#yall think someone making a statement about their experiences and feelings on a topic
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The comments and replies on this are astounding like why in the actual fuck are you all fighting like children on a topic this complex.
Like please for the love of god stop fuckin fighting over this girl math shit. Do you all realize that the point of cultural analysis and critique is to point out patterns in culture and why they exist and not use them to attack others and that the reason it will not convince anyone is bc they can use the same shit or make their own critiques back? Like we live in a culture obsessed with this notion that there is a Science to Existence when culture very clearly can never be boiled down to something that concrete.
Your views on this trend if "girlification" hold meaning and are important but they dont make you more correct or morally superior. You are not a better person for hating these trends but also if you are taking these critiques personally maybe you need to uhhh....get a fucking grip? And maybe look inward and understand why you are so attached to these ideas of femininity and, if you really see it as survival or reclaimation, why do you feel the need to scream and cry and act fucking insane online about it?????
Its even fuckin weirder that any of yall arguing about it are doing it through this lense that you are more Right for it. It's like you have genuinely zero understanding of experiences outside your own but instead of trying to use that to grow, you're getting into screaming matches on tumblr and twitter about it like a bunch of babies.
"girl dinner is when you don't eat teehee" "men think about the roman empire women think about their ex best friends and poetry" "â¨sapphic love⨠is so pure and innocent and sweet unlike nasty gross Man Lust" "girl math is when you can buy starbucks and makeup because you didn't buy it yesterday so it's free" "I'm going to explain (complex topic) for the girlies! so basically it's like when you go shopping-" "I love women because they're so soft and smooth and feminine and we can talk about girly things and they're not sweaty or hairy or horny like gross men" "women should be unemployed girls don't need jobs men should do all that for us" "ugh girls that don't like pink or being feminine just need to stop being such pick mes and get over their internalized misogyny it's gross"
god save my hairy dyke ass from this hell before I start whacking people's shins with my Girl Baseball Bat. teehee!
#nothing OP said warrented the fuckin war in the comments#op can feel what they want without it being moralized by yall even if u support the same viewpoint!!#like all of u sound fuckin insane#and the amount of ppl literally being so rude over this#like ur being so emotional yet acting like u have this sane logical prespective#its just so funny to me like none of u understand how culture functions#and are so up ur own asses bc of american individualism#yall think someone making a statement about their experiences and feelings on a topic#are a personal attack on YOU and YOUR life specifically#like get a fuckin gripppppp#but also i understand this is the entire issue with the internet lol#like this is why all internet fights occur#is bc of this type of brainwashing#and its not even fully ppls faults#but theres something so aggravating about yall being critical and analytical#but not going far enough to understand you cannot apply moral value to ur personal feelings#u can take moral stances!!!#lime u can choose to partake or not partake for ur own personal reasons#but that doesnt mean u punish others for not having done the same analytical work#bc like what does that fuckin accomplish for yalls goals#but thats the nature of cultural analysis like even scholars end up getting into petty arguments over this shit#so i cant say theres a real solution#other than just learning to decenter yourself and gaining uhhh some fuckin empathy!!! u dumb brats đ
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On the topic of listening to "Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" one too many times, and the idea that you might be identifying too much with your trauma and mental illness:
----
If you've followed me for any length of time on this blog, you'll probably be aware of two things about me:
A. I'm clearly mentally ill in some regard, and B. I use music to cope and work thru the issues related to my mental illness and trauma a lot.
The past four years have been both the worst and best years of my life. I ran away from an abusive home, I've gone thru two major breakups and one of them just absolutely rocked my shit for awhile, I've been consistently working thru my queer identity and figuring all of that out for myself, and the list goes on.
Finally leaving an environment that had trapped me in a cycle of traumatic experiences for years left me in a weird place. For once I was somewhere where my illness and suffering was being taken seriously and not constantly belittled and ignored, and my queerness was accepted and respected. And that felt great!
What Wasnt so great about that was the Overwhelming feelings of "oh my god I've been suffering for so long and now that i'm out of that place, I cant stop thinking about it and realizing how much its truely fucked me up and worsened my mental health" that came with everything else.
And with that overwhelm, somewhere along the line I started to identify with that suffering. I had spent so long in a place that refused to acknowledge that I was hurting at all, that now that I was in a place where I could truely express that hurt and how it affected me, I didnt want to let go of it.
This was a cycle that went on for awhile, and one that I didn't really realize I was trapped in until about March this year.
Enter Will Wood and his wonderful music.
I'd heard of him months before, already had Dr. Sunshine and Hand Me My Shovel in my spotify library. But I didn't really give him a Proper listen until Miles suggested I do so, and I fell in love almost immediately with his stuff. Underneath his music just being fun and wild to listen to, Will's music talks so openly and genuinely about deeper themes of personal identity and mortality and the current culture we live in, and so many other important things.
"Marsha, Thank You for the Dialectics" is a song about both sides of the mental health discussion and about the struggle of how everyone deals with their own personal identity in relation to their mental health treatment. Its a song that once I heard what it was really saying, it slapped me in the fucking face to say the least. I havent heard someone describe the things this song is trying to say in a way that actually made sense and summed up my feelings on the discussion so nicely ever honestly. The things Will addresses in this song are important, and its all stuff I've personally pondered on for awhile too.
Some lyrics that really stuck out to me would be these two:
"Who makes the call, whats a symptom whats a flaw, can it be both? Well I suppose thats an answer."
"Ain't your identity at stake? Does aspirin kill you with the pain?"
What a complex question, isnt it? Does treatment kill your identity, change who you are as a person? Is that a bad thing? Whats really a symptom of the mental illness and what makes it that? Do those symptoms also count as personal flaws?
What do you do when you identify too much with your illness that you feel you can't get treatment for it?
That was the real question I got stuck on for myself. Because after a lot of deeper reflection on my own behavior and thoughts towards my illness and trauma, I made a discovery I hadn't known before really thinking about what this song was saying:
I found that I was scared to be treated. I was scared of finding an identity outside of my illness. I had become so accustomed to defining a part of myself by my suffering, that i became afraid of what or who I could become without it constantly weighing me down. And thats a very heavy thing to realize about yourself, but it was a very eye opening thought for me to have.
And I dunno how much longer itd have taken me to figure out if it wasnt for this song tbh. Its just not something I wanted to think about for awhile. I became content with identifying myself by my illness, and I was resistant to seeking out treatment for fear that I wouldnt like who I'd become if I tried to treat it.
Thankfully, this is something I've been working thru more recently after having that revelation.
I don't really have some grand statement to make at the end of this. I'm really just here journalling and writing down how I feel about all of this stuff recently. But, I do think theres something to be said about how art and music can really affect people. Hell knows I've had quite a few good mental revelations about myself since listening to Wills music more recently. Its been helpful honestly.
If you take anything away from this tho, maybe it should be that its not a bad thing to examine just how much you define yourself by your illness and trauma sometimes. You might find that you're in a little too deep sometimes and want to pull yourself out.
You're more than what your illness is. And treatment for it isn't a bad thing either. I may just be learning this for myself, but I do think its true.
Just something for yall to ponder for now I suppose.
#like i said. this is just a personal journal post about some thoughts ive had recently related to wills music#lord knows I could talk more about the effect his music has had on me recently too. maybe ill do that later too.#me talking#will wood#wwatt#long post#rambling#ill put a read more on this later but im on mobile rn#okay to rb
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Could you do headcanons of hogwarts AU byler and elmax?
yes, yes i can
(im also throwing henclair in here because i love them)
(also this is probably going to be either really long or multiple parts)
- mike, lucas, and max are gryffindors
- will and el are hufflepuffs
- dustin is a ravenclaw
- the boys have been friends since forever since they all have at least one magic parent and their parents are friends
- they meet el on the train
- these five eleven year olds are all squished together on the train
- elâs parents were wizards but she was orphaned and hop is a muggle so she has no idea what shes doing
- anyway so the boys all meet at the platform and they get on together and find a seat together and such right
- (dustin and will are vaguely aware of their not-straightness at this point, just thought i should throw that in)
- so el is like wandering right and shes shy and wont ask to sit with anyone
- mike sees her wandering and is like âheY come sit with us!!!1!!!â
- so she squishes in next to him
- both el and will are quiet(tm)
- but for different reasons, new people make will nervous and el has no clue what is happening here so shes stressed
- but they all bond anyways its wholesome
- so they also ride the same carriage to the school
- and will gets sorted first and steve is so proud to have one of his children in his house
- dustin is glad to know someone else in ravenclaw, and jonathan introduces him to robin, they get along very well
- the wheelers are like the weasleys in the fact that they are all gryffindors, so theres not much surprise there
- so el and will bond more from being housemates
- mike and lucas meet this spunky redhead girl in their year and lucas is like âsweet a new friendâ and mike is like âi dont trust herâ
- so they introduce max to the rest of the party and theyre all bfs now its great
- ok so i should probably get to the part where theyre all gay shouldnt i
- i just love hogwarts aus okay-
- will has a breakdown in the hufflepuff common room because hes not supposed to be feeling this way for a boy
- steve finds him and comforts him to the best of his ability
- finding your boyfriendâs little brother crying over something is an odd experience give him some slack
- meanwhile in the ravenclaw common room
- âi think i like boysâ âsweet little dudeâ
- meanwhile in the gryffindor common room
- max lucas and mike are just laying on the floor staring up at the celing
- max starts them off by just being like âyo el is really prettyâ
- and then lucas is like âyeah but so is dustinâ
- these statements prompt mike to be like âyall have no taste, have you ever looked at willâ which sends all of them into rants about their crushes and they talk over each other and its a mess
- nancy comes down and finds them, immediately rolls her eyes, and leaves
- during all of this, el is just kinda daydreaming about max and not getting her homework done
- at christmas, the boys convince their parents to invite el and max to their annual party
- max comes alone and all of the parents are concerned
- hop is very intrigued by the magic world and fits right in to the parent group
- anyways mike either has no filter or cannot speak around will and max and lucas lose it every time
- el has got moves
- max is very flustered
- dustin and lucas are both simultaneously vibing and constantly panicked
- âyeah this is chillâ âaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAâ
- they have study groups for exams
- this is very good for lucas, who can do things well technically, but cannot do them in practice
- so dustin helps him and is flustered the whole time
- el is really good at charms so she helps everyone (max always seems to mess up) with that
- max is also good at charms but likes the attention so purposefully messes up
- will and mike are both great at herbology so they tend to lecture the group about that together and they get off topic and occasionally it ends with them both mumbling and just staring into each others eyes,
- lucas and max lose it again and dustin and el are tired
- max ends up going from house to house that summer so she doesnt have to stay with her own family
- hop loves having max around so she stays there the most
- el is very happy about that
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Whatâs up gamers!!! Our fourth episode plowed through the chaos of thanksgiving holidays and is Here w/ some Facts and Opinions about creating shit and being LGBT and how being LGBT influences creating shit. HEADS UP we recorded this while I had a cold so my voice is probably a little off, but ik Isaac put SO much work into the editing so it would be ready on time and we have recorded statements from some amazing artists (transcriptions under the cut below!) & this is honestly one of my favorite episodes weâve done so far, so give her a listen if youâre gay or enjoy fun things!
BIG thank you once again to everyone who participated in this monthâs episode!! Your contributions are so valued and so beautiful!!
You can find us on the Itunes Podcast App/Webpage at Gay As In Stupid Podcast! You can also find our episodes uploaded to Youtube and Soundcloud!
You can also follow us on twitter at gayasinstupid!
Further Reading on LGBT Artists
Montage of a Queering Deferred: Memory, Ownership, and Archival Silencing in the Rhetorical Biography of Langston Hughes
The Political Provocations of Keith HaringÂ
Pop art politics: Activism of Keith HaringÂ
E M Forsterâs Gay Fiction
Alok Vaid-Menon Tells Us What Itâs Like To Be Femme In Public
Shea Diamond Speaks Her Truth
Aaronâs 2018 November Recs!
Alok Alok Vaid-Menon is one of my favorite poet/activist/performance artists out there! Their writing and stage presence is gorgeous and witty in a way thatâs SO clever and still feels like youâre in a room trading jokes you donât need to explain with your closest trans friends. The way they balance their art creates a real, deeply touching experience that feels very essential to our world.
Miles (2016) Miles is set in 1999 and is a coming of age story about a gay teenager trying to get a volleyball scholarship for college in Chicago. Itâs not revolutionary and itâs not over the top dramatic, but itâs funny and honest and it makes me feel nice. Definitely the movie to watch when youâve just been through something emotionally taxing and need a light crying session and some mediocre pastries.
Isaacâs 2018 November Recs!
The Adventure Zone I know half of you already kin the Mcelroys while the other half either donât know or donât care, but the Adventure Zone is one of my most favorite things in the world. Itâs a DND podcast (yes, all episodes are transcribed, and they have a graphic novel for the first arc of Balance with a second one on the way!) by three brothers plus their dad, and not only does it have the most amazing story and is ungodly funny, but TONS of gays (Griffin went ape with those Lesbian NPCS)! And just because they can! Same with trans characters. Itâs a story where they just exist, and thatâs really important to me because in a lot of media LGBT have to almost prove why they deserve to take up space. And itâs not just something that goes on in their first campaign, Amnesty also has those sweet sweet gay! I could talk about this podcast for hours, so if you needed that final push to give it a listen, THIS IS IT!
Stardew Valley You get to farm and be gay. And if THAT hasnât sold you on this charming video game, then maybe the super cute graphics, beautiful soundtrack and a handful of interesting characters will! TBH I spend so much time playing this game itâs concerning. Itâs just such a fun way to relax, and I just really REALLY like video games were I can chose to be gay. Like. God Tier. YOU CAN HAVE CROPS AND CHICKENS AND BE GAY CâMON YALL!!
The Amazing Quotes And Artists Featured!
Meg | instagram | esty
âMy identity as a bisexual woman influences my art in many ways. As a woman, i create art about the issues that effect me, such as abortion and gender equality, in order to resonate with the people that matter most to me. As a bisexual individual, my subjects often appear from a gaze that falls outside of the stereotypical eye. My figure drawings and portraits all come from a place of admiration, and donât fall into the stereotype of the male gaze or womanly care- they are the space inbetween, equally sexualized and normalized. I feel lucky to be a bi gal in the art world because it is a place that is my own to create in. There are so many queer artists that i look up to such as Mapplethorpe and Warhol, and many female artists i can cite as influence (Jenny Holzer, Kiki Smith, and Louise Bourgeois to name a few). My identity gives me a whole new world of content to draw from and allows my work to resonate with a wider audience, and I really think that any artists goal is to reach and touch as many people as possible.â Â
Cameron | twitter | instagramÂ
âI donât think that it influences the form really, but it definitely influences the subject matter! (Much as I hate to admit it, my identity influences the majority of choices I make in life.) I write a lot of poems about lgbtq related things and religion, as well as other stuff too. I was raised catholic, so realizing that I was âdifferentâ at more than one point in my teen years was scary AF. Being a member of the lgbtq+ community and also trying to still feel like I belong, or wanting to, in a religious community is hard, the two things are usually at a crossroads in my life so writing about them makes it easier for me to get through. My hope is that someday someone reads what I wrote and finds some peace in their own life/experience.âÂ
Vince |Â art instagram
âWell, being transgender I feel like Iâm constantly aware of the lack of representation of my community, and I feel like it might be because of that I tend to experiment with showing all sorts of different type of people in my work. Because thereâs so much diversity in the world, why not showcase that?â
Fox | art instagram Â
âOofâŚIâm gay so my characters always be gay. Gotta Fill the void in media w my own bullshit so I donât have to rely on straight showrunners who will inevitably discard the character since they themselves seem to have no personal attachment and treat lgbt characters as disposable extras. Bc if I donât at least attempt to create representation in the field Iâm going into then I canât rlly complain about the lack of it right? If I donât try and change it I canât complain about the lack of change so being an lgbt artist is lowkey Big Pressure to be revolutionary in your work but sometimeâŚ..I just wanna draw funkey animeal and thatâs aight tooâ
Jen | twitter | instagram
âAs a female bisexual poet, I worry often that my poetry and art will be too niche to be appreciated. Iâve spent years editing my poetry down to its barest bones in hopes that someone will relate to it. Changing pronouns back and forth because I worry that if I do talk about a woman, the poem will be stripped of its context and suddenly be about my queerness when in reality it never was. When I write about love and people I have dated and have crushed on, I want the poem to exist outside of the gender of who I love. I fear my authorial death will result in a complete misinterpretation of what I mean. When I write, it truly does not matter to me if I am writing about a woman or a man. If I feel what I write and I can make someone else feel it too does it matter that I also love women? I write what matters to me overall, regardless of gender, I try to make my poetry as true as possible. Sometimes, when I catch myself over editing I try to take myself back to the moment, to the person, what I loved about him or her. â
Lain |Â art instagram
âMy LGBT Identity has significantly impacted almost all of my art, especially my work over the last two years. Ever since I have allowed myself to accept that I am trans and began my transition (6 months on T!), the impact that my Roman Catholic upbringing has had on my bisexual trans identity has bled into my artwork. Because of the way I was raised, accepting and allowing myself to be authentic has been an upward struggle. And what better way to process and document struggle than art? Â
Much of my recent work has had a focus on the trans body, particularly the âsanctityâ of self-actualization and the god-like power that comes with accepting and creating yourself in the unique and exceptional way that LGBT people must in order to live authentically. Two of my pieces on this topic were actually recently exhibited at UWM in the Trans-lucent exhibition, and will remain there until December 15th (I think). I got sick and tired of never seeing trans representation, so now I am creating that space that I crave in my own work.â
Kobe | instagram | soundcloud
âMy art from is very influenced by my LGBT identity. It is very influenced by my LGBT black Identity. I think that whenever an artist makes their art (in my case writing music, singing, dancing) they should incorporate as much of themselves as possible. I think my LGBT identity definitely adds a sense of representation as well. I want people like me to listen to my music to know they arenât alone. So it influences my work a lot. â
Nat |Â art instagram
âI think the fact that I am part of the LGBT+ community influences my art directly. Even though I donât draw as often as I wish, I believe both my drawings and college projects (I am a 3d art/animation student), and my creativity in general is inspired by my personal experiences as a gay woman and common things experienced by the community. I try as often as I can to bring representation of some kind in the things I do, mainly personal projects. I also feel that it influences me on my motivation to keep creating; whenever I listen to, see drawings, watch movies or see whatever form of artistic expression from LGBT+ artists it gives me the energy to keep going, to keep creating.â
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"Listen if you are going to chop up single sentences from my response and ignore the rest then I donât know how we could possible have a productive conversation."
Because I am quoting you. I am directly replying to you. "If you reply to specific things how can I have a conversation" I have adhd and I need to break things up sometimes, especially when there are multiple things said within one paragraph. It is not a big deal, it doesn't decontextualize what you've said.
"For example, you chose to chop out this sentence 'Terfs want ALL of us dead or detransitioned and in hiding' so you could say that I was rejecting the idea that terfs want trans women dead."
I left that line out because I had already addressed it in what i did quote reply to. Terfs do not want transfems hiding or destransitioned, they want us dead. My point is that the hiding bit is completely unrelatable and furthers my original point in my OP, that the person making that comparison is offensive and misogynistic.
"You also do not understand what I am saying. When I say âfailed manâ and âfailed woman.â Iâm saying that we are treated as subhuman because under a strict bioessentialist patriarchy, to âfailâ at your gender is to lose your ârightâ to humanity. We are treated as subhumans who need to be eradicated BECAUSE we âfailedâ at fitting our assigned gender roles."
You and I have a very different idea of what defines personhood. A "failed man" is still a man. A "failed woman" is still a woman. It doesn't imply subhuman, and the treatment one would receive is still that of a man/woman needed to be beat into shape. I do not interpret being a person as being a man or a woman. This really, really makes me feel that you and I have very different experiences.
"As for your comment about trans men having it better, I donât know what to tell you maâam. Iâm not trying to suggest that trans women arenât more likely to face hate crimes. You are and itâs fucking horrific. I will always strive to support trans women in their fight against transmisogynistic violence. All I am asking is that you donât use a bastardized version of gender-affirmation to deny my lived experience."
I have never once denied your "lived experience," the opposite has happened. You have tried using all these topics to talk over me about a topic I am visibly more educated about. And I have never once affirmed your gender. Yall keep saying that. "Trans men are men" is just true. Not gender affirmation. I am stating basic feminism 101 and transphobia 101. As I said a billion posts up, if that's gender affirmation to you, I'm really sorry you have not been shown any true love as a trans person.
"entire response thread before this point has been INSISTENT that trans men experience male privilege,"
No, I haven't. This is what I mean when I say youre making up someone to be mad at.
"that we arenât targeted for violence by terfs"
I have never said this. Not once. Screencap where you think I said this and I'll explain what it actually says.
"and that thereâs nothing wrong with the blanket statement that because transmasculine people identify as âmenâ (you know⌠other than the large number of us who donât)"
I mean, I'm talking about men, specifically. When I talk about the male privilege stuff, I have specifically said men. I'm not implying all transmascs are "men" cuz that's wrong and the topic of "transmasc" as a whole class having male privilege is murky and not something I actually care to argue about, for or against. You will find I only used the term "transmasc" when talking about terfs, not male privilege. You will find I very consistently said men, until you and the other guy started saying transmasc. You will find that this is the case because literally none of this is relevant to my OP, I did not bring up any of this.
"THAT is my primary issue with your take."
Then you have no issue with my take. Because I didn't say that.
"The fact that I am like 95% sure that even if you havenât read Judith Butler"
I have, and as someone else explained on the post in detail, you are wrong and are misrepresenting Judith Butler.
Stop making up a woman to be mad at.
Do these weirdos think that when terfs talk about "males" they're talking about trans men? When a terf talks about males, they are exclusively talking about trans women. They are misgendering us as means to deny us our womanhood. "Trans men are men and have male privilege" does not have remotely the same violence. There's no misgendering in it. Trans men are men.
This just annoys me cuz the two examples are absolutely nothing alike, and they both are not bio essentialist. Even if you think trans men are denied access of male privilege, the statement that trans men benefit from patriarchy has no violence to it, no misgendering, it truly has no fangs. It's just a statement about trans men being men and likely having male privilege. It's not bio essentialist cuz it genders trans men how they identify.
The former is incredibly violent, misgendering, and is bio essentialist.
Is this person trying to say "TIMs are males" is about trans men? Cuz it's not. Is this person trying to say trans men actually aren't men? Cuz they are. Is this person trying to claim that trans women on Tumblr dot com saying "trans men are men, therefore they benefit from patriarchy" is the same as a hate group, that has a tangible real world grip on society, and is oppressing the trans community, saying "trans women are male?" God I hope not.
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Spotlight
Genre: Fluff, ANGST, Celebrity! AU
Word count: 7.7k (my longest oneshot ever !!)
Pairing: Jimin x reader
Summary: The perfect guy, the imperfect celebrity
Warnings: Triggering topics - panic attack, thoughts of suicide
A/N: HELLO GUYS IM BACK WITH MY FIRST FIC IN QUITE A WHILE im so sorry tumblr deleted the post before this i haTE but itâs back so whooo !! this story is actually somewhat based on a personal experience, so I included a lot of personal thoughts and insights to try to make this better HAHAHAH but i hope yall like it !! i put in a lot of effort trying to write this fic and many BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS were shed but im finally done !! i really hold this story v close to myself because i actually felt all these things and i was a little delusional like the y/n in this fic !! please tell me how it was by dropping an ask into my inbox, both compliments and constructive criticism is good !! anyway besides this fic, im not yet done with dead leaves soRRY but feel free to leave me a request for the ending of chapter 7 (2nd last chapter !!) so drop me that asK ANYWAY IM RAMBLING AGAIN I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS FIC BYEEEEEE
"Miss, your interview is in less than 5 hours, are you sure that you want to be seen on national television with dog fur all over yourself?" Seulgi wrinkled her nose at me in disgust.
"Shut up Seulgi, I still have so much time," I flopped on my bed with my puppy on my chest. "And don't call me 'miss', I'm your younger sister. Don't be weird."
"You are the one who needs to shut up." She scoffed at me, but quickly started giggling and I joined in as well.
"No, but really, your stylist is waiting for you. What's his again? The cute one? Seok-min?" I let a small chuckle escape from my lips at her confusion.
"Seokjin," I got up and placed my puppy on the ground. "And take him. He's all yours." I cackled before sprinting out of my room, listening to her frustrated and embarrassed protests in glee.
"I will bet my entire career that you and Seulgi will get together by the end of this year." I mumbled to Seokjin as he handed me my outfit. He made a weird noise, probably thinking about the possibility.
"Yeah sure, I can hook it up." He said nonchalantly. I choked on my breath in utter horror and shock, I didn't think he would take me so seriously.
"Why are you making me wear something so pretty today?" I asked him as I got changed behind a curtain.
"What do you mean by 'pretty'? You look pretty every day." He said matter-of-factly, and I couldn't help but blush a little at his words.
"I'm not used to this. I can't rock dresses, full stop. I only look decent in a shirt and shorts." I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror one last time before walking out to sit down in the makeup chair. "Where am I going later, anyway?"
"You're an Academy Award winner, a Grammy winner, and you still don't know where you're going after this. Unbelievable." He called the makeup girl over and crossed his arms. I furrowed my brows, wondering how he linked the three things together.
"You're going on national television, stupid. You're going to be interviewed by Park Jimin!" He exclaimed and threw his hands into the air, almost hitting the makeup girl in the face.
"Who?"
He gave a little gasp at my obliviousness. "Do you not watch the evening news? He's the presenter after that. He does all the celebrity news, he interviews them on radio as well. He's like Korea's very own Ryan Seacrest! Only more beautiful and younger, and did I mention beautiful?"
"Uh, so, does this give me a reason to re-dye my hair?" I murmured as the makeup girl put some bright red lipstick on me, not really caring about whoever Park Jimin was.
"You've already done your makeup, silly. You wouldn't want to ruin her masterpiece, would you?" He said, posing more of a statement than a question. "Thank you Irene." He tapped her on her back as she scuttled away in fear.
"I don't think her name is Irene," I squinted my eyes at my reflection in the mirror.
"Whatever, you're almost ready. Time for hair, time for me to do my magic." He whipped a comb out of the pocket of his pants. "We have no time for re-dying of hair. And I think that this pink hair suits you. Also, don't worry about the interview with Park Jimin later. It will be a walk in the âParkâ!" I groaned at his very lame joke and he chuckled softly.
I tugged at the hem of my dress, trying to pull it lower.
"Seulgi, why do you look so nervous? I'm the one going out there." I asked her as she bit her neatly manicured nails.
"Look, I'm just worried for you, don't mess this up for m- for yourself, okay? Also, I'm going to be in the same room as Pa-"
Heads were turned as a man walked into the room. He looked confident and cool. He was very handsome, with a charm that seemed to go around the room. His cotton candy coloured hair looked like it took hours to style, his makeup flawless. He wore a suit that looked a little too tight, but it accentuated his muscular arms, so I wasn't complaining.
"Park Jimin-"
Stop being so shallow, maybe he's a dick.
And suddenly, I was being pushed into the set. And right into Park Jimin's arms.
"Cut!"
I heard someone yell, and I swear I heard the entire studio sigh in unison. I didn't realise that I was in the Park Jimin's arms until he pulled me up, and I dusted off my dress.
"Sorry." I bowed to him and ran off to the standby area.
"Could we do that walk in part again? Come in less violently, thanks." The mysterious voice ordered me, and I nodded at the instructions.
After coming out less violently, the rest of the interview went fairly well. I didnât mention any embarrassing things that could expose me, but I did comment on our similar hair colours, which was enough awkward for one day.
âHey, we have the same hair!â I blurted out just before he could ask me a question. He tilted his head and was silent for a moment, but quickly caught on and smiled at me. I stretched my hand out for a high-five, hoping that he wouldnât leave me hanging, and he didnât. He flashed me the brightest smile Iâve seen in a while and gave me a high-five.
âHe has the most gorgeous smile. His eyes smile along with him, did you know? He literally radiated happiness, Seulgi! I canât believe it!â I exclaimed to my sister as we were leaving the venue, but quickly stopped myself from getting too hysterical over someone I just met.
âHe really is a charmer. I got the chills just standing next to him.â Seulgi smiled to herself, quite pleased that she was able to stand next to him, and then I realised all the hype over him. I was going to start watching the celebrity news show from now on. I was going to b-
âWait!â
I felt someone tap on my back and I turned around.
To be face to face with Park Jimin.
My bodyguard was going to push him away when I stopped him. Jimin looked out-of-breath.
âS-sorry for disturbing y-you. But, w-would you like to g-go out for lunch tomorrow? For w-work purposes, of course.â He asked as he caught his breath. I looked at his panting form, and my heart doubled in size.
Stop thinking of those things.
âYES!â I yelled, startling both him and Seulgi, making them jump a little.
âBut miss, tomorrow you have t-â
âCancel it!â I beamed at the glowing boy in front of me while trying to wave away my sister.
âUh, we can go another time if youâre bu-â He blushed a little, scratching the back of his head. My eyes widened and I immediately waved my hands frantically.
âNo, no! Itâs okay, tomorrow is fine. Iâm sure it isnât important.â I smiled at him again, and he reciprocated the happiness.
âOkay! Could I get your number?â He handed me his phone and I willingly took it from him, not minding that it had a bright pink phone case. I punched my numbers in and handed it back to him eagerly.
âThanks! Iâll text you later. See you tomorrow!â He bowed to me and walked back into the studio. By then, I felt like I was going to explode.
âYou know, youâre supposed to meet your father tomorrow. Are you sure you want to cancel?â Seulgi asked me cautiously. I stopped in my tracks, thinking of him.
Did l really have to choose between my father and Park Jimin?
âCancel the lunch appointment.â I sighed after a long time of just standing there. My sister made a sound of disapproval, but I ignored her and walked back to the car.
Park Jimin.
I went to Google him when I got home.
Actor, Presenter, Singer, Dancer
He seems really cool.
His fans love him because of his bubbly personality and kind words.
Seems legit.
Was in a band called BTS and was internationally known. However, the band disbanded due to unknown reasons. Whether the members are still close is still unknown.
He was in a band? Thatâs so hot.
Are you sure you want to read Park Jimin fanfic?
Iâve never been more sure in my life.
But, before I could click âyesâ, my phone buzzed in my pocket. My gasped and snatched the phone out a little too excitedly to be greeted with Jiminâs text message.
Jimin: hello! This is y/n right? Itâs Park Jimin. Are you able to meet at the dog cafe in Gangnam tomorrow at 1? xx
I am literally going to cry.
âYes!â I screamed at my phone and threw it onto my bed. I pumped my fists into the air in joy and threw myself onto my bed as well. âHe texted me!â
The next hour was just me doing some intensive research on Jimin for âwork purposesâ, or at least thatâs what I told my sister, until I realised that he didnât text me back. I picked my phone off the bed and read the message again. And then, it dawned on me.
I was the one who didnât text him back.
I cried out in horror and quickly typed out a short message to reply him and not seem rude.
Me: hello Jimin! Yep tmr at 1 is gud HAHAHAHA c u !!!!
Too informal?
Me: hello Jimin. Tomorrow at 1pm at the dog cafe will be splendid. Thank you for your time.
Too formal?
Me: hello Jimin! Yeah tomorrow at 1 will be good! Thanks and see you there!
I guess that will do.
And I pressed send, waiting for him to reply like I expected him to send me a message at the exact same moment I sent him one.
[read at 6:45pm]
Oh, okay then. Iâll see him tomorrow anyway.
And I spent the rest of my evening thinking about him.
âSo, is my dear y/n going on a date now?â Seokjin teased me as I looked for a dress.
âI think youâre a little too nosy today. Why are you peeking into my personal life? And Iâm hanging out with a friend.â I shook my head. âDo you have an outfit for me to wear today? His- I mean their favourite colour is blue, so I want to wear blue.â
âSo, you just diss me, and expect me to help you to impress some trick shot guy that might break your heart?â He crossed his arms.
âUgh, okay then. There isnât any, so Iâm just gonna take this weird purple dress.â I sighed, in hopes of winning him over using reverse psychology.
âThere are jeans in the bottom right drawer. And there are nice shirts somewhere in the top shelf I think.â Seokjin whispered to me, as if he didnât want to get caught trying to help me. I giggled at him and went to search for the clothes. I picked out a simple white shirt and ripped jeans.
âThank you, and sorry for the trouble.â I did a half-bow to him, actually relieved that he was here to help me. A small smile danced on his lips and I took it as a âyouâre welcomeâ and walked out to get changed.
âJimin! Hello!â I exclaimed as I got out of the car and saw him standing outside the cafe. He looked stunning as hell, with a long sleeved white sweater and black jeans that hugged his legs that were much prettier than my own, completed with a green beanie on his head.
âOh, hello y/n. Are you ready to go in?â He flashed me his signature smile, and I was at a loss for words yet again. All I could muster was a slight nod, and he took my hand and led me into the cafe.
Park. Jimin. Is. Holding. My. Hand.
As we entered the place, we were greeted by at least a million puppies, nipping and yapping at our feet. Or at least I was. The dogs didnât go near Jimin, strangely enough. I squealed at the cute puppies and picked some up to cuddle. Jimin tried picking one up, but it kind of growled at him, so he playfully growled back at it, making me giggle.
Many people in the cafe stared at Jimin and I, and I wasnât sure whether it was because of Jiminâs good looks, his fame, my actor status or the fact that we were together. BUt it didnât really bother me, I was just happy that I was with him at that moment.
With a puppy snoring on my lap and Jimin holding my hand in his, it was bliss.
âThis oneâs name is Bubbles, Jimin. Heâs super cute, look at his face!â I whispered to him, afraid to wake the sleeping pup. He nodded fondly and peered at the dogâs face.
âHe actually looks like my friendâs dog. I like him.â He nodded in approval and I smiled at him.
âI wonder why the puppies arenât coming to you. Maybe I should trust them.â I jokingly said with a small wink. He chuckled at my teasing words and picked a dog up.
âWhat secret do you know about me? Huh?â He lowered his voice, trying to seem manly. But, the dog squirmed in his hands, so he put it down and it scuttled away.
âSo, youâre an actress right? Iâve seen you in some dramas. Youâre really good.â He murmured to me, and I swear Iâve never blushed so hard.
âUh, iâm not very good. I just get casted in things for publicity, I guess.â I looked away from him in shame, not really wanting to talk about my career. âBut how about you, Mr. actor-slash-singer-slash-presenter-slash-dancer? Youâre multi-talented. Thatâs really cool.â
âIâm not that talented, come on. Youâre-â he laughed at me, but was interrupted by a girl tapping on his shoulder. The girl looked about 15, with plaited hair and braces, and she held a notebook with Jiminâs face on it.
âOppa-ya, could you sign this for me please?â She tilted her head to the side, making me want to laugh at her cute attempt of winning him over. He stared at the girl for a little while, and then magically whipped a pen out of thin air and signed her book. The girl was obviously really happy, as she squealed with joy when he handed the book back to her, and she went away skipping.
âI think that we should leave here and we can go to my house to chill out. Itâs about a five minute walk from here. What do you say?â He suggested, and I willingly nodded, reluctantly carrying the sleeping puppy on my lap to his bed, and we left.
âTodayâs weather is really nice, donât you think?â I said it mostly to myself, but he hummed in response. I felt his hand brush against mine, and I laced my fingers in his. My cheeks were burning, but I could blame that on the weather.
And there we were, walking down Gangnam Street, ignoring all the surprised netizens and flashing of cameras. His expression looked a little strained, and I felt like mine was too, but when I looked at him all my worries melted away like ice cream on a hot summer day. He looked so beautiful in the bright sunlight, contrary to the sharp wind that tangled my hair and made me look like I was going very red.
We walked all the way until we reached a very tall, very modern building, and into a lift that took us to the penthouse. Once I stepped into his apartment, my mouth hung open. I couldnât think straight looking at all that expensive looking furniture, and the five other beautiful men sitting on a couch that looked like it was bought with all the money I had earned.
âAh, there they are! Iâd like to meet my friends.â He squeezed my hand, and I had never been more glad that his seater covered his hands, because my hands were sweating.
Itâs only been one date, and heâs introducing his friends to me now? This is going a little too fast, but I shouldnât say anything.
âGuys, this is y/n. Remember her from that drama Temptation? Yeah, she was playing the young Park Jiwoo.â He asked the five men, and all of them sat up and nodded their heads.
âY/n, the one in blue is Namjoon-hyung, the one in black is Yoongi-hyung, the one in green is Hoseok-hyung, the one in white is Jungkook and the other one in black is Taehyung.â He introduced, and I gave a polite bow to all of them. They all nodded to me, besides Taehyung and Jungkook who gave me an enthusiastic âhello!â each.
âIâm so sorry, I actually have to leave for a little bit, I have to settle some stuff with the producer of my evening show. Iâll only be gone for two hours at most. Would you like to stay here, or do you want me to take you home right now?â He said, not looking up from his phone.
âUm, I think I can stay here and wait for you,â I beamed at him, and he looked up at me and beamed back.
âGreat! Guys, please treat her well and donât scare her away.â He turned on his heels and came dangerously close to my face. âIâll see you in a bit, okay?â He whispered to me, and his lips brushed my cheek. I felt a tingle run down my spine and I nodded furiously. And he smirked and left.
I stood awkwardly at the entrance of the apartment, facing the five guys. They gave me a small nod, and gestured for me to sit with them. I gulped and moved my wooden legs to sit on the comfiest couch iâve ever sat on.
âSo, y/n, how old are you? Are you a 95 liner like Jiminie?â The one in blue asked me. Namjoon, was it?
âUh, I-iâm a 95 liner, yeah.â I stuttered, trying to hide my increasing nerves.
âDonât be nervous, we donât bite,â Hoseok chuckled, and I felt the need to smile along.
âSo, are you and hyung going to get married? I like you, you seem really nice!â Jungkook blurted out, earning him a light smack on his arm by one of his hyungs.
âUm,â I coughed, expressing my nervousness. âWeâve only been on one date, so I donât so as of now.â
âI think you guys are making her nervous, you guys should go now.â Yoongi told the rest in a monotonous voice. They all grumbled, but did as he said, and I said my silent thanks to Yoongi for helping me. He stayed on the couch, though, but I didnât really mind.
âIâm Yoongi, if you forgot.â I nodded at him, confident that his name was the easiest to remember. âYou donât need to call me Oppa, if that was what you were thinking.â He clarified, and even though I wasnât thinking about that, I nodded along.
After that awkward first words, we started talking. About our likes, dislikes, favourite things and least favourite things. He was surprisingly easy to talk to, and surprisingly relatable as well. We had many things in common, and we mostly talked about music. He liked rap and hip hop, so did I. I even let him listen to some of my songs that I had recorded for fun, and he gave me a stamp of approval.
âWow, should I be honoured that THE Min Yoongi gave me a thumbs up on my joke song?â I giggled, and he flashed me a gummy smile that I never thought that I would ever see.
âYes, yes you should.â
But, before I could show Yoongi my other joke song, Jimin came in from the lift and sat beside me.
âYou seem really comfortable here, thatâs a good sign. Would you like to stay for dinner? I think Jungkook is cooking glazed sweet potatoes, and itâs really an interesting experience to eat that.â He asked me, looking at me with those gorgeous eyes and I immediately nodded without thinking.
âGreat, Iâll be in the kitchen for a bit. Iâll be back.â His hand lingered on my arm a little too long, and I felt my blush creeping up to my cheeks again. Yoongi had also gotten up to go to the bathroom, so I was alone in the living room.
I took my phone out to check the time, when I saw the twenty-one missed calls and fifteen messages Seulgi had sent me. I sighed and rubbed my temples, worrying that Seulgi was going to overworry. I called her back and held my breath, preparing myself for a big scolding from her. She was working for me, but I was still her younger sister.
âUnnie?â I whispered into the phone, and I heard her cry out in frustration.
âFirst, you donât answer my calls, and now youâre suddenly calling me unnie? I was so worried for you! You just ignored my calls, and I had to do everything myself! Where are you right now? Iâll send someone to pick you up.â
âSeulgi, please. Iâm fine. Iâm at Jiminâs house, itâs fine! But, can I stay for dinner? Please, they asked and I already said yes.â I pleaded into the phone, not caring that Jimin had entered the room and sat on the space next to me.
âYou have so much to do tonight, what are you doing being at his house for so long? You have to send emails to-â
âYay, thanks Seulgi! I love you very much! Iâll be home before ten and Iâll have plenty of time to finish up my work thank you! See you, I love you!â I dragged out my last word before hanging up on her and exhaling very loudly. Jimin pet my head, and I instinctively leaned towards him and lay my head on his shoulder.
âEwww~ You guys have only been on one date, and youâre already so lovey-dovey.â Jungkook came into the room wearing an apron that said âkiss the kookâ and a very disgusted expression. I was going to comment on the youngerâs cute words, but Jimin beat me to it.
âDate? What date?â
I felt my heart break into two.
He said it with such confusion, that I couldnât tell whether he was joking or not.
Jungkookâs eyes widened, making him look more like a child. He blinked at us awkwardly for a moment, but quickly came to his senses. âDinner is ready, yâall can come now.â
Jimin got up and pulled me to my feet, and we made our way to the dining room together, but I suddenly lost all appetite.
He didnât see today as a date? Then what did he think it was?
But, I pushed all my negative thoughts aside to be replaced by the glorious food in front of me. Not only could he âkookâ, he could also cook.
We spent dinner talking about everything we could think of, and trying to pry the sweet potatoes off the plate. It was Jungkookâs special dish when everyone was sad or during a happy occasion, they told me, and I smiled at them.
After that day, Jimin and I became closer and closer. I ignored his words that hurt me before, and I tried to move on.
Maybe he just was trying to protect his dignity.
He texted a lot, and we called and video called a lot as well. We talked about everything, from good things to bad things, but we were never at a lost for words. We never got bored while talking, nor did we run out of things to say. Conversation flowed really well, and sometimes I felt myself wondering why I had ever doubted him for being a dick.
I talked a lot to Yoongi, as well. He was someone I could talk to comfortably without it getting too awkward. Our similar taste in music usually took the wheel in our conversations, we recommended music to each other and that strengthened our friendship.
Jimin and I went on a few more âdatesâ, or whatever he thought they were. We went out to eat, I went to his house to watch a romantic movie, we went shopping together, and many more things that I really cherished.
There were too many news articles about us to ignore, but Jimin didnât seem to be bothered.
âItâs going to die out soon if we donât address it, itâll be okay.â He flashed that award-winning eye smile again, winning me over in a snap of a finger.
The news articles didnât bother me, though. It was the number of news articles surrounded around our âpending relationshipâ. All of them said the same thing, all talking about how people saw us around together, holding hands and asking if the fans thought we would be a good couple or not. Most of the comments said we would be the cutest celebrity couple, and I didnât deny them.
We were busy, I had a new drama that I was working on and he had his presenting career, but we made it work. We carved out time in between shoots to see each other, and even if we couldnât see each other in person, we would call or text.
And every day, I fell more and more in love with him.
I couldnât help it, it just happened. It hit me one day out of the blue. I didnât just like him, I loved him. He brought so much happiness into my life, and introduced me to so many people that I wouldnât ever trade for the world. I felt like if I ever let him go, all these things would suddenly disappear from my life, leaving me stranded in my own pit of loneliness and self-pity.
I also clung onto the hope that he would love me back.
Even when everything came crashing down.
So, I was close to two people in his friend group, Taehyung and Yoongi, and I really trusted the both of them. So, I told them my secret.
âI think iâm in love with Jimin.â
Taehyung spat his drink out onto the coffee table in front of him.
âHuh? What do you mean? You love Jimin? Are you sure this isnât infatuation?â He spluttered out, probably very shocked at my sudden confession. Yoongi held his cam and cool exterior, so i didnât really know what he was thinking at the moment.
âI donât think itâs infatuation. Every time I go near him, or think of him, or talk to him, my heart begins to flutter. Itâs not under my control, if I could I would definitely not want to feel like this, but I do. When we talk, I get excited over small things. I can feel it in my bones, Tae. have you ever felt this way about a woman?â
âNot about a woman,â he blushed and turned to face the back.
âY/n-ah. Congrats on finding love and everything, but hereâs the thing: do you want a relationship with him? Otherwise, all this is irrelevant.â He bluntly stated, making Taehyung shift in his seat and making me feel a little uneasy.
He had put it harshly, but he was right. So what if I found love but didnât want a relationship? Did I really want to spend a long time, possibly the rest of my life, with this man?
âYeah, I guess I do.â
âOkay, then good for you.â Yoongi curtly nodded and went back to scrolling through his phone. Taehyung seemed a little off, but quickly whipped out his phone and started scrolling too.
Was it so wrong that I loved him?
Me: Jimin-ah!I have about 2 hrs before our next shoot tgt! Would you like to come over or I can go over as well :^)
Jimin â¤ď¸: busy.
Me: We can go to the venue together :^)
Jimin â¤ď¸: canât. sorry.
And thatâs when it all came crashing down.
He hadnât been like this before, why was he acting so cold towards me all of a sudden? Oh, cmon y/n, itâs just a text message, maybe heâs in a meeting. Youâll see him during filming.
And I did see him during filming, but he didnât see me.
âJimin!â I called out to him and waved. He looked back, but looked away just as fast. His pace quickened as he disappeared into his changing room. I was left there, hurt and very confused.
Our characters did not have much interaction except for one scene. And we were going to film that one scene that day. It was a comedy drama about two colleagues fighting for the head position but end up falling in love later in the story. He was playing the boyâs overprotective friend, who causes a lot of problems later in the story, but is checking the girl out to see if she is âworthy enoughâ to date his friend.
âYa, are you the idiot who is dating my best friend?â He coughed into his fist, already fully into the character.
âAre you using informal language with me? We donât even know each other.â I snapped back, wavering a little under his strong gaze.
âYa, listen up, Iâve heard that Iâm older than you. So back off.â He squinted at me.
âLook, I donât even know you. Iâm just here t-â
âYou know, youâre really pretty. Easily the most beautiful woman Iâve ever seen.â Jimin winked at me, and I desperately searched for any signs of genuinity in what he just said. After his character had said that line, my character was supposed to throw her cup at him, but I was too busy âlooking for loveâ that I totally forgot what to do and screwed the scene up.
When the director yelled cut and we returned to our original positions, I thought I saw him roll his eyes, but I chose to ignore it.
We did the scene one more time, and we wrapped it up perfectly.
âHey, Jimin, you were really good!â I tapped him on the shoulder and smiled at him. The corners of his lips turned up a little, and I took this as a good sign.
âYou too.â He nodded at me and walked away.
Well, it could have been worse. He could have totally ignored me, but he didnât. Does this mean that he likes me, just a little?
I spent the rest of my day smiling and thinking of him.
But as we got further and further into the filming, he ignored me more and more, and interacted with me only when it was necessary. We stopped texting regularly, and he stopped asking me out to hang. We kind of just stopped everything we had.
But, I still prayed and hoped that he had some feelings for me, because I sure did have feelings for him.
I started hanging out with Yoongi more than him, and we would just sit and talk about anything and everything under the sun. But, I needed to ask him about Jimin.
âYoongi-ah, do you think Jimin thinks that I like him? Is that why heâs acting so strange?â
âOh, he knows that you like him.â
What?
âWhat? Who told him?â I yelled, running over to his side. âOh my god, I canât fucking breathe. Iâm going to faint.â I started hyperventilating and everything looked a little blurry.
âI think it would be best if you didnât faint on me,â he said with a serious tone, but I could tell that he was a little worried. âI heard Jungkook talking about it to Hoseok, that Jimin knows that you like him. I didnât tell him, if youâre wondering. And I donât think Taehyung did either. Besides, I donât think heâs acting strange on purpose. Iâve known Jimin for eight years now, heâs a genuine dude. He wouldnât hurt someone intentionally. Heâs just a little oblivious.â
âDo you think that he will forget about this?â I looked up at Yoongi with tears ready to spill out at any negative response Yoongi was forming in his head.
âI honestly think that he will. It might take a while, but heâll eventually forget it and everything will go back to normal. Jimin doesnât hold grudges easily, and I think that heâll understand later on. But we will save that story for a time when weâre all old. You can still have feelings for him, nobodyâs going to stop you. And you know, maybe heâll like you back, but I canât decide that for him. You just have to be patient and see what happens.â He reassured me, holding my chin up to face him as my warm tears glided down my cheeks in silence. âBut for now, letâs go get some ice cream to calm you down a little. And letâs bring Seulgi along, I think she feels a little left out sometimes.â He stood up, and pulled me to my feet. He draped an arm around my shoulder and I buried my face into his shoulder.
âThanks Yoongi.â
âItâs going to be okay.â
With Yoongiâs blessing, I continued to harbour feelings for Jimin. Seeing as I saw him almost every other day, I thought about him a lot. As I saw him acting, I thought about how he was so talented. His character was basically the comic relief, he made me laugh until my sides hurt. He never failed to make my day, and I hoped that my scenes made his day as well.
I would try to initiate conversation and we would occasionally have a short conversation about anything we wanted to talk about. I was really happy when he replied to my messages, I sometimes would screenshot our messages and show them to Seulgi so she could fangirl over the fact that I was friends with her celebrity crush.
âY/n, can I be super honest?â She asked me once while looking at our messages. I was sitting on the couch, eagerly waiting for her reaction.
âYeah, sure.â
âHe seems like heâs replying with very little effort. You see, you typed such a long message here, and all he replied you with was a âcoolâ. I think youâre putting in too much effort into this, little sis. You might want to back down a little, give the dude some space for a bit and try again.â She sighed, and I felt a little bit of anger boiling up inside of me, not sure whether it was because of her blunt words, or the fact that I had suspected it as well.
âSeulgi, I donât think you should butt into things like this anymore.â I murmured, taking my phone from her and slinking back to my room, locking the door behind me. I flopped onto my bed and had a long, silent cry. Â
I could sense that he wasnât really putting in much effort, but he replied me. He could have ignored me.
As the months passed by, my love for him grew stronger, he pushed me away more and more, until we stopped talking altogether. I didnât really like the distance between us, even if we saw each other regularly, and I kind of slipped into a slump. I was constantly lethargic, I had massive headaches and I felt a little numb to all emotions. Sometimes, I would lie on my bed, body ridden with insomnia, thinking about him, about us. What we were. But sometimes, I cried myself to sleep, as dramatic as that sounds.
My heart ached for him, I felt empty without him, and when I was with him, I felt heartbroken. I didnât know how or what to feel. There were a few thoughts of self-harm running through my mind, and I did attempt to do it, but when I picked up the blunt butter knife, I couldnât hurt myself. There was something in me screaming that it was a bad idea, and I would just end up sitting on the ground, unharmed on the outside but broken on the inside. I mentioned these things to Yoongi, and he was very supportive even though he didnât quite understand.
âYoongi, I feel really bad right now. Is this normal?â
âY/n-ah. You shouldnât feel bad. Like I told you, Iâm very sure that Jimin doesnât know that heâs hurting you. I wonât tell him so you wonât be ashamed, but I donât think that this is something you want to keep up with. Itâs very problematic and itâs taking a very obvious toll on you. You look so thin, and your eyes are dull. Take a little break of filming is what I think you should do.â He continued to talk but I couldnât really hear him anymore.
I looked down at myself, my wrists, my thighs, my stomach. All of them seemed thinner than normal. But that was just because I had no appetite, I wasnât bulimic or anorexic, I simply just didnât feel like eating. But why?
There were so many articles talking about how thin I was. My fans were very supportive, telling me to be strong and be healthier, but they didnât know what this felt like. Only I did.
And thatâs when I decided that I was going to get over him.
I knew that it was going to be difficult and extremely painful for me, but this ârelationshipâ I had in my head was obviously not going to happen in real life. I didnât blame Jimin at all, it was not his fault, neither was it mine. But sometimes, things just happen, or they donât.
âIâm going to get over him, Iâve been stuck in this crush for too long already. Itâs almost been a year and a half, I think Iâm ready to stop.â Tears welled up in my eyes as I told Yoongi, and I had no intention of holding them back.
âIâm here for you.â
So, from then on, I promised myself that I would get over him. Every time I thought of him, I would mentally slap myself and think of something else, which sort of worked, but my mind would naturally gravitate back to him like a paperclip to some sort of magnet, and I had to repeat the process, leaving me mentally and physically drained by the end of the day.
I was a pretty vocal person, so I decided to talk to Yoongi about it. He was a good listener, quiet and sturdy, and he sat quietly next to me, hearing all my feelings through text or in person. Sometimes he gave me advice, which was mostly to naturally get over him, but most of the time he just sat there listening intently.
I tried talking to my other friends as well, leaving his name as a blank, but they all gave me the same response: if you want to get over him, just stop talking about him, that way you wonât think about him as much. But I already thought about him on a daily basis, so what was the difference if I shut up?
I couldnât breathe.
All the air in my body felt like it was being sucked out. I felt like dying.
I just got home from a photoshoot that went terribly wrong because the camera director thought that I was not the right model and started throwing a fit. It turned out okay in the end, at least he didnât hurt me, but it still hurt my feelings.
As my car was pulling up into my driveway, I felt nauseous. I bolted out of the car and ran straight for the toilet, where I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl. NOt that there was much to empty, though.
I just sat on the ground, and reality hit me. Getting over him was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I had done many crazy things to prepare for a role, like egg someoneâs house to study their reaction, cut my hair unevenly to see what the media would say about me, and hug random strangers on the street to see what they would do.
None of them was as hard as staying conscious while having a panic attack.
And there I was, on the floor of my bathroom, having a panic attack. My breathing was rapid and shallow, and I couldnât think straight. All my thoughts flew out the window, but the thought of Jimin stayed with me, comforting and hurting me at the same time.
I started hysterically crying, and Seulgi started banging on the door. Everything was blurry and disoriented, like I was looking through a fisheye lens. I slammed my head on the wall a few times, trying to knock some sense into myself as I hyperventilated, but it didnât work.
I was a mess, sobbing on the damp floor, eyes bulged out, gasping for air and comfort.
What do I do? What did I do? I canât breathe.
I tried counting the number of light bulbs in the room to take my mind off this attack, but everything became blurrier, and I had to focus on staying conscious.
My trembling hands reached out for my phone in my pocket, I had no energy to grab so I just dragged it out and held it. It looked like it was vibrating, but it was just me.Â
I dialed the first number that came to mind and held it next to my ear.
âYeoboseyo?â
âYoongi, panic, attack, please, help.â I wheezed into the phone.
âSquare breathe. Four in, four hold, four out, four hold. Iâll be there, just wait for me.â
He arrived at my house with a stuffed bear and a concerned expression. I stared at him from the mountain of blankets I had buried myself under.
Seulgi had managed to open the door to the bathroom and saw me crying on the floor. She immediately managed to get me up as I was too tired to resist and brought me to my room. She was in the kitchen making me a warm drink, and I thanked the gods for my wonderful and caring sister.
âWhat happened?â Yoongi said as he set the bear down.
âYoongi, I donât know what to do.â I hiccuped and closed my eyes to soothe the headache I felt coming on. âI really want to get over him, but I feel...I feel like...I donât know how to explain it. But, I really love him. And when I try to forget him, it hurts. And when I think of him, it hurts. Yoongi, I am hurting. My heart is hurting. I canât do this. Iâve never been in this much pain in my life.â I started crying all over again, but this time it wasnât hysterical. It was the silent type, where tears just fell from your eyes, making you hurt even more. My nails dug into my skin, making little crescent indents into my arm.
I was going through so much, with the fame and now this. I couldnât take it. It was too difficult.
âYoongi, iâm in so much pain. I want to hurt myself, but I canât. I canât do that to myself. I canât continue with life like this, Yoongi, I canât.â
I looked up and saw tears rolling down his pale cheeks, but he didnât make an effort to wipe them away.
âItâs going to be okay.â
1 year later
âJimin-ah! Is that you?â I yelled out, and he turned around to face me. A grin spread across his face like wildfire, and he walked towards me with a spring in his step.
âY/n! How have you been? I havenât seen you lin like a year!â He stepped forward and embraced me. I felt the urge to wriggle out of his touch, but I took a deep breath and hugged him back. It felt good.
âIâve been good, a little busy with filming and photoshoots, but otherwise good! We should meet up sometime to hang out.â Â I smiled at him warmly, and he returned the smile with a genuine one. But, after a while, his smile faded a little, and there was a glint of worry in his eyes.
âY/n, I need to tell you something.â He held my hands, and my breath quickened a little.
âYoongi told me about what happened last year. About, you know, me and you.â He scratched the back of his neck nervously. âI just wanted to apologise. I swear I didnât intentionally hurt you. I was just a little freaked that a beautiful girl like you would love an idiot like me, so I wanted to distance myself a little. I didnât know that I would end up hurting you. I was so immature and I really just want to start over with you. Do you forgive me?â
âHmm,â I pretended to think, picking at my nails, teasing him a little. âIâd have to think about that. But do you know what will make me make my decision faster? Us hanging out, sometime next week? Iâll call you.â I gave him a playful thumbs up, and he laughed as he shook his head.
âOf course, weâll arrange a date.â
âItâs settled then.â I did a playful bow to him and started to skip away, but dipped my head backwards to say something before I left.
âHey Jimin,â I called to him and he raised his head to look at me with confusion. âRemember when I was whipped for your ass?â He tilted his head and I flashed him a cheeky smile.
âYeah, me neither.â
#bangtan bookclub#bt-yes-network#btssunshinenet#bts fluff#bts angst#jimin x reader#jimin fluff#jimin angst#bts jimin#park jimin#i hope yall like it !!
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censorship, teenage love, and fandom
content warnings for this post: mentions of abuse, rape, sex between minors
proceed with cautionÂ
in a little bit iâm about to do a thread on twitter about my fave* subject: rape, abuse, and survivors using it in their fanfics to cope
(*iâm lying this isnât my fave subject i donât wanna talk about it but i feel like i have to so people know where i stand on this subject)
anyway, highlights from my last rant about censorship in fandom after i saw this post about how 20 year olds are basically children which...no...that is not how it works?Â
iâm not trying to come across as like someone who supports adult/minor relationships irl or in fiction but i am very, very, very confused by this sudden thing of people CALLING THEIR LAWYERS over fictional relationships or asking if someone writing minors having sex is illegal...
have...yall not read any published ya fiction lately? no, donât answer that. i was informed that people wanna see ya writers who have written their characters having sex in jail for various reasons.Â
there is a clear difference betweenÂ
tom (17) and mary (17) having sex and having a loving relationship than tom (17) and april (28) having sex and a very, very questionable relationship? like one relationship is hopefully equal since theyâre around the same age (who knows if theyâre truly any good for each other) while the other is CLEARLY a predatory relationship due to the inherent power difference between tom--aka a young person still in high school--and april--aka an adult woman who is very, very far away from high school and old enough to be tomâs teacher???Â
this isnât to say that age gaps canât exist in relationships both in fiction and in real life but i stand by my opinion that no one under 20-21 should be dating anyone more than a few years older than them because no one under 21 (at least in the united states where i live and why i picked 20-21) is completely expected by our society to have their shit together. i know i didnât at those ages. i wouldnât have dreamed of dating someone who was 30 because of how much of a power difference would have been at play just...these things are valid concerns, okay? but...thatâs just my opinion.Â
MOVING ON: teenagers need to see fiction--and i make the argument today that fanfiction is a form of fiction--that accurately represents the teenage experience.Â
a lot of ya novels are written by people who are way, way past their teenage years. a lot of fanfiction however is written by people who are just a bit closer to being teens themselves if not still considered teenagers! i think this is really, really something incredible because the younger, closer you are to a teenager the more youâre going to *get* what it means to be a teen and *get* how to write the complexity of a teenage romance.Â
teenagers need to be able to see what a healthy and not healthy and outright dysfunctional or even abusive relationship(s) look like because i think fiction can be very, very educational.Â
this isnât me saying something like âfiction impacts real lifeâ or even saying âfiction doesnât impact real lifeâ.Â
what i am saying is the following (and iâll probably expand on this more in my survivors using fiction to cope thread):Â
youâre being really, really silly if you think that fiction is not informed by real life and real people AND youâre also being really, really silly if you think that fiction cannot then inform real life and real people. which sounds like what i just said i WASNâT going to say but hear me out.Â
fandoms, as i argued in a recent thread, are reflections of the larger society due to the fact that theyâre subcultures in that society. that thread in particular talks about racism in fandoms but today iâm talking about sex and teenage sexuality.Â
i just am very confused and concerned with fandom culture arming themselves and deciding to purge creators who donât fit into an very shifting and charging set of criteria? and i mean purge as in an actual fucking purge.Â
listen my entire argument in this post is the following: there is nothing wrong with two teenagers who are around the same age having sex.Â
BUT if you click on that thread youâll see i continued with my statements
so...how is that going to be done if we purge creators who are doing exactly that from the community? just because you donât like the fact that theyâre writing about a topic doesnât mean they canât write about it? especially since fiction is highly subjective and open to interpretation and how you might see this as âromanticizing abusive relationships because character a doesnât leave b at the endâ the author and other readers might see it as âan accurate portrayal of an abusive relationship and the struggle to leaveâ for an example.Â
i think the whole argument of âfiction doesnât impact realityâ vs âfiction does impact realityâ isnât taking the âcreators who are writing this are part of a society and have biases and agendasâ into consideration when they make those statements? because that adds a depth that i think that WHOLE debate is missing.Â
--sk
#kei musings#text#kei fandom misadventures#long post#im trying to come up with five tags so this doesn't go into the tumblr search#is that five tags? or was it six....#fandom meta#okay to reblog#my 2 cents#censorship#teenage sexuality#kei twitter adventures#kei opinions
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