#yeah bad night mentally and emotionally for that to walk into at home especially since while i understand what i ddi wrong yesterday

[robertsbarbie]

i do a really bad thing where i have a conversation in my head but then retaliate out loud like when i’m overwhelmed i’ll be like ‘gosh everyone is being so annoying and so loud’ and then the second someone talks to me directly i’ll be like ‘STOP DONT TALK TO ME’ instead of being normal in the first place and asking people to not talk to me in a polite manner

[cjsinkythoughts]

Right From Left

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Word Count: 3085

Warnings: !FATWS SPOILERS!, Cursing, Zemo being a punk, Bucky getting a little scary, some feelings, Sam being his fantastic, amazing, caring for everyone self

A/N: Here it is! At long last! I’ve been waiting for this episode and it was…holy fuck. I barely have words. And I can’t start or else I’ll be ranting for pages. Anyways, I know this Part is a little on the shorter side - not by much, but it still is - and it doesn’t even cover half the episode, but I’ve had a long day and I’m tired, so I’m going to sleep. I wanted to stop before Walker entered the picture too, because then I’m just gonna get more riled up and I’m working later. I’ll probably have another part out today, and then I’ll finish it tomorrow. Unless I can finish it today. I’ll try, but no promises.

Feel free to rant to me about the episode or the show, too, guys! My friends and I have been going back and forth about it for the past few hours. I’d love to hear your thoughts! I think that’s all for now.

As always, this isn’t beta’d so please excuse any mistakes! Thank you for reading, be kind to yourself and others, enjoy this part and stay tuned!

FATWS Masterlist

cjsinkythoughts Masterlist

!SPOILERS BELOW CUT!

You were avoiding him.

When you first got to Latvia, he had pulled you aside, eyes wide and pleading. “Doll, listen-”

“I really don’t think right now is the time to have the discussion we’re about to have.” Shaking your head, you avoided his gaze, your stomach twisting into knots. It was too much for you to handle; you couldn’t focus on the mission at hand and try to unravel the emotions that were making your gut flip like a gymnast. There were too many thoughts in your head, and you needed a clear mind.

“But-”

“Once this is all done, and our lives aren’t in danger. Once we’re back home, then we can talk, okay? Just…please. Not here. Not now.”

And he dropped it. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to talk about it. You just couldn’t. You had always been a ‘leave your baggage at the door’ type of person. Don’t mix work with personal. Not like you had much “personal” anyways when you first decided that was how it should be. And then your coworkers became family and your motto got a lot harder to follow. But you still followed it. And you would continue to follow it.

But that made you start avoiding him. Whether you meant to or not, everyone noticed, but no one said anything. Sam shot you a look when you didn’t offer to go with Bucky when he had to check something out. Zemo raised an eyebrow when he came back and, instead of immediately questioning him, you sat still on the couch, eyes glancing up briefly, before going back to playing with the strings of your hoodie.

You were paying attention to their conversation, especially when Karli Morgenthau was brought up, you just didn’t join in. Not even when Zemo mentioned the Avengers, eyeing you to see your reaction.

Honestly, you were tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your shoulder hurt, your brain couldn’t process what the guys were talking about, and your heart couldn’t take any more hits.

It was something you’d been thinking about…you just thought it’d come after this mission.

“She will not stop. She will escalate until you kill her…or she kills you.”

“Maybe you’re wrong Zemo. The Serum never corrupted Steve.”

For the first time since he first walked in, your eyes met Bucky’s. “Touche.” Zemo pointed at Bucky with a pastry around his finger. “But there has never been another Steve Rogers, has there?”

But you couldn’t wait until after this mission. Not when he was so connected to it. “I think I’m gonna go home.” You blurted out before Zemo and Bucky could argue further, Bucky slumping down onto the opposite side of the couch.

The moment the words left your lips, Sam and Bucky shot up, staring at you in disbelief.

“Wait, hold up. What? Now? We’re so close-”

“Why? Is it your arm? Is it hurting? You should’ve told us-”

“I’m just tired.” You cut in, shaking your head. “That’s all. I didn’t expect this to be drawn out this long when you called, Sammy.”

Bucky’s hand twitched as he hesitatingly scooted closer to you. “Doll, if this is because what happened on the jet-”

“It’s not, Buck.” You tried to give him a convincing smile, but you knew by the look in his eyes that he didn’t buy it for one second. You reached over to squeeze his hand, and when you pulled back, he held on tighter, a sigh escaping his lips as he stared down at your linked hands.

“Okay…if you wanna go home, we can get you home. Just…” His head turned back to you, a pleading pout on his features. “Just…stay. Another day. Please. You can keep avoiding me, I won’t even say another word to you if you don’t want. But stay. Just for one more day.”

Chewing on your cheek, you finally nodded slightly. “Okay. One more day.”

His eyes lit up, before his face fell again when you took your hand back and curled into the corner of the couch. “Let’s talk shop, boys.”

“Okay. So, from my understanding, Donya is like a pillar of the community, right?” Sam easily changed the topic back to the situation at hand, giving you a reassuring wink when you smiled at him gratefully. “So when I was a kid, my Tee Tee passed away.”

Bucky screwed his face up in confusion, straightening his head from where he had it leaned back. “Your - your Tee Tee?”

Sam gave him a look. “Yeah. My-my Tee Tee, yeah.”

Bucky looked at him weirdly. “Who is your Tee Tee?”

The exchange made you giggle a little bit, shaking your head. “Bucky’s a city boy from the 40’s, remember, Sammy?”

“Fine.” Sam rolled his eyes. “When I was a kid my aunt passed away.”

Bucky gave a slight huff, making you chuckle again. You stopped when he smiled over at you, but your grin didn’t leave your face. Even when they were the ones to give you a headache, your fellas were damn entertaining, that’s for sure.

With a sort-of plan in place - the gathering for Donya being no more than a theory, but the only idea you really had - you stretched out from your spot on the couch, twisting to crack your back. “Zemo.” The man stopped his rummaging through the cabinets and looked over his shoulder at you, an eyebrow raised. “Go put some clothes on. We’ve got work to do.”

He gave you an unimpressed look, opening his mouth, but Sam beat him to the punch. “Do as the lady says, man. You’re already walking on a tightrope after you shot Nagel!” Zemo waved dismissively at Sam’s exclamation, heading into a separate room to change out of his robe. “That guy is gonna drive me up the wall.”

“Don’t let him get to that pretty head of yours, Sammy.” You hummed, standing up, wincing slightly as you stretched your sore shoulder over your head.

You could tell Bucky wanted to say something, the way he snapped forwards, hands moving down his thigh like he was leaning over to reach for you, his eyes locked on your injured joint, but, just as he said earlier, he didn’t say a word. But the part that made you upset was…you didn’t stop him. You didn’t tell him it was okay for him to talk to you. You didn’t reassure him that you weren’t purposely trying to avoid him. You simply moved over to the kitchen to get something to drink.

It hurt worse than your shoulder, but you couldn’t handle it. Not then. Not with such an important part of the mission coming up. So you didn’t say anything. You just sipped your water, switching into tactic mode as your mind ran through the scenarios of what could possibly go down in the next 24 hours before you went home.

*************************

Walking under the arch, you couldn’t help but feel saddened as Zemo told you about what the courtyard used to look like. Thanos messed the world up so much more than you realized and, as much as you hated to admit it, the Avengers did have a part in it. Not that they - you - were in the wrong, necessarily. You truly believed you did what anyone in that situation, with the skills and abilities and knowledge the team had, would do what you did. Or tried to do.

“I’m gonna take a look around upstairs.” Sam stated, looking up at the upper stories of the building, before glancing at Bucky. “See what you can find out here. And keep an eye on him.”

“I’ll come with you.” You said, turning on your heel to follow Sam. The back of Bucky’s gloved hand brushed against yours, and instinctually you turned your palm to link your fingers and squeezing. You let go quickly once you realized what you were doing, nearly tripping up the stairs to get to Sam, not daring to wait for Bucky’s reaction.

“You’re an idiot.” He stated simply as soon as you met him at the top of the stairs.

“Can we focus on finding Donya right now, please?” You grumbled, moving forwards cautiously, peeking around the corner. You frowned when you saw two guys at the end of the hallway, looking back at you and Sam warily.

“You need to hear what he has to say, cher.”

You sighed, rubbing your forehead. “I know I do. I know. But I can’t. Not right now. I’m just trying to get this over with first. I don’t want too many things on my plate. I might choke.” It already felt like you were drowning most nights.

He paused at your words, giving you a once over, before nodding. “Okay. I can respect that.”

“Thank you.” You told him earnestly. “Now let’s try to get something from these people.”

He nodded in agreement and you two continued forwards with your search. Room after room, people walked out before you could get anything from them, locking doors behind them. The Flag Smashers logo was everywhere, but you expected nothing less from a refugee camp that practically worshipped what they were doing.

Even when you did get a guy to talk to you, he immediately shut you down, leaving you and Sam dejected. The fact that the world had gotten so bad that these people couldn’t trust you and Sam - Avengers; people who used to be heroes and bring hope to others - it made your heart sink.

“C’mon, Y/N.”

“Are we wrong?”

He froze at your question, his lips pressing together. “About what, exactly?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know. I just…I guess I can’t tell right from left anymore. I always assumed that the Avengers were the good guys. That the actions we’ve taken in the past were us making the world a better place, but…Sokovia and Ultron. Germany and the whole civil war thing we had going on. The entire world and Thanos. We don’t truly ever win. Do we?”

“I can’t answer that for you.” Sam shook his head. “I can’t tell you what to believe or who to believe in. But I can tell you that we’ve made a difference. Steve, Nat, Tony…they made a difference.”

“But was it a good difference? Was it a change? There’s a difference between changing the world and just making it different, Sam.”

He blinked at you, nodding slowly. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. And I don’t have that answer for you either. But they tried. They did what they thought was right. No matter if it was or not. And isn’t that all we can do? Try?”

His words made you think back to the conversation you had with Bucky once he learned about John Walker, which seemed so long ago. When you told him it wasn’t Sam’s fault. That he was just trying. That he did what he thought was right. 

And maybe he was wrong. But he made a decision. It was his decision. To do the right thing. And right then, not for the first time, you could see exactly what Steve saw in the man in front of you.

“You’re a good man, Sam.”

Sam grinned, slinging an arm around your shoulders and squeezing. “And you’re an incredible person, Y/N. Let’s go see if Bucky and the Baron got anything.”

You snickered at his mocking tone towards Zemo and nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

*****************************

You didn’t like it. You didn’t like it one bit. So far, Zemo kept proving you wrong. Even when it seemed like he was about to jump ship, he came back. No matter how many opportunities he had to escape, he never did. And it was making you even more suspicious.

You stayed out of Bucky and Sam’s conversation, although you had to agree with Sam’s point, especially with the conversation you just had.

Your thoughts were running a thousand miles a minute, only to be interrupted by Zemo information about the funeral this afternoon. Guess a snake will always be a snake.

“And you, uh, didn’t think this was important information?” You questioned, eyes narrowed and brow pinched.

He shrugged. “You have it now, don’t you, princess?”

Bucky growled at the nickname, leaning back on the couch, threatening Zemo with the Dora Milaje.

You can’t remember a time you’ve ever been scared of Bucky. Maybe a little threatened and intimidated by the Winter Soldier, but never scared of Bucky. And when he stood up after Zemo mentioned leverage, you didn’t expect anything from it; maybe another choke hold or something. So the glass hitting the wall, the clench in his jaw as he spoke gruffly to the Baron, for a mere second, he kind of frightened you. Maybe it was all the emotions you’d been through the past few weeks or maybe it was the adrenaline that seemed to be pulsing through your veins 24/7 nowadays. Whatever it was, it made you flinch, bolting up as Sam did.

You left the room quickly, hearing Sam say something about making a call, hoping to calm your racing heart.

“Doll?” You sat up from the bed you were laying on, legs hanging off the edge. Bucky stood in the doorway, nervously shifting his feet. “I know I said I’d leave you alone, but…”

You gave the bed a pat next to you and he gladly accepted the invitation, padding over to sit besides you. “I don’t want you to leave me alone, Buck. You’re my best friend. I-I just need to take it one thing at a time right now.”

He nodded. “I get it. I wasn’t…I wasn’t coming in to talk to you about that. You said we’ll talk about it later, so we’ll talk about it later.”

“I appreciate that, Bucky.” You smiled at him, before frowning. “What did you wanna talk about then? Are you okay?”

“Did I…did I scare you?”

You blinked at his question, tilting your head. “What?”

Jerking his head to the doorway he explained, “just then. With Zemo. Your heart spiked.”

“No.” You answered immediately. You would never ever admit that he kind of did scare you. It was just for a second and you knew how his brain worked; he’d beat himself up over it, go over his actions for hours instead of getting the rest he so desperately needs and deserves. He didn’t need that on his conscience right now. “I wasn’t - I just…you startled me. I wasn’t expecting that reaction-”

“I didn’t like the way he talked to you.” He spat out, glaring at his hands in his lap. “And then the smug bastard thought he was gonna get away with holding back information like that and I just…I dunno.”

His hand came off his thigh, but he hesitated. Before he could put it down again, you slipped your hand under his, linking your fingers, running your thumb in circles against his palm. “Don’t let him get to you, Buck. Don’t give him the satisfaction.”

A sigh left his lips and he nodded. “I know, I know. It’s just…hard. After everything he put me through - put us through - I…I just hate that he’s really our only option.”

You frowned, shifting on the bed to face him, one leg bending beneath you while the other still hung over. “Why are you so obsessed with catching these guys?”

“I wanna do something right.” He murmured, playing with your fingers. “I’ve done so much wrong…I just wanna do something right. And I feel...responsible for it, I guess. In a way. It’s Super Soldier Serum. I thought I was the only one after Steve…” He froze at the blonde’s mention, giving you a side-eyed glance. You nudged him, silently telling him to continue, that it was okay to talk about him. “And Sam’s right, you know. She’s just a kid. So…I dunno. I wanna help. I wanna do something right. And catching them would help. It’s right. Right?”

You nodded firmly. “I understand where they’re coming from. Karli’s just trying to help the world. But she’s doing it wrong. And that I know for absolute certainty. Which is good, I guess. I was talking to Sam early and I mentioned not knowing my right from my left recently. It’s good I know something, huh? And for you it should be easy telling your right from your left.” You joked, tracing the gold lines on his metal arm. “I guess you’re just gonna have to stay besides me to help me remember.”

Looking up, you found Bucky staring at you with something you recognized in his eyes, but didn’t want to name. “Three hours, forty two minutes and thirty one seconds.”

“What?”

“That’s how long I didn’t talk to you. It was too long.”

You sighed, ducking your head. “Bucky, I’m sorry-”

“I’m sorry. For anything and everything I’ve ever done wrong. I won’t mention the plane or anything we’ve talked about until you bring it up first. I promise. Just…just don’t ignore me anymore? I'm not sure I can handle it for much longer.”

You nodded, watching your fingertips dance along his scruffy jaw. “I won’t.” He caught your wrist, opening his mouth, before shaking his head and closing it. “What?”

He shook his head again. “Not until you bring it up.”

“We will talk, James. I promise.”

“You don’t have to explain. I get it. I really do. It’s okay. As long as we’re okay for right now, I can hold it in a bit longer.”

You nearly asked him what he was holding in, but you quickly shoved the question out of your mind, knowing it would take you down a conversation you couldn’t possibly have right then. “How long do you think we have?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. Zemo just said that it’s this afternoon. Why?”

“I started reading The Great Gatsby on the plane. I’ve got it on my phone. It kinda reminds me of you. Do you-do you think we have time to read some? Only if you want, I mean. Like we used to do in Wakanda?”

He grinned and nodded, scooting up on the bed and flopping down into the pillows. You smiled back, following his lead. Once you were comfortable, your phone out with the chapter you were on, Bucky scooted closer, laying his head on your stomach, hugging your waist. 

“Is this okay?”

Your fingers found home in his hair and you nodded when he looked up at you for an answer. “Yeah. It’s perfect, Buckaroo.”

[adorerdraco]

I’m Here ✧ Draco x Reader

Request: Hi, so I’m not sure if you’re taking these kinds of fics for Draco, but I’ve been feeling really down lately, and I was wondering if you could write a one shot or a scenario where the reader has been having a really bad day/week and Draco comforts them? And maybe Draco lays the reader on his chest and he hums a small tune to make the reader feel better? You can ignore this if it’s an issue, but I’d really appreciate it. I love all of your fics btw! They make me really happy <3

Warnings: none bc mostly fluff, some tears, super soft!draco

Words: 1.9K

A/N: i saw this and had to do it effective immediately bc i am feeling the exact same wayyy so this was really nice to think about ;( thank you so much for requesting this and for reading my stuff and i’m so glad i can help in a way <3 i’m sending you nothing but peace, love, and light !!! but i really hope this is gooood <3 do not own gif

Life was punishing you, you thought. It had to be. Because there was no way how in the span of a week everything in your day-to-day life had gone from okay to borderline catastrophic. It was as if every situation you were in was taking its form in the worst case possible scenario and all you could do was watch hopelessly as things continuously got worse sprinkled with small misfortunes in between.

It started on a regular Monday morning, sitting down for breakfast in the Great Hall with blissful ignorance. Halfway through eating your toast, your owl had come in through the open large glass windows and dropped a letter onto your plate from home that left you some very unfortunate news and had set forth a ripple effect that began making everything else go downhill as your days progressed. By the end of the school week, you had managed to blow up a potion, lose house points because of said potion when it splashed onto some people and had some physically altering effects, tripped over your footing and fell in the middle of a crowded corridor, failed a surprise quiz, forgot to turn in an essay, got into an argument with a friend, accidentally slept in and missed a morning class, and took a trip to the hospital wing for a migraine that didn’t want to leave you alone. You could’ve sworn you had somehow been thrown into purgatory, or limbo, or something outer-worldly. 

“Are you alright?” Draco had asked you right after breakfast that Monday morning as he was walking you to your first class. “What was in the letter your owl gave you? You look worried.”

“It was nothing,” you dismissed quickly, trying to put on a half-hearted smile while you spoke to make it more convincing. “I’m fine, just tired.”

It was the beginning of the week, and he did keep you up late the night before when you were sneaking around together, so he just shook his head up and down and took your excuse even though he felt like there was more to it than you were letting on. But as the days went on, he was becoming more observant of the way you were acting and even looking. He didn’t like that every morning he saw the shadows under your eyes get deeper and darker, and he didn’t like how you would close your eyes in pain when you would groan about your headache. He also didn’t like the way he hadn’t seen you truly smile or laugh all week even when he tried countless times to amuse you or cheer you up. But what he didn’t like most of all was that he felt like there was nothing he could do. 

On Wednesday afternoon, he tried asking you again. You were sitting in the Quad with him on a bench and he was telling you a story from earlier in the day about how he had ‘accidentally’ tripped this Gryffindor boy and got Snape to take away house points from him that he thought for sure would you make laugh or perhaps give him a disapproving redirection, but when he glanced up to see your reaction, he noticed you weren’t even listening, to begin with. You had been staring down at your shoes and the way they lined up against the cracks in the pavement, kicking around some gravel as your mind was running a million thoughts per second.

“Love?” He said to you softly. You looked up at him swiftly with a quiet questioning hum, e/c eyes widened slightly from being ripped away from your thoughts suddenly. “You know if something’s bothering you, you can talk to me.”

“I know,” you nodded warmly. “I’m okay, Dray. I’m honestly just tired.”

And you were telling the truth, in a sense. You really were tired; physically, mentally, emotionally.

He frowned, dissatisfied with your answer. “Right, well if anything at all comes up, I’m here.”

From then on, Draco took it upon himself to try and increase his affections and compliments. He would hug you a little tighter, kiss you a little longer, whisper sweet little nothings into your ear before he left you for class. You felt a little bad lying to him, withholding the truth from him, and you saw the concern in his light gray’s when you’d meet him in the mornings and for the rest of the day, but it only made you feel a tad bit worse. You were starting to feel guilty for the way he was worrying, feeling like you were dragging him down into the dumps with you and raining on his usual carefree parades.

On Friday morning, you didn’t meet him for breakfast and you were out of the Great Hall faster than he could catch you. He felt like a stalker when he walked by your class, peeking his head in to see if you were there and well. He spotted you sitting at your desk, hunched over your unopened books with a grimace on your face and your head in your hands. He wanted to go in and whisk you away to somewhere far and quiet, but the Professor had caught him by the door and sent him on his way before he could even think of doing anything of the sort.

You felt the day had gone by extremely slow, relative to how the week was moving and also impossibly dismal. You were counting down the minutes until the end of the school day, ready to run to your dorm right after your last class and bury yourself deep into your duvet and pillows for the rest of the weekend.

Head still pounding, you trudged over to your final class, stopping outside the doors when you saw a small group of your housemates standing around with unnerved expressions as they passed each other papers and spoke in hushed tensed tones.

“I studied all night but my friend took the test earlier and she told me during lunch that it had stuff on it that wasn’t even in the reading!” You heard one exclaim in distress.

“We have a test?” You accidentally said aloud and a pair of eyes turned to look at you confusingly.

“Yeah? Professor’s been telling us all week.”

A scoff of disbelief escaped your lips, an overwhelming sense of defeat washing over you as you turned briskly on your heel and in the opposite direction of your classroom. Tears started pricking at your eyes, you felt the stinging of them wanting to be released but you refused to let them all out in the open and especially in front of people who were still taking their time to head to their classes. 

You were making a beeline towards your common room, blinking rapidly to try and clear your vision that was quickly pooling with unshed tears while trying to steady your breathing in another failed attempt to calm yourself. You were nearly there, you could tell by the paintings and doors that you passed by and the black stain splattered on the floor you saw every day on your way to the dorms from someone’s dropped ink bottle that Filch hasn’t been able to get rid of. 

Almost there, you kept repeatedly reminding yourself.

All hope of solace was gone when you didn’t notice the body you had unknowingly crashed into. All you felt were strong hands around your biceps, holding you in place from toppling backward and the very familiar scent of expensive cologne and mint.

“Y/N? Why aren’t you in class?” You looked up at the platinum blond sadly, his worried eyes searching yours with such care that it pushed you over the edge.

You didn’t answer him and instead wrapped your arms tightly around Draco’s middle, burying your face deep into his robes and letting out quiet and frail weeps that broke his heart. He held you tightly, pressing kisses to the top of your head and muttering soft “I’m here’s” into your hair. You stayed in his embrace for a few minutes, letting your tears freely fall into his vest with a sense of relief that only he was able to give you at this point in time.

“I’m sorry I cried on you,” you choked out when you pulled away from him, desperately wiping away at your eyes with the back of your sleeve.

“You don’t ever have to apologize for that,” he said quickly. He brought his hand up to your face, his thumb swiping delicately over a stray tear that was sitting on your jaw while you closed your eyes in comfort. “Do you want to go back to my room? I can set you up really nicely and we can talk if you’d like?”

“Yes please, I’d like that a lot.”

Draco interlocked your fingers with his, bringing the pair up to his lips with a warm kiss on the back of your hand before walking the two of you over to the entrance of the Slytherin common room. It was empty when you walked in, not a soul in sight since everyone was still in class and it made it much easier for him to sneak you into his singular Prefect room you were now extremely grateful he had. He watched contently when you shed off your robes and kicked off your shoes and immediately slipped into one of his dark green jumpers that fit you big. 

You were perched on the edge of his bed, his scent from his sweater engulfing you and doing a much better job of calming you down than you wanted to admit. He followed in your footsteps and changed into something comfier and when he finally sat beside you with his hand falling over yours as an encouragement to talk - you did. You vented to him all about the letter from home, the migraine, your classes, the argument between you and your friend, and everything else that came to mind.

“And I feel bad for ignoring you and not telling you all this before but I didn’t want to burden you,” you finished with sniffles, gazing up at him with a gloomy expression. 

“Y/N, I love you, and nothing you say to me is a burden,” he frowned slightly, “when I tell you I’m here, I mean it, for anything. You’re so important to me and it kills me to see you upset.”

In a careful movement, he had scooted towards you and affectionately cupped your face before placing a loving kiss on your forehead and murmured to you, “don’t ever hesitate to come to me.”

You let him pull you under his covers, draping his large duvet over your entangled bodies with your head resting right above his chest, the steady beatings of his heart instantly sending you into a much-needed peace. His chin was rested right atop your head and you felt his fingers run up and down your arm soothingly while he thought.

“Is there anything else I can do to make you feel better?” He asked quietly.

“Can you help me fall asleep?” you muttered, closing your eyes gently when his hand smoothed over the back of your hair. You felt him nod against your head and after a small moment silence, you heard him begin to hum the faint tune of your favorite song.

You lied there in bliss, enjoying the way his chest was vibrating against your ear and the way his fingers were playing with the ends of your hair, curling the strands around his fingers and then moving upwards to massage your scalp. And for a minute, everything was finally okay again as you drifted off into a peaceful sleep, a full heart and with your love calmly lulling you away with a soft and now distant humming.

[hotpinkhoshi]

kiss it better | five

pairing: mark tuan x reader

genre: angst, eventual smut, brother’s best friend au (sort of)

warnings: tw for death, death of a parent, reference to drug addiction

word count: 4.5k

summary: you were off limits for more reasons than mark could count. but everything changed for him the day you walked into his tattoo shop with those big innocent eyes and a laugh like his favorite song. he couldn’t. he wouldn’t. and yet…

a/n: hi babies thank you for your patience, i know it’s been many many months since i’ve updated! the last time i posted for kib was all the way back in may, which is crazy, i know. but life has been weird and it’s been difficult for me to find the motivation to write. it’s slowly coming back for me and i’m so glad you guys have stuck around with me even if i haven’t been consistent. i’m more grateful than you know!

✩ index here ✩

“She did what?” Dahyun asked, her bite of gimbap nearly falling right out of her mouth. 

Youngjae threw his head back and broke into laughter entirely at Mark’s expense. 

Mark ran his tongue over his teeth and refused to look up at his friends, focusing awfully hard on the sketch he’d been working on in between appointments. He quickly realized that they had absolutely no sympathy for him. 

“Yeah.” 

It had been two weeks already since that night, and Mark was just now feeling comfortable enough to spill what had happened after he took you home. He liked to take his own time to process his thoughts before he revealed them to others, and quite frankly, he hadn’t even wanted to tell anyone. But he was starting to think maybe he needed an outside perspective. 

“She has guts,” Youngjae said, after finally pulling himself upright in his chair. “Was it good?” 

“Dude,” Mark warned, far from amused. 

Dahyun cut in. “It’s a good enough question. From what I’ve seen, you guys have some intense sexual tension. If the kiss was hot, maybe it’s worth exploring.” 

“We don’t have sexual tension,” Mark defended. 

Youngjae snorted. 

“Sure. But, let’s say if you did, and the kiss was good…” Dahyun trailed off, wiggling her eyebrows. 

Groaning, Mark tapped the end of his pencil against the desk. He glanced up at the wall, his eyes naturally drawn to the photo of your shoulder, of the tattoo he’d designed and permanently inked onto your skin. It wasn’t the only photo he had pinned up of his previous work, but it was the one he looked at the most. 

“She’s a kid,” he said, little to no conviction in his voice. 

But you weren’t a kid. Mark knew in every way, you were an adult. Even mentally, emotionally, you seemed more mature than he felt most days. Packing up your belongings because you refused to live a life you weren’t satisfied with? He couldn’t imagine anything more grown up than that.

“Mark,” Youngjae’s tone was firm, serious this time. “It’s not the worst thing in the world if you have chemistry with someone. I know it may not be the most convenient girl for you, but… you’ve been by yourself for a long time. You can’t tell me you aren’t lonely.” 

He hadn’t thought he was lonely until you came into his life. He had been fine, so fine, living on his own. Waking up alone, eating dinner alone, focusing on his work and living one day to the next. 

But now, he looked forward to the sound of your keys in the door when you got home from your evening shift. He bought your favorite brand of orange juice instead of his. He didn’t mind watching outlandish and obviously fake reality shows if it meant that he got to hear your commentary along with it. More than anything, he’d gotten used to the way you made him feel. In the simplest of terms, he was happy. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Mark said. “I already fucked it up.”

Dahyun narrowed her eyes. “What did you do?” 

He rubbed some of the tension out of his forehead, relaying the conversation he’d had with Taehyung that night to his friends. The exchange wasn’t longer than a few minutes, but it was long enough for Mark to potentially ruin everything you’d built for yourself in the last couple of months. 

“I didn’t tell him everything - I couldn’t do that. But I told him I’d seen her in the city, that I thought maybe she worked in one of the restaurants near the shop…” A knot of guilt coiled in his stomach. “Fuck.” 

He’d just wanted to do the right thing. You were young, you couldn’t see that your parents cared about you. Taehyung cared about you. They deserved to know where you were, especially after everything they had done for him. He could at least point them in the right direction. 

“Well, shit,” Youngjae offered, a sympathetic frown on his face. 

“I fucked her over, and I haven’t been able to look her in the eye since. We’ve just avoided each other for the last two weeks and I-” Mark heaved a breath, leaning back in his chair. “I hate it.” 

He missed you. Even if he couldn’t say it out loud.

“I have an idea,” Dahyun said, her whole body perking up. “Don’t look at me like that, sometimes I have good ideas. Why don’t you invite her along for Yugyeom’s camping trip?”

“You mean the couple thing?” 

Dahyun sighed. “It’s not a couple thing. It’s just… everyone there is part of a couple. Anyway, it might be a good way to make things less awkward.” 

Mark blinked a few times, waiting for Dahyun to say ‘just kidding’ because it was an absolutely ridiculous idea. “What? How would that make things any less awkward?” 

She shrugged. “I mean, it’s a great opportunity to break the tension. If you know what I mean.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Mark scowled. 

You spent your entire shift thinking about Mark. Thinking about how you had completely messed up your relationship, and trying to figure out how to fix it all. It had been a stupid, drunken mistake, and you would take it back in a heartbeat if you could. 

The past two weeks had been torture, tiptoeing around and trying your hardest to avoid him. You’d picked up extra shifts almost every day, figuring that if you were working, at least you didn’t have to pretend like everything was normal. 

All you wanted was to come home, curl up on the couch with Milo and watch your favorite ridiculous TV shows while Mark snickered next to you, entertained by the disgustingly wealthy families on the screen no matter how much he pretended to hate it. You wanted to be able to lean into him, feel the body heat radiating off of him when his shoulder brushed yours. 

You missed Mark. Even if you couldn’t say it out loud. 

After much debating, you decided that the best way to apologize started with food. And you owed him, anyway, after he opened his home to you and let you stay there free of charge. A dinner was the least you could do. 

You could tell once you walked into Paradise Tattoo just before closing time that Mark hadn’t been expecting you in the slightest. He was at the desk, going over papers with Dahyun, when the bell dinged to signal your entrance. 

In his ripped jeans and muscle tee, all of his tattoos were on display for you, even the large quote he had inked onto his ribcage. You gulped and shoved your feelings down. That would only make things worse. 

“Hi,” you said, greeting both Mark and Dahyun. 

“Hey.” Mark scratched his head and straightened his posture. “What are you doing here?” 

“Well,” you started, wringing your hands in front of you. “I wanted to see if you wanted to get dinner? On me. I owe you, anyway.” 

Dahyun piped up, a mischievous smirk on her lips, “That’s a great idea. Mark was just talking about how hungry he was.

Mark cleared his throat and shot his co-worker what looked suspiciously like a glare. “No, I’m fine. You really don’t have to-” 

“Come on,” you said, hiding a smile. “How about burgers? There’s a good place around the corner. It won’t kill you to let me pay, will it?” 

You could see Mark weigh his options as he chewed his lip. Either end up hungry, settling for some quick frozen food later on, or bite the bullet and let you pay for his dinner. You knew it would hurt his pride to do so, but you wouldn’t back down. It was more than just the free room and board that you wanted to make up for. 

“Alright,” he finally agreed. “Let me grab my stuff.” 

It only took less than ten minutes for you to walk down to the burger place, but it felt like an hour as awkward silence hung around the two of you. It wasn’t until you were both seated at a corner booth inside the restaurant that you finally spoke up. 

“Listen, Mark,” you said, looking up from the packet of ketchup you’d been nervously squishing between your fingers. “About that night…” 

“No, you don’t-” Mark was quick to interrupt, but you held your hand up. 

“Just let me, okay?” You sighed. 

You’d rehearsed these words countless times in the bathroom mirror, and right now it felt like they were slipping right out of your fingers. Where were you supposed to start? With the kiss, straight away? Or getting so drunk that you’d needed to be taken care of in the first place?

“I’m just… really sorry. I was stupid to drink that much and it’s not your job to watch after me. I should be able to take care of myself.”

Mark stopped you again. “I didn’t mind taking care of you.” 

“But it’s not your job, Mark. I’m an adult, and you’re letting me stay with you and asking for nothing in return. The least I could do is make it easy on you.”

“Y/N, if you could have seen me at your age, you wouldn’t feel so bad. We all get drunk and stupid sometimes,” Mark said with a shrug. It almost relieved some of your guilt until you remembered the kiss in the bathroom. 

“Well...” You shook your head and looked back down at your hands. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him for this one. “I really shouldn’t have ki-” 

“Hi! My name’s Lana, I’ll be your server tonight. Can I get you two something to drink while you look over the menus?”

A cheerful brunette appeared in front of you, a pen behind her ear and a wide grin plastered on her face. You glanced at Mark, then up at your waitress, not sure if you were grateful for the interruption or not. 

“Um, can I just have a water?” you asked, voice small and uncomfortable in your throat. 

“Same for me,” Mark agreed. 

“Perfect! Let me know if you have any questions about the menu!” 

You let out a long breath before you were able to look at Mark again. He was biting his cheek, his lips all twisted and holding back a laugh. 

“What?” you asked. 

“Her timing,” Mark got out, just as he let go of his laughter, throwing his head back. 

To your own surprise, you found yourself shaking with laughter as well. Either from Mark’s contagious laugh giggle or the simple ridiculousness of the situation. Here you were, in a burger restaurant, apologizing to your older brother’s best friend for kissing him while you were heavily intoxicated.

You covered your face with your hands to suppress your own laughter, letting your back slump against the cushions of the booth. It all came to you then, just how silly you’d been the last two weeks. 

“I am sorry, though,” you said, after you both settled down. 

Mark’s eyes glinted as he watched you from across the table, the ghost of a smile still on his lips. “It’s alright. I mean it. Last time I was that drunk, I’m pretty sure I ran around the block in my underwear singing the Canadian national anthem.”

You giggled again at the mental image. “What? How did you even-”

“No idea. It’s like I was possessed by a drunk Canadian mischief demon.” 

It was strange to imagine Mark and Taehyung in their teen years, since you’d been so young at the time, you could barely remember anything from that time of your life. You remembered Taehyung wearing the same pair of purple skinny jeans for three months because a girl at school had told him she liked them. 

You remembered Taehyung letting you sit in the basement in your favorite cushioned chair while he and Mark played video games on the big screen. It had been your favorite place to read then, tuning out the rambunctious cries of defeat while you got lost in other worlds. 

“So we’re okay, then?” you asked, after Lana had come back to take your order and left once more. 

Mark nodded, a genuine smile on his lips. “We’re okay.” 

“Maybe it’s weird, but…” you began, staring down at the wrapped silverware on the table instead of looking Mark in the eye. “Even though I grew up seeing you as Taehyung’s friend, that feels like a lifetime ago. And now I just kind of see you as… my friend. Like somebody I can trust.” 

When you finally looked up at Mark, his expression was unreadable. His bottom lip was between his teeth, but his eyes looked somewhat uncomfortable. You worried for a second that you’d crossed a line. 

“I owe a lot to your family,” Mark said after another long moment passed. 

Even though you didn’t remember much about Mark from your childhood years, you knew his upbringing had been rough. His parents had been addicts, the kind that never should’ve been together, let alone bring a child into the world. 

You’d never met his mom, but your own mother had made enough snide comments about her after Mark had gone home for you to understand just what kind of person she was. 

“One of those low life, worthless drug addicts. Sleeping around with anyone that can help her out, if you know what I mean. Never should’ve been a mother.”

She had a funny way of showing her compassion sometimes. 

Taehyung brought him over once after school and your mother had gotten one look at his threadbare clothes and hollow cheeks and taken him in as her new project. At first, he ate dinner with your family almost every night, and then she started making Taehyung pass over his any extra clothes he’d gotten that didn’t fit properly or that he simply didn’t like.

Mark did owe a lot to your family. 

You didn’t know what to say. You’d been so young there was no way you could take credit for anything your parents had done for Mark, but still, you itched to comfort him. Even now, with the unsaid words lingering in the air, you sensed that he had never been able to fully open up to anybody. Though you didn’t deserve it, you wanted to be the first. 

“Your mom,” you found yourself saying. “Is she…?” 

Mark shook his head. “She’s gone. Passed away a couple years ago.” 

Your face fell. If anything, you had expected her to have taken off for good or maybe gotten into some trouble she couldn’t get herself out of, but you hadn’t expected her to be gone. 

“Oh, god, Mark. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

To your surprise, he only lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “I hadn’t seen her in a long time before that. Maybe two, three years. Then my aunt showed up on my doorstep with a box of her things and told me she OD’d in a gas station parking lot a week before.” 

His voice wavered only slightly, but enough to tell you he cared more than he let on. You could only imagine how painful it would be to hear of your own mother’s passing a week after the fact. 

“I’m sorry,” you said again. 

Mark shook his head. “Don’t be. It’s weird,” he said, tongue running over his lower lip as he paused. “I’d stopped seeing her as my mother so long ago that… I felt like I’d already mourned her death. Fuck, that sounds bad, doesn’t it?”

“No,” you answered as you reached across the table, fingers laying across the back of Mark’s hand. “It doesn’t. At all.”

A moment passed between the two of you. You caught Mark’s eyes glancing down at your hand resting on his skin, but he made no move to avoid your touch. 

“I never even went through her things. The box is just sitting at the back of my bedroom closet collecting dust.” 

“Do you want to go through her things?” you asked. 

Mark paused, chewing at the inside of his lip before he answered. “I don’t know.”

You nodded, somehow understanding exactly what he meant. Though you hadn’t gone through the same thing, you were familiar with avoiding a potentially painful and uncomfortable situation by simply pretending it didn’t exist. Hence why you had four unopened voicemails from your brother and parents. 

You found yourself stroking the back of Mark’s hand with your thumb. It didn’t feel wrong to touch him like this, even though maybe it should have. All you wanted was to bring him a shred of the comfort he had deserved to have for much longer than you’d known him. 

“Alrighty, and here we’ve got the bacon cheeseburger and sweet potato fries for the lady,” Lana exclaimed, immediately bursting your bubble as she returned to your table with your food balanced on a tray. You were quick to snatch your hand from Mark’s. “And a BBQ cheddar burger with curly fries for the handsome man.”

You didn’t miss the way Lana winked as she placed Mark’s food in front of him. This girl was not getting a generous tip from you, that was for sure. 

“I told you, after that depressing dinner conversation, we need to do something fun,” you told Mark as you carried your skincare basket out from the bathroom into the living room.

“And this is fun for who?” 

You threw him a playful glance and plopped down onto the floor in front of the couch on your knees, setting your basket on the cushion and sifting through it. 

“Both of us. Just trust me.” 

Catching the skeptic look on Mark’s face, you could only grin to yourself as you pulled out a tube of your favorite clay mask. He didn’t know just how relaxing a good face mask could be, but you were willing to show him. 

“I’ll even go first,” you told him. 

Mark lifted his feet to prop them up on the coffee table as Milo curled up like a tiny ball of cotton on his lap. You’d both changed out of your work clothes into comfy clothes, and you couldn’t help noticing how warm Mark looked in his white joggers and oversized black hoodie. You wouldn’t mind snuggling up into that space between his side and the couch cushion… 

You sighed and shook your head, attempting to clear the less-than-platonic thoughts from your mind. If you were going to make this friendship work, you would need to stop thinking about him like that. Immediately.

“Can I ask you something?” Mark said after a beat of silence as you popped open the cap to your mask. 

“Hm?” you asked, propping your personal sized makeup mirror on the couch so that you could see yourself while you applied your mask. 

“Yugyeom’s family has a yearly pass to this campground, and every year he does this weekend camping trip…” he trailed off for a moment and you forced yourself not to react, instead focusing on applying your charcoal mask to your cheeks. “This year, it somehow ended up as a couple thing, so Dahyun suggested I invited a friend along. So…” 

Lifting your eyes from your own reflection, you watched as Mark struggled to finish his thought. 

“So…” you said, helping him along. “Are you asking me to come with you?” 

Immediately, a neon flashing red alarm screeched in your mind. ‘This is a terrible idea! You must say no!’ it screamed.

“Only if you want to. I mean, it’s a cool place. Their lot is right by this swimming hole and there’s a fire pit, so we normally bring a ton of booze and cook our own food over the fire…” 

Mark ran his fingers through his deep red locks of hair, his nerves displayed clearly on his face. You weren’t sure why he was so nervous to ask you, but it came off as incredibly endearing. Despite the warnings blaring in your mind, you found yourself nodding. 

“Okay.” 

Mark looked at you then, his eyes finally locking on yours, and the corner of his lips lifted in a hopeful smile. “Really?”

You couldn’t help grinning as well. “Yeah. I mean, on one condition…”

“Oh?” 

“Mhm,” you replied, holding up the mask tube and popping the cap back open. “You let me put this mask on you.”

“Aish,” Mark said and shook his head. “No way. Not worth it.”

“Oh, come on, you big baby!” 

You stood from the floor and climbed onto the couch, crawling to his side and squeezing some of the mask onto your index and middle fingers. “It’s not that bad!”

“Get away from me!” Mark exclaimed with a laugh, dodging your fingers. Milo hopped up onto the arm of the couch, stomping his cute little paws a few times. 

“Just let me pamper you, Mark!” 

He let out another laugh, louder this time, trying to reach for the mask to steal from your grasp, but he wasn’t fast enough. You giggled, ducking to miss his hands as he grabbed for your wrists. 

Somehow, you found yourself straddling him, thighs resting on either side of Mark’s waist. 

“Real men wear face masks!” you exclaimed with a shout of victory as you finally managed to smear a good amount of the clay mask across Mark’s left cheek. 

“Oh, you little-” he replied, hands reaching for your sides underneath the long sleeved shirt you were wearing. He tickled your sides, a joyful laugh falling from his lips when you started squealing. 

Milo yapped a few times from the arm of the chair, presumably because he thought that you were hurting Mark or vice versa, but his protective barks only made you laugh harder. 

“Mark! Stop it!” 

You gasped for breath, wriggling on top of him and dropping the mask tube, fighting between giggling and trying to swat his hands away. 

“It’s what you deserve, you sneak,” he said, his hands still squeezing and tickling your sides, unknowingly drifting further up your shirt to your ribs. 

Twisting and turning, you finally managed to grab his wrists and yanked them from under your shirt. You held them firmly in between your bodies, even though he could have easily overpowered you. 

Your chest heaved up and down with the last of your giggles. Mark stared up at you, still smiling and out of breath. The air suddenly became thick as you held eye contact, your hands falling from his wrists to his chest. 

“Y/N,” Mark whispered. 

‘Danger! Danger!’ your mind yelled. 

Mark’s hands, now free from your hold, landed on your hips. You felt his thumbs slip under the hem of your shirt, stroking the bare skin of your stomach. Your heart pounded beneath your rib cage at his gentle touch. 

“Mark,” you said, intending on telling him to stop, but it quickly died in your throat. 

His chin tipped up, making you realize just how close you were to him now. You weren’t sure who had leaned in first, but only a few mere inches separated your lips from his now. If you only bent forward a bit, you could… 

It reminded you, all of the sudden, of the kiss in the bathroom. It had been quick, but long enough for you to slide your tongue past his lips. You remembered the shock to your system the moment you had felt the cold metal of a tongue piercing. 

“Y/N,” Mark said again. “Tell me to stop.”

His voice was quiet but you felt like you could read between the lines. He didn’t want to stop, and the only way he was going to stop was if you made it clear that you didn’t want this. 

But you did. You’d wanted it from the moment he ran his fingers over the tattoo he’d inked onto your skin one of those first nights, a soft ghost of a touch that made goosebumps form on every inch of your skin. 

You weren’t stupid, you knew that this was all wrong for a variety of reasons, the least of which being that he was your roommate. But that meant nothing to you compared to the way his hands felt on your skin.

Before you could open your mouth, tell him that you didn’t want him to stop, an 8-bit version of the Mario Kart theme blasted from somewhere behind you. You jumped, your heart skipping several beats from the surprise. 

Mark took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, blinking a few times before he gently guided your hips to climb off of him. “Sorry, I should…”

The ringtone felt familiar but you couldn’t figure out why. Even as you watched Mark grab for his phone off the coffee table and immediately silence it, you wracked your brain to try and remember where you had heard that ringtone before. 

It was as if Taehyung had known, the moment that Mark quieted the little voice in his head telling him not to be so close to you and that this was wrong in so many ways, and finally accepted his feelings for you.  

Maybe he had a sixth sense. 

The moment that had passed between you then had been effectively ruined as soon as he was reminded of two things: you were his childhood best friend’s little sister, and he had already ruined your life even if you didn’t know it yet. 

But he’d been so close to giving in. You’d been on top of him, smiling in that innocently beautiful way that you did, your thighs caging in his hips. He hadn’t missed the fact that he could feel you with every inch of him, considering how he’d begged his body not to react, not to harden beneath you. Between the thin layers of his sweats and your sleep shorts, there was no way you wouldn’t notice. 

Later, after you’d grabbed a washcloth so you could both wipe the face mask off your faces and awkwardly watch TV for an hour before enough time could pass for you to realistically head off to bed, Mark listened to the voicemail Taehyung had left. 

“Hey man. I just wanted to let you know that uh, I’m going to try and head to the city and look for Y/N in a few weeks. If you see her again or have any idea where she might be, let me know. I really appreciate it, my mom’s been going crazy… anyway, maybe we can grab a drink or something once I’m in town. I’ll hit you up. Thanks again, Mark.”

Mark was glad he was in the privacy of his own bedroom when he listened to the message so you didn’t see the way he threw his phone down on the bed, muttering curse words to himself and trying to forget how heavenly you had felt on top of him. 

It was impossible. All he could think about was your skin under his fingertips, how your lips had been so soft and smooth and close to his, and how the weight of you on top of him had been enough to make him hard. 

His only option was to shut himself in the bathroom and crank the shower all the way to the coldest temperature that he could stand and pray that it would be enough to keep him from sneaking into your bedroom that night. 

[jaedore]

BINDING BONDS | 5

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parings: jung jaehyun x reader

genre: ceo!au, arranged marriage!au, consumption of alcohol, asshole/player Jaehyun, swearing

[ ☾ smut | ◇ angst ]

note: BB deals with themes of mental and physical abuse, which can be upsetting for some readers. If you feel uncomfortable reading these types of plots, you are advised to not continue. MINORS, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK, but I advice you to skip the sexual parts.

[ 6.6 k ]

You ignored his pleading remark, you just wanted to be alone. You begged for peace and quiet so you could calm down. Jaehyun’s hand lingered on the knob, he wanted to stay and to explain, but you abruptly shut the door before he could even speak. You leaned your forehead against the door, not being able to stand the expression of longing and pleading sketched all over his face, but you couldn’t help what you were feeling. Anger, frustration, misplaced, and mentally and emotionally exhausted. You let gravity pull you to the chair and freed a long-awaited breath you never knew you held. It truly is his problem, and you knew you shouldn’t fret about it but why were you? You knew it was too early to forgive and develop feelings, so why were you so worked up? No, I’m not, you massaged your forehead.

Jaehyun also dropped into his seat, his palms supporting the weight of his head, more so his thoughts. The sight of Chaeyoung broke him, she looked so shattered, so defeated, he never intended to hurt her and that devastated him. She’s the first person he’s ever loved, he even waited for her, and he broke her right on the spot. Then there was you, the glance of disappointment made him tousle his hair, all he wanted was to make things right, and instead, he made it worse. He was in the right place but at the wrong time. Jaehyun wanted so bad to check up on Chaeyoung, but he pulled himself from it knowing he shouldn’t. He should be checking up on you, but when he texted, you didn’t answer. Jaehyun tossed his phone to the side, disappointed things were under this kind of circumstance.

Cases didn’t always go Jaehyun’s way, like tonight, he ended up working until midnight. His father had compiled paperwork that needed to be finished by tomorrow’s meeting. Jaehyun despised his father for his inconsideration, but what could Jaehyun do? He wants the CEO position, so he has to work for it, even if his father doesn’t believe he has the capability to obtain it.

When the sky that was once painted yellow and orange was smeared with darkness, the twinkling lights that lit far from Earth had their moment to shine. As Jaehyun stepped out of the building, it was inevitable for him to cherish the sight above him. After everything that he’s been through, put you through, he inhaled a large breath and relaxed, feeling as if the weight had been lifted his shoulders. Everything’s going to be okay, he thought. And he truly believed that as he pulled his gaze from the strong sky that held the galaxy.

When Jaehyun came in, he figured there’d be no way you were awake until he saw your bedroom door opened with the lights on, did she wait up for me? He wanted to talk to you about today, but when he got to your room, you were asleep on your desk. The side of your head rested on your folded arms, on top of the files you had brought from work. Jaehyun thought that even if you looked exhausted, you still looked so amicable.

Jaehyun quietly set his briefcase down before walking over to your desk. He combed your escaped hairs behind your ear, then rested his hand on your cheek, you slightly moved from the soft touch. He lifted your limbs until you gripped him like a koala as he carried you to your bed, gently setting you down. Jaehyun wrapped you into your sheets, careful to not wake you, and crouched down beside your bed. He admires how naturally beautiful you are, your professionalism, how you present yourself, and how patient you’ve been with him. The recognizable feeling returned to him and he began to feel upset at himself again, the way he treated you, yelled at you and belittled you. Jaehyun was never going to get over it, he couldn’t help but feel guilty for hurting such a beautiful person.

With sad eyes, Jaehyun left your room, softly shutting the door behind him, and that night Jaehyun didn’t sleep at all. In fact, he heard you get up, get ready, and leave for work, but he didn’t bother to come out of his shell because he didn’t want to face you, he couldn’t. Jaehyun shoved down his feelings for wanting to pursue you when he looked at you that night. He couldn’t help but think, what if it’s too late and she doesn’t even want me anymore? What if it’s too late and she doesn’t even want to try? At the same time, his heart couldn’t let go of Chaeyoung. With his mind and heart in battle, he was the one withdrawing from you this time.

You hadn’t noticed he was ignoring you through the past couple of days because you were bustling at work. When you finally had time to sit for lunch, that was the moment you wondered what was going on because Jaehyun hadn’t sent a text, called you, or even asked to join you for lunch, you haven’t even seen him at home that often either. Not that you were bothered by it, but it made you slightly doubt him. He’s been acting different ever since he came by for lunch, was it the way I reacted? Was it because he saw Chaeyoung that time? You dropped the files in irritation, you couldn’t help but feel upset that he was avoiding you all week, you knew he was because you’ve already done it to him before. You just wanted him to say something to you, anything.

As soon as you finished eating, you picked up the files you abandoned and sent them to their dedicated department. You needed to get out and let loose, you needed to cool down and you knew who the right person was. As soon as you got back to your office, you pulled out your phone to call Haewon, but fate always had a good way of interrupting your mood because Jaehyun’s name popped up on your screen before you could even unlock it.

You stared at his name that appeared on your phone. Your eyes went back and forth between the green ‘answer’ icon and the red ‘decline answer’ icon. You wanted to refuse it because of the way he’s been avoiding you, but even though you hated to admit it, there was a sliver of a second where you wanted to hear his voice. 

“Yes?”

“Hey, um what are you doing this Friday?” Jaehyun timidly asked, it felt like it’s been forever since you heard his voice. A voice that's saturated with honey.

You checked your calendar in front of your screen, it’s only Wednesday and your Friday evening held vacancy. “Nothing,” you hesitated, “why?”

“Oh,” Jaehyun paused, “well, my parents want us to come over for dinner.”

You pondered for a bit because you could sense the tension between you two, but you decided that maybe it was for the best to go for the sake of you two, “Sure, what time?”

“We’ll probably leave around 5:30,” Jaehyun added.

“Okay sounds good, I’ll talk to you later,” you hung up the phone, not waiting to hear his goodbye.

When you hang up on him, Jaehyun feels like he could cut the tension between you two like a knife, he knows that you’re mad because he’s avoiding you. Throwing his head back, he rubbed his eyes with stress stacking. Everything at work is piling up on him, Chaeyoung is heartbroken, he’s going through his own heartbreak, and you’re mad at him.

“Mr. Jung, your father is here,” his secretary barged in, making Jaehyun jolt from his seat out of a trance.

Jaehyun’s father stormed in, his face contorted in anger as his hand gripped his briefcase. Before he could speak up, his father slammed the briefcase on Jaehyun’s desk, “you had one job!”

Jaehyun looked confused at his father, he’s done everything right and he knows it because Jaehyun is always careful when it comes to working. “Father, what are you talking about?”

Before answering Jaehyun, his father raised his hand and gave Jaehyun a callous slap across his face. “The financial statements? Yeah, they’re a fucking mess. When I went to meet up with a potential partner and buyer, all the numbers were wrong, now we don’t have a partnership or branch with them. I taught you better,” his father caterwauled, “we lost thousands because of you.”

“No,” Jaehyun stood his ground, “I did them right! The accountant messed it up, so I had to check it myself!” he defended.

But Jaehyun’s father wouldn’t back down without a fight, it was like he enjoyed it, “I just spoke to the accountant, everything was done correctly until your ego came in and swiped it from him. YOU messed it up!”

“Father, I’m telling you the truth. I triple checked it, you probably saw it wrong!” Jaehyun blurted, immediately regretting his words.

“I’m never wrong,” his father growled, “get these statements fixed or you’re done. I can’t have an incompetence person working under me.” he tightened his tie and left, slamming the door shut loud enough to be heard throughout the entire building.

Jaehyun fingers grazed the ghost of his father’s palm against his cheek, the pain still lingering like a million needles. The last few seconds always hurt more than it did at that moment, the prickling in his cheek wouldn’t leave the sensitive skin so he left to get an ice pack, hoping the pain would surrender. No one knew of Jaehyun’s father’s abuse, for one, it was unseen, and second, even if it was seen or even suspected, they would be given hush money. Jaehyun knows he has the power to reveal it, but he would always be reminded of his mother. He didn’t want her to live her known life of an abusive husband, he wanted her to be known for the wife of a successful father, especially when she didn’t choose this kind of life. No, she didn’t know about her husband’s issues, he kept it well away from her.

Person...Jaehyun scoffed, his father didn’t even consider him as his own son, he hasn’t since Jaehyun could ever remember. Jaehyun never knew why his father held such hatred for him but thought it was better that way because Jaehyun didn’t want to know anyway.

With an ice pack in one hand, holding it against his cheek and the other on his hip, Jaehyun peered down at the citizens that suffused the streets and sidewalks. Everyone had their own life, their own stories, and moments, how come Jaehyun felt like he never had any good ones?

“Who were you talking to earlier on the phone?” Your mother asked, poking at her salad.

“Jaehyun,” you answered, stirring your soup, to be honest, you found it difficult to have an appetite after the phone call.

“Oh? What does he want? Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” you sighed, “his parents just want us to come over for dinner this Friday.”

“That’s exciting!” your mother gasped.

Uneasiness replaced the food in your stomach, you had a sense of the kind of person Jaehyun’s father is and thought of being in the same room with him was unsettling. “Yeah, we’ll see how it goes,” you put the cap on your soup and told your mother you were ready to go back up to your office.

You were almost done with the files for the week, if you keep up the focus and pace, you’d for sure finish them by Friday. Since you were down in the designing department at the beginning of the week, you made regular trips to make sure everything was perfect. To you, Chaeyoung didn’t look even better from before, her eyes still tugged on her dark bags and her lack of sleep showed on her face. She sensed you looking at her so she perked her head up and walked towards you.

“Can we talk?” she timidly asked.

Instead of telling her to make an appointment with her, you pressed your lips together because you knew what she wanted to talk about. “Sure, follow me to my office, my mother’s in a meeting so it’ll just be the two of us,” you lead her to the way of your office.

The tension between you two was stiff, you both stood on either side of the elevator as silence drowned you both until the doors opened. She followed you into our office, shutting the door behind her as you sat in your chair.

“What did you want to discuss?” You clasped your hands on top of your desk.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you and Jaehyun were engaged?”

Taken aback from her informality and hasty question, you hesitated in your thoughts before proceeding. “Because it’s not my business with what Jaehyun had with you,” you began, “that was his issue to figure out with you. I understand that you two were in a relationship, but this is something we can’t do anything about.”

“But you’re my boss, how can I just let this go? I see you just about every day.”

“If it’s that hard working for me, then I recommend you hand in your resignation letter. You were the one that was affiliated with him, I had no intention of interrupting what you had with him. It is Jaehyun’s sole decision to make for himself,” as harsh as you said it, it was the truth and you meant every word of it.

Chaeyoung shook her head, she worked so hard to get a position at one of the most elite fashion brands, she couldn’t afford to lose it just for one guy. Her gaze fell from onto her lap where she picked the skin of her thumb, “No, I want to stay. I get that I’m new here and I’m just an intern, but I hope this doesn’t affect my job.”

“Don’t worry about that, know when to separate your personal and professional life. If it proceeds to affect your job, I won’t have a choice to fire you, Chayeoung.”

“Yes, Ms. Y/l/n.” She nodded, “thank you.” Even though you were straightforward, your words were genuine.

“I know he’s talked to you and has broken things off, so take the rest of the week to make peace with yourself,” you recommended.

“No, that’s okay! I’ll continue to work hard!” Chaeyoung abruptly stood up, bowing to you, and rushing out of your office with determination in her steps. She was thankful that you were considerate enough to think about her.

“Oh, okay then,” you blinked.

You proceeded to focus your work on the files, but every time your phone dinged the little distraction was accompanied with hope, for you to hope that it was Jaehyun. It never was. Why do I even want him to call me? You massage your temples with your elbows propped on your desk.

“Everything okay?” Your mother brisked in.

“Yeah, how was your meeting?”

“It was fine,” she sighed, “Mr. Jung is particularly intense today.”

“Jaehyun was here?” You unintentionally chirped.

“No, no, his father. He seemed angry the entire meeting,” your mother’s brows furrowed.

“Oh,” you sighed. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t contacted me. Maybe something bad happened between them two and maybe it happened because of work.

It was 7 pm when you arrived home, you didn’t notice the lit up apartment, the sounds of another person, or the appetizing aroma filling your nose.

“You’re home.”

Jumping, you released an “oh!” holding onto your chest. In the kitchen, stood Jaehyun by the stove, stirring the pan. You hadn’t seen Jaehyun for a few days so you didn’t expect to see him now, but here you were, mouth agape, “y-yeah.” you slowly shut the door.

“I’m almost done, set your stuff down so we can eat.”

You stood your ground as he turned his back to continue cooking. It’s been a couple of days since you’ve seen him, so you couldn’t help but fixate your gaze on his back. The way his muscles stretched the fiber of the white t-shirt he slipped on, the extensiveness of his shoulders, and his damp hair that sat comfortably on his head. You wanted to run your hands over the strength of his back and tangle your fingers in his soft hair. What the- you quickly flicked the thought off, afraid that he’d catch you checking him out. You convinced yourself that your heart was racing only because he startled you when you came in.

You step towards him, crossing your arms and leaning your back against the counter beside the stove. Jaehyun raised an eyebrow, never seeing you in such a stance because you always stood with poise. You quietly watched him stir the sauteed rice and vegetables that brought color to the dish.

“Hope you like fried rice,” he mumbled.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” You bluntly asked, it surprised both of you because you didn’t intend to be this forward.

Surprised, Jaehyun stuttered, “I-I just had a lot to do for work.”

You paused before speaking in a hushed whisper, “I’m sorry for not being understanding the other day at lunch.”

Jaehyun stopped his stirring to glance at you, your head was lowered while playing with the buttons on your blouse. When you met his eyes, he could see the sincerity it held.

“I’m not sure what came over me,” you scoffed. Truth is, you did, but you bite your tongue instead. Since that day you told him to leave, you’ve been in denial, but you knew exactly that you were jealous and truly falling for him, you just didn’t want to admit it to yourself.  

“It’s okay, I wasn’t the best at expressing it anyways. I wanted to tell you, but just seeing her, I don’t know, something just came over me also,” Jaehyun shook his head, gaze kept at the fried rice.

That’s when it hit you. Chaeyoung was his first love so of course, it wasn’t going to be easy for him to get over her, especially since they’ve dated since high school and he’s been waiting for her to come back. You couldn’t help but feel the sudden pang in your heart because you knew this was going to be harder than you thought. Jaehyun picked up on your expression but interpreted it the wrong way.

“But yeah, I did end things with her,” he emphasized.

“That’s good to hear,” you turned your head to the side. You didn’t want to discuss this anymore so instead of saying more, you turned around to get two plates from the shelf.

As you walked to the table, you could feel Jaehyun’s gaze on your back. He furrowed his brows, beginning to feel worried, was it something I said? Did I do something wrong? But I apologized...he pursed his lips to the side of his mouth in thought.

Your kitchen held an absence of silence, no one talked. You didn’t want to hear what he had to say about Chaeyoung, nor did he want to provoke you with it. Every time he looked at you, your gaze was always down at the plate in front of you, but you didn’t eat, you just stared and poked the vegetables.

“Do you not like it?” Jaehyun carefully asked.

“No, I like it,” you sighed and took a big bite. You filled your mouth so you didn’t have to speak, quickly finishing it, and offering to clean up, you needed the distraction and you didn’t want to be in the same room with Jaehyun.

You threw yourself on your bed, am I mad at him?...Or myself? you whined against the sheets. You tangled your fingers through your hair, wrecking your ponytail. This was one of the reasons you didn’t want to fall for him.

“Can’t she see that I’m trying?” Jaehyun whispered to himself, imitating your position, face down, and the sheets with muffled words. He angrily flopped his body like a fish out of frustration. You two were meeting his parents soon for dinner and he knew you both would have to fake it. As much as Jaehyun wanted to keep trying, he couldn’t help but think that maybe it was too late.

Friday came sooner than you thought, so here you were, peering at yourself and hoping that the Gucci Wool Silk Belted Jumpsuit did its justice. Hopefully, this isn’t too much, you tighten your belt. Grabbing your purse, you walked to the kitchen to see Jaehyun put the cap on the dish of food you made to bring.

“Oh, I could’ve done that,” you set your bag down, the chain creating a sound as it hit the table.

“It’s okay, I didn’t want to rush you in getting ready,” Jaehyun set the dish down, “but it smells good. You ready?” He asked.

“Yes, let’s go.” you put your shoes on, following him out to the car.

In the car, as silence drapes the car you peer out at the sunset, streaks of red, orange, and yellow pigment the sky as the lights of buildings accompany it. Jaehyun’s fingertips, slightly tapping the steering wheel along with the beat of the music and his low voice humming. Everything felt peaceful to you in this moment.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Jaehyun chirped beside you, noticing you staring out the window.

“Just thinking about city life,” you expressed, “sometimes it gets so busy, that I have to leave for a bit, but somehow...I always find myself coming back.” you chuckle.

“Me too, I enjoy the country, but I like the pace of the city, it’s exciting,” he commented.

The rest of the ride, you two talked about the small things you two found peace in. He likes the warmth of another’s arms, being able to leave work while it’s still light out, and the small victories throughout the day. He found out that you like going to the pier, embraces that last just a little longer, the moment after the rain stops, and heartfelt laughter. He chuckled when you added that you also like it when someone surprises you with sushi, tucking that information in the back of his head. He didn’t know why he even bothered to try to get to know you anymore, but when he heard you speak, it was like you spoke of poetry of admiration and love.

As Jaehyun gave one of the workers his car keys, he carefully grasped your hand and with hesitation, you accepted it. He could sense your tensity in the hold of your hands.

“Don’t be nervous, they’ve met you before and they adore you,” Jaehyun smiled, deep enough to set dimples into his cheeks.

You hoped that his words were true, that they held good assumptions of you. They didn’t know you personally, but you hoped that they had positive thoughts on you from the last couple of encounters, even if you were stubborn at their decision for your marriage.

“Y/n! Jaehyun!” Mrs. Jung came running to you, her dress flowing after her.

“Hi,” you smiled, hugging her.

“Glad to see you two,” Mr. Jung walked up to you two, “please, we’re about to have dinner soon,” he smiled.

Mrs. Jung took hold of the dish as Jaehyun led you to the dining room. Everything was beautiful. The chandelier alluded the cream-colored walls, the large chairs enveloped your body, and the dark wood table that stretched across the room was filled with delicacies exposing the savory aroma.

“So, y/n, Jaehyun tells us that you’re releasing a new collection,” Mrs. Jung began.

“Yes, it’s our Spring-Summer 2020 collection. We’re in the works of it right now,” you replied.

“How do you think your collection will do?” Mr. Jung asked.

Thrown off by the semi-pressuring question, you cleared your throat, “Our Spring-Summer collections are our most popular. We market and design based on the present trends and patterns, including our swimwear. Even though we are an international brand, with Jung Corporation, I believe that our brand can be recognized more with trading.”

Mr. Jung smiled, you felt like you were on a game show and he was the host. The speculation of it gave you shivers, every question he asked you made you nervous, afraid of saying the wrong answer.

“Wine, Miss?” one of the butlers swift next to you, crouching his body. He leaned the bottle of red liquid near your glass, almost as if he knew that you needed it.

“Oh, yes please,” you sighed, it’s going to be a long night.

“I’m thankful you think that way, Ms. y/l/n. Do you have any other plans for your future collections yet?” Mr. Jung sipped from his wine glass.

“Please, just call me y/n,” you smiled as genuine as you could, “and yes, for the autumn collection, we’re bringing in trench coats, as they’ve been the constant trend every year. Since our brand strives on simplicity and classic styles, we won’t be branching off to too many designs for that. Otherwise, we’re releasing a new collection of shoes, made for the cold weather, and innovative professional wear.” You affirmed.

Mr. Jung nodded in satisfaction. You hadn’t noticed Jaehyun gently holding your hand, squeezing it to help you release some tension you didn’t know you held. It was as if you were the boat floating in the middle of nowhere and he was the anchor that made sure you were still grounded. You blinked and relaxed your neck, not trying to give away that you were stressed at his arduous questions.

“Enough with the business talk, Myungsoo. How are your parents, y/n?” Mrs. Jung smiled.

“They’re well, my father’s back in the states for work, and my mother’s doing fine at Audace,” you replied.

Everyone continued conversing, occasionally Mr. Jung would chirp in, asking more questions about Audace. You didn’t know if he was more interested in your capability of holding the CEO position or your partnership with Jung Corporation, but the thought of it was charred once dinner was served. Unknowingly you were downing glasses of wine and each time you sipped, the smooth fluid never failed to soothe your throat. 

Jaehyun on the other hand wasn’t having any of it. As everyone ate, his parents were embarrassing him about his younger days and he desperately wanted them to stop, he didn’t want you to hear any stories of him accidentally shooting a basket for the other team or that time when he cried for his mother the first night at youth basketball camp. Feeling humiliated, Jaehyun stole the bottle of wine from the butler and poured the remaining into his glass, filling it up to the brim each time. 

By the end of dinner, touches of laughter were exchanged among the table, mumbles were heard from Jaehyun, and you both were both slightly tipsy.

“Honey, why don’t you two just stay the night? It’s not safe for you two drive in this state,” Mrs. Jung said.

“Yes, you two can stay in Jaehyun’s room, we’ll have the maids get everything ready.” Mr. Jung sent the maids off to tend the room.

You struggled to get up from the seat, of course, Jaehyun had a way higher tolerance than you, so he was quick to hold onto you, afraid that you’d knock your head on the table.

Jaehyun sighed, “can you help her on my back?” he asked his mother, nervous that you’d trip yourself up the stairs.

By the time Jaehyun walked up to his room, everything was set and he also realized that everything was almost the way he left it, except his bed. Since Jaehyun brought it to the apartment, his parents replaced it with a smaller one. So Jaehyun was careful when he bent to the side, letting you easily slide off of him. You huffed, massaging your temples and catching your breath before you propped yourself up on your elbows. You watched as Jaehyun walked to his standing mirror, loosening his tie. Your stomach began tingling seeing the sight in front of you, his tall physique hovered the mirror, his hair was gelled back, and his loosened shirt displayed a little patch of skin. 

Fuck. You were sober enough to make decisions, but something about Jaehyun makes your mind go completely blank. You walk over to him as Jaehyun sees you in the reflection and turns around. You grabbed his nape pulling him in for a kiss, he stood tense, gripping onto your shoulders as if he was deciding whether or not to push or pull. You felt him decide when you felt his hands gently push you away.

“W-wait, maybe you shouldn’t do this, we’re both pretty out of it and not in our right minds,” Jaehyun faltered.

“I don’t care, I don’t care,” you repeated, shaking your head, “fuck being in our right minds, we never were.” You pressed your lips against him again and his grip on you softened as you wrapped both arms behind his neck, so you pushed yourself against him harder, hitting the wall. You both grunted from the impact, his steady hands wrapped themselves around your waist to bring you closer. You pulled away kissing his jaw and down his neck. Satisfied with your actions, Jaehyun wrapped his arms under your legs, wanting you to jump. When you did, he walked back to the bed and dropped you on it, you slightly gasped from the sudden impact.

Watching Jaehyun crawl to you and hover above you was definitely a sight, he looked at you with dark eyes before attacking your neck with harsh kisses and little bites, like the dinner wasn’t enough for him. You tangled your hands into his hair, letting out sounds that craved for him to do more. You let out a breathy moan when he found the sweet spot below your ear.

Jaehyun smirks against your neck, “You like that huh? Just wait until I rip this off of you,” he mumbled, unbuttoning your jumpsuit.

Before he could strip you, you quickly reacted by pushing him off and straddling him. Jaehyun was taken aback at your sense of domination as you lowered your gaze at him, “Yes, I loved that,” you smirked, “but I expected more from you,” you dragged your finger along his jaw, his neck, down to his collarbone, and then his chest. Your touch sent flames to Jaehyun’s body, earning an impatient groan from him. 

You lower yourself until you’re kissing his neck again, you nip at his smooth skin, inhaling the cologne, everything turns you on at this rate. Jaehyun’s hands gripped your hips as you rose to take your time to unbutton his shirt until he got too impatient and tore it off himself. You’ve seen how his muscles strain the material of a shirt, but seeing them without it made the temperature in your body rise. You know he’s always been this fit, it just never occurred to you that he was this beautifully sculpted. There was a chain that delicately laid on his chest, you admired it for a while before kissing his bare chest, grazing your fingertips against his robust abdomen, and pecking at the small trail of hair from his belly button. You could feel him getting hard under your touch as his tip brushed against your thigh, you reached your hand down, gently putting pressure on his member. Earning a sudden but quiet groan from him, you continued palming him until he was in a frenzy.

“Stop teasing me angel,” Jaehyun grunted, you simper at the nickname and at how much power you had over him.

“Or what?” You poked your tongue against the inside of your mouth, impatiently waiting for his answer.

“Or else I’ll have to teach yo-” you cut Jaehyun off by smacking your lips against his.

You mumbled between kisses, “you...talk...too much.” You hooked your fingers around the loop of his pants, again, taking your time to unzip it. Jaehyun took over your actions and threw it off of him, him now being the one only in undergarments.

“I wanna fuck you so badly,” Jaehyun bit his lip, his hands clutching onto your hips as you unconsciously roll your clothed core against his member.

You chuckled at his statement of desperation, “fuck me senseless then,” you whispered, chills running down his spine at your sultry voice.

Jaehyun reached his head up to meet your lips, he grazed his tongue against your bottom lip, so you mimicked him as a way of letting him enter your mouth. You want to feel more, you need to feel more so you kept rolling your core against his hardened member. You let out a loud gasp, but Jaehyun quickly hushes you by biting the bottom of your lip, you narrow your eyes at him, wincing at the pain that brought unknown pleasure. His eyes were filled with starvation and lust as he strips you down to your bra and panties. You curse at yourself for not matching them, having no idea this would ever occur. Jaehyun didn't care though, because he was too busy treasuring the sight in front of him.

The tingling feeling that was once forgotten, returned and you needed it to be released from your system. You threw your bra and panties off, Jaehyun widens his eyes at how driven you were in your actions, but he did the same because he needed to feel you too. Soon there was nothing but skin. Jaehyun was hovering above you, his chain dangling in front of you and looked at you with questioning eyes, but you knew what he was wondering.

“Please,” you begged, you brought your hand to your clit, tracing circles.

“Okay, okay,” he tears your hand away, replacing it with his.

Jaehyun has a way with his fingers. The slender and long digits drew the most pleasurable shapes against the lips of your core and your clit, your breath hitched when he gave no warning and slipped two fingers into your pussy. Your back arched at the feeling it brought, especially when he curled those beautiful fingers of his. When he slipped his fingers out, a hasty whine escaped your lips from the empty feeling.

“Look at you-” he smirked from above, “-we’re not even fucking yet and I’ve already got you wrapped around my finger, angel.” he lowered himself near your neck, giving it marks that would stain your neck for the next couple of days.

You shoved him off of you, pushing him aside and straddling him, “I can’t help it when you make me feel so good,” you dragged your response.

You grabbed his hard member that laid on his lower stomach and aligned it against your pussy. You gave him a sly smile before slowly sinking on his length. The both of you let out a relieved moan, Jaehyun quickly flipped you over until you were under him again. He covers your mouth with his hand, looking at you with clouded eyes.

“My parents are home,” he muttered in your ear.

“I don’t care,” you yanked his hand from your mouth, reaching up to devour him again.

You flipped him back over until you were on top of him again. It seemed like you both were fighting for dominance over each other, so stop it, you raised yourself and sunk onto his member again, picking up the pace. The two of you panted as you continued, occasionally stopping to ride him so you could catch your breath, but after a while, you started to feel tired and you faltered your pace. Jaehyun took notice of it so he firmly grasped your hips and took control. You moaned in his mouth from the pleasure you were receiving from him. To make it more pleasurable, Jaehyun flipped onto your stomach and entering in from behind. He drove his cock into you, bustling at an intense pace. Soon, the room was filled with your pants, gasps, and Jaehyun groans and muffled curses. It stenched like sex and sweat but felt like heaven.

Unexpectedly, Jaehyun spanked your ass, gaining whimpers from you, “you like that huh? You like that don’t you, you little slut,” he panted.

You paid no attention to his words, blinded by the pleasuring feeling inside of you, “go faster.” you commanded. 

Jaehyun flipped you back over so he could see you, see how tousled you look, “look at you, you're my bitch...and I...I own you,” he moaned, throwing his head back as his grip on your hips tightened enough to leave little blue patches the next day. 

Jaehyun set the pace as fast as he could and moments later, you found your fingers between his now unstyled hair, gripping it, while his hands wandered your body. The familiar, desired feeling rose in the pit of your stomach, indicating that you were close. You could feel it coming and you sensed Jaehyun was close too by the way his hips messily buckled against your core and how loud and uncontrolled his grunts were. Rapidly, you came, his name slipping from your lips. You held onto your anchor as your body shook and as stars blanketed your vision.

It didn’t take long for him to come after you, he rested his forehead against yours, “look at me,” he commanded, you did as he said. He peered down at you with those dark orbs of his, orbs that sent you pleasure, yet unknowingly, pain at the same time. 

“That was amazing.” he plopped beside you, hand on his stomach.

You laid there beside him, catching your breath too. When he got up to leave the bathroom, he came back with a warm, wet towel and wiped you down. You would flinch whenever he came close to your clit, having it still sensitive to be touched.

You were so tired from the wine and recent physical activity that you didn’t notice you knocked out. Jaehyun asked if you wanted to shower first, but realized you were already asleep, so he tucked you in, kissed your forehead, and made sure you were warm enough before he left. After showering, he joined you in bed, wrapping his arms around your waist. Everything was finally going smoothly, he smiled to himself.

It was 7 AM when you abruptly woke up, you could feel a pair of arms tighten their hold around you, and your stomach dropped. You instantly knew whose arms they belonged to because it was definitely not the first time they’ve been around you. The serene feeling didn’t sit well, you froze in your spot when the memories of last night burst at you. The dinner, the wine, you two...kissing. Oh no, you feel panic setting into your bones, you remember the remarks he said as he fucked you last night, the way he said it and you felt a wash of panic. You were clearly too comfortable in this situation and you desperately needed to get out. You needed to leave.

With closed lids, Jaehyun was on the brink of waking up as his arms searched for your warm body, your touch, but unexpectedly all he got in return was the cold, empty spot coming from the bedsheets. He shot up in bed, alarmed at your absent presence.

“Y/n?” He didn’t hear the shower go off, none of your soft footsteps could be heard, so he called you again, “y/n?” but there was nothing but silence.

Stillness enveloped him when he noticed that all of your belongings were gone, your clothes, your purse, your shoes. He called and texted you but you never answered. Jaehyun chucked a pillow to the floor in frustration and collapsed on the bed, hands rubbing his face and letting out a loud sigh. Jaehyun knew he fucked up.

[cloveroctobers]

CRANES IN THE SKY | C. Jackson

Requested: Nope! I saw a fluff prompt that sounded great for Chris so this is what I came up with! Prompt — “Stop moving and let me braid your hair.”

WARNINGS: mentions of mental illness, sadness, depression, and “curse words”

YOU were going through it. Life was just becoming a lot for your teenage self and it seemed like this week would never end. It partly felt like everyone was out to get you but you were really just having a bad week and in the back of your mind, you hoped that the next would be better...yet you didn’t even want to think that far ahead. As of a few hours ago you were allowing your self to sit in your funk of your Crenshaw home until Chris barged in making himself at home.

Working in retail felt emotionally and mentally abusive but hey, you needed money to get by right? You were tempted to quit after a month of being there but your mother persuaded you to toughen it out and not let them get to you. ‘Or maybe it was easier for her to say so, so that you wouldn’t be coming to her as much for some cash.’ You bitterly thought.

On top of that, you were getting hours in over time since there were three situations going on with your co-workers. One: was fired due to stealing money from the safe in the stock room, since one of the assistant managers didn’t fully close it, two: got arrested for god knows what— you didn’t care for the drama but it was common knowledge Julio’s ass was gone, and third: got injured on the job and would be out for 6 months. So the work load fell on the remaining three. Only 6 employees in retail...make it make sense. Not only that the customers were more whiny and quick to point the finger than usual and it takes a lot for you to step out of character! but you did.

You had it. So you went into a screaming match, which wasn’t expected of you but it happened. The store manager did not have your back and blamed you in front of the customer since, “the customer is always right,” motto was heavily encouraged and a part of you HOPED he was just doing that for show and would apologize later but nope! He stood by wtf he said and put you on punishment when it was clear that the customer was not right.

So instead of sending you home and keeping you away from the place? He decided to give you more hours as if you’re the only one working there + kept you off the register so you could only interact with those on the floor. If he expected you to come in for five days straight while being a high school student? He was out of his damn mind. So you called out the three of the five days you were supposed to be there and didn’t care for his guilt trips. You deserved better and didn’t need to deal with this bs for only $11.11 an hour. You hoped he fired you.

Since you were working so much prior to the screaming match with that aggy customer, you were falling behind on your studies. Those pop quizzes came back as c+ to c- and your exams? Even lower. You were turning in homework half assed or not turning it in at all and normally you were a decent student with a B average. You weren’t overly thrilled about school but you did your best and did just fine at that.

You never saw yourself as someone who would go to college. Your mom or your step-dad didnt go and it was expected that you wouldn’t because of your background. Wasn’t that a shame? Crenshaw high could do a lot better at getting kids prepared for bettering their futures but they just wouldn’t put the time in to kids that wanted it or could accomplish it if they just had the right guidance.

It was really depressing and it was all starting to sink in at the end of your junior year of high school. You couldn’t just give up but you were having one of those days and wanted to be left alone. Which was partly what you had in your condominium complex with your step-sibs staying behind to attend after school activities with you having to pick them up from the bus stop by 5:15, your mother was working the night shift as a waitress, and your step-dad was away on “business.”

The quiet was interrupted by Chris making his way into your living room with you all curled up. He took one look at you and shook his head, “Nuh-uh, get up ya ass up, girl. You’ve been like this for what? Days now?”

Giving him the side eye, you rolled your body on the couch to put your back to him as you went to bury your head into the open s peace between the couch and cushion. “If you came here to start with me, you can leave the same way you came in.”

You were used to Chris getting into your house. You did lock your doors around here but Chris was surprisingly good at getting through things which related a lot to his life I guess you could say. The guy overcame a lot especially learning how to walk again after almost being paralyzed. You and Chris grew up together, and were actually friends first before Spencer, Coop, and Shawn came into the picture. Your mother’s were the best of friends and got pregnant around the same time, with Chris being only a few months older than you, which he likes to rub in to get on your nerves.

“And you can keep that stank ass attitude to yourself, get up mama this ain’t no way to be.” You could feel the weight of Chris sitting on the couch behind you.

He was now poking you, probably trying to find your ticklish spot but if you start swinging then you’re the bad guy right?

Chris knew you like the back of his hand and vice versa. He knew all about how your week was going and how you’ve been skipping class to do whatever it is that you do, since you did have one class together.

“Alright look, when I was away—

He always considered his recovery as, “away,” almost as if it pained him to say that, which you understood by all means, but Chris could just call it what it was. He was strong, he made it through but you noticed in the way he played now was more cautious. He was in his head which was common with sports injuries apparently. You noticed with Spencer he would normally react after the stress of the game or something that brought on the stress. He also probably thought you had no clue what was going on with him, but he was also one of your besties so of course you knew. You just never said anything.

Now it was you who was going through a little something and needed someone to bring you out of it, whether you said it or not. And here Chris was. As always.

“You know I was a completely different person—

“Yeah, you were a fresh asshole.” You commented, remembering those moments quite clearly since it was you and Olivia who tried to be there. He only seemed to let you be there, especially after he broke up with Olivia over text. Which you laid into his ass about.

Which made Chris breathe out a laugh pressing his elbows into his knees, “you’re not wrong. And I’m forever sorry about that but you knew I was going through some dark shit. And I can see you’re partly there but you don’t need to sit in it.”

“Okay, Iyanla. What would you like for me to do?” You asked twisting your body to the side to finally look at the mocha skinned boy.

Chris smiled with his pretty teeth, “maybe take a shower? ‘Cause this bum energy I’m getting from you right now is not cute and I know underneath all that, you’re not half bad.”

A foot went out to kick him pretty hard but he tried and failed to doge it with a laugh. “Nah. But for real though, you got to find something that’s gonna keep you sane. Find something even if it’s not permanent that’ll keep your mind active and out of the dark, cause once you completely slip into it, it’s hard to get out of. Trust me.”

You knew Chris was on anti-depressants for a little while and how he called you flipping out that his mother even agreed that it would be a good idea. In the black community it was not a common thing to speak about your mental health, it was non-existent and you were expected to “get over it,” to not think like that because we are made to be tougher than what we are and it shouldn’t be like that. We should be able to feel our emotions and admit when something is troubling us.

And Chris’ mother thought that was what was best for her son. And you saw how vile of a person Chris became when he thought everything was over for him. That was not the Chris Jackson you knew, he was headstrong, compassionate when he wanted to be, and ambitious. So to see him like that was hard.

So here he was for you even though your emotions right now probably wasn’t that deep but again, you were trying to be more in touch with your emotions. Both of the adults in your life were slightly cold so it rubbed off on you a little bit of course, until it was brought out of you. Your father was the most loving and as a kid you used to be that way, with a warm prescence and a belly full of laughter. Now you were full of small smiles and cold stares.

However your main friends: Chris, Spencer, Coop, and even Shawn know/knew who you are even if you’re different now.

You don’t know how long you sat in silence but once Chris started to annoyingly snap his fingers in front of your face, You snapped out of it and smacked his hand down; slowly you sat up on your uncomfortable couch and took a deep inhale.

Then you moved through the cramped apartment to your bedroom and bathroom grabbing a few things. When you came back Chris was also entering from the kitchen with two plastic cups, eyeing the items in your hand. “What’s going on with that?”

You plopped the large pillow in front of the couch, held your hand out for the cup which Chris handed over, and you took a large gulp to taste cran-peach. Chris moved to place his own cup on the coaster and went over to the window to crank up the A/C before he glanced back over at you still awaiting a answer.

“You’re telling me to find my peace? I’ve always wanted to be a stylist, so I’m going to perfect my craft.” You answered sitting on the couch with a crack of your neck.

Chris thought this over and blew out a raspberry. Then he moved to sit in between your legs on the floor, “Alright, y/n. I’ll be your first client. But I’m tellin’ you right now if you braid too tight where my edges look eaten, I’m out the door.”

A smile graced your lips as Chris grabbed his cup and remote to turn the tv on, “so what we watching to keep me entertained?”

Shrugging your shoulders you held the rat tail comb in your hand while using the other to run your fingers through Chris’ coarse hair that he was deciding to grow out. Chris got himself comfortable resting against your legs as you decided which side of the head you wanted to start on first before you began parting and sectioning off his hair.

You were going to give him some cornrows so you had to make sure everything was even and not look crazy. You were decent at braiding, you often did your step-sis’ hair since your mother no longer had time to do it and she sure did have a lot of hair. It gave you some sense of satisfaction, you taking on the older sibling role and gave you the time to bond.

Chris finally found something after twenty minutes and was yelling at the tv which made you mess up the grip on the fourth row. “If you don’t stop moving and let me braid your hair...hold your head right or I’m gonna pop you!” You threatened.

“This is triggering me back to my aunties, specifically aunt Henrietta’s ol’ mean ass.” Chris mumbled the last bit as he flinched making you laugh a little bit, remembering the name and the picture of the woman with the large mole on her pointy chin.

She lived in Maryland and had a beauty salon that Chris’ mom would always take a trip down there to get their hair done, if they had a special event to go to. It didn’t make sense to you or your mother since there were a few good shops here in Crenshaw or rather—girls and boys that did hair out of their homes around but Mrs. Jackson wanted to support her great aunt so by all means...

You gripped his hair again tight but not too tight to begin the braid, “I’m gonna add beads so everyone around school can call you hurricane chris.”

“...that’s real foul. You’re about to make me not support your dreams anymore, I’m dead serious.” Chris replied making you laugh, which made him smile at the sound.

You briefly glanced up to watch a scene on whatever show or film Chris was watching and raised your eyebrow not knowing what was going on or who these characters were but it was definitely engaging.

Chris nudged your knee with his shoulder after you fell silent again, “feel better?” He asked, moving AGAIN to meet your eyes.

“yeah, a little. Thanks.” You scrunched up your nose and stuck your tongue at him.

After awhile your alarm went off letting you know it was time for you to leave and get ready to get the kiddos. As you both got up, Chris went to the mirror to check out your handiwork while you snapped a few pictures before making your way to the door, taking the keys from the side table as you went.

“Y/N...you said would make me look good.”

“Uh huh?”

“Then tell me why...the hell you got me looking like ODB?” Chris’ deep set brows held a deep frown on them as he glanced at his childhood friend who innocently peered back at him.

You shrugged as you threw the door open, “i never said I’d be the best hair stylist out there, plus you wouldnt stop moving your big ass head. I told you to sit still! And did you listen? Noooooo.”

Chris licked his lips looking down as he folded his hands together before his eyes flicked up, “ok. I’m on your ass!”

You yelped as dashed out the door, laughter in your lungs as Chris chased you down the narrow hallway, hot on your trail.

[downbytheouterbanks]

Happy Place (Rafe x reader) pt 3

part 1 & part 2

The second Sarah walked into her room and caught sight of you sitting cross-legged on the floor, with the same confused look that you had when she was teaching you how to use a tampon, she knew it was go time. She immediately mirrored your position and sat cross-legged in front of you, her presence made you somewhat snap out of your daze.

“Honey, what’s got your panties in a twist? Do you need a lesson in Diva Cups now?” Sarah joked, trying to lighten your mood so you would open up to her. She was successful has she earned a soft chuckle from you. Sarah had her hands placed on her knees and you grabbed them, holding her hands in yours as you looked at her with the most serious expression she had ever seen grace your face.

“Sarah, I’m going to tell you something and you have to promise to not get mad at me and unfriend me because you are my best friend and also like my only friend on this island and  I would spontaneously combust if I didn’t have you in my life.” You let out while holding eye contact with Sarah.

“Why would I get mad?” Sarah asked as she quirked her head to the side, not understanding your urgency.

“Sarah I need you to say you won’t get mad and promise me.”

“I won’t get mad, I promise, here,” She takes both of her hands from your grasp and holds out her pinkies to you, “double pinky promise.” She says with a comforting smile. You lock your pinkies with hers, dramatically placing a kiss on both of your hands, complete with a “MWUAH” after each kiss. “Now spill, missy!”

“Okay, so remember when we were younger and we talked about how in all the cheesy romance movies we used to watch, every couple had like a moment? You know like the moment they realized they have feelings for each other?” Sarah nods her head, signaling you to get to the point. “Well, I think I just had a moment.” Sarah’s eyes went wide and she gasped.

“Oh my god, with who?”

You took a deep breath, not happy that you have to admit it out loud since she couldn’t piece the puzzle together, “With Rafe.” Little did you know it was at that moment that Rafe was walking by Sarah’s room, and at the sound of his name coming from your voice after what just happened between you two, how could he not eavesdrop?

For the first time in her life, Sarah had no words to say. And that made you panic, launching into a word vomit explanation.

“I mean it’s not like I came onto him or anything and he didn’t come onto me either! It’s just you were still in the shower and my sunburn was bad and I needed something to put an end to the fire that I was feeling and I could reach my back to put the aloe gel on myself so I asked Rafe and he didn’t mean to see my tits, that was my fault I didn’t see the mirror! But he looked away really fast and then everything was fine until he breathed on me and I think I moaned? Not like because I wanted him or anything-GOD NO! It was just he breathed on this one spot and then it felt good and then the next thing I know, he’s helping me put my shirt back on and then we are just kinda holding each other and I thought I was just thinking but I said something out loud and I REALLY WISH I HADN’T because honestly, I don’t think I can look at him the same-” and with that, Rafe decided he didn’t need to listen anymore, he backed away from the door, retrieved a bottle of whiskey, and retreated back to his room, which he did not plan on leaving until you were gone. What Rafe didn’t hear was how you finished your ramble.

You had continued on to say, “like I think I’m attracted to him but I don’t want to pursue anything if he doesn’t feel the same way and especially not if you aren’t cool with it.” As soon as those words left your mouth, you closed your eyes and took in a deep breath.

“You really had a movie moment with him?” Sarah softly asks, and as you open your eyes you are met with a look of hesitation and doubt from your best friend. “How do you know?” You look around the room, trying to formulate your next words.

“This may or may not make sense but like when he held me like so close to him and then I looked him in the eyes, it was kind of like everything was still like I was absolutely paralyzed but like I could feel butterflies everywhere.” There is a moment of silence after you say this and you still refuse to meet Sarah’s gaze until she gives your hands a squeeze. When you look at her, she has a soft smile on her face which you return.

“That sounds really special,” She says and all you can do is sheepishly nod, “but like my brother, really?” At that, both of you get lost in a fit of giggles. When the two of you finally catch your breath Sarah hesitantly asks, “So what are you gonna do?”

“I mean in all honesty, I didn’t really think that far because I don’t want to mess up our friendship or my friendship with Rafe.”

“(Y/N),” Sarah says in a serious tone, “I don’t think there is anyone else on this planet who could balance out my brother. As long as you don’t ditch me for him, I’m okay if you want to see where it goes. I mean you said you had your movie moment and that is something that we have both been dreaming about, what kind of friend would I be if I made you miss out on that?”

Sarah and you still had chick flicks to watch and pizza to eat, however, so any business with Rafe, you promised would wait until the next day. When the morning rolled around, you and Sarah lounged about in the kitchen, Sarah making her famous banana pancakes (they’re only famous because it is the only food she can make from scratch), patiently waiting for Rafe to be lured out of his room by the smell of breakfast so you could talk to him. Ten am quickly turned to eleven am and Rafe still had not made an appearance from his room, you were starting to get anxious because you promised your parents you would be home by noon so you could help your mom get ready for the gala that was being hosted at the country club later that evening.

“Maybe just go knock on his door? He could still be asleep.” Sarah suggested as a last-ditch effort, you were starting to panic and feel that maybe you over-romanticized everything that happened in your head, maybe he didn’t get those same butterflies that you did.

“Okay, wish me luck.” And with that Sarah shot you two thumbs up before you made your way up the stairs, your pace slowed as you approached the door, trying to prepare yourself for every possible situation. When you finally found yourself standing in front of his door, you took a deep breath and then knocked, “Hey, Rafe, sorry if I’m waking you up but I… I uh just wanted to talk to you. I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday.” You waited for any kind of response and when nothing came, you knocked again, “Rafe? It’s (Y/N).”

On the other side of the door, Rafe laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was debating. Should he just ignore you? Would you go away if he just stayed silent? He decided to see how his silence would play out. You tried knocking one more time and even tried his doorknob but he locked it last night so it didn’t budge. After trying the door he heard your footsteps retreat, “finally”, he thought to himself.

You grabbed your stuff from Sarah’s room before making your way back down the stairs and into the kitchen to tell Sarah. She tried to tell you that maybe he had his AirPods in or she also assured you that he could be a REALLY heavy sleeper sometimes, but you just took it as a sign. You thanked Sarah for having you over and gave her a kiss on the cheek before heading out the door of the Cameron house, saying that you’ll text her when you get to the gala tonight so the two of you could meet up because even though her parents weren’t there, Sarah and Rafe still had to go and represent the name.

Your walk home consisted of you trying to talk yourself out of the romantic fantasy you had built up in your head, trying to cushion the blow of rejection. It’s not like you liked him for that long, right? It’s been maybe ten hours since you started feeling something towards him. Maybe it’s just a harmless attraction. He is hot, there is no denying that and you have never been in that kind of contact with someone you found attractive before, so maybe your brain just shut down when he touched you? That could happen, scientifically speaking, right? By the time you crossed the threshold of your house, you were emotionally drained from all your inner monologue and you despised your attraction to the male species.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You finished slipping on your heels as your mom appeared in your doorway, “Hey, sweetie, are you sure you want to drive separate?”

“Yeah, I just want to have some time to myself to mentally prepare for this. Plus, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to last at this thing.” Your mom nods and lets you know that they were leaving now and would see you there.

Your parents left and you got up to approach your mirror, your emerald green gown complement your complexion and the freckles that had begun to pop up all over your skin from being in the sun. You felt elegant, the shape of your dress was classic and the fabric draped over your skin. You felt sexy, the dress was constructed with a deep-v showing just the right amount of cleavage and with a deep-v that left your still sunburnt back exposed. You felt free, the dress held you in above the waist without constricting you, and then the skirt held excess folds of fabric that could billow in the wind and expose your entire right leg from the well-hidden slit.

You couldn’t wait to see what stunning outfit Sarah had chosen so you sent her a quick text as you made your way out of your house letting her know you should be at the country club, ready to dance to crappy music and eat flavorless food in about 15 minutes.

Sarah was waiting for you outside, a stark white gown adorned her figure, making her sunkissed skin stand out. She dorkily pretended to be a paparazzi, using her hands to mimic taking pictures of you as you made your way to her. You shook your head and giggled before mustering up the most dramatic model strut, and when you finally got to her she yelled, “pose for me!” You just giggled at her antics and linked your arm with hers, and she led you through the crowd inside the building, introducing you to people who you didn’t already know, but more importantly, leading you to the buffet outside.

Sarah and you made your way outside, the large patio of the country club had the food buffet on one side and the open bar on the other, separated by the dance floor littered with people of all ages acting as an obstacle between the two necessities of the night. Upon seeing the food, the two of you wasted no time, desperate to see what sustenance there was, on the other side of the dance floor by the bar, your entrance was noted. Rafe stood with Topper and Kelce, “eyeing what company was up for grabs tonight,” as Topper had put it.

Rafe’s eyes landed on you the moment you had stepped outside, he sucked in a breath, stunned by how gorgeous you looked. Topper had also taken note of your entrance, “Damn, that new girl is something else. Did you see the slit in her dress? What I wouldn’t give to run my hand up her leg and-”

“Topper, watch what you’re saying, she’s my sister’s best friend.” Rafe cut him off, jaw clenched.

“Oh damn, she’s been hanging with Sarah? Lucky you, man, I mean look at her!” Topper exclaimed gesturing to the buffet area where you and Sarah now stood, “Like she has such a nice rack on her-” Rafe clutched his whiskey glass tighter, “I could just imagine how perky they would be-” Rafe clutched his whiskey glass TIGHTER, “I just want to like get my head right in there y’know? See how hard I could get her-” Rafe’s grip on his glass was fatal, it shattered in his hands, causing Topper to stop his rambling and turn to him.

“What the fuck, man?” Was all Topper could let out before Rafe decked him.

“I told you to watch what you’re saying, man.” Rafe had grabbed Topper by the shirt and now held him close enough that he got spit on Topper’s face as he said those words through gritted teeth.

“Well, you should have said that you were pussy-whipped instead,” Topper said as he pushed Rafe off of him. That was the moment everything went to shit.

You and Sarah’s heads had whipped around to the bar at the sound of the glass shattering and at the moment Rafe punched Topper, THE FIRST TIME, you began weaving your way through the mass of people keeping you from him.

You had lost sight of the fight as you navigated the crowd, you just kept praying the sounds of brawl would stop. When you finally broke through on the other side, you let out a relieved sigh as a group of people tore the two guys apart.

“Rafe?” You timidly let out, biting your lip as soon as his name left your mouth.

His head snapped over to where you stood, your face was ridden with concern, he watched your eyes rake over his body, almost as if you were doing damage control. When your eyes came back up to meet his, you saw shame swimming in his pretty blue eyes.

You spoke, again, but this time more sure of yourself, “Rafe, wanna come with me to get some air?” He nodded his head and you approached him, signaling the guys who were restraining him to let him go. You held out your hand for him to grab and then you wordlessly led him from the stunned crowd of onlookers and out to the parking lot, as you approached your car you used your free hand to grab your car keys from the pocket in your dress. You gave his hand a gentle squeeze before letting it go to open your passenger side door for him and then heading around the car to the driver’s side. You put the key in the ignition and started the car, music from the radio flooded the space and the air conditioning blasted a much needed cool breeze onto the both of you.

You just sat there, your hands resting on the steering wheel, looking forward, you didn’t know if you should look at Rafe or not. Taking a deep breath in and out, you moved your right hand from the wheel to the gear shift and put the car into reverse, when Rafe spoke up, “What are you doing?”

“I’m driving”

“Why?”

“We can’t sit in the parking lot anymore.”

“Why?”

“You’re hurt and bleeding and need to be cleaned up.”

“Oh.”

“I was honestly expecting you to say “why”, again. You have a really good impression of a 4-year-old, you know that?” You heard him chuckled softly at your remark and quickly stole a glance at him as you were driving, a soft smile sat on his bruised and cut up face. Silence washed over the two of you, again, the only sound was coming from your car, the blowing of the air conditioning, and the soft hum of the radio.

“You just drove by my house,” Rafe pointed out the car window and looked at you, puzzled.

“Yes, I know. You’re coming back to my place.” Your answer was met with a sigh from the boy in your passenger seat.

“You know you don’t have to do this, I’m a big boy who can take care of himself.” You couldn’t help but laugh at his response.

“Well, one, I would think that a BIG BOY would know not to get into fights with someone who seemed to be his best friend. And two, I don’t trust you to be alone right now, you are being far too quiet which means you have a whole bunch of emotions stirring up in you.” Rafe scoffed at your words before responding, “You don’t know what happened and you don’t need to care about me.”

“You remember you owe me a favor, right?” Rafe hummed in response to your question.

“Well consider this me cashing it in, do me a favor and just let me care about you, okay?” You say as you pull into your driveway, putting your car in park and getting out, moving around your car to get the door for him, he laughs at this as he gets out, “Wow, (Y/N), I didn’t know you were such a gentleman.”

“Whatever, come on, punching bag, I have a first aid kit in my bathroom.” You say and as you hold your hand out, again, for him to grab, allowing you to lead him to your room.

When you open your door to your room, you don’t think much of it. It is the same room your have stayed in every summer for as long as you can remember and he has been in here before, but when Rafe crosses into your room he stops in his tracks, bringing you to a holt. You turn around to see him looking everywhere, taking it all in, “Wow,” he breathes out.

“What?” You looked at him confusedly.

“It’s really your room now like it reflects you and who you are now, it’s not just the stereotypical summer beach house room.” His gaze finally shifts back to you, you’re still holding his hand and a sweet smile graces your face.

“I guess I never thought about it that way, now come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” You tug him along, again, dropping his hand as you get into your bathroom to reach for the first aid kit in your cabinet before patting the counter and stepping back, motioning for him to sit on it. He obliges and you open the first aid kit, laying out everything you need next to him on the counter. Rafe watches as you step between his thighs and gently grab his hands in yours, inspecting the one that once held a glass of whiskey, you wince, “Rafe, there’s a piece of glass in your hand, doesn’t that hurt? How are you so calm right now?” You grab a pair of tweezers to retrieve the glass from his skin and as you set your focus back on his hand he responds, “It doesn’t hurt when you’re holding it.”

You feel your face flush, “Okay, Romeo, you might want to rethink that,” you say as you use your tweezers to pull the piece of glass from his skin. He hisses from the pain and lets a few expletives fall from his lips. “Shhh, shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s okay.” You try to soothe him, you use one hand to tend to the wound left behind by the glass and the other rests on one of his knees, your hand giving it a soft squeeze and then absentmindedly letting your thumb rub side to side motions. He places his free hand on top of your hand that rests on his knee, “oh, sorry,” you say and take this as a signal to pull your hand away but he quickly dismisses you, “no it was nice, keep doing it, I just wanted to hold your hand.”

“Oh, okay, but I need it for a second to put a bandaid on this cut. Who is your favorite Scooby-Doo character?” You say as you hold up your box of Scooby-Doo bandaids.

“Velma.”

“Huh,” you say as you search in the box for a Velma bandaid, “I pegged you as a Fred kinda guy, he’s the man with the plan and suave with the ladies.”

“Yeah, well,” Rafe responds as you open up the bandaid, “Velma reminds me of you so she’s my favorite.” He states softly in a matter of fact tone.

“Oh.” Was all you could say as you gingerly placed the bandaid on his cut before you carefully bring his hand up and place a kiss with a quiet “mwuah” on his now Velma protected wound.

A quiet giggle escapes your lips, and his, as you place his hand down and move your attention to his next injury to tend to. “Hey, (Y/N/N)?” Rafe quietly asks. You hum signaling him to continue. “Would you, uh, kiss all of my boo-boos? My mom used to do that.” You look up at him with apologetic eyes and nod at the blushing boy, you remember his mom, she was easily the kindest person you had ever met. So you continued on in silence this way, you cleaned the cuts that scattered his knuckles and then leaned into him to clean the few cuts that were scattered on his face. First, you cleaned the one on his cheekbone, then the one above his eyebrow, placing a chaste kiss to each spot.

You looked at the last cut you had yet to acknowledge, the cut on his bottom lip. Rafe looked at you, he knew what you were staring at and he broke the silence, “I’m all cleaned up now, (Y/N/N),” he tried to ease whatever you were feeling but you just shook your head, you knew he felt your hesitation.

“No, I don’t want you to get an infection or anything like that,” you assure him (and maybe yourself) as you grab the washcloth and run it under the warm tapwater one more time. You lean into him and gingerly dab at his lip.

“(Y/N/N)?” Rafe mumbles.

“Why are you talking when I am trying to clean this giant-ass cut in your lip?” You say somewhat exacerbated, and lean back just enough so you can look him in the eyes. His face flushes and he averts his eyes from meeting your gaze.

“I just was gonna say that you have a really cute concentration face.”

“Is that all?” You ask as you start to lean back in, he nods, and you bring the washcloth back up to his lip, dabbing at the cut a few more times before going to lean back from the very close proximity you had found yourself in, placing the washcloth down. You’re about to move completely from your position between his legs when you remember his words from earlier. A flush overtakes your face and Rafe notices, “what?” he inquires with his eyebrows raised and his lips parted. Before you can talk yourself out of your moment of confidence, you lean back into him, your faces mere centimeters apart, you move your gaze from your focus on his lips up to meet his eyes.

“What are you doing?” He whispers, following your lead and leaning in so your noses touch.

You lean, lips grazing his as you whisper, “kissing your boo-boos, Romeo.” Your eyes fluttered shut as you felt him press his lips against yours, desperate for more, and you were tempted to give in, but you pulled back which elicited a groan from the bruised boy on your counter. You brought your hand up to his cheek and he leaned into your touch as your thumb gently stroked his cheek, he brought his hand up to cradle your face in the same manner, you bit your lip, trying to suppress the grin that his touch brought to you. He noticed this quirk of yours and traced his fingers down your face and traced along your lip, making you release the bite you had on it, “don’t hide that pretty smile from me.” He now held your chin in his hands as you smile at his comment. You slowly retract your hand from the place it has found cradling his face, which brings a frown to his features but you just place a peck to his lips as you grab his hands in yours, giving them a slight tug before you drop them from your grasp you back into your bedroom. You sit on your bed, leaning against your headboard as you watch him slowly make his way to you, climbing onto your bed. He shimmies his body about on the bed, making you laugh, “Hey don’t laugh at me I am trying to get comfy, and it’s hard to do when you’re sitting up like that! What do you think you’re doing? We just kissed, it’s snuggle time.”  

You shake your head at him, but he just continues to look up at you from his position laying sprawled out on your bed. Rafe lets out a small cheer as you slink down on the bed, the two of you lay there for a moment, just laying down and looking at each other before you lean in and place a kiss to his forehead, to both his cheeks and then to his lips, your hands reaching up to comb through his hair making a content hum come from him, “babe, I’ll play with your hair if you lay your head on my stomach.” He smiles as the two of you adjust, you laying on you back while he scoots down to rest his head on your stomach, his hands playing with the tulle of your dress, “I like that,” he says before you even have the chance to run your fingers through his sandy blond locks. You giggle, “like what? I haven’t even touched your hair, yet.”

“No, I liked you calling me “babe”.”

“I can do that, right?”

“I would think so, you’re my girlfriend now, right?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know about that. Only if you’re my boyfriend now.”

“Okay, I would like that very much.”

“Babe.” You said, liking the way it rolled off your tongue.

This prompted Rafe to prop his head up on your tummy, “what?” he asks.

“Oh, nothing I just wanted to see if it worked.”

“You know there are a few other things that we can see if they work.”

“One step at a time, babe.” He giggled and then moved his head back to its previous position so you could continue playing with his hair.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, he spoke up, “so like does this make me your favorite Cameron sibling, now?”

a/n: so that’s all folks, i wasn’t planning on doing any more parts to this story, i hope you enjoyed it! it is my first fic so i would really appreciate any feedback you have! also a huge shoutout to angie, i would not have written this without her support ((:

taglist:

@myjjbaby @drewswannabegirl @prejudic3 @starkeybaby @spicybluelays @fav-imagines  @spilledtee  @pookie-cleary  @little-ms-awkward @babygurlbarnes  @drewsephsmiles  @junkiemuppettxx

[mourntheantagonist]

hc that Billy comes to love bath bombs after Starcourt. He starts keeping some at Steve's house and some at home. He finds they help a lot when he's having a really hard time either with physical pain from his injuries or just when he's struggling mentally.

don’t mind me absolutely going off below. idk how this turned into a full fledged one shot but I hope you enjoy it anon because your mind is so amazing.

———

I can imagine billy at home for one of the first few nights and he decides to take a bath because he still can’t really stand up too well on his own. when he walks in there’s a little bag on the counter that has his name written on it. Inside is this yellow sphere wrapped in plastic. he reads the label and follows the instructions and is stunned when the water starts to turn yellow and the scent of lemon fills the bathroom.

the scent is very calming, and considering he’s been on edge ever since he stepped back through the doors of his home, it’s a welcome feeling. when he gets in the water he’s surprised to notice the change of viscosity in the water. It’s slightly slimy but it feels really relaxing.

when he gets out of the tub after soaking for a while he feels for the first time since everything happened to be cleansed of the mindflayer. not entirely. but lingering hints to the scent of lemon make him feel clean and light and just a little less like a monster. no monster smells this good.

later that day max asked if he liked the bath bomb. for a split second he’s stuck on the word bomb until he figures out what she’s talking about.

“yeah. smelled good. thanks.” he’s still struggling to open up but he’s getting better about letting down his defenses, at least to max. part of letting down his defenses caused him to only be able to speak in one to two word sentences.

max understands though. and she appreciates not having to constantly walk on eggshells around him anymore. or at least not in the same way. instead being more concerned for scaring him rather than the other way around.

a couple days later he finds a box filled with twelve additional scents and colors and effects on his bed. he smiles. max.

she continues to restock for him as he cycles through each kind. his favorites are vanilla and lavendar and also the lemon. something about it makes his thoughts slow and his aches numb and he’s almost addicted to the feeling.

although it doesn’t last long because one day neil calls him out on it. asks him why he ‘smells like a faggot’. billy is initially able to say he used one of max’s soaps because he ran out, but that won’t fly for long. he eventually stops using them and lets the little collection he’s gathered sit under the sink in the bathroom to collect dust.

then he starts spending more time with steve. just needing to get out of his own house and out of his own bed for just a couple hours of the day he goes over to steve’s when he’s not at work. steve is constantly telling billy he enjoys his company but billy continues to apologize for burdening him. he’s not used to people just caring, and it’s especially foreign coming from steve for several reasons. one being that less than a year prior he nearly put him in the hospital. the second being that steve was a man, and there has never been a man in his life to actually care about him in that way. worried for his safety and well being. so billy tried to pull away, because he wasn’t going to allow him to let someone in just to be turned away at the door a second later.

but steve gets absolutely sick of it. sick of billy pulling away and believing he’s undeserving so steve practically forced him to believe it by kissing him the very next time he walks through the door. a very risky act on his part but he’s grown to trust billy over time that he’s not as worried as he could be for the outcome. he’s relieved when billy kisses him back, dropping a duffle bag to the floor that went completely unnoticed by steve as he was too locked in on billy’s lips. too locked in to notice the black eye that he only spotted when they pulled apart. too enthralled with the fact that he was kissing billy to taste the blood in his mouth. he’d ran away this time. he packed a bag and left and hoped steve would take him in. being met with a kiss right off the bat was the best thing that could have happened when steve opened that door. like the huge favor he was about to ask for almost became a small request because steve was inviting him into more than just his home. the kiss was an invitation into his life, and invitation for his care and love and all the mushy gushy stuff.

“I need a place to stay.”

steve, obviously and literally, welcomes billy into his home with open arms. immediately taking him to the bathroom to fix up the damage his father inflicted. steve kneeling before him while he sits on the toilet seat in complete silence. acting as if they didn’t have each other’s tongues down their throat just moments ago. both of them deciding it wasn’t the best time to talk about it. billy looked absolutely exhausted and worn and desperately needed sleep, and a nice bath (I know I just veered way off course but back to the regularly scheduled programming).

it was actually steve’s suggestion. noting the aches in his legs and back would probably be happy to be submerged under hot water. steve runs him the bath and goes to grab billy’s duffle upon request. steve gives him a soft kiss to the top of his head, before he leaves telling him they can talk about everything in the morning, and for him to just relax and take his time.

billy rummages for the small box he remembered to pack that’s filled with all the fun scents that max had been gifting him, after having to switch to using unscented alternatives which were nice but didn’t give him that same feeling.

he quickly picks out the cotton candy scented one that he’s been dying to try out. because what does cotton candy even smell like? he drops the bath bomb into the water and watches as it sizzles and quickly turns the water pink. oh if neil were there to see his sun soaking in a tub filled with pink water smelling like a fucking candy shop owner he’d do more damage than what had been inflicted earlier that night.

despite the developing bruises all over his body and the sting as the contents of the bath bomb filled his open wounds, he hadn’t felt this good in months. physically he felt like shit. but he was mentally and emotionally euphoric. running off the high from just minutes ago having steve harrington’s lips on his. the boy he believed to have been so far out of reach and was happy enough to just appreciate from afar. it felt unreal and like it was a dream. all that combined with the surprisingly intoxicatingly amazing aroma filling his senses and the feeling of rejoice as he finally took the steps to leave the clutches of his abuser and was so much more than successful. it was sheer bliss accompanied by aches and pains from past and present inflictions that didn’t seem so bad anymore.

steve and billy sleep in the same bed that night. they don’t cuddle or even so much as let limb touch limb, still unsure of the boundaries. but even with the distance between them steve can smell the unfamiliar candy like scent and takes it all in.

when they wake up in the morning they talk everything over during breakfast. billy tells him how his father just came home and started pounding into him completely unprompted. shouting slurs at him. the smell of whiskey potent on his breath. billy truly knew then that it was no longer about what he did or did not do. he’d feel his wrath regardless. and steve had scolded him about self preservation before and finally decided to take his advice.

then they adress the even larger elephant in the room, their kiss. it’s not that they were avoiding the topic per se, but they were definitely afraid to abandon this good feeling by talking about it. but they bite the bullet anyway, and they don’t regret that they do. despite how uncomfortable it is for billy to talk open about his feelings, especially these kinds of feelings, he feels something inside him release at the confession. like everything he was holding inside of him is free to the open air and steve takes hold of it and cherishes it.

their little unspoken thing that has been developing over the course of a few months finally being spoken. finally giving a name to the meaning to it all. of their late at night trips to the quarry. sharing a joint as they stare at the water below as it reflects the night sky. of their movie marathons on steve’s living room couch. giving meaning to each individual brush of the knee under the shared blanket. of stolen glances and words said under their breath. of thoughts of the other invading their dreams at night. a name to it all.

it’s a strange adjustment. to go from two guys secretly pining over each other from afar to instantaneously dating and living together. sharing a bed together, sharing meals together. things they were so used to doing alone now having a guest. it was nice and strange at the same time but they both welcomed it. waking up under the warmth of another human being. getting to see each other at their worst, when they were riddled with bed head and morning breath, and loving each other all the same.

what they did in bed wasn’t fucking. screwing. banging. it was much more. it was unfair to use those words that once described their previous encounters to describe what they did with each other. it was much different. putting their partners pleasure above their own. yearning for each other’s lips upon their own above anything else. as cheesy and corny as it is it was, they made love.

things moved awfully quickly. the two of them knowing they were in love with each other from the very start, however never saying the words out loud. they didn’t go through the normal stages of a relationship. they skipped a lot of steps and that led to some bad days. sometimes they spent too much time together, and billy’s on true safe haven came in spherical shaped and wrapped in noisy plastic, rather than a can of beer or a pack of marlboro’s.

that’s where he goes when things get shaky between the two. when he feels his fists clenching against his will and the veins on his forehead make their presence known. he escapes a potentially bad situation and lets his anger rise out of him with the steam of the hot water, and dissipate into nothingness. cleansing himself of the hurt. scars hidden under opaque colorful water.

the problem is steve doesn’t like when billy leaves him alone without word. he understands he needs his space, but he wishes he’d only talk to him about it before walking off.

on one day, when billy left mid conversation, steve follows. he honestly doesn’t know what he thought billy did in the bathroom for hours, and he’s not sure why he’s surprised to find his boyfriend laid out in a bath full of deep blue water with his eyes closed just relaxing. noticing the rise and fall of his chest as he takes in deep calming breaths. noticing the beach like scent that floods the room.

“can I join you?” steve finally asks. very intrigued in what all of this is.

billy thought he’d be more upset about steve bathing in. about him completely disregarding his need for space, but he wasn’t. perhaps space wasn’t really the thing he needed. he gestures to the other end of the tub, signaling the affirmative.

steve strips and slowly lowers himself into the tub. he’s facing billy who has since gone back and shut his eyes, head pointed to the ceiling. the water is very hot but feels really good on his skin. he has his legs pulled up to his chest as to not disturb billy. he just watches him as he relaxes completely. a state he rarely, if ever, has seen him in.

after several minutes billy opens his eyes and pulls steve over towards him so now they are both facing the same direction and steve is sitting in between billy’s legs. he has his arms wrapped around him and kisses his shoulder.

“I’m sorry for just walking out.”

“it’s okay. I get it.” steve responds, bringing his own hand to lay on top of both of billy’s that grip his stomach. “wanna tell me how you made the water turn blue?”

“magic.”

steve laughs and leans into billy, closing his eyes like he had and completely understanding almost instantly. it’s like he goes somewhere else. somewhere warm that smells of the ocean. somewhere nice and serene. he could easily fall asleep right there in billy’s arms. allowing himself to prune up under the water.

it’s something they continue together. when they both feel like they’ve had enough of each other for the day, instead of going off on their own, they strip down and enjoy a moment together in the tub. closing their eyes and imagining far away places while wrapped up in each other. a reminder that they’re both still there for each other. alone but together. dealing with their issues as a unit. feeling clean and smelling good afterwards.

steve comes home one day lugging in multiple bags worth of bath bombs along with other fun stuff like bath salts and bubble bars. their bathroom cupboards are better stocked than their kitchen. they both admit it might be just a little excessive.

but it doesn’t matter. because it’s perfect for them. any fight, any argument, any disagreement. all it takes is a brightly colored bath bomb and all that tension disaplears under the sizzle. it’s strange knowing they have max to thank for all of it.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Reader finds out she`s pregnant with Arthur`s child

@jaraysha1121 requested this one! Thank you so much for the lovely request!!! I really, really, really hope you will like the result :)

Arthur humming quietly into your ear was the perfect way to wake up in the morning. Smelling his hair, that felt tickelish into your face while he kissed you awake was. You just wished that all of this, his bed hair in the morning, him humming oldies in the kitchen while making coffee, his skin on yours at night, would never come to end end.

You have been together for one year now but it felt like you had known him before the beginning of time. Having him in your arms felt like holding the entire universe in your hands. Like anything was possible and there was nothing that you weren`t able to face together. Arthur was your muse, your inspiration. Your proof that no matter how cruel life has been to you, there is still hope to stay gentle at heart and to end up being loved. It was just the same the other way around. You ended up being Arthurs salvation. His soul mate. Everything he ever hoped for and daydreamed about. You and him. It was just fate.

"Hey Y/N. I made you some tea. I hope you feel better this morning? I noticed you couldnt find sleep tonight?" He handed you the cup "Careful, its still very hot." You took a careful sip and put it back on the table. " Arthur crawled back on the couch with you, so you took him under the green blanket. He softly kissed your cheek.

"Um...yeah well I feel better now" you lied.  You didnt wanted him to be worried about you, since Arthur worried about you a lot. Whenever he thought there was the slightest chance for you to get sick or cold or anthing that made you feel uncomforable. He would ask you every five minutes if you already felt better, which was beyond adorable, but still, you didnt wanted him to get worried, because after a while he tended to get nervous and anxious , and that wasnt good for his mental health and insomnia at all. So yo decited to try to hide it from him. But he just knew you so well.

"Are you sure, baby? You seem like there is something wrong? You didnt even ate your fave cookies yesterday. The plate is still full so... I got evidence!" He joked and pulled your nose. "No, I`m fine, Artie, really. I mean.I just woke up beside you. How on earth wouldnt I feel great?" You took another sip of tea.

"Yeah..." Arthur lit himself a cig and stared at the ceiling while his arm was wrapped around you "You know, I just wish we could do this more often. The sleepover.  But its very diffucult to hide you from my mother. I dont know how she would react if she knew that a girl was sleeping in the living room."

You nodded. It was obvious that Arthur loved his mum but he was also afraid to get into a confrontation with her. He would only confront her with anything if there was absolutely no other way to handle it. So you sneaked into his apartment when Penny was already asleep.

"Sooo what if she just wakes up and walks through the living room? She will notice me for sure."

Arthur shook his head while he took a deep drag of his cig "She will not wake up".

"What do you mean?"

"She took some sleeping pills yesterday. Well... I made her do it but...anyway..." he stroke your hair "Dont worry abut that okay? She will still be asleep for the next few hours for sure. And even if she will wake up, she would be so confused, you could just hide under the blanket and she wouldnt notice anything."

"I see... you thought of anything didnt you? I wonder what she would sayif she knew there was a girl on the couch."

Arthur leaned in to kiss your ear "Just think of what she would do if she knew what I did with this girl last night...?!"

You smirked "Yeah that was definitely helping with feeling better."

"So what do you think she would do?"

"She would tell you you`re a naughty boy"

Arthur put the cig in his pink ashtray and  kissed you passionately.

"Yeah...being naughty is fun isnt it?"

You nodded under the sweet pressure of his lips.

You tried to be as quiet as possible, even though he claimed that Penny wouldnt wake up.  She was still in the back of your mind. There was something about the thought of being caught that you really liked.

Arthur checked the clock "Oh. I gotta go to work now. I`m pretty late. " He got up from the couch and grabbed his clown gear. You stood up to change your clothes as you realized how your head was spinning. Arthur didnt noticed. He was distracted by checking his bag.  " We`ll see each other on Monday, right?"

"Yeah, sure. I will visit  when you get home from work. "

Arthur grabbed the keys "Great. I cant wait to see you again, sweetheart. Any plans for today?"

You opened teh door "Yeah I will visit my best friend over the weekend. We`ll be watching movies and stuff."

You both headed down the hallway and got into the elevator "Sounds like fun" Arthur smiled at you with so much love in his eyes. His tiney wrinkles made you want to cover his beautiful face with kisses.

"What?" he asked as he noticed you staring.

"Nothing....its just...I love you so god damn much!"

Arthurs cheeks turned red "Dito!" he said, gently touching your cheek before you said goodbye. You watched him running towards the subway station. He was really late.

Being in the elevator a minute ago made your dizzyness even worse. You closed your eyes for a moment, wondering if you might catched the flu. You felt sick to the stomach for about three days now and it didnt seemed to get any better.  Hopefully it wouldnt ruin the whole weekend. You knew that your best friend bought sweets and cake but you didnt felt like eating anything at all.

Thirty minutes later you arrived. Your best friend welcomed you with the warmest hug. She was the only one who accepted your love to Arthur. Most of your other friends thought he was weird for his laughter and for still living with his mother at the age of 35. You started to realize that some of those people didnt even deserved your friendship, especially they didnt deserved to get to know the wonderful man that Arthur was.

"Hey Y/N ! I`m glad you`re here. I`ve planned something for tonight. You will be excited to hear about it. How is Arthur doing?"

You got out of your jacket and sat down on the couch "He`s doing fine. Thank you for asking. He`s on some new meds and they are much better than the last ones he had."

"I`m happy to hear this. But you kno what his best medicine is? YOU. Imean it. He looks so much healthier since the two of you meet each other on a regular basis."

Hearing those words coming out of her mouth meants the world to you "Thank you so much. I appriciate that. The others dont understand...."

"Pffff" she headed to the kitchen and came back with a huge self made pizza "Dont listen to them. They are idiots. Every single one of them. Arthur is a nice guy and he is good for you. I can see the way you look at each other. There is so much love between you."

"Yeah. I really do love him. More than anything. I think he`s my soulmate."You smiled "I understand him.  And he gets me. We get each other. We dont even have to say anything. Its just....we know. We`re the same. "

"Heyyyyy check this out" she put the huge pizza on the table in front of you "Its self made. i`m kinda proud. We will kill this delicios thing this evening. What do you think?"

Just looking at the food made you feel sick again "Um.....yeah thats....great. It looks delicious"

Your friend put her hand on your forehead "Y/N. You look kinda pale."

"Yeah...I dont feel so well....its been this way for half a week now. I can barely eat something and I feel dizzy at times and just....weird. Like...I dont know my body and mind feel funny and....I dont know....I havent slept for days..." you started crying.

"Ohhh noooo why are you crying? Is there anything going on with Arthur you wouldnt tell me?"

You wiped a tear away "No. No really. He is fine. I`m just very sensitive these days. I`m not sure why.... maybe it was all to much with the others not respecting Arthur as my boyfriend. ...I dont know....Just stressed out emotionally I think.. But I will be fine."

Your friend told you  that you didnt have to eat anything if you dont feel like it, but two hours later you decited to give it a try and grabbed a piece of her selfmade pizza. After one slice you felt so bad you coudlnt hide it from your bestie anymore "Oh my god. I think I gotta go to the bathroom" you hurried up and closed the door behind you.

"Y/N? Are you okay in there?"

"Yeah....kinda....just...I`m just sick to the stomach. I think I catched the flu or something. maybe its better for me to go home. I dont want you to get infected."

Ten minutes later you got back into the living room again. She waited for you with a big grin on her face. Why would she make fun of you feeling sick?

"Feeling better?" the grin still lingering on your lips. It kinda hurt you to see her reaction.

"No. I think I`m gonna go home. I think I have to rest until I see Arthur again on Monday.  I dont want to cancel our date. He is looking forward to it. I`m sorry thatI ruined our weekend before it even started...."

She giggled.

"Why are you laughing? Cant you see I`m feeling like shit?"

She pointed at the empty place beside her "Si down Y/N. And calm down for a second. I dont think that you`re ill at all. You feel sick to the stomach, dizzy and emotionally sensitive.....Think about what it might be."

"I dont know what you are talking about!" you yelled

"Oh I see, currently very emotional with your  reactions."

"Yeah go ahead making fun of me" you replied with a dissappointed look on your face.

"Y/N. You and Arthur I mean....you want to stay together right?"

"Of course we do!"

"You love each other to death?"

"Yeah!"

She clapped her hands "So I think Monday will be even more special when he hears the news!"

"Which news?" you still didnt understood what she was all about.

"Y/N. My dear, you might be pregnant with Arthur`s child!"

The very second you heard her saying this your heart just stopped. You tried to think about the symptoms  but all you could think about was Arthur and how he would react if this was really true. You rubbed your dimples, tried to remember how one of your friends felt like when she got pregnant.  It really could be it.

"Oh my god..." you whispered.

"YES great news. I mean....if you really are this would be great news for you, right? Hopefully...I mean...did you talked about that? You and Arthur?"

Concentrating was hard "We did....I mean....a while ago he told me how much he loves kids and that he always wanted to have a family and .....I mean look at him when he is with kids. he would be a great dad. I know he would. "

"And how do YOU feel about it?" she asked.

"I...I`m not sure....I mean...I want to spent the rest of my life with him and...the thought of being a parent is stil kinda scare, isnt it? But...yeah I think I really want to have a kid with Arthur. He is the only man who ever made me feel this way. Its just overwhelming right now. The thought that it might happen NOW. But yeah...I would be happy about it for sure. " you started to cry. Your best friend hugged you tight "Shhhhhtt . Eighter way it will be good. What do you think about going to the pharmacy and get a test right now? So you dont have to ask yourself that question all day?"

You nodded. Knowing would help. You just had to know if your friend was right.

An hour later you couldnt stop your hands from shaking as you got back to your friends apartment. The pregnancy test in your hand felt surreal. You never did such a test before, so you sat down with her to read everything through.

"Are you ready?" she asked you.

You werent sure. How could anyone ever be ready for something like that? Deep down you knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. The more you thought about it, the more you wanted the test to turn out positive. You just felt deep in your heart that Arthur would be happy,too. There was only a slight chance that he would be too overwhelmed and scared. But then again, who wouldnt be?

"No. I`m not ready" you smiled while you said it out loud.

"But you are smiling! Thats a good thing. Take your time. We can do this tonight if you want."

You got up and headed to the bathroom "No. No. I really want to know now.  So I will have more time to think about how I will tell Arthur on Monday."

"Ha! You`re already talking like you are pregnant. I like that" her face lighted up.

And you realized that this was true. Somehow you suddenly felt like you already knew. Like everything was coming together. You imagined Arthur holding your baby for the first time. Imagined his big puppy eyes while trying to make his kid laugh. You already felt the love he was radiating as a dad. Your eyes started watering when you closed the door behind you. You followed the discriptions of the test and waited.

It wasnt long but it felt like a lifetime.

So many scenarios went through your head. Any possible reaction from Arthur. You checked the watch. It was time to take a look at the result. Your heart was beating fast. You didnt even knew how much you wanted a kid with him until now. You hoped for the test to be positive. So much it would even hurt you if it was not the case. This morning you didnt even thought of being a parent and suddenly it was all you could think about. Arthur as a dad. Arthur as the father of your child. What a wonderful life it would be! Not easy, but wonderful and worth living for.

Your shaky hand grabbed the test with eyes closed. One deep breath in. And another.

Okay.

Now.

Now you will know.

Postive. The test was positive. Arthur and you would be parents soon!

You wished for him to be here with you right now. A brief moment you felt regret for not making the test when he was there with you but anyway, you would make sure to surprise him in the sweetest way!

"Ohhh my god, you were right!" you screamed as you got out of teh bathroom "You were right!!!!"

Your friend ran towards you and held you tight "I knew. I just knew. I am so happy for you. Are you happy? You are feeling good, right? Oh my god!"

"Yeah, I...I am happy. So much happier than I thought I would be. I cant wait to tell Arthur the day after tomorrow. God, I dont even know if I can wait until then. But I have to because....I want the surprise to be perfect. And I gotta figure out how I will tell him the news!"

"You`re going to be a great mum Y/N. I just know. And Arthur is going to be the funniest daddy ever!"

You sat down on teh couch, dizzy but happy at heart "Wow,thats just...a lot to think about!"

Your friend told you to rest and made you a cup of tea to calm your stomach.  You realized that life would never be the same again after the kid would be born. But you wanted it. You wanted it all. With him. And him only.

It was so hard to no tell Arthur when he called you the next day. But you wanted to see his face when you told him. You wanted to feel his arms around you and this wasnt possible through the phone, so you waited for Monday evening.

You made sure that you arrived earlier than he would and put the pregnancy test into an envelope, so he would find it as soon as he checked the box for letters. He always did because his mum was waiting on a letter from Thomas Wayne for months now. Standing in the hallway was torture. You checked your watch at least twenty times until he finally arrived. Arthur was still wearing his clown make up. He carried his green wig and clown shoes in his big bag, looking tired. "Ohhhh honey. I`m so glad to be home. It was a long day at HaHas.  There was a kids birthday. I danced for at least three hours. But it was worth it. You should have seen the little boys face! God. I love making kids happy.....Y/N? Are you okay?"

"Arthur!" you jumped into his arms and felt him with all your senses.  "Yes I`m fine. Just so.....good to see you again and I missed you so much!"

A real smile was visible underneath his big, red fake smile "I`m happy to have you in my arms again,too. I missed you the moment you walked out of the elevator two days ago!"

Arhur grabbed his keys to open the letter box. That was the moment. In less than a minute he would know.

"A letter!" he mumbled "Maybe my mum finally gets what she was waiting for ."  He checked the envelope. "Wait....It says For Arthur....there is no stamp and....this is...your handwriting...?" he looked at you. The confused frown on his face made you want to kiss him so bad.

"Open it, darlin. please!"

Arthurs fingers felt that there was something in it.

"Darling, its not even my birthday." he joked "Did you got me a present?" he reached for what was in there and pulled it out.

Arthurs face froze for a moment. No reaction. Just him staring at the test and the little note that said "Soon we`re going to be a family! "

For a second your heart seemed to stop. Why didnt he say anything? Why wasnt he even moving? Was it bad news for him?

The envelope fell down to his feet as he covered his face with his hands. He was crying.

"A-Arthur? Darling?" you took a step closer to him. And another. Until you were able to put your arm around him. His tiney body was shaking.

"Arthur....please say something.

Seeing him cry now was torture. You were looking forward to this moment until you saw the test result and now he was crying in silence. He didnt even looked at you. His beautiful hands just covered his face while he was sobbing like a little boy.

"Oh Arthur, I thought....I really thought this would make you happy,too?!"

Arthur uncovered his face. His puffy eyes glanced at you with love "Are you kidding me Y/N? Of course I am happy. I was never happier in my whole life! Oh my god. I am....I never felt this way before. We are going to be a family! This is all I ever wanted in life. Thank you for making my dream come true!" Arthur fell into your arms. His head resting on your shouders  as tears of happiness ran down his face.

Now you started crying too.

"Oh god, I`m so glad. So reliefed. You`re going to be the best daddy ever. I love you so much, Artie! So incredibly much."

Arthur kissed you softly on the lips. Traces of his clown make up covered the corner of your mouth.

"You know what? Tomorrow I`m taking a day off and we`ll have a beautiful picnic in the park. Just the two of us. Out on a date to celebrate this! And when we`re back home, I´m going to tell my mum!"

You smiled "Your mum didnt even knew you had a girlfriend. She will be shocked."

"So what? Its our life! And our desicion. We will be looking for a new home anyway."

"Yeah" you wiped a curl out of his face.

"C`mon, honey, lets get in and relax for the night."

Arthur took you by the hand and soon you found yourself all cuddled up on the couch. Arthur on your side. Skin on skin. His breath behind your ear. His hand caressing your belly.

"So you think its going to be a boy or a girl?" he asked you while his fingers gently moved in circles. He lit some candles to make it even cozier for you.

"I dont know" you whispered "I would love a son who looks just like his father."

Arthurs hand on your tummy felt so calming. Like a charm that made your child feel loved.

"And I would love a daughter who is just as precious as her mother."

You smiled.

"I promise I will try my best to be a good dad. I will make our kid laugh as often as possible and teach him or her how to do magic tricks and I´ll dance to make the child feel better. I will try anything. to be.....good enough! I`m gonna take good care of our baby."

"I know you are going to be amazing. Who wouldnt love to have a funny clown as a father?"

Arthur leaned in to kiss you "I promise you, I will find a job as a stand up comedian so we can afford much more than now. I`m gonna make it work. "

"I know we will Arthur. The two....no. The three of us together."

Arthur pulled you even closer to his chest. The warmth of his body lulled you in as you drifted away into sleep. The last thing you`ve heard before your eyes closed was Arthur whispering "Sleep tight, little angel" while he placed his lips on your belly to kiss your child good night.

[storiesforallfandoms]

awful ~ dani ardor;midsommar

word count: 2712

request?: yes!

“Dani from Midsommar imagine about the reader being jealous of Christian and hating how bad he treats Dani?”

description: in which she tries to convince her best friend to leave her awful boyfriend, but there’s other motives in her mind for it

pairing: dani ardor x female!reader

warnings: swearing, toxic relationships, mentions of death

masterlist

I walked through the door and saw Dani sat on our shared couch, her cheeks pink and tear stained and her eyes puffy. I tried to resist an eye roll as I knew immediately what this was about: Christian.

Christian was Dani’s emotionally distance, mentally abusive, toxic boyfriend that she had been dating for years, but only recently had he began to grow so toxic, and we all - meaning myself and even Christian's friends - knew it was because he didn’t want to have to deal with Dani’s PTSD over the death of her sister and parents.

He was a giant asshole. He constantly dismissed Dani and her emotions, he would berate her for being so emotional sometimes, especially on important days such as the birthdays of her late family members, he would constantly blow her off for his friends, or just because he wanted to. I could never understand why she put up with him, especially when she was so aware of how awful he was.

When she realized I had walked through the door, Dani quickly wiped the tears from her face. “Oh, hey (Y/N). I didn’t know you’d be back so soon.”

“I was let go early. Slow day,” I responded. “Everything alright?”

She nodded, but wouldn’t meet my eye. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

I believed that about as much as I believed in Big Foot, but I couldn’t force Dani to talk to me if she didn’t want to. That would just be more damaging to her, and the last thing she needed was anyone else being damaging.

I moved to my room to change out of my clothes and when I returned to the living room, Dani was staring at the TV intently, as if watching a very interesting show or movie, but it wasn’t on. I knew she was gone somewhere in her head, trying to justify the way Christian was treating her. She was always like this after one of their fights.

I sat myself next to her, causing her to snap out of her thoughts and look at me. “Sorry, (Y/N). I just have a lot on my mind right now.”

“Christian?”

She looked down at her hands, which was enough of an answer for me. “What’s going on this time?”

She winced at the question and I wondered if she realized how often this happened, or how often I noticed. She and Christian always tried to act happy and normal in front of people, especially me since I seemed to be the only one in our friend group with the common sense to try and convince Dani to break up with Christian, but they weren’t that great at acting when Christian really had no idea how to not be such an asshole.

“It’s the one year anniversary of mom, dad, and Terri’s death,” she explained. “My grandparents aren’t exactly talking to me, they say they see too much of my parents or Terri in me to really want to be around me, so I asked Christian if he’d go to the graveyard with me and place flowers on their graves and just be with me while I grieved where I don’t have any other family.”

“And what was his response to that?” I asked, although I already knew fully well what he said.

She wiped her eyes again as new tears began to form. Her voice was shaky as she responded, “He told me he doesn’t want to go because that’s too sad and graveyards make him feel weird. I told him we wouldn’t be there long and then we can go back to his place for the night, and he said he didn’t want me to be over if I was going to be all weepy and emotional. He said he and the guys are supposed to drink and play video games and that me being there would only ruin that if I was going to get emotional.”

She was trying so hard to be strong, and I knew it was just because she didn’t want me to remind her of how awful Christian was and tell her to break up with him again. And truthfully, I didn’t want to remind her anymore. I didn’t want to put her in a tough spot between him and me, even if I didn’t like him.

So, instead of saying my usual spiel, I stood from the couch and extended a hand to her. Dani looked up at me in confusion. “Get your butt up and let’s go to the nearest open floral shop. We’ll get flowers for your parents and Terri and we’ll go to the graveyard together.”

Her eyes widened. “Really? You’ll do that for me?”

“Of course I will. Dani, this is a hard day for you, you deserve to grieve or mourn it however you want, without being made upset by stupid boys. Now, come on, if we wait too long there won’t be any good flowers left.”

After going to two floral shops to get the flowers Dani wanted, we drove to the graveyard where her parents and sister were buried. The whole ride there, Dani’s phone was ringing like crazy. Finally, she sent a quick message to whoever was calling before shutting her phone off.

Dani looked out at the grave of her family and I could see her falling apart. She had been struggling to move on from it all in the past year, and I couldn’t blame her for that at all. She lost her entire family, and it seemed as though no one cared besides me.

She got out of the car first and I followed, carrying the flowers. She stood over their graves before turning and extending a hand to me. I passed her the first bouquet and she placed it next to her mother’s name, then the next to her father, and the final one to Terri.

“I miss you guys,” she said, her voice beginning to shake again. “Everything sucks without you. I hate not having a mom or a sister to talk to about my problems, or having a dad to give me advice or to threaten boys. I miss seeing your faces and hearing your voices every day. I miss you guys so much.”

She buried her head in her hands as she began to sob again. I quickly took her into my arms and cradled her to me. I allowed her to cry on my shoulder and I rubbed her back, soothingly. I tried to hold back my own tears, but it was hard. I hated seeing Dani so sad, but it seemed like that’s the only way she could feel lately.

I wasn’t sure how long we were standing there, to me it felt like just a few minutes, but the sound of a car approaching, and seeing whose car it was, told me it had been much longer than that.

Dani raised her head from my shoulder to watch as Christian put his car in park and got out. I tried to contain my eye roll as I shoved my hands into my pockets and looked at the ground.

“What happened to your phone? I’ve been trying to call you for nearly an hour,” he said as he approached us.

“I told you I was coming here,” Dani defended, her voice still shaky. “Why did you even come look for me?”

“I was worried.”

Yeah, the tone in your voice sounds real worried.

“Worried about what?” Dani asked. “I told you I was coming with (Y/N), I wasn’t going to hurt myself and nothing was going to happen to me.”

Christian shifted, as if he had something more to say on that topic, but instead responded, “I was just worried, okay? You weren’t answering and it worried me. Let’s go home.”

He reached for her but Dani pulled away, which shocked me. She had never done that before. She always followed Christian, no matter what he said or did.

She glared daggers at him as she responded, “No. I’m not going with you Christian.”

Christian’s eyes widened in shock. “Why not?”

“Because I’m so sick of this!” Dani snapped. “I asked you to come with me to mourn my parents and my sister on the one year anniversary of their death, and you blew me off for your friends! You didn’t even need to get out of the car! I just needed some emotional support right now, I’ve needed emotional support for the last year!”

I could tell this was pissing Christian off, but he tried to remain calm. “You know I’m just not good with stuff like this, and I had already had plans with the guys. I didn’t want to ruin them - ”

“That’s the shittiest excuse ever,” Dani hissed. “That does not make the situation better, nor does you not being good with this stuff. I get it, you don’t understand what I’m going through, and I’d never be mad at you for that. You haven’t lost someone close to you, much less your parents, but Christian, saying you don’t want to go with your girlfriend to comfort her on the one year anniversary of her parents and sister’s death because you don’t want to ruin plans with your friends?! I’m not saying the guys a

ren’t important, but you have plenty of nights with the guys! You fucking live with them! I’ll never have a night with my parents ever again, or with Terri! I ask you for this one fucking thing and you can’t even stop being an asshole long enough to do that!”

Her words echoed through the silent graveyard. I felt as though this wasn’t a conversation I should be hearing, but I didn’t want to leave Dani. Even if I just went to sit in the car, I’d still be too far away if Christian tried to do anything to her.

He ran a hand through his hair before extending it to Dani again. “Look, Dani, I’m sorry, okay? I’ve been a shitty boyfriend. I haven’t been trying to understand what you’ve been going through because I’m not good at grief or emotions. That’s not fair to you. I’m so sorry. Just...come home with me and let me make it right.”

I had heard this a million times, and of course he had never changed. It was just a manipulation tactic to try and get Dani to stay around, and I expected it to work this time, just like it did every other time. So to say I was shocked when Dani backed away from him and told him, “No Christian, I’m done with you trying to make it right” is an understatement.

Christian’s shocked face mirrored my own feelings. “What?”

“I’m done,” Dani repeated. “I’m done with you being a shitty boyfriend. You keep telling me you’re going to change but then you never do, and I’m done with it. I’m done with this relationship. We are over. I never want to see you again. I’ll leave whatever you have at my apartment on my doorstep and you can bring my stuff over, and that’s it. That’s the end.”

In a second, Christian’s shock turned to anger as he turned to look at me. “You. This is all your fault! You never liked me, and now you have Dani brainwashed to think the same way!”

I scoffed. “Oh yeah, I brainwashed her to realize you’re a shitty human being. I know it’s hard to believe Christian, but Dani is a big girl and can make big girl decisions all on her own.”

He took a step forward to try and approach me, but Dani quickly got between us and shoved Christian as hard as she could. “Fucking leave Christian!”

“You don’t see what she’s doing to you?” he asked. “She’s trying to manipulate you into breaking up with me so you’ll run into her arms. She’s been in love with you since day one, Dani, and she just can’t take it that you don’t like her back because she has a pussy.”

I tried not to let the hurt show, but it was hard when Christian knew that the one way to target me was through my feelings for Dani. I don’t know how he knew, as I never told anyone and tried not to make my feelings so obvious, but he had been insisted for nearly a year that I was trying to break him and Dani up because I was in love with her. I’d never admit to her that that was part of my intentions, but there was a small voice in the back of my mind that kept convincing me that if Dani and Christian broke up that maybe I’d have a chance with her.

Dani shook her head. “Just go Christian. It’s over, for good.”

Christian glared at us both before going back to his car. He started it and sped past us, tearing up the grass of the graveyard as he went. Dani sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. I wasn’t quite sure what to say, or if I should say anything at all.

She turned to look at me and decided, “Let’s go home. I want to watch movies and eat junk food.”

I agreed and we made our way back to the car. The drive was silent until we hit our first red light. We were there for some time before Dani finally said, “You know he’s wrong, right?”

I looked over at her, furrowing my eyebrows. “Wrong about what?”

“A lot of things,” she responded, smiling slightly at her own joke, “but also about the fact that I don’t like you cause you’re a girl.”

My grip tightened on the steering wheel, and I hoped she hadn’t noticed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean he’s been brushing aside my sexuality for years,” she said. “I told him when we met that I was bisexual, but he kept telling me that it was just a phase because I started to date him. So his point of me not liking you cause you’re a girl is invalid.”

I was shocked to hear this. Dani had never told me she was bisexual, but maybe she didn’t because of Christian. I knew how hard it was to come out to people who didn’t believe that bisexuality was a thing. Now, I just kept my sexuality to myself until I knew for sure that someone wouldn’t mock me or turn their back on me for it.

“So,” I started, still confused on where this conversation was going, “what are you trying to say?”

Dani looked at me and smiled. “I’m trying to say that I like you as more than a friend or a roommate, and I think I have for some time, but I didn’t want to admit it because I was still with Christian. But now Christian is out of my life, and I’m never getting back with him, so I feel confident enough to tell you that I really like you (Y/N).”

I was so shocked that I hadn’t noticed the light turn green until the car behind me honked. I drove off, trying to focus on the road, but it was hard after that confession.

“Really?” I finally asked when I could manage to get my tongue to work again.

Dani laughed. “Yes, really. Do you actually like me? Or was Christian just making up shit so he didn’t have to take the blame for our breakup?”

I shook my head. “No, he’s right. I...I do like you, too. I have for a while, but I’d never try and break you two up because of that.”

“I know. We were just toxic, we needed to end things.” She reached over and put a hand on one of mine, that was still clutching the steering wheel. “I just...I need some time to get over the breakup, and to properly move on from my parents and Terri. Would it be too much to ask if you’d...wait for me to be ready?”

I looked over at her and smiled warmly. “It’s definitely not too much. Take all the time you need, I’ll be waiting whenever you’re ready.”

[apenapaperandadoofus]

hiii 🥺

school started around a month ago for me and its been stressful so may i ask for some comfort headcanons of the rfa + v, saeran and rika and how theyd comfort a reader who is struggling with adhd/add and feels useless because they cant get anything done and keep getting distracted bdkdjhdjevejjdheue

Ahh I got chu, it happens to me all the time with literally e v e r y t h i n g

AND can I just say I luv how we included Rika in here :3 I absolutely love writing her character when she's actually mentally and emotionally stable, she would be one heck of a partner 😆

RFA+minor duo+Rika comforting a stressed reader (Part 1!) I'll post the other parts soon!

Zen:

The two of you had been fairly busy with work and school, only having dinner time to spend together. Still, Zen didn't fail to notice that you seemed to be feeling a lot more down lately.

He tried asking about how your schoolwork was going, to see if you wanted any help, but you just quietly mumbled a no and changed the subject.

Zen couldn't help the frown that appeared on his face, but he decided to not say anything until you were ready to talk. He still made sure you were taking care of yourself though, and tried to help you with any chores around the house.

Eventually one night, he was on the couch, trying to memorize a few of his lines, until you came in the room quietly and straddled him, hugging him tightly.

"Y/N? Is everything alright?" He asked, his tone worried, and you only sighed, tightening your grip on his neck.

"I can't focus on school. I keep trying to do my work but I just...I can't. And the project is due in a few days and I haven't even started. Zenny...I don't know what to do." You sobbed and Zen felt his heart clench. He pulled you away gently and held your face, caressing your cheek.

"It's alright. I'm glad you asked me for help. I know how hard school can be sometimes, how stressful it is, but I want you to know that you can always ask for my help alright? Now why don't we go and try to work on that assignment of yours, I'll be more than happy to help you."

You smiled. "Really Zen? Thank you. I love you."

He chuckled and kissed your nose before standing up and carrying you towards your bedroom princess style. He tried his best to answer any questions you had, but it turned out he didn't really know about the subject and you had to call the RFA for help, BUT you managed to finish the work in time and got a pretty good grade! Zen spun you around in circles when you told him, and then he kissed you to congratulate you!

Yoosung:

Oh the stress it is to be a college student. Especially if your partner is a college student too, and the two of you always get distracted by one thing or another.

Yoosung and you had been together for a while, and you managed to make him want to change, to become a better person. He started doing his assignments in time, and stopped playing as much LOLOL. For him homework seemed to be easy as heck.

For you though? You wanted to throw yourself out the window. Everytime you sat down to do your work, you suddenly got this urge to read, or use or phone, or paint or even learn how to play the cello for some reason. You seemed to want to do anything else but homework, and so, your once messy house suddenly became spotless. You had been cleaning for hours, everytime you finished something exclaiming that oh, the kitchen is actually pretty dirty, or the floor could use some vacuuming.

Yoosung had been a bit stressed from his work to notice at first, but at one point he looked up from the table to see you furiously mopping the floor for the 5th time that day. He wouldn't have thought anything of it except that, you had an expression of anxiety and stress on your face, and he also knew you absolutely hated cleaning, so clearly something was wrong.

He stood up and gently took the mop from you. "MC? Are you alright?"

You slowly looked up at Yoosung and let out a forced chuckle. "Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?"

Your boyfriend raised an eyebrow and looked around the house. "You're cleaning."

"So? It was getting dirty and I-"

"MC you hate cleaning. C'mon, what's going on? You can talk to me!" He had a determined look on his face and you felt yourself smile as you saw how adorable he looked. But then once you remembered why you were cleaning in the first place, your smile faded and you sighed.

"I'm just....I haven't been doing any work for school. Whenever I try to, my mind suddenly wants to do another completely different task, I just can't focus on anything and that is only making me feel worse because I know that the work is due soon, but I still haven't done anything and it just- it makes me feel so bad and stressed so now I'm just panicking about everything!" You started pacing around the room quickly, speaking faster and faster. You kept doing it until Yoosung get to grabbed you by the shoulders.

"Whoa whoa, alright let's just calm down, just take a deep breath alright? Breathe in, and breathe out, we can't solve anything if you're panicking....are you feeling better now?"

After you did what Yoosung had told you, you slowly looked up at him and nodded. He gave you a reassuring smile.

"Good! It's normal for you to feel stressed like that...I understand, I've been in your position far too many times to count. In fact, if I had a dollar for every time that's happened to me then I'd be richer than Jumin"

You giggled and Yoosung chuckled. "Anyway the thing is, next time this happens please tell me, alright? If you ever feel stressed or anxious, just know that I'm here for you. You're an amazing person, you're so smart and beautiful, this is just a little bump on the road. Now, why don't we go and start working on your project hmm? I promise I'll be there to help you, and make sure you're working of course!"

You hesitantly nodded, still a bit nervous about the work, but once you started, you began to feel a bit more confident. Yoosung was there, every now and then letting out some cheers and just helping you on any questions you had.

Thankfully you managed to finish your work in time, and once you were done Yoosung rewarded you by giving you a free cuddle session!

Jaehee:

That woman knew what was going on before you could say anything. She was all too familiar with the look of stress and anxiety from having far so much work.

You were in the kitchen, baking brownies and cookies non-stop. She knew it was something you normally did whenever you were stressed, so she placed her hand on top of yours and said. "MC? Is everything alright?"

You immediately stood up straighter and nervously looked at her. Then, you bit your lip, knowing you couldn't really lie to her. "Uhm....I'm...I'm really not. School has really been taking a toll on me, and I can't seem to do any work. Jaehee I...I feel so useless right now..." You tried your best to breathe and to not break down in from of Jaehee, who was now holding your hand tightly.

"I see....is it about that big project you had been talking about last week? I can help you, if you want....listen to me MC." She gently raised your chin and smiled. "You're an amazing person, don't ever say that you're useless ever again. You're the very opposite of that in fact, you're so important to me and the RFA, I honestly don't know where we would be if it weren't for you. You're a very smart and capable person, and I'm sure soon enough you'll have all of this figured out. Why don't you start working on the project while I clean up over here, and then I can help you with anything you need, is that alright?"

You nodded and Jaehee gently led you to the kitchen table and helped you get your computer. Whenever you'd feel down of unmotivated Jaehee would grab your hand and squeezed it, then she'd help you with anything you were having trouble with and honestly? Jaehee was an amazing teacher, and soon enough you managed to get back on your feet.

Once you were done, the two of you made a victory night! You both baked together and watched musicals and danced around the room. Jaehee also made you some very delicious brownies when you got back your final grade, since you nailed it!

Jumin:

Jumin had just finished signing the last of his documents, and he leaned back in his chair. Ever since you moved in to the penthouse he started working a bit more from home. Of course there'd be days where he'd go, but once in a while he took a few breaks (this man also needs to rest once in a while)

Which is why, he had noticed that lately you had been feeling pretty down. School had just started, and Jumin could tell you were a bit stressed, and super anxious about school.

He was thinking of ways to help you, when suddenly he heard a knock on the door. He looked up to see you opening it a little and looking around, as if asking for permission to come in. He nodded and you quickly walked over to him, straddling his lap.

"Is everything alright love?" He asked, as you ran your hands through his hair.

"Yeah everything is fine. It's great. Really nice. Yup."

He raised and eyebrow and pulled you away so you could look at him better. He looked up at you, and you tried to look anywhere else that wasn't him.

"MC...." He caressed your cheek and glanced at you with a worried expression. "...There's something bothering you, isn't there? Why don't you tell me, and I promise I will try my best to fix it. It pains me to see you like this."

You sighed and slowly looked up at him, biting your lip.

"Well...." You sighed. "I.... I really don't deserve you Jumin...you're so...do amazing and incredible and I'm just...I'm so useless. I can't even do my school work right...." You ducked your head and looked at the ground, feeling ashamed.

Jumin gently lifted your chin and held you tight. "MC....you...how could you say that?" You looked at him in surprise and he only shook his head, and then leaned his forehead against yours. "You are the most intelligent and beautiful person I have ever met. It's so amazing that I get to be with someone as extraordinary as you. MC, you are not useless. Not at all. You are a very capable person, and you never give up, no matter what. School may be really hard right now, but I promise that you will get through it, and I'll be beside you the whole time if you need someone to lean on." He softly kissed you and you immediately felt a load of your back disappear. Itfelt so good to finally tell Jumin how you felt.

"Jumin...." You whispered against his lips, and he smiled.

"My love....everything will be alright, and if you need my assistance please don't be scared to ask. I'd be more that happy to help you."

Yoy wrapped your arms around his neck and smiled. "Oh Jumin! You are so adorable, I feel like my heart will explode from how much I love you! I'll take you up on that offer!"

"But of course my services don't come for free..." He smiled and you chuckled, shaking your head.

"Fair enough, what would you want in exchange?"

He pulled you tighter against his body and whispered in your ear. "I want to stay like this a little longer. Let me hold you for a while."

You blushed and then the two of you pulled away to kiss.

After a while, finally the two of you got down to business to defeat the awful project your teacher had assigned.

You had to admit it was a bit hard, since everytime Jumin would explain something to you you'd suddenly get distracted by how handsome he looked, and you'd pull him in for a kiss in the middle of an explanation.

Somehow you were able to finish the project and you got a good grade! When you try Jumin he picked.you up and spun you around, kissing you passionately. Then he'd smirk and grab you by the hand. "You deserve a prize after all your hard work."

And then he'd lead you to your room and the two of you would cuddle close in bed, the covers around you.

And you'd watch cat videos because thou shall not sin in this house.

(I'm just kidding you totally banged afterwards.)

For Saeyoung I already made a lil one shot with the same situation jsjsjsjs so I'll link it here! For the other characters they'll be posted soon since I don't want the post to be so long sjdjdbdbd

[skylarmoon71]

TMNT 2014/2016 Raphael x Reader-(Short Story) Chapter 2

"You should have just let me take him, he was right there! "

"Come on Raph, we're just supposed to help not make it worse. Besides, we stopped the train. They won't be bringing in any more weapons." Raph grumbled, sheathing both his blades. Apparently they were discussing what took place in their most recent case. Raph lived to defy Leo, it wasn't anything new.

"Whatever, next time I'm going out on my own." he shoved Leo as he brushed passed. Leo grabbed his shoulder, halting him. 

"You're not going out on your own, we do this together Raph!" You really hated it whenever they fought. Despite that, you never said anything when it got like this. Even Mikey and Donnie knew better. Raph pushed Leo back roughly, and the blue bandana turtle hit a shelf close by. Lucky for him he had his shell to take the brunt of the hit. Unlucky for you, you didn't. You were on the other side of the cupboard, and when it started to fall you panicked.

Raph saw it falling, yelling out for you. You braced your hands, closing your eyes. You heard a few items clattering to the floor at the sides of you, but when you realized you were unharmed you looked up. Donnie had his arms spread, holding up the cupboard. He lifted it in the other direction, bracing it back against its previous spot. "Are you alright?" Leo was at your side in an instant, and you sighed relieved. You smiled at Donnie who was already checking your body for injuries.

"T-Thank you Donnie you might have just saved my life." He gave a sheepish smile rubbing his neck.

"I-It was nothing. "

Now that the danger was over, Leo glared at his brother. He stomped in his direction enraged. "What the hell are you doing! You could have really hurt (Y/N)!" You stepped over placing a hand on Leo's arm to calm him down.

"I-It's fine Leo. I-It was an accident. H-He didn't mean to." Raph would never intentionally harm you.

"Yeah Leo, listen to your girlfriend. " That made you a little annoyed. Because he was already angry, you just let it slide. Leo was still sizing Raph up, and you knew you wouldn't be able to handle it if they got into another fist fight because of you. Leo glanced down at the unease in your eyes. Reluctantly, his shoulders slumped. He stepped down, and Raph just wore an arrogant smirk.

"Just like you to fold. Sometimes I wonder why you're the leader." Leo didn't reply, taking your hand and guiding you out the room. You wanted to stay there and try to get both brothers to work out the problem, but you didn't have it in you to pull away from Leo's hold, especially since he looked so worried when he thought you would get buried under the cupboard. So as he pulled you along, you sent a longing look in Raph's direction. He looked up at the last second, right before you went around the corner. That split second, you could have sworn you saw a hint of hurt in his eyes.

~~~

"Are they still fighting?" you were chatting with Donnie on your cell phone. It was pretty late, and you knew you wouldn't be able to sneak out, so you were in your room, laying down on your bed.

"Yeah, don't worry too much. Master Splinter will make sure they don't go at each other's throats." you smiled.

"That's good to hear. Well I'll check in tomorrow. Spring break is about to begin so I'll get to spend more time with you guys."

"That's-"

"Hey is that (Y/N)? Dude what's up!!" you laugh hearing Mikey in the background.

"Hey Mikey, I was just telling Donnie about the upcoming break. We may finally get to settle that score in Call of Duty."

"I'm so gonna kick your butt!" You couldn't wait.

"I'll be looking forward to it." you spoke. After giving your goodbyes, you hung up the phone, flopping back on the mattress. Somehow you'd become a little better at interacting. Before meeting the turtles you pretty much avoid interacting with people.

For good reason to. But with them, it was never a challenge. Leo was like an older brother. Mikey the goofy childish younger brother. Donnie was like a middle child. Smart, techy and a little bit of a dork. Raph was obviously the rebel. Even with all their differences, it was weird that you found comfort trusting them rather than your own species.

Maybe it was because the turtles lived by a code. They were natural born protectors, saviors. At heart, their main purpose in life was helping. And they did. They helped you, not just physically. But also mentally, emotionally. If you could offer them the world, you would do it without a second thought.

You flinched when you heard a small knock on the glass on your window. You looked over at the curtains. Maybe it was a bat? You stepped out of bed, moving to check the glass. When you shifted the curtain, you were shocked at who was hanging unto your window sill.

"R-Raph!" you slapped your hand against your mouth, because that came out much louder than intended. Opening the window, you ushered him inside quickly. As soon as you did it you ran over, turning the latch on your door.

He was lucky your room was located in the back of the house, covered by trees in your yard. It would be pretty awkward if you had to explain him to your neighbors.

Now that you were no longer in autopilot, you stood by the door. Raph was still by your window. He rolled his shoulders after climbing through the small space. And now he was just standing there, clearly unsure of what to do, or say.

"This is awkward.." you had absolutely no idea why he came, and the fact that neither of you had ever had an actual conversation alone didn't help your nerves.

"This is stupid." He groused. You kept playing with your fingers. "W-Why are you....is something wrong back home with Leo?" at the mention of his brother's name his face turned sour. "It's always about him isn't it. Leo. I came all the way here to apologize to you and that's all you have to say!"

Unconsciously you took a step back. You never did like it when he yelled. Especially since this was the first time it was directed at you. Not just that, but yelling right now wasn't the best thing since your parents were only a couple doors down. He must have realized, because he turned his head. "Forget about it. I don't even know why I came." You could feel him fuming from all the way over there. And as much as you wanted to say something, you'd already irritated him, you didn't want to say anything to make it worse. Although at this point just about anything would.

"I'm sorry." you whispered. Raph stopped in his spot, looking over his shoulder.

"I-I know I barely ever talk to you. And I always make things awkward when it's us two. I don't mean too. A-And I didn't mean to get you in trouble with Leo the other day. I-It's my fault that you guys are fighting right now." In a way it was.

Raph sighed defeatedly. He came to apologize, and instead he scared you into doing what he should have done the moment he stepped in, instead of picking a fight.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one that always messes everything up."

"That's not true." When you said that he turned to you fully. You burrowed your hands behind your back, finally feeling a little confident now that he wasn't as pissed.

"You do have a bad temper, and you suck at taking orders, but you don't mess things up." Where those words came from, you had no clue. But you were liking your sudden boldness.

"Your brothers depend on you. You guys have each other, no matter how much you think you mess up, they'll always be there for you. You just need to be better at working through your issues rather than just walking away from them."

Raph was just standing there listening, he seemed to be actually taking in you words. When he sent you a small grin your cheeks darkened.

"Here I thought you were just a little shrimp. You're a lot braver than you look. " you giggled softly. "I mean, compared to you guys I really am." you joked. Raph was smiling at you, actually smiling. He looked so damn sexy when he smiled. "No! Stop it stupid brain! I'm actually having a conversation with him, don't' ruin it!" Right now really wasn't the best time to fall for his charms.

"Thanks (Y/N)." He was thanking you. Could your night get any better.

"(Y/N) sweety are you alright?" you stiffened, and Raph looked side to side panicking.

"Aw shit!" he mouthed. You shook your hands advising him not to make a sound or move.

" I thought I heard yelling."

"I-I'm fine Mom. It was j-just a nightmare. I didn't want to wake you or dad. I-I'm sorry."

"Nightmares, do you want to talk about it." you could tell she was offering to stay awake longer to help you.

"I'm really fine mom, I promise. It was nothing. I'm going to go back to sleep. "

"Are you sure? I can make you a cup of tea or something. "

"There's no need. I promise I'm fine. Just go back to sleep." She lingered at the door for a while, before she relented. "Alright, but if you change your mind let me know."

"I will. I love you mom."

"Oh sweetheart I love you too. Try and get some rest okay. "

"Yeah I will." You waited in your spot until you heard her footsteps retreating. When you heard her bedroom door close, you sighed, placing a hand to your chest.

"That was close." you whispered. Raph was smirking at you, and it did weird things to your chest.

"W-What?"

"Nothing." It didn't look like nothing.

 "Come on tell me why you're wearing that smug little woah!" you had planned to march over, but you slipped on something on your floor. Raph was quicker, he caught you almost instantly. You must have stopped breathing for at least a few seconds, because you just stayed there in his arms. Your eyes connected, and that's when you let out a shallow breath. Raph was just as taken as you. He didn't move a muscle, just held you upright. You palm flattened against his chest, eyes never straying from his hypnotic gaze. With him slightly bent, all you had to do was lean up a few inches and you could close that space.

"Raph.." the sound of his name broke the spell. He straightened your body, pulling away. He cleared his throat, taking a couple steps back. "I should get going I need to-" he knocked into your desk behind on his way to leave and you winced at the sound that echoed. Raph froze, listening to make sure he didn't give your mother another reason to come back. When there wasn't any sound he relaxed, moving to your window.

"Be careful." you said gesturing to his head as he almost ran right into the glass. He just gave a force laugh, raising the window glass. You smiled. He was sort of cute like this. All fidgety. He ducked, creeping out the way he came in. "I'll come by tomorrow." you stated.

"Yeah..." he responded, but it didn't sound like he was really listening. He looked distracted.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

He nodded, inching up the wall.

"Yeah tomorrow." And just like that, he was flipping to the top of your roof. You bent your head, watching as he took off into the night.

You were looking forward to tomorrow, that was for sure.

[exhaustedfander]

Man’s Best Friend [Dukexiety]

It's the first time I've written Dukexiety and ho boy, this one's a doozy. Technically, it's only implied, but still. I’d love to hear what you think!

Word Count: 2,651

a03 link

My Writing Masterpost

The winter night was harsh and unforgiving. Wind ripped through the trees as a deep unpleasantness hung stale in the cold air. Virgil could feel its weight buckling down on him, could sense that something was deeply wrong. It petrified him.

“How’ve you been this week, Virgil?” He sat stiffly on the sofa across from his therapist, anxiety gnawing at him; nothing new. Dr. Logan Sanders had been his therapist for the last three years now since his mother had insisted by all means that he see a specialist. He’d been so bad then, in such a deteriorated state both mentally and emotionally. Honestly, he wasn’t much better today.

“Y’ know, the same,” he muttered, voice gritty. Virgil’s gaze fixed on a spot on the tan carpet, avoiding the therapist’s eyes. They’d felt so hallow lately, so unforgivingly bitter. It always convinced him he’d done something wrong. Logan rested a hand on his chin, an exasperated sigh exiting his parted lips as he shut his eyes for a moment.

In the many years that Logan had been a practicing therapist, he’d always handled every situation with a calm rationale. He would never claim to have coddled his patients, as he wasn’t the type, he’d certainly been something akin to gentle, at least as gentle as he could manage. He’d never wanted to apply any unnecessary pressure to individuals in already fraught situations. Now, he wondered if he should’ve approached things differently with Virgil, if perhaps he should have been more direct, asked the harder questions. Maybe he would’ve gotten somewhere.

“The same?” He asked, sounding uncharacteristically impatient, “Have you been taking the medication I prescribed?”

“Yeah, I have,” Virgil mumbled uneasily, “I’ve done everything you’ve asked, doc. I dunno, I just… don’t feel good.”

“Could you elaborate on that, please?” His therapist requested, sounding like a broken record. He always asked that, but Virgil never could seem to deliver. He grumbled, running a hand through his frazzled purple hair and worried his bottom lip. Therapy sessions were supposed to make him feel less anxious, but lately, they’d only been elevating things.

“No… no, I don’t think so. It’s just like I said; I don’t really know what’s wrong, I – I guess? I don’t think I ever have, really.” Logan leaned forward in his chair, letting out a weary sigh and pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

For the first year or so of his sessions, he had such high expectations of what kind of solutions he could find with Virgil. Back then there had seemed like so much to delve into, an entire person teeming with possibility; someone he could help. Virgil appeared to suffer from a number of issues that his other patients did, which initially sparked hope in the therapist.

However, there was much more to Virgil than he’d previously assumed. It didn’t take long for Logan to uncover the deep-rooted paranoia, festering just beneath the surface.

He was constantly nervous, fidgeting, and unnerved. He told tales of monsters, and the one he mentioned had been present in his life for as long as he could remember. These weren’t the figurative kind but rather the large-as-life, straight-out-of-a-horror-movie kind of creatures. No logic nor science could deter him from his conviction that they were real, not to say that Logan hadn’t tried. Virgil didn’t bring it up often, but when he did there was a wide, childlike fear in his eyes. He sounded so sure of himself when he spoke of these monsters that he never cared to elaborate on. He wouldn’t describe their appearance or what they were, simply that they existed. Despite Logan’s questioning, Virgil didn’t budge.

The strangest thing was, Virgil didn’t seem frightened by the idea of these things existing, but rather no one believing him. “No one ever understands. They don’t even try,” he’d once said. The statement remained with Logan, even now, haunting him like a phantom. He still didn’t know what to do with it.

“But Virgil,” Logan countered, “You do know what’s wrong. At least partially. You know that you’re deeply unhappy and have a heightened level of anxiety. You’re on medication for that.”

Virgil squirmed in his chair, tapping his foot against the floor. Uneasiness squeezed his insides as panic swept over him in pounding, unrelenting waves. Something wasn’t right.

“Well… yeah. Of course, I know that. But… there’s more, y’ know? A lot of stuff I don’t understand. I want to, I just… don’t.” Logan exhaled sharply, lolling his head back for a moment before turning back to his patient. He’d never looked so fed-up until today and it set an uneasiness to the beat of Virgil’s heart.

“Perhaps we could attempt to explore something else? Maybe talk about the monsters you’ve mentioned before?” Though he tried, Logan couldn’t mask the condescension of his tone.

“No. I don’t think I’d like to talk about that very much,” Virgil said quickly, crossing his arms over his chest as if that could armor his vulnerability. Suddenly, after letting out a noise of frustration, Logan rose to his feet. Virgil’s heart clenched; they weren’t even halfway through with their session.

“Uh… Dr. Sanders…?”

“I’m sorry, Virgil. Truly I am,” the therapist began, combing a hand through his hair before marching solemnly over to his desk and throwing open a drawer.

“Dr. Sanders i-is everything okay? What’re you sorry for?” Virgil asked, desperation seeping into his voice. Logan walked back to his patient with several business cards in hand, looking them over before meeting the eye of an especially anxious Virgil.

“I don’t think this is working out.”

The statement was as sharp and cold as the wind outside, chilling Virgil down to the bone. 

“What? W-what do you mean?” The therapist sighed; defeat readable on his face.

“Listen, Virgil, you’re a good man. I sincerely wanted to help you. I tried my best, in every way that I know how. But… I’m afraid it didn’t work out.”

“Wait. You’re telling me that you’re – that you’re dropping me?! Just like that? T-that you’re not gonna see me anymore?” The pain and anger mingled in Virgil’s tone, mixing until they were almost the same.

“Please, I don’t want to upset you. I have a number of colleges who I think might be a better fit for you. Here,” he said, extending a handful of business cards to Virgil, “Here’s their contact information. They’re all wonderful specialist and –.”

Virgil grabbed the cards from his therapist’s hand, crumpling them and thrusting them to the ground. He stomped on them, the cards crunching underfoot.

“Now, Virgil –.”

“No!” He shouted, outraged, “How could you do this? I-I pay you, don’t I? You’re supposed to help me! You’re supposed to fix me!” The threat of tears spilling over became emanate as a tremor ran down his spine.

“Listen to me: I’ve done all that I can,” Logan said with a sigh, “I’m not saying that you’re beyond help. You’re merely not finding it with me. I know you pay for your sessions, but I haven’t seen progress in too long. I don’t want to be a hindrance to your mental health, and I fear I’ve become just that.”

Tears ran down Virgil’s face, the warmth on his cheeks burning and unwelcome. The coldness that stirred in his heart was a bold contrast.

“H-how could you?” He asked, a hallow, broken tint to his voice.

“As I said, I apologize. I really do wish I could’ve done more.”

“You didn’t even try,” Virgil snarled, accusation burning in his eyes. Logan let out a sound of exasperation, scrubbing a hand over his face and shutting his eyes.

“I did, Virgil. I tried with the very best of my ability; I assure you. And…” he paused, disappointment flickering on his face, “And you have been the only patient that I haven’t been able to help.”

Virgil’s blood ran cold as he stood, staring in disbelief at his therapist – scratch that, former therapist – tears tumbling down his cheeks. His hands clenched into tight fists as the ice of his heart began to melt in contrast to the building rage that burst into flames.

“F-fine. I’ll go. I’ll leave because… because you failed me.” A frown tugged at Logan’s lips as he set his arms at his sides, sighing deeply.

“I truly am sorry.”

“Sure. Whatever,” Virgil muttered, moving towards the door.

“I can still give you the information of one of my colleges if you’d like. I really do think they could be of great help to you.”

“Save it,” Virgil spoke through gritted teeth, “I… I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say to me.” Logan nodded somberly, turning to his patient one final time.

“Understood. Take care, Virgil. I hope you’re able to get the help that you need.”

“Goodbye, Dr. Sanders,” Virgil said, slamming the door as hard as he could manage.

The wind howled as Virgil stepped out of the office and into the street, leaves skittering about and the feeling of bitterness burrowing deeper inside of him.

The bus ride home was a silent one. Usually, no one spoke to him in public situations anyway; it wasn’t shocking that Virgil wasn’t a people-person. But today they stayed even further than usual. Maybe they didn’t trust that look in his eyes.

When he arrived at his apartment the tears had welled back in his eyes. He threw open the door to his small dwelling, not even bothering to turn the lights on before delivering a sharp kick to the nearest object, happening to be his wooden coffee table. He shouted through the silence as he collapsed to the ground, his head in his hands.

“I… I don’t understand. I tried to do a-as he said… make progress. And he left me. J-just like everyone else…” He sniveled, biting his lip hard enough to taste blood before rising to his feet and throwing his hands in the air.

“W-what am I supposed to do now? What kind of s-sick… twisted man is he? I-I thought he would help me…”

“He was just like the rest of them, Virgil,” A harsh, grating voice spoke.

“I… I guess…”

“It’s just like I told you. He wasn’t to be trusted. None of them are, don’t you get that?” The voice continued, and Virgil let out a pained exhale, walking from the living room and into the bedroom, the voice gaining in volume.

“I-I do now,” Virgil admitted, his bed groaning underneath him as he sat down, hunched and wounded.

“Good. It was about time you learned.” The handle on the closet door began to turn slowly, the door itself creaking as it opened without Virgil’s assistance – just as it had ever since he could remember. The figure emerged, the light flickering on and off above him.

Remus was pitch dark, the color of oil. He was a plume of smoke given life, wispy and shifting, besides two bright green pupilless eyes that gave off a haunting glow. The monster’s shape could change at will, but currently, it possessed that of a human man, a twisted silhouette. The figure floated towards Virgil, making the motion of walking, though he didn’t mimic it completely. He sat down beside his companion, the mattress failing to dip beneath him, for the creature had no weight. He pressed a hand to Virgil’s shoulder, wisps of smoke escaping a cavity that presently served as a mouth.

“All I’ve ever done is protect you. Don’t you see that, Virge?” The ghost of tears clung to Virgil’s pale face as he stared straight ahead, his eyes refusing to meet that of the beast. He wasn’t afraid – he just didn’t want to look. Didn’t want to be seen.

“Yeah… I mean, I guess I do. I-I just thought –.”

“Forget what you thought,” Remus interrupted pointedly, “Forget all of it. It doesn’t matter, never did, in fact. This world's had it out for you from the start.” Virgil laughed bitterly, rubbing his eyes.

“Y’ know, I told Dr. Sanders about you. Mentioned you a couple of times, actually.” Remus swiveled his head, a smoking hand touching Virgil’s face, causing almost no sensation. He shuddered anyway.

“You. Did. What?” The beast growled demandingly. The anger in Remus’s tone made it sound like he could if he so desired, tear him apart limb from limb. The idea didn’t scare Virgil like it should’ve. He was long past that point; Virgil hadn’t been afraid of Remus for years now.

“Fucking relax, dude. It doesn’t matter anyway. He didn’t believe me… thought I was crazy…”

“Isn’t that why your mom sent you to him in the first place? Because you’d gone crazy?” Virgil stuttered.

“I – I was never –.”

“Shh,” Remus cooed, though his voice was hardly capable of affection, “I know you aren’t. They don’t believe you, Virgil. They don’t know you like I do. Who are they to tell you what you need?”

“Y-yeah,” Virgil’s voice crackled in agreement.

“Do you want me to… take care of things? Right this wrong?” Virgil had been hoping Remus would suggest just the thing that could dull his pain.

“I mean, if you wanna,” he said as casually as he could manage, though he knew the creature was never one to turn down such an offer.

“Of course,” Remus said with a manic grin. He rose from the bed and turned to Virgil, his black hole of a mouth now boasting several rows of inky-black razor-sharp fangs. “You know I hate to skip out on a meal.”

Remus smiled, and Virgil smiled back, feeling the first bit of contentment in a long while.

“You want me to bring you back a trophy this time?” Remus asked giddily, “I know how much you like those.” Virgil thought about it for a moment, before shaking his head.

“Nah, I’m good.” He had enough of those as it was, considering how much Remus enjoyed giving “gifts” of that nature. At first, it had been a bit like a cat dropping a bird at his feet, but by now, Virgil had grown used to it enough for him to recognizes it as some sick token of affection. It didn’t gross him out like it used to, in fact, it was kind of sweet, in a twisted way.

“Suit yourself, emo,” he said with a shrug, “I’ll be back in a bit.” Remus pulled open the window, slinking outside into the night, becoming nearly invisible against the black sky.

“I know you will,” Virgil said, still smiling. Remus was already gone.

Virgil was a very troubled person and had been since childhood. He didn’t have many people he was close to, only one, actually, though no one believed him to be real. But Remus was unlike all of the other horrid people Virgil had left behind.

There was a time not long ago when Virgil had been terrified of Remus, fearing the sounds of his claws scratching against his bedpost, the sharpness of his fangs, the scent of his breath just after a kill. But with time, Remus’s strangeness became far less odd, and something Virgil found himself taking comfort in, against his will. He found solace in those emerald eyes, emotionless and bright. He found relief in embraces featherlight and inky black, and for the first time in so long, he found someone to trust.

When push came to shove, Remus would always be there for him. He was someone who could take away all the cruel, vicious individuals who’d been his tormenters for so long. His mother. His father. His therapist. Even strangers who’d been unkind to him on occasion. Virgil could count on Remus to make the pain subside, knowing he’d never find a better companion.

Virgil was unlike most. Instead of hiding from the monster in his closet, he had grown to embrace him.

=+= 

[simmonsofshield]

The Last Thing

Pairings: Y/N Stacy & Peter Parker

Summary: Peter is not dealing with his friend’s death very well. Loosely based on true and personal events.

Words: ~2900

Warnings: Mentions of death. Yelling. Blaming.

A/N:  AU, Peter and Gwen are friends. Y/N is Gwen’s older sister. Gwen is an Avenger and has been in all the fights instead of Peter. This is for @jbbarnesnnoble​​‘s mental health awareness challenge. I chose “How do you even begin to move on?” It won’t be a quote, but it’ll be in bold. Takes place after Endgame.

Dear Peter,

I’m not going to beat around the bush. I’ve never been known to anyways. If you’re reading this, that means I’m either dead or in some sort of close-to-death coma, probably the former.

I’m writing this the day before I leave for Berlin. Sorry I didn’t tell you about it but Tony Stark came to me so I’m assuming it has to stay on the DL. Yeah, you read that right. Tony freaking Stark! He hasn’t told me much but I’m assuming some sort of drama with the Accords. Why he came to me and not you, I’m not sure. Maybe just because I go out more and there’s more youtube videos of me than you. Or maybe he didn’t want the “friendly neighborhood Spiderman.” He wanted someone tougher. Haha just kidding.

Anywho... back to the reason for this letter. I want you to take my place. Queens still needs someone to take care of it, and since I’m no longer around, it’s gotta be you. We were both in that lab and got bit by those radioactive spiders. Who thought making spiders radioactive was a good idea anyways? We went through all the weird hardships with these new powers together and managed without anyone finding out….except my sister. (and apparently Tony Stark.)

Speaking of Y/N, I’m putting her in your care. You are now responsible for her. I’m only kind of sorry. She’s the only one that knows about this letter.

Hopefully you don’t have to read this immediately following this impromptu trip to Berlin, or at all in 2016. Or, you know, ever. Hopefully I can grow old and retire SpiderGwen. Wait, those are two different things, let me rephrase that: hopefully I can stop saving the day around 25 and then retire when I’m old and wrinkly and burn this letter so you never have to even know it existed.

If you are reading this and made it this far, I want you to know that I believe in you. It is hard being a hero. Sometimes  you have to make tough decisions, but you’re a smart guy. I know you will be great. Better than me, probably.

You’re the best basically-brother I could ever ask for. Spiderman is destined for great things. I know it.

Gwen

Present day, May 2023

When it first happened - when half the universe was brought back - Y/N came looking for Peter immediately. After that first weird day back to school, she found him..and that was weird too. She used to only be one year older than him and Gwen, and now she was clearly 6 years older than him. She’d asked if he’d seen her in class, and he said no. She covered her mouth and started crying right there. It confused him at the time, but in hindsight, he realized she knew at that moment that Gwen was dead. Her family got the call from Nick Fury himself that night.

Besides the big bad, Thanos he thinks, there were only two casualties. “Only” two on the heroes side, when there’s usually zero. They were Gwen and Tony Stark. So not only did Peter lose his best friend, he lost his idol as well, and even though he never got to meet him, it still hurts. A little. He died bringing back the half of humanity that was blipped, a truly heroic act, but Gwen died so that that could happen. She’s hardly ever mentioned in news reports or anything.

It’s been almost two months. TWO.

Peter read the letter again. He did almost once a day. The fold creases were already very worn and the page had been stained with tears many times over. He still just couldn’t believe she was actually gone. Being brought back after getting blipped was enough to deal with but now his closest friend was dead. What was the most frustrating was that he didn’t know how. He wasn’t allowed to. SHIELD classified it and only the immediate family could know. You hadn’t told him everything, but you did say something about her getting caught in some crossfire. That’s all you were allowed to say.

He sat in the stairwell of his and Aunt May’s Queens apartment while he waited for you to arrive. He was zoned out thinking and didn’t even hear you come up the stairs.

“Peter?” he snapped back to reality and looked at you, eyes sad, “you ready?”

He nodded and stood up, shoving his hands in his shorts pockets. He trudged down the stairs and met you at the landing, then walking side by side down the rest to ground level. Exiting the complex, you put your arm around his shoulders walking the already too familiar route. What had happened was still fresh and you two had decided to visit Gwen’s grave once a week, tell her what had been going on, if anything.

The first few times were okay, but recently, Peter hadn’t been saying anything. He just kneels in front of her grave, head down, and cries. You really felt for the kid, you did. His parents died when he was 6, his uncle Ben 3 years ago (since he was blipped), and now his best friend-basically-sister. He’s only 16 and has dealt with more death than anyone at that age should. How do you even begin to move on? The gaps are big, but that doesn’t make any of them hurt less. Especially when they’re all family.

After a few minutes of silent sobs, you place your hand on his shoulder. He stands up and steps aside, so you can have your time. You look at him and give him a soft smile of thanks. He looks at you for a millisecond before looking back at the ground, wiping away stray tears.

You approach her gravestone, putting your hand on it, brushing your fingers along it and tracing the letters of her name. You speak softly, as if just to her. “Gwenny, I need help. Your help. This has been hard on Peter. You were his best friend and now he just seems like a lost puppy without you around. I know he has Ned and MJ, but a big chunk of him is missing without you here,” you cough out a sob, “I just want the old Petey back. I don’t expect it tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but I need it. I want some sort of normalcy back in my life,” your next sob comes out with a little bit of a laugh, “look at me, talking to a grave like I’m talking to an actual human. You’d totally give me crap for this.” you sigh, “It’s just-- being six years older than him now instead of just one makes it hard. We’re in such different places in our lives. He just finished his freshman year of high school, and I’m in college now...” you trail off, forgetting where you were going with it. Standing up, you give one last tap to the gravestone. “Bring him back. Oh-” You dig in your purse and pull out a charm bracelet. You crouch back down and lay it right next to the base where the grass is a little bit taller. You wear an identical one. “Mom and dad are doing fine..well, as well as you could expect. There are some rough nights, but we’re managing.”

Emotions were still running high at home. You’d lost your sister, and your parents, their youngest child. There was a lot of fighting and blaming, despite heroism being Gwen’s choice. She’d told you once that she’d been given the powers for a reason. If bad things happened and she did nothing, it was basically her fault. You never really agreed with the sentiment, but she insisted and went on helping out the people of Queens, eventually roping Peter into it.

A lot of the time the blame fell on you, your father wondering why you weren’t with Gwen and Peter the day they got bit. You take it, as it’s his way of mourning and relieving his anger. He’s looking for answers that he’ll never get. Your mom is mostly silent, save for the fights. You two usually end up drinking a bottle or two of wine before tottling off to bed, drowning your sorrows.

The walk back is silent, as usual. You were both mourning and it was always emotionally draining after a visit and hard to make conversation. You’re about 2/3 of the way back before you decide to try. “I, uh, noticed you had the letter in the stairwell.” You feel a shift and see as his hand goes to his pocket. “Pete, why?” You sigh, not in disappointment, mostly in exhaustion but a little bit of curiosity too.

He looks down, an exhale coming from his nose, “It’s the last thing I have of her.”

You let out a soft gasp. That hadn’t even crossed your mind, it was the last physical thing Gwen had touched and given - by way of you - to him. “Oh, Petey.” You run your fingers through his hair a few times before letting your arm rest limply over his shoulders. He pushes it off, stopping in his tracks and looks at you with an expression you don’t recognize. He mumbles something and you stop waking as well, leaning forward a little. “Peter?”

“Tony did this.”

“To-”

“Tony Stark! He’s the one who recruited her. He’s the one that put her on this path.” he paces back and forth in anger. “If it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t be a part of the Avengers and she wouldn’t be dead.”

“Peter...” you know what he’s doing. In fact, you went through and did the same thing just a couple weeks ago. “You know he’s not to blame. She’s the one who wanted to help the community, just like you,” you reasoned, “it was only a matter of time before she caught the eye of the Avengers.”

He ignored you, turning on his heels. “I need to talk to him.”

“Y-you can’t. Peter..” you stand there, stunned for a moment, “Peter.” you call out. He doesn’t respond and you quickly move from your place on the sidewalk and jog a little to try to catch up. You forgot how quickly he could walk when he was on a mission. “Peter!”

“What?!” he turns around, fire in his eyes. You actually cower a little, never hearing this tone come out of his mouth before.

“Uhm..” your voice is meek at first as you try to figure out what to say and recover from the surprise his outburst gave you, “you can’t go talk to Tony.”

“And why not?”

“He,” you swallow the lump in your throat, speaking softly not out of fear now, but to bring down the information as delicately as you could, “he died that night too. Remember?”

He blinks and there seems to be a flicker of remembrance and realization. It quickly changes back to anger and he looks you dead in the eyes, pointing. “Then it’s your fault!”

“W-what?”

“Yeah. You’re the one that let her go to Berlin. She would’ve listened to you. If you had told her no, she wouldn’t have gone. It’s your fault!” he continues pointing his finger at you, his voice rising as he talked. You hadn’t even realized you were moving until you were suddenly backed into the wall of a corner store, or maybe a restaurant, you didn’t really take the time to figure out where you were on the street.

You could feel your breath beginning to shallow the more he talked. You had no idea what was going to happen, and with him being enhanced, he was unpredictable. “Peter...” was all you could muster up, hoping just saying his name would somehow take him out of this trance he was in. It didn’t work and if you hadn’t looked down to look away from his face, you wouldn’t have noticed his other hand beginning to ball into a fist. Your eyes widened and you looked back at him, tears threatening to fall. “Peter, please.”

It didn’t phase him. “It’s your fault!” he yells and you see his fist rise and you dodge out of the way in the nick of time, now in a crouched position.

You hear his fist connect with the wall, “Fuck!” Under different circumstances, you’d be surprised and sarcastically scold him because you’ve never heard him swear, ever. At the moment though, you’re now seated against the wall, breathing hard and tears falling silently.

“Y/N?” He crouches down and puts a hand on your shoulder, which you slink away from. At this point, as if it were a movie, mother nature decided it had to rain. All you hear is the soft pattering of the rain on the sidewalk for a moment before you hear some soft whimpering. You look around, and see a few feet from you, Peter sitting and hugging his knees, head down.  

You stand up, and walk over to him, not announcing your presence in any way, and sit next to him. Taking his hand in yours, you begin inspecting his knuckles. “You’re lucky you have super strength. Otherwise that wall would have done a number on your hand. More than just some scratches and it looks like probably some bruising.” The only reply you get is some breathy sobs. “Okay,” keeping his hand in yours, you stand up and urge him up too, “let’s get you home.”

He doesn’t argue and slowly begins to walk home, with your aid. Your arm is once again around his shoulders and he doesn’t push it away this time. The whole walk back is silent, as expected. The both of you now more tired than before, physically and emotionally.

When you arrive back at Peter’s apartment, you enter, May leaving it unlocked. She’s on the couch watching tv. She turns around with a smile to greet you guys, but it quickly turns to a frown when she sees the state the two of you are in. You see her mouth open about to ask a question and you shake your head. She closes it and stands, walking over to Peter’s bedroom door and opening it for the two of you. You nod a thank you and walk in.

Peter still seems to be in a daze when you sit him down at his desk. You scan his room looking for a towel, seeing clothes and books strewn about, assuming he ‘lost’ his backpack again. “Well, I see you have a project for tomorrow,” you try to joke, despite the fact that you began picking up his clothes and putting them in the hamper in his closet. You hear a soft hmm? and look over at him. He’s looking at you, eyes red but only a little puffy.

You finally find his bath towel, halfway under his bed. Picking it up, you shake it a couple times to get any dust bunnies off and walk over to him. You can feel his eyes on you as you dry the rain off his arms and legs, but you continue. You dab off his neck and rub his hair a few times, getting as much off as you can before moving to his face. He jerks away and wipes his forehead with his arm before looking at you, as if studying you. You sit back a little, unsure, wondering what he’s going to do.

He takes a deep breath like he’s trying to gather the courage to speak to you. It takes a couple more seconds before he does. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh Peter,” you coo softly, “it’s okay.”

He slaps his hand on his desk, “No it’s not!” seeing you jump, he realized what he did, “s-sorry.” he says barely above a whisper.

“It’s not,” you agree, “but you’re mourning. I’m going through the same thing at home. You know this. I can take a few angry words.”

“But I blamed you, tried to hurt you.”

You nod, “I will admit I was a little scared when you tried to hit me,” he looks down, scared to make eye contact, “but,” you use your finger to lift his chin, “I got out of the way and you didn’t. Guess I gotta thank Gwen for taking me to some of those self defense classes so I could help her train.” You say the last part with a smile.

For what you’re pretty sure is the first time that night, Peter smiles too. You use your hand and wipe away the remaining tears on his face. “There he is.”

You get up on your knees, about to stand up, when he pulls you into a hug. You let out at squeak of surprise but quickly melt into it. Then, you suddenly begin to cry.

“Y/N?” he doesn’t pull out of the hug but you can hear the concern in his voice.

You sniffle and wipe away your tears, letting out a kind of cry-laugh. “I’m just glad, that at least for tonight, you’re back to the Peter that I know. I’ve missed your smile.” You feel him hug you a little tighter.

For Avory

[banditthewriter]

Redolence - Billy Russo - 6

Final part of this A/B/O series. This has been an amazing short journey and I am so grateful to everyone who has read, commented, reblogged, liked, or messaged about it. This my favorite story I’ve written so far, so thank you for letting me share it.

Reminder, I use a comprehensive set of warnings so please be mindful. If you have questions or concerns, shoot me a message!

Redolence: the quality of smelling strongly of something or of having qualities (especially smells) that make you think of something else

Warnings: Smut. No really, lots of smut. Also angst because yeah. Sex in various positions. Oral sex (male and female receiving.) The reader does sleep with other Alphas but it is only ever mentioned, never described. Some talk of slave trade, not detailed. Angry sex. Unprotected sex. Reader experiences a bad panic attack that is described.

Tags are at the bottom. Let me know if you would like to be added to one of my tag lists!

*gif is mine*

Enjoy!

*****

The touchscreen near the door chimed and you winced. Your head was killing you as if you had been drinking for days but you had just been crying. 

It had been almost a week since you’d last seen Billy. You had denied a request from an Alpha in that time frame but you knew you needed to get back to work. So with that in mind you went to the touchscreen and turned it on. 

It was a woman, Laura, and that was all you needed to see before you accepted the Alpha. It was a few days away, but it was a step in the right direction. At least this way you could tell yourself that you were trying.

Your phone sat untouched on the counter. You had missed calls from Karen and you knew you’d need to respond at some point before she tried to break into the center to find you, but you just couldn’t handle it yet. 

She would hear it in your voice and you were incapable of lying to her. You’d tell her that not only were you in love with that Alpha you had told you about but that you broke your own heart by telling him you wouldn’t be his companion anymore.

You’d also tell her about what happened at his place and that was just opening up a can of worms you didn’t have the time or energy for.

Another reason you hadn’t touched your phone was because you were honestly worried you might try to contact Billy. After what had happened when he dropped you off, you doubted he’d want that. And it wouldn’t be a good idea. 

The clothes he had let you wear home were in a vacuum sealed bag in your closet. Every now and then you opened it up to catch his scent and felt even more guilty. It was like you were stealing memories.

Billy’s rut was coming up. You kept away from the computer so that you couldn’t look him up and see if any Omegas had left a comment regarding spending his rut with them. You didn’t want to know who he picked after you. You didn’t want to think about him with someone else.

You just couldn’t. It would break you and you wouldn’t be able to function. 

Instead you curled up on the couch with a blanket around you. You missed Billy but you needed to move on.

------

The sheets were changed, toiletries were laid out, and food was waiting. You paced back and forth in your living room as if you couldn’t stop moving.

When the door chimed, you almost smacked into it in your rush to check the touchscreen. After you checked that the woman on the other side was Laura, you opened the door to let her in.

“Make yourself at home,” you said as you opened the door wider for her to walk in.

Laura started to step in but she stopped, her nose wrinkling. You watched as she took a long sniff and start to shake her head.

“I’m really sorry, this isn’t going to work,” she said as she frowned, her eyes meeting yours. “I respect an Omega’s choice of work, but I refuse to sleep with a mated Omega.”

You had a lot of emotions at once at that, but you pushed them down. Instead you quickly shook your head and stepped a little closer to her.

“I’m not mated, really,” you started but she let out a laugh.

“Honey, you’re so mated that I smelled it in the hallway. I just didn’t realize it was you.”

You gave a discrete sniff of your shirt and then looked back at Laura. She wasn’t frowning anymore, but you could see the confusion on her face. You were glad you weren’t the only confused one.

“I mean, there was a guy, but we didn’t… we didn’t do the mating ritual.” You would have remembered that. “And I’ve… I’ve had other Alphas and none of them ever said...”

Laura sighed. She didn’t shut the door, but she did take your hand.

“This isn’t a regular mating scent so most Alphas wouldn’t have really noticed. They may have noticed that you didn’t smell exactly like your scent receptor down in the choosing room, but they probably didn’t think anything of it.” She squeezed your hand and gave you a comforting smile. “I’ve been around True Mates my whole life so I know the scent a mile away. It’s the same scent my parents have.”

You opened your mouth and then immediately shut it. Then you tried again but no words would come out.

Laura laughed. She reached into her purse and pulled out an old receipt and a pen. She wrote something down and handed it to you.

“I’d stay and talk to you tonight, but my rut is coming so I need to get back down to the choosing room and pick another one. Here’s my number though. Call me tomorrow afternoon and we can meet up for lunch, okay?” 

She squeezed your hand and gave you a beautiful smile.

“It’s going to be okay honey, I promise.”

With that she turned and walked out of the apartment. You shut the door and looked down at the receipt for a long moment. Then you contacted the Betas in the choosing room so they’d know the Alpha had rejected you. You didn’t tell them why and you doubted she would either.

You settled onto your couch, hands shaking as you pulled your knees up to your chin. It was doubtful that your True Mate was anyone but Billy. If she was right—and why would she lie—it explained so much.

It explained why you felt different about him from day one. It explained why you could never stop thinking about him. It may even explain why you’d felt so drained lately unless you were with him. It explained why you wanted him more than you’d ever wanted anything before. And why you were such an emotional mess when it came to him.

It still did not absolve the fact that you didn’t feel like you were good enough for him. Just because you were True Mates didn’t mean that you would have to be together, right? Because if you were True Mates, he would be feeling these things as well and that hadn’t changed how he acted. 

You felt so lost and you couldn’t wait until tomorrow when you could call Laura and get more information about it. You had a feeling you’d need it.

------

“Your scent isn’t as repulsive when I’m not in my rut,” Laura said as she sat down across from you at the small diner the two of you ended up at. “Hope you got some sleep last night although I doubt you did.”

You smiled as you pulled your cup of coffee closer to you.

“Is it because I look like death? Because I feel like death.”

Laura smiled and ordered her own drink. Once it was delivered, she took a long sip before she looked at you.

“You probably have questions. Go ahead and ask.”

You sat up a little straighter. You’d been up most of the night thinking this through so you did have questions. Hopefully you didn’t forget anything.

You really should have written them down.

“Is this why I’ve been feeling so run down lately?”

She nodded and propped her arms onto the table as she met your gaze.

“True Mates have the added benefit of their bodies wanting to get the actual mating done as soon as possible so this is your body telling you to get a move on. How long have you known this person?”

You winced as you leaned back in your seat.

“Few months.”

She let out a whistle through her teeth. Then she shrugged her shoulder.

“It can be mistaken as a lot of things so it’s not unusual I guess. Especially if you don’t know the signs.”

That wasn’t on your list, but it did make you curious. You asked her what the signs were and watched as she made a mental list in her head before she started talking.

“You feel connected to them almost instantly. Your body reacts to them immediately. The sex is usually fantastic,” she said with a grimace. “Things I didn’t need to know about my parents honestly.”

You laughed at that and settled into your seat a little more.

“You said there’s a different scent right? And it’s just so uncommon that no one would recognize it?”

“Yeah, True Mates aren’t really something you see a lot of these days. Most people honestly think they are a myth if that tells you anything. But because I grew up with them, I can smell it all over you. Honestly I couldn’t tell that you weren’t actually mated with him because it’s so strong.”

You wondered if that had anything to do with the fact that you and Billy had slept together just over a week before, but you weren’t about to ask that. Plus you didn’t need to know anyone else what you had done outside of the center’s walls.

“Does it feel the same for Omegas and Alphas? Is he… does he feel like this too?”

It was a question that you knew you needed to ask. You needed to know if he was going through the same hell that you were.

The look on her face said that you weren’t going to like the answer.

“Being True Mates doesn’t mean that it’s a match made in heaven, it just means that you are ultimately compatible. There are plenty of True Mates who can’t stand each other or who just never fell in love. So physically he’ll feel like you, but like you he might just think he’s not feeling well. Emotionally? Well, to each their own.”

So that wasn’t the answer you wanted, but at least you had the truth now. It didn’t exactly make you feel better to know that Billy was feeling as run down as you were, but it also didn’t answer you question of whether or not he cared about you too.

What did it matter? It didn’t matter if you were True Mates; you still weren’t going to be good enough for him.

“Does it… does it ever go away? If we don’t mate, will it just fade with time?”

She gave you a sad smile.

“No, it doesn’t,” she said softly. “And those pesky feelings you have for him that aren’t part of the True Mate thing? Those don’t really go away on their own either. If you want to get over him, that’s a possibility, but it takes a lot of time and some effort.”

You propped your chin up on your hand as you stared out of the window. Even without the True Mate thing, you didn’t think you’d ever be able to get over Billy. You fell in love and you’d fallen hard.

“Should I tell him? About… it affects him too, right?”

Laura shrugged her shoulder and leaned back in her chair.

“That’s up to you. Someone may tell him down the road, that’s always a possibility, but it just depends on what you want. And honestly if you tell him that you’re True Mates, you should probably tell him how you feel. Not really a better time than that.”

You wiped a hand over your face and sighed.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

------

You draped the blanket over your couch and sighed. You were exhausted and really needed a nap, but it was barely noon. As you stepped over a box in the floor, you headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Mid-sip, you heard your cell phone buzz on the charger. 

“Coming, coming,” you mumbled as you made your way across the living room to grab the phone. It was probably Karen wanting to check on you.

Instead you found yourself looking at Billy’s name. You had never deleted him out of your phone despite knowing that you should. And you were glad you hadn’t, but you weren’t prepared to talk to him.

The screen stopped flashing and turned dark. Your shoulders sagged in disappointment. After a long moment where the phone didn’t buzz to say that you had a voicemail, you started to turn away. But the phone started up again.

His name was flashing on the screen. You picked up the phone and let your finger hover over the button to accept the call. And as it rang on more, you realized it was going to end again. 

Maybe he wouldn’t call back this time.

Without thinking, you accepted the call and put the phone to your ear.

“Hello?”

“What the fuck happened? Where are you?”

Did he have to sound so angry? You had missed him so much over these last couple of weeks and hearing his voice now was wonderful. You just wished he didn’t sound so angry.

“What do you mean?”

You heard him let out a huff.

“I called the center when my rut came up. When I asked about you, they said you weren’t there anymore. Is it because what happened with us?”

You settled down on the edge of the couch, your fingers rubbing over your knee.

“You said you wouldn’t ask for me again.”

“Goddammit Y/N that’s not the point! What happened? Where are you?”

You looked around your new apartment and sighed.

“I left the center. I got my own place in the city.”

There was nothing but silence on the line. You wondered if you had somehow lost service, but then you heard him swear.

“Is this because what happened? Between the two of us? Fuck, you didn’t have to tell them what happened.”

You swallowed and stretched your legs out, feeling the urge to pace. There were a few too many boxes in your apartment for that to be a good idea though so you stayed put. The restless energy would disappear over time.

“I didn’t tell them. I just left because… because it was time.”

It hadn’t been something you ever thought you’d do, but you felt good for having done it. You had more than enough money to the point where you probably would never have to work if you didn’t want to, but you were still looking for a job. You weren’t ashamed of your time as a companion at the center, but you had to admit to being happy to being out of there.

No more Alphas, no more routines, no more… wishing every person you were with was Billy.

“What… what are you going to do now?”

You shrugged your shoulders even though he couldn’t see you.

“I don’t know yet. I’ll figure it out as I go.”

And you would. That was the only part that kept you relaxed as your whole life was tilted upside down.

There was silence on the other line for a while but you could hear him breathing. 

“If you’re not protected by the center, who is protecting you? Are you… did you find someone to claim you?”

Did his voice have to waver as he asked that? It wasn’t fair and it made you think of impossible things.

“My best friend’s mate gave a temporary claim on me until I find a job.”

You weren’t going to ask for it but the moment Karen heard you were leaving, she had jumped at the chance. She told you that Frank would claim you until you found a job or decided what else you wanted to do. Now you wore an ID tag with his information on it. It did make you feel a little bit like a dog, but you didn’t mind. 

It was temporary. You just had to keep telling yourself that.

“I’m glad you’re doing okay. And I hope this works out for you.”

You could feel tears welling up in your eyes. His voice was so soft and caring that it felt like you had been transported to a month ago, before everything went to hell. You wiped at the tears uselessly and gave a little laugh.

“I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me after…”

Billy let out a sigh on the other side of the call.

“I shouldn’t have said those things. I was pissed off and confused and… I never should have talked to you like that. I just couldn’t figure out why you were doing that. Still not sure why you did it.”

You took a deep breath and let it out quietly. You weren’t going to do this. You had made the decision when you decided to leave that you weren’t going to reach out to Billy and tell him about the True Mates thing. But hearing his voice right now was making you rethink that decision.

“Could we… meet for coffee or something? I have your clothes and I, well, I want to explain.”

You held your breath as you waited for his response.

“There’s a coffee shop just down from my apartment. Today?”

You were in no way ready for this but there wasn’t another option. You needed to tell Billy not only why you had tried to put distance between the two of you, but why both of you were feeling the way you were. He needed to know. 

He deserved that.

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there in an hour.”

------

“I can’t do this,” you said into your phone as you walked down the street towards the coffee shop Billy had told you about. “I can’t go meet him and tell him how I feel. I can’t… I can’t tell him the truth.”

Karen sighed on the other side of the call.

“You have to though. And I still can’t believe you never told me that you had a True Mate. Do you realize how big that is? I tell you everything about me and Frank–”

“Including the things I ask you not to tell me,” you cut in with a grin.

“–and you couldn’t tell me something as big as this? I don’t even know the guy’s name.”

You could see the coffee shop in the distance and it made your stomach flip.

“I’ll tell you all about it once this is over. I’m almost there so I can’t chicken out now.”

Karen let out a soft laugh, but you knew she wasn’t laughing at you. Then you heard her murmur something to Frank in the background.

“I’ve gotta go help Frank with something. He said one of his buddies is calling him freaking out about something. Call me when you’re done?”

You promised her you would and then stopped on the corner close to the coffee shop. Once you were in there and this conversation was had, it would be over. One way or another, it would be over.

In the distance you saw Billy getting out of his car. He was on the phone so you took the moment to look him over. He looked good, even from this far away. His hair was styled and he was wearing a suit. Had he just come from work? You were so used to seeing him in jeans and a t-shirt or sweater.

Or those grey sweats. You weren’t proud of it but you had thought about them a lot.

He must have ended the call because he slid the phone into his pocket. Then he turned as if he was looking around. You knew the moment he saw you because it felt like he was physically touching you. Even from this distance, his eyes held a power over you that you couldn’t explain.

Except you could explain it now. 

With a deep breath, you made it across the street and over to the coffee shop. The quicker you got through this, the quicker it would be done.

And you needed it to be done soon.

“Hey,” you said as soon as you stood in front of him. 

He looked you up and down and you tried not to think about what he was looking at. Or what he was looking for. He jerked his head at the shop door and you gave him a nod before you followed him. He opened the door and held it open for you, his hand out as if he was going to guide you in with his hand on the small of your back.

Instead he dropped it to his side and turned to look away from you.

No one said it was going to be easy.

He led you into the coffee shop and up to the counter. You both ordered your drinks but when you pulled out your wallet, you saw that Billy had already handed over his card to pay for them. You tried to offer to pay him back, but he just jerked his head over towards the tables.

“Pick a table. I’ll bring your drink when it’s done.”

You hesitated only for a moment before you moved over to a table in the corner of the room. It was tucked far enough away that no one would be able to overhear you pouring your heart out. You stared down at the cracked and peeling polish on the wooden table until your drink was put down in front of you. Then Billy sat down in the seat across from you.

You needed to start the conversation, tell him the truth and get it out there before you went crazy, but you couldn’t find the words. Even all of the things you practiced on your walk over here seemed unable to come out as you stared at Billy’s hands as he prepared his coffee. 

You remembered making coffee for him after his ruts. You knew how he liked to take it, how he didn’t care if it was too hot or not. The smell of coffee alone made you think of Billy.

After today, that would be doubly true.

“You said you wanted to explain,” Billy reminded you as he put his cup back down on the table. 

First you pushed the paper bag you had next to your chair over towards his side of the table. It was the clothes he had given you to wear that day in his apartment. You had finally broken down and washed them, losing his scent as you did. And now they were tucked into the bag, folded neatly and carefully. 

He just picked the bag up and dropped it beside his chair. Your hands shook as you reached out for your drink, but you didn’t take a sip. 

“I’m going to tell you this but I want you to know that I’m not expecting anything from you regarding it. And that I don’t… I don’t want you to say anything until I get this all out because if I don’t do it at once, I don’t think I’ll be able to get it all out.”

Billy looked surprised and then concerned, but he nodded. You swallowed thickly before you began.

“From the first... first meeting, I thought something was different. I wasn’t sure why, but I couldn’t help… I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And it just got worse. I was also feeling… rundown a lot. Except when I was with you. I didn’t think anything about it at first but I found out why.” You swallowed again and curled your hands into fists. “Apparently you and I are True Mates.”

Jesus that was way past ripping off the bandaid. That felt more like you had tried to remove the bandaid with a grenade.

Billy blinked at you a few times, his face expressionless. Then he cleared his throat and leaned forward. You waited to see if he would speak, but he waved his hand as if to ask you to continue.

You had asked him to let you get it all out and he was letting you.

“Okay. So, there’s that. And then there’s… what you and I did at your place. I meant it when I said that… when I said that a companion can’t do that stuff, because we can’t. And I was really messed up about it because it goes against everything that I’ve been taught, but I also… god, I wanted it so bad. And that’s… it’s because of the True Mates, I guess, but it’s also... “

You weren’t sure you could say the words. Your face felt hot and you realized that you couldn’t see Billy anymore. You’d shut your eyes, but it wasn’t stopping the tears from starting to slip down your cheeks.

“It’s also because I love you. I fell in love with you, even without the True Mates bond, but because you’re… you’re so amazing and handsome and, just perfect, and I feel—felt more like myself with you. I felt like I could take on the world. And I knew that it wouldn’t work with us because you’re, well you’re you and I’m a companion, just… I sleep with Alphas in their ruts and you deserve better than that. So I needed to put distance between us or else I’d just… keep hurting. And I didn’t want to put you in that position.”

You took a deep breath and brushed the tears from your eyes before you looked at him. His neutral expression was still there, but his eyes were narrowed. It reminded you of the look in the car right before he told you to get out.

“That’s it, that’s everything. We’re apparently True Mates, I love you, and I know you don’t… you can’t see me like that. So I’m sorry for the way I handled things, but it’s over now. Now you know and I’m not your companion anymore so you can…”

You can find someone else for your ruts, you started to say, but you remembered what he had said when he had called you. He had called the center for his rut and had asked for you, despite saying he wouldn’t. He didn’t smell like his rut, so he must have called you after it was over.

He’d already slept with someone else. You weren’t sure why that hurt considering what your job had been, but the thought of him with someone else? His hands on their skin, his mouth on theirs? His scent on them?

You shot out of your seat, the legs scraping against the floor loudly. You wiped at your face again, unable to meet his eyes as you reached down to pick up the purse you had dropped.

“I’m so sorry Billy, but you won’t have to see me again. I’m so sorry.”

With that you hurried through the shop and to the door. Out in the open air, you took a few deep breaths to keep the panic away. 

You’d been an idiot. Even though you went into this saying that you were just going to tell him the truth and let it be, you had apparently gone into it with some hope that it wouldn’t end that way. Some fantasy had crept in that Billy would hear all of this and declare that not only was he not mad, but that he loved you too. 

You pressed your hand to your chest in an effort to calm your panicked breathing, but it wasn’t helping. You hunched down on the sidewalk, your hand on the brick of the building. People walked by without care as you shook and sobbed, unable to breathe.

Hands were on your face, a calm voice that asked you to breathe. You couldn’t, couldn’t even try, but the voice didn’t stop. It told you that it was okay, to breathe, to keep listening to it. You tried to focus, tried to… tried…

Something shifted in your chest. No, not your chest. You were shifted. You were pulled into someone’s arms and the world was moving, but you couldn’t tell what was up. There was so much light but everything was dark, it didn’t make sense. Then you were sitting, something soft under you. 

Still the hands were there, on your face and on your arms. The voice kept up a steady stream of words until you could focus more on them.

“I’m right here, focus on my voice. Come on, breathe in for me baby, let it out. Keep doing that, you’re doing good.”

You blinked a few times to clear your vision, the tears stinging your eyes as they fell. Right around the time that your vision cleared up enough to realize that Billy was crouched down beside you, you also realized that you were surrounded by his scent. The scent of him penetrated the wall of haze in your head and suddenly you were clearer.

You’d had a panic attack, something you hadn’t had since high school. He must have carried you to his car because you were crumpled up in the passenger seat and he was kneeling outside with the door open, his hands on your face and brushing against your shoulders and arms. He was still talking, still guiding your breaths, but you were better.

And then you were horrendously embarrassed. After everything you’d already told Billy today, now he was helping you through a panic attack? How pathetic were you?

“Don’t say that,” he said sternly, cluing you into the fact that you’d said at least part of that out loud. “You’re not pathetic. Panic attacks can happen to anyone. How are you feeling?”

How were you feeling? Your chest hurt, your skin felt too tight, your stomach had relocated to your left heel, and you were pretty sure that you were dehydrated now. 

“I’m okay,” you said with a shaky breath as you shifted in the seat. “I uh, I can go. I’m sorry, you didn’t have to–”

“Don’t apologize,” he said in a gruff voice as he stood up.

For what? There was so many things. You wiped at your face and then laughed as Billy held out his pocket square. You used it to wipe at your cheeks and eyes, glad that you hadn’t worn makeup to this meeting.

Your purse was on the floor next to your foot. You stared at it for a long moment as if you didn’t recognize it.

“I should go.”

Billy shook his head and looked down at you in the car. You grabbed your purse and stood up, but held on to the door for balance. When you tried to take a step away, Billy moved so that he could box you in. 

“No, see you walked away from me already once today. You’re gonna hear what I have to say now.”

Your back rested against the frame of the car, your hands shaking as you stared into his eyes. You could only imagine what he had to say.

“When did you find out about the True Mates thing?”

You sniffled, but you were unable to look away from him.

“After… after the last time we saw each other. Someone had been raised by True Mates and she recognized the scent that was on me apparently.”

He nodded.

“And being True Mates, is that why… you feel the way you do?”

At least he hadn’t grimaced when he’d said the words, but the pause wasn’t especially favorable.

“No. Being True Mates just means our bodies are compatible. What we… what I feel, it’s all me.”

Billy nodded. Then he looked away. Without having him stare into your eyes, you felt yourself shake a bit. You hadn’t thought that he’d want to know more about it. You hadn’t thought he’d want to know anything except how to make it stop. At least he would only have to worry about the physical effects. You would be stuck loving him until you died.

When he met your eyes again, they weren’t expressionless. In fact there was so much emotion in his eyes that your breath was taken away. It reminded you of how he looked down at you when you were in bed, the moment after he came as he stared into your eyes. There was so much there that you almost staggered backwards except the car was there.

“Who gives you the right to tell me what I deserve? Who gives you the right to decide that you’re not good enough for me?”

You shook your head, unsure how to put words together right then. Billy stepped closer to you until you could feel the warmth from his body.

“Jesus Y/N, I’ve been in love with you since that second time I went to the center. I didn’t kiss you because I was horny, I kissed you because I wanted you. And I came back to you after that because I didn’t want anyone else.”

Were your feet still on the ground? You felt like you were floating. You reached up and pressed your hand to your chest where you could feel your heart pounding. Was this real? Or had you passed out during your panic attack and this was some kind of dream?

“I couldn’t even have someone else help me through my rut this last time. Once I found out you weren’t there anymore, I just locked myself in my apartment until it passed. I don’t want anyone else but you because I fucking love you.”

You sagged, tears in your eyes for a different reason.

“Please don’t… don’t just say that. Don’t say that because you want to hurt me, please,” you begged as your hands shook.

You barely had time to get the words out before lips were pressed to yours. Billy wrapped one hand around the back of your neck to keep you close and angle the kiss. Your hands were clenched in the lapels of his jacket as you returned the kiss with equal fervor.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I love you so much, I don’t ever want to hurt you again,” he promised against your lips as he held you closer.

You believed him. With his hands in your hair and your lips pressed together, him whispering the words over and over with as much honesty and urgency as he held in him, you believed him.

He loved you. And both of you were still very emotional over what had happened, but it was going to get better. The two of you together would get better.

------

“Oh shit,” you heard someone say from the living room. 

You made your way that direction and then froze. Standing in the middle of your living room was Billy, Frank, and Karen. Karen looked surprised while Billy and Frank were laughing and… hugging?

“Why didn’t you tell me that your True Mate was Billy Russo? Jesus, that’s Frank’s best friend! He was at the official part of our mating ceremony.”

You looked among the three of them and started to laugh. Billy came over and wrapped his arm around your waist to hold you close, his lips brushing against your temple.

“More proof that it was meant to be,” he said before he leaned in to kiss you.

It definitely felt like that.

------

Pleasure rolled through your body as Billy licked up the length of your slit, his tongue circling around your clit over and over while you rolled your hips up into his face. His hands held your thighs open as he licked and sucked at you.

“Come on my Omega, I can feel that you’re close, come for me,” he said against your core, grinning when his words were enough to tip you over the edge. “Mm, tastes like sugar on my tongue.”

You swatted at his shoulder before you pulled him up and on top of you. He leaned over you and kissed you, the taste of yourself on his lips. You surged upwards against him, rubbing your aching pussy against his cock in desperation to get him inside you.

“C’mon Alpha, fuck me,” you begged as you scratched down his back.

He separated your thighs a little more before he took his cock in hand. After a few pumps, he put the head at your entrance and thrust inside easily. You swore and arched under him at the stretch, feeling so full and so good.

Then he started to thrust and you thought you were going to pass out.

He bent down and pressed his lips to the mated mark on your neck, running his tongue over the edge where his name was. Your hand reached up and pressed against the one he had on his neck, your thumb brushing over your name along the bottom.

“Mine,” he said with a smile as he gave another hard thrust, earning a moan from you. “And I’m yours.”

You nodded and surged up to kiss him, whining in his mouth as his thrusts became harder and faster. Without the scent of his rut or you mirroring him, the room was full of the scent of both of you. It smelled like lemongrass and eucalyptus, clean earthy smells that had followed you both around. And now you couldn’t even tell the difference in where your scent began and his ended.

If love had a scent, it would be this. You knew it deep in your bones.

You knew that whatever the world threw at the two of you, you would get through it together. You had been under Billy’s spell from day one, but now you knew he had been under your spell too. So much time had been wasted and the two of you had decided not to waste another moment.

X

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[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.