#ye hey look ship tag I never remember to use yeehaw

[heirsofdiscord]

My prayers always center on your face Paint away my soul to carry my feelings away I give birth to these wings to run away from love The angel's price is paid, I burn atop a bizarre plate, burn to nothingness

Tsukiru

[batarangsoundsdumb]

guess fucking what? my inbox is so fucking full right now i'm unloading all of this shit in one post.

For the 11th gotham memes: gothamites react to bruce being jacked in a tiktok he made with kids, like super yoked, ripped as hell

fucking hilarious thanks. i think i did it in one meme post, but i genuinely don't remember which one

i dunno which of the batfam would do this but one time i was sleeping over at a friends house and ended up on the floor bc the bed was so very small and i just stayed there because the rug was soft

that's a drunk jason move i don't know what to tell you

tim and jason are "i listen to pop punk" solidarity. whenever jason highjacks the batmobile theyll go on long ass car rides blaring mcr and paramore and then never talk about it again

as they should!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tim: no jason it's my turn using the aux cord i gotta put on my jams jason: don't you dare put on weird shit tim: don't worry, you're gonna love this *plays fearless (taylor's version)

hear me out hear me out, red hood stans 🤝 nightwing stans t h i g h s

holy shit yes.

SNL au: Bruce breaks character when pretending to superman and says something like "I'm not superman! You've seen his gps!! It's from 2001!!!" @sabeanybabe

superman flies past the snl building the next day just to say 'actually it's from 2005, i'm not a heathen'

does your back hurt from carrying the batfam fandom

it hurts more from the exotic rock collection i keep in my backpack, but thanks for the concern.

I love your posts by why would you always leave the best parts in the tags?

as a treat for the people that check the tags ;) (and also because i'm committed to the short post aesthetic)

somehow your playlist was everything i never knew i needed. i mean it. this is my new favorite playlist.

and don't you dare get a new favourite playlist!

babe ur stoner tim playlist is exactly too perfect, earth is literally blessed by ur existence

babe thanks so much! i love my stoner tim playlist because it's just my usual playlist but people think it's an artistic choice that i put taylor swift and britney spears in there, when it's just what i unironically like listening to

JANDKSKDK BILLY RAY CYRUS ON THE STONER TIM PLAYLIST I LOVE IT IT

again it's not even an ironic choice, i know every single word and i genuinely like the song

The last chapter of Fundamentals of Casework has me crying at work. Thanks I love it @dudelookitsalesbian

oh babe, i'm sorry, but also, not sorry i love chapter 4 so much it's my lovechild with the 'mental illness' tag

soooo....stumbled on your tumblr by some stroke of fate??? read your DC fanfic first. which is PHENOMENAL btw. then found all the batmemes; the funniest thing EVER bc everyone forgets about regular old gothamites. kept scrolling and your blog pops up as recommended. clicked on the ao3 for shits and giggles and waddaya know?!?!? it's YOU!!! you're LEGEND!!!! ever seen that meme? it's a video of a cat that got into a baseball field and the two announcers get really invested in his escape attempt and start giving a play by play of the cat instead of the game. memeable moment: "GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!"

i seriously think about this ask every single day and it's so fucking funny to me that i've never seen the meme you're referencing, but i still find myself going 'GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!' whenever i see something funny. but wow i'm glad you liked this steaming pile of garbage

Fav dc character overall? And fav batfamily character?

don't ask me to pick between the loves of my life, but i can tell you i've cried about every single batfamily member and also wally west (my beloved)

What's your opinion on fans having a problem with batfam being "too big"? And some even claim that batfam is just "Bruce Alfred Dick Damian" and the rest of them are just "friends and allies" (source: reddit) Personally, I like batfam because of this reason but idk

stupid. a family can never be too big. i'm not that big a fan of like huge batfam stuff with everybody from every single universe, because as much as it's funny for bruce to have like 30 kids, it just feels a little too OOC for me.

This is the best tag I've seen involving the batfam, thanks for thinking of it

This is canon now @nctxrejects

lmao yeah i think at that point alfred has had to sit through like at least a dozen coming out talks and just has a pride flag collection in the attic that he pulls out whenever a kid comes out

idk why batfam hits different as compared to any other superhero family

bc it's found family and usually the other superhero families are almost all genetically related in one way or another

I don't know if you watch the umbrella academy but I saw your last post about batcest and saw the similarities. But the thing is (although I think it's weird) in TUA, they addressed it by saying "they were raised as weapons, not siblings" or something along those lines, which is simply not the case with batfam.

yeah i watched tua but i also thought it was ridiculous and they still treated each other as siblings so i didn't like the luthor/allison thing, and am glad they stopped doing that shit bc it fucking sucked.

Hot take: Batcest shippers are the same people who believe adopted siblings are not actual siblings

smoking hot take: batcest shippers are the people who watch 'my sister got stuck in the washing machine' porn

Duke was adopted by Bruce?

not technically no, but do i, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb, look like i care?

True story but I had to change my freaking name because it used to be "Damien" and most people would go "OH LIKE DAMIAN WAYNE" like please I'm just tryna live

true story, but i don't actually think of damian when i hear the name damian, literally the first thing that pops up is damian darkh like bruh what?

apparently dc comics company supported comic stores by giving out new titles and stuff during the beginning of the pandemic to help them run and I just think that's wholesome

ah yeah that's so fucking cool, still don't like dc, the company, because this world is a capitalist hellhole and we're all owned by warner brothers or disney with no in between.

ayo looking at tumblr head canons and finding out bruce is actually a terrible father is a punch in the gut

lmao yes, in like 50% of comics bruce is a terrible father and it gives me whiplash

oooh I just saw the jason todd vs winter soldier post and the real question is: batman vs iron man

while iron man has like hundreds of cases of armor, batman could throw out an emp and have the guy dropping out of the sky in 2 seconds.

dickfast = fastdick = quickdick = quickie

magnum hot take

hey bata(?) just thought I'd let you know I have copied the obnoxious emoji and Billy Ray post for use on simping men going forth

thank you 😘🌷 (@spacebarsidecar)

why would you do that to your followers???? i get why i did it, but why would you???

what is scarecrow made the nightwing funko pop himself, like those diy-ers that paint over other ones

oh god no, horrible take, horrible take, that's a disgusting thought oh no

I see your HC that Bruce and Oliver fucked and raise you this: Dick and Roy ALSO fucked

yes they did and it was a horrible moment for jason to find out dick has fucked both of his best friends

"at this rate bruce adds like 1 child to his family every decade or so" Duke is introduced in 2013, Damian as Damian, not as an unnamed child, in 2006. And he is already 14 years old, Robins rarely remain Robins after 16 😬 It looks like a new Robin and Batkid will appear in a couple of years

i mean i can't wait? but somebody will probably die first tho, we're due for another major character death. my money's on either cass or duke this time.

BRO you're so right all of your Bruce's ex headcanons are amazing but they aren't ships, that's kinda wild. Like I don't want any peeks into how their relationship was I just want to see everyone make fun of them

lmao YES it's just i love bruce being a slut, like good for him.

I am in love with your posts your honour thank you

omg thanks are we like,, gonna kiss now?

The justice league needs to have a meeting to discuss how many of their members/partners have slept with bruce. Because through a combination of cannon & fannon (if DC wasn’t homophobic) we have AT LEAST: 1) clark 2) lois 3) oliver 4) dinah 5) john

Thats not counting villains or random civilians @dudelookitsalesbian

yes yes yes, they'll have a yearly meeting about how many of their collective exes could be out for revenge and batman's list just keeps getting longer.

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

and what about it?

when steph's fighting livewire and she zaps her with lighting and nothing happens and then they both just. stand there awkwardly for a second and talk. yeah i couldn't stop laughing at that batgirl steph is the BEST

oh yeah that was fucking hilarious and i think it would be so cool and sexy of dc to give steph a little comic series,,, as a treat

Hi I absolutely adore all of yours "Bruce and Oliver very badly pretending they didn't fuck each other" memes

lmao i do too

I need you to know that “Bruce Wayne had frosted tips” is one of my favorite Bruce takes of all time it’s so galaxy brained. you’re right and you should say it

he also painted his hair blonde once when he was travelling and in conclusion, this is why he's being blackmailed by the gotham gazette.

you know my thing about gordon being branded as the only good cop in gotham is its a load of shit like arguably he's a good person and not working to screw people over or anything but the fact that he also works w. batman makes him a shit cop. like yea batman is better than the mob but its still illegal its still an abuse of power he just not making bank

babe, all cops are bad cops. (but yeah youre absolutely right, working with vigilantes makes you a shit cop, but also working against vigilantes just makes you an asshole cop yanno?)

ruh roh i think i’m about to add “so not yeehaw” every time i don’t like something

that's a very good vocabulary upgrade

somehow i feel like steph already knew. like babs obviously knew but i feel like bruce got high/drunk in front of steph and started telling his boarding school stories and steph was just like “oh you fucked up i’m never gonna forget this”

steph and bruce have weird uncle/rebellious niece dynamic and they just hang out sometimes and bruce will be like 'i once broke my arm when i tripped over a hedge when i was drunk so oliver drove me to the hospital on an electric scooter' and steph will just have to sit there with that knowledge in her head.

Hello I just wanted to tell you you are So right in all your steph opinions bc she is, in fact amazing and I think that's very sexy of you. Ps. Your Bruce/Oliver fic is hilarious

babe, thank you so much and yes steph is amazing and i love her and she deserves the world and she's the best member of the batfam hands down. also thanks

In Supersons we see a couple of kids that are implied to be Damian and Jon's children and the boy has laser eyes and can fly, so I asume he's not adopted. The girl, who calls Bruce grandpa, can also fly, btw. So it's canon (probably by accident) that Jon can have kids and he must have married one of Bruce's kids. (I'm hoping for Damian, mostly because any other of his children would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.) @artemisa97

lmao that was probably an accident seeing as jon is a 17 year old superhero in the year 3000 (by the jonas brothers)

You know, I'm a die hard fan of your memes, but I gotta say one thing: if Gothamites actually took gas mask everywhere with them, then the Scarecrow would just be a weird dude in a weird costume, and not a villain oh so scary. DC really should just takes notes from you.

bold of you to assume there's no gothamite anti-maskers

How does it feel being the funniest person on this app?

horrible, next question.

I can't listen to Green Day or Billy Joel without thinking of your post about how Bruce got arrested at a Billy Joel concert @nightwings-kid

yeah that's your mistake, i on the other hand can't enjoy billy joel without thinking about the glee rendition of 'uptown girl'

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

superman: so what do you do in your free time? batman, thinking about the superman fanfiction he's writing on the batcomputer: i have no free time

bruce and oliver be like boyfriends to co-workers 401k (do the justice leagues get 401ks??? not that bruce and ollie would need them, but-)

lmao yes just 400 thousand words of bruce realising 'oh dip oliver is such a fucking dumbass' (also i don't know what a 401 k is but i assume they don't?)

Gothamites would totally boo superman as he saves Gotham while batman is out. @meenje

he's like 'okay think about that next time you want to be saved from an alien octopus'

I just took long break from dc comics and I come back to see ric grayson ??

i think it's very cool and sexy of dc to see dick and just think 'you know what? let's just give him a traumatic brain injury' and then didn't develop his character in any real way

SPEAKING OF RIC GRAYSON, gothamites making confused memes out of ric grayson is much needed

'dick grayson is my taxi driver? can anyone explain what the fuck happened he looks like an italian plumber?'

i hate to say it but batfam are def "marvel characters" in that sense they are characters who are human but become superheroes unlike most dc characters who are gods trying to be human maybe this is why I like batfam

fair enough

[dreadnought-despair]

[CHAPTER 1 - 018]

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Well, I'd talked to... mostly everyone. A few among us still hid their secrets in the shadows, but we had a day before MONO-9000 would air our dirty laundry to the world. Maybe the stragglers would come to terms with things before then. Whether they did or not, one thing was for sure-- nobody was going to die over any of this gossip. What kind of people did that robot think we were? Honestly.

It was about lunchtime, so I headed over to the kitchen and made myself a sandwich. On my way out, though, I heard chatter coming from the rec room... I decided to peek in and see what was going on.

Several people were crowded around the shelf of movies against the far wall. Honoka looked to be in charge, as usual.

"Is there really nothing any good here?"

"Not that I can see..."

"Someone went out of their way to pick the most childish, pointless movies possible for this room. I don't know why I even bother."

"Are you trying to tell me Kool Kat Saves The Kids isn't a masterpiece of modern cinema?"

"What the fuck? That can't be real." Ishi snatched the plastic case from his hands and stared at the cover. A moment of silence, a sigh of resignation. "...It's real."

"I'd recommend you don't take any of Michi's movie picks at face value..."

"Wow. Wow. I'm hurt, Tim."

"Oh!" Honoka looked up, apparently having just noticed my presence. "Timaeus! We're having a movie night tonight at 9, and everyone's invited!"

"O-oh, okay... why a movie night?"

"I think it's a good idea for everyone to spend some time together! Just because we're stuck up here doesn't mean we can't have fun!"

"Ah yes, because love and friendship's gonna make everything better, right?"

"I don't see you coming up with any ideas, smartass." Ishi stuck her tongue out at him, and he let out a snicker.

"W-well I also think we should stick together, y'know, in case... s-something happens... Not that anything will happen! But just to be safe..."

"N-no, I think it sounds like a good idea! But there's just not really anything to watch..."

"Oh, I think there might be one more place on this ship with movies, if my hunch is correct..." They looked up at Riko with a grin.

"..."

"..."

"...Fine. I have collector's editions of all the Star Trek movies and TV series in my dorm. But if you get a single scratch on those discs..."

Aoi pumped their fists in victory.

"Riko, you're a lifesaver!"

“Which one are we gonna watch? Is it the one with Chris Pine in it? Tim, you like Chris Pine, right?” Thanks for announcing my celebrity crush to the entire room, Ishi.

“No, we’re going to watch a real Star Trek movie,” Riko hissed.

“Aw, the Abrams movies aren’t that bad! Though I feel like they don’t really capture the spirit of the original show...”

With that, Riko stalked off towards the dorms, Aoi tagging along behind as they debated which movie would be the best introduction to the series.

"So now we just need snacks, and decorations, and invitations--"

"I don't think it needs to be that big of an ordeal..."

"Speak for yourself, I want free food!"

“Maybe one of the kitchen-dwellers will help us out...”

With our feature film decided, the impromptu party planning committee made its way back out to the cafeteria, where we found a few more of the students eating lunch. Jurou was the first to notice and wave us over, cordial as always.

"Well howdy! What's the big ol' crowd here for?"

"D-did something happen?" Vasundhara looked like she was doing better than before, but her voice was still a little panicky.

"No no, everything's fine! We were just thinking about watching a movie tonight..."

"Oh, that sounds lovely!~"

"Hrm... At a time like this?" Siegfried didn't seem so impressed by the idea... though I suppose at this point, that's to be expected.

"Well, why not? We could all use some cheering up! Especially you, mister grumpyguts." Honoka bopped him on the shoulder with her cane, provoking a grumble from her target and a snort-laugh from Jurou.

"Sounds like a plan, hawhaw! I'm in!"

"Y-yeah, I'll go if everyone else is going..."

“...!” Kapono nodded brightly.

"Come on, Sieg, would it kill you to lighten up a little?"

"Ja? It could, in fact, kill me! Or do you forget the danger we are in?"

"In that case... isn't there safety in numbers? Nobody's gonna try anything in a room full of witnesses! I love a handsome lone wolf as much as anybody else, but wandering around by yourself is such an easy way to get killed...~"

Salvatore grinned his shark-tooth grin up at Siegfried, who frowned back at him as he tried to decide if that was a threat or a pick-up line.

"... Fine."

"Alright! Let's break out the popcorn! Yeehaw!" Jurou whooped and hopped up from his chair.

"Oh, right! Jurou, I was gonna talk to you about the snack situation..."

He bobbed his head excitedly. "'Course I'll help! I can throw y'all together some--"

"Okay, this is just getting ridiculous! I'm not gonna sit back and watch this any longer!"

"AAAH! Where’d ya come from?!"

“The door, dumbass!”

Alas, we would never find out Jurou's favorite movie snack, as our conversation was interrupted by the worst possible intruder.

"HEY! Fuck off!" Ishi bellowed as soon as she sighted MONO-9000’s glaring eye. 

"Man... right on cue, huh."

"..."

"What the hell are you doing here?!"

"B-b-but we haven't d-done anything wrong..."

"That's right! We haven't broken any of your rules!"

"Well not technically I guess... But you're totally missing the spirit of the game!"

"The spirit of the game...?”

“What the fuck does THAT have to do with anything?!"

"Listen, it was bad enough that you people had such boring-ass backstories to work with in the first place! Then half of you just straight up told everyone your darkest secrets with your lives on the line and now you're planning a MOVIE NIGHT?! That's just disrespectful!"

He waved his claws at us as if all this was somehow our fault.

"S-so what? You're the one that kidnapped us!"

"YEAH!! You fuckin' drag him, Tim!"

"Heaven forbid we communicate like reasonable human beings, right?"

“I can do some cartwheels for you if we’re not entertaining enough!”

"Man, if I'd know you people were gonna be such frakking goody-two-shoes... I guess I'm just gonna have to resort to boring old Plan B!"

“I got a baaad feeling ‘bout this...”

"W-was meinen sie--"

A microphone popped out of a hatch in MONO-9000's chassis, and suddenly his voice boomed from every speaker in the room-- and presumably, every speaker on the station.

"The kitchen, pantry, and all other sources of food will be locked away until SOMEONE gets off their ass and kills somebody! Rationally discuss your way out of THAT one, meatbags!"

“W-w-what?!”

"What the FUCK?!"

“Holy shit?”

"Y-you can't just do that--"

Honoka's outburst was interrupted by the SLAM of a sturdy metal grate over the entrance to the kitchen. Apparently, he could just do that. Rather than respond to the sudden chaos, MONO-9000 simply whined to himelf as he bobbed away from the cafeteria.

"Weh... I thought my motive was cool..."

It wasn't long before the rest of the students stampeded into the room, having just heard the announcement themselves.

"What the hell is going on?!"

"God, I knew someone was gonna fuck this up..."

“Everybody stay calm, we can--”

"What are we gonna do what are we gonna do--"

"I told you this was a terrible idea! And now we all suffer for it!"

"I-I'm sorry I'm sorry--"

"EVERYBODY SHUT UUUUUUUP!!!"

Gugalanna's roar silenced (and deafened) the room as she stood on one of the tables and glared around at the crowd.

"YOU PENDEJOS FACE DEATH LIKE COWARDS!! IS THIS HOW YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED? GIVING UP AT THE SLIGHTEST DANGER AND SQUEALING LIKE PIGS?! I REFUSE TO MEET MY MAKER SURROUNDED BY BICKERING CHANCHITOS!!"

I wasn't sure what a pendejo or a chanchito was, but neither sounded terribly flattering. Salvatore took advantage of the silence to try and calm things down.

"She's right, you know. Pointing fingers is useless.”

“MONO-9000 wasn’t going to just let us be, no matter what we did..."

"B-but if I hadn't said anything..." Honoka started to stammer out, but Salvatore cut her off.

"Don't blame yourself for what was a logical idea at the time, dear. In fact, I think we should go through with it! What's the movie?"

"Oh? We were trying to decide between the first Star Trek movie or Wrath of Khan, but..." 

"You can’t be serious!" Siegfried growled.

“I-I don’t really feel like watching anything now...”

"Ah... but it’s like Sal was saying earlier! It's safest for us to stick together."

“I think I’d rather just hole up in my room and fucking starve to death, if that’s chill.”

“No one’s stopping you, dear. But I think it’s too soon to give up on escaping--”

This time, Salvatore was interrupted by a much higher-pitched voice.

“Y-y-you really still think we can just-- up and leave this place?! We’re in space! MONO could kill us any moment now! He knows everything little thing about us! A-and now there’s no food and we’re fifty bajillion miles from home and we--”

“N-Nik! Nik are you-- listen, we’re gonna figure something out j-just take a deep breath...”

“Jesus, this is a mess.”

“If we can just get a distress signal out, maybe someone will find us and--”

“But there’s no way we could get to the communication systems from where we are--”

“There’s gotta be something we can do, right? But right now we need to--”

“There is no time for this silly dancing around the truth! Someone must die, and we all know it!”

“Cut that shit out, Sieg, you are not helping--”

“D-don’t say that!! Uwaaaaaahh!”

“Th-they gotta be lookin’ for us! My folks are out there! They gotta be!”

“This is all fuckin’ bullshit!!”

“Jesus Christ, you people are gonna give me a migraine.”

“Excuse me, Gugalanna, would you...”

The Bull of Heaven nodded and stomped on the table again. That was an... extremely sturdy table.

“QUIIIIIEEEEEETTTTTTTT!!!”

Another silence fell over the cafeteria, much more tense than the last one.

“We are all obviously too worked up about this to come up with a reasonable plan of action.”

“Tell me about it...”

“Tomorrow we should regroup, and if no one’s had any ideas overnight we can search the station one more time. Until then...”

“...I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a Star Trek movie!”

“...You still want to...?”

“Yeah! S-sorry there won’t be any snacks, though...”

“That’s not your fault, you know...”

“Yeah I’m not going. Have fun with your nerd movies or whatever. Don’t knock unless you find some food, bye.” With that pleasant parting remark, Tiffani staggered off back to the dorms, prompting the rest of the crowd to begin to disperse.

“I suppose I will see you tonight... those who choose to come.”

“What are you gonna do, Tim?”

“Oh... me?”

I’d gotten so lost trying to keep up with the pandemonium that I hadn’t really thought about how I felt about the situation. This punishment from MONO-9000 really did sound like a death sentence... but was there still a chance, like Yusra had said, of setting off a distress signal? Would someone come to help us?

There was one thing I did know for sure, though-- nothing like that would get resolved tonight. Tomorrow, maybe, we could find answers... We just needed to get through tonight. I did wonder if it would be safer to just stay locked up, but...

“I’m gonna go to the movie night. Better to mope around with some friends and a movie than mope around by myself, right?”

“You just wanna see Chris Pine one more time, don’t cha?”

“Shut up.”

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