#it took years to accept it and now alhamdulillah

[roses-and-elixir]

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[bintturaab]

When I started practicing Islam, which was around 12 years ago alhamdulillah, my parents were such a huge obstacle in the way of trying to adhere to deen. I wasn't allowed to wear proper hijab, was sort of grounded, not allowed to read or listen to anything - even books of tafsir and hadith, not allowed to be with my other practicing friends, forced to drop out of arabic and other courses, etc etc. Home didn't feel like home but a battleground, on a daily basis.

Fast forward to present day; my family and I have dinner table discussions on matters of tawheed, my parents are the ones who facilitated my learning arabic and becoming an arabic teacher bi fadlillah (omg????), they've finished Shaykh Ahmad's tawheed series and loved it and are further learning tawheed and other aspects of deen, my mother finished tafseer ibn kathir twice already; may Allah bestow His endless blessings and mercy upon them and grant them the highest stations in Firdaws, ameen.

Thinking about how things had started and where they are now, wallahi makes me so overwhelmingly emotional. It fills my heart with so much warmth and joy that sometimes it feels like I can't contain it anymore. Allahu Akbar wa Lillahil hamd. No matter how many hundreds of sujud ash-shukr I give, it will never be enough to express my gratitude to Allah عز وجل.

Speaking from personal experience here, when it comes to giving dawah to our families, we really need to step up. They are the first we give up on, when they should be the ones we hold on to the most. Our parents are the most deserving of our time and patience and dawah, wallahi. I know the situation isn't the same for everyone, but honestly, how much do we make dua for the guidance of our families? Do we pray for them in every salah, in every sujud? Do we ardently make du'a for their hidayah every chance we get? Do we follow up our duas with constant dawah in a respectful manner and soft approach with patience and persistence? Do they see the best of us or the worst of us? Or do we just try once and then complain for the rest of our lives without giving due efforts?

Guidance is completely in the Hands of Allah, but wallahi our duas will never go to waste and we will see their impact whether tomorrow or 10 years later. It took my family 5 years to accept my dawah, it was a very gradual process but to witness their gradual change to better and better, from stubborn to being understanding, is so rewarding wallahi. To see them become even better than you, is the best feeling in the world. And it takes a lot of time and effort to come to that point.

When giving dawah to our families, we must be patient, be consistent, be persistent, be respectful, have good manners, be smart in our approach, and make lots and lots of du'a. We should priorities our families when giving dawah, because what's the point if the whole world benefits from us while we neglect our own homes?

These are the best days of the year, let us utilise them in making du'a for our families in sha Allah. May Allah guide us all and be pleased with us, ameen.

[carletes]

it would take me between 24-40 hours to get to pakistan. my grandmother has already been buried next to my grandfather. there's no sense in me going home; and even if there was, i don't have my passport right now. i couldn't leave if i tried. i get to sit with the blessing of grief, knowing that i am the person i am because of my grandmother. i went away so far in part to chase after this hope of being useful, of being of service, because of the morality she instilled in me. i was first introduced to the rights of trans people because of my grandmother, who told me trans people are closest to god because of what they suffer in the world. their prayers get heard soonest. she would feed the poor and homeless from the food she made using her own hands. she took us with her, so we could watch her hand-deliver food, so we wouldn't shy away from direct service. at the same time, she was a product of her generation; she believed in tough love. she was uncompromising and prideful. she said things that horrified me sometimes, that made me wonder if this truly was the woman i looked up to so much when i was a child.

she was. people are complicated. you can love people nonetheless. when i was with my grandmother, i felt like i was truly special, that i was loved unconditionally. i can accept the parts of her that i wish were slightly different or better and still love her with all my heart, and still grieve that i couldn't be there, that i haven't seen her in years, that she never got to meet my husband, that she will never see my babies. but my god, Allah blessed her with such a life. i can sit here and celebrate who she was until the very end, and i'm so grateful to have had the honor of knowing this woman this woman this woman. Alhamdulillah, that I know someone so well that I grieve so.

[thatdope90sgirl]

"Indeed with hardship comes ease", and "Allah does not test a soul with more than it can handle"

Exactly two years ago, I lost something that I never ever thought of losing. I had never felt the pain I felt then. I cried days and nights in sujood, Asking Allah "Why me ?". I lost senses of the things around. I felt broken, helpless. My dreams came crashing down. It felt as if my life had ended. I could see no hope. The only thing I did was to talk to Allah every single night about my pain. It took around an year and half for me to accept the fact that I really had lost what was so dear to me.

But what had happened in these years is that unknowingly I gradually came closer to Allah.  It was like I could turn to him for any tiny little inconvenience I felt and Allah made it easy for me. I didnt realise when Allah mended my broken heart, he gave me 'Sabr'.

Now when I think about this whole event. It feels so beautiful that theres someone out there constantly looking out for you. Indeed he is Al Jabbar, the mender of the broken hearts. You dont really forget the things or the pain . Allah just beautifully teaches us to accept and to live with that pain.

Even today I think about it, but it doesnt hurt as much because I know what I gained after losing is worth more than anything. And I read somewhere that ,When Allah wants to bring us closer to him, he takes away something that is precious to us. And this has proven to be true for me.

I trust Allah in whatever he does, and whatever way he takes me. Allah's plans are better than ours, Indeed he is the best of the planners.

Alhamdulillah ❤️

[emoverted]

stained motivation

Another day studying Japanese while listening to a senpai's podcast (I genuinely like it, I've been listening since the early days lol) and grew inspired for my writing. I decided to catch up on an older episode and boy was my intuition correct. The topic has also been on top of my mind lately. You can listen to the full episode here:

When you hear that someone is doing their doctoral degree in Oxford, the first few things that come to mind may be "smart," "ambitious," and many of those lovey-dovey adjectives. Though they might not be wrong, we often forget to consider the full picture. Kak Reybi Waren was no high-ranked student throughout high school. In fact, he deliberately failed classes, all because he couldn't accept that his parents couldn't buy him a motorcycle. A few years before, his mom had promised to get him one if he excelled academically. So he did in middle school but had his dreams crushed due to his parents' financial condition. Most inspirational stories would continue with "...and so he worked hard in school, gets a decent job, and finally gets the motorcycle he has always wanted." The difference in kak Waren's story shows what I see as a more humane continuation. He rebelled, intentionally doing bad in school to get back at his parents until he realized that he had hurt their feelings. This is what finally brought him to where he is now, Oxford. He changed his ways to make up for his mistakes toward his parents. But why do I say humane? Because I can relate to his story.

My closest are probably aware of this, but my stepping stone didn't arise from something oh-so gracious. I hurt my parents. Looking back almost 4 years since then, I still can't imagine that I had once put them in such a lowly situation amid their hectic responsibilities. What hurt most was instead of fully acknowledging it as a me-problem, they took in my misbehavior as their fault for raising me poorly. But again, without that experience, I wouldn't be where I am today. Their words pierce me to this day, and I know there's nothing I can do to make up for my wrongdoings back then, yet I still believe I can relieve their wounded months to some extent. Even to navigate it took some time. I initially thought punishing myself in any possible way I could do the job, but what kind of parent wants to see their child hurting, even if it's for their sake? Especially my parents who, Alhamdulillah, have always been so considerate of me. It was not until the pandemic that struck me with a life-changing and lifelong quest. Continuing from my previous writing, I initially shifted my persona with the help of online school. From the once unnoticed student now came an ambitious one. Again, I don't think this solves everything--this is not the end, and there will be no end. I have to swallow the hard pill that I am still in a huge debt to my parents, but I still have to find ways to ease it all, and I won't stop this far.

My motivation is stained and will forever be, but that's what makes it humane.

[tirelesslytenderthoughts]

i wrote this 7 weeks ago on my main tumblr after finished reading Rilke. i thought i might as well include it here after the longest time of not writing. here it goes–

i feel like writing my thoughts now that the season is mellow and rainy and cosy and everything else in between that fits the category.

my readings and books that i have read did not really evolve and the amount have become concernedly little. that only means life has taken its toll on me ever since. yet i continue and do not wish it to cease.

the age of 30 to me equals to the age of no longer accepting immaturity in any way but having only a year ahead of me before i turn to the said significant year proves me otherwise, though not completely. was i terrified of getting old? not really. i was quite adamant about it but the journey in completing my masters degree together with the process of getting married helped me shape quite an optimistic perspective, and here i am feeling thrilled as ever.

i feel like i’m allowed to start fresh all over again though nobody is stopping me. when understanding things flow better as i age, my worries become much less. don’t get me wrong, overthinking is never my companion but i’m guessing i have always been calculative around people over how i react and feel. being attentive is generally exhausting but now that i’m aware of how and who to give my time to, i’m more calm and it soothes my soul so much. this space i have in my heart for my loved ones sometimes aches but i frequently remind myself that god has ways to show me things and it’s my chore to process for my own betterment. that’s just how i learn to live.

imperfection is another matter that i try to live without. i learn to let go of things well by watching other people do it flawlessly. maybe there’s a moment i ridicule their selfish act, but through and through, i consider it a knowledge so i know when to hold myself back from reacting impulsively. for the record, i have been impulsive for the past years and let me tell you that being impulsive and attentive altogether would give you pain and sting to the head. 

i just finished reading Rilke’s letters. he preached on solitude for the betterment of one’s own, and as a hasty person reading them feels nothing but a soft slap in the face. though it’s precisely on creativity, i still took it personally. the thing about change is that i’m scared of losing myself along the way, be it marriage or aging or whatever that’s coming. let’s put it this way; i have this bell at the back of my head reminding me that if i act decisively, i might regret soon and if i’m indecisive, nothing is done and i’m insensible. 

no idea where this is going at all but 2023 has been the year that i collected pails of tears, not because of any loss so far alhamdulillah, but ironically, in knowing things and unveiling the (open) secrets that were always there for me to move forward and to be in the next stage of life comfortably. as fruit needs time in the sun to ripen, i pat myself on the back for braving through the unpleasant weight to feel this fulfilled at this moment in time, therefore grateful nonetheless. 

i’m sure there will be more thoughts i’ll be pouring down from now onwards as god has always been nice to me and life makes its own turns and twists when i believe it to be.

this feels nice. i shall do this more often.

the time is 18:06 and chore, responsibilities, and the love of my life are calling me. and i have never felt the unfeigned delight to be in their service. this surprises me, too. just like life does when perspectives undergo a sea change.

yours sincerely, x

[lykir]

L.O.S.T

Salam pheww as always Id come back here at least after a year or years, in this case its almost 2 years, mind you within this time it had been at least 5 times of trial of posting here but I ended up pressing backspace on hold..

A lot had happened within these 2 years, and when I said a lot I really meant it. For starters now I am in confinement period of newborn delivery for Mukmina and in March last year 2022 I already had Busyra, I know its kind of close right and this is what its all about.

Being in long leave, taking care of newborn and older children always made me kind of lost. There are so much things I wanted to do, be it business, writing, studying, self-enhancing but it will always ended up with nothing. I am always LOST. but today I am determined to write it here, I really need to vent out whatever it is because I like to come back here someday and read back this post to remind me how I actually managed through this phase.

So after my last post which was around Sept 2021, what happened is I became an MO in Plastic Surgery dept. To be honest I enjoyed being in that dept especially the part of becoming better in toilet and suturing and have a kind-hearted and God-sent bosses is not something u were always granted with. I'm gonna write here Mr.Shakir you are among the most-considerate person I've ever known and please stay like that because people like you is hard to find these days. I stayed in plastic for almost 8months plus confinement leave then I went to KK Seberang Takir in June 2022 and had an offer from HPUniSZA which I accepted and started on August as MO UD43.

in March 2022 I delivered Busyra and we were on barrier method for family planning. After we had Busyra we kind of super proud saying we're gonna retire for the next few years only to find out I was pregnant again a year later . Phewww God is the most powerful even on whatever method u are on your hand will never overdo His jobs.

"Pregnancy should be planned and wanted" -

That's what I always bear in my mind, little did I know I will be the one who go against it. I took few days to actually digest that I was pregnant again that time. Some may say that I overreacted but going thru phases of breastfeeding, expressing BM in work, return trip to babysitter to send EBM, sleep-deprived period, not to mention I've been sleeping on one side thru out the night to BF for 3 years which cost me backpain, dull eyes and etc. made me really2 overwhelmed by the news. Mukmina if u ever read this later I'm telling you its not that we don't want you its just that we're shocked. Now that I have you it was never a regret.

So now I am 30years old lady with 3 daughters under 4 years old. Alhamdulillah for everything He gave you it is indeed the best. This time even almost every night Mukmina tried to give me on calls reminder I was chill enough. I am at least at peace with it.

So up till today there was so much thing that happened that may affect my mental health but Allah is most-merciful I think I learned how to handle better. But there are times we were struggling with parenting but who doesn't right.

So my wish and hope for my future-self is I just want to be better spiritually, I felt like I've been in distraction for so long, its time to go back to where i was and live life to how I'm supposed to insyaAllah.

[delunellenoir]

How's life, Amaya?

Holla, it's been a while since you went away. How's life up there ? Hope you are happy there. Since you've been gone, life change so fast. Lemme tell you a bit, hun.

Before that, lemme say that life has struck me hard. 2022 was the hardest yet the foolish years for me. I've got my lesson at this year. Lemme tell you about my misery first .....

On 2022, I've had trapped with someone that has a NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) and he caused me get a huge problem on my work. And that problem are still haunted me until now. How about him ? Yup, he run away, he was transferred to another area, leaving big problems unresolved. And my bonus was also scorched by him. And because all of his love bombing and those toxic cycle, it left a very lasting effect and trauma on me. Well, сука блять :)

Also on 2nd quarter of 2023, I finally realized that all my exes are scumbag. Really, sometimes when I immersed in daydreams, I wonder why I force my feeling to those who have never seen me at all, not even a inch. And guess what ? They've already married now with their "crush" this year. And my mom already told me about them looong long time ago. And ... yeah, regret always comes last, right?

I used to ask them when we were together. I asked them, "Hun, if we are no longer together, or If your girlfriend are not me, do you have an imagination who will you take on date?". Surprisingly (but now I'm not surprised anymore), they can answer it fluently like "To be honest, I have a crush on *her name*. But don't take it too serious hun. I have you tho." And I even got an answer from one of my ex when we are got a fight after I threw that question and he answer it confidently. "I talked to her about our problem, and she was soo wise than you. I am getting confused because our problem seems only met a dead end. She comforts me." . Dang, such a jerk. My reaction at that time ? "Well, just married her already. You both fit each other". And it happened *lol. Yup, I am that pathetic.

But, there will always be good things after miseries , right? I also will tell you, mon amour.

I met many wonderful person with a low-profile and cool person. Like last time I met Asian Paint's Country Head for Indonesia, Mrs. AK. My impression about her ? She's energic, full of confidence, smart yet very humble. And one of my regret after met her is, why was I able to talk to her only at the last minute. I doubt too much about grammar. And from this time, I think I will re-learn and improve my English again, since the last time I spoke English was when I was in semester 2 on college (at that time my GPA on English were 3,96. Can you believe that ? ).

Alhamdulillah, God replaced all my difficulties and sadness with ease in terms of work. It's okay that my love story is depressing, but in terms of career and finance, God gave me an extraordinary gift. God makes it easy for all my work and desires, even trivial wishes.

Maybe you wonder, am I took action with all my sadness and frustration ?

Yep, I was.

I used to frequently use and abuse over-dose drugs, and you know what? Now I'm afraid to self-medicate, even when I catch a cold. Because the side effect that I got make me powerless.

So, one day I tried a hypnotherapy. Hope to release my catharsis.

And you know what ?

it makes me feel even worse than before.

Damn.

So in the end, I decided to release all of my feeling, try to accept everything that happened and let it go.

I think it's the best medicine --- in my opinion --- when compared with spend millions of rupiah to go to a psychiatrist and therapist. Right ?

I think that's all my updates about life.

Honestly, I really really miss you. Looks like I still can't follow you there, huh? God knows "they" still need me, I guess.

Wait for me a little longer, okay?

"Tu me manques, mon amour."

gros bisous,

delunellenoir ♥

[b-lessings]

Beh.. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

I do not know where to start the storytelling session from, but here is the brief version, 8 years ago I got accepted in a master's degree, I was happy, proud, excited, you name it.. but I was in a different phase of my life where my priorities weren't straight, and I sorta did things for the wrong reasons, but that's not the point. After studying and passing the first 2 years it was time to work on my research and write the MA dissertation thesis.. which took me about 2 years of wasted time, and I missed all the deadlines and ended up quitting and leaving the program without graduating. It was one of the hardest times it in my life. I only have one description for it: Painful. When I was trying to work on my research I was utterly and completely lost. I struggled with crippling anxiety, I wasn't sleeping or living properly, I was way under rock bottom. I remember the nights where I tried to force myself to study or write something, my arms would hurt and freeze on me, I couldn't even move my fingers on the keyboard, and I would end up crying myself to sleep. I watched my days slip away, my classmates making progress and me falling behind.. I still remember the pages of " pros and cons " on my diary that I filled with reasons trying to ease my pain and convince myself that I didn't need to graduate and that a degree doesn't make you happy. Anyways, let me save you guys the ugly details, long story short, I gave up. It was too painful. I let the rope go. How did I live on with that feeling and with the circumstances? Obviously not healthily. Little did I know back then that it was all a part of Allah's plan and Allah's test for me. Alhamdulillah. That was mid 2018.

A year later, I picked up school again. I enrolled in the master's program all over again, I had already gotten a full time job and still, with Allah's blessings, managed to study and work, pass my exams, improve my grades, and a year and a half later I found myself face to face with the research and the dissertation again, aka, my nightmare. Obviously, my very unstable brain decided to bring back all the psychological damage from last time and live in it. The episode of severe anxiety had begun, I went on antidepressants, I took a leave from work on to focus on research but all I did was procrastinate and cry about it. I know I tend to whine a lot on tumblr but a few of you have been close enough to me to witness the struggle and to see my pain, I am beyond grateful to any one and everyone who ever helped me even with a simple word of encouragement, may Allah swt bless your hearts and grant you pure happiness. Anyways, it was painful as well, except that this time, I did things the right way, with a closer relationship to Allah swt than my 2018 self, and seeking therapy, I was making progress, and obviously when you see yourself making progress it gives you a sensation of reward, you get high on the dopamine and you find the energy to keep going, and to reach the finish line, Alhamdulillah!

And it happened, with Allah's blessings and mercy it happened, with Allah's kindness and generosity it happened, and today, I am a holder of a Master's degree in applied linguistics after a journey of eight whole years!

Now of course shaytan can't see you or let you put your effort in something and work hard on it without trying to shake your self-esteem and distracting you with negative thoughts, like what are you doing? Your friends graduated 4 or 5 years ago. Have you seen how old you are? You couldn't do it last time there is no point in doing it now! It is pointless and your work is very mediocre. You are only wasting your time, blah blah blah.. But the key to break this vicious circle of self-doubt and negative self-talk is to realize the following:

To each their path, to each they journey, according to their own right timing. There is no rule in life that holds us to reach a certain milestone at an exact age or timing. To each their own experiences, and each person blooms differently, which is beautiful. There are 7.7 billion people in the world, do you think they all have the same goal or the same definition of success? do you think they all graduated by the age of 22 or 25? How many people do you even think got to go to college? It is not a fixed template that we have to all adjust our lives to. Absolutely not. Do not compare your journey to anyone else's!!! Walk your own path, with your own steps, write your own story!

And remember, it is okay to try again. It is okay to start over. It is never too late. You are gonna make it, the way you are supposed to make it and not the way other people made it. Success looks different from one person to the other. What works well for you does not necessarily work out for others. And if you fail? That's okay! Trial and error is a part of the learning process. Making mistakes is what makes us human, and perseverance is what makes us superhuman.

Writing this with all the love in the world. May Allah swt bless your journey and grant you the strength and patience to keep going. May Allah swt grant you success in this duniyah and the akhirah.

- A.Z. 🍃

[sisterssafespace]

Salaam! So I’m in that phase of life where parents die, I mean we are getting old and so are they, many of my friends lost their fathers in the past years, recently one lost a mother, and it’s like I’m holding their grief with my hands and crying for their loss all while dreading the idea of losing my mother, I don’t know how to be there for them without being a pain in the head, like I don’t know what’s the right thing to say or do, and I sleep and wake anxious about death visiting my parents 1

Assalamualaikum sister :)

First of all, I apologize for the late reply. This wasn't an easy ask, sübhanallah, it was very heavy and it needed for me to take it slow and check with my sisters. Kheir in shaa Allah.

There is one dominant thought that accompanied me the whole time I was reading your words: you need to change your perspective on death. Now, let me explain.

I know that we have been taught this religion from a perspective of fear, and death is supposedly the most horrifying thing ever, and then there is the moment the soul leaves the body, the pain of that, or what they call (سكرات الموت), the torment of the grave and then hellfire and whatnot. And the more we get blinded by the love of this duniya and of the material things, the more we are scared to leave, the more we are petrified with the idea of death. And that is why we cry so hard in funerals, and that is why death is depressing. It is always related to negative connotations.

Whereas, here is the thing: Death is the only solid truth about this world. It is the only one undeniable undoubted fact that all religions, all philosophies, all schools of thoughts agree upon. Death is inevitable. It is a portal that every living breathing entity in this world has to go through at a given determined defined point. How about we start by accepting this.

كُلُّ نَفْسٍ ذَائِقَةُ الْمَوْتِ ۗ وَإِنَّمَا تُوَفَّوْنَ أُجُورَكُمْ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ ۖ فَمَنْ زُحْزِحَ عَنِ النَّارِ وَأُدْخِلَ الْجَنَّةَ فَقَدْ فَازَ ۗ وَمَا ��لْحَيَاةُ الدُّنْيَا إِلَّا مَتَاعُ الْغُرُورِ

سورة ٱل عمران؛ الاية 185

Every human being is bound to taste death: but only on the Day of Resurrection will you be requited in full [for whatever you have done] - whereupon he that shall be drawn away from the fire and brought into paradise will indeed have gained a triumph: for the life of this world is nothing but an enjoyment of self-delusion.

[ Quran 3:185 ]

Another idea, is that Alhamdulillah for Islam through which we know that this worldly life is only but a step on the way. The final destination, our Home is Jannah in shaa Allah, that's where our souls belong, and that the only way to get back Home is through passing by the portal of death. And here is one thought that I personally hold dearly, nobody has ever walked through that door and came back to tell us what really goes on behind it. All we know is scary stories of torment and torture. And in the middle of all these stories that are mixed with fantasy and nonsense we forget that Allah swt is the most merciful!

Another thing that we tend to forget is that we don't own ourselves, we don't own our souls and we don't own our loved ones either. We all belong to Allah and to Allah we return. So death is literally the act of returning to Allah swt, where we belong, returning to the most merciful, the kindest, the most gracious. How scary can that be? Now, if people started obsessing less about this trivial superficial duniya and focused more on doing good deeds that would grant them a blissful return to the authentic home, death would have a different meaning. May Allah swt accept us while being pleased with us. May Allah swt not take us from this Duniya unless He is completely satisfied with us and with our deeds. Ya rabb. May Allah swt make us among those to whom He swt would say :

يَا أَيَّتُهَا النَّفْسُ الْمُطْمَئِنَّةُ ﴿۲۷﴾

O satisfied soul, (27)

ارْجِعِي إِلَى رَبِّكِ رَاضِيَةً مَرْضِيَّةً ﴿۲۸﴾

return to your Lord wellpleased, wellpleasing. (28)

فَادْخُلِي فِي عِبَادِي ﴿۲۹

Join My worshipers and (29)

وَادْخُلِي جَنَّتِي ﴿۳۰﴾

enter My Paradise! (30)

Surah 89: Al Fajr

--------

Now about the fact that you feel anxious about death visiting your parents. I could immediately detect the anxiety traits and let me put your heart at peace. This is something very common among people with anxiety and also ocd. (But hey I am not saying you have that, I am just starting facts, I have no right or place to diagnose you with anything). But I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. I, for one, have experienced this for continuous years since a very tender age. I feel you sister, and I know how tiring and exhausting it can get. Some of us even imagine the whole funeral and the face of their loved ones cold and dead, and cry it all out as if it was really happening. Been there, experienced that. Alhamdulillah for everything. However, you just have to keep a few things in mind, death is inevitable, it will visit your loved ones whether you expect it and wait for it or not, and no amount of thinking and worrying about it could actually prepare you for when it hits. So why torture yourself when it is not really happening? Spare yourself the pain my dear, Allah swt wouldn't approve of the suffering you are putting yourself through by worrying. Almost a year ago we lost a dear soul, may Allah swt accept her with his mercy and grant her the highest ranks in Jannah ameen, and one of her children has been putting this WhatsApp status ever since:

لله ما أعطى و لله ما أخذ، ما كثيرة على الله يا أمي

Translation: To Allah what He gave and to Allah what He took. You are not too much (too precious/ too valuable) for Allah, mom. (Meaning: yes she is VERY precious and valuable but if Allah wants her back we can't say no, we have to give her back, she is not too precious or valuable to be given to Allah swt because He is THE MOST VALUABLE) do you get my point?

Tbc.

[araingirl]

The story of my life.....

So, gotta share something very personal of my life which was kept as a secret from almost all my buddies. I’m not seeking someone’s attention, but I am rather sharing it because you all are like my family members here :) 

When I was only 15-16, I completed school (Grade 10) with an excellent result. Then, I attended the admission test of the most reputed girls’ college in Bangladesh (And got selected from almost 10,000 candidates as one of the lucky 750s). But...

My mom is the principal of another local college in our area. As a result, I was well-acquainted with the teachers of that college and respected them a lot. In fact, they were also quite affectionate towards me (Only a misunderstanding of me it was). So, dad forced me and mom to get me admitted in the local college. Though he only thought for my well-being and my troubles because the college where I got selected was quite far from our house. On the other hand, mom’s college was quite closer. I was wishing a lot to study in the reputed college (Why not? After all, struggling and working hard a lot, I got selected there. How will you feel if you don’t get to eat a fruit which has grown in the tree only because of your hard work and struggles?). But mom couldn’t stand before dad with my request. Since those teachers (Mom’s colleagues) were also requesting, I agreed and got admitted to that local college, thinking about them and some financial issues. 

And the misfortune started only after that... 

One of the reasons for which I accepted to get admitted to that local college was my best friend because she promised to me that she would stay with me. When I got admitted, all my friends ditched me and left for better colleges (Yeah, just like Tyson and I had no Hiromi or Daichi or Kenny or Hiro xD). Yet, I consoled my mind, saying “I’ll get better classmates”. 

Frankly speaking, they all were dumb-brained (Idk how they got admission to college) who only craved to copy my notes (But when it came their turn to help me, they turned out selfish). Yet, I gave up on them, thinking, “If the teachers are good and caring, I won’t look at anything else). 

And...the teachers...they pinned the last nail in the coffin of my hopes, totally sealing it. (I’m not talking about all of them, the math teacher, the computer and the English were very helpful and affectionate but they really couldn’t do that much for me except enhancing my skills. I don’t blame them, they were helpless too in this case). But the rest of the teachers weren’t helpful...they were careless, irresponsible, harsh and cruel. Their input was less but they used to expect a bigger output from me. I used to work hard and hard but they never appreciated my efforts. Even they turned away from me most of the times whenever I needed their help. But whenever I made a mistake, they used to behave as if I’d committed any crime. Chemistry teacher was the worst of all. One day, she was teaching us a topic and asked a question from a future topic which wasn’t taught to us in grade 10. A student spoke, “Sorry Ma’am, we haven’t learnt it yet.” She simply said, “If you still haven’t learnt it, why do you spend so much money of your parents behind tuition?” 

And...the sky fell on my head... 

Believe me, getting mentally tortured by the teachers whom you respected and trusted the most, for whom you got admitted to this college, without caring at anything else and tolerating all the taunts...is literally painful. I...I tried to tell it to everybody but no one never listened to me (Except my mom of course). The taunts of other friends who used to study in more famous colleges were inflaming. The bullying, leg-pulling of less brilliant classmates was intolerable. 

And it happened. I took suicide attempt one day. 

Thankfully, mom saved me (She is still my best friend and I love her more than anyone else in this world. Now, thankfully, I am earning my own money and handover a portion of my income to the hands of my mom because I trust her the most in this world. I’m thankful to her). After lots of visits to the chamber of psychiatrist and counseling, I got alright. I started studying with double passion, concentration and determination. In the boards, I not only pulled myself but also pulled all my classmates who were weaker than I. That time, the result of the science department of my college excelled (Though nobody thanked me for it except my classmates, I’m happy). 

Then, the admission season for university began. Alhamdulillah, I got selected for almost all the reputed universities of Bangladesh wherever I sat for admission test. Even a public medical college is also included in that list but since engineering was my passion, I got admitted to it for achieving my dream. 

Even after it, I didn’t receive congratulations from most of my friends who left me for a better college and most of the college teachers. (One day, I met one of them and you know what she told me? She spoke, “I expected better marks from you in the boards”. Another was like, “Your position is not so good”. What do you feel after it?) Anyways, I don’t expect anything from them...they didn’t even congratulate me when I used to excel in internal exams of the college). 

And now, I don’t pay any heed to them. xD 

My new friends and classmates are awesome, my new professors are also very kind and supportive. Even if they weren’t, it wouldn’t be a big deal for me because through these years, I learnt to find happiness, positivity in everything. Now, I’m an optimistic, happy, positive girl (Though I get angry sometimes, losing my temper, it isn’t a big deal, is it?) 

Thanks for reading :) 

[beneath-her-soul]

Hello, again.

It’s been 5 months since I last updated my Tumblr. I have been occupied the last 5 months re-aligning my life and career. I have to admit, it wasn’t easy, but Alhamdulillah. I made it! *throws confetti* =D

Where shall I start first? The last post I stopped was when my best friend was about to get married in December 2019. The wedding was a successful one! It was a joyful occasion filled with so much happiness, laughter, tears and of course, Love above all. May Allah swt bless their marriage. Say Aamiiiin!

In January, I started working in the gym with my brother for at least 2 months before I went back to my old job. Through out the 2 months, I picked up certain skills along the way on how to communicate with customers; members and non-members, handling general inquiries of the operating hours as well as the membership signups. It took me quite some time to adapt as someone who was used working dealing with the members of public back then and almost a year of not doing so. I remember clearly, for the first few weeks in January, it was a struggle for me as I was trying to conquer my fears of public speaking and dealing with anxiety. I kept reminding myself that it’s just a casual job, but to put myself out there again after a year of not doing so, it takes a lot of courage.

I was really thankful that my brother and the people whom I worked with for being a great help. It was a good experience I must say? Lol, I never imagined myself working in the gym knowing that I spent most of my teenage years working out in the gym after school and during the holidays.

While I was working in the gym, I reapplied back at my previous job. The dream job remember? I have a lot of dream jobs but this is still the most suitable one for me. Yes it still was and still am up to this day. I went through interviews after interviews and was accepted again within the same 2 months while working part-time in the gym. My parents were eager to the point that they accompanied me for the interviews. Lol, I kinda drag my mom out from the house as she’s been cooping up herself in it for weeks.

The last week of March 2020, I threw in my resignation letter to inform them of my departure. Tbh, I hate bidding goodbyes to good people who have made positive impact in my life even if it’s for a short-term job and not only the people, I thank God for this experience to built my courage back to be on the front line again. Alhamdulillah!

During this period, Covid-19 was getting worst. On the 31st March ‘20, we were informed that the gym had to close down due to the circuit breaker. Then it hit me... While I am typing this.... His plans works in mysterious ways..(An old friend of mine used to say this to me) My last day at the gym was on the 30th March and the next day we were told that it had to close down next week onward till further notice. My first day of reporting back to my old job was on the; 1st April 2020. Do you see what I am trying to tell you? I didn’t plan for all of this to happen. For all I know, I decided to work in the gym to sustain my finance while waiting to get my old job back. I am aware many people loss their jobs during this pandemic crisis and I am one of the lucky ones who was able to get my job back before anything happened.

My first day of reporting back to my old job; I was a nervous-wreck it was a familiar feeling I had 3 years ago when I was in the Training Academy. I was also given the same posting and team and am truly grateful for it. I was greeted warmly by the amazing colleagues whom I dearly missed working with and it’s such an honour to be given a different specialization at work. I was slightly overwhelmed by them asking why I came back and there are also the ones whom doesn’t ask but is wise enough to know that every actions and decisions have a reason behind it. Again as I am typing this, a familiar voice whispers in my head; “His plans works in mysterious ways...” There I was, I found my uniforms that I packed neatly in a ziplock bag a year ago on the 8th May 2019 on a shelf I placed at in the locker room. This is where Allah swt wants me to work at, this is the place where I earned rezqi to put foods on the table for my family, met my fiance, paid off my study loans and where I was able to sent myself to perform Umrah. I remember a year ago, I stood there before I placed the ziplock bag of uniforms, I made a silent dua.. “If it’s meant for me, I will come back for you..”. A year later, I did.

The past five months wasn’t an easy journey, but it made me reflect on the 1 year of career change. To distinguish it between a blessing and a curse, putting trust in His perfect timing and Moving forward with faith. Now that I am back, that doesn’t mean I can be complacent and forget the obstacles I went through on my own. I was traumatized and it taught me to grow maturely as a person.

In summary, what I went through within a span of a year made me realize that life rarely flows sequentially. It’s not always bad. There’s good in it too. I believe that nothing just happens, like that. Instead, everything happens for a good reason. And it happens for me, not against me.

Till next time,

N.

[holdmedownlaw]

2019 – the year I hope could be the start of my renaissance.

Some people know I have chronic insomnia. I often talk about it with my family, friends and those others whom I think should know about it. But nobody really knows how difficult it is to be battling such illness. The suffering is unspeakable; much worse than I can ever describe it. Allah knows.

It started the night before my birthday in 2008. I couldn’t sleep not because the following day was my birthday but because it was my first day in College. I thought it was just that normal night when you don’t get to sleep “because tomorrow is a special and you are so excited about it.” So I went through my first day in college tired but I still had fun nevertheless.

I did not able to sleep again the following night. This time I was alarmed. What could be wrong why I couldn’t sleep? I went to school again the following day but this time I can hardly managed the exhaustion.

I was not able to sleep again on the third night. I started to feel my heart pounding so hard to the point that it made it more difficult even to just calm myself down. I tried not to lose myself. I’m going to a see a doctor tomorrow, I said to myself. But I didn’t. I am so worn out after that day. Maybe I can finally sleep tonight.  But still I had no luck. I started to feel incapable of sleeping. I was getting crazy. “God, I have not slept a single minute for four consecutive nights. I would trade everything to get my eyes shut for even just a few minutes,” I complained to God.

The morning came and I never felt so awful in my life. Later that day, Dad accompanied me to a doctor. I explained how I feel and how I struggled to get sleep. What the doctor did was just gave me a prescription. It was a sleeping pill. To be honest, I was cynical if it could help me get sleep. I believed deep down I needed more than just a pill. I took the pill and tried to sleep. It didn’t work! That time I knew I was screwed.

The torture continued for many, many days. My life was never the same again. As about my studies, I still continued to attend classes despite my deteriorating condition. I just took every class-break I got for rest. And what I mean by rest is that I just lay down and close my eyes and tried to get as much energy as I could get without sleeping to keep me going.

I was able to endure over a month of sleep deprivation. And then there came one night, I was talking to myself, “This is my fate. This is what Allah has ordained for me. I have to be strong and accept it.” I recalled stories of sacrifices of Prophets to keep my spirit alive. While expecting a long night, just like the other previous nights, I closed my eyes. The next time I opened them, I saw the morning light through the small window of my room! I finally get the much needed sleep! I’ve never been so grateful in my life! All praise is due to Allah!

Sleep came back to me but the fear of not being able to sleep didn’t leave me. Every time night falls, the chance of getting a good night sleep is like tossing a coin. And so it did not really last long before insomnia came back again. I was just like given a few nights to breathe and then get back to wrestling again. It has continued to be the case since night of June 13th of 2008.

And just when I thought insomnia could be my only health problem, there came anxiety. It was like that monster who wanted to hurt my almost lifeless body, mercilessly. I did not know what kind of anxiety disorder it really was. I didn’t consult a specialist. I didn’t want to. I just knew I have it.  I couldn’t maintain an eye contact when talking to people. Imagine how devastatingly awkward was that and its negative impact on my social life. I lost a lot of friends. My ordeal served like a filter machine that made me identify who my real true friends are.

Sometimes I sweat excessively even in cold weather. I could remember one time in class my seatmate touched my arms and she felt I was soaking in sweat in a fully air-conditioned room. Goodness!

Many years of my life since anxiety touched me were nightmares. It took a great toll in every aspect of my life – relationships, jobs, studies, etc.! Anxiety also made me become critical of myself – my actions and decisions – which I was not used to be before. And when a person sounded so harsh in criticizing himself in front of his friends or family, imagine how brutal he is to himself in the privacy of his head. Although there were many days I had thoughts of harming myself, I never attempted to. But my devastating health condition made me begged God many times to either cure me or just take me.

My family started to notice although I never told them about it. Sadly, the core of stigma covers our home. I tried to learn more about anxiety and discovered that one in every four persons has anxiety. I also sought inspiration from people who advocate mental illness. Indeed, it is true that when you see others fighting the same battle and more if they fight to voice out what the society has always neglected to address, you feel a little better.

Fast forward to year 2019. Its been already 11 years of seemingly endless struggle. Then, in the dark came a friend who has her own story of struggle with anxiety. She became my classmate in law school in my third year.  She said she was experiencing panic attacks. Honestly I felt glad there was someone in law school who can somehow relate with the situation I am in. From then, we talked frequently about mental illness until one day I opened up to her about planning to see a specialist. I never thought about seeing a Psychiatrist before. It was not in my options. My parents would not approve either. They’ll kill me for worrying so much about what people would say if they find out I am seeing a Psychiatrist. But I was already in my senior year in law school. I had to seek professional help to survive law school.

Then one day, that friend of mine discovered a Psychiatric clinic located near the school. I expressed my desire to make an appointment with the doctor and she enthusiastically offered to do it for me because she said she personally knew the doctor’s secretary. I accepted. I didn’t ask but I speculated she was also planning to get checked but it turned out later that she engaged the services of another Psychiatrist. Maybe she just wanted to know if the Psychiatrist she referred to me is preferable to her. Kinda weird but I didn’t really mind given the fact that people like us who have anxieties really do things weird.

But before I got to have a meeting with the Psychiatrist, I had to go through my parents first and convince them to let me get professional help. My father was strongly against it. He said people would mock our family because one of its members is mentally ill. Nonetheless, I insistently convinced them to be more open to talking about mental illness and overcome the stigma until they finally permitted me to consult a Psychiatrist. What happened with my meeting with the Psychiatrist was different than what I expected though. I thought that before the doctor issues the prescription, I get to share first the entire story of my struggle - how it started, how it has been affecting my life, how I have been trying to cope up, etc., – sort of a counseling. He did ask me how I felt but the questioning I thought was too fixed and limited. It seemed he did not want a long conversation. I could somehow understand because he still had a long line of clients to treat after me. He diagnosed me with General Anxiety Disorder coupled with panic attacks. Then he gave me four medical prescriptions. I have to take four medicines a day! That was the first time I have to take that many medicines a day and probably the most ever in my life.

The following night after my meeting with the doctor, I took the bedtime pill. I was glad with the result. I had like 3 to 4 hours of sleep. That was much better than not getting sleep at all. I didn’t feel perfectly rested but that was a great improvement!

I continued to follow the doctor’s advices religiously and I have been feeling better and better as time goes by. Although I have not really been satisfied with the consultation processes with my Psychiatrist because I think he has not been therapeutic in terms of our doctor-patient relationship, his professional advices have actually been effective so far. One problem I have with one of the prescriptions though, particularly the bedtime pill, is that it has made me extremely dependent on it. I fear that my drug dependency will become permanent but my doctor said he’ll eventually slowly reduce the prescription if I get in the right health condition.

Moving on with my health condition, I am now very happy, Alhamdulillah! I am slowly getting back my self-esteem and confidence. I can now look straight in the eyes making me enjoy communicating to people. The heavy-head feeling is gone. I still struggle falling asleep but at least I still able to get good enough sleep which provide me just the right amount of energy to accomplish my daily tasks. I think it is safe to say that the best decision I’ve made with regards to my health was getting professional help. It cannot be more true to me that sometimes what we are ashamed of to do (address mental illness) is what will actually make us better. By the way, I have been watching motivational videos which I’ve found greatly beneficial.

In Shaa Allah, I will continue to get better and get back the life I have been yearning for years. I have suffered so much damage and destruction in many parts of my life over the past decade. God-willing, I will have the time and health to fix them.

There are many lessons I’ve learned from my years of battle with insomnia and anxiety. I would have never learned the importance of addressing mental illness as a societal issue if I never went through it. The most important though is to keep up the faith in God and to never give up. When you feel pain; when you are tired; when you feel like giving up; when you feel like quitting; when you look around you and nowhere do you see anything remotely looks like success; when it’s all dark; just keep up the faith and believe that God has put you in that darkness for a reason and that after that darkness, you will come out stronger than ever befor

[a-spell-a-rebel-yell]

September!!! and 3/3 passed!!!

hiya guys, gals, and pals! wherever you are i hope you're happy, healthy, and loved :D

i'm here for an update and yes, yes, i know this is a very late/mid of the month September update but i purposely held back an update just so i can deliver all the good news in one post! hehehe

so first up, on September 9th i finished ALL of my requirements! yes, the root canal treatment and the fixed partial prosthetics! i remember when me and Vanesha (the best partner ever we all know that, right) greeted goodbye to our patient after inserting his 'new' teeth in, we literally collapsed on the floor of the negative room clinic, still in full third level PPE, just hugging each other in silence T___T so overwhelmed with feels, our hard work and clinical journey since May 2019 finally ended that day in September 2021... all those sweat, blood, tears we exerted to make it all to this very day... our very last patient, very last case, very last negative room clinic schedule, very last requirement. i can't believe we did it. WE DID IT!!!!!

today, September 13th i finally got the result of my Oral Surgery exam: i passed!!! this marks 13/14 departments exams i've passed... i'm so proud of myself, i still remember the old days of me wondering will i ever survive the clinical years aka the jungle of dental med school, but here i am now, so close to finishing everything T____T i can't upload a memento here since my prof announced it verbally, but i remember i was shaking so much when she said i passed with good scores :,) as always super grateful to be able to pass this exam in my first shot, though still sad seeing lots of my friends didn't pass in one go and have to redo it all over again :(

so now i'm left with Prosthodontics exam (the September exam period is somehow pushed back to undefined dates) but i'm readying myself for it already. also for November, if it's truly my time, i'll go for the national dentist competency exam. i'm gonna say this again and again, but it feels surreal to be in this position i am right now. maybe for you my dear readers it's not that relatable, but if you were in my shoes you'd understand haha it's really a battle to be right here. i talked with my mum and dad about me as in me since elementary school until now, looking back at all the decisions we made that lead to this very moment. i used to frown at the way my parents brought me up, but as i grow older and felt the harsh jagged lines of reality, the life lessons they taught became the very foundations of my successes today.

the hardships i went, the perseverance i had... i mean even for the last two requirements it didn't go that smooth haha for my root canal treatment i had to do THREE visits instead of two, because unexpectedly my assistant fainted midway of the treatment!? how in the world is that even happening—her N95 mask was too tight so she had a brief case of hypoxia, lack of oxygen concentration in the brain—but i mean it's such a rare case that no one saw it coming :,) but i learned a lot from that, got to be supervised by a very meticulous yet caring professor on my third visit. for the fixed partial prosthetics, me and Vanesha, at first we were SO hopeless, because our assigned professor didn't even bother to reply to our messages!? T___T but then miracle happened: after numerous Tahajood 'appointments' she somehow replied to my message, i confided in her how we really need to finish our last requirement, and she decided to help us by speeding up the treatment plan into just two visits (normally three to five)! but that's not even the only drama, we somehow mistook a step in the treatment that almost got us starting all over again but thank God we managed to salvage and averted the crisis T___T so here we are now, done with the reqs. Alhamdulillah...

this is quite funny in a way but: i applied to be an associate assistant for my profs in Oral Pathology department and i got accepted HEHEHE i know it's super late because i'm already at my last year but i'm super happy i got to interact with 3rd semester pre-clinical students, supervising their exams and grading their assignments. i also get paid :P that's the major motivation on taking the job tbh hahaha i love my life rn

i got my 3rd vax shot, a booster one, and it’s Moderna! i’m fine 7 hours after the injection but at night i got high fever huhu it went up until 39,2 C i was so worried! then i took a high concentrated paracetamol and it died down after two days :,) though it left me with no appetite, severe headache, and nausea... but i’m fine now! all of you please get vaxxed NOW and keep everyone safe ok ;)

more on the fun stuff: so Cristiano Ronaldo is back as a Manchester United player and last week we won 4-1 to Newcastle!!! what a scene... in tennis, for the US Open 2021 we have a major upset? turmoil? but the champions are the new pals, so proud of Emma Raducanu, she brought it home!!!

ALSO, it's 32 DAYS to coldplay's new album Music of the Spheres out on October 15th!!! today they just announced the collaboration with BTS! i'm so happy this is gonna be super big, everyone's gonna love it! it's gonna be a new hit song i'm sure.

ALSO LAST BUT NOT LEAST: tomorrow is September 14th aka MY DAD'S BDAY!!!!!!!! we're still unsure what to surprise him with but we'll make do on the spot lol the most important thing is i'm super grateful the families get to be together for the special day.

anyways, Rich Brian did most of the Shang-chi soundtracks and all are absolute FIRE so now Run It is my anthem. though of course Earth, Wind and Fire's September is an absolute legendary classic!!! since September brought so much happiness and i can't wait for even more to come. bring it on!!!

[missionofgettingxaway]

losing

August 22nd, 2021

It was 6.30 am. I got a call from my mother. It took me a while to pick up the call because my mind was taking some time to think about the reason that my mum called me early in the morning. It was an unusual thing. But my mind kept telling me that I might receive some unpleasant news and anyway I picked up the call. Mak was crying. She was calm though. And the moment I heard mak was crying, I knew that it was something bad. I pretended to be calm. Mak told me that my grandmother has left us. I was speechless even though I knew her time was near. I didn't know on how to react because honestly this is the first time in my 24 years of living that I'm losing someone dearest to me. But I said okay. As soon as mak ended the call, I was silent for a moment. I wasn't sure of what to feel. Should I be happy or relieved that tok has finally stopped being sick for such a long time? Should I be sad that tok has left us? I was clueless but I was crying, realising the fact that I wasnt there during her last moment. I decided to go back no matter what since I already finished with everything related to school. I called my brother. Wishing he would want to go back too and he did. But things got complicated with the police so I went back on my own with flight. During this tough time, I know that our movements are restricted but I can't accept the fact that some policemen don't accept death as an excuse to cross border. I hate it but I'm done thinking about it. I reached home, took bath and performed zuhr prayer. I went straight to my paksu's house since my grandmother left in that house.

Tok looked calm. She looked like she was sleeping. I hope I will remember how she looked on that day until the end of my life. I was happy. Watching her face. She is in a better place right now. Indeed she is. I recited yasin and the mosque's people (idk what to call them) and the people in charged brought her body to the mosque for funeral preparation. I followed to the mosque and did all the things we were supposed to do. I joined during the washing and shrouding. Alhamdulillah. All praises to Allah for giving me the chance to be there, to help with everything and to watch every single thing during her funeral. I can't thank Allah enough. Alhamdulillah. It might sound wrong to say that she left during the right time because do we know when is someone leaving during the right time? But she left when I finished my school stuffs for this year, she left after meeting my aunt who's living in Kedah. Alhamdulillah. Everything went smoothly. Semoga segala urusannya dipermudahkan di sana. I believe in that. Semoga Allah menerima segala kebaikan yang dibuat semasa hidup. InsyaAllah. If you're reading this and you're a Muslim, I hope you can recite Al Fatihah for my dearest grandmother.

I want to describe her so that whenever I miss her, I can read this post again. Tok was a calm person. During her time when I was small, she was very strict but she had reasons for that. Tok taught me about a lot of stuffs. She taught me many things including how to do house chores and much more. But I believe what she taught me the most is about how to help others. She was always a helper in every situation. When my parents went to work, she took care of me. Although I can't remember anything when I was a baby, I know she took care of me very well since I was born. She taught me to help others when they are having a hard time. She never, never rested when she saw anyone doing work. Tok started getting sick when she had dementia. She didn't remember about a lot of things. But one thing that will always remind me of her is the fact that she couldn't recall many things but she always thought of praying. Always asking if she could pray now, asking if the azan already being called, wanting to perform her wudhu. Up until the day I was with her in May, she did think of performing prayers. Subhanallah. When she was very sick (during May, she already started being so sick) , it was very saddening. She lived with us during the last month I was with her. She slept in the same room as me. I could stare at her sleeping and I always felt like crying whenever I looked at her because she looked very sick. Tapi sangat tenang. I didn't get the chance to say sorry for the times I was being harsh when I was taking care of her. I am a human too. There were days that I felt so stressful and didnt treat her good enough. But I pray hard, Allah temukan di dalam syurga yang kekal abadi. Syurga buatmu.

I love you tok. And I miss you every time I look at your bed and your things. Al fatihah.

[nurulxothman]

My first Taubah

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Peace be upon all Muslims. In anything wrong I said here comes from me and in anything right I said here comes from Allah. In sha Allah.

Past few weeks I have been crying because I was betrayed and I was destroyed. I lost everything. Mostly I hated myself and I blamed myself. It was too overwhelmed for me to deal with. My heart was torn and crushed into pieces, my heart was burnt and my heart was stabbed with thousands of blunt knives. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop thinking and analysing everything and mostly, I couldn't stop myself from self-harming every part of my body because I needed to channel the pain away from my broken heart, so badly. I was lost and I didn't know what to do. I shut myself from everyone, I went silent because I was so afraid of all human beings. I didn't want to go back to my psychology therapy sessions, because good God, those sessions were just too damn painful and I didn't want to take my medication (Brintellix) anymore - I am so sick of that medication.

For the first time in almost 20 years of self-harming, this time, it went wrong. Really wrong. And I got scared, of myself. I'm putting a hope that thoughts of self-harming have come to an end. Please forgive me for harming my skin that belongs to You. May Allah give me the strength and protect my thoughts, In sha Allah. While seeking, I have found something else, and I have never thought I would pursue hypnosis therapy but, all I wanted was, to heal.

I roared to Allah to take the pain away because I couldn't take it anymore. It was too much for me. I begged him for His mercy. May Allah forgive all my thoughts, forgive all the words that I had used and forgive my black heart, amin.

It has been a month and I couldn't stop crying. But the last few days, it was for a completely different reason. I suppose my heart was already numb with the betrayal. I accepted this is my Qada' and Qadar that is written in my book, Allahu Akbar. I imaginarily had erased most of my unhappiness in my invisible thoughts. I regretted all the sins that I have committed to the Almighty. He was and has always been there for me to protect me and I failed to see that until now. It was beautifully written in my book - for I am a loan and I belong to Him.

I came across a video a few years back regarding "How do we know if Allah accepts our fasting - worship". A year before last year, I completed my fast without missing any obligatory prayers and completed reciting the whole AlQuran and yet I continued with committing sins afther Ramadhan passed. Allahu, may You forgive my sins and accept my ibadah to You. Last Ramadhan, I tried the same thing and Alhamdulillah I managed to let go some of my sins, not completely all but slowly. In my daily do'a, I have been seeking from Allah to give me the strength in my faith to fulfil At-Taubah, one day. I was given a huge unbearable and a heavy test from Him for me to find Him and get me closer to Him, Ma sha Allah. He promised that He will never test His creations for more than what they can take it. I thought I was alone, which I felt that I always was. But Allah has never left me alone.

Upon roaring and asking Him to take away my pain, I regretted the words that I said and my reactions as my Jannah is still placed underneath it. I did apologised and was assured forgiveness, may Allah accepts it too. That night, it changes me. I begged Allah not to leave me alone. I begged Allah to always be with me. I begged Allah to be closer to Him.

Yesterday I stumbled upon an eye-opening video. It's about Istigfar plus (to be included with) At-Taubah. I have been doing tons of Istigfar for the past few days, maybe weeks or maybe months (may He accepts all my Istigfar). But I have never included At-Taubah in. Last night, my heart was confided to perform Solat At-Taubah. Ma sha Allah, everything that I recited, He never failed to mention that He is the most merciful and forgiving and He is the one and only. I am your smallest creature and I am a sinner. O Allah, please accept my Taubah and forgive all the sins that I had done and the sins that I will be doing. Forgive me for forgetting You. Amin.

During my last sujud to my tahiyyatul akhir, I smelled a very sweet and pleasant scent. I couldn't help myself but to smile and I was genuinely happy. Such a beautiful moment. Alhamdulillahi rabbalalamin.

Another video that I watched was saying when Allah test you, means, He loves you. He gave you all the nikmat and we always forget to thank Him for it (Alhamdulillah - thank you Allah for all the nikmat that You have been providing to me and have been giving me). He can always take it back whenever He wants then He can always give you something better whenever He wants, that you will never think of. Subhanallah, Glory to Allah. He took something that I thought was precious and pure that had gotten me so devastated. But He replaced it with the most exquisite feeling - Loving Him, the one and only creator, the Almighty. Subhanallah. It is so heartfelt and so beautiful. O Allah, I think I am falling in love, with you.

Wallahua’lam bissawab. He knows the truth and He knows everything.