#it took years to accept it and now alhamdulillah

[bintturaab]

When I started practicing Islam, which was around 12 years ago alhamdulillah, my parents were such a huge obstacle in the way of trying to adhere to deen. I wasn't allowed to wear proper hijab, was sort of grounded, not allowed to read or listen to anything - even books of tafsir and hadith, not allowed to be with my other practicing friends, forced to drop out of arabic and other courses, etc etc. Home didn't feel like home but a battleground, on a daily basis.

Fast forward to present day; my family and I have dinner table discussions on matters of tawheed, my parents are the ones who facilitated my learning arabic and becoming an arabic teacher bi fadlillah (omg????), they've finished Shaykh Ahmad's tawheed series and loved it and are further learning tawheed and other aspects of deen, my mother finished tafseer ibn kathir twice already; may Allah bestow His endless blessings and mercy upon them and grant them the highest stations in Firdaws, ameen.

Thinking about how things had started and where they are now, wallahi makes me so overwhelmingly emotional. It fills my heart with so much warmth and joy that sometimes it feels like I can't contain it anymore. Allahu Akbar wa Lillahil hamd. No matter how many hundreds of sujud ash-shukr I give, it will never be enough to express my gratitude to Allah عز وجل.

Speaking from personal experience here, when it comes to giving dawah to our families, we really need to step up. They are the first we give up on, when they should be the ones we hold on to the most. Our parents are the most deserving of our time and patience and dawah, wallahi. I know the situation isn't the same for everyone, but honestly, how much do we make dua for the guidance of our families? Do we pray for them in every salah, in every sujud? Do we ardently make du'a for their hidayah every chance we get? Do we follow up our duas with constant dawah in a respectful manner and soft approach with patience and persistence? Do they see the best of us or the worst of us? Or do we just try once and then complain for the rest of our lives without giving due efforts?

Guidance is completely in the Hands of Allah, but wallahi our duas will never go to waste and we will see their impact whether tomorrow or 10 years later. It took my family 5 years to accept my dawah, it was a very gradual process but to witness their gradual change to better and better, from stubborn to being understanding, is so rewarding wallahi. To see them become even better than you, is the best feeling in the world. And it takes a lot of time and effort to come to that point.

When giving dawah to our families, we must be patient, be consistent, be persistent, be respectful, have good manners, be smart in our approach, and make lots and lots of du'a. We should priorities our families when giving dawah, because what's the point if the whole world benefits from us while we neglect our own homes?

These are the best days of the year, let us utilise them in making du'a for our families in sha Allah. May Allah guide us all and be pleased with us, ameen.

[ripemango]

November 5th, 1:05

I learned my ex boyfriend has/had a girlfriend this year. How do I honestly feel about that? I’m not sure. There was a little part of me, at the back of my mind, he was taking time to himself to become a better person/man, and that he would come back to me and right his wrongs. But I realize now, I was being too generous of his character. We probably stopped talking in February of 2024, and he hasn’t emailed me until yesterday morning, at 9:00 a.m. Why suddenly bother me, in the same way he used to do when we moved on to the situationship phase? At first, I didn’t know. But when I found out later that day he had a girlfriend, I figured he may have broken up/took a break with her, and had desires or became bored, and wanted to see if I’d bite. I didn’t, Alhamdulillah. I came too far in my self-healing journey to let this man’s one cryptic email send me back to square one. I also realize that since he moved on so fast, and according to a friend of a friend, he became religious, he hadn’t changed. He’s still the same boy I knew, a porn addicted misogynist, who only wants a woman who will follow his lead and have power over her. And I thank God for leading me away from this fate, and putting myself first. I thank God that I was strong enough to know my worth and not give in to this person’s will, and took time to know myself. Although a part of me still loves him and maybe even hopes for him, the reality of it all is that he will never be the man I want him to be. I need to accept that, move on, and wish him the best. He may not respect me enough to leave me alone and let me grow, but I respect me enough to let go of this man and the situation we were in. Alhamdulillah, for the strength I have and the courage I carry, to walk away.

[emoverted]

stained motivation

Another day studying Japanese while listening to a senpai's podcast (I genuinely like it, I've been listening since the early days lol) and grew inspired for my writing. I decided to catch up on an older episode and boy was my intuition correct. The topic has also been on top of my mind lately. You can listen to the full episode here:

When you hear that someone is doing their doctoral degree in Oxford, the first few things that come to mind may be "smart," "ambitious," and many of those lovey-dovey adjectives. Though they might not be wrong, we often forget to consider the full picture. Kak Reybi Waren was no high-ranked student throughout high school. In fact, he deliberately failed classes, all because he couldn't accept that his parents couldn't buy him a motorcycle. A few years before, his mom had promised to get him one if he excelled academically. So he did in middle school but had his dreams crushed due to his parents' financial condition. Most inspirational stories would continue with "...and so he worked hard in school, gets a decent job, and finally gets the motorcycle he has always wanted." The difference in kak Waren's story shows what I see as a more humane continuation. He rebelled, intentionally doing bad in school to get back at his parents until he realized that he had hurt their feelings. This is what finally brought him to where he is now, Oxford. He changed his ways to make up for his mistakes toward his parents. But why do I say humane? Because I can relate to his story.

My closest are probably aware of this, but my stepping stone didn't arise from something oh-so gracious. I hurt my parents. Looking back almost 4 years since then, I still can't imagine that I had once put them in such a lowly situation amid their hectic responsibilities. What hurt most was instead of fully acknowledging it as a me-problem, they took in my misbehavior as their fault for raising me poorly. But again, without that experience, I wouldn't be where I am today. Their words pierce me to this day, and I know there's nothing I can do to make up for my wrongdoings back then, yet I still believe I can relieve their wounded months to some extent. Even to navigate it took some time. I initially thought punishing myself in any possible way I could do the job, but what kind of parent wants to see their child hurting, even if it's for their sake? Especially my parents who, Alhamdulillah, have always been so considerate of me. It was not until the pandemic that struck me with a life-changing and lifelong quest. Continuing from my previous writing, I initially shifted my persona with the help of online school. From the once unnoticed student now came an ambitious one. Again, I don't think this solves everything--this is not the end, and there will be no end. I have to swallow the hard pill that I am still in a huge debt to my parents, but I still have to find ways to ease it all, and I won't stop this far.

My motivation is stained and will forever be, but that's what makes it humane.

[tirelesslytenderthoughts]

i wrote this 7 weeks ago on my main tumblr after finished reading Rilke. i thought i might as well include it here after the longest time of not writing. here it goes–

i feel like writing my thoughts now that the season is mellow and rainy and cosy and everything else in between that fits the category.

my readings and books that i have read did not really evolve and the amount have become concernedly little. that only means life has taken its toll on me ever since. yet i continue and do not wish it to cease.

the age of 30 to me equals to the age of no longer accepting immaturity in any way but having only a year ahead of me before i turn to the said significant year proves me otherwise, though not completely. was i terrified of getting old? not really. i was quite adamant about it but the journey in completing my masters degree together with the process of getting married helped me shape quite an optimistic perspective, and here i am feeling thrilled as ever.

i feel like i’m allowed to start fresh all over again though nobody is stopping me. when understanding things flow better as i age, my worries become much less. don’t get me wrong, overthinking is never my companion but i’m guessing i have always been calculative around people over how i react and feel. being attentive is generally exhausting but now that i’m aware of how and who to give my time to, i’m more calm and it soothes my soul so much. this space i have in my heart for my loved ones sometimes aches but i frequently remind myself that god has ways to show me things and it’s my chore to process for my own betterment. that’s just how i learn to live.

imperfection is another matter that i try to live without. i learn to let go of things well by watching other people do it flawlessly. maybe there’s a moment i ridicule their selfish act, but through and through, i consider it a knowledge so i know when to hold myself back from reacting impulsively. for the record, i have been impulsive for the past years and let me tell you that being impulsive and attentive altogether would give you pain and sting to the head. 

i just finished reading Rilke’s letters. he preached on solitude for the betterment of one’s own, and as a hasty person reading them feels nothing but a soft slap in the face. though it’s precisely on creativity, i still took it personally. the thing about change is that i’m scared of losing myself along the way, be it marriage or aging or whatever that’s coming. let’s put it this way; i have this bell at the back of my head reminding me that if i act decisively, i might regret soon and if i’m indecisive, nothing is done and i’m insensible. 

no idea where this is going at all but 2023 has been the year that i collected pails of tears, not because of any loss so far alhamdulillah, but ironically, in knowing things and unveiling the (open) secrets that were always there for me to move forward and to be in the next stage of life comfortably. as fruit needs time in the sun to ripen, i pat myself on the back for braving through the unpleasant weight to feel this fulfilled at this moment in time, therefore grateful nonetheless. 

i’m sure there will be more thoughts i’ll be pouring down from now onwards as god has always been nice to me and life makes its own turns and twists when i believe it to be.

this feels nice. i shall do this more often.

the time is 18:06 and chore, responsibilities, and the love of my life are calling me. and i have never felt the unfeigned delight to be in their service. this surprises me, too. just like life does when perspectives undergo a sea change.

yours sincerely, x

[lykir]

L.O.S.T

Salam pheww as always Id come back here at least after a year or years, in this case its almost 2 years, mind you within this time it had been at least 5 times of trial of posting here but I ended up pressing backspace on hold..

A lot had happened within these 2 years, and when I said a lot I really meant it. For starters now I am in confinement period of newborn delivery for Mukmina and in March last year 2022 I already had Busyra, I know its kind of close right and this is what its all about.

Being in long leave, taking care of newborn and older children always made me kind of lost. There are so much things I wanted to do, be it business, writing, studying, self-enhancing but it will always ended up with nothing. I am always LOST. but today I am determined to write it here, I really need to vent out whatever it is because I like to come back here someday and read back this post to remind me how I actually managed through this phase.

So after my last post which was around Sept 2021, what happened is I became an MO in Plastic Surgery dept. To be honest I enjoyed being in that dept especially the part of becoming better in toilet and suturing and have a kind-hearted and God-sent bosses is not something u were always granted with. I'm gonna write here Mr.Shakir you are among the most-considerate person I've ever known and please stay like that because people like you is hard to find these days. I stayed in plastic for almost 8months plus confinement leave then I went to KK Seberang Takir in June 2022 and had an offer from HPUniSZA which I accepted and started on August as MO UD43.

in March 2022 I delivered Busyra and we were on barrier method for family planning. After we had Busyra we kind of super proud saying we're gonna retire for the next few years only to find out I was pregnant again a year later . Phewww God is the most powerful even on whatever method u are on your hand will never overdo His jobs.

"Pregnancy should be planned and wanted" -

That's what I always bear in my mind, little did I know I will be the one who go against it. I took few days to actually digest that I was pregnant again that time. Some may say that I overreacted but going thru phases of breastfeeding, expressing BM in work, return trip to babysitter to send EBM, sleep-deprived period, not to mention I've been sleeping on one side thru out the night to BF for 3 years which cost me backpain, dull eyes and etc. made me really2 overwhelmed by the news. Mukmina if u ever read this later I'm telling you its not that we don't want you its just that we're shocked. Now that I have you it was never a regret.

So now I am 30years old lady with 3 daughters under 4 years old. Alhamdulillah for everything He gave you it is indeed the best. This time even almost every night Mukmina tried to give me on calls reminder I was chill enough. I am at least at peace with it.

So up till today there was so much thing that happened that may affect my mental health but Allah is most-merciful I think I learned how to handle better. But there are times we were struggling with parenting but who doesn't right.

So my wish and hope for my future-self is I just want to be better spiritually, I felt like I've been in distraction for so long, its time to go back to where i was and live life to how I'm supposed to insyaAllah.

[delunellenoir]

How's life, Amaya?

Holla, it's been a while since you went away. How's life up there ? Hope you are happy there. Since you've been gone, life change so fast. Lemme tell you a bit, hun.

Before that, lemme say that life has struck me hard. 2022 was the hardest yet the foolish years for me. I've got my lesson at this year. Lemme tell you about my misery first .....

On 2022, I've had trapped with someone that has a NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) and he caused me get a huge problem on my work. And that problem are still haunted me until now. How about him ? Yup, he run away, he was transferred to another area, leaving big problems unresolved. And my bonus was also scorched by him. And because all of his love bombing and those toxic cycle, it left a very lasting effect and trauma on me. Well, сука блять :)

Also on 2nd quarter of 2023, I finally realized that all my exes are scumbag. Really, sometimes when I immersed in daydreams, I wonder why I force my feeling to those who have never seen me at all, not even a inch. And guess what ? They've already married now with their "crush" this year. And my mom already told me about them looong long time ago. And ... yeah, regret always comes last, right?

I used to ask them when we were together. I asked them, "Hun, if we are no longer together, or If your girlfriend are not me, do you have an imagination who will you take on date?". Surprisingly (but now I'm not surprised anymore), they can answer it fluently like "To be honest, I have a crush on *her name*. But don't take it too serious hun. I have you tho." And I even got an answer from one of my ex when we are got a fight after I threw that question and he answer it confidently. "I talked to her about our problem, and she was soo wise than you. I am getting confused because our problem seems only met a dead end. She comforts me." . Dang, such a jerk. My reaction at that time ? "Well, just married her already. You both fit each other". And it happened *lol. Yup, I am that pathetic.

But, there will always be good things after miseries , right? I also will tell you, mon amour.

I met many wonderful person with a low-profile and cool person. Like last time I met Asian Paint's Country Head for Indonesia, Mrs. AK. My impression about her ? She's energic, full of confidence, smart yet very humble. And one of my regret after met her is, why was I able to talk to her only at the last minute. I doubt too much about grammar. And from this time, I think I will re-learn and improve my English again, since the last time I spoke English was when I was in semester 2 on college (at that time my GPA on English were 3,96. Can you believe that ? ).

Alhamdulillah, God replaced all my difficulties and sadness with ease in terms of work. It's okay that my love story is depressing, but in terms of career and finance, God gave me an extraordinary gift. God makes it easy for all my work and desires, even trivial wishes.

Maybe you wonder, am I took action with all my sadness and frustration ?

Yep, I was.

I used to frequently use and abuse over-dose drugs, and you know what? Now I'm afraid to self-medicate, even when I catch a cold. Because the side effect that I got make me powerless.

So, one day I tried a hypnotherapy. Hope to release my catharsis.

And you know what ?

it makes me feel even worse than before.

Damn.

So in the end, I decided to release all of my feeling, try to accept everything that happened and let it go.

I think it's the best medicine --- in my opinion --- when compared with spend millions of rupiah to go to a psychiatrist and therapist. Right ?

I think that's all my updates about life.

Honestly, I really really miss you. Looks like I still can't follow you there, huh? God knows "they" still need me, I guess.

Wait for me a little longer, okay?

"Tu me manques, mon amour."

gros bisous,

delunellenoir ♥