lykir

[lykir]

ADAPTATION

Hi peeps,

Today is the last day of 2023 and here I am writing at my lab table, trying to recap all those good and bad things happened throughout the year.

If there's one thing that I've learned so much this year it's ; life is all about adaptation, we need constant adaptation in order to grow well. because if we don't we will find ourselves a problem.

and the biggest adaptation you have to go thru is marriage.

Since we were small we used to certain kind of lifestyle, be it our parent's parenting style, or the way we eat, drink, treat others and etc. We grow up in that comfort zone most of the time thinking that how others going thru life as well.

If you are lucky enough you'll realize sooner there were a whole lot other world out there than just your family, if not, only by getting married will take you down the road.

Marriage will take you to another family's lifestyle which can be totally different from yours, in every aspect, religion, politic, ethics etc and that's where adaptation is much needed. Just hoping that I can adapt myself well in every situation I have to go thru and will always be guided by Him.

[lykir]

Thinking Overly

Dulu kecik-kecik selalu pelik tengok orang tua ni kalau dia pergi mana-mana mesti tak sabar nak balik rumah dia balik, kitanya budak kecik suka la kan jalan-jalan, kalau boleh tak nak balik. Sekarang ni bila dah besar, umur makin meningkat, ada tempat berteduh sendiri barula betul-betul paham apa yang orang tua rasa tu. Kadang-kadang bukan pergi mana pun, balik rumah parent sendiri je tapi still rasa tak sabar nak balik rumah sendiri sebab tak sama.

Bukan tu je, banyak benda yang kita tak paham tgk orang tua dulu buat sekarang jadi kat kita (at least for me). Antaranya dulu sokmo tgk mok kalut-kalut nak siap makan or pikir pasal makan bila orang nak datang ataupun datang bermalam kat rumah. Sokmo rasa laa rileklaa bakpo kalu-kalut sangat sekarang ni sebijik jadi kat diri sendiri.

Ceritanya H pergi conference kt Jepun 10hari, baru pergi 2 hari lepas. So kitorang ajak anak pengasuh budak-budak tu datang teman, Aina. Aina ni baik je budaknya, pandai bab dapur memang suka sgt kat budak. Time dia ada ni Busyra memang tak dtg dekat asyik melekat dgn Aina. But me slowly turning into someone whom I can't fathom why one time ago sepanjang hari duk mikir eh Aina mari nati nk mkn gapo la, duk mikir nk goreng nasikla, nk buat lauk tu la, lauk ni laa. Literally dari pagi sampai tengahari otak duk mikir, padahal kita tak mintak pun nak pikir, it just come and i cant help it. Kadang-kadang sapa kena istighfar ya Allah bakpola ya jadi duk mikir sangat. Baru pehe bakpo ore tuo dulu jd gitu jugok. Bukan pasal makan je kadang-kadang esok atau lusa nak gi mana-mana pun duk terpikir-pikir mcm mana la nati gi tempat tu etc.

Sekarang baru paham betapa berharganya sebuah ketenangan tu, tak pikir apa-apa sebab bila mari benda tu duk fikir kita jadi tak tenang. Mungkin banyak lagi kena doa agar Allah kurniakan sedikit ketenangan dalam hidup ni,

Tenang dalam menguruskan anak-anak

Tenang dalam beribadah

Tenang dalam membuat keputusan

Tenang juga dalam bergaul sesama manusia

Allahu mustaan, moga Allah sentiasa kurniakan kita ketenangan dalam hidup ni dan sentiasa tunjuk kita ke arah jalan yang benar, ameen.

[lykir]

MOK

Assalamualaikum peeps.

writing in here today just to share my thought so that i can revisit here again anytime later and remember what i had been thru and done..

semalam isu hangat pasal seorang mak yang tertinggal baby dia dalam kereta di HUKM selama 10jam, the mother who is a doctor and also a master student accidently forgot to send the baby to taska and left her/him in the car for hours only to realize later when her husband called in the evening to ask whether she had sent the baby to taska :')

upon reading the news I was so heart-struck, i can totally understand how that can happen because i was once in that place especially during housemanship. Working in hospital is a no joke, your mind was always preoccupied. Even the night before work you'll already think about which patient u have to clerk tomorrow, what kind of specialist u had to deal with, will u be able to finish all the job within time frame. No mother in this world would want that happen to her, the baby will surely go to heaven but can u imagine how the mother will continue the rest of her life? Oh Allah please make ease for her, please give her something better as replacement, please give her enough redho :'(

but hearing and reading some kind of comment was really disappointing, some people really have no empathy, some people think that kind of thing will never happen to them because they are better or wiser or etc, just remember when Allah say kun, fayakun, even the best person in the world will do mistake.

"setiap dari kita pasti diuji, moga kita tidak diuji dengan kata-kata kita sendiri"

-----------

I went back to Binjai for a night, H n B were so happy, suka mintak macam2 dgn nenek, nenek pon layan je. My mother is already 69 years old and alhamdulillah still healthy, able to drive around and handle my demented father. Watching her growing old made me realize mother is the only person who will always stand still behind her children no matter what happen.

Our emotion will go thru few phases toward our parent, when we were really small we look up to everything our parent did, because they are our only world. Besar sikit kita akan melalui fasa rebel dan rasa parent tak adil and etc. At one phase we'll think we don't want to be like them because they are this and that but soon enough we will realize everyone had flaws and not excluded our parent and its their best version they can be to us. Especially when we become one too. Parenting is the hardest job in the world.

No matter what they said to us No matter what they did to us No matter what happened No one can replace them

and we will never be able to repay them.

Moga Allah kurniakan kita ruang dan peluang untuk berbakti kepada kedua ibu bapa kita dan moga Allah kurniakan syurga untuk semua jasa mereka.

[lykir]

L.O.S.T

Salam pheww as always Id come back here at least after a year or years, in this case its almost 2 years, mind you within this time it had been at least 5 times of trial of posting here but I ended up pressing backspace on hold..

A lot had happened within these 2 years, and when I said a lot I really meant it. For starters now I am in confinement period of newborn delivery for Mukmina and in March last year 2022 I already had Busyra, I know its kind of close right and this is what its all about.

Being in long leave, taking care of newborn and older children always made me kind of lost. There are so much things I wanted to do, be it business, writing, studying, self-enhancing but it will always ended up with nothing. I am always LOST. but today I am determined to write it here, I really need to vent out whatever it is because I like to come back here someday and read back this post to remind me how I actually managed through this phase.

So after my last post which was around Sept 2021, what happened is I became an MO in Plastic Surgery dept. To be honest I enjoyed being in that dept especially the part of becoming better in toilet and suturing and have a kind-hearted and God-sent bosses is not something u were always granted with. I'm gonna write here Mr.Shakir you are among the most-considerate person I've ever known and please stay like that because people like you is hard to find these days. I stayed in plastic for almost 8months plus confinement leave then I went to KK Seberang Takir in June 2022 and had an offer from HPUniSZA which I accepted and started on August as MO UD43.

in March 2022 I delivered Busyra and we were on barrier method for family planning. After we had Busyra we kind of super proud saying we're gonna retire for the next few years only to find out I was pregnant again a year later . Phewww God is the most powerful even on whatever method u are on your hand will never overdo His jobs.

"Pregnancy should be planned and wanted" -

That's what I always bear in my mind, little did I know I will be the one who go against it. I took few days to actually digest that I was pregnant again that time. Some may say that I overreacted but going thru phases of breastfeeding, expressing BM in work, return trip to babysitter to send EBM, sleep-deprived period, not to mention I've been sleeping on one side thru out the night to BF for 3 years which cost me backpain, dull eyes and etc. made me really2 overwhelmed by the news. Mukmina if u ever read this later I'm telling you its not that we don't want you its just that we're shocked. Now that I have you it was never a regret.

So now I am 30years old lady with 3 daughters under 4 years old. Alhamdulillah for everything He gave you it is indeed the best. This time even almost every night Mukmina tried to give me on calls reminder I was chill enough. I am at least at peace with it.

So up till today there was so much thing that happened that may affect my mental health but Allah is most-merciful I think I learned how to handle better. But there are times we were struggling with parenting but who doesn't right.

So my wish and hope for my future-self is I just want to be better spiritually, I felt like I've been in distraction for so long, its time to go back to where i was and live life to how I'm supposed to insyaAllah.

[lykir]

“Sometimes even after you tried your best people still have the audacity to question your effort”

I hope by writing here helps to manage my emotion better.

[lykir]

it’s Him..

It has been almost a year since I wrote here. 2020 had been dramatically fast and who would have thought 2020 will be full of stories.

Fast forward-->

Jan : in my last trimester of pregnancy, still having my night shift in OnG, I remember trying to finish my EOP assessment before deliver so that I wont have to repeat after confinement (in my prev post) naaa masuk lepas confinement hamek kau kena ulang 2x viva,

Feb : the most precious rezeki that Allah had granted me finally arrived , Hadya bin Mohammad Hakim, born on 8th february 2020 at KBMC on 2.50pm. Ceritanya dah start cuti seminggu sebelum, pastu start ada contraction on Rabu 5/2 pegi GP Dr Ummi cakap baru 1cm, dia tanya nak dilate ke tak, cakap biarla dulu Dr sbb taknak sakit lama. So Khamis Jumaat tu sempat pegi jalan2 shopping then pagi Sabtu pukul 4 pagi sedar rasa contraction kuat sket dr brixton hick, tapi tengok Hakim tidur nyeyak time tu so cakap biarla dulu.Then subuh tu semakin kerap contraction kejut Hakim cakap eh kita kena balik hari ni kot , so kemas2 bertolak dari Gong Badak pukul 7pagi, otw tu call mak bagitau nak straight ke KBMC, sampai dlm pukul 9pagi mcm tu. Masuk labor room Dr Haira cek jalan ckp baru 3cm, dia tanya nak masuk ward dulu tak dia bagi pethidine. Waktu tu ikut je yang mana terbaik. So masuk bilik, mandi2, lepas mandi SN dtg cucuk pethidine lps tu rasa mamai, dengar jauh2 je H n mama borak2 dlm bilik tu. Dalam pkul 1.30ptg mcm tu sedar tidur sbb rasa semakin sakit dah, SN dtg bawak wheelchair nak naik LR ckp kejap nk zuhur, time tu contraction Allah je maha tahu, time solat tu pon tak boleh nk gerak. So dalam 2.20 naik LR Dr Haira cek jalan cakap dah 9cm, dia cakap dia tlg bukak bg fully, teran dalam 5cycle jugak, awal2 teran takpandai baby tak descend, so Alhamdulliah pkul 2.50 keluar si kecik hidung kembang Hadya hehe

Mac-April : time ni Covid dah semakin mencanak, start PKP and pantang kt Kelantan sebulan kat Ganu 2bulan.

Mei,Jun - Masuk keje balik and habiskan OnG n masuk Surgery. Meanwhile Hadya at 5m dah terpaksa campur FM, tp alhamdulillah ssampai sekarang (almost 1y) Hadya dapat minum susu mummy lagi.

Julai-August-Sep-Oct - kat surgery, antara posting yang enjoy, workload tak banyak, pastu rezeki aku dapat masuk OT every week, bos baik2, surgeon2 ni sempoi sbnarnya , diorang treat op-related problem je hahha

Oct,Nov,Dec- Masuk Paeds, start tagging kat neonates, and the hell’s stories starts..

Hmmm kalau boleh tak nak ingat pon waktu-waktu yang sedih,kecewa,stress, but that’s life..it teaches you in many ways..even masuk tahun baru ni pon rasa depressing sangat , hmm moga Allah mudahkan tahun 2021 ni, moga dimurahkan rezeki, dikuatkan iman, ditingkatkan amalan.

[lykir]

awaiting..

Hi peeps, long time since I posted something here. So today I am officially 39weeks pregnant waiting for my baby to pop out anytime soon. I took early leave and here I am lounging in UMT library because I so called had no other better thing to do..pfft

Scrolling back last few post in tumblr made me miss UK so much. A year in Sheffield had been and will be a part of my life that I always cherish.

So here I’m making a list of interesting places I travelled when I was in UK

Oct 18 - Koln (Germany)

Nov 18 - Edinburgh (Scotland) Bern, Basel, Interlaken, Zurich (Switzerland)

Jan 19 - whole Malta

Feb 19 - Sarajevo, Mostar (Bosnia and Herzegovina),  Dubrovnik (Croatia)

Mac 19 - Brasov (Romania)

April 19 - Brugee (Belgium)

pictures will be coming soon!

[lykir]

Unwanted

I have never felt this useless before in my life.

Being unwanted in every corner of people’s life.

Selfish,annoying,useless - they said.

Ya Allah please give me strength because even when no one wants me I still have You.

[lykir]

Sorry

I did something reckless during tagging in ward yesterday that can jeorpardize my health. H was so mad at me that he said he doesnt want to mind about me anymore, saying that I am ‘smart’ enough to take care of myself.

He took about 5 minutes resenting, that he finally sort of shout ‘PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE, YOU ARE MY WIFE NOW AND YOU ARE CARRYING MY BABY’ 😭😭😭

It has been a long time since I felt loved like that, because I always feel that H doesnt really fond of me (women syndrome).

Housemanship is really hard I pray Allah make it easy for me.

[lykir]

Tell me somethin', girl

Are you happy in this modern world?

Or do you need more?

Is there somethin' else you're searchin' for?

I'm falling

In all the good times I find myself

Longin' for change

And in the bad times I fear myself.

[lykir]

HIATUS

Assalamualaikum and good day peeps.

It’s been a while since I posted something in my tumblr. I could give thousand reasons but the truth is just that I don’t have enough strenght to do that (read : malas) hehe

Now at 0026, 4th November in Informations Common, The University of Sheffield, beside Hakim who is now writing his thesis, I have more than enough time to do this.

I have once promised few peoples to write about my marriage, even it was not  really a promise and those peoples might already forget it but i felt compelled to fulfill it, plus it would be my own reference for future.

so citenya gini, hehe nayu la plok, hujung tahun 2015, adala sorang senior ni approach tanya pasal ada orang ke tak, and berminat tak nak kenal-kenal dulu.Waktu tu Hakim baru datang UK untuk sambung PhD. So long story short, kami whatsapp2 selama 8 bulan until August 2016 barula Hakim balik Malaysia, waktu tu baru first time jumpa. I have never been in any relationship before that, not even a monyet one, so I could never imagined how it’s like or how it suppose to be. But as we know each other we started going into discussion about marriage and that time I know this is going the right way; if its not going to end well it atleast starts well.

When Hakim came back in August 2016, I waited him in airport, he told his family that his plane arrived at 4 while it’s actually at 2 so we could meet first. I could not meet his family straight away without meeting him in-personal first. So there I was macam perigi mencari timba tunggu kat airport, nervous gila nak jumpa for the first time after 8 months. I put on my best baju kurung hahaha.

So nak dipendekkan cerita yang dia balik Ogos 2016 tu, dia datang jumpa my parents and we had few times outting. I went teman him buy stuff before he went back to UK again. So hari yang dia nak fly UK to is the first time I met his family. After that we kept on continue on whatsapp, there was ups and downs, not too bad but there’s time that he had doubt about me . Getting into 2017, we started to discuss on tying the knot for real, tapi he can’t come back At leats there’s no certainty on when he could. Kebetulan pulak me, my parent and sister nak travel Europe waktu tu.

So we had this crazy idea to get married in London. Huhu macam dah takde semangat la pulak nak menulis. Sampai sini jelah dulu hehe

[lykir]

F.E.A.R

‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts’

Sometimes all we need is to know that there’s someone who believes we can do it regardless our own belief towards ourselves.

[lykir]

Use time left wisely, sacrifice whatever it takes for me to pass Pro 3 so that I can end this agonizing long-distance marriage and live with my husband. Build a real family, be a safe doctor and give back to ummah. InsyaAllah.

[lykir]

lighter

Today I woke up in the morning telling myself to get at least a sign for my logbook. It’s a clinic day. End of posting is really around the corner. Turns out I’ve waited 3 hours of dental appointment for just approximately 55 second review of my braces. Gone my clinic session. Can’t help to feel wasted, frustrated. But choosing the lighter side of it ; accepting thing as it is ; relieved. Noon ; got a chance to at least practices neuro examination ; the previous wasted feeling compensated. Back room scrolling thru some messages, realize that other is struggling with a lot more harder difficulties, worst when I can only offer a kind word rather than solution.

I prayed to Allah for everyone who is undergoing difficulties in life that their problems becomes lighter including mine insyaAllah.

[lykir]

You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good

Jerry West

[lykir]

[lykir]

Of all the good things that had happened to me, meeting you is among my favourite.