#wwdits gave us dumb vampires

[snipsnipsnippy]

why are vampires always so ridiculously wealthy? I get generational money, but that shit has gotta run out. Give me a vampire who works the overnight shift at the seedy diner who can’t make rent. A nighttime security guard who’s leeching off a string of girlfriends. Casino vampires?? There’s no windows around. The possibilities, come on. Where are the crummy vampires living their shitty lives?

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV S2 Ep6 Musings: Random (Spoilers)

This

RJ wants Dan's body to get close to the vamps. He's still in the order, but already plotting a coup. But I reckon he's lying; he's not even tryna ask them any questions, he just wants to get in their presence so he can do the switch. The question remains: WHICH vamp does RJ want? (Naturally, he's arrogant enough to want Armand, an ancient, but my money's on him picking Louis as the safer bet; the weaker target who might not put up as much of a fight)

I'd love to see this alleged list, but this old heifer's LYING, I can feel it in my bones. This is a GREAT concept if it's legit--the Talamasca using Daniel as a mole to learn more about vamps, and even collaborate, since the vamps are telling it all anyway--their subterfuge almost doesn't make any sense; just walk right up to them and be like hey, if you want to talk we're listening.

Ok so Rashid & Raglan are in the same frame, so my theory about Rashid being Raglan's a bust. He could still be a Talamasca mole though; it's mighty sus how he doesn't bat an eyelash at Raglan chatting Daniel up. Then Rashid LIED to Armand about Dan!

And LAZY AF Armand doesn't even scan their brains to verify!? OMFG! 🤦 You DESERVE every mutiny that happens under your roof, Armand, this is ridiculous. Why bother being a vampire if you won't even USE the powers you have? Don't be like effing LOUIS.

(Gives me life every time.) Unfortunately, however, Santiago's nowhere near as dumb as they think--

--Santiago gave the coven Claudia's diaries oml they're all reading them right in front of Claudia & Armand, the SAVAGERY--

--not Sam too, omg, ain't a single vamp on Armand's side, yikes--

--and Louis should know better, since Lestat & Antoinette got the jump on him & Claudia before! Yes, Claudia had an extra plan, but THESE AIN'T FAMILY VAMPS; these vampires are VICIOUS! If Armand's lazy, Louis & Claudia are NAIVE AF! DANG.

The coven is SKATING around Armand, this is sad. Santiago's playing 5D chess. (And Celeste & Estelle are maker-fledgling~! I see!).

Wow, the IWTV-WWDITS crossover I didn't expect, "Let's Go Sunning" was also used in the end credits song in S01E06 when The Baron was BURNED ALIVE IN THE SUN I HATE Y'ALL SO MUCH!

[russian-spider]

you know what pisses me off the most? the fact that i watched 2 seasons of wwdits and i didn't ship nandermo because it didn't feel like they were going there, like you could ship it because there were plenty of great moments between them and the dynamic was great but i could tell their closeness wasn't meant to be romantic, or the romantic undertones weren't meant to be taken seriously. Until season 3. the shift was so obvious! guillermo canonically had a crush on nandor! they can't deny that. it was then that i started shipping it because suddenly this dynamic i loved was something more and it had the potential to be incredible. paul simms can say whatever he wants but he made nandermo canon, at least one sided nandermo. and then he... got bored of it? changed his mind? never meant for it to be more than the joke of the season? i couldn't believe they would do that, i thought nandermo was now The Plan, i was so sure of it! and the end of s3 only reasured me. but now i feel like a fool. there was another shift in season 4, guillermo was over his crush like nadja was over her club in s5. for the longest time i couldn't understand the choices made in s4, it didn't make any sense with what came before, why would they waste the cliffhanger? why would they get separated for a year and not try to find each other? why would guillermo get a bf if not to make nandor jealous and bring them closer? and season 5 was so good and it did bring them closer but as friends... nandor has called guillermo his friend so many times already and it sounds so much like the way other shows queerbait (it doesn't apply here as both are queer but yk what i mean, shipbaiting, wtv) and i didn't want to see it. but i guess i was stuck on the s3 narrative, i was looking at everything that came after with what i knew from s3 in mind, but i see now nandermo was a one season plot that ended with the cliffhanger, that the year apart was their way to finish it, to get a clean slate. i see now that for the writers guillermo's crush is barely more than nandor's crush on meg or the guide's crush on guillermo, another thing that gets discarded from season to season. and since then they've given us just enough to string us along. and i'm pissed off because i fell for it, because they made it canon but not canon enough and now i have to read paul simms call the ship he wrote as romantic "problematic", like we're bad for liking it, like the whole show and characters aren't "problematic", like we're dumb for not taking guillermo's word for it when he said it was over bc we thought this show would give a fuck about arcs and themes and continuity. and yeah we can ship it even if it never becomes canon but it was supposed to, that's why i let myself become invested, because they gave us hope, because it was already happening! and just like guillermo becoming a vampire, it's been undone.

[stedes-tarty-pink-robe]

WWDITS SEASON 5 FINALE PREDICTIONS

Someone asked for bonkers predictions for tonight's episodes, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I doubt the curse of Apollo will strike me, but who knows?

- The Morrigan House is a ploy by Simon the Devious. The vamps obliviously blunder through traps meant to kill them, foiling their host's plan.

- The Guide has been intentionally sabotaging the vampires all season because the housemates destroyed her former way of life and the building she was in charge of. She could have forgiven them if they gave her a new purpose as their friend, but since they're ignoring her, she will become their nightmare instead. She previously hexed Nadja, tried to get Guillermo killed and threw shade at Laszlo's book organization to cause him to hyperfixate.

- Guillermo's been kidnapped but Nandor is too stupid to realize it and thinks he returned to Panera Bread. While he's gone, Nandor can't stop seeing Guillermo everwhere. That rat looks like Guillermo. That bird-frog looks like Guillermo...

- The vamps will comb every Panera Bread, and fortunately for them, Guillermo's kidnapper is dumb enough to keep him at a Panera Bread in Little Antipaxos. Nadja finds out from her diner friends.

- When Nandor finally finds out, everyone tries to take the blame for turning Guillermo. Like Spartacus style. Laszlo, Nadja and even Colin because he didn't want to feel left out. They then try to convince Nandor it was a communal turning of a communal familiar so no one needs to kill anyone else today, but Nandor doesn't believe them. Not because what they say is physically impossible on multiple levels, but because ...

- Guillermo cannot fully change because Nandor made a wish that Guillermo would never be a vampire yet will remain with Nandor. This leads to yet another emotionally cathartic fight between the two. Each accuses the other of using them. The fight only defuses when they see clips from the documentary of the other being mushy about them when they're not around.

- Nandor uses his last wish to make Guillermo a full vampire thus Nandor technically turned Guillermo and doesn't have to kill him. This can't be a completely happy ending so it's Nandor's turn to run away from things he'd rather not deal with, leaving Guillermo behind.

- Guillermo is confident he can track Nandor down. He's still a vampire hunter, after all, and Nandor isn't the brightest prey.

- Laszlo creates a couple of Guide-raven hybrids, so the Guide will always have company. Laszlo is happy his science has worked for once. He ignores the TV reports about the increasing number of Guillermo hybrid sightings around New York.

- Nadja is happy that no hex means she's free to be mean again. She and Dollie go on an insult bender.

- Derek used the money Guillermo paid him to bribe other vampires into talking him up, so now he's considered a cool and legendary vampire. Bonus points if a jealous Nandor is there to call him a fucking guy.

[chelsfic]

Unseemly Desire - Chapter 3 - Guillermo x Nandor

To read past chapters: WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: Nandor and Guillermo deal with the fallout of their makeout session and the almost-attempted mind wipe. Guillermo discovers the untapped well of anger living inside him!

Warnings: Angst, Blood drinking, gratuitous use of the word Fuck, Angry kissing

A/N: Look how frickin handsome Nandor is in this gif. No wonder Guillermo can’t resist this idiot. Also, I wrote this really fast and barely edited it sooooo ehhhhhh sorrayyy.

---

Shit! Fuck! Damn! Fiasco!

Nandor retires straight to his coffin after storming out of his familiar’s room. He’s still fully dressed and the little hair pins in his bun stab the back of his head as he lies down. 

Fucking guy!

Who gave him permission to have those kinds of feelings, anyway? Nandor’s almost certain he included something about not falling in love in Guillermo’s employment contract. He’ll have to check on that tomorrow evening. He growls in angry frustration as he realizes the contract is locked in one Colin Robinson’s basement filing cabinets. Maybe he doesn’t need to worry about checking. He’s positive that he mentioned it to Guillermo before he became his familiar. No falling in love with me. End of discussion!

How dare that little guy ruin his perfect plan? What does he think, just because he has smooth, tan skin, a disarming smile and perfect wavy hair he can just go around forcing Nandor to be horny for him all the time? It’s unacceptable!

Nandor turns onto his side in a huff. He has half a mind to go back there and mind wipe him after all. But the vision of Guillermo’s tear streaked face as he begged Nandor not to hypnotize him floats before his eyes in the darkness and he feels that stabby, annoying pain in his heart area again.  

And now he’s having more confusing heart palpitations again. Great!

---

The movie is still playing on Guillermo’s discarded laptop. Claudia shrieks after learning that she can never grow or change as a vampire. It’s his favorite movie. He’s watched it hundreds of times. And Guillermo is only just now contemplating the real world evidence of that phenomenon. Nandor may have centuries of life experience but emotionally he is still the same repressed, spoiled, arrogant 13th century warlord he was when he was turned, just with a few new pop culture references under his belt. Can he really never learn or change? And if that’s true then what the fuck is Guillermo doing here?

He’s frozen in place where Nandor discarded him like so much refuse. His eyes are fixed on the curtain in fear or hope--he’s not certain--that Nandor might come blazing back into his little room, filling it up with his massive presence for better or worse. Salty tear tracks stain his cheeks and he’s still half wrapped up in the dumb snuggie. His face crumples and a silent sob escapes his throat. He’d been so stupidly happy there for a moment. Nandor--his dream boy, his vampire, his Nandor--kissed him and held him like Guillermo had always dreamed. But the memory tastes bitter in his mouth now as he remembers the cold, blank mask of his face after Guillermo mistakenly confessed his love. 

He fists his hands into the soft material of Nandor’s snuggie, burying his face in the fabric as his tears start anew. He begged for this, didn’t he? How pathetic is it that he pleaded with Nandor to let him hold onto the memory of yet another rejection? He falls asleep like that, crying silently and clinging to the only physical evidence of his master’s fleeting, mercurial affection. 

---

When he opens his coffin the next evening Nandor finds Guillermo waiting to attend him like always. The vampire hides his surprise and holds out his hand for assistance with all of his typical haughty self-importance. He spent all day plagued by nightmares of his familiar running away into the sunlight. Packing up his computing book, his cute little sweaters and his pizza rolls and fleeing from Nandor like he was some kind of...monster.

Ridiculous, of course.

Guillermo won’t leave him. He’d said so last night. He’d promised in exchange for his pathetic memories. But then Nandor notices the human’s hands are shaking as he adjusts his cravat and Guillermo won’t meet his eyes. There is also a strange new smell coming off of him that he usually only encounters around victims.

Fear.

“Guillermo…” Nandor wrinkles his nose “Have you been cleaning the cell? You should really shower afterwards. It’s not hygienic to be dressing me after being around all those human juices.”

His familiar finally looks up at him, eyes narrowed in confusion as he tries to parse his master’s thought process.

“No…” he finally answers and his voice is like a ghost, thin and ephemeral. “I haven’t been cleaning the cell master.”

He self-consciously leans down to sniff his own armpit and Nandor grimaces in disgust. 

“Well, then why--” he stops himself, his deep brown eyes going round as he finally makes the connection. Guillermo is afraid of...him? It is like his nightmares are coming to life!

“Guillermo! Snap out of it now! This is very upsetting and...unprofessional. Why are you afraid?”

Guillermo flinches as if struck by Nandor’s words. He didn’t realize how transparent he was being. His first instinct is to deny it but a flare of anger takes hold of him and he’s speaking before his ingrained habit of suppressing his true feelings can kick in.

“Why am I afraid!? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you almost erased my memories last night? And you could do it any time you want and I’d be powerless to stop you?”

Nandor’s brows knit together and he scoffs, “But that’s always--”

He stops himself, guiltily averting his eyes, but it’s too late. Something changes in Guillermo’s face. The anger bleeds away and his skin goes pale. He almost looks like a vampire or… or one of his victims. The thought sends a shiver down Nandor’s spine.

“Master…” Guillermo’s voice is calm and cool but Nandor has a feeling that what comes next will determine something very important. 

“Have you--” He swallows against the lump in his throat. “--Have you hypnotized me before?”

Nandor grimaces, baring his sharp fangs in an uncomfortable smile and looking like the vampiric embodiment of a dog shaming video.

---

There’s the time he dropped Guillermo while he was helping him dust around the spider houses…

...the time Guillermo saw Nandor fall down at the roller rink and the human children all laughed at him…

...when he shamed himself while Guillermo helped him adjust his orgy suit…

And countless other small, trivial moments that now seem to add up to quite a lot.

And, of course, there’s the other night when Nandor admitted that Guillermo is special to him.

---

“...Once or twice.”

Nandor watches his familiar’s face fall and his eyes start leaking. Guillermo angrily scrubs the tears away and shakes his head, throwing off the hurt as he’s learned to do all his life. From elementary school bullies to the love of his life, Guillermo has been rolling with the emotional punches for as long as he can remember. This is no different. So what if the last five years are a lie? So what if he can't trust his own memory? Guillermo is resilient. Guillermo is rubber. Guillermo kills ‘em with kindness and lives to fight another day. Or...

“Fuck you, Nandor,” he reaches up to finish tying the cravat, angrily cinching it around the vampire’s neck with a painful tug.

“Ouch! Watch it with that!” Nandor complains, batting Guillermo’s little hands away. Guillermo crosses his arms over his chest and glares back at him with fierce, thunderstorm eyes. Nandor’s never seen his familiar like this. So forceful…he shakes his head violently, banishing the stupid horny thoughts attempting to take over.

“Alright! So I hypnotized you a few times. So what? Kind of comes with the job there, Guillermo. Did you even read your contract?” 

“You mean the one you scribbled on the back of a Panera menu?” Guillermo rolls his eyes. “How did it go? ‘I.O.U. one unholy transition. Signed, Nandor the Relentless’?”

Nandor scrunches his face up and he shifts his eyes as he tries to remember. There must have been more to it…

“I don’t think…” he falters, losing steam for a second before riling himself back up through sheer force of will. He is Nandor the RELENTLESS! “That’s neither here nor anywhere, Guillermo! The point is...eh...the point is you should have expected the occasional hypnotic trance when you took the job! It is common sense!”

“You’re right, master,” Guillermo says in the tone he uses when he doesn’t mean the thing that he is saying. “Silly me, expecting that you’d treat me any differently than one of your victims.”

Nandor feels like he’s rapidly losing the thread of this conversation. Or, more realistically, that the thread ran out from between his fingers long ago and he’s grasping at the empty air. Guillermo thinks he treats him like a victim? After all the troubles he went through to get the smelly red flowers and the music for his dirty biting fantasy? After he saved him from Nadja’s horrendous aim? After all of their chess games and strolls through the moonlit hunting grounds and the countless hours Nandor has spent listening for the soft thump of Guillermo’s human heart? This is what he thinks?

Nandor curls his lip and hurls his next words to Guillermo’s feet with disdain, “Didn’t you say you were jealous of my victims, Guillermo? Well, now you do not have to be. You are one. Perhaps I should finish the job.”

Guillermo barks out a sound that’s somewhere between a laugh and a sob, “Oh, please! You’re not going to kill me anymore than you’re going to turn me.”

Guillermo turns away, the job of dressing his master left unfinished and he starts to leave. Nandor looks at his familiar’s back and he sees him running away, abandoning him just like in his dream. 

“No!” he roars, lifting off the ground several inches as he flies at Guillermo, tackling the human into the wall of his crypt and knocking a 700-year-old sword to the floor. He presses his hands into Guillermo’s shoulders, pinning him in place and marveling at the soft give of his flesh layered over strong muscles. “You are my familiar and I have not given you permission to leave!”

Guillermo’s eyes harden and he parts his lips to deliver what Nandor is certain will be a devastating blow. He’s going to leave him. He’s going to quit. All because Nandor wasn’t aloof enough! He can’t let him do this! If Nandor’s heart could beat he’s sure it would be bursting from his chest this very second. He squeezes Guillermo’s shoulders too hard, painfully grinding the bones beneath his palms as he lunges, burying his face into the pristine, smooth expanse of his familiar’s neck and biting down with all the force in his body. Guillermo screams and flails against him, but it’s pointless. Nandor is too strong and he’s hell bent on giving his human a bruise to match the one on the other side of his neck.

Guillermo’s blood was made for Nandor. It floods his mouth, coating his tongue like a thick, sweet nectar. He swallows it with a savage groan and presses harder against Guillermo, digging his growing erection into the softness of his belly. 

Guillermo is lost in a confusing tangle of rage, sadness, fear and arousal. He can’t fucking believe that Nandor is doing this, basically proving that Guillermo is nothing more than another human victim. And it really, really shouldn’t turn him on this much. His words ring in Guillermo’s ears as the life pulses out of him. Perhaps I should finish the job. Guillermo doesn’t believe for a second that his master is planning to kill but just in case…

He fists his hands in the vampire’s shiny, soft hair--hair he’s lovingly brushed and arranged every night for the last five years--and he yanks it back with all of his might. 

“Ouch! Fucking--” Nandor rears back, blood pouring down his chin and his eyes blown with hunger and lust. He captures Guillermo with those eyes and the familiar is drawn in like a moth to the flame. Why is he always chasing the thing that will hurt him?

Before he can second guess himself, and before Nandor can do something stupid like turn into a vapor, Guillermo grabs the vampire’s collar, tugs him down to his level and slams his mouth against his in a brutal, angry kiss. Fuck you for throwing an axe at my head. Fuck you for making me feel inadequate. Fuck you for kissing me and then trying to erase it from my memory. And really, truly, deeply, fuck you for making me love you anyway.

Guillermo’s hands paw at Nandor’s bearded jaw, holding in place as their lips slide together, tongues seeking and massaging. The salty copper taste of Guillermo’s own blood fills his mouth as Nandor plunders inside. The vampire moans, his hands straying down over Guillermo’s chest, his stomach, reaching around to settle over the round curve of his backside. Guillermo whimpers into Nandor’s lips as the vampire squeezes his fingers into his buttocks and simultaneously rolls his pelvis. There’s a sound in the distance trying to attract his attention. As if Guillermo would let go of this moment for anything in the world.

In the next instant, the door to the crypt flings open and Laszlo ducks inside, slamming it shut again just in time to keep out his shrieking, furious wife. Nandor breaks away from Guillermo, jumping back and holding his hands aloft with an obvious, guilty expression. 

Laszlo takes one look at Nandor’s blood stained mouth and Guillermo’s utterly ravished appearance and snorts in amusement.

“I fucking knew it!”

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 01x20

Dead Man’s Blood

“They said Dad 10 fkn times in the intro. Somebody has serious daddy issues” “terrible fkn joke” “she wants the bottle. I see how it is.” “what does a bar charge for the whole bottle anyway?”

Does it matter when you’re a vampire? “I think it’s funny for all the paranoid prepper types it that they have like 18 fkn locks and then they die trying to get into their own house.”

“They want your flesh” “He knows how to throw a knife and he didn’t have a wooden stake around?” “This is the stupid gun shit isn’t it? Goddammit.” “haha” idk how one human is going to feed that many vampires

“Is that wrapping paper on the table? For the set dress?” “Who is MCG? They’re an execute producer.” Joseph McGinty Nichol is an American director, producer, and former record producer.

“That’s the weirdest fkn intro ever” “yeah” said a really gruff whisper

You have a falling out with everyone, John. “I was going to say something similar”

“Its so urgent! We don’t have any time to talk!”

“Because it’s important” said in a gruff voice “it’s a need-to-know basis” “I’m kinda sick of all these vampires. Why can’t we hunt down Nadja from WWDITs but not kill her. Dean would be a good familiar.” FUCK JOHN WINCHESTER

“Hey! Need-to-know!”

“Drug blood” lol Jenny the vampire kills Dean Winchester

“He likes the shaft” Spouse started heavy breathing to imitate John

“Just punch John in the fkn face”

Lol Jensen looks so little between JarPad and JDM when they’re all above 6ft “They made it look like they were fucking on a pile of money”

🎶fucking on a pile of money. Aint got a care in the world🎶

“They can be out in the sun? Or is it not direct sunlight?” “inadequacy problems much?” “now you wanna talk? Fkn right now while you’ve got your hands all over that phallic object?” “So what there’s 7 bullets left or something?” 🎶unless he opens up a gate to hell and fucks the whole world yeah yeah yeah🎶

“There’s a vertical line in that shot, and it’s really distracting” We had to make sure it wasn’t on the TV “Maybe it was a bad sensor? Are these digital sensors? Probably digital at this point.” “and I spent it. Where is the actor from? Seattle? I wouldn’t have guessed that” “So what do they do with the blood? Coat the bullets in it?” “Why don’t they decapitate both of them right there? Ok. They did the one guy. Maybe they did all of them. Idk” “Can’t you just use more dead man’s blood?” “way to stare at Sam in the face and not say no” he’s a bad son of a bitch

“That’s an order” “he’s going to supersize that order” “how would he know? Didn’t they mask her scent?” “Maybe it’s just how they coached him for the show but the way John and Sam talk in this show just aren’t realistic. This manly whispering is weird. I’ve never met anyone who talks like that IRL, and if I ever do, I don’t think I’ll ever take them seriously” Told Spouse that John Wayne and other actors would talk like that in cowboy movies with the manly whisper twang thing. 

“John just came in his pants when the vampire died. The look he gave when the guy died was really gross. He’s even smiling. That’s the I came in my pants face” “I’m surprised that John shot a test bullet. I don’t think the college fund is enough to buy more of those kinds of bullets” “God, you’re dumb as fuck, John. So he says that but how many times do they split up?”

[frenchmess23yo]

A vampire working at a Sephora would be hilarious af can you imagine, a customer wanna try some perfume so they show their neck, meanwhile Jedediah have to refrain from losing his job cause fuck it if he bites the customer he’s fired. Now imagine a customer who know that and will comment every single time to tease the said vampire trying to make them slip and the two hates each other but slowly. The vampire is waiting every single day for the customer to return. Cause someone in this world know his true form and isn’t afraid of him or disgusted by him.

why are vampires always so ridiculously wealthy? I get generational money, but that shit has gotta run out. Give me a vampire who works the overnight shift at the seedy diner who can’t make rent. A nighttime security guard who’s leeching off a string of girlfriends. Casino vampires?? There’s no windows around. The possibilities, come on. Where are the crummy vampires living their shitty lives?