#yeah my delulu pills wore off

[rocarynart]

Waiting for the eclipse

This year's lesson from the gods to me has been two things. Humanity and patience. Yeah. Wicked combo.

Life has a way of reminding you that you have needs, that you are vulnerable, and while yes, you are a vessel for magic and creativity, you had to be nerfed because you are too powerful, and thus you have a shit health bar. I think the harder part of the acceptance is that I had been improving from where I had been four years ago; putting active effort into regaining control and healing. Which sucks, but it is what it is at this rate. Combine that, with post-hospital visit, the string of appointments that were as anti-climactic as they could be and they DIDN'T communicate with each other, additionally to have my father helicopter over me as if I have just gotten diagnosed with T1 again. Yeah, I know I need to learn to ask for help, to lean into people more, but sweet mother of monkey milk, didjya have to give me three seizures and a six-month seizure free ticket before I can drive again and work properly? Top it off, society glorifies independence, tells you to go out on your own, be weird and unique. But then turn right back around and setup barriers, can't afford anything unless you've got a double-income, meaning find a partner or burn your soul out from exhaustion. And they don't like when you act a little kooky or don't follow their invisible script. And even worse, that's not even enough now. All of that to say, having these seizures just reminds me of the walls I can't even scale right now, will I ever get to scale them? I know there's no way I'm not getting past them on my own. And that bleeds into the patience. Hi, yes, if I'm supposed to stay put like the cards have told me, like the music has sung to me, and if the guy I met a few months ago was just a puff of steam that leaked from the pot that's cooking to show that I'm DESIRABLE, and to show how BIG this thing cooking is. I'm trusting, and I'm sat. AND IF THIS GUY IS ANYWHERE CLOSE TO WHERE YOUR SIGNS ARE POINTING- I question my sanity, every-fucking-day, just so you know, Mr. Soulmate, wherever you are. But if I'm right, dear GODS I would never question my thoughts and ideas as delusions AGAIN. So uh, yeah. Music rec to manifest this shit.

[rocarynart]

Waiting for the eclipse

How many more doves do I have to see before you're here in my arms?

How am I supposed to get over you if you keep sending ravens to me?

Will a star collapse before I know why you're watching me from beyond?

But all I have and can do is hope.

Is my delusion too strong or are these signs my soon reality?

I'll fight for this cosmic love I'm overdue. No matter what oceans might divide us. I'll be here.

Find me wherever you are, sunshine.