#xani green

[caramelcoeur]

This must be what thrill feels like, darling! Eventually, I fall into you...

You attack my heart!!!

Gif version of Xani below!

[inndelible]

Shannon x Xani

Happy 2024!! Here's hoping it'll be a good year. I have a lot of personal growth I want to work on as well as some creative projects, so I'll try to be optimistic!

I started playing Heart Fragment back in the demo days but it's been a while since I've played, so I spent the last couple days of 2023 getting back into it and playing Shannon's route and??? I already loved her??? But now I can romance her??? And somehow I love her even more??? I've only reached one of her endings and I can't wait to get the others. Number 1 Shannon stan ~

Anyways I just started this blog this year and only started posting a lot really recently, but I'm so grateful for all the love I've already received. Every time I see a comment, reblog, new tags, likes, all of it makes me smile. I see it all and I couldn't be more grateful. I hope 2024 is a good year for us all!

– Yomi ♡

[gamequoteshowdown]

Quote 1: "What am I supposed to do if you keep secrets from me too?! You're supposed to be the one that gives me answers! Just tell me what's going on. Don't you... don't you get it, Kay...!? I need you right now...!" - Xani Green, Heart Fragment

Quote 2: "I’m sorry, Lloyd. Even though you’re crying for me, and I’m happy; so happy I want to cry...but I can’t anymore. I’m sorry...!" - Colette Brunel, Tales of Symphonia

Propaganda

Quote 1: Our protag here isn't notorious for openly sharing their emotions :p For context, Xani's friend 'Kay' goes missing and if Xani has a high enough friendship with him, he'll appear in their dreams. They try to talk as they usually would if it weren't for him going missing. But alas, fate plots against them and Kay eventually fades from the dream before managing to give Xani the clarity they needed to know if he is safe. With every line, Kay further fades from the screen and Xani is desperately trying to say something, anything that will reach him. On that last line, Xani finally bursts into tears before the dream abruptly ends. Already, this shows Xani's development and shows how much they value Kay as a person because when compared to when they first met, Xani wasn't as willing to open up as much as they would here so this moment of vulnerability really sets up the emotional conflict <3

Quote 2: No propaganda submitted :(

@pastelpinkmomoi @ultimafangirl

[otomegamesandme]

Top 3 Otomes Played in 2022

Hey hey, it's that time again! 2022 wasn't a gaming year in any sense of the word, and I didn't play/finish that many otomes. That's why unlike last year, this is just going to be 3 titles instead of 5! With an included bonus of demos for indie titles I played that I'm looking forward to in the future!

3. ITYH

This was one of the first ones I played this year and it was a wild ride. Horror is one of my favorite genres, so whenever I see a new horror otome I always pick them up. Both of the main characters being unlikable was fun, and each ending brought something new to the overall story. I usually tend not to care much for yandere/monstrous love interests, but this one just worked for me. If you're ok with kidnapping, murder, cannibalism, and really toxic relationships, I recommend.

2. Variable Barricade

And on the complete opposite spectrum, we have Variable Barricade. I feel like a lot of the big otome releases this year just weren't hitting for me, but this one was a lot of fun. I have my grievances with Ichiya's route (specifically how male SA/rape was handled, plus it felt like it came out of no where amidst the general comedic tone of the game), but all the other routes were so much fun. Nayuta and Shion are some of my favorite love interests, I love them so much. I also love the main character, she was so funny and seeing her have to deal with a group of idiots was exactly what I needed during the midst of college graduation earlier this year.

1. Heart Fragment

The otome of all otomes honestly. This isn't just a favorite of the year, this has the potential to be my favorite otome of all time depending on how Book 3 and the Finale go. I'm not sure how to describe the plot of this? Xani Green realizes they have strange mutant abilities and this leads them to wanting to learn about herself and her dead mother's past. It's a unique blend of genres, but the main focus is really on the main character's struggles, and wow I have not related to a main character more in my life. Xani is prickly and closed off and they have every reason to be due to everything they've been through. A lot of their growth is learning how to let others in and how to trust people and that there are people worth trusting. All the routes were also fantastic. Clive, Kay, and Shannon mean everything to me actually, and I related to their struggles so much. Big sis Lana was also an A+ character. My favorite part about this though is that it feels almost like a puzzle. The more endings you get and routes you play the more you piece together about the overall plot. I could rant about this game forever, but I'm going to stop here. This game might not be for everyone, but I do implore everyone to give it a chance. The first book is free, and I think if it clicks with you, it really will click.

Demos played/Full Releases I'm looking forward to

Obscura: The Dark Descent by Rotten Racoons

Our Life 2 by GB Patch

Diffraction by Mellowdrawmatic

[goldfinwrites]

Xani rolled over, wincing as their elbow slammed against the wood floor, before staring blankly at the ceiling. Kay was sleeping on their bed, and they could hear him breathing irregularly. Another nightmare, they figured, and felt an uncomfortable numbness instead of worry. They cared about Kay, Xani reminded themself, and got up as he let out a sharp gasp.

“Hey, Kay…” Xani shook his shoulder, trying to wake him up.

He groaned, still asleep.

“Kay…” Xani whispered louder, trying again.

He jerked away, bolting upright, panting. “Don’t…”

“Kay, it’s me. It’s okay.”

“Xani…?” His voice was still drowsy, but he calmed down. “I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?’

“No, I couldn’t sleep. Another nightmare?”

“Mmm.” He nodded, placing his hand over Xani’s, which was still on his shoulder. “Sorry for making you wake me.”

“It’s alright.” Xani held his hand gently and shifted to sit on the bed next to him. “Did you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay.” Xani mentally fished around for something else to say. “Do you think you’ll be able to go back to sleep?”

“In a little bit. For now, can you just talk?”

“About what?”

“Yourself! Maybe a story from when you were little?”

Xani hesitated, but gave in to Kay’s smile, dimly visible under the scattered moonlight. They started to share a memory from when Lana had taken them to the library. They had wanted a specific movie, one a classmate had talked about at school, and she was happy to indulge them. The movie wasn’t available, but Lana had helped them find another one. She had gone all out to set up a movie night, making popcorn and buying pizza.

Xani paused, unsure of how to continue, and felt Kay squeeze their hand.

“My, um, mom had come home before the movie ended. So we ended up watching it all together, the three of us.” The sentences felt like unspooling a tangled ball of yarn. “And I fell asleep before the credits, so her and Lana had to pick everything up.”

Kay waited until Xani was finished. “That sounds nice.”

“Yeah.”

An uncomfortable pause.

“Uh, ready for bed again?” The words sounded thin and hollow.

“Well…” Kay trailed off, then shifted over. “Um, if it’s not a problem, could you stay? Like just sleep here?”

Xani froze, then forced their mouth to move. “S- Okay. If that would help.” Their heart beat wildly inside their ribcage and they swallowed, feeling mild nausea rolling in their stomach. They needed to be there for him, even if he had gotten way clingier recently in a way that made their skin itch.

“Thanks. I’m… sorry for being such a burden all the time.”

Xani’s throat felt clogged. “You’re not a burden.” They were lying, but didn’t know how else to phrase the jumble of thoughts that buzzed in their head.  

They crawled in next to Kay, ignoring how uncomfortably warm the bed was. The covers moved with every rise and fall of his chest and the edges of his hair tickled their own. “Better?”

Kay hummed, quietly. “Yeah, thanks. And sorry. Again.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” It’s my fault. Not yours.

“S- yeah.” Kay rolled onto his side. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

Xani stared at the ceiling again, trying to make sense of the man next to them. He had been a burden, but they knew agreeing with him would only make him upset. Him being a burden wasn’t as bad as he seemed to think it was, really. Especially because they wanted him back, had wanted him back badly enough to erase, destroy, kill, murder Clive and Jasper to do it. No matter how much trouble Kay put them through, they couldn’t leave him alone. He was suffering because of their selfishness.

Their heart had sunk to the base of their stomach. Did they make the right choice? They cared about Kay, enough that it hurt, but was forcing him to be like this, lost and aching, worth it? With or without his memory, Kay was still Kay, they had decided. But the way he stuck to them, only wanting the same things they did, trying to mold himself to them, carved an ugly scar into their chest. They wanted Kay, not a sycophant suppressing his personality to please them.

Neither of them were happy with this sick compromise from that stupid, lying goddess. But Xani knew how to take accountability for their decisions, so they would stay with Kay as long as he wanted them. The way he attached himself to them, whining when they left even for a minute, made them uncomfortable, but they knew he was desperately seeking solace in the only person that linked the conglomeration of identities inside of him.

Even when Gray had insisted on the daily calls, they knew even if Jasper reappeared to hurt them, they wouldn’t pry themselves away from Kay. They refused to tell either their father or Kay, though, knowing both would get angry and argue about their lack of self-preservation. Would it not be their penitence to suffer as Kay is, though, for selfishly wishing him back, even if they didn’t know the full cost?

Kay had fallen asleep, so Xani sat up and looked at him. He was curled up towards the wall, his small frame unwound from the earlier tension. They reached out, gently placing a hand on his head.

“I’m so sorry, Kay.” Xani whispered, knowing he couldn’t hear them. “I’m so unbelievably sorry.”

They withdrew their hand, their breath coming in short breaths as their body shook. Tears threatened to spill out the corners of their eyes, but they dug their nails into their palm. Xani refused to cry, especially not near Kay, who needed them to be strong, at least for now, until he pieced himself back together. Pressing their jaw shut, they inhaled and exhaled slowly through their nose until their vision cleared.

Whatever combination of Kay, Clive, and Jasper that the man next to them stitched himself into, Xani knew they would care about him until their heart stopped. They had tried to let him know it was okay to not try and replace the past version of Kay, to be his own Kay, but couldn’t find the words to convince him that they would still love the person he wanted to be.

This was temporary, and Xani gripped that thought tightly enough to make themself bleed. Gray and Lana could find a good therapist for him. Everything would be okay. Kay would be okay. All they needed to do was hold everything in place until then.

“Everything will be okay.” They spoke quietly into the darkness of their room before laying back down. They closed their eyes. “I’ll make everything okay.”

[heartfragment]

Gray texting male Xani/MC, basically:

[hoverdreamer]

couldn’t resist doing another fanart for @heartfragment so here’s a transparent Xani! 

[necro-lust]

[blerdyotome]

Indie Spotlight: Heart Fragment

Starfield Gaming @heartfragmentvn just launched the KS campaign for their psychological mystery indie otome, Heart Fragment! Check out the deets on the game in my latest Indie Spotlight over on Blerdy Otome!

Hey  Blerdy Tribe!! There’s a brand new Kickstarter campaign for the complete edition of the psychological mystery indie otome game Heart Fragments from Starfield Gaming that needs our support! Follow Xani Green, a young woman whose world is turned upside-down when she discovers that strange supernatural powers. Currently Book One: Fantasy is available for $10.00 and includes Kay and Clive’s…

[caramelcoeur]

HF DTIYS &lt;3

The café was offering a couples' discount for their drinks and Clive and Xani were determined to get that discount... here comes the fake dating just for that discount (or is it not so fake at all..?)

I started this DTIYS because I would love to see more fellow fan-artists bonding over Heart Fragment!! If you haven't played it yet, please do- it's an incredibly immersive VN and there are just so many features about it that I could gush over right now but that's another post for another time :)

Onto the rules~

Use the tag #caramelzHFdtiys so they're easier to find!

Please tag my account in your entries as well ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

Please keep the characters/premise the same, however, you can change fem!MC to the masc!MC if you wish!! Also, you're allowed to change the drink :)

Deadline is Janurary 31st 2024 <;3 edit: (26/01/24) deadline has been moved to March 20th 2024!!

Prizes!!!

Winner 1: free art piece of any character of their choice!! (e.g canon characters, ocs etc.)

All entries will be reblogged and shared ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

[the-a-systeam]

Hi

Made this account so we stopped spamming system stuff on our main lol

System members under the cut

Ace (he/they) 👑

Closest friends call him Boo.

Age: 17

Favorite color: dark green

Likes: Analog horror. Is absolutely down to discuss popular ARGs.

Best friends with Toby.

Toby (he/him) 🐝

Age: 17

Favourite color: dark green

Likes: cats, bees, pasta, and Dr. Pepper

Please do NOT refer to him as Tubbo. It makes him uncomfortable.

Best friends with Ace and proud to be able to call him Boo.

Wilbur (he/him) ♠️

Age: 24-25

Favourite color: rust red

Likes: geography/history and puzzles

Edmund (he/him) 🛡

Also goes by Blade as a nickname.

Ageless

Favorite color: royal red

Likes: warfare history, strategy games, and farming.

Heavily dislikes authoritarian rule of any kind. Don't come here thinking you are of higher importance.

Tommy (he/him) 😈

Age: 17

Favourite color: red or dark blue

Likes: Minecraft mobs, moths, and mushrooms.

Arson (he/him/it) ☢

Age: 16

Favourite color: neon yellow and green

Likes: sour candies, fire

Aggressive protector.

Achilles (he/him) 🌾

Age: 15-17

Favorite color: Autumn gold

Likes: Pastries, mythology, and the outdoors. Ask him about Greek myth. He'll be very happy to tell you.

Happier than the rest of us. Tends to act like graceful fae royalty.

Ashton (he/him) 👻

Just call him Ash.

Age: 16-17

Favorite color: dark blue

Likes: dogs, spicy sushi, and ghosty stuff.

Sensitive. Please use basic human decency with him.

Marceline (she/her) 🎸

Friends call her Marci

Age: 18-19 but also way older

Favorite color: blood red

Likes: guitar, signing, pranking

Xani (she/her/ze/zir) 💖

Age: 19-23

Favourite color: magenta

Likes: nature, antiques, soup, and ice tea

Southern mom vibes

Caspian (he/him) 💣

Age: adult

Likes: music, competition, the smell of gasoline and fire, and pocky

Max (he/him) 🔪

Age: 16-19

Likes: shooter games, witchcraft, dark humor, his bf

Gay. Very gay.

Pax (any) 🖤

Age: 19-24??? Not sure

Favorite color: green

Likes baking

Really dislikes conflict. Please don’t start fights under our posts.

Specter (any masc) 🪦

He’s just here

[plaguedghosts]

I was tagged by @utmostcontraire

rules: answer 20 questions. tag 20 bloggers you want to get to know better.

1. Name: Xandria

2. Nicknames: Pit, Pidgolee, Pigeon, Pidge, Xani

3. Zodiac: Virgo

4. Height: 5'3"

5. Languages: English and enough spanish that i can read a menu

6. Nationality: American

7. Favorite Season: Autumn

8. Favorite Flowers: sunflowers

9. Favorite scent: sweet pea from bath and body works, and pepper

10. Favorkte colors: sunflower yellow, olive green, rusty orange, dirt brown

11. Favorite Animal(s): opossums, pigeons, goats, alpacas, grizzly bears, and beavers

12. Favorite fictional character: Hilda, captain jack sparrow, psyduck.

13. Coffee, tea, hot cocoa: hot cocoa

14. Average sleep hours: 5-13

15. Dog or cat person: i own a dog but i get along with cats as well

16. Number of blankets you sleep with: always at least five

17. Dream trip: to go to england

18. Blog established: i think november of 2019

19. Followers: 446

20. Random fact: im going deaf and vant afford to get a hearing aide

@city-cryptid @0-unnatural-miracle-0 @emotional-toad @ofdirtandbones @mossy-suggestions @falloffthegriid @grubby21 @cupidslullaby @emotionalsupportginger @michellesbianism @lovelessunshine @crispycorvid @crowcoreblog @cloverdogs

I cant do 20

[inkognito97]

Xanatos IV

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Anakin Skywalker hated politicians, at least the major part of them. There were only a few that he actually liked, Padme for an instance, Bail Organa seemed nice too and of course his Master’s ‘girlfriend’. He had to hide a smile behind a fake cough at the thought of Satine Kryze and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Their relationship was definitely interesting, to say the least. And what kind of pair they would make, if given the chance.

“Now, what do you think, Anakin?” the older male’s slimy voice brought the young Skywalker out of his amusing thoughts and he scolded himself for not having paid attention to the Chancellor of all people.

“Forgive me, Chancellor, my attention had been elsewhere,” he replied politely, using all the skills that Obi-Wan had taught him. Speaking of which, where was he? His Master’s ship had been supposed to land half an hour ago and while Master Xanatos and Feemor had already gone back to the temple to report the ginger haired Master’s lateness, he had dutifully waited. Until a certain Chancellor had arrived at the landing pad, that is.

The man had immediately started a conversation with him, which was rather strange, since he always claimed to be a very busy man. Also, it unnerved Anakin that the older male was showing so much interest in him.

“Ah, no worries, my dear boy. I was merely asking you, if you consider the Separatists as evil creatures, whose foul plans must be stopped at all costs.” There was a smile plastered on the man’s wrinkled features. It looked as fake as the rest of him.

“With all due respect, Chancellor, I am not sure that all costs should be paid. Sometimes it is better to give in first and to attack later,” he recited a wisdom he had learned from his Master.

The older male made a humming sound. It was hard to say what he was thinking, especially since Anakin could not even read him through the Force. The Padawan wondered if his Master would be able to. Due to his blindness, he had the strongest connection to the Force that Anakin had ever seen. It was truly astonishing.

“A true diplomat indeed,” complimented the politician, “Tell me Anakin, would you do me the pleasure of accompanying me on this diplomatic trip? I could use someone as skilled as you.”

“I fear that this is indeed not possible, Chancellor,” an accented voice suddenly sounded from behind them and Anakin had never been so happy to hear his Master’s voice. Except perhaps the time he was captured by a bunch of pirates and when his Master had disguised himself as a pirate too. Surprisingly enough, it had almost convinced him too.

It was strange though, that neither he nor his unwanted companion had noticed the small ship landing OR the ginger haired Master’s silent approach.

“Excuse me, Master Kenobi, but I was talking to your Padawan,” there was a dangerous tone hidden in the smiling face. Anakin did not like it at all and neither did Obi-Wan.

“You are NOT excused, Chancellor.” Obi-Wan sounded anything but amused and had the blond Padawan not known better, he would have thought that his teacher’s blue-green eyes were penetrating the politician’s thoughts. “Even the High Chancellor does not stand above the law, especially not the Jedi laws. As the Master of Anakin, you will address me, when you wish my student’s presence during something that the Order defines as ‘mission’. Further will any kind of mission be checked and examined by the Council.” He hesitated, “Besides, I would prefer if my Padawan stayed away from certain… politicians and influences.”

Palpatine’s brows furrowed and his eyes narrowed dangerously. “Could it be that you are calling me corrupt, Master Kenobi?” he was almost hissing.

“I am not calling you anything. What you assume and make of my words, is your doing and yours alone.” Obi-Wan held himself just this much straighter and while his face showed only the perfect calmness of a fully trained Jedi, Anakin could feel over their bond that his teacher was anything but calm, he was furious. “Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have more important and urgent matters to attend to. Good day.” Without another word, did Obi-Wan turn around, leaving the gaping and angry man behind him.

Anakin needed to hurry to keep up with the shorter male. He was quite impressed. It was rare that Obi-Wan was so ‘rude’ to anybody. Even people he could absolutely not stand, got a better treatment than that. It made the blonde wonder, if there was something more that he had not seen and noticed.

“You will regret this,” it was barely more than a mumble, but thanks to his advanced hearing, Obi-Wan had picked it up nevertheless. For a moment, he thought about ignoring it, but in this case, he deemed that offensive tactics, were the better ones.

“Tell me Chancellor,” he has stopped walking and had turned his head to ‘look’ over his shoulder. “Do you always make public threats?”

The old man’s face was paler than usual and there was surprise coloring it. “I was merely stating that your student will miss a unique opportunity and that he might regret missing it,” there was that slimy grin again, though it did not even get close to touching the man’s eyes. Anakin was glad that he did not have to spend another minute in the politician’s company.

“If you say so,” there was something in Obi-Wan’s voice that the senior Padawan could not identify. That alone was a miracle, they had spent a decade together after all. Obi-Wan resumed walking again.

“Master? What was that all about?” Anakin asked, hurrying to keep up with the ginger haired man.

“Don’t worry about it, Padawan mine. Just… promise me not to agree to anything he offers you without my consent.”

“I promise,” Anakin did not hesitate a second.

It almost seemed as if a whole planet had been lifted off of Obi-Wan’s shoulders and he even allowed himself to sigh. “Good,” he took a deep breath. “Now, where are Fee and Xani?”

Anakin was glad for the topic change.

Xanatos and Feemor were beyond nervous, which was ridiculous, since they were only facing their former Master. Yet it seemed like the greatest and hardest challenge they had ever faced. It was hardly befitting of a Jedi Knight to feel this way, let alone to act and think so ridiculous. What could Qui-Gon do after all? He would hardly hurt them.

The worst thing he could do, was saying ‘no’ and shutting the door in their faces. They had experienced much worse in their career, so why was the mere thought of it so terrifying?

The raven haired Knight sighed and his eyes locked with his brother’s. Feemor nodded.

“Now or never,” and with that the older male knocked against the door.

A shuffling sound came from inside and a moment later, the door was opened, revealing no other than Qui-Gon Jinn himself. He looked tired and worn, with heavy bags under his dull eyes, which widened upon spotting them. “Xanatos, Feemor,” the two Knights noted, that he was not even using their nicknames anymore, “what a surprise… please, come in.” He stepped aside, allowing the younger Knights to enter. “Is there anything I can offer you, tea perhaps?”

“No,” Xanatos stopped the older man’s rambling, he was just as nervous as they were and they had done this. “We came to…” he looked over to Feemor for help.

“We came to apologize,” said the blonde with certainty and he gracefully sunk to his knees, his Padawan brother right behind him. “We only just realized how we wronged you and how much we made you suffer with our behavior.”

They bowed their heads, they were not able to look into their former Master’s stricken and surprised face.

“You DID make mistakes, but… you also taught us that it is natural, that you should learn from your mistakes and go on. We… we… are truly sorry, we know how much you already blame yourself and…” Feemor sighed, “we just wish for your and Obi-Wan’s sake that you can one day mend the rift and that you both can be happy again.”

“Forgive us,” added Xanatos in a pleading voice.

For a few long moments, nothing happened. Neither male dared to move, nor made any kind of sound. The two young Knights were beginning to wonder, if they would be thrown out now, they would deserve it.

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity, Qui-Gon moved. He slowly sunk to his knees as well, right in front of the two Knights. His shaking hands reached out and tilted both Knights’ faces up. The tears they saw on the older man’s eyes, shocked the two lineage brothers.

“There is nothing to forgive,” Qui-Gon mumbled, his voice hoarse with emotions and then, he pulled the two Knights against his frame, one hand cupping each head.

“Master,” Xanatos cried and he fisted his hands into beige tunics, burrowing deeper into the man.

Feemor could feel a wetness on his head, where the older male’s head rested on his, but he did not comment on it. Instead he too, wrapped his arms around the strong frame of the man, who had taught him.

“My boys,” a sob escaped him and his whole body started to tremble. The two Knights were a little taken aback and unsure about what to do, but the Jedi Master just tightened his arms around them, letting out all the emotions that had never been released.

 It was not clear to Xanatos, how long the three of them kneeled on the floor, until Qui-Gon moved to a sitting position, while still holding them against his side. The raven haired male had been immediately reminded of a similar situation, back in Obi-Wan’s Padawan days. It had been after Qui-Gon had caught a nasty sickness, not life-threatening, but highly unpleasant and tiring for the one, who caught it. The three brothers had managed to talk Vokara Che into allowing Qui-Gon out of the healing halls, for just a day, they had claimed the Living Force would help their Master and it had turned out to be true.

They had seated themselves against a large tree, with Qui-Gon’s back resting against the trunk. Xanatos and Feemor had immediately claimed a place at his side, snuggling close to him, while Obi-Wan had chosen to sit between the taller male’s legs, so that he was able to cuddle back into his chest. It was deep in the night, when an angry Vokara Che had come looking for them, ready to give them a healthy peace of her mind. All her ire had evaporated however, upon spotting the four Jedi, asleep and comfortable huddled together and since there had been a couple of blankets involved, she had even let them stay like this.

Right now however, there was no Obi-Wan and there was no Vokara Che either. Right now, it was a healing Qui-Gon Jinn, who was just happy to have two of his son’s back and who was grateful for the second chance he had gotten. And perhaps, just perhaps, he was finally ready to face Obi-Wan as well.

[sugardaddycentral]

Connor Murphy x Reader Born To Die Part 1

Summary: After his guidance counselor takes notice of Connor's abnormal behavior, he is sent to a support group against his will, where he meets a girl just as fucked up as he is. 

 Song Inspiration: Born To Die / Lana Del Rey

 Warnings: | language | drug use | mentions of suicide | mentions of self-harm | first person writing | mental illness | teenage angst | 

 Word Count: 2k

"Now, let's begin!" the perky counselor started as she took her seat in the circle. "As you may know, I'm Nadine, your counselor." I rolled my eyes for probably the tenth time today. The circle was a lot smaller than it was last week, even smaller than usual. Normally only 5 or 6 kids actually come to these bullshit sessions. We're lucky enough to have parents who give a shit about our mental health, but were too broke to afford a psychiatrist or any real professional. 

 "Let's go around and tell each other our names and...a fun fact about ourselves and why we're here." Nadine started the session while she adjusted her abnormally large glasses.

I exhaled loudly through my nose. This was the same lame ass shit we did last week, and everybody already knew each other. I eventually tuned out after the first person introduced themselves. I reached for my phone in my back pocket and hid it in between my legs, looking up every so often so I wouldn't get caught.

 It was the same mundane routine every day for me. Wake up, go to school, come to support group, and then go home. There was no fucking excitement other than when I get high. Those were the highlights of my day. It was going fine until my mom and dad found my stash and flushed it down the toilet and threw me in into this fucking support group. They thought that my weed was my problem. They don't know shit. 

 A voice cleared their throat. I frantically looked up from my phone, believing that it was Nadine. Instead, a tall, long haired, emo looking kid stood by the door frame. I slid my phone back into my pocket.

"You must be the new addition," Nadine said, looking down at her clipboard. "Come, take a seat! We were just starting." I examined this kid from head to toe. He had to be in my grade, almost graduating. His tangled hair rested easy on his shoulders. The bags under his eyes stood out the most on his face, besides his chiseled features. His lack of any other color besides black was aesthetically pleasing to the eye; even down to the chipped nail polish. He also happened to smell of weed, strong weed. He took a seat in the chair across from mine. 

"(Y/N)? It's your turn," Nadine whispered obnoxiously loud. I let out another sigh and I stood to my feet.

"Okay uhm, I'm (Y/N) (Y/L/N)," I started. 

"Hi (Y/N)," the others answered very monotone, most likely not giving as much of a shit as I did.

"I'm here because I'm fucking depressed. Uh... and one fun fact about me is that I like to read." I slumped back in my seat. Nadine nervously chuckled before she proceeded to scribble something down on her clipboard. The circle of usual greetings continued until we reached the new kid. 

He stood up. Although he was still slouching, he was tall as fuck. 

"I'm Connor Murphy. I'm here because my fucking guidance counselor threw me in here." He introduced himself without skipping a beat. 

"Hello Connor," Nadine grinned widely. "How about you tell us about your erm ...your condition?" 

He scoffed. "Look, I'm just here to watch." A couple of the members, including me, stifled our laughter. Some didn't even bother to hold it in. He glared up at us all. His burning stare sent unsettling chills up my spine. 

The second support group was over, I slung my backpack over my shoulder and fucking booked it. I swerved past anybody who got in my way. But thanks to my lack of coordination, I lost my footing on the curb and fell on the concrete, hard.

 I also didn't happen to see the speeding car that was coming my way. The person behind the wheel honked.

"Out of the fucking street!" they yelled. I looked up to see that Connor kid shouting from out of the window of his ragged car that could easily fall apart with one touch. 

"Yeah, hit me why don't you asshole?" I shouted back, giving him the middle finger, although I low-key wanted him to run me over. "End my fucking misery," I muttered as I gave the hood of his car a rough slap with the palm of my hand. Connor sped away as soon as I walked past the car. He gave a final honk. 

 I felt a burning sensation travel to my jawline and chin area. I flinched at my own touch as I went to feel the damage done. A few drops of blood stained my fingers. I fished my hand into my bag for any type of napkin. I pulled out a used paper towel and pressed it up against the scrape.

"Hi sweetie!" Mom greeted the second I walked through the door. Her effervescent mood earned another eye roll out of me. 

Xanax was always recognizable. 

I dropped my bag off at the entrance and slipped off my shoes. Mom stood by the counter prepping dinner. "Hi," I mumbled. My eyes darted over to Dad, who was too busy scribbling some shit down for his clients. He didn't even bother to make eye contact. 

Mom clearly took notice. She placed her hand on my cheek and gave me a quick peck. She briefly caught ahold of my chin and inspected my scrape. "He's just a little busy, sweetheart," she said in a low voice. "Honey?" she called for him. "(Y/N)'s home from support group." 

Without looking up from his book, he acknowledged that I was in the room. "Hi (Y/N). How was support group?" 

I scoffed at his disinterest. "Like you fucking care," I answered before storming up to my room. I instantly flopped onto my bed and was greeted by my warm comforter. I let out a deep sigh. I tried remembering some of the bullshit techniques that Nadine introduced me to my first day. 

 Inhale...2...3...

 Exhale....4...5...

 But I couldn't even find solace in that. There was only one thing that would help me. I decided to wait until my parents went to bed to sneak out. I carefully unlocked my window, grabbed my keys, and went out through there since all of the doors made too much noise. I made a delicate landing onto the grass below. I started the car and drove off.

I drove off into the night with only one destination in mind. Only a few miles south from my house was a small park. Considering that it was close to midnight, there was a great chance that nobody would be there. I parked my car under one of the tall willow trees. I then reached into the glove compartment where I had a few pre-rolled joints and a lighter. I hopped up onto the hood of my car and took a drag. 

 It was nights like these that I lived for. Better yet, one of the only reasons I lived for. Whenever I felt like I was suffocating or like I couldn't breathe, I'd just walk or drive over to this park and drown myself in the serenity of it all. My weed was pretty much all I had left, besides my one friend. My parents luckily didn't find my small stash that I kept in my car. 

"You can't fucking do that!" I screamed as I watched the green bits swirl down the toilet bowl. 

"Yes we can (Y/N). This isn't healthy! You have a problem!" Dad shouted back. Mom stood by the doorway with her arms crossed. My heart felt like it was barbarically ripped apart. 

 I frantically ran my fingers through my hair. "What, and Mom's Xanax addiction is healthy!?" Mom's eyes misted up, Dad shot me a look of disappointment. It was nothing new.

I let out a puff of air. After the first few times, my lungs didn't burn anymore. A few leaves rustled in the distance. The sound was distinctly, like footsteps. I didn't bother to reach for my pocket knife. If I was going to die, let it happen while I've got drugs in me and I can die calm. The footsteps approached until a tall figure stood a couple of feet away from me.

"(Y/N), right?" a voice asked. My head perked up. I took another drag. 

"Yeah, who's asking?" They stepped out of the shadow. The street lamp gave off just enough light for me to see their face. "You're Connor, right?" He nodded. I had about half of the joint left. I handed it over to him. 

With all of the weed in my system, my nerves and whatever depressive residue slowly faded; for the time at least. I felt pretty fucking generous for once. 

"Thanks," he muttered. He took a puff. I could practically see the stress melt off of his shoulders. He passed it back. He unconsciously rubbed his chin when he glanced over at me. "Uh, your chin..." 

"Yeah, I noticed. Thanks for that, again," I said with clear distaste. He said nothing. There was nothing but silence, other than the occasional night creature and our coughs. The passing of the joint continued. One puff after the other.

I decided to break the silence. "So, you were dragged into support group too, huh?" Connor let out a couple of quiet coughs after he took a puff. We were nearing the filter. 

"Uh, yeah. Some teacher I have thought that it would help me," he replied. I glanced over at him curiously. His hair framed his face perfectly; curls draped down to his shoulders. The light from the lamppost allowed me to fully be captivated by his features. 

"My parents threw me into that support group because they think that I'm some fucking drug addict." I began to mindlessly rant to him like I had known him for years. "They think I'm some pill popping junkie. That's not me. That's my fucking mom. I don't get why they lecture me on me 'doing drugs' when my mom basically can't function without popping a Xanie once a day. They don't even fucking know that their only daughter is depressed out of her own mind. They don't know that I just want to fucking die!" Painful tears formed until my eyes were glossed. I let them fall one by one. 

The silence was back. Connor was almost too stunned to speak. Words were caught in his throat after I unintentionally poured my heart out to him. I wiped the tears from my eyes with the sleeve of my sweater. "Sorry, fuck," I mumbled. I finished off the joint and flicked it onto the ground before crushing it with the sole of my shoe. 

"Don't worry about it," he replied, a secretive and sincere half smile faintly tugged at the corner of his lips. I then peered over my phone to check the time. 

"Uh, I should get going. But uh, thanks for listening to me dump my problems onto you," I said. I opened the car door. Connor stepped away from the hood. 

"No problem. And uh, thanks for the joint."

The day after was the same routine, as usual. Wake up, go to school, and then fucking support group. At least I sort of had something to look forward to rather than just sit at home. 

I definitely wouldn't call Connor Murphy a friend. I still to this day think he's an asshole for almost running me over. The night before, he was a pair of ears that willingly listened to my ramblings. He probably listened to me more that night than my parents ever did in my entire life. But there was something about him that I admired about him that I couldn't put my finger on. 

I shuffled into the room. The shitty fluorescent lighting flickered to an imaginary rhythm. The seat I usually sat in was kept empty for me. I stood by the doorway examining the scene. The usual group of 5 kids had been reduced to 4, excluding Connor and I. In retrospect, it was bound to happen more often than you'd think. It usually didn't take long until someone lost it or finally found better help. 

"Hey," I heard Connor's familiar voice greet from behind. The obvious smell of pot lingered from him.

I let out a small chuckle. "You're fucking high," I said. I turned around to face him. His sapphire blue eyes were painfully bloodshot and hooded. He leaned against the doorway. 

"Maybe a little." He flashed a smirk that made my cheeks heat up. Fuck, he's devilishly charismatic even when he's high. "But I can manage." 

"I'll have whatever you're having," I muttered sarcastically under my breath. I then glanced over at the support group. Nadine hadn't arrived yet, and barely anybody showed up. An idea popped into my head. I reached for Connor's hand and grasped it tight. "Let's get out of here. They won't miss us." Without objection, he followed behind until we reached my car. 

Connor was slumped in the passenger seat the majority of the ride. His eyes would often focus on what was going on outside. Our rebuttal as to what to eat was never ending. 

"Literally fucking anything," was all he said. I grew impatient of myself trying to figure out what I wanted. The closest thing that open was a Shake Shack. I pulled into the parking lot and tried to help Connor out of his seat, but all he did was swat my hand away and told me to "fuck off." 

"Be grateful I'm getting you food," I fired back. Both Connor and I ordered burgers. Even without the munchies I felt almost as hungry as he was. I watched as he ate every last bite like it was his last. As he went to take a sip of his soda, strands of his hair fell over his eyes. I tried my hardest not to stare. I couldn't say the same for him though. 

"What?" I asked. Connor shrugged his shoulders. 

"Nothing's it's just... thanks," he said quietly. "Thanks for...this." He struggled to find the right words to explain what he had. It wasn't exactly a friendship just yet, but it sure as hell felt better than being alone. A pale hue of pink threatened to color his cheeks.

[heartfragment]

Just a tiny preview of a CG from Natalia's route!

[beatmyaudio]

Interlude (That’s Love) Song Lyrics –

Interlude (That’s Love) Song Lyrics

Interlude (That’s Love) Song Lyrics From Popular Hollywood Artist from Acid Rap Album.

This song is sung by singer ” ” in Year 4/30/2013.

Lyrics of Interlude (That’s Love) :

Yeah yeah yeah yeahYeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeahYeahYeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeahYeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeahWhat’s better than tripping is falling in loveWhat’s better than Letterman, Leno, Fallon, and all the aboveWhat’s better than popping bottles trying to ball in the clubIs the first caveman pops with his son, ball and a clubWhat’s better than paper is ballin’ it upWhat’s better than followers is actually fallin’ in loveWhat’s better than frolicking, follies, fallin’ in mudRolling in green pastures, wanderin’, followin’ loveWhat’s better than eating is feeding your famWhat’s better than meetings is missing meetings to meet with your famWhat’s better than leaning and needing a XanIs hitting your zan dreaming a dream could mean leaving the landWhat’s better than yelling is hollerin’ loveWhat’s better than rhymes, nickels, dimes and dollars and dubsIs dialing up your darling just for callin’ her upIt ain’t nothing better than fallin’ in loveIGH!I’ve seen it come back, back, back and forthYou hit the nail right on top of the headI know you’ve seen it all beforeBut when it looks you in the eyes, it ain’t nothin’ you could say but “that’s love”That’s loveThat’s loveThat’s loveSay that’s love, ooh oohThat’s lo-o-oveThat’s loveThat’s love, that’s love, that’s loveI LOVE you! (Love you)I LOVE you! (Lo-o-ove!)I LOVE you! (Love you)I LOVE you! (Lo-o-ove!)I LOVE you! (Love you)I LOVE you! (Lo-o-ove!)I LOVE you! (Love you)I LOVE you! (Lo-o-ove!)I LOVE you!That’s loveThat’s loooo-o-o-ove, that’s loveSay that’s love, ooh, ooh, that’s loveThat’s love, that’s love, that’s love, that’s love

Interlude (That’s Love) Song Lyrics

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