crystalizedmoon-x

[crystalizedmoon-x]

One of the most terryfying feelings is knowing something isn't right with your mental health and doing all you can to get help but not getting what you need and nothing touching the sides. Sometimes I'm invincible and others I'm so low I just wanna top myself and feel like everyone would find their lives easier. Some nights I don't even sleep because my brain won't shut off and I'm so exhausted all the time and others I feel amazing but still barely sleep cos my brain is going going going and I don't know how to stop these things happening. I feel like im the worst person in the world and I can't get anything right not for me or anyone around me. I feel like an awful mum. I feel like a constant burden. It's exhausting. I don't want to wake up in the mornings and nothing feels exciting anymore. I try to feel exhilaration and happy with stuff but in the long run it never lasts long.

[crystalizedmoon-x]

So frustrating being snapped at constantly lately and feeling like I'm the reason everyone's stressed out and behind on everything. Like I had any control what so ever then to be subliminally made to feel like shit for it. Ask a simple favour as I'm heavy as fuck on my period on top of everything else I'm dealing with and I really need some big maternity pads due to these bloods thinners affects as I'm leaking through everything. I ask a simple favour of stopping at tesco to grab me a pack or two before starts on the house as shops shut at 4 and I only have 4 bad pads left which will last me a few hours so I'll be fucked all night with no shops open to get any. Instantly get told a stern angry no, so at some point today I need to get both kids ready and myself and walk to sainsbury as my nearest shop won't do the pads I need . All whilst trying to keep my heart rate down so I don't pass out as my hearts under strain already and all whilst trying to be quick enough before I leak through cos I'm so heavy and with two damn kids in tow. I just feel like a constant nuisance lately and wish I was healthy and able to do things by myself effortlessly. I just feel like the biggest burden in the world these last few weeks and it's a horrible feeling. 😭

[crystalizedmoon-x]

😢 One day I won't feel guilty anymore..

[crystalizedmoon-x]

I've got plans in my head. I need to and MUST stick to them. It's the only thing I have to cling on to that gives me any kind of happiness or hope at the moment.

Remembering why I started this in the first place, how I got here and what I wanted from it. I won't stop until I've got it.

[crystalizedmoon-x]

You just know when someone's energy is changing. Whether it's towards you, life, their energy in general. You can feel it. You know it.

I think these changes should have been made prior to making making the biggest decision of my life.

Because, in reality, its not something that's been experienced before hand and The one thing I said I never wanted to be, I've become. There is absolutely no way out of it or even around it. I understand. I'm not stupid. That doesn't mean I can't feel something though.

It's quite degrading. To become the one thing I said I'd never succumb to, the useless shit that has no idea what's going on outside in the real world other than when I'm accompanied. My fault mainly, I push everyone away. I have 3 people making the effort for me and I just dont do it back because of my weird ass stupid issues. Its only a matter of time before they give up too. I'm starting to become okay with being a loner these days. I've pretty much forgotten how to socialise anyway.

I'm in a weird situation. One I do not have any control over at all. I'm super happy to be moving in with my mum though as I think I'll find myself a bit more there again. Childhood and all that. Closer to home. Less of a constant dark mind wondering whether if I even want to wake up at all. Its funny how my anxiety has gone from health anxiety and panic over it, to feeling so angry with feeling unwell 24/7 and my mind becoming unwell with it that sometimes I find myself wondering if I even want to be here at all, just moments of these thoughts. Don't panic. I'm not suicidal. Yet😂.

The minute I feel angry and out of control lately which is extremely often because I'm finding I have so little control in my world right now I just take it out on myself. Like I cant allow myself to feel it, so I stop it and feel it elsewhere instead. Now I'm stuck being unable to be seen naked for probably weeks, probably longer as its a common occurrence recently. I guess that's what 'outfits' could be for, 'disguise'.

I find myself using tumblr late to express myself when my minds going at 1000mph and I'm too tired to sit up and write in my journal so I write here instead.

Like an outlet before bed. Maybe if I write it, I'll think and feel it less. I guess this is my own mind telling me we aren't okay but we are. I'm not happy. I should be, but I'm not. I laugh and smile and feel it but I don't feel feel it. I can't remember the last time I felt giddy and happy. True happy. Like my world didn't feel so dark like I have to physically force myself awake, drag my body just to function. Feel really low constantly and have snippits of feeling good, then realising it was just a slight 'manic' episode and hit a low again when I realise days later I couldn't afford that massive purchase I made via some sort of klarnac/clear pay shit, in the moment it feels like I could find the money anywhere and everywhere then a day or two later I'm like oh shit. And oh yeah, this common occurrences of ups and downs and impulsive behaviours make sense now since I found out was diagnosed with bpd at the age of 17! Long story but now my mind makes more sense. I guess. 😂 Anyway, I miss that light, energetic, happy feeling. Like the cover being lifted from your eyes and waking up actually being excited for the day. No anxiety. No stress. No dark thoughts. No dread. True happiness. True laughter. Real smiles.

Hopefully, soon. I can't handle much more of this.

[crystalizedmoon-x]

Missing bunny so much I wish we could have kept her but with everything happening and short amount of time and no room we just couldn't keep her but I really miss her and I'm so sad as she was the best anniversary present ever 😭 i always wanted to be a bun mum and she was the bestest bunny. I know she's happy and loved by them too but I still miss her so much.

[crystalizedmoon-x]

I'm so tense and I feel so sick. Its like my brain is in constant stress mode no matter what. It won't shut up. The house is cluttered. It's a mess. We are low on toilet roll and my anxiety gives me the worst anxious tummy... And I pee a lot when anxious so automatically my minds creating those things knowing we're short! My minds fucked up I know. I haven't eaten healthy today so I feel poop. I haven't exercised in 2 days, like my usual at home ones I have been doing great at. I haven't been planning healthy meals. My sleep is fucked. I can't sleep for shit. I have a constant anxiety when I leave the house I need to try shut up expecially if I go far away, I go quiet to try stop it. I want out but don't wanna go out. I hate the way I look right now, I hate my weight, I feel stuck. Yet I should be happy, because nothing is really that bad tbh, but my mind won't let me be. I'm in a constant state of tense, my Jaws tensed 24/7 so I have headaches all the damn time. I csnt tell if I'm ill and somethings wrong or if it's in my head. I'm so frustrated. I can't even get myself to book in blood test from abnormal bloods due to being too anxious to do it. I can't shut off for sleep so I sit on my phone until my brain makes me shut off and sometimes I even have to force that. The little things that are nothing to someone are non stop swirling in my head and huge to me that I feel so uncomfortable anxious and stressed. Like I wnana throw up from it. Gaaaaaaaaaah. I need a blissful day, sunshine and vitamin d, exercise so I don't feel guilty, healthy nutritious good good food, clean house, organisation, everything we need in, make myself feel good and not rush it from time, anxiety or feeling unwell so I cba or tiredness. Fresh bedding. Kids fresh bedding. Fresh nice smelling house. Maybe those will create a clear brain for me, my brain is so clouded with so much shit I want a clear brain even just for a day

[crystalizedmoon-x]

“Learn to say ‘no’ without explaining yourself.”

— Unknown

[crystalizedmoon-x]

Volcanic ocean rocks

[crystalizedmoon-x]

♪ Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through ♪

Cinderella (1950) dir. Clyde Geronimi, Hamilton Luske, and Wilfred Jackson

[crystalizedmoon-x]

“Struggling means that you’re trying.”

—

[crystalizedmoon-x]

What do you want for your birthday day?

A huge fruit breakfast with g3 croissants and nutella! Glass of oj in bed😜😜 a g3 cake. Hahaha its always food😂😂😂

[crystalizedmoon-x]

Favourite things your partners done for you recently

Do me unexpected hot water bottles and wrap me up at night so I'm warm 😊

[crystalizedmoon-x]

We all have things in life that trigger memories or thoughts of people. What makes you think of your partner when you think of it? Smell it? Hear it? automatic response triggers.

The song shaun mendes treat you better. Starbucks, we got it all the time in our early days and he'd always bring me Starbucks. so Starbucks automatically reminds me of him now lol. Christmas reminds me of him, I think it's because it's when we spent the most time together, I know we got together in July, but things started slow then and our major time together was Christmas, like when we got comfortable together, going for meals, Christmas shopping etc! The shopping centre blue water reminds me of him as we spent practically the entire Christmas seasons there going to cinema, shopping, food, cupcakes etc lol

[crystalizedmoon-x]

Have you ever had emotional or physical trauma? Speak about it

Both. I'll never speak about them. Never have and never will. @

[crystalizedmoon-x]

Get it all done so you can relax about Christmas and your wedding and little one birthday

I can't as we don't have the money otherwise I'd instantly make sure we had 250 put aside for the meal, some for my daughters birthday and get everyone's Christmas presents done so that's all the MAIN things done and less worry as it's only tiny bits then.

[crystalizedmoon-x]

Goals before Christmas? Any for new year?

I really wanna get everyone's Christmas presents done really soon so I can enjoy the lead up to Christmas, so that includes both families and our kids. So that all I need to do is worry about wrapping them and I can drink whilst wrapping them one day whilst listening to Xmas songs haha. I also wanna get the marriage day meal wedding put out the way so it's there and zero worries at all about that. I've estimated it to be about 250 for the meal for everyone alone, minimum. Not to mention outfits. I'm having myself question if we shoulda pushed it further lime February or march/April. As my daughters 2nd birthday is a mere 5 days later and she barely got to celebrate her 1st due to lockdown so I really wanted to hire a soft play for her with all the family coming down to make up for missing her 1st. So I dunno how we are going to pay for Christmas, wedding, her birthday and everything in between. I really wanna get my lips redone by Christmas too and feel good, even tho it's a tiny wedding, it's still a day to remember and a day you wanna feel good about yourself and have a cute little week planned after we got married of stuff for us all to do, one being my daughters birthday during that week too. It's tradition to have a blissful fun week after any type of wedding as it represents happiness and good luck. Money money money. 😭

Roughly estimating at 1200, and I don't wanna have to worry so part of me is contemplating whether we should push the date. I don't wanna settle and regret it so I'd rather push the date where I know all can be done.

I just wonder if Christmas, my daughters birthday etc and the wedding between the two is a bit much on money lol.