth said. “I wanted your advice on something.”

“About tall, dark, and handsome, you mean?”

Annabeth blinked. “What?”

Reyna rolled her eyes. “I’m talking about your ‘friend’, Percy.”

“Oh,” Annabeth said stupidly. “I uh- I just wasn’t expecting you to refer to him that way.”

“I may be gay, but I have eyes,” Reyna said, giving her a significant look.

Annabeth laughed despite herself. “Yeah, you’re right. I wanted to ask about Percy.”

“It’s kind of a dick move to ask someone you turned down for romantic advice,” Reyna noted.

“Sorry,” Annabeth said, looking down at her lap. “It’s just not something I can talk about with my other friends.”

“It’s whatever,” Reyna said, shrugging. “Besides, I can’t help respecting that you had the audacity to ask me anyways, so kudos to you. Now tell me what’s going on.”

Annabeth began telling Reyna everything that had happened since the school year began, starting with Clarisse’s comment and the fake dating proposal to Percy’s sudden penchant for speaking in riddles to the Kara incident to what Percy had said as they descended Aspen Peak and finally her conversation with Sally after Thanksgiving. It took her a little over a half hour to explain everything, which was longer than Annabeth had been expecting, but Reyna listened intently the entire time. On occasion, she would ask a clarifying question, but for the most part she was content to listen silently.

When Annabeth was done, Reyna said, “Well, I think I get the gist of the situation now. I’m just not sure what you need advice about.”

“I want to figure out what’s going on with Percy. I’ve given him enough time and space to come forward and talk to me on his own, but it’s clear that he’s not going to do that. Usually, I’d be fine with that, but I can’t help feeling like there’s something going on here, something I can’t just ignore,” Annabeth said.

Reyna snorted. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious that he’s just being emotionally constipated about his feelings like men always are when it comes to displaying anything more than the emotional range of a teaspoon.”

Annabeth shook her head. “Percy isn’t like that.”

Reyna raised an eyebrow and said, “No offense, but I find that hard to believe. Judging from your story just now, he is exactly like that.”

“Percy has no problem talking about emotions,” Annabeth argued. “Trust me, I’d know.”

“Talking about other people’s emotions maybe, sure, but not when it comes to himself.”

Reyna’s statement gave Annabeth momentary pause. Although her immediate instinct was to argue with her, the more she thought about it, the more Annabeth found herself wondering how she had never picked up on that. Even though so many of their conversations strayed into their personal feelings, it had only just dawned on Annabeth how the overwhelming majority of those conversations tended to be about her own feelings, not Percy’s.

Of course, that wasn’t to say Percy never shared how he was feeling. Their conversation atop Aspen Peak and the conversation where he told her that he had gotten recruited by USC were examples of that. However, there were still clearly some things that Percy just never really talked to her about. An obvious example being how she knew practically nothing about any of his previous relationships.

It was difficult to tell but she could detect that there was a pattern of Percy deliberately hiding things from her if they were painful for him to talk about. Yet, Annabeth had never gotten the impression that those repressed feelings would someday inevitably explode out of him, demanding to be released. Whenever she bottled her own feelings, despite her best efforts, they were destined to burst at some point, only ever prolonging the inevitable, but in Percy’s case, it was like they were swallowed by a black hole, leaving no evidence of their existence.

“I can’t believe I never noticed,” Annabeth whispered.

Reyna shrugged and said, “Don’t blame yourself. Men are just like that.”

Annabeth shook her head. “Percy’s different. It’s not like he’s so out of touch with his own feelings that he can’t talk about them. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s not like what you’re thinking.”

“Maybe you’re just giving him too much credit,” Reyna said lightly.

Annabeth bristled despite herself. “What’s your deal with him? You haven’t liked him since you met him and you don’t even know a single thing about him.”

Reyna was quiet for a while before she said, “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain, but when I look at him, all I see is a fake.”

“A fake?”

“He reeks of lies. Lies about how he feels, what he thinks, what he wants. I’ll take your word about him being a good person or whatever, but that doesn’t change anything in my eyes. I can’t trust someone who is constantly pretending to be someone else,” Reyna said.

Annabeth crossed her arms over her chest. “That seems like a huge stretch to me. Like I said, you barely know-”

Reyna held up a hand, stopping her. “I can tell. I can’t explain why, but I just know. I’ve been able to since I was a kid, and I have never been wrong.”

Annabeth paused and considered her words for a moment. It was certainly believable that Reyna could be someone with incredibly good instincts, but at the same time, Annabeth couldn’t accept that she was making judgments about her best friend without knowing a single thing about him. Yet, for whatever reason, Annabeth couldn’t bring herself to immediately reject what Reyna had said. There was something about the conviction in her voice and eyes that gave her pause.

“Was there something you noticed? Something you saw him do that made you think about him like this?” Annabeth asked.

Reyna thought for a moment before sighing. “It’s not like there was a specific thing about him that made me realize. It’s like his overall vibe.”

“His vibe?” Annabeth said, trying not to sound skeptical.

“Let’s just say, I’ve met men like that before. Men who look kind on the outside, but are monsters on the inside. It’s hard for me to not feel hostile towards them,” Reyna said tersely.

Annabeth couldn’t help immediately repeating: “Percy’s not like that.”

“I hope he isn’t,” Reyna said simply.

A silence filled the space around them, charging the air with a vague sense of unease, until Reyna sighed and spoke again.

“I’ll just say this: he might not be a monster, but he is still pretending to be someone he’s not. If I were you, I would do well not to forget that.”

:::

It was Piper’s fault. She had made it sound so wonderful when she had pitched the idea to Annabeth: ice skating on the night of New Year’s Eve. Even a cynic like Annabeth couldn’t deny that there was an inherent romantic appeal to that. Unfortunately, it just so happened that New Year’s Eve was the coldest day of the year. And, of course, the rink that Piper had chosen happened to be outdoors. That obviously went without saying.

Annabeth tried not to wallow in too much self-pity on the walk from her car to the chalet, but she couldn’t help indulging herself. After all, it was freezing outside. She buried her hands in her coat pockets and hid her nose behind her scarf to keep it from turning red, but the horrible faux-wool material felt like sandpaper against her skin. She fantasized about turning around and leaving before anyone noticed her and spending the night buried beneath a mound of blankets, but she arrived at the chalet before she could decide.

Unfortunately, the chalet would offer no reprieve. The first thing that assailed her was the heat - a dry, stuffy heat, the kind that made it hard to breathe. The second was the smell. The stench of sweat clung to the linoleum peeling off the walls, and the slight give of the vomit-colored carpet underfoot made it feel like it had seeped into the fabric too.

It was time to leave, Annabeth decided brightly, but Piper noticed her and waved her over before she could make her escape. Annabeth sighed and headed towards the benches where Piper was sitting and hoped she wouldn’t contract hepatitis from sitting down.

On her way there, she was somewhat late to arrive. Frank and Leo were at the front desk, renting their skates, and Piper and Jason had already finished lacing their skates. Jason offered her a small smile when she sat down across from them, but her lips were so chapped that they would probably start bleeding if she tried to smile so she settled for a nod.

“Someone looks grumpy.”

“Bite me.”

“Don’t antagonize her, Piper.”

Annabeth nodded and pointed to Jason. “Listen to your boyfriend. He seems to be the smart one.”

Piper rolled her eyes. “Rude.”

“I think I’m entitled to a little rudeness,” Annabeth said, sitting back. “I could be in bed right now, covered in blankets.”

“This might be our last New Year’s Eve together,” Piper said. “You really sure you want to spend it hiding in your bedroom?”

Annabeth hummed. “Remind me again how you chose this wonderful establishment?”

Piper had the decency to look sheepish. “It was the only place open on New Year’s Eve.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” Annabeth said.

“You should go get your skates, Annabeth,” Jason interrupted tactfully. “It looks like Frank and Leo are done.”

Annabeth stood up and sent an I’m-watching-you gesture in Piper’s direction, but Piper just opted to flick her off. Charming.

Thankfully, there was no one waiting at the front desk when Annabeth made her way there. The balding man behind the counter asked for her shoe size before disappearing behind the shelves, stocked to the brim with skates, and it didn’t take long for him to return with a pair of white skates and set them on the counter. Annabeth was in the process of fishing for spare change when the door to the chalet opened, letting in a gust of cold air.

Rachel stepped inside, her freckled cheeks pink from the cold, and waved to Annabeth enthusiastically with a grin. Percy stood behind her, rubbing his palms together to warm his hands, looking cold for once in his life. They both made their way up to the front desk as Annabeth tucked the skates under her arm.

Percy turned to her smiling while Rachel spoke with the store-owner. “Happy New Year.”

“It’s still New Year’s Eve.”

“Only for four more hours,” Percy said, shrugging.

Annabeth rolled her eyes. “Happy New Year’s Eve to you too.”

“You’re always so grumpy when you’re cold,” Percy said fondly. “Aren’t white people supposed to be good with the cold?”

“Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.”

Not a beat passed before Percy answered: “Boo, you whore.”

Annabeth bit back a laugh and pushed him towards the counter. “Alright, alright, you can terrorize me after you get your skates, you dork.”

Percy did his best seal-eyes impression, but Annabeth stuck out her tongue at him and followed Rachel back to the benches. Once they sat down, Rachel finished lacing her skates with practiced ease and watched Annabeth struggle with hers with avid interest. Annabeth wondered how long it would take for her to swallow her pride and ask Rachel for help, but Rachel volunteered before she could, crouching in front of her and deftly tying her skates in seconds.

“You’re good at that,” Annabeth said.

Rachel stood up and shrugged. “My parents forced me take figure skating lessons for like six years, so I have a lot of practice.”

“I think the last time I went skating was in like second grade,” Annabeth mused.

“Do you even remember how to skate?” Rachel asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I guess we’ll both find out very soon.”

“I could teach you, if you’d like,” Rachel offered.

Annabeth rolled her bottom lip between her teeth. “Thank you, but I think I can figure it out. I mean, how hard could it be?”

:::

It turned out to be plenty hard.

Annabeth managed all of three steps on the ice before falling backwards, arms flailing. Percy caught her before she hit the ground thankfully, his hand curled around her hip. Annabeth felt her face heat up when he raised an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at his lips, but he helped her upright without commenting on it. Unfortunately, it only took two more steps for her to slip again. He caught her by the arm before she fell any further and shook with barely suppressed laughter.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, asshole,” Annabeth grumbled.

“Weren’t you just telling Rachel something about how skating didn’t seem all that hard?” Percy asked innocently.

Annabeth bit the inside of her cheek. “I think you just have an overactive imagination.”

“First the cold, and now this,” Percy said solemnly. “Looks like your Scandinavian roots have failed you in more ways than one.”

“This is reverse-racism.”

That tore a laugh out him, but he quickly held his palms in surrender. “Sorry, sorry, just give me a minute.”

Annabeth flicked him off and retreated to the wall circling the rink to steady herself. She looked at the rink, hoping she wasn’t alone in her embarrassment, but it seemed like everyone else seemed to be faring much better than her. Frank was her only comrade in arms, arms stretched and teetering, a mortified look on his face, while Leo stood next to him, not even trying to hide his laughter. Hazel scowled and swatted him before going to help Frank maintain his balance. Rachel breezed around the rink with an effortless grace and fluidity, seemingly in her own world, while Piper and Jason held hands and made slow, leisurely circuits around the rink.

Percy moved towards her and said, “C’mon, I’ll help you.”

“Can’t I just go home?” Annabeth whined.

Percy’s lips quirked upwards. “It’s not that hard, trust me. It’s just like riding a bike.”

“Something tells me I’m just going to spend the next few hours falling on my ass and making a fool of myself.”

“I’ll catch you before you do,” Percy promised.

Annabeth crossed her arms over her chest. “And if I take you down with me?”

“I’m willing to risk it,” Percy said, shrugging.

Annabeth was silent for a while before she shut her eyes and sighed. “God, I hate you. Fine, let’s get this over with.”

Percy took her by the hands and helped her away from the wall. “That’s the spirit.”

Annabeth glared at him before lacing her fingers between his. She couldn’t help noticing how warm his hands were, but she didn’t have long to dwell on it because being back on the ice put the fear of god back in her real fast. Percy tried to help her make a lap around the rink, but it was a grueling journey. She spent most of it crushing his hands and teetering on the brink of embarrassment: legs outstretched, knees turned inwards, feeling like an absolute idiot. The concentration needed to maintain her footing was exhausting and demanded every ounce of focus she could muster. But, with Percy’s help, Annabeth managed three laps around the rink over the span of ninety minutes without falling a single time.

At the start of the fourth lap, Percy untangled his fingers from hers, striking a bolt of fear through her. Annabeth reached for him desperately, eyes wide with panic, but he caught her by the wrists and gave her a stern look.

“I’m going to let go of you now, okay?” Percy said. “I promise, I won’t let you fall.”

“I need more time,” Annabeth said frantically. “I-I’m not ready yet.”

“You can do this,” Percy said, firmly not unkindly. “Trust me.”

Annabeth licked her horribly chapped lips and nodded uneasily. The conviction in his words made her want to believe him, but it did nothing to dispel the terror inside her.

“Okay, here goes,” Percy said.

Annabeth bit the inside of her cheek and watched Percy slowly release her and step away. She stood there for a few seconds before Percy skated backwards, still facing towards her, and beckoned for her to follow him.

Her heart thundered in her chest. It was the moment of truth.

She took one step. Then another. Then another.

With her eyes locked on Percy, she used every atom in her body to keep herself steady. She kept waiting to fall as they slowly made their way around the rink, but she managed to somehow make it the halfway around without falling.

Annabeth looked up at him with an incredulous laugh. “Holy shit! I-I’m doing it! I’m actually doing it!”

A smile crossed Percy’s face, equal parts proud and fond, but Annabeth couldn’t help thinking it looked a bit sad too.

“You are,” Percy said softly. “I knew you could.”

“You have way too much faith in me,” Annabeth said, shaking her head. “It’s a miracle that I didn’t fall.”

“It’s not faith,” Percy said. “I just know you.”

Annabeth stilled for a moment and locked eyes with him. His words were light, like he had spoken them without thinking, but it made a lump form in her throat all the same.

“Yeah, yeah you do,” she said softly.

Before the moment had a chance to establish itself, Annabeth’s legs both decided it was an excellent time to give out. She only had time to emit a short yelp before she fell on her ass and Percy rushed in.

He helped her up with a laugh. “Okay, looks like someone needs a break.”

Annabeth’s face was beet red and it had nothing to do with the cold. “Uh, yeah, I think I’ll go to the chalet and sit down a bit.”

Percy nodded and moved to help her, but she shook her head. “I’ll be fine. You’ve been babysitting me this whole time, so go enjoy yourself.”

He paused for a moment before reluctantly nodding and skating away. Annabeth watched him go before making a beeline for the chalet. After nearly two hours of constant terror, even the stuffy, pungent air in the chalet was a welcome change. She took off her hat to let her hair loose, but some sweat-soaked strands lay matted against her forehead.

An overwhelming need to take a nap washed through her, and she was so tired that she didn’t bother resisting it.

It was hard to say how long she was asleep but she started when Jason sat down beside her, holding two styrofoam cups of hot chocolate. Annabeth accepted a cup from him and took a sip. It was so watery that she could hardly taste the chocolate, but at least it was hot going down her throat.

Annabeth wiped her lips with the back of her hand. “Where did you get this?”

“There’s a machine by the bathroom,” Jason said.

“Ah, that certainly explains things.”

Jason nudged her with his elbow. “I know you’re not thrilled to be here, but Piper really tried her best to get this whole thing together.”

Annabeth sighed and said, “Yeah, sorry, I’m just indulging in a little pettiness.”

“I know,” Jason said, smiling. “Just be aware of your limits.”

“I feel like you’re one step away from going full Dad and being like, ‘I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed’.”

Jason laughed and said, “I suppose I deserve that.”

There was a pause before Annabeth gave him a tentative look. “Is she mad at me?”

Jason shook his head. “Nah, she knows you well enough to know you don’t mean it.”

Annabeth cleared her throat and nodded before staring at her cup pensively. “How are you both doing?”

“We’re good,” he said, sighing. “Just trying to make the most out of the rest of the year. Piper’s really worried about leaving behind regrets, so she’s going a little overboard, but her heart is in the right place.”

“That’s a mood,” Annabeth said. “I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.”

“It’s hard not to,” Jason admitted. “I mean our lives are going to change pretty drastically in a few months, after all.”

There was a pause before Annabeth said, “That doesn’t ever scare you or anything, that things might not be the same?”

“I know they won’t be the same,” Jason said. “But the way I see it, if it’s inevitable anyways, there’s no point worrying about it. The only thing you can do is to enjoy things while they last.”

“That’s a very lonely way of looking at things,” Annabeth said quietly.

“You might be right, but I don’t want to waste the time I have left with Piper and you and everyone else being stressed and miserable,” Jason said, shrugging. “If the time we have left is limited, I want to choose to spend it being happy.”

She paused for a moment to stare at him. “Honestly, sometimes I can’t help feeling like you’re an eighty year old stuck in the body of an eighteen year old.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but thanks.”

Annabeth leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. “The idea that nothing lasts terrifies me.”

“I don’t know, there’s something strangely beautiful about it too,” Jason mused.

She gave him a sidelong glance. “In what way?”

Jason shrugged. “Things are precious to us because we can’t take them for granted. You have to pay attention and appreciate them while you can, or you’ll miss it and never have it back. I’m sure you’ve felt it too: those moments that you wish you could live in forever, even though you know it’s impossible, so you try your best to savor them and burn them into your memory so you don’t ever forget. There’s just a special kind of beauty about that. At least, that’s how I feel.”

Memories flashed in her mind with an almost desperate urgency, so quickly that she couldn’t register their contents, only the lingering impressions they left in their wake. The cold touch of steel beneath her palms lying on Percy’s car, staring up at the night sky, and the warmth of the sweatshirt he’d draped across her shoulders. Dappled sunlight filtered through half-drawn blinds, flour stuck in her hair, the smell of cookies baking in the oven, and the sound of laughter. The untraversable distance between his hand in hers, his heat searing through her skin ever so gently, and the lazy circuit of his thumb brushing her knuckles with a tenderness she didn’t deserve.

Annabeth couldn’t help thinking that “beautiful” was too small a word. The feeling was beautiful, yes, but the word alone could not capture the fact that it was also deep and gentle and tinged with melancholy, but all the more exquisite for it.

A lump formed in her throat. “I-I think I get what you mean.”

Jason offered her a soft smile and squeezed her hand. “There’s a phrase for that in Japanese, you know? They call it mono no aware: the bittersweet, wistful appreciation of the impermanence of things.”

There was a pause before Annabeth said tightly, “I’m glad there’s a word for it.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jason said, still smiling.

They sat there for a while in silence before Jason stood up and stretched. “We should probably back. They must be wondering where we are.”

Annabeth nodded but made no move to stand up. Jason looked at her for a while before sighing and showing her his wristwatch.

“It’s almost midnight,” he said. “C’mon, everyone’s waiting for us.”

That was enough to get her out of her seat, but she still couldn’t help sighing. She followed him back to the rink and noticed that they had it to themselves. Earlier, there had been a few other couples and families, but they must have left while she’d been asleep.

The light of the full moon reflected off the ice, casting a milky-silver glow. She stepped onto the ice with Jason and skated towards their friends. They were sitting down at the center of the rink and talking amongst themselves until they noticed her arrival.

“She’s alive!” Jason announced. “She was just sleeping.”

“Percy was worried sick about you,” Leo said, smirking.

Percy scowled and said, “I wasn’t that worried.”

“You kind of were,” Rachel said. “You should’ve seen him fretting like a mother hen.”

“I would apologize, but I can take care of myself,” Annabeth said, rolling her eyes.

“You were gone for like two hours, Annabeth,” Hazel said. “I don’t think it was that weird for him to worry.”

“Again, you guys are all exaggerating way too much,” Percy protested.

“You guys should sit down,” Frank said. “We can spread out a bit to make extra space.”

Once the circle expanded, Annabeth sat down between Percy and Rachel, and Jason sat close to Piper and wrapped an arm around her, tucking her into his side. Rachel continued a story that she must have been telling prior to Annabeth’s arrival, so she couldn’t follow it at all. She tried to listen for a few minutes before getting bored and turning to Percy.

“I know you’re protective of me and all, but don’t worry so much,” Annabeth whispered firmly.

Percy lowered his head and rubbed the back of his neck. “I know, but sometimes, I just can’t help it.

“You have to try,” Annabeth said. “What are you going to do when we leave for college?”

“I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

Annabeth sighed and said, “I’m not trying to be mean or anything. I’m just scared you’ll burn yourself out for no reason. We both know that I can handle things on my own.”

“That’s not the point,” Percy muttered.

“Then what is the point?” Annabeth asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t doubt your ability to take care of yourself,” Percy said slowly. “It’s just that I care about you, so I can’t help worrying.”

“I care about you too, but I can worry about you without feeling the need to step in and get involved.”

At this, Percy was silent, so Annabeth continued. “When you get involved, it kind of feels like you’re babying me.”

“I’m not trying to baby you,” Percy said, frowning.

“Then trust me to come to you when I need your help, okay?”

Percy paused for a moment before nodding hesitantly. “Okay.”

Annabeth offered a small smile. “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

The look on his face was inscrutable, but he nodded again all the same. Annabeth tapped a finger on the ice and rolled her bottom lip between her teeth. She’d said her piece. The rest was up to Percy now.

She had another reason for wanting him to understand this, although she hadn’t said so aloud. Percy’s worry and need to help her made it all too easy for her to rely on him too much. Sometimes, she had to catch herself before immediately going to him anytime she had even a trivial problem. It hadn’t always been that way, but over the years, she had come to depend on him far too much. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that, apart from Percy, she didn’t have any experience relying on anyone else but herself, so she had no concept of moderation when it came to depending on him.

She didn’t know how to let someone in halfway. It had always been all or nothing.

“There’s only two minutes left till midnight,” Frank said, looking at his watch.

“We should try to find a stream of the ball drop,” Hazel suggested.

“Already on it,” Leo said, typing furiously on his phone.

Once he found a stream, Leo turned the volume up on his phone and slid it to the center of the ring. His phone was old, so the volume was feeble but it was still audible for the most part. Anderson Cooper was talking to some celebrity or other about how excited the crowd was in Times Square and pointed out how there seemed to be more couples in attendance this year compared to other ones.

“Aw man, that’s right,” Leo complained. “Now, there’s another couple I gotta see kiss on New Year’s Eve.”

Hazel pulled a face. “Don’t ruin things for Annabeth and Percy, Leo.”

“Yeah, Leo, fuck off,” Piper said, flipping him off.

At first, Annabeth didn’t know what they were talking about, but then she immediately looked down at her lap, her face burning.

That was right, the New Year’s kiss was a thing. She’d totally forgotten about that.

Discreetly, she looked at Percy out of the corner of her eye, wondering if he was going to kiss her or not. After all, it would look kind of strange if they didn’t, considering they were supposed to be a couple now. Annabeth was certain their friends would notice and comment about it.

He was staring off in the distance with a clenched jaw, shifting uneasily beside her, which only made her growing anxiety worsen. She picked at the fraying wool on her peacoat and wished they had some time to at least discuss a plan of action, but there was only thirty seconds before the ball drop.

For the last ten seconds, they all chanted along with the crowd, but Annabeth could barely make a sound.

 10.

 9.

 8.

Percy shifted again.

 7.

 6.

Annabeth could feel his eyes on her, so she looked up at him.

 5.

 4.

Percy moved closer to her, blocking out the full moon. It cast a silver halo around his head, reflecting off his obsidian hair and bathing him in an ethereal glow.

 3.

Her throat was bone dry.

 2.

She barely registered the conflicted gleam in his eyes as he leaned in to her or the featherlike touch of his fingers, tilting her chin upwards.

 1.

Annabeth felt his breath on her face and the scent of his cologne. She closed her eyes and tried to ignore the thundering of her heart pounding in her chest, parting her lips.

 0.

Distantly, she could hear her friends yelling “Happy New Year” but her entire world was reduced down to a singularity. She waited, her heart stuck in her throat.

Christ, her lips were so chapped.

Then she felt the brush of his lips, but not against her own like she’d expected. By the time she noticed the lingering warmth on her cheek, Percy was already pulling away. She opened her eyes and caught the look in his eyes. The emotion shining in them was too complicated for her to describe in words, but she couldn’t help thinking that he looked almost tortured.

“Happy New Year,” Percy whispered, voice raw.

Annabeth blinked and cleared her throat. “Um, yeah, Happy New Year.”

The conflicted look on his face didn’t disappear until Hazel gave him a one-armed hug and wished him a happy new year. Annabeth couldn’t dwell on it for long either before Rachel tackled her in a hug and wished her as well. The carousel of wishing each of her friends was oddly annoying even though it shouldn’t have been. A single emotion burned in the pit of her stomach, predominating her field of awareness, but it only served to bewilder her. She tried stealing looks at Percy in the hope that it would offer some insight, but the more she looked to him, the more intensely it gnawed at her.

Moonlit snowflakes fell through the dark as Annabeth struggled to make sense of the overwhelmingly empty feeling in the hollow of her chest and why it felt so much like disappointment.

[shuatoyou]

hello!! can i request a fake dating f2l au with joshua w a bit of jealous joshua and mainly fluff with a teeny bit of angst thanku!

here’s the long awaited request anon! thank you for this i hope you enjoy reading as much as i enjoyed writing.

fluff with some angst i think?

joshua x reader 

wc; 1,896

“y/n are you bringing a date to the wedding?” your mom curiously asks while you observe the dress you had on in the mirror in front of you. the question makes you turn around to face her.

“um no?” you hesitate and your response makes her look up at you.

“bring your boyfriend sweetheart.” she smiles diverting her attention to the dress you had on. “that joshua kid, he’s your boyfriend right?”

“yeah! o-of course” you stammer on your words hoping your mom would take no notice and turn around on your heals swiftly facing the mirror watching your reflection panic.

you and joshua were not dating in fact you doubted he would have any feelings for you whatsoever seeing as you were best friends, however he was a regular plus one to the family events because of them constantly getting on your case about dating and it would be embarrassing for them if their only daughter kept attending these events alone after all they boasted about your social life. so joshua continuously offered to attend alongside you and pretend to be your lover which was a role he played successfully to your luck.

you walked out of the dress store shortly parting ways with your mother to go back to your home with the new dress for the upcoming occasion.

you walk in to your humble abode dropping all your bags down beside the sofa and letting yourself fall onto the soft seat. truthfully you dreaded asking joshua to go to this wedding with you as your date mainly due to the fact you had some unrequited feelings you’d recently develo=ped towards the other but you knew it would be even more awkward asking someone else from your friendship circle so he was the only answer at the end of the day.

picking up your phone you dial joshua’s number startling once you hear his soft voice come through. 

“hey y/n whats up?” joshua asks cheerfully making you close your eyes tightly at the tone of voice that always gave you butterflies.

“nothing much, i was just wondering if you were free this weekend?” you ask him as confidently as you can.

“are you asking me on a date?” at this point you knew he was smirking as he asked that.

“no but i do need someone to go with me to my cousins wedding this saturday. you’re being weird though maybe i’ll ask jeonghan instead” you somewhat tease knowing the boy will object.

“you better not, of course i will be there as your date” he emphasises on the date and you can feel a blush creeping up to your cheeks

“yes you will. my dress is light blue” you state nonchalantly notifying the boy.

“bet you’ll look great, i’ll find a tie to match.”

his sudden compliment catches you completely off guard and its evident as you barely manage to let out a small ‘okay’ a few seconds late causing joshua to chuckle over on his end knowing he had this effect on you.

“bye y/n” he exclaimed before abruptly hanging up. 

you groan into a pillow frustrated wondering how you would get through the weekend, the answer should be like all the other times but you felt nervous nevertheless.

joshua eyed you intently watching you walk over to him with your dress flowing all princess like around you and every little detail such as the colour and the fitting of the stunning material complementing all your features.

“hi” you both breathed out at the same time making eachother giggle in unison.

“you look amazing” joshua smiles opening the door to his car on the passenger side, a gentlemanly courtesy from the one and only gentleman. you blush getting into the car ready to return a compliment to him as he gets in to the driver seat to drive you both to the venue, however nothing leaves your mouth. perhaps it was the nerves.

the drive is filled with joshua talking about his week with you commenting here and there whilst trying to avoid glancing over at him, nodding your head to the music playing quietly from the radio.

thankfully the journey wasn’t longer than twenty minute, at the hall you step out of the car only to be greeted with joshua offering you his arm which you shyly accepted either way as you walked in and began greeting your family with joshua beside you attracting stares left and right.

“y/n sweetheart!” your mother rushes up to you giving you a hug which made you untwine your arm from joshua’s to return it.

“i see you brought your handsome boyfriend” she winks causing joshua to widen his eyes and laugh at the suddenness of her compliment. you glanced up to him to see his cheeks flushed which you found endearing to say the least.

“you guys are sitting over there” she points over to a table a few steps away. “whenever you’re ready come join us” the last words are spoken and soon enough your mother is gone to deal with other business.

joshua turns to you, instinctively you turn around to face him.

“should we go sit down now?” he speaks out watching your gaze soften as you listened to him speak.

you nod so he reaches to hold your hand and leads the way to the table, the sudden action shocked you so you stopped at a halt making joshua stop with you.

“is something wrong?” he asks eyes showing worry.

“no... just- you’ve never done that before” you mutter looking down at your intertwined hands.

“sure i have, but i’m especially your date for tonight so i think i have the privilege to hold your hand even more.” he winks before continuing the way to the table and even pulling out your chair for you to sit making the adults at the table coo at his gentlemanliness.

the entire night joshua spent talking to you, making you laugh here and there at the little jokes he would throw in, hearts doing backflips unknown to one and other but you couldn’t help enjoy the company.

he left momentarily for the bathroom leaving you alone until another figure approached you tapping your shoulder to gain your attention you respond by turning around to see your childhood friend who you immediately stood up to greet the individual.

“seungcheol? it’s been a while!” you exclaim, eyes widening trying to adjust to the new appearance of your long time friend before pulling him into a hug.

“yeah we’ve both changed a bit clearly.” he chuckles looking down at his own suit once pulled away.

“sit, im sure my parents would love to see you again!” you speak out pointing towards the nearest chair as you sit down on your own.

joshua returned to see you in deep conversation with the boy unknown to him the pang of jealousy hit hard causing him to frown at the male at the center of your attention making you laugh like he was earlier. silently he approached taking a seat in the next vacant chair as his previous one was now occupied by the stranger.

it wasn’t long before you to noticed joshua’s presence and you wasted no time introducing the two to each other.

“joshua this is seungcheol, we grew up together and seungcheol this is my date joshua” you introduce the two boys to each other both of them passing on friendly smiles before turning their attention back to you.

“oh are you guys dating?” seungcheol asks genuinely curious.

you stutter unable to answer the sudden question however joshua speaks up anyways. “yeah we are” he reaches to hold your hand repeating the action that turned you into a flustered mess but you nod anyways going along with him.

“im happy for you y/n! i hope you both last a long time” 

seungcheol’s words had more of an effect on you two than expected and it was the same for joshua who you felt squeeze your hand gently.

“anyways, i’m going now but i’ll see you around?” seungcheol gives you both a little wave and you nod in return before watching him walk off. you turn around to joshua straight away only for the boy to let go of your hand and more immersed in a glass of wine.

“you’re gone red” you poke at his cheek snickering ever so slightly making joshua put down his treasured glass to look at you with a blank expression before turning away again. you huff getting up hoping for a slight change of expression from the boy but to your dismay - nothing.

a slow tune started playing and you glanced around to see guests getting up to join the slow dance at the centre of the hall. you sit back down only for joshua to get up this time and hold out his hand to you. puzzled, you give him a questioning look.

“dance with me” he mumbles and you dont waste anymore time giving into dancing with him despite your heart racing like crazy.

to be honest you could barely concentrate on dancing with joshuas hands resting on your waist with yours around his neck. his touch felt like fire and you couldn’t help but feel warm inside despite your nerves now skyrocketing.

“you haven’t given me much attention tonight” joshua spoke with a low tone down into your ear as you both swayed to the gentle music.

“w-what do you mean” you pull back slightly to see his face better but regret it almost immediately realising how close in proximity your faces were.

“i thought it was obvious.” he chuckled and you could feel your heart racing at a dangerous number of miles per minute. sure you were a little bit oblivious but you were scared of misunderstanding his words so you stayed silent not breaking eye contact waiting for him to continue which he did.

“i like you y/n” he muttered once again into your ear, you felt his breath fan your neck sending shivers down your spine and your cheeks burning. the fact that your feelings were not so unrequited brought a lot of shock to you but you couldn’t help the smile now taking over your expression out of happiness.

joshua examines your face searching for an kind of indication you were okay with his confession before setting his gaze onto your rosy lips. you dont hesitate before reaching up to connect your lips that went together perfectly.

the both of you pull away first aware of your surroundings and it wasnt long till both of you were betrayed by the visible blush forming.

the song finally came to a halt and joshua led you outside where it was quieter.

“so what do you say? we should date for real now right?” he’s close to you again and hoping you cant hear the pace of his heart.

“not how i expected to be asked out at someone elses wedding but yes dummy we should” you laugh out lifting up your hand to push back his hair messing it up as joshua’s arms find their way around your waist again pulling you closer to him.

“good” he whispers connecting your lips once again both of you smiling into the kiss feeling pure bliss and completely content with the events of the night.

[thetwoplayergays]

During quarantine, my dad and I have been taking long drives and visiting some of the nearby forest-y places, how do the RFA and MC spend their time together?

Speaking of, I hope everyone out there is having a safe quarantine, including you anon (ɔ◔‿◔)ɔ ♥ I hope this satisfies what you had in mind! I had to write it twice cause I deleted the first draft...

RFA during quarantine

Yoosung 

His first instinct when he thinks about being stuck inside for the next few months isn’t how he’ll be spending it with you...

No, instead his first instinct is to turn on the computer

LOLOL ALL DAY EVERY DAY BABYYYY

Of course, with the increase in players and traffic to the site, the game appeared to be getting a lot more maintanance than it usually would, which annoyed the blonde boy.

“I’m meant to be doing a raid today MC! What am I doing to do now....”

“...Well for one you could do something with me?”

“Oh yeah!”

After finally tearing him away from his computer, the two of you decide to be productive during this time and learn a couple new skills!

First week: Cooking.

Of course, it would be easier to learn about such a thing if the supplies in the shops weren’t extremely limited, causing you both to have to make up substitutes as you went along.

You almost burnt the kitchen down twice in one week

You gave up with cooking after that

It wasn’t entirely a bad thing, you even got Yoosung to invest some of his time into your favourite games, which to your pleasant surprise he seemed to genuingly enjoy!

A few weeks in, he found an old guitar from high school in storage.

Worst. Discovery. Ever.

“Yoosung no...”

“YOOSUNG YES”

The next few days were filled with the sound of out-of-tune plucked strings overlapping the various youtube videos Yoosung was ‘learning’ from.

“Hey MC, I think I can finally play Hey There Delilah!”

“That’s wonderful honey...”

Zen

This man was SO EXCITED to spend lockdown with you and immediately started to plan all the wonderful things you two were going to do together.

The beast certainly had a few ideas as well

It was domestic bliss for you two

You couldn’t get your hands off of eachother for even a minute

You did everything together - eating, sleeping, showering etc.

The RFA commented on how suffocating it was, but neither of you seemed to mind.

It only solidified the knowledge that you two were destined to spend the rest of your life together.

A few times, Zen had caught himself almost calling you his wife, causing him to immediately hide his face away from you in fear of you commenting on his sudden blush.

There was a downside however. 

Zen’s routine was in shambles

Products were sold out left right and centre, food shopping was even worse, it was driving him crazy.

You found yourself having to remind him that a break in his rountine wasn’t going to be the end of the world and that you loved him regardless, even if he got a pimple or two.

Don’t even go there MC

You found yourselves cooking together more often too, showing Zen how to prepare more meals that were normally out of his diet range.

Of course, it wasn’t like he could resist your cooking anyway.

Whenever you two got a little too stir crazy, he would take you on motorbike rides through the city, more often than not resulting in you two at the top of a mountain stargazing.

It turned into a weekly tradition, one which you both promised to keep up even after quarantine.

Jaehee

You would think that the lockdown would give Jaehee the break she so desperately needed, right?

You would be wrong.

With the cafe closed, this girl threw herself into her work just for something to do

Much to your dismay.

It took a lot of persuading for her to get up from the computer and spend time with you during the initial first few weeks, but it was definitely worth it.

This girl was also extremely prepared to the lockdown before it was even announced.

Sanitiser? Got it, she had spare incase the cafe ran out

Masks? No problem. She had many still in storage from the days she would force herself into work even whilst sick

Again, much to your dismay

You suggested that instead of doing mindless work on her computer that she could help you with a different project you had in mind.

“A project? Whatever could we do in a time like this?”

Redesigning the cafe!

It was something the two of you had talked about many times before quarantine, but had never gotten round to going through with it.

You both took it upon yourself to fill your day with physical and mental labour, pushing around furniture, painting the walls, coming up with new bakes and sales to draw the customers in etc.

It was hard, but it was so worth it.

During the evenings, you two would bundle up together on your sofa and pick a set of movies to watch before bed.

One of you always fell asleep before the end- not that either of you would mind.

Jumin

Out of all of the RFA, he was definitely the closest to breaking the social distancing rule

The idea of not seeing you- touching you- for an unknown amount of time was driving him crazy.

Mr We-shouldn’t-move-in-together-until-marriage was certainly about to rip that view right out of his head just for the chance to kiss you again.

He distracted himself by constantly checking up on you.

“Do you need food? I can have one of the guards stop by a local shop to grab- what do you mean everything is sold out? Can’t they just order more?”

“Jumin no-”

You had to teach him about video calling so he would stop asking for selfies every ten minutes, disputing his claim about how he ‘was already missing your beauty’. 

It went about as well as you might imagine it would...

“Press the little video icon to turn on your camera- no the other one. It looks like a small- NO JUMIN THAT’S THE MUTE BUTTON.”

When you did eventually get it working, he was more than thrilled to be able to talk to you face to face again. He even looked up how to take screenshots on his computer so he could save them.

“You know MC, this platform has a lot of potential uses...”

Down boy its only been a week.

At first you thought just video calling him was enough to satisfy his need to see you, hoping he would stop complaining about ‘missing your touch’.

That was until Driver Kim showed up at your door.

“Mr Han has asked that you pack your bags ma’am. It seems he is rather fond of the idea that you spend this quarantine with him instead.”

Of course he does.

You are thankful though, you missed him more than you were willing to admit. 

Saeyoung

This boy spends his life indoors anyway, he barely registered the lockdown announcement when it finally came.

But when you brought up the idea of spending quarantine with him instead of in your own apartment, that’s when his interest finally peaked.

He picked you up in one of his babies, grinning from ear to ear as he helped you with your small bag of things. 

“Operation 707 and 606′s lockdown extravanganza - COMMENCE!”

To no one’s surprise, he had hacked into the shopping network the moment he knew basic supplies would become sparse and ordered everything you both would need to come straight to his doorstep.

Which in his eyes meant a dozen boxes of Dr Pepper and Honey Buddha Chips. 

“Saeyoung.....”

He would often complain to you about being an ‘essential worker’ because he was still hacking even in the lockdown, but you quickly shot him down.

“MC! You’re so mean! I’m doing this for you! Reward me!!”

The only reward he got was a pillow to the face

When he wasn’t working, the two of you spent your time playing games and watching movies mostly, with the occasional prank call to Yoosung sprung in if you were extra bored.

As much as he joked around about it, Seven was genuinely thankful that you chose to spend such a delicate time with him instead of alone, and made sure to remind you of it at least once a week.

Sometimes he’d go out of his way to cook you your favourite meal, sometimes he’d run a special bubble bath and light some scented candles for a relaxing night, sometimes there were other things too-

But he was genuinely happy to spend every day with you like this, it reminded him of how lucky he was to have you in his life.

Jihyun

Jihyun was concerned at first about the lockdown and his career as a photographer.

Where was he going to go now? Where would he find his inspiration?

His questions were thankfully answered when you walked through the door.

The two of you started a small project amongst yourselves to try and spread some positivity in the community involving V’s photographs.

You’d find inspiration around the house you shared and create these elaborate photoshoots between the two of you that you would share online, encouraging those at home to do the same.

It actually became rather popular, so the two of you continued it.

Your personal favourite entries were the photographs from Jumin as he tried to capture Elizabeth in all her glory but failed miserably.

It was the effort that counted though

When you weren’t taking photos, Jihyun was constantly entertaining you with various activities and puzzles, leading to your weekly board game tradition which was one that you very much enjoyed.

Living in the countryside, you were lucky enough to be able to spend your exercise out in the wilderness with your boyfriend, mindlessly cloud gazing and discussing what the future could possibly have in store for the both of you.

You made sure to spend this time making Jihyun feel as loved as possible too, showering him with little gestures of gratitude for his efforts in keeping you sane during this scary time, which only made him fall in love with you more.

Saeran

Stuck.... inside...?

For months???

OH HELL NO-

Saeran was not about that lockdown life, and immediately went into a grump only you were able to drag him out of.

“Saeran it won’t be so bad! I’m sure it’ll go by in a flash!”

“....You’ll stay with me for it?”

“Of course.”

The two of you slowly get into a comfortable rhythm with eachother, with the you both making sure to give each other space if the other felt suffocated or emotionally drained at any point.

You find yourselves searching around the house for anything you could possibly use to entertain yourselves, eventually stumbling upon a pile of old jigsaw puzzles you had forgotten about.

And thus a tradition was born

Both you and Saeran discovered your love of jigsaws during the quarantine, finding them to be both mentally stimulating and emotionally relaxing at the same time.

Plus, the satisfaction of finishing one you had been working on for the last few hours was extremely satisfying to say the least and quickly became one of your favourite activities to do with Saeran.

You ended up asking Seven if he could do you a favour halfway through the lockdown when your boyfriend had had a particularly hard day, and low and behold, a whole box of ice cream appeared at your doorstep a week later.

“...MC how did this get here?”

“Must have been a miracle darling. Now, how about a movie night, hm?”

[vincent-frankenstein]

40. “Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?” with Analogical?

this was going to be a canonverse au until i started listening to The Amazing Devil so now you’re getting some faNTASY ANALOGICAL BOOYAH

Summary: Of all the punishments the universe had sent Virgil’s way, Logan was the worst. His life hadn’t exactly been a piece of cake since he’d found the stupid magical sword that the kingdom had been searching for for decades, since he’d been thrown into an epic quest of destiny he never asked for, but all that, at least, he understood.

He didn’t understand Logan.

And then one night, he did.

Warnings: uhhhh just general fantasy stuff? a dark king, evil shit, feelings of inadequacy, but this is legit alllll fluff

Virgil really wasn't built for questing.

Look, if he had his way, he wouldn't have even been sent on the stupid quest in the first place. He didn't ask to be chosen. He didn't ask to have the fate of the world placed on his shoulders. He didn't ask to be a fucking savior.

He wasn't a hero. He wasn't a savior. He was just... Virgil. He was tired, he was sore, he was angsty and snappy and, quite frankly, not very nice. Just because he'd happened to stumble across the ancient sword that the entire kingdom had been searching for for decades didn't mean he was meant to save the stupid place! He could barely even wield the damned thing.

And he couldn't even quest in peace. No, he had to have companions — A.K.A., other human disasters who only stayed by his side because they wanted a slice of his glory.

Well, no. Patton seemed to genuinely care — but then again, he seemed to care about everyone. It was in his nature as a healer; he didn't have a hateful bone in his body. Roman was there for the glory, though, and the glory alone; Virgil knew that, if there was any way to un-weave his soul from the sword, Roman would have taken the quest for himself. And Logan...

Virgil didn't understand Logan at all.

Like, why the hell was he even there? He had no interest in glory, Virgil could tell, and he didn't seem to give a shit about any of them, either. Sure, his magic had come in handy several times, and he'd saved their lives more times than Virgil could count, but...

He didn't talk to them otherwise. He kept to himself, always reading, always thinking, always silent. Virgil didn't think he'd said a word beyond his foreign incantations since he'd first introduced himself.

Normally, Virgil wouldn't have cared. So long as the dude stayed out of his way, he could do what he wanted. But there was no staying out of each other's ways when the four of them were lumped together on a quest, relying on each other and only each other for survival. They were around each other constantly, and, well. Virgil couldn't help but wonder what the guy's deal was.

He was just... quiet. He existed with a sort of solemn grace, an ethereal energy all his own; his sparkling blue eyes seemed to hold all the secrets of the universe, and his voice, whenever he decided to grace them with it, rumbled like the deepest, darkest thunderstorms. He carried a set of books the same shade of deep blue as his robes, enchanted to float at his sides at all times, and when he read from them his eyes grew bright, radiant.

Virgil found he couldn't drive Logan from his mind. What was it about them, that kept Logan in their group? That drove him to risk his own safety to save them, again and again and again? He didn't hail from their land. He had no stock in their war, and no stock in their souls; what difference did it make to him if they failed, if they died? Why did he risk himself, time and time again?

It was infuriating, in that awful, burning way where Virgil knew his frustration wasn't even justified. Logan didn't owe him shit. Just because Virgil was the "chosen one" or some shit like that didn't mean Logan was obligated to talk to him. Hell, none of them were! The war was his to fight; his quest was his to face. None of them had to fight for him.

None of them had to die for him.

And thus was the cycle of his thoughts. Through guilt and frustration and desperation, beneath waves of ash, his brain returned time and time again to Logan. Why was he so intriguing? Why was he so ethereal?

Why did he stay?

When his thoughts became too much to bear, he polished his sword. He hated the damn thing, hated the way it glowed at his touch, deepest purple to match his eyes, but the rhythmic motion, the back-and-forth of polishing served as a decent way to get his mind to give it a rest. Roman had taught him how to, back when they'd first met, in that snappy, bossy sort of way that made Virgil feel like a little kid who'd disappointed his teacher.

He did it in lieu of sleep, sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time. It was the one constant through the quest, as they trudged through forests and across mountain ranges and through villages full of lives he was meant to save. As they approached the capital — and the corrupt king waiting inside — the forests grew darker and the mountains grew taller, and the townspeople, once so full of hope, grew more haggard, and clutched at the hem of his cloak as he passed, begging, begging, begging—

He bit back a pained noise and polished harder, his threadbare rag running back-and-forth, back-and-forth along the shining obsidian of his sword. Another night of polishing in another forest full of shadows, trees looming on all sides, as though they were waiting to strike. Roman and Patton slept before him, curled together through their blankets, arms thrown haphazardly over each other as they snored.

And Logan sat at the other side of the clearing, leaned back against a tree, looking down through his half-moon spectacles at one of his many tomes. The pages turned themselves with a tiny flicker of blue, and his eyes glowed. Stars danced across his skin.

Back-and-forth. Back-and-forth. He lowered his gaze to his sword, following his hand as it slid back-and-forth, trying to get lost in the movement — but before he knew it, he was looking up again, looking at Logan.

He cleared his throat. "D'you ever sleep?" he asked, quietly enough that he half-hoped Logan hadn't even heard him. But Logan did hear him; he shifted, his book snapping shut in a cloud of dust, and suddenly his glowing eyes were locked onto Virgil's, and — holy shit, was this how it felt to die?

Logan lifted a brow, silent.

"Yeah, okay," Virgil said, silently thanking whatever faceless entity resided in the heavens above for granting him the mercy of an even, nonchalant voice. "I guess I'm a hypocrite."

Logan held his gaze for a moment longer, his eyebrow quirked, his lips pressing into a thin line. Then he returned to his book, and silence fell over the clearing again. Virgil pursed his lips, foot tapping against the ground as he polished, faster, faster.

When he lifted his head again, Logan was looking at him. His brilliant eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly, searching, scanning Virgil as though he was a puzzle Logan couldn't solve. Probably wondering how he was going to manage to save the world, probably comparing him to all the other heroes they'd encountered on their quest, probably —

He dipped his head in a small nod, and then lifted his hand. Virgil blinked. "What?"

Logan waved at him again, gesturing towards himself. Hesitantly, Virgil stood, sliding his sword back into the holder at his belt. Logan didn't watch him as he approached; he turned back to his book, sliding a gloved finger along one of the scribbled lines inside, mouth moving silently as he studied whatever incantation he'd scrawled inside.

Virgil reached his side and stood, hands fluttering awkwardly by his sides. "So..."

"Look," Logan said, his voice so soft and so deep that Virgil almost thought it was a distant storm. He lifted his hands, drawing blue energy from the worn pages of his book, galaxies painted across his skin, his eyes the brightest stars of all. Energy gathered around his fingers; he lifted them to the sky, to the canopy of thick, dark leaves above them, and whispered something in a language Virgil didn't know. Then —

The magic shot from his fingertips, arching meteorites of brightest blue, and danced through the air in a dazzling twirl. They reached the canopy above and drew the leaves back, pushing through, pushing beyond — and suddenly there were more stars above than Virgil could have ever imagined, twinkling with the same ethereal grace as Logan's eyes.

"Woah," he whispered, and Logan nodded, his book dropping down into his lap. "That's... woah. How —"

"That is how the sky looks where I come from." Virgil's breath hitched in his throat, and he realized how wrong he'd been. Logan's voice wasn't a crackle of thunder; it wasn't the aftermath. It was the interlude, the between — the moment just before the thunder, when the air still felt charged with lightning's touch, life and destruction, energy. His accent twisted around his words, weaving through, light and melodious. "There is less... light, there."

Virgil glanced through the trees behind them, where the capital's light shone across the horizon. The Glass City was the brightest part of an already burning kingdom; its light could be seen even at the farthest borders.

He tilted his head back towards the sky, and felt his breath knocked from his body again. "It's beautiful," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. Logan hummed softly. "Why are you showing me this?"

Logan didn't respond at first. He shifted to the side and patted the ground next to him, nodding at Virgil. Virgil blinked. "You — oh. Uh. Okay."

With all the grace he could muster — that is to say, none whatsoever — Virgil dropped to the ground at Logan's side, folding his hands in his lap, his foot tapping against the ground. He couldn't tear his eyes away from the sky above. He had never seen so many stars.

"I am never able to sleep without the stars," Logan said finally. His words were slow, careful; every sentence was weighed down with hesitance. He paused, his gaze caught in the stars, and his next words came with the hushed reverence of someone regaining hope they'd almost lost. "They are... home."

"I..." Virgil cleared his throat. "I didn't even know there were so many stars."

Logan blinked, his eyebrows furrowing. He shifted his gaze to Virgil, catching his eyes and holding them unabashedly, and Virgil found that, though his heart pounded, he couldn't look away. "What a tragic existence," he said, his voice ever-so-soft, and Virgil felt the genuine injustice in his voice with a pang in his heart. "Here. I will teach."

He leaned closer, shoulder pressing into Virgil's as he lifted his hand. "Aean," he said, his voice lifting and lilting along the name. Twisting a finger through the air, he wove a constellation through the sky, blue dust floating from star to star. "The god of Creation to those who first found my land."

"He looks like a snake," Virgil said, raising an eyebrow. The constellation Logan painted twisted through the sky in a series of coils and loops. Logan nodded.

"His wife, Oscia," he continued, and with a wave of his hands, the stardust shifted, revealing the vague form of a woman in armor, standing above the twisted snake. "The legends say that she stole his power of Creation from him, and used it to create humanity. Aean was full of pride. She used it to deceive him into the form of a snake."

"...Huh," Virgil said. "Pretty messed up relationship, there."

"Indeed," Logan said, with a quiet hum of agreement.

Virgil drew his knees up to his chest. "Which one's your favorite?"

Logan lifted his hand without hesitation, tracing it among the stars. Far, far above Aean and Oscia, so high that Virgil had to crane his neck to see, a winged creature came to life, outlined in blue stardust. "Logos," he said. "He is from one of the most ancient religions. He brought the first books down to humanity."

Logan's eyes glowed, though Virgil suspected it was more from wonder than magic. His heart skipped a few fluttery beats. "Nerd," he said, his mouth quirking up into a smirk. "His name sounds like yours."

Logan nodded, and — and suddenly he was smiling, beaming, a galaxy of freckles shining across his cheeks, a nebula of pride shining in his eyes, and suddenly Virgil forgot how to breathe. "It is for him that I am named," Logan said, his accent thickening in his excitement. Virgil faltered, heat building in his cheeks.

"Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?" he said, breathless. Logan blinked, and though his smile shrank, it didn't fade entirely. His eyes still sparkled.

"Apologies," he said, glancing over at Virgil. "The stars — they get me rather... excited."

Virgil smiled, knocking his shoulder into Logan's. "Not a problem, teach," he said. "Tell me more?"

Logan smiled. "Gladly."

[bondsmagii]

2, 8, 26, 37, 38, 57, 72, 91, 94, 100

> questions to ask at 4:02am meme 🌕🌃

thank you! 

2: Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known?

yes 😩 I can’t even adequately describe what’s going on here, but there’s a lot of people and a lot of places that feel familiar even if I don’t know them, if that makes sense? and there’s also a lot of people I could have become, and a lot of places I could have been, and I do have moments where I kind of mourn them even though I have no proof that they would have even existed in that specific way. I do think this is normal to an extent, but also I do this a lot, lol.

on a slightly less philosophical level, I of course mourn my older brother, who’s quite literally a person I never got the chance to know.

8: Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation?

oh man definitely. the love you feel for your friends isn’t the same love you feel for your spouse or your parents, and so on and so forth. there’s lots of different kinds of love, and lots of different levels within those types, and you’re also more than capable of feeling several different types and levels towards the same person, in my opinion. I don’t know if I would try and categorise everything, because something like love doesn’t really suit being shoved into boxes, but there are different types of love and I find it’s constantly shifting and changing along with you and the object of your love, which is cool.

I should add that I don’t find any one type of love more or less important than the others. seriously, destroy the idea that romantic love is the One True Love, and all other forms are somehow lesser. that’s just garbage.

26: What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far?

this is kind of embarrassing but the truth often is: almost eight years ago I decided to make a sideblog on here that has... something to do with writing, let’s say, and something to do with... a certain character... and anyway that decision led to me meeting a certain person and going from awkward messages on Tumblr to awkward messages on Skype, to eighteen hour conversations and constant texting, to living in a car together for three months on a roadtrip and then living in a car together for many more months while homeless (and a million other places in between), to moving in together and then holy shit we got married.

so I guess that one impulsive decision to make a shitpost sideblog at stupid o’clock in the morning when I was bored one summer has been the single most life-changing choice I’ve ever made.

37: Do opposites attract?

eh. I mean, yeah, sometimes? but similarities attract, too. I think for any kind of relationship to be successful you’ve kind of got to have an element of both, and I think that “opposites” usually refers to something very specific. for example, I don’t mind cleaning the bathroom and you hate it. that’s a useful kind of opposite, because it means a compromise neither of us feel cheated by. you’re unshakable when it comes to slogging through bureaucratic minutiae, and I’m a beast in high-stress quick-thinking scenarios. together we make a pretty unstoppable team, for being opposites in that regard. I think that’s kind of what’s meant by this saying, but unfortunately it seems to have been appropriated to mean “yes honey, I know you work 10 hour shifts and come home to find your partner hasn’t cleaned the house or done anything to help, but opposites attract!” or “my partner supports Trump and genuinely believes that vaccines and masks are a government conspiracy to control us all, and I am a normal human being, but opposites attract so I guess I’ll have to put up with it”. like no, kings and queens. that isn’t what it means. dump them.

38: Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago?

lmao no. not in the slightest. five years ago it would have been... just into 2016, and yeah, no. there is not a single thing about me right now that I would have predicted, aside from the general stuff that’s never changed about me. I had different ideas about what I would be doing for work, about what I’d be working towards; I had completely different levels of commitment and discipline to various tasks, and I certainly wasn’t planning an international move. I can at least say that I’m happier with my current plan than the one I used to have (it wasn’t a bad plan, it just no longer suits me) but there’s no way I would have expected this.

and of course, there’s the whole issue with the pandemic. five years ago I had no idea I would be living through a global natural disaster, and if you’d told me, I would have thought it would be something like a supervolcano eruption or a nuclear winter. like, I’m glad it’s not, but also “you have to stay in your house for over a year” still kind of sucks.

57: Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing?

I think we are sometimes, when things are tough and there’s a need to wish to escape (see how many books I read over quarantine in March, for example). most of the time, however, I think humans just like stories. I don’t think it’s any deeper than the fact that humans love stories, we’ve always loved stories, we’ve always loved telling and hearing stories, before we had books and archives we passed our stories down orally and we drew them on cave walls with our own fingers, and this love for the story has never changed or altered in the hundreds of thousands of years since. I think that’s the major driving force here.

right now I’m looking for an escape 24/7, because I’m sick to death of the real world. I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all. without books, without the fictional things I love, without reading and writing and music, I would have gone absolutely bonkers in 2020. being able to fall into a book or play around in the worlds I’ve created, both my own and things I’ve co-written with you, has literally saved my ass over the past eight months. escapism is never a bad thing. like anything, it only becomes troubling when it starts creating problems. but I do not think there’s any shame in occasionally saying “fuck it” and going to worry about someone else’s fictional problems for a while. 

72: Should people be prosecuted for crimes that weren’t considered crimes at the time?

this is a tough one. on the one hand I want to say no, because it could easily be abused. some asshole could get into power and make something illegal, and then round up all the people who have committed that now-crime and lock them up, and oh, would you look at that! all the people who have committed the now-crime just so happen to be the dictator’s biggest critics and threats, how convenient. 

at the same time, dictators are going to wipe out their enemies no matter how legal it is, and I also have to consider the fact that before WWII, for example, words like “genocide” and “crimes against humanity” didn’t exist. how could we decide that these things are crimes, but then not try those who literally gave cause for the crime to be acknowledged? we can hardly say “alright, genocide is now a crime against humanity, but because these guys did it before this was law they can’t be tried”. that’s just... not really a great precedent to set, you know?

so I suppose a tentative yes? I think it would probably depend entirely on the severity of the crime. for example, if they found out that... I don’t know, some normal everyday substance was something that people could suddenly get high off, and they declared it a drug, I don’t think everyone who’s ever sold it or used it should be rounded up and jailed. but like, if the act of cannibalism itself became a crime (and not just murder or desecration of a corpse, which is what “cannibalism” usually falls under in terms of legality) we should probably go round up all the people who are stealing human legs to eat, yanno?

91: Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate?

sick totheark reference bro. anyway yeah, hate is as strong as love, though it appears and reacts in different ways. hate and love are two sides of the same coin, if you ask me. the deeper you love somebody, the harder you hate them if things go wrong. hate is betrayed love. something something, a tree’s branches cannot reach to heaven unless its roots reach to hell, and all that. something so powerful is going to leave a lot of damage if it goes wrong.

I hate a few people. I don’t want to go into detail as to their specific identities, because I’m sure that if you know me well, you’ll know who they are. both of them were people whom I loved very deeply, and who betrayed that love in ferociously cruel ways. both people taught me very difficult lessons about the nature of love, and how sometimes it really cannot conquer everything, but while this would be a nasty lesson to learn it’s compounded by the fact that I learned this not out of any kind of extraneous circumstance, but rather through their cruelty and their refusal to work with me, listen to me, or love me in the way I deserved to be loved. my hatred for these people will never go away, even though it certainly doesn’t dominate my life. it is there, though, and I can easily draw on it whenever I need it. should I get the opportunity, I have no doubt in my mind that I have the capacity to be very cruel to these people in my own right, and I won’t feel bad about it.

94: How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately?

oh damn. forcefully, conditionally, stubbornly, and probably slightly possessively.

I don’t show love in conventional means. I’m one of those stereotypes, I guess. I don’t like declarations of love, I don’t really go in for physical affection, and I’m not sappy at all. my love language is more subtle, but it’s there. I like to do things for people, I like to create things for/with people, I like to have adventures with people. that’s how I love, and I can be pretty forceful about it. I also want people to improve themselves as much as possible -- I think the greatest thing I can witness someone I love doing is becoming the best version of themselves, and I will support them 100% in this effort -- also very forcefully. I don’t think there are many people who could put up with that level of intensity for so long, if I’m honest. I demand a lot of the ones I love, but I also like to think I give a lot, too.

my love is never unconditional. while I believe unconditional love exists, I have never seen it. my love always comes with conditions -- conditions about how I expect to be treated, about ideology, about worldview. these are all huge deal breakers, of course -- my conditions aren’t vague, or petty, or small in any way. but there is nobody on earth, nor will there ever be, who I will not walk away from if I feel the relationship is harmful in any way. I might not stop loving them, but I sure as hell will not assume that my love for them will protect me from them.

at the same time I’m a very stubborn person when it comes to love. people will do things they think must break one of my conditions, but I’ll see something else in it and I’ll stick around even if we both think it’s useless. I’m never wrong, so I suppose I have that going for me. but I am very, very stubborn when it comes to love. I have a high level of endurance and I know how to nurture love; how to stop pessimism from setting in. I’m also slightly possessive, so I don’t let go of anything easily -- and this includes the people I love. I’ll never stifle a person, but I’ll definitely fight for them, and something something everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it.

100: What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

I suppose something like this could never be logically grounded because there’s no logical proof at all, and “I Just Know” is apparently not a scientific argument (it should be), but I know I’ve had past lives. I just do. I have no solid proof for this, only gut feelings and Just Knowing and weird memories and some crazy shit that I can’t explain -- like being able to find my way around a strange city because I remembered it from a past life, for example -- but I just know I’ve had many different lives before and I will have many more to come. this is just an unshakable belief and it always has been.

[wordsandshawn]

Spiral

Requested: Angst where Shawn teases the reader about her weight as a joke, but she takes it really personally and gets super insecure about it

A/N: Not quite as a joke because I don't think “joking” about someone’s weight is ever okay, but Shawn says something and y/n definitely interprets it in a certain way that kind of spirals into a mess. 

Warnings: talk about weight, descriptions of negative thoughts, negative body image, angst. 

~

With the amount of stress you’ve been experiencing lately, a lot of your normal self-care routines have been thrown out the window, partially because you don’t have the time and partially because you don’t have the energy. Self-care for you looks like going for runs, meal prepping so you can eat healthily, and taking nights off where you take long bubble baths, deep condition your hair, and just be really lazy without letting yourself focus on the stresses in your life.

Since all of those things take time, you haven’t been able to do them. Truthfully, you haven’t been prioritizing them like you should. It becomes a cycle that all just spirals downhill. You get busy so you stop taking the time to care for your mental health, but then your mental health goes downhill, and then you’re not in the right mind to realize how much you need self-care, and it continues to get worse. 

When weeks or months go by without you remembering to take care of yourself in the little ways, it really affects your mental health. You’ve really started to notice it over the past week. It feels like you’re drowning, but you don’t quite know how to get yourself back on solid land.

Talking to Shawn normally helps you feel more grounded when things like this happen, and truthfully, he’s the one who normally pulls you out of these feelings when you get like this. But he’s been in Australia, and you’ve both been pretty busy. Even when you finally get a chance to facetime him or talk to him, he’s too far away to do much. 

Your phone is propped up against a pile of laundry on your bed, and you’re Facetiming Shawn while folding the laundry. You had just finished telling him about how stressed you’ve been lately, and you how much you hate it. You explain that it seems like everything is nnever-endingand no matter how much you do, there’s always more for you to do, which is discouraging and disheartening and difficult to deal with. Lately, just the buildup of it all has led to you constantly feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

When you finish telling him all of this, you continue folding your laundry and Shawn is silent for a few moments. You don’t think much of it, assuming he’s just thinking too. When he finally speaks, he says, “Have you been running lately?” This question catches you completely off-guard and makes you feel immediately self-conscious of your body. 

Your phone had been propped up in a way that showed your whole body since you were busy folding laundry, but you grab it, no longer wanting your body to be on the screen or in his view. “No, I’ve been busy.” You respond, feeling defensive.

“I know, but maybe you should start again.” Shawn suggests.

“Yeah, maybe.” You respond before quickly changing the subject. You got the message loud and clear, and you definitely don’t want to talk to Shawn about this anymore, fearing that you’ll feel even more insecure and unworthy than you already do.

If you were in a better mental state, you might have brushed off the statement and not pondered over it. But with where you are right now, you can’t help but read into the statement. You know that you haven’t been running lately, not for the last few weeks, at least. And you haven’t been eating well either. It’s been so difficult to find the time and energy to run after a long day or to wake up early to get in a run before work. Once you fell out of the routine of running several times a week, it’s been nearly impossible to get back into it. And as for eating, meal prep and getting to the grocery store have been hard. It’s been easier to pick up something on your way home from wherever you were or to drive thru somewhere on your way to your next destination.

Apparently, Shawn’s noticed the results of this in your body. You were somewhat aware that you had been gaining a bit of weight, but you didn’t realize it was that noticeable.

You end the conversation rather quickly after that and find yourself making up excuses as to why you can’t facetime Shawn over the next week while he’s away.

When Shawn returns home a week later because he has a twenty-day break between shows, you can’t avoid him any longer. You’ve talked to Shawn less than normal over the last week, not being able to bear the negative thoughts that tend to overtake you whenever you talk to him and start to wonder what he may be thinking of you. It’s taken nearly a whole week of struggle, but you’re starting to finally feel some sense of control again.

You’ve begun making your workouts a priority, and you’ve started eating healthy. Even though it’s only been a week, you’ve noticed a change in your body. Although running used to bring you mental release, it doesn’t anymore. Now you’re so focused on running farther and faster, focused on burning more calories and growing thinner, that it only causes more anxiety.

You’re more irritable lately, and on top of the worries and pressures of work and school, you find yourself worried that you’re not enough for Shawn. You’re terrified he’s starting to think twice about wanting to be with you.

When he shows up at your apartment, you’re worried he’s judging your body. He pulls you close in his arms. It’s been nearly a month since you saw him last, so of course, he misses you. You missed him too, but you can’t help but pull away from his embrace, much quicker than he would have liked. His hands linger on your waist, but only for a second before you brush him off completely and distract him by suggesting you watch a movie. 

Shawn pushes back on the suggestion at first, saying he wants to have dinner, maybe go out to a restaurant or order in, but you lie and tell him you already ate, even though you hadn’t eaten anything since the morning. You tell him he can order food if he’d like, but he decides not to. He’s disappointed that you ate without him, knowing he was coming, and you always eat together. This is true, but you couldn’t stand the thought of eating in front of him after you’d been scrutinizing over the words he said to you over facetime for the past week.

After a little bit, he finally drops the subject of food and agrees to watch a movie. He can tell there’s something off about you, but you insist you’re just tired, and you want to relax. As the movie begins playing, you stay mostly on your side of the couch, and Shawn clearly gets the message and respects your space.

Finally, after about an hour, Shawn can’t take it anymore. He pauses the movie and turns toward you, “Are you mad at me?” He questions, clearly, he’s been searching through his mind to try to figure out what could have possibly gone wrong between the two of you.

“No,” You respond. You’re not intending to be short with him, but there’s too much going on in your head that you’re not able to speak out loud.

“What are you upset about?” He questions further. 

“Nothing.” Everything. “I’m just tired.” The most common lie.

He studies you for a moment. He sees right through that lie, and you’re not surprised that he does. “Y/n, you can talk to me. You know that right?” He says in a softer voice this time, and you nod, but you still don’t talk.

After a couple more seconds, you can’t take it anymore, and you reach to turn the movie back on. Shawn asks you questions throughout the rest of the movie to try to understand your change in demeanor, but you refuse to give anything away.

When the movie ends, Shawn turns off the tv before you can even suggest putting on another. He looks at you and you look anywhere but back at him.

“What’s wrong?” He questions, finally. His voice is soft like he’s hesitant and unsure but he genuinely cannot figure out what has happened to you or why you’re acting this way.

“Nothing.” You mumble, but you refuse to make eye-contact. You’ve never been good at keeping things from Shawn.

“Seriously, y/n.” Shawn says, scooting closer, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” You respond, slightly more forcefully this time.

“Okay,” he pauses. “What’s on your mind?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” You snap, something you rarely ever do.

Shawn is clearly surprised, but he doesn’t get angry like you expect him to. It’s like he knows there’s something off with you, and he’s patient enough to try to figure it out instead of getting angry at you for snapping at him when he’s only trying to help.

“Look, y/n. If I did something that upset you, please tell me because I have no idea what’s wrong or what I did or how I’m supposed to fix it.” He’s running his fingers through his hair like he’s stressed. The way you’ve been acting has been freaking him out, and he can’t figure out what to do to make things better. All he wants is to be able to make things better.

You finally sigh. You know you should have just talked to Shawn about your feelings from the beginning, but instead, you chose to keep them inside where they festered and grew and led you to where you are now. 

“Am I too fat for you?”

The words come out nearly inaudible and Shawn leans closer to you, asking, “What?”

You swallow past the lump in your throat. “Do you think I’m fat?” You say, this time loud enough for him to hear. His eyebrows immediately knit together in confusion, but before he can respond, you blurt, “Do you not like me anymore because I’ve gained weight.”

“What are you talking about? Of course not, y/n.” He responds forcefully.

“It’s just that last week you made a comment that you thought I needed to work out more.” You respond, your heart is beating fast and the anxiety within you is building just talking about this topic.

“Y/n, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that you needed to lose weight. I think you’re perfect the way you are, and I would never say something like that.” He responds, still baffled. 

“But you did, Shawn!” You respond, feeling suddenly emotional.

“Okay, okay, let me think about it.” He responds, reaching out to take your hand in an attempt to calm you down without moving too close because he senses that you’ve been wanting distance and he wouldn’t want to push past your boundaries. He takes a deep breath, no doubt trying to regulate himself and pull his thoughts together so that he can hold you together and keep you from falling apart. “What else were we talking about? Maybe you just heard wrong or something?”

“We were facetiming, and I was folding laundry and telling you about my week and you said I needed to run more.” You explain, that exact moment was already seared in your mind, you don’t know how he could possibly have forgotten it.

Realization floods his face as that moment comes rushing back to him. “Y/n, I promise I didn’t mean it like that at all. The only reason—the only reason I asked was because I know that it helps you feel better when you run. And I know that it helps you get out of your head and you feel so much less stressed after. I remember, you were telling me about how stressed you were, and I just thought that was something that could help you mentally. It didn’t have anything to do with your body or your weight. Fuck. I’m sorry. I should’ve been thinking, but I just wasn’t thinking about that at all and I didn’t realize how it might affect you.” He pauses, and you let those words sink in for a moment. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes, genuinely looking sorry.

You realize how much you’ve over-reacted, and you believe that Shawn loves you and that he would not say something like “You need to work out,” without having your best interest at heart. “I’m sorry, I overreacted.” You respond, but even as the words leave your mouth, you’re not quite sure they’re completely true.

The doubts have still been planted in your mind. You’ve been self-conscious about your body and your weight for as long as you can remember. It doesn’t matter that people always say nice things to you if the topic of weight ever comes up in conversation, you still feel the way you do. Sometimes all of your insecurities flare up and leave you having negative thoughts for a while until you’re able to appreciate your body for the things it lets you do, for being a safe home for you to live in, and for the healing and breathing and walking and running and laughing.

“Hey,” Shawn whispers to get your attention. He noticed you get lost in your mind, and he tugs gently on your hand like a whispered come back to me. You look at him, and he says, “I love you, always.” You just nod, not even having the words or energy to respond verbally. He scoots closer to you on the couch, and this time you don’t back away. He wraps his arms around you, and you lean into his embrace.

“Do you want to know what I thought when I walked in the door earlier tonight to see you?” He asks, breaking the silence that had fallen between the two of you.

“What?” You question, preparing yourself to hear Shawn say something completely sappy and far too romantic for your liking.

“How lucky I am that the most beautiful girl in the world actually chose me.” He responds, keeping a straight face and sounding genuine.

You look at him, his face only a few inches from yours, and crinkle your nose in mock disgust. “Shawn, do you even hear yourself?” You question, but a small smile spreads across your face, and it only gets bigger when he breaks into a smile too.

“Yes. And it got you to smile, so that’s all that matters.”

You shake your head at him, but you don’t stop smiling. “I love you,” You say before tilting your chin up, your silent way of asking for a kiss. Shawn immediately obliges and closes the distance.

After a few seconds, your stomach growls, giving away your earlier lie about having already eaten. By the look in Shawn’s eyes when you make eye contact with him, he heard it too and knows exactly what it means. For a second, you’re afraid he’ll call you out or be upset, but he just reaches for his phone, “So… Chinese or Italian?” He questions naming your two favorite types of food, and you let out a breath you didn’t realize you had been holding.

“Chinese.” You respond without having to think twice this time. “And I want to get an extra side of the orange chicken sauce because they never give enough.” You add.

“There’s my girl,” Shawn says with a smile as he searches your favorite Chinese restaurant in his postmates app. And he’s right, you’re feeling a lot more like yourself since having that conversation with Shawn.

You may not just forget about the self-doubt and the feelings of insecurity that have recently been stirred up in you, but there’s one thing that you don’t doubt, it’s that Shawn genuinely loves you and supports you. He loves you for who you are. He considers himself lucky to be loved by you, and that makes you feel so loved, treasured, and valued at the end of the day.

[kareofbears]

persona 5 royal: my thoughts after finishing it five minutes ago

disclaimer: the only reason im writing this is because 1) i have a lot of thoughts and feelings that i need to write down and if i dont ill explode and 2) i want to be able to find this when p5s eventually drops so i can compare my thought processes. if you do not agree with what i’m going to say, that’s cool! just block me or ignore this post. 

now for the sake of sanity, i’m going to try and narrow down this entire list into chunks because this’ll probably be very very long and very much about me just screaming about stuff that i liked, loved, and don’t like. i will be spoiling both the original persona 5 and persona 5 royal, obviously, so i hope you finished both!

1) Akechi

so yes. Goro Akechi. Everyone’s favorite murderer. I’m going to by spewing a lot of hot takes, and this is probably going to be the spiciest: i am in the most intense love-hate relationship with this brown haired antagonist because jesus christ is he a complicated son of a bitch. I know i’ve complained in the past about how much Atlus often struggles with utilizing a character well, but that does not at all relate to Akechi in any way, shape, or form. 

I’ll say this now: He is a character I genuinely, truly hate, yet he is the one I want to hear from the most. He is someone who is a bad person (yes, he is a bad person) but whenever he comes on screen he makes me sit up, he makes me pay attention to him because that’s just the aura he exudes. He is a character who i would never, ever waste my time defending or justifying his actions, but every minute joker spends with him is a minute i want to stretch out as long as possible because he is just that good of a character. He is interesting, he is well defined, he is smart, he is clever, he is sassy, he’s a motherfucking asshole who’s never had a vibe check in my life and i still hate him. Goro Akechi is what Star Wars wanted Kylo Ren to be, and that allegory may not make sense to many people but it works for me so i’m saying it. It’s to the point where writing akechi in a fanfic makes me sweat because in my opinon capturing the essence of akechi is near impossible unless you know what you are talking about (i do not mean that in anyway to discourage people from writing him, im just saying that I am a coward because i will never be able to write a good akechi). Anyway, bottom line is: i despise him but my eyes are always glued to him at all times.

back to the main point-- Atlus absolutely nailed this character and every single addition they put in for Akechi. I’m so damn thrilled that you actually have confidant hangouts with him because every single time you talk to him, it services not only the plot, but it perfectly does what it is supposed to do: it makes you like him, but also leaves the player slightly unnerved. they do it so casually that I might have trouble explaining it, but bear with me: everytime you hangout with him, he always does or say something that unhinges you just a little bit, it leaves you asking ‘wait why?’ or ‘but how did you know that’ or ‘why are you saying that?’. akechi is constantly playing mind games with you. and not only that, adding backstory to akechi (moreso than in the original) is just fucking fantastic. he’s always been a fully fleshed out character but after playing royal, goro akechi actually exists in my mind, and i still hate him (but also i dont. but also i do. anyway)

2) the ending

just finished the game and this is the point where i am at odds with p5r for the first time. the ending to p5, in my opinion, was flawless; everything was perfect and had meaning. from the shot of akira being shown to not wearing glasses anymore because he no longer feels the need to wear a mask (character development: he was very unhappy at the beginning of the game and now he’s happy with his friends--i love it), to his friends being the one to drive him home (amazing, he left his home town and came to shibuya alone via transit, and one year later he’s now leaving with all of his best friends in a van they rented just so they could stay with him as long as they can--it’s perfect, i love it), and also all of them seeing how large and infinite the ocean is (because now there’s unlimited options for them because they all have a new perspective on life). 

But....none of that is there in p5r. it feels impersonal. no one drops him off at his hometown, he was still wearing glasses, and there’s no grand metaphor about what they all achieved. 

Now, i am not a (complete) moron. I know why they had to change it: it’s because of persona 5 scramble (i think). they wanted to set up a plot for the next game and i feel like thats the reason why persona 5 royal’s ending suffered for it: they were too focused on the next plot that they forgot to focus on the sentimental ending for p5r. don’t get me wrong, seeing akechi in the train station absolutely made me lose my shit and made me scream at one in the morning, but i think they lost the core meaning in doing the other stuff. i did not like the focus on maruki and kasumi (will be talking about them later), cause i feel like it took away from the ending, and i also didn’t like the fact that the whole joker outfit in the reflection thing (but i will be letting it slide since it was during the after credits anyway). So while i do love one (1) new aspect of the final cut scene, i still adore and stan the one from persona 5. 

3) the entire last semester 

i’ll be quick: the final palace? the best palace. fight me. it’s fantastic, it’s innovative, it’s interesting, and most of all, the palace ruler is actually the best one in the entire game and i know i wont be the only one to say this. maruki is not a villain: i know for a godamn fact that im not the only one to say that i almost agreed with his deal of allowing the reality (damn i almost agreed twice) because why wouldnt you?? it’s literally a perfect reality! the only reason i didnt agree is because i knew the game wouldnt want me to agree and would force me to have the bad ending! anyway, i love the last section so much. the palace design is interesting, the antagonist is brilliant (who doesn’t love a morally gray antagonist?), and finally, the payoff of kasumi happened and it made me silent for ten minutes. the entire reveal of her being sumire and kasumi being dead is just so genuinely shocking to me that it nearly broke my neck.

what actually broke my neck was the initial incident for the third semester. seeing everyone in this wild alternate reality made me so unsettled that i literally got a stomach ache. i saw morgana as a human and nearly passed out. shiho in the underground? wig. ryuji saying he’s on the national pedastal for running? literally my eyebrows just popped off my head. fucking WAKABA? FLATLINED. brilliantly executed and i love the initial akechi and akira buddy cop movie vibes in the beginning it was just so fun. 

one huge part of the third semester for me though, was of course, akechi. seeing him completely throw away his ‘charming ace detective’ speil was the most refreshing and interesting and not to mention, hilarious part of the game. he does not give a fuck about anyone and he is not afraid to let you know. he is the biggest savage and the most insane person on the phantom thieves group. he’ll roast you, he’ll roast your boyfriend, he’ll roast fuckin anyone and it’s fantastic. not to mention his dialogue is killer: he says the most bat shit insults ever and my favorite example is when you go up to him near the end of the game, you know, to hangout with him and be a nice guy, he just does not hesitate to say ‘what, you came just to see me? just the sort of brainless sentimentality i’d expect from you.’ i LOVE IT because why the hell would he try to be nice? the jig is up, he’s got nothing to hide. and he owns it. atlus seriously nailed akechi in this last semester and it’s brilliant and i love it.

4) everything else 

- one small thing that pissed me off in both games (but especially this one) is how many godamn fake out deaths there are. Morgana has one, Akira has one, Ryuji has one, Sojiro has one, Maruki has one, motherfucking Akechi has two. it just hurts me!

- sumire is an amazing character who has depth and she is lovely and my biggest complaint is that it feels like atlus shoved her in. like, she feels like a new addition to the game, you know what  i mean? maybe its because ive played the original p5 first, but you know, it’s not a big deal. but i love her so much

- on the topic of sumire, i cant say that im completely super duper happy with how different she felt from the other thieves? im sure that’ll be explained in p5s but she just got so much screen time that it just truly made me confused?? maybe im just a horrible person, or that’s just a really hot take. but anyway, yeah maybe im bitter because i really wanted to see extra hangouts/school trips during royal, but didn’t really.

-baton pass? literally orgasmic. it made turn base battles so damn fun and the addition of darts and billiards made me foam at the mouth it was SO SMART AND INNOVATIVE AND I LOVE IT ATLUS I LOVE YOU ATLUS YOURE SO SMART SWEETIE

-small thing, but making spells like ‘dormina’ actually useful just made the game so much more fun and dungeon crawling became something i truly, genuinely looked forward to

-being able to give gifts to my bros? absolutely incredible. thank you. side note: seeing akechi happy from giving him a multi vitamin cracked me up. side side note: giving ryuji a fuck ton of weights and him just smiling made my heart so happy i love that boy so much

- ah this game just looked so GOOD! i thought the original looked good but they really went all out. im not kidding, the smallest details in everyday life or even just normal cut scenes were out of this world. especially stuff from the third semester its just OOF good JOB atlus i love you buddy

-ahhh thieves den! how can i forget? i love it. at first i was a bit iffy with it since it really felt like persona 5 (undoubtedly the biggest game atlus has created) was just jacking itself off. but as time goes on, it became a huge addition to the game and seeing characters’ insights and extra lines of dialogue became super duper interesting and a highlight of the game for me. and don’t even get me started on how much i love love love the photos they added of them hanging out! so lovely, a bunch of them made me tear up

- i know it’s literally impossible, but i feel like the game just forgot that akechi is a person who can wield multiple persona and i just wish that could’ve been messed around with during Palaces

- showtimes are so, so crazy and i get so embarassed whenever they play on my tv because they are just outlandish and unashamed but i love them so so much it just defines persona’s personality 

-because i love ryuji: i prefer the final conversation you have with him aka ‘whaddya mean? you’re there’ but there’s still a lot of really tender and sweet moments like akira genuinely telling him that he’ll miss him, and also the fact that ryuji wants you both to send each other your times through the exercise watch so you can still race ahhhh i love him so much yall

so, overall, this game is better than the original p5 because of the extra content we get. if persona 5 was the perfect dinner, persona 5 royal is that same dinner and you get to enter the dessert buffet. it’s brilliant, it’s smart, it’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, and it’s undoubtedly my favorite game of all time without exaggeration. while i do prefer the final cut scene (and final dialogues with some characters) in the original persona 5, in the overall experience, persona 5 royal is superior in my mind. i would willingly get amnesia to play this game again. 

I didn’t get to cover everything, but this is definitely most of what i wanted to say. if you actually get to reading all the way to the end, thanks! it means a lot. i hope we can all enjoy persona and look forward to persona 5 scramble together :-)