#wudnt wish this on anyone

[roses-and-elixir]

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[madamquacklemore]

Chapter 3 A tale of Tales

A/N this will feature moments from the series s03 e05 so you have been warned of spoilers! Again than you all for your feedback much appreciated and as ever i loo forward to your thoughts! When writing I find music helps set the tone for a particular scene or character. So here is this chapter’s inspiration:

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids Shaking through my spine and down through my ribs No more dreaming of the dead as if death itself was undone No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in the garden ......No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world Blinding-Florence and the Machine Destiny is all arselings!

Finan POV "Easy Lil," Finan stood behind her straightening out her arm. Crouching down he added, "Now see your target and slow slowly slow-ugh!" Liliwen had pulled back the arrow with such force she winded him. She released the arrow not even looking at it,instead she glanced up at him. Sihtric and Osferth who had been watching the lesson laughed at him. "I'm fine child," he ruffled her hair. Liliwen stuck her tongue out at the other two men and moved to get her arrow which had not been too far off the target. A foreign tongue called out to them Finan couldn't help but smile as he watched the child run to her mother? Protector? Friend? Sister? There was still so many questions left unanswered. In the early days of her recovery Finan took it upon himself to visit her,   more than once a day if he could. Under the pretence of watching Liliwen he would potter about the room and listen to their strange language. Sometimes he would go in alone tell her about his day and what mischief Liliwen had gotten into. Despite there time together there was so much  they needed to know so much he wanted to know. "Fin..he..ok." Liliwen struggled with the English words she told them proudly. The three men turned to look at the little girl. "She has been quite the student in both her studies and her use of weaponry." Sihtric explained to Tarian. "Yes lady we fear Finan's very life might be in danger." Osferth added. "More lie his heart," Sihtric whispered to Osferth as they watched the exchange between their friend and new found ally. "Should you really be up and about Tarian?" Finan asked flinching as an after thought this was the first time he had called her by her name and was not invited to do so despite his visits. Tarian stared at him momentarily."Finan.." she began "I have been bed bound for more than a week I grow restless." "Understandable anything I can do?" Again Finan chided himself he could only imagine what Sihtric and Osferth were saying as he could feel them watching. As was the young Liliwen standing between them head back and forth grinning broadly. "I wish to find the Lord Uthred there is much we need to discuss." she replied. "Indeed there is lady." a voice replied from behind Tarian. Appearing out of nowhere as only Uthred could do, he stood leaning against the pilar with the Aethflead accompanied by the lady that helped Tarian not a week ago. "I suggest we move this sensitive discussion to my parlour?" Aethelflead suggested indicating to her lady to take Liliwen away. This simple gesture spoke volumes as the child walked away willingly-no protest or refusal . For it had seemed the child had grown accustomed to these strangers favouring one in particular offering nothing more than a few welsh words and a "'bye Fin" before she left the courtyard.

***************************** Tarian's POV

The lady of Mercia's parlour was a beautiful room. Fine dark wood furniture, colours on the walls Tarian had never seen before and soft furnishings there was also a fire to welcome them and ale waiting. Standing with her back against the fire, hands placed uncertainly by her side, she looked to Aetheflead seated at her table and the Lord Uthred standing behind her. "Where shall I begin Lord Lady?" "Perhaps the start?" Aethflead replied "Who are you and how did you come to be here?" Tarian sighed and shut her eyes briefly gratefully taking the cup of ale Osferth offered. After muttering a word of thanks she began "Some years ago there was a battle on the edge of our lands between Dane and Celt. We defeated them but at great cost. A great Chief was killed and his daughter claimed by the victor. That woman was my mother. She was brought to the Danish stronghold I believe it to be halfway between our kingdom of Powys and Mercia. Some time later I was born." "So you are both Dane and Celt?" Uthred asked, Tarian nodded, "Who is your father? He must be of great importance for those men to go to such lengths." For not even the mightiest of Danes went near the Welsh border these days. Like the Scots it was re-known for being a mission of heavy losses with minimal reward. Whoever sent men that far West had money power and influence.

"Jarl Jurgen" "Thee Jarl Jurgen?" Aethflead asked. Tarian looked up in surprise "You no of him lady?" "Just who exactly is this Jarl Jurgen?" Finan asked. Before Tarian could explain Aethelflead interjected surprising just about everyone in the room with her vast knowledge of Dane politics. "Only one of the strongest powers of the Norse and Danish invasion. He commanded the biggest invasion of Northern Frankia and has since moved on to Ireland. Although there were rumours he was on our shores no one dared believe it."

"If the Danes and northmen were to ever unite under one king it would be this Jarl Jurgen. He is the most respected and trusted of the Dane leaders." Uthred added. “So basically he's like your brother with just a much bigger army?" Finan asked. Uthred nodded. "No offence lady but I hope to god he never does set back  down on these shores."

"If my father had an interest in this Island again we would now it by now." "Yet you were taken." As to Finan's response Tarian had no explanation. If he was back why did he not come back for her himself if she was that important to him worth that much to take in the first place. "I do not know his reasons." Tarian replied. "Nor do I remember much of him just that I hardly saw him as he was constantly away on raids. One night the estate was attacked my mother and I escaped with those who had raided the stronghold. It cost my mother her life. Up until recently I had believed we had been rescued and reunited with my mother's people. However now...Now I am not so sure." "No??" Uthred asked. “You now as well as I do Lord that Danes do not typically use poison." Which meant it was one of her own that wanted to kill her there was no doubt in anyone’s mind. "Jaesus does no one make squares anymore?" Finan joked. "First curses now poison arrows mother of divine sufferin'. What happen' ta killin' a man-or in your case a woman- in a fair figh' " offering much needed reprieve from their dark thoughts.

Once the laughter had died down, Tarian asked. "So now you now my story lord what now?" "We still do not know how you came to escape." Aethelflead asked giving Tarian the feeling she did not trust her. "I had a friend who was amongst them. That friend was killed helping us." Aethelflead apologised and gave her condolences. "Do you hold true to your oath?" Uthred asked. ”I will if Liliwen is kept safe." Tarian replied but she already knew the answer although they may not trust her they were good people they were not the type to serve up a lamb to the slaughter. "Why can't we just sent her back to her own people? Won't she be safe there?" Osferth asked. "'Cause, baby monk it wud be challenge in itself to get Lil back not mention she probably wudnt stay. Also not ta mention if Tarian was poisoned by her own people imagine what they would do to the child." Finan explained. "Am I righ'?" Tarian nodded then tilted her head to the side and examined the Irishman. Lil he called her..Finan has grown fond of her and she him. I knew i made the right decision.He is no fool either. "Is she your child?" Aethelflead asked. "No. She is not. I knew her mother. We were friends. About two years ago Liliwen witnessed her parents deaths when they tried to take her she took her first life and I the others. She had not spoken a word since last week." "A six year old killed a fully grown man?" "By sheer chance. When he grabbed her she had already taken his dagger the Dane tripped and fell he fell on to the weapon in her hand causing his death and nearly crushing her in the process. Whether it was the trauma of a parents deaths or taking a life at such a young age that rendered her mute I do not know." "Look  the important ting now is she alive she talking shes smilin' she's even gettin' along with us." Finan reached out in an attempt to comfort her. "Yes she is already getting along with my little Aelfwynn. I worried at first but she is very gentle." Aethflead smiled.

Blinking back tears that threatened to come down she brought herself back to the matter at hand. "So Lord Uthred? Lady Aethflead?" "I could use another warrior. Lady?" “The child will remain here. Her English is improving my ladies tell me." "She will earn her keep I promise you lady and as for your daughter she will guard her with her life." "Aye tha' she will Lady the child's already showin' promise as a warrior. Mus' be the Celt in 'er." Finan teased winking at Tarian.  Tarian laughed and for the first time in what felt like years like a great load had been taken from her shoulders and replaced with a strange warm feeling in her belly. A warm feeling she noticed that only seemed to increased whenever the handsome Irishman looked her way.

  As Tarian was now sworn in as part of Uthred's company Finan was tasked over the coming weeks with testing her battle skill and together they would train both Liliwen and Osferth. "So you don't use a shield lady like at all?" Finan asked as they gathered outside the walls of the estate the footsteps crunching on early snowfall. "No. Our tribe typically don't. We stick to our borders and when the enemy comes too close we attack from the trees. Or draw them into the forest and spring our traps. Shields would only slow you down." "That makes sense." Osferth replied. All three of them looked at him. "Well it does even I understand that much." he muttered. "We...t-te"Liliwen began picking up staff and shield. She was beginning to understand more words by the day. The workings of a child's mind never ceased to amaze Tarian. Only in her deepest desires late at night would she admit to herself a longing for a child of her own. A man she could live without but she longed to be a mother. Maybe that was why she took it upon herself to take care of Liliwen even if that meant she was now living away from home and her mother's family because of this. "Sound it out" Finan encouraged. "Tee teach! Teach you m-monk!" The three of them laughed. Liliwen was a charmer there was no doubt in that. "Ay lady baby monk is righ'. Trouble is not all our fightn' is done in the trees. You wanna fight with us then you will have to fight sword and shield." "Ah yes the infamous shield wall." Tarian replied taking the shield Finan handed her. Osferth pulled himself and Liliwen to a safe distance as they watched. "Now which is your sword arm?" "Both" she replied simply. "No I mean which arm is strongest." "Both." Tarian repeated. "A warrior is taught from Liliwen's age to have equal strength in both arms. If one is subdued the other is equal in its defence. Finan nodded. "Righ' you defend yourself and I'll attack." Tarian nodded but did not move Finan shrugged and went in for the attack. Tarian side stepped hitting Finan not hard enough to knock him to the ground but enough to throw him off balance. Quicly he regained his composure. Tarian held her shield up as she had seen the Saxon and Danish men do so many times and waited. They circled each other then out of nowhere it seemed Finan had manoevered himself in and around her defence knocking her to the ground. She had heard of his nickname "Finan the agile" and now she had seen for herself. There he sat on top of her his weight resting on his knees as he had her arms pinned above her head. It was not lost on Tarian that this was not the first time he sat atop of her. Forest green met deep brown eyes. She had never seen eyes quite so dark. They stared at each other Tarian could feel his grip loosening his face closed in on hers now a breath away. Tarian blinked where was his sword? Big mistake. She bit his hand and they tumbled as he cried out in pain. Gaining the upper hand she sat on top her hips on his legs either side her dagger that she had unsheathed from behind at his throat. "Do you yield Irishman?" "Aye lady you have won this round," he laughed that beautiful sound like as sweet as a song  Tarian was growing too fond off. Too fond for own liking, for her dear Gustaf was not long dead. It was if the memory of her fallen lover brought her back to the present she hopped up and off the Irishman. "You will forgive me Finan but I believe I am done for the day I do not wish to over exert myself."

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Finan POV *s03 e05 spoiler alert* Finan's jovial face now sobered "Yeah of course I-" Tarian walked away before he could finish his sentence. Liliwen and Finan exchanged looks before she followed her. What had just occurred between them? In that split second he recalled himself on top of her she wasn't resisting this time. How much he longed to kiss those full lips-audience or not. It was as if strayed into a dream and what a dream it had been. As with all good dreams reality came crashing down on him. She probably sense his longing and did not feel the same. What with having sworn herself to Uthred maybe she felt she could not refuse him? Finan made to go in after them to explain she owed him nothing, to tell her he expected nothing when Osferth called out to him. As he spun round In the distance he could make a figure on a horse striding towards them. Squinting into the distance he had a bad feeling about this. "Fetch Uthred tell him a woman is here to see him." "How can you tell its a woman?" "You have to ask?" The sight of Brida coming towards them seemingly on her own could only spell trouble. A million thoughts rushed to his head at once he would have to push his thoughts and dare he say longing? of Tarian for the moment. Duty came calling.

******************

Tarian’s POV   Tarian ignored the men hurrying to the horses. A single rider approached whatever it was she was sure Uthred's men were more than able. She needed to be alone. Was that selfish? Yes. Was she already breaking an oath she had just sworn? Possibly. What did she know of oaths? She had never sworn her life to one person before. Tarian's feet had minds of their own and they brought her to a Christian holy house at the far right of the estate. She could count on one hand the amount of times she had been inside one as a result of brave (and quite foolish) missionaries but only now did she truly appreciate how peaceful it was. Tarian sat at the far left corner not wanting to disturb the holy women, Liliwen beside her grasped her hand and said nothing. "I did not know you were Christian Tarian," a voice broke her through the mist that shrouded her minds After Lady Aethflead with her daughter Aelfwynn in tow blessed herself and the child mimicked her. Again Tarian felt that longing in her chest. Aethelflead look at her. "May we join you two?" Tarian nodded and moved down the bench for her. "I am not Christian but I find a strange sort of peace here. Many summers ago holy men came to our lands wishing to preach the word of your God. They were no threat our leaders knew this and permitted them to settle outside our borders but declined the invitation to convert. Several of us were fascinated especially those who had never seen peaceful foreigners up close before. It's how I learnt your language." "Ah I had wondered how you were able to speak our language as well. Well as I'm sure those priests told you and your people God's house is always open." Tarian did not mention what happened to the priests a year after they had settled it was probably best not to mention such things in their holy house. "As is mine. Something troubles you Tarian?" Aethelflead added. Tarian bit her lip. Where to begin? How could she tell the beautiful lady that she now found her heart torn in two. Guilt for having gotten Gustaf killed for knowing in her hearts of hearts that she may have given her body to him but never her heart and that he was killed for nothing? Or how despite only knowing the Irishman a short time Tarian felt something strange in her stomach it made her both sick and euphoric and in that short space of time they had known each other, even less time they had spent together Tarian found herself developing feelings for him. Feelings she could not recall having for Gustaf despite knowing him since she was an infant. Despite him risking everything when he would send secret messages to her warning her of Danes or confessing sweet nothings her heart was never truly his. "I feel I am conflicted." Tarian replied. It was as close to the truth as she could muster. "When we first met you in the forest you told us you had help escaping. Do you feel conflicted as that friend is now dead?" Tarian nodded eyes beginning to water she had never cried so much in her life. " "He was my lover." she added. "But I believe although his heart was mine my heart was not wholly for him. I find myself wracked with guilt as he died for nothing." She told Aetheflead of Gustaf's last words and allowed the tears to fall this time Aethelflead put a comforting arm around her shoulders. "From what you have told me he made his choice to keep you safe- keep you both safe. His choice was his own and he died a free man. If it is any consolation Tarian I know of what you speak. " Aethelflead replied and told the woman of which she had begun to think of fondly the story of her kidnapping . Of her love for Eric and how she knew in her heart of hearts that her daughter Aelfwynn was indeed Eric's and added how she had his smile something she had only dare tell Uthred. "And you murdered his killer his brother for revenge?" Liliwen said in their native tongue. Momentarily surprising Tarian yet again for the swift  comphrension the girl had of a language she did not yet fully speak . Aetheflead looked to Tarian who translated gently chiding the girl for not saying it in English. "Well at the time he was about to kill Uthred so I suppose you could  say i killed two birds with one stone" she laughed. The two women embraced one another and left the church arm in arm Aethelflead whispering of her pretty boy husband Aethelred the turd careful not to mention his actual name but the monicker they came up for him-pudding. Tarian translating certain parts for the Liliwen the four came to a halt when they saw the four men returning their horses to the stables. The female rider that had been announced was not with them and no one showed any obvious signs of injury yet why were they looking so grave? 

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Finan's& Tarian's POVs Aethelflead lead the children away and motioned Uthred to follow her yet there Tarian stood waiting for them concern showing on her beautiful face. No trace of whatever had made her uncomfortable earlier. There was no denying it now I'm mad for her.  Finan shook himself silly after the news Brida just brought and the decision Uthred had made there was no time for such thoughts. "What has happened?" she asked meeting him halfway. "Uthred." He began "Uthred's brother is dead." Tarian thought for a moment she had heard of Uthred Danish family what was his name. "Ragnar was his name" Finan answered her unspoken words. "A good man you know for a Dane. Uthred believes it to be the curse. I fear we have a near impossible mission on our hands Tari. You have sworn yourself to a man who believes himself cursed." Tarian looked up at the use of her nickname only Liliwen called her that then again Finan had a habit of giving those close to him nicnames Baby Monk for example which she would be lying if she said she did not find it utterly adorable. 

"Listen Tarian..about earlier when we were sparring I just wanted ta say that if I made you feel that you owed or as a woman are expect-"

She took his hand in hers bringing his words and his heart to a standstill. Looking him in the eye she said "Firstly Irishman I have sworn myself curse or no curse so you had best bring me up to speed" she smiled. "And secondly Finan do you not know well enough by now? I do as I please. Whether it be as a  warrior or as a woman."

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"He looks like he's been kicked by a horse what do you reckon she said to him?" Osferth asked Sihtric as he watched them walk hand in hand towards the hall.

"What do you think she said to him Osferth?" the young Dane laughed at Osferth’s reddening cheeks.

"What do you s'pose Uthred will say about this?"

"I do not believe I would care if two warriors were to hump each other as long as it was not against their will" said none other than Uthred behind them.

"Oh shi-sorry Lord you scared me." Osferth stammered.

"Come now baby monk there is much to prepare and you should not be spying. It is ungodly." Uthred teased as the three men made their way to the hall. Both men knew their Lord was putting on a brave face so they laughed all the same for who knew what dangers tomorrow would bring.

@geekandbooknerd @laketaj24 @sprinklesthrows17 @ariellostatci  @itzmegaaaaaaan @tesstrash @miahelizaaabeth 

[glisteningteardrops]

She got away

I let the one that got away get away because of internalized homophobia

I’m Almost 25 and still haven’t came out to everyone

I say I’ll do it once I meet the one

And I met her

She was absolutely perfect and everything I ever wanted

But I let her go and chose someone else

Someone I didn’t deserve nor that I wanted

She was so sweet and gave the best hugs

He yelled at me, made me cry and wish I wasn’t who I was

I thought love was pain so I went with that

Once it was over

I thought I could get her back but I ghosted her

And that was way to cold for her

She didn’t want me

I ended it before it started

I didn’t want anyone to know who I really was

Now I do and it’s almost 2 years later

I’m super alone and no where near where I started I want to prove to her how it should of been

I’m ashamed I went with him for all the wrong reasons

I told myself she couldn’t actually like me and he proved that he did

She said I felt like home but I wudnt let her come in

Every other woman I see is so boring to me

how come I’m still not over a girl... I didn’t even date

[t-shrt]

100 q tag

no one wud read it but ima do it anyways cos fun tag by @dubblebubble

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk cos i love tht crunchy crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? LOVE

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? receipts, pen lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? coffee=basic latte/hot tea, no sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? sometimes, not too often tho

6: do you keep plants? no but i want to but ill be terrible at it so no

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? digital art

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes very it keeps me sane

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side/back, back esp nowadays

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? lots lol

12: what’s your favorite planet? earth? hahahah it used to be jupiter cos i loved sailor jupiter as a child

13: what’s something that made you smile today? friend + nct + fics

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? two separate bedrooms, a balcony, good amount of plants, separate fridge for alcohol, sizeable kitchen

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! it rains diamonds in jupiter and saturn $$$$

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? bolognese hahahaha im boring

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? i just dyed my hair a darker ash brown n i quite like it ive been light for awhile

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one came 2 mind cos we both recently talked ab it, a longtime close friend of mine n i used to have the biggest fight where he threw me a pair of scissors n i threw him a basketball in retaliation lmfaooo it still became a running joke more than a decade later...

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? not really...prolly shud

20: what’s your favorite eye color? i actually like brown hahah, maybe a slightly lighter shade of brown

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. it was a gift from my parents, a simple small messenger bag with a lot of slots, brought it with me literally everywhere, during my hookups, my night outs, been stained with questionable things (its been cleaned lol!).... almost lost it in a club only to be found by a friend... it has foundation stains tho lol

22: are you a morning person? n o

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? sleep, listen to music, watch stuff, not reply to messages

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? nothing rly comes to mind but im p sure ive been somewhere like tht lol

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? LOL my adidas superstars

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? ermm the red colored ones?

28: sunrise or sunset? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm very good question

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? hmm what comes to mind is the way both of us sometimes exchange goodnight msgs w nct farm emojis heheeh

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? lol ofc....

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. unfortunately im rly basic on socks, u wud most likely find me wearing black ankle socks or black ballet(?) socks nothing more nothing less.......

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. a lot has happened usually during that time lol. duno which story to pick honestly hahahah. i think a memorable one might be when we were drinking n played games and we talked and talked and joked n nek min one by one we fell asleep in the same room hahah... im sure there are other stories tht might be more eventful but fr the life of me my memorys fuzzy rn lol

33: what’s your fave pastry? i love strawberry shortcakes! or mille crepes

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i kept a LOT hahah. prolly named a few, but nothing was too special. i think it rly reflected how i managed my relationships then, n evn yrs aftwds, like i ws always lonely n my instincts were to gain quantity cos deep down i cudnt trust ppl n cudnt get too committed lololol

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i was cos sometimes ppl wud make pretty colorful notes, but i usually just buy ones tht i wud use cos practicality.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? mmmmm is it cheating if i say nct cos they cover a range of genres lmao. but their ballads i guess yeah.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i mean i prefer to keep it clean, but its always really messy HAHAHA ;_;

38: tell us about your pet peeves! 1. someone rude 2. someone who doesnt know how to respect others’ boundaries 3. someone self-entitled n takes themselves 2 seriously

39: what color do you wear the most? black on black on black on black baby

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? an evangelion ring, its the black (lilith) moon with lcl gem in it, to me i guess symbolizes my struggle with human relations, n how eva as an anime illustrated tht n the fantasy of having everyone’s consciousness merged into one--n the fact that lilith in itself (in astrology) signifies the darker side of a human being? i guess n the fact that evn if u acknowledge ur darker side u cud still use it to further urself

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? hmmmm i guess last was a self help book, unfuck your boundaries, helped me support my need to strengthen my boundaries

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! little rogue :) its in a small alleyway, a little quaint shop, easy to miss... small potted plants, with an amaaazing matcha latte

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? siiigh a guy i was involved with lmfao i cut him off tho

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? hmmmmm good question i guess lately ive been very thankful tht i could feel comfortable taking my own time and space, n accepting the positive energy others wn give 2 me. being single really, really does help evn tho id feel lonely sometimes, bc the only weight i carry is the weight of my own soul n i wn learn how to nourish that

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? very i think

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i have a lot HAHAHA if u were a friend of mine ud prolly get tired of them. a genuinely bad one wud be haha youre so punny lmfao

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? nothing rly lmao if theyre healthy n someone derives happiness frm it i wudnt want it to be banned

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? probably not lol, i mean i think i retained similar fears since i ws a kid but now obviously my biggest fear(s) would be more...specific to me

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? its the digital age baby spotify ftw (in all srsness i wish i collected vinyls tho hh)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect ramune bottles lmaoooo

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? hmmmm nah lets not do this right now lol

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? LOL too many but i love shitpost quality memes tbh

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? pulp fiction. i actually loved it, i think i still do, its entertainment value is kickass, havent taken the time to dissect it in any other way

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? oh man i think it ws the dude i ws seeing lmao fk him

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? a lot, n most of them im not proud of, cos some involves self harm

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? kindness n genuineness, someone’s courage in being vulnerable

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? dont feel like it rn but everytime i do 10/10 will dramatically reenact the lyrics right to the guitar riffs

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? im definitely the wine (aunt) lmfaooo im already one tbh 

59: what’s your favorite myth? Eros + Psyche, Icarus and the sun

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i love poetry hahah...cant think of any rn

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? id love any gift given 2 me as long as they wont harm me or anything lmao n i dont think ive evr given anything too stupid. well.. idk if this is stupid tho like i sent flowers thanking my ex for ‘helping me live’ well aft we’ve blocked each other off cos the end to the relo was js daaamn toxic lmao

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? music i do spotify n im pretty particular ab organizing my playlists i guess. my books im alright with as long as theyre just stacked properly no problem

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? prolly rly dark blue cos its 12 am

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a lot tbh cos ive rly been focusing on stuff internally

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? daisies, sunflowers, n baby breath here n there

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? somber i guess maybe a tad bit nostalgic?

68: what’s winter like where you live? heeella cold not cos of the temperature itself but the winds thooo, if it drizzles evn in the slightest it feels like needles piercing through ur bones literally

69: what are your favorite board games? i like the game of life, ummm cards against humanity?

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no n never will lol

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? the fruity kinds

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yea def lol

73: what are some of your worst habits? disappearing from people when i feel strong emotions

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re small but they’re so full of love, full of life, full of strength, and full of care for others, they’re the type of person who will seek their goals till the end despite obstacles and still be able to not lose their warm heart on the way. they put so much thought and care to every aspect of their life even when in the past they have been handed some bad things, and i adore them for that.

75: tell us about your pets! none :( wish i have a cat though

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? hahahhaah

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink!

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neither sometimes i think theyre weird sometimes cute sometimes weirdly cute lmao

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? write up 24 things they love about me to stop me from hating myself

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white. no but if i had to id say white anyways lol cos its a blank canvas

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. i dunno uhhhh her rounded eyes which seemed to at first glance, harbor plenty of wonder seemed to be weighted by many untold secrets, the traces of which could be found when she erupts into laughter where the wonder would manifest itself in the form of small stars in the dark of her eyes.

82: are/were you good in school? meh. i try

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? weirdly i like cigarette after sex’s one cos its so simple yet telling

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? planning on getting an evangelion one, another heart one, a sunflower one, and prolly a ghibli related one

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? manga? naruto 4evr LOL

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? hmmm thinkin of dpr live’s IAOT

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? lord of the rings, harry potter, one of ghibli movies lol

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? i think impressionism is very cool evn tho i dont do it myself

89: are you close to your parents? eeeeee

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Melbourne is a wonderful city where many things could coexist in one--happiness and sadness, camaraderie and loneliness, hot and cold, quiet and full of life, productive and relaxed, bursting with unfocused energy yet incredibly organized, and for many reasons it’s become one of my favorite cities, and definitely my favorite to live in.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no plans tbh lol maybe home?.......japan? heheheh nahhh

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? it depends lol mostly i guess drowns my pasta in cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? i always wear it down, either straight or wavy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? a friend of mine

95: what are your plans for this weekend? stay in most likely, do stuff

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100% procrastinate lmaoooo

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ISTG, jkjk INFP, leo sun aquarius moon cancer rising, ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? im alws meh ab hiking tbh lmao 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Long Slow Distance - NCT 127, Four - Sleeping At Last, idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish, Stop This Train - John Mayer, Digital Lover - Crush

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past so she’d stop focusing her life around anybody else but herself

[crystalizedmoon-x]

Your in a difficult position cos you carnt even have time apart as you live together and on lock down you carnt stay with someone just cos they are dad to kids if they did you wrong and did something they said they wudnt then that aint OK is it? he expects you to get over it shut up and move on so he will just expect that again in future for something else wont he you carnt agree on something do it and get over it

I'm sorry but your grammar has made me feel so uncomfortable. 😂😂 However, yes I agree. It's difficult as we live together and have a family to think about, taking away anyone else's opinions, I would have left yes. Not just because of the situation but because of the way it was handled too, I believe a dishonest man is no man for me. I however, want our relationship to work but I am struggling to budge my anger, I think it's because I finally trusted him and truly believed I was centre of his world but then obviously in any girls mind to come across that, it'd destroy that, it isn't just me. I'm angry about it and paranoid now, I never ever used to wonder why he takes his phone to the toilet, who he's messaging etc but now for obvious reasons.. I do. I loved that I was never ever paranoid in this relationship until now so naturally my back is always up. It's made it hard for me to feel natural around him, if I feel down or angry I'm worried he wants someone else, if I don't give out, I'm worried about that too but yet don't feel comfortable doing so because I'm so angry... I keep trying to get over it but I'm really struggling. I'm trying because I want my family but I keep taking out my anger about it on him daily without even realising and then combine that with manic hormones and post natal depression which I refuse to admit to anyone I'm suffering but I am. It's hard in ny head 😢 and I just wish I had someone to talk to

[gotalobotomyatclaires]

so this guy i met while i was in london is so sweet and idk like i dnt think i like him but what if i do n jus dnt kno it? i’ve nvr liked anyone healthily in the past so i dnt even kno wat it means 2 like some1 whose acc a decent human being to u lol, like i can tell 4 sure if i dnt hav feelings for some1 but i cnt do it the other way round...he’s jus so so nice nd caring n idk im probs jus idealizing him bc he seems so perfect lol which is v v bad lmao and like wat if we’re together then i start fucking shit up bc i can’t commit n i get scared lol or wat if i let myself b vulnerable n date him n then he leaves me then i get super sad like i’m already extremely overwhelmed even wen having no love interest or anything, having a love interest will jus make things worse for me bc romantic feelings r one of th biggest problems i have...i wish i wasn’t so scared of dating or being in a rs and i wish i wasn’t able to develop romantic feelings lmao cuz this shit hurts a lot...i dnt kno how 2 deal w others in a healthy manner it’s all so hard ugh. i could’ve worked w being FWB but nvr agn after th last time i had a FWB like shit jus doesn’t work out for me ugh...th worst part is abt this is tht i dnt even feel like i deserve care or nice treatment so i keep feeling paranoid bc it jus doesn’t make sense 2 me like y wud a guy b nice to me idgi shit jus doesn’t add up...n the thing is it wudve been easier if i stayed in london but i’m not going back until june so i’m jus in this awk ass on hold phase like i can’t hang out w him more so idk where to go from here...but i did tell him like btw if u meet any1 thts completely fine we can jus still b frnds (i’m being a 100% honest i rlly wudnt b upset abt tht bc then it’ll take away tht romantic burden and i’d still wna c him as frnds bc he’s rlly fun so tht wud work) but yea ugh idk shits stressful

[dumblr-dor]

Hi. If you do not want to read a rant abt my personal life (barring all names and descriptions of course) please continue scrolling :)

So why do you think it's ok to break rly important info over text?!?! Like?!?!?! Kinda rude if you ask me. I mean you decided that the best way to break up with someone was in their instagram dms. Cmon my guy. I stg I understood that you wanted to break up with me, but texting about it?!?! In a long paragraph?!?! AfTER SHUTTING ME OUT COMPLETELY?!?!

Again. I'm not mad @ u breaking up w me. I get it, I rly do. But then you pull this shit AGAIN when you say you may not be able to hang out with me anymore because you think I'm not rly that nature. AGAIN. I UNDERSTAND. BUT WHY. OVER. DMS.

AND HERE THE THING. ITS BEEN TWO MONTHS SINCE WE'VE BROKEN UP. AND TWO WEEKS SINCE WE'VE HAD A MEANINGFUL DISCUSSION. AND SOMEHOW I STILL KINDA HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU EVEN THO YOU COULD HAVE, Y'KNO, NOT BROKEN UP WITH ME OVER TEXT.

I'm sorry, have I reiterated that enough? OVER MOTHERFUCKING DMS.

AND U PULL THIS BS AGAIN WHEN YOU SAY WE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HANG OUT ANYMORE. YOU COMPLETELY FREEZE ME OUT, EXPECT ME TO BE FINE WITH IT, AND THEN REPLY WITH A LONG ASS PARAGRAPH AFTER I HAVE TO PROMPT YOU INTO TELLING WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US.

BEYOND THAT, YOU WONT EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME ANYMORE. IF I BLOW OFF ANOTHER PERSON TO SPECIFICALLY SAY HI TO YOU, YOU BASICALLY IGNORE ME, ALTHOUGH IF I SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH FOR OTHER PPL TO NOTICE, ULL JUST WAVE AT ME AND SAY "oh hey" AND KEEP WALKING.

BUT OF COURSE I CANT TELL ANYONE AROUND ME ABT ANY OF THIS BCUZ UR A GODDAMN ANGEL. AND I DONT MEAN THAT IN A SARCASTIC WAY, U RLY ARE A FANTASTIC HUMAN BEING. SO HERE I AM, SCREAMING INTO THE ABYSS KNOWN AS TUMBLR, TO LIKE 15 PPL EVEN THO IM 99% SURE NONE OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY GONNA READ THE WHOLE POST. I HAD TO GO AS FAR AS TO BLOCK YOU ON TUMBLR SO YOU DONT SEE THIS AND GET UPSET OR SUMTHING. BECAUSE GOD FORBID I MAKE YOU UPSET, BECAUSE IDEK WHAT ID DO.

AND WHEN I FIRST READ THAT SECOND TEXT, DO YOU KNO WHAT THE FIRST THOUGHT THRU MY HEAD WAS?????? "oh god, not again." THE FACT THAT THERE HAD TO BE A "NOT AGAIN" JUST SPEAKS MY GUY.

BUT I STILL WANNA HANG OUT WITH YOU. I WANNA FORGET THAT THE LAST TWO DAYS NEVER HAPPENED

ACTUALLY, NO, SCRATCH THAT. I WISH THE PAST SEVEN MONTHS NEVER HAPPENED. I WISH ID NEVER POSTED THAT STUPID FKN "send me a heart if u have a crush on me" THING ON MY INSTA STORY. I WISH ID NEVER THOUGHT OF THE POSSIBILITY OF US AS A COUPLE. BCUZ SURE ID NEVER HAD MY FIRST GF BUT THEN I WUDNT HV TO DEAL WITH THIS CONFUSING MESS OF A "FRIENDSHIP."

BUT ABOVE ALL, MAN, I JUST RLY FKN MISS U. BUT I CANT TELL U THAT CUZ THEN ID HAVE TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOVE, AND THEN I WONT BE ABLE TO LOOK *YOU* IN THE EYE ANYMORE, AND THEN EVENTUALLY WE'LL END UP PASSING EACH OTHER IN THE HALLS AND NOT EVEN LOOKING UP TO SAY HELLO. AND I RLY DONT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN, SO INSTEAD, HERE I AM. MY EX BLOCKED ON THIS HELLSITE, UR NOT REPLYING TO MY DMS ANYMORE, AND NEEDING TO BOTTLE ALL OF THIS UP UNTIL I HAD TIME TO RANT ON TUMBLR ABT THIS.

im just so tired, man.