#yeah it's just about the catharsis of seeing someone go through the worst possible things ever

[bulletbilltime]

Between Ethel Cain's Preacher's Daughter, Shisumo's Bookstore Max AU, and whimsicalcotton's polluted marrow Max AU (and let's be real pretty much all of Life is Strange 1 & True Colors), I am noticing that I may be latching on to stories about traumatized ppl more than may be healthy

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 296: Ngl, This One Pissed Me Off

Previously on BnHA: Deku was all, “p.s. I actually activated yet another quirk several chapters ago when Kacchan got stabbed.” Compress was all, “[gets captured and passes out].” Spinner was all “[rifles through Tomura’s pockets and slaps a random Charbroiled Hand onto his friend’s unconscious face].” Tomura was all, “SOMEHOW THAT ACTUALLY WORKED” and woke up again, except it wasn’t really him, it was everyone’s favorite Final Villain, AFO. AFO was all, “time to escape finally” and summoned a bunch of Noumu and Absconded with Spinner and the DabiMarble in tow. Skeptic was all, “Horikoshi forgot I existed, but I’m actually Absconding in marble-form as well.” Deku was all, “ATTENTION WORLD, I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I OFFICIALLY WANT TO SAVE SHIGARAKI TOMURA.” And then the arc just sort of ended lol.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all, “but when you think about it, do we really need literally any female teachers at U.A. at all?” and for whatever reason doesn’t stop to wait for an answer. Midnight, who absolutely did not need to die, Dies, and I’m pissed about it. Ochako wanders the ruins of Jakku for what feels like hours, rescuing small children while her adult hero compatriots fall to pieces around her, because apparently the U.A. kids really are the only people who have their shit together. The citizens of Japan are all “damn that’s wild, wonder how fucked we are now,” but are actually super casual and chill about it which is oddly realistic. The chapter ends with AFO in Tartarus being all “lol time for the prison break arc,” without giving us so much as a chance to catch our breath, like holy shit. Are we on the clock or something now, goddamn.

lmao it’s like 7pm on a Sunday night and this is out already. this is like the worst possible timing lol. there goes my nice, relaxed evening. unless of course this turns out to be a nice, restful, soothing chapter, as chapters coming on the heels of traumatic, earth-shattering battles so often are. yeah, break out the Pina Colada song and the little drink umbrellas, I got a good feeling about this one

(ETA: I mean, I was obviously being sarcastic here but damn, Horikoshi.)

-- fff why did I laugh

it’s the crumbling city ruins in the background that really does it, I think. JUST LOOK AT THIS MESS THAT YOU HAVE MADE, EVERYONE. FOR SHAME

also, the title is dramatic af and I am so fucking excited you guys, like holy shit. BnHA’s In-Between arcs have always been my favorite part of the series, because it’s when all the character development and angst and/or catharsis happens. just, those little breathing spaces in between the action when everyone gathers to recuperate and compartmentalize their fresh new traumas lmao. bring on that angst!! but also, let’s please have some Comfort to offset all of this Hurt too, please and thanks

blah blah blah so the survivors were evacuated, good good, can you actually show us though?

AHHHHHHH

PIXIE BOB SURVIVED!!!! WASH IS STILL ALIVE LMAO HOW. THIRTEEN’S FACE, OMG SHOULD I LOOK AWAY. IS IT LIKE MANDALORIAN RULES. IDK HOW IT WORKS

HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY ALIVE. LOLS ANYWAY I’M HERE FOR IT. FEEL FREE NOT TO KILL ANYONE ELSE HERE HORIKOSHI, I THINK WE’RE GOOD

(ETA: it’s like talking to a brick wall.)

oh my god do we really need exposition about how the heroes tried to stop TomurAFO from escaping and OF COURSE failed completely because they suck lmao. oh my god I am shocked, that is such shocking news

wow they only managed to defeat three of the Noumus. holy shit. again, all of the Not-Kid Heroes are only slightly more useful than cardboard cutouts of heroes at this point, MORE AT ELEVEN

so Tomura may have lost the PLF, but he still more or less has an army then, huh. I really don’t know how anyone could expect a timeskip with that threat looming over everyone’s heads

oh nvm lol there are only seven Noumus left. wait so you’re telling me there were only ten Nearly High Ends in that last chapter?? felt more like fifty but whatever lol I’ll take your word for it

COMPRESS YAY YOU’RE ALIVE TOO

MAYBE THEY CAN EVEN REATTACH HIS ASS. I’M SERIOUS LOL, BECAUSE HE STILL HAS IT, DOESN’T HE? OR IF NOT, THEY CAN REBUILD HIM WITH A PROSTHETIC ASS. he’ll be more powerful than ever

WHAAAAAAT YEAH BOIIIII

WOOO, EDGESHOT, WOOOOO. THAT’S HIS WAY OF THE NINJA

YEAHHHHH SUCK IT, PLF

(ETA: for the record I don’t think Cementoss is dead here, just badly wounded. if he had died he would have been included in the forthcoming In Memoriam page along with the others.)

GET BENT LOL. TRUMPET I FOR REAL FORGOT YOU EVEN EXISTED. I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU LOSERS AGAIN PLEASE. ONLY INTERESTING CHARACTERS MAY PROCEED PAST THIS POINT

dsflksaldkh;l

that’s... holy shit. that’s a bigass mansion, that’s what that is. also so does this mean there are still eighty thousand PLF members still at large, because that’s a plot line I very much do not care about in any way whatsoever lol. can’t we just retcon to say that Re-Destro was exaggerating? I mean hell, a CEO criminal pulling some Enron-type bullshit is pretty believable, isn’t it? those poor bamboozled shareholders

“makeste, here’s an idea, what if you scrolled down to read the rest of the page” lol gtfo of here with your logic and your sense

well those 132 people have made it onto my enemies list, but at least it sounds like they more or less took care of the rest. good riddance

and Toga escaped, as we knew already, and is now on the lam. hopefully she reunites with the League again at some point. although her doing her own thing could also be very interesting. idk what I want lol

anyway so there’s another big panel showing how fucked up the city is, just in case it hadn’t already been hammered into our skulls yet. there’s a car dangling off a roof somehow. how does that even happen. did Machia pick it up and put it there or

NOOO OMG RANDOM SMALL CHILDREN IN PERIL WHAT IS THIS

OCHAKO PLEASE SAVE THEM OMG

“if it falls on me, I want you to have my Endeavor pouch” OH MY STARS. HIS MOST PRECIOUS POSSESSION. NO MY CHILD YOU CAN’T GIVE UP HOPE YET

LMAO

“FOR THE LAST TIME NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR DUSTY-ASS POUCH, KYLE” fffff these children are dying and I am cracking up so hard my eyes are tearing up what is wrong with me

YAY THEY SAVED THEM

but listen. not that I don’t love seeing the girls kick ass, because you know I do. but I also really, REALLY need to know what’s going down with the Musketeers, and I’m not looking forward to waiting three whole weeks for that so please Horikoshi. please hurry this along so we can get to them

goddamn it Tsuyu is saying she’ll take the boy to the shelter to get first aid, and I was all “okay great because that’s probably where Kacchan and the others are too”, but now someone else is shouting for help and Ochako’s all “I’ll go” and it’s like OKAY BUT PLEASE? this chapter is already more than half over omfg. ‘bout to start wringing some hands here

oh my god

is this Toga again??? WHAT THE HELL, THIS CREEPYASS HALF-DEAD DUDE BETTER BE LEADING UP TO SOMETHING INTERESTING, I AM REALLY GETTING IMPATIENT

OR, I GUESS, WE COULD DO THIS INSTEAD

“SO AS IT TURNS OUT, NOT EVERY CHARACTER WHO NEEDS HELP SAVING THEIR SPOUSE FROM FALLEN RUBBLE IS ACTUALLY TOGA IN DISGUISE” HUH, OKAY. DULY NOTED. FILED AWAY FOR FUTURE REFERENCE

but fucking... okay, look. I love Ochako, I do. but I like her a whole lot more when she’s interacting with other characters I actually care about, as opposed to running around in the rubble rescuing random people while the fate of my other children is still up in the air. like okay, I get it, shit’s bad, now if you don’t mind we really don’t have to spend all day here though

...anyways but nope, we’re still staying with her. she’s bouncing around rescuing all of these other people. omg. I literally have no patience here at all and it’s terrible, I know, but oh my god

omg finally something interesting is happening!!

look at that, an adult hero standing around being useless while the kids are busy getting shit done. why is this becoming a recurring theme

MY DUDE, THIS IS SERIOUSLY NOT THE TIME THOUGH

I GET THAT IT’S OVERWHELMING AND THAT YOU’RE TRAUMATIZED AND SHIT, BUT GUESS WHAT, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. THAT’S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR. JUST LOOK AT OCHAKO! SHE’S SO EXHAUSTED HER HAIR HAS EVEN LOST ITS FLOOF, AND YET SHE’S STILL OUT HERE DOING HER BEST. ONE SAVE AT A TIME MY MAN. GET IT DONE. LITERALLY A SMALL CHILD IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CALLING FOR THEIR MOMMY AND YOU’RE JUST STANDING THERE ALL “WAHH IT’S TOO MUCH” LIKE COULD YOU PLEASE POSTPONE YOUR CRISIS UNTIL AFTER YOU SAVE THEM PLEASE

OH MY GOD

MAYBE YOU SHOULD!! oh my god I really cannot, like wow. oh no I actually have to save people and do my job, god forbid. jesus christ, at least the other heroes tried. but Moping Hero: Bellyache here is just throwing in the towel and fuck everyone who still needs his help I guess. you are like the anti-Deku my dude

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NO OH FUCK

THAT’S MIDNIGHT’S HAND OH FU -- SHE BETTER NOT -- HORIKOSHI I SWEAR TO GOD --

I’M GONNA LOSE IT I REALLY AM!!!!

HOLY SHIT HOW INTENSE OF A RAGE DO I NEED TO BRACE MYSELF TO BE FEELING HERE. THIS CHAPTER WAS ALREADY TRENDING TOWARDS DISAPPOINTMENT, DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO AND COMPOUND THAT

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

you’re telling me Tomura wasn’t brought back by that electric shock, but by his “fuck you” attitude? why are you explaining this to us now, again??

......

HEY, SO UM, FUCK ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS, THOUGH. (: OH MAN. OHHHHHH MAN. I HAVE... I HAVE GOT A LOT OF WORDS FOR THIS AND HERE ARE SOME OF THEM

FUCK

THINGS THAT SHOULD BE IN THE DICTIONARY NEXT TO “SOME BULLSHIT”: THIS

FUCK

GET FUCKED HORIKOSHI

AND ALSO PLEASE FUCK RIGHT OFF!!

AND SERIOUSLY THOUGH FUCK YOU

NO BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH!! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED OFF ANYONE. LITERALLY ANY CHARACTER. YOU HAD TWELVE FEMALE PROS. TWELVE. YOU COULD HAVE MADE MORE OF THEM. PROBABLY, IF THERE ACTUALLY WERE SUPERHEROES IN REAL LIFE, THERE WOULD BE MORE THAN TWELVE OF THEM IN AN ENTIRE NATION. BUT NO, YOU WERE ALL “TWELVE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.” AND THEN WHEN IT CAME TIME TO KILL PEOPLE OFF, YOU WERE ALL “WELL ALL RIGHT THEN, LET’S SEE, I PICK... THESE 18 RANDOM SIDE CHARACTERS WITH LITTLE TO NO DIALOGUE, PLUS THE ONE SINGLE FEMALE U.A. STAFF MEMBER WE ACTUALLY HAD. YEAH THAT OUGHTA DO IT”

AND BY THE WAY, HORIKOSHI, I PICKED SOMETHING UP FOR YOU ON MY WAY HOME, HERE IT IS, ┌П┐(・＿・) do you like it it was on sale. I saw it and was like, “Horikoshi would really like that.” so there you go. sorry it wasn’t gift-wrapped

p.s. I hope y’all can tell that that’s supposed to be a middle finger and not... something else lmao. er. anyway

(ETA: so I got a few asks from people who were really put off by this part of the reaction post, and so I’m just adding an extra note here to make it clear that I do not actually wish harm on Horikoshi in any way or even particularly dislike him. I wasn’t happy about Midnight’s death and I wanted to convey that, and so I went with my usual LOUD CAPSLOCK REACTION tone, but looking back on it I can see that it’s kind of a lot, lol. 

so just to be clear, the “fuck you” stuff is almost entirely tongue-in-cheek. that’s on me, I forget sometimes that there are people who share these sentiments unironically and so I didn’t think to make sure my intended meaning here was clear. anyways, killing Midnight was still a really problematic decision for numerous reasons but it is what it is. Horikoshi is not perfect, the story isn’t perfect, and I’m not gonna pretend like it is, but again just to be clear, I don’t harbor any actual ill will toward Horikoshi here.)

shit. and wow this man really went and killed off fucking Mystic too on top of that. have you ever seen a character fail so spectacularly at living up to their hype. r.i.p. Mystic you were like the Star Wars sequel of characters

(ETA: I have no fucking idea why I keep thinking Majestic’s name is Mystic lol. rest in peace you old scarecrowy bastard.)

and poor Momo, though. fuck. lost two mentors in a single day. and do not even get me started on Aizawa holy shit

so now we’re cutting to some random townspeople who are gossiping about the Todoroki drama. this is actually interesting in spite of my newfound determination to hate this chapter lol

ngl I am kind of heartened to see that not everyone fell for Dabi’s bs hook line and sinker though. Jeanist returning from the dead literally two seconds after Dabi was all “I SWEAR ON MY HONOR AS A VILLAIN THAT HAWKS MURDERED HIM” probably helped with that a bit! but there will doubtless be many other people who do believe him, or are at least still inclined to side-eye the heroes in general either way given how much they sucked in this arc. very, very interesting

so it seems though that even more than the whole Endeavor reveal, at the end of the day it’s going to be the heroes failing to live up to their end of the “put your faith in us and let us use our quirks and in return we’ll protect everyone and keep them safe” implied social contract that’s going to have the biggest impact on people’s opinions moving forward. basically this was always going to be a disaster no matter what

OH MY GOD FINALLY AHHHHH

Horikoshi really tapped into some of the real-life political energy of the past few years huh. Fuck Him Still for killing off Midnight, but I will admit that so far this is hella intriguing and I am really, really curious to see where things go from here

OH MY GOD THE LITTLE KIDS FROM THE BABYSITTING ARC

“FIVE PEEPEE MAN WOULDN’T LIE TO US” YES CHILDREN YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. at least the little ones still have faith

UM

 ( •̀ へ •́  )

that’s great. that’s really keen. all we need right now, amirite

GOOD FOR YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

let’s just wait for him to explain what he feels. you know he likes to drag it out

is that Dabi crouched down there next to Spinner? looks like they got him out of the marble after all. but why has his hair changed colors again lol what

anyways. your turn to what??

:’) excuse me what

hahahaha are you fucking kidding me. and that’s where we’re going to end the chapter then. lol okay

so let’s recap. Midnight died. we spent ten hours watching Ochako dig people out of rubble for no apparent reason and were then introduced to my new least favorite character, and because Ochako is so nice she didn’t even punch him in the face even though she really should have. we did not get any Kacchan or Shouto. we got one panel of Deku, who is Finally Asleep. and the chapter ended with AFO ordering his Noumus to go set free, AND I QUOTE, HIS “MAIN BODY.” and now I gotta wait an entire week for Caleb’s translation to confirm that last part. omg

but it sounds like a prison break is imminent, which is very, very interesting. ...and actually, is it weird that I’m actually rooting for it to be a success? I have no idea what this guy is planning, but I do know that as long as the main part of his soul is still residing in Tomura’s body, Tomura’s chance of surviving the series is close to zero. and villain though he may be, I’m still rooting for his redemption (nice to have Deku on my side now too), and so yeah. so like if AFO feels like using some latent Exorcism Quirk or something that he’s been saving for just such an occasion, be my guest lol

meanwhile this doesn’t bode well for All Might though. or anyone else aside from Tomura, really. shiiiit

anyway. [slaps roof of chapter] this baby can fit so much bullshit in it

[there-are-things-i-dont-forget]

SPOILERS FOR CRITICAL ROLE CAMPAIGN 2 BELOW

I just wanted to talk about how much the Mighty Nein and Matt and Critical Role have meant to me over the past few months. I started Campaign 2 in January this year, when I moved out for university and was able to live on my own for the first time. They quite literally saved me, because I cared so much for the setting and the characters and the story that Matt wove and how the players interacted with them that I hung on just to see how it would end. 

For me, it was amazing how I could relate the characters to aspects of myself, and how watching them all get their happy endings have made me be able to look forward with a bit more hope.

Let’s start with Beau. I’ll be honest, Marisha’s characters are always the most challenging for me, because of how real they are. Marisha is a stunning actor, incredibly skilled, and Beau was the character I responded to the most as if it was a real person. Everyone else I could enjoy and play into the metagame of watching the players be characters. With Beau and Marisha, it was so real. Moreover, I could see myself reflected in the character (which is probably why I found her so challenging to begin with). Trauma, hurt, being an asshole to other people before they could reject her first. Not the best at compliments, giving in to anger and sarcasm, struggling to connect. And I got to watch her grow, and be accepted, and learn from her mistakes, and be appreciated by who she was, and in the end get vindication on her abusers, and find love and acceptance. Beau’s story is incredibly special to me.

In that same vein is Yasha’s. Manipulated, taken advantage of, forced to do things against her will. Yasha’s story is the one that I can relate to the most, in terms of trauma, and to see her quite literally rip the wings off of her abuser was cathartic in a way that I did not expect, but should have foreseen. And in the end, she also got her happy ending. I’m gonna leave it at that, because any more will make me cry. But I hold her and her character arc so close to my heart.

Liam’s performances are the hardest for me to watch because he feels so much, and I love it. He really gives it all to the scene and it is incredible. Caleb was a character that I overlooked for a bit in the beginning (as Jester had quickly become my favorite), but he quickly climbed as we began to see more of his character and his backstory. Manipulated and groomed by someone he was supposed to be able to trust, forced again to do things against his will, falling in to flashbacks and panic attacks, struggling to rejoin society and interact with others, a love and a passion for learning to a nearly obsessive sense, both for the love of it and for the possibility of gaining the power and strength needed to take back control. Slowly learning to love, to grow, to find friends and see that there can be more to life, that you don’t have to be ruled by your trauma or let it define you, but also still acknowledging it and its effects. But also just how long it takes, and how it can affect you in ways you cannot imagine. He also got his vindication on his abuser, and again, I cried, tears of happiness for him and of grief and hope for me, that one day I might be able to do the same.

Caleb, Yasha, and Beau are the ones I relate to the most because their story is my story, and watching them grow and love means it can happen to me as well. I cannot stress how important and incredible it is for me to realize that. In the more material sense, they all got closure and catharsis against those who hurt them, and they all learned to love again, to open their hearts and let others in again. And that means I can too.

This brings me to the Shadowgast love story. I know this is really controversial for the fandom and I don’t care. For me, their arc was perfectly realistic, and their ending was exactly what I expected for the characters. Finding a kin spirit, learning together, hesitant but trusting in the other’s passion for study at the very least, slowly and naturally growing closer and learning more about each other, revealing more. The betrayal from Essek, the scene on the boat, the slight recoiling on either side, and then learning again, slowly trusting again and teaching each other to forgive themselves, that they were both victims in a sense and that they can take back control and do better, and choose to do better and be better. Slowly healing, and healing together, knowing the worst of each other and choosing to stay but still acknowledging those parts of each other. The scene where they return to the T-Dock and they talk about time travel, and Caleb disintegrates the whole thing? That’s growth, and that’s growing together. And they continue to grow for years, and heal for years, and eventually they end up together, but it takes time. Of course it does. And Essek’s character and this ending really helped me understand some of my own feelings in terms of friendship and romance. Everyone upset that there wasn’t any “on screen” romance or whatever, to me, fundamentally misunderstood the character, especially since his love language does not seem to be physical touch at all (if anything it’s gift giving/acts of service - teleporting the M9 around? Helping Caleb solve the spell? Giving up to dunamis gem to help the M9 get a long rest?). But yeah. Watching characters like that help validate my own experiences in friendship and romance and it was fantastic. 

The others I have a bit less in common with, but there’s still stuff to talk about. Veth having her body changed by someone else, something out of her control, feeling alien in this body and struggling to find a sense of self, then finding friends willing to pour everything into helping her be herself again? Fjord learning he is valuable whether or not he has powers/can serve others, that he has worth just as himself, and that that is enough? Those were stories I needed to hear, to know that something like that is possible.

Caduceus growing out of his comfort zone, exploring, learning, but still being a rock for the others (and for the viewers), and "Pain doesn’t make people. It’s love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential. It’s love that saves them."?  Molly’s loyalty and “leave every place better than you found it”? Even if I couldn’t relate directly to the characters didn’t mean they didn’t have an impact, and these are things that I will carry with me always.

Jester. I have just about nothing in common with Jester, and I loved it. Her optimism, her jokes, and her art (including the dicks), just the absolute light and joy that was her character was exactly what I needed to get through some of the toughest times of my life. Watching her grow from episode one to episode 141 was insane, to mature but not lose her creativity and her fun for life. She was my reminder that there is good and light and hope in the world, even if sometimes you have to create it for yourself, and that is what kept me going sometimes.

And finally, Matt. I cannot give enough thanks to you for choosing to share this amazing world and this story with us. Your storytelling is what prompted me to finally put my ideas into writing, and now I’m working on my own book. Along with Jester, Essek is one of my favorites, and his story arc and characterization was incredibly important to me. I truly have no words for how Critical Role and especially you, with the care and passion and obvious love for storytelling that you have, have changed my life. And I cannot thank you enough.

Am I sad that the campaign ended? Maybe a little. I will miss these characters. But I truly believe that Matt ended the campaign at the perfect point, and I loved the final episode, it made incredible sense for the end of the characters (maybe a teeny bit more Marion/Babenon? But I digress). I’m sure Campaign 3 will be just as astounding.

My love and thanks to the cast and crew of Critical Role. Rest well knowing you did a fantastic job, and I’ll see you in campaign 3.

PS: I know there’s a lot of tags, I want to make sure I cover all my bases so people don’t get spoiled if they have these tags blocked because I have been spoiled too many times by people who tag badly.

[oikawa-tuwu]

Linen Closet (gn!Reader x Kiyoko)

Rated G, 1.3k words

Not Home for the Holidays Masterlist

“Are you... crying in a linen closet?”

When you’re a child, crying is a catharsis. Stub your toe, cry a little, get up and keep playing. Pain, physical or emotional, was temporary, and tears were as good of a placebo painkiller as it got. It used to feel so good to cry. Children aren't exactly eloquent creatures when it comes to emotions or injuries, so when worst comes to worst… cry about it and keep going.

Eventually, crying becomes less of a catharsis and more of a guilty pleasure, except with less of the pleasure and more of the guilt. It might feel good in the moment, but, god forbid, you accidentally burden anyone else with your troubles, because, frankly, that would just be embarrassing for both parties, so crying is left for quiet nights in your cold bed or sniffles held back by a thread on your way home or, in this case, frustrated explosions of emotion in the linen closet of your bed and breakfast.

But we all grow up eventually.

Another shudder wracks your chest, a sob letting loose before you can clamp your mouth shut. You know, from unfortunate experience, just how thin the walls of this old house really are, and the last thing you want is for Maria, your employee, changing sheets next door, to decide to investigate those weird noises.

You try to take a calming breath. In. Out. In. Out. 

It's not so much breathing as it is wheezing, but it's getting oxygen in your lungs, so who are you to complain?

And then you think about it again.

It. Whatever the hell it is.  Money problems, relationship problems, mental health problems, all of the above problems piling on top of each other like a snowstorm until the front door won’t open-

Another whimper, about ten decibels louder than ideal, and you hold your breath and you hear footsteps. Pass, please. Pass this door and move on. Nothing interesting here.

The door opens.

For a second, all you see is a silhouette. About average height, skinny and lithe, like a runner, with dark hair. And then the light adjusts, and you see her face. She’s beautiful, no doubt about it, and with the halo your (slight) lightheadedness from the crying session, the scene is somewhat… holy… in nature.

But she’s frowning, and the worried expression is rather upsetting to see on such a beautiful face.

The woman asks, carefully, “Are you… crying in a linen closet?”

Your mouth, apparently working faster than your brain, asks, "Are you an angel?"

Silence. Well, mostly silence, because your brain is currently screaming.

"That was a weird thing to say. Sorry."

Thankfully, the woman laughs. She laughs, and you melt, firstly glad that she's laughing it off, but also because her laugh is melodic. "Trust me, that's not the first time I've heard that one. But... uh," she hesitates, looking you over, and you remember that five seconds you were bawling your eyes out. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," you say, and brush away the last of your tears. Thankfully, seeing her was enough of a shock to stop them for now, but you have a feeling you haven't seen the last of them today. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you worry. After all, I'm sure you didn't expect to spend your vacation dealing with an overly emotional host."

"You'd be surprised," the woman says, with a soft smile that speaks of a quiet inside joke, possibly, an inside joke for her alone. "Let's just say I've been in a somewhat similar situation before. My best friend used to have pretty bad anxiety. Actually, she's the one that checked us in yesterday, Yachi Hitoka?"

The name rings a bell. "Short, blonde, blushes a lot?"

"That's her."

Ah. You were wondering when you'd get to see the second of Yachi’s party, since she requested a room with two single beds. And here she was right in front of you. An angel on earth.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

An angel.

"No, thanks. It's sweet of you to offer, but..."

But you don't even know why you're crying.  It could be any number of things. Being (relatively) alone during the holidays, stress from your job, or just plain sadness and loneliness. Missing family, missing friends, wanting hot chocolate but knowing full well you ran out a week ago and haven't restocked yet. It could be any and all of those reasons and isolating a single culprit is nearly impossible.

“It’s just a lot,” you end up saying. “The holidays. Everyone likes to talk about the good parts, the food, the celebration, the presents… that you end up forgetting the bad parts too. Until they’re staring straight at you.”

No one likes to mention that your room feels colder in the winter without someone else there to warm it. No one likes to mention that your house feels emptier without the laughter and conversation of kin.  No one likes to mention the stress of throwing together a holiday dinner or coming up with the perfect gift idea or looking at your bank account and realizing you might need to rethink some things.

And there it comes again, that wave, and you blink, blink, blink, praying the tide will recede until the next time you get the chance to be alone. A cocktail of anxiety and guilt and salt slowly rising, rising, rising. This woman shouldn’t have to see you like this, you don’t even know each other, and honestly, it's a little unfair to burden one of your guests with your emotional problems and-

“You’re spiralling again, aren’t you?” The woman asks, in that soft voice of hers, and you wonder when you got so transparent that a literal stranger can tell when you’re close to breaking.

The dam cracks, and the tears start to fall again. “I’m sorry,” you manage to get out. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with this-”

Instead of saying anything, agreeing or disagreeing, the woman drops to her knees, crouching down next to where you’re sitting on the bucket. She looks up at you, her hand holding yours, and says, very softly, “Stop apologizing.”

Amazingly, you do. You close your mouth and let the tears flow, with the woman still there, offering hand squeezes and quiet company through your mental breakdown.

It’s… nicer than you expect it to be, just having someone there. She doesn’t say anything else, but you know she’s there to talk it out if you really needed to. For now, she’s willing to sit there and listen to your woes and remind you that there’s someone out there that does care when you’re struggling.

So you cry. You cry and the guilt and frustration slowly lessens and all that’s left of the broken dam is an empty reservoir.

It's… cathartic.

With her sweater sleeve, the woman wipes your cheeks dry. “Better?”

“Better,” you agree, and your mouth forms the first syllable of I’m sorry, before the woman gives you a look. “Thank you. For being here with me. I do have to say though, I would have liked meeting under different circumstances. I don’t think I look incredibly attractive mid-breakdown.”

The woman shrugs, and you see a little faint dusting of blush on her cheeks as she stands, offering a hand to help you off the bucket. “I think you might be surprised.”

You smile. You take her hand, and let her haul you to your feet.

“The name’s Kiyoko, by the way.”

“Y/n.”

“Well, Y/n,” Kiyoko says, that flush still on the tips of her cheekbones as she averts her gaze, a little self-consciously. “How about the next time you need a break, you come knock on my room door and we can go out and do something to take your mind off it?”

“I’d like that.”

Ngl, I had trouble writing this one because I wasn't sure if it would be relatable enough? But I figured of all years to talk about the worst parts of the holiday season, it was this one because oh lord do the holidays remind us that covid-19 sucks butt. Anyways, this is your reminder that you're allowed to feel sad right now. You might be separated from your friends and family or maybe you had to be laid off and money is tight, or maybe you just miss the way things used to be where we could go out and do things. Maybe the holidays just aren't for you, and the negative emotions weigh out the positive ones every year. All those feelings are valid, and take this as a sign to reach out to someone if you need to. My dms are always open if you need someone to talk to <3

[auspiciousinformant]

Core Character Ranking - No Straight Roads

At this point with the game having been out for well over four and a half months, I figure that with having a small piece of fiction under my belt, and with the fandom having cooled down from the initial release but still hot enough for content to steadily be coming out from the fanbase, now is a good time for me to share my thoughts on No Straight Roads - rather, what I call the Core Characters of No Straight Roads.

I call them this because they are the collective protagonist main characters and antagonistic bosses - not filling up one bucket or another quite satisfactory. I might even make this into a series if anyone cares enough to hear my thoughts on other pieces of fiction. If you’re interested, continue below the line.

Oh, also, spoilers for No Straight Roads if you still care about that.

Disclaimer before continuing onwards - I’ve never actually played No Straight Roads! I’m not exactly a person with enough wealth to throw at my own interests and hobbies, but I feel I’ve absorbed enough through culture osmosis, 100% walkthroughs of the game, and other people’s interpretations of the game to be able to make my own informed opinions on the characters.

Also, this isn’t a “bosses” ranking list - this is a character ranking list. Meaning that individuals are going to be ranked rather than the whole. For example, Sayu will be divided into the four members behind Sayu (hereafter refered to as “Team Sayu”) as well as Sayu herself. This also means I won’t fully go on the gameplay mechanics as I don’t have enough experience with it to make a fully informed decision. I will talk about what I’ve seen though.

With that in mind, we’ll be starting as all of these lists usually do, from the bottom ranking to the top: ________________________________________________________________ 20. Eve

Now, this may come as a shock, but I absolutely despise divas. Eve was entertaining enough, but through her videos she was only relatable and likable to me before she and Zuke broke up. Mostly because I could relate with her self-loathing and her found happiness.

Still... setting someone’s hair on fire? And then being confused as to why that happened? Then completely blaming the victim and using that mistake as fuel to shut out any other potential kindred relationship for the future? I’ve seen people who do that; it’s pathetic at best and annoying to see at worst. Thankfully, due to Zuke, she does eventually come around.

Her music and boss fight are interesting enough I suppose. I like how the perspective changes and I adore when you have to switch over to Mayday and it becomes a fully chaotic mess of limbs, doubt, hatred, and rage. I live for that chaotic aesthetic.

Otherwise, she’s just... the weakest character to me in No Straight Roads.

Maybe she’ll Eve-ntually earn my respect in supplementary materials.  ________________________________________________________________ 19. Sofa

The first member of Team Sayu I’m mentioning and he’s this low on the list. Ouch. Not to say that I hate him, the hate started and ended with Eve - he, along with the others don’t really have much of a personality canonically that I can see to judge him on. But in terms of his design, I’ve never been much of a fan of “overweight and silly” outside of Doctor Eggman/

Do not take this the wrong way. I am in NO way fatshaming ANYONE.

I just have never liked that design in fictional characters. See Hifumi Yamada from “Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc” for more on what I mean

Still, he’s a core member of Team Sayu and from the fanfiction I’ve read he’s one of the better characters to write with. Maybe if we got a spinoff or other related materials, he’d go up a few numbers in rank, but as it stands, he’s the weakest of the group.

Sofa-r so good, let’s move on before these puns go too far. ________________________________________________________________ 18. Mayday Yeah. I’m not a huge fan of Mayday herself. Hotheaded protagonists are fine here and there, but she’s so hot-headed I’m surprised that she didn’t have the fire aesthetic as well. I guess with it all being taken by Tatiana, they could only give her a warm color scheme so it wasn’t redundant.

Her gameplay seems fine, if a bit basic. The heavy hitter is also a hothead, who could guess. I kinda like how someone as scrawny and small as her also has the biggest heart and temper. Also the gags that come from her relating to the other bosses are hysterical and make for good protagonist material. Still, outside of her interaction with DK West, Zuke, and Team Sayu, as well as the very end of the game, there’s a lack of enough “heroic” traits that makes Mayday fall flat from just shy of ranking higher.

I don’t have a clever pun, joke, or one-liner for Mayday, so let’s go to the next person in my list. ________________________________________________________________ 17. DJ Subatomic Supernova I have never really liked disco or dance music at the best of times, but I love space. So what happens when you mix something I feel lukewarm to, something I absolutely adore, and combine it with a trait about a person I absolutely also despise?

You get space helmet man who likes fresh ice cream and goes on for minutes about how great he is and how everyone else around him are plebeians - not knowing how pretentious the stage name “Subatomic Supernova” is.

If I had made this list when I had first seen No Straight Roads, he’d be only just ahead of Eve just because I dislike her so much more than I hate egotism of DJ Subatomic Supernova. But he’s now gone higher on the list since he’s grown on me thanks to the fandom and me realizing the game is parodying the stereotypes and the industry of music. Also, Zuke’s drum solo is AMAZING with the EDM version of DJ SS’s theme. He’s even gone so far as to become half of my second favorite paring in the NSR fandom!

Shine on, you funky space man. ________________________________________________________________

16. DK West Ewah! Older of the two brothers by age, younger of the two by maturity. I absolutely love this goofball. His shadow powers are absolutely amazing to watch and while I normally don’t like rap outside of Eminem (and even then only select tracks), he grew on me a lot. He’s so unique and the culture he’s based on from what I understand was researched with a lot of respect and care.

I’ve heard (and seen) that the third fight ramps up the difficulty way too much, but considering that Mayday is attempting to repair a broken household, it makes sense it’d be such a heavy undertaking from a gameplay and story point.

Also DK West Encounter 1 is a smash hit, telling us everything we really need to know between DK West and Zuke while being an absolutely great song that reminds me of Epic Rap Battles of History for anyone that remembers that.

He overshadows his previous competition by a large margin, and I can’t wait to see more of him if that’s possible. ________________________________________________________________ 15. Yinu’s Mom As the real mastermind behind Yinu’s position in NSR, it suddenly makes so much sense as to why a literal child is in such a strict EDM hierarchy like NSR. What keeps her from going above and beyond this ranking isn’t anything more than just the pressure she puts on Yinu to perform. During the fight, and what I can only presume also happens outside of concerts in the universe of No Straight Roads, it seems like she entirely forgets the reason Yinu keeps playing the piano in the first place.

However, I am a huge sucker for family dynamics, and her stopping her assault due to the memories that Yinu was able to drag out of her through the broken piano by playing Heart of the Prodigy is enough to almost enough for me to reach the level of emotional catharsis as the ending of Pixar’s “Inside Out” did for me. And the way she shielded Yinu when they were falling, the gasp of fear that she might not survive the fall - just pure, amazing storytelling through “show, don’t tell”.

I will say, the more morbid part of me that enjoys things like Danganronpa, Your Turn To Die, and Nonary Games, had the thought of “if it weren’t for the fact that Mayday and Zuke also fell from that height and survived (and that this game is meant for younger audiences), Yinu would have became an orphan.”

Mother of the Year award goes to Yinu’s mom for being the most realistic, sympathetic, non-dead mom in fiction. ________________________________________________________________ 14. Yinu I love classical music, but I don’t really like children. Yinu is an exception to my general dislike of children. The promotion that was released before the game was a little eye-rolling, but it was also funny. Fortunately, in the game, Yinu is so much more mature and interesting than the promotional material lead us to believe. The way the piano plays plays in the base version of VS Yinu conveys just how talented she is at nine years old. It’s a shame that it slowly gets covered up by the EDM version as the battle goes on.

But her reasoning for playing the piano, through the photos you get from Yinu’s backstory is all the more reason to respect this literal child. She turned the loss of her music teacher and father into a shining passion for music. The piano being the very memento of her deceased dad - looking at the photos and then realizing what you did in shattering her piano creates a fantastic retroactive look at just how destructive Bunkbed Junction’s revolution really is to people.

We’re not even half-way down the list, and yet we already have great characters like this, so let’s keep looking. ________________________________________________________________ 13. Dodo There’s been a huge gap since the last Team Sayu member. So what makes Dodo so great compared to Sofa? Well, the deep voice that comes from the scrawny, blue man is funny to me. It caught me off-guard the first time I heard it and had me giggling for hours afterwards after I paused the video to regain my composure.

That, and mocap work is hard work. On top of that, though he’s mostly not the face everyone remembers when fans think of Sayu, it takes a lot of talent and self-confidence to dance like a cutesy mermaid despite being a male, at least in my opinion. So I see him as having high confidence, but also being like Zuke in the “chill and mostly quiet” department.

There’s not much else for me to say, since most of Team Sayu doesn’t have blatantly obvious character traits. So let’s move on. ________________________________________________________________ 12. Sayu Sayu herself is... well, not real. It’s like trying to judge any number of the Vocaloid/UTAU voice banks. Sure you can place any number of personalities and messages into it, but in reality she’s just been built as a “cutsie, wootsie, pink mermaid” idol.

Still, the personality that Team Sayu gives her is fantastic. Her fight is annoying, and lackluster even to watch, but her song is amazing in all of its forms, even if for me the vaporwave version is the least effective of all of them - and Analog Aquatics is the BEST lead-up song to it, even ahead of Heart of the Prodigy.

Hatsune Miku? Who’s that? I only see Sayu as the best Vocaloid. ________________________________________________________________ 11. Remi Technically the creator of Sayu in the first place and her designer, Remi seems to be the “all according to plan” type. To think that his passion for art would lead to a career such as NSR, and a close-knit friend group like Team Sayu. It’s something that I’m sure that every artist has had as their goal at one point or another.

I highly respect anyone with the ability to put their artwork out in public, both in real life and as a character. Even so, there are characters I like even beyond Remi, and once again, we don’t have much to go off of for him outside of the very few times we see him in Sayu’s battle.

Almost all of Team Sayu has been covered at this point - heck, even Sayu herself has already been covered. So where’s Tila you ask? Well, we’ll get to that, but not for a while. ________________________________________________________________ 10. Tatiana “Kul Fyra” Qwartz From the very moment we first hear her voice, we can tell she’s all business and order. When we watch all of NSR reject the rock music outright and listen to Tatiana’s speech afterwards? How she seems to disregard her artists own safety and prioritizing undermining Bunkbed Junction’s efforts just because she can’t bear to remember her old bandmates? Wonderfully selfish for a heartbroken character.

Also, for those who hate her time-oriented powers and how weakly linked they are to Tatiana herself? Consider this: She’s almost 50 years old by the time Bunkbed Junction starts their revolution. She’s lived long enough to be anyone in the cast’s mom - probably even old enough to be Team Sayu and Yinu’s grandma. She has only seen a progressive march of time erode at everything she ever loved and cared about.

The blazing passion within her is brought back to her through Bunkbed Junction’s actions, but through a reversal of time and a reflection of her memories. Bunkbed Junction literally shatters the world view that she constructed for herself to ignore the regret and pain that had been slowly eating her up inside without her ever even having fully realized it in the first phase. By the time Tatiana reverts back to using her Kul Fyra form, she’s trying so hard to list any number of reasons to ignore her past and focus on what little time she actually has left to work on the future.

This was a bit of a longer explanation and reasoning, but for a character as amazing and symbolically complex as Tatiana, she absolutely deserves it. And as you’ll see for the next character, this is only a fraction of my love for the characters of No Straight Roads. ________________________________________________________________9. Neon J And here we start with my absolutely favorite characters, the ones I not only enjoy reading and writing about, but that in canon I can wholeheartedly accept them for who they are, flaws and all.

My grandpa was in the navy, and to make a long story short there were some complicated things that happened that required me to live with both him and my grandma when I was really little. So already there’s something that I can latch onto and adore. Even with how cringy Neon J is at the end with him attempting to try to give an epic war hero speech, my grandpa can be the same way sometimes, and that’s okay. They kind of act similarly outside of that as well.

His design is so sleek and smooth, and sometimes I forget that he’s actually a cyborg, unlike his sons boyband creations. Normally I hate the military, war, and what it all represents at a cynical level, but when it’s portrayed in a way like No Straight Roads did for Neon J and 1010, it reminds me of the people who actually join to serve their country and the people in it, despite how few in their countries actually deserve their respect.

And yeah, I can already hear the “blah blah fiction is poorly portraying law enforcement/the military because ect ect”. I disagree. Think of it this way: Neon J is a fun example of what a leader in a military unit is. Not only that, he’s extremely loyal and willing to do what it takes to get the job done - including having a program inside 1010 that makes them explode when they fail to generate the requisite fan praise that’s likely required to keep 1010 merchandise flying off of the shelves and thus prove to the other NSR artists that even robot boybands can be used to help Vinyl City; AND use said robot boyband as weapons to fight off any threats - internal or external.

Also think about what he had to go through to become a cyborg. That means he likely had to replace everything that’s on the surface - imagine what he needed to replace underneath all of that metal. How much of his original body is left? How badly did the war he was involved in hurt him? How many comrades did he lose to try to recreate that feel in a boyband? Aren’t the implications of that so much more grand than the surface level “radar head man is bad representation of military people because he’s silly and ineffective at his job”. Furthermore, tell me of a person in the real world who lost so much of their body they literally had to become a cyborg that has a literal radar for a head.

On top of all of that he’s the second half of my second favorite pairing. Not that is has any major bearing on how great Neon J already is. Is it silly that Neon J tries to give a huge speech at the end when we know Bunkbed Junction is just trying to get to Tatiana? Yes. But it’s fun.

I salute the No Straight Roads team for creating such an amazing character . ________________________________________________________________8. Blue 1010 Robot | Purl-Hew Ah yes, now we start getting to what’s taking up most of the top 10 slots. Kind of funny that not all of the 1010 members are going into the top 5 slots with how much I ranted and raved about Neon J. But I have characters I like way more than most of the 1010 band members.

And yes, I’ll bring this up now since we’re actually talking about 1010, that will apply to all the members of 1010 so I don’t have to repeat myself: I already know that they’re meant to parody boy bands, pop bands, and how similar all of them are and ect ect ect. That doesn’t stop me from going “hee hoo pretty boys” at fictional characters. And, yes, I know they don’t canonically have names, but I’m going with what’s been accepted across the fandom. Also all of their body types are the same: I like them alot. They’re tall, in monochrome (hah, chrome), and the way they bob to the beat in their battle is fantastic and shows they are powered by music as much as any machine is in the universe of No Straight Roads.

Starting off with my least favorite of them, Purl-Hew just reminds me of Garnet from “Steven Universe”, which is not a bad thing. It’s just that outside of what we learn of Garnet, she’s a character I often forget exists. I think it’s honestly the shades and the blue, more square-like hair that makes me draw the comparison. Purl-Hew strikes me as the “cool” one. The one that recites his poetry in coffee shops and is the sensitive boy with a cold exterior. You know the kind of person I’m talking about.

Other than that, I like the 1010 branding on the side of his head. I normally don’t like hairstyles like that, but somehow with how it flows and how non-obnoxious it is, I actually find myself liking the hairstyle. Also coupled with the fact that I see him as the second eldest of all five of them, who likely cemented an identity for himself before the others, makes me like his entirety even more.

A cool dude deserves a cool transition, but since this isn’t a video, a line break will have to do. ________________________________________________________________7. Red 1010 Robot | Zimelu Zimelu is one of the ones that strikes me as the one that’s borderline trying to break free from the rest of the band and become his own artist. The mowhawk, the color red, even to what he’s likely supposed to represent in-universe. Many see him as having anger issues, and considering what 1010 is about coupled with, again the hair style and his color, yeah I can see why.

But I also see him having a somewhat tsundere side. Not overtly fully tusndere as “I-It’s not like I like you or anything!” but more of a “Hey, I got you [insert favorite food] to eat. Don’t read too much into it.” while looking off to the side to avoid seeing your reaction just because he’s not sure if he can handle the thought of him possibly being wrong and then seeing you be disappointed kind of tsundere.

I don’t see a lot of peices of work exploring this concept, and I’d love to see more of it - or heck, even other personality traits that could be lying under the rebellious design of him.

I see him as the middle child of the group, which could also add to the rebellious personality and anger issues. Not sure if anyone agrees with me on this though. ________________________________________________________________6. Yellow 1010 Robot | Haym Okay, so this is a bit weird. Haym is my second least favorite in terms of design, but third favorite because he’s supposed to be the sunny, shy, and sweet one. I see him as the second youngest of all of the 1010 members. Old enough to have experience and understand his purpose, but young enough to retain that childhood-like innocence and sweetness.

I think he’s content about his place in 1010. It’s not that he would slack off or anything, but he’d be the most comfortable with his identity out of all five of them, even years down the line. Where Purl-Hew has to upkeep his identity, Haym is fine just being who he is and happy that the crowd accepts him for who he is.

Also him saying “even your lips, which form that raaaaadiant smile~” made me smile like an idiot and my heart flutter when I first saw him - and don’t even get me started on his pose when he was saying that. So that probably has at least some bearing on his placement in this list. ________________________________________________________________5. Green 1010 Robot | Eloni Haym was weird for me to admit I still don’t fully like his design, but Eloni’s design is actually worse for me. I still don’t like the fact he looks like you could hang him on a Christmas tree or a keychain and not be out of place there. But as I learned more - especially the part where in-universe he’s the least-liked because he’s the prankster type, my heart melted for the guy.

While I myself am not a prankster or a fan of prankster types, sympathetic characters that are generally unliked in-universe for something minor or not their fault is something that will always get me to love a character. There’s also a lot of great fanfiction out there for Eloni, playing with the idea of jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, and the resulting love and support that inevitably follows from a strong supporting family.

Also, I see him as the youngest, and likely the one who thought it’d be a good idea to give everyone reindeer heads for the Christmas event instead of whatever was originally planned. The fans probably loved it anyways, even better than what was originally planned, but never knew it was Eloni’s messing around that gave them the toy-soldier-with-reindeer-heads 1010.

Second best 1010 boy deserves to be in the top 5 for all of this and more. ________________________________________________________________4. Tila Tila? You mean the one girl who only goes “pyun” a few times? The only one of Team Sayu that has any voice lines that are more than sobs, grunts, tremoring fear, and sounds of triumph?

Yes. That character. You want to know why?

First, lets start with her design. She wears an oversized hoodie and glasses - already two things I can relate to. The color contrast is just perfect between her hair, skin, and hoodie. Her design alone to me screams “high-functioning introvert”.

Her one line? Going “pyun” a few times? Absolutely adorable. I wanted to hear her say more lines, and the delivery of them being so uncertain filtered through a microphone to not come out that way as Sayu? She is definitely the shy one of the four of them. Also let’s not forget she’s Sayu’s voice actress in universe. Meaning that VS Sayu is something that Tila is singing.

Also, in the background material for Sayu, she’s the one that apologizes for using Remi’s art for one of her songs, and starts the collaboration with all four members of Team Sayu. It’s her story we follow. Not any of the other four members, though Remi does actually say something.

Though we don’t get much else of her, which prevents her from taking a spot in my top 3 picks, if we got just a little bit more from her, I’d definitely bump her to 3rd, maybe even let her take 1st. As it stands, compared to the rest of Team Sayu and Sayu herself, top 5 is nothing to sneeze at. ________________________________________________________________3. Kliff “No one like’s Kliff! He’s evil and bad!”

I mostly disagree with that statement, politely of course. Does no one like him? Seems that way in the fandom, but I like him. Is he evil? Yes, most certainly. Is he “bad”? Well, what’s the context of bad in this case? A bad plot-twist? A bad character? A bad guide? Not really. Well, except for the last part, possibly, but even then he’s still serviceable.

I mean take into context that Tatiana is Kul Fyra. On a first viewing, after having fought so many people after first meeting Kliff, most people would have forgotten that he, like Mayday, also likes Kul Fyra and was even there for her concerts. People who have insane memory would remember it, but for the rest of us, it probably came as a shock that Kliff would send a satellite into the NSR tower.

But he’s a fan that put Kul Fyra on a pillar, just like Mayday. He’d hoped that rock artists would get her back into rock music, to reignite the fire in her, so that he could enjoy her music again. He even says that he’s still her fan. He questions Tatiana “did my loyalty mean nothing to you?”.

And while yes, she didn’t technically owe him anything, the way that Tatiana shoots Kliff down so coldly after all of his attempts and his waiting - after she shut herself away from any potential future differing opinions and banning rock so she couldn’t remember the heartache - he snaps.

I’m not saying that Kliff was right, or that his reaction was fully justified. But imagine him saying he’ll be the strategic planner of NSR - after all, it was thanks to him that Mayday and Zuke got as far as they did. They knew what was coming ahead of time due to his advice. Mayday and Zuke would just be figureheads. It would be entirely realistic, and not make Kliff entirely evil.

Still, with all the hypotheticals out of the way, having an entirely selfish twist villain like Kliff was amazing. When you go through the entire story knowing how it will end on a second playthrough, suddenly his motives and what he says makes so much more sense.

I want to see (or maybe someday I’ll write) a redemption arc for Kliff. He’s not so fargone that I’d write him off as another villain for the sake of evil, but it would take actual work and effort. It’s something I look forwards to seeing in the far future.

Though he is also fun to see as an antagonist in all of these stories I read about him. ________________________________________________________________2. Zuke On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d rank Zuke an 11. From his design, to his animations, to his background, his voice, his lines - everything is an 11/10 for me.

Starting with design again, normally I’d dislike the major contrast such a saturated green against a saturated blue. But there’s other bits in Zuke’s design - his red eyes, the fact that his clothing is a good neutral base to draw away from the chaos of colors of his head - only to lead back into what looks like ultra-comfortable blue-and-green flannel with dark blue flats? It all screams the perfect chill dude to hang out with.

His personality matches too. He’s laid-back, wise, rational, humble, and kind. Almost the perfect man in every way. Though he has his limits, especially when it comes to DK West, and he’s not always the most intelligent at times. Sometimes he takes a minute to put two-and-two together, especially when he’s under pressure and nervous.

And his drumsticks being used as a walking cane when he’s not battling, admitting that it’s NSR property - recognizing that NSR itself is not bad, it just needs change. He doesn’t generally talk smack unless, again, it’s DK West. He probably says less than Mayday does out of the two, but I wasn’t counting. I was just thankful that he was talking at all, attempting to be the voice of reason in situations, telling Eve he was wrong for leaving so suddenly (even though he’s not at fault for his hair being set on fire), reconciling with DK West after Mayday gets them to talk about their feelings to each other - he experiences the most growth over the longest period of time.

In fact, it feels like we’re witnessing Zuke’s entire story through the eyes of Mayday. Sure, Mayday has a stake in the conflict, and a small bit of growth, but none nearly so much as the jolly green giant between them. Heck, he’s so good that he made DJ Subatomic Supernova’s music actually sound good.

If this wasn’t enough, he’s also one half of my favorite pairing. Where’s the other half? Where he belongs of course. ________________________________________________________________1. White 1010 Robot |  Rin Look guys, my favorite character of No Straight Roads is finally here. Let me be the ideal fan and give him my utmost attention.

ATTENTION!

Hoo boy have I been waiting to talk about Rin! His design is the one that I love the most despite how simple and obviously pandering it is. I mean come on, he’s got the kind of hairstyle that just screams “typical emo/scene/goth/pop leader” without the sweeping bit of hair in front of the eye like Haym’s or other emo/scene/goth hair styles. He has no unique colors to himself (white and black are technically not colors). Heck, as a robot meant to parody pop/boybands, he technically should be the most bland and uninteresting part of 1010.

But that’s where you’d be wrong. Rin is the one who leads the flirting attempt against Mayday. Rin is the one who is focused on the most of all the 1010 members when the cutscenes play. Rin is the one who’s talking the most in the promotional video for 1010 and No Straight Roads. Even though Zimelu takes up most of the spot in the in-game photo op, Rin is the second most noticable. In the “wefies” the 1010 members make in the promotional video, Rin is front and center.

Rin is the poster child. Meaning he has the most mounting on him of all the members of 1010. And this can manifest in any number of interesting character traits. I’ve already written an (as of posting this review) three chapter fanfic on Rin and his dynamic with not only the other half of my favorite pairing, but also his dynamic with Neon J, and how both Zuke and Neon J view Rin - through what I perceive how Rin actually feels and acts when he’s not on stage.

I could probably do an entire 20 minute review on why Rin is the single-best character of No Straight Roads, both in and out of canon, but I don’t have the tools for it. And as a side note, the guitar solo that Mayday can play over the song is the single-best of all the guitar solos, the second being the one against Yinu - and that deep passion for 1010 is reflected well in the guitar solo.

Zuke may be an 11/10, but Rin is a perfect 10/10 - and I wouldn’t have it any other way . ________________________________________________________________Afterwords Finally, after an entire 4 hours of writing, I’d like to hear your thoughts on all of this, if you’ve made it this far.

What did you agree and disagree with? Feel free to comment if you want.

As for me, I think I’ll continue to browse the work of the fandom, keep an ear out for any future updates or sequels, and rock on with the amazing soundtrack of No Straight Roads jamming loudly in my ears.

Rock on fellow No Straight Roads fans! Or whatever genre you prefer to listen to.

[pennylogue]

thoughts on some details in prickly pear. mostly steven’s arc, because that’s where we all are with this show right now, don’t deny:

-remember when people (including me) thought that steven gardening would be a healthy effort to reconnect with his humanity, only for it to be crashed by his cactus? 

steven: “me time? i’m hardly alone! look at all of these plants that i’ve sublimated my unceasing need to care for other people into! isn’t it great how they, unlike sapient beings, won’t leave me?” 

-like i’ve seen so many parallels drawn between his behavior and white diamond’s behavior in this episode, it would take forever to list them all.  but needless to say, it’s extremely unnerving. he wants a perfect, stagnant little world where he’s in control of everything and that is not by any means okay. 

but like, i’m so here for it. they are breaking steven down thoroughly and from six different directions, and it’s absolutely fantastic. hey, we got this with like...every other significant character. that’s why they’re such good characters. and it plays into steven’s identity issues, which is just...delicious. this is such a toxic whirlpool, and it’s really getting to him. 

-and another gem appearance goes by with me screaming at the gems as they exit to stage an intervention, to please don’t go, stay back and force him to accept the help he thinks he doesn’t want and doesn’t know how to ask for.

-steven is bothered by how the gems aren’t “impressed”. not only is this a massive misread of what’s going on, it’s kind of an interesting insight into steven. dude hasn’t felt like he had to impress the gems in literally seasons...probably because he was doing something important at the time, and felt like he was a part of the crystal gems. that he had a purpose. it all circles back, huh?

-and he wants approval, so of course he goes to the gems, and they give it to him. and it’s fucking cute, if a little worrying that he’s still so heavily depending on magical qualities to get approval from the gems.

-steven needs a fucking therapist. dude says how great the beach is because it never changes (which is also just...not true, beaches change constantly because that’s how nature works, HUH) and then starts venting to a sapient cactus. honey.

-steven, paraphrased: “who am i to decide what’s best for everyone? everyone’s better off learning from the rest of the crystal gems. i used to be helpful, but nobody needs me anymore. Hhhh, why, do I need to be needed!? Steven, pull it together!”

ho boy we got some shit to unpack there. @fanfoolishness has compared steven to a shark that needs to keep swimming or it’ll drown, so here we have the shark being told to stop swimming. as far as steven’s subconscious is concerned, despite him factually knowing he’s gotta chill, he can’t stop swimming. he’s gotta keep it together so he’ll be available when, not if, people need help. and if they won’t ask for help, he’ll project his own issues into them. he can’t stop. he knows that, he’s so sure of it.

if he does--he’ll drown.

-”hhh, i’m so sorry to dump this on you.” leave it to steven to apologize for venting to a cactus.

-”and he said my name.” god pearl i love you so much.

-steven’s thoughts manifesting as something that hurts to touch. HMMMM...

-steven has such skewed perceptions of how his moms are gonna react, it’s actually painful. pearl wouldn’t fall apart on him, because she’s grown past that. amethyst and garnet would want to help him, not give him haughty advice--and if he made it clear that’s how it was coming off, they would try to change their behavior. but steven can’t criticize them. he locks all his negative thoughts about others away and lets them eat at him. combine that with him being needed to therapist people to help them = they can’t grow without them, combine that with amethyst being so obviously happy and satisfied and mature to the point where she’s trying to help him when he used to help her...

ho boy.

-i’ve seen people draw parallels to pink’s behavior when he boxes off the cactus for trying to spill his secrets. tbh, this is how i see pink. flailing and following through on misguided instincts. it sucks to see steven going down this road...in that case, it’s good that he can notice how messed up they are and take a second look at them before it’s too late. boy’s messed up, but he’s not as messed up as rose quartz. HOORAY. 

*pathetic little burst of confetti*

-”why’d you stay all this stuff? why’d? 

“oh you know why’d.” 

it’s that kind of thing where you can admit your feelings to yourself...but you can’t look at them too closely, right? they’re too ugly. but he knows they’re there.

-and of course he doesn’t want help from amethyst. not when it comes with the possibility of pity. and he does not want pity, remember? he’s not pitiful! there’s nothing wrong with him!

-the gem’s being worried about steven...like, you gotta understand, his first priority is for the gems to not be worried about anything. so if they’re worried about him, that’s him screwing up as bad as he could screw up.

-steven springs from worry over cactus steven to anger in the time it takes for cactus steven to say “what’s wrong with you!” HONEY.

-“i wish you wouldn’t talk!” yeah it really sucks when your toxic feelings can’t be easily suppressed and shut down, despite the fact that boxing up feelings causes them to become warped and twisted and it’s only when you let them out into the open they can grow and blossom properly and then leave you.

oh wait.

-so steven maybe thought he had diamond mode on lockdown. or more likely, he’s just too angry to care. like, when you’re angry, you don’t care about lashing out. you don’t care about the terrible things you’re saying...until you’re not angry anymore. and then you care. if you’re steven, you care too much.

wonder if diamond mode was what gave cactus steven that extra jolt to grow so much?

-the slow, careful way steven sets cactus steven down as soon as pearl calls him is. just. so worrying.

-IT LITERALLY BREAKS OUT BECAUSE IT CAN’T STAY LOCKED UP ANYMORE, IT’S TOO BIG AND ANGRY. 

-steven slicing up cactus steven with that shield is...probably one of the most violent uses we’ve seen of his shield. 

-”why don’t you come back in, oh, let’s say, a couple of hours, for ne reason whatsoever?” su has no patience for sitcom rules XD

-amethyst, at cactus steven: “cool.” they aren’t going to attack his thoughts on sight, even if they seem strange. it’s only when cactus lashes out that they’re going to fight it.

-sweet, sweet catharsis. look how surprised the gems are when cactus repeats all the things steven has said. feels good to have some of this steam let out of the boiling teakettle that it steven universe right now.

-on one hand, steven has to embrace his dark thoughts and let himself get feel the pain of them so they can finally make peace with him, turn into something better, and leave.

on a less metaphorical perspective, though, this does feel a lot like old su in a worrying way. steven has to help someone else be okay, even if it means he takes collateral damage. sure, this time the negative feelings were on him, but to me, it feels like it’s not going to shake steven out of caretaker mode in the way that he obviously needs to.

like, he learned to be less aggressive towards people who don’t deserve it, but i don’t feel like he’s learned to...you know...not repress everything so that doesn’t happen. what, is he just going to try to contain his emotions even harder? 

-like,  you could take that closing line two ways. “I think i’ve said enough.” one way, he could be looking at all of this collateral damage and decided he’s gonna zip up even more. but also, i’ve seen @faelapis say that steven thinks enough of his inner thoughts have been put out into the world that there’s no going back, and this is him acknowledging it.

it could be either. it could be both. who the hell knows.

-god but seriously that depressed way he says “i think i’ve said enough.” a hand to zach calliston, who’s voice acting this season has been ludicrously good.

-but wow, this episode went heavy into steven. i feel like even after all this, i’ve not really managed to sum up the turmoil that’s rolling around inside of him. identity issues, self-loathing, controlling behavior, misplaced aggression and violence, inability to process change, not wanting to inconvenience those he cares about with his problems, it’s a wonderfully balanced cocktail where each issue brings out the worst in the other issues. 

he’s getting dragged downwards by it, and he needs an intervention. cause there’s no digging himself out of this on his own.

-like the entirety of steven universe, yeah, he was getting traumatized. season 4 and season 5 were especially brutal. we all knew it. we all joked about.

i just didn’t, you know, expect them to address it in canon.

[itsclydebitches]

I'm just curious. Do you ever feel like people processed their outrage over vol 7 in your ask box? Also one quick question for you. The 'military is bad' take is kinda weird considering every season up to this point slammed home that the de-unified huntsman society of other kingdoms was easily overwhelmed by Salem. Plus, if Atlas is weird because it combined its military and huntsman, what the heck is every other kingdom using its own separated military for??

Sometimes! Which, for the record, isn’t automatically a bad thing. God knows I processed my frustration via the recaps/answers. Asks are just an extension of that. But yeah, when we’re upset about something (even a “meaningless” something like a web-series) one of the easiest ways to feel better is to express that frustration to someone who shares your opinion. Though sadly that means that if I don’t share their opinion the anon might not be getting what they came for. Some people want my take on an aspect of the show. Other people assume they already know my take and are confident in going, “This was just the worst, right?” ... and then when I respond with, “I actually don’t think that was a problem” they’re disappointed. Just because they were looking for that catharsis and didn’t get it. It doesn’t happen often because it’s pretty easy to tell where I stand on most of these topics (lol), but every once in a while I do get a case of an anon essentially going, “I’m frustrated by this! Let’s process it together!” and I’m on a completely different wavelength of, “I’m not frustrated at all because I quite liked that part.” 

Also yeah, as always the world building here is... iffy lol. Do we even know if other kingdoms still have a military? I kind of got the sense that Huntsmen weren’t just separated from them, but were their replacement. Which, fine. We’ve certainly seen throughout the show that one Huntsmen is worth 50 regular soldiers. If it works, it works. However, what I find to be a problem is how the ‘military is bad’ theme ignores the actual issues we see with Atlas’ armed forces as well as ignoring its strengths: 

I’d argue that the most concrete moment of ‘this isn’t working’ occurs when Ironwood brings his army to Beacon. However, Ozpin doesn’t say, “James it’s horrible that you have an army.” He specifically criticizes how the army is used: it scares people. You shouldn’t use such a heavy hand when a lighter touch will do. Especially when fear breeds dissent and brings grimm. So what does Ironwood do? When he’s put into a position where an army is necessary - we have very few Huntsmen and grimm keep swarming the city - he nevertheless tries to lessen fear as much as he can. He puts Penny on the front lines, giving the people a figurehead. That’s his light touch. Whenever he can he sends her in to protect civilians, both because she’s wonderfully powerful and because a cute girl rescuing you is better than the men in armor. Which brings me to the army’s strength: 

Namely that they’re the numbers Huntsmen desperately need. Sure, Ruby can carve through a ton of grimm in a minute, but how long can she keep that up? How many places can she reach? She - and her friends - certainly can’t be everywhere at once. Ironwood’s men may not be particularly powerful, but their weapons can take out the swarms of grunt grimm that, frankly, would tear open the average civilian. Someone without aura and training doesn’t care if that’s an itty bitty baby grimm or the biggest bad they’ve ever seen: they’re dead either way. The grimm are themselves an army. That means you need an army to hold them at bay, especially when you consider the size of an entire city. You need those numbers to take out as many grimm as possible while your grand total of 17 huntsmen are doing the heavy lifting. Like needing 3 or 4 to take out one massive grimm. While they’re doing that? Smaller grimm are getting by and killing people. So you need a line to hold them back. Even if it’s just holding them back. As we saw at the beginning of the volume, the men kept the grimm at bay long enough for civilians to run and for RWBYJNR to arrive on the scene. They might not be able to kill grimm like a Huntsmen can, but their job is still very important. 

Problem is, the story doesn’t take either of these things into account. Neither how Ironwood tries to take Ozpin’s advice nor the benefits that the army provides. RWBY provides an incredibly simplistic view of, “The army looks menacing walking the streets so therefore it’s bad.” Which, frankly, is a knee-jerk reaction built on real world politics as opposed to RWBY’s own worldbuilding and context. In our world armies are unnecessarily violent. In our world armies are corrupt. In our world armies commit heinous crimes and abandon their soldiers once they’ve left. There is a LOT wrong with real world armies, perhaps including their existence at all. In RWBY’s world though, all we know about Ironwood’s army is that a) it exists and b) it’s helping save lives. Literally. This isn’t - like our world - one army of people set against another army of people. It’s an army set against monsters. We do not have monsters in our lives, threatening to eat people if someone with a gun (or a scythe) isn’t there to cut them down. That’s why our reality can’t map onto RWBY’s, but it’s what RT banks on. They want people to have that instinctual reaction of, “Armies are bad. Authorities are bad. A white man holding a lot of power is bad. I know this because these things are causing a lot of problems in the real world,” without acknowledging that RWBY has very, very different issues. An endless army of grimm that can tear apart anyone without aura changes things. As does the threat of an immortal grimm queen hell bent on their destruction. You can’t rely on your audience’s experiences with real world armies and then apply that to the situation, “Massive, fanged beasts are coming to eat everyone!” I get that the core group are our heroes here, but it makes total sense that a world wouldn’t rely entirely on Huntsmen to protect them. Especially when we’ve seen/heard of a ton of Huntsmen die. They have low numbers to begin with and it’s not like they’re all sticking around... When you’re dealing with something like the grimm, you need all the help you can get. 

[mysterylover123]

BNHA Rewatch: Episode 61 “Deku vs Kacchan Part 2″

 mysterylover123

O.T.P.

This is gonna get kinda emotional.

Deku is turning Kacchan’s fight proposal down. Dammit Deku! He’s being serious!

Hoo boy that Kacchan face. No light in his eyes. That realization, just…just bleeding through…hoo boy.

“If the way you admired him was correct, does that mean my way of thinking was wrong?” OMG ITS HAPPENING. HE’S REALIZING IT YA’LL.

The flashbacks to bb Deku and Kacchan the feels.

The white void, it’s just the two of them. 

That Deku line from the first episode. I’m transported right back, ya’ll. It’s that first love again, that same feeling I had when I first discovered this series all the way back in summer of last year.

So Deku starts by thinking too hard about what’s going on and immediately gets blasted.

“You think too much” hoo boy recently Mother’s Basement posted the analysis of this fight and pointed out that this is actually a flaw of Deku’s that he can learn to remedy by adopting some of Kacchan’s impulsiveness. Never has the phrase “you complete me” been more accurate.

This freaking animation. It’s so beautiful. OMG.

“Wait for me” OH MAN BB DEKU BB KACCHAN RUNNING I’M DEAD I AM DYING

Cause he loves ya you dope.

Cute overload

WHY WHY WHY hoo boy Kacchan flashbacks.

Dat little trip oh man. He’s so bummed Deku doesn’t wanna fight and Deku’s little kick actually knocked him down.

Ooh boy. Here it comes. The music went out

Hold his freaking hand some day dammit

Oh god I can’t watch this again I can’t I can’t

“why is to you became strong…while I - “ OH GOD HERE IT COMES HERE IT COMES

OH GOD. Slow clap. Okamoto and Chapin both deserve freaking awards for that performance. I mean holy shit. That voice acting. Those cracks. That hit. It makes me cry. I’m tearing up right now. Cause you see, this whole episode, it really rests on the ability of Bakugou’s Seiyuu and VA to pour everything into the performance. It’s not going to hit without both of them giving the vocal acting performance of a lifetime, and they both knocked it out of the freaking park. I actually love them both as his voice; I don’t have a preference for dub over sub, as regards their performances (not the dialogue translations), because both are incredible. Just. Slow clap. All of the awards, please.

Look at how Deku looks at him. He’s the best. He just…he cares, so much. I mean, you’d admittedly have to be a pretty heartless bastard not to feel a little compassionate after hearing that speech but still. Kacchan’s so fucking lucky he has Deku and he doesn’t even know it. I want one too.

He’s crying. Me too.

Kacchan no Kacchan no nononononono 

Oh god Deku you beautiful darling

“may not be any meaning” I DISAGREE THIS IS THE CULMINATION OF AN ENTIRE SERIES’ WORTH OF 100+ SYMBOLIC CHAPTERS DETAILING YOUR GROWTH FROM ANGRY YELLING RIVALS TO RIVALS WHO SUPPORT EACH OTHER DAMMIT IT’S EVERYTHING

“May not be any meaning in winning or losing” lol are you just saying that in hindsight, Future Deku, cause you know you lost?

Deku didn’t have to do this. He didn’t have to fight Kacchan or even let him know the truth.

And note, he didn’t accept until he realized there was someone he could save. Someone who needs saving, to be helped. And this is how to help him.

“The only one who can accept his feelings is me.” Ya’ll heard that haters? Say it a little louder for the people in the back, Deku. He’s got his heart.

And look who’s smiling again, eyes lighting up again, the minute Deku started fighting back?

“I couldn’t just completely reject him” Guess who also sad that about their fiery spiky blond spouse in BNHA? Kacchan’s dad in that omake about their marriage.

Their relationship was wrong, but now it’s right. 

They never talked about how they really felt. Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, folks. Go on. Talk about your feels. Your real feelings.

Of that was one hell of a hit.

That speedy recovery though. Deku is fast. 

Oh wow Kacchan hit it too

That smile. That smile OMG that is THE HOTTEST, by far, that Deku has ever looked in animation. And I don’t say that lightly.

The translation here is either “I’ve” or “you’ve” gotten stronger. Both fit fine, which is the crazy part. Deku could be either saying that he himself has improved, or complimenting Bakugou, which does admittedly make more sense with what he was saying before, while ‘I’ve’ fits his cocky grin here better. I want him to flash a cocky grin more. It suits him. (BTW The English Dub compromises between the two and says’ we’ve both’.

Katsuki assumes Deku has a plan. Always overestimating him.

“That’s what I hate about you” OMG HE FINALLY TELLS HIM HOW HE FEELS. “I can never tell what you’re thinking” Because ya know he’s so good at understanding how everyone else thinks and feels.

He’s always being mean to Deku. Deku has seen him at his very worst and yet still admires him. Maybe that’s scary, you know? Unconditional love is…kinda terrifying. But so, so beautiful. So he has to rationalize it that Deku is just looking down on him.

Wow Deku sure took you long enough! He’s been saying that since day 1!

“I wouldn’t want anything to do with them anymore” Deku there you go being empathetic and wonderful and perfect again. So understanding you darling, darling boy.

 “Along with the parts I hated about you, I saw all the amazing things you could do.” THAT’S ADMIRATION, FOLKS. ADMIRATION WITHOUT IDOLIZATION. Without hero-worship. Acknowledging the good and the bad. Seeing a person for who they really are and always, always seeing the best of them, even at their worst.

“MUCH CLOSER TO ME THAN ALL MIGHT” Do you hear him guys? The closest person to him, closer than All Might. Closer than his freaking #1 favorite hero. The dub version has “actually in my life”, which isn’t a bad idea either. Both are true. That is so powerful. The person who

Oh yeah and again how does Deku advance in power? How does he Go Beyond? KACCHAN. Full cowling, he found from him. OFA itself, he gained by saving him. And 8%.

THAT SMILE. “I thought you were amazing.” He loves you you idiot. 

He kept chasing after him. He’ll never stop. He won’t just give up.

He passed him. And Bakugo looks happy. Possibly because he wants Deku to do better. Possibly because it seems to be confirming his might-makes-right theory. Possibly both.

ANIMATION-GASM AGAIN. 

AHAHAHAHAHAH ITS THAT CUT ITS THAT CUT DEKU’S DANCING FEET

THE VOID AROUND THEM IT’S JUST YOU AND ME 

AND THE BLOCK OMG THIS IS BEAUTIFUL THIS IS THE MOST FREAKING BEAUTIFUL ANIMATION IVE EVER SEEN

I’m serious. They brought out all the stops for this one. Of course. they knew, they had to know, that this was it. The animation, too, had to be perfect, or else it wasn’t gonna come across. And it is. Even better, in my opinion, than the animation in the stuff that came before it. Bones you are incredible. 

Higher gear. Can anyone doubt that Katsuki is important to Deku’s journey after this?

“This is gross, so I can’t say it”.. “I love you?” A reactor I follow actually said that after that line. That’s how intense they are.

Anyway IMAGE OF VICTORY SPEECH. The Ep that keeps on giving. 

Kacchan is his image of victory. The other side of him. And he adopts some of his traits.

“The part of you I hate and yet” How much love can you have for a person when you can somehow still admire the darkest, meanest parts of them? I don’t have a very perfect definition of love but I think that’s probably a big part of it.

“my image of victory is of you” feels overload. Feels O.D. 

dat crane shot.

My one disappointment with this episode is that they used the US of Smash OST instead of the Katsuki and Izuku OST for this scene. CMON GUYS. SERIOUSLY. THE KATSUKI AND IZUKU THEME HAD TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN FOR THIS EPISODE AND THIS MOMENT ALONE. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING. 

“I have to beat you” the music the feels omg

Hahaha psych. Kacchan wins anyway. 

WOOF. Like OK this is in the manga, this positioning, but it’s only for one frame. In the anime it goes on for like, an uncomfortably long time, with the slow panting, and the close-ups on the twisting body parts, and…combined with the fact that all of Deku’s admiring girlfriends in this arc have also landed on top of him in a similar pose, and you can’t blame me for the fact that my mind went into rather…R-rated territory. 

Kacchan’s disappointed. He didn’t want Deku to lose. He wanted Deku to win.

That breaking  voice again. Don’t make me cry more dammit it’s too late.

ALL MIGHT! I need an MST3K style All Might commentary-reaction to this entire damn thing. Seriously Hori. If you ever do an extra, please make one that’s a serious of All Might panel reacting to this whole thing. I NEED THAT. 

Finishing each other’s sentences again.

“It’s too late” IT’S NEVER TOO LATE YOU CYNICAL PORCUPINE.

This is such a great moment of catharsis. Why Deku indeed? Well, you’re about to learn.

THAT LINE DELIVERY AGAIN. That Broken voice. Both voice actors are too good.

Deku’s legs though. WOWSA. A little detail I’ve noticed is that Kacchan has really buff, sexy arms and Deku has really buff, sexy legs. Because those are the body parts they use, while the reverse parts are more average.

“I’m weak too” You’re making me weak I can’t take it. His voice his voice that fucking voice

DEKU’S EYES. THEY’RE WELLING. 

HE’S GONNA CRY TOO.

I also need an All Might in my life. I kinda blame myself all the time for things outside of my control. Deku AND Kacchan both blamed themselves for what happened. For All Might’s end. And neither one was really responsible, but they’re just like that. I relate, painfully, to both of them. I have a Deku side and a Bakugo side - deep down, I think we all do. Maybe one more than the other, but that’s what you get when you create two characters who initially act as kind of…distilled embodiments of two sides of the super-hero coin. One all super with no hero, the other all hero with no super - at least, at the beginning.

THAT PIANO MUSIC IT SOUNDS FAMILIAR. IT’S ALL MIGHT’S FREAKING THEME YA’LL!

Ooh boy All Might’s BKDK Speech! Both of their teachers ship them, you guys. All Might AND Aizawa both give big, beautiful speeches about their compatibility. In case you somehow missed it. 

Being fixated on victory like you, young Bakugou…and wanting to save those in trouble, like you, young Midoriya…both of those feelings are necessary.” “You guys are perfect for each other”, says the reactor I mentioned earlier (who isn’t even a hardcore BKDK shipper, mind you, it’s just that it’s that obvious.) And it’s true. You need both. They want each other, they need each other, because they have what the other lacks. They complete each other.  

This is the shonen rival equivalent of having the couple in a rom-com confess at the end of act one instead of act three. It upsets all the cliches and is all the better for it. Though even the most hardcore, dedicated anime rivals, I don’t think have ever gone this married-couple with the ‘mutual respect’ and ‘making each other stronger’ thing.

WIN AND SAVE SAVE TO WIN. They look each other in the eyes.

Oh god not that voice again I’m dying. Don’t make me cry again Kacchan.  

“Don’t lose.” SUPPORTIVE KACCHAN I LOVE SUPPORTIVE KACCHAN.

“I’ll get stronger” CONFIDENT DEKU I LOVE CONFIDENT DEKU. 

“Of the students only you.” ONLY YOU. 

I put this moment really high on my list of Kacchan’s nicest moments, because it means a lot to me and to All Might. All Might acknowledges it. He’s a good secret keeper.

Oh and Deku thanks him too in the English Dub, BTW. Not the manga but nice dub touch. 

OMG he’s such a Tsundere.

He told him everything. HE KNOWS. The only one who knows. None of Deku’s other love interests do. And he has no interest in telling them. 

Kacchan asks why he told him. And I’ve got an answer, after obsessively rereading Chapter 11/rewatching Episode 8 a lot: BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU, YOU IDIOT. You were mad at him for lying about his quirk to you. You asked what was going on (loudly). You accused him of lying to you your whole life. So he told you the truth. Because he can lie to his mom, and he can lie to his friends and teachers and the entire freaking world. But he cannot lie to YOU. Because he loves you. Idiot baka. 

Oh and what’s that music playing there? Why does that sound familiar? YOU SAY RUN YOU SAY RUN YOU SAY RUN IT’S BACK. And you know? That’s I think because YSR symbolizes Deku’s heroic inspiration. The inspiration he both takes in and gives to others. And here, he’s both being inspired by Kacchan, and inspiring him at the same  time.

Now Kacchan is doing the same. “Chosen one” He knows. Deku is better. He’s gotta surpass him.

LOL THIS IS FUNNY. THEY SURE BICKER LIKE THEY’RE MARRIED.

This shot composition. Get it? ALL MIGHT’S THE THING BETWEEN ‘EM.

Oh and this. Yay some character development from Kacchan! Another nice moment of his in this ep. Three times! 

All Might Meta’s a bit about how Kacchan took responsibility and felt bad and does a Mom guilt trip on Dadzawa. They’re getting to be kinda married too now.  

“I went in pretty HARD”. OMG stop it you’re making me think bad things again. Just F*CK already.

Their first act as a married couple is to clean the house together. OMG domestic fluff. 

And now for the best Post-credits scene ever. 

Wow Uraraka ships it so bad. 

Oh and some Todobaku bonus! Aw I guess Bakugou just turned down his 3some offer. 

Ooh awkward silence. 

YAY! Though they did kinda wreck it by having Deku bring it up instead of Kacchan 

NOW THEY’RE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE HUMAN BEINGS.

Kacchan just praised me. Life is good.

Episode 61 is my favorite episode of my favorite show. I think it’s the best and will never be topped. Feels, left and right. It’s really just perfect. Funny, all 3 of the transcendent, best-of-the-best BNHA eps (This, 49 and 23) are basically just two characters fighting for 20 minutes. Nothing more or less. Yet they’re all so, so good. And this one is…I don’t even know how to put it into words. It’s a phenomenal tour-de-force of acting, visuals, animation, music, and of course, writing, all combining together to be just absolutely unsurpassable. Everything that makes this series good, boiled down to it’s essence. And yes, this did seal the deal for me with BKDK. I liked it before, but this made it a done deal. No going back. And I love it.

BEST GIRL OF THE EP: Uraraka for being so supportive.

RANKER: Top 5 Best Moments of This Episode: (it’s really more like a top 50)

5. Deku’s little Dance number

4. True Rivals at Last

3. True feelings at last

2. The Image of Victory Speech

1. “Why did I become...”

[sassaetcie]

Silver x Idia (The Molten Charcoal) chapter 7 [END]

Finally the end of the fic!!! (spoiler: big weeb reference, I apologize if you find this cringe bruh)

Okay so... I kind of... played videogames all night (lol). Couldn't sleep and all. Of course if I had been to sleep during the date... it would have been awful but... I still went like this... I could... have asked Ortho to bring Silver into my room immediatly but... that would have been too much. I mean... It pains me to go outside but... How far would have I annoyed anyone if I had? I had trained myself to go out of my room anyway so... This shouldn't have been that hard. Sure water was killing me, and I was butchering this very water but... My steps felt... mine. Not a heavy haze or this kind of shit. This was no longer intoxicating smoke. My legs, my hands, my arms, my fingers. I had... took back these... things. Were they things any longer? I... kind of did something weird, too. I mean... was it weird? Of course it was since it was me (www) but... I still can't tell if it was... smart, at least. I... wanted to prove Silver this day was important and... not that it was just... another 'date'... Well it was another date but. Not like this... I... wore my ceremonial robe. I mean! Not to show off... But it has a hood so... I could hide my hair and all... Sure it was stupid, it was stupid, it was so fucking stupid?! It was both a Sneak +100 and Sneak -100 outfit... Or did some people wear it before... for the ceremony day aside? I... just wanted to wear a... pretty outfit... to show him how... I... feel things for him? So... I did. The hood felt comfortable, and still does. Of course... the flames could still set it ablaze if something were to happen... or make it happen. So I... wrapped my hands in the black, frozen, cloth. I strangled this body with all of this dark, sun-absorbing fabric. I couldn't master all of these limbs so far but I... was slowly getting how to handle them, right? I just needed to be... sure. That none of them would go their way. I asked of my fingers to go and fuse with a brush, to let some of these normal drops mix with this hair yet-to-be mine. A sound appeared in the room. The brush had fallen down, as it should. Yet I... grabbed some air with these fangs of mine. Yeah, I could, at least. In the worst case, it would have been my... last date. So... it was just the (current? www) final showdown! I needed only to create some steps and carve them through reality. I was able to interact. I drag these bones, these diamond and dry bones. I certainly could do something with this basis. My tibia obeyed. My backbone obeyed. My skull obeyed. This basis of bones... My bones arrived, linked with this weak flesh ready to cry under the heat, pine over water. We... I... entered the shadow once more. His lake-like eyes were as dim as my flames, probably. Darkness hindered us from burning each other.

-Oh, you are pretty early.

-S-s-so... are you... weren't you... supposed to be here at 6 pm... It's barely 5:50... W-w-w—well not that I wanted to see you later or whatnot! I j-j-j-j-ust... thought I would... be... no, nevermind.

The prince raised his hand and ulna on the little hat Diasomnia was so fond of (lol, I dunno but...), bringing it back onto the side of his head it was supposed to befriend. Had it even moved??? I didn't... really notice back then, tbh.

-I... wanted to get there before you do... I thought you might think I was betraying you if I didn't.

-H-h-h-h—huh?!

-I mean... I have heard from the others you are quite prompt to have anxiety and panic... attacks?

-Y-y-y-eah that's true...

-So I wanted to make sure I would be there before you. I want to go with you and see how we will understand our feelings, even if they end up different. Well, let's go.

-Y-y-y-yes...

Did he expect me to reach my hand to him? He stood up so quickly I still don't think he wanted me to but... He would have told me for sure. Silver was so honest he couldn't possibly mess up like this... Even though that wasn't necessarily messing up... Maybe he was just tired??? I tried to walk as fast as I could. As long as I was with him... I was myself, after all. This crown of flames was no more. But was I pacing too fast, tho...? Nevertheless...  he would have told me if this was unpleasant... He would have told me for sure. Silver was honest to the point of hurting others. And yet cared about harming, unlike a certain red pest (asshole.). So... the doors opened before I even knew they were there.

-Oh... So I guess this is your room.

-Y-y-yeah... Guess it's a bit messy, huh...

-It feels honest. I only know of another room as messy as this one but I do not really go into others's rooms a lot.

-T-t-t-thanks, t-then...

I guess that was the best answer to make... I didn't really want to be looked down because I didn't tidy up my room or some stupid shit like that... And he didn't look down on me because of so stupid a shit...

-Hmm... You sure got a lot of figures... Oh, is that Ryougi... Shiki?

-Huh?! You know her?!

-Yes. My old man watches quite a lot of anime and... well, a lot of different things.

-S-s-s-so... Do you recognize this one?!

-Oh, is this a Phos...phophy...llite one?

-Yes! Yessss!!! You sure know a lot of stuff!!!

-My old man told me the show this person is from was quite sad... Do you appreciate sad shows, hm... Shroud?

-O-oh... Huh...

He could have thought I was definitely a grim person (well I am but...)...

-I kind of, yeah... Catharsis and all that stuff, I think... y-you know...

-Oh, I understand. I was just... curious. Will we sing sad songs as well?

-W-well if you don't feel like singing sad ss-s-stuff... I would understand, d-don't worry Iwontforceyouanyway...

-I do not mind that much. I want to try.

-Hmm... Sad songs can help us show our feelings from what I've read s-s-o...

-I understand... Shall you start? I can start if you feel uneasy.

-I... think I can start. You're... n-n-ot the kind of person to mock weak and dumbasses, right... so it should be alright... I just hope it won't... huh...

-I won't laugh at all. Your bravery is worthy of praises, Shroud.

-Can you... call me Idia?

-Understood, Idia.

He couldn't possibly have mocked me. How many burdens had I pushed on him? I flattered his ego by saying he wasn't the kind of person to mock weak... Asked him to use my name... He would break something if he were to lie to reality...

-I'm... going i-i-in, then.

And of course it wasn't the first time I was singing... Even among people. We had already had some singing contests on servers wayyyy before... Setting up the off-vocals, the mic... even without a mic it would have been alright, tbh. I guess I wanted to... at least show I was good with computers, lol...

-Étoi... le... et toi...

I guess French was just a way of covering whatever these words watering through my throat were. How dared I use something like this? How dared I use such a stereotyped love strategy?

-Et toi... et moi...

Words were floating around. I could not see them but... A blue gleam, a usual blue gleam had disappeared. I closed my eyes several times, yes. For numerous seconds, certainly... One... Two... Three... Whatever. The heat didn't force them open. And his soft eyes of water were not asphyxiated nor asphyxiating.

-Le monde... est vous...

"You"... Yes. The mic feels cold between my hands, my ten fingers, my ten white and carved phalanx yet to be carved again phalanx. This world was... not theirs, after all. Nor was it made of this Water, this One Normality.

-Vous êtes... le monde...

Yes... We are part of it and so... Water, Flames... Whatever. Your eyes aren't made of one lake drowning the whole world except I.

-Étoile... et toi...

You are made of fire and water. I am made of lava and ice, into mirrored proportions, no matter what they are.

-Et toi, et moi...

Surely, you weren't especially my prince, nor a special element fated to me. There was no such... sad thing as this, even if this world is (lol) made of all of these. But you wouldn't have chosen me because of some "rules".

-Tout ce que je vois...

No matter how carved is your bone-like hair, no matter how frozen is this ice-like hair... You are not made of one flow of water. Your iris are... yours. How many skies did you gather between what I was barely grasping as stupid water?

-Tout ce que je ressens... Tu es mon uni...vers.

Yes... You are a shard of this world's mixed elements, and you lent me your hand from some words you had chosen among realities.

-I don't really know what you said but... I feel like I understand how it was supposed to feels.

-R-r-r-really?

-Your voice really seemed... soft, I would say? I didn't feel like it was supposed to be sad but more of a... saudade feeling? A melancholic... hm, yes that's the word, happiness? At some point, you were smiling, I think. I like to hear you singing but... It's more I like when you sing of this specific thing... Happiness while melancholy... And  a soft voice... Was it a love song?

-H-h-h-hm... hm...

-I... really like it. But it was different than when Malleus... hm, Head Malleus, played violin. Sure it sounded pretty but... I felt something.

-You... You did?!

-Yes.

-Then huuuuh... should we... call this... ?

-We should ask someone else but... maybe?

I was just... so happy I kind of feel lazy to write the rest. I mean, what good will it make anyway? I feel waaay less stressed (lol). So... I've spoken with Ortho... How I needed to update him and all... But first I had to tell him he... didn't have to take care of me anymore. I guess this was just temporary but... I'm sorry, Ortho. Silver... probably solved more of my problems than you did. I guess it took me 18 years to be Idia.

[Started Recording at : 9h15 AM : Tenth Day.]

Thus ends this special Recording of a Shroud non-heir. Idia has found happiness. The Shroud family shall not be anymore.

And so these years of learning made Ortho himself.

-Yes. I am Ortho Shroud. Thank you for watching or listening to all of this. I wish you happiness as well. I hope you will find yourself like we did :)

[Ended Recording at : 9h17 AM : Tenth Day.]

[nadziejastar]

How do you think Axel would have been viewed if he was a woman, but otherwise written exactly the same?

I think a female Lea (Leah?) would have been very popular. She’d be a breath of fresh air considering how stereotypical most female characters are. She’d have as many fanboys as Lea does fangirls. I don’t think she would have been shipped with Roxas as much, though. I just don’t think it would have been as popular if it weren’t a yaoi pair with an uke and seme. If anything, I think people would have assumed she was a lesbian, lol. But that’s just my speculation. I think her relationship with Saix would have been far more acceptable to see as romantic if she’d been female, whether Saix was male or female. Female/Female relationships are just more socially acceptable. If Axel had been a girl, I’d still like her with Isa.

Lea the Crybaby

“Even if we don’t see each other, it’s more important that we think about each other all the time, anyway, right? …Got it memorized?”

Roxas grinned. “It doesn’t suit you, saying things like that.”

Those words were meant to make them feel better, but… if I went into that, I’d look weak. “Shaddap,” said Axel, looking away.

Xion laughed. Roxas found it funny too, and he started to laugh.

“Is it that funny?!” Axel asked almost unconsciously.

Roxas and Xion stopped laughing for a moment, but when they looked at each other, they burst out laughing again.

If Axel had been a girl, he wouldn’t have to be written or perceived any differently. I don’t think there’s anything about his personality that couldn’t have been possible in a female character. Heck, I think many aspects of him would have been more accepted as a female character. If he were female, he would have been perceived differently, though. 

And because of that, he wouldn’t have been robbed of all his emotional depth in KH3. As a Nobody, Axel had balls of steel. He smiled even as he was disappearing. He always smiled through the worst pain. He was a total hardass. It’s a big reason why he became so popular. Most of the male fans I know in real life liked Axel because he was a total badass in Castle Oblivion. And he was. He was cold and ruthless and COOL. All of that is fine in female characters, too.

“I want everybody I meet to remember me. Inside people’s memories, I can live forever.”

“I know I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time,” Isa replied with a bit of humor in his tone.

“See? I’m immortal!”

“You’re obnoxious.”

But Axel was not naturally cold and badass. He became that way because he was VERY sensitive. He was a very multi-dimensional character. You can especially see it in the novels. He was so softhearted that he became desensitized to pain. That’s how he was able to smile all the time. In BBS, you can see he’s not really “badass”. He’s a huge dork that gets teased by Isa. I’ve seen some fans (mostly male) dislike the direction they took him in Days and BBS because he seemed too nice. But that’s the real Lea. A kindhearted, lovable, childish dork.

On the sofa opposite him, Naminé spoke up instead. “Sora and Riku are best friends.”

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

“So you are capable of sincerity,” said Riku.

Axel only shrugged at the jab and finished his ice cream pop.

I think Axel became more flat and was reduced to mainly comic relief in KH3 specifically because the KH3 team was afraid of the backlash they might receive if they did what they were originally gonna do with him. The were scared to go all the way and take his story to its natural conclusion because he’s male. Probably because it would change the way people perceived him. He’s not really as cool and badass as people thought. If he had been female, this side of his personality would have been embraced. But as a male, it was much more difficult to pull off, and ultimately, Square was too cowardly to do it.

He’d never deluded himself that tracking down Riku would be easy, and neither had Saïx. It was just that if he went back and reported that he couldn’t find anything, he would have to deal with those attempts at “personality”—the sneers, the snide remarks, the only trappings of human emotion that Saïx ever showed. Not that Saïx was even capable of annoyance or disappointment, of course, what with the lack of a heart and all.

Heading up the slope to the station, Axel bit into the ice cream bar. “This stuff is so salty,” he murmured to himself, as he often did.

Axel was a very deep character. He had many sides. Kanemaki was a writer on Days and I think she had a lot to do with how fleshed out he became. Due to his trauma, he appeared to be very stoic and other times very carefree. But deep down, he was very vulnerable. He hated showing it. He hated it when people saw him cry. He hid his feelings very well. Roxas and Xion never saw the emotional side of him. And many fans didn’t either. Axel was still smiling the last time he saw Roxas in person, when he said let’s meet again in the next life. He only cried for the first time in KH2FM. The scene didn’t go too far. It was ambiguous if Roxas could even tell Axel was crying. Axel never allowed himself to showed true vulnerability with Roxas.

“Let’s meet again in the next life.”

At those words spoken with just a hint of a smile, Roxas nodded quietly.

“Yeah. I’ll be waiting.”

There was something funny about Roxas’ serious answer, and Axel laughed.

Same with Kairi. And that was the problem. Axel/Lea was more emotional in KH3. He had a heart, so it’s only natural. He cried with Kairi, but ran away afterwards. When he reunited Roxas and Xion, he cried again. But IMO, that wasn’t the catharsis he really needed. He was still bottling a lot of strong feelings up. He never has a scene where he has to confront his emotional baggage and deal with it. He never had to deal with the fact that he was using Roxas as an emotional crutch for much deeper issues.

Then someone else spoke behind him. “I’ve been waiting for you, Axel.”

“Yeah, I figured you’d show up.” His smirk turned nastier as he turned to see Saïx. He didn’t take his eyes off the other man as he spoke to the girl in the cage.

His final fight was robbed of almost all emotion. It didn’t feel like he had anything to fight for. He lacked passion or a strong purpose. Look how many people say that Lea shouldn’t have even gotten a Keyblade. The fight wasn’t for Axel and Saix to finally settle their issues. It felt more like Roxas and Xion were the stars. Then the stupid Subject X crap was shoehorned in. 

Lea is mostly known in KH3 for having a few quips where he breaks the fourth wall. His humor was allowed to be played up as much as possible. But, he wasn’t allowed much genuine emotion. Despite having a heart, he felt more hollow than ever in many ways. His reunion with Roxas and Xion was…cute? I guess? To me it felt forced. Lea still acted kinda “meh”. Roxas and Xion were crying, and he was still trying to play it cool. He was never allowed to take his mask off. He still never had true a moment of emotional catharsis.

You’re ultimately still a crybaby, but you don’t need the marks anymore.

The truth is, Lea needed a resolution where he wasn’t forced into the cool and aloof big brother role. It’s why the Roxas and Xion reunion didn’t provide any closure to his character arc. Lea wasn’t really aloof, like he acted on Day 96. He was super emotional. He needed someone to be truly 100% vulnerable with. The only character to know that side of Lea was Isa. And it’s obvious that “Lea the crybaby” is something that revolved around his relationship with Isa more than anyone. It’s mentioned in Isa’s Character File story.

The sunset stung my eyes. I’ve been a bit of a crybaby lately. I wonder if it’s because the upside-down tear charm is gone.

And also Lea’s Character File story called “I Will Not Forget You”. His character arc in KH3 was “resolved” by hastily reuniting with Roxas and Xion and “working it out” with Saix. But…it really wasn’t resolved at all.

Axel suddenly broke his silence. “Well, even if things change, we’ll never be apart—”

“—As long as we remember one another,” Xion finished. “Right?”

The day the ‘Winner’ stick was finally mentioned, it’s called “Sunset” and Axel told them they’d never be apart. He was acting like nothing was wrong, even though he knew there was barely any time left for them to be together. He never let Roxas and Xion know how sentimental he was. On Xion’s “Day 6″ she disappeared. It was called “Tears”. That’s the day Axel finds the white envelope with the stick in it.

Maybe, this is the last time I’ll see Saix, too.

Thinking, Axel looked at the seated Saix’s back. “We’ve known each other for a pretty long time, haven’t we?”

Ignoring Axel’s words, Saix continued typing on the keyboard.

“Say something. Have you even thought that maybe I can’t erase Roxas?” Axel said, in a playful tone, and Saix finally looked up. “It’ll be all right. ‘Cause I’m tough.” Axel puffed out his chest.

“How stupid,” said Saix, and for a moment he smiled. “Let’s hurry up and prepare. Time is limited. The hero will wake up soon, too. I’ll send you in right in front of Roxas.”

“Okay.”

Axel stood in front of the sending device. Saix rested his finger on the button.

“I’m off the~n!” Waving to Saix, Axel’s figure disappeared.

On Roxas’s “Day 6″, Axel had a very emotional exchange with Saix after looking at the white envelope. He was bonding with Saix just before he attempted to eliminate Roxas. He joked with Saix about it. That sends a very powerful message about the nature of Axel’s feelings for Saix. Axel was emotionally dependent on him. Saix thought Axel didn’t need him anymore, but that simply wasn’t true. He did. It’s obvious to me that the ‘Winner’ stick was meaningful to Axel due to his relationship with Isa more than anyone. That stick was a symbol of Lea’s tears. Yet…it was never even mentioned in KH3. Saix only briefly glanced at it just before he mentioned that Axel’s tear marks were gone. The rest is left to your imagination. 

“Oh, c’mon, it’s not that funny!” Axel scolded.

They paused, looked at each other, and giggled again.

“I don’t know why I put up with this…”

“But, I mean…it just didn’t sound like you, Axel.” Xion could barely hold in laughter long enough to get the words out.

A wish that they could always be together—was longing for the impossible. But at least they could always remember one another.

I think it was hinting that Isa originally given him that stick. It was probably so Lea would always remember him, even when he was gone. Lea cried that day. A LOT. Just like Roxas finally shed tears when Xion was gone, leaving behind nothing but the shell. Lea’s feelings for Isa were as powerful as Roxas’s feelings for Xion. 

Axel became numb by the time he became a Nobody. Then he started to grow a heart again. That’s what his entire arc in Days was about. These extremely powerful feelings for Isa got totally ignored in KH3, though. Changing Lea’s arc with Isa robbed him of all his emotional depth. It really, truly did. It hurt his character SO much. Lea had nobody to be vulnerable with. Most people could tell Axel/Lea was handled poorly in KH3, even if they weren’t not sure what exactly was missing.

I chose to disappear because I did not want to become what Xemnas had planned for me. Therefore, I had no regrets. I remember disappearing in front of the clock tower while Roxas held me. Roxas also went to sleep afterwards, leaving Axel alone. The person who probably suffered the most was Axel. Because he’s the one who forgot the most. Being forgotten and forgetting, they’re both painful.

What was missing was genuine emotion and vulnerability. Lea’s resolution in KH3 needed to be emotional. WAAAAY more emotional than a quick hug with Roxas and Xion, then going back to being comic relief and breaking the fourth wall. He needed to bawl his eyes out. Even in Xion’s Character File, she said he had more pain than her or Roxas. He needed to finally drop his cool big brother exterior and show his pain. Isa needed to be the one to comfort the “crybaby” and let him know he never forgot about him.

Lea needed a lot more from Isa than just him grudgingly admitting he was jealous and dismissively telling him to stop crying. Lea needed a shoulder to cry on. Someone he could show his weakness to. That’s something Roxas and Xion could not offer him. Without that, his character did not really grow in KH3. He remained the same as he was in Days. Static.

I think the whole idea of Lea’s character was changed because it was too “gay”. Square/Disney we’re afraid of a character like Lea. A male character with a powerful emotional arc revolving around the tears he shed for another man. The story of Axel tear drops got dropped like a hot potato in favor of some stupid retcon with Skuld. If Axel had been female, nobody would care about the subplot with Subject X. Everyone would have been clamoring for more details about how and why she got her tear marks.

[kieren-fucking-walker]

Hello! I’m excited to do this as I don’t rec much, reccing things terrifies me because I hate feeling like I’m picking/playing favourites and leaving people out, and I also am just generally bad at picking my favourites of anything because I like too many things too much. I also am very bad at bookmarking, keeping track of fics I read, and generally being able to recall the names of fics to be able to rec them. So, with all that in mind I thought I’d start with something easy, on the understanding that this isn’t by any means an exhaustive list and I’d be more comfortable with this being “ten fics I like” rather than a top ten because there are far far too many fics I love in this fandom to ever do a list of favourites. So, in no particular order: 

Ten fics under ten thousand words (that I love):

Hypocrite by Lynds [@gold-from-straw​] - Rating: G, WC: 1.6k, Pairing: N/A

Summary: How can Todd possibly expect to be forgiven if he still can't forgive everyone who hurt him? Why I love it: This is one of my favourite explorations of a very specific part of Todd’s character, and it’s worth noting that the characteristics are spot on. I come back to this fic over and over again, and while in many ways it’s painful it’s also real and honest and just a beautiful bit of writing concerning Todd and his guilt.

Dork Greatly's Holistic Laundry Service by obscureenthusiast -  Rating: G, WC: 2.8k, Pairing: Brotzly (kind of)

Summary: Dirk very generously offers to help Todd with his household chores... an offer which Todd eventually takes him up on. The laundry gets a little out of hand when Todd remembers a game he and Amanda used to play and Dirk enthusiastically joins.

Why I love it: Cute!! It’s cute silly fun of these two bonding over laundry and sock puppets, gentle ribbing and acting like children. It gets even better when Farah joins in, I’m a sucker for those three being dorks together. 

My Mind Is My Own Worst Enemy; It Keeps Trying To Convince Me That You Are by DontOffendTheBees [@dont-offend-the-bees​​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 1.6k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: His voice is so familiar and yet also just so… wrong. There’s something missing in it. Some vital aspect of Todd that Dirk didn’t even notice until it was gone.

Why I love it: ANGST! This appeals to every single one of my angst tendencies, and as I’m using this rec list to rec things I love I have to give a shoutout to the most wonderfully angsty fic I’ve read. I love this fic. I love the premise, I love the tension, I love the way it’s written, I love how awful the situation is. I love the way this fic is resolved, I love that it’s plausible, realistic in that. It’s incredibly emotional in all the worst ways and that makes it one of my favourite short fics ever.

Cut To The Feeling by zaphodthebb -  Rating: G, WC: 2.1k, Pairing: Brotzly 

Summary: Post Blackwing rescue, Todd is awake and on guard duty. He's had too much coffee. Also, Dirk can't sleep.

Why I love it: I’m such a sucker for post-big-things fic and this one nails the feeling perfectly. You can feel the exhaustion, the way smaller things they didn’t have time to worry about before catching up to them now they can stop for a moment. Both Dirk and Todd feel tired and real and it’s just a lovely read. 

split the secret up by piggy09 [@sharkodactyl] -  Rating: T, WC: 5.1k, Pairing: N/A

Summary: He asks if Dirk can hear it and Dirk just laughs, the sound reassuringly human.Well, not reassuringly. Reassuringly would mean Todd had to be reassured.It’s just – it sounds human. Which is good. Because Dirk is human. Definitely

Why I love it: Why don’t I love it? The idea of the Blackwing subjects being Eldritch in some way is a concept I’ve explored numerous times because it appeals to me so much, and if it appeals to you then you want to read this fic. It’s eerie and unsettling, the ability to hit the tone of not-quite-right is perfect, the pacing is astounding and it’s so hard to write a fic like this and keep the idea together as well as it’s done here. I love experimental styles of writing and when they turn out like this it’s not hard to see why. I love this fic a lot. (I would also recommend reading on desktop not mobile because the formatting of this fic adds so much to it!)

Catharsis by ben8615  -  Rating: T, WC: 1.3k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: Dirk is broken as heck, so why not have him cry it out? That's it. That's the whole story. You can all go home now.

Why I love it: The title and summary say it all really! This is such a lovely little fic about Dirk getting some catharsis in a way we all know he desperately needs, and paired with Todd taking care of him so gently? It’s such a perfect, wonderful little fic that just feels quiet and safe and wonderful.

objects in mirror may be closer than they appear by sharlook [@aceabed]  -  Rating: T, WC: 8.8k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: You’re alone, with your arms wrapped tight around a pillow at god knows what time in the night, and there are tears running down your face because you can’t seem to stop thinking about it, not even in your dreams. And then clutching your covers you get an idea. (In which Dirk has nightmares about Blackwing, goes to Todd for help, and is really, really, really in love.)

Why I love it: This fic aches in such a beautiful way. It doesn’t shy away from the ramifications of what Dirk went through and how that plays out for him, his fears and paranoias feel real and present in a way I really appreciate. The choice to use second person is a really good one, it’s a tricky pov to pull off but this definitely gets it right and is better for it. The development of Dirk and Todd’s relationship, particularly looking at Todd’s reactions to Dirk’s worries through Dirk’s eyes is just wonderful and it’s well worth a read. 

Those Grey Days by TheRoyalPrussianArmy [@theroyalprussianarmy​]  -  Rating: G, WC: 2.4k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: The bad days weren't always days. They could creep up, like some small, silent predator and deliver a swift bite that poisoned its victim's outlook. A blue sky could turn into grey one heartbeat after a laugh. The gentle sound of the wind in the trees would suddenly become overwhelmingly irritating. Even so much as a door closing or footsteps across the floor could lead to a strong desire to cry and scream, to rage and throw things. They would always pass, of course, but in the moment they were devastating.

Why I love it: We all know I love a good Todd characterisation, and I love a good exploration of the shitty realities of bad mental health and letting other people help you with that. I really really love this fic for both of those reasons, it’s unflinching without being gratuitous, and I really love the way it doesn’t promise sudden miraculous recovery at the hands of someone else, but ends on a gentler kind of promise of having people be there for you if you let them be. Also I’m a huge fan of the way this is written, it reads so nicely and it’s more than worth it. 

Light Work by  juniper_and_lamplight  [@juniper-and-lamplight​​​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 2.8k, Pairing: Farina

Summary: Tina had, with her typical blunt insight, poked at Farah’s motivations for baking the cake herself. “Is it some kind of control-freaky thing? Like you can’t trust anyone else to get it right?” And while Farah couldn’t honestly say no to that question, her real motivation ran deeper.

Why I love it: This fic is wonderful. I always think we need more Farah insights, and this fic does just that in such a beautiful way, catching on her idiosyncrasies and the character building is to die for. It’s such a simple idea and yet the story itself manages to be rich and full, the imagery is simply gorgeous and every little snippet of a look into Farah’s life as it was in the past and is right now just delights me. Honestly this fic will leave you with a sweet, warm feeling all the way down to your toes and dwelling in the comfort of knowing Farah is loved by herself and others in all the ways she deserves.

or make a home by reptilianraven [@actualbird​​]  -  Rating: T, WC: 6.6k, Pairing: Brotzly

Summary: “Perhaps,” Dirk says in his best ‘yes, I’m bullshitting you, but I’m your boyfriend and you love me still’ voice. “The universe wants it this way.”“The universe wants you to always forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste,” Todd says, unimpressed, screwing the cap on himself.-Or Todd’s adventures in dating Dirk Gently, the mundanities of which unsurprisingly turning out to not be very mundane at all (featuring, among other things: intergalactic wormholes, regular periods of lying down on the floor, and several annoying habits that concern toothpaste and toothbrushes.)

Why I love it: You know those fics you read that make you want to throw your face into a pillow and scream with emotions? Yeah. This fic is so ridiculously good. The beauty of mundane daily rituals that make up part of a relationship! The way those things grow together, evolving into each others spaces and lives, this fic explores that so well. The portrayal of their relationship is so soft and tender, so happy and bright and silly and sad and everything a relationship should be. Honestly I can’t overstate enough how much I love this fic, I can’t go on and on here, but I’m about 99% sure this fic invented love-in-small-spaces kinda way. Also, sidetracking from all my other comments, if you like Mika’s song Tiny Love and the reprise of it then you’ll love this fic because I listened to it and immediately thought of it. Beautiful, emotional, fic. If this fic was a blanket I’d burrito myself in it and never leave. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There we go! I obviously have far more than ten fics that fall into this category and hopefully more of them will be cropping up over the course of this week if I can find the time to make that happen, but as this is something I’m lowkey scared of doing I’m pleased enough to have this much! Thank you so much to @dghdafeedbackfest​ for organising this!

If you read any of these fics and like them please let the author know! Also check out some of their other stuff, because a lot of these authors are writers I love in general! 

[earnyccrstripes]

Daisy, @daisy-lancaster,

I’ve probably written this letter fifty times. Like twenty times by pen and thirty by lying awake thinking about how I would start it. They never go to you, because despite how I act sometimes, I’m not actually looking forward to the destruction of my life. Which is exactly what would happen if you read what I’m about to say.  I’m a demon. That’s right, a whole demon. Like from the stories that were used to scare us when we were kids. I’m worse, actually. Because, from what I understand, there are decent demons, demons who are restored to do good. I’m not one of them. That’s why my sister hit me in the face. Or at least, I’m guessing. We didn’t really get into the whole is your demon blood possessing you to punch me or am I just really pissing you off thing. And I spend an obsessive amount of time trying to fight the fact that my blood and my genes and my whole lineage could make me turn one day.  My twin, the one I told you about, he embraces the worst sides of being like we are. I try to ignore the possibility that could me one day or stifle it but he’s been raised to channel it. To harness this evil and kill people while there’s still light in their eyes. My mom used to tell me those stories. Not like that, but the woman that used to come around the Harveys’? That was her. I know you were probably too long to realise when she started coming, and then by the time you could pick her out, you probably didn’t want to ask. Which I get, I probably wouldn’t have given you an answer anyway. And that kills me. I’ve been lying to you for so long that sometimes I wonder if the person you love is real. And I used to think lying was a harsh word but it’s exactly the right one. Because evading the truth is still lying. Because sneaking out of windows and leaving without a note or a phone call or a visit is still lying. And really shitty. And I wish I could tell you how sorry I am in a way you’d believe it for that night. But I can’t. So I still don’t think you believe it, d. Deep down. And that’s okay. It’s nothing I don’t deserve. I’m not trying to paint you like you’re punishing me by not forgiving me, or that I resent that you’re trying but you aren’t there yet. Or that I’m hypothesising your feelings about me in a letter that you’re never going to see. Pretty creepy, huh? Supposed to be therapeutic, writing it all down. And it is, until I remember how much there is to write down, and how many lies I’ve told and I wonder if I should just shred everything where it stands. But wait there’s more. More secrets and more shit. That woman who used to come by the Harveys’? My mom? She died. I found her with a witch tracking spell - because oh yeah, those exist - and that was the first time I ever felt like I’d pushed too hard. Because she was just lying there and there was nothing I could. And that was the day I left. I told myself it was to find answers to a life-long obsession with this other family I never got to have, and that’s true. But it was also because I didn’t want to you to see me like that. And I didn’t want you to ask and care and me not be able to tell you. It’s why you still don’t know. And you want to know something even more fucked up? I used to think Will did it.  When I met him, Will, I saw something in his eyes that scared me. I told you about it. That there was a darkness and a blackness that made me think about all the things he’s done and could do. And I’ve been worrying he’s somehow going to corrupt me like he’s been corrupted since I met him. Since I know we’re just breathing the same air. And then I realise that maybe that night I had that same darkness in my eyes, and maybe I would have corrupted you. And I think when all’s said and done, that’s why I ran. Not because I didn’t want you there, not because I didn’t need a hug from my best friend. Just because I didn’t want to screw you up, d. You’re still too good to be alice.  What they never mention after Alice is in wonderland is how terrified she must be of what she knows now. She’s been in a world that shouldn’t have existed, and a really scary, screwed up world. And she can’t talk to anyone about it. Can you even imagine that? I’m the rabbit, I live down here. I’m getting used to it’s darkness and it’s caves, but you’re a visiting neighbour. And you’re not prepared for this, and I’m not going to be the one who subjects you to it.  My sister leaves a lot. The one who socked me in the nose? Her. I’m starting to wonder if this is why. Because you can never really get close to anyone in this world without worrying if they know or don’t. Or if you’ll be the cause of their downfall. Maybe she’s just trying to protect the people she loves. Like I am.  I don’t tell you I love you enough. Which is a whole other realm of complicated that seems so damn insignificant in comparison to everything else I’ve written down. But I’m going to go through with it anyway, because if this is my time to be honest, I should probably make the most of it. I’m in love with you, d. I think I I know I have been for years, and I know I had opportunities to tell you. But I didn’t want my own life to implode. Even before the whole mess with my mom and my family. And then I didn’t want your life to implode by making you love someone who could never be honest with you. If you wanted to.  And then I would think about if anything ever happened to you because of me. Like those crime movies we always used to watch. The girlfriend gets kidnapped, not the best friend. And I know that’s dark, and that mafia movies aren’t actually true crime, but life imitates art. Not the other way around. I know you can handle yourself, and I’m not painting you as weak either. You’ve always been a badass. But with these people, I’m not sure that’s enough. Because yeah, I’d try to kill anyone who hurt you but when I used to say that it was hyperbole. Now I know that if I said that to Will, or my sister, or my other brother who you don’t know about by the way because I don’t know what to say about him, they might actually consider it a threat. So they don’t know about you. I wish they did, because it’d be nice to talk about you with them in a normal, sibling way. Maybe we could. Maybe it’s my own problem. That I don’t trust people. When we were talking in that diner, I started to think that we were actually on equal footing. That you don’t trust people too now. And that scares me because I don’t know why. And then I blame myself because I left. And then it’s the same obsessive spiral over and over again. Anyway, this is the end of my long, rambling list of confessions. Still waiting for the catharsis that’s supposed to happen right about now. I would say I wish you could see all of this, but I don’t. Because I’m selfish and scared. I’m sorry. For everything.  With regret,  Max 

[fanforthefics]

Oooh Sid/Geno 27 would be interesting! Bonus if one (Or both) is still hockey player. :)))

meeting at a support group au

“Thank you, Sandra,” Phil, the moderator, says, and everyone else in the circle mumbles their assent. Sandra, a large black woman who still rubs at her stump of a leg like it’s going to reappear, nods, clearly blinking back tears. Phil looks around. “Would anyone else like to share right now?” 

Despite himself, Geno glances to the corner. The group isn’t stable, per se; people come in and out depending on when they can make it and how far along in recovery they are, how much they need it. But most of the other people who are there have either talked already today, or recently. 

But the man in the corner, with his baseball cap pulled low over his head and his fingers drumming against the arm of the chair, doesn’t say anything. 

Phil nods. “Okay, then. Let’s take a break, and if anyone decides they want to formally share, we can reconvene, or we’ll just hang out until we’re kicked out.”

“Thanks, Phil,” Geno contributes, which gets everyone else to echo him. Phil gives a sheepish smile, and a grin of thanks at Geno. Geno’s been here almost as long as he has; at this point, he’s not sure if he comes for the catharsis, just to pay it forward, or just out of habit. 

Everyone turns away from the center of the room, splitting into little groups or checking their phones. Geno chats a little with some of the other regulars, enough that his mouth gets dry and he wants to get some tea. 

Geno finds him near the snacks, staring at the cookies. 

He resists the urge to offer help. No one wants that. “Problem with cookies?” he asks instead. Sidney laughs, something low and dry. 

“I’m not used to not exercising regularly,” he says simply. Geno looks down, but his cap covers his face completely. “I don’t know what I can eat yet.” 

“Should have cookie,” Geno decides, and leans over to put one on a plate. He hands it down to Sidney, who takes it with a murmured thank you. “Want more?” 

“I’ll get it if I do,” Sidney replies, sharp but even, and Geno knows that feeling. He still has it, too often. 

“Well, I go sit down. Leg ache,” he says, patting his knee, feeling his rings clank against the metal there. “You come with?” 

Sidney pauses, but then nods, shrugs. It’s not the first time they’ve talked after the formal session is over, chatting about nothing at all. It’s something Geno hadn’t expected–how much he actually likes Sidney Crosby. 

“Sure,” He agrees, and wheels himself over to the table. Geno moves chairs aside to make room for him, then sets his two chairs up so Geno can prop his leg up, stretch it out a little. He doesn’t miss how Sidney’s eyes flash to it, then back to Geno’s face. His gaze is even on Geno’s face, half a challenge and half a sort of basic stubbornness that Geno suspects goes right down to his soul. It makes Geno want to stand up and take notice–makes him understand just why this man was who he was. Is who he is. 

“You not share yet?” Geno asks, sips at his tea. It’s watery and too bitter, as always. 

“I’m not big on sharing,” Sidney admits. His lips twist. “As you probably know.” 

Geno doesn’t deny it. Half the people in this room probably know. No one’s said anything, out of some sort of tacit understanding–the people who know Sidney Crosby’s media personality is also know what that last hit cost him. Instead of saying that, though, he asks, “Then why come?” 

“My therapist thought it would do me good.” Sidney’s face shifts, and Geno can see the media training coming in. “And it is, to see everyone else be so strong, it puts things in perspective. It–” 

“No bullshit, Sidney.” Gently, Geno jostles the chair. Sidney’s lips click together, and he glares. “You okay? Thought you about to share, last time. Something happen?” 

Sidney opens his mouth, closes it. Looks around. Swallows. “Nothing happened. It’s just–what it is.” 

“Can share, what it is,” Geno points out. “What you here for.” 

“Can I?” Sidney shakes his head. “You’re all–my problems are so petty, next to people’s here.” 

“Your problems not–”

“Sandra is living, barely, off of disability,” Sidney replies, quick like he’s winning an argument. “Henry’s wife left him. Most people here lost their jobs.” 

“You lost your job,” Geno observes. 

Sidney snorts. “Unless something goes really wrong, I’m set for the rest of my life. Even like this, I’ve got offers–coaching, commentating. Front office stuff. Money will never be an issue.” 

“That not the only trauma, of losing your job,” Geno points out. He takes another sip of tea. “Especially–” 

“For me?” Sidney nods. “Yeah.” He sighs. His fingers are still moving over the metal of the chair, like he isn’t used to it. He probably isn’t. “I thought the concussion would be the worst of it–thought I’d prepared for this. It’s not like I didn’t know it was a possibility.” He shakes his head. “But somehow, I didn’t prepare for this.” 

“Can’t really prepare,” Geno tells him. He doesn’t entirely get it–he’s still got most of his mobility–but he gets it enough. 

“And I feel so bratty. I have three Stanley Cups. Three gold medals. That should be enough.” His hands clench. “And instead I’m just so mad I’m stuck in this fucking chair.” 

Geno looks down at him. His wheelchair’s a little higher than the folding chairs, but Geno’s still a little taller than him. He still looks like Sidney Crosby–even if his legs are mostly useless, he’s massive from the waist up, still with those arms and shoulders and all the parts of him Geno had looked at before this. Whatever happened to him, he’s clearly been taking his physical therapy seriously. And more, probably. “Not bratty to be mad at universe, for take away legs.” 

“It is to complain.” Sidney shakes his head. “Or it’s not, I know, but I don’t like to, here.”

“Can complain to me,” Geno offers. “I’m not take offense.”

Sidney cocks his head at Geno. It makes Geno want to look away, the intensity of that gaze, the way he seems to see through Geno. Instead, he meets Sidney’s gaze. “Why?” 

“What?”

“You’ve been particularly nice to me since I started coming here. Why?” Sidney asks. “I don’t doubt you’re a nice person, but you aren’t this nice to anyone else.” 

Geno swallows, and looks down at his hands. At his metal leg, hidden under his pants leg. 

“I am nice person,” He starts. Sidney snorts but doesn’t look away. Fuck, Geno gets why everyone seems to immediately decide he’s the captain of whatever situation he’s in. “But–you probably not remember, but I’m meet you before. Was charity thing, take fans into locker room, you meet, smile, give jersey.” Sidney nods, but there’s no recognition there. Geno doesn’t blame him–how many of those must he have done? “I’m big fan. I am big fan,” he corrects himself. Sidney’s lips twist, like he wants to argue with the tense, but Geno won’t let him. 

“Was in 2013, you just get jaw injury, all–” he motions to his face. “I’m just get hurt, still angry, still think life over, not be able to do anything. Not have leg yet. And you look at me, and shake hand, and say, we’ll get back out there soon, yeah.” Geno swallows he can’t quite articulate it, and definitely not in English, just what that had meant to him. Just what the certainty had meant, what it had meant that to hear Sidney Crosby say that like it was a fact, immutable and true. It hadn’t been anything more than a platitude, but it had–Geno had seen Sidney skate out there, a few weeks later, and light up the ice, and it had felt like a sign. “It get me through bad time, you say that. I want, pay back.” 

“Oh.” Sidney blinks. God, his eyes are pretty, which Geno shouldn’t be thinking, but he’s thought that for years and he doesn’t expect he’ll stop now. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember you.” 

“Not expect you to.” Geno’s not an idiot. He never expected to make as big an impact. At the moment, he hadn’t expected someone like Sidney Crosby, an athlete at the top of his game, to take a second look at some crippled vet. Then, he just knew he didn’t live in some romance novel. “Still mean a lot to me.” 

“I’m glad I could help.” Sidney taps at his leg. It doesn’t look like he feels it. “You don’t owe me anything for it, though.” 

Geno rolls his eyes. “Not about owe,” he retorts. “Is about–want to help. How we get through this, help each other.” 

Sidney nods, slowly. When he looks up again, for the first time, Geno sees doubt in Sidney Crosby’s eyes. It looks wrong. “Does it get better?” Sidney asks, in a tone that hurts to hear. 

Geno takes a risk, and reaches out to put his hand on Sidney’s shoulder. Sidney turns into it, easy as breathing. “Yes,” Geno says, making reckless promises he might not be able to keep, but trying for that same certainty Sidney had given him years ago. 

Sidney smiles, a small, fledgling thing, but focused right on Geno. “Thank you,” he says, and Geno just hopes he’s telling the truth, or he can make it true. 

[terresdebrume]

Pensieve post

Because it’s a way to practice informing people about my life rather than not say anything for week and then ask people for news when I’m not feeling well (which is probably better than barge in demanding emotional support but still probably not as healthy as it get). Plus, if nothing else, it helps me sorting through the stuff I’ve been dealing with recently which is a goo thing to do in conjunction with therapy. Today’s update is mostly going to focus on the crushing situation because that’s what I’ve had on my mind for most of the week and easier to deal with than the whole family situation (1) so….follow the cut to read about my life, I guess.

So, remember on October 1st, how I rode in on the high of coming out on Facebook and feeling like a functional adult (ish), and said I was thinking of maybe asking my crush out? Well it may come as no surprise to you that I then proceeded to Not Do That. And you know, perhaps my friend Julie had a point when she said I didn’t do things by half (and perhaps I had a point when I worried it might be a little too much to undertake in one go) because not only did I Not Do That, I proceeded to sink in a long week of stress, anxiety, and depressed thinking. Because why not.

Context: when I made both these decisions on October 1st, my workplace had just finished four days of big examinations in which I had to overview exam preps and be a jury in oral examinations (which, fyi, is super tiring) and capped it off with an end-of-the-week meal with coworkers and the new boss (2). So, pretty intense week, coming on the heel of a holiday weekend with Julie, Julie’s fiance and the Crush...which I’m only now realizing might have been a little too much excitement in one go because, like I said, the next week kind of went off the rails a little.

I’m gonna spare you guys the exact rundown of things I gave my therapist because that was two thousands of words long and I don’t feel like going back through it. Suffices to say I felt tired, stressed out and kinda miserable all week, with a combo flavor of ‘can I even do something right’ and ‘maybe people secretly hate me and maybe the Crush specifically grew tired of me and wishes I were out of his life because if not then why does it feel like he’s putting a distance between us that wasn’t there before?’. Which, now that I write it down, I’m wondering if I wasn’t projecting a little there.

I mean, it would make sense. I was feeling miserable and un-viewable (3) which I dealt with by not talking to/looking at people when I could avoid it, keeping myself absorbed with my computer to avoid seeing...I don’t know, confirmation that people who have previously expressed that they liked my company (explicitly so and in written form, in the case of the Crush, no less) suddenly found me pitiable at best and contemptible at worst. Which I do realize is not rational but somehow didn’t at the time (4) and still have trouble believing it now (emotionally speaking).

After that uh...interesting week, let’s call it, came Pchum Ben. It’s one of the major holidays observed in Cambodia and like a lot of major religious holidays around the world it entails people going back to their families to celebrate and spend time together. What that means, when you live in Phnom Penh and don’t go away during the holidays, is that you suddenly find yourself living in a literal ghost town. 95% of businesses close down, people leave, etc. It’s actually pretty cool and impressive, really.

Except, if you’re like me (aka: doesn’t generally travel on your own for reasons unknown and spent too much money the previous month) that means you went out of your flat exactly twice in the last five days. Which, I fully agree, is not ideal at all but that didn’t prevent me from doing it (5)...and so, what that means in practice, is that I had five full days of nothing to do but alternated between worrying about the Crush and then find ways to trick myself into thinking I was not worrying/obsessing/go into catastrophe-thinking about the Crush! Yay! :D

Not Yay. (6)

Because the end result of all this obsessing-but-pretending-I’m-not-but-kinda-obsessing-anyway is that I shot my sleeping pattern to the ground (again), stressed out for nothing, didn’t see direct sunlight for a while, and slept badly enough last night that I woke up twice and got maybe seven hours of sleep.

On the plus side, it did give me time to talk about all this with my therapist, which is always good if only because it allows me to get some things out of my head (I swear sometimes it feels like this whole online therapy deal is the closest thing the real world has to a pensieve) and also get my mind blown. Why you ask? Because in the middle of all my catastrophic thinking and imagining the worst, my therapist pointed out that I completely failed to consider to possibility that the Crush might be interested in going out with me and seemed emotionally distant because I wasn’t making a move.

Which.

You know.

Somehow I haven’t considered that at all.

So basically my brains exploded a bit, but in a good way. It actually boosted me enough to try and actually send a message to the Crush, not to ask him out (I wasn’t there yet) but to apologize if I’d made it feel like I wasn’t interested in spending time with him last week. I mean, I know it most likely did but the goal was just to get the conversation going. He didn’t answer, which was actually not surprising because, again, major holiday time so it’s not like I wasn’t prepared for it. Did that help me not stress out/panic about the lack of answer? Not as much as I would have liked, but a little.

Of course, stressing out about that meant the prospect about seeing him today was enough to stress me into a terrible night last night but at this point I figure it could have been worse (as in, I could have not slept at all), and I’m still not done picturing the worst-case scenarios (hence, also, the need to write this post so I could stop obsessing about things). But I do feel...a little better now.

Funny how spending two hours and a half trying to type out a coherent summary of a situation calms you (or me, at least) down. It’s actually kind of why I miss writing, even if I somehow can’t get into it these days: stories are a great way to dig into how things feel and why, and that’s a pretty nice mean of catharsis.

Anyway, the good point of this little exercise is, I started writing this post feeling like I was five minutes away from tears and now I’m just exhausted (early bedtime tonight, yep) but actually more balanced, so that’s cool and maybe something I should do a little more often.

(I mean, I know I said a few weeks (months?) ago that I was glad I made less feels-vomit posts (pensieve posts? I might start calling them pensieve posts) but also that translated into me restraining myself from making one when I felt the urge and that turned out to maybe not be as unilaterally good as I thought it was. So. I guess I need to try and find a balance there.

Also, since I’m going into the good points of making this post now: I’m trying a new policy in the way I talk about my issues where if I know a word or phrasing would make me angry in someone else’s mouth, I won’t use it to talk about my feelings. I think it’s going to be a tough one, but if nothing else it can’t hurt, and considering that was a problem I had with a previous therapist, I hope it’ll be helpful.

Anyway, congrats if you’ve read up until now. If there was a point to this post I‘ve sort of lost it now, but I feel better now than I did at the beginning of writing it, and I have a less negative name for that kind of posts than ‘word vomit’ so, again, let’s count it as a win.

I mean, let’s all be honest here, if I want to delve into that particular problem I’m better off making a separate post for it, anyway.

Said dinner included fun gems like being seated in front of a colleague who, I’m pretty sure, dislikes me (which I tend to not do too well with), coming out as trans to the new boss, and drinking more alcohol than I should have. I mean, it went well overall, but I remember leaving the restaurant with a distinct nope feeling so in retrospect it’s completely possible that my bad week started there. I might need to try and come up with preventative measures against that kind of things in the future.

You know, that moment where you feel like a dumpster fire and wish people could avoid looking at you while you burn in shame, because you’re afraid they can’t have anything but contempt for you after witnessing that? Yeah. That, but for a week.

Side note: why is it that we can know the thinking pattern of doom our brains use, and still fall for it? I want a refund.

There are many reasons why I didn’t leave the house these past few days but I’d say the main two would be that all my friends were out of town, so what’s the point (not a dig against them at all, I just don’t tend to go out on my own) and I didn’t have an adequate means of transportation available because most of the rickshaw drivers and moto taxis were also out of town.

Okay if I really want to go in detail I do have to mention Julie and I spent the afternoon together yesterday and that helped a lot, even if I still obsessed.

[thefatdrunkdragon]

The Worst RPer I have ever met (Nemo Saga Chapter 6)

 Okay, so here we go with another standalone Nemo chapter that discusses the one thing about Nemo. His fucking temper.

 As demonstrated in the Spooky RP, Nemo has a short temper when it comes to people actually messing with him or belittleling him. Now, it’s understandable that in RP’s you can sorta make a character based on people you don’t like and have em be killed off or defeated. I havent had much RPs about those but Nemo’s case is that he resolves everything with vauge threats and murder.

 For example, before the Spooky RP, Nemo first met the Dragon Cafe Crew.

 The Dragon Cafe Crew is composed of the following:

Rubelle “Ruby” Black - The Chubby Dragoness

Calvin “Cook” O’Hara - The Alcoholic native of Philly

Jill Xhiao - The Shy Panda woman.

Oswald “Ozzie” Hempshey - A fat East End Drake

And Dexter “Dex” O’finnigan - The Irish Yang to Ozzie’s Cockney Yin.

 Out of all of those, It was Ozzie and Dex who didn’t come to immidietly like Nemo. And in character, they like to mess around with other people. So let’s say that Ozzie and Dex make some dumb jokes about the Vampires or admit that “We ain’t really friends.” What does Nemo do? He brutally murders Ozzie and Dex. But has them revived. If this were a moment in an RP with a good friend of mine, this scene would not be as brutal and would be played off for poorly done dark comedy. But Nemo was very serious about it. He really REALLY hated Ozzie and Dex simply because they didn’t wanted to be his friends right away. It get’s better.

 Another example comes when a Zombie Virus is loose in Puerto Rico. Aiden thankfully survived in a farmland, enjoy the spoils of the apocalypse and the catharsis it brings. God-Nemo, offended that Aiden can rebel in a bit of normal power fantasy in a role play, calls him an evil man who doesn’t want anything to change so he decides to leave Aiden to his lonesome... with a fucking bomb that is suppose to kill him. I playfully have Aiden Brush off his death as cartoonish as possible, but Neem’s says “no no, let him die.” And I’m like “Excuse me bitch? I couldn’t kill YOUR characters but now you want me to let you kill mine because he thinks differently than you? FUCK YOU!”

 It was after those two events that Nemo realized he shouldnt be having his marty stu kill me for not agreeing with him, he decides that he needed to add excuses for why he was killing me. And I mean excuse that would justify why he would kill my characters. And those excuses came in the form of either Demons or Rabies, and no matter what happens, there is no signs of that behavior until AFTER killing my characters.

 While it wasn’t murder, there was an obvious threat of murder for this next example. Nemo kept bringing up a Mercy Brown Video Game (Which Only Exist to him) and he made moments where he tried to act like he was some Big shot letsplayer and blahblahblah. I have never heard of this game but Only had small understanding of what it was about, so I decided that, since I was into Zero Punctuation at the time, to make a sort of faux Ben Yatzee Review of a game. I didn’t do the whole thing because Its a fake game within an RP but the first few minutes was just me channeling my inner yatzee.

The small thing I wrote as Ben Yatzee:

Ben Yatzee: i hardly do reviews about indie horror, my last one being too scary to even continue. But when you have a cult of people simply worshipping an unknown horror game for being a bloody masterpiece, you end up witth your entire fanbase asking you to review. While i really dont take request, the number of people desperate for my thoughts on the game is just staggering so here we go...

Ben: Mercy's Autumn Nights is an indie horror game created by who else? Mercy brown. The title should be so completly obvious that she made the game as its not enough for her to simply put her name in the credits, you need to make it pretty bloody clear she made it.You play as, big surprise, Mercy blooming Brown as she tries to escape an angry mob thats chasing her down. Why? I dont fucking know?! Maybe mercy brown, being the obvious killer vampire, killed some people and she just not doing a good job at hiding it. Or maybe she hasnt showered in a while and the villagers are just getting sick and tired of smelling her greasy hair...

*ben continues to critize the games story and the use of mortal things when the character plays as mercy, complements the graphics and the controls.*

Ben: in conclusion, the next time someone sends me a request, my answer will simply just be "Mercy Bloody Brown!" Why? I dont care, its there. Have a nice day, internet.

 Nemo took the Review as an offense and tried to get in contact with ben yatzee because they talked to each other once for a while like a year. Neem’s words, not mine. And this is ignoring the fact Yatzee has Social Anxiety. Ben tried to explain to Nemo that his video is only there as a means to both critique the game and be a comedy but Neemo kept trying to convince Yatzee it was a good game and that he was a good youtuber, ignoring the fact Ben reviewed the game not the Youtuber. But it was after being presented with Mercy Brown and the grave and how annoying he was, Ben basically shut him off, the video still remained though so no one won.

Mercy’s response:

Mercy: That takes care of it. See ya.

 I told nemo that it didn’t really change anything and that the thing was just a video talking about the game, not him.

Neem’s Response

Nemo: I see. But if we see another negative video about us, you know what we'll do to him. He'll never know.

 Like I said, It may not be a violent moment, but he generally demonstrates the same kind of mentality the secret police has. Censoring any form of criticism and killing off those who don’t like him

I already presented one example in the spooky rp but there is also another major example with this small rp moment. It was during the mercy saga, and it was a moment where "our dear friend and vintage American sweetheart Mercy Brown” contracted a disease just to get us to feel bad for her and give her some attention. Aiden and Ruby, not wishing to risk getting the mary sue sickness, decide to come in Hazmat suits. It’s as exaggerating as it sounds and for the time, it was just played for giggles. But later that day, she got better and Aiden und ruby had nothing to do, so they decided to call a helicopter to pick em up. This big fucking osprey shows up, lands on the garden but no one takes off because it turns out, one of the guys in the osprey, Dave, was getting married and everyone took the opportunity to celebrate it... while still in the osprey and still on Nemo’s Lawn.

Nemo, understandibly tried to get everyone out of the lawn but they ofcourse couldnt listen due to the fucking loud music inside it. He later got a megaphone, letting the message get through to them and forcing em to take off. It was there were a drunken Dave decided to just walk out on the osprey doors and flip nemo the bird, sealing everyone’s fate with that gesture.

Nemo’s Words after the vtol flew off:

Nemo: Yeah. That'll teach you how to disturb some neighbors, you mind-fucked bitch.

 Nemo went flying in the air (Somehow) and gun down the entire vtol. Killing or injuring everyone, and leaving Ruby and Adrian in a catatonic state. He later flew back and acted as if nothing happened. Before that, he made a comment that was suppose to sound like the kind of snide remark of “Oh, I wonder how that horrible accident happened” kinda  That is until Kate shows what happened , and this was the one time posession was actually close to making sense but since the RP always had Nemo act like a normal person and showed very little signs of posession, making this the only time he actually had it plan off.

Nemo’s word’s after being shown what happened?

Nemo: *whispers and closes the door* Oh my God. What did I do? What did I do? *drinks a can of A&W Root Beer* I'm getting crazy. I need blood. *licks his own lips and chewed his own lips. He grabs a meat and eats it and there was blood spilling on the floor* Master Velora. You promised me eternal life! And you did.

 Funfact: Before Velora became a Valentine Girl and was part of a trio of marceline clones, she was supposed to be evil.

 Pretty soon, Nemo suddenly had demonic powers and ordered his vampire clan to make the world a supernatural place for vampires and werewolves, and he will assend to become a Vampire God. Starting a fucking apocalypse and building a castle for him in Rhode Island.

 When Kate, freaking out over what the fuck was going on, Nemo tried to be as hidden and “evil” as possible while signs were made quite fucking obvious he was starting a vampire apocalypse. But then when asked why the fuck he started fucking armageddon, here’s his response:

Nemo: No. Not ending the world. It's my parents. My parents should pay for what kind of stuff they did to me. Sending me to dangerous places and tormenting me. They have gone too far.

... At no point has Nemo’s folks EVER appeared in the RP. And Let’s not forget, He was fucking 19 at the time, so...

 The apocalypse breaks out and the world seems like it was going to be in for one dicking of a terrible time. But we got to remember an important Detail: This is Nemo’s world. 

How it really happened:

*Then Nemo was almost killed. But then he was fighting against a Wendigo. A Native American cannibal creature. People were watching Nemo and the Wendigo have a brutal fight in Providence, Rhode Island. He grabbed his medieval sword and stabbed at the creature and killed him. The Wendigo was killed and everybody was saved. Nemo thought it was himself, but it was a Wendigo. So Mercy had to send him to a church in Exeter, Mercy and the priest got rid of the spell that cursed him for so long. Nemo was finally saved and happy. He can now live however he wants. Even Kate was happy that he is now saved. His friends and family was happy that he's not possessed anymore. So in December, in Mercy's house, the presents are under the Christmas tree and everybody was having a good time. Nemo was waiting for all his friends to come.*

Well THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!

After the battle:

Nemo: I hope nothing possesses me again.

Mercy: God will always be there for you.

Nemo: I know.

....

This was the stupidest thing to have ever happened in RP history and I just needed to share it with you all because this was fucking insanity

The point is: Nemo is a violent dick. Anything that doesn’t apppease his ego simply results in a death setence and later revival so that you can apologize to him and kiss his ass. And to be fair... it’s fucking scary. And it’s only made worse with the following subject: The Line between reality and fantasy.

[thuskindlyshescatters]

Question: Why do people like Raven, the mass murdering, child-abandoning woman who is hated by everyone in her family for a specific reason, and yet want Whitley, the kid who said a few mean things to his older sister but ultimately did nothing at all, to die?

Context.

Let’s take this out of RWBY context. Actually, let’s take this out of TUMBLR context, because Tumblr usually turns into a hell hole of people saying you can’t like villains and whatnot.

Let’s talk about… hmm, let’s see… Darth Vader. Now that’s a character I’ve yet to see labeled as “problematic” on this site.

LOOOONG post under the cut.

So. Darth Vader.

Darth Vader is the leader of the Sith and ultimately the evil Empire, whose mission is to blow up PLANETS FULL OF BILLIONS OF PEOPLE, MURDER AS MANY MEMBERS OF THE REBEL ALLIANCE AS POSSIBLE, and KILL ALL JEDI. You know I’m not exaggerating, because assuming we’ve all seen Star Wars, this is common knowledge. Onscreen, he also abandons his wife, intends to kill his children, kills Obi Wan Kenobi, and slashes his son’s hand off when he doesn’t get what he wants. Oh, yeah, and he slaughters about 100 children at the Jedi Academy.

So, we can all agree that Darth Vader is a bad guy.

So why do we like him?

Why do we, as an audience, feel this desire to forgive him? We all know, and saw, how awful he is, and yet, when he finally reunites with his son, he comes together to, at first, fight him and cling to his ways, but then unites with him after seeing a better part of himself in his son to defeat the ultimately greater evil, Emperor Palpatine.

And by the time he dies, we are SUPER, SUPER conflicted about this guy. We might even cry along with Luke when we see him dying. We see how vulnerable and scarred he is under his dark exterior (literally), and see his regret and sorrow over doing what he did. Some of the audience ignores this and still thinks he should die. But most of us see his fear, see his regret, and see his conflict over his actions that we are feeling as well. He connects to the audience’s pain, and that’s what ultimately gets us to feel bad for him, because he feels bad in almost the same way we do.

Now, let’s compare that to Raven.(I know, hush, I’ll get to Whitley in a second.)

Raven leads a tribe whose mission is to survive by whatever means possible, including theft, burning, slaughtering people, and murdering Huntsmen, not caring about the Grimm and despair they leave in their wake. Additionally, Raven herself had been shown to abandon her family, neglect her child, and threaten Yang’s life when she doesn’t get what she wants. Oh, yeah, and she trained SPECIFICALLY to murder people.

Go reread the Darth Vader paragraph, and compare.

We see Raven’s regret over leaving. We see her desperation in making Yang try to stay, and her private sadness that Yang has parts of her in her, because she knows that will keep her from her goal. We see a guilt complex, that blames others for her hardships like Ozpin, but yet leaves her hanging her head when Yang admits to her she was not being the kind mother that she wished she had been. Furthermore, we see how gratefully she treats Vernal, and how fiercely loyal she is to her people.

I think us, as an audience, can relate to some of this. Feeling guilty? Regretful? Ashamed? Feeling like they should have done more? That they’re a bad person? We, as the audience, regret Raven having left Yang, and connect with her regret in a way that makes us favor her reasoning. Raven feels bad, and we’re like “GODDAMN RIGHT, YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD,” but… now we’re connecting with one of Raven’s emotions. Now, we’re starting to see her as a person, with experiences we can relate to. It inspires a feeling of forgiveness for her that we want to give to ourselves. And, sure, STILL, has Raven probably killed children before? Yes. But don’t forget – so has Darth Vader, and we still love him fine. While RWBY’s writing is not NEARLY as perfect as Star Wars’, it’s the same archetype.

Maybe, like Vader, she WILL reunite with her daughter, and at first, want to fight her and stick to her old ways, but then see a better part of herself in her daughter and unite to fight against the ultimately greater evil, Salem.

(Again, if that felt familiar, reread the Vader paragraph above.)

I mean, hell, Qrow blames Raven for Yang losing her arm! GUESS HOW LUKE LOST HIS ARM, TAKE A WILD FUCKIN’ GUESS–

…Anyways. What about Whitley?

Well, for one, a lot of the “I WANT SHITLEY TO DIE” thing is coming from exaggeration. A better translation would be “I want Weiss to attain the catharsis she needs, because I can relate to that character relationship and would feel satisfied with her doing something that would somehow harm his ego or pride.”

How often, when you were (let’s say) 11, did you get mad at your mom or something, and wish she would die? Well, you didn’t actually want her to die, you just… wanted her to feel how bad YOU felt, and the animal brain usually translates that to the worst possible thing EVER, which in this case is death.

Did your mom ever get that kind of cathartic redemption? I doubt it. But then you calmed down, forgave her, and moved on with your life. Alternatively, you could be mad at her to this very day, but… that’s an issue you should resolve on your own.

Anyways, the same principal can be used with an annoying little brother. Maybe you have one, maybe you don’t (I don’t), but ultimately, people less mature than you who know you personally genuinely do shitty things. Why? Because they know their immaturity will excuse it, and they know that you’ll eventually forgive them, but be really irritated for the time being.

Whitley is not an annoying little brother.

I mean, sure, he taunts Weiss for a bit when she’s locked in her room, but that’s not because he doesn’t know any better. That’s deliberate dehumanization, passed down by his snake of a father, and is something that one only does when they feel they’re in a position of authority (which he now does).

Have you ever been taunted by someone who feels their better than you? Say, a school bully? Have you ever wanted to punch them in the nose? Cause if you haven’t, you’re lacking human experiences that make people overcome wanting to punch people in the nose, and you’re probably not complex enough to know what’s happening to you. 

So, in this scenario, Weiss is an outlet for members of the audience who recognize a taunting dipshit who thinks he’s better than Weiss [us, since we project onto characters we like], and have the natural human urge to want him to suffer. Not like, in hell, but get a taste of his own medicine.

Another instance of where our disdain for Whitley worsens is when at first, we see him as this figure who’s… cocky, sure, but actually seems like he cares for Weiss’s wellbeing. However, later, it turns out that he sides with his father, because he gave him power, and abandons Weiss emotionally, betraying her trust in a time of need.

Has someone you trusted ever left you when you needed them? Sure, you might have felt SAD, but then you felt angry, and… I don’t know, wanted to punch a pillow or something and pretend it was them. Kind of like when your mom doesn’t let you do what you wanted – you think “I WISH YOU WOULD DIE!”, but what you mean is “I’m upset, and want you to feel how upset I am.”

So, yeah. TL;DR:

Raven has a villain complex as old as time, where she does terrible things, but ultimately shares enough human qualities with the audience that we can empathize with until some of us (clearly not all of us, since apparently you’ve never regretted something or don’t have the character comprehension to recognize her regret) forgiver her enough to start seeing her as a character we like. Not ignoring her terrible deeds, but sympathizing enough to think she is interesting.

Whitley is a combination of an unfair mom, a school bully with a superiority complex, and a friend who’s betrayed you, all at the same time. Since the general human reaction to such injustices is “wow, I hate you and want you to die” (once again, “die” meaning “suffer in a way that I have that feels absolutely terrible, and death is the most terrible thing I can imagine”), and since the audience is meant to see through Weiss’s eyes, we basically decide we want our outlet in the story, Weiss, to beat the living daylights out of Whitley.

When it boils down to it: a person’s implied actions don’t matter to us. But when we’ve seen how they interact with characters we identify with (Yang, Weiss), we feel like they’re interacting with us. And while we’re starting to see Raven at eye level and she’s becoming a character we identify with, we see Whitley from Weiss’s view and go “holy shit, you’re a bag of dicks.”

Raven is taking a turn for the better. We want to like her, when in the past we haven’t.

Whitley is taking a turn for the worse. We want to hate him, when in the past we haven’t.

…

You wanted an answer!